Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 16 - Episode #4.16 - full transcript

- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- No, nope, nope, nope,
nope, hold that, hold it down.

- Oh, shh, dummy up, dummy up.
- What?

- Here he comes. (laughs)

- Hi, guys! Well, here I am!

For he's a jolly good
fellow, for he's a jolly good

- Wait, wait, wait,
hold on, wait a minute.

What's going on,
what's this all about?

- Well, Sammy, since
you're going to retire

from show business,
we thought we'd just give



you a little send-off.

- Sure.
- Retirement?

But wait a minute, you guys.

- Oh, no, no, no,
no, look what we got,

look what we got,
a little rocking chair.

- Your own rocking chair.
- Ol' rocking chair.

- Yes sir.
- You know.

And now that you're
in a rocking chair...

- You're officially
retired, Sammy.

- And as long as
he is officially retired,

he just can't, work, you
know, you just gotta sit there.

- Sit there and watch the
show, (mumbles) enjoy yourself.

- Yeah, just watch...
- Hold it, for one second.

- What's the matter?



You don't like the chair?

- I don't wanna just
watch, do you get the idea?

I don't wanna watch, the
whole idea of watching,

for me, after 40
years in this business,

just doesn't hit me.

- That doesn't, doesn't what?

- Hit me, hit me!

(loud bang)

That's not exactly what I meant.

Before I retire, you see,
well, let me put it this way.

Before I retire, I would
like one big splash!

- What?

- Big splash!

- Oh. (audience laughs)

- Now why don't
you guys cut that out?

'Cause I got
something to tell ya.

And I mean this from
the bottom of my heart.

I didn't come here to
be anybody's fall guy.

- [Both] What?

- Hold it, I didn't say it!

- Say what?

- Fall guy!

(slide whistle)

(crash)

- Well, now that Sammy is
officially out of retirement,

let's go on with the show.

- Yeah.

- Well, I'll say one thing.

You guys sure know how to
open this show with a bang.

I didn't mean it!

- Too late! (audience laughs)

(loud bang)

Boy, he sure is active
for a retired man!

- (laughs shrilly)
I'll say he's active!

Come on, you little beauty, you!

- And now, from somewhere
under beautiful downtown

Burbank, NBC, the Neanderthal
Broadcasting Company

desperately tries to ignore
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

With the ignored Dan Rowan.

And ignorable Dick Martin.

And special guest
star, the black, beautiful,

Jewish, and joyful,
Sammy Davis Junior!

And Arte Johnson.

With Ruth Buzzi.

Alan Sues.

Lily Tomlin.

And Dennis Allen.

Johnny Brown.

Ann Elder.

Nancy Phillips.

And the tin-tapping terpsichore
of tiny Barbara Sharma.

And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with an idea for those

of you going to a costume
ball, cover your body

with cotton, ride a broomstick,
and go as a giant Q-Tip.

Or forget the broomstick,
and go as a piece of lint

with a glandular
condition. (audience laughs)

- Hiya, mister.

- Oh, hello.

- What're you doin'?

- Uh, waiting for
the Greyhound bus.

- Oh, he's waitin' for the bus.

Okay, why don'tcha,
mister, you can take the bus.

- And leave the driver, to us!

(audience laughs)

(campy music)

(stretching)

(ding)

- Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all

waited for, you've been waiting
for it, haven't you, Homer?

(moans)

- Here is America's
favorite judge,

the right, honorable
Samuel Davis Junior.

(audience applauds)

You can testify but
you just can't win

'Cause I'm here to tell
you you guilty as sin

Here come the judge
here come the judge

Here come the judge

- Order in the courts,
the right, honorable

Samuel Davis Junior
presiding, do your thing.

- Your honor, I'm pleading
innocent to this burglary rap.

- Well, I think I gotcha,
'cause you forgot

about one important
visual defect in your case.

- What's a visual defect?

- Somebody saw
you doin' it. (bang)

- Man, that's cruel
and unnatural.

(audience laughs)

(scratch)

(scratch)

(audience laughs)

(bullet ricochet)

- Be sure to stay tuned next
week for our big headlines.

- Yes, the merriment and songs

of the singing parts, brothers.

Michael Burt, and baseball.

- Plus, the terpsichore of
Steve Butterfly McQueen.

- I'll really be
something to see.

Before we present
the amazing juggling

odd-istry of Raquel Welch.

Here's another great peer.

(mumbles)

- Three points.

- Dan and Dick.

(whistles)

- Well, Dirk, (laughs)
tonight's show should be

a lot of fun with Sammy here.

- Not only that, but
because we have, right here.

- A straw hat.

- Before your wondering eyes,

the greatest show
on Earth, the circus!

- The circus?

- Opening with a very
unusual act, Harold,

the world's foremost
pole dancer!

- Oh, he dances on a pole!

- No, not on one, with one!

- With one!

(audience laughs)

- Right in the
middle of the big top,

it's dull, it's different!

- It certainly is!

- And then, the death-defying
Demitry the Daring,

who will jump 100 feet
into a small Coke, no ice!

