Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #4.5 - full transcript
(bright orchestral music)
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience applauding)
(yelling)
- You're really going to
have to restrain yourselves.
- My ears!
- That's enough!
- Please.
- That's enough.
- They must think it's
the Gale Storm Show.
- I don't know.
(audience laughing)
- Never heard such a row.
- It returns.
- Yes.
Ladies and germs... - Gentlemen.
- Gentlemen. (audience laughing)
Our guest tonight,
our guest star tonight
is one of the funniest...
- Yes, and he's a star.
Oh, he's a star.
- Oh, indeed-y do.
One of the funniest
men in the business,
one of the nicest...
- Funny.
- Guys we know.
- Nice.
- Tim Conway!
- Tim Conway!
(audience applauding)
There you are, Tim.
- Hello.
- Welcome to the show.
- Yeah buddy, we've been
looking forward to tonight.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
I'm really very
excited to be here.
- That's how you look
when you're excited, huh?
- Yeah, this is about as excited
as I get.
- Well, we're excited.
Hey not only that,
(audience laughing)
but a lot of the kids can't wait
to see you, say hello to you.
Here's Arte Johnson.
- Jim, good luck on
your new show, Jimmy.
- It's Tim.
- Ruth Buzzi.
- Oh, I'm so happy
for you, John.
(audience laughing)
- Henry Gibson.
- Keep punching, Tony.
(audience laughing)
- Tim.
- Alan Sues.
- Oh, Tom, your show's
gonna be a little slice of heaven.
(audience laughing)
- You can look forward
to seeing it, I'm sure.
- You know Lily
Tomlin here, don't you?
- Oh, this is so,
so thrilling, Clim.
I've heard you fool around too.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- Yeah, that's funny!
Funny, Tim, funny!
(laughing)
- You can use that
when you get on the air.
- But guys...
- Oh, that's good too.
You use that on your first show.
- Hey, we want you to
meet some of the new kids.
There's Dennis Allen.
- Oh! (Laughing)
Mr. Cromwell, I've loved
every series you've ever done
and I can't wait until the
new one gets on the air.
Goodbye, Mr. Cromwell.
(audience laughing)
- What I'm trying
to tell you guys is...
- Yeah, don't tell them.
Tell Johnny Brown!
- Johnny Brown?
- Hey, Nick, Nick!
You're really gonna liven
up Tuesday nights, man.
- I'm on Sunday.
- Well, that should
liven up Tuesday night.
(audience laughing)
- Nancy Phillips, there, boy.
- Oh, Mr. Converse,
(audience laughing)
I'm sure it's gonna
be a great half hour.
- My show's an hour.
- Oh well, there ought
to be a good 30 minutes
in there somewhere.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara Sharma!
- Oh, Mr. Convoy, you know,
I can hardly wait to
see your first show.
I'm gonna watch it...
- All you guys don't
seem to understand at all.
You see... - What's the matter?
- My show's been
on for four weeks.
- Oh, golly, gosh, I'm
certainly sorry we missed it.
- Well, I am too but I'm
gonna be on again next week.
- Really?
Congratulations!
- Oh, wonderful.
- Hey kids, that's wonderful!
- Isn't that marvelous?
- Whee!
- Tim's gonna be on five times!
(screaming)
- [Girls] One, two,
three, four, five,
Tim's show is out of sight!
Yeah! (audience laughing)
(cheering)
- Ra. (audience laughing)
- Well, I suppose it's
been an easy thing for you
to scoff and sneer but
it doesn't matter to me.
(sad instrumental music)
I approach my craft
with honor and pride
and in good taste and dignity
and I trust all of you have
enjoyed this moment of mockery
we've had here tonight.
(nose blowing)
(audience laughing)
I bid you goodnight.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart
Will you love me ever
- You're 45 minutes
late and you think a rose
is gonna do it?
(audience laughing)
- You know how we've
been moving things
by dragging them around by rope?
- [Hairy Man] Yeah.
- Well today I
invented the wheel.
- [Hairy Man]
Good, tie a rope to it
and we'll drag it around.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) (screaming)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck,
(groovy rock music)
makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Hi, I'm Tim Conway.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm. (clearing throat)
I have my own show on
television and it's a smash.
- How very nice.
What is it called?
- It's called the
Tim Conway Show.
- Very tasteful
and very original.
(audience laughing)
Who thought of the title?
- My mom, see,
it's her name too.
- Conway.
- No, Tim.
(audience laughing)
- Charming.
- Think you for taking time
out of your busy schedule.
(audience laughing)
(drum crashing)
(funny instrumental music)
- Help!
- Hey, you know what?
I was reading an article on
Governor Ronald Reegan.
- Gee, I'm delighted you're
reading that kind of stuff.
- Thank you.
- You make a common
mistake, however.
- Oh, reading it?
- No, no, no, pronouncing it.
It isn't Reegan, it's Reagan.
- Well, golly gosh, it
used to be Reegan.
- Well, maybe so, that's
when he was an actor,
but now that he's governor,
he and his whole staff insist
on Reagan, Ronald Reagan.
- Really?
I mean, railly.
(laughing)
- I think you've got it.
- I guess the Governor and
Mrs. Reagan will be listening
to the Bay-tles now.
- To the Bay-tles, yes.
(audience laughing)
But the Bay-tles broke up.
A group of us ate dinner
with Governor Reagan.
- Gadzooks.
- Yeah, no, we had
spaghetti and mate-balls.
(audience laughing)
- And mate-balls.
- Yes. (laughing)
- I think we've got the picture.
(singing)
I say Reagan I say
Reegan You say Reegan
And you say Reagan
Reegan, Reagan, Reagan, Reegan
Let's call the whole thing off
(audience laughing)
(clock bell tolling)
- You're right, I've gotta go.
I'll be saying you.
So long, Dan.
- You're quite right, Duck,
let's go to the quickies.
(groovy instrumental
music) (singing)
(wood knocking)
(audience laughing)
- Oh please, not
tonight, Leonard.
I have a dreadful headache!
(audience laughing)
- I know. (groovy
instrumental music)
- Hello there, I'm
you man in the street
and today we'd like,
oh excuse me, sir.
Why do you walk that way?
- Because I live
in that direction.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Hey, Lily, did
you see True Grit?
- Only half of it.
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Announcer] This
is an optical illusion.
Stare intently at this square
and it will become a rectangle.
(audience laughing)
This is another
optical illusion.
Stare intently at this square
and he will become hip.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(doorbell ringing)
- Honey, the
blah-blah man is here.
- Oh, tell him to leave two.
- Blah blah! (audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Five men swindled,
extra, five men swindled!
- Let me have that.
- Oh, there you go.
Thank you.
(paper crinkling)
- There's nothing in here
about five men being swindled.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Six men swindled!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Wilbur, I can't
go on much longer.
This hot, hot
smelly jungle, pooey.
These insects, these
animals. (jungle animals calling)
(screaming)
Oh, Wilbur!
- Ethel, Ethel!
(screaming)
Hold still!
(gun firing)
(groaning) (audience laughing)
At last, darling, we
can be together alone.
Do you want to go out and
make some marzipan with me?
(audience laughing)
You want to make some fudge?
(audience laughing)
- So that's weird
Wilbur, the snake freak.
I like hugging, but what
he does is unbeliev...
(audience laughing)
Humble, humber, she
doesn't even have an umbrella.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- What do you think about
the braless fad, Senator?
- Well, I think
it's a big letdown.
- Oh? (audience laughing)
And what's your
stand on pornography?
- Right up close, Cookie.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- And what's you position
on the sexual revolution?
- Well, actually it's
combination of both.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- Pencils, pencils.
- Why certainly.
(audience laughing)
- Liquor, liquor!
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Oh, sweetheart, who
don't you hold me by my,
let me put my...
- Weird Wilbur
the snake freak fell
for the ugliest
snake in the jungle.
Believe me, 'cause I've
got one of my own at home.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Snake takes a bath,
(raspberry blowing)
and that's the truth.
(raspberry blowing)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well, sir, that
wraps up the quickies.
- Good. (clapping)
Where do you want
them delivered?
(clapping)
- What do you mean delivered?
- Well, I always thought when
you wrapped something up,
you delivered it. (clapping)
(laughing)
- No,
not the quickies, you ding-dong.
Once you're through
with them, they're finished.
They're not something
you can deliver anymore.
- Oh.
You know, my uncle
Luke the milkman,
he had the same problem.
- You have an uncle
Luke the milkman?
- Yep.
- What problem?
- Well he was 85 years old.
- So?
- Well, he's got the exact
same problem we have.
- What problem?
- Well, you see, he can't
deliver anymore either.
He had to cancel
his whole paper route.
(audience laughing)
- Thought you said
he was a milkman.
- Couldn't deliver.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- There's not meat in the house.
- Well, what about your club?
- You're right, I'll eat there.
- Hey, you just
invented the joke.
(laughing)
- Might as well eat some grass.
(audience laughing)
- Once upon a time,
there were two family
TV shows about widows.
Now they're multiplied
into over a dozen.
How they multiply
with only one parent
has never been explained,
(audience laughing)
nor why there are so
many spouses missing.
Let's watch.
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Hi everybody,
Emery Board here.
Say, we have quite an
interesting one for you today.
We're up here in
television heaven.
Yes sir, some of your
old favorites are up here.
Why, there's Lucy's
old husband over there
and over there I see the
mother of My Three Sons.
(audience laughing)
How about this one,
the ghost of Mr. Muir?
And right down
there, Eddie's mother
with the Governor's widow.
(audience laughing)
A hot item up here.
And from the Ponderosa I
see Ben Cartwright's wife.
Hi there.
How was it living on
the old Ponderosa?
- Well, it was alright,
but do you know what
it's like to feed two boys
who eat like a horse
and one who is?
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- I can imagine that isn't easy.
Oh, excuse me!
How are you?
I imagine you're
Julia's husband.
- Oh, no, no, I'm
not Julia's husband.
He is. (audience laughing)
- Well, there is
an item I'm sure.
And of course over here,
one of your real favorites,
Sheriff Andy
Griffith's first wife.
- What do you mean first wife?
- Well, he remarried
again, you know.
Of course, it was
after a decent interval.
