Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript
(marching band music)
- Hi, sports fans!
I'm Gary Owens, and tonight
we tip off the 1972 season
of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
with our own beautiful
Downtown Beauties!
(Beauties cheer)
And with these stars from
last year's winning team,
Ruth Buzzi,
Lilly Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
and some great new
rookies, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willie
Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
with Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
and of course a fantastic
guest star, Isaac Hayes,
Kent McCord, Martin Milner,
Jill St. John, and and
back for their sixth season
our triple threat superstars,
Dan Rowan, and Dick Martin!
- And to help us kick
off this new season,
- The biggest star of
them all, the big Duke,
John Wayne!
(audience applause)
- Thanks for coming
on the show, Duke!
- So nice to be back again.
- Excuse me fellas, excuse me.
(audience applause)
- Ian Bernard and his band.
- Is that all there is?
- Are you kidding?
There's an extra-special guest
just about the best
ring-a-ding singer in the world.
- You mean you got him out
of retirement for this show?
- You bet your Rat Pack we did!
- And he'll be here
right after this message.
(all cheer)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(energetic fanfare)
(audience applause)
- I can't believe this!
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Oh my goodness,
I can't believe this.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- I can't believe it again.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Well, you like the
new opening look?
- Were there 15 or 20 of them?
(audience laughs)
- Very attractive young ladies.
- Really?
Are they gonna
be on all the time?
- Yes, I thought we
might keep them around.
- Oh, good. (sighs)
There'll be a lot more
rehearsal-ing now, Dan.
(audience laughs)
A lot more rehearsal-ing.
- You win 20 bucks, PK.
- On top of that,
there's gonna be a lot
of rehearsal-ing at night.
- We've got a good way
to get you here on time.
I guess you're
pretty excited, huh?
- I guess so.
Back here in ol' NBC
for the sixth season.
- Oh, not only that, what
about our surprise guest?
- I still can't believe,
he came out of
retirement just for us.
- Yup.
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, there's no point
in waiting any longer.
A man who is perhaps
the finest singer of our time.
("A Foggy Day")
(audience applause)
A foggy day In London town
Got me feeling low
Got me feeling down
I gazed upon the morning
With so much alarm
The British Museum
Had lost its charm
How long I wondered
Could this thing possibly last
(audience applause)
But the age of
miracles It hadn't past
- What kind of a
surprise is next!
That was some night.
- Oh it certainly is.
Everything new.
New people, new ideas.
- You haven't even mentioned
my exciting new outfit!
- Oh, that's exciting.
Aren't you even the least
bit interested in meeting
some of the new cast members?
- Aren't you the least bit
interested in my new suit?
It has new silk
lining, look at that?
- Beautiful.
Some of these people...
- Look at this, even
the sleeves are lined.
Isn't that beautiful, huh?
- Terrific.
- And I have some
wonderful new socks.
Don't they go nice?
They do go nice.
- I can't stay...
- I got them special,
three for a dollar.
I cannot figure out what
to do with the third one.
- Wait till you see
some of the new girls.
- How about my new tie,
didn't mention that huh?
Custom made shirt,
my name on the back.
- What's that, JC Penney.
Listen.
Some of these girls are...
- Feel this material.
It's really broadcloth,
made out of real broads.
- I don't wanna hear about that.
Not only that, but some
of the guys are new...
- Also have silk lining in
my trousers, you wanna see?
- No I don't wanna see!
Dick, we have a whole bunch
of new people on the show,
aren't you interested
in meeting them at all?
- Of course, why do you
think I got dressed up like this?
- Okay, here they are then.
(audience applauds)
(cast members gawk)
- How do you like that?
I got all dressed up, and
not one of them noticed it.
- Would you put
yourself together
before somebody else sees you?
You look like a fool,
for crying out loud.
- Look at those socks.
- Well I know
Look at those socks, hi Duke!
- Hey, Dan!
- Hi, Duke!
- Coincidence.
I got the same socks,
got them on sale.
I don't know what to
do with this third one.
- Let me tell you what you do.
I got a new pair of socks.
Let's go to the party.
(audience applauds)
(funky soul music)
- It's Dan and Duke,
what a surprise!
Fix yourself up a little.
- My wife told me that she
wanted something for her birthday
that she could always remember.
So I bought her the Alamo.
(funky soul music)
- Hey Patti.
- Hm?
- Scientists predict
within the next 10 years,
the air won't be fit to breathe,
the water won't be fit
to drink, and the streets
won't be safe to walk in.
- Oh, well Willie, you gotta
hand it to New York City.
10 years ahead of its time.
- Chuck, I just,
stop it now, pull
yourself together.
I just heard that Budweiser
brewery is going to merge
with Australian
Boomerangs Limited
because they're planning to
make beer cans that you can't
throw away!
- I just heard where a birth
control pill manufacturer's
gonna merge with a
charcoal briquette company.
And they're gonna
produce a briquette
that doesn't only not smoke,
but it doesn't fool around
with women, either.
(funky soul music)
- You know something,
insurance companies
should be in favor
of no fault insurance.
Now after an accident, they
can just cancel both policies.
- Have you ever seen such a
wild, uncontrolled unruly party
as this?
- Oh, are you
kidding, I was in Miami
for the Democratic
Convention, that was a party.
(funky soul music)
- Legalized abortion
in New York state
has been so successful
that a lot of people
are getting them who
aren't even pregnant.
(funky soul music)
- Lester, what do you
think of Sammy Davis Jr.?
- Are you kidding?
I think Sammy Davis
is a credit to his races.
- Speaking of Sammy Davis
Jr, I hear that they're gonna
make a movie of his life.
I Wonder who's gonna
play the part of Sammy?
- Oh, the top half
is Sidney Poitier!
(funky soul music)
- You know, I just tried the
Canadian army exercises,
and uh, I didn't mind
the exercises at all.
But traveling around, you
know, from camp to camp like that
sure wears a girl out.
(funky soul music)
- You know Janice, I ruined
my back last week camping.
- How did that
happen, poor baby?
- Well, it was so crowded
I had to tie both ends
of my hammock to the same tree.
(funky soul music)
- Inflation is really getting
bad, and I'm not kidding.
I asked the bank to
change a 10 dollar bill
and they gave me three
quarters and a nickel.
(funky soul music)
- Don't worry Willie, some
day your ship will come in.
- Yeah, and when it does,
I'll probably have to unload it.
(funky soul music)
- Hey Duke, who skips
across a desert at night
and goes, aaa-ooh!
- I don't know, who?
- Truman Coyote!
(funky soul music)
(audience applause)
- Here you are, how about
a flower for your partner?
- Why, sure.
- Here's your flower.
- Here's my partner.
- Nothing for the bridesmaid?
- A lot of people ask
me why I shave my head.
That's because when I
shave my feet (laughs)
I giggle!
- Coffee my dear?
- No thank you, Charles.
Coffee is not my cup of tea.
(laughs)
- Just think of it
this way, Elmer,
it sure beats jogging.
- Yeah, but I know how to jog.
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
Gracious, hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is Mr. Wayne Newton
at home, little girl?
Oh, oh I'm sorry, Mr. Newton,
I didn't recognize your voice.
Hello?
- By the way, what's for dinner?
- Wait a minute I'll
get the stewardess.
- Get one for me, I'm starved.
Better get two, they're small.
- Hit me.
- Why did you throw your
history teacher out the window?
- Because the english
teacher was too heavy.
Common sense.
- My dog barks night and day.
- We gotta get together, I
got a cat that sings Stardust.
(marching band music)
- Funny, you don't look Jewish.
- You really know how
to treat a guy, Charlie.
Everybody else bought
me flowers and candy.
- As he alighted from his plane,
the critically cute Henry
Kissinger was met at the airport
by vice president Agnew,
who greeted him by saying,
pookie pookie pookie!
- Now Mrs. Jones,
I know it's difficult
but you're going to have
to make some decisions.
Would you like me to
give you perpetual care?
- Well if you feel up to it.
But that's what
killed Mr. Jones.
- And now we take you
back to one of the original
counter sit-ins in the South.
- Yeah, and just
what do you want?
- I want equal rights,
I want open housing,
I want fair job opportunities.
- One number seven!
(gunfire rages)
- Achoo!
- I wish you'd keep quiet.
How do you expect
me to get any sleep?
- Tonight the first
national duck choir.
Conducting, Mr. Duck.
Tonight's selection, We
Wish You A Merry Christmas.
Mr. Quack.
(he quacks)
Center.
Alto ready?
Everybody ready? (laughs)
We
Wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year Everybody?
We wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year!
(audience applauds)
(old timey music)
(fight song)
Give a yell, give a cheer,
Give a look and lend an ear,
Cos it's time for
the big salute!
