Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 24 - Episode #4.24 - full transcript
(melodic string and harp music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Fernando?
- Yes.
- Did you ever make any
pictures with Esther Williams?
- Yes, I made two,
one like this (squeaking)
and one like this (squeaking).
(laughing)
- Oh that Henny Youngman.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, oh, Mr. Crenna,
oh I'm glad you're here.
But, beware, looking at
my body drives men mad.
- Well if I had to
look at it for too long,
I'd get pretty mad myself.
- Oh!
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
- (groaning) Water, water.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Towel, towel.
- Oh, ho, they're
starting very early tonight.
- You're all wet, Dick.
(screaming)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
(crying)
People do the craziest things
The spookiest,
kookiest, craziest things
Like working in an
office from nine till three
When they could be
swinging in the Pawpaw tree
People act the silliest way
The looniest,
gooniest, silliest way
Like dancing to a
record of rock 'n' roll
When they could be
a-jumpin' down a bunny hole
Or chewing on a postman,
talking to a butterfly
Picking up a big backyard
Instead of working on an ulcer
Sweating at the laundromat
Looking at a movie
starring George Peppard
People do the dummiest
things, the dopiest, mopiest,
Crummiest things
Like driving on the
freeways in rented cars
Or drinking dry
martinis in tacky bars
Or spending all that
money to go to Mars
Those dummy dingalings
People are the
crummiest, craziest things
- Hey, you think you people
have population problems,
I've got 25 relatives
living in my pouch.
(audience laughing)
- Meow, there's getting to
be so much mercury in fish,
on a warm day
I'm an inch taller.
(audience laughing)
- Say, listen, if that Hugh
Hefner comes around
once more and asks me
to pose for a centerfold,
I'll just plotz.
(audience laughing)
- I hear they're changing
the name of the TV show
Wild Kingdom to the Survivors.
- Oh, roar off.
- You know, there's one kind
of a person a kangaroo hates.
It's a pickpocket.
(audience laughing)
- My owner had me fixed.
How about that?
She's the one with eight kids.
(audience laughing)
People do the craziest things
The boringest,
snoringest, laziest things
Like going at each other
with guns and knives
Or taking out insurance
on worthless lives
Or doing hanky panky
with best friends' wives
Those crummy ringadings
People do the
crummiest, craziest things
Roar, cheep, woof,
hop, Whinny, hiss, moo.
(audience applauding)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Berserk Company,
preempts its test pattern
and substitutes Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(lively music)
Starring the
firm-handed Dan Rowan
and the soft-headed Dick Martin.
And, special guest star,
middle-aged child actor
Richard Crenna.
(audience laughing)
And, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues.
And, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
and the bouncing bunions
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with these words for men
with thinning,
receding hairlines.
Hi, baldy.
(audience laughing)
- You know what they say
about cigarette commercials?
They're gone for good
like a cigarette should.
- No, it's as a
cigarette should.
- As, like, what's
the difference,
as long as you're healthy.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Marcelo, I saw your
wonderful picture, 17.
- Now that was eight and a half.
- I know, but I liked it so much
I saw it twice, boom, boom.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(feet tapping)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Water, water,
water.
- Yes?
- Water.
- Sorry, I thought
you said waiter.
(audience laughing)
- Here come two
cavaliers to face each other
on the field of honor.
(comical music)
(tapping)
(slapping)
(slide whistle whistling)
Uh oh, looks like dumbo's
getting the worst of it.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
(crunching)
- Oh Miss Debbie Sheldon,
you worked your way up
to being Miss
U.S.A., didn't you?
- Oh yes, before I won
the Miss U.S.A. Pageant,
I was Miss Virginia.
- Oh well, I won a
beauty contest once,
but then I didn't
get any further.
- What contest did you win?
- Oh, I was Miss 115 South
Elm Street, apartment B,
Wicketyquot, Connecticut.
I lived there alone.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, poor baby.
- Yeah, I know.
(audience laughing)
- A Laugh-In fable.
A grasshopper sang and
played all summer long.
The ant, however, worked
hard and stored food away.
Then winter came and
they both froze to death.
(audience laughing)
And, now here's
another Laugh-In fable,
Dick and Dan?
(audience applauding)
- Good evening.
There's only one of us here.
Thank you very much and good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We know you're going to enjoy...
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me.
Hi there.
- Well, almost afraid to ask.
What is this, this outfit?
You got a new hobby?
- No, no, as we archeologists
say, same old thing.
- Same old thing and
you in archeology?
- No, there's no
U in archeology.
(audience laughing)
Here, I'll show you.
(pole clattering)
- Somebody hold his hammer.
- Archeology, (laughing)
let's see archeology,
R, R, R.
- R for archeology?
- R for rocks.
- Oh, for rocks.
- Yeah, archeologists
always look under rocks.
- That's true.
Now, I suppose you know
all about the prehistoric times.
- Of course, the
world's first newspaper,
the Prehistoric Times.
- Oh... (audience laughing)
- All the news
that's fit to carve.
(audience laughing)
- I don't wanna listen to this.
If you're such an expert,
tell us how old is the Earth?
- Glad to.
It'll be 29 a week from Tuesday.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's absurd,
the Earth is millions of,
billions of years old.
- Well, it certainly
doesn't look it.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well it's kept
its looks, I didn't...
You really haven't learned
much about ancient history
even if you do have
your fount of facts.
- I happen to be one of the
world's leading authorities
on you know, they have
the big desert and the Sphinx.
- Egyptol, Egyptol,
Egypt, Egypt,
that's what you know about.
You must be acquainted
with Ramses and Amenhotep.
- Oh sure, the juggling act
we worked with in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Ramses and Amenhotep
died centuries ago in Egypt.
- Well, they didn't go over
too well in Cleveland either.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about
ancient rulers of Egypt,
old pharaohs like King Tut.
- Well, Tut was okay
but he had an uncle
they keep a close eye on.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
That doesn't fit, does it?
- No, not really.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- What else would you call him?
- I don't know.
Why is one missing?
Your knowledge of Egypt's
kings is certainly superficial.
- Well, thank you.
- That's all right.
- And, I even know
more about pyramids.
- Oh, you know about pyramids?
- For instance, did you
know that 80% of a pyramid
is under water?
(audience laughing)
- That's an iceberg.
- Ah ha, but in the desert
it's called a sandberg.
(audience laughing)
- A sandberg?
- The largest one is the
famous Carl Sandburg.
- Carl Sandburg.
(audience laughing)
- Right outside of Cairo.
- Just that, you know,
who built the pyramids?
- Uh, Howard Hughes?
- No, the pyramids were
built by thousands of slaves.
- Ah ha, right and
they did it on a Monday
in just seven hours.
(audience laughing)
- They didn't... How
could they do that?
- Ah, they didn't
break for lunch.
(audience laughing)
- No coffee (mumbles).
- Why is one missing?
- No.
I don't suppose you ran
across any rare animals
in this monumental
study of archeology?
- Matter of fact I did.
- Rare animals?
- I ran into the very extinct
orange gopher.
- What's an orange gopher?
- Oh about three for a quarter.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I gonna
go to the party.
- I'd love to.
Maybe I gotta dig
up a date for you.
(bullet ricocheting)
(lively dance music)
- You know, Walter Hickel
might have turned out
to be a great conservationist,
if he just learned
to save his own skin.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- You know I'm
on a new garlic diet
which requires you to put
garlic on everything you eat.
So far I've lost two
pounds and eight friends.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Ha, ha, ha,
ha, hi ya, tootsie.
You know, I bet that
you think you're gonna be
a big movie star, don't ya?
- Well, I really hadn't
thought about it.
- Well, don't.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- You know when
Bobby Baker went to jail,
he said he would, "Do his duty."
Hey, if he had done his duty,
he wouldn't have to go to jail.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- (squealing) In English courts,
lawyers are called solicitors.
Do you realize that
if I were in England,
I would be called a lawyer?
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Say Debbie, why don't
we go out for a few drinks
and then go to my place.
- Dick, don't you ever
get tired of fooling around?
- You're right,
let's skip the drinks
and go straight to my place.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Oh, we just started
making a movie about
the United States
government yesterday
and it's so authentic
that we're already
10 million over budget.
- Oh, oh, now they're in
trouble with the Pentagon.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Despite numerous
requests, the cocktail party
will resume after this
important message.
Ah, Mrs. Owens, I'll
be home about 9:30.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(laughing)
- Gee, no wonder some
misguided nitwits call us pigs.
I mean, in order to
bring home the bacon,
we have to take
a lot of garbage.
(squealing)
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Hey, Boomer here.
Yesterday was quite a day.
First it was love-15,
then love-30, then love-40,
then I had to go
out and play tennis.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- A spokesman for the
Gay Liberation Front
suggest that men's fashion
should be more conservative.
Skirts, but well below the knee.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(audience applauding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
- Marcelo, don't you
think it's silly for women
to get emotionally involved
the first time they see you
on the screen?
(giggling)
Mama mia, you're
some spicy meatball!
(audience laughing)
- Okay, lovers of the occult,
here's Laugh-In's
prediction lady.
- Time to sneak a
peek at the future.
(organ music)
(audience laughing)
I predict that in 1978,
just a minute, it's
coming to me, it's coming,
it's coming, I'm getting
it now, it's coming.
(audience laughing)
George Hamilton will stop
believing in the tooth fairy.
(audience laughing)
(organ music)
And, in 1979, the tooth
fairy will stop believing in
George Hamilton.
(audience laughing)
(organ music)
What did I say?
(organ music)
- Uh, uh, now they're
gonna get letters
from all the tooth fairies.
(audience laughing)
Here comes one now.
- If it's one thing I am from
business show have learned,
it's English.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
- (mumbles)
Rensahoff, I love it.
I love it, I love the office,
I love the Venetian blinds,
I love the floor and the desk.
I love the paperwork.
I love it all, Rensahoff
Tell me, who's the
commanding general here?
- You are, sir.
- By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
Get me Washington on the phone.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, immediately.
