Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 11 - Episode #4.11 - full transcript
(pleasant flute and harp music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow microphones (tapping)...
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
- Folks, I'll give you an
idea of what my family thinks
of my cooking.
Last year, they all chipped in,
bought me an oven that flushes.
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
You know, I wore
a bra nine years
before I realized I
had it on backwards.
(audience laughter)
(laughing)
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Welcome, welcome to
Broadway open house.
- How do you like that?
A sitting ovation.
(laughing)
Listen, ladies and gentlemen,
(drum roll playing)
- tonight at 8:30 -
television history
- will be made when
- Lucy and Desi will appear
- at the same time -
on television playing
- opposite each other.
(applause and whistling)
- What are you
guys talking about?
- Nothin' but the facts, Des.
- You're on television
tonight at 8:30, right?
- That's true.
- That's right.
Lucy's on TV
tonight at 8:30, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, and you're
opposite each other, right?
- Uh huh, uh huh.
(audience laughter)
- Well, there you are.
(speaking in foreign language)
- You wouldn't know how to
spell that, would you, Yo-Yo?
(audience laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Very interesting, but
they better watch out,
'cause that redhead
has a real temper.
- Golly, gosh, I didn't Desi
was married to Red Skelton.
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
birth control center
and maternity hospital,
NBC, the National... Blah, blah.
- Company, in compliance
with a court order,
helplessly presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the engaging Dan Rowan,
and the disengaged Dick Martin.
Guest starring Desi Arnaz,
with Arte Johnson,
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancie Phillips,
and continuing her efforts
to stamp out tap dancing,
Barbara Sharma.
And tonight, we will
meet portions of Glen Ash.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this reminder about
personal cleanliness.
Will somebody remind
me to buy some soap?
- Doocy, you're my kind of guy.
- It's Desi, not Doocy.
- Desi, Doocy, what
difference does it make?
Any friend of Lucy's
is a friend of mine.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, remember folks,
this combination deodorant
and birth-control pill
really takes the worry
out of being close.
(audience laughter)
(jaunty music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(1920s jazzy music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
- (sobbing) Oh, I wish I
could go to the prince's ball.
- Ahhhhhh!
Don't cry, Cinderella.
I'm your fairy godmother.
- Oh, fairy godmother,
does this mean
that I can go the ball?
- No, but I can get you two
tickets for Boys in the Band.
(sobbing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we're happy to welcome
back to Laugh-In one
of our old favorites,
our Scandinavian
storyteller, who will now tell-
- Hey, wait a minute.
You know, I think
Desi would enjoy this.
Hey, Des?
(yelling in foreign language)
- Desi, as a great
storyteller yourself,
we want you to meet our
Scandinavian storyteller.
Ladies and
gentlemen, here he is.
(applause)
(speaking in imitation
of foreign language)
- And the other guy says...
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(applause)
- Golly gosh, I could
hear that one again.
- True or false?
Tom Mix was not a
Western movie hero.
Tom Mix is a turkey dressing.
(drum rim shot)
- Speaking of reincarnation,
the Eskimos believe
if you lead an evil life,
when you die, you'll
go to Palm Springs.
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] Optical illusion.
Stare intently
for a full minute.
The lines will
appear to be crossed.
- We're here today to talk
to the world's leading expert
on cooking with liquor.
You are Julius Child?
- Oh, no, no (laughing),
we're just good friends.
- Oh, well, I notice here
that you've got in this bowl
three quarts of vodka,
two fifths of scotch,
one bottle of wine, and
three gallons of beer.
What are you making?
- Cheese dip.
(audience laughter)
Why don't you have a little?
- My name is Edith Ann.
You know what?
They could take a germ, and
they could put a germ in a box,
and then they could take a box,
and they could
drop it on a person,
and it could eat your guts out.
It's real sickening,
but it's interesting.
Germ welfare, it
says on television.
And that's the truth.
(blowing tongue raspberry)
(drunken singing)
(jaunty, jazzy music)
(gurgling)
- Excuse me.
(gurgling)
Mmm, good.
You supposed to dunk pickles?
- Yeah.
- That's a good name
for the kid, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Glen Ash, I just loved you
on The Tim Conway Show.
- No, I've never been on
The Tim Conway Show.
- Well, I guess
that explains it.
(audience laughter)
- I gotta get this ear fixed.
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle descending)
- Oh, Mr. Arnaz, you just
have had a fabulous career.
I mean, you've been
a fabulous producer
and a fabulous director,
and a fabulous performer,
and now, you're on Laugh-In.
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
(audience laughter)
(cheering and tongue rolling)
What's the news
Ricky ticky ticky
Across the nation and everywhere
What's the news
Chicky chicky chicky
In the papers and on the air
Shake the blues
Sicky sicky sicky
Kick that gloom in the derriere
Mambo's playing
and bodies swaying
Cha-cha's saying their Babalu
Zsa Zsa playing,
but we're a laying
'Cause we been
paying our la la di dues
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Ricky ticky ticky News
Chicky chicky chicky News
Here's Dan and Dick
Chicky chicky chicky
- [Gary] It's time now for
the 6:00 pm AM and FM news
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Mae West in vain,
Don Rickles insulting,
Dean Martin intoxicated,
the Queen Mary in tow,
and Alexander Portnoy.
- And good evening.
This is Dan Rowan in
Pueblo, Colorado, on vacation,
filling in for Dick Martin
who is not here tonight.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Hobbs, New Mexico,
who is not here tonight,
filling in for Dan Rowan,
who is on vacation,
and here is the news.
(audience laughter)
- Dateline Los Angeles.
Christine Jorgensen
is still upset
because Vice President
Agnew used her name
in a derogatory manner.
Miss Jorgensen is
reported to have said,
"It's hard to believe
that at one time,
"both of us were gentlemen."
(audience laughter)
- Dateline Los Angeles.
The convention of radical
and yippie leaders being held
at the Shrine Auditorium
was disrupted when a group
of Disneyland characters
led by Donald Duck,
Mickey Mouse, and
Tinkerbell broke in
and began shouting clean words.
(audience laughter)
- Well, that could sure
break up a meet in a hurry.
Dateline New Jersey.
In an unusual story from
Passaic, housewife Erma Tunk,
you remember her,
reported finding a dead giant
in her washing machine.
Autopsy reports the giant died
from an overdose
of Salvo Tablets.
- That could have
been worse, I guess.
- [Dan] I don't know how.
- I don't know how either.
Moving right along,
police were called
to Sunny Bottom Nudist
Camp to investigate a rash
of pick-, oh, it's a
rash of pick-pocketing,
is what it was.
While the police
have had no luck
in locating the pickpocket,
they did observe several rashes.
(audience laughter)
- More news later, but
first, this important message.
(doorbell ringing)
- Avon calling.
- Stratford answering.
That's what we call
Stratford on Avon.
(audience laughter)
(drum beating)
(cymbals clicking)
I love you Like I love the sea
I love you (screaming
and chattering)
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
- [Woman On Phone]
Hello, is Desi there?
- This is Desi.
- [Woman On Phone]
Not you, Junior!
- You do not have
to get nasty about it.
(upbeat music)
(meter clicking)
(bass drum pounding)
(slide whistle descending)
(audience laughter)
(kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
- Ahh, fairy godmother time!
- (Sobbing) Fairy godmother,
prince is giving a party,
and the only people
who can go are the people
who have rich
jewels and a fur stole.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll wave my magic wand.
(laughing) Don't wait up for me,
and clean the place
up a little, will ya?
Oh, Mr. Mice,
I'm ready to travel.
(audience laughter)
- Oh mother, here's a vase.
- Oh, good!
- Here, Harry, hold this.
- Oh, Janie, I
found another one.
This one's nice.
(slide whistle descending)
- Oh, it sure is.
- Here, Harry, hold this.
(slide whistle ascending)
Oh, Janie, look!
These flowers will
look nice in the vase.
- Oh, here are the
rest of the flowers.
(slide whistle descending)
- What?
(slide whistle ascending)
I think they'll need some water.
- Mm-Hmm.
(slide whistle descending)
Thank you, dear.
Now, Janie, which
vase do you think
(slide whistle ascending)
we should put on the table?
- Well, I like this one.
- I do too.
I'll put the other one away.
(crashing)
(audience laughter)
- You know, last night
I ate at this great little
hot dog place run
by some musicians.
- Oh yeah?
Sounds good, let's go tonight.
- I can't, they tore it down.
- [Both] It was only a
one-night stand, yeah.
- Let's go to the party, Dick.
- Oh!
('60s dance music)
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
You little Latin lovely!
A chick-ee-boom, chick-ee-boom,
chick-ee-boom-boom-boom!
(laughing)
Oh, buenos Chihuahua!
Tell me, is it true
that the Cubans
are an oppressed
minority everywhere?
- Everywhere but in Cuba.
There, they are an
oppressed majority.
- Oh, somewhat like the
liberals in Washington.
('60s dance music)
- You know, some of the
department stores are saving money
on holiday promotions.
- Oh?
- Yeah, in one store I saw a
turkey in a Santa Claus suit
singing Happy Hanukkah.
