Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hey, Goldie.
- What?
- You wanna join a group?
- Oh, all you guys do
is just monkey around.
(audience laughs)
- Recently the
Department of Agriculture
allowed the meat packers of
America to put chicken meat
in their hot dogs.
- Is nothing sacred?
The great American
hot dog is chicken?
(audience laughs)
- No wonder weenie
lovers are up in arms.
The chicken has replaced
the great American weenie.
- Hey, now I'm confused.
Which came first the
weenie or the egg?
(audience laughs)
Everybody's talking 'bout
The silly chicken weenie
That's really absurd kid
A weenie's no bird kid
Out and out murder
to the frankfurter
Why would anybody
get so talkie with a chickie
That really is foul kid
It's making us howl kid
(singing vaudeville flourish)
You may dig you're
spinach and custard
Chicken doesn't
make it with mustard
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- How do you make
a Polish weenie?
- Easy, first you
steal an ugly chicken.
(audience laughs)
- Why did the weenie
cross the road?
- Oh, for some fowl reason.
(audience laughs)
- Item: Haiti, voodoo.
Priests are casting spells
by drawing chalk circles
and nailing weenies to the door.
(audience laughs)
- Last night for dinner
I sent out for some
finger licking weenies.
(audience laughs)
(screams)
- Take this super
weenie you yelling yo-yo.
- Come out of that chicken
coop with your hands up.
- Oh man, there ain't
nobody here but us weenies.
(audience laughs)
- Item: Detroit.
One of the nation's
leading meat packers
has just recalled
100,000 weenies
for defective beaks and claws.
(audience laughs)
- Foxy Loxy!
Foxy Loxy!
The sky is falling!
- Who are you?
- Weenie Little I am.
(audience laughs)
- Item: beautiful
downtown Burbank.
The Burbank zoo was
wiped out last night
when meat hijackers
made off with the chicken.
(audience laughs)
(Jo Anne singing nonsense)
(singing vaudeville flourish)
Chocolate sauce
on turkey is swell-ish
We don't dig our
chicken with relish
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- It really isn't Kosher.
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- Who ordered
chicken knockwurst?
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
(singing vaudevillian flourish)
(audience applauds)
- You ever try to
pluck a weenie?
(audience laughs)
- God heavens, I think
you must be coming down
with weenie pox.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the bridal
suite at the beautiful downtown
Burbank zoo and
Lingerie Corsetoreum,
NBC opens the cages
and releases a herd
of laughing hyenas
know as Rowan and Martin
herd of Laugh-In hyenas.
Staring:
the head keeper Dan Rowan,
and his delightful and
faithful number one boy,
Dick Ungawa Martin.
With special guest
wildlife, the Monkees,
who tonight will be seen
in the clever disguise
of Davy Jones, Micky
Dolenz, and Mike Nesmith.
Plus these recently
brought back alive delights:
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues,
who tonight will appear
as the beautiful and talented
Jo Anne Worley.
And the following new trophies:
Jeremy Lloyd,
Teresa Graves, Byron Gilliam,
Pamela Rodgers, and
yours truly, Gary Owen.
With Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb,
who tonight, for the
first time anywhere,
will sing in his own voice.
But before we feed the cast,
we must put some
bread on NBC's table.
- Gee, you really
put that butt out fast.
- After awhile they
all lose their taste.
(audience laughs)
- Try one of mine.
- That's what we call a fool.
It's set up for the real thing.
And know, folk,
we're really gonna
ring NBC's chimes.
(yells)
(register dinging)
As Flip would say.
(register dinging)
- Fuzzy.
- Wuzzy.
- Backwards it sounds like.
- Wuzzy.
- Fuzzy.
- I'd be tickled to
death to find out.
(audience laughs)
- [God] And don't come back.
(cans clattering)
- And now, direct from
the Garden of Eden,
here are Dan Rowan
and the apple of his eye,
Eve Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you.
- Happy you could
all be with us tonight.
- Thank you.
It's tough to get 10,000
people in here but it's...
- I'm certainly happy
you could make it.
- I'm always happy
when I can make it.
(audience laughs)
- What I meant to say, Orville,
was, that I haven't been seeing
you around lately this week.
- Well, I've been
catching up on my reading.
You know there's a
bunch of fascinating items
in the Farm Journal.
- You've been reading
the Farm Journal?
- That's funny, so have I.
- [Dan] Isn't that
a coincidence?
- You know, this week
there's a story about a farmer
who has a chicken
with three legs?
- I didn't see that.
A chicken with three legs?
- Yup.
Poor thing thinks she's
a camera on a tripod.
- Now that'll make a mental
case out of any chicken.
- The farmer's going nuts
because every time she lays an egg
he has to focus her.
- Oh dear.
(audience laughs)
Now I suppose,
according to the cue cards,
you're gonna tell me that
he also has a cow that drinks.
- Now if you don't think
that creates a problem,
because come milkin'
time she sits on the stool.
(audience laughs)
- That's what they
mean by contented cows.
- I'll say she's contented.
Every night, martinis,
martinis, martinis.
- She drinks martinis?
- Yeah, one morning
the farmer milked her
and got four quarts
of stuffed olives.
- Oh dear.
How could a cow
give stuffed olives?
- One at a time
and very painfully.
(audience laughs)
- Those toothpicks are murder.
- Oh!
(gavel banging)
- A petition has been put
before this district court
requesting rezoning on
the basis that this court
is too near the airport.
Council in favor of the move
will please state his case.
- Yes, your honor.
There are many of us who feel
that the planes are too close...
(jet engine roaring)
And such that they
provide too much noise
over the entire area.
- Council for the
opposition will now speak.
(gavel banging)
- Your honor, whoever
made this petition
is completely out of control.
For one thing, we're...
(engines blaring)
Easily half a block
away from the airport.
Most of the pilots
are really nice.
- Okay.
You have been heard.
Now the bench rules.
- One moment, one moment.
How can the court
make a decision
when I can't even...
(engines roaring)
hear what the court is saying?
- The bench... (engine roaring)
The bench is...
- I can't hear anything...
- The bench.
- Because it's all
together too loud.
- The bench is not able to
understand the council's request.
Due to the...
(jets roaring)
(council shouting)
- Will you hold
that yelling down,
we're trying to run
an airport next door.
(audience laughs)
- Time now, folk, for
another Letter to Laugh-In.
$2 are already winging
their way to Arthur Brehob,
of Indianapolis, Indiana
for these two dillies.
- Dilly, dilly.
(audience laughs)
- Alright.
Works out to
about a buck a dilly.
- Tyrone, you sure
know how to pick a dilly.
- If he tries to pick my dilly
I'll break every
bone in his body.
- You've talked me into it,
you smooth talking
little beauty, you.
(purse pounding)
Now that was a dilly.
(audience laughs)
- I've got some good news,
and some bad news.
First, I had a date with
Myra Breckinridge last night.
Now for the bad news:
neither of them showed up.
(audience laughs)
Think about it.
(audience laughs)
- There are ghosties,
and ghoulies,
and things that go
bump in the night,
and all these things come to you
through the contact
from the other side:
Laugh-In super
witch, Judy Carne.
Hey, Jude.
- Hello, Judy Carne,
super witch here.
Bringing you news
from the other side.
I see General Washington
in deep trouble with Martha.
I see Martha overhearing
the general say
that he really wasn't the
father of our whole country,
but that he had done his share.
(audience laughs)
I see Van Gogh trying
to keep his glasses on.
I see Sitting Bull standing.
I see Standing Bull sitting.
I see my time is up.
This is Judy Carne, super witch,
with news from the other side.
I see me leaving.
This is me leaving.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(drum banging)
- Now remember, right after
stuck a feather in his cap,
and called it macaroni,
I get to do me solo.
Okay?
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
(ball thumps)
(audience laughs)
("Minsky Pickup")
- Copa.
- Cabana.
- Backwards sounds like.
- Caka-bana-mana-cop.
- That's easy for you to say.
- No, not really.
(audience laughs)
- And now let us pray.
(register dinging)
(fanfare music)
- Tea.
- Cup.
- Now that's a big girl.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
Who said "There are no
more worlds to conquer,
"no more mountains to climb?"
- Richard Burton.
(audience laughs)
- I really didn't
want an answer.
It was a rhetorical question.
- I know, that's why I retorted.
- Be that as it may, to
those of you who think
there isn't any
new ground to plow,
I would like you to realize...
- Sounds a lot like
Richard Burton again.
(audience laughs)
- There's always room in
the world for new enterprise.
And so tonight we
hail... (triumphant music)
The Esquire Travel
Service of New York.
According to Newsweek magazine
these chaps are
offering, and I quote,
"$1,000 Las Vegas
divorce package."
Which includes a lawyer,
and a sight seeing trip.
- My goodness,
something like that makes
the whole thing worthwhile.
- I think so, but there's more.
Some of our Canadian cousins
are offering something just
a shade more enterprising.
- What's hot in the
frozen north now?
- Well, the Los Angeles
Times has this item
about a used car dealer in
Vancouver, British Columbia.
Quote,
"Joe Hargett has gone into
the divorce financing business."
And his ad says "No money
down, 30 months to pay,
"and only a 2% fee."
- I'll see you later.
I'm gonna go get married.
- You're gonna get married?
- Oh sure.
The way I figure it, you see,
for $1000 I can
subscribe to Esquire,
fool around in Joe
Hargett's car for 30 months,
on a Las Vegas
sight seeing trip,
have a New York
lawyer for a lookout man,
when I return to
Vancouver, collect my 2%.
Let's face it, I can't
pass up a deal like that.
(audience laughs)
- You got a memory too.
- Boy, with Dick's brain
he's gonna go a long way.
