Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 25 - Episode #4.25 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- You know what?
Two weeks ago I hired the most
fantastic secretary
I've ever had.
- How fast can she type?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Welcome to our one cent sale.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Carson.
I'm looking for a
man, about 5'10".
165 pounds.
With blue eyes, and brown hair.
- Gee, I haven't
seen anyone like that.
- Oh, wait a minute.
How tall are you?
- 4'2".
(audience laughs)
- Well how much do you weigh?
- 270 pounds.
- Close enough you
short, fat, beauty.
(audience laughs)
- Golly gosh, I could
hear that one again.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal.
I hear you're Liberal.
How about a kiss?
(audience laughs)
- Tell Mr. Buckley I've just
become a Conservative.
(audience laughs)
- Who asked you?
- Here's the way I look at it.
(audience laughs)
- A viewer has inquired how I
determine if
something is tasteful.
A very good question.
But tasteless.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the National Bull Company,
lowers it's horns,
and also it's standards
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the calf
eyed Dan Rowan.
And the completely
cowed Dick Martin.
And, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
Lily Tomlin.
And, Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown.
Anne Elder.
And the capering corns
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for you who suffer
from acid indigestion.
Stop eating acid.
- You just can't
get dishes cleaner
than with liquor
liquid liv... (stammers)
Oh I'm sorry.
- Okay.
That makes eight takes Mary Lou.
You've made me so nervous I need
a nervous... (stammers)
- [Director] Cut!
(audience laughs)
Alright let's break for lunch.
Boy I could go for a nice
cold glass of Schultz's...
I mean... (stammers)
- [Director] Cut!
Mama mia that's
some lousy commercial.
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971.
Including the new,
little carefree car, Pinto.
(energetic pop music)
- Hi big boy.
And they call me cheap.
(audience laughs)
(engine rumbling)
(metal clacking)
(engine puttering)
(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)
(bomb explodes)
(audience laughs)
- Now for a death defying stunt.
My assistant will
place a lighted
cigarette in her
mouth, and inhale.
(audience laughs)
- Now ladies and gentlemen.
Here on our very stage, we bring
you those two sons of fun.
Those masters of mirth.
The clown princes of comedy.
Julius and Abby Hoffman.
Lets really hear it out there.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Tonight ladies and gentlemen
we have a show
that I think you're...
- Hey.
I am very sorry I'm late, but I
had to go back for
my lucky rabbit's foot.
- What took you so long?
- Getting away
from the lucky rabbit.
He didn't wanna part with it.
Was he superstitious?
- Oh he's superstitious, huh?
Aren't you?
- Certainly not, being
superstitious is very bad luck.
Knock wood.
(wood clatters)
(audience laughs)
- I thought you
weren't superstitious.
- I'm not there are just a few
things I'm mighty careful about.
- Oh really?
- Like, I never walk
under a falling safe.
- That's bad luck.
- Also, bad luck to
whistle at a sailor on a bus.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- If you ever did that, you'd
get punched right in the nose.
- See that's bad luck.
- Yeah that's bad luck.
No question about that, you got
any other superstitions?
- Well yes
whenever I spill salt,
I spin around three
times and sing Sweet Sue.
- I never heard of that.
- Oh sure you have, you know...
Every little breeze
seems to whisper
- Wait, wait a minute.
That's not Sweet
Sue, that's Louise.
- No wonder things
have been going bad.
(audience laughs)
- You know actually
I'm not surprised
to hear that you're
superstitious.
I would imagine that
the most superstitious
people in the world
are probably performers.
- Well I know, for instance...
I, for instance, will
never, ever recite
Shakespeare in a dressing room.
- Why not?
- Because I don't
know any Shakespeare.
- Well these are very
silly things, you know.
They don't mean a thing.
The horseshoe
and the rabbit's foot.
- I happen to know
an old Calypso curse.
- An old Calypso curse?
- That befalls
anyone, anyone who
goes out in the full moon
without doing a henway.
- What's a henway?
- Oh they average
about 3.5 pounds.
(audience laughs)
That's not counting
the feathers.
I got you good.
- Well before my luck
gets as bad as these jokes,
let's get to the quickies.
- Well whatever you say.
- What are you doing?
- What does it
look like I'm doing?
- Hey!
Now that's bad luck.
- Oh, you're right, here.
(audience laughs)
(water splashes)
- And not only that,
your brolly leaks.
(audience laughs)
- Well I thank you to
leave me brolly out.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- You had a visitor
while you were asleep
but I sent her away.
- But why?
- I thought you were dead.
(groans)
(gun squeaking)
(melodic disco music)
- Well I think I
can tell you why
you're having trouble
making friends, Mr. Allan.
Basically, you're
a non-conformist.
You know what I mean,
you go against the grain.
(audience laughs)
(feet tapping)
(discordant beeps)
(scatting)
(drum rim shot)
- Come on Harry, it's over here.
- I'm Tommy.
- Come on, make
a wish would you,
are you gonna make one or not?
Just make a wish.
- Will you stop nagging me,
you're always nagging me.
Nagging me.
Nagging me, I can't
stand it anymore.
- Just make a wish
Harry, come on.
- Stop nagging me.
- Oh shut-up and make a wish.
(water splashes)
- Oh I'll make a wish.
(water splashes)
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(rapid discordant beeping)
(squeaking)
(audience laughs)
(gunshots fire)
(melodic disco music)
I'm Putting on my top hat
- Sorry old timer, but
you've got to leave.
The law says you
can't stay here anymore.
- But what'll I do
on the outside?
This is my life.
I don't know anything else.
- Sorry Warden,
the law says you've
got to retire after 65.
(audience laughs)
(melodic disco music)
- Oh doctor I...
I seem to have the classic
symptoms of schizophrenia.
I've got a split personality.
- [Both] Well, I think
maybe we can help you.
(audience laughs)
(alarm blares)
- Excuse me nurse, where
can I find Dr. Funman?
- You're gonna have to walk all
the way over to the
other side of the hospital.
- Oh well can I
have a wheelchair?
- Oh sure.
(screams)
- My nose, I just had it done.
- Oh get in here.
(audience laughs)
(patient groans)
Goodness you're clumsy.
Get in there.
(squeaking)
(audience laughs)
(police siren blares)
- Well let me ask you something.
Now we've just
seen the quickies.
What did you think?
- I give up.
Now let me ask you one.
Which came first,
the egg and a half,
or the chicken and a half?
- The egg and a half, right?
- Wrong.
- Wrong.
- Now.
If a chicken and
a half lays an egg
and a half in a day and a half,
how many days does
it take to lay 12 eggs?
- 12 days.
(laughs)
- Wrong.
- Wrong.
- Now, why did the
chicken and a half
cross the road and a half?
- Oh come on.
This is getting ridic...
There's no such thing
as a half a chicken.
- There is now, he only made
it halfway across the road.
- What's that got to
do with the quickies?
- I'll drink.
(audience laughs)
A wet worm was found
In a piece of old bread
I put it under the pillow
So it would crawl on my head
- Candy little girl?
- Oh I'm not supposed to
accept candy from strangers.
- Well... How bout a drink?
(audience laughs)
(spring recoils)
- Here's the little lady whose
done more to close
the generation gap,
than even Georgie Jessel.
Laugh-In's own, Edith Anne.
- I had a...
Today I had a horrible headache.
And my mama gave me
some little Aspirin pills.
And now I won't have a headache
for at least two more days,
because she gave
me the ones marked
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
(audience laughs)
And that's the truth.
(lively orchestral music)
- And now we take a short hop
to the glamour
capital of the world.
Hollywood.
(metal spring recoils)
- Oh at last, my big comeback.
Oh I'm so excited to be reunited
with my handsome leading
man, Ramone Armstrong.
Oh I haven't seen him
since our last film together.
- You look so
beautiful Ms. Blossom.
I just love your eye shadow.
(shouts)
- I'm not wearing
any eye shadow.
(audience laughs) (groans)
- [Cecil] Fern.
- Yes, what is it young man?
- Sweetheart.
- What?
- I really don't think you
can do this love scene.
Why don't we cut it?
- Oh what do you mean?
I'm raring to go.
But my only request
is, right before
the cameras start rolling,
someone give me a little push.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
You're going to
faint into his arms.
- Oh marvelous.
- He's gonna pick you up,
fling you over his shoulder.
- Wonderful.
- And then he's gonna
throw you on this bed.
- Oh it'll be divine!
- And all this is to be
done bare chested.
- Oh Ramone has
a gorgeous chest.
- I'm talking about your chest.
- Oh I don't mind.
Just keep those sex starved
stage hands away from me.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Ramone
Armstrong has arrived.
- Oh!
Ramone!
- Laverne.
- Ramone!
- Laverne.
- Oh Ramone!
(lips smacking)
- Excuse me that's Ramone.
- Oh Ramone?
- Sir, this is Laverne here.
- Ramone?
- Laverne?
- Ramone!
(groans)
- Laverne?
(air whistling)
Addy, Maxine?
(air whistling)
- Cut the faint scene.
Cut the fling and throw scene.
- While you're at it, cut
the bare chest scene.
(audience laughs)
- Cut the love scene.
- Well, what are we going to do?
- Oh well, you'll just
have to find someone else.
Oh, wait!
I know, that handsome
young juvenile
that I used to work with.
Cecil, call Walter Brennon.
(audience laughs)
(Laverne moans)
- [Ramone] Laverne?
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(audience applause)
(lively orchestral music)
(gunshots fire)
(audience laughs)
(balloon pops)
(audience laughs)
(engine rumbles)
(engine rumbles)
(audience laughs)
(lively orchestral music)
- It's time for
me to think about
storing away some
nuts, which brings
us to General Bull Right.
