Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 20 - Episode #4.20 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- All right, Richard
Nixon's story, scene 12.
Cue the Red Sea.
(laughter)
- Gladys.
- Mmmm?
- You are poetry in motion.
- Oh, why do you say that?
- 'Cause you walk
like Rod McKuen.
(laughter)
- I'm not gonna waste my time.
- Oh, hit me.
- Oh, I don't believe
we've ever been introduced.
- I, um, I'm Marcello
Mastroianni.
- Oh, no, no, I never extend
myself physically to strangers.
Thank you.
- It's better. Much better.
(laughter)
- Someone asked me
how to pronounce Marcello
Mastroianni backwards.
And I told them, you can't.
It's already backwards.
(laughter)
- Constant she frequented.
She went and sat on the glass.
She went and
sat and she bent it.
I heard... (gives a
startled exclamation)
- Oh!
- Oh, no, no, no trepidation.
- Oh.
- No cause for fear.
This is one of those pauses
that creates warmth and
friendship and masses
that benefit by our portrayals.
- Oh.
- (Clears throat) Ormphby.
- Um?
- Will you help me
in my hour of need?
- Oh.
Oh, of course.
Now is the hour (clears throat)
- Well, can you
spare five minutes?
(laughter)
Only three seconds, really.
(laughter)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the neuralgic
broadcasting company
ignores its pain in the neck
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring nimble Dan Rowan
and numbo Dick Martin.
And Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and Barbara Sharma.
Plus, Teresa Graves.
And me.
I'm Gary Owens, with
these words to pet lovers.
Don't make love to my pet.
(laughter)
- Mmm.
Huh, mom mia.
(laughter)
(beep)
Mama mia.
Those are some... (laughter)
(beep)
Mmm.
Mama mia, that's a'
some a' spicy meatball.
- Ah, look, Harry, you're
supposed to taste them first.
- It's meatballs.
(oven door screeches open)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
Makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Oh, Senior Mastrioianni,
I just love your new movie,
The Pizza Triangle.
- Thank you, thank you.
Listen, you are just
the girl I'm looking for
to make my next one.
- (gasps) Oh!
Oh, me?
A movie?
- No, my next pizza.
- Oh!
(comedic
reverberations) (laughter)
(comedic whistle)
- And then the waiter yelled,
"Hold the Pizza Triangle.
"Make it a drama of
jealousy and other things."
(laughter)
And now, here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(smash)
- Hello, Claudine Long-jet.
- Oh, it's Longet.
The T is silent in French.
- Oh, yes, of course, how
stupid of me to for-gay.
(laughter)
- Hey, aren't you Don Knotts?
- No, I'm Louis Nye-zer.
- Oh, oh, oh,
you're Louis Nizer.
I loved your book,
My Life in Court.
(laughter)
- I want to destroy you.
(crushing) (laughter)
- Ladies and
gentlemen, Roman and...
What? (laughter)
Roman and Marvey.
Rowan and Marty.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin.
- How 'bout Marcello?
He can't even say
Rollan and Marvin.
(uproarious cheering
and applause)
- How you doin'?
Kinda takes your whole eyeballs.
Now please, please.
(enthusiastic
cheering and applause)
(men laugh)
Ah...
Oh, what a machine.
- I'll tell ya.
- What a machine.
Action, cut.
- I'm glad we came
out again. (laughs)
- Oh my gosh, I am too.
Such an unbridled enthusiasm.
- Dear me.
- Good evening.
- Speaking of unbridled,
there's something
different about you.
- Oh, I'm happy you noticed.
- Yes, you're putting
on a little weight.
- I am not either. (laughter)
All I have done is to grow a...
- Of course, you...
Oh, you're a bit
taller, you grew.
- Oh, what's happened is that...
- Ah, please speak
more clearly, Dan.
The beard is
muffling your speech.
- Oh, ho, ho, I'll try.
- Incidentally, is that
a permanent fixture?
- No, it's a beard.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- I'll let you know if I'm
gonna keep 'er or not.
- You wanna hold it down,
I'm trying to read here.
- You know, I want to ask you.
I've seen you with that book
now for a couple of weeks.
What is that book?
You've been taking a
course in something,
or what is all that?
- Well, it just happens to be
Finsterwald's Fount
of Little Known Facts.
- Ah, and you're looking
something up here, eh?
- Yes, matter of fact I am.
Certainly not.
I'm reading my book. (laughter)
- Back to reading your book.
- Why, certainly.
I'm trying to find sailboats.
- Sailboats?
- It's under W, W, W, W.
- Sssailboat's under W?
- No, but the wind
does, my goodness.
Did you ever try
to sail without it?
Wind.
- Wind for a sailboat.
- Y-N-D. W-E-I-Y-D.
- Yes, I, no, no, I, I, I...
- Wind.
For wind you look under Y.
- No.
- For why didn't I
buy a motor boat.
- Ah, that's why
you still got the wind.
What's it say about sailing?
- Tells how sailboats began.
One day, this caveman
was rowing his dug-up canoe.
- No, no. Dugout.
- No, his dug-up.
His girlfriend wanted to
go boating, and he said,
"I'll dig up a canoe somewhere."
(laughter)
- He dug up an old
joke there, didn't he?
- Oh, not quite.
(laughter)
- He almost dug up an old joke.
- But, while he was
rowing, his shirt got wet.
- His shirt got wet?
- And so he stuck it up
on the, on the (laughs)
on the stick.
- On the stick?
- To dry in the wind.
- Now we got a wet shirt
hangin' on a stick in the wind.
- To dry in the wind.
- Yes.
- Well now, he was amazed.
- Was he?
- He said, "I'm amazed!"
- By golly. (laughter)
- See, I told you he
said, "I'm amazed."
- You were right.
- Right, now look
how fast I can row
with my shirt off, he said.
- Is that what he said?
That's quite a book.
- Well, everything's right here.
Whales, whales.
- Whales.
- You look under H.
- H for whales?
- H for whales, yes.
Harpoons, you see.
(laughter)
A whale's always under
a harpoon, going ahhh.
- Who put that harpoon in me?
I should've known that.
- Well, I guess you should.
Tells all about my
famous whaling uncle.
- You have a whaling
uncle? (chuckling)
- I don't do bad myself, but eh.
(laughter)
It's my whaling
uncle Moby Martin.
- Moby Martin?
- Yeah, he was the
greatest whale hunter
in all of Cleveland.
- There aren't any
whales in Cleveland.
- Well, not anymore.
Uncle Moby got 'em all.
(laughter)
- He's a whaler, huh?
- Oh, he's gone now, though.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Died of an
overdose of blubber.
- Overdose of blubber?
- Yep, whale fell on him.
- Oh, just took something
and whaled to death.
Well, I don't need a
whale to fall on me.
You know, it's
time for the party.
- Oh, party, I'll look
it up under Z, Z, Z.
- Z for party?
- Yes, xylophone.
What good's a
party without music?
(lively music)
- I'll say astrology
is a bunch of bunk.
My horoscope said Avoid
Women with a Passion.
Ha, that's the only
kind that are any good.
(lively music)
- Oh! (whistles)
Oh, it's late.
I better be leavin'.
I gotta stop foolin' around
and get back to work
and stop foolin' around.
(lively music)
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Annie.
- You know, the War
in Southeast Asia
really has Vietnam torn apart.
- It's not doing real
well in this country.
(lively music)
- I know one couple whose
love life has vastly improved
at the Masters and
Johnson Sex Institute.
- (laughs raucously)
Oh yeah, whose?
- Masters and Johnson.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
- Poor baby.
(lively music)
- Hey, what would you
say to a guy if he got fresh?
- Take me home.
- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Your place or mine?
(lively music)
- You know, ABC's really
outdone themselves, Copper, yeah.
- Well, yeah.
- This season, they created
a show called The Immortal
and 13 weeks later, it died.
(lively music)
- I hate men.
They set you up in an
apartment, buy you a car,
a few jewels, and some furs.
The first thing they know,
they think they own ya.
(lively music)
- Excuse me, Tootsie, but
do you have a hairbrush?
- Yes, I do.
- Why don't you use it?
(lively music)
- You know, one of our
policemen is a real practical joker.
- No?
- I mean, every time we
arrest a bottomless dancer,
he chills the seat
in the paddy wagon.
(lively music)
- Later, when she
was fully clothed.
(lively music)
- People have compared
me to Greta Garbo.
We both haven't
worked for years.
(lively music)
- (Laughing) Marcello,
baby, boom, boom, boom.
(laughter) (drum beats)
Hard as a rock.
(laughter)
Listen, now that you're
over here stateside,
I want you to come over
to my house for dinner.
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- Oh, not at all.
It's the only Italian gesture
NBC would let me make.
- That's a no-no.
- Wrong.
- Long.
- Wrong.
- Long.
- Wrong.
(upbeat music)
(clanging of cash register)
(explosion)
- Johnny Brown, look at you.
If you get any more pudgy,
you're gonna be your
own minority group.
- Hey, come on, Teresa.
We better stick together, baby.
- Okay, but when people see
you walkin' down the street,
they're gonna say, "Here
comes the neighborhood."
(laughter)
- Ca-cha, ca-cha, ca-cha.
(playful music)
- Mr. Mastro, ah, Marcell.
- Mmm-hmm.
- What, the thing...
You know what, I'm so...
You have something.
There's something so...
It's something that just ex...
It's, it just...
It's from every single pore.
It just, it just comes.
It's so fan...
It's such a sexy
kind of, you know.
And I think, when I think
of La Dolce and, and Eight,
and all those, and
Sophia, and Anita Ek...
You know, when you
were in the wa, in the...
And you were ho...
And you had party
card, and you take...
There's just so...
I mean, you have
so ma... You just...
It's, it's an
over, it's a can...
I mean, yesterday, today,
and there's Sophia Lor...
