Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 10 - Episode #5.10 - full transcript
(whip snaps)
- 38!
- Ah!
- 39! (whip snaps)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- 40! (whip snaps)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Now, is there anyone else
who didn't sell all
their raffle tickets?
(audience laughing)
(crunching)
(audience laughing)
(door slams)
(metallic tinkling)
(audience laughing)
- From now on, I promise to be
more tolerant of my fellow man.
- Oh, that's a great promise.
- Who asked you?
(blow landing)
(audience laughing)
- How are you?
- Fine, Dot.
- Is that all you gonna
have today, one lightbulb?
(lightbulb clattering)
(audience laughing)
- You broke it.
- Well, I'll knock
off a damn 23 cents.
That comes to 66 cents.
(audience laughing)
(silly off-key music)
(water hissing)
(audience laughing)
- Now let me see.
You don't type,
and you don't take shorthand,
and you don't understand
the switchboard.
Um, how's 200 a week to start?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy!
- Say, before I pull the switch,
do you have any last requests?
- Yes.
How 'bout Melancholy
Baby? (audience laughing)
- Dad, I'm the fastest
gun in the West.
- I'm sorry to
tell you this, son,
but I'm the fastest
gun in the west.
(gun fires) (gun fires)
(audience laughing)
- Well, at least we
won't have any more
of these silly family arguments.
- Gimme a D.
Gimme a D.
Gimme a D D T.
(coughs) (audience laughing)
- Hi, Mr. Mullen.
I have a coupla things to trade.
- Yeah?
- First is...
A mint condition
book on birth control.
Never even been read!
- What's the second item?
- 17 pairs of baby shoes.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, pardon me miss.
Could you tell me a little about
your speed reading course?
- Yessir wehavelessons
threenightsaweek...
Fromseventonine...
(audience laughing)
forafullthreemonths
atwhichtime youallgraduate
andbecomeexperts
inthecommercialworld.
(knocking) (whooshing)
(crashing) (glass clattering)
(knocking)
- Come in!
(audience laughing)
- Yes, sir?
Did you have an appointment?
(audience laughing)
- The thing I hate
about being on Laugh-In
is that everything is so rushed.
They don't even
give you a chance
to finish a complete para...
(gavel bangs)
- Going, going, gone!
(audience laughing)
- Look at this table
you sold me. (clatters)
- What's wrong with it?
(audience tittering)
- Can you fix it?
- Sure. Hold that.
(hammer pounding)
(audience laughing)
It fall off now?
- Well ladies and gentlemen,
before we go any further,
we'd like you all to meet
tonight's special guest.
He's the star of Broadway's
Last Of The Red Hot Lovers...
- A fine actor: Mr. James Coco.
- Oh yeah! (applauding)
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is a real kick to be here
on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, come
over here where the folks
can get a good
look at ya. (laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, what's been
happenin' to ya lately, huh?
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is nice to be here on
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- I-I think he's
a little nervous.
- Oh, don't be silly.
Big Broadway actor
James Coco, nervous?
- Just the same,
ah... I think we oughtta
give him a little
something to relax him.
- Not a bad idea.
- Here ya go, Jimmy.
Drink it right down.
There you go.
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
- Aah!
- Sure is nice to be here
on Rowan and Martin's...
- I-I can see why he's
considered such a pro.
- Why is that?
- He never forgets a line.
- You're right.
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is nice to be here on
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Mortuary and Dance Hall,
NBC, the Nervous But
Committed Network,
preempts a planned hour
of silence and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
frequently-demanded Dan Rowan,
and the constantly-demented
Dick Martin,
with special guest
star Jimmy Coco
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin!
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson, and Larry Hovis!
(bright music) (applauding)
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this special word
for those in constant need
of aspirin tablets
and painkillers:
take two headaches and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
Pardon me, madam.
What do you think of
new, improved Gurgle?
- I hate it, but I
use it twice a day.
- [Gary] You do?
- Yeah. Once in the
morning to unclog the sink
and once at night
to wash the dog.
(audience laughing)
- There are a great many
things wrong with television today,
but since we're short of
time, here are just two of 'em:
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applauding) (bright music)
- Thank you.
Boy, they're really
wild out there tonight.
Thank you, and good evening...
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
It's coming to me.
You were going to say
'ladies and gentlemen.'
Is that right, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Well of course that's right.
- Ah-hah! The Great
Ricardo never misses.
- The Great Ricardo?
(audience laughing)
What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about esp.
- What?
- That's what I'm... I have esp!
- You have E S P.
- That's a good way to spell it.
(audience laughing)
- That's not spelling it.
ESP. It stands for
extra-sensory perception,
the ability to transmit
and receive thoughts.
- Funny you
should bring that up.
- I didn't.
- It happened to me...
Last night at Sylvia's.
I actually projected my
thoughts to her brain.
- And she... she knew
what you were thinking?
- She must have.
She slapped my face
and asked me to leave.
(audience laughing)
- She didn't get any vibrations.
- No, I told you.
She slapped my face
and asked me to leave.
- That's not ESP.
With ESP, why, you could...
Thoughts can be transported
over great distances.
- Oh, I can do that.
Watch this now, watch.
I'm getting something...
I'm getting something.
- What? What are you getting?
- I'm getting a headache
from pinching my forehead,
(audience laughing)
that's what I'm getting.
- See, you don't know anything
about ESP except dumb jokes.
- Hah! I laugh on your tie, sir.
Hah! (audience laughing)
- Oh, stop that.
- Watch this now.
I'm getting a message.
- A message?
- A message; it's from
James Henderson.
- From James Henderson?
- "Help.
"Get me out of here."
- He's in prison?
- No, he's in Cleveland.
(laughing)
- There ya go, your dumb jokes.
- All right, all
right, all right.
The Great Ricardo
will demonstrate...
His amazing mental powers.
- Amazing mental powers.
- Give me an object
and I'll tell you what it is.
- Any?
- Just any object at all.
Any object. May
I have an object?
- All right.
- Could I have an object?
- He sees all...
- Are you going to...?
- Here, there.
- I see...
Oh. There's an object.
- Yes, now. It's an easy one.
- No, it's a hard one.
Gimme a hint.
- Well, I'm gonna give you...
All right, here's a hint.
- All right, it's a hint.
- It's not a hint, you dummy.
- It's not a hint.
It's a dummy!
- It's not a dummy.
(audience laughing)
- It's not a dummy!
- All right, listen
to me carefully.
- Right.
- Take your time.
- Uh, take your time.
It's not a dummy, right?
- No no, it's not a dummy.
- It's not a dummy.
- Take your time!
- Time, time, well gimme a hint!
- I'm givin' you a hint!
(audience laughing)
I just gave it to you:
Take your time.
- Gimme another hint!
- All right, how...
Would you like a hand?
- It's a hand!
- It's not a hand.
- It's not a hand!
- Think for a second.
- It's a second hand!
- You're getting warmer.
- Ah, it's a fireplace!
- It's not a fireplace!
(audience laughing)
There's another...
Watch your step.
- It's a step!
- It's not a step.
- It's not a step!
- Take your time,
watch your step.
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
- I wish you'd
shut that watch off.
I can't hear myself
think. (audience laughing)
- Look, it's round, it
has a leather strap.
- It's a barber chair!
(audience laughing)
- It's not a barber chair.
- It's not a barber chair!
- This late-breaking item.
Today, a well-known Hollywood
stunt man fell off the wagon.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Nabb,
and I'm five years old,
and I don't ever have to
say nothing if I don't want to.
(audience tittering)
You know what?
Mama said, "If a person
eats too much candy,
"that person will
get very sick."
So I went to Junior
Phillip's house,
and picked up all his candy,
and went in the
yard, and ate it all up.
He's my boyfriend, and I
don't want him to get sick.
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Jimmy. Ready to go?
It's time for the party.
- Oh, I love parties.
- Say, before we go, Jimmy,
I must say, you look great.
You've lost weight, haven't you?
- I have, 20 pounds.
- Funny, you don't look it.
- I hate fat jokes.
(audience laughing)
(bright music)
- Y'know somethin'?
If postal rates get any higher,
soon it's gonna be cheaper
mailing a letter by cab.
(audience laughing)
(bright music)
(cackling) (audience laughing)
- Y'know, you look like
a real intelligent person.
- I do, Lula?
- Yeah,
You bear quite a
resemblance to Albert Einstein.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- In the old days, young
Indians really had it rough.
Have you ever tried
hugging and kissing
in the backseat
of buffalo? Whoo.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Some people feel
that congressmen
should serve a four-year term.
But I say, not unless
they get called.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Y'know, I was gonna take
a physical fitness course
from Jack LaLanne, but they
didn't have a gym my size.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Oh.
I hear the vice-president
is spearheading
an ecology drive for the
recycling of newspapers.
The rumor is, he wants to start
by shredding the New York Times,
(audience laughing)
before it hits the stands.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Well, kids.
I went to the department store,
and bought a Howard Hughes doll.
Well, can you believe this?
I got home and opened the box,
and there was nothing in it!
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- On our honeymoon,
Richard told me
he loved my new negligee.
And to tell you the truth,
he really did look cute in it.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- You know, our
government is now
going to pay Turkish
farmers not to grow
one of their major
crops, opium poppies.
(audience laughing)
Without it, I guess they'll
start referring to their
country as cold Turkey.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Oh my, I'm so tired
when I get home from work.
All I wanna do is just...
Put some clothes on and relax.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Dick, I think the only thing
you're interested in is my body.
- That's not true, Wanda.
I'm also interested in
hers, and hers, and hers.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- We believe in bringing
religion to the people,
so now, we have a mobile church.
And, to make things
even more realistic,
right behind it, we
have a U-Haul cemetery.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Y'know, I went duck
hunting the other day
with a machine gun.
- How many ducks did you get?
- I only got one, but
I got 'im 300 times.
- Mm. Y'know, I
hate fat jokes too.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
(applauding)
- Permission to short-sheet
the scullery maid, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Is it something you
find around the house?
- Yes.
- It's a lawnmower!
- No.
- A paddleboard!
- No.
- Shuffleboard!
- Well, I... excuse me.
I certainly hope you
enjoyed your meal.
- Oh, sure.
- Oh yes.
I'm getting it this time.
- Oh, no no. It's on me.
- No, no.
- I insist!
- You let me...
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
(glass breaking)
(table clattering)
- Hey, here's your money, pal.
- Oh, I sure enjoyed lunch.
- This service is terrific!
(audience laughing)
(quiet piano music)
- A two-dollar tip!
Hey, hope you guys come back!
(audience laughing)
(applauding)
- Between your
elbow and your hand.
- It's a glove!
It's not a glove; it's a mitten!
Uh, three little kittens,
lost their mittens!
(liquid gurgling)
(lid claps on table)
(audience laughing)
- Your dog is sick again?
Oh, well... all right,
I'll be right over.
Bye-bye.
- Oh, Harry darling.
- Yes dear?
- When it comes to taking
care of animals, honestly.
- Ah.
- You're just a natural.
- Oh, I know.
(audience laughing)
- I'll get the door.
(bag clatters against wall)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Now you be careful.
- It's a gift you'd
get for graduation.
- A draft notice!
(audience laughing)
A leaky pen!
- No, stop.
- Tony Curtis, baby!
Hey you know, I saw your
new TV show, The Persuaders.
- Yeah.
- Hey,
You're filming that in London,
Aren't you?
- Right.
- How's the weather over there?
- Well, I don't know;
it's too foggy to see.
