Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 15 - Episode #4.15 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Oh, Johnny, if you
woke up one morning
and discovered
that I was your wife,
would you smother
me with diamonds?
- I'd use anything I
could get my hands on.
(audience laughs)
- True love is
finding a lipstick mark
on your husband's shirt collar
and then calling the
laundress for an explanation.
(rim shot)
- It's alright for a girl to have
a head on her shoulders,
if it's a different
one every night.
- I could've sworn I heard
the wail of a downhearted frail.
- If I can just stay this way
until the ambulance comes,
I can sue for whiplash.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Non-existant
Broadcasting Company,
suffers its first New
Year's hangover
by presenting Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring party favor Dan Rowen,
and noisemaker Dick Martin.
With special guests of
this, or any other year,
Mr.. William F. Buckley,
and Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
Plus, Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips and
Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word of caution
to all of you who will be out
on the highway
this New Year's Eve.
Get back in your car.
Now, here is Dan Rowen
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- They think it's the
Dave Garaway show.
- Yes, they think it's
the Dave Garaway show.
Well, welcome to all you
galestorm fans once again.
Hey we have a year...
(audience cheers)
More already?
Our kind of group.
- That's right, drunks
- Right, good evening and
what a year in show we have,
that's what I wanted to say.
We got a great show
for the end of the year.
- That's true.
William F. Buckley is
going to make his debut
in a musical variety show.
- That's right and we have
some other surprise
guests for you.
- Yes, like John Wayne,
Raquel Welch, Jack Lemon
- No, they're not on the show.
- Surprise!
- We're also going to look
at some of the great events
that made 1970 a year to forget.
- Ah, wait a minute.
1970 is not a year
to be forgotten.
- Why not?
- I forgot.
- I see.
While Dick is forgetting, here's
a moment to be remembered.
- Don't you really believe
that soaking your hands
in Foon dishwasher liquid
will make them soft again?
- Of course I do, Madge.
- Then why have you
got them in my soup?
- And here's another one.
- Doing this show is
my second favorite thing
in the entire world.
The first is having an
excited hummingbird
fly up my pants leg.
- Phyllis, with all
the cars around,
people aren't using
their legs enough.
- Well I used my legs a lot.
My right leg happens to be a
roadmap of Muncie, Indiana.
- Legs?
I'll show you legs.
(whistles)
Knock it off, I've been
whistled at for the last time!
- Tonight is a very special
and a very exciting occasion
for all of us because
we have with us tonight
a man whom we've tried to
convince to come on this show
since the very beginning.
He's one of the most
intelligent, erudite,
knowledgeable, articulate,
charming, delightful
and controversial men
who has ever consistently
refused to appear on Laugh-In.
- With us now is the
lovely, talented, intelligent
erudite, knowledgeable,
articulate, charming, delightful
and controversial
William F Buckley.
(audience claps)
- We're very
delighted to have you
on the show with us tonight.
- I hope that was a rehearsal,
I'd like to hear it again.
(audience laughs)
- You know so much of your
own show is question and answer,
we're not going to try
and debate with you
because we feel your handicap.
(laughs)
But we decided to
make you feel at home,
are you comfortable there?
We thought we might
go with some questions
and answers if
that's okay with you.
Alright?
Do you have a question?
- Yes, I don't want to start
off with a really loaded one,
but I would, you don't mind
if I ask you just anything huh?
Fine.
How tall is John Wayne?
(audience laughs)
- Oh come on.
- That's too loaded huh?
Ten feet, ten feet tall.
- [Dan] Recently Mr. Buckley,
you did an interview
with Playboy magazine,
now you're on our show.
Would this indicate
you're becoming more hip?
Have you decided to
loosen up a little bit?
Are you becoming a
swinger as they say?
- Well I did an
interview with Playboy
because I decided it was
the only way to communicate
my views to my son.
(laughter)
- Did you look at the
rest of the magazine and...
- I made xerox copies.
- Mr. Buckley, some of the
members of our company
have questions for
you, it's Mr. Alan Sues.
- Mr. Buckley, did
you see the film
Myra Breckinridge and why not?
(laughter)
- Because it...
(audience laughs)
Because it folded
before the New York
Public Transportation
could get me there.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Ruth Buzzi.
- Hello, Mr. Buckley.
Some people say a conservative
is suspicious of liberals,
and an ultra conservative is
suspicious of conservatives.
Could you give any
analogy of a liberal
and an extreme liberal.
(laughter)
- There's no such thing
as an extreme liberal,
the New York Times
wouldn't permit it.
- Artie Johnson.
- Well, the Roosevelts
and the Kennedys
came out of Harvard and
enjoyed great political success.
As graduate of Yale, do you feel
you would've done
better politically
had you attended Harvard?
- Well, I don't know what I
would've done for the country,
but I would've certainly
helped Harvard.
(audience laughs)
- Lily Tomlin.
- (Stuttering) Yes,
I, what I didn't want,
I wanted to have a
sort of general comment
because my topic is
communication of ideas
because I think
Mr. Buckley in a time like this
when, when there's a general,
when the chaos, when people,
there's a general confusion
when people, I think it's,
- I agree.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
I think so.
That's exactly why I
wanted, because uh, I mean,
the copious verborum, and
I thank you for your views.
- You're very welcome.
(laughs)
- Dennis Allen.
- Hi, yes.
Do you feel the only
reason a lot of today's
college revolutionaries aren't
burning down more libraries
is that they don't
know where they are?
- No, they need the
libraries 'cause that's
where they go to find
out how to make bombs.
- Does that answer your
question alright, Mr. Allen?
- [Dennis] That's fine for me.
- Barbara Sharma.
- Hello.
Is it true that your
favorite comedians
are Flip Wilson and
Senator Fulbright?
- I don't think Flip
Wilson is so funny.
(laughter)
(audience applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we will be back shortly
for more questions and answers
with our special
guest, Mr. Bill Buckley!
But right now we
have to go to the party.
(disco music)
- You know I understand
that the President
is going to send
Spiro Agnew around
to improve relations
with unfriendly countries.
But, there is no
truth to the rumor
that the first stop on the
trip will be the United States.
(disco music)
- The cost of living
is getting out of hand.
Do you know, the
consumer price index
is going up one tenth
of one percent a night!
(disco music)
- My latest
psychological experiment.
I fed my dog turkeys
every day for a month,
and yesterday when I was
walking him through Burbank,
he tried to eat NBC.
(disco music)
- I know an actress
who got in trouble
for not taking the pill.
She was practicing
license without medicine.
- Sin by silence when
they should protest,
makes cowards of men.
(shrill laughter)
- Where'd you get that saying?
From some bearded longhair?
- That's right, Abraham Lincoln.
- Oh, I guess he told me.
(party music)
- Boomer here.
This season I
left the Tennis tour
and joined the sexual
freedom league.
Guess what, I was
voted Rookie of the Year
and Most Valuable Player.
(dance music)
- I know a woman who had
to stop taking birth control pills
because she
developed side effects.
Triplets.
(disco music)
- Oh.
I was on special
detail in Central Park,
and yeah, you know I had to
dress up in women's clothes.
I didn't catch any
molesters but I did
have a wonderful evening
of dinner and dancing
with a sailor from
the USS Oklahoma.
(disco music)
- Buena Nota.
Things have been a little
tight for Ari and me lately.
So we had a garage sale.
We made a lot of money.
So far, we've sold
over 600 garages.
(disco music)
- You know even
I'm getting tired
of these girls running
around half naked.
- You're tired of
girls half naked?
- No, I'm tired of
them running around.
(disco music)
(laughs)
- Check these pecs.
Ah, you know big Boomer,
just one little word from you
would really
liven up this party.
- Oh, what do you
want me to say?
- Goodbye.
(laughs)
(kazoo humming)
- I asked my doctor recently
if I should undergo
a change of sex.
He said "from what?"
(rattling)
- Well, just a
minute, just a minute,
just a minute, just a minute.
In this case I think I'd
better call in a regular doctor.
Dr Finster.
- What seems to be the problem?
- She's coughing a lot.
- Oh my heavens, let's see.
- Maybe you'd better
shake that thing again.
- Yes?
(chanting)
- Could I help
you with your bag?
- Oh, sure.
- Hey, hey what are you?
- What are you doing, I
thought it was my brother!
- Get, get, go on, go on.
- Will Judy find
happiness with Bill?
Will Sally find
happiness with Bill?
Will Alicia find
happiness with Bill?
- I dunno, but I got a feeling
Bill's already got
such happiness.
- What would you
get if your crossed
Mae West with Victor Borge?
- I dunno, what?
- A prune Danish.
(audience laughs)
- In just one minute,
it'll be 60 seconds
later than it is right now.