- Ah?
- Hanukkah.
('60s dance music)
- You know, Johnny,
men have no moral values.
I just found out my boyfriend
has been fooling around
with his secretary.
I'm so furious, I feel
like telling his wife.
(laughing)
('60s dance music)
- I had a patient with a big
split personality problem.
He thought he was Osmond
Brothers, but I showed him.
I cured him.
I bought him a dress,
and now he's a big success
as the Lennon Sisters.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Texas is famous for
its politicians, natural gas,
and cattle byproducts.
Course, there is
some overlappin'.
('60s dance music)
- You know, I just
got back from Mexico,
and I discovered
that I'm beginning
to forget my Spanish.
Now, what's worse,
my English is not
getting any better either.
I figure in a couple years,
I won't be able to talk at all.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- And now a word from the
American Medical Association.
- Fore!
(audience laughter)
- You know, David,
here in America,
we're undergoing
a sexual revolution.
- Well, that sounds
like a lot more fun
than the last one you had.
- (laughing) Listen,
I know a place
where we can both
go and surrender.
(audience laughter)
- Earlier, we promised
you more news.
I'm sorry to report we're
going to keep that promise.
- Let's go to Nancy Bickerson
in Raleigh, North Carolina.
- The cigarette industry has
developed a new cigarette
made from chemically
treated sweat socks.
They assure us there is
no danger of lung damage,
but there is a
possibility of athlete's lip.
(audience laughter)
(muted trumpet playing)
- Hi, friends.
Busy Buzzi buzzing
around Tinseltown.
Item: Paul Newman and
his wife, Joanne Woodward,
have abandoned
plans to manufacture
their own cinnamon-flavored
toothpaste,
so if you see any
of it around town,
remember, Paul Newman
and his wife aren't making it.
(laughing)
Bye from Buzzi.
Kissy, kissy.
(laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel" playing)
- Desi, weren't you involved
with The Untouchables?
- Oh, yes, I was, Nancie.
I was the executive producer.
- Ah, you were the executive
producer of The Untouchables?
Wow.
How would you like to be
involved with a touchable?
- Uh, well, I would like to
get involved with a touchable
in every conceivable way,
with the possible exclusion
of standing up in a canoe
while attempting to navigate
the Colorado River rapids,
and I'm not really too sure
that I wouldn't like that.
- Ooh, Babalu!
('60s dance music)
- Now for all of you kiddies
out there in television land,
here's a little Italian
mouse, Annette Funicello.
- Hey, Dan, how
do you foon a cello?
- Well, you get an old
foon and a new cello,
and add a quart of snoo.
(audience laughter)
- What's new?
- Nothing much.
Today, I made a Venetian blind.
- How do you make
a Venetian blind?
- Well, have Annette
Funicello put a Greek urn
over his head.
- What's a Greek urn?
- Oh, about a-Oh, hold it.
I wouldn't touch that
with a 10-foot pole.
- What's a 10-foot pole?
- Wilt the Stilt Chambronosky
in high-heel sneakers.
There's a lot of bets around
here that I couldn't say that.
(drum roll)
- Oh, that Annette Funicello.
(tap dancing)
- Let's see, now.
I wonder to whom I should
give a little ringy dingy?
Oh.
(rotary phone dialing)
- Well, Dan-o, what's
the Mod World for tonight?
- Tonight we're doing
the Mod World of Brevity.
- Great!
(gasping)
- Well, what did
you think of it?
- I thought it dragged a little.
(audience laughter)
- Remember, friends,
this is National Earth Week.
So take a clod to dinner.
(tap dancing)
- Effete, don't fail me now.
(tap dancing)
- Okay, quiet, quiet on the set.
Randy Pharr party
sequence, take 12.
Okay, cue the gorilla.
- Wow, hey, is that
that new foreign car
you advertised for $1,900?
- $1,900, yes, sir.
And you know, that little
beauty has power steering,
radio, heater,
automatic transmission,
and white sidewalls.
- Oh, boy!
- I can let you
have it for $2,600.
- Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want all
that other stuff.
I just want to pay
$1,900 as advertised.
That'll be it, mm-hmm.
- Wait a minute.
Un momento, por favor.
Chief, we got a problem here.
I got a real knot on my hands.
He wants to buy a $1,900
automobile for $1,900.
- You gotta be kiddin'.
- Yeah, no, no, he just
wants to pay $1,900.
- Who is he, some
kind of a freak?
Send him over to me,
I'll take care of him.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Right this way, sir.
- Hi there.
- Hello.
- Good to see ya.
- Thank you.
- Say, I think I can make
you the deal you want.
$1,900 car, that's the
one you want right there?
- Yeah, that's-
- Just sign it.
- Well, thank you.
- Cost you just
a little bit extra.
- Hey, he doesn't
give that kind of a deal
to everybody, you know.
- That'll be $4,200.
- $4,200!
- Isn't that a deal?
- Now, sir, how would
you like an engine
in that little beauty?
- It doesn't have an engine?
- I think if you need-
- Like, you see, on
account of the smog.
- The smog?
Oh, there's no engine
because of the smog?
- Well, we're trying to
help the pollution problem.
- Oh, oh.
- You like seat covers?
- It doesn't have seat covers?
- What are you
gonna put them on?
- There's no seats?
- Well...
- Now, you know,
we could get it for you.
- Make you a great
deal on one seat.
(audience laughter)
(typewriter keys
striking and bell ringing)
- We'll be right
back after this word.
- Foon!
- And now, this
important message.
A foggy day in London town
- And now, back to
the comedy highlight
of tonight's program.
(whistle blowing)
(sobbing)
- I'm your fairy godmother.
- Fairy godmother, can
you tell me how I can go
to the prince's ball?
- No, but I can drum up a
little magic for you in San Diego.
(sobbing)
- Captain McDonald, could
you please come here?
- What is it, Miss Littlefield?
I don't have time to come back.
I'm very busy up front.
What's the problem?
- He has a gun.
- Oh, who has a gun?
- He who.
- This, this fella here.
Hi there.
- That is right.
And I want you to fly this
plane direct to Dallas, Texas.
- That's where we're going.
This is a direct
flight to Dallas.
- Oh yeah?
The last two times
we ended up in Cuba.
Now I want to make
sure that this time
you go right to Dallas.
Fly, gringo, and no fake!
- Alright, now.
Who can tell me what kind
of tracks those are over there?
- I can.
Union Pacific.
- Move the tents.
(train whistle blowing)
Put your hand down.
You look like a
Statue of Liberty.
I'm gonna get this
bunch straightened out,
if it's the last thing I do.
(jazzy music)
- Mr. President, would
you say that foreign aid
is taking money from poor
people in a rich country
and giving it to rich
people in a poor country?
- You know, uh, with the
community property laws
in California, Sonny,
you're the only one
who can get a divorce
and still keep his Cher.
(audience laughter)
- Miss Diller, I heard that
you have your own personal
auto mechanic and your
own personal hairdresser,
and that he's really great.
(laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(sinister music)
(audience laughter)
(trumpet flourish)
(upbeat music)
- [Gary] Optical illusion:
The inside circle is really
bigger than the outside one.
- Spanish people in
America refer to the FCC
as the F-no-no.
(crashing)
- Now, can we have
a big hand out there
for those sweethearts of
song, Guy and Martha Mitchell?
(women cheering and chattering)
- Mr. Desi Arnaz, do you
know how to speak Spanish?
- Uh, yes, I do, Barbara.
- Well, how do you say
buenas noches in Spanish?
- Goodnight.
- Oh, well now
try it in English.
- Goodnight.
- Gee, Doocy, your
English is almost as good
as your Spanish.
(audience laughter)
- Serves me right for getting
involved with another redhead.
- Oh, fairy godmother,
the prince is giving a party,
and I can't go because
of my ragged clothes.
Isn't there some magic
you can do for me?
- Of course there's some
magic I can do for you!
Pick a card, any card.
(sobbing)
You're awfully short.
(piano playing)
You'll admire the chimpanzee
See, he looks like you and me
Swings all day in
the pawpaw tree
Which hangs him up romantically
(applause)
Hee (audience laughter)
- Dick?
- Hmm?
- What are you
doing in that outfit?
- Well, I felt a little
silly hunting in a tuxedo.
- You've been hunting?
- That's funny, so was I.
I'm surprised I
didn't run into you.
Where'd you go?
- I didn't go hunting.
- Well, then don't bother
to change out of the tux.
Unless you're
gonna hunt penguins.
- Yeah, I'll be careful.
Hey, I'm curious, though.
I didn't know that you were
a hunter, for heaven's sake.
What kind of gun you use?
- Well, you know, it's got
a wooden part at the back
and then a long
iron thing up in front.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, do you
hunt with a .22 or-
- Uh no, but I've been
bowling with an 18-year-old.
(audience laughter)
- Ba-Rum-Bum.
Let's get back to hunting.
You know, that
can really be a thrill.
- Yeah, a thrill.
- Up at the crack of dawn.
- Up at the crack of dawn.
- Man against the elements.
- Man against the elements.
- Just you and your gun.
- And Audrey.
(audience laughter)
- And Audrey?
