Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 14 - Episode #4.14 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- Hello, boys and girls.
I was waiting
for you to drop in.
(laughter)
I think some of you
failed to give your mothers
a ringy-dingy last
week, didn't you?
(laughter)
Now, Ernestine
told you distinctly,
give mom a ringy-dingy.
She'll appreciate it.
(laughter)
Remember, Ernestine told you.
(laughter)
- I love you, Mr. President.
You're an example to us all,
but you sure are
dangerous when you hit
a tennis ball.
(laughter)
(jaunty musical flourish)
- Well, I would
just like to say this,
I am very fortunate,
as President,
to get marvelous
and frequent advice
from the nation's first lady
and occasionally
from her husband,
the Attorney General.
(laughter)
- Do you know what
you get when you cross
two roosters?
You get two cross roosters.
(laughter)
- And now my
impression of Mayor Yorty.
(laughter)
- If you cross a canary,
a telegram and a snake,
you get a singing telegram
that you can slip under a door.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
(applause)
- Oh! Oh!
- Need more security people.
- I tell you.
- Yes.
- They think we're
Lohman & Barkley.
- Oh, before they
start throwing things
when they find out we're not,
hey, we got a
real treat tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is our very special guest.
The very lovely...
- The very talented and
the very, very sweet...
- Sweet.
- Little Debbie Reynolds.
- Little Debbie Reynolds.
(applause)
Isn't she sweet?
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Fellas, let's knock off all that
sweet little Debbie
Reynolds jazz.
I came to do my number.
You know what I want to do?
- Debbie.
- I'm gonna wail,
let it all hang out.
- Wait a minute, Debbie.
No more, oh hooty
owl in the tree.
- No, no way.
No man, no how.
I wanna be wild,
crazy, out of sight.
- Okay, I'll tell
you what we'll do.
We'll put you in that
nude bathtub scene
with Alan and the bear.
- A nude bathtub scene
with Alan and the bear?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh, you'll be fantastic.
Then you can do the
motorcycle queen who wears
all the leather clothes
and smokes cigars.
That's a good one.
- Cigars and nude with a bear?
That's what you want me to do?
- Well, what would
you want to do?
Yo, hooty owl Hooty
hoo Tammy, Tammy
Tammy, my love
- You sing so nice, I love it.
You're heaven, too.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Numb
Broadcasting Company,
pleads temporary insanity
and offers as evidence
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
(jaunty clarinet music)
with the extroverted Dan Rowan
and the inverted Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
six and a half triple E,
Debbie Reynolds.
(laughter)
And, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
Not to forget Dennis
Alan, Johnny Brown,
Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips,
and the 10 tapping toes and
heels of Barbara Sherman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with these words to live by,
keep breathing.
(laughter)
- I don't know how to
tell you this, Marge, but...
- Oh I know, but only this
morning I bought a bottle
of green mouthwash,
and I'm going to use it now.
- No, Marge, that's
not the problem.
It was a different...
- Oh, say no more.
I just happen to have a
can of ice blue whacker.
It keeps me cool
and fresh and dainty.
- Well, Marge, that
wasn't really it...
- Well, what is it?
Little blue pills?
Foaming toothpaste?
- No, no, no, it's none
of those things, Margie.
I don't know how
to tell you this,
but here's what you really need.
- Oh, I don't
need a first aid kit.
- Well, you will if you don't
stay away from my husband.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- [Gary] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford with the better
idea cars for 1971
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(upbeat music)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- I watch your show
every week, Mr. Cosby.
- Barbara, you're
thinking of Bill Cosby.
I'm Bing Crosby.
- Oh, I thought you
looked a little pale.
- I've had a bad season.
(laughter)
- What does he mean by that?
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airline
holiday flight to San
Diego or San Francisco,
depending on the wind.
(laughter)
- Morning, Captain.
(laughter)
- Nurse.
This is my first flight and
I'm just a little bit worried.
What if the plane
should go down?
- Oh, that'll be most unusual.
Most of our planes
don't even go up.
(laughter)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
- To break that
pipe in properly,
what you have to do
is be sure and smoke...
- Ah, I wonder Daniel if
you mind if I played through.
- If you played through?
- Yes, indeed.
Ah, Henderson.
Fine caddy, Henderson.
(laughter)
- Caddy? That's your...
What are you doing?
- Practicing my hobby.
- Golf?
- No, Henderson.
(laughter)
Listen, would you go
check the pin placement
on number 12 over there?
Thank you, Henderson.
- Check the pin placement on 12.
Fine looking caddy
you got there, sir.
- Well, all the better to
get my game in shape
for the big
tournament, you know.
- What tournament
you playing in?
- Only the Burbank Open.
- The Burbank Open.
- It's the toughest tournament
on the tour, you know.
- Dick, they don't even have
a golf course in Burbank.
- That's what makes it so tough.
(laughter)
- Hey I notice you playing
more golf all the time.
It's really getting to
be less of a hobby
and more of a vocation.
- No, my vocation's the
first two weeks in July.
- Oh, come on.
(laughter)
- Actually, my hobbies
are Greek urns.
- If you think I'm gonna
ask you what's a Greek urn...
- Dollar and a half an hour.
(laughter)
Got you again.
I got you good.
- All right, now are
we gonna do a bunch
of silly old jokes or you
want to talk about hobbies?
- Oh no, hobbies are silly.
You know, instead of that,
people ought to collect things.
- Instead of hobbies, well
that's what a lot of people
do when they have a hobby.
They collect things.
Like Arte Johnson.
- People collect Arte Johnson?
- No.
(laughter)
They don't collect Arte Johnson.
- If it's okay with you,
I'll stick to Greek urns.
- I wanted to tell
you about Arte.
- Buck and a half an hour.
- Dick.
I wanted to tell you
about Arte's hobby.
He's interested in numismatism.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Oh, he ought to try one
of those copper bracelets
and drink a lot more water.
- No, Dick, he's
collecting coins.
- Well, that's not
easy in today's taxes.
Besides, aren't his
fingers a little stiff
from the numis... Whoops!
There she is.
(laughter)
What do you think
I ought to use now?
- How about my place?
- Fore!
- Make it 3:30.
(laughter)
- Come along.
- While Dick plays through,
let's play through the quickies.
I gotta see this.
- Hermione, thank heavens
you were wearing your seat belt.
- You know, sister, those
new mini habits are really great.
Who designed them?
- Dior.
- Christian?
- What else?
(laughter)
- Anyway, Charlie, this
dame I met is really something.
Five foot four, great
figure, red hair, green eyes,
cute freckles, a
dimple in her chin.
- Good heavens, that's my wife.
- Naw, she's not
my type, Charlie.
This one is stupid and frigid.
- Good heavens, that's my wife.
(laughter)
- Times are so tense nowadays.
You can't say anything
without starting an argument.
- Oh yes you can.
- No you can't.
- Yes you can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes you can.
- You cannot.
- You can so.
- You can't.
- Yes.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(telephone ringing)
- Hello?
What?
Well, that's disgusting.
I ought to have you arrested.
You want to do what?
Ugh, you're sick.
Honey, it's for you.
(laughter)
- Sister Debbie, do you
live by the Golden Rule?
- No, but I live across
the street from the rectory.
(laughter)
- Honey?
- Huh?
- Harold, now that we
have international television,
why don't we just watch it?
- Okay.
(speaking in German)
- Oh, no honey.
Switch to the French channel.
- Whatever you want.
(speaking in French)
- Oh, honey, switch
to the English channel.
- All right, all right.
(laughter)
- Did I have a tough morning.
- Oh, what did you do?
- I washed the church windows.
I had an awful time
getting the stains out.
(laughter)
- Now that the
quickies are over,
we'd like to show
you this recent article
in the Los Angeles Times.
Sort of caught our fancy.
- Let's see, it says,
Homosexuals Weigh Move
to Alpine County.
Now, according to this article,
members of the Gay
Liberation Front believe
if enough of their persuasion
move in on Alpine County,
they can become the
dominant force in the area.
- That's right, they feel they
could elect their own mayor,
their own sheriff and whatever.
They had plans to turn
sleepy little Alpine County
into a tourist mecca.
- Well, you can imagine
when some of the people of
Alpine County heard this,
they really got a little angry.
- A little upset, yes.
- I suppose you
all saw this article.
Well, I tell you, we ain't
gonna stand for a lot
of weirdos coming in here.
- Well, they did say
that they would open up
a lot of shops and
boutiques and attract tourists.
- Now, be honest, we don't
want a bunch of high-flying,
Fire Island fireflies
turning our community
into some kind
of curiosity place.
- You know, I've been
doing some figuring.
Now, if they do
all they say, see,
and tourists come
here and start spending,
why, it could mean
an increase of income
for each of us of almost
$10,000 per person.
- I don't care.
$10,000?
- [Dennis] Yes, but the
way I figured it, yeah.
- Sweetie, could I hear
those figures again.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flights to Tijuana.
- What is it?
- Would you like a pillow?
