Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 4, Episode 10 - Episode #4.10 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(whimsical music)
- From beautiful downtown NBC,
The Rowan and Martin Laugh-In,
starring Dan and Dick.
- I'm Dan.
- I'm Dick.
- Hi!
La da dee da!
(singing romantically)
(bass drum thumping)
Nee nee nee, no no no
(speaking in foreign language)
- I didn't know that.
- And now a word
from our sponsor.
- Bye!
(comical music)
- Help!
- By Henry Gibson.
- Well, that's our show.
- Say goodnight...
- Dick.
- Hey lady!
Your sign fell down!
(audience laughter)
- Very.
(mechanical whirring)
- And now for the
second half of the first half
of Rowan & Martin's Half-In,
starring Dan Rowan, the
better half of Dick Martin,
with the second half of
guest star Bob Newhart
and all of Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
Plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancie Phillips,
and Barbara Sharma,
and introducing
adorable Glen Ash.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
and stay tuned for
Mervin the Magnificent.
(dramatic music)
(lion roaring)
(lion roaring)
(lion roaring)
(audience laughter)
- Mervin?
Even half of that
is magnificent.
(audience laughter)
- And now here's
a word for the wise.
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
And here is a
word for the stupid.
- I've just taken a picture
with the new Polaroid camera,
the camera that tells you
when your picture is ready.
- [Camera] I'll be ready
Tuesday. (audience laughter)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little, carefree car, Pinto.
(happy music)
(whimsical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(club thumping)
(man crashing)
(shoes clomping)
- [God] Adam, I'm going
to make you a woman.
- If you do, I'll never
speak to you again.
(audience laughter)
(ding)
(alarm ringing)
(ding)
Being on this show is
like being in the army.
20 years from now,
I'll probably look back
and smile at all of this.
(audience laughter)
And now, speaking of smiles,
here's smiler, Dan Rowan,
and smilee, Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
(intro music)
(audience applause)
I must have been
a beautiful baby
- Do you know what, I-I-I...
Shades of Loretta
Young (audience laughter)
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, you like that?
- I just don't believe it.
- Well, it's the latest
style, you know?
Midi skirts for men.
- Well, that I
understand, but you?
- Why not me?
After all, I am fashion
advisor for popular mechanics.
- The magazine?
- No, just some
popular mechanics.
- Some popular mechanics.
- You know, some
mechanics are very well liked.
I think it's the way they dress.
- I suppose so.
It certainly is
fetching, Richard.
- Oh, I knew you'd like it.
You know, I,
my tailor says
it's the last word.
- Who's your tailor?
- Elizabeth of Burbank.
- I see.
(audience laughter)
- Dressmaker to
discriminating men.
- To discriminating men.
- To discriminating...
- You know, I've heard
about dresses for men.
It's part of the unisex
movement, right?
- Oh yeah, my uncle used to
ride one of those in vaudeville.
- No, no.
Your uncle rode a
unicycle in vaudeville.
- No, he tried, but his
skirt kept gettin' in the way.
- Come on, Dick,
now level with me.
Wearing something
like that around,
do you have any
problems, do you...
- Well, on windy days.
- Bothered by the draft?
- No, the draft board
hasn't bothered me
since I started wearin' skirts.
(audience laughter)
You know the army, they,
no sense of style at all.
I did get a nice note
from the WACs, though.
- I'll bet you did.
I was talking about the wind.
Does the wind
bother you when you...
- Yeah, as a matter of fact,
a huge wind came up yesterday
and I got something that
really surprised me. (laughs)
- Really, a cold?
- No, a round of
applause, actually. (laughs)
- Not with those
legs, you didn't.
That skirt now, come on!
- (laughs) These are the legs
that made silk stockings famous.
- I can imagine that.
Cover them up,
people are watching!
(laughs)
Now don't you feel
a little silly in that rig?
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire!
(audience laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
- Yeah?
I feel almost attractive!
- Almost, you're just a,
I think you're making
a spectacle of yourself!
- Just a moment!
Just a second!
- You are, you're...
- You know, men have
every right in the world
to dress as they please.
- Well, I know.
- Why should they be chained
to the confining tradition
of a drab suit and tie, huh?
And furthermore,
it doesn't diminish
the masculinity one wit!
Hah, oh, oh.
- What's the matter?
- My false
eyelash just fell off.
(audience laughter)
- Well, I'll tell you one thing.
You'll never catch
me in a dress.
- Oh, I don't know,
maybe if I wore sneakers.
(audience laughter)
- I'll give you a head start.
(audience laughter)
I'll give you a head start
and race you to the party.
(party music)
- Woo!
Oh, I can't believe it!
Dale Evans! (smooch)
(audience laughter)
(laughs) Oh, my
gosh, your skin's so dry!
Now, you must be
bathing too frequently.
You know, Granny
always advised us
we should only wash
when we are dirty.
And then, only where. (laughs)
(party music)
- Overcrowding is getting
so bad in prisons these days,
even solitary confinement
has four to a cell.
(party music)
- My agent, Hugh Wedlock, Jr.,
said never yell at
a movie producer
because tomorrow he
might be the guard at the gate
and not let you
back in the studio!
(party music)
- Mmm.
You know, you women
had better be careful.
If you do get equal
rights with men,
you'll be subject to the draft,
lose all alimony claims,
and then you'd
have to snap towels
at one another in locker rooms.
(party music)
- Oh, Doctor!
Tell me something
intellectual. (laughs)
- I've just published
my new theory
on what will depress
the sex urge in women.
- Oh, and what is that?
- Marriage.
(party music)
- My brother, come over
here, I'm talking to you.
- Love to! (audience laughter)
- My brother decided
to join the army.
He had to.
It was either that or face
the fourth grade again!
(party music)
- Hey, Ann.
You read the papers.
Did you read about our California
governor, Ronald Reagan?
- Yes.
- Yeah, he says that he can't
get back in the movies anymore
because of the way
they're making them now.
- Aw.
- He says he's too old
to take off his clothes.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, it must be murder
showering in a blue serge suit.
I mean, he must really
ruin those brown shoes.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Woo!
Oh, my goodness, there's
such a pong odor in here!
(laughs) Check me, do you
notice anything offensive?
- Why, no!
- Oh, good, it must be you.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(stuffed animal thumping)
(piano playing)
When the buzzards
Come back to Back to Capestrano
Woo ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
We'll make a beach of
(drowned out by laughter)
(audience laughter)
- Hey, fella.
Wanna feel something exciting?
Feel that muscle.
Right there.
(ding)
Firm, huh?
Eh?
Feel that leg muscle, too.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Feel the skin tone. (ding)
Yeah, go ahead.
Now how about the
muscles in the face?
Real firm.
Feel it, feel it.
Feel good, huh?
Now go ahead, punch
me in the stomach.
Go ahead, punch
me in the stomach.
As hard as you can.
- I don't want to punch you.
- No, go ahead, you punch me.
You got nothing to be afraid of.
Go ahead, don't be afraid.
(fist thudding)
Now, how old do you think I am?
Go ahead, take a guess.
- I have no idea.
- Well, if I'd have lived,
I would have been 98 tomorrow.
(audience laughter)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
- Hi, sweetheart.
- [Woman] Hello, darling.
(smooch)
- What a day.
- Aw.
- Of all my partners,
that Herman.
I wish he would
drop dead tonight.
- Herman, Herman!
Every night, you
talk about Herman!
Can't you think of anything
for us to, um, talk about?
- What's a husband
gonna talk to his wife about?
- Love!
Can't you tell me your desire?
- I told you my desire.
Herman should drop dead tonight!
- Again, Herman.
I got all dressed up.
I put candles and
wine on the table.
I was hoping that maybe
something would happen tonight.
- Yeah, I wish something
would happen tonight.
I wish Herman would
drop dead tonight.
- Why?
What has he done
that's so terrible?
- What's he done?
Every week, he makes love
to one of my partners' wives.
- So?
- So, the next day he
tells the husband about it.
What do you say to that?
- What do I say to that?
- Yeah.
- I say, uh, Herman
should drop dead tonight.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
- Daddy's whole fraternity
stuffed themselves
into one phone booth.
Now, that's fun.
I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority,
and if you can't hear me,
I'll shout a little
louder. (laughs)
Rah.
- Hey, little baby.
- Hey.
- What are you gonna
do when you retire?
- Uh, I'm gonna do the one
thing I've always wanted to do.
- Oh, and what's that?
- I'm just gonna sit around
all day and drink! (laughs)
(audience laughter)
- All right, get that chest out!
That's more like it.
OK, now which one of you
fellas on the Beaver Patrol
remember our lesson on knots?
- I do!
- Good, then untie this one.
I ain't been able to get
this boot off for seven days!
(audience laughter)
Oh, let the dummy do it.
- I don't care, my
folks are divorced.
(comical music)
(springs boinging)
(comical music)
- One more remark
like that, Mr. Adam,
and I'm going home to mother!
- Wanna bet?
Say the secret word,
you want another apple.
- Oh, you!
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(comical music)
(package slamming)
(package smashing)
- Just think, if the telephone
hadn't been invented yet,
I'd have to do my act by being
on a primitive bongo drum.
- So what's wrong
with that, gringo?
- See you next week, Desi.
- Well, folk, now
it's time for tonight's,
for tonight's Quickies.
What in the world's that?
- That is a paper bag.
- Oh, that's a paper bag?
- Right there.
- I know that's a paper bag!
- Anytime you want
to know anything,
you just ask me
and I'll tell you.
- Yeah, well
that's awful kind...
- That's a pipe
and that's a tie.
- I, what's in the paper bag
that you're munching on?
- Oh! (laughs)
It's a little alfalfa.
I eat it.
