Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 21 - Episode #6.21 - full transcript
(amusing, flute music
and slide whistle)
(audience applauds)
- Gotcha! (laughs)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
tonight our guests are the stars
of Bridget Loves Bernie.
- The lovely Meredith Baxter.
- And the equally
lovely David Birney.
- Ah-Hooo! (triumphant horns)
(audience applauds)
- David how are you?
- Dave.
- Hello Meredith - Dave.
- Hello.
- Shake my hand
- I'm so happy to meet you.
- It's a pleasure.
- It's just great to have
you both on the show.
We're just delighted.
- Thank you, we are too.
- It's, it's great to be here.
- Thank you.
- Well.
- You know before we
get on with the show
we've got a (chuckles)
little present for you.
- Oh really?
- Yup.
Little present.
- And it wasn't easy
finding something
that Jews and
Catholics can both enjoy.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah you know you
gotta have something
that both, most Jews and
Catholics don't have you know.
- That's right.
- I can hardly wait.
- Well, what is it?
- What is it?
- Well.
- You're very own Protestant.
(everyone laughs)
Bring him out, there you are.
- Now be nice to them they're
becoming a minority group.
- Gee, I don't think
we have one of these
on the show, do we Meredith?
- No, say what do you guys eat?
- Peanut butter and jelly.
Raisins.
- What do you do
the rest of the week?
(audience applauds)
- (Chuckles) Hi.
Last night Dick Martin
of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, asked me if
I'd like to go someplace
where they had real soft music
and the lights were low
and it wasn't crowded.
Did you ever spend an
evening at a mortuary?
(audience laughs)
Boooring! (laughs)
Remember that?
- Hey, how's the food here?
- Uh, not bad once
you get used to it.
Here.
You can finish my lunch.
(audience laughs)
- I don't like chocolate.
- Try the tongue, it's great.
(audience laughs)
- May I have your
hand in marriage?
- Yes, but I promised
the good stuff to Harold.
(audience laughs)
- (Chuckles) Waited five years
I finally got a new toupee
just for tonight's show.
You love it, yes or no?
(audience laughs) Can you tell?
Well I'll tell you one thing
I just had this one
made in Japan.
Found a sniper in it this
morning. (laughs loudly)
(audience laughs)
- How do you do?
- Well good morning.
- Uh listen, my
little sports car
just got pinned between a
bus and a big cement mixer.
Yeah and then a truck
ran into it and a fire
engine ran over it
and just smashed it to bits.
Do you think you can fix it?
- Well certainly I can
now where is your car?
- Oh, it's right here.
(metal crashes loudly)
(audience laughs)
- They don't make
them like they used to.
(lady and audience laughs)
But then again neither do I.
(audience laughs loudly)
- I could tell right away that
your parents were Jewish.
- Mmhm, how?
- They spoke with
a pickled tongue.
- Ooohh! (audience laughs)
- We were so poor
when I was a kid
that whenever my father
would wake up in a bad mood
we say he got up on the
wrong side of the floor.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me. (smacks counter)
- Yes.
- I would like to
return this deck
of disappearing
cards, they don't work.
- What deck of
disappearing cards?
- Uh, they were
here a minute ago.
(audience laughs)
Uh, oh here they are.
(cards flip and smack)
(audience laughs)
- That's the way it is.
The congregation will now rise.
(ascending low sliding whistles)
(audience laughs)
Hey you all come back down here!
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me I've come to
see the doctor about a nose job.
- Oh the doctor
will see you in there.
- Oh, fine thank you.
(wood cracks)
(audience laughs)
Uh, thank you, how much
do I owe you, Doctor?
(audience laughs)
- You're a bum!
You never take me out anymore.
Now tomorrow night
you're taking me out with you
we're gonna have
the same kind of fun
that you have without me!
- (Snaps fingers)
That's, that's,
that's a good idea.
We'll go out, pick up a
couple of broads and get drunk.
- Oh, no we won't!
(glass crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Cigars, cigarettes?
Cigars, cigarettes?
(audience laughs)
Hi. (giggles)
- Hi.
- Who's the broad?
(audience laughs)
- The broad?
Don't you recognize her?!
You've seen her on Broadway!
- Oooh, my goodness yes I
have seen her on Broadway.
I've also seen her
on 43rd Street, 56th.
(audience laughs)
And sneaking out of a
cheap alley in the Bronx.
(audience laughs)
What's happening, big boy?
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank
it's time for Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan.
(audience applauds)
And Dick Martin!
With guest stars Meredith
Baxter and David Birney!
With cameo
appearances by Rip Taylor,
Slappy White, Jo Anne Worley.
Plus Ruth Buzzi, Richard Dawson,
Patty Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willy
Tyler and Lester.
And me, Gary Owen.
Reminding you
that before you eat
a Baby Ruth candy bar,
be sure that you burp it.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
Take Sominex tonight
And sleep, sleep, sleeep.
- Will you stop that singing?!
I'm trying to get
to sleep! (yawns)
(audience laughs)
(bouncy, xylophone music)
- Well I know one thing
I crossed a telephone
with a rabbit and you
know what I got? (laughs)
A bell hop! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Can't you hear me?!
(audience laughs)
Isn't it awfully warm in here?
I don't understand this.
Sometimes it just gets
so hot. (audience laughs)
It just gets awfully warm!
(audience applauds)
It's warm, I gave at the office!
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and Gentleman
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat big band music)
- Thank you, oh
you're very nice.
- Oh golly! (chuckles)
- Good evening
ladies and gentleman...
- Boy they keep
coming back don't they?
- Yeah, it's a good
group, good group.
- That's a good group.
- As I was beginning to say
tonight there is...
- I bet you can't
guess what I am.
(Dan laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Boy you really give
me some openings
I'll tell you that!
(everyone laughs)
Well, sir!
- Uh-ha.
- In response to your query
I believe that it's a...
- I don't recall
bringing that up.
(audience laughs)
- I believe that it is
quite obvious what you are.
- Oh?
- You are obviously a
hairdresser for a giraffe.
- No, but I'll give you
one more chance.
What would a man like myself
do with animals?
(chuckles) (audience laughs)
- I don't believe
I'm allowed to say.
(everyone laughs)
- I'm surprised at
you (drowned out)
never let me forget it.
- Well all right.
- Now!
- You're gonna tell
us what you're up to.
What's this all about?
- I am going to tell you.
I happen to be, I happen
to be the volunteer,
I have just volunteered
to help refill the Burbank Zoo.
(light laughter)
- What do you mean refill
the Burbank Zoo?
Are they all out of animals?
- Yes since the chicken died.
(audience laughs)
- No, chicken jokes!
- Since the... (laughs)
- Yes.
Chicken passed away.
- What was wrong with it?
- Nothing the white
meat was delicious.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, I mean what...
All right, where are you going,
where are you going to
look for all these animals?
- Well!
- Not quite sure.
- He said.
- Tomorrow I leave for the
heart of the African Jungle.
- Kenya?
- Kenyi?
(everyone laughs)
Of course I can!
- Of course I can.
- Soon as I get my bags
packed I'm on my way!
- What are you
gonna be hunting for?
- Mostly underwear, I'm
always short of underwear.
(audience laughs)
- In the jungle.
Now what are you gonna?
For example how would you
catch the awful screaming hyenas?
(Dick snorts and
laughs manically)
- You talk about openings!
(everyone laughs)
- Catch by...
- Probably by getting bitten
- No that's the...
By the Tsetse fly.
How would you huntions?
Not with something like that.
- Oh no, obviously not.
- How would you, how would you?
- Well the last time I
was out hunting lions,
I went stalking in
the dead of night
armed only with a
flashlight and a hacksaw.
- Flashlight and a hacksaw.
- That's true.
- Never hear of anyone
catching lions like that.
- Then you've never
heard of anyone
breaking into the San Diego Zoo.
- I see. (audience laughs)
- Around Noon.
- You know.
- You know if you really
know about animals
you're probably aware
of a great public myth,
a misconception about animals.
Many people think for
instance that the lion
is the king of the
jungle and it's not at all.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, no, no, no it's not.
- It's the elephant.
(audience laughs)
- The ephelant?
- The ephelant, yes.
How would you go about?
How would you attempt
to bag an elephant?
- Well simple.
First I'd put the feet in
then I'd try to pull
the bag - No, no, no.
- over its head.
(audience laughs)
- That's not the way
to bag an elephant.
When I say...
- Well if you say so.
Okay Lou, let him out the bag!
(audience laughs)
- Would you like to
see a topless dancer?
- Yeah!
(fabric rips)
- Great!
(audience laughs)
(feet clomping)
- Who says they all got rhythm?
(audience laughs)
- A couple of big stars.
- Ah!
- Ah-Ha, (claps hands)
Universal certainly slipped up
when they let you two
go! (audience laughs)
I have a proposition for you.
- Oh?
- How would you,
merely for the sum of $10,
like to make money
without working?
- $10?
- $10 will do it sir!
- Here's you're $10 how do I
make money without working?
- Who you fooling
this is a five, sir?
- Oh, excuse me!
- I'll do it for five!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, no, no I understand!
- Here's $20 I'll go $25.
- You'll do it twice, right.
- Yes.
- See the guy
standing next to you?
- Yeah.
- The way to make
money without working.
- Yeah.
- Tell him exactly
what I told you
only charge him double for it!
(audience laughs)
Don't listen to him.
- Ssshhh!
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I have Patty!
- Oh thank you.
- Oh.
- Ah, ah, listen!
- What?
- It's time for me to
do one of my sneezes.
- One of your famous sneezes?
- One, one of those.
- Gesundheit.
- Not yet.
- Not yet, no.
- At this point I will do
a jackhammer sneezing.
- A jackhammer sneezing.
- A jackhammer sneezing.
- That is correct.
- Okay
(Patty sighs)
- Ah choo.
Ah choo.
Ah cha, cha, cha.
(audience laughs)
Aahhh chaaazaaa!
(audience laughs)
- I want you to take
your time and tell me.
Guess which egg
has not been cooked?
Careful.
- Uh-oh.
One of them's been cooked
one of them hasn't.
- Right.
- Let's see I'll pick,
this one!
- Ooohhh!
Congratulations! (egg cracks)
(audience laughs)
Gee that's really good!
- I just spent $100,000 to
have my basement remodeled.
Come here. (crying)
Now it's on the best seller
list! (cries hysterically)
I'll be right back.
(audience laughs)
- Well Jake you're getting
out on parole tomorrow
and you really
deserve the break.
- Ah.
- You're the best liked
con in the whole joint.
- Well I tell you it
pays off, you know.
Warden even told me when I leave
they're gonna retire my number.
(audience laughs)
- Honey.
After a year of
marriage I still love you,
I still desire you,
I still want you!
- I know, I know.
(audience laughs)
(boing noise)
- When I was a
young kid in Harlem
we used to do like
the college kids.
And we would stuff a
lot of us in a phone booth,
but the difference
was we slept there.
(audience laughs)
- I think the Chinese should
have been the chosen people.
- Why do you say that?
- Because with eight
million you get egg roll.
(nun and audience laughs)
- I love to play tennis
with little children.
They're so easy
to lob over the net.
(audience laughs)
Hit them with my forehand I did.
(audience laughs)
- I tell you Eunice
I am going crazy
now that my husband's retired.
Yeah, he stays around
the house all day long.
He's always underfoot.
(audience laughs)
I'll talk to you later, Eunice.
(phone clunks)
(woman yawns)
(phone ringing)
(audience laughs)
Hello?
No, no later!
Okay. (phone clunks)
(phone rings)
- [Husband] Cut it out!
- It's for you.
(audience laughs)
- And to my attorney
who has always given me
sound financial advice I
leave my entire fortune, $1.97.
(audience laughs)
(metal clinks)
(upbeat horn music)
- What are you making?
- It's a Greek urn.
- What's a Greek urn?
- Oh about $1.35 an hour.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear about
the Siamese twin
who caught his wife
with another man?
He was beside himself.
(audience laughs)
- If you think all black
people have rhythm
you should see
Moms Mabley Mambo.
