Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 15 - Episode #6.15 - full transcript
- Uh, hiya.
Lucy, will these olives keep
once they've been opened?
- Well, not around
me they won't.
I just love 'em.
Love 'em, love 'em,
love 'em, love 'em.
(audience laughs)
Mmmm... goody,
goody, goody, goody.
- Uh, General Lee, I
believe we'll have to
postpone the surrender.
- Well, why is that, sir?
- Well, I don't know how to
spell app... app... Appomattox.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, come on kid.
Snap out of it.
Come on, look at me.
Who am I?
- Ah, come on now,
Mother, don't play games.
(audience laughs)
- You're okay. Get up.
- Okay I'm getting.
- Hey, Todd, can you count?
- Sure.
One, two, three, four, five.
- Can't you count
any higher than that?
- Sure.
One, two, three, four, five.
(audience laughs)
- Aw, congratulations, Martha.
George has just
been elected president,
and you're the first lady.
- Yes, well, if
I'm the first lady,
why do I keep
seeing all those signs
saying George
Washington slept here?
(audience laughs)
- I can't wait until next week.
I can just lay back,
kick off my shoes
and do nothing all day.
- Going on vacation?
- No, the Sergeant is.
I'm gonna fill in for him.
(audience laughs)
- I have no hope.
- I can help you.
- I have no future.
- I can help you.
- I have no money.
- I cannot help you.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, look here.
Tomorrow daylight
savings time starts.
We better move our clock back.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- What kind of soft
drinks do you have?
- Well, let's see.
We have Coke,
orange and fruit punch.
- I'll have a fruit funch.
- Why, of course.
There you are, you big goose.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, let's see.
This thermometer
is up to 106 degrees.
- Isn't that dangerous?
- Oh no, these things
are built to take it.
(audience laughs)
- Innkeeper, chicken for my men.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Hall of Records
and Adult Bookstore,
NBC, the Nielsen's Been
Complimentary Network,
tries to support its
ratings and its families
by presenting Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauds)
Starring that real high
stepper Dan Rowan,
and that real low
flounder Dick Martin,
with tonight's special
guest Don Rickles
and Ruth Buzzi,
Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Ian Bernard and
his band at large,
and our own beautiful
Downtown Beauties.
With cameo appearances
by Charlie Callas,
Kent McCord, Martin Milner,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word of advice.
If your troubled
with lack of energy,
listlessness, tired
muscles and aching joints,
stay out of those Olympics.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
- Before I started
out in this business,
I took a part time job
in a bubble gum factory.
And one day I fell into a vat.
My boss came along
and really chewed me out.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentleman,
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
- That's enough.
- You're beautiful.
- Thank you very much.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
we really are excited tonight
because we have one
of our favorite people
as a guest star.
- Indeed.
- Yes, sir.
One of the great comedians
of our time Mr. Don Rickles.
- And one of the great
actors of our time, believe me.
- Also, Mr. Don Rickles.
- Hey, hey.
(audience applauds)
- Come on out here.
I want to tell you right away
that we're just delighted.
We know how busy you've been,
and it's very nice of you to
come over and do our show.
- Well, Dick and Dan, I
couldn't sleep all night.
I said, gee, I'm going
to be on Laugh-In.
This is the treat of my career.
- This is it, huh?
- That'll give you a hint
of how the career's going.
(audience laughs)
Really.
- You also look
great, I must say.
- That's a great
looking tux, velvet lapel.
I love it.
The tie, is it clip
on, or did you tie it?
- No, it's a clip on.
I used to be an usher
at the Roxy in New York.
- But these shoes...
- What am I? Some sort of freak?
- No, we want you to look right.
- A shoe shine wouldn't be bad.
- Listen, everything on us, pal.
We'll get you a free one.
Floyd.
- Floyd, take care
of Mr. Rickles' shoes.
- Well you guys are
just tops to help me out.
- Come on, Floyd. How are you?
- How are you doing?
- Good. I spoke to Mamba Coumba.
(audience laughs)
And a lion is sick.
Feeling good, Floyd?
- Feeling good.
- Are they gone the two guys?
I can't stand those two guys.
I can tell you because I
know you can keep a secret.
Floyd?
Floyd, could you
look up once in a while
and find out if
I'm talking to you?
(audience laughs)
I'm so fed up of
doing this show.
They begged. They
came over the house.
Dick, you know the
guy with the funny nose?
I invited him for
dinner the other night
and he breathed in and
sucked up three napkins.
(audience laughs)
I love you, Floyd.
Put it there.
Okay, brothers, right?
- That's right.
- You really believe
that, don't you?
(audience laughs)
- My children are
going to be proud of me
when I tell them I shined
Don Adams' shoes.
- You talking to me?
(audience laughs and applauds)
But I kid you.
You know that, Floyd.
- I know it.
- That's why.
That's what America
has to see, the both sides.
The black man and the
Jewish guy working together.
- That's right.
- Why?
(audience laughs)
But I love you, Floyd.
- I love you, too.
- Look into the camera.
Tell those people
we love each other.
- We love each other.
- Tell them Rowan and
Martin's got the best show on TV.
Hurry up!
(audience laughs)
Tell those people.
Tell those people.
(audience applauds)
Come on, I'll carry the box.
- Let's hear it for Floyd.
That's his first time on TV.
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Saw that red light.
I thought we were in traffic.
- Don, now you've got
a couple of complaints,
but you're working out swell.
You like the dressing
room, don't you?
- Dan, I must say and fan this
to Harry Clydebox over here.
You've been great to me.
I see him socially
more than I do you
only because you're
busy on your raft
going to Honolulu and just
laying around in the ocean
watching sharks die.
But I see this man quite a bit.
He's going you're not
supposed to say that.
He's looking like well
why did he throw that in?
But, you see, you've
taken care of me.
The dressing room is great.
I've moved a few times.
I have a beautiful
dressing room.
I mean that.
A little Bible
and a little table,
I'm sitting there and
there is an old derelict lady
laying on the floor
going help me to walk.
(audience laughs)
It's a great little
room, it really is.
And the costume changes.
- You don't mind
making a few changes?
- No, I mean 12 different
costume changes
for one trick or treat
joke that goes whoom,
right in the big..
- And they say the
star system is dead.
Sir, how would you like to
buy some nude photographs
for only 300 dollars?
- Are you kidding?
What do I look like?
- In this one, not at all bad.
(audience laughs)
Look at the proof.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me a moment.
- Surely, how do I get...
- Wait a minute, fella.
How do I get to Denmark?
- Well, you keep going straight
and when you get there
you can go either way.
(audience laughs)
- Groucho Marx's kid?
- You've got to help me.
There's a maniac chasing me.
You've got to help me.
- Well, why don't
you call a policeman?
- Oh no, I don't
want to get involved.
(audience laughs)
- What a lousy actress.
She looked like a bad umbrella.
Guess you ran out of actors.
And me like a dumbbell,
I'm looking at the highway.
I'm waiting for a
little dwarf to come in
with skates on his you know what
going want to buy candy?
But this is a great show.
It really is.
It's rolling right along.
- And you're having a good time.
- Oh, sure.
Hey, what else would I be doing?
I'd be sitting home in
my two rooms on Figaro
listening to the
tea kettle go woo.
- French Foreign
Legion Countrymen,
Fellow Roman
legionnaires and butterflies,
I just want to say it's
a wonderful pleasure
to be here
on Laugh-In.
I just came in from (inaudible).
I was doing a show there
for the French garishment
that lasted the hold outs.
I wanted to pay my respects
to the late Dick and Dan.
You know, I'd love
to do more for you,
but unfortunately my
plane is parked in Burbank.
I'm taking off to do a show
in Brunswick, New Jersey.
Well, that's the way it goes.
I have to go visit
my sick girlfriend.
She's suffering
from diaper rash.
Until then, over there.
Over there.
(audience applauds)
(disco music)
- Yesterday, Brian, I
was attacked in the park.
- Well, did you scream for help?
- Oh, he didn't need any.
He was doing alright by himself.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Using those for
bait, ay Dennis?
- Yeah.
- What are you trying to catch?
- Martinis.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- You know, my girl and I
tried out one of those new
bathtubs for two last night,
and it was terrific.
- Gee, it must
hold a lot of water.
- Water?
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- America's a country
where eventually a black man
will live in a white house.
- Yeah, sooner or later,
it's gotta be condemned.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Hi, Dick.
Hi, Don.
You want to dance?
- Well, alright.
(audience laughs)
- Hey have you read Jackie
Onassis' new travel book?
Well you ought to
rush out and get it.
It's called How to See
Europe on 25,000 dollars a day.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was waiting for
the light to come on.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- [Don] Now, Lily.
(audience laughs)
- One, two, three.
When kids today say they
believe in long engagements,
that means they're going
to wait until the baby comes.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- You know something, Moosie?
Yesterday my mother asked
me if I would like to have
a little baby brother
or a little baby sister.
- What'd you tell her?
- I told her if it was
all the same to her,
I'd rather have a pony.
(audience laughs)
- It's my voice.
Everybody laughs
at the sound of it.
Can you help me?
- By the powers within me I say,
give this man, give
this man a voice.
- Hello?
Hey, you made me very happy.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
(audience laughs)
- Charlie, why do
you fold your tongue
in your mouth like that?
- Because if I put
it in my pocket,
I'd get lint all over it.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal crashes)
- I'm sorry, Harrison,
but I told you
there's no man in the moon.
However, there is a
lady in the sea of fertility.
(audience laughs)
- Your attention, please.
Will the hippie-type
person who ordered the
peace and love branding iron,
please pay for it in cash,
as the Trust in
Brotherly Love Foundry
does not accept checks.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
- Do this, dummy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Give me all the
cash in the drawer.
