Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 5, Episode 19 - Episode #5.19 - full transcript
- And now from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Nuclear Research
Center and Party Caterers,
NBC, the Now Becoming
Confused network,
avoids the mistake
of mistakenly avoiding
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In staring,
that scarce talent, Dan Rowan.
(applause)
And the scarcely
talented, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Carol Channing.
And Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
(applause)
With Dennis Allen,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson, Larry
Hovis and Moosie Drier.
And with cameo
appearances by Charlie Callas,
Dick Cavett, Richard Crenna,
Mona Tera, and Slappy White.
(applause)
And me, I'm Gary
Owens, reminding people
to stop jaywalking and reminding
Jays to stop peoplewalking.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I like doing comedy,
but just for a change, I
decided to appear on Laugh-In.
(audience laughter)
- Hi, I'm Dick Cavett
and for those of you
who haven't seen me,
may the bird of paradise
drop Ed McMahon
on your television set.
(audience laughter)
And vice versa.
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest
star, the lovely...
- And vivacious.
- And very exciting,
Ms. Carol Channing.
(applause)
- Thank you Dan and Dick.
- Carol, Carol, there's
something I've been
wanting to ask
you for a long time.
- And if the answer is
yes, how about me too?
- Wait a minute.
Will you just stay out of this?
Carol, you're always
on the go, I mean,
you're Broadway, London,
night clubs, television, movie,
where do you get
all your energy?
- Oh, sunflower seeds, see?
- Sunflower seeds?
- Anytime I need
a fast pick me up,
I eat a sunflower seed.
- One sunflower seed
gives you all that energy?
- Oh sure, look, I'll show you.
(rapid circus style music)
(audience laughter)
(applause)
- That's amazing, Carol.
You mean that's what happens
when you eat one sunflower seed?
- No, no, that's what happens
when you bite your tongue.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I wouldn't
want two of those.
- Oh no.
- Gee, Charlie, a lot of
people think you're weird
because you do imitations
of turkeys and chickens.
- Oh, actually I lead
a very normal life.
I'm happily married
and at this very moment,
my wife is expecting
our first egg.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat playful music)
Clown it up Have
a ball Tell a joke
Get a laugh Try
a fall Make a face
Ring a bell Do a
shtick Try a trick
Really sell, sell, sell
- Hey Ruth, a lot of people are
traveling these days by rail.
- Well, that could be
dangerous if a train comes along.
Woo!
(audience laughter)
- You know, I had a
very interesting problem,
a swallow who was afraid to fly.
- Oh, well, what did you do?
- Well, I'm breading him with
a fly that's afraid to swallow.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Larry!
- Yes, Lily?
- I had an uncle who
had the hair of a gorilla
transplanted on his head.
- Was it a success?
- Well, I'll let you
know as soon as
we can get him out of the tree.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, Larry.
- [Larry] Yes, Ruth?
- Larry, how are
we going to solve
the unemployment
problem in this country?
- Well, it's gonna take
an awful lot of work.
(audience laughter)
- You know what, I share a
garage with an undertaker.
- Well, I didn't know that.
- Yep, our cars are
marked his and hearse.
(audience laughter)
- Did you want to ask
me something, Alan?
- I certainly did.
What can stay under water
for long periods of time,
has never been photographed
and is very small?
- You know, I don't know, what?
- The Loch Ness Midget.
(audience laughter)
- Larry?
- Yes?
- My uncle once worked
as a window washer
a the Empire State Building
without a safety strap.
- What's he up to now?
- Oh, about here.
(audience laughter)
Two in a row!
- Woohoo!
Ruthy?
- What?
- Have you ever
been to an auction?
- Well, the other day I attended
an auction on Fire Island
and the first item sold
was the auctioneer.
- And not a minute too soon.
(audience laughter)
(manic laughter)
- My uncle married
a Siamese twin
and now he's being
sued for divorce.
- Well, what happened, Lil?
- His wife caught him fooling
around with another
girl, on the side.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Alan, what is chivalry?
- That's when a woman
walks on a gentleman's cloak.
- And what is women's lip?
- And that's when a woman
walks on a gentlemen.
(bright, playful music)
Cross your eyes Take a chance
Get the crowd, here's
a clown, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up,
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up!
(applause)
- Right now while
I'm talking to you,
they're taking a
joke out of the show.
(audience laughter)
- One thing I get upset
about on my late night show
is being continually
interrupted by commercials
and I'd like to take this
chance now to say...
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by...
- When the history of greats
is written in show business,
here are two who
will invariably read it.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(bright music)
- This is the nicest thing
that's happened to us all night.
Ladies and gentle...
- They remember us
from Once Upon a Horse.
- That must be the reason.
It's been playing on television
to our unending shame.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight...
- I would like to say that
here are the keys to my car.
- Oh, folks, those are the
keys to his, what is it now?
- Well, I flunked
my driver's test.
I just won't be needing
the car or the keys anymore.
- What did you do wrong?
- Well, the examiner
who was testing me
knocked off 10 points as
soon as I drove off the lot.
- Wow, did he want
you to drive off the lot?
- Not while he was still under
the car checking the muffler.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I can see where he
might have, might have...
- That upset him
a little, you know.
- Well, that still
leaves 90 points.
- Not after I made
the illegal U-turn.
- Why did you do that?
- Well, how would you get a
car out of a hardware store?
(audience laughter)
- Make a U-turn.
- Yeah, sure.
- Is that all that happened?
- No, later on I
had an accident.
I skinned both knees and my lip.
- How fast were you driving?
- Driving, I wasn't driving,
this was the written exam.
- Oh, during the written
exam you skinned it.
Why didn't you
take driving lessons?
- I did, but they didn't help.
- Oh.
- The first thing the
teacher told me was
when I wanted to stop, you see,
I was to hang my left
arm out the window.
- Sure, well what's
wrong with that?
- Well, it didn't work.
I had my arm out the
window for three blocks
and it didn't even slow me down.
(audience laughter)
I finally had to
put on the brake.
- It's a signal.
How many lessons did you take?
- Well, one as all that
I could take, actually.
He had a weird teaching method.
- Weird te, what, what was it?
- Well, every time I
did something wrong
he gave me a leg of lamb.
- Don't you like leg of lamb?
- Not up my nose, I don't.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, well, I got
something you'll like.
- What's that?
- The Quickies.
- What can I get in the balcony?
- Everything by leprosy.
(audience laughter)
- I hope you don't
mind a little pain.
- Oh, no, no doesn't bother me.
- Good!
(screaming) (whip cracking)
(audience laughter)
- Hello, darling, guess
who's coming to dinner?
(loud clinking)
Gotta get one of the aluminum.
(audience laughter)
Mmm, oh, sweetheart,
that is delicious, great.
- Dinner'll be ready as soon
as I finish washing these socks.
(audience laughter)
- I want a man to
love me for what I am.
- What is that, Gladys?
- Desperate.
(audience laughter)
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department?
Yes, Office Viver,
escaped mugger?
What did he get away with?
Twelve dollars, a
pair of handcuffs,
service revolver,
and a police uniform.
(audience laughter)
OK, wait in the phone
booth, we'll pick you up.
- I went to the
doctor the (groans),
I went to the (groans)
to the doctor the other,
hm, hm, hm, day and to
see if he could (babbles),
to see if he (clapping)
could stop these funny,
see if he could stop this
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
(heavy breathing)
funny s-sounds I make.
- What did he do?
- He told me to
take two (squeaking)
and call him in the morning.
(audience laughter)
- Now that's funny,
but they told it wrong.
(audience laughter)
- I want to buy a sweater.
- Yes, what kind did
you have in mind?
- Oh, a very good one,
I'm knitting a ball of yarn.
(audience laughter)
- Now they told that
right, but it's not funny.
(audience laughter)
- That's why I feel assured
that if we keep attending these
meetings, we no longer will
have the compulsion to steal.
Thank you.
(applause)
(upbeat kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
(Richard mumbles)
(audience laughter)
- The doctor told me I was
gonna be alright
and then he left.
Where did he go?
- My guess is he
went to confession.
(audience laughter)
- Give me a whiskey.
- Whiskey.
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughter)
- Quiet on set, Harry
Houdini story, take one.
(audience laughter)
(flowery piano music)
(loud ripping)
(audience laughter)
(rapid piano music)
- Oh, oh darling.
I meant to tell you, I
joined a wife swapping club.
I'm swapping you
for a hair dryer.
(audience laughter)
- Here's your breakfast
dear, eggs, bacon and toast.
- Honey, I specifically asked
that the eggs be turned over.
- Oh.
(loud clatter)
You got it.
(audience laughter)
(fly buzzing)
(loud spraying)
(loud clatter)
- Ms. Shaw, can you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
- Ms. Shaw, I have the
question here in my hand.
Now, you have no idea
what the question is?
- No, I have no idea
what the question is.
The only thing I do know,
is that the answer
is Benjamin Franklin.
(audience laughter)
- I've been in Los Angeles
twice in the last 10 years,
which actually puts me
in a tie with Mayor Yorty.
(audience laughter)
- No, no listen Ruth,
I can't come over
tonight, I'm exhausted.
Yeah, well, George stayed
home from work today,
so I had to do all
the things I've been
telling him I do every day.
(audience laughter)
- Russians are coming,
the Russians are coming.
- Please disregard
previous message, comrade.
(audience laughter)
Isn't this war a scream?
(audience laughter)
- Um, I'd like to have
a hamburger please.
- You want it with or without?
- Without.
- One hamburger, hold the meat.
(audience laughter)
- You wanna know
what I think, buddy?
I think you're a
yellow-bellied coward.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- How would you like to
step outside and say that.
- I'd love to, come on.
- OK, pally.
- [Richard] You don't
frighten me, buddy.
- Alright, pal.
(upbeat music)
- Oh ye of little faith.
How'd you like the Quickies?
- Well, I didn't see them.
I had to take my
drivers test again.
- Oh, good for you,
how'd you do this time?
- Well, I would have passed,
but had one little accident.
- I see.
- As a matter of fact, I have
to go pick my car up now.
- Where is it?
- At the corner of
Sunset and Vine
and Sunset and Highland,
Sunset and Fairfax.
(audience laughter)
La Brea.
- Well, Richard.
You've been on
Laugh-In twice now.
Can you tell us
what is the main thing
that's happened
as a result of this?
- I fired two agents.
- So have we.
(audience laughter)
- Love your apple.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
I went shopping with
momma and I got lost.
