Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 14 - Episode #6.14 - full transcript
- Hello again everyone,
I'm Howard Cosell
here with the so-called
comedy team of
Dan Martin and Dick Rowan.
(laughter)
- You've got that wrong, Howard.
- Forgive me, you're right.
You've never been
called a comedy team.
Let me take this
one step further.
Many comedy teams
will go down in the annals
of show business
history, whereas these two
will just go down,
and down, and down.
(audience laughter)
- You know, he started
out like he wasn't
going to like us, you know?
- Furthermore, you
all know that most
comedy duos are made
up of one intelligent
straight man and
one obvious fool.
Now come on guys,
name the one hard
hitting joke you've ever done.
- Hard hitting?
Well, here's a
punchline for you.
(smack)
(audience laughter)
(smack)
(audience laughter)
- You got a doubleheader.
- Right.
(audience applause)
- Don Meredith here.
- I had no idea that Dick Martin
loved to play baseball so much,
but every time I
see him, he says
he struck out again.
- Hi, I'm Alex
Karras and I'm happy
I got out of
football when I did.
It's such a violent,
violent sport.
I remember one time I
suffered three broken ribs
and a crushed vertebrae,
and that was just
during the contract
negotiation folks.
(audience laughter)
- You know, girls must
really flock around you
when you make a
public appearance.
- Yeah, I make a
splash wherever I go.
- Anything you say.
(audience laughter)
(water splashing)
- [Dispatcher] One
Adam 12, One Adam 12.
There's a 2736 at the corner of
Hollywood and Vine.
- Wait a minute, we're
at Hollywood and Vine.
What's a 2736?
- I don't know, I'll look it up.
273.
2736, yeah, yeah.
That's a police car on fire.
(rimshot)
(audience laughter)
- Yes sir, I'll tell you
what's kept me hopping
for the past few years.
- Oh, what?
- Wrinkled plums.
(rimshot)
- Tonight I'm going to bring you
famous old whoopie
quotations, such as
you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him whoopie.
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Hey, hey sweetheart, baby.
You're cute.
- Oh geez.
- How'd you like
to be on Broadway.
- Oh I'd love to!
- Great.
- Hey geez.
- It's four floors down.
- Really?
(audience laughter)
(slide whistle)
- Give my regards.
(audience laughter)
When you get there.
(audience laughter)
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Yes, do you have any books
on check forgery?
- Check forgery?
Let me look.
Yes, here it is.
- Oh good, good.
Will you accept a check?
(audience laughter)
- I'd like to see
your best suit.
- Certainly, come over here.
Here's a very
nice suit, it's $300.
- Well I was hoping
you'd have something
a little more expensive.
- All right, it's $600.
(audience laughter)
- Fine, I'll take it.
- You got it.
(audience laughter)
You got a feeling
we're in the wrong skit.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
- Lost on Hollywood
Boulevard, saber tooth tiger,
answers to the name of Simba.
Reward and all
hospital expenses.
(audience laughter)
- Here's a dollar,
give me a kiss.
- Here's two dollars, forget it.
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- I was almost
attacked in the park
the other night,
but some stupid cop
came along and
chased the guy away.
- I don't mind this
but tomorrow I have to
get all my teeth pulled.
(audience laughter)
- I don't wanna sound conceited
but I'm probably the most
humble man in the world.
- [Gary] It's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With tonight's cameo guests
Howard Cosell, Alex Karras,
Chip McCord, Martin Milner,
Vin Scully.
Plus Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen, Richard Dawson,
Abby Big, Sarah Kennedy,
Willie Tyler and
Lester, Lisa Farringer,
and tonight's surprise guest,
we'll tell you who it is
at the end of tonight's program.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this suggestion
for land developers.
Have you ever
thought of injecting
silicone into the ground?
- About 15 years
ago your husband
invested and bought
a piece of the rock.
- Yes, I'm so glad
he had that foresight.
Now that he's gone
that piece of rock
will really help me out.
- Well, I'm sure it will.
(thunk) (audience laughter)
And here it is.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- That's very nice of you.
What a great group tonight.
- What a good group.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Hey what would you
like to talk about tonight?
- Well, if there are
any Nazi soldiers
in the audience, I
suggest you leave now
because I'm about
to tell all I know.
- Well that ought to
take about 20 seconds.
- Nevertheless.
- Nevertheless.
- I am sure that you'll
recall my telling you
that during World War I I...
- The second World War.
- Second World
War, the same one.
- That I was the famous
spy Madame Lefarge.
- Yes I do remember
you telling me that.
How could I forget it?
At least once a week
you still put on a dress.
(audience laughter)
- Nevertheless.
- Be that as it may.
- I have not been
able to tell up until now,
the identity of my accomplice,
who played the role of my
youngest daughter Claudine.
- Ah ha, and tonight
you're going to tell us.
I can hardly wait.
- Well I'll tell you.
Claudine was none other than
my faithful dog, Old Blue.
(audience laughter)
- How could you make
a dog look like a woman?
- It's a military secret,
but I'll whisper it to you.
- A padded bra?
- Sshh! (audience laughter)
- Come on!
All right, I'm
gonna go along with
this ridiculous story.
How did your dog infiltrate
behind enemy lines?
- Well first he'd
sniff around a tree.
(audience laughter)
- No, no, come on now!
This dog of yours, Old Blue,
how'd he get the name Old Blue?
- Well when he was a puppy
I put this tiny,
little collar on him.
And as he grew up I
never took the collar off.
(audience laughter)
- Yes I got the picture.
- He never did learn
to bark very well.
(audience laughter)
- Sort of a strangled cough.
- (Yips)
- Yes I get it.
What kind of dog was Old Blue?
- Well he was a mixed breed.
- A mixed breed.
- But very carefully mixed.
- Is that right?
- He was part dalmatian,
part French poodle,
part St. Bernard,
part Labator Retriever,
- Labator?
- Labator retriever.
- A Labrador retriever.
- Yes, and part reindeer.
(audience laughter)
- Tell me about the reindeer.
- All right, honey.
(audience laughter)
But first, let me tell
you about the dog!
- All right tell me
about the dog.
- All right, what he'd do,
is he'd sneak up on the enemy,
and instead of biting them-
- He wouldn't bite 'em.
- He'd put out their cigarette!
- That's the dalmatian?
- That's the dalmatian, right.
Then he'd knock them
down and knock off their hat
so he could run
after it, catch it,
and bring it back to them.
- And that's the
labator retriever?
- Right. (audience laughter)
And then he'd give
them a drink of brandy.
- The St. Bernard.
- That's the St. Bernard.
Then he'd lick their
face, blow in their ears,
and give them a hickey.
(audience laughter)
- That's the French poodle?
- That's the French
poodle, right.
- Where does the
reindeer come in?
- It gave them a
place to put their hats!
(audience laughter)
(both laughing)
- Well where is Old Blue now?
- Well it's a long story.
- Oh well then nevermind.
- I'll never forget it.
(audience laughter)
We're on the beach at Normandy,
(marching music)
June six... June six.
- D-Day?
- No, it was D night.
- After d day?
- After d day.
(audience laughter)
We were waiting for sunrise,
and the arrival of
the allied forces.
Old Blue had literally
al-an-night-ten-ated-
- Annihilated?
- Annihilated!
The enemy on the beach.
All you could see,
for miles around,
were hundreds of
hickey'd Hessians.
- Hickey'd Hessians!
- Yes!
Happy but kickey'd.
- Yes!
We were victorious because
of the most devastating
military tactic.
- What was it?
- Hit them when
they least expect us.
- I don't understand.
- The day to remember.
June 6th, 1955!
- But wait a minute!
Hold it!
1955?
The war'd been
over for ten years.
- That's right, that's when
they least expected us!
(audience laughter)
- What are ya yelling for?
- I don't know, I got the job!
(audience laughter)
(both laughing)
- [Dispatcher] One
Adam 12, One Adam 12,
we've got 14 men, armed
with sub machine guns.
- Good, what else you got?
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- Meanwhile, back
at the cocktail party.
(disco music)
- In the interest of
national security,
the government's making
a special custom car
for Vice President Agnew.
Specially designed
so that no matter what
he can't get out.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- What I want to know is,
if the three television networks
had such great shows
lined up for this fall,
why did they have
such great shows
lined up for January?
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Hey watch it man,
there's a bumblebee
near your shoulder.
- Man, I ain't worried
about no kinda bees.
No kind!
But I ain't too
crazy about wasps.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- There is a rumor,
probably unfounded,
that Joe Namath
is being considered
as the next head of the FBI.
If he gets the nod the
new ten most wanted list
will include Jill St.
John, Raquel Welch,
Claudia Cardinale, The Supremes.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Oh ho!
Oh I'm sorry Mary.
Hey how would you like
to come up to my place
around nine tonight?
- Don't you think I'm
a little young for you?
- Maybe you're right.
How about, make it 10 o'clock,
you'll be older then.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Speaking of the godfather,
Dan have you heard of the
new syndicate body stocking?
- No I haven't.
- It comes with a
body already in it.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Sophia Lauren, Gloria
Steinem, Golda Meir,
the Lennon Sisters.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Ay, what's happening?
- Ay!
- Could I have a drink?
- Sure.
- With a little kick.
- Oh yeah.
Here's your drink.
And, here's your kick.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- I heard that there are
an awful lot of
ministers out of work.
- Oh it must be true.
The other day I
saw a lot of people
kneeling in the
unemployment line.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Do you think men
should be sterilized?
- Well gee, Ruth, I don't know.
I mean how can they stay
in a pan of boiling
water that long?
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- According to
the administration,
there's no more credibility gap.
And now all they have to do
is find somebody
who'll believe that.
(audience laughter)
- Helen Gurley Brown,
Girl Scouts of America.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Oh!
What are you
thinking about, Harry?
- I was just making
some plans for the future.
- What are you planning?
To retire and live out
your years in luxury?
- Nope, no I'm
planning to get up
and go to the bathroom.
(audience laughter)
- So I said to
Sitting Bull, oh yeah!
