Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 13 - Episode #6.13 - full transcript
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Oh, oh, oh.
- We going to have to...
- They think it's Jean Bayliss.
- Yes, we need
some extra guards.
Well, we have a very
special Christmas treat.
- Indeed.
- What a guest,
huh, a fancy singer.
- A very fancy...
- And a clever actor.
- Ah ha!
- Good buddy,
Mr. Steve Lawrence.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you very much,
a pleasure to be here.
- Did you hear that voice?
What power, what tone,
what depth, what, uh...
- Timbre.
- Timbre.
- Look out!
- Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, fellows,
timbre, that just means that
my voice has a certain quality.
- We, we, we know that, you see.
But you better
be a little careful
what you say around this show.
You see, we have a
prop man, a little dingy.
Everything...
- Well, I got a little dingy.
- Everything he
hears, he takes literally.
- Yeah, Mad Dog Chisolm.
- Mad Dog Chisolm.
- Or as we call
him, Props Galore.
- Sound like a dangerous man.
He must be bombed.
- Look out!
Thank goodness it was a dud.
- Yes, watch what
you say, Steve.
- Son of a gun.
Lucky for me my
name's not Rock Hudson.
- Look out!
- I'll get you for
that, Mad Dog!
Hey, I'm getting
out of here, man.
I'm chicken, I mean it, fellas.
- You're chicken.
- Chicken!
(audience laughing)
(chickens squawking)
- Remember him, Pape News?
- Now look, Steve.
- Could have been a
star, bad management.
(audience applauding)
- Like we said.
- [Both] Watch what you say.
- This is the greatest
office Christmas party
I've ever been to.
- Yeah, you can say that again.
- What do you say tomorrow,
we come back and get a job here?
- Great idea!
- Sir.
- May I help you?
- Yes, this sweater
was a Christmas gift,
and I have to exchange it.
Do you have it in another color,
possibly purple?
This isn't my color.
- I guess it isn't.
I, I'll check, watch my hair.
- Hey Tod, last Saturday
I stood in a long line
for three hours to
see Santa Claus,
and I was the only kid
Santa Claus talked to.
- What did he say?
- Keep the line moving.
- Hey, Sarah.
- What, Steve?
- Who worked for Santa
Claus, lived at the North Pole,
and carried a
sleigh in his mouth?
- I don't know, who?
- Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Dummy.
- Oh, honey, I was so worried.
- Well, hello.
Uh, I'm sorry, on the way
home I lost all your presents.
- That's all right, all I
want from you is love,
tender love and romance.
- I already gave
at the office party.
And I'm going back for more.
- Hello.
- How do you do?
- How are you, sir?
I'm looking for a really nice
Christmas present for my wife.
- Well, certainly.
How about a wrap?
- Hey, great idea.
- You got it.
- Harry.
- Yes?
- Come here.
- What?
- Well, doesn't that mistletoe
remind you of something?
- What's it supposed
to remind me of?
- Kissing, kissing, kissing.
- Oh, of course, I forgot.
Maria!
Merry Christmas, dear.
- And now, from the
Little Town of Burbank
Defense Department
Contractors and Toy Factory,
NBC, the Night Before
Christmas network
joyfully presents
the jolly Dan Rowan,
and the red-nosed Dick Martin,
with guest star Steve Lawrence,
and cameo guests Steve
Allen and these holiday reveler,
Ruth Buzzi,
Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier,
Tod Bass,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this Christmas reminder,
take an elf to lunch.
They're a little
short this week.
(playful music)
- [Gary] And now, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Would you mind
explaining this to me?
- Sure.
You see, in the springtime
the bees carry the pollen
from the female
flowers to the males.
- I don't mean that.
I mean, what's she doing here?
- Well, she's doing
nothing here compared to
what she was doing an
hour ago at the office party.
- Who is she, anyway?
- She's my new secretary.
- What do you, I didn't
know you had a secretary.
- Are you kidding?
I have a secretary,
two file clerks,
and an elevator operator.
- Aren't you going to
introduce me to her?
- I'd like to, but I can't.
- Why, you forget her name?
- No, I forgot yours.
- Why don't you have her
wait in your dressing room?
- My dressing room?
I thought we were
in my dressing room.
- Well, that figures.
- Would you mind
waiting for me in my car?
It's the yellow
convertible parked
right on top of the Volkswagen.
- New secretary, huh?
- Yes, sir.
- You know, come to think of it,
I stopped by that
Christmas party,
I didn't see a sign of
you or your secretary.
- Well, we were there.
You know that blue
couch in the corner.
- Yeah.
- Well, we were in the
chandelier right above it.
- What were you
doing in the chandelier?
- Well you see, in the springtime,
the bees carry the pollen
from the female flowers...
- All right, all right,
will you forget that?
It's time to go to our
own Christmas party.
(audience applauding)
(dance music)
Hi, Sarah.
- Hi.
- Do you like to be kissed
under the mistletoe?
- No, I like it under my nose.
- Oh.
- You know, for the
first time in my life,
I got a Christmas present
that was just the right size.
She was a 38-D.
- You know, the President
and the Vice President
divide the work
during Christmas.
- [Dan] No kidding.
- Yeah.
Mr. Nixon wraps presents,
and Spiro wraps Congress.
- You know Ruthy, I
think there's too much
wire tapping going on nowadays.
- Oh, you're right.
I was just talking about that
to an FBI agent on the phone.
- Well, why would you call an
FBI agent on Christmas night?
- Oh, I wasn't calling him,
I was calling my
aunt in Cleveland.
- The holidays are always
more difficult in Vietnam.
I mean, how do you decorate
a defoliated Christmas tree?
- I didn't realize how artificial
Christmas had become,
until I was standing
next to my aluminum
Christmas tree under
my plastic mistletoe,
and my boyfriend came
over and kissed my brother.
- Boy, I'll never
forget last Christmas.
- [Dan] Why not?
- We all went over
to Howard's house,
yeah, and got roaring
drunk, really tore the place up.
Yeah, we were
having a terrific time.
Then Howard spoiled
it all by coming home.
- The way things have been
going in the church this year,
I almost expected
a card that said,
Merry Christmas from Cardinal
and Mrs. J. Michael Mulligan.
- Hey, Lily, did you
know that the Navy
is now allowing
women to go to sea
as regular members of the crew?
- Yes, and it must
be going great,
because they just
changed the name of
the USS Ticonderoga
to guess what?
- What?
- The Good Ship Whoopy.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'd like a little
Christmas cheer.
- [Both] Oh, sure.
Hip, hip, hooray, Christmas.
I was in a southern bar
And I noticed integration
is making progress
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- You mean like the races
were drinking together?
- No, but on the jukebox
they had Old Black Magic
mixed with White Christmas.
- Even organized crime gets
sentimental on Christmas.
Anybody they dump in
the East River on that day
has to be gift wrapped.
- Speaking of Vietnam,
General Tu has been getting gifts
for years from an old man
with a long white beard.
- Santa Claus.
- No, Uncle Sam.
(audience applauding)
- And now, here are
some more of Gary Owen's
Christmas safety hints.
Number one, never
run down the street
with reindeer
antlers in your mouth.
- One ringy-dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this Jacques Cousteau,
the old man in the sea?
Good.
Mr. Cousteau, I'm Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company,
the world's biggest
octopus (snorts).
Now you listen here.
I have your request for
an underwater telephone.
All I can say is, don't
hold your breath, Jacques.
We can't have Ma Bell's
equipment covered with barnacles.
(snorts)
(audience applauding)
Got my bodice all damp.
- Another yuletide hint.
Never put an electric eel
in a wet Christmas stocking.
- Hey, Zeke.
- Yup?
- How come that
12-year-old girl up there
on the hill ain't married yet?
- Well, wouldn't
look right, Barlow.
She ain't been a widow
more than a week.
- Another yuletide hint for you.
Never shoplift a grand piano
the day after a
hernia operation.
- 12 o'clock and all's well.
(playful music)
12:01 and things are only so-so.
- Another Christmas safety hint.
Never jokingly send an exploding
fruitcake to the Godfather.
- Hey, Tod, what'd you
have for Christmas dinner?
- Turkey.
- Was it good?
- Well, I didn't
like the turkey,
but I liked the
bread the turkey ate.
- Patti.
- Hmm.
- Thought you'd never ask.
Say, Patti.
- Hmm.
- No, you're supposed to
say "Patti" when I say Patti.
Say, Patti.
- Yes.
- Patti, did you know that the
Carol Burnett Christmas show
had the same rating
as Anna and the King?
- Whoa, what does that mean?
- Yul tied Carol.
- Chinese restaurant scene,
take two, and you get egg roll.
- Ma, you can throw
this old thing away,
I've just invented
a hearing aid,
built into a pair of glasses.
- Oh, that's wonderful, son.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- Now see, no one
will ever know now
you're wearing a hearing aid.
- Uh, the gentleman
is here who's come
to be interviewed
for the new role
in your great big extravaganza.
Right here.
- Well, I'm here and
your troubles are over.
- You're here and my
troubles are just beginning.
You must be here for the role.
- No, I just had a roll, I fell
more like a prune danish.
- Funny, you look more
like a strawberry tart.
What I need is an actor.
- Well, I once did a love scene
on a stage in Davenport, Iowa.
Or was it a love scene on
a davenport in Stage, Iowa.
- More likely you
got thrown over
by a stage in Davenport, Iowa.
How long have you been an actor.
- What time is it now?
- 10 to.
- 10 to what?
- 10 to five you
don't get the job.
- I've had enough of
these shenanigans.
- Well, how many shenanigans
do you usually have?
- Eight.
- Well, we've only
got three, too bad.
Can you read a part cold?
- Certainly I can.
Just open the window
and I'll take my clothes off.
- I don't like your looks.
Get out of here.
- That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.
My solicitor will contact
you in the morning.
- My contact will solicit
you in the morning.
- Be that as it may.
- Oh, yeah?
- You probably
don't remember me.
- Why, I never forget a face.
