Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 7 - Episode #4.7 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
People have always
been fascinated
by other dimensions of the mind
and exploring areas that
are strange, challenging
and unique.
Come with me as
Laugh-In takes a step
into the Twilight
Zone and presents
Rowan and Martin's Boo-In.
Here's Dan and Dick.
(audience applauding)
- You'll never guess
who it is, could ya.
- I thought you were Lillian.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight's a very special show.
In honor of Halloween,
we're going to deal with all
the occult arts,
witchcraft, sorcery, ghosts.
- Ah, ghosts, that's the spirit.
Ohh.
- Right, it's going to
be a festival of fantasy
and we've got the
perfect guest for it.
The master of magic,
student of the occult,
a man of great stature,
that impressive
figure, Orson Welles.
(audience applauding)
- Now I agree with
the great stature
but I'm not too
impressed with the figure.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening, Dan.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, creep.
(audience laughing)
- You heard that?
- Yes I heard that last remark.
- Mr. Welles, we're just
both delighted to have
you on the show tonight.
- Well I'm both
delighted to be on it.
I've been looking forward
to all that, you know,
well most of it.
That dousing with the
water, the jokes, the trap door
and above all, I can't
wait to do the Farkel.
- Oh no, no, wait.
Don't do that.
We're not going
to do that tonight.
No, tonight's a special night.
This is in honor of Halloween.
We're going to
explore the occult arts.
- What?
- Yes.
- Incur the forces of
witchcraft and sorcery.
- Oh, poo, pash and tush.
Just a lot of abracadabra.
- That word.
The cabalistic shibulus.
It's dangerous, even, to say it.
- Dangerous to say abracadabra.
(audience laughing)
- There see.
An omen.
- There's no such thing.
- But it happened
when I said abra...
I mean that word.
- What word?
- I forgot, some
cabalistic sibalith or other.
(audience laughing)
- It's a shear ke
wink a dink that's all.
- Maybe you're right, it
probably had nothing to do
with saying abracadabra.
- No.
He's gone.
- To recover him we shall
have to explore every art
of the occult worlds.
- Well we were going
to do that before.
- Well we better do it now
or we'll never get him back.
Follow me, abracadabra.
- [Dick] Hey, it's about
time you guys came by.
We got a show to do.
(witch's cackle)
- [Gary] Good
evening and welcome.
Tonight NBC, the
national bland corporation,
presents Rowan
and Martin's Boo-In.
(witch's cackle)
This room may look
empty but we are not alone.
For within these walls lurks,
the ghoulish Dan Rowan
and the ghastly Dick Martin.
- Boo.
- Help.
And the special guest
goblin, Orson Welles.
The fiendish, Arte Johnson.
With the psychic Ruth Buzzi.
The inhuman Alan Sues.
The late Lily Tomlin.
Plus the nearly
departed Dennis Allen.
Moldering in the grave,
Johnny Brown's body.
The haunting Ann Elder.
The bewitching Nancy Phillips
and the spirited Barbara Sharma
and me, I was Gary Owens.
Reminding you
that tonight's Boo-In
is coming to you
from the haunted world
of the unexplained,
unknown and uncalled for.
- [Arte] I called for it.
- Oh.
Is it the wind that
keeps creaking the door
What makes it seem
like you've lived it before
Is it coincidence
dimming the lights
Or just ghosts and
ghouls and things that
Go bump in the night
Something is making
the dogs start to howl
Something is putting
the cat on the prowl
Then there's a noise and
you're screaming with fright
Is it creepies and
crawlies and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
- Tonight I hope they have
somebody tasteful on the show.
Somebody I can
sink my teeth into.
(audience laughing)
- Every time
there's a full moon,
I turn into an animal
and chase women.
It's the only normal thing I do.
(howling)
- I'm having trouble
burying Count Dracula.
- Well you just can't
keep a good man down.
- We just had a few
people for dinner,
they were delicious.
(audience laughing)
(thunder)
(gasping)
- I see omens of bad luck
and signs of catastrophe.
Oh, I wonder if
it will come true.
(shattering)
(laughing)
Another triumph.
Bring your own donut
cause it's Halloween
And lots of weirdos
appear on the scene
Don't be afraid when
they claw and they bite
They're just ghosts and ghouls
And things that go bump
They're just gnomes and
elves and trolls with a hump
They're just zombies and
werewolves and vampires
That bump in the night
(audience applauding)
- I came back.
- I came back.
Dick, aren't you coming back?
(bottle opening)
- [Dick] I decided to stay here.
- [Woman] And I'm glad he did.
(chanting)
(coughing)
- I'm sorry honey, it's the
only doctor who would make
house calls.
(audience laughing)
(eerie music)
(coffin creaking)
- Blah, blah.
- Mervin that was magnificent.
(dogs barking)
(loud thump)
(audience laughing)
- Would you mind
holding my marshmallows,
in your teeth?
- Scalpel.
(electricity buzzing)
Sponge.
Soldering iron.
Crayon.
Brown shoes.
There Igor, it's
finished at last.
Wait, it's about to speak.
- Hi everybody,
I'm Glen Campbell.
(audience laughing)
- I just visited a
very strange house
inhabited with weird people.
They uttered all kinds
of unearthly sounds
and what they
said frightened me.
- Where were you?
The house of Dracula
in Transylvania?
- No, the house of
representatives in Washington.
- Ooo.
- Oh, Domala.
I see in my crystal ball
that you are going to live
a rich life
filled with
unexpected surprises.
(gasp)
There's one of them now.
- I see that is fantastic.
- Speaking of ghosts and
goblins, here's Dan Rowan.
- And speaking of things
that go bump in the night,
here's Dick Martin.
- And now direct
from Gluck's Hillside.
- Boo!
(yelling)
- You scared the
daylights out of me.
- Yeah that's the whole
purpose of tonight's show.
- Come on, you mean I
have to put up with that
for 60 minutes.
- Oh no, of course not.
There's a lot more
to the occult than boo
and silly jokes about
make-believe monsters.
How about an unexplainable
phenomenon like teleportation.
Where the mind can,
actually, move an object
just by thinking about it.
- Why, that happened to me
last week at Audrey's house.
- No fooling?
- Yeah.
- You mean something
moved through thinking?
- Yeah, Audrey said I
think I hear the front door
and boy did I move.
- Well, that's
not teleportation.
- No, it was her husband Bruno.
- I really don't think
we oughta call Bruno
an unexplainable phenomenon.
- I really don't think we
oughta call Bruno at all.
- I'm talking about
mysteries like deja vu.
Now that's when you do
something for the first time
but you get the feeling
that you've done it before.
- Ah, I got that
feeling Saturday night.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah?
- Well you see I had a date
with Audrey's twin sister.
- Well what's that got to do
with things happening before.
- Well she said I think
I heard the front door
and boy did I move.
(laughing)
Oh Dan, wait, wait, wait.
Wait I'm getting something.
- You're getting something.
- It's coming through,
it's coming through.
- What's coming through?
- It's Bruno coming
through the front door.
I'll meet you at the party.
(upbeat music)
- You know Orson,
none of us will ever forget
the program you did in 1939.
Was it 39?
- Yeah.
- You did a program that
horrified the entire nation.
- Yes but I only did it once.
You people have been
doing it every Monday night
for the past four years.
(audience laughing)
- You know you can always
tell a black ghost when
you see one.
They wear their
hair in a supernatural.
- I finished my first
horror movie last week.
It was a shocking experience.
It was suppose to be a musical.
- Oh wow, some of these
people, Dick, are enough to make
my flesh crawl.
- You think you could
get it to crawl my way.
- Lily, what are you doing
wearing that costume?
Flip Wilson made me
buy this dress, ha ha.
Woo-hoo.
(upbeat music)
- I heard Hubert Humphrey's
pulling the funniest
trick of the year.
He's gonna sneak into
Washington, late Halloween night,
tip over the White House.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles.
I am a big fan of yours.
- Thank you, little fella.
- Having you on the show
tonight makes me feel
five feet tall.
- Tell me Barbara, have you
ever been in a horror film?
- No but last week I was
in a real wild nude scene.
- What was the
name of the movie?
- Movie, movie?
(audience applauding)
- Beware of the big bad fairy.
Beware of the big bad fairy.
- Well, who is
the big bad fairy?
- He's the major of Fire Island.