(audience laughs)
- Cigars, cigarettes!
- I'll have some cigarettes.
- Certainly sir.
And does the old
broad want anything?
(audience laughs)
- Don't you know that
lady is an actress?!
- Yeah?
Well if she's got you
believing she's a lady
she's a terrific actress!
(audience laughs)
- Whooo!
- And now a special
word about Spinach.
Blech! (audience laughs)
(feet rapidly tapping)
- Oh, oh!
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles!
Granddaddy just
made me little colonel
in the Confederate Army!
- Well he just made
me wash the windows.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
The Civil War is such fun!
With all the marching,
(stomps feet)
and the riding (stomps feet)
and the fighting
and the shooting.
And of course, the dancing!
(rapid tap dancing steps)
(audience laughs)
(man claps hands)
- You know something, momma?
I don't think you're
wrapped too tight.
(audience laughs)
- Ooohhh!
Well just think!
If the North wins,
you'd be able to leave
this 30 room plantation
and go back to your one
room ghetto apartment!
(audience laughs)
- What else you got?
- Well, (audience laughs)
you could do what
my brother did.
He took off the
day the war started!
- You mean to
Richmond to join up?
- No to Montreal to hide out!
(audience laughs)
(rapid feet tapping)
- I just don't know what to do!
- Oh, I've got an idea.
- What?
- Why don't we go into show biz?
And we could sing and dance.
- Yeah but what song
would we open with?
- Well, if the North
wins I could pick
Give My Regards to Broadway!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah and if the South wins,
I'll Pick Them Old
Cotton Fields Back Home.
(audience laughs)
(feet tapping)
(audience applauds)
- I hope you enjoyed that.
The cast was, of course,
Shirley Temple Black.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine told me
about a new massage parlor.
It' s located in
an old lighthouse.
It's for people who
want to fool around.
And around, and
around. (audience laughs)
- Hey, is this a
very rough place?
- Well I'll give you an example
yesterday they had a riot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They refused to go to work,
set fire to the
mattresses (chuckles)
threw rocks and
bottles, several fist fights.
- No kidding.
What about the guards?
- That was the guards!
(audience laughs)
- When I was a kid our parents
didn't give us any allowance.
We had to mug them for it.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley will you marry me?
- No, Harry, I don't
think you're too sincere.
- Yes I am!
(audience laughs)
- A viewer in St. Louis writes,
"Is a heart transplant possible
"on a fat, 57 year old woman?"
Probably, but
doctors say it would
be better to do it on an
operating table instead.
(audience laughs)
(door clunks)
(slide whistles whines)
(amusing horn music)
- Ha!
You've got lipstick
on your collar!
- Oh no that's not
lipstick, that's blood.
- Oh, oh sweetheart I'm sorry.
Did you cut yourself?
- No the broad I
was out with bite me.
- Oh! (audience laughs)
(glass smashes)
- I've closed bigger
towns than this.
But it's finally wonderful
appearing on Laugh-In. (chuckles)
I needed a good cry! (cries)
(audience laughs)
- I'm all for bringing young
people into our church.
- Yes, but I think
Father O'Rourke
went a little too
far last Sunday
when at collection time
he passed the Frisbee.
(everyone laughs)
(upbeat cultural
flutes and horns)
(finger cymbals clacking)
Turning, turning,
turning, turning
Turning all around.
Whirling, whirling,
whirling, whirling,
Whirling on the ground.
What's the news
across the nation?
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
We have got the information.
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
In a way that keeps us grinning.
Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
Whirling, whirling,
swirling, spinning,
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
We will give you all the turning
Also give you all of our neeews!
La, la, de, da!
Ladies and gentleman,
Laugh-In looks at the
one, two, three, four,
Turning, turning,
turning, turning,
Turning double quick.
Turning, turning,
turning, turning,
Here is Dan and Dick!
Oye.
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Now
for the Laugh-In news
which Charlie T McBrown,
Dr. Livingston found,
Alan King crowned and
Mr. Blackwell gowned!
(audience laughs)
And here's Dan
and Dick with news.
- First these news headlines.
- Galloping Gourmet,
- [Dan] Gourmets.
- gourmets. (audience laughs)
The Galloping
Gourmet's son starts,
that's a funny name
for a kid, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
The Galloping
Gourmet's son starts,
oh I see, starts
first day of school,
brings teacher apple souffle.
(audience laughs)
- About that, chiropractor's
baseball game held today,
president throws out first back.
(audience laughs)
- Gloria Steinman gets married
and carries husband
over threshold.
(audience laughs)
- And now, because
we can't prevent it,
here's Dick with
the present news.
- Dateline Butte Mont.
- [Dan] Butte, Montana.
(everyone laughs)
- Dateline, whatever you said.
(audience laughs)
Mrs. RK Kramer whose
husband went to the corner
for a loaf of bread 20 years
ago and never returned
announced today that she
finally decided to give him up.
Mrs. Kramer said, "Well,
Mr. Kramer was 50 years old
"when he left, so
even if he is alive
"I figure both (laughs)
(audience laughs)
"both him and the bread got
pretty stale by now." (laughs)
(everyone laughs)
- You like that one?
- That's a good one.
- I hadn't seen that one before.
- You never read
these before do you?
- No I never do read them.
- [Dan] I'm surprised
you recognize me.
- Dateline Holliwood.
- [Dan] Hollywood.
- Hollywood.
On television's first
nearly accomplish today.
Wait a minute (laughs)
(audience laughs)
let's try that one.
A television first was
nearly accomplished today
when a young man and woman met
the morning on The Dating Game,
married and appeared
in the afternoon
on the Newlywed Game
and then died of exhaustion
in the early morning attempt...
- Early evening attempt.
- To qualify.
Evening attempt to qualify
for The Parent Game.
(everyone laughs)
I bet that's even funnier
when you run it all together.
- Oh, yeah, I bet it is!
(audience laughs)
- And here's Dan
with the future news.
- Here's the future
three years from now.
Just simmer down. (Dick snorts)
Due to the selling
of every last bit
of wheat to Russia
Americans are now
paying incredible prices
for smuggled bread.
And it has now become
the new status symbol
for the wealthy.
It is further reported
that Richard Burton
has just gifted Elizabeth Taylor
with a $200,000
pumpernickel necklace.
(audience laughs)
I didn't ask you to grade them.
(audience laughs)
Here's the future
20 years from now.
Today Florence Chadwick,
Jr. became the first woman
to beat her mother's time for
swimming the English Channel.
When asked how she
managed to do it she said,
"I didn't swim any
faster than mom,
"but with pollution
as bad as it is
"I was able to run
the last four miles."
(audience laughs)
- Hey it's Heavy Helen
with the far out freaky news.
Disney Land has just
opened a new section
that they call Hippie Land.
The main attraction is a ride
that takes you waaay hiiigh up
(audience laughs)
and never comes down.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah man, and now with
the news of the underworld
here's our own
godmother, Alice Capone.
- This is Alice Capone here.
(foot stomps)
From the Syndicate News!
(gavel clunks)
(audience laughs)
You gangsters will
all be pleased to know
that Detroit has
come out with a car
especially designed
for the family.
A 13 passenger sedan.
(audience laughs)
It holds three in the front,
three in the back
and seven in the trunk.
(audience laughs)
- Here with tonight's
Hollywood item
nationally known columnist,
our own Miss Rona Barrett.
- Rona Barrett here and I
have sad news from Tinseltown.
My reliable sources
have confirmed that
Totie Fields has
separated. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Here's the minority
news with Willie and Lester.
- Welcome to the
Minority Report with me
I'm Willie Tyler your reporter
with an eye out for the news.
- And I'm Lester.
Your reporter with
an eye for the ladies.
(audience laughs)
- And now for the news.
It was announced today
that the Supreme Court
had handed down another
decision on bussing.
- Hey man.
- What's the matter?
- When I was small, man,
you know they bussed us
75 miles to school?
- Well was it a black
school or white school?
- We never found out, man.
By the time they got
there it was too dark to see.
(audience laughs)
- Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Here's Jud Strunk
with the sports news
from the sports capital of
the world, Farmington, Maine.
- (thunks table) Hi there!
It's Jud Strunk your
sports commentator
broadcasting from up
here in Farmington, Maine,
sports capitol of the world.
This week we got
a dandy for you.
It's called the board bounce.
(audience laughs)
Now, for the past 20
minutes Emma Cornfield's
been standing on her
feet holding her breath
in the bottom of that pool
waiting to shove off
She's got a set of lungs on her.
(audience laughs)
She's gonna push off,
come up out of there,
do two flips, land on that
board on her tippy toes
and back off if she can.
When I blow this whistle.
You think she can do it?
Let's try it.
(whistle bleats)
(water splashes)
Here come's Emma!
There she goes!
(audience laughs)
Up around the
board and backing off!
(audience laughs)
You believe she did that?
Boys at the range can tell you
she can do it all night long.
- Now the Irish news.
- W-With our (laughs)
(everyone laughs) There you are
you clever devil.
With our Hiberian friends...
- Hibernian.
- Whatever they are.
(audience laughs)
Pat and Mike, whoops I got you!
(upbeat penny whistle music)
- Do, dit, dit, do, dit, dit.
- Well the top
o'morning to you, Mike.
- Well the rest of the
afternoon to you there Patrick.
- Would you hold the dancing?
It gets my heart a pumping.
- I can't stop.
- Well Terrance
O'Shaunesy was arrested.
- O'Shaaaunesy.
- O'Shaunesy was
arrested last night
after a busy day.
- Hmm.
- Refused to pay for his
coffee at the cafe, you know.
- Ha!
- Yeah, stole and apple
from Riley's push cart
and fell asleep on a park bench.
- Well what did they
charge him with?
- Impersonating an officer.
(audience laughs)
- Your attention please.
Will the individual
who is responsible
for the placement of
the whoopee cushion
prior to the completion of
the Robert Frost reading
please contact the
entertainment chairman
after the meeting, thank you.
(audience laughs)
Da, dee, dum.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the,
Oh, neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
- Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
(audience applauds)
- One of my ex partner's
are now writing for Laugh-In.
Me, I stayed in show business.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me I'd like to
see a pair of shoes for $10.
Certainly, coming right up.
There you are, a pair of shoes.
Now, that'll be $10 please.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a pair of socks for $1?
- Uh, listen I didn't come
here to be insulted, you know.
- Why where do you usually go?
(audience laughs)
- Well I never. (snare
and cymbals beat)
- I wore a bikini at the beach
and a guy said I was a
natural for Playboy Magazine
because my body
already had the folds in it.
(audience laughs)
In the wrong places.
(audience laughs)
- A viewer in South
Dakota would like to know,
"Are carrots good for vision?"
Well actually doctors
say that glasses are better.
(audience laughs)
(fast-paced, amusing
big band music)
(bell dings)
- Candy, cigars,
cigarettes.
- Could I have some
cigarettes for my wife?
- Sure and how about a cigar
for the broad
you're with! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Want to buy a bunny? (giggles)
Kiss it, Alan would love it!
Kiss it! (audience laughs)
$500 big sport! (Dick laughs)
Get rid of the cheap guy.
(audience laughs)
Cigars!
- Friend of mine was going bald
so I said, "Why don't
you get a transplant?"
So when I saw him again
about six months later
he had a heart on
his head. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Didn't you ever wanna get away
from all these rotten,
sleazy, cut throat criminals
and go back home
where it's peaceful?
- Not me, I'm from
New York City.
(audience laughs)
- Ah-Oh, you're
better off here then.
(audience laughs)
- What's all this talk today
about equal opportunity?
Do you know they still
wanted a black man
in the YWCA?
(audience laughs)
- Before you met
me did you prefer
Jewish girls or gentile girls?
- Well it really didn't
make any difference.
It was shecks of one,
half dozen of the other.
(audience laughs)
- So I said to the bishop,
"Times must be getting better.
"I just looked in the poor box
"and there's nobody in it."
(audience laughs)
- You got all that now.
- Mmhm.
- All right if you'll
just sign right here
you will be insured
for one million dollars.
