Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(singing)
- Gotcha.
(funky music)
- I think my boss
has gone too far.
Last night he said he was
gonna give me his secretarial pad
but I think a girl should
live at home at first.
- Hey Dick.
- Hmm?
- I understand you're
quite a bird watcher.
- I know every
bird call there is.
- Really?
- Mm hmm.
- Did you ever hear
a bald eagle scream?
- Did you ever
hear one that didn't?
They sound like this.
(screaming)
- On the 28th day when
the Sun shines without relief
and the wind bloweth not,
the maidens dance in heat
up to 220.
(audience laughing)
- My son's mother
in law is one of those
real interfering women.
Imagine she wants to
move into their apartment.
Why that would be awful.
It's so cozy with
just the three of us.
(audience laughing)
- I think the church should
appeal to young people.
But isn't it going
too far calling
Mathew, Mark, Luke,
and John the God Squad?
- Boris and I are
doing beautifully
in our touch typing course.
Next week we get to the typing.
(singing)
- Hey Reena, did you hear that
George Wallace had
a new heart transplant?
- Oh really?
Well how'd they do that?
- Well first they cut
a hole in the sheet.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy is it true in London
you call cigarettes fags?
- That's quite true Pam.
I suppose on every pack
it really should say caution,
fags may be hazardous
to your health.
- Goldie aren't man's
accomplishments fantastic?
Just think, we've broken
through the space time continuum,
successfully probed
new galactic universes,
and capped it all with
triumphant lunar exploration.
- Well my feeling is Dan
that if we keep all this up
maybe someday we'll
get a man to the moon.
- Hey Dick.
We have a groovy sex
education course in our school.
The lectures are
held in the classrooms
and the final exam's
in the gymnasium.
- Oh sure and I bet right
after the exams they all go.
(squealing)
- Goldie I see where Congress
has cut back welfare payments
in order not to show
a deficit in the budget.
I guess they believe
better a balanced budget
than a balanced diet.
(audience laughing)
- The rat control
bill might've had
a chance to pass the Congress.
Unfortunately they
left it in the basement
over night and it was
chewed to pieces.
- You know Dan, blacks
have a really rough time
in the Union of South Africa.
- Well minorities
have it rough all over.
- Yeah but it's
tougher to be a minority
when there's more of
you than there is of them.
- Movie theaters are trying
to appeal to all age groups.
They're showing Cher's new
picture Chastity on a double bill
with Snow White and
the Seven Year Itch.
(audience applauding)
- When NASA announced
man was going to the moon
they said it couldn't be done.
When Congress
announced a tax cut,
they said it wouldn't be done.
When NBC announced
another season of Laugh In,
they said it shouldn't be done.
And here to prove
it hasn't been done
is Rowan and Martins Laugh In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With special guest
stars Sonny and Cher.
And to keep peace in
the family Cher and Sonny.
Plus Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and of course Jo Anne Worley.
Also four out of ten
of these new kids.
Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,
Byron Gideon, Jeremy Lloyd,
and yours truly Gary
Owens who tonight only
once again plays the part
of Morgol the friendly Draow.
Now before our weekly
medley of commercial messages,
here's one that will really
rub you the wrong way.
- Ah hi guy.
Just getting my Leffate, you
must be the new neighbor.
Glad to meet you.
I'm Eric Bookstrat and this
is my wife Pat standing here.
- Hi I'm Dave Bomgardener.
That's my future
wife right over there.
- Ah hi Mrs. Future wife.
- That's funny.
Now a real honest
to money commercial.
(cash machine ringing)
And that's not funny.
- Frank.
- Ferta.
- And now here are two
guys who need no introduction.
- Here are two men who met
when a computer dating machine
blew it's top, Dan Rowan
and the folded, mutilated
but still lovely,
bent Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening ladies
and gentlemen, we're happy.
- I don't think they cheer
more for Johnny Carson.
- Well I know, but they have
a big audience over there
and we just have
these 400 people.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Happy you could join both of us,
what's his name and me tonight.
- Hey you know you look better
since you shaved
your mustache off.
- How can you say that?
- My mouth.
- Your mouth said that?
- [Dick] Yeah you just heard it.
- Yes I know.
I didn't say it and there's
just the two of us up here.
Look at me.
Now how could you say I
shaved off my mustache?
- Like this.
I'm glad you shaved
your mustache off.
- What do you think this is?
- Hey it grew back.
(audience laughing)
- Well now that we
have that cleared up.
Hey do you mind
if I ask you a favor?
- Shoot.
- Oh, oh, sometimes
I'm so tempted.
And it's nice of you to ask.
No I wanted to ask you, see
my nephew's coming for a visit.
- I'm sorry pal.
- Hey do you wanna
wait 'til I ask you?
- I know you're gonna
ask me if I can put him up
for a few nights and it's
just out of the questions.
- It's just a couple of nights.
- I'm sorry but Dan's
nephew is coming to town
and I promised him that I'd
let him stay in my guest room.
- Who do you think I am?
- How many guesses do I get?
(audience laughing)
- I'm Dan.
- No, no Dan has a mustache.
- And the free trip to
Hawaii was won this week
by Mrs. Don Brown of 122
Ocean Avenue, Honolulu.
- Aloha Mrs. Brown.
(alarm clock ringing)
(silly music)
(electricity zapping)
(audience laughing)
- What are your orders?
- Go to church every
Sunday, my child.
- And don't get married.
- Faster than a strafing
jet, more powerful
than a Sherman tank,
deadlier than a guided missile.
- Out of the night
and straight into
your heart comes the
watchdog of America.
General Bull Wright.
(trumpet music)
- Alright America,
shape up or ship out.
General Bull Wright here
ordering you to drop your socks
and grab your pencils 'cause
you're gonna take notes,
like it or not.
My commentary
tonight brought to you
by the good Americans at WOW
Chemical Makers of Napalm.
Little beauty right there.
That's a product that
puts the fire in fire power.
Catch it kid.
Sorry about that.
Alright concerned
citizens, and I know you are
concerned citizens, let's
talk about the peace mongers.
Those commie pinkos
that pussyfoot around
bad mouthing this
skirmish in Vietnam.
They say it's a waste of
money and man power.
Poppycock!
It's better than no war at all.
Furthermore I
say we're too soft.
Instead of bringing
them in home,
we outta send another
million men to Vietnam.
Bomb 'em, strafe 'em,
burn those villages,
let's show those
savages we want peace.
Don't forget to watch my new
Sunday show, Meet the Brass.
You will love them.
What?
No, you'll love 'em.
Just remember a scrappy
America is a happy America.
(upbeat music)
- If any of you senators
or representatives
from the 91st Congress
are watching, I love you.
Especially all of you
with ways and means.
Did you eve spend the
night under a pine tree
When the sap looks like cocoa
(singing)
(laughing)
- Oh Miss Hornsby,
do you recognize true
love when you see it?
Well Miss Hornsby
do you recognize
deep devotion when you see it?
Miss Hornsby, do you recognize
a concussion when you see it?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Alright.
- Oh this won't
hurt, will it Doctor?
- Only for a moment.
Hmm.
(loud thudding)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
- Box.
- Lunch.
- And now the same
message backwards.
- Lunch.
- Box.
- And now the same
message sideways.
- Runch box.
- Mother.
- Goose.
- And now the same
message backwards.
(honking)
(upbeat music)
- Hello chicken delight.
- Now this tiny watch
is a miniature radio
with a range of over 500 miles.
- This tiny watch?
That's fantastic.
What are those for Chief?
- These are the batteries.
(audience laughing)
- I just thought he'd never
get married, I can't believe it.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Sex, sex, sex, that's
all you ever think about.
(audience laughing)
- Borrow the paper?
- Oh sure.
- Thanks.
This news is nothing.
- You think that's
nothing, hold on,
here comes the Laugh In news.
We're gonna have a rumble
If they can't get it straight
And even though we mumble
We like to hear by state
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
Where's Dan
(audience applauding)
- Nice going.
And now with the news of
the present, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the new without the news.
Here's Donkey.
(audience applauding)
- Now for the news.
Saigon nightclub
comedian Eddie Fisher
is recovering from a battle
zone accident in which he fell
out of a helicopter and
landed on Vice President Key.
Witnesses say
it's the first time
Eddie has ever been on Key.
(audience laughing)
At a peace conference
today, George Jessel said,
this time it's really
love, as he announced
his engagement
to the King family.
(audience laughing)
Detroit automobile
manufacturers announced
that they have finally solved
the air pollution problem.
They recalled 200
million Americans
to get their lungs relined.
(audience laughing)
Oh if I only had two more jokes.