- Hey, you know the
son of a friend of mine
is really happy today.
- Oh, why's that?
- He was just awarded
a bowling scholarship
at the University of Burbank.
- In beautiful downtown Burbank,
it's harder to find temptation
than it is to resist it.
- Oh Carol, I
understand that you
do a nightclub act with 10 men.
Is there any way I
could get into the act?
- Well not right
now, Gladys honey,
but I'll let you know if
one of the boys gets sick.
- Tonight ladies and
gentlemen, has, has, has
- Has, has, has
- Has been our
custom for three years,
- As has been, - Has,
has been our custom
- As has been our custom.
- Look who's giving
speech lessons.
- Whom.
- Youm.
- Meem?
- Yeahm.
You can't say, you're
always complaining
about the dressing rooms.
- Well on the floor
you've got craypet
and I have lolium.
- You've got what?
- Craypet.
- No, no, I have carpet.
- Oh.
- Car-pet.
- Carpet.
- What've you got?
- Lolium.
- There's no such
thing as lolium.
- On the dressing room
floor I've got a lot of lolium.
- You have linolium.
- Lin.
Ol.
Li um.
- Lolium.
- Tonight has, as has been
our custom for three years,
we're going to look at the
past year, which was 1970.
- Horse feathers!
- Very good.
- That's a complete falsehood.
Not once in the last three years
have we ever looked at 1970.
- I mean it's nearly
the end of the year,
and now we're going to look back
and see what happened in 1970.
- Well it's about time.
- What do you
mean it's about time?
- It's just like you,
putting things off
til the last minute.
- If we're gonna
look back at 1970,
the end of the year's a
pretty good time to do it.
- Well if it is, the first good
time we've had in 1970.
- You're right about
that, it wasn't a great year.
I mean with the war, the
crime rate, the economy,
- The crested bullfinch.
- The crested bullfinch?
- Yes, this was the year
the crested bullfinch
became extinct.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, Wednesday a week.
- Wednesday a week?
- The last one passed away.
- Dick with everything
that's going on in the world,
who could possibly worry
about the last crested bullfinch?
- Well, the last crested
bullfinch for one.
- It was a bad year
for crested bullfinches,
but look at what else happened.
The sparrows have
made out all right.
The robins, the bluebirds...
- Well that certainly
proves one thing,
- What's that?
- Well, 1970 was sure
a year for the birds.
- Year for the birds, maybe so.
But it behooves us to
take a look back anyway.
Happy New Year, Happy New Year,
Happy New New Year.
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
'cause the last one
was a year to forget.
We hope the movies
straighten out at least a smidge,
'Cause we can't take
another Myra Breckinridge.
I make the mark a
dippin' down to the bottom,
And the many
causin' all of the fuss.
Well step and be
one, It better be fun,
'Cause '70 was boo for us.
A real hisser.
'70 was boo for us.
- In 1970, Martha
Mitchell brought
a lot of problems to a head.
So that now when you
call the Mitchell home,
you have to state
which John you want.
- In 1970, Penn
Central and Mia Farrow
both went into the
hands of receivers.
- In 1970, Christine Jorgensen
claimed she was belittled
by Vice President Agnew.
The Vice President
allegedly stated
that due to her
notoriety, Miss Jorgensen
had lost her right to privacy.
In the same year,
the Vice President
complained about being
put on a wrist watch.
- Truman Capote,
finding himself in jail,
was the first convict who sang
if I had the wings of an angel,
over these prison
walls I would fly, and did.
- Pornography was a major
issue across the land in 1970,
as concerned citizens everywhere
convened to study the problem.
- Mr. Traviasis, let
me see that book,
20 Fun Things to
do at an Adult Party.
- Mr. Casmeier, are you
finished with that film strip
from the movie Gidget Goes Male?
- Well, Ms. Debit,
what do you think?
- I think this is filthy,
disgusting trash.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
How about you Mr. Traviasis?
- Well, the moral fiber of
the entire country is at stake.
Somehow we've just got
to stamp out this menace.
- Do we all agree?
I say yes.
- I say yes.
- Yes!
- How about you Ms. Smocher?
Mr. Werner?
Ms. Smocher?
Well that's three
for, two against.
- Extra, Extra!
President says
inflation is ended.
- Oh I'll take a paper, sonny.
- Okay, here you are.
- Here's ten dollars.
- Okay, and here's your change.
(disco music)
- Dean Martin and Frank
Sinatra left the Democrats
for Republican Ronald Reagan.
First time they've ever switched
from Scotch to an Old Fashioned.
- 1970 was the year
that thousands of people
put anti air pollution
stickers on their cars,
and drove around
polluting the air.
- Bras and the Smothers Brothers
found themselves
in the same situation.
Both were taken off.
- In 1970, almost
every TV program
tried to feature at
least one performer
who represented
the black people.
In fact, there was only
one show who seemed
to avoid the black issue
completely, that was Julia.
- Bill Buckley was a
very big thing in 1970.
Why don't we see more of him?
- We will in just
a little while.
- Well hurry up, he's funny.
- He is a hoot.
- In 1970, a private
survey showed
many popular breakfast
cereals are alleged
to contain little or
no nutritional value.
We now take you to
an in-depth interview
with a former sports champion
who for years has been
the popular spokesman
for one of these cereals.
- Yes, kiddies, eat Foon Flakes
and you too can grow
up to be a champion.
- Excuse me, Mr. Tibbit,
I'm here to find out
what you think of the
report which claims
that Foon Flakes have
no nutritional value.
- Snap, crackle and poppycock.
- But it states right
here on the box
that a bowl of Foon
Flakes does contain
certain nutrients
such as calcium.
- Yes, particularly
if you drink the milk.
- And dextrose.
- Yes, particularly
if you eat the sugar.
- And iron.
- Yes, particularly if
you swallow the spoon.
(disco music)
- Oh gosh, how about
this Ralph Nader.
- What, what.
What's his latest crusade?
- He's fabulous.
He wants to, it's
consumer protection.
- Oh.
- He wants to put an end
to people having to pay
for something
they're not getting.
- Hey, that's terrific!
I can stop paying alimony.
- Oh yeah, this was the
year that Frank Sinatra
turned down singing occasions
in both Las Vegas
and New Jersey.
Oops, I thought I was taller.
In 1970, immigration
moved as its usual pace,
and so did Georgie Jeffs.
Hi, I'm Tony Curtis.
I went to London
where certain authorities
claimed I was trying to
start a grassroots movement.
I love you, Spartacus.
Well President Nixon brought
some life to San Clemente,
and San Clemente
hoped to return the favor.
Happy New Year, Happy New Year,
Happy New New Year.
We hope the year
ahead is perfectly groovy
'Cause the last year
was a bummer you bet.
Pollution, populations
and other sins,
Like Nixon gettin' stoned
and Mia havin' twins.
There are all these names
that nobody's heard of
And those
advertisers leaving TV.
The last 52 may make it for you,
They didn't do a thing for me
Just higher taxes.
Didn't do a thing for me.
- Last year the Women's
Liberation Group,
and the Gay Liberation Front
tried to solve
their differences.
Only to find out
there were none.
- You know there were
more holdups in 1970
than any other year.
Holdups in tax
reform, integration,
and in the Paris peace talks.
- And in 1970,
- Senator Strom
Thurmond had a baby at 67.
Which is pretty old for a baby.
- And last year
television boldly presented
a completely new line
up of last year's shows.
- If anyone know the
whereabouts of Timothy Leary,
please tell him.
- We'll be right back with more
about the things that
plagued us in 1970.
After this very
tasteful example.
(thud)
- And now this
commercial message.
- Henri, I'm waiting.
Oh.
Let's hope the 12 upfront
make a year to remember
'Cause the 12 behind
made a year to forget.
When all those big attempts
at peace again have failed,
And poor old Henry Fonda
found his daughter jailed.
But with the women's
lib and gay liberation,
With the violence
and student unrest.
The 365 may keep you alive,
The last one
didn't do their best.
To put it mildly.
The last ones
didn't do their best.
- Do you know what led
to our problems in 1970?
- No, what?
- All of our problems in 1969.
- That's tacky but it's true.
- In 1970, Indians took over
the barren rock
known as Alcatraz.
It was the best piece of
real estate they acquired
since Death Valley.
- And this was the year the
city of Newark, New Jersey
did something Los Angeles
has never been able to do.
They found a way to keep
their mayor in one place.
(disco music)
- Hi, Big Al here.
(bell rings)
oh, I love that bell.
A tinkle a day, keeps
the doctor away.
Well, the 1970 sports scene,
like many other
aspects of last year,
was dominated by Spiro T. Agnew.
In a golf game,
he hit his partner
on the head with a drive.