- I'm a little afraid to ask,
why do you eat alfalfa?
- For speed.
- Speed?
- So I can maintain the
hectic pace in which I live.
- I see, and alfalfa helps
you maintain it, huh?
- Did you ever see
a slow racehorse?
- No, by golly, I never did.
- Alfalfa is all they eat.
- Is that so?
That's spellbinding,
just simply spellbinding.
- I also have some
seaweed in here.
- Sea, what's that for?
- Well, look at fish, see?
They eat seaweed, right?
And they're all good
swimmers, you ever notice that?
(audience laughter)
- You want to be a
fast, good swimmer,
you eat seaweed and alfalfa?
- Right.
Now, there's one strange fish
that eats both
alfalfa and seaweed.
- Eats 'em both?
- Yeah, he's called a humrunner.
- A humrunner?
- Yeah, 'cause when he
goes, he goes hummmmmm!
(audience laughter)
- That's a fast fish
there, that's fast, yes.
- Fast, you ever hear
of anyone catching one?
- Never did, never did.
What would you use for bait?
- Sneakers, sneakers.
They love sneakers, but
you've got to be very careful.
- Why is that?
- As soon as you
get real close to 'em,
they just go hummmmmm!
- That's the humrunner.
Well, suppose we
hummmmmm out of here
and sneak up on the Quickies?
- OK, hummmmmm.
(switchboard buzzing)
- OK.
Uh, aha!
Fire department,
emergency service.
Your home is going
up in flames, sir?
Yes, well, could you
give me your name?
Ted Mack.
The Ted Mack?
Ol' man river
Ol' man river (party music)
(phone ringing)
- Uh, Army Intelligence.
Uh, Baumgarten here.
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(Alfred Hitchcock
theme music playing)
- Time once again for
the Armchair Detective.
Here in reality, criminology
professor Ronnie Coward,
the man who solves crime
without even leaving his office.
And now, let's join
the Armchair Detective.
(audience laughter)
- OK, who copped the armchair?
(party music)
(mosquito buzzing)
(mist spraying)
(mosquito buzzing)
(coughing)
(coughing)
(mosquito buzzing)
(comical music)
(all laugh)
- Well, it certainly has been
nice seeing you again, Robert.
- Yeah (laughs) Bob,
you know we're gonna have
to get together again soon.
(all laugh)
- Well, thank you
guys, I'll see you later.
- OK, so long.
(party music)
- I'd like to take
advantage of your
European family plan tour.
- Ah, yes, sir.
You mean the one that was
advertised in yesterday's paper
offering three weeks in
Europe for a family of four
for a total of $100?
- That's the one!
- Ah, yes, sir.
That tour includes
hotel accommodation,
meals, and free sightseeing.
- Wonderful, here's
my check for $100.
- Ah, thank you, sir.
Now, how were you
planning to get to Europe?
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Judge, I'd like a divorce.
My wife and I have
irreconcilable differences.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
(purse thumping)
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't! (purse thumping)
- Yes, we do!
(grunting)
(screaming)
(audience laughter)
Do you want to see me get mad?
(party music)
- OK, boys. (camera snapping)
(party music)
- Harold, why don't
you ever talk to me?
All you do is bury your
head in the sports page.
That's all you ever think about
is football, football, football!
- That's not true!
- Oh, forget it.
Pass the bread.
- Pass the bread,
pass the bread?
Fall back, hut, hut!
(football game music)
- Boy, that kid woulda
made a great split end.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Remember, girls.
Most people are
caused by accidents.
(comical music)
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
- I love you so much, Nigel.
- I love you too, Cecily.
- Ooh, what would you like
to do this evening, my love?
Go to the cinema?
Go dancing?
I shall do anything you like.
- You know what
I'd really like to do?
- What?
- I'd like to spend a nice,
quiet evening at home
with my wife.
- Oh, how sweet, Nigel.
And if you change
your mind, call me.
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(bass drum thumping)
Good ol' man river (laughs)
He just keeps rowin'
along (comical music)
- Well, there you are.
Hope you liked the Quickies.
- Mmm.
They were OK but
they were no humrunner.
- Oh, come on, Dick, there's
no such fish as a humrunner.
- What do you mean,
you wanna see one?
- Yes, I do.
- You wanna see another one?
(audience laughter)
- I didn't see anything.
- Well (laughs), you ought
to pay a little more attention.
You just missed the Quickies.
- I saw the...
- Want some?
- Hummmmmm!
- Golly, I haven't had so
much fun since the day
I shaved a naughty word on
the back of my cat! (laughs)
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
- Attention!
All right, members
of the Beaver Patrol!
Today we're gonna
learn what to do
in case we get lost.
- Why?
- 'Cause we're
lost, dummy! (slaps)
- And time now for our girl
on the go, Nancie Phillips.
- Hi, Dick.
According to the
Marine Corps manual,
recruits are given instructions
in the difference
between a command,
which must be obeyed
without question,
and an order, which may
or may not be obeyed.
To clear up any
confusion in this matter,
I am here at the
Marine boot camp
where a demonstration of
this distinction will take place.
Sergeant?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Could you please
explain the difference
between a command and an order?
- Be glad to, little lady.
I'd like you to meet the
Marine recruit we're all proud of.
Frantozzi?
- Private Frantozzi
reporting sir, hey!
- Yes.
- Hi, hip, hey, ho, hey,
hey, hey, oh, hey,
oh, hup, hep, yep!
- Yes, at ease, Frantozzi!
Good recruit, Frantozzi!
- Thank you, sir, hey hey!
- All right, Frantozzi!
Tell this little
lady the difference
between a command and an order!
- Is that a command
or an order, sir?
- Don't get smart
with me, Frantozzi!
I order you to answer.
- I don't have to
obey an order, sir.
- I command you
to obey that order.
- You cannot
command an order, sir.
You can only order an order.
You may order a command.
However, when
commanding an order,
you must differentiate
between an order or command
at the time the order or command
is commanded or ordered,
as the case may be.
- Is that it?
- Yes, sir!
- Did you get that?
- Um, no.
- Well, that's close enough.
(audience laughter)
We gotta get to know each
other a little better, Frantozzi.
- Sergeant!
Don't touch me, Sergeant!
- (laughs) Come on
over to the mess hall,
I'll order you to a
hamburger. (laughs)
(audience laughter)
- And of course, that
proves once more,
a good recruit and a good
drill sergeant go hand in hand.
(comical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(shoes clomping)
(club thumping)
(frenzied chatter)
- Hi!
Hi!
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
- Remember, at Laugh-In,
progress is our
least important pruda,
uh, prudin,
remember, forget it.
(audience laughter)
- That, of course,
was Gary Owens,
Burbank's leading announcer.
- Is it true, in Burbank,
a ringleader is the first
guy in the bathtub? (laughs)
- That's two.
(audience laughter)
- And now, we return you
to the entertainment
portion of our program.
(joke rimshot)
(comical music)
(milk bottles clinking)
(audience laughter)
(piano playing)
Ahhhh - Woo!
When you're down and out
Lift up your heads and shout
I'm down and out
Hit it, (mumbles).
I'm bored with
cocktail parties (laughs)
I'm bored with all those folks
Did you notice my dress?
(audience laughter)
I'm sick and tired of telling
All those boring chicken
jokes (screaming)
(audience laughter)
A chicken bought a restaurant
(fist thudding)
and for three dollars, you
can get Southern fried Colonel!
(laughs) That's
feather-licking Goooood!
I'm bored with TV critics
And all those bad reviews Ooh!
But I'm never bored
with la da dee da
'Cause ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Here's Dan
And Dick
- [Gary] And now for
you old time movie buffs,
here's the news with Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin
and Rona Barrett, innuendo,
Jerry Lewis, interminable,
Martha Mitchell, incorrigible,
Raquel Welch, incredible,
Mae West, inconceivable,
and the U.S. Army in tents.
- I'm Dan Rowan on call.
- And I'm Dick
Martin on vacation.
- And here's the news.
A spry 88-year-old grandmother
surprised the medical world
today when she gave birth
to her own granddaughter.
She is already planning
to have another child,
which hopefully
will be a nephew.
- Washington, D.C.
Two members of the commission
formed by the president
to report on the
effects of pornography
were fired today for
incompetence, irresponsibility,
absenteeism, and
excessive giggling.
- Nothing to giggle about there.
- [Dick] Guess not.
That bill was,
they turned that back to
the committee, you know.
Dateline Manhattan,
researchers Bob
England and Ed Hewitt,
authors of the bestselling book,
Unusual, Exotic Love
Rituals, were married,
began their honeymoon in
the plush new Whoopie Hotel
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
Immediately upon checking in,
they asked room
service for bunk beds,
a set of barbells, a large
bowl of green Jell-O,
a trapeze, and an old
Woolworths ceiling fan.
It was further reported that
the bellboy has not
been seen since,
and no one seems to be
able to get the elevators down.
(audience laughter)
- There's a lot going
on at that hotel.
- [Dan] You would
know more about it.
- Yeah.
Dateline Pasadena.
Winner of the cross-country race
of smog-free vehicles
was announced today.
- [Dan] Who won?
- Well, first prize went
to Mr. Buffalo Foonman.
- [Dan] Oh, he's
in the news again.
- Back again.
He made the trip astride
his palomino pony, Margaret.
That's good.
Following his award for not
contaminating the atmosphere,
Mr. Foonman was arrested
for polluting the highway.
- (drowned out by
horse whinnying) news.
Here's Hollywood
reporter, Ruth Buzzi.
- Hello, gossip
grabbers. (laughs)
Busybody Buzzi here with
an item that's almost (laughs)
too hot to handle. (laughs)
What handsome Hollywood
actor with the initials RT...
