Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 24 - Episode #5.24 - full transcript
(audience applauding)
(lively music)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall it to a day
Remember Sarah Bernhardt
and her traveling phase
Webber and Fields
Miss Nora Bayes
- A friend of mine
has a cat that talks.
- Hey, that must be great.
- Well, not really.
When you put him out at night,
you have to listen
to such abuse.
- My little buttercup,
my little buttercup, Anne,
who invented the telephone bill?
- I don't know.
- Alexander Graham Duck.
- Oh!
- Hot dog, Michael Powers.
What do you get for a girl
who has a 42-inch chest?
- A 32-inch sweater.
- Mitch Miller just got 20
years for bank robbery.
- Well, where'd they send him?
- Sing sing sing-a-long.
- Pausing to have
my oil checked.
Let me tell you something.
- Yes?
- My uncle just opened
a souvenir stand.
- Your uncle? Yes.
- At Mount Rushmore.
Right in the middle of
Thomas Jefferson's face.
- Is that a fact?
- Yes, he's always
sticking his business
into other people's noses.
Miss Eva Tangway,
clear the gangway
Do you remember
Vaudeville Oh, boy
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauds)
- We had a dog that was
so good at playing dead
that six months after he died,
we were still taking
him for a walk.
- I, uh, I knew
this guy one time
and he was such
a loser that even his
magazine subscription
ran out on him.
- I want whoever is spreading
those nasty rumors about me
to know I am doing my
best to live up to them.
- Jo Ann, what could I do
to increase my sex appeal?
- Just about anything.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank reservoir
and beer can recreation center,
NBC, the Near Breaking
Condition network,
conditions itself to
break out another
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the forging
ahead Dan Rowan
and the flopping
behind Dick Martin.
With cameo guest
stars Sandy Duncan,
Jo Ann Pflug, Jean Stapleton,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Richard Dawson, Larry
Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With cameo appearance
by Charles Nelson Reilly
and Joe Namath.
And behind Gary Owens
are these words for those
who hate to borrow:
beg and steal.
(audience laughs)
(woman screams)
- I'm sorry.
I was noticing you
doing the wash,
and you certainly like
your Glorox, don't you?
- Why yes, I do.
I really couldn't get
through a day without it.
- Well, don't be afraid,
but Mrs. Betty Jo Fillpot
of Rochester, New
York, we're going to
try a little
experiment with you.
We're going to take away your
Glorox for one whole month.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Just hold on.
(gun firing)
- Uh, for those of
you who are thinking
about going to the
kitchen for a snack,
well, now is really a good time,
because here are Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Okay, friends, while it lasts,
you and you alone can own a lot
in Sunnydale Shores,
a little piece of heaven.
- Dick.
- Do I hear $1,000?
- $1,000?
- Thank you, sir,
we have $1,000.
Do I hear 15?
Going once, going three times.
- Going once, going,
what happened to two?
- Good, we have
$2,000, do I hear three?
- No, of course not.
- Sold for $2,000 to the moon
man in the funny mustache.
Your name, sir?
- Dick, you dummy.
- Dick U. Dummy.
What's the U stand for?
- Would you just lower
your voice a little bit
and tell me what are you doing?
- Certainly.
It's my new investment program.
I am now in the
real estate business.
- Honestly?
- Of course not.
How could I make
any money that way?
(audience laughs)
- You don't know
anything about real estate.
How you going to
be in the real estate?
- Are you kidding?
I started only five minutes ago,
and already I
made my first sale.
- Sale? Now, wait a minute.
What do you take me for?
- So far, $2,000.
(audience laughs)
But stick around, we have a few
choice waterfront
lots available.
- I don't want a waterfront lot.
- Fine, I'll put
you down for one
near the shopping center, then.
- And I don't want one
near the shopping center.
- Son of a gun, what happened?
A few minutes ago,
business was booming.
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
If you're really looking
for a good investment,
why don't you put
your money into
something stable, the way I did?
- You own a stable?
(audience laughs)
- No, I don't own a stable.
- You don't?
Well, where do you
keep your horses, then?
- I don't have any horses.
- Well, that's wise.
They can cost you
bundle, you know.
They eat like horses.
- They eat like horses.
(audience laughs)
You know, you
want to get serious,
I mean, I'm trying to help you,
standing here laughing,
giggling, swinging around.
What's the matter?
You want some
sound financial advice?
- I would, sure.
- Why don't you
dabble in the market?
- Well, I tried it once in
the AMP, I grabbed a girl.
By the vegetables.
- I think I'm (mumbles).
- Wasn't my fault.
I was reaching for avocados
and the yams got in the way.
(audience laughs)
- I don't want to hear about it.
Let's go to the quickies and
forget about the auctioneer.
- Okay, they're right
behind the frozen food.
- I don't want to hear
about the frozen food.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bricks crashing)
- My name's Abner
West and I want the name
of my girl tattooed on my chest.
- Fine.
- In triplicate.
- What are we having tonight?
- Hot dogs and sauerkraut.
- Wait, I don't see
any hot dogs in here.
- Oh, I thought it needed
more of something.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, cut it out.
- Do you love me now as much
as the day you married me?
- Exactly as much.
- Oh, that's what
I was afraid of!
(crying out)
- Here we go, 10, 20, 30 dollars
going once, going twice, sold to
the gentleman in
the puce hot pants.
- All the time I've been
on the West Coast,
I have never been to the ocean.
See, we have a swimming
pool in our backyard,
and anytime we want it to
be, you know, like the ocean,
we just add a
couple quarts of oil.
(audience laughs)
- Well, wait a minute.
Can't you see there's not
enough room for the milk?
- Well, sure there is.
(playful music)
- Ah!
- We have the
street dug up, sir.
Now should we
repair the trouble?
- Repair the trouble?
You're fired.
We got no room in this
organization for fanatics.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the program Lights Out
has been postponed
because of darkness.
(upbeat music)
- We want two of your
best seats, please.
- Oh, sure.
- Money talks, see.
- Here you are, sir.
(audience laughs)
- I have a lot of
experience in this.
What would you do if
a shark attacked me?
- Not a thing.
It's very dangerous to disturb
an animal when he's eating.
(audience laughs)
(whistle sliding)
(steam burning)
- That's the last
time I play outfield
for the Burbank Dodgers.
- Give me a K, give
me a K, give me a KKK.
A K. (hammer clangs)
(audience laughs)
- I believe in a sound
mind and a sound body.
How'd you like to
come over to my place
and pick up some great sounds?
(audience laughs)
- Oops.
Hey, what kind of guarantee
did we get with this thing?
- Well, it says here
in the owner's manual
that it's guaranteed
for 10,000 miles,
or one rip,
whichever comes first.
(fabric tearing)
- There it is.
- There it is.
- You know, I had a
terrible nightmare last night.
- What was it about?
- I dreamt the red
Chinese dropped
five million towels
on the United States,
and the whole
country was wiped out.
(audience laughs)
- Did you know
you lost your ruby?
- Beware.
You are going to be
swindled out of $10.
- Hmm, not me, baby.
- That'll be $10.
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department,
Captain Stevens speaking.
Yes, Commissioner.
Yes, yes, I did, I did put the
parking citation on your car.
Didn't you see the signature?
It said Captain Stevens.
I see.
(phone ringing)
Burbank Police Department,
Sergeant Stevens speaking.
(audience laughs)
- You know, all my life I
wanted to be a comedian,
but every time I told someone,
they just stopped
and laughed at me.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, I'm the sheriff.
(drum banging)
- You look like the whole posse.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Joe, you're
great in the clinches.
- Well, don't forget,
I practice all week.
- I wasn't talking
about football.
- Neither was I.
(audience laughs)
- If this program had any taste,
it would shoot the audience
and put it out of its misery.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
- Soul food: chitlins, black-eyed
peas, and hominy grits.
- Which is which?
- I don't know.
They all look alike to me.
(audience laughs)
- Mornin', darlin'.
I'm thinking of opening
an account here
and I just want to make
sure that you people
aren't going to
make any mistakes
and that your accountin'
methods are completely sound.
- Oh, sir, you have
nothing to worry about
because we all have our
masters degree in mathematics,
and we are aware of the
latest statistical procedures.
We never make a mistake.
- Well, that's just fine, then.
I'd like to deposit $10,000.
- Okay, now then, let's
see, now that's one.
- Uh-huh.
- Just let me, just, uh.
Uh, this is four.
- Hold on a little,
girl, I'll tell you what.
I'd like to withdraw $11,000.
- Well, uh.
- Do the best you can, darlin'.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now that the
quickies are over,
have you finally settled
your investment plans?
- Yes, everything I have is
in tax-free municipal blondes.
(audience laughs)
- That's tax-free
municipal bonds.
- You put your money
where you want,
I'll put mine where I want.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'll have to sew
Miss Pickett's bonnet.
And it's getting
loose, but I don't like
to stick needles in the cloth.
My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
When me and
Grandpa go to church,
and everybody else gets
up and sings Rock of Ages,
me and Grandpa
sing Jingle Bells.
We like it best,
and that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- Talent is like good grammar:
you've either
got it or you ain't.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wonder
what it would be like
to be married to a great
man like Benjamin Franklin.
(gentle music)
Oh, he must have been
so cute and so gorgeous.
Just one dream, one night with
him, and I would be so happy.
(snoring)
Oh, what are you doing, Benny?
- Oh, I'm just writing the
Declaration of Independence.
- Oh, oh, oh, don't
tell me how it ends.
I want to read it myself.
(Ben laughs)
- Whatever you say, you
beautiful little sweetheart.
- Oh.
- I love your little chin.
- Oh, you have such
a way with words.
(yawns)
Oh, let's turn in,
it's getting late.
- Oh, just a moment,
my little gumdrop.
I want to try out a
new invention of mine.
- Oh, oh, oh, Benny,
what are those?
- Well, I call these eyeglass.
(screams) Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, it's a vulture! Oh!
- Look, I made some
homemade biscuits for ya.
(biscuits knocking)
- Gee, you really oughta
made a lot of these.
- Oh, you really
like 'em that much?
- No, but we could use 'em
for tiling the bathroom floor.
(audience laughs)
- Can you cash this
$500 check, please?
- Oh, yes, sir.
Here you go.
- Oh, could I have that
in smaller bills, please?
- Oh, certainly.
(paper tearing)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, where do I
find the frozen foods?
- In Alaska.
(man and audience laugh)
Wait a minute, that's
$1.50 for advice.
- Look, down there.
We've discovered an
ancient city that's in ruins.
- Nope, we've
discovered New York
and Con Ed is
repairing the streets.
- Ohh. (Motor sputtering)
- I believe in women's lib.
