Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 18 - Episode #4.18 - full transcript

- [Narrator] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight the Laugh-In spotlight
falls on Mr. Joey Bishop.

(audience laughing)

- Ha ha, you missed me!

(water splashing)

Why?

Why?

- [Gary] Why not?

(audience laughing)



- Let's give a cheer
for Xavier High.

Gimmie a X, gimmie
a X, gimmie a...

- I couldn't find an ax,
would a hatchet do?

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) Hi.

I'm David Steinberg
disguised as a normal person

and I am here tonight
largely because

I was one of the first
people to set foot on

the surface of Kate Smith.

- And now from beautiful
downtown Burbank,

NBC, the Needy
Broadcasting Company,

begs for a little
understanding as it presents

Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In!

Starring the right arm Dan Rowan



and the leftover Dick Martin

and special guest star

the scintillating sweetheart
of song, Joey Bishop.

Ah - [Group] Boo!

- And Arte Johnson

with Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues and Lily Tomlin,

not to forget Dennis Allen,

Johnny Brown, Ann Elder

and Miss Tops in
taps, Barbara Sharma

and me, I'm Gary Owens,

willing to work for people
looking for immediate cash.

Don't look at me
'cause I'm broke.

- Try new Alka-Skelter-Seltzer.

It really settles
an upset stomach.

- [Director] Okay, Tom, cut.

- Whoa, this stuff's terrible.

Somebody get me a Bromo.

(audience laughing)

(lively band music)

- Open Sesame!

(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)

(audience laughing)

(sped-up silly music)

(humming)

- What's that?

- That's our singing group.

- One-man chorus?

- Why not?

You've got a one-man fan club.

(humming)

- Oops, they already
started up with the pussy cat

and they better be careful.

He's got a mean mouth
when he's wounded.

(laughing)

He'll tear 'em to pieces.

- My president says don't
be mean and don't be fickle

or I'll do to you
what I did to Hickel.

(audience laughing)

And now, America,
here come the only men

who make as much
sense as my president.

Dan Rowan and Dick Martin!

(audience applauding)

- Ha ha, very good.

- I feel underdressed.

I didn't realize it was going
to be a formal occasion.

- It's quite all right.

- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to Rowan
& Martin's Laugh-In.

Tonight we...

- Gimmie a P, gimmie
a E, gimmie a A-C-E.

I said a P, I said
a E, I said A-C-E.

I said a P, I said
a E, I said a A-C-E.

I said a 4, gimmie R,
gimmie E-A-L, that's 4 real.

(audience laughing)

- That almost
makes you yearn for

the 10 tapping toes of
Barbara Sharma, doesn't it?

- (laughing) No, no.

- Well, tonight's show features

Martino and the
Mystery of the Ages.

- Ah, that explains the rig.

- It's-a better than
Dominic the Great, isn't it?

- Yeah, Martino and
the Mystery of the Ages.

- First a trick!

- A trick.

- Here you are,
take a card, any card.

Any card at all, take a card.

Won't you take a card, sir?

- What do you mean any card?

You only got one card.

- Aha!

And that card is
the four of diamonds!

- Well, of course it is.

- I never miss!

- (laughing) Martino
and the Mystery,

well, you only used one card.

How could you
possibly get it wrong?

- That's one of the
mystery of the ages!

(laughing)

- Look, what's all the magic?

What is this, a new hobby?

- No sir, just kind of
an insurance policy.

You know, this comedy
business could be

a little shaky in years to come.

Not gonna go on
for ever, you know.

- No, nothing lasts forever.

You're developing new talents?

- Well, just a little
something to fall back on.

Leanora!

Ha ha!

- That's something
to fall back on.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, very good.

- Leanora's in the act, is she?

- Most assuredly, the lovely
Leanora is my assistant.

- Well, if you're gonna
pick an assistant.

What else do you do in the act?

I mean, that card trick's
gonna be a little tough to follow.

- Oh, you think
that was something?

You just wait till
you see me juggle.

- Oh, a juggler, folks.

- Thank you.

There it is, thank you, Leanora.

Watch this, now.

- Applause, applause, applause.

- Thank you.

- You really call that
juggling, huh, one Indian club?

- You notice I didn't drop any.

- That's the dullest
act I ever saw.

- I haven't come
to the big finish yet!

- Oh, I'll take any
finish, if it's big or little.

- Nevermind, nevermind,

I'll show you something
I'm really good at.

- Yeah?

- I happen to be a
really great escape artist.

- Escape artist.

- It is impossible to
confine me, no matter what!

Leanora, confine me!

(laughing)

- They're gonna confine
you, they're gonna lock you up.

- That's good, make
it good and tight.

- Making it good and tight.

- There she comes again, folks.

What's the record for this?