- I swear I see you
twice a week, don't I?
- Put it in a bag.
- You got it right now.
I ain't fooling around
with you robbers.
Ooh, I'm catching
the nails here.
- Give it to me,
come on, come on.
- Wait, wait, Mr. Robber.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
You forgot the trading stamps.
See I give you 400 dollars,
one, two, three, four, five, six
- Can you speed it up a little?
- Seven, eight, nine.
There you are.
You need a book?
- No. (audience laughs)
- Honey, I've done it.
I've invented instant glue.
- Oh wonderful!
Hug me!
- I can't.
- One thing you've
got to say about Dick,
although he's got a brain,
he never lets it go to his head.
(audience laughs)
Why am I saying these things?
I'm so bad.
- Dr. Chang, I understand
you use these acupuncture
needles as anesthetics,
but how do you
prevent the patient
from feeling the
acupuncture needle?
- Well, we give them
a shot of Novocain.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
Give me a minute, folks.
I'm just breaking up because
what you're going
to hear next is bad.
Hi, it's your Hollywood
reporter on the set
of the new Carmen
Veranda picture
about women's lib
in South America
called Burning Their Brazils.
Now, if that gets
by the censors,
we've got a big
game ahead of us.
Here comes the star now.
Welcome Miss Veranda.
- Hello, how are you?
- Pretty good. How are you?
Wonderful, you come from Greece?
Now, later on I put chicken fat
on your stomach
and the snake dies.
Wearing that famous hat of fruit
must certainly make
you instantly recognizable.
- You don't know the most of it.
Wherever I'm going I'm
being followed all the time.
- Let me see your pants.
Who am I talking to?
- All the time I'm
being followed.
- Good. Later on we
go over to the house
and we do the merengue.
- Now, by your fans?
- I'm having a hard
time picking up my props
when I don't get the cues.
- Well, I'm going to
grab you by the head
and punch you.
Now, my time out, Green Bay.
Now, listen, by your fans?
- No, no. By these stupid flies.
- Then why do you
wear fruit on your head?
- Because the soup
runs down my cheeks.
Tickle, tickle.
(audience laughs)
- I didn't need that
little tickle tickle.
What's that you're using there?
Is that hair spray?
- No, Raid.
(audience laughs)
- If my wife wasn't here
tonight I could make moves.
Now, on second thought,
I'd probably turn you down.
Listen, how long have
you been in the business?
Are these toughies?
When you hear the
bell, go to geometry.
How long have you
been in this business?
- In this business?
Show business?
- No, in this business.
As a mechanic.
How long have you been
in the show business?
- I've been in the show
business 25 years.
Since I was a little kid.
- Yes.
- And if I don't get out soon,
I'm gonna gonna gonna
gonna gonna go bananas.
- Oh, you play the bongos.
How's the movie going so far?
- It's fabulous, great,
absolutely wonderful,
spectacular,
wonderful, so fantastic,
I don't think it's
going to be more
better than anything
in the whole world,
it's so fantastic, it's
sensational, it's fantastic,
it's wonderful, it's
sensational best.
Or else I'm going to eat my hat.
- Okay, that's up to you.
Folks, you just heard her.
From the State
Veterans Hospital,
one of the real banana broads.
Wonderful, sweetheart.
I don't want to be in
this with her anymore.
(audience laughs and
applauds) (bright music)
(whip snaps)
(big band music)
- What's the news
across the nation?
(audience applauds)
We have got the information.
In a way we hope will amuse you.
We just love to
give you our views,
shoobie doobie doo.
Ring a ding swinger.
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Looking at the news.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now
here's the Laugh-In News
with animals going
onto the ark in pairs,
the Paris peace
talk splitting hairs,
airlines upping their fares,
and David Cassidy's
sleeps in the nude.
Who cares?
And now with the news,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Here are the news headlines.
- Jack Anderson makes
error then exposes himself.
(audience laughs)
- Bobby Fisher agrees
to do his own TV series
provided no cameras are used.
- Milton Burrow steals Henny
Youngman's wife, please.
- And now here's Dick
with his news of the present
because his future
looks pretty bleak.
- Dateline Los Angeles.
Yes, that's an
Indian pronunciation
you wouldn't know about.
Dateline Los Angeles
last Friday 25 women
were arrested for marching
down Hollywood Boulevard
in the nude.
Three days later
they were brought
to the police
station and booked.
When asked why it took
them so long to arrest them,
the exhausted chief of
the vice squad replied
well first we had to
dust them for fingerprints.
(audience laughs)
I was glad I was
on that one, too.
I was covering that story.
Lansing, Michigan
Mr. E. Gregory Hookstratten
who recently underwent
a sex change operation
continues to live at home
with this wife and two children.
During the first week
back a friend asked his wife
who was that lady I
saw you with last night?
And she said that was no lady,
that was my husband.
(audience laughs)
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Louisville Kentucky
20 years from now
Colonel Harland Sanders came
to a most unusual end today.
According to early reports,
he was on his way home
when he was suddenly
attacked by 400 revenge crazed
chickens who were
heard crying out
Get him, get him,
he's finger licking good.
(audience laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now
South Bend, Indiana.
The Notre Dame football team
announced its regrets today
at having to turn down
what would have been
their first Negro quarterback.
Spokesman for the team
Alex Raboskyinzankowitz
said it was nothing personal.
It just wouldn't be the
fighting Irish anymore.
And now to our foreign
news bureau all over the world.
- We're about to talk
with Jacques Vachon,
a man who'ss been living in
this jungle for over a year now.
Here he comes now.
Jacques, Jacques, tell me,
did living alone in this jungle
cause any ill effect?
- Not at all, not at all.
- Why are you
carrying this rock?
- This ain't no rock.
It's my wife.
(audience laughs)
- And here's a report from
the China Russian border.
- By the way, what are you
having for dinner tonight?
- Something different.
Rice on a shingle.
- You people eat
much, much rice.
- You said it.
I didn't.
You said it.
We not know if we
fight for Chairman Mao
or Uncle Ben.
(audience laughs)
- Red joke, I think
we should defect.
- Ah, with you.
- You say nothing,
I'll say nothing.
- Now to our lady in
paradise for the heavenly news
here's Angel Good.
- Heaven, I'm in Heaven.
Scooby doobie.
Hi, Angel Good here
with the good news for you.
I'll tell you, Michelangelo
was at a party last night
and when somebody
said that his artwork on the
Sistine Chapel was awful,
Michelangelo hit the ceiling.
(audience laughs)
Aw, that was rich.
Can't get much higher than this.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Marie Antoinette,
I'm telling you,
she gets on my nerves.
She was supposed to
appear as a speaker last week
at one of our luncheons.
She forgot all about it.
I'll tell ya, that woman
would forget her head
if it wasn't attached to her...
Oops, that was
insensitive of me.
(audience laughs)
Oh, one last item.
Lizzie Borden has
opened up a delicatessen
and you know what
her specialty is?
Chopped liver.
That Lizzie always
was a funny devil.
- [God] A funny what?
Aw, cool it.
Anyway, back to
you Dan and Dick.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven.
Scooby doobie dobbie dobbie waah
- Having presented
the news from Heaven,
we now give equal
time to the lower regions.
So let's all go to Hades.
(bell rings)
- Hell's Bells.
Here's the news.
Now, here's a hot item.
The Emperor Nero has
been cast into the burning pit.
Guess you might say
the fat's on the fire now.
You might say that.
Now here's a fashion hook.
I just saw Mata Hari.
Boy, she looked awful.
She was wearing a
long bulky high neck outfit
to conceal all her charm.
I asked her why and she said
Flip Wilson made
me buy this dress.
(audience laughs)
I'll be dammed.
- [God] You already are.
- You didn't like Flip Wilson?
I thought it was good.
(audience applauds)
Hold it down.
- Here's a recent
statement from a member
of the League Against Obsenity.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] He seems
to find this amusing.
Let's hope we do.
- Rolling right along.
Shirley Temple, Pat Boone
and the Girl Scouts of America
recently sponsored a
symposium on the subject
of pornography.
Speaking to an audience
which included Lawrence Welk,
Roy Rogers, and several
members of congress,
Miss Temple said that
the filth factories were
undermining a moral
fiber to a fantastic degree.
Mr. Boone in his address
demanded a return to
simple movies about folks
just having a good time.
In closing, they asked
the moral support
from Chief Justice Berger
and the Supreme Court.
- Now here's what could
happen to the same speech
in the hands of an
unfriendly editor.
I understand a very unusual
X rated movie has just
been released, sir.
Whom does this
pornographic movie star?
- Shirley Temple, Pat Boone
and the Girl Scouts of America.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Well who else
is in this dirty movie?
- Laurence Welk, Roy Rogers
and several members of congress.
- What are Pat Boone, Shirley
Temple and the Girl Scouts
of America doing
in a movie like this?
- Just having a good ole time.
- I've heard rumors
that the same producer
is going to do another
pornographic movie.
Who will be in that one?
- Chief Justice Berger
and the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
Tha, tha, that's it, folks.
- Now here's Heavy
Helen, our street freak
with the far out news.
- Oh wow, out of sight,
you know, like heavy.
This is Heavy Helen with
the far freak out news, man.
And so, like, get it together.
Ready, man?
In a recent survey
on whether or not
marijuana should
be like legalized,
one man like declared
that he had like no opinion,
but like they had to ask him
the question like 37 times.
Fantastic, man.
I mean, can you dig it?
Back to you, Dick and Man, Dan.
- Shoobie doobie doo.
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news.
Looking at the news.
(ladies scream)
(audience applauds)
- Frank Sinatra.
Big singer.