- Sure, all the way to Vancouver
with a layover in Vegas.
(audience laughs)
(Tyrone singing softly)
(Tyrone laughing)
(humming)
- I brought you this
bunch of flowers.
(flowers rustling)
(audience laughs)
I bought you this box of candy.
(bow rustling)
(box clanging)
Would you like a
book on fairy tales?
(purse thudding)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Board meeting in two
minutes, Mr. Schlosser.
And the chief says to hop to it.
(feet clacking)
- Well now, perhaps you are
a bit overweight, Mrs. London,
but don't let that worry you.
And you shouldn't let these
remarks that people make
about your weight disturb you.
Why, for heaven's sakes,
you should realize
that many people
very often are
cruel and unthinking.
And those remarks...
You just lie right down there.
(couch crashing) (woman moaning)
Well now, look what you've done,
you big, fat, slob!
- Hey-a, paper!
Get all the latest news.
Paper, all the news!
- Wow!
Man, it says here that
Huntley and Brinkley
are going to do the
news in the nude.
- Oh yeah?
In depth?
- No, just about up to here.
(audience laughs)
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- Oh no, no, no.
He's the Laugh-In news,
that's the most ridiculous
thing you've ever heard.
From south of the border we say
There's more to
this life than ole
What's the new across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse
you (women hollering)
We just love To
give you our views
(singing fanfare music)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauds)
- And now with the
news of the present
here's a man doing the news,
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dickie-bird.
(audience applauds)
- That's just Dickie!
No bird!
- Here's a man without a bird.
Here's Dickie.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Okay.
Washington D.C.
A highly placed official
of the State Department
declared today
that if the United States
continues to sign alliances
and peace treaties
at the present rate,
should World War III break out
we would find ourselves
fighting on both sides.
(audience laughs)
You get that?
The Burbank Wife Swapping
and Volunteer Fireman Association
answered a record number
of house calls last night
in spite of the heavy rain.
(audience laughs)
Underline that one.
Hollywood: some of the
biggest films of the recent years
will be combined in a
film festival next year.
Truman Capote will
write the screenplay for
Sister George Meets Butch
Cassidy and Shows Her True Grit.
(audience laughs)
Take it away, Goldie.
(audience laughs)
- Here with the news of the...
- Goldie, let me help you.
I'll say it and
then you repeat it.
Alright?
- Okay.
- Here with the news of
the future 20 years from now
is Dan Rowan.
How was that?
- Not bad, Danny boy,
but keep up the good work
and someday you'll
have your own show.
(audience laughs)
Maybe.
(audience laughs)
I mean, don't call
us, we'll call you.
(audience laughs)
Maybe.
- Yes, alright.
You're gone now, Goldie?
Berlin in 1989,
20 years from now,
with space travel
becoming commonplace
the German government today
announced its first
commercial passenger flight
to the moon.
Safety instructions posted
in the cabin were as follows:
in the event of an emergency
the crew will throw out
the excess equipment.
The first class passengers
will throw out the baggage
and the second class
passengers will throw out
the third class passengers.
(audience laughs)
1989, 20 years from now:
a plea for a stricter
motion picture code
was made today by
Jack Valenti in the nude,
before the producer's guild,
who rated his body X.
(audience laughs)
- And now Laugh-In news
goes clanking through the halls
of history to the days
of King Arthur's court,
when knighthood was in flower.
- Sire, I am Sir Lancelot,
and I am here to be knighted.
- Sire, I am Sir Galahad,
and I am here to be knighted.
- Sire, I am Sir Gawain,
and I am here to be knighted.
- I best hurry,
any fool can see the
knights are getting shorter.
(audience laughs)
- Aloha sports amigos.
Here's the sportscaster...
- [Big Al] Kumba, kumba, Charo.
(lips smacking)
- Most likely to be a sport...
- My place or yours?
- In his own house.
The one and only,
old, numer uno himself,
that old Big Al.
Take it away, you numer uno.
Ciao!
- Hi!
Big Al here on the old
basketball diamond.
Featurette.
Oh!
Good heavens someone's
copped my tinkle.
(audience laughs)
- [Jo Anne] Again?
- Oh!
Lock the doors and
bar the windows.
There's a tinkle
snatcher in our midst.
(audience laughs)
Oh well, the show must go on.
Tinkle, how I do miss it.
I've just returned from a
hectic five days in Spain
where I took part in
the Running of the Bulls.
Believe me those bulls
aren't running away
they're running around
looking for people.
If there's anything
I can't stand
it's a hateful bull.
(audience laughs)
Snort, snort.
I had a narrow escape.
I almost got gored
in my frijole. (laughs)
Oh the pain in Spain.
(audience laughs)
Heavens to Elizabeth!
After last week I'm
convinced the only good bull
is a 2,000 pound hamburger.
Adios, amigos.
(Jo Anne singing nonsense)
- Hollywood news tells
us who does what to who.
What they do it with.
Where and how.
- Boy that sounds exciting.
Who does what to who
with what, where and how.
Excitement plus.
- For all that information
here's the big news
from Tinseltown.
Here come the scoop.
- [All] Here come the scoop.
Here come the scoop.
(papers rustling)
- I'm sorry, ladies
and gentlemen,
I don't have any
news for you tonight.
- Here it is.
Here it is.
Look.
Celebrity tennis
tournament today.
A record crowd was on
hand to see Steve McQueen
win three straight
sets from his wife.
- In can now be
reliably reported
that today Steve
McQueen beat his wife badly
in full view of a large crowd.
(audience laughs)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauds)
(slide whistles)
- I have some good
news, and some bad news.
First, I got the lead
in my school play.
Now for the bad news.
We're doing Mr. Roberts.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I wouldn't work
for Lawrence Welk.
I wouldn't work
for Lawrence Welk.
You and your big mouth.
(audience laughs)
(cowboy yells)
- Taxi!
(chicken clucking)
- Z - Bra.
- That's really a big girl.
- Hey.
Let's go out on
the porch and neck.
Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Morrison.
I thought you were Marion.
- (laughs) That's alright.
Marion's in the
den with her father.
Wanna go out on
the porch little fella?
- Is it either or either?
(audience laughs)
- It's ither.
- And now stayed tuned
for Letters to Laugh-In,
presented every
afternoon Monday to Friday
at this same time on NBC.
- Boy are you mixed up, Gary.
It's Monday night,
we're on Laugh-In,
this isn't one of the Letters
to Laugh-In programs.
I mean that are
seen every afternoon,
Monday through Friday on NBC.
What are you trying to do?
On NBC, Gary.
Are you trying to sneak
a plug or something?
(audience laughs)
Shape up, kiddo.
- I was.
Everybody Loves
somebody sometimes
- Tootsie.
- Roll.
- Sounds like a candy
maker's daughter to me.
- Board meeting in two
minutes, Mr. Schlosser.
And the chief
says to shake a leg.
- Alright.
I've been wanting
to do this a long time,
you know that?
- Well, Mr. Yorti,
I think you're suffering
from an Uncle Tom complex.
(audience laughs)
(water spritzing)
- Without further ado,
let's go to the party.
- Well, why don't you go ahead?
I'm gonna wait for further ado.
- He'll be along in a minute.
- Well in that case, why
don't we meet him inside?
- No, I got a better idea,
we'll go in and wait for him.
- No, I gotta go to the party.
- Okay, I can't go.
You're invited.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Hey, how would
you like to come up
to my place for the evening?
- Promise you'll be good?
- Good, I'll be magnificent.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- We spend 35 million
dollars on the space program.
Now, some people say we
should've given it to the poor.
- What do the poor know
about running a space program?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Dan?
My boyfriend and I went
to a computer dating service
and found out we're
absolutely incompatible.
- Oh.
- I guess we'll have to
give up the apartment.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
Boris Is a lousy bridge partner.
The only time I know what
he's holding in his hand
is when it's under the table.
On my knee (audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Oft when the
shepherd is elsewhere
as he seekth his sheep
is the eunuch that
fleeces his flock.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Teresa.
Hey baby.
- Oh, yeah, babe.
- You know, I had terrible
nightmare last night.
- That's too bad, Dick.
I had a beautiful dream.
- Well in my nightmare I was
up to my neck in quicksand.
What was your
beautiful dream about?
- Oh, about the same as yours
only you were George Wallace.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Say, Goldie.
What do you think about
the population explosion?
- Well, it's okay with me, Dan,
as long as they don't
wake up the babies.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I went out with
this girl last night.
I'm not saying she was frigid
but every time she opened
her mouth a light went on.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- My boyfriend
looked me right in eye
and said he loved my
new see-through blouse.
Which just proved
he didn't really like it.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I say, why shouldn't
Raquel Welch
plan a man in Myra Breckinridge?
- Well, I can give
you two good reasons.
- Well, that only
answers half the question.
- Just my luck, I'll end up
with the half that shaves.
- Well, wait.
Is Raquel Welch really
gonna play Myra Breckinridge?
- Yeah, and I bet she wins too.
(audience laughs)
- Somehow she just doesn't
seem right for the part.
- Yeah, but them parts
sure seem right for her.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- My poor boy
married an awful girl.
He has to do the
washin', the shoppin',
and bring her breakfast in bed.
But my daughter, now,
she married a wonderful man.
He does all the
washin' and shoppin'
and brings her breakfast in bed.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I'm terribly disappointed
in American women.
Everything about
them is plastic.
Plastic bosoms, plastic
surgery, plastic hair.
I took a girl out last night
and when I squeezed
her she said "Mama."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- You know, Hollywood's
making a movie
about the war in Vietnam.
But it runs too long
and it's way over budget
and they can't seem
to find a good ending.
