Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 11 - Episode #5.11 - full transcript
- Oh, oh, what a night!
(giggling)
Here we are.
Ah, yes.
Oh, hang on.
There you go, there!
It's my fault.
I should have told you.
(laughter)
I'm a big tipper.
Well, so it won't be a
total loss, will you join us?
(light honky-tonk music)
- Well, that's the last
of the home movies.
(laughter)
- [Dispatch] One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12,
please report to 31st and
Westfield, a family dispute.
A 250 pound woman is
beating up her husband.
- Why don't you see
if you can get another
station on that thing?
- Some people wonder
why Three Dog Night
is a seven piece band.
Simple.
One of us had puppies.
(laughter)
- Scene 62, Truman
Capote as Superman.
Cue the miracle.
- Flight seven, cleared
for takeoff to New York.
- [Pilot] We've got
a hijacker aboard!
- Flight seven, cleared
for takeoff to Havana.
(laughing)
- Is this the two dollar window?
- Yes it is.
- Would you give
me the two dollars?
(laughter)
(light honky-tonk music)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(glass shattering)
- The next guy who
makes fun of my height
get a punch in the knee.
- Honey, what's for dinner?
- You're home.
- How'd you figure that out?
Recognize the car?
(laughter)
- Now that we
got all this money,
let's put it right in
the stock market.
- No, that's too risky.
We'll put it in the
bank where it's safe.
- Good idea.
(laughter)
- Hey, for recreation today,
what's say we play football?
- Touch?
- Good idea!
That's a better game.
- I do not have to sit
here and be subjected
to tasteless and
vulgar jokes like that.
In fact, I have a
good mind to return
to my previous
profession just as soon as
I can locate my pasties.
(laughter)
- My father was so tough that
when I told him I
wanted a little brother,
he went out and stole one.
- When I was at
the Chinese temple,
I saw a beautiful
plaque that said,
"Confucious say he who is
honest is a man of peace."
I liked it so much I stole it.
(laughter)
- On Bewitched, I play a
witch who can change anything
into something else,
like a person into a frog,
and right now, I'm
summoning up all my powers
to try to change this
program into a comedy show.
- I've only done one
good deed in my whole life.
I helped a little old
lady across the street.
I had to.
I was using her as a shield.
(laughter)
- I went into a
restaurant the other night
and ordered a steak and
the waiter tried to
pound it into my heart.
- Hey, Three Dog Night, sir.
You guys are great.
Hey, where do you go from here?
- We have...
- Oh!
- We have a world
tour scheduled.
- We're even going to Denmark.
- Yeah, we may come
back as The Supremes.
(laughter)
- I hate to interrupt you.
I just wanted to tell you how
much we're looking forward
to this great special
you've got coming up.
- Right, Perry
Como's Winter Show,
December 9th on NBC.
- Thanks, Dick.
Dan, very nice.
- Hey, by the way, why are
you doing a winter show?
- Yeah, what's that?
- Well, it's something
that NBC told me.
They said, "Perry, it's
gonna be a cold day
"when you get on
this network again."
(laughter)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Smog Control Center
and Garbage Incinerator,
NBC, the Normal
But Crazy network,
is ready for being committed to
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the
well-ordered Dan Rowan,
(applause)
and the disorderly Dick Martin.
(applause)
With special guest stars
Three Dog Night and
Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
(applause)
With Dennis Alan,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson and Larry Hovis.
With cameo appearances
by Perry Como,
Martin Milner, Kent McCord,
and tonight's villains
Sheldon Leonard,
Mike Mazurki, Agnes Moorhead,
Vincent Price, Jack Soo,
and me, I'm Gary Owens with this
important caution
to pedestrians.
(car horn honking)
Beep beep!
Thank you.
But first, this banana muffin.
- Here are two guy who, in
the words of Abraham Lincoln,
the world will little
note nor long remember,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(applause and cheers)
- Thank you very much.
- Huzzah!
- Thank you for that
wonderful introduction, John.
(maracas rattling)
- Look out!
- What do you mean, look out?
What's that?
- I found it in the attic.
It belonged to my uncle.
- Your uncle?
Your uncle used to
be Carmen Miranda?
(laughter)
- No, my uncle is the famous
Monsoon Martin, the rainmaker.
- Ah, Monsoon Martin.
- Look out!
Here she comes!
(maracas rattling)
(laughter)
- Hold it, are you trying
to tell me your uncle
made rain with that thing?
- Well, you've heard of
the great Atlantic Desert?
- That's the great
Atlantic Ocean.
- Sure, now!
- I guarantee you that that
stupid thing won't make rain.
- Well, it made some yesterday.
- Well, it didn't
rain yesterday.
- It did in Argentina.
(laughter)
- What makes you think that
thing made it rain in Argentina?
- Well, it had to!
This is the only
one in the world!
- Oh, that explains that.
Where did your uncle find it?
- It was given to him
by the medicine man of
the Ugetme Indian tribe.
- The Ugetme?
How did they get
a name like that?
- Well, it's simple.
Every time the medicine man
would shake this thing like this
the brave would turn
to the squaw and say,
"Quick, ugetme an umbrella!"
Or "Ugetme rubbers!"
(laughter)
- Yes, I...
- That's why they
called it Ugetme.
- Give me that!
- Okay, but be careful.
That thing killed my uncle.
- Killed him?
- Yeah, one morning, he
woke up with the shakes
and before he could
put it down, he drowned.
(laughter)
Oh, oh!
You're gonna regret that!
(thunder rumbling)
- Tonight's a real
special show and
we're going to find out...
(thunder rumbling)
- Okay, who's the wise guy?
- Fellas, could I
join the group?
- Why not?
We could use a baritone.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- No, what we
need is a girl singer.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- Besides, if we did, we'd
have to change the name
to Four Dog Night.
- Oh!
- Once upon a time,
there was a handsome
prince who was in love
with a beautiful princess.
- And they got married
and rode of to a castle
in the middle of the forest.
- On the wedding night,
the beautiful princess
put on a pretty gown
of pink and yellow lace.
- The prince also
put on a pretty gown
of pink and yellow lace.
(laughter)
- Now, that's what
I call a fairy tale.
- One reason I never
lose a man is because
I never make him choose
between being with me
or going out with the boys.
I just tell him to
bring the boys along.
(laughter)
- The Melvin Laird Cocktail:
One drink and you get
defensive about everything.
(laughter)
- The Pentagon Cocktail:
Two drinks and you start
denying you've had even one.
- The Dean Martin Cocktail:
15 drinks and you
begin to work up a thirst.
(laughter)
(snorting)
- Half a ringy-dingy.
I just love those.
(snorting)
Another ringy-dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the electric company?
Good, this is Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company.
Now, this may come
as a shock to you,
(snorting)
(laughter)
but your bill is way
past due and unless you,
as we say in the trade,
fork up, we're going to have
to discontinue your service.
Now, what do you
have to say to that?
(snorting)
(orchestral flourish)
(laughter)
Hello?
- Here are some more
items for sale from
The Foonman Motion
Picture Studio Auction:
a giant tapestry woven out of
Jackie Coogan's
discarded toupees,
(laughter)
Audrey Hepburn's hammock
which was once used
by Mae West as
a bathing suit top,
a letter from the American
Medical Association
throwing Dr. Doolittle
out of the AMA
for appearing in a movie
that lost so much money.
(laughter)
- Dick, did you
ever watch the show
when I was on the weekly show?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Como,
but I was generally
asleep while you were on.
- That's funny, so was I.
(cymbal crashing)
- [Lily] A gracious hello.
Eveready Battery Company?
About your phone bill, I...
(flashlight clicking)
(laughter)
- Good evening and
welcome to Animal Corner.
Tonight I have here with me
the most mysterious of beasts,
the chicken.
(cawing and clucking)
- I'm cock of the walk.
La da da!
Kind of gets you
crazy, doesn't it?
(laughter)
- You are a chicken.
- So's your old man.
- No, no no.
I mean you are a fowl.
- How would you like
a peck in the mouth?
I didn't get fluffed
up for this for nothing.
(laughter)
- I have here a
list of questions...
- Oh, sure, questions.
- I'd like to ask
you, Mr. Chicken.
First of all, could you
tell us once and for all,
why did the chicken...
(chicken clucking)
why did the chicken
cross the road?
- Gloria.
- Gloria?
- Yeah, you see, the first
chicken to cross the road
was my great uncle,
Leroy, and he was married to
my aunt Clara, who
was a cold duck and
wouldn't let anybody near her.
So, there was this adorable
Rhode Island redhead
across the road, a
little chick named Gloria.
Well, she was something...
- Never mind, never
mind, never mind.
Let's go on to something else.
- And that's what
Uncle Leroy said!
(laughter)
- I've often
wondered... (squawking)
do you chickens
have any kind of idols?
- I seem to have lost that.
Sure! Henny Youngman.
(laughter)
He's laid more eggs than
any of us could ever dream of.
(squawking)
- I have one final question.
- Gee, I've copped
out on my crow.
What is it?
- Why do roosters
crow at sunrise?
- Oh, that's very simple.
You see, they usually
put one rooster in with
two or 300 hens and at
the end of a long night,
he's out there calling
for help, you dumb cluck.
(laughter)
(squawking)
- And that's it for
Animal Corner.
Next week, we'll
talk to Mr. Turtle.
Would you watch it?
You know, you're the
original chicken joke.
- I think that is rude.
(rooster crowing)
- Hey, Pete, how long
have you been on the force?
- 13 years, why?
- I was just wondering.
Whenever I turn on the siren,
you always pull over to
the side of the road and stop.
(laughter)
- Water pollution is killing us.
- Air pollution is killing us.
- My girl is killing me.
- Elliott Wax Candle Company?
- Mr. Leonard, why do you talk
out of the side of your mouth?
- Well, are you right-handed?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'm left-lipped.
(laughter)
- You know, I'm not exactly
sure how to pronounce
your last name.
Do you call yourself Miss
Moorhead or Miss Moorhead?
- I don't know.
I've never had to call myself.
(laughter)
- Hi, Mike, baby!
Hey, listen, do they
call you Iron Mike
because you have
muscles like steel?
- No, because my face looks like
I stuck it in a blast furnace.