But I know what to
do when you get lost.
First, you stand in the
middle of a bunch of people
and then you scream
and you holler and you cry.
And then maybe you try
to get someone to buy you
an ice cream before
your mother finds you.
(audience laughter)
- Twelve coffees please.
Four cream and sugar,
two cream no sugar,
three sugar no cream,
two no sugar no cream
and one sugar
and cream no coffee
and could you hurry please,
we've only got a five
minute coffee break.
(audience laughter)
- Can I help you?
- On this date in 1967, the
National Prune and Fig Institute
devised a plan to
use trading cards
featuring Bob Cummings
and Guy Lombardo.
(audience laughter)
- You'll never hear
me saying anything bad
about Ehrlichman,
Haldeman, Kissinger or Shultz.
- Why not?
- I still have relatives
living in Washington.
(audience laughter)
- Good evening, we
are fortunate to be
talking tonight to
Mr. Slappy White,
candidate for the Vice
President of the United States.
Slappy, what do
you think it will be like
being the first black
Vice President?
- Well, I may not be black
by the time I take office.
(audience laughter)
- [Larry] How can that be?
- You know the
way I nice, thick,
juicy steak can
heal a block eye?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm having a
new suit made of meat.
(audience laughter)
- [Larry] Slappy, are you
going after the 18 year old vote?
- I'm going after
the 18 year old,
whether she's voting or not.
(audience laughter)
(peppy music)
- Oh, you cute
little darling digit.
Stick with Mabel and one
day you'll rule the world.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat disco music)
What's the news
crossing the nation
What's the news
crossing the nation
We have got the information
We have got the information
In a way hope will amuse you
In a way hope will amuse you
Hope we won't ever confuse you
Hope we won't ever
confuse you (screaming)
We just love to
give you our views
La, da, de, da La, da, de, da
La, da, de, da Le da, de, da
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In looks
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In looks
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Here's Dan and Dick.
Here's Dan and Dick
News News News
- [Carol] Knock it off!
- Knock it off!
(audience laughter)
- [Carol] Oh stop.
- [Lily] Oh stop.
(applause)
(girls yelling)
- [Gary] And here's
the Laugh-In News,
with Alex Dryer all
wet, Rolls-Royce in debt,
Daniel Ellsberg in a sweat,
and Nick the Greek,
place your bet.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In a development that
startled the automotive world,
house wife Mary Ann
Neusbaum has invented
an engine that runs on chicken
soup rather than gasoline.
- [Dan] No kidding.
- Yes, indeed.
When asked if this
would end air pollution,
Miss Neusbaum, Misses
Neusbaum that is, replied,
"I don't know, but my car
hasn't had a cold in three years."
(audience laughter)
Misses Neusbaum.
- [Dan] Got married did she?
- She said that right out.
(audience laughter)
Red China canceled
plans to introduce
the first bill into the
United Nations today,
when asked their reasons,
a spokesman for Red
Chinese delegation said,
"We changed our minds when
a survey of the other delegates
"showed that most of the nations
"would have refused
to surrender anyway."
(audience laughter)
You owe him 10.
Palermo, Sicily.
- [Dan] Oh, I won!
- Oh, you won?
Palermo, Sicily, a
statue of Frank Sinatra
erected in his father's
birthplace was unveiled today.
However, at the opening day
ceremonies, they were marred.
- Were they?
- Yes.
- [Dan] What happened Dick?
- It's kind of a shame.
- What happened?
- They were marred,
what happened was
a photographer attempted
to snap a picture of the statue
and it promptly fell on him.
(audience laughter)
- [Dan] Yes.
- Now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Well done, sir.
- Thank you.
- News of the future,
100 years from now.
As predicted, the
Ice Age has returned
and the entire Earth
is covered with ice.
Consequences have been serious.
Today a Ms. Leona
Pampus slipped on a sidewalk
in downtown San Antonio
and slid all the way to Brazil.
(audience laughter)
I thought the serious
consequences
would be a little more serious.
News of the future, 20
years from now in Baltimore.
In the tradition of the
libraries honoring the
accmoplishments of John
Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson,
Harry Truman, the
governor of Maryland today
dedicated the Spiro T.
Agnew Memorial Bookmobile.
(audience laughter)
The aging Mr. Agnew
choked back a tear
as he took the wheel,
started the engine,
and drove over the governor.
(audience laughter)
- And now from a tree
house somewhere in Burbank,
here's Moosie Drier
with kid news for kids.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Should have been
at school today.
Tommy O'Riley
brought a frog to school
and we hid the frog
in the teacher's desk.
And when the teacher
opened the desk,
you never saw a
frog jump so high.
And you never saw a
teacher jump so high either.
(audience laughter)
Poor Tommy O'Riley.
He got sent down
to the principal
and the teacher got
sent down to the doctor
and the frog got
send down the drain.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
(audience laughter)
- Now take you back
to the Sherwood Forest
in the days of Robin
Hood and his merry men.
- [Richard] Well, I
don't know about you,
but this isn't my
idea of a good time.
- Halt, who comes
in Sherwood Forest?
I am Robin Hood and
pray, who are you?
- I'm sir Dwayne of Carlmen
and this is my servant Dave.
- Well, you have
probably read, sir,
that I rob from the rich
and I give to the poor.
- You can't do that,
that's my entire fortune.
- I can't eh?
Here my good man,
perhaps this will help you out.
- I'm rich, I'm rich, ha, ha!
- I'm poor, I'm poor
I'm poor, oh my gosh.
- Not so fast, eh?
- I can get
something out of this.
I'm poor, I'm really poor.
- Take your money.
- Now I'm rich, now I'm rich.
- [Servant] Now you're poor!
- Now I'm out of the
scene because I'm...
(audience laughter)
- Tonight our own Eric Clarified
will explain exactly what
is currently happening
to the stock market and
to the Dow Jones averages.
- Now, the stock market
is causing a great concern
because the Dow Jones
averages are below average.
Now, although a below
average, average lately,
average is much above
a below high average,
or below a high
above low average,
we'll still find that one, the
bulls are becoming bearish,
two, being unable
to bear bearish bulls,
the bears are being bullied
and the bullished bears
and three, Dow isn't
talking to Jones anymore,
unless of course it rained.
(audience laughter)
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here
with sublime grime
and the tastiest of the
raciest in Tinseltown.
In the high budget remake
of the classic movie Camille,
stars Charlton Heston
and Joan Crawford
do a nude love scene.
It didn't start as a
nude love scene,
but half way through it,
the producer went bankrupt
and the costumes
were repossessed.
Busy Buzzi saying
ta-ta from Tinseltown
and kissy kissy.
(laughs)
Repossessed.
- Now to our man in New York.
- We're here in
New York to find out
how the average man feels
about the city and its problems.
- It's dirty, it's overcrowded,
it's not safe to walk on
the streets, New York has
got to be the world's worst city.
- Well, if you hate it so
much, why don't you leave?
- I can't, I'm the mayor.
- And that's the way it was
Arbor Day 1492 BC, 12:30 AM.
La, da, de, da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked,
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked,
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(girls scream)
(applause)
- Oh, gracious, good afternoon,
this is your emergency
operator speaking,
how may I help you (snorts)?
You say what?
You have a fire?
A fire in your kitchen?
Well, madam, the number
for the fire department
is listed in your
telephone directory.
(audience laughter)
Oh, your telephone
directory is on fire too?
Well, this is serious.
Now, listen to me, take
some water and throw it on the
flames, there may still be
time to save the yellow pages.
Madam, calm
yourself, listen to me.
No, no, no, listen
to Earnestine.
Get out of the kitchen
and go to one of the other
phones in your home
and make the call.
You what?
You have no other
phones in your home?
Well then, I suggest that
you have several installed
in one of our decorator colors.
Now then, what color
is your living room?
Green, turning black.
(audience laughter)
Let's see now, that
should go with the drapes.
You say the drapes
are gone already?
Now then, very well,
I will make the call
to the fire department for you.
But now, listen to
me, in the meantime,
get all your valuables
out of the house.
No, no, not the mink, stupid.
I'm talking about your
princess telephone.
Hello, hello?
(audience laughter)
- Ms. Channing, you have
such a large, lovely smile.
- Thank you, dear.
I learned that from
Arlene Francis.
She taught me how much
starch to put in my lipstick.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, Dick, what do you dislike
most about being a big star?
- Having to answer stupid
questions about what I like most.
(audience laughter)
- How do you like being short?
(audience laughter)
- Permission to lie down
with the wine cork, sir?
- What do you
think of the scientific
achievement of sending
a TV camera to Mars?
- Oh, it reminds me
of my brother, Richard.
- Why?
- He throws his money away also.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy, do you
think there will
ever be a woman
in the White House?
- The night I win the election,
the place will be full of 'em.
(audience laughter)
- You know, being the only
normal person on this show
can drive you crazy
(rapid squeaking).
Whoa, whoa, (yells),
(imitates honking).
(Pop Goes the Weasel)
- Well, Carol, you
ready to go to the party?
- Hey, before we
do, there's something
I always wanted to
know about Carol.
- Yeah, what's that?
- How come you've
got such big eyes?
- Yeah.
- Well, I used to have
smaller ones, Dick.
But they kept falling
out of their socket.
(audience laughter)
- Carol, let's go to the party.
- You go ahead,
I'll pick up her eyes.
(upbeat dance music)
- In the Garden of Eden,
Adam wrote the first
sex book called Everything
I've Always Wanted
to Know About Sex,
But Who Do I Ask?
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you know that President
Nixon came that close
to naming a woman
to the Supreme Court?
He only missed by one sex.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I went to a wild party at
the stock exchange last night
and the highlight of the evening
was when they had a naked
girl jump out the window.
(upbeat dance music)
- I've been through siege
and search procedures
three times (laughs), next
time I'm going to call a cop.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I understand that
Ronald Reagan's
going to pay state
income tax this year.
Even if he has to
fake his return to do it.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- Wanda, how would you like to
spend the evening at my place?
- Oh Dick, you have
a one track mind.
- You're right.
All aboard!
(upbeat dance music)
- Our committee investigating
corruption in government
is back in session
ahead of schedule.
Our chairman got three
months off for good behavior.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I recently conducted services
at a funeral for
a prize fighter.
Many of his fellow
boxers were there,
I was doing fine until
the steeple bell rang
and they all came out punching.
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, down at
the newspaper, Wanda,
I tried that four day work
week for a full month,
but it didn't work out.
