Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 23 - Episode #6.23 - full transcript

- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

(cheering and applause)

- Hold it now.

- It's Fred Waring.

Do not look.

Do not peek.

- [Man] Do not peek.

- Yes, who is our guest tonight?

(indistinct overlapping speech)

- I know you can't
guess, so I'll tell you.



It's our old pal Dom DeLuise.

(cheering and applause)

- How ya doin'?

Oh, it's good to be here.

I have a question for you, gang.

- What?

- [Patti Okay.
- [Ruth] Yes.

- Who negotiates
for North Vietnam

and has three nephews
named Huey, Dewey, and Louie?

- Oh oh oh!

- Donald Duc Tho.

(cheering)

- Who is the premier
of Chinese Disneyland?

- Who?



- Chairman Mickey Mao.

(laughing and cheering)

- Aw, we...
- [Group] Yes.

- What famous inventor, Sarah,

- [Sarah] Yeah?

- Snorted and walked
around on all fours?

- [Sarah] I don't know, who?

- Alexander Graham Bull.

(cheering and laughing)

- Dan.

- What is it?

- What skyscraper in
New York goes around

biting people in the neck?

- [Dan] I haven't the foggiest.

- The Vampire State Building.

(cheering and applause)

- The other day, Richard
Burton really outdid himself

buying presents of
jewelry for Elizabeth Taylor.

Do you know... - No!

- Do you know
what he bought her?

- No.
- [Group] No!

- Neil Diamond.

(groaning and laughing)

- [Sarah] Dom.

- Yes, Sarah.

- Dom, who used to attack women

and then leave money
on the night stand?

- [Dom] I don't know, who, Sar?

- Jack the Tipper.

(laughing and applause)

- What did the sharpshooter
in the Russian Revolution

get a medal for,
yeah, yeah, yeah?

- I don't know, what?

- Karl Marx-manship.

- [Dick] Karl!

(cheering and applause)

- What famous gangster rated
highest with the FBI, Ruth?

- [Ruth] I don't know,
Dan, who, tell me?

- Baby Face Nielsen.

(laughing and applause)

- Talkin' about Nielsens.

What did one robin's
egg say to another?

- What did one what?

- Robin's egg

say to another.
- Robin's egg

say to another.

- I don't know, Richard, what?

- "Ya must be out of your bird."

(laughing)

- All right, here's one.
- Okay!

- You'll never get this.

- Let's hear it.

- Here's one what?

- Who's the poorest
man in the whole world?

- [Group] Who?

- J. Paul Ghetto.

(laughing and applause)

- Boy.

- Listen, whenever I
go anyplace in my car,

I hear this terrible
rattling sound.

What do you think I should do?

- Don't go anyplace.

Come here.

- Hmm.

- There'll be no charge.

(laughing)

- Lily, I know I'm
not wealthy, or

I don't own a yacht
or drive a Cadillac

like Jerome Green,
but I love you.

- I love you, too.

But tell me more
about Jerome Green.

- Godmother, my wife's
been seeing Big Louey,

and I'm really mad.

- Because she's
been cheatin' on ya?

- No, because he's
been cheatin' on me.

(laughing)

- Hello, is this the
Main Street Church?

- [Operator] What
number are you calling?

- Um, 31-B.

- [Operator] Bingo!

(laughing)

- Miss Keiko, could you
come in here please?

(door slamming)

Waaah!

("Pop! Goes the Weasel")

(shrieking and laughing)

Four and five ten
seconds, not bad.

(laughing)

- Yeah, nice to see you.

- Oh, it's good...
Come on, sit down.

- Okay.

- Sit down.

- Tell me, tell me
how's the little woman?

- Well, I'll ask her.

(chuckling)

How are ya, dear?

- [Little Woman] Fine, dear.

- Oh, she says she's fine.

Look at the body on that broad.

(laughing)

(splatting and squeaking)

Oh!

- Uh, say, isn't it
supposed to be bad luck

to open an umbrella
in the house?

- Of course not.

- Oh.

(thunder cracking)

- You ought to oil

your chair, Charlie.
(chair squeaking)

- I did.

That's me squeakin'.

- It's very rude to
squeak with your chair full.

(comedic whistling)

- You men are new
in town, aren't ya?

- Yep.

I just got run outta Abilene for

foolin' around with
a new school marm.

- What about you?

- I was the school marm.

(laughing)

Can I have another
cherry in my drink?

- You know, there's
a very big shake-up

at the (laughing).

At the Acme American Company.

It's reported that heads, heads,

are really gonna roll.

There's a, gimme
that, just gimme that.

Here's how I feel.

After 12 times,
it's... (laughing)

(whirring)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.

With special guest
star Dom DeLuise.

Plus Ruth Buzzi, Dennis Allen,

Richard Dawson, Patti Deutsch,

Sarah Kennedy, Jud Strunk,

Willie Tyler and Rusty,

Lisa Farringer, Frank Welker,

and me, I'm Gary Owens
reminding you I'm Gary Owens,

reminding you, oh who cares.

(laughing)

- [Charlie] Help, help!

Help, help me somebody!

- Charlie.

- [Charlie] Yeah.

- Charlie, are you all right?

- [Charlie] Yeah,
yeah, I'm all right.

- What can I do to help ya?

- [Charlie] Throw me a rope.

- A rope?

Oh, here.

(thumping and splashing)

And here's a
bucket to go with it.

- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

(exciting band music)

(cheering and applause)

- Well.

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for showing up
this evening for Laugh-In.

- I heartily concur
with that supposition

without reservation.

Ha!

- All those big words
come outta you?

- I think so, my
lips were moving.

- Hey, you know,
while I have a minute,

I wanna ask you something.

When did you start
talking to yourself?

- I never talk to myself.

I have nothing to say
that would interest me.

- No, now wait a minute.