(laughter)
- Mr. Price, I don't think
you're the mean, evil,
you know, weird person that
you always play on the screen.
I kind of think you're a nice,
personable, normal man.
- Well, thank you and
to show my appreciation,
I'm not going to
bite you on the neck.
(laughter)
- Perry, first you
were a barber,
then you got to be a
popular singer, right?
- Yes, and then The
Beatles came in and
killed two professions
at the same time.
(laughter)
- Bonnie, we've got
to go back inside there.
- What is the matter, Clyde?
- I forgot to get my
parking ticket validated.
(laughter)
- This is what The
King Family looks like
when it wakes up in the morning.
(bouncy upbeat music)
We're your simple Pilgrim girls
Basic black with hat, no pearls
We get done up once a year
When your turkey time is near
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In way we hope will amuse
Gobble gobble gobble You
Gobble gobble gobble
We just love to
give you our views
La da dee dah It's turkey time
and Laugh-In's giving
Great big thanks for the news
- [All] Thanks Dick Thanks Dan
You're welcome (turkey gobbling)
(applause)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with war
correspondents in touch,
Aristotle Onassis with much,
Hugh Hefner around the hutch,
and the Queen of
Holland in Dutch.
(laughter)
- And now, here's Dick
Martin with the present news.
- News of the Present:
Vandalism in the name of
Women's Lib reached its peak
last night when an unknown
sculptor scaled Mount Rushmore
and transformed the four
gigantic busts of former presidents
into one gigantic
bust of Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
Vandals!
- [Dan] Vandals, vandals.
- Burbank:
The Mayor of Burbank
today cancelled
his nickel-a-plate
fundraising dinner
when the guy with the
nickel failed to show up.
(laughter)
- [Dan] Really?
- I don't know.
Today, the Justice
Department filed suit against
three of the nation's
largest corporations,
charging violation of the
Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
The three conglomerates
forced to disband are
General Motors, IBM,
and The King Family.
(laughter)
And now, with news of
the future, where's Dan?
- [Dan] Here's Dan.
- [Dick] Ah, good.
- New of the Future,
20 years from now.
A noted scientist has perfected
a new birth control
method for men.
He said it's quite simple.
You find out that your
wife didn't take the pill,
you take a powder.
(laughter)
Think about it.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
Because of rising inflation,
the President has found it
necessary to put into effect
a price freeze
on all food stuffs.
This means, for example,
that tomatoes will remain
at their present
cost, $285 a pound.
(laughter)
That's high, yes.
Whichever comes first.
(laughter)
News of the future,
1972, one year from today.
After concluding his highly
successful world-wide trip to
Russia, Red China, Egypt,
Cambodia, Japan, Taiwan,
Australia and France,
President Nixon returned
to the United States
today to discover that
he had completely
missed the election.
(laughter)
- And now...
- Go right ahead, Dick.
- Thank you very much.
And now, with Kid News for Kids,
here's Moosie Drier in a
treehouse, somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Kid News for Kids.
Boy, am I tired.
I stayed up all night long
doing my homework because
we had a big test this
morning and I wanted
to make sure that I passed,
so I stayed up all night long
until I learned every answer
but it didn't work out.
This morning, when the
teacher gave us our tests,
I fell asleep.
(laughter)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now we take you
to the Philippines,
where a lost tribe of
primitive natives has
recently been discovered.
- Sir, I just noticed there
are no children in your tribe.
- Children?
- Yes, no babies.
Have you people
discovered some form of
primitive birth control?
- I don't know about
things like that.
You'd better ask my wife.
Sweetheart, would
you come out here?
Someone wants to
ask you something.
- Okey-dokey, honey.
What is it, lady?
(laughter)
- Never mind.
Back to you, Dan.
- Listen, please,
to this in-depth
report from The Water Sport.
- Hi, there.
We're talking to the very
beautiful Miss Esther Wilhelm,
the world's greates
long distance swimmer.
(laughter)
- Hi, tiger.
- Miss Wilhelm, where did
you start your swimming career?
- The Mississippi River.
- Oh, well how
far across was it?
- I don't know.
I swam it lengthwise.
(laughter)
- Remarkable!
- And from there,
the English Channel.
- I didn't know you swam
across the English Channel.
- Not across, silly.
To it.
- Wow, those are
two amazing feats.
- Thanks.
As long as you're
looking down there,
what do you think of my legs?
- Whoa!
- That's one, that's the other.
(laughter)
- Gorgeous, gorgeous!
They must give you quite a kick.
- They do.
And you seem to be
enjoying them, too.
- Oh, I am, I am!
(laughter)
- Say, how'd you like to
try the Australian Crawl?
- Oh, but I can't swim.
- Who's talking about swimming?
(laughter)
- Hi.
(chuckling)
Busy Buzzi here with
all the inside dope on
the far-out folks
here in Tinseltown.
I'm here at the premiere
of the new motion picture,
The Godfather.
There certainly is a lot of
excitement outside the theater
and wait a minute, yes,
here comes the star
of The Godfather now.
Oh, yes.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
- Hi, sports fans.
Big Al, here.
(faint whistling)
Oh, good heavens!
Your voice has changed!
Like a meadowlark in spring,
nothing like a little
tweet on the tweeter.
(laughter)
Well, tonight I'm going to
show you some hand signals
used by the hockey officials.
This means offsides
and this means
I think my deodorant has frozen.
(laughter)
And this means, good
heavens I've swallowed my puck.
(laughter)
And this means
I'm ready for my big
number at the Ice Capades.
Look out, Peggy Fleming!
Eat your heart out!
Ta-ta!
(laughter)
Dizzy is as dizzy does.
Bye-bye!
- And that's the way it is,
Tuesday, January 1st, 19 AD.
(laughter)
La da dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Gobble
gobble gobble gobble
(applause)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
(laughter)
You know what?
Mama took me and my
boyfriend, Junior Phillips,
to the drive-in
movie and she said,
"Children, you must
act like grown-ups
"and behave
yourself like adults."
So, we jumped in the
back seat and started
to wrestle with each other.
(laughter)
That's what people was
doing in the other cars
and that that's the truth.
- You guys are really great.
- Hey, Mike, how do
you get all that excitement
and energy going
when you perform?
- Oh, it's just a little
gimmick we use.
When we play our
electric instruments,
we always try to stand
in about an inch of water.
(laughter)
- Hey, Shelly, when you
were a gangster in the movies
and had a little
disagreement with a guy,
what would you do?
- We'd iron it out, you know.
You would be
surprised how fast a guy
will change his opinion when you
hit him in the
head with an iron.
(laughter)
- Being a villain means
never having to say
"I'm sorry I kicked you, madam.
"May I help you back
in your wheelchair?"
(laughter)
- I resent being
typecast as a witch.
The next producer who
asks me to play a witch
is going to get
a hex put on him.
- You know, this show
is a villain's dream.
- Why do you say that?
- Because every Monday
night, it hurts millions of people.
(laughter)
- I'm living proof that there is
such a thing as reincarnation.
I died on this show last year,
and here I am doing it again.
(laughter)
- You know how the police in
Burbank get the traffic moving?
- No, how?
- They yell, "Giddyap!"
(orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
(turkey gobbling)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
- Gee, Perry, in your
show business career,
you must have
broken a lot of records.
- Well, I have, and they all
belong to Wayne Newton.
(laughter)
(machine gun fire)
- You know, Clyde, next time
we've got to get a babysitter.
I'm sick and tired of bring
the kid to work with us.
(laughter)
- Hey, we'd better get
to the cocktail party.
It's Three Dog Night.
- What?
- Three Dog Night.
- George Jessel has three dates?
- Oh, come on, Three Dog Night,
the most popular musical
group in the country.
- Let's go!
I can hardly wait to hear them.
(applause)
(Three Dog Night's
"Joy To The World")
Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood
a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
And he always had
some mighty fine wine
Singing joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me -
Hi, Three Dog Night.
- [Band] Hi, guys!
- Hey, who's top dog?
- [Band] We are.
- Hey, you ever have
any disagreements?
- No.
- Yes.
- Sometimes.
If I were the king of the world
I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars
And the bars and the wars
And make sweet
love to you (cackling)
- So, what kind of
gown is that, toots?
- It's bridal.
- Bridal?
Well, that figures.
But where are the
stirrups and saddle?
(laughing)
(laughter)
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- I go along with Pope
Paul and his opposition
to clerical marriage but I
do get some arguments
about it from my wife (laughter)
- Dick, you can't just
expect me to drop everything
and run to your apartment.
- I was hoping it would
be the other way around.
(laughter)
You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I'm a high night flyer
And a rainbow rider
A straight-shooting son of a gun
I said a straight-shooting
son of a gun
- Senator, excuse me
for disturbing you but
some people say there's a
lot of waste in government.
- They're right, they're
right and personally,
I'm putting a stop to
wasteful spending in my office,
no matter how much it costs.
(laughter)
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- Listen, you can't
say the networks aren't
doing their part
to make life better.
Why, this year, they took
crime out of the streets
and made 12 new
TV series out of it.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
All the boys and
girls Joy to the world
Joy to you and me
- Oh, the economy is so bad,
that if if things don't pick up,
the bottom's gonna fall
right out of my business.
(squealing)
(laughter)
Joy to the world Yeah, baby
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- Kids, my girlfriend
took me for a ride
in her new sports car.
- [All] Oh, really?
What?
- In her new sports car.
- [All] Oh!
- It's amazing how far
you can go in a two-seater.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
Joy to you and me
- You know, people ask me
why I'm constantly smiling.
Actually, I'm not.
I just like to keep my teeth
in eating position at all times.
(laughter)
Joy to the world Yeah
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- I've just heard
of a new pop group
with an insane new name.
- What is it?
- The Mills Brothers.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
You know I meant joy
All the boys and girls
Yeah yeah
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
(applause)
- Mr. Leonard, why do you talk
out of the side of your mouth?
- Because nothing
I have to say to you
would be worth and entire lip.
(laughter)
- People think that I
play the part of a villain
because I'm Oriental,
but that's not true.
- What's the real reason?
- The real reason is that
deep down, I'm a rotten person.
(laughter)
- That doesn't matter as
long as you love your Mum.
- Hey, Mike, who's the
meanest guy you ever heard of?