Oh, I wouldn't go so
far as to burn my bra,
but I did give two old ones
to Goodwill Industries once.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, tonight's subject
for the mod world is
(horn honking)
- Wa, wa, wa, wa.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
You wanna meet
a nice Jewish girl?
(horn honking)
- Ah, wait, not the
old jokes again.
- These are the new old jokes.
- What new old jokes?
- Sure, like the one about the
traveling astronaut and
the farmer's daughter.
(horn honking)
- How can you come out
here and insult this audience?
- Easy, like this.
Of all the sewers
in town, how come
you people dropped in here?
(horn honking)
- Will you stop?
- And speaking of
sewers, my wife is so ugly
she looks like she came
in third in a hatchet fight.
(horn honking)
They had a beauty contest in
her home town and nobody won.
(horn honking)
She's such a terrible
cook that she came home
one night and I saw a cockroach
- [Both] Eating a Tum.
- Laugh it up, folks, I
laughed when you came here.
(horn honking)
- Stop it, stop it.
You're being rude
to this audience.
- Audience?
I thought it was
an oil painting.
(horn honking)
- Alright, that's enough.
Now you've gone too far.
Entirely too far.
You oughta be
ashamed of yourself.
Why, some of these
people out here
have come to see this show
from all over the country.
Some of our most loyal
fans, people who've been
devoted to us over the
years have come to us,
and you degrade
them and demean them
and hurt their feelings
with stupidly cruel remarks.
Not only that, you
insult their intelligence
by telling them ancient,
antique, worn out jokes.
Shame. Shame!
Why, I'm surprised at you.
You oughta know better.
Why in the world would
you do something like this?
- I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid, I
wanted to please people.
I wanted to see them
smile, wanted to bring
a little light into
their dull lives.
I guess it was because
when I was a boy,
I never had very much.
- Oh, I never
realized that, Dick.
- Yes, as a matter of
fact, we were so poor
that when I was born, my
mother couldn't afford to have me.
One of the neighbors had me.
(horn honking) (Dick laughs)
- Ohh.
- The wolf came to our door
and left a sympathy card.
(horn honking)
They had to paint our
house to condemn it.
I couldn't afford a sled.
I had to slide down
hills on my cousin.
My mother took in garbage.
(horn honking)
- Thanks for
looking at mod world.
I'm sorry, folks.
(upbeat music)
Ruthy, can I walk
you to the party
- No, Larry.
Annie, can we cycle to the bar
- Afraid not, Alan.
Hey, Lily, shall we
rollerskate together
- [Lily] Sorry, Johnny.
Skiing is the fastest way of all
- [Women] No!
Heaven's sakes alive
We just want to drive
We adore an automobile
A chrome and leather
altogether automobile
Just it get it crankin'
Then hand me the wheel
I want to spin in my automobile
Take a turn and
head for the star
Anything is possible
when you're in a car
Will made of iron and
nerves made of steel
When driving an automobile
We can drive from
downtown Burbank
All the way to
Chattanooga, anooga
Anyone gets in our way
Well honk the horn,
aooga, aooga, aooga, aooga
We just love an automobile
A hope and prayed
for Never paid for
Automobile
The guy at the lot
got such a hot deal
We're driving an automobile
Just 10 more payments
Driving an automobile
It's in the shop now
Driving an automobile
I can't get started
Driving an automobile
Let's check the spark plug
Driving an automobile
- I'm just crazy about cars.
(audience applauds)
- Hi, folks, it's (drowned
out by background noise)
foreign car dealer here,
Ignats the Insane Immigrant.
Practically giving
away used cars
from so many foreign countries
that we offer the only
warranty backed by the U.N.
(audience laughs)
Now to tell you
about our British cars
is our British salesman,
Sir Cedric Redwick.
- Thank you so much.
I say, tip top.
We have a smashing
little British mark trail here.
Come in and count the
marks yourself. (laughs)
Yes, I'm just smashing cars,
and smashing and smashing.
However, for the luxury minded,
we also have deluxe
called The Rolls.
We call it that because
heading downhill
is the only time
it rolls. (laughs)
So drop by our lot, come
on, cheerio, everyone.
- I think my nephew
swipes hubcaps.
I had dinner at their
house the other night,
and the bottom of my
soup bowl said "Mustang."
- You know, this
is really something.
How long have we been in
this stupid traffic jam, anyway?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughs)
(breaks squealing)
- Hi, I'm supposed
to have my car
checked by you at 10,000 miles
to keep the warranty in effect.
- That's absolutely correct.
Uh, what's your
mileage reading now?
- 10,000 miles
right on the button.
- Okay, why don't you pull it
over to that wrack over there.
- Right over there?
Okay.
- I think he bought it.
(audience laughs)
(car engine running)
(breaks squealing)
What does your mileage read now?
- 10,000 miles and 1/10th.
- Puts you 1/10th
over your warranty.
I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
- Red China is trying to market
a car in the United States.
The only problem is
the cars aren't perfected
because of an oil
drainage problem. (laughs)
All those Chinese
cars leak alike.
(audience laughs)
- And now to our Swedish
car expert, Torsten Barsuspen.
- (speaking foreign
language), you're a nice boy.
Folks, what we Swedes
export is the Viking,
and let me tell you, our
Viking cars last and last.
In fact, that's what we got
there, the last of the vikings.
That's a little Swedish humor.
Last.
Why, one Viking went
through three drivers.
But they should never
have been standing
in front of a car
with brakes like that.
It's a little Irish.
(audience laughs)
- 3200 for the new
Dolphin with everything.
Boy, you got
yourself a great car,
but boy do you
drive a hard bargain.
- Well, I'm very
good with money.
- Listen, I know, I'm surprised
you didn't take the
Super IFX over there.
It's only 400 more.
- You mean for 400 I
could have that car?
- [Salesman] Yeah, that's all.
- Oh, I'd be
stupid not to buy it.
- Oh, sure, and
then for another 550
I can even offer you a
genuine simulated vinyl top,
with fang transmission
and electric hinges.
- But that's fantastic.
- You know, let's
see, of course,
that's going to be 4150.
But the boss, I hope
he'll approve this.
- What do you mean?
- You kiddin'?
A 485 engine, a
longer wheel base,
maybe 900 bucks and
you got the El Capitan.
(woman gasps)
- The El Capitan? Oh, wow.
900 more spread over 36
payments, but that's nothing.
How much is that?
- Well, look, you got
me in a corner, though.
The way you wheel and
deal, I better shave this
whole thing to 5,000.
- Well, I'll take it!
I'll take it!
- Hey, hey, I just
heard that whole deal.
Wait just a second.
There's my check for $5,000.
Now, when do I
get my El Capitan?
- As soon as you come
up with some more money.
You see, that's an $8,000 car.
(audience laughs)
- You just let her
have it for five.
- Why not?
We've been married
for nine years.
(audience laughs)
Don't get me wrong,
you're not a bad looking guy.
(audience laughs)
- And now to our German expert
on German cars, Herr von Hoff.
(speaking foreign language)
- We have here our
new model, Mach 1400.
Last year it was our Mach 1200,
but it just went up 100 machs.
(laughs) Whatever.
This car has not
changed its basic design
since it was first manufactured,
except for the removal
of the machine-gun mouth.
Just remember our slogan:
today a German car,
yesterday the world.
Well, you can't win them all.
(audience laughs)
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I was driving
along, and suddenly
the steering wheel fell off.
- Well, didn't you
hear them announce
on the radio that
they were recalling
all the cars for faulty
steering wheels?
- No, my car radio fell
out three weeks ago.
(audience laughs)
- Sorry to hear that, Mr. Nader.
- Johnson.
- Huh?
- You're fired.
- But what do you
mean, chief, why?
- Because of the way
you handled that last car.
- But I did just
like you told me.
I cut the fan belt and
I sold 'em a new one.
I let the air out of the tires
and I sold 'em four new ones.
Then I put three gallons of gas
in the car, and I
charged 'em for 10.
Man, I took those broads
for everything they had.
(laughs)
- I know, but them broads
were my wife and my mother.
(audience laughs)
- Miss Bergantino, I'm
very sorry to tell you this,
but you failed
your driver's test.
- Well, it wasn't
my fault those nuns
ran in front of my car.
- Well, I know, but
you fail to realize
they didn't expect
anyone to be driving
through the middle
of the church.
(audience laughs)
- Ford has so many cars like
Mustang, Maverick, and Pinto
that at some service
stations, you can get
your choice now of
ethyl, regular, or hay.
(audience laughs)
- And now our Italian
car expert, Fellini Fellati.
(speaking foreign language)
- Hello (speaking
foreign language).
I'm gonna tell you
about the new Italian car,
the Pizza, built to
last like Chinese junk.
It's a mess.
You see, you drive it
once, you're gonna say,
"Man, what a piece of junk."
Get the junk, please, people.
Listen to what I
say, this car's engine
is based on our
World War II model.
It comes complete
with backup lights,
and the Pizza is
the only car that has
the new collapsible
steering wheel.
Just get in the car,
people, listen to what I say.
Put your hands on the wheel,
and it immediately collapses.
Well, we gotta work
on it, but we so tired.
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- Okay, lady, here's
a ticket for speeding.
- Oh, officer, if you'll tear up
that ticket, I'll
give you my body.
- You're under arrest.
- For what?
- For insulting an officer!
(purse banging)
- We're standing
across the street
from the United National Bank,
which has just been
robbed of $50,000.
And here with me is an eye
witness to the robbers' getaway.
Tell me, sir, what's your name?
- Woodrow, I'm
a used car dealer.
- Huh.
Uh, could you tell us how
did they make their getaway?
- Well, they came
running out of the bank,
and they drove off in a 1967
Packard Ford (mumbles).
Radio, heater, (mumbles) tires,
wheel covers, and (mumbles).
A real steal at only $100.
- And now a word from our French
used car dealer,
Lucky Pierre La Midel.
- Oh ho, (speaking
foreign language).
(speaking foreign language)
Here is me, Lucky
Pierre La Midel
to tell you about
our new French car.
A combination of the
Opel and the Peugeot.
We call the O, Pew! (laughs)
You know, but they
move like crazy.
And your easy credit
plan will remind you
of the Rue de la Paix
and also the left bank,
because you'll rue
every time you pay,
and at the bank,
there'll be nothing left.
Well, c'est la vie.
We adore an automobile
A sleek and speedy
Yes, indeedy automobile
Nothing in life has
a greater appeal
Than driving an automobile
- Call a mechanic!
Driving an automobile
- [All] Aooga!
(audience applauds)
- So how'd you like
tomorrow's world?
- I loved it.