It was about eight seasons,
then he left Mayberry.
(audience laughing)
- That figures.
The minute you get married
on TV, they dump you.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, it's bad
for the ratings.
I ought to know, I'm
Ken Berry's TV widow.
If I hadn't kicked
off when I did,
that show never
would have made it.
- Yeah, these shows
didn't become anything
until we were gone.
- Yeah, some funny
business going on.
- Now wait a minute girls,
you don't mean to tell me
that someone would
go to that drastic a move
just to get good ratings.
(laughing)
- Well, let's put it this way.
When you get back to
earth, tell Mrs. Tim Conway
to be very, very careful.
(audience laughing)
- Well I certainly will.
So long, I'm going home.
(playful instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(paper crunching)
(playful instrumental music)
- Hit. (audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- You know, I wish my job didn't
give me so many headaches.
Every time I open a
new bottle of aspirin,
I find myself
picking cotton again.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Yesterday, I auditioned
for a part in a talkie
and the producer told
me I looked like a million.
Later, he told me
that was a little too old.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Oh, hey, they just
raised the rent in our pad
to about 40 a month,
but that still isn't too bad.
That makes it
about a buck apiece.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(playful instrumental
music) (wind blowing)
(metal banging)
(metal banging) (crashing)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(typewriter clacking)
(paper crinkling)
- And now, coming up,
the Farkels, don't forget!
- Forget?
Never!
I shall always
remember the Farkels.
- Ah yes.
- Also the Alamo and the
Maine, Pearl Harbor, and Audrey.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Say, weren't you
on the McHale's Navy?
- Yes, yes I was, but
that was cancelled.
- Oh, well, weren't
you on Rango?
- Yes I was, but
that was cancelled.
- Oh, well didn't you
have your own show
about an airplane or
something like that?
- Yes I did, yeah. (laughing)
That was cancelled.
(audience laughing)
- Well, were you ever on
The Smothers Brothers Show?
- Yes I was, yes.
Just before it was
cancelled. (audience laughing)
- Oh, well, weren't
you also on Turn-On?
- Yes, that was cancelled too.
(audience laughing)
- What did you order?
- I had the turkey.
- Cancel the turkey!
- I know, I know.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Where's Marvin?
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Say, Running Knee,
I hear that the government
has sunk a shaft or a goldmine
on Indian territory
and it's a 50-50 deal.
- Sure, government
gets the gold, Indian gets
to keep the shaft.
(audience laughing)
- Wow.
- Same old way.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- My agent told
me that if I wanted
to become a great actress
I'd have to join a workshop.
So I did and things
are going so well.
So far I've made two coffee
tables and a bookcase.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- If the war between
the administration
and the news media
gets any worse,
the President may
demand total withdrawal
of reporters from Washington.
(audience laughing)
Of course, the reporters may
request that he accompany them.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(singing)
(drum banging)
(audience laughing)
- Where is Og?
- Yesterday, Og got
hit by a bolt of lightning.
- Well, what's he doing now?
- He's trying to quit smoking.
(audience laughing)
(wood clattering)
(clapping)
- It has come to my attention...
- Has it?
- That thus far this season,
we have not had any new talent.
- I'm glad you've
been paying attention.
Now I suppose you've done
something correct this fault?
- Better than that.
I have some new talent.
- No kidding.
Bye golly, what
have you brought us,
another dancing chicken?
- Nay nay, nay nay.
I have with me
from Gary, Indiana.
- Two nay nays?
- No, no.
- No, no.
- Nay nay.
(audience laughing)
From Gary, Indiana,
the Rancihoff twins!
- Oh, I didn't know
they were in town.
(audience applauding)
- Yeah, the twins are
construction workers.
- Yes.
- That is right.
- That is right.
- We are...
- Construction workers.
- Are you?
And he asked fearlessly,
"What is your talent?"
- Well, we are glad you asked...
- That, Dan.
- We play...
- Hardhats.
- Oh, well wouldn't that
give you a headache?
- Ha ha.
- Ha ha! (audience laughing)
- Dan...
- And Dick.
- Dan, let them play.
They are artists, you know.
- Okay.
- Maestro...
- If you... - Please.
(audience laughing)
- Where are they going to do it?
Left. (audience laughing)
(celebratory instrumental music)
(bell ringing) (kazoos buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(celebratory instrumental music)
(audience applauding)
- Bravo!
- Hey, that's really something.
- We're glad...
- You liked it...
- Dan and Dick.
- It sounds...
- Even better...
- With heads...
- Under them.
- Here Dan...
- And here Dick.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
- And now a statement on
the forthcoming TV season.
- It's about time television
grew up and realized
that there's a mature
America watching.
In view of that, this season
we are not going to use
any laugh track,
any canned laughter,
or applause on our show.
Thank you.
- That was the producer
of Marcus Wilby, MD.
(audience laughing)
(funny instrumental music)
- My name is Edith Anne
and this is my house.
Sometimes I drink beer.
Daddy says,
"Babe you can have
one swallow of beer."
Momma says,
"Guy, don't give
Babe no more beer."
Poppa says, "Go on, Babe."
But I just take one little sip.
And that's the truth.
(raspberry blowing)
(audience laughing)
I could make a
tom-tom with my shoes.
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- How very nice to see you.
I was just saying our club
has always had a tasteful policy
of extending invitation
memberships to minority groups.
We did have to
cancel it last week,
when much to our surprise
one of them accepted.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Hey, who does your hair?
- My mother.
- Oh, really?
I didn't know your
mother could knit.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Listen blue eyes,
would you like to come up
to my place after the party?
- Oh, I don't think my
mother would like that.
- Okay, then we
won't invite her.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well Professor,
speaking of mustard,
what have you
done for us lately?
- Well, I've just invented
an infallicable device
to control the
population explosion.
- Oh wonderful.
- Yes, I know you'll
be excited and thrilled.
Take that pipe
out of your mouth.
You know what that means.
(audience laughing)
It works on a brand
new princicaple.
You take it every 30 seconds
and you haven't got
time to do anything else.
- Oh.
- Like dancing or singing...
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Hairy Man] Hey,
our tribe has 50 men.
We live here.
- My tribe had 50 women.
We live across the river.
(groaning)
- I have a feeling I'm
about to invent the bridge.
(audience laughing)
- [Hairy Man] I'll work
on inventing the canoe,
the pill, and marinated herring.
(audience laughing)
Hey, you want to come?
We'll invent monkeying around.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go
sleep in the grass.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Ay, eh, ow.
(laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- It's getting so it
isn't safe for a girl
to walk in the streets anymore.
Why anything can happen!
- Really?
Well, let's take a walk.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
("Pop Goes the
Weasel" by Traditional)
- My Mom Gave Me Beans
for Breakfast, by Henry Gibson.
My mom gave me
beans for breakfast
and though some say they
nourish more than cereal,
they just don't look
right next to orange juice,
(audience laughing)
even with milk and sugar.
I was thinking of
sneaking some Wheaties,
but I'm afraid of
getting busted.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Announcer] This is the
off-stage announcer telling you
that I'm not the on-stage
announcer because I'm stark naked.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(dark horn music)
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(metal clanging)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(groovy instrumental music)
(calm instrumental music)
- My stars and garters,
it's time for another episode
with the Farkel family entitled,
Farkel My Stars and Garters.
Let us join Fanny and
Frank as hear Fanny say...
- Hi, I'm Frank Farkel
and that's my Fanny Farkel.
This is the family Farkel
and that's our good friend
and trusted Burfel,
Ferd Neighbor.
(audience laughing)
- You got it twisted
around, Frank.
- Twisted around, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear
Fanny, twisted around.
- Why are you wearing
those old clothes, Frank?
- Sentiment, Ferd.
These are the
clothes I met Fanny in.
- Of course, I
remember wearing them.
- No, I was wearing them.
- Tell us...
- About it.
- How did you meet...
- Father Farkel?
- I met Father Farkel this way!
- Hey!
- We were married
on a ship at say.
- We were cast adrift and
swam toward Falkland Island.
- Farkland Island,
that rings a bell.
- Just think the only
human beings there.
- And thus, we began our
family and our seven children.
- Seven children?
I see only six, one is missing.
- Missing...
- Our dear Fanny.
- Missing...
- Imagine our dear Fanny.
- Missing?
- Which Farkel could it be?
- Our first born, Flipper
Farkel, remember?
- Can't say I do.
- He was born on Farkland
Island 28 years ago this very day.
We were rescued and
we never saw him again.
- I knew we forgot
something on Falkland Island.
Oh, young Flipper, I
shall never forget him.
Who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
(door slamming)
- Hi, I'm looking
for my parents.
28 years ago to
the day, I was born,
where my parents left me,
and they were rescued
on Farkland Island.
Do you know anyone like that?
- No, can't say I do.
- Well, my name is Flipper.
- Well, Flipper,
Frank Farkel here
and my wife, Fanny Farkel.
Fanny Flipper, Flipper
Fanny, Flipper Sparkle Farkel,
Mark Farkel Flipper,
Simon Farkel Flipper,
Garkarfle Flipper, Fritz
Farkel Flipper, Flipper Flicker.
- Hi! (audience laughing)
- Flick flip, flip
Flick, what's up?
- Oh, same old thing.
What's up to you?
- I had just been telling
about our long lost son
on Falkland Island
28 years today.
His name was Flipper.
- Flipper?
But don't you see, sir?
That's me.
Why, our stories are identical
and the resemblance
is obvious, look.
- There, Father Farkel...
- See the resemblance?
- Not the slightest.
He is obviously not a Farkel.
(audience laughing)
Why, he stands out
like a sore thumb.
This boy is
obviously an imposter.
Sorry lad, but man knows
his own son, out you go.
- Hey! (audience laughing)
- Don't forget to fail
tuning in next week, folks,
when we hear Ferd
Burfle say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine looking
imposter you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(groovy instrumental music)
(playful instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(animal chomping)
(burping) (audience laughing)
- Where have you been all day?
- I spent the day
discovering fire.
- Well, you're late.
Dinner is burned to a crisp!
(audience laughing)
- [Hairy Man] Why don't
you invent the divorce
or a kick in the kidneys?
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go
sleep in the grass.