The flag, I love it all.
I love it.
- Here you are, sir.
- Hello, Washington?
Washington, yes, let me
speak to the President.
(grunting) I know he's busy.
You idiot, you
think I don't know
what's going on around there?
Let me speak to the President.
Hello, Lyndon?
Who?
(audience laughing)
Tricky who?
(audience laughing)
By gad, why wasn't
I informed of this?
Now, well all the
trouble is Rensahoff,
there's no fitness here.
The men have got to
be fit, Rensahoff, fit, fit,
like Captain Mangers,
oh Captain Mangers.
I've been sharing quarters
with Captain Mangers
for over a year.
Ah, I've never seen
better chest expansion.
- But sir, Captain
Mangers is a WAC.
- By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
(audience laughing)
Oh, it's not like it
used to be Rensahoff.
It's just not like
it used to be.
In the old days, no I
love this, forgive me,
but I love it, the office,
the war, the linoleum,
the desk, and the pen.
I love it all, the Venetian
blinds, the office,
I love it.
Oh read me my record
Rensahoff, read it to me.
- Yes sir.
- Read it to me.
Tell me about it.
- General Thomas Tang.
That was me, yes, that's me.
- 1st Battalion, gallantry
during the Battle of Oregon.
- I was there Rensahoff,
I was there.
- Bravery during
the Battle of Marne.
- I was there, yes, as far as
you could see, I was there.
(audience laughing)
- Killed in action, World War I.
- Killed?
By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(exploding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(exploding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
(kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, I couldn't help,
I couldn't help but notice
that you are in
terribly good condition.
(audience laughing)
- Help, help, what?
- There's a certain
suppleness and lightness
about your person and body.
I was wondering how
did you maintain that
um, wonderful exterior?
I mean, is it, working
out or recreate,
or is it, you know, just all
those husbands chasing you?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, he's my closest friend.
Marcelo Mexicali.
(audience laughing)
- Here they come again.
Ready to do the honorable thing.
Honorable, schmonorable.
(kazoo music)
(slapping)
(pounding)
(slide whistle whistling)
Oh, fell for the old
rock in the glove bit.
(lively music)
(feet tapping)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
And, now I'd like to...
- Oh, Mr. Crenna, do
you know that I auditioned
for the part of Hot Lips
Houlihan in MASH?
- Oh really, Gladys?
I guess your lips
weren't hot enough.
- Oh, no, no, no.
The producer
didn't check my lips.
But, he touched my
nose and said it was cold.
And, then he gave me a
biscuit and sent me home.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that terrible?
- It sure is.
Look, on your way home,
would you deliver this newspaper?
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
Uh, oh, another dumbo
fell for the old rock
in the purse bit.
(audience laughing)
- (screaming) Fernando?
- Yes?
- (giggling) Do suave,
sophisticated Latin lovers
kiss on the first date?
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
(audience laughing)
- Well sir, tonight Laugh-In
looks at the mod world
of religion and the clergy.
- Good heavens.
- Exactly.
- Did you know, there
are more than 14 religions
being practiced in the
United States today?
- And, they're gonna
keep on practicing
till they get it right.
(audience laughing)
- Now, come on.
There's a problem the
church is now facing,
lack of attendance.
As a matter of fact,
President Nixon
frequently discusses that
very issue with Billy Graham.
- Billy Graham's
been skipping church?
(audience laughing)
- Oh now, come on,
Dick, it's a serious matter.
Times are changing.
Many new ideas are being
dealt with by the clergy.
Every Saturday and Sunday.
- And, Wednesday.
- Wednesday?
What religion meets
on Wednesday?
- Well, it's a new one,
started in California.
They worship rocks and eat nuts.
- Worship rocks and eat nuts?
- Or is it they worship nuts
and eat rocks, I don't know,
it's one of those,
I can't remember.
(audience laughing)
- And, they meet
only on Wednesday.
- Well, that's the only day
they can get the skating rink.
(audience laughing)
- They hold services
in a skating rink?
- Well, it's sort of
a holy roller derby.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, no.
I, I wonder, I wonder
why I'm going on with this.
I wonder why I never heard
of that particular denomination.
- Well, why not come to
church next Wednesday
and ask the all-knowing,
mysterious, supreme Foonman.
- Gee, I don't know, Dick.
- Just bring a humble
heart and your own skates.
- I see.
(audience laughing)
I guess like most
people I'm more familiar
with a priest or
rabbi or a minister.
- Oh, I know that
one (laughing).
(audience laughing)
So, the priest
said to the rabbi,
"Rabbi, now that we
can eat meat on Friday,
"when are you gonna
start eating pork?"
And, the rabbi said...
- "At your wedding, Father."
(audience laughing)
- You've heard it.
- Well, who hasn't heard it?
Always the priest or the
rabbi gets the punchline.
I bet there's not one
story where the minister
gets the joke.
- I know one.
- Yeah?
- So, the priest
says to this minister,
"Now that we can
eat meat on Friday,
"when are you gonna
start eating pork?"
(giggling)
- So, what did the minister say?
- "At the rabbi's wedding."
(audience laughing)
- But, the minister
didn't get the joke.
- I know, they never do.
(audience laughing)
- Moving right along, fans.
Let's go to the mod world
of religion and the clergy.
We don't care
what anyone tells ya
We got a new religion
And we are preachin' it today
It's not wild or weird or odd
It puts the go back into god
So, come on and everybody pray
And, we will beat on the drum
Crash the cymbal
Shakin' on the tambourine
Feel the spirit
flowing through ya
Hare Krishna Hallelujah
Every drunk and
falling down junkie
Adores this new religion
They think it's
really here to stay
Every singer who's prodigious
Tries to make his rock religious
Sacred music's making people pay
Come on, let's everybody pray
La, la, la, la, la We
will come rejoicing
Do, do, do, do, do, do Peace
(audience applauding)
- Why is it the churches
and temples raise money
to build multi-million
dollar houses of worship
where they ask for
money to help the poor?
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Oh Reverend, Reverend
Homily, good bye.
So, sorry to see you
leave our parish (laughing).
Never knew what sin
was till you came here.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Those church picnics.
(audience laughing)
Amen
- Gentlemen, as you know
each week the President
has had the services in
the White House chapel
conducted by a clergyman
of a different faith.
Unfortunately, all of you
were invited at the same time.
But, only the
rabbi is scheduled.
I'm terribly sorry about
the inconvenience.
- [Richard] She
says you can leave.
- So, I guess
it is quite a pity.
I've come all the
way from Boston.
I may not even get
a chance to speak.
- Well, it is a shame.
My goodness, I've worked
two weeks on my sermon.
It might never be used.
- Well, that's a shame,
I'd like to have heard it.
- You think you got
troubles, hoo hoo.
Sunday's my day off.
(audience laughing)
- My mother said
become an altar boy
and it'll make a man out of you.
And, look at the
schmot I'm wearing.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(comical organ music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, isn't this just
a little bit of Heaven?
- Hi Annie, Barbara,
glad to see ya.
- Oh, Dick Martin.
How did you ever
make it to Heaven?
- Well, I guess
they didn't find out
about that little incident
in Kansas City in 1968.
(slide whistle whistling)
(audience laughing)
- [Arte] Gotcha.
(audience laughing)
(drumming music)
Amen
(sneezing)
- God bless you.
- [Gary] Stop
ordering me around.
(audience laughing)
- Behold, the commercial cometh.
- [Gary] Thank you.
(lively dance music)
- For years, the Pope has
been against legalized divorce.
And why shouldn't he?
He's not married.
(audience laughing)
- Bravo, bravo.
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- No wonder my
sermonette ratings are bad.
They've got me
in a lousy time slot.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Gee, I haven't been to
church in a month of Sundays.
(church bells ringing)
(audience laughing)
(church bells ringing)
(lively music)
- Do you believe?
- I believe.
- Do you truly believe?
- I truly believe.
(audience laughing)
- What do you truly believe?
- I truly believe you're
trying to drown me.
(audience laughing)
- One area in which women
have proven successful
in the clergy is
that of evangelist,
like Amy Semple MacPherson
and Katherine Kuhlman
whose flamboyant,
theatrical manner
distinguishes them in public.
We wonder, however,
if this style carries over
into their home lives.
- I'm home Katie.
- He's home.
He says he's home.
(audience laughing)
And, he's home.
You're home.
(audience laughing)
He's home my friends.
And, he's ready for dinner.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, actually I'm not.
- He's not.
You hear that, my friends,
he's not ready for dinner.
(audience laughing)
Sit down, sir, sit
down, sir, and tell us.
Tell us the story as
it happened to you.
- What story?
I just, I've had a late
lunch, just a cheeseburger.
- A cheeseburger.
(audience laughing)
Oh did you hear that word,
my friends, cheeseburger?
Tell us about the cheeseburger.
- Well, there's nothing
much to tell, really.
With a little slice of on...
It was just a simple cheese...
I grabbed it at about 2:30.
- He grabbed a
cheeseburger at 2:30.
Oh, my friends, do you
see this man's dilemma?
(audience laughing)
At 2:30 he grabbed a
cheeseburger and now,
now, he's not hungry.
He doesn't want
dinner.
(audience laughing)
- That's about right.
- Oh, but don't you see?
Food is the
substance of the body.
(audience laughing)
You must eat to live
and fulfill this destiny.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all
right, I'll eat, I'll eat.
Bring the dinner.
- Oh, oh I'm sorry.
I didn't have time
to make dinner.
You see, at 2:30 I
grabbed a cheeseburger.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Cheeseburger (drumming)
- In God we trust.
- [Gary] Void where
prohibited by law.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Sister, we better
get back to the convent.
You drive and I'll pray.
- What's the matter,
don't you trust my praying?
(audience laughing)
- There's a generation
gap all around us,
even among
members of the clergy.
(church bell ringing)
- $13.63.
Father O'Malley if you
don't mind my saying so,
that's the worst, the
worst Sunday collection
we've ever had.
- Ooo, is it now?
And, which mass was that?
- For all four of them.
