Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 23 - Episode #4.23 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- My mama said
if I was a good girl,
I could stay up
and watch Laugh-In.
And if I was a very good
girl, I could watch Lucy.
Well I'd rather be
a little bit naughty
and I could sit up
and watch Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
And that's the truth.
- If movies get anymore daring,
they'll be opening
with the MGM lions
standing in a
box of kitty litter.
(audience laughing)
- All right panel, you
have seen and questioned
our three contestants and now,
will the real Howard
Hughes please stand up.
(drum roll) (whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whistling)
(audience laughing)
Good heavens, they
were Howard Hughes.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Mr. Raft, they told
me I could find you here.
- Yeah, well, the
bank job is off, Rocky,
so you can take that stocking
cap off your head now.
- Oooohhhh.
(audience laughing)
(rapid swishing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(high-pitched tone)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched tone)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Novice
Broadcasting Company,
puts two over on the public,
and presents, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the
fox-trotting Dan Rowan,
and the bunny-hopping
Dick Martin.
With the fantastic
fandangos of petite and pretty,
Peter Lawford and Arte Johnson.
And, Ruth Buzzi,
with Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and bouncing Barbara Sharma,
and me, I'm Gary Owens,
with a suggestion for those
of you thirsty for knowledge.
Drink an encyclopedia.
(audience laughing)
- Harriet, Harriet,
come here, quick.
- What is it, Armand?
- This new cleanser shakes
out white and turns blue.
- Armand, you're a
sick, boring person,
and I want a divorce.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better idea cars
for 1971, including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
- What have you got in your
pornography department?
- Well we got seven
members of the vice squad,
the entire lady's
anti-smut league,
and a few autographed
pictures of Jacqueline Susann.
(audience laughing)
(straw sucking)
(beeping)
(straw sucking)
(beeping)
(high-pitched tone)
(audience laughing)
(straw sucking)
Ahh-ah-ah-ah.
(Cinderella crying)
- Don't cry Cinderella,
I'm your fairy godmother.
And anything you
wish shall be granted.
- Anything, oh I'm
so happy (crying).
Give me a handkerchief (crying).
- It hardly seems
worth the trip.
(Cinderella crying)
(audience laughing)
And here I'm up to
my wand in fairy dust.
Ahhhh.
(Cinderella crying)
- Remember girls, happiness
is havin' a good husband,
and a good provider,
and true happiness
is when they're
all the same guy.
(audience laughing)
- Children.
- [Group] Yeah.
- If you wanna go to heaven
you must restrain yourself
from earthly pleasures.
After you get to heaven,
then you fool around.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Roger, who sings
that song England Swings
Like a Pendulum Do?
- I does.
(both humming)
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
someday in the future
when everything
is said and done,
I'll be able to
look back and say
I made 25 great gangster
movies, 12 sensational musicals,
eight fantastic westerns,
and one incredible mistake,
and here it is.
Introducing Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
I haven't any idea (drumming)
(Dick chanting)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- How.
- (Laughing) I haven't any idea.
What are you doin'?
What is that?
(Dan imitating chanting)
- Well that is
either a rain dance,
or the Apache fertility right.
(audience laughing)
- Well it's not raining.
(audience laughing)
- Well I may be in a
lot a trouble then, huh?
(audience laughing)
- I suppose you're gonna
tell me you're an Indian.
- Amazing, man you're quick.
You don't miss a thing.
Cannot fool you, boy.
- Saw it right away, now tell,
why are you
dressed as an Indian?
- Well it happens to be to
preserve my Indian heritage.
- Your Indian heritage.
- Yes, I am direct
descendant from
Chief Buffalo Fuhnman.
- Buffalo Fuhnman.
- Buffalo Fuhnman,
the Indian prophet.
- What's an Indian prophet?
- Oh in a good month
about four beavers...
- [Dan] Awwww.
- I gotcha there, didn't I?
- Hey, other than old jokes,
what was this Buffalo
Fuhnman known for?
Is he famous for something else?
- Well yes, he was years
and years ahead of his time.
- Ahead of his time.
- You remember that painting
of the Indian with the head
on the horse, with his
head hanging down,
and staff like that?
- Oh yeah, very famous painting.
- Very famous, that
was Buffalo Fuhnman.
- That was Buffalo?
- Yes, the day he foresaw
the coming of the white man.
- He foresaw,
how did he do that?
- Well, they were right
at the bottom of the hill
and he said, "Hey you guys,
here come the white men."
(audience laughing)
- He foresaw, really
ahead of his time.
- Yeah, about three
minutes, actually.
- That's remarkable, remarkable.
- Then he joined the SIA,
the Secret Indian Agency.
- Secret Indian, he was a spy.
- Yes.
And once, when the
cavalry was after him...
- Oh boy.
- He disguised himself
cleverly as a buffalo...
- That's how he got his
name Buffalo Fuhnman.
- That's one of the ways.
- Oh, I won't ask
about the other one.
- No, you better not.
- Okay, so they're
after him and he
disguised himself as a buffalo.
- And he mingled with the herd.
- Ah, did he get caught?
- Certainly, it was
a herd of goats.
(audience laughing)
- That is stupid, no goat...
- Oh he was doin' fine
though, he was doin' fine
til he lost his temper.
- He lost his temper?
- Yes, he did get, some
soldier said, "Say that tall one
"in the middle's the
ugliest goat I've ever seen."
(audience laughing)
He stood up, and he went
after him with his hatchet.
- I see, I can't blame
him for getting mad at that.
- Yeah, then came
that fateful day, fateful.
- That fateful day.
- F-A-E-T-I way, fateful.
- We understood, don't
lose your rhythm there now.
- The fateful day...
- What happened?
- Buffalo saved an entire
Indian village from starving.
- He saved a
whole, or gloriosity.
- He wove a huge trapping net,
and the Indians took
it to the forest and
caught a strange animal.
- What did the Indians net?
(Dick snorting)
(audience laughing)
- What did the Indians net?
- About a buck and
a half (mumbles),
I don't wanna hear them.
- White man steal
Indian punch line.
(audience laughing)
- I have your back, let's
just steal off to the party,
what'da you say?
- Good idea, I'll get my
peace pipe and go with ya.
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I've just been reading
about some strange,
frightening creatures, like
the Loch Ness Monster,
the abominable snowman,
and the killers of Lake Erie.
- What are the
killers of Lake Erie?
- Mostly Pittsburgh
and Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- The Labor Department
just came up with a list
of our most insecure jobs.
The worst ones were
town criers, blacksmiths,
and members of the
president's cabinet.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- My boss is really a nosy guy.
He insists on reading
his mail before I do.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I heard about a picture that
cost the producer $2 million.
It was taken by a house
detective through a motel window.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Mr. Policeman you're
in law enforcement.
- Yes, mam.
- Tell me, why is it that every
time when we have a new
administration, the only
one who doesn't get fired
is J. Edgar Hoover.
- Well, maybe he knows too much.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Lately there's been
great freedom in the arts.
There was nudity in
books, in the movies,
and in the theater.
About the only way a
man could avoid sex,
was to get married.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Hey Boomer here, I just heard
that Mama Cass is gonna be a
Playboy Playmate of the Month.
And it's the first time
the magazine will have a
centerfold that folds
out, and out, and out,
over, through, around.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(laughing)
- You know what?
(laughing) Hard as a rock.
(audience laughing)
You know you remind me
of that famous western star.
You know the one I mean,
works all the time with Roy Rogers.
- Dale Evans.
- No, Trigger (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- On some colleges, the
campus police have a slogan
about students, if you
can't join 'em, beat 'em.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Mm, how'd you like
to go up to my place and
turn the lights
down real low and
listen to my favorite record?
- Mm, what's the record?
- Oh, 'bout 3 1/2 days.
- Hm, you must have some album.
- Thank you!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know California has a
black superintendent of schools.
The question now is, will
he have to be bused to work?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- President Nixon's doctors
have just advised him to
get more rest away from
the problems of government.
Now if we could just get them
to prescribe the same thing
for the rest of the country.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know, as much as the
administration is in the news,
there's one person who
seems to be out of it, Mrs. Nixon.
Yes, there is a Mrs. Nixon,
and she's our most exciting
first lady since Bess Truman.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(audience applauding)
(high-pitched tones)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- And now for all of you
lovers of the unusual,
here are the breath-taking
antics of the daring
Tyrone of Horni, and the
tempting Miss Gladys Hornsby.
(siren whirring)
(slow oriental music)
(singing quietly)
- Dah-dah.
(Gladys startling)
(Tyrone laughing)
Good to be back at the
same old stand (laughing).
Miss Hornsby, the soaring
temperature of the day
prompts me to inquire
if you would care to
accompany me for a swim
at a nearby natatorium.
- You mean a swimming pool?
- Noooo, you fool you.
Let's be off to the plunge,
there I can enjoy the
gratification I receive
while watching your aquatic
calisthenics, hm (chuckling).
- What does that mean?
- Oh well, um (clearing throat)
that means I want to watch
you hop on the diving board
so I may sneak a
peek at your half gainer.
- (gasping) Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps you might
dive into the deep end
and do your natural
stroke, the dog paddle.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps it'll cheer you up
to see me do my
dead man's float.
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched tones)
- Hey Frank, don't wait dinner.
Me and Gladys are
going to dine at the joint.
(entertaining musical rift)
- Ah, paperboy.
(high-pitched tone)
- Oh, you got two pair
a pants with that suit.
(audience laughing)
- How disgusting.
Absolutely deplorable.
This magazine is pure smut.
- Yeah.
- Do you accept Diner's cards?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I'm Suzy Sorority
from the silent majority.
Rah.
