Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 12 - Episode #4.12 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Have you tried the
John Birch cocktail?
After one drink you
see red everywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
William F. Buckley cocktail?
Two drinks and he
can't tell right from right.
I got it wrong.
(audience laughing)
- There's a Mickey
Rooney cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're under the table,
but you're still standing.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Richard Nixon cocktail?
Two drinks and you
think you're President.
Three and you think
you're Vice President.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Lake Eerie cocktail?
Two drinks and you are polluted.
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Neurotic
Broadcasting Company,
regrets that greed
forces them to present
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Burbank's
favorite, Dan Rowan
and Dan's favorite, Dick Martin.
With tonight's
special guest stars:
Broov Kraufman.
Rolph Trump.
Freida Fellgard.
Glenn Fagencrantz.
And Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Allen Sues.
Lily Tomlin.
In spite of Dennis Allen.
Jonny Brown.
Ann Elder.
Nancy Phillips.
And the twelve tapping
toes of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
speaking to you from
the heart of Burbank's
abandoned coal mine and
flaming eucalyptus grove
where young music
lovers gather to watch
Lawrence Welk rub Gary
Puckett the wrong way.
- Aren't you glad
there are white people?
Don't you wish everyone was?
(audience laughing)
- Hm, there goes
the white tornado.
Mmmm.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- [Gary] Ladies and
gentleman, Miss Dinah Shore.
(audience applause)
(fingers cracking)
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
Gonna take a sentimental journey
Gonna set my heart at ease
- What you see is what you get.
- Ah.
Mhm.
- Whoo.
- Uh huh uh huh.
(audience laughing)
(cash register bells)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Kiss me and I will change
into a handsome prince.
(kissing)
Well maybe it needs a
little more than a kiss.
(laughing)
- Forget it.
- That is tacky.
- It is tacky.
And highly implec-ti-ca-ca-ble.
(audience laughing)
(rapid tapping)
- Look out the tapperer
is tappering early tonight.
(audience laughing)
(rapid tapping)
Stop that dancing you yo yo.
- Ladies and gentleman,
the Mexican people
have many things to be proud of.
And one thing we
are very proud of
is that Rowan and
Martin are not Mexican.
(audience laughing)
Therefore it is with great pride
that I present Don
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
- Hi I'm Curt Massey
and this is Martha Tilton.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, some wonderful
tunes for you tonight.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Martin
& Rowan's Laugh-In.
- Wait, wait, wait, hold it.
- And I'd like
to say that the...
- Hold it.
- What?
- Hold it.
What Martin?
It's Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In, my name comes first.
- Yeah, but you remember
how it was decided
your name would go first.
- I shall never
forget it, Richard.
We decided it some 18
years ago come spring.
- [Dick] Right.
- We decided it would
be listed alphabetically.
- Ah ha, I got ya.
See, I just realized Martin
comes before Rowan.
- Yes, but Dan
comes before Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha.
Caught again.
Well, as long as
we're on the subject,
I'm getting a little sick
of that 60/40 split, too.
- You don't like
the 60/40 split?
- No, back to the 70/30.
(audience laughing)
- Boy you're true.
You drive a hard
bargain you sharpy you.
- I really kind of have
you at a disadvantage.
- Why's that?
- I've always been known
as a shrewd businessman.
- Everybody goes around say,
"boy, Dick's a
shrewd businessman."
I better watch
myself around you.
- Well.
Now that I'm so rich, let's
go to the party and celebrate.
It's on me.
- Okay money bags, let's go.
(upbeat disco music)
- My agent told me I
should do a nude scene
in my next movie.
He said it was for art's sake.
Then I found out
Art was the producer.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Sharma,
that is an old joke.
- So was Art.
- That's two.
(upbeat disco music)
- Uh, excuse me Miss Elder.
- Yes?
- Oh, I didn't mean
to get too...
Do you realize that
we lose more people in
our nation's highways
each year than we've lost
in any war?
- (chuckling) Well golly gosh.
Maybe President Nixon
should ask for an immediate
withdrawal from our
freeways. (audience laughing)
- Oh, boy, look.
(audience laughing)
You know, I was just thinkin',
there's so much concern
about advising criminals,
you know of their rights, today.
I was just thinkin',
maybe it's time
we started advising
them of their wrongs.
(upbeat disco music)
- Oh.
Oh, oh.
I sympathize with
those people affected
by the rise in unemployment.
Believe me, I
know what it's like to
roam the streets
looking for work.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Nothing seems to
go right for my club.
Tuesday we organized
a mass meeting
to combat apathy, and
only four people showed up.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Ah.
I hate that to look at
me you wouldn't know
I'm a lion tamer, will you?
(laughing)
Look, all this moral
decay is really
getting to be a problem.
Last night I caught
my pet monkey
with a copy of the Naked Eight.
(laughing) (upbeat disco music)
- My grandaddy the colonel says,
that your honor is
worth a million dollars.
It's terrible how the price of
a judge has gone up lately.
That is tacky.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- You know the majority of
the population is overweight.
That makes skinny
folks a minority group
and man, I'm not ready to
be part of another minority.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I have finally trained a brain
that thinks exactly
like a member
of a President's commission.
Now, whenever I
ask it a question,
it says, "what do
you want me to say?"
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Last night I had
a fire in my house
and I grabbed my two most
valuable possessions: Audrey.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
Hi, Dan.
Dan, did you know that in 1968,
the Republican party spent
$12,700,000 on television?
- Seemed to me
with a budget like that
they could've come
up with a better show.
- Oh, Dan, Dan.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Imagine.
Me, Suzy Sorority
of the Silent Majority
with Freddie Fraternity,
captain of the basketball team.
Rah.
- I'm also captain
of the football team.
Star pitcher on
the baseball team.
And the crack quarter miler.
- Gee, Freddie,
you're marvelous.
- Yes, Suzy, I am.
- Rah.
- Suzy.
We've been dating
through two football seasons
and a track meetin'.
I want tonight to be different.
- How, Freddie?
- Do you wanna get in the back?
- No, I'd rather stay
up front with you.
(audience laughing)
- Suzy.
There comes a time
in the relationship
of a man and a woman
when they become
more than just friends.
- Rah. (audience laughing)
Freddie, do you mean...
- Uh huh.
Suzy, I wanna kiss you.
- Oh and you will
Freddie, you will.
Just as soon as you and I,
and mommy and daddy get
back from the honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
- Rah.
- Rah.
- Suzy.
Do you mind if I get
in the back by myself?
- I'll drive home.
(upbeat disco music)
- Here is today's secret riddle:
Why do camels drink so much?
That's right, to forget.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- [Gary] Once again,
Miss Dinah Shore.
(audience applause)
(piano playing)
Everybody Loves
somebody Sometimes
(upbeat bumbly music)
- "Dear Miss Armsby,
"Please honor the
request of a secret admirer
"and meet me today
at the bench in the park.
"The bench near the swings.
"I promise you will
not be disappointed.
"Singed, a secret admirer."
(clearing throat)
(audience laughing)
(light bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
- Please do not turn
around Miss Armsby.
- Oh your voice is
strangely familiar.
- I am often mistake
for Tom Jones,
or Englebert Humperdinck
depending on where
you want your dimples.
Miss Armsby, perhaps
you and I could steal away.
- (gasping) Tyrone
Nefhornai it's you.
And you...
You hoodwinked me
with this flowery letter.
- Oh, oh, oh, one moment.
Let reason stay your
departure, Miss Armsby.
Hear me out.
- Tyron Nefhornai, I have
nothing to say (gasping)
to you. (audience laughing)
- But a moment.
Here.
I have brought
sweets for the sweet.
Don't move away from me.
This is a new Hornai.
- How do I know
you can be trusted?
- Did I ever lie to you?
Be of good faith.
All I ask is that we
continue as before.
If you get to a hard
center, think of me.
(audience laughing)
Good friend.
A warm and gentle
platonic relationship,
just as before.
- Alright, just as before.
- In that case, Miss Armsby,
could I interest you in a
dalliance behind the downy?
- (Gasping) You
haven't changed, Tyrone.