("Hail to the Chief"
by James Sanderson)
- [Announcer] Now,
ladies and gentleman,
the Resident of
the United States.
- I've been reading a lot
about the breakdown of law
and order in this country
and I saw we
must put a stop to it,
even if it means forming
vigilante committees
and taking the law
into our own hand.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] You have
just heard an address
from the Resident
of the United States.
- Know something?
They just invented a
TV screen that thick.
- Well, what can see
on a set that thick?
- Audrey Hepburn movies.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- This program was procorder
at privious preevate session,
or is that sushion?
Oh well, one out
of 10 isn't bad.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- We had a very interesting day
at my kid's school last week.
They told the little devils
they could do
anything they wanted to
but by the time they
got the fire out, the paint
off the principle, and
Miss Puffer off the flagpole,
most of the little
rascals had gone home.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- With the current craze
for communal living,
they may have to change
the 9th Commandment
to thou shalt not covet
any of thy neighbors' wives.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- In my experiments on genetics,
I finally succeeded in
turning a woman into a man.
My wife doesn't like the
idea, but what does he know?
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(silly instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(audience laughing)
We'll execute a
stunning tour jete
We'll try to do a
rather deep plie
The reason we're balletic
And our toes are energetic
Is that we have
something fabulous too
Modern to say Ladies
and indeed gentlemen
Now laugh and we'll
be looking at the news
The news the news
the news the news
He's there He's there
The news A news
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(bright instrumental music)
- [Announcer] And
now the London News
with special reports from
Francis Bacon in Greece,
Brad Stuffing in Turkey,
Felix Frankfurter in Hamburg,
David Frost in Chili.
(bright instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- Now here's the news.
With a number of
companies being investigated
for conducting contests
in which they failed
to notify all the winners,
young people are urging
that these same
companies be allowed
to conduct the draft
lottery if they promise
to run it the same way.
(audience laughing)
- In order to protect the
United States' soldiers
from disruptive influences,
the Army today declared
the following
trouble spots off limits
to military personnel:
Tijuana, Mexico; Haite-Ashbury,
San Franciso; and Jane
Fonda, Beverly Hills.
(audience laughing)
- Today in Longview,
Texas, recently 36
of the Longview school
buses were blown up.
Although the buses
were to be used
to transport black students to
predominately white schools,
the authorities said
there was no indication
that the bombings
were racially inspired.
For an explanation of
this incredible coincidence,
we take you now to the office
of an authority in
Longview, Texas.
Sir, was the blowing up
of the 36 school
buses racially inspired?
- Absolutely not.
- Well, how can you be so sure?
- Well, that's what I
read in the newspaper.
(audience laughing)
- Well, they were quoting you.
- Well, I couldn't
get a better source.
(audience laughing)
- Well anyway, whether
it was intentional or not,
this mysterious incident
has cancelled your plans
to integrate the schools.
- No, you're wrong
there, not at all, no sir.
We have activated plan b.
This very moment we have
47 taxi cabs standing by
to do the job.
(audience laughing)
(telephone ringing) Excuse me.
Hello?
Do what?
They did.
All 47 of them, huh?
(audience laughing)
Right. (receiver clicking)
Well, we can
scratch plan b, but,
even if they have to
walk to these schools,
that's the way we're
gonna get them there.
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Oh yeah.
Another incredible
coincidence, huh?
(audience laughing)
Well, I'm afraid we're gonna
have to find another school.
(receiver clicking)
(audience laughing)
- Well, what are
you going to do now?
The closest school
is in Brownsville.
- Well, that's it.
We're gonna send
them to Brownsville.
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
You don't say.
The whole town?
(audience laughing)
- That was amazing.
- No, that was Brownsville.
(audience laughing)
Well, we're gonna get
those students integrated
if we have to send them
all the way to New Mexico!
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
What don't you
answer that, Harry?
If it's for me, I'm not here.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Ruth Buzzi here,
buzzing around Hollywood
with another stinger. (laughing)
In keeping with a
long standing practice,
multi-million dollar insurance
policies were taken out today
on co-stars Maurice
Chevalier and Mae West,
who in their next picture, are
to perform a dangerous stunt,
a nude love scene.
(audience laughing)
They agreed to share
the cost of the policies.
Mr. Chevalier came across
with his premium this morning
and Miss West said she
couldn't swing hers until tomorrow.
(audience laughing)
Bye from Buzzi.
(laughing) Kissy, kissy.
(audience laughing)
- And now for this
in-depth report.
- [Well] Nothing new down here.
(audience laughing)
- Kemosabe, New Mexico.
A band of hostile Apache
Indians today swept down
on interstate highway nine
and attacked a diesel
truck delivering fruit.
The Apaches stated
they were provoked
by the puffs of the smoke
from the truck's smokestack,
which they clearly
claimed spelled out,
"Tanto is a kumquat."
(audience laughing)
(drum rolling)
- Today the president of
NBC made a plea to the people
of America to
speak out in defense
of the broadcasting industry
to counteract its critics.
We are pleased to
present the first man willing
to raise his voice for freedom
of expression, Mr. IAL Zirkon.
Mr. Zirkon.
- Well, the first
thing I want to say is
that there's some shows on NBC
that I don't think
should be allowed to...
(yelling) (audience laughing)
- And now for this
on the spot coverage.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
La da di da
Ladies and gents laugh
and look at the news
News news news newsie news
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental
music) (paper crinkling)
(metal clanging)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(waves crashing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(singing) (audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Miss Mushright.
You know, it's getting
harder and harder
to chase Beaters in Los Angeles.
You know, you let them
get one block ahead of you
and they vanish into thick air.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- All the people down
south aren't having trouble
with integration,
just the black folk.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- You know, Bruce?
Last night, for the first time,
I let my son pull a job with me.
Good to see the kid following
in his father's fingerprints.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well the trouble with
women's liberation movement is
that most of them
are just joining
to get something
off their chest.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(screaming)
- I knew it, I knew it!
You've been seeing
another woman.
- How do you know?
- Well, look at this.
There's a long blonde
hair on your club.
(audience laughing)
(drum banging)
- [Hairy Man] Now there's
a long black hair on it.
(audience laughing)
Nits, a beetle.
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
- Tonight, Laugh-In's
gonna take a look at the wor,
tonight Laugh-In's
gonna take a look
at the world of alcohol.
- You mean booze?
- Booze.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- Yes sir, whatever you call it.
Booze, hooch,
redeye, let's face it,
liquor is certainly with us.
- You son of a gun,
where you got it hidden?
- No, no. (audience laughing)
Let's not treat
the subject lightly
because you realize one
of the biggest problems
in our society today is alcohol.
- That's a sobering
thought. (audience laughing)
- A great many people you
and I know just can't handle it.
- Well, I know a guy
who can have 20 drinks
and it doesn't
bother him at all.
- No kidding, doesn't
he get roaring drunk?
- Sure, but it
doesn't bother him.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
See, there's an example of a man
who has no
resistance to alcohol.
- Well it's strange, but I've
done some research on that.
- Well, tell us about it.
- I wish you'd listen
to these figures.
- Yes.
- Last Monday, for instance,
I took one ounce of
bourbon every four hours.
- That's not so much.
- Tuesday, I took two
ounces every two hours
and Wednesday, four
ounces every hour.
- Well, what did that prove?
- Well I don't know,
but those were three
of the best days we ever had.
(audience laughing)
- What do you mean we?
- Well, I don't drink alone.
- You see, you can't enjoy
yourself without drinking.
That's a big problem.
- I can so.
- Well, just suppose
that there was no
such thing as alcohol.
- No alcohol?
Right, right.
- That's right.
Now suppose somebody
gave an office party.
- Right, right.
- And they had no booze.
- No booze.
- Now where would
that leave you?
- In bed at 8:30.
(audience laughing)
- That's what I mean.
Let's take a look at the
wonderful world of alcohol.
(hiccuping) (audience laughing)
One drink and I'm belligerent
A couple I get sad All
blue and melancholy
I get fighting,
screaming mad I cry
I fight I sniff I bite
I think we've both been had
Let's quite the booze,
it's later than we think
'Til then let's have
another drinkie
To keep us in the pinkie
A double scotch and water
To lead this little
lamb to slaughter
Just a light libation can
cure a troubled nation
Let's both have one more drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
Nobody knows I'm drunk
until I fall right on my face
One belt and I'm so happy I
could fly through outer space
I'm cool I'm hot
I'm reserved I'm not
This must be the place
In everybody's
armor there's a chink
So buddy bring a double
voddy to locomote the body
I like a triple martin
Just to make sure
my heart is startin'
Get your problems mastered
It's easy when you're plastered
So let's have one more drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
They say it's better than grass
Nicer than pills
It's safer than LSD
to banish all your ills
It's slower than speed
It's faster than hash
And underneath
our country's eagle
Is the only stuff that's legal
I'm boring and I'm bloated
I get sexy when I'm high
I constantly repeat myself
I kiss each single
guy I'm dull Let's kiss
A bore I kiss They
say As Time Goes By
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
- I'll drink to that!
- It...
I think the ship of
love is gonna sink
- Where's my pony?
'Til then it's just
a little bourbon
When life is too disturbin'
A little shot of whiskey
Then everything is really misty
Life is too bucolic
Become an alcoholic
And let's have one more
Please pour one more
One more rotten
lousy stinkin' drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
- But actually the first
mention of liquor in literature
appears in a 300 page volume
written by a medial monk.
The first page describes
his newly acquired recipe
for distilling brandy.
(audience laughing)
The rest of the book,
however, is illegible.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- There are at least
three million alcoholics
in the United States who
are currently employed.
However, not all of
those three million
can remember where they work.
(audience laughing)
- I know a guy who's such a
drunk Alcoholics Anonymous
got an unlisted number to
keep him from calling so often.
(audience laughing)
(banging)
- I know my rights, Ocifer
and I am entitled to
make a phone call.
I want to make it and
I want to make it now.
(banging)
- Okay, here's the phone.
- Okay, here's the phone.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'll dial.
(dialing)
Hello, Acme Liquor Store?
Do you deliver?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're so disgusting
I can't look at you.
You're such a slob.
All you do is sit
around all the time,
drinking, drinking, drinking.