I heard you, just
a little while ago,

you were in your dressing
room, you were talking,

and you were in there.

I happen to know you
were in there all by yourself.

- Right, well...

- There wasn't anyone with you.

- I was talking to my echo.

- Talking to your...

- Yeah, I talk, I chat...

- You chat with your echo?

- Yeah, I talk to
him now and then.

He's a little weird,
but you know,

lot of fun.

- You talk with your echo?

- Well, if I don't, who will?

- Oh, for god's sake.

- You wanna hear what
he told me this afternoon?

(chuckling)

- You know, I think
you should see a doctor.

- How did you know he said that?

- No, no, Dick, listen,

you can't talk with an echo.

It's an impossibility.

You cannot talk with an echo.

- I can't?

- No.

You just go ahead
and try it, I'll show you.

You can't talk to an echo.

- Well, I don't know
if I can do it right now.

- Yeah, huh, sure you
don't think you can do it.

- I think he went
out for coffee.

- Don't try to cop out.

Just go ahead and try
and talk with an echo.

- Well, you sort
of have to call him.

- We're waiting, go ahead.

- Well, all right.

Hellooo.

- [Echo] Hellooo.

- Good, he's there.

- [Echo] He's here, he's there.

- He's here, he's there.

What kind of an echo you got?

This some kind of a
dumb trick, you don't have...

- This is my partner, Dan Rowan.

He doesn't believe
you talk to me.

- [Echo] Talk to me, talk to me.

Yeah, he looks a little stupid.

- Wait a minute.

- It's just the mustache.

- Yeah... (chuckling)

- Told you he
was riot, didn't I?

- I don't believe
any part of this.

- Well, echo, thanks
for dropping in.

- [Echo] Dropping
in, dropping...

Could I speak to
alone for a second?

- Sure thing, how
about out in the hall?

- [Echo] In the
hall, in the hall.

- 'Scuse me, Dan.

- [Echo] Excuse me, Dan.

- Hellooo!

Helloooooo!

- Hello, Dan.

Don't you feel a little
silly standing around,

yelling, "Hellooo?"

"Hellooo."

- Thanks for dropping in.

(yelling)

- How 'bout Indian wrestling.

- Okay.

(clapping)

- Running Deer!

- [Running Deer]
Yeah, what is it?

(grunting and groaning)

Ha ha.

- That's Running Deer.

- Listen, fellas, it's now time

for one of my mildly
amusing sneezes.

- Oh.

- Bless you.

- No, no, no, not yet.

Now, like an egg-beater sneezes.

- [Dan] An egg-beater sneezing.

- An egg-beater sneezing.

Ha-sha, ha-sha,

heh-sha.

Now.

- Bless you.

- Gezundheit.

- Ah, yes, yes,
where are we now?

- Now, where are you going?

- Uh, good evening,
Miss Hayworth.

(chuckling)

I am looking for someone
who would like to buy

some fine California
land for only five dollars.

- California land
for only five dollars?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, I'll buy that.

- Well, I'm certainly
pleased to do business.

- Thank you.

- There we are.

I brought this back from
my last trip to Sausalito.

- Wire for Ten Cohen,
wire for Dan Rowan.

- I'm Dan Rowan.

- And here's your wire, sir.

I hope you're
very happy with it.

- This morning's insane.

- Oh, I'm a surgeon

- Steady, steady, steady.

- I have to do a delicate pro...

- You have to do a what?

- You're a surgeon?

You're drunk.

- So's the patient.

- Would you... hi.

Would you care
for a spot of tea?

- Well, I certainly would.

(water splashing)

- There you are.

I'll be back later with a
spot of banana creme pie,

which is a lot more fuzzy.

(applause)

- Oh.

- Oh, boy.

You know, Harry, all
my life I never smoked,

drank, or chased women.

Oh, now here I
am just an old man.

- You're not just
an old man, Charlie.

- Yeah.

- You're a stupid old man.

(laughing)

- I, oo!

(pounding)

Ah!

Godmother, a man last
night came to my house,

and he tied me up.

And then he made
love to my wife.

And then he ran off.

- What do you want me to do?

- My wife wants his
telephone number.

(drumroll)

- You know I had a twin brother?

But they made a
coffee table outta him.

- Dom.

- Yeah?

- I have this friend who
thinks he's a male salmon,

and every year, he swims up
the Columbia River to spawn.

- That's ridiculous.

- Well, of course it is.

The female salmon spawns.

- What does your friend do?

- Oh, I don't know,
but whatever it is,

this is the fifth time he's
been named father of the year

on the Columbia River.

- Hi, it's time to
hit road with Lisa.

Tonight, I am here
visiting the Club Whoopee,

a Polynesian
paradise for swingers,

where people come
to lose their inhibitions.

Now today, I asked one couple

if they were
enjoying themselves,

but I never found out.

They were too busy enjoying
themselves to answer.

Whoo-pee.

- Ah!

- Oh, hi boss, what's new?

- Well, Crowley, the
board just had a meeting,

and we've got some
good news for you.

And we've got some
bad news for you.

- What's the good news?

- The good news is
that we're gonna give you

a lavish testimonial
retirement dinner.

- Hey, but I'm not
planning on retiring.

- Ah ha ha!

That's the bad news.

(swinging band music)

- You did that on purpose.

Now, don't try to
say that you didn't.

You know as well as I
that there are no bears

in this part of the woods.

Admit it.

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry I
took a shot at your mother.

(groaning)

- Now, here's Mama Cass to
sing I've Got a Crush on You.

- Gee, I'm lonely.

- In that case, why don't
you try Dr. Goldfarb's

cure for loneliness?

- What is that?

- Mrs. Goldfarb.

(laughing)

- Oh, hello.

- Good morning.

- Well, I seem to be
having some trouble.

Could you take a
look at my front end?

- I'd be glad to,
and then a little later,

I'll look at your car.