(audience laughter)
- Baseball fans thrilled
Willie Mays last night,
when as a surprise
tribute, 25,000 New Yorkers
rushed to Harlem and had,
Say Hey Willie spelled
out in White folks.
- Howard Cosell
and I just got through
making a movie called
The 500 Pound Jerk.
I play the 500 pounder,
and Howard had the other lead.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(audience laughter)
- A lot of young
swimmers have asked
what's the best
way to get to the
next Olympics in Montreal?
I just tell them,
swim to Vermont and take a left.
(audience laughter)
- You know I was telling Dick
I had just come
from a great nighttime
double header, and
it took him 20 minutes
before he realized I was
talking about two
baseball games.
(audience laughter)
- When we last left the Farkels,
Fannie Farkel was going
to have a baby any day now.
Let's find out if
today is the day,
as Frank Farkel says...
- What have you got there Frank?
- Pickles and ice cream, Fannie.
- Pickles and ice cream?
- Did you buy that because
Fannie is going to have
a baby any day now?
- A baby any day now.
Have some pickles and ice cream.
- Don't mind if I do!
- So Fannie Farkel is going
to have a baby any day now.
Tune in next week when
we hear Ferd Berfel say,
- Ow, my stomach hurts.
(audience laughter)
- All right lady, your
money or my life.
- Oh I'm afraid you've
got that mixed up.
- Oh I'm sorry, all
right. (clears throat)
Your life or my money!
- I'll take your money.
- Okay.
- Ooh!
(audience laughter)
Now that I've got your money
I don't think you'll
need your gun.
- Thanks very much.
- Bells of St. Mary's, take one.
(bells ringing)
(audience laughter)
- Good evening, sports
fans and aficionados
of the grid iron classic
also known as football.
This is Harriet Cosell.
Tonight I am speaking to you
from the pretentious
beachfront condominium
of my beloved offspring
and son, Howard Cosell.
Howard, Howard, Howard.
How are ya, Howard Cosell?
- I'm fine, mom.
- It amazes me that you can say
you're fine, Howard,
light of my life.
When in fact you're not fine.
Don't you realize
millions of Americans
have listened to
your performance
on Monday Night Football?
They have heard
you talk, Howard.
- But mom!
- Boy have they heard you talk,
Howard, Howard, Howard Cosell!
You verbalize while dandy
Don is trying to analyze.
And you exhort
while faultless Frank
is attempting to report.
I feel I can tell
you this, Howard,
as you are one of my
oldest and dearest children.
(audience laughter)
Howard, you have a big mouth.
And I do not know
from whence it came.
(audience laughter)
- Football games are
really becoming very violent.
I understand the
Pentagon is thinking
about sending in advisors.
- Once Marlon Brando made
me a whoopie I couldn't refuse.
Oh wee!
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
(upbeat music)
You gotta be a good sport
A really fabulous sport
You gotta cover ground
While running 'round
The old tennis court
And even when you forget
To serve it over the net
You gotta be a real good sport
I started having a ball
A really bell of a ball
You mustn't ever
quibble When you dribble
Give it your all
Let's see your confident grin
When you're dropping it in
You gotta have a great big ball
You gotta know where it's at
When you're up at the bat
Gotta know all the bases to run
You gotta step on the gas
When you run for a pass
Or you'll really
be missing the fun
You've gotta give it a try
You've gotta be a good guy
You've gotta keep it rolling
When you're bowling
Mustn't be shy
It may not be what you like
But it can lead to a strike
You gotta be a real
good guy That's right
You gotta be a good sport
A really fabulous sport
You mustn't hit the
floor Because the score
Is coming up short
Forget the trouble you're in
You gotta play it to win
You gotta be a real good sport
You gotta be a real
good Always feel good
Be a real good Sport Have a ball
(audience applause)
- What, what happened?
- I tell ya, champ,
you tripped over the
rope getting in the ring.
(audience laughter)
- Hi, hon!
- Oh hi!
- Is dinner ready?
I don't wanna be late for
my first big major league game.
- Oh I'm so proud!
My husband, a major
league baseball umpire!
Are you nervous?
- Me, nervous?
Of course not.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- I was watching
football yesterday
and I saw a quarterback draw.
- Quarterback draw?
What's a quarterback draw?
- Oh in a good season
about 150 grand!
(audience laughter)
- Okay Mulligan, I
want you to get out there
and win this one for the Gipper.
- Uh, hey coach,
who's the Gipper?
- He's my bookie.
(audience laughter)
- You know that
when the Senators
were in Washington,
they sure committed
a lot of errors and foul balls.
- Yeah, you're right.
The baseball team
wasn't too hot either.
(audience laughter)
- Show me a man
who thinks baseball
is the national pastime,
and I'll show you a man
who never learned
to play doctor.
(audience laughter)
- And another thing,
there's that son of ours.
I demand punctuality
at the dinner table.
- He's probably still at
baseball practice, dear.
- Yes, well it's five
seconds to six now.
If he is not here at six,
I shall count him out.
One, two, three!
(screeching)
- Safe! (audience laughter)
- My boyfriend used to spend
the whole weekend
watching football.
- Yeah?
- Yeah but I cured him of that.
- How?
- Okay, now when they
put their back field in motion,
got that?
So do I!
(audience laughter)
- Well kid, your
wrestling career
is right at the top now!
You already beat the Masked
Marvel, the Ghostly Ghoul.
Tonight you go up
against the Invisible Marvel.
- Yeah, what's he look like?
- What do you mean,
what's he look like?
He's sitting there
in the corner.
- There's nobody there.
- I told you, he's invisible.
- Don't worry, I
got all the others,
and I'll get him.
(bell dings)
(thuds)
- One, two, three!
And the winner!
The Invisible...
Hey wait, hold it!
I demand a fair chance.
I wasn't ready!
- Wanna try again?
- Sure!
- Okay, okay!
Just keep your eye on him,
he's a very tricky opponent.
(audience laughter)
(bell dings)
(audience laughter)
- I got him pinned.
I got him... One, two-
(audience laughter)
- Oh, hey, ooh!
(audience laughter)
I'll get him.
I'll get him!
Oh, wee, ha!
Ooh, ha ha!
- One, two, three!
Microphone!
And the winner!
The Invisible Marvel!
You're quite a man,
Invisible Marvel!
(woman breathing heavy)
- [Marvel] Thank you!
But I'm not a man!
I'm a woman.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, what do
you say we make it
three out of five, huh?
(audience laughter)
(woman laughing)
- [Marvel] Ooh stop! (laughing)
- I got something
there, I'm not sure what.
(audience laughter)
- Did you hear about the
frustrated baseball player?
- No.
- Yeah, he always
struck out at home.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I'd like to
volunteer my services
to an all girl football team.
- As the coach?
- No.
- Referee?
- Uh-Uh.
As the playing field.
(audience laughter)
I love the broads.
- Ooh.
- That was, without a doubt,
the lousiest first half of
football I have ever seen.
And you, the Green Bay Whoopies,
the first all-girl football team
to get a game with
a men's football team
and look what happens.
- Well what'd we do wrong?
- Well first of all
you didn't score.
- We tried!
- It wasn't our fault.
- All right, look,
wait a minute.
Stay out of their huddle.
Kowalski, next time
you tackle a fullback
let him up!
- It wasn't my fault,
he didn't want to get up!
- And O'Reilly,
on the end around,
why didn't you go
for the halfback?
- 'Cause I thought the
tackle was much cuter.
(all laughing)
- Wait a minute,
hold everything.
Let's try a play.
Kowalski, you be the
center, you two be the guards,
I'll be the quarterback,
and we'll work on a play.
First I'll check the
defen... Watch it!
- All right, hold it,
I'll be the center.
(all talking at once)
Cut it!
Will ya cut it!
Nevermind.
Let's use our imagination
and check our
defense, all right?
All right, I'm Joe Namath,
I'm gonna fade
back to throw a pass.
- Uh-Huh, yeah.
- As I go back to pass,
what are you going to do?
- (All scream) Joe!
(audience laughter)
- Oh Joe!
- Well coach, do
you think that will
do the trick with the defense?
- I don't know about that,
but it's doing wonders for me.
Howard Cosell, wherever you are,
eat your heart out.
- How could Howard,
Howard, Howard
my son, my son, my
son, eat his heart out
with his foot in his mouth?
- That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
(rimshot)
- You know at the
Olympics in Germany,
during one event, they had to
disqualify the East
German contestant.
- Why?
- Instead of
jumping the hurdles,
he tried to tunnel
his way under them.
(audience laughter)
- So Patty.
- [Patty] I'm listening.
- I know a girl who's
a real golf widow.
- You mean her husband
plays golf all the time?
- Not anymore, she ran over him
with his electric cart!
(audience laughter)
- You two have a good
time playing golf today, dear?
- No I didn't.
Seems every time
I want to hit the ball
somebody wanted to play through.
Well, goodnight.
- Mind if we play through?
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- While you're in training,
do you have much time for girls?
- Sure I swim every
night with a girl in my pool.
- No kidding, is it heated?
- Heck no, I don't wanna
get her in hot water.
(audience laughter)
- I have a question.
If horse racing is
the sport of kings,
does this mean drag
racing is the sport of queens?
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- Do you have any
books on soccer?
- Speak up a little bit
please, I'm hard of hearing.
- I said, do you sell
books on soccer?
- Books on what?
- Soccer!
Soccer!
- If you say so. (smack)
(audience laughter)
- Las Vegas wants to enter into
international
sports competition.
So, so, so, in 1976
they're going to have
an Olympic crap shooting team!
(audience laughter)
- What are you doing?
- I'm watching a tennis match
between Wilt Chamberlain
and Mickey Rooney.
(audience laughter)
- The toughest
interview I ever had
was with Willie Shoemaker.
But I learned my
lesson, next time
I'm gonna wait for
the horse to stop.
(audience laughter)
Be a real good Sport Have a ball
- You can create
that wintery effect
on your front lawn
by quick freezing
your husband in a Santa suit,
and propping him
up against a pine tree.