(lively orchestral
music) (audience laughs)
- Okay America,
General Bull Right here.
Now tonight's sermon...
I mean message.
(audience laughs)
Is being brought to you at the
request of Martha Mitchell,
Washington's
answer to Jane Fonda.
Tonight I'm gonna talk
about educational TV.
We gotta upgrade it.
So the army's sponsoring
it's own new kiddie show.
We're gonna call
it Company Street.
Starring Captain Kangaroo
and Corporal Green Jeans.
What better way to teach a kid
to count than hup,
two, three, four.
(audience laughs)
And the alphabet, A
for army, B for barracks.
And C for charge!
We gotta teach these
kids the important
things in life,
reading, writing,
and keeping your weapon clean.
We're even going to have
animal characters on the show.
My personal
favorite is a full bird,
a six foot hawk,
two right wings.
When he squawks you listen.
(audience laughs)
Well, that's it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
And be sure to read my new book.
The Sensuous Sergeant.
You'll get a new whole
new outlook on military life.
(melodic orchestral music)
(whistle blows)
Is it off?
(audience laughs)
(lively disco music)
(engine puttering)
(melodic orchestral music)
(engine puttering)
(people squeaking)
(tape measure scraping)
(tape measure scraping)
(tape measure clatters)
(audience laughs)
(balloon pops)
(audience laughs)
(Velcro scrapes)
(audience laughs)
- And Spiro Agnew
said yesterday,
"There is no truth to the rumor
"that I'll be running
for President in 1972.
"Actually I'm afraid to
throw my hat into the ring,
"because with my luck,
"I'll probably hit someone."
(audience laughs)
- On being a grapney.
In youth the man
is paled with foil.
As he grows older his
scripply starts growing.
The use of the
scripply is discretionary.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
(melodic country music)
(melodic vocalizing)
All you see are cattle
When you're
sitting in the saddle
On the prairie Yippie-I-Oh
Talking to a donkey
While the ground
is kind of soggy
On the prairie Opie-Ki-I
When you're on the trail
You never hear the news
You're riding on the
ranger In the calibus
When you're busy
lassoing You're old kayu
You can't hear that
(melodic vocalizing)
Cow pokes Cow hands
Cowboys Cowgirls
Cactus Coyotes
Laugh-In looks at the news
(melodic vocalizing)
(cowboy howling)
(audience laughs)
(howling)
(howling)
- Here's Dick and Dan.
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News,
with our foreign
reporter at the fair,
nudist expert looking bare,
war correspondent over there.
Nice in expert underwear.
Mayor Yontie everywhere.
Old McDonald
had a farm E-I-E-I-O
- And I'm Dan Rowan for Dick.
- And Dick Paddlin' for Dan.
- News of the future,
Detroit, a year from now.
In spite of the
President's injunction
against automotive
workers strikes,
Detroit labor unions accepted
the decision gracefully.
And today, 5,000 cars rolled off
the assembly line, and
they all rolled off sideways.
(audience laughs)
- Saigon.
Following the announcement
by General Creighton Abrams,
that the United States
will pay one cent
for each marijuana plant
the south Vietnamese
destroy, south
Vietnamese farmers
immediately set about to
increase their crop yield.
(audience laughs)
- News of the future,
Washington D.C.,
two years from now.
While leaving his office today,
Ralph Nader suffered
a broken ankle
when his left leg gave
out from under him.
He immediately
launched a suit, against
his mother, and father
charging faulty production.
(audience laughs)
- And now for this
fast breaking item.
(glass shatters)
(audience laughs)
- Hi film fans.
(laughs)
This is Bizzi Buzzie,
buzzing around
those Beverly
heels, where I just
sneaked a peek at a
backstage situation,
that's just too, too
typical of Tinseltown.
(laughs)
- If I want a part
in your picture
I have to make love to you?
I wouldn't make love to you if
you were the last man on Earth.
You dirty old man.
(slap thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Boy, Harry will
never recover from that.
- Oh listen it happens
all the time in Hollywood.
- Yeah, but that's his wife.
- Hi, Big Al here.
The bells are ringing
For me and my pal
(laughs)
- Listen I'm going to
interview Vince Vonce,
the new basketball center
for the Cleveland Amories.
Vince, the first question
I'd like to ask you...
Vince?
Vince?
Vince, you're awfully
short for a basketball player.
I mean do you find
that a handicap?
- What do you mean short?
- Well look sugar,
you're a good three
feet shorter than
anyone else in basketball.
- Come to think of
it, you may be right.
You know my eyesight's
so bad I hardly noticed.
(audience laughs)
- You mean you
don't see too well?
(laughs) (audience laughs)
You have trouble hearing too?
- No, but I have a
little trouble hearing.
Excuse me.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(glass shatters)
Two points.
- Two points?
Vince, that didn't even
come close to the basket.
(coughs)
- Hold it a sec.
I gotta catch my breath.
- You mean you're out of breath
from taking one shot,
did you hear that?
- Huh?
- Well thank you.
- Huh?
- Thank you and
good luck Vince Vonce.
Well sports fan this
is Big Al reminding
you that next
week, I'll be coming
to you from the Fire
Island Drag Races.
Va room, va room.
Ta-ta!
(lips smacking)
Oh shut-up you little squirt.
(audience laughs)
- Tonight's editorial
will be delivered
by General Bull Right.
- I believe the new
draft lottery system's
a vast improvement
over the previous system,
under the lottery methods.
Draftees are selected
fairly, impartially,
and without discrimination.
- We recognize our obligation to
give equal time to responsible
spokesman with opposing views.
- I'd like to say a few words
against the lottery system.
- You mean you don't
think it's an improvement?
- No, I think only half that.
The lottery system discriminates
against a large
segment of our society.
- Well whom does it
discriminate against?
- Lucky people.
If you win at this, you lose.
(audience laughs)
The way this works,
you're penalized
for coming in first and rewarded
for coming in last.
(audience laughs)
I suggest that the
system be reversed
so that we can put some
more losers into the army.
Thank you.
- Just another
man out of his mind,
and what's worse,
I understand him.
(gagging)
(audience laughs)
- Di-Da.
(war whoops)
Cowpokes Cow hands
Cowboys Cowgirls Cactus
Coyotes Laugh-In
looked at the news
(audience applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel"
by Anthony Newley)
(discordant ambient notes)
- And now,
another episode
of the Farkel Family.
Entitled the Losing
of the Found Farkel.
We join them as
we hear father Farkel
say to his dear Fanny...
- What's the score?
- What's the score Frank?
- The score is five to four.
- Five to four, good
heavens, time to eat.
- Frank never did
know the score.
- We'll be back.
- But first folks,
when it's time
to eat at your
house, there's one
thing you should
have at the table, me.
I'm starving.
Meanwhile here's
something to sink
your teeth into.
- But seriously folks.
- Excuse me, Mr. Ritzor.
I understand that
you're a very good friend
of a big singer.
Could you possibly
introduced me to Mr. Al Martino?
- Who?
- Al Martino.
- Who's that?
- Wasn't your name
Razuto before you got fat?
- No.
(audience laughs)
- Gadzooks and
sounds did I describe.
Fulminous sounds,
there to betaked
my addled senses, are cheeky.
Sly, be gobble,
sneaky station break.
(air whistles) (coughs)
Maybe it was something I ate.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- And now!
We join the Farkel's again.
Just as it seems time to eat.
- [French Fry] Frank!
- Over here my lad.
- Franks!
French fries.
- Hey!
- Father Farkel, that
face looks familiar.
- This could be the young Farkel
we lost at the ball
park years ago.
- Is it obvious my dear, Frank?
- Obvious my dear, Fanny?
Imagine, my dear Fanny, obvious.
- Is Frank's dear Fanny obvious?
- But before we put out
Franks', Fanny's burning
question, ask
yourself this question.
- Why am I asking
myself questions
when I should be watching
what's coming up next?
- Rod, as a distinguished
man of letters,
noted author, and
gifted playwright,
how do you feel
about the metaphysical
aspects of
Shakespeare's King Lear?
- I think they're real neat.
(audience laughs)
- I haven't seen
a mistake like that
since the night I went
bowling with Raquel Welch.
- Hey, Ms. Longette.
I just love your accent.
- Well then you
would love France.
Have you ever been to gay Paris?
- No but I've been
to Fire Island.
(audience laughs)
And I didn't enjoy that.
(audience laughs)
- That was beautiful.
- Listen, most of you
with good memories,
and ones who don't
have a good view on...
I'm painting With
years And lines
- Hi there.
Here we go, go right ahead
with what you were doing.
- Yes.
- It's alright.
(melodic vocalizing)
- Hold it right there.
- We use...
- Hold it right
there, that's it.
That classic profile.
The interplay of the
light and the shadow.
- Oh for heavens sake don't tell
me that you're going
to paint my portrait.
- Good idea, I'll
let it be a surprise.
(laughs)
- I'm already surprised.
I didn't know you
were interested in art.
- You bet your
sweet Picasso I am.
And why not, pray
tell, am I not directly
descended from the
great Renaissance
painter, Leonardo Di Funman?
- Leonardo Di Funman?
- See you've heard of him.
The man who painted the
Sistine Chapel on his back.
- That was Michelangelo.
- He painted
Michelangelo on his back?
- No, no.
Michelangelo painted the
Sistine Chapel on his back.
- Oh that's nothing,
Uncle Leonardo
painted the Sinking of
the Titanic on his chest.
