Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 9 - Episode #5.9 - full transcript
- Mr. Robinson,
besides being a fine actor
you're also an expert
on Art aren't you?
- Yes I am.
And you know, your face
reminds me of a Da Vinci.
- Oooh, you mean his MonaLiza?
- No his brother Jusepi.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- I know I should
have brought him.
- I live in a really
swinging apartment house.
The rules of the
building were handed
to me in a plain brown wrapper.
- Felix the cat,
these are your lives.
- This is Jill Saint John, your
Burbank beauty consultant.
Girls, if you wanna get rid of
laugh lines around the mouth,
then you're certainly
watching the right show.
- I'm very sorry sir, we
cannot admit you without a tie.
Ah right this way please sir.
(audience laughs)
Right over there please.
- Thank you.
(glass shatters)
- Aw you'll get used to that.
Alright now darling,
remember, we
haven't got much time
we can't keep it waiting
in the reception ah ah.
- Whiskey.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How's your family?
- Aw mind your own business.
- Oh hello.
- Yes ma'am may I help you?
- Aw yes, I'd like
something in a hip huggers.
- Certainly this way.
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Vice president T'ing off,
do the red cross.
- Listen I'll get
some champagne.
Oh, when my wife
gets here be nice to her.
It's our anniversary.
- Who are you?
- The second fastest
gun in the west.
- Shelley, as my
oldest son, daughter,
and as your father,
I think it's about time
I told you about the
birds and the bees.
- Would you hurry
up please Mr. Jones?
- [Man] Okay Mark
Marker, this is the police,
come out with your hands up.
- Oh yeah you dirty coppers.
(glass shatters)
Take that.
(gun fires)
- [Man] Alright, if
you're not coming out,
we're coming in.
- Jeep those
creepers are coming in.
I better get this
place straightened up.
(audience laughs)
- Well Ethin this
is it, it's almost time
to walk the last mile, is
there anything I can do for ya?
- Yeah, I'd like
to see a chaplain.
- Chaplain.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen
tonight we are delighted
to have that bubbling,
bouncing bombshell.
- Miss Liza Minnelli.
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
- Wii, ha ha.
How are you two?
Woo oh, I'm so
excited to be here.
I'm so excited.
- Wo!
Boy I told you she was a
bombshell like you said.
- Yeah well that's what
you called for right?
- That's right but you
know sometimes we need
a little dramatic
ability too you know.
Not just bubbly bouncy, a
little dramatic, how about that?
- Dramatic?
- Dramatic.
- Listen, you two
timing four flusher,
when you left me
and the two kids
for that blonde thing north,
you walked out
of my life forever.
Forever do you hear.
How is that? Good?
- She's very convincing.
- I was ready to pay alimony.
(audience laughs)
- Of course you
may have to sing.
- Oh.
Hey look me over lend me an ear
Fresh outta Clover
- Hey that's wilder.
Can you tell jokes though?
- I once tried to write
a song about drinking,
but I couldn't get
past the first two bars.
(laughter)
- Kind of a batch
of the punchlines.
(laughter)
How about dancing?
You can dance can't you?
- Aww, yeah.
- Hey that's great.
Wait a minute,
where are you going?
- I'm leaving.
- What do you
mean you're leaving?
Aren't you gonna do the show?
- Do it? I just did it!
(audience applause)
- And now from a
beautiful downtown
Burbank boutique and car wash
NBC the nameless but
conspicuous network
stands fearlessly behind
it's legal department
and ignores Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
starring the
inimitable Dan Rowan
and the inevitable Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Liza Minnelli and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues and Lily
Tomlin, with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Barbara Sharma,
Larry Hovis, Richard Dawson
and me I'm Gary Owens
with a word for
all you pallbearers,
carry on but first this
important for Ela Martin.
- I am a professional
exterminator
and I heartily recommend
new blaid for killing bugs.
I'll show you how it works.
There's a creepy little crawler
running across that table.
Watch this.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
a few years ago I appeared
in a motion picture
called the Sterile Cookoo
and tonight, I'm
appearing with two more.
Here they are,
Sterile and Cookoo.
(audience applause)
- Woa!
- Animals, wild
beasts, wild animals.
Thank you very much, good
evening ladies and gentlemen.
- Hey I'll bet you 10 bucks
we got a great show tonight.
- Of course we had
a great show tonight.
- Ah that's 10 you owe me and
now what do you wanna bet on?
- I don't wanna bet on anything.
- How about a little poker.
Here I'll play these
what do you have?
- I don't have anything.
- Woa, how about that, I
win with a pair of threes,
look at that.
- That's nonsense.
- It may be so but it's
good enough to beat you.
- Wait a minute, what is this
sudden interest in gambling?
- Well it started last night.
I was holding six aces.
- Six aces, you were,
boy a hand like that
will get you in
a lot of trouble.
- Not kidding.
You know that the guy
next to me had seven kings?
- It's impossible to
have seven kings.
- I know.
I thought he was bluffing too.
Wait a minute folks.
- Wait a minute folks.
Give us a chance.
That's the dumbest
joke I ever heard.
One more chance.
Now do you know
anything about poker?
- Oh sure.
- What's the best hand in poker?
- Well it's generally
the left one,
the one holding the card.
- Alright folks, meet
you in the parking lot.
Do you know what's
better than two pair?
- Well now there's
nothing better than two pair.
Anyone with two pair has
got a show business career
you wouldn't believe.
- I knew you'd, I knew you
would go for it, you are...
- Or a pair and a half.
- Wait a minute.
You know, your being a
gambler is the dumbest thing
in the world.
- Wrong.
Now the dumbest
thing in the world
is expecting the desk clerk
to believe the topless
dancer you're checking in with
is your cousin
Berk from Buffalo.
- Now that's a gamble.
- I know, I said it's
10 to one I'll get her in
and the desk clerk said "I
don't care what time it is,
"you and Berk, get outta here
"that's not this kind of hotel."
(bright music)
- The value of the dollar
has gone down so much
that the new bills
have a picture
of George Washington
trying to borrow a dollar.
(bright music)
- Our wedding night
was just so exciting,
full of passion and
hugging and kissing
and tearing my clothes.
By the time we got to the
hotel we were exhausted.
(bright music)
- Hey gang I didn't
realize how fat I was
until I was standing
on the corner,
wearing a red white
and blue sweater
and a woman came along and
dropped a letter in my mouth.
(bright music)
- Senator, are you
afraid the 18 year olds
will use their vote foolishly?
- Of course not.
I'm afraid they'll
use it intelligently.
(bright music)
(laughs)
- Oh you know I
haven't worked in weeks.
This unemployment situation
has kept me flat on my feet.
(bright music)
- I understand that because
of the space program
there just hasn't
been enough money
to improve the living conditions
of the Indian.
- True, but that was
many moon trips ago.
(bright music)
- I was supposed to
get up early this morning
and do a story on
the evils of marijuana.
But I had such a hangover,
I couldn't get out of bed.
(bright music)
- Dick, if I let you kiss
me on our first date,
would you respect me?
- No I won't, you'll have
to do a whole lot better
than that.
(bright music)
- The results of the
South Vietnamese
presidential election were
very easy to predict, boy.
Even before it started the
score was two to nothing.
(bright music)
- Wowzy woozy wow.
I went to the artists and
models' ball last week
and kids, they had a
contest for the best costume
and the prize for the
winner, was the runner up.
(bright music)
- Hey you know I've
been thinking about buying
an expensive see through blouse.
- Well it seems a
shame to spend so much
for so little (laughs).
- I recently drove from
New York to Los Angeles,
that's about three
thousand miles
and I only had four accidents,
which isn't bad,
considering I drive on the left.
(bright music)
- There's a new car coming out.
With a rotary engine.
It still pollutes the air,
but with smoke rings.
(bright music)
- This invention sent along
by G. Bernard
Holtman of Los Angeles,
if you cross a fly
with an elephant,
you'll get a zipper
that never forgets.
(audience laughs)
- Simor I'm bored.
Our life is dull and I'm
gonna do something about it.
- Ah!
What did you have in mind?
- I want a chance to live.
- Ah!
- So I've decided to run
off with Waldo the midget.
- Waldo the midget, but why?
- Because with Waldo the
midget I can make it to the top.
- What woa!
What's Waldo the midget
got that I haven't got?
- What?
- What's Waldo the midget
got that I haven't got?
- Stature.
He's the big man in this circus.
- Well I won't let you do it.
I'm not gonna let you
run away with him.
- How can you stop me?
- Well I'll stand in your way.
- Oh Simor you're so dumb.
Boy you're dumb, dumb dumb.
- Ah!
- Waldo!
- That's Waldo the midget?
- I told you he was the
big man in this circus.
- Get it over with
so we can be alone.
- Alright.
But I have to be very careful
to make it look
like an accident.
So I've decided to use
some of that poison whiskey.
Waldo!
Simor!
- Ah!
- Rats.
- And remember this,
C-H-A-I-N are chain letters.
- There are more
old jokes here tonight
than at the senior citizens'
wife swapping party.
- Son, son.
Where are you going?
- This life is too
exciting for me,
I want something duller,
so I'm running away from
the circus to join a home.
- Good riddance.
- Oh son.
