Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 22 - Episode #3.22 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- So you're Tommy Smothers.
- That's right.
- Tell me, are you going to have
any unwholesome sex
or nudity on your special?
- No, absolutely not, no sir.
- Well then, it scarcely
seems worth watching.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
- You hear about the
guy that hit his wife?
The judge says that'll be $105.
$100 fine and $5 amusement tax.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine was
looking at an apartment
and he asked the manager,
"Do you take children here?"
The manager said,
"No, just cash or check."
(audience laughs)
- I'm using a 23
hour deodorant now.
After all, I need
some time to myself.
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
- What Goldie?
- The anti-litter people
are trying to keep
the junk off the
highways and, you know,
but Detroit is just too
turning out much too fast.
- Dick!
(laughs) Dick, did you
hear about the farmer
who crossed the
cow with a camel?
Well, he doesn't know
exactly what he got
but he only has to milk it
once every three months.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) I know this
guy whose doctor told him
he was going to die in six
months so he said, okay...
Hey, Doc.
But I can't pay so he gave
him another six months (laughs).
- Oh, did I hit you?
- No, darling.
- Do you know where
they get virgin wool?
- No.
- From the fastest
sheep in the flock.
(audience laughs)
- Jo Anne, did you hear about
the street cleaner
who lost his job
because he couldn't keep
his mind out of the gutter?
- No, Henry, but I
did hear about a man
who was so near-sighted
that he shot an arrow
into the air and he missed.
And I say, personally, on
my behalf, that that is fantastic.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that if Dracula
married Jackie Onassis,
he wouldn't have to
put the bite on anybody?
(audience laughs)
- A little dog saw a sign that
said wet cement, so he did.
(audience laughs)
- My eight year old
daughter thinks she's Jewish
but we won't tell
her any different
because we want
her to marry a doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Dick?
- Yeah, baby.
- Listen, check me, do you
notice anything offensive?
- No.
- Oh good, it must be you.
I wanted to ask you something.
Have you ever tried
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- Only as a first resort.
- My new fiance thinks
I want to marry him
because his father left
him so much money,
but that's not true!
I don't care who
left him the money.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear what happened
to the shortest outlaw?
They hanged him
from the nearest stump.
(audience laughs)
- I was really terribly lucky
during the recent rainstorms
and mudslides, my
$30,000 house turned into
a $100,000 neighborhood.
(audience laughs)
- I believe in clubs for women
but only when kindness fails.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Fine Arts
Museum and city dump,
NBC reluctantly presents
"Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in".
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
the Fabulous Flying Fourtettes.
With special guest star, the
lovely and large Dan Blocker,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Judy Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and supersonic Jo Anne Worley.
Also, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Lily Tomlin,
and John Brown.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this important message.
Dit dit dee dada, or with this
word to the wise, smarties.
- Hi, I'm Dan Blocker.
There's been a lot of
changes in guys' fashions.
Today a guy can
wear his hair longer.
Nobody thinks a guy is
peculiar because he smells nice.
So I use Savage, all
the guys in my crowd do.
(audience laughs)
History has given us men
who will be remembered
for various reasons.
There was Julius
Caesar and Marc Anthony,
Albert Einstein
and Louis Pasteur,
Woodrow Wilson and
Warren G. Harding.
Now here's two guys
who will be remembered
for being almost as funny
as the first group I mentioned,
Dan Rowan and his
famous flounder, Dick Martin.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Tumbling in here,
good evening ladies and,
and tonight Dick,
did you know...
- That one of my
ancestors invented
the hot water bottle?
Yes, I knew that.
- Brilliant.
- Well not really,
he was actually
trying to invent the ice bag
when the fire broke out.
(audience laughs)
- You're weird.
Your uncle's weird.
Your whole family's weird.
And that brings us
to tonight's subject,
the weird, weird
world in which we live.
- I don't wanna play.
- What do you mean,
you don't wanna play?
- Well that's it, I
don't wanna play,
you've hurt my feelings.
- Oh, come on.
- You've called me and
my whole family weird
in front of everybody.
- Well, you know I
didn't mean that you...
- Well it's okay, you
probably didn't know
that my Uncle Humbold...
- Your Uncle Humbold?
- Uncle Humbold, he spent
practically his entire life
trying to point out to the world
is a sane place to live,
but he couldn't do it.
- He couldn't, why not?
- Well, it's kinda hard to point
when you're in
a straight jacket.
(audience laughter)
- That's what I mean,
it's a weird world,
now you take a
thing like marriage...
- Never!
- Don't get nervous...
- Blah!
- Yesterday, or only
years ago, or whenever,
one marriage in
10 ended in divorce,
and do you know
what it is today?
More like one in four?
- Well, that's more like it,
at least we're making
some progress.
- Well that's not
progress, you dumb bell,
you don't see things
in the proper light,
that's really
nice, you're weird.
- Well let's step
over there then.
- No you step over there,
now the rest of us
are gonna take a look
at this weird, weird
world in which we live.
You're a weirdo.
- Wanna see the farkle?
- I don't wanna, sad...
- Hit it, Ross.
It's bizarre It's a
mess It's baroque SOS
It's a farce
Nonetheless it's weird
When we go to see a
show like Oh Calcutta
Do we go to see
the acting or the skin
Well it's 10 to one
your mind is in the gutter
What a weird, weird, weird
Weird, weird,
weird world we're in
Rex Reed for president?
When we view the life
of Jacqueline Onassis.
Are we envious of
Jackie's social spin?
Have you caught that look
behind her colored glasses?
It's a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world she's in
We're not supposed
to mention A B C
Shirley Temple Black
is giving speeches
While we worship at
the shrine of Tiny Tim
We keep oiling up
the California beaches
Do you somehow feel
the chances of survival
Folks are getting pretty slim
When we see the diamond
mines of Lizzy Burton
All that money spent
on baubles isn't it
With so many children
starving it's for certain
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird
world we're in.
It makes sense to Goldie
So we wait around
for Spiro's next duration
One that's guaranteed
to set your teeth on edge
And with Millhouse still
maneuvering the nation
Find an open window
somewhere on the 14th floor
And jump right off the edge
We are told that good
old marriage is out moded
And the answer is
for folks to live in sin
Whether or not the
population just exploded
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world
A maxi mini cheery world
A weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
(audience applause)
- You think the
world is strange,
I know a girl who got
her saccharin tablets
mixed up with her
birth control pills, ha!
She had the sweetest
little kid you ever saw.
(audience laughs)
- Dear, don't you think
you're leaving a little early?
- Of course not, it'll take
me nine month to get there
and return with a doctor.
(audience laughter)
- Everybody been talking
about them young soldier boys
mom got coming to visit her,
it's only a platonic
relationship,
it's a play for them
and a tonic for mom.
(audience laughs)
- We've got a few problems.
There's an investigating
committee looking into
a conflict of interest.
- Well, I have nothing to fear.
- Well yes I know, but
what about your brother
getting those defense contracts?
- It was my patriotic duty,
if this country can't
trust my brother,
who can it trust?
- I hope the investigating
committee agrees with you sir.
- Oh, they will.
- How can you be so sure?
- Well, if you'll recall,
I'm also chairman of the
investigating committee.
(audience laughs)
- That's sure.
- Darling, would you take
a look at the refrigerator,
I think there's
something wrong with it.
- Okay honey.
(audience laughs)
- If you think that's strange,
how about the fathers who
complain about their kids
seeing too much
brutality on television,
then take them to the
football game on the weekend,
oh far out.
(audience laughs)
- What rotten luck.
This had to happen
on my vacation.
- You think you got trouble,
I'm here on my honeymoon!
(audience laughs)
See, I came to visit a friend.
- Oh, she sick?
- No she's feeling much
better now thank you.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Most asked
question this week is,
what was the least
asked question this week?
- The answer is what was the
most asked question this week?
The second most asked
question this week was,
what was the second least
asked question this week?
- The answer is
Patty Duke, 1903.
(audience laughs)
- Now that you're
getting out of the army,
I suppose you just
can't wait till I die
so you can spit
on my grave, right?
- Oh no sergeant!
I swore that when I
got out of the army,
I'd never stand in line again.
(audience laughs)
- If you think that's
funny, you should hear
Wayne Newton's
single sleep in the deep.
(lively music)
- Speaking of weirdos,
shall I tell them about
Lilly Saint Parmesan,
the Italian strip teaser?
- Who?
- Oh you don't know about her?
- No.
- Oh, she's marvelous,
she's from Naples.
- What does she do?
- Naples?
- Yeah, it's in Italy.
- Yeah, oh. (audience laughs)
- She does a strip tease.
She comes out on the
runway dressed in three pizzas.
- Three pizzas.
- Then as the music
plays Arrivederci Roma,
she takes off one
anchovy at a time.
- Sounds delicious.
- It's fantastic.