(audience laughing)
- Guess what, darling?
The party has chosen me
as a candidate for governor.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Mm, that's wonderful!
- I guess they finally
realized I'm a man
who is scrupulously
honest and morally upright.
- Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Let's go out and celebrate.
- Oh, I'd love to, honey...
But my wife will be
waiting up for me.
- Then let's stay
in and celebrate!
- Oh, really? (laughs)
- Hi kids!
(squealing)
- Hi Uncle Al!
- Oh. (audience laughing)
Uncle Al had a lotta
medicine last night.
Ah, here's Uncle Al!
And today, I'm going to answer
one of your many requests!
- [Priscilla] Oh, he's
gonna drop dead!
- Priscilla, you're
really a bummer.
(audience laughing)
Uncle Al is going
to do a magic trick!
Isn't that fun?
- [Children] No!
- [Priscilla] Boring!
- Boring? I've been working
on magic tricks all night
with Miss Twinkle, and
that's the respect I get?
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm really sweating
quite a bit here.
Anyway, I'm going to
pour the water into the...
Oh, my hand is
really shaky here.
(audience laughing)
(water gurgling)
Pour the water into the hat.
And now, I'll say
the magic word,
and the water will disappear.
What's the magic word?
Oh, the magic word is...
Dry up! (laughs)
See, it's all gone.
- [Priscilla] It sure is,
(screaming) Uncle Al.
(laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
- I certainly hope you
enjoyed this dinner, my dear.
(toupee splashing)
(audience laughing)
- It has a face
with numbers on it.
- Ah, it's a prisoner!
A prisoner of love!
It's Perry Como!
Billy Eckstine!
(bright music)
- All right, X12.
You're to deliver these
documents to our man in Istanbul.
- Istanbul?
- That's right.
- Got it.
- My assistant here...
Will have to chain
them to your wrist.
You know the security drill.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right Wacker,
chain him up.
(chain clinking)
X12, you'll pick up Agent
Bascomb here in the lounge.
- Bascomb, here in
the lounge. Got that.
- She'll pose as your wife.
You're on your way, X12.
- Uh-huh.
- Good hunting.
- Thank you.
- Come on, Wacker.
Let's go.
(chain clattering)
(men exclaiming)
- Th-The key?
- The key? Oh.
- Is in Istanbul.
- Is in Istanbul.
(audience laughing)
Well, do what you can.
Wacker, try and
stay out of sight.
X12, good hunting.
- Thank you sir...
(audience laughing)
Ah, there's Miss Bascomb.
Get behind me, Wacker.
- Darling!
- Oh, dear.
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Oh, to see you like this
sends cold chills up my spine.
- That's not cold
chills; that's my nose.
- Table for two?
- Right this way.
- You think maybe
you can make it three?
- I'll have a martini.
- Make that two.
- Don't suppose you
could make it three.
- Very good. (audience laughing)
- Who is this man?
- She noticed.
- You wouldn't believe what
happened to me
today at the office.
I'll explain it later.
Shall we dance, darling?
- I'd love to.
- I'd love to.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you dance divinely.
- Thank you very much.
- I think our drinks are here.
Shall we sit?
- All right.
- Certainly.
- Wait a minute.
- You're...
- Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
- I got it.
(all panting)
- Well, here's to our success.
- So just what is going
on around here anyway?
- Well...
- X12?
- Yeah.
- Agent Bascomb.
I'm Z6, remember?
- Yes.
- Well, where is it this time?
- Istanbul. And you?
- Hm. Argentina.
- Oh, good luck.
- Well, I'm gonna need it.
You wouldn't believe
what happened to me
at the office today.
(audience laughing)
(merry flute music)
I'm Popeye the
sailor man, toot toot
I'm waitin' for Dick
and Dan, toot toot
Though spinach delights me
Those two sure excites me
I'm Popeye the sailor
What's the news
across the nation
Here's what the information
Would be in all of and
Strictly just hope
will amuse News
(merry flute music)
We just love To give
you abuse La di da
Swabbies on tour
Popeye looks at the news
With Dick and Dan (applauding)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Ann Southern up north;
Mr. and Mrs. North, down south;
Adam West, back east;
Clint Eastwood, up westward.
With a pickle in the middle
and the mustard on top.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First, with the news of
the present, here's Dick.
- Dateline, Columbus, Ohio.
At a dinner here last night,
Mr. Jack Harrell of the
Food and Drug Administration
denied charges
that modern additives
are altering the nature of meat.
Mr. Harrell's remarks
were briefly interrupted
when the steak he was eating
got off his plate and
walked out of the room.
(audience laughing)
Dateline, Arizona.
An unfortunate
accident took place today
at the Grand Canyon,
where Jackie Gleason
is currently filming
his latest picture.
During one of the
scenes, Gleason tripped,
fell into the canyon, and
was stuck for six hours.
(audience laughing)
Dateline, Atlantic
City, New Jersey.
The first totally liberated
Miss America Pageant
took place today,
after years of pressure
from formerly-excluded groups.
The winner, Miss Dawn LeTouche,
formerly Mr. Frank
Swenson of Denmark,
captured the judges' hearts
with her song and
dance version of
I've Looked At Love
From Both Sides Now.
(audience laughing)
That's what she did.
And now, with news of
the future, here's Dan.
- I'd like to have seen that.
Cape Kennedy, 20...
- [Dick] Come over to
my house sometime.
- (laughs) Cape Kennedy,
20 years from now.
Well, the historic
first flight to the moon,
in which an American
astronaut and Russian cosmonaut
are sharing the same capsule,
continue to go smoothly today
over some 25,000
miles out into space.
The event is even more
dramatic because today,
the American astronaut
radioed Cape Kennedy
that the Russian had
climbed into his lap
and asked for political asylum.
(audience laughing)
- [Dick] Seems a long way to...
- Yes, it sure did
go on and on there.
(audience laughing)
Wait 'til you get a load
of this one, sports fans.
Dateline, Tel Aviv,
10 years from now.
The entire Arab nation
launched a massive,
all-out attack on Israel,
but were not able to
penetrate its borders.
They made the mistake
of attacking on Saturday,
and Israel was closed.
(audience laughing)
Saigon, five years from now.
Because aging President
Thu once again ran unopposed,
the Vietnamese people showed
absolutely no interest in
the election whatsoever.
The only two votes cast
were by President
Thu and his wife.
The Vietnamese senate
is now being called on
to break a one-to-one tie.
(audience laughing)
- (laughs) Oh, the old
lady didn't vote for 'im, huh?
- Hopsc... (laughs)
Hopscotching...
Well, we don't know
which way it was.
It was a secret ballot, right?
Now, hopscotch in the news.
We take you to
Ann Elder in London.
- I am here at
Buckingham Palace,
witnessing the
changing of the guard.
Oh! (audience laughing)
- Be ready in a minute.
- I'll wait.
- And now, for
kid news for kids.
Here's Moosie Drier in a tree
house someplace in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
I ca' hardly wait for Thursday,
'cause that's Thanksgiving.
They have a
turkey, and dressing,
and potatoes, and gravy,
and squash, and punkin' pie.
The reason we do that is,
Thanksgiving is a
great day for America.
But you know somethin'?
It isn't much of a
day for the turkey.
(audience laughing)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Hopscotching the world again.
Here's Barbara Sharma.
- Well, here we are
with one of Italy's
leading geologists
and architects,
Signor Luigi Cacciatore.
We've come to ask
him for the answer
to that age-old question:
why, now why does
the tower of pizza lean?
(audience laughing)
- Looks all right to me.
- Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Here's an in-depth report
of an assault at 5th and Main.
- Uh, this was the most horri...
I wish you could've
only... This was so...
It was the most incredi...
The most... this ferocious...
First it was just...
There was a great...
There was a fantastic
punching to his...
His rib was just
a horrible mess...
His whole, his ear,
there was a big...
Biting from, and hand...
His fists, with the hair...
It was just, it was just so...
I wish you had, it
was the kind of thing...
It was something...
I was so, gah, I didn't
know what to ma...
He's blee... his face came
smack, right down on his...
His fa... it was just his pla...
We hope that maybe a plastic...
We don't know if, if we're...
It's so, he wa...
he was, it was...
It was so incre...
Well, some side...
Sometimes I don't
know my own strength.
(audience laughing)
- Some of our news
team to the Himalayas,
where scientists have
discovered the footprints
of the Abominable Snowman.
- Uh, what can you tell from
these footprints, Professor?
- Well, the Abominable
Snowman is obviously
a very sensitive creature.
- Uh, how can you tell?
- Watch.
(wind whooshing)
(deep laughter)
(audience laughing)
- And now, our remote
cameras take you to a meeting
of the American
Brotherhood Association
for a Laugh-In news feature.
- America, the ethnic
melting pot of the world.
For only here, in
the United States,
have we a country
in which the majority
consists of many minorities,
all working together
in cooperation...
- Hey! Geddof my foot.
You people haffa push.
- In collaboration,
to unify and progress
towards human understanding...
- Wod you mean pushing?
Joo started the pushing.
- Human understanding...
- I saw ya push him first.
- As human understanding
and tolerance,
tempered with the
basic brotherhood...
- That's the trouble
with you people!
You think because
you were here first,
you're most important.
- Ah! (audience laughing)
- Besides, we was here first!
- You fight away all night!
- The basic brotherhood,
which heralds the dawn
of a new generation,
dedicated to the good of all.
Thank you, thank you.
- Oh, see, that
was a great speech.
- Oh, what do you foreigners
know about good speech?
- (blow lands) Oh!
(audience laughing) (applauding)
- Hi. (laughs)
Bizzy Buzzy here,
buzzin' around Tinseltown,
and have I got a story for you.
90-year-old Lucky Foonman
was recently slapped
with a paternity suit
by exotic dancer
Boom-Boom LeTour.
Mr. Foonman was saddened
when the jury returned
a verdict of not guilty,
but they did wish him
better luck next time. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Kissy-kissy, and ta-ta
from Tinseltown. (chuckles)
- And that's the way it is,
Wednesday, February 31st, 1984.
(audience laughing) La da di da
Bobbies in ties Popeye
looks at the news
Good evening friend (applauding)
- You... Are in...
A hurry.
Oh, did you hear that, friends?
This man...
Is in a hurry.
(audience laughing)
May I wish you...
A good morning?
- Oh.
Thanks, let's get started.
- Exactly. (laughs)
This... Is the
kind of morning...
That makes everyone feel...
Like getting started.
- Right, right, right.
I'm in a hurry, I'm in a hurry.
- You already said...
You're in a hurry.
(audience laughing)
Now if you are...
In a hurry, (gasps)
you must stop...
Repeating yourself.
You can't stand around
(gasps) repeating yourself.
- Will you...
- Do you understand?
- Could...
- Let me repeat that.
- Yeah, would you just
check... (audience laughing)
Could you just check me out?
- Could I... Check
you... Out? (laughs)
Of course!
I... can check... you out.
But first, did I say
good morning?
- Oh yes, yes you did.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, just check me out.
I have two items.
I have a cabbage head.
- You... have a
cabbage (gasps) head.
Oh, my friends...
Did you hear that?
This man says he
has a cabbage...
But don't feel badly, sir.
Perhaps you have (gasps)
other (gasps) good...
Qualities. (grunts)
- No, I mean I have
a head of cabbage.
- You mean, you have...
- A head...
- A cabbage.
You already said that.
- Oh.
- Now... You must try not to...
Repeat yourself.
(audience laughing)
Do you understand?
Let me explain.
