Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 23 - Episode #3.23 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hello, I'm Peter Sellers.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Tonight I will be seen
in the role of Ringo Starr.
(audience laughing)
You know Great Britain
has had its problems.
There was Christine Keeler,
there was the devalued
pound and, of course,
there was us.
(audience laughing)
And now for the bad news.
Despite overwhelming
objections, tonight Ringo Starr
presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, nothing I can do.
(audience laughing)
- Stay tuned for
the Farkle Family,
when Ferd Berfle says,
- The Farkles are coming,
the Farkles are coming!
(tap shoes tapping)
(audience laughing)
- Will the gentleman who is
making the obscene phone calls
to me at KL5-4039
please, please stop.
My number has been
changed to KL4-3988.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Ringo,
so long as you're here
in Southern California,
you really oughta
visit Disneyland.
- Really?
- Oh, you'll love it, there's
so many things to see,
so many things to do.
It's just wonderful.
People wandering
around in a daze,
it's just a fantasyland.
- We've got something
like that in England.
- Oh?
- We call it Parliament.
(audience laughing)
- Can you say that
on British television?
- [Man 1] I tell you, we
gotta get guns to protect us
from those extremists!
- [Man 2] I tell you,
we gotta have guns
to protect ourselves from
them gun-totin' radicals!
(audience laughing)
- Goldie, you were just
wonderful in Cactus Flower.
- Yep, you know, people
found out that you were not
just a cuckoo little blonde,
but a very talented actress.
- Right.
- Well if it's that
good, I oughta see it.
- See it, well, you were in it.
- Really? How was I?
(audience laughing)
- You were great.
- Well, why do you
want me to see it?
- Well I do want you to see it.
- Well I don't
have to, I was in it.
You know, Dan?
It's awful lonely at the top.
(audience laughing)
- She's right, you know.
- Oh how would you know?
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Annex
of Buckingham Palace,
NBC takes another chop at
Ringo Starr's presentation of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring black-belt Dan Rowan,
and below the belt, Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
the lovely and talented
Peter Sellers, appearing
tonight as Ringo Starr.
And Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy
Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and our own vocal majority,
- [Gary And Audience]
Jo Anne Worley.
- Also promising to
be better persons are
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rogers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with an important message for
people looking for a
brand-new taste sensation.
Put a sardine on a
marshmallow and eat it
while we bring you
these following words.
(audience laughing)
- othin' says lovin' like
somethin' from the oven.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please stand by.
Our producer, CFG, is
arguing with a sponsor
that it is not time
for a commercial.
Yes, yes, I believe
our producers won
and there will be no commercial.
So here's lovely Jo
Anne Worley to sing...
(music)
- Ringo, which was
your favorite hit record?
- I Wanna Hold Your Hand.
(audience laughing)
- Now will you tell me which
was your favorite hit record?
- You're adorable,
and you're weird.
- Well you're the freako
that wanted to hold my hand.
(audience laughing)
- So if you would just
step back the screen,
remove your clothes,
I'll be right with you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, my mother was
a June Taylor dancer,
for heaven's sake.
(audience laughing)
(curtain rod swishing)
(thumping)
(audience laughing)
(groovy music)
(raining)
(audience laughing)
(music continues)
(audience laughing)
(rain stops)
(music continues)
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Well, fook, here we go again!
(audience laughing)
- Now here's the scam
on what it's all about.
Dick and Dan gonna
let it all hang out.
(audience laughing)
- crest.
I just found...
- Oh, do you brush
your teeth with it?
- Oh, no, no, I just found out
I come from a long
line of Puritans.
My ancestors go all the
way back to Plymouth Rock.
- Well, that's funny, I
just came from a long line
of chorus girls, they go all
the way back to Las Vegas.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about genealogy.
- Right, the account of
descendency of a person of family
from ancestral predecessors.
- Why that's right.
- Of course, that's
right, I'm an expert.
- Well, I'm flabbergasted.
- Flabbergasted, let's see,
that's an old German name
from a Bavarian area called
Schwieschling-on-the Holstein.
- Schlieswing?
- Schlieswing, oh
you've changed it.
- You've certainly
shown an amazing grasp
of a terribly complex subject.
- That's funny, that's
just what Ethel said.
- Ethel?
- My genealogist.
- Well, has she uncovered
anything interesting?
- No, certainly not.
This is strictly business!
(audience laughing)
- I mean, what has she found
out about your ancestors?
- Woo hoo hoo (laughs).
- Really had some dandies, huh?
- Talk about swingers.
You know, I'll bet I
got the only family tree
with an X rating.
(audience laughing)
- I'll bet you do.
You probably have to be
accompanied by an adult
just to get into your family.
(audience laughing)
- Me, too (laughs).
- You know, for instance,
there was old Stonewall Martin.
- Stonewall Martin?
- He was a hero
of the revolution.
- The famous minuteman.
- Yes, he was,
as a matter of fact.
You know, I'll never
forget his rallying cry
that stirred all of Boston.
- Oh really?
- No, O'Reilly.
(audience laughing)
The husbands are coming,
the husbands are coming!
That was his stirring cry
- That was his stirring cry
- [Both] That
roused all of Boston.
- You seem to
have taken after him.
- Well, so did half
of the colonial army.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this is all
very interesting.
Is Ethel about finished
delving into your progenitors?
- I certainly hope not.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I must say you have
some fascinating antecedents.
- A-ha, you think that
mine are somethin',
you ought to see Ethel's.
(audience laughing)
- There's really no
time to see Ethel's
because we got
to go to the party.
Oh, and Ethel's
invited, and so are you.
- Are you sure
don't wanna see...
- No, I don't wanna see...
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- Do you know the
hippies are still demanding
free expression,
sexual liberalization,
and legalized drugs.
About the only thing they're
not demanding is jobs.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, commercialism
has invaded the churches.
Now, one congregation
prays, "Give us this day
"our daily
vitamin-enriched bread."
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, last night, Boris took
me to see The Wild Bunch
and I really would
rather have, how you say,
gone to see the movie.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, the toy manufacturers
have done it again.
They have a new war
game called Vietnam.
It's an adult game
played by young people,
the rules are
impossible to understand,
and nobody can win.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Yesterday, I was correctin'
the way my daughter-in-law
is raisin' her children, and I
pointed out how lucky she is
to have me helpin' her.
Why, when I was her
age, my mother-in-law
was a meddlin' ole busybody.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Say, wouldn't you like
to come up to my place?
- Just the two of us?
- Uh-hmm.
- Think what might happen.
Dick, Dick?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Mr. Rozhmenko?
- Huh? Oh.
- I wanted to ask you, are
you impressed by our industry?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Roman,
I'm very much impressed
from your industry and, for
example, every six months,
to Santa Barbara
they give an oil change.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(grunt) (coins clinking)
- Oh, Alan.
- Somebody just told me
there's marijuana
in canary food.
I've got to get home before
the fuzz busts my bird.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Goldie, - Yeah, yeah.
- What do you think about
Planned Parenthood?
- Well, that's silly,
because nobody can judge
who their parents are gonna be.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- We rich people
have our problems, too.
One of my girlfriends
recently was so despondent,
she committed suicide.
Of course, it was
tastefully done.
She had her chauffeur
drive her over a cliff.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Yesterday I went
to the Draft Board
while my boyfriend took his
Army physical, and guess what?
They made me an honorary recruit
and gave me a physical, too.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Jeremy!
- Hello, Dick,
what a surprise.
- Is it true that the
English papers are all filled
with sensational reports
of sex and violence?
- Oh, yes, Dick,
you see, in England,
we love to hear what's
happening in America.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Oh, forgive me, I
should have known better
than to offer you a cigarette.
I know you're the head of
the anti-smoking movement.
- Oh, no, no, I'm chairman
of the anti-vice movement.
- Oh, well, I knew
there was something
I shouldn't offer you.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- You're, um... You are...
- Pop music, records, British.
- Engelbert Humperdink.
- Close enough.
(audience laughing)
And you're, um,
who, who, you're, uh,
- Hello Dolly, Hello Dolly.
- Of course, I'd
recognize you anywhere,
Pearl Bailey.
(timpani drum beat)
(audience laughing)
- Henry, when you said we could
make beautiful music
together, I never dreamt
this is what you had in mind.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I didn't either,
I thought you
were a saxophonist.
(audience laughing)
(tuba playing)
- Stay tuned for the Farkle
Family, when the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkle,
confront each other face-to-face,
as Simon says, - Which one am I?
- You're the other one.
(audience laughing)
(breaking tires squealing)
(music)
(flute playing)
(bell dinging)
(audience laughing)
(man and woman humming)
- Oh, before you get in
bed, you'd better call the dog.
- Oh, right.
(telephone buttons clicking)
(audience laughing)
- Hello, yeah, yeah, Rover?
Yeah, you can come in
now, it's time to come in.
(audience laughing)
Right.
(music)
'll build a home for you
We'll all go out
catch 10 of these.
And go to Timbuktu.
(laughing)
- What's he singin' about?
- Oh, that's great.
Gladys has finally said yes.
- She's goin' to the
swings with him?
- No, they're gonna get married.
Congratulations.
- And then she'll go
to the swings with me (laughs).
- You romantic
devil, you (laughs).
Say, what kind of a ring
you're gonna get her, huh?
A big diamond,
emerald, pearl, huh?
- Oh, ring, ring, oh
yeah, yeah (laughs).
