Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 20 - Episode #5.20 - full transcript
(audience applauding)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're so happy with our
special guest star
tonight, oh she's super.
- She is, yes.
And here she is now, the star
of the hit show Funny Face.
- The sweet and
lovable Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauding)
- I'm not late or
anything, am I?
- No, no, no, of course not.
And even if you were late,
we'd be delighted
to wait for you.
- Oh no, no, I wouldn't
want you to do that.
I mean I don't wanna cause
anybody trouble or anything.
- Look Sandy, you don't
have to be shy and reticent,
you're a big star now.
- I am?
- [Dick] Sure.
- Well you certainly are,
your own hit television series,
big motion pictures.
Why you're so popular, people
love you everywhere you go.
You have to start asserting
yourself a little more.
- I do?
- Well certainly,
stars have power.
- No kidding.
- Oh-ho, why you can
have people waiting on you
hand and foot.
- Yeah as a matter a fact...
- Ah, would you just, hold
on a minute, let Dan talk.
- That's right, show a
little spunk, a little fire.
- Look don't tell me what
to do bozo, I'm a star.
Stars have power.
- That's it, now you got it.
Now you're thinkin'
big, you're actin' big.
From here on in, you
accept only the best.
- You better believe it kid,
now if you'll excuse
me I'm gonna be leaving.
- Huh?
- Where you goin'?
- Look, ah, I'm not gonna
fool around anymore.
I'm gonna demand
nothing but the best.
I'm going back to the
Flip Wilson show, all right.
(voices drown out by
audience applauding)
- Go ahead, jump, jump!
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Miss Grumbly.
Would you please tell the
court what happened on the night
of August the 20th.
- Yes.
- And would you also tell the
court what happened on the
night of January the 3rd.
- Yes.
- And would you
please keep quiet
about what happened last night,
I could lose my license,
not to mention my scruples.
- What about your scruples?
- I told you not
to mention those.
(audience laughing)
- Bring it on around here.
- Dorothy, can someone
get this to the car for me?
- Oh Mrs.
Vanderguilt, I'm sorry,
all the boys have gone home.
- Oh, please.
- Well all right,
which car is yours?
- It's the blue Mercedes
right over there.
- Oh, I see it.
(light, bouncy music)
(crashing)
Lord, that wasn't your
mother sittin' in the front seat,
was it?
(audience laughing)
- You know as soon as I saw
the song A Boy Named Sue,
I knew it was a hit.
And since bein' in Hollywood,
I've seen a lot more.
Not hit songs, just
boys named Sue.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, did you hear about
the Burbank policeman,
he threw a crook in
jail, and he missed.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Emperor Hirohito,
you're the first emperor
to have left Japan
in over 2,500 years.
How come no one
has ever left before?
- The palace door was stuck.
(audience laughing)
- Are you Paul Lynde?
- If I'm not, I've
been talkin' funny
all these years for nothin'.
(audience laughing)
- (laughing) Oh Tiny,
I bought this dress
because it matches
my personality.
- Oh you're right,
Miss Joann, it's loud.
- Oho!
Uh!
(audience laughing)
- Oh hello friends, this is
chaplain Bud Homily here
with this thought for today.
The wise man never
casts the first stone.
(stone banging)
(audience laughing)
- Is that a lake up ahead?
- No, must be a mirage.
- Well I'm sure glad a that.
- Why?
- 'Cause two of our
mules just drown in it.
(audience laughing)
- Sandy, how does it feel to
be here with us on Laugh-In?
- Well, it's better than having
a hawk under your dress.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I get this
feeling people are always
laughing at me behind my back.
(doctor laughing)
(audience laughing)
(woman coughing)
- Yes?
- I'd like to open an account.
- Well, I'm terribly sorry,
you haven't filled
out your form.
- Oh, that's what
everybody keeps telling me.
(audience laughing)
- I understand there's a new
movement called musician's lib.
Just the other day, Herb
Alpert burned his brass.
(audience laughing)
- Now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
school of poetry
and hard knocks,
NBC, the Nearly
Begging Cash network,
tries to borrow or steal
its way out of presenting
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring the rich voice,
Dan Rowan, and the
poor mouth, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauding)
And, Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Allen, Johnny
Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
with Richard Dawson,
Larry Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With cameo appearances
by Johnny Cash,
Paul Lynde, Terry-Thomas,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens, asking parents,
do you know where
your children are tonight?
If so, do you happen to
know where mine are?
They were suppose
to be here a couple of...
(audience laughing)
- Well I better be leaving.
- Oh don't leave until
you've had some coffee,
Mrs. Wholesome.
- Oh yeah, you've gotta
taste my wife's coffee,
Mrs. Wholesome.
You take one sip a her
coffee and listen real close,
you can hear your
tonsils prayin' for mercy.
- Powers, please.
Mrs. Wholesome, my
husband is always making fun
of my coffee, can you help me?
- Well, I think so.
(coffee pot clanging)
(audience laughing)
(dishes rattling)
- They say that two
wrongs never make a right.
And here they are to prove it,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(upbeat, enthusiastic music)
- Thank you, oh
you're very nice,
thank you very much.
Good evening,
good evening ladies...
- Okay now, on
the count of three,
one, two, three.
(laughing) That's good.
Over here now.
- What're you doing?
- Huh, me?
Well I'm not doing anything.
But did you see the great Zanu?
- What's Zanu?
- I don't know,
what's Zanu with you?
- Awe, you didn't, oh all right
you just hooked
me with an old joke.
What have you got there?
- It's really Zanu, the star
of Dick Martin's flea circus.
- A flea circus, where
did you get fleas?
- Well it wasn't easy, what
I did is I put on my brother's
25-year-old raccoon coat.
- What were you doing in
a 25-year-old raccoon coat?
- A lot a this.
- Wild fleas.
- Yes, indeed.
- These fleas weren't
already trained?
- No, I guess you could
say I started from scratch.
- I guess so, I would never
say that though.
- Sneaked it in again.
- What kind of stunts
do these fleas do?
- Well, I have one flea that
can push a station wagon
with six people in it.
- That's incredible.
- Oh, it's not a big
thing, there's a trick to it.
- Oh, well I imagine there
would be, what's the trick?
- He wears special shoes.
- Special shoes.
(audience laughing)
- Here, if you look
real close, you can...
- I don't wanna look real close.
You come up with another
one a these dumb jokes,
stories of yours,
none of it's true.
- You won't say that when
you hear Dick Martin's
all-flea marching band.
Come on out, guys.
(audience laughing)
- I don't hear anything.
- Well of course not,
but put the mike on 'em.
Could I have the mike?
(audience laughing)
(lively orchestra music)
(audience laughing)
Huh?
- I don't believe it.
- Of course.
- That's fantastic, you've
finally came up with somethin'
that's gonna make
us millionaires.
We'll get a command performance.
We're gonna be the most
famous act in show business.
Hey, get a tight
shot a the band.
(feet stomping)
(foot crushing)
(audience laughing)
- Uh-hum, would
you be interested in a
tap-dancing centipede?
(audience laughing)
How bout a juggling tick mouse?
How bout a six
roller skating termite?
And a partridge in a pear tree.
- And now Frank Lloyd Wright
and the orchestra to play,
Take the A Frame.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Uh, you know that crime is
getting so bad in Washington
that last Easter instead
of eggs 18 tourists
got rolled on the
White House lawn.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I went out last night
with a real wild chic.
- [Dan And Dick] With a what?
- With a wild chick, and we
were hugging and passionately.
- [Dan And Dick]
You were doin' what?
- We were hugging passionately
in the back seat a my car.
And just as I was
about to kiss her...
- [Dan And Dick]
About to do what?
- To kiss her.
The dumb car swerved off
the freeway and hit a tree,
thank you very much.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I read in the paper where
some New York policemen
are accepting (laughing)
accepting money as payoffs.
I've bribed many
cops in my time,
but it never dawned on
me to use money (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know if Julius
Caesar had had a phase two,
Mark Anthony's most famous
line probably would've been,
"Friends, Romans,
countrymen, lend me a buck."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- We just learned that some
of those ghetto tenements
have four and five families
living in one apartment.
My husband was so shocked,
he immediately raised the rent.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know I've been seeing
an awful lot of you lately.
- But Dick we just met.
- Yeah, but you live in
the building next to mine
and you haven't been pullin'
down your shades you know.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Our tribe has combination
rain dance and fertility right.
That explains why so many
Indian children are named
Thunder and Lightning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh hi (laughing).
You know if they ever
start a football team
at the College of
Cardinals in Rome,
they'd just be terrific.
I mean how could
you beat a team where
the quarterback's infallible?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh, ah, yes.
I got a standing ovation after
an operation this morning.
You know I accidentally
brought the wrong bag to surgery
and had to remove some
guy's appendix with a 4-iron.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Richard just can't get
used to being married.
Every time he hears a
noise in the house at night,
he grabs his clothes
and leaps out the window.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Um, sen, excuse me, senator,
do you think that
there's going to be any
name-calling in your
upcoming campaign?
- Absolutely not, son.
Unless my commie,
fascist opponent starts it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Ah, Johnny, does your
son ever feel that he's
standing in your shadow?
- Yeah, and so do half
of the people on our block.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Well, you know what,
I've been thinking...
- What?
- Well, watching all these
political campaigns and
candidates and
stuff on television,
I really learned something.
- Yeah, what's that, Sandy?
- Whoo, those cigarette
commercials weren't that bad.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- What've you got up
front, as if I didn't know.
- A-32-B.
- Aw, 32-B, or 32 not to
be, that is the question.
(audience laughing)
(imitating purring)
- What do you mean,
I'm dressed improperly?
The invitation
says black tie only.
(audience laughing)
- This town is really somethin'.
Down where I come from,
somebody that's high on grass
is just happy
about his front lawn.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, this is great, I mean
this is the first time I've
ever walked into this
bank and I didn't have to
wait in a line, I
mean it's fabulous.
How do you explain this?
- It's very easy Miss,
this window's closed.
(audience laughing)
- Okay buddy,
you're under arrest.
I'm gonna throw the book at you.
