Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 24 - Episode #3.24 - full transcript
Guest Danny Kaye is a rival chef to Arte Johnson in the Italian king's kitchen. Then Kaye is the bride's father to Ruth Buzzi's Gladys. The cast looks at the generation gap. Ernestine places a call to LA mayor Sam Yorty.
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(lively music)
(bell ringing)
- Quick, I have to catch a
plane in a half hour for Paris
to attend a series of
industrial conventions
that require precise
timing, my watch just broke.
You'll have to fix it in 15
minutes, can you do it?
- Come in.
(audience laughing)
- What's Paul Newman
got that I haven't had longer?
(audience laughing)
- My friends, my
friends, my friends,
one thing to remember about
dating a girl from Burbank,
if you call up and a man
answers, don't hang up.
(audience laughing)
It could be her.
(audience laughing)
- If I were here, I'd
put a stop to all this
kidding here about Burbank.
I love Burbank, but of
course, I've seen Tijuana.
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Nut and Bolt Boutique and
Home for the Hopefully Helpless,
NBC tries once more to stamp out
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the hopeful Dan Rowan,
and the helpless Dick Martin,
with special guest
star Danny Kaye,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and Laugh-In's call of
the wild, Jo Anne Worley.
Also happily helpless,
Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin,
and John Brown.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this message
for those young women who
frequently find themselves
bored and listless.
Next time, girls, go
out and fool around.
- We've been
married three years.
- And we've found that
what Scope says is true:
(gurgling)
Just once in the
morning does it.
(gurgling) (audience laughing)
- Fine-lookin' mouthwash
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(clattering)
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
I wondered if you
could take a look at this.
- Speak a little louder.
- I wonder if you could
take a look at this.
- What seems to be
the trouble with this?
- Well, all it goes
is tick, tick, tick, tick.
- Oh, well, you don't have
to worry for anything, lady.
We have ways and
means of making you tock!
(laughing)
- You dirty old man!
- I certainly hope so!
- You're kinda cute!
- Get out (mumbling)!
(upbeat comedic music)
- [Both] Farkel!
- I will when I'm warmed up.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Okay, where's the fire?
- In your eyes, officer.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(audience applauding)
- All right, folks,
now, come on.
We know this our
farewell appearance.
- (laughs) And it well may be.
- What's that, excuse me?
- Never, never
met, it's a valise.
Tonight, there's a...
- You're skipping town?
- No, no, it's a
big night tonight.
You know, Danny
Kaye's on the show.
- Danny Kaye, my favorite!
- Isn't that the fact?
- I love Danny Kaye.
- Oh, I do too.
I came over to tell you that we
had Danny Kaye on the show,
came over to the house
last night, you weren't home.
- No, I was at the
library with Ethel.
(laughs)
We always go to the library.
- Library?
- Yeah, you know.
- With Ethel?
- We're very
academically reclined.
- I'm sure you are.
(laughs comically)
Would you hold
on to that, please?
- Why, sure.
- Just hang onto it.
- Was one missing, or something?
- No, no, just hold it in your
hand, nice firm grasp there.
Now, where was it
you went with Ethel?
- To the library.
(loud buzzing)
What was that, what was that?
- That, my prevaricating
partner, is a polygraph,
a lie detector.
Now, we're gonna put
an end to some of these
wild stories of yours.
It's gonna beep like that
every time you tell a lie.
- I never told a lie in my life!
(loud buzzing)
(groans) (audience laughing)
- Now, in the remote
chance that you tell the truth,
a little bell will ring.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I was gettin' pretty
tired of those beeps.
(loud ringing)
- That's the bell,
you see there?
- I'm as honest as
the day is long anyway.
(loud buzzing)
(audience laughing)
- You don't know
what the truth is,
and this machine's
gonna prove it.
Now, you didn't go to any
library last night, did you?
- I did so. (loud buzzing)
Oh, shut up!
(laughing)
Big mouth! (loud ringing)
- It does have a big mouth.
Now, you can't beat the machine.
Maybe we can get the
truth about you and Ethel.
Where were you last night?
- Well, right after
we left the library,
(loud buzzing)
uh, party, (loud buzzing)
I took her straight
home. (loud buzzing)
Okay, to my
place. (loud ringing)
- [Dan] There you go.
- But we were only
there for a minute.
(loud buzzing)
Well, she had to stay.
(loud buzzing)
Well, there was
a regular blizzard,
(loud buzzing) in Canada.
(loud ringing)
Gotcha!
- I'm glad you read the papers.
- Thank you. (loud ringing)
(grunts) (audience laughing)
Anyway, I gave her a little
friendly kiss on the cheek,
(loud ringing) and a little hug,
(loud ringing) and that was it.
(loud buzzing) Well, it was!
(audience laughing)
Two out of three
isn't bad. (loud ringing)
- That's true.
It would appear to me,
sir, that your memory
needs a little refreshing
concerning your
activities last night.
- Oh, last night's memories
were very refreshing!
(laughs) (loud ringing)
- We have a little
surprise for you.
- You're kidding!
- Ethel?
- Ethel, Ethel is here?
- Ethel is here.
- Oh, hello, Ethel!
- Hi.
- Would you hang on
to this, please, Ethel?
- My golly.
- Ethel, you remember Dick?
Dick, Ethel, Ethel, Dick.
What was it you wanted
to ask Dick, Ethel?
- Dicky?
- Huh?
- Did you really
mean it when you said
you'd love me forever?
- Well, I most, (loud buzzing)
well, nearly forever.
(loud buzzing)
Well, quite a
long time, actually.
(loud buzzing)
Well, several months, at least.
(loud buzzing)
Listen, I have this
marvelous weekend planned.
(loud ringing)
- Well, I'm not
that kind of a girl!
(loud buzzing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's a
fine-lookin' lie detector
you got there, Dan.
(laughs) (loud ringing)
- It truly is.
Well, so much for the truth.
Now then, it's time
for the news. (loud buzzing)
Okay, it's time for the quickie.
(creaking)
(cymbal crashing)
(ratcheting)
(smooching loudly)
(audience laughing)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- I say, do you know a
Mrs. Elephanstansmythe?
- Just a moment.
Yes.
- (grunts) And were you
with her on Thursday, the 8th?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm her husband
and I didn't like that.
(audience laughing)
- Strange,
neither did I.
(audience laughing)
- You wanna know
somethin' funny, Mr. Thomas?
I'm not even a doctor.
(laughing)
- I know, Mr. Wilby.
I'm not even a nurse!
(laughing)
(laughing)
- The joke's on you two
'cause I'm not even sick!
(audience laughing)
- You show me a
pair of curb feelers
and I'll show you a
couple of weirdos.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle warbling)
(loud smooching)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- You mean your
doctor told you to take
one tablet before each meal,
and a brandy before bedtime?
- Yeah.
I'm a week behind
on the tablets,
and a couple of months
ahead on the brandy.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- I'm crazy about you.
(audience laughing)
(stomping)
(loud smooching)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In now proudly presents
our own sweetheart of song,
Rosmenko and O'Shaughnessy.
(audience applauding)
(shouting in foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking in foreign
language) (lively pensive music)
(singing in foreign language)
(gasping dramatically)
(singing in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(barking)
(speaking in foreign language)
- In case of a prize,
duplicate ties will be given.
- [Both] And that's
why we are saying...
(singing in foreign language)
(lively pensive music)
- Please, everybody go home.
- Go home.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat comedic music)
(upbeat music)
- Was that a quickie?
(audience laughing)
- Lady,
lady, do you realize you
just drove through a crosswalk
at 55 miles an hour?
- Well, I know, strong,
handsome, incredibly tall officer,
(laughs) but I just
wanted to get through
before I hit anyone.
(audience laughing)
- Have you ever heard
of a 60-second romance?
- No.
- Got a minute?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Tyrone.
- Good to see you.
- Wanna go to the party with us?
- Well, that is precluded
by the prior obligation
of escorting the turtle
dove of my dreams
for my prenuptial ceremony.
- Oh!
- What does he mean?
- Oh, the girls are all over
at Gladys's bridal shower.
He has to go pick her up.
- Oh.
- The protocols of which
ritual exclude the swain.
- What does he mean?
- He can't understand
why he wasn't invited
to the bridal shower.
- Oh, Tyrone, the groom
never goes to the bridal shower!
- Never.
- Oh, that's tut-tut and poo!
- Tut-tut and poo?
- Yes!
- I used to work with them.
(audience laughing)
- He has a bachelor party.
We've already planned yours.