- What's he do, fly into
your house in the middle
of the night and
rearrange your furniture.
- Yeah and if you're not
very careful he'll give you
a permanent.
(witch's cackle)
- Hi, it's me.
I went to a seance last night
and had to hold my own hand.
- May I help you, sir.
- Yes, I want a bloody Mary,
hold the Mary, okay.
(audience laughing)
Keep your astrology
And your chronology
Ouija boards, tarot
cards Parapsychology
Tell the clairvoyant
to leave us alone
Nothing can help when
we fear the unknown
Rosemary's baby's
been fooling around
Who knows if Dracula's
still underground
Is the invisible
man out of sight
With a ghost and
news and things that go
Bump in the night
- People ask me why
I wear this kind of hat.
Well it makes me look different.
If I didn't wear
this kind of hat
I'd look just like
everybody else, see.
(witch's cackle)
- That's the last time I'll
buy anything off the rack.
(audience laughing)
(thunder)
(pounding)
- I could kill the man
who sold me this coffin.
Come to think of it, I did.
You see ghosts and
ghouls and things that go
Bump in the night
(coffin creaking)
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(knocking)
- [Man At Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm Tom Jones
and I'm going to come
in there and hug and kiss
and caress you
passionately again and again
and again and again.
- What's the trick?
- [Man At Door]
That fourth again.
- Where can I see
the late Mrs. Margolis?
- She's reposing right in there.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh and, incidentally.
- Yes.
- What was wrong with her?
- She was dead.
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
(audience laughing)
- You got a match?
Oh, thank you.
Make a wish.
(witch's cackle)
(mumbling)
- Great.
He's trying to speak.
Speak to me my son.
Speak to me.
- I feel pretty, oh so pretty.
- I liked him better
as Glen Campbell.
(crickets chirping)
(gasping)
- The ace of spades, Domala.
Do you know what this means?
- Oh no.
- Do you know what this means?
- Oh no, no, don't tell me.
Not that.
- Yes.
Gin that means you
lose another hand.
- You're right, here you are.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Man At Door] Frank Sinatra.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm taking you
on a wild ring a ding weekend
to the plushiest
hotel in Las Vegas.
- Oh wow, what's the trick?
- [Man At Door] Sneaking
me pass the sheriff, the DA,
and the house dick.
- Welcome to radio's
Horror Theatre.
(rattling chains)
Professor Froklick was
working late in his study
when suddenly the door opened.
Looking up the professor
saw a hideous monster,
let out a scream of horror.
(screaming)
Before the poor Professor
Froklick could move
the monster grabbed
him by the throat.
A terrible struggle ensued.
The professor screamed
for help but to no avail.
Then he managed to break
free of the hideous monster's grip,
long enough to open
his guest drawer.
Where he removed his
revolver and fired six shots
into the beast.
But the professor's bullets
seemed to have no affect
on the indestructible
monstrosity.
As it carried the helpless lad
off to that strange place
that only monsters know
and so the door closes
on another episode
of Horror Theatre.
(audience laughing)
Nice work, Harry.
(audience applauding)
Who made Pocuri as rich as he is
Who lent the witchcraft
to richer than Liz
Who keeps Mae West
feeling naughty but bright
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
- This outfit just
screams for accessories.
(audience laughing)
- The villagers here
make a stake so tender
it would melt your heart.
- Don't cook tonight,
call casket delight.
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Man At Door] It's a
monster, trick or treat.
- What's a treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm going
to eat all your furniture,
set fire to your house and
break every bone in your body.
- That's a treat?
What's a trick?
- [Man At Door] While I'm
doing that I'm going to pull
a rabbit out of a hat.
(audience laughing)
- Hey what does
that taste like to you?
- It tastes like flour.
- You sure, taste it again.
- Flour.
- Huh, that's exactly
what I thought
but the label says arsenic.
(witch's cackle)
- Are you Madam Olga?
- Oh yes, I am.
- Thank heavens, I've traveled
20,000 miles to find you.
I've got a problem
and I've heard that you
possess certain strange powers.
(laughing)
- Yes I do.
I can make hair
grow on licorice.
- What else do you do?
- Well that's it, I told you
I had a strange power.
- [Johnny] Ahoy!
I'm Captain Kid and I'm
looking for an old sunken chest.
- I think she's
sitting next to me.
(audience laughing)
- [Door] Who was
the 13th president
of the United States?
- Dear, would you
answer the door.
- Millard Fillmore.
- Mr. Welles, may I ask
you a personal question?
How do you like Burbank?
- Medium rare with a
little Glendale on the side.
- Another Laugh-In handy hint,
the best thing to do when
you see a green monster
is to thump him
to see if he's ripe.
- Well that certainly
isn't my grandmother,
she played the alto.
- I'd like to make an
appointment for a haircut.
- Hmm, I'll put you down for
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
(wolf moaning)
- You know what pumpkin,
my name's Edith Ann
and my favorite day is Halloween
because you can be
a real pretend princess
and you could wear lipstick
and you could ring
doorbells and say boo
and you could get free candy.
You could get candy
corn and candy pills.
You could eat the
paper off the candy pills
it don't make you sick.
You know what.
My big sister ate so much
candy she had a baby.
That's what they think, I think
but babies don't
come from candy corn
and that's the truth.
(whistling)
- Oh.
From all theses
bumps I would say.
- Yes?
- Say yes, yes.
You are accident prone.
Right again.
- Somebody put
cement in my deodorant.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, I'm so happy.
I just got an obscene
message on my Ouija board.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You frightened me.
- I wonder if I could
see that nice old lady
I helped half way
across the street.
(audience laughing)
(pop goes the weasel tune)
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
- [Coffin Occupant] It's
alright, close the door please.
It's alright.
It's alright
and stay out.
- Mervin's, that's fair.
- Would you like a cigarette?
- No thanks, I don't smoke.
- Wanna bet.
- We'll be right back
with the second half
of the premiere presentation
of our 12th annual
Halloween Hellacast
as Laugh-In goes creepy
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Boo-In.
Right after this weird message.
- Hold it, I resent
the whole thing.
Laugh-In is giving
horror a bad name.
- I love it every year when
people wear funny costumes
and do wild, crazy things.
- You mean at a Halloween party?
- No, at an American
Legion Convention.
- I believe in
reincarnation and I have
ever since I was a young frog.
- You want to hear
something really frightening?
- What?
- They're actually
going to broadcast this.
- Don't be frightened my
children the worst is yet to come.
Watch this.
(crickets chirping)
(audience laughing)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go bump
Is it bats and rats
and spiders that jump
Is it creepies and
crawlies and creatures that
Bump in the night
(yelling)
- Yesterday I had a blood count
his name was Dracula.
He's over there.
(werewolf howling)
- I think I'll run down
to an AA meeting
and help a few
drunks sign the pledge.
(werewolf howling)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
- Mervin, that was magnificent.
(coffin creaking)
(upbeat music)
- What's that?
- Popcorn.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles, do you believe
in extrasensory perception?
- No, of course not.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
- Where were you born?
Oh dear.
(chanting)
- Doctor, I don't approve your
modern approach to medicine.
- Modern medicine has
progressed beyond your
primitive ways.
I'll take care of this case.
Mm-hmm, eat an apple every day,
get to bed by three.
- Say, that's a catchy
prescription you got there.
Take good care of yourself,
send the check to me,
me, me, me, me.
(humming)
(humming)
(crickets chirping)
- Johnny, are you superstitious?
- Well that depends.
- For example, are you
frightened when a black cat
walks in front of you?
- Now, you know, in my
neighborhood we don't see nothing
but black cats, maybe that's
why our luck's been so bad.
Mm.
(shrieking)
(shrieking)
Let's go out and
haunt the planetarium
Let's eat all the
fish in the aquarium
Rattle chains and
scare the sanitarium
That's how we do it
when we chose to do it
Let's do something
retched and deplorable
Leave while awful,
fiendish and adorable
Let's tonight do
something really horrible
Nothing is spookier
than la da dee da
Laugh-In with ghouls
Laugh-In belongs to the news
Here's Dan and Dick (shrieking)
- [Gary] And now ghost to ghost,
here's the Laugh-In
Halloween news
with Count Dracula
in Transylvania,
King Kong in New York,
Lon Chaney in the Wolfman
and Eddie Fisher in Bankruptcy.
