Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 22 - Episode #6.22 - full transcript
- My second favorite thing
is appearing on Laugh-In.
My first is being naked on top
of the Empire State Building,
jumping 100 stories
into a barbed wire net,
being rushed to the hospital
in an ambulance
with square wheels,
met at the emergency entrance
and given mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation
by Ernest Borgnine, (laughter)
who has just eaten
a pepperoni pizza
and operated on by a
one-eyed octopus with hiccups!
(laughter and applause)
- Duck, duck!
(click)
(gunshot)
(gentle thump)
- That isn't a
duck, it's a chicken!
Have it your own way.
Chicken, chicken! (laughter)
I told you to duck, you chicken!
(laughter, lively music)
- Yeah, people ask me
why I make funny noises.
You know, like this.
(funny noises, laughter)
(panting)
The answer is
because it's easier
than making them like this.
(funny noises, laughter)
- This is Officer
Caldwell, checking in.
- [Man On Telephone]
Yes, Caldwell, what is it?
- There's a woman, 300
pound, on a ledge above me,
right now, threatening to jump.
What should I do?
- [Man On Telephone]
Well, if I were you,
I'd get out of the way.
(laughter)
- Good idea.
(slide whistle, thump, laughter)
Wouldn't have another
idea, would you? (laughter)
I mean, that was a good one.
The timing, first. (laughter)
- I mean, it must be
terrible being an atheist.
Imagine going through
life without a superstar.
(laughter) (drumbeat,
cymbal crashes)
- Innkeeper! (cup banging)
Wine for my men!
- Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...
- I'm sick of all this
whining! (soft clang, laughter)
- Hey, there's a big
shark down there.
You don't suppose he
could reach up here to us,
do you, Bernie?
Bernie? (laughter)
Bernie? (laughter)
- Lisa here at the film studios
of Metro Goldwyn
Whoopee, for the cast party.
I met a big
producer here tonight
who said he could
get me in the movies,
but the first thing he tried
was get me in the closet.
(laughter) Whoopee!
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(bell rings rapidly, laughter)
- Hey, Todd, every day when
I come home from school,
this big bully keeps on
punching me in the eye.
What should I do?
- Ask him to punch
you in the mouth
'til your eye gets
better. (laughter)
- Waiter, this plate
has a spot of dirt on it.
- What spot a' dirt, that's
your steak. (laughter)
- I like the Picasso.
Do you have a
picture by Picasso?
- Oh, yeah, well, we have
them from $5 to $5 million.
- (chuckling) Five,
I'd like the $5 one.
- Oh, well, here. (laughter)
- This is nothing but
a snapshot of a bus!
- Yes, but Picasso
took it. (laughter)
- Guy just gave me a great deal
on a used uke, three
bucks, no strings attached.
(laughter)
- And now, it's time for
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Plus Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and
Rusty, Lisa Farringer,
Lucy Tyler and Todd Bass.
With cameo appearances
by Johnny Carson,
Charlie Callas, Sandy Duncan,
Arthur Godfrey,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word to you golf widows.
Fore! (laughter)
- Say, captain.
That was a strange-looking plane
that passed us by on the side.
- That wasn't a plane,
it was a Greyhound bus.
I'm afraid of
heights. (laughter)
- [Gary Owens]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick
Martin! (cheers and applause)
- That's enough.
Don't go too far.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have a show...
- If I don't look like I'm
standing still on your set,
call Dick Martin's
TV repair service.
- Wait, wait a, wait a
minute now, come on.
Wait a minute.
You're not honestly
a TV repairman.
- Well, not honestly, you
can't make any money that way.
(laughter)
- Oh, when it
comes to electronics,
you don't know a smattering.
- Of course I do,
they're small smats.
- Small smats.
- Smatters?
- What's a watt?
- A watt?
- Right, maybe you
do know something.
What's the name of your company?
- Well, I picked a
name with initials
that would list me
first in the phone book.
- Ah, I see,
that's an old trick.
So you're the AAAA
Repair Service?
- No, Triple L. (laughter)
- LL, that's not first
in the phone book!
- It is if they look
under L! (laughter)
- Suppose I gave you
a hypothetical case.
- I'd call my doctor. (laughter)
- Aw, come on. (laughter)
What if somebody sends for
you to come and fix their sink?
- Yes.
- What's the first thing you do?
- Tell 'em they have
to send it to the shop.
(laughter)
- Well, excuse me.
All right, you've got
it back at the shop.
- That was a short trip.
- Well, you're just
around the corner.
- Okay.
- All right,
now you turn on the set.
- Yes.
- And you see on the
left side a big black space,
and on the right
a big black space.
- Right.
- Now what have you got?
- Sanford and Son. (laughter)
- Aw, come on.
You know, the last time a
TV guy came to my house
to fix my set he was
there about 10 minutes,
he charged me 30 bucks.
- Well, you got off cheap.
- Cheap?
- I have one flat rate.
- What is it?
- $20,000 per set. (laughter)
- 20,000, you're not gonna get
many customers at that price.
- I only need one. (laughter)
- What kinda tools
you use in your trade?
- Well, I use a lotta tools.
- What's, for instance?
- I have a soldier iron.
- A soldering iron.
- Soldering iron. (laughter)
- I have pliers, I have a
hair dryer, screwdriver.
- A hairdryer?
- A nitpicker.
- A, and a nitpicker?
What's the hairdryer for?
- Well, it's the only thing
that'll keep my hair down
when I stick my finger in
the socket, you see. (laughter)
Well, you know
how those things go.
(both laughing)
- That's not even close!
However, we'll just
keep right on going.
- When you have a socket,
and you stick your finger in it,
your hair goes out!
- Now, just wait a minute.
- I use hair oil.
What would I use,
socket oil? (laughter)
- No, but you said hair dryer.
- Oh, well, that's another
question. (laughter)
If you wanna go for those
jokes. (Dick laughing loudly)
I'll bet you don't even
know, (Dick laughing loudly)
hey, ha ha ha, I'll bet
you don't even know
how you're able to get a
picture on a television set.
- Certainal I do!
- Yeah, how?
- Well, you turn the on and
off switch to on. (laughter)
- Yeah, but you don't
know how it actually works.
You realize a TV set
takes an electronic impulse
from the air and through
a series of diodes,
transistors, oscillators, and
condensers, stop snorting!
It transmits it via a
scanner, on to the face
of a large cathode ray tube,
that's how you get a picture.
- Well, I guess you could
do it that way too. (laughter)
- If you have a hair dryer.
(Dick laughing loudly)
I think you better give
up the whole silly idea.
- Maybe you're right.
- It's a slap (drowned
out by laughter)
- I've already made six house
calls at one girl's apartment.
- Six, what kind of
set does she have?
- Sensational. (laughter)
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- [Jud] Hey, have you
seen my girlfriend?
- Ha, oh, I don't know,
can you describe her?
- Well, she's 52, 21, 36.
- Does she have any
distinguishing features? (laughter)
- [Jud] She can't sit up.
- Get out. (Dick
laughing loudly)
- Excuse me, can you tell me
where I can find
some ice around here?
- Oh, are you mixing a drink?
- No, I got 12 little ants in
there who wanna play hockey.
- [Dick] Aww! (laughter)
- Hold it, hold it, pal.
I can't stand this anymore!
Somebody get me
outta here! (laughter)
- Listen, fella, you
produce this show.
You're gonna stick
around and watch it
like the rest of us.
- That's great, we'll
put a laugh track,
it'll work, it'll
work. (laughter)
- My wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or girl?
- Ah, well we're very liberal.
- Oh.
- So we're gonna wait
until it gets old enough
to let it decide for
itself. (laughter)
- Well, get it a hair
dryer. (laughter)
- Hey, Sarah.
- Huh?
- Where you going, what's that?
- Dental floss.
- Dental floss?
- Yeah, my elephant
has a toothache.
(groaning, applause)
- Well, get him a hair dryer.
(applause, lively music)
- Your attention, please.
Will the Pershing
Square wino dressed in
the TV section of the
Los Angeles Times
please stop introducing
himself as Cecil Smith. (laughter)
Thank you.
- Hey, Todd, have you
ever been kissed by a girl?
- Yeah, once.
- What was it like?
- Like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich
without the bread. (laughter)
- I know a guy who
went through four years
of medical school
trying to decide
whether to become a
dermatologist or a dentist.
He just graduated by the
skin of his teeth. (laughter)
(rhythmic tapping)
- Uh-Huh.
(rhythmic tapping)
- What'd he say?
- First word, second syllable,
sounds like (rhythmic tapping)
- On New Year's Eve, I
made myself a promise
that I wouldn't do
anything foolish this year,
so why am I doing
this show? (laughter)
- This is the very best.
- Uh-huh, I'll take it.
There you go, enough?
- Oh!
Thank you, thank you.
- Huh!
(laughter)
(gong crashing)
- At last I am suffering so,
'cause my wife said I had to go.
I played it with her,
but she would not stir,
and that's why I'm here
on this show. (laughter)
Henry W. Longfellow. (laughter)
- Oh, what happened to you?
- Oh, well, we had
a flat tire. (laughter)
- Don't tell me he
made you change it?
- Oh, yeah, he did
make me change it.
- Oh!
- But it wasn't so bad.
Of course he coulda
made it a lot easier.
- Oh, how's that?
- Well, he coulda
stopped the car. (laughter)
- Ha.
Even as a child I was different.
When most kids got mad,
they threw tantrums, but not me.
When I got mad, I threw
fish. (smooching, laughter)
- You ready?
Now, look, just last Friday
you just had your first date
with a young lady by
the name of Jezebel,
and you really muffed it.
- I didn't do nothin' wrong.
- Look, I tell you what,
let's start from the beginning.
You went to Jezebel's house,
you walked up the steps,
and you knocked
on the door, right?
- Yeah.
- Her father answered, right?
- Yeah.
- Now pretend I'm
Jezebel's father.
See, I open the door and I say,
"Why, good evening, young man!"
And you said?
- "Hey, baby, what's
happenin'?" (laughter)
- You didn't really
say that, did you?
- Sure did, man, what's wrong?
- Hey, that's no way to
talk to Jezebel's father.
You shoulda said, "It
is indeed a pleasure
"to meet you, sir!"
Try that.
Try it.
- It is indeed a
pleasure to meet you, sir.
Hey, baby, what's
happenin'? (laughter)
- For the last time,
dummy, we're musketeers,
not Mouseketeers! (laughter)
- Does that mean my date
with Annette is off? (laughter)
- Here I am at the Metro
Goldwyn Whoopee studio party.
They had a huge
swimming pool filled with gin,
and Dean Martin fell into it.
Somebody threw
him a life preserver,
but he threw it out and said,
"Never mind that, just
throw me an olive." (laughter)
Whoopee.
(bell rings once )
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(bell continues
ringing, laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- I recently watched
a compatriot
quaff seven glasses
of Scotch and water.
It repels me to see a fellow
dumping so much excess
water into his system.
That's dangerous.
Could get water on
the knee. (laughter)
Have to wear pumps. (laughter)
- Hey, it's good to
see you again, John.
- Thank you, Dan.
- How many times you
been on our show now?
- I think five or six.
- Well, that's not many.
- More times than I've
been on mine. (laughter)
- Sister, for the church bazaar
we've decided to
make jams and jellies.
- Oh, heaven
preserve us! (laughter)
- I, (clicks tongue) I
had a lonely childhood.