- One million!
- Yeah.
- Oh, ho, ho, boy that,
that's a good one isn't it?
(light amusing whirly music)
- I did it, I did it!
I just sold my biggest policy!
- Ah! (audience laughs)
(descending slide whistles)
(paper rips)
(audience laughs)
- Good.
I understand
you're thinking about
getting a liquor license.
- That's right I
figure after eating
in this place you need a drink.
(audience laughs)
And after looking at
you, you need two drinks.
(audience laughs)
- This is the Coast Guard.
What is your problem?
- [Radio Voice] My boat has
been swallowed by a whale!
And I'm inside it
now, what should I do?
- Make notes if you
ever get out of there alive
you got a best seller.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Would you lay out
the president's things
for the day please.
- Certainly, what's on
the agenda madam?
- Well, at nine
o'clock he's meeting
with the mayor of Dublin.
- Ah, the mayor of Dublin then?
- Yes, absolutely.
- He will certainly need
his green coat.
- Correct. (audience laughs)
And then at 10...
- 10 o'clock, yes.
- He's meeting with the
Russian ambassador.
- Ah, he'll need his red tie.
- I don't doubt it.
- I have it right here, madam.
Lovely red.
- Oh, good, good.
And at 11, - 11 o'clock.
- he will be playing golf
with Vice President Agnew.
- Vice President Agnew, hey?
- Uh-huh.
- Well then he'll
certainly need these.
(audience laughs)
- All right now we're
gonna have to decide
which one of us is gonna
run out of food and water.
So far it looks like me.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me sir,
but it's time to leave
for your luncheon engagement.
- Thank you Miss Jones.
- You're welcome.
(grinding motor)
(upbeat fun music)
(motor roars)
(audience applauds)
- Hello, I'm Gary
Owens with a word
on how to get your
$100 bill in the mail.
Here's all you...
(audience laughs)
(amusing music)
(boing noise)
(Meredith laughs)
- What was that for? (laughs)
- Don't you know?
You always hit at
the one you love.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, the Indians got
me, the Indians got me!
- Was it a surprise attack?
- You bet, I was in the
bus terminal at the time.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- I'm the only dark
Farkel in the family.
I guess when I get old enough
they'll tell me all about the
black birds and the bees.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, young man!
I think I've broken by foot.
Get me to the hospital
quickly and step on it!
- Okay.
(foot crashes)
(audience laughs)
- I don't understand.
Highway 101 was
running right through here
and this morning it disappeared
from the face of the earth.
- This is highway robbery!
(audience laughs)
(ominous music)
- Take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, thank you.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Ssh!
- I'm glad you stopped
I was getting nauseous.
What time does the opera start?
- Ssh!
- You should get
your lips vulcanized
you're losing air.
- Quiet this is a lovely score.
- Score, I didn't even
know they kicked off yet.
(audience laughs)
- Ssh, ssh!
This is the overture.
- Speaking of overtures,
why don't we don't
go over to your house
after the game.
(audience laughs)
- I beg your pardon!
This isn't your seat.
- Well I must have put the
pants on the wrong man.
- Oh! (audience laughs)
- Why are all those people
yelling all over the stage?
- Carmen, don't you know Carmen?
- Why certainly I know Carmen
I had to shoot her dog.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
Was the dog mad?
- Well he wasn't
exactly pleased.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- Jimmy Carmen of
Madrid, of course I know him.
- No, no, not that Carmen.
The musical Carmen.
- Oh the musical Carmen.
She'll be coming
around the mountain
When she comes.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
You're obviously no opera buff.
- On the contrary my dear woman,
I'll come over to your house
and sing opera in
the buff anytime.
(audience laughs)
- I am not going to
sit here and take this!
- Okay, then take
this (wood clunks)
and sit over there.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
Good heavens, I've had it!
(wood clunks)
I'm leaving, oh!
(descending sliding whistles)
- You're not just saying that?
(audience laughs)
Very nice talking
to you, feel free
to drop in anytime.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- I don't understand
what's coming,
but I'll tell you this show's
really a laugh a minute
and that minute should
be coming up pretty soon.
(audience laughs)
Now I get it, 'cause I see the,
and the other was.
(audience laughs)
- [Husband] Oh wonderful.
(door clunks)
- I know where you've been.
You've been out
with another woman!
- Oh no, you're
absolutely wrong,
Layla honeybuckets.
(smacks hand)
I've been out with
four other women.
And I'm exhausted.
(audience laughs)
(glass smashes)
- You've been here a long time,
I understand they
keep you completely
out of touch with
the outside world
is that right?
- Oh that's not true at
all they couldn't do it.
For one thing President
Roosevelt wouldn't allow it.
(audience laughs)
- I went to a double
feature to see the rat movie,
Willard and Ben.
And it wasn't
until then I realized
that I spent my entire
childhood with movie stars.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley.
Will you marry me?
- Well, you'll have to
ask my mother first.
- I already did and
she turned me down.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine
likes to play tricks
with me on my toupee. (laughs)
Yesterday I walked into a room
and he sneaked up behind me
and pulled the rug out
from over me! (laughs)
(whirly whistling noise)
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear about
poor Father Flanagan?
- While he was
preaching in Central Park
a horse fell on him.
- Oh well that's the first time
I've ever heard of a
mount on the sermon!
(bell gongs)
(audience laughs)
- Your attention please.
Will the woman who left
the 800 pound male gorilla
in the powder room
at the Norberg Theater
kindly come remove it, so
that others may take their turn.
(audience laughs)
- There have been a lot of
accidents in the home lately
and so we're going to give
you about 12 safety hints.
Things not to do
while you're at home.
One of the first things
that you should never do...
(audience laughs)
while you're home,
is get associated with
anything like this, for instance.
- Anchors away!
- What anchors away?
- Well anchors away
about a two ton a pizza!
(audience laughs)
That's a little Italian joke!
- What possible
reason could you have
for wearing that outfit?
- Well there could be several.
- I suppose so.
- I could be Jacques
Cousteau's butler.
- Well, you're not.
(audience laughs)
- Well you seem awfully
certain of yourself.
- I happen to know Jacques
Cousteau's butler,
you're not he.
- Okay I'll admit to that.
- What else?
- I'll fess up!
- What other reason?
- I could be,
I could be the best man
at a walrus' wedding.
- Ah, I can believe that.
- I could believe that.
(audience laughs)
Ha, I could be the first man
to go over Niagra
Falls in a shopping cart.
- Oh, come on. (audience laughs)
- Ha?
You wanna hear more?
- I didn't even wanna hear that!
- Oh, well then I might
as well tell you the truth.
I'm going whaling.
- Going whaling, you're
going out after some big ones.
- Yes, that too.
But first I gotta
go on a fishing trip.
(everyone laughs)
- I suppose that
you're going after
the great white
whale, Moby Dick.
- No I'm going after the
great pink whale, Moby Percy.
(audience laughs)
- Where did you ever
hear of a pink whale?
- My decorator told me about it.
(audience laughs)
You know the only
way to catch him?
- I don't want to know.
- Is to troll with a purse.
- Oh, come on.
- Although a little sequined
evening clutch bag works best.
- Where are you going to,
where you gonna
find a pink whale?
- Well I'll recognize
him immediately.
- You will?
- He's the only one who
swims with one flipper on his hip.
(everyone laughs)
Then he comes up
next to the boat and says,
"Hi whaler, new in town?"
- New in town, ah yes.
(audience laughs)
- My decorator
told me that, too.
- As he kicking
him out I suppose.
Listen you don't know
anything about whaling.
- Oh yeah well I went out in the
whale fields just yesterday.
- You did?
- And I saw a whole bunch of...
- No, no.
- Of a group?
- No.
- A litter?
- No, a herd of whales.
- I've heard of whales
(audience laughs)
they're the big things
with the flipper on the side.
- Listen, do you know
anything at all about whales?
You could go right
out of Santa Monica
because the gray
whales are migrating.
As a matter of fact the whales
are one of the few animals
that practice oceanic migration.
- Well good, that's the only way
to get good at
anything, just practice.
- No, no. (audience laughs)
Have you ever seen a whale?
- Oh, have I, I've had an
experience you'll never forget.
- I would a wagered.
- Never forget?
- What happened?
- Whoops! (laughs) (Dan laughs)
Well, I forgot.
(Dan and audience laughs)
No, I remember now. (laughs)
I remember now.
There I was, - There you was.
- racing headlong into the wind,
danger all around me.
- [Dan] That's the wind.
(blows whistling air)
- Oh thank you.
- Yeah, all right.
- And then it happened.
(audience laughs)
I hit the seas.
- You hit the seas.
- The white caps were
breaking over the bow.
- The bow, yes.
- That's the
front part, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, the white caps
were breaking over the bow.
The pounding surf was
caught in my forecastle.
(audience laughs)
There it was.
And then I landed
on my poop deck.
- Oh dear!
- That's worse
than my forecastle.
(audience laughs)
- That smarts.
- Yeah. (Dan laughs)
And then I turned port,
and then I turned starboard
and then I turned green!
- I don't want to know.
(audience laughs)
- That's from drinking the port.
- What happened...
(everyone laughs)
- Then I spied a...
- Oh, there's more?
- Oh yes!
Then I spied a giant
whale coming toward me.
And I gave the
traditional whaler's call.
- There she blows!
- No, feet do your duty!
(everyone laughs)
- Look, did you get him?
- I almost had him.
- What do you mean?
- I almost had him
and one thing happened
to spoil the whole thing.
- What spoiled it?
- The worm fell
off my harpoon.
(audience laughs)
- The worm fell off your
harpoon a long time ago.
- Be that as it may.
(audience applauds)
- Excuse me.
Just hold it down
there for a minute.
It's time for our
salute to air travel.
- Oh, good.
- Yes.
- Oh good!
- Yes.
And what better way
than to have Jud Strunk
sing his new hit, A Daisy a Day.
- What?
Jud Strunk sings?
- Does he ever didn't you know
the astronauts on
the last moon trip
took a recording of Jud
singing his own song
Daisy a Day, to the moon.
Took it to the moon with them.
Now that's air travel
- Why it certainly is.
- Glad you agree, here's Jud.
(easy, happy and
flowing banjo music)
He remembers the
first time he met her
He remembers the
first thing she said
He remembers the
first time he held her
And the night that
she came to his bed
He remembers her
sweet way of saying
Honey has something gone wrong
He remembers the
fun and the teasing
And the reason the reason
he wrote her this song
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love until the
rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away
They would walk down
the street in the evening
And for years I
would see them go by
And their love that was more
Than the clothes that they wore
Could be seen in
the gleam of their eye
As a kid they would
take me for candy
And I loved to go tagging along
We'd hold hands while
we walked to the corner
And the old man
would sing her his song
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until
the rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away.
Now he walks down
the street in the evening
And he stops by
the old candy store
And I somehow
believe he's believing
He's holding her
hand like before
For he feels all her
love walking with him
And he smiles at the
things she might say
Then the old man
walks up to the hill top
And gives her a daisy a day
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until
the rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away
(audience applauds and whistles)
- Oh it was murder
at the airport today.
I landed forty planes an hour.
- Oh I don't want to
hear about your job!
Just because you're a
airport traffic controller
that's all you talk about
now let's go to bed!
- All right, there's
no need to shout.
- Oh!
- All right!
Now come on.
Steady. (audience laughs)
Easy, easy now, right rutter.
Right rutter!
Bring your flaps down!
- My flaps are down.
- Well put them back up again.
(bed crashes)
- Did you know
that Burbank Airlines
has a fleet of jumbo
jets that accommodate
250 passengers and
only two bathrooms?
- Yeah I know.
They have air disasters
you don't even hear about.
(plane roars) (audience laughs)
- Oh, captain?
Are we landing
at our destination?
- Now we're just
stopping to refuel.
- Oh where?
- At a small gas
station near Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
Probably the first
sketch you've ever been
where you heard the comic say
he didn't have enough
gas to get to Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
- Planes are getting
faster all the time.
Do you realize
that with today's jets
you can have breakfast
right here in Burbank
and then be in New York in time
for the first cramps to hit.