Daddy is a true American,
he believes in God,
county, and Yale.
But not necessarily
in that order.
(audience laughing)
Rah.
(audience laughing)
- George Raft, you're one
of the all-time great heavies.
- Um, look who's talkin'.
(audience laughing)
- Remember the
truth never hurts,
unless you tell it
about a big guy.
(audience laughing)
- Gee Roger, did you
write a song called
You Can't Roller
Skate in a Buffalo Herd?
- Yes, I did.
- What's a buffalo herd?
- Well lately, a lot of
discouraging words.
(audience laughing)
- The Amana people
have just developed a huge
radar range microwave
oven that will roast
a hundred pounds of
beef in four seconds.
Never to be outdone,
RCA-Whirpool is at this very moment
hard at work on a giant mouth,
that will eat a hundred
pounds of beef in three seconds.
(audience laughing)
And now here's a report
from that very mouth.
(mouth chomping)
- Is that a chicken
joke, ha-ha-ha-ha.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Well tonight our
mod world's gonna
take a look at psychiatry.
- Oh you crazy son of a gun you.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh hold it.
- Huh?
- You can't say that anymore.
- Can't say son of a gun?
- No, no, no, words like crazy,
you don't use those
words anymore,
you know, people misunderstand.
Things have changed,
you know in the old days
people simply took for granted
that there were a few folks
who went crazy, and that
was it, they lock 'em up.
But today, through psychiatry,
we realize that practically
everybody needs some
kind of help, mentally.
- Well now there's
progress for you, you know.
- Darn right, you realize
that today in the hospitals
nearly half the
beds are taken up
by people with mental problems?
- Well if they only got
half a bed it's no wonder
they got a mental problem.
- No, you don't understand, no.
- Probably a fear of
falling or something.
- Dick, now come on,
psychiatry has benefited
a great many people.
- Right, mainly psychiatrists.
- Do you know who the
father of modern psychiatry is?
- Certainly, Fred McMurray.
- Oh, come on.
(audience laughing)
What's a matter with you?
- Well he told me so himself.
- Fred McMurray
told you he was the
father of modern psychiatry?
- You're right, he didn't.
- No.
- He told me he
was Jimmy Stewart.
- Oh, you don't know anything.
Have you ever
thought about analysis?
- Have I ever thought
about Alice's what?
- No, analysis.
You really don't know
anything about this subject.
- What, I happen to know
that psychiatry was invented by
Emmanuel K. Fuhnman, in 1836.
- 1836, long time ago.
- No, that was his room
number in the Sands Hotel
in Las Vegas.
(audience laughing)
- 1836.
- He was there on a convention.
- And he invented
psychiatry at the Sands Hotel
in Las Vegas.
- That's right, you see,
originally Emmanuel
was an accountant.
- I see.
- Then one day
his wife walked in,
found a girl on his couch.
Well, quick-thinking
devil like that,
he told her that he had
just invented analysis.
- (laughing) Remarkable.
- Yeah, and his wife said,
"Well you better get Alice
"outta here
before I call a cop."
- You really expect
me to believe that?
- I don't know why you
should, Mrs. Fuhnman didn't.
- I don't blame her,
Emmanuel K. Fuhnman,
what does the K stand for?
- Absolutely anything,
which is more than I
can say for his wife.
(voice muffled by
audience laughing)
I mean it's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Look, I can't sit, we better
start our look at psychiatry.
- Okay, I'm gonna
go to the couch now.
- Okay.
(bouncy music)
Everyone is crazy but you and me
And I'm not too sure about you
Oh that you are
headed toward insanity
With the kooky
things that you do
Everyone is teetering
upon the brink
It would be advisable
to see a shrink
Everyone's crazy but you and me
And I'm worried sick about you.
- Every night I dream
about men, men, men,
but my psychiatrist said
I shouldn't worry about it,
I mean it's completely normal.
In fact, he said he dreams
about the same thing,
men, men, men.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Gee doctor, I
think I need help.
Every now and then
I think I'm a rabbit.
- Hm, sounds interesting,
interesting case.
When would you
like to start treatment?
- Well, what about
right after Easter,
you know that's my busy season.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes it's so hard
to make those little eggs,
you know, the polka dot ones.
- I went to a nude
sensitivity session to prove
there was nothing wrong with me.
Boy did I show them.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Doctor, you've gotta help me.
- Well you've certainly
come to the right place.
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(whimsical music)
- Oh doctor, these
sessions have done wonders
to improve my memory.
I can not thank you enough.
- It's all right.
- Here's your money.
- Thank you.
- Oh, by the way doctor.
- Yes.
- Here's your money.
- Oh, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, by the way doctor,
here's your money.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Yes?
- Your next patient
is ready, doctor.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Hookstratten.
- Oh well, just a minute,
don't send him in
for one minute, okay?
- Yes, doctor.
(light jazz music)
- All right, send him in.
- Oh, it's no use doctor,
I still think I'm a girl.
- Well, well, we'll just
have to keep working on it
Edward, won't we?
- Oh, thank you doctor.
- Sit right here.
- I just love your therapy.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Everyone's neurotic
with the world this way
It's an understandable thing
Living with the pressures
of the average day
And the awful
troubles they bring
Driving on the freeway
on the way to work
The battles at the office
with the two bit clerk
Stress is not exactly
like such a jerk
And there's no
one jerkier than you
- I hated to leave
my psychiatrist,
he's such an
insecure little man.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, sorry I'm late, doctor.
I had a Bloody Mary this morning
and I'm lit up like
a Christmas tree.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that's all right,
Mr. Mitchell sit down and relax,
tell me what the problem is.
- Well it's my wife Martha,
she thinks she's the
queen of England.
- Well that's ridiculous,
I'm the queen of England.
- Who told you that?
- She did.
- [Deep Voice] I did not.
(audience laughing)
- Well now then, before
the university can award you
your final degree as doctor
of psychiatry Mr. Sprock,
you're going to have to
pass the oral examination,
is that clear to you?
All right, you may commence.
Assume the
patient's lying there.
- Ah-ha, I see, then what?
Ah-huh, I see.
Then what?
Ah-huh, I see, then what?
- Congratulations,
you've passed.
You are now a
full-fledged psychiatrist,
welcome to the club.
- Ah-huh, I see, then what?
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Wilder, the
hypnosis is concluded,
and I guarantee that
your wife will no longer
have the desire to smoke.
- Well that's great.
- Now,
I snap my fingers,
you will wake up.
- Ah, just a moment doctor.
Is it true that when a
person is hypnotized,
you cannot force
them to do anything
they wouldn't do ordinarily?
- Yes, that theory is
correct, now watch this.
(snapping fingers)
Audrey.
Jump out of that window.
(glass crashing)
(falling tone)
Did you notice that
all the way down
she didn't smoke once?
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In will return in
just a moment with our very
tasteful look at psychiatry.
In the meantime,
here's something that
will put you in need of it.
Thank you.
(tuba blowing)
(audience laughing)
That was a B-flat, I think.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Thank you.
Oh doctor, you've gotta help me.
- I'm sorry I can't,
your warranty's expired.
(audience laughing)
- Well what should I do?
- Well why not put a
bouquet in your teeth
and tell everyone
you're a window box.
- It's just that I,
what a great idea.
- Now when you go
to see a psychiatrist,
you don't have to
tell him that you are
having a mental problem,
with the prices they
charge, they already know it.
(audience laughing)
- No, doctor be careful,
don't touch the one on the left,
it really turns me on.
(audience laughing)
- As a practicing psychiatrist,
I would say that without
protection of omniscience,
I'd return certain ominous,
potent, or omnipotence
as to profound,
catastrophic complications.
Culminating in calamity
comparable only to a station
break.
That'll be $50.
(audience laughing)
- He must've had
a little drinky-poo.
(whimsical music)
(laughing)
- I get this terrible fear
someday a man is gonna
jump out and grab me.
My psychiatrist said
this'll never happen,
that's when I get
this terrible fear.
(audience laughing)
(cymbal clanging)
- Now when I snap my
fingers you will awaken and
no longer have
any fear of flying.
(snapping)
How do you feel?
- Oh doctor, I feel just great.
I no longer have
a fear of flying.
Oh, thank you very much, doctor.
- My pleasure.
- Bye-bye.
(whooping) (audience laughing)
- Send in the one
who thinks he's a fish.
(sputtering)
(audience laughing)
- Hey doctor, I gotta talk
to you about my neighbor.
- And what's the problem?
- Well my poor wife thinks
she's a clam dip man, like, um.
- So what's this
about your neighbor?
- Well this cat thinks
he's a potato chip.
(audience laughing)
- Well that's no problem,
make believe you're a keg of
beer and throw a block party.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- And so gentlemen, thus
we see that the criminal type
can be identified as
early as six years of age.
In my extended
study of this case,
I have found him
to be a liar.
I have found him to be a thief.
I have found him to
be a potential killer.
(crunching)
I have found him
to be a terrible biter.
(audience laughing)
This is evident in the
receding chin, the low forehead,
the hanging earlobes.
Now, I am not totally
prepared to account for this,
but I do know he doesn't get
it from my side of the family.
(audience laughing)
- Well now that I've
decided to see a psychiatrist,
doctor, you can just go
ahead and start telling me
what to do about my problems.
- Well actually Mrs. Orchard,
we don't tell you what to do.
- You don't?
- Oh no.
- Well then what do you do?
- I listen.
- That's how you
solve my problems?
- Well no actually, see,
you solve your problems.
And to do that, you're going
to have to work very hard
during these visits to
understand those problems
and you'll visit us
once or twice a week.
- Well for how long?
- Oh, perhaps a year, maybe ten.