- Huh, no.
- Courtesy of Burbank Airlines.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- I was on a flight
recently that was so cheap,
instead of showing a movie,
they put on a high school play.
(laughter)
- Miss Reynolds, I
understand you're involved
in a lot of charity work.
- Yes, that's true.
And my most recent charitable
act is appearing on this show.
- Got you again, eh?
- Sweet.
(laughter)
(jaunty upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flight to Cucamonga.
- Would you like a magazine?
- Oh, yes, please, thank you.
- Here you are, lucky.
- Hey, hold it.
I didn't read that one yet.
(upbeat pop music)
(lush orchestral music)
Lovely lady Charming lady
Fabulous lady, we just adore you
Lady loves to dance
and sing I love to sing
Lady loves to have her fling
I love my fling Lady
loves to do her thing
The lady loves to La da de da
Lady's mad for gay
Paris I love Paris
Lady loves to swim
and ski I love to ski
Lady's hot for you and me
But all she wants is La da de da
Ladies and gents The
lady looks at the news
- With Dick and Dan.
(applause)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Greta Garbo in communicado,
Johnny Carson insomnia,
Milton Berle in drag and
something fishy in Denmark.
- And now, the news.
This is Dan Rowan
sitting in for Ruth Buzzi
- And this is Dick Martin
sitting in for Lily Tomlin.
- Detroit: the thousands of
draft dodgers who sneaked over
the Canadian border to
avoid the violence in Vietnam
were today seen sneaking
back into the United States
to avoid the violence in Canada.
- Ankara, Turkey.
The discovery of Noah's
Ark near Mount Ararat today
solved the mystery of why
the dodo bird became extinct.
In the wreckage of
the ark were found
the remains of two male dodos.
(laughter)
- And now the report
on today's smog level.
- Hi!
(laughter)
- Police investigated a
bomb scare at New York's
Copacabana today and found it.
However, Henny Youngman
refused to leave the stage.
(laughter)
- We'll switch you
now to Haight-Ashbury
for a capsule report.
- Bad news, man, it's a bummer.
- So now to Washington, D.C.,
for the weather in
the nation's capital.
Here's Laugh-In's weatherman.
- Hello.
I am Laugh-In's weatherman,
here in Washington.
Generally stormy and
unsettled conditions prevail.
There is turbulence in the
Senate caused by hot winds
from the speaker's platform
and at the White House itself,
the windows are opened
to take advantage of
a persistent southerly breeze.
(laughter)
- Here's Laugh-In's
troubleshooting action reporter
bringing help where it's needed.
Come in.
- I'm here in Whipple's
Laundromat to help
Mrs. Martha May Hassenyaeger
who has a real problem.
Mrs. Hassenyaeger,
tell us all about it.
- Well, I've been coming
to this here laundromat
for four years and I've
been putting quarters
in that washing
machine for four years
and in four years, not
one machine has worked.
- Well, and have you complained?
- Yes, I did.
I complain a lot anyway.
I complained to the
owner, to the manufacturer
and to Ralph Nader
and nobody helped.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm here to help you
by publicizing your problem.
Now, let's let our
viewers actually watch you
put the quarter into the
machine and see if it works.
- Now, here is my
quarter and now
I'm gonna put it in the machine.
See that?
(laughter)
It did it again.
- You're really stupid,
Mrs. Hassenyaeger.
And now back to
you, Dan and Dick.
- Here's a hopeful
item of the future.
- Christmas 1971.
So many boys have come
home from Vietnam that this year,
Bob Hope's Christmas
Show will emanate from
beautiful downtown
Burbank, California,
United States of America.
- This is Dan Rowan in drag.
- And this is Dick
Martin indecent.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(laughter)
- Okay, now just get me up high.
- Okay, where's Dick's shoulder?
- There, I got it.
- That's it, up on the shoulder.
- I got your shoulder, Dick.
- Here, you're missing my hip.
- Got Dick's shoulder.
- Now, when you hear
the music you'll turn.
La la te da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news.
(applause)
(laughter)
(applause)
(screams)
(upbeat music)
If I had a secret club
- You know what?
My name is Edith Ann
and I'm 97 years old.
And I have arthritis.
And I've got a goat
that could tap dance.
Yeah it could.
And, you know what?
My Aunt Marie's
getting her divorce.
And that's the truth.
(laughter)
- Debbie, we owe you so
much for being here tonight.
- Yes, I know.
And you still owe me for
the last time I was here, too.
- You remembered that.
- Now to bring you the dancing
Raymond and Aaron Burr
plus Mickey Rooney and
his all-wife marching band,
here are America's
sweethearts, Gladys Humphrey
and that tiger of the
teeter-totter, Tyrone F. Horneigh.
Where are you Horneigh?
(laughter)
(bell ringing)
(humming quietly)
(laughs)
- Hi, love bug.
Miss Hornbeam, I
humbly solicit permission
to capture your ravishing
likeness in a photograph
that I may treasure forever.
- Oh, Tyrone.
- That's my name.
- All right, just hurry
up and take the picture.
- Oh, oh, oh don't be so
impatient my little tub of love.
I must position my camera
lest the shot not be adequate.
(laughter)
I think I broke my birdie.
- I don't need to
look at a birdie.
Just snap the picture.
- Very well, I shall
proceed with great haste.
I am using fast film
lest I not capture
the magic of your beauty.
(chuckling)
Now all I have to do
is squeeze the bulb.
- Oh Tyrone, I'm so embarrassed.
People are beginning to stare.
Just hurry up before
I get too nervous.
Tyrone?
Oh, Tyrone?
- Sorry, my pet, I was
a little out of focus.
This cheesecake was
more than I anticipated.
I wonder where her false
nose and eyeglasses are.
Would you call Hugh
Hefner to tell him
that I have the
centerfold ready?
(laughter)
Would you call Mohammed
Ali and tell him you're ready?
(laughter)
Would you call Forest
Lawn and tell them I'm ready?
(laughter)
- Miss Diller, I frankly
do not find your hairdo
particularly tasteful.
- Who told you to chew it?
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- Rich, who's the
most difficult personality
to impersonate?
- Well, it took me a while,
but I finally managed
to perfect Harpo Marx.
(laughter)
- Oh, you sound just like him.
- This is my second
time on Laugh-In,
which goes to prove that
two wrongs don't make a right.
(laughter)
- Dick, a real toughy.
Who's this?
- Okay.
(laughs)
I have no idea.
(laughs)
(jaunty upbeat music)
(laughter)
- This program was
pre-recorded so that we could
bring it to you at a
more convenient time.
Unfortunately, we couldn't
find a more convenient time,
so we brought it to you now.
(upbeat pop music)
- Well, Debbie as an
avid opponent of smoking,
you must be terribly pleased
that cigarette advertising
is going off
television next year.
- Yes, it does my heart good.
Not to mention my lungs.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, some of my
white brethren were surprised
to see me in the pulpit, but
I suggest they look upon me
simply as a chauffeur in
the sweet chariot to paradise.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- I finally met a
Hollywood producer
who was a real gentleman.
I mean, he never tries to
get fresh with any of us girls.
He'd be here tonight,
but he's marching in a
Gay Liberation parade.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- How are you doing, scout?
Hard as a rock.
- I wouldn't know, sir.
- Oh cool it.
Listen, I think somebody
wants you next door.
- Oh, who wants me next door?
- Everybody in here.
(laughter)
- The government was paying
my daddy thousands of dollars
a year not to grow
anything on his farm,
then 800 acres of cotton
came up and he was wiped out.
(upbeat pop music)
- I married my seventh
husband because
he seemed so much
like my first husband,
but now I'm divorcing him
because I found out he was.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, I think
this business of sex and
the young people
has gone too far.
Did you know that there's
a new book out called
The Sensuous Toddler?
I think it's about
Mickey Rooney.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know it's very
difficult to live down
our image in the
minds of younger people
when we have a stammering
sergeant who breaks up
demonstrations by saying,
"T-t-that's all folks."
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, I'm
very embarrassest.
I've been psychologically
conditioning my dog
to attack dummies and
this morning he bit me,
but the chicken's all right.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
You know what?
Today's women are so
confused between the mini skirt
and the midi skirt
and the maxi skirt.
How long do you think a
woman should wear her skirt?
- Oh, at least
'til after dinner.
(laughter)
- Dan?
(upbeat pop music)
- I took the boys in my
troop on an overnight hike
and I told them to
bring me warm things.
Tenderfoot Anucci
brought me his big sister.
(laughter)
Now that's what I
call a good scout.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- There was an awful
lot of pre-election
talk about lowering taxes.
Now that the election's over,
do you think we'll
here anymore about it?
- Yeah, when the next
election comes around.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
(applause)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flight.
Only three stops to
downtown Los Angeles.
(laughter)
- Can I put this up on
the rack for you, buddy?
- Yeah, that'd be neat.
- Oh, Brenda, he's big
enough to do it himself.
- Yeah, you're right.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- I can't believe I
came from an egg.