- Got a ring?
- That's the ring,
look at that, now.
(audience laughing)
- That's a cigar band!
- Hey, listen, I know a
guy'll give you a real bargain.
You can't give her a cigar band.
- I guess you're right, she
probably doesn't smoke anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Cough. (coughs)
- Cough. (coughs)
- Cough again, please. (coughs)
- Wow (clucks tongue).
- What is it, doctor?
- Well, I'm gonna
have to stop smokin'.
(audience laughing)
(engine idling)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Dan, have you seen
the Magic Christian?
- No, but I ran into a
tricky Moslim last week.
(audience laughing)
Hey, you're a great
straight man, Ringo.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for a new
department on Laugh-In.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, if you'd pay
more attention, Teresa,
you'd find out what's goin' on.
(audience laughing)
It's certainly been
no secret all week that
we're going to do a
brand-new department
and I'm gonna introduce
it on the show tonight.
- (Laughs) well, I'm
certainly glad you did then,
and I hope you
enjoyed it at home, folks,
as much as I did
right here watching it.
- We haven't done
it yet, you yin yang.
- That's yan ying.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlmen,
your attention please.
(drumroll playing)
Time now for another
new Laugh-In department.
(fanfare music)
After months of
research and study,
we were able to
bring to you tonight...
(fanfare music)
- [Both] For the
first time anywhere,
(fanfare music)
- My new Laugh-In department,
which will be known as...
(fanfare music)
Miscellaneous!
(audience laughing)
- I can't get any sleep, the
walls in these apartments
have got to be
made out of paper.
- (Laughs) Oh, come on,
honey, you're exaggerating.
Don't be silly.
Just have a cigarette
and try and relax a little bit.
- Okay.
- It'll be good for you.
- You got a match?
(wallboard breaking)
(audience laughing)
(rustling)
- I understand your
boyfriend's a perfect gentleman
at all times, Pammy.
- Yeah, but it's better
than no boyfriend at all.
(audience laughing)
(timpani drumming)
- Jeremy, Jeremy Lloyd.
Don't you remember me?
I'm Ringo Starr.
We worked together in
Hard Day's Night, Help!,
The Magic Christian.
- Now really, I only had
a small part, you know.
You can't expect me to
remember everybody (laughs).
(audience laughing)
- It's time again.
- What?
- Yes,
we come to the Amazing Metrado.
(singing fanfare music)
(singing fanfare
music continues)
(knocking)
(bonking)
(singing fanfare music)
(audience applauding)
- Because there's so
much confusion regarding
the recently-passed
Truth in Lending Law,
Laugh-In's Department
of Clarification now offers,
as a public service, this
simple, concise explanation.
- The Truth in Lending
Law works like this.
See, the finance charge
is the monthly charge
charged against the previous
charge less the past payments
and might also include a
late charge for nonpayment
of the previous unpaid balance
charge, but that's separate.
And besides, I don't
understand it as well as the other.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
- Aloha, friends,
Romans, and countrymen,
lend me your ears.
(Laughs) remember that one?
(audience laughing) Today,
we are going to learn
foreign-type word.
Today, we are going
to discuss la cucaracha,
or roach, verstehen?
Roach, el buggo,
squirmo (laughs).
La cucaracha.
♪ La cucaracha la cucarocha
either pronunciation is correct,
either either or either,
whatever turns you on,
so to speak,
(audience laughing)
to coin a phrase.
Next week, we're going
to discuss le papier,
for instance, le papier
de la tante sur la tub,
(audience laughing)
which means the paper of
my tante is in the bathtub.
(audience laughing)
Yick!
The bonus phrase for today,
if you've been
paying attention is
soup de jour and specialte du
maisson du la carriage house,
(laughs)
which means soup's on the house!
(audience laughing)
Chiao, muchachos, al fumo.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Teresa, how'd you
like my new department?
- Well, Gold, it was, um...
- Please don't go any further,
you know how hard I cry.
(psychedelic music)
(bleating)
(fanfare music)
- Line to come.
- Here they come now.
- Oh.
(flute music)
(old man singing)
- Chivalry, chivalry.
- Oh.
(slapping wood)
(old man singing)
- More chivalry.
(audience laughing)
(old man laughing)
(grunting)
- This is my friend, Mister,
uh, what's your name?
- Smith, Jim Smith.
No, no, no, it's
Jones, John Jones.
(audience laughing)
Look, I have just the thing
that you are lookin' for, kid.
You came to the right place.
- [Old Man] Oh.
(audience laughing)
And if you don't like this, I
got some more in the back,
but I think I can find
somethin' for you.
And I have just what
you were lookin' for.
- [Old Man] Ohhhh (laughs).
- Um-hmm, that's it.
- (Laughs) Miss Ormphby,
Mr. Martin here says
this ruby matches the
overpowering passion
that dwells in
your heart (laughs).
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
How about this one here?
- [Old Man] Ohhhh (laughs).
Miss Ormphby, Mr. Rowan
here says this is the gem
to fill the void of
your maidenly bosom.
(gasping) (smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Strike two, okay.
Now take a look at this.
This is a ring
with a personality.
It's got a setting to
match your personality,
it's very old.
- Oh!
(repeated smacking)
(audience laughing)
Come, Tyrone,
we'll go to Tiffany's.
I saw just what I wanted,
a big expensive diamond.
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(audience laughing)
- Say, Tyrone, sorry about that.
- (Mumbling).
- What plans do you have
following the honeymoon?
- Lookin' forward to a
speedy recovery (laughs).
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Boiled Eggs, by Henry Gibson.
Boiled eggs are okay
if you don't have
to look at them.
The best way is to
simply to ignore 'em
and go on talking to the pepper.
Just think of them as pancakes.
If it were not for boiled eggs,
we would be without gulp.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Ringo Starr.
You know, musicians
have a terrible reputation.
Tell me, have you
ever been busted?
- No, and obviously,
neither have you.
- Oh!
(repeated smacking)
(audience laughing)
- How do you like
that, Magic Christian?
(fanfare music)
- Would you step
behind the screen, miss,
and remove your clothing?
(saloon piano music)
(objects hitting floor)
(audience laughing)
I think I love you.
(audience laughing)
(curtain rod swishing)
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I can hardly wait
to see your new picture,
The Magic Christian.
What was it like
working in that galley
with 80 topless slaves, hmm?
- Topless?
I thought they were
wearing water wings.
(audience laughing)
Where's my manager?
(paper crumpling)
(paper rustling)
- Flu epidemic breaks out.
(paper rustling)
Thousands homeless.
(paper rustling)
And now for the bad news.
(fanfare music)
(woman singing
in foreign language)
- Which means...
(belly dancing music)
- From the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse yous.
(women ululating)
We just love to
give you our views
(woman ululating)
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- [All] Here's Dan.
(women ululating)
(audience applauding)
- Enough.
(women ululating)
And now, the
news of the present.
Here's the man who for
the news wouldn't be news
without the news, here's Dick.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- We've finally run amok.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California,
the NBC television network
today announced the
provisions of its new contract
with Johnny Carson.
After weeks of
bitter negotiations,
Carson finally agreed
to work Thanksgiving,
Christmas, and
the Fourth of July.
NBC, in return, agreed
that Carson would be off
for the rest of the year.
(audience laughing)
Los Angeles, David
Attenborough, inventor of the
solar-powered car,
declared today, "This car,"
and I quote, "This car
powered by the rays of the sun
"and produces no smog,
we'll find out whether or not
"I've got something here if
the smog ever clears up enough
"to let the sun shine through."
(audience laughing)
Now, take it away, Goldie.
(drumroll playing)
- I got somethin' in my eye.
- [Dan] It shouldn't affect
your speech any, Goldie.
- (Laughs) Ladies and gentlemen,
with great pride and
pleasure that is that I introduce
one of the foremost
entertainers of our time,
Mr. Dan Rowan to do the
Future News for you (laughs).
- Aw, you did that...
- Can I have a new eye?
- Thank you very much.
(audience laughing)
You did it very well, Goldie,
even with something in your eye.
- Yeah, well, why not, Dan?
I mean it's a simple
as ABD, AM and FM.
(audience laughing)
Earth 2970, a thousand
years from now.
Tragedy struck the three
hundred trillion people
covering the American
continent today when an old man
in Trenton, New Jersey,
stumbled, causing everyone else
in the United
States to fall down.
(audience laughing)
You see, there's gonna be
a population explosion, wow.
Dateline Tokyo, 1990,
20 years from now.
A spokesman for Geisha
Airlines announced today,
that's the first time
they've ever come after us.
A spokesman for Geisha
Airlines announced today
the development of the
first Japanese jumbo jet.
It has six transistors, is
eight and a half feet long,
and seats 327 passengers.
(audience laughing)
- Hello from Hollywood,
where your roving reporter,
Ruthie Buzzi, just got
a hot flash (laughs).
While shooting a western on
location in the Mojave Desert,
film star Don Rickles
was bitten on the leg
by a rattlesnake.
A fatal seizure followed.
However, filming was
resumed immediately
after the burial of
the snake (laughs).
(audience laughing)
That's all from your
busy buddy Buzzi,
here in Tinseltown (laughs).
Kissy, kissy.
(audience laughing)
- And now, Indian fans,
Laugh-In goes back to that
hysterical moment when
ze white man and ze Indian
come to terms.
I think that is fantastic!
- Um, smoother,
milder, mellower.