- Neither have you Miss Armsby.
I
Prefer these posies
as a sign of my sincerity.
- If you're up to your old
tricks Tyrone Nefhornai.
- Oh no fair lady.
Trust me,
let us continue our
discussion on the moral.
Same time?
Same bench?
- We'll see. (audience laughing)
- The nymph cannot resist me.
I shall soon have
her hand in my hand.
And her face close to mine.
(smacking)
But first I must do
something about her ears.
She has the hearing of a bat.
(audience laughing)
- I think it's time to go home.
- Yeah, it looks like
the place is closin' up.
(laughing)
- As soon as Dick
gets here, it'll be time
for the Quickies.
- Hi there.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was out walking
my wooden duck.
- [Dan] Walking.
Isn't that a little unusual?
- Not really, I'm
late all the time.
- No, I mean,
it's a little silly,
a grown man walking
a wooden duck.
- Well I don't look
upon it as simply
walking a wooden duck.
I prefer to think
of it as trolling.
- As trolling?
- What?
- What?
- What a cute
little wooden duck.
What's his name?
- [Dick] Come
here, I'll tell ya.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, while Dick
reels in his catch,
you go to the Quickies,
I'm going to the toy store.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, shorty, draw.
(shooting) (audience laughing)
Oh, you're a fast little devil.
(audience laughing)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
(audience laughing)
- Are you kidding?
The man's an animal.
- Come on, Ethel,
stop complaining.
A man's got a right to
relax once in a while.
(drumming) (audience laughing)
- Hey, how long
have you been here?
- Well, let's see.
I've been here
66...
No, make that 67 minutes.
(audience laughing)
- Purse snatcher,
purse snatcher.
Purse snatcher, purse snatcher.
- Oh, Third National Bank?
Listen, I'm sick in bed.
This is a stick up.
Mail me $20,000.
(sneezing)
- Hello there can I show
you something, madame?
- (Chuckling)
Yes, I'd like to see
a pair of black
and white loafers.
- Why of course.
Harry, Willy.
They're really one of the
greatest loafers in town.
- We have have our Quickies.
- Hey, you wanna give me a hand?
I'm walking my wooden elephant.
- Oh that's stupid.
How can you possibly walk
a wooden elephant around?
- Well I don't know
but it's worth a try.
You saw what I got with
my wooden duck, huh?
(audience laughing)
(bright, upbeat music)
(piano playing)
Rhinos sing fa la la la
Hippos sing fa la la la
Alligators sing boo wah
But alligators don't sing much
(audience laughing and applause)
- Yep.
Can I help ya?
- Yes.
I'd like to report
a missing person.
- Male or female?
- Female.
- Can you describe her?
- Well she's about five
foot two with eyes of blue.
- Hold it, Max, she's
only five feet two?
- Yeah, but what
those five feet can do.
(audience laughing) Has
anybody seen my gal?
- Any other
distinguishing features?
- Well she's got
a turned up nose
and wears turned down hose.
- Flapper?
- Oh yes, she's one of those.
Has anybody seen my gal?
- Okay, Max, we'll send
out an all points bulletin.
We'll let you know
if we hear anything.
- Sergeant, one more thing:
if you run into a five foot
two covered with fur...
- Covered with fur?
- Yeah, diamond rings
and all those things.
You can bet your
life it isn't her.
- Hold it, Max,
one more question.
- What is it?
- This missing
person, could she love?
- Could she love?
- You know, could she coo?
- Could she coo?
Has anybody seen my gal?
- Oh, we picked up one
missing person today.
Barney, bring in
the missing person.
You see, she doesn't
fit that description.
- No, but it's close
enough. (audience laughing)
- Have you tried
the Hanoi cocktail?
No matter how many you
have, you never get bombed.
(audience laughing)
- There's a Christine
Jorgensen cocktail.
You have two and a
vice president attacks you.
(audience laughing)
- There's the Sophia
Loren cocktail.
You have one,
but it feels like two.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Myra Breckinridge cocktail?
Two drinks and you don't
know which way to go.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Raquel Welch cocktail?
Two drinks and you
win the daily double.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbling music)
- Blah, blah, blah.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] And now,
Stranger Than Truth.
- Little Jolene Andrea Maria,
was a simple peasant
girl tending her flock
of sheep in the south of France.
One quiet evening as
Jolene gazed heaven ward,
a beautiful image
miraculously suspended
in the sky appeared above her.
Upon hearing the
child's strange tale,
Jolene's mother
assembled the entire village,
and on the following evening
they gathered in the fields.
At the appointed
hour the ecstatic
child uttered a shrill cry,
"I can see it, I can see it."
And so could everyone else.
It was the 8:15
commuter jet out of Lisbon.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Dick, what
do you get if you cross
Lamont Cranston
and the Mona Lisa?
- I don't know, what?
The shadow of your smile
- Oh that's good, I like that.
(upbeat bumbling music)
(audience laughing)
- Princess, I'm a
handsome prince
and I have been turned
into a frog by a wicked witch.
Your kiss can make
me a prince again.
- Forget it, prince.
I fell for that
story once before
and all I got was warts.
(audience laughing)
(frog laughing)
- Then there's the
Smothers Brothers cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're off the air.
- There's a...
There's a George
Wallace cocktail.
One drink everything
turns white.
- There's the Aristotle
Onassis cocktail.
After two drinks you
become very callous.
(upbeat bumbly music)
(crashing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- One ringy dingy.
(audience laughing)
Two ringy dingies.
(audience laughing)
A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. Vee-dull?
- Yes, this is Mr. Vidal.
- Oh hello Mr. Vee-dull.
This is Miss Tomlin from
the telephone company.
- The name is Vidal.
Dal.
Dal.
- Oh, now don't
get fresh with me.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Mr. Vee-dull.
- Vidal.
- Look, if we can't come
to an accord on this,
I'm just going to call you
by your first name, Gory.
(audience laughing)
Now then, Gory, I
wanted to tell you
that I've just seen
Myra Breckenridge,
and you promised
me a part in the picture
and I noticed that it
went to Raquel Welch.
- No, she didn't get the part.
Your part went to Rex
Reid. (audience laughing)
- Well, que sera, sera.
(audience laughing)
Things could've
been worse, you know.
My part could've
gone to John Huston.
(laughing)
Now then, by the way Gory,
I've just read your latest
literary effort, Two Sisters.
- How'd you like it?
- Oh I loved her, hated her.
By the way, by the way,
I'm available for the
part of either sister.
- I'm sorry but we've
already given the part
to Rex Reid and John
Huston. (audience laughing)
And now,
now Miss Tomlin,
while I've got you here...
- Oh now wait a
minute Mr. Vidal.
You don't quite have
me there just yet,
you sober tongued fox.
- I want to complain
about a bill.
- Oh now, now listen, Mr. Gory,
your problems with Mr. Fibuckley
are of no concern to me.
- Not that Bill,
or just plain Bill.
My telephone bill.
I've been overcharged.
- Overcharged?
Well I'd say that's
pretty obvious
from the books
you've been writing.
(laughing)
Now, Mr. Vee-dull.
Hello?
(upbeat bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
- Kiss me again.
You know, you
kiss better as a frog.
(audience laughing)
- Why did I get into this?
(whistle blowing)
- It is time now for
the Mod Mod World.
Tonight's subject is one
that's close to everyone's heart.
- You mean transplants?
- No, no.
Hey, now you have
a boy, right, Cary?
- Yes, yes, tonight's Mod
World is my son Cary?
- No, no, it's about Cary and
a lot of other young people.
How old's he now?
- Uh, he's 12, goin' on 13.
- That's redundant.
Everyone who's
12 is going on 13.
- Yeah all but Bruce.
He's going on 19.
- Why is he going on 19?
- 'Cause he's 18.
- I would like to...
- Anytime you don't
understand those things
you just ask me
and I'll help you.
- You're just here
to help me out.
- 18, and then there's
19, and then there's 20.
- Well you know that
brings us right back to...
- 21.
- To tonight's Mod Mod
World, which is education.
You know Dick...