Got all his albums.
Thank God he retired.
(audience laughs)
(music)
- Oh, half a ringy dingy.
I just love those.
Two ringy dingies,
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is this Mr. Gene Hackman?
Good.
I'm sorry to bother
you, Mr. Hackman,
while you're
vacationing in Paris,
but... Mr. Hackman,
you'll have to speak up.
You'll have to speak up.
I can't hear you.
This French
connection is terrible.
(audience laughs)
Hello?
Hello?
- 20 years ago I played with
Ingrid Bergman in Notorious.
And 15 years ago I
played with Marilyn Monroe
in Monkey Business.
And 10 years ago I played
with Miss Sophia Loren
in Houseboat.
Now one of these days
I've got to stop playing
and get a job.
(audience laughs)
- Don, you've been in
show business all your life
and you know all about it.
- I certainly do.
- Well, you've been around
Laugh-In for a couple of days.
You've looked around.
What can we do to
improve the show?
- Get off the air.
(audience laughs)
Let me put it to
you another way.
The show is weak.
You're great, Dick.
The other guy is
holding you back.
The one over here who
goes out to forest and goes
is everybody up?
Guy's a dead guy.
You're a riot, you
know what I mean?
You got the funny
nose, the face, the eyes
now if you could talk.
By the way, Dan, I
spoke to the hospital.
You've been running
through the hall again
doing a parakeet number.
Once he's in a home,
it'll be me and you.
With a big show.
He can go back to Hawaii,
and sit on his raft
and play with the oar.
(audience laughs)
(disco music)
- Brian, I just got one of
those terrific microwave ovens.
- Great. How do you like it?
- Oh, it's terrific.
Now I can burn my
dinner in half the time.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
(carnival music)
(whip cracks) (audience laughs)
- The last time I
had this much fun,
I was sitting in
a dentist's chair
while he hit me with a mallet
saying is this the
one that hurts?
(audience laughs)
That's my daughter.
I had her kidnapped and
she found her way back.
(audience laughs)
- Stay tuned for the rest of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
If you saw the
beginning, believe me,
you'll need the rest.
(audience laughs)
(chickens cluck) (rooster crows)
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch that...
Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- You're saying I just got
to make on a malicious
on a miscellaneous ma...
- Let's get going.
Let's get going.
I've got a
Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- But I just got a make
on a miscellaneous
malicious mischief lingerer.
- Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- Wait a minute, I just
got a make on a malicious
on a miscellaneous malicious...
- Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- I've got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious ma...
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- And I've got a make on
a miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- Well first the make
on the malicious...
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Wait a minute.
I just got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- I just got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- Well what first?
The make on the malicious
mischief malingerer?
- No, let's do the 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Forget 'em both
and let's take the
perfectly perpetrated
pocket pick in the park.
Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- But I got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- What first?
The make on the miscellaneous
malicious mischief malingerer?
- No, let's take the 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Oh, forget them both.
Let's take the perfectly
perpetrated pocket pick
in the park.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Hi.
- How are you today?
- Just fine, thanks.
Listen, I heard the
store was robbed
of a lot of stuff last night.
- Oooh, I tell ya, it was.
And the boss says we've
got to make it up somehow.
- I just want this pack of gum.
- Okay, let's see.
One pack of gum.
That'll be 12 dollars.
(audience laughs)
- It's my appendix.
Can you help me?
- Yes, I can, my son but
you have to have three things.
- Oh, what are they?
- Faith, a miracle, 10
dollars in front money.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's question
and answer time again,
and in the previous weeks,
we've just had an overwhelming
response to this part
of the show that I think
we could probably this week
start in the front row.
Anyone over there
that has any questions?
Well, if not in the front row,
we can go right
on to the second.
Just put your hands...
(horse hooves clopping)
- Whoa.
Hey ho, Silver.
Ho.
- Hi, Dick.
- How'd you know it was me?
How did you
penetrate this disguise?
- Well, I just
took a wild guess.
- Well, guess why
I'm acting like this?
- With your brains, you
haven't got much choice.
- Well la dee da.
I'm tall in the saddle,
you notice that?
- You certainly are, yes.
Your boosters break?
- No, this happens
to be a disguise.
- That's a disguise.
- Yes, I went somewhere
where I didn't belong.
- Well, that lets
out the funny farm.
Where did you go
that you didn't belong?
- Well, not too loud, but
I went to a pornographic
movie and I didn't want
anyone to recognize me.
- What? Why would you
go to a place like that?
- I had my reasons.
- Well, that's disgusting,
lewd, immoral,
obscene and filthy.
- Hey, that's pretty good.
You had one more
reason than I had.
(audience laughs)
- You must have felt
pretty silly sitting in a theater
dressed like that.
- You think I looked silly,
you should've seen
what the guy next to me
was wearing under his blond wig.
- What was he wearing?
- Nothing.
- Well, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself
going to a pornographic movie.
- What? There's nothing
wrong with a normal man
going to a pornographic movie.
- Normal, alright.
But why were you there?
- Actually I was
doing some research,
and did you know that
90 percent of the people
there are asthmatics?
- What do you mean asthmatics?
- Because all I could
hear was ha ha ha ha.
- What was the
name of this movie?
- The name of the
movie was called
Harry Slept with His Robe Open.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I hope you don't
spend your money on one
of those places again.
You know the people
that make movies like that
have no scruples?
- No, but a couple
of them had a rash.
High ho, Silver, away.
(audience applauds)
- Any questions at all?
- I'd like to tell a joke here,
but why interrupt
the flow of the show?
- I just went to
my first wrestling...
I went, I saw this
match that was so...
There was something, there
were eyes, where the lip gets,
there's this gashing,
you know they take,
their arms they were
twisted, their joints,
there was punch, huge
sweaty bodies, they were just
rolling and tossing and big,
they would put their heels
right in their mouth, they
didn't care. Hair there were
fists full, it was flying,
it was merciful, it was..
When the wrestlers came
into the arena in the audience
they finally pulled
those ladies apart.
(audience laughs)
- Israeli Leader Golda
Meir began two days of
high level talks with
President Nixon today.
At the conference
table she turned to him
and confided
ookie pookie pookie.
- Hey Moosie, I
have a girlfriend.
- What could you
do with a girlfriend?
- Well, we play
husband and wife.
- What fun is that?
- Great! You get to fight a lot.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, dummy, this is
your mother Etta Rickles,
known to her intimates
as Mrs. Warmth.
What's the matter, dummy?
You don't answer me.
Would somebody throw him a fish?
- Look, I...
- Look, I... now that's a
very snappy comeback.
Look, I.
Did you write that one yourself?
- But I...
- But I... I didn't think
you could top Look I,
but you did it right
then and there.
But, that's really swell.
Say, I hear CBS is going
to give you another crack
at a TV show, talk
about your dummies.
- Come on, Mom.
- Come on, Mom.
There you go again.
How do you keep
coming up with them?
And they said you wouldn't
make it as a comedian.
They were right.
Why don't you try combing
your tongue the other way?
- But Mom...
- But Mom, that's good,
but it's no come on, Mom.
Well, listen, I
gotta hang up now.
I'm sick of listening to ya.
(audience laughs)
- She's a nice old broad
if I could only get her
to come out of her shell.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- When I was little,
a pastor of mine
said six words to me
that changed my life.
- Well, what did he say?
- He said look out
for that truck, stupid.
(audience laughs)
- This salad looks good.
- Wait a minute, what's
the matter with you?
Don't you have
any manners at all?
You're supposed to eat
salad with a salad fork.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- And get your
elbows off the table.
That's not polite.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's a good thing
you're here tonight.
You might be able to
learn something from
Laugh-In's Polite
Look at Manners.
- How about that?
- What?
- Don't you know
it's not polite to point?
- Well you learned
something already.
Who told you that?
- Well, the fat
broad over there.
(audience laughs)
Every time she
takes the girdle off,
balloons go up.
- May I?
- Beg your pardon?
- Please.
- And thank you.
- Very truly.
- How'd ya do?
- Everybody practice
good manners.
It's the only thing to do.
- You dummy.
- If you always
practice politeness
lucky things will come to you.
- You ding dongs.
- If you see a lady of 80
waiting for a subway seat,
tell the lady
nicely you're lucky
you are standing on your feet.
- Old lady.
- Waiting for a
movie start shoving.
- Shoving with
a great big smile.
- Pookie, pookie, pookie.
- Driving on the
freeway, start cussing.
- Cussing with a lot of style.
- You deralict hockey pucks.
- If you see a hubcap
- You like it, take
it as a souvenir.
- 'Cause when
you pull a rip off,
good manners.
- Dear I love your outfit.
- How's the family?
- Hoity toity.
- Parlez vous?
- Never could the
doggy why bother?
We are too polite for that.
When we got to
lift her, we lift her,
but we always lift the hat.
- If a person bugs
us, - We smile.
- And kick the
person in the rear.
- Even when we're
fighting, good manners.
Even when we're
cussing, good manners.
Even when we're
shoving, good manners.
- Dear I love you truly.
Yours sincerely.
Pardon me and toodaloo.
- Hope you all go in the park
and a sap drips on a squirrel
when he sucks up the trees.
(audience laughs)
- I don't mind my dates
dropping me off early,
but the least they could
do is stop the car first.
(audience laughs)
- Tut, tut, tut.
It is not nice to
reach for the potatoes.
You'll ask me to
pass them to you.
- Okay. Would you be so kind...
- Uh huh
- As to pass me the potatoes.
- That's better.
(audience laughs)
Want some garnish?
- No thanks. Here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Have a little garnish.
- And one for the baby.
- Thank you very much.
Here.
How's that?
- That's much better.
- You're welcome.