I slave in this
crummy dump all day.
You don't care.
You're not the least bit
interested in taking me
out of here so I can
get away from it all.
You pig. (audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(sultry jazz music)
- And furthermore, George,
you still haven't painted
the front of the house.
Every weekend you say
you will but you just sit
around the house,
watching TV and drinking.
I don't know why I
ever married you.
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- But then, George, I
guess I am partly to blame.
You work hard and
I do tend to nag you.
Listen honey,
let's get dressed up
and go out on the town tonight
and then come back home
for a little nightcap,
you know what I mean?
(laughing)
- Yeah, baby, you're right.
I'm gonna have one more
little snort for the road-a-rooney.
(audience laughing)
- And if you don't start
getting home on time,
you can just start
cooking your own meals,
you big dummy!
(audience laughing)
- I did it again,
one drink too many.
Go make the pancakes.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(telephone ringing)
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
I'm coming!
(telephone ringing)
(upbeat jazz music)
I'm coming!
Hello?
Leonard, it's for you.
- I told the hospital never
to call me this
time of the morning.
(audience laughing)
- You wait here, Lenny,
have another drink.
I'll get it. (laughing)
- You're beautiful, easy, easy.
(audience laughing)
- I'll get it.
- [Leonard] You go
ahead and get it for me.
- Don't worry
about it for a minute.
I'll get it. (groaning)
These steep stairs.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Hello, hello?
- Hey, what a great connection!
Sounds like you're
in the next room.
- I am in the next room.
Hello?
They hung up.
(audience laughing)
- They say good
whiskey's aged 12 years.
My uncle drinks it and
he's aged 50 years.
(audience laughing)
(hiccuping)
- Officer, these two
gentlemen friends
and I would like to
make a phone call.
- Alright, you want
to use that phone?
- Okay, you make it.
Here is a dime.
- You got a dime?
Thank you.
- No, over here.
- Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Here, over here, that's okay.
- Well, no, I'll get it.
Don't worry.
- There it is.
- Give him a hand.
(mumbling)
- A little more to the right.
- While you're down
there, get me a cigarette.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- I got it.
- Good work.
- Let me see.
- Here you go.
(singing)
- Real close.
(audience laughing)
Pass the dime.
(bell ringing)
(telephone ringing)
- 13th precinct.
- Hello, are you booking a
guy named Hobo Haley Jr.?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, this is the President
of the United States.
- Oh, yes sir.
- Release him!
(audience laughing)
- And his friends.
- And his friends.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(telephone clanging)
(sultry jazz music)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, how clumsy of me.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
Here, let me buy you a drink.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no
thank you, I'm a schoolteacher.
I just stepped in to enjoy
the air conditioning
this afternoon.
That's all.
- Oh, it is awfully hot today.
Why don't we sit down together
and have a nice, cool drink
and put that...
- Well,
well my arm is a
bit stiff or sprained...
- Well I'm so sorry
to have done that.
I just didn't look
where I was going.
- Thank you.
- What do you like?
- Well, I don't really
know a lot about drinking.
I, oh gee, my
arm's got a little kink
in it.
- I'm so sorry.
- I did see once on
television I saw a lady
who had a drink and it
looked like water, you know...
- Water.
- And it had a
little olive in it.
- Oh, that's a martini.
- Oh, a martini.
- Let me order you one.
Waitress.
- Yeah, what's it gonna be?
- I think I'll have
scotch on the rocks.
Would you bring
the lady a martini?
- Could you bring
me that in a teacup?
Do you mind that?
- Oh no no.
- She's a little embarrassed
for being in a bar.
- Oh, I see.
Monica, give me
a scotch and water
and the schoolteacher's
back for the regular!
(audience laughing)
- [All] Alka-Seltzer,
Alka-Seltzer, Alka-Seltzer,
Alka-Seltzer.
(audience laughing)
- That concludes our
in-depth study of drinking.
- Would you please hold it down?
My hangover.
- You've got a hangover?
(audience laughing) (moaning)
You got a hangover just
from an in-depth study
of drinking here?
- Well, actually, I've
been doing a little research
at home, too, you know.
- Oh.
In depth?
- About six fingers.
(audience laughing)
- I suppose that could
bring on a hangover.
- Well, right now I'm working
on a cure for hangovers.
- How you doing?
- Well, I almost have it.
All I need is a
little more time.
- What's your cure?
- Well, actually, here it is.
First thing thing
in the morning...
- Yeah.
- Six shots of bourbon
with a beer chaser.
(audience laughing)
- That's not gonna
cure your hangover.
You're just postponing it.
- I told you I need
a little more time.
(audience laughing)
You find there's
very little laughter
At dawn the morning after
So reach for Bloody Mary
The eyes are crossed,
the tongue is hairy
Though the head is pounding
and nausea's abounding
Let's all have one more
Please more, one more
One more rotten
lousy stinking drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
(playful piano music)
(slide whistle blowing)
(playful piano music)
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Pine-Sol
that cleans more than 100% clean
because it kills
household germs.
(dark jazz music)
- Well, it looks like it's
about time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Before we do that,
I'd like to tell the folks
who was on the show tonight.
- Well, everybody knows
who's on the show tonight.
They just saw them.
- Well not just the people
who tuned in to see them.
- Oh.
- They might want to
know who they just missed.
- That's not a bad idea.
- First of all, Ruth Buzzi
did a great love scene
with Jack Lemmon.
- Jack Lemmon wasn't
on the show tonight.
- The people who just
tuned in won't know that.
(audience laughing)
- Don't lie to them.
- And after Steve
McQueen's dance number,
Charlton Heston, he came
out and did his rendition
of Bluebirds of Happiness
on musical spoons.
(audience laughing)
- Charlton Heston
did that on this show?
- Sure, he was filling
in for Elliott Gould.
- Oh. (audience laughing)
- He went on right
before Paul Newman...
- Paul Newman.
- Whistled a theme song
from the movie I, a Woman.
- Yeah. (audience laughing)
Well, for those of
you who just tuned in,
Cary Grant, Howard Hughes,
and Averell Harriman were
not on the show tonight.
- Gee, I was looking
forward to seeing them.
- They were all
played Arte Johnson.
Say goodnight anyway, Dick.
- Goodnight anyway, Dick.
- Goodnight.
(audience applauding)
(happy instrumental music)
- My mother was so meticulous
that she nursed
me through a stole.
(audience laughing)
- The other day my horse
accidentally shot himself,
so I had to break his leg.
(audience laughing)
- Today I had all my teeth
capped for Christian Science.
(audience laughing)
- Endifort!
- Endifort.
- Do you notice he...
(speaking in a foreign language)
(laughing)
- That is so lousy.
His joke quality is lousy.
(speaking in a foreign language)
He's gonna do that all night.
I'll be back in a minute.
(speaking in a foreign language)
Okay, beam me back now.
Oh look, it's Hugh Ness.
How are you doing today girls?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Barbara?
Barbara, Barbara.
You know I started
wearing a copper bracelet.
- Oh, has it helped
your arthritis?
- No, but it goes real well
with my copper earrings.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- There's no truth to the rumor
that when
conservationists make love,
they give each other heckles.
(audience laughing)
- I think that's so rude.
Do you have a mother?
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Put that on a
cracker, that's fantastic.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Why are people always
looking for solutions to problems?
- [Dan] I don't know.
- Like overpopulation
and DDT in the food?
- [Dan] There you go.
- Seems to me that
one solves the other.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Lily!
- [Lily] Yes?
- Have you heard the saying
you can't teach an
old dog new tricks?
- Well indeed, I taught my
dog to say it just this morning.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- A friend of mine
graduated from the University
of Hong Kong, magna cum laundry
and an hour later,
he was dumb again.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about the
judge who sentenced the hippy
by singing Shave and
a Haircut Two Years?
(audience laughing)
- I didn't hear about that
but I saw Raquel Welch
making a movie the other day.
Boy, does she look
great on that set.
- Vice versa too. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Seems strange when in Vietnam,
the military is involved
in a police action
and at home police are
involved in military actions.
(audience laughing)
- The only trouble with
these flag designed clothes is
that every time they play
Taps my pants fall to half-mast.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(slide whistle blowing)
(trombone playing)
(piano banging)
(funny instrumental music)
(basketball bouncing)
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(wind whooshing)
(motorcycle engine buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(funny instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(typewriter dinging)
(paper crinkling)
(fire exploding)
(audience laughing)
- It's me again, Mr. President.
I sleep better at night
knowing the country is
in such good hands
and so, Mr. President,
as long as you
tell me what to do,
I will always remain
true red, white and blue.
(tapping) (silly horn music)
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but it
was no McHale's Navy.
It wasn't even a Ringo.
(audience laughing)
- Wolfgang.
(branch crunching)
(audience laughing)
- That was Rango.
(branch crunching)
- Ringo, Rango.
It was a Wrong-o believe me.
(audience laughing)
If we had a bomb like that,
you would have a tremendous
German accent now.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go back
to the bunker now
and wait for the next bomb.
(laughing)
- Oh, relax pussycat.
I saw your show.
- Thank you.
- It was a real weiner.
(audience laughing)
- That's winner.
- Huh?
- Winner.
- Huh?
- Winner.
- That next to summer?
(laughing)
(leaf crunching)
Winner, weiner, it's a goody.
You're gonna be alright
and someday the magic
will strike your head
like a bolt lightning and
you'll have your own show.
(laughing)
- It is my own show.
- It's your own show?
Listen, would you do me a favor?
I'm a little worried
around here.
Reserve me a bush, make it
two and I'll bring Max Dillman.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
(foreboding instrumental music)
(banging)
(audience laughing)
- Mervin, that was magnificent.
- Boo.
- Boys and girls,
this is my first time.
Treat me kind.
(clapping) (funky
percussive music)
(bells ringing)
- [Announcer] We're off!
(clapping)
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience applauding)
(yelling)
- You're really going to
have to restrain yourselves.
- My ears!
- That's enough!
- Please.
- That's enough.
- They must think it's
the Gale Storm Show.
- I don't know.
(audience laughing)
- Never heard such a row.
- It returns.
- Yes.
Ladies and germs... - Gentlemen.