Give a hoot, give a hey,
Try a zippy hip hooray,
As we lay on the big salute!
Leaping lizards,
glory-osity Zippity doo,
Hallelujah hubba hubba
have we got a gift for you
Have we got a gift for you
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In salutes the summer of '72!
Fall in line, get in step
Show the world you're really hip
With a salute, a
salute, a salute, a salute
A salute, a salute,
tooty toot, ain't it cute
Do your thing its a big salute
- The Supreme
Court recently decided
that private clubs cannot
be forced to admit blacks.
- Yeah, well I guess now
the state of Alabama's
gonna declare
itself a private club.
- You know this summer, after
senators McGovern and Humphrey
appeared on Meet the
Press, and Face the Nation?
Well Mayor Yorty
demanded equal time,
so they offered him a guest
spot on The Mouse Factory!
- Help, help, I've been rubbed!
- And this was the year
that Dita Beard sang her way
and danced her way through
the summer to the strains of
IT and T for two,
and two for tea
- To me it was a woman.
She was beautiful, and I
loved her more than life itself.
And then one day she's gone.
Another guy.
Is it something
like that with you?
- Well, not exactly.
I was Senator Muskie's
campaign manager.
- Senator Muskie said
he didn't think he could win
with a black man
as his running mate.
Um, way things turned out, a
black man couldn't have won
with Senator Muskie.
- During the summer of
'72 Pope Paul instituted
a new policy at the Vatican
because of the vandalism
attack on Michelangelo's Pieta.
The statue will now be
replaced by a cop wearing a veil.
- Me, India Paryaya of Japan,
appreciate the last visit
of presidential advisor
Henry Kissinger.
And when he left, we found
something missing from our lives.
Six towels, three bars of soap,
and four of our
best geisha girls!
Henry, shame on you.
- You know, over the summer,
I joined the Clifford
Irving book club.
And every month, the mailman
brings me an empty package.
- You know, I wonder how
Mr. Irving wrote that book about
Howard Hughes.
- Hey Howard, where'd you
go after you left Vancouver?
- At the Democratic
Convention Shirley Chisholm
was heard to say,
sure, I'll take second
spot on the ticket,
but I ain't gon do no windows.
- What is it, Rocko?
- Godfather, these two
men, they took my daughter,
my beautiful young daughter
I mean, they dragged
her into the park,
they ripped off her
clothes, they beat her
and they chained her to a tree.
- When did all this happen?
- About two years ago.
- So why didn't you
come to me sooner?
- Oh, she was having
such a good time,
I didn't wanna butt in.
- This summer I was really
worried because I read
that the American
pastime was going on strike.
(whistles) Was I relieved
when I found out they were
only talking about baseball!
- Last summer, Spiro
Agnew really got some action.
He made a speech calling
for a lower American profile.
Yeah, and right after two
million chicks quit wearing bras.
Toss a hat, jump for joy
Down the hatch, chips ahoy
Flap your wing
for the big salute
- Where's Dick?
This is a wonderful
set you've got here.
Decent haunt to be a
cowboy in, but where is he?
- Well Duke, he's really
been looking forward to this,
it's very important to him
and he wants to be sure
he's got everything
just right, you know?
Here he comes.
- All right.
This is the showdown.
Where is everybody?
- You're only supposed to
wear one patch, you dummy.
- You're right.
A lot brighter that way.
I wish you were a lot brighter.
- Ah.
- Look Dick,
you're supposed to be a
cowboy, so act like one.
When you come into
a bar, come in like this.
Whiskey!
(laughter)
Now you try it.
Is he always this stupid?
- Nah, this is one
of his smart days.
- All right, get up.
Now we'll teach you
how to handle yourself
in a western brawl.
Now, you're talking to this
girl, and Black Bart here
tries to bushwhack you.
Now hold it, hold it.
Okay, let it go!
Oh, come on, Dick!
- Huh?
- You did it all wrong.
When you make a fall, you
gotta make it amount to something.
When he hits you over the
back, stumble, fall into the table
and go down.
- Ah, I got it.
- Can I try the piano
this time on him?
- Just hit him.
(laughter) Hard.
Dick, I think you're getting it!
I think he's got it.
- I think he
oughta get it again.
- Now a Western ends
in one of two ways.
Either you finish the fight
or you kiss the Schoolmarm.
- I'll kiss the schoolmarm.
- Howdy.
I'm the new schoolmarm.
- I'll finish the fight.
- Ugh!
Ugh!
- Gimme that.
- Here, I'll break it.
Duke, I'm so glad we
finally got rid of him.
Now we can ride off
into the sunset together.
Hi ho Duke, and away!
(audience applauds)
- Hi ho Duke!
Yeah!
- All right, Tod
read the first letter.
- The first letter
comes from Jodi Frazier
of Twin Falls who
writes, Dear Moosie,
Yesterday at school,
somebody put a frog
in my peanut butter sandwich.
And when I opened
it up, it jumped out!
What should I do?
- Dear Jodi,
Bring another kind
of sandwich to school.
Maybe your frog
doesn't like peanut butter.
- I never met a
man I didn't like.
Except Will Rogers.
Pooky pooky pooky.
(whimsical music)
- Howard Cosell, light of
my life, broadcasting star,
super sports figure,
former attorney at law,
confidante of
Broadway Joe Namath,
Dandy Don Meredith,
Truman Capote, and a
snappy dresser in your own right,
this is Harriet
Cosell, your mother.
Calling from her
beachfront condominium.
Confidentially Howard,
and off the record,
you did not call me last week
to give me your
football predictions.
Don't you trust me Howard?
After all between a
mother and her son
is not the point spread sacred?
- [Announcer] It's showtime
in the Boom Boom Room
in the Club Cici!
And the spotlight
falls on Mike Caldwell!
- Boy, the Boom Boom
Room, you think I'd be nervous,
but I'm not nervous,
do you ever just get up in
the morning and feel like,
ahh!
- I want you to know that I
think you're sick, sick, sick!
Where do I sign up?
- Right here.
How about me?
Next?
- Ike, do you understand
Lawrence Welk's music?
- Not so much music, man,
I don't even
understand his english.
- Hey ladies, my
name is Edith, pbbb.
Edith Anne I'm five
and half years old.
And you know what?
I told my teacher Miss Sweeney
I would bring my flea circus
to school.
And I did, I took some
fleas off of Buster.
And put them in a bottle.
And then when I got to
school, I opened the bottle
and all the fleas jumped
on Miss Sweeney.
And Buster will be very
angry when he finds out
Miss Sweeney ran
away with all of his fleas.
And that's the truth, pbbb.
(gunfire rages)
- It's gonna be all right, boy.
Looks a little
rough right now but,
it'll turn out all
right in the end.
- Yeah how do you know?
- Haven't you seen
any of my pictures?
Things are not what they appear
The neighborhood is lower tier
Guess that's why
the rats moved here
These am the days
- Strive for yourself,
mama, strive for yourself.
Be cool.
Together, you know.
I just found out a white
family just moved in next door.
- Well how can you tell?
- Because its the only house
in town that has a Cadillac
parked in front.
And when they blow they
horn it don't go deet deet.
It goes honky honky.
- That's not nice to talk
about people like that.
We should go over there
and make friends with em.
- You think that, you think
I'm a go and make friends
with somebody who's dumb enough
to live in this neighborhood?
You must be out
your mind, woman.
- Well I mean, some people
might say you're a bigot.
- Nah, when you're
black you're not a bigot.
You a bigotee.
- I think I better go.
I hear the garbage man coming.
- Well tell him to
leave some extra
cos we having company tonight.
These am the days
(whimsical music) (car skids)
- Listen you must stay tuned
for more of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh In, when Marlon
Brando, Elizabeth Taylor
Richard Burton and
Barbara Streisand
may also be watching.
- Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
(all cheer)
- Here I am,
appearing on Laugh-In.
Now that's what I call
really getting the shaft.
- Listen gang, you're
about to see a sketch
which will be a
television first.
Tonight, on our
stage, Mr. John Wayne.
- Hold it.
We've got a real problem.
- What's a matter?
- Well, John Wayne
refuses to do the sketch,
he says he feels stupid.
- Well where is he?
- Well, he's backstage
holding his breath.
- Oh, that's ridiculous,
I'll talk to him.
Hey Duke, come
here, what's the matter?
What's the problem?
(audience laughs)
- First one that snickers
gets a broken face.
- I don't understand
what's bothering you.
- Well I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
I'm a grown man, you
got me all dressed up
in a silly bunny outfit.
- Well naturally, you're playing
the lead in a bunny sketch.
