Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 26 - Episode #3.26 - full transcript
The wedding of Tyrone and Gladys arrives and Carol Channing gives the bride away. She also sings with Teresa Graves, plays the maid hired to help the Farkle Family, and dances the news theme with the girls.
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Carol Channing,
well, boy, are we glad
to have you on the show, I
mean, tonight of all nights.
- Yessiree.
You know tonight is the
wedding of Tyrone and Gladys.
- Oh, yes, of course I knew.
You know, Gladys asked
me to be her Maid of Honor.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Oh, yes, and now
I'll tell you something
I bet you didn't know.
- What's that?
- Well, the wedding
of Gladys and Tyrone
is going to be covered
by a national magazine.
- Is that so?
- Which magazine?
- The American Medical Journal.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I can hardly wait
to see the centerfold.
- Now, hello, Western Union?
I'd like to send a telegram
to Miss Gladys Ormphby.
4451 Lakeside Drive, Burbank.
Dear Miss Ormphby,
(mumbling laugh).
Sincerely yours,
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
- Henry, who's gonna
be Tyrone's best man?
- Almost anybody.
- Tiny Tim made
it, so can Tyrone.
- I know why I
didn't get the job,
it's because I'm Jewish!
(audience laughing)
- Funny, he didn't look Jewish.
- Hey, you guys, after
we bury the treasure,
let's return to Barbados
and carry off the village
and plunder the women,
or was it plunder the treasure
and carry off the, I don't know.
(gunshot)
(moaning)
- Argh, now let's
see where we were.
I have it, after we
bury the treasure,
we'll burn the cattle
and kidnap the plunder.
- Now you're talking,
Captain Yarnmole.
- You're also stupid, Epstein.
(gunshot) (audience laughing)
- I'm with you, Captain.
- Shut up, Schwartz.
(gunshot)
Forgive me for what I have done.
- Goldie, did you
hear that the picture,
Bob, Carol, Ted, and
Alice was so popular
that they're making
a jungle version of it
and they're gonna call it
Cheetah, Simba, Jane, and Sabu?
- No, I didn't hear that.
- Well, I just told it to you.
- Well, now, that's
where I just heard it.
That's where I heard it.
- Ah, forget it, will ya?
(audience laughing)
- And now, from somewhere
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC once more tries to prevent
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring Big Dan Rowan
and Big Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Little Carol Channing,
who tonight will be
played by Pearl Bailey.
And Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, and Burbank's
Mouth of the Month,
Jo Anne Worley.
Also, Toni Seagraves,
Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Stu Gilliam,
and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this timely message,
it's 8:03. (audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Peter, I understand the
name of your new picture
is the magic Christian.
- Yes, Dan, but in
Israel it will be known as
the Tricky Goy.
- Whenever the
talk turns to the great
comedians of our time,
the names of Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin are
inevitably mentioned,
by Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Now, here they are,
the evitable, Dan Rowan,
and the unmentionable,
Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- I understand you type it, boy.
- A little control.
- Yes, just try to hold, I
know you're all excited tonight.
This is the night,
boy, tonight's the night.
- Yeah, isn't every night?
- Oh, no, come on
now, you ding-dong.
I mean tonight's
the night that Tyrone
is gonna have the
big wedding, huh?
- Yeah, he's all set, boy.
- I don't know,
he's not as young
as he used to be.
- He is now.
(audience laughing)
- Been giving him
a few pointers, huh?
- Better than that, I put
him on my special diet.
No meat, no seafood.
- You've become a vegetarian?
- I see no reason to
bring religion into this.
- No, no, what do you eat?
- Health foods, herbs, seeds.
- Seeds?
- Very good for the hair.
- Seeds are good for the hair?
- Have you ever
seen a bald bird?
(audience laughing)
Think back.
- No, I was trying to.
Last Thursday.
- Thursday, oh, they've been
extinct since then, though.
- I'm really not surprised
at you and health food
but how'd you ever
talk Tyrone into it?
- Well, I didn't, Erma did.
- Who's Erma?
- Well, she's the topless
waitress at the health bar.
- I see.
- Yeah, so does
everybody else, really.
- Well, that explains how you...
- Gotta see her
pass the carrots.
- So that's how you got
Tyrone interested, he said?
- Well, now, wait a minute,
don't forget, health food
does wonders for you.
Why, there's an
old Swiss billringer.
- A Swiss billringer?
- No, bellringer.
There's a billringer
but he has nothing to do
with this story.
Yes, there's an
old Swiss bellringer
still going strong at 154.
- 154?
- Lives on nothing
but goat's milk.
- Goat's milk?
- That's all, he still rings
them chimes, though.
- That's amazing,
what you just said.
- What's amazing?
- That he can still
ring his chimes at 154.
- Funny, his girlfriend
says the same thing.
- He's got girlfriends?
- Well, shh, if his
wife ever finds out,
she'll be a dead duck.
- Boy, that goat's milk
must be something else.
- Tyrone's up to
about 12 quarts a day.
- I'm not surprised.
- I think Gladys will be.
(laughing)
- You really think so, huh?
- Well, we made Tyrone
a new man, you know?
Of course, after
looking at Gladys,
maybe we should have
made him a new girl.
- Perhaps, well,
whatever you say,
but right now it's
time for the quickies.
- Oh, good, I'll call Tyrone.
(squeaking)
- Peter Sellers, give
me one good reason
why you would make a
movie with 80 topless ladies.
- One good reason,
I can give you 160.
- How would you like a
little kiss on the mouth?
- No thanks, I've just had 80.
- Did you know that they're
going to legalize homosexuals?
- Oh, no, now that means
I've gotta take mine down
for a collar, a
license, and shots.
- Woo!
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Hermione?
- Hmm?
- What time is it?
- Time?
It's 11:30 tomorrow morning.
- Feels later.
- When Gladys gets
married, she says that
she wants to
have a large family.
Tyrone said sure,
invite anybody you want.
(squeaking)
(cymbals crashing)
- Sir, are you sure
you're made out of soap?
- We'd like two
tickets to New York.
- Sleeping accommodations?
- Yeah, I'll have an upper.
- And I'll have a downer.
- Speaking of uppers
and downers reminds me
of a story they tell
down at the teeter-totters,
right next to the swingers.
(audience laughing)
It's a goody.
- What does he
know about a goody?
A real goody is when
you get a whole bunch
(speaking in foreign
language) and you cover it
all up with cimarellies
and then you throw
some sour creamer
on it and you let it
run around topless.
(audience laughing)
Very interesting.
But much too ethnic, I find.
(squeaking)
- Do you happen
to have a cigarette?
- Well.
- Thank you.
Did you ever read this?
Cigarette smoking may
be hazardous to your health.
- Well, of course
I've read that.
- You shouldn't smoke, you know?
- Attorney General Mitchell says
the Ripon Society is a
bunch of juvenile delinquents.
- Aren't they the
Young Republicans?
- No, I think now they're
all Young Democrats.
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
- Here is today's hint
for those of you attending
a costume party.
Dress yourself as a
crazed stalk of celery
and go as the wild bunch.
- Carol, do your
really think Nixon spent
all that money?
- All what money?
- See, it's gone already.
(audience laughing)
- Most brides to be
have hope chests.
Gladys has chest hopes.
- The superstition of not
walking under a ladder
began in the year 3000 BC.
In 3000 BC there were
no ladders and people just
got used to it.
- Schwartz.
(lively riff)
- Whoopee.
(audience laughing)
(lively riff)
- Nuptials.
- And now, once
again, it's time,
once again, for
Just Plain Farkle.
Chapter F, entitled, the
Farkle Family Takes a Vacation.
We hear Frank Farkle say...
- So the Farkle family
takes a vacation.
- That's right, Ferd.
- We're off, precipitously,
to Pike's Peak.
- Pike's Peak's a
perfect place to pass
a period of pleasure pleasantly.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah, that must
be the housekeeper we hired
to help at home, Helga Hegle.
- Helga Hegle here at
the housekeeper hired
to help at home.
- Frank Farkle, here,
head of the house.
Howdy, Helga.
- I'm Fanny
Farkle, hello, Hilda.
- Helga.
- Mark Farkle, how are ya, Olga?
- Hilda.
- And we're the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkle.
- How's it going, Wanda?
- Olga.
- And me, Prince, and
he's my older brother.
- Fred, hi, Gilga.
- Wanda.
- And her.
- Hi!
- Flicka Farkle,
hi, Hilda.
- Gilda.
- And me, I'm their good
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berfle, glad to
meet all of you, Helga.
- At least you know
what you are doing.
- I'd say so.
- Okay, let's all go.
- And while we're gone,
you can count on Ferd, here,
for anything you need.
- Anything.
- Well, Mr. Berfle...
- Call me Ferd.