- But you do guarantee a cure?
- Ohhh, oh no, we
don't guarantee anything.
Psychiatry offers no guarantees.
I can't promise you anything.
- [Mrs. Orchard] Oh no.
- Well your time
is up, that'll be $50.
- Oh wait, wait, just let
me get one thing clear.
Let me see now.
You say I'm gonna see you
once or twice a week for years.
- [Doctor] Mm-hm.
- And I'm going to work hard
to solve my own problems.
- [Doctor] Yes.
- With absolutely no
guarantee of anything.
- [Doctor] Oh no.
- Plus on top of it, I
pay you $50 a shot.
- [Doctor] That's right.
- I must be out of my mind.
- (laughing) You see there,
you're beginning to
understand already.
(audience laughing)
- $50 an hour, for what?
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whizzing)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, doctor I have
this terrible problem,
I think I'm a frog.
- You are a frog.
Don't come near me, I get warts.
(bell tolling)
(high-pitched whizzing)
- Well, that's our
look at psychiatry.
Did you learn anything at all?
- Gadzooks, sir.
- Oh you learned gadzooks,
learn anything else?
- What're you talk about,
I learn about psychiatry, I
Richard Sigmund Martin,
huh!
- Richard.
- Who single-handedly
invented the couch.
- Sigmund Martin.
- Ha, whoo!
- What about Sigmund Freud?
- He invented the chair.
- The chair.
- I invented the couch.
- You invented the couch.
- The couch I came up
with, the legs, the back, nice.
- You know that
Sigmund Freud is the
father of modern psychiatry.
- Maybe so, but he earned
that reputation on my couch.
Ask him yourself, go ahead.
- What do you mean, ask him?
- Ask him.
- Sigmund Freud's been
dead for many years.
- Ah-ha, those tempers,
those morbid fixations,
definite symptoms of the
classic shrinker-get syndrome.
- What's a shrinker-get?
- Well in Beverly
Hills by the...
- Oh come on get
(muffled) with me,
you're drivin' me
bananas with that...
I've got a rubber ducky
Sure it's silly but I love him
Even when he's
dancing with a sexy chic
I'm always thinking of him Quack
Comfort is and comfort
says and Oedipus,
Can make our analyst rich
They don't know exactly
what's ahead of us
But they're sure it's (mumbles)
People think you're
crazier than all the rest
When you get a zero
on your Rorschach test
Finally get that
guiltiness off your chest
And let the doctor show you how
Everyone is crazy but (mumbles)
And I'm worried sick about thou
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
- Ah, Peter.
- Hm?
- Oh, pardon me, excuse me.
I wanted to ask you something,
have you always been an actor?
- No, actually I
started out as a dancer
but I had an
embarrassing experience.
- Oh?
- While playing the
lead in Swan Lake
I got emotionally involved
and accidentally molted.
- Uh-huh.
Well, we've all
got our own story.
- Jokes, too.
- Yours is pretty weird.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Raft, I have had
occasion to see several of
your movies, and although
you do play a vulgar,
mean, tasteless gangster,
I have a feeling that
in your private life,
you're really a
very tasteful person.
- Ah, shut up.
(audience laughing)
- Frightful news about
Sir Satchel and that
native mess, isn't it?
- Um, is he still seeing her?
- Yes, her father offered
three cows if Sir Satchel
would do right by her.
- What would Sir
Satchel do with four cows?
- I said three cows (laughing).
- Have you had a
good look at the girl?
(voice drown out by
audience laughter)
- You might be
right, four cows, yes.
- It's time for another gin.
- You know Peter, being
here in this backwoods country
makes one stop and think.
- Indeed it does.
I'd liken it to Einfeld's
theory of relativity.
- A thousand pardons master,
it was Professor Einstein,
and the theory reads
E equals MC squared.
- No matter, Einfeld, Einstein.
(gun firing)
(servant groaning)
- I can't be
bothered by details.
- Cheeky beggar, wasn't he?
- Oh yes indeed.
I don't know why they
bother attending Oxford
when all they're
going to be is servants.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] The queen.
(bold brass music)
- Ta-ta-ta-ta,
ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tum.
- About face.
- Thank you.
- Tonight's flying fickle
finger of fate award
goes to some unknown genius
in the United States Army.
- Now that shouldn't come
as a surprise to anyone,
but this time they've
really outdone themselves.
- They certainly have.
According to an
article in the L.A. Times,
back in 1966 the army
stored 200 shells filled with
deadly nerve gas on
a frozen Alaskan lake.
- Now, the shells were
to remain on the ice
until the order came
to destroy them,
but somebody in the Army
didn't expect one thing.
- What was that?
- Spring.
- Surprise, ha, ha.
Yep, even in Alaska.
When Spring comes the ice melts.
And when it melted
the shells sank
to the bottom of the lake.
- Now you'd probably think
that the Army would rush in
and pull the stuff
out of the water.
- Ah, but you'd be wrong.
- Mm-hm.
- It wasn't until three
years later that it occurred to
somebody that they were missing.
And in 1969, they finally
went up there to drain the lake,
and dispose of the gas.
- And guess what,
if there had been any
leaks in the meantime,
that would've been
a nerve-wracking job.
- So here it is, U.S. Army.
If you get that sinking
feeling again next Spring,
put this little baby on ice,
it'll really calm your nerves.
(audience laughing)
(gun firing)
- Taxi!
(high-pitched tone)
- You're very attractive.
- Hey, why don't you use Nair.
(audience laughing)
- Jing-jing-jing, jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing, jing-jing
Jing-jing-jing, jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing, jing-jing.
- Jing-jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing.
(panting)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby Berkeley
Bring Bobby Fosse Bring...
(audience laughing)
- [Blonde Woman] Pardon me,
do you sell nudist
magazines here?
(rapid scratching)
- Lower shelf.
- Excuse me Peter, I just get
goosebumps whenever I see you.
Why if you and I could
only spend just a...
- Gladys, Gladys, Gladys,
if I tell you a secret,
will you promise to
keep your mouth shut?
- Oh yes.
- Good.
Now if I can only
think of a secret.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby...
(audience laughing)
- Hey Rog, what's that
you got in your hand?
- It's a guitar pick.
- What's a guitar pick?
- Oh about seven
bales a cotton a day.
(audience laughing)
- I love that joke (laughing).
- I know for a fact
that Dick Martin
is a screaming heterosexual.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby Berkeley
Ring Bobby Fosse
We're dancin' the news
Right here we (mumbles) dance
Hey look you laughers
Tell all the Rockettes
We're dancin' the news
Goll we're champions
Don't be hard on me
Better luck to your la-da-di-das
Maybe we're silly As (mumbling)
Where Laugh-In
is dancin' the news
With Dan and Ginger, hey
Laugh-In is dancin'
the news (crashing)
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In news,
with Edmund
Muskie in the running,
Walter Hickel up the creek.
Dick Zanuck down the drain,
Dean Martin under the weather,
and George Jessel over the hue.
- And this is Dan Rowan in
East St. Louis with a hot item.
- And this is Dick
Martin waiting for
that hot item's sister.
(audience laughing)
- Here is a future
news item, 1990.
The world was relieved today
when peace came to Vietnam,
Laos, Thailand,
Poland, and Syria.
This leaves Berkeley
and Kent State as our last
military trouble
spots in the world.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of campus
life, the CIA decided today
to cancel its investigation of
an ultra-secret organization
which has infiltrated many
of the nation's colleges.
This surprise decision
was made shortly after it was
revealed that the ultra-secret
organization was the CIA.
(audience laughing)
- Think about it.
Dateline Washington, after
continuing personnel changes
in the President's
cabinet, it was determined
that the kind of man that
best fills the administration's
needs is a natural leader,
who'll do just what he's told.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of the
chief executive,
following President Nixon's
recent appearance on
all three television networks,
regular viewers of the
preempted Mayberry program
swamped CBS switchboards
with a flood of phone calls
demanding to know why Goober
wasn't wearing his usual hat.
(audience laughing)
- Ah they watch
closely, I'll tell ya.
And now for news of the past,
Laugh-In takes you all
the way back in history
to the discovery of the foot.
- Ohhh, oh, ugh.
(gong sounding)
Oh, oh look.
There at the end of
my leg (chuckling).
- What the heck is it?
- Oh I don't know.
I never noticed it before.
- Look.
- Oh!
- I've got one too.
What shall we call it?
- Well, it looks like it's
about 12 inches long.
- Why don't we call it, a ruler.
- Oh good idea.
(audience laughing)
- Here's a hot item.
(imitates sizzling)
(audience laughing)
- This is the city, Los
Angeles, California.
My name's Peaches, I'm a fuzz.
Morning, be on the lookout
for a body of noxious fumes,
alias pollutants,
also known as smog.
Observed today choking
citizens in the vicinity of L.A.
It answers to the description
of brown and depressing,
and should be
considered dangerous.
That's all for now, 10-4.
Roger and Hammerstein.
(audience laughing)
- There are days when
nothing newsworthy happens
and reporters must
find significance
in the most innocuous events.
(crowd chattering)
- [Woman With Glasses]
Wait a minute, there he is.
- [Man] Oh there he is now.
(women chattering excitedly)
- I'm very sorry, but as the
president's press secretary
I must announce that there
are no news developments
at this time.
- Oh look Ron, we've gotta
have something to write about.
- No I'm sorry, there's
nothing happening,
he's just having his breakfast.
- Ah, breakfast,
what's he having?
- Just a little tea and toast.
- Oh.
- Tea?
- No coffee, tell me,
does this mean that
there's a shift in policy
away from Latin America?
- Or is this an indication
of the softening of
our hard line in the Far East?