- Well, it would be a toss-up
between the Marquis de Sade
and the guy who gave Henny
Youngman his first break.
(laughter)
- I know you always play a
sinister person in the movies.
- Well, yes, that's
true, but it's just a job.
It enables me to
buy food, clothing and
an occasional bottle of blood.
(laughter)
- Because Dan is
terribly embarrassed
about tonight's quickies,
during the last commercial
he grew a beard,
hoping none of you
would recognize him.
(laughter)
- Some of the friends
have written in asking
why we call this next
section The Quickies.
Well, the reason...
- Toro! Toro!
Hey, I'm pulling away!
- You're all dressed
up as a matador.
- Why, so am I.
(laughter)
- No, why are you
dressed as a matador?
- Because the officials
won't let me fight the bull
with my regular outfit.
- What's that?
- The 72nd Airborne Division.
(laughter)
- Since...
- We'd get 'em out here.
- Since when did you get
interested in bullfighting?
- Why, it's in my blood.
- In your blood?
- My uncle, was the
famous matador, El Gorilla.
- El Gorilla?
Why was he called El Gorilla?
- Because he used to
fight the bull from the tree.
(laughter)
- That sounds stupid.
- I know, he tried
it the other way
but the bull kept
falling out of the tree.
(laughter)
- Would you call your uncle
a successful bullfighter?
- Well, in all his career,
he never had one bull
come up the tree and get him.
That's pretty successful.
(laughter)
- It sounds to me as if he
were a very cowardly bullfighter.
- Non contrary, amigo.
- Oh, you learned the
language and everything.
(laughter)
- I don't hang out with
Desi Arnaz for nothing.
(laughter)
Why, when he first started,
he used to stand in the middle
of the arena without a cape.
- Without a cape?
- Yes, he used to use something
that drove the bull crazy.
- What was that?
- A naked cow.
(laughter)
- That really sounds
like a dumb, dull bullfight.
- Are you kidding?
At one point, he had
everyone in the arena
standing up on their feet.
- What happened?
- The bull chased him
up into the grandstand.
(laughter)
Ole!
- If I were your uncle,
I'd be ashamed of myself.
- Ashamed?
Why, that bullfight
went down in history.
- That fight?
- That bullfight
went down in history.
- Yes.
- You know, the first
time, it was the first time.
Notice how I keep going.
(laughter)
- Yes.
(laughter)
- It was the first time...
- You got my
attention, I tell you that.
- I know, that's because
I'm talking so loud, though.
(laughter)
It's the first time
a great performer
was ever awarded the ears.
- Now, wait a
minute, loud talker.
The awards have been given...
- See how contagious it is?
(laughter)
- They've been awarding
ears for centuries.
- To the bull?
(laughter)
- No, what do you say
we go to The Quickies?
- Ole!
(laughter)
- Excuse me, sir, I
have a pair of pants
made especially for
Napoleon Bonaparte.
What are they worth?
- Nothing.
He's dead.
(laughter)
- All right, everybody!
Give me an A!
(piano notes)
(humming)
Out of my house (laughter)
(slide whistle trilling)
(laughter)
- All right, Tex.
Come out from behind that bar.
I'm gonna make you dance.
(light classical music)
(laughter)
- [Dan] Get back behind
the bar, will ya, Tex?
(laughter)
- Like a sloe gin fizz?
(laughter)
- I was on the bus today and
not one man would
offer me his seat.
Finally, one man
did give me his seat,
so I thanked him and
then returned his dentures.
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
- I knew a rock group
once that came that close
to making it big except
they had the wrong attitude.
Blood, Sweat and Laughs.
(chuckling)
(laughter)
- Well, Dick, how did
you like The Quickies?
- Oh, oh, Dick!
I wonder if I could take a
photograph before you go, sir.
- We don't have
time for that, Hawkins.
(laughter)
Well, now look what you've done.
(laughter)
- Here, sir, here, take that.
Now, take a snap
if you can, sir.
I shall hold the pose
as long as possible.
For me Mum.
(laughter)
- Will you get out of here?
- It's my heart, sir!
(laughter)
- Dan has permission to leave
the room to shave his beard.
The next time you see
him, he will be clean-shaven.
(laughter)
- There are two ingredients
necessary to form
a compatible, happy,
show business marriage.
- The first is to have a
husband who is a terrific liar.
- And the second is to have a
wife who believes everything.
- Sheldon, have you always
talked the way you do?
- Yeah, all my life.
When I was an actor,
they wouldn't let me
play the part of an Indian
because when I
used sign language,
I used to talk out
of the side of my fist.
(laughter)
- You can't talk that way to me.
(laughing)
- They say that
crime doesn't pay.
- Yeah, but now that
we're in Phase Two,
name one occupation that does.
(laughter)
- Mike, you've
played a lot of parts.
Have you ever played
a romantic lead?
- Well, I was supposed
to be in one picture
where the girl fell
in love with me.
- Yeah?
- But they couldn't find a
girl that could act that good.
(laughter)
- Vincent Price, baby!
- You know, they're
thinking of updating
one of the old classics.
In this version, the
respected physician
drinks a potion of marijuana.
- What are they gonna call it?
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. High.
(laughter)
- I know a woman who complained
she wasn't getting an
equal job opportunity,
so now she's an
attendant in a men's room.
(laughter)
- Hey, you know,
I'd really like to
get off work two
hours early today.
- I have to leave early, too.
This is One-Adam-12 speaking.
One-Adam-12.
Can you people behave
yourselves for two hours?
(laughter)
(upbeat orchestral fanfare)
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Here's a dollar for
you and a dollar for me.
- Is that all you got, Clyde?
- That's all they had.
Don't you remember?
We knocked over
this bank yesterday.
- All right.
(laughter)
(drumroll and rimshot)
- I can't stand all
this noise pollution.
- I can't stand all this waste.
- Well, don't complain to me.
It wasn't my idea to
come to this show.
(laughter)
- Why are you wearing
that mask, Dick?
- What did you call me?
- Dick.
That's your name.
- Well, how did you
know it was me?
I just walked by George
Frisby and he looked at me
as if I were a total stranger.
- Who's George Frisby?
- I don't know.
He's a total stranger.
(laughter)
- Why are you wearing the mask?
- Well, there may
be several reasons.
- Well, give me a for instance.
- Well, I could be the
faithful Indian companion
of that masked man who went
around shooting silver bullets.
- The Indian didn't wear a mask.
- Well then, it wasn't me.
(laughter)
- No.
- I could be the man who
carved a Z on people's chests.
- The mark of Zorro?
- No, Thumbs Foonman,
the world's clumsiest surgeon.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
- Well then, you're
none of those.
- I'm not?
- No.
- Would you like to try the
faithful Indian companion again?
- No, I don't want to
try the faithful Indian.
Just tell me, why are
you wearing the mask?
- You pinned me down.
- All right.
- I'm wearing the mask
because of my new job.
- New job?
- I'm traveling in, in, in...
- Incognito?
- No, in a pickup truck
with the magneto fastner.
(laughter)
- Come on.
- It's not a cognito.
It's just a small magneto.
- What kind of job is this
you're wearing the mask for?
- You've never heard
of Nader's Raiders?
- Of course.
Everyone's heard
of Nader's Raiders.
- Well, down at the
Nader's Think Tank,
they have two decisions.
- Two decisions?
- Divisions.
(laughter)
Try to read my lips.
- Down at the old...
- Divisions.
D-I-S-I-O-V-I-E-N-S.
- Okay.
- Divisions.
- Now, let me get this...
They have two divisions
down at the Think Tank.
- Right.
Now, Ralphie Boy...
- Ralphie Boy?
- Yeah, Ralphie Boy.
He takes care of
the food products,
the cars, the Constitution.
- I see.
- But, I'm taking
care of the biggies.
- The biggies?
- Yeah.
- Would you mind
telling me what it is
that you're investigating?
- Murphy beds.
(laughter)
- Nobody sleeps in a Murphy bed.
Nobody sleeps in a
Murphy bed E-I-E-I-O
(laughter)
- Everybody sing!
Everybody!
- Dick, shut up.
You're conducting a stupid
investigation of Murphy beds.
The country's facing
terrible problems.
The downtown streets
are full of crime...
The downtown
streets are full of crime
E-I-E-I-O (laughter)
- Ha, you didn't think
I'd do that, did you?
(laughter)
- Will you cut that out?
- Oh yeah?
Well nobody sleeps
in Murphy beds
E-I-E-I-O (laughter)
- You want to say "Doo
Dah" or "E-I-E-I-O?"
- No, never, never no "Doo Dah."
(laughter)
(suspenseful music)
I'd rather be a
villain Than a hero
I'd rather play
the heavy any day
A role is far more flashier
And juicier and trashier
The kind of part the
Gettys usually play
I love to be a 14 karat meanie
I love to be the one
they hiss and boo
The villain's role is seedier
And nastier and greedier
The kind of part I'd
so much rather do
Well who would really want
to be a goody-two-shoes
That's for Doris Day
and Mickey Mouse
Wouldn't you much
rather be Any vile person
Nothing like a good
old-fashioned lousy louse.
Let's put distressing
damsels into sawmills
And push the dear old
ladies down the stairs
The villain's role is tackier
And wickeder and whackier
In all of art just
nothing quite compares
Does anybody really
care for Mary Sunshine
Better Captain
Hook than Peter Pan
Everyone loves Fagin
and the Artful Dodger
Oliver is such a
prissy little man
So get the boiling
oil and all the tortures
Be sure you find a
hatchet and a gun
The villain's role is naughtier
And bloodier and bawdier
On top of that it's
really so much fun
There's nothing
quite so chilling
Diabolical or thrilling
As a villain on his
mean and evil way
I'd rather be a villain
than a hero Today
(delightfully evil cackling)
- [All] Boo Hiss!
(applause)
- It is only too fitting
that I, as a gangster,
should be on this program
because this show is really shot.
(laughter)
- Jack, do you have
any personal heroes?
- Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde.
They were the worst man
and the worst woman that
were ever bundled
up into separate beds.
(laughter)
- I've got a great
villain at home
who buries bones
in the backyard.
- Well, all dogs bury bones.
- With the people still on them?
(laughter)
- You know something?
I'm not afraid of you.
(gong chiming)
You think you're so tough?
