Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 19 - Episode #4.19 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I just loved you in that
movie, A Face in the Crowd.
- That was Andy Griffith.
- Oh yeah, but you were
really good in Andy of Mayberry.
- No that was Andy Griffith.
- Of course, but I just loved
you in The Mayor of Greenwood.
- No Barbara,
that's Andy Griffith.
- Well then who are you?
- I'm Dorothy Provine,
and I've never done
a Laugh-In before.
(audience laughs)
And maybe then I'll
know what kind of fool
I is
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is not really a lion.
It's a tiger, gone hippie.
- So Andy on your new
show, you play a mayor, right?
Is your town
anything like Burbank?
- Well it used to be
til we put in sidewalks
and the bowling
alley burned down.
- No use, we don't
stand a chance
against them
Indians, we're finished.
- Oh no, no not yet, I'll
pull out my secret weapon.
Here, hold my piece,
don't get it all sweaty.
(audience laughs)
- No work, take it off,
put on Charlie Barnett.
At least maybe we can dance.
- We had a secret weapon once
and it worked just about as well
as that one is going to.
(laughs)
Boy that is stupid.
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC the nebbish
broadcasting company
fails to find an escape clause,
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the
well-founded Dan Rowan
and the completely
lost Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
everybody's favorite mare.
- That's mayor.
- Andy Griffith,
and Arte Johnson, with
Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder and Barbara Sharma,
plus terrific, talented
tawny Theresa Graves,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
reminding you that this
is National Earth Week,
take a cloud to dinner.
And for anyone has bills to pay,
please return it, because
Bill looks ridiculous bald.
Here's another question
for Shell's answer man.
- Ugh, alright, Herman,
how did you get that
lipstick on your collar?
- [Narrator] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
- Father.
- Uh huh?
- Father we were playing ball,
and I hit the ball, and I
broke the stain glass window
at the church, what should I do?
- Well my son, next
time choke up a little
and step into the ball,
you'll get better distance.
- Hey but father, then I
might break the window
in the Episcopal church.
- See you next week, slugger.
(audience laughs)
- I knew Ken Berry
when he was a nobody.
I knew Don Knotts
when he was a nobody.
I knew Jim Nabors
when he was a nobody,
and I'm sure looking forward
to meeting Dick and Dan.
(audience applauds)
- Good evening everybody.
- You'd think we're Rossi
& White or something.
- They have us confused with
someone else, that's obvious.
Hey I'd wonder if
you'd do a favor for me.
- Certainly.
- I promise you won't regret it,
but you scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours.
- Oh scratch your back?
Glad to.
- No, no, no that's
not what I mean.
- Oh a little higher, huh?
- No come on, that's
not what I mean.
If you do me a favor,
I'll do you a favor,
you know, like one
hand washes the other.
- Well alright, which one
of your hands is dirty?
- That doesn't really mean
that I want to wash my hands,
it's just an old saying,
it's not to be taken literally,
my back doesn't itch.
- Well not anymore, I just
got through scratching it.
- You must have heard
these old cliches before,
like the early bird
catches the worm...
- You want me to get
a worm for your bird?
- No.
- A bird for your worm.
- No.
- A worm for your worm?
- Oh come on, I
don't want a worm,
I'm trying to tell
you these phrases
don't mean what they say,
they're to be interpreted.
- Oh you mean like
a blue hippopotamus
never falls on a Monday.
- That's silly.
- Oh yeah what day is it?
- Monday.
- You see any blue hippopotami?
- No.
- There you go.
- Well I really had in mind
better known samples,
like don't count your chickens
before they're hatched.
- I didn't know you
had any chickens.
- I don't have any chickens.
- Well then what do you
want me to count 'em for?
- I don't want you to
count any chickens...
- Okay, count 'em yourself,
but do it before they're
hatched, much faster.
- It might even be faster if
we just forgot the chickens
and went on to the party, I
don't need them for the party.
- Good, you know the
old saying, early to bed.
- What's that got to do with it?
- Nothing really, I'm just
warming up for the party.
(jazzy dance music)
- They say it's
very stylish today
if you're wearing
a six button suit.
Heck, I got that many
on my underwear alone.
(jazzy dance music)
- Sure, I've experienced
some prejudice,
but heck, I can't like everyone.
- Nick Boomer here,
I just played tennis
with Mickey Rooney,
what a great sport.
To congratulate me
when he lost the game
he jumped under the net.
- There is no truth to the rumor
that Jackie married
Erry for his body.
- You know until very recently
a run-off vote down south,
meant that if a black
man tried to vote,
somebody'd run him off.
- I just found out the
dollar is worth only 73 cents,
that means I am losing
27 cents every half hour.
- Woo, hard as a rock.
I just finished a two-week
study of pornography in films,
would've lasted
longer, but the usherette
threw me out of the theater.
- You know Boomer, I went
to a fabulous diplomatic party
at the embassy last night,
you should've been there.
You know what happened?
When they brought the
dinner in on flaming swords,
three Egyptian
generals surrendered.
- My agent Irving Lazar
finally got me a lead in a movie.
Of course, it's a
low-budget film
but they're going to
have a world premiere
just as soon as they get the
film back from the drug store.
(audience laughs)
- You know Theresa,
to increase community
understanding,
I went down to a hippie
commune to get everything
out in the open, but
when I got down there
I found they already had
everything out in the open.
- I love housework and I'm
really terrific in the kitchen.
- Mmm, good, let's
skip the housework
and go right to
the kitchen then.
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile, during the
seventh inning stretch.
- The economy is the
business of the president,
and if he doesn't start taking
care of business pretty soon,
there won't be any
business to take care of.
Get on the stick, hick.
- A psychologist
said people think
about sex every 20
minutes, that's ridiculous.
Five more minutes to go.
- Now a number by
the Four Seasons,
featuring Spring
Byington, Elke Sommers,
and Johnny Winters.
Wait a minute, what
happened to the fall?
Thank you.
- You're Jack
Cassidy aren't you.
- That's right.
- Hi, a pleasure.
I understand that you're
appearing on the highlights
of the Ringling Brothers Circus
on January 29 on NBC.
- That's right, and
I'll be the lion tamer.
- Oh you must be
a real animal lover.
- Just a second, I only
agreed to tame them.
- Were you tall like that
when you were in kindergarten?
- Yes.
- Well what'd your
teachers call you?
- Mr. Chamberlain.
- Please, Miss Lawrence,
reconsider and do
the TV commercial.
- Never, you forget
that I am a great star.
I mean what will people think?
How about my fans,
how about my friends?
- Pays ten thousand dollars.
- How about tomorrow?
- Then you'll do the commercial?
- I don't know, I
mean look, look
at these letters, they're
from my thousands of fans.
Oh I could never disappoint them
by doing television.
They worship me, they
adore me, they love me!
- Fifteen thousand.
- Who needs them?
- You'll enjoy doing
the commercial.
- Oh now, I haven't
agreed to do it yet.
I mean I could never
lend my name to a product
that I have never used.
Oh, denture adhesive?
- Twenty thousand.
- Great stuff.
- Then you'll do the
commercial, Miss Watson?
- Oh yes, yes, but only
because, unlike myself,
many of my fans are toothless.
- You mean you
have your own teeth?
- Well of course.
- Well I'm sorry I'm afraid
we won't be able to use you.
- Oh well I'll have them pulled.
- Impossible, we
start filming tomorrow.
- Oh, well I'll get
a pair of pliers.
- No.
- Well I mean, I'm a
fast healer, gum-wise.
- I'm sorry, but
truth in advertising
requires the performer be
qualified to endorse a product.
We do have another item.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Maidenform bras.
- Foiled again.
- According to a recent survey,
there are 250,000 American
woman who are pregnant,
and those figures are
getting bigger every day.
(sliding whistle)
- What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?
- Andy, how is your new show
going to differ
from your last one?
- Well this one's
going to be a hit.
- You better not say
hit around here, Andy.
- Are you sliding?
- Father.
Oh, oh oh, I'm sorry.
Father, I sprained my ankle.
- Well that's not a sin.
- Good, I can kick her again.
- Can I ask you a
personal question?
- Go ahead?
- Who makes your buttons?
- You know you're
in a small town
when the sign in the barbershop
says one chair, no wait.
(sneaky music)
- Hey Andy we want
to ask you something.
- Yeah Andy, do you
think black is beautiful?
- Well yes, and no.
- The cream, um, The
Cream by Demf Tailersoil
Many fails have
temped the grape,
large grobels that
stuck their morgels
straight up into
the norbel abes,
not to hear a single
person zipping on the soil,
and the quarckel fleps
that stood there nipping
away at the babablutz.
Not one was ever stensifiled,
not one the day he craved,
and that's how the horse died.