(audience laughter)
- In the words of
Teddy Roosevelt,
speak softly and
carry a big whoopie.
(audience laughter)
- I really need some money.
I've got nothing left to pawn
but the clothes on my back.
How much will you
give me for this shirt?
- Ten cents.
- Ten cents, is that all?
- That's all.
(audience laughter)
I'll still give you
a dime for it.
- Oh thank you.
God bless you.
How about my shoes?
- Let's see 'em.
I'll give you 25 cents.
- Twenty five cents?
You drive a hard bargain.
How about my pants,
and my socks and garters.
Now look at those garters,
those are not your
everyday garters.
- I'll give you 75 cents
for the whole works.
- Seventy five
cents for the whole?
What does that come to?
- Um, a dollar ten.
- A dollar ten.
Oh thank you, I...
I got no place to put this.
- How 'bout a nice wallet?
- Wallet?
- Yeah.
- That sounds like
a good idea, do you have one?
- I've got a beauty,
secret compartments
and everything.
- That's beautiful,
how much is it?
- Buck ten.
- Dollar ten?
Wow, thank you very much.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- You know there's a new device
for a woman who gets
a flat tire on the freeway.
It's a large aerosol can
filled with compressed air.
Now if the lady wants to
get her tire taken care of
all she has to do
is press the button
on the aerosol can,
and it blows her skirts up.
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
I know a bishop who was so dumb
he bet on the
college of cardinals
to win in the Rose Bowl.
- Oh Sister Mary Youngman.
- Oh Sister Mary
Youngman, shame on you!
- Come on, Sisters,
these are the jokes.
- We've been sitting
here for an hour
you better make a move.
- I know, I know.
- Come on, big fella.
Gotta try the freeway sometime.
(whimsical music)
- It was Henny Youngman
who once said to me,
take my whoopie, please.
(comic music)
(boinging)
(splashing)
- [Gary] This
portion of Laugh In
is brought to you by
new Bold detergent.
Now with new cleaning energy
to make even your
bold one's things
so clean they're bright.
- In my short but dynamic
career as a sportscaster
I've been labeled
arrogant, obnoxious,
repugnant, insolent,
vain, intolerable,
insincere, picayune,
outrageous, unattractive,
and even a slob.
But that's just from
my family and friends.
(audience laughter)
- Charlie, you've been
sitting there for three hours.
When you gonna start rocking?
- Oh I,
I thought I was!
(audience laughter)
- What happened
to the flying nun?
- I don't know, lets ask
Sister Mary Youngman.
- Sister Mary Youngman,
whatever happened
to the flying nun?
- Oh, she was
hijacked by a rabbi.
Laugh it up, Sisters.
What is this, and oil
painting or a congregation?
(audience laughter)
- But seriously folks,
I'd like to say a few
words about accupuncture.
(audience laughter)
- A lot of people say that
football players are dumb.
Well I'm hear to tell
you that am not true.
- Well if there are no
more questions this week
I'd like to tell you about
my hunting trip to Mexico.
I went down to Veracruz,
and we were actually out
for the white wing dove.
There weren't a
lot of white wings,
we got some morning doves.
And um...
(trombone flutters)
- Huh, music to your ears, huh?
Okay, everybody lay
some sounds on me.
Ee chee ya ya gaga ga, do do do.
- (Several voices) Ee chee
ya ya gaga ga, do do do.
- A saba daba, ee ee ah ah, ooh!
- (Several voices) A saba
daba, ee ee ah ah, ooh!
- Well hold it, hold it.
- They're doing good!
They're hot out there!
- Wait a minute,
what are you up to?
- Well I was up to the third bar
until you stopped me.
Man I feel real gravy to night.
- That's groovy.
- Oh thank you.
- You look more like gravy.
- Just wait'll you
hear my whole group
it'll knock you out.
- Your whole what group?
- Well it's Dick Martins
Take It and Fake It
All Star New Orleans
Original Syncopated
Swing and Sway Jazz Five.
- That it?
- Plus one.
- Plus one.
- Shoo be doo be doo.
- (Several voices)
Shoo be doo be doo!
- Shoo doo be doo be.
- (Several voices)
Shoo doo be doo be.
- Will you stop that?
(audience laughing)
This is ridiculous.
You don't know
anything about music.
- I voot on your rooni.
- You voot on...
(audience laughter)
- I'll have you
know that I belong
to musicians union local 46.
- Well for your information,
the local musicians union is 47.
- Well I got here early.
La dee da dee da da da!
- (Several voices) La
dee da dee da da da!
- La dee da dee da.
- (Several voices)
La dee da dee da.
- You wanna forget
that la dee da stuff
I wanna hear you
play the trombone,
you're such a great
musician, go on.
- I'm not in the mood.
- You're not in the mood.
If you're not gonna play it
why do you carry it around?
- Well for one thing,
it helps speed up
the line at the commissary.
(audience laughter)
- You know what I think?
- Lay off the mayonaise.
Makes a great
shoehorn for boots too.
- I think you're a fake.
- Ha!
- You don't know
anything about music.
- Are you, sir,
calling me a fake?
- Yes sir.
- Well for your information
my whole family
was very musical.
- Who?
- My uncle Otto played 15 years
with John Phillip
Souza's orchestra.
- Fifteen years?
- Yes, five years
with each of them.
(audience laughter)
He played first hammershlag.
- He played first,
what's a hammershlag?
- I don't know
but he had to quit
after he cauliflowered his lip.
- Come on now, you
gonna play that thing or not?
- Okay you win.
- I can't wait to hear this.
- Ah dee da dee da!
(slide whistle) (crash)
Well, you wanna mail
me one of those back?
I think I got a part missing.
- Well I've known
that for a long time.
- I better sing.
Shoo be doo be doo!
- (Several voices)
Shoo be doo be doo!
- We're getting better!
Sha ba da dee da!
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- You know being on television
is very insecure work.
I mean the networks can cut you
off the air at any
time they want-
(audience laughter)
- Doctor, my wife
is a little hoarse.
What shall I give her?
- Give her a carrot
and a lump of sugar
every two miles.
(audience laughter)
- No, no, Charlie.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
Bernie is getting suspicious.
- Not tonight, I've
got to whoopie.
(whimsical music)
- Give me a straight shot.
And give this coward one too.
- No man ever called
me a coward and lived.
- You're a coward.
- Only one man has ever
called me a coward and lived.
Jimmy Cagney.
(all laughing)
- Say man, Charlie really
smokes like a chimney.
- He sure does.
(audience laughter)
- I'm developing
a new line of bats
for the Gay Liberation
Baseball League,
it's called the
Louisville Slapper.
- Excuse me I'm looking for
something for my husband.
He's six foot seven
and weighs 490 pounds.
- Bring him in,
he can try on one of
our dressing rooms.
(audience laughter)
- Hi.
Can you fill this prescription?
- Sure thing, my man.
- Thank you.
Oh.
(water splashing)
- What made you start swimming?
- Well it was the
best alternative
I could think of to sinking.
- The Internal Revenue Story,
take everything.
(shouting)
- Thank you, Audrey from Mizusa!
And now, our next contestant
in our amateur strip contest!
The sensuous
librarian from Lompoc!
Miss Gladys "The Grinder"
Ormphby!
(cheers)
(jazz music)
(Taps on trumpet)
(audience laughter)
(jazz music)
(crowd jeering)
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- It's time once again,
for another page in our
crime stoppers notebook.
Next time you go out of town,
turn out all the lights,
and let the newspapers
pile up on your porch.
Then when a burglar
comes to rob your house,
he will see all those newspapers
and naturally will
want to read them.
But he won't be able
to read the newspapers
because all your lights are out.
So he will go someplace else.
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- [Dispatcher] Headquarters
to One Adam 12, do you read?
- We read you, headquarters.
- [Dispatcher] Are we clear?
- Loud and clear, headquarters.
- [Dispatcher] Any static?
- No, no static, go ahead.
- [Dispatcher] Good,
here's your assignment.
There are 14 men
with sub machine guns
running amok on
Hollywood and Vine.
- Cannot read you, headquarters!
Come in, headquarters!
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- You know I started
out in life as a lawyer
which is rather
unusual right there.
Most people begin as babies.
- My uncle drinks a
quart of Geritol everyday.
He's got so much
iron in his blood
that my aunt uses
him to roll the lawn.
(audience laughter)
- A drunk came
home the other night
covered with large, black spots.
When his wife asked
him what happened
he said some mugger
beat him with a dalmatian.
(audience laughter)
(Mediterranean music)
(Screeching)
What's the news around the harem
This whole joint is harem scarem
This is getting too confusing
Speak up girls,
this ain't amusing
Ladies and gents,
Baghdad look to the news
With Dan and Dick
- And all the news, with
Anne Boleyn in the tower.
Dean Martin pouring
a whiskey sour.
Bees buzzing from
flower to flower.
And I can go on like
this for another hour.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First these news headlines.
- Beautiful princess
choked to death
when frog in her
throat turns into prince.
- MGM making an
all Black version of
Gone With the Wind, Flip Wilson
to play Scarlet O'Hara.
- Ralph Nader
recalls Vickie Carr.
- And now because
we can't avoid it,
here's tonight's news,
the present with Dick.
- Well another case of mistaken
syndicate hit was revealed today
when it became known
that six months ago
the mob accidentally
threw Jacques Cousteau
into the East River.
Tragedy was averted, however,
when Mr. Cousteau
built a house at the bottom
and has lived there ever since.
Wrote a few books.
- New York City,
going along with
the trend established at
the Democratic Convention
when women's lib insisted on
the presiding female officer be
referred to as chairperson.
The governor of New
York announced today
that from now on
he shall be known
as Nelson Rockerperson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now here's Dan
with something or other.
- The news of the
future, 50 years from now
fashion designers have decreed
that the unisex look in clothes
is a fashion must for everyone.
This year both men and
women will dress exactly alike.
The men say they don't like it
because they can't tell
what they're following
until they bump into it.
- Then it's too late.
- Yes. (Both laughing)
Or too early, as
the case may be.
