Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 13 - Episode #5.13 - full transcript
- Good evening ladies
and gentlemen and welcome
to Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
- And tonight's very special
guest, the sensational
football player and all-around
great guy, Mr. Joe Namath!
- Joe Namath!
- Hey, hey!
(applause)
- How are ya?
Hey, Joe, to make you
feel a little bit more at home,
we have a little
something for you.
- You think you could do a
little something for me too, huh?
- There ya go.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Ha ha.
- Woah, good boy.
- That's pretty good.
(laughter)
- There ya go, Joe. You're
looking a little rusty there.
- Are you kidding? I've
never been in better shape.
Why don't you two guys
go out for a long pass?
- Oh, a pass.
- Good idea.
- Over here, Joe!
- Long pass.
- Keep going, that's it.
- [Dan] Come on, Joe!
- A little bit more,
a little further.
That's it.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Joe
Namath's Laugh In.
(laughter and applause)
Welcome to Laugh In.
- I'd like to buy some
of the latest records.
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
- Would you like one
of our biggest hits?
- Yeah, sure.
(punch lands)
- You got it.
- Okay, okay Miss Wagner,
we don't like the way
this university's being
run and we are taking over!
- Shh!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(whispers) We don't like
the way this university's
being run and we're taking over.
- Petula Clark, baby.
Hey, listen, you know in England
weight is measured in stones.
How many stones would I weigh?
- You? Oh, just one.
- Just one?
- Yes. Gibraltar.
- My husband's missing.
- Could you describe him for me?
- Well, he's a good man.
- Well, nowadays, a
good man's hard to find.
- How.
You gonna keep
'em down on the farm
After they've seen Paris
- Mmm, I can see you're
a very bitter person.
- And now, at last.
Ah, my flower.
(slide whistle) (splashing)
- I'm sorry, sir, I
forgot to tell you,
the cellar is flooded again.
- Man overboard! Man overboard!
- Yes, sir.
(slide whistle) (splashing)
- Hey, good morning.
How are you, Miss Leneer?
- I'm fine. How are you, Dot?
- I'm doin' just fine.
- Hey, does that
cereal have a prize in it?
- Well, it ought to. Let's see.
Why, yeah, here it is.
Looks like a '59 Merc.
- I have to ask you,
just out of curiosity,
how old is Bert?
- I'm 10 years
older than she is.
- He's 39.
- That's amazing, you look
so much older on television.
- Oh, it's all done with makeup.
I don't look like that at all.
As a matter of fact, 'round NBC
the girls often mistake
me for Dean Martin.
- Well any girl that
thinks you're Dean Martin
is making the
mistake of her life.
- Oh, they're perfect.
I'll wear them home.
- Are you sure?
- Oh, of course I'm sure.
- Harriet, I see you've
taken up knitting.
- Yeah, a little something
to do in my leisure time.
- Oh. You get much leisure time?
- [Harriet] You'll
love the sleeves.
They're out in the driveway.
- There are three things a
young man should remember
when he goes out
on his first date.
Always dress neatly.
Be polite all evening.
And never let your date
see you inhaling the salad.
- Hey, Joe, here come the ducks.
- Yeah, boy, they sure
are grouped together.
- Yeah, looks like they're
carrying something.
- Can you make out what it is?
- It looks like a, er,
(projectile falling)
looks like a bomb!
(explosion)
(drum roll)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Odd Fellows Hall and
computer dating service,
NBC, the nifty bundle
of cash network,
now foolishly spends
some of that money
to present Rowan
& Martin's Laugh In,
starring the
invaluable Dan Rowan,
and, the devalued Dick Martin,
with guest star,
Broadway Joe Namath,
and Ruth Buzzy,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this question
for Indians who
sleep with porcupines.
How?
- You know, the California
earthquakes are blamed
on the San Andreas fault.
Here's something else
that'd shake you up,
and it's NBC's fault.
Dick and Dan.
(applause)
- Back, back.
- Gordon Reynolds.
- Back, back.
- Oh, thank you.
(growling offstage)
- Good heavens, what was that?
- I think it was a girl.
- No, no, I mean tall
thing swinging its tail.
- I think it was a girl.
- Not that.
That, on the other
end of that chain.
- Oh, that. That's Oliver.
(animal grunts)
- About Oliver's breath.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna take him back
to the pet store, though.
I think something's
wrong with him.
- Oh, he seems
perfectly okay to me.
I think he's taken
a liking to you.
- That's another reason
I'm taking him back.
- Maybe he's lonely.
Does he like other pets?
- Loves 'em.
He had two Pomeranians
and a Schnauzer for lunch.
- How 'bout his home? Did
you give him a bed of his own?
- Yeah, he ate that, too.
Now he's sleeping
in the laundry.
- How's he like that?
- Fine, he ate seven shirts
and the washing machine.
- That's terrible.
- Not only that,
the maid's missing.
Well, he certainly seems
to have a healthy appetite.
- Oh, he's healthy all right.
See how shiny his noses are?
- Are all those
things like that?
- No, some of 'em are vicious.
- Ah.
Well that's the most
frightening looking animal
I've ever seen.
I don't blame you
for taking him back.
- Yeah, I hate to do it, though.
I just taught him to do a trick.
- Well, how could you
teach him to do anything
without having him
bite your head off?
- That's the trick!
When he gets it
wrong, I punish him.
- You punish him.
How do you do that?
- Well, I give him a big
leg of lamb, you see.
- Well, I'd think
he'd like that.
- Not up his nose he doesn't.
- Well, look, if you take,
if you take Oliver back,
will you get another
pet, do you think?
- Yeah, I'm getting
an Arabian pilot fly.
- What's an Arabian pilot fly?
- Well, usually an oriental rug.
- Oh.
- Ah!
- Well, while Dick
explains old jokes to Oliver,
why don't we go to the quickies?
Ooh, that is a
foul-smelling animal.
- You can't imagine
how surprised I
was when I found out
I was asked here
to accept an award.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- I don't even have to go
in the army. I've got flat feet.
- Hmm, well don't get
your hopes up. He passed.
- Look at your nails.
(birds chirping)
- What are you doing?
- Oh, last month I
planted some bird seed,
and look at my crop.
- Come on, men, tonight
I want you to get out there
and really fight.
Fight. Get up, wait, wait.
(punch lands)
And this is for you.
Broadway
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- The manager
says you don't like
the color of your apartment.
- No, I don't. I'd like
to see a lighter color.
- Okay.
- Excuse me, ma'am,
did you have the duck?
- Yes, I did.
- Well, here's your bill.
- Smith, I am giving you F on
your final exam for cheating.
You had the answers written
on the inside of your clothing.
- How can you say that?
- Because the capital of
Indiana is not Fruit of the Loom.
- I won't see you
tonight then, will I?
- No, Thursday.
(wind howls) (phone ringing)
- Hello, Pete Smith
Dancing School.
- Petula, your first
big hit was Downtown,
a song about how
great it is to be in the city.
- That's right, and do you
know, I made enough money
from that one record to be
able to move to the country?
- [Johnny] I hope we
didn't hurt ya, Joe baby.
- [Richard] Sorry, Mr. Namath,
we'll slip ya under a rug.
(pounding)
- [Woman] Hey! Could you
keep the racket down in there?
(pounding)
- Well, how'd ya
like the quickies?
- I didn't see 'em. I was
putting Oliver in the car.
- You put that beast in
your car? You're crazy.
Aren't you afraid what
he's gonna do to it?
- Nah.
- How come?
- Well, I put him in your car.
(growling) Ah!
- Get him outta there.
- He just ate the front seat.
- Here is a tip for all of you
who would like to be singers.
Never gargle with
a mouth full of flour.
- Joe Namath, baby. Hey,
you're in a lot of fast games.
When do you move your quickest?
- Well, when I find
out the girl's lied to me
about not being married.
- Like this.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
And you know
what? I don't want to.
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
And I could rock this chair
off the porch if I wanted to.
- Why do, uh...
- Just a moment.
- What?
- Let Charo do it.
She reads very well.
- That is my bad.
Why do people always
mistake me for Raquel Welch?
- For Raquel Welch.
- Oh, give me two good reasons.
- Two good reasons.
- Two good reasons.
- I didn't know Joseph
Natale became a waiter.
- Yes, he gave up
his act with the circus.
- Mmm, well after
all those years,
he finally got the
circus out of his blood.
- Right.
(silly music)
(indistinct conversation)
- Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Because he was a chicken.
(musical flourish)
(indistinct conversation)
- Okay, now it's coming another.
- Okay.
- D'you know...
- Jew? What'd she say?
- "You know."
- Juno. Okay.
- Thank you.
- No, "you know."
- Gracias.
D'you know...
- Grenada. (rim shot)
- Ten matadors.
- Ten matadors.
- The bull fighter,
could not kill Laugh In.
- Why not?
- There is just
too much bull in it.
- Democratic
National Convention,
cue the National Guard.
- A mother's heart,
the mind does wander
to mother's love
both dear and true.
As absence makes
the heart grow fonder,
we dear mother
grow fonder of you,
for your sweet smile
which means so much
(sobs)
much gives us such joy.
There is no other
than the tender arms
and gentle judge of you.
(sobs)
The whole world's dearest
mother. Oh, it's so true.
(sobs)
Oh, my boy.
