Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 8 - Episode #5.8 - full transcript
- Ladies and
gentlemen, tonight NBC,
the Not Bad Crowd
proudly presents
the 100th Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan.
(applause)
Dick Martin.
(applause)
Ruth Buzzi.
(applause)
Alan Sues.
(applause)
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen.
(applause)
Johnny Brown.
(applause)
Ann Elder.
(applause)
Barbara Sharma.
(applause)
Richard Dawson.
(applause)
Larry Hovis.
(applause)
And special guest stars,
the original koo
koo roo, Judy Carne.
(applause)
Henry Gibson.
(applause)
Teresa Graves.
(applause)
Artie Johnson.
(applause)
Tiny Tim.
(applause)
And Jo Anne Worley.
(applause)
And me, I am Gary Owen.
With these words
for those of you
at home celebrating
your 100th anniversary.
You better take it easy.
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall the two a day
Remember how they
opened with the animal act
Yeah somebody buck
Buck, somebody quack
Quack
- Henry Gibson as
I live and breathe.
How are ya darling?
Did you know that
my fat aunt went
on a water diet?
- No, did it help?
- Oh yes, now she
can go anywhere.
In fact, sometimes she has to.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Oh Ruth, I understand now.
I understand that
Mayor Yorty's thinking
of flying to Fire Island.
- What for?
- He wants to
make it a sister city.
(Ruth shouts)
(whimsical music)
- Hey Barbara, they have
a new name for the pill.
- Oh what is it?
- No fault insurance.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah?
- My 90-year-old uncle married
an 87-year-old woman
yesterday and they're halfway
to their honeymoon
spot right now.
- Oh how sweet,
where are they going?
- Upstairs.
(whimsical music)
- Yes Teresa?
- Allen I was gonna tell
you what Nathan Hale said
to the executioner but I won't.
- Well don't just leave
me hanging there.
- That's it!
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Lily, what would
you do to alleviate
the overpopulation problem?
- Improve the quality
of late night television.
(Ruth shouts)
(whimsical music)
- Artie, Artie, Artie.
- Judy, Judy, Judy.
- Yes, I just had to
have my cat altered.
- Why was that?
- His sleeves were too long.
(Judy shouts)
(whimsical music)
(Ruth laughs)
- Larry (laughs) what
did the Indian girl say
to Columbus when he landed?
- I don't know what?
- Hi sailor, new in town?
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- It's been so hot
here in Hollywood
that at the wax museum
Raquel Welch melted down
to Audrey Hepburn.
(whimsical music)
- Help, help,
help, I'm drowning.
- Oh but weirdo,
there's no water here.
You're bananas.
- Help, help, help, I'm bananas.
(whimsical music)
- Dah, oh Teresa.
- Yes Dennis?
- Movies now must be going
way beyond the X rating.
- Well how can ya tell?
- Our local theater just
tore down the marquee
and put up a plain
brown wrapper.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey ya know somethin' Johnny?
I think Guy Lombardo's
got a great band.
- Oh yeah Lawrence Welk
can play squares around 'im.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- I say, I say, I say.
- Yeah?
- Did I tell you about my aunt
who went on a
diet and ate nothing
but passion fruit?
- Well what did she lose?
- The custody of the children.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey did you hear about
the new rock n roll group
that's trying to
appeal to everyone?
- What do they call it?
- The Grand Funk
Tabernacle Choir.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
The jokes by Miller
The trained gorilla
Do you remember vaudeville
Ah-Ha, do you
remember vaudeville
(applause)
- [All] Happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary!
(applause)
Happy anniversary!
(applause)
- Happy anniversary!
(applause)
Happy anniversary!
- Hold it down, you guys.
Tiny it's great to see ya.
- Yeah you know Tiny started out
with all of us here.
- Yep, and here's
another newcomer
who started out with us.
Ladies and gentleman
Mr. John Wayne.
(cheers and applause)
- I am certainly
glad to be here.
There's one man I've
always wanted to meet.
- Yeah?
- Which one of you
fellas is Tiny Tim?
(all laugh)
- John Wayne meet Tiny Tim.
- Oh Mr. Wayne what a thrill.
- I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(cast shouts)
I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(cast shouts)
I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(all laugh)
(upbeat music)
- You know very few
performers become legends
in their own time.
And here are two
more who haven't.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause) (upbeat music)
(applause)
- They must think one
of us is Jack Durant.
- At least.
(Dick laughs)
Or Herkie Styles, I don't know.
Here it is our 100th
Laugh-In huh?
- Golly, ya know it just
seems like last week
we were doin' our 99th.
(laughter)
- Well it was last
week we did our 99th.
(hands slapping)
- Son of gun doesn't time fly
when you're havin' a good time?
- Always just
zips by doesn't it?
It has been fun.
Hey you know we have
had the good fortune
to introduce a lot of
very famous people
on our show.
- True.
- Will you ever forget the night
we introduced Tiny Tim?
- Oh I certainly hope so.
(laughter)
- Well Tiny Tim went on
to become a very
big recording star.
How about Richard M Nixon?
- Richard M Nixon went on
to become a big recording star?
- No Dick, he went on
to become the president
of the United States.
- Well we can't all be
Tiny Tims ya know?
(laughter)
- Well there's
something in there
to be thankful for.
Hey we've been talking
here for two minutes
and you haven't
mentioned my beard.
- Well isn't that funny?
I was just gonna mention that.
- Yeah?
- You know Dan you'd
look good with a beard?
(laughter)
- Well ya ding-dong I've
had a beard all season.
I just shaved it off.
- You're kidding?
How'd it look?
- Fine.
- Well you see I told you
you'd look good in a beard.
Why don't you listen
to me more often?
- Yeah that's what I oughta do.
I've listened to
you long enough.
It's time we joined the
old gang for the quickies.
- I've got a better idea.
Why don't we join the
old gang for the quickies?
(Dan snaps fingers)
- Hey.
(sighs)
(laughter)
- Now you got your beard back.
(Dan laughs)
(laughter)
(mellow music)
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid
Oh, I'm so cold.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Gimme a couple of chops.
- Two chops comin' up.
Hi-yah, hoo!
(whimsical music)
- The Wild Jackass
by Henry Gibson.
The wild jackass hates waiting.
So each day he runs faster.
His chief problem is mating.
When he's reached
her, he's passed 'er.
(laughter)
- My date's been
getting so fresh
with me all through dinner.
- Oh I'd break his
hand if I were you.
- Yeah I would too
if I knew which one
he writes his checks with.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I won my first Academy Award
when I played a fella
with a patch over one eye.
That's when I first
realized after 25 years,
it was my right eye that
was holding me back.
(laughter)
- [Woman] I just had an accident
with the car, dear.
- How bad was it?
- [Woman] Not too bad.
- Oh.
- Looked what I saved.
(laughter)
- Ya know we'd get
there twice as fast
if they'd just give
a little more thought
to the seating arrangements.
(whimsical music)
- Which way you guys goin'?
(laughter)
(mellow music)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can play catch with me.
You can play house with me.
But try to play doctor with me
and I'll break your face.
(laughter)
(thudding)
- Sorry honey but you're
the world's worst cook.
- Oh darling, well
at least try this.
- What is it?
- [Woman] Coffee.
(laughter)
- Mr. Wayne, what would you do
if I took you to a motel
and physically attacked you?
- Well first I'd put
the beds in a circle.
(laughter)
(mellow music)
Tall and tan and tan and tall
Tall and tan and tan and tall
Tall and tan and
tan and tall And tall
(laughter)
- I must say I've never
married a couple so anxious
to start on their honeymoon.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Sir, it's a new gift from
the Sheikh of Saroac.
- Oh boy, there's
goes my Sundays.
(laughter)
- Take ten men out on patrol
through Dead Man's Pass.
- But sir we've
lost five patrols
in that pass this week.
- That's right, we can't afford
to lose any more good men.
You go alone.
(laughter)
- Now Tiny, if you don't
mind me callin' you that,
it's just great to have
you back on Laugh-In.
- Well thanks Mr. Dennis.
Ya know I'd like
to thank Mr. Rowan
and Mr. Martin for making
a well-known personality out
of a plain, ordinary
guy like me.
- Right.
(laughter)
- Listen, I just got a new
directive from programming.
We gotta cut out any
song that has any reference
to drugs of it of any kind.
- Gee what'll we play?
- Well I guess we'll
have to go back
to the old standards.
Smoke Gets in Your
Eyes, Tea for Two,
The Green, Green Grass of Home.
- Here's another safety tip.
Do not attempt to roast weenies
on the rocket blasts at
Vandeneurg Air Force Base.
- Ohhh, whatsa matter darling?
What are you doing?
- I don't feel too good.
- Oh.
- Just came down with
a little touch of penicillin.
- Well Tyrone, how'd
ya like the quickies?
- Oh speaking of Gladys,
have you seen 'er?
How does she
look? (Dan chuckles)
- She's indescribable.
- Oh not really, I'd say
she's about five foot two,
hairnet, baggy dress.
- How do you do that
without moving your lips?
- No he was speaking.
- I was speaking.
(man mumbles)
- I can scarce contain
my anticipation.
Where is that raving beauty?
- Oh she's around
here somewhere.
- Try looking over at the park.
- Oh the park, oh I
fly on wings of love.
As the sailing ship
seek their dockings,
I see that hairnet and
wrinkled stockings.
Doo da doo doo doo doo.
(laughter)
- That's just beautiful.
- The dummy talked again.
(laughter)
- A friend of mine
told me to shoot first
and ask questions later.
I was gonna ask him why
but I had to shoot 'im first.
(laughter)
(applause)
(mellow music)
- Ohhh, hahahahaha.
Ohhhh, Gladys my
little bumpkin, hahaha.