(audience laughs)
- We'd like to go
to India, please.
- I see.
I am most humbly
apologetic to your nose,
but you can not go there.
- Why can't we go to India?
- Because it is poor.
(audience laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- Oh the president's
plane Air Force One's
going to be delayed
another three hours.
- Well is it anything serious?
- No the president simply
wanted to see Patton again.
(plane engine roars)
(plate clinks)
(audience laughs)
- You better finish
getting dressed dear
you never to the
airport on time.
- I told you I'm not
going on any airplane
I'm afraid of flying!
- Come on now,
you're just being silly.
You'll just do fine now have
a nice flight sweetheart.
(audience laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- I traveled on an
airline the other day
that was so expensive when
we got to the end of the runway
they charged us taxi fare.
(audience laughs)
Oh! (laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- Burbank Airlines Flight 10.
Right.
I will report your situation.
Chief you know that
flight with Sophia Loren,
Raquel Welch and
Gina Lollobrigida?
- Yeah.
- They're stacked
up over Boston.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, bye, bye.
May I help you?
- Yes I'd like to buy a ticket
to the moon for tomorrow.
- Fine.
But would you like to
get 50% off your fare?
- I sure would, what
do I have to do?
- Go next week there'll
only be half a moon.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Poor Mickey Rooney,
you know he took
an airplane trip and
nearly chocked to death
when he fastens his seat belt.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Good day.
(door clunks)
- Good evening.
And welcome aboard your home.
- (sighs) Why did I
marry a stewardess?
(audience laughs)
- Right this way sir.
All hand luggage must
go under the seat. (laughs)
(man laughs)
Oh and I'm afraid
you're going to have
to be in a upright
position for take off.
- But I... (springs boing)
- There. (audience laughs)
- Okay, okay.
- Ah-ha.
(bell dings)
Ah, uh, uh, uh,
don't you see the no
smoking sign up there?
And you must keep
your seat belt fastened
until the sign goes off.
- Oh now stop this is absurd.
I'm not gonna keep
my seat belt fastened.
- Oh well then I'll just
have to do it for you.
- But there's no need-
(belt crinks)
- There you go.
(audience laughs)
Good evening and welcome
to 3542 Pennington Street.
(audience laughs)
This is your wife,
Mrs. Harris speaking.
Dinner will be
ready in 20 minutes.
- I can hardly wait.
- In the meantime
cocktails will be served.
Would you like a martini?
- I'd love a martini.
- Good!
Here we go. (table scrapes)
(audience laughs)
That's be $1 dollar, please.
- Oh now stop this!
I'm not gonna pay you a buck
for a drink in my own home!
- Oh well then I'll
have to take it back.
(audience laughs)
- I've had it, I'm bailing out!
Geronimooo!
(descending sliding whistle)
- Ah could I interest
you in a Harper's Bazaar
or a Vogue...
(plane engine roars)
(stoic, marching horns music)
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) It's time once again
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And who gets the
atrocious appendage
of animosity tonight?
- Yeah, well.
- Isn't that rather good?
- That was pretty close, too.
- Thank you.
- A policeman in Maryland
who had a seemingly
abandoned car towed
away, crushed into
a small block of scrap metal.
- What kind of car was it?
- A 1951 Desoto.
(audience laughs)
- Oh in that case it probably
is much better looking now.
- That is not the point, sir.
- That's right,
the point is the car
should never have
been abandoned.
- That's the point.
- Ah-ha.
- It wasn't.
- It wasn't?
- No sir, the car was parked
in a private parking lot.
Had up to date license plates,
brand new set of tires
and now it's nothing
but a block of metal
the size of a suitcase.
(audience laughs)
- I can just see the owner's
kid coming out and saying,
"Dad, can I borrow
the suitcase tonight?"
(audience laughs)
At least it'll be easier
to park! (laughs)
- Ah, come on now.
- You can't find
anyplace to put a ticket on
there's no windshield left!
(audience laughs)
- All right.
Anyway the car was not abandoned
and the policeman was mistaken.
Which he has admitted.
- Well then, for having
an unabandoned car
illegally destroyed,
- That's right.
- we are sending our
Fickle Finger of Fate
to the policeman who's
name has been withheld,
- That's true.
From the article to protect the
nearest of kin from
embarrassment.
(audience laughs)
- It would embarrass them.
- It would have.
- Right.
- All right, there it is.
- Well what's that?
- That's the Fickle
Finger of Fate.
We had it crushed
for you, officer.
(audience laughs)
We've got a great idea
where you can park it.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- It's me again! (laughs)
Would you like
your picture taken?
- Oh, would you
like me to smile?
- You kidding, with this broad
I don't know how you keep
from laughing out loud! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- When I played Las Vegas I
did a lot of gambling. (laughs)
The gambling consisted
of coming out on stage
in front of an
audience. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You know I think
that guy in the
next cell block's
a little funny.
- What makes you say that?
- Well he asked me if
I'd babysit for him tonight.
(audience laughs)
- There's a new album out
entitled Truman
Capote sings the blues.
And the pinks and the fuchsias.
(audience laughs)
- Hello this is Gary Owens
with some more safety hints.
Never try to sneak
a live jelly fish
past a fish and game inspector
inside your bathing suit.
(audience laughs)
- Hey you know what?
I'm getting sick and tired of
people looking down on me.
I'd like to go somewhere
where people would envy me.
A place where a man like me
can walk down the
street and be a respected
member of the community.
- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, where we going?
- Cleveland.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat, amusing horns music)
- Number two, never
let Sabastian Cabot
playfully jump on
you while at the beach.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
- Isn't it a little early
for trick or treat?
(audience laughs)
- Do you have
anything that would
make my legs look beautiful?
- Yeah, ah,
how about a pair of
baggy pants or a mu-mu?
- Oh! (purse thwacks)
- A mu-mu here, a mu-mu there,
here a mu there a
mu. (audience laughs)
You know if we're
gonna go steady
we'll have to get a truck.
(audience laughs)
- Number three,
never try to swing out
over the old
swimming hole on a tire
if it is still attached
to a 300 foot semi.
(audience laughs)
And number four, thank you.
(audience laughs)
(amusing horns
and slide whistles)
(door clunks)
- Hello there.
- Hi.
- Your newspaper
ran some classified ads
I'd like some information on.
- Okay.
- In the help wanted section
there was a job for a
computer programmer
no experience necessary.
- For what?
- Here's the ad.
- Oh, oh, the comp prog, no
exp nec, high sal, fringe bens.
- Hmm. (audience laughs)
Look what are the benefits?
- What?
- Benefits.
- Oh the fringe bens.
Well let's see.
You get the pens and the hosp
in case of sick or
acc, all day dreet
and a coff brk every morn.
(audience laughs)
- A what?
- A coff brk.
You know 10 minutes
drink two cups of coff?
And maybe a dan pastry and muf.
- I see.
- No look this is a new
job for expect perks.
- It is, well I'll take it.
Look I'm new in town
I need a place to live.
Can you do something about that?
- Well let's see.
Oh here's one.
Lg split level six bed,
three ba, high liv room,
fam room, air condit and fridge!
- Mmhm, that sounds good!
- Hey.
- Sounds good, hey?
(door clunks)
He understood
every word you said!
You're fired!
(audience laughs)
- You want a job?
You got it, take her place.
- Hey.
(typing keys clicking)
(door clunks)
- Now I need a job.
- Oh, well you know
there is one here
for comp prog, no ex nec,
comp sal, high fringe bens.
(audience laughs)
- We want equal rights!
- We want equal rights!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want equal rights!
- We want equal rights!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want equal, Patty
where are you going?
- Oh I gotta get home by six
to fix my husband's
dinner or else he'll kill me!
(audience laughs)
(chicken clucks)
- When did you first
realize I was Jewish?
- When they threw
converted rice at the wedding.
(audience laughs)
- We are here to
dedicate the newest edition
to our family of fine wines,
Lolushell Champagne.
Mrs. Trovell who'll
do the honors for us
and christen the Champagne.
(amusing horns and flute music)
(wood cracks)
(audience laughs)
- I've always had
one life long ambition.
That's to have a long life.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley, will you marry me!
- No Harry you're too fickle!
(rapid, comedic
xylophone and horns music)
- [Harry] Rhonda,
will you marry me?
(audience laughs)
(rapid, comedic
xylophone and horns music)
Sally, will you marry me?
- You bet your sweet bippie!
(everyone laughs)
- Hey let's say good night
to our great guests
of the evening.
- Yes, Meredith Baxter
and David Birney!
(audience applauds)
Ba, da, da dappa
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Hey wait a minute!
- What are you two up to?
- Well on Wilt Chamberlain
I'm about up to here.
- On Mickey Rooney
I'm up to here.
- And on Raquel
Welch I'm about up...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
The show's almost over!
- And if you two
want to do old jokes
why don't you go back
stage and do them?
- Okay.
- Good idea.
Come on David, walk this way.
Ya, da, da, da, da, da
- Meredith if I
could walk that way
I wouldn't need talcum powder.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hey if you people
out there walk
this way again next week
you're gonna see something.
- Ya-Ha.
- Look at this.
- [Dick] Johnny
carson will be here.
(audience applauds)
- [Dan] We'll have a lot of fun
with Charlie Callas.
(audience applauds)
And Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauds)
- [Dick] Along with
Arthur Godfrey.
(ladies laugh)
- I hate people who are
always using statistics.
- (snaps fingers) I
agree with you 100%.
(audience laughs)
Who flies through the aiiir
And tells corny jokes,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't know, who?
Edith pun (audience laughs)
- My optometrist
replaced his eye chart
with a Playboy fold out.
- Oh I bet that was
a sight for sore eyes.
(everyone laughs)
- What famous inventor
tastes good dunked in milk?
- [Comic] Alexander
the Graham Cracker!
- Exactly. (claps
hands) (audience laughs)
- I know in Hindu,
- And Hindu?
- And Hindu.
- [Dick] That's right very well.
- Who wanted to learn
to walk on hot ashes.
- [Dick] Ah-ha.
- But at the last minute.
- Yes?
- He got cold feet!
(audience laughs)
- What family was cast
away on a desert island,
turned purple and got
fried in bread crumbs?
- [Comic] I don't know.
- (laughs) The Swiss
Family Eggplant.
(audience laughs)
- [Richard] They don't
read them like that anymore.
- No, no.
- Wow.
- I knew a maid who used to
drink while she changed beds.
- Is that so?
- Ah-ha.
- It was nip and
tuck all the way!
(audience laughs)
- Ah David, what
insult comedian has
vitamin C deficiency?
- I can hardly wait, who?
- Ah, Don Ricketts?
(audience groans)
- Hey?
- Yeah.
- Who's quick on the draw?
And kisses you on
the neck, yeah, yeah
- Who?
Wild Bill Hickey
(audience laughs)
- Pat!
- Yah!
- You're not Pat!
- I know but I could...
- Ha.
- Pat!
- Yes.
- You know there's
something new on the market
for bald-headed men.
- What is it?
- A comb with false teeth!
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Did I ever ask you why
the rooster crossed the road?
- No I can honestly say no.
Why did the rooster
cross the road?
- I don't know, but there's
a chicken over there
with a big smile on her face.
(everyone laughs)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick!
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight!
(audience applauds)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Would you hold these for me?
- Oh sure, sweetie.
- Thank you.
- Glad to.
(glass smashes)
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Dick. (laughs)
- Goodnight Dick!
- Goodnight Dick!
(feet and hands
clapping and tapping)
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Three chairs for Mr. Keene.
One - Two.
(audience laughs)
- You heard them cheering.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(engine roars)
- Ride 'em cowboy!
Whoo-hoo! (audience laughs)
(ball smacks)
(whistle whirls)
(boing noise)
(upbeat, playful kazoo music)
(brakes squealing)
(skin smacks)
(descending whistle)
(cymbal crash)
(audience laughs)
(woman crying)
and slide whistle)
(audience applauds)
- Gotcha! (laughs)
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen
tonight our guests are the stars
of Bridget Loves Bernie.