- Yes I know Dick.
- [Both] Nice fella, yes.
- His name is listed last.
Education has changed
tremendously since we went to school.
- Well speak for yourself.
I know it's changed
since you went to school.
You don't have to carry
the muskets anymore,
Indians are friendly
now. (all laughing)
- I'm referring to the
new teaching methods.
Today's schools even use
television in the classrooms.
- Well now that's
hog wash and poo.
- No, no, television.
- No, if those kids would stop
watching television
they'd learn a lot more
if they start reading those...
- Books?
- Books, books, that's it.
(audience laughing)
- Subject matter's
been modernized.
What do you think
of the new math?
- I wasn't too crazy
about the old math.
- And history has changed,
they've brought it up to date.
Modern historians have
learned that Columbus
did not discover America.
- Of course not,
he discovered Ohio.
- Columbus, Ohio?
(audience laughing)
- Any time you wanna
know these things.
- You're just here to help.
Education's an
important political issue.
For instance, what's
the strongest force
on campuses today?
- The National Guard?
- No.
The force I had in
mind was the students
demands for relevance
in their curriculum.
Students are involved,
fighting for academic freedom.
Protesting the war,
demonstrating for individual rights
in today's society.
- Don't they go
to class anymore?
- Most certainly they do.
Today's modern youth
is better educated,
better adjusted
politically and socially
then ever before.
Some campuses
even have co-ed dorms.
- Hold it there.
Oh.
Co-ed dorms?
- Why not?
They're healthy, normal,
modern young people
who share the same
interests, same philosophies,
same attitudes.
- Same room. (audience laughing)
- Sometimes, yes, they do.
- You wanna finish
up without me?
I gotta leave now.
- Where you goin'?
- Well I'm going back for a
little post graduate studies.
School days.
- While Dick rushes off
in pursuit of knowledge,
let's tale a look at the
Mod World of education.
- [All] Give us an
A, a U, C-A-T-I-O-S.
Remember the good
'ol days at school
Oh we hated 'em Recess bells
All school yells
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
What a waste of time
Grades were what we tried to get
Not education
We weren't bright enough
for student demonstrations
A, B, C One, two, three
Those were the good 'ol
days at school, remember
Throw a pass Cuttin' class
Those were the
normal days at school
You lost your book report
Crowded halls, classroom brawls
Those were the
crummy days at school
Call the principal
Only thing important
was to keep competing
Though we never learned a lot
We still learned
cheating Cheat and lie
Those were the good 'ol days of
Heavy homework
Those were the good 'ol days of
Tired teachers
Those were the good 'ol days of
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Rah rah
- Students of
Magnolia University,
those of you who know
what our country stands for
and those concepts
which we have fought for
and are indebted to protect.
Welcome to the
first class in our new
black studies program.
Now, let us start with
lesson number one:
pursuit.
- Mr. Duvil.
- Yes, Miss Letty?
- I am all in favor of
modernizing the new reader,
but listen to this:
"See Jane run, run Jane run.
"See Dick hop, hop, hop, hop.
"Man, he hops.
"Keep running Jane."
(audience laughing)
- What's wrong with that?
- What's wrong?
I've got six hoppers in
my class named Dick,
one runner named
Jane, and that girl
is beginning to slow down.
- You're in the national guard
and I'm student,
but we're both on
a campus for the same reason.
- Oh, you're trying to
stay out of the army, too?
- Right on. (audience laughing)
My foot.
- Right on.
(upbeat disco music)
- And of course teachers
are always complaining
that their classrooms
are overcrowded.
- Elliot Cozack, please
stop throwing spit balls.
That is you, isn't it, Elliot?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbling music)
- [Computer] Good
morning, class.
- Oh good morning Miss TM1341.
- I am Miss TM9983, your
substitute teaching machine.
Your regular teaching
machine is in the shop.
I will now give you
your final examination.
What is the capital of Poland?
What is the capital of Ethiopia?
- Oh, oh, wait a
minute, my pencil broke.
- What is the capital
of Luxembourg?
How much does Yugoslavia weigh?
- Wait, wait, wait, I
don't have a pencil.
I don't have a pencil.
- [Computer] Alright
class, pencils down.
Now for your math exam.
- Oh wait!
- [Computer] Take
out your pencils and...
- Wait, I still don't
have a pencil!
- [Computer] 3X
plus 3Y equals what?
(yelling)
- Stop that which you are doing.
Beep beep.
I'm a duly sworn
campus police machine
and I hereby apprehend
you for assaulting
and battering a campus
teaching machine.
You're under arrest.
Beep, beep. (audience laughing)
Listen, cutie.
What do you say
we drop the charges
and you and me go up to my place
for a fifth of oil?
Beep, beep.
(audience laughing and applause)
- If your grandson learning
a language at school?
- Yes.
But he better not
talk like that at home.
(audience laughing)
- Skills today are so tough.
Brass knuckles,
billy clubs and mace
are listed as teaching aids.
- The school I went to
was extremely liberal.
First they instituted a
black studies program.
Last year they began servin'
soul food in the cafeteria,
and now they're
even talkin' about
admittin' a black student.
(audience laughing)
- I was an unusual child.
My parents had to enroll
me in a backwards school
for forward girls.
- It's easy to spot a
progressive school.
There's always a
little old man out front
selling nude pictures.
(audience laughing)
- My idea of physical education
is watching Raquel
Welch do deep knee bends.
That's it.
(upbeat bumbly music)
Terrible clubs and ROTC
Cheerin' the team to victory
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
How's your calculus Honor roll
Varsity shows Close cut hair
Conservative clothes
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Sure the world is bland
Panty raids and barrings
were a steady diet
You know it's a shame
We never tried a campus riot
When we'd float We'd get drunk
Those were the good 'ol days
Of higher learning
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
(audience applause)
- Daddy, daddy, guess what?
We're halfway through
our biology class
and we're learning
how babies are born.
- Really?
- Yes.
We learned that
the two cells move
by the process of
osmosis to the amnion
where it matures for an
interval of nine months.
- Remarkable, what happens then?
- And then the stork
arrives and drops
the baby down the
chimney. (audience laughing)
- That's what happened
with you alright.
- Let's see.
That's a canteen,
a cartridge belt.
First aid kit, but what's this?
- Oh.
That's my makeup kit.
All three networks
are covering the riots.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Want a little pan stick?
- Today many younger
children start their education
by watching television
shows such as Sesame Street.
We wondered how their
unusual teaching methods
might affect a
child later in life.
- One.
One, one, one.
Two.
Two, two, two.
- Nevermind, I'm out.
- Out, out, out.
(audience laughing)
- Now children, we are
going to learn reading
by the phonetic method.
Remember, A makes a sound "A",
B makes a sound "B"
and C makes a sound "C"
and so on.
Now, Phillip, read
what's on the board.
(audience laughing)
- T-He light-lee
lah-me prin-key.
- Wrong.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Fellow members of the
Jolene Brad Junior High School
Parent Teachers Association.
It's nice to see you all
came to the meeting tonight.
As you know, we're
here to discuss
violence on campus as
reported in the President's
report on campus unrest.
Now there are copies
of the report in front
of each of you.
I will open the
floor to comment,
but first, let me tell you,
that Vice President
Agnew has called this report
"more pablum for
permissiveness."
(clapping)
- We know that the Vice
President is not one of your
pusillanimous pussyfooters,
so they must be right.
- Ah, hold on right there.
That's a typical comment
of an effete intellectual snob
and I for one am not
going to listen to it.
- Let me say this about
that, now wait, wait.
- Look at how
the radiclibs react.
They're troglodyctic leftists,
all of them, to the last man.
- I've heard just
about enough from you
fence straddling charlatans
of peace & freedom.
(bickering)
- Hold on, hold on.
This is supposed
to be a discussion.
Let's lower our voice.
- Step outside?
- How can anyone
discuss anything with
one of you vicars
of vacillation?
- You criminal misfit, you
tomentose exhibitionist.
I'll show you who's
a vicar of vacillation.
(yelling)
- Let's bring this together.
- I about tired with you
forgotten Americans.