Not to mention your suspension.

- My suspension?

- I told you not to mention it.

- I know.

- Hey, Manny, I think
he broke my tooth.

- How 'bout your mouthpiece?

- Good idea.

I'll call him right
after the fight.

- [Manny] Okay, go ahead.

(fun chime and horn music)

- Okay, Alphonse,
give me a light trim.

- Oh, hey, man, it's
gonna be a 30-minute wait.

- 30-minute wait?

Oh, I'm in a big hurry.

Here, you trim it, and
I'll be back on Thursday.

(papers crinkling)

(birds chirping)

- Dear John, I don't
love you anymore.

I'm going away with Jim.

- Dear Frances, I
don't love you anymore.

I'm going away with Gertrude.

(sighing)

(upbeat carnival music)

- Jim.

- Gertrude.

(funny kazoo music)

- Uh, psst.

(smacking)

And let that be a lesson to ya.

People ask me where
are the comedians

of tomorrow coming from.

And my answer
is, uh, Philadelphia.

By bus.

See, if you live
in Philadelphia,

you either have a
good sense of humor,

or you're a pigeon.

And if you're a pigeon,
you should get two sparrows,

fly north, and share expenses.

(dishes clattering)

- Hey!

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, give me a peanut
butter sand'ich, no bread.

- One butter sandwich, no bread.

Wait a minute.
- Huh?

- What do you mean a peanut
butter sandwich, no bread?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Don't get excited.
- All right.

- Don't get excited.
- Okay.

- Put out your hand.
- Okay.

- All right, here you go.

One peanut butter
sandwich, no bread.

- Thank you.
- All right, here you go.

- Thank you.
- Beautiful.

Here, let me get
that thumb for you.

- Aw, nice.

- Here you go.

Now, what do you wanna drink?

- I'll have a cup of coffee,
no cream, no sugar, no cup.

- One cup of coffee...
You're kidding.

Put your hand out.

- Okay.

- Here you go.
(coffee splashing)

Hey, you're a beautiful lady.

- Aw, that's it, thank you.

- Alright, here, here's the
cream when you want it.

- Thank you.

(jangly piano music)

(sticks clacking)

- Oh my... Oh, Jud,
am I glad to see you.

Have you got
something that will keep

my false teeth from falling out?

- Sure.

- You do?

(laughing)

(drumroll)

- On this date in
history, P.T. Barnum

spoke to the Plumbers'
Association of America

and stated, "Two heads
are better than one."

- Oh, Harry, you've
had an exciting life.

- Oh, yeah?

- You're the only
guy here who's ever

had a date with Zsa Zsa.

- Yep.

- Or Sophia Loren.

Raquel Welch, and then
there was Jill St. John.

- Oh yeah.

And I'm only 25.

- Godmother.

- What is it this time, Rocco?

- Godmother, the boys said that

if I don't give up my territory,

they're gonna make
me a cement overcoat.

- Well, what do
you want me to do?

- Do you think they have
it in a nice glen-plaid,

and I like pleats in
the back, you know.

And if it has a
big ruffled front.

- Captain, captain,
the wing is on fire.

- Fire shouldn't be any problem.

The wing's gonna fall
off in about three minutes.

By the way, what comes
after "hallowed be thy name?"

- Last night, there was a
man hiding under my bed.

I've never been so furious.

He was my date, and it
was me he was hiding from.

- Okay, men,

this is gonna be one of
our most important missions.

We attack tomorrow
at 0600 hours.

- General, why can't we attack
some time in the afternoon,

say around, 1500?

- Dummy, that's when The
Datin' Game comes on, isn't it?

When he gets to pick
bachelor number three.

- The bishop had to have a
talk with Father Lawrence again.

- Oh, dear.

What about this time?

- Well, the bishop
says modern religion

or no modern religion,
it just doesn't look right

for a priest to be
writing Dear Abby.

- He may be right.

(giggling)

But it sounds kinda kicky.

(laughing)

- I'll the watch, captain.

- Here you are.

Here's the watch.

I suppose you want
my ring and my wallet.

- The Jack LaLanne
Story, take one.

(clicking)

Two, three, four.

- Hey, waiter, where's my soup?

- It went to make a phone call.

Here's another cup.

That will be 25
cents for the soup.

- Hey, there's a
bug in that soup.

- Let me look.

(spoon clattering)

Throw it over there.

You know, he's very
lucky you came along.

He could've drowned.

That'll be 20
cents for the soup.

- I oughta report you to
the Better Business Bureau.

- That's a great idea.

I been hoping business
would get better for a long time.

Give me 15 cents for the soup.

- Why, no decent
person would eat in here.

- I'll have you know
the Galloping Gourmet

came in here the other
night, sat in that very chair.

Got as sick as a dog.

Not to mention Julia Child.

- What about Julia Child?

- I told you not to mention her.

Give me 10 cents for the soup.

- I got a good idea to report
you to the health department.

- You call that a good idea?

That's a terrible idea.

I know a good idea
when I hear one,

and that's definitely terrible.

Give me a nickel for the soup.

- I'm gettin' outta here.

- Now, that's a good idea.

(upbeat jazzy piano music)

And that soup is terrible.

I'm surprised a bug liked it.

Tastes like furniture polish.

Had an uncle who died
of furniture polish once.

A sad end, but
a beautiful finish.

(laughing and applause)

- Lisa here at the Club Whoopee.

One man I talked to said
the minute he hit the beach,

he jump for joy.

Then, Joy jumped at him.

And before you knew it,

everybody was
having a grand old time.

Whoo-pee.

- I understand that the
Scotch tape company

is merging with the
Skippy company,

and they are
manufacturing peanut butter.

It not only sticks to
the roof of your mouth,

you can write on it.

(cracking whip)

(funny kazoo music)

- How long you been in here?

- Oh, I'm not sure anymore.