Oh doo doo doon,
shall we do the dance
of the sixth heaven.
(Gladys groans)
(Tyrone laughs)
At last we are reunited, hahaha.
Oh tell me my blushing blossom,
have you missed me?
- Not so far.
Every time I swing I hit.
- Oh you smart little thing.
Speaking of swinging,
my passionate petunia.
Don't you think this
long deserved reunion
should lead to something?
- Yes, you come any
closer and it'll lead
to a concussion.
(laughter)
- You see her love
remains undimmed, hahaha.
Ah my dear, do you recall
those perfumed nights
of purple passion.
(Gladys gasps)
(boinging)
(Tyrone mumbles)
(Tyrone laughs)
Do you recollect those moments
of passionate madness?
(Gladys gasps)
(boinging)
(Tyrone laughs)
Do you remember
the name of my doctor?
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I could rock this chair
off the porch if I wanted to.
You know what?
Momma said Buster is just a dog
and he don't need clothes.
Just fur to keep warm.
And she's right.
I found an old fur coat
in Momma's cedar closet
and I took off all my clothes
and wrapped myself up in it
and played with Buster all day
in the mud and rain.
And I didn't get one bit cold.
(laughter)
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberries)
Hey my shoe fell off.
(whimsical music)
- I'm pleased to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
- Yes my Mold puts
the mold in your.
Excuse me, miss,
we're doing a commercial
for a detergent.
- Oh.
- Yes, you see, only
one of these socks,
a, b, c, d, and e, has
been washed in Mold.
Now can you tell me
which one is the cleanest?
- Oh love to.
Let me see now.
Um, now we have a, b, c, and d.
Oh you didn't give sock e to me.
- Anything ya say lady.
(whimsical music)
(water splashes)
(laughter)
- In the words of
Aristotle Onassis,
let me take you
away from all of this.
- In the words of
Jacqueline Onassis,
let me take all of
this away from you.
(laughter)
- What're you gonna
do for an encore?
(man laughs)
(water splashes)
(laughter)
I knew I shouldn't
have come back
on this show.
I knew they wouldn't
let me get away with it.
- Hellooooo.
(laughs)
Oh, do you like my dress?
(laughs)
Listen, last week these
were two dozen eggs.
(laughs)
Did you hear the one
about the confused chicken
who went out and
bought a Jewish mother?
(laughs)
- Allen it's
(high-pitched singing)
Now that's how ya do it.
- The Phantom is here.
(high-pitched singing)
The Phantom lady.
- Besides darling, I'm
sick of you imitating.
Especially when it's not funny.
(both laugh)
- Would you like to
see my Tuesday Weld?
- Aww, I'll tell ya what,
would you like to see
my Monday punch.
(Allen gasps)
(laughter)
- Trying to hit a woman.
- You kidding?
Allen, you're no woman.
- That's going to come
as a terrible shock to Boris.
- Not to mention your mother.
(laughter)
- You think she would like it?
- Oh Allen, dummy,
you're not the divine,
incredibly talented,
vivacious, tending on very slim,
gorgeous, Joanne Worley.
(laughs)
And you know what?
I'm gonna prove it.
Here go the curls.
- Oh no!
(ripping)
(both scream)
(Allen laughs)
- Let's check you out.
It's Charlie Brown.
(laughter)
- Ooh my wives, I love you all.
- Don't believe him.
I happen to know he's
been fooling around
with the Lennon Sisters.
(mellow music)
- The happiest day of my life
was when I said I do.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
(all laugh)
- Then you didn't.
(upbeat music)
- I wanna thank the
people of Laugh-In
for the treatment that
I've been given here.
They certainly
go outta their way
to be nice to someone
who can beat the hell
out of any of 'em.
(laughter)
- Mr Wayne is somewhat tasteful
but I do wish he could
be a little more ladylike.
(laughter)
(bell chimes)
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
Fun to be back where
the water's pouring
Laugh-In may be crackers
But it's never boring
Good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I
go Roll out the carpet
Sing Hallelujah
Have a little somethin'
while we're sockin' it to ya
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people we
Good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really a wonderful show
We'll do the new song
And then a quickie
Then we'll swap a joke or two
With Dan and Dickie
We're gonna have a party
We'll fill up that
joke wall tonight
Bring on the dampness
And bring on the dumbness
I may tell a chicken joke
'Cause I'm an alumnus
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really a wonderful
Here's the guy we like the best.
Laugh-In's first
and favorite guest.
(applause)
Good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
Back with Miss Ruthie
Back with Miss Lily
Back all the people
who are fearless and silly
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
They'll check off
the list as we go
Be careful of trap doors Right
Watch out for water Right
Shun the fickle finger
And beware of
George Schlatter Whoo
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really our favorite
I'm gonna savor it
Really our favorite
I'm gonna pay for it
Really our favorite show
(applause)
- If man cannot
live by bread alone
he should eat it with a friend.
- Sir the Indians are
preparing to attack.
How can we repel 'em?
(mellow music)
- Put a Jim Neighbor's
record on the PA system.
- [Man] Sir.
(laughter)
- Darling, come 'ere, come 'ere.
(both laughing)
You look great, you look great.
- Thank you.
- Why don't you stop
by my place a bit later.
All us viruses are
gonna get together,
we're gonna throw a headache.
(both laugh)
- Maybe I shouldn't
tell you this
but your boyfriend had his hand
on my knee all through dinner.
- Well he had his
other hand on my knee
all through dinner.
- So that's why he
ordered soup with a straw.
(laughter)
- Listen we try to
answer all your letters
and one of the
questions that you.
- All right, now just
stand in back of me
and the chances
are you won't get hurt.
(laughter)
All right I'm gonna
try it once more.
Now let 'em out.
(lion roars)
- Hold it, wait a minute.
What are you supposed to be?
- Well I'm either a lion tamer
or a lion dinner.
(laughter)
- Well don't you think you
better make up your mind?
- What makes ya
think it's up to me?
(laughter)
(lion roaring)
- Rah!
- It looks to me as if the lion
has started on the
hors d'oeuvres already.
(lion roaring)
- You think I'm doin'
somethin' wrong?
- It looks to me like you're
doin' everything wrong.
How long ya been at this?
- I don't know, as
soon as I got in there
he ate my watch.
(Dan laughs)
- Hah!
- Wait a minute, now
Dick, why are you doing
a stupid thing like this?
- 'Cause it's in my blood.
- Lion taming is in your blood?
- No, stupidity.
- Stupidity is.
(laughter)
How did you get
started the lion business?
- Well somebody
sent me this book
on how to train wild animals.
- Oh I'd like to read it.
- Sure go ahead,
it's in with my watch.
- No I don't wanna read it.
(laughter)
And how do you go
about training a lion?
- Well every time he does
(laughs) you asked me how
to train a lion.
- Yeah how do you train a lion?
(both laughing)
- Every time he
does somethin' wrong.
(laughs)
I give 'em a whole leg of lamb.
- Well.
(laughs)
- A whole leg of lamb.
- Well doesn't he
like the leg of lamb?
- Not up his nose.
(both laugh)
(laughter)
Okay, get 'im ready.
Here put this blindfold on me.
- On you or on me?
- No, put it on me.
- No, no, I wanna
see this, go ahead.
- I can't stand
the sight of blood.
Put it on me.
(laughter)
- Hah!
(lion roars)
Okay let 'im out.
(laughter)
(applause)
- I shoulda put
on the blindfold.
- Boy that was a close one.
Boy I'll get even
with you guys for this.
- What's the matter?
- Oh they let the mean one out.
(laughter)
- Henry Gibson, baby.
- Johnny, hello, how are you?
- Hey you know I got
your old dressing room.
- No kidding?
- And I found a pair of
shoes that ya left there.
- Oh you know I've been
lookin' all over for these shoes.
- Well here.
- Son of gun.
- Here they are.
- Ha, ohhhh, well they're
not exactly the same pair
but they'll sure
make me look taller.
- 12 feet tall.
(Henry laughs)
- Hey Teresa, it's a
delight to see ya here.
- Yeah it's nice to see
her here too, I'll tell ya.
(Teresa giggles)
- Thank you, ya know
I've noticed something.
- What's that?
- We haven't said a word
about Burbank tonight.
- Oh we don't do those
Burbank jokes anymore.
- No?
- No, Burbank's changed.
They've got a
new cultural center.
- Ohhhh.
- Oh sure.
- New boiler works.
- Yeah.
- In the same building?
- No, no, I told ya
Burbank has changed.
- Yeah you oughta
see the new hospital.
(sirens wailing)
- Emergency, emergency,
Doctor Fletcher, Doctor Fletcher.
- I'm never gonna
get this room finished.
(laughter)
- Doctor look at this.
- Are you kidding nurse?
What's the emergency?
This woman's pregnant.
- No, this is a man.
- Oh boy is this gonna hurt.
- No, no, no, no
that's not the problem.
See he's got a bowling
ball stuck on his hand.
- Yeah and this hand
doesn't look too good either.
(man grunts)
- What're you gonna do doctor?
- Well I think I'll probably go
for the spare and then operate.
Uhhh, let me think.
Nurse, the anesthetic.
- You got it.
Lullaby and good night
- Hurry it up,
hurry it up nurse.
With roses you feel (mumbling)
(boinging)
- Don't get mean.
- God bless ya sweetheart.
Now, I think I'm
ready, I'll scrub up.
- You got it.
- Did you hear that?
Years of training.
- Here's your scrub up.
(water splashes)
(laughter)
- Thank you very
much and now a scalpel.
- You've got it, one
scalpel coming up.
- Don't worry I've
done a lotta this.
- Don't hurt yourself doctor.
(nurse giggles)
- Ya know nurse, I
don't like the sound
of his heart.
It doesn't sound too good to me.