(hooting) It's gonna be a real
blast, you know what I mean?
(Tyrone laughing stiffly)
- What does he mean?
- Well, he simply means
that the bachelor's party
consists of feasting,
drinking, care-free gaiety
and festivities.
- And women! (laughs)
- And women, Tyrone!
See, the bachelor's
party symbolizes
a goodbye to all those things.
- Goodbye to all those things?
- [Dick] Afraid so, Ty.
- Ah, well, maybe if the
party gets really good,
we should consider a
postponement of the nuptials.
- (hooting) If the
Republicans ever found out
what that means!
- This is no time
to chicken out.
Face up to it like a man.
You go pick up
Gladys at the shower,
we'll go to the Cocktail Party.
- Well, I guess you're right.
I go now to meet my betrothed.
- Good boy.
- Howsoever,
I will saunter by the swings
just for old time sakes.
(laughing)
One last swing.
(audience laughing)
- Have a good time.
Come on, while he
goes to the swings,
we'll go to the party,
you're all invited.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Danny!
- What?
Oh!
(audience laughing)
Sexual permissiveness is the
problem with today's children.
Now, if it hadn't been for
sexual permissiveness,
we wouldn't even
have today's children.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Did you notice
my dress? (laughs)
Boris and I didn't like
the show Hair at first,
but seeing it a few
more times, you know,
it started to grow on us.
All over our bodies
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I know today's youth show
little interest in the Church,
but at least that gives
them something in common
with their parents.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Danny!
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
Jeremy, I don't know what
this country's coming to,
protest groups
demanding freedom,
criticizing government policies.
- Yeah, well, we better
keep an eye on that.
The next thing you
know, they'll be writing
a Declaration of Independence.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy?
- Yes?
- Have you met Bruce?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- All bookings are very heavy
for the new nude movies.
First, the theater
manager books the show,
then the vice squad
books the theater manager.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I just gave Tiny
Tim a nude statue
with a clock in its stomach,
as a wedding present.
The clock doesn't work
but Tiny'll never find out,
he's too embarrassed to wind it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well, it looks like
we're on the way
to reaching economic
equality in America.
There are almost as
many white cats out of work
as there are brothers.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, listen, Cathy,
why don't we go up
to my place tonight.
You know, I'm a marvelous cook.
- Really, what's your specialty?
- Breakfast.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I do believe in
getting involved,
just so long as the
involvement is a tasteful one.
Why, I even have a
fight poverty sticker
on my Rolls-Royce.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- If President Nixon's
war on pollution
is as effective as President
Johnson's war on poverty,
before we know it, we're
gonna have an awful lot
of dirty poor people.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Rosmenko, I've
been meaning to ask you,
do you have any motion
picture industry in your country?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- It's a long walk.
- Yes, yes, a hard
walk from over there.
Yes, Mr. Gorman, sir, we
do got it, a movie industry.
Yes, we got latest new great hit
called We Eat Horses,
Don't We? (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Kaye, my
daughter-in-law complained
that our house was too
small for the three of us,
so I added on a new
bedroom at my own expense,
and now she won't sleep in it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Yes?
(audience laughing)
Now, according to
the Internal Revenue,
we can deduct $600 for
everybody we support.
Well, now, this year, I
am listin' the government
of South Vietnam.
(laughs comically)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
(lively music)
(glass shattering)
(audience laughing)
- Why, Sister Goldie,
you look absolutely thrilled!
- Oh, I am, Sister Teresa.
I just took my vow of
silence and I can't wait
to tell everybody.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there is no truth to the rumor
that a logarithm
is a birth control
for Catholic lumberjacks.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time, once again,
for our Scandinavian
storyteller.
(speaking in Scandinavian)
- Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, just a second.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
You're right in the
middle of a story.
- No, look, we've had this
guy on the show twice already.
Now, nobody has
understood one word he's said.
- What are you talkin' about?
Our Scandinavian
listeners all understand it.
- That doesn't
help the rest of us.
Now, look, I met a
guy in a bar last night
that understands
Scandinavian perfectly.
His name is Sandy McDowell.
- And he understands?
- Of course!
Sandy, would you come in here?
- [Sandy] Hey! (laughs)
- This is Dan, this is Sandy.
- Pleasure to meet ya.
- Hey.
- You understand Scandinavian?
- Aye.
- Oh, well, wonderful.
Then after his story,
you can translate it.
- Aye!
- Okay, go ahead.
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
- Is the story finished yet?
- Aye.
- Good, good, now
you're gonna translate it.
- Aye.
(speaking with heavy
accent) (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- You met this
guy in a bar, huh?
- What's the difference?
It's an old joke anyway.
- Yeah, but I hadn't
heard it before.
(shouting in foreign language)
- Oh, you're hearin' it again!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat comedic music)
- [Both] Cheers.
(grunts) (audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- One ringy dingy,
two ringy ding, oh
gracious, good afternoon.
Los Angeles City Hall?
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Mr. Yorty, do you
have a Mr. Yorty there?
Y-0-R-T-Y.
(audience laughing)
First name, Mayor.
Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Yorty
is the mayor.
Well, is he there, please?
Uh-huh.
Well, can he be reached
at another number?
(audience laughing)
Where is that?
Yokohama?
What is that number, please?
Uh-huh, Yokohama.
54367?
And after 12, it's
New Delhi 74211?
In London, it's Trafalgar 87244?
And in Athens,
now, wait a minute.
Now, just wait a minute.
You are not dealing
with just anyone's fool.
I am a high school graduate.
Now tell me, is this Mr. Yorty
on the lamb or something?
(audience laughing)
Oh, he's a
publicly-elected official?
Well, who elected
him, Pan Am? (snorting)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
- I always say
there's no point
in keeping a dog
and barking yourself.
(audience laughing)
I know it isn't funny,
I just wanted to say it.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry about the
whole thing now.
(audience laughing)
Do the Farkel, do the Farkel
- To the queen.
To the queen.
(grunts)
- Oh, is he in town?
(audience laughing)
- You think you could pass
the test for drunken driving?
- Pass it, what do you
think I'm doing now?
(blows raspberry)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(lively music)
- Morning.
- Morning.
Excuse me, I'd like an
expensive wristwatch for my wife.
- Yes, well, I have seen
your wife, young man.
I wouldn't give you
a sundial for her!
(audience laughing)
You like to see
something in a cuckoo?
(audience laughing)
- No, but...
- Out, everybody out (mumbles)!
- How much news
would an Agnew choose
if an Agnew could choose news?
(audience laughing)
We just love to
give you our views
La-da-di-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Here's the news, fresh
from the man whom news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky!
- Detroit, Michigan, in
a surprise statement,
a representative of the
automobile manufacturer said today,
"We have a plan to get
rid of the smog in a year.
"The year will be 1982.
"Maybe."
(audience laughing)
Two, three, four.
(audience laughing)
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum rolling)
- Hi!
Big Goldie here in the old,
where am I anyway, anyway?
(laughs) My dingle's gone!
(laughs) Anyway,
anyway, featurette, I
mean, featurette, that is,
cool, here's the future news.
Oh, interest,
excitement, thrill, thrill!
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
And here's Dan! (laughs)
- New York City 1976,
on the serious side,
20 years from now.
The government water
desalinization plant
has finally succeeded in
eliminating the taste of salt,
but they're still working
on removing the beer cans,
orange peels, and old tires.
(audience laughing)
Sort of a water pollution item.
Calcutta, India 1985,
theater-goers in this ancient city
were shocked and
appalled last evening
at the premier performance
of the all-nude stage play,
Oh Cincinnati.
(audience laughing)
- We now take you
back to 17th century Italy,
and into the kitchen
of King Leonardo.
(singing in foreign language)
(laughing)
- I'm gonna take my
pancake into the king now.
- Eh-eh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
it's no you pancake.
It's my pancake.
- You...
- I started the pancake,
and then you finish it.
- Crazy!
You pancake turn out lousy.
This my pancake!
- No, you wait just a second.
That's my pancake.
- You got a sense of humor.
(yelling over each other)
- Where do you
take your pancake?
This is not my pancake
because I fed everybody
that we taken it,
you wanna take your pancake?
Hey, you wanna
take your pancake?
Take your pancake!
Take your pepperoni!
Take your cheese
and take your tomato,
and now, take 'em
back to the king!
(laughs)
That's your lousy pancake!
You could put 'em in
the oven for all I care.
- Hey, you know, this is not
too bad an idea, you know?
- What that?
- Huh, you take a look, I
think we've got something here.