And it was in watercolor.
(laughs)
- Oh beautiful.
Hey I always wondered.
I saw you do that.
Why do artists do that?
Is that to give you
perspective or a different angle?
- No it's actually to get
my thumb in the picture.
(audience laughs)
- Most artists I know exhibit.
Have you ever shown
anything in public?
(audience laughs)
Put it to you this way.
(laughs)
- Well actually once I did.
The day I split my
pants in the Guggenheim.
- Oh my word, sounds painful.
Before you split anything else,
can we see what you've got?
- Oh.
You should've seen
it at the Guggenheim.
- No can we see this portrait?
- Oh sure, sure, sure.
(humming)
How's that?
- Dick, that's not me.
- Well of course
not, it's Bernice.
Why would I want to
paint a nude picture of you?
(audience laughs)
- Come on Rembrandt,
lets go to the party.
(energetic disco music)
- Hey tall, dark, and handsome.
What's the situation
like for Negro
performers on TV these days?
- Things are looking
blacker every day.
- Oh that's bad.
- No that's good.
(squeals) (energetic
disco music)
(audience laughs)
- Dan, Dan.
Hey Dan, you know
what the President said?
Well he said that in 1972, we'll
all be living in a country
with full employment,
and expanding economy.
- Great.
I wonder which country
he's talking about.
- One with expanding economy.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- They say there's no
business like show business,
and that's very true.
I went to my agent
last week, and he said,
"You have no business
in show business."
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Ta, boom, boom, boom.
(audience laughs) (laughs)
Hard as a rock.
Listen wide, dark, and handsome.
Can you see Ronald
Regan as President?
- No, all I've seen him
on is Death Valley Days.
- Close enough.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Last night I was sent
over to stop a fight at a bar.
I walked in, and just like
that, everything got quiet.
As a matter of
fact, I didn't come
to until the next morning.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I thought they said they were
all going to a cocktail party.
(energetic disco music)
- The Arabs and
the Israelis agreed
the Middle East is
the Promised Land.
They just can't agree
on who it's promised to.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I have just completed
an experiment
with rats, to see how long
it takes to get out of a maze.
It took three entire days.
Of course, if the rats
had waited for me,
I might have made it sooner.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I was arrested
last night for loitering.
I told the cop I
was only waiting
for someone to pick me up.
I just didn't know who.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Hey lets go over to
your place and fool around.
- Oh I couldn't do that.
I'm a married woman.
- Well in that case,
lets go to my place.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Boomer here.
I thought my game
went a little smooth today,
until I found out
some practical joker
shaved the fuzz off my ball.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(laughs)
- Oh Mr. Benny Boom
Boom Boom Boom Boom.
(laughs)
Now down here.
(laughs)
Stretch your coffee break.
Listen I wanted...
- Hey.
Lola.
You know I'd love
to have you open
up my special
Wednesday night on NBC.
- Oh marvelous, is that
because I look so sexy?
- No it's because you
look like a peacock.
(audience laughs)
- And now!
While last we left the
Farkel's by the bleachers.
The last Farkel
left had last asked
if Frank said he was obvious.
So, let's pick him up.
By the bleachers,
as Frank says...
- This boy could be the
Farkel who was missing.
- Missing, my dear Fanny,
imagine my dear Fanny, missing.
- Missing.
- Who are you my lad?
- I don't know who I
am, or where I live.
They call me, French Fry.
- Frank Farkel here, French Fry.
My dear Fanny, French Fry.
Phyllis, Francie, French
Fry, Simon and Garfarkel.
Artie Farkel,
French Fry, Smartie.
French Fry, Artie, and
Smartie Farkel, and her.
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkel.
Where do you live French Fry?
- In the ballpark.
I live on franks.
It's okay during the
summer, but in the winter,
the buns get mighty cold.
But I did live in a house once.
I had a couch,
and a mantelpiece,
and people with red hair.
(ominous bells dinging)
- Well... What's
going to happen next?
- The Gay Liberation
political party
elected an entire City Council.
Yesterday's vote
went 9-4, six against.
And three pouting.
- Gee, Mr. Wayne,
would you consider
running for the Presidency?
- Nah.
But if the country ever needs a
straight shooting Sheriff,
I'm your man, mister.
- Do you really sleep
with a night light?
- Remember if George
Washington were alive today,
he'd be famous for old age.
- Mr. Vidal, I don't know
much about politics,
but I think Mr. Agnew
is just wonderful.
- You're half right, you don't
know much about politics.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(glass shatters)
(lively organ music)
(audience cheers and applauds)
(energetic orchestral music)
(gunshot fires) (glass shatters)
(audience laughs)
- Roger, how does a
3,000 pound guitar sound?
- Oh something like this.
Twang (audience laughs)
- I think I would
understand that joke,
if only someone would
translate it into English.
(drum roll)
- Mr. Carson.
On your show, you do
a lot of tasteless jokes
about Ed McMahon,
and his drinking.
Does he occasionally
have too much?
- Well, Ed does occasionally
have a little now and then.
But he knows when to stop.
Usually it's right after
he starts to giggle,
and set fire to his clothes.
(audience laughs)
- Pauline Rhetoric
here, in Alpine County.
For an interview
with Mr. Bruce Lance.
The candidate for
the President on
the Gay Liberation ticket.
Mr. Lance, may I ask
you a few questions?
Now can you tell us
something about your platform?
- I'd just love to.
My platform is as all
American as Old Glory,
mom, and mince pie.
(laughs)
- That's just grand.
But tell us, as a Gay
Liberation candidate,
what changes would you
make in our government?
- Well, first I'd change
the National Anthem,
to God Save the Queen.
(audience laughs)
- Any other changes?
- Well I'd cut the
budgets, and the
tax payers will be
saving a fortune,
'cause they won't be
supporting a President
and a First Lady.
I can swing both jobs myself.
- I've heard that about you.
That should save
a few dollars sir,
but just one more question.
Are you wearing that mask
to protect your identity?
- Oh heavens no, it's
these hot old lights.
I'm wearing it to
protect my mascara.
(audience laughs)
- Come on Bruce,
lets you and I go
down to the Bull and Booth.
- Heaven...
(Bruce muffled by
orchestral music)
- Sounds like they're gonna
have a little drinky poo.
That would be terrific.
(ascendant melodic notes)
- Once again it's
time to visit those
folks who live in the big
white house on the hill.
(audience laughs)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- Hello sweetheart,
how did it go today?
- Oh pretty good.
I signed another one
of Stromm's bills today.
- Oh?
- Sure wish he'd buy
his own lunch someday.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Speaking of lunch,
what's for supper?
- It's a secret.
- A secret?
Good, I'll invite J. Edgar
over, it's his favorite dish.
(phone rings)
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh we were just talking
about you, J. Edgar.
(laughs)
Oh you know?
(audience laughs)
And you can make it?
Well maybe some other time.
Goodbye.
- Why can't he come?
- Well he's working
on a new project,
and he doesn't wanna leave
until he gets all the bugs in.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- Speaking of J. Edgar Hoover,
tonight Laugh-In
salutes the FBI.
That vigilant
organization, so capably
led, by that ageless,
and fearless leader,
Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
(audience laughs)
Here's to the graduating class
Here's to the training school
Here's to the fun
The badge The gun
The playing by the rule
Now we should
leave the ivy halls
Ready to do or die Give
me an F Give me a B
Give me an I I-I-I Give
me an F Give me a B
Give me an FBI
Learning to tap the telephone
Learning to pug a dube
Learning to pug the guilty thug
And lead him to his doom
Now we should
help the poor police
Even the private
eye Give me an F
Give me a B Give me an FBI
The Federal Bureau
of Investigation
Is a group that
no one can resist
If you should ever
have An altercation
Call on Mr. Efrem
Zimbalist Junior
Learning to check
the fingerprints
Learning to face the
call Checking the wife
The guns The knife
The bullet in the wall
Helping to find the proper clue
Give it the college
try Start with an F
Start with a B
Start with an I-I-I
Give me an F Give
me a B Give me an FBI
(audience applause)
(melodic orchestral music)
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we've just been told
that J. Edgar Hoover
retired, one half hour ago.
But he'll be back at his
desk, first thing in the morning.
(audience laughs)
- I have my own list of
the 10 most wanted men.
It starts with Frank Sinatra.
(audience laughs)
- The FBI is so top
secret, that sometimes
one agent won't tell
another agent what's up.
(audience laughs)
- I'm Agent John McRay, FBI.
- I'm Agent Joe Hamilton.
- How are you?
- Why do you ask?
- None of your business.
- You know what I
don't like about you?
- I'm listening.
- Right.
- What do you know?
- More than you.
- Oh yeah?
If you're so smart,
what time does
the revolution in
South America start?
- Four o'clock, Tuesday.
- Wrong.
It's Wednesday at eight.
- Thank you.
(melodic orchestral
music) (audience laughs)
- Tuesday at four o'clock.
(audience laughs)
- The FBI investigates
such crimes
as tax evasion,
treason, and fraud.
Why now they're
even investigating
why the FBI show isn't
number one in the ratings.
I suggest you start watching it.
(audience laughs)
- Wow, what a
great set of prints.
(audience laughs)
- I don't believe
that just because
the Director of the
FBI is named Hoover,
that there's been a vacuum
in that department for years.
(audience laughs)
Love J. Edgar Hoover He's
A really right on boss
But heaven help the person
Who would ever make him cross
We promise not
to smoke the grass
Or even hit the sauce
We love J. Edgar
Hoover He's our very
Heavy boss
(audience applause)
- FBI.
- CIA.