- Oh, oh that Joe Namath,
what a romantic figure.
I wonder what it would
be like married to him?
Oh, just think.
Mrs. Broadway, oh.
Ra-ta-dee-da.
(dreamy music) (snores)
Oh, Joe, you never talk to me.
There's always a bunch
of girls in the apartment.
- Look, I can't talk to ya now.
There's a bunch of
girls in the apartment.
- But Joe, why did you
have to bring 'em here?
- Where do you want me to
keep 'em? In the locker room?
- You know, I've made up
my mind. Either they go or I go.
- And don't you think I'm
not gonna miss you, either.
- So that's it.
Well you just tell me one
thing that those girls have got
that I haven't got.
- Hmm, one thing, me.
- There is one great advantage.
- Advantage.
- Advantage.
To living in Spain rather
than the United States.
- What?
- Why, Laugh In
is no shown there.
- Boy, she's really like...
(musical flourish)
- Hussy!
- Do you see that worm?
- Well, I sure do. Ain't
that a cute little feller?
- I don't want that apple.
- Well, all right.
Here's your worm.
That'll be 10 cents.
I don't know if I shoulda
rung that up on meat or pets.
- Ah.
Mrs. Johnson, I thought
you were your daughter.
- Come on, are you
all talk or action?
- You know this is the 17th time
I've volunteered for the army,
but every time I come
down here they reject me.
- Why do you keep coming back?
- I just love taking
the physical.
- Over the years, we've
done a lot of Mod Worlds.
Tonight it's gonna be all
about the mod world of leisure.
By the sea, by the
sea, by the beautiful sea
- Well, all right, all right.
What's all this about?
- Well, I'm gonna swim to Hawaii
and make a name for myself.
- Well, I've got the
name. El Stupido.
- El Stupido.
- How does that sound to ya?
- Well, it doesn't sound bad.
- You don't even
know how to swim.
- I am so.
- You am?
- Sure, I learned yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Sure.
- You can't learn
to swim in one day.
- You can if you put
a shark in the pool.
- Yeah, that oughta do it.
- Hey, two more sharks
and I coulda run to Hawaii.
- Hawaii is over
2,500 miles away.
Now how are you
gonna swim that far?
- Well, I have mastered
an old Italian stroke.
- What's an old Italian stroke?
- Well, if he's lucky,
a young Italian.
- Even if you get out there,
the ocean's full of sharks.
Now, how are you
gonna protect yourself?
- I build a fire.
- You build a fire. How you
gonna build a fire in the ocean?
- Fire water.
- What's with the
pail and the shovel?
- Well, it's so I'll have
something to do when I get there.
I can play in the sand, you see.
- Oh, of course.
You ever think about food?
What are you gonna eat out there?
- I had no idea it
was dinner time.
I'll have a hamburger,
french fries, and a soft drink.
- Well, while he's
placing his order, folks,
gettin' ready to
play in the sand,
why don't we just serve
up the mod world of leisure?
- Bon voyage everybody.
- Bon voyage.
By the sea, by the
sea, by the beautiful sea
- Well, you better get started.
- You sing harmony.
- They might move it.
When you're stuck
with several days off
Move out where
the leisure pays off
Leave care and
despair outta reach
Find a cute cabana
on a beautiful beach
Splashing with a
son and daughter
Crashing by the sky blue water
Far from all the
hub-bub and screech
Betta you'll feel better
on a beautiful beach
Sunrise and sunset
and stuff in between
All are a part of
the beautiful scene
Swimmin' and floatin',
no feathers and fuss
Ain't it the age of the Aquarius
When you plan your next vacation
Seashore gets my nomination
Salt air and a
beach full of sand
Mermaids both terrific and tan
There is plenty of each
by the beautiful beach
With the work week gettin' short
Better find a good resort
Grab the girl that you adore
Drag her to the local shore
Weekends are lasting seven days
What's the
country's latest craze
Find a cute cabana
on a beautiful beach
Lifeguards will pull
you right outta the surf
Rip tides will rip ya
for alla your worth
Beach boys on surf
boards are catching the girls
Think I should
mention the bathin' girls
Some guys dig the
snow-capped mountains
Some dolls dig the
romance fountain
Some folks like
to skate and to ski
Some folks like a pad in Paris
When you're pickin' out
each try a beautiful beach
Remember Esther Williams
Find a cute cabana on a
great big beautiful beach
Last one in's a
rotten egg Splash
- Every time you
get some free time
you always do what you wanna do.
You watch football
and you lie on the couch.
Well today, I wanna go out.
Oh.
Oh.
Aw.
- (laughs) You know, I'm in
favor of a four-day work week.
It'll give me a chance to
go out and get a second job.
- You know, Dick.
- Huh?
- I live all year for the
opening of duck season.
Well, we don't have
to wait long now.
- Yeah. When do
we start shootin'?
- Only three more weeks.
- Honey, this is just great.
Oh, our first cruise on our
own boat, the Little Beauty.
- Yes, she is a
little beauty, too.
Well, let's see if we got
everything before we shove off.
Radio equipment, all
the navigational aids,
safety devices,
dinghy, the radar.
(whistles) Boy that
stuff's expensive.
- Mm-hmm.
- That reminds me of
the only thing we forgot.
- What's that?
- The For Sale sign.
(silly music)
- Boy, honey,
this is really great.
Don't you just love doing
nothing all weekend?
- I have lots of leisure time.
I'm on the government payroll.
- Civil service?
- No, unemployment compensation.
- Good for you.
- Just think, Bronco,
after 20 years
no more playing
football for a living.
- Yeah, I know how
ya feel there, Jose.
Just great to relax,
ya know what I mean?
No more of that one
hut, two hut, three hut.
- Hike.
(splashes)
- Nice runnin'
into ya like this.
What do you do in
your leisure time?
- Er, mostly brain surgery.
- Oh honey, come on.
I've never seen anyone
take so long to decide
what to do on a
two-week vacation.
- I only get it once a year.
I need a little time
to think where to go.
- Well you better decide fast.
You go back to work tomorrow.
- Hey Joe, ya know what
I'm gonna do next season?
- No, what?
- I'm gonna take up sky diving.
- Why?
- I'm gonna get those ducks
in a hand-to-hand combat.
- Going camping used to mean
a few days of peace and quiet.
Now when you try
to get away from it all
it all goes with you.
(birds chirping)
- Hey! Hey.
- Hey, ho.
- Don't you just
love it out here?
Roughing it in the
great outdoors?
- Yes, every once
in a while you just
have to get away from
the crowds in the city.
- Wait a minute, that's
some great tent ya got there.
- Yeah, well, we got
a real good deal on it.
- Huh?
- Yeah, it's got a living
room, a den, a TV room,
central air conditioning,
and three baths.
- Three baths.
- Hey! How's everybody?
- You should see
the second floor.
Right now we've got it rented
out to keep up the payments.
- Uh-huh, yep.
- Hey, I got an idea.
- What?
- How 'bout we're picking up
some Chateaubriand for dinner
and we'll eat in?
- Oh!
- Sounds great.
- Hey, why don't we go
to the Francois restaurant
right in the field, you know,
where the lake used to be?
- The lake, yeah.
- Wait a minute, we'd love to.
But we've got a real big
day planned tomorrow.
- Oh, you have?
Where are you going?
- Well, I have
reservations for a spot
on the side of the mountain.
- Well, hey, that's great.
We were up there
yesterday about four o'clock.
- Yeah.
- About four o'clock
it actually cleared off
and we were able to see a tree.
- Oh, good. Hi, how
ya doin'? How ya doin'?
We saw a tree last year.
Yeah, what I was
hoping, maybe see a rock
so we could show the kids.
- A rock.
- In fact, come on over.
We have a very
special evening planned.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, very
special, very special.
- What are we gonna do?
- Well, we're having
a few people over
to see slides of our
house in the city.
- Dick, do you realize
that there are some fools
that get up this early in
the morning just to play golf?
- You're right. There's a
couple playing through now.
- Cheer up, darlin', our
vacation's coming up soon.
We should really decide
where we wanna go.
I'd like to go to the mountains.
- Well I wanna go to the beach.
- Hey, that's great.
I'll go to the mountains,
you go to the beach.
- Well that was our look
at the mod world of leisure.
Now we'd like... - Whew!
- What happened to
you, oh mighty swimmer?
- Well, I came
close to drowning.
- How far did you get?
- Almost made it
to the back door.
- To the back door?
- Yup.
Then I ran into
the water cooler.
Some dolls like a week in Venice
Some guys like a game of tennis
Some folks dig a
dog sled in Gnome
Some slobs even wanna stay home
Once more into the breach
Try a beautiful beach
Surf's up (applause)
- I have to keep my body
in top physical condition.
A lot of people depend on it,
not to mention my teammates.
- Let's go ahead now.
- Give me more opportunity
because I want to
prove that my English...
- This is gonna be a good one.
- Take your time.
- The easiest transplant,
Dr. Christian
Bernard is a heart doc
and a known
Vaudeville performer.
Bernard just sat
back and relaxed
while the guy stood
on the operating table
and sang his heart out.
- He sang his heart out.
- (smooches) Okay.
(silly music)
- No matter how
successful I get,
you'll never find
me walking around
with my head in the clouds.
- Hey, Petula, does
London have much problem
with air pollution?