- The lovely Meredith Baxter.
- And the equally
lovely David Birney.
- Ah-Hooo! (triumphant horns)
(audience applauds)
- David how are you?
- Dave.
- Hello Meredith - Dave.
- Hello.
- Shake my hand
- I'm so happy to meet you.
- It's a pleasure.
- It's just great to have
you both on the show.
We're just delighted.
- Thank you, we are too.
- It's, it's great to be here.
- Thank you.
- Well.
- You know before we
get on with the show
we've got a (chuckles)
little present for you.
- Oh really?
- Yup.
Little present.
- And it wasn't easy
finding something
that Jews and
Catholics can both enjoy.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah you know you
gotta have something
that both, most Jews and
Catholics don't have you know.
- That's right.
- I can hardly wait.
- Well, what is it?
- What is it?
- Well.
- You're very own Protestant.
(everyone laughs)
Bring him out, there you are.
- Now be nice to them they're
becoming a minority group.
- Gee, I don't think
we have one of these
on the show, do we Meredith?
- No, say what do you guys eat?
- Peanut butter and jelly.
Raisins.
- What do you do
the rest of the week?
(audience applauds)
- (Chuckles) Hi.
Last night Dick Martin
of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, asked me if
I'd like to go someplace
where they had real soft music
and the lights were low
and it wasn't crowded.
Did you ever spend an
evening at a mortuary?
(audience laughs)
Boooring! (laughs)
Remember that?
- Hey, how's the food here?
- Uh, not bad once
you get used to it.
Here.
You can finish my lunch.
(audience laughs)
- I don't like chocolate.
- Try the tongue, it's great.
(audience laughs)
- May I have your
hand in marriage?
- Yes, but I promised
the good stuff to Harold.
(audience laughs)
- (Chuckles) Waited five years
I finally got a new toupee
just for tonight's show.
You love it, yes or no?
(audience laughs) Can you tell?
Well I'll tell you one thing
I just had this one
made in Japan.
Found a sniper in it this
morning. (laughs loudly)
(audience laughs)
- How do you do?
- Well good morning.
- Uh listen, my
little sports car
just got pinned between a
bus and a big cement mixer.
Yeah and then a truck
ran into it and a fire
engine ran over it
and just smashed it to bits.
Do you think you can fix it?
- Well certainly I can
now where is your car?
- Oh, it's right here.
(metal crashes loudly)
(audience laughs)
- They don't make
them like they used to.
(lady and audience laughs)
But then again neither do I.
(audience laughs loudly)
- I could tell right away that
your parents were Jewish.
- Mmhm, how?
- They spoke with
a pickled tongue.
- Ooohh! (audience laughs)
- We were so poor
when I was a kid
that whenever my father
would wake up in a bad mood
we say he got up on the
wrong side of the floor.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me. (smacks counter)
- Yes.
- I would like to
return this deck
of disappearing
cards, they don't work.
- What deck of
disappearing cards?
- Uh, they were
here a minute ago.
(audience laughs)
Uh, oh here they are.
(cards flip and smack)
(audience laughs)
- That's the way it is.
The congregation will now rise.
(ascending low sliding whistles)
(audience laughs)
Hey you all come back down here!
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me I've come to
see the doctor about a nose job.
- Oh the doctor
will see you in there.
- Oh, fine thank you.
(wood cracks)
(audience laughs)
Uh, thank you, how much
do I owe you, Doctor?
(audience laughs)
- You're a bum!
You never take me out anymore.
Now tomorrow night
you're taking me out with you
we're gonna have
the same kind of fun
that you have without me!
- (Snaps fingers)
That's, that's,
that's a good idea.
We'll go out, pick up a
couple of broads and get drunk.
- Oh, no we won't!
(glass crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Cigars, cigarettes?
Cigars, cigarettes?
(audience laughs)
Hi. (giggles)
- Hi.
- Who's the broad?
(audience laughs)
- The broad?
Don't you recognize her?!
You've seen her on Broadway!
- Oooh, my goodness yes I
have seen her on Broadway.
I've also seen her
on 43rd Street, 56th.
(audience laughs)
And sneaking out of a
cheap alley in the Bronx.
(audience laughs)
What's happening, big boy?
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank
it's time for Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan.
(audience applauds)
And Dick Martin!
With guest stars Meredith
Baxter and David Birney!
With cameo
appearances by Rip Taylor,
Slappy White, Jo Anne Worley.
Plus Ruth Buzzi, Richard Dawson,
Patty Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willy
Tyler and Lester.
And me, Gary Owen.
Reminding you
that before you eat
a Baby Ruth candy bar,
be sure that you burp it.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
Take Sominex tonight
And sleep, sleep, sleeep.
- Will you stop that singing?!
I'm trying to get
to sleep! (yawns)
(audience laughs)
(bouncy, xylophone music)
- Well I know one thing
I crossed a telephone
with a rabbit and you
know what I got? (laughs)
A bell hop! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Can't you hear me?!
(audience laughs)
Isn't it awfully warm in here?
I don't understand this.
Sometimes it just gets
so hot. (audience laughs)
It just gets awfully warm!
(audience applauds)
It's warm, I gave at the office!
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and Gentleman
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat big band music)
- Thank you, oh
you're very nice.
- Oh golly! (chuckles)
- Good evening
ladies and gentleman...
- Boy they keep
coming back don't they?
- Yeah, it's a good
group, good group.
- That's a good group.
- As I was beginning to say
tonight there is...
- I bet you can't
guess what I am.
(Dan laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Boy you really give
me some openings
I'll tell you that!
(everyone laughs)
Well, sir!
- Uh-ha.
- In response to your query
I believe that it's a...
- I don't recall
bringing that up.
(audience laughs)
- I believe that it is
quite obvious what you are.
- Oh?
- You are obviously a
hairdresser for a giraffe.
- No, but I'll give you
one more chance.
What would a man like myself
do with animals?
(chuckles) (audience laughs)
- I don't believe
I'm allowed to say.
(everyone laughs)
- I'm surprised at
you (drowned out)
never let me forget it.
- Well all right.
- Now!
- You're gonna tell
us what you're up to.
What's this all about?
- I am going to tell you.
I happen to be, I happen
to be the volunteer,
I have just volunteered
to help refill the Burbank Zoo.
(light laughter)
- What do you mean refill
the Burbank Zoo?
Are they all out of animals?
- Yes since the chicken died.
(audience laughs)
- No, chicken jokes!
- Since the... (laughs)
- Yes.
Chicken passed away.
- What was wrong with it?
- Nothing the white
meat was delicious.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, I mean what...
All right, where are you going,
where are you going to
look for all these animals?
- Well!
- Not quite sure.
- He said.
- Tomorrow I leave for the
heart of the African Jungle.
- Kenya?
- Kenyi?
(everyone laughs)
Of course I can!
- Of course I can.
- Soon as I get my bags
packed I'm on my way!
- What are you
gonna be hunting for?
- Mostly underwear, I'm
always short of underwear.
(audience laughs)
- In the jungle.
Now what are you gonna?
For example how would you
catch the awful screaming hyenas?
(Dick snorts and
laughs manically)
- You talk about openings!
(everyone laughs)
- Catch by...
- Probably by getting bitten
- No that's the...
By the Tsetse fly.
How would you huntions?
Not with something like that.
- Oh no, obviously not.
- How would you, how would you?
- Well the last time I
was out hunting lions,
I went stalking in
the dead of night
armed only with a
flashlight and a hacksaw.
- Flashlight and a hacksaw.
- That's true.
- Never hear of anyone
catching lions like that.
- Then you've never
heard of anyone
breaking into the San Diego Zoo.
- I see. (audience laughs)
- Around Noon.
- You know.
- You know if you really
know about animals
you're probably aware
of a great public myth,
a misconception about animals.
Many people think for
instance that the lion
is the king of the
jungle and it's not at all.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, no, no, no it's not.
- It's the elephant.
(audience laughs)
- The ephelant?
- The ephelant, yes.
How would you go about?
How would you attempt
to bag an elephant?
- Well simple.
First I'd put the feet in
then I'd try to pull
the bag - No, no, no.
- over its head.
(audience laughs)
- That's not the way
to bag an elephant.
When I say...
- Well if you say so.
Okay Lou, let him out the bag!
(audience laughs)
- Would you like to
see a topless dancer?
- Yeah!
(fabric rips)
- Great!
(audience laughs)
(feet clomping)
- Who says they all got rhythm?
(audience laughs)
- A couple of big stars.
- Ah!
- Ah-Ha, (claps hands)
Universal certainly slipped up
when they let you two
go! (audience laughs)
I have a proposition for you.
- Oh?
- How would you,
merely for the sum of $10,
like to make money
without working?
- $10?
- $10 will do it sir!
- Here's you're $10 how do I
make money without working?
- Who you fooling
this is a five, sir?
- Oh, excuse me!
- I'll do it for five!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, no, no I understand!
- Here's $20 I'll go $25.
- You'll do it twice, right.
- Yes.
- See the guy
standing next to you?
- Yeah.
- The way to make
money without working.
- Yeah.
- Tell him exactly
what I told you
only charge him double for it!
(audience laughs)
Don't listen to him.
- Ssshhh!
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I have Patty!
- Oh thank you.
- Oh.
- Ah, ah, listen!
- What?
- It's time for me to
do one of my sneezes.
- One of your famous sneezes?
- One, one of those.
- Gesundheit.
- Not yet.
- Not yet, no.
- At this point I will do
a jackhammer sneezing.
- A jackhammer sneezing.
- A jackhammer sneezing.
- That is correct.
- Okay
(Patty sighs)
- Ah choo.
Ah choo.
Ah cha, cha, cha.
(audience laughs)
Aahhh chaaazaaa!
(audience laughs)
- I want you to take
your time and tell me.
Guess which egg
has not been cooked?
Careful.
- Uh-oh.
One of them's been cooked
one of them hasn't.
- Right.
- Let's see I'll pick,
this one!
- Ooohhh!
Congratulations! (egg cracks)
(audience laughs)
Gee that's really good!
- I just spent $100,000 to
have my basement remodeled.
Come here. (crying)
Now it's on the best seller
list! (cries hysterically)
I'll be right back.
(audience laughs)
- Well Jake you're getting
out on parole tomorrow
and you really
deserve the break.
- Ah.
- You're the best liked
con in the whole joint.
- Well I tell you it
pays off, you know.
Warden even told me when I leave
they're gonna retire my number.
(audience laughs)
- Honey.
After a year of
marriage I still love you,
I still desire you,
I still want you!
- I know, I know.
(audience laughs)
(boing noise)
- When I was a
young kid in Harlem
we used to do like
the college kids.
And we would stuff a
lot of us in a phone booth,
but the difference
was we slept there.
(audience laughs)
- I think the Chinese should
have been the chosen people.
- Why do you say that?
- Because with eight
million you get egg roll.
(nun and audience laughs)
- I love to play tennis
with little children.
They're so easy
to lob over the net.
(audience laughs)
Hit them with my forehand I did.
(audience laughs)
- I tell you Eunice
I am going crazy
now that my husband's retired.
Yeah, he stays around
the house all day long.
He's always underfoot.
(audience laughs)
I'll talk to you later, Eunice.
(phone clunks)
(woman yawns)
(phone ringing)
(audience laughs)
Hello?
No, no later!
Okay. (phone clunks)
(phone rings)
- [Husband] Cut it out!
- It's for you.
(audience laughs)
- And to my attorney
who has always given me
sound financial advice I
leave my entire fortune, $1.97.
(audience laughs)
(metal clinks)
(upbeat horn music)
- What are you making?
- It's a Greek urn.
- What's a Greek urn?
- Oh about $1.35 an hour.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear about
the Siamese twin
who caught his wife
with another man?
He was beside himself.
(audience laughs)
- If you think all black
people have rhythm
you should see
Moms Mabley Mambo.
(audience laughs)
- Cigars, cigarettes!
- I'll have some cigarettes.
- Certainly sir.
And does the old
broad want anything?
(audience laughs)
- Don't you know that
lady is an actress?!
