Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 12 - Episode #5.12 - full transcript
(drum-roll)
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- Welcome to the Christmas Show.
Ladies and gentlemen.
- Have we got a
Christmas gift for you.
- A guest.
- It's a guest whose a gift.
The star of one of
television's biggest hits.
That's right from
All In The Family,
Mr. Carroll O'Connor.
(applause)
- Well welcome to the
Christmas Show Carroll.
- And Seasons Greetings.
- Yes sir.
- Thank you fellas.
I know it's Christmas.
In fact I have a special
message for the whole country.
- Well that's very nice.
- And I mean all races.
White, black, red,
yellow, all of them.
- Very appropriate.
- All religions I
don't care if you're
Catholic, Protestant,
Jewish or whatever.
- Well that's only right.
- Every nationality,
Irish, Italian, Mexican,
even Polish.
- Even Polish there
you are generous.
What's the message?
- For me, a very
merry Christmas.
And from that other guy.
Why don't you all go back
to where you come from
and leave me alone.
(applause)
- Hold it, if we're so wise
how come we're
working on a holiday?
(winding of clock)
(whistle)
(laughter)
- Ms. Green.
Will you straighten up?
Did that scene in Psycho
where you got stabbed,
you know with that
knife in the shower
affect you?
- Oh very much so.
I mean to this day, I
can't take a shower
with Anthony Perkins
in the same room.
- Okay.
(laughing)
- What are we going to do
when we get out on parole?
- I don't know about you,
but I'm getting married.
(laughter)
(howling wind)
- You know I said to my friend,
Vincent Van Gogh,
"Lend me your ear, and you'll
never believe what he did".
(laughing)
- I didn't get you anything
for Christmas honey
because I just spent money
to fix the garbage disposal.
We got the new washer,
and the vacuum was kind of a
family Christmas present right?
- Yes, right, right.
You are right honey.
- Here, go ahead and
open up your present.
- Aw gee.
Thanks hun.
A teddy bear?
- Well I thought you should
have something to sleep with.
(laughing)
Bjorn, what are you doing?
- I'm baking an
upside down cake.
(laughing)
- You can have
everything you ask for.
- Oh thank you Santa.
Now is there anything
I can do for you?
- Yes on Christmas Eve,
you know when you hang
your stockings
by the fire place?
- Yes.
- You'll be in them.
(laughing)
("Deck the Halls")
- Hey, I guess you know
you've just ruined our soup.
(laughing)
- Now I'm going
to test you reflexes.
(elastic arrow)
Oh very bad.
(laughing)
- Tell me Carroll.
How come you have
a women's name?
- How come you got a man's body?
(laughter)
- Whose that guy down there
Oh he's just a barfly.
(kettle drum)
- Story of a Hollywood agent.
Take 10%.
- Well we're down to
our last drop of water.
- You see anything out there?
- Yeah, I see a teepee.
With an orange roof.
Hey and there's
something written on it.
- Can you make it out?
- Yeah I think, I think so.
Hey have you ever
heard of Indian named
Howard Johnson?
(laughing)
- Can I help you?
- Yes I want my money
back for this lousy trick hat.
- What's wrong?
- Well there's supposed to be
a rabbit comes out of this hat.
(whistle)
Look nothing.
Nothing.
(laughing)
- Hey Bing, it's great see
you here tonight on Laugh-In.
- I wouldn't have
missed it for the world.
- Hey we're going to see
you tomorrow night too
right here on good old NBC.
With your special The
Sounds of Christmas.
- That's right.
- Well that's very kind
of you to mention it.
We're going to have a
real typical Christmas.
Holly, ivy and a carol or two.
- Hey do you always
celebrate Christmas that way?
I mean Holly, ivy
and a carol or two?
- No as a lad I used to
celebrate with a Nancy,
a Betty, and a Shirley.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank toy factory
and munitions dump.
NBC, the Nice Before
Christmas network fails
to get the Partridge
Family out of the Pear tree.
And presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the jolly
old Dan Rowan.
And the ho, ho, ho Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Carroll O'Connor.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown.
Ann Elder.
Margaret Thomas.
Larry Hovis.
Richard Dawson.
With cameo appearances
by Bing Crobsy.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with those two traditional words,
shouted everywhere
throughout the holiday season.
I'm broke.
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by,
Burlington Industry, if it's
anything to do with fabric
we do it at Burlington.
And we do more of it
than anyone in the world.
- On this season,
the Christmas spirit
reaches deep into the heart.
Now here are two guys
who just get under your skin.
Dan and Dick.
(theatrical upbeat music)
(applause)
- I know.
Oh it goes on and on.
- The spirit is everywhere.
Listen you realize it's
the season to be jolly.
- That's...
- Christmas just
around the corner.
- You know it certainly is.
As a matter of fact.
As a matter of fact I
even met old Santa Claus
at a party last week.
- You met Santa
Claus at a party?
- Yes and it's about time
the world knew the truth
about old Santa Claus.
- What are you talking about?
- To begin with, she does
not even have a beard.
(laughing)
- She?
Santa Claus is a lady?
- Absolutely, however, she
never lets it interfere with
her having a good time.
(laughing)
- That's absurd,
Santa Claus is a myth.
- No she's a mythid of.
But you can call her Freda.
- Thank you.
Listen if Santa Claus
is a lady named Freda,
whose the little old man
with the red nose who
comes down the chimney
on Christmas Eve?
- Oh that's Herbie.
Stoned out of his glory.
(laughing)
He does the same thing
on the Fourth of July.
Easter, Saint Swithin's Day,
makes no difference to him.
- Well who is it that
rides through the air
in a red sleigh, with
eight tiny reindeer going,
"Ho, ho, ho".
- Well wait a minute.
Let me see now,
is it Ralph Nader?
- No it's not Ralph Nader.
(laughing)
- Let's see, red suit,
beard, flies around, sleigh,
reindeer, is there anything
unusual about him?
- Well of course not.
- Well then it's Jimmy Stewart.
- It isn't Jimmmy...
Jimmy Stewart?
What's the matter with you?
- Does he play according
and have a trained polar beer?
- No.
- Well that proves it.
It's Jimmy Stewart.
He doesn't have
either of those things.
(laughing)
- Why don't you just admit
you don't know anything
about Santa Claus.
Freda's some broad
you met at a party,
has nothing to do with Christmas
and he's certainly
isn't Santa Claus.
- Alright okay.
You say you've got
a red beard and...
- Oh forget about it.
Listen it's time for us to
take a look at the mod world
of Christmas.
- Well, ho, ho, ho.
- What's that?
That's Jimmy
Stewart going ho, ho...
- I told you it's
not jimmy Stewart.
- Well it was me
going ho, ho, ho.
- Just look at the mod
Chrismas ho, ho, ho
(laughing)
(ringing bells)
Tis the season to be jolly
Perpetrate the yearly follies
Plump with nuts and now by golly
Christmas time is here
Every year it's harder
to be a Santa Claus
For this Yuletide caroling
has its major flaws
Too many gifts Too many toys
Too many greedy girls and boys
Too many teeny chimneys
Too many plastic Christmas trees
We are getting leery
of all this ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
We get tired of kissing
beneath the mistletoe
Dumb, dumb,
dumb Too little rights
Too many wrongs
Too many crummy Christmas songs
Every year it's hard
to be a Santa Claus
Think of poor old daddy
working hard for his pay
All that Christmas
means to him is
Credit cards, charge accounts
Good old layaways
Every year it's hard
to look at red and green
For a change a we're
thinking of working Halloween
Where is the joy
Where is the merce
Where is the heck peace on earth
If you wondering
why we're grumbling
It's because every
year it's harder to see
An old Saint Nick
whose funny and free
And every year its harder to see
And happy Santa claus
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho Ho (applauding)
- Where are you going?
- I'm following the
North Star to Bethlehem.
- Bearing gifts like you are.
What are you bringing?
- I'm bringing gold.
- I'm bringing work.
- And I'm bringing frankincense
What are you bringing?
- I brought him a tie.
(laughing)
- Not another tie.
- Well thank you bye, bye.
Honey.
- A goes into B, no
that doesn't work.
- Honey.
- What is it?
- Honey you can stop
trying to put Johnny's
rocking horse together,
he's been drafted.
(laughing)
- You know what I'd like
most for Christmas this year?
A bunch of bills
marked, "Paid in full",
from last Christmas.
(laughing)
- Where's grandpa?
- Oh he's turning his
trimming his beard.
- Oh.
(mumbling)
- With the warm climate
they have in California,
on Christmas Santa
Claus slides down
the air conditioning ducts.
("Deck The Halls")
(laughing)
- I'd like a Christmas tree.
A Christmas of course
you'd like a Christmas tree.
You're standing in front
of a little beauty here.
Look at it.
Steady, durable, and made
completely of aluminum.
- Aluminum?
- Yeah, this is for Christmas
like we used to
all know and love.
- I don't want an
aluminum Christmas tree.
- You don't want aluminum,
alright step over this way
look at this little number here.
- This is beautiful,
it's very natural,
yet it's made
completely of plastic.
- Plastic?
I don't want a plastic tree.
- Hold it, hold it.
I've got something
else right here.
- This I one you'll love.
- This is made to be
put together by yourself.
It comes in parts.
- What is that?
- This is made
of stainless steel,
it's a very creative model.
- Stainless steel?
- Like it?
- No, no, I'm afraid not.
I don't think you have
a tree here that I want.
Thank you.
- Wait a minute,
you're hard to please.