But in your case I'm
willing to make an exception.
- I didn't come up
here to be insulted.
- Well, where do you usually go?
- I came here for the part.
- Oh, perfect, you got it.
- I know I got it, now
how do I get rid of it?
- I think I got it, too.
Call me a doctor.
- All right, you're a doctor.
What I really need,
though, is an actor.
- Well, I once did a love
scene in Davenport, Iowa.
- That's amazing, so did I.
- [Both] Darling, sweetheart.
- Okay, one box of mashed
potatoes at 64 cents.
One can floor
wax, that's a $1.69.
- Hey, I don't know if
this floor wax is any good.
It's got sodium nitrate M12
and ammodiatum hydroxide 13.
What's that stuff?
- Well, I don't know,
but it better be good,
'cause the same thing's
here in your mashed potatoes.
- All right, Eliza, now
first you take the tea
in your right hand, and
you stir it with your left.
- All right, Professor 'iggins.
There.
- By George, I
think she's got it.
- Say, ladies and
gentlemen, we're very honored
to have with us this evening a
man who just happens to be...
- [Man] It doesn't just
happen, it's hard work!
- He doesn't just
happen to be, but he is
an expert on almost every
subject you can name.
Whether your questions
are about politics,
science, philosophy,
whatever they are,
this man can answer them.
Here he is.
- Here he is!
- Mister Know-it-all.
(greeting each other)
- May I say that it's a
pleasure having you here?
- And may I saw that it's
a pleasure to be had, here.
- Let's stick
around for a minute.
Well, Mr. Know-it-all,
we have some
very interesting
questions for you tonight.
Would you mind if
we put them to you?
- Well, it'll get pretty darn
quiet out here if you don't.
- Might even if we do.
- The first question,
which comes from someone
in the audience
about the best way,
what's the best
way to hear about
an orthodontist, a good one.
- Word of mouth.
- Makes sense.
- Moving right along to the
next question, Mr. Know-it-all,
is plastic surgery...
- Although I'm
Mr. Know-it-all, I didn't know
the reaction that
joke would get.
- You can't expect
to be right all the time.
- That's right.
- Is plastic surgery
really effective?
- Oh, who are you to ask that?
My goodness, I think
it's very effective.
I just went to a
terrific plastic surgeon.
He gave me a new
nose and a new chin.
- Was he very expensive?
- He charged me
an arm and a leg.
(playful music)
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- [Both] He he he he he!
We're making toys
for girls and boys
We hope they will enjoy 'em
Some useful gifts
they really need
Let's hope they
won't destroy 'em
For Broadway lots of healthy biz
Some better films
for Dick and Liz
And we'll make
sure it really is a
Merry Christmas
Another gift like Cabaret
We're sending Miss Minnelli
To spread on Jake
Paul Deddy's bread
A jar of real mint jelly
And Marge'll get some applesauce
Gardenias for Diana Ross
So this year
ain't a total loss a
Merry Christmas
Jingle bells for Orson Welles
It's deck the halls
with Lucy Balls
A joyous Noel Coward
and Yul Brynner
It's hark, the Harold
Robbin's story
Zsa Zsa gets her dreams of glory
Mama Cass gets
cottage cheese for dinner
There's tennis shoes
for Howard Hughes
He never seems to buy 'em
Some acting
lessons for Mark Spitz
Let's hope the
heck he'll try 'em
And Raquel gets
her treasure chest
Some naughty jokes
for Miss Mae West
With love and joy
to all these rest a
Merry Christmas
And Nixon sticks the wealthy for
Another trip to China
A date for Henry Kissinger
A kiss for Burt and Dinah
And Tom Jones gets
some clothes that fit
Eydie Gorme gets a great big hit
And then on top of all of it a
Merry Christmas
A very Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year
- Ho, ho, ho!
(audience applauding)
- Excuse me, sir.
- Oh, yes, what is it?
- I'd like to change this
for something in a 9-A.
- Oh, a 9-A.
You looking for shoes or a bra?
- I know a man who has
such a severe headache
that he went to an
acupuncture doctor
who put 72 pins in his head.
Now only did it
cure him, but he also
got a part-time
job as a sprinkler.
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't
have to say nothing
if I don't want to.
My old dog Buster,
he don't smell good.
And I have to give him a bath.
But he don't like baths,
so, 'cause he don't like
to be really clean, so when
I washed him yesterday,
I used one cup of bubble bath,
and two cups of dirt.
And that's the truth
(blows raspberry).
- Lola, it's important
also for a woman
to know how to choose
and select the proper wine.
First you pour a little
wine into the glass.
Right.
And now you drink the wine.
By George, I think she's got it.
(audience laughing)
- Betsy Ross, what on
earth is that you're sewing?
- Oh, well I'm not too sure.
I guess we'll
just have to run it
up the flagpole and
see who salutes it.
- The Indians got me,
the Indians got me!
It's an ambush!
- Where, where?
- Here, here, here.
- You got a neat one over here.
- Thank you.
- Hey Moosie, this
Christmas I had
kind of a problem
with my presents.
- No kidding, what's that?
- I got a bike,
an astronaut suit,
a catcher's mitt, a
set of Fast Wheels,
a construction set, some candy,
and six pair of socks.
- Well, what's your problem?
- What am I going to
do with all those socks?
- Gee, that Eydie
is so talented.
Did you know that
when she sleeps,
she snores in three octaves.
- I know.
- I do, I want a divorce.
My husband treats
me just like a child.
- Oh, those sound like
sufficient grounds to me.
- Yes, and I want
custody of all my dollies.
- Hey Sarah.
Who fa... (laughing)
- What?
- Who falls down a
chimney once a year
with a bag full of broken gifts?
- I don't know, who?
- Santa Klutz.
- You know what, Zeke.
- What's that, Barlow?
- There a 32 mile
walk into town just to,
just to pick up
grandma's pension check.
- Yeah, I know, but
it's gotta be done.
Grandma's over 90, and
feeble, can hardly move.
- Yeah, I know that,
I know that, Zeke.
And every month it takes
her longer and longer
to get there and back.
- I'm Detective Frank
Bannix, and I'll have
this case solved in 30 seconds.
- But there's
nothing wrong here.
- How do you like that?
I did it in five.
- I can't make a right turn.
Can you help me?
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- Fellow I knew in college
was a real double threat.
He was captain of the football
team and homecoming queen.
- On this day in history,
Melvin R. Shmoots
of Grelg, North Carolina,
invited the meebliflans
that made the
gelterwheel possible.
All around the neighborhood
Everybody feeling
good Help is on it's way
Oh, happy day
- Hey man, you
know I can hardly wait
to see if Santa Claus
brought me what I asked for.
- Well, did you take
my advice and ask for
something practical,
I mean like something
you could use every day.
- Yeah, I asked
him for Diana Ross.
- Well, why'd you
go asking for her?
- Well, I didn't know what to do
with, you know, Kaye Ballard.
- Well, look, I tell you what,
don't know it's better
to give than to receive?
- Don't tell me,
tell Diana Ross.
- What did you get me?
- Look under the tree.
- I don't see anything.
- What you see is what you get.
Merry Christmas, baby.
- Merry Christmas, man.
Oh, happy day
- Hey, Eliza, tonight
we're going to the opera.
Now first you'll have
to remove your gloves.
Do you know how
to do it properly?
(striptease music)
By George, I think she's got it.
- How are you?
- Just fine.
- Let's see, that's a
loaf of bread, 35 cents.
- Oh, just, just a
minute, I have a coupon
that gives me five percent off.
- Well, I guess you're right.
Okay, you're the customer.
- Uh huh.
- Let's see now, one,
two, three, four, five.
Let's see, that's 30
cents for the bread,
52 cents for the labor,
that will be 82 cents.
- The next question is
extremely interesting,
Mr. Know-it-all.
- [Mr. Know-It-All]
We're due for one.
- A lady in our audience asks,
what can you tell us
about Cloris Leachman?
- I'm going to play
this one very straight.
- I hope so.
- Yes, I'll say this
about Cloris Leachman.
Cloris Leachman is
the basic ingredient
in most of your standard
wash-day detergents.
Cloris Leachman is so effective,
that it will make even
your colored clothes
come out sparkling white.
(playful music)
- Webster defines
station as a place where
a person is appointed to remain,
while a break is a
stroke of good luck.
So station break means
that, if you're lucky,
you're stuck with Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
We are Christmas
snowflake family
Far alone and tempest tossed
When we get it all together
Then we find our Jackie Frost
What's that news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way that's not too foolish
Very, very cool and
very, very yuleish
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da La da di
da Christmas snowflake
Here is the Laugh-In News
With old Jack Frost
- [Gary] And now,
here's the Laugh-In News
with women's lib
not doing the dishes,
Howard Cosell feeling malicious,
Golda Meir cooking some knishes,
and let's all go
caroling at Trish's.
Now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- But first these headlines.
- Olympic star Mark Spitz
to-nay announced wedding plans.
- [Dan] Today announced.
- Today announced
wedding plans for the sprig.
Spring.
The world-famed swim-ber...
- [Dan] Swimmer.
- Swimmer said
that he and his bride,
the former Charlotte
Tuna, have planned
a quiet honeymoon spawning
up the Columbia River.
- That was a beauty
once you go to it.
- Thank you.
Some of those
words were misplaced.
- [Dan] Yes.
- It's just been reported
that Santa Claus
is stuck in a chimney
at 1402 Plaza Drive
in Lompot, California.
- [Dan] Oh dear.
- Fun city.
The emergency squad
from Weight Watchers
is on the scene and promises
to have him down safety
by St. Swithen's Day.
And now, before
anyone takes umbrage,
here's Dan with the future news.
- What, someone take umbrage?
- Why, is one missing?
- News of the future,
20 years from now.
The new TV season
brought with it
the ultimate in so-called
relevant situation comedies
with a new series about
a lovable black bigot
who is married to a
white police woman,
and the problems
they face raising
their three young
Puerto Rican children
and a wonder dog in
a small two-door sedan
that is parked in
front of a synagogue.