It's so fantastic, and you
give her a little, you know,
and you hold...
Each, each, it's
Claudia Cardin...
Ah, Monic... and
now Pizza Tri...
With the Monica...
It's so, I mean, a
man... It's so fan...
You're so at...
You have such a...
It's a raw, it's such
a, it's so, it's really...
It gives me kind-of
a tri... (bird tweets)
It's a thing that,
it... (bird tweets)
It makes me, I,
I... (bird tweets)
It's a kind...
It could only happen in America.
(laughter)
- I've been asked to give
my opinion of Laugh-In
in 15 words or less.
- [Man] That's 15 words.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Here's
Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(comedic clanging)
- Boy, oh boy.
- Don't you call me boy.
- I'm sorry, sir.
(perky music)
(smash)
(escalating comedic echoes)
- All right, all right,
now you say hub.
- Hub.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Hubba.
- Hub-ah.
- Now, two times.
Hubba, hubba.
- Hubba, hubba.
- Thanks.
(laughter)
- That little Italian
beauty is a definite winner.
Ya, ha.
- Oh no, now say it.
Now say hubba, hubba.
- In this position?
- No, no.
(laughter)
- Claudine, you've met
Marcello Mastroianni.
What's he really like?
- Oh, he likes little
French bonnets.
- Are you positive?
- No, I'm Catholic.
(laughter)
- I recognize your outfit.
You are all made up for our
mod world look at aviation.
- Oh yes, I always say
aviation is the only way to fly.
- As long as you
always say that.
Do you know what
makes an airplane fly?
- Certainly, the pilot.
(laughter)
- Well, no, not exactly.
- Stewardess.
- Oh, she doesn't
make the plane fly.
- She sure made
the trip fly by for me.
(laughter)
- Oh, I was referring...
What makes it
possible for 200 people
to climb onto a 747 and
actually be lifted off the ground?
- Aha, you mean the tickets?
(laughter)
- I really had no idea you
knew so much about flying.
- Oh, it's because of my
little guide to little known facts.
Let's see.
- Flying, flying.
- Flying.
Finsterwald's
Fount of Knowledge.
- Finsterwald's Fount.
What do you look under, flying?
- Flying is under J.
- For?
- J, J.
- For?
- For Jumbo Jet,
you see. (laughter)
- Jumbo Jet.
- This is modern flying, uh-huh.
- Yes.
- Tells about the
first man to fly.
- Um?
- First man ever to fly.
- One of the Wright brothers.
- Wrong.
- Wasn't one of
the Wright brothers?
- No, it was Hiram
L. Fagencranz.
(laughter)
- Fa, Fag, France?
- Fagencranz, and he's
of Binginham, New York.
- I'm glad he
lives that far away.
- Yeah, who in the
spring... (laughter)
- Yeah, sprung.
- Who in the spring of 1874...
- Yes?
- Covered his entire
body with feathers.
- Oh.
- Flapped his arms
and leaped off a cliff.
- My word.
- Flying a distance of 79
feet, nine and 1/2 inches.
- Amazing.
- Yes, nine and 1/2 inches
out and 97 feet whooo.
(laughter)
- I'm sorry to hear.
That's a shame.
- Not really.
- Not really?
- He saved the feathers
and later became...
- Oh, good.
- He came in first in a Phyllis
Diller look-alike contest.
- Well, it wasn't a total loss.
You really have an
amazing knowledge
of the history of flight.
- Well, it comes...
- Doesn't have anything
to do with the actual
history of flight.
- Oh no, but I have
an amazing knowledge.
- Yeah.
- Actually, it comes
quite naturally, you see.
- How's that?
- My Uncle Orville Martin.
- I should have known
you had an Uncle Orville.
- Uncle Orville, he was one
of the great pilots of all time.
- I don't believe you've ever
told me about Uncle Orville.
- Dear me, he's famous!
- Is he?
- He invented the barrel
roll, the loop-the-loop.
- He was a stunt flier.
- No, he was a pilot
for Air Burbank Limited.
(laughter)
- Air Burbank Limited?
How many planes did they fly?
- They didn't have any.
That's why they were limited.
(laughter)
All they had was
a 39 Humpmobile.
- [Dan] Humpmobile?
- But, for some reason or other,
they never got
it off the ground.
- Hard to believe that,
but speaking of
getting off the ground,
we'd better get
aboard Laugh-In's look
at the mod world of aviation
before it take off without us.
- Well, okay, if Uncle
Orville's at the controls,
I'll bet our luggage winds
up on the Tim Conway Show,
and we never see it again.
- Well, fasten your seat
belt, and here we go.
Well, it isn't
much of an airline
Two small planes
and one of 'em flies
But we'll guarantee that
you'll have an adventure
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines takes to the sky
Whoo, what a surprise
We suggest you
buy some insurance
It's the smartest
thing you can do
We're not fast and
really not terribly careful
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines heads for the blue
Whoo, such a to-do
Though it isn't exactly a 747
It's loaded with
legroom and cheer
And each pilot and
stewardess think it is habit
To belt down a barrel of beer
We're good drinkers here
Say goodbye and
pick up your ticket
We've had several printed today
So if you dig danger
And you've got a death wish
It's Burbank Terminal
Airlines, up and away
Hey, whatta you say
Oh, our motto has always
been Fly Now, Pay Later
It's best when you
pay now, then fly
If you're lucky, your
pilot's a great aviator
Who taught Charles
Lindbergh to fly
He's usually high - I'm high.
Our planes were built
by the Wright boys
So of course, they're
technically sound
And it's like a scene
from a werewolven movie
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines gets off the ground
We're Hollywood bound
Where the bad
and the beautiful gal
Of Burbank Terminal Airlines
Finally gets off the
ground Anchors away
- Rah.
- I'm flyin' to Los Angeles.
How can I be sure
my bags'll get there?
- Oh, that's simple.
Just check them
through to Cleveland.
- Ooooooh.
Aaahhh.
- [Pilot] Welcome aboard
Burbank Terminal Airlines
Holiday Flight to Cleveland.
Nonstop, assuming of course,
that my horoscope is wrong.
(laughter)
- Miss? Stewardess?
- Yeah?
- Could you tell me where
the restrooms are, please?
- Oh, yeah, we usually
use the Shell station
on the corner near the freeway.
- Hey Lily, you know,
yesterday my mother flew
in one of those gigantic 747s.
You know, I'm amazed how
such a huge, ponderous thing
could get off the ground.
- It is a big plane.
- Plane? Plane?
I'm talkin' about my mother.
(laughter)
(lively music)
- More and more people are
flying helicopters nowadays.
Unfortunately, most
of them are soldiers.
- One of the great aviation
pioneers was Leonardo da Vinci.
He created the first plans
for a craft designed to fly.
(comedic whistle)
- Now, Mr. da Vinki.
- That's a da Winki.
You call me Leonardo.
- Oh, Mr. Leonardo dee Winki,
what was the principle
of your airplane design?
- Well, it was a
powdered by a spring.
Ah, there's only one problem.
- Oh, what was that?
- Well, the spring
ran dry, ho ho.
(laughter)
Ooops, sorry about that.
- Yeah, a little
turpentine will fix that.
- It's good for you.
- Actually, um...
- Someday, however,
the people are gonna fly
and they're actually
gonna eat in the sky.
Already painted
a picture about it.
- Really, what's it called?
- Last Supper, ho.
Ho, ho, better do one there.
- Yeah, I see, um, Mr. do
Winki, is this your first design?
- No, my first set of
plans fell out a window.
Made history.
- Oh, how was that?
- Well, it was the world's
first plans crash, ho, ho, ho.
That's a three for da Winki.
And Leonardo Soma Speesee
Marsees Speedaboysee.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
but that was terrible.
- Okay, you make-a da jokes.
- Tell me now,
do you think your latest
set of plans will really fly?
- Sure, you watch these.
(comedic whistle and explosion)
Oh, it's a back to the
drawing board for ole da Vinki.
(laughter)
- Oh, that's dee Winki.
- Vinki, Winki, my
plane is a stinky.
(lively music)
(upbeat music)
(crash)
- [Pilot] Welcome
aboard Flight Number One
of Burbank Terminal Airlines
with accommodations in
first class, second class,
third class, economy,
and steerage.
What goes up Must
come down - As a result
of certain unfortunate
atmospheric disturbances,
we must temporarily suspend
Laugh-In's look at aviation.
However, we will resume
our regular program
after showing the following
atmospheric disturbances.
(explosion)
(playful music)
Airlines are really
worried lately.
Seems they're losin' money
quicker than they're
losin' luggage.
(laughter)
- And that's the truth.
(laughter)
- Considering the vissitudes
contingent upon the
blucenary fixation,
adventidious to this emprise,
I would hazard the preseesence
that the station breakers
is amisily about to make us
the station breakees.
(thunder)
Darn you, Red Baron.
(laughter)
- Well, Harrison,
we have finally trained
all of our employees
to recognize potential hijackers
by any signs of
excessive nervousness
or other erratic behavior.
- Right, sir.
- How's it working out?
- Ah, well, not so good, sir.
We've just arrested two
junketing congressmen,
a pregnant stewardess,
and Laurence Harvey.
(lively music)
- I believe in flying
the friendly skies,
but when you see your pilot
and copilot holdin' hands,
that's a bit much.
(lively music)
- (groans) There.
- Oh, may I help you, sir?
- Yeah, I'd like
one ticket to Hawaii.
- All right, your
ticket will be $98
and for excess
luggage, an extra $126.
- $126, that's more than
the price of the ticket.
- I'm afraid so, sir.
- Well, in that case, I'd
like a ticket for my wife, too.
(woman gasps)
- It's no laughing matter,
but the United States
has the deadliest Air Force
in the world.
But it figures, we've got
the deadliest air in the world.