- Sounds like they took
the plot from the Pentagon.
(audience laughs)
- Ah-ha!
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- There's no stopping progress.
At St. Paul they put
fluoride in the holy water.
Attendance went up 40%.
Cavities went down 16%.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(bell ringing)
- [Moyshe] Hello?
Who?
Oh, Mr. Mercer.
Yes, I read your peace plan.
From where I stand
if I close one eye,
it don't look too bad.
(audience laughs)
- Why I'm not fond of liver,
by Henry Gibson.
I'm not fond of liver
because when you cut into it
it sounds like shock squeaks.
In addition, it is very sneaky
and goes around dressed up
as bacon and onions.
But most of all it's
looks unfriendly.
Thinking of livers
gives me the shivers.
- All you guys on
maneuvers at Fort Bragg
I love you.
And I'm crazy about
your maneuvers.
So tonight, as you bivouac
off in the wilds
of North Carolina,
think of ole Pammy.
Charge, soldiers.
- I bet she does.
(audience laughs)
- You know what
I want you to do?
- Uh-oh!
- (laughs) Wanna
throw a stick for my dog?
- Oh, Goldie,
well that's very sweet of you,
and you're very
tan and everything,
but I just don't like dogs.
Thanks anyway.
- Okay, well then I'll throw it.
Now you throw it.
- Just for you.
Just this once.
You promise you won't
make me do it again?
- Yes.
- Okay, I'll do it.
You see, he
didn't bring it back.
- Yeah,
dogs know when
people don't like them.
(upbeat dance music)
(cowboy groans)
- Thirsty now.
- Knock.
- Wurst.
- Backwards sounds like.
- Wurst.
- Knock.
- Drag.
- Strip.
- I bet she does.
(audience laughs)
Yankee Doodle Doodle
What comes after Doodle?
- That's dandy.
- You're gonna be late for
the meeting Mr. Schlosser,
you'd better fly.
(caws loudly)
Laugh-In looks At
this mod, mod world
All the schnooks In
this odd, odd world
Hey what gives
with old hard sell
It's off key And it
sounds like Hallelujah
Hallelujah Sock it to ya
Laugh-In jokes
for a theme tonight
Something teaming with dynamite
So with trumpets
and flags unfurled
Merchandising and advertising
A part of our mod Mod World
(audience applauds)
- Now pay attention because
tonight our Mod, Mod World
looks at the art
of salesmanship.
- Oh great.
I just bought
these two lovebirds.
- You ran into a
pet salesman, huh?
- So did I.
You know, I didn't
know they we lovebirds
until I put some
vodka in their birdseed.
- Turned them right on?
- I guess.
They're now making
nude birdie movies
for the Burbank pet
shop in four millimeter.
- Why didn't you use canaries?
You could call them
I am Curious Yellow.
(audience laughs)
How did that one sneak in there?
- I also have 17 cats
and a 45 pound mouse.
- I never heard of
a 45 pound mouse.
- The mouse keeps
bugging Rover, my giraffe.
- You have a giraffe
named Rover?
- No, my giraffe's
name is Omar Sharif,
my cat's name is Rover.
- You named your
cat after your mother?
- Funny you should mention it.
Rover Martin, wonderful mother.
(audience laughs)
I have this whistle that
nobody can hear but her.
It's a whistle for
mothers named Rover.
- Mothers named Rover.
Well, moving right along...
- Don't you want me to tell you
about my father, Omar Sharif?
- Only if you don't want to.
- Well, if you insist.
He left my mother two
years before I was born.
I was just a kid at the time.
(audience laughs)
- As the one with the
mustache said a minute ago,
tonight on Mod, Mod
World is going to...
- Course, dad always
liked mother best.
(audience laughs)
- You think it's easy
working with him?
Lotta laughs, just
stand up here and talk.
Right? Looks easy?
You oughta try to
segue this doo-doo into
a Mod World of
Salesmanship sometime.
There's a little bit more too it
than just snapping your fingers.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I bought a book on
how to resist salesmen.
The guy sold it to me for $45.
(audience laughs)
- Use sales psychology.
Make housewife feel younger
by asking if her
mother's at home.
(knocks)
Excuse me, young lady,
is your mother at home?
(board thuds)
- No.
And get your dirty
Edsel out of my driveway.
(audience laughs)
- Kids.
America is fortunate to have
some many superior salesmen.
How else could we sell
all those inferior products?
Think about it.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- The sales manual
says "Be persistent."
(knocks)
Manual says "Make a
sale no matter what."
(knocks)
Manual says "Keep trying."
(knocks loudly)
Lady, can I interest
you in a knocker?
(audience laughs)
- I love you!
(audience laughs)
I got one!
(audience laughs)
- The art of salesmanship
is dependent
upon available credit.
Therefore the new
Truth in Lending law
requiring absolute honesty
is going to have quite an effect
on the way loan companies
conduct themselves.
- Truth in lending?
That could screw up
our whole economy.
Please take the camera off me.
- Yeah, Jim, that's
how I feel about it.
That's right, Jim.
That's right, Jim.
Yes, that's right, Jim.
Oh yes.
Alright, thank you.
- Excuse me.
I'd like to apply for a
$1,000 loan, please.
(mockingly laughs)
- You gotta be out of your mind.
With the interest we charge
you can't afford to borrow money
unless you're
independently wealthy.
- But the ad says the
interest rate is only 9 1/2%.
(laughs)
- That's 9 1/2% a week.
Which comes to over
40% a year. (laughs)
- Oh, that's pretty steep.
(laughs breathlessly)
- That's only the
beginning. (laughs)
There are license fees,
service fees, filing fees,
mortgage fees,
chattel fees, legal fees
all compounded monthly.
You borrow money here,
for the rest of
your life we got you
by the installment
plan. (laughs)
- Well,
I guess there's only
one thing left to do.
- [Banker] What's that?
- (laughs) This is a stick up.
(both laughing)
- Say, that's a great slogan.
(both laughing)
A girl like you could really
go places in the loan business.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- You know this is amazing.
(doorbell ringing)
Excuse me, love.
There ya go.
Did you put the kettle on?
- Yup.
All ready for ya.
- Hi, Sydney Shuckandjive from
National Trust and Insurance.
You called me about
a little insurance.
Let's sit right down
here on the couch
and talk about this
little problem now.
Now I have insurance...
Oh this must be
your lovely, little wife.
- Yeah that's...
- Oh you beautiful, little
bundle of blonde beauty.
- I tell you something
I wanted to get...
(doorbell ringing)
Some accident insurance.
- Right here is the
accident insurance.
- Ask my wife, I'll
just get the door.
Hold on a minute, will ya?
- Mr. Jones, there's absolutely
no reason for me to lie to you.
My name is Carbrew Hedges
and I'm from the
encyclopedia company
and I wanna sell you
some encyclopedias.
- Well I must tell you...
- Nope.
You're not gonna throw me out
after you hear the kind
of deal I can make you.
No chance.
- I have somebody here
already with my wife.
- Well, that's alright.
I'll talk to your wife too.
- [Wife] I don't understand.
- Excuse me.
Madam, I don't mean
to trade on fear...
- Just a minute.
- An informed woman...
(phone ringing)
- Excuse me.
- Hello.
(men chattering)
Name of what song?
Oh, I think that's Stardust.
10 free dance lessons.
But I don't need...
(doorbell ringing)
10 free dance lessons.
- That's alright, I'll get it.
You guys are busy.
(audience laughs)
- Avon calling.
(audience laughs)
Are you the lady of the house?
I'd like to show you
some marvelous...
- Yes, I know, but I don't
need any dance lessons!
- Dance lessons?
I can use dance lessons.
I'll talk to them,
you talk to her.
Hello?
(doorbell ringing)
(people chattering)
- How do?
I'm demonstrating
Andy's Handy Dandy
Combo Chopper and Slicer.
See how this
little magic works...
(wife yelling)
Andy's Handy Dandy Chopper.
- Wait a minute.
- Chopper!
Chopper!
(salespeople chattering)
- Okay, that's enough.
That's enough!
Everybody out!
Out, come on.
Out!
Everybody out.
Come on.
Get out please.
Thank you.
We've heard enough.
Thank you.
(salespeople chattering loudly)
Thank you, we've had enough.
- I don't have any hair.
- Will you get out of here?
Thank you.
- Wait, honey.
- [Avon Lady] How
about a free sample pack?
- Would you get...
Didn't you want that
insurance, husband,
didn't you call them over here?
- Oh, the insurance.
That's the one thing I wanted.
Just a minute, love.
Put the kettle on, will ya?
Put the kettle on.
- Yes, it's on, I told you.
(screeching slide whistle)
(loud bangs)
- [Husband] Ow, my leg!
I broke my leg.
- Well, thank goodness we
didn't order dance lessons.
(audience laughs)
- Sales manual says "When
selling these hairbrushes
"be resourceful."
(knocking)
Sir, could I interest you
in a giant toothbrush?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- A vacuum cleaner
salesman came to my door
and I told him I had no
use for a vacuum cleaner.
So he sold me a
dirty rug. (laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(knocking)
- Oh, hi, Mr. Golden.
- Who is it, pussycat tiger?
- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Golden,
it's your wife I wanted to see.
I'll come back some
time when she's at home.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Auditioning all these
actors isn't easy, Caroline.
I think I'll have a cigarette.
- Oh no, Nathan.
I gave them up and so can you.
- Look, Caroline, I
gotta have a cigarette.
- Oh, Nathan!
Now, you know these
things can kill you.
- Oh but Caroline, look,
look, I don't care.
I'd die for a cigarette.
I just need one... - No.
- One little cigarette.
