Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 23 - Episode #5.23 - full transcript
- All right, ladies
and gentlemen,
our special guest
is one of the stars
of a great movie, Mash.
- The lovely and talented
Miss Jo Ann Pflug.
- That's Pflug, Jo Anne
Plug, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you, Dan, very much.
A special thank
you to you, Dick,
for all you did for me.
- Thank you.
Well, thank you. (chuckles)
Did you ever hear the story
about the two Irishmen...
- Wait, wait, hold,
hold, hold, wait a minute.
What do you mean
for all he did for you?
- Well, it was just
wonderful of him
to share his dressing
room with me,
I mean, after mine was
destroyed by the big fire.
(audience laughs)
- What big fire?
- You see, these two Irishmen,
one of 'em says to the other...
- Wait, will you stop
with that dumb joke?
- Well, that isn't
all he did for me.
- Oh, really?
- I mean, he helped me rehearse
my really big striptease
number for the show.
- What big striptease number?
(audience laughs)
- Well, (chuckles) the one where
I drink two bottles of champagne
and run around on
the furniture naked.
- Excuse me, excuse
me for a minute.
Excuse me.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
This is the lowest
you've ever stooped,
for crying out loud.
Having this lovely girl
rehearse a fictitious strip number,
drink all that champagne,
and then make her run
around on the furniture naked!
You ought to be ashamed.
- Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Dan.
Now don't blame
him for everything.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean the running
around on the furniture naked
was my idea.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, Jo Ann,
I wanna run over the Lady
Godiva number with you.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Mr. Wayne, uh, John, (giggles)
why do you like making
Western movies so much?
- Well, because in
Westerns, men are men
and women are women,
and their ain't too much of that
going' on around
here these days.
(audience laughs)
- Woo, I bet!
- I truly admire Sammy Davis.
Both he and I have black roots.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury.
- I'm not the jury,
I'm the judge.
- Well, I that case you
should be locked up
for impersonating 12 people.
Why, that's almost a dozen.
And a dirty dozen at that.
- One thing I learned
from playin' a cop
was to advise captured
people of their rights.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you don't have to watch
this show if you don't want to.
- One sure way
to avoid flat feet
is to stuff a padded
bra into your socks.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- You know, some
guy, don't get scared.
- No. (audience laughs)
- Some guy asked me
if I wanted to join a
skydiving class with him.
- Well, what'd you tell him?
- I told him to go
take a flying leap.
(slide whistle descends)
(playful instrumental music)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall her to a day
Remember Uncle Freddy
and his musical saw
Miss Ally Rand who
worked in the raw
- Do you know what
happened to the psychiatrist
who murdered
one of his patients?
- No, what?
- He got the electric couch.
Hey!
- Woo!
(audience laughs)
- What do you get if you cross
a cow with Dale Carnegie?
- I don't know, what?
- The milk of human
kindness, woo!
(audience laughs)
- Well, look at that.
Do you know why birds
fly south for the winter?
- Huh?
- Do you know why birds
fly south in the winter?
- No, why?
- Because they
can't depend on train!
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Well, you know, my uncle
married a 400-pound woman.
- Does he love her?
- Love her, he worships the
very ground she sinks into!
(audience laughs)
- When I was in the
hospital last year,
I made up my mind to
sell my body to medicine.
- Why?
- I needed the money to
pay for all that medicine.
(audience laughs)
- Why did the superstitious man
want to be buried
with the rabbit's foot?
- I don't know, why?
- He wanted to be a lucky stiff.
(audience laughs)
- He wanted to pay
for all that medicine!
- Hey pal, can I get a loan?
- Eat a piece of garlic and
you'll be alone right now!
(audience laughs)
The great Houdini and Tetrazzini
Do you remember
Vaudeville Don't rest
Do you remember Vaudeville
(performers cheer)
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight, Dick and I
are going to be talking
to one of our country's
foremost politicians.
- Here, here.
- To get his views
on various subjects.
The honorable
Senator Philip Buster.
- Whoa-Ho!
(audience applauds)
Well, well, well, well.
- Senator, welcome.
My pleasure entirely.
- Senator, I must say,
it's a great pleasure
to have you here.
- Well, thank you Mr. Martin
and I must say, it's a
great pleasure to be had.
(audience laughs)
- Senator, do you
know where the polls
have George McGovern?
- You're gonna get right
down to business so fast?
- I would, yes.
- Where the polls have
George McGovern?
- Where do the polls
have George McGovern?
- Let me ask you, sir.
- What?
- Do you know where the
Cubans have Xavier Cugat?
- No. (audience laughs)
Or where the Nielsens
have Lawrence Welk?
- I wouldn't know
that. (audience laughs)
- Senator, quite seriously,
what do you think about
President Nixon's new tax bill?
- Yeah.
- Well, I can tell you
this much, gentlemen.
There are going to be some cuts.
- Cuts?
- Some cuts?
- Oh yes, I plan to get my cut.
- (laughs) I hope you get yours.
- Senator Thurmond's
gonna get his cut.
- Listen, Senator,
may I interject a word?
- Certainly.
- Thank you, that
won't be necessary.
- I'll stick it right in there.
- Do you think, do you think,
that the marijuana
problem is as bad as ever?
- Yes, in all seriousness, I do.
But it is not as bad
as the pain in my hand.
(audience laughs)
- Is it as bad as ever?
- No, it's not as bad
as the alcohol problem.
- Oh, is that so?
- Do you young men have any idea
how many drunks there
are in the United States
at this very moment?
- No, I don't.
- Well, the statistics
are staggering.
(audience laughs)
It's enough to knock
your mustache off.
- It is, too.
- Sorry, yes.
Oh, and I hope I know
what I'm talking about, too.
- I do, too.
(all laugh)
- Because, ladies and gentlemen,
I have recently traveled
the length and breadth
of this wonderful
nation of ours.
- Is that fine?
- And I'm happy
to report tonight
that the length of it is okay.
- Good.
- But the breath
of it is really bad.
- Oh, no. (all laugh)
- And now, from the beautiful
Downtown Burbank Airport
Landing Strip and Bowling Alley,
NBC, the
narrowly-beating-catastrophe network
takes a broad view on
catastrophic beatings
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the embodiment
of doggedness, Dan Rowan.
And the body of a
dachshund, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Jo Ann Pflug,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson,
and special appearances
by Steve Allen,
Carol Channing, Gene Hackman,
Charles Nelson
Riley, Gary Thomas,
John Wayne, and
behind Jerry Owens
with this advice to
girls with dingy hair,
discolored teeth,
and poor complexions.
Don't enter the Miss
America Contest, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- I am now going to take a
picture of this pair of shoes,
and the camera will let me
know when the picture's ready.
(camera clicks)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(camera whirs)
It says, your pictures will
be ready next Tuesday.
(audience laughs)
In all my years in the
entertainment world,
I've never had the
opportunity to introduce
two all-time greats
of show business.
Tonight, I keep
my record intact.
Here they are, Dick and Dan.
(upbeat jazz music)
(audience applauds)
- Never tempt them,
they might stop.
- That's true.
- Good evening, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight...
- Would you be surprised
if I asked you again,
would you be surprised if I
entered the Kentucky Derby?
- Well, no more
surprised than I was
when you entered the
Miss America contest.
- And I would
have won that, too,
if it hadn't been for that
stinking photographer.
- What photographer?
- The one that took a picture
of me dancing with Burt Park.
(audience laughs)
And he was leading.
- I thought it was
kind of a nice picture.
Lovely hat on.
- I have 'em in my den, yes.
- Well, what's this about
entering the Kentucky Derby?
- Well, I just bought a
racehorse for only $20.
- Well, why would anybody sell
you a racehorse for 20 bucks?
- Well, I guess it's
because he's so young,
he's only 18, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Only 18?
How are you gonna get
an 18-year-old horse to run?
- Simple, instead
of saying giddyup,
you see, you say, next!
And (whistles)
he takes right off.
- Next? (audience laughs)
- Yeah, you see,
when they found him,
he was second in
line in a glue factory.
(audience laughs) Next!
- Next.
- Oh, he's ready to run.
- That's gonna
get anybody going.
- Oh yeah, I'd go.
- He doesn't really
sound like a thoroughbred.
Did you get papers for him?
- Oh, he doesn't need papers.
As soon as he eats, I
take him right outside.
(audience laughs)
- Have you raced him yet?
- Oh, I raced him yesterday.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I beat him
by three lengths.
- I don't mean
racing against people.
- A couple of days
ago, he raced a chicken.
- A chicken, well
that's hardly fair.
A racehorse against a chicken.
- I know that, that's why I tied
one of the chicken's
legs behind its back.
(audience laughs)
- And you call that fair
when a chicken's
only using one leg?
- Well, the horse
has only three legs.
- Well, where's the other one?
- What other one?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I've heard enough.
Let's go to the quickies.
- You wanna see a
quickie, watch this.
- Next!
(chicken clucks)
Not you!
(horse whinnies)
Right!
Go!
- That's three-legged horse.
- That's right.
- Okay, you!
The matador on the roof!
Jump!
(playful instrumental music)
- Ole!
- Oh man, I'm so tired
of us livin' in a commune,
sharin' our minds and
our souls and our bodies
with everybody.
- What are we gonna do?
- I thought we might
join a wife-swappin' club.
(audience laughs)
- That's great, I could
swap you for a Honda.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you wanna see
your name in the paper?
- Yeah.
- Well read tomorrow's obituary.
(man groans) (audience laughs)
- I'd like two rooms please,
one for me and one for my wife.
- Why doesn't your
wife stay in your room?
- Oh, well she will, as
soon as she gets in town.
- Oh, okay.
(playful instrumental
music) (audience laughs)
- I need a vacation.
I'd like to just go somewhere
and not fool around
for a couple of days.
(audience laughs)
- In The French Connection,
why did they call you Popeye?
- Because the wardrobe guy
accidentally gave me a shirt
that was three inches too small.
- We should have
brought a game along
to keep us occupied
while we're up here.
- I did.
- Oh, what'd you bring?
- Darts.
(audience laughs)
(bells jingle)
- The Candlestick,
by John Wayne.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
and what he got, he earned.