- Tonight on the Modern World,
we're gonna take a
look at life in the big city.
- Really, which one?
- Oh we're not just
picking one out,
life in the big city's all
pretty much the same
wherever you are.
Same problems,
traffic, smog, crime.
- Yeah and the worst
of all is rudeness.
- Yeah I suppose.
- You know it's time
something was done
about the rudeness
problem in our big cities.
Rudeness, rude rude rude.
- You think they're
different, big cities are rude?
- Big cities, just
watch I'll show ya.
I'll tell you what, just
pretend I'm behind a counter,
and you just come in,
ask for a pack of cigarettes.
- You're behind the
counter I come in.
- Just come in and ask me.
- Can I have a pack
of cigarettes, please?
- Okay, pal, what do you want?
- I just said I'd like
a pack of cigarettes.
- Hold on, will ya, I
only got two hands.
- I just want a
pack of cigarettes.
- Well I'm not
gonna give 'em to ya.
- You're out of cigarettes?
- No 'cause this is a bakery,
we don't have any cigarettes.
What do you want
a hot cross bun?
We're in business,
otherwise get lost.
See?
- That's a bad example,
that's rude though,
you're right about that.
- You think that's rude,
pretend I'm a waiter.
- You're a big city waiter.
- Big city waiter in a certain
restaurant on Broadway.
And I'm going by ya.
- A no-name restaurant.
- You just call me.
- Okay, waiter.
- Don't yell at me, Buster.
Waiter, waiter, I got a
perfectly good name.
- I don't know your name.
- I got feelings, you
know, cut me, I bleed.
- Look, I just wanna
order my lunch.
- Well don't look at me,
it's not even my station.
Why don't you go
and get a hot cross bun
across the street at the bakery?
- You told me you
were my waiter.
- See how rude they can be?
Besides, it's lonely,
you can't meet any girls.
- In a big city?
Oh now that's not
true, that's not true,
you're probably
not doing it right.
I don't know about
getting a waiter,
I've seen those waiters.
You wanna meet
a girl in a big city,
all you have to do
is be a little polite,
the change will be refreshing.
Look, here comes
a beautiful girl.
- Is she pretty?
- She doesn't know
you, you don't know her,
you got no one to introduce you?
- She's cute though,
she's in a miniskirt?
- Beautiful girl, okay
she's in a miniskirt.
- Good, good, good.
- Now she's gonna walk by,
and you're gonna invite
her to dinner and the theater.
- Dinner and the theater?
- Or theater and the dinner.
- Okay, either one, okay.
- And you do it, and tell
her you're a stranger in town,
you don't know anyone, okay?
- Okay.
Hey baby, your place or mine?
- Aw, what kind of
girl's gonna go for that?
- I don't know, but I'm
willing to wait for one.
- Let's take a look at
Laugh-In's world of Big City.
Grab your hat and drop your plow
Going to the great big city
Pull your fingers off the cow
Going into town All
them beautiful people
Bumping into one another
All them beautiful buildings
Standing in a row Oh, oh, oh
Gonna see a saving bank
They got one on every corner
Gonna see a painted
cow One on every block
We'll eat southern fried chicken
In a bucket from Maypearl
We've got Anywhere you go
Swing your partner, do-si-do,
go to see a nudie show
Not a feather beater club,
hair below and hair above
If you're walking out the dog
Please avoid the city park
If you're dancing down a street
Careful of the folks you meet
What do freeways really prove
All those cars that never move
No one owns a horse or
hoe but everybody's gotta go
And we can sing a country
song even in the great big city
Maybe we can sing
along when we get to town
All them beautiful ladies
Wearing skirts
that hit their ankles
All them beautiful
fellas looking like a girl
Ain't it fun and ain't it purty
Ain't it fun and wild and pretty
Great big beautiful
city here we come
We're going to town
- Our city is a large group
of crowded, harassed people
bound in on all sides by
crowded, harassed people.
- The water in
New York is so bad
that waiters are required by law
to wash their hands immediately
after washing their hands.
- As a mayor on my new show,
I embark on a program
to give my townspeople
a taste of city life.
So maybe each night
I'll sneak out to the park
and mug one of them.
- 'Scuse me.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Don't think so.
(coughs)
Wait a minute, do that again.
- Do what again?
- That cough.
(coughs)
Do you live at 1424 5th avenue?
- That's right.
- Oh sure, apartment 38C,
I'm 38D, your neighbor.
- Hey.
- What do you wanna do now?
- I don't know, I'm bored
with doing the same old thing.
- I've got an idea,
let's build a tree-house.
- Oh what's a tree-house?
- Well it's a
platform up in a tree.
- Oh, what's a tree?
- Well it's a thing that
sticks out of the pavement
you know with oranges
and apples hanging on it?
- What are apples?
- And oranges?
- Gee, don't you guys
ever watch television?
- Anything else, sir?
- That's it.
My goodness, that's steep,
all I had was one martini,
a steak, baked potato,
apple pie and coffee and
you charge me $35.00?
- Those are our normal prices
here at the Chez Bruno
in New York City, sir.
- Well back home
in Peoria, Illinois,
I could go in the finest
restaurant in town
and have the exact
same meal I just had
and it wouldn't cost
me but five dollars.
- Yes but don't forget,
when you walk out
of that restaurant,
you're still in
Peoria, Illinois.
- Very interesting but too true.
Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye.
- There are many ways
an innocent country girl
in the big city
could get into the
gilded life of easy virtue.
Try one, if it doesn't
work, try another.
- Well honey, did you have
a good day at the office?
- Well I managed to
get some thinking done,
I got stuck in an
elevator for six hours.
- Oh good going dummo,
thanks for the flowers,
where'd you get
'em, the city dump?
- I'm sorry they got broke,
must've happened in the taxi?
- Oh taxi, thanks
a lot el spendo,
why don't you take
the bus once in a while?
- I tried, I got hit by a
taxi on the way to the bus?
(carnival music)
Oh come on honey,
forget it, what's for dinner?
- Nothing, just forget
about dinner, nothing.
The gas company's on strike
and they didn't fix the stove.
All I do is decorate.
- Ah that's okay, we'll
call up Chicken Surprise
and have them
send something over.
- Oh Chicken Surprise, whoopee.
- Well it's always a surprise.
That's good enough, hon.
- Well you'll never get 'em
cause the phone's out of order.
- Phone dead, the
gas strike, wild parties.
- Shut up!
- Ah, hey it looks
better that way.
Let's just forget the
whole thing, stay home.
We'll open a bottle of champagne
and maybe fool
around a little huh?
- Oh boy, have I
got bad news for you.
The champagne's hot
and I'm not even warm.
- Think I'll go take a shower.
- Listen kids, we'll be
back with more of our look
at life in the big city
after these uplifting words.
- Raquel Welch.
- What ho?
- How now?
- E'en so?
- How so?
- So so.
- Not so.
The winnowed thrunions
flushed its farthingale.
- So.
- So, 'tis knees must now
adjoin our fartal's blench.
- So?
- So our minnows
failched the malch
into thiddle fahal millions.
- Of what do thee speak?
- Of this I speak,
gentlefolk I now betake
profound apology to make,
we've had this talk
and now in its wake
comes this boring station break.
- That's better, have this
shaved and sent to my chamber.
- Methinks the
varlet's out of his skull.
- Methinks full well, the
time for the station break
has fell, that's swell, mmm.
(audience laughs)
- Because this program
was pre-recorded
your laughs will be delayed.
- On January 29 on Ringling
Brothers Circus Special
I will climb into a cage
with a ferocious lion,
and as an extra
added attraction,
three seconds later, I
will thrill the audience
by screaming, yelling, and
calling out for my mother.
City people never smile
Guess it ain't the latest style
Peptic ulcer's all they
get sitting by their TV set
Like strawplex ain't that dumb?
Uh what's a condominium?
I don't think your town's so big
When you call policemen pig
You don't go to great expense
To doing thing that
don't make sense
Bring your tie you'll hop in bed
With Bob and Carol
and Alan and Ted
- I heard about one small town
where the government
came in and offered them
20 million dollars for
slum improvement,
but they didn't have a slum,
so the government
built them one.
- Golly, the highways around,
every big city are most
crowded on summer weekends
when all the people from
the city drive to the beach
to get away from all
the people from the city.
To dream
- I know a guy who
gets mugged every day
when he walks through the park.
- Then why does he keep
doing it, the big dummy?
- It's his job, he's a cop.
- The city is where
people feel an urgent need
to find a little spot
with grass and trees
so they can build
a parking lot on it.
(cars honk)
- Boy I'll tell ya, these
skyscrapers are sure something,
those people look like ants.
- Those are ants, you idiot,
we're only on the first floor.