- Say, flavor lasts and lasts.
Make out better both ends.
- No harsh aftertaste,
make nerves all calm.
- Chief, what is
that stuff called?
- We call it tobacco.
- Hmm, could I have some?
I could sell it.
- You can have it all.
- Hmm, do you know what I
can get with all that tobacco?
- Of course we do (coughs).
That's why you can
(coughs) have it all.
(audience laughing)
(women ululating)
- adies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(women ululating)
(audience applauding)
- 50% of the children today
are receivin' sex education.
Now that they
teach it in the school,
the other half are
gonna learn, too.
(audience laughing)
- Ringo, tell me, how's
Laugh-In goin' down in England?
- Slowly but surely.
- Have this one shaved
and sent to my room.
- Teresa, you are also weird.
- Well, different strokes
for different folks.
- Teresa, I think I love you.
- You're in a lot of trouble.
- And now, folks, friends
and fellow Farkle followers,
another fun-filled frolic with
the fabulous Farkle Family
and their friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
As we folly on the
Farkles at 545 55th Street
and Fourth Place,
father, Fred Farkle says...
- Hi, I'm Fannie Farkle.
This is my husband,
Frank Farkle,
our children, Mark, Sparkle
Farkle, Fritz and Fred Farkle,
and the twins, Simon
and Gar Farkle, and her,
- Hiii!
- Flicker Farkle.
That's the whole bunch.
- Yeah, we're a whole
bunch of Farkles, and this is
our good friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
Any news, Ferd?
- Yes, Frank, today's
your wedding anniversary.
- Of course, the anniversary
of a happy marriage,
blessed with six
children and her.
- Hiiii!
- I can never forget.
Which anniversary is it, Ferd?
- Third.
- Third, Ferd?
- Third, Frank.
- Thanks, Ferd.
Ah, yes, I remember the pastor
who presided at our pairing,
Parson Peter P. Perkins.
I can see his face
before me now,
I shall remember him always.
(doorbell ringing)
I wonder who that is.
- I'm Parson Perkins,
remember me?
- No, I can't say I do.
- I married you.
- Impossible, I'm
already married.
- I presided at your
pairing, remember?
Parson Peter P. Perkins?
- Peter P. Perkins, ah,
yes. I'm Frank Farkle.
Parson Peter P.
Perkins, Franny Farkle.
Peter, Fannie, Fannie, Peter.
Mark and Sparkle
Farkle, Peter P.,
Peter P., Simon and Gar Farkle,
as far as Peter and
her, Flicker Farkle.
- [Flicker] Hiiii!
- Parson, Flicker, Peter,
Farkle, Fritz and Fred,
Peter, Fred, Fritz and, of
course, our friend, Ferd Berfel.
Parson Perkins,
Ferd (stammering).
Ferd was the best
man at our wedding.
- Glad to do it.
- I actually remember, and I
remember you saying, "I do."
Do you remember saying, "I do"?
- No, I can't say I do.
- Can't say he did either.
- I remember when
you said, "I do."
- I remember when
she said, "I do," too.
- And you still believe in her?
- I still believe in her, too.
- A perfect example
of marital fidelity
to show my pretty
wife, Priscilla Perkins,
the former Priscilla Paley
of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
- Perfect, Priscilla is
presently planing in
on Pan-Am from Pittsburgh.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
(doorbell ringing)
- I wonder who that could be.
- Priscilla.
- Peter.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
(whimsical music)
- Farkles.
- Okay, but just this once.
(tap shoes tapping)
(bullet whizzing by)
- I would like to knock off
the whole Farkle Family.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, yes, you see this?
Now you use this clip inside
of your pocket to hold it in.
It's used to send messages.
Be very careful to unscrew
the top before you use it.
- What is it?
- It's called a fountain pen.
(audience laughing)
(bird calls)
(whimsical music)
- Welcome to our hotel,
sir, would you like a room
with a tub or a shower?
- What's the difference?
- Well, in a tub, you sit down.
(audience laughing)
(flute music playing)
- Ringo, has fame and
fortune changed your life at all?
- No, it's just brought
me fame and fortune.
- [Both] Something
in the way he moves
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to see if you can
interest me in an old car.
- Well, step right
in, I'll do my best.
- Ah-Ha (laughs).
Are you sure this isn't naughty?
(laughing)
- All right, class,
can anybody name
three famous American Indians?
Henry?
- I can.
Burt Lancaster, Richard
Widmark, and Tony Curtis.
(audience laughing)
- The double-humped
camel is not a dromedary,
and don't you forget it.
(airplane engines whining)
(metal crashing)
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Do you realize that if
all the cars in the U.S.
were placed end-to-end,
it would just be an
average Sunday afternoon?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Hello.
I saw you standing
here alone, and I,
I knew somehow
that you were different.
Different for wanting all this,
the strange loneliness
of primitive beauty,
the sea, boiling,
churning, swirling, look at it.
(audience laughing)
I'm Jeannie.
Jeannie Beager of the
Chicago Beager fortune,
meatpacking and lard rendering.
(audience laughing)
Oh, but I hated it, all of it.
Narrow conventions,
petty interests,
I'm sick of it,
sick, sick to death.
Sick.
Have you ever really
been sick of something?
Oh, I knew you'd
understand, somehow I knew.
My husband never understood.
He would never face our
problems, he always tried to
suppress everything.
(gagging) (audience laughing)
You know, there are
certain things in life that you,
you just can't keep
down, can you?
(audience laughing)
They just have to come up.
(audience laughing)
So I left him.
I just couldn't go on with it.
Have you ever hated
every moment of every day
of having to go on doing
something you can't stand?
- [Man] We're ready
to sail, Captain.
(gagging)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- A friend of mine just
bought a houseboat.
In the front it has crab
grass with real crabs.
- Is that a naughty line?
- No, it's a salt water gotcha.
(60s dance music)
(airplane engine whining)
(cork popping)
(airplane engines whining)
(60s dance music)
- With the new planes going
faster than the speed of sound,
you can now talk
behind your own back.
(audience laughing)
- Would you raise your
seat for an upright position
for landing, please?
(clicking)
- Oh!
Aha!
(60s dance music)
- Airlines keep telling us that
flying is the safest
way to travel.
How much consideration
have they given to walking?
(audience laughing)
(airplane guns firing)
- I'm sorry, sir, but the
no-smoking sign is on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
Is that more safe if it's out?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- As an airline hostess,
what frightens me most
about a flight are
usually the men over 40.
- Is that a naughty line?
- No, that's a
supersonic gotcha.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- What is it Miss Kimble?
- Captain, this passenger
says he wants to go to Cuba.
- Well, we're over Cuba now.
- Yeah, well that's
where I want to go.
- All right.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- At least I think that's
Cuba down there.
- You have another drink coming.
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
(high-pitched buzzing)
(brakes squealing)
(audience laughing)
(airplane engine whining)
(60s dance music)
- Flying is not dangerous.
Flying is not dangerous.
Landing is dangerous.
(audience laughing)
(drumroll playing)
- Well, gentlemen, today you
have all received your wings.
- I haven't.
- All except you, of
course, Whinestock.
I want you to know I'm sorry
about Whinestock washing out,
but I know that, no
matter what happens,
Whinestock will go on to
bigger and better things.
- I want my wings.
- God forbid, some day,
Whinestock will be a bombadier.
- No.
- Maybe Whinestock
will be a gunner.
- No, I want to fly.
- I know that Whinestock
will never be deterred...
- I'm deterred.
- Because this is the
United States Air Force.
- Don't care, I wanna
play with my friends.
- And the United States
Air Force builds men.
- I don't care.
- And no matter what
Whinestock finds in the future,
whether it's good or
bad, I know he can take it.
- No I can't.
- Yes you can.
- No I can't.
- Yes you can.
- No I can't.
- Oh, yes you can.
- No I can't.
- My hat's off to Whinestock.
- No, don't touch me.
- Gentlemen, I wish you
had the kind of courage
that Whinestock has, yes sir,
on the beaches, in the air,
to victory, good luck, men!
- Good luck, men.
- Good luck, men.
- Good luck, men.
Oh, Captain, please
don't, give me my wings.
- No, Whinestock.
- I wanna fly
with my men.
- Not now, Whinestock.
- I wanna go
into the glorious
(whining), Captain.
- Let go, under my orders.
(dramatic music)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- That's tonight's look
at the wonderful world
of Timothy Leary
and Raquel Welch.
- Oh, I get it (laughs),
the high and the mighty.
(audience laughing)
- No.
(fanfare music playing)
- What was that?
(audience laughing)
(whistling bird calls)
- That may not mean much to you,
but it drives the
speckle-throated wood finch
right out of its bird.
(audience laughing)
- A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
A Mr. H. H. Humphrey?
Mr. Humphrey, this is Miss
Tomlin of the telephone company
and you owe us an
overdue phone bill of $1.63.
Certainly, sir, it was
a call placed by you
to the Lyndon B.
Johnson residence.
It was a two-minute call.
I see, you were
talking to the President
about your responsibilities
as Vice-President?
(audience laughing)
So, tell me, Mr. Humphrey,
is that why it was only
a two-minute call
(snorts laughing)?
Now then, Mr. Humphrey,
oh, I understand, sir.
Sir, sir, sir, regardless, you
are indebted to us for $1.63
whether you were on hold
or not (snorts laughing).
(audience laughing)
Now, Mr. Humphrey, hello?