- Ferd, please answer
for me one question.
How come all the
Farkle children...
- They certainly do.
- Tune in next week when
we hear what's her name
ask Ferd... - But why?
- That's a mighty fine question,
you've got there, Helga.
- And tune in much later to
hear Ferd's mighty fine answer.
- Farkle.
- Okay, but you shoot
old blue?
- Mighty fine reading
you had there.
- Remember, friends, this
is National Berfle Week,
so take a Farkle to lunch.
- The whole Farkle
family favors fjords,
but Ferd fancies
his fabulous falcon.
- In my country, we
stamp out Farkles.
(gunshot)
(frogs croaking)
- Have you ever
given anybody warts?
- No, but I told a lady
once she was pregnant.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Channing, do
you think you could teach
me to look as
charming as you do?
- Oh, why, I'd be
delighted, Gladys.
First, you open
your eyes real wide,
like this.
And then you, then, that's fine,
then you smile
real wide, like this.
That's it.
And now you move your
head back and forth like this.
(laughing)
Wonderful.
Now, you just look beautiful.
- Oh, darn, I knew
there'd be a catch
to it somewhere.
- Tony Curtis,
you played Houdini
in a movie, didn't you?
- Yes, magic has always
been a favorite hobby of mine.
- Uh-Huh, well, let's
go up to my place
and we'll see what you
can pull out of your hat, huh?
A bunny, a fox?
Maybe a mink?
- You oughta come over
and see my apartment.
You know, I just
had it decorated?
- Oh really, boy, that
can cost a lot of money.
What did the guy charge you?
- Oh, well, I had a lady do it.
- That figures.
She make a lot of changes?
- Well, the first change she
made was into something
more comfortable.
- I'm talking about
the apartment.
Did she make a lot of
changes in the apartment?
- Well, she changed that too.
You know, the rumpus
room now has room
for a rumper and a rumpee.
- Oh, that's not as
rumpus room, you doo-doo.
- Oh, yeah, well, pick a
rumper from one to 10.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- Well, you know,
speaking of great rumpers,
the party's starting,
folks, and you're all
invited to the rumpus room.
We don't have a
rumper and a rumpee.
(audience applauding)
(groovy dance music)
- The networks are on
a campaign to stamp out
sex and violence.
So far NBC has fired
four vice-presidents.
Now I wonder what they're
gonna do about violence?
(audience laughing)
- Boris is so sentimental,
he wanted a memento
of our love.
So he had the backseat
of his car bronzed.
(audience laughing)
- I've stopped saying
"love thy neighbor"
since the restaurant
next door went topless.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Little Jo,
how'd you like to
come up to my place?
- Well, if I do come
up to your place,
how will it look?
- Oh, a little messy, but
we could tidy it up later.
(audience laughing)
- There seems to be a new motto
down at the police station:
put a panther in
your tank and let it rip.
(audience laughing)
- Carol, my little cupcake.
I hear they're
making a new movie
about love life in
a hippy commune.
- Oh, well now
that's interesting.
What are they gonna call it?
- They're gonna call it Bob
and Carol and Ted and Alice
and John and Barbara
and Tim and Marcie,
Steve and Stacey, Eugene
and Gertrude, and Bruce.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, did you read about
Governor Kirk down in Florida?
Says he would
rather go to prison
than accept school integration.
Now, I wonder what
he'll do when he finds out
that the prisons are
already integrated?
(audience laughing)
- This inflation is awful.
Do you realize how
much it costs today
just to look cheap?
(audience laughing)
- You know, I don't
understand it about your
singles apartments.
They sound so painful.
Every time I pass
one, I hear (moaning).
I didn't know you were
allowed to keep animals.
(audience laughing)
- I have decided to
support the President's fight
against inflation and not
be quite so extravagant.
So tomorrow I'm having installed
in the servants'
quarters a pay john.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I was supposed
to do a nude love scene
at the studio yesterday,
but I just couldn't make it.
Probably too many rehearsals.
(audience laughing)
- I just heard a rumor
that Frank Sinatra
has a new agent.
- William Morris?
- J. Edgar Hoover.
(audience laughing)
- Carol, I wouldn't go
around saying things like that,
I if I were you.
- All right, I won't.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- You lose.
- Okay, come on.
- Hey, wait a minute!
- It is written that he who
stains the sands of time,
drinks nectar from
his cup too hastily.
Think of it.
- And now another
Laugh In fable.
- A slender reed
growing near a huge
oak tree said, "I
don't fear the wind
"because I bend
before each breeze,
"but you, who are
unyielding, may one day
"be blown over."
And that very night
there was a gale
and sure enough, the great
oak came crashing down
right on top of
the slender reed.
(audience laughing)
(snapping and humming)
- Hey, Theresa, am I together?
- Well, listen,
you're almost there,
but Carol, with your
attitude and the do,
the natural, you're
two-thirds of the way there.
Don't worry about it.
- Two-thirds, I thought
I was only halfway.
Things are looking up.
- Hit it, Russ.
I wanna be like a
soul sister Yes, I do
Well, do it to it, do it to it
I wanna be like a soul sister
That's my trip When I let it rip
I wanna learn everything I can
Well, first you'd better
Get yourself a heavy tan
Then we'll proceed
with that funky plan
To be a sister
with a lot of soul
Sisters with a lot of soul Hey
I wanna talk like a soul sister
Now, what I say
You know, you
sound like Ray Charles
We sound like a soul
sister Cool and sweet
Well, not just
repeat Lay it on me
Lay it on ya
Ah, whip it to me, whip it to me
Whip it to ya, whip it to ya
Right on, brother
Right on, brother
Can you dig it Well, I'm trying
Different strokes
for different folks
When your a sister
with a lot of soul
Carol, you are doing good
Theresa, take me
to your neighborhood
Mmm, meet some folks
who've never known ya
Change my name to Louvie Begonia
I wanna move like a
soul sister, left and right
Well, now that's outta sight
We're gonna prove
you're a soul sister
Could it be Well, now follow me
Hey, uh-uh-uh
All right Just a sister
with a lot of soul
Opposite as day and night
But it's a groovy blend
of black and white
Theresa, let's get
a soul food dinner
Carol, you are a definite winner
We are a couple of soul sisters
Yes, we are Ah,
see it, see it, see it
Ain't woulda guessed
we'd be soul sisters
Yes, indeed, what we need
It is longer you just in time
Chocolate and vanilla
make a great dessert
Let's tell the world
that it wouldn't hurt
To be a sister
with a lot of soul
Sister with a lot
of soul Soul sisters
With a lot of soul
Hey, hey, baby
Get it on Uh-Huh
- Heavy number.
- Heavy. (audience applauding)
- Here's today's
hint for those of you
attending a costume party.
Dress yourself in a
suit of red underwear
and place a large piece
of cellophane over the top
and go as a thermometer.
- Tyrone told me the
orchestra for the wedding
was booked yesterday.
But they should be
released in time to play.
(audience laughing)
(fast, upbeat music)
- [Announcer] At last, a
cigarette for the six of you.
(machine gunshots)
- Farkle?
- If you insist, Wanda.
- Helga.
- Okay, but only
'til I need glasses.
- I've Got the Plan,
by Henry Gibson.
Now here's my plan.
Make a list of the 10
most important things.
Every other day,
read it out loud.
On the day that
you don't, don't.
On the last day, rewrite it.
Then, do something.
(audience laughing)
- Tyrone needs someone
to have and to hold,
otherwise, he'd fall down.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Mildred, my
darling, you know
you're everything to me I...
- Bon soir, may I
take your order?
Monsieur, Madame?
Mildred, who is this guy?
I thought you were my girl?
- Excuse me,
just a little water.
Mildred, Mildred, what
are you doing here?
You told me you were
sick in bed with the flu.
- Do you know him?
(men talking over each other)
- Mildred!
- Do you know the
little guy with violin?
- Good heavens,
what does this mean?
I thought you were my girl!
- No, you cad, she is mine.
- Are you crazy, she's mine!
- Break it up, break it up.
Hold it, all right,
who started this?
- [Restaurant Workers] She did!
- All right, Miss, I'd
just like, Mildred?
So this is why you said
you couldn't meet me later.
Some girlfriend you are.
(men yelling over each other)
Hold it, wait a minute.
Mildred, this is too
much, you're gonna have
to make up your
mind once and for all.
Who's girlfriend are you?
- Well, all right,
you're absolutely right.
But before I make an
important decision like that
I think I should talk it
over with my husband.
(musical riff)
- Connubial.
I've gotta step
That's kind of hip
And so nice My dancing feet
Are not complete
'Til they do it once or twice
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse youse
We just love To
give you our views
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauding)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to
whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news.
Here's Tacky.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
(jazzy orchestral music)
- Ha, I gotcha, Ian!