- No, no, no, I don't think so,
he's just having a
little tea and toast.
- Tea?
- Okay, okay, now look, is
Mrs. Nixon having coffee?
- She's not even here.
- Oh, how long have
they been separated?
- They are not separated.
- You mean divorced?
- She is in San
Clemente that's all.
- Oh, San Clemente,
is that her share
of the community settlement?
- There is no settlement.
- You mean you're
saying he's cutting her off
without a dime?
- Please, it's all wrong.
I have no further comment!
(chattering excitedly)
- What a morning!
- What a president!
Already this morning he's
avoided two international crises,
and a divorce.
- Gee.
- And did you see the way
the press secretary walked?
(audience laughing)
La-da-ti-da Ladies and Gentlemen
That is all in the news
(crashing)
(audience applauding)
- Oh, what can I do for you?
- I lost my job in
the Secret Service
and I'm looking for employment.
- What is your name?
- I'm afraid I
can't tell you that.
- Uh-huh, you can't
tell me that, eh.
Well that's all I
wanted to hear,
I've got the
perfect job for you.
I want you to be there
tomorrow morning at eight o'clock.
- That's great, where is it?
- Oh I can't tell you that.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
- Good, that's
right up my alley.
(audience laughing)
- Just speak into my earring.
- Hey, Mr. Raft, you've been
in show business a long time.
- Yes Barbara, I
was born in a trunk.
- Oh, were your
parents in vaudeville?
- No, they were car thieves.
(audience laughing)
- Taxi.
(high-pitched tone)
("Pop Goes the Weasle")
- Gee you've got skinny legs.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(starter's pistol firing)
(wind blowing)
(audience laughing)
- And now America, drink up
because here come the Swizzlers.
- Do you like Engelbert
Humperdinck?
- Oh, he's cute.
- Would you like anything else?
- Yes, two more of the same.
- Oooohhhh.
(audience laughing)
- My good man,
your feeble attempts at humor
may force this
lovely lady and myself
to take our business to
another establishment.
Now, bring us two more beers.
- I'll have the same!
(audience laughing)
- Doris, you're outta sight.
- That's the way I look at it.
(audience laughing)
- All righty.
Hey these are all
the same magazine.
- Correct, my picture is in it.
Page 34.
I'm the center spread.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(gulping)
(bold brass music)
(rapid twanging tone)
- All right now
brothers and sisters.
- [Congregation] Yeah!
- I say to the
congregation of my new
drive-in revival center, if you
must, look upon the church
as a pit stop in the
drag race to salvation.
(audience laughing)
- Hardest crossword
puzzle I ever saw.
- Yeah, well never mind
that, just give me a five letter
word for something
under the hood of a car.
- Motor.
- Motor, does that
end with one Z or two?
(audience laughing)
- It doesn't have any Z's,
motor, M-O-T-O-R, motor.
- Hm, how bout fuzz?
- That hasn't got
anything to do with a car,
and anyway it's got
four letters, you said...
- You can't say four-letter
words on television.
- No but I can say it's
time for the quickies.
- That's it, quickies,
Q-U-I-K-Z-Z, thanks Dan.
- Here is today's thought,
a sausage is only as
strong as its weakest link.
- Now it's time for
these two goodies.
- Goody, goody.
(mellow big band music)
(crackling)
- Ah, outta sight.
- What is?
- I don't know, I can't see it.
(audience laughing)
(deep ticking)
(exploding)
(chair crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Sorry I'm late on
this, I read it five times.
That thing with the
dinosaur and the girl,
so beautiful.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh Peter, Peter, Peter,
it's just fabulous to have you,
well it's not that good,
but it is awfully nice
to have you here on the show.
- Well actually I wasn't gonna
come back on the show again.
- Oh, that'd been terrible.
- But the producer made
me a very attractive offer.
- Oh, whatever could it be?
- See you'll have to excuse me,
she's waiting backstage
for me right now.
(audience laughing)
- It's like acid into the skin.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I never met a
man I didn't like.
Come to think of it,
only a few I didn't love.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- We are anxiously
awaiting your reply,
sincerely yours,
et cetera, et cetera.
Would you read that
back to me, Mrs. Seaman.
(mimicking typewriter
keys clicking)
(audience laughing)
(crowd cheering)
(horn honking)
- Right on, brother.
- Gee, thanks.
(audience laughing)
(hammer knocking)
(swishing)
- Well, did you
like the quickies?
- Hm.
Well, I missed 'em, you know.
I'm too busy.
- You still into that
crossword puzzle, huh?
- Yeah, could you give me
a nine-letter word meaning
one who is totally,
unknowingly really dumb?
- Totally, unknowingly really,
how bout ignoramus?
- Ahhh, let's see.
- Ignoramus, you
should know that word.
- Ah, well actually I'm
writing to my congressman.
Ignoramonous,
respectfully, Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
- Father, I cannot tell a lie,
I chopped down the cherry tree.
- George.
- Yes.
- I cannot tell a lie.
- Okay.
- I am not your father.
- You're jesting.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of George Washington,
- George Washington was the
only president who campaigned
without knocking the
previous administration.
- Do you know George
Washington never told a lie,
and still got elected president.
- Kids, if George
Washington was so honest,
how come they close
the banks on his birthday?
(audience laughing)
- Little did George Washington
realize that someday
his face would be
on the 73 cent bill.
- You know the phrase,
Washington slept here?
I can think of a dozen current
issues where that's true.
- George Washington
and Richard Nixon have
something in common.
They both have vice
presidents who are experts in
18th century political thinking.
- If pollution had been as
bad in 1776 as it is today,
George Washington
would have rolled
the dollar across the Delaware.
- You know Dick,
this is the time of year
we all remember
George Washington.
- Who?
- In his farewell address,
Washington warned against
foreign entanglements,
so out of respect
maybe we should
end the Vietnam war
before it turns into
an entanglement.
(audience laughing)
- [Group] Happy
Birthday, George.
(tires squealing)
(engine roaring)
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Ford, with the better idea cars
for 1971, including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
(whimsical music)
- Well Dick, it's time
to say good night.
- But I'm not sleepy,
it's only, nine o'clock.
- You don't have to go to
bed, just say good night.
- Will you tuck me in
with milk and quickies?
- That's cookies.
- Oh, them too.
Can you tell me
a story (laughing).
- I don't know any stories.
- Well, I do.
Once upon a time my
Aunt Bertha was trapped
for one week in the
Department of Justice with
J. Edgar Hoover, John
Mitchell, and Henry Kissinger.
And when she
came out, she said...
- Boy you really snuck
up on me that time.
- Right, huh, and then she said,
"Man those conservatives
know how to treat a girl right."
- Is that what she said?
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Aunt Bertha,
and now you know why
they call it the grand old party.
- Good night everybody.
- We must learn
to love all people,
even though some are inferior.
- Hey Dan, I'll tell ya what's
wrong with this country,
there are too many people
telling us what's wrong with
this country, that's what's
wrong with this country.
- My psychiatrist told
me that I suffer from
a low level of comprehension.
- Oh really, what
does that mean?
- Oh you've got it too.
- What's that?
- [Barbara] Oh, that's the
way the cookie crumbles.
(audience laughing)
- I don't find that too amusing.
- Hey, do you know who
has the most successful
sex operation in history?
- Who?
- Hugh Hefner.
(audience laughing)
- Say kids, do you know how
to make it big in Hollywood?
- [Man] No.
- Marry Kate Smith.
- Hey, I know a college
professor who was
fired for political reasons.
- No, what did he do?
- He got caught with
the governor's wife.
- Ohh.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Venom.
- Venom who?
- Venom calling you.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know who
stands in the middle
of a blazing building?
- No (laughing), who?
- Smoky the jerk.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dick.
- [Dick] Ah-huh, hey.
- You know they're building
a closed stadium in Harlem,
just like the one in Houston,
only they're calling
it the Afrodome.
(audience laughing)
- The pizza was invented
in 1423 when a baker named
Angelo Singelli
accidentally sat -
This is so snakey.
On some lasagna.
And Johnson's back in town.
- What do you get if you
cross an elephant with a flea?
- I don't know.
- I don't either, but if one
lands on my dog he's a goner.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(upbeat, funky music)
- Yeah, taxi!
(high-pitched tones)
(woman laughing)
(woman gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Some people'll do
anything for a laugh.
(audience laughing)
- Do you sell Newsweek?
(audience laughing)
- Boring.
- Oh, hey, big boy,
how'd you like to be
cuddled up close to me, huh?
- No thanks, I'm
allergic to rubber.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight's program was
pre-recorded in order to allow
the NBC censors time
to eliminate those parts
that they consider distasteful.
Unfortunately, they
misplaced their crayons.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. President, if I got
married, here's what I'd do.
I'd get something
borrowed, something blue,
something old and
something I knew.
(audience laughing)
- Well I guess the
show's over with.
But, I don't have
to be good no more,
'cause I'm goin' to bed anyhow.
But I don't have to go
to bed if I don't want too.
And next week, I'm
gonna sing and dance,
and play the kazoo
and drink beer.
But don't you tell daddy,
'cause he don't like
me to play kazoo.
(audience laughing)
(blowing kazoo)
That was Beethoven's 5th.
- Kids, this is your pal
George Raft telling you,
do what your mommy
says and you won't get hurt.
(audience laughing)
- He looks to me like a guy who
would wear bronze shoes, ew.
(singular clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- My mama said
if I was a good girl,
I could stay up
and watch Laugh-In.
And if I was a very good
girl, I could watch Lucy.
Well I'd rather be
a little bit naughty
and I could sit up
and watch Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
And that's the truth.