I remember one day
when I was seven,
my father took me aside,
and he left me there.
(laughter) Vvvvt, vvvvt.
- And this is a recently
discovered portrait
of Abraham Lincoln by
the genius Michelangelo.
- Michelangelo lived many,
many years before Lincoln.
- Yes, you see, the man
was years ahead of his time.
(laughter)
- Send in my next
patient, please.
(laughter)
Ah, now what seems
to be your trouble?
- Oh, what seems
to be my trouble?
I'm fat, that's my trouble.
(Doctor clicks tongue)
- My love, always remember,
fat is a state of mind.
- Oh, wait a minute, you
mean I only think I'm fat?
- Absolutely!
Now, sit here.
- Oh!
- And here, and here,
and here. (laughter)
- Hey, Lucy, what
person on Laugh-In
sounds like a door bell?
- I don't know, who?
- Ruth Buzzi, get it? (laughter)
Buzz, buzz, Buzzi!
(both laughing)
- I'm here in Cuba
with Fidel Castro
in his new offices
high above Havana.
Mr. Castro.
- Yes.
- Why did you decide to
move into these new offices?
- I chose this place because
whenever I want to see
all the happy Cubans,
did you get the
happy Cubans part?
All I have to do is
look out this window.
It's a Chinese window.
- I don't see any happy Cubans.
- Oh, sure you can.
Ayyy.
Look through this telescope.
- What?
- I said look through
the telescope.
You see, it's pointed
at Miami. (laughter)
- You heard it here in Havana.
- Si.
- Isn't it nice, they're
lettin' our wives
into the prison for those
wild overnight parties.
- Yeah, I just wish the
guards would let us in.
- Yeah. (laughter)
(bell ringing)
- Front, I'm JJ Muldoon.
- Well, I'll make
a deal with you.
You say nothing,
and I'll say nothing.
- [JJ] Well, look,
can you help me?
- I can't, but I can recommend
a good plastic surgeon.
- [JJ] Listen, I'd
like to get a room.
- Well, I've got a room.
I can also give you a board.
In fact, I'll give you one
of the most boring rooms
you've ever seen. (laughter)
- Well, can somebody
take my bag?
- Certainly. (bell ringing)
Remember, you asked for this.
(horn honking)
He wants a hand,
not a leg, stupid.
Now take this man's
bag, please. (horn honking)
(laughter)
You know, I think
you're losing your grip,
or you have an
impediment in your reach.
- I wanna see the manager.
- What for, he's
already got a room.
- Hey, what seems
to be the trouble here?
- Well, my back is killin' me,
and this guy's a
pain in the neck.
- Look, I want my bags back.
- What's the matter,
you got a bad back too?
You oughtta get offa your feet.
Why don't you try walkin'
on somebody else's?
- Ow! (laughter)
Look, I'm gonna
file a suit here.
- Why not just hang
it up in the closet
like everybody else?
- He as a point. (bell ringing)
Front!
(horn honking)
File this man's
suit. (horn honking)
- Tell me I'll have
your job for this!
- You got it. (horn honking)
Now take this man
and this bag to the room.
He's a heavy tipper.
Well, if they believe
we're the Marx brothers...
- They gonna believe anything.
- You bet your life. (applause)
- Hey, John, I
understand your brother
is the director of
another talk show.
Does that bother you?
- Not at all.
- Which show does
he work on, John?
- What show does
who work on? (laughter)
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
(upbeat music)
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
What's in use across the nation
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
We have got the information
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
In a way that some may see 'em
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
It is really worth a million
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
We we we will love love love
To give give give
you all of our dues
La chicky la chicky la la di da
(singing gibberish)
(laughter, applause)
(whistling loudly)
- [Gary] It's time for
the Laugh-in News,
with Jack Lalanne
lifting weights,
Conrad Newton changing weights,
Joe Namath switching dates,
Bobby Fisher checking mates.
And now, with the news, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- And now, here's Dick
with news of the present.
- News of the present,
dateline Burbank.
The first annual Burbank
wife swapping party
was a huge success.
Particularly pleased
was fireman Bruce Shaw,
who said, "Great, I
managed to swap my wife,
"Sally, for a '49 Hudson
with a rear..." (laughs)
- All right, don't
get stuck up now.
- It just amused me to
see what was coming.
- He swiped his wife Sally...
- "For a 1949 Hudson
with a rebuilt rear end.
"Which is more than
I can say for Sally."
- [Dan] Is that what he said?
- That's what he
said. (laughter)
Dateline, St. Louis, Mo.
- Missouri.
- Missouri.
Baldo the Human Balloon Panish,
whose act consisted of inhaling
large amounts of helium
and floating toward the sun,
met with a strange end today.
- [Dan] What happened?
- Well, while performing
his act in St. Louis,
he got a violent
attack of hiccups,
and landed in
Milwaukee. (laughter)
Memphis, Detroit, (laughter)
Minneapolis.
He didn't even have enough
gas to get to Pittsburgh.
(laughter)
- You're in Pittsburgh!
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
here's Dan with the
news of the future.
- Very well done, sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- News, see, isn't it
nice when Paul is near?
News of the future
20 years from now.
Conservationist demands
for more open space
were satisfied today as
the Department of Interior
made Rhode Island
a national park.
The new park will be
devoted to preservation
of endangered species:
the American bison,
the blue-crested heron,
and the Democratic
National Committee.
(laughter)
Thank you, God love you.
News of the future
20 years from now.
Henry Kissinger, now
entering the ninth year
of his engagement
to his fiancee,
revealed that the
delay of the marriage
has been due to
complications in negotiating.
Details still to
be worked out are
the shape of the
bed, a formation
of a coalition bank
account, (laughter)
and the honorable withdrawal
of all in-laws. (laughter)
- Pretty good. (laughs)
And now a look at
our man on the street.
- Yes, I'm the man on
the street. (laughter)
I'm tired of people
walking all over me.
Dammit!
- And now, for an
on-the-spot report
from the Vatican in Rome.
- What do you think
of the Pope's address?
- Oh, I like his
dress, I like his shoes,
I like his hat, I like
his socks. (laughter)
- Now with the gangster
news, here's the godmother,
sweet little Alice Capone.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
(bang, objects clatter)
Big news at my house.
My little boy, Sonny,
went on that TV show
Let's Make a Deal the other day
and came home
with the whole show.
It seems he made Monty
Hall an offer he couldn't refuse.
- Oh, boy.
Here's Jud Strump
with the sports news
from Farmington, Maine.
- Hi there, Jud Strump
here from Farmington, Maine,
the famous football
capital of the world.
Bringing you in just in
time for the final second
of the potato bowl between
Mooselick McGonick
and Liver Marfage.
Abigail Belcher,
their cheerleader,
took the field today,
and was so homely
that the concessionaires
refused to set up. (laughter)
Now, right somewhere in
that crowd is Snade Snidely,
who's gonna pitch
that ball, pigskin,
right over that banister,
through them goalposts,
and try to land it
on Tippy-toe Topson's toe.
You think he can
do it? (whistles)
There, Snade!
He's got it in the
air, it's going up,
oh, I think it's gonna make
it through the goalposts!
It's gettin' better, it's
awful excitin' comin' in here,
looks like it's gonna
land, has he got it?
On his toe! (laughter)
And that's the end of it.
(laughter and applause)
Back to you, Dan
and Dick. (whistles)
- Here's Hollywood's fun
couple, Lance and Tina.
- Good morning, Lance.
- Morning, Tina.
(smooching)
- Oops! (laughter)
Hmm.
- Well, hmm. (laughter)
Looks like it's
going to be splitsville
for Paul Newman
and Elizabeth Taylor.
- But they're not married.
- Oh, happened already, huh?
Any chance of the getting
back together again?
- Paul Newman is married
to Joanne Woodward.
- Oh, he sure doesn't
waste any time, did he?
(laughter)
- Paul Newman has always
been married to Joanne Woodward.
- Oh, a bigamist, huh?
- No, he was never married
to Elizabeth Taylor, dear.
- So they were living
in sin together, huh,
while he was married to
another woman? (Tina sighs)
- Elizabeth Taylor is
married to Richard Burton.
- Well, two wrongs don't
make a right, you know.
- I'm sorry, Lance, I
simply have no more time
to discuss this, I
must get to the studio
to start my new film
with Paul Newman.
- Dear, you're making a
picture with Paul Newman,
that two-timing bigamist
cheater? (laughter)
Well, looks like it's splitville
for Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
- You heard it here first.
(laughter and applause)
- And as long as we're
on a show biz kick,
here's syndicated
columnist Marilyn Beck.
- My sources in
Hollywood tell me
that when Mama Cass dies
she wants her ashes scattered
over Maine, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Connecticut, (laughter)
New Hampshire, Michigan,
Wisconsin, Minnesota. (laughter)
- And here is Richard Dawson
with the senior citizen news.
- Oh, my goodness,
John J. Daley, age 96,
today divorced his
wife, Dolores, age 93,
just a child, on the grounds
that she went to a motel
with George Tiger Farbell
for immoral memories.
- Out of Manchuria for
the Sino-Russian news.
- Hey, no, no, that is not true.
I don't care who, I don't know
why you Chinese are worried.
All Mother Russia wants peace.
- Oh, well that's why
I'm here, to make sure
the peace you want, not
a piece of China. (laughter)
- That's a good one. (sniffs)
- Also want to ask
you something.
What happened to Boris Spassky,
a fellow who lost chess
championship to that American?
- You had to ask, eh?
I saw pictures of him last week.
He's at the Kremlin.
- [Man] What was he doing there?
- The windows. (laughter)
- Gary Owens with a word
for all you women out there
who want to be 15
years younger and look it,
and have the free
luncheon with Paul Newman.
Here's all you... (laughter)
La chicky la chicky la la di da
Ladies and gentlemen
love to look at our loot
(singing gibberish)
(applause, maracas shaking)
- I just saw a western
movie about a judge
that everybody
used to throw around.
It was called Judge
Roy Beanbag. (laughter)
- Bring us a wench.
- We want to monkey around.
- That's right, bring
us a monkey wench.
- Aww.
- I'm sick of that!
- Oy, a clump!
- Hi, this is Lisa at the
Metro Goldwyn Whoopee
studio party.
I met one actress here
who said she made
$1 million a year
in pictures. (giggles)
And she only worked with a
Polaroid and two witnesses.
(laughter) Whoopee.
- Well, my attorney called.
He's got some good
news and some bad news.
- No kiddin', what'd Hook say?
- Well, he said the
good news is that
I'm getting outta this cell.
- Great, what's the bad news?
- I'm goin' to the
chair. (laughter)
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(click)
(laughter)
- You know, Dick
Martin is really confused.
When they told
him the old redhead
was gonna be on
Laugh-In, he said,
"Well, you tell him to
deny everything." (laughter)
- Hey, Todd, do you know
anything about history?
- Everything.
- All right, what important
event took place in 1809?
- That's easy, Abraham
Lincoln was born in 1809.
- Okay, then what important
even took place in 1812?
- Abraham Lincoln's
third birthday.
- So did you meet
Jezebel's mother?
- Sure did.
- And?
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Man, she is some mother.
She is preserved like
a can of peaches, man.
She got her thing together.
- But you didn't insult
Jezebel's mother, did you?
- Course not,
man, I flattered her.
- You flattered her?
- Yeah.
- How did you flatter her?
- I told her I couldn't believe
she was Jezebel's mother.