- I don't know.

Leanora, you are a gem!

Now, watch this!

The hand is
quicker than the eye!

- Quicker than the eye.

- It's quicker than the eye!

- Look at him go now, folks.

- Funny, I do this to Leanora

and she gets away every time!

- Well, that's fine,

'cause now we're gonna
get away to the quickies.

Come on, Leanora,

let's leave Dick wrapped
up in this new career.

- Poor baby.

Well, he'll be all right

just as soon as he
learns the ropes.

Come on, you big beauty.

How would you like
to learn to juggle?

- Quite nice.

- Hey, hey!

How'd you like to see
my knife throwing act?

(gun firing)

- Hi, I'm Shirley Temple Black!

(audience laughing)

(phone buzzing)

- [Operator] Operator.

- Okay, this is a stick-up.

- [Operator] Well, don't shoot!

- Hand it over!

(coins jingling)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- [Policeman]
This is the police.

Put your hands up,
you're under arrest.

- You'll never take
me alive, copper!

(gun firing)

(gun firing)

You got me.

- Hey, who did the
painting of this old couple?

- Grant Wood.

- That's funny,
so would Natalie.

- So would I, please.

(drum roll)

(gun firing)

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Mr. Bishop!

- Hi.

- You know, you've
got a lot in common

with all those
Philadelphia comics

like Bobby Rydell and Buddy
Greco and Frankie Avalon.

- Now, wait a minute, wait.

All those guys
you just mentioned,

they're singers, not comics.

- Like I said, you've
got a lot in common.

(audience laughing)

(lively band music)

- K-cha, k-cha, k-cha.

- Joey Bishop, oh, hubba hubba!

It's fantastic meeting you!

Tell me, Joey, what
are you really like?

- Well, I'm sort of like
this, only much taller.

(laughing)

- I think you're funnier
than Regis Philbin,

I don't know why
everybody else says

why don't you get any more work?

I don't know.

(gun firing)

- It is rumored that
you have threatened

your political opponent, Senator
Whacker, with bodily harm.

Now, have you any
statement to make?

- Only that slanderous
remarks like this

will reflect on the good
name of his widow.

Put that in your paper, Esther.

- I've only been
black five minutes

and already I'm fed up
with your neighborhood.

(gun firing)

- Well, that's it for
the Martino, but.

Well, what have you got
here, Martino the Mysterious?

- That is the most incredible
feat of magic ever performed,

that's what I've got here.

- What, that the lady
can push a table?

- No, watch this!

Please, this is my finale

and I guarantee it
to be unbelievable!

- Yes.

- I am going to climb
into this washtub

and completely disappear!

I here, disappear!

- I can hardly wait
to see you disappear.

- Right.

Watch this.

- Here he goes, folks.

- One, two, three, four, five!

- He does it by the numbers.

(audience laughing)

Hey, Martino,
that was incredible.

- You can't see me,
I've disappeared!

- Oh!

- There must be a natural
explanation for all of this.

- Neighbours?

- [Group] Yeah?

- It is written that Samson
defeated his opponents

with the jawbone of an ass.

Judging by the last election,

many modern politicians are
still using the same weapon.

If you want a policy
that is the best

Honesty's the one you oughta buy

Somehow it is
niftier than all the rest

Honesty's the
thing you gotta try

Here's why I always
try to be honest

Truthfully honest
Honestly honest with you

So if I tell ya you're a
drunkard and a crashing bore

What in heaven's name
are really good friends for

- My aunt, my aunt was so fat,

she could play ring
around the rosy by herself.

- Oh, bless her heart.

I come from a
family that's so dumb,

the average intelligence
is below average.

- Oh, let's be honest.

My boyfriend is so skinny

that if he stands sideways
and stick his tongue out,

he'd look like a zipper!

- As long as we're being honest,

my hometown is so backward,

that they show all-star
bowling on educational TV!

I always try to be truthful

Totally truthful

Truthfully truthful with you

So if I say you got the kind
of face that stops the clock

Oh, that is no aspersion

That's a healthy knock

- My mother, God
love her, is so fat

that the Boy Scouts ask her

if they can roll her
across the street.

(laughing)

- Bless her heat!

Well that's nothing.

My sister, God
love her, is so ugly

she ate a poisoned
apple and it died.

(laughing)

- Well, telling the
truth about Barbara,

bless her tap shoes,

she's just been
declared a non-combatant

in the sexual revolution.

(laughing)

You got a rotten
mouth And you're a loser

You haven't got a
dime And you're uncouth

You are a spineless louse

And you're a loser

But at least you know the truth

- My boyfriend, God
love him, is so fat

when he goes for walks,
he gets stuck in alleys.

(laughing)

- I know a girl who was so dumb,

she thought Big Ben was
Hoss Cartwright's father!