- No, never mind, never mind.
Now just checkout the two items:
cabbage head and a pack of gum.
Got it? Cabbage and gum.
- Cabbage and gum! (laughs)
Oh, I say, sir. (laughs)
That's a very (gasps), a
very strange combination,
cabbage and gum.
- No no, no no no.
I'm not having...
I'm not, (sighs) I'm not
having cabbage with gum.
I'm gonna have corned beef.
It's gonna be corned beef.
- Corned beef!
With gum. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Well, isn't that strange.
That's exactly what
I had for breakfast.
(audience laughing)
(applauding)
(whimsical music)
(clattering)
(tango music)
(doorbell rings)
- I'll be back in one
moment, my darling.
(screaming)
- [Dan] What are you doing?
- Would you put your
finger here, please?
- What, do you
have to do that now?
We're supposed to take a look
at the modern world of politics.
What is that, anyway?
- Well, it just happens
that it's one of my latest
inventions for getting
rid of pollution, that's all.
- One of your latest inventions?
You have a lot of
inventions for pollution?
- 'Course!
You act as though
you're surprised.
- Well, I am.
- Haven't you heard about...
How I'm gonna
clean up Lake Erie?
- No, I haven't.
How're you gonna do that?
- Paint it. (audience laughing)
- How can you paint a lake?
- Watercolors.
(audience laughing)
Heh, see?
- Never thought of that.
Boy, you're a thinker.
- Right.
- I think that's
what that line is.
Hey, have you come up with a...
What about the empty cans?
You got an answer for that?
- That is one of the
most simple ones.
You see, you eliminate cans
and put everything in bottles.
- But what do you
do with all the bottles?
- That's not my problem.
I'm a can man. I'm
sorry. (audience laughing)
You're the bottle man...
- Moving right along.
He asked the next question:
what about the garbage problem?
- Well, I have a
solution for that.
What do you always
see around garbage?
- Uh, flies.
- Right.
Now, what are the flies doing?
- Eatin' the garbage.
- Well now, isn't that simple?
We just put more
flies on the job.
(audience laughing)
- All right.
- Yeah, I know these things.
- Boy, you do.
What about the
oil on the beaches?
- Well, it's ruining all
the wildlife out there.
- Oh I tell you,
those poor ducks...
- What ducks? It ruined...
Ethel and I were out there.
- Ethel?
- You shoulda seen her
duck when the tide came in.
- Ah yes, it... (chuckles).
Didn't say anything
about air pollution.
That's a big problem.
- Well, if people
would stop smoking,
that would get
rid of most of it.
- Well, that's a little
easier said than done.
- Well, not with my
new mouthwash.
- You got mouthwash
to stop smokin'?
- Guaranteed, you
stop smoking right away.
- With this new mouthwash?
- Darn right.
- What's in it?
- Mint-flavored lighter fluid.
- Oh. (audience laughing)
- You smoke around that, whoo!
- That'll do it.
Now what's in the box?
- What box?
- The...
- Oh, this one.
That's my solution
to the smog problem
- No kidding!
- Yes.
Now, I don't wanna look at it.
- Just what is it?
(knocking) What's in there?
- What's in it? Smog's in there.
That's what's in there.
- What's it doing in there?
- Well, that's my solution.
You get everybody in town
to fill up a box with smog.
That's it.
- Well then,
What do they do with the box?
- They mail it to Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Well, what about the
poor people in Cleveland?
- They'll never
know the difference.
- What do you mean?
- In Cleveland,
They'll think it's
urban renewal.
- Oh, for crying out
loud. (audience laughing)
Let's take a look at the
modern world of politics.
Sorry, Cleveland.
(bright band music)
- Alan Sues for senator!
- Johhny Brown for mayor!
- Jimmy Coco for controller!
- Dennis Allen, governor!
- Vote for me...
- No, vote for me...
- Hey, vote for me...
- Yeah, vote for me!
Why not vote for me
If you can raise the
flag and wave her
Ever grant a favor
Go on television
And make no decision
Give a kid a locket
Swipe from daddy's pocket
hold a baby for the crime
My friend, the practice
you're indulging in is
Politics Yes, it's
politics Simply politics
You pay a fella seven dollars
And he kiss brass
ticks You're in politics
Every time
If you can please
the big employers
And the workers' lawyers
Keep 'em busy fightin'
While the fish are biting
Don't improve conditions
'Cept for politicians
Then demand a little fee
My boy, the papers
have a name for it: it's
Politics Yes, it's politics
Good ol' politics
If you can mingle
with the mighty
Or a buncha dicks
You're in politics, yes sirree
When you have
learned the ins and outs
And all of the tricks
Then buddy, you're in politics
Vote for me (applauding)
- The way the
seniority system works,
half the seats in Congress
ought to be rocking chairs.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're here talking
with Mr. Myron Carter,
who is truly the
composite representative
of the average American voter.
Tell me, Mr. Carter,
have you thoroughly
examined the candidates
and their platforms?
- Oh yeah, I have.
- Oh, good.
Then you are ready
to cast your ballot?
- No, I'm not.
- You're not?
Why is that?
- I forgot to register.
(audience laughing)
- Senator McGovern
and President Nixon
are both in favor of withdrawal;
but President Nixon
is talking about troops,
and Senator McGovern is
talking about President Nixon.
(audience laughing)
- Governor Agnew said he
won't run against President Nixon.
He probably means
in the Olympics.
(audience laughing)
- Behind every congressman,
there are dozens
of loyal and devoted
family members.
- Yeah, and they're all
workin' in his office. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
- Maybe we'd get
more action in Congress
if we had some
female senators in there
who were members
of the women's lib,
because they don't
believe in holding things up.
(audience laughing)
- Well, if you wanna
win this election,
you've got to appeal
to all the ethnic groups.
- Yep, even at a $100-a-plate
fundraising dinner?
- Especially at a
fundraising dinner.
That's why I came up
with this special menu here.
I've made some notes.
Now, we want the
black vote, right?
- The black vote, definitely.
- But we don't want
to forget the Italians.
- No, no.
- Right?
So we start the meal off with...
Chitlins parmesan, huh?
(audience groaning)
(audience laughing)
Ha-hah, right.
Now, you want to get support
from the Jewish community.
- Oh, 100%.
- And the Chinese-Americans.
- Right, right.
- Huh?
What do we do?
Sweet and sour matzo balls.
(audience laughing) Huh? Right!
Now, we have a
big northern state,
but we don't wanna
lose the southern states.
- No we don't.
- Huh?
- No, no.
- So for the main course...
- Right. What?
- Huh?
Gettysburgers. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
And southern-fried
Yankee pot roast!
- Hold it, hold it.
What about the Hawaiian group?
- Hawaiians? They're right here.
We're putting them over with
the friendly sons
of St. Patrick.
- But what are we
gonna feed them?
- Well, it's a barbecued pig
with a boiled
potato in its mouth.
What about that, huh?
Pig, boiled potato?
(audience laughing)
Now, we're bringing
in about 200 soldiers.
- Hold it.
- Right.
- How can they afford... I
mean, a big dinner like this?
- Well, it's easy.
We got a special
menu for them, huh?
Only two dollars a shingle.
(audience groaning)
(audience laughing)
- Every time I take
my seat in the Senate,
it's a special thrill for me.
- Yeah well, it's no wonder.
You only do it two or
three times a year. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
You really go on to
stretch your coffee break.
(audience laughing)
- Remember in the old days
when the politicians promised
a chicken in every pot,
two cars in every garage?
Well, that's why today's
politicians are faced
with all that pot
and all those cars.
- I'd like to take this
opportunity to state firmly
that I am not a
candidate for office,
I have never been a
candidate for office,
and never will be a
candidate for office.
However, when I am elected...
(audience laughing) (rimshot)
- Recently, at San Clemente,
President Nixon was
host to Governor Reagan
and former senator
George Murphy.
While Laugh-In had no
witnesses at this historic event,
we wonder whether proper
protocol was observed.
- Well, gentlemen, now
that you've seen the beach,
let me show you the house.
After you, Senator.
- Oh no, sir.
After you, Mr. President.
- After you, Governor?
- No, sir.
After all, you
are the president.
(audience laughing)
- Gentlemen, I am the host,
and the guests do enter first.
- Oh yes, sir.
But you see, according
to protocol of politics,
the president enters first.
- He's right.
- But according to the
standards of etiquette,
the host enters last.
Now, which takes
precedence: etiquette or politics?
- I don't know.
- I don't know either, sir.
- I have a book on
that very subject inside.
I'll go and get it.
- Oh right, good.
You go ahead.
- I'll see you, Senator.
- You don't have to...
- You know,
This is not going to work.
It's getting cold out here.
- I have an idea.
Let's all go in at
the same time.
- Oh, good idea.
- Right.
(banging) (audience laughing)
- Plenty of us in
the senate believe
young people in
this country should
be allowed to have their say.
But not necessarily
in this country.
(audience laughing)
- Why'd I ever
get into politics?
I mean, my entire career
is riding on today's election.
I just can't stand it!
- Ed.
- I can't stand it!
- Ed!
- What is it?
- Relax.
Here, have a cup of coffee.
- No, I don't smoke.
- We're winning, we're winning!
The latest returns show
we're ahead 10,000 votes.
- Oh, I would like to
thank all the little people
who made this victory possible.
Oh, and...
- Ed.
The upstate returns are in.
They show you're falling behind.
- Oh! I needed this?
I needed this, me?
Me, with a diploma
from teacher's college?
I could be in a classroom
right now, with...
- Ed, Ed, the vote is in.
It looks very good, governor!
- I'm proud of you, dear.
- I would like to thank
all the little people,
for making this moment possible;
and my administration
will be devoted
to social reform and
economic stability
for the little people.
- Oh, Ed.
The ru-ha vote went against you.
- I'm ruined.
Every cent I had
went into this election!
Every cent I had went
into this whole campaign!
- I always knew you
were a loser, you bum.
(audience laughing) (sobbing)
- Final vote is in!
Congratulations, you've
been elected by 25 votes!
- A landslide!
(audience laughing)
(muttering)
- Neither did I, dear.
(telephone rings)
- Hello? Oh. Ed, Ed.
It's the president. (gasping)
Did you hear that?
It's the president.
Calm down.
- Hello?
Oh, thank you very
much, (telephone rings)
Mr. President; that's
awfully nice of you to call.
- It's your opponent.
- Just a minute.
Mr. President, it's my opponent.
He's on the other phone.
He probably wants
to congratulate me.
Would you just hold on a moment?
Thank you so much.
Hello? (audience tittering)
Yes, what is that?
You want a recount?
(audience laughing)
Oh come on, I wanna win so much!
Oh please, let me win?
Yes, I'll support all
of your programs, sir.
But I've never won
anything in my whole life!
I mean, the president
called me and everything!
Would you... absolutely sir.
Yes, really is a terrific guy.
Absolutely yes, Mr. President...
Can't we just take
turns or something?
Could you hold, Mr...
Could you just hold on a minute?
Could you just hold on
a minute, Mr. President?
I'm terribly sorry;
I'll be right with you...
I mean, can't you
just... No, hello?
Mr. Presi... what happened?
Where did he go?
Oh, I lost the president!
You see what you made me do?
I lost the pre...
- You're in tune with
Washington, D.C.
And a.c.
The occupation that's
designed for you is
Politics All them
polls are fixed
But it's politics
If you look good on
television And you've
Made some flicks You're in
Politics, all the
way Vote for me
(applauding)
- Oh.