- Nathan, stop it!
Now that's so...
- Lemme have a cigarette.
- Nathan!
Nathan, that's just
ridiculous of you.
(wood cracking)
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, but I'm here to
audition for the commercial.
- Yes.
Well,
here.
You just read the
script and be sincere.
Remember, it's our
job to sell cigarettes.
(audience laughs)
What makes it happen
Look at the people around you
Are you reflecting
the smile on your face
Try it and it will astound you
You gotta lot Hey you gonna lot
(audience applauds)
- Tsetse or is it seet-see?
- Fly.
Or is it flaw.
It's time for a quickie
A kicky little quickie
A tricky, kicky, quickie
Just like Dan and
Dickie trying to find
It might make you sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your talk is getting ticky
Try a quickie
And you're gonna blow your mind
- (laughs) Oh, the new
kid has a pretty loud voice.
(audience laughs)
Try a quickie
And you're gonna blow your mind
- You're not exactly
Tiny Tim yourself.
(audience laughs)
Gonna blow your mind
Gonna blow your mind
Gonna blow your
(breathes heavily)
- Come on Jo,
let's sing it pretty.
- Softer, pretty?
- Yeah, nice.
Try a quickie And
you're gonna blow your
Mind
(audience applauds)
- The winner.
Here's a quickie.
- Argh!
Quick,
get this out.
I can't stand it.
- Right away.
I (keys clicking)
can't (keys clicking)
stand (keys clicking)
it. (keys clicking)
Okay, it's out.
You wanna wait for an answer?
(hat pounding)
(knocks)
- Hey, I have a message
from the governor.
- What did he say?
- He said "Happy New Year."
(audience laughs)
Another biggie, folks.
(knocking)
- Good morning,
sir, good morning.
How 'bout a vacuum
cleaner for your wife?
- It's a deal.
(audience laughs)
- And further more this
is a lousy restaurant.
Your manners are atrocious.
Just look at that suit.
(imitates spitting)
Really atrocious.
Dreadful, terrible.
Blech!
- Waiter, waiter!
I order the lobster
you brought me a crab.
(audience laughs)
- Oh son!
- Mom!
Mom!
- My little boy.
- Mom!
Mom!
(mother groaning)
I love you mom.
(audience laughs)
I love you.
Mom!
(audience laughing)
I'll see ya, Mom.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(siren blaring)
- [Lunchbox]
S'alright. (lid slams)
Close the door please.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- In the laboratory
investigation of drug effects
no stone is left unturned.
But sometimes problems do arise.
- My dear I'm...
I'm worried about my
marijuana experiments on mice.
- I thought they were completed.
- Oh, I was finished a month ago
but I couldn't get
the mouse to stop.
- Doctor, that's ridiculous.
- I tried to tell him but he
just wouldn't listen to me.
Look, here he comes.
He can tell you himself.
Sheldon, come in here.
- Sheldon?
- Yes, he thinks
he's Shelly Temple.
(audience laughs)
- Hi!
Baby, you wanna turn on?
- See what I mean?
- This is unheard of.
- What's the matter, sweetie,
don't you dig scie-mce?
- The worst part of it
is he's even got the...
- Hey!
- The monkey too?
- If you guys are
all through with me
I'm gonna have a few
drinks with the guinea piggies.
- Guinea pigs?
- Yeah!
If I don't get there soon
they'll all be stoned
out of their gourds.
- High mice, turned on monkeys,
drunk guinea pigs,
is this any way to
run a laboratory?
- Oh, you bet it is.
- You keep out of
this, you crazy rodent.
- Me, crazy?
You're the one
talking to the mouse.
(audience laughs)
Bye!
- I've got some good news,
and I got some bad news.
First of all, I dreamt I was
on a stage completely naked.
That's the good news.
(audience laughs)
Now for the bad news.
I was riding
shotgun at the time.
(audience laughs)
- Well, folk, it's
that time again,
when we award the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- And who gets the
noxious knuckle now?
- Listen to this one, folks.
A small group of
California legislators who,
without public discussion,
have been quietly
planning a new 24 floor,
twin towers state
capital building.
- Why worry about that?
Somebody's bound to
notice a thing like that in time.
- Yes, and we hope
they'll also notice
that it started out as a
32 and 1/2 million project
and now it's up to
65 million dollars.
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
- For them maybe.
Now the first model was scraped
when they found they had left
out the underground parking.
So they got another architect.
- Ah-Ha!
I bet this one's got a car.
- The committee men have
taken trips to a number of cities
and what's really weird,
two California senators
spent 23 days in Brazil
in South America just
to look at buildings,
after the second model
was completely finished.
- Who's gonna notice a
couple of extra nuts in Brazil?
- And so for allowing
the whole project
to get so completely out of hand
that the state capital
building will cost
California taxpayers
almost half a million dollars,
for each and every
lawmaker's office,
we salute the
California legislators.
- And give to that little group
of penny pinching politicians
our coveted Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
And if you have any questions
as to where to place it,
ask any Californian taxpayer,
I'm sure he can suggest
an appropriate parking place.
- Be sure and tune
in next week, folk,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the Wild and Wonderful
Wayward Winged Weenie,
will wend its way to those
wonderful wizards of ooze.
Who's constant offshore drilling
has helped turn our
California coastline
into the slickest thing
you've ever seen.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat piano music)
- Are you sure Desi
Arnaz started like this?
(flute cracking)
(doors banging)
(upbeat fanfare music)
- Hi!
(upbeat fanfare music)
- Well, I certainly
enjoyed myself tonight.
How about you?
- Well I guess so.
You know I'm ready now
for a little skinny dippin'.
- Skinny dipping?
Why I didn't know you
were a skinny dipper.
- Sure, every night I go
swimming without anything on.
Nothing at all.
Makes me feel like a new man.
- Really relaxes you?
- Well I guess so.
'Til I climb up on the pier
and try to borrow a
towel in the restaurant.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, folks, glad
you could be with us.
And we'll see you next week.
- Yup, we'll see you next week
unless you wanna meet me
at the beach in about an hour
and bring your own towel.
(audience laughs)
- I gotcha covered, Dick.
- I certainly hope so.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Gladys.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Jo Anne.
- Yes, Judy?
Is this a take? (laughs)
- Yes it is a take.
What do you get if you cross
an aardvark with an abalone?
- I don't know, but
it would certainly
be listed first in
the yellow pages.
(audience laughs)
- Hey,
hey do you know
cigarette manufacturers
are gonna stop
manufacturing cigarettes?
- Oh really?
What are they gonna
push now, arthritis?
- Alan.
- What is it, Pammy, baby booty?
- I fell asleep in the sun
and burnt my whole left side.
What should I do?
- I'd turn the other cheek.
(audience laughs)
- I was riding shotgun
back on page 394.
- Hey, Dan.
- Hello, Goldie.
- You know what?
My little parakeet
started talking.
- No kidding?
What did he say?
- Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I don't
understand parakeet.
- Henry!
How do you clean a parakeet?
(Henry laughing)
Good!
- Was that another
dirty parakeet joke?
- No, it's a super weenie joke.
(knocks)
- Hey, Davy.
- Hey, Byron.
- What's full of straw
and wears a mask?
- That's the Lone Manger.
- Micky.
- Ow!
- Are you there?
(Micky yelling) (hand banging)
- Wait a minute, this
is a take, Micky, a take!
- This is you,
knocking yourself out.
- What, Judy?
- This is me,
forgetting my joke.
I wonder why electricians
are always broke.
- It's because they
always, every day
get a little short.
- Judy, Judy.
- Here I am.
- What did the chiropractor say
to the girl with the bad knee?
- What did the chiropractor say
to the girl with the bad knee?
- The chiropractor said to
the girl with the bad knee,
"What's a rotten joint like this
"doing in a nice girl like you?"
(audience laughs)
- What's a joke like that
doing in a nice
joke wall like this?
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Hey, Jo Anne.
- Is that a dirty parakeet joke?
(audience laughs)
Is this a take?
(audience laughs)
Where am I?
Help!
- [Dan] Judy, Jeremy.
- This is me, where are you?
- [Dan] Where's Jeremy?
- Jeremy, it's the
long, black whip joke.
- Oh yes, and
it's very funny too.
- You would have loved it.
- There are a lot
of S's in Mississippi.
- Yes, but there are
a lot of nice folks too.
- What is the best way for
a lawyer to feel his briefs?
- File his briefs!
- File his briefs.
- That's better.
(audience laughing)
- Well, first...
- Where's the take, Arte?
It's a take.
- It's Pam's turn, go ahead.
- Wait a minute, Pam,
let him do it again.
- Pam, it's a take.
- Turn the cards back.
(all laughing)
What is the best way
for a filer to fill his...
- A lawyer to file his briefs.
- What is the best way for
a lawyer to file his briefs?
(singing fanfare music)
- Well first, he
should take them off.
- Unless he's riding
shotgun on page 394.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Goldie.
- Goldie!
- Goldie.
I understand you got a parakeet.
- (laughs) We did this.
- Oh!
(Goldie laughing)
(upbeat organ music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat organ music)
- Now what seems to be the
problem, Mr. Breckinridge?
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I'll
drink again today.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding show
was prerecorded earlier
to allow the producer
time to buy the writing staff
a new box of Crayola.
- Very interesting.
But no half as much fun as
a May wine festival. (laughs)
Especially May
brings the bottle.
Dummy you.
Goodnight, Lucy, I forgive you.
I'm coming May.
Also, I'm coming June.
June is busting out all.
- Bye!
(single person clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hey, Goldie.
- What?
- You wanna join a group?
- Oh, all you guys do
is just monkey around.