- Terrible, terrible, terrible.
- We gotta do something
to boost attendance,
no question about it.
- We have an idea that may help.
- Look, for instance,
we've been thinking about
those gasoline
contests, brilliant idea.
You tell him.
- Yeah, why don't we give
baseball cards with
pictures of the saints?
And, everybody
that gets a full set
wins the contest.
- Yes, and suppose
as first prize,
you'll be handing
out a sainthood now.
- Oh no, we were just
thinking about a trip to Hawaii.
- Hold on.
I kinda like Father
O'Malley's idea better.
- Mine wasn't bad though.
- What next?
To, to, to, to, next
you'll wanna be showing
videotaped highlights
of last Sunday's sermon.
- That's great, now
you're gettin' it on.
Phone-in confessions.
- Yeah, at the beep you have
25 seconds to recite your sins.
Oh, I love it.
- I won't hear another word.
This is a church,
not a supermarket.
Now, be off with
the both of you.
I'm very busy.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
- Well, I have a meeting
with the Mother Superior.
We have to plan next
week's raffle and bingo party.
- It's not a bad beginning.
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah, we'd just do
better with a roulette wheel
and a crap table.
- Uh huh, uh huh.
- Oy vey!
(audience laughing)
Friends it's simple
Shakin' on the tambourine
Spread the word with dramaturgy
Groovy hymns and swinging clergy
We don't care
what anyone tells ya
You'll love our new religion
Disciples dressed in hip array
Do your best whenever possible
Dig our spaced out heavy gospel
We've tried converting
Doris Day No go
So come on let's everybody pray
La, la, la, la We
will come rejoicing
Do, do, do, do, do, do Love
(audience applauding)
- Dick.
(shouting)
Dick.
- Well, I'm sorry, I dozed off.
Wasn't that a dull
sermon, though?
- What sermon?
We've just done the
mod world of religion.
- Ha, which reminds
me of the joke
where the minister
gets the punchline.
- I don't think I wanna hear it.
- Well, the rabbi
says to the priest,
"When are you gonna start
eating the corned beef?"
And, the priest says, "At
the minister's wedding."
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, hold it.
Now, suddenly the
priest becomes a rabbi,
the pork is turned
into corned beef,
and the minister
disappeared altogether.
- Saints preserve
us, another miracle.
(comical music)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- The President
and Richard Nixon
are one in the same person.
Think about it, have you
ever seen him together?
(audience laughing)
- When you care enough
to send the very best,
send it twice.
(audience laughing)
- You can always tell
when you're in a Burbank
ice cream parlor.
The super special flavor of
the week is always vanilla.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know what
this mean in Burbank?
Nothing, I just...
(audience laughing)
- The same thing that
means in Argentina.
(audience laughing)
- What is it like to
make love to all those,
those many, those different...
I mean, isn't it exhausting?
- Yes, really.
(audience laughing)
Very exhausting.
Can you imagine what
mean to make love scene
in the bed with an actress?
- No.
- There is first this problem.
You see this.
(gasp)
You never have to show this.
- It hangs over?
- You have to kiss
her so you have a,
I don't know, but
never show your eyes
to the audience, always her.
- Why?
- Well, because,
I don't know why.
Because she's the
wife of the producer.
(audience laughing)
Then in the end there you always
you feel pain here in your back.
Not because you made love.
- Right.
- Because the
position are already
so strange.
- It's not real.
- Oh yeah.
- Unnatural?
- Well, we can't
talk about that.
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Gosh-a-rooney, Richard Crenna.
I remember way back
to when you, you played
Walter Denton on
Our Miss Brooks.
- Well, thank you.
- Can you still do that voice?
- Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton
has his hand caught in a locker.
- (laughing) That's great.
- It is not, he's turning blue.
(audience laughing)
- Time once again for
another visit with the folks
who live in that big
white house on the hill.
- Daddy bird, Mommy bird.
- That was the
last administration.
- Whatever.
This is the boy that
I'm going to marry.
- Hmm, are you
in school, my boy?
- No sir.
- Do you work?
- No sir.
- Are you in the Army?
- No ma'am.
- Well then, how would
you like a cabinet post?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, why I'd
love it, thank you.
- Well, okay, you've got it,
but you can't marry my daughter.
- Why not?
- Well, I don't want
her married to a man
with such an uncertain future.
(audience laughing)
- Here they come again to
do battle on the field of honor.
(kazoo music)
(thudding)
(thudding)
This time, dummy dumbo fell for
the old hammer
on the head trick.
Weeks, weeks.
(slide whistle whistling)
(cart puttering)
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
(cart puttering)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(cartoonish twanging)
- I'd do anything
to get in the movies.
- You'll probably have to.
- If I had two, I'd be a star.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Ernestine, come
out... (clapping)
Folks, you all know Ernestine.
(audience applauding)
Ernestine, Ernestine.
We understand you have a record.
- A record?
- Yeah.
- Ma Bell would never hire
anyone who's been in trouble
with the law.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, we understand
you've made a record album.
- Oh yes, I have
made a record album.
It's of some of my
more memorable calls
with customers and friends.
- Good.
- Oh, when are you
coming out with it?
- Oh, this blouse
always gives me trouble.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no.
- But, if you've got it,
flaunt it, I always say.
- True, yes.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Not the blouse, Ernestine,
we're talking about your album.
When are you gonna,
when's the album coming out?
- Oh, we're going to
release the album very soon.
- Good.
- What's your cover like?
- Oh, usually a flannel
blanket but I do have a...
(audience laughing)
- Now, Buzzi has said, what
is on the cover of your album?
- Oh, the cover of my album.
- Yes.
- Well, you know nowadays
photographs of gorgeous women
scantily clad are very popular.
- Ah.
- You're appearing au naturale?
- Well, not exactly,
but I did remove
my wedgies and
supp-hose (snorting).
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
You wanna talk about a turn-off.
Well listen, Ernestine,
we're awfully proud of you
and we hope your remuneration
is going to be impressive.
- Oh, you animal.
That's no way to
talk to a single girl.
(audience laughing)
- No, he means he hopes
you make a lot of money on it.
- Oh, well I expect my
end to be worth at least
a million dollars.
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
A million dollars
for your very first?
That's a lot of money.
You're gonna have to sell
a lot of records, Ernestine.
- I mean if Ma Bell doesn't
give me a million dollars,
I will release it (snorting).
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ernestine's new album,
This is A Recording is
filled with seething passions,
violence, pathos,
unmitigated sexual...
- Ernestine, Ernestine.
NBC will not allow you to
plug your album on the air.
- Oh, is that right?
- [Dan] No.
- Well, if they cut
my plug, I'll pull theirs
and I'll give it a yank
they won't forget.
(audience laughing)
- Ernestine.
- Anyway, we hope
your new venture
develops into
something tremendous.
- Oh?
- It sounds like you
got a real hot seller.
- Oh, you are animals,
both of you, depraved.
(audience laughing)
Your minds are (mumbles).
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
When news is Jackie and duty
I'm the mean and cutie to booty
I tell the band to
play me some boogie
Wanna hear some
real boogie woogie
Everything is well-o-rooney
eight to the bar now
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Seek the beat of
Goodman and Miller
Then you'll be
a real killer diller
A-Beat your feet
to Dorsey and Shaw
Well all reet And la, da, di, da
All you hep cats
laugh and boogie that
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no, no
Here's Dan and Dick, reet
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And, now
the Laugh-In News
with Kate Smith at large,
the Statue of Liberty at bay,
Nick the Greek at odds
and Georgie Jessel
at sixes and sevens.
- And, I'm Dan Rowan
with a big story on my hands.
- And, I'm Dick Martin
with a song in my heart.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline Washington.
Today the Army again denied
that it had been
spying on civilians.
When asked to explain
the testimony of four former
Army Intelligence agents,
who confessed to having
spied on civilians, a
high-ranking general said,
"Who you gonna believe,
us or a bunch of spies?"
(audience laughing)
- News of the future,
Santa Monica, 1990.
Scientists here today revealed
that they have finally found
a way to obtain
food from the sea.
These scientists are now
hard at work developing
a human being who can
live on a diet of beer cans,
oil slicks, rubber
tires, and mercury.
(audience laughing)
- 1975, Cranston, Rhode Island.
National Guardsmen upset
over the restrictive dress code
revolted against their
commanding officers
and seized the armory.
In an effort to quell
the disturbance,
quick-thinking officers
called in college students
from a nearby campus.
The students held back from
using their rocks and bottles
despite being
provoked by Guardsmen
who threw rifles at them.
(audience laughing)
Over hill, over dale
I will hit the dusty
trail - AM and FM.
(audience laughing)
- London, England.
Famed explorer, Sir
David Attenborough
returned today
from a year's safari
through the primitive
jungles of Africa
with a genuine shrunken head.
He immediately held
a press conference.
Unfortunately, his
remarks were inaudible
because his hat kept
fall down over his waist.
(audience laughing)
We'll be back in just a moment.
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
- And now, back to the news.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Now for the late scores
with the man who sees 'em
as he calls 'em, come in Big Al.
(dramatic music)
- Hi sports fans.
Big Al here.
(bell tinkling)
Oh, don't you love that?
Well, last night I attended
the annual frog jumping contest
here in Burbank and things
were really hopping, hopping.
There were 47 frogs
lined up for the big jump
and the winner was Legs
Needleman from Pasadena.
Legs showed great form
and as they said later
at the victory dinner, he
was absolutely delicious.
(audience laughing)
A little tough maybe,
but if you dig legs, great.
And, that's it for
now, sports fans.
This is Big Al signing off.
(frog croaking)
Oh.
- Hi, ha, ha, ha.
This is Busy Buzzi,
buzzing around Hollywood.
Unreliable sources have
reported that 28-year-old
song stylist Wayne Newton
is quitting show business
due to a strange twist of fate.
While hitting high C in the
middle of his opening number,
Mr. Newton fell
victim to a violent case
of latent maturation.