You know how time flies
when you're havin' a good time.

Hit me with that thing, will ya?

(silly whistling)

- Let us not grieve
for our brother,

for he has passed
on to a better world.

(silly whistling)

- I see you're going on a diet.

That'll be $15, please.

- $15, that's all
the money I have.

I won't be able to eat tonight.

- Oh, there, you see?

(chuckling)

I shoulda charged you 20
for that kind of information.

I'm terrific.

(bell ringing)

- I'll be with you
in a minute, sir.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

- My wife is very nervous
because she's oversexed.

Can you help her?

- Yeah, I can help her,

but I don't get off
work until six o'clock.

(laughing)

- Hey, you remember
Frank Welker.

- Wonderful guy.

- Yeah, been on the show
all through the seasons,

talented guy.
- Yeah.

- Well, he's about
to do a thing.

He's gonna play two parts.

- What?

- That's right, Dick Cavett.

- And Peter Falk.

- That's right, at
the same time.

- Simulta-menemous...
- Almost.

- Uh, good evening, everyone.

This is Dick Cavett.

Uh, I think, I'm not sure.

Oh, gosh, of course
it's me, I'm being silly.

Anyway, we have
great show tonight.

The sensational sleuth is here,

Lieutenant Columbo,
or Peter Falk.

Welcome, Peter.

- Oh, well, thank you.

Say, I'm sorry
I'm late, but, uh,

I got somebody tried to
jump me on the way over here.

- Goodness, gee, I bet it
was the people from Goodwill.

They probably want
your old rain coat back.

Oh gosh, there I go again.

Anyway, how's your show?

- Terrific.

Say, I hope you watch next week

because the co-owner
of this dog food company

knocks out his partner, then
he disguises him as a bone.

Along comes a beagle and
buries him in the backyard.

- Hmm, gee, not that old plot.

- But first, I begin to
suspect skulduggery.

- Good heavens, you
mean skulduggery did it?

- Oh, that's terrible.

I mean, after that
joke, I understand why

your show and my show
have so much in common.

- Uh, gee, I don't
think I understand

because, you see,
you're on once a month,

and it's a mystery.

- Well, that's my point.

You're on once a month, and
the fact that you're on at all,

that's a mystery.

(laughing)

(applause)

- Yes, yes, can I help you?

- Doctor, my gums are bleeding.

What should I do?

- Get off my rug.

- Oh.

Well, what should I...?

- Well, just out,
just away from...

Not on the desk!

- Comrades, Russia is
introducing new America drink

we inwented, Pepski Cola.

Drink for good party,
Communist party.

Drive down to your local
Moscow supermarket.

Put a bottle of Pepski
in your refrigerator.

As soon as you get a car,

and as soon as you
get a refrigerator,

and as soon as we
get a supermarket.

Like all beverages in America,
this bottle is returnable.

There is only one problem,

returning it to America.

So, join the Pepski generation

and fill up your sleeve.

(fun chime and flute music)

- I asked one man here
at the Club Whoopee

if he felt being outdoors
inhibited romance.

He said, "Outdoors?

"Good heavens,
somebody stole my hat."

Whoo-pee.

("Pop! Goes the Weasel")

(crashing)

- Godmother, Godmother, please,

I need you very, very much now.

- Eh.

- One of the boys is
comin' over to give me

the kiss of death tonight.

- What do you want me to do?

- Loan me your mouthwash.

I'm nervous.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
George Jessel is only 22 years old,

but gives the appearance of
a man more mature in years

because he tampered
with his pituitary gland

in order to get social
security payments early.

(romantic string music)

I want to dance with
you, cherie (smacking)

Something with fire
and ash (popping)

I must romance with
you, cherie (cracking)

To a wilder pash (thumping)

What is the news
across the nation

(bumping)

I'd really like to
hear your views

(dinging)

You think you've
got the information

(chomping)

And in a way that
may abuse (crunching)

Without that fear or hesitation

(booming and whipping)

Without that
thrill, that la di da

Nothing we'd like to tell you

Nothing we'd like to sell you

Nothing we'd like to
show the news with Dickie

Nothing we'd like to
show the news with Dan

(applause)

- [Gary] And now, it's
time for the Laugh-In News

with eskimos in Alaska
chillind, dentists drilling,

Mae West willing, and
Raquel Welch trilling.

And now, here's Dan and Dick.

- But first, these
news headlines.

- Wilt Chamberlain and
Willie Shoemaker missing.

Police search high and low.

- Julia Child cooking
program cancelled.

Network showing leftovers.

- Joseph Cotton
attacked by boll weevil.

- Now, with the present news,

here's toughing
it out himself Dick.

- Thank you.

News of the present.

Prevendedence...
- [Dan] Providence.

- Providence...
Providence, Rhode Island.

They changed the name, eh?

- [Dan] Uh, yeah.

- Plastic surgeons report
a phenomenal increase

in the demand for
silicone injections

by flat-chested women.

- [Dan] Is that so?

- Yes.

The most phenomenal
increase in chest measurements

was reported by a go-go
dancer, Bouncy LaTour,

who went from a
size 32A to 108W.

When asked to comment
on this development,

Miss LaTour declared,
(muffled mumbling)

(laughing)

Oh, dear.

That presents an
interesting picture, doesn't it?

- [Dan] Just keep
it going, will ya?

- A woman in
Bollings Moontinina.

- [Dan] In Billings, Montana.

- Billings, Montana.

They changed that one, too.

- [Dan] Yep.

- With 17 children, today
asked the judge for divorce.

When the judge asked why she
wanted to divorce her husband,

she said it was because
she needed the room.

And now, here's
Dan with the future.

That's what you call
going away from a joke.

- You just kept right
on it, didn't you?

News of the future,
20 years from now.

Passage of the new
federal gun control law

completely abolishing firearms

has already produced
noticeable results.