(nurse laughs)
- Doctor that's not his heart.
(laughs)
- Well in that case his liver
doesn't sound too good.
(laughter)
But I think he's gonna
be all right, nurse.
So take him to
the recovery room.
- Terrific, see ya later, doc.
(laughter)
- Hey what seems
to be your problem?
- You see, I've got this
bowling ball stuck on my hand.
- Ya know that's the
second one today.
Hey nurse, I think
we got an epidemic.
(laughter)
- Doctor quick, we've
gotta get to work.
We finally found the transplant
for Toulouse-Lautrec.
(laughter)
- Listen I would like
to personally apologize
to all my friends in
Burbank for that sketch.
I happen to love
Burbank and I never miss
the 4th of July celebration
when the mayor gets
to the Burbank cemetery
and lays a six-pack
on the tomb of the
unknown bowler.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Compost is Better
Than No Post at All.
(laughter)
By Henry Gibson.
If you are what you eat,
then here's what I am.
Alfalfa, papaya, wheat
germ, and SPAM.
Mulch.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- The Sky, by John Wayne.
The sky is blue,
the grass is green.
Get off your butt
and join the Marines.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
(applause)
- You got gold
ones in there too.
(laughs)
- Jo Jo.
- One, two, three.
- Joanne?
- Do you see all his
gold teeth in there?
You must be worth a fortune.
(both laugh)
- Be with ya in
just a minute folks.
- No wonder Dolly loves you.
(both laugh)
- Joanne.
- No ring though, that's
why you keep your hand
in the pocket.
That's not what I heard, Dick.
- Joanne.
(both laugh)
- Dan Rowan!
- Yes.
- Oh how's Adriana?
- She's just.
- The kids?
- What have you been doing?
- What happened to your chin?
- I bit it.
- What have you
been doin' lately?
- Well I have been
doing all the talk shows.
Johnny Carson, Dick
Cavett, and Lawrence Welk.
Hi Henry.
- Hold it a minute.
- Yes?
- Lawrence Welk's
not a talk show.
- You're kidding.
(laughs)
I don't know but
when I'm on the show
all voila it's a talk show.
(upbeat music)
- And now we present our
totally perfected presentation
of robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
- My darling.
- [Man] My darling.
(mellow music)
Here, let me take your wrap.
(mellow music)
(curtain ripping)
(laughter)
(gonging)
- Thank you.
- I'll hang it on the coat rack.
Would you care to dance?
- I'd love to.
- Good, I'll put a record on.
(mellow music)
(banging)
How do you like it?
It's Mantovani.
(laughter)
- It's beautiful.
- Let's dance.
(laughter)
Let's get better acquainted.
- What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
(lips smacking)
(thumping)
(laughter)
I'm leaving, where's my coat?
(curtain ripping)
(thudding)
(mellow music)
I saw you last night
And got that old feeling
Borrrrred - Who
cares, kiss me Allen.
(Joanne laughs)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, beautiful
downtown Burbank?
What?
You have an obscene phone call
for Elizabeth Taylor?
(gasps)
Oh well I'll try
but I don't think she'll
accept it Mr. Burton.
(laughter)
- Tiny, your wedding took place
on The Tonight Show right?
Has it had any affect
on your marriage?
- Not really, except
every so often
I've gotta break in
for a commercial.
(laughter)
- Oh-Ho, oh I wonder
what it would be like
to be married to a
man like John Wayne.
Oh he's so big and handsome.
Oh, oh he'd be just wonderful.
(mellow music)
(snoring)
Oh Duke, you're home.
- That's right, kid.
(laughter)
Ya know, we gotta
get a new hat rack.
This one's got the funniest
lookin' legs I ever saw.
(laughter)
- Oh Duke, why are you
still wearing that eye patch?
- 'Cause when I do, kid,
you don't look half bad.
(laughter)
- Oh stop it, Duke,
and look at me.
Can't you see what I need?
- I sure can, kid.
And here it is, a
nice lumpa sugar.
- Ohh, I'll give you some lumps.
(thumping) (laughter)
Say stop, I don't wanna
do this to the man.
(laughter)
- Sire, try to understand.
- But this is ridiculous.
They can't all have a headache.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- [Cast] Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary!
- Well Dick, are you
enjoyin' tonight's reunion
as much as I am?
- You bet and so
is this audience.
Just look at them.
They're fascinated.
(whimsical music)
- Say Tiny, do
you ever use a pick
on your ukulele?
- Only when it gets food
in between the strings.
(gonging)
- Duke I can't tell
you how happy I am
you're here for the anniversary
of the hundredth show.
- And that goes
for all of us too.
- I wouldn't of missed it
for all the scotch in China.
- I think you mean tea.
- No I mean scotch,
I don't drink tea.
- Ho-Ho well in that
case let's get Mr. Wayne
a nice hot cuppa scotch
and start the party.
- Right.
(upbeat music)
- My psychiatrist says I
have a split personality.
But I don't believe 'im.
And I don't either.
(upbeat music)
- Well now that I'm
going to have a baby.
(laughs)
Boris says working is
absolutely out of the question.
So guess what?
Tomorrow he's quitting his job.
(upbeat music)
- I still marvel at
the ancient miracle
where water was
turned into wine.
- Oh yes but I would
marvel even more
if today someone could
turn the water into water.
(upbeat music)
- I bet President Nixon
loves his summer home
in California and his
winter house in Florida.
- Yeah but what
he would really like
is a Republican
house in Washington.
(upbeat music)
- Oh it's getting
so it's not safe
to walk the streets anymore.
Everywhere you
look there's a cop.
(upbeat music)
- Now that's what
I call a cuppa tea.
(upbeat music)
- Well in old country is
absolutely no censorship.
- Right, oh well how
did your people feel
about President Nixon's
trip to Red China?
What was their reaction?
- What trip?
(man laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I understand school's are
having attendance problems
at sex education classes.
- Oh they sure are.
At our school out of 25
students 173 showed up.
(upbeat music)
- I know of a monastery
that requires its monks
to take the vow of silence.
- And how is it working?
- Haven't heard any complaints.
(upbeat music)
- Hey Allen, I'm gonna
give you two choices.
- Oh.
- Would you rather go to the
1972 Democratic convention
or a turkey raffle?
(Allen laughs)
- Okay I've got that.
Now what's my second choice?
(upbeat music)
- Ya now I'd like to
show you something
up at my place you really
wouldn't expect to find there.
- Ooh what?
- You baby.
- Ooh.
(upbeat music)
- Our club recently
raised enough funds
to send a group of poor children
out to the country.
Next year we hope
to collect enough
to bring them back.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Oh ho ho, Tiny Tim isn't it?
(laughs)
Listen darling, tell me.
How do you always manage to keep
such a beautiful complexion?
- Well once a week I have
a cleaning woman come in.
- Devil!
(upbeat music)
- I wouldn't of
missed this party
for all the tea in Scotland.
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(whimsical music)
Corporal we attack at dawn.
- But Chief Sittin' Bull says
if you call off the
attack he'll give you one
of his daughters.
- Which daughter?
Dancing Flower?
- No, Sleepin' Buffalo.
- We attack at dawn.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend
must not be hungry.
He didn't touch a
thing on the table.
- Well he touched
enough under the table.
- Next time keep your
knees on the table.
(laughter)
- Oh have I got a
terrible headache.
- Oh dear, what caused it?
- Oh I got hit in the head
with this big, dumb aspirin.
(laughter)
- Hi guys.
- Hi Teresa.
- It's great to be
back with ya again.
- Hey I saw your new
show last Tuesday
and your funny
side looked great.
- Oh.
- Your other side didn't
look bad either, ya know.
(all laugh)
- Come on, Dick.
- Oh that's okay, that's okay.
As long as he
doesn't take sides.
(laughter)
- Pardon, ohhhhh.
My vision of beauty is here.
This is the last
time I will try this.
(mellow music)
Harken to me my little dove.
(clears throat)
Tippee tippee tong, tippee tong.
(tapping)
(Gladys gasps)
- Oh!
- Jolted into your
lethargy didn't I, you yo-yo?
(tapping)
Dance, dance, dance you.
Betty Grable you'll
never be, ya know that.
- Ohhhh.
- Ha-Ha, well Gladys.
Gladys my little poppy seed.
- Ohhhhh.
- My little caraway bun.
(laughs)
How would you like to
come to my waiting arms?
- Oh!
(thumping)
(laughter)
How would you, that's
only one arm left now.
How would you like to
come to my apartment?
(Gladys gasps) (Tyrone laughs)
(throat clearing)
- Ha ha ha, how would you
like to come to my funeral?
(laughter)
Ohhhhh, uh-oh my
sciatic nerve, ohhh, ohhh.
(laughter)
Ohhhhh.
(upbeat music)
- One of my parishioners
recently attended church
in Las Vegas.
He put a quarter in
the collection plate
and won $16, two free drinks,
and an eight to
five shot at heaven.
(laughter)
- Hey we here you love
raising flowers, Tiny.
- Oh that's right,
in fact I have
to drink two glasses
of water every day.
- I don't get the connection.
- I have a tulip
growing in my stomach.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I Saw a Little Birdie.
By Henry Gibson.
I saw a little birdie
go hop, hop, hop.
And I said little birdie
won't ya stop, stop, stop?
Oh birdie please
stop, stop your hoppin'.
Stop your hoppin'.
But he wouldn't.
(laughter)
(thudding)
(laughter)
(applause)
- I'm pleased to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
- Sire, a gift from
the Sultan of Burbank.
- Send it back.
(Gladys gasps)
(bonking)
(woman laughs)
(whimsical music)
- Tiny why do you
carry your ukulele
in that paper bag?
- I have to, my
piano won't fit in it.
(laughter)
- Sir the Indians
have come to trade.