Dateline, Washington.
A new medicine that
controls the problems
of aging was tested
this week on 100 people
over 70 and on two of them,
the drug acted as a
powerful aphrodisiac.
Research will be completed
as soon as scientists
can get the happy
couple out of the tree.
(audience laughing)
That conjures up
a picture, doesn't it?
Tupelo, Mississippi, the
Civil Rights Movement
took a turn today as
Mr. Mark C. Warren
became the first negro
to move his mobile home
into an all white trailer park.
As he watched the other
residents towing away
their trailers, Mr. Warren
was heard to say,
"Well, there go
the neighborhood."
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie.
- Now, with the news
of the future is wild
and wonderful, Dan Rowan.
- Goldie, that was perfect.
- Nothing to it, Dan, I've
been doing it for years.
- Shape up, Dan, you're on.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- I tell ya, put the top up
on that convertible, Goldie.
Washington, DC,
1990, 20 years from now,
the United States Maritime
Commission announced
today that work has just
been completed on the
world's cheapest lighthouse.
Costing a total of only $3.49,
it consists of a giant
wick stuck in the ocean
off Santa Barbara, California.
(audience laughing)
Santa Barbara, California, 1990,
20 years from now, this
city's Parks Department
announced it must now
charge admission for use
of its beach.
The daily price will be
$2.00, payable in cash,
or charged on your
Union Oil credit card.
(audience laughing)
Sorry, Fred.
- And now, Laugh In News,
couching your language carefully
takes you back to the
boyhood days of the father
of modern psychiatry.
- Mrs. Freud, we
are all very worried
about your son, Sigmund.
For the last six months
he's been getting
straight A's in sex education.
- So, what's wrong with that?
- We don't teach it here.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
Ruth Buzzi here,
abuzz with a few crumbs
from the Hollywood
wedding cake. (chuckles)
Item, glamour boy,
Irving Lisad denies rumors
of a knock down, drag
out fight with his wife,
declaring that he got
those bruises when he
accidentally walked
into a door, (chuckles)
18 times.
(audience laughing)
This is Ruth Buzzi,
your tiny tattler
from Tinseltown
saying, kissy-kissy.
Bye, from Buzzi.
La-di-da Ladies and gents
Laugh In's look at the news
- Here is today's
hint for those of you
attending a costume party.
Simply cut a hole in
the top of the radiator
of your automobile,
spray your head silver
and go as a 1943 hood ornament.
- Good evening, my
name is Ruth Frockmoore.
One day I was blowing
the fluff off a pierced egg
and the egg emitted
a musical note.
(whistling)
So I formed this little group
to play egg concerts.
This is Harold, he
plays the crow's egg.
This is Cynthia, she has
two Icelandic gulls eggs.
And here's Hank, the
leader of the room section.
Hank plays the owl's egg.
And I play an egg recently taken
from the nest of the
great American favorite,
the robin redbreast.
(audience laughing)
- The eagle.
- Robin redbreast.
- The eagle.
- Robin redbreast.
And now one of my
own compositions,
based on the mating
call of the robin redbreast,
titled, The Robin Redbreast.
(mouthing eagle)
(loud screeching)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- I told you it was the eagle.
(feet marching)
(musical riff)
- Hormones.
Bed.
That's a twin bed, bed, bed.
A king size bed, bed.
- On this date in
history in 1584,
Anne Boleyn called
King Henry VIII,
"A fat, icky creep."
- Ladies and
gentlemen, here they are,
Mr. And Mrs. First Nighter.
(audience applauding)
(Pop Goes the Weasel music)
(rotary phone dialing)
(sniffs)
- A gracious good morning.
Have I reached the party to whom
I am speaking?
Operator 247?
247, this is Ernestine Tomlin,
Miss Tomlin to you.
247, your headset is in a sling.
(snorts)
According to your
service record,
you sent a repairman
to 414 Frigby Drive
before the customer's
5th letter of complaint.
I am fully aware that
it was a fire station,
that is irrelevant.
The phone company's
policies are far more important
than some dumb
disaster. (snorts)
Now then, 247,
according to our records,
did you or did
you not actually tell
another customer
that the repairman
would be there
Wednesday morning?
Wednesday morning, 247.
According to your
operator's manual,
you are instructed
to give a month only,
no day, no date, no time.
They're much more
appreciative if they've
stayed home November
to wait. (snorts)
Now then, hello?
Hello?
(rotary phone dialing)
- Once again, it's time for the
Wonderful World of Whoopee.
- Whoopee!
- Not yet, you ding-dong,
I haven't told you
who gets the award yet.
- Well, tell me, I'm
bursting to whoopee.
- I'm gonna tell you, it goes to
Pacific Lighting Service
Company of Los Angeles,
or the gas company, as
it's sometimes referred to.
- The gas company?
What wonderful thing
has the gas company done
to further the cause
of the common man?
- Well, they're trying to
combat the smog problem
with their trucks.
- Oh, they're carting the
stuff away in the truckloads.
- No, no, no.
- They're going to park
their truck and walk to work?
- No, no, no.
- Run to work?
- No, no, they're
converting their entire fleet
of delivery trucks
to run on natural gas,
which burns 90% cleaner
than regular gasoline.
- But won't it take
10 or 15 years,
like the automobile
people claim?
- Au contraire, they expect
to have their entire fleet
converted by the middle of 1970.
- That's this year.
- Oh, well said.
- Thank you.
- This year over 1,000
smog free gas company trucks
will be on the road.
- Well, it may be a
small jet for trucks,
but a giant breath for mankind.
- Why, you little
ole' phrase maker.
So to you, Pacific
Lighting Service Company,
for helping to
fight air pollution,
we give you our Whoopee award.
- Yes, and next time
you read our meter,
we'll run out and say...
- [Both] Whoopee!
(audience applauding)
- Tune in again next week folks,
when the Wonderful
Whoopee Award goes
to the citizens of
Crystal City, Texas,
for finally agreeing at last
to treat the 2,450
Mexican American students
on an equal basis with
the 375 Anglo students,
which shows you how
generous you can be
when you're
outnumbered six to one.
Whoopee!
(musical riff)
- And now, as part of
the educational section
of our program,
here's Goldie Hawn,
who will explain to
you what it means
when you hear the term
this show is prerecorded.
- If this show were
live, I'd be standing here
talking to you now, but I'm not.
I'm here weeks ago.
That means that this
show is done a long time
before I do it in front of you.
As a matter of fact, I should
be in Pittsburgh right now.
I could be, except it's too cold
and anyway, I'm home.
But I can't and you can't see me
because I'm here.
I thank you.
Actually, I'm not
thanking you now
but a long time ago.
So I should say thank you,
I've thanked you.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
- And if children
are being tastelessly
affected by those old movies.
What, indeed, is the effect
of all these new movies
on adults, don't you see?
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(jazzy music)
(grunting)
- Good night, dear.
- Good night.
Oh, you're clumsy.
- Boy, I'm really tired.
- Me too.
- Apres-Vous.
- I certainly enjoyed
that movie, sweetheart.
- Yes, lucky we
had reservations.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, sorry.
(groaning)
- Nothing like a good
snack before bed.
- Did you turn out
the kitchen light?
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
- Honey, I don't
want to say anything,
but I'm really
getting sick and tired
of your family
staying here with us.
- My family?
I thought they were your family!
- How do, my name is
Carol, Carol Channing.
Yeah, well, every December 25th,
I get together
with Carol Burnett,
Carol Baker, and Carol Linley,
and we go out and
sing Christmas Shirleys.
- Did you get Gladys
a wedding present?
- Well, Ruth, what do you give
a girl who needs everything?
- Right. (laughing)
- Did you get the stuff?
- Far out, look.
- Oh, groovy.
- Psychedelic.
- Where are we
gonna hide this stuff,
so if the fuzz shows
up, we don't get busted?
- I got the
perfect, I'll hide it
behind the refrigerator.
- No, no, that's the
first place they look.
In the bread drawer,
they never look there.
- In the bread drawer, far out.
- Come on, groovy.
(knocking on door)
- Far out.
- All right, open up.
Officer Barva, narcotics squad.
Never mind the fridge.
They never hide it in there.
Go in for the bread drawer.
(audience laughing)
- Far out.
- There's the pot.
(musical riff)
- Oysters.
Nerves.
- Where can Gladys and Tyrone go
for a nice, quiet honeymoon?
- Almost anywhere.
(car screeching and crashing)
- Whiplash.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Peter Sellers,
we're so happy
that you're here
tonight with us now.
- Oh, thank you, Goldie.
Thank you, and I bring
greetings from my queen.
Prince Philip's wife
also sends her regards.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're adorable and cute
and everything, but
you're really dumb,
D-U-M.