In Texas, a bank
was robbed by a bandit

who threatened
to throw a tantrum.

In an Oregon forest,
two deer were run over

by a hunter on a tricycle.

And while in Tennessee, there
were 19 slingshot weddings.

- [Dick] Hmm.

(laughing)

- Think about it.

News of the future,
20 years from now.

The National Basketball
Association finally decided

to limit the size of its players

when 15-foot Wilt
Chamberlain, Jr. accidentally

stepped through
the basket and fell,

destroying a large
portion of the Grand Stand,

plus the press box and
three cars in the parking lot.

See, he was very
tall, and when he fell,

he just wiped 'em, up!

- Hmm, ah!

- [Dan] There you go.

(laughing)

- Providence, Rhode Island.

- No, no,

you've done that.
- Oh, I've already done that.

- And now the news
from our senior citizens.

- Oh, shut up.

Don't tell me what
the ever news.

I was doing news when
we carved it in stone.

Ho, ha ha.

There's old news tonight.

Vice officers broke
into an apartment

at a senior city and stopped
a wife-swappin' party.

As evidence they confiscated
12 sets of dentures,

three orthopedic shoes,
and one ear trumpet,

which were found in a pile
in the center of the room.

I'd swap my old lady
for any one of 'em.

- Say listen, here's
some interesting thoughts

for the ladies from our home
economist, Meg Cracken.

- Today, I'm gonna teach you how

to prepare stewed
prunes in brandy.

Now first, you get the prunes,

then you get the brandy,
and then you get stewed.

If you'd like a free
copy of this recipe,

just send 25 cents along
with your name and address

on the back of a $10 bill.

And if you're eating
my recipes, you're nuts.

You're supposed
to be eating the food.

(plinking xylophone)

- Now for a Hollywood
scoop with Sarah Kennedy.

- After many wedding
delays and postponements,

David Frost and Diahann
Carroll were finally married.

Due to their many prior
commitments, however,

neither David nor
Diahann were able

to be present at the ceremony.

So in their place were Sammy
Davis, Jr. and Joan Rivers,

who are currently enjoying
a marvelous honeymoon

in the Scottish highlands.

Both said, "This
time, it's for keeps."

- Here's the minority report
with Willie Tyler and Lester.

- Following the success of
the black version of Dracula

called Blacula, plans
were announced today

to remake another classic,

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

- Yeah, man, they
tried, they're gonna call it

Coal Black and the
Seven Little Honkies.

- Hey, man, what's the matter?

- I'm sick of this, man.

- Well, what do you mean?

- Man, all you hear about
today is racial problems,

marijuana, war, and abortions.

- Well, the news is
depressing, isn't it?

- Who's talkin' about the news?

I'm talking about the
new situation comedies.

(plinking xylophone)

- Now to the land below to
see what the devil is happening.

(tires screeching)

(crashing)

- Hey, watch where you're going?

(cars crashing)

Woo, that was a close one.

(laughing)

Oh, hiya, pal.

(laughing)

- Huh huh.

- What'll get me
back on the freeway?

- A miracle.

- Oh, where am I?

- Can't you guess?

Look around.

- I'll take a guess.

- Take a guess.

- You got two horns.

- That's right, two horns.

- You got a forked tail.

- Uh huh,

horns, yeah.
- And it's very hot.

- Come on, you're gettin' close.

Would you tell me?

- Hell?

- You got it.

- What did I do to deserve this?

- Uh, well it coulda
been a lot of things.

- Like what?

- I'll tell ya.

Have you ever bought one of
those pornographic magazines?

- I have never bought a
pornographic magazine.

- Oh, really?

Well, would you like to?

- Well...
- Here.

You can have that for a buck 50.

- I'll take it.

- 75 cents.

(laughing)

Did you ever hold public office?

- I never held public office.

I'm in the wrong...
Don't you understand?

- Hey, hey,

don't do that.
- I'm in the wrong place.

- I had a big, oh, calm down.

(smacking)

- What?

- I'll send for your records.

- Oh, you better hurry,
'cause I'm in a big anger.

- Just wait a minute.

Well, I'm sorry.

Send up the file on
Mr. Harold Frobish.

- Fro-bish, it's Frobish.

- Send up the file

on Mr. Harold Frobish.
- This stuff isn't good

when it gets warm.

- You're tellin' me.

- Yeah. (chuckling)

- Oh, what the... Hey, hey.

- Wowie, who is that?

- That's our Sunday
school teacher.

- Oh, well, then
nevermind my file.

No, nevermind my files.

No, I'm stayin'.

- Oh.

What made you change
your mind, if you don't...

- Well, I mean, after all,

she is gorgeous, and I am a man.

- Well.

- That's funny.

So am I.

- Ah boy, here's Jud Strunk

with the sports news
from Farmington, Maine.

- Hi, sports nuts.

Jud Strunk here at the
Farmington Water Festival

on beautiful Lake Flagstaff.

Now, the idea of this is that
this is the annual boat pull,

and Slewfoot Simpson's
gotta pull Jones' boat here

backwards by flappin'
them boards on his feet,

jump up and land
on an old sunk barge

that is out there somewhere.

Now, you think he can do it?

(whistling)

There goes the boat,
let's look for Slewfoot.

There he is,
flappin' right along,

in our water,
coming up and over,

and do think he's gonna make...?

He made that.

Ain't that terrific?

Back to you, Dan and Dick.

(whistling)

- And here's a report from
the China-Russia border.

- Did you know that in America

they have computers
that can tell

who going to win an
election before it's even over?

- No, but if you hum a
few bars, listen, listen.

It's nothing.

In Russia, hardly there's...

Tell us who is
going to win elections

even before they begin.

- Oh, now that's
where we Chinese

are better off than Russians.

Even people of outer
Mongolia have five-year plan.

- What is that?

- To survive five year.