- Good evening, I'm
Dan Rowan in Dallas,
haunted by Dick Martin.
- And I'm Dick Martin
in Coos Bay, Oregon,
haunted by my conscious
and here's the news.
- Here's a future news
item five days away.
New York city, a most unusual
crime took place in this city
on Halloween eve, when
a lady was arrested for
walking down 42nd
street stopping passersby
and asking trick or trick.
- Trick or trick.
- Dateline, Heathcliff,
Moors England,
Doctor Ignuts Silverman
today announced.
- [Dan] What's the name?
- Ignuts Silverman.
- [Dan] Oh yes.
- Dr. Ignuts Silverman
today announced completion
of his latest monster.
The creature is unaware
of the world around him
and has no emotions and
is, totally, insensitive to others.
On this basis, he
starts tomorrow
as a network vice
president in television.
- Dateline, Heathcliff,
Moors England.
Mad scientist
Dr. Ignuts Silverman
was arrested today for
conducting illegal experiments
in which he combined parts
of a pig with parts of a cow
and came up with a ham
and cheese sandwich.
- Now we take you to
our man in the moon.
- Cheese.
- Now for the news
in the past report.
We take you to the
laboratory of Dr. Frankenstein.
- Igor, I have failed.
I created a human
creature in the laboratory
and I neglected
to add a cranium.
I feel awful.
Howard, get me a beer.
- Shall I put a head on it?
(laughing)
- Igor, you'd better
straighten up.
- I can't.
- Woo woo.
Isn't that scary, ha!
Big Al here with some
final scores, featurette.
Ah, I thought I
lost that little tinkle.
Did you know that it
takes two to ding dong.
Woo hoo.
Well, anyway big Al here
has a Halloween score
from the college football field.
Columbia Lions eight,
Texas Christians eaten.
I'd hate to see that.
Ta-ta.
- And now here's our
ghoul on the gallop.
- I'm speaking to you
from the laboratory
where I'm about to
interview Dr. Ignuts Silverman
who has artificially
created life, a living creature.
This monster is said
to be very powerful
and very dangerous.
The creature of life is the
greatest accomplishment
of the century.
How did you do it
Dr. Ignuts Silverman?
- I'm not Dr. Ignuts Silverman.
That's Dr. Ignuts Silverman.
I am Gorgol.
- Back to you, Dan.
- Cleveland, Ohio, October 31.
Five days from now.
A new game is being planned
by the citizens of Cleveland
to celebrate
Halloween this year.
At midnight, everyone
plans to go down to lake Erie
and bob for beer cans.
(crickets chirping)
- Now to Arte Johnson
in New York city
for this story in progress.
- The 60 foot monster
chicken that has been
terrorizing New York city,
has finally been destroyed.
The huge killer
chicken was captured
and boiled to death by
a giant, Jewish mother.
- For our wrap up, take
it away Nancy Bickerson.
- The union of goblins,
ghosts, spooks and things
that go bump in the night,
declare that this Halloween
they must complete
all of their activities by dusk
because after the
six o'clock news
it's impossible to scare anyone.
- La da dee da,
ladies and gents.
Laugh-In look to the news.
(giggling)
There they are the
finalists in the Burbank
beauty contest.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
There's absolutely
no reason for alarm.
However, a group of
alien beings have landed
in a saucer like spacecraft
here in Burbank, California.
Officials have arrived on
the scene and we understand
that our reporter is
contacting the creatures
and we should be
receiving word momentarily.
I repeat there is no cause
for alarm at the present time.
They may be friendly.
- They're friendly, alright.
- Mrs. Bucksmith, I
wish you'd called me first.
- I'll just have a taxi drive
him around to the back.
- Mrs. Bucksmith,
you didn't have to bring
the dear departed
Mr. Bucksmith here in a taxi.
- Oh, yes I did.
I missed the bus.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles this is so,
for I, this is the,
you know what I am so excited.
The thing about it is
when I use to listen to you
on the radio, when
you were the shadow
that was, this is one
of the most exciting,
especially for a, I
mean when you would,
you know that,
when you would say.
First of all that sinister,
you know that ha ha.
You know when you
would say, "What evil."
It was the kind of thing
that would convey to a...
Especially to an
impressionable child.
You know what I was
talking when I back,
I said if only the thing
that I would trade.
If I could only make magical.
What I would like you to do.
What I have
dreamed, if you could.
If you could cloud, do what,
you know when you use to.
You would cloud people,
you would turn peoples.
You would cloud peoples.
You could cloud peoples.
Mr. Welles?
Oh, this is fantastic.
I knew this was so magical,
this is, he is,
actually be clouded.
Mr. Orson, he has
actually be clouded my...
he has be clouded my mind.
Oh!
Oh, Mr. Welles.
(drum roll)
- Who knows what evil
lurks in the hearts of man.
- The shadow do.
(rattling bones)
(coughing)
- Listen, you want
to help yourself?
You'll take two lizards everyday
and call me if you
don't get better.
- Lazarus is the world's
foremost authority on the
origin of superstitions
and I wonder if you
could tell us at this
time, how the superstition
that a rabbits foot brings
good luck got started.
- Unfortunately,
Dr. Lazarus isn't here.
He's a leper doctor, you know.
- Is that so.
- But I'm a master of rodentia.
Osbert Becham Place
Esquire at your service.
With regard to the question
to which you have eluded,
the superstition started
in the prehistoric days
when lepus cuniculus
or the bunny rabbits,
as we know them now,
were 30 to 40 feet high.
- My word.
- Now they use to come
around and they would jump
on the villagers and
kick them to pieces.
(audience laughing)
- That would do it.
- One day a caveman,
actually named Ogg,
had an idea.
He said the next
time one of those killer
bunny rabbits comes
or lepus cuniculus
comes around to kick
the village to pieces,
I'm going to jump him
and I'm going to pull him
to the ground
and cut off his foot.
Now all the villagers
said, good luck, Ogg.
His widow Milkey,
and his son Neg,
they went out and
they caught the wild cow
running in the neighborhood
and one day while
Milkey was mixing the milk,
Neg fell in the vat
and it was the first time
there was Neg in a Milkey milk.
(upbeat music)
- Now mother don't get excited.
- Oh, well of course
I'm excited Morris.
Our children are coming to
celebrate my 50th birthday.
Oh, it just doesn't seem
like 10 years since they
left home and got married.
Oh, I do hope they married well.
- You know it's a funny thing
they never sent any pictures.
Oh well, we'll find
out soon enough.
They'll be here soon, you know.
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
(screaming)
- Oh Morris, our children!
Look what they've married!
Morris.
How could you do
this to your mother?
I wanted you to marry
well and look what you've
ended up with.
- There, there, mother.
There, there.
- But a mother can forgive
and, after all, you
are my children.
Come here and
let mother hold you.
- Momma.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
- Dick, ghost stories
scare me so much
that I shake all over.
- Oh yeah, well come here then.
One dark stormy night
there were three ghosts.
(chattering teeth)
Good thing this
isn't a long story.
(witch's cackle)
- Gee Orson, how do
you keep your shape?
- Well, I watch what I eat.
Every morning I have
a cup of black coffee,
an english muffin
and a half a whale.
- Would you like to adopt a son?
- No but the shadow do.
(laughing)
(piano music)
- Peg of my heart.
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Man At Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm
gonna come in there
and shower you with jewels
and my entire fortune.
- What's the trick?
- [Man At Door]
I'm Eddie Fisher.
(thunder)
- Ah ha.
You may not believe
in the supernatural
but it was on
such a nice as this,
many years ago,
here in this very
mansion, safest castle,
something dreadful
happened to his lordship.
- To whom?
- Lord save us.
- God help us.
- Heaven protect us.
- Yes it was during a terrible
storm her ladyship awoke
thinking only of her
husbands safety.
She began feeling
around for his lordship.
- Quite right too.
- Very natural.
- Yes, she reached
across the bed.
There at the stroke of midnight,
she found that he was missing.
- Missing?
- At the stroke of midnight.
- Throughout that dreadful night
the ladyship searched the castle
with each step uttering
the cry, a woo, a woo.
- Why was she doing that?
- Bare feet on a cold floor.
- Horrible.
- For 25 years, like a
madwoman, she searched
and then 25 years
later, the very moment
at the stroke of midnight
she found him again.
- Imagine right
here in this castle.