Hello?
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
- Say, Dingo.
- The name's Ringo.
- Ringo Dingo,
you're in my bush.
Get out of my bush.
- Okay.
- Winners get trees,
losers get bushes.
(audience laughing)
Think about it.
(whimsical music)
(racheting)
(squeaking)
(cork popping)
(fanfare music)
(tuba playing)
(audience laughing)
- Ringo, I don't wanna
get really personal with you,
but did you actually honestly
pose nude with your wife
on an album cover?
- No, that was John Lennon.
- You posed nude
with John Lennon?
(audience laughing)
- No, we're savin' that for
our next Ed Sullivan Show.
(audience laughing)
- Well he'll get a rating
with that one, won't he?
(audience laughing)
- When we last left
the Farkle Family,
Parson Peter P. Perkins,
the pastoral pride of
Pittsburgh, PA was saying...
- That's a fine-looking
family of Farkles
you've got there, Ferd.
- Parson Peter P. Perkins has
not picked the proper person,
Ferd's a Burfel, we're Farkles.
- And these are our folks,
Frank and Fannie Farkle.
- How nice, I'm Mrs.
Parson Peter P. Perkins,
presently of Pittsburgh,
formerly Priscilla P. Paley
of Pottstown.
- My brother passed
through Pottstown
on his way to Pittsburgh.
- Well, Perkins, Parson
Peter P., Priscilla P.,
we Farkles are
mighty pleased to have
the pleasure of your presence.
- And so is our fine
friend, Ferd Berfel.
- You know, Frank and Fannie
Farkle, there are moments
when I don't seem to
know a Farkle from a Berfel.
- Tune in later when we
here Ferd Berfel say...
- Well, can't tell a Farkle
from your Berfel, eh,
Parson Peter P. Perkins?
Well, as my brother
Paul in Pittsburgh says,
you can't tell a
Farkle by its cover,
so Ferd unto others as you
would have them Farkle unto you.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(flute playing)
- How does that grab
you, Don Rowe lovers?
(audience laughing)
- They say that Peter
Sellers never plays himself
on the screen, that
he's only at ease
when he's in a very
heavy character makeup.
Why is that?
- Well, you see, underneath
it all, he's just a plain,
ordinary 23-year old
English housewife.
(audience laughing)
You don't believe me, do you?
- Very well, sir, just
step behind there
and remove your clothing.
(whimsical music)
(objects hitting floor)
- There's a book back there.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Mr. Leonard,
what brings you here to,
here to Burbank?
- I was deported.
(audience laughing)
- Oops, as the man
said as he stepped into
Tiny Tim's houseboat, how
about a couple of quickies?
- Now just a darn
minute, Captain Andy.
I fail to fathom that one.
- Well, I was just testing
your powers of concentration,
actually, I really wanted to
simply introduce the quickies.
- Oh, no, you're not gettin'
away with that one, either.
- Stepping into
the trap, he asked,
what are you talking about?
- Some other time, right now
we're gonna have
a couple of quickies.
- I thought you'd
never axe, ask.
- Axe, a x y.
(whistle blowing)
(car engine revving)
- Pst, is there any
truth to the rumor that
Paul McCartney is still alive?
- Well, I don't know,
I mean I haven't seen
him around here lately,
but where do you think
we got this groovy arrangement?
(audience laughing)
(angels singing)
(car engine revving)
(brakes squealing)
(car engine revving)
- Say, I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, on her way home
tonight, my room mate was
severely beaten and mugged.
And now for the
bad news, as a result,
I had to get my own din-din.
(audience laughing)
(brakes squealing)
(car engine revving)
(metal crashing)
(man mumbling)
- Well, how about a
little after-dinner drink?
- No thanks, I gotta
operate in the morning.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(crowd cheering)
- Oh, well, dear, I think
it's time to go to bed.
- David, this is no way to live.
You come home, watch the
news on TV and then go to bed.
Your whole life revolves
around watching the news on TV.
- That is not true.
Now I am tired and
I'm going to bed.
- Oh, all right.
Good night, David.
- Good night, Chet.
(audience laughing)
(tires squealing)
(car engines revving)
(whimsical music)
(rotary phone dialing)
- Mr. Humphrey,
Miss Tomlin again.
Now, pardon me?
You say you're pleased
as punch that I called?
I bet you're pleased as punch
that anybody calls
(snorts laughing).
(laughing)
Now, Mr. Humphrey, I
realize it will be a hardship
on a teacher's salary,
but someone must pay.
Who?
Oh, I see, well thank you,
and it's been a joy
talking with you, too.
(rotary phone dialing)
- Phenicia?
Phenicia, this is Ernestine.
You know that $1.63?
Charge it to the
current Vice President.
Well, he may as well
be charged with it,
he's been charged with
everything else (snorts laughing).
(audience laughing)
- (Squeals) hello, Mr. Sellers.
- No, I'm Mr. Starr.
- Oh, Mr. Star, woo woo woo!
Once they become famous,
they all get, how you say,
big heads.
(audience laughing)
Mr. Star.
(whimsical music)
(racket swiping)
(fanfare music)
- Roach.
- When I get mad enough,
I can almost crush a grape.
(audience laughing)
- Say, we certainly hope
you enjoyed the show tonight.
We have a lineup next
week that's gonna...
- Oh, oh, I just remembered
(audience laughing)
something important.
- I thought you had a seizure.
- No, no, that's when you
remember something important,
you go, "Oh!"
- Well, she'll wait.
- No.
- Next week, we have a lineup...
- She'll wait, but
in the meantime,
I want to say a few nice
things about teenagers.
- Well, we don't
have time, besides,
what could you possibly
know about teenagers?
- Well, I'm glad you
asked because I know that
today's teenagers have come
in for more than their share
of criticism from us adults.
And I also know that
the majority of them
are a great bunch of
kids, so adults, remember,
you were teenagers
once, give the kids a break.
- I didn't realize you
had that much of soft spot
in your heart for the teenagers.
- Well, I just heard
that, in 10 or 15 years,
today's teenagers will
be runnin' this country,
and I figure it
doesn't hurt to have
friends in high places.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- No, for my sake.
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- There is no truth in the
rumor that my latest picture,
The Magic Christian,
is about Billy Graham
doing card tricks.
(audience laughing)
- I know of a drive-in
theater, are you ready,
where they stopped
showing movies
and attendance went up 34%.
Think of it.
- Have you ever considered
that racism is merely a
pigment of your imagination?
- Aha!
- You know, psychoanalysis
may help find out
what makes me tick.
Maybe, too, it will help find
why I go bong every hour.
(audience laughing)
- (Laughs) I don't mind
men who kiss and tell.
I need all the
advertising I can get.
(audience laughing)
- Dick?
- Yeah.
- What do you get if you
cross a porcupine with
Siamese twins?
- I don't know, what?
- A prickly pair.
- Woo! (audience laughing)
- Hey, Dan, you know what?
Dick is a penny pincher.
- Why do you say that?
Who says so?
- Penny.
(audience laughing)
- Teresa?
Teresa?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
I hurt my fingers.
- What do you get when
you cross a jazz musician
with a billiard parlor?
- A high ball.
- No, you get a bunch of
pool tables with hip pockets.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of pool, I know
a guy who keeps trying
to drown his troubles but
he can't get his wife near it.
(audience laughing)
- You can be certain that a
man with a banana in his ear
does not want you
to notice his feet.
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday, a man came into
our office and pulled out a gun
and told us to lie on the floor.
It took us 20 minutes to
realize it wasn't an office party.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, there's a chapter
of the KKK in Alaska.
You know, if
they don't like you,
they melt a cross on your lawn.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of
lawns, poor Twiggy,
she lost her
modeling job and now
she's a topless waitress
in a pancake house.
(audience laughing)
- [Woman] Poor Twiggy!
- Talking about pancakes,
- [Women] Poor Twiggy.
- [Man] Oh, poor Twiggy.
- [Jo Anne] Say no mas, Twiggy.
- Talking about that, one
of the greatest problems
in the world today is
apathy, but then, who cares?
(audience laughing)
- You know if your
president doesn't want
instant analysis
of his speeches,
he shouldn't be givin'
speeches that can be
instantly analyzed.
(audience laughing)
- I have a friend who is so
unlucky that when he moved
into a new neighborhood,
he got run over
by the welcome wagon.
(audience laughing)
(bell donging)
(whimisical music)
(audience laughing)
- Annette Funicello,
this is your life.
- Well, Mr. Casmire, your
new heart seems to be
working out just...
Just fine, uh, Mr. Casmire,
could I ask you
to pay your bill right away?
(audience laughing)
Mr. Casmire?
Well, you can't win 'em all.
- Very interesting.
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
to allow the orchestra
time to rehearse
its annual all-flute concert.
(audience laughing)
- (Laughs) and Lucky, I
mean Lucy, of all the stars,
you're the one who shines
the brightest in my firmament.
And as for you, Gary (laughs).
(drumming)
(creaking)
(metal clanking)
(bells chiming)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Hello, I'm Peter Sellers.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
Tonight I will be seen
in the role of Ringo Starr.
(audience laughing)
You know Great Britain
has had its problems.
There was Christine Keeler,
there was the devalued
pound and, of course,
there was us.
(audience laughing)
And now for the bad news.
Despite overwhelming
objections, tonight Ringo Starr
presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, nothing I can do.