(audience laughing)
Eyewitnesses to
the tragedy reported
that before Mr. Newton
could get off the stage,
he had to be shaved four times.
(audience laughing)
Bye bye from Buzzi.
Kissy, kissy.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Golly, here's Dick Crenna
covering a fire in Burbank.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
- Now, here's a quick
flash from our girl on the go.
- I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
- The City of New
York has a policy
of putting welfare
families into hotels
for temporary lodgings.
Recently, one such
family was checked into
the posh Waldorf Astoria.
For an explanation
of this unusual action
we take you to a
spokesman for the agency
with our own Pauline Rhetoric.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Dan.
Pauline Rhetoric here.
This is really an
interesting story.
Sir, tell me, how much did
it cost you to put this family
in the Waldorf?
- $76 a day.
- Good heavens.
- Of course, that includes tips.
(audience laughing)
- Do you realize how
long a poor family
could live on 76 bucks?
- Yeah, at the
Waldorf, about a day.
(audience laughing)
- Well, let's get right to
the crux of this matter, sir.
Why did you check
this family on welfare
into the Waldorf Astoria Hotel?
- Well, we had to,
the Plaza was full.
(audience laughing)
- And now, back to
you Dan and Dick.
Da da di da
All you hep cats
laugh and boogie that
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Vote (audience applauding)
- This is really
the first time that...
- (laughing) Hard as a rock.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Mr. Crenna, when are
you going over to do Laugh-In?
- Well, I'm doing Laugh-In now.
- Yeah, but you're not
going over (laughing).
(audience laughing)
Woo, stretch your coffee break.
- Gladys.
- Yes, Fernando.
- Tell me, Gladys, would
you do a nude love scene?
- Oh well, only if there
was nobody on the set.
- Now believe me, if you
did the nude love scene,
there wouldn't be
anybody on the set.
(audience laughing)
(gasping)
(cartoonish twanging)
- Uh oh, by now, anybody
else would have learned
to be nice to the old bag.
(cartoonish twanging)
Smashy, washy.
(cartoonish twanging)
- Well, Debbie, now that you've
won the Miss U.S.A. contest,
what's your next goal?
- Doing the Mrs. U.S.A. contest.
- Uh huh, well
get out of Burbank,
'cause it's never
gonna happen here.
Trust me, couple of farmers...
- I'm in Burbank,
I'm in Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
(horn blowing)
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(cartoonish twanging)
(comical music)
(kazoo music)
- Uh oh dummy dumbo is
back for another crack at it.
Cracky wacky.
(slide whistle whistling)
Uh oh, this time he got
it while he was bent over.
Won't that dumbo ever learn?
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- [Woman] (giggling) I'm empty.
(giggling)
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(squeaking)
(kazoo music)
- Mr. Crenna, do you think
you could fix me up tonight?
- Gladys, lest my
orbs deceive me,
it'd take a lot longer
than one night.
(audience laughing)
(bird chirping)
Escaped the purse.
(gong ringing)
- All right, moving
right along gang.
- Well, ladies and
gentlemen and students, too.
Well here's a little cheer
we're gonna do for you.
Hands up, touch-ty,
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
Turn around touch-ty
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
Touch the ground touch-ty
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
That's enough touch-ty
touch, touch-ty touch.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Boy, you can't argue
with that, eh, huh?
(audience laughing)
That made a lot of sense.
- Well, you're
certainly full of vim and,
look at you.
What are you so peppy?
Boy, you're really all fired up.
- Well, thank you.
- All this work doesn't seem
to be telling on you, boy.
- Then who has
been telling on me?
(audience laughing)
- I only meant, you look well.
- Thank you.
I owe it all to this
amazing little pill.
- What's that?
- Well, it's Dr. Foonman's
Wonder Youth Pill.
- Youth Pill.
- I have not aged one day
since started taking them.
(audience chuckling)
- When did you start?
- Uh, today.
(audience laughing)
- What time did you take it?
- I haven't, this is it.
- Well, how can a
pill do you any good?
You haven't taken it yet.
- I told you it was amazing.
(audience laughing)
- (mumbles) carry it
around in your hand.
- Well, don't I have
youthful-looking hands?
- Oh for heaven sake.
Never is, it's time
for the quickies, folks.
- Whoops, I better take two.
(gunshots firing)
- You certainly get a
bang out of those pills,
don't you?
(slide whistle whistling)
(crashing)
(lively dance music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Walter Denton, I
cannot understand
how you could have failed
the sex education exam
three times in row.
- Gee, neither can I Mr. Lazar.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Father, I have terrible news.
- Oh, well what
is it, Stephanie?
- Oh, Father, it's
too horrible to tell.
- Oh.
(lively music)
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Oh, honey, it's for you.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(horse hooves clomping)
- Harold, if you ever
try a trick like that again,
we're through.
(audience laughing)
- I say, would you
like a spot of tea?
- Oh, how very sweet.
Yes, I would.
(slide whistle whistling)
- I'm not gonna
drink that water.
There's too much mercury in it.
- [Gary] Believe it or not,
these three dots can be
connected by one straight line.
(train chugging)
- I told you the
Czechoslovakian rabble rouser
is a threat to the
Communist Party.
I told you I wanted
him suspended.
Did you do it?
- Twice.
- You had him suspended twice?
- We had to, the first
time the rope broke.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Well, Dickie did
you like the quickies?
- Loved 'em.
I feel 10 years younger.
- You're beginning to
sound like Ponce de Leon.
- Ah, yes, Ponce de Leon.
Who could ever forget
that marvelous moment
when he found the Fountain
of Youth and he says,
"Somebody get
those kids outta there."
(audience laughing)
- Gladys.
- Mmm hmm.
- There is something
about you that
I just can't put into words.
- Oh, try.
- Well, you are ugly, you
are horrible, I must kill you.
(cartoonish twanging)
(smooching)
- No, Marcelo, try it once more.
- Oh my Gladys, your
lips remind me of roses.
- Oh, they do?
- Yes.
Roses got skinny lips, too.
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
- Now Marcelo, that's better.
- Well, it's time once
again to say good night.
- Why do we always
have to end our show
by saying good night?
- Well, what would
you rather say?
The whole cast lived
happily ever after?
- Well, that worked
in Aesop's Fables.
- Aesop's?
(audience laughing)
Aesop's.
You're thinking, you're...
(audience applauding)
You're only going to
encourage him to continue
these dumb mistakes.
You're thinking of
Grimm's Fairy Tales.
Aesop just wrote about animals,
like the grasshopper
and the ant.
- Funny you should mention that.
Did I ever tell
you about the time
my aunt drank 16 grasshoppers.
(audience laughing)
- Now, wait a minute.
Why do we always end
up talking about your aunt?
- Well, you asked, didn't you?
- I didn't ask.
I merely mentioned an old fable.
- That's my aunt.
(audience laughing)
- Can we forget about
it and say good night?
- Well, funny, that's
wheat they said
when they dragged
her out of the bar.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick, and
good night Aunt Louise.
Don't let the bugs bite.
(audience applauding)
(gun firing)
- It's over, thank heavens.
I thought they were going
to do that stupid joke wall.
- Hey Dick.
(yelling)
You know the Army has
had a sex education program
for years?
- [Dick] Oh?
- They call it a three-day pass.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey guys, I know a farmer
who feeds his chickens
birth control pills.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- Yeah, they still lay
eggs, but they're empty.
(audience laughing)
- Attention, attention,
TV network, a caution.
The loss of cigarette
smoking commercials
may be hazardous to
your wealth (giggling).
(audience laughing)
- Every day Raquel Welch's
husband buys Raquel
a new sweater and
pants and pants and pants.
(audience laughing)
- Isn't it time for
a little drinky-poo?
(yelling)
- I hope so, yes.
- I came from
such a poor family.
My diapers were
made out of burlap.
- [Dan] Oh.
- Talk about roughing it!
- How do you stop an
anti-war demonstrator?
- You hit him with an
American Legion post.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Richard.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Who do you think
will be most affected
by the 18-year-old
right to vote?
(stomping)
- 70-year-old
members of Congress.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, that was
really terrific.
- That's Dick, I'm Dan.
- Oh, Dick, that
was really terrific.
- [Dick] Caution, Barbara.
- Well, then I'll go and
have another little drinky-poo.
- Go away now.
- You know, the other day,
Jackie Onassis sent Ari out
to buy her a paper
and now she owns,
owns the New York Times.
(audience laughing)
- And, speaking of
the New York Times.
- Yes, Ann.
- Just guess what I found
in the classified section?
- What?
- A dead cockroach.
- Oh dear.
(audience laughing)
- Hey look, hey Daniel.
You know there's one good
thing about being a chauffeur.
You don't have to take
a backseat to anybody.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Did you ever, have you
ever seen one of those,
a day when nothing,
absolutely nothing goes right.
- It's not your turn Lily.
- And, that's what I mean.
(audience laughing)
- Hey guys.
You know I used to keep
everybody's phone number
in my head, but, then one day,
my housekeeper washed the walls.
(audience laughing)
(kazoo music)
(comical music)
(puttering)
(crashing)
(kazoo music)
- [Woman] Shaky
now, puttin' 'em.
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Why?
Why?
- [Woman] Why not?
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Here we are again, folks,
with the two cuckoo cavaliers.
(kazoo music)
(slapping)
Uh oh, it took a
little time, folks,
but he fell for it again.
That's all for
the two cavaliers.
- Bravo, bravo.
Ah, regular.
- Mr. Crenna, I would
like to commend you
for the very tasteful manner
in which you have
behaved this evening.
- Well, thank you.
After the show, why don't
we have some dinner?
- Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Crenna.
- You eat at your house,
and I'll eat at mine.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Serves me right
for having been civil
to an actor.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Ole.
(bleeping)
(clapping)
(chimes dinging)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Fernando?
- Yes.
- Did you ever make any
pictures with Esther Williams?
- Yes, I made two,
one like this (squeaking)
and one like this (squeaking).
(laughing)
- Oh that Henny Youngman.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, oh, Mr. Crenna,
oh I'm glad you're here.