- What happened?
- Well, I got canned.
I mean, we were
supposed to be working five.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
(laughs)
- Hold it down, hold it down.
- Hard as a rock.
Listen, with all the
trouble on earth today,
I'm glad there's one
place, the United Nations,
made up people from every
different country in the world,
all trying to bring peace.
- Well, that's true,
but some people say
the UN hasn't
been too successful.
- Well, of course, what do you
expect from a
bunch of foreigners?
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- My tax accountant told me
to make some contributions
to a non-profit organization.
So I sent 200 dollars to
the Pennsylvania Railroad.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
(applause)
- Dick, you certainly qualify
as an expert on talk shows,
you've been doing
one a long time.
Would you agree that
a good conversationalist
also has to be a good listener?
- I'm sorry, I wasn't
listening, what?
(audience laughter)
- There has been
much legal confusion
as to a precise definition of
what constitutes pornography.
To explain this, here
is our research expert.
- Well, uh, actually,
to, if you were to def,
to define porn, the thing
about porno, first of all,
you have, if it's in, if an X
rated, the thing if you take,
if you consider that
anything that arouses,
you know, really stim,
it turns, makes you uh,
want it really, turns,
lift things, you know,
anything that's lewd or
lust, turns, really makes,
you know, what, or
Lewis, a friend that he,
if you, he, like
a part of an act,
or whatever part
they, you never know
if they have got little,
wherever they turn the covers,
you don't know what's
gonna, you can't, the, if,
it's most impor,
the thing actually,
well, it's dirty, is what it
is, I mean, if it's any good.
(audience laughter)
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department.
Yes, Officer Viver speaking.
You found a lost girl.
Will you give me a
description please?
Blue dress, what?
Pink ribbon, brown hair,
eyes blue, age about 21,
when are you bringing her in?
Good.
A week from when?
(audience laughter)
- Oh doctor, I wish
you'd put me out first.
- Alright, you've got it.
Out, out, out!
(audience laughter)
- Here's a late football
score from Germany,
East Berlin 9, West Berlin, ya.
- Nurse, I want to walk
in the sunshine again.
Feel the wind in my face, run
barefoot through open fields,
how can I do that?
- I suggest you join a religion
that believes in reincarnation.
(audience laughter)
- When they asked me if I
wanted to be on Laugh-In,
I said (babbles).
Whoa, I got the part.
(audience laughter)
- I want...
- How about coming up to
my room for three wild nights?
- Well, I'm sorry, I
don't think I can make it.
- Can you make it two?
- No.
- Well, what are you doing
for the next 10 minutes?
(audience laughter)
- Help, help!
Somebody throw me a line.
- [Man] How's this one?
Why does the
chicken cross the road?
- Oh, Hi, Henny!
(audience laughter)
- Pardon me, uh,
sir, miss, ma'am.
- Miss.
- What are you doing
here in the desert?
- Oh, I'm looking
for old fossils.
- You mean old
bones in the ground?
- Oh, no, no, my two
ex-husbands that deserted me.
(manic laughter)
(audience laughter)
- We're gonna have a
wonderful time tonight,
the bus'll be along
in just a minute.
- How cheap can you get,
taking me out for a date
on a bus instead of a cab?
- But taxi prices are so high.
- Now what do you think, huh?
Have you ever seen
anybody so cheap,
making me take a bus.
- Uh, yes...
- What do you mean,
so I'm cheap huh?
- Oh, I didn't mean
that you were cheap, sir.
- Well, what are you talking
about then, about my girl.
- I didn't even notice her, sir.
I was just standing
here to wait...
- What, you didn't
even notice me?
(audience laughter)
- Will you get your
greasy hands off my girl?
- Oh, I wouldn't
dream of touching
your girl, sir, I'm here...
- Oh, you think I got
bad taste in chicks?
(audience laughter)
- I never said that, sir...
- I see, you think
you're too good for me.
- Oh, no, I think you're
very attractive, I like your...
- Attractive, what are
you trying to steal my girl?
(loud thud)
Oh, you know you're right,
you meet a lot of
creeps at bus stops.
Come on, I'll call a cab.
(audience laughter)
(loud thuds)
- While you're at it, would
you call me an ambulance?
- OK, you're an ambulance.
(audience laughter)
- That didn't make
me laugh at all.
(audience laughter)
- Charlie, how come
you've got such a slim build?
- Well, uh, when I was a kid,
my parents couldn't
afford to buy me a crib,
so for the first seven years
of my life, I slept
in a lead pipe.
- Quiet on the set, The
Love Life of George Jessel,
cue the rest home
and the nursery.
(audience laughter)
- What's a nice gift to show
someone that you love them?
- Oh, well, how about
a nice pair of socks?
- Oh, OK.
I'll take 300 pairs of socks
if you can deliver them
to the boys of the
Battleship Ticonderoga.
(audience laughter)
(playful piano music)
(audience laughter)
- Mr. White, what do
you think qualifies you
for the high office
of Vice President?
- Well, I once debated
George Wallace and lived.
(audience laughter)
- Grab the canes.
- Get the hats.
- Set the props.
- Find your spot.
- Where's the band?
- In the bus.
- Ready, set.
- Hit it, Rus.
(audience laughter)
A team for tonight
The theme for tonight
It's Carol and it's Barbra
With a scheme for tonight
If everything's right, we
might be a perfect team
You know, like Jack
and Mary Mutt and Jeff
Or Tom and Jerry Moving tonight
We're groovin tonight
If all goes well the act
might be improvin' tonight
We're just out of sight
And quite like a lovely dream
We'll even move the masses
Just like Jackie and Onassis
We'll be like Rowan and Martin
That's Dicky and Dan
We'll I'll drink to that
We'll be like Taylor and Burton
A sort of sing and dance
in Lunt and Fontanne
We'll kill 'em tonight
We'll thrill 'em tonight
And hope we might achieve
the proper billing tonight
We're not going to fight
We're on the well known beat
We'll vamp for
Maharaja I'll be Eva
I'll be Zsa Zsa.
I will tell some tall
and some short jokes
To fill out the turn
Two, three, four
I will sing some old
and some new songs
While playing Rosencrantz
and Ma Guildenstern
We'll make it tonight
We'll take it tonight
And like the Dolly sisters
we will fake it tonight
We'll stand in the
light Stage right
On an amber
beam, it's fair time,
Sonny and Cher time
With careful study and planning
You'll all love
Sharma and Channing
Channing and Sharma
Sharma and Channing
And that's right
A team for tonight
- Hey, did you ever hear
the one about the guy
with a mustache, you
know? A team for tonight
For two And two for tea
Tis me and you and
you A team for tonight
Goodnight (applause)
- Calling all cars,
calling all cars
proceed at once to
corner of Fifth and Main.
(squealing brakes)
(loud crash)
I guess they all got there.
(audience laughter)
- How come I'm not
allowed any visitors?
- Look, Pal, this is a hospital.
We don't people
to look at anything
that might make them sick.
(audience laughter)
- And now, here's Bob and
Carol and Ted and Alice to sing
No Four People Have
Ever Been So In Love.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat playful music)
(audience laughter)
- Now, what seems
to be your trouble.
(audience laughter)
(angry mumbling)
What?
- Slappy, how do you intend to
campaign for the southern vote?
- By helicopter.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy do you agree that
the world is overpopulated?
- You know, I hadn't
ever agreed with that
until the other day
when I came home early
and found a man in my closet.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy, do you
think that children
should be allowed
to pray in the schools?
- I think they should pray where
it's needed most, on the bus.
(audience laughter)
- Permission to make an
obscene phone call sir, to me self.
(audience laughter)
- How do you rate
yourself as far...
- Hm?
- I said how do
you rate yourself
as far as talk show hosts go?
- Well, that's embarrassing,
but I would say
that without a doubt,
I'm head and shoulders
under the rest of them.
(audience laughter)
I'll catch you up to size.
- Shane?
Shane?
Come back Shane!
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for my bird.
(bird squawking)
- I should have
guessed, your bird?
- Yes, I have a hunting bird.
- Oh, then you're a falconer?
- You're not so hot yourself.
- Oh, come on.
A person who trains
falcons to hunt is a falconer.
- Hm, then that would
make the falcon the falconee.
- The falconee, you got it.
- Shane, Shane, come back Shane!
- Wait, wait a minute, listen.
Judging from the
condition of your clothes,
you're not really a
terribly expert at this.
- Are you kidding, he was
terrible when I first got him.
He kept landing on
my new leather glove.
(audience laughter)
- Now you got him
all over you, huh?
- Right.
- How did you break him
of landing on your glove?
- Simple, every
time he landed there,
I made him eat something.
- Doesn't he like to eat?
- Not his own foot.
(audience laughter)
That'll teach him,
I'll guarantee ya.
- Yeah, tell me about Shane.
What is hunting?
Birds, mice...
- No, that's much too easy.
- Too easy?
- He hunts moose.
(audience laughter)
- Moose?
- Moose.
- How does he catch a moose?
- Well, first of all, he
spots the moose, you see.
- Spots the moose.
- Spots the moose and then
he gets the sun at his back.
- Right out of
the sun he goes...
- Right, so nobody
can see him, right?
Then he swoops down
and with talons extended...
- Yeah.
- He grabs them by the antlers.
- And that's when
he gets the moose?
- No, that's when
he gets a hernia.
(audience laughter)
Those moose are heavy, you know.
- That's a terrible thing,
to get a moose hernia.
Hey, I'm glad to
have heard all that.
Very interesting.
- Thank you.
It's not bad though, it
kept him out of the army.
- The hernia?
- The hernia.
Is that late?
- Yeah, it was
just a shade or so.
- Shane?
- We're gonna get your bird...
- Shane?
(laughter drowns
out other sounds)
- How about something
in the first row?
- OK, but you'll have to
wait till the show's over.
(audience laughter)
- Well, hello friends.
This is Chaplin Bud Homily.
Just remember that
money is the root of all evil.
Oh dear.
(audience laughter)
- What do you see
in your crystal ball?
- Oh, oh, I see that very soon
a mysterious woman
will come into your life.
She will give you bad advice
and take money from you.
Oh!
Whoa!
(laughing)
Hey, hey, this thing's
starting to work.
(audience laughter)
(dramatic piano music)
(audience laughter)
- I'm glad the topless
craze is ending.
- Yeah, for a while
there on Broadway,
you couldn't get their
part without showing yours.