(laughing)

- I know a girl, heaven
bless her, who is so fat

she has a night
job as a mattress.

I always try to be forthright

Forcefully forthright

Fearlessly forthright with you

So if I say you make a
mess of everything that you do

I'm just being honest
with you, that's true

Just being honest
with you (laughing)

- My cousin Evelyn is so dumb,

she thinks a sandwich

is someone who puts a
spell on Fire Island Beach.

- (laughing) That's nothing!

And I'm being very
honest when I tell you

that my best friend is so ugly

that she had a
beauty mark transplant

but her body rejected it!

(audience laughing)

- Being perfectly frank,
Johnny Brown, you are so fat

you could go to a
masquerade party as

Minnesota, Indiana,
Pennsylvania and a part of Illinois.

(laughing)

- You're a lying creep!

- A sloppy drinker!

- Oh, you are an evil man!

- And a whiny bore!

- You are a worthless fiend!

- A crummy sticker!

- But at least I know the score!

Yes sir I always
try to be honest

Truthfully honest
Always be honest with you

So if I say your reverent
day on Earth is long overdue

I'm just being honest
with you Yes sir

Just being honest with you

(audience applauding)

- And that's the truth.

(sped-up silly music)

- Mr. Bishop, you have had

two tasteful television
programs of your own.

Have you ever
considered doing a show

that didn't involve comedy?

- No, this is the first time.

- Mr. Bishop, that was not
very tasteful, nor very funny.

Truthful, but not tasteful.

- May I ask you something?

Do you ever smile?

- No, I have the
same problem you do.

Those muscles are dead.

(audience laughing)

- And that's the truth.

(whimsical music)

- Open Sesame!

Open Sesame!

(audience laughing)

- What are you knitting?

- A see-through blouse.

(laughing)

- Just think, friends.

- [Group] Yeah.

- If Moses were around
to part the Red Sea today,

there would be 200 guys
with surfboards standing by

to ride the wave.

(audience laughing)

- Dick?

- Hmm?

- Tonight we're going to examine

our institutions of
corrective rehabilitation

as Laugh-In looks at the
mod world of modern prisons.

- Boy, that's astounding.

- What's astounding?

- Well, did you know that 80%
of an iceberg is under water?

- Wait a minute,
what about prisons?

- 80% of prisons
are under water?

- No!

Prisons are our mod
world topic tonight.

- Oh.

- You suddenly
talk about icebergs.

- Well, I'd love to.

I say let's stop
wasting our icebergs,

they're really very handy.

- Handy?

- Sure.

- For what?

- Well, just melt
one near Cleveland

and throw in a few old
tires, beer cans and, bingo,

a brand new Lake Eerie.

(laughing)

- Can we get back to prisons?

- Never, I'm an innocent man.

- You know, actually, you've
made an interesting point,

I don't know that
you intended to,

but it's entirely possible

that quite a lot
of guys are in jail

that don't belong there at all.

- Yeah, that's funny.

That happened to my uncle Clyde.

He was railroaded into prison.

- No kidding.

He was framed, huh?

- No, he got caught
holding up a train.

(laughing)

- Railroaded, all right.

- And then my aunt Bonnie,
she tried to help him escape.

She hid a stick of
dynamite inside the cake.

- Oh, very shrewd.

How'd that work out?

- Well, not so good.

You see, Aunt Bonnie put
the dynamite in the cake

before she baked it, you see?

(laughing)

- That was a dumb thing to do.

- Well, like everybody
said after it was over,

that's Bonnie all over.

(laughing)

- Well, I suppose
Uncle Clyde's still in jail?

- Yeah, but he doesn't mind.

He's their most
important prisoner.

- Wait a minute.

What do you mean he's the most?

Every prisoner
in the penitentiary

is just as important
as the other one.

- Oh yeah?

Well how come he's
the only one there

with an unlisted number?

- You got me.

- See?

- Well, I hope Uncle
Clyde's watching now

'cause it's time for Laugh-In

to take a look at
modern prisons.

- Okay, go directly
to jail, do not pass go

and do not collect $200

and stay off Park Place.

- Okay, you're coming
with me, that's enough.

- Hey, wait a minute!

(energetic music)

Rob a bank Drop a bomb

Take an ax and murder Tom

And we're gonna have
to send you up the river

Crack a safe Steal a car

Start a riot in a bar

We're gonna have to
throw you in the cooler

In the clink, in the pen

In the hoosegow once again

In the chair, in the noose

Welcome to the
calaboose Break the law

Shirk the Man

Oh, we're gonna
throw you in the can

A lifetime with no bail No bail

We're gonna put
your body in jail

Or maybe prison

We're gonna put your body in

Jail (audience applauding)

(phone ringing)

- Yes?