News of the future, 20 years
from now, Washington DC.
Today the president
signed into law
the legalization of marijuana.
Congress immediately
celebrated by
having a joint session.
Can you dig it?
(audience laughter)
- And now let's
take two aspirin.
And go to Dr. Martha
Wilby with the medical news.
- The American
Medical Association
today announced that
a Dr. Steven Spears
has discovered a
fantastic new youth serum.
Dr. Spears, however,
could not be reached
to confirm or deny this report,
as it was time for
him to go nighty-night.
(audience laughter)
- Hey let's go to
the Nether regions
for another news item from hell.
- Hey, hell's bells, wee!
Rents were due today.
And all across
hell there has been
the devil to pay.
Get it?
Ah, you see, these jokes
are part of the punishment.
- Now lets make the
scene with heavy Helen.
- Say hey, it's heavy
Helen making the scene,
like I mean, like wow.
I mean, like too much, you know.
I mean, like 30 of us
formed a commune.
And like we share the food,
and like we share the work,
and like I find I eat good
and I don't work too hard.
And I like everybody like there.
I mean, in fact I never
met 29 nicer guys.
(audience laughter)
I mean like wow.
Like heavy, really heavy.
Oh!
- Now a look at our star border
between China and Russia.
- (Russian accent) I can't
wait for my summer vacation.
- (Chinese accent)
Oh, when is that?
- Well I don't know, I
never had a summer.
- You know, they
recently took survey,
of Chinese people to ask opinion
of birth control.
- What were the results?
- I tell you, 20 million
people were against it.
And 780 million
people were for it.
- That's very dumb,
get in the back.
- Three were undecided.
(audience laughter)
- Wanna take a look at
the senior citizen news?
Well you can't help
it, 'cause here it is.
- What light, where?
Yes there's old news tonight!
Mrs. Bertha Fenwick
and Mr. John Botkin
have a announced their
intention of marriage.
Mrs. Fenwick is
78 and Mr. Botkin
bless him, is 81.
The wedding reception
will be celebrated
at a Holiday Inn, where
the bride and the groom
will try and remember what
holiday they're celebrating.
(audience laughter)
- And now to our
foreign bureaus overseas.
- Well where else
would you find a
foreign bureau but overseas?
- I have a foreign
bureau in my bedroom.
I have strange sofa in my den.
- You're a strange looking guy.
First to the island of Borneo.
- We are here on
the Island of Borneo,
talking to the
Minister of Economy.
Sir can you tell us something
about the island's economy?
- Yes, our economy
is very primitive
compared to yours.
We do not even use money.
Instead of money we
use water buffaloes.
We pay for what we
buy with water buffaloes.
But then, there's very
little trading done here.
- Why is that?
- Well because it's so
hard to make change.
- Now to a karate
school in Japan.
- I'm here in Japan
with the world's
greatest woman karate expert.
(gong)
Now tell me,
what is the most
important thing in karate?
- (Japanese accent)
The most important thing
in karate is the eye.
- I'm afraid I don't understand.
- I will demonstrate.
Now, close your eye.
- Okay.
Okay, close my eyes.
- Ah!
You see, the eyes.
You must always keep them open.
(audience laughter)
(Irish music)
- Oh excuse me Marco.
Top of the Christmas
evening news to you.
And it's an exciting
Christmas eve,
Sharon O'Sullivan
beat up her husband
for kissing Bertie Kelly
under the mistletoe.
- Oh!
- She said it wasn't
the kissing I minded.
But they were doing it
three miles outside Dublin
in the Leprechaun Whoopie Motel.
- And on the fourth of July!
(audience laughter)
- Now here's a cheery
note in the news.
- I'd like to hear it.
- A cheery note.
Since the wake
of Patty O'Connell
happened to fall in the midst of
the Christmas season-
- God rest his soul.
- The mourners decided
to stand the casket
up in the corner and decorate it
in keeping with the season.
- Well what do you mean?
- Well now, Mrs. O'Connell said
it warmed the
cockles of her heart
to see dear Patty in
death as he was in life,
lit up like a Christmas tree!
(audience laughter)
(Irish music)
- And that's the news tonight.
Don't forget, it's Nice
No Hostility Week,
punch a friend for lunch.
(screeching song)
- Don't forget to read
Snow White and
the Seven Whoopies.
(audience laughter)
(cheerful music)
- You'd better hurry dear,
or we'll be late
for the theater.
- Just a minute, I
will put on my dress.
(gears winding)
(material tearing)
Will you zip me up dear?
(gears winding)
- Breathe in, sweetheart.
(zipping)
- Oh darling, you shouldn't.
- What else are husbands for?
Where is my jacket?
- It's in the closet.
- Oh here it is.
- I just have to get
my hat off the dresser.
(audience laughter)
- You look stunning dear.
- Oh thank you.
- Let's go, I'll
get the front door.
(crashing)
We ought to go out
like this more often.
(audience applause)
- How long we been here?
- Three hours.
- That's what I
hate about drive-ins,
you have to sit through
a double feature.
- No kid of mine's
gonna say I don't love her.
Evening!
- Evening.
- Are you the proprietor of
this beautiful establishment?
- That's right, what
can I do for you?
- Uh, yeah.
I was wondering if
you'd care to join me
in a toast to the American flag?
A drink to Old Glory.
- Well I uh, don't-
- You're not
unpatriotic, are you?
- No!
- Have you ever been
arrested by the jandar?
- Of course not.
- Good, good,
that settles it then.
I hate to drink with Communists.
(audience laughter)
Set 'em up.
Make mine el grando.
Yeah, it's snowing
in my part of town.
Here we are then.
To the flag!
- To the flag.
- Ah!
My goodness me, how time
flies when you're having fun.
I must be off!
- Wait a minute, you owe
me two bucks for these drinks.
- Please now, no good American
would ever put
such a paltry price
on the love of his country.
And another thing,
never ever serve
ice made of water.
(audience laughter)
- Dandy Don and faultless Frank
kid me about being
conceited and arrogant.
Who needs them!
I'm too big for
those guys anyway.
- Not tonight honey,
I've got a piercing headache.
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- It was John Wayne who said,
here come the redskins,
put your whoopies in a circle.
Whoopie!
- What's the best way to
get ahold of a manager?
- Personally I prefer
the hammer lock.
You know why?
He didn't use his
deodorant yesterday,
and he might not
use it again today.
- Last night, Father O'Malley
crashed his car into
the confession booth.
- Gracious, how did he do that?
- It was easy, he just
took a left at the third pew.
Please!
(audience laughter)
- Brigit Loves Bernie
is never having to say
you're sorry you're
following All In the Family.
(audience laughter)
- (Shouting) Camp
town lady sing this song,
doo dah (laughing) doo dah!
- Hey bartender!
Will you turn down that jukebox
it's too loud!
- I feel in a romantic
mood, I wanna dance.
Let's see ya!
- Okay.
- I can take a hint, you
wanna sit this one out.
(audience laughter)
Camp town lady sing this song.
Doo dah (laughing) doo dah!
- Isn't it amazing,
Charlie, at our age
we still have all our faculties.
- Oh you're right, Martha.
Remind me to call
General Pershing tomorrow
and congratulate
him on taking France.
- You know your
trouble, don't ya?
You're off your rocker.
(audience laughter)
Wait til I tell them
about that at the club.
(audience laughter)
- Here is today's
astrological forecast.
For all you Aquarians,
do not sit naked
upon an iceberg
between the hours
of nine and 14, because
blue is your bad color.
- Come on, move along.
- Officer what's this
man charged with?
- Taking pictures.
- There's no law against that.
- From the Metropolitan Museum?
Not to mention the art gallery.
- What about the art gallery?
- I told you not to
mention the art gallery.
- Forty days.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I know one
quarterback who was so lousy
that when he was in the army
his weekend passes
were intercepted.
- There seems to
be a trend today
towards newscasters
who try to be funny
even though the news is not.
Well they probably find
something to laugh about
even when reporting
the end of the world.
Like these two.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
Tom and Ross here.
Tonight the world is ending,
and it came to many
people in funny ways.
- Sure did, Ross.
Like Mr. Rex Polier of
Philadelphia (laughs)
he noticed his dog was missing.
Then he went and
opened his door and looked
and the dog was found
but Philadelphia was gone.
(both laughing)
Well one thing
about Philadelphia,
it really moves!
- Yes sir.
Another bright spot in the news,
tourists will now
be able to sail
from England to
Alaska in two days
because Canada is
no longer in the way!
(both laughing)
(audience laughter)
- That's pretty good there.
And now for the local scene.
Uh oh, sounds like there
isn't anymore local scene.
(both laughing)
(audience laughter)
- Oh that's funny, the
world's come to an end,
but we're still here.
(explosion)
- [Booming Voice]
Not anymore you're not.
(audience laughter)
- I should've known better than
to eat right before
coming on Laugh In.
This show is giving
me the cramps.
- How long you been a cop?
- It's my fifth year.
Not counting reruns.
- They wanted me to
pose in Cosmopolitan nude
with my hands over my mouth.
So no one would recognize me.
(whimsical music)
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Good night!
- Yes.
- What do you mean,
you don't wanna hear
what happened to Old Blue?
- No I certainly don't.
- Good, I'll never
forget that night.
I hadn't seen Old
Blue in over 20 years.
I was home sleeping in bed,
when I heard a
scratching at the front door.
(scratching)
Could it be?
Could Old Blue
have found his way
home from France?
I sprang from my
bed! (slide whistle)
And I ran downstairs,
threw open the front
door and there he was!
- Old Blue?
- No, old Deano.
He crawled up the
wrong driveway again.
(audience applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- (All three) Good night, Dick.
- (Spitting) Good night, Dick.
- (Slide whistle)
Good night, Dick.
- [Gary] Appearing as
tonight's surprise guest,
Dan Luckow!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (Both) Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night,
Dick. (slide whistle)
(audience laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (All) Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, world.
(explosion)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
(squeaking)
(crash)
(crying)
I'm Howard Cosell
here with the so-called
comedy team of
Dan Martin and Dick Rowan.