Oh mashy, mashy.
He managed also to skull
his partner in a tennis match.
However there is
no truth to the rumor
that the Vice
President was then told
to take up the boomerang.
Oh.
Ta-ta.
- Then in October, Muhammed
Ali returned to the ring
after a three and
a half year exile,
and defeated Jerry Quarry.
- Clay was nothin' it was a
lucky 211 punches, that's all.
- Integration in the
south during 1970,
took on its own peculiar style.
Some schools
integrated, some didn't,
and others...
- Alright, attention
to roll call.
William Pierce?
10 demerits, late.
Lucy Robins?
10 demerits, late.
Johnny Brown?
- I'm here teacher.
- 10 demerits, early.
Your mother dresses you tacky.
- In 1970, President Nixon said
that we'd have
peace and prosperity
in time for the
elections in 1972.
- Gadzooks!
That almost makes you wish
that the elections
were being held in 1971.
- Wacker, you may
be on to something.
- Yes, 1970 was a
very exciting year.
If you get turned
on by bad news.
- [Announcer] Businesses
have gone bankrupt.
- My plumbing company
just went down the drain.
- My bra factory went bust.
- My door company just closed.
- My pet store went to the dogs.
- My tobacco plantation
went up in smoke.
- The bottom dropped
out of my pants factory.
- But on Fire Island,
we had a gay time.
(disco music)
- Well, sir, looking
back on 1970
it really doesn't appear to
have been a banner year.
- Well that's because you
have a negative approach.
If you bothered
to search it out,
you'd find that many
positive things occurred.
- Like what?
- Well in the city of New York,
at least 30 people
were not mugged.
That's good news.
In Los Angeles, in 1970,
citizens enjoyed almost two
full days of smog free weather.
And there were at
least six colleges
that did not have
campus uprisings.
- Aside from your
facetious optimism,
there is one good thing
you can say about 1970.
- What's that?
- It's over.
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
And the last one
dancing peg of my heart.
It's funny how the year is
sweet and quickly sours,
When planes take off for
Cuba every seven hours.
With Martha Mitchell
movin' her mouth,
And with the Beatles
really callin' it quits.
The year that ensues,
May banish the blues,
The last one should
be blown to bits.
Or sent to China.
Last year should
be blown to bits.
- Carol, all of your
clothes are so beautiful.
They must be very expensive.
- Well yes, Dick, I
spend all of my money
on clothes instead of jewelry.
That way if I'm robbed in an
elevator it's much more fun.
- Should a gentleman
offer a lady a peccadillo?
(rattles)
- Stop it, please.
This isn't doing any good.
- It's doing great already.
- What is it doing?
- It strengthened my wrists,
and it got me a job
with Miguelito Valdes.
- Are you the schoolmarm?
(laughs)
- Did you know Ronald
Reagan when he was an actor?
- No, and I've known
him for 40 years, Ma'am.
(thunk)
(jolly orchestra music)
- As we promised, here
is William F. Buckley.
- Mr. Buckley, you have
49 nieces and nephews?
That was the information
I was given, is that true?
- That is correct.
- 49 nieces and nephews.
- Well as of yesterday.
- You're afraid to go
home and say what's new.
Other than your own family,
where are the
conservatives of America
coming from tomorrow?
- Well from, from all of those
breeding grounds
of common sense.
Including beautiful
downtown Burbank.
(laughs)
- I think this should
be a goody for Mr. B.
- Mr. B?
- Mr. B.
The population explosion
is a major problem today,
and the size of your
family would tend to indicate
that the Buckleys are not
advocates of birth control.
Is there Buckley plan
to solve overpopulation?
- Well, I see what you mean.
- Ruth Buzzi has
another question.
- Some people think
that some of the readers
of the Free Press are
higher than its circulation.
Others feel that
the National Review
has better circulation
than some of its readers.
How do you compare
the two publications?
- Well I don't to begin with.
- Have you ever
read the Free Press?
- The Detroit Free Press?
- We have a Los
Angeles Free Press,
and it's an
underground newspaper.
- Well I think the distinction
is progressively obscure
because what it was that signified
an underground newspaper,
originally, was that
you couldn't buy it.
But you can buy the Los
Angeles Free Press I take it.
Then also, the
underground papers were
licentious, ideologically
and sexually,
but I don't think they
are exclusively any more.
The movie page of
the New York Times
could be used as
a Rorschach test.
- In Burbank, Mr. Buckley,
98% of the people
who can read, read
The National Review.
And all four of them like it.
Conversely, what is
your reaction to Burbank?
- My reaction would be
that the Head Start program
is making great
strides in Burbank.
- Mr. Buckley, in your opinion,
what's the funniest thing
that Spiro Agnew ever said?
- That he welcomed the
endorsement of John Lindsay.
(audience laughs)
- Well there was a book
written on the Kennedy wit.
Do you feel that there
will ever be a book written
on the humor of Nixon?
- Brevity is the soul of wit.
- Mr. Buckley, I've noticed
that whenever you appear
on television,
you're always seated.
Does this mean you
can't think on your feet?
(laughter)
- It's very, very
hard to stand up
carrying the weight
of what I know.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- We'll be back with
more of William F. Buckley.
- Ho, ho, ho are
you a good little girl?
- Yes, I am!
- Shove off.
(upbeat orchestra music)
- Hi, what'cha
doing, flyin' a kite?
- No, dumbo, I'm
walking my bird.
(makes scat noises)
- Scientists are
making rapid advances
in creating life
in the laboratory.
Some day you may
be able to have a baby
without even lifting a finger.
- Yes, may I help you?
- Oh yes, could
you please mix us up
a little baby.
You know, blue eyes,
blonde hair, Republican.
- You were recommended
to us by Selma Archerd.
You mixed her up
an adorable little fella.
- Well I'm afraid I won't
be able to fill your order.
Strike's been called by
the test tube tester's union,
it could last months.
Those tube testers are testy.
- But we had our heart so
set on having a little baby.
- Yeah, couldn't
you do something?
- Well, years ago,
before the tube,
people used a rather primitive
method to achieve parenthood.
- Well, we'll try it,
anything at all, we'll try it.
- Madame, I suggest
that you wait here,
and sir, please would
you step into my office?
Right over here.
Let me say, I hope I
remember this correctly.
Oh yes, I must find my hammer,
my birdcage and my saxophone.
Don't worry lady, this one
will turn out just perfectly.
- And now here is
today's helpful hint.
The best way to
get your palm read,
is to have it hold its
breath for 30 seconds.
Thank you.
- Ladies, here's a
little household hint.
Make sure your
husband's wedding ring
is just a little too tight.
After all, it's supposed
to stop his circulation.
- Here's another
handy household hint.
When you pour
chocolate over a sheep,
you'll come up with
a chocolate baa.
- My name is John
Wayne and I'd like
to do an impression
of Rich Little.
Well hi, everybody,
that's about the size of it.
- We're sure getting a lot
of injured students
from the campus riots.
- I know it, I can't
understand it either
because the authorities
have a new policy
of always firing a
warning shot first.
- Well I know, they
just brought in a student
who looks like he's
got at least a couple
of warning shots in him already.
- You know it
sounds like it's getting
almost as dangerous
to be a student
as it is to be a policeman.
- The other day I saw a high
school student throwing rocks,
and screaming at the police.
So I asked him
what he was doing,
and he said "preparing
myself for a college education."
- Hey, right now
here's an opportunity
to catch some sleep
so you can stay up
and watch my show later on.
(mouthing words)
- Excuse me, Carol?
May I call you Carol?
- Oh honey, lamby,
that's my name.
- Thank you.
Miss Channing,
what're you doing?
- Well, Dennis
dearheart, I was singing
the title song from my new
Broadway show, Four on a Garden.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Of course you
didn't, it's not a musical.
- True or False?
Johnny Brown is the son
of the famous show business
couple Amos and Andy?
(crazy organ music)
- You know Dick, in
looking back at 1970,
we had some pretty
harsh things to say.
- You know we did.
Maybe we're a little
too hard on the old year.
Well you know because some
nice things happened in 1970.
- Certainly did, like
very early in 1970,
Sammy Davis Jr was our guest,
and he was wonderful as always.
- And Sam will be
with us next week
to get 1971 off to
a swinging start.
And we had a lot of other
groovy guests you know.
- We sure did.
Orson Welles, Debbie
Reynolds, Art Carney, Tim Conway
- Ah, Tim's too much.
Another one was Ken Berry,
and dozens of other
wonderful people,
who made it a merrier
time for us in 1970.
- And no one made it a
better time than Zero Mostel.
A ton of laughs.
- That's not all
he was a ton of.
You know he left
a little something
to bring 1970 to
a laughing close.