'Cause when he jumped
over that candlestick,
he should have known
where he'd get burned.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- You think this is funny,
you should see my bow tie.
- Do I hafta?
You sure you won't
change your mind?
Ah, she's sore because I got
Susan tattooed on my chest.
She wants her
name right under it.
- All right, what's
your name, dear?
- Consuela Maria Angelica
Conchita Franchesca
Parmalita Margarita.
- I gotta gain weight.
(audience laughs)
- I know an Indian girl who
wears an electric headband.
She says it keeps her wig warm.
- What are you doing here?
- Joe sent me.
- Oh, come on in.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Oh!
- Oh!
- I'm not really sure
whether that joke
was tasteful or not.
As a matter of fact, I'm
not even sure it was a joke.
- Hey, could I buy you a drink?
You know, you and I could
make beautiful music together.
- If you wanna
make beautiful music,
why don't you go buy a
drink for Lawrence Whelk?
- For five years we've
been diggin' down here.
- Yeah.
Well, we better go back.
- Why?
- They're gonna miss this spoon.
- You know, my boyfriend
saw Mash over 100 times.
- Really?
He must really be
a big fan of mine.
- No, he's a projectionist.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- Oh, hello friends.
This is Chaplain Budharmer.
As you journey through life,
remember that there is
nothing to fear in the darkness.
Help!
(audience laughs)
- Can I take your luggage?
- Oh, sure.
- Funman Airline's
weekend special.
For three dollars and 42
cents, Burbank to New York,
the flight includes free
champagne and hors d'oeuvres,
and a camera for
harassing Jackie Onassis.
(playful instrumental music)
- Have you got 20 bucks?
- I'm sorry I don't.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Gold. (sobs)
I think my husband
is cheating on me.
- What makes you think that?
- Well, yesterday, when
we were playing poker,
he had five aces.
(audience laughs)
- A lot of people think
I'm an overnight success,
but that's not true.
When I first came to Hollywood,
it took me two nights
to get established.
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
you can decide to declare
my client guilty or not guilty.
All I can say to you is,
say the magic word and split
a hundred bucks amongst you.
(symbol crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Gimme an L, gimme
a I, gimme F and a T,
I need a lift, I need a lift.
I need a lift.
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, tell me, tiny,
tiny, tiny, tiny Tim,
how does it feel
to be a family man?
- A family what?
- And now, I'd very
much like you to meet
some very wonderful,
wonderful wonderful people.
Over here, we have a
very delightful comedienne,
Phyllis Diller, where
are you Phyllis?
Uh-huh.
Now, over here, we have
the ever-popular Lassie.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Lassie's over here.
You see. (whistles)
(audience laughs)
- Well, how did you
like the quickies?
- Well, I missed them.
- Missed the quickies?
- Yes, I took my horse
out for some exercise,
and then of course I
had to give him a bath.
- Oh, he get all sweated up?
- No, every time he runs,
he gets grass stains
on his stomach, though.
(horse whinnies)
Next!
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) You've done an
awful lot of Dean Martin shows.
- Oh, tell me, I got a car.
- How did you pass the audition?
- Well, my dear child,
you don't pass the audition
to get on that particular
show, you flunk (chuckles)
the sobriety test.
(audience laughs)
- Yes. (giggles)
- I've done so many Westerns,
the other day I drove
into Beverly Hills
and tied my car to
the parking meter.
- My uncle is with
the Buffalo Symphony.
- He is, what does he play?
- E flat buffalo.
- Senator, I have a vitally
important question for you.
- It's about time for one.
- What can we do to
reduce hunger in America?
- Eat.
(audience laughs)
- Eat.
That'll stop it right away.
- Is that so?
- Yes.
- Well, I'll never forget
when I did the picture
Sands of Iwo Jima, I had the
feeling that one of the actors
was a little too
young for the part.
Instead of a rifle, he
stormed the beach
with a pail and shovel.
- Senator, I have a question
which was sent in
by George Meanie.
- Oh really?
- Yes.
What do you think of
the Taft-Hartley Act?
- Well, I thought they could
have cut the tap dance number.
(audience laughs)
- I took a tour of the Mogen
David Winery the other day
and I accidentally fell
into one of the vats,
but I was all right.
I came out smellin'
like a Rosen.
- Charles Nelson Riley, baby!
(Charles laughs)
Hey, how do you fix a lamb chop?
- I don't know, I've
never broken one!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you're Mrs.
Wasson's dog, aren't you?
My name is Edith Anne,
and I'm five years old,
and I don't have to say
nothin' if I don't want to.
When Mama and Papa
went to the movies,
I went in the kitchen,
and I ate a whole
box of dog biscuits.
And when they came home,
they thought Buster ate 'em.
And they spanked
him with a newspaper.
And he didn't tell on me.
I think he would be a good spy.
That's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, have you ever seen
my client with the deceased.
- Uh, no.
- Have you ever seen my
client outside this courtroom?
- No.
- Have you seen my lunch?
I haven't had a
bite since breakfast.
(audience laughs)
- Hey gang, I'm glad
you stayed around
because it's time to take
a look at the Mod World,
and tonight we have a beauty.
This Mod World...
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
- What?
- Have you seen a golf ball?
- No, I haven't
seen a golf ball.
- Well, you're not missin' much,
they're just little white
things with dents in 'em.
- I know what they
look like, you ding dong.
- Well, good.
You can help me find mine, then.
- Well, what's it doing in here?
- Well, it just happens
to be the third hole
of the Dick Martin
Indoor Country Club
and Part-Time TV Studio.
- Do you mind if I play through?
- Oh, hey how you doin'?
- Not too good, I took a
seven in the men's room.
(Dick groans)
- This has to be the dumbest
thing you have ever tried.
- No, the dumbest
thing I've ever tried
was tap dancing in a swamp.
(audience laughs)
Woo!
- I don't even want
to think about it.
You look a lot
like Tony Jacklin.
Did you see him in a Brosby?
Yeah, he was there
in his knickerbockers,
or whatever you
used to call those.
You play golf every
day of your life,
you don't show
up for rehearsals,
you're out playing golf.
- Love it, it love it.
- After work, you play golf,
you play golf on Saturdays,
you play golf every Sunday.
Anybody plays that much
golf has to be a fanatic.
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire?
- Au contraire, I know
Presbyterians who do the same thing
if they have a chance.
(audience laughs)
- Well what is this sudden
mad interest in golf?
- Money.
- Money?
- Why, do you know,
speaking of Tony Jacklin,
do you know that he makes
over $100 a week last year,
just playing golf?
- Oh please, wait a minute.
Jacklin, Nicklaus,
Trevino, those guys make
over $200,000 a year.
- Well, almost 100 a week.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you're not gonna
quit show business
to become a pro.
Surely, you're not that stupid.
- I certainly am.
(audience laughs)
- Well, you can't compete
against golf professionals.
- You haven't seen me lately.
You know, I hit the ball
almost every time
I swing at it now?
- Oh, well then you're ready.
- Fore!
- What is that?
- Wait a minute,
I have to do this.
- You got a new swing?
- Ah, yeah.
Now, see, put the ball there.
- Stand back, folks. (chuckles)
- You wanna see the
world's shortest back swing?
(whistle blows)
(audience laughs)
- Get back here.
You just wanna go ahead
and hit the ball without.
- Alrighty.
(ball zooms) (glass shatters)
(ball zooms) (audience laughs)
(chicken clucks)
(horse whinnies)
- Let's take a look at
the Mod World of Sex.
- I've just joined a new
psychology class, dear.
It's called primal
scream therapy.
- Primal scream?
Sounds stupid.
- Well, it works.
It's based on the principle
of releasing inhibitions
by expressing
repressed frustrations
through emitting a shriek
called a primal scream.
- Mm.
Still sounds stupid.
How much does the thing cost.
- Oh, it's only $50 a session.
(man screams)
Everyone talks about
marriage and sex
Marriage and sex
They're pains in the necks
The bane of existence
you have to agree
But I'd sure like
to try one and see
Just for research
I'd sure like to try one and see
- Oh please.
Please?
Oh, pretty please,
just once, let me try?
(audience laughs)
- Mm-Hm.
- Are you married?
- Huh?
- Are you married?
- Oh, yes of course.
- Uh-Huh.
Can you prove it?
- Sure, go up to room
608 and ask his wife.
(audience laughs)
- To say that love and
sex go hand in hand
well, that's to completely
misunderstand anatomy.
Golly I dreamed
of a wonderful gal
Golda Meir, built like Raquel
Just as the courtship
was giving off steam
I found it was only a
dream Golly, Sargent!
Another impossible dream
(audience applauds)
- I do.
- I want you to know, darling,
I'll always love and honor
and cherish and obey.
I do.
And I want a maid,
and my own car,
and I want my
mother to live with us.
(audience laughs)
- Go, go, go!
(audience laughs)
- My girlfriend
practices virtue,
but fortunately, she's
not too good at it.
- (giggles) You should
have been with me last night.
I ate 50 pounds of oysters
and then I went out an
ambushed a fish peddler.
(audience laughs)
(ball zooms)
(glass shatters)
- I want my money back
on all of these books.
They ruined my marriage.
- Ah, well what books
do you have there?
- Well, I have the sensuous man.
- Yes.
- The sensuous woman.
- Uh-huh.
- The sensuous couple.
- That should have
done something.
- You and Your Sex Life.
- Me?
- Mm-Hm.
Any Woman Can.
All of these books.
- Well, what happened?
- Nothing.
All we did was read.
(woman laughs)
Marriage is really
a bummer at best
Been married for years,
and I'm still unimpressed
I tell the mister
when meetin' the folks
You're just someone
to laugh at may jokes.
Remember the one about
the two nuns in the
taxi cab? (laughs)
You're just someone to
laugh at my jokes (laughs)
Hard as a rock.
- Women's lib is
tending to reverse
traditional family roles.
Someday, husbands
will wait in their houses
for their wives to
come home from work.
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- How did things
go at work tonight?
- Lousy, same old
bump and grind.
- Oh yeah?
You think you've got it bad?
You don't know how
rough it is here at home.
I mean workin' and
slavin' and tryin' to live
on the bare necessities.
- Well, it's the
bare necessities
that puts the
food on this table.