Now may I apologize for
all those dumb things I said?
- Well, I think it's about
time you did apologize,
but don't apologize to
me, apologize to them.
- Audience? You
call that an audience?
Why don't you all join hands
and see if you can
contact the living.
(horn honking) (audience laughs)
- I know you're out there,
I can hear your breathing.
(horn honking)
My uncle lived until
he was 132 years old.
He was a long liver.
He had a liver.
(Dan cries out)
(horn honking) (audience laughs)
Wait a minute, I got 20 more!
(horn honking)
(mumbles), you're crazy!
- Say, Broadway Joe, so in
European football or soccer,
you're not permitted
to use your hands at all.
- I know, I've had a
lot of dates like that.
(audience laughs)
- The Bunker family
really leads a dull life.
We must.
We spend every
Saturday night at home.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Say, you little
pistachio nut, you're cute.
(both laughing)
Hey, uh, what do you say
we go out Saturday night
and do a little huggin' and
kissin', you know what I mean?
- Saturday night?
- Yeah.
- But I, I, I really couldn't,
I'm busy Saturday night.
- Oh.
- How 'bout now?
(man cries out)
- God, your kisses!
- What's this?
- Oh, no.
I must have used
too much tenderizer.
(audience laughs)
- Here.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
Huh-uh, this is
the express lane.
We can only take one item here.
- What are you talking about?
All I've got is cheese,
and ham, and bread.
- Well, alright.
- What are you doing?
What?
- That's one ham
sandwich, $2.99.
- I remember when I was back
on Broadway, in The Boyfriend.
Some of the guys in the show
just loved dress rehearsals.
And you know, they didn't look
all that bad in those dresses.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, look down there.
A whole bunch of
people in white sheets.
We must be over Arabia.
Those are nomads.
(audience laughs)
- You know the romance is over
when you say,
"Wait here while I slip
"into something
more comfortable,"
and when you get
back, he's asleep.
(audience laughs)
- Jean, in All in the
Family, when Archie Bunker
calls you all those
names, even though
you're just acting, you ever
feel like belting him one?
- No, no.
Probably because anyone
with the least amount
of intelligence would
recognize that Archie Bunker's
statements are so prejudiced
that they defy credibility.
- I see.
- Either that or I'm a dingbat.
(audience laughs)
We're called the Lolly Sisters
We love to sing
for you, two, three
So here's a happy news report
With stories old and new
And some future ones
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
to love you, you
We just want to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Mohammed Ali
in a fight, Charlie Brown
flying a kite, Johnny
Carson late at night.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Las Vegas: a group
of women's lib show girls
went on strike
today, picketing nude
in front of the major hotels.
A spokeswoman, Sally
the Incredible Smith,
said, "We're tired of
being exploited by the men,
"and we want to get our
differences out in the open."
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Hey, George, what
time do you go to Vegas?
- I don't know, but I
wish I were there now.
News of the present.
Dateline, New
York City, the first
annual convention
of double talkers.
- [Dan] What?
- Double talkers.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah.
- Was held last night
at the Waldorf Hotel.
Chief double talker Dave Tishman
shocked the membership by
calling them a bunch of Krells.
- [Dan] Krells?
- Yes, he said that the meeting
was going to be a
(speaking foreign language),
and on the (speaking
foreign language).
And an angry audience
rose to its feet and shouted,
(speaking foreign language).
(audience laughs)
- That's the best reading
I ever heard from you.
- Thank you.
The only words I
understood were the thanks.
And now here's the news
with Dan of the future.
- News of the future
six months from now.
Is it only six months away?
- Yes.
- Miami Beach, August, 1972.
The internal squabbling
came to an end today
at the Democratic
National Convention
when after 15 days, 373 ballots,
and 295 candidates,
the democrats announced
that they had finally nominated
a man that they are
absolutely certain
could be elected
president: Richard M. Nixon.
(audience laughs)
(drowned out by
background noise) switched.
- That's right.
Why shouldn't the old pres?
- Yes.
I don't think you
should say the old pres.
News of the future 20 years
from now, dateline, Houston.
A new organization called the
He's Not Too Tickled with
You Saying Goodnight Pat.
(Dick and audience laugh)
A new organization called...
- He's not too tickled
with saying goodnight, Pat.
(Dan and audience laugh)
- Alright, you want to
hear the future news?
- I'd like to hear
the future news.
- Alright, where are we
again on the future news?
- [Dick] Go right into it.
- Back in Houston,
20 years from now,
a new organization
called the Sensuous Men
and the Sensuous Women
held its first annual picnic today
on the floor of the Astrodome.
Wait a minute.
- (laughs) I like it already.
- Reporters were
barred from the activities
and were thwarted in
their efforts to find out
what was going on inside,
because five minutes
after the meeting
began, all the windows
and the entire roof
became fogged up.
(audience laughs)
- They weren't the only
ones who were thwarted.
(audience laughs)
Night, Pat.
And now for Good News for Kids,
we take you to Moosie
Drier in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Good News for Kids.
Today our school
teacher took us to a farm.
And we learned a lot of stuff.
I learned three things.
I learned where milk comes from,
I learned where egg comes from,
and I learned I'm not gonna
eat anymore milk and eggs.
(audience laughs)
Back to you.
- Now hopscotching
the world for news,
we switch you to our
reporter in darkest Africa.
(tribal drums beating)
- [Johnny] Hey, anybody
know where the fuse box is?
(audience laughs)
- Hi. (laughs)
Busy Buzzi here telling
tattletales on Tinsel Town.
Scoop: movie greats
Lance and Tina Proudfoot
are producing their
next picture themselves.
To save money,
they will film in Spain.
They will leave
Hollywood for Spain
as soon as their
movie set is finished.
The set, a rather
large one, will be
an exact reproduction of
the entire town of Hollywood.
(audience laughs)
Busy Buzzi is saying
ta-ta and kissy kissy.
- And now we take you
to our man in Borneo.
- Hi, I'm here in Borneo to
talk to the Wild Man of Borneo.
Sir, why do they call
you the Wild Man?
- I guess because
I'm such a silly sack.
I've lost a whole necklace
in here somewhere.
- Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- And now we visit one
of the greatest names
in English criminology
with our man in London.
- We're standing
near the residence
of the greatest
detective in history,
a man able to
penetrate any problem,
the world's keenest
mind, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Mr. Holmes, are you
working on a case right now?
- Yes, yes. Indeed I am.
I have been watching
that house there
for six days, and
nobody has entered.
I've been trying to
find out who lives there.
- Why, you live there.
- Aha! (audience laughs)
- Hi. (bell ringing)
Oh. I love that bell.
Big Al here at the big house,
covering the big ball game
between Cell Block
B and Cell Block A.
We're in the top half
of the sixth inning,
and Fingers to Lou is up at bat.
And here's the pitch,
and he rips one deep
into the left field,
and the left fielder's
going back, way back, way back.
He's at the wall.
He's up against the wall.
(gun firing)
Oh, that stupid guard.
Fingers would have caught that.
(laughs) Ta-ta!
- One of the major
airlines installed
a piano bar in all
of their lounges,
which has brought
about some changes.
- Flight 104 to New York Tower,
requesting landing
instructions, wind velocity,
and do you happen to know the
words to the Whiffenpoof song?
(audience laughs)
- To discuss what today's
fashion-conscious women
are wearing, here is our
fashion consultant, Lily Tomlin.
- Yes, um, what the,
the, today the fad,
the thing today is, the
bra, the thing that everyone,
everyone is going around
without an under kinda,
because, except,
perhaps Flip, well, he's,
he's one thing, yes, that's
one thing he hasn't given,
because, uh, he, Mama
Princess, Mama Cass,
she had a wonderful,
fantastic pair of stretch pants.
It was, uh, they were
very, they were indeed,
they were, uh, uh, they
were, but more than that,
she had, she had
on a pair of hot
with a full slip
under her hot pants.
I think that's, uh, it gives
a kinda, it gives a kinda
good looking, uh, of
course maxi dresses
are good for bold layout.
Uh, I per, I, my own
preference is, uh, the bustle.
(audience laughs)
- This is the way the
news is normally reported
when a Washington
correspondent is interviewed.
Miss Hopkins, I understand
you attended a recent
social event for democratic
candidates and their wives.
How did it go?
- Well, it was great
fun and very cordial.
Before dinner, George
McGovern ran over
and slapped Teddy
Kennedy on the back.
Then Teddy gave
Mrs. McGovern a glass
of punch and a big
kiss on the cheek.
After dinner, Hubert
Humphrey passed out cigars,
and Mayor Lindsay
said he was only sorry
that there weren't more
parties like this one.
Oh, and by the way,
I was delighted to find
Mrs. Edmund Muskie is
really a very clever woman.
- Yes, and now let's hear
how an unsympathetic editor
would use this film
to distort the story.
Miss Hopkins, I understand
you attended a recent
social even for democratic
candidates and their wives.
How did it go?
- Before dinner, George
McGovern ran over
and slapped Teddy Kennedy.
(audience laughs)
- Sound like the democrats
are having a few problems.
What happened after dinner?
- Hubert Humphrey passed out.
And John Lindsay
said he was only sorry
that there weren't more parties.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there was one
astonishing news item
you picked up
during the evening.
What was it?
- Edmund Muskie is
really a very clever woman.
(audience laughs)
- Don't forget, ladies
and gentlemen,
you heard it here first.
- And that's the way it is,
Father's Day, 4,000 B.C.
(audience laughs)
La da di da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience laughs)
- Watch it!
(mumbles)
Lolly, get up.
- Ah, shut up!
(Lolly Sisters screaming)
- Hey, Jean, on
All in the Family,
are you acting or
playing yourself?
- Oh, yes.
(audience laughs)
- Joe, when the chips are down
and you're really in
a tough scrimmage,
what's your biggest worry?
- Jealous boyfriend.
(audience laughs)
- You know, a
lot of people think
that there's a bit of Archie
Bunker in each of us.
But I don't agree.
As a matter of fact, whenever
anybody says that to me,
I tell 'em to stifle themselves.
(audience laughs)
- I, uh, I'd like to
deposit $1,000.
- Oh, fine.
Uh, sir, this $1
bill, this is phony.
- Phony? What
makes you say that?
- Sir, everybody knows
that on the real $1 bill,
Bert Parks does
not wear a beard.
(audience laughs)
- This is delicious.
- Oh, I'm glad
somebody likes it.
The dog wouldn't touch it.
(man gags)
- I generally wear a
conservatively cut suit,
as you can see, to
show I'm conventional.
But it's lavender to show
I have an open mind.
(audience laughs)
- Dot, now your store advertised
this grape juice on
sale for 24 cents.