Just imagine being
married to Buffalo Bill,
the greatest Indian
scout of them all.
Oh.
(whoops weakly)
(audience tittering)
(wistful music)
(snores)
(whoops weakly)
Oh, I wish my Bill were here.
When he's away, this house
just doesn't smell the same.
(audience laughing)
(sniffs)
Oh! You're just my Bill!
- And you're just my
Buffalo. (audience laughing)
- Where have you been, Bill?
You're late for dinner.
- Oh, I was captured
by the Indians.
They staked me out and they
beat me, and they tortured me!
- Oh, my poor baby.
Come here and let me kiss you.
- Hasn't my poor body
been through enough today?
- Oh Buffalo, why didn't you
offer them my body instead?
- I did, I did girl!
That's why they tortured
me! (audience laughing)
- Oh, Buff! (blow lands)
You're always making fun of me.
If you don't love me,
why did you marry me?
- Because you were the
prettiest one of the herd.
- Oh! (whooping)
- Here they come again!
(weapons firing)
- Oh, it's the Indians!
Thousands of them!
Oh Buffalo, why don't
we just surrender?
- Don't you know
what them Indians
do to the women they capture?
- Oh, no!
- You don't?
I'll tell you what they do.
- Oh! (gasps)
- Wait, I didn't tell
you the best part.
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
- You better be...
- Are you sure?
- And then...
- Oh! (whooping)
(audience laughing)
- Look at them Indians go!
- Oh, what do those
Indians know about love?
- Dunno, but they
were an awful lot of fun
at the dance last night.
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
- Ah! Oh!
(silly music)
- Well Dick, tonight,
the Xerox corporation
is the recipient of
Laugh-In's Whoopee Award.
- And I know why, too.
For being able to
spell Xerox without a Z.
- (laughs) No.
It's for offering
something very unusual
to their employees.
- Oh?
- A year's leave of
absence with full pay,
to pursue social
welfare projects.
- Well, who gets the year off?
The guy who keeps
their mouth shut
about the office party?
(audience laughing)
- Any employee with
three years in the company.
That's about 28,000 people.
- Wow.
- Yep.
The company's president,
Mr. C. Peter McColough,
said the new program, involving
up to 200 employees a year,
will encourage them to work
on solutions to social problems
during the prime of
their working careers.
- Well now, there's
an investment
everybody's gonna profit from.
- Darn right.
So, for initiating a
marvelous new plan
for bettering society,
tonight's Whoopee Award
wings its way to the
Xerox corporation.
- For people who
specialize in copying things,
they've certainly come
up with an original idea.
- Congratulations.
- Whoopee!
(applauding)
- [Jimmy] Good morning.
- Yes?
- What could I get if
I brought in a piano,
a ship's anchor,
and an antique safe?
- I don't know.
Probably a hernia.
(audience laughing)
- Nurse, I've got this
bowling ball stuck on my hand,
and I can't get it off!
What should I do?
- Well, I wouldn't
scratch my head.
(audience laughing)
Or put your hand in your pocket.
(laughing)
- This message that this
program has been prerecorded
has been prerecorded.
This has been a
prerecorded message.
Hello. (audience tittering)
- Let's see.
Peanuts.
Potato chips, cheese dip.
Now, how about the punch?
- You got it.
(blow lands) (audience laughing)
- If I'm not mistaken,
I'm Gary Owens.
If I am mistaken, I...
Wish you'd drop me a line
and let me know who I am.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(blows land)
- Terrific, I'll do it!
(audience laughing)
- Miss Crabben?
Will you take this note?
(plays off-key note)
(audience laughing)
(blows land) (audience laughing)
- To make a good impression
on a movie producer,
a friend of mine wore a
padded bra to an audition...
And then was turned
down for the part,
because he was too
tall. (audience laughing)
- Miss?
- Yeah.
- My bill came to $1.75.
- So?
- I gave you $2.
I'm supposed to
get a quarter back.
- S'posed to get a what?
- A quarter back!
- You got it!
- Aah!
(crashing)
- Ruth, I'm telling you.
Salesmen today just
don't allow you any privacy.
One opened my door this morning
and tried to sell me a
magazine subscription.
- Oh Lily, what's
so bad about that?
- It was the shower door.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's terrible!
- You're telling me.
It took me an hour and
a half to get rid of him.
(audience laughing)
- Say mister, how 'bout
a rare imported watch?
- Lemme see it.
How do I know this
thing's any good?
- Are you kidding?
Look at all the fine detail
work on Mickey's face.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you know, I could
take this into the shop;
or if you prefer, I can
overcharge you here.
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, you take a little look.
You sneak a little peek.
You could goggle at my elbows,
you could ogle at my cheeks.
You could gaze upon my leg,
you could scrutinize my thigh.
But if you touch
a single thing, I'll...
Belt you in the eye.
(audience laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
(chuckling)
(liquid gurgling)
- Are you ready
for love, my dear?
- Not at the moment, darling.
- But why not, my dear?
- You just put your
cigarette out on my hand.
(groans) (audience laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
- Are you ready for romance?
(lampshade clatters) (tweeting)
(tinkling saloon music)
(audience laughing)
- Alan, you've never done
anything right in your whole life!
It's time to end it all!
(gun fires) (glass shatters)
I've killed myself.
(moaning)
- I just wanna know one thing.
What time will you
be home for lunch?
(audience laughing)
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi there.
- It's funny being
here, ain't it?
I mean, a while back, a man
in a place like this
would be called a sissy.
Now, you can come in
here and still act like a man.
Have a cigar.
- No, no thanks.
My nails haven't dried
yet. (audience laughing)
- That's not the way a
man looks at his nails.
I mean, a woman looks
at her nails like that.
A man looks at
his nails like this.
Good heavens,
look at those nails.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm having
trouble with my cuticles.
- Cuticles?
Now what kind of a
man would worry over
such a fussy little detail?
I got a real problem.
- What is it?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Go ahead.
- Well, all right.
I've got unwanted facial hair.
(audience tittering)
- All men grow facial hair.
- I know, but on their stomach?
- Well, why don't
you wear it up?
(laughing) (audience laughing)
I just hope my hair
comes out all right.
- Oh, I do too.
All I want is a simple,
conservative man's haircut;
a close trim with just a touch
of curl around the shoulders.
How you havin' yours done?
- I'm having mine like
Mr. Shirley over there has.
- Mr. Shirley has a pageboy.
- Well, I don't care about that.
I'd just like a haircut.
(audience laughing)
- Lemme tell you something
about that papaya, Mr. Shirley.
You know, I think
there's something
a little funny about him,
you know what I mean?
- What makes you
say a thing like that?
- Well, if he ain't, what's
he doin' in a place like this?
- From the looks
of these people,
they should be taking their
coffee breaks from a trough.
(audience laughing)
- In Burbank, 56.4%
of the people get cool
by freezing midgets and
holding them under their arms.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Louis.
I'm going on a trip.
Would you pack my trunk, please?
- Very good, sir.
(audience tittering)
Will there be
anything else, sir?
- That'll do it just
fine, thank you.
- If you don't mind
my saying so, sir...
I'm going to miss you very much.
- Well, have you heard
something I haven't?
- No, but...
If you don't mind,
(audience
tittering) I'll just go.
- Might as well, I'm
gonna shoot you anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you sir, and goodnight.
- Y'all right?
S'all right.
- It's okay.
- Barbara.
Rita.
Raquel.
Karen.
- Karen? Who's Karen?
(whip snaps)
- What are you so happy about?
- Tomorrow's my
day with the whip.
(groaning)
- London fog is just
like California smog,
except you don't have
to chew it as much.
- Oh.
Oh, I see great sadness ahead.
A tall, dark,
good-looking stranger
is coming into your life.
- What's so bad about that?
- Your husband's gonna
fall in love with her.
(audience laughing)
- But Mr. President, it's two
o'clock in the morning, sir.
- I don't care if it takes
the rest of the night.
We must settle on a firm,
decisive course of action.
It's time for a
show of strength.
(telephone rings)
Excuse me. Hello?
(clears throat) No, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
No, I said I cannot do that.
Okay.
I-I love you.
(audience laughing)
(clears throat) Oh, all right.
I l... I love you, poopsiekins.
(telephone clatters)
(audience laughing)
All right, now as
far as our tactical
nuclear capabilities
are concerned,
we've got to establish
immediate superiority.
- Yes sir, and we're doing
the very best we possibly can.
- You'll have to do better.
I won't stand for any
more... (telephone rings)
Excuse me. Hello?
I have no idea what
time I'll be home, dear.
(audience laughing)
No, none of the
other wives are here.
Just a general, an admiral,
and a couple of the secretaries.
(telephone rings)
That's the secretary of defense,
(audience laughing)
and the secretary of state.
Not Miss Walker
and Miss Matthews.
- Uh, sir.
Did you wanna go over
these intelligence reports?
- Immediately. (telephone rings)
Look, I'm very busy.
I do not, repeat, do
not want to talk to you.
We have absolutely nothing
more to say to each other.
What's that?
Very well, if that's
the way you feel,
it's perfectly all
right with me.
(telephone clatters) Gentlemen.
What I have to tell
you now is very serious.
- You mean that you and
your wife are getting a divorce?
- No.
That was Queen Elizabeth,
and we're going to war.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
- Allow me, my darling.
- Oh, thank you.
- Tell me, is
this the first time
you've been to a
man's apartment?
(giggling) (telephone rings)
(drum boings)
(audience laughing)
- Is it darker than a buffalo?
- Well, that's
enough of your ESP.
The Great Ricardo, indeed.
It's time to say goodnight.
- C'mon, gimme one more hint.
- All right.
What do you look at when
you want the right time?
- Bernice! (audience laughing)
With her, it's
always the right time.
- You're wrong again.
- What do you mean wrong again?
It's always the right
time, isn't that right?
- No, that's wrong, wrong.
- I'll never guess it.
I give up.
Here, take your watch back.
I'll try again next week.
(audience laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight,
everybody. (applauding)
(bright music)
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
- Good night...
cabbage. And gum.
And good night... Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(groaning) (audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (groans)
- Doesn't anybody ever
say "Goodnight, Dan?"
(audience laughing)
- You know, I come
from a broken home.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, your parents are divorced?
- No, I fell on it.
(audience laughing)
- I know a checkout clerk in
the supermarket who works
so hard, the poor guy has
paper bags under his eyes.
(audience laughing) (sobbing)
- Well I... Ruthie, I know
a guy who's so cheap,
one morning, he read
Forest Lawn was holding
a special on funerals,
so he shot himself.
- You keep it down?
We're tryin' to sleep!
Ah, by the way.
In Detroit, they just came
out with micro-mini cars.
Did you hear that?
- [Man] No kidding!
- Micro... oh! Mini cars.
Which are not only
economical on gas and oil,
they may also be
used as cuff links.
Call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- I'll tell ya,
this morning, I...
This morning, I bowled
and then I knitted.
I'll tell ya the truth,
I've been on pins
and needles all day.
(audience laughing)
- Lily?
- Yes, Barbara?
- You know, a friend of
mine just broke ground
on a new construction site?
- Oh, is he a contractor?
- Well no, he isn't.
He's a skydiver, and
his chute didn't open.
(audience laughing)
(singing)
(whimsical music)
(hammer clatters)
(audience laughing)
(clattering) (clapping)
(creaking)
- 38!
- Ah!
- 39! (whip snaps)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- 40! (whip snaps)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Now, is there anyone else
who didn't sell all
their raffle tickets?