(laughter)
- [Pilot] Welcome
aboard Flight Number One
of Burbank Terminal Airlines.
We will be flying at over
34 feet, but don't worry,
last night I was cruising
at an altitude of five 11
in high heels.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
will be coming in for a landing
in a few minutes.
In the seat back pocket, you
will find a small pocketbook.
Would you please
open to page 67,
and we will all sing
hymn number 502.
Thank you.
- You know, I've been
living near airports all my life,
and sonic booms have
never bothered me.
- Why not?
- What?
(lively music)
- Naomi, we can't go
on meeting like this.
- Hello, I'm your pilot,
Captain Kangaroo,
and this will be a short hop.
This is your
stewardess, Miss Fits.
We're now ready for take-off.
Miss Fits.
- Thank you.
Welcome aboard the
first supersonic flight
from New York to London.
We will be moving faster
than the speed of sound.
In other words, as we
travel forward this way,
our sound will be left
behind us that way.
Thank you.
(jet engine roaring)
- It's a beautiful
plane, isn't it?
- Don't forget, it's brand new.
- What's new?
- Oh, nothing much.
Same old grind, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry.
- [Man] I'm hurrying
as fast as I can.
- If you close your eyes,
I'll give you something
good in a second.
- Oh, okay, what's
good in a second?
- Oh, I say a saddlesore
looks good in a second.
What are you picking?
- I wasn't picking;
I was scratching.
- [Man] You can
just keep scratching.
I'll be out in a second.
- I already miss New York.
Did you know that's
where I'm from?
- No, what part of
New York are you from?
- Queens, and it's miserable.
I hate Queens.
- Well, by Gad, if
that's the way you feel
about the royal family,
then I say fie and
tooey on Mr. Nixon.
- Oh.
- [Man] Mr. Nixon?
Why didn't you say so?
I'll be right out.
America, America God
shed His grace on thee
Off we go to wild
and blue yonder
So it's contact,
give her the gun
Grab your scarf and your goggles
The cockpit is open
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines heads for the sun
Oh, isn't this fun
When the bad and
the beautiful gal
Of Burbank Terminal Airlines
Finally heads for
the sun Bombs away
(bomb falling and exploding)
- Well, that was our look
at the mod world of aviation.
Do you think your Uncle
Orville Martin would have like it?
- Well, I don't know, he's
so busy now, you know.
- Is he?
- He's in the Asian
pottery curio business.
- That sounds interesting.
- It is.
Yesterday he made a
three-winged Oriental urn.
- What's a three-winged
Oriental urn?
- Oh, about a buck
and a half a flight.
(laughter)
- Now, tell me
truthfully, Marcello.
What has Sophia Loren
got that I haven't got?
- Well, truthfully, Gladys,
she's got the same thing,
but the things are in...
in different...
places.
(laughter)
(handle squeaking)
(comedic whistle)
- Guinness, you know,
it's amazing how
President Nixon got elected
without tellin' us exactly
what he planned to do.
- Mmm-hmm, yeah, and
now that he's in there,
we still don't know.
- Well, let's just hope
he runs again in '72.
At least then he'll have
to tell us what he's done.
- Yeah, shouldn't take long.
- Got a minute?
(laughter)
(comedic music)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want,
because I'm gonna have a baby.
You know how you can get a baby?
First, you could get real fat.
Then, you could
eat a lot of pickles.
Then your daddy puts
a lot of clothes in the car
and gets real nervous
and can't find the keys,
and then the policeman
gives you a ticket,
and you take the
ticket to the hospital,
and they give you
a little baby boy.
And that's the truth.
(gentleman with
hat clears throat)
- Can I help you?
- Oh yes, I happen to have
$100,000 in cash with me,
and I'd very much like to
open an account at your bank.
- Do you have an
account with us?
- You don't understand.
I want to open an account.
- (Sighs) Ah, all right.
What is your last name?
- Well, my name
is Frank Boxworth.
- Now, I distinctly asked
you for your last name.
- Boxworth, Frank.
Now look, I have
this hundred thou...
- Boxworth, you have to
go to the A to K window.
- This is the A to K window.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, you see, I have
this $100,000 in this case.
- $100,000?
Why, you shouldn't carry
$100,000 around the street
with you like that.
- I know, that's why...
- That's a lot of
money to carry around.
- I know, that's why I came
here to deposit it with you.
- I see.
- Do you have $1,000,
and make it quick.
- Here you go.
That's all right.
Now, can I help you?
- Oh, oh, you just gave
my $100,000 to that thief.
- Oh, that's too bad.
You should've
put that in a bank.
- Then you'd better
fly this bank to Cuba.
- Very interesting.
But, they shouldn't
be playing with guns.
Believe me, I know, whew.
- Oh, Mr. Mastroianni,
I've admired you
from afar for years.
- Thank you for
both the compliment
and the distance.
- (gasps) Oh, you're a mean.
But you're beautiful, oh.
- Sure I am.
(comedic music)
- Looks good.
- Ugh.
Ugh.
- He's late today.
- There are two things I
really love about this country.
And both of them belong...
to Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
- He says he doesn't
speak English.
I understand every move.
(whistle)
(explosion of escaping air)
(comedic squeak)
- Dick, you should always
give your girlfriend something
to remember you by.
But make sure she
doesn't name it after you.
Who wants a puppy named Dick?
- Who's Dick?
(laughter)
- What are you
dressed up like that?
What is all that stuff?
What are you doin' that for?
Why are you dressed like that?
- None of your business.
(laughter)
- Okay.
- [Announcer] And now,
here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(birds chirping)
- Marcello, do you like Italian
women or American women?
- Oh, yes.
- Boy, Marcello really
speak bad English.
- No, Claudine, you
mean bad English.
- No, I mean bad English.
Haven't you seen
any of his movies?
(laughter)
Bad English.
- Could we get to the
quickies, I'm double-parked.
- Quickies?
- No, you're not
either double-parked.
I saw your car when I came in.
- No, I mean I brought
two cars tonight.
- How could you drive
two cars to the studio?
- Well, I drove one car here,
and then I went back
and got the second car.
- Well, how'd you get back home?
- With the first car.
(laughter)
- All right, that's how you
got the second car here.
How did you get
the first one here?
- I told you, I drove
it out here first.
- But then you drove it
home to get the second car.
- Well, that explains
why I couldn't find
it in the parking lot.
(laughter)
- Dick...
- I better call the police back.
(laughter)
That's a shame; now he's
gonna miss the quickies.
- I show you some quickie.
(comedic whistle)
(rattle of reel)
(comedic squeak)
(laughter)
(playful music)
- Ah, do you know
anything about chokes?
- Certainly do, ma'am.
- I know a guy who can hold
his breath for over an hour.
But there's one problem.
He can only do it once.
(laughter)
- How's it going?
- Oh, terrific, boss.
The casino is jammed.
- Good.
- Especially the poker tables
with the two topless dealers.
Ha, ha, they
haven't lost a hand.
- I knew it would work.
- Work? I'll say.
It's the first time I ever saw
two pair beat a full house.
(laughter)
- Pssst.
You wanna see a fantastic trick?
- Yeah!
- Abracadabra.
- Hey, that's some
spicy meatballs.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(applause)
- See, I have hit
on the solution
to the bumper bending problem.
We construct the bumper
out of cheese and crackers.
- Ha, ha.
- Then the bumper is hit,
the cheese absorbs the shock
so no one's hurt, you see?
- Of course I see, but what
purpose do the crackers serve?
- Dummkopf, little dummkopf.
Whoever heard of
cheese without crackers?
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but opportuniministinic.
(laughter)
Didn't think I could
say it, did you?
Opportuminiministicic.
(laughter)
(explosion)
(playful music)
(loud kiss)
(pop)
- Oh.
Fresh.
- You tell me about quickies?
(boat horn blaring)
- So long, lucky.
(playful music)
(comedic whistle)
(rattle of reel)
(comedic squeaking)
(playful music)
- Find your car?
- Mm, did I find my car!
- You probably...
- Three of 'em.
- You found three of them?
- Yeah, one back down...
- I don't wanna ask about that.
Did you get to see
any part of the quickies?
- As always, as always,
Raquel Welch and Sophia
Loren were unbelievable.
- Ah, ha, ha, Raquel
Welch and Sophia Loren
were not in the quickies.
- I know, but aren't
they unbelievable?
(laughter)
- And now, here's Marcello.
- Marcello, I want
you to say what I say.
Look at the camera.
- Hum?
- Look at the
people; they love us.
- Uh.
- Say sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
You say it. (Marcello mumbles)
What?
- It's not dangerous?
- It's not dangerous.
No, say sock it to me.
- Sacatoomee.
- Faster.
- Sacatoomee.
- Faster, yeah.
- Sacatoomee, sacatoomee,
sacatoomee, sacatoomee,
sacatoomee, sacatoomee...
(laughter and applause)
That's funny.
Marcello can't even
say socket, socket...
Socket to on me.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(comedic whistle)
- Claudine, your voice
is so soft and wonderful.
I just love it.
- Well, thank you, I'm
really glad you love it.
- Say something to me in French.
- Um, (speaks in
foreign language)
- Mmmm, that's lovely.
What does it mean?
- Bug off, little fella!
(laughter)
- [Announcer] And now,
here is Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(crash)
(rattle)
- This is like a
miracle, you know?
- For me, too.
- Is it?
- At this partial score, three.
- I'm getting weaker
by the minute.
My little knees are
kind-of trembling.
- [Man] Are they really?
- Oh, this isn't for real.
- We're forgot for long time.
I am, I am, I am very
dangerous, careful.
- I don't believe this.
- Mmm... My mother too.
- I really don't, I mean,
it's just human beings, but...
- I am human beans.
- Not quite.
- Beans? Beans?
Beans, where the beans?
I like very much, beans.