- That was very sweet of you.
- 'Cause Jezebel was so
much uglier than her. (laughter)
Jezebel was so much
uglier than her. (laughter)
Man, what y'all
want me to do, walk?
(laughter, applause)
- Hi.
- I wonder, would you
appraise this painting for me?
- Yes, well, I charge
$5 for appraisals.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Well, um, ooh, ah, yes.
That's worth
about $2. (laughter)
- $2?
- Sir, the $5.
(laughter)
Thank you.
$1.50, maybe, I
don't know. (laughter)
The Gala Salute
to the Department
of Health, Education, and
Welfare has been cancelled
due to illness,
poverty, and ignorance.
Or the other way
around. (laughter)
- Art, we know
you're very concerned
with the environment,
isn't that right?
- That's right, it's
very important.
Friend a' mine had thousands
of pamphlets printed up,
tellin' people
to stop littering.
And he dropped 'em
from an airplane. (laughter)
- What happened?
- He got arrested
for littering. (laughter)
(cymbal crash)
- I grew up in a
neighborhood so tough,
I know a guy who was
a construction worker,
fell off a 36-story
building to his death.
(slide whistle, very low note)
Three times. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
(lively music)
Step right up and buy a ticket
Get your money's worth
You have been invited to
the greatest show on earth
Look at that dope
on his tight little rope
Without trouble or
care 80 feet in the air
Look at the sad little clown
It's make 'em scream
Make 'em laugh
Learn to ride a big giraffe
Circus is coming to town
Look at the guy
floatin' right in the sky
On his flying trapeze
Hangin' on by his knees
It looks like 100 feet
down So keep it wild
Keep it free Play
that old calliope
Circus is comin' to town
Ain't it fun to
buy a red balloon
Ain't ya wild for cotton candy
Ain't it fun to see an elephant
Ain't that bareback
rider fine and dandy
Look at that gent who
just entered the tent
He will tame a few cats
With a whip and some pats
And look at the ringmaster frown
It's step right up Center ring
Hear the bearded
lady sing Flaming hoops
Teeter boards
Watch the fella swallow swords
Bring the kids Bring the wife
Watch the gypsy juggle knives
Circus is coming to town
(applause)
- And there you see it
before your very eyes,
ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Grippo,
suspended 200 feet in
the air on a short rope
by nothing but his teeth!
Grippo, that's magnificent!
- [Grippo] Thank you very much!
(slide whistle,
crashing, glass breaking)
- There it is, ladies
and gentlemen,
Grippo the Magnificent,
the world's shortest man.
- Totie Fields
always wanted to be
the fat lady in the circus,
but she could never make it.
You have to weigh 350 pounds.
- Yeah, and she ain't
gonna on no diet for nobody.
(laughter)
(jaunty music)
- Hup!
- Hup!
Ho, hoy-yah! (crunching)
Ohhh. (laughter)
- Jud?
- Yeah, Ruth.
- There was a very
unusual murder
at the circus the other day.
- Really, what happened?
- Well, the ringmaster
caught his wife
foolin' around with
the strong man.
- Yeah.
- So he shot her
with Boomo, the human
bullet. (both laughing)
(lion roaring)
- Mmm, ha.
And now, in the center
ring, ha-ha, just vocalizing.
What happened to you?
- Well, you know that
two and a half twist I do
where Henderson catches me?
- Certainly do, it's the
greatest thing in your act.
It's terrific!
- Yeah, well, how
come you didn't tell me
Henderson was off
tonight? (laughter)
- I know one circus that travels
from city to city by
airplane, and when they do,
they fly their elephants
by jumbo jets. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
- Hut!
- Ho!
- Ho!
- Hee-Hah!
- Hah! (clapping)
(cracking)
(laughter, groaning)
- I knew a man in the circus
who could juggle 10
books at the same time.
Unfortunately
he's in prison now.
He was a circus
accountant. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
- I got a act that'll be
great for your circus.
- What is it?
- Well, you see, I have
myself shot outta this cannon
through six flaming
hoops, four-foot brick wall,
and a elephant.
- That's terrific, you're hired!
- Ah, there's one drawback I
think you should be aware of.
- What's that?
- I'm only good for
one show. (laughter)
- Then there was
a circus performer
who took a bath and left
three rings around the tub.
(laughter, bell rings)
- Hi, honey.
Hello, I'm home. (smooch)
- How was your
day at the circus?
- Well, tiring.
Being a ringmaster
isn't easy, you know.
What's for dinner?
- Okay! (laughing)
(whistling)
(whip cracking) Whoo!
On plate number one, roast beef!
- Yeah! (whistling)
- And on plate number
two, (whip cracking)
franks and beans!
(whistling, whip cracking)
And on plate number
three, (whistling)
tuna casserole!
- Yay! (applause, whistling)
- When I was six years
old, we lived in a trailer.
But one day, while I
was playin' outside,
it rolled down a
hill and ran into
the Barnum and
Bailey tent, you know?
And it was the first time ever,
a home ever ran away
from a kid to join the circus.
- When Mickey Rooney
dances with Raquel Welch,
he calls it "working under
the big top." (laughter)
(lion roars, whip cracks)
(lion roaring)
(man vocalizing)
- I wanna see the fat lady.
- Ha, she's not here right now.
She went out to lunch.
- When's she gonna be back?
- A week from
Tuesday. (laughter)
- I went to the sideshow
and the three-headed man
gave me the eyes. (laughter)
- Hey, Dennis.
- Oh, what, Jud?
- I'm probably the greatest
circus stunt man of all time.
- Oh, go on.
- I'm tellin' you, one
time I rode a bicycle
across Niagra Falls.
- You didn't.
- Yeah, and was
it ever rough, too.
- Why, why?
Did the wire sway a lot?
- Wire?
What wire? (laughter)
- Hey, dynamite.
- I hear the tattooed
lady's asking for a divorce.
- Why is that, sir?
- She says her husband
punched her in the battleship.
(laughter, lion roars)
(lion roaring)
- [Lion Tamer] Just for that,
you're not getting any Alpo!
- Excuse me.
I wanna see the rubber man.
- Ah, he's not
here, not here, no.
He got bounced yesterday.
- I once had a job in the
circus as a human cannonball.
It was great!
Until I came to work
loaded and got fired.
(laughter)
- Know Madam Fat,
the fat lady of the circus,
weighs 632 pounds.
- Stripped?
- Oh, don't be silly, that'd
take forever. (laughter)
What a life full of mirth
It's the greatest show on earth
Circus is coming to town
(applause)
- You know, I make a lotta fun
about Doc Severinsen
wearing sissy-type clothes,
but doesn't seem to
bother her. (laughter)
- I've been in this
cell for 15 years,
and I haven't cracked.
How about you,
Shirley? (laughter)
- All right, Mom.
- What happened next?
- Well, Jezebel was
really late by now.
- So what did you do?
- I went upstairs to her room
and I drug her down the steps.
- In front of her
mother and her father?
- Well, I tried to
sneak her down
but her head kept bumpin'
along the floor. (laughter)
- This is Lisa speaking to you
from the Metro Goldwyn
Whoopee cast party.
Hollywood people
wear such wild clothing.
As a matter of fact, at
the party here tonight,
I couldn't tell the
host from the hostess,
until they both took
off their dresses.
Whoopee. (laughter)
- I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- Aw, no!
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- I beg to differ.
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France!
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
- I am not too bad
with a pistol either, huh?
(laughter)
- I see nothing
strange about someone
who talks to himself, do you?
No.
Thank you. (laughter)
Well, I'm glad to hear that, oh.
- How come you're so
late getting home today?
- Well, after Sunday school
I went to church
with the grownups.
- How did you like it?
- Well, I liked the music okay,
but the commercial
was too long. (laughter)
- When I first
started out in radio,
it wasn't easy for me to be
sponsored by a big soup company.
I had to use my
noodle. (laughter)
- Can I help you?
- Oh, I don't know
if you can or not.
Do you have da
Vinci's Last Supper?
- No.
Oh!
Goldberg left his
lunch, though. (laughter)
- Instead of the question
and answer period,
we're going to
have safety hints.
When parking your car on a hill,
if you're headed down the hill,
turn your wheel into the curb.
That way, if your brakes...
- Ten-hut!
Ha!
At ease!
Worst looking
outfit I've ever seen!
- What's this all about?
(slap)
- Slacker! (laughter)
Why, what are you doing here
hiding behind the enemy lines?
This is war, boy!
(slap) Ha!
- You hit me again, I'm
gonna guarantee you it's war.
Now what are you
doing in that outfit?
- I've just been named
an honorary general
by the men of the
223rd Armored Division.
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
- Well, being an
honorary general
just doesn't make you
an officer, you know.
- No?
- No, sir, Congress
has to act first.
- Well, I can't wait
that long. (laughter)
Why, in two more months
I'll be on maneuvers
with my men.
- With your own men.
- Out there in those
slimy trenches.
- What trenches?
- Leading them over the top...
- They don't go over
the top anymore!
- They don't?
- No, haven't for
many, many years.
- Well, then, we'll dig our
way through the bottom!
- The only diggin'
you do is for foxholes.
- Not me, let the foxes
dig their own holes. (slap)
You're forgetting
to call me sir!
- If you hit me again I'm
gonna call you more than that!
You never could
be a real general.
Look at you, bouncin'
around and everything.
- Americans love
a winner! (laughter)
- Well, in the first place,
a general has to remain
icy calm at all times,
in full control.
- I am in control at all times.
- You're not either.
- Yes, I am, I swear,
I'm in control! (laughter)
I'm in control!
Yes!
- You expect men to follow you?
- Hmm?
I never expect it,
but they always do.
Last night on
Hollywood Boulevard...
- I'll skip that. (laughter)
- Well, you too, that's
what they were doing.
- No, no, no. (laughter)
You don't know the first
thing about military life.
Where were you
during World War Two?
- Mostly in Canada.
- Sure.
- Then I joined the
American intelligence
and was wounded in France.
- OSS?
- No, in the A-R-M,
naturally. (laughter)
Are there kids around, why
are we spelling? (laughter)
- Now tell me the truth.
- T-R-U-T-H! (laughter)
- No, no, no, have
you seen any action?
- Well, there was
this guy followin' me
on Hollywood Boulevard...
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Actually, I've been
concentrating on my bowling game.
- General, what was your rank,
during the war,
what was your rank?
- During World War I-I?
- Yes, World War I-I.
- I was a PFC.
- Well, I was a lieutenant,
so I outrank you.
Ten-hut!
'Bout face!
Forward march!
Hup, two, three,
four, hup! (applause)
- Hey, Todd, do you think
Dick is really that stupid?
- Listen, any guy
who likes girls
as much as Dick does has
gotta be dumb. (laughter)
- And another thing!
As long as I'm payin'
the bills in this house,
you're gonna behave
in a respectable manner!
- That's right, the youth
of today has no discipline.
- Right.
You kids are all alike!
You're wild,
disrespectful, and immoral.
- He's right.
- Dad?
Who's she?
- Oh, don't worry about her,
it's just some broad I
picked up in a bar last night.
(laughter)
- You know, our
whole show just loves
the California sunshine.
Ed McMahon is
soaking it up all the time.
Sometimes I wish
he'd quit soaking it up
and get a little
more sun. (laughter)
- I like everything you have,
but I think what
I'd like to have
is one of
Toulouse-Lautrec's paintings
of the Moulin Rouge Cafe.
How much will that be?