- Hey but why officer, I wasn't
speeding, I wasn't drinking,
I wasn't breaking
any laws at all,
I mean I was just taking
a ride with my girlfriend.
- Yeah, you're also
taking a ride with my wife.
(audience laughing)
Hilda where did you
get those hot pants?
Are those mine?
(audience laughing)
- My daddy's in bed, and I
can pinch my doll if I want to.
We used to have a black
and white television set.
Until I got watercolors
for Christmas.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical, bouncy music)
(high-pitched squashing)
(high-pitched squashing)
(splatting)
(audience laughing)
- Boy, I just love
doing Laugh-In.
It sure beats sitting
at home watching it.
(audience laughing)
- All right kids,
it's Uncle Al time.
Thank goodness for Al time.
Howdy, howdy, ow!
I have whiplash, whiplash!
- [Woman] Aw well,
you should've had a
safety belt, Uncle Al.
- You're right, I should have
a belt before I come in here
for safety.
Well hi to all my little
nieces and nephews.
- [Woman] You're not my uncle.
- Uh, shut up, or I'll hold
my breath and pass out.
- [Woman] If you don't hold
your breath, we'll all pass out.
(audience laughing)
- After being in show
business for a number of years,
I've learned two
important things.
One, never whistle
in a dressing room.
And two, (biting) never
hold up two fingers.
(audience laughing)
(light, fast music)
- You didn't pass
your driver's test.
- Well, no, they said I
wasn't good enough,
but I mean anybody can
make a right-hand turn
from a right-hand lane,
to do it the way I did it
requires an expert.
- Well did the
examiner tell you...
- Will you just, I don't
even wanna hear examiner.
They're just a bunch a grouches.
After it was all over
they told this man
that he would walk again.
You know he never
even cracked a smile.
- After what was all over?
- The test, I mean I was
goin' along really good
and then this man
says, "Hit the brake."
Now I mean this in not
suppose to be some kind of a
stopping test, this is
suppose to be a driving test.
Right?
(clearing throat)
- I don't wanna hear
anymore about it.
- Okay, well, anyway,
you're gonna have to hear
a little more about
it because the,
the four lawyers are
gonna call you sometime,
um later, today.
- The four lawyers?
- Well, they're kinda the
attorneys for the people
who were injured.
- You injured four other people?
- Well for right now.
Later, it could turn out
to be a little bit more
when they get to the creek.
- Well that does it.
You've finally ruined me.
I'm going out and kill myself.
- Oh honey, wait a
minute, I'll drive you.
(audience laughing)
- In what?
- Sandy I have to tell you,
you're just super to work with.
You're certainly one of the
sweetest persons I've ever met.
- Well thank you.
See, I think that's because I
learned a long time ago that
well, if you have nothing
nice to say about somebody,
it's just better not
to say anything at all.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
And what'da you think
about being on Laugh-In?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Thomas, does that...
- Yes, Miss.
- Hi.
- Hello, Terry-Thomas,
you can call me Terry.
- Yes, Mr. Terry-Thomas,
does that separation
right in here in your teeth
have any advantages?
- Well, come over here and I'll,
yes, oh yes, when I'm
upset I can sip a martini,
suck on the olive, and
spit out the pimento
without ever
unclenching my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- Say listen, this
flower pot isn't marked,
how much is it?
- Ah this'll run you
about $2 a piece.
- $2 a piece!
- Yeah, I'll just
stamp it for you.
(pot breaking)
- Ah, let's see, at $2 a
piece, let's see, that's about
eight or, eight
pieces, that'll be $19.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to call
the next witness.
- You can call her
anything you like.
Meanwhile, would you
call my wife and tell her
I'll be late for dinner?
(audience laughing)
Every girly in the 30's
Had a case a flirties
That's a silly way it was
She'd be dancing
off her shoesies
Shoutin' out the newsies
It was always staged
by Buzz-Bee Berkeley.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope amuses
If it won't then don't abuse us
We just love, whoo-who
To give you our views
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Gettin' to be a habit
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with topless Eskimos cold,
Georgie Jessel old,
London bridge sold,
and tourist in
Central Park rolled.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Sophia Loren was rushed
to a Paris hospital today.
Doctors there stated that
she will be kept under their
observation for several weeks,
adding that there was
absolutely nothing wrong
with Miss Loren, they
just wanted to observe her.
(audience laughing)
Shows good... - Seems fair.
- [Dick] Shows good sense.
- Indeed.
- Sing-Sing, New York,
Warden Lewis E. Laws, III
announced today that the
new marital visitation program
for pisoners, prisoners,
make that an R in there,
prisoners...
- That's 20, all right.
- Has proved very successful.
"I am proud to
announce," he declared,
"that one of the inmates
has become the father of a
"fine eight pound chip
off the old cell block,
"who will be named,
706491, Junior."
(audience laughing)
And now here's Dan
with fews in the nuture.
(audience laughing)
- Few of the nuture, 20 years
from now, dateline Washington.
A month ago congress hired
the A.C. Nielsen company,
the television rating service,
to conduct a poll to
measure the popularity of
other areas of American life.
As a result of their findings,
based upon the ratings,
the city of Cleveland,
Ohio today was cancelled.
(audience laughing)
See they looked
at the ratings...
- Let me get that straight...
- [Dan] Through
the TV rating service
and said it was, well...
- I see.
- You'll work it out.
News of the future 20
years from now Disneyland
has just declared itself
capital of the United States.
That's right, they've
divided the entire country
into four sections.
The West, is frontier land.
New York City is adventure land.
Alaska is tomorrow land.
While Washington, D.C.
will not be changed at all,
it will remain the same old
fantasy land it always has been.
(audience laughing)
- And now for kid news for kids,
we take you to Moosie Drier,
in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Today at school we learned
all about George Washington.
'Cause tomorrow is his birthday.
George Washington is
famous for many things.
He was our first president
of the United States.
And when he was a little boy,
he chopped down a cherry tree.
And when his father said,
"Who chopped down that
"cherry tree?",
Georgie told him,
"I cannot tell a lie, father,
"I did it with my
little hatchet."
And he said that for
a very good reason,
because when his
father asked him,
he still had his little
hatchet in his hand.
(audience laughing)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Recently an opponent
of pornographic films
made the following statement.
- Um, I enjoy a good family
film, but not dirty movies.
I am against naked men and
women cavorting in bedroom
after bedroom, and I am
not alone in this thought.
The Supreme Court
should take action,
they know what to do.
(audience laughing)
- In the hands of an
unscrupulous film editor,
that statement can take on
a totally different meaning.
- What kind of
films do you enjoy?
- Dirty movies.
- What do you like to
see most in these movies?
- Naked men.
- Well where have you
seen movies like this?
- In bedroom after bedroom.
- Who are you with when
you see all these movies?
- The Supreme Court.
- The Supreme Court?
- They know what to do.
(audience laughing)
- Now Miss Lily Tomlin
to explain the devaluation
of the American dollar.
- Ah well, when you have,
when the dollar is de, de,
the thing first of
all, if you pretend,
if you can think
that maybe it's a big,
you know you cut
it in, there's little,
part of it goes, you
send some of it over,
and, but it's when you,
it's not, there's nothing in,
there's no fill, there's
nothing with it because
they've tried to ex,
to a, they want it to,
they've tried to flow it
to, to make it meet to a,
the, what it means
actually, we are broke.
(audience laughing)
- Chief, I understand
that recently your tribe was
very primitive.
Your people went
naked and uneducated,
but now foreign aid
has sent you books,
have they helped?
- Uh, helped, I think
they're gorgeous!
(audience laughing)
- Hi (laughing) Bizzy Buzzy
here with the tinsel town dirt.
Another wonderful Hollywood
marriage is on the rocks.
The storybook romance
between Lance Proudfoot and
his newly-acquired bride,
Tina, was ended today
when Lance caught his
agent taking 10% of Tina.
(audience laughing) Kissy-kissy.
- And that's the way it will
be January 60th, 2000-0-1.
(audience laughing)
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Excuse me, do you
have change for a five?
- Ah, I'll, I'll
check, I'm not now,
but I will look, I'll check.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let's see, I can't,
ah, here's the top...
- Hey, hey!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh sir, but, oh...
- Don't worry my dear,
I'll get the police.
- She asked me for...
- No sir, really it's
all right, would you...
- I'll get the police for you.
- I'm very sorry, I didn't...
- Why you dirty mugger!
(audience laughing)
- Please, madam he... (muffled)
Okay, thank you.
Sir, I'm very sorry, I
didn't honestly have...
- Ah, you numbskull,
that's my paint job.
You ruined my paint job.
I might not be Picasso,
but I'm a good painter.
- Arrest the (muffled)
- [Officer] This one right here?
- Yes.
- No, oh, officer please.
- Guys, break it up.
- He's not a thief,
I was just asking him
for change for a five,
it's all my fault, I...
- Oh, I'm, I'm sorry, Miss.
Hope you're all right.
- Oh, fine.
- Sorry about that, guy.
- Oh sir, listen, I really
(mumbles), I wish...
- Sorry, are you all right?
Didn't wanna trip you.
Are you okay?
- [Woman] I'm fine.
- I'm awfully sorry,
did you get hurt?
- [Woman] No.
- Good.
- This has turned into be
something I didn't intend.
- You're tellin' me.
(audience laughing)
- Stick 'em up.
(man yelling)
(audience laughing)
- Johnny, who's your favorite
country western singer,
not counting yourself?
- Well not counting
myself, nobody.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bouncy big band music)
Dick I think you're
terribly handsome
I'll drink to that
Dan I'd like to
hold you for ransom
Let's clink to that
You are two of
my favorite fellows
Sandy you're a
darlin' to tell us
Look at other
girls I get jealous
We'll drink to that
Sandy shall I order some din-din
Okay for that
Here's a toast, lock
my arm and chin-chin
Ole' for that Gee I'm
really glad I met ya
If you want to
kiss me I'll let ya
This is love I'm
willing to bet ya
Hooray for that
Hey, we should be a
singing, dancing trio
Listen to the banjo's plunkin'
We could even sing
(foreign language)
We'll be Rowan and
Martin And Duncan
When the public sees us together
They'll wave for that Yeah
When the soft shoe's
light as a feather
They'll crave for that
On this most auspicious occasion
May I make a modest oration
We will be a major sensation
They'll crave for And
stay for And rave for
We'll sigh for Let's shave a cat
- Let's save a what?