- Yeah, you don't think
I'm going through all that
without my survival kit, do ya?
(laughing)
- Hunting's a man's sport.
Now what possible use could
Audrey be to you in the woods?
(growling laugh)
Hold it right there.
- Not only that, but she helps
me skin the moose, ya know.
- Oh, you shot a moose?
- You're supposed
to shoot them first?
No wonder Audrey
had so much trouble.
- That could be
a little trouble.
I don't think I want
to hear about it.
- I tell ya one thing,
that's about the last time
ol' Audrey's gonna go
hunting with me, though.
- Oh really, why?
- Well, she gets so
worn out, you know.
All the way home, she
kept falling off the fender.
- What was Audrey
doing on the fender?
- [Both] Holding on.
- But you hold on for a second
while we go back to the party.
- Okay, hang in there, Audrey.
('60s dance music)
(whistle blowing)
- [Dick] Jump ball!
(whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(swoosh)
- So, last month, my
motorcycle was stolen,
and my house burned
down, and my frog died.
Then yesterday,
my old lady left me.
Well, at last, things are
starting to go my way.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Buenas noches.
My 10-year-old niece
is very advanced.
She was asked to resign
from her Brownie troop
when she demonstrated
for women's liberation
by burning her T-shirt.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- You know, Columbus
didn't have it so bad.
At least he had boats.
Now, if he had been black,
Queen Isabella would
have sent him over by bus.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- The way things are
going, it looks like the war
in Southeast Asia
will soon be all over.
- Hmm.
- All over Cambodia, all over
Laos, and all over Thailand.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Uh, she's sound asleep.
(audience laughter)
It's getting harder and
harder to recruit men
for the police force.
I mean, most guys figure
if they're gonna, you know,
put in the long hours
under hazardous conditions
for low pay, they might
as well be schoolteachers.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- My big chance for a comeback,
and they take me off the film.
They should have fired
my leading man instead.
After all, he was the
one who fell asleep
during my love scene.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- People say every
producer has a casting couch,
and that the only way to
get a good part is to audition.
- Well, so what?
- Now, that's ridiculous.
Have you ever tried to
tap dance on a davenport?
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- You know, we Texans
have great pride in the history
of our state.
The other day, we arrested a guy
just 'cause he forgot the Alamo.
('60s dance music)
(audience laughter)
- You know, today's
songs are nothing
but a big, meaningless
gibberish, you know?
- What's the word again?
- Whatever
happened to songs like
Etty-coti-co-ti,
etty-coti-co-tah
Etty-coti-coti-coti-coti-co-tah
(gasping)
- Oh, that is heavy,
you little Cuban cutie!
Let me wrap you
up in my fur piece.
Oh, Lucy!
Desi's back, and I've got him.
We're gonna ride
the fox and hound.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Hey, Glen, what's wrong?
- Oh man, I just came back
from one of those
topless nightclubs.
- Well, why do you
have your eyes closed?
- 'Cause I just went three
hours without blinking.
(audience laughter)
- Mmm.
- Hi, oh, welcome to Speak Out.
On my extreme right,
representing the far left,
is Max Weatherman,
militant Marxist.
- Good evening.
Imperialist pig!
- Oh boy.
And on my extreme left,
representing the far right,
is Robert Birch,
commander of the Brigade
for a Pure America.
- Thank you.
Commie pervert!
- Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, oh.
And in the center, representing
the middle of the road,
Mary May Jones, schoolteacher
and part-time mechanic.
- Good evening.
A couple of extremist weirdos.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, oh, hmm.
And now, for our question.
Now, let me admonish you
about self-control and restraint
at all times, no violence, okay?
Now, the question
is, do you think
America can go on the way it is?
Come on, come on.
- Yeah, yeah, I think she
can go on the way she is,
I think so.
- [Moderator] Yeah, hmm.
- I think so too.
- Hmm, I'll have to
go along with them.
(audience laughter)
- Well, I see, uh, if
you want to mix it up.
- No, that's about it.
- Uh huh, we have 15
minutes left, if you, you know,
we, uh, have at it.
- They've got 15 minutes left.
- Okay.
Heart of my heart
How I love that melody
- Come on, come on, get
up, fight, come on, come on.
Come on, come on in.
- No, it goes, it starts
with "heart of my,"-
- Wait, I know how it goes.
- So class, we learn
from this study of ecology
that all of these
extinct species died out,
including the person who
spelled that incorrectly,
because they
lacked the intelligence
to cope with their environment.
The human species,
however, has brains.
Thus, we can dominate
our environment
and save ourselves from dying
out by the use of our brains.
Thank you very much
for listening to me.
(audience laughter)
(coughing)
(upbeat, playful music)
(bowling ball rolling)
(bowling pins falling down)
(audience laughter)
(car horn beeping)
(car running)
(silly music)
(phone buzzer buzzing)
(upbeat, silly music)
(drum beating)
- What's that
you're playing, Desi?
- Bluebird of Happiness.
- Oh, that's impossible.
I've never heard anyone
play the Bluebird of Happiness
on the conga drum before.
- Then how do you
know this isn't it?
(audience laughter)
- You know what?
You're not gonna believe
this, but you know what
that sounds exactly like?
- What?
- Ricky ticky
ticky ticky, ricky!
- Well, your mother (groaning)!
('60s dance music)
- Come along with us,
folks, while we take a look-
- Vroom, vroom, vroom!
- Well, you dingbat, what
are you doing in that getup?
- Well, I happen to be on my
way to my skydiving lesson.
- Your skydiving?
Where's your parachute?
- Well, I never use a parachute.
They slow me down too much.
- (laughing) Well, they're
supposed to slow you down.
- Look, I want to get it over
with as soon as possible.
I hate skydiving.
(audience laughter)
- Well, if you hate skydiving,
why are you doing it?
- It's a hobby.
- I've heard about
enough of that nonsense.
- I gotta go to my lesson
now, but I'll be right back.
I'll make it a quickie.
- Yeah, well,
speaking of quickies,
I think I see a few coming now.
Here they are.
(cheering)
(boing)
- Daddy, let's play horsey.
Let's, let's, let's play horsey.
- Alright.
- Play horsey with
me, okay, Dad?
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay, Daddy.
- Come on, jump up there.
- Okay, Old Broadback.
- Ready, here we go.
- Go, Broadback, hi ya, ah.
(cracking)
- Oh! Get off!
- What's wrong, Daddy?
- Oh, my leg, I
think I broke it!
Ah!
(gun firing)
- Gonna miss the
big fella around here.
Mommy, you want to play horsey?
(audience laughter)
- Alright, you guys.
Tonight, I'm gonna show
ya how to play a little football.
(harmonica playing)
(audience laughter)
- I propose that we
conduct a national lottery
to raise funds to help
stamp out gambling.
(cheering)
(booming)
(upbeat, ragtime music)
- Golly, Robinson Crusoe
was the long quickie, golly!
To dream the impossible dream
(audience laughter)
(whistling and cheering)
(bell tinkling)
(upbeat music)
- Hi, honey.
- Oh hello, honey.
How was your day?
- Well, the welfare
department had a budget cut,
and they're letting some
of us social workers go,
so I'm afraid I'm out of a job.
- Oh good, now we
can go on welfare.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I never thought of that.
- Harry, oh you wouldn't
believe the day I've had today.
The kids have been
driving me crazy,
the vacuum cleaner broke,
I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm really delirious!
(can top pops off)
(audience laughter)
- Hi, this is your
girl on the go,
talking to our man on the scene.
- And this is your
man on the scene,
talking to the girl on the go.
How are you?
- I'm very well, how are you?
- Oh fine, thank you.
It's good to see you.
- Thank you very much.
Good to see you.
Good looking jacket.
Where did you buy that?
- This came from the drugstore.
Now, tell me just one thing.
What is your
personal life really like?
- That's all we
have time for now.
Back to our studios.
- Good talking to you.
- Thank you,
good talking to you.
(whistling and cheering)
(dishes crashing)
- Lovely lady.
I am so hungry.
I haven't had anything
to eat in three days.
Could I have a dollar?
- Oh, certainly, my good man.
(crunching)
(audience laughter)
- Mmm, that's good.
Not as spicy as the peso, but...
(audience laughter)
(playful music)
- What's a lousy
joint like you doing
in a nice kid like that?
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Irving, it's beautiful!
Oh!
(crunching)
- The minute I saw
it, I knew it was you.
(audience laughter)
(cheering and whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(upbeat music)
(groaning)
- Boy, I had it with planes.
- Well, I told you.
You can't go skydiving without
a parachute and not get hurt.
- I never got to the skydiving.
- Well, what happened to you?
- I was attacked
by a stewardess.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
A stewardess never
attacked anybody.
- She would if you
attacked her first.
(audience laughter)
- Wolfgang, you say you can't
understand my English, right?
- Hmm.
- Well, I tell you something.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Oh, I understand all that.
It's about your
pronuncimination.
- I got good pronunciation.
- That's pronounced
pronuncimination.
- Pronuncimination?
- That's it, pronuncimination.
Now pronounce
pronunciminimation.