- No I'm not.
I'm an actor and
I read the part,
it's demeaning and
embarrassing and I won't do it.
- Oh, come on Duke.
There are no bad parts.
There are only bad bunnies!
- Come on, get the rest
of the gang on stage.
Come on, gang, come on.
(laughter)
- How would you like a
punch in your banana?
- Oh, all right, easy now.
Come on now.
Let's just run over the
first scene, see how it goes.
- Okay okay.
Oh dear, oh dear!
Tomorrow is Easter, we
have no eggs for the children.
- Oh, don't worry, Billy
Bunny will bring them.
- Oh joy, here he comes now.
- Okay, now that's
your cue, Duke, you say,
My name is Billy Bunny,
and I lost my eggs.
- Ugh, this is ridiculous.
- It certainly is.
This is how bunnies hop.
- No Donna, they hop like this.
- Brian hops
better, look at this.
- Confidentially I can
out-hop him with one ear
tied behind my back.
I'm gonna go to some
bar and have a martini.
And a carrot.
- Duke doesn't hop like a bunny.
- Ah, at his age I'd be
surprised if he does anything
like a bunny.
- I don't know.
All them bunnies
look alike to me.
- Well, I guess it
could have been worse.
They could have asked
me to dress up like a liberal.
- Here comes Father Sweeney now.
I wonder who that's with him.
- Pardon?
Oh.
- You fellas better
try another priest.
This may take a while.
- I do wish you wouldn't
laugh at these people.
It only encourages them.
- Are you sure this is
all right for us to do?
Well, what would my daddy say?
Daddy?!
- Come here and
kiss your old dad.
- Oh!
- Nothing for the bridesmaid?
- How long we
been riding together?
- About three years.
- It's about time then eh?
How about it.
- What do you mean,
how about it? (laughter)
- I think I love you.
(laughter)
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- About three (laughs)
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
(laughter)
- Let's try that again.
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- Oh, about three years.
(laughter)
- Really?
How bout it.
(laughter)
- [Clapper] 123.
- I can't do it.
- Oh yes you can.
- No I can't Marty.
- Don't look at me.
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- Eh, about three years.
- It's about time
then, how bout it.
- Okay, you can steer.
- Hey, can I try the siren?
- Go ahead.
(laughter)
- Did you turn it on?
- You're supposed
to say what's that.
(laughter)
Yes, because they're
gonna lay the siren in.
(laughter)
- Oh, that's what
you were saying.
- Yeah (laughs)
- Here's a letter.
Dear Tod,
I hope you can
help me with my son.
Every morning when he gets
up, he asks me for a cookie.
He asks me for a cookie
when I'm doing the dishes.
When I'm trying
to clean the house.
When I'm making supper.
He's always asking
me for a cookie!
He's driving me crazy!
What should I do?
Signed, Mrs. L.
- Dear Mrs. L, give
the kid a cookie!
- Godfather, every day for
the past ten years this man
has come to my house,
dressed in woman's clothes,
he puts a gun to my ribs,
and he makes me kiss him.
- What do you want
me to do Rocko?
- Could you come to the wedding?
(whimsical music)
- Can't make it.
- Could you come
to the christening?
- Hey Dick?
- Yeah?
- I crossed Wilt Chamberlain
with a chihuahua.
- You're kidding,
and what'd you get?
- I got a long little dog.
- Mr. Duke, would you
do something for me?
- Sure, what is it?
(whimsical music)
- Well all right,
but only one egg.
- Time once again to
learn to dance at home.
I am your graceful
instructor Pierre Le Ploup.
And this is my lovely
and graceful assistant,
my lovely and
graceful assistant,
my lovely dum-dum!
J'ecuntelah.
Together we will show
you one of the most graceful
and elegant steps
in all of dancing,
the spin!
The man raises his
arm like so, like, so,
and the partner
lightly spins around.
Allez, there we go.
And as she goes lightly!
Quietly!
(Pierre yells)
This time, I'm going
to rip out your hair!
Now then.
We will attempt to show you
the most difficult maneuver
of the world.
It is called, the lift.
Now the girl must
run to her partner,
who grabs her by the
waist, and lifts her high
over his head.
Now, this is very
difficult, but you know
I have complete faith
in you, dear J'ecuntelah.
Now,
are we ready to go?
Allez?
Allez?!
Allez!
(audience applauds)
(silly slide whistles)
What's the news
across the nation
Across the nation
Across the nation
We have got the
information Information
Information
In a way, we hope you amuse yous
Never confuse yous
Thrill and enthuse yous
We just love to
give you our news
La la dee da (audience laughs)
Help us one and all sing
Laugh In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In news
With Anwar Sadat looking sheikh,
Daniel Ellsburg
springing a leak,
Jackie Onassis with a Greek,
and Jack Anderson taking a peek.
- First these headlines.
- Police make big bust
in silicone injection ring.
- Wilt Chamberlain
arrested today in Paris
for dancing with
the Eiffel Tower.
- An Air Burbank jumbo
jet was forced to land
when it ran out of firewood.
- More on these
stories later, but foist,
er, first, here's Dick with
the news of the present.
- Hollywood, California.
Film-land was overjoyed
today when it was learned
that former child star Annette
Funicello, you remember her,
Annette Funicello,
became a mother
at Disneyland
Maternity Hospital.
- [Dan] Oh, a mouseketeer?
- Yes, where she gave
birth to a nine pound mouse.
Annette said, he's beautiful,
he's got my eyes
and his father's tail.
(laughs)
A Japanese freighter
carrying a cargo of yo-yos
in bound for the United
States was rammed
somewhere off Hawaii late today.
And sank 137 times.
- Very well, news of the future
20 years from now, the five
year marriage of Harry the robot
and his robot wife Shirley,
considered to be
an electronic miracle,
came to an end today
when for no apparent reason
Harry suddenly
went from AC to DC.
Moving right along
with news of the future,
20 years from now Ralph
Nader's recent charges,
alleging widespread
inferior surgical techniques
finally produced results
when Dr. Clarence Peterson
of emergency hospital
was forced to recall
over 500,000
faulty gall bladders.
- Now to a remote
jungle village somewhere
in the Phillip-ynes.
- Phillip-ynes?
- Philippines.
(laughter)
- I imagine that the
coronation of a new king
is quite an event.
Tell me, when was the last time
you celebrated such an event?
- About five minutes ago.
This is the 411th
new king today.
- Well tell me, why do
you have so many kings?
- Shh!
The ceremony is about to begin.
I hereby crown you the new king!
The king is dead!
Long live the new king!
Next!
Wonder what... I
am terribly sorry.
I am the king!
- Now do our down east
sportscaster Jud Strunk,
with the game of the week
from Farmington Maine,
the sports capital of America.
- Hi there.
Jud Strunk here from
Farmington, Maine,
sport capital of the world.
We got a terrific
thing for you this week,
the Farmington Derby.
The run for the petunias.
The roses caught the frost.
This year, what has gotta
be done now is them horses
gotta be back by
them little fellas
all the way around the track,
by that white rail
and into them stalls
before the bell rings.
It's tricky, but let's
see if they can do it.
(whistle blows)
They're off!
And look at Cyrus
Quigley on Adelaide,
Hanover coming
up on the outside,
that's Victory
Chime on the inside
and Blueberry Hill
coming up over.
It looks like Adelaide
Vedershpiel has got Victory Chime
by a nose, coming
in pretty good,
they're getting to the
3/4 post, almost in now,
there is the gates, and
they're in, there goes the bell.
(bell rings)
Well I dunno who won
but I'll tell you one thing.
They didn't win by a nose.
- Here's the minority point
of view with Willie Tyler
and Lester.
- And now its time for the
black news and comment.
I'm your anchorman Willie Tyler.
- And I'm your
colored man, Lester.
- It's color man, would
you read the cue cards?
- You read the cue cards
man, cos I cannot see.
You think I'm real don't you?
You better shape up or I'm
gonna get me another dummie.
Go ahead.
- A large blackout hit the
city of Los Angeles yesterday.
Power company officials say
it was caused by an overload
due to heavy use
of air conditioning
and swimming pool filters.
- Air conditioning and
swimming pool filters?
That explains it.
- Explains what?
- Why the only place that
still had lights was Watts.
- One final item.
Two white congressmen
from New York
went to Harlem for a week,
to find out what it was like
to live as a black
man in the ghetto.
- Yeah and after three
days one had to leave
when he discovered
he was allergic
to barbecue ribs
and chicken wings.
The other one was
beaten up by a group,
blah blah blah,
ah, get it together!
It's okay to mess yours up man,
now don't mess mine up, man.
- Recently at a meeting
of the Hollywood press,
John Wayne made a statement.