- I don't know what it means.
- Save a cat, you're (muffled)
Like three muskateers
We'll drink to that
- Rehearsal, 10 tomorrow.
We'll drink to that.
- Tap shoes and ball
for everyone but Bruce.
We'll drink to that.
- Next stop, Las Vegas.
I'll drink to that
(audience applauding)
- Let's see now, Mrs.
Sherman, that'll be $10.34.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, out of 11.
I think you owe me
something from before.
(food crashing)
aught-oh Mrs. Sherman,
I didn't see them items.
Let's see, that's
milk, 59 cents.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, I'd like to cash a check.
- Um, can you identify yourself?
- Yeah, it's me all right.
(audience laughing)
- My goodness.
I had a big record
called A Boy Named Sue.
And here I am with
a boy named Gladys.
(Gladys gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Big man with a guitar
(audience laughing)
- I find this girl innocent.
- Oh you find her innocent, huh?
Well in that case, can
I interest you in some
costume jewelry?
- Got anything in Florentine?
- Well, I'll tell ya, pearls
look very good in basic black.
(audience laughing)
- It's time once again to
take a look at the quickie.
- Whoop, whoo-who!
(bicycle bell ringing)
(chimpanzee howling)
Whoop, whoop.
Whoa, whoa.
Ah-ha.
- What's this all about?
- What does it look like?
- Well, I don't wanna get shut
down before the show's over.
(audience laughing)
You look like a
lunatic impressionist.
- Is that so?
- That's what you
look, a lunatic.
- Well you won't make jokes
when you see me ride this
on a wire suspended
200 feet in the air.
(bike horn honking)
(laughing)
- If I spent a lifetime I
couldn't think of anything
more stupid than you
ridin' that on a wire
200 feet in the air.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Do you happen to
know what's gonna,
what's gonna
happen when you fall?
- Well I think I got an inkling.
- Yeah, I bet ya have.
- I'll probably smash my
horn and bend my sprockets.
- Yeah, who cares about
your bike, what about you?
- I'm talkin' about me.
- Ahh.
- I got the greatest
sprockets you ever saw.
(audience laughing)
- Well, as long as
you got your bike,
we may as well talk about it.
Whatever made you decide
to become a dare devil cyclist?
- Well, it runs in my family.
- I imagine that's right.
- It's in my blood, my
uncle was the first man...
- Bicycles are in your blood?
- No, no, not bicycles,
but do you realize that my
uncle, Wheels Fuhnman...
- Wheels Fuhnman.
- He was the first man
to almost ride a bicycle
across the Mississippi.
- Almost.
- Yes, he made one
slight miscalculation.
- What was that?
- Nobody told him the
Mississippi was a river, you see.
- Ah-ha!
(audience laughing)
Now, Wheels Fuhnman, what
else has he done famous, anything?
- Well yes, as a matter a
fact, this is in the record books.
- Is it?
- He set a new record in the
Mexican six day bicycle race.
- Oh, what happened?
- Well, just before the race,
he ate five bowls of chili,
three tortillas, a pepperoni
pizza, and a tabasco malt.
- And then I asked, well
what record did he set?
- Well, he was the first
man to cross the finish line
three days ahead of his bicycle.
(audience laughing)
- Okay Wheels,
we'll see ya later,
we wanna look at the quickies.
(bike horn honking)
- Go ahead, I have to
make a couple repairs.
- What's the trouble?
- Well I think I
got a screw loose.
- You better
check the bike, too.
(audience laughing)
- I, I, ah, I didn't order
a chocolate cake,
I ordered a chocolate pie.
(smashing)
- It's a pie now.
(audience laughing)
- You know, the most
incredible thing about Laugh-In
is the pace.
Why, I sit at home,
watch and think to myself,
boy, did those
five hours fly by.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I'd like a chicken
sandwich, please.
- I'm sorry sir, we don't
serve chicken sandwiches.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'd like a hamburger, please.
- One hamburger, please.
(audience laughing)
- All right, quiet please.
The kleptomaniac
story, take one.
(light, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Hannah.
You're just gonna
love living here.
The town's so small,
everybody knows everybody,
look there's Harry
Bowman, the banker.
Harry.
Up, over there, Gary
Deeb, the barber.
(bat banging)
Come on honey.
- (struggling) Oh, oh,
oh, what happened?
- Well, that was
Ted, the mugger.
Come on.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Howdy.
- Is this toothbrush
soft or hard bristles?
- Ah, let me see.
(scrubbing)
Hard.
- I'll take it.
(audience laughing)
- All right men, present arms.
(audience laughing)
Nice-lookin' arm you
got there, Harrison.
- Thank you, sergeant.
(audience laughing)
- Sandy, you've got your
own show on television.
Do you think I could
ever get a series?
- Well, I really
don't see why not,
after all, Lassie
had one for 15 years.
- Oh!
- Oh, that's a pretty
purse, can I see that?
- Oh, do you like it?
- I really do.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, sue, sue!
(audience laughing)
- Ah, come on Shirley, let's
get in the back seat, huh?
- No, no, I'm afraid.
- Oh don't worry, we
have no-fault insurance.
(audience laughing)
what'da you say?
- Well okay.
Well hurry up.
Get your, your shoe
up to get your leg out.
- Okay, that's it.
- Well, wait.
(audience laughing)
- Let's go team,
go team, go, go, go.
Hey, where did everyone go?
(audience laughing)
(boat horn blowing)
- (sighing) Oh, I'm so
happy we decided to take this
leisurely two week
cruise to France instead of
one of those hectic
six hour flights.
- Yeah, yeah, um-hm.
- By the way, how long
do you think we'll have to
stay in France before we'll
have to catch the boat home?
- Oh about 2 1/2 hours.
(audience laughing)
- Well, so much
for the quickies.
What happened to you?
- Well, I was minding
my own business,
just doin' my trick, when
three security guards
broke my bike into pieces
and threw me outta the building.
- Well they can't
get away with that,
let's go get your
bike, where is it?
- Well it's right where I
left it, in the ladies room.
(audience laughing)
- I called Howard Hughes the
other day and he was home.
Well, I mean he must've been
home because nobody answered.
(audience laughing)
- You know what David
did after he slew Goliath?
He went out and got stoned.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall a truer day
They had the great Will
Rogers with his belt and his rope
Gracie and George Even Bob Hope
- I can't decide whether to
take a cut rate flight to Europe
or stay in town with a wild dig.
- I see, it's either
getting a broad cheap,
or getting a cheap broad.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Coming, coming, coming,
coming, coming - Get it.
Why did the politician campaign
in the sporting goods shop?
- Whoo, whoo, oh he was
looking for some supporters.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- You're right (laughing).
My husband bought a
bottle of sexy perfume
to attract the boys.
- No kidding, how did it work?
- Great!
Now he has a lot a boyfriends.
(audience laughing)
- Say Ann.
- Yes?
- What did Smokey the Bear
say to Governor Ronald Reagan?
- I don't know, what?
- Remember, only
you can prevent forests.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Oh, I am here.
I auditioned for the lead role
in a new version of The Fly.
- Did you get it?
- No, they said I didn't
put enough zip into it.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- I gotta get through.
If you wanna be president,
you have to throw
your hat in the ring.
- Oh sure, but if
you're a democrat,
you'll have to
pass that hat first.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Ann my love, did I tell
you, the judge just gave
my uncle a suspended sentence.
- Oh, did they let him off?
- No, they hung him, it
was a suspended sentence.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- John.
- Huh?
- Did you hear about
the Jeopardy Santa Claus
who went down the chimney?
- Well what's so
unusual about that?
- In an airplane?
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- What's the difference
between a wine connoisseur
and a wino?
- I don't know, what?
- About $10 a bottle.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- You mean I get another chance?
- Yes you do
Dennis, don't bluff it.
- Okay.
- Guess what, crime reached
new heights yesterday.
- Why?
- Wilt Chamberlain got
arrested for jaywalking.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Sandy.
- Whaaat?
- Why did Mama Cass
have 12 steaks for breakfast?
- I don't know.
(laughing) I do.
- You do too.
- She was on a diet,
she was on a diet.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
We take our disco
A week in 'frisco
Do you remember
vaudeville Hot dog
Do you remember vaudeville
(audience applauding)
- Tonight Laugh-In's
gonna take a look
at the crazy world around us.
- Good, it's a perfect
time to tell everybody
what you've been
hiding for years.
- What're you talkin' about?
- Now it can be told,
Dan Rowan has a tattoo.
- I have a tattoo?
- There, you don't
have to believe me,
you heard it right
from the horse's mouth.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, what're
you talking about?
- Well, I happen to have
heard that you have a
very interesting tattoo.
- Where?
- Right in the middle of your...
- No, I don't mean that where,
where did you hear
such a dumb thing?
- From Sylvia, the steam
room attendant at the
Beverly Hills health club.
- Well I don't have a tat,
that's an absolute
preverication, tattoo.
- No, it's a naked lady in
a canoe named Mildred.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Although, why anybody
would name a canoe Mildred
is beyond me.
- Oh now, come
on Dick, that is really
absolutely insane.
- Well don't blame
me, it's your tattoo.
- All right, now
let's get this straight.
I don't have a tattoo.
I have never had a tattoo,
and I don't wanna talk
about a tattoo anymore.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Right.
- Is that enough
about the tattoo?
- Fine.
- No tattoo, ever, no tattoo.
Now, tonight's mod world...
- Can't blame you for
not wantin' to talk about it.
(audience laughing)
Musta been bombed
outta your mind.
- I was, I was not
bombed outta my mind.
- You let someone do
that while you were sober?
(audience laughing)
- No, I didn't.
- Hey did Mildred get one too?