(laughter)
- Later that same evening,
the handsome stranger
turned to the mysterious lady
and whispered...
- Ah, what did you...
Ah, what did you
think, Marcello?
What did you think the
first time you saw Laugh-In?
- Oh.
I don't understood Laugh-In.
- You didn't?
- No.
- You didn't understood nothing?
- Was beautiful, was
very beautiful, really.
I want to see again.
- Yes.
- 'Specially I want
to see mine, now.
(laughter)
I don't understood, no.
I remember a German
soldier that he, he appeared.
- Yes.
- Always.
- Yes.
- And I don't
remember you at all.
- When was this that
you were watching,
that you don't remember me?
(laughter)
- But, I think was
destiny to meet you.
Now.
(laughter)
- Tell me, do you
love around here?
- Oh. (laughs)
No, Claudine, you mean,
do you live around here.
You don't know your English.
- No, I mean, do you
love around here?
You don't know your French.
(laughter)
- (laughs) Ah, this
chickie knows her cookies.
(laughter)
(chokes)
Hello, Johnny Hi,
Teresa (Teresa giggles)
Got a trip I'm gonna lay on you
What's the question
What's the answer
Ask me nicely I
will tell you true
- I love that (energetic music)
What's the news
from the neighborhood
Where's the news
from the neighborhood
Gimme some news
from the neighborhood
Good news, bad news,
funny news, sad news
What's the news
I've gotta lot of news
To tell your Mamma
I gotta lot of dirt
Have a little
mission Listen to me
Listen, I've got the news
from the neighborhood
The bad news from
the neighborhood
The filthy news from
the neighborhood
Gimme that, I'm
gonna tell ya like it is
What's the news
from the neighborhood
Where's the news
from the neighborhood
Here's the news
from the neighborhood
Da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, dee-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
At the news Richard News Daniel
Time to Dick and Dan (applause)
- [Announcer] And now, it's
time for the Laugh-In News.
Chiang Kai-shek in
I Am Furious Yellow,
Georgie Jessel in
Thomas's Promises,
Kate Smith in Twelve
Chairs, (laughter)
Dan Blocker in A
Man Called Horse,
and Howard Hughes
in Gone with the Wind.
- And this is Dan Rowan,
carrying on for Dick Martin,
who is in Los Vegas.
- And this is Dick
Martin, in Los Vegas,
who's just carrying on.
- I'm completely lost.
- New York.
300 construction
workers were injured today
at a speech given by
Vice President Agnew.
When they cheered his remarks
by throwing their
hard hats in the air.
(laughter)
- Would give you a headache.
News of the future,
New York, 1991.
The United Nations today
met in an emergency session
over the growing hostility
between its only
remaining member.
A motion was made to
withdraw from the UN,
but it was tabled by a
vote of one to nothing.
(laughter)
Authorship of the
controversial Russian book
Khrushchev Remembers,
purportedly written
by Nikita Khrushchev,
was investigated by
the Russian government.
When asked if he had written
the book Khrushchev Remembers,
Khrushchev replied,
"I can't remember."
(laughter)
- Oh, hmm, um, TV host
David Frost retaliated
against radical
leader Jerry Rubin
for disrupting Mr. Frost's
shows several weeks ago.
Today, David Frost broke
into a rally Rubin was having,
forced him to the wall, and
made him put on a clean shirt.
(laughter)
- Please stay tuned
for this late flash.
- Ohhhhhhh-Ohhhhhh.
- Now to Pauline Rhetoric
for an in-depth interview
with one of America's most
forthright political figures.
- Pauline Rhetoric, here
in the governor's office.
Is it true, Governor,
that you recently claimed
the American public
to be indecisive?
- No, that is not true.
- Then, how do you explain
the widespread reports
that you did?
- Okay, then it's true.
(laughter)
- Now, you think
this was a good idea
to call the public indecisive?
- Definitely, a good idea.
- Even now, when we
all need encouragement.
- Maybe it wasn't a good idea.
- Governor, do you
realize you've been making
contradictory remarks
throughout this entire interview?
- I have not.
- But you have.
- Okay, if you say it's true,
I'm not gonna be
the one to deny it.
- Thank you, Governor.
- Now, for this helpful hint.
- Threaten to make
her walk home.
Da, da Da, da,
da-da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da-da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da-da, da,
da, da Da, da-dee, da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
News La, da, dee-da, da, da News
- Hello, friend.
This is Chaplain Bud Homely
here with the thought for today.
Be happy with what you have
and don't seek after
what others have.
For remember, a bird in the
hand is worth two in the bush.
(chicken squawks)
Thank you.
(laughter)
(egg smashes)
Thank you.
(egg smashes)
Thank... (egg smashes)
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Oh, you know Mr. Nye,
a lot of men are gonna
be pretty miserable
when I finally decide to marry.
- Oh, Gladys, gee, how many
men do you intend to marry?
- Ooh.
(comedic reverberations)
- Help me.
- [Announcer] And now,
here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(birds chirping)
(cash register chiming)
- Mr. Mastroianni.
- Hmmm?
- I've always wondered.
Why are Italian men
all such good lovers?
- Well, I am a-sure
it's the spicy food.
(laughter)
You see, after a big
Italian dinner, we go...
We go right to bed, but...
we can't sleep.
And so, it's just
question of the digestion.
What I say?
- Pauline, how did the French
ever get such a reputation
as lovers?
(loud kiss)
(pop)
Oh, I see.
- Simple.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Breck,
makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Mr. Mastroianni, I've
seen all of your pictures.
I think they're quite
sexy and rather tasteless.
- Well, why do you keep going?
- I happen to like
that sort of thing.
- Well, it's time to ah...
- You know, I'm getting
used to that growth.
- Dick, you don't refer to
a man's hirsute adornment
as growth.
- I was talking about the beard.
- So was I.
Do you like it?
- Well, I like it better than
I did earlier in the show.
- I guess it grows on you.
- Not on me, it doesn't.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(laughter and applause)
- Hey, Dick!
- [Dick] Yeah?
- You know, duck-billed platypuses
make strange bedfeathers.
- You've sure gotta hand it to
the Internal Revenue Service.
If you don't, they'll
come and take it anyway.
- Lock it.
- We tried, but they
come and took it anyway.
- I'm so angry with myself.
I had a real sexy
dream last night,
but I slept all the
way through it.
- I know a California doctor
who is a self-made man.
Before he operated on
himself, Dick, he was a woman.
- Oooh, you know, Dan,
it just occurred to me,
you've got to treat
a car like a baby.
- [Dan] Why is that?
- Well, you keep it
clean, worry about gas,
and if it leaks, be patient.
(laughter)
- Nicholas, Nicholas,
what are you doing here?
Are you outta your bird?
(laughter)
- Well, what sings hymns
and plays in the mud?
- I don't know, what?
- Fred Waring and
his Pennsylvania pigs.
(pig grunting)
- My neighbor is so cheap
that when her canary died,
she tied it on
the end of a stick
and used it as a feather duster.
- Oh, listen, Dan.
What would you give a
gal who has everything?
- Penicillin.
It's good for colds
and everything.
- Hey, do you
know the difference
between a sexy lady
and a boiled turnip?
- No, I don't.
- Okay, then you
can have the turnip.
- You know, if God
had meant us to smoke,
He would have set us on fire.
- You're cute.
- Thank you.
- You know, people claim
there are no new frontiers left
for man to conquer.
- Yeah, what about Raquel Welch?
- What about Fred Waring
and his Pennsylvania pigs?
- Yeah.
(tires screeching)
(loud reverberation)
(coughs loudly)
(snarls threateningly)
(rattle)
- Go to sleep, little kids.
Uncle Jilly is watchin' youse.
- This is your Uncle
Marcello, saying, Who is Jilly?
- Uncle Jilly's my sweetie pie.
(loud kiss)
- Hey, who axed you?
- I axed you, that's
who axed you.
- Goodnight, America.
Goodnight, President Agnew.
To me, the flag you represent.
I see its stripes and bars.
And when I see
you as Preseedent,
That's when I see stars.
(shoes clicking on floor)
- They come in my hotel;
they came in my hotel.
A man with a beard.
- Oh.
- I was takin' coffee.
He was laughing.
He say, "You are fantastic,
taking coffee, you understand."
So, I said, why, I don't
understand nothing
'bout what you want from me.
He said, "You are
fantastic; you are fantastic."
And so, I said, well, okay.
"Trust me," he say, "Trust us."
- Rah.
- They put me in
the car, limousine.
And they brought
me here in this BBC.
(laughter)
BBC.
Eh, say, "You stay there."
Two beautiful girls,
fantastic actress,
and always to say to
me, "You are fantastic.
"Look, everybody laugh here."
I say, well.
I have the suspicion they
laugh because they are paid.
(laughter)
- Ohhh.
- And then, they said...
They asked me, "You say wrong."
Wrong.
(laughter)
Okay, wrong.
And for me, this wrong
don't mean nothing.
For me, this is okay for me.
(laughter)
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Then, then...
A nice, nice, nice lady
kiss, kiss me crazy.
How crazy, this America.
And then, wrong,
wrong, you are fantastic.
Ah, introduce Rowan and Marty.
I don't know, I don't
remember the names.
- Mmmmmmm.
- Now, I want to tell
you something, really.
It's not my fault.
(laughter)
If I am here.
I don't want to... I
don't take respon...
I don't keep responsibility.
If you don't like, call BBC.
I advise my lawyer
anyway, don't call me.
- Oh.
- You think I'm
fantastic, really?
This man is crazy.
(laughter)
I think I'm going home.
This America... (loud laughter)
destroyed me.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(single person clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- All right, Richard
Nixon's story, scene 12.
Cue the Red Sea.
(laughter)
- Gladys.
- Mmmm?
- You are poetry in motion.
- Oh, why do you say that?
