Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
(bright music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hey Diana, how did
you like doing that show
in Weehawken, New Jersey?
- I've never been to
Weehawken, New Jersey Goldie.
- Oh, well how did
you like doing that show
in Racine, Wisconsin?
- I've never been to
Racine, Wisconsin either.
- Oh.
Well what did you
think of performing
in Wickenburg, Arizona?
- Goldie, I've never been
to Wickenburg, Arizona
or Weehawken, New Jersey
or Racine, whatchu-call it.
Wisconsin.
- Wisconsin.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Diana] I've never been there.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute,
I'm not through yet!
For a big star, you
don't get around much!
(audience laughs)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall (mumbles)
Remember how they
opened with the animal act
Somebody bark bark
Somebody quack quack
The comic always came
before the (mumbles)
And George M. Cohen
always closed the bill
The laughs were
louder the actors prouder
Do you remember
vaudville (group laughs)
- Pamela, did you know
Detroit manufacturers
are way ahead of their time?
- How do you know that, Diana?
- They're already calling
back next year's cars!
(upbeat music)
- Gee Judy, medical
cost is sure going up.
You know my dentist charged
me $1,000 for root canal work.
- Boy, he's got a lot of nerves!
- And they're mine, all mine!
(audience laughs)
- Hey Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Guess what?
- What?
- I just heard
they're working on
a birth control pill for... men!
(Ruthie screams)
- Why that's ridiculous Joanne!
Men don't have babies anyway!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I took, oh.
I took a wonderful
memory course last week.
I mean, last August.
Or is it last week?
- Goldie, not only
are you delightful...
- Yes?
- But you're unforgettable!
- Who is?
(upbeat music)
- Hey Dan!
- Yes?
- Hi!
- Hi!
- You know what, my girlfriend
kept nagging her husband
to give her something
all the movie stars have.
- Oh?
- So we gave her divorce.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Pammy!
- Yes?
- You know what
Raquel Welch's
business manager said?
- What's what?
- There's gold in
them (mumbles) hills.
- And they're mine, all mine!
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Hey Arte!
(laughs)
Shut-Up Arte!
How do you time
a three minute egg?
- I don't know, I've never
ever been to an egg race!
(laughs)
- Hey Diana Ross,
sans The Supremes.
(laughs)
Do you know how gypsies
make chicken cacciatore?
- No Jo Anne, how do gypsies
make chicken cacciatore?
- Well second, they steal it.
Cacciatore!
(laughs)
- [Byron] Hey Teresa!
- (Mumbles)
- Do you ever think there gon'
be a black man on the moon?
- Listen, if George Wallace
is ever elected president,
there won't be nothing
else up there but!
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute!
That last joke if I'm not wrong,
is a George Wallace
cacciatore joke!
(Jo Anne laughs)
- Well it looks like we're
gonna have fun tonight.
- Well, wish I could
stay for the show
but I'm going horse back riding.
- You're going horseback riding?
- Yeah, I got the whole outfit:
10 gallon hat, chaps,
boots and a spur.
- You mean spurs.
You have to have two.
- No I mean spur!
- Well now how can you ride
a horse with just one spur?
- Well I figure if one side
of the horse starts runnin'
the other will too!
Let's tell a joke and set
the whole world laughing
Let's do some schtick
and send the clouds away
Remember Eva Tanguay
always tearing her hair
Singing a song I don't care
I used to love
the military toe-tap
That always put some
money in the (mumbles)
Some jokes (mumbles)
A trained gorilla
They laughed it up
in vaudeville ha ha
They laughed it up in
vaudeville (applause)
- And now from the
smoke filled room
at the beautiful downtown Burbank
sausage-makers convention,
NBC presents, A Lot of Bologna!
Known to weinie-lovers
everywhere as
The Rowan and Martin Laugh-In!
Starring two guys who
can still cut the mustard,
Dan Frank and Dick-furter!
And tonight's guess
goodie, Diana Ross,
Michael King and the following
(mumbles) hors d'oeuvres
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues,
and Burbank's own chicken
delight, Jo Anne Worley.
Also with relish,
here are the new kids
who can't be here tonight
due to a previous
commitment on Laugh-In:
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam...
- And me, I'm (mumbles)
You know, one of The Supremes.
(audience laughs)
- And yours, I love
you truly Gary Owens.
Also tonight for
the very first time
in full view of the
entire audience,
Morgo the friendly (mumbles)
will reveal the true identity
of Helmet (mumbles)
But first, this
thrilling message
from the good folk
who pay the bills.
- [Woman] The
cigarette with the flavor
that goes on and on and on.
(coughing)
- You think that's dull,
drab and uninteresting,
well here comes
the real nitty-gritty!
Dick!
(upbeat music)
- Cacciatore!
- And now, here are two
gentlemen who need no introduction
because they already
know each other.
Dan Rowan, coming
to you from high
atop the Empire State building
trying to rescue (mumbles)
from the clutches of his partner
the lovely Dick Martin.
(applause)
- (Mumbles)
- They need more (mumbles)
Hey, you're looking
very well tonight.
- Well I guess so.
I just spent the last 20
minutes in Palm Springs.
- Oh well, that'll do it for ya.
- You know it's a
marvelous place,
Palm Springs.
- Yeah.
- You know you can
rent sun lamps there now?
- Well what in the world
you wanna rent a sun lamp
in Palm Springs?
It's 110 degrees.
- So you can stay
in the house all day
and get a marvelous tan!
One tiny little fly
in the ointment.
- Usually is.
- Well, if you rent the sun
lamp and you don't pay for it...
- Yeah.
- They send a couple guys over
to take the lamp back.
- Well that figures.
- And then they
scrape the tan off.
- That sounds painful.
Especially if you haven't been
wearing your swimming outfit.
- Swimming outfit?
Well they could hear
me for miles around,
I'll guarantee it.
- Why's that?
- I may never play
volleyball at a
nudist colony again.
- You were in a nudist colony?
- I didn't know that!
No wonder I got
such a nice even tan.
(audience laughs)
- Moving right along,
here's the pied
piper of puberty,
the leaping lepor-cron
of the lolly pop set,
here's our very own Uncle Al.
(yells)
- [Woman] Hi Uncle Al!
- Hi!
- Hi Kids!
Hi!
- Hi Uncle Al!
- Hi there you
little sweethearts.
(laughs)
This is Uncle Al, this pal.
Hello little friends!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello.
(laughs)
Hello!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello...
Oh that was naughty Melissa!
Now let's open
Uncle's Al fun kit.
(audience laughs)
And now it's time
for the string game!
Who fixed this?
Now, we take and
put the string like this
to make a cat's cradle right?
- [Women] A what?
- Oh I don't know.
Anyway, that's what
we're gonna make today.
It's gonna be real fun.
First we take
our big...
- I like cats, Uncle Al!
- I bet you do dear.
Now, we take that and put the,
Uncle Al's hand here
and the (mumbles)
who wrote this?
Andy's hand right here.
Our little pinky-winky.
- [Woman] (mumbles)
- Is that I think...
I think I'll be right
here for some time.
This was Uncle
Al, the kiddies' pal.
Goodbye...
- Goodbye Uncle Al!
- That's wrong Melissa.
That's definitely wrong!
Goodbye kids!
Bye!
- Uncle Al!
- Bye!
(applause)
- He's nothing but his
room mate is outta sight!
(soft music)
- Poor Gabriel.
You know he's never been the
same since (mumbles) made it?
(audience laughs)
- I know it's none
of my business,
but really you should get
out of Vietnam you know.
It's a war you can't win
and you can't afford to lose.
It's much the same
position England was in
when your George Washington
started his ruckus with us.
(audience laughs)
(alarm clock ringing)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
I'm afraid first, I'll have to
clear that with my (buzzing)
(audience laughs)
If your conversation's
gettin' kind of bold
And rather witty
And proper folks that worry
you might hit the nitty-gritty
There's a sound going around
from Burbank to Chattanooga
Don't mean a bleep
or a boop-boop
We mean a-oo-ga
Go take the (mumbles)
Mr. Scream in a-oo-ga
Sister yell out a-oo-ga
Do the whole a-oo-ga scene
Hold my a-oo-ga sign
to kiss my a-oo-ga honey
Keep having (mumbles)
Hey Mr. Blue Nose
what does a-oo-ga mean
A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga
What in a-oo-ga
does a-oo-ga mean
A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga
A-oo-Ga (applause)
- And now it's time
once again for the man
who keeps America on its toes.
The man who's analysis
of international affairs
has been 98%
correct 2% of the time,
General Bull Wright.
- Alright America,
shape up or ship out.
It's General Bull Wright here.
Drop your socks
and grab your notes,
you people will take pencils.
What?
Hell, they know what I mean.
(audience laughs)
Over here, tonight my
commentary is brought to you
by the makers of
mace and tear gas.
Promising better things for
better living through chemistry.
Hundreds of satisfied users,
including the National Guard
and the Chicago
Police department.
They both carry the Reagan
peace-keeping seal of approval.
