Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 25 - Episode #3.25 - full transcript

- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Ladies and gentleman
in our audience tonight,

we are honored to have one of
the greatest names in comedy,

Milton Berle.

- And I'm sure that if we give
him a big round of applause,

he'd be willing to sit down.

- I don't know why
NBC needs a peacock

when they got these
two guys to lay eggs.

(quirky music)

- Please Nathan
you're driving me crazy.



- Am I the first.

Am I really the first?

(audience laughing)

- Mm, this is a terrific dip.

I wonder what it's made of?

- Mostly cigarette
butts, sweetheart.

That's the ashtray.

(audience laughing)

- When I wrote that joke it
was already 20 years old.

(audience laughing)

(loud crash)

- Hello Teresa, I'm Edgar Bergen

and this is Mortimer Snerd.

- Oh, well which
one's the dummy?



- Well he is.

- I always thought it was you.

- You see how dumb he is.

- He's dumb and I'm
standing here talking to a log.

(laughing)

- And I tell you it'll
be such fun when I do

the life of Mickey Mouse.

Then I would, excuse me sir,
there isn't any need to go over

to the studio.

I already have the
part of Mickey Mouse.

- There must be some mistake,

I'm auditioning for the lead
in the life of Mickey Rooney.

- Tell me Mr. Berle,
in your sketches,

why do you often
dress as a women?

- Well you see it's based on a
fundamental comedy principle.

You see when a comedian.

Pardon me, I think
my strap broke.

(audience laughing)

- Different strokes
for different folks.

- And know from the beautiful

downtown Burbank
white bread box,

NBC throws one more
obstacle in the way of

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring the crusty Dan Rowan

and the crumbly Dick Martin

with special guest
star and nice guy,

the Myron Breckinridge
of Tuesday night,

Mr. and Mrs.
Television, Milton Berle,

and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Alan Sues

and speaking of canons,

Laugh-In's own big
bang, Jo Anne Worley,

also, Teresa Graves,

Pamela Rogers, Jeremy
Lloyd and Lily Tomlin

and me, I'm Gary Owens

bring you this impotent message.

Oh, excuse me.

There's an R missing there.

This impotent mersage.

(audience laughing)

- It's gone, my headache's gone.

- Dad, if I did
something like that

and it's upstairs to
bed with no supper.

- For all you test tube babies,
Happy Birth Control Day.

(laughing)

- Hey Mr. Berle that
joke was really funny.

- Thank you very much Alan.

- Whose was it?

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(explosion)

- Goldie, tell me what happened
on your date with Charles.

- Wait till you hear this.

First he picked me up
in this big foreign car

and then he took me to this
real fancy restaurant, yeah

and then he took me
up to his apartment

and he got me stoned, mm-hmm,

and then he did
a terrible thing.

- Oh no, tell me every detail.

- He fell asleep.

- Now isn't that a rat.

- That yes it is.

- What a dirty shame.

- I'll tell you.

He's a fool.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Spinning.

(audience laughing)

- And now Ms. Jo Anne
Worley sings the song

that is number one on
Howard Hughes hit parade.

(piano music)

This land is my land

- We had that song
for a little while.

- Now let's get this straight,

I never stole one single joke.

- You're right Mr. Berle,
you've stolen thousands.

(audience laughing)

(pop goes the weasel tune)

- What are you thinking about?

- Nothing.

- Well get your
mind off Milton Berle,

we got a show to do.

- Yeah but I.

- What do you say we
go to the cocktail party?

- Are you letting
your sideburns grow?

- It'd be kind of
hard to stop them.

- They make you look dashing.

- Oh thank you, so does Joyce.

- Joyce makes you
look more dashing?

- No the sideburns.

- Joyce has sideburns?

- Hold it, somethings
not right here.

- I didn't know that.

- You switched places with me.

There, now let's
go to the party.

- Okay Dick, let's
go to the party.

- That's more like it.

For a minute I thought you
were my summer replacement.

- Come on folks,
you're all invited.

(drum roll)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- An answer to President
Nixon's attack on television,

one network fired
a vice president

and requested that
Nixon do the same.

- I called Boris up the
other night and told him

everything was off and he said,

"Goodie, you mix a couple
of drinks and I'll be right over."

- Do you know that artist
models earn 10 dollars an hour

just sitting around naked.

I do think that's exorbitant

but I need the
money desperately.

(upbeat music)

- Call my insurance man.

- Oh, excuse me.

You know Mr. Ross
Smeckle, it's a fact that

Present Nixon is now
turning our pollution problem

over to the space agency.

