Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 6 - Episode #4.6 - full transcript
(flute music)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- [Host] Ladies and gentlemen,
the Supremes.
- Hmmmmm.
(audience laughing)
- Caesar!
- Caesar!
- No, no, you mean seize him.
Do not be fooled by this robe.
- Well, in that
case, wanna dance?
- Yes, honey!
(audience laughing)
- What do I hear
for this couple?
- Oh!
- Oh, gung-ho!
- I'm afraid you're
mistaken, ma'am.
I'm Don Ho.
- Oh, I know, I know.
I'm gung-ho.
(audience laughing)
- People in Great
Britain consider
every episode of
Laugh-In unforgettable,
but then they feel the same way
about World War II.
- Well, that's the last
time I eat Mexican food.
- Okay, pull.
(audience laughing)
- There you are.
(cheerful music)
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Nervous
Broadcasting Company,
reluctantly offers Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan,
the Swedish Angel, Dick Martin
with special guest
star, actor, comedian,
and nice guy, Zero Mostel
and Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin,
plus extra goodies,
Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips,
the flashing feet
of Barbara Sharma,
and me, I'm Gary Owens,
telling you to stay
tuned for the moment
when Mervin the
Magnificent does his trick.
We'll be right back after
this fake commercial.
- Not 'like', 'as' a cigarette.
- What would you rather have,
good grammar or good taste?
- How about good lungs?
(hacking cough)
- Cigars are like women.
The best ones are fat and round.
Mmm.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- You know, Alan, I have
nothing against long hairs.
- Of course not, ya
got 12 of 'em yourself.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I'm seriously considering
leaving the force
and going on welfare.
I could use the extra money.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My agent has only
been able to get me
a small part in a nudie.
He says if I want
to get bigger parts,
I have to get bigger parts.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I've just written
a book called
What I've Always Known About Sex
But Been Too Busy to Answer.
(rimshot)
(drum roll)
- And now, America,
two reasons why my
president never stays
home on Monday night:
Rowan and (tapping
and musical flourish)
Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen, we...
(tapping in background)
Yes sir.
- You know, Dan,
I'm not a mean man.
- That's true.
- But someday, I'm gonna
tie her laces together.
- I think someone already...
- They must've, yeah.
- Moving right
along, dyke, er, Dick.
It's nice to see you're
reading something.
You're supposed to
be reading something.
Well, what's this
book you're reading?
- It is called a book.
- That's the title of the book?
- An book, no,
it's not the title.
It's what it is, it's a book.
- I know it's a book,
but what's it about?
- Well, it's all
about personal traits
and how they
reveal your character.
For instance, what did
you have for breakfast
this morning?
- I had scrambled
eggs and bacon.
- Uh-Oh.
- What's the matter?
What do you mean uh-oh?
- Book says right here,
people who eat
scrambled eggs are devious
and not to be trusted.
- Oh come on, I don't
believe any of that.
- I know, it's obvious
from your shoes.
- My shoes?
- Sure, sure.
- What do my shoes
have to do with it?
- Well then, how do you
explain the mustache?
Explain it.
- I didn't explain
it, I grew it!
- Sure, but you
notice you grew it
right under your nose.
Look here.
- Boy, you're perceptive.
Where else am I
gonna grow a mustache
except under my nose?
- Don't ask me, you're
the one who's insecure.
- Who's insecure?
- You have to
blink like that, huh?
Demonstrate your
hatred for foreigners.
- I don't hate foreigners.
I never, I've always liked you.
- You just go
ahead and let all that
latent hostility come right out.
- What latent hostility?
- It's so typical of
you pipe smokers,
you and your sexual repressions.
- Hold it, hold it.
- Right there, right there.
- I do not have any
sexual repressions.
- I guess not, not with those
stubby thumbs. (laughs)
That proves everything,
you'll stop at nothing,
you animal!
- Alright, hold it now.
You don't know anything.
I happen to know
about psychology.
- You do?
- I know psychology.
- You're kidding.
- For instance,
you haven't really
read that book, have you?
- How do you know that?
- You're making it all up.
- Why?
- Right?
- [Dan] Well, just take
one look at that silly tie.
It explains it all.
- It is?
- Well, no, it does.
- It does?
- [Dan] And look
at those low elbows.
- What low elbows?
- Dead giveaway, low elbows.
Oh yeah, and close-set ears.
You're easily
embarrassed, aren't you?
- No.
- Look at that chin.
Oh, sure, you
can tell right away.
Classic, classic.
How 'bout the shifty eyes?
Kinda beady, huh?
Look at the little hook
in your nose. (laughs)
What's the matter?
Can't take any of your
own medicine, huh?
Dick? Dick?
Ah well, let's
leave him that way
and go to the quickies.
He's kinda silly anyway.
Looks better that way.
- I heard that!
You people with wavy hair
have absolutely no loyalty.
(musical flourish)
- That was unnecessary,
lousy, rowdy, and rude.
Just for that I'm not
gonna go in the Joke Wall.
(fast-paced, silly music)
- Half a peace sign
is better than nothing.
- Nurse, there's something
wrong with my throat.
I think I have laryngitis.
- Well then shut up!
That'll be $10.
(musical flourish)
(knocking on door)
- Yes?
- Hello, I'm collecting
for the old people's home.
- Good.
- Yes.
- Get your old people.
- Thank you.
(silly music)
- Mr. Hankel, look.
The White House
has been wondering
what's come over you lately?
You used to be adamant on
the side of the administration,
but lately you seem to be taking
a somewhat different view.
- Well, what's come over me
is a simple, little blue
pill called Oppose.
O-P-P-O-S-E.
- Well, isn't that
interesting, Wally.
From now on you're
fired, F-I-R-R-E-D.
- AM and FM.
- I predict that on June 1st,
(traditional Middle
Eastern music)
the world will come to an end.
I further predict
that on June 2nd,
that prediction will
be proven false.
- That's ridiculous.
- One out of two ain't bad.
(upbeat, funky music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Well, Miss
Figgencrantz, I must say
your typing has
certainly improved.
There are only six errors here.
- Why, thank you.
- Now, let's look
at the second line.
(funky, upbeat music)
- I just read the list of
the 10 worst-dressed
men of the year.
- Oh, who were they?
- Me.
- Oh, wow, that's heavy.
(funky, upbeat music)
- There you are,
my little bumblebee.
(dishes clattering)
(funky, upbeat music)
(lid squeaking open)
(funky, upbeat music)
- Th-Th-Th-Th that's all, folks.
- How'd you like
the quickies tonight?
- Personally I think
some of 'em are too quick.
- Oh really?
Which ones do you
think were too quick?
- Well, for example, the
one about Raquel Welch
and the bowling ball.
- I don't remember that.
- See, too quick!
- Oh, it was.
(slide whistle blowing)
- Civics class will
now come to order.
As you know, Mr. Frank
Sinatra has announced
that he is backing
Governor Reagan,
though still
remaining a Democrat.
Now I am sure he did not do this
just to have the least
of both possible worlds.
Our next subject is biology.
Now let's see, where's my frog?
(drum roll)
(musical flourish)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Are you ready for this?
Dad went to Denmark
for the sex fair.
At his age, fair is about
as good as he can hope for.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Mr. Mostel, I
bet it isn't easy
going through life
with a name like Zero.
- Well, Barbara, a
wise man once said
"What's in a name?"
I think it was
Engelbert Humperdinck.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My church is keeping
up with the times.
We've replaced the
organist with a rock group,
evening meditation
with a sensitivity session,
and the Sunday collection
is now on Diner's Club.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My daddy is so pleased about
the way the
administration is handling
integration in the South.
- Oh, really?
There's a lot of people saying
there's not very
much being done.
- That's why Daddy's so pleased.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the amazing Paul Tony.
- Thank you, I have
for you a simple trick,
so I will need a
simple mind. (laughs)
You'll do-a fine.
Now, if you please-a
write a number down
on this-a piece of paper
between one and a-100.
(laughs)
Now, you got it?
Now I will write
down my prediction
on this particular
piece of paper, alright?
(laughs)
Now, will you kindly
tell the audience
the number you thought of?
- 38.
- And now will you read
what is on this piece of paper?
- He's absolutely right.
- Thank you, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- It says 38 on that card?
- No, it says, "He's
absolutely right."
- If you think that was good,
you should see Mervin.
Now, his trick is magnificent.
(slow, whimsical music)
(thunder rumbling)
(thunder rumbling)
- Mervin, that's magnificent.
(speeded-up dance music)
- Okay, come on.
(door crashing open)
(whistle blowing)
(marching band music)
- I'm Suzie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
And if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
Rah.
Daddy says we
live in a typically fine
American neighborhood.
No blacks, no
poor, no prejudice.
Rah.