Here is a film of
that statement.
- My name is John Wayne.
You can kiss my leading
lady or steal my Levi's,
but don't lie to me.
I think a man oughta be a man.
Not like these guys
you see walking down
Hollywood Boulevard,
going la de da, la de da.
Me, I like sitting on the
prairie by a campfire.
No doubt about it, I enjoy
acting whether it's with
Maureen O'Hara
or Ernest Borgnine.
- Now that's a simple,
straightforward statement
but here's what might happen
in the hands of an
unscrupulous editor.
- Mr. Wayne, you've
had a long career.
What would you
tell people who say
you're just a cowboy actor.
- You can kiss my Levi's.
- Mr. Wayne, when you're
not playing one of your strong,
silent heroes, what
are you usually doing?
- Walking down Hollywood
Boulevard going la dee da.
- Well how did you
acquire your cowboy walk?
- Sitting on a campfire.
- One final question sir,
who is the most beautiful
and sexy costar you
ever worked with?
- No doubt about
it, Ernest Borgnine.
- Now a new wrinkle
in news-casting,
the senior citizen's report.
- There's old news tonight!
- Marilyn Bettoday sued Ernest,
her husband of 82
years for divorce.
When asked why they
were splitting up, she said,
I knew my husband
was fooling around
when he came home one
night with denture cream
on his collar.
- Gets em every time.
- And here's the internationally
famous Hollywood columnist,
Army Orchard, with a
hot item from Tinseltown.
- Barbara Streisand, taking
a cue from Phyllis Diller,
has decided to
undergo plastic surgery
and have her nose done.
The operation is
scheduled for November 3rd,
through November 17th.
- Now an on the spot report
from the Sino-Russian border.
- You know who
visited us this year?
Nixon!
- Oh, big deal.
He visited us too.
- Do you know what he
gave our chairman Brezhnev?
A Cadillac for a gift.
- That's nothing.
You know what he gave Mao?
- Yes.
Two sick musk ox.
- And Taiwan.
- Mind if I come here,
I cannot stand another
of those Russian winters.
La la dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience applause)
- Hey Kitty, what do I
get with a hamburger?
- Usually cramps.
- I'll have one.
- Okay, Ralph, one
burger with cramps.
- If this was one
of my pictures,
the cavalry would have got
here in time to stop that joke.
(horn honks)
(whimsical music)
- Here's a new
department on the show.
We're gonna take any
questions from the audience
and give you a
straight-out answer
so if any of you have
any questions at all
that you'd like to know
about anyone on the show,
or how the show is done,
just anybody who has
any kind of a question.
It doesn't have to be
an important question.
Just any... - Batter up!
- Oh come on, not in my bad ear.
If you have any kind of...
- Batter up!
- Well I suppose that you
have some logical explanation
for why you're out here
screaming in my ear,
dressed up like
a baseball umpire.
- No, but I have a
logical explanation on why
I'm out here screaming in
your ear pretending to be
a baseball umpire.
- I just said that.
- Well it bears repeating.
- I don't think so.
- Well, I didn't
get it quite right.
- No, you didn't,
and I wouldn't expect
you to in the first place.
- Thank you.
- And in the second place
you're not an umpire.
- Ha, ha!
I laugh upon your flannel.
- It's not flannel.
- It looks like flannel.
It just so happens that
tomorrow, I am the guest umpire
at Dodger Stadium.
(laughter)
- You?
The guest umpire? (laughter)
- You touched me,
that'll cost you $150.
- What?!
- You're yelling at me,
that's another $250.
- You're yelling.
- Eh.
- When's the last time
you were behind the plate?
- Well, this morning at
breakfast, I had bacon and eggs...
- I don't wanna hear
about your breakfast.
- Now you're shouting
again, that's another $150!
- $150?
- And arguing that's $200.
Let's see, you owe me $450.
- 150 and 250 is not 450.
- Don't add!
You're arguing with me
again, that's another 150.
- Now, I can't add
it up all together!
Whatever it is, you give me
a check for the whole thing,
or I'll take $3 in cash.
- What makes you
think you know anything
about the game of baseball.
- Well, I never told you
this but 15 years ago
I graduated from the Tony
La Camera umpire school.
Why are you laughing, Ian?
- I graduated from the Tony
La Camera Umpire College
in Boston.
- In Boston?
- Yes, gee I miss
the old alma mater.
The Ivy covered dugouts
and the old school song.
- What old school song?
Ball-a ball-a
Throw, if its gonna go
(laughter) (audience applause)
- Watch the ball go!
- I don't wanna hear any more.
- Wait a minute, Eddie
Fisher gave me that key.
(whip cracks)
- Hey, the guy's here
from Leather Delight!
- How about a practice session?
- Will the real Sammy
Davis please stand up?
- Now that I've got all
my clothes off doctor,
what do I do?
- Oh Raquel, how can I
get a figure like yours?
- Not tonight, George,
I have a headache.
- If that were done with
taste, it couldn't be done at all.
Thank you.
- I'm a tell a you, Sadie,
the streets are
no safe a no more.
Yesterday Mr. Barducci
got a beat a up
right in front of his own
place, that make a big lump
on the side of his head
like a, like a cagootza.
- Oh, who would
do a thing like that?
- Mrs. Barducci.
- Oh, speaking of Mrs.
Barducci, did you know
that my grandmother
has two pair dentures?
- No!
I don't know that!
- She believes in
keeping a kosher mouth.
- Well, I gotta be going in now,
my husband bring the
boss home for dinner.
- Oh, but your husband
doesn't have a job.
- That's right!
And I no have a no dinner!
(laughter)
I fool a you!
(humming poorly)
- Phew, ain't that
a heck of a note.
- My horse has a broken
leg, do I have to shoot him?
- You will unless you can talk
him into committing suicide.
- Oh.
(tires squeal)
(funky fanfare)
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
would like to have you join us
in thanking our
old pal John Wayne
for so graciously appearing
to agree on our show tonight...
- Okay, knock it off.
I kept my half of the bargain,
now give me back the stuff.
- All right, here
are the snapshots.
I dunno what you
were worried about,
you look good in the nude.
- Never mind,
hand over the tapes.
- Okay, here are the tapes.
Hey you know something
Duke, I never heard a grown man
make sounds like that.
- That was a monkey.
Now that I got this stuff
back, I'm gonna tell you
what I really think
about this show.
- Oh, swell.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
here's the fabulous John
Wayne to sing his version
of Tiny Tim's immortal
Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
- Are you crazy?
I've already been forced
to appear on this show,
if you think I'm gonna sing,
- Hey, Billy, you wanna run
that film of the office party?
Start with the scene
where Duke is...
Tiptoe though the
tulips Through the tulips
(audience applauds)
- Hey Duke.
Don't forget to watch
our show next week.
- Yeah, get a load of
some of these people
we're gonna play with.
Swing and sing
- [Announcer]
There's Dyan Cannon!
Hey, there's Sebastian Cabot.
Janet Lee and Julie London.
(horn blares)
Who are those two guys?
Tune in next week and see.
(cast cheers)
- Sarah, Sarah!
I crossed a pole with a bear.
- [Sarah] What
did you get, Ryan?
- I don't know, but it'll hug
you till the cows come home.
(laughter)
- I just heard Earl
Roberts visited Las Vegas,
and when he left, all the
slot machines had two arms.
- Richard.
Raymond Burr is planning
a new detective series
which will take place in
a children's playground.
- [Richard] What's
he gonna call it?
- Iron Slides! (laughter)
- Do you know what I always say?
- [All] No!
- I always say, when you've
come to the end of a perfect day
why go home and spoil it?
(laughter)
- Oh listen.
A friend of mine got
a 12-hour cold capsule
stuck in his throat,
and it took him a
half a day to die!
(laughter)
- Hey Julie, did you hear
about the a-pathetic beaver?
- [Dick] Apathetic.
- Apathetic.
- No, what about
the apathetic beaver?
- He just didn't give a dam.
- Eh, eh, eh, I hear
where The Godfather
is making $1 million a week.
- Yeah, I guess the
picture's doing all right, too.
(laughter)
- All right, I think it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- I wonder if I have time
to tell about the night
my aunt was trapped
in a space capsule,
in a hotel room in Grand Rapids
during the elves' convention?
- No you don't, just
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
- [All] Bye!
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Sayonara, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, dingbat.
- Good night, duck.
I mean Dick!
(laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey, Dick, good night, Dick.
And that's the truth pbbbb.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Spiro.
(swinging theme music)
(loud clanking)
(a woman guffaws)
- Hi, sports fans!