- Fantastic.
- Fantastic!

- 100 feet straight down.

- No, straight up!
- Straight up.

- First we bend him
over by Knuckles Numan,

the near-sighted knife thrower.

- (laughs) I see.

- Knuckles doesn't!

And when he misses,
and hits Demitry.

(whistles) Woo!

- Oh, Marvin, Marvin!

- And for the grand final.
- Yes.

- Finale. Finale.
- Finale.

- The aerial wizardy
of Giuseppe and Pietro.

- Oh, what an accent.

- (laughs) The one and
only flying Gagglioni.

- Wait a minute now, you
mean Gagglionis, pure plural.

- (laughs) Not anymore!
- Not anymore.

- You see, Pietro is the flier.

- Oh dear.
- Giuseppe is the catcher.

- Uh huh.

- Well, last night, forgot.
- Yes. Yes.

- Last night, Pietro
was doing a triple twist,

backward flip, blindfolded!

- Oh, I thought I was the
only one who could do that.

- No, and Giuseppe was
ready to make the catch.

- He was.
- When he spotted a friend

in the audience.
- He didn't.

- He did, and he
said "Hi out there!

"Whoops, there goes Pietro."

(audience laughs)

- A shame, sounds like
we missed quite an act.

- So did Giuseppe.

- Yes, well, is that it?
- Hm?

- I mean, what about
the great circus acts,

like girls riding, (laughs)
like girls riding horseback,

and trained elephants?

- You can't train an
elephant to ride horseback.

- No, that, (laughs)
that's not what I said!

- You couldn't get a saddle
big enough for one thing,

and their feet would keep
slippin' out of the stirrup.

- You oughta wear
one of those all the time,

that's not what I meant!

- And besides, no
horse would stand for it.

- Well, I'm not gonna
stand for any more silly jokes

and that ridiculous hat,
(laughs) anymore talk about,

it's time for the party.

- Oh, good, let's
go, will you buy me

some popcorn, and
some crackerjacks?

(groovy music)

- Have you heard about
the Ronald Reagan cocktail?

Two drinks and you
act like a governor.

Three drinks and you
govern like an actor.

(laughs)

Sorry, Frank.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I have an account
in one of the local banks,

the President, takes
care of all my business.

(audience laughs)

- As a psychology experiment,
I gave a heavy smoker

a cigarette lighter
shaped like a pistol,

then I gave him a pistol
shaped like a cigarette lighter.

Now, either he
quits smoking or he's

gonna blow his head off.

(audience laughs)

- I went to a party last night,
and met Cecil B. DeMille.

- Are you kidding?
Cecil B. DeMille

has been dead for years.

- That's a relief, I
thought he was drunk.

(audience laughs)

- I understand Martha Mitchell
is enlarging her apartment.

Rumor has it she feels two
heads are better than one.

(audience laughs)

(groovy music)

- Hey, Sammy, I know
this brother who has 15 kids.

- Now that's what I
really call a black activist.

- Right on.

(audience laughs)

- I understand if you're
an overnight success

in show business,
it could lead to a job.

(audience laughs)

- You know, as I was
saying yesterday, y'know?

- Mm-Hmm.

- As I ran 20 blocks to
catch this purse snatcher,

I didn't even get a thank you
from the guy he stole it from.

(audience laughs)

- Mister Junior, darlin'?

You know what my daddy says?

- No.

- He says that if the
blacks don't like it here,

why don't they go back from
where they were taken from?

- Oh, I know some brothers
on the corner with some

leather jackets and
some tams - Uh huh.

- that would love
to meet yo daddy.

- Oh, you are tacky!

(audience laughs)

(laughs)

- Oh, laughing and dancing lady!

- Oh, hard as a rock! (laughs)

- Listen, I understand
there's now a Mexican

version of Laugh-In.

- Oh, how is it?

- Well, uh, the only
problem is that when you

get hit with water,
wet is not all you get!

(laughs)

- Nice going, el suavo.

- The Mexicans are
gonna love ya for that.

They'll probably say it's
a good thing they don't

do a Laugh-In
version in Cleveland,

there when you get hit
with water you'd probably

get a concussion, from
the beer cans. (laughs)

(audience laughter)

- Sam?

- Yeah?

- Think you're gonna
be well represented

in Congress this year?

- Well, lemme give
you a hint, Dan.

The guy who represents
me is a tall white Protestant

with twenty-twenty
vision who can't dance,

can't sing, and I didn't
even vote for him.

(audience laughs)

(groovy music)

- Oh, Sammy, you
know what I'm so thrilled,

the thing is, remember
when, first of all,

I saw you when you
did that, when you were

the, uh, when you, when
you, master, you know,

you had the, the
thing is, you have,

so you're, first of all
you're so versatile,

you just do so many...
- That's right.

- You can dance, you
can sing, you're fantastic,

you've see a million
sell, it's, it's, you have,

you have so much, you're
just a person that just,

you have, and when
you, you exude, you know,

you have that so much
and, when you say,

you know, you say, hey,
you know, dig the, dig the,

and you do like this and
you make, and you say,

and right, and right
on, you know, Jim,

when you say right on,
and all that, it's so fan...