- I don't know anybody
named Mildred.
- Then what's she
doin' in your canoe
without any clothes on?
- Oh, Dick.
- And why is she
carrying a flag that says
death before honor?
- That's,
well that's death
before dishonor.
- Well you oughta know.
- Oh, come on.
I've had enough.
Let's look at the
crazy world around us.
Take a load a this.
This wacky old world
is a bummer, arf, arf
Each day it gets
steadily dumber, oh, oh
With smog in the clearing
With trees disappearing
I'm thinking of
moving this summer
I wonder if they have
doggy beds on the moon yet.
(audience laughing)
This wacky old world
is a bummer, arf, arf
(audience applauding)
- What seems to be the problem?
- Well for some reason, people
seem to find me offensive.
Well aren't you gonna
right that down, you moron?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I'd like you to tattoo
somethin' real masculine
on my chest.
- How bout some hair?
- Can I wear it up?
(audience laughing)
This crazy old world
starts me roaring
The bad guys are
constantly scoring
With bad politicians
In worthwhile positions
This animal kingdom is boring
Up until recently, I thought
I was the king of the beast.
This crazy old world
starts me roaring
Roar, roar!
(lion roaring)
(audience applauding)
- Say mom, wanna surprise
your family at dinner tonight?
Then come in from the
kitchen carrying a steaming hot
bowl full of overshoes.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, can I help you?
- Can you
help me?
Oh, did you hear that friends?
She wants to know
if she
can help me.
Yes, yes, she can,
help me.
You can help me.
- Oh, okay, ah now, what
seems to be the problem?
- The problem is,
I had two
$10 bills in my shoes
and now I can't
find 'em (laughing).
- Oh, you can't
find two $10 bills.
- No, I can't find my shoes.
Where could I have left them?
(laughing)
- Oh, ah well, let's
see, ah, ah, let's see,
Did you buy a purse today?
- Did I buy a purse
today?
Friends, she wants to know if I
bought a purse today.
Oh, why yes.
Yes, yes, that's
where they must be.
Oh, here they are.
I want to make
a deposit.
- Ah, okay, you'd like to
deposit your two $10 bills.
- No, my shoes.
- Oh madam, I'm so, well this,
we can't, we can't
deposit shoes, ah...
- Oh, oh, oh you say you can't,
but can you say
you can't if you can?
No you can't.
So if you can, you can't
say, I can't, can you?
You can't.
You must say, I can.
- Would you mind repeating that?
(laughing)
I can't.
(audience laughing)
- I, I think it's only
fitting that they
put the United Nations
in New York City
because so few people
there speak English.
(audience laughing)
This crazy ole world
keeps me hoppin'
My eyeballs are
constantly poppin'
With naughties and nudities
These pornos and loonies
It's time that we
all call a cop in
Those playboy bunnies
are giving the rabbit family
a bad name.
(audience laughing)
This crazy ole world
keeps me hoppin'.
I really hate carrots,
I can't stand 'em.
(audience applauding)
- Can I see the doctor?
- Can you see my hand?
- Well, yes.
- Then you can see
the doctor, that'll be $5.
(audience laughing)
Oh you got 10, all right.
There's two hands,
you can see two doctors.
(audience laughing)
If she falls for that
I'd like to talk to her
about some swamp
land I'm tryin' to get rid of.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you'll
just sign right here
you'll have our
thorough, comprehensive
automobile insurance
policy, it covers everything.
- Okay, thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- There.
- Congratulations, we're
glad to have you with us.
- Thank you.
(smacking)
Oh!
Whiplash, whiplash,
broken belt, everything!
Oh!
("Pop Goes the
Weasel") (paper ripping)
(man whistling)
- The world we live
in has got to be crazy.
The only way we can
get rid of the pollution
is to raise a big
stink about it.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
Boy, what a nutty old planet
Sign a petition and ban it
Mystics, psychotics,
fanatics, neurotics
Let's take the whole
rat race and can it
(audience laughing)
My analyst says I
should start storin' up
nuts for the winter (laughing).
Are you ready?
Boy what a nutty
ole planet (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- All right, now I
want you to apologize,
you tell everybody
the truth about that
crazy story you made
up about my tattoo.
- Ladies and gentlemen
I made a terrible mistake
and I'm sorry.
- You certainly did.
- Good.
- Dan does not have
a tattoo of a naked girl
in a canoe named Mildred.
- That's better.
- It's a naked
Eskimo named Manuk
and she's in a kayak.
- All right.
(audience laughing)
- You know workin'
here is a lot like
appearin' at Folsom
Prison, I mean,
what this show has done
to television is a crime.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, I'd like to talk
to you about a loan.
- Oh wonderful.
Listen, can you let me
borrow $50 until Thursday?
(audience laughing)
- Well how are you
today, Mr. O'Leary?
- Hey how bout
havin' a drink with me
when you get off work?
- Are you kiddin', why wait?
You rip one off too.
(audience laughing)
- Paul, is it true what
they say about this town,
that it's full of phonies?
- Oh yes, I went out
with a girl the other night
who had two of 'em.
- The hussies.
(audience laughing)
- Here we are with Chief Abdula
in the heart of
the Sahara Desert.
I'm talking with
the chief about your
highly unusual initiation
rights into manhood.
Tell me chief, what is so
unusual about your tribe's
initiation rights?
- Well, in most tribes,
when a boy comes of age,
he's sent out into
the desert for a week,
see to prove his manhood.
But in our tribe, we
send all the other men
out in the desert for a week.
- Oh, well how does this
prove the boy's manhood?
- He stays home
with all the broads.
- Oh, funny!
(audience laughing)
- That was the first tasteless
thing on the program tonight.
(water splashing)
And that was the second.
- This is Gary Owens, reminding
you to be sure to send in
for my new book, how
to improve your diction
and with the ease
of a krenelabopperen.
- (laughing) Have you
met my friend Eddie,
isn't he fabulous?
He's so funny, I don't
know what it is about him
but everything he says
just turns out funny,
see what I mean?
I mean the whole family
just cracks up over him.
He's so popular with girls,
you know the girls are
just crazy about him.
He (laughing) I
couldn't do that,
I couldn't get away with it,
but he's just a sex symbol,
I don't know what it is
that's so fabulous about him.
But everybody likes him,
they just think he's fabulous.
Look at him now,
he just kills me.
It just kills me
when he does that.
I don't know how he gets
so many laughs out a nothin'.
He's (laughing)
oh stop it Eddie,
you're drivin' me crazy.
Isn't he terrific?
I mean I don't know,
he's the most popular
guy in my whole class.
Everybody's just
crazy about him.
He doesn't do anything, he just,
I'm like, I don't know,
how did he think a that?
Isn't it great, I just love it.
He's just fabulous (laughing).
Oh Eddie, come on,
you're drivin' us nuts.
(audience laughing)
- In the perennial pursuit
of percuinary emollience,
advantageous to the like a mees,
comprising ya'll stipends,
we encalculate a
mercenary Hawkins
heralding this brief message,
here come the commercial,
here come the commercial,
(audience laughing)
here come the commercial.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Don't forget to
tune in next week,
we're going to shoot
a dummy right out
through the roof of the studio.
- Oh who cares
about seeing that?
- Don't you wanna
see if he lives?
(audience laughing)
- If he lives, you
said he was a dummy.
- Well what would you
call a guy who lets himself
get shot out through
a window, or a roof,
or anywhere else, Einstein?
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
And the winner of the
award is Charlton Heston
for I Love a Parade.
(audience laughing)
- [Group] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Put 'em up, put 'em up.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good nightem, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Okay Sandy, you're up.
- Go.
- I know...
- A guy.
- Rowan, I know a guy.
- I know this one.
- Okay.
- I memorized it.
I know a guy who is so dumb...
- Yes.
- That oh, what?
- He went out.
- I know a guy who was so dumb
he would go out and
rent a U-Haul and trailer
and he didn't even have a car.
- That's dumb
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend is so
fat that her dress size
is Junior Mississippi.
(audience laughing)
- You know something gang,
- [Dan] What, John?
- I have a friend who is so fat
that she once put
on a green dress and
went to a masquerade
party as Vermont.
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend
is so fat that she has to
wear an open-toed bra.
(audience laughing)
- I know a restaurant
where the food is so bad
the flies bring their own lunch.
(audience laughing)
- When I was a kid, we
were so poor that my mother
took in washing, and kept it.
(audience laughing)
- I knew a town
that was so dull,
the airport had
only outgoing flights.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
- Well when I was a kid...
- [Dick] Yeah.
- Yeah Dick, I want
you to hear this.
- [Dick] Yes, Lily.
- I want everyone to hear it.
- All right, come on, everybody
listen to Lily.
(group chattering)
- When I was a kid...
- [Dan And Dick] Yeah.
- We were so
poor... (Ruth crying)
- [Dan] Come on, go
ahead Lily, you were so poor.
- Ruth and I are
very close at work.
- [Ruth] Oh very close.
(audience laughing)
- You were so poor.
- We were so
poor... (Ruth crying)
we would have a
Thanksgiving Day sparrow.
(audience laughing)
- Dick I, I just wanna say
this is the happiest
show I've ever worked on.
(audience laughing)
When I was quite
young, we were so poor,
I married my wife for money,
she was on relief at the time.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan And Dick] My, my
brother-in-law is so stupid.
- No it started...
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid...
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid, - Yes.
- What?
- That if he goes out driving,
- If he goes out driving,
- If, wait what, who?
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid...
- My brother-in-law is so stupid
that if he goes out driving...
- And comes to a stop sign.
- Comes to a stop sign.
- That's, that's, - That's it.
- That's it (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- This program is
pre-recorded to allow the cast
a chance to sit out there and
boo along with the rest of you.
(audience laughing)
(whirring)
(bouncing, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(single clapping)
(horn honking)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we're so happy with our
special guest star
tonight, oh she's super.
- She is, yes.
And here she is now, the star
of the hit show Funny Face.
- The sweet and
lovable Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauding)
- I'm not late or
anything, am I?
- No, no, no, of course not.
And even if you were late,
we'd be delighted
to wait for you.