- Good, see if you can
get me two Willie Mays
for one Vida Blue.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend's so
old that when we drove
to Lover's Lane he ran outta gas
before the car did.
(laughs)
- I'm so used to
beating up people
in black hats that I don't
trust myself around nuns.
(laughter)
- Ya know Judy I can't tell you
what a pleasure it
is to have you back
on the show.
- Aww, thanks Dan.
- That goes double for me.
- Certainly.
In fact we have a small
gift of appreciation for you.
- Oh you do?
- The wrapping's neat huh?
- Oh yeah cute.
- Dick's special job.
- I did it.
- Mmm-Hmm, mmm-hmm, what is it?
- Well it's a lamp.
- That's not a lamp
that's just a socket.
- You're just giving
a socket to me?
(whimsical music)
You're just giving me?
(water splashes)
(laughter)
Now that's what I
call real drip-dry.
(whimsical music)
We are ladies who
are plan plan planning
To be can can canning
While the news report
is Dick and Danning
So nobody better
slum slum slumber
When our num num
number has begun
Quel dumb And getting dumber
But the news across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse you
We just love to make you amused
Ooh la la la
Monsieur and Madam
laugh and looks at the
News with Dick and Dan
(applause) (upbeat music)
- [Gary] And now it's time
for the Laugh-In news with
Howard Hughes unavailable.
Raquel Welch unbelievable.
Jimmy Hoffa unpardonable.
And Internal
Revenue unavoidable.
(laughter)
- And now here's
um, uh, Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Today the Great Zambini,
world famous sword swallower.
- [Dan] Yes he swallows swords.
- That's what he does.
That's why they call
him a sword swallower.
He was given an
honorary medical degree
for sneezing while
swallowing a three-foot sword.
And successfully
removing his gallbladder,
appendix, three toes.
And a partridge in a
pear tree (laughter)
And now for news of
the future here's Dane.
- [Dan] Uh Dan.
- Dan.
- Yes thank you.
News of the future.
July 4th, 1976.
The highlight of the
bicentennial celebration
of the Declaration of
Independence took place today
when the Liberty Bell
was rung by Oral Roberts.
The crack immediately healed.
(laughter)
- Here we are in
Denmark speaking
to the world famous
doctor who originated
the sex change operation.
Tell me doctor, would
you personally consider
changing your own sex?
- Not on your life.
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now for kid news for kids
we take you to Moosie
Dryer in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Butchie Math is no fun anymore.
He has a crush
on Phyllis Nelson.
And he says it's love.
And I say it's only infatuation.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now to Moscow
for an interview
with a Russian worker.
- Sir, I understand that
you work in the Kremlin.
Now tell me how are
the working conditions?
(blows raspberries)
(laughter)
- It's dangerous.
Secret police
work it everywhere.
- Oh that's terrible.
- Not only that but everybody
is informing on each other.
- Oh that's awful.
- What's even worse, the borscht
in the cafeteria is lousy.
- Well then why don't you
complain to the Premier?
- Complain to the Premier?
(moans)
I am the Premier.
(laughter)
- News of the future
20 years from now.
The aging cast of
Laugh-In met tonight
to celebrate it's 1000th show
at NBC's Sun City.
- The program
opened as Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin introduced
their guest John Wayne,
who spent the rest
of the hour trying
to get on his horse.
(laughter)
- And that's the way it is,
Valentine's Day,
October third, 1903.
Ooh la la la (women moaning)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Mr. Wayne, why
did you ever agree
to do this show?
- Well I did it on
one condition.
That the producer
live up to his promise.
- What promise?
- To return my family unharmed.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend sent me
the greatest love letter.
It started out, my
sweetest angel.
- Listen sweetheart,
the greatest love letter
in the world begins
pay to the order of.
- At one time in life,
people used to point
at me on the street and laugh.
But now that I'm a big star,
those very same
people point at me
on the street and laugh.
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
- Sir I have a report.
The Indians are on
the warpath again.
(whimsical music)
- Gives you a
stupid idea like that?
(thumping)
(laughter)
- Wow, what did you
have to do for that?
- Oh it's something I didn't do.
I didn't call his wife.
- Oh you devil.
- What are you doing?
Oh darling not tonight please.
I'm giving a headache.
Take that.
- Tiny Tim is a
rather unusual name.
- I know but Tiny Tim
isn't my real name.
- Oh well what is
your real name?
- Engelbert Humperdinck.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can mess with my hair
and you can mess with my dress.
Mess with my
little body and I hit.
Or I kick.
Or I bite.
(crunching)
- Well when I play
a hero in Western
and some tough gunslinger
gets the drop on me,
I just let him have it.
- Have what?
- Well anything he wants.
I'm a hero but I'm no fool.
(laughter)
- Where'd ya say
wanted to go honey?
Hey Father, I beg your pardon.
- That's all right my child.
- Where to, the bank?
Haha, no offense Father.
- No, no, no St. Patrick's
Cathedral please.
- St. Pat's Cathedral
we're on our way.
Ashes in the ash
tray, feet on the floor.
You like the fuzzy dice?
That's my touch.
I'm sick about
the license though.
Lousy picture.
And I don't want you to
worry about nothin' Father.
I got good old St.
Christopher right up here
in the front.
- Haven't you heard my child?
Christopher's no longer a saint.
- Well in that case
you better buckle
your safety belt.
I never drove this
thing on my own before.
(laughter)
No offense.
Hey Father listen.
I got a confession to make.
- Well you've come
to the right person.
- Yeah I figure it may
brighten up your day.
No offense.
When I was a kid I
always wanted to be a nun.
Unfortunately I didn't
have a twin sister.
- Well what does
having a twin sister
got to do with being a nun?
- Oh you know how
you always see 'im goin'
around in pairs?
(laughter)
- They Say by John Wayne.
They say I'm tough.
They say I'm bossy.
But I found a friend.
In my big brown horsey.
(laughter)
(mellow music)
Let's give a cheer
for Women's lib
Forget that story
about Adam's rib
Let's hear a loud hoorah
For the girls who
burned their bra
(upbeat music)
- Sir there are Indians
all around the fort.
They got us surrounded.
We're in trouble.
- Whatta ya mean we?
Pale face.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Look what my
boyfriend just gave me.
- What did it cost?
- A weekend in Miami Beach.
- I hear your husband
got a promotion.
- Oh yes, you see
he's really going up
in the world.
(clears throat)
Now he's a pain in the neck.
(laughs)
- Hey we got these
terrific performers together
we could do a heck of a show.
- Ya dingbat we
just got 'em together
and it was a heck of a show.
- Son of gun, Aunt
Louise never misses.
- Say goodnight Dick.
(Dick gasps)
- Get that outta your
mouth you'll burn your beard.
- Say goodnight.
- Goodnight Dick.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- [All] Goodnight Saieb Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dan.
- Goodnight Dan.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight anybody.
- You little Dresden Doll you.
- Don't kiss on the mouth.
That's naughty for girls.
- That's my gloss.
(mellow music)
Goodnight Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Night Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(water splashes)
I still love ya anyway.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Dick.
(thumping)
(upbeat music)
- Joanne, when you're in Burbank
do you know how
to visit the city hall?
- Barbara, of course,
you just get the key
from the attendant
at the gas station.
(laughter)
- University of
Burbank is the only one
in the country that
gives a degree in burp.
(laughter)
- Hey Teresa.
Remember when Burbank
was a one-horse town?
- Uh yes wasn't
it last Thursday?
(Johnny laughs)
- Artie, it's easy to spot
the rich families in Burbank.
- Oh yeah, yeah, they
have two abandoned cars
in front of their house.
(laughter)
- The mayor of Burbank's
limousine was out
of service today.
The horse threw a shoe.
(laughter)
- Do you know Dennis - Yes.
That Burbank Nun Hotel
has double its capacity?
- Really Judy?
- Yes, they've added a room.
- Ohh, Burbank
Symphony Orchestra
had to call off its concert
because the
soloist lost the tissue
from his paper comb.
(laughter)
- Wait a minute,
doesn't anybody have
a good word for Burbank?
- [All] Good-bye.
- Very intersert.
Umm, very I-I-I-guh.
(laughter)
What's that word?
Very, very, I've
been saying that word
all these years and
suddenly I got a blanc.
Isn't that interesting.
(laughter)
It's weird, it
really is, it's weird.
The weird, it's the
weirdest thing I ever saw.
- You called Mr. Wolfgang?
(laughter)
- No I didn't call Mr. Wolfgang.
But now that you're
here maybe I'd better.
Say un-guh-lee-guh-guh-buh-ble.
It's you, you're
the guy what sings.
I know that, goosestep
through the tulips.
I know that song.
Goosestep through the tulips?
That's not the way I do it.
- Well that's the way we did it
and it didn't work then either.
(laughter)
What is your real name?
- Tiny Tim.
- Tiny Tim.
(laughs)
You got a sense of humor.
Boy good, listen Hiney,
why don't you join me
and a few of the old
gang at our re-umion?
- Oh I'd love to.
I've never been in Argentina.
- Good, good,
go, go on go find it.
Find it, go boy.
Like a dachshund with a helmet.
(laughs)
I hope he doesn't
show up really.
Ya know what they say.
Too many cuckoos
spoil the re-u-min-um.
Just like this one
was just spoiled
because I couldn't
remember the word interesting.
That's the word!
- This program was pre-recorded.
That means they shot it
a couple of weeks ago.
Sure is takin' it
a long time to die.
(upbeat music)
(crunching)
(boinging)
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
(upbeat music)
(clapping)
gentlemen, tonight NBC,
the Not Bad Crowd
proudly presents
the 100th Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Rowan.
(applause)
Dick Martin.
(applause)
Ruth Buzzi.
(applause)
Alan Sues.