Your mother wears Army boots.
(gong chiming)
You know you got
a face that looks like
the Green Bay Packers ran
over it with their cleats on?
(gong chiming)
You know something?
You can really take it.
I think we ought to have
you on the show again.
(laughter)
- Now, you went too far.
(laughter)
- Vincent, in the movies
they always portray you
as a vicious villain, but
I know that in real life,
you're an art collector.
- Yes, yes, I have four
men by the name of Art
in my dungeon right now.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- Hey, look, you'd
better keep it quiet
or you're gonna be in
a whole lot of trouble.
(laughter)
- Henry the Eighth's wives
always had the last word.
It was:
(screaming)
(laughter)
- You know, I know a
guy who was so mean,
he would go fishing
just because he enjoyed
putting the worms on the hooks.
(laughter)
Me.
(laughter)
- Nothing can save you now.
You're going out the window.
- Help, help!
- Stop struggling!
I'm here to save the one I love!
(screaming)
- I thought you'd
never get here.
(laughter)
- Mother's got everything ready.
- There's a producer I
know who's coming out with
a modern version of
The Perils of Pauline,
but he's having a
technical problem.
How do you tie the heroine
to an airplane runway?
(laughter)
- You know, it's very difficult
for a guy who has been
playing villains all his life
to suddenly play good guys.
The first time I tried
it, I shot myself twice.
(laughter)
It smarts!
(laughter)
- What's the matter, honey?
- I'm worried about work.
The boss said some
heads are gonna roll.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- In the old cowboy films,
you could always
tell the villain because
he was dressed in black.
Today, he's still
dressed in black,
but now he's the hero
and he's added pearls.
(laughter)
- Oh, sure, everybody
only remembers
the bad things
about Genghis Khan.
(laughter)
- Mr. De Sade, you have
been in terrible pain for 10 days.
- Boy, how times flies
when you're having fun.
(laughter)
- You know, hon,
I think I'm getting too
old for this kind of work.
- What makes you say that?
- Well, today, three of
my clients recovered.
(laughter)
- Perk up.
What do you want for dinner?
- Oh, I don't care.
Anything as long
as it's not rare.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- I am mean and
vicious and surly,
so I only had
two choices in life:
Become a baddie,
or join Women's Lib.
(laughter)
- Eskimo masochists
like Whip'n Chill.
(laughter)
- Marquis De Sade
had some girlfriends
that were hard to beat.
(laughter)
- Moving right along.
- I saw a movie that
had so many villains in it,
Jack Palance
played the good guy.
(laughter)
- There's just one
thing I don't understand.
If the bad guys are
supposed to lose all the time,
how come Rowan and Martin
have their own television show?
(laughter)
- Have you ever heard of
the Chinese water torture?
- No, what is it?
(laughter)
- You got it!
- Oh!
- I hate happiness.
I hate smiling faces.
I hate laughter.
And this is the only
show I'll work on.
- Mike, you've made
an awful lot of pictures
about prison, haven't you?
- Are you kidding?
I've made so many prison
pictures that between jobs,
instead of going to the
unemployment office,
I have to report
to the parole office.
(laughter)
- The other day I was
taking a tour through
the Campbell's Soup factory and
I accidentally fell
into one of the vats.
The guide ran around yelling,
"There's a fly in the soup!"
(laughter)
I'd rather be a
villain than a hero
The nasty guy's the
part we love to play
The villain role is spunkier
And freakier and funkier
It's fun to throw
the body in the bay
I'd rather be a villain
than a hero Today
(delightfully evil cackling)
- [All] Boo Hiss!
(applause and cheers)
- Well, we hope
you like our look at
The Mod World of Villains...
- No time for that.
I'm off on my next
assignment for Nader's Raiders.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- What are you looking into now?
- The ladies' steam room at
the Beverly Hills Health Club.
(laughter)
- Oh, come on.
Ralph Nader's not interested
in the ladies' steam room
at the Beverly
Hills Health Club.
- Oh, yeah?
Then who's the guy wearing
a mask and a Turkish towel?
(laughter)
- Son of a gun.
- Yeah.
- Hey, that Ralphie
Boy's a lot taller
than I thought he was.
(laughter)
- Funny place for
a tattoo, isn't it?
- Isn't it?
(laughter)
- When I was a kid,
the only sex and violence
in movies was when
John Wayne punched
a lady in the mouth.
(laughter)
- One-Adam-12 reporting a
mugger beating up a dope pusher.
Do we arrest the
mugger or thank him?
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
- Hey, where's the car?
- Clyde, somebody stole it!
- [Both] Help! Police!
(laughter)
- Sheldon, where you came from,
did all the kids talk like you?
- Yeah, yeah, all
except one kid.
He talked with a lisp.
Would you believe it?
I think today, that kid is still
locked in the same
closet where we left him.
(laughter)
- I've been shot so
many times in pictures
that I keep a
florist on retainer.
(laughter)
- I knew I was destined to make
prison pictures from
the day I was born.
- How'd you know that?
- My mother spent
three days at hard labor.
(laughter)
- Vincent, check me if
I'm wrong but I've heard
that the greatest
prize for a vampire is
to drink the blood of a virgin.
- Yes, that's why nowadays you
see so many anemic vampires.
(laughter)
- You know, Como in Italian
means how, which is strange
because the first thing my
folks said about me was "Why?"
(laughter)
- I have come for the rent!
- Oh, but, sir, I
can't pay the rent.
- Then get out!
- Oh, please, give
me another chance.
- All right.
(laughter)
I have come for the rent!
- But, sir, I can't
pay the rent.
- Then get out!
(laughter)
- Your Highness,
Ivan the Terrible,
this is your new food-taster,
Harold the Stupid.
(laughter)
- Do you realize
that if you get this job,
you'll be in danger
of being poisoned?
- Yes, I do, Sire.
- Well, let's see
how good you are.
Drink this.
(gasping and gagging)
A little hammy, but
you've got the job.
(laughter)
- You'll just love me in this.
Oh, oh, sweetheart,
how wonderful!
You're home early.
Oh, I'll just put this in
the closet for you, dear.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Here, hang this up someplace.
Be careful with that stuff.
You can start doing
my nails, sweetheart.
- Darling, sweetheart, I
hate to be a complainer,
but could I have 75 cents?
I want to buy a new dress.
(laughter)
- Shut up.
I gave you 75 cents last week.
What did you do with it?
You blew it on medicine.
- Can I help it if I'm
no good with money?
(laughter)
- Nails are fine, sweetheart.
Hey, here's $50 for yourself.
Here's another 50.
You could rub my neck.
- Sweetheart, you know
I wouldn't do anything
in the world to upset
you but you know,
it is Wednesday again.
- Wednesday?
- Yes, and I need another
nickel for the twins' milk.
- What?
- Okay, okay, no, no.
Much better, you should use it.
You never know when you
might have to buy another bullet.
(laughter)
(knocking)
- [Johnny] Open!
This is the police!
Open up!
- [Dan] Get rid of 'em.
I'm gonna hide in the closet.
Come on, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- Okay, where's Louie?
- I don't know and
even if I did know,
I'd never tell you.
I mean that.
I wouldn't tell you.
He's my man and I
love him more than
anything else in
the whole world.
He's a good husband
and a good provider
and I'd rather die than
tell you where he is.
- There's $100 reward.
- He's in the closet.
(laughter)
- Look what I got at work today.
A safety award!
Three months on the job
without any serious injuries.
(laughter)
- Oh! Ow!
- If Shirley Temple got
beat up by the goodies
in every movie she played in,
she's look like this today, too.
(laughter)
- I don't know how elephants
drink with their nose.
(laughter)
Hey, you know what?
I hear Charlie's having a party.
- Great!
What do you say we crash it?
- Unthinkable.
I ain't never crashed anything.
- Yeah, right.
I won't either.
(laughter)
- Permission to shampoo
the boa constrictor, Sir?
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
- Wait a minute, Clyde.
We can't go in yet.
- Why not, Bonnie?
- Look at my hair.
It's a mess.
(laughter)
- Hey, kiddies!
Watch Dan's beard grow back.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- That seems a
smidgen hasty, doesn't it?
- We've done our hour.
It's time to say goodnight.
- I thought perhaps
you'd like to see
my impression of
Celia Finnerman.
- Celia?
Who is Celia Finnerman?
- That only happens to be
President Nixon's personal maid.
That's who.
- Is that so?
Well, I can hardly wait.
Celia Finnerman, folks.
- Thank you.
All right, pal, pick
up those socks.
Who do you think I am?
I have better things to do
than clean up after you all day.
- No, no, hold on.
(laughter)
- Look at you!
- Hold it, hold it.
That's President
Nixon's personal maid?
- Well, not any more.
Do you think the President
of the United States
would put up with that?
- No, he's a lot
smarter than that.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Pat.
(upbeat orchestral music)
(applause)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(laughter)
Oh, oh.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(chuckling)
- Goodnight, Dick.
(chuckling)
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Alan?
- What it is, cuteness?
- You know, I was once
stood in front of a firing squad.
- Why, you little Dresden doll!
Were you hurt?
- How would I know?
I was blindfolded at the time.
(laughter)
- Dan?
- Yeah?
- How does Henny Youngman
keep getting booked?
- Usually for loitering.
(laughter)
- I know a surgeon
who, just for practice now,
went through his medical
book and took out the appendix.
(laughter)
- You know, my brother
served on a jury with 11 women
and was arrested
for jury tampering.
(laughter)
- Hey, Richard, my
uncle's a very slow reader.
- What makes you say that?
- Well, he just joined the
Page of the Month Club.
(laughter)
- Hey, Dick, baby?
- [Dick] Yeah?
- Did you know that
Kate Smith's chair has
a seat capacity of 102?
(laughter)
- I knew a guy who wanted to
have a large family right away
so he married an elephant.
(laughter)
- I still get goosebumps,
that's goosebumps,
Whenever I hear Caruso sing.
- No wonder he's dead.
(laughter)
- This program was pre-recorded
because NBC would
have wanted it that way.
(laughter)
(comical orchestral music)
(laughter)
(solitary person clapping)
(giggling)
Here we are.
Ah, yes.
Oh, hang on.
There you go, there!
It's my fault.
I should have told you.
(laughter)
I'm a big tipper.