- Well, that would be $10,000,
plus a two-drink minimum,
no cover. (laughter)
Do you get it? (laughter)
- I think it's extremely
generous of you
to give an ex-burglar a job
in your home as your butler.
- Oh, well, it's part of our
club's rehabilitation program.
(bell ringing)
(door slams)
Would you clear the
table, please, James?
- Yes, madam.
(lively music, objects
clattering, laughter)
- Oh!
(telephone ringing)
- Hello?
Jack Benny calling?
Oh! (laughter)
Yes, this is his
mother, you see.
Will I accept the charges?
I'm thinking, I'm
thinking! (laughter)
Gee, all right.
I mean, how much can it be?
It's only six blocks.
Hello, Blue Eyes?
Now, look, things aren't
going too well here.
My rent's been raised again,
and it's the third time this
year you've done that to me.
After all, how much can a
39-year-old woman stand?
Hello?
(applause)
- I knew Totie Fields
when she first started out
in this business.
Course, since then she's
gone on to bigger things.
- It's been tough out west, man,
bein' a old cowpoke.
- Why?
- Well, who'd wanna go around
pokin' old cows? (laughter)
- I went out on a double
date with Dick the other night.
Now you would've thought
that at least one of us
would've gotten a girl,
whoa-ho! (laughter)
- You can't do this
to me, I happen to be
a very close
friend of the queen!
- I know, that's why the
king had you thrown in here.
(laughter)
- I just wanna say that
being on Laugh-In is thrilling
and I'm very excited. (snoring)
(laughter)
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once) ("Three
Blind Mice") (laughter)
- This is Lisa at the Metro
Goldwyn Whoopee studio party.
I asked an actor if he thought
performers were funny people.
He said, "No, of course not,"
and then he introduced
me to his husband.
Whoopee! (laughter)
- I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- No.
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- Well, what about
you? (laughter)
- I'd rather not talk
about it. (sword boinging)
- Wow!
The most exciting news!
You remember
we've been telling you
that Fannie Farkle's going
to have a baby any day now?
Well, guess what?
That day has come.
- Just think.
Fannie Farkle is about to
have a baby any day now.
Tell me, Fannie, when do you...
Why, Ferd, where's Fannie?
- Why, she went to
the hospital, Frank.
- The hospital?
Just when she was
about to have a baby?
- Well, Fannie's fine, Frank.
Nurse Floss Fenwick phoned.
- Nurse Floss Fenwick,
that faithful friend
of fitness and foe of fever,
hark, who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
- I'm that faithful friend
of fitness and foe of fever.
Remember me?
- No, can't say I do.
- Floss Fenwick!
- Well, hello, Floss
Fenwick, Frank Farkle here.
Ferd, Floss Fenwick, and her?
- Ahhhh!
- Sparkle Farkle, and
him, Darkle Farkle.
- Hey, baby! (laughter)
- Here's your baby.
- Oh, just wait 'til
Fannie finds out, Ferd.
- [Floss] Here's your baby.
- Just wait 'til
Fannie finds out.
- Here's your baby.
- Just wait 'til Fannie...
- Here's your baby.
- Just, wait!
- Here's your baby.
- But you've already given
me four babies, remember?
- Can't say that
I do. (laughter)
- Why, what will
Fannie say, Ferd?
- Frank, great news.
- What news, Fannie?
- Just think, I'm going to
have a baby any day now.
(laughter)
- Ferd, you did it again.
- And again.
- And again.
- And again.
- That was fierce folly, Fannie.
- Fair, Ferd. (laughter)
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, folks,
when Ferd Burfle says...
- That's five
fantastically fast Farkles
you found here,
Frank. (laughter)
- Thanks, Ferd.
- When I was a kid
I never had to worry
about being absent from school.
Joy Bishop filled
in for me. (laughter)
- Hey, Todd, how
come you're so sad?
- Because I got
punished for something
I didn't even do.
- No kidding, what's that?
- My arithmetic. (laughter)
- Well, they're all nice,
but do you have something
that would really look
well on a white wall?
- How 'bout a hubcap? (laughter)
- (giggles) Do you
know that when a wino
is up all night
drinking, the next day
he has paper bags
under his eyes? (laughter)
I'm embarrassed I had
to say that! (laughter)
- You know what they call it
when a member of the
National Rifle Association
tells his kid about sex?
They call it the
birds and the BBs.
B-b-b-ba-be that's
all, folks! (laughter)
- Father, I have this thing
about swinging through trees.
- Tell you what.
I'll have a bottle of 1956
Chateaneuf De Pape,
exactly 38 degrees.
Make it 39.
- I'm sorry, sir.
We're all out of
that particular wine.
- Well, in that case I'll,
give me a beer, okay?
(laughter)
- Do you have the license
plates with my name on 'em yet?
- Oh, we certainly do.
Here you are,
Mr. Popadopalopovich. (laughter)
- Many people have queried me
as to just exactly
what W.C. stands for.
Ah, well, my good man, W.C.
will stand for almost anything,
except being hit in the
fetlock with a wet carp.
- My doctor is really great.
I told him that I have insomnia,
and he told me not to lose
any sleep over it. (laughter)
- John, do you like
doing late night TV?
- I do, Dan, it's nice working
the same hours as muggers.
- Doctor, I have this constant
urge to kill my husband.
- Don't worry, I
think I can help you.
- Well, would you hurry up?
I'm already on my
47th husband! (laughter)
- Didn't you tell her
what the file was for
when you asked your mother
to send us a birthday cake?
- Ah, she meant well. (laughter)
- All right, the old
man and the young girl,
this is the love
scene, take 27. (clack)
Cue the oxygen. (laughter)
- [Both] That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- Hey, Lucy, what are you
gonna be when you grow up?
- Well, I decided that,
because of my vast knowledge
of interplanetary flight,
its surrounding
avenues of endeavor,
I will become an astronaut.
- But, Lucy, astronauts never
get to go outside and play.
- Okay, then I'll be
a lizard. (laughter)
- I saw your ad, I
understand you have
a genuine Paul Gauguin.
- Ooh, yes, yes, we
have one right here
for $3.50.
(lively music)
- How can you sell
a Gauguin so cheap?
- He's dead, he
won't know. (laughter)
- That's it, I must leave
the Three Musketeers.
- Aww, but we've been
together for the last 36 years!
- Yes, why would
you want to leave?
- 'Cause I need a
broad. (honk, honk)
- Hey, Leonard.
- What is it, Doris?
- Did you see my swizzle stick?
- I certainly did not,
where did it stick?
- Well, that's what I
like about you, Leonard.
You're always good for a laugh.
You always pick me up.
- Well, not always,
sometimes you pick me up.
(both laughing)
- I'll drink to that!
(Leonard laughs)
- I have to look for
my little lost doggy.
- Why, I didn't know you
had a little lost doggy, Len.
- Oh, yes, I lost him
when I was six years old.
- I say!
You know, you'll
never find him now!
- Why not?
- Well, you know how far
he must be by now? (laughs)
- You're right, let's
have another drink.
- Oh, yay! (thump) (laughter)
- You always turn me
on, Leonard! (laughter)
- [Leonard] Come down
here and say that! (laughter)
(applause)
- You know, Ed McMahon told me
that his grandfather,
the pioneer,
was such a lush that his wife
was always making him go on
the covered wagon. (laughter)
- You really have
some fine paintings.
Do you have The Blue Boy?
- Oh, sure!
I'll just get him out of
the freezer. (laughter)
- Owie, in this business
you can't get by
on looks alone.
Now they tell me!
Hee-hee! (laughter)
- Before I go, can I leave
the folks with a last word?
- A last word?
- Yeah.
- Go right ahead.
- Folks, this is for y'all, now.
Oh, yeah, there ya go.
Oh, there ya go, okay.
Get me right, now.
A kiss is like lightin' a stove.
Doesn't necessarily mean
you can cook, baby. (laughter)
Yeah yeah yeah (applause)
- Well, I think that's
about it for tonight.
Time to put another one to bed.
- Hey! (laughter)
- As they say.
- Put it to bed?
- Yes.
- You mean, oh...
- It's a wrap.
- Oh, wrap.
- Yes.
- Well, would you like
to hear, just before that.
- Yes.
- Would you like to hear
about what my aunt said
the night that she was
trapped on the top floor
of the Leaning Tower
of Pizza with the...
- Pizza?
- Pizza, (chuckles)
I changed it.
For the whole cast...
- For the whole cast.
- Of Rigoletto.
- Why, that's the wildest
thing I've ever heard of, he said.
- Ha, well, you
think that's wild,
look what's coming up
on next week's show.
- Oh, a sneaky
intro. (slide whistle)
(applause and lively music)
- [Gary] Guest star
Steve Lawrence.
(applause and lively music)
Steve Allen.
(applause and lively music)
- [All] Hey! (applause)
What's the favorite recipe
Of a Jordan psychiatrist
- I don't know, what?
- Southern Freud
chicken. (laughter)
- [Richard] Dennis, Dennis!
- What, Richard?
- Who preaches to fish
in a lake in Scotland?
- I don't know, who?
- The Loch Ness
Minister! (laughter)
- Sarah!
- [Sarah] Yeah!
- What is huge and lies all
over peanut butter sandwiches?
- I don't know, who?
- The Jelly Green
Giant! (laughter)
- You know, the
problem with plumbers
is they're never available
when you really need them.
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire.
- I always have a plumber
who's at my disposal. (groans)
- Listen, listen.
Charlton Heston took me
to his apartment last night.
- [All] Whoo-whoo!
But I walked out on him.
I didn't like his first commandment.
(exclaiming, laughter)
- Hey, who is a famous actor.
- [All] Yeah?
- And he has his
own television show.
- [All] Yeah?
- And has very rough skin?
- [All] Oh, who?
- Raymond Burlap!
(laughter and groaning)
- Oh, hey, what famous novel.
- [All] Yeah?
- Was written
about an Indian tribe
who would play their tom-toms
on people's davenports?
- [Ruth] I don't know, what?
- Drums Along the
Mohair. (laughter, groans)
- Tell me this, Dick.
- Yes.
- Whose president
keeps chickens warm?
- I don't know, who, Dan?
- Richard Henhouse
Nixon. (laughter)
- You know, my
cousin is an acrobat.
And when she finishes tumbling,
her feet are so sore,
she has to soak them
in hot somersaults. (laughter)
- Time to say good night, Dick.
- Well, that reminds me,
everybody knows the name
of the man who shot the apple
off his son's head with
an arrow was William Tell.
What was his son called?
- I don't know,
what was he called?
- Stupid! (laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night!
- [Group] Good night, good bye!
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
Yeah, good night.
(clicks tongue)
- Good night, Dick.
Whoopee.
- Good night, Dick.
(lion roars)
- Good night, Dicky!
(bones crunch)
- Good night, Dick!
(claps)
- A-hey!
- [All] Good night,
Dick. (horn honks)
- Good night, Dick.
Say good night, dummy.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Here they come again. (laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
(whistle tweeting)
Good night chicky Dick
chicky Dick chicky Dick
Chicky Dick chicky Dick
chicky Dick chicky Dick
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
All right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughter)
- [All] Good night, Dick!
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once)
(upbeat music, laughter)
(slide whistle) (cymbal crash)
(slow laughter)
is appearing on Laugh-In.