But, beware, looking at
my body drives men mad.
- Well if I had to
look at it for too long,
I'd get pretty mad myself.
- Oh!
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
- (groaning) Water, water.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Towel, towel.
- Oh, ho, they're
starting very early tonight.
- You're all wet, Dick.
(screaming)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
(crying)
People do the craziest things
The spookiest,
kookiest, craziest things
Like working in an
office from nine till three
When they could be
swinging in the Pawpaw tree
People act the silliest way
The looniest,
gooniest, silliest way
Like dancing to a
record of rock 'n' roll
When they could be
a-jumpin' down a bunny hole
Or chewing on a postman,
talking to a butterfly
Picking up a big backyard
Instead of working on an ulcer
Sweating at the laundromat
Looking at a movie
starring George Peppard
People do the dummiest
things, the dopiest, mopiest,
Crummiest things
Like driving on the
freeways in rented cars
Or drinking dry
martinis in tacky bars
Or spending all that
money to go to Mars
Those dummy dingalings
People are the
crummiest, craziest things
- Hey, you think you people
have population problems,
I've got 25 relatives
living in my pouch.
(audience laughing)
- Meow, there's getting to
be so much mercury in fish,
on a warm day
I'm an inch taller.
(audience laughing)
- Say, listen, if that Hugh
Hefner comes around
once more and asks me
to pose for a centerfold,
I'll just plotz.
(audience laughing)
- I hear they're changing
the name of the TV show
Wild Kingdom to the Survivors.
- Oh, roar off.
- You know, there's one kind
of a person a kangaroo hates.
It's a pickpocket.
(audience laughing)
- My owner had me fixed.
How about that?
She's the one with eight kids.
(audience laughing)
People do the craziest things
The boringest,
snoringest, laziest things
Like going at each other
with guns and knives
Or taking out insurance
on worthless lives
Or doing hanky panky
with best friends' wives
Those crummy ringadings
People do the
crummiest, craziest things
Roar, cheep, woof,
hop, Whinny, hiss, moo.
(audience applauding)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the National
Berserk Company,
preempts its test pattern
and substitutes Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(lively music)
Starring the
firm-handed Dan Rowan
and the soft-headed Dick Martin.
And, special guest star,
middle-aged child actor
Richard Crenna.
(audience laughing)
And, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues.
And, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown, Anne Elder,
and the bouncing bunions
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with these words for men
with thinning,
receding hairlines.
Hi, baldy.
(audience laughing)
- You know what they say
about cigarette commercials?
They're gone for good
like a cigarette should.
- No, it's as a
cigarette should.
- As, like, what's
the difference,
as long as you're healthy.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Marcelo, I saw your
wonderful picture, 17.
- Now that was eight and a half.
- I know, but I liked it so much
I saw it twice, boom, boom.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(feet tapping)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- Water, water,
water.
- Yes?
- Water.
- Sorry, I thought
you said waiter.
(audience laughing)
- Here come two
cavaliers to face each other
on the field of honor.
(comical music)
(tapping)
(slapping)
(slide whistle whistling)
Uh oh, looks like dumbo's
getting the worst of it.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
(crunching)
- Oh Miss Debbie Sheldon,
you worked your way up
to being Miss
U.S.A., didn't you?
- Oh yes, before I won
the Miss U.S.A. Pageant,
I was Miss Virginia.
- Oh well, I won a
beauty contest once,
but then I didn't
get any further.
- What contest did you win?
- Oh, I was Miss 115 South
Elm Street, apartment B,
Wicketyquot, Connecticut.
I lived there alone.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, poor baby.
- Yeah, I know.
(audience laughing)
- A Laugh-In fable.
A grasshopper sang and
played all summer long.
The ant, however, worked
hard and stored food away.
Then winter came and
they both froze to death.
(audience laughing)
And, now here's
another Laugh-In fable,
Dick and Dan?
(audience applauding)
- Good evening.
There's only one of us here.
Thank you very much and good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We know you're going to enjoy...
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me.
Hi there.
- Well, almost afraid to ask.
What is this, this outfit?
You got a new hobby?
- No, no, as we archeologists
say, same old thing.
- Same old thing and
you in archeology?
- No, there's no
U in archeology.
(audience laughing)
Here, I'll show you.
(pole clattering)
- Somebody hold his hammer.
- Archeology, (laughing)
let's see archeology,
R, R, R.
- R for archeology?
- R for rocks.
- Oh, for rocks.
- Yeah, archeologists
always look under rocks.
- That's true.
Now, I suppose you know
all about the prehistoric times.
- Of course, the
world's first newspaper,
the Prehistoric Times.
- Oh... (audience laughing)
- All the news
that's fit to carve.
(audience laughing)
- I don't wanna listen to this.
If you're such an expert,
tell us how old is the Earth?
- Glad to.
It'll be 29 a week from Tuesday.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's absurd,
the Earth is millions of,
billions of years old.
- Well, it certainly
doesn't look it.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well it's kept
its looks, I didn't...
You really haven't learned
much about ancient history
even if you do have
your fount of facts.
- I happen to be one of the
world's leading authorities
on you know, they have
the big desert and the Sphinx.
- Egyptol, Egyptol,
Egypt, Egypt,
that's what you know about.
You must be acquainted
with Ramses and Amenhotep.
- Oh sure, the juggling act
we worked with in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Ramses and Amenhotep
died centuries ago in Egypt.
- Well, they didn't go over
too well in Cleveland either.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about
ancient rulers of Egypt,
old pharaohs like King Tut.
- Well, Tut was okay
but he had an uncle
they keep a close eye on.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
That doesn't fit, does it?
- No, not really.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- What else would you call him?
- I don't know.
Why is one missing?
Your knowledge of Egypt's
kings is certainly superficial.
- Well, thank you.
- That's all right.
- And, I even know
more about pyramids.
- Oh, you know about pyramids?
- For instance, did you
know that 80% of a pyramid
is under water?
(audience laughing)
- That's an iceberg.
- Ah ha, but in the desert
it's called a sandberg.
(audience laughing)
- A sandberg?
- The largest one is the
famous Carl Sandburg.
- Carl Sandburg.
(audience laughing)
- Right outside of Cairo.
- Just that, you know,
who built the pyramids?
- Uh, Howard Hughes?
- No, the pyramids were
built by thousands of slaves.
- Ah ha, right and
they did it on a Monday
in just seven hours.
(audience laughing)
- They didn't... How
could they do that?
- Ah, they didn't
break for lunch.
(audience laughing)
- No coffee (mumbles).
- Why is one missing?
- No.
I don't suppose you ran
across any rare animals
in this monumental
study of archeology?
- Matter of fact I did.
- Rare animals?
- I ran into the very extinct
orange gopher.
- What's an orange gopher?
- Oh about three for a quarter.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I gonna
go to the party.
- I'd love to.
Maybe I gotta dig
up a date for you.
(bullet ricocheting)
(lively dance music)
- You know, Walter Hickel
might have turned out
to be a great conservationist,
if he just learned
to save his own skin.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- You know I'm
on a new garlic diet
which requires you to put
garlic on everything you eat.
So far I've lost two
pounds and eight friends.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Ha, ha, ha,
ha, hi ya, tootsie.
You know, I bet that
you think you're gonna be
a big movie star, don't ya?
- Well, I really hadn't
thought about it.
- Well, don't.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- You know when
Bobby Baker went to jail,
he said he would, "Do his duty."
Hey, if he had done his duty,
he wouldn't have to go to jail.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- (squealing) In English courts,
lawyers are called solicitors.
Do you realize that
if I were in England,
I would be called a lawyer?
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Say Debbie, why don't
we go out for a few drinks
and then go to my place.
- Dick, don't you ever
get tired of fooling around?
- You're right,
let's skip the drinks
and go straight to my place.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Oh, we just started
making a movie about
the United States
government yesterday
and it's so authentic
that we're already
10 million over budget.
- Oh, oh, now they're in
trouble with the Pentagon.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Despite numerous
requests, the cocktail party
will resume after this
important message.
Ah, Mrs. Owens, I'll
be home about 9:30.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(laughing)
- Gee, no wonder some
misguided nitwits call us pigs.
I mean, in order to
bring home the bacon,
we have to take
a lot of garbage.
(squealing)
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- Hey, Boomer here.
Yesterday was quite a day.
First it was love-15,
then love-30, then love-40,
then I had to go
out and play tennis.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
- A spokesman for the
Gay Liberation Front
suggest that men's fashion
should be more conservative.
Skirts, but well below the knee.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(audience applauding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
- Marcelo, don't you
think it's silly for women
to get emotionally involved
the first time they see you
on the screen?
(giggling)
Mama mia, you're
some spicy meatball!
(audience laughing)
- Okay, lovers of the occult,
here's Laugh-In's
prediction lady.
- Time to sneak a
peek at the future.
(organ music)
(audience laughing)
I predict that in 1978,
just a minute, it's
coming to me, it's coming,
it's coming, I'm getting
it now, it's coming.
(audience laughing)
George Hamilton will stop
believing in the tooth fairy.
(audience laughing)
(organ music)
And, in 1979, the tooth
fairy will stop believing in
George Hamilton.
(audience laughing)
(organ music)
What did I say?
(organ music)
- Uh, uh, now they're
gonna get letters
from all the tooth fairies.
(audience laughing)
Here comes one now.
- If it's one thing I am from
business show have learned,
it's English.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
- (mumbles)
Rensahoff, I love it.
I love it, I love the office,
I love the Venetian blinds,
I love the floor and the desk.
I love the paperwork.
I love it all, Rensahoff
Tell me, who's the
commanding general here?
- You are, sir.
- By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
Get me Washington on the phone.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, immediately.
The flag, I love it all.
I love it.
- Here you are, sir.
- Hello, Washington?
Washington, yes, let me
speak to the President.
(grunting) I know he's busy.
You idiot, you
think I don't know
what's going on around there?
Let me speak to the President.
Hello, Lyndon?
Who?