- Charlotte, if we win this war,
all the help will
sing and dance.
- What if we loose?
- I'll learn to play the banjo.
Du da, du da.
- Mr. Robinson, baby.
- Yeah.
- Don't you think there's
entirely too much nudity
in Hollywood today?
- Yes indeed Johnny.
I wouldn't be surprised
if the Academy Award
for Costuming this year
is going to be won
by a hair dresser.
- Certainly.
- ELisa, have you
read that book uh,
Everything You've
Wanted to Know About Sex
but Have Been Afraid to Ask?
- Yes but it certainly
doesn't apply to my boyfriend.
- You mean he's not sexy?
- No, he's not afraid to ask.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Ralph, what is
the worst consequence
that anyone has ever had to
pay on truth or consequences?
- I'm doing it now.
- I think the church is
going a little overboard.
The other day I got a
letter saying I would now
be known as Jill Mr. John.
- Hi.
- Hi (laughs).
Oh uh, I'd like to send this
package to Joe Namath.
- Oh well that will
be a dollar please.
Thank you.
- Ah ah! I just love
Alan Sues(mumbles).
- Children, come in and
say goodnight to your father.
(drum music)
Goodnight children.
- Goodnight boys.
- Goodnight Dave.
Brush your teeth.
- Bye bye, goodnight.
- Bye bye goodnight
Geanie (mumbles)
- Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight.
(mumbles)
Goodnight girls.
Wash your legs.
- You and Johnny (mumbles)
- Wash your face.
- Wash the middle.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight everyone.
Goodnight Karen.
- Hi Bob, how's it going?
Nice to see you.
Woa!
Oh I remember, goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Why couldn't we be like
the Partridge family next door
and just have a small combo?
(bright music)
- Tonight it's Mod
World time again
and tonight we're gonna...
- Hi there friend,
today is your lucky day.
- Well up till now it was.
What are you doing?
- Well, I happen to be a door-
to-door cannonball salesman.
- Why cannonballs?
- Well I used to
sell something else
but I hated making
the deliveries.
- What was it?
- Hawks.
- Hawks.
- They go right for the eyes.
- I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of a nut
would buy a cannonball?
- A nut with an empty cannon.
- How do you go about
selling one of those things?
- Well I use two
basic approaches.
First is the indirect approach.
- I'd like to see it.
I'll tell you what, I'll pretend
that I'm the customer,
let's see your
indirect approach.
- You're the customer?
- I'm the customer.
- I'm the sales man -
You're the sales man.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- How do you do sir...
- Aren't you gonna knock
on the door or anything?
You just walk up to me
on the street without...
- Oh excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Knock knock knock.
- Hello.
- Hi, you didn't open the door.
- Oh (laughs).
- I got ya.
- Okay now just let's
hear the approach.
- Okay, okay.
How do you do sir?
- How do you do?
- For $5,000 who was
the first man to climb
to the top of the Houston
Symphony Orchestra?
You have exactly 10 seconds,
and while you're
thinking about it,
you wanna pay me for that
cannonball you ordered?
- I never ordered a cannonball.
- Lucky for you I happened by.
Why it usually takes
three weeks to deliver one,
look at the time I saved you.
- You're never gonna
get me to buy anything
using an approach like that.
- No?
- No.
- Well how about this.
Excuse me sir, the
British are coming,
the British are coming.
- The British are not coming.
- Of course not because
they know you'd shoot em
with your cannonball.
- I don't have a cannonball.
- Lucky for you I happened by.
You can get these in
three weeks you know.
- Wait a minute why
don't you give it up,
you're never gonna
sell one of those things.
- Are you kidding,
I'm tied for first place
with the company's leading
cannonball salesman.
- Really.
- Sure he hasn't
sold any either.
- I see.
This really has to be the
dumbest thing you've ever tried.
How could you
possibly waste your time
trying to sell something
that's as obsolete and useless.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming.
I don't even have a cannonball.
- Oh boy.
- Where can I get a cannonball?
- Lucky for you I happened by.
Usually it takes three weeks.
(audience laughs)
(slow music)
We're a family
that sings together
And clings together
Does things together
A happy household
that brings together
The joys of family life
Maybe sometimes
we hurt each other
When dad hits mother
And sist kicks brother
But we don't really
hate one another
So Sissy put down the knife
Oh he is always a little drunkie
And he's a bit of
a bitter home maid
Sister Marie is a closet junkie
Grandpa puts gin in his lemonade
We're a family
that prays together
And plays together
For days together
It's just amazing
it stays together
But that's the way it should be
We're an all American family
- Charles - What do you want?
- I really think
it's time that junior
got his own bed.
- Well, I don't know.
- Oh goodie, my
own bed (laughs).
- Hey, I know an usher
who looked up his family tree
and discovered he
came from a long line
in front of the theater.
- A family that stays together
probably has only one car.
- Just look at this report card.
A in sewing.
B+ in home economics.
A in dress design.
An A+ in creative dance.
- I don't wanna shake
you up honey but,
I think we're gonna have
a little problem with Marvin.
- You know I knew a kid
who was 12 and had to go out
and get a job to
support his family.
Of course it's his own fault.
I mean he never
shoulda gotten married.
- Because of co-ed dormitories,
college youngstas
pay more attention
during their school days.
Their nights are too valuable
to spend studying.
- This is the last
will and testament
of the late John Philips.
To my loving wife Margaret,
who served me my
delicious last meal
about an hour before I
took this turn for the worst,
I leave my entire
estate of $500 million.
However in the
event that something
should happen to my wife,
my entire fortune
shall go to my loving
quick witted daughter Alice.
However in the
event that my daughter
isn't quick witted enough,
my estate shall go to my
strong and ruthless son Bill.
However if my son
should fail to survive,
all my money and holdings
shall go to my trusted lawyer,
Ed Bookstrag.
However, if anything
should happen to my lawyer,
everything I own
will go to the church.
- [God] Thank you.
- My wife sits patiently and
listens to all my troubles.
She just loves being
the topic of conversation.
- My marriage counselor
solved all my family problems.
He ran away with my wife.
- The nice thing
about a large family
with only one bathroom is
you get to see each other
a lot more often.
- Liza.
- Yes what?
- Do you approve of nudity?
- Certainly.
How can you take
a shower without it?
- Children, you should honor
your father and your mother.
After all they're the people
that hang around the house
on the babysitter's day off.
- A husband likes to come
home and find his wife
in the kitchen
and the kids out playing around.
I come home and find
the kids in the kitchen.
That calls for a little, hmmm.
- Tonight's performance
was a shamble.
- [Companion] I know.
- We're the best
jugglers in the business
and we should do better.
- [Companion] You're right.
- Tomorrow morning at nine
we're going to have a rehearsal.
Alright alright.
Right now let's eat.
- Let's eat.
- Okay.
- Wanna pass the salad?
(mumbles)
- I know one couple who
lived in a mobile home.
And the kids drove
them so crazy,
one day they just
drove off without em.
It was the first time a home
ever ran away from the kids.
- Good morning governor.
- Good morning dear.
- [Son] Morning dad.
- My fellow Americans,
I wanna thank
each and every one of you
for making this
breakfast possible.
Yes young man.
- Dad, can I use
the car tonight?
- I will have a later statement
on the transportation issue.
Next.
- Governor, I want a raise.
- My balance budget
at this very moment
is being threatened
by similar demands
by the gardener and
the chauffeaur, I'm sorry.
Yes madam.
- Darling, I've been
thinking it's time for us
to have another baby.
- Excellent idea.
Let's see, the
election's in November.
We'll caucus right after
the Jefferson-Jackson day
fundraising dinner in February.
I believe my time is up.
- [Everyone] Thank
you Mr. Governor.
- Thank you all,
have a pleasant day.
(audience laughs)
- I know one family that
practices population control.
The mafia.
- Look at me darling.
You'll never see
me like this again.
- Oh Brad, it's so
noble of you to go off
and fight and die
for your country.
- Fight and die, are you nuts?
I'm going to Atlanta
for a nose job.
- Sir, what do you
think about people
living together without
getting married?
- I think it's terrible.
It destroys the family unit.
The way I look at it,
marriage is everything.
As far as I'm concerned,
the most important thing
in the world is marriage.
- Thank you sir.
And what is your occupation?
- I am a divorce lawyer.
- I wonder what would
happen if grown ups
talk to each other the
way they talk to us kids?
- Hello we're here.
- Well for crying out loud
will you wipe your feet?
What do you think
this is, a pig pen?
- And please shut the door,
where were you born in, a barn?
- Woa.
- Alright now dinner's
ready so why don't you get up
to the table immediately uhn.
- Oh em, but I...
- But what. What?
No buts.
What I have to say
everything twice, sit down.
Wait a minute, let
me see those hands.
Aw, can you just go in
there and wash them alright?
And this time will
you use some soap.
- And you young
man sit up straight
and get those
elbows off the table.
- I think you're gonna
like the strogannuf.
- I really don't
like strongannuf.
- You'll eat what's
put in front of you.
What do you think we're
running, a restaurant?
- There are people
starving in Europe.
- We're not made out
of money you know.
Now no more back talk young man.
Drink that martinee
it's good for you.
- I really don't...
- I'm going to count to three.