- If movies get anymore daring,
they'll be opening
with the MGM lions
standing in a
box of kitty litter.
(audience laughing)
- All right panel, you
have seen and questioned
our three contestants and now,
will the real Howard
Hughes please stand up.
(drum roll) (whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whistling)
(audience laughing)
Good heavens, they
were Howard Hughes.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Mr. Raft, they told
me I could find you here.
- Yeah, well, the
bank job is off, Rocky,
so you can take that stocking
cap off your head now.
- Oooohhhh.
(audience laughing)
(rapid swishing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(high-pitched tone)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched tone)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Novice
Broadcasting Company,
puts two over on the public,
and presents, Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the
fox-trotting Dan Rowan,
and the bunny-hopping
Dick Martin.
With the fantastic
fandangos of petite and pretty,
Peter Lawford and Arte Johnson.
And, Ruth Buzzi,
with Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and bouncing Barbara Sharma,
and me, I'm Gary Owens,
with a suggestion for those
of you thirsty for knowledge.
Drink an encyclopedia.
(audience laughing)
- Harriet, Harriet,
come here, quick.
- What is it, Armand?
- This new cleanser shakes
out white and turns blue.
- Armand, you're a
sick, boring person,
and I want a divorce.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better idea cars
for 1971, including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
- What have you got in your
pornography department?
- Well we got seven
members of the vice squad,
the entire lady's
anti-smut league,
and a few autographed
pictures of Jacqueline Susann.
(audience laughing)
(straw sucking)
(beeping)
(straw sucking)
(beeping)
(high-pitched tone)
(audience laughing)
(straw sucking)
Ahh-ah-ah-ah.
(Cinderella crying)
- Don't cry Cinderella,
I'm your fairy godmother.
And anything you
wish shall be granted.
- Anything, oh I'm
so happy (crying).
Give me a handkerchief (crying).
- It hardly seems
worth the trip.
(Cinderella crying)
(audience laughing)
And here I'm up to
my wand in fairy dust.
Ahhhh.
(Cinderella crying)
- Remember girls, happiness
is havin' a good husband,
and a good provider,
and true happiness
is when they're
all the same guy.
(audience laughing)
- Children.
- [Group] Yeah.
- If you wanna go to heaven
you must restrain yourself
from earthly pleasures.
After you get to heaven,
then you fool around.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Roger, who sings
that song England Swings
Like a Pendulum Do?
- I does.
(both humming)
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
someday in the future
when everything
is said and done,
I'll be able to
look back and say
I made 25 great gangster
movies, 12 sensational musicals,
eight fantastic westerns,
and one incredible mistake,
and here it is.
Introducing Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen,
I haven't any idea (drumming)
(Dick chanting)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- How.
- (Laughing) I haven't any idea.
What are you doin'?
What is that?
(Dan imitating chanting)
- Well that is
either a rain dance,
or the Apache fertility right.
(audience laughing)
- Well it's not raining.
(audience laughing)
- Well I may be in a
lot a trouble then, huh?
(audience laughing)
- I suppose you're gonna
tell me you're an Indian.
- Amazing, man you're quick.
You don't miss a thing.
Cannot fool you, boy.
- Saw it right away, now tell,
why are you
dressed as an Indian?
- Well it happens to be to
preserve my Indian heritage.
- Your Indian heritage.
- Yes, I am direct
descendant from
Chief Buffalo Fuhnman.
- Buffalo Fuhnman.
- Buffalo Fuhnman,
the Indian prophet.
- What's an Indian prophet?
- Oh in a good month
about four beavers...
- [Dan] Awwww.
- I gotcha there, didn't I?
- Hey, other than old jokes,
what was this Buffalo
Fuhnman known for?
Is he famous for something else?
- Well yes, he was years
and years ahead of his time.
- Ahead of his time.
- You remember that painting
of the Indian with the head
on the horse, with his
head hanging down,
and staff like that?
- Oh yeah, very famous painting.
- Very famous, that
was Buffalo Fuhnman.
- That was Buffalo?
- Yes, the day he foresaw
the coming of the white man.
- He foresaw,
how did he do that?
- Well, they were right
at the bottom of the hill
and he said, "Hey you guys,
here come the white men."
(audience laughing)
- He foresaw, really
ahead of his time.
- Yeah, about three
minutes, actually.
- That's remarkable, remarkable.
- Then he joined the SIA,
the Secret Indian Agency.
- Secret Indian, he was a spy.
- Yes.
And once, when the
cavalry was after him...
- Oh boy.
- He disguised himself
cleverly as a buffalo...
- That's how he got his
name Buffalo Fuhnman.
- That's one of the ways.
- Oh, I won't ask
about the other one.
- No, you better not.
- Okay, so they're
after him and he
disguised himself as a buffalo.
- And he mingled with the herd.
- Ah, did he get caught?
- Certainly, it was
a herd of goats.
(audience laughing)
- That is stupid, no goat...
- Oh he was doin' fine
though, he was doin' fine
til he lost his temper.
- He lost his temper?
- Yes, he did get, some
soldier said, "Say that tall one
"in the middle's the
ugliest goat I've ever seen."
(audience laughing)
He stood up, and he went
after him with his hatchet.
- I see, I can't blame
him for getting mad at that.
- Yeah, then came
that fateful day, fateful.
- That fateful day.
- F-A-E-T-I way, fateful.
- We understood, don't
lose your rhythm there now.
- The fateful day...
- What happened?
- Buffalo saved an entire
Indian village from starving.
- He saved a
whole, or gloriosity.
- He wove a huge trapping net,
and the Indians took
it to the forest and
caught a strange animal.
- What did the Indians net?
(Dick snorting)
(audience laughing)
- What did the Indians net?
- About a buck and
a half (mumbles),
I don't wanna hear them.
- White man steal
Indian punch line.
(audience laughing)
- I have your back, let's
just steal off to the party,
what'da you say?
- Good idea, I'll get my
peace pipe and go with ya.
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I've just been reading
about some strange,
frightening creatures, like
the Loch Ness Monster,
the abominable snowman,
and the killers of Lake Erie.
- What are the
killers of Lake Erie?
- Mostly Pittsburgh
and Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- The Labor Department
just came up with a list
of our most insecure jobs.
The worst ones were
town criers, blacksmiths,
and members of the
president's cabinet.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- My boss is really a nosy guy.
He insists on reading
his mail before I do.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I heard about a picture that
cost the producer $2 million.
It was taken by a house
detective through a motel window.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Mr. Policeman you're
in law enforcement.
- Yes, mam.
- Tell me, why is it that every
time when we have a new
administration, the only
one who doesn't get fired
is J. Edgar Hoover.
- Well, maybe he knows too much.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Lately there's been
great freedom in the arts.
There was nudity in
books, in the movies,
and in the theater.
About the only way a
man could avoid sex,
was to get married.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Hey Boomer here, I just heard
that Mama Cass is gonna be a
Playboy Playmate of the Month.
And it's the first time
the magazine will have a
centerfold that folds
out, and out, and out,
over, through, around.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(laughing)
- You know what?
(laughing) Hard as a rock.
(audience laughing)
You know you remind me
of that famous western star.
You know the one I mean,
works all the time with Roy Rogers.
- Dale Evans.
- No, Trigger (laughing).
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- On some colleges, the
campus police have a slogan
about students, if you
can't join 'em, beat 'em.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Mm, how'd you like
to go up to my place and
turn the lights
down real low and
listen to my favorite record?
- Mm, what's the record?
- Oh, 'bout 3 1/2 days.
- Hm, you must have some album.
- Thank you!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know California has a
black superintendent of schools.
The question now is, will
he have to be bused to work?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- President Nixon's doctors
have just advised him to
get more rest away from
the problems of government.
Now if we could just get them
to prescribe the same thing
for the rest of the country.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- You know, as much as the
administration is in the news,
there's one person who
seems to be out of it, Mrs. Nixon.
Yes, there is a Mrs. Nixon,
and she's our most exciting
first lady since Bess Truman.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
(audience applauding)
(high-pitched tones)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- And now for all of you
lovers of the unusual,
here are the breath-taking
antics of the daring
Tyrone of Horni, and the
tempting Miss Gladys Hornsby.
(siren whirring)
(slow oriental music)
(singing quietly)
- Dah-dah.
(Gladys startling)
(Tyrone laughing)
Good to be back at the
same old stand (laughing).
Miss Hornsby, the soaring
temperature of the day
prompts me to inquire
if you would care to
accompany me for a swim
at a nearby natatorium.
- You mean a swimming pool?
- Noooo, you fool you.
Let's be off to the plunge,
there I can enjoy the
gratification I receive
while watching your aquatic
calisthenics, hm (chuckling).
- What does that mean?
- Oh well, um (clearing throat)
that means I want to watch
you hop on the diving board
so I may sneak a
peek at your half gainer.
- (gasping) Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps you might
dive into the deep end
and do your natural
stroke, the dog paddle.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps it'll cheer you up
to see me do my
dead man's float.
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched tones)
- Hey Frank, don't wait dinner.
Me and Gladys are
going to dine at the joint.
(entertaining musical rift)
- Ah, paperboy.
(high-pitched tone)
- Oh, you got two pair
a pants with that suit.
(audience laughing)
- How disgusting.
Absolutely deplorable.
This magazine is pure smut.
- Yeah.
- Do you accept Diner's cards?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I'm Suzy Sorority
from the silent majority.
Rah.
Daddy is a true American,
he believes in God,
county, and Yale.
But not necessarily
in that order.
(audience laughing)
Rah.
(audience laughing)
- George Raft, you're one
of the all-time great heavies.
- Um, look who's talkin'.