(audience laughing)
Tricky who?
(audience laughing)
By gad, why wasn't
I informed of this?
Now, well all the
trouble is Rensahoff,
there's no fitness here.
The men have got to
be fit, Rensahoff, fit, fit,
like Captain Mangers,
oh Captain Mangers.
I've been sharing quarters
with Captain Mangers
for over a year.
Ah, I've never seen
better chest expansion.
- But sir, Captain
Mangers is a WAC.
- By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
(audience laughing)
Oh, it's not like it
used to be Rensahoff.
It's just not like
it used to be.
In the old days, no I
love this, forgive me,
but I love it, the office,
the war, the linoleum,
the desk, and the pen.
I love it all, the Venetian
blinds, the office,
I love it.
Oh read me my record
Rensahoff, read it to me.
- Yes sir.
- Read it to me.
Tell me about it.
- General Thomas Tang.
That was me, yes, that's me.
- 1st Battalion, gallantry
during the Battle of Oregon.
- I was there Rensahoff,
I was there.
- Bravery during
the Battle of Marne.
- I was there, yes, as far as
you could see, I was there.
(audience laughing)
- Killed in action, World War I.
- Killed?
By gad, why wasn't
I told about this?
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(exploding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(exploding)
(slide whistle whistling)
(popping)
(crashing)
(audience laughing)
(kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, I couldn't help,
I couldn't help but notice
that you are in
terribly good condition.
(audience laughing)
- Help, help, what?
- There's a certain
suppleness and lightness
about your person and body.
I was wondering how
did you maintain that
um, wonderful exterior?
I mean, is it, working
out or recreate,
or is it, you know, just all
those husbands chasing you?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, he's my closest friend.
Marcelo Mexicali.
(audience laughing)
- Here they come again.
Ready to do the honorable thing.
Honorable, schmonorable.
(kazoo music)
(slapping)
(pounding)
(slide whistle whistling)
Oh, fell for the old
rock in the glove bit.
(lively music)
(feet tapping)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
And, now I'd like to...
- Oh, Mr. Crenna, do
you know that I auditioned
for the part of Hot Lips
Houlihan in MASH?
- Oh really, Gladys?
I guess your lips
weren't hot enough.
- Oh, no, no, no.
The producer
didn't check my lips.
But, he touched my
nose and said it was cold.
And, then he gave me a
biscuit and sent me home.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that terrible?
- It sure is.
Look, on your way home,
would you deliver this newspaper?
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
Uh, oh, another dumbo
fell for the old rock
in the purse bit.
(audience laughing)
- (screaming) Fernando?
- Yes?
- (giggling) Do suave,
sophisticated Latin lovers
kiss on the first date?
- I don't know, I've
never been out with one.
(audience laughing)
- Well sir, tonight Laugh-In
looks at the mod world
of religion and the clergy.
- Good heavens.
- Exactly.
- Did you know, there
are more than 14 religions
being practiced in the
United States today?
- And, they're gonna
keep on practicing
till they get it right.
(audience laughing)
- Now, come on.
There's a problem the
church is now facing,
lack of attendance.
As a matter of fact,
President Nixon
frequently discusses that
very issue with Billy Graham.
- Billy Graham's
been skipping church?
(audience laughing)
- Oh now, come on,
Dick, it's a serious matter.
Times are changing.
Many new ideas are being
dealt with by the clergy.
Every Saturday and Sunday.
- And, Wednesday.
- Wednesday?
What religion meets
on Wednesday?
- Well, it's a new one,
started in California.
They worship rocks and eat nuts.
- Worship rocks and eat nuts?
- Or is it they worship nuts
and eat rocks, I don't know,
it's one of those,
I can't remember.
(audience laughing)
- And, they meet
only on Wednesday.
- Well, that's the only day
they can get the skating rink.
(audience laughing)
- They hold services
in a skating rink?
- Well, it's sort of
a holy roller derby.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, no.
I, I wonder, I wonder
why I'm going on with this.
I wonder why I never heard
of that particular denomination.
- Well, why not come to
church next Wednesday
and ask the all-knowing,
mysterious, supreme Foonman.
- Gee, I don't know, Dick.
- Just bring a humble
heart and your own skates.
- I see.
(audience laughing)
I guess like most
people I'm more familiar
with a priest or
rabbi or a minister.
- Oh, I know that
one (laughing).
(audience laughing)
So, the priest
said to the rabbi,
"Rabbi, now that we
can eat meat on Friday,
"when are you gonna
start eating pork?"
And, the rabbi said...
- "At your wedding, Father."
(audience laughing)
- You've heard it.
- Well, who hasn't heard it?
Always the priest or the
rabbi gets the punchline.
I bet there's not one
story where the minister
gets the joke.
- I know one.
- Yeah?
- So, the priest
says to this minister,
"Now that we can
eat meat on Friday,
"when are you gonna
start eating pork?"
(giggling)
- So, what did the minister say?
- "At the rabbi's wedding."
(audience laughing)
- But, the minister
didn't get the joke.
- I know, they never do.
(audience laughing)
- Moving right along, fans.
Let's go to the mod world
of religion and the clergy.
We don't care
what anyone tells ya
We got a new religion
And we are preachin' it today
It's not wild or weird or odd
It puts the go back into god
So, come on and everybody pray
And, we will beat on the drum
Crash the cymbal
Shakin' on the tambourine
Feel the spirit
flowing through ya
Hare Krishna Hallelujah
Every drunk and
falling down junkie
Adores this new religion
They think it's
really here to stay
Every singer who's prodigious
Tries to make his rock religious
Sacred music's making people pay
Come on, let's everybody pray
La, la, la, la, la We
will come rejoicing
Do, do, do, do, do, do Peace
(audience applauding)
- Why is it the churches
and temples raise money
to build multi-million
dollar houses of worship
where they ask for
money to help the poor?
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Oh Reverend, Reverend
Homily, good bye.
So, sorry to see you
leave our parish (laughing).
Never knew what sin
was till you came here.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Those church picnics.
(audience laughing)
Amen
- Gentlemen, as you know
each week the President
has had the services in
the White House chapel
conducted by a clergyman
of a different faith.
Unfortunately, all of you
were invited at the same time.
But, only the
rabbi is scheduled.
I'm terribly sorry about
the inconvenience.
- [Richard] She
says you can leave.
- So, I guess
it is quite a pity.
I've come all the
way from Boston.
I may not even get
a chance to speak.
- Well, it is a shame.
My goodness, I've worked
two weeks on my sermon.
It might never be used.
- Well, that's a shame,
I'd like to have heard it.
- You think you got
troubles, hoo hoo.
Sunday's my day off.
(audience laughing)
- My mother said
become an altar boy
and it'll make a man out of you.
And, look at the
schmot I'm wearing.
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(comical organ music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, isn't this just
a little bit of Heaven?
- Hi Annie, Barbara,
glad to see ya.
- Oh, Dick Martin.
How did you ever
make it to Heaven?
- Well, I guess
they didn't find out
about that little incident
in Kansas City in 1968.
(slide whistle whistling)
(audience laughing)
- [Arte] Gotcha.
(audience laughing)
(drumming music)
Amen
(sneezing)
- God bless you.
- [Gary] Stop
ordering me around.
(audience laughing)
- Behold, the commercial cometh.
- [Gary] Thank you.
(lively dance music)
- For years, the Pope has
been against legalized divorce.
And why shouldn't he?
He's not married.
(audience laughing)
- Bravo, bravo.
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- No wonder my
sermonette ratings are bad.
They've got me
in a lousy time slot.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Gee, I haven't been to
church in a month of Sundays.
(church bells ringing)
(audience laughing)
(church bells ringing)
(lively music)
- Do you believe?
- I believe.
- Do you truly believe?
- I truly believe.
(audience laughing)
- What do you truly believe?
- I truly believe you're
trying to drown me.
(audience laughing)
- One area in which women
have proven successful
in the clergy is
that of evangelist,
like Amy Semple MacPherson
and Katherine Kuhlman
whose flamboyant,
theatrical manner
distinguishes them in public.
We wonder, however,
if this style carries over
into their home lives.
- I'm home Katie.
- He's home.
He says he's home.
(audience laughing)
And, he's home.
You're home.
(audience laughing)
He's home my friends.
And, he's ready for dinner.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, actually I'm not.
- He's not.
You hear that, my friends,
he's not ready for dinner.
(audience laughing)
Sit down, sir, sit
down, sir, and tell us.
Tell us the story as
it happened to you.
- What story?
I just, I've had a late
lunch, just a cheeseburger.
- A cheeseburger.
(audience laughing)
Oh did you hear that word,
my friends, cheeseburger?
Tell us about the cheeseburger.
- Well, there's nothing
much to tell, really.
With a little slice of on...
It was just a simple cheese...
I grabbed it at about 2:30.
- He grabbed a
cheeseburger at 2:30.
Oh, my friends, do you
see this man's dilemma?
(audience laughing)
At 2:30 he grabbed a
cheeseburger and now,
now, he's not hungry.
He doesn't want
dinner.
(audience laughing)
- That's about right.
- Oh, but don't you see?
Food is the
substance of the body.
(audience laughing)
You must eat to live
and fulfill this destiny.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all
right, I'll eat, I'll eat.
Bring the dinner.
- Oh, oh I'm sorry.
I didn't have time
to make dinner.
You see, at 2:30 I
grabbed a cheeseburger.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Cheeseburger (drumming)
- In God we trust.
- [Gary] Void where
prohibited by law.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Sister, we better
get back to the convent.
You drive and I'll pray.
- What's the matter,
don't you trust my praying?
(audience laughing)
- There's a generation
gap all around us,
even among
members of the clergy.
(church bell ringing)
- $13.63.
Father O'Malley if you
don't mind my saying so,
that's the worst, the
worst Sunday collection
we've ever had.
- Ooo, is it now?
And, which mass was that?
- For all four of them.
- Terrible, terrible, terrible.
- We gotta do something
to boost attendance,
no question about it.
- We have an idea that may help.