The show is called
Leave It to Beaver.
News of the future,
200 years from today.
Mr. R. L. Cramer,
and inventor on Mars,
announced today the
discovery of a small unit
he calls "ray-de-o."
It does everything
the large holographic
three-dimensional television
does, said Mr. Cramer,
but you don't have to
look at the darn thing.
Now here's Sarah with
a hot Hollywood item.
- In a desperate attempt
to improve sagging ratings,
the producers of the TV
series based on The King and I
have decided to paint
Yul Brynner's head
completely white and
call it The Egg and I.
That's it.
- And now here's
Lily Tomlin to explain
the spirit of Christmas.
- Well, to me Christmas
is so m, all the wonderful
kind of jo, mistletoe, chest,
little baby Je, has those,
has that little neat,
the little light above,
and people on the bu,
and snow and things falling,
and all little elves dancing
and making little tapping
on little, uh, t, and uh San,
And a partridge in a pear tree
- And now a look
at the lighter side
of the Black news with
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- It's time for the Black
News Report with me,
Willie Tyler, a step
ahead of the news.
- And me, I'm Lester,
a step ahead of the law.
- Hey man, it's Christmas,
aren't you in good spirits?
- Yeah, man, and good
spirits is in me (hiccups).
(snoring)
- Why you so tired?
- Are you kidding, man?
I've been working all
night at the North Pole,
helping Santa Claus.
- Oh, you an elf, right?
- No, man, I ain't
no elf, I'm a brownie.
Don't you know nothing?
(audience applauding)
- Here with a
late breaking item,
the late breaking Patty Deutsch.
- Don Durgin, the
President of NBC Television
announced today that if you
happen to miss Christmas Eve,
the network will
rerun it on July 4th,
Easter Sunday, Labor Day,
but not on December 24th,
when it will be preempted
by the Rams-Packer game.
- Now here's a report
from the Sino-Soviet border.
- Ah, you know, Chairman
Mao recently print
a book on individual freedom
and rights of the people.
- Did you read it?
- Of course.
If I hadn't, I'd have been shot.
- You deserve to be.
You know, you have
to certainly admire
the unique program we
Russians have instituted
to produce Olympic
gold medals in basketball.
- Oh, you mean way
you train players?
- No, I don't mean the
way we train players.
The way we train referees.
Get in the box.
- Now to Jud Strunk
in the sports capital
of the world, Farmington, Maine.
- Hi there, Jud Strunk here from
the Farmington Frost Festival.
And boy have we got a
beauty for you this week.
The barrel bump.
You're gonna see
Belly-Flop Boxworthy,
barrel bumper from Bitterford,
do his stuff here on
the ice he's resting.
Now he's gonna
belly back, bounce up,
bump the barrels,
land on his feet
without beating the bejabbers
out of his bottom or himself.
You think he can do it?
Let's see if he can.
Come on, Belly-Flop.
There he goes,
he's bellying back,
bumping the barrels,
bouncing 'em up,
landing on his feet, and
backing off to Bangor,
where Belva Bourbon with a
bevvy of beauties from Belfast.
Back to you, Ban and Bick.
- Here's Angel Good with
all the news from Paradise.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
Scooby dooby, scooby
- Where are you?
Oh, hi, this is Angel Good with
the good news from Heaven.
Well, we voted today to make
comedian Henny Youngman
an honorary member of Heaven,
even though he has
not passed on yet.
And the reason
for this is because
Henny has died more times
than anyone else in history.
Oh, wait, and the
big romance between
Cleopatra and King
Tut has broken off.
It seems they got into a
very romantic embrace,
but every time he
whispered, "Cleo, Cleo,"
all she answered
was, "Tut, Tut."
- Here's a simple
personal statement
by Steve Lawrence about
his wife, Eydie Gorme.
- I'm a lucky guy.
My wife Eydie's a great cook.
One of her specialties
is frogs' legs,
lightly stewed in a
bed of mushrooms.
She's great with
turkey, too, and she says
that even with the big
ones, about six hours
in a 350 degree oven
usually does the job.
Then for a nice simple dessert,
she prefers fruits and cheese.
- And now let's see
what can happen
if this little
innocent statement
gets into the hands of
an unscrupulous editor.
- Uh, Mr. Lawrence,
you've been married to
your lovely wife
Eydie for many years.
What does she have that women,
that other women don't have?
- Frogs' legs.
- If you come home
in the early afternoon,
how do you usually find her?
- Lightly stewed in
a bed of mushrooms.
- Good heavens, how
do you sober her up?
- Oh, about six hours
in a 350 degree oven
usually does the job.
- Well, if you don't mind
a personal question,
there have been rumors
of marital difficulties.
What's the problem?
- She prefers fruits.
- Thanks and Merry
Christmas to you both.
- 25 years ago today,
Wendell Felkner of Dubuque
tap danced across the
Gobi Desert in a prune suit,
while whistling the Bluebird
of Happiness in C-Sharp,
thus becoming the
27th man in history
to accomplish this feat.
La da di da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
- I think I just tore my girdle.
- Mr. Know-it-all, what is
the longest speech on record?
- What's the longest
index finger on record?
That one right there,
four and half inches.
No, the longest
speech on record.
- Yes.
- Mr. Martin.
- He just slipped away again.
- Longest speech on record
was made by King Ezamalial
to the Gagamites at
Beshmir in 1200 BC.
But we don't know what the
longest speech was about,
because the record is so
scratched, you can't hear a word.
- I see.
- Nary a word.
- What were the
dates of Helen of Troy
and Alexander the Great?
- Well, you should be
able to figure that out.
Helen's date was Alexander,
and Alexander's date was Helen.
That's how he happened to
be called Alexander the Great.
Everybody said, hey
Helen, how was he?
And she said, great!
- What do people do in Greece?
- Well, they slide around a lot.
They get it all over them.
- I don't want to hear any more.
- And they remove
it with birdseed.
- Tell me, oh mighty
one, is there anything
really definite in life?
- Yes and no.
I would say.
- Let me ask you,
this is another...
- You may ask.
- This is my personal questions.
What did the
Chinese ever invent?
- I hope you don't mean
anything demeaning?
- No, no, no, no.
I wondered what they did.
- It just so happens,
sir, that the Chinese
invented a lot
of important stuff.
The Chinese invented
gunpowder and noodles.
But it gave them such heartburn.
- They don't eat it any more.
- Not any more, they went
right back to chop suey.
- All right, Eliza, when a
gentleman approaches you,
extend your hand
for him to kiss it.
- All right, Professor 'iggins?
- No, Eliza, higher, higher.
- (Falsetto) All right,
Professor 'iggins?
- By George, I
think she's got it.
(playful music)
- We're replacing the
question and answer period
in this show with
some information
about small boat sailing.
Now the first thing you
should understand is that,
it's very simple, but
understand the rules of the road.
(audience laughing)
Always make sure that you
understand the Coast Guard laws...
- Ho yah!
- Dick!
What did you did that for?
- Now how did you
know it was me?
- Oh, I just took a wild guess.
- Oh yah hi yah!
- Dick, are you crazy?
- No, I am Baron Evil,
and I am wicked and mean.
- You're also going to be dead
if you stomp on my foot again.
What's this outfit?
It's after Halloween.
- Here here now, they
happen to be making
the pilot of a new TV show,
and I'm one of the guests.
- They're bringing
back My Little Margie.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, it's called
Celebrity Wrestling.
- Celebrity Wrestling.
- And I am the feature match.
- No fooling.
Who is your opponent?
- Well, I asked
for Tuesday Wells.
- I know you would
ask for Tuesday.
Well, what if they give you
somebody like Chuck Connors.
- Who cares, are you kidding?
Are you crazy?
I've got 'em all, I've
got all the moves.
- All the moves.
- First I bite 'em in the
leg, I hit 'em in the kidneys,
I butt 'em in the head.
- You're not allowed to do that!
- I'm not?
- No!
- Those are my best moves.
- What moves, your best moves.
You never wrestled in your life.
- Oh yes, I did, I even
had one professional bout.
- I don't believe it.
- Indeed, I quit right after my
match with the Flying Greek.
- The Flying Greek?
- Yes, he pinned me twice.
Once in the ring,
and again right after
that in the dressing room.
- Well, he probably
didn't hear the bell.
- Well, whatever you say.
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Where did you find the name,
how did you get this name?
Baron Evil Foonman.
- I just happen to be
a direct descendant
of Baron Evil Foonman.
- Is that right?
- Who happens to be
the greatest wrestler
in the history of the sport.
- The greatest history?
- You probably thought it
was Gorgeous George, huh?
- It is Gorgeous George.
- He was fifth.
- All right, did you see
the Olympic wrestlers,
how about that Chris Taylor.
- He was seventh.
- Olympic gold medal winner.
- Twelfth.
- Baron Evil Foonman,
what did he ever do?
- What did he ever do?
I tell you what he ever do.
- What did he ever do?
- I'll tell you right now.
- Oh, good.
- 'Cause he got 'em
over, I can tell you.
It was during the Crimean War.
- The Crimean War.
- Yes.
The people were
crying in the streets.
He was the regimental champion,
and he wiped out
a whole regiment.
- How did he do that?
He's got a secret weapon?
- Yes, he carried the bubonic
plague into battle with him.
Wiped them all out.
In fact this is the very
outfit that he wore,
that was handed down to me.
Is it a little gamy?
- I'm going to catch something.
- Of course, he
was taller than I was.
Well, I'm off.
- I can't argue with that.
(bell ringing)
- But I can't leave
until I hear the bell.
- Well, the bell just
rang, you can leave now.
- Oh.
- Good luck.
- If you were born on this
date, you are a Capricorn.
Capricornians are
very affectionate,
and love surprises, so if
you bump into one in the dark,
be prepared to stay for
the holidays, but be careful.
Their traditional
Christmas feast
is corned beef and loganberries.
- Oh, oh that Steve Lawrence.