(audience laughing)
(crunching)
(audience laughing)
(door slams)
(metallic tinkling)
(audience laughing)
- From now on, I promise to be
more tolerant of my fellow man.
- Oh, that's a great promise.
- Who asked you?
(blow landing)
(audience laughing)
- How are you?
- Fine, Dot.
- Is that all you gonna
have today, one lightbulb?
(lightbulb clattering)
(audience laughing)
- You broke it.
- Well, I'll knock
off a damn 23 cents.
That comes to 66 cents.
(audience laughing)
(silly off-key music)
(water hissing)
(audience laughing)
- Now let me see.
You don't type,
and you don't take shorthand,
and you don't understand
the switchboard.
Um, how's 200 a week to start?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, boy!
- Say, before I pull the switch,
do you have any last requests?
- Yes.
How 'bout Melancholy
Baby? (audience laughing)
- Dad, I'm the fastest
gun in the West.
- I'm sorry to
tell you this, son,
but I'm the fastest
gun in the west.
(gun fires) (gun fires)
(audience laughing)
- Well, at least we
won't have any more
of these silly family arguments.
- Gimme a D.
Gimme a D.
Gimme a D D T.
(coughs) (audience laughing)
- Hi, Mr. Mullen.
I have a coupla things to trade.
- Yeah?
- First is...
A mint condition
book on birth control.
Never even been read!
- What's the second item?
- 17 pairs of baby shoes.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, pardon me miss.
Could you tell me a little about
your speed reading course?
- Yessir wehavelessons
threenightsaweek...
Fromseventonine...
(audience laughing)
forafullthreemonths
atwhichtime youallgraduate
andbecomeexperts
inthecommercialworld.
(knocking) (whooshing)
(crashing) (glass clattering)
(knocking)
- Come in!
(audience laughing)
- Yes, sir?
Did you have an appointment?
(audience laughing)
- The thing I hate
about being on Laugh-In
is that everything is so rushed.
They don't even
give you a chance
to finish a complete para...
(gavel bangs)
- Going, going, gone!
(audience laughing)
- Look at this table
you sold me. (clatters)
- What's wrong with it?
(audience tittering)
- Can you fix it?
- Sure. Hold that.
(hammer pounding)
(audience laughing)
It fall off now?
- Well ladies and gentlemen,
before we go any further,
we'd like you all to meet
tonight's special guest.
He's the star of Broadway's
Last Of The Red Hot Lovers...
- A fine actor: Mr. James Coco.
- Oh yeah! (applauding)
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is a real kick to be here
on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, come
over here where the folks
can get a good
look at ya. (laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, what's been
happenin' to ya lately, huh?
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is nice to be here on
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- I-I think he's
a little nervous.
- Oh, don't be silly.
Big Broadway actor
James Coco, nervous?
- Just the same,
ah... I think we oughtta
give him a little
something to relax him.
- Not a bad idea.
- Here ya go, Jimmy.
Drink it right down.
There you go.
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
- Aah!
- Sure is nice to be here
on Rowan and Martin's...
- I-I can see why he's
considered such a pro.
- Why is that?
- He never forgets a line.
- You're right.
- Hi, Dan. Hi, Dick.
Sure is nice to be here on
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(laughing)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
Mortuary and Dance Hall,
NBC, the Nervous But
Committed Network,
preempts a planned hour
of silence and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the
frequently-demanded Dan Rowan,
and the constantly-demented
Dick Martin,
with special guest
star Jimmy Coco
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin!
With Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson, and Larry Hovis!
(bright music) (applauding)
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this special word
for those in constant need
of aspirin tablets
and painkillers:
take two headaches and
call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
Pardon me, madam.
What do you think of
new, improved Gurgle?
- I hate it, but I
use it twice a day.
- [Gary] You do?
- Yeah. Once in the
morning to unclog the sink
and once at night
to wash the dog.
(audience laughing)
- There are a great many
things wrong with television today,
but since we're short of
time, here are just two of 'em:
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applauding) (bright music)
- Thank you.
Boy, they're really
wild out there tonight.
Thank you, and good evening...
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
It's coming to me.
You were going to say
'ladies and gentlemen.'
Is that right, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Well of course that's right.
- Ah-hah! The Great
Ricardo never misses.
- The Great Ricardo?
(audience laughing)
What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about esp.
- What?
- That's what I'm... I have esp!
- You have E S P.
- That's a good way to spell it.
(audience laughing)
- That's not spelling it.
ESP. It stands for
extra-sensory perception,
the ability to transmit
and receive thoughts.
- Funny you
should bring that up.
- I didn't.
- It happened to me...
Last night at Sylvia's.
I actually projected my
thoughts to her brain.
- And she... she knew
what you were thinking?
- She must have.
She slapped my face
and asked me to leave.
(audience laughing)
- She didn't get any vibrations.
- No, I told you.
She slapped my face
and asked me to leave.
- That's not ESP.
With ESP, why, you could...
Thoughts can be transported
over great distances.
- Oh, I can do that.
Watch this now, watch.
I'm getting something...
I'm getting something.
- What? What are you getting?
- I'm getting a headache
from pinching my forehead,
(audience laughing)
that's what I'm getting.
- See, you don't know anything
about ESP except dumb jokes.
- Hah! I laugh on your tie, sir.
Hah! (audience laughing)
- Oh, stop that.
- Watch this now.
I'm getting a message.
- A message?
- A message; it's from
James Henderson.
- From James Henderson?
- "Help.
"Get me out of here."
- He's in prison?
- No, he's in Cleveland.
(laughing)
- There ya go, your dumb jokes.
- All right, all
right, all right.
The Great Ricardo
will demonstrate...
His amazing mental powers.
- Amazing mental powers.
- Give me an object
and I'll tell you what it is.
- Any?
- Just any object at all.
Any object. May
I have an object?
- All right.
- Could I have an object?
- He sees all...
- Are you going to...?
- Here, there.
- I see...
Oh. There's an object.
- Yes, now. It's an easy one.
- No, it's a hard one.
Gimme a hint.
- Well, I'm gonna give you...
All right, here's a hint.
- All right, it's a hint.
- It's not a hint, you dummy.
- It's not a hint.
It's a dummy!
- It's not a dummy.
(audience laughing)
- It's not a dummy!
- All right, listen
to me carefully.
- Right.
- Take your time.
- Uh, take your time.
It's not a dummy, right?
- No no, it's not a dummy.
- It's not a dummy.
- Take your time!
- Time, time, well gimme a hint!
- I'm givin' you a hint!
(audience laughing)
I just gave it to you:
Take your time.
- Gimme another hint!
- All right, how...
Would you like a hand?
- It's a hand!
- It's not a hand.
- It's not a hand!
- Think for a second.
- It's a second hand!
- You're getting warmer.
- Ah, it's a fireplace!
- It's not a fireplace!
(audience laughing)
There's another...
Watch your step.
- It's a step!
- It's not a step.
- It's not a step!
- Take your time,
watch your step.
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
- I wish you'd
shut that watch off.
I can't hear myself
think. (audience laughing)
- Look, it's round, it
has a leather strap.
- It's a barber chair!
(audience laughing)
- It's not a barber chair.
- It's not a barber chair!
- This late-breaking item.
Today, a well-known Hollywood
stunt man fell off the wagon.
(audience laughing)
- My name is Edith Nabb,
and I'm five years old,
and I don't ever have to
say nothing if I don't want to.
(audience tittering)
You know what?
Mama said, "If a person
eats too much candy,
"that person will
get very sick."
So I went to Junior
Phillip's house,
and picked up all his candy,
and went in the
yard, and ate it all up.
He's my boyfriend, and I
don't want him to get sick.
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Jimmy. Ready to go?
It's time for the party.
- Oh, I love parties.
- Say, before we go, Jimmy,
I must say, you look great.
You've lost weight, haven't you?
- I have, 20 pounds.
- Funny, you don't look it.
- I hate fat jokes.
(audience laughing)
(bright music)
- Y'know somethin'?
If postal rates get any higher,
soon it's gonna be cheaper
mailing a letter by cab.
(audience laughing)
(bright music)
(cackling) (audience laughing)
- Y'know, you look like
a real intelligent person.
- I do, Lula?
- Yeah,
You bear quite a
resemblance to Albert Einstein.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- In the old days, young
Indians really had it rough.
Have you ever tried
hugging and kissing
in the backseat
of buffalo? Whoo.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Some people feel
that congressmen
should serve a four-year term.
But I say, not unless
they get called.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Y'know, I was gonna take
a physical fitness course
from Jack LaLanne, but they
didn't have a gym my size.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Oh.
I hear the vice-president
is spearheading
an ecology drive for the
recycling of newspapers.
The rumor is, he wants to start
by shredding the New York Times,
(audience laughing)
before it hits the stands.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Well, kids.
I went to the department store,
and bought a Howard Hughes doll.
Well, can you believe this?
I got home and opened the box,
and there was nothing in it!
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- On our honeymoon,
Richard told me
he loved my new negligee.
And to tell you the truth,
he really did look cute in it.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- You know, our
government is now
going to pay Turkish
farmers not to grow
one of their major
crops, opium poppies.
(audience laughing)
Without it, I guess they'll
start referring to their
country as cold Turkey.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Oh my, I'm so tired
when I get home from work.
All I wanna do is just...
Put some clothes on and relax.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Dick, I think the only thing
you're interested in is my body.
- That's not true, Wanda.
I'm also interested in
hers, and hers, and hers.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- We believe in bringing
religion to the people,
so now, we have a mobile church.
And, to make things
even more realistic,
right behind it, we
have a U-Haul cemetery.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
- Y'know, I went duck
hunting the other day
with a machine gun.
- How many ducks did you get?
- I only got one, but
I got 'im 300 times.
- Mm. Y'know, I
hate fat jokes too.
(audience laughing)
(bright dance music)
(applauding)
- Permission to short-sheet
the scullery maid, sir?
(audience laughing)
- Is it something you
find around the house?
- Yes.
- It's a lawnmower!
- No.
- A paddleboard!
- No.
- Shuffleboard!
- Well, I... excuse me.
I certainly hope you
enjoyed your meal.
- Oh, sure.
- Oh yes.
I'm getting it this time.
- Oh, no no. It's on me.
- No, no.
- I insist!
- You let me...
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
(glass breaking)
(table clattering)
- Hey, here's your money, pal.
- Oh, I sure enjoyed lunch.
- This service is terrific!
(audience laughing)
(quiet piano music)
- A two-dollar tip!
Hey, hope you guys come back!
(audience laughing)
(applauding)
- Between your
elbow and your hand.
- It's a glove!
It's not a glove; it's a mitten!
Uh, three little kittens,
lost their mittens!
(liquid gurgling)
(lid claps on table)
(audience laughing)
- Your dog is sick again?
Oh, well... all right,
I'll be right over.
Bye-bye.
- Oh, Harry darling.
- Yes dear?
- When it comes to taking
care of animals, honestly.
- Ah.
- You're just a natural.
- Oh, I know.
(audience laughing)
- I'll get the door.
(bag clatters against wall)
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Now you be careful.
- It's a gift you'd
get for graduation.
- A draft notice!
(audience laughing)
A leaky pen!
- No, stop.
- Tony Curtis, baby!
Hey you know, I saw your
new TV show, The Persuaders.
- Yeah.
- Hey,
You're filming that in London,
Aren't you?
- Right.
- How's the weather over there?
- Well, I don't know;
it's too foggy to see.
(audience laughing)
- Guess what, darling?