I mean you're a
moderator come lately,
and I will not tolerate
foolish obstruction.
(whistle blowing)
- Now,
let's let this rhetoric be
a little bit cooler than that
you nattering
nabobs of negativism.
You hysterical
hypochondriacs of history.
Back to the meeting
on the President's report
on campus unrest.
- You effete intellectual.
- Pusillanimous pussyfooters!
- Ideological eunuc!
- Come together!
Lower your voices!
Keep your rhetoric cool!
(fighting) (yelling)
(whistle blowing) (yelling)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well that's our look
at teachers and students
but we really
couldn't close it out
without a word about
all those citizens
in various cities
around the country
who have consistently voted down
school bonds and tax
increases to support education.
- Right, and though
your tireless efforts,
here's some of the
waste you've cut
off our education's systems.
Teacher's pay
raises, hot lunches,
athletic programs,
more classrooms,
school health care.
These are just a few of
the unnecessary luxuries
which have been trimmed.
- Yes fellow
citizens, good work.
You have met the
enemy, and they are yours.
(upbeat bumbly music)
Yes we never learned a lot
And when we did we soon forgot
Those were the happy
deals of youth and promise
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Rah rah
- Oh, Mr. Price?
- Yes?
- Next to you, sir,
would would you say
is the most frightening
performer today?
(upbeat, bumbly music)
- Wayne Newton.
(audience laughing)
- Peter, I loved
you in Easy Rider.
- Oh, that was Peter Fonda.
- Of course, but you
were terrific in Beckett.
- No, that was Peter O'Toole.
- Yeah, well.
I'll never forget
your daring portrayal
in Topkapi. (audience laughing)
- That was Peter Ustinov.
- Well then I guess I just
don't know who you are.
- Oh come on, have one more try.
- Sorry, but I'm
just all Petered out.
(audience laughing)
Get it?
- No.
- Gee, Mr. Sellers,
you're really dumb.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Don't you hate it
when stars go on TV
just to plug something?
That's why I never let anyone
do it on my show, Dinah's Place,
every morning here,
over these same stations.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
(audience laughing)
There was one
thing I forgot to tell ya.
(laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Oh, Mr. Montalban, I've
always admired you from afar.
- Well I can't tell you
how much I appreciate
you keeping your distance.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you Italians
are all alike.
All so charming.
- Gladys, I am not Italian.
I am Mexican.
- Oh, well that's the most
charming kind of Italian.
Kiss me, you Latin lovely.
(gasping) Oh!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- You know what?
Today I told about
a hundred fibs
and I made 'em all up myself.
It was fun and that's the truth.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Mr. Montalban.
- Yes?
- Do you think I
would have a very
good future in a screen career?
- Well the screens
are very seasonal.
You look more like the
aluminum siding type to me.
(gasping) (audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Oh, Rick.
Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
(laughing)
Missed you down at
the swings this mornin'.
(laughing)
You know, Montalban,
you and I have
many things in common.
- Oh?
Name one.
- Well.
Let's not kid ourselves.
Gladys Armsby.
(laughing)
- I don't believe she's
on my list of conquests.
- Oh, that's the one
thing we have in common.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Ah, still readin' those
dirty papers, huh?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
Tap tap tappy Tap
away all your worry
In a hurry
Things can really happen
when you start tappin'
Tap tap tappy Tap
away all your bluesies
With your shoes loosey
Do your shuffle slaps
The onesies and twosies
Tap Tap Cares away
Stop Time Night
and day Tap tap tappy
Tap away all your troubles
Worst come up-les La-De-Dah
Ladies and gentlemen
Happy those tappies of yous
(audience clapping)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In News
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Simone Simone
in Walla Walla,
Eli Yale in Bulla Bulla,
Cole Bridges in Daly Daly,
and Savior
(crashing) in Pico Pico.
- This is Dan Rowan
here in Montreal.
- And this is Dick Martin here
in Galesburg, Michigan.
New York City 1972.
In bowing to pressure from
women's liberation groups,
the statue of liberty has
finally been remodeled
and is now braless.
(audience laughing)
- Braless.
Plans were announced
today to restore
some of the natural
beauty to what was
once Yellowstone National Parks.
Congress appropriated
funds to cover the entire park
with AstroTurf and plant
a thousand aluminum
Christmas trees.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been disturbed
severely lately
by an unidentified voice
heard late night singing...
(laughing)
- What were they
singing late at night there?
- I don't know, they're
all drunk out there.
(laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been severely... (laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California...
(all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California,
residents of this
seaside... (all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente... (all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
- It's a funny town alright.
Yes, San Clemente, California.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this, I see him...
(audience laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this seaside
resort community have...
(all laughing)
Dateline... (Dan laughing)
(audience laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been severely disturbed by
an unidentified voice
heard late at night singing
This land is my land
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
Ladies and gentleman
(audience applause)
- And now this final note: hmmm.
Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
I know we must have a
great guest for next week.
You're probably just
itching to tell us all about it.
- No, I think it's
just this wool suit.
- No, I mean,
you're anxious to tell us
about next week's guest.
- Oh yeah, we have
the world's champion
four man milking team.
- Well that's the
most ridiculous thing.
Why would anybody wanna
watch four guys milk a cow?
- They're not gonna milk a cow.
They're gonna milk an alligator.
(audience laughing)
- How could anyone
milk an alligator?
- Well first you get a
very low stool you see.
- Oh.
How could you stoop
so low to do that joke?
- Well, like I said, first
you get a very low stool.
- Alligators don't give milk.
- Of course not.
You gotta fight for every drop.
That's why it takes four guys.
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night fellas.
(audience applause)
- Do you know my
uncle got a divorce
because of an evening bag?
His wife found out about it.
- Dan.
- Yes, Patsy?
- You know that I heard
about this amazing substance
that's guaranteed
to prevent aging.
- What is it?
- It's called war.
(audience laughing)
- Allen, you're next.
- Don't get pushy.
I'll do it when I'm
good and ready.
I'm ready.
The guy who said a
rose by any other name
would smell as sweet,
should meet my cousin Rose.
Whoo.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
Whoops.
- Fender Norton.
- Fender Norton who?
- So the Fender
Norton laughs a fear.
(speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dan!
- Yes Patsy?
Is that Ruth?
- What's the most
important part of a chicken?
- What's what?
- What's the most
important part of a chicken?
- Whoa, no, not important.
- Attractive.
What's the most
attractive part of a chicken?
- It comes from San Clemente.
(all laughing)
- Let's hear it for Dan, folks.
Boy that was fantastic, Dan.
- You liked that?
- Bueno.
Very bueno Dan.
(singing)
- You know Dan, I'll never
forget the day I got amnesia.
(commotion drowns of speaker)
(audience laughing)
- Hey you know something,
I had a Weight Watchers
dinner the other night
at a restaurant.
And you know something?
While I was watching my weight,
somebody stole my hat and coat.
(audience laughing)
- You know what I think of
when I read about the ABM?
SOS.
Why is she laughing,
I don't understand it.
Gee, this is getting to be fun.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- You lied.
- This show was pre-recorded.
In fact this message telling
you the show was pre-recorded
was also pre-recorded.
The reason the show
was pre-recorded
was so that in case
anyone in the cast
made any mis-tooks,
they could be corrupted
before the show was shown.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but it
was too nerve wracking.
I think I'll go
join Max Tillman.
His home on the range
where never is heard
a discouraging word.
Expect when Miss Kitty says no.
(laughing)
Good night Lucy, do best neatly.
It be neatly, too.
I could never say no to you.
- Good night America, and
good night Mr. President.
Without you, Mister Agnew,
what will I do Mr. Agnew?
Thank you, Mr. Agnew.
Boop boopi do.
(audience laughing)
(applause)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Have you tried the
John Birch cocktail?
After one drink you
see red everywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
William F. Buckley cocktail?
Two drinks and he
can't tell right from right.
I got it wrong.
(audience laughing)
- There's a Mickey
Rooney cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're under the table,
but you're still standing.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Richard Nixon cocktail?