- Can I get a wrist corsage?
- Here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- My very proper aunt
refuses to eat fried chicken
with her fingers.
That's why she's known
as Old Greasy Toes.
(audience laughs)
- The proper way to
call your waiter is to raise
two fingers and
nod your head gently
and not like this (whistles)
(audience laughs)
- If at a formal luncheon
you are chewing tobacco,
you must never
expectorate on the floor.
- Unless the
hostess spits first.
- In my library, I have
a book of etiquette.
Every child should
be given this book.
And to most of them it
should be given right across
the surface of their posterior.
In other words, give
them a shot in the behind.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
- Young man, would you
mind letting me sit down?
- Get lost, you old bag.
- Don't you have any manners?
- Excuse me.
Please get lost, you old bag.
(audience laughs)
- Having manners
means not being rude.
For instance the other day
some women's liberation
ladies demonstrated
at the Ringling Brothers
and Barnum and Bailey circus.
- Yes, they all gathered around
the half man half
woman side show
yelling Hooray for our side.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not doing anything
tonight if you're interested.
- Marie, how many
times must I tell you?
You pick up from the right.
- I'm not doing anything
tonight if you're interested.
(audience laughs)
- My place.
- Oh come on, baby, come on.
- Charlie, I can't.
You know I love you, but
my mother always told me
never to kiss on the first date.
(audience laughs)
- Where's the
maid of honor then?
- She's there.
- Fur coat?
It's lovely.
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
- There.
- Oh, thank you.
- Now just a moment, my dear.
Let me put your coat on.
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Quite brisk tonight, isn't it?
Good night.
- Even when we're
fighting, good manners.
Even when we're
cussing, good manners.
Even when we're
shoving, good manners.
- Hope you jump on your
bikes and there's no seat.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I hope you sit
around in the park
and rain drops right
on the back of you
and you become a waffle.
Give me a break.
I'm the only guy.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to this demonstration
of the science of hypnotism.
And may I introduce my
assistant Shacoontala.
I am going to put her
in a deep trance by
repeating go to sleep.
(audience laughs)
Oh good.
Shacoontala is now in a deep
trance which no human power
can awaken her.
(audience laughs)
Go to sleep.
You are now in a deep sleep.
Deep sleep.
Oh good.
But although you
are in a deep sleep,
you can still hear
every word I say.
(audience laughs)
You are now inflexibly rigid.
Wala!
Yes, well now what
I am going to do is
suspend my assistant's body
between these two chairs.
Yes, and what I'm going
to do is put her over here
like so and then put
her on the two chairs.
Are you ready, huh?
We are ready, yes.
Okay, here we go.
She is getting a little heavy.
And I put her there.
And put her feet there.
She is completely rigid.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know if he
looks better in a wig.
Why don't you ask him?
- Well he said Sargent,
I didn't have a pencil.
(cymbal crashes)
- My name is
Bligh, Captain Bligh,
and I'd like to report a mutiny.
- You mean the
mutiny on the bounty?
- The mutiny on the
bounty was 200 years ago.
- I know, but I didn't
get mad about it
until this morning.
Everybody on deck.
- Excuse me.
Hey fellas, have you seen
a black and white pussy cat
with a long tail?
- No.
- Well, this is
what they look like.
- Aww.
- Would you like to help a
poor unfortunate alcoholic?
- Yes, I would.
- Well, here, give him this.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Do you have - not you -
but do you have two fives
for a 10?
- Why sure, here's
your two fives.
- Thank you. Here's your 10.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- See ya at the navy
yard in about an hour.
Well, while we're
going underground,
I might as well live it up.
- Moosie, have
you heard this one?
Why did the lone
ranger ride his horse
to town every Tuesday?
- I don't know. Why?
- Because the horse
was too heavy to carry.
(audience laughs)
- I heard that one.
- 6806, library 11.
- 6804, library two.
(audience laughs)
Hi folks, I'm a convict.
Read the number and win a prize.
When my wife dies,
you're gonna be my girl.
So you know how lonely I am.
A lot of people think I'm bald,
but that's not true.
I just happen to
have shiny pink hair.
The assistant director is
going this is funny stuff.
Why aren't I in this?
So far this show hasn't
done anything for my career
hepatitis couldn't do.
Can you tell me how do
you get to Beverly Hills?
- Yeah, try marrying a doctor.
- I haven't seen this
much exciting talent under
one roof since the
Battle of the Bands
between Lawrence Welk
and the Picture Suck a Bubble
and Guy Lombardo who
said as he stood on the float
in Jones Beach said
we're going under.
(audience laughs)
The card kid went
that's not there.
- Hey Don, I've
got a great idea.
Why don't we put
our acts together?
We'll do one act?
- Well, if we put your
night club act together
with my night club act,
we'd have one
good night club act.
Mine.
That's it for us, folks.
You have anything?
- How are you?
- Good.
- One bottle of
pop, that's 25 cents.
I'll put that in a sack for you.
- You broke it.
- Well, it don't matter.
That was a
non-returnable bottle.
We don't lose a cent.
(audience laughs)
- Let's have three wenches.
- Well, they have Esmerelda,
Roxanne and Marie.
- What about Lady Rochford?
- Okay, but you know
Rochford is 25 cents extra.
(audience laughs)
- I could rock this
chair right off the porch
if I wanted to,
but I do not think I will today.
You know what happened?
In the backyard I
found this wiggly lizard
and I took him to school
to play show and tell.
And I wanted him to be a secret.
So I had to hold
him very tightly
so my arm wouldn't jiggle.
And I told about him
and I told about him
and then a horrible
thing happened.
When I opened my
hand to show him,
I held him just a
little bit too hard.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Oh, sure, sure, I know
Universal just made a movie
about an invisible man,
but they did it with
special effects and props.
I went one better.
I've got a real invisible man.
What do you mean?
What do you mean
where will I find him?
I've already found him.
He's sitting here right
in front of me right now.
We're trying to work out a deal.
Now let me tell you something,
he's a real pain in the neck.
He's short tempered
and excitable.
I'll call you after
he goes, okay?
Yeah, same to you.
Now look, I just
can't see it your way.
It's 500 dollars,
take it or leave it.
(audience laughs)
It's the best I can do.
You haven't made
a picture in years.
I don't care what you do.
I can't go any higher.
You can't just
come in here and...
Hey look...
Alright, that does
it for you, pal.
Oh, there goes my pants.
You can't just come in here
and knock me around
as if you were a big star.
Get out and stay out.
I don't ever want
to see you again.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- I never realized it.
You look like Gloria Steinem.
- I outta.
I'm her mother.
(audience laughs)
- Tod, what are you going
to be when you grow up?
- I don't know, but my
daddy says if the war's still on,
I might be a Canadian.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Ah.
- Hello, Don.
It's a shame to wake
you up just for this.
- Well, you know,
long night's work.
It's the statue behind me
that's making me go bananas.
Well, I gave a pint
of blood last week.
- Oh, when was that?
- Right after I told
the guy in the alley
he couldn't have my money.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Hey, why are you
always kissing the girls?
- Because every
time I kiss the boys,
they go and slap my head.
- Hey Gladys, how'd
you like to join me
for my nightly constitutional?
- Oh, I'd love to,
Don, but why me?
- Well I just moved
into Beverly Hills
and they're very
strict there you know.
In fact they told me
if I go out at night,
I better go walking a dog.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, you better hide.
It must be my husband.
In the closet, hurry.
Come in.
- Honey.
- Darling.
- It's alright, you
can come out.
It's not my husband.
- Oh good.
- Oh if I could only
make my mind up.
- Do you heal broken
bones with just faith?
- I used to, but not anymore.
- Well why not?
- Screaming kept
giving me a headache.
Was it a crash with a car?
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
would like to thank our guest
star tonight Mr. Don Rickles.
(audience applauds)
- Yay.
Don, you were great.
- You really were. Just
marvelous. Super, Don.
- I tell ya, I got chills
just watching me.
- Anything we can do
for you before you go?
- Well, I know you're
not supposed to do this,
but do you think it
would be alright if I said
something to my little kid?
To Larry.
He's just two years old.
His mommy said he could
stay up and watch the show.
- Oh, I can't imagine
anyone objecting
to something like that.
- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Okay, you little dummy.
Get in bed.
Get in bed.
Go in the bathroom
and write on the wall
you little hockey puck.
I'm fed up with you.
(audience laughs)
- While Don's boy is
home doing his homework,
let's take a look at
next week's show.
- Yeah, look up there.
- Wow, look at that.
- [Gary] Carol
Burnett will be with us.
(audience applauds)
and so will Paul Gilbert,
Ross Martin,
Demond Wilson.
- Dick and Dan, wherever
you are, good night.
And don't forget
to buy war bonds.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, chick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Like good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Want a couple of hot numbers?
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Godfather.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Well, good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
I never liked you, Dick.
- Night Dick.
- Don't you need a
little salt and pepper?
- I'd love some, thank you.
- [Gary] Also appearing in
tonight's show Duke Haslick.
(audience laughs)
- Somehow I fail to
see the humor in this.
- Well, if you
look at it this way,
it's very funny.
- I think you like this.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Fred Waring don't
know the glee club's alive.
The guy on the end was bad.
Good night, Dick.
We don't need that.
Just do it like all of us.
Why do you people have those
names like Leroy Buckingham?
(audience laughs)
Get names like
our people, Irv Katz.
- (Stuttering) Good night, Dick.
(carnival music)
(audience laughs)
- [Female Voice] Uh ha ha ha.
Lucy, will these olives keep
once they've been opened?
- Well, not around
me they won't.
I just love 'em.
Love 'em, love 'em,
love 'em, love 'em.