- One big city has
just made a study,
and they've come up
with an ingenious method
to increase traffic
speed by 50 percent.
It's called walking.
(cars honking)
- I don't know why people say
New Yorkers are insensitive.
Why just the other day I
saw a man get hit by a truck,
and everybody passing by
was real careful
not to step on him.
- In big cities today,
the use of credit cards
has become an
accepted way of life.
- Miss, could you help me.
- Why certainly sir, what
seems to be your problem?
- Well I've been using the
Charge a World Credit Card
for five years and I've
never missed a payment,
and all the sudden everyone's
refusing to honor my card.
- Well let's see what we can do,
now what is your name, sir?
- Robert Esterhouse.
- Esterhouse.
Ah here we are, Mr. Esterhouse.
Why, no wonder
you're having a problem,
sir, you're deceased.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some filing to do.
- Deceased, let me see.
No, I'm not dead, I'm alive.
Look here, see,
I'm standing here.
- What does it say on that card?
- It says deceased.
- Mmhmm.
- Miss, I wanna
see your supervisor.
- As you wish, sir.
Mr. Farnsworth, Mr. Farnsworth.
This is the late Mr. Esterhouse.
- I do wish we could've
met on a happier occasion.
- You don't
understand, I'm alive.
- May I see your card, please.
You're deceased.
Oh, that's funny, he's
dead gone just like that.
- He was so young.
- Never sick a day in his life.
- No, no no no,
I'm alive, I'm alive,
no Mr. Farnsworth I'm
alive I'm standing here,
you know what you can do?
You can take your
office and this dumb card
and your machine
and you can just stuff it?
- Congratulations,
Mr. Esterhouse, you are alive.
However you are now a woman,
and you owe us
seven million dollars.
- Could you just loan
me a couple of bucks?
- No but I'll take
you to dinner.
- Reservations, sir?
- Yes, someplace nice, quiet,
with checkered tablecloths,
you know.
We have had it up to here
Going back to where we came from
Someplace warm
and fresh and clear
We are going home
Sure the country is quiet but
at least we see the sunshine
Sure the country is boring
but the grass is green
Keep your smog
and keep your muggin'
Bring back air and bunny hugging
Great big beautiful
country here we come
We're going back home
- Well what do you
think of life in the big city?
- No thanks I'm
heading back to the farm.
- The farm?
- Yep, just me and old
Ruth, my hired hand.
- You and old Ruth?
It sounds a little lonely
just you and old Ruth.
- Well me and old Ruth
don't mind, eh Ruth?
- Ah, that's old Ruth, huh?
- Yeah, hey Ruth, what do
you say we mosey along?
- Your place or mine?
How you gonna keep em jolly
- Son of a gun likes
those big cities alright.
(funny music)
(wall crashing)
- I said I'd serve my
country and I were, I will.
- Father, father.
- Mmm.
- Oh, I didn't
know if you were...
I took some flowers
from my neighbor's yard
to give to my
girlfriend, is that a sin?
- No that's a bouquet,
you big dummy.
- Theresa?
- Mmm?
- I'm so glad that you're here.
- Thank you.
- As one proper
person to another,
can you tell me
what I can possibly do
to make this program
more tasteful?
- Have you tried leaving?
- My show, the new
Andy Griffith show,
I play the mayor of a small
town called Greenwood.
- Well are they gonna show it
in any other countries
around the world?
- Well right now we're
working on a deal
to show it in Israel.
Only problem is
they won't take it
unless we change the name
of the town to Greenberg.
(laughs)
- Alright, Simba.
Stay.
(audience laughs)
- Hi this is Lily Tomlin
and I'm visiting today
one of the thousands
of friendly neighborhood
Colonel Muck Money's
national hamburger franchises.
Here with me is the
manager, Mr. Frank Furter.
Gosh, Mr. Furter, that's gonna
make a nice yummy burger.
- It'll make ten hamburgers,
maybe 20 if I get
the steamroller fixed.
- Well they would be awfully
skimpy I would dare say.
- Colonel Muck Money
has a double burger,
we call it Lucky Muck.
- Oh it has twice as much meat?
- No, twice as much bun.
- Well tell me, is it true
that you sell over 10
million hamburgers a day.
- Right, that's over 30
pounds of meat you know.
- Oh, well I understand
that you use 100% beef.
- That's right, the colonel
has its own herds of cow,
we take very good
care of our cattle,
they aren't allowed to
be pinched or caressed
or touched, we just
allow 'em to die of old age.
- Well I've noticed too
that the employees
at Colonel Muck Money
seem so friendly and courteous.
- They better be, one of
them kids gets out of hand
I take him in back and make
him eat one of our french fries.
- Good thinking, well
there's quite a few customers
here today and there's a hubbub,
you must make a
tremendous profit.
- Well we do have
a big overhead,
about 20 dollars a day.
- Oh goodness, well
thank you Mr. Furter
and this is Lily
Tomlin reminding you,
Muck Money's is
your kind of place,
especially if you own the place.
- That's true.
- Mr. Chamberlain,
Mr. Chamberlain,
how often do people make
jokes about your height?
- Once.
- Isn't your mother
the Statue of Liberty?
(crashing)
- Hi there.
(cackles)
Dingbat, my little sunflower,
where have you been all my life?
- Well for the first
half I wasn't even born.
- No matter my sweet,
I'm usually better
in the second half.
Might as well use the first one.
(audience applauds)
- One thing about a
Spiro Agnew watch.
Every day at ten after three
has his hands over his mouth.
- Oh there you are.
- Yes.
- Oh father forgive me.
I shoplifted a dress last
week, but I returned it.
- Because you knew the
church would not approve?
- No, because it wasn't my size.
- Look it's finished
I made a table
out of our front door.
- This is a once
in a lifetime thrill.
- Oh it's a knock.
- Hi there, my
name is Casmudder,
I represent the Plume
vacuum cleaner company.
I wonder if you folks
would be interested
in a demonstration?
- Mr. Griffith, you
are so tasteful.
- I appreciate you saying so.
- And so clean.
- Well thank you.
- And wholesome.
- Well yes.
- And so very dull.
- I think I'll just
punch that old broad.
Baby have I got news for you
Baby have I got news for you
Baby our dream is coming true
Maybe the dream is coming true
It is hard to realize at
last we're gonna legalize it
Baby have I got news
for you, la la la la la
Daddy we're running
down the aisle
Daddy we better see a smile
It would be a rotten shame
if baby didn't get your name
Now daddy let's
shout out those I-Do's
La de da
Dearly beloved Laugh-In looks
at the news you stinkin' dad
I do, we did
- And now the Laugh-In news
with Mohammed Ali in training,
Mae West in effable,
George Murphy in retirement
and Moira
Breckenridge in between.
- Good evening, I'm Dan
Rowan with a special dateline.
- And I'm Dick Martin trying
to line up a special date.
- And now for the news.
Washington DC, 1981,
11 years from now.
The last remaining
republican senator
was defeated in
the recent election.
Spiro Agnew maintaining the
same post-election optimism
he has had since 1970 said
well we're really quite
happy with the results,
after all, we only
lost one seat.
- Tragedy struck off the
New York coast today
when the ferry to Fire
Island began to sink.
Above the urgent cry,
Women to the Lifeboats First
was heard the captain's
even more urgent cry,
"Step aside sweetie, you
heard what the man said."
- Archaeologists at the
Smithsonian Institute
have concluded that
a group of Hebrews
landed in America
3000 years ago.
However since on
October 12, 1492,
Columbus did not
report seeing any of them,
it is entirely possible they
were all in Miami Beach
for Columbus day.
- Warsaw, Professor
Ignat Silverman.
- Who is that?
- Professor Ignat Silverman.
- He's in the news again?
- Yes, old Ignatus.
After years of
dedicated research
today discovered one of
the causes of overpopulation.
Mrs. Ignat Silverman.
- Glad he figured it out.
Now here's our
top feature writer
with a couple of big ones.
- Ugh, golly, these
are the biggest ones
I have ever seen.
- Now, for a look
at the stock market
we switch you to our
man on Wall Street.
- Trading was mixed today
as industrials fluctuated
and utilities held steady.
However the Bronx is
up and the battery's down.
New York New York
- It's a wonderful town.
- President Nixon has
been trying to get a list
of the total number of
presidential commissions
now on the books.
However no one has been able
to give him the correct number.
_ Sir, could you tell me
exactly how many
commissions there are.
- Sir, there are between
150 and oh about 10 thousand
presidential commitments.
- There must be some way
to arrive at an exact figure.
- Well certainly, I'll get
a commission started
on that right away.
- Here's our reporter
covering a recent bombing.
- And now to peekaboo
nudist camp for the weather.
- Well here are the bare facts.
The winds will be taking
off at 50 miles per hour.