- 'Cause you walk
like Rod McKuen.
(laughter)
- I'm not gonna waste my time.
- Oh, hit me.
- Oh, I don't believe
we've ever been introduced.
- I, um, I'm Marcello
Mastroianni.
- Oh, no, no, I never extend
myself physically to strangers.
Thank you.
- It's better. Much better.
(laughter)
- Someone asked me
how to pronounce Marcello
Mastroianni backwards.
And I told them, you can't.
It's already backwards.
(laughter)
- Constant she frequented.
She went and sat on the glass.
She went and
sat and she bent it.
I heard... (gives a
startled exclamation)
- Oh!
- Oh, no, no, no trepidation.
- Oh.
- No cause for fear.
This is one of those pauses
that creates warmth and
friendship and masses
that benefit by our portrayals.
- Oh.
- (Clears throat) Ormphby.
- Um?
- Will you help me
in my hour of need?
- Oh.
Oh, of course.
Now is the hour (clears throat)
- Well, can you
spare five minutes?
(laughter)
Only three seconds, really.
(laughter)
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the neuralgic
broadcasting company
ignores its pain in the neck
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring nimble Dan Rowan
and numbo Dick Martin.
And Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, Lily Tomlin,
and Dennis Allen.
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
and Barbara Sharma.
Plus, Teresa Graves.
And me.
I'm Gary Owens, with
these words to pet lovers.
Don't make love to my pet.
(laughter)
- Mmm.
Huh, mom mia.
(laughter)
(beep)
Mama mia.
Those are some... (laughter)
(beep)
Mmm.
Mama mia, that's a'
some a' spicy meatball.
- Ah, look, Harry, you're
supposed to taste them first.
- It's meatballs.
(oven door screeches open)
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by Breck.
Makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Oh, Senior Mastrioianni,
I just love your new movie,
The Pizza Triangle.
- Thank you, thank you.
Listen, you are just
the girl I'm looking for
to make my next one.
- (gasps) Oh!
Oh, me?
A movie?
- No, my next pizza.
- Oh!
(comedic
reverberations) (laughter)
(comedic whistle)
- And then the waiter yelled,
"Hold the Pizza Triangle.
"Make it a drama of
jealousy and other things."
(laughter)
And now, here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(smash)
- Hello, Claudine Long-jet.
- Oh, it's Longet.
The T is silent in French.
- Oh, yes, of course, how
stupid of me to for-gay.
(laughter)
- Hey, aren't you Don Knotts?
- No, I'm Louis Nye-zer.
- Oh, oh, oh,
you're Louis Nizer.
I loved your book,
My Life in Court.
(laughter)
- I want to destroy you.
(crushing) (laughter)
- Ladies and
gentlemen, Roman and...
What? (laughter)
Roman and Marvey.
Rowan and Marty.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin.
- How 'bout Marcello?
He can't even say
Rollan and Marvin.
(uproarious cheering
and applause)
- How you doin'?
Kinda takes your whole eyeballs.
Now please, please.
(enthusiastic
cheering and applause)
(men laugh)
Ah...
Oh, what a machine.
- I'll tell ya.
- What a machine.
Action, cut.
- I'm glad we came
out again. (laughs)
- Oh my gosh, I am too.
Such an unbridled enthusiasm.
- Dear me.
- Good evening.
- Speaking of unbridled,
there's something
different about you.
- Oh, I'm happy you noticed.
- Yes, you're putting
on a little weight.
- I am not either. (laughter)
All I have done is to grow a...
- Of course, you...
Oh, you're a bit
taller, you grew.
- Oh, what's happened is that...
- Ah, please speak
more clearly, Dan.
The beard is
muffling your speech.
- Oh, ho, ho, I'll try.
- Incidentally, is that
a permanent fixture?
- No, it's a beard.
- Oh, ho, ho.
- I'll let you know if I'm
gonna keep 'er or not.
- You wanna hold it down,
I'm trying to read here.
- You know, I want to ask you.
I've seen you with that book
now for a couple of weeks.
What is that book?
You've been taking a
course in something,
or what is all that?
- Well, it just happens to be
Finsterwald's Fount
of Little Known Facts.
- Ah, and you're looking
something up here, eh?
- Yes, matter of fact I am.
Certainly not.
I'm reading my book. (laughter)
- Back to reading your book.
- Why, certainly.
I'm trying to find sailboats.
- Sailboats?
- It's under W, W, W, W.
- Sssailboat's under W?
- No, but the wind
does, my goodness.
Did you ever try
to sail without it?
Wind.
- Wind for a sailboat.
- Y-N-D. W-E-I-Y-D.
- Yes, I, no, no, I, I, I...
- Wind.
For wind you look under Y.
- No.
- For why didn't I
buy a motor boat.
- Ah, that's why
you still got the wind.
What's it say about sailing?
- Tells how sailboats began.
One day, this caveman
was rowing his dug-up canoe.
- No, no. Dugout.
- No, his dug-up.
His girlfriend wanted to
go boating, and he said,
"I'll dig up a canoe somewhere."
(laughter)
- He dug up an old
joke there, didn't he?
- Oh, not quite.
(laughter)
- He almost dug up an old joke.
- But, while he was
rowing, his shirt got wet.
- His shirt got wet?
- And so he stuck it up
on the, on the (laughs)
on the stick.
- On the stick?
- To dry in the wind.
- Now we got a wet shirt
hangin' on a stick in the wind.
- To dry in the wind.
- Yes.
- Well now, he was amazed.
- Was he?
- He said, "I'm amazed!"
- By golly. (laughter)
- See, I told you he
said, "I'm amazed."
- You were right.
- Right, now look
how fast I can row
with my shirt off, he said.
- Is that what he said?
That's quite a book.
- Well, everything's right here.
Whales, whales.
- Whales.
- You look under H.
- H for whales?
- H for whales, yes.
Harpoons, you see.
(laughter)
A whale's always under
a harpoon, going ahhh.
- Who put that harpoon in me?
I should've known that.
- Well, I guess you should.
Tells all about my
famous whaling uncle.
- You have a whaling
uncle? (chuckling)
- I don't do bad myself, but eh.
(laughter)
It's my whaling
uncle Moby Martin.
- Moby Martin?
- Yeah, he was the
greatest whale hunter
in all of Cleveland.
- There aren't any
whales in Cleveland.
- Well, not anymore.
Uncle Moby got 'em all.
(laughter)
- He's a whaler, huh?
- Oh, he's gone now, though.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Died of an
overdose of blubber.
- Overdose of blubber?
- Yep, whale fell on him.
- Oh, just took something
and whaled to death.
Well, I don't need a
whale to fall on me.
You know, it's
time for the party.
- Oh, party, I'll look
it up under Z, Z, Z.
- Z for party?
- Yes, xylophone.
What good's a
party without music?
(lively music)
- I'll say astrology
is a bunch of bunk.
My horoscope said Avoid
Women with a Passion.
Ha, that's the only
kind that are any good.
(lively music)
- Oh! (whistles)
Oh, it's late.
I better be leavin'.
I gotta stop foolin' around
and get back to work
and stop foolin' around.
(lively music)
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Annie.
- You know, the War
in Southeast Asia
really has Vietnam torn apart.
- It's not doing real
well in this country.
(lively music)
- I know one couple whose
love life has vastly improved
at the Masters and
Johnson Sex Institute.
- (laughs raucously)
Oh yeah, whose?
- Masters and Johnson.
(laughter)
- I don't get it.
- Poor baby.
(lively music)
- Hey, what would you
say to a guy if he got fresh?
- Take me home.
- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Your place or mine?
(lively music)
- You know, ABC's really
outdone themselves, Copper, yeah.
- Well, yeah.
- This season, they created
a show called The Immortal
and 13 weeks later, it died.
(lively music)
- I hate men.
They set you up in an
apartment, buy you a car,
a few jewels, and some furs.
The first thing they know,
they think they own ya.
(lively music)
- Excuse me, Tootsie, but
do you have a hairbrush?
- Yes, I do.
- Why don't you use it?
(lively music)
- You know, one of our
policemen is a real practical joker.
- No?
- I mean, every time we
arrest a bottomless dancer,
he chills the seat
in the paddy wagon.
(lively music)
- Later, when she
was fully clothed.
(lively music)
- People have compared
me to Greta Garbo.
We both haven't
worked for years.
(lively music)
- (Laughing) Marcello,
baby, boom, boom, boom.
(laughter) (drum beats)
Hard as a rock.
(laughter)
Listen, now that you're
over here stateside,
I want you to come over
to my house for dinner.
(laughing)
- Thank you.
- Oh, not at all.
It's the only Italian gesture
NBC would let me make.
- That's a no-no.
- Wrong.
- Long.
- Wrong.
- Long.
- Wrong.
(upbeat music)
(clanging of cash register)
(explosion)
- Johnny Brown, look at you.
If you get any more pudgy,
you're gonna be your
own minority group.
- Hey, come on, Teresa.
We better stick together, baby.
- Okay, but when people see
you walkin' down the street,
they're gonna say, "Here
comes the neighborhood."
(laughter)
- Ca-cha, ca-cha, ca-cha.
(playful music)
- Mr. Mastro, ah, Marcell.
- Mmm-hmm.
- What, the thing...
You know what, I'm so...
You have something.
There's something so...
It's something that just ex...
It's, it just...
It's from every single pore.
It just, it just comes.
It's so fan...
It's such a sexy
kind of, you know.
And I think, when I think
of La Dolce and, and Eight,
and all those, and
Sophia, and Anita Ek...
You know, when you
were in the wa, in the...
And you were ho...
And you had party
card, and you take...
There's just so...
I mean, you have
so ma... You just...
It's, it's an
over, it's a can...
I mean, yesterday, today,
and there's Sophia Lor...
It's so fantastic, and you
give her a little, you know,
and you hold...