(audience laughter)
- Listen, Mr. Crenna,
do you ever watch yourself up
on the screen
when you're acting?
- No, no, I think it
makes one too egotistical.
- Well, not in your
case it wouldn't (laughs).
(audience laughter)
- Oh Juliet, descend
thy balcony, avant, avant!
- What do you vant?
- I vant you to
descend the balcony.
(audience laughter)
- Juliet calls to me
as a flower to a bee,
to be or not to be,
that is the question.
- But Juliet is mine.
- Vassal, by the boards
of yon castle doors,
we'll settle this parcel
of puzzles with swords.
I'll have at thee.
- I'll have at thee.
- Ah ha!
- Who's going to have at me?
(audience laughter)
- I had a terrific career
going in the theater
but one night the vice squad
caught me in the balcony.
(audience laughter)
- I didn't fly and
come all this way
for the last minute, Harry,
we'll never get tickets now,
this is the hottest
show in town.
- Just relax, they always
have a few available seats.
- Can I help you, sir?
- Two tickets please.
- You mind not sitting together?
- That'll be alright.
- Good.
I've got one for April the 6th
and one for November 24th.
(audience laughter)
Tell me, from the
way she's dressed,
is there a carnival in town?
(audience laughter)
- You know what I
really want to do?
- No.
- Go into motion pictures...
- Really?
- And become a
suave, sophisticated
Clark Gable type of leading man.
- Uh huh.
- Now, what do you think I
should change my name to?
- The Masked Lover.
(audience laughter)
- There's a new musical
coming out on Broadway
about a nun who takes care
of a family in New York City.
It's called The
Sound of Mugging.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, well, if you
think that's something,
morals have changed
so much recently,
that they're going to
do an up to date version
of an old classic
and they're going to
change the name
to Yes, Yes, Nanette.
(audience laughter)
- Naughty, naughty.
(audience laughter)
- Our Ms. Brooks found a new
way of teaching sex education.
Tonight she's my Ms. Brooks.
(audience laughter)
- Do you have a campaign slogan?
- Yes.
My slogan is in your
heart, you know he's white.
(audience laughter)
- Got him!
- Hey, that bird
looks like he's dead.
- Thank you.
- What do you mean thank you?
- It's a trick I taught him.
- Oh, how do you teach
a falcon to play dead?
- Simple, every time he does
something wrong,
I clean his beak.
- He doesn't like you
to clean his beak?
- Not with a blow
torch he doesn't.
(audience laughter)
- Hi folks, Crazy Clara,
The Used Car Cutie here
and I'm practically
giving everything away.
Crazy Clara claims that
every used item on this lot
has been used very carefully.
(audience laughter)
And I can guarantee
that personally.
(audience laughter)
My mechanics have
spent weeks stripping
every item on this
lot and I tell you,
those were some of the
best weeks I've ever had.
Every car here is
in perfect condition
and those mechanics
are in great shape too.
(audience laughter)
- I hate it when people
say that I'm weird.
The next time somebody
calls me, (groans),
the next time somebody
calls me (groans),
(hums) crazy I'm gonna
give them one of these.
(babbles)
(audience laughter)
- Well, that's all for
today Ms. Golden.
Remember not to
eat too many sweets.
- Yes, doctor.
- Oh wait, here's your lollipop.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, you're home.
Oh, I've been worried.
Why don't you get
out of this business?
- Oh no, no, no, I enjoy
working with people.
(audience laughter)
- Hello, maintenance department?
The light's out in my office,
would you send somebody up here
to dig a hole in my desk.
(audience laughter)
- Nurse, thank
you for shaving me.
- That's alright, I get a
kickback from the undertaker.
(audience laughter)
- But Ms. Brooks, Ms.
Brooks, a fire broke out
in the girl's locker room while
they were changing clothes.
I offered to help put it out,
but they said I wasn't even
supposed to be in here.
- Dick, what does it take
to be a late night
talk show host?
- An uncanny ability to
tell people where to sit.
(audience laughter)
(triumphant music)
- Tonight's Whoopie
Award goes to the
United States Bureau of
Mines Energy Research Center.
- And what did they do?
Shorten their name?
- No, they've done
something that
men have been
dreaming about for years.
- Ha, ha, they got a
date with Raquel Welch.
- Bigger than that.
- Sophia Loren?
- No, no.
- It doesn't get much
bigger than that.
- I'm talking about
recycling of waste.
- Oh.
- The Research center
has perfected a method
of turning any kind of
organic waste into oil.
- That's quite an
accomplishment.
How do they do that?
- Well, it's very simple really,
they put the garbage
into a pressure cooker,
they add carbon monoxide
gas, cook it for 20 minutes.
- Well, that sounds like
dinner at Phyllis Diller's house.
(audience laughter)
- Well, that may be.
But what they end up with is
half crude oil and half water.
- Funny, that's what
she started with.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
Well, in any event,
US Bureau of Mines
Energy Research Center,
for making this major
breakthrough in our fight
for ecology, we salute you.
Salute, salute.
- And try, excuse me.
Try adding a
little salt next time.
- Yes.
- Whoopie!
(audience laughter)
(dramatic organ music)
- Oh mother dear,
our thoughts of you
are with us day and night.
Wherever we are, whatever we do,
the thought of you stays bright.
Though others may
have worldly things,
(sobs) and with
riches may be blessed,
our riches are
the love that brings
thoughts of our mother
the, the whole world's best.
(sobbing)
(audience laughter)
Oh, I like the
part about with the
riches may be blessed,
et cetera, et cetera.
(audience laughter)
- I stand behind every
one of them friends,
whether it's a four door
sedan without a scratch,
or a three door sedan that's
been in a slight accident.
(audience laughter)
Now, over there, I
have a slightly used car
that was driven on Sunday
by a little old lady only once.
(audience laughter)
Through a saloon.
Now, this vehicle
is slightly damaged.
Over here, but
it's still a good one.
A good buy for anyone
willing to drive a car
with jukebox in the front grill.
- Listen, you know
this, in my leisure time,
my hobby used to
be model making.
- Really, why did you quit?
- My wife caught
me with the model.
(audience laughter)
- Tell me Charlie,
you like to cook.
Now, what's the best
way to make a lamb chop?
- Give him a hatchet and
show him where the tree is.
(audience laughter)
Whoa.
- I really like this one.
- I do, I love the suit.
- Oh, it matches her, maybe.
- Harry, try it on,
try it on honey.
- OK, I'll try it.
- Oh, I'm sorry folks.
The dressing room is occupied.
The gentlemen will be...
- The dressing...
- Out in just a moment.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Well this is an outrage.
- What's the matter?
- Well, it's way too long.
- What do you mean
it's way too long?
- The pattern, it clashes
with your skin color.
- Alright, well, let me see
something in a bow tie.
(audience laughter)
- You know, Doris, you've got
everything a man could want.
- Like what?
- Like the bottle.
(audience laughter)
- I don't mean to be a prude,
it's just that I'm
so very good at it.
(audience laughter)
- Now a lot of you
men may wonder
about buying a car from a woman.
When it comes to cars,
you fellows may wonder
whether a woman knows
the backseat from the front.
Well, I've tried them both
and as a woman in cars,
I won't take a front
seat to anyone.
(audience laughter)
So drop by Crazy Clara's guys
and find out what a
backseat driver really can be.
(audience laughter)
I'll be right here,
Crazy Clara's Car Lot
has stood here like
the Rock of Gibraltar
for over 40 years
and I guarantee
we'll stand here
another 40 years.
(audience laughter)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Yeah, how'd you
like to hear a riddle?
- Definitely not.
- Well, now that you've
begged me, I'll go on with it.
- Yeah, I suppose.
- What do Truman Capote and
Gale Storm have in common?
- Truman Capote and
Gale, I haven't any idea.
- Neither one,
neither one of them.
- Neither one.
- Neither.
Has ever danced with
Broderick Crawford.
(audience laughter)
- Will you say goodnight, Dick?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
(upbeat, bright music)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughter)
- Goodnight, Dick (snorts).
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- No, he's out there with Dan.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick (sobs).
- Night, Dick.
- Goodnight.
Dick.
(audience laughter)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- (Giggles) Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight (babbles), goodnight
(babbles), goodnight, Dick.
(audience laughter)
- Do you know what you
should never ask Phyllis Diller?
Do you know any
good hairdresser?
(audience laughter)
- Barbra, what would you
never ask Howard Hughes?
- Well, can I just get
one more picture of you
with your arm around
Amelia Earhart?
(audience laughter)
- Ruth, what do you
never ask Richard Nixon?
- Could you make
that a little clearer?
- Lily, what would you
never ask Mohammad Ali?
- How would you like
a punch in the nose?
- Dicky, Dicky, do.
- Yep?
- What do you never
ask Mickey Rooney?
- You never ask Mickey
would you reach up
and get me that book
from the top shelf please?
(laughter drowns
out other noise)
away when you're
having fun, Dan.
- What would you
never ask Mayor Yorty?
- How are things in Los Angeles?
(audience laughter)
- Barbra, do you have
a question for me?
- Yes, I do.
- OK.
- What should you never
ask nationalist China?
- If they'd like to have a seat.
- [Dan] Hey, that's pretty good.
- Alan, my inspiration,
what should
you never ask Totie
Fields's husband?
- How's the little woman?
(audience laughter)
- Say, Dick, what should
you never ask Sprio Agnew?
- If you can play through.
- Dan, what should you
never ask Sophia Loren?
- Hey, can I ride on the front
of the motorcycle awhile?
- Do you know what you
should never ask Ralph Nader?
How's things?
(audience laughter)
- Ladies and
gentlemen, it's at this time
that I come on to tell you
that this program
is pre-recorded.
And furthermore, I want
to go on record as saying
I'm sick and
tired of saying this
program is
pre-recorded, that's what.
This tirade is pre-recorded.
- While, I do think that
the music which ends
the entire Laugh-In
program is in good taste,
I do feel it's unfortunate
that it has to be
preceded by the entire
Laugh-In program.
(audience laughter)
(Pop Goes the Weasel)
(dramatic piano music)
(audience laughter)
(upbeat, playful music)
(audience laughter)
(applause)
beautiful downtown
Burbank Nuclear Research
Center and Party Caterers,
NBC, the Now Becoming
Confused network,
avoids the mistake
of mistakenly avoiding
Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-In staring,
that scarce talent, Dan Rowan.