(audience laughs)
- Recently the
Department of Agriculture
allowed the meat packers of
America to put chicken meat
in their hot dogs.
- Is nothing sacred?
The great American
hot dog is chicken?
(audience laughs)
- No wonder weenie
lovers are up in arms.
The chicken has replaced
the great American weenie.
- Hey, now I'm confused.
Which came first the
weenie or the egg?
(audience laughs)
Everybody's talking 'bout
The silly chicken weenie
That's really absurd kid
A weenie's no bird kid
Out and out murder
to the frankfurter
Why would anybody
get so talkie with a chickie
That really is foul kid
It's making us howl kid
(singing vaudeville flourish)
You may dig you're
spinach and custard
Chicken doesn't
make it with mustard
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- How do you make
a Polish weenie?
- Easy, first you
steal an ugly chicken.
(audience laughs)
- Why did the weenie
cross the road?
- Oh, for some fowl reason.
(audience laughs)
- Item: Haiti, voodoo.
Priests are casting spells
by drawing chalk circles
and nailing weenies to the door.
(audience laughs)
- Last night for dinner
I sent out for some
finger licking weenies.
(audience laughs)
(screams)
- Take this super
weenie you yelling yo-yo.
- Come out of that chicken
coop with your hands up.
- Oh man, there ain't
nobody here but us weenies.
(audience laughs)
- Item: Detroit.
One of the nation's
leading meat packers
has just recalled
100,000 weenies
for defective beaks and claws.
(audience laughs)
- Foxy Loxy!
Foxy Loxy!
The sky is falling!
- Who are you?
- Weenie Little I am.
(audience laughs)
- Item: beautiful
downtown Burbank.
The Burbank zoo was
wiped out last night
when meat hijackers
made off with the chicken.
(audience laughs)
(Jo Anne singing nonsense)
(singing vaudeville flourish)
Chocolate sauce
on turkey is swell-ish
We don't dig our
chicken with relish
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- It really isn't Kosher.
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
- Who ordered
chicken knockwurst?
We don't want no
chicken weenie now
(singing vaudevillian flourish)
(audience applauds)
- You ever try to
pluck a weenie?
(audience laughs)
- God heavens, I think
you must be coming down
with weenie pox.
(audience laughs)
- And now from the bridal
suite at the beautiful downtown
Burbank zoo and
Lingerie Corsetoreum,
NBC opens the cages
and releases a herd
of laughing hyenas
know as Rowan and Martin
herd of Laugh-In hyenas.
Staring:
the head keeper Dan Rowan,
and his delightful and
faithful number one boy,
Dick Ungawa Martin.
With special guest
wildlife, the Monkees,
who tonight will be seen
in the clever disguise
of Davy Jones, Micky
Dolenz, and Mike Nesmith.
Plus these recently
brought back alive delights:
Judy Carne, Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues,
who tonight will appear
as the beautiful and talented
Jo Anne Worley.
And the following new trophies:
Jeremy Lloyd,
Teresa Graves, Byron Gilliam,
Pamela Rodgers, and
yours truly, Gary Owen.
With Morgul as
the Friendly Drelb,
who tonight, for the
first time anywhere,
will sing in his own voice.
But before we feed the cast,
we must put some
bread on NBC's table.
- Gee, you really
put that butt out fast.
- After awhile they
all lose their taste.
(audience laughs)
- Try one of mine.
- That's what we call a fool.
It's set up for the real thing.
And know, folk,
we're really gonna
ring NBC's chimes.
(yells)
(register dinging)
As Flip would say.
(register dinging)
- Fuzzy.
- Wuzzy.
- Backwards it sounds like.
- Wuzzy.
- Fuzzy.
- I'd be tickled to
death to find out.
(audience laughs)
- [God] And don't come back.
(cans clattering)
- And now, direct from
the Garden of Eden,
here are Dan Rowan
and the apple of his eye,
Eve Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you.
- Happy you could
all be with us tonight.
- Thank you.
It's tough to get 10,000
people in here but it's...
- I'm certainly happy
you could make it.
- I'm always happy
when I can make it.
(audience laughs)
- What I meant to say, Orville,
was, that I haven't been seeing
you around lately this week.
- Well, I've been
catching up on my reading.
You know there's a
bunch of fascinating items
in the Farm Journal.
- You've been reading
the Farm Journal?
- That's funny, so have I.
- [Dan] Isn't that
a coincidence?
- You know, this week
there's a story about a farmer
who has a chicken
with three legs?
- I didn't see that.
A chicken with three legs?
- Yup.
Poor thing thinks she's
a camera on a tripod.
- Now that'll make a mental
case out of any chicken.
- The farmer's going nuts
because every time she lays an egg
he has to focus her.
- Oh dear.
(audience laughs)
Now I suppose,
according to the cue cards,
you're gonna tell me that
he also has a cow that drinks.
- Now if you don't think
that creates a problem,
because come milkin'
time she sits on the stool.
(audience laughs)
- That's what they
mean by contented cows.
- I'll say she's contented.
Every night, martinis,
martinis, martinis.
- She drinks martinis?
- Yeah, one morning
the farmer milked her
and got four quarts
of stuffed olives.
- Oh dear.
How could a cow
give stuffed olives?
- One at a time
and very painfully.
(audience laughs)
- Those toothpicks are murder.
- Oh!
(gavel banging)
- A petition has been put
before this district court
requesting rezoning on
the basis that this court
is too near the airport.
Council in favor of the move
will please state his case.
- Yes, your honor.
There are many of us who feel
that the planes are too close...
(jet engine roaring)
And such that they
provide too much noise
over the entire area.
- Council for the
opposition will now speak.
(gavel banging)
- Your honor, whoever
made this petition
is completely out of control.
For one thing, we're...
(engines blaring)
Easily half a block
away from the airport.
Most of the pilots
are really nice.
- Okay.
You have been heard.
Now the bench rules.
- One moment, one moment.
How can the court
make a decision
when I can't even...
(engines roaring)
hear what the court is saying?
- The bench... (engine roaring)
The bench is...
- I can't hear anything...
- The bench.
- Because it's all
together too loud.
- The bench is not able to
understand the council's request.
Due to the...
(jets roaring)
(council shouting)
- Will you hold
that yelling down,
we're trying to run
an airport next door.
(audience laughs)
- Time now, folk, for
another Letter to Laugh-In.
$2 are already winging
their way to Arthur Brehob,
of Indianapolis, Indiana
for these two dillies.
- Dilly, dilly.
(audience laughs)
- Alright.
Works out to
about a buck a dilly.
- Tyrone, you sure
know how to pick a dilly.
- If he tries to pick my dilly
I'll break every
bone in his body.
- You've talked me into it,
you smooth talking
little beauty, you.
(purse pounding)
Now that was a dilly.
(audience laughs)
- I've got some good news,
and some bad news.
First, I had a date with
Myra Breckinridge last night.
Now for the bad news:
neither of them showed up.
(audience laughs)
Think about it.
(audience laughs)
- There are ghosties,
and ghoulies,
and things that go
bump in the night,
and all these things come to you
through the contact
from the other side:
Laugh-In super
witch, Judy Carne.
Hey, Jude.
- Hello, Judy Carne,
super witch here.
Bringing you news
from the other side.
I see General Washington
in deep trouble with Martha.
I see Martha overhearing
the general say
that he really wasn't the
father of our whole country,
but that he had done his share.
(audience laughs)
I see Van Gogh trying
to keep his glasses on.
I see Sitting Bull standing.
I see Standing Bull sitting.
I see my time is up.
This is Judy Carne, super witch,
with news from the other side.
I see me leaving.
This is me leaving.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(drum banging)
- Now remember, right after
stuck a feather in his cap,
and called it macaroni,
I get to do me solo.
Okay?
(whistling)
(audience laughs)
(ball thumps)
(audience laughs)
("Minsky Pickup")
- Copa.
- Cabana.
- Backwards sounds like.
- Caka-bana-mana-cop.
- That's easy for you to say.
- No, not really.
(audience laughs)
- And now let us pray.
(register dinging)
(fanfare music)
- Tea.
- Cup.
- Now that's a big girl.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
Who said "There are no
more worlds to conquer,
"no more mountains to climb?"
- Richard Burton.
(audience laughs)
- I really didn't
want an answer.
It was a rhetorical question.
- I know, that's why I retorted.
- Be that as it may, to
those of you who think
there isn't any
new ground to plow,
I would like you to realize...
- Sounds a lot like
Richard Burton again.
(audience laughs)
- There's always room in
the world for new enterprise.
And so tonight we
hail... (triumphant music)
The Esquire Travel
Service of New York.
According to Newsweek magazine
these chaps are
offering, and I quote,
"$1,000 Las Vegas
divorce package."
Which includes a lawyer,
and a sight seeing trip.
- My goodness,
something like that makes
the whole thing worthwhile.
- I think so, but there's more.
Some of our Canadian cousins
are offering something just
a shade more enterprising.
- What's hot in the
frozen north now?
- Well, the Los Angeles
Times has this item
about a used car dealer in
Vancouver, British Columbia.
Quote,
"Joe Hargett has gone into
the divorce financing business."
And his ad says "No money
down, 30 months to pay,
"and only a 2% fee."
- I'll see you later.
I'm gonna go get married.
- You're gonna get married?
- Oh sure.
The way I figure it, you see,
for $1000 I can
subscribe to Esquire,
fool around in Joe
Hargett's car for 30 months,
on a Las Vegas
sight seeing trip,
have a New York
lawyer for a lookout man,
when I return to
Vancouver, collect my 2%.
Let's face it, I can't
pass up a deal like that.
(audience laughs)
- You got a memory too.
- Boy, with Dick's brain
he's gonna go a long way.