- Rip Torn?
- No, is secretly...
- Rod Taylor?
- No, is secretly seeing...
- Rip Taylor?
- Would you...
- Regis Toomey?
- Is secretly seeing a married
actress with the initials LT?
- Liz Taylor?
- No.
- Lana Turner?
- Because her, no, please,
because her husband
won't stay home?
- You're kidding!
- Rumph Tralp is
seeing Larph Twunk?
- Oh! (laughs)
Big mouth! (laughs)
Now everybody knows! (laughs)
That's it from Buzzi. (laughs)
Remember, you didn't
hear it here. (laughs)
Kissy, kissy! (laughs)
- A big kissy kissy
to you, Busy Buzzi!
- Here's a public
service announcement.
The Sun City Senior Citizens
Thursday Night Wife-Swapping
Party has been canceled.
Instead, both members
decided to play chess.
(laughs)
(bass drum thumping)
- And now, here's
the Marquis de Sade
with a unique weather report!
- Bonjour, madame and monsieur!
There is a cold front whipping
down from the Northeast.
(whip cracking)
Gotcha!
And the wind will lash
the coast of Florida.
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
Then, the rains will
beat the Gulf of Mexico.
(whip cracking)
(whip cracking)
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
All in all,
it looks like another
beautiful weekend.
(whip cracking)
- And now, here's Big L.
Come on, little
fella, let's beat it.
- Hi, sports fans.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell! (laughs)
Well, tonight I
have here with me
international famous
bowler, Miss Shishi Bulwan.
Hi, Shishi. (laughs)
- How ya doin', Big L? (slap)
- (laughs) It's cute!
Now, Shishi,
you're known in the business
as a powerhouse bowler.
What's your secret?
Deep concentration?
Firm grip on the ball?
- I think mainly 'cause
I throw overhand.
- Aha!
(ball crashing)
- Ow!
You're so physical!
(bottle breaking)
- Oh, oh, I don't know
if I wanna watch that.
Say, now that you're a champion,
what are you going to do?
- Well, I figured I'd take
off a couple of weeks
and wash up.
- Not a minute too soon!
Now, I was wondering,
do you plan to get,
get married (fist thudding),
you know, raise a little family?
- Raise a family, nah!
Tried that once,
it ain't for me.
That rotten son of mine,
he ran off with my
matching rhinestone ring.
- Wait a minute!
Hold on, Shishi!
Is Shishi Bulwan your real name?
- No, my real name is Shirley L.
- Oh!
Oh, what's, what's
your son's name?
- Big.
(gasps)
I named him after my arm.
- Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Hey, wait a minute!
- Oh, ohhhhh,
Mom!
- My baby boy!
(bowling pins crashing)
- Oh, this is Big L
being crushed to death
by his long lost mother,
saying so long, sports fans!
Kiss the ring, kiss it babe!
- Here's a human interest story.
- Famous sword
swallower, Bimbo Rabozo,
met with a strange end today
when in the middle of his act,
an unknown assailant
crawled under the stage
carrying a huge electromagnet.
Back to you, Dan!
Ahhhh - Don't you love this?
Three weeks ago,
it was a dozen eggs!
Ahhhh La da dee da
'Cause ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks
at the news Boring
(audience applause)
(comical music)
(shoes clomping)
(comical music)
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Bob Newhart,
you attractive person.
(laughs)
You know what?
In your latest
movie, Cold Turkey,
you play a role in which
you try to prevent people
from stopping smoking.
You don't want them to stop and,
because you work
for a tobacco company.
- Right.
- I wondered, what did
you think of that role?
(coughs)
(coughs)
(coughs)
(comical music)
(Bob crashes)
- Ladies and gentlemen, it's
Mod World time, and tonight,
Laugh-In's going to look at
the weird world around us.
Take a look at this one.
Dick, come on.
What are you doing with a,
what are you doing
with a bunch of bananas?
- Well, Uncle Ed has a
birthday coming up, you know?
- Your Uncle Ed has
a birthday and he,
and you're sending him bananas?
- Oh, I'm, he'll be
so happy to hear that!
I'm sending him
50 pounds myself!
- Oh, well the 50
pounds I'm sending...
- Oh, that's a lot!
- He's really gonna be
up to his knee in bananas.
- Sure, I think so.
- He really loves bananas?
- Did you ever know
a gorilla who didn't?
- Wait a minute,
you trying to tell me
your Uncle Ed's a gorilla?
- That's funny, so is mine!
- No.
- Well, that's a strange story
of love and understanding
between man and animal.
- Is that so?
- You know, it all
began as a small boy.
- Who?
- What?
- Uncle Ed was a small boy?
- No, you're not
listening to my story.
- Oh, OK, I'm sorry.
- It all began...
- I didn't mean
to interrupt you.
- I hope not.
It all began when,
as a small boy,
an airplane on which
he was traveling
crashed one stormy
night on a jungle peak.
- Oh, wait a minute.
- The child, the only survivor,
was nursed back to health
and was raised later
by a tribe of apes.
- Dick, hold it, wait a minute,
that's Edgar Rice
Burroughs' story of Tarzan.
You're telling me
the story of Tarzan!
- Right!
- Now, your Uncle
Ed isn't Tarzan!
- Right, his name is
Tarzan, Uncle Tarzan.
- Uncle Tar...
- But he changed it to Ed.
- Why would he
change his name to Ed?
- 'Cause the apes
couldn't say Tarzan!
- They couldn't say...
- No, they could say, "Ed, Ed!"
(audience laughter)
See, not a trace
of an accent, "Ed!"
- All right, all right.
Well, where is
your Uncle Ed now?
- (laughs) He's just
hanging around outside,
waiting for his bananas.
- I see.
- Hey, Uncle Ed, let me show you
what Dan bought
you for your birthday!
- While Dick's out feeding
his Uncle Ed bananas,
why don't we take a look
at the rest of the
weird world around us?
Ed, that's true, I
can't say Tarzan.
- Hey!
There's that nut who always
wants us to go jogging with him!
Quick, run!
(comical music)
- It's a weird world when
some young men go to college
to avoid the draft and
end up facing troops.
(party music)
- OK, boys and girls, can I
have your names and ages?
- I'm Wally Sparnitz, age 15!
- Wendy Sparnitz, age 12!
- Willie Sparnitz, age 18!
We're twins.
- Ah, twins!
Now it's time to
judge The Marsupials
playing Don't
Squeeze My Soul Apart!
Let her go!
I kissed her on the nose
I kissed her on the
toes, yeah I kissed her
Wally?
Wally, what is the
score and why?
- I only give it a 95
'cause I didn't like the beat
and I understood the words!
- Right!
- And I gave it an 89
because I didn't like the words
but I understand the beat!
- Right!
- I give it a four because
I give everything a four!
- Aha!
And our average!
There it is, Twice a Week!
And here to play it for you
is Howard Koch
and the Aristocrats!
Here we go, boys and girls!
Let her go!
And a one!
- That was act number 450,
Dominic Schpetz, the electrical
carapidus from Sioux City
eating a jar of preserves
and humming out
his rendition of Trees!
(door slams)
- It's a weird world
when the electorate
hasn't got the intelligence
to pass school bonds
that would give the
kids the opportunity
to become intelligent
enough to pass school bonds.
- Good to see you again.
Could I have a
bagatelle, please?
- One bagatelle.
- Yes, and a panacea.
- One panacea.
- Good, parallelogram.
- Uh, I only have one
left, I don't have a pair.
- That's OK, that's OK.
Then, may I have a sack
of Manzetti and a tuba?
- A tube of what?
- That's right, a tuba what.
- One tuba what.
- Could I have half
a gram of Moses?
- Half a gram of Moses, right.
- Right, and a loaf of bread.
- A loaf of bread, what's that?
(bass drum hits)
- Ooh, wow.
A loaf of bread.
That's weird.
(joke rimshot)
- Recently, President Nixon
made a successful visit abroad
where he conveniently
discovered ancestors in Ireland.
This was so successful
that another trip is being
planned by the President. (ding)
- Well, Mr. President, I
think you'll like this lineup
on the new trip
you're gonna take.
The first stop is
gonna be Venezuela.
Our researchers have found
an ancestor of yours down there.
A great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather
on your mother's side.
Eduardo Benito Carlos Milcasa.
(audience laughter)
- Well, let me say
this about that.
I like that mucho. (all laugh)
- Well, from there we,
from Venezuela, we
fly directly to Israel.
We have determined
that, on your father's side,
there was, let's see, a
great-great-great-grandmother
twice removed,
one Sadie Nixstein.
- Well, let me make that,
let me (drowned out
by audience laughter),
one thing perfectly clear.
I've always started off each day
with a bracing cup
of chicken soup.
- Aha!
Well, now then, from Israel,
we go on to beautiful Sweden,
where our researchers have found
that there is a great-
great-great-great-great-grandcousin
on your mother's
side, one Helga Nixon.
- I love smorgasbord.
What have we lined up
for the other two stops?
- Well, in Scotland, we're
anticipating nothing but cheers
once they learn
that your, let's see,
your mother's great-great-
great-grandnephew by marriage
was none other than
McRichard McMilhouse McNixon.
That'll be a good one.
- Well, let me,
let me just say this about that.
(speaking foreign language)
- You certainly have a
wonderful accent, Mr. President.
(speaking foreign language)
Well, that about,
we figured that
should just about do it.
- We planned five
visits, that's only four.
- Well, sir, with those
four stops taken care of
and those ancestors
already taken care of,
we thought we
ought to cancel Africa.
- Ooh uh, let me
say this about that!
(tribal drums playing)
- It's a weird world when
people will pay six dollars a head
to hear some
millionaire folk artist
sing about how poor he is.