(laughter)
- You've got that wrong, Howard.
- Forgive me, you're right.
You've never been
called a comedy team.
Let me take this
one step further.
Many comedy teams
will go down in the annals
of show business
history, whereas these two
will just go down,
and down, and down.
(audience laughter)
- You know, he started
out like he wasn't
going to like us, you know?
- Furthermore, you
all know that most
comedy duos are made
up of one intelligent
straight man and
one obvious fool.
Now come on guys,
name the one hard
hitting joke you've ever done.
- Hard hitting?
Well, here's a
punchline for you.
(smack)
(audience laughter)
(smack)
(audience laughter)
- You got a doubleheader.
- Right.
(audience applause)
- Don Meredith here.
- I had no idea that Dick Martin
loved to play baseball so much,
but every time I
see him, he says
he struck out again.
- Hi, I'm Alex
Karras and I'm happy
I got out of
football when I did.
It's such a violent,
violent sport.
I remember one time I
suffered three broken ribs
and a crushed vertebrae,
and that was just
during the contract
negotiation folks.
(audience laughter)
- You know, girls must
really flock around you
when you make a
public appearance.
- Yeah, I make a
splash wherever I go.
- Anything you say.
(audience laughter)
(water splashing)
- [Dispatcher] One
Adam 12, One Adam 12.
There's a 2736 at the corner of
Hollywood and Vine.
- Wait a minute, we're
at Hollywood and Vine.
What's a 2736?
- I don't know, I'll look it up.
273.
2736, yeah, yeah.
That's a police car on fire.
(rimshot)
(audience laughter)
- Yes sir, I'll tell you
what's kept me hopping
for the past few years.
- Oh, what?
- Wrinkled plums.
(rimshot)
- Tonight I'm going to bring you
famous old whoopie
quotations, such as
you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him whoopie.
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Hey, hey sweetheart, baby.
You're cute.
- Oh geez.
- How'd you like
to be on Broadway.
- Oh I'd love to!
- Great.
- Hey geez.
- It's four floors down.
- Really?
(audience laughter)
(slide whistle)
- Give my regards.
(audience laughter)
When you get there.
(audience laughter)
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Yes, do you have any books
on check forgery?
- Check forgery?
Let me look.
Yes, here it is.
- Oh good, good.
Will you accept a check?
(audience laughter)
- I'd like to see
your best suit.
- Certainly, come over here.
Here's a very
nice suit, it's $300.
- Well I was hoping
you'd have something
a little more expensive.
- All right, it's $600.
(audience laughter)
- Fine, I'll take it.
- You got it.
(audience laughter)
You got a feeling
we're in the wrong skit.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
- Lost on Hollywood
Boulevard, saber tooth tiger,
answers to the name of Simba.
Reward and all
hospital expenses.
(audience laughter)
- Here's a dollar,
give me a kiss.
- Here's two dollars, forget it.
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- I was almost
attacked in the park
the other night,
but some stupid cop
came along and
chased the guy away.
- I don't mind this
but tomorrow I have to
get all my teeth pulled.
(audience laughter)
- I don't wanna sound conceited
but I'm probably the most
humble man in the world.
- [Gary] It's Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With tonight's cameo guests
Howard Cosell, Alex Karras,
Chip McCord, Martin Milner,
Vin Scully.
Plus Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen, Richard Dawson,
Abby Big, Sarah Kennedy,
Willie Tyler and
Lester, Lisa Farringer,
and tonight's surprise guest,
we'll tell you who it is
at the end of tonight's program.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this suggestion
for land developers.
Have you ever
thought of injecting
silicone into the ground?
- About 15 years
ago your husband
invested and bought
a piece of the rock.
- Yes, I'm so glad
he had that foresight.
Now that he's gone
that piece of rock
will really help me out.
- Well, I'm sure it will.
(thunk) (audience laughter)
And here it is.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- That's very nice of you.
What a great group tonight.
- What a good group.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Hey what would you
like to talk about tonight?
- Well, if there are
any Nazi soldiers
in the audience, I
suggest you leave now
because I'm about
to tell all I know.
- Well that ought to
take about 20 seconds.
- Nevertheless.
- Nevertheless.
- I am sure that you'll
recall my telling you
that during World War I I...
- The second World War.
- Second World
War, the same one.
- That I was the famous
spy Madame Lefarge.
- Yes I do remember
you telling me that.
How could I forget it?
At least once a week
you still put on a dress.
(audience laughter)
- Nevertheless.
- Be that as it may.
- I have not been
able to tell up until now,
the identity of my accomplice,
who played the role of my
youngest daughter Claudine.
- Ah ha, and tonight
you're going to tell us.
I can hardly wait.
- Well I'll tell you.
Claudine was none other than
my faithful dog, Old Blue.
(audience laughter)
- How could you make
a dog look like a woman?
- It's a military secret,
but I'll whisper it to you.
- A padded bra?
- Sshh! (audience laughter)
- Come on!
All right, I'm
gonna go along with
this ridiculous story.
How did your dog infiltrate
behind enemy lines?
- Well first he'd
sniff around a tree.
(audience laughter)
- No, no, come on now!
This dog of yours, Old Blue,
how'd he get the name Old Blue?
- Well when he was a puppy
I put this tiny,
little collar on him.
And as he grew up I
never took the collar off.
(audience laughter)
- Yes I got the picture.
- He never did learn
to bark very well.
(audience laughter)
- Sort of a strangled cough.
- (Yips)
- Yes I get it.
What kind of dog was Old Blue?
- Well he was a mixed breed.
- A mixed breed.
- But very carefully mixed.
- Is that right?
- He was part dalmatian,
part French poodle,
part St. Bernard,
part Labator Retriever,
- Labator?
- Labator retriever.
- A Labrador retriever.
- Yes, and part reindeer.
(audience laughter)
- Tell me about the reindeer.
- All right, honey.
(audience laughter)
But first, let me tell
you about the dog!
- All right tell me
about the dog.
- All right, what he'd do,
is he'd sneak up on the enemy,
and instead of biting them-
- He wouldn't bite 'em.
- He'd put out their cigarette!
- That's the dalmatian?
- That's the dalmatian, right.
Then he'd knock them
down and knock off their hat
so he could run
after it, catch it,
and bring it back to them.
- And that's the
labator retriever?
- Right. (audience laughter)
And then he'd give
them a drink of brandy.
- The St. Bernard.
- That's the St. Bernard.
Then he'd lick their
face, blow in their ears,
and give them a hickey.
(audience laughter)
- That's the French poodle?
- That's the French
poodle, right.
- Where does the
reindeer come in?
- It gave them a
place to put their hats!
(audience laughter)
(both laughing)
- Well where is Old Blue now?
- Well it's a long story.
- Oh well then nevermind.
- I'll never forget it.
(audience laughter)
We're on the beach at Normandy,
(marching music)
June six... June six.
- D-Day?
- No, it was D night.
- After d day?
- After d day.
(audience laughter)
We were waiting for sunrise,
and the arrival of
the allied forces.
Old Blue had literally
al-an-night-ten-ated-
- Annihilated?
- Annihilated!
The enemy on the beach.
All you could see,
for miles around,
were hundreds of
hickey'd Hessians.
- Hickey'd Hessians!
- Yes!
Happy but kickey'd.
- Yes!
We were victorious because
of the most devastating
military tactic.
- What was it?
- Hit them when
they least expect us.
- I don't understand.
- The day to remember.
June 6th, 1955!
- But wait a minute!
Hold it!
1955?
The war'd been
over for ten years.
- That's right, that's when
they least expected us!
(audience laughter)
- What are ya yelling for?
- I don't know, I got the job!
(audience laughter)
(both laughing)
- [Dispatcher] One
Adam 12, One Adam 12,
we've got 14 men, armed
with sub machine guns.
- Good, what else you got?
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- Meanwhile, back
at the cocktail party.
(disco music)
- In the interest of
national security,
the government's making
a special custom car
for Vice President Agnew.
Specially designed
so that no matter what
he can't get out.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- What I want to know is,
if the three television networks
had such great shows
lined up for this fall,
why did they have
such great shows
lined up for January?
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Hey watch it man,
there's a bumblebee
near your shoulder.
- Man, I ain't worried
about no kinda bees.
No kind!
But I ain't too
crazy about wasps.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- There is a rumor,
probably unfounded,
that Joe Namath
is being considered
as the next head of the FBI.
If he gets the nod the
new ten most wanted list
will include Jill St.
John, Raquel Welch,
Claudia Cardinale, The Supremes.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Oh ho!
Oh I'm sorry Mary.
Hey how would you like
to come up to my place
around nine tonight?
- Don't you think I'm
a little young for you?
- Maybe you're right.
How about, make it 10 o'clock,
you'll be older then.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Speaking of the godfather,
Dan have you heard of the
new syndicate body stocking?
- No I haven't.
- It comes with a
body already in it.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Sophia Lauren, Gloria
Steinem, Golda Meir,
the Lennon Sisters.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Ay, what's happening?
- Ay!
- Could I have a drink?
- Sure.
- With a little kick.
- Oh yeah.
Here's your drink.
And, here's your kick.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- I heard that there are
an awful lot of
ministers out of work.
- Oh it must be true.
The other day I
saw a lot of people
kneeling in the
unemployment line.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Do you think men
should be sterilized?
- Well gee, Ruth, I don't know.
I mean how can they stay
in a pan of boiling
water that long?
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- According to
the administration,
there's no more credibility gap.
And now all they have to do
is find somebody
who'll believe that.
(audience laughter)
- Helen Gurley Brown,
Girl Scouts of America.
(audience laughter)
(disco music)
- Oh!
What are you
thinking about, Harry?
- I was just making
some plans for the future.
- What are you planning?
To retire and live out
your years in luxury?
- Nope, no I'm
planning to get up
and go to the bathroom.
(audience laughter)
- So I said to
Sitting Bull, oh yeah!
(audience laughter)
- Baseball fans thrilled
Willie Mays last night,
when as a surprise
tribute, 25,000 New Yorkers
rushed to Harlem and had,
Say Hey Willie spelled
out in White folks.