- Pronuncimination.
- That's fastastic.
- Fastastic?
- Yes, see there?
One lesson and already your
pronuncimination is fastastic.
(audience laughter)
- The Inca Indians
believed that the words
paranguadi quantanamica
faro brought wealth and respect,
and it did, because
paranguadi quantanamica faro
is Incan for "I have gun, give
me all your money, please."
(audience laughter)
(sobbing)
- Hi, why are you
crying, Cinderella?
- I wasn't invited
to the prince's ball.
Everyone of
importance is to be there,
and all the invitations
have been sent out already.
- They are?
- Yes!
- And I wasn't invited?
(sobbing)
Could I have fairy breath?
(audience laughter)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle descending)
(fanfare music)
- Oh, Mr. Arnaz, I
must complement you
on being most tasteful
during the show.
- Oh, thank you very much.
But I suggest you plug your
ears now, because I'm going
to say the dirtiest
four-letter word I know.
- Oh my!
- Smug.
(audience laughter)
- I do hope it was
said tastefully.
(audience laughter)
- If you love Lily Tomlin
and are an avid fan,
move closer to your television
so you can see her avid better.
(fanfare music)
(whistle blowing)
I love you Like I love
the sea I love you
Like I love an eye-cur-ee
As much as the stars at night
- [Women] Ricky tiki
tiki tiki tiki (tongue rolling)
- Desi, you and Lucy
were together for so long.
Tell me, do you miss
working with her?
- Very much so, particularly
at this very moment.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
(playful ragtime music)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(boing)
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
Turn your head sideways,
and the horizontal
line will appear vertical.
(audience laughter)
- Remember girls, only
you can prevent men.
- I understand you had
five children by Fang.
- Oh no, we had
them the regular way.
(audience laughter)
- Got 'em at the market, huh?
(laughing)
- So girls, I found happiness
with the little things in life:
a little money, a little
home in the country,
and a little lovin'.
(audience laughter)
- Meanwhile, back
in our newsroom,
this important
story has come in.
- Recently, the military
high command announced
that the withdrawal is
proceeding on schedule,
and now, with an instant
analysis of that situation
is Eric Clarified.
Come in, Eric.
Not in here, you ding-dong.
Over there.
No, over...
Eric Clarified.
(throat clearing)
- In discussing withdrawal,
now the key word is withdraw.
Now withdrawing
is an act of recalling.
Now, to recall is
an obvious move,
especially when you have
dialed a wrong number.
Now, in cases
involving long distance,
it is best to notify the
operator immediately
to avoid being
charged for the call.
Thank you, back to
you, Dick and Jane.
(audience laughter)
- And now, for an instant
analysis of Eric Clarified,
here is Chet Humpley.
- I think the man's a
babbling nincompoop.
- [Gary] And now,
a couple of words
for our
Spanish-speaking friends.
- Ricardo Montalban.
(audience laughter)
- And now, for this
biting comment.
- I haven't had a bite in days.
(crunching)
Oh, rapa, papa (cackling)
- Oh, they're gonna
come and get you.
Oh yeah.
- I hope so.
(laughing)
(slide whistle descending
slowly into a thud)
- And now, for the
night's stock market report.
Today, the Dow
Jones averages closed-
- Mr. Golden, Mr. Golden,
the hospital just called.
Your wife just gave
birth to a baby boy,
eight pounds six ounces.
- When it gets to 10
and a quarter, sell.
(audience laughter)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- News!
- [Women] Ricky tiki tiki!
News
Get off of me!
Go on to sing another, already!
- Oh, Lucy, how did you put up
with this Cuban
booga-boober-boober-boober?
Boogaroo, whatever
that noise is he makes.
(creaking)
(kazoo music)
(creaking)
(audience laughter)
- Mr. Frost, you know,
for a person what has been
in this country as
long as you have,
you have the worst
accent I ever heard it.
You speak like a foreigner.
(audience laughter)
(sobbing)
- Oh, fairy godmother, I
can't go to the prince's ball.
Just look at the
way I'm dressed.
- Don't cry, Cinderella.
I'll touch you with
my magic wand.
(tinkling)
(laughing)
Well, look at it this way.
Maybe it'll be a costume party.
(sobbing)
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
- Well, Desi, that about
wraps it up for tonight.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Okay, but first,
I want to ask Desi
a very important question.
- What's that, Dick?
- Well, for years you've been
babaluing all over the place,
and I'd just like to know,
for my own information,
what does babalu mean?
- Yeah?
- Well, you know,
it's a catchphrase.
- Catchphrase.
- Oh?
- You know, it's a
primitive cry of the male.
- Ah!
- To his, uh...
- Boo, boo, boo.
- Soulful.
- Soulful.
- Whole career
destroyed in one phrase.
(audience laughter)
- To catch, you know.
It's just a
catchphrase, you know.
- Oh.
- I'll show you.
Babalu
- Oh, you called!
(audience laughter)
- The only trouble, you never
know what you're gonna catch.
(audience laughter)
- Come with me,
you little cucaracha.
(audience laughter)
- Boy, they make a
lovely couple, don't they?
- They certainly do.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
Babalu (upbeat music)
- Yoo-hoo, Desi?
- Yeah?
- I understand you race horses.
- Well, I used to,
but I gave it up.
I got tired of them beating me.
(laughing)
- You know, I
can't understand it.
I auditioned for Porgy and Bess,
and the producer told me
I was too light for the part.
I put on 20 pounds, and
he still turned me down.
(audience laughter)
(laughing)
- Oh, Dick.
- Oh, you're quite good.
- I lied about that.
- Why are you a masochist?
- Beats me.
- Burbank just pulled down the
funds for a new superhighway.
The money instead
will be allocated
to a new super bowling alley.
- Why do the new
kids already got a joke,
and I'm down in this pit?
I don't understand.
I'm very neat about my
person, I do a lot of things,
I don't understand
why I have to do that.
Can I not have a
joke of my very own?
- Oh now, come on, hush.
Now, let's let him talk.
Here he is, America, Tom Dan!
- Tom Dan.
Yes, now did you
hear about the hippie,
got drafted in the Army, said,
"Hair today, gone tomorrow."
- [Alan] Well, that
might be a joke to you,
but I think it's lousy.
- Oh, that's very good, Dan.
- Thank you,
Alan didn't like it.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
- Oh, good to see you again.
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
(audience laughter)
- Oh my gosh, my
uncle was just stolen!
- Why would anyone
want to steal your uncle?
- Well, he's got one eye,
a handlebar mustache,
somebody must have
thought he was a motorcycle.
(audience laughter)
- Desi, Desi, where are you?
- Yeah?
- Desi, were you
really born in Cuba?
- Well, not really.
I was born in Palm Beach.
My bassinet was hijacked.
- Oh!
- Come on, I want a joke of my-
my mother's watching this show!
- I went to a nude group
therapy sensitivity session,
but I was in a hurry, so
it was just touch and go.
(laughing)
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
- Sure, abortions
are legal in California.
Trouble is, to cut
through all the red tape,
it takes 10 models.
Count 'em, 10.
- Hey, listen, let me
tell you something.
If nudity is indecent exposure,
what is decent exposure?
- Oh!
Oh, in this light, about F8.
- You know, it's the kids'
fault the movies are today
filled with nothing
but sex, sex, sex.
- How do you know all that?
- 'Cause I've seen 'em all.
- You've seen all those kids?
- No, all those movies.
Va-va-voom!
(audience laughter)
- This is your
Uncle Jilly, oh yeah.
Hell, you's, try to
be a better person.
Whoo, whoo!
(kazoo music)
(splashing)
(crashing)
(sirens blaring)
- Goodnight, Baba.
- [Female Voice] Goodnight, Lu.
(audience laughter)
- Very interesting, but
did you ever in your life
hear such a funny talker
as that Dizzy Arnaz?
(laughing)
- Listen, Wolfgang.
You're not the only silver fox
tongue around here, you know.
- Oh, well that's
easy for you to say.
(laughing)
It's the cuckoo Cuban
with the coconut accent.
Tell me, Doosnip.
- Eh?
- The Doosnip.
- Doosnip?
- Doosnip, it's as
good as name as any.
Doosnip.
- It's Desi, Desi.
It's a very simple name.
Any fool can say it.
- Any fool can say what?
- Desi.
(laughing)
- Fooled you, Disney.
You know, go to my bunker
and warm up the burritos.
(laughing)
(tapping)
Uh oh, as if I didn't
have enough trouble
with the Crisco kid,
here comes that crazy
tipper-tapper tuper girl.
I'm going to the bunker
and eat the burrito.
- Goodnight, America,
and goodnight Mr. Agnew.
Wherever you are,
whatever you do,
all America will listen to you.
Show them, America, Agnew.
- I'm sorry, Lucy,
but it's a living.
(drumming)
(cymbal crashing
and slow clapping)
(NBC theme tones)
(gun firing)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow microphones (tapping)...
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
- Folks, I'll give you an
idea of what my family thinks
of my cooking.
Last year, they all chipped in,
bought me an oven that flushes.
(audience laughter)
(screaming)
You know, I wore
a bra nine years
before I realized I
had it on backwards.