The party has chosen me
as a candidate for governor.
- Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Mm, that's wonderful!
- I guess they finally
realized I'm a man
who is scrupulously
honest and morally upright.
- Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Let's go out and celebrate.
- Oh, I'd love to, honey...
But my wife will be
waiting up for me.
- Then let's stay
in and celebrate!
- Oh, really? (laughs)
- Hi kids!
(squealing)
- Hi Uncle Al!
- Oh. (audience laughing)
Uncle Al had a lotta
medicine last night.
Ah, here's Uncle Al!
And today, I'm going to answer
one of your many requests!
- [Priscilla] Oh, he's
gonna drop dead!
- Priscilla, you're
really a bummer.
(audience laughing)
Uncle Al is going
to do a magic trick!
Isn't that fun?
- [Children] No!
- [Priscilla] Boring!
- Boring? I've been working
on magic tricks all night
with Miss Twinkle, and
that's the respect I get?
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm really sweating
quite a bit here.
Anyway, I'm going to
pour the water into the...
Oh, my hand is
really shaky here.
(audience laughing)
(water gurgling)
Pour the water into the hat.
And now, I'll say
the magic word,
and the water will disappear.
What's the magic word?
Oh, the magic word is...
Dry up! (laughs)
See, it's all gone.
- [Priscilla] It sure is,
(screaming) Uncle Al.
(laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
- I certainly hope you
enjoyed this dinner, my dear.
(toupee splashing)
(audience laughing)
- It has a face
with numbers on it.
- Ah, it's a prisoner!
A prisoner of love!
It's Perry Como!
Billy Eckstine!
(bright music)
- All right, X12.
You're to deliver these
documents to our man in Istanbul.
- Istanbul?
- That's right.
- Got it.
- My assistant here...
Will have to chain
them to your wrist.
You know the security drill.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right Wacker,
chain him up.
(chain clinking)
X12, you'll pick up Agent
Bascomb here in the lounge.
- Bascomb, here in
the lounge. Got that.
- She'll pose as your wife.
You're on your way, X12.
- Uh-huh.
- Good hunting.
- Thank you.
- Come on, Wacker.
Let's go.
(chain clattering)
(men exclaiming)
- Th-The key?
- The key? Oh.
- Is in Istanbul.
- Is in Istanbul.
(audience laughing)
Well, do what you can.
Wacker, try and
stay out of sight.
X12, good hunting.
- Thank you sir...
(audience laughing)
Ah, there's Miss Bascomb.
Get behind me, Wacker.
- Darling!
- Oh, dear.
- Oh! (audience laughing)
- Oh, to see you like this
sends cold chills up my spine.
- That's not cold
chills; that's my nose.
- Table for two?
- Right this way.
- You think maybe
you can make it three?
- I'll have a martini.
- Make that two.
- Don't suppose you
could make it three.
- Very good. (audience laughing)
- Who is this man?
- She noticed.
- You wouldn't believe what
happened to me
today at the office.
I'll explain it later.
Shall we dance, darling?
- I'd love to.
- I'd love to.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you dance divinely.
- Thank you very much.
- I think our drinks are here.
Shall we sit?
- All right.
- Certainly.
- Wait a minute.
- You're...
- Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
- I got it.
(all panting)
- Well, here's to our success.
- So just what is going
on around here anyway?
- Well...
- X12?
- Yeah.
- Agent Bascomb.
I'm Z6, remember?
- Yes.
- Well, where is it this time?
- Istanbul. And you?
- Hm. Argentina.
- Oh, good luck.
- Well, I'm gonna need it.
You wouldn't believe
what happened to me
at the office today.
(audience laughing)
(merry flute music)
I'm Popeye the
sailor man, toot toot
I'm waitin' for Dick
and Dan, toot toot
Though spinach delights me
Those two sure excites me
I'm Popeye the sailor
What's the news
across the nation
Here's what the information
Would be in all of and
Strictly just hope
will amuse News
(merry flute music)
We just love To give
you abuse La di da
Swabbies on tour
Popeye looks at the news
With Dick and Dan (applauding)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Ann Southern up north;
Mr. and Mrs. North, down south;
Adam West, back east;
Clint Eastwood, up westward.
With a pickle in the middle
and the mustard on top.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First, with the news of
the present, here's Dick.
- Dateline, Columbus, Ohio.
At a dinner here last night,
Mr. Jack Harrell of the
Food and Drug Administration
denied charges
that modern additives
are altering the nature of meat.
Mr. Harrell's remarks
were briefly interrupted
when the steak he was eating
got off his plate and
walked out of the room.
(audience laughing)
Dateline, Arizona.
An unfortunate
accident took place today
at the Grand Canyon,
where Jackie Gleason
is currently filming
his latest picture.
During one of the
scenes, Gleason tripped,
fell into the canyon, and
was stuck for six hours.
(audience laughing)
Dateline, Atlantic
City, New Jersey.
The first totally liberated
Miss America Pageant
took place today,
after years of pressure
from formerly-excluded groups.
The winner, Miss Dawn LeTouche,
formerly Mr. Frank
Swenson of Denmark,
captured the judges' hearts
with her song and
dance version of
I've Looked At Love
From Both Sides Now.
(audience laughing)
That's what she did.
And now, with news of
the future, here's Dan.
- I'd like to have seen that.
Cape Kennedy, 20...
- [Dick] Come over to
my house sometime.
- (laughs) Cape Kennedy,
20 years from now.
Well, the historic
first flight to the moon,
in which an American
astronaut and Russian cosmonaut
are sharing the same capsule,
continue to go smoothly today
over some 25,000
miles out into space.
The event is even more
dramatic because today,
the American astronaut
radioed Cape Kennedy
that the Russian had
climbed into his lap
and asked for political asylum.
(audience laughing)
- [Dick] Seems a long way to...
- Yes, it sure did
go on and on there.
(audience laughing)
Wait 'til you get a load
of this one, sports fans.
Dateline, Tel Aviv,
10 years from now.
The entire Arab nation
launched a massive,
all-out attack on Israel,
but were not able to
penetrate its borders.
They made the mistake
of attacking on Saturday,
and Israel was closed.
(audience laughing)
Saigon, five years from now.
Because aging President
Thu once again ran unopposed,
the Vietnamese people showed
absolutely no interest in
the election whatsoever.
The only two votes cast
were by President
Thu and his wife.
The Vietnamese senate
is now being called on
to break a one-to-one tie.
(audience laughing)
- (laughs) Oh, the old
lady didn't vote for 'im, huh?
- Hopsc... (laughs)
Hopscotching...
Well, we don't know
which way it was.
It was a secret ballot, right?
Now, hopscotch in the news.
We take you to
Ann Elder in London.
- I am here at
Buckingham Palace,
witnessing the
changing of the guard.
Oh! (audience laughing)
- Be ready in a minute.
- I'll wait.
- And now, for
kid news for kids.
Here's Moosie Drier in a tree
house someplace in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
I ca' hardly wait for Thursday,
'cause that's Thanksgiving.
They have a
turkey, and dressing,
and potatoes, and gravy,
and squash, and punkin' pie.
The reason we do that is,
Thanksgiving is a
great day for America.
But you know somethin'?
It isn't much of a
day for the turkey.
(audience laughing)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Hopscotching the world again.
Here's Barbara Sharma.
- Well, here we are
with one of Italy's
leading geologists
and architects,
Signor Luigi Cacciatore.
We've come to ask
him for the answer
to that age-old question:
why, now why does
the tower of pizza lean?
(audience laughing)
- Looks all right to me.
- Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Here's an in-depth report
of an assault at 5th and Main.
- Uh, this was the most horri...
I wish you could've
only... This was so...
It was the most incredi...
The most... this ferocious...
First it was just...
There was a great...
There was a fantastic
punching to his...
His rib was just
a horrible mess...
His whole, his ear,
there was a big...
Biting from, and hand...
His fists, with the hair...
It was just, it was just so...
I wish you had, it
was the kind of thing...
It was something...
I was so, gah, I didn't
know what to ma...
He's blee... his face came
smack, right down on his...
His fa... it was just his pla...
We hope that maybe a plastic...
We don't know if, if we're...
It's so, he wa...
he was, it was...
It was so incre...
Well, some side...
Sometimes I don't
know my own strength.
(audience laughing)
- Some of our news
team to the Himalayas,
where scientists have
discovered the footprints
of the Abominable Snowman.
- Uh, what can you tell from
these footprints, Professor?
- Well, the Abominable
Snowman is obviously
a very sensitive creature.
- Uh, how can you tell?
- Watch.
(wind whooshing)
(deep laughter)
(audience laughing)
- And now, our remote
cameras take you to a meeting
of the American
Brotherhood Association
for a Laugh-In news feature.
- America, the ethnic
melting pot of the world.
For only here, in
the United States,
have we a country
in which the majority
consists of many minorities,
all working together
in cooperation...
- Hey! Geddof my foot.
You people haffa push.
- In collaboration,
to unify and progress
towards human understanding...
- Wod you mean pushing?
Joo started the pushing.
- Human understanding...
- I saw ya push him first.
- As human understanding
and tolerance,
tempered with the
basic brotherhood...
- That's the trouble
with you people!
You think because
you were here first,
you're most important.
- Ah! (audience laughing)
- Besides, we was here first!
- You fight away all night!
- The basic brotherhood,
which heralds the dawn
of a new generation,
dedicated to the good of all.
Thank you, thank you.
- Oh, see, that
was a great speech.
- Oh, what do you foreigners
know about good speech?
- (blow lands) Oh!
(audience laughing) (applauding)
- Hi. (laughs)
Bizzy Buzzy here,
buzzin' around Tinseltown,
and have I got a story for you.
90-year-old Lucky Foonman
was recently slapped
with a paternity suit
by exotic dancer
Boom-Boom LeTour.
Mr. Foonman was saddened
when the jury returned
a verdict of not guilty,
but they did wish him
better luck next time. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Kissy-kissy, and ta-ta
from Tinseltown. (chuckles)
- And that's the way it is,
Wednesday, February 31st, 1984.
(audience laughing) La da di da
Bobbies in ties Popeye
looks at the news
Good evening friend (applauding)
- You... Are in...
A hurry.
Oh, did you hear that, friends?
This man...
Is in a hurry.
(audience laughing)
May I wish you...
A good morning?
- Oh.
Thanks, let's get started.
- Exactly. (laughs)
This... Is the
kind of morning...
That makes everyone feel...
Like getting started.
- Right, right, right.
I'm in a hurry, I'm in a hurry.
- You already said...
You're in a hurry.
(audience laughing)
Now if you are...
In a hurry, (gasps)
you must stop...
Repeating yourself.
You can't stand around
(gasps) repeating yourself.
- Will you...
- Do you understand?
- Could...
- Let me repeat that.
- Yeah, would you just
check... (audience laughing)
Could you just check me out?
- Could I... Check
you... Out? (laughs)
Of course!
I... can check... you out.
But first, did I say
good morning?
- Oh yes, yes you did.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, just check me out.
I have two items.
I have a cabbage head.
- You... have a
cabbage (gasps) head.
Oh, my friends...
Did you hear that?
This man says he
has a cabbage...
But don't feel badly, sir.
Perhaps you have (gasps)
other (gasps) good...
Qualities. (grunts)
- No, I mean I have
a head of cabbage.
- You mean, you have...
- A head...
- A cabbage.
You already said that.
- Oh.
- Now... You must try not to...
Repeat yourself.
(audience laughing)
Do you understand?
Let me explain.