(applause)
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen.
(applause)
Johnny Brown.
(applause)
Ann Elder.
(applause)
Barbara Sharma.
(applause)
Richard Dawson.
(applause)
Larry Hovis.
(applause)
And special guest stars,
the original koo
koo roo, Judy Carne.
(applause)
Henry Gibson.
(applause)
Teresa Graves.
(applause)
Artie Johnson.
(applause)
Tiny Tim.
(applause)
And Jo Anne Worley.
(applause)
And me, I am Gary Owen.
With these words
for those of you
at home celebrating
your 100th anniversary.
You better take it easy.
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall the two a day
Remember how they
opened with the animal act
Yeah somebody buck
Buck, somebody quack
Quack
- Henry Gibson as
I live and breathe.
How are ya darling?
Did you know that
my fat aunt went
on a water diet?
- No, did it help?
- Oh yes, now she
can go anywhere.
In fact, sometimes she has to.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Oh Ruth, I understand now.
I understand that
Mayor Yorty's thinking
of flying to Fire Island.
- What for?
- He wants to
make it a sister city.
(Ruth shouts)
(whimsical music)
- Hey Barbara, they have
a new name for the pill.
- Oh what is it?
- No fault insurance.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey Judy.
- Yeah?
- My 90-year-old uncle married
an 87-year-old woman
yesterday and they're halfway
to their honeymoon
spot right now.
- Oh how sweet,
where are they going?
- Upstairs.
(whimsical music)
- Yes Teresa?
- Allen I was gonna tell
you what Nathan Hale said
to the executioner but I won't.
- Well don't just leave
me hanging there.
- That's it!
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Lily, what would
you do to alleviate
the overpopulation problem?
- Improve the quality
of late night television.
(Ruth shouts)
(whimsical music)
- Artie, Artie, Artie.
- Judy, Judy, Judy.
- Yes, I just had to
have my cat altered.
- Why was that?
- His sleeves were too long.
(Judy shouts)
(whimsical music)
(Ruth laughs)
- Larry (laughs) what
did the Indian girl say
to Columbus when he landed?
- I don't know what?
- Hi sailor, new in town?
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- It's been so hot
here in Hollywood
that at the wax museum
Raquel Welch melted down
to Audrey Hepburn.
(whimsical music)
- Help, help,
help, I'm drowning.
- Oh but weirdo,
there's no water here.
You're bananas.
- Help, help, help, I'm bananas.
(whimsical music)
- Dah, oh Teresa.
- Yes Dennis?
- Movies now must be going
way beyond the X rating.
- Well how can ya tell?
- Our local theater just
tore down the marquee
and put up a plain
brown wrapper.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey ya know somethin' Johnny?
I think Guy Lombardo's
got a great band.
- Oh yeah Lawrence Welk
can play squares around 'im.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- I say, I say, I say.
- Yeah?
- Did I tell you about my aunt
who went on a
diet and ate nothing
but passion fruit?
- Well what did she lose?
- The custody of the children.
(both shout)
(whimsical music)
- Hey did you hear about
the new rock n roll group
that's trying to
appeal to everyone?
- What do they call it?
- The Grand Funk
Tabernacle Choir.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
The jokes by Miller
The trained gorilla
Do you remember vaudeville
Ah-Ha, do you
remember vaudeville
(applause)
- [All] Happy anniversary!
Happy anniversary!
(applause)
Happy anniversary!
(applause)
- Happy anniversary!
(applause)
Happy anniversary!
- Hold it down, you guys.
Tiny it's great to see ya.
- Yeah you know Tiny started out
with all of us here.
- Yep, and here's
another newcomer
who started out with us.
Ladies and gentleman
Mr. John Wayne.
(cheers and applause)
- I am certainly
glad to be here.
There's one man I've
always wanted to meet.
- Yeah?
- Which one of you
fellas is Tiny Tim?
(all laugh)
- John Wayne meet Tiny Tim.
- Oh Mr. Wayne what a thrill.
- I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(cast shouts)
I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(cast shouts)
I'm glad to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
(all laugh)
(upbeat music)
- You know very few
performers become legends
in their own time.
And here are two
more who haven't.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause) (upbeat music)
(applause)
- They must think one
of us is Jack Durant.
- At least.
(Dick laughs)
Or Herkie Styles, I don't know.
Here it is our 100th
Laugh-In huh?
- Golly, ya know it just
seems like last week
we were doin' our 99th.
(laughter)
- Well it was last
week we did our 99th.
(hands slapping)
- Son of gun doesn't time fly
when you're havin' a good time?
- Always just
zips by doesn't it?
It has been fun.
Hey you know we have
had the good fortune
to introduce a lot of
very famous people
on our show.
- True.
- Will you ever forget the night
we introduced Tiny Tim?
- Oh I certainly hope so.
(laughter)
- Well Tiny Tim went on
to become a very
big recording star.
How about Richard M Nixon?
- Richard M Nixon went on
to become a big recording star?
- No Dick, he went on
to become the president
of the United States.
- Well we can't all be
Tiny Tims ya know?
(laughter)
- Well there's
something in there
to be thankful for.
Hey we've been talking
here for two minutes
and you haven't
mentioned my beard.
- Well isn't that funny?
I was just gonna mention that.
- Yeah?
- You know Dan you'd
look good with a beard?
(laughter)
- Well ya ding-dong I've
had a beard all season.
I just shaved it off.
- You're kidding?
How'd it look?
- Fine.
- Well you see I told you
you'd look good in a beard.
Why don't you listen
to me more often?
- Yeah that's what I oughta do.
I've listened to
you long enough.
It's time we joined the
old gang for the quickies.
- I've got a better idea.
Why don't we join the
old gang for the quickies?
(Dan snaps fingers)
- Hey.
(sighs)
(laughter)
- Now you got your beard back.
(Dan laughs)
(laughter)
(mellow music)
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid
Oh, I'm so cold.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Gimme a couple of chops.
- Two chops comin' up.
Hi-yah, hoo!
(whimsical music)
- The Wild Jackass
by Henry Gibson.
The wild jackass hates waiting.
So each day he runs faster.
His chief problem is mating.
When he's reached
her, he's passed 'er.
(laughter)
- My date's been
getting so fresh
with me all through dinner.
- Oh I'd break his
hand if I were you.
- Yeah I would too
if I knew which one
he writes his checks with.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I won my first Academy Award
when I played a fella
with a patch over one eye.
That's when I first
realized after 25 years,
it was my right eye that
was holding me back.
(laughter)
- [Woman] I just had an accident
with the car, dear.
- How bad was it?
- [Woman] Not too bad.
- Oh.
- Looked what I saved.
(laughter)
- Ya know we'd get
there twice as fast
if they'd just give
a little more thought
to the seating arrangements.
(whimsical music)
- Which way you guys goin'?
(laughter)
(mellow music)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can play catch with me.
You can play house with me.
But try to play doctor with me
and I'll break your face.
(laughter)
(thudding)
- Sorry honey but you're
the world's worst cook.
- Oh darling, well
at least try this.
- What is it?
- [Woman] Coffee.
(laughter)
- Mr. Wayne, what would you do
if I took you to a motel
and physically attacked you?
- Well first I'd put
the beds in a circle.
(laughter)
(mellow music)
Tall and tan and tan and tall
Tall and tan and tan and tall
Tall and tan and
tan and tall And tall
(laughter)
- I must say I've never
married a couple so anxious
to start on their honeymoon.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- Sir, it's a new gift from
the Sheikh of Saroac.
- Oh boy, there's
goes my Sundays.
(laughter)
- Take ten men out on patrol
through Dead Man's Pass.
- But sir we've
lost five patrols
in that pass this week.
- That's right, we can't afford
to lose any more good men.
You go alone.
(laughter)
- Now Tiny, if you don't
mind me callin' you that,
it's just great to have
you back on Laugh-In.
- Well thanks Mr. Dennis.
Ya know I'd like
to thank Mr. Rowan
and Mr. Martin for making
a well-known personality out
of a plain, ordinary
guy like me.
- Right.
(laughter)
- Listen, I just got a new
directive from programming.
We gotta cut out any
song that has any reference
to drugs of it of any kind.
- Gee what'll we play?
- Well I guess we'll
have to go back
to the old standards.
Smoke Gets in Your
Eyes, Tea for Two,
The Green, Green Grass of Home.
- Here's another safety tip.
Do not attempt to roast weenies
on the rocket blasts at
Vandeneurg Air Force Base.
- Ohhh, whatsa matter darling?
What are you doing?
- I don't feel too good.
- Oh.
- Just came down with
a little touch of penicillin.
- Well Tyrone, how'd
ya like the quickies?
- Oh speaking of Gladys,
have you seen 'er?
How does she
look? (Dan chuckles)
- She's indescribable.
- Oh not really, I'd say
she's about five foot two,
hairnet, baggy dress.
- How do you do that
without moving your lips?
- No he was speaking.
- I was speaking.
(man mumbles)
- I can scarce contain
my anticipation.
Where is that raving beauty?
- Oh she's around
here somewhere.
- Try looking over at the park.
- Oh the park, oh I
fly on wings of love.
As the sailing ship
seek their dockings,
I see that hairnet and
wrinkled stockings.
Doo da doo doo doo doo.
(laughter)
- That's just beautiful.
- The dummy talked again.
(laughter)
- A friend of mine
told me to shoot first
and ask questions later.
I was gonna ask him why
but I had to shoot 'im first.
(laughter)
(applause)
(mellow music)
- Ohhh, hahahahaha.
Ohhhh, Gladys my
little bumpkin, hahaha.
Oh doo doo doon,
shall we do the dance
of the sixth heaven.
(Gladys groans)
(Tyrone laughs)
At last we are reunited, hahaha.