- Interesting,
she can spell too.
(audience laughing)
- I'm your fairy godmother.
Now listen here, I've
turned the mice into horses,
the pumpkins into a coach,
your rags into a
beautiful dress.
And now you
shall go to the ball.
- I got a feeling you
wanted my sister.
- Nonetheless, you're
going to the ball.
- Okay, but if that
Prince Charming
tries any whoopee with me,
I'll shoot him a
gotcha he won't forget.
(audience laughing)
- Your pumpkin is ready.
- Where?
- There.
Gotcha! (screams)
You hairy beauty.
- Elliot, by beloved husband.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Wax,
try to control yourself.
- Sorry, Elliot, this is it.
- No!
- Something's wrong,
this thing seems to be broken.
- Oh, well, here let
me take a look at that.
A lady can fix
anything with a hairpin.
There, that oughta do it.
(crying)
Oh no.
(electric buzzing)
- Get away from his foot, lady.
(audience laughing)
- Kitty.
- Matt.
- Doc.
- Matt.
- Festus.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Kitty, Doc, Festus.
Matt.
- Jesse.
(gunshots)
Doc.
- Doc!
- Kitty.
- Festus.
(groaning)
Doc?
- Matt?
- Festus.
- Kitty.
- Kitty.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, we gotta get
going to Tyrone's wedding,
after all, don't forget,
you're the best man.
- I know, but don't
let Tyrone know,
it'll break his heart.
- Now, let's see,
Gladys, you'll need
something old, something new,
something borrowed,
and something blue.
- Well, my
engagement ring is new.
My veil is borrowed.
My flowers are blue.
And something old
is waiting out there
to marry me.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Tyrone, here's your suit.
The best garment money can rent.
Come on, let's start
getting it on here.
- Seems almost
a waste of effort.
- You, sir, have the taste
of a case of castor oil.
- Come on, Tyrone, we
haven't got much time.
We gotta start getting dressed.
Here, I'll help you
off with your coat.
- This is mine.
These garments I
wooed the tender violet,
in these garments I won her,
and in these garments,
I shall wed her.
- But Tyrone, the
wedding is formal.
- Formal, huh?
Well.
(audience laughing)
I hope I'm not overdressed.
- This is the most
important event of a girl's life.
The eve of her
wedding, when a girl must
give up that which
she prizes so dearly.
- Oh, you're so right.
- And since I must give it up,
I want you to have it.
(audience laughing)
- Me?
- Yes, take it and swing
it in the best of health.
- Well, there it is.
- This is it.
(Tyrone laughs)
- Never fear,
forward with courage
and conviction and deep emotion
onto the, oh.
- Come on.
Let's take the happy
groom in there, huh?
Everyday I am wanting you
Every night I am
longing to Hold you close
To my tender breast
- Doesn't Gladys look beautiful?
- Well, I've never seen
Tyrone look more radiant.
Dream a dream But I cling to me
And that you may hear
me Dreams I've had
For whenever I wake
I never find you near me
Wanting you
Nothing else in
this world will do
In this world you
are all That I adore
All
I
Adore
(audience applauding)
- It just makes you wanna cry.
(doors slamming)
- Gee, their first fight.
- Oh, it's still one of
Hollywood's longer marriages.
(loud crying)
- I know you must hate me.
And I don't blame you.
- Hate you?
Miss Ormphby, let me explain,
as I walked down the aisle,
my entire life of
scandalous behavior
flashed before my eyes.
I am a swinish cad who
toyed with your affections.
- Tyrone, you needn't
try to spare me.
All my life I knew
I was born to be
a heartbreaker.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Ormphby,
I'm no good for you.
- There are certain
fascinating women
and we are just not
made for marriage.
(audience laughing)
- Now, what I
did, I did for you.
- Then you forgive me?
- What is there to forgive?
I am the offender.
- Oh, oh, no,
Tyrone, I am guilty.
I walked out on you.
- Oh, quite the
contrary, my dear,
it was I who left
you at the altar.
- No, no, it was me.
- Do you mean that you...
- Do you mean that you...
- [Both] Walked out too?
(laughing)
- You nutty girl, you.
Perhaps it is better this way.
- Are we friends?
- Of course.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- My dear, perhaps
it might prove
of some interest to point out
that the honeymoon
suite is all paid for.
- So?
- Well, I mean,
considering it's availability
and the sin of wastefulness,
we might avail
ourselves of the facilities
for a little weekend
of possibly...
(audience laughing)
Well, to imbibe a
bit of the bubbly?
A moment or two for a fast
nibble on an hors d'oeuvre?
(audience laughing)
My dear, you've just made me
the happiest man in the world.
Dum, dum, my nose is bleeding
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Miss Channing,
what a lovely hairdo.
Who does your hair?
- Oh, Mr. Kenneth, Tiny.
And that's quite a
hairdo you have, dear.
Now, who does yours?
- Mr. Ed.
(audience laughing)
- You know you're adorable.
I just wish you weren't married.
- Well, as they say
on Ticks Rider Show...
- Tex Raider?
- That about wraps
it up for tonight.
- Funny, Tyrone just
told me the same thing.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Isn't there anything
you'd like to interrupt with?
- No, goodnight, Dick.
- I mean, some little
anecdote or interjections
that you usually delay us with?
- No, goodnight,
Dan, say goodnight.
- I can't believe it,
surely, there must be
some small remark.
You wanna tell
me about your aunt.
- Say goodnight, Dan.
- A quip, a pleasantry,
perhaps a riddle?
- No, say goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Dan?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- While nothing much
is happening here,
I would like to wish
a happy anniversary
to Nancy and Harold
Wilson, thank you.
- I got myself an
unlisted phone number
because of obscene phone calls.
I still get obscene phone calls
but now they're from a
much nicer class of people.
(audience laughing)
- You know, the White
House says the end
of inflation is right
around the corner.
Unfortunately, the corner
is in downtown Saigon.
- Oh, I was in
there just thinking
how the Burbank scientists
are having so much
trouble growing food on
the bottom of the ocean.
- Why is that, Jo?
- Well, you know, their
plow horses keep drowning.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy, why did they
say Long John Silver
was a strange looking pirate?
- Because he had a
peg leg and a yardarm.
- I knew a girl who's so dumb,
she doesn't know
the difference between
the six dollar bill
and a real one.
- Is that so?
- Since Frank Sinatra
bought a beer brewery,
he's got the only
pool in Palm Springs
with a head on it.
And he's richer, but wiser.
- Hey, Dan, is
there such a thing
as a peach that's
fuzzy and white?
- No.
- Oh, no, I think I
just ate a tennis ball.
- Oh, I hope so.
- I went out with
a nest last night.
- [Man] Did you?
- Yes, maybe in a year or two,
they'll let me go without one.
- My old man asked me
if we could live
together for a year
and then find out whether
we'd made a mistake or not.
If we had, we'd split and
go our separate ways.
That's cool, all I
wanna know is,
who's gonna get
custody of the mistake?
- Goldie, hey, I
hear you're going
to a skydiving school, right?
- Right.
- Well, how many
successful jumps do you have
to make to graduate?
- All of them.
(audience laughing)
- Dope is a big
problem in America,
however, we just
keep on electing them.
- Do you know that
there's so much pollution
in our rivers, pretty
soon it won't be a miracle
to walk on the water?
(audience laughing)
(loud sneeze)
(motor whirring)
(loud splash)
(squeaking)
(whistle)
- Oh, Mr. Rowan,
I'd like to talk to you
as one married man to another.
- Another what?
- Portions of tonight's show
were not prerecorded.
All of tonight's show
was prerecorded.
- Very interesting,
but that tall blonde fella
had such a nutty expression.
(laughing)
Cuckoo, cuckoo.
- Would you care to
explain what you mean by
nutty expression?
- Well, you,
Fritz, you look like
you just swallowed a donkling.
And it got stuck.
Two donklings.
- Ah, but Wolfgang,
wasn't this an exciting evening?
All that singing and
dancing and laughing.
- (forced laughter)
I had more laughter
at Otto Preminger film festival.
- Ah, come on, Wolfgang,
let's go down to the beer hall
and have a little Schnapps
in the rumpus room.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I'll be the rumper
and you'll be the rumpee.
- Wolfie!
- And I'll be the wolfer!
Listen, my little (speaking
in foreign language),
I never fool around,
but in your case,
I'd be willing to
make an exception.
And as for you, Gary,
in your case,
somebody obviously did.
(speaking in foreign language)
See, now they're wearing
perfume in the trenches.
(audience laughing)
- Give me an L!
Give me an L!
Give me an L-A-U.
Give me a G!
Give me a G-U!
Give me a, what do you got?
(giggles) Yeah, Lagin!