My first is being naked on top
of the Empire State Building,
jumping 100 stories
into a barbed wire net,
being rushed to the hospital
in an ambulance
with square wheels,
met at the emergency entrance
and given mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation
by Ernest Borgnine, (laughter)
who has just eaten
a pepperoni pizza
and operated on by a
one-eyed octopus with hiccups!
(laughter and applause)
- Duck, duck!
(click)
(gunshot)
(gentle thump)
- That isn't a
duck, it's a chicken!
Have it your own way.
Chicken, chicken! (laughter)
I told you to duck, you chicken!
(laughter, lively music)
- Yeah, people ask me
why I make funny noises.
You know, like this.
(funny noises, laughter)
(panting)
The answer is
because it's easier
than making them like this.
(funny noises, laughter)
- This is Officer
Caldwell, checking in.
- [Man On Telephone]
Yes, Caldwell, what is it?
- There's a woman, 300
pound, on a ledge above me,
right now, threatening to jump.
What should I do?
- [Man On Telephone]
Well, if I were you,
I'd get out of the way.
(laughter)
- Good idea.
(slide whistle, thump, laughter)
Wouldn't have another
idea, would you? (laughter)
I mean, that was a good one.
The timing, first. (laughter)
- I mean, it must be
terrible being an atheist.
Imagine going through
life without a superstar.
(laughter) (drumbeat,
cymbal crashes)
- Innkeeper! (cup banging)
Wine for my men!
- Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...
- I'm sick of all this
whining! (soft clang, laughter)
- Hey, there's a big
shark down there.
You don't suppose he
could reach up here to us,
do you, Bernie?
Bernie? (laughter)
Bernie? (laughter)
- Lisa here at the film studios
of Metro Goldwyn
Whoopee, for the cast party.
I met a big
producer here tonight
who said he could
get me in the movies,
but the first thing he tried
was get me in the closet.
(laughter) Whoopee!
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(bell rings rapidly, laughter)
- Hey, Todd, every day when
I come home from school,
this big bully keeps on
punching me in the eye.
What should I do?
- Ask him to punch
you in the mouth
'til your eye gets
better. (laughter)
- Waiter, this plate
has a spot of dirt on it.
- What spot a' dirt, that's
your steak. (laughter)
- I like the Picasso.
Do you have a
picture by Picasso?
- Oh, yeah, well, we have
them from $5 to $5 million.
- (chuckling) Five,
I'd like the $5 one.
- Oh, well, here. (laughter)
- This is nothing but
a snapshot of a bus!
- Yes, but Picasso
took it. (laughter)
- Guy just gave me a great deal
on a used uke, three
bucks, no strings attached.
(laughter)
- And now, it's time for
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Plus Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson, Patti Deutsch,
Sarah Kennedy, Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and
Rusty, Lisa Farringer,
Lucy Tyler and Todd Bass.
With cameo appearances
by Johnny Carson,
Charlie Callas, Sandy Duncan,
Arthur Godfrey,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word to you golf widows.
Fore! (laughter)
- Say, captain.
That was a strange-looking plane
that passed us by on the side.
- That wasn't a plane,
it was a Greyhound bus.
I'm afraid of
heights. (laughter)
- [Gary Owens]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick
Martin! (cheers and applause)
- That's enough.
Don't go too far.
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have a show...
- If I don't look like I'm
standing still on your set,
call Dick Martin's
TV repair service.
- Wait, wait a, wait a
minute now, come on.
Wait a minute.
You're not honestly
a TV repairman.
- Well, not honestly, you
can't make any money that way.
(laughter)
- Oh, when it
comes to electronics,
you don't know a smattering.
- Of course I do,
they're small smats.
- Small smats.
- Smatters?
- What's a watt?
- A watt?
- Right, maybe you
do know something.
What's the name of your company?
- Well, I picked a
name with initials
that would list me
first in the phone book.
- Ah, I see,
that's an old trick.
So you're the AAAA
Repair Service?
- No, Triple L. (laughter)
- LL, that's not first
in the phone book!
- It is if they look
under L! (laughter)
- Suppose I gave you
a hypothetical case.
- I'd call my doctor. (laughter)
- Aw, come on. (laughter)
What if somebody sends for
you to come and fix their sink?
- Yes.
- What's the first thing you do?
- Tell 'em they have
to send it to the shop.
(laughter)
- Well, excuse me.
All right, you've got
it back at the shop.
- That was a short trip.
- Well, you're just
around the corner.
- Okay.
- All right,
now you turn on the set.
- Yes.
- And you see on the
left side a big black space,
and on the right
a big black space.
- Right.
- Now what have you got?
- Sanford and Son. (laughter)
- Aw, come on.
You know, the last time a
TV guy came to my house
to fix my set he was
there about 10 minutes,
he charged me 30 bucks.
- Well, you got off cheap.
- Cheap?
- I have one flat rate.
- What is it?
- $20,000 per set. (laughter)
- 20,000, you're not gonna get
many customers at that price.
- I only need one. (laughter)
- What kinda tools
you use in your trade?
- Well, I use a lotta tools.
- What's, for instance?
- I have a soldier iron.
- A soldering iron.
- Soldering iron. (laughter)
- I have pliers, I have a
hair dryer, screwdriver.
- A hairdryer?
- A nitpicker.
- A, and a nitpicker?
What's the hairdryer for?
- Well, it's the only thing
that'll keep my hair down
when I stick my finger in
the socket, you see. (laughter)
Well, you know
how those things go.
(both laughing)
- That's not even close!
However, we'll just
keep right on going.
- When you have a socket,
and you stick your finger in it,
your hair goes out!
- Now, just wait a minute.
- I use hair oil.
What would I use,
socket oil? (laughter)
- No, but you said hair dryer.
- Oh, well, that's another
question. (laughter)
If you wanna go for those
jokes. (Dick laughing loudly)
I'll bet you don't even
know, (Dick laughing loudly)
hey, ha ha ha, I'll bet
you don't even know
how you're able to get a
picture on a television set.
- Certainal I do!
- Yeah, how?
- Well, you turn the on and
off switch to on. (laughter)
- Yeah, but you don't
know how it actually works.
You realize a TV set
takes an electronic impulse
from the air and through
a series of diodes,
transistors, oscillators, and
condensers, stop snorting!
It transmits it via a
scanner, on to the face
of a large cathode ray tube,
that's how you get a picture.
- Well, I guess you could
do it that way too. (laughter)
- If you have a hair dryer.
(Dick laughing loudly)
I think you better give
up the whole silly idea.
- Maybe you're right.
- It's a slap (drowned
out by laughter)
- I've already made six house
calls at one girl's apartment.
- Six, what kind of
set does she have?
- Sensational. (laughter)
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- [Jud] Hey, have you
seen my girlfriend?
- Ha, oh, I don't know,
can you describe her?
- Well, she's 52, 21, 36.
- Does she have any
distinguishing features? (laughter)
- [Jud] She can't sit up.
- Get out. (Dick
laughing loudly)
- Excuse me, can you tell me
where I can find
some ice around here?
- Oh, are you mixing a drink?
- No, I got 12 little ants in
there who wanna play hockey.
- [Dick] Aww! (laughter)
- Hold it, hold it, pal.
I can't stand this anymore!
Somebody get me
outta here! (laughter)
- Listen, fella, you
produce this show.
You're gonna stick
around and watch it
like the rest of us.
- That's great, we'll
put a laugh track,
it'll work, it'll
work. (laughter)
- My wife just had a baby.
- Is it a boy or girl?
- Ah, well we're very liberal.
- Oh.
- So we're gonna wait
until it gets old enough
to let it decide for
itself. (laughter)
- Well, get it a hair
dryer. (laughter)
- Hey, Sarah.
- Huh?
- Where you going, what's that?
- Dental floss.
- Dental floss?
- Yeah, my elephant
has a toothache.
(groaning, applause)
- Well, get him a hair dryer.
(applause, lively music)
- Your attention, please.
Will the Pershing
Square wino dressed in
the TV section of the
Los Angeles Times
please stop introducing
himself as Cecil Smith. (laughter)
Thank you.
- Hey, Todd, have you
ever been kissed by a girl?
- Yeah, once.
- What was it like?
- Like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich
without the bread. (laughter)
- I know a guy who
went through four years
of medical school
trying to decide
whether to become a
dermatologist or a dentist.
He just graduated by the
skin of his teeth. (laughter)
(rhythmic tapping)
- Uh-Huh.
(rhythmic tapping)
- What'd he say?
- First word, second syllable,
sounds like (rhythmic tapping)
- On New Year's Eve, I
made myself a promise
that I wouldn't do
anything foolish this year,
so why am I doing
this show? (laughter)
- This is the very best.
- Uh-huh, I'll take it.
There you go, enough?
- Oh!
Thank you, thank you.
- Huh!
(laughter)
(gong crashing)
- At last I am suffering so,
'cause my wife said I had to go.
I played it with her,
but she would not stir,
and that's why I'm here
on this show. (laughter)
Henry W. Longfellow. (laughter)
- Oh, what happened to you?
- Oh, well, we had
a flat tire. (laughter)
- Don't tell me he
made you change it?
- Oh, yeah, he did
make me change it.
- Oh!
- But it wasn't so bad.
Of course he coulda
made it a lot easier.
- Oh, how's that?
- Well, he coulda
stopped the car. (laughter)
- Ha.
Even as a child I was different.
When most kids got mad,
they threw tantrums, but not me.
When I got mad, I threw
fish. (smooching, laughter)
- You ready?
Now, look, just last Friday
you just had your first date
with a young lady by
the name of Jezebel,
and you really muffed it.
- I didn't do nothin' wrong.
- Look, I tell you what,
let's start from the beginning.
You went to Jezebel's house,
you walked up the steps,
and you knocked
on the door, right?
- Yeah.
- Her father answered, right?
- Yeah.
- Now pretend I'm
Jezebel's father.
See, I open the door and I say,
"Why, good evening, young man!"
And you said?
- "Hey, baby, what's
happenin'?" (laughter)
- You didn't really
say that, did you?
- Sure did, man, what's wrong?
- Hey, that's no way to
talk to Jezebel's father.
You shoulda said, "It
is indeed a pleasure
"to meet you, sir!"
Try that.
Try it.
- It is indeed a
pleasure to meet you, sir.
Hey, baby, what's
happenin'? (laughter)
- For the last time,
dummy, we're musketeers,
not Mouseketeers! (laughter)
- Does that mean my date
with Annette is off? (laughter)
- Here I am at the Metro
Goldwyn Whoopee studio party.
They had a huge
swimming pool filled with gin,
and Dean Martin fell into it.
Somebody threw
him a life preserver,
but he threw it out and said,
"Never mind that, just
throw me an olive." (laughter)
Whoopee.
(bell rings once )
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(bell continues
ringing, laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- I recently watched
a compatriot
quaff seven glasses
of Scotch and water.
It repels me to see a fellow
dumping so much excess
water into his system.
That's dangerous.
Could get water on
the knee. (laughter)
Have to wear pumps. (laughter)
- Hey, it's good to
see you again, John.
- Thank you, Dan.
- How many times you
been on our show now?
- I think five or six.
- Well, that's not many.
- More times than I've
been on mine. (laughter)
- Sister, for the church bazaar
we've decided to
make jams and jellies.
- Oh, heaven
preserve us! (laughter)
- I, (clicks tongue) I
had a lonely childhood.
I remember one day
when I was seven,
my father took me aside,
and he left me there.
(laughter) Vvvvt, vvvvt.