Aluminum here,
you've got plastic here,
you've got stainless steel.
What else could I do for you?
- What could you do for me?
I want a tree.
I want a Christmas tree I
like a tree made out of wood.
- Out of wood?
Hey Irving, there's a guy
here with a great new idea.
(laughing)
A Christmas tree
made out of wood.
Genius pal.
(upbeat music)
- We will now hear
from our main speaker
Mr. Tibbels, president of
the Tibbels Toy Company.
Mr. Tibbels.
(clapping)
(childish playful music)
- Hello I am Mr. Tibbels.
President of the
Tibbels Toy Company.
Hello. I am Mr. Tibbels,
president of the Toy
Tibbels Company.
(laughing)
If Ebeneezer Scrooge
met the real Tiny Tim
all your sympathies
would go to Scrooge.
(laughing)
- Harold, you've been
working on that thing
all night long and
it still isn't finished.
Now the kids are going
to be up any minute.
Can't you hurry it up?
- Now don't worry honey,
this is the last
piece to go in place.
- Okay.
(sliding whistle)
- Oh look what we
got for Christmas.
- Oh.
That's my toy.
- It's mine.
(laughing)
(sirens)
("Deck the Halls")
(laughing)
- I'd like a job in your
store as a Santa Claus.
- Oh well I don't want
you to think that our
store has any
objectives to hiring you.
Because we have a
very liberal hiring policy,
the only problem is
that for Santa Claus
you're not quite fat enough.
- How's this?
- Asking before you start work,
put some stuffing in your shirt,
a pillow or something.
(whistle)
- Christmas is
suppose to be a time of
peace on earth.
Does anybody out there
remember what that is?
(laughing)
- Would you like to buy one of
all American sweaters
over here before you leave?
- An equal opportunity sweater.
- Red, white and blue.
(laughing)
It would look nice on you.
(laughing)
No, no, but for Christmas
my wife gave me a color TV set
and a wallet.
And inside the wallet was
this bill for the color TV set.
(laughing)
- Christmas is the
season of giving
and this Christmas to Joe Namath
I give my all.
(laughing)
- To Spiro Agnew, I give
a TV set that won't work.
(laughing)
- To the City of Los Angeles,
I give a visit from
Mayor Sam Yorty.
(laughing)
- To you and I, I'd give a
large autographed picture of
Mao Zedong.
Suitable for taking down.
(laughing)
- Georgie Jessel
I'd give three wishes,
all of which he's
used up already.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
I'd give to two politicians
a suitable for favor.
(laughing)
- To Twiggy, I'd give
anything I can spare.
- To the Internal
Revenue Department,
I give, and give, and give.
(laughing)
- Oh heavens to Betsy.
The motto for Christmas
used to be peace on earth.
Now, it's batteries
not included.
(laughing)
- I hope you're insured fella.
(laughing)
- This is a great office party.
I'm going to go over
and fool around with that
cute little chick in
the corner over there.
- Oh you better not.
That's the boss' wife.
- Oh.
Oh, I think I'll see
how I can make out
with that tall slender
sexy doll over there.
- You better not do that either,
that's the boss' girlfriend.
- Oh well it looks
like I'm going
to have to go back to my wife.
- You better not do that,
that's who the boss is with.
(laughing)
- Look I tell you the
same thing ever year.
Before you slide down,
make sure it's not lit.
- Yes madame, may I help you?
- Oh yes, I'm looking
for a Christmas gift
for my nephew.
I'd like to buy him a nice tie.
I see. What did
you have in mind?
Well something not too loud.
- Not too loud.
- As a matter of fact the
one you're wearing is perfect.
- Oh I'm so sorry, we don't
have one exactly like this,
but madame.
(laughing)
But madame, madame,
That.
Oh for heaven...
- Psst, can you help me?
- Yes, what can I do for you?
- I'd like to buy a
suit for my father
and he's very hard to fit.
He's a 39 long,
coat, but a 29 waist.
- Oh isn't that a coincidence,
that's my size too.
Isn't that something?
- Oh that perfect.
(tearing cloth)
- Don't worry I'll pay for it.
You don't know my father.
He's really hard to
fit and I need this.
(tearing cloth)
Think of an old man going to
have a wonderful Christmas.
- For heavens sake.
- I love my father very
much I can't let him down.
- My suit.
- I'm in a very big hurry,
I gotta buy a modern's man
shirt for my boss David Ashridge.
- Hey you no know what?
The initials D...
- No, no. - Oh yes, yes.
(tearing cloth)
- Oh, leave me something.
Leave me something.
- I need this.
- Leave me something.
- Like that.
Would you.
- Ohhhh.
- [Boss] Andrews.
- Oh the boss.
- You're doing a
fine job Andrews.
Keep up the good work.
(laughing)
I know some people
who like to see
the spirit of Christmas
last all year long.
The toy companies.
(laughing)
- Well how did you like
the mod world of Christmas.
- Terrific, and I'd
like to close it with a
traditional song of the season.
- A traditional
song of the season.
- Traditional song
of the season.
- Wonderful.
Deck the halls with
Lawrence Harvey
- Oh come on hold it.
- Dick, it was the
night before Christmas
and all through the
house I ran after Freda.
- Alright hold it.
Now is that anyway to act?
After all it is Christmas.
- Funny that's what
I kept telling Freda.
- Freda Claus.
- She certainly does.
I could show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- I don't want to see 'em.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Every year it's harder
to make my reindeer fly
Rudolph hasn't lit up
his nose since last July
Too many bills Too many thieves
Too many boozy Christmas Eves
Every year it's harder to
be a happy Santa Claus
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho (applauding)
- Carroll it must
be nerve wrecking
doing you show in
front of a live audience?
- Yeah, what if the
audience doesn't like it?
- Well if they don't like us
we throw rotten
tomatoes at them.
(laughing)
- Tell me Janet.
What do you think
about the show so far?
- Well it's kind of
like the Vietnam War.
I mean it's one
bomb after another
and you think it's just
never going to end.
(laughing)
- Hey Bing how did you
and Bob Hope ever work
in pictures in the
first place together?
- Well it was just
perfect timing.
- Hope wanted to
do a picture with me
it just so happened
at the time I
was accepting bribes.
(laughing)
- Remember when
mailing hot tapioca,
use a container of some
kind during the Christmas rush.
In order to make it easier
for postal employees.
(laughing)
- (Mumble) have
you been a good girl?
- Oh, certainly I have.
If I wasn't I wouldn't
have to ask you for gifts.
- Listen we've been
getting a lot of mail
from up around the
New England states.
And I know you people are having
a tremendous winter up there.
Let me advise you on
some of the best ways
that you can stay warm.
When the... What are you doing?
- I'm working on the
case of the missing
magnifying glass.
- Well it's in your hand.
- Ah ha, another case solved.
(laughing)
- You're brilliant.
- It's some old entry
my dear Watson.
That's elementary.
- It's elementary
my dear elementary.
- What are you
doing in that outfit?
- I'm a u-boat commander.
- Then why are you dressed
up like Sherlock Holmes.
- Well I had to open
up a detective agency
to make enough money
to buy my own u-boat.
- Oh, I hope you've
studied some of
the classic criminal cases.
- I hope so to because
this is where you generally
start asking me questions.
- That's right.
- I'm ready for you though.
- Are you really ready?
Okay, you're such
a criminal expert.
- Right?
- What about the murders
in the Rue Morgue?
- I loved them.
- What do you mean
you loved them?
A man trained a gorilla to
accost and strangle women.
- Ah ha, as as a
trained detective though,
I know that a gorilla would
never accost a women.
- Well what would
a gorilla accost?
- About 6,000 lira.
(laughing)
A little Italian joke.
- What about Jack the Ripper?
- I remember him.
He used to do my shirts.
- Oh come on.
Jack the Ripper
would prowl the streets
pull women into dark alleys.
- Sounds like an American
Legion Convention to me.
- He murdered 30 women.
He was a terrible killer.
- Terrible, sounds like he
was a pretty good one to me.
- Oh for heavens sake.
- Have you ever actually
worked on a case?
- I'm working on one right now?
- Yeah, the case of the
Halloween masked bandit.
- No kidding I
never heard of him.
- He just made his biggest haul.
- What did he get?
- He got two apples,
six tootsie rolls,
and a broken cookie.
- I don't think you
would know a criminal
if one came up and
bit you on the hand.
(screaming)
- Excuse moi.
I wondered if you could
tell me the time please?
- Yeah it's almost, arrgh.
You just bit my hand.
- I'm terribly sorry.
(screaming)
- Nice fella.
- Nice fella?
The man is obviously a criminal.
The worst type.
- Well then I
better go after him.
- Yeah, good luck.
We're going to go the quickies.
- You know I'm
expecting something very
special in my Christmas
stocking this year.
- You know sometime I think.
(screaming)
- Pardon me sir.
I'm looking for a man in
a mask, a screaming girl
and a gorilla.
- Oh that way.
- Thank you.
(laughing)
- Say my watch is slow.
It's says 10 after eight.
- Oh it is 10 after eight.
Your watch isn't slow.
- Don't call me liar.
- Oh Santa is it cold in your
toy shop at the North Pole?
- Very, but its warm
in my den at Malibu.
- Oh where's my present?
- In my den at Malibu.
- Oh.
(laughing)
(wood cracking)
(screaming)
- Excuse me sir, I'm looking
for a man in a Halloween mask,
a screaming girl and a gorilla.
(screaming)
- I planned the
wedding invitations and
Greg I am so exicited.
My dress is going to be ready.