- Look, for instance,
we've been thinking about
those gasoline
contests, brilliant idea.
You tell him.
- Yeah, why don't we give
baseball cards with
pictures of the saints?
And, everybody
that gets a full set
wins the contest.
- Yes, and suppose
as first prize,
you'll be handing
out a sainthood now.
- Oh no, we were just
thinking about a trip to Hawaii.
- Hold on.
I kinda like Father
O'Malley's idea better.
- Mine wasn't bad though.
- What next?
To, to, to, to, next
you'll wanna be showing
videotaped highlights
of last Sunday's sermon.
- That's great, now
you're gettin' it on.
Phone-in confessions.
- Yeah, at the beep you have
25 seconds to recite your sins.
Oh, I love it.
- I won't hear another word.
This is a church,
not a supermarket.
Now, be off with
the both of you.
I'm very busy.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
- Well, I have a meeting
with the Mother Superior.
We have to plan next
week's raffle and bingo party.
- It's not a bad beginning.
(audience laughing)
- Oh yeah, we'd just do
better with a roulette wheel
and a crap table.
- Uh huh, uh huh.
- Oy vey!
(audience laughing)
Friends it's simple
Shakin' on the tambourine
Spread the word with dramaturgy
Groovy hymns and swinging clergy
We don't care
what anyone tells ya
You'll love our new religion
Disciples dressed in hip array
Do your best whenever possible
Dig our spaced out heavy gospel
We've tried converting
Doris Day No go
So come on let's everybody pray
La, la, la, la We
will come rejoicing
Do, do, do, do, do, do Love
(audience applauding)
- Dick.
(shouting)
Dick.
- Well, I'm sorry, I dozed off.
Wasn't that a dull
sermon, though?
- What sermon?
We've just done the
mod world of religion.
- Ha, which reminds
me of the joke
where the minister
gets the punchline.
- I don't think I wanna hear it.
- Well, the rabbi
says to the priest,
"When are you gonna start
eating the corned beef?"
And, the priest says, "At
the minister's wedding."
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Wait a minute, hold it.
Now, suddenly the
priest becomes a rabbi,
the pork is turned
into corned beef,
and the minister
disappeared altogether.
- Saints preserve
us, another miracle.
(comical music)
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- The President
and Richard Nixon
are one in the same person.
Think about it, have you
ever seen him together?
(audience laughing)
- When you care enough
to send the very best,
send it twice.
(audience laughing)
- You can always tell
when you're in a Burbank
ice cream parlor.
The super special flavor of
the week is always vanilla.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know what
this mean in Burbank?
Nothing, I just...
(audience laughing)
- The same thing that
means in Argentina.
(audience laughing)
- What is it like to
make love to all those,
those many, those different...
I mean, isn't it exhausting?
- Yes, really.
(audience laughing)
Very exhausting.
Can you imagine what
mean to make love scene
in the bed with an actress?
- No.
- There is first this problem.
You see this.
(gasp)
You never have to show this.
- It hangs over?
- You have to kiss
her so you have a,
I don't know, but
never show your eyes
to the audience, always her.
- Why?
- Well, because,
I don't know why.
Because she's the
wife of the producer.
(audience laughing)
Then in the end there you always
you feel pain here in your back.
Not because you made love.
- Right.
- Because the
position are already
so strange.
- It's not real.
- Oh yeah.
- Unnatural?
- Well, we can't
talk about that.
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Gosh-a-rooney, Richard Crenna.
I remember way back
to when you, you played
Walter Denton on
Our Miss Brooks.
- Well, thank you.
- Can you still do that voice?
- Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton
has his hand caught in a locker.
- (laughing) That's great.
- It is not, he's turning blue.
(audience laughing)
- Time once again for
another visit with the folks
who live in that big
white house on the hill.
- Daddy bird, Mommy bird.
- That was the
last administration.
- Whatever.
This is the boy that
I'm going to marry.
- Hmm, are you
in school, my boy?
- No sir.
- Do you work?
- No sir.
- Are you in the Army?
- No ma'am.
- Well then, how would
you like a cabinet post?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, why I'd
love it, thank you.
- Well, okay, you've got it,
but you can't marry my daughter.
- Why not?
- Well, I don't want
her married to a man
with such an uncertain future.
(audience laughing)
- Here they come again to
do battle on the field of honor.
(kazoo music)
(thudding)
(thudding)
This time, dummy dumbo fell for
the old hammer
on the head trick.
Weeks, weeks.
(slide whistle whistling)
(cart puttering)
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
(cart puttering)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(cartoonish twanging)
- I'd do anything
to get in the movies.
- You'll probably have to.
- If I had two, I'd be a star.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Ernestine, come
out... (clapping)
Folks, you all know Ernestine.
(audience applauding)
Ernestine, Ernestine.
We understand you have a record.
- A record?
- Yeah.
- Ma Bell would never hire
anyone who's been in trouble
with the law.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, we understand
you've made a record album.
- Oh yes, I have
made a record album.
It's of some of my
more memorable calls
with customers and friends.
- Good.
- Oh, when are you
coming out with it?
- Oh, this blouse
always gives me trouble.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no.
- But, if you've got it,
flaunt it, I always say.
- True, yes.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Not the blouse, Ernestine,
we're talking about your album.
When are you gonna,
when's the album coming out?
- Oh, we're going to
release the album very soon.
- Good.
- What's your cover like?
- Oh, usually a flannel
blanket but I do have a...
(audience laughing)
- Now, Buzzi has said, what
is on the cover of your album?
- Oh, the cover of my album.
- Yes.
- Well, you know nowadays
photographs of gorgeous women
scantily clad are very popular.
- Ah.
- You're appearing au naturale?
- Well, not exactly,
but I did remove
my wedgies and
supp-hose (snorting).
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
You wanna talk about a turn-off.
Well listen, Ernestine,
we're awfully proud of you
and we hope your remuneration
is going to be impressive.
- Oh, you animal.
That's no way to
talk to a single girl.
(audience laughing)
- No, he means he hopes
you make a lot of money on it.
- Oh, well I expect my
end to be worth at least
a million dollars.
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
A million dollars
for your very first?
That's a lot of money.
You're gonna have to sell
a lot of records, Ernestine.
- I mean if Ma Bell doesn't
give me a million dollars,
I will release it (snorting).
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ernestine's new album,
This is A Recording is
filled with seething passions,
violence, pathos,
unmitigated sexual...
- Ernestine, Ernestine.
NBC will not allow you to
plug your album on the air.
- Oh, is that right?
- [Dan] No.
- Well, if they cut
my plug, I'll pull theirs
and I'll give it a yank
they won't forget.
(audience laughing)
- Ernestine.
- Anyway, we hope
your new venture
develops into
something tremendous.
- Oh?
- It sounds like you
got a real hot seller.
- Oh, you are animals,
both of you, depraved.
(audience laughing)
Your minds are (mumbles).
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
When news is Jackie and duty
I'm the mean and cutie to booty
I tell the band to
play me some boogie
Wanna hear some
real boogie woogie
Everything is well-o-rooney
eight to the bar now
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Seek the beat of
Goodman and Miller
Then you'll be
a real killer diller
A-Beat your feet
to Dorsey and Shaw
Well all reet And la, da, di, da
All you hep cats
laugh and boogie that
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no, no
Here's Dan and Dick, reet
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And, now
the Laugh-In News
with Kate Smith at large,
the Statue of Liberty at bay,
Nick the Greek at odds
and Georgie Jessel
at sixes and sevens.
- And, I'm Dan Rowan
with a big story on my hands.
- And, I'm Dick Martin
with a song in my heart.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline Washington.
Today the Army again denied
that it had been
spying on civilians.
When asked to explain
the testimony of four former
Army Intelligence agents,
who confessed to having
spied on civilians, a
high-ranking general said,
"Who you gonna believe,
us or a bunch of spies?"
(audience laughing)
- News of the future,
Santa Monica, 1990.
Scientists here today revealed
that they have finally found
a way to obtain
food from the sea.
These scientists are now
hard at work developing
a human being who can
live on a diet of beer cans,
oil slicks, rubber
tires, and mercury.
(audience laughing)
- 1975, Cranston, Rhode Island.
National Guardsmen upset
over the restrictive dress code
revolted against their
commanding officers
and seized the armory.
In an effort to quell
the disturbance,
quick-thinking officers
called in college students
from a nearby campus.
The students held back from
using their rocks and bottles
despite being
provoked by Guardsmen
who threw rifles at them.
(audience laughing)
Over hill, over dale
I will hit the dusty
trail - AM and FM.
(audience laughing)
- London, England.
Famed explorer, Sir
David Attenborough
returned today
from a year's safari
through the primitive
jungles of Africa
with a genuine shrunken head.
He immediately held
a press conference.
Unfortunately, his
remarks were inaudible
because his hat kept
fall down over his waist.
(audience laughing)
We'll be back in just a moment.
(cartoonish twanging)
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
- And now, back to the news.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Now for the late scores
with the man who sees 'em
as he calls 'em, come in Big Al.
(dramatic music)
- Hi sports fans.
Big Al here.
(bell tinkling)
Oh, don't you love that?
Well, last night I attended
the annual frog jumping contest
here in Burbank and things
were really hopping, hopping.
There were 47 frogs
lined up for the big jump
and the winner was Legs
Needleman from Pasadena.
Legs showed great form
and as they said later
at the victory dinner, he
was absolutely delicious.
(audience laughing)
A little tough maybe,
but if you dig legs, great.
And, that's it for
now, sports fans.
This is Big Al signing off.
(frog croaking)
Oh.
- Hi, ha, ha, ha.
This is Busy Buzzi,
buzzing around Hollywood.
Unreliable sources have
reported that 28-year-old
song stylist Wayne Newton
is quitting show business
due to a strange twist of fate.
While hitting high C in the
middle of his opening number,
Mr. Newton fell
victim to a violent case
of latent maturation.
(audience laughing)
Eyewitnesses to
the tragedy reported
that before Mr. Newton
could get off the stage,
he had to be shaved four times.