(audience laughs)
Alright, now (mumbles)
Over here.
Now in a serious vain.
Tonight I wanna talk about
all those bleeding heart liberals
who say our military
spending is too high.
Bull-der-dash!
Why, if anything
it's not high enough!
It's military spending
that put this country
into shape (mumbles)
Reminds you to keep it that way
(mumbles) nothing
more to work with
than a small limited
war in southeast Asia.
Now these weeping liberals
wanna take our good, what?
Now these weeping
liberals wanna take
our good defense dollars
for the poverty program.
Well I ask you...
What has poverty ever
done for your country?
Think about it.
Look alive, congress.
Give our nation what it needs
most, a guaranteed annual war!
(audience laughs)
Now at ease.
Secure for the night.
Smoke if ya got 'em.
I'd like to leave you
with this thought friends.
An America at war
with someone else
is an America at
peace with its self.
Remember, make war not love.
(audience laughs)
Still on?
- If the 82nd airborne
division is watching,
I love all you jumpers!
Hit the silk sweetie.
- Gravy booby!
- Hey everybody, be
sure to see that great
John Wayne soul
movie, True Grits!
(silly music)
- Hey, here's another
letter to Laugh-In
from nine-year-old Marty
Nash in Louisville, Kentucky.
And Marty, your two
dollars is on their way
for this two, for this little
line poem you sent us.
Pam, if you please?
- Roses are red
and violets are blue.
Dick has a bippy and so do you.
- That's not worth two dollars.
- How do you know?
You've never seen Dick's bippy.
- I wouldn't even
know where to look.
- Look up in the sky.
Gotcha! (woman screams)
(audience laughs)
- And now here's
another letter to Laugh-In
for which we are
happy to pay two dollars.
Would you care to read it, Dick?
Read it Dick.
- Oh, you're good at this.
- Yes.
- Be sure to watch
letters to Laugh-In on NBC
Monday through Friday
starting September 29th.
- Come on, that's not funny.
- Well I know that.
- And it's certainly
not worth two dollars.
- Well don't worry
NBC, we'll make up for it
in the next 60 seconds.
Watch this.
- Watch this one.
(cash register rings)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Cough.
- Sir.
- Yes miss?
- Excuse me sir.
- Yes?
- The wing is a sheet of flame
and we're losing altitude fast.
So if you're going to
order another drink,
I'd recommend you do it now.
- How'd you do that again?
(audience laughs)
- Madam, it doesn't matter
if you've had a bankruptcy,
lost your job, new in
town, have repossessions,
you'll have no credit
problems with us.
- But how can you do that?
- Cause you're gonna pay cash!
- Aha!
(silly music)
(audience laughs)
- Tonight Laugh-In takes a
penetrating look at insurance.
- Hey, I just bought one
from my cousin Harvey.
- Cousin Harvey's an
insurance man, huh?
- You better believe it.
You know, he's even got
me covered for monsoons,
volcanoes and Indian uprisings?
- Oh boy, have
you ever been had.
Monsoons only
happen in the tropics.
There are no
volcanoes in California
and there hasn't been an
Indian uprising in over 100 years.
- Aha!
- [Dan] Aha.
- But if I'm ever
climbing the Krakatoa...
- [Dan] Yes...
- In the rain...
- In the rain.
- And run into a nasty Navajo.
- Cousin Harvey's right there.
- Where?
- In the rain on
Krakatoa with an Indian.
- Well that sounds
dangerous here.
He oughta get himself
some insurance.
I wonder if he'd like to
meet my cousin Harvey.
- I don't wanna meet him.
Listen as I said friends
that tonight Laugh-In
takes a penetrating
look at insurance.
Did you ever hear that before?
- Yeah, my cousin
just sold me a policy.
This is us arm in
sling Bandaged head
Burning clothes Lying
down Falling a part
Et cetera et cetera
Oh the pain
concussion of the brain
Oh the back the (mumbles) act
Oh the neck the
car's a total wreck
Oh the trauma home embowlment
How'd we ever live
without insurance
How could we nearly die
without a good group plan
How'd we smash the car up
Burn the new den and bar up
Without the old insurance man
Givin' us trouble
Maybe you think you're in
good hands with (mumbles)
Buddy those hands could
have you by your premium
Sure you could buy protection
But when you tried collection
Maybe they treat ya like a bum
But they build those (mumbles)
Come the time for
(mumbles) your claim in
Frustration then cancellation
(bright music)
What would we ever
do without the whiplash
How could we get a cent
without the injured back
Why should we all stay healthy
When we could all be wealthy
Playing the hypochondriac
How could we ever
live without insurance
Statistics won't
tell They never do
(Mumbles) live without insurance
Rather carefully but
Oh the ache the
double compound break
Rather carefully but
Oh the head at
least a year in bed
Rather carefully but very well
Insure this (audience laughs)
- I'd like to collect on my
accident insurance policy.
- What happened to you?
- I was hit by a car
driven by a minister.
- Oh I'm sorry boy, you're not
covered against acts of God.
(audience laughs)
- By golly, Wacker
you've done it.
You have saved
Prudential Mutual a fortune!
- [Wacker] No kidding?
- Well just think of it.
- What?
- You actually proved
there's no such
thing as whiplash.
- That is exciting, isn't it?
- Well done, Wacker.
- My neck!
(audience laughs)
- I've got good news
for you, Mr. Rauschkin.
My company is reducing your
life insurance premiums,
four dollars a month.
- Hey that's outta sight.
How can you afford to do that?
- Well you see we don't just
rely on premiums for income.
Insurance companies take
your money and invest it.
As a matter of fact, we own
this building that you live in.
- But how can
buying this building
reduce our life insurance
premiums four dollars a month?
- That's very simple,
Mrs. Rauschkin.
We're raising your rent
seven dollars a month.
(audience laughs)
- I just found out what NBC's
group health plan means
by semi-private accommodations.
Three to a bed.
I think I'm coming
down with something.
(audience laughs)
- Cough.
Bubonic plague.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Here's my pill.
Now that's group insurance.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Excuse me, I'd like
to collect the benefits
on my life insurance policy.
I have been paying for 43 years
and now I need the money.
- I see sir, let me see.
According to your
policy, you have...
Well you're entitled to
$55,000 at the age of 65.
How old are you now?
- I'm 66.
- Sorry sir, you're one
year too late to collect.
(audience laughs)
- As future insurance
salesmen and women,
I think you should
all know about...
(stammers)
tables, which tell
the life expectancy
of the average person.
For instance,
according to our figures
one person will die
every five seconds.
(audience laughs)
(man groaning)
Oh.
Well on second thought,
maybe it's five persons
every one second.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Mother, you're
gonna be alright.
- No no son.
I've lived a full life.
It's all over.
- No mom, not you.
You can't go this way.
- Son remember, I
want you to take over
the family business
when I leave.
- I'll do my best.
- Oh I've worked hard.
I had my first success at 15
when I faked falling
down the stairs
at the local nickelodean.
Got a couple of
thousand for that.
- Frame claim is still
over the mantle piece, ma.
(woman laughs)
- I'll never forget that case
of fake stomach poisoning.
That settlement
bought us our house.
Remember son, seafood
restaurants are always the best.
Just grab your stomach
and cry out, it was a crab!
- Gonna be hard to
live up to your success.
- You can do it.
You can do it, oh
I'm proud of you son.
Oh, not many sons
could stay in a wheelchair
faking amnesia for
four years just to collect
on a kiddie car accident.
(man cries)
- What's a son for, mom?
Anyway that trip to Europe
more than compensated for it.
- Oh, you know we
could've afforded that
if your father hadn't
faked going blind
after he washed his face
in that soap the stars use!
- I know mom, I know!
Don't worry, I'll
look out for him.
- And remember, always
cheat the insurance company.
They expect it of you!
- You're dyin!
- Yes.
And now for the bad news.
(woman gasps)
Here I am covered in
double indemnity and
dying of natural causes.
- Not too late ma.
Can you just make
it down to the street?
- Oh God love ya!
That's my boy!
(applause)
- And that little exercise
in semantics friends
is what we euphemistically
call our look at insurance.
You know, I think we were
pretty harsh on those guys Dick.
- Well they deserve it.
They cancelled
my auto insurance.
- Oh really, you had
a lot of accidents?
- Well I just happened to
run over my insurance agent
while driving my new car.
- Ran over your
own insurance agent?
(mumbles) there's
a funny coincidence.
- Well actually I was on
my way to see my doctor see
and they're both
on the 12th floor.
- I see.
Well how did you run
over your insurance agent?
- I must've just
made a wrong turn
coming out of the elevator.
- That would explain it.
- Yeah, I don't understand it.
- Boy Goldie, that
Dick is really dumb.
- Yeah you know by
now, I think by now
I should know the 12th
floor is a one way floor.
- Yeah by now.
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
Hi.
- Hi!
- And now just to put
a smile on the face
of all those wonderful
folks at N, B, and C,
just you listen.
(cash register rings)
Ouch.
(audience laughs)
You know Goldie, a lot of
people think I'm really skinny.