Of course I do have to go over
and meet them for this fitting.
But I think it's going
to be absolutely divine.
It's only $400, but it's
a very, very good buy.
(violin music)
And I though that it'd be lovely
to have the wedding outside.
You know with roses
and all that kind of stuff.
It's always been so romantic
and I like that kind of thing.
Don't you darling?
Anyways I'm going to
have about seven or six...
(Cracking wood)
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(screaming)
- Excuse me sir, I looking for
a man in a Halloween mask,
a screaming girl and a gorilla.
Thank you.
(screaming)
- This Christmas when
giving a king cobra to a friend.
Be thoughtful
enough to wash it first,
because they
sometimes carry germs.
- Laugh-In's not going to
get anything for Christmas.
It's been bad all year.
(laughing)
- There are two good
ways to let a man know
you don't care
about him anymore.
First, try ignoring him.
If that doesn't work,
set his hair on fire.
(laughing)
So much for the
quickies, now we want.
- I've got one.
I've got one, I
captured this girl
and I and am taking
her to my apartment.
- What's the matter with you,
you've got to be crazy.
You let a gorilla mad killer go,
you capture the girl.
Well she hasn't
done anything wrong.
- Well wait until she
gets to my apartment.
She will.
(screaming)
- But it says in the Bible.
- Oh there you go again.
Always dragging
religion into everything.
- Now Laugh-In presents
the season's traditional fable.
About a man named Ebeneezer,
and a man named Cratchit.
Ebeneezer Millhouse
Nixon, and Spiro T. Cratchit.
- Well Spiro T.
Crachit what is it now?
- I'm begging your pardon sir,
but I'm worried about me job.
- Well coincidence Spiro
I'm worried about your job too.
- But sir I can't get
by on what I earn.
- Too bad Spiro, I
can't give you a raise.
- As you know there's
a wage price freeze.
- Well not till after the fact.
As you'll recall.
But I need more money
it's for little Tiny Tim,
he has an affliction.
- Only one?
He's a lucky child.
- But Tiny Tim has a
bitter affliction he plays
ukulele and sings
in a high voice.
- Is that right.
- Oh a bitter life
froth with the rantings
radical rabble coupled
with the coddlings
of culpable culprits
and the purgeries
of a prevaricating press.
- I don't think you're
getting through Spiro.
You talk funny.
- Can I at least have
the rest of the day off sir?
- No, no get back to work.
And finish washing 'em windows.
And I want to make
one thing perfectly clear.
I want then them
windows perfectly clear.
(laughing)
- Oh this, you know, the
meaning of Christmas,
the think about a
holiday, there's something,
it gives man, it's the kind
of thing it makes everybody,
you just want to, you have
such, there's such good,
it just comes, it jut
comes, there's something
about holly, the little
elves, there's all kind of,
there's a kind, it's a
kind of, you want to make,
it's filled with so, it's a
kind, it's the time of season,
when things are, it's just made,
it's filled, I want to make,
it's just, it's a lot
of bills, is what it is.
(laughing)
(upbeat festive music)
- Another Christmas safety hint.
Never send an exploding
fruitcake to a mafia chief.
- Well, you know that I
have two million shares
of Yukon Oil.
Bought 'em for two cents share.
- Why don't you sell them?
- To who?
- May I call you Carroll?
- Please.
- You can call me Loretta.
Why doesn't All In the
Family use canned laughter?
- Because the produces
is afraid of botulism.
- Janet is this your first
Laugh-In appearance?
- You don't mean to tell me
anybody's ever come back?
(laughing)
- I can't think of a soul.
- Bing were you here
during the earthquake?
- I'll never forget it.
- Did you sustain any damage?
- Did I ever, I added two
strokes to my golf game.
- What do you
want for Christmas?
- Oh, $200.
- You've got it for
being a good girl.
Now would you
like to try for 300?
(laughing)
Everywhere we go
are snowflake theories
Hiding in a crib
of highland berries
When the village clock
strikes 12 precisely
We do work ahead
that snoozing nicely
Watch the news the
stories of our nation
We'll have fun across the nation
In the way we bring you the news
We just love to
bring you the news
La, da dee da We
just bring just the news
(Mumble)
(applause)
- [Gary] And now its time
for the Laugh-In news.
With Santa Claus
over land and sea.
His reindeer all
where they should be.
The trimmings all
put up on the tree.
The kiddies all
awaiting with glee.
And a partridge in a pear tree.
- And now here's Dick Martin
with the present news on point.
- I wanted to be in
that number tonight,
but when I was trying
on my tutu I got arrested.
(laughing)
- [Dan] I've seen your tutu.
It's torn isn't it?
- Yes it is now.
(laughing)
- And now for the
news of the present.
Today, in an effort
to kickoff women's
liberation in Burbank,
beauty queen Shelia Mason
burned her jockey shorts.
(laughing)
I agree.
Following an experiment
whereby rats were fed
50 marijuana cigarettes
a day for a year.
Scientists reported they
exhibited definite tendencies
toward bizarre behavior.
But they also had an
album working its way
up to the top 40.
(laughing)
That's a rib-tickler, isn't it?
Bankruptcy has
struck a nationwide
chain of quick food
restaurants recently
opened by Santa Claus.
While customers loved
the elves as waiters
and live reindeer hat racks,
they did have reservations
about eating food
out of stockings.
(laughing)
Now here is Dan
with news of the future.
- They ate the food
out of stockings?
- [Dick] How about that Dan?
- News of the future
20 years from now.
Leavenworth, Kansas,
former Teamster boss
James R. Hoffa finally
walked out of prison today
moments after his newly
organized prison guards
went on strike.
(laughing)
- [Dick] That's good.
- News from the future
20 years from now.
The FCC today awarded
a broadcast license
to the national crime syndicate
for it's own TV network.
The new company
will be called CBS.
The Cement Broadcasting System.
And will feature these exciting
new programs and movies.
I Love Lucy Onno.
All In the River.
And Who Is J. Edgar
Hoover and Why Is He Saying
These Terrible Things About Me?
Those are the programs at CBS.
- By golly, that's kind
of a rib-tickler, isn't it?
- News of the future
at Christmas Eve
20 years from now.
Peace on earth finally
arrived today and
was celebrated
with a 21 gun salute.
- And now for Kid News For Kids,
here's Moosie Drier in the
tree-house somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here, of
Kids News For Kids.
I've been busy buying Christmas
present for my mom and dad.
For my mom, I bought
her a baseball bat,
some skates and a cowboy gun.
For my dad, I bought
him a G.I. Joe kit.
Now all I hope is that Santa
Claus brings something for me.
(laughing)
Back to you chickadoo.
- Now with a special news flash.
Here's our man in Denmark.
Come in our man in Denmark.
- Hi guys guess what.
(laughing)
- Thank you Dave.
- And now we take you to our
man in the Argentine pampas.
- We are here on the
Argentine pampas to interview
and authentic gaucho.
Excuse me sir, are you
an authentic gaucho?
- You bet your life.
Say the secret word and
a gaucho'll come down
and bite you on the leg.
Say another secret word
and I'll bite you on the leg.
- That's the worst
thing I've ever heard.
- Hi busy Buzzi here with
the news from Tinseltown.
(laughing)
Everybody who is anybody
was at the big Hollywood
Christmas party at the
Beverly Hilton Hotel last night.
Even Santa Claus
came in at midnight
with a bag over his shoulder.
Santa was played
by Ernest Borgnine
and the bag was
played by Phyllis Diller.
(laughing)
Tinsel, tinsel.
Kissy, kissy.
(laughing)
- Now for the news
of the past we take you
to Stratford-upon-Avon, the
home of William Shakespeare.
- Hark, what fist
on yonder doorway?
(explosion)
- Are you Will Shakespeare?
- I indeed am he.
- I'm here for the Roman
anti-defamation league
ain't you the guy
who wrote the play
where Caesar was
roughed up by the Italians.
- Yeh indeed.
- Change it, make it so that
the hit was done by the Greeks.
So the hit was
done by the Greeks.
- This is authentic history.
- Yeah, and this is
an authentic sword.
- Those fragile Greeks.
Go will a day.
I'll forget Julius Caesar.
And work on my other play.
Where are Desdemona and
the strangled by her black lover?
- Do the name
Othello ring a bell?
- Now here is our
own Erick Horrified
to tell the true meaning
of ideal of peace on earth
goodwill toward men.
- Thank you.
Peace on earth,
goodwill towards men.
Many, many wars have been
fought for this very purpose.
Now at times we have
had peace on earth,
but unfortunately there
was no goodwill toward men.
Now conversely, when
people were able to have some
goodwill towards men there
was a lot of war on earth.
Now about the best
we've been able to do so far
has been a temporary
peace on earth
and fairly goodwill
towards some men.
And how's your sister?
(laughing)
- And that's the way it is
Christmas August 3rd, nine B.C.
La da dee da And that
concludes our news
(applause)
- Janet Leigh baby.
Hey have you ever had
any singing aspirations?
- No, but I have a couple
of dogs who could hum.
- Bing I understand that
you have a Christmas special
on tomorrow night.
Right here on NBC.
- Yes, I try to sneak
a show on every time
Hope leaves the country.
(laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingys.
And a joyous
good day to you sir.
Is this Guilio's
Catering Service?
Good.
This is Ms. Tomlin of
the telephone company.
I would like to
order a few supplies
for our annual Christmas bash.
Let's see now, we'd
like 14 cases of scotch,
six cases of whiskey, 25
magnums of champagne.
And a can of beer.