(whistling) (player piano music)
- Did you know that
according to the government,
if you drink five ounces
of whiskey an hour,
you're intoxicated?
- Well, we're safe.
We can drink that
much in a half an hour.
(both laughing)
(glass shattering)
You know, you have
an amazing effect on me.
- I'll drink to that.
- Well, okay, you drink to that.
- You big lug.
(cheerful marching band music)
(electronic screeching)
- I'm so happy
dresses are long again.
Now I can go back to
wearin' sweat socks.
(shoes tapping on floor)
- Now I've seen
almost 50 actors today.
Not a one of 'em's the
Hamlet I'm looking for.
- Well, look, there's
only one more left.
- Alright, next.
- I would like to audition
for the part Hamlet.
- Impossible, you'd never do.
- Listen, Mr. Big Shot Director,
don't be such a wise goy.
Give a listen.
After all, it's no
skin off your nose
you should hear something.
- But Hamlet requires
great diction and voice.
- Oh, ha, cookie.
Give a listen, you'll
hear something.
- Alright, go on.
- To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
and by opposing, end them.
- Fantastic.
- Bravo, bravo!
- You'll be my Hamlet.
Such style, such presence!
Such acting.
- What are you
talking about, acting?
That was the real me.
When I talk like
this, dat's acting.
(funky, upbeat music)
- Oh fairy godmother,
I lost my glass slipper
at the ball last night.
- Oh don't worry
about it, my child.
Perhaps a handsome
prince will find it
and return it.
Boring!
- Who is it?
- It is I, a handsome prince.
- Come here, little fellow.
- Did you lose a glass
slipper at the ball?
- Why yes, I did.
- Here it is.
(glass shattering)
- What'd I tell you, Cindy?
Put a little Elmer's glue on it
and you'll be out in
20 minutes. (laughs)
- Unge biebable.
Ungiliebable.
That's as hard as
saying Messershushitz.
- Whatever happened
to the chicken joke?
Boring!
(folksy Russian music)
When we're in the
meadow Toiling, toiling
And the Russian
sun is Boiling, boiling
We are weak and weary
Suddenly we're cheery
When we hear a
simple little La-ti-di-da-da
La-ti-di-da-di-Da La-di-da-di-da
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In is looking
At the new-new-new-new-new-new
new-new-new-new-new-new
new-new-new-new-new-new
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In is looking
At the news
Here's Dan, here's
Dick, the news
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer] It's
the Laugh-In News
with Boog Powell on first,
Brooks Robinson on third,
George McGovern in left,
Ronald Reagan in right,
and Dan and Dick in the middle.
- Good evening,
this is Dan Rowan
in Sarasota, Florida.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Battle Creek, Michigan.
- A future news item,
10 years from now,
Birmingham, Alabama.
Governor Wallace announced today
that he will not fight
the laws on integration.
He did, however,
indicate his intention
to fight anyone attempting
to enforce those laws.
(audience laughing)
- Aristotle Onassis
today withdrew his offer
to purchase the bankrupt
Penn Central railroad
when he discovered that
his basement playroom
is 16 inches too short.
(audience laughing)
- He must be
pretty disappointed.
In the wake of the
Masters and Johnson study
on sexual responsiveness,
a parallel study has
just been concluded
at the Burbank Sexual
Research Center.
Come in, Burbank.
- Margaret McCaffrey
here at the Burbank
Sexual Research Center
where we are awaiting
the momentary appearance
of Dr. Fields and Dr. Bugleman
for a report of their study.
Oh, here's Dr. Fields now.
Doctor, could you
explain your project?
- Oh, certainly.
Dr. Bugleman and I have
just completed five years,
and they were five
wonderful years
observing the sexual
behavior of adults in Burbank.
- Oh, how pleasant. (laughs)
Now could you give us
the results of your study?
- I'd be happy to.
Excuse me,
Dr. Bugleman has them.
Just a moment.
Dr. Bugleman, may we
have the notes you kept?
- Notes, notes I kept?
Oh, oh, I thought
you kept the notes.
- Oh, well, another five
years can't hurt anything.
- Alright people,
let's take it from top.
- Let's get moving, Doctor.
- Back to you, Dan.
- New York City.
Today, police
investigating a bomb threat
to a Harlem tenement
house arrived to find
an entire side of
the building gone
and half the roof caved in.
Fortunately for the
building's occupants,
the bomb never went off.
- Time now for
Laugh-In's news of the past
as we go tripping back
to 1620 in Plymouth Rock.
- Boy, this
shoreline is terrible!
It's so rocky.
And look how
thick the trees are.
And frankly, I'm cold.
The weather is awful.
- What this is America,
love it or leave it.
- A spokesman for
the Census Bureau
was at a lost to
explain the case
of a Mr. Ronnie Cowan
of Muncie, Indiana,
who filed his income tax return
and his census form
on the same day.
And within a week, received
a refund of 600 people.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
- AM and EN.
(slow, hokey dance music)
- Another crack
like that, fella,
and you'll never dance again.
I repeat. (laughs)
- Oh, what are you doing here?
- Well, as soon as I found
out you were employed
as (mumbles) acts
in this den of pleasure,
I bought out the house.
- Please go away
and don't annoy me.
- Miss I cannot
heed, oh, oh, oh,
the erotic sensuality
of your beautifiscent
torso has brought my
blood to a feverish boil.
Perhaps you'll remove
just one outer garment
to further fan the
flames of my passion.
Perhaps you maybe might remove
one of your dainty little shoes
that I might hold it
in my trembling hand.
Perhaps you'll remove my remains
before I'm charged
for a second show.
(audience applauding)
(musical flourish)
(blowing whistle)
- Time out!
Or is that time in?
- Well, time for the
old Fickle Finger.
- Right.
Tonight's a very special award
for a very special
person, Martha Mitchell,
and we'll tell you more about it
after this commercial message.
- But I...
- Now as I was saying before
we were so rudely interrupted,
tonight a special award
for a special person,
Martha Mitchell.
- Say, didn't she write
Gone With the Wind?
- No, that was
Margaret Mitchell.
- Oh.
- This is the wife of Attorney
General John Mitchell
and she's much better known
for what she says
than for what she writes.
- Oh, that Martha Mitchell.
- Right.
- Well, what'd she do?
- I'll tell you in a moment,
but let's take a few
seconds for a station break
to give John time to
call Martha to the set.
- Yeah, but... (upbeat,
funky dance music)
Now, Dan?
- Now, Dick.
According to articles
in the New York Times
and the Los Angeles Times,
Mrs. Mitchell recently called
United Press International
to blast the nation's educators.
She said that they
were responsible
for "all of our troubles
in this country."
- Hey, she oughta tell
that to President Nixon.
- Why's that?
- Well, he's been under
the false impression
that pollution, poverty,
and North Vietnam
have been, you know,
they've had something to do
with our problems.
- Oh, no, Mrs. Mitchell
was further quoted
as calling the academic society
"a bunch of sidewalk diplomats
"that don't know the score."
And she said, "They are at fault
"for a whole
generation of children."
- Well, maybe they
don't know the score,
but if they're responsible
for a whole generation
of children,
some of 'em must
have known something.
- Yes, Mrs. Mitchell goes on...
- She certainly does.
- [Dan] Yes, speaking
of professors, she says,
"They don't know
what's going on.
"They don't have
any right to talk."
- Well, now that
sounds like she figures
when it comes to free speech,
there's only enough
to go around for her.
- Maybe so.
- Say, isn't it unusual
for an attorney general
to let his wife talk like that?
- Oh, well, he
didn't know about it.
She made the call to
UPI from some place
where he couldn't
hear her, you see.
- Very clever.
Where?
- Well, she made
the call from, well.
- She made those
remarks from the bathroom?
- Yes.
- Well, somehow that
makes a lot of sense.
- Never mind that now.
It's time for the award.
- Here you are, Mrs. Mitchell,
in return for all
those lovely thoughts,
the Golden Goodie
is winging its way
to your private phone booth.
- And just remember,
it is not only an award,
because the
functional Fickle Finger
can also be used for dialing.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Ya know, a lot of folks I know
are complaining
about having to live
in cheap, run-down
ghetto housing.
So the slumlords obliged them
by raising their rent.
Now, they live in expensive,
run-down ghetto housing.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I hate fan magazines,
mainly because
they have a better
circulation than I do.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Dick, do you think
you could ever be faithful
to one woman?
- Hmm, one woman?
I've been faithful to as
many as 10 at one time.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Now, let's see.
The knee bone
connected to the arm bone,
the arm bone connected
to the head bone,
the head bone...
Oh, I don't know, it all
went right in rehearsal.
(speeded-up, silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Mmm.
(rim shot)
- I was wondering if you would
name for me the
Hawaiian islands.