Take it away Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future
here's my very favorite
Danny boy, Danny boy Rowan.
- Well that was perfect
Goldie, just perfect.
You're just as
adorable as always.
And thanks for those kind words.
- Well if that's the
way you feel about it
you can just introduce yourself.
(audience laughing)
- Detroit Michigan,
1989, 20 years from now,
the automobile manufacturers
of America today denied
that smog caused by
automobile exhausts
has any harmful
effects on human life.
The remarks were
made at the unveiling
of the latest sports model,
a four door iron lung.
1989, 20 years from now.
Sex education took a
step forward today when
the Supreme Court ruled
that boys must be bused to girls
schools when the course
reaches the experimental stage.
Later tonight.
On Fire Island, Governor
Truman Capote refused to
comply saying, mixed marriages
are against the natural law.
(audience laughing)
Now 1989, 20 years from now.
Science discovered that water
on the knee can be induced
by taking too many
birth control pills.
This was discovered last week
when the Freshman classes
of Harvard and Vassar
knelt down to pray
and drown themselves.
- Wherever sports get together,
there's one sport that
drives them all mad.
Hutton, Hutton, Betty Hutton.
No, here's the number one
sport with the sporting folk
in all the toughies, the
sporting girl's best friend,
Big Al take it away
you big sport you.
Because all the
sports all over the world
have been waiting for the
word in spot, right toughies.
Here he is now, the
toughies best friend, Big Al.
(revving)
- Hi sports fans, Big Al here,
flying around
the old javelin pit.
(bell ringing)
Featurette.
Oh my tinkle is beautiful.
The sound is so pure
it makes me, giddy.
Well I'm just back from the
northern forests of Canada.
Cold, snow, slush.
I was there for the
annual lumberjack contest.
The winner chopped
down 24 trees in 12 minutes.
Chop, slash, cut.
The mighty forest rang with
the sound of his big happy ax.
But I knew he was the
winner when I saw his
wild plaid jacket
with a little fur collar.
Mink, mink, nothing
thrills me like mink.
(bell ringing)
Too much.
Ta ta.
- Say Big Al, you wanna
come see my bike?
- Ah get away from me.
- Come on we take your jingle.
- Ah business.
(yelling)
- Here with all the hot political
news is the person voted
most likely to be
huddling in a caucus.
Laugh In's man in
Washington, Pamela Rodgers.
- Hello there all of you out
there in government land.
Pam Rodgers here,
your man in Washington
with all the latest from
our nation's capital.
Remember last week?
I told you something very,
very big was going to
happen in the House.
Well last night it did.
I'll be back next week to
give you another in depth look
at our government in action.
Adjourned sweeties.
La da de da
Ladies and gents Laugh
In looks at the news
Oh yeah (audience applauding)
- Well I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, last night I
dreamt I was stranded
on a desert island
with Raquel Welch.
Now the bad news, in the
dream I was Lawrence Hart,
and so was she.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Mrs. Bono, is the name
of your new film
really Chastity?
- That's right Gladys.
- Sure, with you
it's just a movie.
But with me it's a way of life.
- Oh no, no, no it's not.
If they did your life story,
they'd call it
popular mechanics.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Alright open wide, say ah.
- Ah.
- That's good.
(crunching)
I only got two of
those left buddy.
(silly music)
- Dance.
Dance.
- Rickety.
- Shprit.
- No me come pick up laundry.
- Oh you're a pain.
(silly music)
- Hey how about all the
celebrities in the audience tonight?
- Eh I think we
outta introduce them.
- First I'm sure
you'd all like to meet
and great the lovely and
talented Myra Breckinridge.
Nice to see you
Miss Breckinridge.
- Hi fella.
- Anybody else you see out
there you'd like to introduce?
- Yeah right over here we
have a lovely girl from San Diego
who needs no introduction,
when the fleets in.
- [Woman] Hi sport.
- Well moving right along,
how about a fast
game of one liners.
- You mean where
we pick a subject
and then everybody
does a joke about it?
- That's right.
- Well how do you play it?
- Well you just explained
it to me you do do.
- Well I wasn't listening.
- Well pay attention,
now pick a subject.
- Cars.
- Okay cars, I mean okay, cars.
- I'm having trouble
with my Mustang,
it keeps climbing
into my hay wagon.
- I used to drive an Italian
car, but every time I drove it
down the street it would
surrender to a policeman.
- I got a ticket for a
small traffic violation.
I ran over a midget.
- That's nothing
Mr. Bono, I got a ticket for
a moving violation, and
we were parked at the time.
- I have a little
hydromatic car.
Which reminds
me of my boyfriend.
They're both shiftless.
- Last night on the freeway
I heard that awful sound.
(air swooshing)
Oh I knew I had a flat.
It was terrible.
Did you ever try to blow
up a bra during rush hour?
- I've had 23 accidents
in the last two days.
Boy there are lots of
crazy drivers around here.
- I don't own a
car, I just walk.
By the time I get to
Phoenix, I'm really exhausted.
- I used to have a
Lincoln, but I freed it.
- You can talk all you want
about safety devices in autos,
but Detroit has
proven conclusively
that 90% of the people
are caused by accidents.
- Well Mrs. Bono
you think that's bad,
last night I was arrested
in Burbank for driving
with my top down.
On a bicycle for shade.
Well I still think
that policeman
took the long way
to headquarters.
- Yeah, by the time she got
to Phoenix he was exhausted.
- And that's our round
of one liners for tonight.
- Good idea, let's do it right
after the next commercial.
- Boy that Dick is dumb, he
knows we're not taping this.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
My dear, you're
kissing the best man.
- Do you know you're right?
You're not wrong, you're right.
(audience laughing)
- Don't go away
'cause now it's time
for NBC to ring its chimes.
(cash register ringing)
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
- Ding.
- Dong.
(gong ringing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Okay honey.
Two eggs, a loaf of
bread, and a box of rocks.
I'll pick 'em up
on the way home.
Bye.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh my little girl.
- The devil made
me buy this dress.
- Well I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, I fell down
five flights of stairs.
And now for the bad news,
I went right by
the floor I wanted.
- The three favorite past
times of the preschool set
are recess, ice
cream, and Uncle Al.
So here it is, the best thing
that's happened to the wet set
since paper diapers, here's
old drip dry himself, Uncle Al.
- Hi.
- [Children] Hi Uncle Al.
(laughing)
- Hi there you
little sweethearts.
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies pal.
- [Children] Hello Uncle Al.
Hello.
- Hi kids.
- [Children] Hello Uncle Al.
- Knock it off little Gwendolyn.
- [Children] I
love you Uncle Al.
- Oh and I think
you're a cupcake.
And you know what you do
with cupcakes, you eat 'em.
Oh Uncle Al was
very sick last night
and took a lot of medicine.
Well it's game
time again kiddies
and it's Uncle Al time
to open Uncle Al's fun.
(kids cheering)
Today Uncle Al's gonna show
ya how to make colored smoke
without any fire.
(coughing)
Fire.
So it won't bother your
mommy or your daddy.
First you reach into
Uncle Al's magic fun kit.
- [Children] Magic fun kit.
- That's right, magic fun kit.
(audience laughing)
So you won't bother your
mommy or your daddy, right?
- [Children] Right.
- [Kid] My mother or my father.
- Or anybody.
Okay then you take
out the red, right.
You put it in like this see.
Okay, then you
take out the blue.
Yeah.
And then you put
that in like that.
And then you put in
just a pinch of the gray.
- [Kid] Bleck.
- Yes bleck.
Not too much though,
just a little bit like that.
(screaming)
This was Uncle Al,
the kiddies friend.
Goodbye little friends.
- [Children] Goodbye Uncle AL.
- And now chapter two in
the story that asks the question
can a poor girl who inherits
one million shares of Greyhound
find real happiness with
a big bus line of her own?
- Yes.
It's time for a quickie
A icky little quickie
A tricky, kicky, quickie
Just like Dan and
Dicky said to me
It might make you sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your clock is getting ticky
Try a quickie and
you'll set your body free
- Are you sure about that?
Try a quickie and
you'll set your body free
- Jeeves.
- Yes sir?
- Would you feed madam?
- Certainly sir.
- To the hyenas.
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- I'm watering my beans.
- I don't see any water.
- Do you see any beans?
- Do you have a princess phone?
- No I don't.
- Oh gosh darn it, I did
so want to call the queen.
- First of all you realize
you started off
with a few problems.
- Just think darling,
you'll be known as the
father of your country.
- Yeah, I got a great idea.
I'll put the White
House in Bono DC.
(screaming)
- Hey baby.
How about a little kiss?
- Sure, sure.
But then you won't have any
respect for me in the morning.