Oh I wish I were
a beautiful actress
so I could be with
him every day.
I hope the heat from my
body doesn't melt his grooves.
Good night, Stevie (snoring).
(singing wordlessly)
- Oh, it's only you singing.
I thought somebody
was standing on a cat.
- Oh, come on, Steve.
Don't you think I can swing?
- Oh, hold still baby,
so I can kiss you.
Hold still so I can grab you.
On second thought, maybe
you better keep moving, huh?
- Oh, oh Steve booby, I
prepared a wonderful meal for you.
But first, put your arms
around me, and hold me.
- Yeah, I'd better
do that before eating.
It's safer on an empty stomach.
- Oh, Steve!
How do I love thee?
- Badly, very badly!
- Oh, how can you say that?
You know I'd die for you.
- Yeah, you say it, but you
don't mean it, you never do it!
- Oh, Steve, I hate it
when you're in movies
or on television and
you're hugging and kissing
and singing to
those pretty girls.
Oh Steve, sing a
song to me, please,
sing a song just for me.
- All right, dear, just for you.
How much is that
doggy in the window
(audience applauding)
- Who are you
writing a letter to?
- To God.
- What's is say?
- Dear Howard.
- Howard?
What makes you think
God's name's Howard.
- You know.
Our Father who art in Heaven,
Howard be thy name.
- Mmm.
There's nothing like an
old-fashioned grandmother
for real home home cooking.
What are you making, Grandma?
- Lemonade.
- (Gasps) Oh my God,
oh, it's my husband.
Oh, he mustn't find us together.
In the closet.
- Yeah, in the closet, quick.
(playful music)
- Well, hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Zeke.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you get up and
go fetch your pa some water?
- Is he thirsty?
- Nope, he's on fire.
- Wait til he's thirsty.
- Terrible problem,
part of it is,
I have this, my husband,
uh, says I'm incredibly boring.
I try to show, I bought
some new tea towels,
and I tried to get him to
have some kind of interest...
- No, no, Eliza!
No elbows on the table.
- By George, I
think she's got it.
- Oh, Help Line, for
the past six months,
every night at
exactly six o'clock,
a peeping tom looks at
me through my window.
- [Man On Phone]
For goodness sakes,
why are you calling us now?
- Well, tonight he's late!
- So Steve, what
do Black people sing
during the Christmas season?
- Diahann carols.
- Anybody ever tell you you
sound like Wayne Newton?
- Shut up, you dummy.
- Do this.
- You know what I
got her for Christmas?
A hearing aid.
Now they'll really be
able to hear each other.
- Let's give them a
chance to try them out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
- It's a hearing aid!
- No, it's a hearing aid!
- Let's try 'em!
- Okay, but let's try 'em first!
Can you hear me?
- You don't have
to shout, you know,
I can hear you, I ain't deaf!
Did you just say something?
- Feel pretty good,
nice day ain't it?
- Nice day, ain't it?
- Now that I can
finally hear you,
I find you ain't
got nothing to say.
- And now I can talk normally!
- That's funny, it was
giving me a headache, too.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
Well, ain't you gonna wish
me a Merry Christmas?
- Thank you for your order.
You'll have your
shipment next week.
And just sign that.
Thank you very much, Miss Jones.
I'm going out to lunch,
that'll be all for the day.
Thank you very much.
- Now here's a question sir from
a school teacher
in our audience.
You do take school
teacher questions?
- Oh, yes.
- Here's one.
She is, she has a
friend, she isn't herself,
but she has a friend
who is quadralingual.
Now what does that
mean, quadralingual?
- I knew a woman once
who was quadralingual.
A lot of people don't
understand this word at all.
This woman spoke
only one language,
but she had four tongues.
When she opened her mouth,
you got sick to your stomach.
- All right, Eliza,
now remember,
the soup goes
on the table first.
("Deck the Halls" on kazoos)
By George, I think she's got it.
- Look, look, I know you
got a classy restaurant,
and I know you've
seen a lot of animal acts,
but this one I tell
you is different?
- Yeah, how?
- I work with a carp.
Here, come here, I'll show you.
- A carp?
- Just stand right over here.
Yeah, I work with a carp.
Here, look at that, huh?
- That's a lot of carp.
- You bet your bird he is.
I've trained him
to hold his breath.
- Oh, that's great.
You really expect
people to come in here
and pay a $3 cover to watch
some creep hole and a carp?
- Hey, what do mean
creep hole and a carp?
This is just not
an ordinary carp!
- Yeah?
- Yeah, this carp
does bird calls!
- [Dan] He does bird calls?
- Watch this, I'll show you.
Come on, sweetheart, we're on.
This is the big time,
now don't let me down.
This could mean it.
All right, now watch this.
(sings a fanfare)
Here's a bobwhite.
(fish whistling)
- That's not bad.
Then what?
- You kidding?
This is a toughy, watch
this, this is a very difficult one.
This is a speckle-throated
barn swallow.
Okay, kid, go.
(fish whistling)
- That's terrific.
What do you do next?
Is that it?
- I'll be right with you,
I'll be right with you.
I have to compliment
him after every call,
otherwise he gets crazy.
You're beautiful,
you're beautiful.
Can you hear me?
You do the next one right,
I'll give you a fin, okay?
- What's he do next?
- Huh?
- What does he do next?
- Next one is going
to be a beauty.
This is the toughest one ever.
This is a real toughy.
This carp now is going
to whistle Ebb Tide
all the way through
while smoking your cigar.
Watch this.
Okay, pussy cat, go ahead.
(fish starts to
whistle, then coughs)
- You mean he's...
- The carp is kaput.
- Aw, that's a
shame, that's too bad.
- No wait, hey, look,
maybe we can make a deal.
- What are you talking
about, make a deal?
You nuts or something?
What am I going to do with
a dead carp in my show?
- Well, maybe you can use
him in your bouillabaisse.
I hate to see him
lay there like a lox.
(audience applauding)
- George, I've had enough.
We've been married for 10 years
and I don't think you
care for me anymore.
We don't have any children,
we don't have any marriage.
All you ever think about
is your auto repair shop.
- That's not true.
I'm going to have
to fix your muffler.
- Hey, Barlow.
- Yeah, Zeke.
- It's coming on spring.
We oughta start planting
something in the ground.
- Yer dead right, Zeke.
Let's start with Grandpa.
He's been laying out
there now for a month.
- I just heard where Hollywood
is going to make a
comedy war movie
about a Jewish
medical unit in Korea.
It's called Moishe.
- Are these bottles
no deposit, no return?
- Well, yes and no.
- Well, what do you mean?
- Well, yes you have
to pay us a deposit,
but no, we don't
let you return them.
- All right, shape up
and be jolly, America.
General Bullwright
saying Season's Greetings
to all you good Americans.
Big day's in two weeks.
We'll be having a
traditional Christmas mess,
cranberries, beans,
turkey, with SOS.
That's stuffing
on a shingle, son.
- Right, Dad, sir.
- Now in the true
yuletide spirit,
my son, U.S., has
written a lot of great songs,
right, U.S.?
- Right, Dad, sir.
- Songs like Frosty
the Snow Trooper,
Jingle Bombs,
that's my favorite.
- And don't forget
my new one, Dad, sir.
Rudolph the Red Nose.
- The Red Nose what?
- The Red knows
everything, so watch it.
- You watch it, boy.
Use of America's and those
good strong hands of yours,
and that's my boy right there.
You going to sing it now?
- No sir, I'm going to
do a Christmas poem.
- A Christmas poem.
- Yes sir.
- Well, good for you.
- Night Before Christmas.
- Go ahead.
Playing that himself, you know.
- Twas the night
before Christmas
And all through the tent
We thanked Melvin Laird
for the money he'd spent
Old Santa had left us
the presents he'd made
Two mortars, a jeep,
an old hand grenade
And I heard him exclaim
as he turned with a jerk
Please call me a cab
My F-111 won't work.
- Beautiful, son,
that's just beautiful.
- Now, Eliza, in order
to learn proper carriage,
you must take this book
and place it firmly on the head.
- Whatever you say, Professor.
- All right.
By George, I think she's got it.
- Mr. Know-it-all, here's a
question from a sports fan,
that is sports fan.
We hear a lot about
Joe Namath's trick knee.
What does that expression
mean, trick knee?
- People are always
looking for something sneaky.
This was very straight.
It means exactly what it says.
Joe's left knee can
do a lot of tricks.
I personally, I personally
have seen it do a somersault.
- No you haven't.
- Oh, I have.
I saw it one night, it went
and fetched the paper.
- It didn't!
- Yes, I have seen it
roll over and play dead.
- That's a trick knee.
- I saw it grab a girl.
- No, no.
That's a trick.
(playful music)
Hey, we want to thank you
for being such a great guest.
- My pleasure, I really
had a good time, thank you.
Listen, before I say goodnight,
is Mad Dog Chisolm, the
prop man, around anywhere?
- I don't think so, why?
- Well, in that
case, I'd like to tell
everybody where I'm going
to be working next week.
- Great, where are
you going to be?
- I'm going to be in Colorado.
- Oh, in Denver?
- No, Boulder.
- [Dan And Dick] Boulder.
- That crazy person
almost killed me!
- Listen, you want see something
that will really kill you,
tune in (inaudible) week
from tonight when
you're going to be thrilled
by what you see, take a look.
With our guests Howard Cosell,
Alex Karras, Kent
McCord and Martin Milner,
and Vin Scully.
So it's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Well, as long as
you did mention it,
who pulled Santa's
sleigh, has a funny nose,
and chases Theda
Bara across the desert?
- Who, pray tell?
- Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Valentino.
- [Dan And Steve]
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, everybody,
happy holidays!
- Goodnight.
- Art Carney.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick!
- You're supposed
to say it, too!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Not to mention Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I told you not
to mention Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Howard.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(playful music)
(woman laughing)
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Oh, oh, oh.
- We going to have to...
- They think it's Jean Bayliss.