- Oh no, no, I wouldn't
want you to do that.
I mean I don't wanna cause
anybody trouble or anything.
- Look Sandy, you don't
have to be shy and reticent,
you're a big star now.
- I am?
- [Dick] Sure.
- Well you certainly are,
your own hit television series,
big motion pictures.
Why you're so popular, people
love you everywhere you go.
You have to start asserting
yourself a little more.
- I do?
- Well certainly,
stars have power.
- No kidding.
- Oh-ho, why you can
have people waiting on you
hand and foot.
- Yeah as a matter a fact...
- Ah, would you just, hold
on a minute, let Dan talk.
- That's right, show a
little spunk, a little fire.
- Look don't tell me what
to do bozo, I'm a star.
Stars have power.
- That's it, now you got it.
Now you're thinkin'
big, you're actin' big.
From here on in, you
accept only the best.
- You better believe it kid,
now if you'll excuse
me I'm gonna be leaving.
- Huh?
- Where you goin'?
- Look, ah, I'm not gonna
fool around anymore.
I'm gonna demand
nothing but the best.
I'm going back to the
Flip Wilson show, all right.
(voices drown out by
audience applauding)
- Go ahead, jump, jump!
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Miss Grumbly.
Would you please tell the
court what happened on the night
of August the 20th.
- Yes.
- And would you also tell the
court what happened on the
night of January the 3rd.
- Yes.
- And would you
please keep quiet
about what happened last night,
I could lose my license,
not to mention my scruples.
- What about your scruples?
- I told you not
to mention those.
(audience laughing)
- Bring it on around here.
- Dorothy, can someone
get this to the car for me?
- Oh Mrs.
Vanderguilt, I'm sorry,
all the boys have gone home.
- Oh, please.
- Well all right,
which car is yours?
- It's the blue Mercedes
right over there.
- Oh, I see it.
(light, bouncy music)
(crashing)
Lord, that wasn't your
mother sittin' in the front seat,
was it?
(audience laughing)
- You know as soon as I saw
the song A Boy Named Sue,
I knew it was a hit.
And since bein' in Hollywood,
I've seen a lot more.
Not hit songs, just
boys named Sue.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, did you hear about
the Burbank policeman,
he threw a crook in
jail, and he missed.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Emperor Hirohito,
you're the first emperor
to have left Japan
in over 2,500 years.
How come no one
has ever left before?
- The palace door was stuck.
(audience laughing)
- Are you Paul Lynde?
- If I'm not, I've
been talkin' funny
all these years for nothin'.
(audience laughing)
- (laughing) Oh Tiny,
I bought this dress
because it matches
my personality.
- Oh you're right,
Miss Joann, it's loud.
- Oho!
Uh!
(audience laughing)
- Oh hello friends, this is
chaplain Bud Homily here
with this thought for today.
The wise man never
casts the first stone.
(stone banging)
(audience laughing)
- Is that a lake up ahead?
- No, must be a mirage.
- Well I'm sure glad a that.
- Why?
- 'Cause two of our
mules just drown in it.
(audience laughing)
- Sandy, how does it feel to
be here with us on Laugh-In?
- Well, it's better than having
a hawk under your dress.
(audience laughing)
- Doctor, I get this
feeling people are always
laughing at me behind my back.
(doctor laughing)
(audience laughing)
(woman coughing)
- Yes?
- I'd like to open an account.
- Well, I'm terribly sorry,
you haven't filled
out your form.
- Oh, that's what
everybody keeps telling me.
(audience laughing)
- I understand there's a new
movement called musician's lib.
Just the other day, Herb
Alpert burned his brass.
(audience laughing)
- Now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank
school of poetry
and hard knocks,
NBC, the Nearly
Begging Cash network,
tries to borrow or steal
its way out of presenting
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In, starring the rich voice,
Dan Rowan, and the
poor mouth, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star Sandy Duncan.
(audience applauding)
And, Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
Dennis Allen, Johnny
Brown, Ann Elder,
Barbara Sharma,
with Richard Dawson,
Larry Hovis, and Moosie Drier.
With cameo appearances
by Johnny Cash,
Paul Lynde, Terry-Thomas,
and me, I'm Gary
Owens, asking parents,
do you know where
your children are tonight?
If so, do you happen to
know where mine are?
They were suppose
to be here a couple of...
(audience laughing)
- Well I better be leaving.
- Oh don't leave until
you've had some coffee,
Mrs. Wholesome.
- Oh yeah, you've gotta
taste my wife's coffee,
Mrs. Wholesome.
You take one sip a her
coffee and listen real close,
you can hear your
tonsils prayin' for mercy.
- Powers, please.
Mrs. Wholesome, my
husband is always making fun
of my coffee, can you help me?
- Well, I think so.
(coffee pot clanging)
(audience laughing)
(dishes rattling)
- They say that two
wrongs never make a right.
And here they are to prove it,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(upbeat, enthusiastic music)
- Thank you, oh
you're very nice,
thank you very much.
Good evening,
good evening ladies...
- Okay now, on
the count of three,
one, two, three.
(laughing) That's good.
Over here now.
- What're you doing?
- Huh, me?
Well I'm not doing anything.
But did you see the great Zanu?
- What's Zanu?
- I don't know,
what's Zanu with you?
- Awe, you didn't, oh all right
you just hooked
me with an old joke.
What have you got there?
- It's really Zanu, the star
of Dick Martin's flea circus.
- A flea circus, where
did you get fleas?
- Well it wasn't easy, what
I did is I put on my brother's
25-year-old raccoon coat.
- What were you doing in
a 25-year-old raccoon coat?
- A lot a this.
- Wild fleas.
- Yes, indeed.
- These fleas weren't
already trained?
- No, I guess you could
say I started from scratch.
- I guess so, I would never
say that though.
- Sneaked it in again.
- What kind of stunts
do these fleas do?
- Well, I have one flea that
can push a station wagon
with six people in it.
- That's incredible.
- Oh, it's not a big
thing, there's a trick to it.
- Oh, well I imagine there
would be, what's the trick?
- He wears special shoes.
- Special shoes.
(audience laughing)
- Here, if you look
real close, you can...
- I don't wanna look real close.
You come up with another
one a these dumb jokes,
stories of yours,
none of it's true.
- You won't say that when
you hear Dick Martin's
all-flea marching band.
Come on out, guys.
(audience laughing)
- I don't hear anything.
- Well of course not,
but put the mike on 'em.
Could I have the mike?
(audience laughing)
(lively orchestra music)
(audience laughing)
Huh?
- I don't believe it.
- Of course.
- That's fantastic, you've
finally came up with somethin'
that's gonna make
us millionaires.
We'll get a command performance.
We're gonna be the most
famous act in show business.
Hey, get a tight
shot a the band.
(feet stomping)
(foot crushing)
(audience laughing)
- Uh-hum, would
you be interested in a
tap-dancing centipede?
(audience laughing)
How bout a juggling tick mouse?
How bout a six
roller skating termite?
And a partridge in a pear tree.
- And now Frank Lloyd Wright
and the orchestra to play,
Take the A Frame.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Uh, you know that crime is
getting so bad in Washington
that last Easter instead
of eggs 18 tourists
got rolled on the
White House lawn.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I went out last night
with a real wild chic.
- [Dan And Dick] With a what?
- With a wild chick, and we
were hugging and passionately.
- [Dan And Dick]
You were doin' what?
- We were hugging passionately
in the back seat a my car.
And just as I was
about to kiss her...
- [Dan And Dick]
About to do what?
- To kiss her.
The dumb car swerved off
the freeway and hit a tree,
thank you very much.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I read in the paper where
some New York policemen
are accepting (laughing)
accepting money as payoffs.
I've bribed many
cops in my time,
but it never dawned on
me to use money (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know if Julius
Caesar had had a phase two,
Mark Anthony's most famous
line probably would've been,
"Friends, Romans,
countrymen, lend me a buck."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- We just learned that some
of those ghetto tenements
have four and five families
living in one apartment.
My husband was so shocked,
he immediately raised the rent.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know I've been seeing
an awful lot of you lately.
- But Dick we just met.
- Yeah, but you live in
the building next to mine
and you haven't been pullin'
down your shades you know.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Our tribe has combination
rain dance and fertility right.
That explains why so many
Indian children are named
Thunder and Lightning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh hi (laughing).
You know if they ever
start a football team
at the College of
Cardinals in Rome,
they'd just be terrific.
I mean how could
you beat a team where
the quarterback's infallible?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh, ah, yes.
I got a standing ovation after
an operation this morning.
You know I accidentally
brought the wrong bag to surgery
and had to remove some
guy's appendix with a 4-iron.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Richard just can't get
used to being married.
Every time he hears a
noise in the house at night,
he grabs his clothes
and leaps out the window.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Um, sen, excuse me, senator,
do you think that
there's going to be any
name-calling in your
upcoming campaign?
- Absolutely not, son.
Unless my commie,
fascist opponent starts it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Ah, Johnny, does your
son ever feel that he's
standing in your shadow?
- Yeah, and so do half
of the people on our block.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Well, you know what,
I've been thinking...
- What?
- Well, watching all these
political campaigns and
candidates and
stuff on television,
I really learned something.
- Yeah, what's that, Sandy?
- Whoo, those cigarette
commercials weren't that bad.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- What've you got up
front, as if I didn't know.
- A-32-B.
- Aw, 32-B, or 32 not to
be, that is the question.
(audience laughing)
(imitating purring)
- What do you mean,
I'm dressed improperly?
The invitation
says black tie only.
(audience laughing)
- This town is really somethin'.
Down where I come from,
somebody that's high on grass
is just happy
about his front lawn.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, this is great, I mean
this is the first time I've
ever walked into this
bank and I didn't have to
wait in a line, I
mean it's fabulous.
How do you explain this?
- It's very easy Miss,
this window's closed.
(audience laughing)
- Okay buddy,
you're under arrest.
I'm gonna throw the book at you.
- Hey but why officer, I wasn't
speeding, I wasn't drinking,
I wasn't breaking
any laws at all,
I mean I was just taking
a ride with my girlfriend.