- No, in a motel in Scranton,
Pennsylvania with a maid.
- Incredible, I
can't explain it.
- Funny, that's exactly
what his lordship said.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
- Now let me get
this straight miss,
it was a two headed
man who robbed you?
- That is correct, officer.
- Could you give
me his description?
- No, he had a pair of
pantyhose pulled over his heads.
- Oh, him again.
- And now would you care
to have your late husband
dressed in the wool
or the cotton suit?
- Well, better make it asbestos.
(bells ringing)
- Very interesting.
Did you ever in your
entire life see such a bunch
of ghouls, witches and monsters.
Just like the old days.
(laughing)
And the big fella could
have been my old Sargent.
(piano music)
- Peg of my heart.
- Unbelievable.
- Peg of my heart.
- Unbelievable.
- Peg of my heart.
- My Sargent wasn't that pretty.
(laughing)
(bells ringing)
(crickets chirping)
(upbeat music)
- Some of the youngsters
gave a Halloween party
for the local precinct.
Things got a little out
of hand when one of the
art students tried to carve
a smile on a pumpkin head
who turned out to be the chief.
It's an easy mistake.
Chief still had the candle
in his mouth from last year.
- Hollywood funerals
are so phony,
when an actor dies
they bury his stand-in
and his friends
send artificial flowers.
- Mr. Borgman, in my
experiments I stumbled onto
a phenomenal way to
create life in the laboratory,
unfortunately, my wife
walked in and caught us.
- Last night I had a
visitation from someone
from the other world.
- You mean a ghost?
- No, Truman Capote.
(upbeat music)
- You know I know a guy
who exercised regularly,
ate all the right
foods and he just took
excellent care of himself
and he died at the age of 40
but he died in perfect health.
(upbeat music)
- Nancy.
- Yeah.
- Why aren't you in a
Halloween costume?
- Well I wanted to come as a
ghost but daddy was wearing
the sheet to his
school board meeting.
Daddy is tacky.
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Welles, what are you
going to wear for Halloween?
- Well doctor, I thought
I would put on a pair
of paper panties and
go as a giant lamb chop.
(audience laughing)
- Hey let's know all sing
the frozen body song.
- Freeze a jolly good fellow.
That's so lousy.
(audience laughing)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
- What do you think
I'm doing ding dong,
I'm the Easter bunny
and I'm hiding my eggs.
- You dumb bunny, you've
got the wrong holiday.
Look, it's Halloween.
It's time for playing
tricks and playing pranks.
- Oh, well in that case.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
(howling)
(knocking)
- Yes.
- [Woman At
Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Woman At Door]
This is Raquel Welch.
I'm going to come in there
and smother you with affection.
- What's the trick?
- I lied.
- See I'm afraid I still don't
understand why, you see,
why you wanted your
late husband's ashes
put into this hourglass.
- Well, you see my
dear departed husband
never worked a day in his life.
Now he's finally
got something to do.
(alarm ringing)
- Oh dear, it's six
minutes past Herbie.
I'll be late with
my date with John.
- Goodbye.
- Okay Dick, now so
far, we've looked at some
pretty strange phenomenon
but now we're going to turn
to hypnotism.
- Oh, hogwash.
- What do you mean hogwash?
- Those other things may
have something to them
but hypnotism is balderdash.
- Sleep.
(audience laughing)
- Well I guess that dashes
his balder and with that,
let's take a mini
look at hypnotism.
- Now just stare at the watch
and keep looking at the watch
and concentrate.
- Golly gosh, is
it 8:10 already?
I'm missing Lucy.
- Now just stare at the watch.
- Okay Dick, come out of it.
- I told you, hogwash.
Absolute balderdash.
Hypnotism does not work.
- What are you talking
about, you've been in a trance,
I just brought you out of it.
- Oh, come on, nonsense.
Nothing could put
me to sleep that quick.
- Oh yeah.
Well now for this word
from our sponsors.
(drum roll)
(comedic music)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- My name's Las Vogel,
I came to pick up my suit.
- Suit, just a
minute sir, I'll see.
Gee, I'm terribly sorry.
- What do you mean you're sorry?
- Well I don't seem to have
anything here with your...
- I brought it in last
week for cleaning.
It was the one with the claw
marks on the right shoulder.
- Claw marks?
- Yes, the left
pant leg is missing
and it had some blood
stains down the front.
- Blood stains down the front.
- Yes, look I really
need that suit.
You see there's something
in the left hand pocket
that I have to feed.
- You have to feed it.
- Oh yes, you have to feed them.
Otherwise, they'll
crawl right out of there.
- Well perhaps I'd
better take a look.
- Please do.
(screaming)
She's found it.
- Here we are, sir.
- It's gone.
- Was it a scaly,
green creature,
with claws and
fangs about this big?
- Yes, yes.
- I'm sorry Mr. Las Vogel
but something crawled
out of the suit next
to yours and ate it.
- I can always make another one.
- Admit you're a witch.
- I am not.
- Oh, you are.
- No, no, please believe me.
- You're lying.
- No one calls me a liar.
(witch's cackle)
(comedic music)
(knocking)
(electricity buzzing)
- Igor get the door, will you?
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- That's close Igor,
you've almost got it.
(crickets chirping)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Orson.
Did you like the show?
- Oh, I loved it but you know
as a student of the occult,
I think I ought
to tell you that,
well fascinating as
all these subjects are,
these weird things,
there's no scientific
basis to most of it,
it's just an exercise
in hocus pocus.
- I guess Orson hocused
when he should have pocused.
- I guess so but that's
enough of ghosts, goblins
and things that go
bump in the night.
- Well I don't know
about ghosts and goblins
but I never get enough
of things that go...
- Just say goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight bump.
- Could you disappear again.
- Hey Orson, have you
heard of the wee folks
in the deep woods.
- Yes and I think the police
should do something about it.
- I had a date last night
with the invisible man
but I don't think he showed up.
I think he's here now.
Wow is he out of sight.
- I wish I were invisible,
I wouldn't be in this joke wall.
- Dan, when are
you gonna do one?
- Oh well if you
insist I'll do one now.
- Oh good.
- I hope you like it.
Hey what do you get if
you cross Katie Winters
with a grandfather clock?
- I don't know, what?
- The pit and the pendulum.
- Finally we have proof
of the existence of spirits
and ghosts.
You notice how the
things Mrs. Mitchell says
come back to haunt
the White House.
- Do you know what the
capital of Transylvania is, Annie?
- I have no idea.
- It's Pencildelphia.
- You know somebody
with my luck I'll probably be
reincarnated as a white
man, right after we take over.
- Oh no, a China-man
just crossed my path and
now I'm gonna have
seven years of bad laundry.
- Best comedian,
America, Dan Rowan.
Dick, they don't give
you enough to do.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna give
him something to do.
Is there a formula for
referring a life, Ruth?
- No but if you find one
get in Georgie Gessel, fast.
- Fast or you'll have
seven years of bad laundry.
- Is it true that a witch
doctor can turn a person
into a zombie.
- Yes but that's nothing,
daytime TV can do the same thing.
- Arte, what does a
rabbit wear for good luck?
- A Saint Christopher's foot.
(audience laughing)
(bells ringing)
(crickets chirping)
(coffin creaking)
- Boo.
- I am not afraid because
my president is always alert
to make sure all is well.
Thank you Mr. Agnew.
- This program was prerecorded.
Immediately following
tonight's showing
it will be flown to London
where it will be dipped in wax
and put on display along
side the other curiosities
in Madam Tussaud's
Chamber of Horrors.
(pop goes the weasel tune)
- Mr. Orson Welles.
- That's me.
- What a pleasure to see you.
It's an incosicable
night to see him.
- I heard that wolfgang.
I want you to know I
take no offense at remarks
about my bulk.
- Well that's alright.
Well that's very
democratic or so republican.
- However, I'm aware
that others may be sensitive
about their various
physical inadequacies.
- That's true.
- And I would be the last
one to make sport of them.
- Well I'm glad to hear that and
I want to apologize for
making my bad remarks.
- That's quite alright.
I forgive you, shorty.
- Peg of my heart.
(witch's cackle)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
People have always
been fascinated
by other dimensions of the mind
and exploring areas that
are strange, challenging
and unique.
Come with me as
Laugh-In takes a step
into the Twilight
Zone and presents
Rowan and Martin's Boo-In.