(audience laughing)
- Remember the
truth never hurts,
unless you tell it
about a big guy.
(audience laughing)
- Gee Roger, did you
write a song called
You Can't Roller
Skate in a Buffalo Herd?
- Yes, I did.
- What's a buffalo herd?
- Well lately, a lot of
discouraging words.
(audience laughing)
- The Amana people
have just developed a huge
radar range microwave
oven that will roast
a hundred pounds of
beef in four seconds.
Never to be outdone,
RCA-Whirpool is at this very moment
hard at work on a giant mouth,
that will eat a hundred
pounds of beef in three seconds.
(audience laughing)
And now here's a report
from that very mouth.
(mouth chomping)
- Is that a chicken
joke, ha-ha-ha-ha.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Well tonight our
mod world's gonna
take a look at psychiatry.
- Oh you crazy son of a gun you.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh hold it.
- Huh?
- You can't say that anymore.
- Can't say son of a gun?
- No, no, no, words like crazy,
you don't use those
words anymore,
you know, people misunderstand.
Things have changed,
you know in the old days
people simply took for granted
that there were a few folks
who went crazy, and that
was it, they lock 'em up.
But today, through psychiatry,
we realize that practically
everybody needs some
kind of help, mentally.
- Well now there's
progress for you, you know.
- Darn right, you realize
that today in the hospitals
nearly half the
beds are taken up
by people with mental problems?
- Well if they only got
half a bed it's no wonder
they got a mental problem.
- No, you don't understand, no.
- Probably a fear of
falling or something.
- Dick, now come on,
psychiatry has benefited
a great many people.
- Right, mainly psychiatrists.
- Do you know who the
father of modern psychiatry is?
- Certainly, Fred McMurray.
- Oh, come on.
(audience laughing)
What's a matter with you?
- Well he told me so himself.
- Fred McMurray
told you he was the
father of modern psychiatry?
- You're right, he didn't.
- No.
- He told me he
was Jimmy Stewart.
- Oh, you don't know anything.
Have you ever
thought about analysis?
- Have I ever thought
about Alice's what?
- No, analysis.
You really don't know
anything about this subject.
- What, I happen to know
that psychiatry was invented by
Emmanuel K. Fuhnman, in 1836.
- 1836, long time ago.
- No, that was his room
number in the Sands Hotel
in Las Vegas.
(audience laughing)
- 1836.
- He was there on a convention.
- And he invented
psychiatry at the Sands Hotel
in Las Vegas.
- That's right, you see,
originally Emmanuel
was an accountant.
- I see.
- Then one day
his wife walked in,
found a girl on his couch.
Well, quick-thinking
devil like that,
he told her that he had
just invented analysis.
- (laughing) Remarkable.
- Yeah, and his wife said,
"Well you better get Alice
"outta here
before I call a cop."
- You really expect
me to believe that?
- I don't know why you
should, Mrs. Fuhnman didn't.
- I don't blame her,
Emmanuel K. Fuhnman,
what does the K stand for?
- Absolutely anything,
which is more than I
can say for his wife.
(voice muffled by
audience laughing)
I mean it's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Look, I can't sit, we better
start our look at psychiatry.
- Okay, I'm gonna
go to the couch now.
- Okay.
(bouncy music)
Everyone is crazy but you and me
And I'm not too sure about you
Oh that you are
headed toward insanity
With the kooky
things that you do
Everyone is teetering
upon the brink
It would be advisable
to see a shrink
Everyone's crazy but you and me
And I'm worried sick about you.
- Every night I dream
about men, men, men,
but my psychiatrist said
I shouldn't worry about it,
I mean it's completely normal.
In fact, he said he dreams
about the same thing,
men, men, men.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Gee doctor, I
think I need help.
Every now and then
I think I'm a rabbit.
- Hm, sounds interesting,
interesting case.
When would you
like to start treatment?
- Well, what about
right after Easter,
you know that's my busy season.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes it's so hard
to make those little eggs,
you know, the polka dot ones.
- I went to a nude
sensitivity session to prove
there was nothing wrong with me.
Boy did I show them.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Doctor, you've gotta help me.
- Well you've certainly
come to the right place.
(audience laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(whimsical music)
- Oh doctor, these
sessions have done wonders
to improve my memory.
I can not thank you enough.
- It's all right.
- Here's your money.
- Thank you.
- Oh, by the way doctor.
- Yes.
- Here's your money.
- Oh, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, by the way doctor,
here's your money.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Yes?
- Your next patient
is ready, doctor.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Hookstratten.
- Oh well, just a minute,
don't send him in
for one minute, okay?
- Yes, doctor.
(light jazz music)
- All right, send him in.
- Oh, it's no use doctor,
I still think I'm a girl.
- Well, well, we'll just
have to keep working on it
Edward, won't we?
- Oh, thank you doctor.
- Sit right here.
- I just love your therapy.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Everyone's neurotic
with the world this way
It's an understandable thing
Living with the pressures
of the average day
And the awful
troubles they bring
Driving on the freeway
on the way to work
The battles at the office
with the two bit clerk
Stress is not exactly
like such a jerk
And there's no
one jerkier than you
- I hated to leave
my psychiatrist,
he's such an
insecure little man.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, sorry I'm late, doctor.
I had a Bloody Mary this morning
and I'm lit up like
a Christmas tree.
(audience laughing)
- Oh that's all right,
Mr. Mitchell sit down and relax,
tell me what the problem is.
- Well it's my wife Martha,
she thinks she's the
queen of England.
- Well that's ridiculous,
I'm the queen of England.
- Who told you that?
- She did.
- [Deep Voice] I did not.
(audience laughing)
- Well now then, before
the university can award you
your final degree as doctor
of psychiatry Mr. Sprock,
you're going to have to
pass the oral examination,
is that clear to you?
All right, you may commence.
Assume the
patient's lying there.
- Ah-ha, I see, then what?
Ah-huh, I see.
Then what?
Ah-huh, I see, then what?
- Congratulations,
you've passed.
You are now a
full-fledged psychiatrist,
welcome to the club.
- Ah-huh, I see, then what?
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Wilder, the
hypnosis is concluded,
and I guarantee that
your wife will no longer
have the desire to smoke.
- Well that's great.
- Now,
I snap my fingers,
you will wake up.
- Ah, just a moment doctor.
Is it true that when a
person is hypnotized,
you cannot force
them to do anything
they wouldn't do ordinarily?
- Yes, that theory is
correct, now watch this.
(snapping fingers)
Audrey.
Jump out of that window.
(glass crashing)
(falling tone)
Did you notice that
all the way down
she didn't smoke once?
(audience laughing)
- Laugh-In will return in
just a moment with our very
tasteful look at psychiatry.
In the meantime,
here's something that
will put you in need of it.
Thank you.
(tuba blowing)
(audience laughing)
That was a B-flat, I think.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Thank you.
Oh doctor, you've gotta help me.
- I'm sorry I can't,
your warranty's expired.
(audience laughing)
- Well what should I do?
- Well why not put a
bouquet in your teeth
and tell everyone
you're a window box.
- It's just that I,
what a great idea.
- Now when you go
to see a psychiatrist,
you don't have to
tell him that you are
having a mental problem,
with the prices they
charge, they already know it.
(audience laughing)
- No, doctor be careful,
don't touch the one on the left,
it really turns me on.
(audience laughing)
- As a practicing psychiatrist,
I would say that without
protection of omniscience,
I'd return certain ominous,
potent, or omnipotence
as to profound,
catastrophic complications.
Culminating in calamity
comparable only to a station
break.
That'll be $50.
(audience laughing)
- He must've had
a little drinky-poo.
(whimsical music)
(laughing)
- I get this terrible fear
someday a man is gonna
jump out and grab me.
My psychiatrist said
this'll never happen,
that's when I get
this terrible fear.
(audience laughing)
(cymbal clanging)
- Now when I snap my
fingers you will awaken and
no longer have
any fear of flying.
(snapping)
How do you feel?
- Oh doctor, I feel just great.
I no longer have
a fear of flying.
Oh, thank you very much, doctor.
- My pleasure.
- Bye-bye.
(whooping) (audience laughing)
- Send in the one
who thinks he's a fish.
(sputtering)
(audience laughing)
- Hey doctor, I gotta talk
to you about my neighbor.
- And what's the problem?
- Well my poor wife thinks
she's a clam dip man, like, um.
- So what's this
about your neighbor?
- Well this cat thinks
he's a potato chip.
(audience laughing)
- Well that's no problem,
make believe you're a keg of
beer and throw a block party.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- And so gentlemen, thus
we see that the criminal type
can be identified as
early as six years of age.
In my extended
study of this case,
I have found him
to be a liar.
I have found him to be a thief.
I have found him to
be a potential killer.
(crunching)
I have found him
to be a terrible biter.
(audience laughing)
This is evident in the
receding chin, the low forehead,
the hanging earlobes.
Now, I am not totally
prepared to account for this,
but I do know he doesn't get
it from my side of the family.
(audience laughing)
- Well now that I've
decided to see a psychiatrist,
doctor, you can just go
ahead and start telling me
what to do about my problems.
- Well actually Mrs. Orchard,
we don't tell you what to do.
- You don't?
- Oh no.
- Well then what do you do?
- I listen.
- That's how you
solve my problems?
- Well no actually, see,
you solve your problems.
And to do that, you're going
to have to work very hard
during these visits to
understand those problems
and you'll visit us
once or twice a week.
- Well for how long?
- Oh, perhaps a year, maybe ten.
- But you do guarantee a cure?
- Ohhh, oh no, we
don't guarantee anything.
Psychiatry offers no guarantees.