Oh tell me my blushing blossom,
have you missed me?
- Not so far.
Every time I swing I hit.
- Oh you smart little thing.
Speaking of swinging,
my passionate petunia.
Don't you think this
long deserved reunion
should lead to something?
- Yes, you come any
closer and it'll lead
to a concussion.
(laughter)
- You see her love
remains undimmed, hahaha.
Ah my dear, do you recall
those perfumed nights
of purple passion.
(Gladys gasps)
(boinging)
(Tyrone mumbles)
(Tyrone laughs)
Do you recollect those moments
of passionate madness?
(Gladys gasps)
(boinging)
(Tyrone laughs)
Do you remember
the name of my doctor?
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I could rock this chair
off the porch if I wanted to.
You know what?
Momma said Buster is just a dog
and he don't need clothes.
Just fur to keep warm.
And she's right.
I found an old fur coat
in Momma's cedar closet
and I took off all my clothes
and wrapped myself up in it
and played with Buster all day
in the mud and rain.
And I didn't get one bit cold.
(laughter)
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberries)
Hey my shoe fell off.
(whimsical music)
- I'm pleased to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
- Yes my Mold puts
the mold in your.
Excuse me, miss,
we're doing a commercial
for a detergent.
- Oh.
- Yes, you see, only
one of these socks,
a, b, c, d, and e, has
been washed in Mold.
Now can you tell me
which one is the cleanest?
- Oh love to.
Let me see now.
Um, now we have a, b, c, and d.
Oh you didn't give sock e to me.
- Anything ya say lady.
(whimsical music)
(water splashes)
(laughter)
- In the words of
Aristotle Onassis,
let me take you
away from all of this.
- In the words of
Jacqueline Onassis,
let me take all of
this away from you.
(laughter)
- What're you gonna
do for an encore?
(man laughs)
(water splashes)
(laughter)
I knew I shouldn't
have come back
on this show.
I knew they wouldn't
let me get away with it.
- Hellooooo.
(laughs)
Oh, do you like my dress?
(laughs)
Listen, last week these
were two dozen eggs.
(laughs)
Did you hear the one
about the confused chicken
who went out and
bought a Jewish mother?
(laughs)
- Allen it's
(high-pitched singing)
Now that's how ya do it.
- The Phantom is here.
(high-pitched singing)
The Phantom lady.
- Besides darling, I'm
sick of you imitating.
Especially when it's not funny.
(both laugh)
- Would you like to
see my Tuesday Weld?
- Aww, I'll tell ya what,
would you like to see
my Monday punch.
(Allen gasps)
(laughter)
- Trying to hit a woman.
- You kidding?
Allen, you're no woman.
- That's going to come
as a terrible shock to Boris.
- Not to mention your mother.
(laughter)
- You think she would like it?
- Oh Allen, dummy,
you're not the divine,
incredibly talented,
vivacious, tending on very slim,
gorgeous, Joanne Worley.
(laughs)
And you know what?
I'm gonna prove it.
Here go the curls.
- Oh no!
(ripping)
(both scream)
(Allen laughs)
- Let's check you out.
It's Charlie Brown.
(laughter)
- Ooh my wives, I love you all.
- Don't believe him.
I happen to know he's
been fooling around
with the Lennon Sisters.
(mellow music)
- The happiest day of my life
was when I said I do.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
(all laugh)
- Then you didn't.
(upbeat music)
- I wanna thank the
people of Laugh-In
for the treatment that
I've been given here.
They certainly
go outta their way
to be nice to someone
who can beat the hell
out of any of 'em.
(laughter)
- Mr Wayne is somewhat tasteful
but I do wish he could
be a little more ladylike.
(laughter)
(bell chimes)
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
Fun to be back where
the water's pouring
Laugh-In may be crackers
But it's never boring
Good to be back in Burbank
I miss it wherever I
go Roll out the carpet
Sing Hallelujah
Have a little somethin'
while we're sockin' it to ya
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people we
Good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really a wonderful show
We'll do the new song
And then a quickie
Then we'll swap a joke or two
With Dan and Dickie
We're gonna have a party
We'll fill up that
joke wall tonight
Bring on the dampness
And bring on the dumbness
I may tell a chicken joke
'Cause I'm an alumnus
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really a wonderful
Here's the guy we like the best.
Laugh-In's first
and favorite guest.
(applause)
Good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
Back with Miss Ruthie
Back with Miss Lily
Back all the people
who are fearless and silly
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
With all of the people I love
It's good to be back on Laugh-In
They'll check off
the list as we go
Be careful of trap doors Right
Watch out for water Right
Shun the fickle finger
And beware of
George Schlatter Whoo
It's good to be here on Laugh-In
It's really our favorite
I'm gonna savor it
Really our favorite
I'm gonna pay for it
Really our favorite show
(applause)
- If man cannot
live by bread alone
he should eat it with a friend.
- Sir the Indians are
preparing to attack.
How can we repel 'em?
(mellow music)
- Put a Jim Neighbor's
record on the PA system.
- [Man] Sir.
(laughter)
- Darling, come 'ere, come 'ere.
(both laughing)
You look great, you look great.
- Thank you.
- Why don't you stop
by my place a bit later.
All us viruses are
gonna get together,
we're gonna throw a headache.
(both laugh)
- Maybe I shouldn't
tell you this
but your boyfriend had his hand
on my knee all through dinner.
- Well he had his
other hand on my knee
all through dinner.
- So that's why he
ordered soup with a straw.
(laughter)
- Listen we try to
answer all your letters
and one of the
questions that you.
- All right, now just
stand in back of me
and the chances
are you won't get hurt.
(laughter)
All right I'm gonna
try it once more.
Now let 'em out.
(lion roars)
- Hold it, wait a minute.
What are you supposed to be?
- Well I'm either a lion tamer
or a lion dinner.
(laughter)
- Well don't you think you
better make up your mind?
- What makes ya
think it's up to me?
(laughter)
(lion roaring)
- Rah!
- It looks to me as if the lion
has started on the
hors d'oeuvres already.
(lion roaring)
- You think I'm doin'
somethin' wrong?
- It looks to me like you're
doin' everything wrong.
How long ya been at this?
- I don't know, as
soon as I got in there
he ate my watch.
(Dan laughs)
- Hah!
- Wait a minute, now
Dick, why are you doing
a stupid thing like this?
- 'Cause it's in my blood.
- Lion taming is in your blood?
- No, stupidity.
- Stupidity is.
(laughter)
How did you get
started the lion business?
- Well somebody
sent me this book
on how to train wild animals.
- Oh I'd like to read it.
- Sure go ahead,
it's in with my watch.
- No I don't wanna read it.
(laughter)
And how do you go
about training a lion?
- Well every time he does
(laughs) you asked me how
to train a lion.
- Yeah how do you train a lion?
(both laughing)
- Every time he
does somethin' wrong.
(laughs)
I give 'em a whole leg of lamb.
- Well.
(laughs)
- A whole leg of lamb.
- Well doesn't he
like the leg of lamb?
- Not up his nose.
(both laugh)
(laughter)
Okay, get 'im ready.
Here put this blindfold on me.
- On you or on me?
- No, put it on me.
- No, no, I wanna
see this, go ahead.
- I can't stand
the sight of blood.
Put it on me.
(laughter)
- Hah!
(lion roars)
Okay let 'im out.
(laughter)
(applause)
- I shoulda put
on the blindfold.
- Boy that was a close one.
Boy I'll get even
with you guys for this.
- What's the matter?
- Oh they let the mean one out.
(laughter)
- Henry Gibson, baby.
- Johnny, hello, how are you?
- Hey you know I got
your old dressing room.
- No kidding?
- And I found a pair of
shoes that ya left there.
- Oh you know I've been
lookin' all over for these shoes.
- Well here.
- Son of gun.
- Here they are.
- Ha, ohhhh, well they're
not exactly the same pair
but they'll sure
make me look taller.
- 12 feet tall.
(Henry laughs)
- Hey Teresa, it's a
delight to see ya here.
- Yeah it's nice to see
her here too, I'll tell ya.
(Teresa giggles)
- Thank you, ya know
I've noticed something.
- What's that?
- We haven't said a word
about Burbank tonight.
- Oh we don't do those
Burbank jokes anymore.
- No?
- No, Burbank's changed.
They've got a
new cultural center.
- Ohhhh.
- Oh sure.
- New boiler works.
- Yeah.
- In the same building?
- No, no, I told ya
Burbank has changed.
- Yeah you oughta
see the new hospital.
(sirens wailing)
- Emergency, emergency,
Doctor Fletcher, Doctor Fletcher.
- I'm never gonna
get this room finished.
(laughter)
- Doctor look at this.
- Are you kidding nurse?
What's the emergency?
This woman's pregnant.
- No, this is a man.
- Oh boy is this gonna hurt.
- No, no, no, no
that's not the problem.
See he's got a bowling
ball stuck on his hand.
- Yeah and this hand
doesn't look too good either.
(man grunts)
- What're you gonna do doctor?
- Well I think I'll probably go
for the spare and then operate.
Uhhh, let me think.
Nurse, the anesthetic.
- You got it.
Lullaby and good night
- Hurry it up,
hurry it up nurse.
With roses you feel (mumbling)
(boinging)
- Don't get mean.
- God bless ya sweetheart.
Now, I think I'm
ready, I'll scrub up.
- You got it.
- Did you hear that?
Years of training.
- Here's your scrub up.
(water splashes)
(laughter)
- Thank you very
much and now a scalpel.
- You've got it, one
scalpel coming up.
- Don't worry I've
done a lotta this.
- Don't hurt yourself doctor.
(nurse giggles)
- Ya know nurse, I
don't like the sound
of his heart.
It doesn't sound too good to me.