- Oh yeah, I'd give
the shirt off my back
to get out of here
and go back to a job.
- Well, I'd like to go
someplace and get outta here,
where I don't have to
give the shirt off my back,
you know what I mean?
You know what happened
to me tonight, huh?
Some lousy creep jumped
up right on the stage
in the middle of my act.
- No kiddin', what'd you do?
- Well, I just bumped him off.
- Yeah, well you
should've been here today.
- Oh, what happened honey?
- Well, first of all, I
washed your B-string.
- That's a G-string.
- Not anymore, it shrunk.
(audience laughs)
And then the dog ate
one of your pasties.
- The dog ate one of my pasties?
What am I gonna
do tomorrow night?
That's important
for my act, huh?
- Don't worry about it,
I sewed a sequin on
an old checker (laughs).
- All right, honey. (laughs)
Hi.
Well, we both had a busy day.
Listen, I'll just go
into the bathroom,
and I'll change
into my nightgown.
- Why are doin' that?
Why can't you change here?
- Well, you know I can't stand
to have anybody watch me
undress that hasn't paid admission.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
(ball zooms)
(cans clatter)
Say what you will, I
think marriage is nice
Some try it once,
some try it twice
I'm just a poor girl
who's tried it a lot
Just look at the goodies I got
Cost a fortune.
Just look at the goodies I got.
Oh, boy.
- You know, you're so
selfish and inconsiderate.
I don't know why I
ever married you.
- What are you
talkin' about, Jan?
We're not married.
- Yeah, see how selfish
and inconsiderate you are?
(audience laughs)
- Sir, I know you hired
the nuisance, Mr. Don Roe,
to take all the sex references
out of our TV shows,
but I think he's carrying
things just a little bit too far.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I had lunch
with him today
at the NBC commissary.
- Yes.
- And he made them change the
menu to read bosom of chicken.
- I hope you don't
mind me telling you this,
but a friend of mine just
joined the kiss of the month club.
- I don't think I've
ever heard of that club.
- Well, you probably know
it under its other name.
Marriage.
- (laughs) Oh, I say.
My son just married
wonderful girl
Heart beating
fast, head in a whirl
I know we'll have
such a wonderful life
The day he gets rid of that wife
She's a dingbat.
The day he gets rid
of that wife. (sobs)
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Well, so much for
tonight's Mod World.
- Fore!
(ball zooms) (audience laughs)
- What happened to you?
- Boy, that 18th
hole is a beauty.
- It is, eh?
- It's in Dean Martin's
dressing room.
(audience laughs)
- How did you do?
- I don't know, but we
had a marvelous time.
85 shots!
But there was
just the three of us.
(audience laughs)
Have you seen my golf ball?
- No.
- It's a little round
thing, about this size.
- The Burbank chapter of the
Jacques Cousteau Fan Club
has arranged for him a
nine dollar hotel room,
some cheap champagne,
and an overly-friendly squid.
(audience laughs)
- I saw a movie at
the drive in last night
that as so sad,
my car broke down.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(playful instrumental music)
(club smacks)
(ball squishes)
(audience laughs)
(club thuds)
(audience laughs and applauds)
(slide whistle ascends)
(audience laughs)
(cake squishes)
- You know, with
these glasses of mine,
I can see just what you
folks are doing at home.
(giggles) Shame, shame
on you, you houligans.
- Mr. Wayne, sir.
Why do they call you The Duke?
- 'Cause when they
called me the princess,
I punched 'em in the mouth.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- I better go back and return
this spoon to the cafeteria.
- Why?
- It's got egg on it.
- Gee, I haven't had
an egg in a week.
- I've tried shaving
my mustache off,
but every time I
do, it grows back.
- The district attorney claims
that your client is a
cold-blooded killer.
- I'm not surprised.
But can my client help it if
he feels physically threatened
by 14 blindfolded men
standing against a garage wall?
I ask you, can he?
- Sir, I did not come here this
evening to be hornswoggled.
- You didn't?
- Nobody's gonna swoggle my horn
and expect me to stand idly by.
Am I right gang?
Yes, right!
- Right!
In Dublin's fair city
the Colleens are pretty
But ain't it a pity
the nitty's so gritty
Each Sharon and Hattie,
each Terrence and Matty
Are dressin' real naughty
on Saint Patty's Day
What's the news
across the nation
We have locked the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love to
give you our views
La da da dee da
The Ryans, O'Briens,
the Cocklins and Lynch
The Connellys, Donellys,
Farkles, and Finch
The Seamus O'Gradys and
Gradys all look at the news
With O'Dick and O'Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now, the Laugh-In News
with Dow Jones taking stock,
the aerospace
industry taking a knock,
the general economy
taking shock,
and Governor Reagan
taking H & R Block.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Independence, Missouri,
former president Harry S.
Truman is writing his memoirs
about his early experiences
as a haberdasher.
- [Dan] As a what?
- As a haberdasher.
- [Dan] Oh, for men's clothing.
(audience laughs)
- I believe so.
He's titling the book
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know about Socks
But Were Afraid to Ask.
(audience laughs)
Kind of a play on words, there.
News of the present.
- [Dan] Well, not really.
- Not really. (chuckles)
Highland Park, ill.
- [Dan] Illinois.
- Illinois, I'm sorry.
Tragedy struck today at
the annual Re-ung-carnation.
- Re-ung-Carnation?
- Yes, they misspelled it.
(audience laughs)
Tragedy struck
today at the annual
Reincarnation Society Picnic,
when a sudden bolt of
lightening struck everybody.
However, two hours later
they all returned as ants
and finished lunch.
(audience laughs)
And now for news of
the future, Dan Do-over.
- This is the news
20 years from now.
The secretary of
commerce announced today
that phase three was
such a total success,
that in recognition of his
economic achievement,
former president
Richard M. Nixon's picture
will appear on the
new $18 post card.
(audience laughs)
News of the future,
one year from now.
In keeping with the religious
movement sweeping the country,
Disney World today
opened a new attraction
called The Bible Land,
featuring all the loaves and fishes
you can eat for 29 cents.
(audience laughs)
And a reading of the scriptures,
according to Matthew,
Mark, Luke, and John
as told as Sneezy,
Grumpy, Dopey, Doc,
Sleepy, George, and Ed.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, folks.
Busy Buzzi here, scampering
around scandalous scandaldom
with all the gossip goodies
in Tinseltown's trunk.
(chuckles) Here's
a heartbreaker.
Tina and Lance Proudfoot
have finally announced
the failure of their last
attempt at reconciliation
following their second divorce
prior to their third remarriage.
This resulted in the
first divorce ever to come
before the marriage.
The legal complications
of the final settlement
were only solved when each
was given custody of the other.
(audience laughs)
Busy Buzzi saying bye
bye, ta ta, and kissy-kissy.
- We're here in the Swiss Alps
to interview the world's
champion yodeler.
Tell me, how did
yodeling get started.
- Well, it was originally a
warning of approaching danger.
- And how did that go?
(woman yodels)
(audience laughs)
- Didn't you hear me warn you?
- Huh?
- Now, here as Eric
Clarify to explain
the significance of hand
gestures in public speaking.
- That's correct, thank you.
Now many public
speakers are in the habit
of using your hand gestures.
Now, this is wrong.
It's one hundred percent wrong.
Too many people use
hand gestures as a crutch.
Now, to overcome this problem,
I recommend putting
your hands in your pockets,
for instance, like this.
Now, many people who
put their hands in a position
where they can't use them
can't think of anything to say.
But, um. (sighs)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now for an
interview by Telstar
with Sir Reginald
Piffington in London.
- You are Sir
Reginald Piffington.
- Uh, right.
The Duke of Earl.
Or, as I'm known around
the club, good old Number 38.
- Good old Number 38?
- Yeah, that means if 37
people ahead of me pop off,
I shall be the King of England.
- Oh, you're in
line for the throne.
And what are you
doing in the meantime?
- Well, mostly sittin' at home,
waitin' for the
telephone to ring.
I mean, how would you like it
for your big chance to come,
and you be out of town?
They'd just go on to number 39!
(audience laughs)
- Well, suppose you become king.
What would you do?
- Abdicate.
- Abdicate, why
would you do that?
- Well, how would you like
to be sittin' on that throne,
just knowin' there
were 50 or 60 people
just waitin' for you
to kick the bucket?
- At a hotel in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
the traditional bellboys are
being replaced by bell girls.
So far, the experiment
is a complete success.
- Now let's see, that's
Mr. Dwight Newton,
from San Francisco?
- Uh-Huh.
- I hope you enjoy
your stay, Mr. Newton.
- Thank you. (bell rings)
- Front, boy.
- That's a bellboy?
- Yeah.
Bernie here will show
you to your room.
- Bernie?
- Bernie, yes, it's
short for Bernice.
- Lady bellhop?
What in the world made you
wanna become a lady bellhop?
- I wasn't built good enough
to be a longshoreman.
- I'm sorry, I can't let a
sweet little thing like this
carry that luggage!
That's a masculine job.
- I understand, sir.
(bell rings)
- Front!
- Ah, here I am!
(audience laughs)
A masculine job. (giggles)
Come on, little
fella, I'll check you in.
- Wait a minute.
I'll go with you
and check him out.
(audience laughs)
- Hopefully, we'll
check each other out.
- And that's the way it is,
Labor Day, April 1st 1776.
La da dee da
The Ryans, O'Briens,
McLaughlins, and Spencers
(women mumbling melodically)
(audience laughs)
- I like nudity in the movies.
It's easier for the fans to tell
who has the best parts.
(audience laughs)
(women mumble melodically)
- You know, when I was a kid,
I was so dumb that all I
wanted to be when I grew up
was a nun.
- That is dumb.
- Yeah, especially
when I found out
you can make more
money as an airline hostess.
(audience laughs)
- You get to wear
those cute little hats, too.
(women mumble melodically)
- Senator, I notice you
keep rubbing your hands.
- Yes, Mr. Rowan, I'm suffering
from a terrible
case of frostbite.
- You are?
- Yes, on the way into
the studio this evening,
I was bitten by David Frost.
- Oh, let me see.