Take a look.
- I beg your pardon.
- Ach du Lieber,
another talking puppet!
- That was me.
- Whopee, a giant puppet!
Say something else!
- No, no I'm not a puppet.
I'm just a customer
and I'd like to buy a gift.
- Why you little dumpling,
you came to the right place.
What's it going to be?
Some new lederhosen,
maybe a cuckoo clock?
How about a baloney sandwich?
Even if you don't
see it, we got it.
- I'm looking for a little gift.
- Okay, man, woman,
child or puppy dogs?
- Husband.
- Ja, now what kind of
husband can I get you?
- Oh, no, no, I already
have a husband.
- Why you little swinger you.
- Look, I'm in a hurry, my
car is double parked outside.
- Jah well, I give you a
good trade in deal on the car.
New cars are on the second
floor, first door on the right.
- No, no, I don't
want a new car.
- Used cars, third floor.
- Oh please, I'm
on my lunch break
and I'm already late.
- Why didn't you say something?
How about a snack?
Today's specialty is corned
beef on rye with sauerkraut.
- No, no I don't
want a sandwich.
- Well maybe a nice plate of
cold cuts and potato salad?
A pickle!
- Please, I'm just trying to buy
an anniversary
present for my husband.
- How about a nice puppet?
I got a cute little number here
that tells lies and
the nose grows.
He'll love it.
- Don't you have something
a little more personal?
- Well maybe I could
sell you a lock of my hair?
But that's as
personal as I can get.
- That's not quite
what I had in mind.
- I got it!
How about a nice horse?
Fifth floor, second
door on right.
- He doesn't ride.
- Too bad.
Well, I got a nice Trojan
horse you can push,
holds about 50 people.
- Now wait a minute, no, no, no.
Do you mean to tell
me, that you have
a Trojan horse up
there on the second floor.
- Of course not, dumpling.
The Trojan horses
are in the fourth floor,
inside the fake car.
- I think I'll tell you
what I have decided.
- What's that pussycat?
- I think that I'll buy him
a bright green fire engine
with pink velvet upholstery
and a sequined ladder.
And also, I'd like a
whale sandwich to go.
How about that?
- I sold the last fire
engine this morning
and for one sandwich I
am not starting a new whale.
How about a cookie
and a polka dot zeppelin?
- I'll take it.
- One number three to go!
- Ms. Diller, what can a
girl do about bad breath?
- Keep your mouth shut.
- You know the
smog got here so bad
that today I took a deep
breath and chipped my tooth.
- That's such a big needle,
do I have to take
that in my arm?
- Nah.
- Can I have the dosage orally?
- Yeah, anything you say.
Open wide!
- I don't think so!
- This lousy iron doesn't work,
and I want my money
cheerfully refunded.
Cheerfully.
- Certainly, Madame.
(kazoo humming)
(piano trilling)
Consider if you will,
The aardvark with his
long suspicious nose.
He gobbles up the
ants, Which kill romance.
(shrieking high note)
And termites I suppose.
(shrieking high note)
- And now, back by popular
request, William F. Buckley.
- Yes, um.
I wanted you to
know that I'm a big fan
of yours Mr. Buckley.
I was curious, what
does the F stand for?
You needn't tell
me, I'll come up later
and inspect your pencil.
What I'm interested in is
there are a great many books
out now like Everything You
Wanted to Know About Sex,
and Were Afraid to Ask,
then there's the Masters
and Johnson book,
and then there's The Sensuous
Woman, not unlike myself.
What position do you
hold on these books,
and where are you
staying in Burbank?
(audience applauds)
- [Dan] Do you want to deal
with those questions separately
or all at once?
- Have you ever been
to a Tupperware party?
- A what?
- A serious question.
- Regarding the trend
toward nudity in entertainment,
what is the Buckley view
of nudity in entertainment.
- That it's excessive.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] You know many
people consider you to be
one of the most
intelligent men in America.
- They're not very bright.
- Do you feel that appearing
on Laugh-In disproves that?
- It helps.
- Why would you appear?
We're delighted that
you have appeared.
Not many people know
that we've been trying
to get you for four years now,
but why have you finally
consented to appear on our show?
- Because your producer,
wrote me an irresistible letter.
- [Dan] Well he's
an irresistible fellow.
What did he say?
- To begin with, he
promised to fly me out
in an airplane with
two right wings.
(laughter)
and then he said if I
came, he would vote
the way I directed him
to for the rest of his life.
So I figured that was
kind of irresistible,
and anyway, I'm
very glad to see you.
- We're glad you're here.
Alan Sues did you
have another question?
- [Alan] Where'd
you get that tie?
- Let's take one more question
from the kooks out here,
no offense, Ruth.
- No, no, no it's okay.
Now it's been made clear today
that for the past three years,
you have consistently
refused to appear on Laugh-In.
Now that you're
here, do you feel
that your judgement up until now
has been excellent,
good, or fair,
and will it hurt your
image or ours the most?
(laughs)
- Well I suppose
it will make you
more respectable,
and me less so.
And both of those are
probably to be desired.
- Mr.. Buckley, we want
to thank you so much
for taking time
to visit with us.
We think that it bears
out a demonstrable fact
that you can't be that
smart without having
a sense of humor, and
you have a delightful one.
Thank you so much.
(audience applauds)
- And now, from under
the Sapphire Room
of the Noon Hotel in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
let's ring your chimes
as the Mothers of Rhythm
ask the musical question...
(Auld Lang Syne
plays out of key)
(blows bubbles to
tune of Auld Lang Syne)
We'll take a cup
of kindness yet,
For Auld Lang Syne.
(saxophone blowing shrilly)
Oh, yeah!
(horn toots)
(audience applauds)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Wait a minute,
don't you wanna hear
what happened to my aunt?
- Absolutely,
unequivocally, positively,
unconditionally,
emphatically, no.
- Well, while you're trying
to make up your mind,
let me tell you what happened.
You see, my aunt was
trapped in a camper
with 20 wine tasters on
the Pennsylvania turnpike.
- Wait a minute.
Now how does your aunt manage
to get herself into a
predicament like that?
- Well, they just took
the Jersey turnpike
and turned right
at Philadelphia.
- I don't mean that, I
mean being in a camper
with 20 wine tasters.
Now she should've known
that driving and
drinking just don't mix.
- Funny, that's
what my aunt said.
- Well that's the
first intelligent thing
your aunt has said
in the last 10 years.
- Funny, that's exactly
what the wine tasters said.
- Well driving and drinking
don't mix, whoever said it.
- You said it.
- I sure did.
This year let's all drive
safely, sanely, soberly,
and say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- My cousin said
pornography is harmful
'cause it sure is
ruining his eyes.
- Why is autumn like a
Japanese tumbling act?
- I give up, Ruth.
Why is autumn like a
Japanese tumbling act?
- Because in both
cases there's usually
a little nip in the air.
(singing "Oklahoma")
- Oh you know
what? My little niece
just got her first training bra.
But it's awfully uncomfortable
because the wheels
keep getting in the way.
- Hey, Dick, you
know the other day
I was driving through
Alpine, California
and I stuck my hand
out to make a right turn
and the cop gave me a manicure.
- You know I think I have
an ulcer, what should I do?
- Don't worry about it.
- What do you think
of the new math
as opposed to the old math?
- Well, I think
it's seven of one,
and half a dozen of the other.
- Dan, what vegetable
appears in a popular song?
- I don't know, Alan.
- Okra.
- Okra?
In what song does okra appear?
Okra-Homa where
the wind comes...
- What would you
get if you crossed
a birth control pill
with a fertility drug?
- An anxious nine months.
- I kept telling
Silverman the tailor
if he didn't stop cursing,
God would punish him.
And sure enough, the
other day he was hit
by a bolt of cloth
and it took two hours
to pull all the herring
bones out of him.
- Did you hear about the midget
that put his elevator
shoes on upsidedown
and wound up in the basement?
- You realize that if John
Lennon and Yoko Ono
ever have a child,
they'll be the first people
to give birth to a
Japanese beetle.
Yoko Ono where the wind comes
- Last night, police sirens
kept me awake so long,
I finally had to call the cops.
- I got it, I've got a
very religious dog.
He's got a statue of
St. Bernard on his collar.
- I know an ecology
expert who on his night off
goes out and gets polluted.
- Dan, how do you
make a Swede laugh?
- I don't know, Alan.
- Tell 'im a yoke!
(rim shot)
(upbeat saxophone music)
(thwacking)
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
'cause the last one
was a la da ti da.
- Hi!
La la ti da.
(loud laughing)
La da ti da.
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the year.
(scatting)
- Very interesting,
but nauseating.
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Oh, Johnny, if you
woke up one morning
and discovered
that I was your wife,
would you smother
me with diamonds?