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Carol Channing,
well, boy, are we glad
to have you on the show, I
mean, tonight of all nights.
- Yessiree.
You know tonight is the
wedding of Tyrone and Gladys.
- Oh, yes, of course I knew.
You know, Gladys asked
me to be her Maid of Honor.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Oh, yes, and now
I'll tell you something
I bet you didn't know.
- What's that?
- Well, the wedding
of Gladys and Tyrone
is going to be covered
by a national magazine.
- Is that so?
- Which magazine?
- The American Medical Journal.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I can hardly wait
to see the centerfold.
- Now, hello, Western Union?
I'd like to send a telegram
to Miss Gladys Ormphby.
4451 Lakeside Drive, Burbank.
Dear Miss Ormphby,
(mumbling laugh).
Sincerely yours,
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
- Henry, who's gonna
be Tyrone's best man?
- Almost anybody.
- Tiny Tim made
it, so can Tyrone.
- I know why I
didn't get the job,
it's because I'm Jewish!
(audience laughing)
- Funny, he didn't look Jewish.
- Hey, you guys, after
we bury the treasure,
let's return to Barbados
and carry off the village
and plunder the women,
or was it plunder the treasure
and carry off the, I don't know.
(gunshot)
(moaning)
- Argh, now let's
see where we were.
I have it, after we
bury the treasure,
we'll burn the cattle
and kidnap the plunder.
- Now you're talking,
Captain Yarnmole.
- You're also stupid, Epstein.
(gunshot) (audience laughing)
- I'm with you, Captain.
- Shut up, Schwartz.
(gunshot)
Forgive me for what I have done.
- Goldie, did you
hear that the picture,
Bob, Carol, Ted, and
Alice was so popular
that they're making
a jungle version of it
and they're gonna call it
Cheetah, Simba, Jane, and Sabu?
- No, I didn't hear that.
- Well, I just told it to you.
- Well, now, that's
where I just heard it.
That's where I heard it.
- Ah, forget it, will ya?
(audience laughing)
- And now, from somewhere
in beautiful downtown Burbank,
NBC once more tries to prevent
Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.
Starring Big Dan Rowan
and Big Dick Martin.
With special guest star,
Little Carol Channing,
who tonight will be
played by Pearl Bailey.
And Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, and Burbank's
Mouth of the Month,
Jo Anne Worley.
Also, Toni Seagraves,
Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Stu Gilliam,
and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this timely message,
it's 8:03. (audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Peter, I understand the
name of your new picture
is the magic Christian.
- Yes, Dan, but in
Israel it will be known as
the Tricky Goy.
- Whenever the
talk turns to the great
comedians of our time,
the names of Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin are
inevitably mentioned,
by Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
Now, here they are,
the evitable, Dan Rowan,
and the unmentionable,
Dick Martin.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- I understand you type it, boy.
- A little control.
- Yes, just try to hold, I
know you're all excited tonight.
This is the night,
boy, tonight's the night.
- Yeah, isn't every night?
- Oh, no, come on
now, you ding-dong.
I mean tonight's
the night that Tyrone
is gonna have the
big wedding, huh?
- Yeah, he's all set, boy.
- I don't know,
he's not as young
as he used to be.
- He is now.
(audience laughing)
- Been giving him
a few pointers, huh?
- Better than that, I put
him on my special diet.
No meat, no seafood.
- You've become a vegetarian?
- I see no reason to
bring religion into this.
- No, no, what do you eat?
- Health foods, herbs, seeds.
- Seeds?
- Very good for the hair.
- Seeds are good for the hair?
- Have you ever
seen a bald bird?
(audience laughing)
Think back.
- No, I was trying to.
Last Thursday.
- Thursday, oh, they've been
extinct since then, though.
- I'm really not surprised
at you and health food
but how'd you ever
talk Tyrone into it?
- Well, I didn't, Erma did.
- Who's Erma?
- Well, she's the topless
waitress at the health bar.
- I see.
- Yeah, so does
everybody else, really.
- Well, that explains how you...
- Gotta see her
pass the carrots.
- So that's how you got
Tyrone interested, he said?
- Well, now, wait a minute,
don't forget, health food
does wonders for you.
Why, there's an
old Swiss billringer.
- A Swiss billringer?
- No, bellringer.
There's a billringer
but he has nothing to do
with this story.
Yes, there's an
old Swiss bellringer
still going strong at 154.
- 154?
- Lives on nothing
but goat's milk.
- Goat's milk?
- That's all, he still rings
them chimes, though.
- That's amazing,
what you just said.
- What's amazing?
- That he can still
ring his chimes at 154.
- Funny, his girlfriend
says the same thing.
- He's got girlfriends?
- Well, shh, if his
wife ever finds out,
she'll be a dead duck.
- Boy, that goat's milk
must be something else.
- Tyrone's up to
about 12 quarts a day.
- I'm not surprised.
- I think Gladys will be.
(laughing)
- You really think so, huh?
- Well, we made Tyrone
a new man, you know?
Of course, after
looking at Gladys,
maybe we should have
made him a new girl.
- Perhaps, well,
whatever you say,
but right now it's
time for the quickies.
- Oh, good, I'll call Tyrone.
(squeaking)
- Peter Sellers, give
me one good reason
why you would make a
movie with 80 topless ladies.
- One good reason,
I can give you 160.
- How would you like a
little kiss on the mouth?
- No thanks, I've just had 80.
- Did you know that they're
going to legalize homosexuals?
- Oh, no, now that means
I've gotta take mine down
for a collar, a
license, and shots.
- Woo!
(squeaking)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Hermione?
- Hmm?
- What time is it?
- Time?
It's 11:30 tomorrow morning.
- Feels later.
- When Gladys gets
married, she says that
she wants to
have a large family.
Tyrone said sure,
invite anybody you want.
(squeaking)
(cymbals crashing)
- Sir, are you sure
you're made out of soap?
- We'd like two
tickets to New York.
- Sleeping accommodations?
- Yeah, I'll have an upper.
- And I'll have a downer.
- Speaking of uppers
and downers reminds me
of a story they tell
down at the teeter-totters,
right next to the swingers.
(audience laughing)
It's a goody.
- What does he
know about a goody?
A real goody is when
you get a whole bunch
(speaking in foreign
language) and you cover it
all up with cimarellies
and then you throw
some sour creamer
on it and you let it
run around topless.
(audience laughing)
Very interesting.
But much too ethnic, I find.
(squeaking)
- Do you happen
to have a cigarette?
- Well.
- Thank you.
Did you ever read this?
Cigarette smoking may
be hazardous to your health.
- Well, of course
I've read that.
- You shouldn't smoke, you know?
- Attorney General Mitchell says
the Ripon Society is a
bunch of juvenile delinquents.
- Aren't they the
Young Republicans?
- No, I think now they're
all Young Democrats.
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
- Here is today's hint
for those of you attending
a costume party.
Dress yourself as a
crazed stalk of celery
and go as the wild bunch.
- Carol, do your
really think Nixon spent
all that money?
- All what money?
- See, it's gone already.
(audience laughing)
- Most brides to be
have hope chests.
Gladys has chest hopes.
- The superstition of not
walking under a ladder
began in the year 3000 BC.
In 3000 BC there were
no ladders and people just
got used to it.
- Schwartz.
(lively riff)
- Whoopee.
(audience laughing)
(lively riff)
- Nuptials.
- And now, once
again, it's time,
once again, for
Just Plain Farkle.
Chapter F, entitled, the
Farkle Family Takes a Vacation.
We hear Frank Farkle say...
- So the Farkle family
takes a vacation.
- That's right, Ferd.
- We're off, precipitously,
to Pike's Peak.
- Pike's Peak's a
perfect place to pass
a period of pleasure pleasantly.
(doorbell rings)
- Ah, that must
be the housekeeper we hired
to help at home, Helga Hegle.
- Helga Hegle here at
the housekeeper hired
to help at home.
- Frank Farkle, here,
head of the house.
Howdy, Helga.
- I'm Fanny
Farkle, hello, Hilda.
- Helga.
- Mark Farkle, how are ya, Olga?
- Hilda.
- And we're the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkle.
- How's it going, Wanda?
- Olga.
- And me, Prince, and
he's my older brother.
- Fred, hi, Gilga.
- Wanda.
- And her.
- Hi!
- Flicka Farkle,
hi, Hilda.
- Gilda.
- And me, I'm their good
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berfle, glad to
meet all of you, Helga.
- At least you know
what you are doing.
- I'd say so.
- Okay, let's all go.
- And while we're gone,
you can count on Ferd, here,
for anything you need.
- Anything.
- Well, Mr. Berfle...
- Call me Ferd.
- Ferd, please answer
for me one question.
How come all the
Farkle children...
- They certainly do.