- Yeah, well they wouldn't
mention it if you were taller.
- Well I'm tall and
people mention it.
- Sure, but you
lie about your age.
- On the other hand, you
girls must eat very little food.
- Well we have to
eat very little food.
Big food gets stuck.
(audience laughs)
- I was in a Burbank diner
and ordered kidney pie.
They said they didn't carry it.
It seems the hospital
refuses to deliver.
(audience laughs)
(humorous music)
- The station break.
This is a station break,
so don't let me fool ya.
NBC needs the moola.
(audience laughs)
(cash register rings)
Everybody loves
somebody Sometimes
- Now didn't you say listen,
that salesmen back
there, the cat with the...
The bald head?
- Mr. Jones, yes.
- He wouldn't talk
to me at all.
- Didn't you say
that you'd sell a car
regardless to race,
creed or color?
- That's right,
regardless of race,
creed or color of the car!
- Aha!
- We're a little
behind schedule sir.
Miss Beaglemen will
bring your tray right along.
(audience laughs)
- Here's your tray.
- Aha!
- Now it's time once
again for beat the band.
And here are your hosts
Marquee and Decide.
- Well wrinkle me prune.
- Speaking of Myra Breckinridge,
you know I still find
it difficult to accept
a book and now a motion picture
about a man who
turns into a woman.
- Well Gore Vidal wrote it.
- Well of course,
what would you expect
Gore Vidal to write
about, steam fitters?
(audience laughs)
- What party?
- What party, where
did you get to?
Was there a cut here I missed?
You sound like Henny Youngman.
- Oh I met him at a party.
- Henny Youngman?
- No, Gore Vidal.
- Funny you mention the party.
- What?
- Well it's time to go.
- No, it's not the same
if you have to be asked.
- Well if that's the way
you feel about it, don't go!
But they're expecting you.
- That's funny, I told
'em I was coming.
- Well maybe that's the reason
they don't know you're there.
- Well why don't
we both (mumbles)
(applause)
(energetic music)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
(audience laughs)
- Hey why don't you
come over to my place
Friday night for a late supper?
- How late?
- Oh, somewhere
around Sunday noon.
(audience laughs)
- Last Saturday, I
attended the wedding
of two old classmates.
The bride was my
classmate in high school.
The groom unfortunately
was my classmate in college.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- I simplified my
boss's filing system
and put everything under a.
A letter, a
customer, a contract.
Now I'm looking for a job.
(audience laughs)
- It is written that he would
chase the man-eating tiger
would be well to look in
the back streets of Rangoon
between nine and midnight.
(audience laughs)
- Boris and I joined a
sexual freedom league
and within two weeks,
our team took first place!
(audience laughs)
- Last night I
dreamed I fell asleep
in the middle of the freeway.
Golly, I got so scared!
I got scared so much,
I got moved over to the curb.
(audience laughs)
- I think secretary (mumbles)
would've had more luck
last summer if he had nominated
Dr. Knowles on a Wednesday.
AMA would've
been out playing golf.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- I regret to report
that The Beatles
have fall on hard times.
I saw them the other day
passing the same cigarette around.
(audience laughs)
- In my day, girl
skirts went up to there.
But not so often.
(audience laughs)
- Byron, I read the government's
paying Senator Eastland
$116,000 not to grow
anything on his farm.
- Dan, that ain't nothin'!
Brothers in my
neighborhood would be happy
not to grow it for
half that much.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- My latest underground movie,
The Sex Life of a Tossed
Salad opened last night.
The New York
critics didn't like it.
But Julia Child
gave it four stars!
Kiss the beaver.
(audience laughs)
- Well... Diana Ross,
you lost your belt.
Guess what darling, did you know
that Harry Belafonte's
career started
when his shirt came back
from the laundry sans buttons?
(laughs)
- Funny, that's how Jane
Fonda got started too.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
(applause)
- I hear they're making a
movie about the Civil War.
- Yeah.
- It's written, produced,
directed and acted
by black people.
It's a little different.
- Yeah, especially
the part where
Lincoln is freed
by the slaves, hon.
- Now here's an important word.
- Important.
- See, told ya it was important.
(playful music)
- Hello hello, I'm
your Judy doll.
You can wash my little hands,
you can wash my little face
but try to wash my
little body and I hit.
(audience laughs)
- And hit.
- And... really hit.
- Aren't you coming to
bed with me, my husband?
- It's the girl from next door!
She must be sleep walking.
- You realize it could be
fatal to wake a person up
in this condition?
- Yeah, yeah I know.
- Then whatever you
do, don't wake us up.
(audience laughs)
- You are my prisoner.
Give us your name,
rank and serial number.
- I won't tell you anything.
- Aha!
You know what we do to
prisoners that don't talk?
- No.
- He won't tell us
that either, well...
(audience laughs)
- Hey Goldie, what
happened to your wing?
- Well, I wasn't looking
where I was going
I flew right into
the pearly gates.
- You better be careful, you
could kill yourself that way.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
Guess what, here comes
the NBC theme song again!
(cash register ringing)
Missed.
I got rhythm Watch.
- Now don't worry about
the mechanical condition
of this car madam.
It's guaranteed for
20 miles or 10 years.
Whichever comes first.
- Aha!
(laughs)
- [Goldie] You rang?
- Aha!
- It's not working out today.
By Henry Gibson.
It's not working out today.
I just slipped over the
window, scratched the ceiling
and dropped the door off.
I wish it hadn't landed open.
I think my touch got out.
Maybe there's too much bump.
If you don't like long trips,
sit further away from things.
I think I'll go back
and start over.
(audience laughs)
(bright music)
It's not working out today.
- And then after the
house was burguled,
my new car broke down
right after the warranty ran out.
My canary came
down with laryngitis,
and the state building a freeway
straight through my rose garden!
(cries)
- That's the saddest
news I... (cries)
- Oh no.
That's good news.
Here comes the saddest
news you've ever heard.
If you are hip You
gonna take a trip
We're gonna take the
stray from your brain
And tell it like it is
(Mumbles) across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse you
We just (mumbles) our views
(Mumbles) ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (mumbles)
- [Dancers] Here's Dan!
(applause)
- And now the news...
Here with the
news in the present.
The man whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news.
- [Jo Anne] Who?
- Here's Ducky!
- Ducky!
- That's Dicky you quack!
- Him Dick, me quack.
(applause)
- Peace.
Production was halted today
on the filming of
The Love Machine
when two of the
actors forgot their parts.
(audience laughs)
The meat packers of
America met yesterday
to refute the
claim that they are
adulterating their products.
Unfortunately, the key
speaker ate a sample hot dog
and choked to death on
a piece of buffalo hoof.
(audience laughs)
In Hollywood, screen star
Audrey Hepburn agreed
to go topless in her next
movie, Adam and Eve
in which she co-stars
with Elizabeth Taylor.
Take it away, Goldie.
- Oh here, oh here with
the old future news (laughs)
Is that old future news
maker Dan Rowan.
There, that oughta hold you
Danny boy.
- That's fine.
Goldie... The podium.
- Oh.
Why do you have to think
of everything around here?
- Los Angeles, 1989.
Mayor Sam Yorty announced
that he has a solution
to L.A.'s critical
smog condition.
His plan calls for
thousands of gigantic fans
to be driven by thousands
of gigantic gasoline engines.
- [Man] Well at
least it's a lot cooler.
- Lima, 1989.
Peru today announced
a further extension
of its territorial waters.
Concurrent with this,
20 Peruvian sailors
seized a floating crap
game in downtown Detroit.
- Hey!
Once again from (mumbles)
Tinseltown, here's our
Hollywood reporter Ruth Buzzi
with the scoops of the day.
Here come your scoops
(Audience laughs)
- Where is it?
(papers rustling)
- Here is is, here it is!
- Oh.
- Last night...
- Yeah?
- Mrs. Steve McQueen
waited on the guests
at her party herself.
She used paper plates,
paper napkins and paper cups.
- Well, it looks
like splitsville
over at the Steve McQueen's.
Last night, his wife
served him with papers.
Bye from Buzzi.
- Now here's a real
Laugh-In prune wrinkler.
- If the American Revolution
had gone the other way,
you might've had a
queen in the white house.
If you had a queen
in the white house,
America might've
gone the other way.
(audience laughs)
- And now to give
you the low down
on all the goings on
in our nation's capital,
here's our man in Washington.
- Hello governments (mumbles)
This is Pam Rodgers,
your man in Washington.
I just came back from the
presidential press conference
and guess who was there?
The president!
Tune in next week for
another in-depth look
at our nation's capital.
Till then, adjourn sweeties.
Isn't my gavel something else?
- Hi, did you notice my hair?
(laughs)
Okay now, sports
lovers drop your socks
and grab your tinkle
cause... (bell rings)
Here's the loveliest
sport of them all,
Big Al himself, take
it away you old tinkle.
(laughs)
- Hi, Big Al here in
the old bad mitten ring.
Featurette.
Oh promise me anything
but give me a tinkle.
I just finished covering
the inter-collegiate
cross country hike.