I'm Gary Owens, and tonight
we tip off the 1972 season
of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
with our own beautiful
Downtown Beauties!
(Beauties cheer)
And with these stars from
last year's winning team,
Ruth Buzzi,
Lilly Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
and some great new
rookies, Brian Bressler,
Patti Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk, Willie
Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
with Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
and of course a fantastic
guest star, Isaac Hayes,
Kent McCord, Martin Milner,
Jill St. John, and and
back for their sixth season
our triple threat superstars,
Dan Rowan, and Dick Martin!
- And to help us kick
off this new season,
- The biggest star of
them all, the big Duke,
John Wayne!
(audience applause)
- Thanks for coming
on the show, Duke!
- So nice to be back again.
- Excuse me fellas, excuse me.
(audience applause)
- Ian Bernard and his band.
- Is that all there is?
- Are you kidding?
There's an extra-special guest
just about the best
ring-a-ding singer in the world.
- You mean you got him out
of retirement for this show?
- You bet your Rat Pack we did!
- And he'll be here
right after this message.
(all cheer)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!
(energetic fanfare)
(audience applause)
- I can't believe this!
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- Oh my goodness,
I can't believe this.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
- I can't believe it again.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Well, you like the
new opening look?
- Were there 15 or 20 of them?
(audience laughs)
- Very attractive young ladies.
- Really?
Are they gonna
be on all the time?
- Yes, I thought we
might keep them around.
- Oh, good. (sighs)
There'll be a lot more
rehearsal-ing now, Dan.
(audience laughs)
A lot more rehearsal-ing.
- You win 20 bucks, PK.
- On top of that,
there's gonna be a lot
of rehearsal-ing at night.
- We've got a good way
to get you here on time.
I guess you're
pretty excited, huh?
- I guess so.
Back here in ol' NBC
for the sixth season.
- Oh, not only that, what
about our surprise guest?
- I still can't believe,
he came out of
retirement just for us.
- Yup.
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, there's no point
in waiting any longer.
A man who is perhaps
the finest singer of our time.
("A Foggy Day")
(audience applause)
A foggy day In London town
Got me feeling low
Got me feeling down
I gazed upon the morning
With so much alarm
The British Museum
Had lost its charm
How long I wondered
Could this thing possibly last
(audience applause)
But the age of
miracles It hadn't past
- What kind of a
surprise is next!
That was some night.
- Oh it certainly is.
Everything new.
New people, new ideas.
- You haven't even mentioned
my exciting new outfit!
- Oh, that's exciting.
Aren't you even the least
bit interested in meeting
some of the new cast members?
- Aren't you the least bit
interested in my new suit?
It has new silk
lining, look at that?
- Beautiful.
Some of these people...
- Look at this, even
the sleeves are lined.
Isn't that beautiful, huh?
- Terrific.
- And I have some
wonderful new socks.
Don't they go nice?
They do go nice.
- I can't stay...
- I got them special,
three for a dollar.
I cannot figure out what
to do with the third one.
- Wait till you see
some of the new girls.
- How about my new tie,
didn't mention that huh?
Custom made shirt,
my name on the back.
- What's that, JC Penney.
Listen.
Some of these girls are...
- Feel this material.
It's really broadcloth,
made out of real broads.
- I don't wanna hear about that.
Not only that, but some
of the guys are new...
- Also have silk lining in
my trousers, you wanna see?
- No I don't wanna see!
Dick, we have a whole bunch
of new people on the show,
aren't you interested
in meeting them at all?
- Of course, why do you
think I got dressed up like this?
- Okay, here they are then.
(audience applauds)
(cast members gawk)
- How do you like that?
I got all dressed up, and
not one of them noticed it.
- Would you put
yourself together
before somebody else sees you?
You look like a fool,
for crying out loud.
- Look at those socks.
- Well I know
Look at those socks, hi Duke!
- Hey, Dan!
- Hi, Duke!
- Coincidence.
I got the same socks,
got them on sale.
I don't know what to
do with this third one.
- Let me tell you what you do.
I got a new pair of socks.
Let's go to the party.
(audience applauds)
(funky soul music)
- It's Dan and Duke,
what a surprise!
Fix yourself up a little.
- My wife told me that she
wanted something for her birthday
that she could always remember.
So I bought her the Alamo.
(funky soul music)
- Hey Patti.
- Hm?
- Scientists predict
within the next 10 years,
the air won't be fit to breathe,
the water won't be fit
to drink, and the streets
won't be safe to walk in.
- Oh, well Willie, you gotta
hand it to New York City.
10 years ahead of its time.
- Chuck, I just,
stop it now, pull
yourself together.
I just heard that Budweiser
brewery is going to merge
with Australian
Boomerangs Limited
because they're planning to
make beer cans that you can't
throw away!
- I just heard where a birth
control pill manufacturer's
gonna merge with a
charcoal briquette company.
And they're gonna
produce a briquette
that doesn't only not smoke,
but it doesn't fool around
with women, either.
(funky soul music)
- You know something,
insurance companies
should be in favor
of no fault insurance.
Now after an accident, they
can just cancel both policies.
- Have you ever seen such a
wild, uncontrolled unruly party
as this?
- Oh, are you
kidding, I was in Miami
for the Democratic
Convention, that was a party.
(funky soul music)
- Legalized abortion
in New York state
has been so successful
that a lot of people
are getting them who
aren't even pregnant.
(funky soul music)
- Lester, what do you
think of Sammy Davis Jr.?
- Are you kidding?
I think Sammy Davis
is a credit to his races.
- Speaking of Sammy Davis
Jr, I hear that they're gonna
make a movie of his life.
I Wonder who's gonna
play the part of Sammy?
- Oh, the top half
is Sidney Poitier!
(funky soul music)
- You know, I just tried the
Canadian army exercises,
and uh, I didn't mind
the exercises at all.
But traveling around, you
know, from camp to camp like that
sure wears a girl out.
(funky soul music)
- You know Janice, I ruined
my back last week camping.
- How did that
happen, poor baby?
- Well, it was so crowded
I had to tie both ends
of my hammock to the same tree.
(funky soul music)
- Inflation is really getting
bad, and I'm not kidding.
I asked the bank to
change a 10 dollar bill
and they gave me three
quarters and a nickel.
(funky soul music)
- Don't worry Willie, some
day your ship will come in.
- Yeah, and when it does,
I'll probably have to unload it.
(funky soul music)
- Hey Duke, who skips
across a desert at night
and goes, aaa-ooh!
- I don't know, who?
- Truman Coyote!
(funky soul music)
(audience applause)
- Here you are, how about
a flower for your partner?
- Why, sure.
- Here's your flower.
- Here's my partner.
- Nothing for the bridesmaid?
- A lot of people ask
me why I shave my head.
That's because when I
shave my feet (laughs)
I giggle!
- Coffee my dear?
- No thank you, Charles.
Coffee is not my cup of tea.
(laughs)
- Just think of it
this way, Elmer,
it sure beats jogging.
- Yeah, but I know how to jog.
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy dingies.
Gracious, hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Is Mr. Wayne Newton
at home, little girl?
Oh, oh I'm sorry, Mr. Newton,
I didn't recognize your voice.
Hello?
- By the way, what's for dinner?
- Wait a minute I'll
get the stewardess.
- Get one for me, I'm starved.
Better get two, they're small.
- Hit me.
- Why did you throw your
history teacher out the window?
- Because the english
teacher was too heavy.
Common sense.
- My dog barks night and day.
- We gotta get together, I
got a cat that sings Stardust.
(marching band music)
- Funny, you don't look Jewish.
- You really know how
to treat a guy, Charlie.
Everybody else bought
me flowers and candy.
- As he alighted from his plane,
the critically cute Henry
Kissinger was met at the airport
by vice president Agnew,
who greeted him by saying,
pookie pookie pookie!
- Now Mrs. Jones,
I know it's difficult
but you're going to have
to make some decisions.
Would you like me to
give you perpetual care?
- Well if you feel up to it.
But that's what
killed Mr. Jones.
- And now we take you
back to one of the original
counter sit-ins in the South.
- Yeah, and just
what do you want?
- I want equal rights,
I want open housing,
I want fair job opportunities.
- One number seven!
(gunfire rages)
- Achoo!
- I wish you'd keep quiet.
How do you expect
me to get any sleep?
- Tonight the first
national duck choir.
Conducting, Mr. Duck.
Tonight's selection, We
Wish You A Merry Christmas.
Mr. Quack.
(he quacks)
Center.
Alto ready?
Everybody ready? (laughs)
We
Wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year Everybody?
We wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year!
(audience applauds)
(old timey music)
(fight song)
Give a yell, give a cheer,
Give a look and lend an ear,
Cos it's time for
the big salute!