One, two, ooh!
- Oh no, I just washed it.
I polished it, I washed it.
- One more stunt like
that and you're gonna
be in bed so fast it will
make your head spin.
- Wait a minute, come here.
Let me see behind the ears.
Oh, just get right back
in there and scrub them.
- You know I'm just...
- She did at home just before.
- I see one of them lies
and the other one
swears to it, okay.
The two of you leave
the table right away
into that den.
And I don't want to
hear another peep
out of either one of you.
There will be no
television tonight.
Now get in there.
Find us a relative in a jam
Oh we'll hide him out
when he's on the lamb
He'll be just fine
because we give a darn
The all American family
- Oh Liza.
- Yes.
- Liza why don't you come
on Laugh In and be a regular?
- And give up show business?
- Eddie are you really as tough
as you appear in the movies?
- I think you know, actually
I'm a very gentleman.
But because I play the
tough guy in the movies,
people try to pick
fights with me.
- No kidding.
What did you do?
- Well now what could I do?
I ran over them with my car.
- My boyfriend wants
me to marry him
and move into his penthouse.
But not necessarily
in that order.
- I was going to do the
life story of Georgie Jesse.
- Well why didn't you?
- The child labor
laws wouldn't allow us
to have some of
his wives on the set.
- How can you tell a good
diamond from a bad diamond?
- Oh it's easy.
If a very rich man gives me a
diamond, it's a good diamond.
- Hmm.
- If he gives it to
someone else, it's bad.
- Hi.
- Hi, it's ticking what is this?
- Well it's a time bomb
and it's set to go off
in three hours.
In that case we
better send it air mail.
- Ah ah ah, I just
love Alan Sues.
(upbeat music)
Listen Liza if I may,
I'd like to say the 70s
are really turning out
To be a bore
I mean they're really
crummy, really crummy
Barbra sweetie, I agree
We ought to rush the 70s
Just wrap them up and
throw em out the door
They're truly rotten
Let's go back when skies
were bright and clearer
And try to find a
really kinda kicky era
Let's get together
and single handedly
Bring back the 30s
That fun and fancy a
song and dance to it
Tali at a tali at a time
Dump the troubles
And wear pajamas
And be very naugties
When Ruby Keeler would
dance for only a da di a da
Da di a time Things
were tough then
But what the heck
we stuck together
Things were rough then
Forgotten men were happy codgers
With Fred Astaire
And Ginger Rogers
And the world was
cherry a wall exterior
Bring back the 30s
Let's stop recalling
that fabulous time
The continental, the karioka
Lets bring back the 30s
That grim but happier,
that chit chat jappier
Yeah Time Days were trickier
Girls go jiggery
Bring back the 30s
Miss dimple Temply
Yeah Shirley's simply sublime
She was a really cute kid
Downtown Burbank,
what she could have been
In four less long year
Downtown Broadway
where redlines formed
And people sat at home
But those blondes
were solid platinum
Once again il a, Joe
Fondelier, bring back the 30s
Lets stop recalling a
fabulous ti il a ti il a time
Rob a river That's the beat
We went down on 42nd street
Let's stop recalling a
fabulous ta il a ta il a time
How can anyone forget
That's driving miss jornet
Let's stop recalling
a fabulous time
Ta il la ta il a time
- Alright scout, give
me your money?
- Why are you stealing my money?
- Because I am Robbin Hood.
I rob from the rich
and I give to the poor.
- Well but now I don't
have any money anymore.
- Well in that case, take that.
- Thanks.
- Call me a jerk or I'll
punch you in the mouth.
- What?
- I said call me a jerk or
I'll punch you in the mouth.
- Okay.
You're a jerk.
- Yo witz, nobody
calls me a jerk
and gets away with it.
- Hey Liza baby, you
know I just enrolled
in a body building course.
- Enrolled in it.
- Hmm hm.
- Looks like you swallowed it.
- So Jack how are you
enjoying the new job?
- Why don't you
sit down I'll tell ya.
- Okay.
- Yeah it's great.
- Yeah oh.
- Sure.
- Good Kenny don't you
miss the whole Vanuval.
- Nah, I think what's
past ought to be past.
It's time for me to settle down.
Hey by the way your
new glasses are ready.
- Oh good.
- There you go.
- Woa woa!
- Must be a pleaser.
- [Man] What do you think.
- I can see by your palms that
you are a very unusual man.
- So this is what
you call a night out
with the boys.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what, last
night I stayed up very late.
And mama said it
isn't good for you.
She said if you
get plenty of rest,
you will grow up
to be a beautiful girl.
I told that to Jo Jo Phillips.
And now he's
afraid to go to sleep
and that's the truth.
- Anybody who thinks that
blood is thicker than water
hasn't seen lake Eerie lately.
- Honey, why are you leaving?
- I'll tell ya.
Because I have to fight
to preserve our plantation.
Our Magnolia trees
and our way of life.
- You walk out that
door and they'll kill you.
- Why?
- Because 10 years ago
we moved to Chicago.
- Slipped my mind.
- When two guys used
to co-star in a movie,
they used to be friendly,
now they get married.
Missed a lot didn't I.
- Do you really like the
men here in Burbank Louisa?
- Well, I'm new here and you
don't make friends overnight.
- You are new here aren't you?
- I just came back from Sweden
where I saw their version
of a man and a woman.
- Is it any different from
the ones shown here?
- Yes.
In their movie both roles were
played by the same person.
- I think enough romance
will keep any wife young.
Unfortunately, it will
keep any husband old.
- Oh!
- Ah!
- Oh Great Scott why
are you doing this?
Oh no don't.
- Well I happen to be a
big Hollywood producer
and my leading
lady just walked out
on the biggest
musical of the year
and nobody can sing like her.
Be my love - That's great.
The part is yours.
- I'm a star.
I'm a hit.
- Ah!
- I'm a maid.
- Hey.
- Get! Oh oh you startled me.
Oh, don't ever do that again.
What's new?
- They finally got Rats Malone,
they nailed him for
running a numbers game.
- Numbers game uhn?
This is good work.
- Yeah they booked him on a 704.
- 704.
You know that'd be a
good number to play
the numbers with.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'd like to send this
package as a surprise
birthday present.
- Oh I love surprises.
- Ah! I just love Alan Sues.
Ah!
- It's dead.
- Oh no.
- My uncle is always
putting people down.
- Oh he's a bigot?
- No, he's a mortician.
- My knees are loose,
my hips are limber,
I'm Sarah the swinger
so just yell timber.
- Can I help you lady?
- I doubt it.
I think you better
trot out Paul Bunion.
- Paul Bunion's a legend.
- So am I sonny.
And I came up here to prove it
in the great north
woods to frolic
among those wonderful
giants of nature.
- You mean the red woods.
- No, the lumberjacks dummy.
- You swing an axe?
- I'll swing a moose
if it will get me the job.
- Do you know what it's gonna
be like to be the only lady...
- Uhn?
- Do you know what
it's gonna be like
to be the only lady
in a lumber camp?
- You bet your buzz saw sonny.
- Well I don't think
you understand,
there's nothing to do
except maybe go out of town
on Saturday night.
- With me around we'll go
to town every night, whoopie!
Hey sonny, how long
have you been up here
without a woman?
- 12 months.
- What are you doing
the rest of the week?
I'm Sarah the swinger,
look out for my tail,
beware of my finger,
I am hitting the trail.
- Go on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh be careful with this it's
a very valuable Ming vase.
- Oh.
- How long will it
take to get to England?
- About 10 days.
- Oh no I'm gonna
be worried sick about it
till it gets there.
- Your worries are over.
- Ah, I just love Alan Sues.
- Tell me Eddie, what
do you think of nudity
on the screen?
- Oh I hated that.
I can't stand seeing that
many people rolling around
without shoulder
holsters, absolutely wrong.
- The problem with
my single's apartment
is that there's no
sound proofing.
It's almost impossible
to go to sleep
with your ears
stuck to the wall.
- My uncle drinks 10 vodkas
and carrot juice everyday.
He sees everything
double but, very clearly.
- I knew one poor
actress who lost 10 pounds
in a single day.
Her silicone was repossessed.
- I've got to go now Charlotte.
But I promise you I'll be back.
- Brad you shocking
and jiving me?
I mean how do you
know you'll be back?
- Cause I'm gonna hide in
the cellar till this war is over.
- This was really
terrific being here.
- Oh we think it was terrific
too to have you on the show.
You know we're gonna do our best
to see that you really enjoy
yourself for the next hour.
- And even after if
it can be worked out.
- I beg your pardon miss Liza.
- Would you stop that.
- I couldn't help but
notice there was a thread
hanging from miss
Mozzarelli's gown.
- It's miss Minnelli.
- Okay sir, I could
just get this...
- Watch what you're doing.
Hawing, Hawking,
come on you're ruining
miss Minnelli's skirt.
- Oh, badly ruined.
You see sir it's the
thread sir, I hate,
well look sir, here's
a thread here.
- Leave that alone.
- Oh I can see em sir.
- Well now look.
- Oh oh ha, well
please don't get upset.
Oh look I have a
needle here, ever ready.
- Oh sure, just leave it alone.
- A bit of thread sir and I'll,
there, there's a
piece of thread.
