Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 21 - Episode #5.21 - full transcript

(audience clapping)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest star.

One of the finest actors to
come along in many years...

- The sensational star of
The French Connection,

Mr. Gene Hackman!

(audience clapping)

- You know, I gotta ask
you something, Gene.

How does a soft-spoken
pussycat like you

manage to turn
himself into a wild man

the way you did in
that great picture,

The French Connection?



How do ya do that?

- It's word association.

- Word association?

- Yes, word association.

You see, when I was a kid,

there was this bully that
lived in my neighborhood

and every day on
the way to school he'd

grab me and he'd beat me up.

- No kidding?

- What's that got to do
with word association?

- Well every time
I hear his name,

I turn into a raving maniac.

(audience laughing)

- Well, what's his name?



- Ben.

- Ben?

- You dirty...

- Geez, geez,
hold it! Take it easy!

- Whoa!

- Hey Gene, why
don't you just go back to

your dressing room
and settle down.

Did you see that?

- Yeah, all because I said Ben.

- Ben?!

(playful music)

(noise from lamp falling)

(audience laughing)

- Hello, room service?

Can you send up a room?

(audience laughing)

- Told ya diggin' with a
spoon would take too long.

- We've only been
diggin' for three years,

we'll be out soon.

- Yeah, but I was only
sentenced for 30 days.

(audience laughing)

- Attention, Flight 657,
what are you doin' up there?

- [Man] I've just gone
into my power dive.

- Well, why ya doin' that?

- [Man] Because
my tail just fell off.

(audience laughing)

- Do you have a hat that
would improve my looks?

- Yes, yes, I've
got just the one!

- Oh boy! Thank you!

(audience laughing)

- I knew we shouldn't
have enlisted

in the Burbank space program.

(audience laughing)

- Let's see, cash or charge?

(audience laughing)

(Pop Goes the Weasel music)

- Hi, I'm doing some
research on human sexuality

and I was wondering
if you could help me.

- Well, why don't you come
back around five o'clock

when the library closes?

I'll see what I can do.

(audience laughing)

- I remember when I
was in kindergarten.

I got arrested by
the vice squad on

a show and tell charge.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara?

Can you lend me 15 dollars?

- Oh, well just wait a minute.

Oh, all I've got is ten, honey.

- Oh, okay. Well give me that.

But remember, you
owe me five bucks.

(audience laughing)

- There is no truth
to the rumor that

the Tijuana brass
leaves a green ring.

(audience laughing)

- Can you decipher the writings?

- I think I've
got the first line!

It goes something like this:

There once was a
man from Rangoon.

(audience laughing)

- Your performance in The
French Connection was terrific.

What will you do if you don't
win the Academy Award?

- Oh, nothing unusual.

There's been a lot of
suicides in my family.

(audience laughing)

- Why do we need a
team of 20 mules anyway?

- Cause we're
crossin' Death Valley.

Many of the mules
will be dead on the way.

It's important we still
get our cargo through.

- Well, what is our cargo?

- Dead mules.

(audience laughing)

- [Woman] Oh, quick, hide!

It's my husband!

(man making Tarzan noises)

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Bruno's School
for Body Building.

(audience laughing)

- Because of
employment problems,

Boris says he can't
take me on a date.

You see, yesterday
I lost my job.

Boring.

(audience laughing)

- Can you hold this
piece of bread for me?

Toaster's broken.

(audience laughing)

- Gene, you died in Bonnie
and Clyde, didn't you?

- Yes, I did.

That's why they figured
I'd be just right for this show.

(audience laughing)

- You know something,
Wayne Newton's voice

and mine are exactly
the same except that

he leaves his underwear
in the freezer overnight.

(audience laughing)

- Do you watch Bonanza?

- Oh, I love it.

- There's Hoss, and Little
Joe, what's the father's name?

- Ben, I think.

- BEN?!

(audience laughing)

- Sue Ane, what are
you doing for dinner?

- A lot of chewing
and swallowing.

- I don't think I
wanna see that.

(audience laughing)

- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank

Federal Penitentiary
and singles club,

NBC, the Nobody
Bothers Caring network,

tries carefully to
avoid bothering with

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In

starring the devil
may care, Dan Rowan!

And, the devil definitely cares,

Dick Martin!

With special guest
star Gene Hackman,

and Ruth Buzzi,

Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin.

With Dennis Allen, Ann Elder,

Barbara Sharma, Larry Hovis,

and Moosie Drier.

With cameo appearances
by Robert Goulet,

Sue Ane Langdon,

and me, I'm Gary
Owens with this message

from my phone service.

Are there any messages for me?

- Hi, I'm Chuck,
fly me to Cleveland.

- Hi, I'm Jack,
fly me to Chicago.

- Hi, I'm Bruce,
fly me to the moon.

(audience laughing)

- People that have real
talent and genuine charm

are qualities you don't
often see in show business.

So in their place,

we bring you Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.

(audience clapping)

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Goodbye, Bernice.

Goodbye, Shirley.

You too, Audrey.

Thanks for everything.

- Wait a minute...
- Farewell, Francine.