- Let's see, there's
Hawaii, Kauai, Molokai,
Oahu, Lanai,
Kahoolawee, Rabbit Island.
- Oh, wonderful.
Listen, when you
learn to speak English,
come back and maybe
we'll have a conversation.
(audience laughing)
(alarm clock ringing)
(slow, whimsical music)
- [Female] Harry,
how much longer
are you going to put off
fixing that bathroom switch?
You really ought to
pay that orthodontist bill.
I can't put him off much longer.
You know, Harry,
with prices going up
I'm going to need more
money for groceries.
You're going to
have to ask for raise.
We just can't live
on what you make.
I mean it, Harry, I'm getting
those migraines again,
and if you don't
(slow, whimsical music)
do something to help me
with the kids and the house.
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(car engine turning over)
- [Radio] And so
college protests continue
in the light of the
Vietnamese conflict.
Meanwhile in Washington,
the bill for increased
consumer protection
was defeated on
Capitol Hill today.
Now, turning to
the weather picture,
the pollution district
expects another smog alert
to be called.
(car screeching to halt)
(car door opening and shutting)
(slow, whimsical music)
(typewriters clicking)
- [Male] Nelson, I've been
going over your reports
on the Casmar affair.
They're not bad, Nelson,
but we've decided to take
a completely different
approach to the matter.
You might say a thrust
with a new point of view.
Oh, incidentally,
Nelson, you're fired.
(paper ripping)
(slow, whimsical music)
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(car engine turning over)
(horn honking)
- [Motorist] Hey,
why don't ya watch
where you're
goin' ya big stupid.
Are you blind?
What's the matter with
you guys drivin' that car,
ya big fat guys always
in the middle of the road
drive me outta my mind.
(car honking) (brakes squealing)
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(slow, whimsical music)
(Western show playing on TV)
- [Girl] I don't wanna
watch the cowboys!
I wanna watch Bozo the Clown!
- [Boy] Well, we're
watchin' the cowboys,
stupid face, so just lump it.
- [Girl] Mommy,
Debbie hit me! (sobbing)
- [Wife] Harry, would you
do something about the kids?
I'm busy in here.
Can't you do anything?
All you do is sit
there, just sit, sit, sit.
You really don't do
anything on your own.
I'm just absolutely fed up.
I mean it Harry!
I hate to have to tell you
(slow, whimsical music)
what to do every moment.
Now please come in
there and just tell them
to stop it.
'Cause if you don't stop it,
I will lose my voice.
Can't you...
Do is sit there.
(slow, whimsical music)
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- [Male] That's life.
(speeded-up, comical music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's Laugh-In
takes a concerned
look at organized crime.
- And it's our sincere hope
that they don't look back.
- Now is there anything
you'd like to add
before we begin this
organized crime looked at.
- Just that we sincerely
hope they don't look back.
- I believe you just said that.
- I'd rather be safe than sorry.
- Nevertheless,
let's take a look
at these naughty mobsters.
- Certainly hope
they don't look back.
Once we did the Charleston
and the Bunny Hug
Then we did the
Twist and Bugaloo
Every year a brand-new
dance comes on the scene
May we teach another one to you
We'd like to introduce
the Naughty Mobster
You'll love the person
it's the latest dance
So who would waste his
time organizing vice and crime
When the Naughty
Mobster leads us to romance
Dance the Naughty Mobster
You'll be helpless to resist
Do the Naughty Mobster
And be careful
when you're kissed
You could be missed
The orchestra will
play a slow bolero
And everyone will
gather in a mob
In a group
So who would want to
play with the syndicate today
When the Naughty
Mobster dance will do the job
It isn't like the tango
It isn't like a waltz or galvant
It isn't hard to learn it
Actually you learn it in a shot
Dance the Naughty Mobster
With its torrid Irish beat
Do the Naughty Mobster
With cement around your feet
That might be sweet
Let's now perform a
charming Funky Chicken
You recognize the
movement at a glance
A little hop and skip
then a really daring dip
A secluded auto trip
A revolver on the hip
And the Naughty Mobster
leads us to romance
Romance the Naughty
Mobster's quite a daring dance
(audience applauding)
- You know I,
I never watch the
FBI show on television.
- Why not?
- I can't stand unhappy endings.
- The greatest part
about being in a syndicate
was the food.
I got them to make Afro-American
spaghetti and
chitlings cacciatore,
mulligan stew and
black-eyed peas
with matzo balls, and
frijoles on the side.
That's every kind of soul food.
Hmm.
- Uh, excuse me, sir.
I'm from the Burbank Bugle
and I'd like to ask
you a few questions.
Now, is it true that
important prisoners
get preferential treatment?
- Nah, I'm treated
just like anybody else.
Ask my cellmate.
- Where's your cellmate?
- She's out having
her hair done.
- When will she be back?
- 5:30, we're goin'
to the warden's house
for cocktails.
- Ready, Louie?
- Yeah.
- All set, Jake?
- Yep.
- Okay, all together.
Up the lazy river
By the old mill
(water splashing)
Give my best to Charlie Tuna
- You know something, Mama?
I ain't gettin' any younger.
I think it's time
to talk to the kid
about taking over the business
and becoming the new godfather.
Killer, go get Little Rocky.
It's time I had a
man-to-man talk
with Little Rocky, Mama.
(traditional ballet music)
- You want me, Papa?
- Not really.
I had hoped for a son.
Look at you, a grown
man dancing around
in a miniskirt.
- Papa, this is a tutu.
Don't you remember
when Mama gave it to me
on my Sweet 16 party?
- Mama, this is all your fault!
Now you listen to
me, Little Rocky.
I built this business
up from nothing.
When I came to this country,
all I had was stolen
clothes on my back.
With my bare hands,
I stole dirt and bricks
and built a building
with stolen windows.
And you see this stole
your Mama's wearing?
I stole that stole!
- You see this stolen stole?
This stolen stole
is still in style.
- I created an empire,
and what did I do it for?
Myself?
No, I did it for
you, Little Rocky.
I want you to have
the jukeboxes.
I want you to have the casinos.
I want you to have
Manhattan, the Bronx,
and Staten Island, too.
You understand
what I'm trying to say
to you, Little Rocky?
My boy, I want you to
take over the business.
- What, and give up my dancing?
(traditional ballet music)
- What do you do, Papa?
(traditional ballet music)
No, no, Papa!
Not the kiss of death.
Not my Rocky.
- Mama, look at it this way.
We're not losing a son,
we're losing a daughter.
- Oh no, no, no,
not the kiss of death.
Oh no, no, I can't look.
I can't look, you
tell me, is it over?
Is it over?
(traditional ballet music)
- Mama, they're still kissing.
- I'm sorry to hear
that your uncle died.
How did it happen?
- Well, you see,
he borrowed $5,000
from the syndicate
for a heart transplant,
and he couldn't pay them
back so they repossessed.
- Well, Phillips, I've
read your research
on our forthcoming
television movie
and we're gonna have to
make a few minor changes.
Nothing's gonna
change it too much,
but just a couple little words.
For instance, starting
here on page one.
You take out the word 'mafia'.
You wanna write that down?
- Yeah, but it was the mafia.
The novel I adapted
called it mafia.
- Yeah, well you can't say
that anymore on television,
so change it to some
kind of literary society.
Now, here you
mention New Jersey.
That's a dead giveaway.
Make that some other place.
And now the name Tony Scungilli.
- But it was Tony Scungilli!
- Yeah, well, I don't care.
You can't, it's a fantasy,
so just change the name.
And the name
Gaglione's Pizza Parlor,
change that, and
don't say pizza.
And don't mention spaghetti.
Alright, now the other change,
just one little.
Oh, you got the word vendetta.
- Yeah.
- Don't say vendetta.
Say 'a minor misunderstanding'.
Oh, and these
stereotype expressions,
man, that's old hat.
You can't say, take out
words like 'kiss of death'
'a black limousine, '
'pin-striped suit, ' 'church, '
and 'priest'.
Okay, you got all that?
- Got it.
- Alright, how's
the story go now?
- Well, "In 1946, the
British Literary Society
"waged a bloody
minor misunderstanding
"in which 50 men
were blasted to death.
"In retaliation, as Fritz
McGregor was seated
"in Mama Schwartz's
tearoom in New Haven,
"a long, black
Volkswagen pulled up
"and two men wearing
Bermuda shorts emerged.
"After administering
the traditional
"friendly handshake
on both cheeks,
"they opened fire and fled
"as McGregor fell face forward
"into his rice pudding
and meatballs.
"Mortally wounded,
McGregor painfully
"dragged himself to
the nearest gymnasium,
"where he died after confessing
"to a basketball coach."
Well, what do you
think, Mr. Ianucci?