- Yes, we need
some extra guards.
Well, we have a very
special Christmas treat.
- Indeed.
- What a guest,
huh, a fancy singer.
- A very fancy...
- And a clever actor.
- Ah ha!
- Good buddy,
Mr. Steve Lawrence.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you very much,
a pleasure to be here.
- Did you hear that voice?
What power, what tone,
what depth, what, uh...
- Timbre.
- Timbre.
- Look out!
- Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, fellows,
timbre, that just means that
my voice has a certain quality.
- We, we, we know that, you see.
But you better
be a little careful
what you say around this show.
You see, we have a
prop man, a little dingy.
Everything...
- Well, I got a little dingy.
- Everything he
hears, he takes literally.
- Yeah, Mad Dog Chisolm.
- Mad Dog Chisolm.
- Or as we call
him, Props Galore.
- Sound like a dangerous man.
He must be bombed.
- Look out!
Thank goodness it was a dud.
- Yes, watch what
you say, Steve.
- Son of a gun.
Lucky for me my
name's not Rock Hudson.
- Look out!
- I'll get you for
that, Mad Dog!
Hey, I'm getting
out of here, man.
I'm chicken, I mean it, fellas.
- You're chicken.
- Chicken!
(audience laughing)
(chickens squawking)
- Remember him, Pape News?
- Now look, Steve.
- Could have been a
star, bad management.
(audience applauding)
- Like we said.
- [Both] Watch what you say.
- This is the greatest
office Christmas party
I've ever been to.
- Yeah, you can say that again.
- What do you say tomorrow,
we come back and get a job here?
- Great idea!
- Sir.
- May I help you?
- Yes, this sweater
was a Christmas gift,
and I have to exchange it.
Do you have it in another color,
possibly purple?
This isn't my color.
- I guess it isn't.
I, I'll check, watch my hair.
- Hey Tod, last Saturday
I stood in a long line
for three hours to
see Santa Claus,
and I was the only kid
Santa Claus talked to.
- What did he say?
- Keep the line moving.
- Hey, Sarah.
- What, Steve?
- Who worked for Santa
Claus, lived at the North Pole,
and carried a
sleigh in his mouth?
- I don't know, who?
- Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Dummy.
- Oh, honey, I was so worried.
- Well, hello.
Uh, I'm sorry, on the way
home I lost all your presents.
- That's all right, all I
want from you is love,
tender love and romance.
- I already gave
at the office party.
And I'm going back for more.
- Hello.
- How do you do?
- How are you, sir?
I'm looking for a really nice
Christmas present for my wife.
- Well, certainly.
How about a wrap?
- Hey, great idea.
- You got it.
- Harry.
- Yes?
- Come here.
- What?
- Well, doesn't that mistletoe
remind you of something?
- What's it supposed
to remind me of?
- Kissing, kissing, kissing.
- Oh, of course, I forgot.
Maria!
Merry Christmas, dear.
- And now, from the
Little Town of Burbank
Defense Department
Contractors and Toy Factory,
NBC, the Night Before
Christmas network
joyfully presents
the jolly Dan Rowan,
and the red-nosed Dick Martin,
with guest star Steve Lawrence,
and cameo guests Steve
Allen and these holiday reveler,
Ruth Buzzi,
Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier,
Tod Bass,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
with this Christmas reminder,
take an elf to lunch.
They're a little
short this week.
(playful music)
- [Gary] And now, here's
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Would you mind
explaining this to me?
- Sure.
You see, in the springtime
the bees carry the pollen
from the female
flowers to the males.
- I don't mean that.
I mean, what's she doing here?
- Well, she's doing
nothing here compared to
what she was doing an
hour ago at the office party.
- Who is she, anyway?
- She's my new secretary.
- What do you, I didn't
know you had a secretary.
- Are you kidding?
I have a secretary,
two file clerks,
and an elevator operator.
- Aren't you going to
introduce me to her?
- I'd like to, but I can't.
- Why, you forget her name?
- No, I forgot yours.
- Why don't you have her
wait in your dressing room?
- My dressing room?
I thought we were
in my dressing room.
- Well, that figures.
- Would you mind
waiting for me in my car?
It's the yellow
convertible parked
right on top of the Volkswagen.
- New secretary, huh?
- Yes, sir.
- You know, come to think of it,
I stopped by that
Christmas party,
I didn't see a sign of
you or your secretary.
- Well, we were there.
You know that blue
couch in the corner.
- Yeah.
- Well, we were in the
chandelier right above it.
- What were you
doing in the chandelier?
- Well you see, in the springtime,
the bees carry the pollen
from the female flowers...
- All right, all right,
will you forget that?
It's time to go to our
own Christmas party.
(audience applauding)
(dance music)
Hi, Sarah.
- Hi.
- Do you like to be kissed
under the mistletoe?
- No, I like it under my nose.
- Oh.
- You know, for the
first time in my life,
I got a Christmas present
that was just the right size.
She was a 38-D.
- You know, the President
and the Vice President
divide the work
during Christmas.
- [Dan] No kidding.
- Yeah.
Mr. Nixon wraps presents,
and Spiro wraps Congress.
- You know Ruthy, I
think there's too much
wire tapping going on nowadays.
- Oh, you're right.
I was just talking about that
to an FBI agent on the phone.
- Well, why would you call an
FBI agent on Christmas night?
- Oh, I wasn't calling him,
I was calling my
aunt in Cleveland.
- The holidays are always
more difficult in Vietnam.
I mean, how do you decorate
a defoliated Christmas tree?
- I didn't realize how artificial
Christmas had become,
until I was standing
next to my aluminum
Christmas tree under
my plastic mistletoe,
and my boyfriend came
over and kissed my brother.
- Boy, I'll never
forget last Christmas.
- [Dan] Why not?
- We all went over
to Howard's house,
yeah, and got roaring
drunk, really tore the place up.
Yeah, we were
having a terrific time.
Then Howard spoiled
it all by coming home.
- The way things have been
going in the church this year,
I almost expected
a card that said,
Merry Christmas from Cardinal
and Mrs. J. Michael Mulligan.
- Hey, Lily, did you
know that the Navy
is now allowing
women to go to sea
as regular members of the crew?
- Yes, and it must
be going great,
because they just
changed the name of
the USS Ticonderoga
to guess what?
- What?
- The Good Ship Whoopy.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'd like a little
Christmas cheer.
- [Both] Oh, sure.
Hip, hip, hooray, Christmas.
I was in a southern bar
And I noticed integration
is making progress
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- You mean like the races
were drinking together?
- No, but on the jukebox
they had Old Black Magic
mixed with White Christmas.
- Even organized crime gets
sentimental on Christmas.
Anybody they dump in
the East River on that day
has to be gift wrapped.
- Speaking of Vietnam,
General Tu has been getting gifts
for years from an old man
with a long white beard.
- Santa Claus.
- No, Uncle Sam.
(audience applauding)
- And now, here are
some more of Gary Owen's
Christmas safety hints.
Number one, never
run down the street
with reindeer
antlers in your mouth.
- One ringy-dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this Jacques Cousteau,
the old man in the sea?
Good.
Mr. Cousteau, I'm Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company,
the world's biggest
octopus (snorts).
Now you listen here.
I have your request for
an underwater telephone.
All I can say is, don't
hold your breath, Jacques.
We can't have Ma Bell's
equipment covered with barnacles.
(snorts)
(audience applauding)
Got my bodice all damp.
- Another yuletide hint.
Never put an electric eel
in a wet Christmas stocking.
- Hey, Zeke.
- Yup?
- How come that
12-year-old girl up there
on the hill ain't married yet?
- Well, wouldn't
look right, Barlow.
She ain't been a widow
more than a week.
- Another yuletide hint for you.
Never shoplift a grand piano
the day after a
hernia operation.
- 12 o'clock and all's well.
(playful music)
12:01 and things are only so-so.
- Another Christmas safety hint.
Never jokingly send an exploding
fruitcake to the Godfather.
- Hey, Tod, what'd you
have for Christmas dinner?
- Turkey.
- Was it good?
- Well, I didn't
like the turkey,
but I liked the
bread the turkey ate.
- Patti.
- Hmm.
- Thought you'd never ask.
Say, Patti.
- Hmm.
- No, you're supposed to
say "Patti" when I say Patti.
Say, Patti.
- Yes.
- Patti, did you know that the
Carol Burnett Christmas show
had the same rating
as Anna and the King?
- Whoa, what does that mean?
- Yul tied Carol.
- Chinese restaurant scene,
take two, and you get egg roll.
- Ma, you can throw
this old thing away,
I've just invented
a hearing aid,
built into a pair of glasses.
- Oh, that's wonderful, son.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- Now see, no one
will ever know now
you're wearing a hearing aid.
- Uh, the gentleman
is here who's come
to be interviewed
for the new role
in your great big extravaganza.
Right here.
- Well, I'm here and
your troubles are over.
- You're here and my
troubles are just beginning.
You must be here for the role.
- No, I just had a roll, I fell
more like a prune danish.
- Funny, you look more
like a strawberry tart.
What I need is an actor.
- Well, I once did a love scene
on a stage in Davenport, Iowa.
Or was it a love scene on
a davenport in Stage, Iowa.
- More likely you
got thrown over
by a stage in Davenport, Iowa.
How long have you been an actor.
- What time is it now?
- 10 to.
- 10 to what?
- 10 to five you
don't get the job.
- I've had enough of
these shenanigans.
- Well, how many shenanigans
do you usually have?
- Eight.
- Well, we've only
got three, too bad.
Can you read a part cold?
- Certainly I can.
Just open the window
and I'll take my clothes off.
- I don't like your looks.
Get out of here.
- That's the most
ridiculous thing I ever heard.
My solicitor will contact
you in the morning.
- My contact will solicit
you in the morning.
- Be that as it may.
- Oh, yeah?
- You probably
don't remember me.
- Why, I never forget a face.
But in your case I'm
willing to make an exception.
- I didn't come up
here to be insulted.