Here's Dan and Dick.
(audience applauding)
- You'll never guess
who it is, could ya.
- I thought you were Lillian.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight's a very special show.
In honor of Halloween,
we're going to deal with all
the occult arts,
witchcraft, sorcery, ghosts.
- Ah, ghosts, that's the spirit.
Ohh.
- Right, it's going to
be a festival of fantasy
and we've got the
perfect guest for it.
The master of magic,
student of the occult,
a man of great stature,
that impressive
figure, Orson Welles.
(audience applauding)
- Now I agree with
the great stature
but I'm not too
impressed with the figure.
(audience laughing)
- Good evening, Dan.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, creep.
(audience laughing)
- You heard that?
- Yes I heard that last remark.
- Mr. Welles, we're just
both delighted to have
you on the show tonight.
- Well I'm both
delighted to be on it.
I've been looking forward
to all that, you know,
well most of it.
That dousing with the
water, the jokes, the trap door
and above all, I can't
wait to do the Farkel.
- Oh no, no, wait.
Don't do that.
We're not going
to do that tonight.
No, tonight's a special night.
This is in honor of Halloween.
We're going to
explore the occult arts.
- What?
- Yes.
- Incur the forces of
witchcraft and sorcery.
- Oh, poo, pash and tush.
Just a lot of abracadabra.
- That word.
The cabalistic shibulus.
It's dangerous, even, to say it.
- Dangerous to say abracadabra.
(audience laughing)
- There see.
An omen.
- There's no such thing.
- But it happened
when I said abra...
I mean that word.
- What word?
- I forgot, some
cabalistic sibalith or other.
(audience laughing)
- It's a shear ke
wink a dink that's all.
- Maybe you're right, it
probably had nothing to do
with saying abracadabra.
- No.
He's gone.
- To recover him we shall
have to explore every art
of the occult worlds.
- Well we were going
to do that before.
- Well we better do it now
or we'll never get him back.
Follow me, abracadabra.
- [Dick] Hey, it's about
time you guys came by.
We got a show to do.
(witch's cackle)
- [Gary] Good
evening and welcome.
Tonight NBC, the
national bland corporation,
presents Rowan
and Martin's Boo-In.
(witch's cackle)
This room may look
empty but we are not alone.
For within these walls lurks,
the ghoulish Dan Rowan
and the ghastly Dick Martin.
- Boo.
- Help.
And the special guest
goblin, Orson Welles.
The fiendish, Arte Johnson.
With the psychic Ruth Buzzi.
The inhuman Alan Sues.
The late Lily Tomlin.
Plus the nearly
departed Dennis Allen.
Moldering in the grave,
Johnny Brown's body.
The haunting Ann Elder.
The bewitching Nancy Phillips
and the spirited Barbara Sharma
and me, I was Gary Owens.
Reminding you
that tonight's Boo-In
is coming to you
from the haunted world
of the unexplained,
unknown and uncalled for.
- [Arte] I called for it.
- Oh.
Is it the wind that
keeps creaking the door
What makes it seem
like you've lived it before
Is it coincidence
dimming the lights
Or just ghosts and
ghouls and things that
Go bump in the night
Something is making
the dogs start to howl
Something is putting
the cat on the prowl
Then there's a noise and
you're screaming with fright
Is it creepies and
crawlies and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
- Tonight I hope they have
somebody tasteful on the show.
Somebody I can
sink my teeth into.
(audience laughing)
- Every time
there's a full moon,
I turn into an animal
and chase women.
It's the only normal thing I do.
(howling)
- I'm having trouble
burying Count Dracula.
- Well you just can't
keep a good man down.
- We just had a few
people for dinner,
they were delicious.
(audience laughing)
(thunder)
(gasping)
- I see omens of bad luck
and signs of catastrophe.
Oh, I wonder if
it will come true.
(shattering)
(laughing)
Another triumph.
Bring your own donut
cause it's Halloween
And lots of weirdos
appear on the scene
Don't be afraid when
they claw and they bite
They're just ghosts and ghouls
And things that go bump
They're just gnomes and
elves and trolls with a hump
They're just zombies and
werewolves and vampires
That bump in the night
(audience applauding)
- I came back.
- I came back.
Dick, aren't you coming back?
(bottle opening)
- [Dick] I decided to stay here.
- [Woman] And I'm glad he did.
(chanting)
(coughing)
- I'm sorry honey, it's the
only doctor who would make
house calls.
(audience laughing)
(eerie music)
(coffin creaking)
- Blah, blah.
- Mervin that was magnificent.
(dogs barking)
(loud thump)
(audience laughing)
- Would you mind
holding my marshmallows,
in your teeth?
- Scalpel.
(electricity buzzing)
Sponge.
Soldering iron.
Crayon.
Brown shoes.
There Igor, it's
finished at last.
Wait, it's about to speak.
- Hi everybody,
I'm Glen Campbell.
(audience laughing)
- I just visited a
very strange house
inhabited with weird people.
They uttered all kinds
of unearthly sounds
and what they
said frightened me.
- Where were you?
The house of Dracula
in Transylvania?
- No, the house of
representatives in Washington.
- Ooo.
- Oh, Domala.
I see in my crystal ball
that you are going to live
a rich life
filled with
unexpected surprises.
(gasp)
There's one of them now.
- I see that is fantastic.
- Speaking of ghosts and
goblins, here's Dan Rowan.
- And speaking of things
that go bump in the night,
here's Dick Martin.
- And now direct
from Gluck's Hillside.
- Boo!
(yelling)
- You scared the
daylights out of me.
- Yeah that's the whole
purpose of tonight's show.
- Come on, you mean I
have to put up with that
for 60 minutes.
- Oh no, of course not.
There's a lot more
to the occult than boo
and silly jokes about
make-believe monsters.
How about an unexplainable
phenomenon like teleportation.
Where the mind can,
actually, move an object
just by thinking about it.
- Why, that happened to me
last week at Audrey's house.
- No fooling?
- Yeah.
- You mean something
moved through thinking?
- Yeah, Audrey said I
think I hear the front door
and boy did I move.
- Well, that's
not teleportation.
- No, it was her husband Bruno.
- I really don't think
we oughta call Bruno
an unexplainable phenomenon.
- I really don't think we
oughta call Bruno at all.
- I'm talking about
mysteries like deja vu.
Now that's when you do
something for the first time
but you get the feeling
that you've done it before.
- Ah, I got that
feeling Saturday night.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah?
- Well you see I had a date
with Audrey's twin sister.
- Well what's that got to do
with things happening before.
- Well she said I think
I heard the front door
and boy did I move.
(laughing)
Oh Dan, wait, wait, wait.
Wait I'm getting something.
- You're getting something.
- It's coming through,
it's coming through.
- What's coming through?
- It's Bruno coming
through the front door.
I'll meet you at the party.
(upbeat music)
- You know Orson,
none of us will ever forget
the program you did in 1939.
Was it 39?
- Yeah.
- You did a program that
horrified the entire nation.
- Yes but I only did it once.
You people have been
doing it every Monday night
for the past four years.
(audience laughing)
- You know you can always
tell a black ghost when
you see one.
They wear their
hair in a supernatural.
- I finished my first
horror movie last week.
It was a shocking experience.
It was suppose to be a musical.
- Oh wow, some of these
people, Dick, are enough to make
my flesh crawl.
- You think you could
get it to crawl my way.
- Lily, what are you doing
wearing that costume?
Flip Wilson made me
buy this dress, ha ha.
Woo-hoo.
(upbeat music)
- I heard Hubert Humphrey's
pulling the funniest
trick of the year.
He's gonna sneak into
Washington, late Halloween night,
tip over the White House.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles.
I am a big fan of yours.
- Thank you, little fella.
- Having you on the show
tonight makes me feel
five feet tall.
- Tell me Barbara, have you
ever been in a horror film?
- No but last week I was
in a real wild nude scene.
- What was the
name of the movie?
- Movie, movie?
(audience applauding)
- Beware of the big bad fairy.
Beware of the big bad fairy.
- Well, who is
the big bad fairy?
- He's the major of Fire Island.
- What's he do, fly into
your house in the middle
of the night and
rearrange your furniture.
- Yeah and if you're not
very careful he'll give you
a permanent.
(witch's cackle)
- Hi, it's me.