Did you hear that?

- Mr. Rowan, it's now
going to be the president

saying to the astronauts,

on your way out
take out the garbage

and make sure the
bag doesn't break.

(laughing)

- You know the president
felt we couldn't afford

the money for a health
and education program,

so he vetoed the bill,
as simple as ABM.

(upbeat music)

- The administrations
going all out to clean up our

rivers and streams.

You know it looks like
the fish got a better lobby

than the poor people.

(audience laughing)

- Well last night
my boyfriend, finally,

popped the
question but I said no,

not till we're married.

- They say the church may
have to start paying taxes soon.

Oh well, the Lord giveth and
the government taketh away.

- Madam, after the party, how
about coming down to my place?

- No.

- In that case, I'll have
to go up to your place.

(upbeat music)

- Teresa, did you hear
the government has spent,

in the past two years,

28 million dollars renting
buildings in Vietnam.

- My goodness.

Listen, if we just
stopped paying the rent,

maybe we can get evicted.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Sevey.

- Mm-Hmm.

- How about coming up to
my place for a couple of drinks?

- Gee, I don't know.

If I had a couple of
drinks at your place,

well there's no telling
of what would happen.

- Good, I'm not telling
if you're not telling.

- There's another no, no.

(upbeat music)

- Young lady, have
you no scruples.

- Oh.

What kind of language
is that from a parson.

(upbeat music)

- The way some of the
younger generation carries on,

some people wish that they
develop a birth control pill

that was retroactive.

(upbeat music)

(audience applauding)

- But why me, why always me?

(audience laughing)

- Charlie, how do you
like being on Laugh-In?

- Well it's, kind of, like
being on the Titanic.

- Why do you say that?

- Because I'm getting
an awful sinking feeling.

- Which reminds me of the
tale of the dancing maiden

and the fascinating way, in
which, she trimmed the wicks

of the sha's candles.

It is a goodie.

- Oh Mr. Berle, Mr. Berle.

- Yes Henry, what is it?

- Well this was just delivered
at the stage door for you.

- Well that's very
kind of you to deliver it

and bring it to me.

I can't imagine who it's from.

(booing)

- See they do remember you.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- What a day,
what a day I've had!

This morning I broke my mirror.

This afternoon I
walked under a ladder

and tonight a white
cat crossed my path.

Now with the bad news.

Are you ready for this?

Ladies and gentleman,
Mr. Milton Berle.

- Yeah but I.

- AM and FM.

- I'd like to see some of
your best Dresden China.

- Yes ma'am.

(shattering)

- Well, don't you have anything

in a little better condition?

(buzzing)

(quirky music)

- Tyrone, we've arranged a
bachelor party to celebrate

your forthcoming marriage
to the fair Ms. Ormphby.

- Oh,

that delicate flower
who I have no doubt

is at this very moment,
trembling with anticipatory desire.

- It's gonna be a great night.

- How dare you.

- I meant the bachelor party.

- It's tonight,
now don't fail us.

- Well, frankly sir, I am not
concerned about failing you.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Well this I gotta tell you.

- Milton Berle.

- Yes.

- Here's a rose
for a great comic.

- A rose?

That's no rose.

- Well, you're no
Henny Youngman.

(audience laughing)

(frog croaking)

- Hey, you want
to go play leap kid?

(frog croaking)

(quirky music)

(coughing)

- On this date in
history in 1937,

Perth, Australia
completely disappeared

for nearly 24 hours.

A criminal in Sydney was
apprehended the next day

on a charge of Perth snatching.

- Ladies and gentleman,
as a rule, show people

lead very erratic
lives and in my time

I've been up, I've been down,

I've been poor, I've been rich,

I've been sad, I've been happy

but may I say that this
is the first time in my life

I've ever been embarrassed.

Here are Dick and Dan.

- Well thank you.

Good evening
ladies and gentleman.

- For my first
selection this evening

I will step to the keyboard
and play Bach's Fugue.

- Bach's Fugue.

- Eight to five on
that one in G minor.

(laughing)

- You're kidding.

- What's the matter, you
don't like Cole Porter?

- I love Cole Porter.

- Good, Irma will
be glad to hear that.

- Irma?

- My piano teacher.

- Oh, for heaven sake.

How long you been
taking piano lessons?

- Since last night,
just after 12, as I recall.

- After 12, that's a little
late to start piano lessons,

isn't it?

- Funny, that's just what
her husband Bruno said.

- Ah.