- Howard Cosell
and I just got through
making a movie called
The 500 Pound Jerk.
I play the 500 pounder,
and Howard had the other lead.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(audience laughter)
- A lot of young
swimmers have asked
what's the best
way to get to the
next Olympics in Montreal?
I just tell them,
swim to Vermont and take a left.
(audience laughter)
- You know I was telling Dick
I had just come
from a great nighttime
double header, and
it took him 20 minutes
before he realized I was
talking about two
baseball games.
(audience laughter)
- When we last left the Farkels,
Fannie Farkel was going
to have a baby any day now.
Let's find out if
today is the day,
as Frank Farkel says...
- What have you got there Frank?
- Pickles and ice cream, Fannie.
- Pickles and ice cream?
- Did you buy that because
Fannie is going to have
a baby any day now?
- A baby any day now.
Have some pickles and ice cream.
- Don't mind if I do!
- So Fannie Farkel is going
to have a baby any day now.
Tune in next week when
we hear Ferd Berfel say,
- Ow, my stomach hurts.
(audience laughter)
- All right lady, your
money or my life.
- Oh I'm afraid you've
got that mixed up.
- Oh I'm sorry, all
right. (clears throat)
Your life or my money!
- I'll take your money.
- Okay.
- Ooh!
(audience laughter)
Now that I've got your money
I don't think you'll
need your gun.
- Thanks very much.
- Bells of St. Mary's, take one.
(bells ringing)
(audience laughter)
- Good evening, sports
fans and aficionados
of the grid iron classic
also known as football.
This is Harriet Cosell.
Tonight I am speaking to you
from the pretentious
beachfront condominium
of my beloved offspring
and son, Howard Cosell.
Howard, Howard, Howard.
How are ya, Howard Cosell?
- I'm fine, mom.
- It amazes me that you can say
you're fine, Howard,
light of my life.
When in fact you're not fine.
Don't you realize
millions of Americans
have listened to
your performance
on Monday Night Football?
They have heard
you talk, Howard.
- But mom!
- Boy have they heard you talk,
Howard, Howard, Howard Cosell!
You verbalize while dandy
Don is trying to analyze.
And you exhort
while faultless Frank
is attempting to report.
I feel I can tell
you this, Howard,
as you are one of my
oldest and dearest children.
(audience laughter)
Howard, you have a big mouth.
And I do not know
from whence it came.
(audience laughter)
- Football games are
really becoming very violent.
I understand the
Pentagon is thinking
about sending in advisors.
- Once Marlon Brando made
me a whoopie I couldn't refuse.
Oh wee!
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
(upbeat music)
You gotta be a good sport
A really fabulous sport
You gotta cover ground
While running 'round
The old tennis court
And even when you forget
To serve it over the net
You gotta be a real good sport
I started having a ball
A really bell of a ball
You mustn't ever
quibble When you dribble
Give it your all
Let's see your confident grin
When you're dropping it in
You gotta have a great big ball
You gotta know where it's at
When you're up at the bat
Gotta know all the bases to run
You gotta step on the gas
When you run for a pass
Or you'll really
be missing the fun
You've gotta give it a try
You've gotta be a good guy
You've gotta keep it rolling
When you're bowling
Mustn't be shy
It may not be what you like
But it can lead to a strike
You gotta be a real
good guy That's right
You gotta be a good sport
A really fabulous sport
You mustn't hit the
floor Because the score
Is coming up short
Forget the trouble you're in
You gotta play it to win
You gotta be a real good sport
You gotta be a real
good Always feel good
Be a real good Sport Have a ball
(audience applause)
- What, what happened?
- I tell ya, champ,
you tripped over the
rope getting in the ring.
(audience laughter)
- Hi, hon!
- Oh hi!
- Is dinner ready?
I don't wanna be late for
my first big major league game.
- Oh I'm so proud!
My husband, a major
league baseball umpire!
Are you nervous?
- Me, nervous?
Of course not.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- I was watching
football yesterday
and I saw a quarterback draw.
- Quarterback draw?
What's a quarterback draw?
- Oh in a good season
about 150 grand!
(audience laughter)
- Okay Mulligan, I
want you to get out there
and win this one for the Gipper.
- Uh, hey coach,
who's the Gipper?
- He's my bookie.
(audience laughter)
- You know that
when the Senators
were in Washington,
they sure committed
a lot of errors and foul balls.
- Yeah, you're right.
The baseball team
wasn't too hot either.
(audience laughter)
- Show me a man
who thinks baseball
is the national pastime,
and I'll show you a man
who never learned
to play doctor.
(audience laughter)
- And another thing,
there's that son of ours.
I demand punctuality
at the dinner table.
- He's probably still at
baseball practice, dear.
- Yes, well it's five
seconds to six now.
If he is not here at six,
I shall count him out.
One, two, three!
(screeching)
- Safe! (audience laughter)
- My boyfriend used to spend
the whole weekend
watching football.
- Yeah?
- Yeah but I cured him of that.
- How?
- Okay, now when they
put their back field in motion,
got that?
So do I!
(audience laughter)
- Well kid, your
wrestling career
is right at the top now!
You already beat the Masked
Marvel, the Ghostly Ghoul.
Tonight you go up
against the Invisible Marvel.
- Yeah, what's he look like?
- What do you mean,
what's he look like?
He's sitting there
in the corner.
- There's nobody there.
- I told you, he's invisible.
- Don't worry, I
got all the others,
and I'll get him.
(bell dings)
(thuds)
- One, two, three!
And the winner!
The Invisible...
Hey wait, hold it!
I demand a fair chance.
I wasn't ready!
- Wanna try again?
- Sure!
- Okay, okay!
Just keep your eye on him,
he's a very tricky opponent.
(audience laughter)
(bell dings)
(audience laughter)
- I got him pinned.
I got him... One, two-
(audience laughter)
- Oh, hey, ooh!
(audience laughter)
I'll get him.
I'll get him!
Oh, wee, ha!
Ooh, ha ha!
- One, two, three!
Microphone!
And the winner!
The Invisible Marvel!
You're quite a man,
Invisible Marvel!
(woman breathing heavy)
- [Marvel] Thank you!
But I'm not a man!
I'm a woman.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, what do
you say we make it
three out of five, huh?
(audience laughter)
(woman laughing)
- [Marvel] Ooh stop! (laughing)
- I got something
there, I'm not sure what.
(audience laughter)
- Did you hear about the
frustrated baseball player?
- No.
- Yeah, he always
struck out at home.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I'd like to
volunteer my services
to an all girl football team.
- As the coach?
- No.
- Referee?
- Uh-Uh.
As the playing field.
(audience laughter)
I love the broads.
- Ooh.
- That was, without a doubt,
the lousiest first half of
football I have ever seen.
And you, the Green Bay Whoopies,
the first all-girl football team
to get a game with
a men's football team
and look what happens.
- Well what'd we do wrong?
- Well first of all
you didn't score.
- We tried!
- It wasn't our fault.
- All right, look,
wait a minute.
Stay out of their huddle.
Kowalski, next time
you tackle a fullback
let him up!
- It wasn't my fault,
he didn't want to get up!
- And O'Reilly,
on the end around,
why didn't you go
for the halfback?
- 'Cause I thought the
tackle was much cuter.
(all laughing)
- Wait a minute,
hold everything.
Let's try a play.
Kowalski, you be the
center, you two be the guards,
I'll be the quarterback,
and we'll work on a play.
First I'll check the
defen... Watch it!
- All right, hold it,
I'll be the center.
(all talking at once)
Cut it!
Will ya cut it!
Nevermind.
Let's use our imagination
and check our
defense, all right?
All right, I'm Joe Namath,
I'm gonna fade
back to throw a pass.
- Uh-Huh, yeah.
- As I go back to pass,
what are you going to do?
- (All scream) Joe!
(audience laughter)
- Oh Joe!
- Well coach, do
you think that will
do the trick with the defense?
- I don't know about that,
but it's doing wonders for me.
Howard Cosell, wherever you are,
eat your heart out.
- How could Howard,
Howard, Howard
my son, my son, my
son, eat his heart out
with his foot in his mouth?
- That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
(rimshot)
- You know at the
Olympics in Germany,
during one event, they had to
disqualify the East
German contestant.
- Why?
- Instead of
jumping the hurdles,
he tried to tunnel
his way under them.
(audience laughter)
- So Patty.
- [Patty] I'm listening.
- I know a girl who's
a real golf widow.
- You mean her husband
plays golf all the time?
- Not anymore, she ran over him
with his electric cart!
(audience laughter)
- You two have a good
time playing golf today, dear?
- No I didn't.
Seems every time
I want to hit the ball
somebody wanted to play through.
Well, goodnight.
- Mind if we play through?
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- While you're in training,
do you have much time for girls?
- Sure I swim every
night with a girl in my pool.
- No kidding, is it heated?
- Heck no, I don't wanna
get her in hot water.
(audience laughter)
- I have a question.
If horse racing is
the sport of kings,
does this mean drag
racing is the sport of queens?
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
- Do you have any
books on soccer?
- Speak up a little bit
please, I'm hard of hearing.
- I said, do you sell
books on soccer?
- Books on what?
- Soccer!
Soccer!
- If you say so. (smack)
(audience laughter)
- Las Vegas wants to enter into
international
sports competition.
So, so, so, in 1976
they're going to have
an Olympic crap shooting team!
(audience laughter)
- What are you doing?
- I'm watching a tennis match
between Wilt Chamberlain
and Mickey Rooney.
(audience laughter)
- The toughest
interview I ever had
was with Willie Shoemaker.
But I learned my
lesson, next time
I'm gonna wait for
the horse to stop.
(audience laughter)
Be a real good Sport Have a ball
- You can create
that wintery effect
on your front lawn
by quick freezing
your husband in a Santa suit,
and propping him
up against a pine tree.
(audience laughter)
- In the words of
Teddy Roosevelt,
speak softly and
carry a big whoopie.