(laughing)
Also want 15 party
hats, a bunch of balloons,
and a water bed.
What's that?
Oh no, no, no it's not
going to be a rowdy bunch.
No, no just Fenicia and I.
But could we have all this
stuff sent over on Friday night?
Oh you say it will take
every male employee you can
lay your hands on?
That will be just fine.
I'll see you later.
Fenica, Ernestine.
Listen Fenica, it looks
like a great Christmas.
(upbeat music)
- Gee it's a nice day isn't it?
- I don't know it
looks like a little rain.
- You trying to
start an argument.
(laughing)
- Oh oh, what a jolly old
man that Santa Claus is.
Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful
to be married to man like that.
Oh all that holly, mistletoe,
everything.
- I'm off.
- Oh Santa, couldn't I
go with you and deliver
the toys this Christmas?
- I'm afraid not my dear.
- Well why not?
- Well I don't want to
frighten the children.
- I could wait
outside in the sleigh.
- No I don't want to
frighten the reindeer either.
(laughing)
- Pope likes rock music.
His favorite group is Paul
Revere and the Raiders,
the originals.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Well Carroll this is a
time of joyous tidings.
What do you say we
celebrate at the party?
- Alright how far
into the show are we?
- Aw it's more than half over.
- By golly this is a
time of joyous tidings.
(upbeat music)
- Oh Santa Claus is my hero.
Just imagine making so many
people happy in one night.
- I'm the chairman
of a sub-committee
to study ways to stop
unnecessary congressional junkets.
The first meeting will
be held in Acapulco.
- Last night out in the street,
I saw something that
typifies what's wrong
with the world.
Two guys fighting about
how to get peace on Earth.
- Oh god.
Oh.
My newspaper sent me out
last week to do a photo story
about waste in America.
You know I used
up 500 rolls of film.
But I finally got the
six pictures I wanted.
- I think television
is beginning
to have an affect on the church.
Last week I introduced
my sermon by saying,
"We'll be back to our
service in a minute,
"but first this word
from heaven".
- Our neighborhood social
club wanted to give our mailman
a very expensive gift for
Christmas so we all pitched in
and about him an airmail stamp.
- You know the only way
you're going to get a doctor
to make a house call
these days is to buy a house
next to golf course
and hope for a slice.
- This Christmas, my
husband surprised me by
filling both of my stockings.
I was really surprised how
good he looked in them.
You know Dan I heard
that this Christmas
our boys in Vietnam
are going to have a
traditional holiday meal.
- Well it figures,
Vietnam is the biggest
Turkey we've ever had.
- You know something Big Red?
You make me think Christmas?
- Why's that?
- Well because I just
love to unwrap surprises.
- I know a couple that just
entered a mixed marriage.
- [Ladies] What?
- A mixed marriage.
And I think they're in
for a lot of problems.
- [Woman] How many?
- A lot of problems?
- [Man] How many?
- They ought to know
what their doing after all
they're two grown men.
- Christmas is typical
white man's tradition.
Every Christmas Santa promises
the Indian children
toys and gifts,
and every Christmas
there's another broken
promise to the Indian.
- Jesus Christ Superstar
is such smash hit
I wouldn't be
surprised if next year
we see another called,
Saint Christopher Second Banana.
(applause)
- Hello friends, this is
Chaplin Bud Comlley here
with this thought for today.
Remember that snow
is only nature's blanket
covering the earth.
And the spring rains
make it disappear.
(laughing)
Hello friends.
This is Chaplin Bud Comlley.
- And now more
memorabilia for sale
from the Funan
Motion Picture auction.
Number one, an
alphabetical list of fruit flies
that gathered around
Carmine Miranda
whenever she wore he hat.
Numbber two, a glossy photo
of the last man to see the movie
Willard while carrying
cheese in his pocket.
Number three, a 16 mm
film showing Errol Flynn
entering a convent.
Number four, an 8 mm film
showing Errol Flynn being kicked
out of a convent.
- From the life of Monty Hall.
Take the money, take the money.
- Bing what was the toughest
part of those road pictures?
- Convincing Hope
that the sarong was for
Dorthy Lamour.
(laughing)
- And now we spend
Christmas evening at home with
General and Mrs. Bullwright.
- Ho, ho, ho.
General Bullwright here.
Ordering everybody to
have a merry Christmas.
Did something special
for my wife and bunky.
The Colonel here and her
dog tag set with rhinestone.
- I hope you like them.
- Right Martha W. Colonel
US Army retired serial number
three, nine, five, six,
three, zero, nine, seven.
And I appreciate
your gift too my dear.
It's a lovely
Howitzer thank you.
- Right Martha W.
Colonel US Army...
- Now that's enough monkey.
Let's not get too
sentimental there.
Besides, it's time
to decorate the tree.
You ready?
Right Martha W. Colonel...
- Just give me the
decoration there Colonel.
Prepare to decorate the tree.
Ten-hut.
(drum roll)
Ready, it's now decorated.
(laughing)
Right face.
Forward.
March.
Left-right,
left-right, left-right.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You man now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis.
I thought you were, you were.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- [Dick] Do you
find this amusing?
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis.
I thought you were.
(laughing)
I'm really sorry.
(laughing)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- I've never officiated
at a happier wedding.
I now pronounce
you man and idiot.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- Don't laugh you can't do that.
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
I now pronounce
you... (laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Well that's
good enough for me.
(laughing)
- I almost got through it,
I though if I went faster.
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Evans.
You're not Mrs. Evans.
(laughing)
You had to say Dale Evans.
- [Man] Page 29.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs.
Travis I thought you were...
(laughing)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You man now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis,
I thought you were
your daughter Dale.
Well in that case,
hold the book.
- Dearly beloved.
- My name is Edith Anne
and I'm five year's old.
And at Christmas
time if you're real good
you will get presents.
But you have to be real good.
That's why you never here about
countries getting
anything for Christmas.
That's the truth.
- You going to be a good girl?
- Yes.
- Next.
- That's the problem.
How do you stop the
population explosion?
- The Laugh-In solution.
Give every women
in the world headache.
(laughing)
- All these new
snooping devices.
We can find out everything
about anybody in advance.
- Good afternoon sir, I'm.
- You're Fred Johnston.
- Yes.
- You want to a loan of $40,000.
- Well yes.
- You got no collateral.
- Thank you.
- Can I help you sir?
- Yes, I like to exchange
some stretch socks.
- Is this new?
Now open your's.
You're going to
be really surprised.
It's the same thing
you bought me.
- How cheap can you get?
- You know it's really nice
to come over here and visit.
You Smiths are really
such a close-nit family.
- Well thank you.
(laughing)
(baseball bat crack)
(laughing)
- And now some more
Christmas safety hints.
- Never run down
the street with reindeer
antlers in your mouth.
Never shoplift a grand piano,
the day after a
hernia operations.
Never reach in Santa's bag,
if you know there's
a kind cobra in there.
And when making eggnog,
always use a
fresh supply of nog.
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Burlington Industries.
- Hey Bing is
working on Laugh-In
remind you at all of
doing the road pictures?
- Well, not really those
were comedies shows.
(laughing)
- What do you
want for Christmas?
- A boyfriend who loves me.
- You got it.
- Well you silver-tongue devil.
- It's time to say
goodnight Dick.
- Okay,
but, but first.
- First.
- First let's thank
Carroll O'Connor
for being such a great guest.
(applause)
- Thank you very much
and I just like to say,
being on Laugh-In is
been an extinct pleasure.
- No, no you mean it's
been a distinct pleasure.
Extinct, means nonexistence.
- I know what I am saying.
- Well thank, you know we're
glad you've enjoyed yourself.
Especially since you're
coming back on next year's
Christmas show as Santa Claus.
- Santa Claus next
Christmas that's great.
- I'm jumping up and
down about it already.
- What makes you
think I'm going to do that?
- Well because I heard
you tell the bartender across
the street that you'd
never do Laugh-In again
unless you had a real bag on.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight everybody,
merry Christmas.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Go like this and
say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Prancer
- Goodnight Dick.
(sliding whistle)
- Ten-Hut.
- Say goodnight
to what's his name.
- Goodnight what's his name.
- Goodnight.
- Right Martha W.
Colonel US Army retired.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey Dan baby.
- Yes.
- Do you know that
a fool and his money
are soon parted?
- Where did you get that saying?
- Some guy that
sold it to me for $40.
- Hey Dick baby.
- [Dick] Yeah.
- Did I tell you that my
girlfriend is so old fashion
she wears yesterday's
suspenders.
Did I tell you that?
- I understand that
Billy Graham is a real
hit on his last crusade.
Everybody in the audience
gave hims a kneeling ovation.
- Barbara.
- Poopie poopie.
- Who wrote snap,
crackle and Tarzan?
- Who?
- Edgar Rice Krispie.
- A guy I know just had
a big birthday celebration.
His girlfriend just turned 18.
- My nephew, a
terrible thing happened.
My nephew lost 32 teeth.
- Oh my heavens,
was he in a fight?
- No, he's a dental student
he misplaced his homework.
- Oh.
- Dan you know the hard
part of cleaning my fish tank
is getting the fish out.
- [Dan] Oh yeah.
- Yes maybe I
should use better bait.
- [Dan] Maybe.
- I know a guy who had a
heart, liver and lung transplant.
He's doing fine,
but his foot died.
- This program is prerecorded
so when it's time to record
it it will already be done.
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
(bounncing spring)
(a person clapping)
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- Welcome to the Christmas Show.
Ladies and gentlemen.