Two drinks and you
think you're President.
Three and you think
you're Vice President.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Lake Eerie cocktail?
Two drinks and you are polluted.
- From beautiful
downtown Burbank,
NBC, the Neurotic
Broadcasting Company,
regrets that greed
forces them to present
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Burbank's
favorite, Dan Rowan
and Dan's favorite, Dick Martin.
With tonight's
special guest stars:
Broov Kraufman.
Rolph Trump.
Freida Fellgard.
Glenn Fagencrantz.
And Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Allen Sues.
Lily Tomlin.
In spite of Dennis Allen.
Jonny Brown.
Ann Elder.
Nancy Phillips.
And the twelve tapping
toes of Barbara Sharma.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
speaking to you from
the heart of Burbank's
abandoned coal mine and
flaming eucalyptus grove
where young music
lovers gather to watch
Lawrence Welk rub Gary
Puckett the wrong way.
- Aren't you glad
there are white people?
Don't you wish everyone was?
(audience laughing)
- Hm, there goes
the white tornado.
Mmmm.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- [Gary] Ladies and
gentleman, Miss Dinah Shore.
(audience applause)
(fingers cracking)
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
Gonna take a sentimental journey
Gonna set my heart at ease
- What you see is what you get.
- Ah.
Mhm.
- Whoo.
- Uh huh uh huh.
(audience laughing)
(cash register bells)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Kiss me and I will change
into a handsome prince.
(kissing)
Well maybe it needs a
little more than a kiss.
(laughing)
- Forget it.
- That is tacky.
- It is tacky.
And highly implec-ti-ca-ca-ble.
(audience laughing)
(rapid tapping)
- Look out the tapperer
is tappering early tonight.
(audience laughing)
(rapid tapping)
Stop that dancing you yo yo.
- Ladies and gentleman,
the Mexican people
have many things to be proud of.
And one thing we
are very proud of
is that Rowan and
Martin are not Mexican.
(audience laughing)
Therefore it is with great pride
that I present Don
Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
- Hi I'm Curt Massey
and this is Martha Tilton.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, some wonderful
tunes for you tonight.
- Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Martin
& Rowan's Laugh-In.
- Wait, wait, wait, hold it.
- And I'd like
to say that the...
- Hold it.
- What?
- Hold it.
What Martin?
It's Rowan & Martin's
Laugh-In, my name comes first.
- Yeah, but you remember
how it was decided
your name would go first.
- I shall never
forget it, Richard.
We decided it some 18
years ago come spring.
- [Dick] Right.
- We decided it would
be listed alphabetically.
- Ah ha, I got ya.
See, I just realized Martin
comes before Rowan.
- Yes, but Dan
comes before Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Ah ha.
Caught again.
Well, as long as
we're on the subject,
I'm getting a little sick
of that 60/40 split, too.
- You don't like
the 60/40 split?
- No, back to the 70/30.
(audience laughing)
- Boy you're true.
You drive a hard
bargain you sharpy you.
- I really kind of have
you at a disadvantage.
- Why's that?
- I've always been known
as a shrewd businessman.
- Everybody goes around say,
"boy, Dick's a
shrewd businessman."
I better watch
myself around you.
- Well.
Now that I'm so rich, let's
go to the party and celebrate.
It's on me.
- Okay money bags, let's go.
(upbeat disco music)
- My agent told me I
should do a nude scene
in my next movie.
He said it was for art's sake.
Then I found out
Art was the producer.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Sharma,
that is an old joke.
- So was Art.
- That's two.
(upbeat disco music)
- Uh, excuse me Miss Elder.
- Yes?
- Oh, I didn't mean
to get too...
Do you realize that
we lose more people in
our nation's highways
each year than we've lost
in any war?
- (chuckling) Well golly gosh.
Maybe President Nixon
should ask for an immediate
withdrawal from our
freeways. (audience laughing)
- Oh, boy, look.
(audience laughing)
You know, I was just thinkin',
there's so much concern
about advising criminals,
you know of their rights, today.
I was just thinkin',
maybe it's time
we started advising
them of their wrongs.
(upbeat disco music)
- Oh.
Oh, oh.
I sympathize with
those people affected
by the rise in unemployment.
Believe me, I
know what it's like to
roam the streets
looking for work.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Nothing seems to
go right for my club.
Tuesday we organized
a mass meeting
to combat apathy, and
only four people showed up.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Ah.
I hate that to look at
me you wouldn't know
I'm a lion tamer, will you?
(laughing)
Look, all this moral
decay is really
getting to be a problem.
Last night I caught
my pet monkey
with a copy of the Naked Eight.
(laughing) (upbeat disco music)
- My grandaddy the colonel says,
that your honor is
worth a million dollars.
It's terrible how the price of
a judge has gone up lately.
That is tacky.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- You know the majority of
the population is overweight.
That makes skinny
folks a minority group
and man, I'm not ready to
be part of another minority.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I have finally trained a brain
that thinks exactly
like a member
of a President's commission.
Now, whenever I
ask it a question,
it says, "what do
you want me to say?"
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Last night I had
a fire in my house
and I grabbed my two most
valuable possessions: Audrey.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
Hi, Dan.
Dan, did you know that in 1968,
the Republican party spent
$12,700,000 on television?
- Seemed to me
with a budget like that
they could've come
up with a better show.
- Oh, Dan, Dan.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Imagine.
Me, Suzy Sorority
of the Silent Majority
with Freddie Fraternity,
captain of the basketball team.
Rah.
- I'm also captain
of the football team.
Star pitcher on
the baseball team.
And the crack quarter miler.
- Gee, Freddie,
you're marvelous.
- Yes, Suzy, I am.
- Rah.
- Suzy.
We've been dating
through two football seasons
and a track meetin'.
I want tonight to be different.
- How, Freddie?
- Do you wanna get in the back?
- No, I'd rather stay
up front with you.
(audience laughing)
- Suzy.
There comes a time
in the relationship
of a man and a woman
when they become
more than just friends.
- Rah. (audience laughing)
Freddie, do you mean...
- Uh huh.
Suzy, I wanna kiss you.
- Oh and you will
Freddie, you will.
Just as soon as you and I,
and mommy and daddy get
back from the honeymoon.
(audience laughing)
- Rah.
- Rah.
- Suzy.
Do you mind if I get
in the back by myself?
- I'll drive home.
(upbeat disco music)
- Here is today's secret riddle:
Why do camels drink so much?
That's right, to forget.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- [Gary] Once again,
Miss Dinah Shore.
(audience applause)
(piano playing)
Everybody Loves
somebody Sometimes
(upbeat bumbly music)
- "Dear Miss Armsby,
"Please honor the
request of a secret admirer
"and meet me today
at the bench in the park.
"The bench near the swings.
"I promise you will
not be disappointed.
"Singed, a secret admirer."
(clearing throat)
(audience laughing)
(light bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
- Please do not turn
around Miss Armsby.
- Oh your voice is
strangely familiar.
- I am often mistake
for Tom Jones,
or Englebert Humperdinck
depending on where
you want your dimples.
Miss Armsby, perhaps
you and I could steal away.
- (gasping) Tyrone
Nefhornai it's you.
And you...
You hoodwinked me
with this flowery letter.
- Oh, oh, oh, one moment.
Let reason stay your
departure, Miss Armsby.
Hear me out.
- Tyron Nefhornai, I have
nothing to say (gasping)
to you. (audience laughing)
- But a moment.
Here.
I have brought
sweets for the sweet.
Don't move away from me.
This is a new Hornai.
- How do I know
you can be trusted?
- Did I ever lie to you?
Be of good faith.
All I ask is that we
continue as before.
If you get to a hard
center, think of me.
(audience laughing)
Good friend.
A warm and gentle
platonic relationship,
just as before.
- Alright, just as before.
- In that case, Miss Armsby,
could I interest you in a
dalliance behind the downy?
- (Gasping) You
haven't changed, Tyrone.
- Neither have you Miss Armsby.
I
Prefer these posies
as a sign of my sincerity.
- If you're up to your old
tricks Tyrone Nefhornai.
- Oh no fair lady.