(laughter)
- Debbie, I've been
watching your new TV show,
and I really enjoy it.
- How could you watch it?
It went off last season.
- I have an old set.
(laughter)
- She sure does.
(laughter)
- You know, Mr. Crosby,
I almost took your name
when I started in show business.
- Well now, yes, Johnny Crosby,
that does sound
very professional.
- Gee, I never thought of that.
I was fooling around
with B-b-b-bing Brown.
- It'd never sell.
(laughter)
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
Stare intently at the white dot.
As you can see, nothing happens.
Why do you do
everything I tell you?
- And now an episode
about a fallen Farkel entitled
The Farkel They Fall,
The Harder They Farkel.
We join them as we
hear Frank Farkel say...
- Hi, we're Frank
and Fanny Farkel,
and of course, you
remember our children.
- No, can't say I do.
- Well, they're all here.
Except the black sheep
of our family, Fifi Farkel.
- I never speak of Fifi Farkel.
- Of whom were you
speaking Father Farkel?
- I was speaking of Fifi
Farkel, of whom I never speak.
Fifi has fouled the Farkel
name by fandangling
and Fifi shall never
enter this house again.
That's her now.
(doorbell ringing)
(laughter)
(sensuous percussive music)
- Hi, I'm your
daughter, Fifi Farkel.
(laughter)
I shall never enter
this house again.
- Come in.
- Hi, Fifi.
We two are Arte Farkel.
- And Smarty Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
- We two are Simon Farkel.
- And Gar Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
- We two are Phyllis Farkel.
- And Fancy Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
And her.
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkel.
(sensuous percussive music)
- [All] What's new?
- Same old grind.
(grinding percussive music)
- I will not look at you.
I shall never speak your
name again, Fifi Farkel,
for fandangling at the
Flamingo in feathers.
- But, Father Farkel.
Just let me show you what I did.
(sensuous percussive music)
- Fate forbid!
- Look, Frank!
Look, Fanny!
All she's doing is the Farkel,
which I, myself, have
done many times in the past.
- Oh, Ferd is right, Frank.
She merely Farkeled.
- Farkel, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear Fanny Farkel.
Fifi Farkel is forgiven.
At last, I can speak her name.
What was it?
Oh, yes, Farkel.
- [All] What?
- Farkel.
- [All] Let's!
Do the Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Farkel, do the Farkel
Do the far, far, far
Farkel-Ation til dawn
(triumphant orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Don't fail to Farkel
our next installment
when we'll hear Ferd
Berfel say to Frank Farkel:
- That's a fine
looking Farkel flinger
you found there, Frank.
(light bouncy music)
(laughter)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Welcome aboard
Burbank Airlines holiday flight
over, around and
into the Grand Canyon.
- Attention passengers
on Burbank Airlines,
non-stop service from
Burbank to Glendale.
Economy passengers
can disembark now.
- First class, we will be
landing in five minutes.
(laughter)
(jaunty upbeat music)
- Debbie, could you help me
with a very personal problem?
- Sure, Dick.
- Good, come on.
(laughter)
(bells chiming)
- Oh, you're gonna love
The Mod World tonight.
- Why?
- Oh, yeah, your
favorite subject.
- What?
- Tonight, Laugh-In salutes
an all-American institution,
the television Late Show.
- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
I just love those old movies.
- Yeah, I know you do.
- I saw a great one last
night about this fierce Indian
after Gary Cooper.
- The Plainsman.
- No, just in the nick of time,
Gary captures a whole
company of Germans.
- Oh, that was Sergeant York.
- No, it was Gary
Cooper, all right,
because right after that,
Butterfly McQueen
said to Bing Crosby,
"Lawdy, Miss Scarlett,
I don't know nothing
"about birthin' no blues!"
(laughter)
- That sounds
like quite a flick.
- Then came my favorite
scene where this American
owns this bar in Morocco, see,
and the piano player named Sam.
Play it again, Sam.
- That's Casablanca.
- Sorry.
Play it again, Casablanca.
(laughter)
That's a funny name
for a piano player, isn't it?
- No, that's the movie title.
You were watching Casablanca,
with Humphrey
Bogart, Ingrid Bergman.
- No, I watched it
with Harriet, actually.
(laughter)
- However you watch it,
the Late Show brings great
entertainment to the home.
- It certainly does.
- Yes, film classics
like Citizen Kane,
On the Waterfront...
- Girls from 814.
- Girls from 814?
I never saw that.
- It's not a movie.
You see, Harriet
and her roommate,
they told me to come
up and watch the show.
It was High Noon.
- That's a great picture.
- No, that's when
they got there.
It was... (laughter)
We better take a
look at our Late Show.
- Okay, I'll get the popcorn
and meet you in 814.
Hollywood adored us
Worshipped then ignored us
Fame and film had
quickly slipped away
But TV revived us And
our work survived us
Every night our
films are on display
Will our country's single girls
Started wearing golden curls
When they see me
on the Late Show
She's America's Sweetheart
Though it's from a different age
Will the tango be the rage
When I dance it on the Late Show
He's a regular gaucho
Everything on TV now
Is such a crashing bore
It's like Swanson said
They don't make faces
anymore Just money
It's suspenseful, it's terrif
When I'm hanging from a cliff
Will the public scream "Let go"
Oh no Every night
on the Late Late Show
I was on that purple plain
Long before you had John Wayne
I'm still ridin' on
that Late Show
Better giddyap, cowboy
Do the Charleston
Never quit Blaming
you, boy I had It
And it's showing
on the Late Show
The original flapper
I was anti-everything
My little chickadee
Now I find that kids
today Are imitating me
Those varmints I could
dim the bedroom lamp
Long before a vamp was camp
Let me turn your
light down low Oh!
Every night on
the Late Late Show
And it's a great
Late Late Late Late
Late Show (applause)
- Jack, do you like old movies?
- Love 'em.
Last night, I saw the Late
Show with Cary Grant.
- Oh, you're lucky.
I had to watch it
with my old man.
Blah, blah, blah!
(laughter)
- My husband and I
got so used to watching
the Late Show in bed,
the other night we
went to a movie theater
and we were thrown out for
lying in the aisle
in our pajamas.
(laughter)
- Folks, you can see some really
old movies on the Late Show.
Last night, I saw one
about Paul Revere,
made by himself.
(laughter)
- I watched a movie on
the Late Show last night
that was so old it was
produced by 19th Century Fox.
(laughter)
- I wish the Late
Show didn't end with
the Star Spangled Banner.
I feel so silly
standing up in bed.
(laughter)
- Talk about sex and
violence in movies,
you ought to watch
the Late Show.
There's so little sex,
it makes me violent.
(laughter)
- There's so many car
commercials on the Late Show.
I have to take my set in
every two months for a lube job.
(laughter)
- Wow! Wow!
- Tired of the city?
Now you, too, can beat
the heat in the summer,
beat the cold in the winter,
beat your feet on the
Mississippi mud and
beat your wife in private,
right here at beautiful
Lake Foonman.
For just $2 down,
only $2000 a week,
you can own your
very own half-acre plot.
These plots are such
great plots, you could plotz.
Call our number collect
if you are within
20 feet of our studio
and take advantage
of this special offer
before the tide comes in.
And don't miss tomorrow
night's film on the Late Show
as Channel Four
presents The Maltese Milk.
And now, here's a scene from
this exciting murder mystery.
- And so, therefore,
I know that you...
(gasping)
Drake Stanfield,
are the murderer.
- No, please.
- Kiss me.
(laughter)
- Kiss somebody.
(laughter)
- Just one of the exciting,
suspenseful scenes
you'll see in this whodunit.
(orchestral flourish)
(foghorn wailing)
- Hi there.
I'd like to tell you
about an exciting career
open to you in motel management.
If you're 70 years old, or
know someone who's graduated
high school or if you've
ever owned your own tie,
you're qualified for this
highly specialized position.
Things like sitting at the desk,
placing local calls, making
hundreds of ice cubes.
Just picture the exciting
thing you and your bride
could be doing around
your very own motel.
(laughter)
Putting paper bags around
sanitized water glasses.
Why, many years go,
when I was in my early 90s,
I was leading a
dull life as dictator
of a Central American republic.
One day, I said to myself,
"El Conquistador, why not
realize your boyhood dream?
"Become a motel manager."
But that was a
mere 50 years ago.
I'd like to talk more
about this but right now,
it's time for a movie,
a 1930 extravaganza
starring a young
Ronald Reagan entitled
Bozo Goes To College.
(laughter)
(foghorn wailing)
- Hi, I'm Dick.
- Hello there.
I'm Ruby.
- I love you.
- I know.
(crashing)
- We just hit an iceberg.
We may die.
- I know.
(laughter)
I'm drowning for love Darling
Say we'll never part
I've got tears in my eyes
And water in my heart
I'm drowning for love
Please let me explain
I've got you in my mind
And water on the brain
Drowning and dying
And choking, crying
What a lovely night for romance
There's lightning and thunder
The ship's going under
But first we've gotta dance
(jaunty orchestral music)
(laughter)
- Oh, gosh!