- Yeah?
Well if she's got you
believing she's a lady
she's a terrific actress!
(audience laughs)
- Whooo!
- And now a special
word about Spinach.
Blech! (audience laughs)
(feet rapidly tapping)
- Oh, oh!
Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles!
Granddaddy just
made me little colonel
in the Confederate Army!
- Well he just made
me wash the windows.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
The Civil War is such fun!
With all the marching,
(stomps feet)
and the riding (stomps feet)
and the fighting
and the shooting.
And of course, the dancing!
(rapid tap dancing steps)
(audience laughs)
(man claps hands)
- You know something, momma?
I don't think you're
wrapped too tight.
(audience laughs)
- Ooohhh!
Well just think!
If the North wins,
you'd be able to leave
this 30 room plantation
and go back to your one
room ghetto apartment!
(audience laughs)
- What else you got?
- Well, (audience laughs)
you could do what
my brother did.
He took off the
day the war started!
- You mean to
Richmond to join up?
- No to Montreal to hide out!
(audience laughs)
(rapid feet tapping)
- I just don't know what to do!
- Oh, I've got an idea.
- What?
- Why don't we go into show biz?
And we could sing and dance.
- Yeah but what song
would we open with?
- Well, if the North
wins I could pick
Give My Regards to Broadway!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah and if the South wins,
I'll Pick Them Old
Cotton Fields Back Home.
(audience laughs)
(feet tapping)
(audience applauds)
- I hope you enjoyed that.
The cast was, of course,
Shirley Temple Black.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine told me
about a new massage parlor.
It' s located in
an old lighthouse.
It's for people who
want to fool around.
And around, and
around. (audience laughs)
- Hey, is this a
very rough place?
- Well I'll give you an example
yesterday they had a riot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They refused to go to work,
set fire to the
mattresses (chuckles)
threw rocks and
bottles, several fist fights.
- No kidding.
What about the guards?
- That was the guards!
(audience laughs)
- When I was a kid our parents
didn't give us any allowance.
We had to mug them for it.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley will you marry me?
- No, Harry, I don't
think you're too sincere.
- Yes I am!
(audience laughs)
- A viewer in St. Louis writes,
"Is a heart transplant possible
"on a fat, 57 year old woman?"
Probably, but
doctors say it would
be better to do it on an
operating table instead.
(audience laughs)
(door clunks)
(slide whistles whines)
(amusing horn music)
- Ha!
You've got lipstick
on your collar!
- Oh no that's not
lipstick, that's blood.
- Oh, oh sweetheart I'm sorry.
Did you cut yourself?
- No the broad I
was out with bite me.
- Oh! (audience laughs)
(glass smashes)
- I've closed bigger
towns than this.
But it's finally wonderful
appearing on Laugh-In. (chuckles)
I needed a good cry! (cries)
(audience laughs)
- I'm all for bringing young
people into our church.
- Yes, but I think
Father O'Rourke
went a little too
far last Sunday
when at collection time
he passed the Frisbee.
(everyone laughs)
(upbeat cultural
flutes and horns)
(finger cymbals clacking)
Turning, turning,
turning, turning
Turning all around.
Whirling, whirling,
whirling, whirling,
Whirling on the ground.
What's the news
across the nation?
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
We have got the information.
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
In a way that keeps us grinning.
Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
Whirling, whirling,
swirling, spinning,
Neh, neh, neh, neh.
We will give you all the turning
Also give you all of our neeews!
La, la, de, da!
Ladies and gentleman,
Laugh-In looks at the
one, two, three, four,
Turning, turning,
turning, turning,
Turning double quick.
Turning, turning,
turning, turning,
Here is Dan and Dick!
Oye.
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Now
for the Laugh-In news
which Charlie T McBrown,
Dr. Livingston found,
Alan King crowned and
Mr. Blackwell gowned!
(audience laughs)
And here's Dan
and Dick with news.
- First these news headlines.
- Galloping Gourmet,
- [Dan] Gourmets.
- gourmets. (audience laughs)
The Galloping
Gourmet's son starts,
that's a funny name
for a kid, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
The Galloping
Gourmet's son starts,
oh I see, starts
first day of school,
brings teacher apple souffle.
(audience laughs)
- About that, chiropractor's
baseball game held today,
president throws out first back.
(audience laughs)
- Gloria Steinman gets married
and carries husband
over threshold.
(audience laughs)
- And now, because
we can't prevent it,
here's Dick with
the present news.
- Dateline Butte Mont.
- [Dan] Butte, Montana.
(everyone laughs)
- Dateline, whatever you said.
(audience laughs)
Mrs. RK Kramer whose
husband went to the corner
for a loaf of bread 20 years
ago and never returned
announced today that she
finally decided to give him up.
Mrs. Kramer said, "Well,
Mr. Kramer was 50 years old
"when he left, so
even if he is alive
"I figure both (laughs)
(audience laughs)
"both him and the bread got
pretty stale by now." (laughs)
(everyone laughs)
- You like that one?
- That's a good one.
- I hadn't seen that one before.
- You never read
these before do you?
- No I never do read them.
- [Dan] I'm surprised
you recognize me.
- Dateline Holliwood.
- [Dan] Hollywood.
- Hollywood.
On television's first
nearly accomplish today.
Wait a minute (laughs)
(audience laughs)
let's try that one.
A television first was
nearly accomplished today
when a young man and woman met
the morning on The Dating Game,
married and appeared
in the afternoon
on the Newlywed Game
and then died of exhaustion
in the early morning attempt...
- Early evening attempt.
- To qualify.
Evening attempt to qualify
for The Parent Game.
(everyone laughs)
I bet that's even funnier
when you run it all together.
- Oh, yeah, I bet it is!
(audience laughs)
- And here's Dan
with the future news.
- Here's the future
three years from now.
Just simmer down. (Dick snorts)
Due to the selling
of every last bit
of wheat to Russia
Americans are now
paying incredible prices
for smuggled bread.
And it has now become
the new status symbol
for the wealthy.
It is further reported
that Richard Burton
has just gifted Elizabeth Taylor
with a $200,000
pumpernickel necklace.
(audience laughs)
I didn't ask you to grade them.
(audience laughs)
Here's the future
20 years from now.
Today Florence Chadwick,
Jr. became the first woman
to beat her mother's time for
swimming the English Channel.
When asked how she
managed to do it she said,
"I didn't swim any
faster than mom,
"but with pollution
as bad as it is
"I was able to run
the last four miles."
(audience laughs)
- Hey it's Heavy Helen
with the far out freaky news.
Disney Land has just
opened a new section
that they call Hippie Land.
The main attraction is a ride
that takes you waaay hiiigh up
(audience laughs)
and never comes down.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah man, and now with
the news of the underworld
here's our own
godmother, Alice Capone.
- This is Alice Capone here.
(foot stomps)
From the Syndicate News!
(gavel clunks)
(audience laughs)
You gangsters will
all be pleased to know
that Detroit has
come out with a car
especially designed
for the family.
A 13 passenger sedan.
(audience laughs)
It holds three in the front,
three in the back
and seven in the trunk.
(audience laughs)
- Here with tonight's
Hollywood item
nationally known columnist,
our own Miss Rona Barrett.
- Rona Barrett here and I
have sad news from Tinseltown.
My reliable sources
have confirmed that
Totie Fields has
separated. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Here's the minority
news with Willie and Lester.
- Welcome to the
Minority Report with me
I'm Willie Tyler your reporter
with an eye out for the news.
- And I'm Lester.
Your reporter with
an eye for the ladies.
(audience laughs)
- And now for the news.
It was announced today
that the Supreme Court
had handed down another
decision on bussing.
- Hey man.
- What's the matter?
- When I was small, man,
you know they bussed us
75 miles to school?
- Well was it a black
school or white school?
- We never found out, man.
By the time they got
there it was too dark to see.
(audience laughs)
- Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Here's Jud Strunk
with the sports news
from the sports capital of
the world, Farmington, Maine.
- (thunks table) Hi there!
It's Jud Strunk your
sports commentator
broadcasting from up
here in Farmington, Maine,
sports capitol of the world.
This week we got
a dandy for you.
It's called the board bounce.
(audience laughs)
Now, for the past 20
minutes Emma Cornfield's
been standing on her
feet holding her breath
in the bottom of that pool
waiting to shove off
She's got a set of lungs on her.
(audience laughs)
She's gonna push off,
come up out of there,
do two flips, land on that
board on her tippy toes
and back off if she can.
When I blow this whistle.
You think she can do it?
Let's try it.
(whistle bleats)
(water splashes)
Here come's Emma!
There she goes!
(audience laughs)
Up around the
board and backing off!
(audience laughs)
You believe she did that?
Boys at the range can tell you
she can do it all night long.
- Now the Irish news.
- W-With our (laughs)
(everyone laughs) There you are
you clever devil.
With our Hiberian friends...
- Hibernian.
- Whatever they are.
(audience laughs)
Pat and Mike, whoops I got you!
(upbeat penny whistle music)
- Do, dit, dit, do, dit, dit.
- Well the top
o'morning to you, Mike.
- Well the rest of the
afternoon to you there Patrick.
- Would you hold the dancing?
It gets my heart a pumping.
- I can't stop.
- Well Terrance
O'Shaunesy was arrested.
- O'Shaaaunesy.
- O'Shaunesy was
arrested last night
after a busy day.
- Hmm.
- Refused to pay for his
coffee at the cafe, you know.
- Ha!
- Yeah, stole and apple
from Riley's push cart
and fell asleep on a park bench.
- Well what did they
charge him with?
- Impersonating an officer.
(audience laughs)
- Your attention please.
Will the individual
who is responsible
for the placement of
the whoopee cushion
prior to the completion of
the Robert Frost reading
please contact the
entertainment chairman
after the meeting, thank you.
(audience laughs)
Da, dee, dum.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the,
Oh, neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
- Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh.
(audience applauds)
- One of my ex partner's
are now writing for Laugh-In.
Me, I stayed in show business.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me I'd like to
see a pair of shoes for $10.
Certainly, coming right up.
There you are, a pair of shoes.
Now, that'll be $10 please.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to see
a pair of socks for $1?
- Uh, listen I didn't come
here to be insulted, you know.
- Why where do you usually go?
(audience laughs)
- Well I never. (snare
and cymbals beat)
- I wore a bikini at the beach
and a guy said I was a
natural for Playboy Magazine
because my body
already had the folds in it.
(audience laughs)
In the wrong places.
(audience laughs)
- A viewer in South
Dakota would like to know,
"Are carrots good for vision?"
Well actually doctors
say that glasses are better.
(audience laughs)
(fast-paced, amusing
big band music)
(bell dings)
- Candy, cigars,
cigarettes.
- Could I have some
cigarettes for my wife?
- Sure and how about a cigar
for the broad
you're with! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Want to buy a bunny? (giggles)
Kiss it, Alan would love it!
Kiss it! (audience laughs)
$500 big sport! (Dick laughs)
Get rid of the cheap guy.
(audience laughs)
Cigars!
- Friend of mine was going bald
so I said, "Why don't
you get a transplant?"
So when I saw him again
about six months later
he had a heart on
his head. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Didn't you ever wanna get away
from all these rotten,
sleazy, cut throat criminals
and go back home
where it's peaceful?
- Not me, I'm from
New York City.
(audience laughs)
- Ah-Oh, you're
better off here then.
(audience laughs)
- What's all this talk today
about equal opportunity?
Do you know they still
wanted a black man
in the YWCA?
(audience laughs)
- Before you met
me did you prefer
Jewish girls or gentile girls?
- Well it really didn't
make any difference.
It was shecks of one,
half dozen of the other.
(audience laughs)
- So I said to the bishop,
"Times must be getting better.
"I just looked in the poor box
"and there's nobody in it."
(audience laughs)
- You got all that now.
- Mmhm.
- All right if you'll
just sign right here
you will be insured
for one million dollars.
- One million!
- Yeah.
- Oh, ho, ho, boy that,
that's a good one isn't it?
(light amusing whirly music)
- I did it, I did it!