- I don't know. The fog's
so thick it's hard to tell.
- The doctor over
there said I was crazy.
- There's no doctor over there.
- Well don't tell me, tell
the doctor over there.
- I know a guy who was
so stupid, oh my goodness,
I like that.
Oh, no, no.
I know a guy who was so stupid,
he tried to get a job as
a lifeguard in a carpool.
Chi chi chi chi!
- As a lifeguard in a carpool.
- But you don't do the
chi-chi-chi-chi afterward.
- No.
- That's the fun of it.
- Oh, Bernie, this
is so romantic.
It's just like in the movies.
- [Man With Camera] Action.
- Just before I
came to California,
I heard somebody say,
God save the queen.
- Oh, were you in England?
- No, I was at a church
service at Fire Island.
- Oh ho ho.
- How are you today, Mrs. Crowl?
- I'm just fine,
how are you, Dot?
- I'm doing good.
Now let's see, that's one
head of iceberg lettuce.
That's 15 cents.
- Uh, may I have
it in a bag, please?
- You sure can.
If I can just get
a hold of it here.
See now,
that'll be one bag, 3.95.
- Permission to put on me
Carmen Miranda outfit, sir.
- Joe, are you
really a lady killer?
- Yes, I am.
- Well I'm here
to commit suicide.
Little Orphan Annie
is a clever little girl
Button eye and counter
dress and hair of reddish curl
With a dog named Sandy
she can brighten up the day
Listen very carefully
to what she has to say
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
youse We just love
To give you our news
La-da-di-da Grown-ups and kids
Annie looks at the news
With Dan and Dick, arf, arf
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh In News
with Raymond Burr in a chair,
Rod Taylor loaded for bear,
Anthony Quinn, he's our mayor,
and George Kennedy
without a prayer.
- And now, here's Dick
with the present news.
- This year, Truman
Capote found the solution
to the unemployment problem
by combining two jobs in one,
mailman and Avon lady.
(laughter)
- [Dan] Keeps his
appointed tasks.
- True.
The FBI announced today
the publication of a new book,
Everything J. Edgar Hoover
Has Wanted to Know About You
and Has Not Been Afraid to Ask.
Last month a special
committee was formed in Detroit
to discover why automobile
repair costs were so high.
- [Dan] Why were they?
- Well, so far the committee's
investigation has cost
10,000 for parts
and 90,000 for labor.
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Future news, you've been
taking elocution lessons.
- [Dick] So have I.
- All right, Chicago,
20 years from now,
with the continued refusal
of the federal government
to provide free lunches
for parochial schools,
the Cardinal today took
drastic action when he directed
that one student each
week bring to school
two loaves and five fishes.
(laughter)
News of the future
20 years from now,
six soldiers were to be
decorated today in ceremonies
celebrating the first anniversary
of the volunteer army.
However, the ceremony
had to be cancelled because
when their commanding
officer asked for six volunteers,
none of the volunteers
in the volunteer army
would voluntarily volunteer.
- That's pretty good.
- Oh, you liked that one, yes.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
90-year-old singer Frank
Sinatra came out of retirement
to give a special concert
at the Hollywood Bowl.
He delighted the audience
with such classics as,
"I've Got You
Under my Wrinkles,"
"Old at Heart,"
"Wheezers in the Night,"
and "I Still Do It My Way."
- Hi.
Busy Buzzy here in
Tinsel Town bringing you
the front page
on the back stage.
And here's the latest
on the biggest brush fire
in Hollywood history.
Although there were no injuries,
25 acres of land were burned.
Authorities claim the fire was
not due to a careless smoker,
but merely the result of
Mama Cass burning her bra.
That's it for now.
This is Busy Buzzy saying
bye bye and kissy, kissy.
Oh, burning her bra.
- Laugh In's news of the
past takes us back to 1929,
the year of the
stock market crash.
- Extry, extry, read all about
it! The stock market crashes!
Extry!
- Hey, hold it. What's that?
- The stock market just crashed.
Everyone's been
wiped out, ruined.
- Oh, well not everybody.
You see, I, er, I just sold
all my stocks yesterday
for five million.
The stock market crash
won't hurt me. I'm safe.
- Oh.
The money.
- And keep the change. Okay?
- [Paper Girl] Extry!
- Now to our reporter
in the Sahara Desert.
- Here we are in
the Sahara Desert
talking with a leading
archaeological authority
about the ancient
Egyptian pyramids.
Tell me, why do pyramids
have a point at the top?
- Because if they had
the point at the bottom,
they would fall over.
- Yes.
Oh yes, thank you.
Over. Thank you.
Now back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now for Kid News for Kids,
here's Moosy Drier in a
treehouse somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosy here with
Kid News for Kids.
Boy, I'm so excited, I
can't wait for Christmas Eve
to see Santa Claus
come down the chimney
and bring presents for everybody
because Santa Claus
is the best person
in the whole, wide world.
I can just see him now in
his boots and his big, red suit
and his long, white beard.
Boy I hope my daddy puts
his beard on straight this year.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now we switch
you to our man in Africa.
- Chief, I understand
that your tribe
recently switched over
from blow guns to these rifles.
Now how are you doing with them?
- Mmm, not too good. We
can't seem to hit anything.
- Well, why not?
- I don't know.
Watch, I'll try and hit
that tree over there.
- Now here's Eric Clarified
to explain the
wage price freeze.
- The wage price freeze
is a technique designed
to keep prices
from rising so that
people won't need more
wages to pay the prices
because if people
get more wages,
then those companies will
have to raise their prices.
They hope that all this will
cut down unemployment,
but if everybody is
unemployed, then their wages
are frozen at nothing and
so prices wouldn't go up.
So the answer to the
problem is full unemployment,
and your uncle wears garters.
- Oh, like the birds in spring.
Hi, Big Al here talking to
Mr. Quarterback, himself,
New York Jets
Mr. Broadway Joe Namath.
- Hi Big Al.
- Oh, say Broadway Joe,
you have a very unusual name.
I mean, I understand the Joe
part, but what's the Broadway?
- Oh, usually about 115 pounds.
- Funny, funny.
Oh, you've been in
the game a long time.
Aren't ya gonna miss the
speed and the excitement
and the physical contact when
your playing days are over?
- I certainly will. And I'll
miss playing football, too.
(blows whistle)
- I'm taking you out tonight.
- And that's the way
it is, New Year's Day,
September 28th, 1927.
La-da-di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Oh, oh, oh
(applause)
- A woman's body is
like a car in the winter.
If you don't get it going
every once in a while,
it'll freeze up on you.
- Many people wonder
where I come from.
Yes, well, you can tell
that from my accent,
Alabama.
- Alabama!
I'm Alabama bound.
- All right.
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
A gracious good afternoon.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Is this Premier Alexei
Kosygin of the USS of R?
Good, this is Miss
Ernestine Tomlin of the AT&T.
(snorts)
No, no, that's not a country.
No, no, we're much
bigger than that.
We're the telephone company.
Yes, and we just want
to be sure that the line
from the White House
to the Kremlin is working.
What?
Oh, it's not working on you.
(snorts) Oh! Oh, premier.
I bet around the Kremlin
you're just the life of the party.
A little phone
company levity there.
Now, pardon me?
Yes, I do know quite
a bit about Russia.
What do I think of
Lenin and Marx?
Well, John Lennon's a little
dull but Groucho's hysterical.
Hello?
Hello?
- Petula, you look great.
- Yeah, how do you maintain
such a beautiful appearance?
- Oh, well, I always
avoid late hours,
I stay away from
fattening foods,
and I never, ever wash
my hair in turnip grease.
- Bert, I want you
to tell me one thing.
Why did the desk clerk
look at you and say,
do you want the usual?
- Who cares? Kiss me.
- What did that last
doctor say to you?
- Hi sailor, new in town?
- Dot, this is quite heavy.
Do you think you
could get someone
to help me get it out to my car?
- Well, lord, Mrs. Van de
Gell, I'll be glad to help you.
Where is your car?
- It's the Bentley
right out in front.
- Here we go.
(slide whistle) (crashes)
- Hey Joe, you've
been in a lot of action.
What's the worst
you were ever hurt?
- Well, one time during a huddle
one of my teammates
said I had bad breath.
- How rude.
- Yeah.
- I didn't even know her name.
- Well, come on, Joe,
let's go to the party.
Maybe you can find her.
(groovy music)
Hey, Johnny, hey during the war,
weren't you with
the 22nd battalion?
- Are you kidding? During the
war, I was the 22nd battalion.
- Our club wanted to do
something to help the poor
feed themselves, so
we raised some money
and sent them a set
of sterling silverware.
- I went to see Jesus Christ
Superstar the other night
and it was sold out.
As a matter of fact, it
was kneeling room only.
- Dick, what would
we possibly do
on your yacht for two weeks?
- Well, actually in a yacht,
it's kind of a houseboat,
but if we get bored
after a few days,
we'll take it down to the
ocean and put it in the water.
- I had a blind date last
week with a roller derby queen.
- Ooh! (giggles)
How was it?
- Well I've seen better dancers,
but boy could that guy skate.
- Among my colleagues I'm
known as a very humble man
and I don't mind telling
you, I'm very proud of it.
- I knew our marriage
was off to a bad start
when Richard asked for
the evening out with the boys
on our wedding night.