Trust me,
let us continue our
discussion on the moral.
Same time?
Same bench?
- We'll see. (audience laughing)
- The nymph cannot resist me.
I shall soon have
her hand in my hand.
And her face close to mine.
(smacking)
But first I must do
something about her ears.
She has the hearing of a bat.
(audience laughing)
- I think it's time to go home.
- Yeah, it looks like
the place is closin' up.
(laughing)
- As soon as Dick
gets here, it'll be time
for the Quickies.
- Hi there.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was out walking
my wooden duck.
- [Dan] Walking.
Isn't that a little unusual?
- Not really, I'm
late all the time.
- No, I mean,
it's a little silly,
a grown man walking
a wooden duck.
- Well I don't look
upon it as simply
walking a wooden duck.
I prefer to think
of it as trolling.
- As trolling?
- What?
- What?
- What a cute
little wooden duck.
What's his name?
- [Dick] Come
here, I'll tell ya.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, while Dick
reels in his catch,
you go to the Quickies,
I'm going to the toy store.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, shorty, draw.
(shooting) (audience laughing)
Oh, you're a fast little devil.
(audience laughing)
- Hi honey, I'm home.
(audience laughing)
- Are you kidding?
The man's an animal.
- Come on, Ethel,
stop complaining.
A man's got a right to
relax once in a while.
(drumming) (audience laughing)
- Hey, how long
have you been here?
- Well, let's see.
I've been here
66...
No, make that 67 minutes.
(audience laughing)
- Purse snatcher,
purse snatcher.
Purse snatcher, purse snatcher.
- Oh, Third National Bank?
Listen, I'm sick in bed.
This is a stick up.
Mail me $20,000.
(sneezing)
- Hello there can I show
you something, madame?
- (Chuckling)
Yes, I'd like to see
a pair of black
and white loafers.
- Why of course.
Harry, Willy.
They're really one of the
greatest loafers in town.
- We have have our Quickies.
- Hey, you wanna give me a hand?
I'm walking my wooden elephant.
- Oh that's stupid.
How can you possibly walk
a wooden elephant around?
- Well I don't know
but it's worth a try.
You saw what I got with
my wooden duck, huh?
(audience laughing)
(bright, upbeat music)
(piano playing)
Rhinos sing fa la la la
Hippos sing fa la la la
Alligators sing boo wah
But alligators don't sing much
(audience laughing and applause)
- Yep.
Can I help ya?
- Yes.
I'd like to report
a missing person.
- Male or female?
- Female.
- Can you describe her?
- Well she's about five
foot two with eyes of blue.
- Hold it, Max, she's
only five feet two?
- Yeah, but what
those five feet can do.
(audience laughing) Has
anybody seen my gal?
- Any other
distinguishing features?
- Well she's got
a turned up nose
and wears turned down hose.
- Flapper?
- Oh yes, she's one of those.
Has anybody seen my gal?
- Okay, Max, we'll send
out an all points bulletin.
We'll let you know
if we hear anything.
- Sergeant, one more thing:
if you run into a five foot
two covered with fur...
- Covered with fur?
- Yeah, diamond rings
and all those things.
You can bet your
life it isn't her.
- Hold it, Max,
one more question.
- What is it?
- This missing
person, could she love?
- Could she love?
- You know, could she coo?
- Could she coo?
Has anybody seen my gal?
- Oh, we picked up one
missing person today.
Barney, bring in
the missing person.
You see, she doesn't
fit that description.
- No, but it's close
enough. (audience laughing)
- Have you tried
the Hanoi cocktail?
No matter how many you
have, you never get bombed.
(audience laughing)
- There's a Christine
Jorgensen cocktail.
You have two and a
vice president attacks you.
(audience laughing)
- There's the Sophia
Loren cocktail.
You have one,
but it feels like two.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Myra Breckinridge cocktail?
Two drinks and you don't
know which way to go.
(audience laughing)
- Have you tried the
Raquel Welch cocktail?
Two drinks and you
win the daily double.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbling music)
- Blah, blah, blah.
(audience laughing)
- [Gary] And now,
Stranger Than Truth.
- Little Jolene Andrea Maria,
was a simple peasant
girl tending her flock
of sheep in the south of France.
One quiet evening as
Jolene gazed heaven ward,
a beautiful image
miraculously suspended
in the sky appeared above her.
Upon hearing the
child's strange tale,
Jolene's mother
assembled the entire village,
and on the following evening
they gathered in the fields.
At the appointed
hour the ecstatic
child uttered a shrill cry,
"I can see it, I can see it."
And so could everyone else.
It was the 8:15
commuter jet out of Lisbon.
(audience laughing)
- Tell me Dick, what
do you get if you cross
Lamont Cranston
and the Mona Lisa?
- I don't know, what?
The shadow of your smile
- Oh that's good, I like that.
(upbeat bumbling music)
(audience laughing)
- Princess, I'm a
handsome prince
and I have been turned
into a frog by a wicked witch.
Your kiss can make
me a prince again.
- Forget it, prince.
I fell for that
story once before
and all I got was warts.
(audience laughing)
(frog laughing)
- Then there's the
Smothers Brothers cocktail.
Two drinks and
you're off the air.
- There's a...
There's a George
Wallace cocktail.
One drink everything
turns white.
- There's the Aristotle
Onassis cocktail.
After two drinks you
become very callous.
(upbeat bumbly music)
(crashing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- One ringy dingy.
(audience laughing)
Two ringy dingies.
(audience laughing)
A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
Mr. Vee-dull?
- Yes, this is Mr. Vidal.
- Oh hello Mr. Vee-dull.
This is Miss Tomlin from
the telephone company.
- The name is Vidal.
Dal.
Dal.
- Oh, now don't
get fresh with me.
(audience laughing)
Listen, Mr. Vee-dull.
- Vidal.
- Look, if we can't come
to an accord on this,
I'm just going to call you
by your first name, Gory.
(audience laughing)
Now then, Gory, I
wanted to tell you
that I've just seen
Myra Breckenridge,
and you promised
me a part in the picture
and I noticed that it
went to Raquel Welch.
- No, she didn't get the part.
Your part went to Rex
Reid. (audience laughing)
- Well, que sera, sera.
(audience laughing)
Things could've
been worse, you know.
My part could've
gone to John Huston.
(laughing)
Now then, by the way Gory,
I've just read your latest
literary effort, Two Sisters.
- How'd you like it?
- Oh I loved her, hated her.
By the way, by the way,
I'm available for the
part of either sister.
- I'm sorry but we've
already given the part
to Rex Reid and John
Huston. (audience laughing)
And now,
now Miss Tomlin,
while I've got you here...
- Oh now wait a
minute Mr. Vidal.
You don't quite have
me there just yet,
you sober tongued fox.
- I want to complain
about a bill.
- Oh now, now listen, Mr. Gory,
your problems with Mr. Fibuckley
are of no concern to me.
- Not that Bill,
or just plain Bill.
My telephone bill.
I've been overcharged.
- Overcharged?
Well I'd say that's
pretty obvious
from the books
you've been writing.
(laughing)
Now, Mr. Vee-dull.
Hello?
(upbeat bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
- Kiss me again.
You know, you
kiss better as a frog.
(audience laughing)
- Why did I get into this?
(whistle blowing)
- It is time now for
the Mod Mod World.
Tonight's subject is one
that's close to everyone's heart.
- You mean transplants?
- No, no.
Hey, now you have
a boy, right, Cary?
- Yes, yes, tonight's Mod
World is my son Cary?
- No, no, it's about Cary and
a lot of other young people.
How old's he now?
- Uh, he's 12, goin' on 13.
- That's redundant.
Everyone who's
12 is going on 13.
- Yeah all but Bruce.
He's going on 19.
- Why is he going on 19?
- 'Cause he's 18.
- I would like to...
- Anytime you don't
understand those things
you just ask me
and I'll help you.
- You're just here
to help me out.
- 18, and then there's
19, and then there's 20.
- Well you know that
brings us right back to...
- 21.
- To tonight's Mod Mod
World, which is education.
You know Dick...