- Yeah, you're also
taking a ride with my wife.
(audience laughing)
Hilda where did you
get those hot pants?
Are those mine?
(audience laughing)
- My daddy's in bed, and I
can pinch my doll if I want to.
We used to have a black
and white television set.
Until I got watercolors
for Christmas.
And that's the truth.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical, bouncy music)
(high-pitched squashing)
(high-pitched squashing)
(splatting)
(audience laughing)
- Boy, I just love
doing Laugh-In.
It sure beats sitting
at home watching it.
(audience laughing)
- All right kids,
it's Uncle Al time.
Thank goodness for Al time.
Howdy, howdy, ow!
I have whiplash, whiplash!
- [Woman] Aw well,
you should've had a
safety belt, Uncle Al.
- You're right, I should have
a belt before I come in here
for safety.
Well hi to all my little
nieces and nephews.
- [Woman] You're not my uncle.
- Uh, shut up, or I'll hold
my breath and pass out.
- [Woman] If you don't hold
your breath, we'll all pass out.
(audience laughing)
- After being in show
business for a number of years,
I've learned two
important things.
One, never whistle
in a dressing room.
And two, (biting) never
hold up two fingers.
(audience laughing)
(light, fast music)
- You didn't pass
your driver's test.
- Well, no, they said I
wasn't good enough,
but I mean anybody can
make a right-hand turn
from a right-hand lane,
to do it the way I did it
requires an expert.
- Well did the
examiner tell you...
- Will you just, I don't
even wanna hear examiner.
They're just a bunch a grouches.
After it was all over
they told this man
that he would walk again.
You know he never
even cracked a smile.
- After what was all over?
- The test, I mean I was
goin' along really good
and then this man
says, "Hit the brake."
Now I mean this in not
suppose to be some kind of a
stopping test, this is
suppose to be a driving test.
Right?
(clearing throat)
- I don't wanna hear
anymore about it.
- Okay, well, anyway,
you're gonna have to hear
a little more about
it because the,
the four lawyers are
gonna call you sometime,
um later, today.
- The four lawyers?
- Well, they're kinda the
attorneys for the people
who were injured.
- You injured four other people?
- Well for right now.
Later, it could turn out
to be a little bit more
when they get to the creek.
- Well that does it.
You've finally ruined me.
I'm going out and kill myself.
- Oh honey, wait a
minute, I'll drive you.
(audience laughing)
- In what?
- Sandy I have to tell you,
you're just super to work with.
You're certainly one of the
sweetest persons I've ever met.
- Well thank you.
See, I think that's because I
learned a long time ago that
well, if you have nothing
nice to say about somebody,
it's just better not
to say anything at all.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
And what'da you think
about being on Laugh-In?
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Thomas, does that...
- Yes, Miss.
- Hi.
- Hello, Terry-Thomas,
you can call me Terry.
- Yes, Mr. Terry-Thomas,
does that separation
right in here in your teeth
have any advantages?
- Well, come over here and I'll,
yes, oh yes, when I'm
upset I can sip a martini,
suck on the olive, and
spit out the pimento
without ever
unclenching my teeth.
(audience laughing)
- Say listen, this
flower pot isn't marked,
how much is it?
- Ah this'll run you
about $2 a piece.
- $2 a piece!
- Yeah, I'll just
stamp it for you.
(pot breaking)
- Ah, let's see, at $2 a
piece, let's see, that's about
eight or, eight
pieces, that'll be $19.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to call
the next witness.
- You can call her
anything you like.
Meanwhile, would you
call my wife and tell her
I'll be late for dinner?
(audience laughing)
Every girly in the 30's
Had a case a flirties
That's a silly way it was
She'd be dancing
off her shoesies
Shoutin' out the newsies
It was always staged
by Buzz-Bee Berkeley.
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope amuses
If it won't then don't abuse us
We just love, whoo-who
To give you our views
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Gettin' to be a habit
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now,
the Laugh-In news,
with topless Eskimos cold,
Georgie Jessel old,
London bridge sold,
and tourist in
Central Park rolled.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- Sophia Loren was rushed
to a Paris hospital today.
Doctors there stated that
she will be kept under their
observation for several weeks,
adding that there was
absolutely nothing wrong
with Miss Loren, they
just wanted to observe her.
(audience laughing)
Shows good... - Seems fair.
- [Dick] Shows good sense.
- Indeed.
- Sing-Sing, New York,
Warden Lewis E. Laws, III
announced today that the
new marital visitation program
for pisoners, prisoners,
make that an R in there,
prisoners...
- That's 20, all right.
- Has proved very successful.
"I am proud to
announce," he declared,
"that one of the inmates
has become the father of a
"fine eight pound chip
off the old cell block,
"who will be named,
706491, Junior."
(audience laughing)
And now here's Dan
with fews in the nuture.
(audience laughing)
- Few of the nuture, 20 years
from now, dateline Washington.
A month ago congress hired
the A.C. Nielsen company,
the television rating service,
to conduct a poll to
measure the popularity of
other areas of American life.
As a result of their findings,
based upon the ratings,
the city of Cleveland,
Ohio today was cancelled.
(audience laughing)
See they looked
at the ratings...
- Let me get that straight...
- [Dan] Through
the TV rating service
and said it was, well...
- I see.
- You'll work it out.
News of the future 20
years from now Disneyland
has just declared itself
capital of the United States.
That's right, they've
divided the entire country
into four sections.
The West, is frontier land.
New York City is adventure land.
Alaska is tomorrow land.
While Washington, D.C.
will not be changed at all,
it will remain the same old
fantasy land it always has been.
(audience laughing)
- And now for kid news for kids,
we take you to Moosie Drier,
in a tree house
somewhere in Burbank.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Today at school we learned
all about George Washington.
'Cause tomorrow is his birthday.
George Washington is
famous for many things.
He was our first president
of the United States.
And when he was a little boy,
he chopped down a cherry tree.
And when his father said,
"Who chopped down that
"cherry tree?",
Georgie told him,
"I cannot tell a lie, father,
"I did it with my
little hatchet."
And he said that for
a very good reason,
because when his
father asked him,
he still had his little
hatchet in his hand.
(audience laughing)
Back to you, Dick and Dan.
- Recently an opponent
of pornographic films
made the following statement.
- Um, I enjoy a good family
film, but not dirty movies.
I am against naked men and
women cavorting in bedroom
after bedroom, and I am
not alone in this thought.
The Supreme Court
should take action,
they know what to do.
(audience laughing)
- In the hands of an
unscrupulous film editor,
that statement can take on
a totally different meaning.
- What kind of
films do you enjoy?
- Dirty movies.
- What do you like to
see most in these movies?
- Naked men.
- Well where have you
seen movies like this?
- In bedroom after bedroom.
- Who are you with when
you see all these movies?
- The Supreme Court.
- The Supreme Court?
- They know what to do.
(audience laughing)
- Now Miss Lily Tomlin
to explain the devaluation
of the American dollar.
- Ah well, when you have,
when the dollar is de, de,
the thing first of
all, if you pretend,
if you can think
that maybe it's a big,
you know you cut
it in, there's little,
part of it goes, you
send some of it over,
and, but it's when you,
it's not, there's nothing in,
there's no fill, there's
nothing with it because
they've tried to ex,
to a, they want it to,
they've tried to flow it
to, to make it meet to a,
the, what it means
actually, we are broke.
(audience laughing)
- Chief, I understand
that recently your tribe was
very primitive.
Your people went
naked and uneducated,
but now foreign aid
has sent you books,
have they helped?
- Uh, helped, I think
they're gorgeous!
(audience laughing)
- Hi (laughing) Bizzy Buzzy
here with the tinsel town dirt.
Another wonderful Hollywood
marriage is on the rocks.
The storybook romance
between Lance Proudfoot and
his newly-acquired bride,
Tina, was ended today
when Lance caught his
agent taking 10% of Tina.
(audience laughing) Kissy-kissy.
- And that's the way it will
be January 60th, 2000-0-1.
(audience laughing)
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
La-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De-Da-De
Ladies and Gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Excuse me, do you
have change for a five?
- Ah, I'll, I'll
check, I'm not now,
but I will look, I'll check.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let's see, I can't,
ah, here's the top...
- Hey, hey!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh sir, but, oh...
- Don't worry my dear,
I'll get the police.
- She asked me for...
- No sir, really it's
all right, would you...
- I'll get the police for you.
- I'm very sorry, I didn't...
- Why you dirty mugger!
(audience laughing)
- Please, madam he... (muffled)
Okay, thank you.
Sir, I'm very sorry, I
didn't honestly have...
- Ah, you numbskull,
that's my paint job.
You ruined my paint job.
I might not be Picasso,
but I'm a good painter.
- Arrest the (muffled)
- [Officer] This one right here?
- Yes.
- No, oh, officer please.
- Guys, break it up.
- He's not a thief,
I was just asking him
for change for a five,
it's all my fault, I...
- Oh, I'm, I'm sorry, Miss.
Hope you're all right.
- Oh, fine.
- Sorry about that, guy.
- Oh sir, listen, I really
(mumbles), I wish...
- Sorry, are you all right?
Didn't wanna trip you.
Are you okay?
- [Woman] I'm fine.
- I'm awfully sorry,
did you get hurt?
- [Woman] No.
- Good.
- This has turned into be
something I didn't intend.
- You're tellin' me.
(audience laughing)
- Stick 'em up.
(man yelling)
(audience laughing)
- Johnny, who's your favorite
country western singer,
not counting yourself?
- Well not counting
myself, nobody.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(bouncy big band music)
Dick I think you're
terribly handsome
I'll drink to that
Dan I'd like to
hold you for ransom
Let's clink to that
You are two of
my favorite fellows
Sandy you're a
darlin' to tell us
Look at other
girls I get jealous
We'll drink to that
Sandy shall I order some din-din
Okay for that
Here's a toast, lock
my arm and chin-chin
Ole' for that Gee I'm
really glad I met ya
If you want to
kiss me I'll let ya
This is love I'm
willing to bet ya
Hooray for that
Hey, we should be a
singing, dancing trio
Listen to the banjo's plunkin'
We could even sing
(foreign language)
We'll be Rowan and
Martin And Duncan
When the public sees us together
They'll wave for that Yeah
When the soft shoe's
light as a feather
They'll crave for that
On this most auspicious occasion
May I make a modest oration
We will be a major sensation
They'll crave for And
stay for And rave for
We'll sigh for Let's shave a cat
- Let's save a what?