- I'd use anything I
could get my hands on.
(audience laughs)
- True love is
finding a lipstick mark
on your husband's shirt collar
and then calling the
laundress for an explanation.
(rim shot)
- It's alright for a girl to have
a head on her shoulders,
if it's a different
one every night.
- I could've sworn I heard
the wail of a downhearted frail.
- If I can just stay this way
until the ambulance comes,
I can sue for whiplash.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Non-existant
Broadcasting Company,
suffers its first New
Year's hangover
by presenting Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring party favor Dan Rowen,
and noisemaker Dick Martin.
With special guests of
this, or any other year,
Mr.. William F. Buckley,
and Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Alan
Sues, and Lily Tomlin.
Plus, Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips and
Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with a word of caution
to all of you who will be out
on the highway
this New Year's Eve.
Get back in your car.
Now, here is Dan Rowen
and the lovely Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- They think it's the
Dave Garaway show.
- Yes, they think it's
the Dave Garaway show.
Well, welcome to all you
galestorm fans once again.
Hey we have a year...
(audience cheers)
More already?
Our kind of group.
- That's right, drunks
- Right, good evening and
what a year in show we have,
that's what I wanted to say.
We got a great show
for the end of the year.
- That's true.
William F. Buckley is
going to make his debut
in a musical variety show.
- That's right and we have
some other surprise
guests for you.
- Yes, like John Wayne,
Raquel Welch, Jack Lemon
- No, they're not on the show.
- Surprise!
- We're also going to look
at some of the great events
that made 1970 a year to forget.
- Ah, wait a minute.
1970 is not a year
to be forgotten.
- Why not?
- I forgot.
- I see.
While Dick is forgetting, here's
a moment to be remembered.
- Don't you really believe
that soaking your hands
in Foon dishwasher liquid
will make them soft again?
- Of course I do, Madge.
- Then why have you
got them in my soup?
- And here's another one.
- Doing this show is
my second favorite thing
in the entire world.
The first is having an
excited hummingbird
fly up my pants leg.
- Phyllis, with all
the cars around,
people aren't using
their legs enough.
- Well I used my legs a lot.
My right leg happens to be a
roadmap of Muncie, Indiana.
- Legs?
I'll show you legs.
(whistles)
Knock it off, I've been
whistled at for the last time!
- Tonight is a very special
and a very exciting occasion
for all of us because
we have with us tonight
a man whom we've tried to
convince to come on this show
since the very beginning.
He's one of the most
intelligent, erudite,
knowledgeable, articulate,
charming, delightful
and controversial men
who has ever consistently
refused to appear on Laugh-In.
- With us now is the
lovely, talented, intelligent
erudite, knowledgeable,
articulate, charming, delightful
and controversial
William F Buckley.
(audience claps)
- We're very
delighted to have you
on the show with us tonight.
- I hope that was a rehearsal,
I'd like to hear it again.
(audience laughs)
- You know so much of your
own show is question and answer,
we're not going to try
and debate with you
because we feel your handicap.
(laughs)
But we decided to
make you feel at home,
are you comfortable there?
We thought we might
go with some questions
and answers if
that's okay with you.
Alright?
Do you have a question?
- Yes, I don't want to start
off with a really loaded one,
but I would, you don't mind
if I ask you just anything huh?
Fine.
How tall is John Wayne?
(audience laughs)
- Oh come on.
- That's too loaded huh?
Ten feet, ten feet tall.
- [Dan] Recently Mr. Buckley,
you did an interview
with Playboy magazine,
now you're on our show.
Would this indicate
you're becoming more hip?
Have you decided to
loosen up a little bit?
Are you becoming a
swinger as they say?
- Well I did an
interview with Playboy
because I decided it was
the only way to communicate
my views to my son.
(laughter)
- Did you look at the
rest of the magazine and...
- I made xerox copies.
- Mr. Buckley, some of the
members of our company
have questions for
you, it's Mr. Alan Sues.
- Mr. Buckley, did
you see the film
Myra Breckinridge and why not?
(laughter)
- Because it...
(audience laughs)
Because it folded
before the New York
Public Transportation
could get me there.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Ruth Buzzi.
- Hello, Mr. Buckley.
Some people say a conservative
is suspicious of liberals,
and an ultra conservative is
suspicious of conservatives.
Could you give any
analogy of a liberal
and an extreme liberal.
(laughter)
- There's no such thing
as an extreme liberal,
the New York Times
wouldn't permit it.
- Artie Johnson.
- Well, the Roosevelts
and the Kennedys
came out of Harvard and
enjoyed great political success.
As graduate of Yale, do you feel
you would've done
better politically
had you attended Harvard?
- Well, I don't know what I
would've done for the country,
but I would've certainly
helped Harvard.
(audience laughs)
- Lily Tomlin.
- (Stuttering) Yes,
I, what I didn't want,
I wanted to have a
sort of general comment
because my topic is
communication of ideas
because I think
Mr. Buckley in a time like this
when, when there's a general,
when the chaos, when people,
there's a general confusion
when people, I think it's,
- I agree.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
I think so.
That's exactly why I
wanted, because uh, I mean,
the copious verborum, and
I thank you for your views.
- You're very welcome.
(laughs)
- Dennis Allen.
- Hi, yes.
Do you feel the only
reason a lot of today's
college revolutionaries aren't
burning down more libraries
is that they don't
know where they are?
- No, they need the
libraries 'cause that's
where they go to find
out how to make bombs.
- Does that answer your
question alright, Mr. Allen?
- [Dennis] That's fine for me.
- Barbara Sharma.
- Hello.
Is it true that your
favorite comedians
are Flip Wilson and
Senator Fulbright?
- I don't think Flip
Wilson is so funny.
(laughter)
(audience applauds)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we will be back shortly
for more questions and answers
with our special
guest, Mr. Bill Buckley!
But right now we
have to go to the party.
(disco music)
- You know I understand
that the President
is going to send
Spiro Agnew around
to improve relations
with unfriendly countries.
But, there is no
truth to the rumor
that the first stop on the
trip will be the United States.
(disco music)
- The cost of living
is getting out of hand.
Do you know, the
consumer price index
is going up one tenth
of one percent a night!
(disco music)
- My latest
psychological experiment.
I fed my dog turkeys
every day for a month,
and yesterday when I was
walking him through Burbank,
he tried to eat NBC.
(disco music)
- I know an actress
who got in trouble
for not taking the pill.
She was practicing
license without medicine.
- Sin by silence when
they should protest,
makes cowards of men.
(shrill laughter)
- Where'd you get that saying?
From some bearded longhair?
- That's right, Abraham Lincoln.
- Oh, I guess he told me.
(party music)
- Boomer here.
This season I
left the Tennis tour
and joined the sexual
freedom league.
Guess what, I was
voted Rookie of the Year
and Most Valuable Player.
(dance music)
- I know a woman who had
to stop taking birth control pills
because she
developed side effects.
Triplets.
(disco music)
- Oh.
I was on special
detail in Central Park,
and yeah, you know I had to
dress up in women's clothes.
I didn't catch any
molesters but I did
have a wonderful evening
of dinner and dancing
with a sailor from
the USS Oklahoma.
(disco music)
- Buena Nota.
Things have been a little
tight for Ari and me lately.
So we had a garage sale.
We made a lot of money.
So far, we've sold
over 600 garages.
(disco music)
- You know even
I'm getting tired
of these girls running
around half naked.
- You're tired of
girls half naked?
- No, I'm tired of
them running around.
(disco music)
(laughs)
- Check these pecs.
Ah, you know big Boomer,
just one little word from you
would really
liven up this party.
- Oh, what do you
want me to say?
- Goodbye.
(laughs)
(kazoo humming)
- I asked my doctor recently
if I should undergo
a change of sex.
He said "from what?"
(rattling)
- Well, just a
minute, just a minute,
just a minute, just a minute.
In this case I think I'd
better call in a regular doctor.
Dr Finster.
- What seems to be the problem?
- She's coughing a lot.
- Oh my heavens, let's see.
- Maybe you'd better
shake that thing again.
- Yes?
(chanting)
- Could I help
you with your bag?
- Oh, sure.
- Hey, hey what are you?
- What are you doing, I
thought it was my brother!
- Get, get, go on, go on.
- Will Judy find
happiness with Bill?
Will Sally find
happiness with Bill?
Will Alicia find
happiness with Bill?
- I dunno, but I got a feeling
Bill's already got
such happiness.
- What would you
get if your crossed
Mae West with Victor Borge?
- I dunno, what?
- A prune Danish.
(audience laughs)
- In just one minute,
it'll be 60 seconds
later than it is right now.