- Eh, eh, eh, eh, just a minute.
- [Short Chef] Yeah?
- Listen, young boy.
- Yes?
- If this pancake, he
turn out to be a hit,
I want a pizza the action.
- Ah!
That's a good idea!
I think I know
what we can call it!
- What?
- Let's call it a hubcap!
- A hubcap?
(audience laughing)
La-da-di-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(laughing) (audience applauding)
- And now, as part of
the educational section
of our program,
here is Goldie
Hawn, who will clarify
the reasons behind
overpopulation.
- The reason for overpopulation
is that there are more
people than there were before
because the old people today,
who used to be new people
before they came old,
who were really busy
makin' new people,
are still here.
First, they couldn't
move, but there,
there'd always be
people moving to and from
where they were moving from.
Besides, the freeways
are already full of people
moving from one
place to another,
and the trains are
not always on time.
Thank you.
Next week, I shall
explain why the trains
don't run on time.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(singing incoherently)
- Goodbye, Gladys.
See you at the wedding.
Bye, Tyrone, congratulations.
- Hi, Tyrone.
- [Woman] I hope you can use it.
- [Woman] Bye, Gladys.
Goodbye.
- [Gladys] Bye, now.
- See you at the wedding.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Ah, ha, spiffy place
you have here. (laughs)
I've never seen you
more radiant, my sweet.
- Oh, this is nothing.
You should see the
new outfit the girls got me.
Oh, I can hardly
wait to put it on.
- Oh, I am breathless
with anticipation.
- Oh, all right, I'll do it now.
- Oh, yeah.
- No peekin', now!
- Oh, I promise.
- You promise?
- Oh, promise, promise.
- Boy Scout honor?
- (laughs) Gotta do
Boy Scout honors.
(laughs)
Are you changing,
my little pussycat?
- [Gladys] Almost ready!
(Tyrone laughing)
- [Tyrone] Ready!
- [Gladys] Here I come!
- [Tyrone] La-da-da-da!
(audience laughing)
- There!
All new!
(audience laughing)
How do I look?
- Oh!
I've never seen you
more radiant, my love.
- Oh, and that's not all.
You should see the other
present the girls got us
for our house.
- Oh?
- It's for both of
us to use at night.
- Uh-huh,
for both of us to use at night?
- Mm-hmm. (laughs)
- Oh, joy supreme, what is it?
- Our blankets.
- Oh! (laughs)
Our blankets, how wonderful.
- Here's mine and here's yours.
(audience laughing)
- Mine and yours?
- Certainly, two
beds, two blankets.
- Two beds, my sweet.
Whom have you
invited to join us?
- No one!
(gasps) Why, you didn't
think that we would actually!
(scatting)
(gasps) Why, Tyrone F. Horneigh,
what kind of a girl
do you think I am?
- I was hopin' to find out.
- Over my dead body!
- (laughs) I had hoped
for a little better than that.
- (gasps) Why,
Tyrone F. Horneigh!
Are you marrying
me just for my body?
- Oh-oh.
Nay.
Stay, thy wrathful hand,
my heart's true blood,
for before you stands
your ardent lover,
wracked by the tender
passions coursing hot-blooded
through the pulsating manhood
whose swelling breast here
palpitates in the burning
fervor of love's fulfillment.
Where are you going?
- I'm gonna return
one of the blankets.
(audience laughing)
- There goes a real great broad.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(humming)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- Hi, I'd like to see
a watch, please.
- You'd like to see
a watch, please.
- Something like a pocket watch.
- A pocket watch, please?
Well, here, we have
something here.
It comes from the (mumbles).
- Is it shock-proof?
- I see the shock-proof.
(glass shattering)
- You ninny, you and
your brother, Santa Claus.
(audience laughing)
- Sad boy!
He didn't buy nothing.
(lively music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat comedic music)
- Oh, Mr. Veatle. (snorting)
(upbeat comedic music)
That's omni-pee-tent.
Omni-pee-tent.
Potent, with an omni
in front of it. (snorts)
- I say that if people don't
like the high cost of living,
just let 'em try somethin' else.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Yes?
- Kindly old craftsman,
I hope that you can help me.
I don't understand,
my grandfather clock,
it stopped running.
- Stopped running?
- Yes.
- Just one second and I will see
what is wrong with
your grandfather clock.
(audience laughing)
(laughing comically)
No wonder!
Your grandfather is dead!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, tonight, Laugh-In
looks at the generation gap.
We're going to see what's
separating the young from the old.
- Georgie Jessel's
lawyer is here? (laughs)
- Come on, you know
the generation gap
refers to things that
divide the age groups.
You know what I mean.
Young people say there's
not enough understanding.
- Well, what do they
know, they're just kids.
- Well, that's just what I mean.
- It is?
- Frank, didn't
you ever disagree
with your parents, for example?
- Sure, but they were
too old to understand me.
- There you go,
the generation gap.
We've always had it.
One person being
cold and hostile
to the ideas of another.
- That's a generation gap?
- That's right.
- Oh, funny, you
know, that happened
last night with Francine.
Hey, Francine, (laughs)
we're part of the old
generation gap. (laughs)
- No, I'm talkin' about a
lack of communication.
- Oh, we communicated all right.
We just didn't have
anything to say to each other.
- Well, now what in the
world can you possibly do
with a girl you can't talk to?
- Well, now, let's see, how
much time do we have?
- Well, not nearly enough.
Here's our look at
the generation gap.
(upbeat music)
- Gee, Dad, thanks for
taking me to this swell movie.
(laughs)
You know, I never coulda
gotten in without you.
- That's right,
son, that's right.
Tell me, son, what did
you think of the movie?
- Oh, wow,
yeah, I thought that
the boy's reaction
to the girl's
sadomasochistic tendencies
certainly justified the
perversion towards the end,
but I found that the
hedonistic overtendencies
were just too
much to struggle for.
- I just thought it
was a dirty movie.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- The trouble with the
younger generation is
too many of us don't
belong to it anymore.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Pop, can I use the car?
I gotta do my homework.
- Oh, homework in
driver's education?
- (laughs) Sex education!
I'mma drive over to the library.
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- There's just something
about the campus in autumn,
the leaves changing color,
the pungent aroma
of burning draft cards,
not to mention, the
swell smell of fresh grass.
Mm-mm, that's what
I call higher learning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well?
- Sweetheart, you
look just like a teenager!
- Oh, thank you, dear.
- Sweetheart!
- What?
- You look just like a teenager!
- Well, watch your language!
(loud punching) (groans)
(audience laughing)
Gotcha, El Skinny. (laughs)
I may be petite, but I'm strong.
- I don't know how much longer
it can go on like
this, you know?
I'm on booze and
my wife is on tranquilizers,
the older boy is smoking grass,
and the oldest girls
are on pep pills, and
the youngest sniffs glue.
We've only got one
kid in the whole family
who's not on anything.
- Well, what's his bag?
- I don't know, none of
us can get through to him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Oedipus was the first man
to close the generation gap.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, baby.
You know, you're
really a groove.
You think we ought to
get married or something?
- Yeah, why not?
(audience laughing)
- Good, I'll tell the kids.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- You know there's
a generation gap
when you're too young to
vote but old enough to go to war.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Shirley, where
you going, Shirley?
- Out on a date, why?
= Why?
Well, have a look at you.
17 years old, wearin'
all kinds of mini skirts,
puttin' all that
makeup on your face,
and havin' a half a dozen
dates with different boys.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- Oh, you're just
too old fashioned.
I don't know why I
ever married you!
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there is a great deal to be said
for the tasteful
male-female relationship,
just so long as this
dangerous assault
on our moral fiber
remains controlled,
and at all times, very
tasteful, don't you see?
Thank you.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- We come to report
that our son ran away.
- Yeah, and I
can't understand it.
We did everything for him.
And what a time
he picked to do it.
I'm due in Chicago tomorrow
at a business conference.
Had to cancel my golf
lesson this morning.
Tonight, I'll probably
miss my lodge meeting.
- Why did he do it now?
- I don't know.
- It'll mean changing
my whole schedule!
Oh, and to top it
all off, this week,
I'm chair lady at
our PTA meeting.
- Okay, describe
the kid, height?
- Hmm?
- Height.
- Height.
- Uh, oh, I'd say somewhere
between four, five, six feet.
- Yeah, somewhere in there.
- Color of eyes?
- Blue.
- Brown.
(audience laughing)
They're sort of brownish-blue.
- Color of hair?
- Black.
- Blonde.
(audience laughing)
- Blonde, yeah, he is.