Just look at how
old and dusty it is.
Now it's obviously been
laying on the shelves for years.
- Well, my goodness,
in that case,
one bottle of fine wine, $8.50.
(audience laughs)
- That's great, at
last we're above
all the smog and
the pollution, huh?
- Take a deep breath and see.
(breathes in, then exhales)
- We must be above it.
Took a deep breath,
nothing happened.
(whimsical music)
- You wanna bet?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- And now seated at the old 88,
that master of the
ivories, an elephant.
(lively music)
- You know, I
wouldn't want to be
a peace marcher
in Israel or India.
By the time you get
your protest sign painted,
the war is over.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm definitely in favor
of workman's compensation.
Why, just last week I was
compensated by 27 workmen.
- I'm confident that winning
the votes of the 18-year-olds
because I can
communicate with them.
See, I'm hip to their jive.
Peace.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hi.
The post office clamped down on
one of those
correspondence schools.
They caught one of the students
sending prayers
through the mail.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Mary, would you like to
come up and see
my new apartment?
- Do I have to go very far?
- Sure, otherwise we
might as well stay here.
(audience laughs)
- Indian now forced to
use white man's calendar.
Smog so bad, can no longer see
how many moons come and go.
(audience laughs)
- You know, Dan, I
understand the Democratic Party
is trying to figure
out a way to draft
Teddy Kennedy into
the presidential race.
- That's what I understand.
I also understand that
the Republican Party's
trying to find a way to
draft him into the army.
(audience laughs)
- Our club had a dance last week
to raise money for those people
less fortunate than ourselves.
We sent the entire proceeds to
a nice, deserving upper
middle class family.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine
is so pigeon toed
that whenever he
wears a gray suit,
people throw breadcrumbs at him.
Thank you very much.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- All week long, I work on
my show, doing comedy,
and that's why it's such
a pleasure, you know,
to be here on Laugh-In,
doing something different.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, do you think
people who are really bigots
get offended by your
show, All in the Family?
- Oh, no, we're
in favor of bigotry.
We don't want to offend anyone.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I must announce
at this moment,
Laugh-In had no joke.
Thank you.
- What?
- Funny, never
stopped us before.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that Beethoven
wrote nine symphonies
and not one of 'em wrote back?
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you didn't
eat the white part.
- I know.
But liver ain't supposed
to have a white part.
(audience laughs)
- I just had my
apartment redecorated.
I put in all new men.
(audience laughs)
- You're so lousy
in the kitchen,
you can't even make a
decent bowl of Alphabet soup.
- Well, that's not true.
And I'm gonna cook
you some tonight
and make you eat your words.
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of Hollywood,
I've heard some people say,
"Where are all the new
young stars coming from?"
Well, I don't mean to be catty,
but seven o'clock this
morning, I saw one of them
coming out of my
neighbor's bedroom window.
- Permission to shin
up a convict's legs, sir.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I like doing
Laugh-In, Dick,
because it's nice to
do a show for a change
where a person is
treated with dignity.
- Okay, you're done, now
you can go home, dingbat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there is one
rule that a girl must keep
if she wants to keep
her cute, innocent looks.
And that's never sleep
face down on a bed of nails.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
The feather's still
on the chicken.
- Well, you know
how I feel about nudity.
(audience laughs)
- Well, close your eyes.
- Ooh, I remember
you from M♪A♪S♪H.
You were great as a nurse.
- Oh, why, thank you, Gladys.
You would have been
great in M♪A♪S♪H, too.
- Oh, as a nurse?
- No, as a victim.
- Oh!
(purse banging)
- Oh, not again!
(audience laughs)
- Here you go.
- Well, how are you
today, Mr. Ludd?
- Fine.
- I see that's one loaf
of bread, 49 cents.
- 49 cents?
I thought you said you
were having a half off sale?
- You know, you're
right, I almost forgot.
- Ah! (blade chopping)
- I did my first commercial
when I was a starving
young actress, and it
was for a local bakery.
And the only reason I
did it was for the bread.
(audience laughs)
- The gas is leaking.
What should we do?
- Quick, open the windows.
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
(whistle slides)
- I've always been
taught the good old
show business adage,
the show must go on.
It wasn't until I
came on Laugh-In
that I asked myself, "Why?"
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] This
is Stranger than Truth.
- Tonight our Stranger
than Truth department
concerns Dr. Larry R. Baker
of East Lansing, Michigan.
- Ooh.
- Mr. Baker has
recently completed
a successful 10-year
research program
and made a very important
scientific discovery.
- Aha, he discovered a
cure for the common cold.
- Oh, much more
difficult than that, sir.
- He discovered a beauty
mark on Ernest Borgnine?
- Oh, that's difficult, alright.
- It's a toughy.
- Now, according to the
United Press International,
I want you to listen to this,
Dr. Baker has developed
the world's first
seedless pickle.
- In just 10 years, you say?
- Isn't that marvelous?
- That is remarkable!
- I should say so.
I suppose you'd like
to know how he did it?
- I'd rather know why he did it.
(audience laughs)
- Don't hit me with
logic at this point.
You see, Dick, a cucumber plant
normally has both
male and female flowers.
- That sounds normal to me.
- I thought it would.
When the male flower pollinates
the female flower,
a pickle results.
- Well, the same thing
happens to people.
- What are you talking about?
- I have a friend who got in an
awful pickle once in Cleveland.
- Well, anyway, folks,
when the flower thinks
it's been pollinated, it
produces a seedless pickle.
- Science marches on.
Today the seedless pickle,
tomorrow the porkless pig.
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Charlie.
- Say that again.
- Oh, Charlie.
Does Dean Martin
really like old fashions?
- Oh, no, you see, he won't have
anything to do with
any girl over 25.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I remember
the first drink I ever had.
It was forced on me
by a guy I was with.
- The cad!
- Yeah.
- How did he force it on you?
- He talked me into
it while I was drunk.
(laughs)
- The rotter!
I'm going out and find him.
- Where did you go?
- [Drunk Man] Down
here! I found the guy!
We're having a drink.
- They both know I
hate to drink alone.
(audience laughs)
- Joe, how did you ever learn
to make those quick passes?
- Well, I used to date
an all-girl track team.
(audience laughs)
- Can you check
my account, please?
- Yes, for the name?
- The name is Yano Popolopolous.
- Uh, yeah, uh, could
you spell it, please?
- No. (audience laughs)
- Well, it's Y-A-N-O
P-O-P-O-L-O-U-S.
- Y-A-N?
- Y-A-N-O P, oh, really, sir.
- Yano Popolopolous.
- Yanop, Yanop,
Yano Pololopolous.
Just call yourself Nick.
(audience laughs)
- In a moment, Eddie
Mr. Drums Spoon himself.
Eddie, as you
know, is to the drums
what John Wayne
is to the trumpet.
(woman laughing)
- Tiny, darling, I think of you
every night before I go to bed.
- Oh, Miss Jo Ann,
I'm so flattered.
Why do you think of little me?
- Because I have insomnia,
and just the thought
of you makes me
so bored I fall asleep.
- Are you the cashier?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'd like a
cashier's check.
- Oh, certainly.
Here you go.
- Dorothy, does this
spray really kill bugs?
- Does it kill bugs?
No, but it'll keep their
hair in place all day.
(audience laughs)
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Right after I say
thank you to a very,
very important group of people.
- Oh, really, who's that?
- I want to thank all of our
hard-working crop dusters.
- Crop dusters?
- Yes, if it were not for them,
we would have the dustiest
crops in the whole world.
- Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(lively music)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Have a good night, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
I have to deliver.
- Whoo, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(banging)
- Goodnight, Dick.
Ow!
- Night, Dick. (laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick, and
you need a quart of oil.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(baby crying)
- [Man] It's just what
I've always wanted, a son.
- [Woman] The doctor
said he's the most beautiful
baby that's ever been born here.
- [Lily] I'd say the
Stevens boy did pretty well,
looking at this
first report card.
- [Teacher] Yes, I'd say
he's one of the brightest
boys I've ever had
in my classroom.
- [Reporter] Well,
coach, do you have any
promising players
on this year's team?
- [Coach] Keep an
eye on the Stevens kid.
If he doesn't make All American,
then I don't know my football.
- [Soldier] Sarge?
Stevens been up there
for three days,
holding that hill.
- [Sarge] If he doesn't deserve
the Congressional Medal of
Honor when he gets out of there...
- [Soldier] If he
gets out of there.
- [Stevens] Look, I'll,
I'll take any job you got.
- [Employer] Doesn't
seem to be anything
you can handle right
now, uh, Mr. Stevens.
But if something does come
up, we'll sure give you a call.
- Annie?
- Yes?
- You hear about the
Japanese plastic surgeon?
- No, what about him?
- He's always
trying to save face.
- Oh, no. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- My turn!
Did you know that
when Raquel Welch
was just a little girl,
she had a toy chest?
- I'll drink to that. Ruth!
- What?
- Come back.
Who lives on Fire
Island and has a picture
of himself locked in the attic?
- I don't know.
- Dorian Gay.
- Whoo!
- Yes, Mr. Owens,
good to see you.
- Thank you.
Do you know that my 82-year-old
uncle goes to a
child psychiatrist?
- Why does he do that?
- He likes children.
- Oh, my.
- Hey, Dick.
- Yes, Annie?
- Did you hear
about the gas station
attendant who held up a bank?
- No, what about him?
- Well, he told them to
give him all the money
or he'd fill 'em
full of low lead.
(both laughing)
- Alan!
- Sorry, I'm out.
- Oh, come, Alan.
- [Dan] You've been
out a long time, Alan.
- And I'll come back
in, if you don't mind.
- Okay.
- Oh, Ruth, my
little Dresden doll,
why do grasshoppers hop?
- Oh, Alan, you prince.
I don't know, why?
- Because they don't skip good.
(Ruth laughs)
- Honey.
- Yo, Annie, babe.
- What should we do to make
railroad travel more attractive?
- I suggest we start
flying the trains.
(audience laughs)
- I know a 106-year-old man
who married a 19-year-old girl.
- Where'd they go
on their honeymoon?
- Well, he took her to Bermuda,
and then she took
him to Forest Lawn.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho.
- This program is pre-recorded.
Program is pre-recorded.
This program is pre-recorded.
Now I think I've got it.
I think I've got it now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this show is puri.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(whistle sliding)
(smacking)
(audience laughs)
(clapping and whistling)
(ball bouncing)
(horn honking)
(audience laughs)
(ball bouncing)
(lively music)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall it to a day
Remember Sarah Bernhardt
and her traveling phase
Webber and Fields
Miss Nora Bayes
- A friend of mine
has a cat that talks.