Each, each, it's
Claudia Cardin...
Ah, Monic... and
now Pizza Tri...
With the Monica...
It's so, I mean, a
man... It's so fan...
You're so at...
You have such a...
It's a raw, it's such
a, it's so, it's really...
It gives me kind-of
a tri... (bird tweets)
It's a thing that,
it... (bird tweets)
It makes me, I,
I... (bird tweets)
It's a kind...
It could only happen in America.
(laughter)
- I've been asked to give
my opinion of Laugh-In
in 15 words or less.
- [Man] That's 15 words.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Here's
Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(comedic clanging)
- Boy, oh boy.
- Don't you call me boy.
- I'm sorry, sir.
(perky music)
(smash)
(escalating comedic echoes)
- All right, all right,
now you say hub.
- Hub.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Hubba.
- Hub-ah.
- Now, two times.
Hubba, hubba.
- Hubba, hubba.
- Thanks.
(laughter)
- That little Italian
beauty is a definite winner.
Ya, ha.
- Oh no, now say it.
Now say hubba, hubba.
- In this position?
- No, no.
(laughter)
- Claudine, you've met
Marcello Mastroianni.
What's he really like?
- Oh, he likes little
French bonnets.
- Are you positive?
- No, I'm Catholic.
(laughter)
- I recognize your outfit.
You are all made up for our
mod world look at aviation.
- Oh yes, I always say
aviation is the only way to fly.
- As long as you
always say that.
Do you know what
makes an airplane fly?
- Certainly, the pilot.
(laughter)
- Well, no, not exactly.
- Stewardess.
- Oh, she doesn't
make the plane fly.
- She sure made
the trip fly by for me.
(laughter)
- Oh, I was referring...
What makes it
possible for 200 people
to climb onto a 747 and
actually be lifted off the ground?
- Aha, you mean the tickets?
(laughter)
- I really had no idea you
knew so much about flying.
- Oh, it's because of my
little guide to little known facts.
Let's see.
- Flying, flying.
- Flying.
Finsterwald's
Fount of Knowledge.
- Finsterwald's Fount.
What do you look under, flying?
- Flying is under J.
- For?
- J, J.
- For?
- For Jumbo Jet,
you see. (laughter)
- Jumbo Jet.
- This is modern flying, uh-huh.
- Yes.
- Tells about the
first man to fly.
- Um?
- First man ever to fly.
- One of the Wright brothers.
- Wrong.
- Wasn't one of
the Wright brothers?
- No, it was Hiram
L. Fagencranz.
(laughter)
- Fa, Fag, France?
- Fagencranz, and he's
of Binginham, New York.
- I'm glad he
lives that far away.
- Yeah, who in the
spring... (laughter)
- Yeah, sprung.
- Who in the spring of 1874...
- Yes?
- Covered his entire
body with feathers.
- Oh.
- Flapped his arms
and leaped off a cliff.
- My word.
- Flying a distance of 79
feet, nine and 1/2 inches.
- Amazing.
- Yes, nine and 1/2 inches
out and 97 feet whooo.
(laughter)
- I'm sorry to hear.
That's a shame.
- Not really.
- Not really?
- He saved the feathers
and later became...
- Oh, good.
- He came in first in a Phyllis
Diller look-alike contest.
- Well, it wasn't a total loss.
You really have an
amazing knowledge
of the history of flight.
- Well, it comes...
- Doesn't have anything
to do with the actual
history of flight.
- Oh no, but I have
an amazing knowledge.
- Yeah.
- Actually, it comes
quite naturally, you see.
- How's that?
- My Uncle Orville Martin.
- I should have known
you had an Uncle Orville.
- Uncle Orville, he was one
of the great pilots of all time.
- I don't believe you've ever
told me about Uncle Orville.
- Dear me, he's famous!
- Is he?
- He invented the barrel
roll, the loop-the-loop.
- He was a stunt flier.
- No, he was a pilot
for Air Burbank Limited.
(laughter)
- Air Burbank Limited?
How many planes did they fly?
- They didn't have any.
That's why they were limited.
(laughter)
All they had was
a 39 Humpmobile.
- [Dan] Humpmobile?
- But, for some reason or other,
they never got
it off the ground.
- Hard to believe that,
but speaking of
getting off the ground,
we'd better get
aboard Laugh-In's look
at the mod world of aviation
before it take off without us.
- Well, okay, if Uncle
Orville's at the controls,
I'll bet our luggage winds
up on the Tim Conway Show,
and we never see it again.
- Well, fasten your seat
belt, and here we go.
Well, it isn't
much of an airline
Two small planes
and one of 'em flies
But we'll guarantee that
you'll have an adventure
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines takes to the sky
Whoo, what a surprise
We suggest you
buy some insurance
It's the smartest
thing you can do
We're not fast and
really not terribly careful
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines heads for the blue
Whoo, such a to-do
Though it isn't exactly a 747
It's loaded with
legroom and cheer
And each pilot and
stewardess think it is habit
To belt down a barrel of beer
We're good drinkers here
Say goodbye and
pick up your ticket
We've had several printed today
So if you dig danger
And you've got a death wish
It's Burbank Terminal
Airlines, up and away
Hey, whatta you say
Oh, our motto has always
been Fly Now, Pay Later
It's best when you
pay now, then fly
If you're lucky, your
pilot's a great aviator
Who taught Charles
Lindbergh to fly
He's usually high - I'm high.
Our planes were built
by the Wright boys
So of course, they're
technically sound
And it's like a scene
from a werewolven movie
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines gets off the ground
We're Hollywood bound
Where the bad
and the beautiful gal
Of Burbank Terminal Airlines
Finally gets off the
ground Anchors away
- Rah.
- I'm flyin' to Los Angeles.
How can I be sure
my bags'll get there?
- Oh, that's simple.
Just check them
through to Cleveland.
- Ooooooh.
Aaahhh.
- [Pilot] Welcome aboard
Burbank Terminal Airlines
Holiday Flight to Cleveland.
Nonstop, assuming of course,
that my horoscope is wrong.
(laughter)
- Miss? Stewardess?
- Yeah?
- Could you tell me where
the restrooms are, please?
- Oh, yeah, we usually
use the Shell station
on the corner near the freeway.
- Hey Lily, you know,
yesterday my mother flew
in one of those gigantic 747s.
You know, I'm amazed how
such a huge, ponderous thing
could get off the ground.
- It is a big plane.
- Plane? Plane?
I'm talkin' about my mother.
(laughter)
(lively music)
- More and more people are
flying helicopters nowadays.
Unfortunately, most
of them are soldiers.
- One of the great aviation
pioneers was Leonardo da Vinci.
He created the first plans
for a craft designed to fly.
(comedic whistle)
- Now, Mr. da Vinki.
- That's a da Winki.
You call me Leonardo.
- Oh, Mr. Leonardo dee Winki,
what was the principle
of your airplane design?
- Well, it was a
powdered by a spring.
Ah, there's only one problem.
- Oh, what was that?
- Well, the spring
ran dry, ho ho.
(laughter)
Ooops, sorry about that.
- Yeah, a little
turpentine will fix that.
- It's good for you.
- Actually, um...
- Someday, however,
the people are gonna fly
and they're actually
gonna eat in the sky.
Already painted
a picture about it.
- Really, what's it called?
- Last Supper, ho.
Ho, ho, better do one there.
- Yeah, I see, um, Mr. do
Winki, is this your first design?
- No, my first set of
plans fell out a window.
Made history.
- Oh, how was that?
- Well, it was the world's
first plans crash, ho, ho, ho.
That's a three for da Winki.
And Leonardo Soma Speesee
Marsees Speedaboysee.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
but that was terrible.
- Okay, you make-a da jokes.
- Tell me now,
do you think your latest
set of plans will really fly?
- Sure, you watch these.
(comedic whistle and explosion)
Oh, it's a back to the
drawing board for ole da Vinki.
(laughter)
- Oh, that's dee Winki.
- Vinki, Winki, my
plane is a stinky.
(lively music)
(upbeat music)
(crash)
- [Pilot] Welcome
aboard Flight Number One
of Burbank Terminal Airlines
with accommodations in
first class, second class,
third class, economy,
and steerage.
What goes up Must
come down - As a result
of certain unfortunate
atmospheric disturbances,
we must temporarily suspend
Laugh-In's look at aviation.
However, we will resume
our regular program
after showing the following
atmospheric disturbances.
(explosion)
(playful music)
Airlines are really
worried lately.
Seems they're losin' money
quicker than they're
losin' luggage.
(laughter)
- And that's the truth.
(laughter)
- Considering the vissitudes
contingent upon the
blucenary fixation,
adventidious to this emprise,
I would hazard the preseesence
that the station breakers
is amisily about to make us
the station breakees.
(thunder)
Darn you, Red Baron.
(laughter)
- Well, Harrison,
we have finally trained
all of our employees
to recognize potential hijackers
by any signs of
excessive nervousness
or other erratic behavior.
- Right, sir.
- How's it working out?
- Ah, well, not so good, sir.
We've just arrested two
junketing congressmen,
a pregnant stewardess,
and Laurence Harvey.
(lively music)
- I believe in flying
the friendly skies,
but when you see your pilot
and copilot holdin' hands,
that's a bit much.
(lively music)
- (groans) There.
- Oh, may I help you, sir?
- Yeah, I'd like
one ticket to Hawaii.
- All right, your
ticket will be $98
and for excess
luggage, an extra $126.
- $126, that's more than
the price of the ticket.
- I'm afraid so, sir.
- Well, in that case, I'd
like a ticket for my wife, too.
(woman gasps)
- It's no laughing matter,
but the United States
has the deadliest Air Force
in the world.
But it figures, we've got
the deadliest air in the world.
(laughter)
- [Pilot] Welcome
aboard Flight Number One
of Burbank Terminal Airlines.