- Yes, but was it tasteful?
(audience laughs) (lively music)
You know the world
is like a newborn baby,
no matter how
often it's changed,
it keeps making
a mess of things.
(audience laughs)
- I'd like to draw
some unemployment.
- Very well, are you eligible?
- Of course, I'm unemployed.
- Uh, where were you employed?
- Well I wasn't, that's the
reason I'm unemployed.
- Sorry sir, you can't
draw unemployment
unless you were employed.
- You mean if I were employed
then I could draw unemployment?
- No, you can't draw
unemployment if you are employed.
- Well if I can't draw
it if I'm employed,
and I can't draw it
if I'm unemployed,
then what can I do?
- Don't ask me baby,
I'm just employed here.
(audience laughs)
- Need a helper?
(audience laughs)
(cars zooming)
(lively music)
- Weird.
- Hit it Ross.
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
- Gee Hoss, you
know what Cartwright,
you're the (laughing).
You're the fattest
gun in the west.
- That's the fastest gun Goldie.
- Well keep it under your hat
and I won't
breathe a word of it.
- You know Goldie, like riding
shotgun on an empty stage.
- Thank you, me too.
(audience laughs)
- (laughing) Oh folks, get set.
The Farkle family should
be showing their fine,
funny faces, (laughing) in
about four or five minutes.
(laughing) I'm a Farkle freak!
(horse neighing)
- Hit it Ross.
We have made a
superstar of Phyllis Dillar
Now she admits her
shape has only been 10 10
Well I guess it's time
to bring back Mrs. Miller
What a weird weird weird weird
Weird weird world we're in
Think about William Buckley
There's a happy group
that's keeping pot unlawful
While they're throwing
down the vodka and the gin
Getting stoned on
glue is equally as awful
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
- You think that Frank and
me will ever get back together?
We're enchanted by the
charm of John and Yoko
They look scruffy but
they've found their inner calm
We're so happy Katherine
Hepburn's playing Coco
When you think of all
those talents got together
And they've made
themselves a bomb
With the corsets and the
griffins and the caveats
Is the art of
conversation growing thin
Every show has toady
feels and Jacob Javits
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
- I do terrific bird calls.
- Really, let's
hear your bird call.
- Here bird, here bird.
(audience laughs)
(bird whistling)
- I say give a woman an inch
and she'll try to
park a car in it.
(audience laughs)
- The first beer
drinking contest of 1970
was won today by
Mr. Mickey Lobe,
who drank 28 cases
of beer in 14 minutes.
Well immediately
following his triumph,
Mr. Lobe was rushed by
his friend, Mr. Budweiser,
to the Bush Knee Clinic,
where xrays revealed,
to an amazed staff
of incredulous doctors,
the world's first kidney
with a head on it.
After his recovery,
Mr. Mickey Lobe announced
I'm all bushed, well
I'm certainly not thirsty.
(audience laughs)
- Today's credit and prices
make it easy to buy a home,
but pretty tough to pay for it.
(lively music)
- Madam, would you like
this pizza cut into six pieces
or eight pieces?
- Uh six, I'd never be able
to eat eight pieces of pizza.
(audience laughs)
- Now tell me all about this
fantastic new diet you went on.
- [Woman] Well, I uh...
- I read about an
85 year old man
marrying a 15 year old girl.
- No fooling?
- Darn little.
(audience laughs)
(gun shots)
- [Man] You're
surrounded Cassidy,
throw out your gun
and you won't get hurt!
- Okay copper, here's my gun.
- [Man] Okay Cassidy,
we're coming in.
- No no no, not yet.
- [Man] Come on
Cassidy, open up.
- I told you I'm not ready yet.
- [Man] Here we come Cassidy.
- No no, wait just a minute.
- [Man] I said open up!
- Oh, stop yelling at me.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] We're coming
through Cassidy!
- I told you to
stop yelling at me,
I'm a nervous wreck in
here, I'm all by myself,
I don't know what's going on,
I haven't had anything
to eat in two days,
I hate TV dinners,
I just won't eat it.
(audience laughs)
Now you can come in.
(cannon fires)
(audience laughs)
Why did I do that?
My name isn't Cassidy.
Sometimes I wake up and I
have this black cloud over me
and I just go nuts.
(audience laughs)
(snoring)
- Wake up.
Wake up!
Rip, Rip van Winkle wake up!
- Yes yes, what is it my dear?
- You've been
asleep for 20 years.
- Well, why didn't
you wake me earlier?
- You just started
snoring a few minutes ago.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- I know a man who
solved his drinking problem.
He became a millionaire,
now he can afford all he wants.
(audience laughs)
- You know this nutty world
of ours really worries me.
- What's the trouble?
- Well, according to statistics,
every third child born
in the world is Chinese.
- So?
- Well, my sister has two kids
and now she's pregnant again.
(audience laughs)
- You ding a ling, you
think it's gonna be Chinese?
- Well why not,
the first two were.
(audience laughs)
- Read all about it, the
latest on Judge Crater.
Read all about it honey,
the latest on Judge Crater.
- Here, give me a paper.
(cars honking)
Where is it?
Well I don't see
anything in this paper
about Judge Crater.
- Well that's the latest honey.
(audience laughs)
- Now it's not that people
over 30 don't approve
of the new morality, they
just don't know how to use it.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, speaking of our
weird weird weird world,
April, believe it or not, is
coming up sometime this year,
and we thought it would
be a rather good time
to explain to those who
are not already familiar with it
how the income
tax deductions work.
- First you fill out a W4 form,
usually people deduct
exactly how many deductions
they actually have,
and if you and your boss
will deduct less
from your paychecks
so that when the paycheck comes
you'll even have more to pay,
but not as much as if
you didn't have any at all.
Now mind you, these
deductions are the same type
as those on your 1040 form
in April or July if you're late.
But these deductions must
be however as many people
exactly you have that
are real deductions,
and the more you
have, the less you pay
if you have to pay, or
the more you get back
if what you already paid
from the W4 deductions
is more than you owe already.
Now next week I'll be here
to explain the oil depletion
allowance, or how to make
chocolate chip cookies.
- Are you Santa Clause?
- Of course not.
- Then stop fooling
around with my stockings.
(audience laughs)
- Today, University
of Burbank historian
Dr. Stanley L. Spearow,
blamed the decline and fall
of the Roman Empire
on a bunch of tough luck.
- If you think that's weird,
I know a school that
schedules recesses
right after the sex
education class.
Isn't that wild for
a barber college?
(audience laughs)
- Well, so much for you
and your weird world,
how did you like it?
- Not much, only a nut
would live in a place like that.
- My very point.
- Hit it Ross.
With some effort we
achieved a lunar landing
In the race to space
we vowed we had to win
If we now could just
achieve some understanding
In this weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world
This maxi mini cheery world
This weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
- Wanna see my flounder?
- No.
Here's the world we're in.
(audience laughs)
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh not now, I've
been eating garlic.
(audience laughs)
(bouncing)
(splashes)
- Oh Charles, you must come
home, the children need you.
The younger one is wearing
mini skirts and lipstick
and the older one oh!
Is thinking of
marrying a sailor!
- What's wrong with that?
- Well don't you remember?
We've got two boys.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(cow mooing)
- And now Miss Ruth Buzzi,
her orchestra, and
her entire voice.
(applause)
(operatic singing)
(singing moves into laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of sonic
booms, by Henry Gibson.
Every time a jet goes by,
my cow lets out a holler,
and it makes my hens so nervous,
they get ring around the collar.
My mutton stew collapses,
my egg crates hit the ground,
sure gets hairy in the dairy
when those jumbo
jets come round.
(audience laughs)
- You know Dan, I
had Hoss Cartwright
over to my house today.
- All right.
- Yup, showed him my
new sunken living room.
- You don't have a
sunken living room?
- I do now.
(audience laughs)
- Ponder.
- Rosa.
- Well Tyrone, have you
propsed to Gladys yet?
- Oh alas Mr. Rowan,
compounding the vexing quandary
is what I haltingly acknowledge
to be a paucity of insight
into the gentler gender.
- What did he say?
- He says Gladys
doesn't understand him.
- Wonder where he'd
get an idea like that?
- Hey Tyrone, maybe
we can help you with her,
because I understand you,
Dick understands women.
- Yeah baby.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you what Tyrone,
Dick and I will go with you,
and from this point
on we'll be together
right up through the
entire marital ordeal.
- Ohhh, very well
gentlemen, your presence
might expedite the proposal,
but it's gonna make a
mess out of the honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- What did he say?
- He said he'd be delighted.
- You are dumb,
you are really dumb.
- You know Mr. Dan Blocker,
I think the character
you play on Bonanza
is just fabulous, just
great, and you know what?
At home, I have a great big
brother whose name is also Hoss.