I just sold my biggest policy!
- Ah! (audience laughs)
(descending slide whistles)
(paper rips)
(audience laughs)
- Good.
I understand
you're thinking about
getting a liquor license.
- That's right I
figure after eating
in this place you need a drink.
(audience laughs)
And after looking at
you, you need two drinks.
(audience laughs)
- This is the Coast Guard.
What is your problem?
- [Radio Voice] My boat has
been swallowed by a whale!
And I'm inside it
now, what should I do?
- Make notes if you
ever get out of there alive
you got a best seller.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Would you lay out
the president's things
for the day please.
- Certainly, what's on
the agenda madam?
- Well, at nine
o'clock he's meeting
with the mayor of Dublin.
- Ah, the mayor of Dublin then?
- Yes, absolutely.
- He will certainly need
his green coat.
- Correct. (audience laughs)
And then at 10...
- 10 o'clock, yes.
- He's meeting with the
Russian ambassador.
- Ah, he'll need his red tie.
- I don't doubt it.
- I have it right here, madam.
Lovely red.
- Oh, good, good.
And at 11, - 11 o'clock.
- he will be playing golf
with Vice President Agnew.
- Vice President Agnew, hey?
- Uh-huh.
- Well then he'll
certainly need these.
(audience laughs)
- All right now we're
gonna have to decide
which one of us is gonna
run out of food and water.
So far it looks like me.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me sir,
but it's time to leave
for your luncheon engagement.
- Thank you Miss Jones.
- You're welcome.
(grinding motor)
(upbeat fun music)
(motor roars)
(audience applauds)
- Hello, I'm Gary
Owens with a word
on how to get your
$100 bill in the mail.
Here's all you...
(audience laughs)
(amusing music)
(boing noise)
(Meredith laughs)
- What was that for? (laughs)
- Don't you know?
You always hit at
the one you love.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, the Indians got
me, the Indians got me!
- Was it a surprise attack?
- You bet, I was in the
bus terminal at the time.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- I'm the only dark
Farkel in the family.
I guess when I get old enough
they'll tell me all about the
black birds and the bees.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, young man!
I think I've broken by foot.
Get me to the hospital
quickly and step on it!
- Okay.
(foot crashes)
(audience laughs)
- I don't understand.
Highway 101 was
running right through here
and this morning it disappeared
from the face of the earth.
- This is highway robbery!
(audience laughs)
(ominous music)
- Take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, thank you.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Ssh!
- I'm glad you stopped
I was getting nauseous.
What time does the opera start?
- Ssh!
- You should get
your lips vulcanized
you're losing air.
- Quiet this is a lovely score.
- Score, I didn't even
know they kicked off yet.
(audience laughs)
- Ssh, ssh!
This is the overture.
- Speaking of overtures,
why don't we don't
go over to your house
after the game.
(audience laughs)
- I beg your pardon!
This isn't your seat.
- Well I must have put the
pants on the wrong man.
- Oh! (audience laughs)
- Why are all those people
yelling all over the stage?
- Carmen, don't you know Carmen?
- Why certainly I know Carmen
I had to shoot her dog.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
Was the dog mad?
- Well he wasn't
exactly pleased.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- Jimmy Carmen of
Madrid, of course I know him.
- No, no, not that Carmen.
The musical Carmen.
- Oh the musical Carmen.
She'll be coming
around the mountain
When she comes.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
You're obviously no opera buff.
- On the contrary my dear woman,
I'll come over to your house
and sing opera in
the buff anytime.
(audience laughs)
- I am not going to
sit here and take this!
- Okay, then take
this (wood clunks)
and sit over there.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
Good heavens, I've had it!
(wood clunks)
I'm leaving, oh!
(descending sliding whistles)
- You're not just saying that?
(audience laughs)
Very nice talking
to you, feel free
to drop in anytime.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- I don't understand
what's coming,
but I'll tell you this show's
really a laugh a minute
and that minute should
be coming up pretty soon.
(audience laughs)
Now I get it, 'cause I see the,
and the other was.
(audience laughs)
- [Husband] Oh wonderful.
(door clunks)
- I know where you've been.
You've been out
with another woman!
- Oh no, you're
absolutely wrong,
Layla honeybuckets.
(smacks hand)
I've been out with
four other women.
And I'm exhausted.
(audience laughs)
(glass smashes)
- You've been here a long time,
I understand they
keep you completely
out of touch with
the outside world
is that right?
- Oh that's not true at
all they couldn't do it.
For one thing President
Roosevelt wouldn't allow it.
(audience laughs)
- I went to a double
feature to see the rat movie,
Willard and Ben.
And it wasn't
until then I realized
that I spent my entire
childhood with movie stars.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley.
Will you marry me?
- Well, you'll have to
ask my mother first.
- I already did and
she turned me down.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine
likes to play tricks
with me on my toupee. (laughs)
Yesterday I walked into a room
and he sneaked up behind me
and pulled the rug out
from over me! (laughs)
(whirly whistling noise)
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear about
poor Father Flanagan?
- While he was
preaching in Central Park
a horse fell on him.
- Oh well that's the first time
I've ever heard of a
mount on the sermon!
(bell gongs)
(audience laughs)
- Your attention please.
Will the woman who left
the 800 pound male gorilla
in the powder room
at the Norberg Theater
kindly come remove it, so
that others may take their turn.
(audience laughs)
- There have been a lot of
accidents in the home lately
and so we're going to give
you about 12 safety hints.
Things not to do
while you're at home.
One of the first things
that you should never do...
(audience laughs)
while you're home,
is get associated with
anything like this, for instance.
- Anchors away!
- What anchors away?
- Well anchors away
about a two ton a pizza!
(audience laughs)
That's a little Italian joke!
- What possible
reason could you have
for wearing that outfit?
- Well there could be several.
- I suppose so.
- I could be Jacques
Cousteau's butler.
- Well, you're not.
(audience laughs)
- Well you seem awfully
certain of yourself.
- I happen to know Jacques
Cousteau's butler,
you're not he.
- Okay I'll admit to that.
- What else?
- I'll fess up!
- What other reason?
- I could be,
I could be the best man
at a walrus' wedding.
- Ah, I can believe that.
- I could believe that.
(audience laughs)
Ha, I could be the first man
to go over Niagra
Falls in a shopping cart.
- Oh, come on. (audience laughs)
- Ha?
You wanna hear more?
- I didn't even wanna hear that!
- Oh, well then I might
as well tell you the truth.
I'm going whaling.
- Going whaling, you're
going out after some big ones.
- Yes, that too.
But first I gotta
go on a fishing trip.
(everyone laughs)
- I suppose that
you're going after
the great white
whale, Moby Dick.
- No I'm going after the
great pink whale, Moby Percy.
(audience laughs)
- Where did you ever
hear of a pink whale?
- My decorator told me about it.
(audience laughs)
You know the only
way to catch him?
- I don't want to know.
- Is to troll with a purse.
- Oh, come on.
- Although a little sequined
evening clutch bag works best.
- Where are you going to,
where you gonna
find a pink whale?
- Well I'll recognize
him immediately.
- You will?
- He's the only one who
swims with one flipper on his hip.
(everyone laughs)
Then he comes up
next to the boat and says,
"Hi whaler, new in town?"
- New in town, ah yes.
(audience laughs)
- My decorator
told me that, too.
- As he kicking
him out I suppose.
Listen you don't know
anything about whaling.
- Oh yeah well I went out in the
whale fields just yesterday.
- You did?
- And I saw a whole bunch of...
- No, no.
- Of a group?
- No.
- A litter?
- No, a herd of whales.
- I've heard of whales
(audience laughs)
they're the big things
with the flipper on the side.
- Listen, do you know
anything at all about whales?
You could go right
out of Santa Monica
because the gray
whales are migrating.
As a matter of fact the whales
are one of the few animals
that practice oceanic migration.
- Well good, that's the only way
to get good at
anything, just practice.
- No, no. (audience laughs)
Have you ever seen a whale?
- Oh, have I, I've had an
experience you'll never forget.
- I would a wagered.
- Never forget?
- What happened?
- Whoops! (laughs) (Dan laughs)
Well, I forgot.
(Dan and audience laughs)
No, I remember now. (laughs)
I remember now.
There I was, - There you was.
- racing headlong into the wind,
danger all around me.
- [Dan] That's the wind.
(blows whistling air)
- Oh thank you.
- Yeah, all right.
- And then it happened.
(audience laughs)
I hit the seas.
- You hit the seas.
- The white caps were
breaking over the bow.
- The bow, yes.
- That's the
front part, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, the white caps
were breaking over the bow.
The pounding surf was
caught in my forecastle.
(audience laughs)
There it was.
And then I landed
on my poop deck.
- Oh dear!
- That's worse
than my forecastle.
(audience laughs)
- That smarts.
- Yeah. (Dan laughs)
And then I turned port,
and then I turned starboard
and then I turned green!
- I don't want to know.
(audience laughs)
- That's from drinking the port.
- What happened...
(everyone laughs)
- Then I spied a...
- Oh, there's more?
- Oh yes!
Then I spied a giant
whale coming toward me.
And I gave the
traditional whaler's call.
- There she blows!
- No, feet do your duty!
(everyone laughs)
- Look, did you get him?
- I almost had him.
- What do you mean?
- I almost had him
and one thing happened
to spoil the whole thing.
- What spoiled it?
- The worm fell
off my harpoon.
(audience laughs)
- The worm fell off your
harpoon a long time ago.
- Be that as it may.
(audience applauds)
- Excuse me.
Just hold it down
there for a minute.
It's time for our
salute to air travel.
- Oh, good.
- Yes.
- Oh good!
- Yes.
And what better way
than to have Jud Strunk
sing his new hit, A Daisy a Day.
- What?
Jud Strunk sings?
- Does he ever didn't you know
the astronauts on
the last moon trip
took a recording of Jud
singing his own song
Daisy a Day, to the moon.
Took it to the moon with them.
Now that's air travel
- Why it certainly is.
- Glad you agree, here's Jud.
(easy, happy and
flowing banjo music)
He remembers the
first time he met her
He remembers the
first thing she said
He remembers the
first time he held her
And the night that
she came to his bed
He remembers her
sweet way of saying
Honey has something gone wrong
He remembers the
fun and the teasing
And the reason the reason
he wrote her this song
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love until the
rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away
They would walk down
the street in the evening
And for years I
would see them go by
And their love that was more
Than the clothes that they wore
Could be seen in
the gleam of their eye
As a kid they would
take me for candy
And I loved to go tagging along
We'd hold hands while
we walked to the corner
And the old man
would sing her his song
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until
the rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away.
Now he walks down
the street in the evening
And he stops by
the old candy store
And I somehow
believe he's believing
He's holding her
hand like before
For he feels all her
love walking with him
And he smiles at the
things she might say
Then the old man
walks up to the hill top
And gives her a daisy a day
I'll give you a daisy a day dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until
the rivers run still
And the four winds
we know blow away
(audience applauds and whistles)
- Oh it was murder
at the airport today.
I landed forty planes an hour.
- Oh I don't want to
hear about your job!
Just because you're a
airport traffic controller
that's all you talk about
now let's go to bed!
- All right, there's
no need to shout.
- Oh!
- All right!
Now come on.
Steady. (audience laughs)
Easy, easy now, right rutter.
Right rutter!
Bring your flaps down!
- My flaps are down.
- Well put them back up again.
(bed crashes)
- Did you know
that Burbank Airlines
has a fleet of jumbo
jets that accommodate
250 passengers and
only two bathrooms?
- Yeah I know.
They have air disasters
you don't even hear about.
(plane roars) (audience laughs)
- Oh, captain?
Are we landing
at our destination?
- Now we're just
stopping to refuel.
- Oh where?
- At a small gas
station near Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
Probably the first
sketch you've ever been
where you heard the comic say
he didn't have enough
gas to get to Pittsburgh.
(audience laughs)
- Planes are getting
faster all the time.
Do you realize
that with today's jets
you can have breakfast
right here in Burbank
and then be in New York in time
for the first cramps to hit.