- Sure, all the way to Vancouver
with a layover in Vegas.
(audience laughs)
(Tyrone singing softly)
(Tyrone laughing)
(humming)
- I brought you this
bunch of flowers.
(flowers rustling)
(audience laughs)
I bought you this box of candy.
(bow rustling)
(box clanging)
Would you like a
book on fairy tales?
(purse thudding)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Board meeting in two
minutes, Mr. Schlosser.
And the chief says to hop to it.
(feet clacking)
- Well now, perhaps you are
a bit overweight, Mrs. London,
but don't let that worry you.
And you shouldn't let these
remarks that people make
about your weight disturb you.
Why, for heaven's sakes,
you should realize
that many people
very often are
cruel and unthinking.
And those remarks...
You just lie right down there.
(couch crashing) (woman moaning)
Well now, look what you've done,
you big, fat, slob!
- Hey-a, paper!
Get all the latest news.
Paper, all the news!
- Wow!
Man, it says here that
Huntley and Brinkley
are going to do the
news in the nude.
- Oh yeah?
In depth?
- No, just about up to here.
(audience laughs)
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- Oh no, no, no.
He's the Laugh-In news,
that's the most ridiculous
thing you've ever heard.
From south of the border we say
There's more to
this life than ole
What's the new across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse
you (women hollering)
We just love To
give you our views
(singing fanfare music)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauds)
- And now with the
news of the present
here's a man doing the news,
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dickie-bird.
(audience applauds)
- That's just Dickie!
No bird!
- Here's a man without a bird.
Here's Dickie.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Okay.
Washington D.C.
A highly placed official
of the State Department
declared today
that if the United States
continues to sign alliances
and peace treaties
at the present rate,
should World War III break out
we would find ourselves
fighting on both sides.
(audience laughs)
You get that?
The Burbank Wife Swapping
and Volunteer Fireman Association
answered a record number
of house calls last night
in spite of the heavy rain.
(audience laughs)
Underline that one.
Hollywood: some of the
biggest films of the recent years
will be combined in a
film festival next year.
Truman Capote will
write the screenplay for
Sister George Meets Butch
Cassidy and Shows Her True Grit.
(audience laughs)
Take it away, Goldie.
(audience laughs)
- Here with the news of the...
- Goldie, let me help you.
I'll say it and
then you repeat it.
Alright?
- Okay.
- Here with the news of
the future 20 years from now
is Dan Rowan.
How was that?
- Not bad, Danny boy,
but keep up the good work
and someday you'll
have your own show.
(audience laughs)
Maybe.
(audience laughs)
I mean, don't call
us, we'll call you.
(audience laughs)
Maybe.
- Yes, alright.
You're gone now, Goldie?
Berlin in 1989,
20 years from now,
with space travel
becoming commonplace
the German government today
announced its first
commercial passenger flight
to the moon.
Safety instructions posted
in the cabin were as follows:
in the event of an emergency
the crew will throw out
the excess equipment.
The first class passengers
will throw out the baggage
and the second class
passengers will throw out
the third class passengers.
(audience laughs)
1989, 20 years from now:
a plea for a stricter
motion picture code
was made today by
Jack Valenti in the nude,
before the producer's guild,
who rated his body X.
(audience laughs)
- And now Laugh-In news
goes clanking through the halls
of history to the days
of King Arthur's court,
when knighthood was in flower.
- Sire, I am Sir Lancelot,
and I am here to be knighted.
- Sire, I am Sir Galahad,
and I am here to be knighted.
- Sire, I am Sir Gawain,
and I am here to be knighted.
- I best hurry,
any fool can see the
knights are getting shorter.
(audience laughs)
- Aloha sports amigos.
Here's the sportscaster...
- [Big Al] Kumba, kumba, Charo.
(lips smacking)
- Most likely to be a sport...
- My place or yours?
- In his own house.
The one and only,
old, numer uno himself,
that old Big Al.
Take it away, you numer uno.
Ciao!
- Hi!
Big Al here on the old
basketball diamond.
Featurette.
Oh!
Good heavens someone's
copped my tinkle.
(audience laughs)
- [Jo Anne] Again?
- Oh!
Lock the doors and
bar the windows.
There's a tinkle
snatcher in our midst.
(audience laughs)
Oh well, the show must go on.
Tinkle, how I do miss it.
I've just returned from a
hectic five days in Spain
where I took part in
the Running of the Bulls.
Believe me those bulls
aren't running away
they're running around
looking for people.
If there's anything
I can't stand
it's a hateful bull.
(audience laughs)
Snort, snort.
I had a narrow escape.
I almost got gored
in my frijole. (laughs)
Oh the pain in Spain.
(audience laughs)
Heavens to Elizabeth!
After last week I'm
convinced the only good bull
is a 2,000 pound hamburger.
Adios, amigos.
(Jo Anne singing nonsense)
- Hollywood news tells
us who does what to who.
What they do it with.
Where and how.
- Boy that sounds exciting.
Who does what to who
with what, where and how.
Excitement plus.
- For all that information
here's the big news
from Tinseltown.
Here come the scoop.
- [All] Here come the scoop.
Here come the scoop.
(papers rustling)
- I'm sorry, ladies
and gentlemen,
I don't have any
news for you tonight.
- Here it is.
Here it is.
Look.
Celebrity tennis
tournament today.
A record crowd was on
hand to see Steve McQueen
win three straight
sets from his wife.
- In can now be
reliably reported
that today Steve
McQueen beat his wife badly
in full view of a large crowd.
(audience laughs)
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience applauds)
(slide whistles)
- I have some good
news, and some bad news.
First, I got the lead
in my school play.
Now for the bad news.
We're doing Mr. Roberts.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I wouldn't work
for Lawrence Welk.
I wouldn't work
for Lawrence Welk.
You and your big mouth.
(audience laughs)
(cowboy yells)
- Taxi!
(chicken clucking)
- Z - Bra.
- That's really a big girl.
- Hey.
Let's go out on
the porch and neck.
Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Morrison.
I thought you were Marion.
- (laughs) That's alright.
Marion's in the
den with her father.
Wanna go out on
the porch little fella?
- Is it either or either?
(audience laughs)
- It's ither.
- And now stayed tuned
for Letters to Laugh-In,
presented every
afternoon Monday to Friday
at this same time on NBC.
- Boy are you mixed up, Gary.
It's Monday night,
we're on Laugh-In,
this isn't one of the Letters
to Laugh-In programs.
I mean that are
seen every afternoon,
Monday through Friday on NBC.
What are you trying to do?
On NBC, Gary.
Are you trying to sneak
a plug or something?
(audience laughs)
Shape up, kiddo.
- I was.
Everybody Loves
somebody sometimes
- Tootsie.
- Roll.
- Sounds like a candy
maker's daughter to me.
- Board meeting in two
minutes, Mr. Schlosser.
And the chief
says to shake a leg.
- Alright.
I've been wanting
to do this a long time,
you know that?
- Well, Mr. Yorti,
I think you're suffering
from an Uncle Tom complex.
(audience laughs)
(water spritzing)
- Without further ado,
let's go to the party.
- Well, why don't you go ahead?
I'm gonna wait for further ado.
- He'll be along in a minute.
- Well in that case, why
don't we meet him inside?
- No, I got a better idea,
we'll go in and wait for him.
- No, I gotta go to the party.
- Okay, I can't go.
You're invited.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Hey, how would
you like to come up
to my place for the evening?
- Promise you'll be good?
- Good, I'll be magnificent.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- We spend 35 million
dollars on the space program.
Now, some people say we
should've given it to the poor.
- What do the poor know
about running a space program?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Dan?
My boyfriend and I went
to a computer dating service
and found out we're
absolutely incompatible.
- Oh.
- I guess we'll have to
give up the apartment.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
Boris Is a lousy bridge partner.
The only time I know what
he's holding in his hand
is when it's under the table.
On my knee (audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Oft when the
shepherd is elsewhere
as he seekth his sheep
is the eunuch that
fleeces his flock.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Teresa.
Hey baby.
- Oh, yeah, babe.
- You know, I had terrible
nightmare last night.
- That's too bad, Dick.
I had a beautiful dream.
- Well in my nightmare I was
up to my neck in quicksand.
What was your
beautiful dream about?
- Oh, about the same as yours
only you were George Wallace.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Say, Goldie.
What do you think about
the population explosion?
- Well, it's okay with me, Dan,
as long as they don't
wake up the babies.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I went out with
this girl last night.
I'm not saying she was frigid
but every time she opened
her mouth a light went on.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- My boyfriend
looked me right in eye
and said he loved my
new see-through blouse.
Which just proved
he didn't really like it.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I say, why shouldn't
Raquel Welch
plan a man in Myra Breckinridge?
- Well, I can give
you two good reasons.
- Well, that only
answers half the question.
- Just my luck, I'll end up
with the half that shaves.
- Well, wait.
Is Raquel Welch really
gonna play Myra Breckinridge?
- Yeah, and I bet she wins too.
(audience laughs)
- Somehow she just doesn't
seem right for the part.
- Yeah, but them parts
sure seem right for her.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- My poor boy
married an awful girl.
He has to do the
washin', the shoppin',
and bring her breakfast in bed.
But my daughter, now,
she married a wonderful man.
He does all the
washin' and shoppin'
and brings her breakfast in bed.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I'm terribly disappointed
in American women.
Everything about
them is plastic.
Plastic bosoms, plastic
surgery, plastic hair.
I took a girl out last night
and when I squeezed
her she said "Mama."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- You know, Hollywood's
making a movie
about the war in Vietnam.
But it runs too long
and it's way over budget
and they can't seem
to find a good ending.