- Kidding, well that
may be so Teresa,
but you gotta remember,
he's a Hoss of a different color.
(audience laughs)
- Watch it.
- (mumbling) Buncha
rosses on the ponderosa,
I shot 'em and ate 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Let's gear up and wind
it up and go to the party.
- Oh I couldn't drink,
not what after what
happened this morning.
- What happened this morning?
- Wait, you see
this drunk, he lives
next door to me.
- Oh dear.
- And his department was
burned down completely.
- Is that a fact, did
anybody get hurt?
- No, when they asked this
drunk how the fire got started
he said, I don't know, it was
burning when I went to bed.
(audience laughs)
- Well as long as you're
into such a hot time
let's go to the party.
(applause)
(lively music)
- The delegates
to the peace talks
have adopted a new theme
song, Paris in the spring.
And in the summer,
and in the fall,
and then there's winter.
(lively music)
- My son-in-law Arthur
is so inconsiderate.
Why he returned my
wedding gift unused.
And when I think of the money
that I spent on those bunk beds.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I performed my first
hippy wedding yesterday.
Instead of throwing
the bridal bouquet,
they all sat around
and smoked it.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- It looks like next year,
there'll be so many people
from South Carolina
in Washington DC,
that they're gonna call the
White House uncle Strom's cabin.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I just read that
a group of hippies
recently re-enacted
the Boston tea party.
This time they threw their
draft cards in the harbor,
smoked the tea, and
flew the boat to Sweden.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Our club realizes
there is a generation gap.
We've decided to hear
the children's side of it.
This week our special guest
speaker will be Shirley Temple.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I took all my best
payees down to the gallery
and had a one man show.
He was marvelous but I
wish he had bought something.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Hey wouldn't you like
to come up to my place
after the party?
- Okay but remember I won't
stand for any fooling around.
- You just made me
a very happy man.
- Ha, heaven now make me one.
(lively music) (audience laughs)
Guess what?
I asked Boris what he
thought of the weaker sex,
and he said it's
better than none at all.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- You got a strange
country here in America.
Bayou, the subways isn't safe,
the streets isn't safe,
the parks isn't safe,
but under arms is everybody
got complete protection.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- The other day at the studio,
I did a torrid love scene.
It turned out so well
the producer wants me
to do one in a movie!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I don't know why
we're having such trouble
with Vietnamization,
after all Hanoi
did it very well
eight years ago.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Now the law says you
cannot be turned down for a job
because of race or sex.
In fact, I just got a job
as a Japanese gardener,
awesome baby!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Hey Goldie.
- What?
- You know Ralph Nader.
- No I don't, but
tell me about him.
- Well he's...
- Tell me tell me tell me!
- Well I'm going to, he's the
guy about the auto industry,
you know, and now
he's turning his attention
to the meat industry.
- Well, now that's silly
because how will they ever
get seat belts
around a rump roast?
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- You know, I've got two
uncles who don't have to pay
any taxes at all.
One of them is on welfare,
and one makes a
million dollars a year.
- I say that is fantastic!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
(applause)
- Hey Dan, you know
my boyfriend's leg,
his right leg is a little
shorter than his left leg
and he limps something awful.
What would you do in his case?
- I'd probably limp.
(audience laughs)
- I hope he gets here on time.
- I do too.
- Oh!
- [Dick and Dan] Miss Orensby.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(Tyrone muttering)
- Go on, go on!
- Tell the epitome of
maidenly enamorada
that she inspires within
this palpitating entity
the liveliest sentiments
of matrimonial ardor.
- What Tyrone means Gladys,
is that he feels for you deeply.
(Tyrone humming)
(audience laughs)
- I thought I understood
women, but this is something else.
(audience laughs)
- Don't be
discouraged, try it again.
- Convey to that embodiment
of all feminine rectitude
that our mutual merging
in the fulfillment of wedlock
is a consummation
devoutly to be desired.
- Oh that's beautiful.
What Tyrone means
Gladys, is he wants you.
(Tyrone humming)
(audience laughs)
- Well, you're on your own.
(Tyrone chuckling and humming)
- My dear Miss Orensby,
the truth of the matter
is I desire to,
ah ah, lo dee dee, da pum pum.
(audience laughs)
Miss Orensby, I desire
your hand in marriage.
(orchestral music)
(audience laughs)
- I accept.
- You accept?
Uh oh.
(audience laughs)
- First of all, we're
gonna have to get you
some new clothes.
Then we're gonna
have to get the ring,
and then we'll have to arrange
for all the announcements,
and you have to meet my mother.
But above all, you're
gonna have to stop
hanging around
with low lifes like that!
(audience laughs)
- You're right, if I
hadn't started off
with low lifes like
this in the first place,
I wouldn't be stuck
here in the second place.
(audience laughs)
Lay there, get worms.
(audience laughs)
- Gladys looks like she
was playing pin the tail
on the donkey and it kicked her.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, some of
our guests are dressed
rather curiously for
a formal wedding.
Surely there's
something more suitable
than white sheets
and pointed hoods.
(audience laughs)
- Time now... (Dick humming)
- Oh I thought the
fanfare had ended.
Time now for our flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
elegant, elevated,
enlightener tonight?
- The Middleview
Wildlife Preserve
near Marysville,
California, who according to
the San Francisco Chronicle,
have been training wild ducks.
- Do they teach them
to do clever tricks?
- Sure they do.
First they put the
ducks in a pen.
Now when it's time to eat,
they beep an automobile horn
and the ducks march a thousand
feet down to a feeding pond.
- Boy, that's sounds
like the kind of an act
Ed Sullivan would've jumped at.
- Oh yeah, it's real keen.
Now after the ducks
learn where their food is,
they put them up in
a 20 foot tower, see?
And they honk the
automobile horn again.
- And of course they
fly straight toward
the old feeding pond.
- Yup.
- Then they do
their clever tricks.
- Well, not actually
see, in mid flight,
they're just blasted
right out of the sky
by members of Middleview,
and these members pay
up to a thousand
dollars for the privilege
of shooting those ducks.
- Just like that?
- Yup, now according
to one of the owners,
Mr. Clyde McRonell's,
he says quote,
I don't want the ducks to
know what's happening,
because no ducks are
coming back from that pond.
(audience laughs)
- You know it doesn't
sound to me like any ducks
are ever gonna
make it to that pond.
- Not too many.
McRonnell's looks
upon this type of shooting
as conservation, you know.
- We need his
conservation of dead ducks
like smokey the bear
needs a forest fire.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, McRonnell's says quote,
for every duck that's
gonna be killed here,
there's one more duck that's
going to be flying in the wild.
- I think he
deserves the finger.
- For poor sportsmanship?
- Also for poor arithmetic.
- Well here it is,
Middleview Wildlife Preserve,
place it carefully up
on your duck tower,
take a pot shot at it.
- It's just one
more sitting duck
for your conservation program.
- Pow pow.
- Wanna see my flying flounder?
(imitates duck noises)
(lively music)
- Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.
(lively music)
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Dan Blocker.
(dramatic drumming)
(audience laughs)
What are you doing?
- I decided to skip
this part of the show.
(audience laughs)
- Gee Mr. Como,
you know I can't wait
to see your special
at the end of this week,
you know the one about
the American Indian?
- The American Indian?
- Yeah, you know, the
many moons of Perry Como?
- Oh, you poor child.
That's the many
moods of Perry Como,
but thanks for bringing it up.
- Oh that's all right,
listen I love plugging Indians,
especially Blackfoot.
Does the name
Hiawatha ring a bell?
- No, but Drooby.
(audience laughs)
(Teresa laughs dramatically)
- Pretty soon (laughs)
it'll be the Farkle
time (laughs)
I can hardly wait to see
that Farkle family (laughs).
I like 'em.
(lively music)
My brother has something clever
He wants to say it to you
And to help him
with his endeavor
We're giving him his queue
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
Yous
We just love to give you a news
Ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
- Say the secret word.
Here's Danny boy (applause)
- Get back to your life.
- And now, here's
the man who the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's lookey!
(band music) (applause)
- The most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughs)
Dateline, New York City,
today, I just almost said
toy but, actually it's today,
pharmaceutical
manufacturers announced plans
to market the
most effective form
of birth control yet devised.
It will be merchandised
under its original name,
the sleeping pill.
(audience laughs)
- Five, six, seven,
(audience laughs)
Dateline, Berkely California,
college regions today
adopted a new plan
to curb student dissent.
The plan calls for
making student protesting
and rioting required courses.
They believe that once the
courses become mandatory,
students will treat them
like any other subject
and lose interest.
(audience laughs)
(Dick laughs dramatically)
Now take it away Goldie.
(horn honks)
- I love this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
now it's Dan Rowan
who will give you
the future news.
- No Goldie, you've
confused your tenses,
will give you is in the future.
See, now if you had said
Dan Rowan is giving you,
that's the present.