- Hey, you know the
son of a friend of mine
is really happy today.
- Oh, why's that?
- He was just awarded
a bowling scholarship
at the University of Burbank.
- In beautiful downtown Burbank,
it's harder to find temptation
than it is to resist it.
- Oh Carol, I
understand that you
do a nightclub act with 10 men.
Is there any way I
could get into the act?
- Well not right
now, Gladys honey,
but I'll let you know if
one of the boys gets sick.
- Tonight ladies and
gentlemen, has, has, has
- Has, has, has
- Has been our
custom for three years,
- As has been, - Has,
has been our custom
- As has been our custom.
- Look who's giving
speech lessons.
- Whom.
- Youm.
- Meem?
- Yeahm.
You can't say, you're
always complaining
about the dressing rooms.
- Well on the floor
you've got craypet
and I have lolium.
- You've got what?
- Craypet.
- No, no, I have carpet.
- Oh.
- Car-pet.
- Carpet.
- What've you got?
- Lolium.
- There's no such
thing as lolium.
- On the dressing room
floor I've got a lot of lolium.
- You have linolium.
- Lin.
Ol.
Li um.
- Lolium.
- Tonight has, as has been
our custom for three years,
we're going to look at the
past year, which was 1970.
- Horse feathers!
- Very good.
- That's a complete falsehood.
Not once in the last three years
have we ever looked at 1970.
- I mean it's nearly
the end of the year,
and now we're going to look back
and see what happened in 1970.
- Well it's about time.
- What do you
mean it's about time?
- It's just like you,
putting things off
til the last minute.
- If we're gonna
look back at 1970,
the end of the year's a
pretty good time to do it.
- Well if it is, the first good
time we've had in 1970.
- You're right about
that, it wasn't a great year.
I mean with the war, the
crime rate, the economy,
- The crested bullfinch.
- The crested bullfinch?
- Yes, this was the year
the crested bullfinch
became extinct.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, Wednesday a week.
- Wednesday a week?
- The last one passed away.
- Dick with everything
that's going on in the world,
who could possibly worry
about the last crested bullfinch?
- Well, the last crested
bullfinch for one.
- It was a bad year
for crested bullfinches,
but look at what else happened.
The sparrows have
made out all right.
The robins, the bluebirds...
- Well that certainly
proves one thing,
- What's that?
- Well, 1970 was sure
a year for the birds.
- Year for the birds, maybe so.
But it behooves us to
take a look back anyway.
Happy New Year, Happy New Year,
Happy New New Year.
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
'cause the last one
was a year to forget.
We hope the movies
straighten out at least a smidge,
'Cause we can't take
another Myra Breckinridge.
I make the mark a
dippin' down to the bottom,
And the many
causin' all of the fuss.
Well step and be
one, It better be fun,
'Cause '70 was boo for us.
A real hisser.
'70 was boo for us.
- In 1970, Martha
Mitchell brought
a lot of problems to a head.
So that now when you
call the Mitchell home,
you have to state
which John you want.
- In 1970, Penn
Central and Mia Farrow
both went into the
hands of receivers.
- In 1970, Christine Jorgensen
claimed she was belittled
by Vice President Agnew.
The Vice President
allegedly stated
that due to her
notoriety, Miss Jorgensen
had lost her right to privacy.
In the same year,
the Vice President
complained about being
put on a wrist watch.
- Truman Capote,
finding himself in jail,
was the first convict who sang
if I had the wings of an angel,
over these prison
walls I would fly, and did.
- Pornography was a major
issue across the land in 1970,
as concerned citizens everywhere
convened to study the problem.
- Mr. Traviasis, let
me see that book,
20 Fun Things to
do at an Adult Party.
- Mr. Casmeier, are you
finished with that film strip
from the movie Gidget Goes Male?
- Well, Ms. Debit,
what do you think?
- I think this is filthy,
disgusting trash.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
How about you Mr. Traviasis?
- Well, the moral fiber of
the entire country is at stake.
Somehow we've just got
to stamp out this menace.
- Do we all agree?
I say yes.
- I say yes.
- Yes!
- How about you Ms. Smocher?
Mr. Werner?
Ms. Smocher?
Well that's three
for, two against.
- Extra, Extra!
President says
inflation is ended.
- Oh I'll take a paper, sonny.
- Okay, here you are.
- Here's ten dollars.
- Okay, and here's your change.
(disco music)
- Dean Martin and Frank
Sinatra left the Democrats
for Republican Ronald Reagan.
First time they've ever switched
from Scotch to an Old Fashioned.
- 1970 was the year
that thousands of people
put anti air pollution
stickers on their cars,
and drove around
polluting the air.
- Bras and the Smothers Brothers
found themselves
in the same situation.
Both were taken off.
- In 1970, almost
every TV program
tried to feature at
least one performer
who represented
the black people.
In fact, there was only
one show who seemed
to avoid the black issue
completely, that was Julia.
- Bill Buckley was a
very big thing in 1970.
Why don't we see more of him?
- We will in just
a little while.
- Well hurry up, he's funny.
- He is a hoot.
- In 1970, a private
survey showed
many popular breakfast
cereals are alleged
to contain little or
no nutritional value.
We now take you to
an in-depth interview
with a former sports champion
who for years has been
the popular spokesman
for one of these cereals.
- Yes, kiddies, eat Foon Flakes
and you too can grow
up to be a champion.
- Excuse me, Mr. Tibbit,
I'm here to find out
what you think of the
report which claims
that Foon Flakes have
no nutritional value.
- Snap, crackle and poppycock.
- But it states right
here on the box
that a bowl of Foon
Flakes does contain
certain nutrients
such as calcium.
- Yes, particularly
if you drink the milk.
- And dextrose.
- Yes, particularly
if you eat the sugar.
- And iron.
- Yes, particularly if
you swallow the spoon.
(disco music)
- Oh gosh, how about
this Ralph Nader.
- What, what.
What's his latest crusade?
- He's fabulous.
He wants to, it's
consumer protection.
- Oh.
- He wants to put an end
to people having to pay
for something
they're not getting.
- Hey, that's terrific!
I can stop paying alimony.
- Oh yeah, this was the
year that Frank Sinatra
turned down singing occasions
in both Las Vegas
and New Jersey.
Oops, I thought I was taller.
In 1970, immigration
moved as its usual pace,
and so did Georgie Jeffs.
Hi, I'm Tony Curtis.
I went to London
where certain authorities
claimed I was trying to
start a grassroots movement.
I love you, Spartacus.
Well President Nixon brought
some life to San Clemente,
and San Clemente
hoped to return the favor.
Happy New Year, Happy New Year,
Happy New New Year.
We hope the year
ahead is perfectly groovy
'Cause the last year
was a bummer you bet.
Pollution, populations
and other sins,
Like Nixon gettin' stoned
and Mia havin' twins.
There are all these names
that nobody's heard of
And those
advertisers leaving TV.
The last 52 may make it for you,
They didn't do a thing for me
Just higher taxes.
Didn't do a thing for me.
- Last year the Women's
Liberation Group,
and the Gay Liberation Front
tried to solve
their differences.
Only to find out
there were none.
- You know there were
more holdups in 1970
than any other year.
Holdups in tax
reform, integration,
and in the Paris peace talks.
- And in 1970,
- Senator Strom
Thurmond had a baby at 67.
Which is pretty old for a baby.
- And last year
television boldly presented
a completely new line
up of last year's shows.
- If anyone know the
whereabouts of Timothy Leary,
please tell him.
- We'll be right back with more
about the things that
plagued us in 1970.
After this very
tasteful example.
(thud)
- And now this
commercial message.
- Henri, I'm waiting.
Oh.
Let's hope the 12 upfront
make a year to remember
'Cause the 12 behind
made a year to forget.
When all those big attempts
at peace again have failed,
And poor old Henry Fonda
found his daughter jailed.
But with the women's
lib and gay liberation,
With the violence
and student unrest.
The 365 may keep you alive,
The last one
didn't do their best.
To put it mildly.
The last ones
didn't do their best.
- Do you know what led
to our problems in 1970?
- No, what?
- All of our problems in 1969.
- That's tacky but it's true.
- In 1970, Indians took over
the barren rock
known as Alcatraz.
It was the best piece of
real estate they acquired
since Death Valley.
- And this was the year the
city of Newark, New Jersey
did something Los Angeles
has never been able to do.
They found a way to keep
their mayor in one place.
(disco music)
- Hi, Big Al here.
(bell rings)
oh, I love that bell.
A tinkle a day, keeps
the doctor away.
Well, the 1970 sports scene,
like many other
aspects of last year,
was dominated by Spiro T. Agnew.
In a golf game,
he hit his partner
on the head with a drive.
Oh mashy, mashy.