(nurse laughs)
- Doctor that's not his heart.
(laughs)
- Well in that case his liver
doesn't sound too good.
(laughter)
But I think he's gonna
be all right, nurse.
So take him to
the recovery room.
- Terrific, see ya later, doc.
(laughter)
- Hey what seems
to be your problem?
- You see, I've got this
bowling ball stuck on my hand.
- Ya know that's the
second one today.
Hey nurse, I think
we got an epidemic.
(laughter)
- Doctor quick, we've
gotta get to work.
We finally found the transplant
for Toulouse-Lautrec.
(laughter)
- Listen I would like
to personally apologize
to all my friends in
Burbank for that sketch.
I happen to love
Burbank and I never miss
the 4th of July celebration
when the mayor gets
to the Burbank cemetery
and lays a six-pack
on the tomb of the
unknown bowler.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Compost is Better
Than No Post at All.
(laughter)
By Henry Gibson.
If you are what you eat,
then here's what I am.
Alfalfa, papaya, wheat
germ, and SPAM.
Mulch.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- The Sky, by John Wayne.
The sky is blue,
the grass is green.
Get off your butt
and join the Marines.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
(applause)
- You got gold
ones in there too.
(laughs)
- Jo Jo.
- One, two, three.
- Joanne?
- Do you see all his
gold teeth in there?
You must be worth a fortune.
(both laugh)
- Be with ya in
just a minute folks.
- No wonder Dolly loves you.
(both laugh)
- Joanne.
- No ring though, that's
why you keep your hand
in the pocket.
That's not what I heard, Dick.
- Joanne.
(both laugh)
- Dan Rowan!
- Yes.
- Oh how's Adriana?
- She's just.
- The kids?
- What have you been doing?
- What happened to your chin?
- I bit it.
- What have you
been doin' lately?
- Well I have been
doing all the talk shows.
Johnny Carson, Dick
Cavett, and Lawrence Welk.
Hi Henry.
- Hold it a minute.
- Yes?
- Lawrence Welk's
not a talk show.
- You're kidding.
(laughs)
I don't know but
when I'm on the show
all voila it's a talk show.
(upbeat music)
- And now we present our
totally perfected presentation
of robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
Robot theatre.
- My darling.
- [Man] My darling.
(mellow music)
Here, let me take your wrap.
(mellow music)
(curtain ripping)
(laughter)
(gonging)
- Thank you.
- I'll hang it on the coat rack.
Would you care to dance?
- I'd love to.
- Good, I'll put a record on.
(mellow music)
(banging)
How do you like it?
It's Mantovani.
(laughter)
- It's beautiful.
- Let's dance.
(laughter)
Let's get better acquainted.
- What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
(lips smacking)
(thumping)
(laughter)
I'm leaving, where's my coat?
(curtain ripping)
(thudding)
(mellow music)
I saw you last night
And got that old feeling
Borrrrred - Who
cares, kiss me Allen.
(Joanne laughs)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, beautiful
downtown Burbank?
What?
You have an obscene phone call
for Elizabeth Taylor?
(gasps)
Oh well I'll try
but I don't think she'll
accept it Mr. Burton.
(laughter)
- Tiny, your wedding took place
on The Tonight Show right?
Has it had any affect
on your marriage?
- Not really, except
every so often
I've gotta break in
for a commercial.
(laughter)
- Oh-Ho, oh I wonder
what it would be like
to be married to a
man like John Wayne.
Oh he's so big and handsome.
Oh, oh he'd be just wonderful.
(mellow music)
(snoring)
Oh Duke, you're home.
- That's right, kid.
(laughter)
Ya know, we gotta
get a new hat rack.
This one's got the funniest
lookin' legs I ever saw.
(laughter)
- Oh Duke, why are you
still wearing that eye patch?
- 'Cause when I do, kid,
you don't look half bad.
(laughter)
- Oh stop it, Duke,
and look at me.
Can't you see what I need?
- I sure can, kid.
And here it is, a
nice lumpa sugar.
- Ohh, I'll give you some lumps.
(thumping) (laughter)
Say stop, I don't wanna
do this to the man.
(laughter)
- Sire, try to understand.
- But this is ridiculous.
They can't all have a headache.
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- [Cast] Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary!
- Well Dick, are you
enjoyin' tonight's reunion
as much as I am?
- You bet and so
is this audience.
Just look at them.
They're fascinated.
(whimsical music)
- Say Tiny, do
you ever use a pick
on your ukulele?
- Only when it gets food
in between the strings.
(gonging)
- Duke I can't tell
you how happy I am
you're here for the anniversary
of the hundredth show.
- And that goes
for all of us too.
- I wouldn't of missed it
for all the scotch in China.
- I think you mean tea.
- No I mean scotch,
I don't drink tea.
- Ho-Ho well in that
case let's get Mr. Wayne
a nice hot cuppa scotch
and start the party.
- Right.
(upbeat music)
- My psychiatrist says I
have a split personality.
But I don't believe 'im.
And I don't either.
(upbeat music)
- Well now that I'm
going to have a baby.
(laughs)
Boris says working is
absolutely out of the question.
So guess what?
Tomorrow he's quitting his job.
(upbeat music)
- I still marvel at
the ancient miracle
where water was
turned into wine.
- Oh yes but I would
marvel even more
if today someone could
turn the water into water.
(upbeat music)
- I bet President Nixon
loves his summer home
in California and his
winter house in Florida.
- Yeah but what
he would really like
is a Republican
house in Washington.
(upbeat music)
- Oh it's getting
so it's not safe
to walk the streets anymore.
Everywhere you
look there's a cop.
(upbeat music)
- Now that's what
I call a cuppa tea.
(upbeat music)
- Well in old country is
absolutely no censorship.
- Right, oh well how
did your people feel
about President Nixon's
trip to Red China?
What was their reaction?
- What trip?
(man laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I understand school's are
having attendance problems
at sex education classes.
- Oh they sure are.
At our school out of 25
students 173 showed up.
(upbeat music)
- I know of a monastery
that requires its monks
to take the vow of silence.
- And how is it working?
- Haven't heard any complaints.
(upbeat music)
- Hey Allen, I'm gonna
give you two choices.
- Oh.
- Would you rather go to the
1972 Democratic convention
or a turkey raffle?
(Allen laughs)
- Okay I've got that.
Now what's my second choice?
(upbeat music)
- Ya now I'd like to
show you something
up at my place you really
wouldn't expect to find there.
- Ooh what?
- You baby.
- Ooh.
(upbeat music)
- Our club recently
raised enough funds
to send a group of poor children
out to the country.
Next year we hope
to collect enough
to bring them back.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Oh ho ho, Tiny Tim isn't it?
(laughs)
Listen darling, tell me.
How do you always manage to keep
such a beautiful complexion?
- Well once a week I have
a cleaning woman come in.
- Devil!
(upbeat music)
- I wouldn't of
missed this party
for all the tea in Scotland.
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(whimsical music)
Corporal we attack at dawn.
- But Chief Sittin' Bull says
if you call off the
attack he'll give you one
of his daughters.
- Which daughter?
Dancing Flower?
- No, Sleepin' Buffalo.
- We attack at dawn.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend
must not be hungry.
He didn't touch a
thing on the table.
- Well he touched
enough under the table.
- Next time keep your
knees on the table.
(laughter)
- Oh have I got a
terrible headache.
- Oh dear, what caused it?
- Oh I got hit in the head
with this big, dumb aspirin.
(laughter)
- Hi guys.
- Hi Teresa.
- It's great to be
back with ya again.
- Hey I saw your new
show last Tuesday
and your funny
side looked great.
- Oh.
- Your other side didn't
look bad either, ya know.
(all laugh)
- Come on, Dick.
- Oh that's okay, that's okay.
As long as he
doesn't take sides.
(laughter)
- Pardon, ohhhhh.
My vision of beauty is here.
This is the last
time I will try this.
(mellow music)
Harken to me my little dove.
(clears throat)
Tippee tippee tong, tippee tong.
(tapping)
(Gladys gasps)
- Oh!
- Jolted into your
lethargy didn't I, you yo-yo?
(tapping)
Dance, dance, dance you.
Betty Grable you'll
never be, ya know that.
- Ohhhh.
- Ha-Ha, well Gladys.
Gladys my little poppy seed.
- Ohhhhh.
- My little caraway bun.
(laughs)
How would you like to
come to my waiting arms?
- Oh!
(thumping)
(laughter)
How would you, that's
only one arm left now.
How would you like to
come to my apartment?
(Gladys gasps) (Tyrone laughs)
(throat clearing)
- Ha ha ha, how would you
like to come to my funeral?
(laughter)
Ohhhhh, uh-oh my
sciatic nerve, ohhh, ohhh.
(laughter)
Ohhhhh.
(upbeat music)
- One of my parishioners
recently attended church
in Las Vegas.
He put a quarter in
the collection plate
and won $16, two free drinks,
and an eight to
five shot at heaven.
(laughter)
- Hey we here you love
raising flowers, Tiny.
- Oh that's right,
in fact I have
to drink two glasses
of water every day.
- I don't get the connection.
- I have a tulip
growing in my stomach.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- I Saw a Little Birdie.
By Henry Gibson.
I saw a little birdie
go hop, hop, hop.
And I said little birdie
won't ya stop, stop, stop?
Oh birdie please
stop, stop your hoppin'.
Stop your hoppin'.
But he wouldn't.
(laughter)
(thudding)
(laughter)
(applause)
- I'm pleased to meet
ya Mr. Tim (groans)
- Sire, a gift from
the Sultan of Burbank.
- Send it back.
(Gladys gasps)
(bonking)
(woman laughs)
(whimsical music)
- Tiny why do you
carry your ukulele
in that paper bag?
- I have to, my
piano won't fit in it.