- Gentlemen. (audience laughing)
Our guest tonight,
our guest star tonight
is one of the funniest...
- Yes, and he's a star.
Oh, he's a star.
- Oh, indeed-y do.
One of the funniest
men in the business,
one of the nicest...
- Funny.
- Guys we know.
- Nice.
- Tim Conway!
- Tim Conway!
(audience applauding)
There you are, Tim.
- Hello.
- Welcome to the show.
- Yeah buddy, we've been
looking forward to tonight.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
I'm really very
excited to be here.
- That's how you look
when you're excited, huh?
- Yeah, this is about as excited
as I get.
- Well, we're excited.
Hey not only that,
(audience laughing)
but a lot of the kids can't wait
to see you, say hello to you.
Here's Arte Johnson.
- Jim, good luck on
your new show, Jimmy.
- It's Tim.
- Ruth Buzzi.
- Oh, I'm so happy
for you, John.
(audience laughing)
- Henry Gibson.
- Keep punching, Tony.
(audience laughing)
- Tim.
- Alan Sues.
- Oh, Tom, your show's
gonna be a little slice of heaven.
(audience laughing)
- You can look forward
to seeing it, I'm sure.
- You know Lily
Tomlin here, don't you?
- Oh, this is so,
so thrilling, Clim.
I've heard you fool around too.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- Yeah, that's funny!
Funny, Tim, funny!
(laughing)
- You can use that
when you get on the air.
- But guys...
- Oh, that's good too.
You use that on your first show.
- Hey, we want you to
meet some of the new kids.
There's Dennis Allen.
- Oh! (Laughing)
Mr. Cromwell, I've loved
every series you've ever done
and I can't wait until the
new one gets on the air.
Goodbye, Mr. Cromwell.
(audience laughing)
- What I'm trying
to tell you guys is...
- Yeah, don't tell them.
Tell Johnny Brown!
- Johnny Brown?
- Hey, Nick, Nick!
You're really gonna liven
up Tuesday nights, man.
- I'm on Sunday.
- Well, that should
liven up Tuesday night.
(audience laughing)
- Nancy Phillips, there, boy.
- Oh, Mr. Converse,
(audience laughing)
I'm sure it's gonna
be a great half hour.
- My show's an hour.
- Oh well, there ought
to be a good 30 minutes
in there somewhere.
(audience laughing)
- Barbara Sharma!
- Oh, Mr. Convoy, you know,
I can hardly wait to
see your first show.
I'm gonna watch it...
- All you guys don't
seem to understand at all.
You see... - What's the matter?
- My show's been
on for four weeks.
- Oh, golly, gosh, I'm
certainly sorry we missed it.
- Well, I am too but I'm
gonna be on again next week.
- Really?
Congratulations!
- Oh, wonderful.
- Hey kids, that's wonderful!
- Isn't that marvelous?
- Whee!
- Tim's gonna be on five times!
(screaming)
- [Girls] One, two,
three, four, five,
Tim's show is out of sight!
Yeah! (audience laughing)
(cheering)
- Ra. (audience laughing)
- Well, I suppose it's
been an easy thing for you
to scoff and sneer but
it doesn't matter to me.
(sad instrumental music)
I approach my craft
with honor and pride
and in good taste and dignity
and I trust all of you have
enjoyed this moment of mockery
we've had here tonight.
(nose blowing)
(audience laughing)
I bid you goodnight.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart
Will you love me ever
- You're 45 minutes
late and you think a rose
is gonna do it?
(audience laughing)
- You know how we've
been moving things
by dragging them around by rope?
- [Hairy Man] Yeah.
- Well today I
invented the wheel.
- [Hairy Man]
Good, tie a rope to it
and we'll drag it around.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) (screaming)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck,
(groovy rock music)
makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Hi, I'm Tim Conway.
- Really?
- Mm-Hmm. (clearing throat)
I have my own show on
television and it's a smash.
- How very nice.
What is it called?
- It's called the
Tim Conway Show.
- Very tasteful
and very original.
(audience laughing)
Who thought of the title?
- My mom, see,
it's her name too.
- Conway.
- No, Tim.
(audience laughing)
- Charming.
- Think you for taking time
out of your busy schedule.
(audience laughing)
(drum crashing)
(funny instrumental music)
- Help!
- Hey, you know what?
I was reading an article on
Governor Ronald Reegan.
- Gee, I'm delighted you're
reading that kind of stuff.
- Thank you.
- You make a common
mistake, however.
- Oh, reading it?
- No, no, no, pronouncing it.
It isn't Reegan, it's Reagan.
- Well, golly gosh, it
used to be Reegan.
- Well, maybe so, that's
when he was an actor,
but now that he's governor,
he and his whole staff insist
on Reagan, Ronald Reagan.
- Really?
I mean, railly.
(laughing)
- I think you've got it.
- I guess the Governor and
Mrs. Reagan will be listening
to the Bay-tles now.
- To the Bay-tles, yes.
(audience laughing)
But the Bay-tles broke up.
A group of us ate dinner
with Governor Reagan.
- Gadzooks.
- Yeah, no, we had
spaghetti and mate-balls.
(audience laughing)
- And mate-balls.
- Yes. (laughing)
- I think we've got the picture.
(singing)
I say Reagan I say
Reegan You say Reegan
And you say Reagan
Reegan, Reagan, Reagan, Reegan
Let's call the whole thing off
(audience laughing)
(clock bell tolling)
- You're right, I've gotta go.
I'll be saying you.
So long, Dan.
- You're quite right, Duck,
let's go to the quickies.
(groovy instrumental
music) (singing)
(wood knocking)
(audience laughing)
- Oh please, not
tonight, Leonard.
I have a dreadful headache!
(audience laughing)
- I know. (groovy
instrumental music)
- Hello there, I'm
you man in the street
and today we'd like,
oh excuse me, sir.
Why do you walk that way?
- Because I live
in that direction.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Hey, Lily, did
you see True Grit?
- Only half of it.
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Announcer] This
is an optical illusion.
Stare intently at this square
and it will become a rectangle.
(audience laughing)
This is another
optical illusion.
Stare intently at this square
and he will become hip.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(doorbell ringing)
- Honey, the
blah-blah man is here.
- Oh, tell him to leave two.
- Blah blah! (audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Five men swindled,
extra, five men swindled!
- Let me have that.
- Oh, there you go.
Thank you.
(paper crinkling)
- There's nothing in here
about five men being swindled.
- Extra, extra,
read all about it!
Six men swindled!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Wilbur, I can't
go on much longer.
This hot, hot
smelly jungle, pooey.
These insects, these
animals. (jungle animals calling)
(screaming)
Oh, Wilbur!
- Ethel, Ethel!
(screaming)
Hold still!
(gun firing)
(groaning) (audience laughing)
At last, darling, we
can be together alone.
Do you want to go out and
make some marzipan with me?
(audience laughing)
You want to make some fudge?
(audience laughing)
- So that's weird
Wilbur, the snake freak.
I like hugging, but what
he does is unbeliev...
(audience laughing)
Humble, humber, she
doesn't even have an umbrella.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- What do you think about
the braless fad, Senator?
- Well, I think
it's a big letdown.
- Oh? (audience laughing)
And what's your
stand on pornography?
- Right up close, Cookie.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- And what's you position
on the sexual revolution?
- Well, actually it's
combination of both.
(groovy instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- Pencils, pencils.
- Why certainly.
(audience laughing)
- Liquor, liquor!
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Oh, sweetheart, who
don't you hold me by my,
let me put my...
- Weird Wilbur
the snake freak fell
for the ugliest
snake in the jungle.
Believe me, 'cause I've
got one of my own at home.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- Snake takes a bath,
(raspberry blowing)
and that's the truth.
(raspberry blowing)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well, sir, that
wraps up the quickies.
- Good. (clapping)
Where do you want
them delivered?
(clapping)
- What do you mean delivered?
- Well, I always thought when
you wrapped something up,
you delivered it. (clapping)
(laughing)
- No,
not the quickies, you ding-dong.
Once you're through
with them, they're finished.
They're not something
you can deliver anymore.
- Oh.
You know, my uncle
Luke the milkman,
he had the same problem.
- You have an uncle
Luke the milkman?
- Yep.
- What problem?
- Well he was 85 years old.
- So?
- Well, he's got the exact
same problem we have.
- What problem?
- Well, you see, he can't
deliver anymore either.
He had to cancel
his whole paper route.
(audience laughing)
- Thought you said
he was a milkman.
- Couldn't deliver.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- There's not meat in the house.
- Well, what about your club?
- You're right, I'll eat there.
- Hey, you just
invented the joke.
(laughing)
- Might as well eat some grass.
(audience laughing)
- Once upon a time,
there were two family
TV shows about widows.
Now they're multiplied
into over a dozen.
How they multiply
with only one parent
has never been explained,
(audience laughing)
nor why there are so
many spouses missing.
Let's watch.
(mysterious instrumental music)
- Hi everybody,
Emery Board here.
Say, we have quite an
interesting one for you today.
We're up here in
television heaven.
Yes sir, some of your
old favorites are up here.
Why, there's Lucy's
old husband over there
and over there I see the
mother of My Three Sons.
(audience laughing)
How about this one,
the ghost of Mr. Muir?
And right down
there, Eddie's mother
with the Governor's widow.
(audience laughing)
A hot item up here.
And from the Ponderosa I
see Ben Cartwright's wife.
Hi there.
How was it living on
the old Ponderosa?
- Well, it was alright,
but do you know what
it's like to feed two boys
who eat like a horse
and one who is?
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- I can imagine that isn't easy.
Oh, excuse me!
How are you?
I imagine you're
Julia's husband.
- Oh, no, no, I'm
not Julia's husband.
He is. (audience laughing)
- Well, there is
an item I'm sure.
And of course over here,
one of your real favorites,
Sheriff Andy
Griffith's first wife.
- What do you mean first wife?
- Well, he remarried
again, you know.
Of course, it was
after a decent interval.
It was about eight seasons,
then he left Mayberry.
(audience laughing)
- That figures.
The minute you get married
on TV, they dump you.
(audience laughing)
- Sure, it's bad
for the ratings.
I ought to know, I'm
Ken Berry's TV widow.
If I hadn't kicked
off when I did,
that show never
would have made it.