Oh, yes, Governor.

Oh, thank you, Governor.

- Oh, what did he say?

- Oh, have I got a
big shock for you!

- Oh, tell!

What is it?

- This.

(audience laughing)

- I sentence you to
99 years in prison.

- I'm 70 years old, I
couldn't do 99 years.

- Do the best you can.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

- They're trying to soften
things just a little bit

at one prison I know.

They're calling solitary
confinement cells for singles only.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, what are you in for, sir?

- I hit a cop.

What did you do?

- Well, I expressed
the ideals of

a frustrated faction
helplessly tyrannized

by minions of a
monolithic establishment.

- What does that mean?

- I hit a cop too.

(audience laughing)

- The Justice
Department denied rumors

that some prisons
are so antiquated

that they still have
coal-burning electric chairs.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, Johnson,

you've been on good
behavior for five years,

which entitles you to an
overnight visit from your wife.

Come on in!

(laughing)

- Oh, Helen.

Helen, you don't know
how much I've missed you

these five years.

Ooh, I can hardly wait
to hold you in my arms!

- (laughing) Oh,
not tonight, Rudy.

I just had my hair done.

(audience laughing)

(bowling pins crashing)

- There was a prison break
in New York City today.

No one was trying
to escape, it's just that

the prison was so old
and overcrowded, it broke.

(audience laughing)

- The next man up
for parole is 43534.

Man has a long
record as a car thief,

second-story man and
a notorious cat burglar.

- And has he changed
while in prison?

- Well, he's now
considered fit for society.

He's trained as an
electrical engineer.

- It's thanks to 12478.

He taught me
everything he knows.

- Parole granted.

Next, 98765.

Now here is a sex offender,
bank robber, confirmed sadist.

Now thanks to prison, we
think he's ready for parole.

Has a lawyer.

- And what do you owe
this change to, young man?

- To 12478.

He taught me
everything he knows.

- Parole granted.

Now 12478.

This man came to us
as a minor offender.

He was a college professor

and an engineer,
doctor and a lawyer.

He was sent up for jaywalking.

(audience laughing)

- Surely there's
no problem here.

- He must be ready
to return to society.

- Well, you would think
so but since being here,

he's become a bad
troublemaker, morally offensive,

he's beaten up on other
inmates, started two riots

and he stole my car.

(audience laughing)

- Well, my goodness.

In great heaven's name,
how did this happen?

- It's them.

They taught me
everything they know.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Dale, here's the
cake your wife sent you.

- Chocolate.

- Whitey.

(audience laughing)

(energetic music)

(bowling pins crashing)

- Well, I've already
served five years

and I've only got 10 more to go.

- Yeah, well you're lucky.

I've been here five years

and my trial ain't
even come up yet.

(audience laughing)

Gotta get a little shut eye.

- Good.

I can watch you sleep.

- The exigences of
imminent confoundments

covertly obtaining
with the nexus

of my cataclysmic matrix
inevitably predicates that

whoa me, I is in big trouble

unless we soon
gets a prison break,

I mean, a station break.

K-cha, k-cha, k-cha.

(lively band music)

(phone ringing)

- Just when I try to
get my work done.

Who, oh.

Uh-huh.

Well, that seems all right.

Okay, bye.

That was the governor.

- Oh, what'd he say?

- He said goodbye.

- Really?

(audience laughing)

(energetic music)

- I hate horizontal stripes.

They make me look so chunky.

(audience laughing)

- Some persons have
an ingenious new method

of keeping prisoners
from wanting to break out.

They let them watch
the 11 o'clock news.

(audience laughing)

- In recent years, a new
kind of penology has emerged,

creating the
progressive penitentiary.

Thank you.

- First time inside, kid?

- Yeah.

- Well, don't worry,
you'll get used to it.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- What's that?

- Forget it.

You'll meet plenty of
them at the singles mixer.

- The what?

- The singles mixer!

Hi.

- Hi.

- What's that?

- It's the golf pro.

- The golf pro?

- Took 15 strokes off my
game, fraud for good behavior.

- I can't believe it.

- Ugh.

What time you got?

- Here.

- Hmm.

Let's get down to the chapel,

I wanna get a good
table for the show.

- There's a show?

- Mm-hmm.

We got Al Martino
in the main room

and Mickey Manners
in the lounge.

- Psst, the tunnel's finished.

We're all set for tonight.

- Good.

How many?

- Five.

Okay? Okay.

- They busting out?

- They're busting in.

(audience laughing)

- To see Al Martino?

- Mickey Manners.

- Mickey Manners!

(laughing)

- You know, I know a prison

where they really make
the inmates comfortable.

In fact, they just put in
a contour electric chair.

(laughing)

(silly music)

The trouble I've
seen Nobody know

- I understand.