(audience laughter)
(laughing)
(screaming)
(laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Welcome, welcome to
Broadway open house.
- How do you like that?
A sitting ovation.
(laughing)
Listen, ladies and gentlemen,
(drum roll playing)
- tonight at 8:30 -
television history
- will be made when
- Lucy and Desi will appear
- at the same time -
on television playing
- opposite each other.
(applause and whistling)
- What are you
guys talking about?
- Nothin' but the facts, Des.
- You're on television
tonight at 8:30, right?
- That's true.
- That's right.
Lucy's on TV
tonight at 8:30, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, and you're
opposite each other, right?
- Uh huh, uh huh.
(audience laughter)
- Well, there you are.
(speaking in foreign language)
- You wouldn't know how to
spell that, would you, Yo-Yo?
(audience laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Very interesting, but
they better watch out,
'cause that redhead
has a real temper.
- Golly, gosh, I didn't Desi
was married to Red Skelton.
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
birth control center
and maternity hospital,
NBC, the National... Blah, blah.
- Company, in compliance
with a court order,
helplessly presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring the engaging Dan Rowan,
and the disengaged Dick Martin.
Guest starring Desi Arnaz,
with Arte Johnson,
and Ruth Buzzi,
Alan Sues, and Lily Tomlin,
plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancie Phillips,
and continuing her efforts
to stamp out tap dancing,
Barbara Sharma.
And tonight, we will
meet portions of Glen Ash.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
with this reminder about
personal cleanliness.
Will somebody remind
me to buy some soap?
- Doocy, you're my kind of guy.
- It's Desi, not Doocy.
- Desi, Doocy, what
difference does it make?
Any friend of Lucy's
is a friend of mine.
(audience laughter)
- Hey, remember folks,
this combination deodorant
and birth-control pill
really takes the worry
out of being close.
(audience laughter)
(jaunty music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(1920s jazzy music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle ascending)
- (sobbing) Oh, I wish I
could go to the prince's ball.
- Ahhhhhh!
Don't cry, Cinderella.
I'm your fairy godmother.
- Oh, fairy godmother,
does this mean
that I can go the ball?
- No, but I can get you two
tickets for Boys in the Band.
(sobbing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we're happy to welcome
back to Laugh-In one
of our old favorites,
our Scandinavian
storyteller, who will now tell-
- Hey, wait a minute.
You know, I think
Desi would enjoy this.
Hey, Des?
(yelling in foreign language)
- Desi, as a great
storyteller yourself,
we want you to meet our
Scandinavian storyteller.
Ladies and
gentlemen, here he is.
(applause)
(speaking in imitation
of foreign language)
- And the other guy says...
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(applause)
- Golly gosh, I could
hear that one again.
- True or false?
Tom Mix was not a
Western movie hero.
Tom Mix is a turkey dressing.
(drum rim shot)
- Speaking of reincarnation,
the Eskimos believe
if you lead an evil life,
when you die, you'll
go to Palm Springs.
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] Optical illusion.
Stare intently
for a full minute.
The lines will
appear to be crossed.
- We're here today to talk
to the world's leading expert
on cooking with liquor.
You are Julius Child?
- Oh, no, no (laughing),
we're just good friends.
- Oh, well, I notice here
that you've got in this bowl
three quarts of vodka,
two fifths of scotch,
one bottle of wine, and
three gallons of beer.
What are you making?
- Cheese dip.
(audience laughter)
Why don't you have a little?
- My name is Edith Ann.
You know what?
They could take a germ, and
they could put a germ in a box,
and then they could take a box,
and they could
drop it on a person,
and it could eat your guts out.
It's real sickening,
but it's interesting.
Germ welfare, it
says on television.
And that's the truth.
(blowing tongue raspberry)
(drunken singing)
(jaunty, jazzy music)
(gurgling)
- Excuse me.
(gurgling)
Mmm, good.
You supposed to dunk pickles?
- Yeah.
- That's a good name
for the kid, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Glen Ash, I just loved you
on The Tim Conway Show.
- No, I've never been on
The Tim Conway Show.
- Well, I guess
that explains it.
(audience laughter)
- I gotta get this ear fixed.
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle ascending)
(slide whistle descending)
- Oh, Mr. Arnaz, you just
have had a fabulous career.
I mean, you've been
a fabulous producer
and a fabulous director,
and a fabulous performer,
and now, you're on Laugh-In.
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
(audience laughter)
(cheering and tongue rolling)
What's the news
Ricky ticky ticky
Across the nation and everywhere
What's the news
Chicky chicky chicky
In the papers and on the air
Shake the blues
Sicky sicky sicky
Kick that gloom in the derriere
Mambo's playing
and bodies swaying
Cha-cha's saying their Babalu
Zsa Zsa playing,
but we're a laying
'Cause we been
paying our la la di dues
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Ricky ticky ticky News
Chicky chicky chicky News
Here's Dan and Dick
Chicky chicky chicky
- [Gary] It's time now for
the 6:00 pm AM and FM news
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin,
and Mae West in vain,
Don Rickles insulting,
Dean Martin intoxicated,
the Queen Mary in tow,
and Alexander Portnoy.
- And good evening.
This is Dan Rowan in
Pueblo, Colorado, on vacation,
filling in for Dick Martin
who is not here tonight.
- And this is Dick Martin
in Hobbs, New Mexico,
who is not here tonight,
filling in for Dan Rowan,
who is on vacation,
and here is the news.
(audience laughter)
- Dateline Los Angeles.
Christine Jorgensen
is still upset
because Vice President
Agnew used her name
in a derogatory manner.
Miss Jorgensen is
reported to have said,
"It's hard to believe
that at one time,
"both of us were gentlemen."
(audience laughter)
- Dateline Los Angeles.
The convention of radical
and yippie leaders being held
at the Shrine Auditorium
was disrupted when a group
of Disneyland characters
led by Donald Duck,
Mickey Mouse, and
Tinkerbell broke in
and began shouting clean words.
(audience laughter)
- Well, that could sure
break up a meet in a hurry.
Dateline New Jersey.
In an unusual story from
Passaic, housewife Erma Tunk,
you remember her,
reported finding a dead giant
in her washing machine.
Autopsy reports the giant died
from an overdose
of Salvo Tablets.
- That could have
been worse, I guess.
- [Dan] I don't know how.
- I don't know how either.
Moving right along,
police were called
to Sunny Bottom Nudist
Camp to investigate a rash
of pick-, oh, it's a
rash of pick-pocketing,
is what it was.
While the police
have had no luck
in locating the pickpocket,
they did observe several rashes.
(audience laughter)
- More news later, but
first, this important message.
(doorbell ringing)
- Avon calling.
- Stratford answering.
That's what we call
Stratford on Avon.
(audience laughter)
(drum beating)
(cymbals clicking)
I love you Like I love the sea
I love you (screaming
and chattering)
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
- [Woman On Phone]
Hello, is Desi there?
- This is Desi.
- [Woman On Phone]
Not you, Junior!
- You do not have
to get nasty about it.
(upbeat music)
(meter clicking)
(bass drum pounding)
(slide whistle descending)
(audience laughter)
(kazoo music)
(audience laughter)
- Ahh, fairy godmother time!
- (Sobbing) Fairy godmother,
prince is giving a party,
and the only people
who can go are the people
who have rich
jewels and a fur stole.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
I'll wave my magic wand.
(laughing) Don't wait up for me,
and clean the place
up a little, will ya?
Oh, Mr. Mice,
I'm ready to travel.
(audience laughter)
- Oh mother, here's a vase.
- Oh, good!
- Here, Harry, hold this.
- Oh, Janie, I
found another one.
This one's nice.
(slide whistle descending)
- Oh, it sure is.
- Here, Harry, hold this.
(slide whistle ascending)
Oh, Janie, look!
These flowers will
look nice in the vase.
- Oh, here are the
rest of the flowers.
(slide whistle descending)
- What?
(slide whistle ascending)
I think they'll need some water.
- Mm-Hmm.
(slide whistle descending)
Thank you, dear.
Now, Janie, which
vase do you think
(slide whistle ascending)
we should put on the table?
- Well, I like this one.
- I do too.
I'll put the other one away.
(crashing)
(audience laughter)
- You know, last night
I ate at this great little
hot dog place run
by some musicians.
- Oh yeah?
Sounds good, let's go tonight.
- I can't, they tore it down.
- [Both] It was only a
one-night stand, yeah.
- Let's go to the party, Dick.
- Oh!
('60s dance music)
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
You little Latin lovely!
A chick-ee-boom, chick-ee-boom,
chick-ee-boom-boom-boom!
(laughing)
Oh, buenos Chihuahua!
Tell me, is it true
that the Cubans
are an oppressed
minority everywhere?
- Everywhere but in Cuba.
There, they are an
oppressed majority.
- Oh, somewhat like the
liberals in Washington.
('60s dance music)
- You know, some of the
department stores are saving money
on holiday promotions.
- Oh?
- Yeah, in one store I saw a
turkey in a Santa Claus suit
singing Happy Hanukkah.
- Ah?
- Hanukkah.