Please don't worry
sir, I shall fix it.
I have me needle here
and a pin long high hay
mat with a high open needle.
All you red heads,
blonde, brunettes
Girls who want to be rockets
Here is what you gotta say
Seven lousy shows a day
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
we'll call news, news
We just love to
give you our news
Da da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at the
Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at the
Ladies and gents Laugh
In looks at the news
Visit again
- [Announcer] And now it's
time for the Laugh In news
with George Wallace
who's all white,
Jack Benny who's real tight,
William Buckley who's all right
and Howard Hughes, out of sight.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- And somewhere
in Burbank presently,
here is Dick with the
news of the present.
- Detroit.
In an effort to
increase interest
in the halftime activities
of football games,
the NFL last week
presented the Pokatela
all nude marching band.
When the game was finally
completed, two days later,
the final tally was
Rams 14, Lions 7
and Drum Majoretts 112.
That was a close game wasn't it?
- [Dan] Yes it was.
- Los Angeles, California.
The planned women's
liberation motorcade
down Hollywood Boulevard
failed to materialize today
when the entire 454 ladies
hopped into their cars,
started their engines
and backed into
each other (laughs).
I wish I'd had been there.
The Pentagon today announced
the aircraft carrier, Hornet,
was, as they have picked
up the Mermaid that is.
- [Dan] The Hornet
picked up the Mermaid.
- The Hornet picked
up the Mermaid.
She is now undergoing
tests to determine the effects
of having spent 23
years in ocean water.
Three and a half
months on the Hornet
and a fantastic
weekend at the Pentagon.
(laughs)
And now, for news of
the future, here's Dan.
- I always thought there
was something fishy
at the Pentagon.
Here's the news of the
future 20 years from now.
People have long
complained about the oil slicks
and the oil sippage
off the Western coast
of the United States.
Problem was ended
last night by a life guard
in Santa Monica, who
got careless with a match
and burned down
the Pacific ocean.
News of the future
20 years from now.
Scientists who have been
experimenting with Marijuana
for the past 20 years,
emerged from their laboratory
with two important conclusions.
First they say, Marijuana
is completely harmless
and second they say,
the moon is trying to kill us.
I heard a fella
say that one time.
News of the future
100 years from now.
Former sex queen Raquel
Welch was reincarnated today.
Came back in the form
of a chihuahua, who's feet
cannot touch the ground.
- And now for the
young point of view,
we take you to a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
For Moosie Dryer,
kid news for kids.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Last Saturday we
played, hide and go seek.
Butchie hid in
Mr. Oreily's station wagon.
And we couldn't find him.
Maybe we'd never find him.
Cause it wasn't
Mr. Oreily's station wagon.
It belonged to some
man that was driving
to Salt Lake city.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- The rising cost of
automobile insurance
has prompted many states
to look into the feasibility
of no fault insurance.
Here to explain this
concept is Eric clarifier.
- Right.
The basic premise
of no fault insurance
is that no matter
who is at fault,
it doesn't matter
who's fault it was.
Now although there are
some people who feel
there are many
faults in no fault,
while others fault
the fault concept.
I may not have all the
facts but that's not my fault.
- And now for the
British point of view,
we take you to
our man in London.
- Hallo.
I say here we are
at the lavish estate
of Sir Basel Beasley,
one of England's
foremost white hunters.
Mr. Huggins, you
accompanied Sir Basel
on his recent safari
to Africa, how did it go?
- It went very badly madam.
We did not see a
single wild animal,
for the first three months.
- Well that's terrible.
What did you do?
- Well we finally
decided to leave London
and go to Africa.
- I'm sure that you
found something there.
- Oh that we did ma'am.
We found a small native village.
Undersized I might
add, being terrorized
by a man eating lion.
- What happened?
- I didn't startle you did I?
Oh well I'll tell you
what happened.
His lordship being the
sporting jet that he was,
he promised the
people of that village,
they would never be terrorized
by the aforementioned
man eating lion again.
- Johnny Huggins thinks
he destroyed the lion.
- Oh no, he
destroyed the village.
- Why, busy buzzy
babbling around tinsel town
and get this latest
Hollywood flash.
Today casting began
at national studios
for the lead role in
the Mama Cass story.
39 actresses
showed up to audition
and all were given the part.
Ha ha ha ha.
Don Taw from Toby
town, kissy kissy.
- Now to compare the
wages of our police force
with various policemen
all over the world,
we take you to Canada.
- Sir.
- Yes.
- What does a man
who has been riding
with the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police for five years get?
- A royal pain in the...
- And that's the way it is this
morning, October 29th 1603.
La da di da Ladies and gentlemen
We hope you've heard news - Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh I'd like to send that
to my uncle in New York.
- Oh, that will
be three dollars.
- Three dollars?
I've only got, I've
only got two dollars.
- Oh, well give
me the two dollars
and tell your uncle to
pick it up in Chicago.
- Oh, the walk will do him good.
I just love Alan Sues.
- The first time I tried
my hand at painting
I didn't like it.
The next time I used a brush.
- My boyfriend and I
played strip poker last night.
- Well who won?
- We both did.
- Have you read Any Woman Can?
- No, I just couldn't.
- A word of caution
girls, don't burn your bras
unless you have
something to show for it.
- Charlotte, I have to leave now
and march off to Richmond
and do battle with the enemy
to preserve the
heritage of the South.
But I pledge when
the final battle is over,
and the final bullet is fired,
I will come back to you.
- When you do, will you
pick me up a hamburger
and order French fries.
- Hi.
Oh I'm sorry.
- Oh that's okay.
You're wonderful.
Oh, oh I see this is
going to Timothy Leary.
- Yeah that's right.
- That will be two
dollars please.
- Hmmm.
- Pentagon press conference.
Cuba Denials.
- Hey is there a doctor here,
there's been an accident.
- Yes yes, I'm a doctor.
What's going on here, that
could cause an accident.
Yes I'm a doctor
what can I do for ya?
You're a mute,
well congratulations.
Yes yes, let me think.
Ah, well either my
watch has stopped
or this girl's passed on
to the big cloud in the sky.
I can see you in April, you
come and see me in March.
You avoid health food.
Stay out of the sun.
On second thought,
you stay out of the sun,
you avoid health foods,
and have I got a girl for you.
- Oh Brad, in just
a few short hours,
you'll be right in
the sick of the fight.
Brother against brother,
father against son,
cousin against cousin.
- Now don't tell me about it,
you're the one who
wanted a family reunion.
- Permission to take a,
grab a ball to me room sir?
- Excuse me sir, you
dropped your wallet.
- Keep your hands off my wallet.
- Hi.
- Oh, how much
will this cost please,
first class to New York?
- That will be three dollars.
- Well that's too expensive.
What about third class?
- Uhh, 50 cents.
- Oh, okay, I'll take it.
- Hey anybody in this
place going to New York?
- I am.
- Oh well then you can take it.
- Alright.
- Mr. Robinson, when you
were playing the tough guys
in the movies, why did
you always smoke a cigar?
- Well I tried to smoke my nose,
but I couldn't get
the end to stay there.
- Last night my boyfriend
suggested a moonlight swim.
- Aww a moonlight swim is great.
- In the bathtub?
- Many many years ago when
I first started in show business,
I learned the one rule
that every performer
must adhere to if he
intends to succeed.
- What's that Ralph?
- Never brush your
teeth with a brick.
(laughter)
- I may not see you
when this war is over.
- I know Brad but
we must be brave.
- Goodbye Charlotte.
- Goodbye Brad.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Don't forget I'll see you
all at the Palm Del Air show.
- What's that all about?
- Oh I'll be appearing
there all day Saturday.
- At the Palm De,
what are you gonna do?
- Well I'm gonna jump
out of an aeroplane
at 15,000 feet
without a parachute
and land in the swimming pool.
- Well what if you miss?
- I'll go up and try it again.
I'll be there all day.
- That's Saturday folks.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey Dan, what
lives high in the Andes,
is horrible to look at
and steals garbage?
- I don't know.
- The abominable snow pig.
- Oh oh.
- Oh Barbra.
- Yesy boo.
- Did you see the
eclipse last night?
- No, it was so dark
I couldn't see a thing.
- I had a better woman.
- Hey Liza.
- What?
- You know I trained my
gold fish to float on his back.
- Oh, how did you do that?
- I starved him to death.
- That's what I thought.
- Your belief in
astrology will never work.
- Why not Larry?
- It just isn't in the star.
- Ah ah.
- Yo yo, I hear there's going
to be a new television series
written by the son of the man
who invented
silicone injections.
- What is it called?
- Father knows bust.
- Hey my girlfriend is so fat.
- [Man] Yeah.
- If she wanted to be
a playboy center fold,
she'd have to loose 5 pages.
- Kids, I know a very rich
little boy whose parents
were so formal,
they were so formal...
- [Person] So what?
- Oh stop it.
They bought him a Theodore bear.
- So formal.
Hey Liza, do you
think the Fal Fishers
will ever be able to
drive loose women
out of the cities?
- Sure, I saw the mayor
driving two down
the street last night.
- This program was pre-recorded
because the cast spends
every Monday night
at group therapy.
(upbeat music)
besides being a fine actor
you're also an expert
on Art aren't you?