However the hot
sun will be behind us
so we can definitely
expect a cold front.
Ah, yes, the attire for
tonight's dinner is black tie,
however, if the
weather gets colder,
you may well wear
shoes, socks and earmuffs.
Eat your heart out America.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have no editorial,
so obviously there
will be no rebuttal.
- I beg to differ
as a qualified spokesman
for the opposition
I plan to rebut that.
- Well how can you be
opposed to something
that hasn't even been said?
- That's just it, I'm
sure a lot of people
feel the same way I do.
Any human who
doesn't can just shut up.
- Finally someone around
here made a little sense.
La da da da da
Dearly beloved
Laugh-In look at the news
- What it is.
- This is not my baby.
- That one's mine.
- This is not my child.
- If you kiss her,
you can wake her up.
You'll win her hand in marriage
and the whole kingdom.
- Hey she's dead.
- I didn't say it was
going to be easy.
(wall crashes)
(knocking)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Why do you call your
show the Andy Griffith show?
- Well we thought it
would be misleading
to call it the Doris Day show.
- Que sera sera.
(laughs)
- Now here are America's
most lovable lushes,
the Swizzlers.
- Hey Hanlon.
What's purple with green
eyes and orange stripes
and has little bitty hairy
things all over its head
and little twelve
little bitty short legs.
- I don't know, what is it?
- I don't know but it's
crawling down your neck.
(laughing)
- That's funny,
you know you're the best
drinking buddy I ever had.
- Ah thank you Hanlon.
- As a matter of fact,
you're the best buddy
I ever had.
- Thank you Hanlon.
- That's okay, pal.
Hey, why don't
we get out of here
and get us a couple
of broads, huh?
- Oh, thank you Lennon.
- You wanna leave a call?
- Father.
- Mmm.
- Father your sermons
put me to sleep.
- Well, we must remember,
the sermons are not
designed to entertain
so much as they
are intended, to...
(audience laughing)
- Unbelie-gaba-gabor.
- Pow, pow.
- Why Andy, whatever
happened to you?
My goodness, poor baby.
- Well Theresa I
went back to the farm
where I used to milk the cows
and pluck the chickens, y'know?
And I'd been away so
long I got the two confused.
- That's too bad.
- I know, I was
doing alright too.
Til that dern chicken
kicked me right off the stool.
- Well you got away lucky,
if that cow had
laid an egg on you
it would've been all over.
- Well even if he's
going to miss it it is...
- A ha!
- Oh, I'm glad you could make it
you're just in time
for the quickies.
- Well I just hope
you're telling the truth
because if this is another fraud
I'm gonna be pretty mad.
- What are you talking about,
what do you mean another fraud?
- On my way here tonight
I stopped off at
this nice little house
after I read the
sign, of course.
- What sign?
- Well it said come in and
see our beautiful model home.
- Oh I didn't know you
were looking for a house.
- I'm not looking for a house,
I was looking for a
model to see home.
(audience laughs)
I got stuck with some
guy selling real estate.
- Let's go to the quickie.
(lips smacking)
- Alright sir, your last name?
- Rabinowitz.
- And your Christian name?
- You jest.
- Hey what are you doing?
- I'm a peeping Tom
but I'm nearsighted.
Oh mom, I'm in the
wrong apartment.
(audience laughs)
- Do not remove
under penalty of law.
- I'm afraid you'll have
to come with me, sir.
(audience laughs)
(hammer knocks)
- Hi.
- I'm scared.
- You're off again, huh father?
- Yeah well.
- I'll tell you, for a priest
you really get around a lot.
- I guess you could say
I'm a roamin' Catholic.
- Father Andy,
go to your parish.
(smooching)
- Well Dicky, how'd
you like the quickie?
_ Well okay I guess,
but I like the
real estate better.
- Well now you're in
the real estate business.
- Yeah it's very gratifying,
you know yesterday
I got a lot for a Greek.
- What's a lot for a Greek?
- Well about a buck
and a half an hour?
- Ugh.
- You don't pay attention,
I've been telling
you that for weeks.
- My name's Edith Anne
and you know what?
Last night my mommy and
daddy had a stupid party.
There wasn't no clowns
and no balloons, no cakes.
There was just a
lot of smelly drinks.
And you know what?
Mr. Evans punched Mr. Bludhorn
for kissing Mrs. Evans.
I don't know why he did it.
He just done
kissing Mrs. Bludhorn
right on the back porch.
And he told me
not to tell nobody
and he gave me a
nickel and that's the truth.
- Take it from me,
to improve business conditions,
you have to explore
every avenue.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey lady,
hey lady, will you help me?
Will you please help me?
Will you take this
rotten thing off my neck?
- How come you're
chained to a post?
- Uh I'm somebody's dog.
- What do you mean
somebody's dog?
- I don't know how it happened,
I saw this ad in the paper,
elderly gentleman wants
companionship of a dog,
and I was out of
work so I took it.
- How could you be a man's dog?
- I don't know it
seemed easy at first,
I mean there I was, I'd
just roll around on his rug
and then he'd scratch my stomach
and then I had to
fetch his lousy slippers
and I'm so dog
tired I can't take it.
There was running after sticks
and then chasing
after tennis balls.
Look at that chip in my tooth,
see that's gonna send
me back 20 bucks.
(barking)
(car screeches)
And you know where
I'm going later today?
- No, where?
- He's sending me to
the vet to be clipped.
- But that's not too bad.
- It is if you're not a poodle.
(whimpers)
Thanks lady, 'cause
then I gotta get out of here,
I need a real job.
Can I borrow that newspaper?
- Sure, there.
- Oh thanks, I want to
look at the wanted ads.
Now what does it say?
Oh yeah, male
model, made of fur,
senior citizen nudie
film, must be bald.
No.
Oh here it is, busy organ
grinder needs assistant.
- Theresa, how would you
describe the no bra look?
- Well with most men it's a
sort of wild, bug-eyed stare,
you know with a lot of trippin'?
(laughs)
- I know what you mean,
I fell three times last week.
- But I'll bet you bounced
right back you little beauty.
- Right on.
(whimsical music)
(birds tweeting)
- [Narrator] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, dis...
- Well what about?
- Oh she's fine.
- Now I know you're.
- I don't know.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
goodnight David,
Anne Berson sends her love.
(audience claps)
- Hey Dick, you know
I can't understand
I drank 50 cans of
Metrical yesterday
and I didn't lose an ounce.
- A friend of mine...
I lost my place.
A friend of mine
had to see a doctor
'cause he thought he was a frog.
- What'd the doctor say?
- Well he told him
to take two flies
and call him in the morning.
- That reminds me of what
the vicar said to the chorus girl.
(laughs)
- Sadness is learning
that your new boyfriend
is a charter member
of the women's lib.
- Oh that's sad.
- I sure would like to
hear what the vicar said
to the chorus girl?
- Well he said.
- Hold it, hold it,
you can't do that.
- Is that what the vicar
said to the chorus girl?
- No that's what the
bartender said to the drunk.
- I've never seen a drunk vicar.
- Can we please get back
to what we were doing?
- Buddy, that's what the
chorus girl said to the vicar.
- Now isn't that a
little irrelevant, Alan?
- She said that too.
- Oh do you know
that my landlord
won't let me have a dog
so I got a pet snake.
- How do you
like the little thing?
- I just love it
except that it takes him
three hours to get my slippers.
- I wonder why my foot
keeps falling asleep.
- Oh well maybe
you have dull toes.
- Only 12 of them.
- My doctor has
such nice manners,
when he took out my appendix,
he used a knife and a fork.
- If you crossed a
stripper with a banana
what would you get?
- A banana that peels itself?
- No you'd get a
girl that tastes good
with sugar and cream.
- You know I know a
girl who was so popular
that when she got a tattoo,
the tattoo artist was arrested
for defacing public property.
You know when they
find a levama caste
to her arrest it'll be a
mammoth undertaking.
- Is that what the chorus
girl said to the vicar?
- Wrong.
- There is no proof, no proof
to the rumor that Margo
Fontaine has danced Swan Lake
so often that she
has webbed feet.
- I bought a book called How
to Housebreak Your Puppy.
It was very useful,
yeah every day
I just tear a page
out of the book
and put it on the floor.
- See now you're back
to what the chorus girl
said to the vicar?
- Say goodnight, dick.
- No, but you're close.
(kazoo music)
(glass shattering)
- Father, at a party last night
I told a rather risque story.
Father?
Father?
- I'm just the cleaning lady
but let's hear the story anyway.
- Mr. President, I have a
State of the Union report
for you.
If we all just do
as you want us to
then we all be
true to Mr. Agnew,
that's you, President Agnew.
- That's all, folks.
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- I just loved you in that
movie, A Face in the Crowd.