- Sounds like they took
the plot from the Pentagon.
(audience laughs)
- Ah-ha!
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- There's no stopping progress.
At St. Paul they put
fluoride in the holy water.
Attendance went up 40%.
Cavities went down 16%.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(bell ringing)
- [Moyshe] Hello?
Who?
Oh, Mr. Mercer.
Yes, I read your peace plan.
From where I stand
if I close one eye,
it don't look too bad.
(audience laughs)
- Why I'm not fond of liver,
by Henry Gibson.
I'm not fond of liver
because when you cut into it
it sounds like shock squeaks.
In addition, it is very sneaky
and goes around dressed up
as bacon and onions.
But most of all it's
looks unfriendly.
Thinking of livers
gives me the shivers.
- All you guys on
maneuvers at Fort Bragg
I love you.
And I'm crazy about
your maneuvers.
So tonight, as you bivouac
off in the wilds
of North Carolina,
think of ole Pammy.
Charge, soldiers.
- I bet she does.
(audience laughs)
- You know what
I want you to do?
- Uh-oh!
- (laughs) Wanna
throw a stick for my dog?
- Oh, Goldie,
well that's very sweet of you,
and you're very
tan and everything,
but I just don't like dogs.
Thanks anyway.
- Okay, well then I'll throw it.
Now you throw it.
- Just for you.
Just this once.
You promise you won't
make me do it again?
- Yes.
- Okay, I'll do it.
You see, he
didn't bring it back.
- Yeah,
dogs know when
people don't like them.
(upbeat dance music)
(cowboy groans)
- Thirsty now.
- Knock.
- Wurst.
- Backwards sounds like.
- Wurst.
- Knock.
- Drag.
- Strip.
- I bet she does.
(audience laughs)
Yankee Doodle Doodle
What comes after Doodle?
- That's dandy.
- You're gonna be late for
the meeting Mr. Schlosser,
you'd better fly.
(caws loudly)
Laugh-In looks At
this mod, mod world
All the schnooks In
this odd, odd world
Hey what gives
with old hard sell
It's off key And it
sounds like Hallelujah
Hallelujah Sock it to ya
Laugh-In jokes
for a theme tonight
Something teaming with dynamite
So with trumpets
and flags unfurled
Merchandising and advertising
A part of our mod Mod World
(audience applauds)
- Now pay attention because
tonight our Mod, Mod World
looks at the art
of salesmanship.
- Oh great.
I just bought
these two lovebirds.
- You ran into a
pet salesman, huh?
- So did I.
You know, I didn't
know they we lovebirds
until I put some
vodka in their birdseed.
- Turned them right on?
- I guess.
They're now making
nude birdie movies
for the Burbank pet
shop in four millimeter.
- Why didn't you use canaries?
You could call them
I am Curious Yellow.
(audience laughs)
How did that one sneak in there?
- I also have 17 cats
and a 45 pound mouse.
- I never heard of
a 45 pound mouse.
- The mouse keeps
bugging Rover, my giraffe.
- You have a giraffe
named Rover?
- No, my giraffe's
name is Omar Sharif,
my cat's name is Rover.
- You named your
cat after your mother?
- Funny you should mention it.
Rover Martin, wonderful mother.
(audience laughs)
I have this whistle that
nobody can hear but her.
It's a whistle for
mothers named Rover.
- Mothers named Rover.
Well, moving right along...
- Don't you want me to tell you
about my father, Omar Sharif?
- Only if you don't want to.
- Well, if you insist.
He left my mother two
years before I was born.
I was just a kid at the time.
(audience laughs)
- As the one with the
mustache said a minute ago,
tonight on Mod, Mod
World is going to...
- Course, dad always
liked mother best.
(audience laughs)
- You think it's easy
working with him?
Lotta laughs, just
stand up here and talk.
Right? Looks easy?
You oughta try to
segue this doo-doo into
a Mod World of
Salesmanship sometime.
There's a little bit more too it
than just snapping your fingers.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- I bought a book on
how to resist salesmen.
The guy sold it to me for $45.
(audience laughs)
- Use sales psychology.
Make housewife feel younger
by asking if her
mother's at home.
(knocks)
Excuse me, young lady,
is your mother at home?
(board thuds)
- No.
And get your dirty
Edsel out of my driveway.
(audience laughs)
- Kids.
America is fortunate to have
some many superior salesmen.
How else could we sell
all those inferior products?
Think about it.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- The sales manual
says "Be persistent."
(knocks)
Manual says "Make a
sale no matter what."
(knocks)
Manual says "Keep trying."
(knocks loudly)
Lady, can I interest
you in a knocker?
(audience laughs)
- I love you!
(audience laughs)
I got one!
(audience laughs)
- The art of salesmanship
is dependent
upon available credit.
Therefore the new
Truth in Lending law
requiring absolute honesty
is going to have quite an effect
on the way loan companies
conduct themselves.
- Truth in lending?
That could screw up
our whole economy.
Please take the camera off me.
- Yeah, Jim, that's
how I feel about it.
That's right, Jim.
That's right, Jim.
Yes, that's right, Jim.
Oh yes.
Alright, thank you.
- Excuse me.
I'd like to apply for a
$1,000 loan, please.
(mockingly laughs)
- You gotta be out of your mind.
With the interest we charge
you can't afford to borrow money
unless you're
independently wealthy.
- But the ad says the
interest rate is only 9 1/2%.
(laughs)
- That's 9 1/2% a week.
Which comes to over
40% a year. (laughs)
- Oh, that's pretty steep.
(laughs breathlessly)
- That's only the
beginning. (laughs)
There are license fees,
service fees, filing fees,
mortgage fees,
chattel fees, legal fees
all compounded monthly.
You borrow money here,
for the rest of
your life we got you
by the installment
plan. (laughs)
- Well,
I guess there's only
one thing left to do.
- [Banker] What's that?
- (laughs) This is a stick up.
(both laughing)
- Say, that's a great slogan.
(both laughing)
A girl like you could really
go places in the loan business.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- You know this is amazing.
(doorbell ringing)
Excuse me, love.
There ya go.
Did you put the kettle on?
- Yup.
All ready for ya.
- Hi, Sydney Shuckandjive from
National Trust and Insurance.
You called me about
a little insurance.
Let's sit right down
here on the couch
and talk about this
little problem now.
Now I have insurance...
Oh this must be
your lovely, little wife.
- Yeah that's...
- Oh you beautiful, little
bundle of blonde beauty.
- I tell you something
I wanted to get...
(doorbell ringing)
Some accident insurance.
- Right here is the
accident insurance.
- Ask my wife, I'll
just get the door.
Hold on a minute, will ya?
- Mr. Jones, there's absolutely
no reason for me to lie to you.
My name is Carbrew Hedges
and I'm from the
encyclopedia company
and I wanna sell you
some encyclopedias.
- Well I must tell you...
- Nope.
You're not gonna throw me out
after you hear the kind
of deal I can make you.
No chance.
- I have somebody here
already with my wife.
- Well, that's alright.
I'll talk to your wife too.
- [Wife] I don't understand.
- Excuse me.
Madam, I don't mean
to trade on fear...
- Just a minute.
- An informed woman...
(phone ringing)
- Excuse me.
- Hello.
(men chattering)
Name of what song?
Oh, I think that's Stardust.
10 free dance lessons.
But I don't need...
(doorbell ringing)
10 free dance lessons.
- That's alright, I'll get it.
You guys are busy.
(audience laughs)
- Avon calling.
(audience laughs)
Are you the lady of the house?
I'd like to show you
some marvelous...
- Yes, I know, but I don't
need any dance lessons!
- Dance lessons?
I can use dance lessons.
I'll talk to them,
you talk to her.
Hello?
(doorbell ringing)
(people chattering)
- How do?
I'm demonstrating
Andy's Handy Dandy
Combo Chopper and Slicer.
See how this
little magic works...
(wife yelling)
Andy's Handy Dandy Chopper.
- Wait a minute.
- Chopper!
Chopper!
(salespeople chattering)
- Okay, that's enough.
That's enough!
Everybody out!
Out, come on.
Out!
Everybody out.
Come on.
Get out please.
Thank you.
We've heard enough.
Thank you.
(salespeople chattering loudly)
Thank you, we've had enough.
- I don't have any hair.
- Will you get out of here?
Thank you.
- Wait, honey.
- [Avon Lady] How
about a free sample pack?
- Would you get...
Didn't you want that
insurance, husband,
didn't you call them over here?
- Oh, the insurance.
That's the one thing I wanted.
Just a minute, love.
Put the kettle on, will ya?
Put the kettle on.
- Yes, it's on, I told you.
(screeching slide whistle)
(loud bangs)
- [Husband] Ow, my leg!
I broke my leg.
- Well, thank goodness we
didn't order dance lessons.
(audience laughs)
- Sales manual says "When
selling these hairbrushes
"be resourceful."
(knocking)
Sir, could I interest you
in a giant toothbrush?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- A vacuum cleaner
salesman came to my door
and I told him I had no
use for a vacuum cleaner.
So he sold me a
dirty rug. (laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(knocking)
- Oh, hi, Mr. Golden.
- Who is it, pussycat tiger?
- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Golden,
it's your wife I wanted to see.
I'll come back some
time when she's at home.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- Auditioning all these
actors isn't easy, Caroline.
I think I'll have a cigarette.
- Oh no, Nathan.
I gave them up and so can you.
- Look, Caroline, I
gotta have a cigarette.
- Oh, Nathan!
Now, you know these
things can kill you.
- Oh but Caroline, look,
look, I don't care.
I'd die for a cigarette.
I just need one... - No.
- One little cigarette.