- Dick, Dick, why are you
saying goodbye to everybody?

- Because the end is near.

The destruction of
the world is at hand.

- Wait a minute, are you
trying to say it's Doomsday?

- No, it's Monday.

Tomorrow's Doomsday, then
comes Wednesday, and Thursday...

- No, I mean you're
trying to tell me

the world's going to end?

Well, when is this
going to happen?

- Tomorrow, right after lunch.

- Right after lunch?

How did you come
to this conclusion?

- Well, by a
stroke of good luck.

- Of course.

- I ran into Murray the
Mystic in the parking lot.

- Murray the Mystic's
out in the parking lot?

He convinced you the
world's coming to an end?

- Not only that, but he sold me

this survival kit
for only $37.82.

Now you wanna know
about a coincidence,

it was the exact amount
that I had in my pocket!

- Oh, that was a coincidence!

Well, what's in
the survival kit?

- A cheese sandwich,
a sleeping bag,

and a harmonica.

(audience laughing)

- Well, what did you
get the harmonica for?

- An extra quarter.

- Is all that really
gonna help you survive

the end of the world?

- Well, if it doesn't I get
double my money back.

(audience laughing)

- Does anybody
else know about this

impending catastrophe?

- Well, let's see
now, there's me, you,

there's Murray,

and the cop that arrested him.

- What was the charge?

- Same as mine, $37.82.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I think you're
concerned for nothing.

The world is not
coming to an end.

- It isn't?

- No.

- Hmm. You want a good
deal on a survival kit?

It's never been used.

Only $37.42.

- I thought you
said it was $37.82?

- Well, it was but I ate
the cheese sandwich.

- What about the harmonica?

- Well, what do you wanna hear?

(audience laughing)

- You know, conditions
in hospitals today

are really getting crowded.

In our operating room
the patient has to tip

the head surgeon ten
dollars just to get a good table.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Hey Gene, what was it like
doing The French Connection

right in the streets
of New York?

- It was very exciting.

There was lots of shooting
and violence and bloodshed.

Then the police stopped all that

and we got started
with the picture.

(upbeat music)

- Do you live alone?

- Oh, yes!

Sometimes for hours at a time.

(upbeat music)

- I just went to a new theater

that was specially
built for x-rated movies.

Every seat is in the
last row of the balcony.

(upbeat music)

- One of my colleagues,

the former senator
Eugene McCarthy's

planning to run again.

Now this time, I think
he really means it.

He's gonna throw
his toupee in the ring.

(upbeat music)

- One nice thing
about being married

is that now when I go to church,

I save about ten minutes
in the confessional booth.

(upbeat music)

- My theory is that a woman
is just as good as any man.

- Good, well let's
go up to my place

and test your theory.

(upbeat music)

- You know, when
President Nixon failed

to nominate a woman
to the Supreme Court,

Martha Mitchell didn't
talk to John for two weeks.

- Yeah, and you know he said,

'Has it really been two weeks?

My, how time flies
when you're havin' fun."

(upbeat music)

- I sure hope this
foreign manufacturer

develops that disposable car
you throw away after a year.

That'll last six
months longer than

the ones I've been buying.

(upbeat music)

- You know, the Democrats
are so low on funds, son,

they still haven't
paid the telephone bill

from the 1968 convention.

- I guess if they
do win the election,

the hotline to the criminal
would be a payphone.

(upbeat music)

(audience clapping)

- Arnie is so romantic.

He took me down to
the beach the other night,

but he ran out of gas.

So we just got back in
the car and drove home.

- Our subject is fad diets

and we're here to talk
to Mr. Joseph Natalie,

the man who originated
The Drinking Man's Diet

ten years ago.

And he's been on it ever since.

Excuse me, Mr. Natalie?

(snoring)

Mr. Natalie?

- Yes, what is it?

- Excuse me, sir,
we'd like to talk to you

about the The
Drinking Man's Diet.

- Oh, I'll drink to that.

- Could you tell us
what the diet consists of?

- Well, I have a Bloody Mary
in the morning for breakfast,

and a screwdriver for lunch.

And a couple of beers for
in-between-meal snacks.

- Oh ...are there any real
advantages to a diet like that?

- Yes, there is, it forces
you to quit smoking.

- Oh, why is that?

- Fear.

- Fear. Fear of what?

- Fear of exploding.

- But don't you
ever feel like eating?

- Oh yeah, all the time, I
just can't find the kitchen.

(audience laughing)

- The Mayor Lindsay Cocktail:

one drink, and then you
switch to something else.

- The Stock Market Cocktail:

one drink, and
you feel depressed.

- The Chiquita Cocktail:

Two drinks, and you go bananas.

- The George Weenie Cocktail:

Two drinks, and you
think you're the president.

- Lady, I'm taking you in.

- Alright, your place or mine?

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

(man coughing)

- Hey, my name is Nina
Ann and I'm five years old.

And I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.

You know what?

I would play a
trick on my sister,

and I hid in a drawer and I
stayed very quiet in the drawer.

And I finally fell asleep.

And then I would still be there,

but I remembered
she was away at camp.