(springs boinging)
- So much for the
Mod World's look
at the weird world around us.
Wow, those bananas gone already?
- Yeah, old Uncle Ed.
He's really stuffed, boy.
- He's full of bananas, huh?
- No, he met this taxidermist
and how he's stuffed!
- That's terrible, now
how could it be possible
for your uncle to be stuffed?
- Just shaking hands.
- Attention, Beaver Patrol!
Today, Georgie is gonna give us
a lesson on how to core a bear.
Irving here is gonna
give us a demonstration
of what to do with Georgie
till the ambulance comes.
We're gonna miss you, boy.
- Uhhh!
(comical music)
(party music)
- Do you foresee a time
when computers will
be running the country
and politicians
will be obsolete?
- Oh, yes! (laughs)
Just as soon as
they invent a machine
that can break a promise!
(party music)
- Good knobbin'.
I have been invited to
a New Year's Eve party
being thrown by Barry
Goldwater and William Buckley.
They're going to welcome
in the New Year 1946.
(party music)
- Zahp!
I no sooner install a
telephone on my motorcycle
than I start getting
obscene phone calls
from Ann-Margret!
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Bob?
You are Bob?
Do you know the
Internal Revenue Service
has information about
everybody in the country?
- Gee, what if that fell
into the wrong hands?
- It already has.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Oh, I just got
rid of my agent.
I can't afford to keep giving
him 10% of my Social Security.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
(comical music)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
- Oh, Bob, I just loved
your new picture, Catch 44.
- That's, uh, Catch 22.
- That's how much I loved it.
I saw it twice!
(audience laughter)
(joke rimshot)
(comical music)
- Sing Me No Country
Airs by Henry Gibson.
Hello, the sky is yellow,
mineral rich and squinty thick,
and I'm lookin' kind of sallow
and I'm feelin' kind of sick,
and the leaves on
the trees aren't growin',
and the grass is turning brown.
And there's no wind blowing,
but that's how it is downtown.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(comical music)
- Hello, is this the
NBC props department?
Hi, Mr. Tebet.
We're getting ready to do the
Laugh-In Pre-Christmas Show.
Yeah, and I'd like to order
a few props in advance.
Well, first I'll need a
partridge in a pear tree.
You don't have a partridge?
You have anything that
looks like a partridge?
A chicken?
(audience laughter)
That'll look
ridiculous, Mr. Tebet.
The cutback?
Yeah, I saw the ratings.
I suppose we could
hide it in a pear tree
and no one would really,
you don't have a pear tree?
(audience laughter)
Do you have two weeping
willows and a palm?
(audience laughter)
The cutback?
Send over the palm, all right?
We'll fake it.
Next, I need two turtle doves.
Would I settle for
a couple pigeons?
Live or stuffed?
I'll take 'em.
Now, I know this is gonna
sound like a lot of poultry,
but um,
have you got three French
hens and four calling birds?
You don't know what
nationality the hens are
but they came from New Jersey?
(audience laughter)
Dave, by any chance,
could we use the peacock?
The cutback, is that right?
Well, we're gonna miss
the little fella, we sure are.
(audience laughter)
How about the
four calling birds?
Four parakeets that
say, "I'm a pretty boy"?
Fine, send 'em over, Dave.
The next one is easy,
it's just five golden rings.
It's not another kind of
bird, just five golden rings.
Something told me you'd
have five bronzed hula hoops.
I'll take 'em, Dave.
I still need seven swans
a-swimming and six geese a-laying.
It's just an expression, Dave.
(audience laughter)
They won't be on that
long, Dave, believe me.
(audience laughter)
You could send over
a dozen eggs? (laughs)
I don't have the time, Dave.
Look, this is ridiculous, Dave!
I mean, it's the holiday season!
You know, peace on Earth?
You don't have any peace?
And no Earth?
All you can give
me is the birds.
(audience laughter)
Same to you,
fella, and hurry up!
- Mr. Newhart, Mr. Newhart,
I'm Casmire Princeton the 48th.
You sounded upset,
so I decided I'd bring
the props over myself.
OK, team, 11 days
of Christmas, take one!
- Wait, uh, 11 days?
- [Both] The cutback.
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Chicken in a palm tree
On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to
me Two pigeons gray
And a chicken in a palm tree
On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to
me Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave
to me Four parakeets
Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave
to me Five gold rings
Four parakeets Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
Oh yeah
(audience applause)
- [Chicken] I am a pretty boy!
I am a pretty boy!
I am a pretty boy!
- Attention, members
of the Beaver Patrol!
I got two announcements to make.
First,
I want to announce that
the buddy system's
been goin' real good.
Second,
I want to announce that
Wilder and Ranselhoff
have officially announced
their engagement.
(audience laughter)
- Promise her anything but
give her a ringy-dingy! (snorts)
(comical music)
(comical music)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little, carefree car, Pinto.
(happy music)
(comical music)
- As they say down in
the shipping department,
that about wraps it
up for tonight, folks!
Say goodnight, Dick! (laughs)
- Not until I signal
my family goodnight.
- You signal goodnight?
- Yeah, you know
how Carol Burnett
always pulls her
ear after the show?
That's to signal her family
goodnight, you know?
- Yeah, I know that.
- I worked out a set
of signals for my family,
and first I'd like to say
goodnight to my Grandpa Filmore.
- I see.
(audience laughter)
What in the world is that?
- Well, Grandpa Filmore was
a railroad signalman, you see,
and most of the time,
that's what he does.
- I see.
- And now I'd like to say
goodnight to Cousin Fremont.
- Cousin Fremont?
- Now what, that's the
signal for Cousin Fremont?
- Yeah, he was in the Army
and that's what he
does most of the time.
- I see.
- Now I'd like to say
goodnight to Uncle Waldermere.
- Uncle Waldermere.
(audience laughter)
What's the shoulder shrugging
for Uncle Waldermere signify?
- Well, uh,
Uncle Waldermere
was a politician
and most of the time, he
doesn't know what he's doin'!
(audience laughter)
- Say goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
(audience applause)
I'm gettin' hung on this.
(audience laughter)
- A friend of mine
bought one of those new
waterbeds and it leaked.
- [Dan] No kiddin'?
- Yeah.
That's the first time
I've ever heard of
a bed wetting a person. (laughs)
(mumbles)
- Who's there?
(mumbles)
- Oh, nice to see you again!
- No, no, knock knock!
- No, knock knock!
(mumbles)
(audience laughter)
An apple a day doesn't
keep the doctor away.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah?
- My uncle ate an apple
every day for a year
and now he's in the hospital.
- No foolin', what
happened to him?
- He got hit by a bus.
- Oh.
- Oh, Nancie?
- Oh, what?
- I'm growing
carnivorous vegetables.
- That's strange!
- I'll say!
Yesterday, my
salad ate my hot dog!
- Oh!
- Sorry, Dan, I never
wanted to be in this joke.
I find it offensive.
- We'll have to mark it down.
Worst (mumbles) I've ever...
- (mumbles) Swedish meatball.
- Swedish meatball?
- If he doesn't come
up, I really don't care,
let's just keep going.
- I figured out a
way to divert money
from the space agencies
to the poverty program.
Get NASA to put a
poor man on the moon.
- Hey, what do you get when
you cross the cocktail hour
with Lamont Cranston?
- Five o'clock shadow?
- The Shadow, dude!
- You know, the president's had
so much trouble with Congress,
maybe he should change
the Constitution to read,
"Advise and dissent."
(laughs)
- Oh! (laughs)
Well, I'm, (laughs)
I've got some good news
and some bad... (laughs)
- I just heard about a spy
who was poisoning
New York's water supply.
- Yeah?
- What happened?
- Everybody remarked
on the improvement.
(all yelling)
- In all the time
I've known you,
I've never asked you this,
but how does your sister like
being married
to a ventriloquist?
- Oh, oh, oh, OK,
but every night she
talks in his sleep!
- What happened?
- Well (laughs)
I've got (laughs)
(laughs)
I've got some (laughs)
I've got some good (laughs)
Please stop!
I've got some good (laughs)
I've got some good
news and (laughs)
(audience laughter)
(laughs)
Oh! (laughs)
- Come on up to my room.
- What happened?
- Here's your purse.
(mumbles)
(comical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(gun firing)
(birds crashing)
(frenzied chatter)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(cymbal crash)
- Hi, honey, I'm home!
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(fist thudding)
- Very inter...
Esting, but crowded.
I haven't seen so many people
sitting around in one place
since Gisla's graduation party
at the Rathskeller. (laughs)
Which reminds me to
get in touch with Berlin.
Hello, Irving?
- Wolfgang, those imaginary
phones don't work. (laughs)
- Quiet, accountant.
Hello, what?
Advancing on all fronts?
Goodie! (laughs)
I'll meet you in Paris.
You bring Lily and
I'll bring Marlame!
(audience laugher)
- Wolfgang, that's ridiculous!
That's an imaginary phone!
It doesn't work, I'm an
expert on this, I'll show you.
There is no one on the line.
Hello, Berlin?
- [Man] Listen, accountant.
Tell Wolfgang to
cancel that last message
and change Paris to Argentina.
(audience laughter)
- I'm going to the bunker.
- Hello?
Give me the delicatessen.
Hello, Delhi?
(comical music)
(door creaking open)
(tin clanking)
(NBC tone)
(whip cracking)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(whimsical music)
- From beautiful downtown NBC,
The Rowan and Martin Laugh-In,
starring Dan and Dick.
- I'm Dan.
- I'm Dick.
- Hi!
La da dee da!
(singing romantically)
(bass drum thumping)
Nee nee nee, no no no
(speaking in foreign language)
- I didn't know that.
- And now a word
from our sponsor.
- Bye!