- Have we got a
Christmas gift for you.
- A guest.
- It's a guest whose a gift.
The star of one of
television's biggest hits.
That's right from
All In The Family,
Mr. Carroll O'Connor.
(applause)
- Well welcome to the
Christmas Show Carroll.
- And Seasons Greetings.
- Yes sir.
- Thank you fellas.
I know it's Christmas.
In fact I have a special
message for the whole country.
- Well that's very nice.
- And I mean all races.
White, black, red,
yellow, all of them.
- Very appropriate.
- All religions I
don't care if you're
Catholic, Protestant,
Jewish or whatever.
- Well that's only right.
- Every nationality,
Irish, Italian, Mexican,
even Polish.
- Even Polish there
you are generous.
What's the message?
- For me, a very
merry Christmas.
And from that other guy.
Why don't you all go back
to where you come from
and leave me alone.
(applause)
- Hold it, if we're so wise
how come we're
working on a holiday?
(winding of clock)
(whistle)
(laughter)
- Ms. Green.
Will you straighten up?
Did that scene in Psycho
where you got stabbed,
you know with that
knife in the shower
affect you?
- Oh very much so.
I mean to this day, I
can't take a shower
with Anthony Perkins
in the same room.
- Okay.
(laughing)
- What are we going to do
when we get out on parole?
- I don't know about you,
but I'm getting married.
(laughter)
(howling wind)
- You know I said to my friend,
Vincent Van Gogh,
"Lend me your ear, and you'll
never believe what he did".
(laughing)
- I didn't get you anything
for Christmas honey
because I just spent money
to fix the garbage disposal.
We got the new washer,
and the vacuum was kind of a
family Christmas present right?
- Yes, right, right.
You are right honey.
- Here, go ahead and
open up your present.
- Aw gee.
Thanks hun.
A teddy bear?
- Well I thought you should
have something to sleep with.
(laughing)
Bjorn, what are you doing?
- I'm baking an
upside down cake.
(laughing)
- You can have
everything you ask for.
- Oh thank you Santa.
Now is there anything
I can do for you?
- Yes on Christmas Eve,
you know when you hang
your stockings
by the fire place?
- Yes.
- You'll be in them.
(laughing)
("Deck the Halls")
- Hey, I guess you know
you've just ruined our soup.
(laughing)
- Now I'm going
to test you reflexes.
(elastic arrow)
Oh very bad.
(laughing)
- Tell me Carroll.
How come you have
a women's name?
- How come you got a man's body?
(laughter)
- Whose that guy down there
Oh he's just a barfly.
(kettle drum)
- Story of a Hollywood agent.
Take 10%.
- Well we're down to
our last drop of water.
- You see anything out there?
- Yeah, I see a teepee.
With an orange roof.
Hey and there's
something written on it.
- Can you make it out?
- Yeah I think, I think so.
Hey have you ever
heard of Indian named
Howard Johnson?
(laughing)
- Can I help you?
- Yes I want my money
back for this lousy trick hat.
- What's wrong?
- Well there's supposed to be
a rabbit comes out of this hat.
(whistle)
Look nothing.
Nothing.
(laughing)
- Hey Bing, it's great see
you here tonight on Laugh-In.
- I wouldn't have
missed it for the world.
- Hey we're going to see
you tomorrow night too
right here on good old NBC.
With your special The
Sounds of Christmas.
- That's right.
- Well that's very kind
of you to mention it.
We're going to have a
real typical Christmas.
Holly, ivy and a carol or two.
- Hey do you always
celebrate Christmas that way?
I mean Holly, ivy
and a carol or two?
- No as a lad I used to
celebrate with a Nancy,
a Betty, and a Shirley.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank toy factory
and munitions dump.
NBC, the Nice Before
Christmas network fails
to get the Partridge
Family out of the Pear tree.
And presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the jolly
old Dan Rowan.
And the ho, ho, ho Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Carroll O'Connor.
And Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
And Lily Tomlin.
With Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown.
Ann Elder.
Margaret Thomas.
Larry Hovis.
Richard Dawson.
With cameo appearances
by Bing Crobsy.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with those two traditional words,
shouted everywhere
throughout the holiday season.
I'm broke.
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by,
Burlington Industry, if it's
anything to do with fabric
we do it at Burlington.
And we do more of it
than anyone in the world.
- On this season,
the Christmas spirit
reaches deep into the heart.
Now here are two guys
who just get under your skin.
Dan and Dick.
(theatrical upbeat music)
(applause)
- I know.
Oh it goes on and on.
- The spirit is everywhere.
Listen you realize it's
the season to be jolly.
- That's...
- Christmas just
around the corner.
- You know it certainly is.
As a matter of fact.
As a matter of fact I
even met old Santa Claus
at a party last week.
- You met Santa
Claus at a party?
- Yes and it's about time
the world knew the truth
about old Santa Claus.
- What are you talking about?
- To begin with, she does
not even have a beard.
(laughing)
- She?
Santa Claus is a lady?
- Absolutely, however, she
never lets it interfere with
her having a good time.
(laughing)
- That's absurd,
Santa Claus is a myth.
- No she's a mythid of.
But you can call her Freda.
- Thank you.
Listen if Santa Claus
is a lady named Freda,
whose the little old man
with the red nose who
comes down the chimney
on Christmas Eve?
- Oh that's Herbie.
Stoned out of his glory.
(laughing)
He does the same thing
on the Fourth of July.
Easter, Saint Swithin's Day,
makes no difference to him.
- Well who is it that
rides through the air
in a red sleigh, with
eight tiny reindeer going,
"Ho, ho, ho".
- Well wait a minute.
Let me see now,
is it Ralph Nader?
- No it's not Ralph Nader.
(laughing)
- Let's see, red suit,
beard, flies around, sleigh,
reindeer, is there anything
unusual about him?
- Well of course not.
- Well then it's Jimmy Stewart.
- It isn't Jimmmy...
Jimmy Stewart?
What's the matter with you?
- Does he play according
and have a trained polar beer?
- No.
- Well that proves it.
It's Jimmy Stewart.
He doesn't have
either of those things.
(laughing)
- Why don't you just admit
you don't know anything
about Santa Claus.
Freda's some broad
you met at a party,
has nothing to do with Christmas
and he's certainly
isn't Santa Claus.
- Alright okay.
You say you've got
a red beard and...
- Oh forget about it.
Listen it's time for us to
take a look at the mod world
of Christmas.
- Well, ho, ho, ho.
- What's that?
That's Jimmy
Stewart going ho, ho...
- I told you it's
not jimmy Stewart.
- Well it was me
going ho, ho, ho.
- Just look at the mod
Chrismas ho, ho, ho
(laughing)
(ringing bells)
Tis the season to be jolly
Perpetrate the yearly follies
Plump with nuts and now by golly
Christmas time is here
Every year it's harder
to be a Santa Claus
For this Yuletide caroling
has its major flaws
Too many gifts Too many toys
Too many greedy girls and boys
Too many teeny chimneys
Too many plastic Christmas trees
We are getting leery
of all this ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
We get tired of kissing
beneath the mistletoe
Dumb, dumb,
dumb Too little rights
Too many wrongs
Too many crummy Christmas songs
Every year it's hard
to be a Santa Claus
Think of poor old daddy
working hard for his pay
All that Christmas
means to him is
Credit cards, charge accounts
Good old layaways
Every year it's hard
to look at red and green
For a change a we're
thinking of working Halloween
Where is the joy
Where is the merce
Where is the heck peace on earth
If you wondering
why we're grumbling
It's because every
year it's harder to see
An old Saint Nick
whose funny and free
And every year its harder to see
And happy Santa claus
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho Ho (applauding)
- Where are you going?
- I'm following the
North Star to Bethlehem.
- Bearing gifts like you are.
What are you bringing?
- I'm bringing gold.
- I'm bringing work.
- And I'm bringing frankincense
What are you bringing?
- I brought him a tie.
(laughing)
- Not another tie.
- Well thank you bye, bye.
Honey.
- A goes into B, no
that doesn't work.
- Honey.
- What is it?
- Honey you can stop
trying to put Johnny's
rocking horse together,
he's been drafted.
(laughing)
- You know what I'd like
most for Christmas this year?
A bunch of bills
marked, "Paid in full",
from last Christmas.
(laughing)
- Where's grandpa?
- Oh he's turning his
trimming his beard.
- Oh.
(mumbling)
- With the warm climate
they have in California,
on Christmas Santa
Claus slides down
the air conditioning ducts.
("Deck The Halls")
(laughing)
- I'd like a Christmas tree.
A Christmas of course
you'd like a Christmas tree.
You're standing in front
of a little beauty here.
Look at it.
Steady, durable, and made
completely of aluminum.
- Aluminum?
- Yeah, this is for Christmas
like we used to
all know and love.
- I don't want an
aluminum Christmas tree.
- You don't want aluminum,
alright step over this way
look at this little number here.
- This is beautiful,
it's very natural,
yet it's made
completely of plastic.
- Plastic?
I don't want a plastic tree.
- Hold it, hold it.
I've got something
else right here.
- This I one you'll love.
- This is made to be
put together by yourself.
It comes in parts.
- What is that?
- This is made
of stainless steel,
it's a very creative model.
- Stainless steel?
- Like it?
- No, no, I'm afraid not.
I don't think you have
a tree here that I want.
Thank you.
- Wait a minute,
you're hard to please.
Aluminum here,
you've got plastic here,
you've got stainless steel.
What else could I do for you?
- What could you do for me?