(audience laughing)
- Stay tuned for
the Farkle Family,
when Ferd Berfle says,
- The Farkles are coming,
the Farkles are coming!
(tap shoes tapping)
(audience laughing)
- Will the gentleman who is
making the obscene phone calls
to me at KL5-4039
please, please stop.
My number has been
changed to KL4-3988.
(audience laughing)
- You know, Ringo,
so long as you're here
in Southern California,
you really oughta
visit Disneyland.
- Really?
- Oh, you'll love it, there's
so many things to see,
so many things to do.
It's just wonderful.
People wandering
around in a daze,
it's just a fantasyland.
- We've got something
like that in England.
- Oh?
- We call it Parliament.
(audience laughing)
- Can you say that
on British television?
- [Man 1] I tell you, we
gotta get guns to protect us
from those extremists!
- [Man 2] I tell you,
we gotta have guns
to protect ourselves from
them gun-totin' radicals!
(audience laughing)
- Goldie, you were just
wonderful in Cactus Flower.
- Yep, you know, people
found out that you were not
just a cuckoo little blonde,
but a very talented actress.
- Right.
- Well if it's that
good, I oughta see it.
- See it, well, you were in it.
- Really? How was I?
(audience laughing)
- You were great.
- Well, why do you
want me to see it?
- Well I do want you to see it.
- Well I don't
have to, I was in it.
You know, Dan?
It's awful lonely at the top.
(audience laughing)
- She's right, you know.
- Oh how would you know?
(audience laughing)
- And now, from the beautiful
downtown Burbank Annex
of Buckingham Palace,
NBC takes another chop at
Ringo Starr's presentation of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring black-belt Dan Rowan,
and below the belt, Dick Martin,
with special guest star,
the lovely and talented
Peter Sellers, appearing
tonight as Ringo Starr.
And Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy
Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and our own vocal majority,
- [Gary And Audience]
Jo Anne Worley.
- Also promising to
be better persons are
Teresa Graves, Pamela
Rogers, Jeremy Lloyd,
and Lily Tomlin.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with an important message for
people looking for a
brand-new taste sensation.
Put a sardine on a
marshmallow and eat it
while we bring you
these following words.
(audience laughing)
- othin' says lovin' like
somethin' from the oven.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please stand by.
Our producer, CFG, is
arguing with a sponsor
that it is not time
for a commercial.
Yes, yes, I believe
our producers won
and there will be no commercial.
So here's lovely Jo
Anne Worley to sing...
(music)
- Ringo, which was
your favorite hit record?
- I Wanna Hold Your Hand.
(audience laughing)
- Now will you tell me which
was your favorite hit record?
- You're adorable,
and you're weird.
- Well you're the freako
that wanted to hold my hand.
(audience laughing)
- So if you would just
step back the screen,
remove your clothes,
I'll be right with you.
(audience laughing)
- Well, my mother was
a June Taylor dancer,
for heaven's sake.
(audience laughing)
(curtain rod swishing)
(thumping)
(audience laughing)
(groovy music)
(raining)
(audience laughing)
(music continues)
(audience laughing)
(rain stops)
(music continues)
(audience laughing)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
Well, fook, here we go again!
(audience laughing)
- Now here's the scam
on what it's all about.
Dick and Dan gonna
let it all hang out.
(audience laughing)
- crest.
I just found...
- Oh, do you brush
your teeth with it?
- Oh, no, no, I just found out
I come from a long
line of Puritans.
My ancestors go all the
way back to Plymouth Rock.
- Well, that's funny, I
just came from a long line
of chorus girls, they go all
the way back to Las Vegas.
(audience laughing)
- I'm talking about genealogy.
- Right, the account of
descendency of a person of family
from ancestral predecessors.
- Why that's right.
- Of course, that's
right, I'm an expert.
- Well, I'm flabbergasted.
- Flabbergasted, let's see,
that's an old German name
from a Bavarian area called
Schwieschling-on-the Holstein.
- Schlieswing?
- Schlieswing, oh
you've changed it.
- You've certainly
shown an amazing grasp
of a terribly complex subject.
- That's funny, that's
just what Ethel said.
- Ethel?
- My genealogist.
- Well, has she uncovered
anything interesting?
- No, certainly not.
This is strictly business!
(audience laughing)
- I mean, what has she found
out about your ancestors?
- Woo hoo hoo (laughs).
- Really had some dandies, huh?
- Talk about swingers.
You know, I'll bet I
got the only family tree
with an X rating.
(audience laughing)
- I'll bet you do.
You probably have to be
accompanied by an adult
just to get into your family.
(audience laughing)
- Me, too (laughs).
- You know, for instance,
there was old Stonewall Martin.
- Stonewall Martin?
- He was a hero
of the revolution.
- The famous minuteman.
- Yes, he was,
as a matter of fact.
You know, I'll never
forget his rallying cry
that stirred all of Boston.
- Oh really?
- No, O'Reilly.
(audience laughing)
The husbands are coming,
the husbands are coming!
That was his stirring cry
- That was his stirring cry
- [Both] That
roused all of Boston.
- You seem to
have taken after him.
- Well, so did half
of the colonial army.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this is all
very interesting.
Is Ethel about finished
delving into your progenitors?
- I certainly hope not.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I must say you have
some fascinating antecedents.
- A-ha, you think that
mine are somethin',
you ought to see Ethel's.
(audience laughing)
- There's really no
time to see Ethel's
because we got
to go to the party.
Oh, and Ethel's
invited, and so are you.
- Are you sure
don't wanna see...
- No, I don't wanna see...
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- Do you know the
hippies are still demanding
free expression,
sexual liberalization,
and legalized drugs.
About the only thing they're
not demanding is jobs.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, commercialism
has invaded the churches.
Now, one congregation
prays, "Give us this day
"our daily
vitamin-enriched bread."
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, last night, Boris took
me to see The Wild Bunch
and I really would
rather have, how you say,
gone to see the movie.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Well, the toy manufacturers
have done it again.
They have a new war
game called Vietnam.
It's an adult game
played by young people,
the rules are
impossible to understand,
and nobody can win.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Yesterday, I was correctin'
the way my daughter-in-law
is raisin' her children, and I
pointed out how lucky she is
to have me helpin' her.
Why, when I was her
age, my mother-in-law
was a meddlin' ole busybody.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Say, wouldn't you like
to come up to my place?
- Just the two of us?
- Uh-hmm.
- Think what might happen.
Dick, Dick?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Mr. Rozhmenko?
- Huh? Oh.
- I wanted to ask you, are
you impressed by our industry?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Roman,
I'm very much impressed
from your industry and, for
example, every six months,
to Santa Barbara
they give an oil change.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(grunt) (coins clinking)
- Oh, Alan.
- Somebody just told me
there's marijuana
in canary food.
I've got to get home before
the fuzz busts my bird.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Goldie, - Yeah, yeah.
- What do you think about
Planned Parenthood?
- Well, that's silly,
because nobody can judge
who their parents are gonna be.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- We rich people
have our problems, too.
One of my girlfriends
recently was so despondent,
she committed suicide.
Of course, it was
tastefully done.
She had her chauffeur
drive her over a cliff.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Yesterday I went
to the Draft Board
while my boyfriend took his
Army physical, and guess what?
They made me an honorary recruit
and gave me a physical, too.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Jeremy!
- Hello, Dick,
what a surprise.
- Is it true that the
English papers are all filled
with sensational reports
of sex and violence?
- Oh, yes, Dick,
you see, in England,
we love to hear what's
happening in America.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Oh, forgive me, I
should have known better
than to offer you a cigarette.
I know you're the head of
the anti-smoking movement.
- Oh, no, no, I'm chairman
of the anti-vice movement.
- Oh, well, I knew
there was something
I shouldn't offer you.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
(audience applauding)
- You're, um... You are...
- Pop music, records, British.
- Engelbert Humperdink.
- Close enough.
(audience laughing)
And you're, um,
who, who, you're, uh,
- Hello Dolly, Hello Dolly.
- Of course, I'd
recognize you anywhere,
Pearl Bailey.
(timpani drum beat)
(audience laughing)
- Henry, when you said we could
make beautiful music
together, I never dreamt
this is what you had in mind.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I didn't either,
I thought you
were a saxophonist.
(audience laughing)
(tuba playing)
- Stay tuned for the Farkle
Family, when the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkle,
confront each other face-to-face,
as Simon says, - Which one am I?
- You're the other one.
(audience laughing)
(breaking tires squealing)
(music)
(flute playing)
(bell dinging)
(audience laughing)
(man and woman humming)
- Oh, before you get in
bed, you'd better call the dog.
- Oh, right.
(telephone buttons clicking)
(audience laughing)
- Hello, yeah, yeah, Rover?
Yeah, you can come in
now, it's time to come in.
(audience laughing)
Right.
(music)
'll build a home for you
We'll all go out
catch 10 of these.
And go to Timbuktu.
(laughing)
- What's he singin' about?
- Oh, that's great.
Gladys has finally said yes.
- She's goin' to the
swings with him?
- No, they're gonna get married.
Congratulations.
- And then she'll go
to the swings with me (laughs).
- You romantic
devil, you (laughs).
Say, what kind of a ring
you're gonna get her, huh?
A big diamond,
emerald, pearl, huh?
- Oh, ring, ring, oh
yeah, yeah (laughs).
- Got a ring?
- That's the ring,
look at that, now.
(audience laughing)
- That's a cigar band!