- Well, far as I can make out,
the Italians are gonna love it.
Might have a little trouble
with everybody else.
(rim shot)
- Guess what, New
York just legalized
off-track betting.
- Well, baby, we could
start betting on elections.
It's a lot safer than horses.
- How come?
- Did you ever hear of giving
a winning politician
a saliva test?
- No, but it's not a bad idea.
- Hey, you bet it's not.
In case you haven't
learned the Naughty Mobster
Because of some
unpleasant circumstance
Don't let yourself be hurled
to a bloody underworld
Let the Naughty Mobster
lead you to romance
Romance, the Naughty
Mobster's quite a different dance
Oh yeah (audience applauding)
- Travel arrangements
by Burbank Airlines,
which explains why
some of the guests
that appeared on
tonight's show didn't.
Know how a Burbankian
scratches his ear?
(exaggerated squeaking)
(musical flourish)
(exaggerated squeaking)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Astronomers have discovered
a new solar system
similar to ours.
Maybe you read about it.
Now the government's
got another problem.
They have to decide
whether to spend money
to see if there's
new life up there
or spend it to save
what life there is
left down here.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Following Leonard Bernstein's
very tasteful example,
our club invited a Black Panther
for one of our functions.
For a militant, he
serves beautifully.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I've got to start
losing weight.
The other day I put
on a sequined jacket
and four kids thought
I was Disneyland!
(funky, upbeat dance music)
(upbeat, kitschy music)
(slide whistle playing)
(slide whistle playing)
- You can't imagine
how cold this slab is.
- One of our church elders
is very advanced in years.
I don't know how
old he is, exactly,
but his Bible has been
autographed by the author.
- Careful, Mr. Mostel.
I have a strange effect on men.
- Is that a fact?
- A year ago, I refused
to marry a gentleman
and he's been
drinkin' ever since.
- Isn't that carrying a
celebration a little too far?
(screaming)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Ernestine.
Listen, you've got
to do me a favor.
I'm meeting
Mr. Stifflenger for cocktails.
I want you to come
along for protection.
Phoenicia, the man
is an animal. (snorts)
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, then
I'll see you at six.
Bye bye.
(jazzy cocktail music)
Oh, Phoenicia,
thank you for coming.
He just can't keep
his hands off me.
You must do what
you can to distract him.
- Okay, Ernestine,
I'll do what I can.
- I only wish that you'd done
something with your hair.
Why don't you get a permanent?
You really should learn to dress
with a little more
style, Phoenicia.
Well, when he comes,
try to look your best.
Here he is.
- Hi there.
- Oh there you are.
Mr. Stifflenger, I
want you to meet
my friend, Phoenicia.
Phoenicia, Mr. Stifflenger.
Mr. Stifflenger, Phoenicia.
Phoenicia's in
customer relations.
- She certainly is.
Waiter, two martinis.
- One martini and I,
I just don't know
what I'm doing.
- Better make those
doubles, waiter.
- I hope you don't mind
my bringing Phoenicia along,
Mr. Stifflenger.
(ice cubes clinking)
I'm sure you two will find
something to talk about.
- Sooner or later, maybe.
- Oh, Phoenicia, you
see how clever he is?
Feigning a casual
interest in you
so that he can
arouse my excitement?
- He certainly is.
- Oh, Mr. Stifflenger,
Mr. Stifflenger,
give it up.
I'm onto your coy charade.
Mr. Stifflenger,
I know that your,
your hands ache to caress me.
Your arms tremble to
hold me tightly. (snorts)
Your hot lips, your hot
lips hunger for mine.
I just know that your very being
just aches to carry
me off to some
secluded little hideaway
and do heaven
knows what. (snorts)
Oh, take me, Mr. Stifflenger.
Oh, thank goodness she was here.
I thought for a
minute he was gonna
rip the clothes right off me.
- And now for this
word of advice.
- Don't.
- That's just what
Mommy told Daddy.
Rah.
- Hey David, where did you get
those beautiful teeth?
- These aren't my teeth
When I was a small
boy, I swallowed a piano.
- That ain't nothin'.
I swallowed a whole orchestra.
(piano keys plinking)
- [Announcer] Time
to visit those folks
who live in that big
white house on the hill.
- Safe?
He was out a mile!
If I made decisions like that,
I'd be in big trouble.
- Yes, dear.
By the way, dear,
what are you doing
about the generation gap?
You know it's causing
an awful lot of talk.
- Well, let me say
this about that.
I have selected
some young people
to come here and talk with me.
I will state my policies
and give my arguments.
- Well, do you think
they will agree with you?
- Well, Tricia will,
but I might have
some little trouble with David.
(musical flourish)
- Mr. Mostel, you starred in
a movie called The Producers
about a producer
who produced a play,
didn't you, sir?
- Yes, I played the
part of a producer
in The Producers,
about a producer
who produced a play,
but it was really
about a producer
who was a seducer
who produced a
play in The Producers.
- But was the producer
who was a seducer
the real producer?
- No, I just played a producer
who was a seducer
who produced a
play in The Producers.
Mel Brooks was the real
producer of The Producers,
about a seducer-producer
who produced the play.
- Would you go over
that again, please?
- No.
- Okay.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
certainly would like
to thank our evening's
special guest star,
Zero Mostel.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you.
- Zero, you were
magnificent tonight.
I certainly hope you'll
come back very soon.
- Thank you, Dan, I
really enjoyed myself.
By the way, where
is what's his name?
- Dick?
I think he's out
practicing his dance.
- Here I am, Papa!
- Look, it's Tinkerbell.
- Look, I've been
working on my pliés,
and that's the plié,
and I almost
perfected my tours jeté.
And I think I sprained
my Abercrombie.
- Every move's a picture.
You're just poetry
in motion, aren't you?
- Thank you.
- Would you say goodnight, Dick?
- Goodnight, Dan.
And Papa and I
are going dancing.
- Dan, get this Fire
Island firefly away from me.
- Say goodnight, Zero.
- Goodnight, Zero.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Zero.
- Dance with me, come on!
- Let's go to the Joke Wall.
- No, no, not the Joke Wall!
Oh, not the Joke Wall!
Not the Joke Wall!
I'm gonna get something
really going here.
I'd rather see him, her dance.
Him dance?
- Alan, Alan?
- What?
- Go to your room.
- I haven't a room anymore.
- I got in enough trouble
with Peter Pan over here.
- Come on, dance with me!
Just somebody better!
- Alright, if I lead.
- Okay!
(musical flourish)
- Last night I received
an obscene phone call.
What's worse, it was collect.
- Statistics indicate
that if you drive
while you're smashed,
your car will end
up that way, too.
- Hey Zero?
- Yeah?
- What do you get if you
cross an elephant with a fly?
- I don't know, what?
- A zipper that never forgets.
- Hello?
Hi, I wanna tell you
about my aunt and uncle.
They had a daughter that,
now wait'll I tell you,
this daughter was
six-feet-seven,
weighted 280 pounds.
- Are they worried?
- No, they always
wanted a big family.
- You know that I just
became a 5th-Day Adventist?
- That's 7th-Day Adventist!
- I know, I know, I
took the weekend off.
- I've had enough
of this Joke Wall.
I wanna get out of here!
- Just behave yourself.
- Behave myself?
I can't even dress myself.
- Will ya shut the door?
- Aw, don't (mumbles).
- Stop undressing me.
- You know, in 1776,
both men and women
wore powdered wigs.
In fact, on the
painting of Washington
crossing the
Delaware, that's Martha.
- Died, and he left
thousands of dollars
in debt, unpaid
bills, and obligations.
Everything else
he left to the poor.
- Hey Henry!
What did the elephant
say when the alligator
pulled him out of the
swamp by his trunk?
- He said (holding nose)
"Thank you very much."
- Dad, I brought these
shoes so we can go dancing.
- Thanks a lot.
Hey, my brother wrote
a copy for Broadway
based on Webster's Dictionary.
It's a play on words.
- Did you realize how
frightening this world
would be without children?
- Well, for one thing,
women would have
to have give birth
whoever.
(speeded-up kazoo music)
(out of tune, erratic
trombone music)
- Portions of tonight's program
were on video tape.
The rest of it was presented
earlier on masking tape.
Z is for the zoo this
group belongs in
E is for my evening shot the
(old-timey car horn honking)
R is for the rowdy
bunch I've met here
O is that it's over
and that's swell
Put them all together
they spell Zero
Which sums up what
this show has meant to me
(water splashing)
L is for the lawsuit I am filing
- Now, that's very interesting,
but it's really ungelegagible.
Unbeliegable.
Take the letters and make
what you want out of them.
I haven't got time.
(sparse applause)
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- [Host] Ladies and gentlemen,
the Supremes.
- Hmmmmm.