('60s dance music)
- You know, Johnny,
men have no moral values.
I just found out my boyfriend
has been fooling around
with his secretary.
I'm so furious, I feel
like telling his wife.
(laughing)
('60s dance music)
- I had a patient with a big
split personality problem.
He thought he was Osmond
Brothers, but I showed him.
I cured him.
I bought him a dress,
and now he's a big success
as the Lennon Sisters.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Texas is famous for
its politicians, natural gas,
and cattle byproducts.
Course, there is
some overlappin'.
('60s dance music)
- You know, I just
got back from Mexico,
and I discovered
that I'm beginning
to forget my Spanish.
Now, what's worse,
my English is not
getting any better either.
I figure in a couple years,
I won't be able to talk at all.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- And now a word from the
American Medical Association.
- Fore!
(audience laughter)
- You know, David,
here in America,
we're undergoing
a sexual revolution.
- Well, that sounds
like a lot more fun
than the last one you had.
- (laughing) Listen,
I know a place
where we can both
go and surrender.
(audience laughter)
- Earlier, we promised
you more news.
I'm sorry to report we're
going to keep that promise.
- Let's go to Nancy Bickerson
in Raleigh, North Carolina.
- The cigarette industry has
developed a new cigarette
made from chemically
treated sweat socks.
They assure us there is
no danger of lung damage,
but there is a
possibility of athlete's lip.
(audience laughter)
(muted trumpet playing)
- Hi, friends.
Busy Buzzi buzzing
around Tinseltown.
Item: Paul Newman and
his wife, Joanne Woodward,
have abandoned
plans to manufacture
their own cinnamon-flavored
toothpaste,
so if you see any
of it around town,
remember, Paul Newman
and his wife aren't making it.
(laughing)
Bye from Buzzi.
Kissy, kissy.
(laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel" playing)
- Desi, weren't you involved
with The Untouchables?
- Oh, yes, I was, Nancie.
I was the executive producer.
- Ah, you were the executive
producer of The Untouchables?
Wow.
How would you like to be
involved with a touchable?
- Uh, well, I would like to
get involved with a touchable
in every conceivable way,
with the possible exclusion
of standing up in a canoe
while attempting to navigate
the Colorado River rapids,
and I'm not really too sure
that I wouldn't like that.
- Ooh, Babalu!
('60s dance music)
- Now for all of you kiddies
out there in television land,
here's a little Italian
mouse, Annette Funicello.
- Hey, Dan, how
do you foon a cello?
- Well, you get an old
foon and a new cello,
and add a quart of snoo.
(audience laughter)
- What's new?
- Nothing much.
Today, I made a Venetian blind.
- How do you make
a Venetian blind?
- Well, have Annette
Funicello put a Greek urn
over his head.
- What's a Greek urn?
- Oh, about a-Oh, hold it.
I wouldn't touch that
with a 10-foot pole.
- What's a 10-foot pole?
- Wilt the Stilt Chambronosky
in high-heel sneakers.
There's a lot of bets around
here that I couldn't say that.
(drum roll)
- Oh, that Annette Funicello.
(tap dancing)
- Let's see, now.
I wonder to whom I should
give a little ringy dingy?
Oh.
(rotary phone dialing)
- Well, Dan-o, what's
the Mod World for tonight?
- Tonight we're doing
the Mod World of Brevity.
- Great!
(gasping)
- Well, what did
you think of it?
- I thought it dragged a little.
(audience laughter)
- Remember, friends,
this is National Earth Week.
So take a clod to dinner.
(tap dancing)
- Effete, don't fail me now.
(tap dancing)
- Okay, quiet, quiet on the set.
Randy Pharr party
sequence, take 12.
Okay, cue the gorilla.
- Wow, hey, is that
that new foreign car
you advertised for $1,900?
- $1,900, yes, sir.
And you know, that little
beauty has power steering,
radio, heater,
automatic transmission,
and white sidewalls.
- Oh, boy!
- I can let you
have it for $2,600.
- Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want all
that other stuff.
I just want to pay
$1,900 as advertised.
That'll be it, mm-hmm.
- Wait a minute.
Un momento, por favor.
Chief, we got a problem here.
I got a real knot on my hands.
He wants to buy a $1,900
automobile for $1,900.
- You gotta be kiddin'.
- Yeah, no, no, he just
wants to pay $1,900.
- Who is he, some
kind of a freak?
Send him over to me,
I'll take care of him.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Right this way, sir.
- Hi there.
- Hello.
- Good to see ya.
- Thank you.
- Say, I think I can make
you the deal you want.
$1,900 car, that's the
one you want right there?
- Yeah, that's-
- Just sign it.
- Well, thank you.
- Cost you just
a little bit extra.
- Hey, he doesn't
give that kind of a deal
to everybody, you know.
- That'll be $4,200.
- $4,200!
- Isn't that a deal?
- Now, sir, how would
you like an engine
in that little beauty?
- It doesn't have an engine?
- I think if you need-
- Like, you see, on
account of the smog.
- The smog?
Oh, there's no engine
because of the smog?
- Well, we're trying to
help the pollution problem.
- Oh, oh.
- You like seat covers?
- It doesn't have seat covers?
- What are you
gonna put them on?
- There's no seats?
- Well...
- Now, you know,
we could get it for you.
- Make you a great
deal on one seat.
(audience laughter)
(typewriter keys
striking and bell ringing)
- We'll be right
back after this word.
- Foon!
- And now, this
important message.
A foggy day in London town
- And now, back to
the comedy highlight
of tonight's program.
(whistle blowing)
(sobbing)
- I'm your fairy godmother.
- Fairy godmother, can
you tell me how I can go
to the prince's ball?
- No, but I can drum up a
little magic for you in San Diego.
(sobbing)
- Captain McDonald, could
you please come here?
- What is it, Miss Littlefield?
I don't have time to come back.
I'm very busy up front.
What's the problem?
- He has a gun.
- Oh, who has a gun?
- He who.
- This, this fella here.
Hi there.
- That is right.
And I want you to fly this
plane direct to Dallas, Texas.
- That's where we're going.
This is a direct
flight to Dallas.
- Oh yeah?
The last two times
we ended up in Cuba.
Now I want to make
sure that this time
you go right to Dallas.
Fly, gringo, and no fake!
- Alright, now.
Who can tell me what kind
of tracks those are over there?
- I can.
Union Pacific.
- Move the tents.
(train whistle blowing)
Put your hand down.
You look like a
Statue of Liberty.
I'm gonna get this
bunch straightened out,
if it's the last thing I do.
(jazzy music)
- Mr. President, would
you say that foreign aid
is taking money from poor
people in a rich country
and giving it to rich
people in a poor country?
- You know, uh, with the
community property laws
in California, Sonny,
you're the only one
who can get a divorce
and still keep his Cher.
(audience laughter)
- Miss Diller, I heard that
you have your own personal
auto mechanic and your
own personal hairdresser,
and that he's really great.
(laughing)
(whistle blowing)
(sinister music)
(audience laughter)
(trumpet flourish)
(upbeat music)
- [Gary] Optical illusion:
The inside circle is really
bigger than the outside one.
- Spanish people in
America refer to the FCC
as the F-no-no.
(crashing)
- Now, can we have
a big hand out there
for those sweethearts of
song, Guy and Martha Mitchell?
(women cheering and chattering)
- Mr. Desi Arnaz, do you
know how to speak Spanish?
- Uh, yes, I do, Barbara.
- Well, how do you say
buenas noches in Spanish?
- Goodnight.
- Oh, well now
try it in English.
- Goodnight.
- Gee, Doocy, your
English is almost as good
as your Spanish.
(audience laughter)
- Serves me right for getting
involved with another redhead.
- Oh, fairy godmother,
the prince is giving a party,
and I can't go because
of my ragged clothes.
Isn't there some magic
you can do for me?
- Of course there's some
magic I can do for you!
Pick a card, any card.
(sobbing)
You're awfully short.
(piano playing)
You'll admire the chimpanzee
See, he looks like you and me
Swings all day in
the pawpaw tree
Which hangs him up romantically
(applause)
Hee (audience laughter)
- Dick?
- Hmm?
- What are you
doing in that outfit?
- Well, I felt a little
silly hunting in a tuxedo.
- You've been hunting?
- That's funny, so was I.
I'm surprised I
didn't run into you.
Where'd you go?
- I didn't go hunting.
- Well, then don't bother
to change out of the tux.
Unless you're
gonna hunt penguins.
- Yeah, I'll be careful.
Hey, I'm curious, though.
I didn't know that you were
a hunter, for heaven's sake.
What kind of gun you use?
- Well, you know, it's got
a wooden part at the back
and then a long
iron thing up in front.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, do you
hunt with a .22 or-
- Uh no, but I've been
bowling with an 18-year-old.
(audience laughter)
- Ba-Rum-Bum.
Let's get back to hunting.
You know, that
can really be a thrill.
- Yeah, a thrill.
- Up at the crack of dawn.
- Up at the crack of dawn.
- Man against the elements.
- Man against the elements.
- Just you and your gun.
- And Audrey.
(audience laughter)
- And Audrey?