(applause)
And the scarcely
talented, Dick Martin.
With special guest
star, Carol Channing.
And Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
(applause)
With Dennis Allen,
Barbara Sharma,
Richard Dawson, Larry
Hovis and Moosie Drier.
And with cameo
appearances by Charlie Callas,
Dick Cavett, Richard Crenna,
Mona Tera, and Slappy White.
(applause)
And me, I'm Gary
Owens, reminding people
to stop jaywalking and reminding
Jays to stop peoplewalking.
(audience laughter)
- You know, I like doing comedy,
but just for a change, I
decided to appear on Laugh-In.
(audience laughter)
- Hi, I'm Dick Cavett
and for those of you
who haven't seen me,
may the bird of paradise
drop Ed McMahon
on your television set.
(audience laughter)
And vice versa.
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
our special guest
star, the lovely...
- And vivacious.
- And very exciting,
Ms. Carol Channing.
(applause)
- Thank you Dan and Dick.
- Carol, Carol, there's
something I've been
wanting to ask
you for a long time.
- And if the answer is
yes, how about me too?
- Wait a minute.
Will you just stay out of this?
Carol, you're always
on the go, I mean,
you're Broadway, London,
night clubs, television, movie,
where do you get
all your energy?
- Oh, sunflower seeds, see?
- Sunflower seeds?
- Anytime I need
a fast pick me up,
I eat a sunflower seed.
- One sunflower seed
gives you all that energy?
- Oh sure, look, I'll show you.
(rapid circus style music)
(audience laughter)
(applause)
- That's amazing, Carol.
You mean that's what happens
when you eat one sunflower seed?
- No, no, that's what happens
when you bite your tongue.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I wouldn't
want two of those.
- Oh no.
- Gee, Charlie, a lot of
people think you're weird
because you do imitations
of turkeys and chickens.
- Oh, actually I lead
a very normal life.
I'm happily married
and at this very moment,
my wife is expecting
our first egg.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat playful music)
Clown it up Have
a ball Tell a joke
Get a laugh Try
a fall Make a face
Ring a bell Do a
shtick Try a trick
Really sell, sell, sell
- Hey Ruth, a lot of people are
traveling these days by rail.
- Well, that could be
dangerous if a train comes along.
Woo!
(audience laughter)
- You know, I had a
very interesting problem,
a swallow who was afraid to fly.
- Oh, well, what did you do?
- Well, I'm breading him with
a fly that's afraid to swallow.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Larry!
- Yes, Lily?
- I had an uncle who
had the hair of a gorilla
transplanted on his head.
- Was it a success?
- Well, I'll let you
know as soon as
we can get him out of the tree.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, Larry.
- [Larry] Yes, Ruth?
- Larry, how are
we going to solve
the unemployment
problem in this country?
- Well, it's gonna take
an awful lot of work.
(audience laughter)
- You know what, I share a
garage with an undertaker.
- Well, I didn't know that.
- Yep, our cars are
marked his and hearse.
(audience laughter)
- Did you want to ask
me something, Alan?
- I certainly did.
What can stay under water
for long periods of time,
has never been photographed
and is very small?
- You know, I don't know, what?
- The Loch Ness Midget.
(audience laughter)
- Larry?
- Yes?
- My uncle once worked
as a window washer
a the Empire State Building
without a safety strap.
- What's he up to now?
- Oh, about here.
(audience laughter)
Two in a row!
- Woohoo!
Ruthy?
- What?
- Have you ever
been to an auction?
- Well, the other day I attended
an auction on Fire Island
and the first item sold
was the auctioneer.
- And not a minute too soon.
(audience laughter)
(manic laughter)
- My uncle married
a Siamese twin
and now he's being
sued for divorce.
- Well, what happened, Lil?
- His wife caught him fooling
around with another
girl, on the side.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Alan, what is chivalry?
- That's when a woman
walks on a gentleman's cloak.
- And what is women's lip?
- And that's when a woman
walks on a gentlemen.
(bright, playful music)
Cross your eyes Take a chance
Get the crowd, here's
a clown, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up,
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up!
(applause)
- Right now while
I'm talking to you,
they're taking a
joke out of the show.
(audience laughter)
- One thing I get upset
about on my late night show
is being continually
interrupted by commercials
and I'd like to take this
chance now to say...
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by...
- When the history of greats
is written in show business,
here are two who
will invariably read it.
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
(bright music)
- This is the nicest thing
that's happened to us all night.
Ladies and gentle...
- They remember us
from Once Upon a Horse.
- That must be the reason.
It's been playing on television
to our unending shame.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight...
- I would like to say that
here are the keys to my car.
- Oh, folks, those are the
keys to his, what is it now?
- Well, I flunked
my driver's test.
I just won't be needing
the car or the keys anymore.
- What did you do wrong?
- Well, the examiner
who was testing me
knocked off 10 points as
soon as I drove off the lot.
- Wow, did he want
you to drive off the lot?
- Not while he was still under
the car checking the muffler.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I can see where he
might have, might have...
- That upset him
a little, you know.
- Well, that still
leaves 90 points.
- Not after I made
the illegal U-turn.
- Why did you do that?
- Well, how would you get a
car out of a hardware store?
(audience laughter)
- Make a U-turn.
- Yeah, sure.
- Is that all that happened?
- No, later on I
had an accident.
I skinned both knees and my lip.
- How fast were you driving?
- Driving, I wasn't driving,
this was the written exam.
- Oh, during the written
exam you skinned it.
Why didn't you
take driving lessons?
- I did, but they didn't help.
- Oh.
- The first thing the
teacher told me was
when I wanted to stop, you see,
I was to hang my left
arm out the window.
- Sure, well what's
wrong with that?
- Well, it didn't work.
I had my arm out the
window for three blocks
and it didn't even slow me down.
(audience laughter)
I finally had to
put on the brake.
- It's a signal.
How many lessons did you take?
- Well, one as all that
I could take, actually.
He had a weird teaching method.
- Weird te, what, what was it?
- Well, every time I
did something wrong
he gave me a leg of lamb.
- Don't you like leg of lamb?
- Not up my nose, I don't.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, well, I got
something you'll like.
- What's that?
- The Quickies.
- What can I get in the balcony?
- Everything by leprosy.
(audience laughter)
- I hope you don't
mind a little pain.
- Oh, no, no doesn't bother me.
- Good!
(screaming) (whip cracking)
(audience laughter)
- Hello, darling, guess
who's coming to dinner?
(loud clinking)
Gotta get one of the aluminum.
(audience laughter)
Mmm, oh, sweetheart,
that is delicious, great.
- Dinner'll be ready as soon
as I finish washing these socks.
(audience laughter)
- I want a man to
love me for what I am.
- What is that, Gladys?
- Desperate.
(audience laughter)
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department?
Yes, Office Viver,
escaped mugger?
What did he get away with?
Twelve dollars, a
pair of handcuffs,
service revolver,
and a police uniform.
(audience laughter)
OK, wait in the phone
booth, we'll pick you up.
- I went to the
doctor the (groans),
I went to the (groans)
to the doctor the other,
hm, hm, hm, day and to
see if he could (babbles),
to see if he (clapping)
could stop these funny,
see if he could stop this
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
(heavy breathing)
funny s-sounds I make.
- What did he do?
- He told me to
take two (squeaking)
and call him in the morning.
(audience laughter)
- Now that's funny,
but they told it wrong.
(audience laughter)
- I want to buy a sweater.
- Yes, what kind did
you have in mind?
- Oh, a very good one,
I'm knitting a ball of yarn.
(audience laughter)
- Now they told that
right, but it's not funny.
(audience laughter)
- That's why I feel assured
that if we keep attending these
meetings, we no longer will
have the compulsion to steal.
Thank you.
(applause)
(upbeat kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
(Richard mumbles)
(audience laughter)
- The doctor told me I was
gonna be alright
and then he left.
Where did he go?
- My guess is he
went to confession.
(audience laughter)
- Give me a whiskey.
- Whiskey.
- I'll have a frozen daiquiri.
(audience laughter)
- Quiet on set, Harry
Houdini story, take one.
(audience laughter)
(flowery piano music)
(loud ripping)
(audience laughter)
(rapid piano music)
- Oh, oh darling.
I meant to tell you, I
joined a wife swapping club.
I'm swapping you
for a hair dryer.
(audience laughter)
- Here's your breakfast
dear, eggs, bacon and toast.
- Honey, I specifically asked
that the eggs be turned over.
- Oh.
(loud clatter)
You got it.
(audience laughter)
(fly buzzing)
(loud spraying)
(loud clatter)
- Ms. Shaw, can you hear me?
- Yes, I can.
- Ms. Shaw, I have the
question here in my hand.
Now, you have no idea
what the question is?
- No, I have no idea
what the question is.
The only thing I do know,
is that the answer
is Benjamin Franklin.
(audience laughter)
- I've been in Los Angeles
twice in the last 10 years,
which actually puts me
in a tie with Mayor Yorty.
(audience laughter)
- No, no listen Ruth,
I can't come over
tonight, I'm exhausted.
Yeah, well, George stayed
home from work today,
so I had to do all
the things I've been
telling him I do every day.
(audience laughter)
- Russians are coming,
the Russians are coming.
- Please disregard
previous message, comrade.
(audience laughter)
Isn't this war a scream?
(audience laughter)
- Um, I'd like to have
a hamburger please.
- You want it with or without?
- Without.
- One hamburger, hold the meat.
(audience laughter)
- You wanna know
what I think, buddy?
I think you're a
yellow-bellied coward.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- How would you like to
step outside and say that.
- I'd love to, come on.
- OK, pally.
- [Richard] You don't
frighten me, buddy.
- Alright, pal.
(upbeat music)
- Oh ye of little faith.
How'd you like the Quickies?
- Well, I didn't see them.
I had to take my
drivers test again.
- Oh, good for you,
how'd you do this time?
- Well, I would have passed,
but had one little accident.
- I see.
- As a matter of fact, I have
to go pick my car up now.
- Where is it?
- At the corner of
Sunset and Vine
and Sunset and Highland,
Sunset and Fairfax.
(audience laughter)
La Brea.
- Well, Richard.
You've been on
Laugh-In twice now.
Can you tell us
what is the main thing
that's happened
as a result of this?
- I fired two agents.
- So have we.
(audience laughter)
- Love your apple.
- My name is Edith Ann
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
I went shopping with
momma and I got lost.
But I know what to
do when you get lost.