- You know, the East
Germans are relaxing
their rigid stance,
now, at the Berlin Wall.
They're allowing the refugees
a hundred yard head start
before they start firing.
- Oh, the economy's so bad,
I've been sharing office space
with a psychiatrist.
We put up a sign, Odds and Ends.
- You know, my assistant and
I took some great action shots
at the football game yesterday.
- Oh, what did
your assistant do?
- Well, he pulled the blankets
off the couples in the stands.
- Tell me, Hiawatha,
why do Indians sit
on the side of the road to
sell blankets and beads?
- Well, pale face, if you
sit in middle of the road,
you're gonna get hit by a truck.
- Joe, I understand you were
recently injured while playing.
How did it happen?
- Well, I was gaining
ground when I was trying
to make a tackle, when I
suddenly tripped over her couch.
- And now, Ian Bernard
and the orchestra
with a medley of one,
including Stardust.
- Well, it's time once
again for America's
newest fun show for senior
citizens, The Aging Game,
where three swinging
bachelors compete
for the affections
of a lovely lady.
And here she is, a
former Miss United States,
from Wickety-Quop,
Connecticut, Maude Farnsworthy!
Come on in, Maude.
All right.
Got her?
There we go.
There, now.
Now we got her.
Now, Maude, let's introduce
you to your three suitors.
Number one is
Henry L. Fahrquardt,
who enjoys checkers, warm
milk, and taking his own pulse.
Widower number two, Finley
G. Abernathy, who loves
sitting down a lot, wearing
torn sweaters, and waving.
Number three is
Chester B. Plumberry, Jr.,
whose hobby is waking
up in the morning.
(applause)
Okay, Maude, proceed
with the questions.
- Okay, sonny.
Now let's see, now,
number one, on our first date,
would you like to go dancing?
- What? What's that you say?
- Would ya like to go dancin'?
- What?
- Would you like to go dancing?
- Uh-oh, watch it lady.
Number two is a sissy.
- Well, in that
case, number three,
are you impressed that I was
once a Miss United States?
- Maybe yes and maybe no.
- [Maude] Well, what do ya mean?
- Well, when you won, how
many states were there?
(buzzer)
- Sorry, panel, your time is up.
- Oh, don't say that, I've
never felt better in my life.
- Well, Maude, who's
going to accompany you
on your glorious,
fun-filled week in Hawaii?
Will it be number one,
number two,
or number three?
- Have ya got a number four?
- No, Maude.
- Well, in that case,
I'll just take all three.
- Oh, they all sound so nice,
you can't make up your mind.
- Oh, no, they all
sound so feeble,
I just can't take any chances.
Come on, fellas, let's swing.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Petula, can you tell me,
where are the stars of
tomorrow coming from?
- No, but after
being on this show,
I can tell you where
they're not coming from.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Remember, television
is an educational medium.
It can learn you a
whole lot of stuff.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(kazoo music)
(electricity buzzes)
- There's the
Wilbur Mills cocktail,
one drink and you see a
second spot before your eyes.
- There's the Eddie R.
Carroll cocktail, no matter
how many you drink, you
can only get a little high.
- After you.
- No, after you.
- No, after you.
- Uh, after you.
- Don't order me around.
(punch lands)
You asked for it.
- Here are the
latest hardball scores
from around the country.
Minnesota 9-5-2, and
a shutout for Aspardley.
Miami 4-2-6-7 and
a line sprint zurn
for a three-bag goal.
- Doctor, am I too
heavy to get in the army?
- Why no, boy, I think
we can find a spot for you
in the tank corps.
Put a Howitzer in that navel,
we can take you anywhere.
- Finally.
- Joe, you don't
mind if I call ya Joe?
- No, no, it's
all right. It's fine.
- Mr. Namath, sir, in
British football, or soccer,
you know, 'cause they call it,
the players are not allowed
to use their hands at all.
- Oh, wow, that would
not only kill my career,
but most of my social life, too.
- I like to do Laugh In show
because with the joke, the joke,
yeah, joke.
- Yes.
- They give me,
it doesn't matter
whether I speak
good English or not.
- Hey, my little dimple,
are these eggs fresh?
- Well, let's see.
I believe they are.
Yeah, this looks
mighty fresh to me.
Looks like there's a
little spot in this'un.
- I think I'll get donuts.
- A dozen eggs,
that'll be 79 cents.
You forgot your eggs!
Here ya go!
- I taught my turtle
to play the piano.
- That's amazing.
- What's so amazing?
His best time for the
Minute Waltz is three days.
- You can't take me in the army,
I have a letter here
from my doctor.
I'm sure it'll keep me out.
- All right, well let me see it.
"My darling Phil, I'm sitting
here looking at your picture
"and longing to cast my eyes
"on your beautiful
face once more."
Yuck. Okay, you're out. Go.
Next. Stand there.
Well, what is it?
- I'm Phil.
- Well, there's no masquerade
party at this place at all.
- Who cares? Kiss me.
- You know, sometimes
we forget, but even our
most famous political
figures were once children.
- Well, your little boy,
William F., is at it again,
Mrs. Buckley.
This morning we caught
him writing four-syllable words
on the classroom wall.
- Now for arithmetic.
Now who knows the
sum of two and two?
That's right Dickie
Nixon, it's four.
- Where's little Spiro?
Very nice.
- Oh honey, guess what?
- What? What?
- Our little baby, Hubert
Horatio Humphrey
started talking this morning.
- I'm as pleased as
punch. What did he say?
- Oh come on and listen.
He hasn't stopped yet.
- Petula, you're
quiet everywhere,
what's the most
enthusiastic response
you've ever gotten from a crowd?
- One evening when I
was singing in the shower
and forgot to
lock the front door.
- This show reminds
me of Saturday night
in the chicken coop.
They keep laying
one egg after another.
And it's boring.
- Go ahead, Charo,
you'll love this one.
- Oh, that is a very
good instrument.
- The guitar, right.
- I, to use in a
nightclub. That's true.
It is sweet. It is melodic.
And if you have a
rooch grout? What is it?
- Rough crowd.
- No, no, no, if you
have a rough crowd.
- What is a bimble?
- Like a thimble, yeah.
- Boom, boom, boom.
- Oh? A boom, boom, boom, boom?
- No, no, that's
not a rough crowd.
- Okay, ah.
- If you have a rough crowd.
- But what is it?
- It's bad.
- B, bad.
- Oh, okay, you
can use it as a glove.
- Jew can use it as a glove.
- I think it would've worked
better without the pause.
I think you did very well.
- I didn't know. I
think that's beautiful.
- I don't think so
because my ambition
is to talk like a Chekhov Spiry.
- Like who?
- Chekhov Spiry.
- Chekhov Spiry.
- Yeah.
William Shakespeary.
- One day I make it.
- One day you'll talk
just like Chekhov Spiry.
- You're that far from
Shakespeare right now.
- Thank you.
- Okay, now hold still.
- Wait a minute.
What's that for?
- It's just a pain killer,
so that you won't
feel this one so much.
- Susan, I think I'm in love.
- My name is not Susan.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- But first, a word of
advice for one of our
military leaders,
General Custer.
- General George Custer.
- General Custer, tomorrow
stay away from
the Little Big Horn.
There's a very nasty Indian
up there named Sitting Dog.
- That's Bull.
- No, I swear it's the truth.
- The Indian's name
was Sitting Bull,
and a century ago he wiped
out Custer's entire force
at Little Big Horn.
- Well don't blame me. I told
him not to go near the place.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(applause)
- Goodnight,
Dick. (slide whistle)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (sobs)
- Goodnight, Dick. (snorts)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Betty.
Goodnight, Brenda. Brenda.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Anne.
Barbara.
Lu.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(pig squeals)
- Goodnight, ladies, everybody,
Dick, Dan, John, Paul.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, goodnight.
- Buena nocha, Ricardo. Woo.
- What Charo said
was, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Dean Martin is just
as relaxed as I am
only he feels it
the next morning.
- Hey Dick?
- Yes?
- You know, there's one guy
who deserves all the credit
for bringing the 1972 Democratic
Convention to Miami Beach.
- Who's that, John?
- Mayor Richard Daley.
- Annie?
- What, what, what Dennis?
- You know, I understand
the shortage of doctors
is getting critical.
- Yes, Dennis, I don't
know what the single nurses
are gonna do.
- Lily?
- Yes?
- What can I do to get rid of
the flies around my house?
- Take a bath.
- [Dick] Take a bath!
- And call me in the morning.
Talking of hospitals, boy.
- [Dan] Yes?
- They are so crowded nowadays,
the best you can hope for,
in a hospital... - [Dan] Yes?
- Is to get a semi-private bed.
And call me in the morning.
- Take two.
Hey listen, I know somebody
who's really got a skin problem.
- [Dick] Oh?
- He's black and
lives in Alabama.
- [Dick] That's a problem.
- Barbara?
Tell me, Barbara.
- Yes?
- Tell me, how do
you fix frogs' legs?
- With teeny, weeny splints.
- If you ever find
a beautiful girl
in the backseat of your car,
there are two
things to remember.
The second is, don't
give her your right name.
- This announcement
is to inform you
that this program
was pre-recorded,
therefore storming the
station will be a waste of time.
(punches land)
(clippers snip)
(dog barks)
(kazoo music)
(one person clapping)
and gentlemen and welcome
to Rowan & Martin's Laugh In.