- Tune in next week when
we hear what's her name
ask Ferd... - But why?
- That's a mighty fine question,
you've got there, Helga.
- And tune in much later to
hear Ferd's mighty fine answer.
- Farkle.
- Okay, but you shoot
old blue?
- Mighty fine reading
you had there.
- Remember, friends, this
is National Berfle Week,
so take a Farkle to lunch.
- The whole Farkle
family favors fjords,
but Ferd fancies
his fabulous falcon.
- In my country, we
stamp out Farkles.
(gunshot)
(frogs croaking)
- Have you ever
given anybody warts?
- No, but I told a lady
once she was pregnant.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Channing, do
you think you could teach
me to look as
charming as you do?
- Oh, why, I'd be
delighted, Gladys.
First, you open
your eyes real wide,
like this.
And then you, then, that's fine,
then you smile
real wide, like this.
That's it.
And now you move your
head back and forth like this.
(laughing)
Wonderful.
Now, you just look beautiful.
- Oh, darn, I knew
there'd be a catch
to it somewhere.
- Tony Curtis,
you played Houdini
in a movie, didn't you?
- Yes, magic has always
been a favorite hobby of mine.
- Uh-Huh, well, let's
go up to my place
and we'll see what you
can pull out of your hat, huh?
A bunny, a fox?
Maybe a mink?
- You oughta come over
and see my apartment.
You know, I just
had it decorated?
- Oh really, boy, that
can cost a lot of money.
What did the guy charge you?
- Oh, well, I had a lady do it.
- That figures.
She make a lot of changes?
- Well, the first change she
made was into something
more comfortable.
- I'm talking about
the apartment.
Did she make a lot of
changes in the apartment?
- Well, she changed that too.
You know, the rumpus
room now has room
for a rumper and a rumpee.
- Oh, that's not as
rumpus room, you doo-doo.
- Oh, yeah, well, pick a
rumper from one to 10.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- Well, you know,
speaking of great rumpers,
the party's starting,
folks, and you're all
invited to the rumpus room.
We don't have a
rumper and a rumpee.
(audience applauding)
(groovy dance music)
- The networks are on
a campaign to stamp out
sex and violence.
So far NBC has fired
four vice-presidents.
Now I wonder what they're
gonna do about violence?
(audience laughing)
- Boris is so sentimental,
he wanted a memento
of our love.
So he had the backseat
of his car bronzed.
(audience laughing)
- I've stopped saying
"love thy neighbor"
since the restaurant
next door went topless.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Little Jo,
how'd you like to
come up to my place?
- Well, if I do come
up to your place,
how will it look?
- Oh, a little messy, but
we could tidy it up later.
(audience laughing)
- There seems to be a new motto
down at the police station:
put a panther in
your tank and let it rip.
(audience laughing)
- Carol, my little cupcake.
I hear they're
making a new movie
about love life in
a hippy commune.
- Oh, well now
that's interesting.
What are they gonna call it?
- They're gonna call it Bob
and Carol and Ted and Alice
and John and Barbara
and Tim and Marcie,
Steve and Stacey, Eugene
and Gertrude, and Bruce.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, did you read about
Governor Kirk down in Florida?
Says he would
rather go to prison
than accept school integration.
Now, I wonder what
he'll do when he finds out
that the prisons are
already integrated?
(audience laughing)
- This inflation is awful.
Do you realize how
much it costs today
just to look cheap?
(audience laughing)
- You know, I don't
understand it about your
singles apartments.
They sound so painful.
Every time I pass
one, I hear (moaning).
I didn't know you were
allowed to keep animals.
(audience laughing)
- I have decided to
support the President's fight
against inflation and not
be quite so extravagant.
So tomorrow I'm having installed
in the servants'
quarters a pay john.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I was supposed
to do a nude love scene
at the studio yesterday,
but I just couldn't make it.
Probably too many rehearsals.
(audience laughing)
- I just heard a rumor
that Frank Sinatra
has a new agent.
- William Morris?
- J. Edgar Hoover.
(audience laughing)
- Carol, I wouldn't go
around saying things like that,
I if I were you.
- All right, I won't.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- You lose.
- Okay, come on.
- Hey, wait a minute!
- It is written that he who
stains the sands of time,
drinks nectar from
his cup too hastily.
Think of it.
- And now another
Laugh In fable.
- A slender reed
growing near a huge
oak tree said, "I
don't fear the wind
"because I bend
before each breeze,
"but you, who are
unyielding, may one day
"be blown over."
And that very night
there was a gale
and sure enough, the great
oak came crashing down
right on top of
the slender reed.
(audience laughing)
(snapping and humming)
- Hey, Theresa, am I together?
- Well, listen,
you're almost there,
but Carol, with your
attitude and the do,
the natural, you're
two-thirds of the way there.
Don't worry about it.
- Two-thirds, I thought
I was only halfway.
Things are looking up.
- Hit it, Russ.
I wanna be like a
soul sister Yes, I do
Well, do it to it, do it to it
I wanna be like a soul sister
That's my trip When I let it rip
I wanna learn everything I can
Well, first you'd better
Get yourself a heavy tan
Then we'll proceed
with that funky plan
To be a sister
with a lot of soul
Sisters with a lot of soul Hey
I wanna talk like a soul sister
Now, what I say
You know, you
sound like Ray Charles
We sound like a soul
sister Cool and sweet
Well, not just
repeat Lay it on me
Lay it on ya
Ah, whip it to me, whip it to me
Whip it to ya, whip it to ya
Right on, brother
Right on, brother
Can you dig it Well, I'm trying
Different strokes
for different folks
When your a sister
with a lot of soul
Carol, you are doing good
Theresa, take me
to your neighborhood
Mmm, meet some folks
who've never known ya
Change my name to Louvie Begonia
I wanna move like a
soul sister, left and right
Well, now that's outta sight
We're gonna prove
you're a soul sister
Could it be Well, now follow me
Hey, uh-uh-uh
All right Just a sister
with a lot of soul
Opposite as day and night
But it's a groovy blend
of black and white
Theresa, let's get
a soul food dinner
Carol, you are a definite winner
We are a couple of soul sisters
Yes, we are Ah,
see it, see it, see it
Ain't woulda guessed
we'd be soul sisters
Yes, indeed, what we need
It is longer you just in time
Chocolate and vanilla
make a great dessert
Let's tell the world
that it wouldn't hurt
To be a sister
with a lot of soul
Sister with a lot
of soul Soul sisters
With a lot of soul
Hey, hey, baby
Get it on Uh-Huh
- Heavy number.
- Heavy. (audience applauding)
- Here's today's
hint for those of you
attending a costume party.
Dress yourself in a
suit of red underwear
and place a large piece
of cellophane over the top
and go as a thermometer.
- Tyrone told me the
orchestra for the wedding
was booked yesterday.
But they should be
released in time to play.
(audience laughing)
(fast, upbeat music)
- [Announcer] At last, a
cigarette for the six of you.
(machine gunshots)
- Farkle?
- If you insist, Wanda.
- Helga.
- Okay, but only
'til I need glasses.
- I've Got the Plan,
by Henry Gibson.
Now here's my plan.
Make a list of the 10
most important things.
Every other day,
read it out loud.
On the day that
you don't, don't.
On the last day, rewrite it.
Then, do something.
(audience laughing)
- Tyrone needs someone
to have and to hold,
otherwise, he'd fall down.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Mildred, my
darling, you know
you're everything to me I...
- Bon soir, may I
take your order?
Monsieur, Madame?
Mildred, who is this guy?
I thought you were my girl?
- Excuse me,
just a little water.
Mildred, Mildred, what
are you doing here?
You told me you were
sick in bed with the flu.
- Do you know him?
(men talking over each other)
- Mildred!
- Do you know the
little guy with violin?
- Good heavens,
what does this mean?
I thought you were my girl!
- No, you cad, she is mine.
- Are you crazy, she's mine!
- Break it up, break it up.
Hold it, all right,
who started this?
- [Restaurant Workers] She did!
- All right, Miss, I'd
just like, Mildred?
So this is why you said
you couldn't meet me later.
Some girlfriend you are.
(men yelling over each other)
Hold it, wait a minute.
Mildred, this is too
much, you're gonna have
to make up your
mind once and for all.
Who's girlfriend are you?
- Well, all right,
you're absolutely right.
But before I make an
important decision like that
I think I should talk it
over with my husband.
(musical riff)
- Connubial.
I've gotta step
That's kind of hip
And so nice My dancing feet
Are not complete
'Til they do it once or twice
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse youse
We just love To
give you our views
La-Da-Di-Da Ladies and gents
Laugh In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauding)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to
whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news.
Here's Tacky.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
(jazzy orchestral music)
- Ha, I gotcha, Ian!
Dateline, Washington.