- [Announcer]
There's room for only
one more in the lifeboat.
- Oh, I'll never leave you!
Never, darling!
- That's good.
Ruby, I hate to do
this, but... (thudding)
Here comes your passenger!
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- [Ruth] We'll be
right back with
our look at the Late Show.
- [Gary] Wouldn't you
rather watch television?
(laughter)
And now, back to our
salute to the Late Show.
(snoring)
(laughter)
(lush orchestral music)
- Listen, baby, the
star just broke her leg
so get in there and
sing your heart out.
- Oh!
Go to my head (laughter)
It's a big, wide,
wonderful world we live in
(laughter)
I get no kick from champagne
(laughter)
Stars fell on Alabama (laughter)
For I'm falling in
love... (laughter)
For April showers
may come your way
(laughter)
- Nice going, kid, but
they decided to bring in
a girl less accident-prone.
(laughter)
- Who?
- Who? Mia Farrow.
- Oh, class.
- Twins, you know.
- [Debbie] I read about it.
(laughter)
- You know, Sam, I
can't stop thinking of her.
Remember our song?
Play it again, Sam, and
Sam, do it the way she did it.
You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
- That's the way
she sounded, Sam.
Lousy.
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(laughter)
- Say, how would you
like to have these three
famous paintings hanging in
your home at absolutely no cost?
Well, now you can for just
$10 a month for 12 months
plus tax and handling charges.
They're yours!
Here's what you get:
The Blue Boy, also available
in green and off-white.
The Mona Lisa, with
famous smile or toothy grin,
also available in
profile and friends,
if you're not
completely satisfied,
tell you what we're gonna do.
Just return the
untouched painting within
30 days for a new paint job.
Act now!
For the first 500 callers,
we'll include at additional cost
10 pounds of bacon fat.
Now, back to our commercial.
(upbeat pop music)
- And now, fans, time to
visit those lovable lushes,
boozers extraordinaire,
The Swizzlers.
- [Louise] Charles,
my husband is
starting to get suspicious.
- [Charles] I
don't care, Louise.
Every man has the
right to live his own life.
- You tell her, Charles!
Live your own life!
- He's a homewrecker.
- Shame on you.
Watch Charles live his own life.
- [Louise] Charles, I
can't ask him for a divorce.
I've got the children
to think about.
(sobbing)
- She's got children and
that homewrecker is trying
to bust up her family.
(sobbing)
- [Charles] Louise,
let's discuss this over
a glass of champagne.
- I'll drink to that!
(laughter)
- Just like all men, he's
trying to get her drunk!
(laughter)
- [Louise] No, Charles, no.
Champagne is not the answer.
I'm afraid this is it.
I'm leaving you forever.
Goodbye, Charles.
(sobbing)
- Louise, you took the
words right out of my mouth.
Oh, Leonard, Leonard!
Who needs you, you homewrecker!
This is it!
I'm leaving you forever.
Goodbye, Leonard.
(sobbing)
(thudding)
(laughter)
- Hey, Doris, don't go yet.
They're gonna have the wine
commercial coming right up.
(laughter)
- You big lug.
You sure know how
to sweet-talk a lady.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Sometimes, the Late
Show runs into trouble
when it has a foreign film
where the dialogue might be
a little too earthy
for television.
But, that can be fixed
with subtitles, like this.
(exotic guitar music)
(laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
(laughter)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Well, that's our
look at the Late Show.
How'd you like it?
- Fine, especially that
part where Jimmy Cagney
comes in and he says,
"All right, you guys, let's
win one for the Gipper."
- No, that was Pat O'Brien.
- Oh.
"Let's win one for Pat O'Brien."
(laughter)
- No, Pat O'Brien said that line
when he played Knute Rockne.
It was a famous locker
room speech when he was
firing up the Notre
Dame football team.
He said, "Let's win
one for the Gipper."
You know who played the Gipper?
- Sure, the
unforgettable Lyle Talbot.
- Oh, no, much bigger than that.
- You're kidding.
Well, how could I ever forget
the unforgettable Rod Cameron?
(laughter)
- Wrong again.
Now, think.
He went on to become Governor.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
The unforgettable 10
tapping toes of Dan Dailey.
(laughter)
- No, I'm talking about
Governor Reagan.
- The unforgettable
Ralph Reagan!
- Ronald.
- Right, Ronald Coleman.
Who could ever
forget when he said,
"Frankly, my dear,
I'm gonna build a dam."
(laughter)
- That's
unforgettable, all right.
- As a matter of fact, I'm
gonna build one for the Gipper.
- Build one for the Gipper.
- I am.
(jaunty upbeat music)
(laughter)
- [Gary] In beautiful
downtown Burbank,
nearly everyone reads
The National Review.
(laughter)
- Hey, wasn't that
William F. Buckley?
- Yeah, that's right and
we're all very excited
because he's going to
be our guest in two weeks
in our year-end wrap-up.
- That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in two weeks,
Mr. William F. Buckley
will appear on this show
in his first singing
and dancing role...
- Now, wait.
Wait a minute now.
Bill Buckley's not
going to sing or dance.
- Oh, he's going to do his
impression of David Frye.
- He isn't, either.
(laughter)
- Well, whatever he's
gonna do, I'm gonna be here
even if it means
cancelling my trip.
- What trip?
- I was going moose fishing.
(laughter)
- Moose fishing?
That's ridiculous.
Now, do yourself a favor
and be here in two weeks
to watch Bill Buckley.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
- Oh, okay, but the moose is
going to be very disappointed.
He bought hip boots
and everything, you know.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- I just said, "Say
goodnight, Dick."
- But you didn't say,
"Say goodnight, Dick."
You just said, "Say,
goodnight, Dick."
Say, "Say goodnight, Dick."
(laughter)
- Okay.
Say "Say goodnight, Dick."
- Say "Say goodnight, Dick."
- I said it.
- Then I don't have
to say goodnight.
Goodnight, Dan.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Debbie.
- Debbie who?
- Debbie a hot time
in the old town tonight.
(laughter)
- Oh, Debbie.
They got to you already?
- Oh, anybody who thinks
that all men are created equal
should see Mickey Rooney
try on Wilt Chamberlain's pants.
(laughter)
- Any girl can look
beautiful at her wedding.
All she needs is
three ugly bridesmaids.
(laughter)
- Dick, I understand
that you're a great golfer.
- Ah.
- What's the least you've
ever gone a round in?
- Oh, an old t-shirt
and a pair of slippers.
(laughter)
- My uncle went all
the way to Ireland
to look for his great-grandparents,
but he didn't find 'em.
- Oh, no wonder.
They're probably dead by now.
(laughter)
- Okay, hold it down.
My sister was sick
and tired of keeping up
with the constantly
changing hemlines,
so you know what she did?
- What?
- She had an operation.
Now, her knees are
just below her ankles.
(laughter)
- You know, Jackie
Gleason... Oh!
(laughter)
- Alan?
- What is it, Barbara?
- What's the difference between
a regular fly and a horsefly?
- [Ann] That's housefly!
- Horsefly.
- A horsefly has a
much bigger zipper.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines'
holiday flight to Death Valley.
- Sir, I'm happy to
inform you that the airlines
is providing more and more
free services to our customers.
- Oh, how nice.
- Would you care for
some of our free coffee?
- Yes, I would.
That would be nice.
- Now, would you
care to purchase a cup?
- I'm not going to
purchase a cup.
- Whatever you say.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- Now, would you
like to rent a napkin?
(laughter)
- Very interesting, but
where is that Debbie,
the wife of the shoe
man, Harry Shoe?
What's her name?
Oh, yeah.
Debbie Shoes.
Oh, oh, oh, Debbie Shoes!
(giggling)
- Were you calling me, Wolfgang?
- No, I was calling
you Debbie Shoes.
(chuckling)
- I'm not Debbie Shoes.
It's Karl, or Reynolds.
- Okay, Karl Reynolds Shoes.
(laughter)
- He's Harry Karl.
I'm Debbie Reynolds.
I'm Debbie, he's Harry.
- He's hairy, huh?
Well, have him shaved
and send him to my bunker.
(laughing)
I'd like to talk to Harry about
getting a pair of boots at cost.
These keep pinching me.
- You'll have the same
problem with Harry.
I do.
(laughter)
- As an actress,
she's a shoe-in.
(laughter)
Anyway, Max Dillman, here's
another cowboy on Sunday nights
who wants to
shoot it out with you.
Horst Cartwright.
Watch out for him.
He's the fattest
gun in the West.
(laughter)
- Hey, watch next week
to see William F. Buckley.
Thank yas.
(single person clapping)
(NBC chimes)
following program is brought
to you in living color on NBC.
- Hello, boys and girls.
I was waiting
for you to drop in.
(laughter)
I think some of you
failed to give your mothers
a ringy-dingy last
week, didn't you?
(laughter)
Now, Ernestine
told you distinctly,
give mom a ringy-dingy.