- Yes I am.
And you know, your face
reminds me of a Da Vinci.
- Oooh, you mean his MonaLiza?
- No his brother Jusepi.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- I know I should
have brought him.
- I live in a really
swinging apartment house.
The rules of the
building were handed
to me in a plain brown wrapper.
- Felix the cat,
these are your lives.
- This is Jill Saint John, your
Burbank beauty consultant.
Girls, if you wanna get rid of
laugh lines around the mouth,
then you're certainly
watching the right show.
- I'm very sorry sir, we
cannot admit you without a tie.
Ah right this way please sir.
(audience laughs)
Right over there please.
- Thank you.
(glass shatters)
- Aw you'll get used to that.
Alright now darling,
remember, we
haven't got much time
we can't keep it waiting
in the reception ah ah.
- Whiskey.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How's your family?
- Aw mind your own business.
- Oh hello.
- Yes ma'am may I help you?
- Aw yes, I'd like
something in a hip huggers.
- Certainly this way.
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Vice president T'ing off,
do the red cross.
- Listen I'll get
some champagne.
Oh, when my wife
gets here be nice to her.
It's our anniversary.
- Who are you?
- The second fastest
gun in the west.
- Shelley, as my
oldest son, daughter,
and as your father,
I think it's about time
I told you about the
birds and the bees.
- Would you hurry
up please Mr. Jones?
- [Man] Okay Mark
Marker, this is the police,
come out with your hands up.
- Oh yeah you dirty coppers.
(glass shatters)
Take that.
(gun fires)
- [Man] Alright, if
you're not coming out,
we're coming in.
- Jeep those
creepers are coming in.
I better get this
place straightened up.
(audience laughs)
- Well Ethin this
is it, it's almost time
to walk the last mile, is
there anything I can do for ya?
- Yeah, I'd like
to see a chaplain.
- Chaplain.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen
tonight we are delighted
to have that bubbling,
bouncing bombshell.
- Miss Liza Minnelli.
- Yeah.
(audience applause)
- Wii, ha ha.
How are you two?
Woo oh, I'm so
excited to be here.
I'm so excited.
- Wo!
Boy I told you she was a
bombshell like you said.
- Yeah well that's what
you called for right?
- That's right but you
know sometimes we need
a little dramatic
ability too you know.
Not just bubbly bouncy, a
little dramatic, how about that?
- Dramatic?
- Dramatic.
- Listen, you two
timing four flusher,
when you left me
and the two kids
for that blonde thing north,
you walked out
of my life forever.
Forever do you hear.
How is that? Good?
- She's very convincing.
- I was ready to pay alimony.
(audience laughs)
- Of course you
may have to sing.
- Oh.
Hey look me over lend me an ear
Fresh outta Clover
- Hey that's wilder.
Can you tell jokes though?
- I once tried to write
a song about drinking,
but I couldn't get
past the first two bars.
(laughter)
- Kind of a batch
of the punchlines.
(laughter)
How about dancing?
You can dance can't you?
- Aww, yeah.
- Hey that's great.
Wait a minute,
where are you going?
- I'm leaving.
- What do you
mean you're leaving?
Aren't you gonna do the show?
- Do it? I just did it!
(audience applause)
- And now from a
beautiful downtown
Burbank boutique and car wash
NBC the nameless but
conspicuous network
stands fearlessly behind
it's legal department
and ignores Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In
starring the
inimitable Dan Rowan
and the inevitable Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Liza Minnelli and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues and Lily
Tomlin, with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder, Barbara Sharma,
Larry Hovis, Richard Dawson
and me I'm Gary Owens
with a word for
all you pallbearers,
carry on but first this
important for Ela Martin.
- I am a professional
exterminator
and I heartily recommend
new blaid for killing bugs.
I'll show you how it works.
There's a creepy little crawler
running across that table.
Watch this.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
a few years ago I appeared
in a motion picture
called the Sterile Cookoo
and tonight, I'm
appearing with two more.
Here they are,
Sterile and Cookoo.
(audience applause)
- Woa!
- Animals, wild
beasts, wild animals.
Thank you very much, good
evening ladies and gentlemen.
- Hey I'll bet you 10 bucks
we got a great show tonight.
- Of course we had
a great show tonight.
- Ah that's 10 you owe me and
now what do you wanna bet on?
- I don't wanna bet on anything.
- How about a little poker.
Here I'll play these
what do you have?
- I don't have anything.
- Woa, how about that, I
win with a pair of threes,
look at that.
- That's nonsense.
- It may be so but it's
good enough to beat you.
- Wait a minute, what is this
sudden interest in gambling?
- Well it started last night.
I was holding six aces.
- Six aces, you were,
boy a hand like that
will get you in
a lot of trouble.
- Not kidding.
You know that the guy
next to me had seven kings?
- It's impossible to
have seven kings.
- I know.
I thought he was bluffing too.
Wait a minute folks.
- Wait a minute folks.
Give us a chance.
That's the dumbest
joke I ever heard.
One more chance.
Now do you know
anything about poker?
- Oh sure.
- What's the best hand in poker?
- Well it's generally
the left one,
the one holding the card.
- Alright folks, meet
you in the parking lot.
Do you know what's
better than two pair?
- Well now there's
nothing better than two pair.
Anyone with two pair has
got a show business career
you wouldn't believe.
- I knew you'd, I knew you
would go for it, you are...
- Or a pair and a half.
- Wait a minute.
You know, your being a
gambler is the dumbest thing
in the world.
- Wrong.
Now the dumbest
thing in the world
is expecting the desk clerk
to believe the topless
dancer you're checking in with
is your cousin
Berk from Buffalo.
- Now that's a gamble.
- I know, I said it's
10 to one I'll get her in
and the desk clerk said "I
don't care what time it is,
"you and Berk, get outta here
"that's not this kind of hotel."
(bright music)
- The value of the dollar
has gone down so much
that the new bills
have a picture
of George Washington
trying to borrow a dollar.
(bright music)
- Our wedding night
was just so exciting,
full of passion and
hugging and kissing
and tearing my clothes.
By the time we got to the
hotel we were exhausted.
(bright music)
- Hey gang I didn't
realize how fat I was
until I was standing
on the corner,
wearing a red white
and blue sweater
and a woman came along and
dropped a letter in my mouth.
(bright music)
- Senator, are you
afraid the 18 year olds
will use their vote foolishly?
- Of course not.
I'm afraid they'll
use it intelligently.
(bright music)
(laughs)
- Oh you know I
haven't worked in weeks.
This unemployment situation
has kept me flat on my feet.
(bright music)
- I understand that because
of the space program
there just hasn't
been enough money
to improve the living conditions
of the Indian.
- True, but that was
many moon trips ago.
(bright music)
- I was supposed to
get up early this morning
and do a story on
the evils of marijuana.
But I had such a hangover,
I couldn't get out of bed.
(bright music)
- Dick, if I let you kiss
me on our first date,
would you respect me?
- No I won't, you'll have
to do a whole lot better
than that.
(bright music)
- The results of the
South Vietnamese
presidential election were
very easy to predict, boy.
Even before it started the
score was two to nothing.
(bright music)
- Wowzy woozy wow.
I went to the artists and
models' ball last week
and kids, they had a
contest for the best costume
and the prize for the
winner, was the runner up.
(bright music)
- Hey you know I've
been thinking about buying
an expensive see through blouse.
- Well it seems a
shame to spend so much
for so little (laughs).
- I recently drove from
New York to Los Angeles,
that's about three
thousand miles
and I only had four accidents,
which isn't bad,
considering I drive on the left.
(bright music)
- There's a new car coming out.
With a rotary engine.
It still pollutes the air,
but with smoke rings.
(bright music)
- This invention sent along
by G. Bernard
Holtman of Los Angeles,
if you cross a fly
with an elephant,
you'll get a zipper
that never forgets.
(audience laughs)
- Simor I'm bored.
Our life is dull and I'm
gonna do something about it.
- Ah!
What did you have in mind?
- I want a chance to live.
- Ah!
- So I've decided to run
off with Waldo the midget.
- Waldo the midget, but why?
- Because with Waldo the
midget I can make it to the top.
- What woa!
What's Waldo the midget
got that I haven't got?
- What?
- What's Waldo the midget
got that I haven't got?
- Stature.
He's the big man in this circus.
- Well I won't let you do it.
I'm not gonna let you
run away with him.
- How can you stop me?
- Well I'll stand in your way.
- Oh Simor you're so dumb.
Boy you're dumb, dumb dumb.
- Ah!
- Waldo!
- That's Waldo the midget?
- I told you he was the
big man in this circus.
- Get it over with
so we can be alone.
- Alright.
But I have to be very careful
to make it look
like an accident.
So I've decided to use
some of that poison whiskey.
Waldo!
Simor!
- Ah!
- Rats.
- And remember this,
C-H-A-I-N are chain letters.
- There are more
old jokes here tonight
than at the senior citizens'
wife swapping party.
- Son, son.
Where are you going?
- This life is too
exciting for me,
I want something duller,
so I'm running away from
the circus to join a home.
- Good riddance.
- Oh son.
- Charlotte, if we win this war,
all the help will
sing and dance.
- What if we loose?