- Hey, that must be great.
- Well, not really.
When you put him out at night,
you have to listen
to such abuse.
- My little buttercup,
my little buttercup, Anne,
who invented the telephone bill?
- I don't know.
- Alexander Graham Duck.
- Oh!
- Hot dog, Michael Powers.
What do you get for a girl
who has a 42-inch chest?
- A 32-inch sweater.
- Mitch Miller just got 20
years for bank robbery.
- Well, where'd they send him?
- Sing sing sing-a-long.
- Pausing to have
my oil checked.
Let me tell you something.
- Yes?
- My uncle just opened
a souvenir stand.
- Your uncle? Yes.
- At Mount Rushmore.
Right in the middle of
Thomas Jefferson's face.
- Is that a fact?
- Yes, he's always
sticking his business
into other people's noses.
Miss Eva Tangway,
clear the gangway
Do you remember
Vaudeville Oh, boy
Do you remember Vaudeville
(audience applauds)
- We had a dog that was
so good at playing dead
that six months after he died,
we were still taking
him for a walk.
- I, uh, I knew
this guy one time
and he was such
a loser that even his
magazine subscription
ran out on him.
- I want whoever is spreading
those nasty rumors about me
to know I am doing my
best to live up to them.
- Jo Ann, what could I do
to increase my sex appeal?
- Just about anything.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the beautiful
downtown Burbank reservoir
and beer can recreation center,
NBC, the Near Breaking
Condition network,
conditions itself to
break out another
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the forging
ahead Dan Rowan
and the flopping
behind Dick Martin.
With cameo guest
stars Sandy Duncan,
Jo Ann Pflug, Jean Stapleton,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
With Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Richard Dawson, Larry
Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With cameo appearance
by Charles Nelson Reilly
and Joe Namath.
And behind Gary Owens
are these words for those
who hate to borrow:
beg and steal.
(audience laughs)
(woman screams)
- I'm sorry.
I was noticing you
doing the wash,
and you certainly like
your Glorox, don't you?
- Why yes, I do.
I really couldn't get
through a day without it.
- Well, don't be afraid,
but Mrs. Betty Jo Fillpot
of Rochester, New
York, we're going to
try a little
experiment with you.
We're going to take away your
Glorox for one whole month.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Just hold on.
(gun firing)
- Uh, for those of
you who are thinking
about going to the
kitchen for a snack,
well, now is really a good time,
because here are Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Okay, friends, while it lasts,
you and you alone can own a lot
in Sunnydale Shores,
a little piece of heaven.
- Dick.
- Do I hear $1,000?
- $1,000?
- Thank you, sir,
we have $1,000.
Do I hear 15?
Going once, going three times.
- Going once, going,
what happened to two?
- Good, we have
$2,000, do I hear three?
- No, of course not.
- Sold for $2,000 to the moon
man in the funny mustache.
Your name, sir?
- Dick, you dummy.
- Dick U. Dummy.
What's the U stand for?
- Would you just lower
your voice a little bit
and tell me what are you doing?
- Certainly.
It's my new investment program.
I am now in the
real estate business.
- Honestly?
- Of course not.
How could I make
any money that way?
(audience laughs)
- You don't know
anything about real estate.
How you going to
be in the real estate?
- Are you kidding?
I started only five minutes ago,
and already I
made my first sale.
- Sale? Now, wait a minute.
What do you take me for?
- So far, $2,000.
(audience laughs)
But stick around, we have a few
choice waterfront
lots available.
- I don't want a waterfront lot.
- Fine, I'll put
you down for one
near the shopping center, then.
- And I don't want one
near the shopping center.
- Son of a gun, what happened?
A few minutes ago,
business was booming.
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
If you're really looking
for a good investment,
why don't you put
your money into
something stable, the way I did?
- You own a stable?
(audience laughs)
- No, I don't own a stable.
- You don't?
Well, where do you
keep your horses, then?
- I don't have any horses.
- Well, that's wise.
They can cost you
bundle, you know.
They eat like horses.
- They eat like horses.
(audience laughs)
You know, you
want to get serious,
I mean, I'm trying to help you,
standing here laughing,
giggling, swinging around.
What's the matter?
You want some
sound financial advice?
- I would, sure.
- Why don't you
dabble in the market?
- Well, I tried it once in
the AMP, I grabbed a girl.
By the vegetables.
- I think I'm (mumbles).
- Wasn't my fault.
I was reaching for avocados
and the yams got in the way.
(audience laughs)
- I don't want to hear about it.
Let's go to the quickies and
forget about the auctioneer.
- Okay, they're right
behind the frozen food.
- I don't want to hear
about the frozen food.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bricks crashing)
- My name's Abner
West and I want the name
of my girl tattooed on my chest.
- Fine.
- In triplicate.
- What are we having tonight?
- Hot dogs and sauerkraut.
- Wait, I don't see
any hot dogs in here.
- Oh, I thought it needed
more of something.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, cut it out.
- Do you love me now as much
as the day you married me?
- Exactly as much.
- Oh, that's what
I was afraid of!
(crying out)
- Here we go, 10, 20, 30 dollars
going once, going twice, sold to
the gentleman in
the puce hot pants.
- All the time I've been
on the West Coast,
I have never been to the ocean.
See, we have a swimming
pool in our backyard,
and anytime we want it to
be, you know, like the ocean,
we just add a
couple quarts of oil.
(audience laughs)
- Well, wait a minute.
Can't you see there's not
enough room for the milk?
- Well, sure there is.
(playful music)
- Ah!
- We have the
street dug up, sir.
Now should we
repair the trouble?
- Repair the trouble?
You're fired.
We got no room in this
organization for fanatics.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the program Lights Out
has been postponed
because of darkness.
(upbeat music)
- We want two of your
best seats, please.
- Oh, sure.
- Money talks, see.
- Here you are, sir.
(audience laughs)
- I have a lot of
experience in this.
What would you do if
a shark attacked me?
- Not a thing.
It's very dangerous to disturb
an animal when he's eating.
(audience laughs)
(whistle sliding)
(steam burning)
- That's the last
time I play outfield
for the Burbank Dodgers.
- Give me a K, give
me a K, give me a KKK.
A K. (hammer clangs)
(audience laughs)
- I believe in a sound
mind and a sound body.
How'd you like to
come over to my place
and pick up some great sounds?
(audience laughs)
- Oops.
Hey, what kind of guarantee
did we get with this thing?
- Well, it says here
in the owner's manual
that it's guaranteed
for 10,000 miles,
or one rip,
whichever comes first.
(fabric tearing)
- There it is.
- There it is.
- You know, I had a
terrible nightmare last night.
- What was it about?
- I dreamt the red
Chinese dropped
five million towels
on the United States,
and the whole
country was wiped out.
(audience laughs)
- Did you know
you lost your ruby?
- Beware.
You are going to be
swindled out of $10.
- Hmm, not me, baby.
- That'll be $10.
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department,
Captain Stevens speaking.
Yes, Commissioner.
Yes, yes, I did, I did put the
parking citation on your car.
Didn't you see the signature?
It said Captain Stevens.
I see.
(phone ringing)
Burbank Police Department,
Sergeant Stevens speaking.
(audience laughs)
- You know, all my life I
wanted to be a comedian,
but every time I told someone,
they just stopped
and laughed at me.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, I'm the sheriff.
(drum banging)
- You look like the whole posse.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Joe, you're
great in the clinches.
- Well, don't forget,
I practice all week.
- I wasn't talking
about football.
- Neither was I.
(audience laughs)
- If this program had any taste,
it would shoot the audience
and put it out of its misery.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
- Soul food: chitlins, black-eyed
peas, and hominy grits.
- Which is which?
- I don't know.
They all look alike to me.
(audience laughs)
- Mornin', darlin'.
I'm thinking of opening
an account here
and I just want to make
sure that you people
aren't going to
make any mistakes
and that your accountin'
methods are completely sound.
- Oh, sir, you have
nothing to worry about
because we all have our
masters degree in mathematics,
and we are aware of the
latest statistical procedures.
We never make a mistake.
- Well, that's just fine, then.
I'd like to deposit $10,000.
- Okay, now then, let's
see, now that's one.
- Uh-huh.
- Just let me, just, uh.
Uh, this is four.
- Hold on a little,
girl, I'll tell you what.
I'd like to withdraw $11,000.
- Well, uh.
- Do the best you can, darlin'.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now that the
quickies are over,
have you finally settled
your investment plans?
- Yes, everything I have is
in tax-free municipal blondes.
(audience laughs)
- That's tax-free
municipal bonds.
- You put your money
where you want,
I'll put mine where I want.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'll have to sew
Miss Pickett's bonnet.
And it's getting
loose, but I don't like
to stick needles in the cloth.
My name is Edith Ann,
and I'm five years old.
And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
When me and
Grandpa go to church,
and everybody else gets
up and sings Rock of Ages,
me and Grandpa
sing Jingle Bells.
We like it best,
and that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- Talent is like good grammar:
you've either
got it or you ain't.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wonder
what it would be like
to be married to a great
man like Benjamin Franklin.
(gentle music)
Oh, he must have been
so cute and so gorgeous.
Just one dream, one night with
him, and I would be so happy.
(snoring)
Oh, what are you doing, Benny?
- Oh, I'm just writing the
Declaration of Independence.
- Oh, oh, oh, don't
tell me how it ends.
I want to read it myself.
(Ben laughs)
- Whatever you say, you
beautiful little sweetheart.
- Oh.
- I love your little chin.
- Oh, you have such
a way with words.
(yawns)
Oh, let's turn in,
it's getting late.
- Oh, just a moment,
my little gumdrop.
I want to try out a
new invention of mine.
- Oh, oh, oh, Benny,
what are those?
- Well, I call these eyeglass.
(screams) Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, it's a vulture! Oh!
- Look, I made some
homemade biscuits for ya.
(biscuits knocking)
- Gee, you really oughta
made a lot of these.
- Oh, you really
like 'em that much?
- No, but we could use 'em
for tiling the bathroom floor.
(audience laughs)
- Can you cash this
$500 check, please?
- Oh, yes, sir.
Here you go.
- Oh, could I have that
in smaller bills, please?
- Oh, certainly.
(paper tearing)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, where do I
find the frozen foods?
- In Alaska.
(man and audience laugh)
Wait a minute, that's
$1.50 for advice.
- Look, down there.
We've discovered an
ancient city that's in ruins.
- Nope, we've
discovered New York
and Con Ed is
repairing the streets.
- Ohh. (Motor sputtering)
- I believe in women's lib.