- And tonight's very special
guest, the sensational
football player and all-around
great guy, Mr. Joe Namath!
- Joe Namath!
- Hey, hey!
(applause)
- How are ya?
Hey, Joe, to make you
feel a little bit more at home,
we have a little
something for you.
- You think you could do a
little something for me too, huh?
- There ya go.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Ha ha.
- Woah, good boy.
- That's pretty good.
(laughter)
- There ya go, Joe. You're
looking a little rusty there.
- Are you kidding? I've
never been in better shape.
Why don't you two guys
go out for a long pass?
- Oh, a pass.
- Good idea.
- Over here, Joe!
- Long pass.
- Keep going, that's it.
- [Dan] Come on, Joe!
- A little bit more,
a little further.
That's it.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Joe
Namath's Laugh In.
(laughter and applause)
Welcome to Laugh In.
- I'd like to buy some
of the latest records.
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
- Would you like one
of our biggest hits?
- Yeah, sure.
(punch lands)
- You got it.
- Okay, okay Miss Wagner,
we don't like the way
this university's being
run and we are taking over!
- Shh!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(whispers) We don't like
the way this university's
being run and we're taking over.
- Petula Clark, baby.
Hey, listen, you know in England
weight is measured in stones.
How many stones would I weigh?
- You? Oh, just one.
- Just one?
- Yes. Gibraltar.
- My husband's missing.
- Could you describe him for me?
- Well, he's a good man.
- Well, nowadays, a
good man's hard to find.
- How.
You gonna keep
'em down on the farm
After they've seen Paris
- Mmm, I can see you're
a very bitter person.
- And now, at last.
Ah, my flower.
(slide whistle) (splashing)
- I'm sorry, sir, I
forgot to tell you,
the cellar is flooded again.
- Man overboard! Man overboard!
- Yes, sir.
(slide whistle) (splashing)
- Hey, good morning.
How are you, Miss Leneer?
- I'm fine. How are you, Dot?
- I'm doin' just fine.
- Hey, does that
cereal have a prize in it?
- Well, it ought to. Let's see.
Why, yeah, here it is.
Looks like a '59 Merc.
- I have to ask you,
just out of curiosity,
how old is Bert?
- I'm 10 years
older than she is.
- He's 39.
- That's amazing, you look
so much older on television.
- Oh, it's all done with makeup.
I don't look like that at all.
As a matter of fact, 'round NBC
the girls often mistake
me for Dean Martin.
- Well any girl that
thinks you're Dean Martin
is making the
mistake of her life.
- Oh, they're perfect.
I'll wear them home.
- Are you sure?
- Oh, of course I'm sure.
- Harriet, I see you've
taken up knitting.
- Yeah, a little something
to do in my leisure time.
- Oh. You get much leisure time?
- [Harriet] You'll
love the sleeves.
They're out in the driveway.
- There are three things a
young man should remember
when he goes out
on his first date.
Always dress neatly.
Be polite all evening.
And never let your date
see you inhaling the salad.
- Hey, Joe, here come the ducks.
- Yeah, boy, they sure
are grouped together.
- Yeah, looks like they're
carrying something.
- Can you make out what it is?
- It looks like a, er,
(projectile falling)
looks like a bomb!
(explosion)
(drum roll)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Odd Fellows Hall and
computer dating service,
NBC, the nifty bundle
of cash network,
now foolishly spends
some of that money
to present Rowan
& Martin's Laugh In,
starring the
invaluable Dan Rowan,
and, the devalued Dick Martin,
with guest star,
Broadway Joe Namath,
and Ruth Buzzy,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
with Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this question
for Indians who
sleep with porcupines.
How?
- You know, the California
earthquakes are blamed
on the San Andreas fault.
Here's something else
that'd shake you up,
and it's NBC's fault.
Dick and Dan.
(applause)
- Back, back.
- Gordon Reynolds.
- Back, back.
- Oh, thank you.
(growling offstage)
- Good heavens, what was that?
- I think it was a girl.
- No, no, I mean tall
thing swinging its tail.
- I think it was a girl.
- Not that.
That, on the other
end of that chain.
- Oh, that. That's Oliver.
(animal grunts)
- About Oliver's breath.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna take him back
to the pet store, though.
I think something's
wrong with him.
- Oh, he seems
perfectly okay to me.
I think he's taken
a liking to you.
- That's another reason
I'm taking him back.
- Maybe he's lonely.
Does he like other pets?
- Loves 'em.
He had two Pomeranians
and a Schnauzer for lunch.
- How 'bout his home? Did
you give him a bed of his own?
- Yeah, he ate that, too.
Now he's sleeping
in the laundry.
- How's he like that?
- Fine, he ate seven shirts
and the washing machine.
- That's terrible.
- Not only that,
the maid's missing.
Well, he certainly seems
to have a healthy appetite.
- Oh, he's healthy all right.
See how shiny his noses are?
- Are all those
things like that?
- No, some of 'em are vicious.
- Ah.
Well that's the most
frightening looking animal
I've ever seen.
I don't blame you
for taking him back.
- Yeah, I hate to do it, though.
I just taught him to do a trick.
- Well, how could you
teach him to do anything
without having him
bite your head off?
- That's the trick!
When he gets it
wrong, I punish him.
- You punish him.
How do you do that?
- Well, I give him a big
leg of lamb, you see.
- Well, I'd think
he'd like that.
- Not up his nose he doesn't.
- Well, look, if you take,
if you take Oliver back,
will you get another
pet, do you think?
- Yeah, I'm getting
an Arabian pilot fly.
- What's an Arabian pilot fly?
- Well, usually an oriental rug.
- Oh.
- Ah!
- Well, while Dick
explains old jokes to Oliver,
why don't we go to the quickies?
Ooh, that is a
foul-smelling animal.
- You can't imagine
how surprised I
was when I found out
I was asked here
to accept an award.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
- I don't even have to go
in the army. I've got flat feet.
- Hmm, well don't get
your hopes up. He passed.
- Look at your nails.
(birds chirping)
- What are you doing?
- Oh, last month I
planted some bird seed,
and look at my crop.
- Come on, men, tonight
I want you to get out there
and really fight.
Fight. Get up, wait, wait.
(punch lands)
And this is for you.
Broadway
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- The manager
says you don't like
the color of your apartment.
- No, I don't. I'd like
to see a lighter color.
- Okay.
- Excuse me, ma'am,
did you have the duck?
- Yes, I did.
- Well, here's your bill.
- Smith, I am giving you F on
your final exam for cheating.
You had the answers written
on the inside of your clothing.
- How can you say that?
- Because the capital of
Indiana is not Fruit of the Loom.
- I won't see you
tonight then, will I?
- No, Thursday.
(wind howls) (phone ringing)
- Hello, Pete Smith
Dancing School.
- Petula, your first
big hit was Downtown,
a song about how
great it is to be in the city.
- That's right, and do you
know, I made enough money
from that one record to be
able to move to the country?
- [Johnny] I hope we
didn't hurt ya, Joe baby.
- [Richard] Sorry, Mr. Namath,
we'll slip ya under a rug.
(pounding)
- [Woman] Hey! Could you
keep the racket down in there?
(pounding)
- Well, how'd ya
like the quickies?
- I didn't see 'em. I was
putting Oliver in the car.
- You put that beast in
your car? You're crazy.
Aren't you afraid what
he's gonna do to it?
- Nah.
- How come?
- Well, I put him in your car.
(growling) Ah!
- Get him outta there.
- He just ate the front seat.
- Here is a tip for all of you
who would like to be singers.
Never gargle with
a mouth full of flour.
- Joe Namath, baby. Hey,
you're in a lot of fast games.
When do you move your quickest?
- Well, when I find
out the girl's lied to me
about not being married.
- Like this.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm five years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
And you know
what? I don't want to.
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
And I could rock this chair
off the porch if I wanted to.
- Why do, uh...
- Just a moment.
- What?
- Let Charo do it.
She reads very well.
- That is my bad.
Why do people always
mistake me for Raquel Welch?
- For Raquel Welch.
- Oh, give me two good reasons.
- Two good reasons.
- Two good reasons.
- I didn't know Joseph
Natale became a waiter.
- Yes, he gave up
his act with the circus.
- Mmm, well after
all those years,
he finally got the
circus out of his blood.
- Right.
(silly music)
(indistinct conversation)
- Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Because he was a chicken.
(musical flourish)
(indistinct conversation)
- Okay, now it's coming another.
- Okay.
- D'you know...
- Jew? What'd she say?
- "You know."
- Juno. Okay.
- Thank you.
- No, "you know."
- Gracias.
D'you know...
- Grenada. (rim shot)
- Ten matadors.
- Ten matadors.
- The bull fighter,
could not kill Laugh In.
- Why not?
- There is just
too much bull in it.
- Democratic
National Convention,
cue the National Guard.
- A mother's heart,
the mind does wander
to mother's love
both dear and true.
As absence makes
the heart grow fonder,
we dear mother
grow fonder of you,
for your sweet smile
which means so much
(sobs)
much gives us such joy.
There is no other
than the tender arms
and gentle judge of you.
(sobs)
The whole world's dearest
mother. Oh, it's so true.
(sobs)
Oh, my boy.
- Oh, oh that Joe Namath,
what a romantic figure.