(audience laughs)
(women mumble and
laugh) (audience applauds)
- I always wanted to
play the part of a gangster,
but my horse wouldn't
fit in the getaway car.
(audience laughs)
It's no funnier that way.
- In regard to the war,
would you describe
yourself as a hawk or a dove?
- Well, chicken is more like it.
- Senator, I understand
that in World War II,
you served in the
Pacific Theater.
- That's true, sir, I did.
The Pacific Theater
on Ventura Boulevard.
(audience laughs)
I was head of the ushers there.
- But you did serve on
an island during the Pacific
during the war, didn't you?
- Yes, I did!
The island was Alcatraz.
(audience laughs)
- When you cross a
kleptomaniac with a surgeon,
you get someone who'll
steal your heart away.
Sad, sad, sad!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Oh, thank you.
- Jerry, why do you have
that space between your teeth?
- Why?
- Hm, why?
- Well, how else
would the cat get in?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, of course! (laughs)
- So, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
I'm gonna show you that my
client is not guilty of robbery
or of embezzling.
- Embezzling?
But he's been accused of murder.
- Well, two out of three
ought to be good
enough to get him off.
(uptempo dance music)
- Mash was really an
effective anti-war film.
Do you realize that
since it came out,
we've only had one war?
Woo!
- Woo!
Of course, of course
medical bills are going up,
I mean, so are
doctors' expenses.
Do you know what
a set of nine irons
plus a new golf bag costs today?
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Hey Wanda, you wanna
come up to my place
and celebrate Thanksgiving?
- But Thanksgiving's
not until January.
(audience laughs)
(audience member yells)
- That's close!
(uptempo dance music)
- Hey Wanda, you wanna
come up to my place
and celebrate Thanksgiving?
- But Thanksgiving
isn't until November.
- Mm, I know, but by that time,
look at all we'll have
to be thankful for.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- One of my fellow clergymen
serves at a parish in
such a tough neighborhood.
He now concludes the
wedding ceremonies with
you may now kiss the broad.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Oh! (giggles)
I joined weight watchers
to lose 20 pounds,
so I had to put
up a sign that says
business as usual
during remodeling.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- You know, Ronald Reagan
wanted to grow up to be
either a movie
star or a politician.
He did both.
Now he walks around
acting like a governor.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- I got such wonderful
wedding gifts.
Everyone gave us things we
really needed, like baby clothes.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Woo!
A friend of mine went
to a masquerade party
dressed a horse.
- [Man] As a what?
- As a horse!
And he stumbled
and broke his leg.
Some guy dressed
as a cowboy shot him.
Woo!
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
(Lily cackles)
- Do you think
President Nixon was mad
when Henry Kissinger's little
boy talked about Red China?
- Well, he must have been.
I hear the president's
tryin' to figure out a way
to lower the draft age to 10!
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- You know, they
say in every fat man
is a skinny man
tryin' to get out.
Not in me.
Where else could
I eat this good?
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Ah, I've just come up
with a great new invention
for married couples
with waterbeds.
- Really, what is it?
- Well, it's a combination
birth control and sea sick pill.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
(audience applauds)
- Remember, if you're
within the sound of my voice,
there's a television
set near you.
- Here's a beauty
tip to all you girls.
If you paint a
crosswalk on your face,
you greatly reduce the chances
of having a pedestrian
killed while standing on it.
- There's nothing really unusual
about The French Connection.
So it was shot in New York.
These days, who isn't?
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- One ringy dingy. (snorts)
Two ringy dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. James R. Hoffa?
The former 186-3321?
(audience laughs)
What do you mean,
how did I know that?
Listen MaBel's had your
number for a long time.
(audience laughs)
Now listen, Mr. Hoffa,
our records show
that you made a couple
of long distance calls
from the penitentiary.
And now that you've
paid your debt to society,
maybe you'll pay your
debt to the phone company.
(audience laughs)
What's that?
Oh, it had to be you.
Who else would be making calls
from the big house
to the White House?
Look, Jim, you just out
from being up the river.
If you fool around with MaBel,
you're gonna be up
the creek. (snorts)
Hello?
Hello?
- Oh, Miss Pflug, when
I'm alone with a man,
what's the best way to show
my desires as a woman?
- Well, I usually turn
the lights down low,
put on some romantic music.
- Mm-kay.
- But in your case, I'd
recommend pointing.
- Oh, at what?
(audience laughs)
- Senator?
- Yeah.
- In the last election, did
you cater to special interests
or did you have broad support?
- Broad support, sir.
As a matter of fact, I can
claim that I have the support
of every broad in my
part of the country.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get my had
and go with you.
- Thank you.
- I had to get rid
of my plumber.
- How come?
- (giggles) He kept
stopping up every night.
- Did he bring his helper?
- (giggles) Oh, you
mad man, of course.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Terry, since
you've been living here,
do you miss the Queen?
- No, as a matter
of fact, I don't.
It's nice of you to
ask me, of course,
but there are so many
right here in Hollywood
who remind me of her.
(audience laughs)
- Nurse, what do I have
to do to get out of here?
- Just give me the names
of the six men you
want to carry ya.
(audience laughs)
- Order, order in the court.
- Oh, that's terrific.
I'll have a ham on
rye and a large coffee.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna charge you for that.
- Okay, but don't
forget, you get dinner.
- Did the plumber
come and fix the leak?
- Yes, he just finished.
- Oh, good.
- And here's my bill.
- Financial advisors said today
that Humpty Dumpty is broke.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, boy!
- Hi honeys, we're home!
(group chatters excitedly)
- [Narrator] You know, many
people claim that marriage is,
as we know it, today
is on its way out,
and that maybe in the future,
we will all follow
the hippie example
and turn to communal marriages.
- How did things go
at work today, dears?
- Terrific!
- Rotten.
- Fair.
- I got fired.
- Great.
- Ah, gee.
- That's life.
- Well, you'll find another one.
- Before we go any further,
let's make sure we've
got the right combinations
for tonight, okay?
- [Man] Good idea - Dave!
- Yeah, yeah.
- You're gonna be with Shirley.
- Hi, Shirley.
- Herby, you'll be with Diane.
- No, that's not
Diane, that's Sally.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're with Sally,
you're with Diane,
and I'm with Leonora, right?
Well, here we are!
- Surprise!
We've got a headache!
(audience laughs)
- Did you just give
me a dirty look?
- You got a dirty look,
but I didn't give it to ya.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Tonight, we were
supposed to bring you
a touching love story.
Unfortunately, the
censors said there was
a little too much touching.
(audience laughs)
- Hey bartender?
- Yeah, what do you want?
- My compliments!
This is a very dry wine.
- It's the kind
you always drink.
You just forgot to take
the cork outta the bottle.
(audience laughs)
- (giggles) Congratulate
us, barkeep!
- What for?
- For standing on
these stools for an hour
without falling off.
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
Hey, where'd he go?
Wait!
- A friend of mine got a
hernia from playing horseshoes.
Nobody told him
you're supposed to take
'em off the horse first.
(audience laughs)
- Charles Nelson Riley at last.
Here on Laugh-In.
- Yeah, my luck finally ran out.
(audience laughs)
- I make tough movies because
I think men should be men
and women should be women,
and half the people in
Hollywood live by that.
- You wanna pass the soap?
- Okay.
Frankly, this isn't
what I expected
when the desk clerk
said I'd be sharing a bath.
- I'm very pleased.
Terrific view.
(audience laughs)
- I've never missed
a Laugh-In show yet.
I've never seen one
and I've never missed it.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- First of all, however,
I would like to make
an announcement.
- You would like to
make an announcement?
- To all of you honeymooners
who are watching this show,
just send $25 to
me, Dick Martin,
and I'll send you a
shiny new quarter.
- Wait a minute, why
would anyone fall for that?
- Anyone who's stupid
enough to watch this show
on his honeymoon
will fall for anything.
(audience laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, honeymooners!
Good night, everybody!
(audience applauds)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, uh, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Mr. Dick.
- Good night, Dick! (laughs)
- Night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- We got a headache.
(audience laughs)
- Ha!
- Ha!
- What would you get if
you crossed George Burns
and the June Taylor Dancers?
- I don't know, what?
- You'd get 137 people
who can't sing, woo!
- Ruth!
- What?
- What do you get if you
cross a cat with a lemon?
- A sour puss.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Aw.
- (Laughs) What do you get
if you cross a quiz show emcee
with marine marching band?
- I don't know, what?
- The Monte Halls of Montezuma.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Oh, it's so wonderful
to be called that.
- What do you get if cross
lighter fluid with a hair tonic?
- I haven't the foggiest.
- Third degree side burns!
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Martin.
- Yes, Danny.
- Sir.
- Yes.
- What do you get
if you cross a cow
with deactivated bombs?
- I don't know, what?
- Milk dud.
(audience laughs)
- Woo!
- What do you get if
you cross a porno film
with forest lawn?
- I have no idea, what?
- The Naked and the Dead.
- I thought we were in a hive.
(Dick laughs)
What do you get when
you cross a phonograph reel
with a Wayne Newton record?
- I don't know, what?
- A earache that takes
three phone cards.
- Rinky-dinky-Do!
- What did he say?
Yes?
- What do you get if
you cross a kangaroo
with an automobile,
with an automobile!
- I don't know, I don't know!
- (laughs) A car hop.
- A car hop!
- Oh, that laugh was nothin'.
- Oh, I agree.
- What do you get...
- Ow!
(audience laughs)
Oh, meant, medic!
- What do you get when
you cross a cow with a man,
a cow, yes?
- Yes, that's right.
- Who has lost his memory?
- A cow who has lost his memory?
I don't know, what?
- Milk of amnesia.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Yes!
- Now, what do you
get when you cross
the Pentagon with a parrot?
- I don't know, what?
- I don't know,
but when it talks,
nobody believes it!
- A car hop!
(audience laughs)
- This program is prerecorded
and will self destruct
in two seconds,
so there will be no
evidence against the cast.
- The president of Vasoline
at a golf tournament.
(whistle ascends)
(audience laughs)
(playful kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
(person claps)
and gentlemen,
our special guest
is one of the stars
of a great movie, Mash.
- The lovely and talented
Miss Jo Ann Pflug.
- That's Pflug, Jo Anne
Plug, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you, Dan, very much.