- Goody!
Ladies and gentlemen Dan
Rowan is giving me a present
in the future!
Hurry up Dan and read the
news because I want to unwrap it
and I certainly hope
it isn't another necktie
like last year.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
Washington DC, 1975,
five years from now.
Encouraged by the
success of the Indian claim
on Alcatraz, Mexican-Americans
today reclaimed Texas.
The French reclaimed Louisiana,
and the Smothers
Brothers reoccupied CBS.
(audience laughs)
Washington DC, 1986.
For the past 16 years,
the Supreme Court vacancy
left by Abe Fortas
has remained unfilled.
Efforts to select someone
with no conflict of interest
have finally narrowed down to
Kate Smith and Wayne Newton,
who were chose to be
completely lacking in conflict
and totally devoid of interest.
(horn honking)
- Can you give me
my present now?
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- Okay.
(horn honking)
- You're gonna get it.
- And now will we
go back in the time,
to Sherwood Forest to find out
what the real story was behind
the demise of Robin Hood.
Ciao!
(coughing)
- I fear I'm dying.
I'm dying Little John.
- Robin no, no Robin!
- Do me a favor, hand me my bow.
(Robin coughs)
and so I fire this
for the last time,
and wheresoever it
shall land in the forest,
there shall I be buried.
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(audience laughs)
- Oh gee.
And he only had a slight cold.
(audience laughs)
- Now here's the guy
all sports lovers voted
the guy who most
likely to be locked up
in a locker room with,
other then Groucho Marx,
and the number
uno sport of all time,
say the secret
word, it's Big Al.
That is
fantastic!
- Hi, Big Al here in the old
grunt and groan spring boy.
(bell ringing)
(laughing) Doesn't
that do it for ya?
Listen, I'm talking today with
the most fearsome wrestler
of them all, known the world
over as the mass wonder.
How do you do, Mr. Wonder?
- Like this. (screams)
(audience laughs)
- I barely know
you, put me down!
- Did I hurt you
there little kid?
- You must be a terrific dancer.
(audience laughs)
What's the most thrilling
victory of your career?
- They could've swallowed
me and Billy Wilder.
- Oh tell us about it King Kong.
- Well first, we gotta move you.
(screaming) (crackling)
- That's it, there goes the
vertebrae if you don't mind,
onto the floor, thank you.
I already gave it the office.
(audience laughs)
Big Al say tata, or maybe
goodbye, who knows.
That ding dong broke
the little ding a ling.
(metallic clash)
Kiss it.
(audience laughs)
(horns honking)
Ladies and gents
Laugh and looked at the news
- Say the secret word.
- You hear that hateful
witch doctor told me
he was going to stick pins
in a doll made in my image.
- Oh Charles!
- I know, it's ridiculous.
- I certainly hope so.
(water splashing)
- Oh, Charles! (audience laughs)
Poor darling.
(silly bouncing noises)
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mr. Co, Mr. Perry Co,
it's so ex, because I was just,
you know when you
were rehearsing for your,
and you were just
right in the next,
I couldn't be, for myself,
because I'm just a, I'm a small,
I came from Detroit, I never
expected to see you in per,
because I am, Bob Hope,
well he was actually
standing right,
and I could see his
nose, everything,
I saw his whole
physio, everything,
Nancy Sinatra, she had,
she didn't even have on boots,
but I saw, and
everybody, that's a flip,
all right now Flip
Wilson, he was there,
he was so terrific,
I couldn't believe it,
it was so, and when
you, the dancers,
it was such a
thrilling, I couldn't,
it was just, I don't
know, I don't know,
it was, my
mother's thrilled too.
(audience laughs)
- Polly.
- That's a litle Hoss.
(Goldie laughing)
- Thanks heavens darling,
lost here for 22 years,
it's so lonesome you know.
I only hope you
left some kind of trail
so we can find our way back
out of this wretched jungle.
- Course my darling,
you see I dropped buttons
all along the way.
- Master we're rich, look at
all the swell buttons I found.
- Hussy!
- Today unrest on the
campus has even reached
the nursery school.
(children singing)
- All right children, now
it's time to put our toys away
and take our little naps.
- [Children] Aw, no.
- [Teacher] That's it,
good little boys and girls.
- Aw, nap time just
when we're having fun.
- Yeah, we never have any fun.
- Yeah, she never
leaves us alone.
- [Goldie] I know.
- Guess what?
I'm breaking out of this place.
- Is you gonna escape man?
- Yeah the nursery
school ain't been built
that could hold me.
- Oh when Arte, when?
- Well, right after recess,
they won't be expecting it then.
Broke it again.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, big break out
after recess, pass it along.
- Psst, break out,
recess, pass the word!
- Hey, break out, pass it along!
- Break...
- Students will do their thing
in the face of
overwhelming odds.
- We want ice cream.
- [Everybody] We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
- Children, stop!
- [Everybody] We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
(shrill whistling)
- Hey hey hey,
she's calling the fight!
(children yelling)
- Our youth doesn't know
the meaning of the word fear.
- [Arte] I'm going
over the wall!
- [Girl] Oh there he is!
- [Arte] You'll never take
me alive Miss Beager!
- [Father] Arte, my son,
now don't do anything foolish.
- Yeah, well forget
it Father Larson,
you're too late,
you're too late to talk
and I've had it with this place!
(children cheering)
- We wanna be free!
I'm going out there!
And no one can stop me!
(children cheering)
- And you're coming with me.
- [Father] Now
just a minute son,
why are you taking Miss Beager?
- Because my mommy won't
let me cross the street alone.
(audience laughs)
- Why did you call
your new special
the return of the
Smothers brothers?
- Well because when
we originally did it
CBS returned it.
(audience laughs)
- (hearty laughing)
it's almost nine o'clock!
Where's the Farkle family?
Help me (laughing).
- Felicitations fair
friend, for frivolity,
we fearlessly face you
with the five fantastic
frolicking family,
Farkle family,
featuring the founding
fathers first feast.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, this is my
wife, Fanny Farkle.
- And these are our children,
Mark and Sparkle Farkle.
- And these are the twins.
- Simon and Garfarkle.
- I'm Simon.
- And I'm Gar.
- We're Simon.
- And Garfarkle.
- [Together] We're
the Farkle twins.
(audience laughs)
- And these are our
brothers, Fritz and Fred Farkle.
- I am Fritz Farkle.
- And I'm Fred Farkle.
(audience laughs)
- And he is our
father Frank Farkle.
- And this is her...
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkle.
We are the famous
founding Farkle's.
- And this is our
faithful friend fur trapper
Ferg Burfle.
- Hi Ferg.
- Hi Frank, Fanny.
- Ferg.
- How are the furs, Ferg?
- Fine, Frank.
- Fanny, Ferg says
his furs are fine.
- Oh I heard
Ferg's furs are fine.
- She heard Ferg.
- I heard she heard, Frank.
- You stay for the feast, Ferg?
- Fine, Fanny.
- Mmm, we'll have a fine
fare for the Farkle family's
first feast.
- Succulent summer squash!
- Pots of plump peas!
- Cups of cream corn!
- Plenty of potato pancakes!
- Diced ham.
- Riced clam!
- Iced spam.
- Spiced ram and...
- Pie!
- Someone approaches,
it's Chief Flying Falcon.
- How!
- You'll stay for
the feast of course?
- No thanks, I've already eaten.
My family famished.
(audience laughs)
- Fine looking family of
Indians you got there Chief.
- How.
- Well I've been trapping
fox furs in this forest
for a full five years.
- Oh, sure folk, this
is first time of many
when Indian feel futile
because of the fierce fury
of Ferg's fickle feather.
(audience laughs)
- AM and FM.
- How Farkle family, I want
you to meet flying falcons.
This fierce fox flying falcon,
him fast fish flying falcon,
her fat fair flying falcon,
him filthy pheasant
flying falcon,
and that one flying Phil.
- How.
- Flying falcons, meet Farkle's.
Fierce fox flying falcon,
Frank Farkle, Fanny Farkle,
fast fish flying falcon,
Mark and Sparkle Farkle.
Fat fair flying falcon.
- And Ferg Burfle,
fearless fur trapper
and the Farkle's fondest friend.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, me thinks Burfle
speaks with fork in tongue.
(audience laughs)
- The name Fred Farkle
strike a familiar bell
with you Farkle fans, if so,
keep them cards
and letters coming in.
(audience laughs)
(bell ringing)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Oh!
- Oh, what's the matter now?
- Well I'm just,
oh it's to stop you.
- Thought it was
another seizure.
- No no, I just wanted
to say thank you
to the vocal
minorities in the nation
for bringing all of us a
little peace and quiet.
- No no, the vocal
minorities make all the noise,
it's the silent
majority that's quiet.
- Well aren't you
thankful for that?