(laughter)
- Sir the Indians
have come to trade.
- Good, see if you can
get me two Willie Mays
for one Vida Blue.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend's so
old that when we drove
to Lover's Lane he ran outta gas
before the car did.
(laughs)
- I'm so used to
beating up people
in black hats that I don't
trust myself around nuns.
(laughter)
- Ya know Judy I can't tell you
what a pleasure it
is to have you back
on the show.
- Aww, thanks Dan.
- That goes double for me.
- Certainly.
In fact we have a small
gift of appreciation for you.
- Oh you do?
- The wrapping's neat huh?
- Oh yeah cute.
- Dick's special job.
- I did it.
- Mmm-Hmm, mmm-hmm, what is it?
- Well it's a lamp.
- That's not a lamp
that's just a socket.
- You're just giving
a socket to me?
(whimsical music)
You're just giving me?
(water splashes)
(laughter)
Now that's what I
call real drip-dry.
(whimsical music)
We are ladies who
are plan plan planning
To be can can canning
While the news report
is Dick and Danning
So nobody better
slum slum slumber
When our num num
number has begun
Quel dumb And getting dumber
But the news across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse you
We just love to make you amused
Ooh la la la
Monsieur and Madam
laugh and looks at the
News with Dick and Dan
(applause) (upbeat music)
- [Gary] And now it's time
for the Laugh-In news with
Howard Hughes unavailable.
Raquel Welch unbelievable.
Jimmy Hoffa unpardonable.
And Internal
Revenue unavoidable.
(laughter)
- And now here's
um, uh, Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Today the Great Zambini,
world famous sword swallower.
- [Dan] Yes he swallows swords.
- That's what he does.
That's why they call
him a sword swallower.
He was given an
honorary medical degree
for sneezing while
swallowing a three-foot sword.
And successfully
removing his gallbladder,
appendix, three toes.
And a partridge in a
pear tree (laughter)
And now for news of
the future here's Dane.
- [Dan] Uh Dan.
- Dan.
- Yes thank you.
News of the future.
July 4th, 1976.
The highlight of the
bicentennial celebration
of the Declaration of
Independence took place today
when the Liberty Bell
was rung by Oral Roberts.
The crack immediately healed.
(laughter)
- Here we are in
Denmark speaking
to the world famous
doctor who originated
the sex change operation.
Tell me doctor, would
you personally consider
changing your own sex?
- Not on your life.
- Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now for kid news for kids
we take you to Moosie
Dryer in a treehouse
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Butchie Math is no fun anymore.
He has a crush
on Phyllis Nelson.
And he says it's love.
And I say it's only infatuation.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
- And now to Moscow
for an interview
with a Russian worker.
- Sir, I understand that
you work in the Kremlin.
Now tell me how are
the working conditions?
(blows raspberries)
(laughter)
- It's dangerous.
Secret police
work it everywhere.
- Oh that's terrible.
- Not only that but everybody
is informing on each other.
- Oh that's awful.
- What's even worse, the borscht
in the cafeteria is lousy.
- Well then why don't you
complain to the Premier?
- Complain to the Premier?
(moans)
I am the Premier.
(laughter)
- News of the future
20 years from now.
The aging cast of
Laugh-In met tonight
to celebrate it's 1000th show
at NBC's Sun City.
- The program
opened as Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin introduced
their guest John Wayne,
who spent the rest
of the hour trying
to get on his horse.
(laughter)
- And that's the way it is,
Valentine's Day,
October third, 1903.
Ooh la la la (women moaning)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Mr. Wayne, why
did you ever agree
to do this show?
- Well I did it on
one condition.
That the producer
live up to his promise.
- What promise?
- To return my family unharmed.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend sent me
the greatest love letter.
It started out, my
sweetest angel.
- Listen sweetheart,
the greatest love letter
in the world begins
pay to the order of.
- At one time in life,
people used to point
at me on the street and laugh.
But now that I'm a big star,
those very same
people point at me
on the street and laugh.
(upbeat music)
(whimsical music)
- Sir I have a report.
The Indians are on
the warpath again.
(whimsical music)
- Gives you a
stupid idea like that?
(thumping)
(laughter)
- Wow, what did you
have to do for that?
- Oh it's something I didn't do.
I didn't call his wife.
- Oh you devil.
- What are you doing?
Oh darling not tonight please.
I'm giving a headache.
Take that.
- Tiny Tim is a
rather unusual name.
- I know but Tiny Tim
isn't my real name.
- Oh well what is
your real name?
- Engelbert Humperdinck.
(laughter)
(whimsical music)
- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.
You can mess with my hair
and you can mess with my dress.
Mess with my
little body and I hit.
Or I kick.
Or I bite.
(crunching)
- Well when I play
a hero in Western
and some tough gunslinger
gets the drop on me,
I just let him have it.
- Have what?
- Well anything he wants.
I'm a hero but I'm no fool.
(laughter)
- Where'd ya say
wanted to go honey?
Hey Father, I beg your pardon.
- That's all right my child.
- Where to, the bank?
Haha, no offense Father.
- No, no, no St. Patrick's
Cathedral please.
- St. Pat's Cathedral
we're on our way.
Ashes in the ash
tray, feet on the floor.
You like the fuzzy dice?
That's my touch.
I'm sick about
the license though.
Lousy picture.
And I don't want you to
worry about nothin' Father.
I got good old St.
Christopher right up here
in the front.
- Haven't you heard my child?
Christopher's no longer a saint.
- Well in that case
you better buckle
your safety belt.
I never drove this
thing on my own before.
(laughter)
No offense.
Hey Father listen.
I got a confession to make.
- Well you've come
to the right person.
- Yeah I figure it may
brighten up your day.
No offense.
When I was a kid I
always wanted to be a nun.
Unfortunately I didn't
have a twin sister.
- Well what does
having a twin sister
got to do with being a nun?
- Oh you know how
you always see 'im goin'
around in pairs?
(laughter)
- They Say by John Wayne.
They say I'm tough.
They say I'm bossy.
But I found a friend.
In my big brown horsey.
(laughter)
(mellow music)
Let's give a cheer
for Women's lib
Forget that story
about Adam's rib
Let's hear a loud hoorah
For the girls who
burned their bra
(upbeat music)
- Sir there are Indians
all around the fort.
They got us surrounded.
We're in trouble.
- Whatta ya mean we?
Pale face.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Look what my
boyfriend just gave me.
- What did it cost?
- A weekend in Miami Beach.
- I hear your husband
got a promotion.
- Oh yes, you see
he's really going up
in the world.
(clears throat)
Now he's a pain in the neck.
(laughs)
- Hey we got these
terrific performers together
we could do a heck of a show.
- Ya dingbat we
just got 'em together
and it was a heck of a show.
- Son of gun, Aunt
Louise never misses.
- Say goodnight Dick.
(Dick gasps)
- Get that outta your
mouth you'll burn your beard.
- Say goodnight.
- Goodnight Dick.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- [All] Goodnight Saieb Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dan.
- Goodnight Dan.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight anybody.
- You little Dresden Doll you.
- Don't kiss on the mouth.
That's naughty for girls.
- That's my gloss.
(mellow music)
Goodnight Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight Dick.
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Night Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
(water splashes)
I still love ya anyway.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Dick.
(thumping)
(upbeat music)
- Joanne, when you're in Burbank
do you know how
to visit the city hall?
- Barbara, of course,
you just get the key
from the attendant
at the gas station.
(laughter)
- University of
Burbank is the only one
in the country that
gives a degree in burp.
(laughter)
- Hey Teresa.
Remember when Burbank
was a one-horse town?
- Uh yes wasn't
it last Thursday?
(Johnny laughs)
- Artie, it's easy to spot
the rich families in Burbank.
- Oh yeah, yeah, they
have two abandoned cars
in front of their house.
(laughter)
- The mayor of Burbank's
limousine was out
of service today.
The horse threw a shoe.
(laughter)
- Do you know Dennis - Yes.
That Burbank Nun Hotel
has double its capacity?
- Really Judy?
- Yes, they've added a room.
- Ohh, Burbank
Symphony Orchestra
had to call off its concert
because the
soloist lost the tissue
from his paper comb.
(laughter)
- Wait a minute,
doesn't anybody have
a good word for Burbank?
- [All] Good-bye.
- Very intersert.
Umm, very I-I-I-guh.
(laughter)
What's that word?
Very, very, I've
been saying that word
all these years and
suddenly I got a blanc.
Isn't that interesting.
(laughter)
It's weird, it
really is, it's weird.
The weird, it's the
weirdest thing I ever saw.
- You called Mr. Wolfgang?
(laughter)
- No I didn't call Mr. Wolfgang.
But now that you're
here maybe I'd better.
Say un-guh-lee-guh-guh-buh-ble.
It's you, you're
the guy what sings.
I know that, goosestep
through the tulips.
I know that song.
Goosestep through the tulips?
That's not the way I do it.
- Well that's the way we did it
and it didn't work then either.
(laughter)
What is your real name?
- Tiny Tim.
- Tiny Tim.
(laughs)
You got a sense of humor.
Boy good, listen Hiney,
why don't you join me
and a few of the old
gang at our re-umion?
- Oh I'd love to.
I've never been in Argentina.
- Good, good,
go, go on go find it.
Find it, go boy.
Like a dachshund with a helmet.
(laughs)
I hope he doesn't
show up really.
Ya know what they say.
Too many cuckoos
spoil the re-u-min-um.
Just like this one
was just spoiled
because I couldn't
remember the word interesting.
That's the word!
- This program was pre-recorded.
That means they shot it
a couple of weeks ago.
Sure is takin' it
a long time to die.
(upbeat music)
(crunching)
(boinging)
(upbeat music)
(gun fires)
(upbeat music)
(clapping)