- I'll learn to play the banjo.
Du da, du da.
- Mr. Robinson, baby.
- Yeah.
- Don't you think there's
entirely too much nudity
in Hollywood today?
- Yes indeed Johnny.
I wouldn't be surprised
if the Academy Award
for Costuming this year
is going to be won
by a hair dresser.
- Certainly.
- ELisa, have you
read that book uh,
Everything You've
Wanted to Know About Sex
but Have Been Afraid to Ask?
- Yes but it certainly
doesn't apply to my boyfriend.
- You mean he's not sexy?
- No, he's not afraid to ask.
(audience laughs)
- Oh Ralph, what is
the worst consequence
that anyone has ever had to
pay on truth or consequences?
- I'm doing it now.
- I think the church is
going a little overboard.
The other day I got a
letter saying I would now
be known as Jill Mr. John.
- Hi.
- Hi (laughs).
Oh uh, I'd like to send this
package to Joe Namath.
- Oh well that will
be a dollar please.
Thank you.
- Ah ah! I just love
Alan Sues(mumbles).
- Children, come in and
say goodnight to your father.
(drum music)
Goodnight children.
- Goodnight boys.
- Goodnight Dave.
Brush your teeth.
- Bye bye, goodnight.
- Bye bye goodnight
Geanie (mumbles)
- Goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight.
(mumbles)
Goodnight girls.
Wash your legs.
- You and Johnny (mumbles)
- Wash your face.
- Wash the middle.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight everyone.
Goodnight Karen.
- Hi Bob, how's it going?
Nice to see you.
Woa!
Oh I remember, goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Why couldn't we be like
the Partridge family next door
and just have a small combo?
(bright music)
- Tonight it's Mod
World time again
and tonight we're gonna...
- Hi there friend,
today is your lucky day.
- Well up till now it was.
What are you doing?
- Well, I happen to be a door-
to-door cannonball salesman.
- Why cannonballs?
- Well I used to
sell something else
but I hated making
the deliveries.
- What was it?
- Hawks.
- Hawks.
- They go right for the eyes.
- I don't want to hear about it.
What kind of a nut
would buy a cannonball?
- A nut with an empty cannon.
- How do you go about
selling one of those things?
- Well I use two
basic approaches.
First is the indirect approach.
- I'd like to see it.
I'll tell you what, I'll pretend
that I'm the customer,
let's see your
indirect approach.
- You're the customer?
- I'm the customer.
- I'm the sales man -
You're the sales man.
- Alright.
- Okay.
- How do you do sir...
- Aren't you gonna knock
on the door or anything?
You just walk up to me
on the street without...
- Oh excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Knock knock knock.
- Hello.
- Hi, you didn't open the door.
- Oh (laughs).
- I got ya.
- Okay now just let's
hear the approach.
- Okay, okay.
How do you do sir?
- How do you do?
- For $5,000 who was
the first man to climb
to the top of the Houston
Symphony Orchestra?
You have exactly 10 seconds,
and while you're
thinking about it,
you wanna pay me for that
cannonball you ordered?
- I never ordered a cannonball.
- Lucky for you I happened by.
Why it usually takes
three weeks to deliver one,
look at the time I saved you.
- You're never gonna
get me to buy anything
using an approach like that.
- No?
- No.
- Well how about this.
Excuse me sir, the
British are coming,
the British are coming.
- The British are not coming.
- Of course not because
they know you'd shoot em
with your cannonball.
- I don't have a cannonball.
- Lucky for you I happened by.
You can get these in
three weeks you know.
- Wait a minute why
don't you give it up,
you're never gonna
sell one of those things.
- Are you kidding,
I'm tied for first place
with the company's leading
cannonball salesman.
- Really.
- Sure he hasn't
sold any either.
- I see.
This really has to be the
dumbest thing you've ever tried.
How could you
possibly waste your time
trying to sell something
that's as obsolete and useless.
- The British are coming,
the British are coming.
I don't even have a cannonball.
- Oh boy.
- Where can I get a cannonball?
- Lucky for you I happened by.
Usually it takes three weeks.
(audience laughs)
(slow music)
We're a family
that sings together
And clings together
Does things together
A happy household
that brings together
The joys of family life
Maybe sometimes
we hurt each other
When dad hits mother
And sist kicks brother
But we don't really
hate one another
So Sissy put down the knife
Oh he is always a little drunkie
And he's a bit of
a bitter home maid
Sister Marie is a closet junkie
Grandpa puts gin in his lemonade
We're a family
that prays together
And plays together
For days together
It's just amazing
it stays together
But that's the way it should be
We're an all American family
- Charles - What do you want?
- I really think
it's time that junior
got his own bed.
- Well, I don't know.
- Oh goodie, my
own bed (laughs).
- Hey, I know an usher
who looked up his family tree
and discovered he
came from a long line
in front of the theater.
- A family that stays together
probably has only one car.
- Just look at this report card.
A in sewing.
B+ in home economics.
A in dress design.
An A+ in creative dance.
- I don't wanna shake
you up honey but,
I think we're gonna have
a little problem with Marvin.
- You know I knew a kid
who was 12 and had to go out
and get a job to
support his family.
Of course it's his own fault.
I mean he never
shoulda gotten married.
- Because of co-ed dormitories,
college youngstas
pay more attention
during their school days.
Their nights are too valuable
to spend studying.
- This is the last
will and testament
of the late John Philips.
To my loving wife Margaret,
who served me my
delicious last meal
about an hour before I
took this turn for the worst,
I leave my entire
estate of $500 million.
However in the
event that something
should happen to my wife,
my entire fortune
shall go to my loving
quick witted daughter Alice.
However in the
event that my daughter
isn't quick witted enough,
my estate shall go to my
strong and ruthless son Bill.
However if my son
should fail to survive,
all my money and holdings
shall go to my trusted lawyer,
Ed Bookstrag.
However, if anything
should happen to my lawyer,
everything I own
will go to the church.
- [God] Thank you.
- My wife sits patiently and
listens to all my troubles.
She just loves being
the topic of conversation.
- My marriage counselor
solved all my family problems.
He ran away with my wife.
- The nice thing
about a large family
with only one bathroom is
you get to see each other
a lot more often.
- Liza.
- Yes what?
- Do you approve of nudity?
- Certainly.
How can you take
a shower without it?
- Children, you should honor
your father and your mother.
After all they're the people
that hang around the house
on the babysitter's day off.
- A husband likes to come
home and find his wife
in the kitchen
and the kids out playing around.
I come home and find
the kids in the kitchen.
That calls for a little, hmmm.
- Tonight's performance
was a shamble.
- [Companion] I know.
- We're the best
jugglers in the business
and we should do better.
- [Companion] You're right.
- Tomorrow morning at nine
we're going to have a rehearsal.
Alright alright.
Right now let's eat.
- Let's eat.
- Okay.
- Wanna pass the salad?
(mumbles)
- I know one couple who
lived in a mobile home.
And the kids drove
them so crazy,
one day they just
drove off without em.
It was the first time a home
ever ran away from the kids.
- Good morning governor.
- Good morning dear.
- [Son] Morning dad.
- My fellow Americans,
I wanna thank
each and every one of you
for making this
breakfast possible.
Yes young man.
- Dad, can I use
the car tonight?
- I will have a later statement
on the transportation issue.
Next.
- Governor, I want a raise.
- My balance budget
at this very moment
is being threatened
by similar demands
by the gardener and
the chauffeaur, I'm sorry.
Yes madam.
- Darling, I've been
thinking it's time for us
to have another baby.
- Excellent idea.
Let's see, the
election's in November.
We'll caucus right after
the Jefferson-Jackson day
fundraising dinner in February.
I believe my time is up.
- [Everyone] Thank
you Mr. Governor.
- Thank you all,
have a pleasant day.
(audience laughs)
- I know one family that
practices population control.
The mafia.
- Look at me darling.
You'll never see
me like this again.
- Oh Brad, it's so
noble of you to go off
and fight and die
for your country.
- Fight and die, are you nuts?
I'm going to Atlanta
for a nose job.
- Sir, what do you
think about people
living together without
getting married?
- I think it's terrible.
It destroys the family unit.
The way I look at it,
marriage is everything.
As far as I'm concerned,
the most important thing
in the world is marriage.
- Thank you sir.
And what is your occupation?
- I am a divorce lawyer.
- I wonder what would
happen if grown ups
talk to each other the
way they talk to us kids?
- Hello we're here.
- Well for crying out loud
will you wipe your feet?
What do you think
this is, a pig pen?
- And please shut the door,
where were you born in, a barn?
- Woa.
- Alright now dinner's
ready so why don't you get up
to the table immediately uhn.
- Oh em, but I...
- But what. What?
No buts.
What I have to say
everything twice, sit down.
Wait a minute, let
me see those hands.
Aw, can you just go in
there and wash them alright?
And this time will
you use some soap.
- And you young
man sit up straight
and get those
elbows off the table.
- I think you're gonna
like the strogannuf.
- I really don't
like strongannuf.
- You'll eat what's
put in front of you.
What do you think we're
running, a restaurant?
- There are people
starving in Europe.
- We're not made out
of money you know.
Now no more back talk young man.
Drink that martinee
it's good for you.