- Here we have
the Hibernian report.

- From our two Hibernians...

- [Dan] Hiberns.

- Hiberns, Pat and Mike.

(lyrical flute music)

- And speaking of kids...

Who was?
- Who's speaking of...?

- Ah, the kids today
are getting mighty tough.

Last night, the Colgan twins...

- The Colgans?

- Cooolgan twins,

they started fightin'
in Needleman's bar.

- That's O'Needleman.

- O'Needleman.

- O'Bar.
- Then,

when Needleman called the
cops, he nearly brained 'em,

and they fought the police all
the way to the station house.

Those Colgan twins are tough.

- Hey, what Colgan
twins are those?

- Mary and Irene.

- Let's go back to dancin'.

(lyrical flute music)

- From our Laugh-In
bulletin board,

those wishing help on
their 1972 tax returns

may contact the well-known
team of H&M Turgleman

at McNeil Island
federal penitentiary.

Their rates are lower than

most other tax-preparation
organizations.

Ya ya tika Ladies and gents

Love a look at
the news (ticking)

(humorous booming)

(applause)

- Oh, remember
the good old days?

- No, no I don't.

Do you?

- Do I what?

- Oh, I don't remember.

- It wasn't like that
in the good old days.

- Nope.

Do you remember
the good old days?

- No, no I don't.

Do you?

- Do I what?

- I don't remember.

- [Harry And Charlie]
It wasn't like that

in the good old days.

- Lisa again at
the Club Whoopee.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,

for a vacation
resort, this place has

an awful lot of tired people.

One girl told me it's not the
sleepless nights that get you,

it's all that tossing
and turning.

She should know better
than sleep in a hammock.

Whoo-pee.

- Godmother.

(sighing)

Godmother, you gotta do
me this one favor, please.

- What?

- You know my
boy, Don Gichirialla?

- Sure.

- Sure, I know,
you're his godmother.

Hey, I just thought of it.

He wants to open
up a pizza parlor.

- Oh, how can I be of help?

- It's gonna take
a lot of dough.

(groaning)

(popping)

(smacking)

(bell dinging)

(funny kazoo music)

(smacking)

- Dom?

- Yes, Sarah.

- How do you raise lovebirds?

- Oh, that's very simple.

You take a couple of sparrows,

then you get their birdseed.

You add vodka,
and you stand back.

(laughing)

- I've been in this
dungeon for 20 years.

It's driving me crazy
being penned up

into this tiny little cell.

Tomorrow, they're
letting me out.

I'll be free at last.

- What do you plan to then?

- Oh, I think I'll find myself a
nice little room somewhere.

- As I said to my
hairstylist today,

"Don, when it comes to barbers,

"I've gotta take
my hat off to you."

- Hey, Godmother,
you gotta help me.

- What is it now?

- Some men said
they're gonna kill me

if my fighter doesn't take
a dive in the eighth round.

- What do you want me to do?

- Figure out some
way so the bum lasts

till the eighth round.

- Despite many
requests to the contrary,

we're going to eliminate

the question and
answer period tonight

and go right into
a wonderful salute

to the world of
acting and actors.

Now, there are very many myths

we'd like to explode tonight
about the whole profession

of acting and actors.

Many actors, it must
be rea... It must...

You must realize that...

We're saluting actors
and actors tonight, sir.

- Of course you're
saluting actors and actors.

Why do you think
I'm dressed like this?

- Well, maybe you
couldn't find your tutu?

- Wrong wrong.

(chuckling)

I happen to be wearing
one of my uncle's old outfits.

- Well, it looks like more
one of your old aunt's outfits.

(chuckling)

- I snicker up your sleeve.

- You'd better not.

- I happen to come
from a long line of actors.

- Now, I didn't know there were

any thespians in your family.

(laughing)

- I didn't know it
either till we found out

my aunt was playing with
the Green Bay Packers.

(laughing)

- You say this your...

Do you really have an
uncle who was an actor?

- I certainly did, do.

- Do, you did?

- Do dids.
- You do did.

- Do did, do did.

- He was...

- Why, he spent 20
years in the Follies.

- What did he do in the Follies?

- Sitting in the front
row yelling, "Take it off!"

- Didn't he ever do
anything on the stage?

- Well, he tried once, but the
police were there before him.

(laughing)

- Well, come on, I mean did
he have any speaking parts?

- Well, he wanted to, but he
had all his teeth knocked out

performing in a
Cole Porter musical.

- Kiss Me Kate.

- No, Punch Me Harry.

- Punch Me Harry?

I don't know that...
- That's Kate husband.

They caught him in
the dressing room.

- Well, now tell the truth.

- Yes.

- Now, were there really
ever any actors in your family,

who truly, actually,
physically appeared on stage?

- Don't tell me...
- Okay.

- Don't tell me
you've never heard of

Rollo "Two-Ton" Martin.

- I've never heard of him.

- I told you not
to tell me that.

Well, Rollo was the fattest
man to ever play the lead

in Uncle Tom's Cabin.

- He was Uncle Tom?

- And the cabin.

- All right.

- And (indistinct speech).

- Alright, let's take a look
at our salute to actors.

- And a farm, and two
horses, and a tractor.

(stirring orchestral music)

I'm a-glad that I'm an actor

My life is on the stage

I'm grand as Ophelia
Or Lady Macbeth

And I'm just the fellow
for Lear or Othello

You'll love my Lady Tisola

My Hamlet is the rage

So boo us or hiss us
Applaud us or kiss us

My life is on the stage

I often play the villain, ha ha

I'm the damsel in
distress - [Group] Aww.

We are the parents
unbending and proud

I'm sister Sadie whose
past was quite shady

And gawrsh I am the hero Hooray!

I'm the woodsman wise and sage

So bring on the glamour,

The laughs and the drama

My life is on the stage
- All together now.