His, unexpected, arrival
made you an instant

music student, right?

- I was half way
through Dardanella

before we got to
the living room.

(laughing)

- Fast learner.

- Yeah when it
comes to the old piano

I'm a regular Jascha Heifetz.

- Jascha Heifetz is a violinist.

- Sure but I play piano
just as good as he does.

- I'm glad you're doing so well.

- As a matter of fact, I
was thinking of forming

an all girl orchestra.

- Now what in the
world would you do

with an all girl orchestra?

- A whole lot of
one night stands.

- Hello, may I help you?

- Yes, I'd like to
buy these shoes.

- Oh.

These shoes?

Well, these very famous
tap shoes happen to belong

to a very famous tap dancer

by the name of BJ Jangles

and he died while
he was wearing them

and I don't know how to
tell you this but rumor has it

that they're... haunted.

- I don't believe all
that haunted stuff,

nah.

- Suit yourself, sir.

- Look at that hat.

- Miss, I don't know
how to tell you this

but I can't possibly
sell you that hat.

You see that belonged
to Ms. Lily Birch,

a very famous singer

and she died while
she was entertaining

the King of Bulgaria
and rumor has it that it's

haunted!

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- Haunted, trust me.

- Those happy dancing feet.

Sing with me.

- What's happening?

- I told you those
things are haunted.

- I can't stop, I can't stop!

What should I do?

- Well take them off.

- And give up showbiz.

- Here it is 1995 Charlie.

25 years since we
graduated from college.

Tell me what are you doing now?

Got a 40 acre ranch in Idaho.

- Potatoes?

- No, marijuana.

You?

- I'm... I'm on films.

- Huh, comedy or series?

- No, pornographic.

- Good for you.

Got a letter from
old Harry yesterday.

- Good old heavy Harry.

I haven't seen him in 20 years.

What's he doing?

- 20 years.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, remember back in
1970 when Harry and us

barricaded ourselves in
the administration building

for two weeks with
the Dean of women.

- How can I forget it.

The second week was her idea.

(engine)

(audience laughing)

- So she said to me,
why don't you do what

Governor Regan did

and I said what,
go into politics?

She said no.

Get out of the business.

- Now is part of the educational
section of our program.

Here is Goldie Hawn
who will explain to you

what the time zones mean.

- There are four time
zones in the United States.

For instance, if you're
having lunch in Chicago

it's breakfast
time in California.

Of course, if you're in Chicago

you wouldn't feel like
breakfast if you're from California

because you've just had lunch.

However, those
living in New York,

it's dinner time
while we're still

eating lunch here in California,

which means the time is
totally different as in the menu.

All this is caused by the sun,

which cannot be
everywhere you know,

otherwise it would
never be night

and we'd never know
when to eat dinner.

Well in my time zone
that's all the time I have

but maybe in your time
zone I haven't finished yet.

So stay tuned, thank you.

- And now ladies and gentleman,

it gives me great pleasure
to present to you at this time.

- Mr. Berle, Mr. Berle.

I have a phone call for you.

- Oh, thank you very much Henry.

Will you excuse me please.

- Yes.

- Hello, yes this
is Milton Berle.

(booing)

That's the last straw.

I don't have to
take that you know.

Dan, Dan Rowan,
would you come here?

- Yeah Milton,
what's the problem?

- What's the problem?

Look Dan, I come on
your show, I work hard.

I come out here to
do an introduction

and this degenerate jockey
interrupts me with a phone call.

I try to be a nice guy
and I try to answer it

and what happens.

I get booed over the telephone.

Now what do you
got to say about that?

- Boo.

Boo!

(quirky music)

(shattering)

- And now ladies and
gentleman of America,

time once again to hear
from a commentator,

whose comments are always,
tastefully, right on target.

A man of the very
highest caliber,

our own very tasteful
General Bull Wright.

Thank you.

(tearing)

- Alright America, atten-hut.

General Bull Wright here.

Tonight's commentary
is dedicated

to the Department of Defense

and a new C5A transport
building a great tradition

of them M16 rifle and
the F-111 fighter bomber.

I want to talk to you about
these so-called Pentagon

cost over runs that
everybody's beefing about.

Sure they're two and
a half billion dollars

over on one project,

six million over on another,

two or three million
over on another.

(laughing)

What the heck, you can't
expect them to keep track

of every penny.

Well that's it.

Smoke em if you got em

and watch for my new
documentary of film on

military contracts, it's called
Take the Money and Run.

(patriotic music)

(ding)

- You know if my wife,
Ruth, knew I was here

she'd really be angry.