- I really don't...
- I'm going to count to three.
One, two, ooh!
- Oh no, I just washed it.
I polished it, I washed it.
- One more stunt like
that and you're gonna
be in bed so fast it will
make your head spin.
- Wait a minute, come here.
Let me see behind the ears.
Oh, just get right back
in there and scrub them.
- You know I'm just...
- She did at home just before.
- I see one of them lies
and the other one
swears to it, okay.
The two of you leave
the table right away
into that den.
And I don't want to
hear another peep
out of either one of you.
There will be no
television tonight.
Now get in there.
Find us a relative in a jam
Oh we'll hide him out
when he's on the lamb
He'll be just fine
because we give a darn
The all American family
- Oh Liza.
- Yes.
- Liza why don't you come
on Laugh In and be a regular?
- And give up show business?
- Eddie are you really as tough
as you appear in the movies?
- I think you know, actually
I'm a very gentleman.
But because I play the
tough guy in the movies,
people try to pick
fights with me.
- No kidding.
What did you do?
- Well now what could I do?
I ran over them with my car.
- My boyfriend wants
me to marry him
and move into his penthouse.
But not necessarily
in that order.
- I was going to do the
life story of Georgie Jesse.
- Well why didn't you?
- The child labor
laws wouldn't allow us
to have some of
his wives on the set.
- How can you tell a good
diamond from a bad diamond?
- Oh it's easy.
If a very rich man gives me a
diamond, it's a good diamond.
- Hmm.
- If he gives it to
someone else, it's bad.
- Hi.
- Hi, it's ticking what is this?
- Well it's a time bomb
and it's set to go off
in three hours.
In that case we
better send it air mail.
- Ah ah ah, I just
love Alan Sues.
(upbeat music)
Listen Liza if I may,
I'd like to say the 70s
are really turning out
To be a bore
I mean they're really
crummy, really crummy
Barbra sweetie, I agree
We ought to rush the 70s
Just wrap them up and
throw em out the door
They're truly rotten
Let's go back when skies
were bright and clearer
And try to find a
really kinda kicky era
Let's get together
and single handedly
Bring back the 30s
That fun and fancy a
song and dance to it
Tali at a tali at a time
Dump the troubles
And wear pajamas
And be very naugties
When Ruby Keeler would
dance for only a da di a da
Da di a time Things
were tough then
But what the heck
we stuck together
Things were rough then
Forgotten men were happy codgers
With Fred Astaire
And Ginger Rogers
And the world was
cherry a wall exterior
Bring back the 30s
Let's stop recalling
that fabulous time
The continental, the karioka
Lets bring back the 30s
That grim but happier,
that chit chat jappier
Yeah Time Days were trickier
Girls go jiggery
Bring back the 30s
Miss dimple Temply
Yeah Shirley's simply sublime
She was a really cute kid
Downtown Burbank,
what she could have been
In four less long year
Downtown Broadway
where redlines formed
And people sat at home
But those blondes
were solid platinum
Once again il a, Joe
Fondelier, bring back the 30s
Lets stop recalling a
fabulous ti il a ti il a time
Rob a river That's the beat
We went down on 42nd street
Let's stop recalling a
fabulous ta il a ta il a time
How can anyone forget
That's driving miss jornet
Let's stop recalling
a fabulous time
Ta il la ta il a time
- Alright scout, give
me your money?
- Why are you stealing my money?
- Because I am Robbin Hood.
I rob from the rich
and I give to the poor.
- Well but now I don't
have any money anymore.
- Well in that case, take that.
- Thanks.
- Call me a jerk or I'll
punch you in the mouth.
- What?
- I said call me a jerk or
I'll punch you in the mouth.
- Okay.
You're a jerk.
- Yo witz, nobody
calls me a jerk
and gets away with it.
- Hey Liza baby, you
know I just enrolled
in a body building course.
- Enrolled in it.
- Hmm hm.
- Looks like you swallowed it.
- So Jack how are you
enjoying the new job?
- Why don't you
sit down I'll tell ya.
- Okay.
- Yeah it's great.
- Yeah oh.
- Sure.
- Good Kenny don't you
miss the whole Vanuval.
- Nah, I think what's
past ought to be past.
It's time for me to settle down.
Hey by the way your
new glasses are ready.
- Oh good.
- There you go.
- Woa woa!
- Must be a pleaser.
- [Man] What do you think.
- I can see by your palms that
you are a very unusual man.
- So this is what
you call a night out
with the boys.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what, last
night I stayed up very late.
And mama said it
isn't good for you.
She said if you
get plenty of rest,
you will grow up
to be a beautiful girl.
I told that to Jo Jo Phillips.
And now he's
afraid to go to sleep
and that's the truth.
- Anybody who thinks that
blood is thicker than water
hasn't seen lake Eerie lately.
- Honey, why are you leaving?
- I'll tell ya.
Because I have to fight
to preserve our plantation.
Our Magnolia trees
and our way of life.
- You walk out that
door and they'll kill you.
- Why?
- Because 10 years ago
we moved to Chicago.
- Slipped my mind.
- When two guys used
to co-star in a movie,
they used to be friendly,
now they get married.
Missed a lot didn't I.
- Do you really like the
men here in Burbank Louisa?
- Well, I'm new here and you
don't make friends overnight.
- You are new here aren't you?
- I just came back from Sweden
where I saw their version
of a man and a woman.
- Is it any different from
the ones shown here?
- Yes.
In their movie both roles were
played by the same person.
- I think enough romance
will keep any wife young.
Unfortunately, it will
keep any husband old.
- Oh!
- Ah!
- Oh Great Scott why
are you doing this?
Oh no don't.
- Well I happen to be a
big Hollywood producer
and my leading
lady just walked out
on the biggest
musical of the year
and nobody can sing like her.
Be my love - That's great.
The part is yours.
- I'm a star.
I'm a hit.
- Ah!
- I'm a maid.
- Hey.
- Get! Oh oh you startled me.
Oh, don't ever do that again.
What's new?
- They finally got Rats Malone,
they nailed him for
running a numbers game.
- Numbers game uhn?
This is good work.
- Yeah they booked him on a 704.
- 704.
You know that'd be a
good number to play
the numbers with.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'd like to send this
package as a surprise
birthday present.
- Oh I love surprises.
- Ah! I just love Alan Sues.
Ah!
- It's dead.
- Oh no.
- My uncle is always
putting people down.
- Oh he's a bigot?
- No, he's a mortician.
- My knees are loose,
my hips are limber,
I'm Sarah the swinger
so just yell timber.
- Can I help you lady?
- I doubt it.
I think you better
trot out Paul Bunion.
- Paul Bunion's a legend.
- So am I sonny.
And I came up here to prove it
in the great north
woods to frolic
among those wonderful
giants of nature.
- You mean the red woods.
- No, the lumberjacks dummy.
- You swing an axe?
- I'll swing a moose
if it will get me the job.
- Do you know what it's gonna
be like to be the only lady...
- Uhn?
- Do you know what
it's gonna be like
to be the only lady
in a lumber camp?
- You bet your buzz saw sonny.
- Well I don't think
you understand,
there's nothing to do
except maybe go out of town
on Saturday night.
- With me around we'll go
to town every night, whoopie!
Hey sonny, how long
have you been up here
without a woman?
- 12 months.
- What are you doing
the rest of the week?
I'm Sarah the swinger,
look out for my tail,
beware of my finger,
I am hitting the trail.
- Go on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh be careful with this it's
a very valuable Ming vase.
- Oh.
- How long will it
take to get to England?
- About 10 days.
- Oh no I'm gonna
be worried sick about it
till it gets there.
- Your worries are over.
- Ah, I just love Alan Sues.
- Tell me Eddie, what
do you think of nudity
on the screen?
- Oh I hated that.
I can't stand seeing that
many people rolling around
without shoulder
holsters, absolutely wrong.
- The problem with
my single's apartment
is that there's no
sound proofing.
It's almost impossible
to go to sleep
with your ears
stuck to the wall.
- My uncle drinks 10 vodkas
and carrot juice everyday.
He sees everything
double but, very clearly.
- I knew one poor
actress who lost 10 pounds
in a single day.
Her silicone was repossessed.
- I've got to go now Charlotte.
But I promise you I'll be back.
- Brad you shocking
and jiving me?
I mean how do you
know you'll be back?
- Cause I'm gonna hide in
the cellar till this war is over.
- This was really
terrific being here.
- Oh we think it was terrific
too to have you on the show.
You know we're gonna do our best
to see that you really enjoy
yourself for the next hour.
- And even after if
it can be worked out.
- I beg your pardon miss Liza.
- Would you stop that.
- I couldn't help but
notice there was a thread
hanging from miss
Mozzarelli's gown.
- It's miss Minnelli.
- Okay sir, I could
just get this...
- Watch what you're doing.
Hawing, Hawking,
come on you're ruining
miss Minnelli's skirt.
- Oh, badly ruined.
You see sir it's the
thread sir, I hate,
well look sir, here's
a thread here.
- Leave that alone.
- Oh I can see em sir.
- Well now look.
- Oh oh ha, well
please don't get upset.
Oh look I have a
needle here, ever ready.
- Oh sure, just leave it alone.