- Yeah, you don't think
I'm going through all that
without my survival kit, do ya?
(laughing)
- Hunting's a man's sport.
Now what possible use could
Audrey be to you in the woods?
(growling laugh)
Hold it right there.
- Not only that, but she helps
me skin the moose, ya know.
- Oh, you shot a moose?
- You're supposed
to shoot them first?
No wonder Audrey
had so much trouble.
- That could be
a little trouble.
I don't think I want
to hear about it.
- I tell ya one thing,
that's about the last time
ol' Audrey's gonna go
hunting with me, though.
- Oh really, why?
- Well, she gets so
worn out, you know.
All the way home, she
kept falling off the fender.
- What was Audrey
doing on the fender?
- [Both] Holding on.
- But you hold on for a second
while we go back to the party.
- Okay, hang in there, Audrey.
('60s dance music)
(whistle blowing)
- [Dick] Jump ball!
(whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(swoosh)
- So, last month, my
motorcycle was stolen,
and my house burned
down, and my frog died.
Then yesterday,
my old lady left me.
Well, at last, things are
starting to go my way.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Buenas noches.
My 10-year-old niece
is very advanced.
She was asked to resign
from her Brownie troop
when she demonstrated
for women's liberation
by burning her T-shirt.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- You know, Columbus
didn't have it so bad.
At least he had boats.
Now, if he had been black,
Queen Isabella would
have sent him over by bus.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- The way things are
going, it looks like the war
in Southeast Asia
will soon be all over.
- Hmm.
- All over Cambodia, all over
Laos, and all over Thailand.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Uh, she's sound asleep.
(audience laughter)
It's getting harder and
harder to recruit men
for the police force.
I mean, most guys figure
if they're gonna, you know,
put in the long hours
under hazardous conditions
for low pay, they might
as well be schoolteachers.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- My big chance for a comeback,
and they take me off the film.
They should have fired
my leading man instead.
After all, he was the
one who fell asleep
during my love scene.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- People say every
producer has a casting couch,
and that the only way to
get a good part is to audition.
- Well, so what?
- Now, that's ridiculous.
Have you ever tried to
tap dance on a davenport?
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- You know, we Texans
have great pride in the history
of our state.
The other day, we arrested a guy
just 'cause he forgot the Alamo.
('60s dance music)
(audience laughter)
- You know, today's
songs are nothing
but a big, meaningless
gibberish, you know?
- What's the word again?
- Whatever
happened to songs like
Etty-coti-co-ti,
etty-coti-co-tah
Etty-coti-coti-coti-coti-co-tah
(gasping)
- Oh, that is heavy,
you little Cuban cutie!
Let me wrap you
up in my fur piece.
Oh, Lucy!
Desi's back, and I've got him.
We're gonna ride
the fox and hound.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
- Hey, Glen, what's wrong?
- Oh man, I just came back
from one of those
topless nightclubs.
- Well, why do you
have your eyes closed?
- 'Cause I just went three
hours without blinking.
(audience laughter)
- Mmm.
- Hi, oh, welcome to Speak Out.
On my extreme right,
representing the far left,
is Max Weatherman,
militant Marxist.
- Good evening.
Imperialist pig!
- Oh boy.
And on my extreme left,
representing the far right,
is Robert Birch,
commander of the Brigade
for a Pure America.
- Thank you.
Commie pervert!
- Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, oh.
And in the center, representing
the middle of the road,
Mary May Jones, schoolteacher
and part-time mechanic.
- Good evening.
A couple of extremist weirdos.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, oh, hmm.
And now, for our question.
Now, let me admonish you
about self-control and restraint
at all times, no violence, okay?
Now, the question
is, do you think
America can go on the way it is?
Come on, come on.
- Yeah, yeah, I think she
can go on the way she is,
I think so.
- [Moderator] Yeah, hmm.
- I think so too.
- Hmm, I'll have to
go along with them.
(audience laughter)
- Well, I see, uh, if
you want to mix it up.
- No, that's about it.
- Uh huh, we have 15
minutes left, if you, you know,
we, uh, have at it.
- They've got 15 minutes left.
- Okay.
Heart of my heart
How I love that melody
- Come on, come on, get
up, fight, come on, come on.
Come on, come on in.
- No, it goes, it starts
with "heart of my,"-
- Wait, I know how it goes.
- So class, we learn
from this study of ecology
that all of these
extinct species died out,
including the person who
spelled that incorrectly,
because they
lacked the intelligence
to cope with their environment.
The human species,
however, has brains.
Thus, we can dominate
our environment
and save ourselves from dying
out by the use of our brains.
Thank you very much
for listening to me.
(audience laughter)
(coughing)
(upbeat, playful music)
(bowling ball rolling)
(bowling pins falling down)
(audience laughter)
(car horn beeping)
(car running)
(silly music)
(phone buzzer buzzing)
(upbeat, silly music)
(drum beating)
- What's that
you're playing, Desi?
- Bluebird of Happiness.
- Oh, that's impossible.
I've never heard anyone
play the Bluebird of Happiness
on the conga drum before.
- Then how do you
know this isn't it?
(audience laughter)
- You know what?
You're not gonna believe
this, but you know what
that sounds exactly like?
- What?
- Ricky ticky
ticky ticky, ricky!
- Well, your mother (groaning)!
('60s dance music)
- Come along with us,
folks, while we take a look-
- Vroom, vroom, vroom!
- Well, you dingbat, what
are you doing in that getup?
- Well, I happen to be on my
way to my skydiving lesson.
- Your skydiving?
Where's your parachute?
- Well, I never use a parachute.
They slow me down too much.
- (laughing) Well, they're
supposed to slow you down.
- Look, I want to get it over
with as soon as possible.
I hate skydiving.
(audience laughter)
- Well, if you hate skydiving,
why are you doing it?
- It's a hobby.
- I've heard about
enough of that nonsense.
- I gotta go to my lesson
now, but I'll be right back.
I'll make it a quickie.
- Yeah, well,
speaking of quickies,
I think I see a few coming now.
Here they are.
(cheering)
(boing)
- Daddy, let's play horsey.
Let's, let's, let's play horsey.
- Alright.
- Play horsey with
me, okay, Dad?
- Okay, here we go.
- Okay, Daddy.
- Come on, jump up there.
- Okay, Old Broadback.
- Ready, here we go.
- Go, Broadback, hi ya, ah.
(cracking)
- Oh! Get off!
- What's wrong, Daddy?
- Oh, my leg, I
think I broke it!
Ah!
(gun firing)
- Gonna miss the
big fella around here.
Mommy, you want to play horsey?
(audience laughter)
- Alright, you guys.
Tonight, I'm gonna show
ya how to play a little football.
(harmonica playing)
(audience laughter)
- I propose that we
conduct a national lottery
to raise funds to help
stamp out gambling.
(cheering)
(booming)
(upbeat, ragtime music)
- Golly, Robinson Crusoe
was the long quickie, golly!
To dream the impossible dream
(audience laughter)
(whistling and cheering)
(bell tinkling)
(upbeat music)
- Hi, honey.
- Oh hello, honey.
How was your day?
- Well, the welfare
department had a budget cut,
and they're letting some
of us social workers go,
so I'm afraid I'm out of a job.
- Oh good, now we
can go on welfare.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, I never thought of that.
- Harry, oh you wouldn't
believe the day I've had today.
The kids have been
driving me crazy,
the vacuum cleaner broke,
I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm really delirious!
(can top pops off)
(audience laughter)
- Hi, this is your
girl on the go,
talking to our man on the scene.
- And this is your
man on the scene,
talking to the girl on the go.
How are you?
- I'm very well, how are you?
- Oh fine, thank you.
It's good to see you.
- Thank you very much.
Good to see you.
Good looking jacket.
Where did you buy that?
- This came from the drugstore.
Now, tell me just one thing.
What is your
personal life really like?
- That's all we
have time for now.
Back to our studios.
- Good talking to you.
- Thank you,
good talking to you.
(whistling and cheering)
(dishes crashing)
- Lovely lady.
I am so hungry.
I haven't had anything
to eat in three days.
Could I have a dollar?
- Oh, certainly, my good man.
(crunching)
(audience laughter)
- Mmm, that's good.
Not as spicy as the peso, but...
(audience laughter)
(playful music)
- What's a lousy
joint like you doing
in a nice kid like that?
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Irving, it's beautiful!
Oh!
(crunching)
- The minute I saw
it, I knew it was you.
(audience laughter)
(cheering and whistle blowing)
(whistle blowing)
(upbeat music)
(groaning)
- Boy, I had it with planes.
- Well, I told you.
You can't go skydiving without
a parachute and not get hurt.
- I never got to the skydiving.
- Well, what happened to you?
- I was attacked
by a stewardess.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
A stewardess never
attacked anybody.
- She would if you
attacked her first.
(audience laughter)
- Wolfgang, you say you can't
understand my English, right?
- Hmm.
- Well, I tell you something.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Oh, I understand all that.
It's about your
pronuncimination.
- I got good pronunciation.
- That's pronounced
pronuncimination.
- Pronuncimination?