I can't promise you anything.
- [Mrs. Orchard] Oh no.
- Well your time
is up, that'll be $50.
- Oh wait, wait, just let
me get one thing clear.
Let me see now.
You say I'm gonna see you
once or twice a week for years.
- [Doctor] Mm-hm.
- And I'm going to work hard
to solve my own problems.
- [Doctor] Yes.
- With absolutely no
guarantee of anything.
- [Doctor] Oh no.
- Plus on top of it, I
pay you $50 a shot.
- [Doctor] That's right.
- I must be out of my mind.
- (laughing) You see there,
you're beginning to
understand already.
(audience laughing)
- $50 an hour, for what?
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whizzing)
(audience laughing)
- Ah, doctor I have
this terrible problem,
I think I'm a frog.
- You are a frog.
Don't come near me, I get warts.
(bell tolling)
(high-pitched whizzing)
- Well, that's our
look at psychiatry.
Did you learn anything at all?
- Gadzooks, sir.
- Oh you learned gadzooks,
learn anything else?
- What're you talk about,
I learn about psychiatry, I
Richard Sigmund Martin,
huh!
- Richard.
- Who single-handedly
invented the couch.
- Sigmund Martin.
- Ha, whoo!
- What about Sigmund Freud?
- He invented the chair.
- The chair.
- I invented the couch.
- You invented the couch.
- The couch I came up
with, the legs, the back, nice.
- You know that
Sigmund Freud is the
father of modern psychiatry.
- Maybe so, but he earned
that reputation on my couch.
Ask him yourself, go ahead.
- What do you mean, ask him?
- Ask him.
- Sigmund Freud's been
dead for many years.
- Ah-ha, those tempers,
those morbid fixations,
definite symptoms of the
classic shrinker-get syndrome.
- What's a shrinker-get?
- Well in Beverly
Hills by the...
- Oh come on get
(muffled) with me,
you're drivin' me
bananas with that...
I've got a rubber ducky
Sure it's silly but I love him
Even when he's
dancing with a sexy chic
I'm always thinking of him Quack
Comfort is and comfort
says and Oedipus,
Can make our analyst rich
They don't know exactly
what's ahead of us
But they're sure it's (mumbles)
People think you're
crazier than all the rest
When you get a zero
on your Rorschach test
Finally get that
guiltiness off your chest
And let the doctor show you how
Everyone is crazy but (mumbles)
And I'm worried sick about thou
(audience laughing)
(fast-paced, whimsical music)
- Ah, Peter.
- Hm?
- Oh, pardon me, excuse me.
I wanted to ask you something,
have you always been an actor?
- No, actually I
started out as a dancer
but I had an
embarrassing experience.
- Oh?
- While playing the
lead in Swan Lake
I got emotionally involved
and accidentally molted.
- Uh-huh.
Well, we've all
got our own story.
- Jokes, too.
- Yours is pretty weird.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Raft, I have had
occasion to see several of
your movies, and although
you do play a vulgar,
mean, tasteless gangster,
I have a feeling that
in your private life,
you're really a
very tasteful person.
- Ah, shut up.
(audience laughing)
- Frightful news about
Sir Satchel and that
native mess, isn't it?
- Um, is he still seeing her?
- Yes, her father offered
three cows if Sir Satchel
would do right by her.
- What would Sir
Satchel do with four cows?
- I said three cows (laughing).
- Have you had a
good look at the girl?
(voice drown out by
audience laughter)
- You might be
right, four cows, yes.
- It's time for another gin.
- You know Peter, being
here in this backwoods country
makes one stop and think.
- Indeed it does.
I'd liken it to Einfeld's
theory of relativity.
- A thousand pardons master,
it was Professor Einstein,
and the theory reads
E equals MC squared.
- No matter, Einfeld, Einstein.
(gun firing)
(servant groaning)
- I can't be
bothered by details.
- Cheeky beggar, wasn't he?
- Oh yes indeed.
I don't know why they
bother attending Oxford
when all they're
going to be is servants.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] The queen.
(bold brass music)
- Ta-ta-ta-ta,
ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tum.
- About face.
- Thank you.
- Tonight's flying fickle
finger of fate award
goes to some unknown genius
in the United States Army.
- Now that shouldn't come
as a surprise to anyone,
but this time they've
really outdone themselves.
- They certainly have.
According to an
article in the L.A. Times,
back in 1966 the army
stored 200 shells filled with
deadly nerve gas on
a frozen Alaskan lake.
- Now, the shells were
to remain on the ice
until the order came
to destroy them,
but somebody in the Army
didn't expect one thing.
- What was that?
- Spring.
- Surprise, ha, ha.
Yep, even in Alaska.
When Spring comes the ice melts.
And when it melted
the shells sank
to the bottom of the lake.
- Now you'd probably think
that the Army would rush in
and pull the stuff
out of the water.
- Ah, but you'd be wrong.
- Mm-hm.
- It wasn't until three
years later that it occurred to
somebody that they were missing.
And in 1969, they finally
went up there to drain the lake,
and dispose of the gas.
- And guess what,
if there had been any
leaks in the meantime,
that would've been
a nerve-wracking job.
- So here it is, U.S. Army.
If you get that sinking
feeling again next Spring,
put this little baby on ice,
it'll really calm your nerves.
(audience laughing)
(gun firing)
- Taxi!
(high-pitched tone)
- You're very attractive.
- Hey, why don't you use Nair.
(audience laughing)
- Jing-jing-jing, jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing, jing-jing
Jing-jing-jing, jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing, jing-jing.
- Jing-jing-jing,
jing-jing-jing.
(panting)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby Berkeley
Bring Bobby Fosse Bring...
(audience laughing)
- [Blonde Woman] Pardon me,
do you sell nudist
magazines here?
(rapid scratching)
- Lower shelf.
- Excuse me Peter, I just get
goosebumps whenever I see you.
Why if you and I could
only spend just a...
- Gladys, Gladys, Gladys,
if I tell you a secret,
will you promise to
keep your mouth shut?
- Oh yes.
- Good.
Now if I can only
think of a secret.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby...
(audience laughing)
- Hey Rog, what's that
you got in your hand?
- It's a guitar pick.
- What's a guitar pick?
- Oh about seven
bales a cotton a day.
(audience laughing)
- I love that joke (laughing).
- I know for a fact
that Dick Martin
is a screaming heterosexual.
(audience laughing)
(light, bouncy music)
Call up June Taylor
Phone Busby Berkeley
Ring Bobby Fosse
We're dancin' the news
Right here we (mumbles) dance
Hey look you laughers
Tell all the Rockettes
We're dancin' the news
Goll we're champions
Don't be hard on me
Better luck to your la-da-di-das
Maybe we're silly As (mumbling)
Where Laugh-In
is dancin' the news
With Dan and Ginger, hey
Laugh-In is dancin'
the news (crashing)
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In news,
with Edmund
Muskie in the running,
Walter Hickel up the creek.
Dick Zanuck down the drain,
Dean Martin under the weather,
and George Jessel over the hue.
- And this is Dan Rowan in
East St. Louis with a hot item.
- And this is Dick
Martin waiting for
that hot item's sister.
(audience laughing)
- Here is a future
news item, 1990.
The world was relieved today
when peace came to Vietnam,
Laos, Thailand,
Poland, and Syria.
This leaves Berkeley
and Kent State as our last
military trouble
spots in the world.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of campus
life, the CIA decided today
to cancel its investigation of
an ultra-secret organization
which has infiltrated many
of the nation's colleges.
This surprise decision
was made shortly after it was
revealed that the ultra-secret
organization was the CIA.
(audience laughing)
- Think about it.
Dateline Washington, after
continuing personnel changes
in the President's
cabinet, it was determined
that the kind of man that
best fills the administration's
needs is a natural leader,
who'll do just what he's told.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of the
chief executive,
following President Nixon's
recent appearance on
all three television networks,
regular viewers of the
preempted Mayberry program
swamped CBS switchboards
with a flood of phone calls
demanding to know why Goober
wasn't wearing his usual hat.
(audience laughing)
- Ah they watch
closely, I'll tell ya.
And now for news of the past,
Laugh-In takes you all
the way back in history
to the discovery of the foot.
- Ohhh, oh, ugh.
(gong sounding)
Oh, oh look.
There at the end of
my leg (chuckling).
- What the heck is it?
- Oh I don't know.
I never noticed it before.
- Look.
- Oh!
- I've got one too.
What shall we call it?
- Well, it looks like it's
about 12 inches long.
- Why don't we call it, a ruler.
- Oh good idea.
(audience laughing)
- Here's a hot item.
(imitates sizzling)
(audience laughing)
- This is the city, Los
Angeles, California.
My name's Peaches, I'm a fuzz.
Morning, be on the lookout
for a body of noxious fumes,
alias pollutants,
also known as smog.
Observed today choking
citizens in the vicinity of L.A.
It answers to the description
of brown and depressing,
and should be
considered dangerous.
That's all for now, 10-4.
Roger and Hammerstein.
(audience laughing)
- There are days when
nothing newsworthy happens
and reporters must
find significance
in the most innocuous events.
(crowd chattering)
- [Woman With Glasses]
Wait a minute, there he is.
- [Man] Oh there he is now.
(women chattering excitedly)
- I'm very sorry, but as the
president's press secretary
I must announce that there
are no news developments
at this time.
- Oh look Ron, we've gotta
have something to write about.
- No I'm sorry, there's
nothing happening,
he's just having his breakfast.
- Ah, breakfast,
what's he having?
- Just a little tea and toast.
- Oh.
- Tea?
- No coffee, tell me,
does this mean that
there's a shift in policy
away from Latin America?