- No, never mind, never mind.
Now just checkout the two items:
cabbage head and a pack of gum.
Got it? Cabbage and gum.
- Cabbage and gum! (laughs)
Oh, I say, sir. (laughs)
That's a very (gasps), a
very strange combination,
cabbage and gum.
- No no, no no no.
I'm not having...
I'm not, (sighs) I'm not
having cabbage with gum.
I'm gonna have corned beef.
It's gonna be corned beef.
- Corned beef!
With gum. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Well, isn't that strange.
That's exactly what
I had for breakfast.
(audience laughing)
(applauding)
(whimsical music)
(clattering)
(tango music)
(doorbell rings)
- I'll be back in one
moment, my darling.
(screaming)
- [Dan] What are you doing?
- Would you put your
finger here, please?
- What, do you
have to do that now?
We're supposed to take a look
at the modern world of politics.
What is that, anyway?
- Well, it just happens
that it's one of my latest
inventions for getting
rid of pollution, that's all.
- One of your latest inventions?
You have a lot of
inventions for pollution?
- 'Course!
You act as though
you're surprised.
- Well, I am.
- Haven't you heard about...
How I'm gonna
clean up Lake Erie?
- No, I haven't.
How're you gonna do that?
- Paint it. (audience laughing)
- How can you paint a lake?
- Watercolors.
(audience laughing)
Heh, see?
- Never thought of that.
Boy, you're a thinker.
- Right.
- I think that's
what that line is.
Hey, have you come up with a...
What about the empty cans?
You got an answer for that?
- That is one of the
most simple ones.
You see, you eliminate cans
and put everything in bottles.
- But what do you
do with all the bottles?
- That's not my problem.
I'm a can man. I'm
sorry. (audience laughing)
You're the bottle man...
- Moving right along.
He asked the next question:
what about the garbage problem?
- Well, I have a
solution for that.
What do you always
see around garbage?
- Uh, flies.
- Right.
Now, what are the flies doing?
- Eatin' the garbage.
- Well now, isn't that simple?
We just put more
flies on the job.
(audience laughing)
- All right.
- Yeah, I know these things.
- Boy, you do.
What about the
oil on the beaches?
- Well, it's ruining all
the wildlife out there.
- Oh I tell you,
those poor ducks...
- What ducks? It ruined...
Ethel and I were out there.
- Ethel?
- You shoulda seen her
duck when the tide came in.
- Ah yes, it... (chuckles).
Didn't say anything
about air pollution.
That's a big problem.
- Well, if people
would stop smoking,
that would get
rid of most of it.
- Well, that's a little
easier said than done.
- Well, not with my
new mouthwash.
- You got mouthwash
to stop smokin'?
- Guaranteed, you
stop smoking right away.
- With this new mouthwash?
- Darn right.
- What's in it?
- Mint-flavored lighter fluid.
- Oh. (audience laughing)
- You smoke around that, whoo!
- That'll do it.
Now what's in the box?
- What box?
- The...
- Oh, this one.
That's my solution
to the smog problem
- No kidding!
- Yes.
Now, I don't wanna look at it.
- Just what is it?
(knocking) What's in there?
- What's in it? Smog's in there.
That's what's in there.
- What's it doing in there?
- Well, that's my solution.
You get everybody in town
to fill up a box with smog.
That's it.
- Well then,
What do they do with the box?
- They mail it to Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Well, what about the
poor people in Cleveland?
- They'll never
know the difference.
- What do you mean?
- In Cleveland,
They'll think it's
urban renewal.
- Oh, for crying out
loud. (audience laughing)
Let's take a look at the
modern world of politics.
Sorry, Cleveland.
(bright band music)
- Alan Sues for senator!
- Johhny Brown for mayor!
- Jimmy Coco for controller!
- Dennis Allen, governor!
- Vote for me...
- No, vote for me...
- Hey, vote for me...
- Yeah, vote for me!
Why not vote for me
If you can raise the
flag and wave her
Ever grant a favor
Go on television
And make no decision
Give a kid a locket
Swipe from daddy's pocket
hold a baby for the crime
My friend, the practice
you're indulging in is
Politics Yes, it's
politics Simply politics
You pay a fella seven dollars
And he kiss brass
ticks You're in politics
Every time
If you can please
the big employers
And the workers' lawyers
Keep 'em busy fightin'
While the fish are biting
Don't improve conditions
'Cept for politicians
Then demand a little fee
My boy, the papers
have a name for it: it's
Politics Yes, it's politics
Good ol' politics
If you can mingle
with the mighty
Or a buncha dicks
You're in politics, yes sirree
When you have
learned the ins and outs
And all of the tricks
Then buddy, you're in politics
Vote for me (applauding)
- The way the
seniority system works,
half the seats in Congress
ought to be rocking chairs.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're here talking
with Mr. Myron Carter,
who is truly the
composite representative
of the average American voter.
Tell me, Mr. Carter,
have you thoroughly
examined the candidates
and their platforms?
- Oh yeah, I have.
- Oh, good.
Then you are ready
to cast your ballot?
- No, I'm not.
- You're not?
Why is that?
- I forgot to register.
(audience laughing)
- Senator McGovern
and President Nixon
are both in favor of withdrawal;
but President Nixon
is talking about troops,
and Senator McGovern is
talking about President Nixon.
(audience laughing)
- Governor Agnew said he
won't run against President Nixon.
He probably means
in the Olympics.
(audience laughing)
- Behind every congressman,
there are dozens
of loyal and devoted
family members.
- Yeah, and they're all
workin' in his office. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
- Maybe we'd get
more action in Congress
if we had some
female senators in there
who were members
of the women's lib,
because they don't
believe in holding things up.
(audience laughing)
- Well, if you wanna
win this election,
you've got to appeal
to all the ethnic groups.
- Yep, even at a $100-a-plate
fundraising dinner?
- Especially at a
fundraising dinner.
That's why I came up
with this special menu here.
I've made some notes.
Now, we want the
black vote, right?
- The black vote, definitely.
- But we don't want
to forget the Italians.
- No, no.
- Right?
So we start the meal off with...
Chitlins parmesan, huh?
(audience groaning)
(audience laughing)
Ha-hah, right.
Now, you want to get support
from the Jewish community.
- Oh, 100%.
- And the Chinese-Americans.
- Right, right.
- Huh?
What do we do?
Sweet and sour matzo balls.
(audience laughing) Huh? Right!
Now, we have a
big northern state,
but we don't wanna
lose the southern states.
- No we don't.
- Huh?
- No, no.
- So for the main course...
- Right. What?
- Huh?
Gettysburgers. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
And southern-fried
Yankee pot roast!
- Hold it, hold it.
What about the Hawaiian group?
- Hawaiians? They're right here.
We're putting them over with
the friendly sons
of St. Patrick.
- But what are we
gonna feed them?
- Well, it's a barbecued pig
with a boiled
potato in its mouth.
What about that, huh?
Pig, boiled potato?
(audience laughing)
Now, we're bringing
in about 200 soldiers.
- Hold it.
- Right.
- How can they afford... I
mean, a big dinner like this?
- Well, it's easy.
We got a special
menu for them, huh?
Only two dollars a shingle.
(audience groaning)
(audience laughing)
- Every time I take
my seat in the Senate,
it's a special thrill for me.
- Yeah well, it's no wonder.
You only do it two or
three times a year. (cackles)
(audience laughing)
You really go on to
stretch your coffee break.
(audience laughing)
- Remember in the old days
when the politicians promised
a chicken in every pot,
two cars in every garage?
Well, that's why today's
politicians are faced
with all that pot
and all those cars.
- I'd like to take this
opportunity to state firmly
that I am not a
candidate for office,
I have never been a
candidate for office,
and never will be a
candidate for office.
However, when I am elected...
(audience laughing) (rimshot)
- Recently, at San Clemente,
President Nixon was
host to Governor Reagan
and former senator
George Murphy.
While Laugh-In had no
witnesses at this historic event,
we wonder whether proper
protocol was observed.
- Well, gentlemen, now
that you've seen the beach,
let me show you the house.
After you, Senator.
- Oh no, sir.
After you, Mr. President.
- After you, Governor?
- No, sir.
After all, you
are the president.
(audience laughing)
- Gentlemen, I am the host,
and the guests do enter first.
- Oh yes, sir.
But you see, according
to protocol of politics,
the president enters first.
- He's right.
- But according to the
standards of etiquette,
the host enters last.
Now, which takes
precedence: etiquette or politics?
- I don't know.
- I don't know either, sir.
- I have a book on
that very subject inside.
I'll go and get it.
- Oh right, good.
You go ahead.
- I'll see you, Senator.
- You don't have to...
- You know,
This is not going to work.
It's getting cold out here.
- I have an idea.
Let's all go in at
the same time.
- Oh, good idea.
- Right.
(banging) (audience laughing)
- Plenty of us in
the senate believe
young people in
this country should
be allowed to have their say.
But not necessarily
in this country.
(audience laughing)
- Why'd I ever
get into politics?
I mean, my entire career
is riding on today's election.
I just can't stand it!
- Ed.
- I can't stand it!
- Ed!
- What is it?
- Relax.
Here, have a cup of coffee.
- No, I don't smoke.
- We're winning, we're winning!
The latest returns show
we're ahead 10,000 votes.
- Oh, I would like to
thank all the little people
who made this victory possible.
Oh, and...
- Ed.
The upstate returns are in.
They show you're falling behind.
- Oh! I needed this?
I needed this, me?
Me, with a diploma
from teacher's college?
I could be in a classroom
right now, with...
- Ed, Ed, the vote is in.
It looks very good, governor!
- I'm proud of you, dear.
- I would like to thank
all the little people,
for making this moment possible;
and my administration
will be devoted
to social reform and
economic stability
for the little people.
- Oh, Ed.
The ru-ha vote went against you.
- I'm ruined.
Every cent I had
went into this election!
Every cent I had went
into this whole campaign!
- I always knew you
were a loser, you bum.
(audience laughing) (sobbing)
- Final vote is in!
Congratulations, you've
been elected by 25 votes!
- A landslide!
(audience laughing)
(muttering)
- Neither did I, dear.
(telephone rings)
- Hello? Oh. Ed, Ed.
It's the president. (gasping)
Did you hear that?
It's the president.
Calm down.
- Hello?
Oh, thank you very
much, (telephone rings)
Mr. President; that's
awfully nice of you to call.
- It's your opponent.
- Just a minute.
Mr. President, it's my opponent.
He's on the other phone.
He probably wants
to congratulate me.
Would you just hold on a moment?
Thank you so much.
Hello? (audience tittering)
Yes, what is that?
You want a recount?
(audience laughing)
Oh come on, I wanna win so much!
Oh please, let me win?
Yes, I'll support all
of your programs, sir.
But I've never won
anything in my whole life!
I mean, the president
called me and everything!
Would you... absolutely sir.
Yes, really is a terrific guy.
Absolutely yes, Mr. President...
Can't we just take
turns or something?
Could you hold, Mr...
Could you just hold on a minute?
Could you just hold on
a minute, Mr. President?
I'm terribly sorry;
I'll be right with you...
I mean, can't you
just... No, hello?
Mr. Presi... what happened?
Where did he go?
Oh, I lost the president!
You see what you made me do?
I lost the pre...
- You're in tune with
Washington, D.C.
And a.c.
The occupation that's
designed for you is
Politics All them
polls are fixed
But it's politics
If you look good on
television And you've
Made some flicks You're in
Politics, all the
way Vote for me
(applauding)
- Oh.