I'm glad that I'm an actor

The thrill cannot
assuage Yes we are

So what could be greater

Than sheer darn theatre

My life is on the stage

My life is On the stage

(applause)

- You know, I just
saw Old Calcutta.

- How many acts
were there in it?

- Well, let's see, there
were nine in the first scene

and seven in the second.

- Nevermind.

- Oh.

- On Broadway, a
budding actress has to do

a lot of strange
things to get ahead.

Why, just the other
day, some wise guy

tried to get me to act.

(laughing and clapping)

- I was booked to read
Shakespeare on a 747.

- [Dan] Is that so?

- Oh yes, but the whole flight,

they kept me
waiting in the wings.

(laughter and clapping)

- I just saw the black version
of the Broadway musical Hair.

It's called Natural.

(laughter and clapping)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
our costume people,

prop people, and stagehands
have just walked out on strike,

so the actors will do
the best that they can

with tonight's drama,
so please bear with us.

- Maria, where is that maid?

Maria, bring my
dinner jacket instantly.

(door slamming)

- With the strike,
it's all I could find

in the costume room.

- Thank you, Maria.

Ah, hurry, Cecily, we'll
be late for the party.

- [Cecily] Coming, coming.

- Ah, my darling, you
look absolutely ravishing.

You look terrible, what is that?

- Well, it was the
only costume left.

Kiss me.

- Oh, my darling.

(silly boinging)

Ooo.

Would you watch
your tail, please?

- Oh darling, I am so happy.

- Tell me why, darling.

- Well, it's just too bad that
we have this horrid worry

hanging over our heads.

- Oh yes, this
terrible death threat

to shoot me at exactly
six o'clock tonight.

- Yes.

(chuckling)

- Wait, I hear the
grandfather's clock now.

(boat horn blaring)

(mooing)

(door slamming)

(glass shattering)

(phone ringing)

Six o'clock exactly.

I hear a shot.

(buzzing lips)

I think I'm hit.

Yes, I did get it good.

(banging)

- Hello, operator,
get me the police.

Police, come right over.

- I'm from the police.

- What took you so long?

- Ah ha!

- Ah ha.

- Bullet holes in the closet.

- Yes.

- Come out whoever you are.

- Yes.

- Why, it's Fruit of the Loom.

- How dare you?

I'm Hawkins, the butler.

(saxophone droning)

Take that and that.

Oh no, me.

- It's all over for me.

I can't go on.

Oh.

My world has just
collapsed around my head.

(crashing)

(giggling)

- Well, what did you
think of the preview, J.B.?

- Well, it needs
something, it's a little dull.

- A little dull?

- I've got it, nude scenes.

- Nude scenes?

- Nude scenes.

Today's market you need 'em.

Put in a lot of nude scenes.

- Nude scenes?

You got it, J.B.

Just one thing, J.B.,
those nude scenes.

Who do you wanna give 'em to,

Snow White or a
couple of the dwarfs?

- Sarah, did you
know they're making

a musical version
of a Greek classic?

- No, I didn't.

What's it called?

- Oedipus Rocks.

(laughing)

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Dominic the Great,

and I am the greatest
juggler in the whole world, yes.

Tonight, I like to introduce
my assistant, Sharungla.

Here she is, ladies
and gentlemen.

Sharung... Hey, hey, hey.

Before your very eyes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Shagundra is going to hand me

these fantastic dishes,
which I'm going to juggle.

These dishes..

(plates smashing)

Oh wait a minute!

What are you doing?

(plates smashing)

Wait, get... Oh,
give me the dish.

(plate smashing)

(clapping)

Those are three dollars each.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, I'm going to do

another trick for you, that
gonna make your eyes pop out.

I'm gonna take
a dish and a stick,

she gonna get it for me...

oh, I hurt myself...

And then, I'm gonna
juggle the dish on the end.

You're gonna see something
you're gonna really like.

This air is gonna
be... (applause)

What are you clapping?

What are you clapping for?

(indistinct speech)

Give that away with the thing.

I never see no thing
like that in my life.

Now, I'm gonna do
the most fantastic feat

you ever seen
in your life, and...

Look at those fantastic feet.

Get out of here.

Shagundra gonna
get me the clubs,

and I gonna juggle
the clubs in the air.

You gonna see something you,

oh, you gonna like it.

Oh, wait a minute.

Take it easy.

I said wait.

(laughing)

I ain't ready.

Applause, this is it, folks.

(applause)

- Yeah, well, I know an actor

who just made the
filthiest porno film in years.

- [Ruth] No.

- Mm hmm.

The film will be out
in about three weeks.

The actor will be out
in about three years.

- You know, Grace,
I just love matinees.

- Oh, I do too, but
my husband insisted

we come to theater tonight.

I'm glad I am an actor

I get an actor's wage
So love and adore us

Stand up and encore us

My life is on the stage

(exciting orchestral music)

(applause)

- Hi, Lisa again at
the Club Whoopee.

I just talked to another swinger

who said there is so
much hugging and kissing

and romancing going
on, the only way to avoid it

is to come here with your wife.

Whoo-pee.

- Excuse me.

Where can I try these pants on?

- If I were you, I'd try
'em on over your legs.

But then again, I'm not you.

- I'm indignant.

- Oh, certainly, and I'm Jewish.

Am I bothering you?

- Hey, Godmother,
you gotta help me.

- Yeah?

- You gotta help me.

They won't let me 18-year-old
boy graduate from school.

- Well, what do you
want me to do, Rocco?

- Could you help him with
his onesies and twosies?

(ticking)

(crashing)

- Since I came to Hollywood,

there's one thing that I
learned, this is very important.

You must never
stand up at a party

and say, "God save the queen,"

unless you know him personally,

then you can say
whatever you want.

- If a child is stung by a
bee, you should immediately

apply an antiseptic
to its posterior

and cover it with a band-aid.