- Well, where do you usually go?
- I came here for the part.
- Oh, perfect, you got it.
- I know I got it, now
how do I get rid of it?
- I think I got it, too.
Call me a doctor.
- All right, you're a doctor.
What I really need,
though, is an actor.
- Well, I once did a love
scene in Davenport, Iowa.
- That's amazing, so did I.
- [Both] Darling, sweetheart.
- Okay, one box of mashed
potatoes at 64 cents.
One can floor
wax, that's a $1.69.
- Hey, I don't know if
this floor wax is any good.
It's got sodium nitrate M12
and ammodiatum hydroxide 13.
What's that stuff?
- Well, I don't know,
but it better be good,
'cause the same thing's
here in your mashed potatoes.
- All right, Eliza, now
first you take the tea
in your right hand, and
you stir it with your left.
- All right, Professor 'iggins.
There.
- By George, I
think she's got it.
- Say, ladies and
gentlemen, we're very honored
to have with us this evening a
man who just happens to be...
- [Man] It doesn't just
happen, it's hard work!
- He doesn't just
happen to be, but he is
an expert on almost every
subject you can name.
Whether your questions
are about politics,
science, philosophy,
whatever they are,
this man can answer them.
Here he is.
- Here he is!
- Mister Know-it-all.
(greeting each other)
- May I say that it's a
pleasure having you here?
- And may I saw that it's
a pleasure to be had, here.
- Let's stick
around for a minute.
Well, Mr. Know-it-all,
we have some
very interesting
questions for you tonight.
Would you mind if
we put them to you?
- Well, it'll get pretty darn
quiet out here if you don't.
- Might even if we do.
- The first question,
which comes from someone
in the audience
about the best way,
what's the best
way to hear about
an orthodontist, a good one.
- Word of mouth.
- Makes sense.
- Moving right along to the
next question, Mr. Know-it-all,
is plastic surgery...
- Although I'm
Mr. Know-it-all, I didn't know
the reaction that
joke would get.
- You can't expect
to be right all the time.
- That's right.
- Is plastic surgery
really effective?
- Oh, who are you to ask that?
My goodness, I think
it's very effective.
I just went to a
terrific plastic surgeon.
He gave me a new
nose and a new chin.
- Was he very expensive?
- He charged me
an arm and a leg.
(playful music)
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Ha, ha, ha!
- [Both] He he he he he!
We're making toys
for girls and boys
We hope they will enjoy 'em
Some useful gifts
they really need
Let's hope they
won't destroy 'em
For Broadway lots of healthy biz
Some better films
for Dick and Liz
And we'll make
sure it really is a
Merry Christmas
Another gift like Cabaret
We're sending Miss Minnelli
To spread on Jake
Paul Deddy's bread
A jar of real mint jelly
And Marge'll get some applesauce
Gardenias for Diana Ross
So this year
ain't a total loss a
Merry Christmas
Jingle bells for Orson Welles
It's deck the halls
with Lucy Balls
A joyous Noel Coward
and Yul Brynner
It's hark, the Harold
Robbin's story
Zsa Zsa gets her dreams of glory
Mama Cass gets
cottage cheese for dinner
There's tennis shoes
for Howard Hughes
He never seems to buy 'em
Some acting
lessons for Mark Spitz
Let's hope the
heck he'll try 'em
And Raquel gets
her treasure chest
Some naughty jokes
for Miss Mae West
With love and joy
to all these rest a
Merry Christmas
And Nixon sticks the wealthy for
Another trip to China
A date for Henry Kissinger
A kiss for Burt and Dinah
And Tom Jones gets
some clothes that fit
Eydie Gorme gets a great big hit
And then on top of all of it a
Merry Christmas
A very Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year
- Ho, ho, ho!
(audience applauding)
- Excuse me, sir.
- Oh, yes, what is it?
- I'd like to change this
for something in a 9-A.
- Oh, a 9-A.
You looking for shoes or a bra?
- I know a man who has
such a severe headache
that he went to an
acupuncture doctor
who put 72 pins in his head.
Now only did it
cure him, but he also
got a part-time
job as a sprinkler.
- My name is Edith
Ann and I don't
have to say nothing
if I don't want to.
My old dog Buster,
he don't smell good.
And I have to give him a bath.
But he don't like baths,
so, 'cause he don't like
to be really clean, so when
I washed him yesterday,
I used one cup of bubble bath,
and two cups of dirt.
And that's the truth
(blows raspberry).
- Lola, it's important
also for a woman
to know how to choose
and select the proper wine.
First you pour a little
wine into the glass.
Right.
And now you drink the wine.
By George, I think she's got it.
(audience laughing)
- Betsy Ross, what on
earth is that you're sewing?
- Oh, well I'm not too sure.
I guess we'll
just have to run it
up the flagpole and
see who salutes it.
- The Indians got me,
the Indians got me!
It's an ambush!
- Where, where?
- Here, here, here.
- You got a neat one over here.
- Thank you.
- Hey Moosie, this
Christmas I had
kind of a problem
with my presents.
- No kidding, what's that?
- I got a bike,
an astronaut suit,
a catcher's mitt, a
set of Fast Wheels,
a construction set, some candy,
and six pair of socks.
- Well, what's your problem?
- What am I going to
do with all those socks?
- Gee, that Eydie
is so talented.
Did you know that
when she sleeps,
she snores in three octaves.
- I know.
- I do, I want a divorce.
My husband treats
me just like a child.
- Oh, those sound like
sufficient grounds to me.
- Yes, and I want
custody of all my dollies.
- Hey Sarah.
Who fa... (laughing)
- What?
- Who falls down a
chimney once a year
with a bag full of broken gifts?
- I don't know, who?
- Santa Klutz.
- You know what, Zeke.
- What's that, Barlow?
- There a 32 mile
walk into town just to,
just to pick up
grandma's pension check.
- Yeah, I know, but
it's gotta be done.
Grandma's over 90, and
feeble, can hardly move.
- Yeah, I know that,
I know that, Zeke.
And every month it takes
her longer and longer
to get there and back.
- I'm Detective Frank
Bannix, and I'll have
this case solved in 30 seconds.
- But there's
nothing wrong here.
- How do you like that?
I did it in five.
- I can't make a right turn.
Can you help me?
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- Fellow I knew in college
was a real double threat.
He was captain of the football
team and homecoming queen.
- On this day in history,
Melvin R. Shmoots
of Grelg, North Carolina,
invited the meebliflans
that made the
gelterwheel possible.
All around the neighborhood
Everybody feeling
good Help is on it's way
Oh, happy day
- Hey man, you
know I can hardly wait
to see if Santa Claus
brought me what I asked for.
- Well, did you take
my advice and ask for
something practical,
I mean like something
you could use every day.
- Yeah, I asked
him for Diana Ross.
- Well, why'd you
go asking for her?
- Well, I didn't know what to do
with, you know, Kaye Ballard.
- Well, look, I tell you what,
don't know it's better
to give than to receive?
- Don't tell me,
tell Diana Ross.
- What did you get me?
- Look under the tree.
- I don't see anything.
- What you see is what you get.
Merry Christmas, baby.
- Merry Christmas, man.
Oh, happy day
- Hey, Eliza, tonight
we're going to the opera.
Now first you'll have
to remove your gloves.
Do you know how
to do it properly?
(striptease music)
By George, I think she's got it.
- How are you?
- Just fine.
- Let's see, that's a
loaf of bread, 35 cents.
- Oh, just, just a
minute, I have a coupon
that gives me five percent off.
- Well, I guess you're right.
Okay, you're the customer.
- Uh huh.
- Let's see now, one,
two, three, four, five.
Let's see, that's 30
cents for the bread,
52 cents for the labor,
that will be 82 cents.
- The next question is
extremely interesting,
Mr. Know-it-all.
- [Mr. Know-It-All]
We're due for one.
- A lady in our audience asks,
what can you tell us
about Cloris Leachman?
- I'm going to play
this one very straight.
- I hope so.
- Yes, I'll say this
about Cloris Leachman.
Cloris Leachman is
the basic ingredient
in most of your standard
wash-day detergents.
Cloris Leachman is so effective,
that it will make even
your colored clothes
come out sparkling white.
(playful music)
- Webster defines
station as a place where
a person is appointed to remain,
while a break is a
stroke of good luck.
So station break means
that, if you're lucky,
you're stuck with Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
We are Christmas
snowflake family
Far alone and tempest tossed
When we get it all together
Then we find our Jackie Frost
What's that news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way that's not too foolish
Very, very cool and
very, very yuleish
We just love to
give you our views
La da di da La da di
da Christmas snowflake
Here is the Laugh-In News
With old Jack Frost
- [Gary] And now,
here's the Laugh-In News
with women's lib
not doing the dishes,
Howard Cosell feeling malicious,
Golda Meir cooking some knishes,
and let's all go
caroling at Trish's.
Now with the news,
here's Dan and Dick.
- But first these headlines.
- Olympic star Mark Spitz
to-nay announced wedding plans.
- [Dan] Today announced.
- Today announced
wedding plans for the sprig.
Spring.
The world-famed swim-ber...
- [Dan] Swimmer.
- Swimmer said
that he and his bride,
the former Charlotte
Tuna, have planned
a quiet honeymoon spawning
up the Columbia River.
- That was a beauty
once you go to it.
- Thank you.
Some of those
words were misplaced.
- [Dan] Yes.
- It's just been reported
that Santa Claus
is stuck in a chimney
at 1402 Plaza Drive
in Lompot, California.
- [Dan] Oh dear.
- Fun city.
The emergency squad
from Weight Watchers
is on the scene and promises
to have him down safety
by St. Swithen's Day.
And now, before
anyone takes umbrage,
here's Dan with the future news.
- What, someone take umbrage?
- Why, is one missing?
- News of the future,
20 years from now.
The new TV season
brought with it
the ultimate in so-called
relevant situation comedies
with a new series about
a lovable black bigot
who is married to a
white police woman,
and the problems
they face raising
their three young
Puerto Rican children
and a wonder dog in
a small two-door sedan
that is parked in
front of a synagogue.