Well, so it won't be a
total loss, will you join us?
(light honky-tonk music)
- Well, that's the last
of the home movies.
(laughter)
- [Dispatch] One-Adam-12,
One-Adam-12,
please report to 31st and
Westfield, a family dispute.
A 250 pound woman is
beating up her husband.
- Why don't you see
if you can get another
station on that thing?
- Some people wonder
why Three Dog Night
is a seven piece band.
Simple.
One of us had puppies.
(laughter)
- Scene 62, Truman
Capote as Superman.
Cue the miracle.
- Flight seven, cleared
for takeoff to New York.
- [Pilot] We've got
a hijacker aboard!
- Flight seven, cleared
for takeoff to Havana.
(laughing)
- Is this the two dollar window?
- Yes it is.
- Would you give
me the two dollars?
(laughter)
(light honky-tonk music)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(glass shattering)
- The next guy who
makes fun of my height
get a punch in the knee.
- Honey, what's for dinner?
- You're home.
- How'd you figure that out?
Recognize the car?
(laughter)
- Now that we
got all this money,
let's put it right in
the stock market.
- No, that's too risky.
We'll put it in the
bank where it's safe.
- Good idea.
(laughter)
- Hey, for recreation today,
what's say we play football?
- Touch?
- Good idea!
That's a better game.
- I do not have to sit
here and be subjected
to tasteless and
vulgar jokes like that.
In fact, I have a
good mind to return
to my previous
profession just as soon as
I can locate my pasties.
(laughter)
- My father was so tough that
when I told him I
wanted a little brother,
he went out and stole one.
- When I was at
the Chinese temple,
I saw a beautiful
plaque that said,
"Confucious say he who is
honest is a man of peace."
I liked it so much I stole it.
(laughter)
- On Bewitched, I play a
witch who can change anything
into something else,
like a person into a frog,
and right now, I'm
summoning up all my powers
to try to change this
program into a comedy show.
- I've only done one
good deed in my whole life.
I helped a little old
lady across the street.
I had to.
I was using her as a shield.
(laughter)
- I went into a
restaurant the other night
and ordered a steak and
the waiter tried to
pound it into my heart.
- Hey, Three Dog Night, sir.
You guys are great.
Hey, where do you go from here?
- We have...
- Oh!
- We have a world
tour scheduled.
- We're even going to Denmark.
- Yeah, we may come
back as The Supremes.
(laughter)
- I hate to interrupt you.
I just wanted to tell you how
much we're looking forward
to this great special
you've got coming up.
- Right, Perry
Como's Winter Show,
December 9th on NBC.
- Thanks, Dick.
Dan, very nice.
- Hey, by the way, why are
you doing a winter show?
- Yeah, what's that?
- Well, it's something
that NBC told me.
They said, "Perry, it's
gonna be a cold day
"when you get on
this network again."
(laughter)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Smog Control Center
and Garbage Incinerator,
NBC, the Normal
But Crazy network,
is ready for being committed to
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the
well-ordered Dan Rowan,
(applause)
and the disorderly Dick Martin.
(applause)
With special guest stars
Three Dog Night and
Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
(applause)
With Dennis Alan,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson and Larry Hovis.
With cameo appearances
by Perry Como,
Martin Milner, Kent McCord,
and tonight's villains
Sheldon Leonard,
Mike Mazurki, Agnes Moorhead,
Vincent Price, Jack Soo,
and me, I'm Gary Owens with this
important caution
to pedestrians.
(car horn honking)
Beep beep!
Thank you.
But first, this banana muffin.
- Here are two guy who, in
the words of Abraham Lincoln,
the world will little
note nor long remember,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(applause and cheers)
- Thank you very much.
- Huzzah!
- Thank you for that
wonderful introduction, John.
(maracas rattling)
- Look out!
- What do you mean, look out?
What's that?
- I found it in the attic.
It belonged to my uncle.
- Your uncle?
Your uncle used to
be Carmen Miranda?
(laughter)
- No, my uncle is the famous
Monsoon Martin, the rainmaker.
- Ah, Monsoon Martin.
- Look out!
Here she comes!
(maracas rattling)
(laughter)
- Hold it, are you trying
to tell me your uncle
made rain with that thing?
- Well, you've heard of
the great Atlantic Desert?
- That's the great
Atlantic Ocean.
- Sure, now!
- I guarantee you that that
stupid thing won't make rain.
- Well, it made some yesterday.
- Well, it didn't
rain yesterday.
- It did in Argentina.
(laughter)
- What makes you think that
thing made it rain in Argentina?
- Well, it had to!
This is the only
one in the world!
- Oh, that explains that.
Where did your uncle find it?
- It was given to him
by the medicine man of
the Ugetme Indian tribe.
- The Ugetme?
How did they get
a name like that?
- Well, it's simple.
Every time the medicine man
would shake this thing like this
the brave would turn
to the squaw and say,
"Quick, ugetme an umbrella!"
Or "Ugetme rubbers!"
(laughter)
- Yes, I...
- That's why they
called it Ugetme.
- Give me that!
- Okay, but be careful.
That thing killed my uncle.
- Killed him?
- Yeah, one morning, he
woke up with the shakes
and before he could
put it down, he drowned.
(laughter)
Oh, oh!
You're gonna regret that!
(thunder rumbling)
- Tonight's a real
special show and
we're going to find out...
(thunder rumbling)
- Okay, who's the wise guy?
- Fellas, could I
join the group?
- Why not?
We could use a baritone.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- No, what we
need is a girl singer.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- Besides, if we did, we'd
have to change the name
to Four Dog Night.
- Oh!
- Once upon a time,
there was a handsome
prince who was in love
with a beautiful princess.
- And they got married
and rode of to a castle
in the middle of the forest.
- On the wedding night,
the beautiful princess
put on a pretty gown
of pink and yellow lace.
- The prince also
put on a pretty gown
of pink and yellow lace.
(laughter)
- Now, that's what
I call a fairy tale.
- One reason I never
lose a man is because
I never make him choose
between being with me
or going out with the boys.
I just tell him to
bring the boys along.
(laughter)
- The Melvin Laird Cocktail:
One drink and you get
defensive about everything.
(laughter)
- The Pentagon Cocktail:
Two drinks and you start
denying you've had even one.
- The Dean Martin Cocktail:
15 drinks and you
begin to work up a thirst.
(laughter)
(snorting)
- Half a ringy-dingy.
I just love those.
(snorting)
Another ringy-dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the electric company?
Good, this is Miss Tomlin
of the telephone company.
Now, this may come
as a shock to you,
(snorting)
(laughter)
but your bill is way
past due and unless you,
as we say in the trade,
fork up, we're going to have
to discontinue your service.
Now, what do you
have to say to that?
(snorting)
(orchestral flourish)
(laughter)
Hello?
- Here are some more
items for sale from
The Foonman Motion
Picture Studio Auction:
a giant tapestry woven out of
Jackie Coogan's
discarded toupees,
(laughter)
Audrey Hepburn's hammock
which was once used
by Mae West as
a bathing suit top,
a letter from the American
Medical Association
throwing Dr. Doolittle
out of the AMA
for appearing in a movie
that lost so much money.
(laughter)
- Dick, did you
ever watch the show
when I was on the weekly show?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Como,
but I was generally
asleep while you were on.
- That's funny, so was I.
(cymbal crashing)
- [Lily] A gracious hello.
Eveready Battery Company?
About your phone bill, I...
(flashlight clicking)
(laughter)
- Good evening and
welcome to Animal Corner.
Tonight I have here with me
the most mysterious of beasts,
the chicken.
(cawing and clucking)
- I'm cock of the walk.
La da da!
Kind of gets you
crazy, doesn't it?
(laughter)
- You are a chicken.
- So's your old man.
- No, no no.
I mean you are a fowl.
- How would you like
a peck in the mouth?
I didn't get fluffed
up for this for nothing.
(laughter)
- I have here a
list of questions...
- Oh, sure, questions.
- I'd like to ask
you, Mr. Chicken.
First of all, could you
tell us once and for all,
why did the chicken...
(chicken clucking)
why did the chicken
cross the road?
- Gloria.
- Gloria?
- Yeah, you see, the first
chicken to cross the road
was my great uncle,
Leroy, and he was married to
my aunt Clara, who
was a cold duck and
wouldn't let anybody near her.
So, there was this adorable
Rhode Island redhead
across the road, a
little chick named Gloria.
Well, she was something...
- Never mind, never
mind, never mind.
Let's go on to something else.
- And that's what
Uncle Leroy said!
(laughter)
- I've often
wondered... (squawking)
do you chickens
have any kind of idols?
- I seem to have lost that.
Sure! Henny Youngman.
(laughter)
He's laid more eggs than
any of us could ever dream of.
(squawking)
- I have one final question.
- Gee, I've copped
out on my crow.
What is it?
- Why do roosters
crow at sunrise?
- Oh, that's very simple.
You see, they usually
put one rooster in with
two or 300 hens and at
the end of a long night,
he's out there calling
for help, you dumb cluck.
(laughter)
(squawking)
- And that's it for
Animal Corner.
Next week, we'll
talk to Mr. Turtle.
Would you watch it?
You know, you're the
original chicken joke.
- I think that is rude.
(rooster crowing)
- Hey, Pete, how long
have you been on the force?
- 13 years, why?
- I was just wondering.
Whenever I turn on the siren,
you always pull over to
the side of the road and stop.
(laughter)
- Water pollution is killing us.
- Air pollution is killing us.
- My girl is killing me.
- Elliott Wax Candle Company?
- Mr. Leonard, why do you talk
out of the side of your mouth?
- Well, are you right-handed?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'm left-lipped.
(laughter)
- You know, I'm not exactly
sure how to pronounce
your last name.
Do you call yourself Miss
Moorhead or Miss Moorhead?
- I don't know.
I've never had to call myself.
(laughter)
- Hi, Mike, baby!
Hey, listen, do they
call you Iron Mike
because you have
muscles like steel?
- No, because my face looks like
I stuck it in a blast furnace.
(laughter)
- Mr. Price, I don't think
you're the mean, evil,
you know, weird person that
you always play on the screen.
I kind of think you're a nice,
personable, normal man.
- Well, thank you and
to show my appreciation,
I'm not going to
bite you on the neck.