Can you imagine how loud it
would be if the vocal minorities
were quiet and the silent
majority was making all the noise?
(audience laughs)
- I see that, say
goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight vocal minority.
- Goodnight, silent and vocal.
(applause) (band music)
- I've got a friend whose
wife must be a great cook,
he came home
unexpected last night,
and there was a truck
driver eating there.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, I eat like a pig,
work like a horse,
and I'm sick as a dog.
- Why don't you see a vet?
(audience laughs)
- If you don't
want your children
to hear what you're
saying, why don't you just
pretend you're talking to them?
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs dramatically)
- I'm not as big a
fool as I used to be,
I just lost 10 pounds.
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
- [Man] What?
- Everybody always
says to me, they says,
Jo Anne, why can't you
find yourself a nice husband?
And I always says, I find
a lot of nice husbands,
it's just a lot of nice
bachelors I'm looking for.
(audience laughs)
- Hit it Ross!
- It's hard to be a
moderate in this country,
you just keep making
enemies right and left.
(audience laughs)
- My boyfriend said he wanted
to see me in the worst way!
So, I told him to come
around before breakfast.
- You know last night, I
was sure I needed glasses.
- Well what was the trouble?
- Well I was standing at
this party with both hands
full of Scotch!
(audience laughs)
- Oh you're right there!
You know, you know
you are confused
when you think
Shirley Temple Black
is an integrated synagogue.
(audience laughs)
- You know I've got a new
watch, which tells the time
and the date.
- [Man] Is that so?
- Good heavens, it's a
quarter to Evie Brickers.
And 30 minutes
till Joan Collins.
(audience laughs)
- Knock knock, Henry!
Hello my darling Henry Gibson!
- Hello!
- If you kiss me, sir la mouth,
I'll be yours forever.
- Thank you.
- All right.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear what
Tarzan's last words were?
- [Man] No, what?
- Who greased the vine?
(audience laughs)
- You know, my brother
is a kleptomaniac.
His psychiatrist told him
to take something for it.
(audience laughs)
- I knew a girl who's a
target for a knife thrower.
It pays well, each
time he hits her
he gives her a
five dollar bonus.
(audience laughs)
- You know Goldie, the other
day I heard a sheep say moo.
- Yeah?
- What do you think about that?
(audience laughs)
- Hey Jack?
- Yeah baby!
- What do you cross, what
do you get when you cross
Bugs bunny with a computer?
- A rabbit that
multiplies itself?
- You got it baby!
(audience laughs)
- Who says television's
not educational?
Do you ever think about
how many repairmen's
sons you're sending
through college?
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(trombone makes siren sound)
(loud explosion)
(silly music)
First you put your two
knees Toes so tight
And then you split into the left
(audience laughs)
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Little girl, god.
- Everybody needs somebody.
(audience laughs)
- I'm tired of being
a rabbit, I just hate it.
(audience laughs)
- The proceeded
pre-recorded pro, pre that,
the pro repaired pre,
the programming corpor,
anyway folks, this
show is already on film
before to give me time
to say that, thank you.
(audience laughs)
(air whooshing)
- [Woman] Someone
else just stopped smoking.
- Very interesting, but fatal.
Or a fatal butt.
(laughing)
A colloquial colloquialism.
Anyway you lose, believe me
I know something about losing.
Well, good night
Lucy, you are a winner,
and Gary, well one out of two.
(audience laughs)
- What Wolfgang?
I thought you told me to
meet you at the bunker?
- That's right Hoss.
- But I don't see the bunker.
- Stupid, you are the bunker!
(audience laughs)
Or you're Mount
Everest (laughs).
(clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- So you're Tommy Smothers.
- That's right.
- Tell me, are you going to have
any unwholesome sex
or nudity on your special?
- No, absolutely not, no sir.
- Well then, it scarcely
seems worth watching.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
- You hear about the
guy that hit his wife?
The judge says that'll be $105.
$100 fine and $5 amusement tax.
(audience laughs)
- A friend of mine was
looking at an apartment
and he asked the manager,
"Do you take children here?"
The manager said,
"No, just cash or check."
(audience laughs)
- I'm using a 23
hour deodorant now.
After all, I need
some time to myself.
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
- What Goldie?
- The anti-litter people
are trying to keep
the junk off the
highways and, you know,
but Detroit is just too
turning out much too fast.
- Dick!
(laughs) Dick, did you
hear about the farmer
who crossed the
cow with a camel?
Well, he doesn't know
exactly what he got
but he only has to milk it
once every three months.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) I know this
guy whose doctor told him
he was going to die in six
months so he said, okay...
Hey, Doc.
But I can't pay so he gave
him another six months (laughs).
- Oh, did I hit you?
- No, darling.
- Do you know where
they get virgin wool?
- No.
- From the fastest
sheep in the flock.
(audience laughs)
- Jo Anne, did you hear about
the street cleaner
who lost his job
because he couldn't keep
his mind out of the gutter?
- No, Henry, but I
did hear about a man
who was so near-sighted
that he shot an arrow
into the air and he missed.
And I say, personally, on
my behalf, that that is fantastic.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know that if Dracula
married Jackie Onassis,
he wouldn't have to
put the bite on anybody?
(audience laughs)
- A little dog saw a sign that
said wet cement, so he did.
(audience laughs)
- My eight year old
daughter thinks she's Jewish
but we won't tell
her any different
because we want
her to marry a doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Dick?
- Yeah, baby.
- Listen, check me, do you
notice anything offensive?
- No.
- Oh good, it must be you.
I wanted to ask you something.
Have you ever tried
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- Only as a first resort.
- My new fiance thinks
I want to marry him
because his father left
him so much money,
but that's not true!
I don't care who
left him the money.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear what happened
to the shortest outlaw?
They hanged him
from the nearest stump.
(audience laughs)
- I was really terribly lucky
during the recent rainstorms
and mudslides, my
$30,000 house turned into
a $100,000 neighborhood.
(audience laughs)
- I believe in clubs for women
but only when kindness fails.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Fine Arts
Museum and city dump,
NBC reluctantly presents
"Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in".
Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin,
the Fabulous Flying Fourtettes.
With special guest star, the
lovely and large Dan Blocker,
Arte Johnson, with Ruth Buzzi,
Judy Carne, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues,
and supersonic Jo Anne Worley.
Also, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Lily Tomlin,
and John Brown.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this important message.
Dit dit dee dada, or with this
word to the wise, smarties.
- Hi, I'm Dan Blocker.
There's been a lot of
changes in guys' fashions.
Today a guy can
wear his hair longer.
Nobody thinks a guy is
peculiar because he smells nice.
So I use Savage, all
the guys in my crowd do.
(audience laughs)
History has given us men
who will be remembered
for various reasons.
There was Julius
Caesar and Marc Anthony,
Albert Einstein
and Louis Pasteur,
Woodrow Wilson and
Warren G. Harding.
Now here's two guys
who will be remembered
for being almost as funny
as the first group I mentioned,
Dan Rowan and his
famous flounder, Dick Martin.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Tumbling in here,
good evening ladies and,
and tonight Dick,
did you know...
- That one of my
ancestors invented
the hot water bottle?
Yes, I knew that.
- Brilliant.
- Well not really,
he was actually
trying to invent the ice bag
when the fire broke out.
(audience laughs)
- You're weird.
Your uncle's weird.
Your whole family's weird.
And that brings us
to tonight's subject,
the weird, weird
world in which we live.
- I don't wanna play.
- What do you mean,
you don't wanna play?
- Well that's it, I
don't wanna play,
you've hurt my feelings.
- Oh, come on.
- You've called me and
my whole family weird
in front of everybody.
- Well, you know I
didn't mean that you...
- Well it's okay, you
probably didn't know
that my Uncle Humbold...
- Your Uncle Humbold?
- Uncle Humbold, he spent
practically his entire life
trying to point out to the world
is a sane place to live,
but he couldn't do it.
- He couldn't, why not?
- Well, it's kinda hard to point
when you're in
a straight jacket.
(audience laughter)
- That's what I mean,
it's a weird world,
now you take a
thing like marriage...
- Never!
- Don't get nervous...
- Blah!
- Yesterday, or only
years ago, or whenever,
one marriage in
10 ended in divorce,
and do you know
what it is today?
More like one in four?
- Well, that's more like it,
at least we're making
some progress.
- Well that's not
progress, you dumb bell,
you don't see things
in the proper light,
that's really
nice, you're weird.
- Well let's step
over there then.
- No you step over there,
now the rest of us
are gonna take a look
at this weird, weird
world in which we live.
You're a weirdo.
- Wanna see the farkle?
- I don't wanna, sad...
- Hit it, Ross.
It's bizarre It's a
mess It's baroque SOS
It's a farce
Nonetheless it's weird
When we go to see a
show like Oh Calcutta
Do we go to see
the acting or the skin
Well it's 10 to one
your mind is in the gutter
What a weird, weird, weird
Weird, weird,
weird world we're in
Rex Reed for president?