(audience laughs)
Mmmm... goody,
goody, goody, goody.
- Uh, General Lee, I
believe we'll have to
postpone the surrender.
- Well, why is that, sir?
- Well, I don't know how to
spell app... app... Appomattox.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, come on kid.
Snap out of it.
Come on, look at me.
Who am I?
- Ah, come on now,
Mother, don't play games.
(audience laughs)
- You're okay. Get up.
- Okay I'm getting.
- Hey, Todd, can you count?
- Sure.
One, two, three, four, five.
- Can't you count
any higher than that?
- Sure.
One, two, three, four, five.
(audience laughs)
- Aw, congratulations, Martha.
George has just
been elected president,
and you're the first lady.
- Yes, well, if
I'm the first lady,
why do I keep
seeing all those signs
saying George
Washington slept here?
(audience laughs)
- I can't wait until next week.
I can just lay back,
kick off my shoes
and do nothing all day.
- Going on vacation?
- No, the Sergeant is.
I'm gonna fill in for him.
(audience laughs)
- I have no hope.
- I can help you.
- I have no future.
- I can help you.
- I have no money.
- I cannot help you.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, look here.
Tomorrow daylight
savings time starts.
We better move our clock back.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- What kind of soft
drinks do you have?
- Well, let's see.
We have Coke,
orange and fruit punch.
- I'll have a fruit funch.
- Why, of course.
There you are, you big goose.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, let's see.
This thermometer
is up to 106 degrees.
- Isn't that dangerous?
- Oh no, these things
are built to take it.
(audience laughs)
- Innkeeper, chicken for my men.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Hall of Records
and Adult Bookstore,
NBC, the Nielsen's Been
Complimentary Network,
tries to support its
ratings and its families
by presenting Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.
(audience applauds)
Starring that real high
stepper Dan Rowan,
and that real low
flounder Dick Martin,
with tonight's special
guest Don Rickles
and Ruth Buzzi,
Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Ian Bernard and
his band at large,
and our own beautiful
Downtown Beauties.
With cameo appearances
by Charlie Callas,
Kent McCord, Martin Milner,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word of advice.
If your troubled
with lack of energy,
listlessness, tired
muscles and aching joints,
stay out of those Olympics.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
- Before I started
out in this business,
I took a part time job
in a bubble gum factory.
And one day I fell into a vat.
My boss came along
and really chewed me out.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentleman,
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
- That's enough.
- You're beautiful.
- Thank you very much.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
we really are excited tonight
because we have one
of our favorite people
as a guest star.
- Indeed.
- Yes, sir.
One of the great comedians
of our time Mr. Don Rickles.
- And one of the great
actors of our time, believe me.
- Also, Mr. Don Rickles.
- Hey, hey.
(audience applauds)
- Come on out here.
I want to tell you right away
that we're just delighted.
We know how busy you've been,
and it's very nice of you to
come over and do our show.
- Well, Dick and Dan, I
couldn't sleep all night.
I said, gee, I'm going
to be on Laugh-In.
This is the treat of my career.
- This is it, huh?
- That'll give you a hint
of how the career's going.
(audience laughs)
Really.
- You also look
great, I must say.
- That's a great
looking tux, velvet lapel.
I love it.
The tie, is it clip
on, or did you tie it?
- No, it's a clip on.
I used to be an usher
at the Roxy in New York.
- But these shoes...
- What am I? Some sort of freak?
- No, we want you to look right.
- A shoe shine wouldn't be bad.
- Listen, everything on us, pal.
We'll get you a free one.
Floyd.
- Floyd, take care
of Mr. Rickles' shoes.
- Well you guys are
just tops to help me out.
- Come on, Floyd. How are you?
- How are you doing?
- Good. I spoke to Mamba Coumba.
(audience laughs)
And a lion is sick.
Feeling good, Floyd?
- Feeling good.
- Are they gone the two guys?
I can't stand those two guys.
I can tell you because I
know you can keep a secret.
Floyd?
Floyd, could you
look up once in a while
and find out if
I'm talking to you?
(audience laughs)
I'm so fed up of
doing this show.
They begged. They
came over the house.
Dick, you know the
guy with the funny nose?
I invited him for
dinner the other night
and he breathed in and
sucked up three napkins.
(audience laughs)
I love you, Floyd.
Put it there.
Okay, brothers, right?
- That's right.
- You really believe
that, don't you?
(audience laughs)
- My children are
going to be proud of me
when I tell them I shined
Don Adams' shoes.
- You talking to me?
(audience laughs and applauds)
But I kid you.
You know that, Floyd.
- I know it.
- That's why.
That's what America
has to see, the both sides.
The black man and the
Jewish guy working together.
- That's right.
- Why?
(audience laughs)
But I love you, Floyd.
- I love you, too.
- Look into the camera.
Tell those people
we love each other.
- We love each other.
- Tell them Rowan and
Martin's got the best show on TV.
Hurry up!
(audience laughs)
Tell those people.
Tell those people.
(audience applauds)
Come on, I'll carry the box.
- Let's hear it for Floyd.
That's his first time on TV.
- [Gary] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Saw that red light.
I thought we were in traffic.
- Don, now you've got
a couple of complaints,
but you're working out swell.
You like the dressing
room, don't you?
- Dan, I must say and fan this
to Harry Clydebox over here.
You've been great to me.
I see him socially
more than I do you
only because you're
busy on your raft
going to Honolulu and just
laying around in the ocean
watching sharks die.
But I see this man quite a bit.
He's going you're not
supposed to say that.
He's looking like well
why did he throw that in?
But, you see, you've
taken care of me.
The dressing room is great.
I've moved a few times.
I have a beautiful
dressing room.
I mean that.
A little Bible
and a little table,
I'm sitting there and
there is an old derelict lady
laying on the floor
going help me to walk.
(audience laughs)
It's a great little
room, it really is.
And the costume changes.
- You don't mind
making a few changes?
- No, I mean 12 different
costume changes
for one trick or treat
joke that goes whoom,
right in the big..
- And they say the
star system is dead.
Sir, how would you like to
buy some nude photographs
for only 300 dollars?
- Are you kidding?
What do I look like?
- In this one, not at all bad.
(audience laughs)
Look at the proof.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me a moment.
- Surely, how do I get...
- Wait a minute, fella.
How do I get to Denmark?
- Well, you keep going straight
and when you get there
you can go either way.
(audience laughs)
- Groucho Marx's kid?
- You've got to help me.
There's a maniac chasing me.
You've got to help me.
- Well, why don't
you call a policeman?
- Oh no, I don't
want to get involved.
(audience laughs)
- What a lousy actress.
She looked like a bad umbrella.
Guess you ran out of actors.
And me like a dumbbell,
I'm looking at the highway.
I'm waiting for a
little dwarf to come in
with skates on his you know what
going want to buy candy?
But this is a great show.
It really is.
It's rolling right along.
- And you're having a good time.
- Oh, sure.
Hey, what else would I be doing?
I'd be sitting home in
my two rooms on Figaro
listening to the
tea kettle go woo.
- French Foreign
Legion Countrymen,
Fellow Roman
legionnaires and butterflies,
I just want to say it's
a wonderful pleasure
to be here
on Laugh-In.
I just came in from (inaudible).
I was doing a show there
for the French garishment
that lasted the hold outs.
I wanted to pay my respects
to the late Dick and Dan.
You know, I'd love
to do more for you,
but unfortunately my
plane is parked in Burbank.
I'm taking off to do a show
in Brunswick, New Jersey.
Well, that's the way it goes.
I have to go visit
my sick girlfriend.
She's suffering
from diaper rash.
Until then, over there.
Over there.
(audience applauds)
(disco music)
- Yesterday, Brian, I
was attacked in the park.
- Well, did you scream for help?
- Oh, he didn't need any.
He was doing alright by himself.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Using those for
bait, ay Dennis?
- Yeah.
- What are you trying to catch?
- Martinis.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- You know, my girl and I
tried out one of those new
bathtubs for two last night,
and it was terrific.
- Gee, it must
hold a lot of water.
- Water?
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- America's a country
where eventually a black man
will live in a white house.
- Yeah, sooner or later,
it's gotta be condemned.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Hi, Dick.
Hi, Don.
You want to dance?
- Well, alright.
(audience laughs)
- Hey have you read Jackie
Onassis' new travel book?
Well you ought to
rush out and get it.
It's called How to See
Europe on 25,000 dollars a day.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I was waiting for
the light to come on.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- [Don] Now, Lily.
(audience laughs)
- One, two, three.
When kids today say they
believe in long engagements,
that means they're going
to wait until the baby comes.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- You know something, Moosie?
Yesterday my mother asked
me if I would like to have
a little baby brother
or a little baby sister.
- What'd you tell her?
- I told her if it was
all the same to her,
I'd rather have a pony.
(audience laughs)
- It's my voice.
Everybody laughs
at the sound of it.
Can you help me?
- By the powers within me I say,
give this man, give
this man a voice.
- Hello?
Hey, you made me very happy.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
(audience laughs)
- Charlie, why do
you fold your tongue
in your mouth like that?
- Because if I put
it in my pocket,
I'd get lint all over it.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal crashes)
- I'm sorry, Harrison,
but I told you
there's no man in the moon.
However, there is a
lady in the sea of fertility.
(audience laughs)
- Your attention, please.
Will the hippie-type
person who ordered the
peace and love branding iron,
please pay for it in cash,
as the Trust in
Brotherly Love Foundry
does not accept checks.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
- Do this, dummy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Give me all the
cash in the drawer.
- I swear I see you
twice a week, don't I?
- Put it in a bag.
- You got it right now.
I ain't fooling around
with you robbers.