- Yes I know Dick.
- [Both] Nice fella, yes.
- His name is listed last.
Education has changed
tremendously since we went to school.
- Well speak for yourself.
I know it's changed
since you went to school.
You don't have to carry
the muskets anymore,
Indians are friendly
now. (all laughing)
- I'm referring to the
new teaching methods.
Today's schools even use
television in the classrooms.
- Well now that's
hog wash and poo.
- No, no, television.
- No, if those kids would stop
watching television
they'd learn a lot more
if they start reading those...
- Books?
- Books, books, that's it.
(audience laughing)
- Subject matter's
been modernized.
What do you think
of the new math?
- I wasn't too crazy
about the old math.
- And history has changed,
they've brought it up to date.
Modern historians have
learned that Columbus
did not discover America.
- Of course not,
he discovered Ohio.
- Columbus, Ohio?
(audience laughing)
- Any time you wanna
know these things.
- You're just here to help.
Education's an
important political issue.
For instance, what's
the strongest force
on campuses today?
- The National Guard?
- No.
The force I had in
mind was the students
demands for relevance
in their curriculum.
Students are involved,
fighting for academic freedom.
Protesting the war,
demonstrating for individual rights
in today's society.
- Don't they go
to class anymore?
- Most certainly they do.
Today's modern youth
is better educated,
better adjusted
politically and socially
then ever before.
Some campuses
even have co-ed dorms.
- Hold it there.
Oh.
Co-ed dorms?
- Why not?
They're healthy, normal,
modern young people
who share the same
interests, same philosophies,
same attitudes.
- Same room. (audience laughing)
- Sometimes, yes, they do.
- You wanna finish
up without me?
I gotta leave now.
- Where you goin'?
- Well I'm going back for a
little post graduate studies.
School days.
- While Dick rushes off
in pursuit of knowledge,
let's tale a look at the
Mod World of education.
- [All] Give us an
A, a U, C-A-T-I-O-S.
Remember the good
'ol days at school
Oh we hated 'em Recess bells
All school yells
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
What a waste of time
Grades were what we tried to get
Not education
We weren't bright enough
for student demonstrations
A, B, C One, two, three
Those were the good 'ol
days at school, remember
Throw a pass Cuttin' class
Those were the
normal days at school
You lost your book report
Crowded halls, classroom brawls
Those were the
crummy days at school
Call the principal
Only thing important
was to keep competing
Though we never learned a lot
We still learned
cheating Cheat and lie
Those were the good 'ol days of
Heavy homework
Those were the good 'ol days of
Tired teachers
Those were the good 'ol days of
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Rah rah
- Students of
Magnolia University,
those of you who know
what our country stands for
and those concepts
which we have fought for
and are indebted to protect.
Welcome to the
first class in our new
black studies program.
Now, let us start with
lesson number one:
pursuit.
- Mr. Duvil.
- Yes, Miss Letty?
- I am all in favor of
modernizing the new reader,
but listen to this:
"See Jane run, run Jane run.
"See Dick hop, hop, hop, hop.
"Man, he hops.
"Keep running Jane."
(audience laughing)
- What's wrong with that?
- What's wrong?
I've got six hoppers in
my class named Dick,
one runner named
Jane, and that girl
is beginning to slow down.
- You're in the national guard
and I'm student,
but we're both on
a campus for the same reason.
- Oh, you're trying to
stay out of the army, too?
- Right on. (audience laughing)
My foot.
- Right on.
(upbeat disco music)
- And of course teachers
are always complaining
that their classrooms
are overcrowded.
- Elliot Cozack, please
stop throwing spit balls.
That is you, isn't it, Elliot?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbling music)
- [Computer] Good
morning, class.
- Oh good morning Miss TM1341.
- I am Miss TM9983, your
substitute teaching machine.
Your regular teaching
machine is in the shop.
I will now give you
your final examination.
What is the capital of Poland?
What is the capital of Ethiopia?
- Oh, oh, wait a
minute, my pencil broke.
- What is the capital
of Luxembourg?
How much does Yugoslavia weigh?
- Wait, wait, wait, I
don't have a pencil.
I don't have a pencil.
- [Computer] Alright
class, pencils down.
Now for your math exam.
- Oh wait!
- [Computer] Take
out your pencils and...
- Wait, I still don't
have a pencil!
- [Computer] 3X
plus 3Y equals what?
(yelling)
- Stop that which you are doing.
Beep beep.
I'm a duly sworn
campus police machine
and I hereby apprehend
you for assaulting
and battering a campus
teaching machine.
You're under arrest.
Beep, beep. (audience laughing)
Listen, cutie.
What do you say
we drop the charges
and you and me go up to my place
for a fifth of oil?
Beep, beep.
(audience laughing and applause)
- If your grandson learning
a language at school?
- Yes.
But he better not
talk like that at home.
(audience laughing)
- Skills today are so tough.
Brass knuckles,
billy clubs and mace
are listed as teaching aids.
- The school I went to
was extremely liberal.
First they instituted a
black studies program.
Last year they began servin'
soul food in the cafeteria,
and now they're
even talkin' about
admittin' a black student.
(audience laughing)
- I was an unusual child.
My parents had to enroll
me in a backwards school
for forward girls.
- It's easy to spot a
progressive school.
There's always a
little old man out front
selling nude pictures.
(audience laughing)
- My idea of physical education
is watching Raquel
Welch do deep knee bends.
That's it.
(upbeat bumbly music)
Terrible clubs and ROTC
Cheerin' the team to victory
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
How's your calculus Honor roll
Varsity shows Close cut hair
Conservative clothes
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Sure the world is bland
Panty raids and barrings
were a steady diet
You know it's a shame
We never tried a campus riot
When we'd float We'd get drunk
Those were the good 'ol days
Of higher learning
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
(audience applause)
- Daddy, daddy, guess what?
We're halfway through
our biology class
and we're learning
how babies are born.
- Really?
- Yes.
We learned that
the two cells move
by the process of
osmosis to the amnion
where it matures for an
interval of nine months.
- Remarkable, what happens then?
- And then the stork
arrives and drops
the baby down the
chimney. (audience laughing)
- That's what happened
with you alright.
- Let's see.
That's a canteen,
a cartridge belt.
First aid kit, but what's this?
- Oh.
That's my makeup kit.
All three networks
are covering the riots.
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Want a little pan stick?
- Today many younger
children start their education
by watching television
shows such as Sesame Street.
We wondered how their
unusual teaching methods
might affect a
child later in life.
- One.
One, one, one.
Two.
Two, two, two.
- Nevermind, I'm out.
- Out, out, out.
(audience laughing)
- Now children, we are
going to learn reading
by the phonetic method.
Remember, A makes a sound "A",
B makes a sound "B"
and C makes a sound "C"
and so on.
Now, Phillip, read
what's on the board.
(audience laughing)
- T-He light-lee
lah-me prin-key.
- Wrong.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Fellow members of the
Jolene Brad Junior High School
Parent Teachers Association.
It's nice to see you all
came to the meeting tonight.
As you know, we're
here to discuss
violence on campus as
reported in the President's
report on campus unrest.
Now there are copies
of the report in front
of each of you.
I will open the
floor to comment,
but first, let me tell you,
that Vice President
Agnew has called this report
"more pablum for
permissiveness."
(clapping)
- We know that the Vice
President is not one of your
pusillanimous pussyfooters,
so they must be right.
- Ah, hold on right there.
That's a typical comment
of an effete intellectual snob
and I for one am not
going to listen to it.
- Let me say this about
that, now wait, wait.
- Look at how
the radiclibs react.
They're troglodyctic leftists,
all of them, to the last man.
- I've heard just
about enough from you
fence straddling charlatans
of peace & freedom.
(bickering)
- Hold on, hold on.
This is supposed
to be a discussion.
Let's lower our voice.
- Step outside?
- How can anyone
discuss anything with
one of you vicars
of vacillation?
- You criminal misfit, you
tomentose exhibitionist.
I'll show you who's
a vicar of vacillation.
(yelling)
- Let's bring this together.