- I thought the
quickies were just great.
Did you like them too?
- May I be perfectly frank?
- I wish you would.
- I didn't like the way
Omar Sharif acted at all.
- Well I don't like to be
the one to break this to you
eagle eye, but Omar
Sharif wasn't in the quickies.
Now how can you
complain about the way
he acted if he wasn't in them?
- Well it just so happens
smarty eyes, just so happens
that last night I had
a date with a redhead.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Ran into Romar Sharif.
- Romar Sharif?
- I'm changing his name.
- Omar Sharif.
- I know his name.
- You ran into him?
- Sure, she went home with him.
- And that's the reason you said
you didn't like the
way he acted, ha.
- I thought he was
lousy in the quickies too.
What do you think of that?
- I think you're right.
- Tonight a television first.
Laugh In is interviewing
the winner of the naked
Miss America contest.
Well congratulations.
Now what do you think helped
you most in winning the title?
- Well.
Placing first in the talent
contest was very important.
- Ah yes.
Now what exactly
was your talent?
- Well, I tap danced.
- Oh well.
That must've been
something to see.
- While singing a song
and playing an accordion.
- Oh you sang, danced,
and played the accordion.
- Up, up, and away.
- Oh well that's a
marvelous song.
- I didn't sing it, that's
how I held my accordion.
- I see.
- I sang Teco Teco.
- Ah.
Well I understand
you were placed first
in several other categories.
- Yes well I won the no
evening gown competition
and the no bathing
suit competition.
But the title I enjoyed the
most was Miss Congenial.
- Oh, you were
elected Miss Congenial
by all the other contestants?
- No silly, by the judges.
They loved my Teco Teco.
Up, up, and away.
- Sit down Mr. Bono.
Tell me Mr. Bono, did you ever,
did you ever swallow a bullet?
- No Doctor, no.
- Well I'm afraid
you've been shot.
(silly music)
- Girl scout.
- Cookies.
- Fortune.
- Cookies.
- No, me come pick up lunch box.
- Our new film Chastity
is a motion picture
that asks the question
can a young girl.
- Oh yes.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Huh?
Oh that's the Blue Danube.
Hey Neil I just won three free
dance lessons
with Arthur Murray.
Oh incidentally Kate Smith
says watch where you step
you're on her moon, don't
come over her mountain.
- The devil made
me buy this dress.
- Camping is such fun.
Would you help me
with my knapsack darling.
- Of course my sweetheart.
- [Gary] It's time
again for robot theater.
(crashing)
(cans clanking)
- Thank you honey.
- My knapsack is too heavy.
You will have to leave your
magazines at home dear.
- Oh alright darling, I
have read them all anyway.
(glass shattering)
You know what darling?
We mustn't forget
the fly swatter.
- Oh yes, it will come in
handy while we are camping.
Oh there is one
fly that will be sorry.
Another one.
(glass shattering)
- Darling there is
another fly on the TV.
- Oh yes.
I will get it.
(electricity sizzling)
- You know darling,
half the fun of camping
is getting ready for it.
Kiss me my husband.
- What are your orders?
- 40 fish and eight
loaves of bread.
- To go.
- And now for all you
letters to Laugh In fans,
here's another
letter to Laugh In.
And for this little goody, we've
already mailed two dollars,
interestingly enough,
to Miss Lucy Houten.
Houten, Houten, Houten, in
South Weymouth Massachusetts
and her zip code is 02190.
How does that grab
you, you zip code lovers?
Anyway, here's Mrs. Houten,
Houten, Houten, Houten's joke.
- What would you
get if you crossed
a certain blonde comedian
with a smoked salmon?
- Oh that's easy.
- What's easy?
- What would you
get if you crossed
a certain blonde comedian
with a smoked salmon?
- Goldie locks.
- Well see I told
you it was easy.
- A bee stang me in my
belly button, by Henry Gibson.
I was sittin' in the
yard in my bikini
chompin' on a fresh nectarine
then I felt a jab
near my middle,
doubled over and
spied my belly button.
It was all puffed out
instead of all puffed in
and it was covered
by a battered fuselage.
Poor bee, he hadn't
meant to hurt me,
he had just run out of fuel.
- I'm so glad you
could come over.
- Yes, it's been a long time.
- Oh it sure has.
- Who's that?
- Oh that's my brother Mort.
He thinks he's a chair.
- And who's that?
- Right here?
Oh this is Uncle Herb.
He think he's a rocking chair.
Hi Uncle Herby.
- I see and uh,
who's this over here?
- Oh that's my
other brother David.
He thinks he's an end table.
- Who is this?
- This is my daddy,
who thinks he's a lamp.
Hi daddy, hello.
- Well it's quite a
family you've got.
- Oh it certainly is.
- What ever happened to
that chap you used to go with,
you know, Mike Roshkins?
- Oh we got married.
- Oh.
Where is he now?
I'd rather like to meet him.
- Oh he's out
being reupholstered.
- I see, and your mother?
- She started to sag.
Salvation Army picked
her up this morning.
But let's not get all depressed.
Listen, would you
like to play the piano?
- Tune in next week to
find out, can a weekend
with the Salvation Army
put the spring back in mom?
- Hello there.
Once again it's time for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- Or el dedo deliciscio,
delicioso, delocieeso.
- Easy for you to say.
- Yes.
As they say south of the border.
And who gets it tonight?
- Well let's look at
the facts first of all.
Recently Fred S.
Royster, on behalf of
the Committee of Growers of
United States Tobacco testified
that growers believe,
I quote, it is possible
that the relaxation,
contentment, and enjoyment
produced by smoking
has lengthened many lives.
- Oh sure it does.
You know my cousin
enjoyed smoking
and it lengthened his life
all the way until he was 32.
- [Dan] All the way
until he was 32.
- Yeah, do you like that?
Pinky Lee couldn't
have said it better.
- [Dan] No better than that.
- And he was so
relaxed and contented
we planted him
in a flip top box.
- Pashaw.
- [Dick] Pashaw indeed.
- Well Fred also argued
against health warnings
on cigarette ads on
these grounds, and I quote,
a vendor should not be
required to disparage his wares.
- Now he's got something there.
Why the next thing you know,
people will be bad
mouthing emphysema.
- They might.
Well I guess tonight we'll
have to give a king sized
filtered fickle finger to
the Surgeon General.
- Well why the Surgeon General?
- Well we'll give him
the following instructions.
Surgeon General, make an
appointment with Fred Royster
and when old Fred
gets to your office
we think you'll know
what to do with this.
You'll think of
something Doctor.
- Fred will love it,
after all it's a silly
millimeter longer.
(audience laughing)
- Filtered too.
- Be sure and turn
in next week folks
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
or the sick sly slender
sliver of love and devotion
as our clever cute
card holder calls it,
will go to George Wallace's
American Independent Party
who dropped the
independent from their name.
Governor Wallace you may
have dropped the I from your AIP
but you're still ape to us.
- N - Double A - C - P.
- AM and FM.
- Hot.
- Cross.
- Buns.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
What's the area code up here?
- 49120.
681593.
2417802.
57810984033.
6285114.
782911157436208.
504493321685U.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Lots of luck.
No ticky, no kissy.
- I've heard of the China
traders, but this is ridiculous.
- Fool around round eye,
you'll get starch in shorts.
Jets, jewels, furs, foreign cars
Status is all that matters
It keeps us madly
lining up at social ladders
Joses we'll be pro-joses
If we keep spending all the
bread the bank had loaned us
Sure he owns us Honey
we need that money
You bet your bippy all
your leisure days are sunny
You've got a
car, we'll get a car
Continental with a built in bar
You got a home, we got a home
You're in Burma,
we're downtown Rome
You got a yacht, we got a yacht
Ours is bigger than
the yacht you got
You got a jet, we got a jet
Frank Sinatra has no respect
Trendy and very spendy
Because the treadmill
we are on is never ending
Kinky aligned with minky
That brings a track he
got from Aries rather dinky
A stinky pinky Cool
go to lack a pool go
If Merle Oberon invites
you that's when you'll go
You on a trip, we on a trip
Ours is faster
and a lot more hip
You went to Nice
we wen to Greece
Saw the apartment
and signed a lease.
You had a ball, we had a ball
You had Buckely
we had Paul Nidal
We had a bash, tell a big flash
Liz and Richard
made a boring crash
We had a Jew, terribly new
Barbara Streisand
singing Tea for Two
We are the best,
terribly impressed
All the Jones
didn't pass the test
Status is all that matters
So take your booty
and your valley
By a home in Orange County
Rise above the teeming masses
Run with Nixon and Onassis
You'll have status,
status, status, status, status
Status, status, status
You say status and I say statis
You say greatest
and I say gratis
Status, statis, greatest, gratis
Let's call the whole thing off
- Tonight on mod mod
world takes a look at status.