That's the truth.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Hackman,

you were in Bonnie and Clyde,

which was a true story.

And The French Connection,

which was a true story.

Do you ever do any fiction?

- Yes, when I tell
the government

how much I made
in those pictures.

- We have a woman
who lives on our street

who's such a grouch,

and last year she had
a gall bladder attack

and the doctor's
ruled the gall bladder

acted in self defense.

(audience laughing)

- Our guest today on
Animal Corner is... a bee.

- Won't you be my
busy bumble bee!

Buzz around, buzz around.

- Yes...
- Buzz off.

- Won't you please have a seat?

- I forgot to tuck
in my little stinger.

(audience laughing)

It's not easy being a bee,
you know what I mean?

The little honey that you are.

- Watch it!

Do you realize that you
are the symbol of sexuality?

- Well, why not?

- Youngsters are
always taught about

the birds and the bees.

- Bees are just like humans,

there's males, females,
and we have queens.

- I see.

And why do you
bees live in hives?

- Well, I'll tell you why,

because all the
fancy suburbs are

filled up with wasps.

I hate lamps.

I hate lamps!

(audience laughing)

- That reminds me, what
kind of a bee are you?

- I'm a worker.

I'm out there all day
long just filling five quarts.

You know, and I hate it.

All that sticky, sweet stuff?

- Oh honey, well then
why do you make it?

- What else am I gonna make?

License plates?

I gotta get to work.

Next time you're in town
give me a buzz, will you?

You sweet little honey, you!

(audience laughing)

- Wanna fly off with me?

I'd like to buzz you
right into my hive!

- Careful with your stinger...

- Whatever, I gotta go now.

- It's a good thing we
started digging today.

- Why?

- Cause tomorrow I'm on parole.

- Will you mail a letter for me?

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Stucko Glue Company.

(audience laughing)

- When did they name
this place Death Valley?

- The week after Henny
Youngman worked here.

(audience laughing)

- They say that people
learn by making mistakes.

If that was true, Laugh-In
would be the most

intelligent show on TV.

(audience laughing)

- They used to say a girl
who played doctor in spring,

end up nursing in fall.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(singing)

- Rounded up the
cattle on the low prairie...

- Often gets as
miserable as it can be...

- Livin' here from
dusk to dawn...

- None the less, we
always know what's goin' on.

(women singing)

What's the news
across the nation?

We have got the information.

We just love to
give you our news.

Wranglers and cow pokes Laugh-In

at the news with Dan and Dick!

(audience clapping)

- [Voiceover] And
now the nightly news,

with astronauts flying
in something new,

oil tankers sailing
under full crew,

racing cars driving
as though they flew.

And Mayor Yorty
running out of the blue.

- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.

- Larry Laurent, head of the
CIA's Ultra Secrecy Division,

made a report to Congress
today in which he declared

the secrecy operation
is a total success.

During the five years I have
been functioning as chief,

I haven't even been
able to find my office.

(audience laughing)

- Earl Scheib announced
today he will run for

Governor of California
on the ecology ticket,

with the slogan,

"I will paint this state
green for only $29.95."

I think that's nice
of him, I'd say.

(audience laughing)

Once again, science
has developed

another time saving device.

A major company in
Philadelphia announced today

they have invented plastic
fertilizer for AstroTurf.

(audience laughing)

And now here's Dan
with the future news.

- You have the nerve
of a wounded tiger.

News of the future,
one year from now,

Dateline, The White House.

Hubert Humphrey took the
office of the president today,

but immediately gave it back

when President Nixon caught him.

(audience laughing)

Future news, two years from now.

Japan today made a
devastating retaliation

over the continued
surcharge on their exports.

When, at dawn, four
squadrons of Japanese jets

sneaked under
American radar defenses,

and dropped 600,000
transistor radios on Pearl Harbor.

(audience laughing)

News of the future,
five years from now.

One week, after the 12th
underground H-bomb test,

President Nixon revealed
only a minor tidal wave

had resulted from the blast.

He made this statement
from his seaside home

in Omaha, Nebraska.

- And now for Kid News for Kids,

we take you to a tree
house somewhere

in Burbank for Moosie Drier.

- Moosie here with
Kid News for Kids.

Last night, my
mother let me have all

the kids over to
our house for dinner.

Everybody came.

Tommy O'Reilly, Jack Keliker,

Butchy Matthews, and Fat Flirty.

Tommy doesn't like spinach
so he had to have carrots.

Jack doesn't like carrots, so
he had to have string beans.

Butchy didn't like string beans,

so he had to have
corn on the cob.

Fat Flirty doesn't
like corn on the cob,

so he had to have asparagus.

And you know what
my mother didn't like?

She didn't like Tommy,
Jack, Butchy, and Fat Flirty.

Back to you!

(audience laughing)

- Recently the economy
reflected a turn for the worst

when our international
trade showed

its first deficit in many years.

Now here's Eric Clarified
to explain why this is bad.

- Thank you.

Now the balance trade
reflects the amount of the import

compared to the
amount that we export.

Now, if we import
more than we export,

our harbors will have
more ships coming in

than going out.