- That was Andy Griffith.
- Oh yeah, but you were
really good in Andy of Mayberry.
- No that was Andy Griffith.
- Of course, but I just loved
you in The Mayor of Greenwood.
- No Barbara,
that's Andy Griffith.
- Well then who are you?
- I'm Dorothy Provine,
and I've never done
a Laugh-In before.
(audience laughs)
And maybe then I'll
know what kind of fool
I is
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is not really a lion.
It's a tiger, gone hippie.
- So Andy on your new
show, you play a mayor, right?
Is your town
anything like Burbank?
- Well it used to be
til we put in sidewalks
and the bowling
alley burned down.
- No use, we don't
stand a chance
against them
Indians, we're finished.
- Oh no, no not yet, I'll
pull out my secret weapon.
Here, hold my piece,
don't get it all sweaty.
(audience laughs)
- No work, take it off,
put on Charlie Barnett.
At least maybe we can dance.
- We had a secret weapon once
and it worked just about as well
as that one is going to.
(laughs)
Boy that is stupid.
- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC the nebbish
broadcasting company
fails to find an escape clause,
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the
well-founded Dan Rowan
and the completely
lost Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
everybody's favorite mare.
- That's mayor.
- Andy Griffith,
and Arte Johnson, with
Ruth Buzzi, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann
Elder and Barbara Sharma,
plus terrific, talented
tawny Theresa Graves,
and me, I'm Gary Owens
reminding you that this
is National Earth Week,
take a cloud to dinner.
And for anyone has bills to pay,
please return it, because
Bill looks ridiculous bald.
Here's another question
for Shell's answer man.
- Ugh, alright, Herman,
how did you get that
lipstick on your collar?
- [Narrator] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
- Father.
- Uh huh?
- Father we were playing ball,
and I hit the ball, and I
broke the stain glass window
at the church, what should I do?
- Well my son, next
time choke up a little
and step into the ball,
you'll get better distance.
- Hey but father, then I
might break the window
in the Episcopal church.
- See you next week, slugger.
(audience laughs)
- I knew Ken Berry
when he was a nobody.
I knew Don Knotts
when he was a nobody.
I knew Jim Nabors
when he was a nobody,
and I'm sure looking forward
to meeting Dick and Dan.
(audience applauds)
- Good evening everybody.
- You'd think we're Rossi
& White or something.
- They have us confused with
someone else, that's obvious.
Hey I'd wonder if
you'd do a favor for me.
- Certainly.
- I promise you won't regret it,
but you scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours.
- Oh scratch your back?
Glad to.
- No, no, no that's
not what I mean.
- Oh a little higher, huh?
- No come on, that's
not what I mean.
If you do me a favor,
I'll do you a favor,
you know, like one
hand washes the other.
- Well alright, which one
of your hands is dirty?
- That doesn't really mean
that I want to wash my hands,
it's just an old saying,
it's not to be taken literally,
my back doesn't itch.
- Well not anymore, I just
got through scratching it.
- You must have heard
these old cliches before,
like the early bird
catches the worm...
- You want me to get
a worm for your bird?
- No.
- A bird for your worm.
- No.
- A worm for your worm?
- Oh come on, I
don't want a worm,
I'm trying to tell
you these phrases
don't mean what they say,
they're to be interpreted.
- Oh you mean like
a blue hippopotamus
never falls on a Monday.
- That's silly.
- Oh yeah what day is it?
- Monday.
- You see any blue hippopotami?
- No.
- There you go.
- Well I really had in mind
better known samples,
like don't count your chickens
before they're hatched.
- I didn't know you
had any chickens.
- I don't have any chickens.
- Well then what do you
want me to count 'em for?
- I don't want you to
count any chickens...
- Okay, count 'em yourself,
but do it before they're
hatched, much faster.
- It might even be faster if
we just forgot the chickens
and went on to the party, I
don't need them for the party.
- Good, you know the
old saying, early to bed.
- What's that got to do with it?
- Nothing really, I'm just
warming up for the party.
(jazzy dance music)
- They say it's
very stylish today
if you're wearing
a six button suit.
Heck, I got that many
on my underwear alone.
(jazzy dance music)
- Sure, I've experienced
some prejudice,
but heck, I can't like everyone.
- Nick Boomer here,
I just played tennis
with Mickey Rooney,
what a great sport.
To congratulate me
when he lost the game
he jumped under the net.
- There is no truth to the rumor
that Jackie married
Erry for his body.
- You know until very recently
a run-off vote down south,
meant that if a black
man tried to vote,
somebody'd run him off.
- I just found out the
dollar is worth only 73 cents,
that means I am losing
27 cents every half hour.
- Woo, hard as a rock.
I just finished a two-week
study of pornography in films,
would've lasted
longer, but the usherette
threw me out of the theater.
- You know Boomer, I went
to a fabulous diplomatic party
at the embassy last night,
you should've been there.
You know what happened?
When they brought the
dinner in on flaming swords,
three Egyptian
generals surrendered.
- My agent Irving Lazar
finally got me a lead in a movie.
Of course, it's a
low-budget film
but they're going to
have a world premiere
just as soon as they get the
film back from the drug store.
(audience laughs)
- You know Theresa,
to increase community
understanding,
I went down to a hippie
commune to get everything
out in the open, but
when I got down there
I found they already had
everything out in the open.
- I love housework and I'm
really terrific in the kitchen.
- Mmm, good, let's
skip the housework
and go right to
the kitchen then.
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile, during the
seventh inning stretch.
- The economy is the
business of the president,
and if he doesn't start taking
care of business pretty soon,
there won't be any
business to take care of.
Get on the stick, hick.
- A psychologist
said people think
about sex every 20
minutes, that's ridiculous.
Five more minutes to go.
- Now a number by
the Four Seasons,
featuring Spring
Byington, Elke Sommers,
and Johnny Winters.
Wait a minute, what
happened to the fall?
Thank you.
- You're Jack
Cassidy aren't you.
- That's right.
- Hi, a pleasure.
I understand that you're
appearing on the highlights
of the Ringling Brothers Circus
on January 29 on NBC.
- That's right, and
I'll be the lion tamer.
- Oh you must be
a real animal lover.
- Just a second, I only
agreed to tame them.
- Were you tall like that
when you were in kindergarten?
- Yes.
- Well what'd your
teachers call you?
- Mr. Chamberlain.
- Please, Miss Lawrence,
reconsider and do
the TV commercial.
- Never, you forget
that I am a great star.
I mean what will people think?
How about my fans,
how about my friends?
- Pays ten thousand dollars.
- How about tomorrow?
- Then you'll do the commercial?
- I don't know, I
mean look, look
at these letters, they're
from my thousands of fans.
Oh I could never disappoint them
by doing television.
They worship me, they
adore me, they love me!
- Fifteen thousand.
- Who needs them?
- You'll enjoy doing
the commercial.
- Oh now, I haven't
agreed to do it yet.
I mean I could never
lend my name to a product
that I have never used.
Oh, denture adhesive?
- Twenty thousand.
- Great stuff.
- Then you'll do the
commercial, Miss Watson?
- Oh yes, yes, but only
because, unlike myself,
many of my fans are toothless.
- You mean you
have your own teeth?
- Well of course.
- Well I'm sorry I'm afraid
we won't be able to use you.
- Oh well I'll have them pulled.
- Impossible, we
start filming tomorrow.
- Oh, well I'll get
a pair of pliers.
- No.
- Well I mean, I'm a
fast healer, gum-wise.
- I'm sorry, but
truth in advertising
requires the performer be
qualified to endorse a product.
We do have another item.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Maidenform bras.
- Foiled again.
- According to a recent survey,
there are 250,000 American
woman who are pregnant,
and those figures are
getting bigger every day.
(sliding whistle)
- What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?
- Andy, how is your new show
going to differ
from your last one?
- Well this one's
going to be a hit.
- You better not say
hit around here, Andy.
- Are you sliding?
- Father.
Oh, oh oh, I'm sorry.
Father, I sprained my ankle.
- Well that's not a sin.
- Good, I can kick her again.
- Can I ask you a
personal question?
- Go ahead?
- Who makes your buttons?
- You know you're
in a small town
when the sign in the barbershop
says one chair, no wait.
(sneaky music)
- Hey Andy we want
to ask you something.
- Yeah Andy, do you
think black is beautiful?
- Well yes, and no.
- The cream, um, The
Cream by Demf Tailersoil
Many fails have
temped the grape,
large grobels that
stuck their morgels
straight up into
the norbel abes,
not to hear a single
person zipping on the soil,
and the quarckel fleps
that stood there nipping
away at the babablutz.
Not one was ever stensifiled,
not one the day he craved,
and that's how the horse died.