(laughter)
- Perry, first you
were a barber,
then you got to be a
popular singer, right?
- Yes, and then The
Beatles came in and
killed two professions
at the same time.
(laughter)
- Bonnie, we've got
to go back inside there.
- What is the matter, Clyde?
- I forgot to get my
parking ticket validated.
(laughter)
- This is what The
King Family looks like
when it wakes up in the morning.
(bouncy upbeat music)
We're your simple Pilgrim girls
Basic black with hat, no pearls
We get done up once a year
When your turkey time is near
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In way we hope will amuse
Gobble gobble gobble You
Gobble gobble gobble
We just love to
give you our views
La da dee dah It's turkey time
and Laugh-In's giving
Great big thanks for the news
- [All] Thanks Dick Thanks Dan
You're welcome (turkey gobbling)
(applause)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with war
correspondents in touch,
Aristotle Onassis with much,
Hugh Hefner around the hutch,
and the Queen of
Holland in Dutch.
(laughter)
- And now, here's Dick
Martin with the present news.
- News of the Present:
Vandalism in the name of
Women's Lib reached its peak
last night when an unknown
sculptor scaled Mount Rushmore
and transformed the four
gigantic busts of former presidents
into one gigantic
bust of Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
Vandals!
- [Dan] Vandals, vandals.
- Burbank:
The Mayor of Burbank
today cancelled
his nickel-a-plate
fundraising dinner
when the guy with the
nickel failed to show up.
(laughter)
- [Dan] Really?
- I don't know.
Today, the Justice
Department filed suit against
three of the nation's
largest corporations,
charging violation of the
Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
The three conglomerates
forced to disband are
General Motors, IBM,
and The King Family.
(laughter)
And now, with news of
the future, where's Dan?
- [Dan] Here's Dan.
- [Dick] Ah, good.
- New of the Future,
20 years from now.
A noted scientist has perfected
a new birth control
method for men.
He said it's quite simple.
You find out that your
wife didn't take the pill,
you take a powder.
(laughter)
Think about it.
News of the future,
20 years from now.
Because of rising inflation,
the President has found it
necessary to put into effect
a price freeze
on all food stuffs.
This means, for example,
that tomatoes will remain
at their present
cost, $285 a pound.
(laughter)
That's high, yes.
Whichever comes first.
(laughter)
News of the future,
1972, one year from today.
After concluding his highly
successful world-wide trip to
Russia, Red China, Egypt,
Cambodia, Japan, Taiwan,
Australia and France,
President Nixon returned
to the United States
today to discover that
he had completely
missed the election.
(laughter)
- And now...
- Go right ahead, Dick.
- Thank you very much.
And now, with Kid News for Kids,
here's Moosie Drier in a
treehouse, somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Kid News for Kids.
Boy, am I tired.
I stayed up all night long
doing my homework because
we had a big test this
morning and I wanted
to make sure that I passed,
so I stayed up all night long
until I learned every answer
but it didn't work out.
This morning, when the
teacher gave us our tests,
I fell asleep.
(laughter)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now we take you
to the Philippines,
where a lost tribe of
primitive natives has
recently been discovered.
- Sir, I just noticed there
are no children in your tribe.
- Children?
- Yes, no babies.
Have you people
discovered some form of
primitive birth control?
- I don't know about
things like that.
You'd better ask my wife.
Sweetheart, would
you come out here?
Someone wants to
ask you something.
- Okey-dokey, honey.
What is it, lady?
(laughter)
- Never mind.
Back to you, Dan.
- Listen, please,
to this in-depth
report from The Water Sport.
- Hi, there.
We're talking to the very
beautiful Miss Esther Wilhelm,
the world's greates
long distance swimmer.
(laughter)
- Hi, tiger.
- Miss Wilhelm, where did
you start your swimming career?
- The Mississippi River.
- Oh, well how
far across was it?
- I don't know.
I swam it lengthwise.
(laughter)
- Remarkable!
- And from there,
the English Channel.
- I didn't know you swam
across the English Channel.
- Not across, silly.
To it.
- Wow, those are
two amazing feats.
- Thanks.
As long as you're
looking down there,
what do you think of my legs?
- Whoa!
- That's one, that's the other.
(laughter)
- Gorgeous, gorgeous!
They must give you quite a kick.
- They do.
And you seem to be
enjoying them, too.
- Oh, I am, I am!
(laughter)
- Say, how'd you like to
try the Australian Crawl?
- Oh, but I can't swim.
- Who's talking about swimming?
(laughter)
- Hi.
(chuckling)
Busy Buzzi here with
all the inside dope on
the far-out folks
here in Tinseltown.
I'm here at the premiere
of the new motion picture,
The Godfather.
There certainly is a lot of
excitement outside the theater
and wait a minute, yes,
here comes the star
of The Godfather now.
Oh, yes.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
- Hi, sports fans.
Big Al, here.
(faint whistling)
Oh, good heavens!
Your voice has changed!
Like a meadowlark in spring,
nothing like a little
tweet on the tweeter.
(laughter)
Well, tonight I'm going to
show you some hand signals
used by the hockey officials.
This means offsides
and this means
I think my deodorant has frozen.
(laughter)
And this means, good
heavens I've swallowed my puck.
(laughter)
And this means
I'm ready for my big
number at the Ice Capades.
Look out, Peggy Fleming!
Eat your heart out!
Ta-ta!
(laughter)
Dizzy is as dizzy does.
Bye-bye!
- And that's the way it is,
Tuesday, January 1st, 19 AD.
(laughter)
La da dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Gobble
gobble gobble gobble
(applause)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
(laughter)
You know what?
Mama took me and my
boyfriend, Junior Phillips,
to the drive-in
movie and she said,
"Children, you must
act like grown-ups
"and behave
yourself like adults."
So, we jumped in the
back seat and started
to wrestle with each other.
(laughter)
That's what people was
doing in the other cars
and that that's the truth.
- You guys are really great.
- Hey, Mike, how do
you get all that excitement
and energy going
when you perform?
- Oh, it's just a little
gimmick we use.
When we play our
electric instruments,
we always try to stand
in about an inch of water.
(laughter)
- Hey, Shelly, when you
were a gangster in the movies
and had a little
disagreement with a guy,
what would you do?
- We'd iron it out, you know.
You would be
surprised how fast a guy
will change his opinion when you
hit him in the
head with an iron.
(laughter)
- Being a villain means
never having to say
"I'm sorry I kicked you, madam.
"May I help you back
in your wheelchair?"
(laughter)
- I resent being
typecast as a witch.
The next producer who
asks me to play a witch
is going to get
a hex put on him.
- You know, this show
is a villain's dream.
- Why do you say that?
- Because every Monday
night, it hurts millions of people.
(laughter)
- I'm living proof that there is
such a thing as reincarnation.
I died on this show last year,
and here I am doing it again.
(laughter)
- You know how the police in
Burbank get the traffic moving?
- No, how?
- They yell, "Giddyap!"
(orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
(turkey gobbling)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
- Gee, Perry, in your
show business career,
you must have
broken a lot of records.
- Well, I have, and they all
belong to Wayne Newton.
(laughter)
(machine gun fire)
- You know, Clyde, next time
we've got to get a babysitter.
I'm sick and tired of bring
the kid to work with us.
(laughter)
- Hey, we'd better get
to the cocktail party.
It's Three Dog Night.
- What?
- Three Dog Night.
- George Jessel has three dates?
- Oh, come on, Three Dog Night,
the most popular musical
group in the country.
- Let's go!
I can hardly wait to hear them.
(applause)
(Three Dog Night's
"Joy To The World")
Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood
a single word he said
But I helped him drink his wine
And he always had
some mighty fine wine
Singing joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me -
Hi, Three Dog Night.
- [Band] Hi, guys!
- Hey, who's top dog?
- [Band] We are.
- Hey, you ever have
any disagreements?
- No.
- Yes.
- Sometimes.
If I were the king of the world
I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars
And the bars and the wars
And make sweet
love to you (cackling)
- So, what kind of
gown is that, toots?
- It's bridal.
- Bridal?
Well, that figures.
But where are the
stirrups and saddle?
(laughing)
(laughter)
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- I go along with Pope
Paul and his opposition
to clerical marriage but I
do get some arguments
about it from my wife (laughter)
- Dick, you can't just
expect me to drop everything
and run to your apartment.
- I was hoping it would
be the other way around.
(laughter)
You know I love the ladies
Love to have my fun
I'm a high night flyer
And a rainbow rider
A straight-shooting son of a gun
I said a straight-shooting
son of a gun
- Senator, excuse me
for disturbing you but
some people say there's a
lot of waste in government.
- They're right, they're
right and personally,
I'm putting a stop to
wasteful spending in my office,
no matter how much it costs.
(laughter)
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- Listen, you can't
say the networks aren't
doing their part
to make life better.
Why, this year, they took
crime out of the streets
and made 12 new
TV series out of it.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
All the boys and
girls Joy to the world
Joy to you and me
- Oh, the economy is so bad,
that if if things don't pick up,
the bottom's gonna fall
right out of my business.
(squealing)
(laughter)
Joy to the world Yeah, baby
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- Kids, my girlfriend
took me for a ride
in her new sports car.
- [All] Oh, really?
What?
- In her new sports car.
- [All] Oh!
- It's amazing how far
you can go in a two-seater.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
Joy to you and me
- You know, people ask me
why I'm constantly smiling.
Actually, I'm not.
I just like to keep my teeth
in eating position at all times.
(laughter)
Joy to the world Yeah
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
- I've just heard
of a new pop group
with an insane new name.
- What is it?
- The Mills Brothers.
(laughter)
Joy to the world
You know I meant joy
All the boys and girls
Yeah yeah
Joy to the fishes
in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me
Joy to the world All
the boys and girls
(applause)
- Mr. Leonard, why do you talk
out of the side of your mouth?
- Because nothing
I have to say to you
would be worth and entire lip.
(laughter)
- People think that I
play the part of a villain
because I'm Oriental,
but that's not true.
- What's the real reason?
- The real reason is that
deep down, I'm a rotten person.
(laughter)
- That doesn't matter as
long as you love your Mum.
- Hey, Mike, who's the
meanest guy you ever heard of?