When we view the life
of Jacqueline Onassis.
Are we envious of
Jackie's social spin?
Have you caught that look
behind her colored glasses?
It's a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world she's in
We're not supposed
to mention A B C
Shirley Temple Black
is giving speeches
While we worship at
the shrine of Tiny Tim
We keep oiling up
the California beaches
Do you somehow feel
the chances of survival
Folks are getting pretty slim
When we see the diamond
mines of Lizzy Burton
All that money spent
on baubles isn't it
With so many children
starving it's for certain
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird
world we're in.
It makes sense to Goldie
So we wait around
for Spiro's next duration
One that's guaranteed
to set your teeth on edge
And with Millhouse still
maneuvering the nation
Find an open window
somewhere on the 14th floor
And jump right off the edge
We are told that good
old marriage is out moded
And the answer is
for folks to live in sin
Whether or not the
population just exploded
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world
A maxi mini cheery world
A weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
(audience applause)
- You think the
world is strange,
I know a girl who got
her saccharin tablets
mixed up with her
birth control pills, ha!
She had the sweetest
little kid you ever saw.
(audience laughs)
- Dear, don't you think
you're leaving a little early?
- Of course not, it'll take
me nine month to get there
and return with a doctor.
(audience laughter)
- Everybody been talking
about them young soldier boys
mom got coming to visit her,
it's only a platonic
relationship,
it's a play for them
and a tonic for mom.
(audience laughs)
- We've got a few problems.
There's an investigating
committee looking into
a conflict of interest.
- Well, I have nothing to fear.
- Well yes I know, but
what about your brother
getting those defense contracts?
- It was my patriotic duty,
if this country can't
trust my brother,
who can it trust?
- I hope the investigating
committee agrees with you sir.
- Oh, they will.
- How can you be so sure?
- Well, if you'll recall,
I'm also chairman of the
investigating committee.
(audience laughs)
- That's sure.
- Darling, would you take
a look at the refrigerator,
I think there's
something wrong with it.
- Okay honey.
(audience laughs)
- If you think that's strange,
how about the fathers who
complain about their kids
seeing too much
brutality on television,
then take them to the
football game on the weekend,
oh far out.
(audience laughs)
- What rotten luck.
This had to happen
on my vacation.
- You think you got trouble,
I'm here on my honeymoon!
(audience laughs)
See, I came to visit a friend.
- Oh, she sick?
- No she's feeling much
better now thank you.
(audience laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Most asked
question this week is,
what was the least
asked question this week?
- The answer is what was the
most asked question this week?
The second most asked
question this week was,
what was the second least
asked question this week?
- The answer is
Patty Duke, 1903.
(audience laughs)
- Now that you're
getting out of the army,
I suppose you just
can't wait till I die
so you can spit
on my grave, right?
- Oh no sergeant!
I swore that when I
got out of the army,
I'd never stand in line again.
(audience laughs)
- If you think that's
funny, you should hear
Wayne Newton's
single sleep in the deep.
(lively music)
- Speaking of weirdos,
shall I tell them about
Lilly Saint Parmesan,
the Italian strip teaser?
- Who?
- Oh you don't know about her?
- No.
- Oh, she's marvelous,
she's from Naples.
- What does she do?
- Naples?
- Yeah, it's in Italy.
- Yeah, oh. (audience laughs)
- She does a strip tease.
She comes out on the
runway dressed in three pizzas.
- Three pizzas.
- Then as the music
plays Arrivederci Roma,
she takes off one
anchovy at a time.
- Sounds delicious.
- It's fantastic.
- Yes, but was it tasteful?
(audience laughs) (lively music)
You know the world
is like a newborn baby,
no matter how
often it's changed,
it keeps making
a mess of things.
(audience laughs)
- I'd like to draw
some unemployment.
- Very well, are you eligible?
- Of course, I'm unemployed.
- Uh, where were you employed?
- Well I wasn't, that's the
reason I'm unemployed.
- Sorry sir, you can't
draw unemployment
unless you were employed.
- You mean if I were employed
then I could draw unemployment?
- No, you can't draw
unemployment if you are employed.
- Well if I can't draw
it if I'm employed,
and I can't draw it
if I'm unemployed,
then what can I do?
- Don't ask me baby,
I'm just employed here.
(audience laughs)
- Need a helper?
(audience laughs)
(cars zooming)
(lively music)
- Weird.
- Hit it Ross.
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
- Gee Hoss, you
know what Cartwright,
you're the (laughing).
You're the fattest
gun in the west.
- That's the fastest gun Goldie.
- Well keep it under your hat
and I won't
breathe a word of it.
- You know Goldie, like riding
shotgun on an empty stage.
- Thank you, me too.
(audience laughs)
- (laughing) Oh folks, get set.
The Farkle family should
be showing their fine,
funny faces, (laughing) in
about four or five minutes.
(laughing) I'm a Farkle freak!
(horse neighing)
- Hit it Ross.
We have made a
superstar of Phyllis Dillar
Now she admits her
shape has only been 10 10
Well I guess it's time
to bring back Mrs. Miller
What a weird weird weird weird
Weird weird world we're in
Think about William Buckley
There's a happy group
that's keeping pot unlawful
While they're throwing
down the vodka and the gin
Getting stoned on
glue is equally as awful
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
- You think that Frank and
me will ever get back together?
We're enchanted by the
charm of John and Yoko
They look scruffy but
they've found their inner calm
We're so happy Katherine
Hepburn's playing Coco
When you think of all
those talents got together
And they've made
themselves a bomb
With the corsets and the
griffins and the caveats
Is the art of
conversation growing thin
Every show has toady
feels and Jacob Javits
What a weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
Here's the world we're in
- I do terrific bird calls.
- Really, let's
hear your bird call.
- Here bird, here bird.
(audience laughs)
(bird whistling)
- I say give a woman an inch
and she'll try to
park a car in it.
(audience laughs)
- The first beer
drinking contest of 1970
was won today by
Mr. Mickey Lobe,
who drank 28 cases
of beer in 14 minutes.
Well immediately
following his triumph,
Mr. Lobe was rushed by
his friend, Mr. Budweiser,
to the Bush Knee Clinic,
where xrays revealed,
to an amazed staff
of incredulous doctors,
the world's first kidney
with a head on it.
After his recovery,
Mr. Mickey Lobe announced
I'm all bushed, well
I'm certainly not thirsty.
(audience laughs)
- Today's credit and prices
make it easy to buy a home,
but pretty tough to pay for it.
(lively music)
- Madam, would you like
this pizza cut into six pieces
or eight pieces?
- Uh six, I'd never be able
to eat eight pieces of pizza.
(audience laughs)
- Now tell me all about this
fantastic new diet you went on.
- [Woman] Well, I uh...
- I read about an
85 year old man
marrying a 15 year old girl.
- No fooling?
- Darn little.
(audience laughs)
(gun shots)
- [Man] You're
surrounded Cassidy,
throw out your gun
and you won't get hurt!
- Okay copper, here's my gun.
- [Man] Okay Cassidy,
we're coming in.
- No no no, not yet.
- [Man] Come on
Cassidy, open up.
- I told you I'm not ready yet.
- [Man] Here we come Cassidy.
- No no, wait just a minute.
- [Man] I said open up!
- Oh, stop yelling at me.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] We're coming
through Cassidy!
- I told you to
stop yelling at me,
I'm a nervous wreck in
here, I'm all by myself,
I don't know what's going on,
I haven't had anything
to eat in two days,
I hate TV dinners,
I just won't eat it.
(audience laughs)
Now you can come in.
(cannon fires)
(audience laughs)
Why did I do that?
My name isn't Cassidy.
Sometimes I wake up and I
have this black cloud over me
and I just go nuts.
(audience laughs)
(snoring)
- Wake up.
Wake up!
Rip, Rip van Winkle wake up!
- Yes yes, what is it my dear?
- You've been
asleep for 20 years.
- Well, why didn't
you wake me earlier?
- You just started
snoring a few minutes ago.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- I know a man who
solved his drinking problem.
He became a millionaire,
now he can afford all he wants.
(audience laughs)
- You know this nutty world
of ours really worries me.
- What's the trouble?
- Well, according to statistics,
every third child born
in the world is Chinese.
- So?
- Well, my sister has two kids
and now she's pregnant again.
(audience laughs)
- You ding a ling, you
think it's gonna be Chinese?
- Well why not,
the first two were.
(audience laughs)
- Read all about it, the
latest on Judge Crater.
Read all about it honey,
the latest on Judge Crater.
- Here, give me a paper.
(cars honking)
Where is it?
Well I don't see
anything in this paper
about Judge Crater.
- Well that's the latest honey.