All the way from New
York to Los Angeles.
Oh, her pain, blisters.
You wouldn't believe.
Especially when
I tried to sit down.
It was the end (mumbles)
Ta-ta.
Oh, I love my tinkle.
Tune in next week
and hear my ding-dong.
(bell rings)
Come on over to my pent
house, show you my Big Ben.
(bell rings)
Well that's it for
now bell buffs.
- My roommate just
loves Big Al's tinkle.
- Well once again, Laugh-In
takes you to Staton Corners
for the rural report
from our cracker barrel
philosopher Cyrus Quigley.
- Oh hello.
Why I was just readin'
about that bunch of hippies
come up to Stanton
Corners last night.
Took over Paley's goat farm
and barricaded
themselves in the barn.
Didn't do no good though.
After 15 minutes, the
barn door burst open
and 132 goats come
pouring out gaspin' for air.
(audience laughs)
And I see where they're
trying to discourage kids
from sniffing glue by
puttin' horseradish in it.
We only got one user in
town and now every time
he sniffs the stuff, he gets
an uncontrollable desire
to lay down on a
plate full of roast beef.
(audience laughs)
Well that's about it from
Stanton Corners for the night.
I'll see ya next
week, good night.
La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
Oh yeah - And now
musically speaking,
a sentimental journey
with Burt Backerack
and his band of (mumbles)
(stomping feet)
- I thought they
were on channel two.
(silly music)
- Bell.
- Barth.
- And now, here is Mrs. Mrs.
Somebody loves me I wonder who
- The following spring when
the country was in bloom,
we find her in
another part of the city.
When I was 25
It was a very good year
(laughs)
- Sorry sir, you're
sitting in the wrong seat.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
- That was almost as
funny as the Magna Carter
and about as old.
- You know I've been
meaning to ask you Dick.
I been meaning to ask you, Dick.
You haven't mentioned
your brother lately.
- Well, Dick said.
- Yes?
- That's my half brother.
- Your half brother?
- Yes.
- Well, how is he,
he queried.
- Well, he lost
his part time job.
- Now your half brother
lost his part time job.
- Yeah, he's semi-retired now
on the advice of
his psychiatrist.
- Well for heaven's sake,
he goes to a psychiatrist?
- Well he has a
split personality.
- Listen Jack, you really think
a psychiatrist can cure him?
- Well he's got a 50-50 chance.
- Let me get this straight:
you have a half brother,
lost his part time job,
and he is in semi-retirement
with a split personality
and he's now got a 50-50
chance of recovering?
- Yeah, you see...
He thinks he's four
different people.
Fortunately, two
of them just left.
(door bell rings)
- That must be my darling.
- [Announcer] Time
now for robot theater.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I have a surprise for you.
But first, a kiss.
(paper bag crumples)
- I am so excited.
What is in the bag?
- Your favorite, a complete
Chinese dinner for two.
- How delicious.
Could we start right away?
I am starved.
- Of course, my dear.
Some delicious fried rice.
(audience laughs)
And some chicken chow mein.
(glass breaks)
And your favorite, a lobster,
a bib for you.
- How wonderful, darling.
- Let me fix your bib.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, darling.
- Let me
fix your chair for you.
(plates crashing on floor)
- Thank you, darling.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
- You are so thoughtful.
- I really should apologize
for the British lack of interest
in your California earthquakes
(mumbles) of last spring.
You see, it wasn't
until I saw Burbank
that I realized that the
earthquake had actually happened.
(audience laughs)
- And now for the
first time this week
and the last time tonight,
it's time for the flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
indulgent index tonight?
- Well first, let me explain.
You see in April of 1968,
according to the
Associative Press
some Ku Klux Klansmen
rode through the colored section
of Smithfeild, North
Carolina brandishing guns.
- Aha, the Klan gets the
rigid digit.
- No no no, not this time.
Now in retaliation, there
were five young negroes
set fire to the
Klan headquarters
causing almost $100
worth of damage.
They must've completely
destroyed it.
- I guess so.
Well the kids get it then.
- No, no but they got it from
Superior Court Judge
William Wide Bicket.
He sentenced each of these
kids to 12 years in prison.
- Well the good judge felt
pretty strong
about it, didn't he?
- Well, he did then but not now.
You see he recently
said, "I don't mind admitting
"I might have made a
bad judgement, a mistake."
- So the judge
corrected his mistake
and lessened the sentence.
- No.
- No.
You mean...
- That's right.
Although he admits
he might've been wrong,
the judge says he has no
plans to alter his judgement.
- Well then
tonight's fickle finger
ought to go to Judge Bigot.
- That's Bicket.
- Bicket, I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
Whoops, Bicket
take this your honor
and see how the defense rests.
- Now of course we could be
wrong in giving it to you judge
but we have no plans to
alter our judgement either.
- Good for us.
- One further note if we may.
- You mean there's more?
- Just this, while Judge
Bicket wouldn't change his mind
the governor of North
Carolina, Robert W. Scott,
felt that there'd
been a little inequity
and he decided
to set things right.
- Don't tell me he
handed Judge Bicket
his personal
flying finger of fate?
- No, better than that.
He commuted the
sentence of the five men.
- Oh well there's some
good news tonight.
- But in the meantime,
Judge Bicket...
- And be sure and
tune in next week folk
when the Flying
Finkle Finger of Fate
or the pulsating pointed plunger
as Pop, our friendly
stage doorman called it,
goes to President (mumbles)
of South Vietnam for keeping
so many American boys
off the streets at night.
(audience laughs)
(humorous music)
- One more time!
Trust me.
(cash register rings)
(laughs)
Ain't no money in there.
- Well we certainly hope
you've enjoyed the show tonight
and that you will
all be back here
next week at the same time.
You'd like to add
something to that?
- Well it's been fun for
me to new but I just...
- Been fun for you to new?
- (Mumbles)
- Yes.
- But I'd rather not
talk about it.
I've got to go see some
rushes of Myra Breckinridge.
- You know, that sounds
like quite a picture.
You know I just
can't visualize though
Raquel Welch in men's clothes.
- I gotta suit I'd
like to see her in.
(laughs)
- Why don't you
bring it to the studio.
- I'm wearing it.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight Rackle.
- Raquel.
Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- On this very site on
Sunday December 7th, 1941
at 2:30 in the afternoon,
Burbank surrendered to Japan.
(audience laughs)
- Arte!
Arte, the police
are lookin' for a man
with one eye called Vernie.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What's his other eye called?
(laughs)
- Hey Henry!
- Yeah Alan?
- You know what would be nice?
If you and I took Diana
to see the national capital.
- Oh I can't do that Alan.
I'm taking her to Washington
D.C. this weekend.
- Those two boo-boos
ain't taking me no where!
- I took (mumbles)
hike last week.
Altogether, we lost 112 pounds.
Grandma was eaten by a bear.
- (Mumbles) wait!
No, there you see Dan!
- Yes?
- An Englishmen
doing chicken jokes!
- That wasn't a chicken
joke, it was bear!
- Oh, (mumbles) chicken
jokes how dreadful!
I'm (mumbles)
- (Mumbles) go away already.
Hey Pam, I hear
you quit going out
with that window salesmen.
- I had to, he gave me a pane.
(laughs)
- Who was it said
the buck stops here?
- I think it was Pocahontas.
- I think you're right.
- Mr. Michael Kane, you
are so quiet and subdued.
Are all Englishmen reserved?
- No, as a matter of
fact I'm free tonight.
(audience laughs)
- You know well that's too bad
cause I was gonna
invite you to dinner.
- Burbank has it's own space
program.
- Program!
- They drop a man out
of a five story building
onto a trampoline and
hope for an updraft.
- [Man] Very good!
- Ordering two egg foo
young from (mumbles)
or is it (mumbles)
for egg foo young?
- Goldie, you can't believe
anything (mumbles) says.
You know he's got such
a slanted point of view
about everything.
- Teresa, don't you dare
try to make any jokes
about race, creed or
religion on this show.
Right gang?
Hallelujah
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- Wait, wait!
Don't jump, there's
so much to live for.
Why there's the
college students, no.
There's (mumbles) no.
There's Ronald Reagan!
Okay, let's both jump.
- [Man] You're right!
- (Mumbles) one more.
- No, I'm sorry sir
you've had quite enough.
- Come on just one more.
- I'm sorry, you cannot
have another drink.
- Alright.
I'll go back to cockpit.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
and I think it's
safe to tell you now
tonight was one of
Lucy's better shows.
But for those who watch ABC, oh.
- And goodnight to
you too, Lucy and Gary.
- Oh Lucy, let Gary
see my show (mumbles)
will you please.
- New show?
When does it on?
- Well I'm next on NBC.
- Oh no, Bob Hope
is next on NBC.
- Well I'm Bob Hope.
- No you're not!
Bob Hope is up there.
- Where?
- Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
(chime)
(clapping)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hey Diana, how did
you like doing that show
in Weehawken, New Jersey?
- I've never been to
Weehawken, New Jersey Goldie.