(comical music)
- Help!
- By Henry Gibson.
- Well, that's our show.
- Say goodnight...
- Dick.
- Hey lady!
Your sign fell down!
(audience laughter)
- Very.
(mechanical whirring)
- And now for the
second half of the first half
of Rowan & Martin's Half-In,
starring Dan Rowan, the
better half of Dick Martin,
with the second half of
guest star Bob Newhart
and all of Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Alan Sues,
and Lily Tomlin.
Plus Dennis Allen,
Johnny Brown, Ann Elder,
Nancie Phillips,
and Barbara Sharma,
and introducing
adorable Glen Ash.
And me, I'm Gary Owens,
and stay tuned for
Mervin the Magnificent.
(dramatic music)
(lion roaring)
(lion roaring)
(lion roaring)
(audience laughter)
- Mervin?
Even half of that
is magnificent.
(audience laughter)
- And now here's
a word for the wise.
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
And here is a
word for the stupid.
- I've just taken a picture
with the new Polaroid camera,
the camera that tells you
when your picture is ready.
- [Camera] I'll be ready
Tuesday. (audience laughter)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you by
Ford, with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little, carefree car, Pinto.
(happy music)
(whimsical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(club thumping)
(man crashing)
(shoes clomping)
- [God] Adam, I'm going
to make you a woman.
- If you do, I'll never
speak to you again.
(audience laughter)
(ding)
(alarm ringing)
(ding)
Being on this show is
like being in the army.
20 years from now,
I'll probably look back
and smile at all of this.
(audience laughter)
And now, speaking of smiles,
here's smiler, Dan Rowan,
and smilee, Dick Martin.
(audience applause)
(intro music)
(audience applause)
I must have been
a beautiful baby
- Do you know what, I-I-I...
Shades of Loretta
Young (audience laughter)
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, you like that?
- I just don't believe it.
- Well, it's the latest
style, you know?
Midi skirts for men.
- Well, that I
understand, but you?
- Why not me?
After all, I am fashion
advisor for popular mechanics.
- The magazine?
- No, just some
popular mechanics.
- Some popular mechanics.
- You know, some
mechanics are very well liked.
I think it's the way they dress.
- I suppose so.
It certainly is
fetching, Richard.
- Oh, I knew you'd like it.
You know, I,
my tailor says
it's the last word.
- Who's your tailor?
- Elizabeth of Burbank.
- I see.
(audience laughter)
- Dressmaker to
discriminating men.
- To discriminating men.
- To discriminating...
- You know, I've heard
about dresses for men.
It's part of the unisex
movement, right?
- Oh yeah, my uncle used to
ride one of those in vaudeville.
- No, no.
Your uncle rode a
unicycle in vaudeville.
- No, he tried, but his
skirt kept gettin' in the way.
- Come on, Dick,
now level with me.
Wearing something
like that around,
do you have any
problems, do you...
- Well, on windy days.
- Bothered by the draft?
- No, the draft board
hasn't bothered me
since I started wearin' skirts.
(audience laughter)
You know the army, they,
no sense of style at all.
I did get a nice note
from the WACs, though.
- I'll bet you did.
I was talking about the wind.
Does the wind
bother you when you...
- Yeah, as a matter of fact,
a huge wind came up yesterday
and I got something that
really surprised me. (laughs)
- Really, a cold?
- No, a round of
applause, actually. (laughs)
- Not with those
legs, you didn't.
That skirt now, come on!
- (laughs) These are the legs
that made silk stockings famous.
- I can imagine that.
Cover them up,
people are watching!
(laughs)
Now don't you feel
a little silly in that rig?
- Au contraire!
- Au contraire!
(audience laughter)
(speaking foreign language)
- Yeah?
I feel almost attractive!
- Almost, you're just a,
I think you're making
a spectacle of yourself!
- Just a moment!
Just a second!
- You are, you're...
- You know, men have
every right in the world
to dress as they please.
- Well, I know.
- Why should they be chained
to the confining tradition
of a drab suit and tie, huh?
And furthermore,
it doesn't diminish
the masculinity one wit!
Hah, oh, oh.
- What's the matter?
- My false
eyelash just fell off.
(audience laughter)
- Well, I'll tell you one thing.
You'll never catch
me in a dress.
- Oh, I don't know,
maybe if I wore sneakers.
(audience laughter)
- I'll give you a head start.
(audience laughter)
I'll give you a head start
and race you to the party.
(party music)
- Woo!
Oh, I can't believe it!
Dale Evans! (smooch)
(audience laughter)
(laughs) Oh, my
gosh, your skin's so dry!
Now, you must be
bathing too frequently.
You know, Granny
always advised us
we should only wash
when we are dirty.
And then, only where. (laughs)
(party music)
- Overcrowding is getting
so bad in prisons these days,
even solitary confinement
has four to a cell.
(party music)
- My agent, Hugh Wedlock, Jr.,
said never yell at
a movie producer
because tomorrow he
might be the guard at the gate
and not let you
back in the studio!
(party music)
- Mmm.
You know, you women
had better be careful.
If you do get equal
rights with men,
you'll be subject to the draft,
lose all alimony claims,
and then you'd
have to snap towels
at one another in locker rooms.
(party music)
- Oh, Doctor!
Tell me something
intellectual. (laughs)
- I've just published
my new theory
on what will depress
the sex urge in women.
- Oh, and what is that?
- Marriage.
(party music)
- My brother, come over
here, I'm talking to you.
- Love to! (audience laughter)
- My brother decided
to join the army.
He had to.
It was either that or face
the fourth grade again!
(party music)
- Hey, Ann.
You read the papers.
Did you read about our California
governor, Ronald Reagan?
- Yes.
- Yeah, he says that he can't
get back in the movies anymore
because of the way
they're making them now.
- Aw.
- He says he's too old
to take off his clothes.
(audience laughter)
- Oh, it must be murder
showering in a blue serge suit.
I mean, he must really
ruin those brown shoes.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Woo!
Oh, my goodness, there's
such a pong odor in here!
(laughs) Check me, do you
notice anything offensive?
- Why, no!
- Oh, good, it must be you.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(stuffed animal thumping)
(piano playing)
When the buzzards
Come back to Back to Capestrano
Woo ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
We'll make a beach of
(drowned out by laughter)
(audience laughter)
- Hey, fella.
Wanna feel something exciting?
Feel that muscle.
Right there.
(ding)
Firm, huh?
Eh?
Feel that leg muscle, too.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Feel the skin tone. (ding)
Yeah, go ahead.
Now how about the
muscles in the face?
Real firm.
Feel it, feel it.
Feel good, huh?
Now go ahead, punch
me in the stomach.
Go ahead, punch
me in the stomach.
As hard as you can.
- I don't want to punch you.
- No, go ahead, you punch me.
You got nothing to be afraid of.
Go ahead, don't be afraid.
(fist thudding)
Now, how old do you think I am?
Go ahead, take a guess.
- I have no idea.
- Well, if I'd have lived,
I would have been 98 tomorrow.
(audience laughter)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
- Hi, sweetheart.
- [Woman] Hello, darling.
(smooch)
- What a day.
- Aw.
- Of all my partners,
that Herman.
I wish he would
drop dead tonight.
- Herman, Herman!
Every night, you
talk about Herman!
Can't you think of anything
for us to, um, talk about?
- What's a husband
gonna talk to his wife about?
- Love!
Can't you tell me your desire?
- I told you my desire.
Herman should drop dead tonight!
- Again, Herman.
I got all dressed up.
I put candles and
wine on the table.
I was hoping that maybe
something would happen tonight.
- Yeah, I wish something
would happen tonight.
I wish Herman would
drop dead tonight.
- Why?
What has he done
that's so terrible?
- What's he done?
Every week, he makes love
to one of my partners' wives.
- So?
- So, the next day he
tells the husband about it.
What do you say to that?
- What do I say to that?
- Yeah.
- I say, uh, Herman
should drop dead tonight.
- Yeah.
(audience laughter)
- Daddy's whole fraternity
stuffed themselves
into one phone booth.
Now, that's fun.
I'm Susie Sorority
from the Silent Majority,
and if you can't hear me,
I'll shout a little
louder. (laughs)
Rah.
- Hey, little baby.
- Hey.
- What are you gonna
do when you retire?
- Uh, I'm gonna do the one
thing I've always wanted to do.
- Oh, and what's that?
- I'm just gonna sit around
all day and drink! (laughs)
(audience laughter)
- All right, get that chest out!
That's more like it.
OK, now which one of you
fellas on the Beaver Patrol
remember our lesson on knots?
- I do!
- Good, then untie this one.
I ain't been able to get
this boot off for seven days!
(audience laughter)
Oh, let the dummy do it.
- I don't care, my
folks are divorced.
(comical music)
(springs boinging)
(comical music)
- One more remark
like that, Mr. Adam,
and I'm going home to mother!
- Wanna bet?
Say the secret word,
you want another apple.
- Oh, you!
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
(comical music)
(package slamming)
(package smashing)
- Just think, if the telephone
hadn't been invented yet,
I'd have to do my act by being
on a primitive bongo drum.
- So what's wrong
with that, gringo?
- See you next week, Desi.
- Well, folk, now
it's time for tonight's,
for tonight's Quickies.
What in the world's that?
- That is a paper bag.
- Oh, that's a paper bag?
- Right there.
- I know that's a paper bag!
- Anytime you want
to know anything,
you just ask me
and I'll tell you.
- Yeah, well
that's awful kind...
- That's a pipe
and that's a tie.
- I, what's in the paper bag
that you're munching on?
- Oh! (laughs)
It's a little alfalfa.
I eat it.
- I'm a little afraid to ask,
why do you eat alfalfa?
- For speed.