Oh, I wouldn't go so
far as to burn my bra,
but I did give two old ones
to Goodwill Industries once.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, tonight's subject
for the mod world is
(horn honking)
- Wa, wa, wa, wa.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
You wanna meet
a nice Jewish girl?
(horn honking)
- Ah, wait, not the
old jokes again.
- These are the new old jokes.
- What new old jokes?
- Sure, like the one about the
traveling astronaut and
the farmer's daughter.
(horn honking)
- How can you come out
here and insult this audience?
- Easy, like this.
Of all the sewers
in town, how come
you people dropped in here?
(horn honking)
- Will you stop?
- And speaking of
sewers, my wife is so ugly
she looks like she came
in third in a hatchet fight.
(horn honking)
They had a beauty contest in
her home town and nobody won.
(horn honking)
She's such a terrible
cook that she came home
one night and I saw a cockroach
- [Both] Eating a Tum.
- Laugh it up, folks, I
laughed when you came here.
(horn honking)
- Stop it, stop it.
You're being rude
to this audience.
- Audience?
I thought it was
an oil painting.
(horn honking)
- Alright, that's enough.
Now you've gone too far.
Entirely too far.
You oughta be
ashamed of yourself.
Why, some of these
people out here
have come to see this show
from all over the country.
Some of our most loyal
fans, people who've been
devoted to us over the
years have come to us,
and you degrade
them and demean them
and hurt their feelings
with stupidly cruel remarks.
Not only that, you
insult their intelligence
by telling them ancient,
antique, worn out jokes.
Shame. Shame!
Why, I'm surprised at you.
You oughta know better.
Why in the world would
you do something like this?
- I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid, I
wanted to please people.
I wanted to see them
smile, wanted to bring
a little light into
their dull lives.
I guess it was because
when I was a boy,
I never had very much.
- Oh, I never
realized that, Dick.
- Yes, as a matter of
fact, we were so poor
that when I was born, my
mother couldn't afford to have me.
One of the neighbors had me.
(horn honking) (Dick laughs)
- Ohh.
- The wolf came to our door
and left a sympathy card.
(horn honking)
They had to paint our
house to condemn it.
I couldn't afford a sled.
I had to slide down
hills on my cousin.
My mother took in garbage.
(horn honking)
- Thanks for
looking at mod world.
I'm sorry, folks.
(upbeat music)
Ruthy, can I walk
you to the party
- No, Larry.
Annie, can we cycle to the bar
- Afraid not, Alan.
Hey, Lily, shall we
rollerskate together
- [Lily] Sorry, Johnny.
Skiing is the fastest way of all
- [Women] No!
Heaven's sakes alive
We just want to drive
We adore an automobile
A chrome and leather
altogether automobile
Just it get it crankin'
Then hand me the wheel
I want to spin in my automobile
Take a turn and
head for the star
Anything is possible
when you're in a car
Will made of iron and
nerves made of steel
When driving an automobile
We can drive from
downtown Burbank
All the way to
Chattanooga, anooga
Anyone gets in our way
Well honk the horn,
aooga, aooga, aooga, aooga
We just love an automobile
A hope and prayed
for Never paid for
Automobile
The guy at the lot
got such a hot deal
We're driving an automobile
Just 10 more payments
Driving an automobile
It's in the shop now
Driving an automobile
I can't get started
Driving an automobile
Let's check the spark plug
Driving an automobile
- I'm just crazy about cars.
(audience applauds)
- Hi, folks, it's (drowned
out by background noise)
foreign car dealer here,
Ignats the Insane Immigrant.
Practically giving
away used cars
from so many foreign countries
that we offer the only
warranty backed by the U.N.
(audience laughs)
Now to tell you
about our British cars
is our British salesman,
Sir Cedric Redwick.
- Thank you so much.
I say, tip top.
We have a smashing
little British mark trail here.
Come in and count the
marks yourself. (laughs)
Yes, I'm just smashing cars,
and smashing and smashing.
However, for the luxury minded,
we also have deluxe
called The Rolls.
We call it that because
heading downhill
is the only time
it rolls. (laughs)
So drop by our lot, come
on, cheerio, everyone.
- I think my nephew
swipes hubcaps.
I had dinner at their
house the other night,
and the bottom of my
soup bowl said "Mustang."
- You know, this
is really something.
How long have we been in
this stupid traffic jam, anyway?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughs)
(breaks squealing)
- Hi, I'm supposed
to have my car
checked by you at 10,000 miles
to keep the warranty in effect.
- That's absolutely correct.
Uh, what's your
mileage reading now?
- 10,000 miles
right on the button.
- Okay, why don't you pull it
over to that wrack over there.
- Right over there?
Okay.
- I think he bought it.
(audience laughs)
(car engine running)
(breaks squealing)
What does your mileage read now?
- 10,000 miles and 1/10th.
- Puts you 1/10th
over your warranty.
I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
- Red China is trying to market
a car in the United States.
The only problem is
the cars aren't perfected
because of an oil
drainage problem. (laughs)
All those Chinese
cars leak alike.
(audience laughs)
- And now to our Swedish
car expert, Torsten Barsuspen.
- (speaking foreign
language), you're a nice boy.
Folks, what we Swedes
export is the Viking,
and let me tell you, our
Viking cars last and last.
In fact, that's what we got
there, the last of the vikings.
That's a little Swedish humor.
Last.
Why, one Viking went
through three drivers.
But they should never
have been standing
in front of a car
with brakes like that.
It's a little Irish.
(audience laughs)
- 3200 for the new
Dolphin with everything.
Boy, you got
yourself a great car,
but boy do you
drive a hard bargain.
- Well, I'm very
good with money.
- Listen, I know, I'm surprised
you didn't take the
Super IFX over there.
It's only 400 more.
- You mean for 400 I
could have that car?
- [Salesman] Yeah, that's all.
- Oh, I'd be
stupid not to buy it.
- Oh, sure, and
then for another 550
I can even offer you a
genuine simulated vinyl top,
with fang transmission
and electric hinges.
- But that's fantastic.
- You know, let's
see, of course,
that's going to be 4150.
But the boss, I hope
he'll approve this.
- What do you mean?
- You kiddin'?
A 485 engine, a
longer wheel base,
maybe 900 bucks and
you got the El Capitan.
(woman gasps)
- The El Capitan? Oh, wow.
900 more spread over 36
payments, but that's nothing.
How much is that?
- Well, look, you got
me in a corner, though.
The way you wheel and
deal, I better shave this
whole thing to 5,000.
- Well, I'll take it!
I'll take it!
- Hey, hey, I just
heard that whole deal.
Wait just a second.
There's my check for $5,000.
Now, when do I
get my El Capitan?
- As soon as you come
up with some more money.
You see, that's an $8,000 car.
(audience laughs)
- You just let her
have it for five.
- Why not?
We've been married
for nine years.
(audience laughs)
Don't get me wrong,
you're not a bad looking guy.
(audience laughs)
- And now to our German expert
on German cars, Herr von Hoff.
(speaking foreign language)
- We have here our
new model, Mach 1400.
Last year it was our Mach 1200,
but it just went up 100 machs.
(laughs) Whatever.
This car has not
changed its basic design
since it was first manufactured,
except for the removal
of the machine-gun mouth.
Just remember our slogan:
today a German car,
yesterday the world.
Well, you can't win them all.
(audience laughs)
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I was driving
along, and suddenly
the steering wheel fell off.
- Well, didn't you
hear them announce
on the radio that
they were recalling
all the cars for faulty
steering wheels?
- No, my car radio fell
out three weeks ago.
(audience laughs)
- Sorry to hear that, Mr. Nader.
- Johnson.
- Huh?
- You're fired.
- But what do you
mean, chief, why?
- Because of the way
you handled that last car.
- But I did just
like you told me.
I cut the fan belt and
I sold 'em a new one.
I let the air out of the tires
and I sold 'em four new ones.
Then I put three gallons of gas
in the car, and I
charged 'em for 10.
Man, I took those broads
for everything they had.
(laughs)
- I know, but them broads
were my wife and my mother.
(audience laughs)
- Miss Bergantino, I'm
very sorry to tell you this,
but you failed
your driver's test.
- Well, it wasn't
my fault those nuns
ran in front of my car.
- Well, I know, but
you fail to realize
they didn't expect
anyone to be driving
through the middle
of the church.
(audience laughs)
- Ford has so many cars like
Mustang, Maverick, and Pinto
that at some service
stations, you can get
your choice now of
ethyl, regular, or hay.
(audience laughs)
- And now our Italian
car expert, Fellini Fellati.
(speaking foreign language)
- Hello (speaking
foreign language).
I'm gonna tell you
about the new Italian car,
the Pizza, built to
last like Chinese junk.
It's a mess.
You see, you drive it
once, you're gonna say,
"Man, what a piece of junk."
Get the junk, please, people.
Listen to what I
say, this car's engine
is based on our
World War II model.
It comes complete
with backup lights,
and the Pizza is
the only car that has
the new collapsible
steering wheel.
Just get in the car,
people, listen to what I say.
Put your hands on the wheel,
and it immediately collapses.
Well, we gotta work
on it, but we so tired.
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
- Okay, lady, here's
a ticket for speeding.
- Oh, officer, if you'll tear up
that ticket, I'll
give you my body.
- You're under arrest.
- For what?
- For insulting an officer!
(purse banging)
- We're standing
across the street
from the United National Bank,
which has just been
robbed of $50,000.
And here with me is an eye
witness to the robbers' getaway.
Tell me, sir, what's your name?
- Woodrow, I'm
a used car dealer.
- Huh.
Uh, could you tell us how
did they make their getaway?
- Well, they came
running out of the bank,
and they drove off in a 1967
Packard Ford (mumbles).
Radio, heater, (mumbles) tires,
wheel covers, and (mumbles).
A real steal at only $100.
- And now a word from our French
used car dealer,
Lucky Pierre La Midel.
- Oh ho, (speaking
foreign language).
(speaking foreign language)
Here is me, Lucky
Pierre La Midel
to tell you about
our new French car.
A combination of the
Opel and the Peugeot.
We call the O, Pew! (laughs)
You know, but they
move like crazy.
And your easy credit
plan will remind you
of the Rue de la Paix
and also the left bank,
because you'll rue
every time you pay,
and at the bank,
there'll be nothing left.
Well, c'est la vie.
We adore an automobile
A sleek and speedy
Yes, indeedy automobile
Nothing in life has
a greater appeal
Than driving an automobile
- Call a mechanic!
Driving an automobile
- [All] Aooga!
(audience applauds)
- So how'd you like
tomorrow's world?
- I loved it.
Now may I apologize for
all those dumb things I said?