(audience laughing)
- Caesar!
- Caesar!
- No, no, you mean seize him.
Do not be fooled by this robe.
- Well, in that
case, wanna dance?
- Yes, honey!
(audience laughing)
- What do I hear
for this couple?
- Oh!
- Oh, gung-ho!
- I'm afraid you're
mistaken, ma'am.
I'm Don Ho.
- Oh, I know, I know.
I'm gung-ho.
(audience laughing)
- People in Great
Britain consider
every episode of
Laugh-In unforgettable,
but then they feel the same way
about World War II.
- Well, that's the last
time I eat Mexican food.
- Okay, pull.
(audience laughing)
- There you are.
(cheerful music)
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Nervous
Broadcasting Company,
reluctantly offers Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan,
the Swedish Angel, Dick Martin
with special guest
star, actor, comedian,
and nice guy, Zero Mostel
and Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin,
plus extra goodies,
Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips,
the flashing feet
of Barbara Sharma,
and me, I'm Gary Owens,
telling you to stay
tuned for the moment
when Mervin the
Magnificent does his trick.
We'll be right back after
this fake commercial.
- Not 'like', 'as' a cigarette.
- What would you rather have,
good grammar or good taste?
- How about good lungs?
(hacking cough)
- Cigars are like women.
The best ones are fat and round.
Mmm.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- You know, Alan, I have
nothing against long hairs.
- Of course not, ya
got 12 of 'em yourself.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I'm seriously considering
leaving the force
and going on welfare.
I could use the extra money.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My agent has only
been able to get me
a small part in a nudie.
He says if I want
to get bigger parts,
I have to get bigger parts.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I've just written
a book called
What I've Always Known About Sex
But Been Too Busy to Answer.
(rimshot)
(drum roll)
- And now, America,
two reasons why my
president never stays
home on Monday night:
Rowan and (tapping
and musical flourish)
Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen, we...
(tapping in background)
Yes sir.
- You know, Dan,
I'm not a mean man.
- That's true.
- But someday, I'm gonna
tie her laces together.
- I think someone already...
- They must've, yeah.
- Moving right
along, dyke, er, Dick.
It's nice to see you're
reading something.
You're supposed to
be reading something.
Well, what's this
book you're reading?
- It is called a book.
- That's the title of the book?
- An book, no,
it's not the title.
It's what it is, it's a book.
- I know it's a book,
but what's it about?
- Well, it's all
about personal traits
and how they
reveal your character.
For instance, what did
you have for breakfast
this morning?
- I had scrambled
eggs and bacon.
- Uh-Oh.
- What's the matter?
What do you mean uh-oh?
- Book says right here,
people who eat
scrambled eggs are devious
and not to be trusted.
- Oh come on, I don't
believe any of that.
- I know, it's obvious
from your shoes.
- My shoes?
- Sure, sure.
- What do my shoes
have to do with it?
- Well then, how do you
explain the mustache?
Explain it.
- I didn't explain
it, I grew it!
- Sure, but you
notice you grew it
right under your nose.
Look here.
- Boy, you're perceptive.
Where else am I
gonna grow a mustache
except under my nose?
- Don't ask me, you're
the one who's insecure.
- Who's insecure?
- You have to
blink like that, huh?
Demonstrate your
hatred for foreigners.
- I don't hate foreigners.
I never, I've always liked you.
- You just go
ahead and let all that
latent hostility come right out.
- What latent hostility?
- It's so typical of
you pipe smokers,
you and your sexual repressions.
- Hold it, hold it.
- Right there, right there.
- I do not have any
sexual repressions.
- I guess not, not with those
stubby thumbs. (laughs)
That proves everything,
you'll stop at nothing,
you animal!
- Alright, hold it now.
You don't know anything.
I happen to know
about psychology.
- You do?
- I know psychology.
- You're kidding.
- For instance,
you haven't really
read that book, have you?
- How do you know that?
- You're making it all up.
- Why?
- Right?
- [Dan] Well, just take
one look at that silly tie.
It explains it all.
- It is?
- Well, no, it does.
- It does?
- [Dan] And look
at those low elbows.
- What low elbows?
- Dead giveaway, low elbows.
Oh yeah, and close-set ears.
You're easily
embarrassed, aren't you?
- No.
- Look at that chin.
Oh, sure, you
can tell right away.
Classic, classic.
How 'bout the shifty eyes?
Kinda beady, huh?
Look at the little hook
in your nose. (laughs)
What's the matter?
Can't take any of your
own medicine, huh?
Dick? Dick?
Ah well, let's
leave him that way
and go to the quickies.
He's kinda silly anyway.
Looks better that way.
- I heard that!
You people with wavy hair
have absolutely no loyalty.
(musical flourish)
- That was unnecessary,
lousy, rowdy, and rude.
Just for that I'm not
gonna go in the Joke Wall.
(fast-paced, silly music)
- Half a peace sign
is better than nothing.
- Nurse, there's something
wrong with my throat.
I think I have laryngitis.
- Well then shut up!
That'll be $10.
(musical flourish)
(knocking on door)
- Yes?
- Hello, I'm collecting
for the old people's home.
- Good.
- Yes.
- Get your old people.
- Thank you.
(silly music)
- Mr. Hankel, look.
The White House
has been wondering
what's come over you lately?
You used to be adamant on
the side of the administration,
but lately you seem to be taking
a somewhat different view.
- Well, what's come over me
is a simple, little blue
pill called Oppose.
O-P-P-O-S-E.
- Well, isn't that
interesting, Wally.
From now on you're
fired, F-I-R-R-E-D.
- AM and FM.
- I predict that on June 1st,
(traditional Middle
Eastern music)
the world will come to an end.
I further predict
that on June 2nd,
that prediction will
be proven false.
- That's ridiculous.
- One out of two ain't bad.
(upbeat, funky music)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Well, Miss
Figgencrantz, I must say
your typing has
certainly improved.
There are only six errors here.
- Why, thank you.
- Now, let's look
at the second line.
(funky, upbeat music)
- I just read the list of
the 10 worst-dressed
men of the year.
- Oh, who were they?
- Me.
- Oh, wow, that's heavy.
(funky, upbeat music)
- There you are,
my little bumblebee.
(dishes clattering)
(funky, upbeat music)
(lid squeaking open)
(funky, upbeat music)
- Th-Th-Th-Th that's all, folks.
- How'd you like
the quickies tonight?
- Personally I think
some of 'em are too quick.
- Oh really?
Which ones do you
think were too quick?
- Well, for example, the
one about Raquel Welch
and the bowling ball.
- I don't remember that.
- See, too quick!
- Oh, it was.
(slide whistle blowing)
- Civics class will
now come to order.
As you know, Mr. Frank
Sinatra has announced
that he is backing
Governor Reagan,
though still
remaining a Democrat.
Now I am sure he did not do this
just to have the least
of both possible worlds.
Our next subject is biology.
Now let's see, where's my frog?
(drum roll)
(musical flourish)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Are you ready for this?
Dad went to Denmark
for the sex fair.
At his age, fair is about
as good as he can hope for.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Mr. Mostel, I
bet it isn't easy
going through life
with a name like Zero.
- Well, Barbara, a
wise man once said
"What's in a name?"
I think it was
Engelbert Humperdinck.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My church is keeping
up with the times.
We've replaced the
organist with a rock group,
evening meditation
with a sensitivity session,
and the Sunday collection
is now on Diner's Club.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- My daddy is so pleased about
the way the
administration is handling
integration in the South.
- Oh, really?
There's a lot of people saying
there's not very
much being done.
- That's why Daddy's so pleased.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
the amazing Paul Tony.
- Thank you, I have
for you a simple trick,
so I will need a
simple mind. (laughs)
You'll do-a fine.
Now, if you please-a
write a number down
on this-a piece of paper
between one and a-100.
(laughs)
Now, you got it?
Now I will write
down my prediction
on this particular
piece of paper, alright?
(laughs)
Now, will you kindly
tell the audience
the number you thought of?
- 38.
- And now will you read
what is on this piece of paper?
- He's absolutely right.
- Thank you, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- It says 38 on that card?
- No, it says, "He's
absolutely right."
- If you think that was good,
you should see Mervin.
Now, his trick is magnificent.
(slow, whimsical music)
(thunder rumbling)
(thunder rumbling)
- Mervin, that's magnificent.
(speeded-up dance music)
- Okay, come on.
(door crashing open)
(whistle blowing)
(marching band music)
- I'm Suzie Sorority
from the Silent Majority.
And if you can't hear
me, I'll shout a little louder.
Rah.
Daddy says we
live in a typically fine
American neighborhood.
No blacks, no
poor, no prejudice.
Rah.