She thinks I'm in
Tijuana getting loaded.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Tempid.

Miss Tomlin again, you're
very own Miss Tomlin

from the telephone company.

We seem to have been cutoff.

Oh you hung up, well.

We all have our little hangups.

(snorting)

Now then to get back to yours,

the obscene phone calls I mean.

Mr. Tempid tell me,
have you tried therapy?

Obscene phone
calls are your therapy.

Mr. Tempid, what
about your clergyman?

Have you tried talking
to your clergyman?

He won't accept
anymore of your calls.

Well, Mr. Tempid have you
tried taking cold showers?

The phone cord won't
reach the shower.

- Yeah but.

(audience laughing)

- Vanisha, Vanisha
this is Ernestine.

Listen, if a Mr. D.
Tempid calls and I'm out,

I want you to give him
my home phone number.

(audience laughing)

- [Jo Anne] Don't.

Owe, I didn't know it was you.

- Don't do that.

- Vicious woman.

- She's a dear.

I can't wait till the
hunting season opens.

(upbeat music)

(snorting)

- Who's your favorite
comedian, son?

- Well that's hard to say.

- Why's that?

- Cause I don't want to get hit.

(laughing)

- So Roy says you're
entertainment director

for Glucks Hillside Show.

- Yeah, I figure we'll star
Bud and Cece Robinson.

- Bud and Cece,
they're very good.

Couldn't get Fred and
Ginger this year, huh?

- Well Fred and Ginger
were busy and I figured that,

thank you.

I figured that if we
could open the dance.

- Who have you got for comedy?

- Comedy we got Herky Stiles.

- Herky's good.

- Jack Durant.

- Jack Durant is great.

- And the we have.

You get Jack Durant then
you don't have to have.

- That's true.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I figured if I take.

- You need a big symposium.

- That's true.

Who would it be?

(audience applauding)

- Most Naked People
by Henry Gibson.

Most naked people
are in show business,

except for babies
and they don't count.

(audience laughing)

- Very, very good.

- Thank you, Mr. Berle.

- Really, very good.

- I'm hoping you're
not still mad at me.

- Mad at you Henry, never, never

and kid my I just say this?

You may not stop the
show but you sure slow it up.

- Yeah but I.

- AM and FM.

(quirky music)

- This is a very funny idea.

- Mr. Berle.

Mr. Berle you know
you've taken an awful lot

of ribbing from us
here on the show.

- I should say I have.

- Yeah, well Dick and
Dan and the whole cast,

they want you to know
that they really love you,

they're only kidding.

- Yeah.

- I want to make up.

- Make up?

- What?

- Make up.

(audience laughing)

How can you get a
laugh with that joke

with a small, little puff.

You gotta hit the guy like that.

You gotta hit the guy.

Hit him, hit him,
hit him, hit him!

What dumb, dumbs on the show.

I've gone crazy, crazy!

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah but I, yeah but you.

(drum roll)

- Well son, what do you
think of the show so far?

- Let's just say
it fits Burbank.

(upbeat music)

(coughing)

(audience laughing)

(coughing)

(quirky music)

- Alan, you know I worked
in a theater in Cleveland.

The room was so small
the mice were hunchback.

What's the matter?

- That's one of the worst
things I've ever heard.

- It is, huh?

No it isn't.

Want to hear something worse?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Laugh-In news.

- That hurts.

Friends there's something

That you all should know

You all should know
You all should know

You all should know

News across the nation

We guard the information

In a way, we hope
with our news (whistle)

- Wrong, wrong!

The whole thing is wrong.

Oh this staging is terrible,
the choreography's terrible,

everything is badly done.

- Yeah, but I.

- You have no lines
and where does it say

singer louses up great comedian.

Nothing is right.

You'll do it my way.

If Mr. Bernard is
awake, music please.

We just bombed our news

(laughing)

Ladies and germs

Laugh-In belongs in the news

- Take Dan please.

- No applause, no more applause.

- That's it.

- No more applause.

- And now here's the
man doing the news,

wouldn't be the news
without the news,

- Me?

- Here's Ricky.

(audience applauding)

- Thank you, Dick.

Dateline, Fairbanks,
not Douglas, Alaska.

Dateline, Fairbanks.

The discovery of
petroleum in Alaska

has brought a dramatic
change in the lives

of thousands of Eskimos.

An industry spokesman said,

now instead of barely
eking out a living

by hunting and fishing,

they can make as
much as $1.40 a day

cleaning oil barrels.