- Speed?
- So I can maintain the
hectic pace in which I live.
- I see, and alfalfa helps
you maintain it, huh?
- Did you ever see
a slow racehorse?
- No, by golly, I never did.
- Alfalfa is all they eat.
- Is that so?
That's spellbinding,
just simply spellbinding.
- I also have some
seaweed in here.
- Sea, what's that for?
- Well, look at fish, see?
They eat seaweed, right?
And they're all good
swimmers, you ever notice that?
(audience laughter)
- You want to be a
fast, good swimmer,
you eat seaweed and alfalfa?
- Right.
Now, there's one strange fish
that eats both
alfalfa and seaweed.
- Eats 'em both?
- Yeah, he's called a humrunner.
- A humrunner?
- Yeah, 'cause when he
goes, he goes hummmmmm!
(audience laughter)
- That's a fast fish
there, that's fast, yes.
- Fast, you ever hear
of anyone catching one?
- Never did, never did.
What would you use for bait?
- Sneakers, sneakers.
They love sneakers, but
you've got to be very careful.
- Why is that?
- As soon as you
get real close to 'em,
they just go hummmmmm!
- That's the humrunner.
Well, suppose we
hummmmmm out of here
and sneak up on the Quickies?
- OK, hummmmmm.
(switchboard buzzing)
- OK.
Uh, aha!
Fire department,
emergency service.
Your home is going
up in flames, sir?
Yes, well, could you
give me your name?
Ted Mack.
The Ted Mack?
Ol' man river
Ol' man river (party music)
(phone ringing)
- Uh, Army Intelligence.
Uh, Baumgarten here.
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(Alfred Hitchcock
theme music playing)
- Time once again for
the Armchair Detective.
Here in reality, criminology
professor Ronnie Coward,
the man who solves crime
without even leaving his office.
And now, let's join
the Armchair Detective.
(audience laughter)
- OK, who copped the armchair?
(party music)
(mosquito buzzing)
(mist spraying)
(mosquito buzzing)
(coughing)
(coughing)
(mosquito buzzing)
(comical music)
(all laugh)
- Well, it certainly has been
nice seeing you again, Robert.
- Yeah (laughs) Bob,
you know we're gonna have
to get together again soon.
(all laugh)
- Well, thank you
guys, I'll see you later.
- OK, so long.
(party music)
- I'd like to take
advantage of your
European family plan tour.
- Ah, yes, sir.
You mean the one that was
advertised in yesterday's paper
offering three weeks in
Europe for a family of four
for a total of $100?
- That's the one!
- Ah, yes, sir.
That tour includes
hotel accommodation,
meals, and free sightseeing.
- Wonderful, here's
my check for $100.
- Ah, thank you, sir.
Now, how were you
planning to get to Europe?
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Judge, I'd like a divorce.
My wife and I have
irreconcilable differences.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
(purse thumping)
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't! (purse thumping)
- Yes, we do!
(grunting)
(screaming)
(audience laughter)
Do you want to see me get mad?
(party music)
- OK, boys. (camera snapping)
(party music)
- Harold, why don't
you ever talk to me?
All you do is bury your
head in the sports page.
That's all you ever think about
is football, football, football!
- That's not true!
- Oh, forget it.
Pass the bread.
- Pass the bread,
pass the bread?
Fall back, hut, hut!
(football game music)
- Boy, that kid woulda
made a great split end.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Remember, girls.
Most people are
caused by accidents.
(comical music)
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
- I love you so much, Nigel.
- I love you too, Cecily.
- Ooh, what would you like
to do this evening, my love?
Go to the cinema?
Go dancing?
I shall do anything you like.
- You know what
I'd really like to do?
- What?
- I'd like to spend a nice,
quiet evening at home
with my wife.
- Oh, how sweet, Nigel.
And if you change
your mind, call me.
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(bass drum thumping)
Good ol' man river (laughs)
He just keeps rowin'
along (comical music)
- Well, there you are.
Hope you liked the Quickies.
- Mmm.
They were OK but
they were no humrunner.
- Oh, come on, Dick, there's
no such fish as a humrunner.
- What do you mean,
you wanna see one?
- Yes, I do.
- You wanna see another one?
(audience laughter)
- I didn't see anything.
- Well (laughs), you ought
to pay a little more attention.
You just missed the Quickies.
- I saw the...
- Want some?
- Hummmmmm!
- Golly, I haven't had so
much fun since the day
I shaved a naughty word on
the back of my cat! (laughs)
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
- Attention!
All right, members
of the Beaver Patrol!
Today we're gonna
learn what to do
in case we get lost.
- Why?
- 'Cause we're
lost, dummy! (slaps)
- And time now for our girl
on the go, Nancie Phillips.
- Hi, Dick.
According to the
Marine Corps manual,
recruits are given instructions
in the difference
between a command,
which must be obeyed
without question,
and an order, which may
or may not be obeyed.
To clear up any
confusion in this matter,
I am here at the
Marine boot camp
where a demonstration of
this distinction will take place.
Sergeant?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Could you please
explain the difference
between a command and an order?
- Be glad to, little lady.
I'd like you to meet the
Marine recruit we're all proud of.
Frantozzi?
- Private Frantozzi
reporting sir, hey!
- Yes.
- Hi, hip, hey, ho, hey,
hey, hey, oh, hey,
oh, hup, hep, yep!
- Yes, at ease, Frantozzi!
Good recruit, Frantozzi!
- Thank you, sir, hey hey!
- All right, Frantozzi!
Tell this little
lady the difference
between a command and an order!
- Is that a command
or an order, sir?
- Don't get smart
with me, Frantozzi!
I order you to answer.
- I don't have to
obey an order, sir.
- I command you
to obey that order.
- You cannot
command an order, sir.
You can only order an order.
You may order a command.
However, when
commanding an order,
you must differentiate
between an order or command
at the time the order or command
is commanded or ordered,
as the case may be.
- Is that it?
- Yes, sir!
- Did you get that?
- Um, no.
- Well, that's close enough.
(audience laughter)
We gotta get to know each
other a little better, Frantozzi.
- Sergeant!
Don't touch me, Sergeant!
- (laughs) Come on
over to the mess hall,
I'll order you to a
hamburger. (laughs)
(audience laughter)
- And of course, that
proves once more,
a good recruit and a good
drill sergeant go hand in hand.
(comical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(shoes clomping)
(club thumping)
(frenzied chatter)
- Hi!
Hi!
(ascending slide
whistle playing)
- Remember, at Laugh-In,
progress is our
least important pruda,
uh, prudin,
remember, forget it.
(audience laughter)
- That, of course,
was Gary Owens,
Burbank's leading announcer.
- Is it true, in Burbank,
a ringleader is the first
guy in the bathtub? (laughs)
- That's two.
(audience laughter)
- And now, we return you
to the entertainment
portion of our program.
(joke rimshot)
(comical music)
(milk bottles clinking)
(audience laughter)
(piano playing)
Ahhhh - Woo!
When you're down and out
Lift up your heads and shout
I'm down and out
Hit it, (mumbles).
I'm bored with
cocktail parties (laughs)
I'm bored with all those folks
Did you notice my dress?
(audience laughter)
I'm sick and tired of telling
All those boring chicken
jokes (screaming)
(audience laughter)
A chicken bought a restaurant
(fist thudding)
and for three dollars, you
can get Southern fried Colonel!
(laughs) That's
feather-licking Goooood!
I'm bored with TV critics
And all those bad reviews Ooh!
But I'm never bored
with la da dee da
'Cause ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Here's Dan
And Dick
- [Gary] And now for
you old time movie buffs,
here's the news with Dan
Rowan and Dick Martin
and Rona Barrett, innuendo,
Jerry Lewis, interminable,
Martha Mitchell, incorrigible,
Raquel Welch, incredible,
Mae West, inconceivable,
and the U.S. Army in tents.
- I'm Dan Rowan on call.
- And I'm Dick
Martin on vacation.
- And here's the news.
A spry 88-year-old grandmother
surprised the medical world
today when she gave birth
to her own granddaughter.
She is already planning
to have another child,
which hopefully
will be a nephew.
- Washington, D.C.
Two members of the commission
formed by the president
to report on the
effects of pornography
were fired today for
incompetence, irresponsibility,
absenteeism, and
excessive giggling.
- Nothing to giggle about there.
- [Dick] Guess not.
That bill was,
they turned that back to
the committee, you know.
Dateline Manhattan,
researchers Bob
England and Ed Hewitt,
authors of the bestselling book,
Unusual, Exotic Love
Rituals, were married,
began their honeymoon in
the plush new Whoopie Hotel
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
Immediately upon checking in,
they asked room
service for bunk beds,
a set of barbells, a large
bowl of green Jell-O,
a trapeze, and an old
Woolworths ceiling fan.
It was further reported that
the bellboy has not
been seen since,
and no one seems to be
able to get the elevators down.
(audience laughter)
- There's a lot going
on at that hotel.
- [Dan] You would
know more about it.
- Yeah.
Dateline Pasadena.
Winner of the cross-country race
of smog-free vehicles
was announced today.
- [Dan] Who won?
- Well, first prize went
to Mr. Buffalo Foonman.
- [Dan] Oh, he's
in the news again.
- Back again.
He made the trip astride
his palomino pony, Margaret.
That's good.
Following his award for not
contaminating the atmosphere,
Mr. Foonman was arrested
for polluting the highway.
- (drowned out by
horse whinnying) news.
Here's Hollywood
reporter, Ruth Buzzi.
- Hello, gossip
grabbers. (laughs)
Busybody Buzzi here with
an item that's almost (laughs)
too hot to handle. (laughs)
What handsome Hollywood
actor with the initials RT...
- Rip Torn?