I went to a seance last night
and had to hold my own hand.
- May I help you, sir.
- Yes, I want a bloody Mary,
hold the Mary, okay.
(audience laughing)
Keep your astrology
And your chronology
Ouija boards, tarot
cards Parapsychology
Tell the clairvoyant
to leave us alone
Nothing can help when
we fear the unknown
Rosemary's baby's
been fooling around
Who knows if Dracula's
still underground
Is the invisible
man out of sight
With a ghost and
news and things that go
Bump in the night
- People ask me why
I wear this kind of hat.
Well it makes me look different.
If I didn't wear
this kind of hat
I'd look just like
everybody else, see.
(witch's cackle)
- That's the last time I'll
buy anything off the rack.
(audience laughing)
(thunder)
(pounding)
- I could kill the man
who sold me this coffin.
Come to think of it, I did.
You see ghosts and
ghouls and things that go
Bump in the night
(coffin creaking)
(audience laughing)
(comedic music)
(knocking)
- [Man At Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm Tom Jones
and I'm going to come
in there and hug and kiss
and caress you
passionately again and again
and again and again.
- What's the trick?
- [Man At Door]
That fourth again.
- Where can I see
the late Mrs. Margolis?
- She's reposing right in there.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh and, incidentally.
- Yes.
- What was wrong with her?
- She was dead.
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
(audience laughing)
- You got a match?
Oh, thank you.
Make a wish.
(witch's cackle)
(mumbling)
- Great.
He's trying to speak.
Speak to me my son.
Speak to me.
- I feel pretty, oh so pretty.
- I liked him better
as Glen Campbell.
(crickets chirping)
(gasping)
- The ace of spades, Domala.
Do you know what this means?
- Oh no.
- Do you know what this means?
- Oh no, no, don't tell me.
Not that.
- Yes.
Gin that means you
lose another hand.
- You're right, here you are.
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(knocking)
- Who's there?
- [Man At Door] Frank Sinatra.
Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm taking you
on a wild ring a ding weekend
to the plushiest
hotel in Las Vegas.
- Oh wow, what's the trick?
- [Man At Door] Sneaking
me pass the sheriff, the DA,
and the house dick.
- Welcome to radio's
Horror Theatre.
(rattling chains)
Professor Froklick was
working late in his study
when suddenly the door opened.
Looking up the professor
saw a hideous monster,
let out a scream of horror.
(screaming)
Before the poor Professor
Froklick could move
the monster grabbed
him by the throat.
A terrible struggle ensued.
The professor screamed
for help but to no avail.
Then he managed to break
free of the hideous monster's grip,
long enough to open
his guest drawer.
Where he removed his
revolver and fired six shots
into the beast.
But the professor's bullets
seemed to have no affect
on the indestructible
monstrosity.
As it carried the helpless lad
off to that strange place
that only monsters know
and so the door closes
on another episode
of Horror Theatre.
(audience laughing)
Nice work, Harry.
(audience applauding)
Who made Pocuri as rich as he is
Who lent the witchcraft
to richer than Liz
Who keeps Mae West
feeling naughty but bright
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
- This outfit just
screams for accessories.
(audience laughing)
- The villagers here
make a stake so tender
it would melt your heart.
- Don't cook tonight,
call casket delight.
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(thunder)
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Man At Door] It's a
monster, trick or treat.
- What's a treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm going
to eat all your furniture,
set fire to your house and
break every bone in your body.
- That's a treat?
What's a trick?
- [Man At Door] While I'm
doing that I'm going to pull
a rabbit out of a hat.
(audience laughing)
- Hey what does
that taste like to you?
- It tastes like flour.
- You sure, taste it again.
- Flour.
- Huh, that's exactly
what I thought
but the label says arsenic.
(witch's cackle)
- Are you Madam Olga?
- Oh yes, I am.
- Thank heavens, I've traveled
20,000 miles to find you.
I've got a problem
and I've heard that you
possess certain strange powers.
(laughing)
- Yes I do.
I can make hair
grow on licorice.
- What else do you do?
- Well that's it, I told you
I had a strange power.
- [Johnny] Ahoy!
I'm Captain Kid and I'm
looking for an old sunken chest.
- I think she's
sitting next to me.
(audience laughing)
- [Door] Who was
the 13th president
of the United States?
- Dear, would you
answer the door.
- Millard Fillmore.
- Mr. Welles, may I ask
you a personal question?
How do you like Burbank?
- Medium rare with a
little Glendale on the side.
- Another Laugh-In handy hint,
the best thing to do when
you see a green monster
is to thump him
to see if he's ripe.
- Well that certainly
isn't my grandmother,
she played the alto.
- I'd like to make an
appointment for a haircut.
- Hmm, I'll put you down for
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
(wolf moaning)
- You know what pumpkin,
my name's Edith Ann
and my favorite day is Halloween
because you can be
a real pretend princess
and you could wear lipstick
and you could ring
doorbells and say boo
and you could get free candy.
You could get candy
corn and candy pills.
You could eat the
paper off the candy pills
it don't make you sick.
You know what.
My big sister ate so much
candy she had a baby.
That's what they think, I think
but babies don't
come from candy corn
and that's the truth.
(whistling)
- Oh.
From all theses
bumps I would say.
- Yes?
- Say yes, yes.
You are accident prone.
Right again.
- Somebody put
cement in my deodorant.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, I'm so happy.
I just got an obscene
message on my Ouija board.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You frightened me.
- I wonder if I could
see that nice old lady
I helped half way
across the street.
(audience laughing)
(pop goes the weasel tune)
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
- [Coffin Occupant] It's
alright, close the door please.
It's alright.
It's alright
and stay out.
- Mervin's, that's fair.
- Would you like a cigarette?
- No thanks, I don't smoke.
- Wanna bet.
- We'll be right back
with the second half
of the premiere presentation
of our 12th annual
Halloween Hellacast
as Laugh-In goes creepy
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Boo-In.
Right after this weird message.
- Hold it, I resent
the whole thing.
Laugh-In is giving
horror a bad name.
- I love it every year when
people wear funny costumes
and do wild, crazy things.
- You mean at a Halloween party?
- No, at an American
Legion Convention.
- I believe in
reincarnation and I have
ever since I was a young frog.
- You want to hear
something really frightening?
- What?
- They're actually
going to broadcast this.
- Don't be frightened my
children the worst is yet to come.
Watch this.
(crickets chirping)
(audience laughing)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go bump
Is it bats and rats
and spiders that jump
Is it creepies and
crawlies and creatures that
Bump in the night
(yelling)
- Yesterday I had a blood count
his name was Dracula.
He's over there.
(werewolf howling)
- I think I'll run down
to an AA meeting
and help a few
drunks sign the pledge.
(werewolf howling)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
(spooky music)
(coffin creaking)
- Mervin, that was magnificent.
(coffin creaking)
(upbeat music)
- What's that?
- Popcorn.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles, do you believe
in extrasensory perception?
- No, of course not.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
- Where were you born?
Oh dear.
(chanting)
- Doctor, I don't approve your
modern approach to medicine.
- Modern medicine has
progressed beyond your
primitive ways.
I'll take care of this case.
Mm-hmm, eat an apple every day,
get to bed by three.
- Say, that's a catchy
prescription you got there.
Take good care of yourself,
send the check to me,
me, me, me, me.
(humming)
(humming)
(crickets chirping)
- Johnny, are you superstitious?
- Well that depends.
- For example, are you
frightened when a black cat
walks in front of you?
- Now, you know, in my
neighborhood we don't see nothing
but black cats, maybe that's
why our luck's been so bad.
Mm.
(shrieking)
(shrieking)
Let's go out and
haunt the planetarium
Let's eat all the
fish in the aquarium
Rattle chains and
scare the sanitarium
That's how we do it
when we chose to do it
Let's do something
retched and deplorable
Leave while awful,
fiendish and adorable
Let's tonight do
something really horrible
Nothing is spookier
than la da dee da
Laugh-In with ghouls
Laugh-In belongs to the news
Here's Dan and Dick (shrieking)
- [Gary] And now ghost to ghost,
here's the Laugh-In
Halloween news
with Count Dracula
in Transylvania,
King Kong in New York,
Lon Chaney in the Wolfman
and Eddie Fisher in Bankruptcy.