Ooh, I'm catching
the nails here.
- Give it to me,
come on, come on.
- Wait, wait, Mr. Robber.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
You forgot the trading stamps.
See I give you 400 dollars,
one, two, three, four, five, six
- Can you speed it up a little?
- Seven, eight, nine.
There you are.
You need a book?
- No. (audience laughs)
- Honey, I've done it.
I've invented instant glue.
- Oh wonderful!
Hug me!
- I can't.
- One thing you've
got to say about Dick,
although he's got a brain,
he never lets it go to his head.
(audience laughs)
Why am I saying these things?
I'm so bad.
- Dr. Chang, I understand
you use these acupuncture
needles as anesthetics,
but how do you
prevent the patient
from feeling the
acupuncture needle?
- Well, we give them
a shot of Novocain.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
Give me a minute, folks.
I'm just breaking up because
what you're going
to hear next is bad.
Hi, it's your Hollywood
reporter on the set
of the new Carmen
Veranda picture
about women's lib
in South America
called Burning Their Brazils.
Now, if that gets
by the censors,
we've got a big
game ahead of us.
Here comes the star now.
Welcome Miss Veranda.
- Hello, how are you?
- Pretty good. How are you?
Wonderful, you come from Greece?
Now, later on I put chicken fat
on your stomach
and the snake dies.
Wearing that famous hat of fruit
must certainly make
you instantly recognizable.
- You don't know the most of it.
Wherever I'm going I'm
being followed all the time.
- Let me see your pants.
Who am I talking to?
- All the time I'm
being followed.
- Good. Later on we
go over to the house
and we do the merengue.
- Now, by your fans?
- I'm having a hard
time picking up my props
when I don't get the cues.
- Well, I'm going to
grab you by the head
and punch you.
Now, my time out, Green Bay.
Now, listen, by your fans?
- No, no. By these stupid flies.
- Then why do you
wear fruit on your head?
- Because the soup
runs down my cheeks.
Tickle, tickle.
(audience laughs)
- I didn't need that
little tickle tickle.
What's that you're using there?
Is that hair spray?
- No, Raid.
(audience laughs)
- If my wife wasn't here
tonight I could make moves.
Now, on second thought,
I'd probably turn you down.
Listen, how long have
you been in the business?
Are these toughies?
When you hear the
bell, go to geometry.
How long have you
been in this business?
- In this business?
Show business?
- No, in this business.
As a mechanic.
How long have you been
in the show business?
- I've been in the show
business 25 years.
Since I was a little kid.
- Yes.
- And if I don't get out soon,
I'm gonna gonna gonna
gonna gonna go bananas.
- Oh, you play the bongos.
How's the movie going so far?
- It's fabulous, great,
absolutely wonderful,
spectacular,
wonderful, so fantastic,
I don't think it's
going to be more
better than anything
in the whole world,
it's so fantastic, it's
sensational, it's fantastic,
it's wonderful, it's
sensational best.
Or else I'm going to eat my hat.
- Okay, that's up to you.
Folks, you just heard her.
From the State
Veterans Hospital,
one of the real banana broads.
Wonderful, sweetheart.
I don't want to be in
this with her anymore.
(audience laughs and
applauds) (bright music)
(whip snaps)
(big band music)
- What's the news
across the nation?
(audience applauds)
We have got the information.
In a way we hope will amuse you.
We just love to
give you our views,
shoobie doobie doo.
Ring a ding swinger.
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Looking at the news.
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now
here's the Laugh-In News
with animals going
onto the ark in pairs,
the Paris peace
talk splitting hairs,
airlines upping their fares,
and David Cassidy's
sleeps in the nude.
Who cares?
And now with the news,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Here are the news headlines.
- Jack Anderson makes
error then exposes himself.
(audience laughs)
- Bobby Fisher agrees
to do his own TV series
provided no cameras are used.
- Milton Burrow steals Henny
Youngman's wife, please.
- And now here's Dick
with his news of the present
because his future
looks pretty bleak.
- Dateline Los Angeles.
Yes, that's an
Indian pronunciation
you wouldn't know about.
Dateline Los Angeles
last Friday 25 women
were arrested for marching
down Hollywood Boulevard
in the nude.
Three days later
they were brought
to the police
station and booked.
When asked why it took
them so long to arrest them,
the exhausted chief of
the vice squad replied
well first we had to
dust them for fingerprints.
(audience laughs)
I was glad I was
on that one, too.
I was covering that story.
Lansing, Michigan
Mr. E. Gregory Hookstratten
who recently underwent
a sex change operation
continues to live at home
with this wife and two children.
During the first week
back a friend asked his wife
who was that lady I
saw you with last night?
And she said that was no lady,
that was my husband.
(audience laughs)
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Louisville Kentucky
20 years from now
Colonel Harland Sanders came
to a most unusual end today.
According to early reports,
he was on his way home
when he was suddenly
attacked by 400 revenge crazed
chickens who were
heard crying out
Get him, get him,
he's finger licking good.
(audience laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now
South Bend, Indiana.
The Notre Dame football team
announced its regrets today
at having to turn down
what would have been
their first Negro quarterback.
Spokesman for the team
Alex Raboskyinzankowitz
said it was nothing personal.
It just wouldn't be the
fighting Irish anymore.
And now to our foreign
news bureau all over the world.
- We're about to talk
with Jacques Vachon,
a man who'ss been living in
this jungle for over a year now.
Here he comes now.
Jacques, Jacques, tell me,
did living alone in this jungle
cause any ill effect?
- Not at all, not at all.
- Why are you
carrying this rock?
- This ain't no rock.
It's my wife.
(audience laughs)
- And here's a report from
the China Russian border.
- By the way, what are you
having for dinner tonight?
- Something different.
Rice on a shingle.
- You people eat
much, much rice.
- You said it.
I didn't.
You said it.
We not know if we
fight for Chairman Mao
or Uncle Ben.
(audience laughs)
- Red joke, I think
we should defect.
- Ah, with you.
- You say nothing,
I'll say nothing.
- Now to our lady in
paradise for the heavenly news
here's Angel Good.
- Heaven, I'm in Heaven.
Scooby doobie.
Hi, Angel Good here
with the good news for you.
I'll tell you, Michelangelo
was at a party last night
and when somebody
said that his artwork on the
Sistine Chapel was awful,
Michelangelo hit the ceiling.
(audience laughs)
Aw, that was rich.
Can't get much higher than this.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Marie Antoinette,
I'm telling you,
she gets on my nerves.
She was supposed to
appear as a speaker last week
at one of our luncheons.
She forgot all about it.
I'll tell ya, that woman
would forget her head
if it wasn't attached to her...
Oops, that was
insensitive of me.
(audience laughs)
Oh, one last item.
Lizzie Borden has
opened up a delicatessen
and you know what
her specialty is?
Chopped liver.
That Lizzie always
was a funny devil.
- [God] A funny what?
Aw, cool it.
Anyway, back to
you Dan and Dick.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven.
Scooby doobie dobbie dobbie waah
- Having presented
the news from Heaven,
we now give equal
time to the lower regions.
So let's all go to Hades.
(bell rings)
- Hell's Bells.
Here's the news.
Now, here's a hot item.
The Emperor Nero has
been cast into the burning pit.
Guess you might say
the fat's on the fire now.
You might say that.
Now here's a fashion hook.
I just saw Mata Hari.
Boy, she looked awful.
She was wearing a
long bulky high neck outfit
to conceal all her charm.
I asked her why and she said
Flip Wilson made
me buy this dress.
(audience laughs)
I'll be dammed.
- [God] You already are.
- You didn't like Flip Wilson?
I thought it was good.
(audience applauds)
Hold it down.
- Here's a recent
statement from a member
of the League Against Obsenity.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] He seems
to find this amusing.
Let's hope we do.
- Rolling right along.
Shirley Temple, Pat Boone
and the Girl Scouts of America
recently sponsored a
symposium on the subject
of pornography.
Speaking to an audience
which included Lawrence Welk,
Roy Rogers, and several
members of congress,
Miss Temple said that
the filth factories were
undermining a moral
fiber to a fantastic degree.
Mr. Boone in his address
demanded a return to
simple movies about folks
just having a good time.
In closing, they asked
the moral support
from Chief Justice Berger
and the Supreme Court.
- Now here's what could
happen to the same speech
in the hands of an
unfriendly editor.
I understand a very unusual
X rated movie has just
been released, sir.
Whom does this
pornographic movie star?
- Shirley Temple, Pat Boone
and the Girl Scouts of America.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Well who else
is in this dirty movie?
- Laurence Welk, Roy Rogers
and several members of congress.
- What are Pat Boone, Shirley
Temple and the Girl Scouts
of America doing
in a movie like this?
- Just having a good ole time.
- I've heard rumors
that the same producer
is going to do another
pornographic movie.
Who will be in that one?
- Chief Justice Berger
and the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
Tha, tha, that's it, folks.
- Now here's Heavy
Helen, our street freak
with the far out news.
- Oh wow, out of sight,
you know, like heavy.
This is Heavy Helen with
the far freak out news, man.
And so, like, get it together.
Ready, man?
In a recent survey
on whether or not
marijuana should
be like legalized,
one man like declared
that he had like no opinion,
but like they had to ask him
the question like 37 times.
Fantastic, man.
I mean, can you dig it?
Back to you, Dick and Man, Dan.
- Shoobie doobie doo.
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news.
Looking at the news.
(ladies scream)
(audience applauds)
- Frank Sinatra.
Big singer.
Got all his albums.
Thank God he retired.
(audience laughs)
(music)
- Oh, half a ringy dingy.
I just love those.
Two ringy dingies,
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is this Mr. Gene Hackman?