First, you stand in the
middle of a bunch of people
and then you scream
and you holler and you cry.
And then maybe you try
to get someone to buy you
an ice cream before
your mother finds you.
(audience laughter)
- Twelve coffees please.
Four cream and sugar,
two cream no sugar,
three sugar no cream,
two no sugar no cream
and one sugar
and cream no coffee
and could you hurry please,
we've only got a five
minute coffee break.
(audience laughter)
- Can I help you?
- On this date in 1967, the
National Prune and Fig Institute
devised a plan to
use trading cards
featuring Bob Cummings
and Guy Lombardo.
(audience laughter)
- You'll never hear
me saying anything bad
about Ehrlichman,
Haldeman, Kissinger or Shultz.
- Why not?
- I still have relatives
living in Washington.
(audience laughter)
- Good evening, we
are fortunate to be
talking tonight to
Mr. Slappy White,
candidate for the Vice
President of the United States.
Slappy, what do
you think it will be like
being the first black
Vice President?
- Well, I may not be black
by the time I take office.
(audience laughter)
- [Larry] How can that be?
- You know the
way I nice, thick,
juicy steak can
heal a block eye?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm having a
new suit made of meat.
(audience laughter)
- [Larry] Slappy, are you
going after the 18 year old vote?
- I'm going after
the 18 year old,
whether she's voting or not.
(audience laughter)
(peppy music)
- Oh, you cute
little darling digit.
Stick with Mabel and one
day you'll rule the world.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat disco music)
What's the news
crossing the nation
What's the news
crossing the nation
We have got the information
We have got the information
In a way hope will amuse you
In a way hope will amuse you
Hope we won't ever confuse you
Hope we won't ever
confuse you (screaming)
We just love to
give you our views
La, da, de, da La, da, de, da
La, da, de, da Le da, de, da
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In looks
Ladies and gents, Laugh-In looks
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
Here's Dan and Dick.
Here's Dan and Dick
News News News
- [Carol] Knock it off!
- Knock it off!
(audience laughter)
- [Carol] Oh stop.
- [Lily] Oh stop.
(applause)
(girls yelling)
- [Gary] And here's
the Laugh-In News,
with Alex Dryer all
wet, Rolls-Royce in debt,
Daniel Ellsberg in a sweat,
and Nick the Greek,
place your bet.
- And here's Dick Martin
with the present news.
- In a development that
startled the automotive world,
house wife Mary Ann
Neusbaum has invented
an engine that runs on chicken
soup rather than gasoline.
- [Dan] No kidding.
- Yes, indeed.
When asked if this
would end air pollution,
Miss Neusbaum, Misses
Neusbaum that is, replied,
"I don't know, but my car
hasn't had a cold in three years."
(audience laughter)
Misses Neusbaum.
- [Dan] Got married did she?
- She said that right out.
(audience laughter)
Red China canceled
plans to introduce
the first bill into the
United Nations today,
when asked their reasons,
a spokesman for Red
Chinese delegation said,
"We changed our minds when
a survey of the other delegates
"showed that most of the nations
"would have refused
to surrender anyway."
(audience laughter)
You owe him 10.
Palermo, Sicily.
- [Dan] Oh, I won!
- Oh, you won?
Palermo, Sicily, a
statue of Frank Sinatra
erected in his father's
birthplace was unveiled today.
However, at the opening day
ceremonies, they were marred.
- Were they?
- Yes.
- [Dan] What happened Dick?
- It's kind of a shame.
- What happened?
- They were marred,
what happened was
a photographer attempted
to snap a picture of the statue
and it promptly fell on him.
(audience laughter)
- [Dan] Yes.
- Now here's Dan
with the future news.
- Well done, sir.
- Thank you.
- News of the future,
100 years from now.
As predicted, the
Ice Age has returned
and the entire Earth
is covered with ice.
Consequences have been serious.
Today a Ms. Leona
Pampus slipped on a sidewalk
in downtown San Antonio
and slid all the way to Brazil.
(audience laughter)
I thought the serious
consequences
would be a little more serious.
News of the future, 20
years from now in Baltimore.
In the tradition of the
libraries honoring the
accmoplishments of John
Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson,
Harry Truman, the
governor of Maryland today
dedicated the Spiro T.
Agnew Memorial Bookmobile.
(audience laughter)
The aging Mr. Agnew
choked back a tear
as he took the wheel,
started the engine,
and drove over the governor.
(audience laughter)
- And now from a tree
house somewhere in Burbank,
here's Moosie Drier
with kid news for kids.
- Moosie here with
kid news for kids.
Should have been
at school today.
Tommy O'Riley
brought a frog to school
and we hid the frog
in the teacher's desk.
And when the teacher
opened the desk,
you never saw a
frog jump so high.
And you never saw a
teacher jump so high either.
(audience laughter)
Poor Tommy O'Riley.
He got sent down
to the principal
and the teacher got
sent down to the doctor
and the frog got
send down the drain.
Back to you Dick and Dan.
(audience laughter)
- Now take you back
to the Sherwood Forest
in the days of Robin
Hood and his merry men.
- [Richard] Well, I
don't know about you,
but this isn't my
idea of a good time.
- Halt, who comes
in Sherwood Forest?
I am Robin Hood and
pray, who are you?
- I'm sir Dwayne of Carlmen
and this is my servant Dave.
- Well, you have
probably read, sir,
that I rob from the rich
and I give to the poor.
- You can't do that,
that's my entire fortune.
- I can't eh?
Here my good man,
perhaps this will help you out.
- I'm rich, I'm rich, ha, ha!
- I'm poor, I'm poor
I'm poor, oh my gosh.
- Not so fast, eh?
- I can get
something out of this.
I'm poor, I'm really poor.
- Take your money.
- Now I'm rich, now I'm rich.
- [Servant] Now you're poor!
- Now I'm out of the
scene because I'm...
(audience laughter)
- Tonight our own Eric Clarified
will explain exactly what
is currently happening
to the stock market and
to the Dow Jones averages.
- Now, the stock market
is causing a great concern
because the Dow Jones
averages are below average.
Now, although a below
average, average lately,
average is much above
a below high average,
or below a high
above low average,
we'll still find that one, the
bulls are becoming bearish,
two, being unable
to bear bearish bulls,
the bears are being bullied
and the bullished bears
and three, Dow isn't
talking to Jones anymore,
unless of course it rained.
(audience laughter)
- Hi.
Busy Buzzi here
with sublime grime
and the tastiest of the
raciest in Tinseltown.
In the high budget remake
of the classic movie Camille,
stars Charlton Heston
and Joan Crawford
do a nude love scene.
It didn't start as a
nude love scene,
but half way through it,
the producer went bankrupt
and the costumes
were repossessed.
Busy Buzzi saying
ta-ta from Tinseltown
and kissy kissy.
(laughs)
Repossessed.
- Now to our man in New York.
- We're here in
New York to find out
how the average man feels
about the city and its problems.
- It's dirty, it's overcrowded,
it's not safe to walk on
the streets, New York has
got to be the world's worst city.
- Well, if you hate it so
much, why don't you leave?
- I can't, I'm the mayor.
- And that's the way it was
Arbor Day 1492 BC, 12:30 AM.
La, da, de, da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked,
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked,
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
(girls scream)
(applause)
- Oh, gracious, good afternoon,
this is your emergency
operator speaking,
how may I help you (snorts)?
You say what?
You have a fire?
A fire in your kitchen?
Well, madam, the number
for the fire department
is listed in your
telephone directory.
(audience laughter)
Oh, your telephone
directory is on fire too?
Well, this is serious.
Now, listen to me, take
some water and throw it on the
flames, there may still be
time to save the yellow pages.
Madam, calm
yourself, listen to me.
No, no, no, listen
to Earnestine.
Get out of the kitchen
and go to one of the other
phones in your home
and make the call.
You what?
You have no other
phones in your home?
Well then, I suggest that
you have several installed
in one of our decorator colors.
Now then, what color
is your living room?
Green, turning black.
(audience laughter)
Let's see now, that
should go with the drapes.
You say the drapes
are gone already?
Now then, very well,
I will make the call
to the fire department for you.
But now, listen to
me, in the meantime,
get all your valuables
out of the house.
No, no, not the mink, stupid.
I'm talking about your
princess telephone.
Hello, hello?
(audience laughter)
- Ms. Channing, you have
such a large, lovely smile.
- Thank you, dear.
I learned that from
Arlene Francis.
She taught me how much
starch to put in my lipstick.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, Dick, what do you dislike
most about being a big star?
- Having to answer stupid
questions about what I like most.
(audience laughter)
- How do you like being short?
(audience laughter)
- Permission to lie down
with the wine cork, sir?
- What do you
think of the scientific
achievement of sending
a TV camera to Mars?
- Oh, it reminds me
of my brother, Richard.
- Why?
- He throws his money away also.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy, do you
think there will
ever be a woman
in the White House?
- The night I win the election,
the place will be full of 'em.
(audience laughter)
- You know, being the only
normal person on this show
can drive you crazy
(rapid squeaking).
Whoa, whoa, (yells),
(imitates honking).
(Pop Goes the Weasel)
- Well, Carol, you
ready to go to the party?
- Hey, before we
do, there's something
I always wanted to
know about Carol.
- Yeah, what's that?
- How come you've
got such big eyes?
- Yeah.
- Well, I used to have
smaller ones, Dick.
But they kept falling
out of their socket.
(audience laughter)
- Carol, let's go to the party.
- You go ahead,
I'll pick up her eyes.
(upbeat dance music)
- In the Garden of Eden,
Adam wrote the first
sex book called Everything
I've Always Wanted
to Know About Sex,
But Who Do I Ask?
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you know that President
Nixon came that close
to naming a woman
to the Supreme Court?
He only missed by one sex.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I went to a wild party at
the stock exchange last night
and the highlight of the evening
was when they had a naked
girl jump out the window.
(upbeat dance music)
- I've been through siege
and search procedures
three times (laughs), next
time I'm going to call a cop.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I understand that
Ronald Reagan's
going to pay state
income tax this year.
Even if he has to
fake his return to do it.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- Wanda, how would you like to
spend the evening at my place?
- Oh Dick, you have
a one track mind.
- You're right.
All aboard!
(upbeat dance music)
- Our committee investigating
corruption in government
is back in session
ahead of schedule.
Our chairman got three
months off for good behavior.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- I recently conducted services
at a funeral for
a prize fighter.