She'll appreciate it.
(laughter)
Remember, Ernestine told you.
(laughter)
- I love you, Mr. President.
You're an example to us all,
but you sure are
dangerous when you hit
a tennis ball.
(laughter)
(jaunty musical flourish)
- Well, I would
just like to say this,
I am very fortunate,
as President,
to get marvelous
and frequent advice
from the nation's first lady
and occasionally
from her husband,
the Attorney General.
(laughter)
- Do you know what
you get when you cross
two roosters?
You get two cross roosters.
(laughter)
- And now my
impression of Mayor Yorty.
(laughter)
- If you cross a canary,
a telegram and a snake,
you get a singing telegram
that you can slip under a door.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
(applause)
- Oh! Oh!
- Need more security people.
- I tell you.
- Yes.
- They think we're
Lohman & Barkley.
- Oh, before they
start throwing things
when they find out we're not,
hey, we got a
real treat tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is our very special guest.
The very lovely...
- The very talented and
the very, very sweet...
- Sweet.
- Little Debbie Reynolds.
- Little Debbie Reynolds.
(applause)
Isn't she sweet?
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Fellas, let's knock off all that
sweet little Debbie
Reynolds jazz.
I came to do my number.
You know what I want to do?
- Debbie.
- I'm gonna wail,
let it all hang out.
- Wait a minute, Debbie.
No more, oh hooty
owl in the tree.
- No, no way.
No man, no how.
I wanna be wild,
crazy, out of sight.
- Okay, I'll tell
you what we'll do.
We'll put you in that
nude bathtub scene
with Alan and the bear.
- A nude bathtub scene
with Alan and the bear?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh, you'll be fantastic.
Then you can do the
motorcycle queen who wears
all the leather clothes
and smokes cigars.
That's a good one.
- Cigars and nude with a bear?
That's what you want me to do?
- Well, what would
you want to do?
Yo, hooty owl Hooty
hoo Tammy, Tammy
Tammy, my love
- You sing so nice, I love it.
You're heaven, too.
- And now, from beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Numb
Broadcasting Company,
pleads temporary insanity
and offers as evidence
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
(jaunty clarinet music)
with the extroverted Dan Rowan
and the inverted Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
six and a half triple E,
Debbie Reynolds.
(laughter)
And, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
Not to forget Dennis
Alan, Johnny Brown,
Ann Elder,
Nancy Phillips,
and the 10 tapping toes and
heels of Barbara Sherman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with these words to live by,
keep breathing.
(laughter)
- I don't know how to
tell you this, Marge, but...
- Oh I know, but only this
morning I bought a bottle
of green mouthwash,
and I'm going to use it now.
- No, Marge, that's
not the problem.
It was a different...
- Oh, say no more.
I just happen to have a
can of ice blue whacker.
It keeps me cool
and fresh and dainty.
- Well, Marge, that
wasn't really it...
- Well, what is it?
Little blue pills?
Foaming toothpaste?
- No, no, no, it's none
of those things, Margie.
I don't know how
to tell you this,
but here's what you really need.
- Oh, I don't
need a first aid kit.
- Well, you will if you don't
stay away from my husband.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- [Gary] Portions of
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford with the better
idea cars for 1971
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(upbeat music)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- I watch your show
every week, Mr. Cosby.
- Barbara, you're
thinking of Bill Cosby.
I'm Bing Crosby.
- Oh, I thought you
looked a little pale.
- I've had a bad season.
(laughter)
- What does he mean by that?
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airline
holiday flight to San
Diego or San Francisco,
depending on the wind.
(laughter)
- Morning, Captain.
(laughter)
- Nurse.
This is my first flight and
I'm just a little bit worried.
What if the plane
should go down?
- Oh, that'll be most unusual.
Most of our planes
don't even go up.
(laughter)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
- To break that
pipe in properly,
what you have to do
is be sure and smoke...
- Ah, I wonder Daniel if
you mind if I played through.
- If you played through?
- Yes, indeed.
Ah, Henderson.
Fine caddy, Henderson.
(laughter)
- Caddy? That's your...
What are you doing?
- Practicing my hobby.
- Golf?
- No, Henderson.
(laughter)
Listen, would you go
check the pin placement
on number 12 over there?
Thank you, Henderson.
- Check the pin placement on 12.
Fine looking caddy
you got there, sir.
- Well, all the better to
get my game in shape
for the big
tournament, you know.
- What tournament
you playing in?
- Only the Burbank Open.
- The Burbank Open.
- It's the toughest tournament
on the tour, you know.
- Dick, they don't even have
a golf course in Burbank.
- That's what makes it so tough.
(laughter)
- Hey I notice you playing
more golf all the time.
It's really getting to
be less of a hobby
and more of a vocation.
- No, my vocation's the
first two weeks in July.
- Oh, come on.
(laughter)
- Actually, my hobbies
are Greek urns.
- If you think I'm gonna
ask you what's a Greek urn...
- Dollar and a half an hour.
(laughter)
Got you again.
I got you good.
- All right, now are
we gonna do a bunch
of silly old jokes or you
want to talk about hobbies?
- Oh no, hobbies are silly.
You know, instead of that,
people ought to collect things.
- Instead of hobbies, well
that's what a lot of people
do when they have a hobby.
They collect things.
Like Arte Johnson.
- People collect Arte Johnson?
- No.
(laughter)
They don't collect Arte Johnson.
- If it's okay with you,
I'll stick to Greek urns.
- I wanted to tell
you about Arte.
- Buck and a half an hour.
- Dick.
I wanted to tell you
about Arte's hobby.
He's interested in numismatism.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Oh, he ought to try one
of those copper bracelets
and drink a lot more water.
- No, Dick, he's
collecting coins.
- Well, that's not
easy in today's taxes.
Besides, aren't his
fingers a little stiff
from the numis... Whoops!
There she is.
(laughter)
What do you think
I ought to use now?
- How about my place?
- Fore!
- Make it 3:30.
(laughter)
- Come along.
- While Dick plays through,
let's play through the quickies.
I gotta see this.
- Hermione, thank heavens
you were wearing your seat belt.
- You know, sister, those
new mini habits are really great.
Who designed them?
- Dior.
- Christian?
- What else?
(laughter)
- Anyway, Charlie, this
dame I met is really something.
Five foot four, great
figure, red hair, green eyes,
cute freckles, a
dimple in her chin.
- Good heavens, that's my wife.
- Naw, she's not
my type, Charlie.
This one is stupid and frigid.
- Good heavens, that's my wife.
(laughter)
- Times are so tense nowadays.
You can't say anything
without starting an argument.
- Oh yes you can.
- No you can't.
- Yes you can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes you can.
- You cannot.
- You can so.
- You can't.
- Yes.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(telephone ringing)
- Hello?
What?
Well, that's disgusting.
I ought to have you arrested.
You want to do what?
Ugh, you're sick.
Honey, it's for you.
(laughter)
- Sister Debbie, do you
live by the Golden Rule?
- No, but I live across
the street from the rectory.
(laughter)
- Honey?
- Huh?
- Harold, now that we
have international television,
why don't we just watch it?
- Okay.
(speaking in German)
- Oh, no honey.
Switch to the French channel.
- Whatever you want.
(speaking in French)
- Oh, honey, switch
to the English channel.
- All right, all right.
(laughter)
- Did I have a tough morning.
- Oh, what did you do?
- I washed the church windows.
I had an awful time
getting the stains out.
(laughter)
- Now that the
quickies are over,
we'd like to show
you this recent article
in the Los Angeles Times.
Sort of caught our fancy.
- Let's see, it says,
Homosexuals Weigh Move
to Alpine County.
Now, according to this article,
members of the Gay
Liberation Front believe
if enough of their persuasion
move in on Alpine County,
they can become the
dominant force in the area.
- That's right, they feel they
could elect their own mayor,
their own sheriff and whatever.
They had plans to turn
sleepy little Alpine County
into a tourist mecca.
- Well, you can imagine
when some of the people of
Alpine County heard this,
they really got a little angry.
- A little upset, yes.
- I suppose you
all saw this article.
Well, I tell you, we ain't
gonna stand for a lot
of weirdos coming in here.
- Well, they did say
that they would open up
a lot of shops and
boutiques and attract tourists.
- Now, be honest, we don't
want a bunch of high-flying,
Fire Island fireflies
turning our community
into some kind
of curiosity place.
- You know, I've been
doing some figuring.
Now, if they do
all they say, see,
and tourists come
here and start spending,
why, it could mean
an increase of income
for each of us of almost
$10,000 per person.
- I don't care.
$10,000?
- [Dennis] Yes, but the
way I figured it, yeah.
- Sweetie, could I hear
those figures again.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flights to Tijuana.
- What is it?
- Would you like a pillow?
- Huh, no.
- Courtesy of Burbank Airlines.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- I was on a flight
recently that was so cheap,
instead of showing a movie,
they put on a high school play.