Give a hoot, give a hey,
Try a zippy hip hooray,
As we lay on the big salute!
Leaping lizards,
glory-osity Zippity doo,
Hallelujah hubba hubba
have we got a gift for you
Have we got a gift for you
Rowan and Martin's Laugh
In salutes the summer of '72!
Fall in line, get in step
Show the world you're really hip
With a salute, a
salute, a salute, a salute
A salute, a salute,
tooty toot, ain't it cute
Do your thing its a big salute
- The Supreme
Court recently decided
that private clubs cannot
be forced to admit blacks.
- Yeah, well I guess now
the state of Alabama's
gonna declare
itself a private club.
- You know this summer, after
senators McGovern and Humphrey
appeared on Meet the
Press, and Face the Nation?
Well Mayor Yorty
demanded equal time,
so they offered him a guest
spot on The Mouse Factory!
- Help, help, I've been rubbed!
- And this was the year
that Dita Beard sang her way
and danced her way through
the summer to the strains of
IT and T for two,
and two for tea
- To me it was a woman.
She was beautiful, and I
loved her more than life itself.
And then one day she's gone.
Another guy.
Is it something
like that with you?
- Well, not exactly.
I was Senator Muskie's
campaign manager.
- Senator Muskie said
he didn't think he could win
with a black man
as his running mate.
Um, way things turned out, a
black man couldn't have won
with Senator Muskie.
- During the summer of
'72 Pope Paul instituted
a new policy at the Vatican
because of the vandalism
attack on Michelangelo's Pieta.
The statue will now be
replaced by a cop wearing a veil.
- Me, India Paryaya of Japan,
appreciate the last visit
of presidential advisor
Henry Kissinger.
And when he left, we found
something missing from our lives.
Six towels, three bars of soap,
and four of our
best geisha girls!
Henry, shame on you.
- You know, over the summer,
I joined the Clifford
Irving book club.
And every month, the mailman
brings me an empty package.
- You know, I wonder how
Mr. Irving wrote that book about
Howard Hughes.
- Hey Howard, where'd you
go after you left Vancouver?
- At the Democratic
Convention Shirley Chisholm
was heard to say,
sure, I'll take second
spot on the ticket,
but I ain't gon do no windows.
- What is it, Rocko?
- Godfather, these two
men, they took my daughter,
my beautiful young daughter
I mean, they dragged
her into the park,
they ripped off her
clothes, they beat her
and they chained her to a tree.
- When did all this happen?
- About two years ago.
- So why didn't you
come to me sooner?
- Oh, she was having
such a good time,
I didn't wanna butt in.
- This summer I was really
worried because I read
that the American
pastime was going on strike.
(whistles) Was I relieved
when I found out they were
only talking about baseball!
- Last summer, Spiro
Agnew really got some action.
He made a speech calling
for a lower American profile.
Yeah, and right after two
million chicks quit wearing bras.
Toss a hat, jump for joy
Down the hatch, chips ahoy
Flap your wing
for the big salute
- Where's Dick?
This is a wonderful
set you've got here.
Decent haunt to be a
cowboy in, but where is he?
- Well Duke, he's really
been looking forward to this,
it's very important to him
and he wants to be sure
he's got everything
just right, you know?
Here he comes.
- All right.
This is the showdown.
Where is everybody?
- You're only supposed to
wear one patch, you dummy.
- You're right.
A lot brighter that way.
I wish you were a lot brighter.
- Ah.
- Look Dick,
you're supposed to be a
cowboy, so act like one.
When you come into
a bar, come in like this.
Whiskey!
(laughter)
Now you try it.
Is he always this stupid?
- Nah, this is one
of his smart days.
- All right, get up.
Now we'll teach you
how to handle yourself
in a western brawl.
Now, you're talking to this
girl, and Black Bart here
tries to bushwhack you.
Now hold it, hold it.
Okay, let it go!
Oh, come on, Dick!
- Huh?
- You did it all wrong.
When you make a fall, you
gotta make it amount to something.
When he hits you over the
back, stumble, fall into the table
and go down.
- Ah, I got it.
- Can I try the piano
this time on him?
- Just hit him.
(laughter) Hard.
Dick, I think you're getting it!
I think he's got it.
- I think he
oughta get it again.
- Now a Western ends
in one of two ways.
Either you finish the fight
or you kiss the Schoolmarm.
- I'll kiss the schoolmarm.
- Howdy.
I'm the new schoolmarm.
- I'll finish the fight.
- Ugh!
Ugh!
- Gimme that.
- Here, I'll break it.
Duke, I'm so glad we
finally got rid of him.
Now we can ride off
into the sunset together.
Hi ho Duke, and away!
(audience applauds)
- Hi ho Duke!
Yeah!
- All right, Tod
read the first letter.
- The first letter
comes from Jodi Frazier
of Twin Falls who
writes, Dear Moosie,
Yesterday at school,
somebody put a frog
in my peanut butter sandwich.
And when I opened
it up, it jumped out!
What should I do?
- Dear Jodi,
Bring another kind
of sandwich to school.
Maybe your frog
doesn't like peanut butter.
- I never met a
man I didn't like.
Except Will Rogers.
Pooky pooky pooky.
(whimsical music)
- Howard Cosell, light of
my life, broadcasting star,
super sports figure,
former attorney at law,
confidante of
Broadway Joe Namath,
Dandy Don Meredith,
Truman Capote, and a
snappy dresser in your own right,
this is Harriet
Cosell, your mother.
Calling from her
beachfront condominium.
Confidentially Howard,
and off the record,
you did not call me last week
to give me your
football predictions.
Don't you trust me Howard?
After all between a
mother and her son
is not the point spread sacred?
- [Announcer] It's showtime
in the Boom Boom Room
in the Club Cici!
And the spotlight
falls on Mike Caldwell!
- Boy, the Boom Boom
Room, you think I'd be nervous,
but I'm not nervous,
do you ever just get up in
the morning and feel like,
ahh!
- I want you to know that I
think you're sick, sick, sick!
Where do I sign up?
- Right here.
How about me?
Next?
- Ike, do you understand
Lawrence Welk's music?
- Not so much music, man,
I don't even
understand his english.
- Hey ladies, my
name is Edith, pbbb.
Edith Anne I'm five
and half years old.
And you know what?
I told my teacher Miss Sweeney
I would bring my flea circus
to school.
And I did, I took some
fleas off of Buster.
And put them in a bottle.
And then when I got to
school, I opened the bottle
and all the fleas jumped
on Miss Sweeney.
And Buster will be very
angry when he finds out
Miss Sweeney ran
away with all of his fleas.
And that's the truth, pbbb.
(gunfire rages)
- It's gonna be all right, boy.
Looks a little
rough right now but,
it'll turn out all
right in the end.
- Yeah how do you know?
- Haven't you seen
any of my pictures?
Things are not what they appear
The neighborhood is lower tier
Guess that's why
the rats moved here
These am the days
- Strive for yourself,
mama, strive for yourself.
Be cool.
Together, you know.
I just found out a white
family just moved in next door.
- Well how can you tell?
- Because its the only house
in town that has a Cadillac
parked in front.
And when they blow they
horn it don't go deet deet.
It goes honky honky.
- That's not nice to talk
about people like that.
We should go over there
and make friends with em.
- You think that, you think
I'm a go and make friends
with somebody who's dumb enough
to live in this neighborhood?
You must be out
your mind, woman.
- Well I mean, some people
might say you're a bigot.
- Nah, when you're
black you're not a bigot.
You a bigotee.
- I think I better go.
I hear the garbage man coming.
- Well tell him to
leave some extra
cos we having company tonight.
These am the days
(whimsical music) (car skids)
- Listen you must stay tuned
for more of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh In, when Marlon
Brando, Elizabeth Taylor
Richard Burton and
Barbara Streisand
may also be watching.
- Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
(all cheer)
- Here I am,
appearing on Laugh-In.
Now that's what I call
really getting the shaft.
- Listen gang, you're
about to see a sketch
which will be a
television first.
Tonight, on our
stage, Mr. John Wayne.
- Hold it.
We've got a real problem.
- What's a matter?
- Well, John Wayne
refuses to do the sketch,
he says he feels stupid.
- Well where is he?
- Well, he's backstage
holding his breath.
- Oh, that's ridiculous,
I'll talk to him.
Hey Duke, come
here, what's the matter?
What's the problem?
(audience laughs)
- First one that snickers
gets a broken face.
- I don't understand
what's bothering you.
- Well I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
I'm a grown man, you
got me all dressed up
in a silly bunny outfit.
- Well naturally, you're playing
the lead in a bunny sketch.
- No I'm not.