- Status.
- That's what I said, status.
The state, condition,
a relative position.
- Oh my Uncle Waldo.
- Your Uncle Waldo?
- Well he's a
relative with position.
- Watch me play along folks.
- Um, Uncle Waldo, isn't he
the one who owns the circus?
He queried.
- Well he's been
having a lot of trouble
with the old side show.
- Oh I'm sorry to hear it.
- Yep the Fat Lady's
been chasing the Thin Man
and the Fire Eater has been
chasing the Tattooed Lady.
- Sounds like one
strange thing after another.
- Also the Tattooed Lady's
act just hasn't been going well.
- Aw.
- Well she's got a picture of
San Diego Harbor on one knee
and a picture of a battle
ship on the other knee.
- And when she crosses her legs
it looks like the
fleets in, right?
(laughing)
As the more mature one
said a few moments ago fans,
tonight the mod
world looks at status.
Check out the world
What makes it happen
Look at the people around you
Are you reflecting
a smile on your face
Try it and it will astound you
- Well what's new with
the Jones's next door?
- Oh nothing, Jack came
down with the mumps.
Otherwise they wanted us
over to look at their new color TV.
- Hmm.
- Why can't we have
the things they have?
- Okay you got it.
- You're going out to
get me a new color TV?
- No I'm going next
door to get the mumps.
- Status in Burbank is having
finger holes in
your bowling ball.
- We have a black family
living in our building.
That's status.
- We have 100 living in our
building and that's crowded.
- Well I'm glad we could
get together for lunch today.
- So am I, so am I.
- Good afternoon Mr. Lafferty,
good afternoon Mr. Dan.
- Hello Andre.
- How are you Andre?
- Fine thank you.
- My usual table.
(laughing)
- My usual table Andre.
- Of course.
- Oh no, no, no, no, I
insist, my usual table.
- Oh but my table's
in a better spot.
- Oh on the contrary, I've
got the best table in the house
and I insist we
go to mine Andre.
- And I insist we go to mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
(loud thudding)
I'll be dining
alone today Andre.
- Of course, uh,
alright if I put him
at your table little fella?
(groovy music)
- I tell ya it
doesn't look right.
Here I am a big Hollywood star
and not one or our
kids in show business.
What'll the neighbors think?
- Well dear what
are we going to do?
- I'm gonna get my boy
Jack his own show on NBC.
- Well I feel he should
start at the bottom.
- Okay I'll get him
his own show on ABC.
- Status to an American
Indian is not having a nickel
with his head on it,
but just having a nickel.
- Well what's new with
the Jones's next door?
- Well he just bought her a
beautiful new pearl necklace.
Why can't you ever do
anything nice like that?
- Okay but what's she gonna
do with two pearl necklaces?
(audience laughing)
- [Narrator] For some
people status is gained
with the seriousness
of their illness.
- Well you don't
know what sick is.
My last operation, you know,
it took two doctors 12 hours
and they cut me from here
all the way down to here.
- So what.
I had two teams of doctors.
One cut me from here
all the way around 'til here.
- What was the other team for?
- Well they had to
hold me together.
- Oh you think that's bad?
You know last winter I had, are
you ready, double pneumonia.
- Oh.
I had triple pneumonia.
Not only that, they
removed one lung.
- I had both lungs removed
and my temperature was
all the way up to 106 degrees.
- Oh that's nothing.
My temperature
dropped to 32 degrees.
- Oh.
- The doctor who operated on
me came down with frostbite.
- Oh.
Eh over there, you've
been pretty quiet honey.
- Yeah how've you been.
- Don't ask me, I've
been dead for two years.
- She's the winner.
- Well so much for status.
- Well it's about time
somebody did something
about all that
noise on the radio.
- Oh that's static.
- [Dick] Oh.
- Status.
You're standing
in the community.
Keeping up with the Jones's.
That sort of thing.
- No thanks.
See I tried that once
and it about ruined
a wonderful weekend.
- Keeping up with the
Jones's ruined a weekend?
- That's funny, same
thing happened to me.
- No fooling.
- Yeah.
I was with this beautiful
blonde lady from Boston.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- We were at a resort see,
and there was this other guy
and he was pretty wild.
- I don't wanna hear it.
- So I figured I'd
do anything he did.
- And it didn't work?
- Well it seems he
was a sheik from Arabia
and he was on a
honeymoon with 15 wives.
- Must've been fun
while you lasted.
- No it didn't do much for me,
but there was a blonde lady
in Boston with some
pretty wonderful memories.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, oh this could
develop into something serious.
Oh yeah this could be
the start of something big.
- Well I'll say.
If you don't put those things
in your ears I'm
gonna call the police.
- Boys in the lab
have done a fine job.
Our technicians
have built into a shoe
a collapsible life boat,
rations for 12 people,
and a complete
change of underwear.
- How did they manage to
squeeze all that into one shoe?
- Well it wasn't easy.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
- Time.
- Peace.
- Well I certainly hope you
enjoyed the show tonight.
- I did and now if you'll
forgive me I've gotta run along.
- What's the hurry?
- Well I got a heavy date
and I wanna catch her
before she changes.
- Anybody I know?
- Myra Breckinridge.
- Oh well give her my best.
- I'll give her your
best, give him my best.
That didn't work
out right did it?
I'll ask Lawrence Harvey.
- Yes well just say goodnight.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
And goodnight Myra
Breckinridge whichever you are.
- Goodnight everybody,
hope you enjoy it.
- My candidate won the election.
- Honestly.
- Did you have to bring that up?
Now you ruined my whole day.
- You know I was thinking,
if Engelbert Humperdinck
fell and hurt himself all
over, he'd be a lumpy, humpy,
bumpy, grumpy, bumpy,
rumpy, Humperdinck.
- No, no, that's not humpy.
That's hum hum hum humpy.
- Hey Sonny of Sonny and Cher.
- Yeah.
- Hello Mr. Bono.
Hey Sonny why do
hummingbirds hum?
- Because they can't
dance you dummy.
- Dan.
- Yes Mrs. Bono.
- What should I do,
every night I dream of
100 screaming gorillas?
- Have you seen a doctor yet?
- No only hundreds
of screaming gorillas.
- Hey my sweet short Henry.
- Yes.
- How is your sweet,
short, sore foot?
- Oh I can't kick.
Every night I keep hearing
hundreds of screaming gorillas.
- You know George
Jessel had a date
with a gorgeous 21
year old girl last night?
- You know what happened to him?
- No.
- Neither does he.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Arte.
- Huh?
- How far did you go in school?
- Oh not much too farther
than a good night kiss.
- Oh cute.
- Hey Goldie.
- Whatie?
- What's that noise.
- What noise?
- Illinois.
Get it?
- Hey Gold.
- What?
- What's the racket?
- What racket?
- Tennis racket?
- Oh.
Oh I get it.
Dan?
- Yes Goldie.
- What's the noise?
- What noise?
- Tennis racket.
- Hey Cher of Sonny and Cher.
Hello Mrs. Bono.
- That's Mrs. Bono.
- I know.
Hey your new daughters
name is Chastity
and your new picture
is named Chastity.
Isn't that a little
confusing sometimes?
- Yes Dick.
I'll say the other day
someone called me to tell me
that Chastity was playing
in Chicago and I fainted.
Goodbye.
(all yelling)
- Byron.
I wore a bikini to
the beach yesterday
and everybody was staring at me.
- What did you do?
- I just shrugged it off.
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Well Mr. Kasmire
can you tell me
why you jumped out
the 14th story window?
(audience laughing)
(knocking on door)
- [Woman] Who is it?
- Neil Armstrong.
- Oh, oh.
That was one small step for man,
one giant leap
forward for mankind.
(screaming)
You're just like the rest.
- You've gone through
extensive training
and you've passed every test.
Now I'm going to test
your resistance to pain.
(loud thudding)
Obviously you're not ready.
- The preceding
show was prerecorded
and will be shown
sometime in the near past.
Meanwhile our foster
child letters to Laugh In
has been adopted by NBC and
may be enjoyed each afternoon
by laugh lovers everywhere.
I admit that's not too humorous
but we hated to surprise you
with a joke at this late hour.
- Very interesting.
And goodnight Miss Kate
Smith, you've got a lovely moon.
Good luck with your craters.
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(singing)
- Gotcha.
(funky music)
- I think my boss
has gone too far.
Last night he said he was
gonna give me his secretarial pad
but I think a girl should
live at home at first.
- Hey Dick.