Somebody know
The trouble I've seen

- I sentence you to
six months in prison.

- Your Honor, you know
how crowded the prisons are.

We can't jam one more man in.

- I know.

Three nights in Cleveland.

- Too long!

No! (crying)

- Watch out with the shoving!

- I'm sorry!

- I ain't seen you
around here before,

you must be new here.

- Ah, I've been in
this cell for six months.

- I've been here for five
months, where you been?

- In the back near the washroom.

- You mean there's a
washroom back there?

- Yeah, but if you
wanna use the washroom

you gotta take a number.

- Okay.

- 97?

- [Gary] Number three's
turn for the washroom.

- I'll have to wait for days!

- Stop worrying.

- Don't worry.

Look, it'll take you that long
to get back there anyway.

- And by that time
it won't matter.

Let me tell you
something, this is ridiculous.

It's so crowded in here,

I can't even bend
over to tie my shoe.

- Look, why don't you
give the midget a quarter,

he'll tie it for ya.

- A midget?

I didn't know we
had a midget in here.

Where is he?

(screaming)

- There he is now.

- That's it, cut!

I can't take it anymore!

I've gotta get outta here!

- There is no way out!

- I can't stay.

Yes there is, watch this.

Guard!

- What is it?

I'm filling up little nut
cups for the warden's party.

- How cute.

Take this.

- Hey, what did you do that for?

- Well, when he comes to,
they'll throw me in solitary.

- What are you talking about?

This is solitary!

(audience laughing)

- I just read where
a famous track star

was given the chair for murder

and when it came his time, oh,

he did the last mile in three
minutes and 58 seconds.

Hubba hubba!

(stomping feet)

Into dirt, in the jog

In the pokey goes the mug

Get the chains, get the rack

Cat o' nine tails on
his back Shoot the gun

Stab the wife You'll
get a solitary life

A white lie and
blackmail Black mail

We're gonna put
your body in jail

Or maybe Sing Sing

We're gonna put your body in

Jail (audience applauding)

- Well, so much for
our look at prisons.

Richard, do you think your
uncle Clyde was watching?

- Oh, didn't I tell you?

He's out now.

He's very busy, a new career,

something he learned in prison.

- Ah, that's great.

What is he, a
mechanic, an engineer?

- No, actually,
he's an embezzler.

He picked it up from a cellmate.

(audience laughing)

- That's a shame.

Well, doesn't he realize
he'll just get caught again?

- Well, yeah, but what the heck?

Our prison systems
can't be all bad.

- What do you mean?

- Well, according
to what I read,

more than half of the
prisoners paroled come back.

(audience laughing)

- I think you've just hit
the jail right on the head.

("Pop Goes the Weasel")

- Pick a card, any card.

Go ahead.

- Spiro Agnew.

- Ah, you lose.

- I know, I know.

(audience laughing)

- It's very interesting,
but it's too serious

with old smiley
there walking around

like The Last Days
of Pom-po-pee-pee.

(audience laughing)

- Were you talking
about me, Wolfpack?

- That's Wolfgang, Bashop.

- It's not Bashop,
that's Bishop, Wolfpack.

- Bishop Wolfpack, huh?

(laughing)

Are you related to
the bishops of Rome

or the wolf packs of Russia?

(laughing)

What's the matter with you?

How come you never laugh?

- It's very easy to
explain, Wolfgang.

Actually, it's as simple as ABC.

- Oh, no wonder you never laugh.

Listen, go to my bunker
and tune in on channel 14.

It'll make you feel at home.

- There is nothing
on channel 14.

- I told you it would
make you feel at home.

(audience laughing)

Bashop Wolfpack. (laughing)

Get off the potty, kid.

Come on, we'll go...

- Here is another
handy household hint.

A cleaned pumpkin gourd

weighted with sand
and painted red

will make an interesting
addition to your garbage.

(whimsical music)

- Open Sesame!

Hey, guys, come on!

Nevermind, guys.

(audience laughing)

- It's nature's way of
going booga booga!

(audience laughing)

- This is a wonderful group
known as the People Tree.

That's Rusty, Bob,
Philip and Brenda.

I'm sorry.

That's Brenda.

This is Bob.

We would like to do a folk song.

Now, there are different
kinds of folk songs.

There are old folks
songs, young folk songs

and folksy folk songs.

You're lucky.

Tonight we're doing
a folksy folk song.

This song is
dedicated to a railroad

which is slowly but
surely becoming extinct.

And we thought perhaps
by doing this song,

we in our own little way

could keep that railroad
alive a few more years.

Good luck, Lionel!

(upbeat folk music)

(audience laughing)

You know, I wish I'd
have gotten here sooner,

then maybe I'd have
been gone by now.