(laughter)
- Miss Reynolds, I
understand you're involved
in a lot of charity work.
- Yes, that's true.
And my most recent charitable
act is appearing on this show.
- Got you again, eh?
- Sweet.
(laughter)
(jaunty upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flight to Cucamonga.
- Would you like a magazine?
- Oh, yes, please, thank you.
- Here you are, lucky.
- Hey, hold it.
I didn't read that one yet.
(upbeat pop music)
(lush orchestral music)
Lovely lady Charming lady
Fabulous lady, we just adore you
Lady loves to dance
and sing I love to sing
Lady loves to have her fling
I love my fling Lady
loves to do her thing
The lady loves to La da de da
Lady's mad for gay
Paris I love Paris
Lady loves to swim
and ski I love to ski
Lady's hot for you and me
But all she wants is La da de da
Ladies and gents The
lady looks at the news
- With Dick and Dan.
(applause)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In news
with Greta Garbo in communicado,
Johnny Carson insomnia,
Milton Berle in drag and
something fishy in Denmark.
- And now, the news.
This is Dan Rowan
sitting in for Ruth Buzzi
- And this is Dick Martin
sitting in for Lily Tomlin.
- Detroit: the thousands of
draft dodgers who sneaked over
the Canadian border to
avoid the violence in Vietnam
were today seen sneaking
back into the United States
to avoid the violence in Canada.
- Ankara, Turkey.
The discovery of Noah's
Ark near Mount Ararat today
solved the mystery of why
the dodo bird became extinct.
In the wreckage of
the ark were found
the remains of two male dodos.
(laughter)
- And now the report
on today's smog level.
- Hi!
(laughter)
- Police investigated a
bomb scare at New York's
Copacabana today and found it.
However, Henny Youngman
refused to leave the stage.
(laughter)
- We'll switch you
now to Haight-Ashbury
for a capsule report.
- Bad news, man, it's a bummer.
- So now to Washington, D.C.,
for the weather in
the nation's capital.
Here's Laugh-In's weatherman.
- Hello.
I am Laugh-In's weatherman,
here in Washington.
Generally stormy and
unsettled conditions prevail.
There is turbulence in the
Senate caused by hot winds
from the speaker's platform
and at the White House itself,
the windows are opened
to take advantage of
a persistent southerly breeze.
(laughter)
- Here's Laugh-In's
troubleshooting action reporter
bringing help where it's needed.
Come in.
- I'm here in Whipple's
Laundromat to help
Mrs. Martha May Hassenyaeger
who has a real problem.
Mrs. Hassenyaeger,
tell us all about it.
- Well, I've been coming
to this here laundromat
for four years and I've
been putting quarters
in that washing
machine for four years
and in four years, not
one machine has worked.
- Well, and have you complained?
- Yes, I did.
I complain a lot anyway.
I complained to the
owner, to the manufacturer
and to Ralph Nader
and nobody helped.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm here to help you
by publicizing your problem.
Now, let's let our
viewers actually watch you
put the quarter into the
machine and see if it works.
- Now, here is my
quarter and now
I'm gonna put it in the machine.
See that?
(laughter)
It did it again.
- You're really stupid,
Mrs. Hassenyaeger.
And now back to
you, Dan and Dick.
- Here's a hopeful
item of the future.
- Christmas 1971.
So many boys have come
home from Vietnam that this year,
Bob Hope's Christmas
Show will emanate from
beautiful downtown
Burbank, California,
United States of America.
- This is Dan Rowan in drag.
- And this is Dick
Martin indecent.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(laughter)
- Okay, now just get me up high.
- Okay, where's Dick's shoulder?
- There, I got it.
- That's it, up on the shoulder.
- I got your shoulder, Dick.
- Here, you're missing my hip.
- Got Dick's shoulder.
- Now, when you hear
the music you'll turn.
La la te da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news.
(applause)
(laughter)
(applause)
(screams)
(upbeat music)
If I had a secret club
- You know what?
My name is Edith Ann
and I'm 97 years old.
And I have arthritis.
And I've got a goat
that could tap dance.
Yeah it could.
And, you know what?
My Aunt Marie's
getting her divorce.
And that's the truth.
(laughter)
- Debbie, we owe you so
much for being here tonight.
- Yes, I know.
And you still owe me for
the last time I was here, too.
- You remembered that.
- Now to bring you the dancing
Raymond and Aaron Burr
plus Mickey Rooney and
his all-wife marching band,
here are America's
sweethearts, Gladys Humphrey
and that tiger of the
teeter-totter, Tyrone F. Horneigh.
Where are you Horneigh?
(laughter)
(bell ringing)
(humming quietly)
(laughs)
- Hi, love bug.
Miss Hornbeam, I
humbly solicit permission
to capture your ravishing
likeness in a photograph
that I may treasure forever.
- Oh, Tyrone.
- That's my name.
- All right, just hurry
up and take the picture.
- Oh, oh, oh don't be so
impatient my little tub of love.
I must position my camera
lest the shot not be adequate.
(laughter)
I think I broke my birdie.
- I don't need to
look at a birdie.
Just snap the picture.
- Very well, I shall
proceed with great haste.
I am using fast film
lest I not capture
the magic of your beauty.
(chuckling)
Now all I have to do
is squeeze the bulb.
- Oh Tyrone, I'm so embarrassed.
People are beginning to stare.
Just hurry up before
I get too nervous.
Tyrone?
Oh, Tyrone?
- Sorry, my pet, I was
a little out of focus.
This cheesecake was
more than I anticipated.
I wonder where her false
nose and eyeglasses are.
Would you call Hugh
Hefner to tell him
that I have the
centerfold ready?
(laughter)
Would you call Mohammed
Ali and tell him you're ready?
(laughter)
Would you call Forest
Lawn and tell them I'm ready?
(laughter)
- Miss Diller, I frankly
do not find your hairdo
particularly tasteful.
- Who told you to chew it?
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral fanfare)
- Rich, who's the
most difficult personality
to impersonate?
- Well, it took me a while,
but I finally managed
to perfect Harpo Marx.
(laughter)
- Oh, you sound just like him.
- This is my second
time on Laugh-In,
which goes to prove that
two wrongs don't make a right.
(laughter)
- Dick, a real toughy.
Who's this?
- Okay.
(laughs)
I have no idea.
(laughs)
(jaunty upbeat music)
(laughter)
- This program was
pre-recorded so that we could
bring it to you at a
more convenient time.
Unfortunately, we couldn't
find a more convenient time,
so we brought it to you now.
(upbeat pop music)
- Well, Debbie as an
avid opponent of smoking,
you must be terribly pleased
that cigarette advertising
is going off
television next year.
- Yes, it does my heart good.
Not to mention my lungs.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, some of my
white brethren were surprised
to see me in the pulpit, but
I suggest they look upon me
simply as a chauffeur in
the sweet chariot to paradise.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- I finally met a
Hollywood producer
who was a real gentleman.
I mean, he never tries to
get fresh with any of us girls.
He'd be here tonight,
but he's marching in a
Gay Liberation parade.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- How are you doing, scout?
Hard as a rock.
- I wouldn't know, sir.
- Oh cool it.
Listen, I think somebody
wants you next door.
- Oh, who wants me next door?
- Everybody in here.
(laughter)
- The government was paying
my daddy thousands of dollars
a year not to grow
anything on his farm,
then 800 acres of cotton
came up and he was wiped out.
(upbeat pop music)
- I married my seventh
husband because
he seemed so much
like my first husband,
but now I'm divorcing him
because I found out he was.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, I think
this business of sex and
the young people
has gone too far.
Did you know that there's
a new book out called
The Sensuous Toddler?
I think it's about
Mickey Rooney.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know it's very
difficult to live down
our image in the
minds of younger people
when we have a stammering
sergeant who breaks up
demonstrations by saying,
"T-t-that's all folks."
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- You know, I'm
very embarrassest.
I've been psychologically
conditioning my dog
to attack dummies and
this morning he bit me,
but the chicken's all right.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
You know what?
Today's women are so
confused between the mini skirt
and the midi skirt
and the maxi skirt.
How long do you think a
woman should wear her skirt?
- Oh, at least
'til after dinner.
(laughter)
- Dan?
(upbeat pop music)
- I took the boys in my
troop on an overnight hike
and I told them to
bring me warm things.
Tenderfoot Anucci
brought me his big sister.
(laughter)
Now that's what I
call a good scout.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- There was an awful
lot of pre-election
talk about lowering taxes.
Now that the election's over,
do you think we'll
here anymore about it?
- Yeah, when the next
election comes around.
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
(applause)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines
holiday flight.
Only three stops to
downtown Los Angeles.
(laughter)
- Can I put this up on
the rack for you, buddy?
- Yeah, that'd be neat.
- Oh, Brenda, he's big
enough to do it himself.
- Yeah, you're right.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)
(laughter)
- I can't believe I
came from an egg.
(laughter)
- Debbie, I've been
watching your new TV show,
and I really enjoy it.
- How could you watch it?
It went off last season.