Good.
I'm sorry to bother
you, Mr. Hackman,
while you're
vacationing in Paris,
but... Mr. Hackman,
you'll have to speak up.
You'll have to speak up.
I can't hear you.
This French
connection is terrible.
(audience laughs)
Hello?
Hello?
- 20 years ago I played with
Ingrid Bergman in Notorious.
And 15 years ago I
played with Marilyn Monroe
in Monkey Business.
And 10 years ago I played
with Miss Sophia Loren
in Houseboat.
Now one of these days
I've got to stop playing
and get a job.
(audience laughs)
- Don, you've been in
show business all your life
and you know all about it.
- I certainly do.
- Well, you've been around
Laugh-In for a couple of days.
You've looked around.
What can we do to
improve the show?
- Get off the air.
(audience laughs)
Let me put it to
you another way.
The show is weak.
You're great, Dick.
The other guy is
holding you back.
The one over here who
goes out to forest and goes
is everybody up?
Guy's a dead guy.
You're a riot, you
know what I mean?
You got the funny
nose, the face, the eyes
now if you could talk.
By the way, Dan, I
spoke to the hospital.
You've been running
through the hall again
doing a parakeet number.
Once he's in a home,
it'll be me and you.
With a big show.
He can go back to Hawaii,
and sit on his raft
and play with the oar.
(audience laughs)
(disco music)
- Brian, I just got one of
those terrific microwave ovens.
- Great. How do you like it?
- Oh, it's terrific.
Now I can burn my
dinner in half the time.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
(carnival music)
(whip cracks) (audience laughs)
- The last time I
had this much fun,
I was sitting in
a dentist's chair
while he hit me with a mallet
saying is this the
one that hurts?
(audience laughs)
That's my daughter.
I had her kidnapped and
she found her way back.
(audience laughs)
- Stay tuned for the rest of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
If you saw the
beginning, believe me,
you'll need the rest.
(audience laughs)
(chickens cluck) (rooster crows)
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch that...
Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- You're saying I just got
to make on a malicious
on a miscellaneous ma...
- Let's get going.
Let's get going.
I've got a
Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- But I just got a make
on a miscellaneous
malicious mischief lingerer.
- Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- Wait a minute, I just
got a make on a malicious
on a miscellaneous malicious...
- Let's get going.
I've got a 484 purse
snatch suspect.
- I've got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious ma...
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- And I've got a make on
a miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- Well first the make
on the malicious...
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Wait a minute.
I just got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief
- Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- I just got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- Well what first?
The make on the malicious
mischief malingerer?
- No, let's do the 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Forget 'em both
and let's take the
perfectly perpetrated
pocket pick in the park.
Let's get going.
We've got a 484
purse snatch suspect.
- But I got a make on a
miscellaneous malicious
mischief malingerer.
- What first?
The make on the miscellaneous
malicious mischief malingerer?
- No, let's take the 484
purse snatch suspect.
- Oh, forget them both.
Let's take the perfectly
perpetrated pocket pick
in the park.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Hi.
- How are you today?
- Just fine, thanks.
Listen, I heard the
store was robbed
of a lot of stuff last night.
- Oooh, I tell ya, it was.
And the boss says we've
got to make it up somehow.
- I just want this pack of gum.
- Okay, let's see.
One pack of gum.
That'll be 12 dollars.
(audience laughs)
- It's my appendix.
Can you help me?
- Yes, I can, my son but
you have to have three things.
- Oh, what are they?
- Faith, a miracle, 10
dollars in front money.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's question
and answer time again,
and in the previous weeks,
we've just had an overwhelming
response to this part
of the show that I think
we could probably this week
start in the front row.
Anyone over there
that has any questions?
Well, if not in the front row,
we can go right
on to the second.
Just put your hands...
(horse hooves clopping)
- Whoa.
Hey ho, Silver.
Ho.
- Hi, Dick.
- How'd you know it was me?
How did you
penetrate this disguise?
- Well, I just
took a wild guess.
- Well, guess why
I'm acting like this?
- With your brains, you
haven't got much choice.
- Well la dee da.
I'm tall in the saddle,
you notice that?
- You certainly are, yes.
Your boosters break?
- No, this happens
to be a disguise.
- That's a disguise.
- Yes, I went somewhere
where I didn't belong.
- Well, that lets
out the funny farm.
Where did you go
that you didn't belong?
- Well, not too loud, but
I went to a pornographic
movie and I didn't want
anyone to recognize me.
- What? Why would you
go to a place like that?
- I had my reasons.
- Well, that's disgusting,
lewd, immoral,
obscene and filthy.
- Hey, that's pretty good.
You had one more
reason than I had.
(audience laughs)
- You must have felt
pretty silly sitting in a theater
dressed like that.
- You think I looked silly,
you should've seen
what the guy next to me
was wearing under his blond wig.
- What was he wearing?
- Nothing.
- Well, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself
going to a pornographic movie.
- What? There's nothing
wrong with a normal man
going to a pornographic movie.
- Normal, alright.
But why were you there?
- Actually I was
doing some research,
and did you know that
90 percent of the people
there are asthmatics?
- What do you mean asthmatics?
- Because all I could
hear was ha ha ha ha.
- What was the
name of this movie?
- The name of the
movie was called
Harry Slept with His Robe Open.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I hope you don't
spend your money on one
of those places again.
You know the people
that make movies like that
have no scruples?
- No, but a couple
of them had a rash.
High ho, Silver, away.
(audience applauds)
- Any questions at all?
- I'd like to tell a joke here,
but why interrupt
the flow of the show?
- I just went to
my first wrestling...
I went, I saw this
match that was so...
There was something, there
were eyes, where the lip gets,
there's this gashing,
you know they take,
their arms they were
twisted, their joints,
there was punch, huge
sweaty bodies, they were just
rolling and tossing and big,
they would put their heels
right in their mouth, they
didn't care. Hair there were
fists full, it was flying,
it was merciful, it was..
When the wrestlers came
into the arena in the audience
they finally pulled
those ladies apart.
(audience laughs)
- Israeli Leader Golda
Meir began two days of
high level talks with
President Nixon today.
At the conference
table she turned to him
and confided
ookie pookie pookie.
- Hey Moosie, I
have a girlfriend.
- What could you
do with a girlfriend?
- Well, we play
husband and wife.
- What fun is that?
- Great! You get to fight a lot.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, dummy, this is
your mother Etta Rickles,
known to her intimates
as Mrs. Warmth.
What's the matter, dummy?
You don't answer me.
Would somebody throw him a fish?
- Look, I...
- Look, I... now that's a
very snappy comeback.
Look, I.
Did you write that one yourself?
- But I...
- But I... I didn't think
you could top Look I,
but you did it right
then and there.
But, that's really swell.
Say, I hear CBS is going
to give you another crack
at a TV show, talk
about your dummies.
- Come on, Mom.
- Come on, Mom.
There you go again.
How do you keep
coming up with them?
And they said you wouldn't
make it as a comedian.
They were right.
Why don't you try combing
your tongue the other way?
- But Mom...
- But Mom, that's good,
but it's no come on, Mom.
Well, listen, I
gotta hang up now.
I'm sick of listening to ya.
(audience laughs)
- She's a nice old broad
if I could only get her
to come out of her shell.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- When I was little,
a pastor of mine
said six words to me
that changed my life.
- Well, what did he say?
- He said look out
for that truck, stupid.
(audience laughs)
- This salad looks good.
- Wait a minute, what's
the matter with you?
Don't you have
any manners at all?
You're supposed to eat
salad with a salad fork.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- And get your
elbows off the table.
That's not polite.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's a good thing
you're here tonight.
You might be able to
learn something from
Laugh-In's Polite
Look at Manners.
- How about that?
- What?
- Don't you know
it's not polite to point?
- Well you learned
something already.
Who told you that?
- Well, the fat
broad over there.
(audience laughs)
Every time she
takes the girdle off,
balloons go up.
- May I?
- Beg your pardon?
- Please.
- And thank you.
- Very truly.
- How'd ya do?
- Everybody practice
good manners.
It's the only thing to do.
- You dummy.
- If you always
practice politeness
lucky things will come to you.
- You ding dongs.
- If you see a lady of 80
waiting for a subway seat,
tell the lady
nicely you're lucky
you are standing on your feet.
- Old lady.
- Waiting for a
movie start shoving.
- Shoving with
a great big smile.
- Pookie, pookie, pookie.
- Driving on the
freeway, start cussing.
- Cussing with a lot of style.
- You deralict hockey pucks.
- If you see a hubcap
- You like it, take
it as a souvenir.
- 'Cause when
you pull a rip off,
good manners.
- Dear I love your outfit.
- How's the family?
- Hoity toity.
- Parlez vous?
- Never could the
doggy why bother?
We are too polite for that.
When we got to
lift her, we lift her,
but we always lift the hat.
- If a person bugs
us, - We smile.
- And kick the
person in the rear.
- Even when we're
fighting, good manners.
Even when we're
cussing, good manners.
Even when we're
shoving, good manners.
- Dear I love you truly.
Yours sincerely.
Pardon me and toodaloo.
- Hope you all go in the park
and a sap drips on a squirrel
when he sucks up the trees.
(audience laughs)
- I don't mind my dates
dropping me off early,
but the least they could
do is stop the car first.
(audience laughs)
- Tut, tut, tut.
It is not nice to
reach for the potatoes.
You'll ask me to
pass them to you.
- Okay. Would you be so kind...
- Uh huh
- As to pass me the potatoes.
- That's better.
(audience laughs)
Want some garnish?
- No thanks. Here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Have a little garnish.
- And one for the baby.
- Thank you very much.
Here.
How's that?