I want a tree.
I want a Christmas tree I
like a tree made out of wood.
- Out of wood?
Hey Irving, there's a guy
here with a great new idea.
(laughing)
A Christmas tree
made out of wood.
Genius pal.
(upbeat music)
- We will now hear
from our main speaker
Mr. Tibbels, president of
the Tibbels Toy Company.
Mr. Tibbels.
(clapping)
(childish playful music)
- Hello I am Mr. Tibbels.
President of the
Tibbels Toy Company.
Hello. I am Mr. Tibbels,
president of the Toy
Tibbels Company.
(laughing)
If Ebeneezer Scrooge
met the real Tiny Tim
all your sympathies
would go to Scrooge.
(laughing)
- Harold, you've been
working on that thing
all night long and
it still isn't finished.
Now the kids are going
to be up any minute.
Can't you hurry it up?
- Now don't worry honey,
this is the last
piece to go in place.
- Okay.
(sliding whistle)
- Oh look what we
got for Christmas.
- Oh.
That's my toy.
- It's mine.
(laughing)
(sirens)
("Deck the Halls")
(laughing)
- I'd like a job in your
store as a Santa Claus.
- Oh well I don't want
you to think that our
store has any
objectives to hiring you.
Because we have a
very liberal hiring policy,
the only problem is
that for Santa Claus
you're not quite fat enough.
- How's this?
- Asking before you start work,
put some stuffing in your shirt,
a pillow or something.
(whistle)
- Christmas is
suppose to be a time of
peace on earth.
Does anybody out there
remember what that is?
(laughing)
- Would you like to buy one of
all American sweaters
over here before you leave?
- An equal opportunity sweater.
- Red, white and blue.
(laughing)
It would look nice on you.
(laughing)
No, no, but for Christmas
my wife gave me a color TV set
and a wallet.
And inside the wallet was
this bill for the color TV set.
(laughing)
- Christmas is the
season of giving
and this Christmas to Joe Namath
I give my all.
(laughing)
- To Spiro Agnew, I give
a TV set that won't work.
(laughing)
- To the City of Los Angeles,
I give a visit from
Mayor Sam Yorty.
(laughing)
- To you and I, I'd give a
large autographed picture of
Mao Zedong.
Suitable for taking down.
(laughing)
- Georgie Jessel
I'd give three wishes,
all of which he's
used up already.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
I'd give to two politicians
a suitable for favor.
(laughing)
- To Twiggy, I'd give
anything I can spare.
- To the Internal
Revenue Department,
I give, and give, and give.
(laughing)
- Oh heavens to Betsy.
The motto for Christmas
used to be peace on earth.
Now, it's batteries
not included.
(laughing)
- I hope you're insured fella.
(laughing)
- This is a great office party.
I'm going to go over
and fool around with that
cute little chick in
the corner over there.
- Oh you better not.
That's the boss' wife.
- Oh.
Oh, I think I'll see
how I can make out
with that tall slender
sexy doll over there.
- You better not do that either,
that's the boss' girlfriend.
- Oh well it looks
like I'm going
to have to go back to my wife.
- You better not do that,
that's who the boss is with.
(laughing)
- Look I tell you the
same thing ever year.
Before you slide down,
make sure it's not lit.
- Yes madame, may I help you?
- Oh yes, I'm looking
for a Christmas gift
for my nephew.
I'd like to buy him a nice tie.
I see. What did
you have in mind?
Well something not too loud.
- Not too loud.
- As a matter of fact the
one you're wearing is perfect.
- Oh I'm so sorry, we don't
have one exactly like this,
but madame.
(laughing)
But madame, madame,
That.
Oh for heaven...
- Psst, can you help me?
- Yes, what can I do for you?
- I'd like to buy a
suit for my father
and he's very hard to fit.
He's a 39 long,
coat, but a 29 waist.
- Oh isn't that a coincidence,
that's my size too.
Isn't that something?
- Oh that perfect.
(tearing cloth)
- Don't worry I'll pay for it.
You don't know my father.
He's really hard to
fit and I need this.
(tearing cloth)
Think of an old man going to
have a wonderful Christmas.
- For heavens sake.
- I love my father very
much I can't let him down.
- My suit.
- I'm in a very big hurry,
I gotta buy a modern's man
shirt for my boss David Ashridge.
- Hey you no know what?
The initials D...
- No, no. - Oh yes, yes.
(tearing cloth)
- Oh, leave me something.
Leave me something.
- I need this.
- Leave me something.
- Like that.
Would you.
- Ohhhh.
- [Boss] Andrews.
- Oh the boss.
- You're doing a
fine job Andrews.
Keep up the good work.
(laughing)
I know some people
who like to see
the spirit of Christmas
last all year long.
The toy companies.
(laughing)
- Well how did you like
the mod world of Christmas.
- Terrific, and I'd
like to close it with a
traditional song of the season.
- A traditional
song of the season.
- Traditional song
of the season.
- Wonderful.
Deck the halls with
Lawrence Harvey
- Oh come on hold it.
- Dick, it was the
night before Christmas
and all through the
house I ran after Freda.
- Alright hold it.
Now is that anyway to act?
After all it is Christmas.
- Funny that's what
I kept telling Freda.
- Freda Claus.
- She certainly does.
I could show you scars that
would tear your heart out.
- I don't want to see 'em.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Every year it's harder
to make my reindeer fly
Rudolph hasn't lit up
his nose since last July
Too many bills Too many thieves
Too many boozy Christmas Eves
Every year it's harder to
be a happy Santa Claus
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho (applauding)
- Carroll it must
be nerve wrecking
doing you show in
front of a live audience?
- Yeah, what if the
audience doesn't like it?
- Well if they don't like us
we throw rotten
tomatoes at them.
(laughing)
- Tell me Janet.
What do you think
about the show so far?
- Well it's kind of
like the Vietnam War.
I mean it's one
bomb after another
and you think it's just
never going to end.
(laughing)
- Hey Bing how did you
and Bob Hope ever work
in pictures in the
first place together?
- Well it was just
perfect timing.
- Hope wanted to
do a picture with me
it just so happened
at the time I
was accepting bribes.
(laughing)
- Remember when
mailing hot tapioca,
use a container of some
kind during the Christmas rush.
In order to make it easier
for postal employees.
(laughing)
- (Mumble) have
you been a good girl?
- Oh, certainly I have.
If I wasn't I wouldn't
have to ask you for gifts.
- Listen we've been
getting a lot of mail
from up around the
New England states.
And I know you people are having
a tremendous winter up there.
Let me advise you on
some of the best ways
that you can stay warm.
When the... What are you doing?
- I'm working on the
case of the missing
magnifying glass.
- Well it's in your hand.
- Ah ha, another case solved.
(laughing)
- You're brilliant.
- It's some old entry
my dear Watson.
That's elementary.
- It's elementary
my dear elementary.
- What are you
doing in that outfit?
- I'm a u-boat commander.
- Then why are you dressed
up like Sherlock Holmes.
- Well I had to open
up a detective agency
to make enough money
to buy my own u-boat.
- Oh, I hope you've
studied some of
the classic criminal cases.
- I hope so to because
this is where you generally
start asking me questions.
- That's right.
- I'm ready for you though.
- Are you really ready?
Okay, you're such
a criminal expert.
- Right?
- What about the murders
in the Rue Morgue?
- I loved them.
- What do you mean
you loved them?
A man trained a gorilla to
accost and strangle women.
- Ah ha, as as a
trained detective though,
I know that a gorilla would
never accost a women.
- Well what would
a gorilla accost?
- About 6,000 lira.
(laughing)
A little Italian joke.
- What about Jack the Ripper?
- I remember him.
He used to do my shirts.
- Oh come on.
Jack the Ripper
would prowl the streets
pull women into dark alleys.
- Sounds like an American
Legion Convention to me.
- He murdered 30 women.
He was a terrible killer.
- Terrible, sounds like he
was a pretty good one to me.
- Oh for heavens sake.
- Have you ever actually
worked on a case?
- I'm working on one right now?
- Yeah, the case of the
Halloween masked bandit.
- No kidding I
never heard of him.
- He just made his biggest haul.
- What did he get?
- He got two apples,
six tootsie rolls,
and a broken cookie.
- I don't think you
would know a criminal
if one came up and
bit you on the hand.
(screaming)
- Excuse moi.
I wondered if you could
tell me the time please?
- Yeah it's almost, arrgh.
You just bit my hand.
- I'm terribly sorry.
(screaming)
- Nice fella.
- Nice fella?
The man is obviously a criminal.
The worst type.
- Well then I
better go after him.
- Yeah, good luck.
We're going to go the quickies.
- You know I'm
expecting something very
special in my Christmas
stocking this year.
- You know sometime I think.
(screaming)
- Pardon me sir.
I'm looking for a man in
a mask, a screaming girl
and a gorilla.
- Oh that way.
- Thank you.
(laughing)
- Say my watch is slow.
It's says 10 after eight.
- Oh it is 10 after eight.
Your watch isn't slow.
- Don't call me liar.
- Oh Santa is it cold in your
toy shop at the North Pole?
- Very, but its warm
in my den at Malibu.
- Oh where's my present?
- In my den at Malibu.
- Oh.
(laughing)
(wood cracking)
(screaming)
- Excuse me sir, I'm looking
for a man in a Halloween mask,
a screaming girl and a gorilla.
(screaming)
- I planned the
wedding invitations and
Greg I am so exicited.
My dress is going to be ready.
Of course I do have to go over
and meet them for this fitting.