- Hmm?
- I understand you're
quite a bird watcher.
- I know every
bird call there is.
- Really?
- Mm hmm.
- Did you ever hear
a bald eagle scream?
- Did you ever
hear one that didn't?
They sound like this.
(screaming)
- On the 28th day when
the Sun shines without relief
and the wind bloweth not,
the maidens dance in heat
up to 220.
(audience laughing)
- My son's mother
in law is one of those
real interfering women.
Imagine she wants to
move into their apartment.
Why that would be awful.
It's so cozy with
just the three of us.
(audience laughing)
- I think the church should
appeal to young people.
But isn't it going
too far calling
Mathew, Mark, Luke,
and John the God Squad?
- Boris and I are
doing beautifully
in our touch typing course.
Next week we get to the typing.
(singing)
- Hey Reena, did you hear that
George Wallace had
a new heart transplant?
- Oh really?
Well how'd they do that?
- Well first they cut
a hole in the sheet.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy is it true in London
you call cigarettes fags?
- That's quite true Pam.
I suppose on every pack
it really should say caution,
fags may be hazardous
to your health.
- Goldie aren't man's
accomplishments fantastic?
Just think, we've broken
through the space time continuum,
successfully probed
new galactic universes,
and capped it all with
triumphant lunar exploration.
- Well my feeling is Dan
that if we keep all this up
maybe someday we'll
get a man to the moon.
- Hey Dick.
We have a groovy sex
education course in our school.
The lectures are
held in the classrooms
and the final exam's
in the gymnasium.
- Oh sure and I bet right
after the exams they all go.
(squealing)
- Goldie I see where Congress
has cut back welfare payments
in order not to show
a deficit in the budget.
I guess they believe
better a balanced budget
than a balanced diet.
(audience laughing)
- The rat control
bill might've had
a chance to pass the Congress.
Unfortunately they
left it in the basement
over night and it was
chewed to pieces.
- You know Dan, blacks
have a really rough time
in the Union of South Africa.
- Well minorities
have it rough all over.
- Yeah but it's
tougher to be a minority
when there's more of
you than there is of them.
- Movie theaters are trying
to appeal to all age groups.
They're showing Cher's new
picture Chastity on a double bill
with Snow White and
the Seven Year Itch.
(audience applauding)
- When NASA announced
man was going to the moon
they said it couldn't be done.
When Congress
announced a tax cut,
they said it wouldn't be done.
When NBC announced
another season of Laugh In,
they said it shouldn't be done.
And here to prove
it hasn't been done
is Rowan and Martins Laugh In.
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
With special guest
stars Sonny and Cher.
And to keep peace in
the family Cher and Sonny.
Plus Judy Carne,
Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and of course Jo Anne Worley.
Also four out of ten
of these new kids.
Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,
Byron Gideon, Jeremy Lloyd,
and yours truly Gary
Owens who tonight only
once again plays the part
of Morgol the friendly Draow.
Now before our weekly
medley of commercial messages,
here's one that will really
rub you the wrong way.
- Ah hi guy.
Just getting my Leffate, you
must be the new neighbor.
Glad to meet you.
I'm Eric Bookstrat and this
is my wife Pat standing here.
- Hi I'm Dave Bomgardener.
That's my future
wife right over there.
- Ah hi Mrs. Future wife.
- That's funny.
Now a real honest
to money commercial.
(cash machine ringing)
And that's not funny.
- Frank.
- Ferta.
- And now here are two
guys who need no introduction.
- Here are two men who met
when a computer dating machine
blew it's top, Dan Rowan
and the folded, mutilated
but still lovely,
bent Dick Martin.
(audience applauding)
- Good evening ladies
and gentlemen, we're happy.
- I don't think they cheer
more for Johnny Carson.
- Well I know, but they have
a big audience over there
and we just have
these 400 people.
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Happy you could join both of us,
what's his name and me tonight.
- Hey you know you look better
since you shaved
your mustache off.
- How can you say that?
- My mouth.
- Your mouth said that?
- [Dick] Yeah you just heard it.
- Yes I know.
I didn't say it and there's
just the two of us up here.
Look at me.
Now how could you say I
shaved off my mustache?
- Like this.
I'm glad you shaved
your mustache off.
- What do you think this is?
- Hey it grew back.
(audience laughing)
- Well now that we
have that cleared up.
Hey do you mind
if I ask you a favor?
- Shoot.
- Oh, oh, sometimes
I'm so tempted.
And it's nice of you to ask.
No I wanted to ask you, see
my nephew's coming for a visit.
- I'm sorry pal.
- Hey do you wanna
wait 'til I ask you?
- I know you're gonna
ask me if I can put him up
for a few nights and it's
just out of the questions.
- It's just a couple of nights.
- I'm sorry but Dan's
nephew is coming to town
and I promised him that I'd
let him stay in my guest room.
- Who do you think I am?
- How many guesses do I get?
(audience laughing)
- I'm Dan.
- No, no Dan has a mustache.
- And the free trip to
Hawaii was won this week
by Mrs. Don Brown of 122
Ocean Avenue, Honolulu.
- Aloha Mrs. Brown.
(alarm clock ringing)
(silly music)
(electricity zapping)
(audience laughing)
- What are your orders?
- Go to church every
Sunday, my child.
- And don't get married.
- Faster than a strafing
jet, more powerful
than a Sherman tank,
deadlier than a guided missile.
- Out of the night
and straight into
your heart comes the
watchdog of America.
General Bull Wright.
(trumpet music)
- Alright America,
shape up or ship out.
General Bull Wright here
ordering you to drop your socks
and grab your pencils 'cause
you're gonna take notes,
like it or not.
My commentary
tonight brought to you
by the good Americans at WOW
Chemical Makers of Napalm.
Little beauty right there.
That's a product that
puts the fire in fire power.
Catch it kid.
Sorry about that.
Alright concerned
citizens, and I know you are
concerned citizens, let's
talk about the peace mongers.
Those commie pinkos
that pussyfoot around
bad mouthing this
skirmish in Vietnam.
They say it's a waste of
money and man power.
Poppycock!
It's better than no war at all.
Furthermore I
say we're too soft.
Instead of bringing
them in home,
we outta send another
million men to Vietnam.
Bomb 'em, strafe 'em,
burn those villages,
let's show those
savages we want peace.
Don't forget to watch my new
Sunday show, Meet the Brass.
You will love them.
What?
No, you'll love 'em.
Just remember a scrappy
America is a happy America.
(upbeat music)
- If any of you senators
or representatives
from the 91st Congress
are watching, I love you.
Especially all of you
with ways and means.
Did you eve spend the
night under a pine tree
When the sap looks like cocoa
(singing)
(laughing)
- Oh Miss Hornsby,
do you recognize true
love when you see it?
Well Miss Hornsby
do you recognize
deep devotion when you see it?
Miss Hornsby, do you recognize
a concussion when you see it?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Alright.
- Oh this won't
hurt, will it Doctor?
- Only for a moment.
Hmm.
(loud thudding)
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
- Box.
- Lunch.
- And now the same
message backwards.
- Lunch.
- Box.
- And now the same
message sideways.
- Runch box.
- Mother.
- Goose.
- And now the same
message backwards.
(honking)
(upbeat music)
- Hello chicken delight.
- Now this tiny watch
is a miniature radio
with a range of over 500 miles.
- This tiny watch?
That's fantastic.
What are those for Chief?
- These are the batteries.
(audience laughing)
- I just thought he'd never
get married, I can't believe it.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Sex, sex, sex, that's
all you ever think about.
(audience laughing)
- Borrow the paper?
- Oh sure.
- Thanks.
This news is nothing.
- You think that's
nothing, hold on,
here comes the Laugh In news.
We're gonna have a rumble
If they can't get it straight
And even though we mumble
We like to hear by state
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse you
We just love to
give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh In looks at the news
Where's Dan
(audience applauding)
- Nice going.
And now with the news of
the present, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the new without the news.
Here's Donkey.
(audience applauding)
- Now for the news.
Saigon nightclub
comedian Eddie Fisher
is recovering from a battle
zone accident in which he fell
out of a helicopter and
landed on Vice President Key.
Witnesses say
it's the first time
Eddie has ever been on Key.
(audience laughing)
At a peace conference
today, George Jessel said,
this time it's really
love, as he announced
his engagement
to the King family.
(audience laughing)
Detroit automobile
manufacturers announced
that they have finally solved
the air pollution problem.
They recalled 200
million Americans
to get their lungs relined.
(audience laughing)
Oh if I only had two more jokes.
Take it away Goldie.
- And now with the
news of the future
here's my very favorite
Danny boy, Danny boy Rowan.