(laughing)

- Dick, we gotta get the
cue cards bigger for you.

(audience laughing)

- Today Hollywood announced
completion of the first

three erotic cartoons created,
especially, to be shown

with X rated movies.

They are Fanny
Mouse, Bugs in the Band

and Lady Chatterley's Duck.

(laughing)

- Pitiful.

- Burbank, California
archaeologists disclosed today

that the crude markings
and primitive drawings

recently unearthed in Burbank,

prove to be somewhere
between two and three weeks old.

(laughing)

Take it away Goldie.

- Okay America,
ship up or shape out.

General Goldie here.

Tonight's future
news is brought to you

and I know you'll like it.

(laughing)

I mean you will
like it is what I mean

and you better like it.

Are we still on?

Are we still on?

(laughing)

At ease and stand attention

cause here's Corporal Dan.

- Key West 1990,
20 years from now,

an underwater
exploration team working

off the coast of Africa,

today discovered the long
lost continent of Atlantis.

The team reported finding
complete devastation

with the exception
of a red telephone

with the receiver off the hook.

(audience laughing)

- How come Milton
doesn't interrupt you?

- I had a deal worked out.

- I only interrupt
the straight men.

- That was the deal.

Washington, D.C.

1975, five years from know,

South Vietnam today
became our 51st state.

The government officials said,

it may not lessen hostilities
but, at least, our boys

won't be fighting
on foreign soil.

(drum roll)

- Hi.

This is busy, bustling, Buzzi

buzzing from the backstreet
boudoirs of Hollywood.

(laughing)

After performing
an amazing stunt

on the set of
his latest picture,

actor Steve
McQueen's leading lady

told him she'd quit the picture

if he ever pulled another
stunt like that again.

(audience laughing)

This is Buzzi in
Tinseltown saying,

kissy, kissy, kissy.

(laughing)

Woo.

(sirens)

- This quieting
news my little guppy,

we cannot sleep
together tonight.

(coughing)

My attendance is
solicited to break bread

with my boon companions

at a modest festivity
almost imminently.

- A stag party?

- A bachelor dinner.

A convivial seminar.

A stag party.

- Tyrone F. Horneigh, I
don't want you drinking.

- Oh.

It hardly needs mentioning.

- And no smoking.

- It hardly requires warning.

- And no girls.

- It hardly seems worth going.

(audience laughing)

- And now here's Goldie Hawn
with another Laugh-In fable.

- A fox caught a
rabbit and said,

I'm gonna eat you up,

but the crafty rabbit said,

Thank you Mr. Fox, I was
afraid you might throw me

into the briar patch.

Eat me up but please don't
throw me in the briar patch.

So the fox who was not so crafy

didn't know what
a briar patch was,

so he ate the rabbit up.

- Edgar.

I wonder how Goldie does that,

her lips work but her
brain doesn't move.

- You know Mr. Berle I
know a man who watched you

week after week,
month after month,

for five years straight.

- A devoted fan?

- No, a peeping Tom.

- Yeah but I.

(quirky music)

(coughing)

- Hi.

- And now the next
scene in my show.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Are you Milton Berle?

The comedian who dresses
up in women's clothes.

- Of course I am, don't
you recognize me?

- No, I've never
seen you before.

- How do you know I dress
up in women's clothes?

- Well backstage I
heard somebody say,

is that big drag
still on camera.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah but I.

- Cheer up folks.

Listen, things could
be worse you know.

- She was so bow-legged that.

- See what'd I tell ya.

(quirky music)

- Henny Youngman.

- What do you mean
they said I was short.

(quirky music)

(audience laughing)

- You look beautiful
when you're mad.

- Stop it you're
driving me crazy.

(laughing)

- I heard a funny line.

I was walking down the street.

- You're sure taking an
awful ribbing tonight Mr. Berle.

Here's a gift for a great comic.

- Thank you very much, Henry.

- Could you give
it to Jack Carter.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Berle are
there any openings

in your Las Vegas
act for a showgirl?

- Well not really but in your
case I'll make an opening.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- You're welcome.

- Agatha, Agatha, come on in.

I got you the job dear.

Mr. Berle, Ms. Grunt.

- Come on Teresa, I
mean I love old jokes

but this is ridiculous.

- Don't fight it,

Milton baby, it's
bigger than both of us.

- Sing your heart out Grunt.

- Medic.

- And now another episode
in the seemingly endless saga

of the Farkel Family,

entitled Just Plain Farkels.

We join them now as
Mother Fanny Farkel says.