- Yeah, these shows
didn't become anything
until we were gone.
- Yeah, some funny
business going on.
- Now wait a minute girls,
you don't mean to tell me
that someone would
go to that drastic a move
just to get good ratings.
(laughing)
- Well, let's put it this way.
When you get back to
earth, tell Mrs. Tim Conway
to be very, very careful.
(audience laughing)
- Well I certainly will.
So long, I'm going home.
(playful instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(paper crunching)
(playful instrumental music)
- Hit. (audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- You know, I wish my job didn't
give me so many headaches.
Every time I open a
new bottle of aspirin,
I find myself
picking cotton again.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Yesterday, I auditioned
for a part in a talkie
and the producer told
me I looked like a million.
Later, he told me
that was a little too old.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Oh, hey, they just
raised the rent in our pad
to about 40 a month,
but that still isn't too bad.
That makes it
about a buck apiece.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(playful instrumental
music) (wind blowing)
(metal banging)
(metal banging) (crashing)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(typewriter clacking)
(paper crinkling)
- And now, coming up,
the Farkels, don't forget!
- Forget?
Never!
I shall always
remember the Farkels.
- Ah yes.
- Also the Alamo and the
Maine, Pearl Harbor, and Audrey.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Say, weren't you
on the McHale's Navy?
- Yes, yes I was, but
that was cancelled.
- Oh, well, weren't
you on Rango?
- Yes I was, but
that was cancelled.
- Oh, well didn't you
have your own show
about an airplane or
something like that?
- Yes I did, yeah. (laughing)
That was cancelled.
(audience laughing)
- Well, were you ever on
The Smothers Brothers Show?
- Yes I was, yes.
Just before it was
cancelled. (audience laughing)
- Oh, well, weren't
you also on Turn-On?
- Yes, that was cancelled too.
(audience laughing)
- What did you order?
- I had the turkey.
- Cancel the turkey!
- I know, I know.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Where's Marvin?
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Say, Running Knee,
I hear that the government
has sunk a shaft or a goldmine
on Indian territory
and it's a 50-50 deal.
- Sure, government
gets the gold, Indian gets
to keep the shaft.
(audience laughing)
- Wow.
- Same old way.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- My agent told
me that if I wanted
to become a great actress
I'd have to join a workshop.
So I did and things
are going so well.
So far I've made two coffee
tables and a bookcase.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- If the war between
the administration
and the news media
gets any worse,
the President may
demand total withdrawal
of reporters from Washington.
(audience laughing)
Of course, the reporters may
request that he accompany them.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(singing)
(drum banging)
(audience laughing)
- Where is Og?
- Yesterday, Og got
hit by a bolt of lightning.
- Well, what's he doing now?
- He's trying to quit smoking.
(audience laughing)
(wood clattering)
(clapping)
- It has come to my attention...
- Has it?
- That thus far this season,
we have not had any new talent.
- I'm glad you've
been paying attention.
Now I suppose you've done
something correct this fault?
- Better than that.
I have some new talent.
- No kidding.
Bye golly, what
have you brought us,
another dancing chicken?
- Nay nay, nay nay.
I have with me
from Gary, Indiana.
- Two nay nays?
- No, no.
- No, no.
- Nay nay.
(audience laughing)
From Gary, Indiana,
the Rancihoff twins!
- Oh, I didn't know
they were in town.
(audience applauding)
- Yeah, the twins are
construction workers.
- Yes.
- That is right.
- That is right.
- We are...
- Construction workers.
- Are you?
And he asked fearlessly,
"What is your talent?"
- Well, we are glad you asked...
- That, Dan.
- We play...
- Hardhats.
- Oh, well wouldn't that
give you a headache?
- Ha ha.
- Ha ha! (audience laughing)
- Dan...
- And Dick.
- Dan, let them play.
They are artists, you know.
- Okay.
- Maestro...
- If you... - Please.
(audience laughing)
- Where are they going to do it?
Left. (audience laughing)
(celebratory instrumental music)
(bell ringing) (kazoos buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(celebratory instrumental music)
(audience applauding)
- Bravo!
- Hey, that's really something.
- We're glad...
- You liked it...
- Dan and Dick.
- It sounds...
- Even better...
- With heads...
- Under them.
- Here Dan...
- And here Dick.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
- And now a statement on
the forthcoming TV season.
- It's about time television
grew up and realized
that there's a mature
America watching.
In view of that, this season
we are not going to use
any laugh track,
any canned laughter,
or applause on our show.
Thank you.
- That was the producer
of Marcus Wilby, MD.
(audience laughing)
(funny instrumental music)
- My name is Edith Anne
and this is my house.
Sometimes I drink beer.
Daddy says,
"Babe you can have
one swallow of beer."
Momma says,
"Guy, don't give
Babe no more beer."
Poppa says, "Go on, Babe."
But I just take one little sip.
And that's the truth.
(raspberry blowing)
(audience laughing)
I could make a
tom-tom with my shoes.
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- How very nice to see you.
I was just saying our club
has always had a tasteful policy
of extending invitation
memberships to minority groups.
We did have to
cancel it last week,
when much to our surprise
one of them accepted.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Hey, who does your hair?
- My mother.
- Oh, really?
I didn't know your
mother could knit.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Listen blue eyes,
would you like to come up
to my place after the party?
- Oh, I don't think my
mother would like that.
- Okay, then we
won't invite her.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well Professor,
speaking of mustard,
what have you
done for us lately?
- Well, I've just invented
an infallicable device
to control the
population explosion.
- Oh wonderful.
- Yes, I know you'll
be excited and thrilled.
Take that pipe
out of your mouth.
You know what that means.
(audience laughing)
It works on a brand
new princicaple.
You take it every 30 seconds
and you haven't got
time to do anything else.
- Oh.
- Like dancing or singing...
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Hairy Man] Hey,
our tribe has 50 men.
We live here.
- My tribe had 50 women.
We live across the river.
(groaning)
- I have a feeling I'm
about to invent the bridge.
(audience laughing)
- [Hairy Man] I'll work
on inventing the canoe,
the pill, and marinated herring.
(audience laughing)
Hey, you want to come?
We'll invent monkeying around.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go
sleep in the grass.
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
- Ay, eh, ow.
(laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- It's getting so it
isn't safe for a girl
to walk in the streets anymore.
Why anything can happen!
- Really?
Well, let's take a walk.
(gasping)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
("Pop Goes the
Weasel" by Traditional)
- My Mom Gave Me Beans
for Breakfast, by Henry Gibson.
My mom gave me
beans for breakfast
and though some say they
nourish more than cereal,
they just don't look
right next to orange juice,
(audience laughing)
even with milk and sugar.
I was thinking of
sneaking some Wheaties,
but I'm afraid of
getting busted.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- [Announcer] This is the
off-stage announcer telling you
that I'm not the on-stage
announcer because I'm stark naked.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(dark horn music)
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(metal clanging)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(groovy instrumental music)
(calm instrumental music)
- My stars and garters,
it's time for another episode
with the Farkel family entitled,
Farkel My Stars and Garters.
Let us join Fanny and
Frank as hear Fanny say...
- Hi, I'm Frank Farkel
and that's my Fanny Farkel.
This is the family Farkel
and that's our good friend
and trusted Burfel,
Ferd Neighbor.
(audience laughing)
- You got it twisted
around, Frank.
- Twisted around, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear
Fanny, twisted around.
- Why are you wearing
those old clothes, Frank?
- Sentiment, Ferd.
These are the
clothes I met Fanny in.
- Of course, I
remember wearing them.
- No, I was wearing them.
- Tell us...
- About it.
- How did you meet...
- Father Farkel?
- I met Father Farkel this way!
- Hey!
- We were married
on a ship at say.
- We were cast adrift and
swam toward Falkland Island.
- Farkland Island,
that rings a bell.
- Just think the only
human beings there.
- And thus, we began our
family and our seven children.
- Seven children?
I see only six, one is missing.
- Missing...
- Our dear Fanny.
- Missing...
- Imagine our dear Fanny.
- Missing?
- Which Farkel could it be?
- Our first born, Flipper
Farkel, remember?
- Can't say I do.
- He was born on Farkland
Island 28 years ago this very day.
We were rescued and
we never saw him again.
- I knew we forgot
something on Falkland Island.
Oh, young Flipper, I
shall never forget him.
Who can that be?
(doorbell ringing)
(door slamming)
- Hi, I'm looking
for my parents.
28 years ago to
the day, I was born,
where my parents left me,
and they were rescued
on Farkland Island.
Do you know anyone like that?
- No, can't say I do.
- Well, my name is Flipper.
- Well, Flipper,
Frank Farkel here
and my wife, Fanny Farkel.
Fanny Flipper, Flipper
Fanny, Flipper Sparkle Farkel,
Mark Farkel Flipper,
Simon Farkel Flipper,
Garkarfle Flipper, Fritz
Farkel Flipper, Flipper Flicker.
- Hi! (audience laughing)
- Flick flip, flip
Flick, what's up?
- Oh, same old thing.
What's up to you?
- I had just been telling
about our long lost son
on Falkland Island
28 years today.
His name was Flipper.
- Flipper?
But don't you see, sir?
That's me.
Why, our stories are identical
and the resemblance
is obvious, look.
- There, Father Farkel...
- See the resemblance?
- Not the slightest.
He is obviously not a Farkel.
(audience laughing)
Why, he stands out
like a sore thumb.
This boy is
obviously an imposter.
Sorry lad, but man knows
his own son, out you go.
- Hey! (audience laughing)
- Don't forget to fail
tuning in next week, folks,
when we hear Ferd
Burfle say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine looking
imposter you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(groovy instrumental music)
(playful instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(animal chomping)
(burping) (audience laughing)
- Where have you been all day?
- I spent the day
discovering fire.
- Well, you're late.
Dinner is burned to a crisp!
(audience laughing)
- [Hairy Man] Why don't
you invent the divorce
or a kick in the kidneys?
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go
sleep in the grass.
("Hail to the Chief"
by James Sanderson)
- [Announcer] Now,
ladies and gentleman,
the Resident of
the United States.