(audience laughing)

- Not bad. (laughing)

Not bad, pretty funny (laughing)

for a Jewish bishop. (laughing)

(audience laughing)

- Open Sesame!

Open Sesame!

- Hey, Evan! (hiccups)

Did ya ever hear about the
two old maids who got sick?

One had a cold and
the other had yours.

- What's yours?

- I'll have the usual.

(laughing)

Gotcha!

- Doris, you are a card.

- I'm a whole deck.

(laughing)

You know what?

I'll say one good
thing about you.

(audience laughing)

- Well, don't look at me.

I can't think of one
good thing anyway.

(laughing)

- You don't wanna
let drinking interfere

with your daily activities.

- Do you know why that is?

That's because drinking
is my daily activity.

(laughing)

Heya, smiley!

How about a drink?

Ah!

(audience laughing)

I got it.

There you go.

- Thank you.

Young lady?

- Yeah?

- May I ask you the
pleasure of this dance?

- Oh my! (laughing)

I'd love to!

(audience laughing)

- You know something?

- Hmm?

- I'm glad we met.

- Hmm.

- Lately I had a lot
of trouble, excuse me,

a lot of trouble
relating to women.

- How come?

- My wife keeps interfering.

(laughing)

- I'll drink to that!

- Thanks for the dance.

- [Dick and Joey]
You're welcome.

- I must be going.

- Hey, you know what?

Your husband is
one heck of a fella.

- My husband?

Ha, I thought he was your wife!

(audience laughing)

(lively band music)

- Okay, commercial for the
birth control pill, take two.

Cue the, you wanna
wait for the cue?

Cut.

You wanna break that up, please?

That prop man is always early.

(lively music)

Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Up to here with
whirling and dervishing

Everything's in
need of refurbishing

This old dump is
so cockamamie-ah

We may twirl to Mesopotamia

It was once a turban
and fancy place

(singing gibberish) dancey place

And now it's dull and
everyone's singing the blues

La da dee doos
Ladies and gentlemen

Baghdad looks at the news Ah

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- [Gary] And now,
here's the Laugh-In news

with Gary Nation, intemperate,

Rip Van Winkle, insomnia,

Owen Corey, incoherent,

Malcolm Mitchell, incessant

and Christine
Jorgensen, indignant.

(audience laughing)

- This is Dan Rowan
in the White House.

- This is Dick Martin
in the dog house.

(audience laughing)

Washington DC, the
Federal Aviation Agency

today came up
with a sure-fire way

to cut down on future
plane hijackings.

They plan to change the
name of Cuba to Burbank

because they know there isn't
anyone who wants to go there.

(audience laughing)

- That's not really true.

Dateline: Washington.

In an effort to present truth
in advertising on television,

the Federal Trade Commission

has been cracking
down on sponsors

making false claims
about their product.

This development could even mean

the end to all
political advertising.

(audience laughing)

- Washington DC.

The Voyeurs of
America marched...

- [Dan] The what?

- Voyeurs of America.

(audience laughing)

Marched on Washington
today in support of pornography.

6,000-strong and they
rallied behind their slogan,

"Power to the peephole."

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

- News of the future, 1972.

The Gay Liberation Front

has taken over Alpine
Country, California.

The plan is that all
problems will be solved

by the city fathers.

Their first problem, however,
was finding a city father.

(audience laughing)

- Now an important word from

the American
Medical Association.

- Kidneys.

- Hi. (laughs)

This is Rambling Ruth
Buzzi from Tinseltown

stopping another
vicious Hollywood rumor.

(laughs)

There is no truth to the gossip

that last week Kate
Smith and Ernest Borgnine

met at a nudist colony

and are still planning to
see a lot more of each other.

(audience laughing)

Bye bye. (laughs)

Kissy kissy. (laughs)

- We all hear about the winners,

but we never hear about losers,

so as a Laugh-In news feature,

we now take you to the
headquarters of the Losers' Club

located on the dry bed
of a formerly polluted river.

Mr. Tebott, how did
you become president

of the Losers' Club?

- I lost the election.

(audience laughing)

Would you like to hear a
recording of my rejection speech?

- Well, yes we would.

- [Recording] I I I I I.

(audience laughing)

- Well anyway, after I lost,

I met with my wife to celebrate.

That's how I did this.

- How did that happen?

- Some guy stepped on it.

I was looking for my
wife's diamond ring.

- Did you find it?

- You're kidding.

By the way, when will I be
able to hear this interview?

- Oh, I'm sorry,

the tape broke and
I didn't get a word.

- Figures.

- Well, good luck.

- Thanks.

(audience laughing)

- You oughta get
that desk fixed.

- I just had it fixed.