- Good evening, I'm
Dan Rowan in Dallas,
haunted by Dick Martin.
- And I'm Dick Martin
in Coos Bay, Oregon,
haunted by my conscious
and here's the news.
- Here's a future news
item five days away.
New York city, a most unusual
crime took place in this city
on Halloween eve, when
a lady was arrested for
walking down 42nd
street stopping passersby
and asking trick or trick.
- Trick or trick.
- Dateline, Heathcliff,
Moors England,
Doctor Ignuts Silverman
today announced.
- [Dan] What's the name?
- Ignuts Silverman.
- [Dan] Oh yes.
- Dr. Ignuts Silverman
today announced completion
of his latest monster.
The creature is unaware
of the world around him
and has no emotions and
is, totally, insensitive to others.
On this basis, he
starts tomorrow
as a network vice
president in television.
- Dateline, Heathcliff,
Moors England.
Mad scientist
Dr. Ignuts Silverman
was arrested today for
conducting illegal experiments
in which he combined parts
of a pig with parts of a cow
and came up with a ham
and cheese sandwich.
- Now we take you to
our man in the moon.
- Cheese.
- Now for the news
in the past report.
We take you to the
laboratory of Dr. Frankenstein.
- Igor, I have failed.
I created a human
creature in the laboratory
and I neglected
to add a cranium.
I feel awful.
Howard, get me a beer.
- Shall I put a head on it?
(laughing)
- Igor, you'd better
straighten up.
- I can't.
- Woo woo.
Isn't that scary, ha!
Big Al here with some
final scores, featurette.
Ah, I thought I
lost that little tinkle.
Did you know that it
takes two to ding dong.
Woo hoo.
Well, anyway big Al here
has a Halloween score
from the college football field.
Columbia Lions eight,
Texas Christians eaten.
I'd hate to see that.
Ta-ta.
- And now here's our
ghoul on the gallop.
- I'm speaking to you
from the laboratory
where I'm about to
interview Dr. Ignuts Silverman
who has artificially
created life, a living creature.
This monster is said
to be very powerful
and very dangerous.
The creature of life is the
greatest accomplishment
of the century.
How did you do it
Dr. Ignuts Silverman?
- I'm not Dr. Ignuts Silverman.
That's Dr. Ignuts Silverman.
I am Gorgol.
- Back to you, Dan.
- Cleveland, Ohio, October 31.
Five days from now.
A new game is being planned
by the citizens of Cleveland
to celebrate
Halloween this year.
At midnight, everyone
plans to go down to lake Erie
and bob for beer cans.
(crickets chirping)
- Now to Arte Johnson
in New York city
for this story in progress.
- The 60 foot monster
chicken that has been
terrorizing New York city,
has finally been destroyed.
The huge killer
chicken was captured
and boiled to death by
a giant, Jewish mother.
- For our wrap up, take
it away Nancy Bickerson.
- The union of goblins,
ghosts, spooks and things
that go bump in the night,
declare that this Halloween
they must complete
all of their activities by dusk
because after the
six o'clock news
it's impossible to scare anyone.
- La da dee da,
ladies and gents.
Laugh-In look to the news.
(giggling)
There they are the
finalists in the Burbank
beauty contest.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
There's absolutely
no reason for alarm.
However, a group of
alien beings have landed
in a saucer like spacecraft
here in Burbank, California.
Officials have arrived on
the scene and we understand
that our reporter is
contacting the creatures
and we should be
receiving word momentarily.
I repeat there is no cause
for alarm at the present time.
They may be friendly.
- They're friendly, alright.
- Mrs. Bucksmith, I
wish you'd called me first.
- I'll just have a taxi drive
him around to the back.
- Mrs. Bucksmith,
you didn't have to bring
the dear departed
Mr. Bucksmith here in a taxi.
- Oh, yes I did.
I missed the bus.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Welles this is so,
for I, this is the,
you know what I am so excited.
The thing about it is
when I use to listen to you
on the radio, when
you were the shadow
that was, this is one
of the most exciting,
especially for a, I
mean when you would,
you know that,
when you would say.
First of all that sinister,
you know that ha ha.
You know when you
would say, "What evil."
It was the kind of thing
that would convey to a...
Especially to an
impressionable child.
You know what I was
talking when I back,
I said if only the thing
that I would trade.
If I could only make magical.
What I would like you to do.
What I have
dreamed, if you could.
If you could cloud, do what,
you know when you use to.
You would cloud people,
you would turn peoples.
You would cloud peoples.
You could cloud peoples.
Mr. Welles?
Oh, this is fantastic.
I knew this was so magical,
this is, he is,
actually be clouded.
Mr. Orson, he has
actually be clouded my...
he has be clouded my mind.
Oh!
Oh, Mr. Welles.
(drum roll)
- Who knows what evil
lurks in the hearts of man.
- The shadow do.
(rattling bones)
(coughing)
- Listen, you want
to help yourself?
You'll take two lizards everyday
and call me if you
don't get better.
- Lazarus is the world's
foremost authority on the
origin of superstitions
and I wonder if you
could tell us at this
time, how the superstition
that a rabbits foot brings
good luck got started.
- Unfortunately,
Dr. Lazarus isn't here.
He's a leper doctor, you know.
- Is that so.
- But I'm a master of rodentia.
Osbert Becham Place
Esquire at your service.
With regard to the question
to which you have eluded,
the superstition started
in the prehistoric days
when lepus cuniculus
or the bunny rabbits,
as we know them now,
were 30 to 40 feet high.
- My word.
- Now they use to come
around and they would jump
on the villagers and
kick them to pieces.
(audience laughing)
- That would do it.
- One day a caveman,
actually named Ogg,
had an idea.
He said the next
time one of those killer
bunny rabbits comes
or lepus cuniculus
comes around to kick
the village to pieces,
I'm going to jump him
and I'm going to pull him
to the ground
and cut off his foot.
Now all the villagers
said, good luck, Ogg.
His widow Milkey,
and his son Neg,
they went out and
they caught the wild cow
running in the neighborhood
and one day while
Milkey was mixing the milk,
Neg fell in the vat
and it was the first time
there was Neg in a Milkey milk.
(upbeat music)
- Now mother don't get excited.
- Oh, well of course
I'm excited Morris.
Our children are coming to
celebrate my 50th birthday.
Oh, it just doesn't seem
like 10 years since they
left home and got married.
Oh, I do hope they married well.
- You know it's a funny thing
they never sent any pictures.
Oh well, we'll find
out soon enough.
They'll be here soon, you know.
(doorbell ringing)
- Come in.
(screaming)
- Oh Morris, our children!
Look what they've married!
Morris.
How could you do
this to your mother?
I wanted you to marry
well and look what you've
ended up with.
- There, there, mother.
There, there.
- But a mother can forgive
and, after all, you
are my children.
Come here and
let mother hold you.
- Momma.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
- Dick, ghost stories
scare me so much
that I shake all over.
- Oh yeah, well come here then.
One dark stormy night
there were three ghosts.
(chattering teeth)
Good thing this
isn't a long story.
(witch's cackle)
- Gee Orson, how do
you keep your shape?
- Well, I watch what I eat.
Every morning I have
a cup of black coffee,
an english muffin
and a half a whale.
- Would you like to adopt a son?
- No but the shadow do.
(laughing)
(piano music)
- Peg of my heart.
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Man At Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Man At Door] I'm
gonna come in there
and shower you with jewels
and my entire fortune.
- What's the trick?
- [Man At Door]
I'm Eddie Fisher.
(thunder)
- Ah ha.
You may not believe
in the supernatural
but it was on
such a nice as this,
many years ago,
here in this very
mansion, safest castle,
something dreadful
happened to his lordship.
- To whom?
- Lord save us.
- God help us.
- Heaven protect us.
- Yes it was during a terrible
storm her ladyship awoke
thinking only of her
husbands safety.
She began feeling
around for his lordship.
- Quite right too.
- Very natural.
- Yes, she reached
across the bed.
There at the stroke of midnight,
she found that he was missing.
- Missing?
- At the stroke of midnight.
- Throughout that dreadful night
the ladyship searched the castle
with each step uttering
the cry, a woo, a woo.
- Why was she doing that?
- Bare feet on a cold floor.
- Horrible.
- For 25 years, like a
madwoman, she searched
and then 25 years
later, the very moment
at the stroke of midnight
she found him again.