(someone snoring)

(audience laughing)

It is very difficult
to direct this traffic,

because how long can a
policeman stand on water?

And, your mother
wears army boots.

(audience laughing)

- Busy Buzzi with the
lowdown on the high jinks

in tarnished old Tinseltown.

Movie stars Lance
Proudfoot and Donya Richella

will spend a two week
honeymoon in Nassau.

During that time,
they plan to work out a

definite date for their wedding.

Ta ta and kissey, kissey!

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Big Al here with the
greatest moments in baseball.

(whistle blowing)

Oh, and that's one of them!

But the really greatest
baseball moment of all

was when Bats Carlman
crashed into the right field wall

while chasing a high
fly in the World Series.

The ball fell in for
a triple but Carlman

did manage to step on a fly.

I hate to see things like that.

Anyway, the game ended
with a score of one to nothing

where both teams discovered
they hadn't been using a ball.

Well, I guess I
better step on it-

oh, I'm sorry I said that.

(whistle blowing)

Oh, my lips are a quiver!

Ta, ta!

(audience laughing)

- Here's the way the
news is normally reported

when a presidential
aide is interviewed.

Mr. Jacob Haye,

what was the subject of
your meeting with Mr. Nixon?

- We discussed the time
table for the president's

forthcoming European trip.

He's gonna leave Mrs.
Nixon in San Clemente

and for the next
three weeks he'll be

taking a broad scale
look at our relations

with foreign governments.

He's also decided to ask
Henry Kissinger to meet with him,

and Golda Meir to
discuss a loan to Israel

in an effort to bring
a lasting peace

in the Middle East.

As you know,

it's something he's been
trying to do for years.

- That piece of film
can be edited to create

an entirely
different impression.

Dick, let's show
them what we mean.

- [Dick] Mr. Haye,
did the president make

any more surprise announcements?

- He's gonna leave Mrs. Nixon.

(audience laughing)

- [Dick] He's just about
to embark on a world tour,

who's going to go with him?

- He'll be taking a broad.

- [Dick] Why would the
president do a thing like that?

- Ask Henry Kissinger.

(audience laughing)

- [Dick] Don't keep
us in suspense,

who's the other woman?

- Golda Meir.

- [Dick] Golda Meir?
With our president?

Where are they going?

- Alone to Israel.

(audience laughing)

- [Dick] This is quite a shock,

isn't it a little sudden?

- No, it's something he's
been trying to do for years.

- Well, there you have it.

A real bombshell.

And if you'd like a copy
of tonight's interview...

- Ask Henry Kissinger.

Ask Henry Kissinger.

Ask Henry Kissinger.

- And that's the way it
is, Black Friday, 1929.

Happy Anniversary.

(singing)

Ladies and gents,

Laugh-In looked at the news!

(audience clapping)

- Whenever King Henry VIII
was looking for a new wife,

there were always plenty
of women ready to throw

their heads in the ring.

- Mr Hackman, if you don't
mind my calling you Mr. Hackman.

- No, please do.

- Gene, The French Connection
was really some movie.

That wild love scene between you

and that 18 year old
chick was really something.

- Yeah, do you
mean the one before,

during, or after the picture?

- Yes.

(upbeat music)

- Oh hello, friends. This
is Chaplain Bud Harmoly.

Remember these words, friends.

He would hesitates, is lost.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(singing)

Does anybody here
remember vaudeville,

does anyone
recall that to a day?

Remember Harry Launer
with his cane and his kilts,

we had a guy a
dancin' on stilts!

(upbeat music)

- I just saw a Jewish motel!

- What was it called?

- The High Holiday Inn!

(audience laughing)

- They just delivered
my hide-a-bed!

- How do you like it?

- Well, I don't
know, I can't find it!

(audience laughing)

- I had to get rid of
my Labrador Retriever.

- Well, why was that!

- I had him for over three years

and he never brought
back one Labrador!

(audience laughing)

- I say that astrology
is a lot of bunk!

- How do you know?

- A gypsy told me!

(audience laughing)

My uncle...

- Larry...
- Yes?

- My uncle invented
a kite that will

never get caught in trees.

- How'd he do it?

- Made it out of bricks!

(audience laughing)

- I used to be
afraid of the dark

but I cured myself of it!

- How?

- Now, whenever I'm in a dark
room I keep my eyes closed.

(audience laughing)

- My sister's a hypochondriac,

so yesterday I sent
her a get sick card.

(audience laughing)

- I understand the
fourth party wants

to nominate
Dr. Spock for president.

- You know, I
think that's childish.

(audience laughing)

- Audrey Hepburn
went to her eye doctor

and her dress maker
in the same day.

Her eye doctor and her
dress maker in the same day.

And they both
said she was 20-20.

(audience laughing)

- Speaking of Audrey Hepburn,

I saw your boyfriend,
he's really skinny.

- Yeah, he is skinny.

He got a tattoo once and
it had to be continued...

on a friend.

(audience laughing)

- Our church group decided
to do something about

all the smoke pollution.

- Oh, what did you do?

- Each one of us went
to church and lit a candle!