E-I-E-I-O (audience laughs)
- Psst, psst!
- Yes sir?
- You've got to help me,
I think I'm being followed.
- Well, what's your
name and address?
- David Bigamont,
162 Park Avenue.
- You're right.
(audience laughs)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- So knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Hoover.
- Hoover who?
- Whoever heard of a
76 year old policeman?
(audience laughs)
- If it weren't for
the FBI, who would
watch over the CIA, as they keep
on an eye on the Secret Service,
which guards the
President, who must
oversee what the
FBI is watching?
- Well at least it's
all out in the open.
(audience laughs)
(gunshot fires) (groans)
(audience laughs)
Here's to the hidden microfilm
Here's to the guilty poke
Here's to the kind
who hide behind
The dagger and the cloak
Here's to a special way of life
Here's to a special
guy Give me an F
Give me a B Give me
an I-I-I Give me an F
Give me a B Give
me a D Give me an E
Give me an R Give
me an A Give me an L
Oh well Give me
a great Big F B I
(audience applause)
- And now another thought
from Bartlett's familiar pairs.
Remember when sex was
dirty, and the air was clean?
- Show business is
getting very bizarre.
Some of these
weird sex films are
so sickening they oughta
change the X rating to RX.
No one admitted
without a doctor.
- You know I'm glad my special's
going to be on NBC.
CBS offered me
one, but they wanted
to call it Storefront Tight Wad.
(audience laughs)
I didn't like that.
- And now you may
remember that French Fry,
who might be the missing Farkel,
has described his
early recollection
of a house, identical to
that of the Farkel family.
- Don't forgo
failing to find out
in a forthcoming
flash, Farkel fans.
- At this fateful
phase, we may find
a Farkel in French Fry,
hark, who can that be?
(doorbell rings)
- Hi.
I'm French Fry, in whom
you may find a Farkel.
Remember me?
- No, can't say I do.
- But I remember this house.
The couch, the mantelpiece.
People with red hair.
Everything.
I'm found.
Just one thing, are we
in Fliggel Falls, Flordia?
- [Farkels] No.
- Franks, french fries.
- Fliggel Falls, I
remember it well.
- And now!
Don't fail to refrain from
watching our next episode.
When we'll hear Ferdburfel
say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine looking Farkel
you almost found there, Frank.
(audience laughs)
(energetic orchestral music)
(shouting)
(glass shatters)
(laughs)
- Hey Linus.
(slurring)
This is not what I had in mind,
when they say you
should take up a hobby.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's better than some.
Oh pour my shame
in my... (slurring)
I'll be home.
Take... (laughs)
Was that an opinion
or just a comment?
(laughs)
- You'll never know.
(laughs)
- I saw a good name for the kid.
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
- Right there, one moment.
(knock on door)
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
I hear ya, I hear ya.
What are you, a woodpecker?
(audience laughs)
Oh.
Ms. Armfie, my
delicate little amaryllis.
How delightful of you to
grace my humble abode.
(laughs)
- None of your
sweet talk, Tyrone.
You know I'm here strictly
on a business relationship.
- Oh yes, my dear, and my
heart swells with anticipation.
(laughs)
Having you, and
knowing that you have
accepted my offer of employment.
- Look Tyrone, I only
offered to come here
and clean your house, because I
really needed the extra cash.
Now where do I start?
- Ms. Armfie, it's
not my intention
that you overwork
yourself, my pet.
If you feel the need
to... (stammers)
You can go in the bedroom
and lie down awhile.
(gasps) (audience laughs)
Well now, mayhap
you would prefer to
lie down out here on the couch.
(gasps)
(bag thuds)
(audience laughs)
Do you mind if I lie down on the
floor while you think about it?
(audience laughs)
(audience applause)
- Johnny, guess what?
I just got a great job working
for the National Conference
of Christians and Jews.
- Well what's so
good about that?
- 240 holidays a year!
(audience laughs)
(melodic piano music)
There came A little to the wall
Oh and on a summer's
day He sniffed once
He sniffed twice
And then he ran away
There Came a bee to the flower
Oh and on a summer's
day He sniffed it once
He sniffed it twice
And then he flew away
And there came unto the May
Oh and on a summer's
day He kissed it once
He kissed it twice
And then he Away
(giggles)
- Ain't it funny?
(giggles)
But it's true.
(audience laughs)
- Time now for a
little ringy-dingy.
Here's Ernestine.
(audience laughs)
(rotary dial clicks)
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingies.
A gracious good afternoon.
This is Ms. Tomlin from
the telephone company.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
(audience laughs)
Dr. Reuben?
Dr. David Reuben?
Infamous author, of
What You've Always
Wanted to Know About
S-e-x, But Were Afraid to Ask?
(audience laughs)
Good.
Dr. Reuben, we at
Ma Bell wanna know
how you're using
the equipment, and
we are not afraid to ask.
(audience laughs)
We understand that
arrangements for romantic
rendezvous are being
made on this line.
Oh official business,
my headset.
Now you listen to
me, Dr. Reuben.
You are making a gross
misuse of the equipment.
I am referring to your
telephone Dr. Reuben.
Yes, Dr. Reuben.
I am not a prude.
I am not a prude.
I am a high school graduate.
But using Ma Bell
to set up all this
hanky-panky, well it must stop.
Pardon me, what is that?
You're doing research to
compile facts and figures?
Facts and figures.
The fact is, you're only
interested in the figures.
You animal.
I know all about
people like you.
Yes, I do, I know your kind.
I majored in animal husbandry.
(audience laughs)
What, pardon?
What is that?
Well no.
No, no one actually
ever has described
my voice as seductive.
(snorts)
Well, around the office however,
I am known as the sensuous
service representative.
(snorts) (audience laughs)
Oh, Dr. Reuben.
Tomorrow?
Well I suppose research
on your second volume.
I could lend myself in
the interest of science.
Oh, I'll bring along a friend.
I'll see you soon.
(rotary dial clicks)
Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Ernestine.
Listen.
I want you to ask
Mr. Stifflinger to meet me
tomorrow after work.
We're going to probe into
some facts and figures.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I think he's just
what the doctor ordered.
(snorts)
(lively orchestral music)
- When I was a kid,
I used to go down,
you know, to the creek,
or the lake or whatever,
and I'd throw
rocks in the water.
And something like,
you know... (grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
(grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
And then I'd get a flat rock,
and I'd throw it just right,
and it'd skip, and
it'd go, you know...
(grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by, Ford.
With the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little carefree car, Pinto.
(lively orchestral music)
- Well that's it for tonight.
I said the SST
Will blow your mind
Look at the scoreboard
And see who's behind
Juicy (audience laughs)
- Well, even that's better
than one of your stories.
Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Oh boy.
Okay, but I sure hope I
can get my car started.
You know, it's
really cold outside.
- You have any anti-freeze?
- Well, speaking
of anti-freeze...
(laughs)
Let me tell you about
the time my auntie
was freezing in a two
family igloo in Alaska,
with a romantic Eskimo...
- No, no you never did.
Anyway, how'd she
know he was romantic?
- Well it was as plain
as his nose on her face.
(audience laughs)
- Why is it that your aunt seems
to think that everyone
has designs on her?
- Well I know one guy who
did have designs on her.
- Yeah, who?
- Well a berserk, tattoo artist,
from Bayone, New Jersey.
(audience laughs)
He really draws
some amazing things.
- For instance,
what does he draw?
- Oh about $85 a week.
(audience laughs)
- Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Boy, women are getting
so tough and militant.
These days it takes a real man
to be a female impersonator.
- Hey Dan!
- Yes?
- I have a friend
in Los Angeles,
who is moving into
a high rent district.
- Beverly Hills?
- No, watts.
(laughs)
- My cousin just
bought a new bath...
A house, with three baths.
- Is that so?
- Why waste your money?
I mean he never took
three baths in his life.
Yoo-Hoo Yoo-Hoo
- Do you know what you get when
you cross a hippopotamus
with a chihuahua?
- No, Alan, what
do you get, when
you cross a hippopotamus
with a chihuahua?
- You get a very
cross chihuahua.
- A very big crowd.
- Yeah Dennis?
- What do you get when you cross
Mickey Rooney with a cowboy?
- I don't know, what?
- A man who rides
tall in the stirrup.
- A very cross chihuahua.
- Hey, did you know
that Lamont Cranston
was afraid of his own shadow?
- There's this place in Tibet...
- Do they have chihuahuas?
- Sofia Loren just
lost a starring role
in a new scuba diving movie.
They couldn't get her to sink.
- Wow I've got...
I'm not kidding now kids.
I've got terrible dandruff.
- Well, keep it under your hat.
- Now what do you
get when you cross
John Wayne with a whale?
- I don't know, what?
- Moby Dupe.
- No chihuahua?
- Oh that calls for
a little drinky poo.
- Why not?
(lively orchestral music)
(objects clatter)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot fires)
(descending flute notes)
(audience laughs)
(metal spring recoils)
(engine rumbles)
(air pops)
(audience laughs)
(tap shoes clatter)
- Hi, Mr. Agnew.
That album of your
speeches is simply great.
But there is one
problem I must relate.
While politically it
might advance you,
I find it's not very
easy to dance to.
(audience laughs)
(air whistles)
(air whistles)
(audience laughs)
(bowling pins clatter)
(rhythmic clapping)
(xylophone chimes)
following program
is brought to you in
living color, on NBC.
- You know what?
Two weeks ago I hired the most
fantastic secretary
I've ever had.
- How fast can she type?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Welcome to our one cent sale.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Carson.