The show is called
Leave It to Beaver.
News of the future,
200 years from today.
Mr. R. L. Cramer,
and inventor on Mars,
announced today the
discovery of a small unit
he calls "ray-de-o."
It does everything
the large holographic
three-dimensional television
does, said Mr. Cramer,
but you don't have to
look at the darn thing.
Now here's Sarah with
a hot Hollywood item.
- In a desperate attempt
to improve sagging ratings,
the producers of the TV
series based on The King and I
have decided to paint
Yul Brynner's head
completely white and
call it The Egg and I.
That's it.
- And now here's
Lily Tomlin to explain
the spirit of Christmas.
- Well, to me Christmas
is so m, all the wonderful
kind of jo, mistletoe, chest,
little baby Je, has those,
has that little neat,
the little light above,
and people on the bu,
and snow and things falling,
and all little elves dancing
and making little tapping
on little, uh, t, and uh San,
And a partridge in a pear tree
- And now a look
at the lighter side
of the Black news with
Willie Tyler and Lester.
- It's time for the Black
News Report with me,
Willie Tyler, a step
ahead of the news.
- And me, I'm Lester,
a step ahead of the law.
- Hey man, it's Christmas,
aren't you in good spirits?
- Yeah, man, and good
spirits is in me (hiccups).
(snoring)
- Why you so tired?
- Are you kidding, man?
I've been working all
night at the North Pole,
helping Santa Claus.
- Oh, you an elf, right?
- No, man, I ain't
no elf, I'm a brownie.
Don't you know nothing?
(audience applauding)
- Here with a
late breaking item,
the late breaking Patty Deutsch.
- Don Durgin, the
President of NBC Television
announced today that if you
happen to miss Christmas Eve,
the network will
rerun it on July 4th,
Easter Sunday, Labor Day,
but not on December 24th,
when it will be preempted
by the Rams-Packer game.
- Now here's a report
from the Sino-Soviet border.
- Ah, you know, Chairman
Mao recently print
a book on individual freedom
and rights of the people.
- Did you read it?
- Of course.
If I hadn't, I'd have been shot.
- You deserve to be.
You know, you have
to certainly admire
the unique program we
Russians have instituted
to produce Olympic
gold medals in basketball.
- Oh, you mean way
you train players?
- No, I don't mean the
way we train players.
The way we train referees.
Get in the box.
- Now to Jud Strunk
in the sports capital
of the world, Farmington, Maine.
- Hi there, Jud Strunk here from
the Farmington Frost Festival.
And boy have we got a
beauty for you this week.
The barrel bump.
You're gonna see
Belly-Flop Boxworthy,
barrel bumper from Bitterford,
do his stuff here on
the ice he's resting.
Now he's gonna
belly back, bounce up,
bump the barrels,
land on his feet
without beating the bejabbers
out of his bottom or himself.
You think he can do it?
Let's see if he can.
Come on, Belly-Flop.
There he goes,
he's bellying back,
bumping the barrels,
bouncing 'em up,
landing on his feet, and
backing off to Bangor,
where Belva Bourbon with a
bevvy of beauties from Belfast.
Back to you, Ban and Bick.
- Here's Angel Good with
all the news from Paradise.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
Scooby dooby, scooby
- Where are you?
Oh, hi, this is Angel Good with
the good news from Heaven.
Well, we voted today to make
comedian Henny Youngman
an honorary member of Heaven,
even though he has
not passed on yet.
And the reason
for this is because
Henny has died more times
than anyone else in history.
Oh, wait, and the
big romance between
Cleopatra and King
Tut has broken off.
It seems they got into a
very romantic embrace,
but every time he
whispered, "Cleo, Cleo,"
all she answered
was, "Tut, Tut."
- Here's a simple
personal statement
by Steve Lawrence about
his wife, Eydie Gorme.
- I'm a lucky guy.
My wife Eydie's a great cook.
One of her specialties
is frogs' legs,
lightly stewed in a
bed of mushrooms.
She's great with
turkey, too, and she says
that even with the big
ones, about six hours
in a 350 degree oven
usually does the job.
Then for a nice simple dessert,
she prefers fruits and cheese.
- And now let's see
what can happen
if this little
innocent statement
gets into the hands of
an unscrupulous editor.
- Uh, Mr. Lawrence,
you've been married to
your lovely wife
Eydie for many years.
What does she have that women,
that other women don't have?
- Frogs' legs.
- If you come home
in the early afternoon,
how do you usually find her?
- Lightly stewed in
a bed of mushrooms.
- Good heavens, how
do you sober her up?
- Oh, about six hours
in a 350 degree oven
usually does the job.
- Well, if you don't mind
a personal question,
there have been rumors
of marital difficulties.
What's the problem?
- She prefers fruits.
- Thanks and Merry
Christmas to you both.
- 25 years ago today,
Wendell Felkner of Dubuque
tap danced across the
Gobi Desert in a prune suit,
while whistling the Bluebird
of Happiness in C-Sharp,
thus becoming the
27th man in history
to accomplish this feat.
La da di da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
- I think I just tore my girdle.
- Mr. Know-it-all, what is
the longest speech on record?
- What's the longest
index finger on record?
That one right there,
four and half inches.
No, the longest
speech on record.
- Yes.
- Mr. Martin.
- He just slipped away again.
- Longest speech on record
was made by King Ezamalial
to the Gagamites at
Beshmir in 1200 BC.
But we don't know what the
longest speech was about,
because the record is so
scratched, you can't hear a word.
- I see.
- Nary a word.
- What were the
dates of Helen of Troy
and Alexander the Great?
- Well, you should be
able to figure that out.
Helen's date was Alexander,
and Alexander's date was Helen.
That's how he happened to
be called Alexander the Great.
Everybody said, hey
Helen, how was he?
And she said, great!
- What do people do in Greece?
- Well, they slide around a lot.
They get it all over them.
- I don't want to hear any more.
- And they remove
it with birdseed.
- Tell me, oh mighty
one, is there anything
really definite in life?
- Yes and no.
I would say.
- Let me ask you,
this is another...
- You may ask.
- This is my personal questions.
What did the
Chinese ever invent?
- I hope you don't mean
anything demeaning?
- No, no, no, no.
I wondered what they did.
- It just so happens,
sir, that the Chinese
invented a lot
of important stuff.
The Chinese invented
gunpowder and noodles.
But it gave them such heartburn.
- They don't eat it any more.
- Not any more, they went
right back to chop suey.
- All right, Eliza, when a
gentleman approaches you,
extend your hand
for him to kiss it.
- All right, Professor 'iggins?
- No, Eliza, higher, higher.
- (Falsetto) All right,
Professor 'iggins?
- By George, I
think she's got it.
(playful music)
- We're replacing the
question and answer period
in this show with
some information
about small boat sailing.
Now the first thing you
should understand is that,
it's very simple, but
understand the rules of the road.
(audience laughing)
Always make sure that you
understand the Coast Guard laws...
- Ho yah!
- Dick!
What did you did that for?
- Now how did you
know it was me?
- Oh, I just took a wild guess.
- Oh yah hi yah!
- Dick, are you crazy?
- No, I am Baron Evil,
and I am wicked and mean.
- You're also going to be dead
if you stomp on my foot again.
What's this outfit?
It's after Halloween.
- Here here now, they
happen to be making
the pilot of a new TV show,
and I'm one of the guests.
- They're bringing
back My Little Margie.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, it's called
Celebrity Wrestling.
- Celebrity Wrestling.
- And I am the feature match.
- No fooling.
Who is your opponent?
- Well, I asked
for Tuesday Wells.
- I know you would
ask for Tuesday.
Well, what if they give you
somebody like Chuck Connors.
- Who cares, are you kidding?
Are you crazy?
I've got 'em all, I've
got all the moves.
- All the moves.
- First I bite 'em in the
leg, I hit 'em in the kidneys,
I butt 'em in the head.
- You're not allowed to do that!
- I'm not?
- No!
- Those are my best moves.
- What moves, your best moves.
You never wrestled in your life.
- Oh yes, I did, I even
had one professional bout.
- I don't believe it.
- Indeed, I quit right after my
match with the Flying Greek.
- The Flying Greek?
- Yes, he pinned me twice.
Once in the ring,
and again right after
that in the dressing room.
- Well, he probably
didn't hear the bell.
- Well, whatever you say.
- Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Where did you find the name,
how did you get this name?
Baron Evil Foonman.
- I just happen to be
a direct descendant
of Baron Evil Foonman.
- Is that right?
- Who happens to be
the greatest wrestler
in the history of the sport.
- The greatest history?
- You probably thought it
was Gorgeous George, huh?
- It is Gorgeous George.
- He was fifth.
- All right, did you see
the Olympic wrestlers,
how about that Chris Taylor.
- He was seventh.
- Olympic gold medal winner.
- Twelfth.
- Baron Evil Foonman,
what did he ever do?
- What did he ever do?
I tell you what he ever do.
- What did he ever do?
- I'll tell you right now.
- Oh, good.
- 'Cause he got 'em
over, I can tell you.
It was during the Crimean War.
- The Crimean War.
- Yes.
The people were
crying in the streets.
He was the regimental champion,
and he wiped out
a whole regiment.
- How did he do that?
He's got a secret weapon?
- Yes, he carried the bubonic
plague into battle with him.
Wiped them all out.
In fact this is the very
outfit that he wore,
that was handed down to me.
Is it a little gamy?
- I'm going to catch something.
- Of course, he
was taller than I was.
Well, I'm off.
- I can't argue with that.
(bell ringing)
- But I can't leave
until I hear the bell.
- Well, the bell just
rang, you can leave now.
- Oh.
- Good luck.
- If you were born on this
date, you are a Capricorn.
Capricornians are
very affectionate,
and love surprises, so if
you bump into one in the dark,
be prepared to stay for
the holidays, but be careful.
Their traditional
Christmas feast
is corned beef and loganberries.