And you have Altovise,
she's so, she's, she's,

a fantastic, she's a
wonderful, just a beautiful

looking it's, and you
have, you just have,

you have, a life for a
thing that just comes,

it just comes out, it's
so, I'm, and on top of it,

being newly married,
I, I don't know how find,

find the energy.

(audience laughs)

Shh, oh I thought the
colored kid was taking a nap.

(audience laughs)

(campy music)

(engine)

(footsteps)

(engine)

(creaking)

(slam)

(audience laughs)

Now you can finger
pop you can even swing

But you goin' to jail
for doing your thing

Here come the judge
here come the judge

Here come the judge

- Alright, order in the court.

The right, honorable Samuel
Davis Junior presiding.

(bang)

- But judge if you
repossess my car,

you're cutting off
my source of income.

- You mean, you
use it in your work?

- No, I use it to get to
the unemployment office.

- You shouldn't have said that.

(bang) (audience laughs)

(blows)

- (laughs) Stop me if
you've heard this one.

- Okay.

- It seems there was an
Englishman, a Frenchman,

a Mexican and a
Texan on and airplane,

and suddenly the pilot yells...

- Stop, I've heard this.

- No, he yells "If we don't
lighten the plane, we'll crash."

See, so the Englishman
says "Long live the Queen!"

and jumps out, you see,
and the Frenchman says...

- Yes, yes, Dick,
I've heard this.

- No, that was the pilot,
the Frenchman says

"Viva la France!" and he jumps,

so the Texan says,
you're gonna love this,

the Texan says...

- "Remember the Alamo."
and shoved the Mexican out.

Dick, that's offensive.

- Well, it certainly is,
you should've told me

you already heard the joke.

- I mean, you've just offended
the English, the French,

the Mexicans, Texans,
probably all airline pilots

with one very old ethnic joke.

It's an example of tonight's
mod world topic ethnic humor.

- I always thought ethnic humor

was frozen ice cream on a stick.

(audience laughs)

- That's Good
Humor you ding dong.

- Oh.

- Ethnic humor's jokes
make fun of particular racial

or national group
like black people,

Jewish people, the Irish.

- Oh, that reminds
me of another one.

You see, there were
these two Irishmen in a bar,

and they were talking to
this little old Jewish tailor.

- C'mon, Dick, you're
not gonna let up, huh?

Why does it always have
to be two Irishmen in a bar?

One little old Jewish man.

A Chinese laundryman, an
Italian waiter, what is that?

- Wait a minute, you
left out the part about

the Mexican bullfighter dancing

with the Indian medicine man.

(audience laughs)

- You can't do that anymore.
- Mm?

- No, people are proud of
their cultural backgrounds

and they get very annoyed
at the ridicule which

is implied in old jokes
about ethnic stereotypes.

- Well, speaking of ethnic
stereotypes, there were

these two white,
anglo-saxon Protestants.

- C'mon, that's not even a
joke, there's nothing funny

about two white,
anglo-saxon Protestants.

- Funny, that's just
what the little old

Jewish tailor was
telling the two Irishmen.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, let's take a look at
the mod world of ethnic humor

and we'll hear it for ourselves.

(patriotic theme)

Don't call me Polish, Russian

Portuguese or Indonesian

Why can't I be just an American

Don't say I'm Buddhist, Baptist

Holy Roller, Roman Catholic

Why can't I be just an American

These heavy, ethnic
labels bug me a lot

Don't we know America's
that old melting pot

Don't call me Pinko, Fascist

Liberal or old right winger

Why can't I be just

A true, in God We Trust American

So many titles,
phases, handles and lists

All of us aboard to
death with isms and its

I'm not a junkie, sadist

Speed freak head,
or hippie hard head

Why can't I be just

A patriot or bust American

Like Martha Mitchell American

Like Ronald Reagan American

(audience applauds)

- Just think, we have
here, a new land where

all minorities can
live together in peace.

- Yeah, so let's get busy
and clear the Indians

outta here, whaddaya say?

- I don't like your attitude.

- Sam, do you think the
country's becoming more tolerant?

- Yes, Arte, I think it
is, it's come a long way.

But we're not there yet.

As a matter of fact,
do you know if I went

to Forest Lawn Cemetery
today, I couldn't get buried.

- Because you're not white?

- No, because I
ain't dead, dummy.

(audience laughs)

- Great sense of humor, Sam.

(audience laughs)

- My son, this is
it for your papa.

- Oh, no papa, is there
any last request that

you'd like to make?

- Only one.

The smell, from the kitchen.

- Yeah?

- I can tell your mama's
making apple strudels.

- Yeah?

- If there's one taste I want
on my tongue before I go,

it's your mama's apple strudel.

- I'm sorry, papa.

Mama said the strudel's
for after the funeral.