(audience laughter)
- I really need some money.
I've got nothing left to pawn
but the clothes on my back.
How much will you
give me for this shirt?
- Ten cents.
- Ten cents, is that all?
- That's all.
(audience laughter)
I'll still give you
a dime for it.
- Oh thank you.
God bless you.
How about my shoes?
- Let's see 'em.
I'll give you 25 cents.
- Twenty five cents?
You drive a hard bargain.
How about my pants,
and my socks and garters.
Now look at those garters,
those are not your
everyday garters.
- I'll give you 75 cents
for the whole works.
- Seventy five
cents for the whole?
What does that come to?
- Um, a dollar ten.
- A dollar ten.
Oh thank you, I...
I got no place to put this.
- How 'bout a nice wallet?
- Wallet?
- Yeah.
- That sounds like
a good idea, do you have one?
- I've got a beauty,
secret compartments
and everything.
- That's beautiful,
how much is it?
- Buck ten.
- Dollar ten?
Wow, thank you very much.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- You know there's a new device
for a woman who gets
a flat tire on the freeway.
It's a large aerosol can
filled with compressed air.
Now if the lady wants to
get her tire taken care of
all she has to do
is press the button
on the aerosol can,
and it blows her skirts up.
- Speaking of Pittsburgh,
I know a bishop who was so dumb
he bet on the
college of cardinals
to win in the Rose Bowl.
- Oh Sister Mary Youngman.
- Oh Sister Mary
Youngman, shame on you!
- Come on, Sisters,
these are the jokes.
- We've been sitting
here for an hour
you better make a move.
- I know, I know.
- Come on, big fella.
Gotta try the freeway sometime.
(whimsical music)
- It was Henny Youngman
who once said to me,
take my whoopie, please.
(comic music)
(boinging)
(splashing)
- [Gary] This
portion of Laugh In
is brought to you by
new Bold detergent.
Now with new cleaning energy
to make even your
bold one's things
so clean they're bright.
- In my short but dynamic
career as a sportscaster
I've been labeled
arrogant, obnoxious,
repugnant, insolent,
vain, intolerable,
insincere, picayune,
outrageous, unattractive,
and even a slob.
But that's just from
my family and friends.
(audience laughter)
- Charlie, you've been
sitting there for three hours.
When you gonna start rocking?
- Oh I,
I thought I was!
(audience laughter)
- What happened
to the flying nun?
- I don't know, lets ask
Sister Mary Youngman.
- Sister Mary Youngman,
whatever happened
to the flying nun?
- Oh, she was
hijacked by a rabbi.
Laugh it up, Sisters.
What is this, and oil
painting or a congregation?
(audience laughter)
- But seriously folks,
I'd like to say a few
words about accupuncture.
(audience laughter)
- A lot of people say that
football players are dumb.
Well I'm hear to tell
you that am not true.
- Well if there are no
more questions this week
I'd like to tell you about
my hunting trip to Mexico.
I went down to Veracruz,
and we were actually out
for the white wing dove.
There weren't a
lot of white wings,
we got some morning doves.
And um...
(trombone flutters)
- Huh, music to your ears, huh?
Okay, everybody lay
some sounds on me.
Ee chee ya ya gaga ga, do do do.
- (Several voices) Ee chee
ya ya gaga ga, do do do.
- A saba daba, ee ee ah ah, ooh!
- (Several voices) A saba
daba, ee ee ah ah, ooh!
- Well hold it, hold it.
- They're doing good!
They're hot out there!
- Wait a minute,
what are you up to?
- Well I was up to the third bar
until you stopped me.
Man I feel real gravy to night.
- That's groovy.
- Oh thank you.
- You look more like gravy.
- Just wait'll you
hear my whole group
it'll knock you out.
- Your whole what group?
- Well it's Dick Martins
Take It and Fake It
All Star New Orleans
Original Syncopated
Swing and Sway Jazz Five.
- That it?
- Plus one.
- Plus one.
- Shoo be doo be doo.
- (Several voices)
Shoo be doo be doo!
- Shoo doo be doo be.
- (Several voices)
Shoo doo be doo be.
- Will you stop that?
(audience laughing)
This is ridiculous.
You don't know
anything about music.
- I voot on your rooni.
- You voot on...
(audience laughter)
- I'll have you
know that I belong
to musicians union local 46.
- Well for your information,
the local musicians union is 47.
- Well I got here early.
La dee da dee da da da!
- (Several voices) La
dee da dee da da da!
- La dee da dee da.
- (Several voices)
La dee da dee da.
- You wanna forget
that la dee da stuff
I wanna hear you
play the trombone,
you're such a great
musician, go on.
- I'm not in the mood.
- You're not in the mood.
If you're not gonna play it
why do you carry it around?
- Well for one thing,
it helps speed up
the line at the commissary.
(audience laughter)
- You know what I think?
- Lay off the mayonaise.
Makes a great
shoehorn for boots too.
- I think you're a fake.
- Ha!
- You don't know
anything about music.
- Are you, sir,
calling me a fake?
- Yes sir.
- Well for your information
my whole family
was very musical.
- Who?
- My uncle Otto played 15 years
with John Phillip
Souza's orchestra.
- Fifteen years?
- Yes, five years
with each of them.
(audience laughter)
He played first hammershlag.
- He played first,
what's a hammershlag?
- I don't know
but he had to quit
after he cauliflowered his lip.
- Come on now, you
gonna play that thing or not?
- Okay you win.
- I can't wait to hear this.
- Ah dee da dee da!
(slide whistle) (crash)
Well, you wanna mail
me one of those back?
I think I got a part missing.
- Well I've known
that for a long time.
- I better sing.
Shoo be doo be doo!
- (Several voices)
Shoo be doo be doo!
- We're getting better!
Sha ba da dee da!
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- You know being on television
is very insecure work.
I mean the networks can cut you
off the air at any
time they want-
(audience laughter)
- Doctor, my wife
is a little hoarse.
What shall I give her?
- Give her a carrot
and a lump of sugar
every two miles.
(audience laughter)
- No, no, Charlie.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
Bernie is getting suspicious.
- Not tonight, I've
got to whoopie.
(whimsical music)
- Give me a straight shot.
And give this coward one too.
- No man ever called
me a coward and lived.
- You're a coward.
- Only one man has ever
called me a coward and lived.
Jimmy Cagney.
(all laughing)
- Say man, Charlie really
smokes like a chimney.
- He sure does.
(audience laughter)
- I'm developing
a new line of bats
for the Gay Liberation
Baseball League,
it's called the
Louisville Slapper.
- Excuse me I'm looking for
something for my husband.
He's six foot seven
and weighs 490 pounds.
- Bring him in,
he can try on one of
our dressing rooms.
(audience laughter)
- Hi.
Can you fill this prescription?
- Sure thing, my man.
- Thank you.
Oh.
(water splashing)
- What made you start swimming?
- Well it was the
best alternative
I could think of to sinking.
- The Internal Revenue Story,
take everything.
(shouting)
- Thank you, Audrey from Mizusa!
And now, our next contestant
in our amateur strip contest!
The sensuous
librarian from Lompoc!
Miss Gladys "The Grinder"
Ormphby!
(cheers)
(jazz music)
(Taps on trumpet)
(audience laughter)
(jazz music)
(crowd jeering)
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
- It's time once again,
for another page in our
crime stoppers notebook.
Next time you go out of town,
turn out all the lights,
and let the newspapers
pile up on your porch.
Then when a burglar
comes to rob your house,
he will see all those newspapers
and naturally will
want to read them.
But he won't be able
to read the newspapers
because all your lights are out.
So he will go someplace else.
Thank you.
(audience laughter)
- [Dispatcher] Headquarters
to One Adam 12, do you read?
- We read you, headquarters.
- [Dispatcher] Are we clear?
- Loud and clear, headquarters.
- [Dispatcher] Any static?
- No, no static, go ahead.
- [Dispatcher] Good,
here's your assignment.
There are 14 men
with sub machine guns
running amok on
Hollywood and Vine.
- Cannot read you, headquarters!
Come in, headquarters!
(audience laughter)
(whimsical music)
- You know I started
out in life as a lawyer
which is rather
unusual right there.
Most people begin as babies.
- My uncle drinks a
quart of Geritol everyday.
He's got so much
iron in his blood
that my aunt uses
him to roll the lawn.
(audience laughter)
- A drunk came
home the other night
covered with large, black spots.
When his wife asked
him what happened
he said some mugger
beat him with a dalmatian.
(audience laughter)
(Mediterranean music)
(Screeching)
What's the news around the harem
This whole joint is harem scarem
This is getting too confusing
Speak up girls,
this ain't amusing
Ladies and gents,
Baghdad look to the news
With Dan and Dick
- And all the news, with
Anne Boleyn in the tower.
Dean Martin pouring
a whiskey sour.
Bees buzzing from
flower to flower.
And I can go on like
this for another hour.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First these news headlines.
- Beautiful princess
choked to death
when frog in her
throat turns into prince.
- MGM making an
all Black version of
Gone With the Wind, Flip Wilson
to play Scarlet O'Hara.
- Ralph Nader
recalls Vickie Carr.
- And now because
we can't avoid it,
here's tonight's news,
the present with Dick.
- Well another case of mistaken
syndicate hit was revealed today
when it became known
that six months ago
the mob accidentally
threw Jacques Cousteau
into the East River.
Tragedy was averted, however,
when Mr. Cousteau
built a house at the bottom
and has lived there ever since.
Wrote a few books.
- New York City,
going along with
the trend established at
the Democratic Convention
when women's lib insisted on
the presiding female officer be
referred to as chairperson.
The governor of New
York announced today
that from now on
he shall be known
as Nelson Rockerperson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And now here's Dan
with something or other.
- The news of the
future, 50 years from now
fashion designers have decreed
that the unisex look in clothes
is a fashion must for everyone.
This year both men and
women will dress exactly alike.
The men say they don't like it
because they can't tell
what they're following
until they bump into it.
- Then it's too late.
- Yes. (Both laughing)
Or too early, as
the case may be.