- I have an old set.
(laughter)
- She sure does.
(laughter)
- You know, Mr. Crosby,
I almost took your name
when I started in show business.
- Well now, yes, Johnny Crosby,
that does sound
very professional.
- Gee, I never thought of that.
I was fooling around
with B-b-b-bing Brown.
- It'd never sell.
(laughter)
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
Stare intently at the white dot.
As you can see, nothing happens.
Why do you do
everything I tell you?
- And now an episode
about a fallen Farkel entitled
The Farkel They Fall,
The Harder They Farkel.
We join them as we
hear Frank Farkel say...
- Hi, we're Frank
and Fanny Farkel,
and of course, you
remember our children.
- No, can't say I do.
- Well, they're all here.
Except the black sheep
of our family, Fifi Farkel.
- I never speak of Fifi Farkel.
- Of whom were you
speaking Father Farkel?
- I was speaking of Fifi
Farkel, of whom I never speak.
Fifi has fouled the Farkel
name by fandangling
and Fifi shall never
enter this house again.
That's her now.
(doorbell ringing)
(laughter)
(sensuous percussive music)
- Hi, I'm your
daughter, Fifi Farkel.
(laughter)
I shall never enter
this house again.
- Come in.
- Hi, Fifi.
We two are Arte Farkel.
- And Smarty Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
- We two are Simon Farkel.
- And Gar Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
- We two are Phyllis Farkel.
- And Fancy Farkel, too.
(sensuous percussive music)
And her.
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkel.
(sensuous percussive music)
- [All] What's new?
- Same old grind.
(grinding percussive music)
- I will not look at you.
I shall never speak your
name again, Fifi Farkel,
for fandangling at the
Flamingo in feathers.
- But, Father Farkel.
Just let me show you what I did.
(sensuous percussive music)
- Fate forbid!
- Look, Frank!
Look, Fanny!
All she's doing is the Farkel,
which I, myself, have
done many times in the past.
- Oh, Ferd is right, Frank.
She merely Farkeled.
- Farkel, my dear Fanny?
Imagine, my dear Fanny Farkel.
Fifi Farkel is forgiven.
At last, I can speak her name.
What was it?
Oh, yes, Farkel.
- [All] What?
- Farkel.
- [All] Let's!
Do the Farkel Do the Farkel
Do the Farkel, do the Farkel
Do the far, far, far
Farkel-Ation til dawn
(triumphant orchestral fanfare)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Don't fail to Farkel
our next installment
when we'll hear Ferd
Berfel say to Frank Farkel:
- That's a fine
looking Farkel flinger
you found there, Frank.
(light bouncy music)
(laughter)
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Welcome aboard
Burbank Airlines holiday flight
over, around and
into the Grand Canyon.
- Attention passengers
on Burbank Airlines,
non-stop service from
Burbank to Glendale.
Economy passengers
can disembark now.
- First class, we will be
landing in five minutes.
(laughter)
(jaunty upbeat music)
- Debbie, could you help me
with a very personal problem?
- Sure, Dick.
- Good, come on.
(laughter)
(bells chiming)
- Oh, you're gonna love
The Mod World tonight.
- Why?
- Oh, yeah, your
favorite subject.
- What?
- Tonight, Laugh-In salutes
an all-American institution,
the television Late Show.
- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
I just love those old movies.
- Yeah, I know you do.
- I saw a great one last
night about this fierce Indian
after Gary Cooper.
- The Plainsman.
- No, just in the nick of time,
Gary captures a whole
company of Germans.
- Oh, that was Sergeant York.
- No, it was Gary
Cooper, all right,
because right after that,
Butterfly McQueen
said to Bing Crosby,
"Lawdy, Miss Scarlett,
I don't know nothing
"about birthin' no blues!"
(laughter)
- That sounds
like quite a flick.
- Then came my favorite
scene where this American
owns this bar in Morocco, see,
and the piano player named Sam.
Play it again, Sam.
- That's Casablanca.
- Sorry.
Play it again, Casablanca.
(laughter)
That's a funny name
for a piano player, isn't it?
- No, that's the movie title.
You were watching Casablanca,
with Humphrey
Bogart, Ingrid Bergman.
- No, I watched it
with Harriet, actually.
(laughter)
- However you watch it,
the Late Show brings great
entertainment to the home.
- It certainly does.
- Yes, film classics
like Citizen Kane,
On the Waterfront...
- Girls from 814.
- Girls from 814?
I never saw that.
- It's not a movie.
You see, Harriet
and her roommate,
they told me to come
up and watch the show.
It was High Noon.
- That's a great picture.
- No, that's when
they got there.
It was... (laughter)
We better take a
look at our Late Show.
- Okay, I'll get the popcorn
and meet you in 814.
Hollywood adored us
Worshipped then ignored us
Fame and film had
quickly slipped away
But TV revived us And
our work survived us
Every night our
films are on display
Will our country's single girls
Started wearing golden curls
When they see me
on the Late Show
She's America's Sweetheart
Though it's from a different age
Will the tango be the rage
When I dance it on the Late Show
He's a regular gaucho
Everything on TV now
Is such a crashing bore
It's like Swanson said
They don't make faces
anymore Just money
It's suspenseful, it's terrif
When I'm hanging from a cliff
Will the public scream "Let go"
Oh no Every night
on the Late Late Show
I was on that purple plain
Long before you had John Wayne
I'm still ridin' on
that Late Show
Better giddyap, cowboy
Do the Charleston
Never quit Blaming
you, boy I had It
And it's showing
on the Late Show
The original flapper
I was anti-everything
My little chickadee
Now I find that kids
today Are imitating me
Those varmints I could
dim the bedroom lamp
Long before a vamp was camp
Let me turn your
light down low Oh!
Every night on
the Late Late Show
And it's a great
Late Late Late Late
Late Show (applause)
- Jack, do you like old movies?
- Love 'em.
Last night, I saw the Late
Show with Cary Grant.
- Oh, you're lucky.
I had to watch it
with my old man.
Blah, blah, blah!
(laughter)
- My husband and I
got so used to watching
the Late Show in bed,
the other night we
went to a movie theater
and we were thrown out for
lying in the aisle
in our pajamas.
(laughter)
- Folks, you can see some really
old movies on the Late Show.
Last night, I saw one
about Paul Revere,
made by himself.
(laughter)
- I watched a movie on
the Late Show last night
that was so old it was
produced by 19th Century Fox.
(laughter)
- I wish the Late
Show didn't end with
the Star Spangled Banner.
I feel so silly
standing up in bed.
(laughter)
- Talk about sex and
violence in movies,
you ought to watch
the Late Show.
There's so little sex,
it makes me violent.
(laughter)
- There's so many car
commercials on the Late Show.
I have to take my set in
every two months for a lube job.
(laughter)
- Wow! Wow!
- Tired of the city?
Now you, too, can beat
the heat in the summer,
beat the cold in the winter,
beat your feet on the
Mississippi mud and
beat your wife in private,
right here at beautiful
Lake Foonman.
For just $2 down,
only $2000 a week,
you can own your
very own half-acre plot.
These plots are such
great plots, you could plotz.
Call our number collect
if you are within
20 feet of our studio
and take advantage
of this special offer
before the tide comes in.
And don't miss tomorrow
night's film on the Late Show
as Channel Four
presents The Maltese Milk.
And now, here's a scene from
this exciting murder mystery.
- And so, therefore,
I know that you...
(gasping)
Drake Stanfield,
are the murderer.
- No, please.
- Kiss me.
(laughter)
- Kiss somebody.
(laughter)
- Just one of the exciting,
suspenseful scenes
you'll see in this whodunit.
(orchestral flourish)
(foghorn wailing)
- Hi there.
I'd like to tell you
about an exciting career
open to you in motel management.
If you're 70 years old, or
know someone who's graduated
high school or if you've
ever owned your own tie,
you're qualified for this
highly specialized position.
Things like sitting at the desk,
placing local calls, making
hundreds of ice cubes.
Just picture the exciting
thing you and your bride
could be doing around
your very own motel.
(laughter)
Putting paper bags around
sanitized water glasses.
Why, many years go,
when I was in my early 90s,
I was leading a
dull life as dictator
of a Central American republic.
One day, I said to myself,
"El Conquistador, why not
realize your boyhood dream?
"Become a motel manager."
But that was a
mere 50 years ago.
I'd like to talk more
about this but right now,
it's time for a movie,
a 1930 extravaganza
starring a young
Ronald Reagan entitled
Bozo Goes To College.
(laughter)
(foghorn wailing)
- Hi, I'm Dick.
- Hello there.
I'm Ruby.
- I love you.
- I know.
(crashing)
- We just hit an iceberg.
We may die.
- I know.
(laughter)
I'm drowning for love Darling
Say we'll never part
I've got tears in my eyes
And water in my heart
I'm drowning for love
Please let me explain
I've got you in my mind
And water on the brain
Drowning and dying
And choking, crying
What a lovely night for romance
There's lightning and thunder
The ship's going under
But first we've gotta dance
(jaunty orchestral music)
(laughter)
- Oh, gosh!