I wonder what it would
be like married to him?
Oh, just think.
Mrs. Broadway, oh.
Ra-ta-dee-da.
(dreamy music) (snores)
Oh, Joe, you never talk to me.
There's always a bunch
of girls in the apartment.
- Look, I can't talk to ya now.
There's a bunch of
girls in the apartment.
- But Joe, why did you
have to bring 'em here?
- Where do you want me to
keep 'em? In the locker room?
- You know, I've made up
my mind. Either they go or I go.
- And don't you think I'm
not gonna miss you, either.
- So that's it.
Well you just tell me one
thing that those girls have got
that I haven't got.
- Hmm, one thing, me.
- There is one great advantage.
- Advantage.
- Advantage.
To living in Spain rather
than the United States.
- What?
- Why, Laugh In
is no shown there.
- Boy, she's really like...
(musical flourish)
- Hussy!
- Do you see that worm?
- Well, I sure do. Ain't
that a cute little feller?
- I don't want that apple.
- Well, all right.
Here's your worm.
That'll be 10 cents.
I don't know if I shoulda
rung that up on meat or pets.
- Ah.
Mrs. Johnson, I thought
you were your daughter.
- Come on, are you
all talk or action?
- You know this is the 17th time
I've volunteered for the army,
but every time I come
down here they reject me.
- Why do you keep coming back?
- I just love taking
the physical.
- Over the years, we've
done a lot of Mod Worlds.
Tonight it's gonna be all
about the mod world of leisure.
By the sea, by the
sea, by the beautiful sea
- Well, all right, all right.
What's all this about?
- Well, I'm gonna swim to Hawaii
and make a name for myself.
- Well, I've got the
name. El Stupido.
- El Stupido.
- How does that sound to ya?
- Well, it doesn't sound bad.
- You don't even
know how to swim.
- I am so.
- You am?
- Sure, I learned yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Sure.
- You can't learn
to swim in one day.
- You can if you put
a shark in the pool.
- Yeah, that oughta do it.
- Hey, two more sharks
and I coulda run to Hawaii.
- Hawaii is over
2,500 miles away.
Now how are you
gonna swim that far?
- Well, I have mastered
an old Italian stroke.
- What's an old Italian stroke?
- Well, if he's lucky,
a young Italian.
- Even if you get out there,
the ocean's full of sharks.
Now, how are you
gonna protect yourself?
- I build a fire.
- You build a fire. How you
gonna build a fire in the ocean?
- Fire water.
- What's with the
pail and the shovel?
- Well, it's so I'll have
something to do when I get there.
I can play in the sand, you see.
- Oh, of course.
You ever think about food?
What are you gonna eat out there?
- I had no idea it
was dinner time.
I'll have a hamburger,
french fries, and a soft drink.
- Well, while he's
placing his order, folks,
gettin' ready to
play in the sand,
why don't we just serve
up the mod world of leisure?
- Bon voyage everybody.
- Bon voyage.
By the sea, by the
sea, by the beautiful sea
- Well, you better get started.
- You sing harmony.
- They might move it.
When you're stuck
with several days off
Move out where
the leisure pays off
Leave care and
despair outta reach
Find a cute cabana
on a beautiful beach
Splashing with a
son and daughter
Crashing by the sky blue water
Far from all the
hub-bub and screech
Betta you'll feel better
on a beautiful beach
Sunrise and sunset
and stuff in between
All are a part of
the beautiful scene
Swimmin' and floatin',
no feathers and fuss
Ain't it the age of the Aquarius
When you plan your next vacation
Seashore gets my nomination
Salt air and a
beach full of sand
Mermaids both terrific and tan
There is plenty of each
by the beautiful beach
With the work week gettin' short
Better find a good resort
Grab the girl that you adore
Drag her to the local shore
Weekends are lasting seven days
What's the
country's latest craze
Find a cute cabana
on a beautiful beach
Lifeguards will pull
you right outta the surf
Rip tides will rip ya
for alla your worth
Beach boys on surf
boards are catching the girls
Think I should
mention the bathin' girls
Some guys dig the
snow-capped mountains
Some dolls dig the
romance fountain
Some folks like
to skate and to ski
Some folks like a pad in Paris
When you're pickin' out
each try a beautiful beach
Remember Esther Williams
Find a cute cabana on a
great big beautiful beach
Last one in's a
rotten egg Splash
- Every time you
get some free time
you always do what you wanna do.
You watch football
and you lie on the couch.
Well today, I wanna go out.
Oh.
Oh.
Aw.
- (laughs) You know, I'm in
favor of a four-day work week.
It'll give me a chance to
go out and get a second job.
- You know, Dick.
- Huh?
- I live all year for the
opening of duck season.
Well, we don't have
to wait long now.
- Yeah. When do
we start shootin'?
- Only three more weeks.
- Honey, this is just great.
Oh, our first cruise on our
own boat, the Little Beauty.
- Yes, she is a
little beauty, too.
Well, let's see if we got
everything before we shove off.
Radio equipment, all
the navigational aids,
safety devices,
dinghy, the radar.
(whistles) Boy that
stuff's expensive.
- Mm-hmm.
- That reminds me of
the only thing we forgot.
- What's that?
- The For Sale sign.
(silly music)
- Boy, honey,
this is really great.
Don't you just love doing
nothing all weekend?
- I have lots of leisure time.
I'm on the government payroll.
- Civil service?
- No, unemployment compensation.
- Good for you.
- Just think, Bronco,
after 20 years
no more playing
football for a living.
- Yeah, I know how
ya feel there, Jose.
Just great to relax,
ya know what I mean?
No more of that one
hut, two hut, three hut.
- Hike.
(splashes)
- Nice runnin'
into ya like this.
What do you do in
your leisure time?
- Er, mostly brain surgery.
- Oh honey, come on.
I've never seen anyone
take so long to decide
what to do on a
two-week vacation.
- I only get it once a year.
I need a little time
to think where to go.
- Well you better decide fast.
You go back to work tomorrow.
- Hey Joe, ya know what
I'm gonna do next season?
- No, what?
- I'm gonna take up sky diving.
- Why?
- I'm gonna get those ducks
in a hand-to-hand combat.
- Going camping used to mean
a few days of peace and quiet.
Now when you try
to get away from it all
it all goes with you.
(birds chirping)
- Hey! Hey.
- Hey, ho.
- Don't you just
love it out here?
Roughing it in the
great outdoors?
- Yes, every once
in a while you just
have to get away from
the crowds in the city.
- Wait a minute, that's
some great tent ya got there.
- Yeah, well, we got
a real good deal on it.
- Huh?
- Yeah, it's got a living
room, a den, a TV room,
central air conditioning,
and three baths.
- Three baths.
- Hey! How's everybody?
- You should see
the second floor.
Right now we've got it rented
out to keep up the payments.
- Uh-huh, yep.
- Hey, I got an idea.
- What?
- How 'bout we're picking up
some Chateaubriand for dinner
and we'll eat in?
- Oh!
- Sounds great.
- Hey, why don't we go
to the Francois restaurant
right in the field, you know,
where the lake used to be?
- The lake, yeah.
- Wait a minute, we'd love to.
But we've got a real big
day planned tomorrow.
- Oh, you have?
Where are you going?
- Well, I have
reservations for a spot
on the side of the mountain.
- Well, hey, that's great.
We were up there
yesterday about four o'clock.
- Yeah.
- About four o'clock
it actually cleared off
and we were able to see a tree.
- Oh, good. Hi, how
ya doin'? How ya doin'?
We saw a tree last year.
Yeah, what I was
hoping, maybe see a rock
so we could show the kids.
- A rock.
- In fact, come on over.
We have a very
special evening planned.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, very
special, very special.
- What are we gonna do?
- Well, we're having
a few people over
to see slides of our
house in the city.
- Dick, do you realize
that there are some fools
that get up this early in
the morning just to play golf?
- You're right. There's a
couple playing through now.
- Cheer up, darlin', our
vacation's coming up soon.
We should really decide
where we wanna go.
I'd like to go to the mountains.
- Well I wanna go to the beach.
- Hey, that's great.
I'll go to the mountains,
you go to the beach.
- Well that was our look
at the mod world of leisure.
Now we'd like... - Whew!
- What happened to
you, oh mighty swimmer?
- Well, I came
close to drowning.
- How far did you get?
- Almost made it
to the back door.
- To the back door?
- Yup.
Then I ran into
the water cooler.
Some dolls like a week in Venice
Some guys like a game of tennis
Some folks dig a
dog sled in Gnome
Some slobs even wanna stay home
Once more into the breach
Try a beautiful beach
Surf's up (applause)
- I have to keep my body
in top physical condition.
A lot of people depend on it,
not to mention my teammates.
- Let's go ahead now.
- Give me more opportunity
because I want to
prove that my English...
- This is gonna be a good one.
- Take your time.
- The easiest transplant,
Dr. Christian
Bernard is a heart doc
and a known
Vaudeville performer.
Bernard just sat
back and relaxed
while the guy stood
on the operating table
and sang his heart out.
- He sang his heart out.
- (smooches) Okay.
(silly music)
- No matter how
successful I get,
you'll never find
me walking around
with my head in the clouds.
- Hey, Petula, does
London have much problem
with air pollution?
- I don't know. The fog's
so thick it's hard to tell.