A special thank
you to you, Dick,
for all you did for me.
- Thank you.
Well, thank you. (chuckles)
Did you ever hear the story
about the two Irishmen...
- Wait, wait, hold,
hold, hold, wait a minute.
What do you mean
for all he did for you?
- Well, it was just
wonderful of him
to share his dressing
room with me,
I mean, after mine was
destroyed by the big fire.
(audience laughs)
- What big fire?
- You see, these two Irishmen,
one of 'em says to the other...
- Wait, will you stop
with that dumb joke?
- Well, that isn't
all he did for me.
- Oh, really?
- I mean, he helped me rehearse
my really big striptease
number for the show.
- What big striptease number?
(audience laughs)
- Well, (chuckles) the one where
I drink two bottles of champagne
and run around on
the furniture naked.
- Excuse me, excuse
me for a minute.
Excuse me.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
This is the lowest
you've ever stooped,
for crying out loud.
Having this lovely girl
rehearse a fictitious strip number,
drink all that champagne,
and then make her run
around on the furniture naked!
You ought to be ashamed.
- Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Dan.
Now don't blame
him for everything.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean the running
around on the furniture naked
was my idea.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, Jo Ann,
I wanna run over the Lady
Godiva number with you.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Mr. Wayne, uh, John, (giggles)
why do you like making
Western movies so much?
- Well, because in
Westerns, men are men
and women are women,
and their ain't too much of that
going' on around
here these days.
(audience laughs)
- Woo, I bet!
- I truly admire Sammy Davis.
Both he and I have black roots.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury.
- I'm not the jury,
I'm the judge.
- Well, I that case you
should be locked up
for impersonating 12 people.
Why, that's almost a dozen.
And a dirty dozen at that.
- One thing I learned
from playin' a cop
was to advise captured
people of their rights.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you don't have to watch
this show if you don't want to.
- One sure way
to avoid flat feet
is to stuff a padded
bra into your socks.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- You know, some
guy, don't get scared.
- No. (audience laughs)
- Some guy asked me
if I wanted to join a
skydiving class with him.
- Well, what'd you tell him?
- I told him to go
take a flying leap.
(slide whistle descends)
(playful instrumental music)
Does anybody here
remember Vaudeville
Does anyone recall her to a day
Remember Uncle Freddy
and his musical saw
Miss Ally Rand who
worked in the raw
- Do you know what
happened to the psychiatrist
who murdered
one of his patients?
- No, what?
- He got the electric couch.
Hey!
- Woo!
(audience laughs)
- What do you get if you cross
a cow with Dale Carnegie?
- I don't know, what?
- The milk of human
kindness, woo!
(audience laughs)
- Well, look at that.
Do you know why birds
fly south for the winter?
- Huh?
- Do you know why birds
fly south in the winter?
- No, why?
- Because they
can't depend on train!
- Oh!
- Ooh!
Well, you know, my uncle
married a 400-pound woman.
- Does he love her?
- Love her, he worships the
very ground she sinks into!
(audience laughs)
- When I was in the
hospital last year,
I made up my mind to
sell my body to medicine.
- Why?
- I needed the money to
pay for all that medicine.
(audience laughs)
- Why did the superstitious man
want to be buried
with the rabbit's foot?
- I don't know, why?
- He wanted to be a lucky stiff.
(audience laughs)
- He wanted to pay
for all that medicine!
- Hey pal, can I get a loan?
- Eat a piece of garlic and
you'll be alone right now!
(audience laughs)
The great Houdini and Tetrazzini
Do you remember
Vaudeville Don't rest
Do you remember Vaudeville
(performers cheer)
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight, Dick and I
are going to be talking
to one of our country's
foremost politicians.
- Here, here.
- To get his views
on various subjects.
The honorable
Senator Philip Buster.
- Whoa-Ho!
(audience applauds)
Well, well, well, well.
- Senator, welcome.
My pleasure entirely.
- Senator, I must say,
it's a great pleasure
to have you here.
- Well, thank you Mr. Martin
and I must say, it's a
great pleasure to be had.
(audience laughs)
- Senator, do you
know where the polls
have George McGovern?
- You're gonna get right
down to business so fast?
- I would, yes.
- Where the polls have
George McGovern?
- Where do the polls
have George McGovern?
- Let me ask you, sir.
- What?
- Do you know where the
Cubans have Xavier Cugat?
- No. (audience laughs)
Or where the Nielsens
have Lawrence Welk?
- I wouldn't know
that. (audience laughs)
- Senator, quite seriously,
what do you think about
President Nixon's new tax bill?
- Yeah.
- Well, I can tell you
this much, gentlemen.
There are going to be some cuts.
- Cuts?
- Some cuts?
- Oh yes, I plan to get my cut.
- (laughs) I hope you get yours.
- Senator Thurmond's
gonna get his cut.
- Listen, Senator,
may I interject a word?
- Certainly.
- Thank you, that
won't be necessary.
- I'll stick it right in there.
- Do you think, do you think,
that the marijuana
problem is as bad as ever?
- Yes, in all seriousness, I do.
But it is not as bad
as the pain in my hand.
(audience laughs)
- Is it as bad as ever?
- No, it's not as bad
as the alcohol problem.
- Oh, is that so?
- Do you young men have any idea
how many drunks there
are in the United States
at this very moment?
- No, I don't.
- Well, the statistics
are staggering.
(audience laughs)
It's enough to knock
your mustache off.
- It is, too.
- Sorry, yes.
Oh, and I hope I know
what I'm talking about, too.
- I do, too.
(all laugh)
- Because, ladies and gentlemen,
I have recently traveled
the length and breadth
of this wonderful
nation of ours.
- Is that fine?
- And I'm happy
to report tonight
that the length of it is okay.
- Good.
- But the breath
of it is really bad.
- Oh, no. (all laugh)
- And now, from the beautiful
Downtown Burbank Airport
Landing Strip and Bowling Alley,
NBC, the
narrowly-beating-catastrophe network
takes a broad view on
catastrophic beatings
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the embodiment
of doggedness, Dan Rowan.
And the body of a
dachshund, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Jo Ann Pflug,
and Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin
with Dennis Allen, Johnny Brown,
Barbara Sharma, Richard Dawson,
and special appearances
by Steve Allen,
Carol Channing, Gene Hackman,
Charles Nelson
Riley, Gary Thomas,
John Wayne, and
behind Jerry Owens
with this advice to
girls with dingy hair,
discolored teeth,
and poor complexions.
Don't enter the Miss
America Contest, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- I am now going to take a
picture of this pair of shoes,
and the camera will let me
know when the picture's ready.
(camera clicks)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(camera whirs)
It says, your pictures will
be ready next Tuesday.
(audience laughs)
In all my years in the
entertainment world,
I've never had the
opportunity to introduce
two all-time greats
of show business.
Tonight, I keep
my record intact.
Here they are, Dick and Dan.
(upbeat jazz music)
(audience applauds)
- Never tempt them,
they might stop.
- That's true.
- Good evening, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight...
- Would you be surprised
if I asked you again,
would you be surprised if I
entered the Kentucky Derby?
- Well, no more
surprised than I was
when you entered the
Miss America contest.
- And I would
have won that, too,
if it hadn't been for that
stinking photographer.
- What photographer?
- The one that took a picture
of me dancing with Burt Park.
(audience laughs)
And he was leading.
- I thought it was
kind of a nice picture.
Lovely hat on.
- I have 'em in my den, yes.
- Well, what's this about
entering the Kentucky Derby?
- Well, I just bought a
racehorse for only $20.
- Well, why would anybody sell
you a racehorse for 20 bucks?
- Well, I guess it's
because he's so young,
he's only 18, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Only 18?
How are you gonna get
an 18-year-old horse to run?
- Simple, instead
of saying giddyup,
you see, you say, next!
And (whistles)
he takes right off.
- Next? (audience laughs)
- Yeah, you see,
when they found him,
he was second in
line in a glue factory.
(audience laughs) Next!
- Next.
- Oh, he's ready to run.
- That's gonna
get anybody going.
- Oh yeah, I'd go.
- He doesn't really
sound like a thoroughbred.
Did you get papers for him?
- Oh, he doesn't need papers.
As soon as he eats, I
take him right outside.
(audience laughs)
- Have you raced him yet?
- Oh, I raced him yesterday.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I beat him
by three lengths.
- I don't mean
racing against people.
- A couple of days
ago, he raced a chicken.
- A chicken, well
that's hardly fair.
A racehorse against a chicken.
- I know that, that's why I tied
one of the chicken's
legs behind its back.
(audience laughs)
- And you call that fair
when a chicken's
only using one leg?
- Well, the horse
has only three legs.
- Well, where's the other one?
- What other one?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I've heard enough.
Let's go to the quickies.
- You wanna see a
quickie, watch this.
- Next!
(chicken clucks)
Not you!
(horse whinnies)
Right!
Go!
- That's three-legged horse.
- That's right.
- Okay, you!
The matador on the roof!
Jump!
(playful instrumental music)
- Ole!
- Oh man, I'm so tired
of us livin' in a commune,
sharin' our minds and
our souls and our bodies
with everybody.
- What are we gonna do?
- I thought we might
join a wife-swappin' club.
(audience laughs)
- That's great, I could
swap you for a Honda.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you wanna see
your name in the paper?
- Yeah.
- Well read tomorrow's obituary.
(man groans) (audience laughs)
- I'd like two rooms please,
one for me and one for my wife.
- Why doesn't your
wife stay in your room?
- Oh, well she will, as
soon as she gets in town.
- Oh, okay.
(playful instrumental
music) (audience laughs)
- I need a vacation.
I'd like to just go somewhere
and not fool around
for a couple of days.
(audience laughs)
- In The French Connection,
why did they call you Popeye?
- Because the wardrobe guy
accidentally gave me a shirt
that was three inches too small.
- We should have
brought a game along
to keep us occupied
while we're up here.
- I did.
- Oh, what'd you bring?
- Darts.
(audience laughs)
(bells jingle)
- The Candlestick,
by John Wayne.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
and what he got, he earned.
'Cause when he jumped
over that candlestick,
he should have known
where he'd get burned.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- You think this is funny,
you should see my bow tie.