(whistling) (player piano music)
- Did you know that
according to the government,
if you drink five ounces
of whiskey an hour,
you're intoxicated?
- Well, we're safe.
We can drink that
much in a half an hour.
(both laughing)
(glass shattering)
You know, you have
an amazing effect on me.
- I'll drink to that.
- Well, okay, you drink to that.
- You big lug.
(cheerful marching band music)
(electronic screeching)
- I'm so happy
dresses are long again.
Now I can go back to
wearin' sweat socks.
(shoes tapping on floor)
- Now I've seen
almost 50 actors today.
Not a one of 'em's the
Hamlet I'm looking for.
- Well, look, there's
only one more left.
- Alright, next.
- I would like to audition
for the part Hamlet.
- Impossible, you'd never do.
- Listen, Mr. Big Shot Director,
don't be such a wise goy.
Give a listen.
After all, it's no
skin off your nose
you should hear something.
- But Hamlet requires
great diction and voice.
- Oh, ha, cookie.
Give a listen, you'll
hear something.
- Alright, go on.
- To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune
and by opposing, end them.
- Fantastic.
- Bravo, bravo!
- You'll be my Hamlet.
Such style, such presence!
Such acting.
- What are you
talking about, acting?
That was the real me.
When I talk like
this, dat's acting.
(funky, upbeat music)
- Oh fairy godmother,
I lost my glass slipper
at the ball last night.
- Oh don't worry
about it, my child.
Perhaps a handsome
prince will find it
and return it.
Boring!
- Who is it?
- It is I, a handsome prince.
- Come here, little fellow.
- Did you lose a glass
slipper at the ball?
- Why yes, I did.
- Here it is.
(glass shattering)
- What'd I tell you, Cindy?
Put a little Elmer's glue on it
and you'll be out in
20 minutes. (laughs)
- Unge biebable.
Ungiliebable.
That's as hard as
saying Messershushitz.
- Whatever happened
to the chicken joke?
Boring!
(folksy Russian music)
When we're in the
meadow Toiling, toiling
And the Russian
sun is Boiling, boiling
We are weak and weary
Suddenly we're cheery
When we hear a
simple little La-ti-di-da-da
La-ti-di-da-di-Da La-di-da-di-da
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In is looking
At the new-new-new-new-new-new
new-new-new-new-new-new
new-new-new-new-new-new
Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In is looking
At the news
Here's Dan, here's
Dick, the news
(audience applauding)
- [Announcer] It's
the Laugh-In News
with Boog Powell on first,
Brooks Robinson on third,
George McGovern in left,
Ronald Reagan in right,
and Dan and Dick in the middle.
- Good evening,
this is Dan Rowan
in Sarasota, Florida.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Battle Creek, Michigan.
- A future news item,
10 years from now,
Birmingham, Alabama.
Governor Wallace announced today
that he will not fight
the laws on integration.
He did, however,
indicate his intention
to fight anyone attempting
to enforce those laws.
(audience laughing)
- Aristotle Onassis
today withdrew his offer
to purchase the bankrupt
Penn Central railroad
when he discovered that
his basement playroom
is 16 inches too short.
(audience laughing)
- He must be
pretty disappointed.
In the wake of the
Masters and Johnson study
on sexual responsiveness,
a parallel study has
just been concluded
at the Burbank Sexual
Research Center.
Come in, Burbank.
- Margaret McCaffrey
here at the Burbank
Sexual Research Center
where we are awaiting
the momentary appearance
of Dr. Fields and Dr. Bugleman
for a report of their study.
Oh, here's Dr. Fields now.
Doctor, could you
explain your project?
- Oh, certainly.
Dr. Bugleman and I have
just completed five years,
and they were five
wonderful years
observing the sexual
behavior of adults in Burbank.
- Oh, how pleasant. (laughs)
Now could you give us
the results of your study?
- I'd be happy to.
Excuse me,
Dr. Bugleman has them.
Just a moment.
Dr. Bugleman, may we
have the notes you kept?
- Notes, notes I kept?
Oh, oh, I thought
you kept the notes.
- Oh, well, another five
years can't hurt anything.
- Alright people,
let's take it from top.
- Let's get moving, Doctor.
- Back to you, Dan.
- New York City.
Today, police
investigating a bomb threat
to a Harlem tenement
house arrived to find
an entire side of
the building gone
and half the roof caved in.
Fortunately for the
building's occupants,
the bomb never went off.
- Time now for
Laugh-In's news of the past
as we go tripping back
to 1620 in Plymouth Rock.
- Boy, this
shoreline is terrible!
It's so rocky.
And look how
thick the trees are.
And frankly, I'm cold.
The weather is awful.
- What this is America,
love it or leave it.
- A spokesman for
the Census Bureau
was at a lost to
explain the case
of a Mr. Ronnie Cowan
of Muncie, Indiana,
who filed his income tax return
and his census form
on the same day.
And within a week, received
a refund of 600 people.
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
- AM and EN.
(slow, hokey dance music)
- Another crack
like that, fella,
and you'll never dance again.
I repeat. (laughs)
- Oh, what are you doing here?
- Well, as soon as I found
out you were employed
as (mumbles) acts
in this den of pleasure,
I bought out the house.
- Please go away
and don't annoy me.
- Miss I cannot
heed, oh, oh, oh,
the erotic sensuality
of your beautifiscent
torso has brought my
blood to a feverish boil.
Perhaps you'll remove
just one outer garment
to further fan the
flames of my passion.
Perhaps you maybe might remove
one of your dainty little shoes
that I might hold it
in my trembling hand.
Perhaps you'll remove my remains
before I'm charged
for a second show.
(audience applauding)
(musical flourish)
(blowing whistle)
- Time out!
Or is that time in?
- Well, time for the
old Fickle Finger.
- Right.
Tonight's a very special award
for a very special
person, Martha Mitchell,
and we'll tell you more about it
after this commercial message.
- But I...
- Now as I was saying before
we were so rudely interrupted,
tonight a special award
for a special person,
Martha Mitchell.
- Say, didn't she write
Gone With the Wind?
- No, that was
Margaret Mitchell.
- Oh.
- This is the wife of Attorney
General John Mitchell
and she's much better known
for what she says
than for what she writes.
- Oh, that Martha Mitchell.
- Right.
- Well, what'd she do?
- I'll tell you in a moment,
but let's take a few
seconds for a station break
to give John time to
call Martha to the set.
- Yeah, but... (upbeat,
funky dance music)
Now, Dan?
- Now, Dick.
According to articles
in the New York Times
and the Los Angeles Times,
Mrs. Mitchell recently called
United Press International
to blast the nation's educators.
She said that they
were responsible
for "all of our troubles
in this country."
- Hey, she oughta tell
that to President Nixon.
- Why's that?
- Well, he's been under
the false impression
that pollution, poverty,
and North Vietnam
have been, you know,
they've had something to do
with our problems.
- Oh, no, Mrs. Mitchell
was further quoted
as calling the academic society
"a bunch of sidewalk diplomats
"that don't know the score."
And she said, "They are at fault
"for a whole
generation of children."
- Well, maybe they
don't know the score,
but if they're responsible
for a whole generation
of children,
some of 'em must
have known something.
- Yes, Mrs. Mitchell goes on...
- She certainly does.
- [Dan] Yes, speaking
of professors, she says,
"They don't know
what's going on.
"They don't have
any right to talk."
- Well, now that
sounds like she figures
when it comes to free speech,
there's only enough
to go around for her.
- Maybe so.
- Say, isn't it unusual
for an attorney general
to let his wife talk like that?
- Oh, well, he
didn't know about it.
She made the call to
UPI from some place
where he couldn't
hear her, you see.
- Very clever.
Where?
- Well, she made
the call from, well.
- She made those
remarks from the bathroom?
- Yes.
- Well, somehow that
makes a lot of sense.
- Never mind that now.
It's time for the award.
- Here you are, Mrs. Mitchell,
in return for all
those lovely thoughts,
the Golden Goodie
is winging its way
to your private phone booth.
- And just remember,
it is not only an award,
because the
functional Fickle Finger
can also be used for dialing.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Ya know, a lot of folks I know
are complaining
about having to live
in cheap, run-down
ghetto housing.
So the slumlords obliged them
by raising their rent.
Now, they live in expensive,
run-down ghetto housing.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I hate fan magazines,
mainly because
they have a better
circulation than I do.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Dick, do you think
you could ever be faithful
to one woman?
- Hmm, one woman?
I've been faithful to as
many as 10 at one time.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Now, let's see.
The knee bone
connected to the arm bone,
the arm bone connected
to the head bone,
the head bone...
Oh, I don't know, it all
went right in rehearsal.
(speeded-up, silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Mmm.
(rim shot)
- I was wondering if you would
name for me the
Hawaiian islands.