(audience laughs)

It's a show that
we're both Latin lovers

As each Mexican
chick soon discovers

When we dance on
our hats you can see boy

We're two Mexicans
lovers named Leroy

(claps)

(audience applauds)

- I know a man who
made fortune here,

he came over from Europe
with nothing in his pockets

and he spoke only
three words in English,

and those three words
were (laughs) stick 'em up!

(audience laughs)

- You know, it seems
funny that for years

the white people have been
teasing us about our hair.

And now we're
teasing it ourselves.

(audience laughs)

(funky music)

- Some of the greatest
humor of all time

was performed weekly on the
old Amos 'n Andy radio show.

- All America would
roar at lines like

"Miss Blue, buzz me" and...
- Wait a minute.

- "You mean to tell me
the diamonds is worthless?"

- Wait a minute.

- And "If all the women in
Texas is as ugly as Sapphire's

"mama, then the Lone Ranger
gon' be alone for a long time."

- Wait a minute!

- Amos 'n Andy, they
were so great, but if

they were on television
today, it just might be

that a lot of the edge
of that earthy, happy,

ethnic humor might be
changed, it just might be.

(phone buzzes)

- Yes, Miss Blue?

- [Voiceover]
Mr. Amos Jones is here.

- Well, by all means, show
sir Amos in immediately,

wouldn't you please, thank you.

Ah.

- Hey Andrew,
you're looking fit.

- Ah, Sir Amos, nice to
see you, sorry I missed

you at the club the other day.

- These things happen old boy.

- I know, but now, not to
get to business immediately,

but I would like to
bring up a few points.

For example, I'm very happy
to say that every investment

I've put you in
thus far has proven

that you're in the black.

- Now that's what I mean
when I say black is beautiful.

(clicking)

- Now what have we here?

Well, now.

My word, it seems another
few points to fatten up

the checker ledger.

- You're the broker, old boy.

- So, Amos, if I may, make
just one small suggestion.

I would like to diversify
some of your holdings.

- By all means,
you're the broker.

(clicking)

(groans)

- Andrew, what seems
to be the difficulty?

- Well, Amos, lemme
put it do you dis way,

I is still the broker, but
as of this here minute,

you is the brokee.

(audience laughs)

- You mean to tell me
that diamonds is worthless?

(audience laughs)

(groans)

- I wanted, so very much to
help members of minority groups

who are being
discriminated against.

I just couldn't find any
in my neighborhood.

(bullet ricochet)

- Well, kid, you want to get
into the show business, huh?

- That's right, Mr. Whitesman.

- Well, what do you
do, what do you do?

- Well, (mimics
clown) I'm a comic.

- Ah, you're Jewish.

- No, I'm not.

- You're not Jewish?

How you expect to be a comic?

Buddy Hackett ain't
a Catholic, you know.

Jerry Lewis, Jack
Benny, they're all Jewish.

What else do you do?

Broadway, river - I sing.

- Oh, you're Italian.

- No, no I'm not.

- All singers are
Italian, Frank Sinatra,

Dean Martin, Vick
Damone, do anything else?

(imitates jazz bass)

- My friends say I'm
a great jazz musician.

- Well, you're
obviously not black.

All musician are black.

What are you, anyway?

- I'm a white
anglo-saxon Protestant.

- Oh, well get 40
more like yourself,

we'll book you on a Sullivan
show as a marching band.

(audience laughs)

We'll put you on Laugh-In!

- We'll be back with
our look at ethnic humor

after this funny message.

- Recent surveys show
that the thinnest book

ever published was 300
years of German humor.

- The same survey came
up with this definition

of the wasp "Someone who
goes to a Kosher delicatessen

"and orders a hot cornbeef on
raisin bread with mayonnaise."

- That's a wasp.

- And a glass of milk.

- We now pause for
station identification.

- [Narrator] Hi there,
I'm the Penn Central.

(bullet ricochet)

(goofy music)

(thunder)

(thunder)

- Eh, my main man!

- But no Jim.

- Ain't nothin' happenin'.

You know it. (mouth noise)

You sure look fine, what
you been doin', baby?

- Hangin' in there,
baby, hangin' in there.

- Just tryin' to do your thing.

- Your world, just livin' in it.

- Go ahead, right on.

- Right on.

- Lemme tell you somethin'.

Did you hear the latest story?

I got one to lay on
ya, that will definitely

set you back two, three...
- Right on, baby.

- Let me lay it on you.

- Lay it on me, lay it on me.

- You gon' dig it.

- I'ma dig it.

- What does that flip sing?

Gotta tell you this one.

- Woo!

- Okay, here it is.

These two white cats, man...
- I can dig it.

- You gon' dig that, cat.

Walkin' down the street,
they meet each other,

- Right on.

- And one cat says
to the other white cat,

"I say, those brown
shoes of yours

"are certainly exciting."

(hums)

That's the kinda
stories they tell.