He managed also to skull
his partner in a tennis match.
However there is
no truth to the rumor
that the Vice
President was then told
to take up the boomerang.
Oh.
Ta-ta.
- Then in October, Muhammed
Ali returned to the ring
after a three and
a half year exile,
and defeated Jerry Quarry.
- Clay was nothin' it was a
lucky 211 punches, that's all.
- Integration in the
south during 1970,
took on its own peculiar style.
Some schools
integrated, some didn't,
and others...
- Alright, attention
to roll call.
William Pierce?
10 demerits, late.
Lucy Robins?
10 demerits, late.
Johnny Brown?
- I'm here teacher.
- 10 demerits, early.
Your mother dresses you tacky.
- In 1970, President Nixon said
that we'd have
peace and prosperity
in time for the
elections in 1972.
- Gadzooks!
That almost makes you wish
that the elections
were being held in 1971.
- Wacker, you may
be on to something.
- Yes, 1970 was a
very exciting year.
If you get turned
on by bad news.
- [Announcer] Businesses
have gone bankrupt.
- My plumbing company
just went down the drain.
- My bra factory went bust.
- My door company just closed.
- My pet store went to the dogs.
- My tobacco plantation
went up in smoke.
- The bottom dropped
out of my pants factory.
- But on Fire Island,
we had a gay time.
(disco music)
- Well, sir, looking
back on 1970
it really doesn't appear to
have been a banner year.
- Well that's because you
have a negative approach.
If you bothered
to search it out,
you'd find that many
positive things occurred.
- Like what?
- Well in the city of New York,
at least 30 people
were not mugged.
That's good news.
In Los Angeles, in 1970,
citizens enjoyed almost two
full days of smog free weather.
And there were at
least six colleges
that did not have
campus uprisings.
- Aside from your
facetious optimism,
there is one good thing
you can say about 1970.
- What's that?
- It's over.
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
And the last one
dancing peg of my heart.
It's funny how the year is
sweet and quickly sours,
When planes take off for
Cuba every seven hours.
With Martha Mitchell
movin' her mouth,
And with the Beatles
really callin' it quits.
The year that ensues,
May banish the blues,
The last one should
be blown to bits.
Or sent to China.
Last year should
be blown to bits.
- Carol, all of your
clothes are so beautiful.
They must be very expensive.
- Well yes, Dick, I
spend all of my money
on clothes instead of jewelry.
That way if I'm robbed in an
elevator it's much more fun.
- Should a gentleman
offer a lady a peccadillo?
(rattles)
- Stop it, please.
This isn't doing any good.
- It's doing great already.
- What is it doing?
- It strengthened my wrists,
and it got me a job
with Miguelito Valdes.
- Are you the schoolmarm?
(laughs)
- Did you know Ronald
Reagan when he was an actor?
- No, and I've known
him for 40 years, Ma'am.
(thunk)
(jolly orchestra music)
- As we promised, here
is William F. Buckley.
- Mr. Buckley, you have
49 nieces and nephews?
That was the information
I was given, is that true?
- That is correct.
- 49 nieces and nephews.
- Well as of yesterday.
- You're afraid to go
home and say what's new.
Other than your own family,
where are the
conservatives of America
coming from tomorrow?
- Well from, from all of those
breeding grounds
of common sense.
Including beautiful
downtown Burbank.
(laughs)
- I think this should
be a goody for Mr. B.
- Mr. B?
- Mr. B.
The population explosion
is a major problem today,
and the size of your
family would tend to indicate
that the Buckleys are not
advocates of birth control.
Is there Buckley plan
to solve overpopulation?
- Well, I see what you mean.
- Ruth Buzzi has
another question.
- Some people think
that some of the readers
of the Free Press are
higher than its circulation.
Others feel that
the National Review
has better circulation
than some of its readers.
How do you compare
the two publications?
- Well I don't to begin with.
- Have you ever
read the Free Press?
- The Detroit Free Press?
- We have a Los
Angeles Free Press,
and it's an
underground newspaper.
- Well I think the distinction
is progressively obscure
because what it was that signified
an underground newspaper,
originally, was that
you couldn't buy it.
But you can buy the Los
Angeles Free Press I take it.
Then also, the
underground papers were
licentious, ideologically
and sexually,
but I don't think they
are exclusively any more.
The movie page of
the New York Times
could be used as
a Rorschach test.
- In Burbank, Mr. Buckley,
98% of the people
who can read, read
The National Review.
And all four of them like it.
Conversely, what is
your reaction to Burbank?
- My reaction would be
that the Head Start program
is making great
strides in Burbank.
- Mr. Buckley, in your opinion,
what's the funniest thing
that Spiro Agnew ever said?
- That he welcomed the
endorsement of John Lindsay.
(audience laughs)
- Well there was a book
written on the Kennedy wit.
Do you feel that there
will ever be a book written
on the humor of Nixon?
- Brevity is the soul of wit.
- Mr. Buckley, I've noticed
that whenever you appear
on television,
you're always seated.
Does this mean you
can't think on your feet?
(laughter)
- It's very, very
hard to stand up
carrying the weight
of what I know.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- We'll be back with
more of William F. Buckley.
- Ho, ho, ho are
you a good little girl?
- Yes, I am!
- Shove off.
(upbeat orchestra music)
- Hi, what'cha
doing, flyin' a kite?
- No, dumbo, I'm
walking my bird.
(makes scat noises)
- Scientists are
making rapid advances
in creating life
in the laboratory.
Some day you may
be able to have a baby
without even lifting a finger.
- Yes, may I help you?
- Oh yes, could
you please mix us up
a little baby.
You know, blue eyes,
blonde hair, Republican.
- You were recommended
to us by Selma Archerd.
You mixed her up
an adorable little fella.
- Well I'm afraid I won't
be able to fill your order.
Strike's been called by
the test tube tester's union,
it could last months.
Those tube testers are testy.
- But we had our heart so
set on having a little baby.
- Yeah, couldn't
you do something?
- Well, years ago,
before the tube,
people used a rather primitive
method to achieve parenthood.
- Well, we'll try it,
anything at all, we'll try it.
- Madame, I suggest
that you wait here,
and sir, please would
you step into my office?
Right over here.
Let me say, I hope I
remember this correctly.
Oh yes, I must find my hammer,
my birdcage and my saxophone.
Don't worry lady, this one
will turn out just perfectly.
- And now here is
today's helpful hint.
The best way to
get your palm read,
is to have it hold its
breath for 30 seconds.
Thank you.
- Ladies, here's a
little household hint.
Make sure your
husband's wedding ring
is just a little too tight.
After all, it's supposed
to stop his circulation.
- Here's another
handy household hint.
When you pour
chocolate over a sheep,
you'll come up with
a chocolate baa.
- My name is John
Wayne and I'd like
to do an impression
of Rich Little.
Well hi, everybody,
that's about the size of it.
- We're sure getting a lot
of injured students
from the campus riots.
- I know it, I can't
understand it either
because the authorities
have a new policy
of always firing a
warning shot first.
- Well I know, they
just brought in a student
who looks like he's
got at least a couple
of warning shots in him already.
- You know it
sounds like it's getting
almost as dangerous
to be a student
as it is to be a policeman.
- The other day I saw a high
school student throwing rocks,
and screaming at the police.
So I asked him
what he was doing,
and he said "preparing
myself for a college education."
- Hey, right now
here's an opportunity
to catch some sleep
so you can stay up
and watch my show later on.
(mouthing words)
- Excuse me, Carol?
May I call you Carol?
- Oh honey, lamby,
that's my name.
- Thank you.
Miss Channing,
what're you doing?
- Well, Dennis
dearheart, I was singing
the title song from my new
Broadway show, Four on a Garden.
- I didn't hear anything.
- Of course you
didn't, it's not a musical.
- True or False?
Johnny Brown is the son
of the famous show business
couple Amos and Andy?
(crazy organ music)
- You know Dick, in
looking back at 1970,
we had some pretty
harsh things to say.
- You know we did.
Maybe we're a little
too hard on the old year.
Well you know because some
nice things happened in 1970.
- Certainly did, like
very early in 1970,
Sammy Davis Jr was our guest,
and he was wonderful as always.
- And Sam will be
with us next week
to get 1971 off to
a swinging start.
And we had a lot of other
groovy guests you know.
- We sure did.
Orson Welles, Debbie
Reynolds, Art Carney, Tim Conway
- Ah, Tim's too much.
Another one was Ken Berry,
and dozens of other
wonderful people,
who made it a merrier
time for us in 1970.
- And no one made it a
better time than Zero Mostel.
A ton of laughs.
- That's not all
he was a ton of.
You know he left
a little something
to bring 1970 to
a laughing close.