I'm an actor and
I read the part,
it's demeaning and
embarrassing and I won't do it.
- Oh, come on Duke.
There are no bad parts.
There are only bad bunnies!
- Come on, get the rest
of the gang on stage.
Come on, gang, come on.
(laughter)
- How would you like a
punch in your banana?
- Oh, all right, easy now.
Come on now.
Let's just run over the
first scene, see how it goes.
- Okay okay.
Oh dear, oh dear!
Tomorrow is Easter, we
have no eggs for the children.
- Oh, don't worry, Billy
Bunny will bring them.
- Oh joy, here he comes now.
- Okay, now that's
your cue, Duke, you say,
My name is Billy Bunny,
and I lost my eggs.
- Ugh, this is ridiculous.
- It certainly is.
This is how bunnies hop.
- No Donna, they hop like this.
- Brian hops
better, look at this.
- Confidentially I can
out-hop him with one ear
tied behind my back.
I'm gonna go to some
bar and have a martini.
And a carrot.
- Duke doesn't hop like a bunny.
- Ah, at his age I'd be
surprised if he does anything
like a bunny.
- I don't know.
All them bunnies
look alike to me.
- Well, I guess it
could have been worse.
They could have asked
me to dress up like a liberal.
- Here comes Father Sweeney now.
I wonder who that's with him.
- Pardon?
Oh.
- You fellas better
try another priest.
This may take a while.
- I do wish you wouldn't
laugh at these people.
It only encourages them.
- Are you sure this is
all right for us to do?
Well, what would my daddy say?
Daddy?!
- Come here and
kiss your old dad.
- Oh!
- Nothing for the bridesmaid?
- How long we
been riding together?
- About three years.
- It's about time then eh?
How about it.
- What do you mean,
how about it? (laughter)
- I think I love you.
(laughter)
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- About three (laughs)
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
(laughter)
- Let's try that again.
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- Oh, about three years.
(laughter)
- Really?
How bout it.
(laughter)
- [Clapper] 123.
- I can't do it.
- Oh yes you can.
- No I can't Marty.
- Don't look at me.
- [Clapper] 123.
- How long we
been riding together?
- Eh, about three years.
- It's about time
then, how bout it.
- Okay, you can steer.
- Hey, can I try the siren?
- Go ahead.
(laughter)
- Did you turn it on?
- You're supposed
to say what's that.
(laughter)
Yes, because they're
gonna lay the siren in.
(laughter)
- Oh, that's what
you were saying.
- Yeah (laughs)
- Here's a letter.
Dear Tod,
I hope you can
help me with my son.
Every morning when he gets
up, he asks me for a cookie.
He asks me for a cookie
when I'm doing the dishes.
When I'm trying
to clean the house.
When I'm making supper.
He's always asking
me for a cookie!
He's driving me crazy!
What should I do?
Signed, Mrs. L.
- Dear Mrs. L, give
the kid a cookie!
- Godfather, every day for
the past ten years this man
has come to my house,
dressed in woman's clothes,
he puts a gun to my ribs,
and he makes me kiss him.
- What do you want
me to do Rocko?
- Could you come to the wedding?
(whimsical music)
- Can't make it.
- Could you come
to the christening?
- Hey Dick?
- Yeah?
- I crossed Wilt Chamberlain
with a chihuahua.
- You're kidding,
and what'd you get?
- I got a long little dog.
- Mr. Duke, would you
do something for me?
- Sure, what is it?
(whimsical music)
- Well all right,
but only one egg.
- Time once again to
learn to dance at home.
I am your graceful
instructor Pierre Le Ploup.
And this is my lovely
and graceful assistant,
my lovely and
graceful assistant,
my lovely dum-dum!
J'ecuntelah.
Together we will show
you one of the most graceful
and elegant steps
in all of dancing,
the spin!
The man raises his
arm like so, like, so,
and the partner
lightly spins around.
Allez, there we go.
And as she goes lightly!
Quietly!
(Pierre yells)
This time, I'm going
to rip out your hair!
Now then.
We will attempt to show you
the most difficult maneuver
of the world.
It is called, the lift.
Now the girl must
run to her partner,
who grabs her by the
waist, and lifts her high
over his head.
Now, this is very
difficult, but you know
I have complete faith
in you, dear J'ecuntelah.
Now,
are we ready to go?
Allez?
Allez?!
Allez!
(audience applauds)
(silly slide whistles)
What's the news
across the nation
Across the nation
Across the nation
We have got the
information Information
Information
In a way, we hope you amuse yous
Never confuse yous
Thrill and enthuse yous
We just love to
give you our news
La la dee da (audience laughs)
Help us one and all sing
Laugh In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh In news
With Anwar Sadat looking sheikh,
Daniel Ellsburg
springing a leak,
Jackie Onassis with a Greek,
and Jack Anderson taking a peek.
- First these headlines.
- Police make big bust
in silicone injection ring.
- Wilt Chamberlain
arrested today in Paris
for dancing with
the Eiffel Tower.
- An Air Burbank jumbo
jet was forced to land
when it ran out of firewood.
- More on these
stories later, but foist,
er, first, here's Dick with
the news of the present.
- Hollywood, California.
Film-land was overjoyed
today when it was learned
that former child star Annette
Funicello, you remember her,
Annette Funicello,
became a mother
at Disneyland
Maternity Hospital.
- [Dan] Oh, a mouseketeer?
- Yes, where she gave
birth to a nine pound mouse.
Annette said, he's beautiful,
he's got my eyes
and his father's tail.
(laughs)
A Japanese freighter
carrying a cargo of yo-yos
in bound for the United
States was rammed
somewhere off Hawaii late today.
And sank 137 times.
- Very well, news of the future
20 years from now, the five
year marriage of Harry the robot
and his robot wife Shirley,
considered to be
an electronic miracle,
came to an end today
when for no apparent reason
Harry suddenly
went from AC to DC.
Moving right along
with news of the future,
20 years from now Ralph
Nader's recent charges,
alleging widespread
inferior surgical techniques
finally produced results
when Dr. Clarence Peterson
of emergency hospital
was forced to recall
over 500,000
faulty gall bladders.
- Now to a remote
jungle village somewhere
in the Phillip-ynes.
- Phillip-ynes?
- Philippines.
(laughter)
- I imagine that the
coronation of a new king
is quite an event.
Tell me, when was the last time
you celebrated such an event?
- About five minutes ago.
This is the 411th
new king today.
- Well tell me, why do
you have so many kings?
- Shh!
The ceremony is about to begin.
I hereby crown you the new king!
The king is dead!
Long live the new king!
Next!
Wonder what... I
am terribly sorry.
I am the king!
- Now do our down east
sportscaster Jud Strunk,
with the game of the week
from Farmington Maine,
the sports capital of America.
- Hi there.
Jud Strunk here from
Farmington, Maine,
sport capital of the world.
We got a terrific
thing for you this week,
the Farmington Derby.
The run for the petunias.
The roses caught the frost.
This year, what has gotta
be done now is them horses
gotta be back by
them little fellas
all the way around the track,
by that white rail
and into them stalls
before the bell rings.
It's tricky, but let's
see if they can do it.
(whistle blows)
They're off!
And look at Cyrus
Quigley on Adelaide,
Hanover coming
up on the outside,
that's Victory
Chime on the inside
and Blueberry Hill
coming up over.
It looks like Adelaide
Vedershpiel has got Victory Chime
by a nose, coming
in pretty good,
they're getting to the
3/4 post, almost in now,
there is the gates, and
they're in, there goes the bell.
(bell rings)
Well I dunno who won
but I'll tell you one thing.
They didn't win by a nose.
- Here's the minority point
of view with Willie Tyler
and Lester.
- And now its time for the
black news and comment.
I'm your anchorman Willie Tyler.
- And I'm your
colored man, Lester.
- It's color man, would
you read the cue cards?
- You read the cue cards
man, cos I cannot see.
You think I'm real don't you?
You better shape up or I'm
gonna get me another dummie.
Go ahead.
- A large blackout hit the
city of Los Angeles yesterday.
Power company officials say
it was caused by an overload
due to heavy use
of air conditioning
and swimming pool filters.
- Air conditioning and
swimming pool filters?
That explains it.
- Explains what?
- Why the only place that
still had lights was Watts.
- One final item.
Two white congressmen
from New York
went to Harlem for a week,
to find out what it was like
to live as a black
man in the ghetto.
- Yeah and after three
days one had to leave
when he discovered
he was allergic
to barbecue ribs
and chicken wings.
The other one was
beaten up by a group,
blah blah blah,
ah, get it together!
It's okay to mess yours up man,
now don't mess mine up, man.