Blonde, takes after her.
- Okay, now, just
give me his first name.
- Howard.
- Harold.
- Howard.
- Harold!
- Howard!
- Would you make up your mind?
- Harold, Howard, what
difference does it make?
He's our son, we miss him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Our morals
really aren't so bad.
Some girls, on the first date,
still won't kiss
you good morning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well, that's our look
at the generation gap.
- It sure taught
me a thing or two.
- I'm delighted to hear it.
- Sure, from now on, I
am never, never, never
gonna date a girl over 22.
- Oh, really?
- I'm sorry, Francine,
but you're over the hill.
But don't worry, there's
always Georgie Jessel.
- There is no truth to the rumor
that President Nixon will
start his war on pollution
by whitewashing
Secretary Hickel.
(audience laughing)
So, if you hear
it, don't believe it.
(audience laughing)
(loud chomping)
- Oh, you know, Danny,
it's so, the thing about,
well, first of all, when you,
I couldn't, when I heard,
George told me, he said
that you would be coming,
and I couldn't, when I
first, I was so ex, because,
you know, first of
all, I went to Las,
I wanted to get into, you know,
when you were doing
your thing, and I couldn't,
they said, I couldn't
even get a seat
because they
wouldn't even let me,
and you were all
completely sold,
and I didn't know
what else to do,
and when I, but
when you, and the day,
and you had those funny, you
were wearing those funny shoes,
I couldn't, and when I saw
you, I said it was so fantas,
I was so excited
because I don't know when
I've been so, it's never
been a moment like,
it's so, it's something
that I've been looking for,
because you're
internationally famous, so...
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- Farkel.
- If you insist.
(feet tapping)
- That's beauty-Farkel-ful.
(lively music) (humming)
(bell ringing)
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
That gold watch you sold me,
it turned my skin green.
Can you do something about it?
- Certainly.
I will sell you a green watch
to go with your green skin!
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(sneezing) (clattering)
Hello?
- Would it do any
good to mention
that I'm a personal friend
of Annette Funicello?
(audience laughing)
Or Dr. Schwarzman?
(audience laughing)
Does the name Ima
Goldman ring a bell?
(audience laughing)
My father's a judge.
(audience laughing)
- How dare you burp
in front of me, sir!
- Terribly sorry, old chap.
Didn't know it was your turn.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(laughing)
(balloon popping)
(laughing)
- How many of you realize
that it's not so important
what we say, as
it is how we say it.
Let's take a simple
little word like oh.
(whistling)
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(laughs)
(clears throat)
- Oh?
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
Oh.
Oh?
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh! (laughing hysterically)
Oh!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh!
(laughing)
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
(romantic music)
Oh.
Oh.
- Oh?
- Oh.
- Oh!
Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
(smooching loudly)
- Oh-oh!
- Oh.
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(bell ringing)
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
My watch band is broken
and the main spring is shot,
and the arms are bent,
and the face is broken.
What do you think?
- I think I am falling
in love with you.
What is your name, young man?
- Folks, there is absolutely
no truth to the rumor
that Lester Maddox
digs soul food.
So, if you see him out for
dinner, you know that's no grits!
- There is no truth to the
rumor that Jo Anne Worley
learned how to
whisper in a sawmill.
- There is absolutely
no truth to the rumor
that offshore drilling
will be halted in California
when the first oil slick
appears off San Clemente!
(audience laughing)
So, when you
hear it, my friends,
please just ignore it!
(audience laughing)
- This is my betrothed,
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
(mumbling)
- Now, daughter, if
you just run along,
I have some business to discuss
that is a pure delicacy,
and you will excuse us.
(laughing) (coughing)
(audience laughing)
Well, now,
I understand you want
my daughter's hand.
- Well, I was hoping for
a little better than that.
(audience laughing)
- Don't move, son.
- Oh, this is part of my game.
- I hear tell you are
a man of substance.
- Oh, well, yeah.
- You have
interest, I presume?
Properties and
holdings and things?
- Holdings, holdings, yeah.
Well, I have some
minor interests
in the bicycle seat industry.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Horny...
- Horneigh.
(audience laughing)
Horneigh.
- Horneigh.
- Horneigh.
Accent umlaut over the E-I-G-H.
- Horneigh!
- Horneigh!
- I like you.
- Good.
- I (coughs) like you.
- Good, good.
- Horneigh, I feel I
can approach you,
not as a Horneigh,
but as an Ormphby.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm gonna take you
into my confidence
on the matter of some
vast economic importance.
- Economic importance.
- Exactly.
- Whoa!
- Since you are a man
enjoying regular employment,
I feel certain that you
will respond to this appeal.
- Oh.
What appeal?
- Could you let me have
three bucks till pay day?
(audience laughing)
- When is pay day?
- How should I know
when pay day is?
You're the one with the job.
(audience laughing)
- Well,
unfortunately, my
investment portfolio
is in my other sweatshirt.
- Well, give it no mind.
You have my blessing,
Horneigh, you certainly do.
Well, I shall be leaving now.
I'm gonna leave you in the
very good hands of my daughter.
(audience laughing)
- How'd you make out with Daddy?
- Well, very fascinating.
Daddy made out a
little better than I did.
(audience laughing)
My dear, it was touch and go.
- Touch and go?
- Precisely, my pigeon.
He touched me for everything
I had, and he was gone.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(popping)
(whistling)
(upbeat comedic music)
Matrimony, applause,
applause, applause.
- Hi!
(lively music)
(all blowing raspberry)
- Are you gonna say goodnight?
- All you have to do is ask.
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- I got my girlfriend
a birthday present
that'll show her
how much I love her:
a cigarette lighter
that doesn't work.
(audience laughing)
- I know an NBC vice president
who only gets 10
minutes for lunch
because they don't
want him to forget his job.
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend said
she thinks her husband
is the world's greatest lover,
but she hasn't been able
to catch him at it! (laughs)
- Now, that's cute.
I saw a girl wearing
a mini skirt in the rain,
and it shrank
something wonderful1
- Ask any woman her age
and nine times out of 10,
she'll guess wrong.
(audience laughing)
- Did you know
that the tattooed lady
got a divorce from
the rubber man
because, well, he kept
erasing her best pictures.
- No, I didn't.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you think that's
something. (laughs)
There is a new
deodorant on the market
and it's called Ventriloquist,
it doesn't solve your problems,
but, how you say,
the fellow next to you
will think it's him.
(audience laughing)
(laughs)
- [Man] Hey, Henry!
- Marilyn...
- Hey, Henry!
- (laughs) Marilyn...
- [Man] Hey, Henry!
(laughs)
- Listen, listen to this one.
- [Dan] I will listen.
- My grandfather knew
the Marquis de Sade
when he was just a
young whippersnapper.
(audience laughing)
- The best way to stop
the noise in your car
is to let your wife
drive it, you big dummy!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Henry and I have been
talking, he has a problem.
Listen, Henry!
Trust me, I'm no good for you.
Don't feel bad, I'm sure
there are just lots of girls
out in the world, how you say,
that could make you much
happier than I ever, ever could
in your fondest dreams. (laughs)
- I'm smothering!
- What do you
say to that, shorty?
- Do you need a
girl, hey, Henry?
- I know they
could, but they won't.
- Won't what? (laughs)
- No one remembers.
- You wanna hear
a really great one?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Aren't you that
French fellow that...
- Yeah, but I'm a
different one now.
Yeah, remember Jerome?
- Jerome?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sure.
- Well, I know a boss
whose secretary is so ugly
that when he chases her
around the desk, he walks.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of (mumbles)...
- Oh, shut up!
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(crashing)
- It was the devil who
made me wear this outfit.
- Very, very interesting.
But I never heard so much
double entenenderende in my lifes.
(laughing)
- Wolfgang.
- Eh?
- Where in the world did
you learn to speak French?
- Well, I spent
three years in Paris.
- Fighting?
- No, hiding.
- The proceeding
program was prerecorded.
This program, or
any portion thereof,
may not be rebroadcast
or reproduced
without the express
written consent
of the National Football League.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Lucy.
I would surrender
to you any time.
And as for you, Gary,
I take no prisoners.
Oh, Mr. Gilligan,
we'd like to invite
you and Ms. Kitty,
Fester, and Doc
to the dock,
to the wedding of
Tyrone with Gladys.
But wear clean boots.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
(bright chiming)
(clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(lively music)
(bell ringing)
- Quick, I have to catch a
plane in a half hour for Paris
to attend a series of
industrial conventions
that require precise
timing, my watch just broke.