- Tonight on the Modern World,
we're gonna take a
look at life in the big city.
- Really, which one?
- Oh we're not just
picking one out,
life in the big city's all
pretty much the same
wherever you are.
Same problems,
traffic, smog, crime.
- Yeah and the worst
of all is rudeness.
- Yeah I suppose.
- You know it's time
something was done
about the rudeness
problem in our big cities.
Rudeness, rude rude rude.
- You think they're
different, big cities are rude?
- Big cities, just
watch I'll show ya.
I'll tell you what, just
pretend I'm behind a counter,
and you just come in,
ask for a pack of cigarettes.
- You're behind the
counter I come in.
- Just come in and ask me.
- Can I have a pack
of cigarettes, please?
- Okay, pal, what do you want?
- I just said I'd like
a pack of cigarettes.
- Hold on, will ya, I
only got two hands.
- I just want a
pack of cigarettes.
- Well I'm not
gonna give 'em to ya.
- You're out of cigarettes?
- No 'cause this is a bakery,
we don't have any cigarettes.
What do you want
a hot cross bun?
We're in business,
otherwise get lost.
See?
- That's a bad example,
that's rude though,
you're right about that.
- You think that's rude,
pretend I'm a waiter.
- You're a big city waiter.
- Big city waiter in a certain
restaurant on Broadway.
And I'm going by ya.
- A no-name restaurant.
- You just call me.
- Okay, waiter.
- Don't yell at me, Buster.
Waiter, waiter, I got a
perfectly good name.
- I don't know your name.
- I got feelings, you
know, cut me, I bleed.
- Look, I just wanna
order my lunch.
- Well don't look at me,
it's not even my station.
Why don't you go
and get a hot cross bun
across the street at the bakery?
- You told me you
were my waiter.
- See how rude they can be?
Besides, it's lonely,
you can't meet any girls.
- In a big city?
Oh now that's not
true, that's not true,
you're probably
not doing it right.
I don't know about
getting a waiter,
I've seen those waiters.
You wanna meet
a girl in a big city,
all you have to do
is be a little polite,
the change will be refreshing.
Look, here comes
a beautiful girl.
- Is she pretty?
- She doesn't know
you, you don't know her,
you got no one to introduce you?
- She's cute though,
she's in a miniskirt?
- Beautiful girl, okay
she's in a miniskirt.
- Good, good, good.
- Now she's gonna walk by,
and you're gonna invite
her to dinner and the theater.
- Dinner and the theater?
- Or theater and the dinner.
- Okay, either one, okay.
- And you do it, and tell
her you're a stranger in town,
you don't know anyone, okay?
- Okay.
Hey baby, your place or mine?
- Aw, what kind of
girl's gonna go for that?
- I don't know, but I'm
willing to wait for one.
- Let's take a look at
Laugh-In's world of Big City.
Grab your hat and drop your plow
Going to the great big city
Pull your fingers off the cow
Going into town All
them beautiful people
Bumping into one another
All them beautiful buildings
Standing in a row Oh, oh, oh
Gonna see a saving bank
They got one on every corner
Gonna see a painted
cow One on every block
We'll eat southern fried chicken
In a bucket from Maypearl
We've got Anywhere you go
Swing your partner, do-si-do,
go to see a nudie show
Not a feather beater club,
hair below and hair above
If you're walking out the dog
Please avoid the city park
If you're dancing down a street
Careful of the folks you meet
What do freeways really prove
All those cars that never move
No one owns a horse or
hoe but everybody's gotta go
And we can sing a country
song even in the great big city
Maybe we can sing
along when we get to town
All them beautiful ladies
Wearing skirts
that hit their ankles
All them beautiful
fellas looking like a girl
Ain't it fun and ain't it purty
Ain't it fun and wild and pretty
Great big beautiful
city here we come
We're going to town
- Our city is a large group
of crowded, harassed people
bound in on all sides by
crowded, harassed people.
- The water in
New York is so bad
that waiters are required by law
to wash their hands immediately
after washing their hands.
- As a mayor on my new show,
I embark on a program
to give my townspeople
a taste of city life.
So maybe each night
I'll sneak out to the park
and mug one of them.
- 'Scuse me.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Don't think so.
(coughs)
Wait a minute, do that again.
- Do what again?
- That cough.
(coughs)
Do you live at 1424 5th avenue?
- That's right.
- Oh sure, apartment 38C,
I'm 38D, your neighbor.
- Hey.
- What do you wanna do now?
- I don't know, I'm bored
with doing the same old thing.
- I've got an idea,
let's build a tree-house.
- Oh what's a tree-house?
- Well it's a
platform up in a tree.
- Oh, what's a tree?
- Well it's a thing that
sticks out of the pavement
you know with oranges
and apples hanging on it?
- What are apples?
- And oranges?
- Gee, don't you guys
ever watch television?
- Anything else, sir?
- That's it.
My goodness, that's steep,
all I had was one martini,
a steak, baked potato,
apple pie and coffee and
you charge me $35.00?
- Those are our normal prices
here at the Chez Bruno
in New York City, sir.
- Well back home
in Peoria, Illinois,
I could go in the finest
restaurant in town
and have the exact
same meal I just had
and it wouldn't cost
me but five dollars.
- Yes but don't forget,
when you walk out
of that restaurant,
you're still in
Peoria, Illinois.
- Very interesting but too true.
Toot, toot, tootsie, goodbye.
- There are many ways
an innocent country girl
in the big city
could get into the
gilded life of easy virtue.
Try one, if it doesn't
work, try another.
- Well honey, did you have
a good day at the office?
- Well I managed to
get some thinking done,
I got stuck in an
elevator for six hours.
- Oh good going dummo,
thanks for the flowers,
where'd you get
'em, the city dump?
- I'm sorry they got broke,
must've happened in the taxi?
- Oh taxi, thanks
a lot el spendo,
why don't you take
the bus once in a while?
- I tried, I got hit by a
taxi on the way to the bus?
(carnival music)
Oh come on honey,
forget it, what's for dinner?
- Nothing, just forget
about dinner, nothing.
The gas company's on strike
and they didn't fix the stove.
All I do is decorate.
- Ah that's okay, we'll
call up Chicken Surprise
and have them
send something over.
- Oh Chicken Surprise, whoopee.
- Well it's always a surprise.
That's good enough, hon.
- Well you'll never get 'em
cause the phone's out of order.
- Phone dead, the
gas strike, wild parties.
- Shut up!
- Ah, hey it looks
better that way.
Let's just forget the
whole thing, stay home.
We'll open a bottle of champagne
and maybe fool
around a little huh?
- Oh boy, have I
got bad news for you.
The champagne's hot
and I'm not even warm.
- Think I'll go take a shower.
- Listen kids, we'll be
back with more of our look
at life in the big city
after these uplifting words.
- Raquel Welch.
- What ho?
- How now?
- E'en so?
- How so?
- So so.
- Not so.
The winnowed thrunions
flushed its farthingale.
- So.
- So, 'tis knees must now
adjoin our fartal's blench.
- So?
- So our minnows
failched the malch
into thiddle fahal millions.
- Of what do thee speak?
- Of this I speak,
gentlefolk I now betake
profound apology to make,
we've had this talk
and now in its wake
comes this boring station break.
- That's better, have this
shaved and sent to my chamber.
- Methinks the
varlet's out of his skull.
- Methinks full well, the
time for the station break
has fell, that's swell, mmm.
(audience laughs)
- Because this program
was pre-recorded
your laughs will be delayed.
- On January 29 on Ringling
Brothers Circus Special
I will climb into a cage
with a ferocious lion,
and as an extra
added attraction,
three seconds later, I
will thrill the audience
by screaming, yelling, and
calling out for my mother.
City people never smile
Guess it ain't the latest style
Peptic ulcer's all they
get sitting by their TV set
Like strawplex ain't that dumb?
Uh what's a condominium?
I don't think your town's so big
When you call policemen pig
You don't go to great expense
To doing thing that
don't make sense
Bring your tie you'll hop in bed
With Bob and Carol
and Alan and Ted
- I heard about one small town
where the government
came in and offered them
20 million dollars for
slum improvement,
but they didn't have a slum,
so the government
built them one.
- Golly, the highways around,
every big city are most
crowded on summer weekends
when all the people from
the city drive to the beach
to get away from all
the people from the city.
To dream
- I know a guy who
gets mugged every day
when he walks through the park.
- Then why does he keep
doing it, the big dummy?
- It's his job, he's a cop.
- The city is where
people feel an urgent need
to find a little spot
with grass and trees
so they can build
a parking lot on it.
(cars honk)
- Boy I'll tell ya, these
skyscrapers are sure something,
those people look like ants.
- Those are ants, you idiot,
we're only on the first floor.