- I don't know what it means.
- Save a cat, you're (muffled)
Like three muskateers
We'll drink to that
- Rehearsal, 10 tomorrow.
We'll drink to that.
- Tap shoes and ball
for everyone but Bruce.
We'll drink to that.
- Next stop, Las Vegas.
I'll drink to that
(audience applauding)
- Let's see now, Mrs.
Sherman, that'll be $10.34.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, out of 11.
I think you owe me
something from before.
(food crashing)
aught-oh Mrs. Sherman,
I didn't see them items.
Let's see, that's
milk, 59 cents.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, I'd like to cash a check.
- Um, can you identify yourself?
- Yeah, it's me all right.
(audience laughing)
- My goodness.
I had a big record
called A Boy Named Sue.
And here I am with
a boy named Gladys.
(Gladys gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Big man with a guitar
(audience laughing)
- I find this girl innocent.
- Oh you find her innocent, huh?
Well in that case, can
I interest you in some
costume jewelry?
- Got anything in Florentine?
- Well, I'll tell ya, pearls
look very good in basic black.
(audience laughing)
- It's time once again to
take a look at the quickie.
- Whoop, whoo-who!
(bicycle bell ringing)
(chimpanzee howling)
Whoop, whoop.
Whoa, whoa.
Ah-ha.
- What's this all about?
- What does it look like?
- Well, I don't wanna get shut
down before the show's over.
(audience laughing)
You look like a
lunatic impressionist.
- Is that so?
- That's what you
look, a lunatic.
- Well you won't make jokes
when you see me ride this
on a wire suspended
200 feet in the air.
(bike horn honking)
(laughing)
- If I spent a lifetime I
couldn't think of anything
more stupid than you
ridin' that on a wire
200 feet in the air.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Do you happen to
know what's gonna,
what's gonna
happen when you fall?
- Well I think I got an inkling.
- Yeah, I bet ya have.
- I'll probably smash my
horn and bend my sprockets.
- Yeah, who cares about
your bike, what about you?
- I'm talkin' about me.
- Ahh.
- I got the greatest
sprockets you ever saw.
(audience laughing)
- Well, as long as
you got your bike,
we may as well talk about it.
Whatever made you decide
to become a dare devil cyclist?
- Well, it runs in my family.
- I imagine that's right.
- It's in my blood, my
uncle was the first man...
- Bicycles are in your blood?
- No, no, not bicycles,
but do you realize that my
uncle, Wheels Fuhnman...
- Wheels Fuhnman.
- He was the first man
to almost ride a bicycle
across the Mississippi.
- Almost.
- Yes, he made one
slight miscalculation.
- What was that?
- Nobody told him the
Mississippi was a river, you see.
- Ah-ha!
(audience laughing)
Now, Wheels Fuhnman, what
else has he done famous, anything?
- Well yes, as a matter a
fact, this is in the record books.
- Is it?
- He set a new record in the
Mexican six day bicycle race.
- Oh, what happened?
- Well, just before the race,
he ate five bowls of chili,
three tortillas, a pepperoni
pizza, and a tabasco malt.
- And then I asked, well
what record did he set?
- Well, he was the first
man to cross the finish line
three days ahead of his bicycle.
(audience laughing)
- Okay Wheels,
we'll see ya later,
we wanna look at the quickies.
(bike horn honking)
- Go ahead, I have to
make a couple repairs.
- What's the trouble?
- Well I think I
got a screw loose.
- You better
check the bike, too.
(audience laughing)
- I, I, ah, I didn't order
a chocolate cake,
I ordered a chocolate pie.
(smashing)
- It's a pie now.
(audience laughing)
- You know, the most
incredible thing about Laugh-In
is the pace.
Why, I sit at home,
watch and think to myself,
boy, did those
five hours fly by.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I'd like a chicken
sandwich, please.
- I'm sorry sir, we don't
serve chicken sandwiches.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'd like a hamburger, please.
- One hamburger, please.
(audience laughing)
- All right, quiet please.
The kleptomaniac
story, take one.
(light, bouncy music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Hannah.
You're just gonna
love living here.
The town's so small,
everybody knows everybody,
look there's Harry
Bowman, the banker.
Harry.
Up, over there, Gary
Deeb, the barber.
(bat banging)
Come on honey.
- (struggling) Oh, oh,
oh, what happened?
- Well, that was
Ted, the mugger.
Come on.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Howdy.
- Is this toothbrush
soft or hard bristles?
- Ah, let me see.
(scrubbing)
Hard.
- I'll take it.
(audience laughing)
- All right men, present arms.
(audience laughing)
Nice-lookin' arm you
got there, Harrison.
- Thank you, sergeant.
(audience laughing)
- Sandy, you've got your
own show on television.
Do you think I could
ever get a series?
- Well, I really
don't see why not,
after all, Lassie
had one for 15 years.
- Oh!
- Oh, that's a pretty
purse, can I see that?
- Oh, do you like it?
- I really do.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, sue, sue!
(audience laughing)
- Ah, come on Shirley, let's
get in the back seat, huh?
- No, no, I'm afraid.
- Oh don't worry, we
have no-fault insurance.
(audience laughing)
what'da you say?
- Well okay.
Well hurry up.
Get your, your shoe
up to get your leg out.
- Okay, that's it.
- Well, wait.
(audience laughing)
- Let's go team,
go team, go, go, go.
Hey, where did everyone go?
(audience laughing)
(boat horn blowing)
- (sighing) Oh, I'm so
happy we decided to take this
leisurely two week
cruise to France instead of
one of those hectic
six hour flights.
- Yeah, yeah, um-hm.
- By the way, how long
do you think we'll have to
stay in France before we'll
have to catch the boat home?
- Oh about 2 1/2 hours.
(audience laughing)
- Well, so much
for the quickies.
What happened to you?
- Well, I was minding
my own business,
just doin' my trick, when
three security guards
broke my bike into pieces
and threw me outta the building.
- Well they can't
get away with that,
let's go get your
bike, where is it?
- Well it's right where I
left it, in the ladies room.
(audience laughing)
- I called Howard Hughes the
other day and he was home.
Well, I mean he must've been
home because nobody answered.
(audience laughing)
- You know what David
did after he slew Goliath?
He went out and got stoned.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall a truer day
They had the great Will
Rogers with his belt and his rope
Gracie and George Even Bob Hope
- I can't decide whether to
take a cut rate flight to Europe
or stay in town with a wild dig.
- I see, it's either
getting a broad cheap,
or getting a cheap broad.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Coming, coming, coming,
coming, coming - Get it.
Why did the politician campaign
in the sporting goods shop?
- Whoo, whoo, oh he was
looking for some supporters.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- You're right (laughing).
My husband bought a
bottle of sexy perfume
to attract the boys.
- No kidding, how did it work?
- Great!
Now he has a lot a boyfriends.
(audience laughing)
- Say Ann.
- Yes?
- What did Smokey the Bear
say to Governor Ronald Reagan?
- I don't know, what?
- Remember, only
you can prevent forests.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Oh, I am here.
I auditioned for the lead role
in a new version of The Fly.
- Did you get it?
- No, they said I didn't
put enough zip into it.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- I gotta get through.
If you wanna be president,
you have to throw
your hat in the ring.
- Oh sure, but if
you're a democrat,
you'll have to
pass that hat first.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Ann my love, did I tell
you, the judge just gave
my uncle a suspended sentence.
- Oh, did they let him off?
- No, they hung him, it
was a suspended sentence.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- John.
- Huh?
- Did you hear about
the Jeopardy Santa Claus
who went down the chimney?
- Well what's so
unusual about that?
- In an airplane?
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- What's the difference
between a wine connoisseur
and a wino?
- I don't know, what?
- About $10 a bottle.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- You mean I get another chance?
- Yes you do
Dennis, don't bluff it.
- Okay.
- Guess what, crime reached
new heights yesterday.
- Why?
- Wilt Chamberlain got
arrested for jaywalking.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
- Sandy.
- Whaaat?
- Why did Mama Cass
have 12 steaks for breakfast?
- I don't know.
(laughing) I do.
- You do too.
- She was on a diet,
she was on a diet.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
We take our disco
A week in 'frisco
Do you remember
vaudeville Hot dog
Do you remember vaudeville
(audience applauding)
- Tonight Laugh-In's
gonna take a look
at the crazy world around us.
- Good, it's a perfect
time to tell everybody
what you've been
hiding for years.
- What're you talkin' about?
- Now it can be told,
Dan Rowan has a tattoo.
- I have a tattoo?
- There, you don't
have to believe me,
you heard it right
from the horse's mouth.
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, what're
you talking about?
- Well, I happen to have
heard that you have a
very interesting tattoo.
- Where?
- Right in the middle of your...
- No, I don't mean that where,
where did you hear
such a dumb thing?
- From Sylvia, the steam
room attendant at the
Beverly Hills health club.
- Well I don't have a tat,
that's an absolute
preverication, tattoo.
- No, it's a naked lady in
a canoe named Mildred.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Although, why anybody
would name a canoe Mildred
is beyond me.
- Oh now, come
on Dick, that is really
absolutely insane.
- Well don't blame
me, it's your tattoo.
- All right, now
let's get this straight.
I don't have a tattoo.
I have never had a tattoo,
and I don't wanna talk
about a tattoo anymore.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Right.
- Is that enough
about the tattoo?
- Fine.
- No tattoo, ever, no tattoo.
Now, tonight's mod world...
- Can't blame you for
not wantin' to talk about it.
(audience laughing)
Musta been bombed
outta your mind.
- I was, I was not
bombed outta my mind.
- You let someone do
that while you were sober?