- Oh, well how did
you like doing that show
in Racine, Wisconsin?
- I've never been to
Racine, Wisconsin either.
- Oh.
Well what did you
think of performing
in Wickenburg, Arizona?
- Goldie, I've never been
to Wickenburg, Arizona
or Weehawken, New Jersey
or Racine, whatchu-call it.
Wisconsin.
- Wisconsin.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Diana] I've never been there.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute,
I'm not through yet!
For a big star, you
don't get around much!
(audience laughs)
Does anybody here
remember vaudeville
Does anyone recall (mumbles)
Remember how they
opened with the animal act
Somebody bark bark
Somebody quack quack
The comic always came
before the (mumbles)
And George M. Cohen
always closed the bill
The laughs were
louder the actors prouder
Do you remember
vaudville (group laughs)
- Pamela, did you know
Detroit manufacturers
are way ahead of their time?
- How do you know that, Diana?
- They're already calling
back next year's cars!
(upbeat music)
- Gee Judy, medical
cost is sure going up.
You know my dentist charged
me $1,000 for root canal work.
- Boy, he's got a lot of nerves!
- And they're mine, all mine!
(audience laughs)
- Hey Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Guess what?
- What?
- I just heard
they're working on
a birth control pill for... men!
(Ruthie screams)
- Why that's ridiculous Joanne!
Men don't have babies anyway!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I took, oh.
I took a wonderful
memory course last week.
I mean, last August.
Or is it last week?
- Goldie, not only
are you delightful...
- Yes?
- But you're unforgettable!
- Who is?
(upbeat music)
- Hey Dan!
- Yes?
- Hi!
- Hi!
- You know what, my girlfriend
kept nagging her husband
to give her something
all the movie stars have.
- Oh?
- So we gave her divorce.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Pammy!
- Yes?
- You know what
Raquel Welch's
business manager said?
- What's what?
- There's gold in
them (mumbles) hills.
- And they're mine, all mine!
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- Hey Arte!
(laughs)
Shut-Up Arte!
How do you time
a three minute egg?
- I don't know, I've never
ever been to an egg race!
(laughs)
- Hey Diana Ross,
sans The Supremes.
(laughs)
Do you know how gypsies
make chicken cacciatore?
- No Jo Anne, how do gypsies
make chicken cacciatore?
- Well second, they steal it.
Cacciatore!
(laughs)
- [Byron] Hey Teresa!
- (Mumbles)
- Do you ever think there gon'
be a black man on the moon?
- Listen, if George Wallace
is ever elected president,
there won't be nothing
else up there but!
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute!
That last joke if I'm not wrong,
is a George Wallace
cacciatore joke!
(Jo Anne laughs)
- Well it looks like we're
gonna have fun tonight.
- Well, wish I could
stay for the show
but I'm going horse back riding.
- You're going horseback riding?
- Yeah, I got the whole outfit:
10 gallon hat, chaps,
boots and a spur.
- You mean spurs.
You have to have two.
- No I mean spur!
- Well now how can you ride
a horse with just one spur?
- Well I figure if one side
of the horse starts runnin'
the other will too!
Let's tell a joke and set
the whole world laughing
Let's do some schtick
and send the clouds away
Remember Eva Tanguay
always tearing her hair
Singing a song I don't care
I used to love
the military toe-tap
That always put some
money in the (mumbles)
Some jokes (mumbles)
A trained gorilla
They laughed it up
in vaudeville ha ha
They laughed it up in
vaudeville (applause)
- And now from the
smoke filled room
at the beautiful downtown Burbank
sausage-makers convention,
NBC presents, A Lot of Bologna!
Known to weinie-lovers
everywhere as
The Rowan and Martin Laugh-In!
Starring two guys who
can still cut the mustard,
Dan Frank and Dick-furter!
And tonight's guess
goodie, Diana Ross,
Michael King and the following
(mumbles) hors d'oeuvres
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues,
and Burbank's own chicken
delight, Jo Anne Worley.
Also with relish,
here are the new kids
who can't be here tonight
due to a previous
commitment on Laugh-In:
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam...
- And me, I'm (mumbles)
You know, one of The Supremes.
(audience laughs)
- And yours, I love
you truly Gary Owens.
Also tonight for
the very first time
in full view of the
entire audience,
Morgo the friendly (mumbles)
will reveal the true identity
of Helmet (mumbles)
But first, this
thrilling message
from the good folk
who pay the bills.
- [Woman] The
cigarette with the flavor
that goes on and on and on.
(coughing)
- You think that's dull,
drab and uninteresting,
well here comes
the real nitty-gritty!
Dick!
(upbeat music)
- Cacciatore!
- And now, here are two
gentlemen who need no introduction
because they already
know each other.
Dan Rowan, coming
to you from high
atop the Empire State building
trying to rescue (mumbles)
from the clutches of his partner
the lovely Dick Martin.
(applause)
- (Mumbles)
- They need more (mumbles)
Hey, you're looking
very well tonight.
- Well I guess so.
I just spent the last 20
minutes in Palm Springs.
- Oh well, that'll do it for ya.
- You know it's a
marvelous place,
Palm Springs.
- Yeah.
- You know you can
rent sun lamps there now?
- Well what in the world
you wanna rent a sun lamp
in Palm Springs?
It's 110 degrees.
- So you can stay
in the house all day
and get a marvelous tan!
One tiny little fly
in the ointment.
- Usually is.
- Well, if you rent the sun
lamp and you don't pay for it...
- Yeah.
- They send a couple guys over
to take the lamp back.
- Well that figures.
- And then they
scrape the tan off.
- That sounds painful.
Especially if you haven't been
wearing your swimming outfit.
- Swimming outfit?
Well they could hear
me for miles around,
I'll guarantee it.
- Why's that?
- I may never play
volleyball at a
nudist colony again.
- You were in a nudist colony?
- I didn't know that!
No wonder I got
such a nice even tan.
(audience laughs)
- Moving right along,
here's the pied
piper of puberty,
the leaping lepor-cron
of the lolly pop set,
here's our very own Uncle Al.
(yells)
- [Woman] Hi Uncle Al!
- Hi!
- Hi Kids!
Hi!
- Hi Uncle Al!
- Hi there you
little sweethearts.
(laughs)
This is Uncle Al, this pal.
Hello little friends!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello.
(laughs)
Hello!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello!
- Hello Uncle Al!
- Hello...
Oh that was naughty Melissa!
Now let's open
Uncle's Al fun kit.
(audience laughs)
And now it's time
for the string game!
Who fixed this?
Now, we take and
put the string like this
to make a cat's cradle right?
- [Women] A what?
- Oh I don't know.
Anyway, that's what
we're gonna make today.
It's gonna be real fun.
First we take
our big...
- I like cats, Uncle Al!
- I bet you do dear.
Now, we take that and put the,
Uncle Al's hand here
and the (mumbles)
who wrote this?
Andy's hand right here.
Our little pinky-winky.
- [Woman] (mumbles)
- Is that I think...
I think I'll be right
here for some time.
This was Uncle
Al, the kiddies' pal.
Goodbye...
- Goodbye Uncle Al!
- That's wrong Melissa.
That's definitely wrong!
Goodbye kids!
Bye!
- Uncle Al!
- Bye!
(applause)
- He's nothing but his
room mate is outta sight!
(soft music)
- Poor Gabriel.
You know he's never been the
same since (mumbles) made it?
(audience laughs)
- I know it's none
of my business,
but really you should get
out of Vietnam you know.
It's a war you can't win
and you can't afford to lose.
It's much the same
position England was in
when your George Washington
started his ruckus with us.
(audience laughs)
(alarm clock ringing)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
I'm afraid first, I'll have to
clear that with my (buzzing)
(audience laughs)
If your conversation's
gettin' kind of bold
And rather witty
And proper folks that worry
you might hit the nitty-gritty
There's a sound going around
from Burbank to Chattanooga
Don't mean a bleep
or a boop-boop
We mean a-oo-ga
Go take the (mumbles)
Mr. Scream in a-oo-ga
Sister yell out a-oo-ga
Do the whole a-oo-ga scene
Hold my a-oo-ga sign
to kiss my a-oo-ga honey
Keep having (mumbles)
Hey Mr. Blue Nose
what does a-oo-ga mean
A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga
What in a-oo-ga
does a-oo-ga mean
A-oo-Ga A-oo-Ga
A-oo-Ga (applause)
- And now it's time
once again for the man
who keeps America on its toes.
The man who's analysis
of international affairs
has been 98%
correct 2% of the time,
General Bull Wright.
- Alright America,
shape up or ship out.
It's General Bull Wright here.
Drop your socks
and grab your notes,
you people will take pencils.
What?
Hell, they know what I mean.
(audience laughs)
Over here, tonight my
commentary is brought to you
by the makers of
mace and tear gas.
Promising better things for
better living through chemistry.
Hundreds of satisfied users,
including the National Guard
and the Chicago
Police department.
They both carry the Reagan
peace-keeping seal of approval.
(audience laughs)
Alright, now (mumbles)
Over here.