I'm looking for a
man, about 5'10".
165 pounds.
With blue eyes, and brown hair.
- Gee, I haven't
seen anyone like that.
- Oh, wait a minute.
How tall are you?
- 4'2".
(audience laughs)
- Well how much do you weigh?
- 270 pounds.
- Close enough you
short, fat, beauty.
(audience laughs)
- Golly gosh, I could
hear that one again.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Vidal.
I hear you're Liberal.
How about a kiss?
(audience laughs)
- Tell Mr. Buckley I've just
become a Conservative.
(audience laughs)
- Who asked you?
- Here's the way I look at it.
(audience laughs)
- A viewer has inquired how I
determine if
something is tasteful.
A very good question.
But tasteless.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the National Bull Company,
lowers it's horns,
and also it's standards
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the calf
eyed Dan Rowan.
And the completely
cowed Dick Martin.
And, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Alan Sues.
Lily Tomlin.
And, Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown.
Anne Elder.
And the capering corns
of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this advice
for you who suffer
from acid indigestion.
Stop eating acid.
- You just can't
get dishes cleaner
than with liquor
liquid liv... (stammers)
Oh I'm sorry.
- Okay.
That makes eight takes Mary Lou.
You've made me so nervous I need
a nervous... (stammers)
- [Director] Cut!
(audience laughs)
Alright let's break for lunch.
Boy I could go for a nice
cold glass of Schultz's...
I mean... (stammers)
- [Director] Cut!
Mama mia that's
some lousy commercial.
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971.
Including the new,
little carefree car, Pinto.
(energetic pop music)
- Hi big boy.
And they call me cheap.
(audience laughs)
(engine rumbling)
(metal clacking)
(engine puttering)
(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)
(bomb explodes)
(audience laughs)
- Now for a death defying stunt.
My assistant will
place a lighted
cigarette in her
mouth, and inhale.
(audience laughs)
- Now ladies and gentlemen.
Here on our very stage, we bring
you those two sons of fun.
Those masters of mirth.
The clown princes of comedy.
Julius and Abby Hoffman.
Lets really hear it out there.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Tonight ladies and gentlemen
we have a show
that I think you're...
- Hey.
I am very sorry I'm late, but I
had to go back for
my lucky rabbit's foot.
- What took you so long?
- Getting away
from the lucky rabbit.
He didn't wanna part with it.
Was he superstitious?
- Oh he's superstitious, huh?
Aren't you?
- Certainly not, being
superstitious is very bad luck.
Knock wood.
(wood clatters)
(audience laughs)
- I thought you
weren't superstitious.
- I'm not there are just a few
things I'm mighty careful about.
- Oh really?
- Like, I never walk
under a falling safe.
- That's bad luck.
- Also, bad luck to
whistle at a sailor on a bus.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- If you ever did that, you'd
get punched right in the nose.
- See that's bad luck.
- Yeah that's bad luck.
No question about that, you got
any other superstitions?
- Well yes
whenever I spill salt,
I spin around three
times and sing Sweet Sue.
- I never heard of that.
- Oh sure you have, you know...
Every little breeze
seems to whisper
- Wait, wait a minute.
That's not Sweet
Sue, that's Louise.
- No wonder things
have been going bad.
(audience laughs)
- You know actually
I'm not surprised
to hear that you're
superstitious.
I would imagine that
the most superstitious
people in the world
are probably performers.
- Well I know, for instance...
I, for instance, will
never, ever recite
Shakespeare in a dressing room.
- Why not?
- Because I don't
know any Shakespeare.
- Well these are very
silly things, you know.
They don't mean a thing.
The horseshoe
and the rabbit's foot.
- I happen to know
an old Calypso curse.
- An old Calypso curse?
- That befalls
anyone, anyone who
goes out in the full moon
without doing a henway.
- What's a henway?
- Oh they average
about 3.5 pounds.
(audience laughs)
That's not counting
the feathers.
I got you good.
- Well before my luck
gets as bad as these jokes,
let's get to the quickies.
- Well whatever you say.
- What are you doing?
- What does it
look like I'm doing?
- Hey!
Now that's bad luck.
- Oh, you're right, here.
(audience laughs)
(water splashes)
- And not only that,
your brolly leaks.
(audience laughs)
- Well I thank you to
leave me brolly out.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- You had a visitor
while you were asleep
but I sent her away.
- But why?
- I thought you were dead.
(groans)
(gun squeaking)
(melodic disco music)
- Well I think I
can tell you why
you're having trouble
making friends, Mr. Allan.
Basically, you're
a non-conformist.
You know what I mean,
you go against the grain.
(audience laughs)
(feet tapping)
(discordant beeps)
(scatting)
(drum rim shot)
- Come on Harry, it's over here.
- I'm Tommy.
- Come on, make
a wish would you,
are you gonna make one or not?
Just make a wish.
- Will you stop nagging me,
you're always nagging me.
Nagging me.
Nagging me, I can't
stand it anymore.
- Just make a wish
Harry, come on.
- Stop nagging me.
- Oh shut-up and make a wish.
(water splashes)
- Oh I'll make a wish.
(water splashes)
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(rapid discordant beeping)
(squeaking)
(audience laughs)
(gunshots fire)
(melodic disco music)
I'm Putting on my top hat
- Sorry old timer, but
you've got to leave.
The law says you
can't stay here anymore.
- But what'll I do
on the outside?
This is my life.
I don't know anything else.
- Sorry Warden,
the law says you've
got to retire after 65.
(audience laughs)
(melodic disco music)
- Oh doctor I...
I seem to have the classic
symptoms of schizophrenia.
I've got a split personality.
- [Both] Well, I think
maybe we can help you.
(audience laughs)
(alarm blares)
- Excuse me nurse, where
can I find Dr. Funman?
- You're gonna have to walk all
the way over to the
other side of the hospital.
- Oh well can I
have a wheelchair?
- Oh sure.
(screams)
- My nose, I just had it done.
- Oh get in here.
(audience laughs)
(patient groans)
Goodness you're clumsy.
Get in there.
(squeaking)
(audience laughs)
(police siren blares)
- Well let me ask you something.
Now we've just
seen the quickies.
What did you think?
- I give up.
Now let me ask you one.
Which came first,
the egg and a half,
or the chicken and a half?
- The egg and a half, right?
- Wrong.
- Wrong.
- Now.
If a chicken and
a half lays an egg
and a half in a day and a half,
how many days does
it take to lay 12 eggs?
- 12 days.
(laughs)
- Wrong.
- Wrong.
- Now, why did the
chicken and a half
cross the road and a half?
- Oh come on.
This is getting ridic...
There's no such thing
as a half a chicken.
- There is now, he only made
it halfway across the road.
- What's that got to
do with the quickies?
- I'll drink.
(audience laughs)
A wet worm was found
In a piece of old bread
I put it under the pillow
So it would crawl on my head
- Candy little girl?
- Oh I'm not supposed to
accept candy from strangers.
- Well... How bout a drink?
(audience laughs)
(spring recoils)
- Here's the little lady whose
done more to close
the generation gap,
than even Georgie Jessel.
Laugh-In's own, Edith Anne.
- I had a...
Today I had a horrible headache.
And my mama gave me
some little Aspirin pills.
And now I won't have a headache
for at least two more days,
because she gave
me the ones marked
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
(audience laughs)
And that's the truth.
(lively orchestral music)
- And now we take a short hop
to the glamour
capital of the world.
Hollywood.
(metal spring recoils)
- Oh at last, my big comeback.
Oh I'm so excited to be reunited
with my handsome leading
man, Ramone Armstrong.
Oh I haven't seen him
since our last film together.
- You look so
beautiful Ms. Blossom.
I just love your eye shadow.
(shouts)
- I'm not wearing
any eye shadow.
(audience laughs) (groans)
- [Cecil] Fern.
- Yes, what is it young man?
- Sweetheart.
- What?
- I really don't think you
can do this love scene.
Why don't we cut it?
- Oh what do you mean?
I'm raring to go.
But my only request
is, right before
the cameras start rolling,
someone give me a little push.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
You're going to
faint into his arms.
- Oh marvelous.
- He's gonna pick you up,
fling you over his shoulder.
- Wonderful.
- And then he's gonna
throw you on this bed.
- Oh it'll be divine!
- And all this is to be
done bare chested.
- Oh Ramone has
a gorgeous chest.
- I'm talking about your chest.
- Oh I don't mind.
Just keep those sex starved
stage hands away from me.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Ramone
Armstrong has arrived.
- Oh!
Ramone!
- Laverne.
- Ramone!
- Laverne.
- Oh Ramone!
(lips smacking)
- Excuse me that's Ramone.
- Oh Ramone?
- Sir, this is Laverne here.
- Ramone?
- Laverne?
- Ramone!
(groans)
- Laverne?
(air whistling)
Addy, Maxine?
(air whistling)
- Cut the faint scene.
Cut the fling and throw scene.
- While you're at it, cut
the bare chest scene.
(audience laughs)
- Cut the love scene.
- Well, what are we going to do?
- Oh well, you'll just
have to find someone else.
Oh, wait!
I know, that handsome
young juvenile
that I used to work with.
Cecil, call Walter Brennon.
(audience laughs)
(Laverne moans)
- [Ramone] Laverne?
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(audience applause)
(lively orchestral music)
(gunshots fire)
(audience laughs)
(balloon pops)
(audience laughs)
(engine rumbles)
(engine rumbles)
(audience laughs)
(lively orchestral music)
- It's time for
me to think about
storing away some
nuts, which brings
us to General Bull Right.