- Hi, I'm Frank Farkel,
this is my wife Fanny Farkel

and these are our children.

- Mark and Sparkle.

- Simon and Gar - And her.

- Hi.

- Flicker Farkel, I used
to know all that stuff

and this is our good neighbor

and trusted friend, Ferd Berfel.

Been doing anything
interesting lately, Ferd?

- Yep, same old thing.

(door bell)

- Fird, I hear the door bell.

Who can that be?

- Hi, maybe you remember me.

You know my brother
Officer Phil McKarkel.

Well I'm his brother
Will McKarkel.

- Frank Farkle, Will McKarkel.

Fanny Farkle, Will, Fanny.

Fanny, Will.

- Will McKarkel, Mark
and Sparkle Farkle,

Simon and Gar Farkle,

Will McKarkel, our
good friend Ferd Burpel.

Will, Ferd, Ferd, Will.

What's in the basket?

- Well I was passing
through the neighborhood

and I found this
foundling on your doorstep.

- Cute little fella.

- A welcome
addition to any family.

- Let's keep him.

- Yes, the house will
seem so empty without him.

- Done.

- I'll raise him as though
he were my very own.

- Very own what?

(door bell)

- Ferd, I hear the door.

- If you don't remember me.

- No, can't say as I do.

- I was just passing
through the neighborhood

and I found this
foundling on the doorstep.

- Cute little fella.

- A welcome addition.

- Let's keep him.

- Yes, the house
will seem so empty.

- Done.

- Well that makes two of a kind.

(door bell)

- Maybe you remember.

- Just leave it with the others.

- Done.

- Don't fail to tune
in next week friends

when we'll hear
Ferd Berthel say...

- That's a fine flock of
foundlings you got there Frank.

- Thanks, Ferd.

- You can lead a Ferd to water

but you can't make him Farkel.

(audience applauding)

- Thank you.

You're terrific.

What an audience.

Hold, hold it, hold it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm overwhelmed.

What more can I do for you?

- Why don't you leave.

- I would...

Now I know why England
is ruled by a queen.

(audience laughing)

- During the 60's, super
secret agent James Bond

always got his man.

- I James Bond,
super secret agent 007

have done it again.

You're Doctor No.

- No.

- No?

- No, he's No.

- He's No.

- Yes, he's No.

- You're No.

- Whose No?

I'm not No, he's No.

- He's No?

- Yes, he's No.

- No, he's No.

- You know you're No.

- No, I know you're No.

- No.

- Dr. No.

- Yes.

- Gotcha.

- There's no truth to the
rumor that Lee Marvin's buddies

call him cuddles.

- There's no truth to the
rumor that the Black Panthers

are a branch of
the Ku Klux Klan.

(cats meow)

- And there is no
truth to the rumor

that Yul Brynner
wears a hear piece.

(cats meow)

(quirky music)

- You know honey,
Beverly's seeing a psychiatrist.

- What does she
need a psychiatrist for?

The woman's out of her mind.

- Well the psychiatrist says
she's got a split personality.

You know he says when
people can't face their problems,

they slip into a
world of fantasy.

- Fantasy, ridiculous.

- Anyway, I'm gonna
go see him twice a week.

It'll only come to 50 dollars.

- 50 dollars.

Unfortunately there's one
thing that you're overlooking.

- What's that?

- This entire castle is
surrounded by my men.

You thought that you
were clever countess

but know we face
each other alone.

Release both my
musketeers from the dungeon.

- Forget the whole thing.

I won't go at all.

- I have a surprise for you,

a very good surprise.

The boss is coming
over for lunch,

then we're going out,
play a round of golf.

- Golf, now wait a minute.

You told me we'd go
shopping remember.

- Some other time,
some other time dear.

- What do you mean
some other time,

some other time dear!

When Tarzan hears about
this he's going to kill you.

(audience laughing)

- Tarzan?

- Tarzan, my mate.

Cheetah, boy, we
must kill this outsider.

- Have a care countess.

My father was the best
known swordsman in all France.

- Hear me men of the
jungle, he wants only our gold.

- Get away from there you tart.

People of France,
this wench lies.

Away from here, away, away!

(laughing)

(knocking)

- There's someone at the door.

- It's the boss.

I give up, you win.

- No lunch.

- No lunch.

- No golf.

- No, no golf dear.

- Okay.

- Hi boss, come right in.

I'm sorry boss, I've got
some bad news for you.

- No lunch, no lunch.

- And no golf.

- No lunch.

No golf.

- No.