We will be flying at over
34 feet, but don't worry,
last night I was cruising
at an altitude of five 11
in high heels.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we
will be coming in for a landing
in a few minutes.
In the seat back pocket, you
will find a small pocketbook.
Would you please
open to page 67,
and we will all sing
hymn number 502.
Thank you.
- You know, I've been
living near airports all my life,
and sonic booms have
never bothered me.
- Why not?
- What?
(lively music)
- Naomi, we can't go
on meeting like this.
- Hello, I'm your pilot,
Captain Kangaroo,
and this will be a short hop.
This is your
stewardess, Miss Fits.
We're now ready for take-off.
Miss Fits.
- Thank you.
Welcome aboard the
first supersonic flight
from New York to London.
We will be moving faster
than the speed of sound.
In other words, as we
travel forward this way,
our sound will be left
behind us that way.
Thank you.
(jet engine roaring)
- It's a beautiful
plane, isn't it?
- Don't forget, it's brand new.
- What's new?
- Oh, nothing much.
Same old grind, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry.
- [Man] I'm hurrying
as fast as I can.
- If you close your eyes,
I'll give you something
good in a second.
- Oh, okay, what's
good in a second?
- Oh, I say a saddlesore
looks good in a second.
What are you picking?
- I wasn't picking;
I was scratching.
- [Man] You can
just keep scratching.
I'll be out in a second.
- I already miss New York.
Did you know that's
where I'm from?
- No, what part of
New York are you from?
- Queens, and it's miserable.
I hate Queens.
- Well, by Gad, if
that's the way you feel
about the royal family,
then I say fie and
tooey on Mr. Nixon.
- Oh.
- [Man] Mr. Nixon?
Why didn't you say so?
I'll be right out.
America, America God
shed His grace on thee
Off we go to wild
and blue yonder
So it's contact,
give her the gun
Grab your scarf and your goggles
The cockpit is open
When Burbank Terminal
Airlines heads for the sun
Oh, isn't this fun
When the bad and
the beautiful gal
Of Burbank Terminal Airlines
Finally heads for
the sun Bombs away
(bomb falling and exploding)
- Well, that was our look
at the mod world of aviation.
Do you think your Uncle
Orville Martin would have like it?
- Well, I don't know, he's
so busy now, you know.
- Is he?
- He's in the Asian
pottery curio business.
- That sounds interesting.
- It is.
Yesterday he made a
three-winged Oriental urn.
- What's a three-winged
Oriental urn?
- Oh, about a buck
and a half a flight.
(laughter)
- Now, tell me
truthfully, Marcello.
What has Sophia Loren
got that I haven't got?
- Well, truthfully, Gladys,
she's got the same thing,
but the things are in...
in different...
places.
(laughter)
(handle squeaking)
(comedic whistle)
- Guinness, you know,
it's amazing how
President Nixon got elected
without tellin' us exactly
what he planned to do.
- Mmm-hmm, yeah, and
now that he's in there,
we still don't know.
- Well, let's just hope
he runs again in '72.
At least then he'll have
to tell us what he's done.
- Yeah, shouldn't take long.
- Got a minute?
(laughter)
(comedic music)
- My name is Edith Ann,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want,
because I'm gonna have a baby.
You know how you can get a baby?
First, you could get real fat.
Then, you could
eat a lot of pickles.
Then your daddy puts
a lot of clothes in the car
and gets real nervous
and can't find the keys,
and then the policeman
gives you a ticket,
and you take the
ticket to the hospital,
and they give you
a little baby boy.
And that's the truth.
(gentleman with
hat clears throat)
- Can I help you?
- Oh yes, I happen to have
$100,000 in cash with me,
and I'd very much like to
open an account at your bank.
- Do you have an
account with us?
- You don't understand.
I want to open an account.
- (Sighs) Ah, all right.
What is your last name?
- Well, my name
is Frank Boxworth.
- Now, I distinctly asked
you for your last name.
- Boxworth, Frank.
Now look, I have
this hundred thou...
- Boxworth, you have to
go to the A to K window.
- This is the A to K window.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, you see, I have
this $100,000 in this case.
- $100,000?
Why, you shouldn't carry
$100,000 around the street
with you like that.
- I know, that's why...
- That's a lot of
money to carry around.
- I know, that's why I came
here to deposit it with you.
- I see.
- Do you have $1,000,
and make it quick.
- Here you go.
That's all right.
Now, can I help you?
- Oh, oh, you just gave
my $100,000 to that thief.
- Oh, that's too bad.
You should've
put that in a bank.
- Then you'd better
fly this bank to Cuba.
- Very interesting.
But, they shouldn't
be playing with guns.
Believe me, I know, whew.
- Oh, Mr. Mastroianni,
I've admired you
from afar for years.
- Thank you for
both the compliment
and the distance.
- (gasps) Oh, you're a mean.
But you're beautiful, oh.
- Sure I am.
(comedic music)
- Looks good.
- Ugh.
Ugh.
- He's late today.
- There are two things I
really love about this country.
And both of them belong...
to Raquel Welch.
(laughter)
- He says he doesn't
speak English.
I understand every move.
(whistle)
(explosion of escaping air)
(comedic squeak)
- Dick, you should always
give your girlfriend something
to remember you by.
But make sure she
doesn't name it after you.
Who wants a puppy named Dick?
- Who's Dick?
(laughter)
- What are you
dressed up like that?
What is all that stuff?
What are you doin' that for?
Why are you dressed like that?
- None of your business.
(laughter)
- Okay.
- [Announcer] And now,
here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(birds chirping)
- Marcello, do you like Italian
women or American women?
- Oh, yes.
- Boy, Marcello really
speak bad English.
- No, Claudine, you
mean bad English.
- No, I mean bad English.
Haven't you seen
any of his movies?
(laughter)
Bad English.
- Could we get to the
quickies, I'm double-parked.
- Quickies?
- No, you're not
either double-parked.
I saw your car when I came in.
- No, I mean I brought
two cars tonight.
- How could you drive
two cars to the studio?
- Well, I drove one car here,
and then I went back
and got the second car.
- Well, how'd you get back home?
- With the first car.
(laughter)
- All right, that's how you
got the second car here.
How did you get
the first one here?
- I told you, I drove
it out here first.
- But then you drove it
home to get the second car.
- Well, that explains
why I couldn't find
it in the parking lot.
(laughter)
- Dick...
- I better call the police back.
(laughter)
That's a shame; now he's
gonna miss the quickies.
- I show you some quickie.
(comedic whistle)
(rattle of reel)
(comedic squeak)
(laughter)
(playful music)
- Ah, do you know
anything about chokes?
- Certainly do, ma'am.
- I know a guy who can hold
his breath for over an hour.
But there's one problem.
He can only do it once.
(laughter)
- How's it going?
- Oh, terrific, boss.
The casino is jammed.
- Good.
- Especially the poker tables
with the two topless dealers.
Ha, ha, they
haven't lost a hand.
- I knew it would work.
- Work? I'll say.
It's the first time I ever saw
two pair beat a full house.
(laughter)
- Pssst.
You wanna see a fantastic trick?
- Yeah!
- Abracadabra.
- Hey, that's some
spicy meatballs.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(applause)
- See, I have hit
on the solution
to the bumper bending problem.
We construct the bumper
out of cheese and crackers.
- Ha, ha.
- Then the bumper is hit,
the cheese absorbs the shock
so no one's hurt, you see?
- Of course I see, but what
purpose do the crackers serve?
- Dummkopf, little dummkopf.
Whoever heard of
cheese without crackers?
(laughter)
- Very interesting,
but opportuniministinic.
(laughter)
Didn't think I could
say it, did you?
Opportuminiministicic.
(laughter)
(explosion)
(playful music)
(loud kiss)
(pop)
- Oh.
Fresh.
- You tell me about quickies?
(boat horn blaring)
- So long, lucky.
(playful music)
(comedic whistle)
(rattle of reel)
(comedic squeaking)
(playful music)
- Find your car?
- Mm, did I find my car!
- You probably...
- Three of 'em.
- You found three of them?
- Yeah, one back down...
- I don't wanna ask about that.
Did you get to see
any part of the quickies?
- As always, as always,
Raquel Welch and Sophia
Loren were unbelievable.
- Ah, ha, ha, Raquel
Welch and Sophia Loren
were not in the quickies.
- I know, but aren't
they unbelievable?
(laughter)
- And now, here's Marcello.
- Marcello, I want
you to say what I say.
Look at the camera.
- Hum?
- Look at the
people; they love us.
- Uh.
- Say sock it to me.
Sock it to me.
You say it. (Marcello mumbles)
What?
- It's not dangerous?
- It's not dangerous.
No, say sock it to me.
- Sacatoomee.
- Faster.
- Sacatoomee.
- Faster, yeah.
- Sacatoomee, sacatoomee,
sacatoomee, sacatoomee,
sacatoomee, sacatoomee...
(laughter and applause)
That's funny.
Marcello can't even
say socket, socket...
Socket to on me.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(comedic whistle)
- Claudine, your voice
is so soft and wonderful.
I just love it.
- Well, thank you, I'm
really glad you love it.
- Say something to me in French.
- Um, (speaks in
foreign language)
- Mmmm, that's lovely.
What does it mean?
- Bug off, little fella!
(laughter)
- [Announcer] And now,
here is Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(crash)
(rattle)
- This is like a
miracle, you know?
- For me, too.
- Is it?
- At this partial score, three.
- I'm getting weaker
by the minute.
My little knees are
kind-of trembling.
- [Man] Are they really?
- Oh, this isn't for real.
- We're forgot for long time.
I am, I am, I am very
dangerous, careful.
- I don't believe this.
- Mmm... My mother too.
- I really don't, I mean,
it's just human beings, but...
- I am human beans.
- Not quite.
- Beans? Beans?