(audience laughs)
- Now it's not that people
over 30 don't approve
of the new morality, they
just don't know how to use it.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, speaking of our
weird weird weird world,
April, believe it or not, is
coming up sometime this year,
and we thought it would
be a rather good time
to explain to those who
are not already familiar with it
how the income
tax deductions work.
- First you fill out a W4 form,
usually people deduct
exactly how many deductions
they actually have,
and if you and your boss
will deduct less
from your paychecks
so that when the paycheck comes
you'll even have more to pay,
but not as much as if
you didn't have any at all.
Now mind you, these
deductions are the same type
as those on your 1040 form
in April or July if you're late.
But these deductions must
be however as many people
exactly you have that
are real deductions,
and the more you
have, the less you pay
if you have to pay, or
the more you get back
if what you already paid
from the W4 deductions
is more than you owe already.
Now next week I'll be here
to explain the oil depletion
allowance, or how to make
chocolate chip cookies.
- Are you Santa Clause?
- Of course not.
- Then stop fooling
around with my stockings.
(audience laughs)
- Today, University
of Burbank historian
Dr. Stanley L. Spearow,
blamed the decline and fall
of the Roman Empire
on a bunch of tough luck.
- If you think that's weird,
I know a school that
schedules recesses
right after the sex
education class.
Isn't that wild for
a barber college?
(audience laughs)
- Well, so much for you
and your weird world,
how did you like it?
- Not much, only a nut
would live in a place like that.
- My very point.
- Hit it Ross.
With some effort we
achieved a lunar landing
In the race to space
we vowed we had to win
If we now could just
achieve some understanding
In this weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world
This maxi mini cheery world
This weird weird weird
Weird weird weird world we're in
- Wanna see my flounder?
- No.
Here's the world we're in.
(audience laughs)
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Oh not now, I've
been eating garlic.
(audience laughs)
(bouncing)
(splashes)
- Oh Charles, you must come
home, the children need you.
The younger one is wearing
mini skirts and lipstick
and the older one oh!
Is thinking of
marrying a sailor!
- What's wrong with that?
- Well don't you remember?
We've got two boys.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(cow mooing)
- And now Miss Ruth Buzzi,
her orchestra, and
her entire voice.
(applause)
(operatic singing)
(singing moves into laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of sonic
booms, by Henry Gibson.
Every time a jet goes by,
my cow lets out a holler,
and it makes my hens so nervous,
they get ring around the collar.
My mutton stew collapses,
my egg crates hit the ground,
sure gets hairy in the dairy
when those jumbo
jets come round.
(audience laughs)
- You know Dan, I
had Hoss Cartwright
over to my house today.
- All right.
- Yup, showed him my
new sunken living room.
- You don't have a
sunken living room?
- I do now.
(audience laughs)
- Ponder.
- Rosa.
- Well Tyrone, have you
propsed to Gladys yet?
- Oh alas Mr. Rowan,
compounding the vexing quandary
is what I haltingly acknowledge
to be a paucity of insight
into the gentler gender.
- What did he say?
- He says Gladys
doesn't understand him.
- Wonder where he'd
get an idea like that?
- Hey Tyrone, maybe
we can help you with her,
because I understand you,
Dick understands women.
- Yeah baby.
(audience laughs)
- I'll tell you what Tyrone,
Dick and I will go with you,
and from this point
on we'll be together
right up through the
entire marital ordeal.
- Ohhh, very well
gentlemen, your presence
might expedite the proposal,
but it's gonna make a
mess out of the honeymoon.
(audience laughs)
- What did he say?
- He said he'd be delighted.
- You are dumb,
you are really dumb.
- You know Mr. Dan Blocker,
I think the character
you play on Bonanza
is just fabulous, just
great, and you know what?
At home, I have a great big
brother whose name is also Hoss.
- Kidding, well that
may be so Teresa,
but you gotta remember,
he's a Hoss of a different color.
(audience laughs)
- Watch it.
- (mumbling) Buncha
rosses on the ponderosa,
I shot 'em and ate 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Let's gear up and wind
it up and go to the party.
- Oh I couldn't drink,
not what after what
happened this morning.
- What happened this morning?
- Wait, you see
this drunk, he lives
next door to me.
- Oh dear.
- And his department was
burned down completely.
- Is that a fact, did
anybody get hurt?
- No, when they asked this
drunk how the fire got started
he said, I don't know, it was
burning when I went to bed.
(audience laughs)
- Well as long as you're
into such a hot time
let's go to the party.
(applause)
(lively music)
- The delegates
to the peace talks
have adopted a new theme
song, Paris in the spring.
And in the summer,
and in the fall,
and then there's winter.
(lively music)
- My son-in-law Arthur
is so inconsiderate.
Why he returned my
wedding gift unused.
And when I think of the money
that I spent on those bunk beds.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I performed my first
hippy wedding yesterday.
Instead of throwing
the bridal bouquet,
they all sat around
and smoked it.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- It looks like next year,
there'll be so many people
from South Carolina
in Washington DC,
that they're gonna call the
White House uncle Strom's cabin.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I just read that
a group of hippies
recently re-enacted
the Boston tea party.
This time they threw their
draft cards in the harbor,
smoked the tea, and
flew the boat to Sweden.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Our club realizes
there is a generation gap.
We've decided to hear
the children's side of it.
This week our special guest
speaker will be Shirley Temple.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I took all my best
payees down to the gallery
and had a one man show.
He was marvelous but I
wish he had bought something.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Hey wouldn't you like
to come up to my place
after the party?
- Okay but remember I won't
stand for any fooling around.
- You just made me
a very happy man.
- Ha, heaven now make me one.
(lively music) (audience laughs)
Guess what?
I asked Boris what he
thought of the weaker sex,
and he said it's
better than none at all.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- You got a strange
country here in America.
Bayou, the subways isn't safe,
the streets isn't safe,
the parks isn't safe,
but under arms is everybody
got complete protection.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- The other day at the studio,
I did a torrid love scene.
It turned out so well
the producer wants me
to do one in a movie!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- I don't know why
we're having such trouble
with Vietnamization,
after all Hanoi
did it very well
eight years ago.
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Now the law says you
cannot be turned down for a job
because of race or sex.
In fact, I just got a job
as a Japanese gardener,
awesome baby!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- Hey Goldie.
- What?
- You know Ralph Nader.
- No I don't, but
tell me about him.
- Well he's...
- Tell me tell me tell me!
- Well I'm going to, he's the
guy about the auto industry,
you know, and now
he's turning his attention
to the meat industry.
- Well, now that's silly
because how will they ever
get seat belts
around a rump roast?
(audience laughs) (lively music)
- You know, I've got two
uncles who don't have to pay
any taxes at all.
One of them is on welfare,
and one makes a
million dollars a year.
- I say that is fantastic!
(audience laughs) (lively music)
(applause)
- Hey Dan, you know
my boyfriend's leg,
his right leg is a little
shorter than his left leg
and he limps something awful.
What would you do in his case?
- I'd probably limp.
(audience laughs)
- I hope he gets here on time.
- I do too.
- Oh!
- [Dick and Dan] Miss Orensby.
(audience laughs)
(flute music)
(Tyrone muttering)
- Go on, go on!
- Tell the epitome of
maidenly enamorada
that she inspires within
this palpitating entity
the liveliest sentiments
of matrimonial ardor.
- What Tyrone means Gladys,
is that he feels for you deeply.
(Tyrone humming)
(audience laughs)
- I thought I understood
women, but this is something else.
(audience laughs)
- Don't be
discouraged, try it again.
- Convey to that embodiment
of all feminine rectitude
that our mutual merging
in the fulfillment of wedlock
is a consummation
devoutly to be desired.
- Oh that's beautiful.
What Tyrone means
Gladys, is he wants you.
(Tyrone humming)
(audience laughs)
- Well, you're on your own.
(Tyrone chuckling and humming)
- My dear Miss Orensby,
the truth of the matter
is I desire to,
ah ah, lo dee dee, da pum pum.
(audience laughs)
Miss Orensby, I desire
your hand in marriage.
(orchestral music)
(audience laughs)
- I accept.
- You accept?
Uh oh.
(audience laughs)
- First of all, we're
gonna have to get you
some new clothes.
Then we're gonna
have to get the ring,
and then we'll have to arrange
for all the announcements,
and you have to meet my mother.
But above all, you're
gonna have to stop
hanging around
with low lifes like that!
(audience laughs)
- You're right, if I
hadn't started off
with low lifes like
this in the first place,
I wouldn't be stuck
here in the second place.
(audience laughs)
Lay there, get worms.
(audience laughs)
- Gladys looks like she
was playing pin the tail
on the donkey and it kicked her.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, some of
our guests are dressed
rather curiously for
a formal wedding.
Surely there's
something more suitable
than white sheets
and pointed hoods.