- Hey, listen, I know a
guy'll give you a real bargain.
You can't give her a cigar band.
- I guess you're right, she
probably doesn't smoke anyway.
(audience laughing)
- Cough. (coughs)
- Cough. (coughs)
- Cough again, please. (coughs)
- Wow (clucks tongue).
- What is it, doctor?
- Well, I'm gonna
have to stop smokin'.
(audience laughing)
(engine idling)
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
- Dan, have you seen
the Magic Christian?
- No, but I ran into a
tricky Moslim last week.
(audience laughing)
Hey, you're a great
straight man, Ringo.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for a new
department on Laugh-In.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, if you'd pay
more attention, Teresa,
you'd find out what's goin' on.
(audience laughing)
It's certainly been
no secret all week that
we're going to do a
brand-new department
and I'm gonna introduce
it on the show tonight.
- (Laughs) well, I'm
certainly glad you did then,
and I hope you
enjoyed it at home, folks,
as much as I did
right here watching it.
- We haven't done
it yet, you yin yang.
- That's yan ying.
(audience laughing)
- Ladies and gentlmen,
your attention please.
(drumroll playing)
Time now for another
new Laugh-In department.
(fanfare music)
After months of
research and study,
we were able to
bring to you tonight...
(fanfare music)
- [Both] For the
first time anywhere,
(fanfare music)
- My new Laugh-In department,
which will be known as...
(fanfare music)
Miscellaneous!
(audience laughing)
- I can't get any sleep, the
walls in these apartments
have got to be
made out of paper.
- (Laughs) Oh, come on,
honey, you're exaggerating.
Don't be silly.
Just have a cigarette
and try and relax a little bit.
- Okay.
- It'll be good for you.
- You got a match?
(wallboard breaking)
(audience laughing)
(rustling)
- I understand your
boyfriend's a perfect gentleman
at all times, Pammy.
- Yeah, but it's better
than no boyfriend at all.
(audience laughing)
(timpani drumming)
- Jeremy, Jeremy Lloyd.
Don't you remember me?
I'm Ringo Starr.
We worked together in
Hard Day's Night, Help!,
The Magic Christian.
- Now really, I only had
a small part, you know.
You can't expect me to
remember everybody (laughs).
(audience laughing)
- It's time again.
- What?
- Yes,
we come to the Amazing Metrado.
(singing fanfare music)
(singing fanfare
music continues)
(knocking)
(bonking)
(singing fanfare music)
(audience applauding)
- Because there's so
much confusion regarding
the recently-passed
Truth in Lending Law,
Laugh-In's Department
of Clarification now offers,
as a public service, this
simple, concise explanation.
- The Truth in Lending
Law works like this.
See, the finance charge
is the monthly charge
charged against the previous
charge less the past payments
and might also include a
late charge for nonpayment
of the previous unpaid balance
charge, but that's separate.
And besides, I don't
understand it as well as the other.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
- Aloha, friends,
Romans, and countrymen,
lend me your ears.
(Laughs) remember that one?
(audience laughing) Today,
we are going to learn
foreign-type word.
Today, we are going
to discuss la cucaracha,
or roach, verstehen?
Roach, el buggo,
squirmo (laughs).
La cucaracha.
♪ La cucaracha la cucarocha
either pronunciation is correct,
either either or either,
whatever turns you on,
so to speak,
(audience laughing)
to coin a phrase.
Next week, we're going
to discuss le papier,
for instance, le papier
de la tante sur la tub,
(audience laughing)
which means the paper of
my tante is in the bathtub.
(audience laughing)
Yick!
The bonus phrase for today,
if you've been
paying attention is
soup de jour and specialte du
maisson du la carriage house,
(laughs)
which means soup's on the house!
(audience laughing)
Chiao, muchachos, al fumo.
(audience laughing)
- Well, Teresa, how'd you
like my new department?
- Well, Gold, it was, um...
- Please don't go any further,
you know how hard I cry.
(psychedelic music)
(bleating)
(fanfare music)
- Line to come.
- Here they come now.
- Oh.
(flute music)
(old man singing)
- Chivalry, chivalry.
- Oh.
(slapping wood)
(old man singing)
- More chivalry.
(audience laughing)
(old man laughing)
(grunting)
- This is my friend, Mister,
uh, what's your name?
- Smith, Jim Smith.
No, no, no, it's
Jones, John Jones.
(audience laughing)
Look, I have just the thing
that you are lookin' for, kid.
You came to the right place.
- [Old Man] Oh.
(audience laughing)
And if you don't like this, I
got some more in the back,
but I think I can find
somethin' for you.
And I have just what
you were lookin' for.
- [Old Man] Ohhhh (laughs).
- Um-hmm, that's it.
- (Laughs) Miss Ormphby,
Mr. Martin here says
this ruby matches the
overpowering passion
that dwells in
your heart (laughs).
(smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
How about this one here?
- [Old Man] Ohhhh (laughs).
Miss Ormphby, Mr. Rowan
here says this is the gem
to fill the void of
your maidenly bosom.
(gasping) (smacking)
(audience laughing)
- Strike two, okay.
Now take a look at this.
This is a ring
with a personality.
It's got a setting to
match your personality,
it's very old.
- Oh!
(repeated smacking)
(audience laughing)
Come, Tyrone,
we'll go to Tiffany's.
I saw just what I wanted,
a big expensive diamond.
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(audience laughing)
- Say, Tyrone, sorry about that.
- (Mumbling).
- What plans do you have
following the honeymoon?
- Lookin' forward to a
speedy recovery (laughs).
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
- Boiled Eggs, by Henry Gibson.
Boiled eggs are okay
if you don't have
to look at them.
The best way is to
simply to ignore 'em
and go on talking to the pepper.
Just think of them as pancakes.
If it were not for boiled eggs,
we would be without gulp.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Ringo Starr.
You know, musicians
have a terrible reputation.
Tell me, have you
ever been busted?
- No, and obviously,
neither have you.
- Oh!
(repeated smacking)
(audience laughing)
- How do you like
that, Magic Christian?
(fanfare music)
- Would you step
behind the screen, miss,
and remove your clothing?
(saloon piano music)
(objects hitting floor)
(audience laughing)
I think I love you.
(audience laughing)
(curtain rod swishing)
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I can hardly wait
to see your new picture,
The Magic Christian.
What was it like
working in that galley
with 80 topless slaves, hmm?
- Topless?
I thought they were
wearing water wings.
(audience laughing)
Where's my manager?
(paper crumpling)
(paper rustling)
- Flu epidemic breaks out.
(paper rustling)
Thousands homeless.
(paper rustling)
And now for the bad news.
(fanfare music)
(woman singing
in foreign language)
- Which means...
(belly dancing music)
- From the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope
will amuse yous.
(women ululating)
We just love to
give you our views
(woman ululating)
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news.
- [All] Here's Dan.
(women ululating)
(audience applauding)
- Enough.
(women ululating)
And now, the
news of the present.
Here's the man who for
the news wouldn't be news
without the news, here's Dick.
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- We've finally run amok.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California,
the NBC television network
today announced the
provisions of its new contract
with Johnny Carson.
After weeks of
bitter negotiations,
Carson finally agreed
to work Thanksgiving,
Christmas, and
the Fourth of July.
NBC, in return, agreed
that Carson would be off
for the rest of the year.
(audience laughing)
Los Angeles, David
Attenborough, inventor of the
solar-powered car,
declared today, "This car,"
and I quote, "This car
powered by the rays of the sun
"and produces no smog,
we'll find out whether or not
"I've got something here if
the smog ever clears up enough
"to let the sun shine through."
(audience laughing)
Now, take it away, Goldie.
(drumroll playing)
- I got somethin' in my eye.
- [Dan] It shouldn't affect
your speech any, Goldie.
- (Laughs) Ladies and gentlemen,
with great pride and
pleasure that is that I introduce
one of the foremost
entertainers of our time,
Mr. Dan Rowan to do the
Future News for you (laughs).
- Aw, you did that...
- Can I have a new eye?
- Thank you very much.
(audience laughing)
You did it very well, Goldie,
even with something in your eye.
- Yeah, well, why not, Dan?
I mean it's a simple
as ABD, AM and FM.
(audience laughing)
Earth 2970, a thousand
years from now.
Tragedy struck the three
hundred trillion people
covering the American
continent today when an old man
in Trenton, New Jersey,
stumbled, causing everyone else
in the United
States to fall down.
(audience laughing)
You see, there's gonna be
a population explosion, wow.
Dateline Tokyo, 1990,
20 years from now.
A spokesman for Geisha
Airlines announced today,
that's the first time
they've ever come after us.
A spokesman for Geisha
Airlines announced today
the development of the
first Japanese jumbo jet.
It has six transistors, is
eight and a half feet long,
and seats 327 passengers.
(audience laughing)
- Hello from Hollywood,
where your roving reporter,
Ruthie Buzzi, just got
a hot flash (laughs).
While shooting a western on
location in the Mojave Desert,
film star Don Rickles
was bitten on the leg
by a rattlesnake.
A fatal seizure followed.
However, filming was
resumed immediately
after the burial of
the snake (laughs).
(audience laughing)
That's all from your
busy buddy Buzzi,
here in Tinseltown (laughs).
Kissy, kissy.
(audience laughing)
- And now, Indian fans,
Laugh-In goes back to that
hysterical moment when
ze white man and ze Indian
come to terms.
I think that is fantastic!