(audience laughing)

(singing)

The seven sidekicks,
a world of joy kicks,

do you remember vaudeville?

Yes, sir!

Do you remember vaudeville!

(audience clapping)

(phone ringing)

- Moorgrove's Auction Company.

Do I hear one, hello?

Do I hear two, hello?

(audience laughing)

- Hey, check that map and
see where we are, will ya?

- Well, I can't believe that.

- Where are we?

- 17th floor of
the Statler Hilton.

(audience laughing)

- Hey room service,
send me up a room!

(audience laughing)

- My agent got me
this job on Laugh-In.

- For scale?

- No, for spite.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it's time
to take a look at

the mod world of
life in the country.

Rural America.

The simple life.

Small towns, the farm,
wide open spaces.

- Well, I know all about that.

- Oh, do you?

- Yes, I'm directly
descended from

the great frontiersman,
Deerstalker Foonman.

- Deerstalker Foonman?

This oughtta be
right up your alley.

- No, it was up in those
mountains in Tennessee.

- Smokeys?

- No thanks, I'm trying to quit.

- Tell me about
Deerstalker Foonman.

- You mean, you've never
heard of the man who

discovered Pike's Peak?

- Oh yes, that was Ebulan Pike.

They named the
mountain after him.

- Wrong, it was
Deerstalker Foonman.

He found this big
mountain and he said,

"Hey, Pike! Take
a peek at this!"

(audience laughing)

- What did the
fantastic frontiersman do

that made him so famous?

- Well, as a child he was
stolen by an Indian tribe.

- Well, that used to happen.

Sioux?

- No, they were gonna
settle out of court.

- I see.

Good thing I didn't say Navajo.

- They'd have settled
out of court anyway.

Or wove a blanket,
one or the other.

- Please continue.

- Did I ever tell
you about the time

that Deerstalker Foonman
was on a narrow ledge,

and he was confronted
by a bear cub,

and he removed the
thorn out of his paw.

- No, you never told me that,

but I'll bet you that after
he pulled that thorn out,

years afterward,
he ran into that-

- You're close.

Actually the bear ate him.

Terrible memory and
absolutely no sense of gratitude.

- I owe ya twenty bucks.

(audience laughing)

- I have a possible answer!

Maybe it was a different bear.

- How do I know?

You've seen one bear,
you've seen 'em all.

- They do look alike.

Why don't you
just admit there isn't

anybody named
Deerstalker Foonman?

- Are you kidding,

he blazed a trail West
with Louis and Clark.

It's a shame they broke up.

Whatever happened to Dean?

- I don't know,

I'm ready to blaze a trail to

the mod world of rural America.

(audience laughing)

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

- I hope you know
that's a forfeit.

- One thing about small
towns is that everybody

knows what everybody else does.

It sure makes it a lot easier

to decide which girl
to take to the drive in.

(audience laughing)

- Honey, don't worry.

Doc will be here soon.

- Isn't it wonderful
how even in the middle

of the night a country
doctor will come

to deliver the baby?

(knocking at the door)

- Oh, wait a minute,
here's the doctor.

That's the doctor.

- Okay, here's your baby.

Who pays the tab on me?

(audience laughing)

- You know, a lot of great
people come from small towns.

Just look at Gene Hackman.

- I didn't really come
from a small town.

- Yeah, but who
said you were great?

(audience laughing)

Chika boom, chika boom,
chika boom, boom, boom.

- My father was really glad he
came from a one horse town.

He was a street cleaner.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, coming to a
small town was really

a great idea, partner.

This show game here, we're
really gonna fleece these roobs.

- Yeah, here comes one now.

- Hey, you wanna play
the mysterious magical

shell game for five dollars?

- Yeah, why not?

- Which one's the pea under?

- That one.

- Wrong.

That's five dollars.

- We've been took.

- What do you mean we?

Come on partner, let's move on.

(audience laughing)

- Last week, Walter
Flange opened up

one of them massage
parlors in town.

Didn't work though.

He was closed in about a week.

Seems one night they
caught him giving a massage.

(audience laughing)

- [Man In Red Sweater]
Yes, may I help you?

- Oh, yes, we'd like a copy of

Everything You've Always
Wanted to Know About Sex

But Were Afraid to Ask.

(audience laughing)

- Right here.

- Oh...

Oh, I see where we're
making our mistake!

(audience laughing)

- Howdy, stranger!

- I'm a traveling salesman.

My car broke down
down the road here

and I need a place
to stay for the night.

- Oh, well you can
stay out in the barn

with the cows.

- No, I don't think so.

- You don't wanna do that?

You can sleep in my
daughter's bedroom.

- Well, that's a little...

- You like that, huh?

- Yeah, I like that.

- Oh, I'll introduce you to her.

Hey, daughter. Come on our here.

- What is it, daddy?

- You call me in the morning,

I'll be out in the
barn with the cows.

- Thought I had a live one
there for you for a minute.

(audience laughing)

- Our town is so small,

we don't have a motel.

Just a sofa bed at the bus stop.

(audience laughing)

- I'll give you an idea
how small our town is.

The zip code
begins with a fraction.