- One big city has
just made a study,
and they've come up
with an ingenious method
to increase traffic
speed by 50 percent.
It's called walking.
(cars honking)
- I don't know why people say
New Yorkers are insensitive.
Why just the other day I
saw a man get hit by a truck,
and everybody passing by
was real careful
not to step on him.
- In big cities today,
the use of credit cards
has become an
accepted way of life.
- Miss, could you help me.
- Why certainly sir, what
seems to be your problem?
- Well I've been using the
Charge a World Credit Card
for five years and I've
never missed a payment,
and all the sudden everyone's
refusing to honor my card.
- Well let's see what we can do,
now what is your name, sir?
- Robert Esterhouse.
- Esterhouse.
Ah here we are, Mr. Esterhouse.
Why, no wonder
you're having a problem,
sir, you're deceased.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have some filing to do.
- Deceased, let me see.
No, I'm not dead, I'm alive.
Look here, see,
I'm standing here.
- What does it say on that card?
- It says deceased.
- Mmhmm.
- Miss, I wanna
see your supervisor.
- As you wish, sir.
Mr. Farnsworth, Mr. Farnsworth.
This is the late Mr. Esterhouse.
- I do wish we could've
met on a happier occasion.
- You don't
understand, I'm alive.
- May I see your card, please.
You're deceased.
Oh, that's funny, he's
dead gone just like that.
- He was so young.
- Never sick a day in his life.
- No, no no no,
I'm alive, I'm alive,
no Mr. Farnsworth I'm
alive I'm standing here,
you know what you can do?
You can take your
office and this dumb card
and your machine
and you can just stuff it?
- Congratulations,
Mr. Esterhouse, you are alive.
However you are now a woman,
and you owe us
seven million dollars.
- Could you just loan
me a couple of bucks?
- No but I'll take
you to dinner.
- Reservations, sir?
- Yes, someplace nice, quiet,
with checkered tablecloths,
you know.
We have had it up to here
Going back to where we came from
Someplace warm
and fresh and clear
We are going home
Sure the country is quiet but
at least we see the sunshine
Sure the country is boring
but the grass is green
Keep your smog
and keep your muggin'
Bring back air and bunny hugging
Great big beautiful
country here we come
We're going back home
- Well what do you
think of life in the big city?
- No thanks I'm
heading back to the farm.
- The farm?
- Yep, just me and old
Ruth, my hired hand.
- You and old Ruth?
It sounds a little lonely
just you and old Ruth.
- Well me and old Ruth
don't mind, eh Ruth?
- Ah, that's old Ruth, huh?
- Yeah, hey Ruth, what do
you say we mosey along?
- Your place or mine?
How you gonna keep em jolly
- Son of a gun likes
those big cities alright.
(funny music)
(wall crashing)
- I said I'd serve my
country and I were, I will.
- Father, father.
- Mmm.
- Oh, I didn't
know if you were...
I took some flowers
from my neighbor's yard
to give to my
girlfriend, is that a sin?
- No that's a bouquet,
you big dummy.
- Theresa?
- Mmm?
- I'm so glad that you're here.
- Thank you.
- As one proper
person to another,
can you tell me
what I can possibly do
to make this program
more tasteful?
- Have you tried leaving?
- My show, the new
Andy Griffith show,
I play the mayor of a small
town called Greenwood.
- Well are they gonna show it
in any other countries
around the world?
- Well right now we're
working on a deal
to show it in Israel.
Only problem is
they won't take it
unless we change the name
of the town to Greenberg.
(laughs)
- Alright, Simba.
Stay.
(audience laughs)
- Hi this is Lily Tomlin
and I'm visiting today
one of the thousands
of friendly neighborhood
Colonel Muck Money's
national hamburger franchises.
Here with me is the
manager, Mr. Frank Furter.
Gosh, Mr. Furter, that's gonna
make a nice yummy burger.
- It'll make ten hamburgers,
maybe 20 if I get
the steamroller fixed.
- Well they would be awfully
skimpy I would dare say.
- Colonel Muck Money
has a double burger,
we call it Lucky Muck.
- Oh it has twice as much meat?
- No, twice as much bun.
- Well tell me, is it true
that you sell over 10
million hamburgers a day.
- Right, that's over 30
pounds of meat you know.
- Oh, well I understand
that you use 100% beef.
- That's right, the colonel
has its own herds of cow,
we take very good
care of our cattle,
they aren't allowed to
be pinched or caressed
or touched, we just
allow 'em to die of old age.
- Well I've noticed too
that the employees
at Colonel Muck Money
seem so friendly and courteous.
- They better be, one of
them kids gets out of hand
I take him in back and make
him eat one of our french fries.
- Good thinking, well
there's quite a few customers
here today and there's a hubbub,
you must make a
tremendous profit.
- Well we do have
a big overhead,
about 20 dollars a day.
- Oh goodness, well
thank you Mr. Furter
and this is Lily
Tomlin reminding you,
Muck Money's is
your kind of place,
especially if you own the place.
- That's true.
- Mr. Chamberlain,
Mr. Chamberlain,
how often do people make
jokes about your height?
- Once.
- Isn't your mother
the Statue of Liberty?
(crashing)
- Hi there.
(cackles)
Dingbat, my little sunflower,
where have you been all my life?
- Well for the first
half I wasn't even born.
- No matter my sweet,
I'm usually better
in the second half.
Might as well use the first one.
(audience applauds)
- One thing about a
Spiro Agnew watch.
Every day at ten after three
has his hands over his mouth.
- Oh there you are.
- Yes.
- Oh father forgive me.
I shoplifted a dress last
week, but I returned it.
- Because you knew the
church would not approve?
- No, because it wasn't my size.
- Look it's finished
I made a table
out of our front door.
- This is a once
in a lifetime thrill.
- Oh it's a knock.
- Hi there, my
name is Casmudder,
I represent the Plume
vacuum cleaner company.
I wonder if you folks
would be interested
in a demonstration?
- Mr. Griffith, you
are so tasteful.
- I appreciate you saying so.
- And so clean.
- Well thank you.
- And wholesome.
- Well yes.
- And so very dull.
- I think I'll just
punch that old broad.
Baby have I got news for you
Baby have I got news for you
Baby our dream is coming true
Maybe the dream is coming true
It is hard to realize at
last we're gonna legalize it
Baby have I got news
for you, la la la la la
Daddy we're running
down the aisle
Daddy we better see a smile
It would be a rotten shame
if baby didn't get your name
Now daddy let's
shout out those I-Do's
La de da
Dearly beloved Laugh-In looks
at the news you stinkin' dad
I do, we did
- And now the Laugh-In news
with Mohammed Ali in training,
Mae West in effable,
George Murphy in retirement
and Moira
Breckenridge in between.
- Good evening, I'm Dan
Rowan with a special dateline.
- And I'm Dick Martin trying
to line up a special date.
- And now for the news.
Washington DC, 1981,
11 years from now.
The last remaining
republican senator
was defeated in
the recent election.
Spiro Agnew maintaining the
same post-election optimism
he has had since 1970 said
well we're really quite
happy with the results,
after all, we only
lost one seat.
- Tragedy struck off the
New York coast today
when the ferry to Fire
Island began to sink.
Above the urgent cry,
Women to the Lifeboats First
was heard the captain's
even more urgent cry,
"Step aside sweetie, you
heard what the man said."
- Archaeologists at the
Smithsonian Institute
have concluded that
a group of Hebrews
landed in America
3000 years ago.
However since on
October 12, 1492,
Columbus did not
report seeing any of them,
it is entirely possible they
were all in Miami Beach
for Columbus day.
- Warsaw, Professor
Ignat Silverman.
- Who is that?
- Professor Ignat Silverman.
- He's in the news again?
- Yes, old Ignatus.
After years of
dedicated research
today discovered one of
the causes of overpopulation.
Mrs. Ignat Silverman.
- Glad he figured it out.
Now here's our
top feature writer
with a couple of big ones.
- Ugh, golly, these
are the biggest ones
I have ever seen.
- Now, for a look
at the stock market
we switch you to our
man on Wall Street.
- Trading was mixed today
as industrials fluctuated
and utilities held steady.
However the Bronx is
up and the battery's down.
New York New York
- It's a wonderful town.
- President Nixon has
been trying to get a list
of the total number of
presidential commissions
now on the books.
However no one has been able
to give him the correct number.
_ Sir, could you tell me
exactly how many
commissions there are.
- Sir, there are between
150 and oh about 10 thousand
presidential commitments.
- There must be some way
to arrive at an exact figure.
- Well certainly, I'll get
a commission started
on that right away.
- Here's our reporter
covering a recent bombing.
- And now to peekaboo
nudist camp for the weather.
- Well here are the bare facts.