(audience laughing)
- No, I didn't.
- Hey did Mildred get one too?
- I don't know anybody
named Mildred.
- Then what's she
doin' in your canoe
without any clothes on?
- Oh, Dick.
- And why is she
carrying a flag that says
death before honor?
- That's,
well that's death
before dishonor.
- Well you oughta know.
- Oh, come on.
I've had enough.
Let's look at the
crazy world around us.
Take a load a this.
This wacky old world
is a bummer, arf, arf
Each day it gets
steadily dumber, oh, oh
With smog in the clearing
With trees disappearing
I'm thinking of
moving this summer
I wonder if they have
doggy beds on the moon yet.
(audience laughing)
This wacky old world
is a bummer, arf, arf
(audience applauding)
- What seems to be the problem?
- Well for some reason, people
seem to find me offensive.
Well aren't you gonna
right that down, you moron?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I'd like you to tattoo
somethin' real masculine
on my chest.
- How bout some hair?
- Can I wear it up?
(audience laughing)
This crazy old world
starts me roaring
The bad guys are
constantly scoring
With bad politicians
In worthwhile positions
This animal kingdom is boring
Up until recently, I thought
I was the king of the beast.
This crazy old world
starts me roaring
Roar, roar!
(lion roaring)
(audience applauding)
- Say mom, wanna surprise
your family at dinner tonight?
Then come in from the
kitchen carrying a steaming hot
bowl full of overshoes.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, can I help you?
- Can you
help me?
Oh, did you hear that friends?
She wants to know
if she
can help me.
Yes, yes, she can,
help me.
You can help me.
- Oh, okay, ah now, what
seems to be the problem?
- The problem is,
I had two
$10 bills in my shoes
and now I can't
find 'em (laughing).
- Oh, you can't
find two $10 bills.
- No, I can't find my shoes.
Where could I have left them?
(laughing)
- Oh, ah well, let's
see, ah, ah, let's see,
Did you buy a purse today?
- Did I buy a purse
today?
Friends, she wants to know if I
bought a purse today.
Oh, why yes.
Yes, yes, that's
where they must be.
Oh, here they are.
I want to make
a deposit.
- Ah, okay, you'd like to
deposit your two $10 bills.
- No, my shoes.
- Oh madam, I'm so, well this,
we can't, we can't
deposit shoes, ah...
- Oh, oh, oh you say you can't,
but can you say
you can't if you can?
No you can't.
So if you can, you can't
say, I can't, can you?
You can't.
You must say, I can.
- Would you mind repeating that?
(laughing)
I can't.
(audience laughing)
- I, I think it's only
fitting that they
put the United Nations
in New York City
because so few people
there speak English.
(audience laughing)
This crazy ole world
keeps me hoppin'
My eyeballs are
constantly poppin'
With naughties and nudities
These pornos and loonies
It's time that we
all call a cop in
Those playboy bunnies
are giving the rabbit family
a bad name.
(audience laughing)
This crazy ole world
keeps me hoppin'.
I really hate carrots,
I can't stand 'em.
(audience applauding)
- Can I see the doctor?
- Can you see my hand?
- Well, yes.
- Then you can see
the doctor, that'll be $5.
(audience laughing)
Oh you got 10, all right.
There's two hands,
you can see two doctors.
(audience laughing)
If she falls for that
I'd like to talk to her
about some swamp
land I'm tryin' to get rid of.
(audience laughing)
- Well if you'll
just sign right here
you'll have our
thorough, comprehensive
automobile insurance
policy, it covers everything.
- Okay, thank you.
- Mm-hm.
- There.
- Congratulations, we're
glad to have you with us.
- Thank you.
(smacking)
Oh!
Whiplash, whiplash,
broken belt, everything!
Oh!
("Pop Goes the
Weasel") (paper ripping)
(man whistling)
- The world we live
in has got to be crazy.
The only way we can
get rid of the pollution
is to raise a big
stink about it.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
Boy, what a nutty old planet
Sign a petition and ban it
Mystics, psychotics,
fanatics, neurotics
Let's take the whole
rat race and can it
(audience laughing)
My analyst says I
should start storin' up
nuts for the winter (laughing).
Are you ready?
Boy what a nutty
ole planet (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- All right, now I
want you to apologize,
you tell everybody
the truth about that
crazy story you made
up about my tattoo.
- Ladies and gentlemen
I made a terrible mistake
and I'm sorry.
- You certainly did.
- Good.
- Dan does not have
a tattoo of a naked girl
in a canoe named Mildred.
- That's better.
- It's a naked
Eskimo named Manuk
and she's in a kayak.
- All right.
(audience laughing)
- You know workin'
here is a lot like
appearin' at Folsom
Prison, I mean,
what this show has done
to television is a crime.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, I'd like to talk
to you about a loan.
- Oh wonderful.
Listen, can you let me
borrow $50 until Thursday?
(audience laughing)
- Well how are you
today, Mr. O'Leary?
- Hey how bout
havin' a drink with me
when you get off work?
- Are you kiddin', why wait?
You rip one off too.
(audience laughing)
- Paul, is it true what
they say about this town,
that it's full of phonies?
- Oh yes, I went out
with a girl the other night
who had two of 'em.
- The hussies.
(audience laughing)
- Here we are with Chief Abdula
in the heart of
the Sahara Desert.
I'm talking with
the chief about your
highly unusual initiation
rights into manhood.
Tell me chief, what is so
unusual about your tribe's
initiation rights?
- Well, in most tribes,
when a boy comes of age,
he's sent out into
the desert for a week,
see to prove his manhood.
But in our tribe, we
send all the other men
out in the desert for a week.
- Oh, well how does this
prove the boy's manhood?
- He stays home
with all the broads.
- Oh, funny!
(audience laughing)
- That was the first tasteless
thing on the program tonight.
(water splashing)
And that was the second.
- This is Gary Owens, reminding
you to be sure to send in
for my new book, how
to improve your diction
and with the ease
of a krenelabopperen.
- (laughing) Have you
met my friend Eddie,
isn't he fabulous?
He's so funny, I don't
know what it is about him
but everything he says
just turns out funny,
see what I mean?
I mean the whole family
just cracks up over him.
He's so popular with girls,
you know the girls are
just crazy about him.
He (laughing) I
couldn't do that,
I couldn't get away with it,
but he's just a sex symbol,
I don't know what it is
that's so fabulous about him.
But everybody likes him,
they just think he's fabulous.
Look at him now,
he just kills me.
It just kills me
when he does that.
I don't know how he gets
so many laughs out a nothin'.
He's (laughing)
oh stop it Eddie,
you're drivin' me crazy.
Isn't he terrific?
I mean I don't know,
he's the most popular
guy in my whole class.
Everybody's just
crazy about him.
He doesn't do anything, he just,
I'm like, I don't know,
how did he think a that?
Isn't it great, I just love it.
He's just fabulous (laughing).
Oh Eddie, come on,
you're drivin' us nuts.
(audience laughing)
- In the perennial pursuit
of percuinary emollience,
advantageous to the like a mees,
comprising ya'll stipends,
we encalculate a
mercenary Hawkins
heralding this brief message,
here come the commercial,
here come the commercial,
(audience laughing)
here come the commercial.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Don't forget to
tune in next week,
we're going to shoot
a dummy right out
through the roof of the studio.
- Oh who cares
about seeing that?
- Don't you wanna
see if he lives?
(audience laughing)
- If he lives, you
said he was a dummy.
- Well what would you
call a guy who lets himself
get shot out through
a window, or a roof,
or anywhere else, Einstein?
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
And the winner of the
award is Charlton Heston
for I Love a Parade.
(audience laughing)
- [Group] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Put 'em up, put 'em up.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good nightem, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Okay Sandy, you're up.
- Go.
- I know...
- A guy.
- Rowan, I know a guy.
- I know this one.
- Okay.
- I memorized it.
I know a guy who is so dumb...
- Yes.
- That oh, what?
- He went out.
- I know a guy who was so dumb
he would go out and
rent a U-Haul and trailer
and he didn't even have a car.
- That's dumb
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend is so
fat that her dress size
is Junior Mississippi.
(audience laughing)
- You know something gang,
- [Dan] What, John?
- I have a friend who is so fat
that she once put
on a green dress and
went to a masquerade
party as Vermont.
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend
is so fat that she has to
wear an open-toed bra.
(audience laughing)
- I know a restaurant
where the food is so bad
the flies bring their own lunch.
(audience laughing)
- When I was a kid, we
were so poor that my mother
took in washing, and kept it.
(audience laughing)
- I knew a town
that was so dull,
the airport had
only outgoing flights.
(audience laughing)
- That's not funny.
- Well when I was a kid...
- [Dick] Yeah.
- Yeah Dick, I want
you to hear this.
- [Dick] Yes, Lily.
- I want everyone to hear it.
- All right, come on, everybody
listen to Lily.
(group chattering)
- When I was a kid...
- [Dan And Dick] Yeah.
- We were so
poor... (Ruth crying)
- [Dan] Come on, go
ahead Lily, you were so poor.
- Ruth and I are
very close at work.
- [Ruth] Oh very close.
(audience laughing)
- You were so poor.
- We were so
poor... (Ruth crying)
we would have a
Thanksgiving Day sparrow.
(audience laughing)
- Dick I, I just wanna say
this is the happiest
show I've ever worked on.
(audience laughing)
When I was quite
young, we were so poor,
I married my wife for money,
she was on relief at the time.
(audience laughing)
- [Dan And Dick] My, my
brother-in-law is so stupid.
- No it started...
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid...
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid, - Yes.
- What?
- That if he goes out driving,
- If he goes out driving,
- If, wait what, who?
- My brother-in-law
is so stupid...
- My brother-in-law is so stupid
that if he goes out driving...
- And comes to a stop sign.
- Comes to a stop sign.
- That's, that's, - That's it.
- That's it (laughing).
(audience laughing)
- This program is
pre-recorded to allow the cast
a chance to sit out there and
boo along with the rest of you.
(audience laughing)
(whirring)
(bouncing, whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(single clapping)
(horn honking)