(audience laughs)

We're hip deep in blarty,
and licks of Killarney

'Cause Patrick and
Michael are Irishmen

With shamrock shillelaghs

O'Briens and Baileys

Yes, Patrick and
Michael are Irishmen

If you go out on
a Saturday night

Or if you see us
drinking and picking fight

As sure as Be-goh-ree
You love Loch Amore

And say what ya
like, but ol' Patty Mike

For Irishmen

(audience applauds)

(laughs)

- Ann, (laughs) what
do you call (laughs) what

do you call an Italian
with an IQ of 165?

- I dunno, what?

- (laughs) Jewish!

(audience laughs)

- But Ruth, Ruth,
aren't you Italian?

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- You know I heard
a great joke, it seems

that these two black
guys had an elephant...

- Hey, hold it, hold it,
why pick on my people?

- Okay, you tell one.

- Well, Patty Mike
had his buddies...

- Now hold on just a
minute I'm gettin' tired

of these Irish jokes,
don't pick on the Irish.

- Mama mia that's
a some spicy drink.

And I don't want to
hear another thing

about Luigi and Pascuali.
- Pascuali.

- Also I would take
it as a personal favor

between me and my
Rabbi if you wouldn't make

any jokes about my people.

- Got it, nobody for
to tell jokes about.

- Now, now, wait a
minute, wait a minute,

I know a story that
won't offend anybody.

Seems this little
pygmy Eskimo...

- Hey now, that's a
good idea already.

- Yes, well the pygmy
Eskimo went into

the bar, you see, and he said...

- You're darn right I did!

And I've had it right up to here

with stories about it!

(audience laughs)

- Mama mia! (crowd
drowns out sound)

- I think we've
done a lot to educate

our minority groups,
do you realize that

the Indians didn't even
know they were Indians

until Columbus told them?

(audience laughs)

- Sam, have you ever
run across an example

of Chinese humor?

- Well, yes, the time
the laundry starched

my jockey shorts. (laughs)

- Did you want me
to take a letter, sir?

- Yes, Miss Smith.

Sick and tired of all
these jokes that are going

around about the
people of my heritage

being stupid and not
knowin' what's going on.

I'll write a letter to the

President of the
United States about it.

Alright.

How d'you spell Roosevelt?

(audience laughs)

- Ah, nurse.

- Oh, yes sir.

- How's Mr. Goldstein doing?

- Oh, just fine, doctor.

- Good, good.

(chicken clucks)

(audience laughs)

- Henderson, where's
the rest of those two-bys?

Yeah, well get 'em over here!

- Excusing me, please,
could you for to telling me

way to crossing to library?

- Boy, you foreigners sure

have trouble speaking
English, don't you?

- Yes, is a big
problem, we have it

the same problem in
seven different languages.

Pig.

(audience laughs)

- I'm tired of Polish
jokes, even the telephone

company runs
poles into the ground.

(audience laughs)

- What happened, miss?

- I've just been
molested by an Eskimo.

(audience laughs)

We're getting weary

Worn out playing these games

And all of us are up to here

With labels and
names I'm not a bircher

Panther Neo-Nazi Yankee, Spic

Why can't I be just
A cradle unto dust

American Like William
Buckley American

Like President Agnew American

(audience applauds)

- Well, that was our
look at ethnic humor,

I hope we didn't offend anybody.

- Well, if we did it was
probably just a small minority.

- Hey, Sam, what did
you think of tonight's

salute to ethnic humor?

- Why ask me?

- Well, you are black.

- Not to mention the fact
that you're also Jewish.

- Well, that happens to be a
good idea in certain places.

- Saluting ethnic humor?

- No, not to mention
the fact that I'm Jewish.

- Aw, c'mon Sam.

How did you really
feel about, you know,

people are constantly poking fun

at each other's
ethnic background.

- Well, it all depends.

- [Both] On what?

- Whether you're the
poker or the pokee.

(audience laughs)

- Blacker, you may
have something there.

(jaunty music)

(pops)

(pops)

(pops)

(siren)

(clatters)

(squeaks)

This judge gonna
start a war on crime

And everybody, they
gon' get some time

Here come the judge
here come the judge

- Judge, I charges that
sneak with tamperin'

with my affection,
now what're you going

to do about it?

- I'm sendin' you to
the pokie for perjury.

Because nobody
could get affectionate

with a woman as ugly as you.

(bang)

(audience laughs)

- What're you
laughing at? (bang)

(audience laughs)

(bang)

(audience laughs)

- Let's go dancin', mama.

(audience drowns out sound)

- Oh, that Mr. Junior sure knows

how to sweet talk
a girl, doesn't he?

- Tell me, Sammy, you
recently got married,

how'd you first meet your wife?

- Well, I was doing
Golden Boy and Altovise

came in to audition,
I took one look at her,

and that was it.

- Oh, (laughs) you might
say she caught your eye.

- Yeah.

- (laughs) That's
funny. (blows raspberry)

(audience laughs)

- I'm never coming
back here again.

(audience laughs)

(kazoo music)

(slide whistle)

(siren)

(squeaks)

(siren)

(squeaks)

If your lawyer's sleepin',
better give 'em a nudge

Everybody look alive
'cause here come the judge

Here come the judge,
here come the judge

- Order in the court,
the right and honorable

Samuel Davis Junior presiding.