- Well, it would be a toss-up
between the Marquis de Sade
and the guy who gave Henny
Youngman his first break.
(laughter)
- I know you always play a
sinister person in the movies.
- Well, yes, that's
true, but it's just a job.
It enables me to
buy food, clothing and
an occasional bottle of blood.
(laughter)
- Because Dan is
terribly embarrassed
about tonight's quickies,
during the last commercial
he grew a beard,
hoping none of you
would recognize him.
(laughter)
- Some of the friends
have written in asking
why we call this next
section The Quickies.
Well, the reason...
- Toro! Toro!
Hey, I'm pulling away!
- You're all dressed
up as a matador.
- Why, so am I.
(laughter)
- No, why are you
dressed as a matador?
- Because the officials
won't let me fight the bull
with my regular outfit.
- What's that?
- The 72nd Airborne Division.
(laughter)
- Since...
- We'd get 'em out here.
- Since when did you get
interested in bullfighting?
- Why, it's in my blood.
- In your blood?
- My uncle, was the
famous matador, El Gorilla.
- El Gorilla?
Why was he called El Gorilla?
- Because he used to
fight the bull from the tree.
(laughter)
- That sounds stupid.
- I know, he tried
it the other way
but the bull kept
falling out of the tree.
(laughter)
- Would you call your uncle
a successful bullfighter?
- Well, in all his career,
he never had one bull
come up the tree and get him.
That's pretty successful.
(laughter)
- It sounds to me as if he
were a very cowardly bullfighter.
- Non contrary, amigo.
- Oh, you learned the
language and everything.
(laughter)
- I don't hang out with
Desi Arnaz for nothing.
(laughter)
Why, when he first started,
he used to stand in the middle
of the arena without a cape.
- Without a cape?
- Yes, he used to use something
that drove the bull crazy.
- What was that?
- A naked cow.
(laughter)
- That really sounds
like a dumb, dull bullfight.
- Are you kidding?
At one point, he had
everyone in the arena
standing up on their feet.
- What happened?
- The bull chased him
up into the grandstand.
(laughter)
Ole!
- If I were your uncle,
I'd be ashamed of myself.
- Ashamed?
Why, that bullfight
went down in history.
- That fight?
- That bullfight
went down in history.
- Yes.
- You know, the first
time, it was the first time.
Notice how I keep going.
(laughter)
- Yes.
(laughter)
- It was the first time...
- You got my
attention, I tell you that.
- I know, that's because
I'm talking so loud, though.
(laughter)
It's the first time
a great performer
was ever awarded the ears.
- Now, wait a
minute, loud talker.
The awards have been given...
- See how contagious it is?
(laughter)
- They've been awarding
ears for centuries.
- To the bull?
(laughter)
- No, what do you say
we go to The Quickies?
- Ole!
(laughter)
- Excuse me, sir, I
have a pair of pants
made especially for
Napoleon Bonaparte.
What are they worth?
- Nothing.
He's dead.
(laughter)
- All right, everybody!
Give me an A!
(piano notes)
(humming)
Out of my house (laughter)
(slide whistle trilling)
(laughter)
- All right, Tex.
Come out from behind that bar.
I'm gonna make you dance.
(light classical music)
(laughter)
- [Dan] Get back behind
the bar, will ya, Tex?
(laughter)
- Like a sloe gin fizz?
(laughter)
- I was on the bus today and
not one man would
offer me his seat.
Finally, one man
did give me his seat,
so I thanked him and
then returned his dentures.
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
- I knew a rock group
once that came that close
to making it big except
they had the wrong attitude.
Blood, Sweat and Laughs.
(chuckling)
(laughter)
- Well, Dick, how did
you like The Quickies?
- Oh, oh, Dick!
I wonder if I could take a
photograph before you go, sir.
- We don't have
time for that, Hawkins.
(laughter)
Well, now look what you've done.
(laughter)
- Here, sir, here, take that.
Now, take a snap
if you can, sir.
I shall hold the pose
as long as possible.
For me Mum.
(laughter)
- Will you get out of here?
- It's my heart, sir!
(laughter)
- Dan has permission to leave
the room to shave his beard.
The next time you see
him, he will be clean-shaven.
(laughter)
- There are two ingredients
necessary to form
a compatible, happy,
show business marriage.
- The first is to have a
husband who is a terrific liar.
- And the second is to have a
wife who believes everything.
- Sheldon, have you always
talked the way you do?
- Yeah, all my life.
When I was an actor,
they wouldn't let me
play the part of an Indian
because when I
used sign language,
I used to talk out
of the side of my fist.
(laughter)
- You can't talk that way to me.
(laughing)
- They say that
crime doesn't pay.
- Yeah, but now that
we're in Phase Two,
name one occupation that does.
(laughter)
- Mike, you've
played a lot of parts.
Have you ever played
a romantic lead?
- Well, I was supposed
to be in one picture
where the girl fell
in love with me.
- Yeah?
- But they couldn't find a
girl that could act that good.
(laughter)
- Vincent Price, baby!
- You know, they're
thinking of updating
one of the old classics.
In this version, the
respected physician
drinks a potion of marijuana.
- What are they gonna call it?
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. High.
(laughter)
- I know a woman who complained
she wasn't getting an
equal job opportunity,
so now she's an
attendant in a men's room.
(laughter)
- Hey, you know,
I'd really like to
get off work two
hours early today.
- I have to leave early, too.
This is One-Adam-12 speaking.
One-Adam-12.
Can you people behave
yourselves for two hours?
(laughter)
(upbeat orchestral fanfare)
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Here's a dollar for
you and a dollar for me.
- Is that all you got, Clyde?
- That's all they had.
Don't you remember?
We knocked over
this bank yesterday.
- All right.
(laughter)
(drumroll and rimshot)
- I can't stand all
this noise pollution.
- I can't stand all this waste.
- Well, don't complain to me.
It wasn't my idea to
come to this show.
(laughter)
- Why are you wearing
that mask, Dick?
- What did you call me?
- Dick.
That's your name.
- Well, how did you
know it was me?
I just walked by George
Frisby and he looked at me
as if I were a total stranger.
- Who's George Frisby?
- I don't know.
He's a total stranger.
(laughter)
- Why are you wearing the mask?
- Well, there may
be several reasons.
- Well, give me a for instance.
- Well, I could be the
faithful Indian companion
of that masked man who went
around shooting silver bullets.
- The Indian didn't wear a mask.
- Well then, it wasn't me.
(laughter)
- No.
- I could be the man who
carved a Z on people's chests.
- The mark of Zorro?
- No, Thumbs Foonman,
the world's clumsiest surgeon.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
- Well then, you're
none of those.
- I'm not?
- No.
- Would you like to try the
faithful Indian companion again?
- No, I don't want to
try the faithful Indian.
Just tell me, why are
you wearing the mask?
- You pinned me down.
- All right.
- I'm wearing the mask
because of my new job.
- New job?
- I'm traveling in, in, in...
- Incognito?
- No, in a pickup truck
with the magneto fastner.
(laughter)
- Come on.
- It's not a cognito.
It's just a small magneto.
- What kind of job is this
you're wearing the mask for?
- You've never heard
of Nader's Raiders?
- Of course.
Everyone's heard
of Nader's Raiders.
- Well, down at the
Nader's Think Tank,
they have two decisions.
- Two decisions?
- Divisions.
(laughter)
Try to read my lips.
- Down at the old...
- Divisions.
D-I-S-I-O-V-I-E-N-S.
- Okay.
- Divisions.
- Now, let me get this...
They have two divisions
down at the Think Tank.
- Right.
Now, Ralphie Boy...
- Ralphie Boy?
- Yeah, Ralphie Boy.
He takes care of
the food products,
the cars, the Constitution.
- I see.
- But, I'm taking
care of the biggies.
- The biggies?
- Yeah.
- Would you mind
telling me what it is
that you're investigating?
- Murphy beds.
(laughter)
- Nobody sleeps in a Murphy bed.
Nobody sleeps in a
Murphy bed E-I-E-I-O
(laughter)
- Everybody sing!
Everybody!
- Dick, shut up.
You're conducting a stupid
investigation of Murphy beds.
The country's facing
terrible problems.
The downtown streets
are full of crime...
The downtown
streets are full of crime
E-I-E-I-O (laughter)
- Ha, you didn't think
I'd do that, did you?
(laughter)
- Will you cut that out?
- Oh yeah?
Well nobody sleeps
in Murphy beds
E-I-E-I-O (laughter)
- You want to say "Doo
Dah" or "E-I-E-I-O?"
- No, never, never no "Doo Dah."
(laughter)
(suspenseful music)
I'd rather be a
villain Than a hero
I'd rather play
the heavy any day
A role is far more flashier
And juicier and trashier
The kind of part the
Gettys usually play
I love to be a 14 karat meanie
I love to be the one
they hiss and boo
The villain's role is seedier
And nastier and greedier
The kind of part I'd
so much rather do
Well who would really want
to be a goody-two-shoes
That's for Doris Day
and Mickey Mouse
Wouldn't you much
rather be Any vile person
Nothing like a good
old-fashioned lousy louse.
Let's put distressing
damsels into sawmills
And push the dear old
ladies down the stairs
The villain's role is tackier
And wickeder and whackier
In all of art just
nothing quite compares
Does anybody really
care for Mary Sunshine
Better Captain
Hook than Peter Pan
Everyone loves Fagin
and the Artful Dodger
Oliver is such a
prissy little man
So get the boiling
oil and all the tortures
Be sure you find a
hatchet and a gun
The villain's role is naughtier
And bloodier and bawdier
On top of that it's
really so much fun
There's nothing
quite so chilling
Diabolical or thrilling
As a villain on his
mean and evil way
I'd rather be a villain
than a hero Today
(delightfully evil cackling)
- [All] Boo Hiss!
(applause)
- It is only too fitting
that I, as a gangster,
should be on this program
because this show is really shot.
(laughter)
- Jack, do you have
any personal heroes?
- Yeah, Bonnie and Clyde.
They were the worst man
and the worst woman that
were ever bundled
up into separate beds.
(laughter)
- I've got a great
villain at home
who buries bones
in the backyard.
- Well, all dogs bury bones.
- With the people still on them?
(laughter)
- You know something?
I'm not afraid of you.