- Do I hafta?
You sure you won't
change your mind?
Ah, she's sore because I got
Susan tattooed on my chest.
She wants her
name right under it.
- All right, what's
your name, dear?
- Consuela Maria Angelica
Conchita Franchesca
Parmalita Margarita.
- I gotta gain weight.
(audience laughs)
- I know an Indian girl who
wears an electric headband.
She says it keeps her wig warm.
- What are you doing here?
- Joe sent me.
- Oh, come on in.
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Oh!
- Oh!
- I'm not really sure
whether that joke
was tasteful or not.
As a matter of fact, I'm
not even sure it was a joke.
- Hey, could I buy you a drink?
You know, you and I could
make beautiful music together.
- If you wanna
make beautiful music,
why don't you go buy a
drink for Lawrence Whelk?
- For five years we've
been diggin' down here.
- Yeah.
Well, we better go back.
- Why?
- They're gonna miss this spoon.
- You know, my boyfriend
saw Mash over 100 times.
- Really?
He must really be
a big fan of mine.
- No, he's a projectionist.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
- Oh, hello friends.
This is Chaplain Budharmer.
As you journey through life,
remember that there is
nothing to fear in the darkness.
Help!
(audience laughs)
- Can I take your luggage?
- Oh, sure.
- Funman Airline's
weekend special.
For three dollars and 42
cents, Burbank to New York,
the flight includes free
champagne and hors d'oeuvres,
and a camera for
harassing Jackie Onassis.
(playful instrumental music)
- Have you got 20 bucks?
- I'm sorry I don't.
- Okay, here you go.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Gold. (sobs)
I think my husband
is cheating on me.
- What makes you think that?
- Well, yesterday, when
we were playing poker,
he had five aces.
(audience laughs)
- A lot of people think
I'm an overnight success,
but that's not true.
When I first came to Hollywood,
it took me two nights
to get established.
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
you can decide to declare
my client guilty or not guilty.
All I can say to you is,
say the magic word and split
a hundred bucks amongst you.
(symbol crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Gimme an L, gimme
a I, gimme F and a T,
I need a lift, I need a lift.
I need a lift.
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, tell me, tiny,
tiny, tiny, tiny Tim,
how does it feel
to be a family man?
- A family what?
- And now, I'd very
much like you to meet
some very wonderful,
wonderful wonderful people.
Over here, we have a
very delightful comedienne,
Phyllis Diller, where
are you Phyllis?
Uh-huh.
Now, over here, we have
the ever-popular Lassie.
Oh, I'm sorry,
Lassie's over here.
You see. (whistles)
(audience laughs)
- Well, how did you
like the quickies?
- Well, I missed them.
- Missed the quickies?
- Yes, I took my horse
out for some exercise,
and then of course I
had to give him a bath.
- Oh, he get all sweated up?
- No, every time he runs,
he gets grass stains
on his stomach, though.
(horse whinnies)
Next!
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) You've done an
awful lot of Dean Martin shows.
- Oh, tell me, I got a car.
- How did you pass the audition?
- Well, my dear child,
you don't pass the audition
to get on that particular
show, you flunk (chuckles)
the sobriety test.
(audience laughs)
- Yes. (giggles)
- I've done so many Westerns,
the other day I drove
into Beverly Hills
and tied my car to
the parking meter.
- My uncle is with
the Buffalo Symphony.
- He is, what does he play?
- E flat buffalo.
- Senator, I have a vitally
important question for you.
- It's about time for one.
- What can we do to
reduce hunger in America?
- Eat.
(audience laughs)
- Eat.
That'll stop it right away.
- Is that so?
- Yes.
- Well, I'll never forget
when I did the picture
Sands of Iwo Jima, I had the
feeling that one of the actors
was a little too
young for the part.
Instead of a rifle, he
stormed the beach
with a pail and shovel.
- Senator, I have a question
which was sent in
by George Meanie.
- Oh really?
- Yes.
What do you think of
the Taft-Hartley Act?
- Well, I thought they could
have cut the tap dance number.
(audience laughs)
- I took a tour of the Mogen
David Winery the other day
and I accidentally fell
into one of the vats,
but I was all right.
I came out smellin'
like a Rosen.
- Charles Nelson Riley, baby!
(Charles laughs)
Hey, how do you fix a lamb chop?
- I don't know, I've
never broken one!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you're Mrs.
Wasson's dog, aren't you?
My name is Edith Anne,
and I'm five years old,
and I don't have to say
nothin' if I don't want to.
When Mama and Papa
went to the movies,
I went in the kitchen,
and I ate a whole
box of dog biscuits.
And when they came home,
they thought Buster ate 'em.
And they spanked
him with a newspaper.
And he didn't tell on me.
I think he would be a good spy.
That's the truth.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, have you ever seen
my client with the deceased.
- Uh, no.
- Have you ever seen my
client outside this courtroom?
- No.
- Have you seen my lunch?
I haven't had a
bite since breakfast.
(audience laughs)
- Hey gang, I'm glad
you stayed around
because it's time to take
a look at the Mod World,
and tonight we have a beauty.
This Mod World...
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me.
- What?
- Have you seen a golf ball?
- No, I haven't
seen a golf ball.
- Well, you're not missin' much,
they're just little white
things with dents in 'em.
- I know what they
look like, you ding dong.
- Well, good.
You can help me find mine, then.
- Well, what's it doing in here?
- Well, it just happens
to be the third hole
of the Dick Martin
Indoor Country Club
and Part-Time TV Studio.
- Do you mind if I play through?
- Oh, hey how you doin'?
- Not too good, I took a
seven in the men's room.
(Dick groans)
- This has to be the dumbest
thing you have ever tried.
- No, the dumbest
thing I've ever tried
was tap dancing in a swamp.
(audience laughs)
Woo!
- I don't even want
to think about it.
You look a lot
like Tony Jacklin.
Did you see him in a Brosby?
Yeah, he was there
in his knickerbockers,
or whatever you
used to call those.
You play golf every
day of your life,
you don't show
up for rehearsals,
you're out playing golf.
- Love it, it love it.
- After work, you play golf,
you play golf on Saturdays,
you play golf every Sunday.
Anybody plays that much
golf has to be a fanatic.
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire?
- Au contraire, I know
Presbyterians who do the same thing
if they have a chance.
(audience laughs)
- Well what is this sudden
mad interest in golf?
- Money.
- Money?
- Why, do you know,
speaking of Tony Jacklin,
do you know that he makes
over $100 a week last year,
just playing golf?
- Oh please, wait a minute.
Jacklin, Nicklaus,
Trevino, those guys make
over $200,000 a year.
- Well, almost 100 a week.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, you're not gonna
quit show business
to become a pro.
Surely, you're not that stupid.
- I certainly am.
(audience laughs)
- Well, you can't compete
against golf professionals.
- You haven't seen me lately.
You know, I hit the ball
almost every time
I swing at it now?
- Oh, well then you're ready.
- Fore!
- What is that?
- Wait a minute,
I have to do this.
- You got a new swing?
- Ah, yeah.
Now, see, put the ball there.
- Stand back, folks. (chuckles)
- You wanna see the
world's shortest back swing?
(whistle blows)
(audience laughs)
- Get back here.
You just wanna go ahead
and hit the ball without.
- Alrighty.
(ball zooms) (glass shatters)
(ball zooms) (audience laughs)
(chicken clucks)
(horse whinnies)
- Let's take a look at
the Mod World of Sex.
- I've just joined a new
psychology class, dear.
It's called primal
scream therapy.
- Primal scream?
Sounds stupid.
- Well, it works.
It's based on the principle
of releasing inhibitions
by expressing
repressed frustrations
through emitting a shriek
called a primal scream.
- Mm.
Still sounds stupid.
How much does the thing cost.
- Oh, it's only $50 a session.
(man screams)
Everyone talks about
marriage and sex
Marriage and sex
They're pains in the necks
The bane of existence
you have to agree
But I'd sure like
to try one and see
Just for research
I'd sure like to try one and see
- Oh please.
Please?
Oh, pretty please,
just once, let me try?
(audience laughs)
- Mm-Hm.
- Are you married?
- Huh?
- Are you married?
- Oh, yes of course.
- Uh-Huh.
Can you prove it?
- Sure, go up to room
608 and ask his wife.
(audience laughs)
- To say that love and
sex go hand in hand
well, that's to completely
misunderstand anatomy.
Golly I dreamed
of a wonderful gal
Golda Meir, built like Raquel
Just as the courtship
was giving off steam
I found it was only a
dream Golly, Sargent!
Another impossible dream
(audience applauds)
- I do.
- I want you to know, darling,
I'll always love and honor
and cherish and obey.
I do.
And I want a maid,
and my own car,
and I want my
mother to live with us.
(audience laughs)
- Go, go, go!
(audience laughs)
- My girlfriend
practices virtue,
but fortunately, she's
not too good at it.
- (giggles) You should
have been with me last night.
I ate 50 pounds of oysters
and then I went out an
ambushed a fish peddler.
(audience laughs)
(ball zooms)
(glass shatters)
- I want my money back
on all of these books.
They ruined my marriage.
- Ah, well what books
do you have there?
- Well, I have the sensuous man.
- Yes.
- The sensuous woman.
- Uh-huh.
- The sensuous couple.
- That should have
done something.
- You and Your Sex Life.
- Me?
- Mm-Hm.
Any Woman Can.
All of these books.
- Well, what happened?
- Nothing.
All we did was read.
(woman laughs)
Marriage is really
a bummer at best
Been married for years,
and I'm still unimpressed
I tell the mister
when meetin' the folks
You're just someone
to laugh at may jokes.
Remember the one about
the two nuns in the
taxi cab? (laughs)
You're just someone to
laugh at my jokes (laughs)
Hard as a rock.
- Women's lib is
tending to reverse
traditional family roles.
Someday, husbands
will wait in their houses
for their wives to
come home from work.
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- How did things
go at work tonight?
- Lousy, same old
bump and grind.
- Oh yeah?
You think you've got it bad?
You don't know how
rough it is here at home.
I mean workin' and
slavin' and tryin' to live
on the bare necessities.
- Well, it's the
bare necessities
that puts the
food on this table.