(audience laughs)
- We'd like to go
to India, please.
- I see.
I am most humbly
apologetic to your nose,
but you can not go there.
- Why can't we go to India?
- Because it is poor.
(audience laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- Oh the president's
plane Air Force One's
going to be delayed
another three hours.
- Well is it anything serious?
- No the president simply
wanted to see Patton again.
(plane engine roars)
(plate clinks)
(audience laughs)
- You better finish
getting dressed dear
you never to the
airport on time.
- I told you I'm not
going on any airplane
I'm afraid of flying!
- Come on now,
you're just being silly.
You'll just do fine now have
a nice flight sweetheart.
(audience laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- I traveled on an
airline the other day
that was so expensive when
we got to the end of the runway
they charged us taxi fare.
(audience laughs)
Oh! (laughs)
(plane engine roars)
- Burbank Airlines Flight 10.
Right.
I will report your situation.
Chief you know that
flight with Sophia Loren,
Raquel Welch and
Gina Lollobrigida?
- Yeah.
- They're stacked
up over Boston.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, bye, bye.
May I help you?
- Yes I'd like to buy a ticket
to the moon for tomorrow.
- Fine.
But would you like to
get 50% off your fare?
- I sure would, what
do I have to do?
- Go next week there'll
only be half a moon.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Poor Mickey Rooney,
you know he took
an airplane trip and
nearly chocked to death
when he fastens his seat belt.
(plane engine roars)
(audience laughs)
- Good day.
(door clunks)
- Good evening.
And welcome aboard your home.
- (sighs) Why did I
marry a stewardess?
(audience laughs)
- Right this way sir.
All hand luggage must
go under the seat. (laughs)
(man laughs)
Oh and I'm afraid
you're going to have
to be in a upright
position for take off.
- But I... (springs boing)
- There. (audience laughs)
- Okay, okay.
- Ah-ha.
(bell dings)
Ah, uh, uh, uh,
don't you see the no
smoking sign up there?
And you must keep
your seat belt fastened
until the sign goes off.
- Oh now stop this is absurd.
I'm not gonna keep
my seat belt fastened.
- Oh well then I'll just
have to do it for you.
- But there's no need-
(belt crinks)
- There you go.
(audience laughs)
Good evening and welcome
to 3542 Pennington Street.
(audience laughs)
This is your wife,
Mrs. Harris speaking.
Dinner will be
ready in 20 minutes.
- I can hardly wait.
- In the meantime
cocktails will be served.
Would you like a martini?
- I'd love a martini.
- Good!
Here we go. (table scrapes)
(audience laughs)
That's be $1 dollar, please.
- Oh now stop this!
I'm not gonna pay you a buck
for a drink in my own home!
- Oh well then I'll
have to take it back.
(audience laughs)
- I've had it, I'm bailing out!
Geronimooo!
(descending sliding whistle)
- Ah could I interest
you in a Harper's Bazaar
or a Vogue...
(plane engine roars)
(stoic, marching horns music)
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) It's time once again
for the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
- And who gets the
atrocious appendage
of animosity tonight?
- Yeah, well.
- Isn't that rather good?
- That was pretty close, too.
- Thank you.
- A policeman in Maryland
who had a seemingly
abandoned car towed
away, crushed into
a small block of scrap metal.
- What kind of car was it?
- A 1951 Desoto.
(audience laughs)
- Oh in that case it probably
is much better looking now.
- That is not the point, sir.
- That's right,
the point is the car
should never have
been abandoned.
- That's the point.
- Ah-ha.
- It wasn't.
- It wasn't?
- No sir, the car was parked
in a private parking lot.
Had up to date license plates,
brand new set of tires
and now it's nothing
but a block of metal
the size of a suitcase.
(audience laughs)
- I can just see the owner's
kid coming out and saying,
"Dad, can I borrow
the suitcase tonight?"
(audience laughs)
At least it'll be easier
to park! (laughs)
- Ah, come on now.
- You can't find
anyplace to put a ticket on
there's no windshield left!
(audience laughs)
- All right.
Anyway the car was not abandoned
and the policeman was mistaken.
Which he has admitted.
- Well then, for having
an unabandoned car
illegally destroyed,
- That's right.
- we are sending our
Fickle Finger of Fate
to the policeman who's
name has been withheld,
- That's true.
From the article to protect the
nearest of kin from
embarrassment.
(audience laughs)
- It would embarrass them.
- It would have.
- Right.
- All right, there it is.
- Well what's that?
- That's the Fickle
Finger of Fate.
We had it crushed
for you, officer.
(audience laughs)
We've got a great idea
where you can park it.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- It's me again! (laughs)
Would you like
your picture taken?
- Oh, would you
like me to smile?
- You kidding, with this broad
I don't know how you keep
from laughing out loud! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- When I played Las Vegas I
did a lot of gambling. (laughs)
The gambling consisted
of coming out on stage
in front of an
audience. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You know I think
that guy in the
next cell block's
a little funny.
- What makes you say that?
- Well he asked me if
I'd babysit for him tonight.
(audience laughs)
- There's a new album out
entitled Truman
Capote sings the blues.
And the pinks and the fuchsias.
(audience laughs)
- Hello this is Gary Owens
with some more safety hints.
Never try to sneak
a live jelly fish
past a fish and game inspector
inside your bathing suit.
(audience laughs)
- Hey you know what?
I'm getting sick and tired of
people looking down on me.
I'd like to go somewhere
where people would envy me.
A place where a man like me
can walk down the
street and be a respected
member of the community.
- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, where we going?
- Cleveland.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat, amusing horns music)
- Number two, never
let Sabastian Cabot
playfully jump on
you while at the beach.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
- Isn't it a little early
for trick or treat?
(audience laughs)
- Do you have
anything that would
make my legs look beautiful?
- Yeah, ah,
how about a pair of
baggy pants or a mu-mu?
- Oh! (purse thwacks)
- A mu-mu here, a mu-mu there,
here a mu there a
mu. (audience laughs)
You know if we're
gonna go steady
we'll have to get a truck.
(audience laughs)
- Number three,
never try to swing out
over the old
swimming hole on a tire
if it is still attached
to a 300 foot semi.
(audience laughs)
And number four, thank you.
(audience laughs)
(amusing horns
and slide whistles)
(door clunks)
- Hello there.
- Hi.
- Your newspaper
ran some classified ads
I'd like some information on.
- Okay.
- In the help wanted section
there was a job for a
computer programmer
no experience necessary.
- For what?
- Here's the ad.
- Oh, oh, the comp prog, no
exp nec, high sal, fringe bens.
- Hmm. (audience laughs)
Look what are the benefits?
- What?
- Benefits.
- Oh the fringe bens.
Well let's see.
You get the pens and the hosp
in case of sick or
acc, all day dreet
and a coff brk every morn.
(audience laughs)
- A what?
- A coff brk.
You know 10 minutes
drink two cups of coff?
And maybe a dan pastry and muf.
- I see.
- No look this is a new
job for expect perks.
- It is, well I'll take it.
Look I'm new in town
I need a place to live.
Can you do something about that?
- Well let's see.
Oh here's one.
Lg split level six bed,
three ba, high liv room,
fam room, air condit and fridge!
- Mmhm, that sounds good!
- Hey.
- Sounds good, hey?
(door clunks)
He understood
every word you said!
You're fired!
(audience laughs)
- You want a job?
You got it, take her place.
- Hey.
(typing keys clicking)
(door clunks)
- Now I need a job.
- Oh, well you know
there is one here
for comp prog, no ex nec,
comp sal, high fringe bens.
(audience laughs)
- We want equal rights!
- We want equal rights!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want equal rights!
- We want equal rights!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want freedom for women!
- We want equal, Patty
where are you going?
- Oh I gotta get home by six
to fix my husband's
dinner or else he'll kill me!
(audience laughs)
(chicken clucks)
- When did you first
realize I was Jewish?
- When they threw
converted rice at the wedding.
(audience laughs)
- We are here to
dedicate the newest edition
to our family of fine wines,
Lolushell Champagne.
Mrs. Trovell who'll
do the honors for us
and christen the Champagne.
(amusing horns and flute music)
(wood cracks)
(audience laughs)
- I've always had
one life long ambition.
That's to have a long life.
(audience laughs)
- Shirley, will you marry me!
- No Harry you're too fickle!
(rapid, comedic
xylophone and horns music)
- [Harry] Rhonda,
will you marry me?
(audience laughs)
(rapid, comedic
xylophone and horns music)
Sally, will you marry me?
- You bet your sweet bippie!
(everyone laughs)
- Hey let's say good night
to our great guests
of the evening.
- Yes, Meredith Baxter
and David Birney!
(audience applauds)
Ba, da, da dappa
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Hey wait a minute!
- What are you two up to?
- Well on Wilt Chamberlain
I'm about up to here.
- On Mickey Rooney
I'm up to here.
- And on Raquel
Welch I'm about up...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
The show's almost over!
- And if you two
want to do old jokes
why don't you go back
stage and do them?
- Okay.
- Good idea.
Come on David, walk this way.
Ya, da, da, da, da, da
- Meredith if I
could walk that way
I wouldn't need talcum powder.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Hey if you people
out there walk
this way again next week
you're gonna see something.
- Ya-Ha.
- Look at this.
- [Dick] Johnny
carson will be here.
(audience applauds)
- [Dan] We'll have a lot of fun
with Charlie Callas.
(audience applauds)
And Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauds)
- [Dick] Along with
Arthur Godfrey.
(ladies laugh)
- I hate people who are
always using statistics.
- (snaps fingers) I
agree with you 100%.
(audience laughs)
Who flies through the aiiir
And tells corny jokes,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't know, who?
Edith pun (audience laughs)
- My optometrist
replaced his eye chart
with a Playboy fold out.
- Oh I bet that was
a sight for sore eyes.
(everyone laughs)
- What famous inventor
tastes good dunked in milk?
- [Comic] Alexander
the Graham Cracker!
- Exactly. (claps
hands) (audience laughs)
- I know in Hindu,
- And Hindu?
- And Hindu.
- [Dick] That's right very well.
- Who wanted to learn
to walk on hot ashes.
- [Dick] Ah-ha.
- But at the last minute.
- Yes?
- He got cold feet!
(audience laughs)
- What family was cast
away on a desert island,
turned purple and got
fried in bread crumbs?
- [Comic] I don't know.
- (laughs) The Swiss
Family Eggplant.
(audience laughs)
- [Richard] They don't
read them like that anymore.
- No, no.
- Wow.
- I knew a maid who used to
drink while she changed beds.
- Is that so?
- Ah-ha.
- It was nip and
tuck all the way!
(audience laughs)
- Ah David, what
insult comedian has
vitamin C deficiency?
- I can hardly wait, who?
- Ah, Don Ricketts?
(audience groans)
- Hey?
- Yeah.
- Who's quick on the draw?
And kisses you on
the neck, yeah, yeah
- Who?
Wild Bill Hickey
(audience laughs)
- Pat!
- Yah!
- You're not Pat!
- I know but I could...
- Ha.
- Pat!
- Yes.
- You know there's
something new on the market
for bald-headed men.
- What is it?
- A comb with false teeth!
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Did I ever ask you why
the rooster crossed the road?
- No I can honestly say no.
Why did the rooster
cross the road?
- I don't know, but there's
a chicken over there
with a big smile on her face.
(everyone laughs)
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick!
- Goodnight!
- Goodnight!
(audience applauds)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Would you hold these for me?
- Oh sure, sweetie.
- Thank you.
- Glad to.
(glass smashes)
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Dick. (laughs)
- Goodnight Dick!
- Goodnight Dick!
(feet and hands
clapping and tapping)
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Three chairs for Mr. Keene.
One - Two.
(audience laughs)
- You heard them cheering.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(engine roars)
- Ride 'em cowboy!
Whoo-hoo! (audience laughs)
(ball smacks)
(whistle whirls)
(boing noise)
(upbeat, playful kazoo music)
(brakes squealing)
(skin smacks)
(descending whistle)
(cymbal crash)
(audience laughs)
(woman crying)