- A bit of thread sir and I'll,
there, there's a
piece of thread.
Please don't worry
sir, I shall fix it.
I have me needle here
and a pin long high hay
mat with a high open needle.
All you red heads,
blonde, brunettes
Girls who want to be rockets
Here is what you gotta say
Seven lousy shows a day
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
we'll call news, news
We just love to
give you our news
Da da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at the
Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at the
Ladies and gents Laugh
In looks at the news
Visit again
- [Announcer] And now it's
time for the Laugh In news
with George Wallace
who's all white,
Jack Benny who's real tight,
William Buckley who's all right
and Howard Hughes, out of sight.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- And somewhere
in Burbank presently,
here is Dick with the
news of the present.
- Detroit.
In an effort to
increase interest
in the halftime activities
of football games,
the NFL last week
presented the Pokatela
all nude marching band.
When the game was finally
completed, two days later,
the final tally was
Rams 14, Lions 7
and Drum Majoretts 112.
That was a close game wasn't it?
- [Dan] Yes it was.
- Los Angeles, California.
The planned women's
liberation motorcade
down Hollywood Boulevard
failed to materialize today
when the entire 454 ladies
hopped into their cars,
started their engines
and backed into
each other (laughs).
I wish I'd had been there.
The Pentagon today announced
the aircraft carrier, Hornet,
was, as they have picked
up the Mermaid that is.
- [Dan] The Hornet
picked up the Mermaid.
- The Hornet picked
up the Mermaid.
She is now undergoing
tests to determine the effects
of having spent 23
years in ocean water.
Three and a half
months on the Hornet
and a fantastic
weekend at the Pentagon.
(laughs)
And now, for news of
the future, here's Dan.
- I always thought there
was something fishy
at the Pentagon.
Here's the news of the
future 20 years from now.
People have long
complained about the oil slicks
and the oil sippage
off the Western coast
of the United States.
Problem was ended
last night by a life guard
in Santa Monica, who
got careless with a match
and burned down
the Pacific ocean.
News of the future
20 years from now.
Scientists who have been
experimenting with Marijuana
for the past 20 years,
emerged from their laboratory
with two important conclusions.
First they say, Marijuana
is completely harmless
and second they say,
the moon is trying to kill us.
I heard a fella
say that one time.
News of the future
100 years from now.
Former sex queen Raquel
Welch was reincarnated today.
Came back in the form
of a chihuahua, who's feet
cannot touch the ground.
- And now for the
young point of view,
we take you to a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
For Moosie Dryer,
kid news for kids.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Last Saturday we
played, hide and go seek.
Butchie hid in
Mr. Oreily's station wagon.
And we couldn't find him.
Maybe we'd never find him.
Cause it wasn't
Mr. Oreily's station wagon.
It belonged to some
man that was driving
to Salt Lake city.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- The rising cost of
automobile insurance
has prompted many states
to look into the feasibility
of no fault insurance.
Here to explain this
concept is Eric clarifier.
- Right.
The basic premise
of no fault insurance
is that no matter
who is at fault,
it doesn't matter
who's fault it was.
Now although there are
some people who feel
there are many
faults in no fault,
while others fault
the fault concept.
I may not have all the
facts but that's not my fault.
- And now for the
British point of view,
we take you to
our man in London.
- Hallo.
I say here we are
at the lavish estate
of Sir Basel Beasley,
one of England's
foremost white hunters.
Mr. Huggins, you
accompanied Sir Basel
on his recent safari
to Africa, how did it go?
- It went very badly madam.
We did not see a
single wild animal,
for the first three months.
- Well that's terrible.
What did you do?
- Well we finally
decided to leave London
and go to Africa.
- I'm sure that you
found something there.
- Oh that we did ma'am.
We found a small native village.
Undersized I might
add, being terrorized
by a man eating lion.
- What happened?
- I didn't startle you did I?
Oh well I'll tell you
what happened.
His lordship being the
sporting jet that he was,
he promised the
people of that village,
they would never be terrorized
by the aforementioned
man eating lion again.
- Johnny Huggins thinks
he destroyed the lion.
- Oh no, he
destroyed the village.
- Why, busy buzzy
babbling around tinsel town
and get this latest
Hollywood flash.
Today casting began
at national studios
for the lead role in
the Mama Cass story.
39 actresses
showed up to audition
and all were given the part.
Ha ha ha ha.
Don Taw from Toby
town, kissy kissy.
- Now to compare the
wages of our police force
with various policemen
all over the world,
we take you to Canada.
- Sir.
- Yes.
- What does a man
who has been riding
with the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police for five years get?
- A royal pain in the...
- And that's the way it is this
morning, October 29th 1603.
La da di da Ladies and gentlemen
We hope you've heard news - Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh I'd like to send that
to my uncle in New York.
- Oh, that will
be three dollars.
- Three dollars?
I've only got, I've
only got two dollars.
- Oh, well give
me the two dollars
and tell your uncle to
pick it up in Chicago.
- Oh, the walk will do him good.
I just love Alan Sues.
- The first time I tried
my hand at painting
I didn't like it.
The next time I used a brush.
- My boyfriend and I
played strip poker last night.
- Well who won?
- We both did.
- Have you read Any Woman Can?
- No, I just couldn't.
- A word of caution
girls, don't burn your bras
unless you have
something to show for it.
- Charlotte, I have to leave now
and march off to Richmond
and do battle with the enemy
to preserve the
heritage of the South.
But I pledge when
the final battle is over,
and the final bullet is fired,
I will come back to you.
- When you do, will you
pick me up a hamburger
and order French fries.
- Hi.
Oh I'm sorry.
- Oh that's okay.
You're wonderful.
Oh, oh I see this is
going to Timothy Leary.
- Yeah that's right.
- That will be two
dollars please.
- Hmmm.
- Pentagon press conference.
Cuba Denials.
- Hey is there a doctor here,
there's been an accident.
- Yes yes, I'm a doctor.
What's going on here, that
could cause an accident.
Yes I'm a doctor
what can I do for ya?
You're a mute,
well congratulations.
Yes yes, let me think.
Ah, well either my
watch has stopped
or this girl's passed on
to the big cloud in the sky.
I can see you in April, you
come and see me in March.
You avoid health food.
Stay out of the sun.
On second thought,
you stay out of the sun,
you avoid health foods,
and have I got a girl for you.
- Oh Brad, in just
a few short hours,
you'll be right in
the sick of the fight.
Brother against brother,
father against son,
cousin against cousin.
- Now don't tell me about it,
you're the one who
wanted a family reunion.
- Permission to take a,
grab a ball to me room sir?
- Excuse me sir, you
dropped your wallet.
- Keep your hands off my wallet.
- Hi.
- Oh, how much
will this cost please,
first class to New York?
- That will be three dollars.
- Well that's too expensive.
What about third class?
- Uhh, 50 cents.
- Oh, okay, I'll take it.
- Hey anybody in this
place going to New York?
- I am.
- Oh well then you can take it.
- Alright.
- Mr. Robinson, when you
were playing the tough guys
in the movies, why did
you always smoke a cigar?
- Well I tried to smoke my nose,
but I couldn't get
the end to stay there.
- Last night my boyfriend
suggested a moonlight swim.
- Aww a moonlight swim is great.
- In the bathtub?
- Many many years ago when
I first started in show business,
I learned the one rule
that every performer
must adhere to if he
intends to succeed.
- What's that Ralph?
- Never brush your
teeth with a brick.
(laughter)
- I may not see you
when this war is over.
- I know Brad but
we must be brave.
- Goodbye Charlotte.
- Goodbye Brad.
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Don't forget I'll see you
all at the Palm Del Air show.
- What's that all about?
- Oh I'll be appearing
there all day Saturday.
- At the Palm De,
what are you gonna do?
- Well I'm gonna jump
out of an aeroplane
at 15,000 feet
without a parachute
and land in the swimming pool.
- Well what if you miss?
- I'll go up and try it again.
I'll be there all day.
- That's Saturday folks.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey Dan, what
lives high in the Andes,
is horrible to look at
and steals garbage?
- I don't know.
- The abominable snow pig.
- Oh oh.
- Oh Barbra.
- Yesy boo.
- Did you see the
eclipse last night?
- No, it was so dark
I couldn't see a thing.
- I had a better woman.
- Hey Liza.
- What?
- You know I trained my
gold fish to float on his back.
- Oh, how did you do that?
- I starved him to death.
- That's what I thought.
- Your belief in
astrology will never work.
- Why not Larry?
- It just isn't in the star.
- Ah ah.
- Yo yo, I hear there's going
to be a new television series
written by the son of the man
who invented
silicone injections.
- What is it called?
- Father knows bust.
- Hey my girlfriend is so fat.
- [Man] Yeah.
- If she wanted to be
a playboy center fold,
she'd have to loose 5 pages.
- Kids, I know a very rich
little boy whose parents
were so formal,
they were so formal...
- [Person] So what?
- Oh stop it.
They bought him a Theodore bear.
- So formal.
Hey Liza, do you
think the Fal Fishers
will ever be able to
drive loose women
out of the cities?
- Sure, I saw the mayor
driving two down
the street last night.
- This program was pre-recorded
because the cast spends
every Monday night
at group therapy.
(upbeat music)