(audience laughing)

- Congress now
seems certain to boost

the annual pension
for retired ex-presidents

from $25,000 to $60,000 a year.

To give us an instant
analysis of that report,

come in, Eric Clarify.

- Now this of course will
only affect our presidents

when and if they retire.

Now, President Nixon
retires at about 11 o'clock,

but whenever Vice
President Agnew

appears on the
Johnny Carson show,

then President Nixon
retires at 10 o'clock,

unless he gets a phone call,

of course from Martha Mitchell,

in which case he doesn't
get any sleep at all.

Thank you.

Stay until the little red light.

Okay.

- And now for an instant
analysis of Eric Clarify,

we switch you to Chet Humpley.

- The man is a yoyo.

He should be put to sleep.

I'm so embarrassed for him.

La la dee da Ladies
and gentlemen

Laugh-In looked at the news

(audience applauding)

- Joey, whatever
happened to Regis Philbin?

- Nothing.

He was always that way.

(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)

(sped-up silly music)

- Oh, Joey, gee,
it's good to see you.

It's just so good to see you!

What have you been doing lately?

- Well, mostly I've
been working close.

- Really?

How are the tips?

(audience laughing)

- And I'm just tickling my nose

and it feels real interesting.

You know what?

I don't like candy or ice
cream, I just hate 'em,

and I just love vegetables.

I eat spinach and I love
Brussels sprouts and I love beets.

And mama says if
you're a good person

you should give up what you like

and eat what you don't like,

so I eat lots of
candy and ice cream.

But it's just to be a good girl.

And that's the truth.

(audience laughing)

- Next time you
visit your dentist,

have him check to see if there's

an evil troll living
under your bridge.

(lively band music)

- I hear that Lester Maddox
is afraid of dark alleys,

especially one
called Muhammad Ali.

(audience laughing)

- I ruined a perfectly
good dress last night.

Somebody painted my lamppost.

(audience laughing)

- I have a patient who
suffers from a split personality

and now I'm having a little
problem collecting my fee.

He keeps telling me he
thought the other guy paid the bill.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell you how bad things
are getting at my school.

We had a creative
writing contest

and the winning entry was
the wall in the boys' washroom.

(audience laughing)

- I'm a little concerned
about the way

our precinct captain
hands out assignments.

He goes down the line saying,

"This little piggy gets traffic,

"this little piggy
gets foot patrol."

(audience laughing)

- Later while no
one was looking.

(lively band music)

- A lot of kids, they
must want to be cowboys.

You see so many of them
rolling their own cigarettes.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

- How you doing, chubs?

(laughing)

You seem to have a
little weight problem.

- We sure do.

I mean, every time we ask for

more progress towards equality,

somebody says, "Wait! Wait!"

Now, that's a wait problem.

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) Right on.

(audience laughing)

- How would you like
to come up to my place

and watch the big game?

- Who's playing?

- You, I hope.

(audience laughing)

- Boy, this movie business
is really frustrating.

Just last week, I ended
up on the cutting room floor

and I wasn't even in the movie.

Boy, those floors are slippery.

(audience laughing)

- There are many people who say

that President Nixon
will be reelected

because he'll end the
war in Vietnam by 1972.

Maybe if we move
the election up a year,

he'll end the war in 1971.

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) Oh,
settle down, Tootsie.

(laughing)

You know, I saw this
year's Miss America contest.

It's amazing how much you
resemble one of the participants.

- Oh, thanks!

Which one?

- Bert Parks.

(laughing)

- You look like a
market opening.

(laughing)

- I'm teaching a
beautiful young housewife

how to play my favorite game.

Today we worked
on ground strokes,

tomorrow I start
teaching her tennis.

(audience laughing)

- There's a new kind of
remote control for television.

It's called the White House.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- David?

Would you do your famous
Groucho Marx impression?

- You bet your life.

- Good, because I
really would like to see it.

(audience laughing)

- For a look at
education in the past,

we take you to a
classroom in Genoa, Italy

back in the 1400s.

- All right now, fourth graders.

Have we all studied our
geography lesson for today?

- [Students] Yes, teacher.

- Now, what is the
shape of the world?

- [Students] Flat.

- Wrong.

- Now, if we travel too
far out on the ocean,

we fall off the
edge of the earth

because the world is what?

- [Students] Flat.

- Wrong.

- Christopher, now
you listen to me.

The Queen says
the earth is flat,

the King says the earth is flat

and the wise men
say the earth is flat.

Now, here is a
shape of the world.

This proves that the
world is flat, flat, flat.

- Wrong, wrong, wrong.

- Christopher, if
you know so much,

would you please
stand up, face the class

and enlighten us as to
the true shape of the world?

- The world is
shaped like a chicken.

- Oh!

Christopher,
Christopher Teedlebaum!

There is no hope for you!