Now in a serious vain.
Tonight I wanna talk about
all those bleeding heart liberals
who say our military
spending is too high.
Bull-der-dash!
Why, if anything
it's not high enough!
It's military spending
that put this country
into shape (mumbles)
Reminds you to keep it that way
(mumbles) nothing
more to work with
than a small limited
war in southeast Asia.
Now these weeping liberals
wanna take our good, what?
Now these weeping
liberals wanna take
our good defense dollars
for the poverty program.
Well I ask you...
What has poverty ever
done for your country?
Think about it.
Look alive, congress.
Give our nation what it needs
most, a guaranteed annual war!
(audience laughs)
Now at ease.
Secure for the night.
Smoke if ya got 'em.
I'd like to leave you
with this thought friends.
An America at war
with someone else
is an America at
peace with its self.
Remember, make war not love.
(audience laughs)
Still on?
- If the 82nd airborne
division is watching,
I love all you jumpers!
Hit the silk sweetie.
- Gravy booby!
- Hey everybody, be
sure to see that great
John Wayne soul
movie, True Grits!
(silly music)
- Hey, here's another
letter to Laugh-In
from nine-year-old Marty
Nash in Louisville, Kentucky.
And Marty, your two
dollars is on their way
for this two, for this little
line poem you sent us.
Pam, if you please?
- Roses are red
and violets are blue.
Dick has a bippy and so do you.
- That's not worth two dollars.
- How do you know?
You've never seen Dick's bippy.
- I wouldn't even
know where to look.
- Look up in the sky.
Gotcha! (woman screams)
(audience laughs)
- And now here's
another letter to Laugh-In
for which we are
happy to pay two dollars.
Would you care to read it, Dick?
Read it Dick.
- Oh, you're good at this.
- Yes.
- Be sure to watch
letters to Laugh-In on NBC
Monday through Friday
starting September 29th.
- Come on, that's not funny.
- Well I know that.
- And it's certainly
not worth two dollars.
- Well don't worry
NBC, we'll make up for it
in the next 60 seconds.
Watch this.
- Watch this one.
(cash register rings)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Cough.
- Sir.
- Yes miss?
- Excuse me sir.
- Yes?
- The wing is a sheet of flame
and we're losing altitude fast.
So if you're going to
order another drink,
I'd recommend you do it now.
- How'd you do that again?
(audience laughs)
- Madam, it doesn't matter
if you've had a bankruptcy,
lost your job, new in
town, have repossessions,
you'll have no credit
problems with us.
- But how can you do that?
- Cause you're gonna pay cash!
- Aha!
(silly music)
(audience laughs)
- Tonight Laugh-In takes a
penetrating look at insurance.
- Hey, I just bought one
from my cousin Harvey.
- Cousin Harvey's an
insurance man, huh?
- You better believe it.
You know, he's even got
me covered for monsoons,
volcanoes and Indian uprisings?
- Oh boy, have
you ever been had.
Monsoons only
happen in the tropics.
There are no
volcanoes in California
and there hasn't been an
Indian uprising in over 100 years.
- Aha!
- [Dan] Aha.
- But if I'm ever
climbing the Krakatoa...
- [Dan] Yes...
- In the rain...
- In the rain.
- And run into a nasty Navajo.
- Cousin Harvey's right there.
- Where?
- In the rain on
Krakatoa with an Indian.
- Well that sounds
dangerous here.
He oughta get himself
some insurance.
I wonder if he'd like to
meet my cousin Harvey.
- I don't wanna meet him.
Listen as I said friends
that tonight Laugh-In
takes a penetrating
look at insurance.
Did you ever hear that before?
- Yeah, my cousin
just sold me a policy.
This is us arm in
sling Bandaged head
Burning clothes Lying
down Falling a part
Et cetera et cetera
Oh the pain
concussion of the brain
Oh the back the (mumbles) act
Oh the neck the
car's a total wreck
Oh the trauma home embowlment
How'd we ever live
without insurance
How could we nearly die
without a good group plan
How'd we smash the car up
Burn the new den and bar up
Without the old insurance man
Givin' us trouble
Maybe you think you're in
good hands with (mumbles)
Buddy those hands could
have you by your premium
Sure you could buy protection
But when you tried collection
Maybe they treat ya like a bum
But they build those (mumbles)
Come the time for
(mumbles) your claim in
Frustration then cancellation
(bright music)
What would we ever
do without the whiplash
How could we get a cent
without the injured back
Why should we all stay healthy
When we could all be wealthy
Playing the hypochondriac
How could we ever
live without insurance
Statistics won't
tell They never do
(Mumbles) live without insurance
Rather carefully but
Oh the ache the
double compound break
Rather carefully but
Oh the head at
least a year in bed
Rather carefully but very well
Insure this (audience laughs)
- I'd like to collect on my
accident insurance policy.
- What happened to you?
- I was hit by a car
driven by a minister.
- Oh I'm sorry boy, you're not
covered against acts of God.
(audience laughs)
- By golly, Wacker
you've done it.
You have saved
Prudential Mutual a fortune!
- [Wacker] No kidding?
- Well just think of it.
- What?
- You actually proved
there's no such
thing as whiplash.
- That is exciting, isn't it?
- Well done, Wacker.
- My neck!
(audience laughs)
- I've got good news
for you, Mr. Rauschkin.
My company is reducing your
life insurance premiums,
four dollars a month.
- Hey that's outta sight.
How can you afford to do that?
- Well you see we don't just
rely on premiums for income.
Insurance companies take
your money and invest it.
As a matter of fact, we own
this building that you live in.
- But how can
buying this building
reduce our life insurance
premiums four dollars a month?
- That's very simple,
Mrs. Rauschkin.
We're raising your rent
seven dollars a month.
(audience laughs)
- I just found out what NBC's
group health plan means
by semi-private accommodations.
Three to a bed.
I think I'm coming
down with something.
(audience laughs)
- Cough.
Bubonic plague.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Here's my pill.
Now that's group insurance.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Excuse me, I'd like
to collect the benefits
on my life insurance policy.
I have been paying for 43 years
and now I need the money.
- I see sir, let me see.
According to your
policy, you have...
Well you're entitled to
$55,000 at the age of 65.
How old are you now?
- I'm 66.
- Sorry sir, you're one
year too late to collect.
(audience laughs)
- As future insurance
salesmen and women,
I think you should
all know about...
(stammers)
tables, which tell
the life expectancy
of the average person.
For instance,
according to our figures
one person will die
every five seconds.
(audience laughs)
(man groaning)
Oh.
Well on second thought,
maybe it's five persons
every one second.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Mother, you're
gonna be alright.
- No no son.
I've lived a full life.
It's all over.
- No mom, not you.
You can't go this way.
- Son remember, I
want you to take over
the family business
when I leave.
- I'll do my best.
- Oh I've worked hard.
I had my first success at 15
when I faked falling
down the stairs
at the local nickelodean.
Got a couple of
thousand for that.
- Frame claim is still
over the mantle piece, ma.
(woman laughs)
- I'll never forget that case
of fake stomach poisoning.
That settlement
bought us our house.
Remember son, seafood
restaurants are always the best.
Just grab your stomach
and cry out, it was a crab!
- Gonna be hard to
live up to your success.
- You can do it.
You can do it, oh
I'm proud of you son.
Oh, not many sons
could stay in a wheelchair
faking amnesia for
four years just to collect
on a kiddie car accident.
(man cries)
- What's a son for, mom?
Anyway that trip to Europe
more than compensated for it.
- Oh, you know we
could've afforded that
if your father hadn't
faked going blind
after he washed his face
in that soap the stars use!
- I know mom, I know!
Don't worry, I'll
look out for him.
- And remember, always
cheat the insurance company.
They expect it of you!
- You're dyin!
- Yes.
And now for the bad news.
(woman gasps)
Here I am covered in
double indemnity and
dying of natural causes.
- Not too late ma.
Can you just make
it down to the street?
- Oh God love ya!
That's my boy!
(applause)
- And that little exercise
in semantics friends
is what we euphemistically
call our look at insurance.
You know, I think we were
pretty harsh on those guys Dick.
- Well they deserve it.
They cancelled
my auto insurance.
- Oh really, you had
a lot of accidents?
- Well I just happened to
run over my insurance agent
while driving my new car.
- Ran over your
own insurance agent?
(mumbles) there's
a funny coincidence.
- Well actually I was on
my way to see my doctor see
and they're both
on the 12th floor.
- I see.
Well how did you run
over your insurance agent?
- I must've just
made a wrong turn
coming out of the elevator.
- That would explain it.
- Yeah, I don't understand it.
- Boy Goldie, that
Dick is really dumb.
- Yeah you know by
now, I think by now
I should know the 12th
floor is a one way floor.
- Yeah by now.
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
Hi.
- Hi!
- And now just to put
a smile on the face
of all those wonderful
folks at N, B, and C,
just you listen.
(cash register rings)
Ouch.
(audience laughs)
You know Goldie, a lot of
people think I'm really skinny.
- Yeah, well they wouldn't
mention it if you were taller.