- Oh, oh that Steve Lawrence.
Oh I wish I were
a beautiful actress
so I could be with
him every day.
I hope the heat from my
body doesn't melt his grooves.
Good night, Stevie (snoring).
(singing wordlessly)
- Oh, it's only you singing.
I thought somebody
was standing on a cat.
- Oh, come on, Steve.
Don't you think I can swing?
- Oh, hold still baby,
so I can kiss you.
Hold still so I can grab you.
On second thought, maybe
you better keep moving, huh?
- Oh, oh Steve booby, I
prepared a wonderful meal for you.
But first, put your arms
around me, and hold me.
- Yeah, I'd better
do that before eating.
It's safer on an empty stomach.
- Oh, Steve!
How do I love thee?
- Badly, very badly!
- Oh, how can you say that?
You know I'd die for you.
- Yeah, you say it, but you
don't mean it, you never do it!
- Oh, Steve, I hate it
when you're in movies
or on television and
you're hugging and kissing
and singing to
those pretty girls.
Oh Steve, sing a
song to me, please,
sing a song just for me.
- All right, dear, just for you.
How much is that
doggy in the window
(audience applauding)
- Who are you
writing a letter to?
- To God.
- What's is say?
- Dear Howard.
- Howard?
What makes you think
God's name's Howard.
- You know.
Our Father who art in Heaven,
Howard be thy name.
- Mmm.
There's nothing like an
old-fashioned grandmother
for real home home cooking.
What are you making, Grandma?
- Lemonade.
- (Gasps) Oh my God,
oh, it's my husband.
Oh, he mustn't find us together.
In the closet.
- Yeah, in the closet, quick.
(playful music)
- Well, hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Zeke.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you get up and
go fetch your pa some water?
- Is he thirsty?
- Nope, he's on fire.
- Wait til he's thirsty.
- Terrible problem,
part of it is,
I have this, my husband,
uh, says I'm incredibly boring.
I try to show, I bought
some new tea towels,
and I tried to get him to
have some kind of interest...
- No, no, Eliza!
No elbows on the table.
- By George, I
think she's got it.
- Oh, Help Line, for
the past six months,
every night at
exactly six o'clock,
a peeping tom looks at
me through my window.
- [Man On Phone]
For goodness sakes,
why are you calling us now?
- Well, tonight he's late!
- So Steve, what
do Black people sing
during the Christmas season?
- Diahann carols.
- Anybody ever tell you you
sound like Wayne Newton?
- Shut up, you dummy.
- Do this.
- You know what I
got her for Christmas?
A hearing aid.
Now they'll really be
able to hear each other.
- Let's give them a
chance to try them out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
- It's a hearing aid!
- No, it's a hearing aid!
- Let's try 'em!
- Okay, but let's try 'em first!
Can you hear me?
- You don't have
to shout, you know,
I can hear you, I ain't deaf!
Did you just say something?
- Feel pretty good,
nice day ain't it?
- Nice day, ain't it?
- Now that I can
finally hear you,
I find you ain't
got nothing to say.
- And now I can talk normally!
- That's funny, it was
giving me a headache, too.
- [Both] Merry Christmas.
Well, ain't you gonna wish
me a Merry Christmas?
- Thank you for your order.
You'll have your
shipment next week.
And just sign that.
Thank you very much, Miss Jones.
I'm going out to lunch,
that'll be all for the day.
Thank you very much.
- Now here's a question sir from
a school teacher
in our audience.
You do take school
teacher questions?
- Oh, yes.
- Here's one.
She is, she has a
friend, she isn't herself,
but she has a friend
who is quadralingual.
Now what does that
mean, quadralingual?
- I knew a woman once
who was quadralingual.
A lot of people don't
understand this word at all.
This woman spoke
only one language,
but she had four tongues.
When she opened her mouth,
you got sick to your stomach.
- All right, Eliza,
now remember,
the soup goes
on the table first.
("Deck the Halls" on kazoos)
By George, I think she's got it.
- Look, look, I know you
got a classy restaurant,
and I know you've
seen a lot of animal acts,
but this one I tell
you is different?
- Yeah, how?
- I work with a carp.
Here, come here, I'll show you.
- A carp?
- Just stand right over here.
Yeah, I work with a carp.
Here, look at that, huh?
- That's a lot of carp.
- You bet your bird he is.
I've trained him
to hold his breath.
- Oh, that's great.
You really expect
people to come in here
and pay a $3 cover to watch
some creep hole and a carp?
- Hey, what do mean
creep hole and a carp?
This is just not
an ordinary carp!
- Yeah?
- Yeah, this carp
does bird calls!
- [Dan] He does bird calls?
- Watch this, I'll show you.
Come on, sweetheart, we're on.
This is the big time,
now don't let me down.
This could mean it.
All right, now watch this.
(sings a fanfare)
Here's a bobwhite.
(fish whistling)
- That's not bad.
Then what?
- You kidding?
This is a toughy, watch
this, this is a very difficult one.
This is a speckle-throated
barn swallow.
Okay, kid, go.
(fish whistling)
- That's terrific.
What do you do next?
Is that it?
- I'll be right with you,
I'll be right with you.
I have to compliment
him after every call,
otherwise he gets crazy.
You're beautiful,
you're beautiful.
Can you hear me?
You do the next one right,
I'll give you a fin, okay?
- What's he do next?
- Huh?
- What does he do next?
- Next one is going
to be a beauty.
This is the toughest one ever.
This is a real toughy.
This carp now is going
to whistle Ebb Tide
all the way through
while smoking your cigar.
Watch this.
Okay, pussy cat, go ahead.
(fish starts to
whistle, then coughs)
- You mean he's...
- The carp is kaput.
- Aw, that's a
shame, that's too bad.
- No wait, hey, look,
maybe we can make a deal.
- What are you talking
about, make a deal?
You nuts or something?
What am I going to do with
a dead carp in my show?
- Well, maybe you can use
him in your bouillabaisse.
I hate to see him
lay there like a lox.
(audience applauding)
- George, I've had enough.
We've been married for 10 years
and I don't think you
care for me anymore.
We don't have any children,
we don't have any marriage.
All you ever think about
is your auto repair shop.
- That's not true.
I'm going to have
to fix your muffler.
- Hey, Barlow.
- Yeah, Zeke.
- It's coming on spring.
We oughta start planting
something in the ground.
- Yer dead right, Zeke.
Let's start with Grandpa.
He's been laying out
there now for a month.
- I just heard where Hollywood
is going to make a
comedy war movie
about a Jewish
medical unit in Korea.
It's called Moishe.
- Are these bottles
no deposit, no return?
- Well, yes and no.
- Well, what do you mean?
- Well, yes you have
to pay us a deposit,
but no, we don't
let you return them.
- All right, shape up
and be jolly, America.
General Bullwright
saying Season's Greetings
to all you good Americans.
Big day's in two weeks.
We'll be having a
traditional Christmas mess,
cranberries, beans,
turkey, with SOS.
That's stuffing
on a shingle, son.
- Right, Dad, sir.
- Now in the true
yuletide spirit,
my son, U.S., has
written a lot of great songs,
right, U.S.?
- Right, Dad, sir.
- Songs like Frosty
the Snow Trooper,
Jingle Bombs,
that's my favorite.
- And don't forget
my new one, Dad, sir.
Rudolph the Red Nose.
- The Red Nose what?
- The Red knows
everything, so watch it.
- You watch it, boy.
Use of America's and those
good strong hands of yours,
and that's my boy right there.
You going to sing it now?
- No sir, I'm going to
do a Christmas poem.
- A Christmas poem.
- Yes sir.
- Well, good for you.
- Night Before Christmas.
- Go ahead.
Playing that himself, you know.
- Twas the night
before Christmas
And all through the tent
We thanked Melvin Laird
for the money he'd spent
Old Santa had left us
the presents he'd made
Two mortars, a jeep,
an old hand grenade
And I heard him exclaim
as he turned with a jerk
Please call me a cab
My F-111 won't work.
- Beautiful, son,
that's just beautiful.
- Now, Eliza, in order
to learn proper carriage,
you must take this book
and place it firmly on the head.
- Whatever you say, Professor.
- All right.
By George, I think she's got it.
- Mr. Know-it-all, here's a
question from a sports fan,
that is sports fan.
We hear a lot about
Joe Namath's trick knee.
What does that expression
mean, trick knee?
- People are always
looking for something sneaky.
This was very straight.
It means exactly what it says.
Joe's left knee can
do a lot of tricks.
I personally, I personally
have seen it do a somersault.
- No you haven't.
- Oh, I have.
I saw it one night, it went
and fetched the paper.
- It didn't!
- Yes, I have seen it
roll over and play dead.
- That's a trick knee.
- I saw it grab a girl.
- No, no.
That's a trick.
(playful music)
Hey, we want to thank you
for being such a great guest.
- My pleasure, I really
had a good time, thank you.
Listen, before I say goodnight,
is Mad Dog Chisolm, the
prop man, around anywhere?
- I don't think so, why?
- Well, in that
case, I'd like to tell
everybody where I'm going
to be working next week.
- Great, where are
you going to be?
- I'm going to be in Colorado.
- Oh, in Denver?
- No, Boulder.
- [Dan And Dick] Boulder.
- That crazy person
almost killed me!
- Listen, you want see something
that will really kill you,
tune in (inaudible) week
from tonight when
you're going to be thrilled
by what you see, take a look.
With our guests Howard Cosell,
Alex Karras, Kent
McCord and Martin Milner,
and Vin Scully.
So it's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Well, as long as
you did mention it,
who pulled Santa's
sleigh, has a funny nose,
and chases Theda
Bara across the desert?
- Who, pray tell?
- Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Valentino.
- [Dan And Steve]
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick!
Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, everybody,
happy holidays!
- Goodnight.
- Art Carney.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick!
- You're supposed
to say it, too!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Not to mention Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- I told you not
to mention Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Howard.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(playful music)
(woman laughing)