But I think it's going
to be absolutely divine.
It's only $400, but it's
a very, very good buy.
(violin music)
And I though that it'd be lovely
to have the wedding outside.
You know with roses
and all that kind of stuff.
It's always been so romantic
and I like that kind of thing.
Don't you darling?
Anyways I'm going to
have about seven or six...
(Cracking wood)
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(screaming)
- Excuse me sir, I looking for
a man in a Halloween mask,
a screaming girl and a gorilla.
Thank you.
(screaming)
- This Christmas when
giving a king cobra to a friend.
Be thoughtful
enough to wash it first,
because they
sometimes carry germs.
- Laugh-In's not going to
get anything for Christmas.
It's been bad all year.
(laughing)
- There are two good
ways to let a man know
you don't care
about him anymore.
First, try ignoring him.
If that doesn't work,
set his hair on fire.
(laughing)
So much for the
quickies, now we want.
- I've got one.
I've got one, I
captured this girl
and I and am taking
her to my apartment.
- What's the matter with you,
you've got to be crazy.
You let a gorilla mad killer go,
you capture the girl.
Well she hasn't
done anything wrong.
- Well wait until she
gets to my apartment.
She will.
(screaming)
- But it says in the Bible.
- Oh there you go again.
Always dragging
religion into everything.
- Now Laugh-In presents
the season's traditional fable.
About a man named Ebeneezer,
and a man named Cratchit.
Ebeneezer Millhouse
Nixon, and Spiro T. Cratchit.
- Well Spiro T.
Crachit what is it now?
- I'm begging your pardon sir,
but I'm worried about me job.
- Well coincidence Spiro
I'm worried about your job too.
- But sir I can't get
by on what I earn.
- Too bad Spiro, I
can't give you a raise.
- As you know there's
a wage price freeze.
- Well not till after the fact.
As you'll recall.
But I need more money
it's for little Tiny Tim,
he has an affliction.
- Only one?
He's a lucky child.
- But Tiny Tim has a
bitter affliction he plays
ukulele and sings
in a high voice.
- Is that right.
- Oh a bitter life
froth with the rantings
radical rabble coupled
with the coddlings
of culpable culprits
and the purgeries
of a prevaricating press.
- I don't think you're
getting through Spiro.
You talk funny.
- Can I at least have
the rest of the day off sir?
- No, no get back to work.
And finish washing 'em windows.
And I want to make
one thing perfectly clear.
I want then them
windows perfectly clear.
(laughing)
- Oh this, you know, the
meaning of Christmas,
the think about a
holiday, there's something,
it gives man, it's the kind
of thing it makes everybody,
you just want to, you have
such, there's such good,
it just comes, it jut
comes, there's something
about holly, the little
elves, there's all kind of,
there's a kind, it's a
kind of, you want to make,
it's filled with so, it's a
kind, it's the time of season,
when things are, it's just made,
it's filled, I want to make,
it's just, it's a lot
of bills, is what it is.
(laughing)
(upbeat festive music)
- Another Christmas safety hint.
Never send an exploding
fruitcake to a mafia chief.
- Well, you know that I
have two million shares
of Yukon Oil.
Bought 'em for two cents share.
- Why don't you sell them?
- To who?
- May I call you Carroll?
- Please.
- You can call me Loretta.
Why doesn't All In the
Family use canned laughter?
- Because the produces
is afraid of botulism.
- Janet is this your first
Laugh-In appearance?
- You don't mean to tell me
anybody's ever come back?
(laughing)
- I can't think of a soul.
- Bing were you here
during the earthquake?
- I'll never forget it.
- Did you sustain any damage?
- Did I ever, I added two
strokes to my golf game.
- What do you
want for Christmas?
- Oh, $200.
- You've got it for
being a good girl.
Now would you
like to try for 300?
(laughing)
Everywhere we go
are snowflake theories
Hiding in a crib
of highland berries
When the village clock
strikes 12 precisely
We do work ahead
that snoozing nicely
Watch the news the
stories of our nation
We'll have fun across the nation
In the way we bring you the news
We just love to
bring you the news
La, da dee da We
just bring just the news
(Mumble)
(applause)
- [Gary] And now its time
for the Laugh-In news.
With Santa Claus
over land and sea.
His reindeer all
where they should be.
The trimmings all
put up on the tree.
The kiddies all
awaiting with glee.
And a partridge in a pear tree.
- And now here's Dick Martin
with the present news on point.
- I wanted to be in
that number tonight,
but when I was trying
on my tutu I got arrested.
(laughing)
- [Dan] I've seen your tutu.
It's torn isn't it?
- Yes it is now.
(laughing)
- And now for the
news of the present.
Today, in an effort
to kickoff women's
liberation in Burbank,
beauty queen Shelia Mason
burned her jockey shorts.
(laughing)
I agree.
Following an experiment
whereby rats were fed
50 marijuana cigarettes
a day for a year.
Scientists reported they
exhibited definite tendencies
toward bizarre behavior.
But they also had an
album working its way
up to the top 40.
(laughing)
That's a rib-tickler, isn't it?
Bankruptcy has
struck a nationwide
chain of quick food
restaurants recently
opened by Santa Claus.
While customers loved
the elves as waiters
and live reindeer hat racks,
they did have reservations
about eating food
out of stockings.
(laughing)
Now here is Dan
with news of the future.
- They ate the food
out of stockings?
- [Dick] How about that Dan?
- News of the future
20 years from now.
Leavenworth, Kansas,
former Teamster boss
James R. Hoffa finally
walked out of prison today
moments after his newly
organized prison guards
went on strike.
(laughing)
- [Dick] That's good.
- News from the future
20 years from now.
The FCC today awarded
a broadcast license
to the national crime syndicate
for it's own TV network.
The new company
will be called CBS.
The Cement Broadcasting System.
And will feature these exciting
new programs and movies.
I Love Lucy Onno.
All In the River.
And Who Is J. Edgar
Hoover and Why Is He Saying
These Terrible Things About Me?
Those are the programs at CBS.
- By golly, that's kind
of a rib-tickler, isn't it?
- News of the future
at Christmas Eve
20 years from now.
Peace on earth finally
arrived today and
was celebrated
with a 21 gun salute.
- And now for Kid News For Kids,
here's Moosie Drier in the
tree-house somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here, of
Kids News For Kids.
I've been busy buying Christmas
present for my mom and dad.
For my mom, I bought
her a baseball bat,
some skates and a cowboy gun.
For my dad, I bought
him a G.I. Joe kit.
Now all I hope is that Santa
Claus brings something for me.
(laughing)
Back to you chickadoo.
- Now with a special news flash.
Here's our man in Denmark.
Come in our man in Denmark.
- Hi guys guess what.
(laughing)
- Thank you Dave.
- And now we take you to our
man in the Argentine pampas.
- We are here on the
Argentine pampas to interview
and authentic gaucho.
Excuse me sir, are you
an authentic gaucho?
- You bet your life.
Say the secret word and
a gaucho'll come down
and bite you on the leg.
Say another secret word
and I'll bite you on the leg.
- That's the worst
thing I've ever heard.
- Hi busy Buzzi here with
the news from Tinseltown.
(laughing)
Everybody who is anybody
was at the big Hollywood
Christmas party at the
Beverly Hilton Hotel last night.
Even Santa Claus
came in at midnight
with a bag over his shoulder.
Santa was played
by Ernest Borgnine
and the bag was
played by Phyllis Diller.
(laughing)
Tinsel, tinsel.
Kissy, kissy.
(laughing)
- Now for the news
of the past we take you
to Stratford-upon-Avon, the
home of William Shakespeare.
- Hark, what fist
on yonder doorway?
(explosion)
- Are you Will Shakespeare?
- I indeed am he.
- I'm here for the Roman
anti-defamation league
ain't you the guy
who wrote the play
where Caesar was
roughed up by the Italians.
- Yeh indeed.
- Change it, make it so that
the hit was done by the Greeks.
So the hit was
done by the Greeks.
- This is authentic history.
- Yeah, and this is
an authentic sword.
- Those fragile Greeks.
Go will a day.
I'll forget Julius Caesar.
And work on my other play.
Where are Desdemona and
the strangled by her black lover?
- Do the name
Othello ring a bell?
- Now here is our
own Erick Horrified
to tell the true meaning
of ideal of peace on earth
goodwill toward men.
- Thank you.
Peace on earth,
goodwill towards men.
Many, many wars have been
fought for this very purpose.
Now at times we have
had peace on earth,
but unfortunately there
was no goodwill toward men.
Now conversely, when
people were able to have some
goodwill towards men there
was a lot of war on earth.
Now about the best
we've been able to do so far
has been a temporary
peace on earth
and fairly goodwill
towards some men.
And how's your sister?
(laughing)
- And that's the way it is
Christmas August 3rd, nine B.C.
La da dee da And that
concludes our news
(applause)
- Janet Leigh baby.
Hey have you ever had
any singing aspirations?
- No, but I have a couple
of dogs who could hum.
- Bing I understand that
you have a Christmas special
on tomorrow night.
Right here on NBC.
- Yes, I try to sneak
a show on every time
Hope leaves the country.
(laughing)
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingys.
And a joyous
good day to you sir.
Is this Guilio's
Catering Service?
Good.
This is Ms. Tomlin of
the telephone company.
I would like to
order a few supplies
for our annual Christmas bash.
Let's see now, we'd
like 14 cases of scotch,
six cases of whiskey, 25
magnums of champagne.
And a can of beer.