- That's it, pronuncimination.
Now pronounce
pronunciminimation.
- Pronuncimination.
- That's fastastic.
- Fastastic?
- Yes, see there?
One lesson and already your
pronuncimination is fastastic.
(audience laughter)
- The Inca Indians
believed that the words
paranguadi quantanamica
faro brought wealth and respect,
and it did, because
paranguadi quantanamica faro
is Incan for "I have gun, give
me all your money, please."
(audience laughter)
(sobbing)
- Hi, why are you
crying, Cinderella?
- I wasn't invited
to the prince's ball.
Everyone of
importance is to be there,
and all the invitations
have been sent out already.
- They are?
- Yes!
- And I wasn't invited?
(sobbing)
Could I have fairy breath?
(audience laughter)
(kazoo music)
(slide whistle descending)
(fanfare music)
- Oh, Mr. Arnaz, I
must complement you
on being most tasteful
during the show.
- Oh, thank you very much.
But I suggest you plug your
ears now, because I'm going
to say the dirtiest
four-letter word I know.
- Oh my!
- Smug.
(audience laughter)
- I do hope it was
said tastefully.
(audience laughter)
- If you love Lily Tomlin
and are an avid fan,
move closer to your television
so you can see her avid better.
(fanfare music)
(whistle blowing)
I love you Like I love
the sea I love you
Like I love an eye-cur-ee
As much as the stars at night
- [Women] Ricky tiki
tiki tiki tiki (tongue rolling)
- Desi, you and Lucy
were together for so long.
Tell me, do you miss
working with her?
- Very much so, particularly
at this very moment.
(audience laughter)
('60s dance music)
(playful ragtime music)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(slide whistle descending)
(boing)
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
- [Gary] This is
an optical illusion.
Turn your head sideways,
and the horizontal
line will appear vertical.
(audience laughter)
- Remember girls, only
you can prevent men.
- I understand you had
five children by Fang.
- Oh no, we had
them the regular way.
(audience laughter)
- Got 'em at the market, huh?
(laughing)
- So girls, I found happiness
with the little things in life:
a little money, a little
home in the country,
and a little lovin'.
(audience laughter)
- Meanwhile, back
in our newsroom,
this important
story has come in.
- Recently, the military
high command announced
that the withdrawal is
proceeding on schedule,
and now, with an instant
analysis of that situation
is Eric Clarified.
Come in, Eric.
Not in here, you ding-dong.
Over there.
No, over...
Eric Clarified.
(throat clearing)
- In discussing withdrawal,
now the key word is withdraw.
Now withdrawing
is an act of recalling.
Now, to recall is
an obvious move,
especially when you have
dialed a wrong number.
Now, in cases
involving long distance,
it is best to notify the
operator immediately
to avoid being
charged for the call.
Thank you, back to
you, Dick and Jane.
(audience laughter)
- And now, for an instant
analysis of Eric Clarified,
here is Chet Humpley.
- I think the man's a
babbling nincompoop.
- [Gary] And now,
a couple of words
for our
Spanish-speaking friends.
- Ricardo Montalban.
(audience laughter)
- And now, for this
biting comment.
- I haven't had a bite in days.
(crunching)
Oh, rapa, papa (cackling)
- Oh, they're gonna
come and get you.
Oh yeah.
- I hope so.
(laughing)
(slide whistle descending
slowly into a thud)
- And now, for the
night's stock market report.
Today, the Dow
Jones averages closed-
- Mr. Golden, Mr. Golden,
the hospital just called.
Your wife just gave
birth to a baby boy,
eight pounds six ounces.
- When it gets to 10
and a quarter, sell.
(audience laughter)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
- News!
- [Women] Ricky tiki tiki!
News
Get off of me!
Go on to sing another, already!
- Oh, Lucy, how did you put up
with this Cuban
booga-boober-boober-boober?
Boogaroo, whatever
that noise is he makes.
(creaking)
(kazoo music)
(creaking)
(audience laughter)
- Mr. Frost, you know,
for a person what has been
in this country as
long as you have,
you have the worst
accent I ever heard it.
You speak like a foreigner.
(audience laughter)
(sobbing)
- Oh, fairy godmother, I
can't go to the prince's ball.
Just look at the
way I'm dressed.
- Don't cry, Cinderella.
I'll touch you with
my magic wand.
(tinkling)
(laughing)
Well, look at it this way.
Maybe it'll be a costume party.
(sobbing)
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
- Well, Desi, that about
wraps it up for tonight.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Okay, but first,
I want to ask Desi
a very important question.
- What's that, Dick?
- Well, for years you've been
babaluing all over the place,
and I'd just like to know,
for my own information,
what does babalu mean?
- Yeah?
- Well, you know,
it's a catchphrase.
- Catchphrase.
- Oh?
- You know, it's a
primitive cry of the male.
- Ah!
- To his, uh...
- Boo, boo, boo.
- Soulful.
- Soulful.
- Whole career
destroyed in one phrase.
(audience laughter)
- To catch, you know.
It's just a
catchphrase, you know.
- Oh.
- I'll show you.
Babalu
- Oh, you called!
(audience laughter)
- The only trouble, you never
know what you're gonna catch.
(audience laughter)
- Come with me,
you little cucaracha.
(audience laughter)
- Boy, they make a
lovely couple, don't they?
- They certainly do.
Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
Babalu (upbeat music)
- Yoo-hoo, Desi?
- Yeah?
- I understand you race horses.
- Well, I used to,
but I gave it up.
I got tired of them beating me.
(laughing)
- You know, I
can't understand it.
I auditioned for Porgy and Bess,
and the producer told me
I was too light for the part.
I put on 20 pounds, and
he still turned me down.
(audience laughter)
(laughing)
- Oh, Dick.
- Oh, you're quite good.
- I lied about that.
- Why are you a masochist?
- Beats me.
- Burbank just pulled down the
funds for a new superhighway.
The money instead
will be allocated
to a new super bowling alley.
- Why do the new
kids already got a joke,
and I'm down in this pit?
I don't understand.
I'm very neat about my
person, I do a lot of things,
I don't understand
why I have to do that.
Can I not have a
joke of my very own?
- Oh now, come on, hush.
Now, let's let him talk.
Here he is, America, Tom Dan!
- Tom Dan.
Yes, now did you
hear about the hippie,
got drafted in the Army, said,
"Hair today, gone tomorrow."
- [Alan] Well, that
might be a joke to you,
but I think it's lousy.
- Oh, that's very good, Dan.
- Thank you,
Alan didn't like it.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
- Oh, good to see you again.
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
(audience laughter)
- Oh my gosh, my
uncle was just stolen!
- Why would anyone
want to steal your uncle?
- Well, he's got one eye,
a handlebar mustache,
somebody must have
thought he was a motorcycle.
(audience laughter)
- Desi, Desi, where are you?
- Yeah?
- Desi, were you
really born in Cuba?
- Well, not really.
I was born in Palm Beach.
My bassinet was hijacked.
- Oh!
- Come on, I want a joke of my-
my mother's watching this show!
- I went to a nude group
therapy sensitivity session,
but I was in a hurry, so
it was just touch and go.
(laughing)
(speaking in imitation
foreign language)
- Sure, abortions
are legal in California.
Trouble is, to cut
through all the red tape,
it takes 10 models.
Count 'em, 10.
- Hey, listen, let me
tell you something.
If nudity is indecent exposure,
what is decent exposure?
- Oh!
Oh, in this light, about F8.
- You know, it's the kids'
fault the movies are today
filled with nothing
but sex, sex, sex.
- How do you know all that?
- 'Cause I've seen 'em all.
- You've seen all those kids?
- No, all those movies.
Va-va-voom!
(audience laughter)
- This is your
Uncle Jilly, oh yeah.
Hell, you's, try to
be a better person.
Whoo, whoo!
(kazoo music)
(splashing)
(crashing)
(sirens blaring)
- Goodnight, Baba.
- [Female Voice] Goodnight, Lu.
(audience laughter)
- Very interesting, but
did you ever in your life
hear such a funny talker
as that Dizzy Arnaz?
(laughing)
- Listen, Wolfgang.
You're not the only silver fox
tongue around here, you know.
- Oh, well that's
easy for you to say.
(laughing)
It's the cuckoo Cuban
with the coconut accent.
Tell me, Doosnip.
- Eh?
- The Doosnip.
- Doosnip?
- Doosnip, it's as
good as name as any.
Doosnip.
- It's Desi, Desi.
It's a very simple name.
Any fool can say it.
- Any fool can say what?
- Desi.
(laughing)
- Fooled you, Disney.
You know, go to my bunker
and warm up the burritos.
(laughing)
(tapping)
Uh oh, as if I didn't
have enough trouble
with the Crisco kid,
here comes that crazy
tipper-tapper tuper girl.
I'm going to the bunker
and eat the burrito.
- Goodnight, America,
and goodnight Mr. Agnew.
Wherever you are,
whatever you do,
all America will listen to you.
Show them, America, Agnew.
- I'm sorry, Lucy,
but it's a living.
(drumming)
(cymbal crashing
and slow clapping)
(NBC theme tones)
(gun firing)