- Well that was perfect
Goldie, just perfect.
You're just as
adorable as always.
And thanks for those kind words.
- Well if that's the
way you feel about it
you can just introduce yourself.
(audience laughing)
- Detroit Michigan,
1989, 20 years from now,
the automobile manufacturers
of America today denied
that smog caused by
automobile exhausts
has any harmful
effects on human life.
The remarks were
made at the unveiling
of the latest sports model,
a four door iron lung.
1989, 20 years from now.
Sex education took a
step forward today when
the Supreme Court ruled
that boys must be bused to girls
schools when the course
reaches the experimental stage.
Later tonight.
On Fire Island, Governor
Truman Capote refused to
comply saying, mixed marriages
are against the natural law.
(audience laughing)
Now 1989, 20 years from now.
Science discovered that water
on the knee can be induced
by taking too many
birth control pills.
This was discovered last week
when the Freshman classes
of Harvard and Vassar
knelt down to pray
and drown themselves.
- Wherever sports get together,
there's one sport that
drives them all mad.
Hutton, Hutton, Betty Hutton.
No, here's the number one
sport with the sporting folk
in all the toughies, the
sporting girl's best friend,
Big Al take it away
you big sport you.
Because all the
sports all over the world
have been waiting for the
word in spot, right toughies.
Here he is now, the
toughies best friend, Big Al.
(revving)
- Hi sports fans, Big Al here,
flying around
the old javelin pit.
(bell ringing)
Featurette.
Oh my tinkle is beautiful.
The sound is so pure
it makes me, giddy.
Well I'm just back from the
northern forests of Canada.
Cold, snow, slush.
I was there for the
annual lumberjack contest.
The winner chopped
down 24 trees in 12 minutes.
Chop, slash, cut.
The mighty forest rang with
the sound of his big happy ax.
But I knew he was the
winner when I saw his
wild plaid jacket
with a little fur collar.
Mink, mink, nothing
thrills me like mink.
(bell ringing)
Too much.
Ta ta.
- Say Big Al, you wanna
come see my bike?
- Ah get away from me.
- Come on we take your jingle.
- Ah business.
(yelling)
- Here with all the hot political
news is the person voted
most likely to be
huddling in a caucus.
Laugh In's man in
Washington, Pamela Rodgers.
- Hello there all of you out
there in government land.
Pam Rodgers here,
your man in Washington
with all the latest from
our nation's capital.
Remember last week?
I told you something very,
very big was going to
happen in the House.
Well last night it did.
I'll be back next week to
give you another in depth look
at our government in action.
Adjourned sweeties.
La da de da
Ladies and gents Laugh
In looks at the news
Oh yeah (audience applauding)
- Well I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, last night I
dreamt I was stranded
on a desert island
with Raquel Welch.
Now the bad news, in the
dream I was Lawrence Hart,
and so was she.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Mrs. Bono, is the name
of your new film
really Chastity?
- That's right Gladys.
- Sure, with you
it's just a movie.
But with me it's a way of life.
- Oh no, no, no it's not.
If they did your life story,
they'd call it
popular mechanics.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Alright open wide, say ah.
- Ah.
- That's good.
(crunching)
I only got two of
those left buddy.
(silly music)
- Dance.
Dance.
- Rickety.
- Shprit.
- No me come pick up laundry.
- Oh you're a pain.
(silly music)
- Hey how about all the
celebrities in the audience tonight?
- Eh I think we
outta introduce them.
- First I'm sure
you'd all like to meet
and great the lovely and
talented Myra Breckinridge.
Nice to see you
Miss Breckinridge.
- Hi fella.
- Anybody else you see out
there you'd like to introduce?
- Yeah right over here we
have a lovely girl from San Diego
who needs no introduction,
when the fleets in.
- [Woman] Hi sport.
- Well moving right along,
how about a fast
game of one liners.
- You mean where
we pick a subject
and then everybody
does a joke about it?
- That's right.
- Well how do you play it?
- Well you just explained
it to me you do do.
- Well I wasn't listening.
- Well pay attention,
now pick a subject.
- Cars.
- Okay cars, I mean okay, cars.
- I'm having trouble
with my Mustang,
it keeps climbing
into my hay wagon.
- I used to drive an Italian
car, but every time I drove it
down the street it would
surrender to a policeman.
- I got a ticket for a
small traffic violation.
I ran over a midget.
- That's nothing
Mr. Bono, I got a ticket for
a moving violation, and
we were parked at the time.
- I have a little
hydromatic car.
Which reminds
me of my boyfriend.
They're both shiftless.
- Last night on the freeway
I heard that awful sound.
(air swooshing)
Oh I knew I had a flat.
It was terrible.
Did you ever try to blow
up a bra during rush hour?
- I've had 23 accidents
in the last two days.
Boy there are lots of
crazy drivers around here.
- I don't own a
car, I just walk.
By the time I get to
Phoenix, I'm really exhausted.
- I used to have a
Lincoln, but I freed it.
- You can talk all you want
about safety devices in autos,
but Detroit has
proven conclusively
that 90% of the people
are caused by accidents.
- Well Mrs. Bono
you think that's bad,
last night I was arrested
in Burbank for driving
with my top down.
On a bicycle for shade.
Well I still think
that policeman
took the long way
to headquarters.
- Yeah, by the time she got
to Phoenix he was exhausted.
- And that's our round
of one liners for tonight.
- Good idea, let's do it right
after the next commercial.
- Boy that Dick is dumb, he
knows we're not taping this.
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
My dear, you're
kissing the best man.
- Do you know you're right?
You're not wrong, you're right.
(audience laughing)
- Don't go away
'cause now it's time
for NBC to ring its chimes.
(cash register ringing)
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
- Ding.
- Dong.
(gong ringing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Okay honey.
Two eggs, a loaf of
bread, and a box of rocks.
I'll pick 'em up
on the way home.
Bye.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh my little girl.
- The devil made
me buy this dress.
- Well I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, I fell down
five flights of stairs.
And now for the bad news,
I went right by
the floor I wanted.
- The three favorite past
times of the preschool set
are recess, ice
cream, and Uncle Al.
So here it is, the best thing
that's happened to the wet set
since paper diapers, here's
old drip dry himself, Uncle Al.
- Hi.
- [Children] Hi Uncle Al.
(laughing)
- Hi there you
little sweethearts.
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies pal.
- [Children] Hello Uncle Al.
Hello.
- Hi kids.
- [Children] Hello Uncle Al.
- Knock it off little Gwendolyn.
- [Children] I
love you Uncle Al.
- Oh and I think
you're a cupcake.
And you know what you do
with cupcakes, you eat 'em.
Oh Uncle Al was
very sick last night
and took a lot of medicine.
Well it's game
time again kiddies
and it's Uncle Al time
to open Uncle Al's fun.
(kids cheering)
Today Uncle Al's gonna show
ya how to make colored smoke
without any fire.
(coughing)
Fire.
So it won't bother your
mommy or your daddy.
First you reach into
Uncle Al's magic fun kit.
- [Children] Magic fun kit.
- That's right, magic fun kit.
(audience laughing)
So you won't bother your
mommy or your daddy, right?
- [Children] Right.
- [Kid] My mother or my father.
- Or anybody.
Okay then you take
out the red, right.
You put it in like this see.
Okay, then you
take out the blue.
Yeah.
And then you put
that in like that.
And then you put in
just a pinch of the gray.
- [Kid] Bleck.
- Yes bleck.
Not too much though,
just a little bit like that.
(screaming)
This was Uncle Al,
the kiddies friend.
Goodbye little friends.
- [Children] Goodbye Uncle AL.
- And now chapter two in
the story that asks the question
can a poor girl who inherits
one million shares of Greyhound
find real happiness with
a big bus line of her own?
- Yes.
It's time for a quickie
A icky little quickie
A tricky, kicky, quickie
Just like Dan and
Dicky said to me
It might make you sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your clock is getting ticky
Try a quickie and
you'll set your body free
- Are you sure about that?
Try a quickie and
you'll set your body free
- Jeeves.
- Yes sir?
- Would you feed madam?
- Certainly sir.
- To the hyenas.
(audience laughing)
- What are you doing?
- I'm watering my beans.
- I don't see any water.
- Do you see any beans?
- Do you have a princess phone?
- No I don't.
- Oh gosh darn it, I did
so want to call the queen.
- First of all you realize
you started off
with a few problems.
- Just think darling,
you'll be known as the
father of your country.
- Yeah, I got a great idea.
I'll put the White
House in Bono DC.
(screaming)
- Hey baby.
How about a little kiss?
- Sure, sure.
But then you won't have any
respect for me in the morning.