The winds will be taking
off at 50 miles per hour.
However the hot
sun will be behind us
so we can definitely
expect a cold front.
Ah, yes, the attire for
tonight's dinner is black tie,
however, if the
weather gets colder,
you may well wear
shoes, socks and earmuffs.
Eat your heart out America.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have no editorial,
so obviously there
will be no rebuttal.
- I beg to differ
as a qualified spokesman
for the opposition
I plan to rebut that.
- Well how can you be
opposed to something
that hasn't even been said?
- That's just it, I'm
sure a lot of people
feel the same way I do.
Any human who
doesn't can just shut up.
- Finally someone around
here made a little sense.
La da da da da
Dearly beloved
Laugh-In look at the news
- What it is.
- This is not my baby.
- That one's mine.
- This is not my child.
- If you kiss her,
you can wake her up.
You'll win her hand in marriage
and the whole kingdom.
- Hey she's dead.
- I didn't say it was
going to be easy.
(wall crashes)
(knocking)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Why do you call your
show the Andy Griffith show?
- Well we thought it
would be misleading
to call it the Doris Day show.
- Que sera sera.
(laughs)
- Now here are America's
most lovable lushes,
the Swizzlers.
- Hey Hanlon.
What's purple with green
eyes and orange stripes
and has little bitty hairy
things all over its head
and little twelve
little bitty short legs.
- I don't know, what is it?
- I don't know but it's
crawling down your neck.
(laughing)
- That's funny,
you know you're the best
drinking buddy I ever had.
- Ah thank you Hanlon.
- As a matter of fact,
you're the best buddy
I ever had.
- Thank you Hanlon.
- That's okay, pal.
Hey, why don't
we get out of here
and get us a couple
of broads, huh?
- Oh, thank you Lennon.
- You wanna leave a call?
- Father.
- Mmm.
- Father your sermons
put me to sleep.
- Well, we must remember,
the sermons are not
designed to entertain
so much as they
are intended, to...
(audience laughing)
- Unbelie-gaba-gabor.
- Pow, pow.
- Why Andy, whatever
happened to you?
My goodness, poor baby.
- Well Theresa I
went back to the farm
where I used to milk the cows
and pluck the chickens, y'know?
And I'd been away so
long I got the two confused.
- That's too bad.
- I know, I was
doing alright too.
Til that dern chicken
kicked me right off the stool.
- Well you got away lucky,
if that cow had
laid an egg on you
it would've been all over.
- Well even if he's
going to miss it it is...
- A ha!
- Oh, I'm glad you could make it
you're just in time
for the quickies.
- Well I just hope
you're telling the truth
because if this is another fraud
I'm gonna be pretty mad.
- What are you talking about,
what do you mean another fraud?
- On my way here tonight
I stopped off at
this nice little house
after I read the
sign, of course.
- What sign?
- Well it said come in and
see our beautiful model home.
- Oh I didn't know you
were looking for a house.
- I'm not looking for a house,
I was looking for a
model to see home.
(audience laughs)
I got stuck with some
guy selling real estate.
- Let's go to the quickie.
(lips smacking)
- Alright sir, your last name?
- Rabinowitz.
- And your Christian name?
- You jest.
- Hey what are you doing?
- I'm a peeping Tom
but I'm nearsighted.
Oh mom, I'm in the
wrong apartment.
(audience laughs)
- Do not remove
under penalty of law.
- I'm afraid you'll have
to come with me, sir.
(audience laughs)
(hammer knocks)
- Hi.
- I'm scared.
- You're off again, huh father?
- Yeah well.
- I'll tell you, for a priest
you really get around a lot.
- I guess you could say
I'm a roamin' Catholic.
- Father Andy,
go to your parish.
(smooching)
- Well Dicky, how'd
you like the quickie?
_ Well okay I guess,
but I like the
real estate better.
- Well now you're in
the real estate business.
- Yeah it's very gratifying,
you know yesterday
I got a lot for a Greek.
- What's a lot for a Greek?
- Well about a buck
and a half an hour?
- Ugh.
- You don't pay attention,
I've been telling
you that for weeks.
- My name's Edith Anne
and you know what?
Last night my mommy and
daddy had a stupid party.
There wasn't no clowns
and no balloons, no cakes.
There was just a
lot of smelly drinks.
And you know what?
Mr. Evans punched Mr. Bludhorn
for kissing Mrs. Evans.
I don't know why he did it.
He just done
kissing Mrs. Bludhorn
right on the back porch.
And he told me
not to tell nobody
and he gave me a
nickel and that's the truth.
- Take it from me,
to improve business conditions,
you have to explore
every avenue.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey lady,
hey lady, will you help me?
Will you please help me?
Will you take this
rotten thing off my neck?
- How come you're
chained to a post?
- Uh I'm somebody's dog.
- What do you mean
somebody's dog?
- I don't know how it happened,
I saw this ad in the paper,
elderly gentleman wants
companionship of a dog,
and I was out of
work so I took it.
- How could you be a man's dog?
- I don't know it
seemed easy at first,
I mean there I was, I'd
just roll around on his rug
and then he'd scratch my stomach
and then I had to
fetch his lousy slippers
and I'm so dog
tired I can't take it.
There was running after sticks
and then chasing
after tennis balls.
Look at that chip in my tooth,
see that's gonna send
me back 20 bucks.
(barking)
(car screeches)
And you know where
I'm going later today?
- No, where?
- He's sending me to
the vet to be clipped.
- But that's not too bad.
- It is if you're not a poodle.
(whimpers)
Thanks lady, 'cause
then I gotta get out of here,
I need a real job.
Can I borrow that newspaper?
- Sure, there.
- Oh thanks, I want to
look at the wanted ads.
Now what does it say?
Oh yeah, male
model, made of fur,
senior citizen nudie
film, must be bald.
No.
Oh here it is, busy organ
grinder needs assistant.
- Theresa, how would you
describe the no bra look?
- Well with most men it's a
sort of wild, bug-eyed stare,
you know with a lot of trippin'?
(laughs)
- I know what you mean,
I fell three times last week.
- But I'll bet you bounced
right back you little beauty.
- Right on.
(whimsical music)
(birds tweeting)
- [Narrator] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
- Time to say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, dis...
- Well what about?
- Oh she's fine.
- Now I know you're.
- I don't know.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick,
goodnight David,
Anne Berson sends her love.
(audience claps)
- Hey Dick, you know
I can't understand
I drank 50 cans of
Metrical yesterday
and I didn't lose an ounce.
- A friend of mine...
I lost my place.
A friend of mine
had to see a doctor
'cause he thought he was a frog.
- What'd the doctor say?
- Well he told him
to take two flies
and call him in the morning.
- That reminds me of what
the vicar said to the chorus girl.
(laughs)
- Sadness is learning
that your new boyfriend
is a charter member
of the women's lib.
- Oh that's sad.
- I sure would like to
hear what the vicar said
to the chorus girl?
- Well he said.
- Hold it, hold it,
you can't do that.
- Is that what the vicar
said to the chorus girl?
- No that's what the
bartender said to the drunk.
- I've never seen a drunk vicar.
- Can we please get back
to what we were doing?
- Buddy, that's what the
chorus girl said to the vicar.
- Now isn't that a
little irrelevant, Alan?
- She said that too.
- Oh do you know
that my landlord
won't let me have a dog
so I got a pet snake.
- How do you
like the little thing?
- I just love it
except that it takes him
three hours to get my slippers.
- I wonder why my foot
keeps falling asleep.
- Oh well maybe
you have dull toes.
- Only 12 of them.
- My doctor has
such nice manners,
when he took out my appendix,
he used a knife and a fork.
- If you crossed a
stripper with a banana
what would you get?
- A banana that peels itself?
- No you'd get a
girl that tastes good
with sugar and cream.
- You know I know a
girl who was so popular
that when she got a tattoo,
the tattoo artist was arrested
for defacing public property.
You know when they
find a levama caste
to her arrest it'll be a
mammoth undertaking.
- Is that what the chorus
girl said to the vicar?
- Wrong.
- There is no proof, no proof
to the rumor that Margo
Fontaine has danced Swan Lake
so often that she
has webbed feet.
- I bought a book called How
to Housebreak Your Puppy.
It was very useful,
yeah every day
I just tear a page
out of the book
and put it on the floor.
- See now you're back
to what the chorus girl
said to the vicar?
- Say goodnight, dick.
- No, but you're close.
(kazoo music)
(glass shattering)
- Father, at a party last night
I told a rather risque story.
Father?
Father?
- I'm just the cleaning lady
but let's hear the story anyway.
- Mr. President, I have a
State of the Union report
for you.
If we all just do
as you want us to
then we all be
true to Mr. Agnew,
that's you, President Agnew.
- That's all, folks.