A new medicine that
controls the problems
of aging was tested
this week on 100 people
over 70 and on two of them,
the drug acted as a
powerful aphrodisiac.
Research will be completed
as soon as scientists
can get the happy
couple out of the tree.
(audience laughing)
That conjures up
a picture, doesn't it?
Tupelo, Mississippi, the
Civil Rights Movement
took a turn today as
Mr. Mark C. Warren
became the first negro
to move his mobile home
into an all white trailer park.
As he watched the other
residents towing away
their trailers, Mr. Warren
was heard to say,
"Well, there go
the neighborhood."
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away, Goldie.
- Now, with the news
of the future is wild
and wonderful, Dan Rowan.
- Goldie, that was perfect.
- Nothing to it, Dan, I've
been doing it for years.
- Shape up, Dan, you're on.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- I tell ya, put the top up
on that convertible, Goldie.
Washington, DC,
1990, 20 years from now,
the United States Maritime
Commission announced
today that work has just
been completed on the
world's cheapest lighthouse.
Costing a total of only $3.49,
it consists of a giant
wick stuck in the ocean
off Santa Barbara, California.
(audience laughing)
Santa Barbara, California, 1990,
20 years from now, this
city's Parks Department
announced it must now
charge admission for use
of its beach.
The daily price will be
$2.00, payable in cash,
or charged on your
Union Oil credit card.
(audience laughing)
Sorry, Fred.
- And now, Laugh In News,
couching your language carefully
takes you back to the
boyhood days of the father
of modern psychiatry.
- Mrs. Freud, we
are all very worried
about your son, Sigmund.
For the last six months
he's been getting
straight A's in sex education.
- So, what's wrong with that?
- We don't teach it here.
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
Ruth Buzzi here,
abuzz with a few crumbs
from the Hollywood
wedding cake. (chuckles)
Item, glamour boy,
Irving Lisad denies rumors
of a knock down, drag
out fight with his wife,
declaring that he got
those bruises when he
accidentally walked
into a door, (chuckles)
18 times.
(audience laughing)
This is Ruth Buzzi,
your tiny tattler
from Tinseltown
saying, kissy-kissy.
Bye, from Buzzi.
La-di-da Ladies and gents
Laugh In's look at the news
- Here is today's
hint for those of you
attending a costume party.
Simply cut a hole in
the top of the radiator
of your automobile,
spray your head silver
and go as a 1943 hood ornament.
- Good evening, my
name is Ruth Frockmoore.
One day I was blowing
the fluff off a pierced egg
and the egg emitted
a musical note.
(whistling)
So I formed this little group
to play egg concerts.
This is Harold, he
plays the crow's egg.
This is Cynthia, she has
two Icelandic gulls eggs.
And here's Hank, the
leader of the room section.
Hank plays the owl's egg.
And I play an egg recently taken
from the nest of the
great American favorite,
the robin redbreast.
(audience laughing)
- The eagle.
- Robin redbreast.
- The eagle.
- Robin redbreast.
And now one of my
own compositions,
based on the mating
call of the robin redbreast,
titled, The Robin Redbreast.
(mouthing eagle)
(loud screeching)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- I told you it was the eagle.
(feet marching)
(musical riff)
- Hormones.
Bed.
That's a twin bed, bed, bed.
A king size bed, bed.
- On this date in
history in 1584,
Anne Boleyn called
King Henry VIII,
"A fat, icky creep."
- Ladies and
gentlemen, here they are,
Mr. And Mrs. First Nighter.
(audience applauding)
(Pop Goes the Weasel music)
(rotary phone dialing)
(sniffs)
- A gracious good morning.
Have I reached the party to whom
I am speaking?
Operator 247?
247, this is Ernestine Tomlin,
Miss Tomlin to you.
247, your headset is in a sling.
(snorts)
According to your
service record,
you sent a repairman
to 414 Frigby Drive
before the customer's
5th letter of complaint.
I am fully aware that
it was a fire station,
that is irrelevant.
The phone company's
policies are far more important
than some dumb
disaster. (snorts)
Now then, 247,
according to our records,
did you or did
you not actually tell
another customer
that the repairman
would be there
Wednesday morning?
Wednesday morning, 247.
According to your
operator's manual,
you are instructed
to give a month only,
no day, no date, no time.
They're much more
appreciative if they've
stayed home November
to wait. (snorts)
Now then, hello?
Hello?
(rotary phone dialing)
- Once again, it's time for the
Wonderful World of Whoopee.
- Whoopee!
- Not yet, you ding-dong,
I haven't told you
who gets the award yet.
- Well, tell me, I'm
bursting to whoopee.
- I'm gonna tell you, it goes to
Pacific Lighting Service
Company of Los Angeles,
or the gas company, as
it's sometimes referred to.
- The gas company?
What wonderful thing
has the gas company done
to further the cause
of the common man?
- Well, they're trying to
combat the smog problem
with their trucks.
- Oh, they're carting the
stuff away in the truckloads.
- No, no, no.
- They're going to park
their truck and walk to work?
- No, no, no.
- Run to work?
- No, no, they're
converting their entire fleet
of delivery trucks
to run on natural gas,
which burns 90% cleaner
than regular gasoline.
- But won't it take
10 or 15 years,
like the automobile
people claim?
- Au contraire, they expect
to have their entire fleet
converted by the middle of 1970.
- That's this year.
- Oh, well said.
- Thank you.
- This year over 1,000
smog free gas company trucks
will be on the road.
- Well, it may be a
small jet for trucks,
but a giant breath for mankind.
- Why, you little
ole' phrase maker.
So to you, Pacific
Lighting Service Company,
for helping to
fight air pollution,
we give you our Whoopee award.
- Yes, and next time
you read our meter,
we'll run out and say...
- [Both] Whoopee!
(audience applauding)
- Tune in again next week folks,
when the Wonderful
Whoopee Award goes
to the citizens of
Crystal City, Texas,
for finally agreeing at last
to treat the 2,450
Mexican American students
on an equal basis with
the 375 Anglo students,
which shows you how
generous you can be
when you're
outnumbered six to one.
Whoopee!
(musical riff)
- And now, as part of
the educational section
of our program,
here's Goldie Hawn,
who will explain to
you what it means
when you hear the term
this show is prerecorded.
- If this show were
live, I'd be standing here
talking to you now, but I'm not.
I'm here weeks ago.
That means that this
show is done a long time
before I do it in front of you.
As a matter of fact, I should
be in Pittsburgh right now.
I could be, except it's too cold
and anyway, I'm home.
But I can't and you can't see me
because I'm here.
I thank you.
Actually, I'm not
thanking you now
but a long time ago.
So I should say thank you,
I've thanked you.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
- And if children
are being tastelessly
affected by those old movies.
What, indeed, is the effect
of all these new movies
on adults, don't you see?
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(jazzy music)
(grunting)
- Good night, dear.
- Good night.
Oh, you're clumsy.
- Boy, I'm really tired.
- Me too.
- Apres-Vous.
- I certainly enjoyed
that movie, sweetheart.
- Yes, lucky we
had reservations.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, excuse me, sorry.
(groaning)
- Nothing like a good
snack before bed.
- Did you turn out
the kitchen light?
- Yeah.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
- Honey, I don't
want to say anything,
but I'm really
getting sick and tired
of your family
staying here with us.
- My family?
I thought they were your family!
- How do, my name is
Carol, Carol Channing.
Yeah, well, every December 25th,
I get together
with Carol Burnett,
Carol Baker, and Carol Linley,
and we go out and
sing Christmas Shirleys.
- Did you get Gladys
a wedding present?
- Well, Ruth, what do you give
a girl who needs everything?
- Right. (laughing)
- Did you get the stuff?
- Far out, look.
- Oh, groovy.
- Psychedelic.
- Where are we
gonna hide this stuff,
so if the fuzz shows
up, we don't get busted?
- I got the
perfect, I'll hide it
behind the refrigerator.
- No, no, that's the
first place they look.
In the bread drawer,
they never look there.
- In the bread drawer, far out.
- Come on, groovy.
(knocking on door)
- Far out.
- All right, open up.
Officer Barva, narcotics squad.
Never mind the fridge.
They never hide it in there.
Go in for the bread drawer.
(audience laughing)
- Far out.
- There's the pot.
(musical riff)
- Oysters.
Nerves.
- Where can Gladys and Tyrone go
for a nice, quiet honeymoon?
- Almost anywhere.
(car screeching and crashing)
- Whiplash.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Peter Sellers,
we're so happy
that you're here
tonight with us now.
- Oh, thank you, Goldie.
Thank you, and I bring
greetings from my queen.
Prince Philip's wife
also sends her regards.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, you're adorable and cute
and everything, but
you're really dumb,
D-U-M.