(audience laughing)

(car wheels squealing)

- Oh, hello, hello.

You're really out here
in the middle of nowhere,

aren't you?

- Yeah, we are.

- I'm having
trouble with my car,

can you help me?

- Yeah, yeah I can.

That'll be $150.00.

- $150.00?

But you don't even
know what's wrong with it.

- Well, it don't matter.

Whatever's wrong
with it, I can't fix it.

- Well then why do you
want to charge me $150.00?

- Well, cause the
nearest town is 75 miles

on down the road there,

and I own the only
tow truck here in town,

and my price is $150.00.

- Well, that's outrageous.

I'm going to call the sheriff.

- Okay.

What do you want?

- You mean you're
the sheriff, too?

- That's right and
I'm just gonna have

to arrest you for speeding.

- Speeding?

I wasn't speeding,
I was only doing 20.

- Did you see that sign there?

That said speed limit two
and a half miles an hour?

- I didn't see the sign.

- Well, didn't you
see the city limit sign?

- [Woman] Oh
yes, I did see that.

- Well, right under
the city limit sign there

painted on a little rock
under a little bush there,

the sign says speed limit
two and a half miles an hour.

Now I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket for that.

Can I see your license please?

- Under a bush, eh?

My license, just a moment.

I think you'll find
everything perfectly in order.

- Alright, good.

Now hold on here a minute.

Wait a minute.

That pic is only that small.

It don't look a thing like you.

You're much bigger than that.

I'm gonna have to
give you another ticket

for driving with
a phony license.

(audience laughing)

- Where are you from, anyway?

- I'm from New York City.

- Oh, I know all
about you big city.

And I'm just gonna
book you for assault.

- Assault?

Now I demand to see a judge.

- You wanna see the judge?

Alright.

You're speakin' to him.

Now, you're either
gonna have to pay that fine

of $100.00 or you're
gonna have to go to our jail.

- Your jail?

Well, alright.

There's your $100.00.

- Thank you very much.

Hey, you come back to
Pleasantville real soon now!

Ya hear?

(audience laughing)

- You look at a map and
you'll see our town there.

Of course, it has to
be a map of our town.

(audience laughing)

- Sure, we have
pollution in small towns

but at least we can
put ours on our roses.

(audience laughing)

- The town my brother
lives in is so small,

the tourist season is July 8th.

(audience laughing)

Hello, Betsy?

I want you to get Norm for me.

I'll hold on.

(playful music)

- Betsy said you
wanted to see me.

(audience laughing)

- This girl came into town

and said she was wearing
a see-through blouse.

And she was lying.

I tried to look through
it and I couldn't.

Her body was in the way.

- Extra, extra!

Read all about it!

What's happening here
in Biminji, Wisconsin.

- Here, I'll take one of those.

What's happening in
Biminji, Wisconsin...

There's nothing in here
about Biminji, Wisconsin.

- Well, not much happens
in Biminji, Wisconsin.

(audience laughing)

- I got me one of them
new milking machines.

I think I did something
wrong though,

the machine went
berserk and I ended up

with half a pint of milk

and 3,700 pounds of hamburger.

(audience laughing)

- I came from a small town
where everybody knew everybody.

In fact, everybody
knew everybody so well,

now it's a big town.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's it.

173 votes for Johnson,

and 6 votes for Goldberg.

- Yup, Mayor Johnson wins again.

- And the count's
the same as last year,

all six Jews in town
voted for Goldberg.

And all 173 Christians
voted for Johnson.

- Boy, those Jews
really stick together.

(audience laughing)

- Do you think your
Uncle Deerstalker

would've liked the mod
world of rural America?

- No, nothing could
ever take the place

of the rugged pioneer spirit.

Life in the wilderness!

- Really?

- When he was captured
by Indians once...

- Captured by Indians?

- I'm about to
tell another tale.

- The Sioux?

He was captured by the Indians.

- Yes, and in order
to become a brave,

he had to spend three
days alone in the wild.

- Where did he go?

- Chicago.

He had a marvelous time.

(audience laughing)

- Not tonight, Dennis, please.

I have a terrible headache.

Sorry.

- Awe, shucks.

- Hi, Lily.

- Gone, my headache's gone!

(audience laughing)

- Hey, you met my friend Eddy!

He's fabulous, he
has more personality,

look at that bubbly thing.

I don't know what
it is about him.

He just knocks me out!

Look at him!

He's so funny!

Do that funny thing
you do... See??

(audience laughing)

I love it when he does that!

He's so funny.

You can take him
to any kind of a party,

he's fantastic.

Girls are wild about
him cause he's

just so bubbly.

Do that other thing,

do the thing where
you slap your leg,

you know the funny one.

I love him!

See what I mean?

(audience laughing)

- Attention political fans,

the entire state of
New Hampshire will

be painted red,
yellow, and blue.

Those are the primary colors.

(audience laughing)

- See what I mean??

Come on, we gotta go now.

(audience laughing)

- You know, they say that
behind every dark cloud

is a silver lining?

Well, if that's true,
Laugh-In must be sitting

on a gold mine.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- FBI...

Phone monitor branch.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, who's that?