- I thought the
quickies were just great.
Did you like them too?
- May I be perfectly frank?
- I wish you would.
- I didn't like the way
Omar Sharif acted at all.
- Well I don't like to be
the one to break this to you
eagle eye, but Omar
Sharif wasn't in the quickies.
Now how can you
complain about the way
he acted if he wasn't in them?
- Well it just so happens
smarty eyes, just so happens
that last night I had
a date with a redhead.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Ran into Romar Sharif.
- Romar Sharif?
- I'm changing his name.
- Omar Sharif.
- I know his name.
- You ran into him?
- Sure, she went home with him.
- And that's the reason you said
you didn't like the
way he acted, ha.
- I thought he was
lousy in the quickies too.
What do you think of that?
- I think you're right.
- Tonight a television first.
Laugh In is interviewing
the winner of the naked
Miss America contest.
Well congratulations.
Now what do you think helped
you most in winning the title?
- Well.
Placing first in the talent
contest was very important.
- Ah yes.
Now what exactly
was your talent?
- Well, I tap danced.
- Oh well.
That must've been
something to see.
- While singing a song
and playing an accordion.
- Oh you sang, danced,
and played the accordion.
- Up, up, and away.
- Oh well that's a
marvelous song.
- I didn't sing it, that's
how I held my accordion.
- I see.
- I sang Teco Teco.
- Ah.
Well I understand
you were placed first
in several other categories.
- Yes well I won the no
evening gown competition
and the no bathing
suit competition.
But the title I enjoyed the
most was Miss Congenial.
- Oh, you were
elected Miss Congenial
by all the other contestants?
- No silly, by the judges.
They loved my Teco Teco.
Up, up, and away.
- Sit down Mr. Bono.
Tell me Mr. Bono, did you ever,
did you ever swallow a bullet?
- No Doctor, no.
- Well I'm afraid
you've been shot.
(silly music)
- Girl scout.
- Cookies.
- Fortune.
- Cookies.
- No, me come pick up lunch box.
- Our new film Chastity
is a motion picture
that asks the question
can a young girl.
- Oh yes.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Huh?
Oh that's the Blue Danube.
Hey Neil I just won three free
dance lessons
with Arthur Murray.
Oh incidentally Kate Smith
says watch where you step
you're on her moon, don't
come over her mountain.
- The devil made
me buy this dress.
- Camping is such fun.
Would you help me
with my knapsack darling.
- Of course my sweetheart.
- [Gary] It's time
again for robot theater.
(crashing)
(cans clanking)
- Thank you honey.
- My knapsack is too heavy.
You will have to leave your
magazines at home dear.
- Oh alright darling, I
have read them all anyway.
(glass shattering)
You know what darling?
We mustn't forget
the fly swatter.
- Oh yes, it will come in
handy while we are camping.
Oh there is one
fly that will be sorry.
Another one.
(glass shattering)
- Darling there is
another fly on the TV.
- Oh yes.
I will get it.
(electricity sizzling)
- You know darling,
half the fun of camping
is getting ready for it.
Kiss me my husband.
- What are your orders?
- 40 fish and eight
loaves of bread.
- To go.
- And now for all you
letters to Laugh In fans,
here's another
letter to Laugh In.
And for this little goody, we've
already mailed two dollars,
interestingly enough,
to Miss Lucy Houten.
Houten, Houten, Houten, in
South Weymouth Massachusetts
and her zip code is 02190.
How does that grab
you, you zip code lovers?
Anyway, here's Mrs. Houten,
Houten, Houten, Houten's joke.
- What would you
get if you crossed
a certain blonde comedian
with a smoked salmon?
- Oh that's easy.
- What's easy?
- What would you
get if you crossed
a certain blonde comedian
with a smoked salmon?
- Goldie locks.
- Well see I told
you it was easy.
- A bee stang me in my
belly button, by Henry Gibson.
I was sittin' in the
yard in my bikini
chompin' on a fresh nectarine
then I felt a jab
near my middle,
doubled over and
spied my belly button.
It was all puffed out
instead of all puffed in
and it was covered
by a battered fuselage.
Poor bee, he hadn't
meant to hurt me,
he had just run out of fuel.
- I'm so glad you
could come over.
- Yes, it's been a long time.
- Oh it sure has.
- Who's that?
- Oh that's my brother Mort.
He thinks he's a chair.
- And who's that?
- Right here?
Oh this is Uncle Herb.
He think he's a rocking chair.
Hi Uncle Herby.
- I see and uh,
who's this over here?
- Oh that's my
other brother David.
He thinks he's an end table.
- Who is this?
- This is my daddy,
who thinks he's a lamp.
Hi daddy, hello.
- Well it's quite a
family you've got.
- Oh it certainly is.
- What ever happened to
that chap you used to go with,
you know, Mike Roshkins?
- Oh we got married.
- Oh.
Where is he now?
I'd rather like to meet him.
- Oh he's out
being reupholstered.
- I see, and your mother?
- She started to sag.
Salvation Army picked
her up this morning.
But let's not get all depressed.
Listen, would you
like to play the piano?
- Tune in next week to
find out, can a weekend
with the Salvation Army
put the spring back in mom?
- Hello there.
Once again it's time for the
Flying Fickle Finger
of Fate Award.
- Or el dedo deliciscio,
delicioso, delocieeso.
- Easy for you to say.
- Yes.
As they say south of the border.
And who gets it tonight?
- Well let's look at
the facts first of all.
Recently Fred S.
Royster, on behalf of
the Committee of Growers of
United States Tobacco testified
that growers believe,
I quote, it is possible
that the relaxation,
contentment, and enjoyment
produced by smoking
has lengthened many lives.
- Oh sure it does.
You know my cousin
enjoyed smoking
and it lengthened his life
all the way until he was 32.
- [Dan] All the way
until he was 32.
- Yeah, do you like that?
Pinky Lee couldn't
have said it better.
- [Dan] No better than that.
- And he was so
relaxed and contented
we planted him
in a flip top box.
- Pashaw.
- [Dick] Pashaw indeed.
- Well Fred also argued
against health warnings
on cigarette ads on
these grounds, and I quote,
a vendor should not be
required to disparage his wares.
- Now he's got something there.
Why the next thing you know,
people will be bad
mouthing emphysema.
- They might.
Well I guess tonight we'll
have to give a king sized
filtered fickle finger to
the Surgeon General.
- Well why the Surgeon General?
- Well we'll give him
the following instructions.
Surgeon General, make an
appointment with Fred Royster
and when old Fred
gets to your office
we think you'll know
what to do with this.
You'll think of
something Doctor.
- Fred will love it,
after all it's a silly
millimeter longer.
(audience laughing)
- Filtered too.
- Be sure and turn
in next week folks
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate
or the sick sly slender
sliver of love and devotion
as our clever cute
card holder calls it,
will go to George Wallace's
American Independent Party
who dropped the
independent from their name.
Governor Wallace you may
have dropped the I from your AIP
but you're still ape to us.
- N - Double A - C - P.
- AM and FM.
- Hot.
- Cross.
- Buns.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
What's the area code up here?
- 49120.
681593.
2417802.
57810984033.
6285114.
782911157436208.
504493321685U.
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Lots of luck.
No ticky, no kissy.
- I've heard of the China
traders, but this is ridiculous.
- Fool around round eye,
you'll get starch in shorts.
Jets, jewels, furs, foreign cars
Status is all that matters
It keeps us madly
lining up at social ladders
Joses we'll be pro-joses
If we keep spending all the
bread the bank had loaned us
Sure he owns us Honey
we need that money
You bet your bippy all
your leisure days are sunny
You've got a
car, we'll get a car
Continental with a built in bar
You got a home, we got a home
You're in Burma,
we're downtown Rome
You got a yacht, we got a yacht
Ours is bigger than
the yacht you got
You got a jet, we got a jet
Frank Sinatra has no respect
Trendy and very spendy
Because the treadmill
we are on is never ending
Kinky aligned with minky
That brings a track he
got from Aries rather dinky
A stinky pinky Cool
go to lack a pool go
If Merle Oberon invites
you that's when you'll go
You on a trip, we on a trip
Ours is faster
and a lot more hip
You went to Nice
we wen to Greece
Saw the apartment
and signed a lease.
You had a ball, we had a ball
You had Buckely
we had Paul Nidal
We had a bash, tell a big flash
Liz and Richard
made a boring crash
We had a Jew, terribly new
Barbara Streisand
singing Tea for Two
We are the best,
terribly impressed
All the Jones
didn't pass the test
Status is all that matters
So take your booty
and your valley
By a home in Orange County
Rise above the teeming masses
Run with Nixon and Onassis
You'll have status,
status, status, status, status
Status, status, status
You say status and I say statis
You say greatest
and I say gratis
Status, statis, greatest, gratis
Let's call the whole thing off
- Tonight on mod mod
world takes a look at status.