- Oh yeah, I'd give
the shirt off my back
to get out of here
and go back to a job.
- Well, I'd like to go
someplace and get outta here,
where I don't have to
give the shirt off my back,
you know what I mean?
You know what happened
to me tonight, huh?
Some lousy creep jumped
up right on the stage
in the middle of my act.
- No kiddin', what'd you do?
- Well, I just bumped him off.
- Yeah, well you
should've been here today.
- Oh, what happened honey?
- Well, first of all, I
washed your B-string.
- That's a G-string.
- Not anymore, it shrunk.
(audience laughs)
And then the dog ate
one of your pasties.
- The dog ate one of my pasties?
What am I gonna
do tomorrow night?
That's important
for my act, huh?
- Don't worry about it,
I sewed a sequin on
an old checker (laughs).
- All right, honey. (laughs)
Hi.
Well, we both had a busy day.
Listen, I'll just go
into the bathroom,
and I'll change
into my nightgown.
- Why are doin' that?
Why can't you change here?
- Well, you know I can't stand
to have anybody watch me
undress that hasn't paid admission.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
(ball zooms)
(cans clatter)
Say what you will, I
think marriage is nice
Some try it once,
some try it twice
I'm just a poor girl
who's tried it a lot
Just look at the goodies I got
Cost a fortune.
Just look at the goodies I got.
Oh, boy.
- You know, you're so
selfish and inconsiderate.
I don't know why I
ever married you.
- What are you
talkin' about, Jan?
We're not married.
- Yeah, see how selfish
and inconsiderate you are?
(audience laughs)
- Sir, I know you hired
the nuisance, Mr. Don Roe,
to take all the sex references
out of our TV shows,
but I think he's carrying
things just a little bit too far.
- What do you mean?
- Well, I had lunch
with him today
at the NBC commissary.
- Yes.
- And he made them change the
menu to read bosom of chicken.
- I hope you don't
mind me telling you this,
but a friend of mine just
joined the kiss of the month club.
- I don't think I've
ever heard of that club.
- Well, you probably know
it under its other name.
Marriage.
- (laughs) Oh, I say.
My son just married
wonderful girl
Heart beating
fast, head in a whirl
I know we'll have
such a wonderful life
The day he gets rid of that wife
She's a dingbat.
The day he gets rid
of that wife. (sobs)
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Well, so much for
tonight's Mod World.
- Fore!
(ball zooms) (audience laughs)
- What happened to you?
- Boy, that 18th
hole is a beauty.
- It is, eh?
- It's in Dean Martin's
dressing room.
(audience laughs)
- How did you do?
- I don't know, but we
had a marvelous time.
85 shots!
But there was
just the three of us.
(audience laughs)
Have you seen my golf ball?
- No.
- It's a little round
thing, about this size.
- The Burbank chapter of the
Jacques Cousteau Fan Club
has arranged for him a
nine dollar hotel room,
some cheap champagne,
and an overly-friendly squid.
(audience laughs)
- I saw a movie at
the drive in last night
that as so sad,
my car broke down.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(playful instrumental music)
(club smacks)
(ball squishes)
(audience laughs)
(club thuds)
(audience laughs and applauds)
(slide whistle ascends)
(audience laughs)
(cake squishes)
- You know, with
these glasses of mine,
I can see just what you
folks are doing at home.
(giggles) Shame, shame
on you, you houligans.
- Mr. Wayne, sir.
Why do they call you The Duke?
- 'Cause when they
called me the princess,
I punched 'em in the mouth.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- I better go back and return
this spoon to the cafeteria.
- Why?
- It's got egg on it.
- Gee, I haven't had
an egg in a week.
- I've tried shaving
my mustache off,
but every time I
do, it grows back.
- The district attorney claims
that your client is a
cold-blooded killer.
- I'm not surprised.
But can my client help it if
he feels physically threatened
by 14 blindfolded men
standing against a garage wall?
I ask you, can he?
- Sir, I did not come here this
evening to be hornswoggled.
- You didn't?
- Nobody's gonna swoggle my horn
and expect me to stand idly by.
Am I right gang?
Yes, right!
- Right!
In Dublin's fair city
the Colleens are pretty
But ain't it a pity
the nitty's so gritty
Each Sharon and Hattie,
each Terrence and Matty
Are dressin' real naughty
on Saint Patty's Day
What's the news
across the nation
We have locked the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love to
give you our views
La da da dee da
The Ryans, O'Briens,
the Cocklins and Lynch
The Connellys, Donellys,
Farkles, and Finch
The Seamus O'Gradys and
Gradys all look at the news
With O'Dick and O'Dan
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now, the Laugh-In News
with Dow Jones taking stock,
the aerospace
industry taking a knock,
the general economy
taking shock,
and Governor Reagan
taking H & R Block.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Independence, Missouri,
former president Harry S.
Truman is writing his memoirs
about his early experiences
as a haberdasher.
- [Dan] As a what?
- As a haberdasher.
- [Dan] Oh, for men's clothing.
(audience laughs)
- I believe so.
He's titling the book
Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know about Socks
But Were Afraid to Ask.
(audience laughs)
Kind of a play on words, there.
News of the present.
- [Dan] Well, not really.
- Not really. (chuckles)
Highland Park, ill.
- [Dan] Illinois.
- Illinois, I'm sorry.
Tragedy struck today at
the annual Re-ung-carnation.
- Re-ung-Carnation?
- Yes, they misspelled it.
(audience laughs)
Tragedy struck
today at the annual
Reincarnation Society Picnic,
when a sudden bolt of
lightening struck everybody.
However, two hours later
they all returned as ants
and finished lunch.
(audience laughs)
And now for news of
the future, Dan Do-over.
- This is the news
20 years from now.
The secretary of
commerce announced today
that phase three was
such a total success,
that in recognition of his
economic achievement,
former president
Richard M. Nixon's picture
will appear on the
new $18 post card.
(audience laughs)
News of the future,
one year from now.
In keeping with the religious
movement sweeping the country,
Disney World today
opened a new attraction
called The Bible Land,
featuring all the loaves and fishes
you can eat for 29 cents.
(audience laughs)
And a reading of the scriptures,
according to Matthew,
Mark, Luke, and John
as told as Sneezy,
Grumpy, Dopey, Doc,
Sleepy, George, and Ed.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, folks.
Busy Buzzi here, scampering
around scandalous scandaldom
with all the gossip goodies
in Tinseltown's trunk.
(chuckles) Here's
a heartbreaker.
Tina and Lance Proudfoot
have finally announced
the failure of their last
attempt at reconciliation
following their second divorce
prior to their third remarriage.
This resulted in the
first divorce ever to come
before the marriage.
The legal complications
of the final settlement
were only solved when each
was given custody of the other.
(audience laughs)
Busy Buzzi saying bye
bye, ta ta, and kissy-kissy.
- We're here in the Swiss Alps
to interview the world's
champion yodeler.
Tell me, how did
yodeling get started.
- Well, it was originally a
warning of approaching danger.
- And how did that go?
(woman yodels)
(audience laughs)
- Didn't you hear me warn you?
- Huh?
- Now, here as Eric
Clarify to explain
the significance of hand
gestures in public speaking.
- That's correct, thank you.
Now many public
speakers are in the habit
of using your hand gestures.
Now, this is wrong.
It's one hundred percent wrong.
Too many people use
hand gestures as a crutch.
Now, to overcome this problem,
I recommend putting
your hands in your pockets,
for instance, like this.
Now, many people who
put their hands in a position
where they can't use them
can't think of anything to say.
But, um. (sighs)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Now for an
interview by Telstar
with Sir Reginald
Piffington in London.
- You are Sir
Reginald Piffington.
- Uh, right.
The Duke of Earl.
Or, as I'm known around
the club, good old Number 38.
- Good old Number 38?
- Yeah, that means if 37
people ahead of me pop off,
I shall be the King of England.
- Oh, you're in
line for the throne.
And what are you
doing in the meantime?
- Well, mostly sittin' at home,
waitin' for the
telephone to ring.
I mean, how would you like it
for your big chance to come,
and you be out of town?
They'd just go on to number 39!
(audience laughs)
- Well, suppose you become king.
What would you do?
- Abdicate.
- Abdicate, why
would you do that?
- Well, how would you like
to be sittin' on that throne,
just knowin' there
were 50 or 60 people
just waitin' for you
to kick the bucket?
- At a hotel in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
the traditional bellboys are
being replaced by bell girls.
So far, the experiment
is a complete success.
- Now let's see, that's
Mr. Dwight Newton,
from San Francisco?
- Uh-Huh.
- I hope you enjoy
your stay, Mr. Newton.
- Thank you. (bell rings)
- Front, boy.
- That's a bellboy?
- Yeah.
Bernie here will show
you to your room.
- Bernie?
- Bernie, yes, it's
short for Bernice.
- Lady bellhop?
What in the world made you
wanna become a lady bellhop?
- I wasn't built good enough
to be a longshoreman.
- I'm sorry, I can't let a
sweet little thing like this
carry that luggage!
That's a masculine job.
- I understand, sir.
(bell rings)
- Front!
- Ah, here I am!
(audience laughs)
A masculine job. (giggles)
Come on, little
fella, I'll check you in.
- Wait a minute.
I'll go with you
and check him out.
(audience laughs)
- Hopefully, we'll
check each other out.
- And that's the way it is,
Labor Day, April 1st 1776.
La da dee da
The Ryans, O'Briens,
McLaughlins, and Spencers
(women mumbling melodically)
(audience laughs)
- I like nudity in the movies.
It's easier for the fans to tell
who has the best parts.
(audience laughs)
(women mumble melodically)
- You know, when I was a kid,
I was so dumb that all I
wanted to be when I grew up
was a nun.
- That is dumb.
- Yeah, especially
when I found out
you can make more
money as an airline hostess.
(audience laughs)
- You get to wear
those cute little hats, too.
(women mumble melodically)
- Senator, I notice you
keep rubbing your hands.
- Yes, Mr. Rowan, I'm suffering
from a terrible
case of frostbite.
- You are?
- Yes, on the way into
the studio this evening,
I was bitten by David Frost.
- Oh, let me see.