- The doctor over
there said I was crazy.
- There's no doctor over there.
- Well don't tell me, tell
the doctor over there.
- I know a guy who was
so stupid, oh my goodness,
I like that.
Oh, no, no.
I know a guy who was so stupid,
he tried to get a job as
a lifeguard in a carpool.
Chi chi chi chi!
- As a lifeguard in a carpool.
- But you don't do the
chi-chi-chi-chi afterward.
- No.
- That's the fun of it.
- Oh, Bernie, this
is so romantic.
It's just like in the movies.
- [Man With Camera] Action.
- Just before I
came to California,
I heard somebody say,
God save the queen.
- Oh, were you in England?
- No, I was at a church
service at Fire Island.
- Oh ho ho.
- How are you today, Mrs. Crowl?
- I'm just fine,
how are you, Dot?
- I'm doing good.
Now let's see, that's one
head of iceberg lettuce.
That's 15 cents.
- Uh, may I have
it in a bag, please?
- You sure can.
If I can just get
a hold of it here.
See now,
that'll be one bag, 3.95.
- Permission to put on me
Carmen Miranda outfit, sir.
- Joe, are you
really a lady killer?
- Yes, I am.
- Well I'm here
to commit suicide.
Little Orphan Annie
is a clever little girl
Button eye and counter
dress and hair of reddish curl
With a dog named Sandy
she can brighten up the day
Listen very carefully
to what she has to say
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
youse We just love
To give you our news
La-da-di-da Grown-ups and kids
Annie looks at the news
With Dan and Dick, arf, arf
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh In News
with Raymond Burr in a chair,
Rod Taylor loaded for bear,
Anthony Quinn, he's our mayor,
and George Kennedy
without a prayer.
- And now, here's Dick
with the present news.
- This year, Truman
Capote found the solution
to the unemployment problem
by combining two jobs in one,
mailman and Avon lady.
(laughter)
- [Dan] Keeps his
appointed tasks.
- True.
The FBI announced today
the publication of a new book,
Everything J. Edgar Hoover
Has Wanted to Know About You
and Has Not Been Afraid to Ask.
Last month a special
committee was formed in Detroit
to discover why automobile
repair costs were so high.
- [Dan] Why were they?
- Well, so far the committee's
investigation has cost
10,000 for parts
and 90,000 for labor.
And now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Future news, you've been
taking elocution lessons.
- [Dick] So have I.
- All right, Chicago,
20 years from now,
with the continued refusal
of the federal government
to provide free lunches
for parochial schools,
the Cardinal today took
drastic action when he directed
that one student each
week bring to school
two loaves and five fishes.
(laughter)
News of the future
20 years from now,
six soldiers were to be
decorated today in ceremonies
celebrating the first anniversary
of the volunteer army.
However, the ceremony
had to be cancelled because
when their commanding
officer asked for six volunteers,
none of the volunteers
in the volunteer army
would voluntarily volunteer.
- That's pretty good.
- Oh, you liked that one, yes.
News of the future,
20 years from now,
90-year-old singer Frank
Sinatra came out of retirement
to give a special concert
at the Hollywood Bowl.
He delighted the audience
with such classics as,
"I've Got You
Under my Wrinkles,"
"Old at Heart,"
"Wheezers in the Night,"
and "I Still Do It My Way."
- Hi.
Busy Buzzy here in
Tinsel Town bringing you
the front page
on the back stage.
And here's the latest
on the biggest brush fire
in Hollywood history.
Although there were no injuries,
25 acres of land were burned.
Authorities claim the fire was
not due to a careless smoker,
but merely the result of
Mama Cass burning her bra.
That's it for now.
This is Busy Buzzy saying
bye bye and kissy, kissy.
Oh, burning her bra.
- Laugh In's news of the
past takes us back to 1929,
the year of the
stock market crash.
- Extry, extry, read all about
it! The stock market crashes!
Extry!
- Hey, hold it. What's that?
- The stock market just crashed.
Everyone's been
wiped out, ruined.
- Oh, well not everybody.
You see, I, er, I just sold
all my stocks yesterday
for five million.
The stock market crash
won't hurt me. I'm safe.
- Oh.
The money.
- And keep the change. Okay?
- [Paper Girl] Extry!
- Now to our reporter
in the Sahara Desert.
- Here we are in
the Sahara Desert
talking with a leading
archaeological authority
about the ancient
Egyptian pyramids.
Tell me, why do pyramids
have a point at the top?
- Because if they had
the point at the bottom,
they would fall over.
- Yes.
Oh yes, thank you.
Over. Thank you.
Now back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now for Kid News for Kids,
here's Moosy Drier in a
treehouse somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosy here with
Kid News for Kids.
Boy, I'm so excited, I
can't wait for Christmas Eve
to see Santa Claus
come down the chimney
and bring presents for everybody
because Santa Claus
is the best person
in the whole, wide world.
I can just see him now in
his boots and his big, red suit
and his long, white beard.
Boy I hope my daddy puts
his beard on straight this year.
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- And now we switch
you to our man in Africa.
- Chief, I understand
that your tribe
recently switched over
from blow guns to these rifles.
Now how are you doing with them?
- Mmm, not too good. We
can't seem to hit anything.
- Well, why not?
- I don't know.
Watch, I'll try and hit
that tree over there.
- Now here's Eric Clarified
to explain the
wage price freeze.
- The wage price freeze
is a technique designed
to keep prices
from rising so that
people won't need more
wages to pay the prices
because if people
get more wages,
then those companies will
have to raise their prices.
They hope that all this will
cut down unemployment,
but if everybody is
unemployed, then their wages
are frozen at nothing and
so prices wouldn't go up.
So the answer to the
problem is full unemployment,
and your uncle wears garters.
- Oh, like the birds in spring.
Hi, Big Al here talking to
Mr. Quarterback, himself,
New York Jets
Mr. Broadway Joe Namath.
- Hi Big Al.
- Oh, say Broadway Joe,
you have a very unusual name.
I mean, I understand the Joe
part, but what's the Broadway?
- Oh, usually about 115 pounds.
- Funny, funny.
Oh, you've been in
the game a long time.
Aren't ya gonna miss the
speed and the excitement
and the physical contact when
your playing days are over?
- I certainly will. And I'll
miss playing football, too.
(blows whistle)
- I'm taking you out tonight.
- And that's the way
it is, New Year's Day,
September 28th, 1927.
La-da-di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Oh, oh, oh
(applause)
- A woman's body is
like a car in the winter.
If you don't get it going
every once in a while,
it'll freeze up on you.
- Many people wonder
where I come from.
Yes, well, you can tell
that from my accent,
Alabama.
- Alabama!
I'm Alabama bound.
- All right.
- One ringy dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
A gracious good afternoon.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Is this Premier Alexei
Kosygin of the USS of R?
Good, this is Miss
Ernestine Tomlin of the AT&T.
(snorts)
No, no, that's not a country.
No, no, we're much
bigger than that.
We're the telephone company.
Yes, and we just want
to be sure that the line
from the White House
to the Kremlin is working.
What?
Oh, it's not working on you.
(snorts) Oh! Oh, premier.
I bet around the Kremlin
you're just the life of the party.
A little phone
company levity there.
Now, pardon me?
Yes, I do know quite
a bit about Russia.
What do I think of
Lenin and Marx?
Well, John Lennon's a little
dull but Groucho's hysterical.
Hello?
Hello?
- Petula, you look great.
- Yeah, how do you maintain
such a beautiful appearance?
- Oh, well, I always
avoid late hours,
I stay away from
fattening foods,
and I never, ever wash
my hair in turnip grease.
- Bert, I want you
to tell me one thing.
Why did the desk clerk
look at you and say,
do you want the usual?
- Who cares? Kiss me.
- What did that last
doctor say to you?
- Hi sailor, new in town?
- Dot, this is quite heavy.
Do you think you
could get someone
to help me get it out to my car?
- Well, lord, Mrs. Van de
Gell, I'll be glad to help you.
Where is your car?
- It's the Bentley
right out in front.
- Here we go.
(slide whistle) (crashes)
- Hey Joe, you've
been in a lot of action.
What's the worst
you were ever hurt?
- Well, one time during a huddle
one of my teammates
said I had bad breath.
- How rude.
- Yeah.
- I didn't even know her name.
- Well, come on, Joe,
let's go to the party.
Maybe you can find her.
(groovy music)
Hey, Johnny, hey during the war,
weren't you with
the 22nd battalion?
- Are you kidding? During the
war, I was the 22nd battalion.
- Our club wanted to do
something to help the poor
feed themselves, so
we raised some money
and sent them a set
of sterling silverware.
- I went to see Jesus Christ
Superstar the other night
and it was sold out.
As a matter of fact, it
was kneeling room only.
- Dick, what would
we possibly do
on your yacht for two weeks?
- Well, actually in a yacht,
it's kind of a houseboat,
but if we get bored
after a few days,
we'll take it down to the
ocean and put it in the water.
- I had a blind date last
week with a roller derby queen.
- Ooh! (giggles)
How was it?
- Well I've seen better dancers,
but boy could that guy skate.
- Among my colleagues I'm
known as a very humble man
and I don't mind telling
you, I'm very proud of it.
- I knew our marriage
was off to a bad start
when Richard asked for
the evening out with the boys
on our wedding night.