Many of his fellow
boxers were there,
I was doing fine until
the steeple bell rang
and they all came out punching.
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, down at
the newspaper, Wanda,
I tried that four day work
week for a full month,
but it didn't work out.
- What happened?
- Well, I got canned.
I mean, we were
supposed to be working five.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
(laughs)
- Hold it down, hold it down.
- Hard as a rock.
Listen, with all the
trouble on earth today,
I'm glad there's one
place, the United Nations,
made up people from every
different country in the world,
all trying to bring peace.
- Well, that's true,
but some people say
the UN hasn't
been too successful.
- Well, of course, what do you
expect from a
bunch of foreigners?
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
- My tax accountant told me
to make some contributions
to a non-profit organization.
So I sent 200 dollars to
the Pennsylvania Railroad.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat dance music)
(applause)
- Dick, you certainly qualify
as an expert on talk shows,
you've been doing
one a long time.
Would you agree that
a good conversationalist
also has to be a good listener?
- I'm sorry, I wasn't
listening, what?
(audience laughter)
- There has been
much legal confusion
as to a precise definition of
what constitutes pornography.
To explain this, here
is our research expert.
- Well, uh, actually,
to, if you were to def,
to define porn, the thing
about porno, first of all,
you have, if it's in, if an X
rated, the thing if you take,
if you consider that
anything that arouses,
you know, really stim,
it turns, makes you uh,
want it really, turns,
lift things, you know,
anything that's lewd or
lust, turns, really makes,
you know, what, or
Lewis, a friend that he,
if you, he, like
a part of an act,
or whatever part
they, you never know
if they have got little,
wherever they turn the covers,
you don't know what's
gonna, you can't, the, if,
it's most impor,
the thing actually,
well, it's dirty, is what it
is, I mean, if it's any good.
(audience laughter)
(phone ringing)
- Burbank Police Department.
Yes, Officer Viver speaking.
You found a lost girl.
Will you give me a
description please?
Blue dress, what?
Pink ribbon, brown hair,
eyes blue, age about 21,
when are you bringing her in?
Good.
A week from when?
(audience laughter)
- Oh doctor, I wish
you'd put me out first.
- Alright, you've got it.
Out, out, out!
(audience laughter)
- Here's a late football
score from Germany,
East Berlin 9, West Berlin, ya.
- Nurse, I want to walk
in the sunshine again.
Feel the wind in my face, run
barefoot through open fields,
how can I do that?
- I suggest you join a religion
that believes in reincarnation.
(audience laughter)
- When they asked me if I
wanted to be on Laugh-In,
I said (babbles).
Whoa, I got the part.
(audience laughter)
- I want...
- How about coming up to
my room for three wild nights?
- Well, I'm sorry, I
don't think I can make it.
- Can you make it two?
- No.
- Well, what are you doing
for the next 10 minutes?
(audience laughter)
- Help, help!
Somebody throw me a line.
- [Man] How's this one?
Why does the
chicken cross the road?
- Oh, Hi, Henny!
(audience laughter)
- Pardon me, uh,
sir, miss, ma'am.
- Miss.
- What are you doing
here in the desert?
- Oh, I'm looking
for old fossils.
- You mean old
bones in the ground?
- Oh, no, no, my two
ex-husbands that deserted me.
(manic laughter)
(audience laughter)
- We're gonna have a
wonderful time tonight,
the bus'll be along
in just a minute.
- How cheap can you get,
taking me out for a date
on a bus instead of a cab?
- But taxi prices are so high.
- Now what do you think, huh?
Have you ever seen
anybody so cheap,
making me take a bus.
- Uh, yes...
- What do you mean,
so I'm cheap huh?
- Oh, I didn't mean
that you were cheap, sir.
- Well, what are you talking
about then, about my girl.
- I didn't even notice her, sir.
I was just standing
here to wait...
- What, you didn't
even notice me?
(audience laughter)
- Will you get your
greasy hands off my girl?
- Oh, I wouldn't
dream of touching
your girl, sir, I'm here...
- Oh, you think I got
bad taste in chicks?
(audience laughter)
- I never said that, sir...
- I see, you think
you're too good for me.
- Oh, no, I think you're
very attractive, I like your...
- Attractive, what are
you trying to steal my girl?
(loud thud)
Oh, you know you're right,
you meet a lot of
creeps at bus stops.
Come on, I'll call a cab.
(audience laughter)
(loud thuds)
- While you're at it, would
you call me an ambulance?
- OK, you're an ambulance.
(audience laughter)
- That didn't make
me laugh at all.
(audience laughter)
- Charlie, how come
you've got such a slim build?
- Well, uh, when I was a kid,
my parents couldn't
afford to buy me a crib,
so for the first seven years
of my life, I slept
in a lead pipe.
- Quiet on the set, The
Love Life of George Jessel,
cue the rest home
and the nursery.
(audience laughter)
- What's a nice gift to show
someone that you love them?
- Oh, well, how about
a nice pair of socks?
- Oh, OK.
I'll take 300 pairs of socks
if you can deliver them
to the boys of the
Battleship Ticonderoga.
(audience laughter)
(playful piano music)
(audience laughter)
- Mr. White, what do
you think qualifies you
for the high office
of Vice President?
- Well, I once debated
George Wallace and lived.
(audience laughter)
- Grab the canes.
- Get the hats.
- Set the props.
- Find your spot.
- Where's the band?
- In the bus.
- Ready, set.
- Hit it, Rus.
(audience laughter)
A team for tonight
The theme for tonight
It's Carol and it's Barbra
With a scheme for tonight
If everything's right, we
might be a perfect team
You know, like Jack
and Mary Mutt and Jeff
Or Tom and Jerry Moving tonight
We're groovin tonight
If all goes well the act
might be improvin' tonight
We're just out of sight
And quite like a lovely dream
We'll even move the masses
Just like Jackie and Onassis
We'll be like Rowan and Martin
That's Dicky and Dan
We'll I'll drink to that
We'll be like Taylor and Burton
A sort of sing and dance
in Lunt and Fontanne
We'll kill 'em tonight
We'll thrill 'em tonight
And hope we might achieve
the proper billing tonight
We're not going to fight
We're on the well known beat
We'll vamp for
Maharaja I'll be Eva
I'll be Zsa Zsa.
I will tell some tall
and some short jokes
To fill out the turn
Two, three, four
I will sing some old
and some new songs
While playing Rosencrantz
and Ma Guildenstern
We'll make it tonight
We'll take it tonight
And like the Dolly sisters
we will fake it tonight
We'll stand in the
light Stage right
On an amber
beam, it's fair time,
Sonny and Cher time
With careful study and planning
You'll all love
Sharma and Channing
Channing and Sharma
Sharma and Channing
And that's right
A team for tonight
- Hey, did you ever hear
the one about the guy
with a mustache, you
know? A team for tonight
For two And two for tea
Tis me and you and
you A team for tonight
Goodnight (applause)
- Calling all cars,
calling all cars
proceed at once to
corner of Fifth and Main.
(squealing brakes)
(loud crash)
I guess they all got there.
(audience laughter)
- How come I'm not
allowed any visitors?
- Look, Pal, this is a hospital.
We don't people
to look at anything
that might make them sick.
(audience laughter)
- And now, here's Bob and
Carol and Ted and Alice to sing
No Four People Have
Ever Been So In Love.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat playful music)
(audience laughter)
- Now, what seems
to be your trouble.
(audience laughter)
(angry mumbling)
What?
- Slappy, how do you intend to
campaign for the southern vote?
- By helicopter.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy do you agree that
the world is overpopulated?
- You know, I hadn't
ever agreed with that
until the other day
when I came home early
and found a man in my closet.
(audience laughter)
- Slappy, do you
think that children
should be allowed
to pray in the schools?
- I think they should pray where
it's needed most, on the bus.
(audience laughter)
- Permission to make an
obscene phone call sir, to me self.
(audience laughter)
- How do you rate
yourself as far...
- Hm?
- I said how do
you rate yourself
as far as talk show hosts go?
- Well, that's embarrassing,
but I would say
that without a doubt,
I'm head and shoulders
under the rest of them.
(audience laughter)
I'll catch you up to size.
- Shane?
Shane?
Come back Shane!
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for my bird.
(bird squawking)
- I should have
guessed, your bird?
- Yes, I have a hunting bird.
- Oh, then you're a falconer?
- You're not so hot yourself.
- Oh, come on.
A person who trains
falcons to hunt is a falconer.
- Hm, then that would
make the falcon the falconee.
- The falconee, you got it.
- Shane, Shane, come back Shane!
- Wait, wait a minute, listen.
Judging from the
condition of your clothes,
you're not really a
terribly expert at this.
- Are you kidding, he was
terrible when I first got him.
He kept landing on
my new leather glove.
(audience laughter)
- Now you got him
all over you, huh?
- Right.
- How did you break him
of landing on your glove?
- Simple, every
time he landed there,
I made him eat something.
- Doesn't he like to eat?
- Not his own foot.
(audience laughter)
That'll teach him,
I'll guarantee ya.
- Yeah, tell me about Shane.
What is hunting?
Birds, mice...
- No, that's much too easy.
- Too easy?
- He hunts moose.
(audience laughter)
- Moose?
- Moose.
- How does he catch a moose?
- Well, first of all, he
spots the moose, you see.
- Spots the moose.
- Spots the moose and then
he gets the sun at his back.
- Right out of
the sun he goes...
- Right, so nobody
can see him, right?
Then he swoops down
and with talons extended...
- Yeah.
- He grabs them by the antlers.
- And that's when
he gets the moose?
- No, that's when
he gets a hernia.
(audience laughter)
Those moose are heavy, you know.
- That's a terrible thing,
to get a moose hernia.
Hey, I'm glad to
have heard all that.
Very interesting.
- Thank you.
It's not bad though, it
kept him out of the army.
- The hernia?
- The hernia.
Is that late?
- Yeah, it was
just a shade or so.
- Shane?
- We're gonna get your bird...
- Shane?
(laughter drowns
out other sounds)
- How about something
in the first row?
- OK, but you'll have to
wait till the show's over.
(audience laughter)
- Well, hello friends.
This is Chaplin Bud Homily.
Just remember that
money is the root of all evil.
Oh dear.
(audience laughter)
- What do you see
in your crystal ball?
- Oh, oh, I see that very soon
a mysterious woman
will come into your life.
She will give you bad advice
and take money from you.
Oh!