- That's much better.
- You're welcome.
- Can I get a wrist corsage?
- Here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- My very proper aunt
refuses to eat fried chicken
with her fingers.
That's why she's known
as Old Greasy Toes.
(audience laughs)
- The proper way to
call your waiter is to raise
two fingers and
nod your head gently
and not like this (whistles)
(audience laughs)
- If at a formal luncheon
you are chewing tobacco,
you must never
expectorate on the floor.
- Unless the
hostess spits first.
- In my library, I have
a book of etiquette.
Every child should
be given this book.
And to most of them it
should be given right across
the surface of their posterior.
In other words, give
them a shot in the behind.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
- Young man, would you
mind letting me sit down?
- Get lost, you old bag.
- Don't you have any manners?
- Excuse me.
Please get lost, you old bag.
(audience laughs)
- Having manners
means not being rude.
For instance the other day
some women's liberation
ladies demonstrated
at the Ringling Brothers
and Barnum and Bailey circus.
- Yes, they all gathered around
the half man half
woman side show
yelling Hooray for our side.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not doing anything
tonight if you're interested.
- Marie, how many
times must I tell you?
You pick up from the right.
- I'm not doing anything
tonight if you're interested.
(audience laughs)
- My place.
- Oh come on, baby, come on.
- Charlie, I can't.
You know I love you, but
my mother always told me
never to kiss on the first date.
(audience laughs)
- Where's the
maid of honor then?
- She's there.
- Fur coat?
It's lovely.
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
- There.
- Oh, thank you.
- Now just a moment, my dear.
Let me put your coat on.
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Quite brisk tonight, isn't it?
Good night.
- Even when we're
fighting, good manners.
Even when we're
cussing, good manners.
Even when we're
shoving, good manners.
- Hope you jump on your
bikes and there's no seat.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I hope you sit
around in the park
and rain drops right
on the back of you
and you become a waffle.
Give me a break.
I'm the only guy.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to this demonstration
of the science of hypnotism.
And may I introduce my
assistant Shacoontala.
I am going to put her
in a deep trance by
repeating go to sleep.
(audience laughs)
Oh good.
Shacoontala is now in a deep
trance which no human power
can awaken her.
(audience laughs)
Go to sleep.
You are now in a deep sleep.
Deep sleep.
Oh good.
But although you
are in a deep sleep,
you can still hear
every word I say.
(audience laughs)
You are now inflexibly rigid.
Wala!
Yes, well now what
I am going to do is
suspend my assistant's body
between these two chairs.
Yes, and what I'm going
to do is put her over here
like so and then put
her on the two chairs.
Are you ready, huh?
We are ready, yes.
Okay, here we go.
She is getting a little heavy.
And I put her there.
And put her feet there.
She is completely rigid.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know if he
looks better in a wig.
Why don't you ask him?
- Well he said Sargent,
I didn't have a pencil.
(cymbal crashes)
- My name is
Bligh, Captain Bligh,
and I'd like to report a mutiny.
- You mean the
mutiny on the bounty?
- The mutiny on the
bounty was 200 years ago.
- I know, but I didn't
get mad about it
until this morning.
Everybody on deck.
- Excuse me.
Hey fellas, have you seen
a black and white pussy cat
with a long tail?
- No.
- Well, this is
what they look like.
- Aww.
- Would you like to help a
poor unfortunate alcoholic?
- Yes, I would.
- Well, here, give him this.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Do you have - not you -
but do you have two fives
for a 10?
- Why sure, here's
your two fives.
- Thank you. Here's your 10.
(cymbal crashes)
(audience laughs)
- See ya at the navy
yard in about an hour.
Well, while we're
going underground,
I might as well live it up.
- Moosie, have
you heard this one?
Why did the lone
ranger ride his horse
to town every Tuesday?
- I don't know. Why?
- Because the horse
was too heavy to carry.
(audience laughs)
- I heard that one.
- 6806, library 11.
- 6804, library two.
(audience laughs)
Hi folks, I'm a convict.
Read the number and win a prize.
When my wife dies,
you're gonna be my girl.
So you know how lonely I am.
A lot of people think I'm bald,
but that's not true.
I just happen to
have shiny pink hair.
The assistant director is
going this is funny stuff.
Why aren't I in this?
So far this show hasn't
done anything for my career
hepatitis couldn't do.
Can you tell me how do
you get to Beverly Hills?
- Yeah, try marrying a doctor.
- I haven't seen this
much exciting talent under
one roof since the
Battle of the Bands
between Lawrence Welk
and the Picture Suck a Bubble
and Guy Lombardo who
said as he stood on the float
in Jones Beach said
we're going under.
(audience laughs)
The card kid went
that's not there.
- Hey Don, I've
got a great idea.
Why don't we put
our acts together?
We'll do one act?
- Well, if we put your
night club act together
with my night club act,
we'd have one
good night club act.
Mine.
That's it for us, folks.
You have anything?
- How are you?
- Good.
- One bottle of
pop, that's 25 cents.
I'll put that in a sack for you.
- You broke it.
- Well, it don't matter.
That was a
non-returnable bottle.
We don't lose a cent.
(audience laughs)
- Let's have three wenches.
- Well, they have Esmerelda,
Roxanne and Marie.
- What about Lady Rochford?
- Okay, but you know
Rochford is 25 cents extra.
(audience laughs)
- I could rock this
chair right off the porch
if I wanted to,
but I do not think I will today.
You know what happened?
In the backyard I
found this wiggly lizard
and I took him to school
to play show and tell.
And I wanted him to be a secret.
So I had to hold
him very tightly
so my arm wouldn't jiggle.
And I told about him
and I told about him
and then a horrible
thing happened.
When I opened my
hand to show him,
I held him just a
little bit too hard.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Oh, sure, sure, I know
Universal just made a movie
about an invisible man,
but they did it with
special effects and props.
I went one better.
I've got a real invisible man.
What do you mean?
What do you mean
where will I find him?
I've already found him.
He's sitting here right
in front of me right now.
We're trying to work out a deal.
Now let me tell you something,
he's a real pain in the neck.
He's short tempered
and excitable.
I'll call you after
he goes, okay?
Yeah, same to you.
Now look, I just
can't see it your way.
It's 500 dollars,
take it or leave it.
(audience laughs)
It's the best I can do.
You haven't made
a picture in years.
I don't care what you do.
I can't go any higher.
You can't just
come in here and...
Hey look...
Alright, that does
it for you, pal.
Oh, there goes my pants.
You can't just come in here
and knock me around
as if you were a big star.
Get out and stay out.
I don't ever want
to see you again.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- I never realized it.
You look like Gloria Steinem.
- I outta.
I'm her mother.
(audience laughs)
- Tod, what are you going
to be when you grow up?
- I don't know, but my
daddy says if the war's still on,
I might be a Canadian.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Ah.
- Hello, Don.
It's a shame to wake
you up just for this.
- Well, you know,
long night's work.
It's the statue behind me
that's making me go bananas.
Well, I gave a pint
of blood last week.
- Oh, when was that?
- Right after I told
the guy in the alley
he couldn't have my money.
(audience laughs) (disco music)
- Hey, why are you
always kissing the girls?
- Because every
time I kiss the boys,
they go and slap my head.
- Hey Gladys, how'd
you like to join me
for my nightly constitutional?
- Oh, I'd love to,
Don, but why me?
- Well I just moved
into Beverly Hills
and they're very
strict there you know.
In fact they told me
if I go out at night,
I better go walking a dog.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, you better hide.
It must be my husband.
In the closet, hurry.
Come in.
- Honey.
- Darling.
- It's alright, you
can come out.
It's not my husband.
- Oh good.
- Oh if I could only
make my mind up.
- Do you heal broken
bones with just faith?
- I used to, but not anymore.
- Well why not?
- Screaming kept
giving me a headache.
Was it a crash with a car?
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
would like to thank our guest
star tonight Mr. Don Rickles.
(audience applauds)
- Yay.
Don, you were great.
- You really were. Just
marvelous. Super, Don.
- I tell ya, I got chills
just watching me.
- Anything we can do
for you before you go?
- Well, I know you're
not supposed to do this,
but do you think it
would be alright if I said
something to my little kid?
To Larry.
He's just two years old.
His mommy said he could
stay up and watch the show.
- Oh, I can't imagine
anyone objecting
to something like that.
- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Okay, you little dummy.
Get in bed.
Get in bed.
Go in the bathroom
and write on the wall
you little hockey puck.
I'm fed up with you.
(audience laughs)
- While Don's boy is
home doing his homework,
let's take a look at
next week's show.
- Yeah, look up there.
- Wow, look at that.
- [Gary] Carol
Burnett will be with us.
(audience applauds)
and so will Paul Gilbert,
Ross Martin,
Demond Wilson.
- Dick and Dan, wherever
you are, good night.
And don't forget
to buy war bonds.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, chick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Like good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Want a couple of hot numbers?
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Godfather.
(audience laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Well, good night, Dick.
- Night, Dick.
I never liked you, Dick.
- Night Dick.
- Don't you need a
little salt and pepper?
- I'd love some, thank you.
- [Gary] Also appearing in
tonight's show Duke Haslick.
(audience laughs)
- Somehow I fail to
see the humor in this.
- Well, if you
look at it this way,
it's very funny.
- I think you like this.
- Good night.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Fred Waring don't
know the glee club's alive.
The guy on the end was bad.
Good night, Dick.
We don't need that.
Just do it like all of us.
Why do you people have those
names like Leroy Buckingham?
(audience laughs)
Get names like
our people, Irv Katz.
- (Stuttering) Good night, Dick.
(carnival music)
(audience laughs)
- [Female Voice] Uh ha ha ha.