- You know, the East
Germans are relaxing
their rigid stance,
now, at the Berlin Wall.
They're allowing the refugees
a hundred yard head start
before they start firing.
- Oh, the economy's so bad,
I've been sharing office space
with a psychiatrist.
We put up a sign, Odds and Ends.
- You know, my assistant and
I took some great action shots
at the football game yesterday.
- Oh, what did
your assistant do?
- Well, he pulled the blankets
off the couples in the stands.
- Tell me, Hiawatha,
why do Indians sit
on the side of the road to
sell blankets and beads?
- Well, pale face, if you
sit in middle of the road,
you're gonna get hit by a truck.
- Joe, I understand you were
recently injured while playing.
How did it happen?
- Well, I was gaining
ground when I was trying
to make a tackle, when I
suddenly tripped over her couch.
- And now, Ian Bernard
and the orchestra
with a medley of one,
including Stardust.
- Well, it's time once
again for America's
newest fun show for senior
citizens, The Aging Game,
where three swinging
bachelors compete
for the affections
of a lovely lady.
And here she is, a
former Miss United States,
from Wickety-Quop,
Connecticut, Maude Farnsworthy!
Come on in, Maude.
All right.
Got her?
There we go.
There, now.
Now we got her.
Now, Maude, let's introduce
you to your three suitors.
Number one is
Henry L. Fahrquardt,
who enjoys checkers, warm
milk, and taking his own pulse.
Widower number two, Finley
G. Abernathy, who loves
sitting down a lot, wearing
torn sweaters, and waving.
Number three is
Chester B. Plumberry, Jr.,
whose hobby is waking
up in the morning.
(applause)
Okay, Maude, proceed
with the questions.
- Okay, sonny.
Now let's see, now,
number one, on our first date,
would you like to go dancing?
- What? What's that you say?
- Would ya like to go dancin'?
- What?
- Would you like to go dancing?
- Uh-oh, watch it lady.
Number two is a sissy.
- Well, in that
case, number three,
are you impressed that I was
once a Miss United States?
- Maybe yes and maybe no.
- [Maude] Well, what do ya mean?
- Well, when you won, how
many states were there?
(buzzer)
- Sorry, panel, your time is up.
- Oh, don't say that, I've
never felt better in my life.
- Well, Maude, who's
going to accompany you
on your glorious,
fun-filled week in Hawaii?
Will it be number one,
number two,
or number three?
- Have ya got a number four?
- No, Maude.
- Well, in that case,
I'll just take all three.
- Oh, they all sound so nice,
you can't make up your mind.
- Oh, no, they all
sound so feeble,
I just can't take any chances.
Come on, fellas, let's swing.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Petula, can you tell me,
where are the stars of
tomorrow coming from?
- No, but after
being on this show,
I can tell you where
they're not coming from.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Remember, television
is an educational medium.
It can learn you a
whole lot of stuff.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(kazoo music)
(electricity buzzes)
- There's the
Wilbur Mills cocktail,
one drink and you see a
second spot before your eyes.
- There's the Eddie R.
Carroll cocktail, no matter
how many you drink, you
can only get a little high.
- After you.
- No, after you.
- No, after you.
- Uh, after you.
- Don't order me around.
(punch lands)
You asked for it.
- Here are the
latest hardball scores
from around the country.
Minnesota 9-5-2, and
a shutout for Aspardley.
Miami 4-2-6-7 and
a line sprint zurn
for a three-bag goal.
- Doctor, am I too
heavy to get in the army?
- Why no, boy, I think
we can find a spot for you
in the tank corps.
Put a Howitzer in that navel,
we can take you anywhere.
- Finally.
- Joe, you don't
mind if I call ya Joe?
- No, no, it's
all right. It's fine.
- Mr. Namath, sir, in
British football, or soccer,
you know, 'cause they call it,
the players are not allowed
to use their hands at all.
- Oh, wow, that would
not only kill my career,
but most of my social life, too.
- I like to do Laugh In show
because with the joke, the joke,
yeah, joke.
- Yes.
- They give me,
it doesn't matter
whether I speak
good English or not.
- Hey, my little dimple,
are these eggs fresh?
- Well, let's see.
I believe they are.
Yeah, this looks
mighty fresh to me.
Looks like there's a
little spot in this'un.
- I think I'll get donuts.
- A dozen eggs,
that'll be 79 cents.
You forgot your eggs!
Here ya go!
- I taught my turtle
to play the piano.
- That's amazing.
- What's so amazing?
His best time for the
Minute Waltz is three days.
- You can't take me in the army,
I have a letter here
from my doctor.
I'm sure it'll keep me out.
- All right, well let me see it.
"My darling Phil, I'm sitting
here looking at your picture
"and longing to cast my eyes
"on your beautiful
face once more."
Yuck. Okay, you're out. Go.
Next. Stand there.
Well, what is it?
- I'm Phil.
- Well, there's no masquerade
party at this place at all.
- Who cares? Kiss me.
- You know, sometimes
we forget, but even our
most famous political
figures were once children.
- Well, your little boy,
William F., is at it again,
Mrs. Buckley.
This morning we caught
him writing four-syllable words
on the classroom wall.
- Now for arithmetic.
Now who knows the
sum of two and two?
That's right Dickie
Nixon, it's four.
- Where's little Spiro?
Very nice.
- Oh honey, guess what?
- What? What?
- Our little baby, Hubert
Horatio Humphrey
started talking this morning.
- I'm as pleased as
punch. What did he say?
- Oh come on and listen.
He hasn't stopped yet.
- Petula, you're
quiet everywhere,
what's the most
enthusiastic response
you've ever gotten from a crowd?
- One evening when I
was singing in the shower
and forgot to
lock the front door.
- This show reminds
me of Saturday night
in the chicken coop.
They keep laying
one egg after another.
And it's boring.
- Go ahead, Charo,
you'll love this one.
- Oh, that is a very
good instrument.
- The guitar, right.
- I, to use in a
nightclub. That's true.
It is sweet. It is melodic.
And if you have a
rooch grout? What is it?
- Rough crowd.
- No, no, no, if you
have a rough crowd.
- What is a bimble?
- Like a thimble, yeah.
- Boom, boom, boom.
- Oh? A boom, boom, boom, boom?
- No, no, that's
not a rough crowd.
- Okay, ah.
- If you have a rough crowd.
- But what is it?
- It's bad.
- B, bad.
- Oh, okay, you
can use it as a glove.
- Jew can use it as a glove.
- I think it would've worked
better without the pause.
I think you did very well.
- I didn't know. I
think that's beautiful.
- I don't think so
because my ambition
is to talk like a Chekhov Spiry.
- Like who?
- Chekhov Spiry.
- Chekhov Spiry.
- Yeah.
William Shakespeary.
- One day I make it.
- One day you'll talk
just like Chekhov Spiry.
- You're that far from
Shakespeare right now.
- Thank you.
- Okay, now hold still.
- Wait a minute.
What's that for?
- It's just a pain killer,
so that you won't
feel this one so much.
- Susan, I think I'm in love.
- My name is not Susan.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- But first, a word of
advice for one of our
military leaders,
General Custer.
- General George Custer.
- General Custer, tomorrow
stay away from
the Little Big Horn.
There's a very nasty Indian
up there named Sitting Dog.
- That's Bull.
- No, I swear it's the truth.
- The Indian's name
was Sitting Bull,
and a century ago he wiped
out Custer's entire force
at Little Big Horn.
- Well don't blame me. I told
him not to go near the place.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(applause)
- Goodnight,
Dick. (slide whistle)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (sobs)
- Goodnight, Dick. (snorts)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Betty.
Goodnight, Brenda. Brenda.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Anne.
Barbara.
Lu.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(pig squeals)
- Goodnight, ladies, everybody,
Dick, Dan, John, Paul.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, goodnight.
- Buena nocha, Ricardo. Woo.
- What Charo said
was, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Dean Martin is just
as relaxed as I am
only he feels it
the next morning.
- Hey Dick?
- Yes?
- You know, there's one guy
who deserves all the credit
for bringing the 1972 Democratic
Convention to Miami Beach.
- Who's that, John?
- Mayor Richard Daley.
- Annie?
- What, what, what Dennis?
- You know, I understand
the shortage of doctors
is getting critical.
- Yes, Dennis, I don't
know what the single nurses
are gonna do.
- Lily?
- Yes?
- What can I do to get rid of
the flies around my house?
- Take a bath.
- [Dick] Take a bath!
- And call me in the morning.
Talking of hospitals, boy.
- [Dan] Yes?
- They are so crowded nowadays,
the best you can hope for,
in a hospital... - [Dan] Yes?
- Is to get a semi-private bed.
And call me in the morning.
- Take two.
Hey listen, I know somebody
who's really got a skin problem.
- [Dick] Oh?
- He's black and
lives in Alabama.
- [Dick] That's a problem.
- Barbara?
Tell me, Barbara.
- Yes?
- Tell me, how do
you fix frogs' legs?
- With teeny, weeny splints.
- If you ever find
a beautiful girl
in the backseat of your car,
there are two
things to remember.
The second is, don't
give her your right name.
- This announcement
is to inform you
that this program
was pre-recorded,
therefore storming the
station will be a waste of time.
(punches land)
(clippers snip)
(dog barks)
(kazoo music)
(one person clapping)