- And this is a recently
discovered portrait
of Abraham Lincoln by
the genius Michelangelo.
- Michelangelo lived many,
many years before Lincoln.
- Yes, you see, the man
was years ahead of his time.
(laughter)
- Send in my next
patient, please.
(laughter)
Ah, now what seems
to be your trouble?
- Oh, what seems
to be my trouble?
I'm fat, that's my trouble.
(Doctor clicks tongue)
- My love, always remember,
fat is a state of mind.
- Oh, wait a minute, you
mean I only think I'm fat?
- Absolutely!
Now, sit here.
- Oh!
- And here, and here,
and here. (laughter)
- Hey, Lucy, what
person on Laugh-In
sounds like a door bell?
- I don't know, who?
- Ruth Buzzi, get it? (laughter)
Buzz, buzz, Buzzi!
(both laughing)
- I'm here in Cuba
with Fidel Castro
in his new offices
high above Havana.
Mr. Castro.
- Yes.
- Why did you decide to
move into these new offices?
- I chose this place because
whenever I want to see
all the happy Cubans,
did you get the
happy Cubans part?
All I have to do is
look out this window.
It's a Chinese window.
- I don't see any happy Cubans.
- Oh, sure you can.
Ayyy.
Look through this telescope.
- What?
- I said look through
the telescope.
You see, it's pointed
at Miami. (laughter)
- You heard it here in Havana.
- Si.
- Isn't it nice, they're
lettin' our wives
into the prison for those
wild overnight parties.
- Yeah, I just wish the
guards would let us in.
- Yeah. (laughter)
(bell ringing)
- Front, I'm JJ Muldoon.
- Well, I'll make
a deal with you.
You say nothing,
and I'll say nothing.
- [JJ] Well, look,
can you help me?
- I can't, but I can recommend
a good plastic surgeon.
- [JJ] Listen, I'd
like to get a room.
- Well, I've got a room.
I can also give you a board.
In fact, I'll give you one
of the most boring rooms
you've ever seen. (laughter)
- Well, can somebody
take my bag?
- Certainly. (bell ringing)
Remember, you asked for this.
(horn honking)
He wants a hand,
not a leg, stupid.
Now take this man's
bag, please. (horn honking)
(laughter)
You know, I think
you're losing your grip,
or you have an
impediment in your reach.
- I wanna see the manager.
- What for, he's
already got a room.
- Hey, what seems
to be the trouble here?
- Well, my back is killin' me,
and this guy's a
pain in the neck.
- Look, I want my bags back.
- What's the matter,
you got a bad back too?
You oughtta get offa your feet.
Why don't you try walkin'
on somebody else's?
- Ow! (laughter)
Look, I'm gonna
file a suit here.
- Why not just hang
it up in the closet
like everybody else?
- He as a point. (bell ringing)
Front!
(horn honking)
File this man's
suit. (horn honking)
- Tell me I'll have
your job for this!
- You got it. (horn honking)
Now take this man
and this bag to the room.
He's a heavy tipper.
Well, if they believe
we're the Marx brothers...
- They gonna believe anything.
- You bet your life. (applause)
- Hey, John, I
understand your brother
is the director of
another talk show.
Does that bother you?
- Not at all.
- Which show does
he work on, John?
- What show does
who work on? (laughter)
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
(upbeat music)
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
What's in use across the nation
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
We have got the information
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
In a way that some may see 'em
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
It is really worth a million
Boom chicky boom
chicky ba ba ba boom
We we we will love love love
To give give give
you all of our dues
La chicky la chicky la la di da
(singing gibberish)
(laughter, applause)
(whistling loudly)
- [Gary] It's time for
the Laugh-in News,
with Jack Lalanne
lifting weights,
Conrad Newton changing weights,
Joe Namath switching dates,
Bobby Fisher checking mates.
And now, with the news, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- And now, here's Dick
with news of the present.
- News of the present,
dateline Burbank.
The first annual Burbank
wife swapping party
was a huge success.
Particularly pleased
was fireman Bruce Shaw,
who said, "Great, I
managed to swap my wife,
"Sally, for a '49 Hudson
with a rear..." (laughs)
- All right, don't
get stuck up now.
- It just amused me to
see what was coming.
- He swiped his wife Sally...
- "For a 1949 Hudson
with a rebuilt rear end.
"Which is more than
I can say for Sally."
- [Dan] Is that what he said?
- That's what he
said. (laughter)
Dateline, St. Louis, Mo.
- Missouri.
- Missouri.
Baldo the Human Balloon Panish,
whose act consisted of inhaling
large amounts of helium
and floating toward the sun,
met with a strange end today.
- [Dan] What happened?
- Well, while performing
his act in St. Louis,
he got a violent
attack of hiccups,
and landed in
Milwaukee. (laughter)
Memphis, Detroit, (laughter)
Minneapolis.
He didn't even have enough
gas to get to Pittsburgh.
(laughter)
- You're in Pittsburgh!
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
here's Dan with the
news of the future.
- Very well done, sir.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- News, see, isn't it
nice when Paul is near?
News of the future
20 years from now.
Conservationist demands
for more open space
were satisfied today as
the Department of Interior
made Rhode Island
a national park.
The new park will be
devoted to preservation
of endangered species:
the American bison,
the blue-crested heron,
and the Democratic
National Committee.
(laughter)
Thank you, God love you.
News of the future
20 years from now.
Henry Kissinger, now
entering the ninth year
of his engagement
to his fiancee,
revealed that the
delay of the marriage
has been due to
complications in negotiating.
Details still to
be worked out are
the shape of the
bed, a formation
of a coalition bank
account, (laughter)
and the honorable withdrawal
of all in-laws. (laughter)
- Pretty good. (laughs)
And now a look at
our man on the street.
- Yes, I'm the man on
the street. (laughter)
I'm tired of people
walking all over me.
Dammit!
- And now, for an
on-the-spot report
from the Vatican in Rome.
- What do you think
of the Pope's address?
- Oh, I like his
dress, I like his shoes,
I like his hat, I like
his socks. (laughter)
- Now with the gangster
news, here's the godmother,
sweet little Alice Capone.
- Alice Capone here
with the syndicate news.
(bang, objects clatter)
Big news at my house.
My little boy, Sonny,
went on that TV show
Let's Make a Deal the other day
and came home
with the whole show.
It seems he made Monty
Hall an offer he couldn't refuse.
- Oh, boy.
Here's Jud Strump
with the sports news
from Farmington, Maine.
- Hi there, Jud Strump
here from Farmington, Maine,
the famous football
capital of the world.
Bringing you in just in
time for the final second
of the potato bowl between
Mooselick McGonick
and Liver Marfage.
Abigail Belcher,
their cheerleader,
took the field today,
and was so homely
that the concessionaires
refused to set up. (laughter)
Now, right somewhere in
that crowd is Snade Snidely,
who's gonna pitch
that ball, pigskin,
right over that banister,
through them goalposts,
and try to land it
on Tippy-toe Topson's toe.
You think he can
do it? (whistles)
There, Snade!
He's got it in the
air, it's going up,
oh, I think it's gonna make
it through the goalposts!
It's gettin' better, it's
awful excitin' comin' in here,
looks like it's gonna
land, has he got it?
On his toe! (laughter)
And that's the end of it.
(laughter and applause)
Back to you, Dan
and Dick. (whistles)
- Here's Hollywood's fun
couple, Lance and Tina.
- Good morning, Lance.
- Morning, Tina.
(smooching)
- Oops! (laughter)
Hmm.
- Well, hmm. (laughter)
Looks like it's
going to be splitsville
for Paul Newman
and Elizabeth Taylor.
- But they're not married.
- Oh, happened already, huh?
Any chance of the getting
back together again?
- Paul Newman is married
to Joanne Woodward.
- Oh, he sure doesn't
waste any time, did he?
(laughter)
- Paul Newman has always
been married to Joanne Woodward.
- Oh, a bigamist, huh?
- No, he was never married
to Elizabeth Taylor, dear.
- So they were living
in sin together, huh,
while he was married to
another woman? (Tina sighs)
- Elizabeth Taylor is
married to Richard Burton.
- Well, two wrongs don't
make a right, you know.
- I'm sorry, Lance, I
simply have no more time
to discuss this, I
must get to the studio
to start my new film
with Paul Newman.
- Dear, you're making a
picture with Paul Newman,
that two-timing bigamist
cheater? (laughter)
Well, looks like it's splitville
for Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
- You heard it here first.
(laughter and applause)
- And as long as we're
on a show biz kick,
here's syndicated
columnist Marilyn Beck.
- My sources in
Hollywood tell me
that when Mama Cass dies
she wants her ashes scattered
over Maine, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Connecticut, (laughter)
New Hampshire, Michigan,
Wisconsin, Minnesota. (laughter)
- And here is Richard Dawson
with the senior citizen news.
- Oh, my goodness,
John J. Daley, age 96,
today divorced his
wife, Dolores, age 93,
just a child, on the grounds
that she went to a motel
with George Tiger Farbell
for immoral memories.
- Out of Manchuria for
the Sino-Russian news.
- Hey, no, no, that is not true.
I don't care who, I don't know
why you Chinese are worried.
All Mother Russia wants peace.
- Oh, well that's why
I'm here, to make sure
the peace you want, not
a piece of China. (laughter)
- That's a good one. (sniffs)
- Also want to ask
you something.
What happened to Boris Spassky,
a fellow who lost chess
championship to that American?
- You had to ask, eh?
I saw pictures of him last week.
He's at the Kremlin.
- [Man] What was he doing there?
- The windows. (laughter)
- Gary Owens with a word
for all you women out there
who want to be 15
years younger and look it,
and have the free
luncheon with Paul Newman.
Here's all you... (laughter)
La chicky la chicky la la di da
Ladies and gentlemen
love to look at our loot
(singing gibberish)
(applause, maracas shaking)
- I just saw a western
movie about a judge
that everybody
used to throw around.
It was called Judge
Roy Beanbag. (laughter)
- Bring us a wench.
- We want to monkey around.
- That's right, bring
us a monkey wench.
- Aww.
- I'm sick of that!
- Oy, a clump!
- Hi, this is Lisa at the
Metro Goldwyn Whoopee
studio party.
I met one actress here
who said she made
$1 million a year
in pictures. (giggles)
And she only worked with a
Polaroid and two witnesses.
(laughter) Whoopee.
- Well, my attorney called.
He's got some good
news and some bad news.
- No kiddin', what'd Hook say?
- Well, he said the
good news is that
I'm getting outta this cell.
- Great, what's the bad news?
- I'm goin' to the
chair. (laughter)
(bell rings once)
(bell rings once)
(click)
(laughter)
- You know, Dick
Martin is really confused.
When they told
him the old redhead
was gonna be on
Laugh-In, he said,
"Well, you tell him to
deny everything." (laughter)
- Hey, Todd, do you know
anything about history?
- Everything.
- All right, what important
event took place in 1809?
- That's easy, Abraham
Lincoln was born in 1809.
- Okay, then what important
even took place in 1812?
- Abraham Lincoln's
third birthday.
- So did you meet
Jezebel's mother?
- Sure did.
- And?
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Man, she is some mother.
She is preserved like
a can of peaches, man.
She got her thing together.
- But you didn't insult
Jezebel's mother, did you?
- Course not,
man, I flattered her.
- You flattered her?
- Yeah.
- How did you flatter her?
- I told her I couldn't believe
she was Jezebel's mother.