- Imagine right
here in this castle.
- No, in a motel in Scranton,
Pennsylvania with a maid.
- Incredible, I
can't explain it.
- Funny, that's exactly
what his lordship said.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
- Now let me get
this straight miss,
it was a two headed
man who robbed you?
- That is correct, officer.
- Could you give
me his description?
- No, he had a pair of
pantyhose pulled over his heads.
- Oh, him again.
- And now would you care
to have your late husband
dressed in the wool
or the cotton suit?
- Well, better make it asbestos.
(bells ringing)
- Very interesting.
Did you ever in your
entire life see such a bunch
of ghouls, witches and monsters.
Just like the old days.
(laughing)
And the big fella could
have been my old Sargent.
(piano music)
- Peg of my heart.
- Unbelievable.
- Peg of my heart.
- Unbelievable.
- Peg of my heart.
- My Sargent wasn't that pretty.
(laughing)
(bells ringing)
(crickets chirping)
(upbeat music)
- Some of the youngsters
gave a Halloween party
for the local precinct.
Things got a little out
of hand when one of the
art students tried to carve
a smile on a pumpkin head
who turned out to be the chief.
It's an easy mistake.
Chief still had the candle
in his mouth from last year.
- Hollywood funerals
are so phony,
when an actor dies
they bury his stand-in
and his friends
send artificial flowers.
- Mr. Borgman, in my
experiments I stumbled onto
a phenomenal way to
create life in the laboratory,
unfortunately, my wife
walked in and caught us.
- Last night I had a
visitation from someone
from the other world.
- You mean a ghost?
- No, Truman Capote.
(upbeat music)
- You know I know a guy
who exercised regularly,
ate all the right
foods and he just took
excellent care of himself
and he died at the age of 40
but he died in perfect health.
(upbeat music)
- Nancy.
- Yeah.
- Why aren't you in a
Halloween costume?
- Well I wanted to come as a
ghost but daddy was wearing
the sheet to his
school board meeting.
Daddy is tacky.
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Welles, what are you
going to wear for Halloween?
- Well doctor, I thought
I would put on a pair
of paper panties and
go as a giant lamb chop.
(audience laughing)
- Hey let's know all sing
the frozen body song.
- Freeze a jolly good fellow.
That's so lousy.
(audience laughing)
Is it ghosts and ghouls
and things that go
Bump in the night
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
- What do you think
I'm doing ding dong,
I'm the Easter bunny
and I'm hiding my eggs.
- You dumb bunny, you've
got the wrong holiday.
Look, it's Halloween.
It's time for playing
tricks and playing pranks.
- Oh, well in that case.
(audience laughing)
(crickets chirping)
(howling)
(knocking)
- Yes.
- [Woman At
Door] Trick or treat.
- What's the treat?
- [Woman At Door]
This is Raquel Welch.
I'm going to come in there
and smother you with affection.
- What's the trick?
- I lied.
- See I'm afraid I still don't
understand why, you see,
why you wanted your
late husband's ashes
put into this hourglass.
- Well, you see my
dear departed husband
never worked a day in his life.
Now he's finally
got something to do.
(alarm ringing)
- Oh dear, it's six
minutes past Herbie.
I'll be late with
my date with John.
- Goodbye.
- Okay Dick, now so
far, we've looked at some
pretty strange phenomenon
but now we're going to turn
to hypnotism.
- Oh, hogwash.
- What do you mean hogwash?
- Those other things may
have something to them
but hypnotism is balderdash.
- Sleep.
(audience laughing)
- Well I guess that dashes
his balder and with that,
let's take a mini
look at hypnotism.
- Now just stare at the watch
and keep looking at the watch
and concentrate.
- Golly gosh, is
it 8:10 already?
I'm missing Lucy.
- Now just stare at the watch.
- Okay Dick, come out of it.
- I told you, hogwash.
Absolute balderdash.
Hypnotism does not work.
- What are you talking
about, you've been in a trance,
I just brought you out of it.
- Oh, come on, nonsense.
Nothing could put
me to sleep that quick.
- Oh yeah.
Well now for this word
from our sponsors.
(drum roll)
(comedic music)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- My name's Las Vogel,
I came to pick up my suit.
- Suit, just a
minute sir, I'll see.
Gee, I'm terribly sorry.
- What do you mean you're sorry?
- Well I don't seem to have
anything here with your...
- I brought it in last
week for cleaning.
It was the one with the claw
marks on the right shoulder.
- Claw marks?
- Yes, the left
pant leg is missing
and it had some blood
stains down the front.
- Blood stains down the front.
- Yes, look I really
need that suit.
You see there's something
in the left hand pocket
that I have to feed.
- You have to feed it.
- Oh yes, you have to feed them.
Otherwise, they'll
crawl right out of there.
- Well perhaps I'd
better take a look.
- Please do.
(screaming)
She's found it.
- Here we are, sir.
- It's gone.
- Was it a scaly,
green creature,
with claws and
fangs about this big?
- Yes, yes.
- I'm sorry Mr. Las Vogel
but something crawled
out of the suit next
to yours and ate it.
- I can always make another one.
- Admit you're a witch.
- I am not.
- Oh, you are.
- No, no, please believe me.
- You're lying.
- No one calls me a liar.
(witch's cackle)
(comedic music)
(knocking)
(electricity buzzing)
- Igor get the door, will you?
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
- That's close Igor,
you've almost got it.
(crickets chirping)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight Orson.
Did you like the show?
- Oh, I loved it but you know
as a student of the occult,
I think I ought
to tell you that,
well fascinating as
all these subjects are,
these weird things,
there's no scientific
basis to most of it,
it's just an exercise
in hocus pocus.
- I guess Orson hocused
when he should have pocused.
- I guess so but that's
enough of ghosts, goblins
and things that go
bump in the night.
- Well I don't know
about ghosts and goblins
but I never get enough
of things that go...
- Just say goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight bump.
- Could you disappear again.
- Hey Orson, have you
heard of the wee folks
in the deep woods.
- Yes and I think the police
should do something about it.
- I had a date last night
with the invisible man
but I don't think he showed up.
I think he's here now.
Wow is he out of sight.
- I wish I were invisible,
I wouldn't be in this joke wall.
- Dan, when are
you gonna do one?
- Oh well if you
insist I'll do one now.
- Oh good.
- I hope you like it.
Hey what do you get if
you cross Katie Winters
with a grandfather clock?
- I don't know, what?
- The pit and the pendulum.
- Finally we have proof
of the existence of spirits
and ghosts.
You notice how the
things Mrs. Mitchell says
come back to haunt
the White House.
- Do you know what the
capital of Transylvania is, Annie?
- I have no idea.
- It's Pencildelphia.
- You know somebody
with my luck I'll probably be
reincarnated as a white
man, right after we take over.
- Oh no, a China-man
just crossed my path and
now I'm gonna have
seven years of bad laundry.
- Best comedian,
America, Dan Rowan.
Dick, they don't give
you enough to do.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna give
him something to do.
Is there a formula for
referring a life, Ruth?
- No but if you find one
get in Georgie Gessel, fast.
- Fast or you'll have
seven years of bad laundry.
- Is it true that a witch
doctor can turn a person
into a zombie.
- Yes but that's nothing,
daytime TV can do the same thing.
- Arte, what does a
rabbit wear for good luck?
- A Saint Christopher's foot.
(audience laughing)
(bells ringing)
(crickets chirping)
(coffin creaking)
- Boo.
- I am not afraid because
my president is always alert
to make sure all is well.
Thank you Mr. Agnew.
- This program was prerecorded.
Immediately following
tonight's showing
it will be flown to London
where it will be dipped in wax
and put on display along
side the other curiosities
in Madam Tussaud's
Chamber of Horrors.
(pop goes the weasel tune)
- Mr. Orson Welles.
- That's me.
- What a pleasure to see you.
It's an incosicable
night to see him.
- I heard that wolfgang.
I want you to know I
take no offense at remarks
about my bulk.
- Well that's alright.
Well that's very
democratic or so republican.
- However, I'm aware
that others may be sensitive
about their various
physical inadequacies.
- That's true.
- And I would be the last
one to make sport of them.
- Well I'm glad to hear that and
I want to apologize for
making my bad remarks.
- That's quite alright.
I forgive you, shorty.
- Peg of my heart.
(witch's cackle)