- I about tired with you
forgotten Americans.
I mean you're a
moderator come lately,
and I will not tolerate
foolish obstruction.
(whistle blowing)
- Now,
let's let this rhetoric be
a little bit cooler than that
you nattering
nabobs of negativism.
You hysterical
hypochondriacs of history.
Back to the meeting
on the President's report
on campus unrest.
- You effete intellectual.
- Pusillanimous pussyfooters!
- Ideological eunuc!
- Come together!
Lower your voices!
Keep your rhetoric cool!
(fighting) (yelling)
(whistle blowing) (yelling)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well that's our look
at teachers and students
but we really
couldn't close it out
without a word about
all those citizens
in various cities
around the country
who have consistently voted down
school bonds and tax
increases to support education.
- Right, and though
your tireless efforts,
here's some of the
waste you've cut
off our education's systems.
Teacher's pay
raises, hot lunches,
athletic programs,
more classrooms,
school health care.
These are just a few of
the unnecessary luxuries
which have been trimmed.
- Yes fellow
citizens, good work.
You have met the
enemy, and they are yours.
(upbeat bumbly music)
Yes we never learned a lot
And when we did we soon forgot
Those were the happy
deals of youth and promise
Those were the
good 'ol days at school
Rah rah
- Oh, Mr. Price?
- Yes?
- Next to you, sir,
would would you say
is the most frightening
performer today?
(upbeat, bumbly music)
- Wayne Newton.
(audience laughing)
- Peter, I loved
you in Easy Rider.
- Oh, that was Peter Fonda.
- Of course, but you
were terrific in Beckett.
- No, that was Peter O'Toole.
- Yeah, well.
I'll never forget
your daring portrayal
in Topkapi. (audience laughing)
- That was Peter Ustinov.
- Well then I guess I just
don't know who you are.
- Oh come on, have one more try.
- Sorry, but I'm
just all Petered out.
(audience laughing)
Get it?
- No.
- Gee, Mr. Sellers,
you're really dumb.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Don't you hate it
when stars go on TV
just to plug something?
That's why I never let anyone
do it on my show, Dinah's Place,
every morning here,
over these same stations.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Kiss me and I will
become a handsome prince.
(audience laughing)
There was one
thing I forgot to tell ya.
(laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Oh, Mr. Montalban, I've
always admired you from afar.
- Well I can't tell you
how much I appreciate
you keeping your distance.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you Italians
are all alike.
All so charming.
- Gladys, I am not Italian.
I am Mexican.
- Oh, well that's the most
charming kind of Italian.
Kiss me, you Latin lovely.
(gasping) Oh!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- You know what?
Today I told about
a hundred fibs
and I made 'em all up myself.
It was fun and that's the truth.
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Mr. Montalban.
- Yes?
- Do you think I
would have a very
good future in a screen career?
- Well the screens
are very seasonal.
You look more like the
aluminum siding type to me.
(gasping) (audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- Oh, Rick.
Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
(laughing)
Missed you down at
the swings this mornin'.
(laughing)
You know, Montalban,
you and I have
many things in common.
- Oh?
Name one.
- Well.
Let's not kid ourselves.
Gladys Armsby.
(laughing)
- I don't believe she's
on my list of conquests.
- Oh, that's the one
thing we have in common.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Ah, still readin' those
dirty papers, huh?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
Tap tap tappy Tap
away all your worry
In a hurry
Things can really happen
when you start tappin'
Tap tap tappy Tap
away all your bluesies
With your shoes loosey
Do your shuffle slaps
The onesies and twosies
Tap Tap Cares away
Stop Time Night
and day Tap tap tappy
Tap away all your troubles
Worst come up-les La-De-Dah
Ladies and gentlemen
Happy those tappies of yous
(audience clapping)
- [Gary] And now
the Laugh-In News
with Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
and Simone Simone
in Walla Walla,
Eli Yale in Bulla Bulla,
Cole Bridges in Daly Daly,
and Savior
(crashing) in Pico Pico.
- This is Dan Rowan
here in Montreal.
- And this is Dick Martin here
in Galesburg, Michigan.
New York City 1972.
In bowing to pressure from
women's liberation groups,
the statue of liberty has
finally been remodeled
and is now braless.
(audience laughing)
- Braless.
Plans were announced
today to restore
some of the natural
beauty to what was
once Yellowstone National Parks.
Congress appropriated
funds to cover the entire park
with AstroTurf and plant
a thousand aluminum
Christmas trees.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been disturbed
severely lately
by an unidentified voice
heard late night singing...
(laughing)
- What were they
singing late at night there?
- I don't know, they're
all drunk out there.
(laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been severely... (laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California...
(all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California,
residents of this
seaside... (all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente... (all laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
- It's a funny town alright.
Yes, San Clemente, California.
(audience laughing)
- Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this, I see him...
(audience laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this seaside
resort community have...
(all laughing)
Dateline... (Dan laughing)
(audience laughing)
Dateline, San
Clemente, California.
Residents of this
seaside resort community
have been severely disturbed by
an unidentified voice
heard late at night singing
This land is my land
(audience laughing)
(audience applause)
Ladies and gentleman
(audience applause)
- And now this final note: hmmm.
Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
I know we must have a
great guest for next week.
You're probably just
itching to tell us all about it.
- No, I think it's
just this wool suit.
- No, I mean,
you're anxious to tell us
about next week's guest.
- Oh yeah, we have
the world's champion
four man milking team.
- Well that's the
most ridiculous thing.
Why would anybody wanna
watch four guys milk a cow?
- They're not gonna milk a cow.
They're gonna milk an alligator.
(audience laughing)
- How could anyone
milk an alligator?
- Well first you get a
very low stool you see.
- Oh.
How could you stoop
so low to do that joke?
- Well, like I said, first
you get a very low stool.
- Alligators don't give milk.
- Of course not.
You gotta fight for every drop.
That's why it takes four guys.
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night fellas.
(audience applause)
- Do you know my
uncle got a divorce
because of an evening bag?
His wife found out about it.
- Dan.
- Yes, Patsy?
- You know that I heard
about this amazing substance
that's guaranteed
to prevent aging.
- What is it?
- It's called war.
(audience laughing)
- Allen, you're next.
- Don't get pushy.
I'll do it when I'm
good and ready.
I'm ready.
The guy who said a
rose by any other name
would smell as sweet,
should meet my cousin Rose.
Whoo.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
Whoops.
- Fender Norton.
- Fender Norton who?
- So the Fender
Norton laughs a fear.
(speaking gibberish)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Dan!
- Yes Patsy?
Is that Ruth?
- What's the most
important part of a chicken?
- What's what?
- What's the most
important part of a chicken?
- Whoa, no, not important.
- Attractive.
What's the most
attractive part of a chicken?
- It comes from San Clemente.
(all laughing)
- Let's hear it for Dan, folks.
Boy that was fantastic, Dan.
- You liked that?
- Bueno.
Very bueno Dan.
(singing)
- You know Dan, I'll never
forget the day I got amnesia.
(commotion drowns of speaker)
(audience laughing)
- Hey you know something,
I had a Weight Watchers
dinner the other night
at a restaurant.
And you know something?
While I was watching my weight,
somebody stole my hat and coat.
(audience laughing)
- You know what I think of
when I read about the ABM?
SOS.
Why is she laughing,
I don't understand it.
Gee, this is getting to be fun.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumbly music)
- You lied.
- This show was pre-recorded.
In fact this message telling
you the show was pre-recorded
was also pre-recorded.
The reason the show
was pre-recorded
was so that in case
anyone in the cast
made any mis-tooks,
they could be corrupted
before the show was shown.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting, but it
was too nerve wracking.
I think I'll go
join Max Tillman.
His home on the range
where never is heard
a discouraging word.
Expect when Miss Kitty says no.
(laughing)
Good night Lucy, do best neatly.
It be neatly, too.
I could never say no to you.
- Good night America, and
good night Mr. President.
Without you, Mister Agnew,
what will I do Mr. Agnew?
Thank you, Mr. Agnew.
Boop boopi do.
(audience laughing)
(applause)