Beans, where the beans?
I like very much, beans.
(laughter)
- Later that same evening,
the handsome stranger
turned to the mysterious lady
and whispered...
- Ah, what did you...
Ah, what did you
think, Marcello?
What did you think the
first time you saw Laugh-In?
- Oh.
I don't understood Laugh-In.
- You didn't?
- No.
- You didn't understood nothing?
- Was beautiful, was
very beautiful, really.
I want to see again.
- Yes.
- 'Specially I want
to see mine, now.
(laughter)
I don't understood, no.
I remember a German
soldier that he, he appeared.
- Yes.
- Always.
- Yes.
- And I don't
remember you at all.
- When was this that
you were watching,
that you don't remember me?
(laughter)
- But, I think was
destiny to meet you.
Now.
(laughter)
- Tell me, do you
love around here?
- Oh. (laughs)
No, Claudine, you mean,
do you live around here.
You don't know your English.
- No, I mean, do you
love around here?
You don't know your French.
(laughter)
- (laughs) Ah, this
chickie knows her cookies.
(laughter)
(chokes)
Hello, Johnny Hi,
Teresa (Teresa giggles)
Got a trip I'm gonna lay on you
What's the question
What's the answer
Ask me nicely I
will tell you true
- I love that (energetic music)
What's the news
from the neighborhood
Where's the news
from the neighborhood
Gimme some news
from the neighborhood
Good news, bad news,
funny news, sad news
What's the news
I've gotta lot of news
To tell your Mamma
I gotta lot of dirt
Have a little
mission Listen to me
Listen, I've got the news
from the neighborhood
The bad news from
the neighborhood
The filthy news from
the neighborhood
Gimme that, I'm
gonna tell ya like it is
What's the news
from the neighborhood
Where's the news
from the neighborhood
Here's the news
from the neighborhood
Da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da
Da, da, da-da, dee-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks...
At the news Richard News Daniel
Time to Dick and Dan (applause)
- [Announcer] And now, it's
time for the Laugh-In News.
Chiang Kai-shek in
I Am Furious Yellow,
Georgie Jessel in
Thomas's Promises,
Kate Smith in Twelve
Chairs, (laughter)
Dan Blocker in A
Man Called Horse,
and Howard Hughes
in Gone with the Wind.
- And this is Dan Rowan,
carrying on for Dick Martin,
who is in Los Vegas.
- And this is Dick
Martin, in Los Vegas,
who's just carrying on.
- I'm completely lost.
- New York.
300 construction
workers were injured today
at a speech given by
Vice President Agnew.
When they cheered his remarks
by throwing their
hard hats in the air.
(laughter)
- Would give you a headache.
News of the future,
New York, 1991.
The United Nations today
met in an emergency session
over the growing hostility
between its only
remaining member.
A motion was made to
withdraw from the UN,
but it was tabled by a
vote of one to nothing.
(laughter)
Authorship of the
controversial Russian book
Khrushchev Remembers,
purportedly written
by Nikita Khrushchev,
was investigated by
the Russian government.
When asked if he had written
the book Khrushchev Remembers,
Khrushchev replied,
"I can't remember."
(laughter)
- Oh, hmm, um, TV host
David Frost retaliated
against radical
leader Jerry Rubin
for disrupting Mr. Frost's
shows several weeks ago.
Today, David Frost broke
into a rally Rubin was having,
forced him to the wall, and
made him put on a clean shirt.
(laughter)
- Please stay tuned
for this late flash.
- Ohhhhhhh-Ohhhhhh.
- Now to Pauline Rhetoric
for an in-depth interview
with one of America's most
forthright political figures.
- Pauline Rhetoric, here
in the governor's office.
Is it true, Governor,
that you recently claimed
the American public
to be indecisive?
- No, that is not true.
- Then, how do you explain
the widespread reports
that you did?
- Okay, then it's true.
(laughter)
- Now, you think
this was a good idea
to call the public indecisive?
- Definitely, a good idea.
- Even now, when we
all need encouragement.
- Maybe it wasn't a good idea.
- Governor, do you
realize you've been making
contradictory remarks
throughout this entire interview?
- I have not.
- But you have.
- Okay, if you say it's true,
I'm not gonna be
the one to deny it.
- Thank you, Governor.
- Now, for this helpful hint.
- Threaten to make
her walk home.
Da, da Da, da,
da-da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da-da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da-da, da,
da, da Da, da-dee, da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the...
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
News La, da, dee-da, da, da News
- Hello, friend.
This is Chaplain Bud Homely
here with the thought for today.
Be happy with what you have
and don't seek after
what others have.
For remember, a bird in the
hand is worth two in the bush.
(chicken squawks)
Thank you.
(laughter)
(egg smashes)
Thank you.
(egg smashes)
Thank... (egg smashes)
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Oh, you know Mr. Nye,
a lot of men are gonna
be pretty miserable
when I finally decide to marry.
- Oh, Gladys, gee, how many
men do you intend to marry?
- Ooh.
(comedic reverberations)
- Help me.
- [Announcer] And now,
here's Mother Hubbard.
(relaxed music)
(birds chirping)
(cash register chiming)
- Mr. Mastroianni.
- Hmmm?
- I've always wondered.
Why are Italian men
all such good lovers?
- Well, I am a-sure
it's the spicy food.
(laughter)
You see, after a big
Italian dinner, we go...
We go right to bed, but...
we can't sleep.
And so, it's just
question of the digestion.
What I say?
- Pauline, how did the French
ever get such a reputation
as lovers?
(loud kiss)
(pop)
Oh, I see.
- Simple.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Breck,
makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.
- Mr. Mastroianni, I've
seen all of your pictures.
I think they're quite
sexy and rather tasteless.
- Well, why do you keep going?
- I happen to like
that sort of thing.
- Well, it's time to ah...
- You know, I'm getting
used to that growth.
- Dick, you don't refer to
a man's hirsute adornment
as growth.
- I was talking about the beard.
- So was I.
Do you like it?
- Well, I like it better than
I did earlier in the show.
- I guess it grows on you.
- Not on me, it doesn't.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(laughter and applause)
- Hey, Dick!
- [Dick] Yeah?
- You know, duck-billed platypuses
make strange bedfeathers.
- You've sure gotta hand it to
the Internal Revenue Service.
If you don't, they'll
come and take it anyway.
- Lock it.
- We tried, but they
come and took it anyway.
- I'm so angry with myself.
I had a real sexy
dream last night,
but I slept all the
way through it.
- I know a California doctor
who is a self-made man.
Before he operated on
himself, Dick, he was a woman.
- Oooh, you know, Dan,
it just occurred to me,
you've got to treat
a car like a baby.
- [Dan] Why is that?
- Well, you keep it
clean, worry about gas,
and if it leaks, be patient.
(laughter)
- Nicholas, Nicholas,
what are you doing here?
Are you outta your bird?
(laughter)
- Well, what sings hymns
and plays in the mud?
- I don't know, what?
- Fred Waring and
his Pennsylvania pigs.
(pig grunting)
- My neighbor is so cheap
that when her canary died,
she tied it on
the end of a stick
and used it as a feather duster.
- Oh, listen, Dan.
What would you give a
gal who has everything?
- Penicillin.
It's good for colds
and everything.
- Hey, do you
know the difference
between a sexy lady
and a boiled turnip?
- No, I don't.
- Okay, then you
can have the turnip.
- You know, if God
had meant us to smoke,
He would have set us on fire.
- You're cute.
- Thank you.
- You know, people claim
there are no new frontiers left
for man to conquer.
- Yeah, what about Raquel Welch?
- What about Fred Waring
and his Pennsylvania pigs?
- Yeah.
(tires screeching)
(loud reverberation)
(coughs loudly)
(snarls threateningly)
(rattle)
- Go to sleep, little kids.
Uncle Jilly is watchin' youse.
- This is your Uncle
Marcello, saying, Who is Jilly?
- Uncle Jilly's my sweetie pie.
(loud kiss)
- Hey, who axed you?
- I axed you, that's
who axed you.
- Goodnight, America.
Goodnight, President Agnew.
To me, the flag you represent.
I see its stripes and bars.
And when I see
you as Preseedent,
That's when I see stars.
(shoes clicking on floor)
- They come in my hotel;
they came in my hotel.
A man with a beard.
- Oh.
- I was takin' coffee.
He was laughing.
He say, "You are fantastic,
taking coffee, you understand."
So, I said, why, I don't
understand nothing
'bout what you want from me.
He said, "You are
fantastic; you are fantastic."
And so, I said, well, okay.
"Trust me," he say, "Trust us."
- Rah.
- They put me in
the car, limousine.
And they brought
me here in this BBC.
(laughter)
BBC.
Eh, say, "You stay there."
Two beautiful girls,
fantastic actress,
and always to say to
me, "You are fantastic.
"Look, everybody laugh here."
I say, well.
I have the suspicion they
laugh because they are paid.
(laughter)
- Ohhh.
- And then, they said...
They asked me, "You say wrong."
Wrong.
(laughter)
Okay, wrong.
And for me, this wrong
don't mean nothing.
For me, this is okay for me.
(laughter)
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Then, then...
A nice, nice, nice lady
kiss, kiss me crazy.
How crazy, this America.
And then, wrong,
wrong, you are fantastic.
Ah, introduce Rowan and Marty.
I don't know, I don't
remember the names.
- Mmmmmmm.
- Now, I want to tell
you something, really.
It's not my fault.
(laughter)
If I am here.
I don't want to... I
don't take respon...
I don't keep responsibility.
If you don't like, call BBC.
I advise my lawyer
anyway, don't call me.
- Oh.
- You think I'm
fantastic, really?
This man is crazy.
(laughter)
I think I'm going home.
This America... (loud laughter)
destroyed me.
(laughter)
(playful music)
(single person clapping)