You'll have to fix it in 15
minutes, can you do it?
- Come in.
(audience laughing)
- What's Paul Newman
got that I haven't had longer?
(audience laughing)
- My friends, my
friends, my friends,
one thing to remember about
dating a girl from Burbank,
if you call up and a man
answers, don't hang up.
(audience laughing)
It could be her.
(audience laughing)
- If I were here, I'd
put a stop to all this
kidding here about Burbank.
I love Burbank, but of
course, I've seen Tijuana.
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Nut and Bolt Boutique and
Home for the Hopefully Helpless,
NBC tries once more to stamp out
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In,
starring the hopeful Dan Rowan,
and the helpless Dick Martin,
with special guest
star Danny Kaye,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and Laugh-In's call of
the wild, Jo Anne Worley.
Also happily helpless,
Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin,
and John Brown.
And me, I'm Gary
Owens with this message
for those young women who
frequently find themselves
bored and listless.
Next time, girls, go
out and fool around.
- We've been
married three years.
- And we've found that
what Scope says is true:
(gurgling)
Just once in the
morning does it.
(gurgling) (audience laughing)
- Fine-lookin' mouthwash
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(clattering)
(bell ringing)
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
I wondered if you
could take a look at this.
- Speak a little louder.
- I wonder if you could
take a look at this.
- What seems to be
the trouble with this?
- Well, all it goes
is tick, tick, tick, tick.
- Oh, well, you don't have
to worry for anything, lady.
We have ways and
means of making you tock!
(laughing)
- You dirty old man!
- I certainly hope so!
- You're kinda cute!
- Get out (mumbling)!
(upbeat comedic music)
- [Both] Farkel!
- I will when I'm warmed up.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
- Okay, where's the fire?
- In your eyes, officer.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(audience applauding)
- All right, folks,
now, come on.
We know this our
farewell appearance.
- (laughs) And it well may be.
- What's that, excuse me?
- Never, never
met, it's a valise.
Tonight, there's a...
- You're skipping town?
- No, no, it's a
big night tonight.
You know, Danny
Kaye's on the show.
- Danny Kaye, my favorite!
- Isn't that the fact?
- I love Danny Kaye.
- Oh, I do too.
I came over to tell you that we
had Danny Kaye on the show,
came over to the house
last night, you weren't home.
- No, I was at the
library with Ethel.
(laughs)
We always go to the library.
- Library?
- Yeah, you know.
- With Ethel?
- We're very
academically reclined.
- I'm sure you are.
(laughs comically)
Would you hold
on to that, please?
- Why, sure.
- Just hang onto it.
- Was one missing, or something?
- No, no, just hold it in your
hand, nice firm grasp there.
Now, where was it
you went with Ethel?
- To the library.
(loud buzzing)
What was that, what was that?
- That, my prevaricating
partner, is a polygraph,
a lie detector.
Now, we're gonna put
an end to some of these
wild stories of yours.
It's gonna beep like that
every time you tell a lie.
- I never told a lie in my life!
(loud buzzing)
(groans) (audience laughing)
- Now, in the remote
chance that you tell the truth,
a little bell will ring.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I was gettin' pretty
tired of those beeps.
(loud ringing)
- That's the bell,
you see there?
- I'm as honest as
the day is long anyway.
(loud buzzing)
(audience laughing)
- You don't know
what the truth is,
and this machine's
gonna prove it.
Now, you didn't go to any
library last night, did you?
- I did so. (loud buzzing)
Oh, shut up!
(laughing)
Big mouth! (loud ringing)
- It does have a big mouth.
Now, you can't beat the machine.
Maybe we can get the
truth about you and Ethel.
Where were you last night?
- Well, right after
we left the library,
(loud buzzing)
uh, party, (loud buzzing)
I took her straight
home. (loud buzzing)
Okay, to my
place. (loud ringing)
- [Dan] There you go.
- But we were only
there for a minute.
(loud buzzing)
Well, she had to stay.
(loud buzzing)
Well, there was
a regular blizzard,
(loud buzzing) in Canada.
(loud ringing)
Gotcha!
- I'm glad you read the papers.
- Thank you. (loud ringing)
(grunts) (audience laughing)
Anyway, I gave her a little
friendly kiss on the cheek,
(loud ringing) and a little hug,
(loud ringing) and that was it.
(loud buzzing) Well, it was!
(audience laughing)
Two out of three
isn't bad. (loud ringing)
- That's true.
It would appear to me,
sir, that your memory
needs a little refreshing
concerning your
activities last night.
- Oh, last night's memories
were very refreshing!
(laughs) (loud ringing)
- We have a little
surprise for you.
- You're kidding!
- Ethel?
- Ethel, Ethel is here?
- Ethel is here.
- Oh, hello, Ethel!
- Hi.
- Would you hang on
to this, please, Ethel?
- My golly.
- Ethel, you remember Dick?
Dick, Ethel, Ethel, Dick.
What was it you wanted
to ask Dick, Ethel?
- Dicky?
- Huh?
- Did you really
mean it when you said
you'd love me forever?
- Well, I most, (loud buzzing)
well, nearly forever.
(loud buzzing)
Well, quite a
long time, actually.
(loud buzzing)
Well, several months, at least.
(loud buzzing)
Listen, I have this
marvelous weekend planned.
(loud ringing)
- Well, I'm not
that kind of a girl!
(loud buzzing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, that's a
fine-lookin' lie detector
you got there, Dan.
(laughs) (loud ringing)
- It truly is.
Well, so much for the truth.
Now then, it's time
for the news. (loud buzzing)
Okay, it's time for the quickie.
(creaking)
(cymbal crashing)
(ratcheting)
(smooching loudly)
(audience laughing)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- I say, do you know a
Mrs. Elephanstansmythe?
- Just a moment.
Yes.
- (grunts) And were you
with her on Thursday, the 8th?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm her husband
and I didn't like that.
(audience laughing)
- Strange,
neither did I.
(audience laughing)
- You wanna know
somethin' funny, Mr. Thomas?
I'm not even a doctor.
(laughing)
- I know, Mr. Wilby.
I'm not even a nurse!
(laughing)
(laughing)
- The joke's on you two
'cause I'm not even sick!
(audience laughing)
- You show me a
pair of curb feelers
and I'll show you a
couple of weirdos.
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle warbling)
(loud smooching)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- You mean your
doctor told you to take
one tablet before each meal,
and a brandy before bedtime?
- Yeah.
I'm a week behind
on the tablets,
and a couple of months
ahead on the brandy.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- I'm crazy about you.
(audience laughing)
(stomping)
(loud smooching)
(whacking)
(upbeat music)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh-In now proudly presents
our own sweetheart of song,
Rosmenko and O'Shaughnessy.
(audience applauding)
(shouting in foreign language)
(audience laughing)
(speaking in foreign
language) (lively pensive music)
(singing in foreign language)
(gasping dramatically)
(singing in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(barking)
(speaking in foreign language)
- In case of a prize,
duplicate ties will be given.
- [Both] And that's
why we are saying...
(singing in foreign language)
(lively pensive music)
- Please, everybody go home.
- Go home.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat comedic music)
(upbeat music)
- Was that a quickie?
(audience laughing)
- Lady,
lady, do you realize you
just drove through a crosswalk
at 55 miles an hour?
- Well, I know, strong,
handsome, incredibly tall officer,
(laughs) but I just
wanted to get through
before I hit anyone.
(audience laughing)
- Have you ever heard
of a 60-second romance?
- No.
- Got a minute?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, Tyrone.
- Good to see you.
- Wanna go to the party with us?
- Well, that is precluded
by the prior obligation
of escorting the turtle
dove of my dreams
for my prenuptial ceremony.
- Oh!
- What does he mean?
- Oh, the girls are all over
at Gladys's bridal shower.
He has to go pick her up.
- Oh.
- The protocols of which
ritual exclude the swain.
- What does he mean?
- He can't understand
why he wasn't invited
to the bridal shower.
- Oh, Tyrone, the groom
never goes to the bridal shower!
- Never.
- Oh, that's tut-tut and poo!
- Tut-tut and poo?
- Yes!
- I used to work with them.
(audience laughing)
- He has a bachelor party.
We've already planned yours.
(hooting) It's gonna be a real
blast, you know what I mean?
(Tyrone laughing stiffly)
- What does he mean?
- Well, he simply means
that the bachelor's party
consists of feasting,
drinking, care-free gaiety
and festivities.
- And women! (laughs)
- And women, Tyrone!