(bang)

- I find you guilty of
sneaking up behind

the late Mr. Walters and
stabbing him in the back.

- But, uh, c'mere,
c'mere, c'mere.

If I hadn't, see,
he would've caught

you with his wife, get it?

- Oh.

Due to extenuating
circumstances,

I reduce the charge
to followin' too closely

Thirty days, suspended sentence.

You are free to leave the
courtroom, any time you want.

- Bless you.

- And that's what
you get! (bang)

- Ow!

You really do like me, though.

You're mean, but
you like me, right?

(bang)

(audience laughs)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the fight of the century.

Between the challenger,
Jolton Junior Davis

and the champeen,
Tiny Irish Bob Murphy.

Now, ladies and
gentlemen, entering ring,

the challenger
Jolton Junior Davis.

(audience applauds)

And now, entering
the ring, the champeen,

Tiny Irish Bob Murphy.

(audience laughs)

(gloves smacking)

- Don't go away.

Who's he?

- That's the champ.

Tiny Irish Bob Murphy.

- But he ain't tiny, and I have

a sneaking suspicion
he ain't even Irish!

When Irish eyes
are smiling (laughs)

- You old son of a gun! (laughs)

You're the champ!

He's Irish, but he ain't tiny.

He definitely ain't tiny.

- Go in there, ah, ref
wants to talk to you.

- What?

- Champ, let me
check that glove.

(audience laughs)

Son, give me a hand, will you?
- Sure.

(audience laughs)

- That's a good glove.

C'mon, c'mon', c'mon, c'mon,
boys this is a 15 round fight.

And uh...
- Don't bet on that.

I have a dinner
date in 10 minutes,

and I'll be showered,
shaved and dressed

and five minutes early.

(moans)

- You got 'em now
- Now you got 'em

- What do you mean, I got him?

- Aw, you got him.

- And there will be no
hitting below the belt!

- That don't leave
me much space.

- Ha, that gon' be
your problem, not mine!

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) And if
there's a knockdown,

you go to the
nearest neutral corner.

Alright?

- That's where I'm
going, right now.

(audience laughs)

- Where you going?

- To the nearest neutral
corner, which happens

to be, for me, 125th Street
and 8th Avenue, later!

You got him, fight him whitey!

(audience laughs)

- Come on, get in there!

Get him in a clinch,
we'll think of something.

- Don't worry about a thing,
he's scared to death of you.

- Get him in a clinch and...
- We'll think of something.

Don't worry.

- Look, look, look,
I'll tell you what,

why don't you
get him in a clinch,

because I already thought
of somethin' I told him before.

I'm gon' leave!

- Come on!

- He'll kill me!

- Get in there!
- C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Alright, fight.

(bell rings)

- [Coach] Alright, get 'em.

Get 'em there, Jolton!

Hit 'em in the mid-section!

- You got him now!

You got him, Junior!

- Hit 'em in the mid-section!

- That's it, hit 'em from the
(coach drowns out sound)

- [Coach] Now you got him!

Get 'em on the ropes!

- That was a good one, Junior!

Oh, you got him now!

- [Coach] One more like that!

Get 'em, baby!

- One more.

You got him!

- [Coach] There you go!

(bang)

- One!

- Come on!

- Two!

(mumbles)

- There's only one hope left.

Try and make friends with him.

- That's it!
- What?

- [Both] Make friends!

- Make friends with him?

- Make a friend of 'em.

- You can do it.

(audience laughs)

- Hi there, sailor!

New in town?

(bang)

(audience laughs)

- Hey!
- One! Two!

- It's no use, we better
throw in the towel.

- Yeah, I think you're right.
- No, wait, wait, wait.

- What? What?

- I think I got one thing that
can take him by surprise.

One last thing.

He's rough.

- Psst, psst.

Come over here.

Come over here, brother.

(whispering sounds)

- One! Two!

- Jolton, Jolton,
how did you do it?

- What did you
whisper in his ear?

- I just told him
that George Wallace

was gonna buy the
house next door to his.

- And that flattened him?

- Wouldn't it flatten you?

- Nice work, little fella!

- Well, it's time once
again for the quickies.

- Before we do that, I'd
like to have my dentist

take a look at this tooth,
it's been bothering me.

- Wait a minute, we
can't hold up the show

while you run
over to your dentist,

you should've done that before.

- Look at it.

He can look at it now,
he watches the show.

Dr. Hickson, it's this
one right here in front.

- Dummy, a dentist
can't examine somebody's

teeth over television.

- Oh yeah?

(phone rings)

- Hello? Yeah.

It's for you.

- Ah.

Hello, Dr. Hickson?

Yeah, you see this
tooth right here?

Okay.

- What'd he say?

- He told me to
keep my mouth shut,

he wants to watch the quickies.

- Here's what the
doctor ordered.

- You lovely little thing.

I just can't resist you.

Oh my, I'm sorry Mrs. Johnson,
oh, I thought you were Dale.

- Oh, that's okay, Ted.