- Well, I think it's about
time you did apologize,
but don't apologize to
me, apologize to them.
- Audience? You
call that an audience?
Why don't you all join hands
and see if you can
contact the living.
(horn honking) (audience laughs)
- I know you're out there,
I can hear your breathing.
(horn honking)
My uncle lived until
he was 132 years old.
He was a long liver.
He had a liver.
(Dan cries out)
(horn honking) (audience laughs)
Wait a minute, I got 20 more!
(horn honking)
(mumbles), you're crazy!
- Say, Broadway Joe, so in
European football or soccer,
you're not permitted
to use your hands at all.
- I know, I've had a
lot of dates like that.
(audience laughs)
- The Bunker family
really leads a dull life.
We must.
We spend every
Saturday night at home.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Say, you little
pistachio nut, you're cute.
(both laughing)
Hey, uh, what do you say
we go out Saturday night
and do a little huggin' and
kissin', you know what I mean?
- Saturday night?
- Yeah.
- But I, I, I really couldn't,
I'm busy Saturday night.
- Oh.
- How 'bout now?
(man cries out)
- God, your kisses!
- What's this?
- Oh, no.
I must have used
too much tenderizer.
(audience laughs)
- Here.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
Huh-uh, this is
the express lane.
We can only take one item here.
- What are you talking about?
All I've got is cheese,
and ham, and bread.
- Well, alright.
- What are you doing?
What?
- That's one ham
sandwich, $2.99.
- I remember when I was back
on Broadway, in The Boyfriend.
Some of the guys in the show
just loved dress rehearsals.
And you know, they didn't look
all that bad in those dresses.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, look down there.
A whole bunch of
people in white sheets.
We must be over Arabia.
Those are nomads.
(audience laughs)
- You know the romance is over
when you say,
"Wait here while I slip
"into something
more comfortable,"
and when you get
back, he's asleep.
(audience laughs)
- Jean, in All in the
Family, when Archie Bunker
calls you all those
names, even though
you're just acting, you ever
feel like belting him one?
- No, no.
Probably because anyone
with the least amount
of intelligence would
recognize that Archie Bunker's
statements are so prejudiced
that they defy credibility.
- I see.
- Either that or I'm a dingbat.
(audience laughs)
We're called the Lolly Sisters
We love to sing
for you, two, three
So here's a happy news report
With stories old and new
And some future ones
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way, we hope
to love you, you
We just want to
give you our views
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Mohammed Ali
in a fight, Charlie Brown
flying a kite, Johnny
Carson late at night.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Las Vegas: a group
of women's lib show girls
went on strike
today, picketing nude
in front of the major hotels.
A spokeswoman, Sally
the Incredible Smith,
said, "We're tired of
being exploited by the men,
"and we want to get our
differences out in the open."
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Hey, George, what
time do you go to Vegas?
- I don't know, but I
wish I were there now.
News of the present.
Dateline, New
York City, the first
annual convention
of double talkers.
- [Dan] What?
- Double talkers.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah.
- Was held last night
at the Waldorf Hotel.
Chief double talker Dave Tishman
shocked the membership by
calling them a bunch of Krells.
- [Dan] Krells?
- Yes, he said that the meeting
was going to be a
(speaking foreign language),
and on the (speaking
foreign language).
And an angry audience
rose to its feet and shouted,
(speaking foreign language).
(audience laughs)
- That's the best reading
I ever heard from you.
- Thank you.
The only words I
understood were the thanks.
And now here's the news
with Dan of the future.
- News of the future
six months from now.
Is it only six months away?
- Yes.
- Miami Beach, August, 1972.
The internal squabbling
came to an end today
at the Democratic
National Convention
when after 15 days, 373 ballots,
and 295 candidates,
the democrats announced
that they had finally nominated
a man that they are
absolutely certain
could be elected
president: Richard M. Nixon.
(audience laughs)
(drowned out by
background noise) switched.
- That's right.
Why shouldn't the old pres?
- Yes.
I don't think you
should say the old pres.
News of the future 20 years
from now, dateline, Houston.
A new organization called the
He's Not Too Tickled with
You Saying Goodnight Pat.
(Dick and audience laugh)
A new organization called...
- He's not too tickled
with saying goodnight, Pat.
(Dan and audience laugh)
- Alright, you want to
hear the future news?
- I'd like to hear
the future news.
- Alright, where are we
again on the future news?
- [Dick] Go right into it.
- Back in Houston,
20 years from now,
a new organization
called the Sensuous Men
and the Sensuous Women
held its first annual picnic today
on the floor of the Astrodome.
Wait a minute.
- (laughs) I like it already.
- Reporters were
barred from the activities
and were thwarted in
their efforts to find out
what was going on inside,
because five minutes
after the meeting
began, all the windows
and the entire roof
became fogged up.
(audience laughs)
- They weren't the only
ones who were thwarted.
(audience laughs)
Night, Pat.
And now for Good News for Kids,
we take you to Moosie
Drier in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
Good News for Kids.
Today our school
teacher took us to a farm.
And we learned a lot of stuff.
I learned three things.
I learned where milk comes from,
I learned where egg comes from,
and I learned I'm not gonna
eat anymore milk and eggs.
(audience laughs)
Back to you.
- Now hopscotching
the world for news,
we switch you to our
reporter in darkest Africa.
(tribal drums beating)
- [Johnny] Hey, anybody
know where the fuse box is?
(audience laughs)
- Hi. (laughs)
Busy Buzzi here telling
tattletales on Tinsel Town.
Scoop: movie greats
Lance and Tina Proudfoot
are producing their
next picture themselves.
To save money,
they will film in Spain.
They will leave
Hollywood for Spain
as soon as their
movie set is finished.
The set, a rather
large one, will be
an exact reproduction of
the entire town of Hollywood.
(audience laughs)
Busy Buzzi is saying
ta-ta and kissy kissy.
- And now we take you
to our man in Borneo.
- Hi, I'm here in Borneo to
talk to the Wild Man of Borneo.
Sir, why do they call
you the Wild Man?
- I guess because
I'm such a silly sack.
I've lost a whole necklace
in here somewhere.
- Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- And now we visit one
of the greatest names
in English criminology
with our man in London.
- We're standing
near the residence
of the greatest
detective in history,
a man able to
penetrate any problem,
the world's keenest
mind, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Mr. Holmes, are you
working on a case right now?
- Yes, yes. Indeed I am.
I have been watching
that house there
for six days, and
nobody has entered.
I've been trying to
find out who lives there.
- Why, you live there.
- Aha! (audience laughs)
- Hi. (bell ringing)
Oh. I love that bell.
Big Al here at the big house,
covering the big ball game
between Cell Block
B and Cell Block A.
We're in the top half
of the sixth inning,
and Fingers to Lou is up at bat.
And here's the pitch,
and he rips one deep
into the left field,
and the left fielder's
going back, way back, way back.
He's at the wall.
He's up against the wall.
(gun firing)
Oh, that stupid guard.
Fingers would have caught that.
(laughs) Ta-ta!
- One of the major
airlines installed
a piano bar in all
of their lounges,
which has brought
about some changes.
- Flight 104 to New York Tower,
requesting landing
instructions, wind velocity,
and do you happen to know the
words to the Whiffenpoof song?
(audience laughs)
- To discuss what today's
fashion-conscious women
are wearing, here is our
fashion consultant, Lily Tomlin.
- Yes, um, what the,
the, today the fad,
the thing today is, the
bra, the thing that everyone,
everyone is going around
without an under kinda,
because, except,
perhaps Flip, well, he's,
he's one thing, yes, that's
one thing he hasn't given,
because, uh, he, Mama
Princess, Mama Cass,
she had a wonderful,
fantastic pair of stretch pants.
It was, uh, they were
very, they were indeed,
they were, uh, uh, they
were, but more than that,
she had, she had
on a pair of hot
with a full slip
under her hot pants.
I think that's, uh, it gives
a kinda, it gives a kinda
good looking, uh, of
course maxi dresses
are good for bold layout.
Uh, I per, I, my own
preference is, uh, the bustle.
(audience laughs)
- This is the way the
news is normally reported
when a Washington
correspondent is interviewed.
Miss Hopkins, I understand
you attended a recent
social event for democratic
candidates and their wives.
How did it go?
- Well, it was great
fun and very cordial.
Before dinner, George
McGovern ran over
and slapped Teddy
Kennedy on the back.
Then Teddy gave
Mrs. McGovern a glass
of punch and a big
kiss on the cheek.
After dinner, Hubert
Humphrey passed out cigars,
and Mayor Lindsay
said he was only sorry
that there weren't more
parties like this one.
Oh, and by the way,
I was delighted to find
Mrs. Edmund Muskie is
really a very clever woman.
- Yes, and now let's hear
how an unsympathetic editor
would use this film
to distort the story.
Miss Hopkins, I understand
you attended a recent
social even for democratic
candidates and their wives.
How did it go?
- Before dinner, George
McGovern ran over
and slapped Teddy Kennedy.
(audience laughs)
- Sound like the democrats
are having a few problems.
What happened after dinner?
- Hubert Humphrey passed out.
And John Lindsay
said he was only sorry
that there weren't more parties.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there was one
astonishing news item
you picked up
during the evening.
What was it?
- Edmund Muskie is
really a very clever woman.
(audience laughs)
- Don't forget, ladies
and gentlemen,
you heard it here first.
- And that's the way it is,
Father's Day, 4,000 B.C.
(audience laughs)
La da di da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience laughs)
- Watch it!
(mumbles)
Lolly, get up.
- Ah, shut up!
(Lolly Sisters screaming)
- Hey, Jean, on
All in the Family,
are you acting or
playing yourself?
- Oh, yes.
(audience laughs)
- Joe, when the chips are down
and you're really in
a tough scrimmage,
what's your biggest worry?
- Jealous boyfriend.
(audience laughs)
- You know, a
lot of people think
that there's a bit of Archie
Bunker in each of us.
But I don't agree.
As a matter of fact, whenever
anybody says that to me,
I tell 'em to stifle themselves.
(audience laughs)
- I, uh, I'd like to
deposit $1,000.
- Oh, fine.
Uh, sir, this $1
bill, this is phony.
- Phony? What
makes you say that?
- Sir, everybody knows
that on the real $1 bill,
Bert Parks does
not wear a beard.
(audience laughs)
- This is delicious.
- Oh, I'm glad
somebody likes it.
The dog wouldn't touch it.
(man gags)
- I generally wear a
conservatively cut suit,
as you can see, to
show I'm conventional.
But it's lavender to show
I have an open mind.
(audience laughs)
- Dot, now your store advertised
this grape juice on
sale for 24 cents.