(audience laughing)
Bye bye from Buzzi.
Kissy, kissy.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Golly, here's Dick Crenna
covering a fire in Burbank.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(audience laughing)
- Now, here's a quick
flash from our girl on the go.
- I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
- The City of New
York has a policy
of putting welfare
families into hotels
for temporary lodgings.
Recently, one such
family was checked into
the posh Waldorf Astoria.
For an explanation
of this unusual action
we take you to a
spokesman for the agency
with our own Pauline Rhetoric.
(audience laughing)
- Thank you, Dan.
Pauline Rhetoric here.
This is really an
interesting story.
Sir, tell me, how much did
it cost you to put this family
in the Waldorf?
- $76 a day.
- Good heavens.
- Of course, that includes tips.
(audience laughing)
- Do you realize how
long a poor family
could live on 76 bucks?
- Yeah, at the
Waldorf, about a day.
(audience laughing)
- Well, let's get right to
the crux of this matter, sir.
Why did you check
this family on welfare
into the Waldorf Astoria Hotel?
- Well, we had to,
the Plaza was full.
(audience laughing)
- And now, back to
you Dan and Dick.
Da da di da
All you hep cats
laugh and boogie that
Do di yada, do di
yada, no, no, no, no
Vote (audience applauding)
- This is really
the first time that...
- (laughing) Hard as a rock.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Mr. Crenna, when are
you going over to do Laugh-In?
- Well, I'm doing Laugh-In now.
- Yeah, but you're not
going over (laughing).
(audience laughing)
Woo, stretch your coffee break.
- Gladys.
- Yes, Fernando.
- Tell me, Gladys, would
you do a nude love scene?
- Oh well, only if there
was nobody on the set.
- Now believe me, if you
did the nude love scene,
there wouldn't be
anybody on the set.
(audience laughing)
(gasping)
(cartoonish twanging)
- Uh oh, by now, anybody
else would have learned
to be nice to the old bag.
(cartoonish twanging)
Smashy, washy.
(cartoonish twanging)
- Well, Debbie, now that you've
won the Miss U.S.A. contest,
what's your next goal?
- Doing the Mrs. U.S.A. contest.
- Uh huh, well
get out of Burbank,
'cause it's never
gonna happen here.
Trust me, couple of farmers...
- I'm in Burbank,
I'm in Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(cymbals crashing)
(horn blowing)
(audience laughing)
(lively dance music)
(cartoonish twanging)
(comical music)
(kazoo music)
- Uh oh dummy dumbo is
back for another crack at it.
Cracky wacky.
(slide whistle whistling)
Uh oh, this time he got
it while he was bent over.
Won't that dumbo ever learn?
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- [Woman] (giggling) I'm empty.
(giggling)
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(squeaking)
(kazoo music)
- Mr. Crenna, do you think
you could fix me up tonight?
- Gladys, lest my
orbs deceive me,
it'd take a lot longer
than one night.
(audience laughing)
(bird chirping)
Escaped the purse.
(gong ringing)
- All right, moving
right along gang.
- Well, ladies and
gentlemen and students, too.
Well here's a little cheer
we're gonna do for you.
Hands up, touch-ty,
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
Turn around touch-ty
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
Touch the ground touch-ty
touch, a-touch-ty touch.
That's enough touch-ty
touch, touch-ty touch.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Boy, you can't argue
with that, eh, huh?
(audience laughing)
That made a lot of sense.
- Well, you're
certainly full of vim and,
look at you.
What are you so peppy?
Boy, you're really all fired up.
- Well, thank you.
- All this work doesn't seem
to be telling on you, boy.
- Then who has
been telling on me?
(audience laughing)
- I only meant, you look well.
- Thank you.
I owe it all to this
amazing little pill.
- What's that?
- Well, it's Dr. Foonman's
Wonder Youth Pill.
- Youth Pill.
- I have not aged one day
since started taking them.
(audience chuckling)
- When did you start?
- Uh, today.
(audience laughing)
- What time did you take it?
- I haven't, this is it.
- Well, how can a
pill do you any good?
You haven't taken it yet.
- I told you it was amazing.
(audience laughing)
- (mumbles) carry it
around in your hand.
- Well, don't I have
youthful-looking hands?
- Oh for heaven sake.
Never is, it's time
for the quickies, folks.
- Whoops, I better take two.
(gunshots firing)
- You certainly get a
bang out of those pills,
don't you?
(slide whistle whistling)
(crashing)
(lively dance music)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Walter Denton, I
cannot understand
how you could have failed
the sex education exam
three times in row.
- Gee, neither can I Mr. Lazar.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Father, I have terrible news.
- Oh, well what
is it, Stephanie?
- Oh, Father, it's
too horrible to tell.
- Oh.
(lively music)
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- Oh, honey, it's for you.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(slide whistle whistling)
(horse hooves clomping)
- Harold, if you ever
try a trick like that again,
we're through.
(audience laughing)
- I say, would you
like a spot of tea?
- Oh, how very sweet.
Yes, I would.
(slide whistle whistling)
- I'm not gonna
drink that water.
There's too much mercury in it.
- [Gary] Believe it or not,
these three dots can be
connected by one straight line.
(train chugging)
- I told you the
Czechoslovakian rabble rouser
is a threat to the
Communist Party.
I told you I wanted
him suspended.
Did you do it?
- Twice.
- You had him suspended twice?
- We had to, the first
time the rope broke.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle whistling)
- Well, Dickie did
you like the quickies?
- Loved 'em.
I feel 10 years younger.
- You're beginning to
sound like Ponce de Leon.
- Ah, yes, Ponce de Leon.
Who could ever forget
that marvelous moment
when he found the Fountain
of Youth and he says,
"Somebody get
those kids outta there."
(audience laughing)
- Gladys.
- Mmm hmm.
- There is something
about you that
I just can't put into words.
- Oh, try.
- Well, you are ugly, you
are horrible, I must kill you.
(cartoonish twanging)
(smooching)
- No, Marcelo, try it once more.
- Oh my Gladys, your
lips remind me of roses.
- Oh, they do?
- Yes.
Roses got skinny lips, too.
(audience laughing)
(cartoonish twanging)
- Now Marcelo, that's better.
- Well, it's time once
again to say good night.
- Why do we always
have to end our show
by saying good night?
- Well, what would
you rather say?
The whole cast lived
happily ever after?
- Well, that worked
in Aesop's Fables.
- Aesop's?
(audience laughing)
Aesop's.
You're thinking, you're...
(audience applauding)
You're only going to
encourage him to continue
these dumb mistakes.
You're thinking of
Grimm's Fairy Tales.
Aesop just wrote about animals,
like the grasshopper
and the ant.
- Funny you should mention that.
Did I ever tell
you about the time
my aunt drank 16 grasshoppers.
(audience laughing)
- Now, wait a minute.
Why do we always end
up talking about your aunt?
- Well, you asked, didn't you?
- I didn't ask.
I merely mentioned an old fable.
- That's my aunt.
(audience laughing)
- Can we forget about
it and say good night?
- Well, funny, that's
wheat they said
when they dragged
her out of the bar.
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick, and
good night Aunt Louise.
Don't let the bugs bite.
(audience applauding)
(gun firing)
- It's over, thank heavens.
I thought they were going
to do that stupid joke wall.
- Hey Dick.
(yelling)
You know the Army has
had a sex education program
for years?
- [Dick] Oh?
- They call it a three-day pass.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey guys, I know a farmer
who feeds his chickens
birth control pills.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- Yeah, they still lay
eggs, but they're empty.
(audience laughing)
- Attention, attention,
TV network, a caution.
The loss of cigarette
smoking commercials
may be hazardous to
your wealth (giggling).
(audience laughing)
- Every day Raquel Welch's
husband buys Raquel
a new sweater and
pants and pants and pants.
(audience laughing)
- Isn't it time for
a little drinky-poo?
(yelling)
- I hope so, yes.
- I came from
such a poor family.
My diapers were
made out of burlap.
- [Dan] Oh.
- Talk about roughing it!
- How do you stop an
anti-war demonstrator?
- You hit him with an
American Legion post.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Richard.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Who do you think
will be most affected
by the 18-year-old
right to vote?
(stomping)
- 70-year-old
members of Congress.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, that was
really terrific.
- That's Dick, I'm Dan.
- Oh, Dick, that
was really terrific.
- [Dick] Caution, Barbara.
- Well, then I'll go and
have another little drinky-poo.
- Go away now.
- You know, the other day,
Jackie Onassis sent Ari out
to buy her a paper
and now she owns,
owns the New York Times.
(audience laughing)
- And, speaking of
the New York Times.
- Yes, Ann.
- Just guess what I found
in the classified section?
- What?
- A dead cockroach.
- Oh dear.
(audience laughing)
- Hey look, hey Daniel.
You know there's one good
thing about being a chauffeur.
You don't have to take
a backseat to anybody.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Did you ever, have you
ever seen one of those,
a day when nothing,
absolutely nothing goes right.
- It's not your turn Lily.
- And, that's what I mean.
(audience laughing)
- Hey guys.
You know I used to keep
everybody's phone number
in my head, but, then one day,
my housekeeper washed the walls.
(audience laughing)
(kazoo music)
(comical music)
(puttering)
(crashing)
(kazoo music)
- [Woman] Shaky
now, puttin' 'em.
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Why?
Why?
- [Woman] Why not?
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
- Here we are again, folks,
with the two cuckoo cavaliers.
(kazoo music)
(slapping)
Uh oh, it took a
little time, folks,
but he fell for it again.
That's all for
the two cavaliers.
- Bravo, bravo.
Ah, regular.
- Mr. Crenna, I would
like to commend you
for the very tasteful manner
in which you have
behaved this evening.
- Well, thank you.
After the show, why don't
we have some dinner?
- Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Crenna.
- You eat at your house,
and I'll eat at mine.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Serves me right
for having been civil
to an actor.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Ole.
(bleeping)
(clapping)
(chimes dinging)