- Well I'm tall and
people mention it.
- Sure, but you
lie about your age.
- On the other hand, you
girls must eat very little food.
- Well we have to
eat very little food.
Big food gets stuck.
(audience laughs)
- I was in a Burbank diner
and ordered kidney pie.
They said they didn't carry it.
It seems the hospital
refuses to deliver.
(audience laughs)
(humorous music)
- The station break.
This is a station break,
so don't let me fool ya.
NBC needs the moola.
(audience laughs)
(cash register rings)
Everybody loves
somebody Sometimes
- Now didn't you say listen,
that salesmen back
there, the cat with the...
The bald head?
- Mr. Jones, yes.
- He wouldn't talk
to me at all.
- Didn't you say
that you'd sell a car
regardless to race,
creed or color?
- That's right,
regardless of race,
creed or color of the car!
- Aha!
- We're a little
behind schedule sir.
Miss Beaglemen will
bring your tray right along.
(audience laughs)
- Here's your tray.
- Aha!
- Now it's time once
again for beat the band.
And here are your hosts
Marquee and Decide.
- Well wrinkle me prune.
- Speaking of Myra Breckinridge,
you know I still find
it difficult to accept
a book and now a motion picture
about a man who
turns into a woman.
- Well Gore Vidal wrote it.
- Well of course,
what would you expect
Gore Vidal to write
about, steam fitters?
(audience laughs)
- What party?
- What party, where
did you get to?
Was there a cut here I missed?
You sound like Henny Youngman.
- Oh I met him at a party.
- Henny Youngman?
- No, Gore Vidal.
- Funny you mention the party.
- What?
- Well it's time to go.
- No, it's not the same
if you have to be asked.
- Well if that's the way
you feel about it, don't go!
But they're expecting you.
- That's funny, I told
'em I was coming.
- Well maybe that's the reason
they don't know you're there.
- Well why don't
we both (mumbles)
(applause)
(energetic music)
- I now pronounce
you man and wife.
(audience laughs)
- Hey why don't you
come over to my place
Friday night for a late supper?
- How late?
- Oh, somewhere
around Sunday noon.
(audience laughs)
- Last Saturday, I
attended the wedding
of two old classmates.
The bride was my
classmate in high school.
The groom unfortunately
was my classmate in college.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- I simplified my
boss's filing system
and put everything under a.
A letter, a
customer, a contract.
Now I'm looking for a job.
(audience laughs)
- It is written that he would
chase the man-eating tiger
would be well to look in
the back streets of Rangoon
between nine and midnight.
(audience laughs)
- Boris and I joined a
sexual freedom league
and within two weeks,
our team took first place!
(audience laughs)
- Last night I
dreamed I fell asleep
in the middle of the freeway.
Golly, I got so scared!
I got scared so much,
I got moved over to the curb.
(audience laughs)
- I think secretary (mumbles)
would've had more luck
last summer if he had nominated
Dr. Knowles on a Wednesday.
AMA would've
been out playing golf.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- I regret to report
that The Beatles
have fall on hard times.
I saw them the other day
passing the same cigarette around.
(audience laughs)
- In my day, girl
skirts went up to there.
But not so often.
(audience laughs)
- Byron, I read the government's
paying Senator Eastland
$116,000 not to grow
anything on his farm.
- Dan, that ain't nothin'!
Brothers in my
neighborhood would be happy
not to grow it for
half that much.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
- My latest underground movie,
The Sex Life of a Tossed
Salad opened last night.
The New York
critics didn't like it.
But Julia Child
gave it four stars!
Kiss the beaver.
(audience laughs)
- Well... Diana Ross,
you lost your belt.
Guess what darling, did you know
that Harry Belafonte's
career started
when his shirt came back
from the laundry sans buttons?
(laughs)
- Funny, that's how Jane
Fonda got started too.
(audience laughs)
(energetic music)
(applause)
- I hear they're making a
movie about the Civil War.
- Yeah.
- It's written, produced,
directed and acted
by black people.
It's a little different.
- Yeah, especially
the part where
Lincoln is freed
by the slaves, hon.
- Now here's an important word.
- Important.
- See, told ya it was important.
(playful music)
- Hello hello, I'm
your Judy doll.
You can wash my little hands,
you can wash my little face
but try to wash my
little body and I hit.
(audience laughs)
- And hit.
- And... really hit.
- Aren't you coming to
bed with me, my husband?
- It's the girl from next door!
She must be sleep walking.
- You realize it could be
fatal to wake a person up
in this condition?
- Yeah, yeah I know.
- Then whatever you
do, don't wake us up.
(audience laughs)
- You are my prisoner.
Give us your name,
rank and serial number.
- I won't tell you anything.
- Aha!
You know what we do to
prisoners that don't talk?
- No.
- He won't tell us
that either, well...
(audience laughs)
- Hey Goldie, what
happened to your wing?
- Well, I wasn't looking
where I was going
I flew right into
the pearly gates.
- You better be careful, you
could kill yourself that way.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
Guess what, here comes
the NBC theme song again!
(cash register ringing)
Missed.
I got rhythm Watch.
- Now don't worry about
the mechanical condition
of this car madam.
It's guaranteed for
20 miles or 10 years.
Whichever comes first.
- Aha!
(laughs)
- [Goldie] You rang?
- Aha!
- It's not working out today.
By Henry Gibson.
It's not working out today.
I just slipped over the
window, scratched the ceiling
and dropped the door off.
I wish it hadn't landed open.
I think my touch got out.
Maybe there's too much bump.
If you don't like long trips,
sit further away from things.
I think I'll go back
and start over.
(audience laughs)
(bright music)
It's not working out today.
- And then after the
house was burguled,
my new car broke down
right after the warranty ran out.
My canary came
down with laryngitis,
and the state building a freeway
straight through my rose garden!
(cries)
- That's the saddest
news I... (cries)
- Oh no.
That's good news.
Here comes the saddest
news you've ever heard.
If you are hip You
gonna take a trip
We're gonna take the
stray from your brain
And tell it like it is
(Mumbles) across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope we'll amuse you
We just (mumbles) our views
(Mumbles) ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan (mumbles)
- [Dancers] Here's Dan!
(applause)
- And now the news...
Here with the
news in the present.
The man whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news.
- [Jo Anne] Who?
- Here's Ducky!
- Ducky!
- That's Dicky you quack!
- Him Dick, me quack.
(applause)
- Peace.
Production was halted today
on the filming of
The Love Machine
when two of the
actors forgot their parts.
(audience laughs)
The meat packers of
America met yesterday
to refute the
claim that they are
adulterating their products.
Unfortunately, the key
speaker ate a sample hot dog
and choked to death on
a piece of buffalo hoof.
(audience laughs)
In Hollywood, screen star
Audrey Hepburn agreed
to go topless in her next
movie, Adam and Eve
in which she co-stars
with Elizabeth Taylor.
Take it away, Goldie.
- Oh here, oh here with
the old future news (laughs)
Is that old future news
maker Dan Rowan.
There, that oughta hold you
Danny boy.
- That's fine.
Goldie... The podium.
- Oh.
Why do you have to think
of everything around here?
- Los Angeles, 1989.
Mayor Sam Yorty announced
that he has a solution
to L.A.'s critical
smog condition.
His plan calls for
thousands of gigantic fans
to be driven by thousands
of gigantic gasoline engines.
- [Man] Well at
least it's a lot cooler.
- Lima, 1989.
Peru today announced
a further extension
of its territorial waters.
Concurrent with this,
20 Peruvian sailors
seized a floating crap
game in downtown Detroit.
- Hey!
Once again from (mumbles)
Tinseltown, here's our
Hollywood reporter Ruth Buzzi
with the scoops of the day.
Here come your scoops
(Audience laughs)
- Where is it?
(papers rustling)
- Here is is, here it is!
- Oh.
- Last night...
- Yeah?
- Mrs. Steve McQueen
waited on the guests
at her party herself.
She used paper plates,
paper napkins and paper cups.
- Well, it looks
like splitsville
over at the Steve McQueen's.
Last night, his wife
served him with papers.
Bye from Buzzi.
- Now here's a real
Laugh-In prune wrinkler.
- If the American Revolution
had gone the other way,
you might've had a
queen in the white house.
If you had a queen
in the white house,
America might've
gone the other way.
(audience laughs)
- And now to give
you the low down
on all the goings on
in our nation's capital,
here's our man in Washington.
- Hello governments (mumbles)
This is Pam Rodgers,
your man in Washington.
I just came back from the
presidential press conference
and guess who was there?
The president!
Tune in next week for
another in-depth look
at our nation's capital.
Till then, adjourn sweeties.
Isn't my gavel something else?
- Hi, did you notice my hair?
(laughs)
Okay now, sports
lovers drop your socks
and grab your tinkle
cause... (bell rings)
Here's the loveliest
sport of them all,
Big Al himself, take
it away you old tinkle.
(laughs)
- Hi, Big Al here in
the old bad mitten ring.
Featurette.
Oh promise me anything
but give me a tinkle.