- I've been reading a lot
about the breakdown of law
and order in this country
and I saw we
must put a stop to it,
even if it means forming
vigilante committees
and taking the law
into our own hand.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] You have
just heard an address
from the Resident
of the United States.
- Know something?
They just invented a
TV screen that thick.
- Well, what can see
on a set that thick?
- Audrey Hepburn movies.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- This program was procorder
at privious preevate session,
or is that sushion?
Oh well, one out
of 10 isn't bad.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(paper crinkling)
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- We had a very interesting day
at my kid's school last week.
They told the little devils
they could do
anything they wanted to
but by the time they
got the fire out, the paint
off the principle, and
Miss Puffer off the flagpole,
most of the little
rascals had gone home.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- With the current craze
for communal living,
they may have to change
the 9th Commandment
to thou shalt not covet
any of thy neighbors' wives.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- In my experiments on genetics,
I finally succeeded in
turning a woman into a man.
My wife doesn't like the
idea, but what does he know?
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(silly instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(audience laughing)
We'll execute a
stunning tour jete
We'll try to do a
rather deep plie
The reason we're balletic
And our toes are energetic
Is that we have
something fabulous too
Modern to say Ladies
and indeed gentlemen
Now laugh and we'll
be looking at the news
The news the news
the news the news
He's there He's there
The news A news
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(bright instrumental music)
- [Announcer] And
now the London News
with special reports from
Francis Bacon in Greece,
Brad Stuffing in Turkey,
Felix Frankfurter in Hamburg,
David Frost in Chili.
(bright instrumental
music) (audience laughing)
- Now here's the news.
With a number of
companies being investigated
for conducting contests
in which they failed
to notify all the winners,
young people are urging
that these same
companies be allowed
to conduct the draft
lottery if they promise
to run it the same way.
(audience laughing)
- In order to protect the
United States' soldiers
from disruptive influences,
the Army today declared
the following
trouble spots off limits
to military personnel:
Tijuana, Mexico; Haite-Ashbury,
San Franciso; and Jane
Fonda, Beverly Hills.
(audience laughing)
- Today in Longview,
Texas, recently 36
of the Longview school
buses were blown up.
Although the buses
were to be used
to transport black students to
predominately white schools,
the authorities said
there was no indication
that the bombings
were racially inspired.
For an explanation of
this incredible coincidence,
we take you now to the office
of an authority in
Longview, Texas.
Sir, was the blowing up
of the 36 school
buses racially inspired?
- Absolutely not.
- Well, how can you be so sure?
- Well, that's what I
read in the newspaper.
(audience laughing)
- Well, they were quoting you.
- Well, I couldn't
get a better source.
(audience laughing)
- Well anyway, whether
it was intentional or not,
this mysterious incident
has cancelled your plans
to integrate the schools.
- No, you're wrong
there, not at all, no sir.
We have activated plan b.
This very moment we have
47 taxi cabs standing by
to do the job.
(audience laughing)
(telephone ringing) Excuse me.
Hello?
Do what?
They did.
All 47 of them, huh?
(audience laughing)
Right. (receiver clicking)
Well, we can
scratch plan b, but,
even if they have to
walk to these schools,
that's the way we're
gonna get them there.
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Oh yeah.
Another incredible
coincidence, huh?
(audience laughing)
Well, I'm afraid we're gonna
have to find another school.
(receiver clicking)
(audience laughing)
- Well, what are
you going to do now?
The closest school
is in Brownsville.
- Well, that's it.
We're gonna send
them to Brownsville.
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
You don't say.
The whole town?
(audience laughing)
- That was amazing.
- No, that was Brownsville.
(audience laughing)
Well, we're gonna get
those students integrated
if we have to send them
all the way to New Mexico!
(telephone ringing)
(audience laughing)
What don't you
answer that, Harry?
If it's for me, I'm not here.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, Ruth Buzzi here,
buzzing around Hollywood
with another stinger. (laughing)
In keeping with a
long standing practice,
multi-million dollar insurance
policies were taken out today
on co-stars Maurice
Chevalier and Mae West,
who in their next picture, are
to perform a dangerous stunt,
a nude love scene.
(audience laughing)
They agreed to share
the cost of the policies.
Mr. Chevalier came across
with his premium this morning
and Miss West said she
couldn't swing hers until tomorrow.
(audience laughing)
Bye from Buzzi.
(laughing) Kissy, kissy.
(audience laughing)
- And now for this
in-depth report.
- [Well] Nothing new down here.
(audience laughing)
- Kemosabe, New Mexico.
A band of hostile Apache
Indians today swept down
on interstate highway nine
and attacked a diesel
truck delivering fruit.
The Apaches stated
they were provoked
by the puffs of the smoke
from the truck's smokestack,
which they clearly
claimed spelled out,
"Tanto is a kumquat."
(audience laughing)
(drum rolling)
- Today the president of
NBC made a plea to the people
of America to
speak out in defense
of the broadcasting industry
to counteract its critics.
We are pleased to
present the first man willing
to raise his voice for freedom
of expression, Mr. IAL Zirkon.
Mr. Zirkon.
- Well, the first
thing I want to say is
that there's some shows on NBC
that I don't think
should be allowed to...
(yelling) (audience laughing)
- And now for this
on the spot coverage.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
La da di da
Ladies and gents laugh
and look at the news
News news news newsie news
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental
music) (paper crinkling)
(metal clanging)
(audience laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
(waves crashing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(singing) (audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Miss Mushright.
You know, it's getting
harder and harder
to chase Beaters in Los Angeles.
You know, you let them
get one block ahead of you
and they vanish into thick air.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- All the people down
south aren't having trouble
with integration,
just the black folk.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- You know, Bruce?
Last night, for the first time,
I let my son pull a job with me.
Good to see the kid following
in his father's fingerprints.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
- Well the trouble with
women's liberation movement is
that most of them
are just joining
to get something
off their chest.
(audience laughing)
(groovy instrumental music)
(screaming)
- I knew it, I knew it!
You've been seeing
another woman.
- How do you know?
- Well, look at this.
There's a long blonde
hair on your club.
(audience laughing)
(drum banging)
- [Hairy Man] Now there's
a long black hair on it.
(audience laughing)
Nits, a beetle.
(silly instrumental music)
(audience laughing)
- Tonight, Laugh-In's
gonna take a look at the wor,
tonight Laugh-In's
gonna take a look
at the world of alcohol.
- You mean booze?
- Booze.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- Yes sir, whatever you call it.
Booze, hooch,
redeye, let's face it,
liquor is certainly with us.
- You son of a gun,
where you got it hidden?
- No, no. (audience laughing)
Let's not treat
the subject lightly
because you realize one
of the biggest problems
in our society today is alcohol.
- That's a sobering
thought. (audience laughing)
- A great many people you
and I know just can't handle it.
- Well, I know a guy
who can have 20 drinks
and it doesn't
bother him at all.
- No kidding, doesn't
he get roaring drunk?
- Sure, but it
doesn't bother him.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
See, there's an example of a man
who has no
resistance to alcohol.
- Well it's strange, but I've
done some research on that.
- Well, tell us about it.
- I wish you'd listen
to these figures.
- Yes.
- Last Monday, for instance,
I took one ounce of
bourbon every four hours.
- That's not so much.
- Tuesday, I took two
ounces every two hours
and Wednesday, four
ounces every hour.
- Well, what did that prove?
- Well I don't know,
but those were three
of the best days we ever had.
(audience laughing)
- What do you mean we?
- Well, I don't drink alone.
- You see, you can't enjoy
yourself without drinking.
That's a big problem.
- I can so.
- Well, just suppose
that there was no
such thing as alcohol.
- No alcohol?
Right, right.
- That's right.
Now suppose somebody
gave an office party.
- Right, right.
- And they had no booze.
- No booze.
- Now where would
that leave you?
- In bed at 8:30.
(audience laughing)
- That's what I mean.
Let's take a look at the
wonderful world of alcohol.
(hiccuping) (audience laughing)
One drink and I'm belligerent
A couple I get sad All
blue and melancholy
I get fighting,
screaming mad I cry
I fight I sniff I bite
I think we've both been had
Let's quite the booze,
it's later than we think
'Til then let's have
another drinkie
To keep us in the pinkie
A double scotch and water
To lead this little
lamb to slaughter
Just a light libation can
cure a troubled nation
Let's both have one more drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
Nobody knows I'm drunk
until I fall right on my face
One belt and I'm so happy I
could fly through outer space
I'm cool I'm hot
I'm reserved I'm not
This must be the place
In everybody's
armor there's a chink
So buddy bring a double
voddy to locomote the body
I like a triple martin
Just to make sure
my heart is startin'
Get your problems mastered
It's easy when you're plastered
So let's have one more drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
They say it's better than grass
Nicer than pills
It's safer than LSD
to banish all your ills
It's slower than speed
It's faster than hash
And underneath
our country's eagle
Is the only stuff that's legal
I'm boring and I'm bloated
I get sexy when I'm high
I constantly repeat myself
I kiss each single
guy I'm dull Let's kiss
A bore I kiss They
say As Time Goes By
You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
- I'll drink to that!
- It...
I think the ship of
love is gonna sink
- Where's my pony?
'Til then it's just
a little bourbon
When life is too disturbin'
A little shot of whiskey
Then everything is really misty
Life is too bucolic
Become an alcoholic
And let's have one more
Please pour one more
One more rotten
lousy stinkin' drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
- But actually the first
mention of liquor in literature
appears in a 300 page volume
written by a medial monk.
The first page describes
his newly acquired recipe
for distilling brandy.
(audience laughing)
The rest of the book,
however, is illegible.
(audience laughing)
- I'll drink to that.
(audience laughing)
- There are at least
three million alcoholics
in the United States who
are currently employed.
However, not all of
those three million
can remember where they work.
(audience laughing)
- I know a guy who's such a
drunk Alcoholics Anonymous
got an unlisted number to
keep him from calling so often.
(audience laughing)
(banging)
- I know my rights, Ocifer
and I am entitled to
make a phone call.
I want to make it and
I want to make it now.
(banging)
- Okay, here's the phone.
- Okay, here's the phone.
- Okay.
- Okay, I'll dial.
(dialing)
Hello, Acme Liquor Store?
Do you deliver?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're so disgusting
I can't look at you.