- Um, smoother,
milder, mellower.
- Say, flavor lasts and lasts.
Make out better both ends.
- No harsh aftertaste,
make nerves all calm.
- Chief, what is
that stuff called?
- We call it tobacco.
- Hmm, could I have some?
I could sell it.
- You can have it all.
- Hmm, do you know what I
can get with all that tobacco?
- Of course we do (coughs).
That's why you can
(coughs) have it all.
(audience laughing)
(women ululating)
- adies and gents,
Laugh-In looks at the news
(women ululating)
(audience applauding)
- 50% of the children today
are receivin' sex education.
Now that they
teach it in the school,
the other half are
gonna learn, too.
(audience laughing)
- Ringo, tell me, how's
Laugh-In goin' down in England?
- Slowly but surely.
- Have this one shaved
and sent to my room.
- Teresa, you are also weird.
- Well, different strokes
for different folks.
- Teresa, I think I love you.
- You're in a lot of trouble.
- And now, folks, friends
and fellow Farkle followers,
another fun-filled frolic with
the fabulous Farkle Family
and their friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
As we folly on the
Farkles at 545 55th Street
and Fourth Place,
father, Fred Farkle says...
- Hi, I'm Fannie Farkle.
This is my husband,
Frank Farkle,
our children, Mark, Sparkle
Farkle, Fritz and Fred Farkle,
and the twins, Simon
and Gar Farkle, and her,
- Hiii!
- Flicker Farkle.
That's the whole bunch.
- Yeah, we're a whole
bunch of Farkles, and this is
our good friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
Any news, Ferd?
- Yes, Frank, today's
your wedding anniversary.
- Of course, the anniversary
of a happy marriage,
blessed with six
children and her.
- Hiiii!
- I can never forget.
Which anniversary is it, Ferd?
- Third.
- Third, Ferd?
- Third, Frank.
- Thanks, Ferd.
Ah, yes, I remember the pastor
who presided at our pairing,
Parson Peter P. Perkins.
I can see his face
before me now,
I shall remember him always.
(doorbell ringing)
I wonder who that is.
- I'm Parson Perkins,
remember me?
- No, I can't say I do.
- I married you.
- Impossible, I'm
already married.
- I presided at your
pairing, remember?
Parson Peter P. Perkins?
- Peter P. Perkins, ah,
yes. I'm Frank Farkle.
Parson Peter P.
Perkins, Franny Farkle.
Peter, Fannie, Fannie, Peter.
Mark and Sparkle
Farkle, Peter P.,
Peter P., Simon and Gar Farkle,
as far as Peter and
her, Flicker Farkle.
- [Flicker] Hiiii!
- Parson, Flicker, Peter,
Farkle, Fritz and Fred,
Peter, Fred, Fritz and, of
course, our friend, Ferd Berfel.
Parson Perkins,
Ferd (stammering).
Ferd was the best
man at our wedding.
- Glad to do it.
- I actually remember, and I
remember you saying, "I do."
Do you remember saying, "I do"?
- No, I can't say I do.
- Can't say he did either.
- I remember when
you said, "I do."
- I remember when
she said, "I do," too.
- And you still believe in her?
- I still believe in her, too.
- A perfect example
of marital fidelity
to show my pretty
wife, Priscilla Perkins,
the former Priscilla Paley
of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
- Perfect, Priscilla is
presently planing in
on Pan-Am from Pittsburgh.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
(doorbell ringing)
- I wonder who that could be.
- Priscilla.
- Peter.
- My brother
lives in Pittsburgh.
(whimsical music)
- Farkles.
- Okay, but just this once.
(tap shoes tapping)
(bullet whizzing by)
- I would like to knock off
the whole Farkle Family.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, yes, you see this?
Now you use this clip inside
of your pocket to hold it in.
It's used to send messages.
Be very careful to unscrew
the top before you use it.
- What is it?
- It's called a fountain pen.
(audience laughing)
(bird calls)
(whimsical music)
- Welcome to our hotel,
sir, would you like a room
with a tub or a shower?
- What's the difference?
- Well, in a tub, you sit down.
(audience laughing)
(flute music playing)
- Ringo, has fame and
fortune changed your life at all?
- No, it's just brought
me fame and fortune.
- [Both] Something
in the way he moves
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to see if you can
interest me in an old car.
- Well, step right
in, I'll do my best.
- Ah-Ha (laughs).
Are you sure this isn't naughty?
(laughing)
- All right, class,
can anybody name
three famous American Indians?
Henry?
- I can.
Burt Lancaster, Richard
Widmark, and Tony Curtis.
(audience laughing)
- The double-humped
camel is not a dromedary,
and don't you forget it.
(airplane engines whining)
(metal crashing)
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Do you realize that if
all the cars in the U.S.
were placed end-to-end,
it would just be an
average Sunday afternoon?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- Hello.
I saw you standing
here alone, and I,
I knew somehow
that you were different.
Different for wanting all this,
the strange loneliness
of primitive beauty,
the sea, boiling,
churning, swirling, look at it.
(audience laughing)
I'm Jeannie.
Jeannie Beager of the
Chicago Beager fortune,
meatpacking and lard rendering.
(audience laughing)
Oh, but I hated it, all of it.
Narrow conventions,
petty interests,
I'm sick of it,
sick, sick to death.
Sick.
Have you ever really
been sick of something?
Oh, I knew you'd
understand, somehow I knew.
My husband never understood.
He would never face our
problems, he always tried to
suppress everything.
(gagging) (audience laughing)
You know, there are
certain things in life that you,
you just can't keep
down, can you?
(audience laughing)
They just have to come up.
(audience laughing)
So I left him.
I just couldn't go on with it.
Have you ever hated
every moment of every day
of having to go on doing
something you can't stand?
- [Man] We're ready
to sail, Captain.
(gagging)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(60s dance music)
- A friend of mine just
bought a houseboat.
In the front it has crab
grass with real crabs.
- Is that a naughty line?
- No, it's a salt water gotcha.
(60s dance music)
(airplane engine whining)
(cork popping)
(airplane engines whining)
(60s dance music)
- With the new planes going
faster than the speed of sound,
you can now talk
behind your own back.
(audience laughing)
- Would you raise your
seat for an upright position
for landing, please?
(clicking)
- Oh!
Aha!
(60s dance music)
- Airlines keep telling us that
flying is the safest
way to travel.
How much consideration
have they given to walking?
(audience laughing)
(airplane guns firing)
- I'm sorry, sir, but the
no-smoking sign is on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
Is that more safe if it's out?
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- As an airline hostess,
what frightens me most
about a flight are
usually the men over 40.
- Is that a naughty line?
- No, that's a
supersonic gotcha.
(audience laughing)
(60s dance music)
- What is it Miss Kimble?
- Captain, this passenger
says he wants to go to Cuba.
- Well, we're over Cuba now.
- Yeah, well that's
where I want to go.
- All right.
(slide whistle blowing)
(audience laughing)
- At least I think that's
Cuba down there.
- You have another drink coming.
(audience laughing)
(squeaking)
(high-pitched buzzing)
(brakes squealing)
(audience laughing)
(airplane engine whining)
(60s dance music)
- Flying is not dangerous.
Flying is not dangerous.
Landing is dangerous.
(audience laughing)
(drumroll playing)
- Well, gentlemen, today you
have all received your wings.
- I haven't.
- All except you, of
course, Whinestock.
I want you to know I'm sorry
about Whinestock washing out,
but I know that, no
matter what happens,
Whinestock will go on to
bigger and better things.
- I want my wings.
- God forbid, some day,
Whinestock will be a bombadier.
- No.
- Maybe Whinestock
will be a gunner.
- No, I want to fly.
- I know that Whinestock
will never be deterred...
- I'm deterred.
- Because this is the
United States Air Force.
- Don't care, I wanna
play with my friends.
- And the United States
Air Force builds men.
- I don't care.
- And no matter what
Whinestock finds in the future,
whether it's good or
bad, I know he can take it.
- No I can't.
- Yes you can.
- No I can't.
- Yes you can.
- No I can't.
- Oh, yes you can.
- No I can't.
- My hat's off to Whinestock.
- No, don't touch me.
- Gentlemen, I wish you
had the kind of courage
that Whinestock has, yes sir,
on the beaches, in the air,
to victory, good luck, men!
- Good luck, men.
- Good luck, men.
- Good luck, men.
Oh, Captain, please
don't, give me my wings.
- No, Whinestock.
- I wanna fly
with my men.
- Not now, Whinestock.
- I wanna go
into the glorious
(whining), Captain.
- Let go, under my orders.
(dramatic music)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- That's tonight's look
at the wonderful world
of Timothy Leary
and Raquel Welch.
- Oh, I get it (laughs),
the high and the mighty.
(audience laughing)
- No.
(fanfare music playing)
- What was that?
(audience laughing)
(whistling bird calls)
- That may not mean much to you,
but it drives the
speckle-throated wood finch
right out of its bird.
(audience laughing)
- A gracious good afternoon.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
A Mr. H. H. Humphrey?
Mr. Humphrey, this is Miss
Tomlin of the telephone company
and you owe us an
overdue phone bill of $1.63.
Certainly, sir, it was
a call placed by you
to the Lyndon B.
Johnson residence.
It was a two-minute call.
I see, you were
talking to the President
about your responsibilities
as Vice-President?
(audience laughing)
So, tell me, Mr. Humphrey,
is that why it was only
a two-minute call
(snorts laughing)?