- Let's see, there's
Hawaii, Kauai, Molokai,
Oahu, Lanai,
Kahoolawee, Rabbit Island.
- Oh, wonderful.
Listen, when you
learn to speak English,
come back and maybe
we'll have a conversation.
(audience laughing)
(alarm clock ringing)
(slow, whimsical music)
- [Female] Harry,
how much longer
are you going to put off
fixing that bathroom switch?
You really ought to
pay that orthodontist bill.
I can't put him off much longer.
You know, Harry,
with prices going up
I'm going to need more
money for groceries.
You're going to
have to ask for raise.
We just can't live
on what you make.
I mean it, Harry, I'm getting
those migraines again,
and if you don't
(slow, whimsical music)
do something to help me
with the kids and the house.
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(car engine turning over)
- [Radio] And so
college protests continue
in the light of the
Vietnamese conflict.
Meanwhile in Washington,
the bill for increased
consumer protection
was defeated on
Capitol Hill today.
Now, turning to
the weather picture,
the pollution district
expects another smog alert
to be called.
(car screeching to halt)
(car door opening and shutting)
(slow, whimsical music)
(typewriters clicking)
- [Male] Nelson, I've been
going over your reports
on the Casmar affair.
They're not bad, Nelson,
but we've decided to take
a completely different
approach to the matter.
You might say a thrust
with a new point of view.
Oh, incidentally,
Nelson, you're fired.
(paper ripping)
(slow, whimsical music)
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(car engine turning over)
(horn honking)
- [Motorist] Hey,
why don't ya watch
where you're
goin' ya big stupid.
Are you blind?
What's the matter with
you guys drivin' that car,
ya big fat guys always
in the middle of the road
drive me outta my mind.
(car honking) (brakes squealing)
(car door opening
and slamming shut)
(slow, whimsical music)
(Western show playing on TV)
- [Girl] I don't wanna
watch the cowboys!
I wanna watch Bozo the Clown!
- [Boy] Well, we're
watchin' the cowboys,
stupid face, so just lump it.
- [Girl] Mommy,
Debbie hit me! (sobbing)
- [Wife] Harry, would you
do something about the kids?
I'm busy in here.
Can't you do anything?
All you do is sit
there, just sit, sit, sit.
You really don't do
anything on your own.
I'm just absolutely fed up.
I mean it Harry!
I hate to have to tell you
(slow, whimsical music)
what to do every moment.
Now please come in
there and just tell them
to stop it.
'Cause if you don't stop it,
I will lose my voice.
Can't you...
Do is sit there.
(slow, whimsical music)
(audience cheering
and applauding)
- [Male] That's life.
(speeded-up, comical music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's Laugh-In
takes a concerned
look at organized crime.
- And it's our sincere hope
that they don't look back.
- Now is there anything
you'd like to add
before we begin this
organized crime looked at.
- Just that we sincerely
hope they don't look back.
- I believe you just said that.
- I'd rather be safe than sorry.
- Nevertheless,
let's take a look
at these naughty mobsters.
- Certainly hope
they don't look back.
Once we did the Charleston
and the Bunny Hug
Then we did the
Twist and Bugaloo
Every year a brand-new
dance comes on the scene
May we teach another one to you
We'd like to introduce
the Naughty Mobster
You'll love the person
it's the latest dance
So who would waste his
time organizing vice and crime
When the Naughty
Mobster leads us to romance
Dance the Naughty Mobster
You'll be helpless to resist
Do the Naughty Mobster
And be careful
when you're kissed
You could be missed
The orchestra will
play a slow bolero
And everyone will
gather in a mob
In a group
So who would want to
play with the syndicate today
When the Naughty
Mobster dance will do the job
It isn't like the tango
It isn't like a waltz or galvant
It isn't hard to learn it
Actually you learn it in a shot
Dance the Naughty Mobster
With its torrid Irish beat
Do the Naughty Mobster
With cement around your feet
That might be sweet
Let's now perform a
charming Funky Chicken
You recognize the
movement at a glance
A little hop and skip
then a really daring dip
A secluded auto trip
A revolver on the hip
And the Naughty Mobster
leads us to romance
Romance the Naughty
Mobster's quite a daring dance
(audience applauding)
- You know I,
I never watch the
FBI show on television.
- Why not?
- I can't stand unhappy endings.
- The greatest part
about being in a syndicate
was the food.
I got them to make Afro-American
spaghetti and
chitlings cacciatore,
mulligan stew and
black-eyed peas
with matzo balls, and
frijoles on the side.
That's every kind of soul food.
Hmm.
- Uh, excuse me, sir.
I'm from the Burbank Bugle
and I'd like to ask
you a few questions.
Now, is it true that
important prisoners
get preferential treatment?
- Nah, I'm treated
just like anybody else.
Ask my cellmate.
- Where's your cellmate?
- She's out having
her hair done.
- When will she be back?
- 5:30, we're goin'
to the warden's house
for cocktails.
- Ready, Louie?
- Yeah.
- All set, Jake?
- Yep.
- Okay, all together.
Up the lazy river
By the old mill
(water splashing)
Give my best to Charlie Tuna
- You know something, Mama?
I ain't gettin' any younger.
I think it's time
to talk to the kid
about taking over the business
and becoming the new godfather.
Killer, go get Little Rocky.
It's time I had a
man-to-man talk
with Little Rocky, Mama.
(traditional ballet music)
- You want me, Papa?
- Not really.
I had hoped for a son.
Look at you, a grown
man dancing around
in a miniskirt.
- Papa, this is a tutu.
Don't you remember
when Mama gave it to me
on my Sweet 16 party?
- Mama, this is all your fault!
Now you listen to
me, Little Rocky.
I built this business
up from nothing.
When I came to this country,
all I had was stolen
clothes on my back.
With my bare hands,
I stole dirt and bricks
and built a building
with stolen windows.
And you see this stole
your Mama's wearing?
I stole that stole!
- You see this stolen stole?
This stolen stole
is still in style.
- I created an empire,
and what did I do it for?
Myself?
No, I did it for
you, Little Rocky.
I want you to have
the jukeboxes.
I want you to have the casinos.
I want you to have
Manhattan, the Bronx,
and Staten Island, too.
You understand
what I'm trying to say
to you, Little Rocky?
My boy, I want you to
take over the business.
- What, and give up my dancing?
(traditional ballet music)
- What do you do, Papa?
(traditional ballet music)
No, no, Papa!
Not the kiss of death.
Not my Rocky.
- Mama, look at it this way.
We're not losing a son,
we're losing a daughter.
- Oh no, no, no,
not the kiss of death.
Oh no, no, I can't look.
I can't look, you
tell me, is it over?
Is it over?
(traditional ballet music)
- Mama, they're still kissing.
- I'm sorry to hear
that your uncle died.
How did it happen?
- Well, you see,
he borrowed $5,000
from the syndicate
for a heart transplant,
and he couldn't pay them
back so they repossessed.
- Well, Phillips, I've
read your research
on our forthcoming
television movie
and we're gonna have to
make a few minor changes.
Nothing's gonna
change it too much,
but just a couple little words.
For instance, starting
here on page one.
You take out the word 'mafia'.
You wanna write that down?
- Yeah, but it was the mafia.
The novel I adapted
called it mafia.
- Yeah, well you can't say
that anymore on television,
so change it to some
kind of literary society.
Now, here you
mention New Jersey.
That's a dead giveaway.
Make that some other place.
And now the name Tony Scungilli.
- But it was Tony Scungilli!
- Yeah, well, I don't care.
You can't, it's a fantasy,
so just change the name.
And the name
Gaglione's Pizza Parlor,
change that, and
don't say pizza.
And don't mention spaghetti.
Alright, now the other change,
just one little.
Oh, you got the word vendetta.
- Yeah.
- Don't say vendetta.
Say 'a minor misunderstanding'.
Oh, and these
stereotype expressions,
man, that's old hat.
You can't say, take out
words like 'kiss of death'
'a black limousine, '
'pin-striped suit, ' 'church, '
and 'priest'.
Okay, you got all that?
- Got it.
- Alright, how's
the story go now?
- Well, "In 1946, the
British Literary Society
"waged a bloody
minor misunderstanding
"in which 50 men
were blasted to death.
"In retaliation, as Fritz
McGregor was seated
"in Mama Schwartz's
tearoom in New Haven,
"a long, black
Volkswagen pulled up
"and two men wearing
Bermuda shorts emerged.
"After administering
the traditional
"friendly handshake
on both cheeks,
"they opened fire and fled
"as McGregor fell face forward
"into his rice pudding
and meatballs.
"Mortally wounded,
McGregor painfully
"dragged himself to
the nearest gymnasium,
"where he died after confessing
"to a basketball coach."