- Sheila.

She always comes
on visiting day.

- Well, let's visit!

(audience laughing)

- Movies are nothing
but sex and violence.

The only way Busby
Berkeley could make it

in Hollywood today
would be if he rode naked

on a motorcycle
and was a bleeder.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, it's time to
look at the quickies.

- [Man Shouting]
Hey there, old timer!

- What is this?

- Would you like
to tell the people

what you're standing next to?

- I would love to,

but where would
we work next week?

- I don't even care.

By next week I'll
have enough nuggets

in this wheelbarrow.

- You got a gold mine?

- Got the map right here.

Paid 12 bucks for it.

- Now why would anyone sell you-

12 bucks for a gold mine?

Why would they sell it to
you for that amount of money?

- Cause I told them
I wouldn't go to 15.

- Let me see the map.

Monta Zuma's Revenge Gold Mine?

(audience laughing)

How old is this supposed to be?

- 300 years.

- This map's 300 years old?

Well then how come it says take

the Ventura freeway to Burbank?

- What, you know a shortcut?

- How do you always
get involved in these

get rich quick schemes?

- Just lucky I guess.

- I guess so.

- I got it from a guy out there

who had a lot of
perspective customers.

- How do you know that?

- Well, as he was leaving,

I heard him say something about

there's one born every minute.

- There certainly is.

Sounds like the stupidest
thing you've ever done.

- Nope, the stupidest
thing I've ever done

was to pay five bucks to get
into a nudist hickey festival.

- Well, I'm off!

- You certainly are!

And take this map with you.

So long, old timer.

We're off to the quickies.

(audience laughing)

- That suit fits you perfectly!

Would you like a
belt to go with it?

- Oh, yes. Certainly.

(audience laughing)

- Do you have the
Howard Hughes story?

- I've got three copies.

But nobody can find them.

(audience laughing)

- Remember, if you go
see the Helstrom Chronicles,

be sure to take your aunt.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Shaw is now ready
for the $74,000 question.

Completely sealed off
in the isolation booth.

She has followed all the rules,

she is not related to
anyone on the show,

has no connection
with anyone here,

is that right, Mrs. Shaw?

- Yes, thank you, Uncle Dan.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, hon.

- Hey darlin', why you so sad?

- Bad news.

I got the ax.

But the guy I chopped
gave me a dollar.

(audience laughing)

- Just feel all that hot air!

- Yep, must be over Washington.

(audience laughing)

- Lost: photo album
containing several hundred

baby pictures of Don Rickles.

Will finder please lose again.

(audience laughing)

- What would you
like for your last meal?

- Just bring me a
hamburger, no bun.

And some cottage cheese.

I'm on a diet.

(audience laughing)

- This is really a nice couch.

Is it new?

- Yes, it is.

- Guess what, it's
also a hide-a-bed.

- Oh, no it isn't!

- Yes it is, let me show you!

- Here's the teddy!

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Consolidated Edison.

Dealing light, power,
and used paving.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, there.

I'd like to buy a gun.

- Well, certainly.

But we're required
by law to ask you

why you want to buy one?

- Oh, it's for protection.

You see, I carry very
large sums of money.

- Oh, and you don't have a gun.

- No, I don't.

- Good, hand over your wallet.

(audience laughing)

- Could I have a double bag?

- Oh now, Miss,
that's hardly required.

Our bags are triple strength.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- Y'all have a good day.

- Okay.

- Your hands must've been damp.

(audience laughing)

- My boyfriend Boris showed
me a good time last night.

We parked next to a
teenage couple at a drive-in.

(audience laughing)

- Perfect, I'll wear it home.

- Very good.

(audience laughing)

- You see a x, z, q.

You see a k, j, u.

You see a x, z,
q, you see a k, j, u.

X, z, q, and k, j, u.

You got 20/20 vision.

(audience laughing)

- I think I'll take a week off

and get a job.

(audience laughing)

- Good thought, Finneas.

- You know, I think
that horse I bet on

used to be in show business.

- Why?

- Well he just wound
up in a photo finish

and he insisted in two pictures.

One like this,
and one like this.

(audience laughing)

- The sign outside said
this was a piano bar.

- It is.

- Well then great!

(audience laughing)

- Political image
making is nothing new.

Let's go back to the 1800s
for a behind-the-scene

look at one
presidential candidate.

- Oh say, Abe, glad
you could make it pal.

I've come up with a
few ideas about how we

can change your appearance.

Gotta spruce up
the old image, a bit.

- Fine, whatever
you say Mr. Lazar.

- Good, good Abe.
That's the spirit Abe.

And the makeup
man's in the back room.

- Excellent.

- What kind of changes
are you gonna make?

- Well, for one thing,

we're gonna add a beard.

Give him that scholarly look.

- That's good.

- And then I figure
maybe a stove pipe hat.

Something for that
touch of elegance.

Maybe a cape, a
cape would be good.

And then we're gonna
put this mole on him

so people won't
think he's too perfect.

- That's terrific.

Say, here he comes now.

- [Man] Perfect!

We can't lose.

(audience laughing)

- What do you have
in a pair of moccasins?