- That was very sweet of you.
- 'Cause Jezebel was so
much uglier than her. (laughter)
Jezebel was so much
uglier than her. (laughter)
Man, what y'all
want me to do, walk?
(laughter, applause)
- Hi.
- I wonder, would you
appraise this painting for me?
- Yes, well, I charge
$5 for appraisals.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Well, um, ooh, ah, yes.
That's worth
about $2. (laughter)
- $2?
- Sir, the $5.
(laughter)
Thank you.
$1.50, maybe, I
don't know. (laughter)
The Gala Salute
to the Department
of Health, Education, and
Welfare has been cancelled
due to illness,
poverty, and ignorance.
Or the other way
around. (laughter)
- Art, we know
you're very concerned
with the environment,
isn't that right?
- That's right, it's
very important.
Friend a' mine had thousands
of pamphlets printed up,
tellin' people
to stop littering.
And he dropped 'em
from an airplane. (laughter)
- What happened?
- He got arrested
for littering. (laughter)
(cymbal crash)
- I grew up in a
neighborhood so tough,
I know a guy who was
a construction worker,
fell off a 36-story
building to his death.
(slide whistle, very low note)
Three times. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
(lively music)
Step right up and buy a ticket
Get your money's worth
You have been invited to
the greatest show on earth
Look at that dope
on his tight little rope
Without trouble or
care 80 feet in the air
Look at the sad little clown
It's make 'em scream
Make 'em laugh
Learn to ride a big giraffe
Circus is coming to town
Look at the guy
floatin' right in the sky
On his flying trapeze
Hangin' on by his knees
It looks like 100 feet
down So keep it wild
Keep it free Play
that old calliope
Circus is comin' to town
Ain't it fun to
buy a red balloon
Ain't ya wild for cotton candy
Ain't it fun to see an elephant
Ain't that bareback
rider fine and dandy
Look at that gent who
just entered the tent
He will tame a few cats
With a whip and some pats
And look at the ringmaster frown
It's step right up Center ring
Hear the bearded
lady sing Flaming hoops
Teeter boards
Watch the fella swallow swords
Bring the kids Bring the wife
Watch the gypsy juggle knives
Circus is coming to town
(applause)
- And there you see it
before your very eyes,
ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Grippo,
suspended 200 feet in
the air on a short rope
by nothing but his teeth!
Grippo, that's magnificent!
- [Grippo] Thank you very much!
(slide whistle,
crashing, glass breaking)
- There it is, ladies
and gentlemen,
Grippo the Magnificent,
the world's shortest man.
- Totie Fields
always wanted to be
the fat lady in the circus,
but she could never make it.
You have to weigh 350 pounds.
- Yeah, and she ain't
gonna on no diet for nobody.
(laughter)
(jaunty music)
- Hup!
- Hup!
Ho, hoy-yah! (crunching)
Ohhh. (laughter)
- Jud?
- Yeah, Ruth.
- There was a very
unusual murder
at the circus the other day.
- Really, what happened?
- Well, the ringmaster
caught his wife
foolin' around with
the strong man.
- Yeah.
- So he shot her
with Boomo, the human
bullet. (both laughing)
(lion roaring)
- Mmm, ha.
And now, in the center
ring, ha-ha, just vocalizing.
What happened to you?
- Well, you know that
two and a half twist I do
where Henderson catches me?
- Certainly do, it's the
greatest thing in your act.
It's terrific!
- Yeah, well, how
come you didn't tell me
Henderson was off
tonight? (laughter)
- I know one circus that travels
from city to city by
airplane, and when they do,
they fly their elephants
by jumbo jets. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
- Hut!
- Ho!
- Ho!
- Hee-Hah!
- Hah! (clapping)
(cracking)
(laughter, groaning)
- I knew a man in the circus
who could juggle 10
books at the same time.
Unfortunately
he's in prison now.
He was a circus
accountant. (laughter)
(jaunty music)
- I got a act that'll be
great for your circus.
- What is it?
- Well, you see, I have
myself shot outta this cannon
through six flaming
hoops, four-foot brick wall,
and a elephant.
- That's terrific, you're hired!
- Ah, there's one drawback I
think you should be aware of.
- What's that?
- I'm only good for
one show. (laughter)
- Then there was
a circus performer
who took a bath and left
three rings around the tub.
(laughter, bell rings)
- Hi, honey.
Hello, I'm home. (smooch)
- How was your
day at the circus?
- Well, tiring.
Being a ringmaster
isn't easy, you know.
What's for dinner?
- Okay! (laughing)
(whistling)
(whip cracking) Whoo!
On plate number one, roast beef!
- Yeah! (whistling)
- And on plate number
two, (whip cracking)
franks and beans!
(whistling, whip cracking)
And on plate number
three, (whistling)
tuna casserole!
- Yay! (applause, whistling)
- When I was six years
old, we lived in a trailer.
But one day, while I
was playin' outside,
it rolled down a
hill and ran into
the Barnum and
Bailey tent, you know?
And it was the first time ever,
a home ever ran away
from a kid to join the circus.
- When Mickey Rooney
dances with Raquel Welch,
he calls it "working under
the big top." (laughter)
(lion roars, whip cracks)
(lion roaring)
(man vocalizing)
- I wanna see the fat lady.
- Ha, she's not here right now.
She went out to lunch.
- When's she gonna be back?
- A week from
Tuesday. (laughter)
- I went to the sideshow
and the three-headed man
gave me the eyes. (laughter)
- Hey, Dennis.
- Oh, what, Jud?
- I'm probably the greatest
circus stunt man of all time.
- Oh, go on.
- I'm tellin' you, one
time I rode a bicycle
across Niagra Falls.
- You didn't.
- Yeah, and was
it ever rough, too.
- Why, why?
Did the wire sway a lot?
- Wire?
What wire? (laughter)
- Hey, dynamite.
- I hear the tattooed
lady's asking for a divorce.
- Why is that, sir?
- She says her husband
punched her in the battleship.
(laughter, lion roars)
(lion roaring)
- [Lion Tamer] Just for that,
you're not getting any Alpo!
- Excuse me.
I wanna see the rubber man.
- Ah, he's not
here, not here, no.
He got bounced yesterday.
- I once had a job in the
circus as a human cannonball.
It was great!
Until I came to work
loaded and got fired.
(laughter)
- Know Madam Fat,
the fat lady of the circus,
weighs 632 pounds.
- Stripped?
- Oh, don't be silly, that'd
take forever. (laughter)
What a life full of mirth
It's the greatest show on earth
Circus is coming to town
(applause)
- You know, I make a lotta fun
about Doc Severinsen
wearing sissy-type clothes,
but doesn't seem to
bother her. (laughter)
- I've been in this
cell for 15 years,
and I haven't cracked.
How about you,
Shirley? (laughter)
- All right, Mom.
- What happened next?
- Well, Jezebel was
really late by now.
- So what did you do?
- I went upstairs to her room
and I drug her down the steps.
- In front of her
mother and her father?
- Well, I tried to
sneak her down
but her head kept bumpin'
along the floor. (laughter)
- This is Lisa speaking to you
from the Metro Goldwyn
Whoopee cast party.
Hollywood people
wear such wild clothing.
As a matter of fact, at
the party here tonight,
I couldn't tell the
host from the hostess,
until they both took
off their dresses.
Whoopee. (laughter)
- I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- Aw, no!
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- I beg to differ.
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France!
(gunshot)
(gunshot)
- I am not too bad
with a pistol either, huh?
(laughter)
- I see nothing
strange about someone
who talks to himself, do you?
No.
Thank you. (laughter)
Well, I'm glad to hear that, oh.
- How come you're so
late getting home today?
- Well, after Sunday school
I went to church
with the grownups.
- How did you like it?
- Well, I liked the music okay,
but the commercial
was too long. (laughter)
- When I first
started out in radio,
it wasn't easy for me to be
sponsored by a big soup company.
I had to use my
noodle. (laughter)
- Can I help you?
- Oh, I don't know
if you can or not.
Do you have da
Vinci's Last Supper?
- No.
Oh!
Goldberg left his
lunch, though. (laughter)
- Instead of the question
and answer period,
we're going to
have safety hints.
When parking your car on a hill,
if you're headed down the hill,
turn your wheel into the curb.
That way, if your brakes...
- Ten-hut!
Ha!
At ease!
Worst looking
outfit I've ever seen!
- What's this all about?
(slap)
- Slacker! (laughter)
Why, what are you doing here
hiding behind the enemy lines?
This is war, boy!
(slap) Ha!
- You hit me again, I'm
gonna guarantee you it's war.
Now what are you
doing in that outfit?
- I've just been named
an honorary general
by the men of the
223rd Armored Division.
- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.
- Well, being an
honorary general
just doesn't make you
an officer, you know.
- No?
- No, sir, Congress
has to act first.
- Well, I can't wait
that long. (laughter)
Why, in two more months
I'll be on maneuvers
with my men.
- With your own men.
- Out there in those
slimy trenches.
- What trenches?
- Leading them over the top...
- They don't go over
the top anymore!
- They don't?
- No, haven't for
many, many years.
- Well, then, we'll dig our
way through the bottom!
- The only diggin'
you do is for foxholes.
- Not me, let the foxes
dig their own holes. (slap)
You're forgetting
to call me sir!
- If you hit me again I'm
gonna call you more than that!
You never could
be a real general.
Look at you, bouncin'
around and everything.
- Americans love
a winner! (laughter)
- Well, in the first place,
a general has to remain
icy calm at all times,
in full control.
- I am in control at all times.
- You're not either.
- Yes, I am, I swear,
I'm in control! (laughter)
I'm in control!
Yes!
- You expect men to follow you?
- Hmm?
I never expect it,
but they always do.
Last night on
Hollywood Boulevard...
- I'll skip that. (laughter)
- Well, you too, that's
what they were doing.
- No, no, no. (laughter)
You don't know the first
thing about military life.
Where were you
during World War Two?
- Mostly in Canada.
- Sure.
- Then I joined the
American intelligence
and was wounded in France.
- OSS?
- No, in the A-R-M,
naturally. (laughter)
Are there kids around, why
are we spelling? (laughter)
- Now tell me the truth.
- T-R-U-T-H! (laughter)
- No, no, no, have
you seen any action?
- Well, there was
this guy followin' me
on Hollywood Boulevard...
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Actually, I've been
concentrating on my bowling game.
- General, what was your rank,
during the war,
what was your rank?
- During World War I-I?
- Yes, World War I-I.
- I was a PFC.
- Well, I was a lieutenant,
so I outrank you.
Ten-hut!
'Bout face!
Forward march!
Hup, two, three,
four, hup! (applause)
- Hey, Todd, do you think
Dick is really that stupid?
- Listen, any guy
who likes girls
as much as Dick does has
gotta be dumb. (laughter)
- And another thing!
As long as I'm payin'
the bills in this house,
you're gonna behave
in a respectable manner!
- That's right, the youth
of today has no discipline.
- Right.
You kids are all alike!
You're wild,
disrespectful, and immoral.
- He's right.
- Dad?
Who's she?
- Oh, don't worry about her,
it's just some broad I
picked up in a bar last night.
(laughter)
- You know, our
whole show just loves
the California sunshine.
Ed McMahon is
soaking it up all the time.
Sometimes I wish
he'd quit soaking it up
and get a little
more sun. (laughter)
- I like everything you have,
but I think what
I'd like to have
is one of
Toulouse-Lautrec's paintings
of the Moulin Rouge Cafe.