You're such a slob.
All you do is sit
around all the time,
drinking, drinking, drinking.
I slave in this
crummy dump all day.
You don't care.
You're not the least bit
interested in taking me
out of here so I can
get away from it all.
You pig. (audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(sultry jazz music)
- And furthermore, George,
you still haven't painted
the front of the house.
Every weekend you say
you will but you just sit
around the house,
watching TV and drinking.
I don't know why I
ever married you.
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- But then, George, I
guess I am partly to blame.
You work hard and
I do tend to nag you.
Listen honey,
let's get dressed up
and go out on the town tonight
and then come back home
for a little nightcap,
you know what I mean?
(laughing)
- Yeah, baby, you're right.
I'm gonna have one more
little snort for the road-a-rooney.
(audience laughing)
- And if you don't start
getting home on time,
you can just start
cooking your own meals,
you big dummy!
(audience laughing)
- I did it again,
one drink too many.
Go make the pancakes.
(audience laughing)
(silly instrumental music)
(telephone ringing)
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
I'm coming!
(telephone ringing)
(upbeat jazz music)
I'm coming!
Hello?
Leonard, it's for you.
- I told the hospital never
to call me this
time of the morning.
(audience laughing)
- You wait here, Lenny,
have another drink.
I'll get it. (laughing)
- You're beautiful, easy, easy.
(audience laughing)
- I'll get it.
- [Leonard] You go
ahead and get it for me.
- Don't worry
about it for a minute.
I'll get it. (groaning)
These steep stairs.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Hello, hello?
- Hey, what a great connection!
Sounds like you're
in the next room.
- I am in the next room.
Hello?
They hung up.
(audience laughing)
- They say good
whiskey's aged 12 years.
My uncle drinks it and
he's aged 50 years.
(audience laughing)
(hiccuping)
- Officer, these two
gentlemen friends
and I would like to
make a phone call.
- Alright, you want
to use that phone?
- Okay, you make it.
Here is a dime.
- You got a dime?
Thank you.
- No, over here.
- Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Here, over here, that's okay.
- Well, no, I'll get it.
Don't worry.
- There it is.
- Give him a hand.
(mumbling)
- A little more to the right.
- While you're down
there, get me a cigarette.
(audience laughing)
(mumbling)
- I got it.
- Good work.
- Let me see.
- Here you go.
(singing)
- Real close.
(audience laughing)
Pass the dime.
(bell ringing)
(telephone ringing)
- 13th precinct.
- Hello, are you booking a
guy named Hobo Haley Jr.?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, this is the President
of the United States.
- Oh, yes sir.
- Release him!
(audience laughing)
- And his friends.
- And his friends.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(telephone clanging)
(sultry jazz music)
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, how clumsy of me.
I hope I didn't hurt you.
Here, let me buy you a drink.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no
thank you, I'm a schoolteacher.
I just stepped in to enjoy
the air conditioning
this afternoon.
That's all.
- Oh, it is awfully hot today.
Why don't we sit down together
and have a nice, cool drink
and put that...
- Well,
well my arm is a
bit stiff or sprained...
- Well I'm so sorry
to have done that.
I just didn't look
where I was going.
- Thank you.
- What do you like?
- Well, I don't really
know a lot about drinking.
I, oh gee, my
arm's got a little kink
in it.
- I'm so sorry.
- I did see once on
television I saw a lady
who had a drink and it
looked like water, you know...
- Water.
- And it had a
little olive in it.
- Oh, that's a martini.
- Oh, a martini.
- Let me order you one.
Waitress.
- Yeah, what's it gonna be?
- I think I'll have
scotch on the rocks.
Would you bring
the lady a martini?
- Could you bring
me that in a teacup?
Do you mind that?
- Oh no no.
- She's a little embarrassed
for being in a bar.
- Oh, I see.
Monica, give me
a scotch and water
and the schoolteacher's
back for the regular!
(audience laughing)
- [All] Alka-Seltzer,
Alka-Seltzer, Alka-Seltzer,
Alka-Seltzer.
(audience laughing)
- That concludes our
in-depth study of drinking.
- Would you please hold it down?
My hangover.
- You've got a hangover?
(audience laughing) (moaning)
You got a hangover just
from an in-depth study
of drinking here?
- Well, actually, I've
been doing a little research
at home, too, you know.
- Oh.
In depth?
- About six fingers.
(audience laughing)
- I suppose that could
bring on a hangover.
- Well, right now I'm working
on a cure for hangovers.
- How you doing?
- Well, I almost have it.
All I need is a
little more time.
- What's your cure?
- Well, actually, here it is.
First thing thing
in the morning...
- Yeah.
- Six shots of bourbon
with a beer chaser.
(audience laughing)
- That's not gonna
cure your hangover.
You're just postponing it.
- I told you I need
a little more time.
(audience laughing)
You find there's
very little laughter
At dawn the morning after
So reach for Bloody Mary
The eyes are crossed,
the tongue is hairy
Though the head is pounding
and nausea's abounding
Let's all have one more
Please more, one more
One more rotten
lousy stinking drink
- I'll drink to that!
(audience laughing)
(playful piano music)
(slide whistle blowing)
(playful piano music)
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Pine-Sol
that cleans more than 100% clean
because it kills
household germs.
(dark jazz music)
- Well, it looks like it's
about time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- Before we do that,
I'd like to tell the folks
who was on the show tonight.
- Well, everybody knows
who's on the show tonight.
They just saw them.
- Well not just the people
who tuned in to see them.
- Oh.
- They might want to
know who they just missed.
- That's not a bad idea.
- First of all, Ruth Buzzi
did a great love scene
with Jack Lemmon.
- Jack Lemmon wasn't
on the show tonight.
- The people who just
tuned in won't know that.
(audience laughing)
- Don't lie to them.
- And after Steve
McQueen's dance number,
Charlton Heston, he came
out and did his rendition
of Bluebirds of Happiness
on musical spoons.
(audience laughing)
- Charlton Heston
did that on this show?
- Sure, he was filling
in for Elliott Gould.
- Oh. (audience laughing)
- He went on right
before Paul Newman...
- Paul Newman.
- Whistled a theme song
from the movie I, a Woman.
- Yeah. (audience laughing)
Well, for those of
you who just tuned in,
Cary Grant, Howard Hughes,
and Averell Harriman were
not on the show tonight.
- Gee, I was looking
forward to seeing them.
- They were all
played Arte Johnson.
Say goodnight anyway, Dick.
- Goodnight anyway, Dick.
- Goodnight.
(audience applauding)
(happy instrumental music)
- My mother was so meticulous
that she nursed
me through a stole.
(audience laughing)
- The other day my horse
accidentally shot himself,
so I had to break his leg.
(audience laughing)
- Today I had all my teeth
capped for Christian Science.
(audience laughing)
- Endifort!
- Endifort.
- Do you notice he...
(speaking in a foreign language)
(laughing)
- That is so lousy.
His joke quality is lousy.
(speaking in a foreign language)
He's gonna do that all night.
I'll be back in a minute.
(speaking in a foreign language)
Okay, beam me back now.
Oh look, it's Hugh Ness.
How are you doing today girls?
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Barbara?
Barbara, Barbara.
You know I started
wearing a copper bracelet.
- Oh, has it helped
your arthritis?
- No, but it goes real well
with my copper earrings.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- There's no truth to the rumor
that when
conservationists make love,
they give each other heckles.
(audience laughing)
- I think that's so rude.
Do you have a mother?
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- Put that on a
cracker, that's fantastic.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- Why are people always
looking for solutions to problems?
- [Dan] I don't know.
- Like overpopulation
and DDT in the food?
- [Dan] There you go.
- Seems to me that
one solves the other.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Lily!
- [Lily] Yes?
- Have you heard the saying
you can't teach an
old dog new tricks?
- Well indeed, I taught my
dog to say it just this morning.
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
- A friend of mine
graduated from the University
of Hong Kong, magna cum laundry
and an hour later,
he was dumb again.
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about the
judge who sentenced the hippy
by singing Shave and
a Haircut Two Years?
(audience laughing)
- I didn't hear about that
but I saw Raquel Welch
making a movie the other day.
Boy, does she look
great on that set.
- Vice versa too. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Seems strange when in Vietnam,
the military is involved
in a police action
and at home police are
involved in military actions.
(audience laughing)
- The only trouble with
these flag designed clothes is
that every time they play
Taps my pants fall to half-mast.
(speaking in a foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(slide whistle blowing)
(trombone playing)
(piano banging)
(funny instrumental music)
(basketball bouncing)
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(wind whooshing)
(motorcycle engine buzzing)
(audience laughing)
(funny instrumental music)
(spring bouncing)
(typewriter dinging)
(paper crinkling)
(fire exploding)
(audience laughing)
- It's me again, Mr. President.
I sleep better at night
knowing the country is
in such good hands
and so, Mr. President,
as long as you
tell me what to do,
I will always remain
true red, white and blue.
(tapping) (silly horn music)
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but it
was no McHale's Navy.
It wasn't even a Ringo.
(audience laughing)
- Wolfgang.
(branch crunching)
(audience laughing)
- That was Rango.
(branch crunching)
- Ringo, Rango.
It was a Wrong-o believe me.
(audience laughing)
If we had a bomb like that,
you would have a tremendous
German accent now.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna go back
to the bunker now
and wait for the next bomb.
(laughing)
- Oh, relax pussycat.
I saw your show.
- Thank you.
- It was a real weiner.
(audience laughing)
- That's winner.
- Huh?
- Winner.
- Huh?
- Winner.
- That next to summer?
(laughing)
(leaf crunching)
Winner, weiner, it's a goody.
You're gonna be alright
and someday the magic
will strike your head
like a bolt lightning and
you'll have your own show.
(laughing)
- It is my own show.
- It's your own show?
Listen, would you do me a favor?
I'm a little worried
around here.
Reserve me a bush, make it
two and I'll bring Max Dillman.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
(foreboding instrumental music)
(banging)
(audience laughing)
- Mervin, that was magnificent.
- Boo.
- Boys and girls,
this is my first time.
Treat me kind.
(clapping) (funky
percussive music)
(bells ringing)
- [Announcer] We're off!
(clapping)