Just look at how
old and dusty it is.
Now it's obviously been
laying on the shelves for years.
- Well, my goodness,
in that case,
one bottle of fine wine, $8.50.
(audience laughs)
- That's great, at
last we're above
all the smog and
the pollution, huh?
- Take a deep breath and see.
(breathes in, then exhales)
- We must be above it.
Took a deep breath,
nothing happened.
(whimsical music)
- You wanna bet?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- And now seated at the old 88,
that master of the
ivories, an elephant.
(lively music)
- You know, I
wouldn't want to be
a peace marcher
in Israel or India.
By the time you get
your protest sign painted,
the war is over.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm definitely in favor
of workman's compensation.
Why, just last week I was
compensated by 27 workmen.
- I'm confident that winning
the votes of the 18-year-olds
because I can
communicate with them.
See, I'm hip to their jive.
Peace.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hi.
The post office clamped down on
one of those
correspondence schools.
They caught one of the students
sending prayers
through the mail.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Mary, would you like to
come up and see
my new apartment?
- Do I have to go very far?
- Sure, otherwise we
might as well stay here.
(audience laughs)
- Indian now forced to
use white man's calendar.
Smog so bad, can no longer see
how many moons come and go.
(audience laughs)
- You know, Dan, I
understand the Democratic Party
is trying to figure
out a way to draft
Teddy Kennedy into
the presidential race.
- That's what I understand.
I also understand that
the Republican Party's
trying to find a way to
draft him into the army.
(audience laughs)
- Our club had a dance last week
to raise money for those people
less fortunate than ourselves.
We sent the entire proceeds to
a nice, deserving upper
middle class family.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine
is so pigeon toed
that whenever he
wears a gray suit,
people throw breadcrumbs at him.
Thank you very much.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- All week long, I work on
my show, doing comedy,
and that's why it's such
a pleasure, you know,
to be here on Laugh-In,
doing something different.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, do you think
people who are really bigots
get offended by your
show, All in the Family?
- Oh, no, we're
in favor of bigotry.
We don't want to offend anyone.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I must announce
at this moment,
Laugh-In had no joke.
Thank you.
- What?
- Funny, never
stopped us before.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that Beethoven
wrote nine symphonies
and not one of 'em wrote back?
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you didn't
eat the white part.
- I know.
But liver ain't supposed
to have a white part.
(audience laughs)
- I just had my
apartment redecorated.
I put in all new men.
(audience laughs)
- You're so lousy
in the kitchen,
you can't even make a
decent bowl of Alphabet soup.
- Well, that's not true.
And I'm gonna cook
you some tonight
and make you eat your words.
(audience laughs)
- Speaking of Hollywood,
I've heard some people say,
"Where are all the new
young stars coming from?"
Well, I don't mean to be catty,
but seven o'clock this
morning, I saw one of them
coming out of my
neighbor's bedroom window.
- Permission to shin
up a convict's legs, sir.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I like doing
Laugh-In, Dick,
because it's nice to
do a show for a change
where a person is
treated with dignity.
- Okay, you're done, now
you can go home, dingbat.
(audience laughs)
- Well, there is one
rule that a girl must keep
if she wants to keep
her cute, innocent looks.
And that's never sleep
face down on a bed of nails.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
The feather's still
on the chicken.
- Well, you know
how I feel about nudity.
(audience laughs)
- Well, close your eyes.
- Ooh, I remember
you from M♪A♪S♪H.
You were great as a nurse.
- Oh, why, thank you, Gladys.
You would have been
great in M♪A♪S♪H, too.
- Oh, as a nurse?
- No, as a victim.
- Oh!
(purse banging)
- Oh, not again!
(audience laughs)
- Here you go.
- Well, how are you
today, Mr. Ludd?
- Fine.
- I see that's one loaf
of bread, 49 cents.
- 49 cents?
I thought you said you
were having a half off sale?
- You know, you're
right, I almost forgot.
- Ah! (blade chopping)
- I did my first commercial
when I was a starving
young actress, and it
was for a local bakery.
And the only reason I
did it was for the bread.
(audience laughs)
- The gas is leaking.
What should we do?
- Quick, open the windows.
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)
(whistle slides)
- I've always been
taught the good old
show business adage,
the show must go on.
It wasn't until I
came on Laugh-In
that I asked myself, "Why?"
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] This
is Stranger than Truth.
- Tonight our Stranger
than Truth department
concerns Dr. Larry R. Baker
of East Lansing, Michigan.
- Ooh.
- Mr. Baker has
recently completed
a successful 10-year
research program
and made a very important
scientific discovery.
- Aha, he discovered a
cure for the common cold.
- Oh, much more
difficult than that, sir.
- He discovered a beauty
mark on Ernest Borgnine?
- Oh, that's difficult, alright.
- It's a toughy.
- Now, according to the
United Press International,
I want you to listen to this,
Dr. Baker has developed
the world's first
seedless pickle.
- In just 10 years, you say?
- Isn't that marvelous?
- That is remarkable!
- I should say so.
I suppose you'd like
to know how he did it?
- I'd rather know why he did it.
(audience laughs)
- Don't hit me with
logic at this point.
You see, Dick, a cucumber plant
normally has both
male and female flowers.
- That sounds normal to me.
- I thought it would.
When the male flower pollinates
the female flower,
a pickle results.
- Well, the same thing
happens to people.
- What are you talking about?
- I have a friend who got in an
awful pickle once in Cleveland.
- Well, anyway, folks,
when the flower thinks
it's been pollinated, it
produces a seedless pickle.
- Science marches on.
Today the seedless pickle,
tomorrow the porkless pig.
- Yes.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Charlie.
- Say that again.
- Oh, Charlie.
Does Dean Martin
really like old fashions?
- Oh, no, you see, he won't have
anything to do with
any girl over 25.
(audience laughs)
- You know, I remember
the first drink I ever had.
It was forced on me
by a guy I was with.
- The cad!
- Yeah.
- How did he force it on you?
- He talked me into
it while I was drunk.
(laughs)
- The rotter!
I'm going out and find him.
- Where did you go?
- [Drunk Man] Down
here! I found the guy!
We're having a drink.
- They both know I
hate to drink alone.
(audience laughs)
- Joe, how did you ever learn
to make those quick passes?
- Well, I used to date
an all-girl track team.
(audience laughs)
- Can you check
my account, please?
- Yes, for the name?
- The name is Yano Popolopolous.
- Uh, yeah, uh, could
you spell it, please?
- No. (audience laughs)
- Well, it's Y-A-N-O
P-O-P-O-L-O-U-S.
- Y-A-N?
- Y-A-N-O P, oh, really, sir.
- Yano Popolopolous.
- Yanop, Yanop,
Yano Pololopolous.
Just call yourself Nick.
(audience laughs)
- In a moment, Eddie
Mr. Drums Spoon himself.
Eddie, as you
know, is to the drums
what John Wayne
is to the trumpet.
(woman laughing)
- Tiny, darling, I think of you
every night before I go to bed.
- Oh, Miss Jo Ann,
I'm so flattered.
Why do you think of little me?
- Because I have insomnia,
and just the thought
of you makes me
so bored I fall asleep.
- Are you the cashier?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, I'd like a
cashier's check.
- Oh, certainly.
Here you go.
- Dorothy, does this
spray really kill bugs?
- Does it kill bugs?
No, but it'll keep their
hair in place all day.
(audience laughs)
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Right after I say
thank you to a very,
very important group of people.
- Oh, really, who's that?
- I want to thank all of our
hard-working crop dusters.
- Crop dusters?
- Yes, if it were not for them,
we would have the dustiest
crops in the whole world.
- Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(lively music)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Have a good night, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
I have to deliver.
- Whoo, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(banging)
- Goodnight, Dick.
Ow!
- Night, Dick. (laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick, and
you need a quart of oil.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(baby crying)
- [Man] It's just what
I've always wanted, a son.
- [Woman] The doctor
said he's the most beautiful
baby that's ever been born here.
- [Lily] I'd say the
Stevens boy did pretty well,
looking at this
first report card.
- [Teacher] Yes, I'd say
he's one of the brightest
boys I've ever had
in my classroom.
- [Reporter] Well,
coach, do you have any
promising players
on this year's team?
- [Coach] Keep an
eye on the Stevens kid.
If he doesn't make All American,
then I don't know my football.
- [Soldier] Sarge?
Stevens been up there
for three days,
holding that hill.
- [Sarge] If he doesn't deserve
the Congressional Medal of
Honor when he gets out of there...
- [Soldier] If he
gets out of there.
- [Stevens] Look, I'll,
I'll take any job you got.
- [Employer] Doesn't
seem to be anything
you can handle right
now, uh, Mr. Stevens.
But if something does come
up, we'll sure give you a call.
- Annie?
- Yes?
- You hear about the
Japanese plastic surgeon?
- No, what about him?
- He's always
trying to save face.
- Oh, no. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- My turn!
Did you know that
when Raquel Welch
was just a little girl,
she had a toy chest?
- I'll drink to that. Ruth!
- What?
- Come back.
Who lives on Fire
Island and has a picture
of himself locked in the attic?
- I don't know.
- Dorian Gay.
- Whoo!
- Yes, Mr. Owens,
good to see you.
- Thank you.
Do you know that my 82-year-old
uncle goes to a
child psychiatrist?
- Why does he do that?
- He likes children.
- Oh, my.
- Hey, Dick.
- Yes, Annie?
- Did you hear
about the gas station
attendant who held up a bank?
- No, what about him?
- Well, he told them to
give him all the money
or he'd fill 'em
full of low lead.
(both laughing)
- Alan!
- Sorry, I'm out.
- Oh, come, Alan.
- [Dan] You've been
out a long time, Alan.
- And I'll come back
in, if you don't mind.
- Okay.
- Oh, Ruth, my
little Dresden doll,
why do grasshoppers hop?
- Oh, Alan, you prince.
I don't know, why?
- Because they don't skip good.
(Ruth laughs)
- Honey.
- Yo, Annie, babe.
- What should we do to make
railroad travel more attractive?
- I suggest we start
flying the trains.
(audience laughs)
- I know a 106-year-old man
who married a 19-year-old girl.
- Where'd they go
on their honeymoon?
- Well, he took her to Bermuda,
and then she took
him to Forest Lawn.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho.
- This program is pre-recorded.
Program is pre-recorded.
This program is pre-recorded.
Now I think I've got it.
I think I've got it now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this show is puri.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(whistle sliding)
(smacking)
(audience laughs)
(clapping and whistling)
(ball bouncing)
(horn honking)
(audience laughs)
(ball bouncing)