(lively orchestral
music) (audience laughs)
- Okay America,
General Bull Right here.
Now tonight's sermon...
I mean message.
(audience laughs)
Is being brought to you at the
request of Martha Mitchell,
Washington's
answer to Jane Fonda.
Tonight I'm gonna talk
about educational TV.
We gotta upgrade it.
So the army's sponsoring
it's own new kiddie show.
We're gonna call
it Company Street.
Starring Captain Kangaroo
and Corporal Green Jeans.
What better way to teach a kid
to count than hup,
two, three, four.
(audience laughs)
And the alphabet, A
for army, B for barracks.
And C for charge!
We gotta teach these
kids the important
things in life,
reading, writing,
and keeping your weapon clean.
We're even going to have
animal characters on the show.
My personal
favorite is a full bird,
a six foot hawk,
two right wings.
When he squawks you listen.
(audience laughs)
Well, that's it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
And be sure to read my new book.
The Sensuous Sergeant.
You'll get a new whole
new outlook on military life.
(melodic orchestral music)
(whistle blows)
Is it off?
(audience laughs)
(lively disco music)
(engine puttering)
(melodic orchestral music)
(engine puttering)
(people squeaking)
(tape measure scraping)
(tape measure scraping)
(tape measure clatters)
(audience laughs)
(balloon pops)
(audience laughs)
(Velcro scrapes)
(audience laughs)
- And Spiro Agnew
said yesterday,
"There is no truth to the rumor
"that I'll be running
for President in 1972.
"Actually I'm afraid to
throw my hat into the ring,
"because with my luck,
"I'll probably hit someone."
(audience laughs)
- On being a grapney.
In youth the man
is paled with foil.
As he grows older his
scripply starts growing.
The use of the
scripply is discretionary.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
(melodic country music)
(melodic vocalizing)
All you see are cattle
When you're
sitting in the saddle
On the prairie Yippie-I-Oh
Talking to a donkey
While the ground
is kind of soggy
On the prairie Opie-Ki-I
When you're on the trail
You never hear the news
You're riding on the
ranger In the calibus
When you're busy
lassoing You're old kayu
You can't hear that
(melodic vocalizing)
Cow pokes Cow hands
Cowboys Cowgirls
Cactus Coyotes
Laugh-In looks at the news
(melodic vocalizing)
(cowboy howling)
(audience laughs)
(howling)
(howling)
- Here's Dick and Dan.
- [Announcer] And
now the Laugh-In News,
with our foreign
reporter at the fair,
nudist expert looking bare,
war correspondent over there.
Nice in expert underwear.
Mayor Yontie everywhere.
Old McDonald
had a farm E-I-E-I-O
- And I'm Dan Rowan for Dick.
- And Dick Paddlin' for Dan.
- News of the future,
Detroit, a year from now.
In spite of the
President's injunction
against automotive
workers strikes,
Detroit labor unions accepted
the decision gracefully.
And today, 5,000 cars rolled off
the assembly line, and
they all rolled off sideways.
(audience laughs)
- Saigon.
Following the announcement
by General Creighton Abrams,
that the United States
will pay one cent
for each marijuana plant
the south Vietnamese
destroy, south
Vietnamese farmers
immediately set about to
increase their crop yield.
(audience laughs)
- News of the future,
Washington D.C.,
two years from now.
While leaving his office today,
Ralph Nader suffered
a broken ankle
when his left leg gave
out from under him.
He immediately
launched a suit, against
his mother, and father
charging faulty production.
(audience laughs)
- And now for this
fast breaking item.
(glass shatters)
(audience laughs)
- Hi film fans.
(laughs)
This is Bizzi Buzzie,
buzzing around
those Beverly
heels, where I just
sneaked a peek at a
backstage situation,
that's just too, too
typical of Tinseltown.
(laughs)
- If I want a part
in your picture
I have to make love to you?
I wouldn't make love to you if
you were the last man on Earth.
You dirty old man.
(slap thuds)
(audience laughs)
- Boy, Harry will
never recover from that.
- Oh listen it happens
all the time in Hollywood.
- Yeah, but that's his wife.
- Hi, Big Al here.
The bells are ringing
For me and my pal
(laughs)
- Listen I'm going to
interview Vince Vonce,
the new basketball center
for the Cleveland Amories.
Vince, the first question
I'd like to ask you...
Vince?
Vince?
Vince, you're awfully
short for a basketball player.
I mean do you find
that a handicap?
- What do you mean short?
- Well look sugar,
you're a good three
feet shorter than
anyone else in basketball.
- Come to think of
it, you may be right.
You know my eyesight's
so bad I hardly noticed.
(audience laughs)
- You mean you
don't see too well?
(laughs) (audience laughs)
You have trouble hearing too?
- No, but I have a
little trouble hearing.
Excuse me.
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
(glass shatters)
Two points.
- Two points?
Vince, that didn't even
come close to the basket.
(coughs)
- Hold it a sec.
I gotta catch my breath.
- You mean you're out of breath
from taking one shot,
did you hear that?
- Huh?
- Well thank you.
- Huh?
- Thank you and
good luck Vince Vonce.
Well sports fan this
is Big Al reminding
you that next
week, I'll be coming
to you from the Fire
Island Drag Races.
Va room, va room.
Ta-ta!
(lips smacking)
Oh shut-up you little squirt.
(audience laughs)
- Tonight's editorial
will be delivered
by General Bull Right.
- I believe the new
draft lottery system's
a vast improvement
over the previous system,
under the lottery methods.
Draftees are selected
fairly, impartially,
and without discrimination.
- We recognize our obligation to
give equal time to responsible
spokesman with opposing views.
- I'd like to say a few words
against the lottery system.
- You mean you don't
think it's an improvement?
- No, I think only half that.
The lottery system discriminates
against a large
segment of our society.
- Well whom does it
discriminate against?
- Lucky people.
If you win at this, you lose.
(audience laughs)
The way this works,
you're penalized
for coming in first and rewarded
for coming in last.
(audience laughs)
I suggest that the
system be reversed
so that we can put some
more losers into the army.
Thank you.
- Just another
man out of his mind,
and what's worse,
I understand him.
(gagging)
(audience laughs)
- Di-Da.
(war whoops)
Cowpokes Cow hands
Cowboys Cowgirls Cactus
Coyotes Laugh-In
looked at the news
(audience applause)
("Pop Goes the Weasel"
by Anthony Newley)
(discordant ambient notes)
- And now,
another episode
of the Farkel Family.
Entitled the Losing
of the Found Farkel.
We join them as
we hear father Farkel
say to his dear Fanny...
- What's the score?
- What's the score Frank?
- The score is five to four.
- Five to four, good
heavens, time to eat.
- Frank never did
know the score.
- We'll be back.
- But first folks,
when it's time
to eat at your
house, there's one
thing you should
have at the table, me.
I'm starving.
Meanwhile here's
something to sink
your teeth into.
- But seriously folks.
- Excuse me, Mr. Ritzor.
I understand that
you're a very good friend
of a big singer.
Could you possibly
introduced me to Mr. Al Martino?
- Who?
- Al Martino.
- Who's that?
- Wasn't your name
Razuto before you got fat?
- No.
(audience laughs)
- Gadzooks and
sounds did I describe.
Fulminous sounds,
there to betaked
my addled senses, are cheeky.
Sly, be gobble,
sneaky station break.
(air whistles) (coughs)
Maybe it was something I ate.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- And now!
We join the Farkel's again.
Just as it seems time to eat.
- [French Fry] Frank!
- Over here my lad.
- Franks!
French fries.
- Hey!
- Father Farkel, that
face looks familiar.
- This could be the young Farkel
we lost at the ball
park years ago.
- Is it obvious my dear, Frank?
- Obvious my dear, Fanny?
Imagine, my dear Fanny, obvious.
- Is Frank's dear Fanny obvious?
- But before we put out
Franks', Fanny's burning
question, ask
yourself this question.
- Why am I asking
myself questions
when I should be watching
what's coming up next?
- Rod, as a distinguished
man of letters,
noted author, and
gifted playwright,
how do you feel
about the metaphysical
aspects of
Shakespeare's King Lear?
- I think they're real neat.
(audience laughs)
- I haven't seen
a mistake like that
since the night I went
bowling with Raquel Welch.
- Hey, Ms. Longette.
I just love your accent.
- Well then you
would love France.
Have you ever been to gay Paris?
- No but I've been
to Fire Island.
(audience laughs)
And I didn't enjoy that.
(audience laughs)
- That was beautiful.
- Listen, most of you
with good memories,
and ones who don't
have a good view on...
I'm painting With
years And lines
- Hi there.
Here we go, go right ahead
with what you were doing.
- Yes.
- It's alright.
(melodic vocalizing)
- Hold it right there.
- We use...
- Hold it right
there, that's it.
That classic profile.
The interplay of the
light and the shadow.
- Oh for heavens sake don't tell
me that you're going
to paint my portrait.
- Good idea, I'll
let it be a surprise.
(laughs)
- I'm already surprised.
I didn't know you
were interested in art.
- You bet your
sweet Picasso I am.
And why not, pray
tell, am I not directly
descended from the
great Renaissance
painter, Leonardo Di Funman?
- Leonardo Di Funman?
- See you've heard of him.
The man who painted the
Sistine Chapel on his back.
- That was Michelangelo.
- He painted
Michelangelo on his back?
- No, no.
Michelangelo painted the
Sistine Chapel on his back.
- Oh that's nothing,
Uncle Leonardo
painted the Sinking of
the Titanic on his chest.
And it was in watercolor.
(laughs)
- Oh beautiful.