People often mistake me
for my teenage daughter.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

(chews gum loudly)

- You know somethin'?

I'm a little boy lost, and I've

been walking the
streets for days.

- Oh, I know how you feel, kid.

(audience laughs)

- Here, Spot.

Come on, Spot!

Here, Spot!

Some bright and shining light

That taught me wrong from right

(audience laughs)

(slide whistle)

- Is this your first?

- Yes.

We've been married
for eight years,

we've been trying to
have a baby, we've never

had any luck at
all until my wife

took fertility pills.

- Mr. Silvercloud,
you're a father.

(gasps)

- What did she have, huh?

One little, two little,
three little Indians

Four little, five
little, six little Indians

Seven little, eight
little, nine little Indians

Ten little Indians,
eleven little, twelve

- So (mumbles) in the
race, and when the mask...

(whistles)

You're from Alabama, aren't you?

- How'd you know?

(loud spring)

- Thus revolveth
aroundeth the sun.

- You quakers
really know your oats.

(bang)

- Help! Help!

Help, help, I've just
been hit by a car.

- Oh, don't worry,
don't worry, I'll take you

to a hospital!

- Oh no, no, I'm a
Christian scientist.

- I'll take you to
a reading room.

- Nothing like quickies.

Is that tooth still
bothering you?

- No, my tooth's
alright, but now there's

something wrong with finger.

- What's a matter
with your finger?

- Well, every time I put it
in my mouth, I can't talk.

- Well, why don't you
take it outta your mouth?

- You know something,
you should've been a doctor.

- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, together again,

for the first time, directly
from in front of behind

the Iron Curtain, the
Rose-meen-ko twins.

(audience applauds)

(James Bond style music)

(singing in foreign language)

(audience laughs)

(speaking in foreign language)

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

(siren)

(squeaks)

(kazoo music)

(siren)

(door crashes)

Yeah yeah, I said huh

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Watch the news, yeah

Oh yeah We've got the news, yeah

He's got the news,
yeah Tell me about it

It's in the news, yeah

Well I watched the
news across the nation

Watched the news, yeah

Don't you know we got
a whole lotta information

Watch the news

Hope it will amuse you, we
know it might confuse you

Give you all our
news and (screams)

(screams over lyrics)

(singing over each other)

- [Narrator] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

the Laugh-In news with
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,

and James Hopper in Leavenworth.

Dean Martin in Sing Sing.

Julia Child's is stern,

American Indians in Alcatraz,

and Alexander
Portmaw in solitary.

Now, here are Dan and Dick.

- North Vietnam was arrested
today for disturbing the peace.

(audience laughs)

- High time.

Following the trend of
the other major studios

to give equal
representation to blacks,

Walt Disney productions
today began filming

Coal Black and
the Seven Pygmies.

(audience laughs)

- Long Island, New York, the
body of a woman was found

tied to the tracks of the
Penn Central railroad today.

The cause of death
was listed as old age.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, kinda think
about it, don't ya?

- [Dick] Yeah.

- Hollywood, the
excitement in tinsel town

was started today
when, in the outer lobby

of the famous Grauman
Chinese Theater

when Kate Smith
stumbled while kneeling

to put her hand
prints in the concrete.

Fortunately, Kate was unharmed,

but it did take 12 men to
scrape the cement off Kate.

(audience laughs)

- For the second time,
Sophia Loren was robbed

of her valuables, fortunately
none of her jewelry was taken.

(audience laughs)

- Here, sports fans,
is our own Big Al.

- Hi, Big Al here.

(bell jingles)

Oh, I love that bell.

Well, tonight's sports
score, Joe Namath, 7,

Trina, Caroline, Marie,
Barbara, Lenora, Judy and Jolie.

Ta-ta! (popping)

- Washington, 1980,
10 years from now.

The healthy young lady
at the push-button panel

which activates our
intercontinental ballistic missiles

expressed sympathy for the
Women's Liberation movement

today by removing
her bra while on the job.

And accidentally
launched missiles

at Russia and
China, simultaneously.

(audience laughs)

(screaming)

(singing over each other)

(audience applauds)

(slide whistle)

(bang)

- You know what?

- What?

- Once, what I
did, is I ate a box

of Kleenex and six caterpillars.

They tasted furry.

- That ain't nothin'.

When I had my wagon,
I ate nine pounds

of lizards and a coat.

- Oh yeah?

Well, once I ate a
hamster sandwich

and for dessert I had a
whole jar of cold cream.

- You think that's somethin'?

That ain't nothin'.

I filled a bathtub once
with 170 cans of coke,

split-pea soup and marshmallows.

And I laid in the
bottom of it, too,

just like that (blows
raspberry) just like that.

Face down, without
moving, even for a year.

- [Voiceover] Yoo-hoo,
Edith Ann, time for dinner!

- What're we havin', mama?

- [Voiceover] Liver!

(wretches)

- Liver, I hate liver,
and that's the truth.