I just finished covering
the inter-collegiate
cross country hike.
All the way from New
York to Los Angeles.
Oh, her pain, blisters.
You wouldn't believe.
Especially when
I tried to sit down.
It was the end (mumbles)
Ta-ta.
Oh, I love my tinkle.
Tune in next week
and hear my ding-dong.
(bell rings)
Come on over to my pent
house, show you my Big Ben.
(bell rings)
Well that's it for
now bell buffs.
- My roommate just
loves Big Al's tinkle.
- Well once again, Laugh-In
takes you to Staton Corners
for the rural report
from our cracker barrel
philosopher Cyrus Quigley.
- Oh hello.
Why I was just readin'
about that bunch of hippies
come up to Stanton
Corners last night.
Took over Paley's goat farm
and barricaded
themselves in the barn.
Didn't do no good though.
After 15 minutes, the
barn door burst open
and 132 goats come
pouring out gaspin' for air.
(audience laughs)
And I see where they're
trying to discourage kids
from sniffing glue by
puttin' horseradish in it.
We only got one user in
town and now every time
he sniffs the stuff, he gets
an uncontrollable desire
to lay down on a
plate full of roast beef.
(audience laughs)
Well that's about it from
Stanton Corners for the night.
I'll see ya next
week, good night.
La da di da
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looked at the news
Oh yeah - And now
musically speaking,
a sentimental journey
with Burt Backerack
and his band of (mumbles)
(stomping feet)
- I thought they
were on channel two.
(silly music)
- Bell.
- Barth.
- And now, here is Mrs. Mrs.
Somebody loves me I wonder who
- The following spring when
the country was in bloom,
we find her in
another part of the city.
When I was 25
It was a very good year
(laughs)
- Sorry sir, you're
sitting in the wrong seat.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
- That was almost as
funny as the Magna Carter
and about as old.
- You know I've been
meaning to ask you Dick.
I been meaning to ask you, Dick.
You haven't mentioned
your brother lately.
- Well, Dick said.
- Yes?
- That's my half brother.
- Your half brother?
- Yes.
- Well, how is he,
he queried.
- Well, he lost
his part time job.
- Now your half brother
lost his part time job.
- Yeah, he's semi-retired now
on the advice of
his psychiatrist.
- Well for heaven's sake,
he goes to a psychiatrist?
- Well he has a
split personality.
- Listen Jack, you really think
a psychiatrist can cure him?
- Well he's got a 50-50 chance.
- Let me get this straight:
you have a half brother,
lost his part time job,
and he is in semi-retirement
with a split personality
and he's now got a 50-50
chance of recovering?
- Yeah, you see...
He thinks he's four
different people.
Fortunately, two
of them just left.
(door bell rings)
- That must be my darling.
- [Announcer] Time
now for robot theater.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I have a surprise for you.
But first, a kiss.
(paper bag crumples)
- I am so excited.
What is in the bag?
- Your favorite, a complete
Chinese dinner for two.
- How delicious.
Could we start right away?
I am starved.
- Of course, my dear.
Some delicious fried rice.
(audience laughs)
And some chicken chow mein.
(glass breaks)
And your favorite, a lobster,
a bib for you.
- How wonderful, darling.
- Let me fix your bib.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, darling.
- Let me
fix your chair for you.
(plates crashing on floor)
- Thank you, darling.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
- You are so thoughtful.
- I really should apologize
for the British lack of interest
in your California earthquakes
(mumbles) of last spring.
You see, it wasn't
until I saw Burbank
that I realized that the
earthquake had actually happened.
(audience laughs)
- And now for the
first time this week
and the last time tonight,
it's time for the flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
indulgent index tonight?
- Well first, let me explain.
You see in April of 1968,
according to the
Associative Press
some Ku Klux Klansmen
rode through the colored section
of Smithfeild, North
Carolina brandishing guns.
- Aha, the Klan gets the
rigid digit.
- No no no, not this time.
Now in retaliation, there
were five young negroes
set fire to the
Klan headquarters
causing almost $100
worth of damage.
They must've completely
destroyed it.
- I guess so.
Well the kids get it then.
- No, no but they got it from
Superior Court Judge
William Wide Bicket.
He sentenced each of these
kids to 12 years in prison.
- Well the good judge felt
pretty strong
about it, didn't he?
- Well, he did then but not now.
You see he recently
said, "I don't mind admitting
"I might have made a
bad judgement, a mistake."
- So the judge
corrected his mistake
and lessened the sentence.
- No.
- No.
You mean...
- That's right.
Although he admits
he might've been wrong,
the judge says he has no
plans to alter his judgement.
- Well then
tonight's fickle finger
ought to go to Judge Bigot.
- That's Bicket.
- Bicket, I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
Whoops, Bicket
take this your honor
and see how the defense rests.
- Now of course we could be
wrong in giving it to you judge
but we have no plans to
alter our judgement either.
- Good for us.
- One further note if we may.
- You mean there's more?
- Just this, while Judge
Bicket wouldn't change his mind
the governor of North
Carolina, Robert W. Scott,
felt that there'd
been a little inequity
and he decided
to set things right.
- Don't tell me he
handed Judge Bicket
his personal
flying finger of fate?
- No, better than that.
He commuted the
sentence of the five men.
- Oh well there's some
good news tonight.
- But in the meantime,
Judge Bicket...
- And be sure and
tune in next week folk
when the Flying
Finkle Finger of Fate
or the pulsating pointed plunger
as Pop, our friendly
stage doorman called it,
goes to President (mumbles)
of South Vietnam for keeping
so many American boys
off the streets at night.
(audience laughs)
(humorous music)
- One more time!
Trust me.
(cash register rings)
(laughs)
Ain't no money in there.
- Well we certainly hope
you've enjoyed the show tonight
and that you will
all be back here
next week at the same time.
You'd like to add
something to that?
- Well it's been fun for
me to new but I just...
- Been fun for you to new?
- (Mumbles)
- Yes.
- But I'd rather not
talk about it.
I've got to go see some
rushes of Myra Breckinridge.
- You know, that sounds
like quite a picture.
You know I just
can't visualize though
Raquel Welch in men's clothes.
- I gotta suit I'd
like to see her in.
(laughs)
- Why don't you
bring it to the studio.
- I'm wearing it.
(audience laughs)
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight Rackle.
- Raquel.
Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- On this very site on
Sunday December 7th, 1941
at 2:30 in the afternoon,
Burbank surrendered to Japan.
(audience laughs)
- Arte!
Arte, the police
are lookin' for a man
with one eye called Vernie.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What's his other eye called?
(laughs)
- Hey Henry!
- Yeah Alan?
- You know what would be nice?
If you and I took Diana
to see the national capital.
- Oh I can't do that Alan.
I'm taking her to Washington
D.C. this weekend.
- Those two boo-boos
ain't taking me no where!
- I took (mumbles)
hike last week.
Altogether, we lost 112 pounds.
Grandma was eaten by a bear.
- (Mumbles) wait!
No, there you see Dan!
- Yes?
- An Englishmen
doing chicken jokes!
- That wasn't a chicken
joke, it was bear!
- Oh, (mumbles) chicken
jokes how dreadful!
I'm (mumbles)
- (Mumbles) go away already.
Hey Pam, I hear
you quit going out
with that window salesmen.
- I had to, he gave me a pane.
(laughs)
- Who was it said
the buck stops here?
- I think it was Pocahontas.
- I think you're right.
- Mr. Michael Kane, you
are so quiet and subdued.
Are all Englishmen reserved?
- No, as a matter of
fact I'm free tonight.
(audience laughs)
- You know well that's too bad
cause I was gonna
invite you to dinner.
- Burbank has it's own space
program.
- Program!
- They drop a man out
of a five story building
onto a trampoline and
hope for an updraft.
- [Man] Very good!
- Ordering two egg foo
young from (mumbles)
or is it (mumbles)
for egg foo young?
- Goldie, you can't believe
anything (mumbles) says.
You know he's got such
a slanted point of view
about everything.
- Teresa, don't you dare
try to make any jokes
about race, creed or
religion on this show.
Right gang?
Hallelujah
(cheery music)
(audience laughs)
(cheery music)
- Wait, wait!
Don't jump, there's
so much to live for.
Why there's the
college students, no.
There's (mumbles) no.
There's Ronald Reagan!
Okay, let's both jump.
- [Man] You're right!
- (Mumbles) one more.
- No, I'm sorry sir
you've had quite enough.
- Come on just one more.
- I'm sorry, you cannot
have another drink.
- Alright.
I'll go back to cockpit.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
and I think it's
safe to tell you now
tonight was one of
Lucy's better shows.
But for those who watch ABC, oh.
- And goodnight to
you too, Lucy and Gary.
- Oh Lucy, let Gary
see my show (mumbles)
will you please.
- New show?
When does it on?
- Well I'm next on NBC.
- Oh no, Bob Hope
is next on NBC.
- Well I'm Bob Hope.
- No you're not!
Bob Hope is up there.
- Where?
- Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
(chime)
(clapping)