Hey I always wondered.
I saw you do that.
Why do artists do that?
Is that to give you
perspective or a different angle?
- No it's actually to get
my thumb in the picture.
(audience laughs)
- Most artists I know exhibit.
Have you ever shown
anything in public?
(audience laughs)
Put it to you this way.
(laughs)
- Well actually once I did.
The day I split my
pants in the Guggenheim.
- Oh my word, sounds painful.
Before you split anything else,
can we see what you've got?
- Oh.
You should've seen
it at the Guggenheim.
- No can we see this portrait?
- Oh sure, sure, sure.
(humming)
How's that?
- Dick, that's not me.
- Well of course
not, it's Bernice.
Why would I want to
paint a nude picture of you?
(audience laughs)
- Come on Rembrandt,
lets go to the party.
(energetic disco music)
- Hey tall, dark, and handsome.
What's the situation
like for Negro
performers on TV these days?
- Things are looking
blacker every day.
- Oh that's bad.
- No that's good.
(squeals) (energetic
disco music)
(audience laughs)
- Dan, Dan.
Hey Dan, you know
what the President said?
Well he said that in 1972, we'll
all be living in a country
with full employment,
and expanding economy.
- Great.
I wonder which country
he's talking about.
- One with expanding economy.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- They say there's no
business like show business,
and that's very true.
I went to my agent
last week, and he said,
"You have no business
in show business."
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Ta, boom, boom, boom.
(audience laughs) (laughs)
Hard as a rock.
Listen wide, dark, and handsome.
Can you see Ronald
Regan as President?
- No, all I've seen him
on is Death Valley Days.
- Close enough.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Last night I was sent
over to stop a fight at a bar.
I walked in, and just like
that, everything got quiet.
As a matter of
fact, I didn't come
to until the next morning.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I thought they said they were
all going to a cocktail party.
(energetic disco music)
- The Arabs and
the Israelis agreed
the Middle East is
the Promised Land.
They just can't agree
on who it's promised to.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I have just completed
an experiment
with rats, to see how long
it takes to get out of a maze.
It took three entire days.
Of course, if the rats
had waited for me,
I might have made it sooner.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- I was arrested
last night for loitering.
I told the cop I
was only waiting
for someone to pick me up.
I just didn't know who.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Hey lets go over to
your place and fool around.
- Oh I couldn't do that.
I'm a married woman.
- Well in that case,
lets go to my place.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
- Boomer here.
I thought my game
went a little smooth today,
until I found out
some practical joker
shaved the fuzz off my ball.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(laughs)
- Oh Mr. Benny Boom
Boom Boom Boom Boom.
(laughs)
Now down here.
(laughs)
Stretch your coffee break.
Listen I wanted...
- Hey.
Lola.
You know I'd love
to have you open
up my special
Wednesday night on NBC.
- Oh marvelous, is that
because I look so sexy?
- No it's because you
look like a peacock.
(audience laughs)
- And now!
While last we left the
Farkel's by the bleachers.
The last Farkel
left had last asked
if Frank said he was obvious.
So, let's pick him up.
By the bleachers,
as Frank says...
- This boy could be the
Farkel who was missing.
- Missing, my dear Fanny,
imagine my dear Fanny, missing.
- Missing.
- Who are you my lad?
- I don't know who I
am, or where I live.
They call me, French Fry.
- Frank Farkel here, French Fry.
My dear Fanny, French Fry.
Phyllis, Francie, French
Fry, Simon and Garfarkel.
Artie Farkel,
French Fry, Smartie.
French Fry, Artie, and
Smartie Farkel, and her.
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkel.
Where do you live French Fry?
- In the ballpark.
I live on franks.
It's okay during the
summer, but in the winter,
the buns get mighty cold.
But I did live in a house once.
I had a couch,
and a mantelpiece,
and people with red hair.
(ominous bells dinging)
- Well... What's
going to happen next?
- The Gay Liberation
political party
elected an entire City Council.
Yesterday's vote
went 9-4, six against.
And three pouting.
- Gee, Mr. Wayne,
would you consider
running for the Presidency?
- Nah.
But if the country ever needs a
straight shooting Sheriff,
I'm your man, mister.
- Do you really sleep
with a night light?
- Remember if George
Washington were alive today,
he'd be famous for old age.
- Mr. Vidal, I don't know
much about politics,
but I think Mr. Agnew
is just wonderful.
- You're half right, you don't
know much about politics.
(audience laughs)
(energetic disco music)
(glass shatters)
(lively organ music)
(audience cheers and applauds)
(energetic orchestral music)
(gunshot fires) (glass shatters)
(audience laughs)
- Roger, how does a
3,000 pound guitar sound?
- Oh something like this.
Twang (audience laughs)
- I think I would
understand that joke,
if only someone would
translate it into English.
(drum roll)
- Mr. Carson.
On your show, you do
a lot of tasteless jokes
about Ed McMahon,
and his drinking.
Does he occasionally
have too much?
- Well, Ed does occasionally
have a little now and then.
But he knows when to stop.
Usually it's right after
he starts to giggle,
and set fire to his clothes.
(audience laughs)
- Pauline Rhetoric
here, in Alpine County.
For an interview
with Mr. Bruce Lance.
The candidate for
the President on
the Gay Liberation ticket.
Mr. Lance, may I ask
you a few questions?
Now can you tell us
something about your platform?
- I'd just love to.
My platform is as all
American as Old Glory,
mom, and mince pie.
(laughs)
- That's just grand.
But tell us, as a Gay
Liberation candidate,
what changes would you
make in our government?
- Well, first I'd change
the National Anthem,
to God Save the Queen.
(audience laughs)
- Any other changes?
- Well I'd cut the
budgets, and the
tax payers will be
saving a fortune,
'cause they won't be
supporting a President
and a First Lady.
I can swing both jobs myself.
- I've heard that about you.
That should save
a few dollars sir,
but just one more question.
Are you wearing that mask
to protect your identity?
- Oh heavens no, it's
these hot old lights.
I'm wearing it to
protect my mascara.
(audience laughs)
- Come on Bruce,
lets you and I go
down to the Bull and Booth.
- Heaven...
(Bruce muffled by
orchestral music)
- Sounds like they're gonna
have a little drinky poo.
That would be terrific.
(ascendant melodic notes)
- Once again it's
time to visit those
folks who live in the big
white house on the hill.
(audience laughs)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
- Hello sweetheart,
how did it go today?
- Oh pretty good.
I signed another one
of Stromm's bills today.
- Oh?
- Sure wish he'd buy
his own lunch someday.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Speaking of lunch,
what's for supper?
- It's a secret.
- A secret?
Good, I'll invite J. Edgar
over, it's his favorite dish.
(phone rings)
I'll get it.
Hello?
Oh we were just talking
about you, J. Edgar.
(laughs)
Oh you know?
(audience laughs)
And you can make it?
Well maybe some other time.
Goodbye.
- Why can't he come?
- Well he's working
on a new project,
and he doesn't wanna leave
until he gets all the bugs in.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- Speaking of J. Edgar Hoover,
tonight Laugh-In
salutes the FBI.
That vigilant
organization, so capably
led, by that ageless,
and fearless leader,
Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
(audience laughs)
Here's to the graduating class
Here's to the training school
Here's to the fun
The badge The gun
The playing by the rule
Now we should
leave the ivy halls
Ready to do or die Give
me an F Give me a B
Give me an I I-I-I Give
me an F Give me a B
Give me an FBI
Learning to tap the telephone
Learning to pug a dube
Learning to pug the guilty thug
And lead him to his doom
Now we should
help the poor police
Even the private
eye Give me an F
Give me a B Give me an FBI
The Federal Bureau
of Investigation
Is a group that
no one can resist
If you should ever
have An altercation
Call on Mr. Efrem
Zimbalist Junior
Learning to check
the fingerprints
Learning to face the
call Checking the wife
The guns The knife
The bullet in the wall
Helping to find the proper clue
Give it the college
try Start with an F
Start with a B
Start with an I-I-I
Give me an F Give
me a B Give me an FBI
(audience applause)
(melodic orchestral music)
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we've just been told
that J. Edgar Hoover
retired, one half hour ago.
But he'll be back at his
desk, first thing in the morning.
(audience laughs)
- I have my own list of
the 10 most wanted men.
It starts with Frank Sinatra.
(audience laughs)
- The FBI is so top
secret, that sometimes
one agent won't tell
another agent what's up.
(audience laughs)
- I'm Agent John McRay, FBI.
- I'm Agent Joe Hamilton.
- How are you?
- Why do you ask?
- None of your business.
- You know what I
don't like about you?
- I'm listening.
- Right.
- What do you know?
- More than you.
- Oh yeah?
If you're so smart,
what time does
the revolution in
South America start?
- Four o'clock, Tuesday.
- Wrong.
It's Wednesday at eight.
- Thank you.
(melodic orchestral
music) (audience laughs)
- Tuesday at four o'clock.
(audience laughs)
- The FBI investigates
such crimes
as tax evasion,
treason, and fraud.
Why now they're
even investigating
why the FBI show isn't
number one in the ratings.
I suggest you start watching it.
(audience laughs)
- Wow, what a
great set of prints.
(audience laughs)
- I don't believe
that just because
the Director of the
FBI is named Hoover,
that there's been a vacuum
in that department for years.
(audience laughs)
Love J. Edgar Hoover He's
A really right on boss
But heaven help the person
Who would ever make him cross
We promise not
to smoke the grass
Or even hit the sauce
We love J. Edgar
Hoover He's our very
Heavy boss
(audience applause)
- FBI.