- [Announcer]
There's room for only
one more in the lifeboat.
- Oh, I'll never leave you!
Never, darling!
- That's good.
Ruby, I hate to do
this, but... (thudding)
Here comes your passenger!
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
(laughter)
(upbeat pop music)
- [Ruth] We'll be
right back with
our look at the Late Show.
- [Gary] Wouldn't you
rather watch television?
(laughter)
And now, back to our
salute to the Late Show.
(snoring)
(laughter)
(lush orchestral music)
- Listen, baby, the
star just broke her leg
so get in there and
sing your heart out.
- Oh!
Go to my head (laughter)
It's a big, wide,
wonderful world we live in
(laughter)
I get no kick from champagne
(laughter)
Stars fell on Alabama (laughter)
For I'm falling in
love... (laughter)
For April showers
may come your way
(laughter)
- Nice going, kid, but
they decided to bring in
a girl less accident-prone.
(laughter)
- Who?
- Who? Mia Farrow.
- Oh, class.
- Twins, you know.
- [Debbie] I read about it.
(laughter)
- You know, Sam, I
can't stop thinking of her.
Remember our song?
Play it again, Sam, and
Sam, do it the way she did it.
You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
- That's the way
she sounded, Sam.
Lousy.
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(laughter)
- Say, how would you
like to have these three
famous paintings hanging in
your home at absolutely no cost?
Well, now you can for just
$10 a month for 12 months
plus tax and handling charges.
They're yours!
Here's what you get:
The Blue Boy, also available
in green and off-white.
The Mona Lisa, with
famous smile or toothy grin,
also available in
profile and friends,
if you're not
completely satisfied,
tell you what we're gonna do.
Just return the
untouched painting within
30 days for a new paint job.
Act now!
For the first 500 callers,
we'll include at additional cost
10 pounds of bacon fat.
Now, back to our commercial.
(upbeat pop music)
- And now, fans, time to
visit those lovable lushes,
boozers extraordinaire,
The Swizzlers.
- [Louise] Charles,
my husband is
starting to get suspicious.
- [Charles] I
don't care, Louise.
Every man has the
right to live his own life.
- You tell her, Charles!
Live your own life!
- He's a homewrecker.
- Shame on you.
Watch Charles live his own life.
- [Louise] Charles, I
can't ask him for a divorce.
I've got the children
to think about.
(sobbing)
- She's got children and
that homewrecker is trying
to bust up her family.
(sobbing)
- [Charles] Louise,
let's discuss this over
a glass of champagne.
- I'll drink to that!
(laughter)
- Just like all men, he's
trying to get her drunk!
(laughter)
- [Louise] No, Charles, no.
Champagne is not the answer.
I'm afraid this is it.
I'm leaving you forever.
Goodbye, Charles.
(sobbing)
- Louise, you took the
words right out of my mouth.
Oh, Leonard, Leonard!
Who needs you, you homewrecker!
This is it!
I'm leaving you forever.
Goodbye, Leonard.
(sobbing)
(thudding)
(laughter)
- Hey, Doris, don't go yet.
They're gonna have the wine
commercial coming right up.
(laughter)
- You big lug.
You sure know how
to sweet-talk a lady.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Sometimes, the Late
Show runs into trouble
when it has a foreign film
where the dialogue might be
a little too earthy
for television.
But, that can be fixed
with subtitles, like this.
(exotic guitar music)
(laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
(laughter)
(laughter)
(applause)
- Well, that's our
look at the Late Show.
How'd you like it?
- Fine, especially that
part where Jimmy Cagney
comes in and he says,
"All right, you guys, let's
win one for the Gipper."
- No, that was Pat O'Brien.
- Oh.
"Let's win one for Pat O'Brien."
(laughter)
- No, Pat O'Brien said that line
when he played Knute Rockne.
It was a famous locker
room speech when he was
firing up the Notre
Dame football team.
He said, "Let's win
one for the Gipper."
You know who played the Gipper?
- Sure, the
unforgettable Lyle Talbot.
- Oh, no, much bigger than that.
- You're kidding.
Well, how could I ever forget
the unforgettable Rod Cameron?
(laughter)
- Wrong again.
Now, think.
He went on to become Governor.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
The unforgettable 10
tapping toes of Dan Dailey.
(laughter)
- No, I'm talking about
Governor Reagan.
- The unforgettable
Ralph Reagan!
- Ronald.
- Right, Ronald Coleman.
Who could ever
forget when he said,
"Frankly, my dear,
I'm gonna build a dam."
(laughter)
- That's
unforgettable, all right.
- As a matter of fact, I'm
gonna build one for the Gipper.
- Build one for the Gipper.
- I am.
(jaunty upbeat music)
(laughter)
- [Gary] In beautiful
downtown Burbank,
nearly everyone reads
The National Review.
(laughter)
- Hey, wasn't that
William F. Buckley?
- Yeah, that's right and
we're all very excited
because he's going to
be our guest in two weeks
in our year-end wrap-up.
- That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in two weeks,
Mr. William F. Buckley
will appear on this show
in his first singing
and dancing role...
- Now, wait.
Wait a minute now.
Bill Buckley's not
going to sing or dance.
- Oh, he's going to do his
impression of David Frye.
- He isn't, either.
(laughter)
- Well, whatever he's
gonna do, I'm gonna be here
even if it means
cancelling my trip.
- What trip?
- I was going moose fishing.
(laughter)
- Moose fishing?
That's ridiculous.
Now, do yourself a favor
and be here in two weeks
to watch Bill Buckley.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
- Oh, okay, but the moose is
going to be very disappointed.
He bought hip boots
and everything, you know.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new
little carefree car, Pinto.
(jaunty orchestral flourish)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- I just said, "Say
goodnight, Dick."
- But you didn't say,
"Say goodnight, Dick."
You just said, "Say,
goodnight, Dick."
Say, "Say goodnight, Dick."
(laughter)
- Okay.
Say "Say goodnight, Dick."
- Say "Say goodnight, Dick."
- I said it.
- Then I don't have
to say goodnight.
Goodnight, Dan.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Debbie.
- Debbie who?
- Debbie a hot time
in the old town tonight.
(laughter)
- Oh, Debbie.
They got to you already?
- Oh, anybody who thinks
that all men are created equal
should see Mickey Rooney
try on Wilt Chamberlain's pants.
(laughter)
- Any girl can look
beautiful at her wedding.
All she needs is
three ugly bridesmaids.
(laughter)
- Dick, I understand
that you're a great golfer.
- Ah.
- What's the least you've
ever gone a round in?
- Oh, an old t-shirt
and a pair of slippers.
(laughter)
- My uncle went all
the way to Ireland
to look for his great-grandparents,
but he didn't find 'em.
- Oh, no wonder.
They're probably dead by now.
(laughter)
- Okay, hold it down.
My sister was sick
and tired of keeping up
with the constantly
changing hemlines,
so you know what she did?
- What?
- She had an operation.
Now, her knees are
just below her ankles.
(laughter)
- You know, Jackie
Gleason... Oh!
(laughter)
- Alan?
- What is it, Barbara?
- What's the difference between
a regular fly and a horsefly?
- [Ann] That's housefly!
- Horsefly.
- A horsefly has a
much bigger zipper.
(laughter)
(jaunty orchestral music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
aboard Burbank Airlines'
holiday flight to Death Valley.
- Sir, I'm happy to
inform you that the airlines
is providing more and more
free services to our customers.
- Oh, how nice.
- Would you care for
some of our free coffee?
- Yes, I would.
That would be nice.
- Now, would you
care to purchase a cup?
- I'm not going to
purchase a cup.
- Whatever you say.
- Oh!
(laughter)
- Now, would you
like to rent a napkin?
(laughter)
- Very interesting, but
where is that Debbie,
the wife of the shoe
man, Harry Shoe?
What's her name?
Oh, yeah.
Debbie Shoes.
Oh, oh, oh, Debbie Shoes!
(giggling)
- Were you calling me, Wolfgang?
- No, I was calling
you Debbie Shoes.
(chuckling)
- I'm not Debbie Shoes.
It's Karl, or Reynolds.
- Okay, Karl Reynolds Shoes.
(laughter)
- He's Harry Karl.
I'm Debbie Reynolds.
I'm Debbie, he's Harry.
- He's hairy, huh?
Well, have him shaved
and send him to my bunker.
(laughing)
I'd like to talk to Harry about
getting a pair of boots at cost.
These keep pinching me.
- You'll have the same
problem with Harry.
I do.
(laughter)
- As an actress,
she's a shoe-in.
(laughter)
Anyway, Max Dillman, here's
another cowboy on Sunday nights
who wants to
shoot it out with you.
Horst Cartwright.
Watch out for him.
He's the fattest
gun in the West.
(laughter)
- Hey, watch next week
to see William F. Buckley.
Thank yas.
(single person clapping)
(NBC chimes)