- No, is secretly...
- Rod Taylor?
- No, is secretly seeing...
- Rip Taylor?
- Would you...
- Regis Toomey?
- Is secretly seeing a married
actress with the initials LT?
- Liz Taylor?
- No.
- Lana Turner?
- Because her, no, please,
because her husband
won't stay home?
- You're kidding!
- Rumph Tralp is
seeing Larph Twunk?
- Oh! (laughs)
Big mouth! (laughs)
Now everybody knows! (laughs)
That's it from Buzzi. (laughs)
Remember, you didn't
hear it here. (laughs)
Kissy, kissy! (laughs)
- A big kissy kissy
to you, Busy Buzzi!
- Here's a public
service announcement.
The Sun City Senior Citizens
Thursday Night Wife-Swapping
Party has been canceled.
Instead, both members
decided to play chess.
(laughs)
(bass drum thumping)
- And now, here's
the Marquis de Sade
with a unique weather report!
- Bonjour, madame and monsieur!
There is a cold front whipping
down from the Northeast.
(whip cracking)
Gotcha!
And the wind will lash
the coast of Florida.
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
Then, the rains will
beat the Gulf of Mexico.
(whip cracking)
(whip cracking)
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
(whip cracking)
(laughs)
All in all,
it looks like another
beautiful weekend.
(whip cracking)
- And now, here's Big L.
Come on, little
fella, let's beat it.
- Hi, sports fans.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell! (laughs)
Well, tonight I
have here with me
international famous
bowler, Miss Shishi Bulwan.
Hi, Shishi. (laughs)
- How ya doin', Big L? (slap)
- (laughs) It's cute!
Now, Shishi,
you're known in the business
as a powerhouse bowler.
What's your secret?
Deep concentration?
Firm grip on the ball?
- I think mainly 'cause
I throw overhand.
- Aha!
(ball crashing)
- Ow!
You're so physical!
(bottle breaking)
- Oh, oh, I don't know
if I wanna watch that.
Say, now that you're a champion,
what are you going to do?
- Well, I figured I'd take
off a couple of weeks
and wash up.
- Not a minute too soon!
Now, I was wondering,
do you plan to get,
get married (fist thudding),
you know, raise a little family?
- Raise a family, nah!
Tried that once,
it ain't for me.
That rotten son of mine,
he ran off with my
matching rhinestone ring.
- Wait a minute!
Hold on, Shishi!
Is Shishi Bulwan your real name?
- No, my real name is Shirley L.
- Oh!
Oh, what's, what's
your son's name?
- Big.
(gasps)
I named him after my arm.
- Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Hey, wait a minute!
- Oh, ohhhhh,
Mom!
- My baby boy!
(bowling pins crashing)
- Oh, this is Big L
being crushed to death
by his long lost mother,
saying so long, sports fans!
Kiss the ring, kiss it babe!
- Here's a human interest story.
- Famous sword
swallower, Bimbo Rabozo,
met with a strange end today
when in the middle of his act,
an unknown assailant
crawled under the stage
carrying a huge electromagnet.
Back to you, Dan!
Ahhhh - Don't you love this?
Three weeks ago,
it was a dozen eggs!
Ahhhh La da dee da
'Cause ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks
at the news Boring
(audience applause)
(comical music)
(shoes clomping)
(comical music)
(audience laughter)
- Oh, Bob Newhart,
you attractive person.
(laughs)
You know what?
In your latest
movie, Cold Turkey,
you play a role in which
you try to prevent people
from stopping smoking.
You don't want them to stop and,
because you work
for a tobacco company.
- Right.
- I wondered, what did
you think of that role?
(coughs)
(coughs)
(coughs)
(comical music)
(Bob crashes)
- Ladies and gentlemen, it's
Mod World time, and tonight,
Laugh-In's going to look at
the weird world around us.
Take a look at this one.
Dick, come on.
What are you doing with a,
what are you doing
with a bunch of bananas?
- Well, Uncle Ed has a
birthday coming up, you know?
- Your Uncle Ed has
a birthday and he,
and you're sending him bananas?
- Oh, I'm, he'll be
so happy to hear that!
I'm sending him
50 pounds myself!
- Oh, well the 50
pounds I'm sending...
- Oh, that's a lot!
- He's really gonna be
up to his knee in bananas.
- Sure, I think so.
- He really loves bananas?
- Did you ever know
a gorilla who didn't?
- Wait a minute,
you trying to tell me
your Uncle Ed's a gorilla?
- That's funny, so is mine!
- No.
- Well, that's a strange story
of love and understanding
between man and animal.
- Is that so?
- You know, it all
began as a small boy.
- Who?
- What?
- Uncle Ed was a small boy?
- No, you're not
listening to my story.
- Oh, OK, I'm sorry.
- It all began...
- I didn't mean
to interrupt you.
- I hope not.
It all began when,
as a small boy,
an airplane on which
he was traveling
crashed one stormy
night on a jungle peak.
- Oh, wait a minute.
- The child, the only survivor,
was nursed back to health
and was raised later
by a tribe of apes.
- Dick, hold it, wait a minute,
that's Edgar Rice
Burroughs' story of Tarzan.
You're telling me
the story of Tarzan!
- Right!
- Now, your Uncle
Ed isn't Tarzan!
- Right, his name is
Tarzan, Uncle Tarzan.
- Uncle Tar...
- But he changed it to Ed.
- Why would he
change his name to Ed?
- 'Cause the apes
couldn't say Tarzan!
- They couldn't say...
- No, they could say, "Ed, Ed!"
(audience laughter)
See, not a trace
of an accent, "Ed!"
- All right, all right.
Well, where is
your Uncle Ed now?
- (laughs) He's just
hanging around outside,
waiting for his bananas.
- I see.
- Hey, Uncle Ed, let me show you
what Dan bought
you for your birthday!
- While Dick's out feeding
his Uncle Ed bananas,
why don't we take a look
at the rest of the
weird world around us?
Ed, that's true, I
can't say Tarzan.
- Hey!
There's that nut who always
wants us to go jogging with him!
Quick, run!
(comical music)
- It's a weird world when
some young men go to college
to avoid the draft and
end up facing troops.
(party music)
- OK, boys and girls, can I
have your names and ages?
- I'm Wally Sparnitz, age 15!
- Wendy Sparnitz, age 12!
- Willie Sparnitz, age 18!
We're twins.
- Ah, twins!
Now it's time to
judge The Marsupials
playing Don't
Squeeze My Soul Apart!
Let her go!
I kissed her on the nose
I kissed her on the
toes, yeah I kissed her
Wally?
Wally, what is the
score and why?
- I only give it a 95
'cause I didn't like the beat
and I understood the words!
- Right!
- And I gave it an 89
because I didn't like the words
but I understand the beat!
- Right!
- I give it a four because
I give everything a four!
- Aha!
And our average!
There it is, Twice a Week!
And here to play it for you
is Howard Koch
and the Aristocrats!
Here we go, boys and girls!
Let her go!
And a one!
- That was act number 450,
Dominic Schpetz, the electrical
carapidus from Sioux City
eating a jar of preserves
and humming out
his rendition of Trees!
(door slams)
- It's a weird world
when the electorate
hasn't got the intelligence
to pass school bonds
that would give the
kids the opportunity
to become intelligent
enough to pass school bonds.
- Good to see you again.
Could I have a
bagatelle, please?
- One bagatelle.
- Yes, and a panacea.
- One panacea.
- Good, parallelogram.
- Uh, I only have one
left, I don't have a pair.
- That's OK, that's OK.
Then, may I have a sack
of Manzetti and a tuba?
- A tube of what?
- That's right, a tuba what.
- One tuba what.
- Could I have half
a gram of Moses?
- Half a gram of Moses, right.
- Right, and a loaf of bread.
- A loaf of bread, what's that?
(bass drum hits)
- Ooh, wow.
A loaf of bread.
That's weird.
(joke rimshot)
- Recently, President Nixon
made a successful visit abroad
where he conveniently
discovered ancestors in Ireland.
This was so successful
that another trip is being
planned by the President. (ding)
- Well, Mr. President, I
think you'll like this lineup
on the new trip
you're gonna take.
The first stop is
gonna be Venezuela.
Our researchers have found
an ancestor of yours down there.
A great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather
on your mother's side.
Eduardo Benito Carlos Milcasa.
(audience laughter)
- Well, let me say
this about that.
I like that mucho. (all laugh)
- Well, from there we,
from Venezuela, we
fly directly to Israel.
We have determined
that, on your father's side,
there was, let's see, a
great-great-great-grandmother
twice removed,
one Sadie Nixstein.
- Well, let me make that,
let me (drowned out
by audience laughter),
one thing perfectly clear.
I've always started off each day
with a bracing cup
of chicken soup.
- Aha!
Well, now then, from Israel,
we go on to beautiful Sweden,
where our researchers have found
that there is a great-
great-great-great-great-grandcousin
on your mother's
side, one Helga Nixon.
- I love smorgasbord.
What have we lined up
for the other two stops?
- Well, in Scotland, we're
anticipating nothing but cheers
once they learn
that your, let's see,
your mother's great-great-
great-grandnephew by marriage
was none other than
McRichard McMilhouse McNixon.
That'll be a good one.
- Well, let me,
let me just say this about that.
(speaking foreign language)
- You certainly have a
wonderful accent, Mr. President.
(speaking foreign language)
Well, that about,
we figured that
should just about do it.
- We planned five
visits, that's only four.
- Well, sir, with those
four stops taken care of
and those ancestors
already taken care of,
we thought we
ought to cancel Africa.
- Ooh uh, let me
say this about that!
(tribal drums playing)
- It's a weird world when
people will pay six dollars a head
to hear some
millionaire folk artist
sing about how poor he is.