- Or is this an indication
of the softening of
our hard line in the Far East?
- No, no, no, I don't think so,
he's just having a
little tea and toast.
- Tea?
- Okay, okay, now look, is
Mrs. Nixon having coffee?
- She's not even here.
- Oh, how long have
they been separated?
- They are not separated.
- You mean divorced?
- She is in San
Clemente that's all.
- Oh, San Clemente,
is that her share
of the community settlement?
- There is no settlement.
- You mean you're
saying he's cutting her off
without a dime?
- Please, it's all wrong.
I have no further comment!
(chattering excitedly)
- What a morning!
- What a president!
Already this morning he's
avoided two international crises,
and a divorce.
- Gee.
- And did you see the way
the press secretary walked?
(audience laughing)
La-da-ti-da Ladies and Gentlemen
That is all in the news
(crashing)
(audience applauding)
- Oh, what can I do for you?
- I lost my job in
the Secret Service
and I'm looking for employment.
- What is your name?
- I'm afraid I
can't tell you that.
- Uh-huh, you can't
tell me that, eh.
Well that's all I
wanted to hear,
I've got the
perfect job for you.
I want you to be there
tomorrow morning at eight o'clock.
- That's great, where is it?
- Oh I can't tell you that.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
- Good, that's
right up my alley.
(audience laughing)
- Just speak into my earring.
- Hey, Mr. Raft, you've been
in show business a long time.
- Yes Barbara, I
was born in a trunk.
- Oh, were your
parents in vaudeville?
- No, they were car thieves.
(audience laughing)
- Taxi.
(high-pitched tone)
("Pop Goes the Weasle")
- Gee you've got skinny legs.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(starter's pistol firing)
(wind blowing)
(audience laughing)
- And now America, drink up
because here come the Swizzlers.
- Do you like Engelbert
Humperdinck?
- Oh, he's cute.
- Would you like anything else?
- Yes, two more of the same.
- Oooohhhh.
(audience laughing)
- My good man,
your feeble attempts at humor
may force this
lovely lady and myself
to take our business to
another establishment.
Now, bring us two more beers.
- I'll have the same!
(audience laughing)
- Doris, you're outta sight.
- That's the way I look at it.
(audience laughing)
- All righty.
Hey these are all
the same magazine.
- Correct, my picture is in it.
Page 34.
I'm the center spread.
(audience laughing)
(fast, whimsical music)
(gulping)
(bold brass music)
(rapid twanging tone)
- All right now
brothers and sisters.
- [Congregation] Yeah!
- I say to the
congregation of my new
drive-in revival center, if you
must, look upon the church
as a pit stop in the
drag race to salvation.
(audience laughing)
- Hardest crossword
puzzle I ever saw.
- Yeah, well never mind
that, just give me a five letter
word for something
under the hood of a car.
- Motor.
- Motor, does that
end with one Z or two?
(audience laughing)
- It doesn't have any Z's,
motor, M-O-T-O-R, motor.
- Hm, how bout fuzz?
- That hasn't got
anything to do with a car,
and anyway it's got
four letters, you said...
- You can't say four-letter
words on television.
- No but I can say it's
time for the quickies.
- That's it, quickies,
Q-U-I-K-Z-Z, thanks Dan.
- Here is today's thought,
a sausage is only as
strong as its weakest link.
- Now it's time for
these two goodies.
- Goody, goody.
(mellow big band music)
(crackling)
- Ah, outta sight.
- What is?
- I don't know, I can't see it.
(audience laughing)
(deep ticking)
(exploding)
(chair crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Sorry I'm late on
this, I read it five times.
That thing with the
dinosaur and the girl,
so beautiful.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- Oh Peter, Peter, Peter,
it's just fabulous to have you,
well it's not that good,
but it is awfully nice
to have you here on the show.
- Well actually I wasn't gonna
come back on the show again.
- Oh, that'd been terrible.
- But the producer made
me a very attractive offer.
- Oh, whatever could it be?
- See you'll have to excuse me,
she's waiting backstage
for me right now.
(audience laughing)
- It's like acid into the skin.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- I never met a
man I didn't like.
Come to think of it,
only a few I didn't love.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat, jazzy music)
- We are anxiously
awaiting your reply,
sincerely yours,
et cetera, et cetera.
Would you read that
back to me, Mrs. Seaman.
(mimicking typewriter
keys clicking)
(audience laughing)
(crowd cheering)
(horn honking)
- Right on, brother.
- Gee, thanks.
(audience laughing)
(hammer knocking)
(swishing)
- Well, did you
like the quickies?
- Hm.
Well, I missed 'em, you know.
I'm too busy.
- You still into that
crossword puzzle, huh?
- Yeah, could you give me
a nine-letter word meaning
one who is totally,
unknowingly really dumb?
- Totally, unknowingly really,
how bout ignoramus?
- Ahhh, let's see.
- Ignoramus, you
should know that word.
- Ah, well actually I'm
writing to my congressman.
Ignoramonous,
respectfully, Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
- Father, I cannot tell a lie,
I chopped down the cherry tree.
- George.
- Yes.
- I cannot tell a lie.
- Okay.
- I am not your father.
- You're jesting.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of George Washington,
- George Washington was the
only president who campaigned
without knocking the
previous administration.
- Do you know George
Washington never told a lie,
and still got elected president.
- Kids, if George
Washington was so honest,
how come they close
the banks on his birthday?
(audience laughing)
- Little did George Washington
realize that someday
his face would be
on the 73 cent bill.
- You know the phrase,
Washington slept here?
I can think of a dozen current
issues where that's true.
- George Washington
and Richard Nixon have
something in common.
They both have vice
presidents who are experts in
18th century political thinking.
- If pollution had been as
bad in 1776 as it is today,
George Washington
would have rolled
the dollar across the Delaware.
- You know Dick,
this is the time of year
we all remember
George Washington.
- Who?
- In his farewell address,
Washington warned against
foreign entanglements,
so out of respect
maybe we should
end the Vietnam war
before it turns into
an entanglement.
(audience laughing)
- [Group] Happy
Birthday, George.
(tires squealing)
(engine roaring)
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
Ford, with the better idea cars
for 1971, including the
new little carefree car, Pinto.
(whimsical music)
- Well Dick, it's time
to say good night.
- But I'm not sleepy,
it's only, nine o'clock.
- You don't have to go to
bed, just say good night.
- Will you tuck me in
with milk and quickies?
- That's cookies.
- Oh, them too.
Can you tell me
a story (laughing).
- I don't know any stories.
- Well, I do.
Once upon a time my
Aunt Bertha was trapped
for one week in the
Department of Justice with
J. Edgar Hoover, John
Mitchell, and Henry Kissinger.
And when she
came out, she said...
- Boy you really snuck
up on me that time.
- Right, huh, and then she said,
"Man those conservatives
know how to treat a girl right."
- Is that what she said?
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night, Aunt Bertha,
and now you know why
they call it the grand old party.
- Good night everybody.
- We must learn
to love all people,
even though some are inferior.
- Hey Dan, I'll tell ya what's
wrong with this country,
there are too many people
telling us what's wrong with
this country, that's what's
wrong with this country.
- My psychiatrist told
me that I suffer from
a low level of comprehension.
- Oh really, what
does that mean?
- Oh you've got it too.
- What's that?
- [Barbara] Oh, that's the
way the cookie crumbles.
(audience laughing)
- I don't find that too amusing.
- Hey, do you know who
has the most successful
sex operation in history?
- Who?
- Hugh Hefner.
(audience laughing)
- Say kids, do you know how
to make it big in Hollywood?
- [Man] No.
- Marry Kate Smith.
- Hey, I know a college
professor who was
fired for political reasons.
- No, what did he do?
- He got caught with
the governor's wife.
- Ohh.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Venom.
- Venom who?
- Venom calling you.
(audience laughing)
- Do you know who
stands in the middle
of a blazing building?
- No (laughing), who?
- Smoky the jerk.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dick.
- [Dick] Ah-huh, hey.
- You know they're building
a closed stadium in Harlem,
just like the one in Houston,
only they're calling
it the Afrodome.
(audience laughing)
- The pizza was invented
in 1423 when a baker named
Angelo Singelli
accidentally sat -
This is so snakey.
On some lasagna.
And Johnson's back in town.
- What do you get if you
cross an elephant with a flea?
- I don't know.
- I don't either, but if one
lands on my dog he's a goner.
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(upbeat, funky music)
- Yeah, taxi!
(high-pitched tones)
(woman laughing)
(woman gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Some people'll do
anything for a laugh.
(audience laughing)
- Do you sell Newsweek?
(audience laughing)
- Boring.
- Oh, hey, big boy,
how'd you like to be
cuddled up close to me, huh?
- No thanks, I'm
allergic to rubber.
(audience laughing)
- Tonight's program was
pre-recorded in order to allow
the NBC censors time
to eliminate those parts
that they consider distasteful.
Unfortunately, they
misplaced their crayons.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. President, if I got
married, here's what I'd do.
I'd get something
borrowed, something blue,
something old and
something I knew.
(audience laughing)
- Well I guess the
show's over with.
But, I don't have
to be good no more,
'cause I'm goin' to bed anyhow.
But I don't have to go
to bed if I don't want too.
And next week, I'm
gonna sing and dance,
and play the kazoo
and drink beer.
But don't you tell daddy,
'cause he don't like
me to play kazoo.
(audience laughing)
(blowing kazoo)
That was Beethoven's 5th.
- Kids, this is your pal
George Raft telling you,
do what your mommy
says and you won't get hurt.
(audience laughing)
- He looks to me like a guy who
would wear bronze shoes, ew.
(singular clapping)