See, the bachelor's
party symbolizes
a goodbye to all those things.
- Goodbye to all those things?
- [Dick] Afraid so, Ty.
- Ah, well, maybe if the
party gets really good,
we should consider a
postponement of the nuptials.
- (hooting) If the
Republicans ever found out
what that means!
- This is no time
to chicken out.
Face up to it like a man.
You go pick up
Gladys at the shower,
we'll go to the Cocktail Party.
- Well, I guess you're right.
I go now to meet my betrothed.
- Good boy.
- Howsoever,
I will saunter by the swings
just for old time sakes.
(laughing)
One last swing.
(audience laughing)
- Have a good time.
Come on, while he
goes to the swings,
we'll go to the party,
you're all invited.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Danny!
- What?
Oh!
(audience laughing)
Sexual permissiveness is the
problem with today's children.
Now, if it hadn't been for
sexual permissiveness,
we wouldn't even
have today's children.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Did you notice
my dress? (laughs)
Boris and I didn't like
the show Hair at first,
but seeing it a few
more times, you know,
it started to grow on us.
All over our bodies
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I know today's youth show
little interest in the Church,
but at least that gives
them something in common
with their parents.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Danny!
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
Jeremy, I don't know what
this country's coming to,
protest groups
demanding freedom,
criticizing government policies.
- Yeah, well, we better
keep an eye on that.
The next thing you
know, they'll be writing
a Declaration of Independence.
(audience laughing)
- Jeremy?
- Yes?
- Have you met Bruce?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- All bookings are very heavy
for the new nude movies.
First, the theater
manager books the show,
then the vice squad
books the theater manager.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I just gave Tiny
Tim a nude statue
with a clock in its stomach,
as a wedding present.
The clock doesn't work
but Tiny'll never find out,
he's too embarrassed to wind it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well, it looks like
we're on the way
to reaching economic
equality in America.
There are almost as
many white cats out of work
as there are brothers.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, listen, Cathy,
why don't we go up
to my place tonight.
You know, I'm a marvelous cook.
- Really, what's your specialty?
- Breakfast.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I do believe in
getting involved,
just so long as the
involvement is a tasteful one.
Why, I even have a
fight poverty sticker
on my Rolls-Royce.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- If President Nixon's
war on pollution
is as effective as President
Johnson's war on poverty,
before we know it, we're
gonna have an awful lot
of dirty poor people.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Rosmenko, I've
been meaning to ask you,
do you have any motion
picture industry in your country?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- It's a long walk.
- Yes, yes, a hard
walk from over there.
Yes, Mr. Gorman, sir, we
do got it, a movie industry.
Yes, we got latest new great hit
called We Eat Horses,
Don't We? (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Mr. Kaye, my
daughter-in-law complained
that our house was too
small for the three of us,
so I added on a new
bedroom at my own expense,
and now she won't sleep in it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Yes?
(audience laughing)
Now, according to
the Internal Revenue,
we can deduct $600 for
everybody we support.
Well, now, this year, I
am listin' the government
of South Vietnam.
(laughs comically)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
(lively music)
(glass shattering)
(audience laughing)
- Why, Sister Goldie,
you look absolutely thrilled!
- Oh, I am, Sister Teresa.
I just took my vow of
silence and I can't wait
to tell everybody.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there is no truth to the rumor
that a logarithm
is a birth control
for Catholic lumberjacks.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time, once again,
for our Scandinavian
storyteller.
(speaking in Scandinavian)
- Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, just a second.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
You're right in the
middle of a story.
- No, look, we've had this
guy on the show twice already.
Now, nobody has
understood one word he's said.
- What are you talkin' about?
Our Scandinavian
listeners all understand it.
- That doesn't
help the rest of us.
Now, look, I met a
guy in a bar last night
that understands
Scandinavian perfectly.
His name is Sandy McDowell.
- And he understands?
- Of course!
Sandy, would you come in here?
- [Sandy] Hey! (laughs)
- This is Dan, this is Sandy.
- Pleasure to meet ya.
- Hey.
- You understand Scandinavian?
- Aye.
- Oh, well, wonderful.
Then after his story,
you can translate it.
- Aye!
- Okay, go ahead.
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
- Is the story finished yet?
- Aye.
- Good, good, now
you're gonna translate it.
- Aye.
(speaking with heavy
accent) (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- You met this
guy in a bar, huh?
- What's the difference?
It's an old joke anyway.
- Yeah, but I hadn't
heard it before.
(shouting in foreign language)
- Oh, you're hearin' it again!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat comedic music)
- [Both] Cheers.
(grunts) (audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- One ringy dingy,
two ringy ding, oh
gracious, good afternoon.
Los Angeles City Hall?
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Have I reached the party
to whom I am speaking?
Mr. Yorty, do you
have a Mr. Yorty there?
Y-0-R-T-Y.
(audience laughing)
First name, Mayor.
Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Yorty
is the mayor.
Well, is he there, please?
Uh-huh.
Well, can he be reached
at another number?
(audience laughing)
Where is that?
Yokohama?
What is that number, please?
Uh-huh, Yokohama.
54367?
And after 12, it's
New Delhi 74211?
In London, it's Trafalgar 87244?
And in Athens,
now, wait a minute.
Now, just wait a minute.
You are not dealing
with just anyone's fool.
I am a high school graduate.
Now tell me, is this Mr. Yorty
on the lamb or something?
(audience laughing)
Oh, he's a
publicly-elected official?
Well, who elected
him, Pan Am? (snorting)
(audience laughing)
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
- I always say
there's no point
in keeping a dog
and barking yourself.
(audience laughing)
I know it isn't funny,
I just wanted to say it.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry about the
whole thing now.
(audience laughing)
Do the Farkel, do the Farkel
- To the queen.
To the queen.
(grunts)
- Oh, is he in town?
(audience laughing)
- You think you could pass
the test for drunken driving?
- Pass it, what do you
think I'm doing now?
(blows raspberry)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
(lively music)
- Morning.
- Morning.
Excuse me, I'd like an
expensive wristwatch for my wife.
- Yes, well, I have seen
your wife, young man.
I wouldn't give you
a sundial for her!
(audience laughing)
You like to see
something in a cuckoo?
(audience laughing)
- No, but...
- Out, everybody out (mumbles)!
- How much news
would an Agnew choose
if an Agnew could choose news?
(audience laughing)
We just love to
give you our views
La-da-di-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
- [All] Here's Dan.
(audience applauding)
- Here's the news, fresh
from the man whom news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Dicky!
- Detroit, Michigan, in
a surprise statement,
a representative of the
automobile manufacturer said today,
"We have a plan to get
rid of the smog in a year.
"The year will be 1982.
"Maybe."
(audience laughing)
Two, three, four.
(audience laughing)
Take it away, Goldie.
(drum rolling)
- Hi!
Big Goldie here in the old,
where am I anyway, anyway?
(laughs) My dingle's gone!
(laughs) Anyway,
anyway, featurette, I
mean, featurette, that is,
cool, here's the future news.
Oh, interest,
excitement, thrill, thrill!
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
And here's Dan! (laughs)
- New York City 1976,
on the serious side,
20 years from now.
The government water
desalinization plant
has finally succeeded in
eliminating the taste of salt,
but they're still working
on removing the beer cans,
orange peels, and old tires.
(audience laughing)
Sort of a water pollution item.
Calcutta, India 1985,
theater-goers in this ancient city
were shocked and
appalled last evening
at the premier performance
of the all-nude stage play,
Oh Cincinnati.
(audience laughing)
- We now take you
back to 17th century Italy,
and into the kitchen
of King Leonardo.
(singing in foreign language)
(laughing)
- I'm gonna take my
pancake into the king now.
- Eh-eh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
it's no you pancake.
It's my pancake.
- You...
- I started the pancake,
and then you finish it.
- Crazy!
You pancake turn out lousy.
This my pancake!
- No, you wait just a second.
That's my pancake.
- You got a sense of humor.
(yelling over each other)
- Where do you
take your pancake?
This is not my pancake
because I fed everybody
that we taken it,
you wanna take your pancake?
Hey, you wanna
take your pancake?
Take your pancake!
Take your pepperoni!
Take your cheese
and take your tomato,
and now, take 'em
back to the king!
(laughs)
That's your lousy pancake!
You could put 'em in
the oven for all I care.
- Hey, you know, this is not
too bad an idea, you know?
- What that?
- Huh, you take a look, I
think we've got something here.
- Eh, eh, eh, eh, just a minute.
- [Short Chef] Yeah?
- Listen, young boy.