Now, that takes care of the bee.

As for the child, let him
cry until he gets over it.

- I don't wanna question
the Gabors' reason

for getting married, but I
understand they refer to marriage

as a state of holy matri-money.

(chuckling)

- Hey, Harry, what are you
gonna do when your retire?

- I'm gonna do the
same things I'm doin' now,

just not as fast, or as often.

- I went to the
racetrack the other day,

and I bet on a horse
named Gentleman.

And I know why they
call him Gentleman.

He let everybody go first.

- Wonder if he knows
how to make a Pink Lady.

- Oh, that's easy.

You take off her clothes
and pinch her with tweezers.

- D'you know, there is one
thing I have always wondered.

When eskimos kiss, do
their mouths get in the way?

- How long you in for?

- Well, it depends
on how I behave.

My sentence runs
from 800 years to life.

- They finally got Dean
Martin's hand prints

in the cement at
Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

They weren't supposed to, but
he was crawling home that day,

and he just (chuckling).

- This tree is
perfectly healthy.

It'll live longer
than you or me.

(creaking)

(shrieking)

(crashing)

- If you should
sprain your ankle,

lay down and say, "Ahhh."

Then, spray the swollen area

with pine-scented
room deodorizer.

It won't alleviate the pain,

but you'll think you're
out in the forest.

- Lisa here at the Club Whoopee.

I saw an 89-year-old
man at the beach today

with four beautiful young girls.

I asked him what he was doing,

and he just smiled and
said, "Committing suicide."

Whoo-pee, what a way to go.

(comedic trumpeting)

- Oh, this is a hard one.

One, I'm ready, I'm ready.

One member of the
feminist movement

believes that even her
mouth will never be corrected.

I'll start again.

(rousing horn and drums)

One member of the
feminist movement

believes that even
cattle should be freed.

She's not only a woman's libber,

she's a calves lib... (laughing)

(rousing horn and drums)

One member of the
feminist movement.

Don't move, I have it,

I have it all in my mind.

(rousing horn and drums)

One member of the
feminist movement

really believes that
cattle should be freed.

She's not only a woman's libber,

she's a calve's liver.

(laughing)

(rousing horn and drums)

One member of the
feminist movement believes

that even cattle
should be freed.

She's not only a woman's libber,

she's a calve's libber.

(chuckling)

(applause)

- You know, I
can't understand it.

My package from the
wine of the month club

hasn't come yet, and what
could've possibly happened to it.

- Beats me.

- Hey, Godmother.

Hey, Godmother,
you gotta help me.

Tony Peru came to
my apartment last night,

and Godmother, he
gave me the kiss of death.

I'm scared, Godmother.

- Why are you scared?

- I liked it.

(tennis ball thwacking)

(humorous booming)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to thank

our special guest, Dom DeLuise,

for being on the show tonight.

- Oh, thank you.

(applause)

Thank you very much.

Oh, I had the best time.

I love doin' all
those silly jokes.

- Yeah, well, before
we say goodnight.

- Say goodnight?

No, I was just getting rolling.

Wait a minute, what
do you get when

you cross a six-legged
hummingbird with a wheelbarrow?

- No, Dom, Dom,

no, the show's
just about over with.

- No, no, no, it can't be over.

No, I don't get to the
show like this every week.

Now I'm just
getting in the mood.

Okay, would you like to
hear the time my grandmother

got locked in a filing cabinet
with six saxophone players

and a drummer from Detroit?

- Listen, Dom, believe
me, we've run out of time.

- Oh, wait a minute.

What about the time
the orangutan said,

"Hi, Siamese twins.

- No, no.

- "What are you rolling
down the Potomac for?"

- I think there's only
one way to shut him up.

- I'm afraid you're right.
- No, listen,

wait a minute, I... (splashing)

- Well done.

Thanks for being our guest.

(sputtering and mumbling)

(laughing and applause)

Dom DeLuise.

- Dom DeLuise.

And if you want even more
pleasure, ladies and gentlemen,

watch what we're
going to do next week.

- Yeah, there it is.

- Ha ha ha.

(rising whistling)

- [Gary] We'll have a lot
of fun with Ernest Borgnine,

(applause)

Sammy Davis, Jr.,

Robert Goulet,

Rip Taylor,

and Jo Anne Worley.

(applause)

- Well, sir, as we
were trying to explain

to Dominic the Great.

- Dominique!

- Yes, it's time
to say goodnight.

- Speaking of Pittsburgh.

- Speaking of Pittsburgh?

- Did I ever tell you
that I knew a man

who was in surgery
for over five hours?

- No...

- And was out of the
hospital playing golf

that very afternoon.

- Dick, wait a minute.
- Huh?

- A man was in surgery

for over five hours, - Right.

Was playing golf
that afternoon?
- Yes.

- That's impossible.

Who was that?

- The surgeon.

(chuckling)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, everybody.

(applause)

(exciting band music)

- What do you want
me to do, Rocco?

- [Rocco And Godmother]
Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

(chirping)

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Uh, goodnight.

Goodnight, Dick.

- [Sarah And Willie]
Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

(muffled bonking)

- Night, Dick.

(yawning)

- [Willie And Dom]
Goodnight, Dick.

- Uh, goodnight,

Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

(muffled bonking)

Ooo.

- [Sarah And Patti]
Goodnight, Dick.

- [Devil And Dom]
Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- [Group] Goodnight, Dick.

(rattling chiming)

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Oh, 'scuse me.

I'm sorry, am I bothering you?

Because if I am, I
can come back...

I'm sorry, all I
wanted to say was, uh,

goodnight, Dick, or
something like that.

I'm sorry, do I offend you?

(silly kazoo music)

(bell ringing)

(bell ringing)

(woman screaming)

(sticks clattering)

(crunching)

(silly whistling)

(cymbal crash)

(woman sobbing)