(laughing)
Also want 15 party
hats, a bunch of balloons,
and a water bed.
What's that?
Oh no, no, no it's not
going to be a rowdy bunch.
No, no just Fenicia and I.
But could we have all this
stuff sent over on Friday night?
Oh you say it will take
every male employee you can
lay your hands on?
That will be just fine.
I'll see you later.
Fenica, Ernestine.
Listen Fenica, it looks
like a great Christmas.
(upbeat music)
- Gee it's a nice day isn't it?
- I don't know it
looks like a little rain.
- You trying to
start an argument.
(laughing)
- Oh oh, what a jolly old
man that Santa Claus is.
Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful
to be married to man like that.
Oh all that holly, mistletoe,
everything.
- I'm off.
- Oh Santa, couldn't I
go with you and deliver
the toys this Christmas?
- I'm afraid not my dear.
- Well why not?
- Well I don't want to
frighten the children.
- I could wait
outside in the sleigh.
- No I don't want to
frighten the reindeer either.
(laughing)
- Pope likes rock music.
His favorite group is Paul
Revere and the Raiders,
the originals.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Well Carroll this is a
time of joyous tidings.
What do you say we
celebrate at the party?
- Alright how far
into the show are we?
- Aw it's more than half over.
- By golly this is a
time of joyous tidings.
(upbeat music)
- Oh Santa Claus is my hero.
Just imagine making so many
people happy in one night.
- I'm the chairman
of a sub-committee
to study ways to stop
unnecessary congressional junkets.
The first meeting will
be held in Acapulco.
- Last night out in the street,
I saw something that
typifies what's wrong
with the world.
Two guys fighting about
how to get peace on Earth.
- Oh god.
Oh.
My newspaper sent me out
last week to do a photo story
about waste in America.
You know I used
up 500 rolls of film.
But I finally got the
six pictures I wanted.
- I think television
is beginning
to have an affect on the church.
Last week I introduced
my sermon by saying,
"We'll be back to our
service in a minute,
"but first this word
from heaven".
- Our neighborhood social
club wanted to give our mailman
a very expensive gift for
Christmas so we all pitched in
and about him an airmail stamp.
- You know the only way
you're going to get a doctor
to make a house call
these days is to buy a house
next to golf course
and hope for a slice.
- This Christmas, my
husband surprised me by
filling both of my stockings.
I was really surprised how
good he looked in them.
You know Dan I heard
that this Christmas
our boys in Vietnam
are going to have a
traditional holiday meal.
- Well it figures,
Vietnam is the biggest
Turkey we've ever had.
- You know something Big Red?
You make me think Christmas?
- Why's that?
- Well because I just
love to unwrap surprises.
- I know a couple that just
entered a mixed marriage.
- [Ladies] What?
- A mixed marriage.
And I think they're in
for a lot of problems.
- [Woman] How many?
- A lot of problems?
- [Man] How many?
- They ought to know
what their doing after all
they're two grown men.
- Christmas is typical
white man's tradition.
Every Christmas Santa promises
the Indian children
toys and gifts,
and every Christmas
there's another broken
promise to the Indian.
- Jesus Christ Superstar
is such smash hit
I wouldn't be
surprised if next year
we see another called,
Saint Christopher Second Banana.
(applause)
- Hello friends, this is
Chaplin Bud Comlley here
with this thought for today.
Remember that snow
is only nature's blanket
covering the earth.
And the spring rains
make it disappear.
(laughing)
Hello friends.
This is Chaplin Bud Comlley.
- And now more
memorabilia for sale
from the Funan
Motion Picture auction.
Number one, an
alphabetical list of fruit flies
that gathered around
Carmine Miranda
whenever she wore he hat.
Numbber two, a glossy photo
of the last man to see the movie
Willard while carrying
cheese in his pocket.
Number three, a 16 mm
film showing Errol Flynn
entering a convent.
Number four, an 8 mm film
showing Errol Flynn being kicked
out of a convent.
- From the life of Monty Hall.
Take the money, take the money.
- Bing what was the toughest
part of those road pictures?
- Convincing Hope
that the sarong was for
Dorthy Lamour.
(laughing)
- And now we spend
Christmas evening at home with
General and Mrs. Bullwright.
- Ho, ho, ho.
General Bullwright here.
Ordering everybody to
have a merry Christmas.
Did something special
for my wife and bunky.
The Colonel here and her
dog tag set with rhinestone.
- I hope you like them.
- Right Martha W. Colonel
US Army retired serial number
three, nine, five, six,
three, zero, nine, seven.
And I appreciate
your gift too my dear.
It's a lovely
Howitzer thank you.
- Right Martha W.
Colonel US Army...
- Now that's enough monkey.
Let's not get too
sentimental there.
Besides, it's time
to decorate the tree.
You ready?
Right Martha W. Colonel...
- Just give me the
decoration there Colonel.
Prepare to decorate the tree.
Ten-hut.
(drum roll)
Ready, it's now decorated.
(laughing)
Right face.
Forward.
March.
Left-right,
left-right, left-right.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You man now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis.
I thought you were, you were.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- [Dick] Do you
find this amusing?
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis.
I thought you were.
(laughing)
I'm really sorry.
(laughing)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- I've never officiated
at a happier wedding.
I now pronounce
you man and idiot.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- Don't laugh you can't do that.
- [Man] Page 29.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
I now pronounce
you... (laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Well that's
good enough for me.
(laughing)
- I almost got through it,
I though if I went faster.
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
(laughing)
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Evans.
You're not Mrs. Evans.
(laughing)
You had to say Dale Evans.
- [Man] Page 29.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs.
Travis I thought you were...
(laughing)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
- [Man] Page 29.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You man now kiss the bride.
- Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Travis,
I thought you were
your daughter Dale.
Well in that case,
hold the book.
- Dearly beloved.
- My name is Edith Anne
and I'm five year's old.
And at Christmas
time if you're real good
you will get presents.
But you have to be real good.
That's why you never here about
countries getting
anything for Christmas.
That's the truth.
- You going to be a good girl?
- Yes.
- Next.
- That's the problem.
How do you stop the
population explosion?
- The Laugh-In solution.
Give every women
in the world headache.
(laughing)
- All these new
snooping devices.
We can find out everything
about anybody in advance.
- Good afternoon sir, I'm.
- You're Fred Johnston.
- Yes.
- You want to a loan of $40,000.
- Well yes.
- You got no collateral.
- Thank you.
- Can I help you sir?
- Yes, I like to exchange
some stretch socks.
- Is this new?
Now open your's.
You're going to
be really surprised.
It's the same thing
you bought me.
- How cheap can you get?
- You know it's really nice
to come over here and visit.
You Smiths are really
such a close-nit family.
- Well thank you.
(laughing)
(baseball bat crack)
(laughing)
- And now some more
Christmas safety hints.
- Never run down
the street with reindeer
antlers in your mouth.
Never shoplift a grand piano,
the day after a
hernia operations.
Never reach in Santa's bag,
if you know there's
a kind cobra in there.
And when making eggnog,
always use a
fresh supply of nog.
Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Burlington Industries.
- Hey Bing is
working on Laugh-In
remind you at all of
doing the road pictures?
- Well, not really those
were comedies shows.
(laughing)
- What do you
want for Christmas?
- A boyfriend who loves me.
- You got it.
- Well you silver-tongue devil.
- It's time to say
goodnight Dick.
- Okay,
but, but first.
- First.
- First let's thank
Carroll O'Connor
for being such a great guest.
(applause)
- Thank you very much
and I just like to say,
being on Laugh-In is
been an extinct pleasure.
- No, no you mean it's
been a distinct pleasure.
Extinct, means nonexistence.
- I know what I am saying.
- Well thank, you know we're
glad you've enjoyed yourself.
Especially since you're
coming back on next year's
Christmas show as Santa Claus.
- Santa Claus next
Christmas that's great.
- I'm jumping up and
down about it already.
- What makes you
think I'm going to do that?
- Well because I heard
you tell the bartender across
the street that you'd
never do Laugh-In again
unless you had a real bag on.
- Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight everybody,
merry Christmas.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Go like this and
say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Prancer
- Goodnight Dick.
(sliding whistle)
- Ten-Hut.
- Say goodnight
to what's his name.
- Goodnight what's his name.
- Goodnight.
- Right Martha W.
Colonel US Army retired.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Hey Dan baby.
- Yes.
- Do you know that
a fool and his money
are soon parted?
- Where did you get that saying?
- Some guy that
sold it to me for $40.
- Hey Dick baby.
- [Dick] Yeah.
- Did I tell you that my
girlfriend is so old fashion
she wears yesterday's
suspenders.
Did I tell you that?
- I understand that
Billy Graham is a real
hit on his last crusade.
Everybody in the audience
gave hims a kneeling ovation.
- Barbara.
- Poopie poopie.
- Who wrote snap,
crackle and Tarzan?
- Who?
- Edgar Rice Krispie.
- A guy I know just had
a big birthday celebration.
His girlfriend just turned 18.
- My nephew, a
terrible thing happened.
My nephew lost 32 teeth.
- Oh my heavens,
was he in a fight?
- No, he's a dental student
he misplaced his homework.
- Oh.
- Dan you know the hard
part of cleaning my fish tank
is getting the fish out.
- [Dan] Oh yeah.
- Yes maybe I
should use better bait.
- [Dan] Maybe.
- I know a guy who had a
heart, liver and lung transplant.
He's doing fine,
but his foot died.
- This program is prerecorded
so when it's time to record
it it will already be done.
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
(bounncing spring)
(a person clapping)