You will become a bum
like your uncle Leif Ericstein!

(audience laughing)

- The world is shaped
like a matzah ball?

- Oh!

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be

(lively conversation)

- Whoops, here's Joe.

- Dan.

- Hey, Joe.

- I just want to say I don't
know how to repay you guys

for having me on your show.

- It's all right.

- But so help me, I'll
find a way to get even.

(audience laughing)

- He kind of gives you a
shot when he leaves, huh?

Is he still on?

- On what?

(laughing)

(silly music)

- [Gary] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

were brought to you by Breck,

makers of all those beautiful
products for beautiful hair.

(whimsical music)

- Ralph!

- It's Ralph Edwards!

(audience applauding)

This is my life!

It's me!

Hey, mom!

It's my life!

This is my life!

- We're going to do a life.

We're going to do a life,

we're going to do
a life here tonight.

- It's me, isn't it?

- Well, there may not
be enough relatives.

You know how it is, Dick.

- Oh, I thought it was me.

- We've done a lot of
researching on both of,

well, I'll tell you, it is a...

- Who could it be?

- I give you Arte.

- Oh, it's Arte!

(group applauding)

- This is for real,
this is for real.

We're doing a This Is
Your Life on someone on.

- Oh, I'm so excited!

This is my life!

(heated discussion)

- Who knows?

Watch for it and see!

- Oh, I wish they were
gonna show my life.

- Why?

- Well, I've always wanted to
know how it's gonna turn out.

- Well, what do
you think about this?

- It's time to say
goodnight, Dick.

- Just a second.

- What just a second?

- I am writing a
letter of protest.

- Oh, what about?

- Well, it's about
finished is what it's about,

just one more line and

what is it when it's
something you're,

you're against
something, what is that?

- What?

- You're against
something, what is that?

- Anti?

- Ah!

Auntie Bertha,
nice of you to ask.

She's just fine, thank you

and she thought you might
like to hear what she said

the time she was
trapped for three days

under Buckingham
Palace in the dressing room

of the Queen's grenadier.

- I'd really rather not.

- No, that's what the
sergeant major said.

(audience laughing)

Actually, what Aunt
Bertha said was,

"I can't remember
when I've had more fun

"watching the
changing of the guard."

(audience laughing)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick and
goodnight, Aunt Bertha!

- Goodnight, everybody.

(audience applauding)

- Did you hear about
the religious young lady

who took Saint Joseph's
aspirin instead of the pill

and then prayed for a miracle?

(audience laughing)

- You know what
you'd get if you crossed

Lawrence Welk with a Russian?

- [Dan] What?

- A red square.

(audience laughing)

- Do you believe in black magic?

- What?

- Do you believe in black magic?

- Oh, I firmly believe
in black magic.

- Well, in that case,
pick a card, mama.

(audience laughing)

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Millard Fillmore.

- You're late.

- That's right, the
late Millard Fillmore.

(audience laughing)

- Joey!

- What!

- Do you believe
black is beautiful?

- I did until I met Moms Mabley.

(laughing)

- What do you get if you cross

a sexy, beautiful
single girl with the pill?

- A large group of bachelors.

(laughing)

- If you've been
out drinking all night,

what's the first thing you do

when you get up
the next morning?

- I try to find my way home.

- Hey, Dan?

- Yes?

- Dan, knock knock.

- Hello, who's there?

- Spiro.

- Spiro who?

- Oh, you better not let
him hear you say that.

(audience laughing)

- There's this place in Tibet

where you can look
forward to living 115 years.

No one's ever made it,

but it's something
to look forward to.

(audience laughing)

- My aunt swallowed
10 chars of glue.

- Why?

- We'll never know,
her lips are sealed.

(audience laughing)

- Somebody stole my notes.

- There is this place
that is so heavenly,

you can live for... - 115 years.

- I didn't know they all
played games back here.

(laughing)

This is more fun than the show.

Knock knock.

- [Dan] Who's there?

- Just a moment!

I would like the
full stage, please.

Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- President Hubert Humphrey.

- President?

Hubert Humphrey's not president.

- I know, but he
asked me to say it.

(audience laughing)

- There's this place in Japan

where you can look
forward to living...

(upbeat music)

(sheep bleating)

- (laughing) Oh!

- Open Sesame!

- Blah Blah!

(audience laughing)

- Son of a gun.

- And in conclusion,

an interesting thing happened
to me on my way here tonight.

I saw an old man
who I would take to be

about 80 to 85 years old

and he was being
mugged to a pulp

by four little children.

And I couldn't help but notice

that one child was
Jewish, one was Negro,

yet another was Spanish
and yet another was Italian.

You know, if
these little children

can learn to play together.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, that's heavy.

Bye.

(one person applauding)