How much will that be?
- Well, that would be $10,000,
plus a two-drink minimum,
no cover. (laughter)
Do you get it? (laughter)
- I think it's extremely
generous of you
to give an ex-burglar a job
in your home as your butler.
- Oh, well, it's part of our
club's rehabilitation program.
(bell ringing)
(door slams)
Would you clear the
table, please, James?
- Yes, madam.
(lively music, objects
clattering, laughter)
- Oh!
(telephone ringing)
- Hello?
Jack Benny calling?
Oh! (laughter)
Yes, this is his
mother, you see.
Will I accept the charges?
I'm thinking, I'm
thinking! (laughter)
Gee, all right.
I mean, how much can it be?
It's only six blocks.
Hello, Blue Eyes?
Now, look, things aren't
going too well here.
My rent's been raised again,
and it's the third time this
year you've done that to me.
After all, how much can a
39-year-old woman stand?
Hello?
(applause)
- I knew Totie Fields
when she first started out
in this business.
Course, since then she's
gone on to bigger things.
- It's been tough out west, man,
bein' a old cowpoke.
- Why?
- Well, who'd wanna go around
pokin' old cows? (laughter)
- I went out on a double
date with Dick the other night.
Now you would've thought
that at least one of us
would've gotten a girl,
whoa-ho! (laughter)
- You can't do this
to me, I happen to be
a very close
friend of the queen!
- I know, that's why the
king had you thrown in here.
(laughter)
- I just wanna say that
being on Laugh-In is thrilling
and I'm very excited. (snoring)
(laughter)
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once) ("Three
Blind Mice") (laughter)
- This is Lisa at the Metro
Goldwyn Whoopee studio party.
I asked an actor if he thought
performers were funny people.
He said, "No, of course not,"
and then he introduced
me to his husband.
Whoopee! (laughter)
- I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- No.
I am the greatest
swordsman in all of France.
- Well, what about
you? (laughter)
- I'd rather not talk
about it. (sword boinging)
- Wow!
The most exciting news!
You remember
we've been telling you
that Fannie Farkle's going
to have a baby any day now?
Well, guess what?
That day has come.
- Just think.
Fannie Farkle is about to
have a baby any day now.
Tell me, Fannie, when do you...
Why, Ferd, where's Fannie?
- Why, she went to
the hospital, Frank.
- The hospital?
Just when she was
about to have a baby?
- Well, Fannie's fine, Frank.
Nurse Floss Fenwick phoned.
- Nurse Floss Fenwick,
that faithful friend
of fitness and foe of fever,
hark, who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
- I'm that faithful friend
of fitness and foe of fever.
Remember me?
- No, can't say I do.
- Floss Fenwick!
- Well, hello, Floss
Fenwick, Frank Farkle here.
Ferd, Floss Fenwick, and her?
- Ahhhh!
- Sparkle Farkle, and
him, Darkle Farkle.
- Hey, baby! (laughter)
- Here's your baby.
- Oh, just wait 'til
Fannie finds out, Ferd.
- [Floss] Here's your baby.
- Just wait 'til
Fannie finds out.
- Here's your baby.
- Just wait 'til Fannie...
- Here's your baby.
- Just, wait!
- Here's your baby.
- But you've already given
me four babies, remember?
- Can't say that
I do. (laughter)
- Why, what will
Fannie say, Ferd?
- Frank, great news.
- What news, Fannie?
- Just think, I'm going to
have a baby any day now.
(laughter)
- Ferd, you did it again.
- And again.
- And again.
- And again.
- That was fierce folly, Fannie.
- Fair, Ferd. (laughter)
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, folks,
when Ferd Burfle says...
- That's five
fantastically fast Farkles
you found here,
Frank. (laughter)
- Thanks, Ferd.
- When I was a kid
I never had to worry
about being absent from school.
Joy Bishop filled
in for me. (laughter)
- Hey, Todd, how
come you're so sad?
- Because I got
punished for something
I didn't even do.
- No kidding, what's that?
- My arithmetic. (laughter)
- Well, they're all nice,
but do you have something
that would really look
well on a white wall?
- How 'bout a hubcap? (laughter)
- (giggles) Do you
know that when a wino
is up all night
drinking, the next day
he has paper bags
under his eyes? (laughter)
I'm embarrassed I had
to say that! (laughter)
- You know what they call it
when a member of the
National Rifle Association
tells his kid about sex?
They call it the
birds and the BBs.
B-b-b-ba-be that's
all, folks! (laughter)
- Father, I have this thing
about swinging through trees.
- Tell you what.
I'll have a bottle of 1956
Chateaneuf De Pape,
exactly 38 degrees.
Make it 39.
- I'm sorry, sir.
We're all out of
that particular wine.
- Well, in that case I'll,
give me a beer, okay?
(laughter)
- Do you have the license
plates with my name on 'em yet?
- Oh, we certainly do.
Here you are,
Mr. Popadopalopovich. (laughter)
- Many people have queried me
as to just exactly
what W.C. stands for.
Ah, well, my good man, W.C.
will stand for almost anything,
except being hit in the
fetlock with a wet carp.
- My doctor is really great.
I told him that I have insomnia,
and he told me not to lose
any sleep over it. (laughter)
- John, do you like
doing late night TV?
- I do, Dan, it's nice working
the same hours as muggers.
- Doctor, I have this constant
urge to kill my husband.
- Don't worry, I
think I can help you.
- Well, would you hurry up?
I'm already on my
47th husband! (laughter)
- Didn't you tell her
what the file was for
when you asked your mother
to send us a birthday cake?
- Ah, she meant well. (laughter)
- All right, the old
man and the young girl,
this is the love
scene, take 27. (clack)
Cue the oxygen. (laughter)
- [Both] That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- Hey, Lucy, what are you
gonna be when you grow up?
- Well, I decided that,
because of my vast knowledge
of interplanetary flight,
its surrounding
avenues of endeavor,
I will become an astronaut.
- But, Lucy, astronauts never
get to go outside and play.
- Okay, then I'll be
a lizard. (laughter)
- I saw your ad, I
understand you have
a genuine Paul Gauguin.
- Ooh, yes, yes, we
have one right here
for $3.50.
(lively music)
- How can you sell
a Gauguin so cheap?
- He's dead, he
won't know. (laughter)
- That's it, I must leave
the Three Musketeers.
- Aww, but we've been
together for the last 36 years!
- Yes, why would
you want to leave?
- 'Cause I need a
broad. (honk, honk)
- Hey, Leonard.
- What is it, Doris?
- Did you see my swizzle stick?
- I certainly did not,
where did it stick?
- Well, that's what I
like about you, Leonard.
You're always good for a laugh.
You always pick me up.
- Well, not always,
sometimes you pick me up.
(both laughing)
- I'll drink to that!
(Leonard laughs)
- I have to look for
my little lost doggy.
- Why, I didn't know you
had a little lost doggy, Len.
- Oh, yes, I lost him
when I was six years old.
- I say!
You know, you'll
never find him now!
- Why not?
- Well, you know how far
he must be by now? (laughs)
- You're right, let's
have another drink.
- Oh, yay! (thump) (laughter)
- You always turn me
on, Leonard! (laughter)
- [Leonard] Come down
here and say that! (laughter)
(applause)
- You know, Ed McMahon told me
that his grandfather,
the pioneer,
was such a lush that his wife
was always making him go on
the covered wagon. (laughter)
- You really have
some fine paintings.
Do you have The Blue Boy?
- Oh, sure!
I'll just get him out of
the freezer. (laughter)
- Owie, in this business
you can't get by
on looks alone.
Now they tell me!
Hee-hee! (laughter)
- Before I go, can I leave
the folks with a last word?
- A last word?
- Yeah.
- Go right ahead.
- Folks, this is for y'all, now.
Oh, yeah, there ya go.
Oh, there ya go, okay.
Get me right, now.
A kiss is like lightin' a stove.
Doesn't necessarily mean
you can cook, baby. (laughter)
Yeah yeah yeah (applause)
- Well, I think that's
about it for tonight.
Time to put another one to bed.
- Hey! (laughter)
- As they say.
- Put it to bed?
- Yes.
- You mean, oh...
- It's a wrap.
- Oh, wrap.
- Yes.
- Well, would you like
to hear, just before that.
- Yes.
- Would you like to hear
about what my aunt said
the night that she was
trapped on the top floor
of the Leaning Tower
of Pizza with the...
- Pizza?
- Pizza, (chuckles)
I changed it.
For the whole cast...
- For the whole cast.
- Of Rigoletto.
- Why, that's the wildest
thing I've ever heard of, he said.
- Ha, well, you
think that's wild,
look what's coming up
on next week's show.
- Oh, a sneaky
intro. (slide whistle)
(applause and lively music)
- [Gary] Guest star
Steve Lawrence.
(applause and lively music)
Steve Allen.
(applause and lively music)
- [All] Hey! (applause)
What's the favorite recipe
Of a Jordan psychiatrist
- I don't know, what?
- Southern Freud
chicken. (laughter)
- [Richard] Dennis, Dennis!
- What, Richard?
- Who preaches to fish
in a lake in Scotland?
- I don't know, who?
- The Loch Ness
Minister! (laughter)
- Sarah!
- [Sarah] Yeah!
- What is huge and lies all
over peanut butter sandwiches?
- I don't know, who?
- The Jelly Green
Giant! (laughter)
- You know, the
problem with plumbers
is they're never available
when you really need them.
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire.
- I always have a plumber
who's at my disposal. (groans)
- Listen, listen.
Charlton Heston took me
to his apartment last night.
- [All] Whoo-whoo!
But I walked out on him.
I didn't like his first commandment.
(exclaiming, laughter)
- Hey, who is a famous actor.
- [All] Yeah?
- And he has his
own television show.
- [All] Yeah?
- And has very rough skin?
- [All] Oh, who?
- Raymond Burlap!
(laughter and groaning)
- Oh, hey, what famous novel.
- [All] Yeah?
- Was written
about an Indian tribe
who would play their tom-toms
on people's davenports?
- [Ruth] I don't know, what?
- Drums Along the
Mohair. (laughter, groans)
- Tell me this, Dick.
- Yes.
- Whose president
keeps chickens warm?
- I don't know, who, Dan?
- Richard Henhouse
Nixon. (laughter)
- You know, my
cousin is an acrobat.
And when she finishes tumbling,
her feet are so sore,
she has to soak them
in hot somersaults. (laughter)
- Time to say good night, Dick.
- Well, that reminds me,
everybody knows the name
of the man who shot the apple
off his son's head with
an arrow was William Tell.
What was his son called?
- I don't know,
what was he called?
- Stupid! (laughter)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night!
- [Group] Good night, good bye!
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
Yeah, good night.
(clicks tongue)
- Good night, Dick.
Whoopee.
- Good night, Dick.
(lion roars)
- Good night, Dicky!
(bones crunch)
- Good night, Dick!
(claps)
- A-hey!
- [All] Good night,
Dick. (horn honks)
- Good night, Dick.
Say good night, dummy.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Here they come again. (laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
(whistle tweeting)
Good night chicky Dick
chicky Dick chicky Dick
Chicky Dick chicky Dick
chicky Dick chicky Dick
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
All right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughter)
- [All] Good night, Dick!
(bell ringing once)
(bell ringing once)
(upbeat music, laughter)
(slide whistle) (cymbal crash)
(slow laughter)