- An Indian.

(audience laughing)

- What happened to you?

- Well, I followed
the map and it led me

right over the
middle of the band.

- Did you strike gold,
the precious medal?

- No, I struck Goldfarb,
the angry trombonist.

- I see.

(audience laughing)

- The Life of Sophia
Loren, take 36-24-36.

(audience laughing)

- What, what?

What is it?

- We just struck oil.

- Awe, you're kidding!

- King Henry VIII,

wouldn't it be awful
to be married to him?

Just imagine.

So mean.

(soft music)

Oh, Hank!

Hank, would you put down
that leg of lamb and talk to me?

- Please, not while I'm eating!

- But I am your queen,

and I want to make love!

- Oh, that does it.

Now you've ruined my appetite.

Off with your head.

- Oh, Hank!

You're gonna give me the ax?

- Let's just say I'm
gonna take a whack at it.

- You're gonna cut off
my head as punishment?

- No, in your case
it's a beauty treatment.

(audience laughing)

- You know the part I like
best in The French Connection?

- The chase scene.

- Yeah, that's right.

When you're driving
that car real fast down

the street and it kept swerving

and hittin' everything and
driving on the pavement

and hittin' other cars,
that was really exciting.

- That wasn't supposed to
be in the picture, you know.

- It wasn't?

- No, no.

We had the cameras
rolling when my wife

was driving home
so we just left it in.

(audience laughing)

- Now, here are a few highlights

on next week's show.

You'll see a hear Gretta
Garbo come out of retirement

and audition to get
on Let's Make a Deal.

You'll see a five thousand
pound rhino charge

at a woman with a plate of
turnips in NBC's commissary.

And you'll see
yourself making plans

to trade your radio
for a door-to-door

python franchise.

Thank you.

- Everybody knows you
as a beautiful baritone.

What were you
when you were a kid?

- Boy soprano and a sissy.

(audience laughing)

- Can't stand it any longer.

Going crazy, we've been
in this hot sun for five days.

Why can't we get going?

- Well, why didn't you tell
me you were ready to go.

I've been waiting for you.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Fan Anna's Breath
Freshener Company.

(audience laughing)

- When we get out I'm
going back to my old job.

- What'd you do?

- Was a prison warden.

(audience laughing)

- Boy, it was a rough
day at the factory.

- It sure was.

I almost forgot to punch out.

- What?

- Punch out.

- Okay... (audience laughing)

- Hey bartender, how much
is your finest vintage wine?

- Fifteen cents.

Including a nickel
deposit on each bottle.

(audience laughing)

- Do you deliver?

- Sure.

- Good.

(audience laughing)

- [Bartender] Where
do you want it delivered?

- [Man] Down here!

- [Bartender] You got it.

(audience laughing)

- Herschel Bernardi
was supposed to do TV's

first nude love scene
on The Arnie Show.

But, at the last minute the
producers had to cancel it.

The laugh machine was broken.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, how do you
know the end is near?

- Because here comes Dan
and Dick with the goodnights.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.

- Well, I'm kinda worried,
I'll tell you the truth.

- What's the matter?

- Well, I found a lost
girl in the parking lot

and I've been keeping
her in my dressing room.

- When'd you find her?

- Last Tuesday.

- Last Tuesday?

Her mother must be having a fit.

- Her mother?

I'm worried about her husband.

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, everybody!

- Goodnight, Ben.

Ahhhhhhhh!

(audience clapping)

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

(bell ringing)

Goodnight, Tinkle.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dickie.

- Goodnight, Dick.

- What would you never
say to Howard Hughes?

- Look, Howard, can I
get another picture of you

with that silly hat on?

(audience laughing)

- What should you never
ask Hubert Humphrey?

- If he'd like to
say a few words.

(audience laughing)

- Larry!

- Yeah?

- What should you
never say to any fisher?

- Can I use your
good luck charm?

- Allan, my hero?

What should you never
say to Don Rickles?

- Anything.

- That's right.

- Think about this,

what should you
never ask Tony Fields?

- If she'd like to have
a piggy back ride.

(audience laughing)

- What do you never
say to Archie Bunker?

- Excuse me, sir.

Would you like to
contribute to the NAACP?

(audience laughing)

- What do you never
say to Moisure Diane?

- Close one eye
and read the chart.

(audience laughing)

- What do you never
say to Daniel Eldsberg?

- Can you keep a secret?

(audience laughing)

- Lily?

What would you never
say to Ethel Merman?

- To Ethel Merman?

Please, Miss Merman,

would you step a little
closer to the microphone?

(audience laughing)

- What would you never
say to General Motors?

- How's Ralph Nader?

- What would you never
say to Ralph Nader?

- How's General Motors?

(audience laughing)

- What do you never
say to Timothy Leery?

(audience laughing)

- This program was
pre-recorded just

before this announcement
was pre-recorded

announcing that this
was all pre-recorded.

This is a recording.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(glass shattering)

- The preceding
performance was brought

to you through the
courtesy of the entire

Laugh-In staff.

It was one of the very
few times I have felt

courtesy was in poor taste.

Thank you.