Take a look.
- I beg your pardon.
- Ach du Lieber,
another talking puppet!
- That was me.
- Whopee, a giant puppet!
Say something else!
- No, no I'm not a puppet.
I'm just a customer
and I'd like to buy a gift.
- Why you little dumpling,
you came to the right place.
What's it going to be?
Some new lederhosen,
maybe a cuckoo clock?
How about a baloney sandwich?
Even if you don't
see it, we got it.
- I'm looking for a little gift.
- Okay, man, woman,
child or puppy dogs?
- Husband.
- Ja, now what kind of
husband can I get you?
- Oh, no, no, I already
have a husband.
- Why you little swinger you.
- Look, I'm in a hurry, my
car is double parked outside.
- Jah well, I give you a
good trade in deal on the car.
New cars are on the second
floor, first door on the right.
- No, no, I don't
want a new car.
- Used cars, third floor.
- Oh please, I'm
on my lunch break
and I'm already late.
- Why didn't you say something?
How about a snack?
Today's specialty is corned
beef on rye with sauerkraut.
- No, no I don't
want a sandwich.
- Well maybe a nice plate of
cold cuts and potato salad?
A pickle!
- Please, I'm just trying to buy
an anniversary
present for my husband.
- How about a nice puppet?
I got a cute little number here
that tells lies and
the nose grows.
He'll love it.
- Don't you have something
a little more personal?
- Well maybe I could
sell you a lock of my hair?
But that's as
personal as I can get.
- That's not quite
what I had in mind.
- I got it!
How about a nice horse?
Fifth floor, second
door on right.
- He doesn't ride.
- Too bad.
Well, I got a nice Trojan
horse you can push,
holds about 50 people.
- Now wait a minute, no, no, no.
Do you mean to tell
me, that you have
a Trojan horse up
there on the second floor.
- Of course not, dumpling.
The Trojan horses
are in the fourth floor,
inside the fake car.
- I think I'll tell you
what I have decided.
- What's that pussycat?
- I think that I'll buy him
a bright green fire engine
with pink velvet upholstery
and a sequined ladder.
And also, I'd like a
whale sandwich to go.
How about that?
- I sold the last fire
engine this morning
and for one sandwich I
am not starting a new whale.
How about a cookie
and a polka dot zeppelin?
- I'll take it.
- One number three to go!
- Ms. Diller, what can a
girl do about bad breath?
- Keep your mouth shut.
- You know the
smog got here so bad
that today I took a deep
breath and chipped my tooth.
- That's such a big needle,
do I have to take
that in my arm?
- Nah.
- Can I have the dosage orally?
- Yeah, anything you say.
Open wide!
- I don't think so!
- This lousy iron doesn't work,
and I want my money
cheerfully refunded.
Cheerfully.
- Certainly, Madame.
(kazoo humming)
(piano trilling)
Consider if you will,
The aardvark with his
long suspicious nose.
He gobbles up the
ants, Which kill romance.
(shrieking high note)
And termites I suppose.
(shrieking high note)
- And now, back by popular
request, William F. Buckley.
- Yes, um.
I wanted you to
know that I'm a big fan
of yours Mr. Buckley.
I was curious, what
does the F stand for?
You needn't tell
me, I'll come up later
and inspect your pencil.
What I'm interested in is
there are a great many books
out now like Everything You
Wanted to Know About Sex,
and Were Afraid to Ask,
then there's the Masters
and Johnson book,
and then there's The Sensuous
Woman, not unlike myself.
What position do you
hold on these books,
and where are you
staying in Burbank?
(audience applauds)
- [Dan] Do you want to deal
with those questions separately
or all at once?
- Have you ever been
to a Tupperware party?
- A what?
- A serious question.
- Regarding the trend
toward nudity in entertainment,
what is the Buckley view
of nudity in entertainment.
- That it's excessive.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] You know many
people consider you to be
one of the most
intelligent men in America.
- They're not very bright.
- Do you feel that appearing
on Laugh-In disproves that?
- It helps.
- Why would you appear?
We're delighted that
you have appeared.
Not many people know
that we've been trying
to get you for four years now,
but why have you finally
consented to appear on our show?
- Because your producer,
wrote me an irresistible letter.
- [Dan] Well he's
an irresistible fellow.
What did he say?
- To begin with, he
promised to fly me out
in an airplane with
two right wings.
(laughter)
and then he said if I
came, he would vote
the way I directed him
to for the rest of his life.
So I figured that was
kind of irresistible,
and anyway, I'm
very glad to see you.
- We're glad you're here.
Alan Sues did you
have another question?
- [Alan] Where'd
you get that tie?
- Let's take one more question
from the kooks out here,
no offense, Ruth.
- No, no, no it's okay.
Now it's been made clear today
that for the past three years,
you have consistently
refused to appear on Laugh-In.
Now that you're
here, do you feel
that your judgement up until now
has been excellent,
good, or fair,
and will it hurt your
image or ours the most?
(laughs)
- Well I suppose
it will make you
more respectable,
and me less so.
And both of those are
probably to be desired.
- Mr.. Buckley, we want
to thank you so much
for taking time
to visit with us.
We think that it bears
out a demonstrable fact
that you can't be that
smart without having
a sense of humor, and
you have a delightful one.
Thank you so much.
(audience applauds)
- And now, from under
the Sapphire Room
of the Noon Hotel in
beautiful downtown Burbank,
let's ring your chimes
as the Mothers of Rhythm
ask the musical question...
(Auld Lang Syne
plays out of key)
(blows bubbles to
tune of Auld Lang Syne)
We'll take a cup
of kindness yet,
For Auld Lang Syne.
(saxophone blowing shrilly)
Oh, yeah!
(horn toots)
(audience applauds)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Wait a minute,
don't you wanna hear
what happened to my aunt?
- Absolutely,
unequivocally, positively,
unconditionally,
emphatically, no.
- Well, while you're trying
to make up your mind,
let me tell you what happened.
You see, my aunt was
trapped in a camper
with 20 wine tasters on
the Pennsylvania turnpike.
- Wait a minute.
Now how does your aunt manage
to get herself into a
predicament like that?
- Well, they just took
the Jersey turnpike
and turned right
at Philadelphia.
- I don't mean that, I
mean being in a camper
with 20 wine tasters.
Now she should've known
that driving and
drinking just don't mix.
- Funny, that's
what my aunt said.
- Well that's the
first intelligent thing
your aunt has said
in the last 10 years.
- Funny, that's exactly
what the wine tasters said.
- Well driving and drinking
don't mix, whoever said it.
- You said it.
- I sure did.
This year let's all drive
safely, sanely, soberly,
and say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- My cousin said
pornography is harmful
'cause it sure is
ruining his eyes.
- Why is autumn like a
Japanese tumbling act?
- I give up, Ruth.
Why is autumn like a
Japanese tumbling act?
- Because in both
cases there's usually
a little nip in the air.
(singing "Oklahoma")
- Oh you know
what? My little niece
just got her first training bra.
But it's awfully uncomfortable
because the wheels
keep getting in the way.
- Hey, Dick, you
know the other day
I was driving through
Alpine, California
and I stuck my hand
out to make a right turn
and the cop gave me a manicure.
- You know I think I have
an ulcer, what should I do?
- Don't worry about it.
- What do you think
of the new math
as opposed to the old math?
- Well, I think
it's seven of one,
and half a dozen of the other.
- Dan, what vegetable
appears in a popular song?
- I don't know, Alan.
- Okra.
- Okra?
In what song does okra appear?
Okra-Homa where
the wind comes...
- What would you
get if you crossed
a birth control pill
with a fertility drug?
- An anxious nine months.
- I kept telling
Silverman the tailor
if he didn't stop cursing,
God would punish him.
And sure enough, the
other day he was hit
by a bolt of cloth
and it took two hours
to pull all the herring
bones out of him.
- Did you hear about the midget
that put his elevator
shoes on upsidedown
and wound up in the basement?
- You realize that if John
Lennon and Yoko Ono
ever have a child,
they'll be the first people
to give birth to a
Japanese beetle.
Yoko Ono where the wind comes
- Last night, police sirens
kept me awake so long,
I finally had to call the cops.
- I got it, I've got a
very religious dog.
He's got a statue of
St. Bernard on his collar.
- I know an ecology
expert who on his night off
goes out and gets polluted.
- Dan, how do you
make a Swede laugh?
- I don't know, Alan.
- Tell 'im a yoke!
(rim shot)
(upbeat saxophone music)
(thwacking)
We hope the year ahead
is a year to remember,
'cause the last one
was a la da ti da.
- Hi!
La la ti da.
(loud laughing)
La da ti da.
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the year.
(scatting)
- Very interesting,
but nauseating.