- Recently at a meeting
of the Hollywood press,
John Wayne made a statement.
Here is a film of
that statement.
- My name is John Wayne.
You can kiss my leading
lady or steal my Levi's,
but don't lie to me.
I think a man oughta be a man.
Not like these guys
you see walking down
Hollywood Boulevard,
going la de da, la de da.
Me, I like sitting on the
prairie by a campfire.
No doubt about it, I enjoy
acting whether it's with
Maureen O'Hara
or Ernest Borgnine.
- Now that's a simple,
straightforward statement
but here's what might happen
in the hands of an
unscrupulous editor.
- Mr. Wayne, you've
had a long career.
What would you
tell people who say
you're just a cowboy actor.
- You can kiss my Levi's.
- Mr. Wayne, when you're
not playing one of your strong,
silent heroes, what
are you usually doing?
- Walking down Hollywood
Boulevard going la dee da.
- Well how did you
acquire your cowboy walk?
- Sitting on a campfire.
- One final question sir,
who is the most beautiful
and sexy costar you
ever worked with?
- No doubt about
it, Ernest Borgnine.
- Now a new wrinkle
in news-casting,
the senior citizen's report.
- There's old news tonight!
- Marilyn Bettoday sued Ernest,
her husband of 82
years for divorce.
When asked why they
were splitting up, she said,
I knew my husband
was fooling around
when he came home one
night with denture cream
on his collar.
- Gets em every time.
- And here's the internationally
famous Hollywood columnist,
Army Orchard, with a
hot item from Tinseltown.
- Barbara Streisand, taking
a cue from Phyllis Diller,
has decided to
undergo plastic surgery
and have her nose done.
The operation is
scheduled for November 3rd,
through November 17th.
- Now an on the spot report
from the Sino-Russian border.
- You know who
visited us this year?
Nixon!
- Oh, big deal.
He visited us too.
- Do you know what he
gave our chairman Brezhnev?
A Cadillac for a gift.
- That's nothing.
You know what he gave Mao?
- Yes.
Two sick musk ox.
- And Taiwan.
- Mind if I come here,
I cannot stand another
of those Russian winters.
La la dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(audience applause)
- Hey Kitty, what do I
get with a hamburger?
- Usually cramps.
- I'll have one.
- Okay, Ralph, one
burger with cramps.
- If this was one
of my pictures,
the cavalry would have got
here in time to stop that joke.
(horn honks)
(whimsical music)
- Here's a new
department on the show.
We're gonna take any
questions from the audience
and give you a
straight-out answer
so if any of you have
any questions at all
that you'd like to know
about anyone on the show,
or how the show is done,
just anybody who has
any kind of a question.
It doesn't have to be
an important question.
Just any... - Batter up!
- Oh come on, not in my bad ear.
If you have any kind of...
- Batter up!
- Well I suppose that you
have some logical explanation
for why you're out here
screaming in my ear,
dressed up like
a baseball umpire.
- No, but I have a
logical explanation on why
I'm out here screaming in
your ear pretending to be
a baseball umpire.
- I just said that.
- Well it bears repeating.
- I don't think so.
- Well, I didn't
get it quite right.
- No, you didn't,
and I wouldn't expect
you to in the first place.
- Thank you.
- And in the second place
you're not an umpire.
- Ha, ha!
I laugh upon your flannel.
- It's not flannel.
- It looks like flannel.
It just so happens that
tomorrow, I am the guest umpire
at Dodger Stadium.
(laughter)
- You?
The guest umpire? (laughter)
- You touched me,
that'll cost you $150.
- What?!
- You're yelling at me,
that's another $250.
- You're yelling.
- Eh.
- When's the last time
you were behind the plate?
- Well, this morning at
breakfast, I had bacon and eggs...
- I don't wanna hear
about your breakfast.
- Now you're shouting
again, that's another $150!
- $150?
- And arguing that's $200.
Let's see, you owe me $450.
- 150 and 250 is not 450.
- Don't add!
You're arguing with me
again, that's another 150.
- Now, I can't add
it up all together!
Whatever it is, you give me
a check for the whole thing,
or I'll take $3 in cash.
- What makes you
think you know anything
about the game of baseball.
- Well, I never told you
this but 15 years ago
I graduated from the Tony
La Camera umpire school.
Why are you laughing, Ian?
- I graduated from the Tony
La Camera Umpire College
in Boston.
- In Boston?
- Yes, gee I miss
the old alma mater.
The Ivy covered dugouts
and the old school song.
- What old school song?
Ball-a ball-a
Throw, if its gonna go
(laughter) (audience applause)
- Watch the ball go!
- I don't wanna hear any more.
- Wait a minute, Eddie
Fisher gave me that key.
(whip cracks)
- Hey, the guy's here
from Leather Delight!
- How about a practice session?
- Will the real Sammy
Davis please stand up?
- Now that I've got all
my clothes off doctor,
what do I do?
- Oh Raquel, how can I
get a figure like yours?
- Not tonight, George,
I have a headache.
- If that were done with
taste, it couldn't be done at all.
Thank you.
- I'm a tell a you, Sadie,
the streets are
no safe a no more.
Yesterday Mr. Barducci
got a beat a up
right in front of his own
place, that make a big lump
on the side of his head
like a, like a cagootza.
- Oh, who would
do a thing like that?
- Mrs. Barducci.
- Oh, speaking of Mrs.
Barducci, did you know
that my grandmother
has two pair dentures?
- No!
I don't know that!
- She believes in
keeping a kosher mouth.
- Well, I gotta be going in now,
my husband bring the
boss home for dinner.
- Oh, but your husband
doesn't have a job.
- That's right!
And I no have a no dinner!
(laughter)
I fool a you!
(humming poorly)
- Phew, ain't that
a heck of a note.
- My horse has a broken
leg, do I have to shoot him?
- You will unless you can talk
him into committing suicide.
- Oh.
(tires squeal)
(funky fanfare)
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
would like to have you join us
in thanking our
old pal John Wayne
for so graciously appearing
to agree on our show tonight...
- Okay, knock it off.
I kept my half of the bargain,
now give me back the stuff.
- All right, here
are the snapshots.
I dunno what you
were worried about,
you look good in the nude.
- Never mind,
hand over the tapes.
- Okay, here are the tapes.
Hey you know something
Duke, I never heard a grown man
make sounds like that.
- That was a monkey.
Now that I got this stuff
back, I'm gonna tell you
what I really think
about this show.
- Oh, swell.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
here's the fabulous John
Wayne to sing his version
of Tiny Tim's immortal
Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
- Are you crazy?
I've already been forced
to appear on this show,
if you think I'm gonna sing,
- Hey, Billy, you wanna run
that film of the office party?
Start with the scene
where Duke is...
Tiptoe though the
tulips Through the tulips
(audience applauds)
- Hey Duke.
Don't forget to watch
our show next week.
- Yeah, get a load of
some of these people
we're gonna play with.
Swing and sing
- [Announcer]
There's Dyan Cannon!
Hey, there's Sebastian Cabot.
Janet Lee and Julie London.
(horn blares)
Who are those two guys?
Tune in next week and see.
(cast cheers)
- Sarah, Sarah!
I crossed a pole with a bear.
- [Sarah] What
did you get, Ryan?
- I don't know, but it'll hug
you till the cows come home.
(laughter)
- I just heard Earl
Roberts visited Las Vegas,
and when he left, all the
slot machines had two arms.
- Richard.
Raymond Burr is planning
a new detective series
which will take place in
a children's playground.
- [Richard] What's
he gonna call it?
- Iron Slides! (laughter)
- Do you know what I always say?
- [All] No!
- I always say, when you've
come to the end of a perfect day
why go home and spoil it?
(laughter)
- Oh listen.
A friend of mine got
a 12-hour cold capsule
stuck in his throat,
and it took him a
half a day to die!
(laughter)
- Hey Julie, did you hear
about the a-pathetic beaver?
- [Dick] Apathetic.
- Apathetic.
- No, what about
the apathetic beaver?
- He just didn't give a dam.
- Eh, eh, eh, I hear
where The Godfather
is making $1 million a week.
- Yeah, I guess the
picture's doing all right, too.
(laughter)
- All right, I think it's time
to say good night, Dick.
- I wonder if I have time
to tell about the night
my aunt was trapped
in a space capsule,
in a hotel room in Grand Rapids
during the elves' convention?
- No you don't, just
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
- [All] Bye!
(applause)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Sayonara, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, dingbat.
- Good night, duck.
I mean Dick!
(laughs)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Hey, Dick, good night, Dick.
And that's the truth pbbbb.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Spiro.
(swinging theme music)
(loud clanking)
(a woman guffaws)