- Yes?
- If this pancake, he
turn out to be a hit,
I want a pizza the action.
- Ah!
That's a good idea!
I think I know
what we can call it!
- What?
- Let's call it a hubcap!
- A hubcap?
(audience laughing)
La-da-di-da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(laughing) (audience applauding)
- And now, as part of
the educational section
of our program,
here is Goldie
Hawn, who will clarify
the reasons behind
overpopulation.
- The reason for overpopulation
is that there are more
people than there were before
because the old people today,
who used to be new people
before they came old,
who were really busy
makin' new people,
are still here.
First, they couldn't
move, but there,
there'd always be
people moving to and from
where they were moving from.
Besides, the freeways
are already full of people
moving from one
place to another,
and the trains are
not always on time.
Thank you.
Next week, I shall
explain why the trains
don't run on time.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(singing incoherently)
- Goodbye, Gladys.
See you at the wedding.
Bye, Tyrone, congratulations.
- Hi, Tyrone.
- [Woman] I hope you can use it.
- [Woman] Bye, Gladys.
Goodbye.
- [Gladys] Bye, now.
- See you at the wedding.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- Ah, ha, spiffy place
you have here. (laughs)
I've never seen you
more radiant, my sweet.
- Oh, this is nothing.
You should see the
new outfit the girls got me.
Oh, I can hardly
wait to put it on.
- Oh, I am breathless
with anticipation.
- Oh, all right, I'll do it now.
- Oh, yeah.
- No peekin', now!
- Oh, I promise.
- You promise?
- Oh, promise, promise.
- Boy Scout honor?
- (laughs) Gotta do
Boy Scout honors.
(laughs)
Are you changing,
my little pussycat?
- [Gladys] Almost ready!
(Tyrone laughing)
- [Tyrone] Ready!
- [Gladys] Here I come!
- [Tyrone] La-da-da-da!
(audience laughing)
- There!
All new!
(audience laughing)
How do I look?
- Oh!
I've never seen you
more radiant, my love.
- Oh, and that's not all.
You should see the other
present the girls got us
for our house.
- Oh?
- It's for both of
us to use at night.
- Uh-huh,
for both of us to use at night?
- Mm-hmm. (laughs)
- Oh, joy supreme, what is it?
- Our blankets.
- Oh! (laughs)
Our blankets, how wonderful.
- Here's mine and here's yours.
(audience laughing)
- Mine and yours?
- Certainly, two
beds, two blankets.
- Two beds, my sweet.
Whom have you
invited to join us?
- No one!
(gasps) Why, you didn't
think that we would actually!
(scatting)
(gasps) Why, Tyrone F. Horneigh,
what kind of a girl
do you think I am?
- I was hopin' to find out.
- Over my dead body!
- (laughs) I had hoped
for a little better than that.
- (gasps) Why,
Tyrone F. Horneigh!
Are you marrying
me just for my body?
- Oh-oh.
Nay.
Stay, thy wrathful hand,
my heart's true blood,
for before you stands
your ardent lover,
wracked by the tender
passions coursing hot-blooded
through the pulsating manhood
whose swelling breast here
palpitates in the burning
fervor of love's fulfillment.
Where are you going?
- I'm gonna return
one of the blankets.
(audience laughing)
- There goes a real great broad.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(humming)
(audience laughing)
(bell ringing)
- Hi, I'd like to see
a watch, please.
- You'd like to see
a watch, please.
- Something like a pocket watch.
- A pocket watch, please?
Well, here, we have
something here.
It comes from the (mumbles).
- Is it shock-proof?
- I see the shock-proof.
(glass shattering)
- You ninny, you and
your brother, Santa Claus.
(audience laughing)
- Sad boy!
He didn't buy nothing.
(lively music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat comedic music)
- Oh, Mr. Veatle. (snorting)
(upbeat comedic music)
That's omni-pee-tent.
Omni-pee-tent.
Potent, with an omni
in front of it. (snorts)
- I say that if people don't
like the high cost of living,
just let 'em try somethin' else.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Yes?
- Kindly old craftsman,
I hope that you can help me.
I don't understand,
my grandfather clock,
it stopped running.
- Stopped running?
- Yes.
- Just one second and I will see
what is wrong with
your grandfather clock.
(audience laughing)
(laughing comically)
No wonder!
Your grandfather is dead!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, tonight, Laugh-In
looks at the generation gap.
We're going to see what's
separating the young from the old.
- Georgie Jessel's
lawyer is here? (laughs)
- Come on, you know
the generation gap
refers to things that
divide the age groups.
You know what I mean.
Young people say there's
not enough understanding.
- Well, what do they
know, they're just kids.
- Well, that's just what I mean.
- It is?
- Frank, didn't
you ever disagree
with your parents, for example?
- Sure, but they were
too old to understand me.
- There you go,
the generation gap.
We've always had it.
One person being
cold and hostile
to the ideas of another.
- That's a generation gap?
- That's right.
- Oh, funny, you
know, that happened
last night with Francine.
Hey, Francine, (laughs)
we're part of the old
generation gap. (laughs)
- No, I'm talkin' about a
lack of communication.
- Oh, we communicated all right.
We just didn't have
anything to say to each other.
- Well, now what in the
world can you possibly do
with a girl you can't talk to?
- Well, now, let's see, how
much time do we have?
- Well, not nearly enough.
Here's our look at
the generation gap.
(upbeat music)
- Gee, Dad, thanks for
taking me to this swell movie.
(laughs)
You know, I never coulda
gotten in without you.
- That's right,
son, that's right.
Tell me, son, what did
you think of the movie?
- Oh, wow,
yeah, I thought that
the boy's reaction
to the girl's
sadomasochistic tendencies
certainly justified the
perversion towards the end,
but I found that the
hedonistic overtendencies
were just too
much to struggle for.
- I just thought it
was a dirty movie.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- The trouble with the
younger generation is
too many of us don't
belong to it anymore.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Pop, can I use the car?
I gotta do my homework.
- Oh, homework in
driver's education?
- (laughs) Sex education!
I'mma drive over to the library.
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- There's just something
about the campus in autumn,
the leaves changing color,
the pungent aroma
of burning draft cards,
not to mention, the
swell smell of fresh grass.
Mm-mm, that's what
I call higher learning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well?
- Sweetheart, you
look just like a teenager!
- Oh, thank you, dear.
- Sweetheart!
- What?
- You look just like a teenager!
- Well, watch your language!
(loud punching) (groans)
(audience laughing)
Gotcha, El Skinny. (laughs)
I may be petite, but I'm strong.
- I don't know how much longer
it can go on like
this, you know?
I'm on booze and
my wife is on tranquilizers,
the older boy is smoking grass,
and the oldest girls
are on pep pills, and
the youngest sniffs glue.
We've only got one
kid in the whole family
who's not on anything.
- Well, what's his bag?
- I don't know, none of
us can get through to him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Oedipus was the first man
to close the generation gap.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, baby.
You know, you're
really a groove.
You think we ought to
get married or something?
- Yeah, why not?
(audience laughing)
- Good, I'll tell the kids.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- You know there's
a generation gap
when you're too young to
vote but old enough to go to war.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Shirley, where
you going, Shirley?
- Out on a date, why?
= Why?
Well, have a look at you.
17 years old, wearin'
all kinds of mini skirts,
puttin' all that
makeup on your face,
and havin' a half a dozen
dates with different boys.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
- Oh, you're just
too old fashioned.
I don't know why I
ever married you!
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
there is a great deal to be said
for the tasteful
male-female relationship,
just so long as this
dangerous assault
on our moral fiber
remains controlled,
and at all times, very
tasteful, don't you see?
Thank you.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- We come to report
that our son ran away.
- Yeah, and I
can't understand it.
We did everything for him.
And what a time
he picked to do it.
I'm due in Chicago tomorrow
at a business conference.
Had to cancel my golf
lesson this morning.
Tonight, I'll probably
miss my lodge meeting.
- Why did he do it now?
- I don't know.
- It'll mean changing
my whole schedule!
Oh, and to top it
all off, this week,
I'm chair lady at
our PTA meeting.
- Okay, describe
the kid, height?
- Hmm?
- Height.
- Height.
- Uh, oh, I'd say somewhere
between four, five, six feet.
- Yeah, somewhere in there.
- Color of eyes?
- Blue.
- Brown.
(audience laughing)
They're sort of brownish-blue.
- Color of hair?
- Black.
- Blonde.
(audience laughing)
- Blonde, yeah, he is.
Blonde, takes after her.