- Nathan, stop it!
Now that's so...
- Lemme have a cigarette.
- Nathan!
Nathan, that's just
ridiculous of you.
(wood cracking)
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, but I'm here to
audition for the commercial.
- Yes.
Well,
here.
You just read the
script and be sincere.
Remember, it's our
job to sell cigarettes.
(audience laughs)
What makes it happen
Look at the people around you
Are you reflecting
the smile on your face
Try it and it will astound you
You gotta lot Hey you gonna lot
(audience applauds)
- Tsetse or is it seet-see?
- Fly.
Or is it flaw.
It's time for a quickie
A kicky little quickie
A tricky, kicky, quickie
Just like Dan and
Dickie trying to find
It might make you sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your talk is getting ticky
Try a quickie
And you're gonna blow your mind
- (laughs) Oh, the new
kid has a pretty loud voice.
(audience laughs)
Try a quickie
And you're gonna blow your mind
- You're not exactly
Tiny Tim yourself.
(audience laughs)
Gonna blow your mind
Gonna blow your mind
Gonna blow your
(breathes heavily)
- Come on Jo,
let's sing it pretty.
- Softer, pretty?
- Yeah, nice.
Try a quickie And
you're gonna blow your
Mind
(audience applauds)
- The winner.
Here's a quickie.
- Argh!
Quick,
get this out.
I can't stand it.
- Right away.
I (keys clicking)
can't (keys clicking)
stand (keys clicking)
it. (keys clicking)
Okay, it's out.
You wanna wait for an answer?
(hat pounding)
(knocks)
- Hey, I have a message
from the governor.
- What did he say?
- He said "Happy New Year."
(audience laughs)
Another biggie, folks.
(knocking)
- Good morning,
sir, good morning.
How 'bout a vacuum
cleaner for your wife?
- It's a deal.
(audience laughs)
- And further more this
is a lousy restaurant.
Your manners are atrocious.
Just look at that suit.
(imitates spitting)
Really atrocious.
Dreadful, terrible.
Blech!
- Waiter, waiter!
I order the lobster
you brought me a crab.
(audience laughs)
- Oh son!
- Mom!
Mom!
- My little boy.
- Mom!
Mom!
(mother groaning)
I love you mom.
(audience laughs)
I love you.
Mom!
(audience laughing)
I'll see ya, Mom.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
(siren blaring)
- [Lunchbox]
S'alright. (lid slams)
Close the door please.
(upbeat psychedelic music)
- In the laboratory
investigation of drug effects
no stone is left unturned.
But sometimes problems do arise.
- My dear I'm...
I'm worried about my
marijuana experiments on mice.
- I thought they were completed.
- Oh, I was finished a month ago
but I couldn't get
the mouse to stop.
- Doctor, that's ridiculous.
- I tried to tell him but he
just wouldn't listen to me.
Look, here he comes.
He can tell you himself.
Sheldon, come in here.
- Sheldon?
- Yes, he thinks
he's Shelly Temple.
(audience laughs)
- Hi!
Baby, you wanna turn on?
- See what I mean?
- This is unheard of.
- What's the matter, sweetie,
don't you dig scie-mce?
- The worst part of it
is he's even got the...
- Hey!
- The monkey too?
- If you guys are
all through with me
I'm gonna have a few
drinks with the guinea piggies.
- Guinea pigs?
- Yeah!
If I don't get there soon
they'll all be stoned
out of their gourds.
- High mice, turned on monkeys,
drunk guinea pigs,
is this any way to
run a laboratory?
- Oh, you bet it is.
- You keep out of
this, you crazy rodent.
- Me, crazy?
You're the one
talking to the mouse.
(audience laughs)
Bye!
- I've got some good news,
and I got some bad news.
First of all, I dreamt I was
on a stage completely naked.
That's the good news.
(audience laughs)
Now for the bad news.
I was riding
shotgun at the time.
(audience laughs)
- Well, folk, it's
that time again,
when we award the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate Award.
- And who gets the
noxious knuckle now?
- Listen to this one, folks.
A small group of
California legislators who,
without public discussion,
have been quietly
planning a new 24 floor,
twin towers state
capital building.
- Why worry about that?
Somebody's bound to
notice a thing like that in time.
- Yes, and we hope
they'll also notice
that it started out as a
32 and 1/2 million project
and now it's up to
65 million dollars.
Double your pleasure
Double your fun
- For them maybe.
Now the first model was scraped
when they found they had left
out the underground parking.
So they got another architect.
- Ah-Ha!
I bet this one's got a car.
- The committee men have
taken trips to a number of cities
and what's really weird,
two California senators
spent 23 days in Brazil
in South America just
to look at buildings,
after the second model
was completely finished.
- Who's gonna notice a
couple of extra nuts in Brazil?
- And so for allowing
the whole project
to get so completely out of hand
that the state capital
building will cost
California taxpayers
almost half a million dollars,
for each and every
lawmaker's office,
we salute the
California legislators.
- And give to that little group
of penny pinching politicians
our coveted Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate Award.
And if you have any questions
as to where to place it,
ask any Californian taxpayer,
I'm sure he can suggest
an appropriate parking place.
- Be sure and tune
in next week, folk,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the Wild and Wonderful
Wayward Winged Weenie,
will wend its way to those
wonderful wizards of ooze.
Who's constant offshore drilling
has helped turn our
California coastline
into the slickest thing
you've ever seen.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat piano music)
- Are you sure Desi
Arnaz started like this?
(flute cracking)
(doors banging)
(upbeat fanfare music)
- Hi!
(upbeat fanfare music)
- Well, I certainly
enjoyed myself tonight.
How about you?
- Well I guess so.
You know I'm ready now
for a little skinny dippin'.
- Skinny dipping?
Why I didn't know you
were a skinny dipper.
- Sure, every night I go
swimming without anything on.
Nothing at all.
Makes me feel like a new man.
- Really relaxes you?
- Well I guess so.
'Til I climb up on the pier
and try to borrow a
towel in the restaurant.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, folks, glad
you could be with us.
And we'll see you next week.
- Yup, we'll see you next week
unless you wanna meet me
at the beach in about an hour
and bring your own towel.
(audience laughs)
- I gotcha covered, Dick.
- I certainly hope so.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Gladys.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Jo Anne.
- Yes, Judy?
Is this a take? (laughs)
- Yes it is a take.
What do you get if you cross
an aardvark with an abalone?
- I don't know, but
it would certainly
be listed first in
the yellow pages.
(audience laughs)
- Hey,
hey do you know
cigarette manufacturers
are gonna stop
manufacturing cigarettes?
- Oh really?
What are they gonna
push now, arthritis?
- Alan.
- What is it, Pammy, baby booty?
- I fell asleep in the sun
and burnt my whole left side.
What should I do?
- I'd turn the other cheek.
(audience laughs)
- I was riding shotgun
back on page 394.
- Hey, Dan.
- Hello, Goldie.
- You know what?
My little parakeet
started talking.
- No kidding?
What did he say?
- Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I don't
understand parakeet.
- Henry!
How do you clean a parakeet?
(Henry laughing)
Good!
- Was that another
dirty parakeet joke?
- No, it's a super weenie joke.
(knocks)
- Hey, Davy.
- Hey, Byron.
- What's full of straw
and wears a mask?
- That's the Lone Manger.
- Micky.
- Ow!
- Are you there?
(Micky yelling) (hand banging)
- Wait a minute, this
is a take, Micky, a take!
- This is you,
knocking yourself out.
- What, Judy?
- This is me,
forgetting my joke.
I wonder why electricians
are always broke.
- It's because they
always, every day
get a little short.
- Judy, Judy.
- Here I am.
- What did the chiropractor say
to the girl with the bad knee?
- What did the chiropractor say
to the girl with the bad knee?
- The chiropractor said to
the girl with the bad knee,
"What's a rotten joint like this
"doing in a nice girl like you?"
(audience laughs)
- What's a joke like that
doing in a nice
joke wall like this?
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Hey, Jo Anne.
- Is that a dirty parakeet joke?
(audience laughs)
Is this a take?
(audience laughs)
Where am I?
Help!
- [Dan] Judy, Jeremy.
- This is me, where are you?
- [Dan] Where's Jeremy?
- Jeremy, it's the
long, black whip joke.
- Oh yes, and
it's very funny too.
- You would have loved it.
- There are a lot
of S's in Mississippi.
- Yes, but there are
a lot of nice folks too.
- What is the best way for
a lawyer to feel his briefs?
- File his briefs!
- File his briefs.
- That's better.
(audience laughing)
- Well, first...
- Where's the take, Arte?
It's a take.
- It's Pam's turn, go ahead.
- Wait a minute, Pam,
let him do it again.
- Pam, it's a take.
- Turn the cards back.
(all laughing)
What is the best way
for a filer to fill his...
- A lawyer to file his briefs.
- What is the best way for
a lawyer to file his briefs?
(singing fanfare music)
- Well first, he
should take them off.
- Unless he's riding
shotgun on page 394.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Goldie.
- Goldie!
- Goldie.
I understand you got a parakeet.
- (laughs) We did this.
- Oh!
(Goldie laughing)
(upbeat organ music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat organ music)
- Now what seems to be the
problem, Mr. Breckinridge?
(audience laughing)
- I don't think I'll
drink again today.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding show
was prerecorded earlier
to allow the producer
time to buy the writing staff
a new box of Crayola.
- Very interesting.
But no half as much fun as
a May wine festival. (laughs)
Especially May
brings the bottle.
Dummy you.
Goodnight, Lucy, I forgive you.
I'm coming May.
Also, I'm coming June.
June is busting out all.
- Bye!
(single person clapping)