(springs boinging)
- So much for the
Mod World's look
at the weird world around us.
Wow, those bananas gone already?
- Yeah, old Uncle Ed.
He's really stuffed, boy.
- He's full of bananas, huh?
- No, he met this taxidermist
and how he's stuffed!
- That's terrible, now
how could it be possible
for your uncle to be stuffed?
- Just shaking hands.
- Attention, Beaver Patrol!
Today, Georgie is gonna give us
a lesson on how to core a bear.
Irving here is gonna
give us a demonstration
of what to do with Georgie
till the ambulance comes.
We're gonna miss you, boy.
- Uhhh!
(comical music)
(party music)
- Do you foresee a time
when computers will
be running the country
and politicians
will be obsolete?
- Oh, yes! (laughs)
Just as soon as
they invent a machine
that can break a promise!
(party music)
- Good knobbin'.
I have been invited to
a New Year's Eve party
being thrown by Barry
Goldwater and William Buckley.
They're going to welcome
in the New Year 1946.
(party music)
- Zahp!
I no sooner install a
telephone on my motorcycle
than I start getting
obscene phone calls
from Ann-Margret!
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Bob?
You are Bob?
Do you know the
Internal Revenue Service
has information about
everybody in the country?
- Gee, what if that fell
into the wrong hands?
- It already has.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
- Oh, I just got
rid of my agent.
I can't afford to keep giving
him 10% of my Social Security.
(audience laughter)
(party music)
(comical music)
(descending slide
whistle playing)
- Oh, Bob, I just loved
your new picture, Catch 44.
- That's, uh, Catch 22.
- That's how much I loved it.
I saw it twice!
(audience laughter)
(joke rimshot)
(comical music)
- Sing Me No Country
Airs by Henry Gibson.
Hello, the sky is yellow,
mineral rich and squinty thick,
and I'm lookin' kind of sallow
and I'm feelin' kind of sick,
and the leaves on
the trees aren't growin',
and the grass is turning brown.
And there's no wind blowing,
but that's how it is downtown.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(comical music)
- Hello, is this the
NBC props department?
Hi, Mr. Tebet.
We're getting ready to do the
Laugh-In Pre-Christmas Show.
Yeah, and I'd like to order
a few props in advance.
Well, first I'll need a
partridge in a pear tree.
You don't have a partridge?
You have anything that
looks like a partridge?
A chicken?
(audience laughter)
That'll look
ridiculous, Mr. Tebet.
The cutback?
Yeah, I saw the ratings.
I suppose we could
hide it in a pear tree
and no one would really,
you don't have a pear tree?
(audience laughter)
Do you have two weeping
willows and a palm?
(audience laughter)
The cutback?
Send over the palm, all right?
We'll fake it.
Next, I need two turtle doves.
Would I settle for
a couple pigeons?
Live or stuffed?
I'll take 'em.
Now, I know this is gonna
sound like a lot of poultry,
but um,
have you got three French
hens and four calling birds?
You don't know what
nationality the hens are
but they came from New Jersey?
(audience laughter)
Dave, by any chance,
could we use the peacock?
The cutback, is that right?
Well, we're gonna miss
the little fella, we sure are.
(audience laughter)
How about the
four calling birds?
Four parakeets that
say, "I'm a pretty boy"?
Fine, send 'em over, Dave.
The next one is easy,
it's just five golden rings.
It's not another kind of
bird, just five golden rings.
Something told me you'd
have five bronzed hula hoops.
I'll take 'em, Dave.
I still need seven swans
a-swimming and six geese a-laying.
It's just an expression, Dave.
(audience laughter)
They won't be on that
long, Dave, believe me.
(audience laughter)
You could send over
a dozen eggs? (laughs)
I don't have the time, Dave.
Look, this is ridiculous, Dave!
I mean, it's the holiday season!
You know, peace on Earth?
You don't have any peace?
And no Earth?
All you can give
me is the birds.
(audience laughter)
Same to you,
fella, and hurry up!
- Mr. Newhart, Mr. Newhart,
I'm Casmire Princeton the 48th.
You sounded upset,
so I decided I'd bring
the props over myself.
OK, team, 11 days
of Christmas, take one!
- Wait, uh, 11 days?
- [Both] The cutback.
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Chicken in a palm tree
On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to
me Two pigeons gray
And a chicken in a palm tree
On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to
me Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave
to me Four parakeets
Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave
to me Five gold rings
Four parakeets Three Jersey hens
Two pigeons gray
Chicken in a palm tree
Oh yeah
(audience applause)
- [Chicken] I am a pretty boy!
I am a pretty boy!
I am a pretty boy!
- Attention, members
of the Beaver Patrol!
I got two announcements to make.
First,
I want to announce that
the buddy system's
been goin' real good.
Second,
I want to announce that
Wilder and Ranselhoff
have officially announced
their engagement.
(audience laughter)
- Promise her anything but
give her a ringy-dingy! (snorts)
(comical music)
(comical music)
- [Gary] Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by Ford,
with the better
idea cars for 1971,
including the new,
little, carefree car, Pinto.
(happy music)
(comical music)
- As they say down in
the shipping department,
that about wraps it
up for tonight, folks!
Say goodnight, Dick! (laughs)
- Not until I signal
my family goodnight.
- You signal goodnight?
- Yeah, you know
how Carol Burnett
always pulls her
ear after the show?
That's to signal her family
goodnight, you know?
- Yeah, I know that.
- I worked out a set
of signals for my family,
and first I'd like to say
goodnight to my Grandpa Filmore.
- I see.
(audience laughter)
What in the world is that?
- Well, Grandpa Filmore was
a railroad signalman, you see,
and most of the time,
that's what he does.
- I see.
- And now I'd like to say
goodnight to Cousin Fremont.
- Cousin Fremont?
- Now what, that's the
signal for Cousin Fremont?
- Yeah, he was in the Army
and that's what he
does most of the time.
- I see.
- Now I'd like to say
goodnight to Uncle Waldermere.
- Uncle Waldermere.
(audience laughter)
What's the shoulder shrugging
for Uncle Waldermere signify?
- Well, uh,
Uncle Waldermere
was a politician
and most of the time, he
doesn't know what he's doin'!
(audience laughter)
- Say goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick!
(audience applause)
I'm gettin' hung on this.
(audience laughter)
- A friend of mine
bought one of those new
waterbeds and it leaked.
- [Dan] No kiddin'?
- Yeah.
That's the first time
I've ever heard of
a bed wetting a person. (laughs)
(mumbles)
- Who's there?
(mumbles)
- Oh, nice to see you again!
- No, no, knock knock!
- No, knock knock!
(mumbles)
(audience laughter)
An apple a day doesn't
keep the doctor away.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah?
- My uncle ate an apple
every day for a year
and now he's in the hospital.
- No foolin', what
happened to him?
- He got hit by a bus.
- Oh.
- Oh, Nancie?
- Oh, what?
- I'm growing
carnivorous vegetables.
- That's strange!
- I'll say!
Yesterday, my
salad ate my hot dog!
- Oh!
- Sorry, Dan, I never
wanted to be in this joke.
I find it offensive.
- We'll have to mark it down.
Worst (mumbles) I've ever...
- (mumbles) Swedish meatball.
- Swedish meatball?
- If he doesn't come
up, I really don't care,
let's just keep going.
- I figured out a
way to divert money
from the space agencies
to the poverty program.
Get NASA to put a
poor man on the moon.
- Hey, what do you get when
you cross the cocktail hour
with Lamont Cranston?
- Five o'clock shadow?
- The Shadow, dude!
- You know, the president's had
so much trouble with Congress,
maybe he should change
the Constitution to read,
"Advise and dissent."
(laughs)
- Oh! (laughs)
Well, I'm, (laughs)
I've got some good news
and some bad... (laughs)
- I just heard about a spy
who was poisoning
New York's water supply.
- Yeah?
- What happened?
- Everybody remarked
on the improvement.
(all yelling)
- In all the time
I've known you,
I've never asked you this,
but how does your sister like
being married
to a ventriloquist?
- Oh, oh, oh, OK,
but every night she
talks in his sleep!
- What happened?
- Well (laughs)
I've got (laughs)
(laughs)
I've got some (laughs)
I've got some good (laughs)
Please stop!
I've got some good (laughs)
I've got some good
news and (laughs)
(audience laughter)
(laughs)
Oh! (laughs)
- Come on up to my room.
- What happened?
- Here's your purse.
(mumbles)
(comical music)
(frenzied chatter)
(gun firing)
(birds crashing)
(frenzied chatter)
(yelling)
(gun firing)
(cymbal crash)
- Hi, honey, I'm home!
(audience laughter)
(comical music)
(fist thudding)
- Very inter...
Esting, but crowded.
I haven't seen so many people
sitting around in one place
since Gisla's graduation party
at the Rathskeller. (laughs)
Which reminds me to
get in touch with Berlin.
Hello, Irving?
- Wolfgang, those imaginary
phones don't work. (laughs)
- Quiet, accountant.
Hello, what?
Advancing on all fronts?
Goodie! (laughs)
I'll meet you in Paris.
You bring Lily and
I'll bring Marlame!
(audience laugher)
- Wolfgang, that's ridiculous!
That's an imaginary phone!
It doesn't work, I'm an
expert on this, I'll show you.
There is no one on the line.
Hello, Berlin?
- [Man] Listen, accountant.
Tell Wolfgang to
cancel that last message
and change Paris to Argentina.
(audience laughter)
- I'm going to the bunker.
- Hello?
Give me the delicatessen.
Hello, Delhi?
(comical music)
(door creaking open)
(tin clanking)
(NBC tone)
(whip cracking)