Whoa!
(laughing)
Hey, hey, this thing's
starting to work.
(audience laughter)
(dramatic piano music)
(audience laughter)
- I'm glad the topless
craze is ending.
- Yeah, for a while
there on Broadway,
you couldn't get their
part without showing yours.
(audience laughter)
- Listen, Mr. Crenna,
do you ever watch yourself up
on the screen
when you're acting?
- No, no, I think it
makes one too egotistical.
- Well, not in your
case it wouldn't (laughs).
(audience laughter)
- Oh Juliet, descend
thy balcony, avant, avant!
- What do you vant?
- I vant you to
descend the balcony.
(audience laughter)
- Juliet calls to me
as a flower to a bee,
to be or not to be,
that is the question.
- But Juliet is mine.
- Vassal, by the boards
of yon castle doors,
we'll settle this parcel
of puzzles with swords.
I'll have at thee.
- I'll have at thee.
- Ah ha!
- Who's going to have at me?
(audience laughter)
- I had a terrific career
going in the theater
but one night the vice squad
caught me in the balcony.
(audience laughter)
- I didn't fly and
come all this way
for the last minute, Harry,
we'll never get tickets now,
this is the hottest
show in town.
- Just relax, they always
have a few available seats.
- Can I help you, sir?
- Two tickets please.
- You mind not sitting together?
- That'll be alright.
- Good.
I've got one for April the 6th
and one for November 24th.
(audience laughter)
Tell me, from the
way she's dressed,
is there a carnival in town?
(audience laughter)
- You know what I
really want to do?
- No.
- Go into motion pictures...
- Really?
- And become a
suave, sophisticated
Clark Gable type of leading man.
- Uh huh.
- Now, what do you think I
should change my name to?
- The Masked Lover.
(audience laughter)
- There's a new musical
coming out on Broadway
about a nun who takes care
of a family in New York City.
It's called The
Sound of Mugging.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, well, if you
think that's something,
morals have changed
so much recently,
that they're going to
do an up to date version
of an old classic
and they're going to
change the name
to Yes, Yes, Nanette.
(audience laughter)
- Naughty, naughty.
(audience laughter)
- Our Ms. Brooks found a new
way of teaching sex education.
Tonight she's my Ms. Brooks.
(audience laughter)
- Do you have a campaign slogan?
- Yes.
My slogan is in your
heart, you know he's white.
(audience laughter)
- Got him!
- Hey, that bird
looks like he's dead.
- Thank you.
- What do you mean thank you?
- It's a trick I taught him.
- Oh, how do you teach
a falcon to play dead?
- Simple, every time he does
something wrong,
I clean his beak.
- He doesn't like you
to clean his beak?
- Not with a blow
torch he doesn't.
(audience laughter)
- Hi folks, Crazy Clara,
The Used Car Cutie here
and I'm practically
giving everything away.
Crazy Clara claims that
every used item on this lot
has been used very carefully.
(audience laughter)
And I can guarantee
that personally.
(audience laughter)
My mechanics have
spent weeks stripping
every item on this
lot and I tell you,
those were some of the
best weeks I've ever had.
Every car here is
in perfect condition
and those mechanics
are in great shape too.
(audience laughter)
- I hate it when people
say that I'm weird.
The next time somebody
calls me, (groans),
the next time somebody
calls me (groans),
(hums) crazy I'm gonna
give them one of these.
(babbles)
(audience laughter)
- Well, that's all for
today Ms. Golden.
Remember not to
eat too many sweets.
- Yes, doctor.
- Oh wait, here's your lollipop.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, you're home.
Oh, I've been worried.
Why don't you get
out of this business?
- Oh no, no, no, I enjoy
working with people.
(audience laughter)
- Hello, maintenance department?
The light's out in my office,
would you send somebody up here
to dig a hole in my desk.
(audience laughter)
- Nurse, thank
you for shaving me.
- That's alright, I get a
kickback from the undertaker.
(audience laughter)
- But Ms. Brooks, Ms.
Brooks, a fire broke out
in the girl's locker room while
they were changing clothes.
I offered to help put it out,
but they said I wasn't even
supposed to be in here.
- Dick, what does it take
to be a late night
talk show host?
- An uncanny ability to
tell people where to sit.
(audience laughter)
(triumphant music)
- Tonight's Whoopie
Award goes to the
United States Bureau of
Mines Energy Research Center.
- And what did they do?
Shorten their name?
- No, they've done
something that
men have been
dreaming about for years.
- Ha, ha, they got a
date with Raquel Welch.
- Bigger than that.
- Sophia Loren?
- No, no.
- It doesn't get much
bigger than that.
- I'm talking about
recycling of waste.
- Oh.
- The Research center
has perfected a method
of turning any kind of
organic waste into oil.
- That's quite an
accomplishment.
How do they do that?
- Well, it's very simple really,
they put the garbage
into a pressure cooker,
they add carbon monoxide
gas, cook it for 20 minutes.
- Well, that sounds like
dinner at Phyllis Diller's house.
(audience laughter)
- Well, that may be.
But what they end up with is
half crude oil and half water.
- Funny, that's what
she started with.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
Well, in any event,
US Bureau of Mines
Energy Research Center,
for making this major
breakthrough in our fight
for ecology, we salute you.
Salute, salute.
- And try, excuse me.
Try adding a
little salt next time.
- Yes.
- Whoopie!
(audience laughter)
(dramatic organ music)
- Oh mother dear,
our thoughts of you
are with us day and night.
Wherever we are, whatever we do,
the thought of you stays bright.
Though others may
have worldly things,
(sobs) and with
riches may be blessed,
our riches are
the love that brings
thoughts of our mother
the, the whole world's best.
(sobbing)
(audience laughter)
Oh, I like the
part about with the
riches may be blessed,
et cetera, et cetera.
(audience laughter)
- I stand behind every
one of them friends,
whether it's a four door
sedan without a scratch,
or a three door sedan that's
been in a slight accident.
(audience laughter)
Now, over there, I
have a slightly used car
that was driven on Sunday
by a little old lady only once.
(audience laughter)
Through a saloon.
Now, this vehicle
is slightly damaged.
Over here, but
it's still a good one.
A good buy for anyone
willing to drive a car
with jukebox in the front grill.
- Listen, you know
this, in my leisure time,
my hobby used to
be model making.
- Really, why did you quit?
- My wife caught
me with the model.
(audience laughter)
- Tell me Charlie,
you like to cook.
Now, what's the best
way to make a lamb chop?
- Give him a hatchet and
show him where the tree is.
(audience laughter)
Whoa.
- I really like this one.
- I do, I love the suit.
- Oh, it matches her, maybe.
- Harry, try it on,
try it on honey.
- OK, I'll try it.
- Oh, I'm sorry folks.
The dressing room is occupied.
The gentlemen will be...
- The dressing...
- Out in just a moment.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Well this is an outrage.
- What's the matter?
- Well, it's way too long.
- What do you mean
it's way too long?
- The pattern, it clashes
with your skin color.
- Alright, well, let me see
something in a bow tie.
(audience laughter)
- You know, Doris, you've got
everything a man could want.
- Like what?
- Like the bottle.
(audience laughter)
- I don't mean to be a prude,
it's just that I'm
so very good at it.
(audience laughter)
- Now a lot of you
men may wonder
about buying a car from a woman.
When it comes to cars,
you fellows may wonder
whether a woman knows
the backseat from the front.
Well, I've tried them both
and as a woman in cars,
I won't take a front
seat to anyone.
(audience laughter)
So drop by Crazy Clara's guys
and find out what a
backseat driver really can be.
(audience laughter)
I'll be right here,
Crazy Clara's Car Lot
has stood here like
the Rock of Gibraltar
for over 40 years
and I guarantee
we'll stand here
another 40 years.
(audience laughter)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Yeah, how'd you
like to hear a riddle?
- Definitely not.
- Well, now that you've
begged me, I'll go on with it.
- Yeah, I suppose.
- What do Truman Capote and
Gale Storm have in common?
- Truman Capote and
Gale, I haven't any idea.
- Neither one,
neither one of them.
- Neither one.
- Neither.
Has ever danced with
Broderick Crawford.
(audience laughter)
- Will you say goodnight, Dick?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
(upbeat, bright music)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughter)
- Goodnight, Dick (snorts).
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- No, he's out there with Dan.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick (sobs).
- Night, Dick.
- Goodnight.
Dick.
(audience laughter)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- (Giggles) Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight (babbles), goodnight
(babbles), goodnight, Dick.
(audience laughter)
- Do you know what you
should never ask Phyllis Diller?
Do you know any
good hairdresser?
(audience laughter)
- Barbra, what would you
never ask Howard Hughes?
- Well, can I just get
one more picture of you
with your arm around
Amelia Earhart?
(audience laughter)
- Ruth, what do you
never ask Richard Nixon?
- Could you make
that a little clearer?
- Lily, what would you
never ask Mohammad Ali?
- How would you like
a punch in the nose?
- Dicky, Dicky, do.
- Yep?
- What do you never
ask Mickey Rooney?
- You never ask Mickey
would you reach up
and get me that book
from the top shelf please?
(laughter drowns
out other noise)
away when you're
having fun, Dan.
- What would you
never ask Mayor Yorty?
- How are things in Los Angeles?
(audience laughter)
- Barbra, do you have
a question for me?
- Yes, I do.
- OK.
- What should you never
ask nationalist China?
- If they'd like to have a seat.
- [Dan] Hey, that's pretty good.
- Alan, my inspiration,
what should
you never ask Totie
Fields's husband?
- How's the little woman?
(audience laughter)
- Say, Dick, what should
you never ask Sprio Agnew?
- If you can play through.
- Dan, what should you
never ask Sophia Loren?
- Hey, can I ride on the front
of the motorcycle awhile?
- Do you know what you
should never ask Ralph Nader?
How's things?
(audience laughter)
- Ladies and
gentlemen, it's at this time
that I come on to tell you
that this program
is pre-recorded.
And furthermore, I want
to go on record as saying
I'm sick and
tired of saying this
program is
pre-recorded, that's what.
This tirade is pre-recorded.
- While, I do think that
the music which ends
the entire Laugh-In
program is in good taste,
I do feel it's unfortunate
that it has to be
preceded by the entire
Laugh-In program.
(audience laughter)
(Pop Goes the Weasel)
(dramatic piano music)
(audience laughter)
(upbeat, playful music)
(audience laughter)
(applause)