(gong chiming)
You think you're so tough?
Your mother wears Army boots.
(gong chiming)
You know you got
a face that looks like
the Green Bay Packers ran
over it with their cleats on?
(gong chiming)
You know something?
You can really take it.
I think we ought to have
you on the show again.
(laughter)
- Now, you went too far.
(laughter)
- Vincent, in the movies
they always portray you
as a vicious villain, but
I know that in real life,
you're an art collector.
- Yes, yes, I have four
men by the name of Art
in my dungeon right now.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- Hey, look, you'd
better keep it quiet
or you're gonna be in
a whole lot of trouble.
(laughter)
- Henry the Eighth's wives
always had the last word.
It was:
(screaming)
(laughter)
- You know, I know a
guy who was so mean,
he would go fishing
just because he enjoyed
putting the worms on the hooks.
(laughter)
Me.
(laughter)
- Nothing can save you now.
You're going out the window.
- Help, help!
- Stop struggling!
I'm here to save the one I love!
(screaming)
- I thought you'd
never get here.
(laughter)
- Mother's got everything ready.
- There's a producer I
know who's coming out with
a modern version of
The Perils of Pauline,
but he's having a
technical problem.
How do you tie the heroine
to an airplane runway?
(laughter)
- You know, it's very difficult
for a guy who has been
playing villains all his life
to suddenly play good guys.
The first time I tried
it, I shot myself twice.
(laughter)
It smarts!
(laughter)
- What's the matter, honey?
- I'm worried about work.
The boss said some
heads are gonna roll.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- In the old cowboy films,
you could always
tell the villain because
he was dressed in black.
Today, he's still
dressed in black,
but now he's the hero
and he's added pearls.
(laughter)
- Oh, sure, everybody
only remembers
the bad things
about Genghis Khan.
(laughter)
- Mr. De Sade, you have
been in terrible pain for 10 days.
- Boy, how times flies
when you're having fun.
(laughter)
- You know, hon,
I think I'm getting too
old for this kind of work.
- What makes you say that?
- Well, today, three of
my clients recovered.
(laughter)
- Perk up.
What do you want for dinner?
- Oh, I don't care.
Anything as long
as it's not rare.
(laughter)
(melodramatic piano music)
(laughter)
- I am mean and
vicious and surly,
so I only had
two choices in life:
Become a baddie,
or join Women's Lib.
(laughter)
- Eskimo masochists
like Whip'n Chill.
(laughter)
- Marquis De Sade
had some girlfriends
that were hard to beat.
(laughter)
- Moving right along.
- I saw a movie that
had so many villains in it,
Jack Palance
played the good guy.
(laughter)
- There's just one
thing I don't understand.
If the bad guys are
supposed to lose all the time,
how come Rowan and Martin
have their own television show?
(laughter)
- Have you ever heard of
the Chinese water torture?
- No, what is it?
(laughter)
- You got it!
- Oh!
- I hate happiness.
I hate smiling faces.
I hate laughter.
And this is the only
show I'll work on.
- Mike, you've made
an awful lot of pictures
about prison, haven't you?
- Are you kidding?
I've made so many prison
pictures that between jobs,
instead of going to the
unemployment office,
I have to report
to the parole office.
(laughter)
- The other day I was
taking a tour through
the Campbell's Soup factory and
I accidentally fell
into one of the vats.
The guide ran around yelling,
"There's a fly in the soup!"
(laughter)
I'd rather be a
villain than a hero
The nasty guy's the
part we love to play
The villain role is spunkier
And freakier and funkier
It's fun to throw
the body in the bay
I'd rather be a villain
than a hero Today
(delightfully evil cackling)
- [All] Boo Hiss!
(applause and cheers)
- Well, we hope
you like our look at
The Mod World of Villains...
- No time for that.
I'm off on my next
assignment for Nader's Raiders.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
- What are you looking into now?
- The ladies' steam room at
the Beverly Hills Health Club.
(laughter)
- Oh, come on.
Ralph Nader's not interested
in the ladies' steam room
at the Beverly
Hills Health Club.
- Oh, yeah?
Then who's the guy wearing
a mask and a Turkish towel?
(laughter)
- Son of a gun.
- Yeah.
- Hey, that Ralphie
Boy's a lot taller
than I thought he was.
(laughter)
- Funny place for
a tattoo, isn't it?
- Isn't it?
(laughter)
- When I was a kid,
the only sex and violence
in movies was when
John Wayne punched
a lady in the mouth.
(laughter)
- One-Adam-12 reporting a
mugger beating up a dope pusher.
Do we arrest the
mugger or thank him?
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
- Hey, where's the car?
- Clyde, somebody stole it!
- [Both] Help! Police!
(laughter)
- Sheldon, where you came from,
did all the kids talk like you?
- Yeah, yeah, all
except one kid.
He talked with a lisp.
Would you believe it?
I think today, that kid is still
locked in the same
closet where we left him.
(laughter)
- I've been shot so
many times in pictures
that I keep a
florist on retainer.
(laughter)
- I knew I was destined to make
prison pictures from
the day I was born.
- How'd you know that?
- My mother spent
three days at hard labor.
(laughter)
- Vincent, check me if
I'm wrong but I've heard
that the greatest
prize for a vampire is
to drink the blood of a virgin.
- Yes, that's why nowadays you
see so many anemic vampires.
(laughter)
- You know, Como in Italian
means how, which is strange
because the first thing my
folks said about me was "Why?"
(laughter)
- I have come for the rent!
- Oh, but, sir, I
can't pay the rent.
- Then get out!
- Oh, please, give
me another chance.
- All right.
(laughter)
I have come for the rent!
- But, sir, I can't
pay the rent.
- Then get out!
(laughter)
- Your Highness,
Ivan the Terrible,
this is your new food-taster,
Harold the Stupid.
(laughter)
- Do you realize
that if you get this job,
you'll be in danger
of being poisoned?
- Yes, I do, Sire.
- Well, let's see
how good you are.
Drink this.
(gasping and gagging)
A little hammy, but
you've got the job.
(laughter)
- You'll just love me in this.
Oh, oh, sweetheart,
how wonderful!
You're home early.
Oh, I'll just put this in
the closet for you, dear.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Here, hang this up someplace.
Be careful with that stuff.
You can start doing
my nails, sweetheart.
- Darling, sweetheart, I
hate to be a complainer,
but could I have 75 cents?
I want to buy a new dress.
(laughter)
- Shut up.
I gave you 75 cents last week.
What did you do with it?
You blew it on medicine.
- Can I help it if I'm
no good with money?
(laughter)
- Nails are fine, sweetheart.
Hey, here's $50 for yourself.
Here's another 50.
You could rub my neck.
- Sweetheart, you know
I wouldn't do anything
in the world to upset
you but you know,
it is Wednesday again.
- Wednesday?
- Yes, and I need another
nickel for the twins' milk.
- What?
- Okay, okay, no, no.
Much better, you should use it.
You never know when you
might have to buy another bullet.
(laughter)
(knocking)
- [Johnny] Open!
This is the police!
Open up!
- [Dan] Get rid of 'em.
I'm gonna hide in the closet.
Come on, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- Okay, where's Louie?
- I don't know and
even if I did know,
I'd never tell you.
I mean that.
I wouldn't tell you.
He's my man and I
love him more than
anything else in
the whole world.
He's a good husband
and a good provider
and I'd rather die than
tell you where he is.
- There's $100 reward.
- He's in the closet.
(laughter)
- Look what I got at work today.
A safety award!
Three months on the job
without any serious injuries.
(laughter)
- Oh! Ow!
- If Shirley Temple got
beat up by the goodies
in every movie she played in,
she's look like this today, too.
(laughter)
- I don't know how elephants
drink with their nose.
(laughter)
Hey, you know what?
I hear Charlie's having a party.
- Great!
What do you say we crash it?
- Unthinkable.
I ain't never crashed anything.
- Yeah, right.
I won't either.
(laughter)
- Permission to shampoo
the boa constrictor, Sir?
(laughter)
(orchestral fanfare)
- Wait a minute, Clyde.
We can't go in yet.
- Why not, Bonnie?
- Look at my hair.
It's a mess.
(laughter)
- Hey, kiddies!
Watch Dan's beard grow back.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- That seems a
smidgen hasty, doesn't it?
- We've done our hour.
It's time to say goodnight.
- I thought perhaps
you'd like to see
my impression of
Celia Finnerman.
- Celia?
Who is Celia Finnerman?
- That only happens to be
President Nixon's personal maid.
That's who.
- Is that so?
Well, I can hardly wait.
Celia Finnerman, folks.
- Thank you.
All right, pal, pick
up those socks.
Who do you think I am?
I have better things to do
than clean up after you all day.
- No, no, hold on.
(laughter)
- Look at you!
- Hold it, hold it.
That's President
Nixon's personal maid?
- Well, not any more.
Do you think the President
of the United States
would put up with that?
- No, he's a lot
smarter than that.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Pat.
(upbeat orchestral music)
(applause)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(laughter)
Oh, oh.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(chuckling)
- Goodnight, Dick.
(chuckling)
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Alan?
- What it is, cuteness?
- You know, I was once
stood in front of a firing squad.
- Why, you little Dresden doll!
Were you hurt?
- How would I know?
I was blindfolded at the time.
(laughter)
- Dan?
- Yeah?
- How does Henny Youngman
keep getting booked?
- Usually for loitering.
(laughter)
- I know a surgeon
who, just for practice now,
went through his medical
book and took out the appendix.
(laughter)
- You know, my brother
served on a jury with 11 women
and was arrested
for jury tampering.
(laughter)
- Hey, Richard, my
uncle's a very slow reader.
- What makes you say that?
- Well, he just joined the
Page of the Month Club.
(laughter)
- Hey, Dick, baby?
- [Dick] Yeah?
- Did you know that
Kate Smith's chair has
a seat capacity of 102?
(laughter)
- I knew a guy who wanted to
have a large family right away
so he married an elephant.
(laughter)
- I still get goosebumps,
that's goosebumps,
Whenever I hear Caruso sing.
- No wonder he's dead.
(laughter)
- This program was pre-recorded
because NBC would
have wanted it that way.
(laughter)
(comical orchestral music)
(laughter)
(solitary person clapping)