(audience laughs)

- This is your off-stage
announcer, on-stage

to remind you that the 43rd
annual Academy Awards

will be seen exclusively on
NBC this Thursday evening

at 10 Eastern, nine Central,
and seven Pacific time,

P.M. and F.M., thank you.

- Well, Sammy, it's
time to say goodnight.

And it certainly was
great having you here.

- Yeah, baby.

Hey, I can only tell you
guys, I mean, what you did

to me in the opening of
the show and all the fun

with the ethnic
humor was marvelous.

- Ah, you got a great
sense of humor, Sam.

We just wanted you to
go out with a big splash.

- A what?

- A big splash!

(water splashes)

(group laughs)

- Oh, that's great
Sammy, let me tell you,

any time you want,
you can drop in.

- Do what?

- Drop in!

(slide whistle)

- Say goodnight, Dan.

(grumbles)

- Say goodnight, Dick.

- Goodnight, Dick!

- Goodnight, everybody.

And let me just tell
you this, I've had a ball.

(balls thud)

I said it before, but
this time I mean it.

I ain't never comin'
back here no more,

even if I find my way.

(blows raspberry)

(audience laughs)

(ball thuds)

- Alright, you dirty rats,
who's got the kid's wagon?

- I know a guy who bought a
waterbed and an electric blanket

and woke up the next
morning fricasseed!

- Hey Dick!
- [Dick] Yup!

- You know, last year I
won an Easter egg hunt,

and I shot five eggs!

- Stop it, there's no such
thing a tooth fairy, Lily.

- Oh, well you
probably haven't never

seen my dentist walk.

- You know something?

A lot of talk has been
about what do I mean

when I go peace, and love, baby.

The guys says the
two don't make sense.

So I said it's very
simple, I want peace,

and if I don't get that,
I'm gonna punch you

in your mouth.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Dennis, what do
you think we should do

about apathy among the voters?

- Who cares?

(speaking in a foreign language)

(saxophone)

- Dan, am I next?

- No, you're not, Allen.

- Do you believe
it's alright for

two married people to make love?

- Oh, well of course.

- Good, because I've been
fooling around with your husband.

(screams)

- Sam, do you think it's a shame

the way we treated the Indians?

- What do you
mean we, pale face?

- Dan, you know I just
pasted Richard Nixon's picture

on my Spiro Agnew watch.

- How'd it work out?

- Well, I don't know because
one hand doesn't know

what the other one's doing.

- I wonder where my wagon is.

- Annie, honey, you
there, oh there you are.

- Yes? Here I am.

- I've been meaning to ask you.

- Uh huh.

- Did you kill any moths
with your moth balls?

- No, my aim is terrible!

(crashes)

(thuds)

(whistles)

(pops)

(slide whistle)

(clangs)

(judge theme)

(audience laughs)

Now you can carry a
bucket, you can carry a grudge

But you can't carry on,
'cause here come the judge

Here come the judge,
here come the judge

- Order in the court,
the right, honorable

Samuel Davis Junior presiding.

(gavel bangs)

- Well, daughter, you
is accused of carousing,

loud singing, indecent
dancing, how do you plead?

- Innocent, I was celebrating
'cause I lost 150 pounds.

Woo!

- You did?

- Yeah, my husband left me!

Come on, honey!

(audience laughs)

- You got the judge,
you got the judge!

- This program was
pre-recorded at an earlier time,

we wanted to pre-record
it at a later time,

but we were afraid
there wouldn't be any.

- Very interesting,
but too long.

Should be short, and sweet.

- Short and sweet,
you called me?

- (laughs) My replacement
from the black forest. (laughs)

I remember, weren't
you out there with

those other cat peoples?

- I just left a gang of
wolves, and let me tell

you this, nothing is
worse than a wolf gang!

(laughs)

- That's so funny.

That's what my freundin,
Gislo always says.

Maybe you met her,
after the war she was living

in a building
completely bombed out.

- I think I met her
before the war,

and she was still
completely bombed out.

- You're a very
funny fella, you know,

you gotta lotta teeth.

You know that? (laughs)

You oughta really
be in show business.

- I don't want this to
come as a shock to you,

but I am in show business.

- Then what're you doing
here, go to the bunker.

- I keep telling you, I am not
the bunker, I am the bunkee!

You are the bunker!

(bang)

(audience laughs)

- Definitely officer material.

Yo-yo, anyway,
goodnight Max Stillman,

tell Doc that Miss
Kitty is a litterbug.

It's definitely a case
of kitty litter. (laughs)

- Wolfgang.

- Tell me.

- I have a present
for you, from Lucy.

- I love presents.

- You like presents?

- I love presents!

(bang)

- That one wasn't one
of my favorite ones.

- Well, they come, they go.

Goodnight Lucy, he
really got a bang out of it.

- President Agnew, we love you,

you've brought our country fame.

We also love your handsome
friend, Richard what's-his-name.

(audience laughs)

(judge theme)

It's not that the
judge's job is through

But this wig of mine
is messin' up my 'do.

There goes the judge,
there goes the judge

There goes the judge,
there goes the judge

(NBC jingle)