- Status.
- That's what I said, status.
The state, condition,
a relative position.
- Oh my Uncle Waldo.
- Your Uncle Waldo?
- Well he's a
relative with position.
- Watch me play along folks.
- Um, Uncle Waldo, isn't he
the one who owns the circus?
He queried.
- Well he's been
having a lot of trouble
with the old side show.
- Oh I'm sorry to hear it.
- Yep the Fat Lady's
been chasing the Thin Man
and the Fire Eater has been
chasing the Tattooed Lady.
- Sounds like one
strange thing after another.
- Also the Tattooed Lady's
act just hasn't been going well.
- Aw.
- Well she's got a picture of
San Diego Harbor on one knee
and a picture of a battle
ship on the other knee.
- And when she crosses her legs
it looks like the
fleets in, right?
(laughing)
As the more mature one
said a few moments ago fans,
tonight the mod
world looks at status.
Check out the world
What makes it happen
Look at the people around you
Are you reflecting
a smile on your face
Try it and it will astound you
- Well what's new with
the Jones's next door?
- Oh nothing, Jack came
down with the mumps.
Otherwise they wanted us
over to look at their new color TV.
- Hmm.
- Why can't we have
the things they have?
- Okay you got it.
- You're going out to
get me a new color TV?
- No I'm going next
door to get the mumps.
- Status in Burbank is having
finger holes in
your bowling ball.
- We have a black family
living in our building.
That's status.
- We have 100 living in our
building and that's crowded.
- Well I'm glad we could
get together for lunch today.
- So am I, so am I.
- Good afternoon Mr. Lafferty,
good afternoon Mr. Dan.
- Hello Andre.
- How are you Andre?
- Fine thank you.
- My usual table.
(laughing)
- My usual table Andre.
- Of course.
- Oh no, no, no, no, I
insist, my usual table.
- Oh but my table's
in a better spot.
- Oh on the contrary, I've
got the best table in the house
and I insist we
go to mine Andre.
- And I insist we go to mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
(loud thudding)
I'll be dining
alone today Andre.
- Of course, uh,
alright if I put him
at your table little fella?
(groovy music)
- I tell ya it
doesn't look right.
Here I am a big Hollywood star
and not one or our
kids in show business.
What'll the neighbors think?
- Well dear what
are we going to do?
- I'm gonna get my boy
Jack his own show on NBC.
- Well I feel he should
start at the bottom.
- Okay I'll get him
his own show on ABC.
- Status to an American
Indian is not having a nickel
with his head on it,
but just having a nickel.
- Well what's new with
the Jones's next door?
- Well he just bought her a
beautiful new pearl necklace.
Why can't you ever do
anything nice like that?
- Okay but what's she gonna
do with two pearl necklaces?
(audience laughing)
- [Narrator] For some
people status is gained
with the seriousness
of their illness.
- Well you don't
know what sick is.
My last operation, you know,
it took two doctors 12 hours
and they cut me from here
all the way down to here.
- So what.
I had two teams of doctors.
One cut me from here
all the way around 'til here.
- What was the other team for?
- Well they had to
hold me together.
- Oh you think that's bad?
You know last winter I had, are
you ready, double pneumonia.
- Oh.
I had triple pneumonia.
Not only that, they
removed one lung.
- I had both lungs removed
and my temperature was
all the way up to 106 degrees.
- Oh that's nothing.
My temperature
dropped to 32 degrees.
- Oh.
- The doctor who operated on
me came down with frostbite.
- Oh.
Eh over there, you've
been pretty quiet honey.
- Yeah how've you been.
- Don't ask me, I've
been dead for two years.
- She's the winner.
- Well so much for status.
- Well it's about time
somebody did something
about all that
noise on the radio.
- Oh that's static.
- [Dick] Oh.
- Status.
You're standing
in the community.
Keeping up with the Jones's.
That sort of thing.
- No thanks.
See I tried that once
and it about ruined
a wonderful weekend.
- Keeping up with the
Jones's ruined a weekend?
- That's funny, same
thing happened to me.
- No fooling.
- Yeah.
I was with this beautiful
blonde lady from Boston.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- We were at a resort see,
and there was this other guy
and he was pretty wild.
- I don't wanna hear it.
- So I figured I'd
do anything he did.
- And it didn't work?
- Well it seems he
was a sheik from Arabia
and he was on a
honeymoon with 15 wives.
- Must've been fun
while you lasted.
- No it didn't do much for me,
but there was a blonde lady
in Boston with some
pretty wonderful memories.
(audience laughing)
- Hmm, oh this could
develop into something serious.
Oh yeah this could be
the start of something big.
- Well I'll say.
If you don't put those things
in your ears I'm
gonna call the police.
- Boys in the lab
have done a fine job.
Our technicians
have built into a shoe
a collapsible life boat,
rations for 12 people,
and a complete
change of underwear.
- How did they manage to
squeeze all that into one shoe?
- Well it wasn't easy.
(audience laughing)
(silly music)
- Time.
- Peace.
- Well I certainly hope you
enjoyed the show tonight.
- I did and now if you'll
forgive me I've gotta run along.
- What's the hurry?
- Well I got a heavy date
and I wanna catch her
before she changes.
- Anybody I know?
- Myra Breckinridge.
- Oh well give her my best.
- I'll give her your
best, give him my best.
That didn't work
out right did it?
I'll ask Lawrence Harvey.
- Yes well just say goodnight.
Say goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
And goodnight Myra
Breckinridge whichever you are.
- Goodnight everybody,
hope you enjoy it.
- My candidate won the election.
- Honestly.
- Did you have to bring that up?
Now you ruined my whole day.
- You know I was thinking,
if Engelbert Humperdinck
fell and hurt himself all
over, he'd be a lumpy, humpy,
bumpy, grumpy, bumpy,
rumpy, Humperdinck.
- No, no, that's not humpy.
That's hum hum hum humpy.
- Hey Sonny of Sonny and Cher.
- Yeah.
- Hello Mr. Bono.
Hey Sonny why do
hummingbirds hum?
- Because they can't
dance you dummy.
- Dan.
- Yes Mrs. Bono.
- What should I do,
every night I dream of
100 screaming gorillas?
- Have you seen a doctor yet?
- No only hundreds
of screaming gorillas.
- Hey my sweet short Henry.
- Yes.
- How is your sweet,
short, sore foot?
- Oh I can't kick.
Every night I keep hearing
hundreds of screaming gorillas.
- You know George
Jessel had a date
with a gorgeous 21
year old girl last night?
- You know what happened to him?
- No.
- Neither does he.
(audience laughing)
- Hey Arte.
- Huh?
- How far did you go in school?
- Oh not much too farther
than a good night kiss.
- Oh cute.
- Hey Goldie.
- Whatie?
- What's that noise.
- What noise?
- Illinois.
Get it?
- Hey Gold.
- What?
- What's the racket?
- What racket?
- Tennis racket?
- Oh.
Oh I get it.
Dan?
- Yes Goldie.
- What's the noise?
- What noise?
- Tennis racket.
- Hey Cher of Sonny and Cher.
Hello Mrs. Bono.
- That's Mrs. Bono.
- I know.
Hey your new daughters
name is Chastity
and your new picture
is named Chastity.
Isn't that a little
confusing sometimes?
- Yes Dick.
I'll say the other day
someone called me to tell me
that Chastity was playing
in Chicago and I fainted.
Goodbye.
(all yelling)
- Byron.
I wore a bikini to
the beach yesterday
and everybody was staring at me.
- What did you do?
- I just shrugged it off.
(silly music)
(audience laughing)
- Well Mr. Kasmire
can you tell me
why you jumped out
the 14th story window?
(audience laughing)
(knocking on door)
- [Woman] Who is it?
- Neil Armstrong.
- Oh, oh.
That was one small step for man,
one giant leap
forward for mankind.
(screaming)
You're just like the rest.
- You've gone through
extensive training
and you've passed every test.
Now I'm going to test
your resistance to pain.
(loud thudding)
Obviously you're not ready.
- The preceding
show was prerecorded
and will be shown
sometime in the near past.
Meanwhile our foster
child letters to Laugh In
has been adopted by NBC and
may be enjoyed each afternoon
by laugh lovers everywhere.
I admit that's not too humorous
but we hated to surprise you
with a joke at this late hour.
- Very interesting.
And goodnight Miss Kate
Smith, you've got a lovely moon.
Good luck with your craters.
(clapping)