- You fools.

I knew all along it was a trap.

Take that D'Artagnan.

(gasp)

And as for you my dear.

Ah!

(quirky music)

- Yeah but I.

(audience laughing)

I but yeah.

- Moving right along,

Laugh-In's new
talent Jimmy Caesar.

(audience applause)

(piano music)

By the time I get to Phoenix

She'll be rising

She'll find a
note I left hanging

On the door

And she'll laugh (laughing)

When she reads the part

That says I'm leaving

Cause I left that girl
So many times before

By the time I make Oklahoma

She'll be sleeping (snoring)

She'll turn softly

And she'll call my name out low

And she'll cry

Just to think I'd
really leave her

Oh time and time
I try to tell Her so

She just didn't know

I would really

(audience applauding)

- Good morning sugar.

What do you recommend
for a headache?

- This.

(thump)

- Well.

- That'll give you
one every time.

- Charming sense of
humor, typically American.

(audience laughing)

- As we continue our
bombastic review I would.

- Oh, Mr. Berle.

Do I look like the kind of girl

who could really sell a song.

- Well that's very
hard to say Gladys,

possibly if you took it door
to door in a brown paper bag.

(audience laughing)

- If Tyrone and
Gladys have children,

I hope it doesn't
take after anybody.

(quirky music)

- Uncle Al had a lot
of medicine last night.

Well kids Uncle Al's gonna
sing a song of the brownies

but first here are the
words and they go.

I have something in my pocket

and it belongs upon my face.

I keep it very close to
me in a most convenient

(clearing throat)

place.

I'll bet you'll never guess it,

if you guess a long, long time.

Boy this goes on, doesn't it?

And so I pulled it out and take.

(shouting)

- Melissa.

- [Melissa] Smile.

- I can hardly wait
till you get old enough

to have you arrested.

I can't stand you,
you little twerp.

- [Melissa] You're all wet.

- And that goes
for you too Daphne

and I tell ya Roger,
if you say I love you,

I'll kill ya.

- [Roger] I really
love you Uncle Al.

- Get him.

- Show me a gorilla from Athens

and I'll show you
a grease monkey.

(drum roll)

- Show me a stretch
of the Mississippi River

and I'll show you a dirty film.

- Show me a man
living by bread alone

and I'll show you a man
running on flour power.

- He loves me,

he loves me not, he loves me,

he loves me not, he loves me.

Now wait a minute,
you made me lose track.

He loves me not.

And now The end
is near And so I face

The final curtain My friends

I'll say it clear
I'll state my case

Of which I'm certain

I live a life that's full.

I travel each and every highway

And more Much more than this

I did it my way

- Gentlemen, gentlemen welcome.

Welcome to this
very festive evening.

We're here tonight
to honor and celebrate

the coming marriage of this
fine gentleman seated here.

(laughing)

Great man.

Of course, you all
know what marriage is.

That's where two
people promise to love

until death does them part.

(laughing)

What till I tell it.

- I'm sorry.

- And then they start
speeding up the process.

(laughing)

Like it?

Although, I do know a
man and a woman who have

been married for 50
years and never had a fight,

maybe that's because they're
not married to each other.

(laughing)

But seriously folk, tonight
we're going to celebrate

the impending marriage
of my dearest friend

and closest associate.

What's his name?

- Tyrone F. Horneigh.

- Myrone Porno.

This charming and popular
man is going to marry

that beautiful
lady, Alice Homely.

Anyway, gentlemen I propose
a toast to the bridegroom.

A little poem that I've written

and I'd like to read it to you.

You'll love it.

- Here's to Tyronne,
an unusal man.

May his love for his dear Gladys

be no flash in the pan.

Through the park he pursued her.

On a bench he first wooed her.

He wanted to tell all the boys

that he had met the future
Mrs. Tyrone F. Horneigh

and now the moment that
we've all been waiting for,

fanfare.

(drum roll)

Let her rip.

Watch it.

- Wow.

(applauding)

(whistling)

- You put a pair
of baggy stockings

and a hair net on that broad,

you might have had something.

(audience laughing)

- [Berle] You're alright Tyrone.

Now here's a little
something from the boys.

There's a little something.

(laughing)

- Thank you gentlemen,

what I've always
wanted, a puppy.

(audience laughing)

Come on Spot, come on.

- Wait, where are
you going Tyrone?

- I'm gonna take a little walk

to where my heart beats faster.

- [Dan] Oh, you're
going over to see Gladys.

- No, to the park for one
last stroll by the swings.