- Interesting,
she can spell too.
(audience laughing)
- I'm your fairy godmother.
Now listen here, I've
turned the mice into horses,
the pumpkins into a coach,
your rags into a
beautiful dress.
And now you
shall go to the ball.
- I got a feeling you
wanted my sister.
- Nonetheless, you're
going to the ball.
- Okay, but if that
Prince Charming
tries any whoopee with me,
I'll shoot him a
gotcha he won't forget.
(audience laughing)
- Your pumpkin is ready.
- Where?
- There.
Gotcha! (screams)
You hairy beauty.
- Elliot, by beloved husband.
- Oh, please, Mrs. Wax,
try to control yourself.
- Sorry, Elliot, this is it.
- No!
- Something's wrong,
this thing seems to be broken.
- Oh, well, here let
me take a look at that.
A lady can fix
anything with a hairpin.
There, that oughta do it.
(crying)
Oh no.
(electric buzzing)
- Get away from his foot, lady.
(audience laughing)
- Kitty.
- Matt.
- Doc.
- Matt.
- Festus.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Matt.
- Kitty, Doc, Festus.
Matt.
- Jesse.
(gunshots)
Doc.
- Doc!
- Kitty.
- Festus.
(groaning)
Doc?
- Matt?
- Festus.
- Kitty.
- Kitty.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, we gotta get
going to Tyrone's wedding,
after all, don't forget,
you're the best man.
- I know, but don't
let Tyrone know,
it'll break his heart.
- Now, let's see,
Gladys, you'll need
something old, something new,
something borrowed,
and something blue.
- Well, my
engagement ring is new.
My veil is borrowed.
My flowers are blue.
And something old
is waiting out there
to marry me.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Tyrone, here's your suit.
The best garment money can rent.
Come on, let's start
getting it on here.
- Seems almost
a waste of effort.
- You, sir, have the taste
of a case of castor oil.
- Come on, Tyrone, we
haven't got much time.
We gotta start getting dressed.
Here, I'll help you
off with your coat.
- This is mine.
These garments I
wooed the tender violet,
in these garments I won her,
and in these garments,
I shall wed her.
- But Tyrone, the
wedding is formal.
- Formal, huh?
Well.
(audience laughing)
I hope I'm not overdressed.
- This is the most
important event of a girl's life.
The eve of her
wedding, when a girl must
give up that which
she prizes so dearly.
- Oh, you're so right.
- And since I must give it up,
I want you to have it.
(audience laughing)
- Me?
- Yes, take it and swing
it in the best of health.
- Well, there it is.
- This is it.
(Tyrone laughs)
- Never fear,
forward with courage
and conviction and deep emotion
onto the, oh.
- Come on.
Let's take the happy
groom in there, huh?
Everyday I am wanting you
Every night I am
longing to Hold you close
To my tender breast
- Doesn't Gladys look beautiful?
- Well, I've never seen
Tyrone look more radiant.
Dream a dream But I cling to me
And that you may hear
me Dreams I've had
For whenever I wake
I never find you near me
Wanting you
Nothing else in
this world will do
In this world you
are all That I adore
All
I
Adore
(audience applauding)
- It just makes you wanna cry.
(doors slamming)
- Gee, their first fight.
- Oh, it's still one of
Hollywood's longer marriages.
(loud crying)
- I know you must hate me.
And I don't blame you.
- Hate you?
Miss Ormphby, let me explain,
as I walked down the aisle,
my entire life of
scandalous behavior
flashed before my eyes.
I am a swinish cad who
toyed with your affections.
- Tyrone, you needn't
try to spare me.
All my life I knew
I was born to be
a heartbreaker.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Ormphby,
I'm no good for you.
- There are certain
fascinating women
and we are just not
made for marriage.
(audience laughing)
- Now, what I
did, I did for you.
- Then you forgive me?
- What is there to forgive?
I am the offender.
- Oh, oh, no,
Tyrone, I am guilty.
I walked out on you.
- Oh, quite the
contrary, my dear,
it was I who left
you at the altar.
- No, no, it was me.
- Do you mean that you...
- Do you mean that you...
- [Both] Walked out too?
(laughing)
- You nutty girl, you.
Perhaps it is better this way.
- Are we friends?
- Of course.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- My dear, perhaps
it might prove
of some interest to point out
that the honeymoon
suite is all paid for.
- So?
- Well, I mean,
considering it's availability
and the sin of wastefulness,
we might avail
ourselves of the facilities
for a little weekend
of possibly...
(audience laughing)
Well, to imbibe a
bit of the bubbly?
A moment or two for a fast
nibble on an hors d'oeuvre?
(audience laughing)
My dear, you've just made me
the happiest man in the world.
Dum, dum, my nose is bleeding
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Miss Channing,
what a lovely hairdo.
Who does your hair?
- Oh, Mr. Kenneth, Tiny.
And that's quite a
hairdo you have, dear.
Now, who does yours?
- Mr. Ed.
(audience laughing)
- You know you're adorable.
I just wish you weren't married.
- Well, as they say
on Ticks Rider Show...
- Tex Raider?
- That about wraps
it up for tonight.
- Funny, Tyrone just
told me the same thing.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Isn't there anything
you'd like to interrupt with?
- No, goodnight, Dick.
- I mean, some little
anecdote or interjections
that you usually delay us with?
- No, goodnight,
Dan, say goodnight.
- I can't believe it,
surely, there must be
some small remark.
You wanna tell
me about your aunt.
- Say goodnight, Dan.
- A quip, a pleasantry,
perhaps a riddle?
- No, say goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Dan?
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- While nothing much
is happening here,
I would like to wish
a happy anniversary
to Nancy and Harold
Wilson, thank you.
- I got myself an
unlisted phone number
because of obscene phone calls.
I still get obscene phone calls
but now they're from a
much nicer class of people.
(audience laughing)
- You know, the White
House says the end
of inflation is right
around the corner.
Unfortunately, the corner
is in downtown Saigon.
- Oh, I was in
there just thinking
how the Burbank scientists
are having so much
trouble growing food on
the bottom of the ocean.
- Why is that, Jo?
- Well, you know, their
plow horses keep drowning.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy, why did they
say Long John Silver
was a strange looking pirate?
- Because he had a
peg leg and a yardarm.
- I knew a girl who's so dumb,
she doesn't know
the difference between
the six dollar bill
and a real one.
- Is that so?
- Since Frank Sinatra
bought a beer brewery,
he's got the only
pool in Palm Springs
with a head on it.
And he's richer, but wiser.
- Hey, Dan, is
there such a thing
as a peach that's
fuzzy and white?
- No.
- Oh, no, I think I
just ate a tennis ball.
- Oh, I hope so.
- I went out with
a nest last night.
- [Man] Did you?
- Yes, maybe in a year or two,
they'll let me go without one.
- My old man asked me
if we could live
together for a year
and then find out whether
we'd made a mistake or not.
If we had, we'd split and
go our separate ways.
That's cool, all I
wanna know is,
who's gonna get
custody of the mistake?
- Goldie, hey, I
hear you're going
to a skydiving school, right?
- Right.
- Well, how many
successful jumps do you have
to make to graduate?
- All of them.
(audience laughing)
- Dope is a big
problem in America,
however, we just
keep on electing them.
- Do you know that
there's so much pollution
in our rivers, pretty
soon it won't be a miracle
to walk on the water?
(audience laughing)
(loud sneeze)
(motor whirring)
(loud splash)
(squeaking)
(whistle)
- Oh, Mr. Rowan,
I'd like to talk to you
as one married man to another.
- Another what?
- Portions of tonight's show
were not prerecorded.
All of tonight's show
was prerecorded.
- Very interesting,
but that tall blonde fella
had such a nutty expression.
(laughing)
Cuckoo, cuckoo.
- Would you care to
explain what you mean by
nutty expression?
- Well, you,
Fritz, you look like
you just swallowed a donkling.
And it got stuck.
Two donklings.
- Ah, but Wolfgang,
wasn't this an exciting evening?
All that singing and
dancing and laughing.
- (forced laughter)
I had more laughter
at Otto Preminger film festival.
- Ah, come on, Wolfgang,
let's go down to the beer hall
and have a little Schnapps
in the rumpus room.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I'll be the rumper
and you'll be the rumpee.
- Wolfie!
- And I'll be the wolfer!
Listen, my little (speaking
in foreign language),
I never fool around,
but in your case,
I'd be willing to
make an exception.
And as for you, Gary,
in your case,
somebody obviously did.
(speaking in foreign language)
See, now they're wearing
perfume in the trenches.
(audience laughing)
- Give me an L!
Give me an L!
Give me an L-A-U.
Give me a G!
Give me a G-U!
Give me a, what do you got?
(giggles) Yeah, Lagin!