Now then, Mr. Humphrey,
oh, I understand, sir.
Sir, sir, sir, regardless, you
are indebted to us for $1.63
whether you were on hold
or not (snorts laughing).
(audience laughing)
Now, Mr. Humphrey, hello?
Hello?
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
- Say, Dingo.
- The name's Ringo.
- Ringo Dingo,
you're in my bush.
Get out of my bush.
- Okay.
- Winners get trees,
losers get bushes.
(audience laughing)
Think about it.
(whimsical music)
(racheting)
(squeaking)
(cork popping)
(fanfare music)
(tuba playing)
(audience laughing)
- Ringo, I don't wanna
get really personal with you,
but did you actually honestly
pose nude with your wife
on an album cover?
- No, that was John Lennon.
- You posed nude
with John Lennon?
(audience laughing)
- No, we're savin' that for
our next Ed Sullivan Show.
(audience laughing)
- Well he'll get a rating
with that one, won't he?
(audience laughing)
- When we last left
the Farkle Family,
Parson Peter P. Perkins,
the pastoral pride of
Pittsburgh, PA was saying...
- That's a fine-looking
family of Farkles
you've got there, Ferd.
- Parson Peter P. Perkins has
not picked the proper person,
Ferd's a Burfel, we're Farkles.
- And these are our folks,
Frank and Fannie Farkle.
- How nice, I'm Mrs.
Parson Peter P. Perkins,
presently of Pittsburgh,
formerly Priscilla P. Paley
of Pottstown.
- My brother passed
through Pottstown
on his way to Pittsburgh.
- Well, Perkins, Parson
Peter P., Priscilla P.,
we Farkles are
mighty pleased to have
the pleasure of your presence.
- And so is our fine
friend, Ferd Berfel.
- You know, Frank and Fannie
Farkle, there are moments
when I don't seem to
know a Farkle from a Berfel.
- Tune in later when we
here Ferd Berfel say...
- Well, can't tell a Farkle
from your Berfel, eh,
Parson Peter P. Perkins?
Well, as my brother
Paul in Pittsburgh says,
you can't tell a
Farkle by its cover,
so Ferd unto others as you
would have them Farkle unto you.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(flute playing)
- How does that grab
you, Don Rowe lovers?
(audience laughing)
- They say that Peter
Sellers never plays himself
on the screen, that
he's only at ease
when he's in a very
heavy character makeup.
Why is that?
- Well, you see, underneath
it all, he's just a plain,
ordinary 23-year old
English housewife.
(audience laughing)
You don't believe me, do you?
- Very well, sir, just
step behind there
and remove your clothing.
(whimsical music)
(objects hitting floor)
- There's a book back there.
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Mr. Leonard,
what brings you here to,
here to Burbank?
- I was deported.
(audience laughing)
- Oops, as the man
said as he stepped into
Tiny Tim's houseboat, how
about a couple of quickies?
- Now just a darn
minute, Captain Andy.
I fail to fathom that one.
- Well, I was just testing
your powers of concentration,
actually, I really wanted to
simply introduce the quickies.
- Oh, no, you're not gettin'
away with that one, either.
- Stepping into
the trap, he asked,
what are you talking about?
- Some other time, right now
we're gonna have
a couple of quickies.
- I thought you'd
never axe, ask.
- Axe, a x y.
(whistle blowing)
(car engine revving)
- Pst, is there any
truth to the rumor that
Paul McCartney is still alive?
- Well, I don't know,
I mean I haven't seen
him around here lately,
but where do you think
we got this groovy arrangement?
(audience laughing)
(angels singing)
(car engine revving)
(brakes squealing)
(car engine revving)
- Say, I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, on her way home
tonight, my room mate was
severely beaten and mugged.
And now for the
bad news, as a result,
I had to get my own din-din.
(audience laughing)
(brakes squealing)
(car engine revving)
(metal crashing)
(man mumbling)
- Well, how about a
little after-dinner drink?
- No thanks, I gotta
operate in the morning.
(audience laughing)
(classical music)
(crowd cheering)
- Oh, well, dear, I think
it's time to go to bed.
- David, this is no way to live.
You come home, watch the
news on TV and then go to bed.
Your whole life revolves
around watching the news on TV.
- That is not true.
Now I am tired and
I'm going to bed.
- Oh, all right.
Good night, David.
- Good night, Chet.
(audience laughing)
(tires squealing)
(car engines revving)
(whimsical music)
(rotary phone dialing)
- Mr. Humphrey,
Miss Tomlin again.
Now, pardon me?
You say you're pleased
as punch that I called?
I bet you're pleased as punch
that anybody calls
(snorts laughing).
(laughing)
Now, Mr. Humphrey, I
realize it will be a hardship
on a teacher's salary,
but someone must pay.
Who?
Oh, I see, well thank you,
and it's been a joy
talking with you, too.
(rotary phone dialing)
- Phenicia?
Phenicia, this is Ernestine.
You know that $1.63?
Charge it to the
current Vice President.
Well, he may as well
be charged with it,
he's been charged with
everything else (snorts laughing).
(audience laughing)
- (Squeals) hello, Mr. Sellers.
- No, I'm Mr. Starr.
- Oh, Mr. Star, woo woo woo!
Once they become famous,
they all get, how you say,
big heads.
(audience laughing)
Mr. Star.
(whimsical music)
(racket swiping)
(fanfare music)
- Roach.
- When I get mad enough,
I can almost crush a grape.
(audience laughing)
- Say, we certainly hope
you enjoyed the show tonight.
We have a lineup next
week that's gonna...
- Oh, oh, I just remembered
(audience laughing)
something important.
- I thought you had a seizure.
- No, no, that's when you
remember something important,
you go, "Oh!"
- Well, she'll wait.
- No.
- Next week, we have a lineup...
- She'll wait, but
in the meantime,
I want to say a few nice
things about teenagers.
- Well, we don't
have time, besides,
what could you possibly
know about teenagers?
- Well, I'm glad you
asked because I know that
today's teenagers have come
in for more than their share
of criticism from us adults.
And I also know that
the majority of them
are a great bunch of
kids, so adults, remember,
you were teenagers
once, give the kids a break.
- I didn't realize you
had that much of soft spot
in your heart for the teenagers.
- Well, I just heard
that, in 10 or 15 years,
today's teenagers will
be runnin' this country,
and I figure it
doesn't hurt to have
friends in high places.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- No, for my sake.
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- There is no truth in the
rumor that my latest picture,
The Magic Christian,
is about Billy Graham
doing card tricks.
(audience laughing)
- I know of a drive-in
theater, are you ready,
where they stopped
showing movies
and attendance went up 34%.
Think of it.
- Have you ever considered
that racism is merely a
pigment of your imagination?
- Aha!
- You know, psychoanalysis
may help find out
what makes me tick.
Maybe, too, it will help find
why I go bong every hour.
(audience laughing)
- (Laughs) I don't mind
men who kiss and tell.
I need all the
advertising I can get.
(audience laughing)
- Dick?
- Yeah.
- What do you get if you
cross a porcupine with
Siamese twins?
- I don't know, what?
- A prickly pair.
- Woo! (audience laughing)
- Hey, Dan, you know what?
Dick is a penny pincher.
- Why do you say that?
Who says so?
- Penny.
(audience laughing)
- Teresa?
Teresa?
- Oh, I'm sorry,
I hurt my fingers.
- What do you get when
you cross a jazz musician
with a billiard parlor?
- A high ball.
- No, you get a bunch of
pool tables with hip pockets.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of pool, I know
a guy who keeps trying
to drown his troubles but
he can't get his wife near it.
(audience laughing)
- You can be certain that a
man with a banana in his ear
does not want you
to notice his feet.
(audience laughing)
- Yesterday, a man came into
our office and pulled out a gun
and told us to lie on the floor.
It took us 20 minutes to
realize it wasn't an office party.
(audience laughing)
- Dick, there's a chapter
of the KKK in Alaska.
You know, if
they don't like you,
they melt a cross on your lawn.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of
lawns, poor Twiggy,
she lost her
modeling job and now
she's a topless waitress
in a pancake house.
(audience laughing)
- [Woman] Poor Twiggy!
- Talking about pancakes,
- [Women] Poor Twiggy.
- [Man] Oh, poor Twiggy.
- [Jo Anne] Say no mas, Twiggy.
- Talking about that, one
of the greatest problems
in the world today is
apathy, but then, who cares?
(audience laughing)
- You know if your
president doesn't want
instant analysis
of his speeches,
he shouldn't be givin'
speeches that can be
instantly analyzed.
(audience laughing)
- I have a friend who is so
unlucky that when he moved
into a new neighborhood,
he got run over
by the welcome wagon.
(audience laughing)
(bell donging)
(whimisical music)
(audience laughing)
- Annette Funicello,
this is your life.
- Well, Mr. Casmire, your
new heart seems to be
working out just...
Just fine, uh, Mr. Casmire,
could I ask you
to pay your bill right away?
(audience laughing)
Mr. Casmire?
Well, you can't win 'em all.
- Very interesting.
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
to allow the orchestra
time to rehearse
its annual all-flute concert.
(audience laughing)
- (Laughs) and Lucky, I
mean Lucy, of all the stars,
you're the one who shines
the brightest in my firmament.
And as for you, Gary (laughs).
(drumming)
(creaking)
(metal clanking)
(bells chiming)