(laughing)

Come Spot, we'll
do it over there.

- Let's hear it for my boy.

(applauding)

- Spot come on, move along.

Yesterday,

all my troubles.

(laughing)

You little scene stealer, I'm
gonna break your neck later.

(audience laughing)

- Young lady, I
can see by this line

that you have three children.

- But I don't have any children.

- You gotta get that line fixed.

- Gee Dad, I'm already 12.

How long do I have to
wait for my bar mitzvah?

- Bar mitzvah, bar
mitzvah, that's funny.

You don't look Jewish.

(comedic music)

(chewing)

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

(horse neighing)

- This is Gladys Horneigh.

(bang)

- Speaking of weddings.

- Who was speaking of weddings?

- I heard somebody
speaking of weddings.

I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once said
when she was trapped

in the honeymoon suite at
Glucks Hillside in Bangor, Maine

with the Bangor, Maine
supermarket box boys

marching band.

The odds were pretty
good on that one.

- Yes they were.

What did she say, sir?

- Well she said if
you're ever planning

a honeymoon in New England,
you should go to bangor.

- Maine.

- Mm.

- Say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight Dick and
goodnight to all the

Bangor, Maine
supermarket box boys.

- Marching band.

- You did a bang up job.

- Goodnight everybody.

(audience applauding)

- My idea of an optimist
is a 90 year old man

who gets married and
buys a home close to

an elementary school.

- I understand that.

My friend who was a confirmed
bachelor suddenly got married.

I asked him what got into him?

He said buckshot.

- And did you hear
about the new baby,

disco tech for babies?

- No, what do they call it?

- A goo goo go-go.

- Although, Venice, Italy
is a few thousand years old

and New York city's only 100,

they do have one
thing in common.

- Oh, what's that?

- Garbage in their water.

(laughing)

- Pam.

- Yeah.

- What happens when a human
body is immersed in water?

- Well, usually the phone rings.

(laughing)

- Two women were
sitting in an english pub

and one said,"having
another Emily?"

And Emily said, "Nah, it's
just a wimey couch button."

- Hey, Dick.

I just went on a new
diet where you eat

all the food you
want, all the time.

- Huh and you lose
weight that way?

- No but it's an
easy diet to stick to.

- The population explosion
may lead to crowded conditions

and shortage of food
but I know one group

who won't be affected,
the people in the ghettos.

(audience laughing)

- Every morning I wake up
and touch my shoes 25 times.

- [Dan] No slower.

- Then I get out of
bed and put them on.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, if you want to
wake up in the morning

with a smile on your face,

go to bed at night with a
coat hanger in your mouth.

- I know a girl who has
a million dollar figure.

- [Dan] You don't say.

- But the top
half is counterfeit.

(laughing)

- I know a man

who is so important

that he has an oddly said

zip code.

- I know a girl who's so skinny

she has to put her
bra on with silly putty.

- I saw Red Skelton
perform at the White House

and I don't know
who got most laughs,

Red in the old man routine

or the policemen in
their new white blouses.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)

- One, two, three.

- Excuse me miss,
is this rack for sale?

- Yes sir, this entire
rack is for sale.

- Oh fine, thank you.

(thump)

(audience applauding)

- What an audience.

What a night.

You want me, don't you.

You want me.

Let's hear those
hammers out there.

Let's hear it.

I love you.

I don't know what to say.

- How about goodnight.

- The preceding program
was recorded earlier,

so the producer and cast
didn't have to walk home

in the dark.

- Very interesting but stupid.

- Wolfgang, did I miss anything?

- Einhalt you did but
that Ferd Berfel didn't.

- You get any news
from the enemy line?

- Yeah Max Dillon had
a couple of lines tonight

that's about it, just a couple.

They don't let him say too much.

He's not too bright, you know.

(laughing)

- Listen Wolfgang, rumor
has it that Doc and Ms. Kitty

were seen at the Long
Branch Saloon doing the Farkel.

(gasp)

- What a scandal.

You better go
back to the bunker,

tell the rest of the guys.

- I am the rest of the guys.

- Yeah but I.

Oh, goodnight Lucy.

You're my favorite Farkel

and as for you Gary I would.

- Your act was so bad
Gary I wouldn't even steal it.

- Yeah but I would.

- Goodnight and God bless.

- Yeah but I would.

- The Burbank audience
is still the greatest audience

in the world.

- Yeah but I.

- Sammy Spear and his orchestra.

- It's the worst
booking since D Day.

Get out of my bush Berle.

(clapping)