- Okay, now, just
give me his first name.
- Howard.
- Harold.
- Howard.
- Harold!
- Howard!
- Would you make up your mind?
- Harold, Howard, what
difference does it make?
He's our son, we miss him.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Our morals
really aren't so bad.
Some girls, on the first date,
still won't kiss
you good morning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Well, that's our look
at the generation gap.
- It sure taught
me a thing or two.
- I'm delighted to hear it.
- Sure, from now on, I
am never, never, never
gonna date a girl over 22.
- Oh, really?
- I'm sorry, Francine,
but you're over the hill.
But don't worry, there's
always Georgie Jessel.
- There is no truth to the rumor
that President Nixon will
start his war on pollution
by whitewashing
Secretary Hickel.
(audience laughing)
So, if you hear
it, don't believe it.
(audience laughing)
(loud chomping)
- Oh, you know, Danny,
it's so, the thing about,
well, first of all, when you,
I couldn't, when I heard,
George told me, he said
that you would be coming,
and I couldn't, when I
first, I was so ex, because,
you know, first of
all, I went to Las,
I wanted to get into, you know,
when you were doing
your thing, and I couldn't,
they said, I couldn't
even get a seat
because they
wouldn't even let me,
and you were all
completely sold,
and I didn't know
what else to do,
and when I, but
when you, and the day,
and you had those funny, you
were wearing those funny shoes,
I couldn't, and when I saw
you, I said it was so fantas,
I was so excited
because I don't know when
I've been so, it's never
been a moment like,
it's so, it's something
that I've been looking for,
because you're
internationally famous, so...
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- Farkel.
- If you insist.
(feet tapping)
- That's beauty-Farkel-ful.
(lively music) (humming)
(bell ringing)
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
That gold watch you sold me,
it turned my skin green.
Can you do something about it?
- Certainly.
I will sell you a green watch
to go with your green skin!
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
(sneezing) (clattering)
Hello?
- Would it do any
good to mention
that I'm a personal friend
of Annette Funicello?
(audience laughing)
Or Dr. Schwarzman?
(audience laughing)
Does the name Ima
Goldman ring a bell?
(audience laughing)
My father's a judge.
(audience laughing)
- How dare you burp
in front of me, sir!
- Terribly sorry, old chap.
Didn't know it was your turn.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(laughing)
(balloon popping)
(laughing)
- How many of you realize
that it's not so important
what we say, as
it is how we say it.
Let's take a simple
little word like oh.
(whistling)
(audience laughing)
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(laughs)
(clears throat)
- Oh?
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
Oh.
Oh?
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh! (laughing hysterically)
Oh!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh!
(laughing)
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
(romantic music)
Oh.
Oh.
- Oh?
- Oh.
- Oh!
Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
(smooching loudly)
- Oh-oh!
- Oh.
Oh! (laughs)
Oh!
Oh.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(bell ringing)
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
My watch band is broken
and the main spring is shot,
and the arms are bent,
and the face is broken.
What do you think?
- I think I am falling
in love with you.
What is your name, young man?
- Folks, there is absolutely
no truth to the rumor
that Lester Maddox
digs soul food.
So, if you see him out for
dinner, you know that's no grits!
- There is no truth to the
rumor that Jo Anne Worley
learned how to
whisper in a sawmill.
- There is absolutely
no truth to the rumor
that offshore drilling
will be halted in California
when the first oil slick
appears off San Clemente!
(audience laughing)
So, when you
hear it, my friends,
please just ignore it!
(audience laughing)
- This is my betrothed,
Tyrone F. Horneigh.
(mumbling)
- Now, daughter, if
you just run along,
I have some business to discuss
that is a pure delicacy,
and you will excuse us.
(laughing) (coughing)
(audience laughing)
Well, now,
I understand you want
my daughter's hand.
- Well, I was hoping for
a little better than that.
(audience laughing)
- Don't move, son.
- Oh, this is part of my game.
- I hear tell you are
a man of substance.
- Oh, well, yeah.
- You have
interest, I presume?
Properties and
holdings and things?
- Holdings, holdings, yeah.
Well, I have some
minor interests
in the bicycle seat industry.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Horny...
- Horneigh.
(audience laughing)
Horneigh.
- Horneigh.
- Horneigh.
Accent umlaut over the E-I-G-H.
- Horneigh!
- Horneigh!
- I like you.
- Good.
- I (coughs) like you.
- Good, good.
- Horneigh, I feel I
can approach you,
not as a Horneigh,
but as an Ormphby.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm gonna take you
into my confidence
on the matter of some
vast economic importance.
- Economic importance.
- Exactly.
- Whoa!
- Since you are a man
enjoying regular employment,
I feel certain that you
will respond to this appeal.
- Oh.
What appeal?
- Could you let me have
three bucks till pay day?
(audience laughing)
- When is pay day?
- How should I know
when pay day is?
You're the one with the job.
(audience laughing)
- Well,
unfortunately, my
investment portfolio
is in my other sweatshirt.
- Well, give it no mind.
You have my blessing,
Horneigh, you certainly do.
Well, I shall be leaving now.
I'm gonna leave you in the
very good hands of my daughter.
(audience laughing)
- How'd you make out with Daddy?
- Well, very fascinating.
Daddy made out a
little better than I did.
(audience laughing)
My dear, it was touch and go.
- Touch and go?
- Precisely, my pigeon.
He touched me for everything
I had, and he was gone.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(popping)
(whistling)
(upbeat comedic music)
Matrimony, applause,
applause, applause.
- Hi!
(lively music)
(all blowing raspberry)
- Are you gonna say goodnight?
- All you have to do is ask.
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- I got my girlfriend
a birthday present
that'll show her
how much I love her:
a cigarette lighter
that doesn't work.
(audience laughing)
- I know an NBC vice president
who only gets 10
minutes for lunch
because they don't
want him to forget his job.
(audience laughing)
- My girlfriend said
she thinks her husband
is the world's greatest lover,
but she hasn't been able
to catch him at it! (laughs)
- Now, that's cute.
I saw a girl wearing
a mini skirt in the rain,
and it shrank
something wonderful1
- Ask any woman her age
and nine times out of 10,
she'll guess wrong.
(audience laughing)
- Did you know
that the tattooed lady
got a divorce from
the rubber man
because, well, he kept
erasing her best pictures.
- No, I didn't.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you think that's
something. (laughs)
There is a new
deodorant on the market
and it's called Ventriloquist,
it doesn't solve your problems,
but, how you say,
the fellow next to you
will think it's him.
(audience laughing)
(laughs)
- [Man] Hey, Henry!
- Marilyn...
- Hey, Henry!
- (laughs) Marilyn...
- [Man] Hey, Henry!
(laughs)
- Listen, listen to this one.
- [Dan] I will listen.
- My grandfather knew
the Marquis de Sade
when he was just a
young whippersnapper.
(audience laughing)
- The best way to stop
the noise in your car
is to let your wife
drive it, you big dummy!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Henry and I have been
talking, he has a problem.
Listen, Henry!
Trust me, I'm no good for you.
Don't feel bad, I'm sure
there are just lots of girls
out in the world, how you say,
that could make you much
happier than I ever, ever could
in your fondest dreams. (laughs)
- I'm smothering!
- What do you
say to that, shorty?
- Do you need a
girl, hey, Henry?
- I know they
could, but they won't.
- Won't what? (laughs)
- No one remembers.
- You wanna hear
a really great one?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Aren't you that
French fellow that...
- Yeah, but I'm a
different one now.
Yeah, remember Jerome?
- Jerome?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sure.
- Well, I know a boss
whose secretary is so ugly
that when he chases her
around the desk, he walks.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of (mumbles)...
- Oh, shut up!
(laughing)
(upbeat music)
(crashing)
- It was the devil who
made me wear this outfit.
- Very, very interesting.
But I never heard so much
double entenenderende in my lifes.
(laughing)
- Wolfgang.
- Eh?
- Where in the world did
you learn to speak French?
- Well, I spent
three years in Paris.
- Fighting?
- No, hiding.
- The proceeding
program was prerecorded.
This program, or
any portion thereof,
may not be rebroadcast
or reproduced
without the express
written consent
of the National Football League.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Lucy.
I would surrender
to you any time.
And as for you, Gary,
I take no prisoners.
Oh, Mr. Gilligan,
we'd like to invite
you and Ms. Kitty,
Fester, and Doc
to the dock,
to the wedding of
Tyrone with Gladys.
But wear clean boots.
(audience laughing)
(clapping)
(bright chiming)
(clapping)