(audience laughs)
(women mumble and
laugh) (audience applauds)
- I always wanted to
play the part of a gangster,
but my horse wouldn't
fit in the getaway car.
(audience laughs)
It's no funnier that way.
- In regard to the war,
would you describe
yourself as a hawk or a dove?
- Well, chicken is more like it.
- Senator, I understand
that in World War II,
you served in the
Pacific Theater.
- That's true, sir, I did.
The Pacific Theater
on Ventura Boulevard.
(audience laughs)
I was head of the ushers there.
- But you did serve on
an island during the Pacific
during the war, didn't you?
- Yes, I did!
The island was Alcatraz.
(audience laughs)
- When you cross a
kleptomaniac with a surgeon,
you get someone who'll
steal your heart away.
Sad, sad, sad!
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Oh, thank you.
- Jerry, why do you have
that space between your teeth?
- Why?
- Hm, why?
- Well, how else
would the cat get in?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, of course! (laughs)
- So, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
I'm gonna show you that my
client is not guilty of robbery
or of embezzling.
- Embezzling?
But he's been accused of murder.
- Well, two out of three
ought to be good
enough to get him off.
(uptempo dance music)
- Mash was really an
effective anti-war film.
Do you realize that
since it came out,
we've only had one war?
Woo!
- Woo!
Of course, of course
medical bills are going up,
I mean, so are
doctors' expenses.
Do you know what
a set of nine irons
plus a new golf bag costs today?
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Hey Wanda, you wanna
come up to my place
and celebrate Thanksgiving?
- But Thanksgiving's
not until January.
(audience laughs)
(audience member yells)
- That's close!
(uptempo dance music)
- Hey Wanda, you wanna
come up to my place
and celebrate Thanksgiving?
- But Thanksgiving
isn't until November.
- Mm, I know, but by that time,
look at all we'll have
to be thankful for.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- One of my fellow clergymen
serves at a parish in
such a tough neighborhood.
He now concludes the
wedding ceremonies with
you may now kiss the broad.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Oh! (giggles)
I joined weight watchers
to lose 20 pounds,
so I had to put
up a sign that says
business as usual
during remodeling.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- You know, Ronald Reagan
wanted to grow up to be
either a movie
star or a politician.
He did both.
Now he walks around
acting like a governor.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- I got such wonderful
wedding gifts.
Everyone gave us things we
really needed, like baby clothes.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Woo!
A friend of mine went
to a masquerade party
dressed a horse.
- [Man] As a what?
- As a horse!
And he stumbled
and broke his leg.
Some guy dressed
as a cowboy shot him.
Woo!
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
(Lily cackles)
- Do you think
President Nixon was mad
when Henry Kissinger's little
boy talked about Red China?
- Well, he must have been.
I hear the president's
tryin' to figure out a way
to lower the draft age to 10!
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- You know, they
say in every fat man
is a skinny man
tryin' to get out.
Not in me.
Where else could
I eat this good?
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
- Ah, I've just come up
with a great new invention
for married couples
with waterbeds.
- Really, what is it?
- Well, it's a combination
birth control and sea sick pill.
(audience laughs)
(uptempo dance music)
(audience applauds)
- Remember, if you're
within the sound of my voice,
there's a television
set near you.
- Here's a beauty
tip to all you girls.
If you paint a
crosswalk on your face,
you greatly reduce the chances
of having a pedestrian
killed while standing on it.
- There's nothing really unusual
about The French Connection.
So it was shot in New York.
These days, who isn't?
(audience laughs)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- One ringy dingy. (snorts)
Two ringy dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. James R. Hoffa?
The former 186-3321?
(audience laughs)
What do you mean,
how did I know that?
Listen MaBel's had your
number for a long time.
(audience laughs)
Now listen, Mr. Hoffa,
our records show
that you made a couple
of long distance calls
from the penitentiary.
And now that you've
paid your debt to society,
maybe you'll pay your
debt to the phone company.
(audience laughs)
What's that?
Oh, it had to be you.
Who else would be making calls
from the big house
to the White House?
Look, Jim, you just out
from being up the river.
If you fool around with MaBel,
you're gonna be up
the creek. (snorts)
Hello?
Hello?
- Oh, Miss Pflug, when
I'm alone with a man,
what's the best way to show
my desires as a woman?
- Well, I usually turn
the lights down low,
put on some romantic music.
- Mm-kay.
- But in your case, I'd
recommend pointing.
- Oh, at what?
(audience laughs)
- Senator?
- Yeah.
- In the last election, did
you cater to special interests
or did you have broad support?
- Broad support, sir.
As a matter of fact, I can
claim that I have the support
of every broad in my
part of the country.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get my had
and go with you.
- Thank you.
- I had to get rid
of my plumber.
- How come?
- (giggles) He kept
stopping up every night.
- Did he bring his helper?
- (giggles) Oh, you
mad man, of course.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Terry, since
you've been living here,
do you miss the Queen?
- No, as a matter
of fact, I don't.
It's nice of you to
ask me, of course,
but there are so many
right here in Hollywood
who remind me of her.
(audience laughs)
- Nurse, what do I have
to do to get out of here?
- Just give me the names
of the six men you
want to carry ya.
(audience laughs)
- Order, order in the court.
- Oh, that's terrific.
I'll have a ham on
rye and a large coffee.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna charge you for that.
- Okay, but don't
forget, you get dinner.
- Did the plumber
come and fix the leak?
- Yes, he just finished.
- Oh, good.
- And here's my bill.
- Financial advisors said today
that Humpty Dumpty is broke.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, boy!
- Hi honeys, we're home!
(group chatters excitedly)
- [Narrator] You know, many
people claim that marriage is,
as we know it, today
is on its way out,
and that maybe in the future,
we will all follow
the hippie example
and turn to communal marriages.
- How did things go
at work today, dears?
- Terrific!
- Rotten.
- Fair.
- I got fired.
- Great.
- Ah, gee.
- That's life.
- Well, you'll find another one.
- Before we go any further,
let's make sure we've
got the right combinations
for tonight, okay?
- [Man] Good idea - Dave!
- Yeah, yeah.
- You're gonna be with Shirley.
- Hi, Shirley.
- Herby, you'll be with Diane.
- No, that's not
Diane, that's Sally.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're with Sally,
you're with Diane,
and I'm with Leonora, right?
Well, here we are!
- Surprise!
We've got a headache!
(audience laughs)
- Did you just give
me a dirty look?
- You got a dirty look,
but I didn't give it to ya.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Tonight, we were
supposed to bring you
a touching love story.
Unfortunately, the
censors said there was
a little too much touching.
(audience laughs)
- Hey bartender?
- Yeah, what do you want?
- My compliments!
This is a very dry wine.
- It's the kind
you always drink.
You just forgot to take
the cork outta the bottle.
(audience laughs)
- (giggles) Congratulate
us, barkeep!
- What for?
- For standing on
these stools for an hour
without falling off.
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
Hey, where'd he go?
Wait!
- A friend of mine got a
hernia from playing horseshoes.
Nobody told him
you're supposed to take
'em off the horse first.
(audience laughs)
- Charles Nelson Riley at last.
Here on Laugh-In.
- Yeah, my luck finally ran out.
(audience laughs)
- I make tough movies because
I think men should be men
and women should be women,
and half the people in
Hollywood live by that.
- You wanna pass the soap?
- Okay.
Frankly, this isn't
what I expected
when the desk clerk
said I'd be sharing a bath.
- I'm very pleased.
Terrific view.
(audience laughs)
- I've never missed
a Laugh-In show yet.
I've never seen one
and I've never missed it.
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- First of all, however,
I would like to make
an announcement.
- You would like to
make an announcement?
- To all of you honeymooners
who are watching this show,
just send $25 to
me, Dick Martin,
and I'll send you a
shiny new quarter.
- Wait a minute, why
would anyone fall for that?
- Anyone who's stupid
enough to watch this show
on his honeymoon
will fall for anything.
(audience laughs)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, honeymooners!
Good night, everybody!
(audience applauds)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, uh, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Mr. Dick.
- Good night, Dick! (laughs)
- Night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, Dick!
- We got a headache.
(audience laughs)
- Ha!
- Ha!
- What would you get if
you crossed George Burns
and the June Taylor Dancers?
- I don't know, what?
- You'd get 137 people
who can't sing, woo!
- Ruth!
- What?
- What do you get if you
cross a cat with a lemon?
- A sour puss.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Aw.
- (Laughs) What do you get
if you cross a quiz show emcee
with marine marching band?
- I don't know, what?
- The Monte Halls of Montezuma.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Oh, it's so wonderful
to be called that.
- What do you get if cross
lighter fluid with a hair tonic?
- I haven't the foggiest.
- Third degree side burns!
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Martin.
- Yes, Danny.
- Sir.
- Yes.
- What do you get
if you cross a cow
with deactivated bombs?
- I don't know, what?
- Milk dud.
(audience laughs)
- Woo!
- What do you get if
you cross a porno film
with forest lawn?
- I have no idea, what?
- The Naked and the Dead.
- I thought we were in a hive.
(Dick laughs)
What do you get when
you cross a phonograph reel
with a Wayne Newton record?
- I don't know, what?
- A earache that takes
three phone cards.
- Rinky-dinky-Do!
- What did he say?
Yes?
- What do you get if
you cross a kangaroo
with an automobile,
with an automobile!
- I don't know, I don't know!
- (laughs) A car hop.
- A car hop!
- Oh, that laugh was nothin'.
- Oh, I agree.
- What do you get...
- Ow!
(audience laughs)
Oh, meant, medic!
- What do you get when
you cross a cow with a man,
a cow, yes?
- Yes, that's right.
- Who has lost his memory?
- A cow who has lost his memory?
I don't know, what?
- Milk of amnesia.
(audience laughs)
- Richard!
- Yes!
- Now, what do you
get when you cross
the Pentagon with a parrot?
- I don't know, what?
- I don't know,
but when it talks,
nobody believes it!
- A car hop!
(audience laughs)
- This program is prerecorded
and will self destruct
in two seconds,
so there will be no
evidence against the cast.
- The president of Vasoline
at a golf tournament.
(whistle ascends)
(audience laughs)
(playful kazoo music)
(audience laughs)
(person claps)