- CIA.
E-I-E-I-O (audience laughs)
- Psst, psst!
- Yes sir?
- You've got to help me,
I think I'm being followed.
- Well, what's your
name and address?
- David Bigamont,
162 Park Avenue.
- You're right.
(audience laughs)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- So knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Hoover.
- Hoover who?
- Whoever heard of a
76 year old policeman?
(audience laughs)
- If it weren't for
the FBI, who would
watch over the CIA, as they keep
on an eye on the Secret Service,
which guards the
President, who must
oversee what the
FBI is watching?
- Well at least it's
all out in the open.
(audience laughs)
(gunshot fires) (groans)
(audience laughs)
Here's to the hidden microfilm
Here's to the guilty poke
Here's to the kind
who hide behind
The dagger and the cloak
Here's to a special way of life
Here's to a special
guy Give me an F
Give me a B Give me
an I-I-I Give me an F
Give me a B Give
me a D Give me an E
Give me an R Give
me an A Give me an L
Oh well Give me
a great Big F B I
(audience applause)
- And now another thought
from Bartlett's familiar pairs.
Remember when sex was
dirty, and the air was clean?
- Show business is
getting very bizarre.
Some of these
weird sex films are
so sickening they oughta
change the X rating to RX.
No one admitted
without a doctor.
- You know I'm glad my special's
going to be on NBC.
CBS offered me
one, but they wanted
to call it Storefront Tight Wad.
(audience laughs)
I didn't like that.
- And now you may
remember that French Fry,
who might be the missing Farkel,
has described his
early recollection
of a house, identical to
that of the Farkel family.
- Don't forgo
failing to find out
in a forthcoming
flash, Farkel fans.
- At this fateful
phase, we may find
a Farkel in French Fry,
hark, who can that be?
(doorbell rings)
- Hi.
I'm French Fry, in whom
you may find a Farkel.
Remember me?
- No, can't say I do.
- But I remember this house.
The couch, the mantelpiece.
People with red hair.
Everything.
I'm found.
Just one thing, are we
in Fliggel Falls, Flordia?
- [Farkels] No.
- Franks, french fries.
- Fliggel Falls, I
remember it well.
- And now!
Don't fail to refrain from
watching our next episode.
When we'll hear Ferdburfel
say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine looking Farkel
you almost found there, Frank.
(audience laughs)
(energetic orchestral music)
(shouting)
(glass shatters)
(laughs)
- Hey Linus.
(slurring)
This is not what I had in mind,
when they say you
should take up a hobby.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's better than some.
Oh pour my shame
in my... (slurring)
I'll be home.
Take... (laughs)
Was that an opinion
or just a comment?
(laughs)
- You'll never know.
(laughs)
- I saw a good name for the kid.
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
- Right there, one moment.
(knock on door)
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
(audience laughs)
(knock on door)
I hear ya, I hear ya.
What are you, a woodpecker?
(audience laughs)
Oh.
Ms. Armfie, my
delicate little amaryllis.
How delightful of you to
grace my humble abode.
(laughs)
- None of your
sweet talk, Tyrone.
You know I'm here strictly
on a business relationship.
- Oh yes, my dear, and my
heart swells with anticipation.
(laughs)
Having you, and
knowing that you have
accepted my offer of employment.
- Look Tyrone, I only
offered to come here
and clean your house, because I
really needed the extra cash.
Now where do I start?
- Ms. Armfie, it's
not my intention
that you overwork
yourself, my pet.
If you feel the need
to... (stammers)
You can go in the bedroom
and lie down awhile.
(gasps) (audience laughs)
Well now, mayhap
you would prefer to
lie down out here on the couch.
(gasps)
(bag thuds)
(audience laughs)
Do you mind if I lie down on the
floor while you think about it?
(audience laughs)
(audience applause)
- Johnny, guess what?
I just got a great job working
for the National Conference
of Christians and Jews.
- Well what's so
good about that?
- 240 holidays a year!
(audience laughs)
(melodic piano music)
There came A little to the wall
Oh and on a summer's
day He sniffed once
He sniffed twice
And then he ran away
There Came a bee to the flower
Oh and on a summer's
day He sniffed it once
He sniffed it twice
And then he flew away
And there came unto the May
Oh and on a summer's
day He kissed it once
He kissed it twice
And then he Away
(giggles)
- Ain't it funny?
(giggles)
But it's true.
(audience laughs)
- Time now for a
little ringy-dingy.
Here's Ernestine.
(audience laughs)
(rotary dial clicks)
- One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingies.
A gracious good afternoon.
This is Ms. Tomlin from
the telephone company.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
(audience laughs)
Dr. Reuben?
Dr. David Reuben?
Infamous author, of
What You've Always
Wanted to Know About
S-e-x, But Were Afraid to Ask?
(audience laughs)
Good.
Dr. Reuben, we at
Ma Bell wanna know
how you're using
the equipment, and
we are not afraid to ask.
(audience laughs)
We understand that
arrangements for romantic
rendezvous are being
made on this line.
Oh official business,
my headset.
Now you listen to
me, Dr. Reuben.
You are making a gross
misuse of the equipment.
I am referring to your
telephone Dr. Reuben.
Yes, Dr. Reuben.
I am not a prude.
I am not a prude.
I am a high school graduate.
But using Ma Bell
to set up all this
hanky-panky, well it must stop.
Pardon me, what is that?
You're doing research to
compile facts and figures?
Facts and figures.
The fact is, you're only
interested in the figures.
You animal.
I know all about
people like you.
Yes, I do, I know your kind.
I majored in animal husbandry.
(audience laughs)
What, pardon?
What is that?
Well no.
No, no one actually
ever has described
my voice as seductive.
(snorts)
Well, around the office however,
I am known as the sensuous
service representative.
(snorts) (audience laughs)
Oh, Dr. Reuben.
Tomorrow?
Well I suppose research
on your second volume.
I could lend myself in
the interest of science.
Oh, I'll bring along a friend.
I'll see you soon.
(rotary dial clicks)
Phoenicia?
Phoenicia, this is Ernestine.
Listen.
I want you to ask
Mr. Stifflinger to meet me
tomorrow after work.
We're going to probe into
some facts and figures.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I think he's just
what the doctor ordered.
(snorts)
(lively orchestral music)
- When I was a kid,
I used to go down,
you know, to the creek,
or the lake or whatever,
and I'd throw
rocks in the water.
And something like,
you know... (grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
(grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
And then I'd get a flat rock,
and I'd throw it just right,
and it'd skip, and
it'd go, you know...
(grunts)
(mimics water plopping)
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by, Ford.
With the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little carefree car, Pinto.
(lively orchestral music)
- Well that's it for tonight.
I said the SST
Will blow your mind
Look at the scoreboard
And see who's behind
Juicy (audience laughs)
- Well, even that's better
than one of your stories.
Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Oh boy.
Okay, but I sure hope I
can get my car started.
You know, it's
really cold outside.
- You have any anti-freeze?
- Well, speaking
of anti-freeze...
(laughs)
Let me tell you about
the time my auntie
was freezing in a two
family igloo in Alaska,
with a romantic Eskimo...
- No, no you never did.
Anyway, how'd she
know he was romantic?
- Well it was as plain
as his nose on her face.
(audience laughs)
- Why is it that your aunt seems
to think that everyone
has designs on her?
- Well I know one guy who
did have designs on her.
- Yeah, who?
- Well a berserk, tattoo artist,
from Bayone, New Jersey.
(audience laughs)
He really draws
some amazing things.
- For instance,
what does he draw?
- Oh about $85 a week.
(audience laughs)
- Just say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight everybody.
(audience applause)
- Boy, women are getting
so tough and militant.
These days it takes a real man
to be a female impersonator.
- Hey Dan!
- Yes?
- I have a friend
in Los Angeles,
who is moving into
a high rent district.
- Beverly Hills?
- No, watts.
(laughs)
- My cousin just
bought a new bath...
A house, with three baths.
- Is that so?
- Why waste your money?
I mean he never took
three baths in his life.
Yoo-Hoo Yoo-Hoo
- Do you know what you get when
you cross a hippopotamus
with a chihuahua?
- No, Alan, what
do you get, when
you cross a hippopotamus
with a chihuahua?
- You get a very
cross chihuahua.
- A very big crowd.
- Yeah Dennis?
- What do you get when you cross
Mickey Rooney with a cowboy?
- I don't know, what?
- A man who rides
tall in the stirrup.
- A very cross chihuahua.
- Hey, did you know
that Lamont Cranston
was afraid of his own shadow?
- There's this place in Tibet...
- Do they have chihuahuas?
- Sofia Loren just
lost a starring role
in a new scuba diving movie.
They couldn't get her to sink.
- Wow I've got...
I'm not kidding now kids.
I've got terrible dandruff.
- Well, keep it under your hat.
- Now what do you
get when you cross
John Wayne with a whale?
- I don't know, what?
- Moby Dupe.
- No chihuahua?
- Oh that calls for
a little drinky poo.
- Why not?
(lively orchestral music)
(objects clatter)
(audience laughs)
(gunshot fires)
(descending flute notes)
(audience laughs)
(metal spring recoils)
(engine rumbles)
(air pops)
(audience laughs)
(tap shoes clatter)
- Hi, Mr. Agnew.
That album of your
speeches is simply great.
But there is one
problem I must relate.
While politically it
might advance you,
I find it's not very
easy to dance to.
(audience laughs)
(air whistles)
(air whistles)
(audience laughs)
(bowling pins clatter)
(rhythmic clapping)
(xylophone chimes)