Well, what do you
think, Mr. Ianucci?
- Well, far as I can make out,
the Italians are gonna love it.
Might have a little trouble
with everybody else.
(rim shot)
- Guess what, New
York just legalized
off-track betting.
- Well, baby, we could
start betting on elections.
It's a lot safer than horses.
- How come?
- Did you ever hear of giving
a winning politician
a saliva test?
- No, but it's not a bad idea.
- Hey, you bet it's not.
In case you haven't
learned the Naughty Mobster
Because of some
unpleasant circumstance
Don't let yourself be hurled
to a bloody underworld
Let the Naughty Mobster
lead you to romance
Romance, the Naughty
Mobster's quite a different dance
Oh yeah (audience applauding)
- Travel arrangements
by Burbank Airlines,
which explains why
some of the guests
that appeared on
tonight's show didn't.
Know how a Burbankian
scratches his ear?
(exaggerated squeaking)
(musical flourish)
(exaggerated squeaking)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Astronomers have discovered
a new solar system
similar to ours.
Maybe you read about it.
Now the government's
got another problem.
They have to decide
whether to spend money
to see if there's
new life up there
or spend it to save
what life there is
left down here.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Following Leonard Bernstein's
very tasteful example,
our club invited a Black Panther
for one of our functions.
For a militant, he
serves beautifully.
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- I've got to start
losing weight.
The other day I put
on a sequined jacket
and four kids thought
I was Disneyland!
(funky, upbeat dance music)
(upbeat, kitschy music)
(slide whistle playing)
(slide whistle playing)
- You can't imagine
how cold this slab is.
- One of our church elders
is very advanced in years.
I don't know how
old he is, exactly,
but his Bible has been
autographed by the author.
- Careful, Mr. Mostel.
I have a strange effect on men.
- Is that a fact?
- A year ago, I refused
to marry a gentleman
and he's been
drinkin' ever since.
- Isn't that carrying a
celebration a little too far?
(screaming)
(funky, upbeat dance music)
- Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Ernestine.
Listen, you've got
to do me a favor.
I'm meeting
Mr. Stifflenger for cocktails.
I want you to come
along for protection.
Phoenicia, the man
is an animal. (snorts)
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, then
I'll see you at six.
Bye bye.
(jazzy cocktail music)
Oh, Phoenicia,
thank you for coming.
He just can't keep
his hands off me.
You must do what
you can to distract him.
- Okay, Ernestine,
I'll do what I can.
- I only wish that you'd done
something with your hair.
Why don't you get a permanent?
You really should learn to dress
with a little more
style, Phoenicia.
Well, when he comes,
try to look your best.
Here he is.
- Hi there.
- Oh there you are.
Mr. Stifflenger, I
want you to meet
my friend, Phoenicia.
Phoenicia, Mr. Stifflenger.
Mr. Stifflenger, Phoenicia.
Phoenicia's in
customer relations.
- She certainly is.
Waiter, two martinis.
- One martini and I,
I just don't know
what I'm doing.
- Better make those
doubles, waiter.
- I hope you don't mind
my bringing Phoenicia along,
Mr. Stifflenger.
(ice cubes clinking)
I'm sure you two will find
something to talk about.
- Sooner or later, maybe.
- Oh, Phoenicia, you
see how clever he is?
Feigning a casual
interest in you
so that he can
arouse my excitement?
- He certainly is.
- Oh, Mr. Stifflenger,
Mr. Stifflenger,
give it up.
I'm onto your coy charade.
Mr. Stifflenger,
I know that your,
your hands ache to caress me.
Your arms tremble to
hold me tightly. (snorts)
Your hot lips, your hot
lips hunger for mine.
I just know that your very being
just aches to carry
me off to some
secluded little hideaway
and do heaven
knows what. (snorts)
Oh, take me, Mr. Stifflenger.
Oh, thank goodness she was here.
I thought for a
minute he was gonna
rip the clothes right off me.
- And now for this
word of advice.
- Don't.
- That's just what
Mommy told Daddy.
Rah.
- Hey David, where did you get
those beautiful teeth?
- These aren't my teeth
When I was a small
boy, I swallowed a piano.
- That ain't nothin'.
I swallowed a whole orchestra.
(piano keys plinking)
- [Announcer] Time
to visit those folks
who live in that big
white house on the hill.
- Safe?
He was out a mile!
If I made decisions like that,
I'd be in big trouble.
- Yes, dear.
By the way, dear,
what are you doing
about the generation gap?
You know it's causing
an awful lot of talk.
- Well, let me say
this about that.
I have selected
some young people
to come here and talk with me.
I will state my policies
and give my arguments.
- Well, do you think
they will agree with you?
- Well, Tricia will,
but I might have
some little trouble with David.
(musical flourish)
- Mr. Mostel, you starred in
a movie called The Producers
about a producer
who produced a play,
didn't you, sir?
- Yes, I played the
part of a producer
in The Producers,
about a producer
who produced a play,
but it was really
about a producer
who was a seducer
who produced a
play in The Producers.
- But was the producer
who was a seducer
the real producer?
- No, I just played a producer
who was a seducer
who produced a
play in The Producers.
Mel Brooks was the real
producer of The Producers,
about a seducer-producer
who produced the play.
- Would you go over
that again, please?
- No.
- Okay.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
certainly would like
to thank our evening's
special guest star,
Zero Mostel.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you.
- Zero, you were
magnificent tonight.
I certainly hope you'll
come back very soon.
- Thank you, Dan, I
really enjoyed myself.
By the way, where
is what's his name?
- Dick?
I think he's out
practicing his dance.
- Here I am, Papa!
- Look, it's Tinkerbell.
- Look, I've been
working on my pliés,
and that's the plié,
and I almost
perfected my tours jeté.
And I think I sprained
my Abercrombie.
- Every move's a picture.
You're just poetry
in motion, aren't you?
- Thank you.
- Would you say goodnight, Dick?
- Goodnight, Dan.
And Papa and I
are going dancing.
- Dan, get this Fire
Island firefly away from me.
- Say goodnight, Zero.
- Goodnight, Zero.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Zero.
- Dance with me, come on!
- Let's go to the Joke Wall.
- No, no, not the Joke Wall!
Oh, not the Joke Wall!
Not the Joke Wall!
I'm gonna get something
really going here.
I'd rather see him, her dance.
Him dance?
- Alan, Alan?
- What?
- Go to your room.
- I haven't a room anymore.
- I got in enough trouble
with Peter Pan over here.
- Come on, dance with me!
Just somebody better!
- Alright, if I lead.
- Okay!
(musical flourish)
- Last night I received
an obscene phone call.
What's worse, it was collect.
- Statistics indicate
that if you drive
while you're smashed,
your car will end
up that way, too.
- Hey Zero?
- Yeah?
- What do you get if you
cross an elephant with a fly?
- I don't know, what?
- A zipper that never forgets.
- Hello?
Hi, I wanna tell you
about my aunt and uncle.
They had a daughter that,
now wait'll I tell you,
this daughter was
six-feet-seven,
weighted 280 pounds.
- Are they worried?
- No, they always
wanted a big family.
- You know that I just
became a 5th-Day Adventist?
- That's 7th-Day Adventist!
- I know, I know, I
took the weekend off.
- I've had enough
of this Joke Wall.
I wanna get out of here!
- Just behave yourself.
- Behave myself?
I can't even dress myself.
- Will ya shut the door?
- Aw, don't (mumbles).
- Stop undressing me.
- You know, in 1776,
both men and women
wore powdered wigs.
In fact, on the
painting of Washington
crossing the
Delaware, that's Martha.
- Died, and he left
thousands of dollars
in debt, unpaid
bills, and obligations.
Everything else
he left to the poor.
- Hey Henry!
What did the elephant
say when the alligator
pulled him out of the
swamp by his trunk?
- He said (holding nose)
"Thank you very much."
- Dad, I brought these
shoes so we can go dancing.
- Thanks a lot.
Hey, my brother wrote
a copy for Broadway
based on Webster's Dictionary.
It's a play on words.
- Did you realize how
frightening this world
would be without children?
- Well, for one thing,
women would have
to have give birth
whoever.
(speeded-up kazoo music)
(out of tune, erratic
trombone music)
- Portions of tonight's program
were on video tape.
The rest of it was presented
earlier on masking tape.
Z is for the zoo this
group belongs in
E is for my evening shot the
(old-timey car horn honking)
R is for the rowdy
bunch I've met here
O is that it's over
and that's swell
Put them all together
they spell Zero
Which sums up what
this show has meant to me
(water splashing)
L is for the lawsuit I am filing
- Now, that's very interesting,
but it's really ungelegagible.
Unbeliegable.
Take the letters and make
what you want out of them.
I haven't got time.
(sparse applause)