Just imagine being
married to Buffalo Bill,
the greatest Indian
scout of them all.
Oh.
(whoops weakly)
(audience tittering)
(wistful music)
(snores)
(whoops weakly)
Oh, I wish my Bill were here.
When he's away, this house
just doesn't smell the same.
(audience laughing)
(sniffs)
Oh! You're just my Bill!
- And you're just my
Buffalo. (audience laughing)
- Where have you been, Bill?
You're late for dinner.
- Oh, I was captured
by the Indians.
They staked me out and they
beat me, and they tortured me!
- Oh, my poor baby.
Come here and let me kiss you.
- Hasn't my poor body
been through enough today?
- Oh Buffalo, why didn't you
offer them my body instead?
- I did, I did girl!
That's why they tortured
me! (audience laughing)
- Oh, Buff! (blow lands)
You're always making fun of me.
If you don't love me,
why did you marry me?
- Because you were the
prettiest one of the herd.
- Oh! (whooping)
- Here they come again!
(weapons firing)
- Oh, it's the Indians!
Thousands of them!
Oh Buffalo, why don't
we just surrender?
- Don't you know
what them Indians
do to the women they capture?
- Oh, no!
- You don't?
I'll tell you what they do.
- Oh! (gasps)
- Wait, I didn't tell
you the best part.
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
- You better be...
- Are you sure?
- And then...
- Oh! (whooping)
(audience laughing)
- Look at them Indians go!
- Oh, what do those
Indians know about love?
- Dunno, but they
were an awful lot of fun
at the dance last night.
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
- Ah! Oh!
(silly music)
- Well Dick, tonight,
the Xerox corporation
is the recipient of
Laugh-In's Whoopee Award.
- And I know why, too.
For being able to
spell Xerox without a Z.
- (laughs) No.
It's for offering
something very unusual
to their employees.
- Oh?
- A year's leave of
absence with full pay,
to pursue social
welfare projects.
- Well, who gets the year off?
The guy who keeps
their mouth shut
about the office party?
(audience laughing)
- Any employee with
three years in the company.
That's about 28,000 people.
- Wow.
- Yep.
The company's president,
Mr. C. Peter McColough,
said the new program, involving
up to 200 employees a year,
will encourage them to work
on solutions to social problems
during the prime of
their working careers.
- Well now, there's
an investment
everybody's gonna profit from.
- Darn right.
So, for initiating a
marvelous new plan
for bettering society,
tonight's Whoopee Award
wings its way to the
Xerox corporation.
- For people who
specialize in copying things,
they've certainly come
up with an original idea.
- Congratulations.
- Whoopee!
(applauding)
- [Jimmy] Good morning.
- Yes?
- What could I get if
I brought in a piano,
a ship's anchor,
and an antique safe?
- I don't know.
Probably a hernia.
(audience laughing)
- Nurse, I've got this
bowling ball stuck on my hand,
and I can't get it off!
What should I do?
- Well, I wouldn't
scratch my head.
(audience laughing)
Or put your hand in your pocket.
(laughing)
- This message that this
program has been prerecorded
has been prerecorded.
This has been a
prerecorded message.
Hello. (audience tittering)
- Let's see.
Peanuts.
Potato chips, cheese dip.
Now, how about the punch?
- You got it.
(blow lands) (audience laughing)
- If I'm not mistaken,
I'm Gary Owens.
If I am mistaken, I...
Wish you'd drop me a line
and let me know who I am.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(blows land)
- Terrific, I'll do it!
(audience laughing)
- Miss Crabben?
Will you take this note?
(plays off-key note)
(audience laughing)
(blows land) (audience laughing)
- To make a good impression
on a movie producer,
a friend of mine wore a
padded bra to an audition...
And then was turned
down for the part,
because he was too
tall. (audience laughing)
- Miss?
- Yeah.
- My bill came to $1.75.
- So?
- I gave you $2.
I'm supposed to
get a quarter back.
- S'posed to get a what?
- A quarter back!
- You got it!
- Aah!
(crashing)
- Ruth, I'm telling you.
Salesmen today just
don't allow you any privacy.
One opened my door this morning
and tried to sell me a
magazine subscription.
- Oh Lily, what's
so bad about that?
- It was the shower door.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's terrible!
- You're telling me.
It took me an hour and
a half to get rid of him.
(audience laughing)
- Say mister, how 'bout
a rare imported watch?
- Lemme see it.
How do I know this
thing's any good?
- Are you kidding?
Look at all the fine detail
work on Mickey's face.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you know, I could
take this into the shop;
or if you prefer, I can
overcharge you here.
(audience laughing)
(blows landing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, you take a little look.
You sneak a little peek.
You could goggle at my elbows,
you could ogle at my cheeks.
You could gaze upon my leg,
you could scrutinize my thigh.
But if you touch
a single thing, I'll...
Belt you in the eye.
(audience laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
(chuckling)
(liquid gurgling)
- Are you ready
for love, my dear?
- Not at the moment, darling.
- But why not, my dear?
- You just put your
cigarette out on my hand.
(groans) (audience laughing)
(quiet jazz music)
- Are you ready for romance?
(lampshade clatters) (tweeting)
(tinkling saloon music)
(audience laughing)
- Alan, you've never done
anything right in your whole life!
It's time to end it all!
(gun fires) (glass shatters)
I've killed myself.
(moaning)
- I just wanna know one thing.
What time will you
be home for lunch?
(audience laughing)
- Hi, buddy.
- Hi there.
- It's funny being
here, ain't it?
I mean, a while back, a man
in a place like this
would be called a sissy.
Now, you can come in
here and still act like a man.
Have a cigar.
- No, no thanks.
My nails haven't dried
yet. (audience laughing)
- That's not the way a
man looks at his nails.
I mean, a woman looks
at her nails like that.
A man looks at
his nails like this.
Good heavens,
look at those nails.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm having
trouble with my cuticles.
- Cuticles?
Now what kind of a
man would worry over
such a fussy little detail?
I got a real problem.
- What is it?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Go ahead.
- Well, all right.
I've got unwanted facial hair.
(audience tittering)
- All men grow facial hair.
- I know, but on their stomach?
- Well, why don't
you wear it up?
(laughing) (audience laughing)
I just hope my hair
comes out all right.
- Oh, I do too.
All I want is a simple,
conservative man's haircut;
a close trim with just a touch
of curl around the shoulders.
How you havin' yours done?
- I'm having mine like
Mr. Shirley over there has.
- Mr. Shirley has a pageboy.
- Well, I don't care about that.
I'd just like a haircut.
(audience laughing)
- Lemme tell you something
about that papaya, Mr. Shirley.
You know, I think
there's something
a little funny about him,
you know what I mean?
- What makes you
say a thing like that?
- Well, if he ain't, what's
he doin' in a place like this?
- From the looks
of these people,
they should be taking their
coffee breaks from a trough.
(audience laughing)
- In Burbank, 56.4%
of the people get cool
by freezing midgets and
holding them under their arms.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Louis.
I'm going on a trip.
Would you pack my trunk, please?
- Very good, sir.
(audience tittering)
Will there be
anything else, sir?
- That'll do it just
fine, thank you.
- If you don't mind
my saying so, sir...
I'm going to miss you very much.
- Well, have you heard
something I haven't?
- No, but...
If you don't mind,
(audience
tittering) I'll just go.
- Might as well, I'm
gonna shoot you anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you sir, and goodnight.
- Y'all right?
S'all right.
- It's okay.
- Barbara.
Rita.
Raquel.
Karen.
- Karen? Who's Karen?
(whip snaps)
- What are you so happy about?
- Tomorrow's my
day with the whip.
(groaning)
- London fog is just
like California smog,
except you don't have
to chew it as much.
- Oh.
Oh, I see great sadness ahead.
A tall, dark,
good-looking stranger
is coming into your life.
- What's so bad about that?
- Your husband's gonna
fall in love with her.
(audience laughing)
- But Mr. President, it's two
o'clock in the morning, sir.
- I don't care if it takes
the rest of the night.
We must settle on a firm,
decisive course of action.
It's time for a
show of strength.
(telephone rings)
Excuse me. Hello?
(clears throat) No, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
No, I said I cannot do that.
Okay.
I-I love you.
(audience laughing)
(clears throat) Oh, all right.
I l... I love you, poopsiekins.
(telephone clatters)
(audience laughing)
All right, now as
far as our tactical
nuclear capabilities
are concerned,
we've got to establish
immediate superiority.
- Yes sir, and we're doing
the very best we possibly can.
- You'll have to do better.
I won't stand for any
more... (telephone rings)
Excuse me. Hello?
I have no idea what
time I'll be home, dear.
(audience laughing)
No, none of the
other wives are here.
Just a general, an admiral,
and a couple of the secretaries.
(telephone rings)
That's the secretary of defense,
(audience laughing)
and the secretary of state.
Not Miss Walker
and Miss Matthews.
- Uh, sir.
Did you wanna go over
these intelligence reports?
- Immediately. (telephone rings)
Look, I'm very busy.
I do not, repeat, do
not want to talk to you.
We have absolutely nothing
more to say to each other.
What's that?
Very well, if that's
the way you feel,
it's perfectly all
right with me.
(telephone clatters) Gentlemen.
What I have to tell
you now is very serious.
- You mean that you and
your wife are getting a divorce?
- No.
That was Queen Elizabeth,
and we're going to war.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
- Allow me, my darling.
- Oh, thank you.
- Tell me, is
this the first time
you've been to a
man's apartment?
(giggling) (telephone rings)
(drum boings)
(audience laughing)
- Is it darker than a buffalo?
- Well, that's
enough of your ESP.
The Great Ricardo, indeed.
It's time to say goodnight.
- C'mon, gimme one more hint.
- All right.
What do you look at when
you want the right time?
- Bernice! (audience laughing)
With her, it's
always the right time.
- You're wrong again.
- What do you mean wrong again?
It's always the right
time, isn't that right?
- No, that's wrong, wrong.
- I'll never guess it.
I give up.
Here, take your watch back.
I'll try again next week.
(audience laughing)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight,
everybody. (applauding)
(bright music)
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
- Good night...
cabbage. And gum.
And good night... Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(groaning) (audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (groans)
- Doesn't anybody ever
say "Goodnight, Dan?"
(audience laughing)
- You know, I come
from a broken home.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, your parents are divorced?
- No, I fell on it.
(audience laughing)
- I know a checkout clerk in
the supermarket who works
so hard, the poor guy has
paper bags under his eyes.
(audience laughing) (sobbing)
- Well I... Ruthie, I know
a guy who's so cheap,
one morning, he read
Forest Lawn was holding
a special on funerals,
so he shot himself.
- You keep it down?
We're tryin' to sleep!
Ah, by the way.
In Detroit, they just came
out with micro-mini cars.
Did you hear that?
- [Man] No kidding!
- Micro... oh! Mini cars.
Which are not only
economical on gas and oil,
they may also be
used as cuff links.
Call me in the morning.
(audience laughing)
- I'll tell ya,
this morning, I...
This morning, I bowled
and then I knitted.
I'll tell ya the truth,
I've been on pins
and needles all day.
(audience laughing)
- Lily?
- Yes, Barbara?
- You know, a friend of
mine just broke ground
on a new construction site?
- Oh, is he a contractor?
- Well no, he isn't.
He's a skydiver, and
his chute didn't open.
(audience laughing)
(singing)
(whimsical music)
(hammer clatters)
(audience laughing)
(clattering) (clapping)
(creaking)