News of the future, 20 years
from now, Washington DC.
Today the president
signed into law
the legalization of marijuana.
Congress immediately
celebrated by
having a joint session.
Can you dig it?
(audience laughter)
- And now let's
take two aspirin.
And go to Dr. Martha
Wilby with the medical news.
- The American
Medical Association
today announced that
a Dr. Steven Spears
has discovered a
fantastic new youth serum.
Dr. Spears, however,
could not be reached
to confirm or deny this report,
as it was time for
him to go nighty-night.
(audience laughter)
- Hey let's go to
the Nether regions
for another news item from hell.
- Hey, hell's bells, wee!
Rents were due today.
And all across
hell there has been
the devil to pay.
Get it?
Ah, you see, these jokes
are part of the punishment.
- Now lets make the
scene with heavy Helen.
- Say hey, it's heavy
Helen making the scene,
like I mean, like wow.
I mean, like too much, you know.
I mean, like 30 of us
formed a commune.
And like we share the food,
and like we share the work,
and like I find I eat good
and I don't work too hard.
And I like everybody like there.
I mean, in fact I never
met 29 nicer guys.
(audience laughter)
I mean like wow.
Like heavy, really heavy.
Oh!
- Now a look at our star border
between China and Russia.
- (Russian accent) I can't
wait for my summer vacation.
- (Chinese accent)
Oh, when is that?
- Well I don't know, I
never had a summer.
- You know, they
recently took survey,
of Chinese people to ask opinion
of birth control.
- What were the results?
- I tell you, 20 million
people were against it.
And 780 million
people were for it.
- That's very dumb,
get in the back.
- Three were undecided.
(audience laughter)
- Wanna take a look at
the senior citizen news?
Well you can't help
it, 'cause here it is.
- What light, where?
Yes there's old news tonight!
Mrs. Bertha Fenwick
and Mr. John Botkin
have a announced their
intention of marriage.
Mrs. Fenwick is
78 and Mr. Botkin
bless him, is 81.
The wedding reception
will be celebrated
at a Holiday Inn, where
the bride and the groom
will try and remember what
holiday they're celebrating.
(audience laughter)
- And now to our
foreign bureaus overseas.
- Well where else
would you find a
foreign bureau but overseas?
- I have a foreign
bureau in my bedroom.
I have strange sofa in my den.
- You're a strange looking guy.
First to the island of Borneo.
- We are here on
the Island of Borneo,
talking to the
Minister of Economy.
Sir can you tell us something
about the island's economy?
- Yes, our economy
is very primitive
compared to yours.
We do not even use money.
Instead of money we
use water buffaloes.
We pay for what we
buy with water buffaloes.
But then, there's very
little trading done here.
- Why is that?
- Well because it's so
hard to make change.
- Now to a karate
school in Japan.
- I'm here in Japan
with the world's
greatest woman karate expert.
(gong)
Now tell me,
what is the most
important thing in karate?
- (Japanese accent)
The most important thing
in karate is the eye.
- I'm afraid I don't understand.
- I will demonstrate.
Now, close your eye.
- Okay.
Okay, close my eyes.
- Ah!
You see, the eyes.
You must always keep them open.
(audience laughter)
(Irish music)
- Oh excuse me Marco.
Top of the Christmas
evening news to you.
And it's an exciting
Christmas eve,
Sharon O'Sullivan
beat up her husband
for kissing Bertie Kelly
under the mistletoe.
- Oh!
- She said it wasn't
the kissing I minded.
But they were doing it
three miles outside Dublin
in the Leprechaun Whoopie Motel.
- And on the fourth of July!
(audience laughter)
- Now here's a cheery
note in the news.
- I'd like to hear it.
- A cheery note.
Since the wake
of Patty O'Connell
happened to fall in the midst of
the Christmas season-
- God rest his soul.
- The mourners decided
to stand the casket
up in the corner and decorate it
in keeping with the season.
- Well what do you mean?
- Well now, Mrs. O'Connell said
it warmed the
cockles of her heart
to see dear Patty in
death as he was in life,
lit up like a Christmas tree!
(audience laughter)
(Irish music)
- And that's the news tonight.
Don't forget, it's Nice
No Hostility Week,
punch a friend for lunch.
(screeching song)
- Don't forget to read
Snow White and
the Seven Whoopies.
(audience laughter)
(cheerful music)
- You'd better hurry dear,
or we'll be late
for the theater.
- Just a minute, I
will put on my dress.
(gears winding)
(material tearing)
Will you zip me up dear?
(gears winding)
- Breathe in, sweetheart.
(zipping)
- Oh darling, you shouldn't.
- What else are husbands for?
Where is my jacket?
- It's in the closet.
- Oh here it is.
- I just have to get
my hat off the dresser.
(audience laughter)
- You look stunning dear.
- Oh thank you.
- Let's go, I'll
get the front door.
(crashing)
We ought to go out
like this more often.
(audience applause)
- How long we been here?
- Three hours.
- That's what I
hate about drive-ins,
you have to sit through
a double feature.
- No kid of mine's
gonna say I don't love her.
Evening!
- Evening.
- Are you the proprietor of
this beautiful establishment?
- That's right, what
can I do for you?
- Uh, yeah.
I was wondering if
you'd care to join me
in a toast to the American flag?
A drink to Old Glory.
- Well I uh, don't-
- You're not
unpatriotic, are you?
- No!
- Have you ever been
arrested by the jandar?
- Of course not.
- Good, good,
that settles it then.
I hate to drink with Communists.
(audience laughter)
Set 'em up.
Make mine el grando.
Yeah, it's snowing
in my part of town.
Here we are then.
To the flag!
- To the flag.
- Ah!
My goodness me, how time
flies when you're having fun.
I must be off!
- Wait a minute, you owe
me two bucks for these drinks.
- Please now, no good American
would ever put
such a paltry price
on the love of his country.
And another thing,
never ever serve
ice made of water.
(audience laughter)
- Dandy Don and faultless Frank
kid me about being
conceited and arrogant.
Who needs them!
I'm too big for
those guys anyway.
- Not tonight honey,
I've got a piercing headache.
(rimshot) (audience laughter)
- It was John Wayne who said,
here come the redskins,
put your whoopies in a circle.
Whoopie!
- What's the best way to
get ahold of a manager?
- Personally I prefer
the hammer lock.
You know why?
He didn't use his
deodorant yesterday,
and he might not
use it again today.
- Last night, Father O'Malley
crashed his car into
the confession booth.
- Gracious, how did he do that?
- It was easy, he just
took a left at the third pew.
Please!
(audience laughter)
- Brigit Loves Bernie
is never having to say
you're sorry you're
following All In the Family.
(audience laughter)
- (Shouting) Camp
town lady sing this song,
doo dah (laughing) doo dah!
- Hey bartender!
Will you turn down that jukebox
it's too loud!
- I feel in a romantic
mood, I wanna dance.
Let's see ya!
- Okay.
- I can take a hint, you
wanna sit this one out.
(audience laughter)
Camp town lady sing this song.
Doo dah (laughing) doo dah!
- Isn't it amazing,
Charlie, at our age
we still have all our faculties.
- Oh you're right, Martha.
Remind me to call
General Pershing tomorrow
and congratulate
him on taking France.
- You know your
trouble, don't ya?
You're off your rocker.
(audience laughter)
Wait til I tell them
about that at the club.
(audience laughter)
- Here is today's
astrological forecast.
For all you Aquarians,
do not sit naked
upon an iceberg
between the hours
of nine and 14, because
blue is your bad color.
- Come on, move along.
- Officer what's this
man charged with?
- Taking pictures.
- There's no law against that.
- From the Metropolitan Museum?
Not to mention the art gallery.
- What about the art gallery?
- I told you not to
mention the art gallery.
- Forty days.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I know one
quarterback who was so lousy
that when he was in the army
his weekend passes
were intercepted.
- There seems to
be a trend today
towards newscasters
who try to be funny
even though the news is not.
Well they probably find
something to laugh about
even when reporting
the end of the world.
Like these two.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
Tom and Ross here.
Tonight the world is ending,
and it came to many
people in funny ways.
- Sure did, Ross.
Like Mr. Rex Polier of
Philadelphia (laughs)
he noticed his dog was missing.
Then he went and
opened his door and looked
and the dog was found
but Philadelphia was gone.
(both laughing)
Well one thing
about Philadelphia,
it really moves!
- Yes sir.
Another bright spot in the news,
tourists will now
be able to sail
from England to
Alaska in two days
because Canada is
no longer in the way!
(both laughing)
(audience laughter)
- That's pretty good there.
And now for the local scene.
Uh oh, sounds like there
isn't anymore local scene.
(both laughing)
(audience laughter)
- Oh that's funny, the
world's come to an end,
but we're still here.
(explosion)
- [Booming Voice]
Not anymore you're not.
(audience laughter)
- I should've known better than
to eat right before
coming on Laugh In.
This show is giving
me the cramps.
- How long you been a cop?
- It's my fifth year.
Not counting reruns.
- They wanted me to
pose in Cosmopolitan nude
with my hands over my mouth.
So no one would recognize me.
(whimsical music)
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Good night!
- Yes.
- What do you mean,
you don't wanna hear
what happened to Old Blue?
- No I certainly don't.
- Good, I'll never
forget that night.
I hadn't seen Old
Blue in over 20 years.
I was home sleeping in bed,
when I heard a
scratching at the front door.
(scratching)
Could it be?
Could Old Blue
have found his way
home from France?
I sprang from my
bed! (slide whistle)
And I ran downstairs,
threw open the front
door and there he was!
- Old Blue?
- No, old Deano.
He crawled up the
wrong driveway again.
(audience applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- (All three) Good night, Dick.
- (Spitting) Good night, Dick.
- (Slide whistle)
Good night, Dick.
- [Gary] Appearing as
tonight's surprise guest,
Dan Luckow!
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (Both) Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night,
Dick. (slide whistle)
(audience laughter)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (All) Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, world.
(explosion)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughter)
(squeaking)
(crash)
(crying)