(audience laughs)
- Time now... (Dick humming)
- Oh I thought the
fanfare had ended.
Time now for our flying
fickle finger of fate award.
- And who gets the
elegant, elevated,
enlightener tonight?
- The Middleview
Wildlife Preserve
near Marysville,
California, who according to
the San Francisco Chronicle,
have been training wild ducks.
- Do they teach them
to do clever tricks?
- Sure they do.
First they put the
ducks in a pen.
Now when it's time to eat,
they beep an automobile horn
and the ducks march a thousand
feet down to a feeding pond.
- Boy, that's sounds
like the kind of an act
Ed Sullivan would've jumped at.
- Oh yeah, it's real keen.
Now after the ducks
learn where their food is,
they put them up in
a 20 foot tower, see?
And they honk the
automobile horn again.
- And of course they
fly straight toward
the old feeding pond.
- Yup.
- Then they do
their clever tricks.
- Well, not actually
see, in mid flight,
they're just blasted
right out of the sky
by members of Middleview,
and these members pay
up to a thousand
dollars for the privilege
of shooting those ducks.
- Just like that?
- Yup, now according
to one of the owners,
Mr. Clyde McRonell's,
he says quote,
I don't want the ducks to
know what's happening,
because no ducks are
coming back from that pond.
(audience laughs)
- You know it doesn't
sound to me like any ducks
are ever gonna
make it to that pond.
- Not too many.
McRonnell's looks
upon this type of shooting
as conservation, you know.
- We need his
conservation of dead ducks
like smokey the bear
needs a forest fire.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, McRonnell's says quote,
for every duck that's
gonna be killed here,
there's one more duck that's
going to be flying in the wild.
- I think he
deserves the finger.
- For poor sportsmanship?
- Also for poor arithmetic.
- Well here it is,
Middleview Wildlife Preserve,
place it carefully up
on your duck tower,
take a pot shot at it.
- It's just one
more sitting duck
for your conservation program.
- Pow pow.
- Wanna see my flying flounder?
(imitates duck noises)
(lively music)
- Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.
(lively music)
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Dan Blocker.
(dramatic drumming)
(audience laughs)
What are you doing?
- I decided to skip
this part of the show.
(audience laughs)
- Gee Mr. Como,
you know I can't wait
to see your special
at the end of this week,
you know the one about
the American Indian?
- The American Indian?
- Yeah, you know, the
many moons of Perry Como?
- Oh, you poor child.
That's the many
moods of Perry Como,
but thanks for bringing it up.
- Oh that's all right,
listen I love plugging Indians,
especially Blackfoot.
Does the name
Hiawatha ring a bell?
- No, but Drooby.
(audience laughs)
(Teresa laughs dramatically)
- Pretty soon (laughs)
it'll be the Farkle
time (laughs)
I can hardly wait to see
that Farkle family (laughs).
I like 'em.
(lively music)
My brother has something clever
He wants to say it to you
And to help him
with his endeavor
We're giving him his queue
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse
Yous
We just love to give you a news
Ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
- Say the secret word.
Here's Danny boy (applause)
- Get back to your life.
- And now, here's
the man who the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's lookey!
(band music) (applause)
- The most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughs)
Dateline, New York City,
today, I just almost said
toy but, actually it's today,
pharmaceutical
manufacturers announced plans
to market the
most effective form
of birth control yet devised.
It will be merchandised
under its original name,
the sleeping pill.
(audience laughs)
- Five, six, seven,
(audience laughs)
Dateline, Berkely California,
college regions today
adopted a new plan
to curb student dissent.
The plan calls for
making student protesting
and rioting required courses.
They believe that once the
courses become mandatory,
students will treat them
like any other subject
and lose interest.
(audience laughs)
(Dick laughs dramatically)
Now take it away Goldie.
(horn honks)
- I love this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
now it's Dan Rowan
who will give you
the future news.
- No Goldie, you've
confused your tenses,
will give you is in the future.
See, now if you had said
Dan Rowan is giving you,
that's the present.
- Goody!
Ladies and gentlemen Dan
Rowan is giving me a present
in the future!
Hurry up Dan and read the
news because I want to unwrap it
and I certainly hope
it isn't another necktie
like last year.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you.
Washington DC, 1975,
five years from now.
Encouraged by the
success of the Indian claim
on Alcatraz, Mexican-Americans
today reclaimed Texas.
The French reclaimed Louisiana,
and the Smothers
Brothers reoccupied CBS.
(audience laughs)
Washington DC, 1986.
For the past 16 years,
the Supreme Court vacancy
left by Abe Fortas
has remained unfilled.
Efforts to select someone
with no conflict of interest
have finally narrowed down to
Kate Smith and Wayne Newton,
who were chose to be
completely lacking in conflict
and totally devoid of interest.
(horn honking)
- Can you give me
my present now?
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- Okay.
(horn honking)
- You're gonna get it.
- And now will we
go back in the time,
to Sherwood Forest to find out
what the real story was behind
the demise of Robin Hood.
Ciao!
(coughing)
- I fear I'm dying.
I'm dying Little John.
- Robin no, no Robin!
- Do me a favor, hand me my bow.
(Robin coughs)
and so I fire this
for the last time,
and wheresoever it
shall land in the forest,
there shall I be buried.
("Pop Goes The Weasel")
(audience laughs)
- Oh gee.
And he only had a slight cold.
(audience laughs)
- Now here's the guy
all sports lovers voted
the guy who most
likely to be locked up
in a locker room with,
other then Groucho Marx,
and the number
uno sport of all time,
say the secret
word, it's Big Al.
That is
fantastic!
- Hi, Big Al here in the old
grunt and groan spring boy.
(bell ringing)
(laughing) Doesn't
that do it for ya?
Listen, I'm talking today with
the most fearsome wrestler
of them all, known the world
over as the mass wonder.
How do you do, Mr. Wonder?
- Like this. (screams)
(audience laughs)
- I barely know
you, put me down!
- Did I hurt you
there little kid?
- You must be a terrific dancer.
(audience laughs)
What's the most thrilling
victory of your career?
- They could've swallowed
me and Billy Wilder.
- Oh tell us about it King Kong.
- Well first, we gotta move you.
(screaming) (crackling)
- That's it, there goes the
vertebrae if you don't mind,
onto the floor, thank you.
I already gave it the office.
(audience laughs)
Big Al say tata, or maybe
goodbye, who knows.
That ding dong broke
the little ding a ling.
(metallic clash)
Kiss it.
(audience laughs)
(horns honking)
Ladies and gents
Laugh and looked at the news
- Say the secret word.
- You hear that hateful
witch doctor told me
he was going to stick pins
in a doll made in my image.
- Oh Charles!
- I know, it's ridiculous.
- I certainly hope so.
(water splashing)
- Oh, Charles! (audience laughs)
Poor darling.
(silly bouncing noises)
(audience laughs)
- Oh Mr. Co, Mr. Perry Co,
it's so ex, because I was just,
you know when you
were rehearsing for your,
and you were just
right in the next,
I couldn't be, for myself,
because I'm just a, I'm a small,
I came from Detroit, I never
expected to see you in per,
because I am, Bob Hope,
well he was actually
standing right,
and I could see his
nose, everything,
I saw his whole
physio, everything,
Nancy Sinatra, she had,
she didn't even have on boots,
but I saw, and
everybody, that's a flip,
all right now Flip
Wilson, he was there,
he was so terrific,
I couldn't believe it,
it was so, and when
you, the dancers,
it was such a
thrilling, I couldn't,
it was just, I don't
know, I don't know,
it was, my
mother's thrilled too.
(audience laughs)
- Polly.
- That's a litle Hoss.
(Goldie laughing)
- Thanks heavens darling,
lost here for 22 years,
it's so lonesome you know.
I only hope you
left some kind of trail
so we can find our way back
out of this wretched jungle.
- Course my darling,
you see I dropped buttons
all along the way.
- Master we're rich, look at
all the swell buttons I found.
- Hussy!
- Today unrest on the
campus has even reached
the nursery school.
(children singing)
- All right children, now
it's time to put our toys away
and take our little naps.
- [Children] Aw, no.
- [Teacher] That's it,
good little boys and girls.
- Aw, nap time just
when we're having fun.
- Yeah, we never have any fun.
- Yeah, she never
leaves us alone.
- [Goldie] I know.
- Guess what?
I'm breaking out of this place.
- Is you gonna escape man?
- Yeah the nursery
school ain't been built
that could hold me.
- Oh when Arte, when?
- Well, right after recess,
they won't be expecting it then.
Broke it again.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, big break out
after recess, pass it along.
- Psst, break out,
recess, pass the word!
- Hey, break out, pass it along!
- Break...
- Students will do their thing
in the face of
overwhelming odds.
- We want ice cream.
- [Everybody] We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
- Children, stop!
- [Everybody] We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
We want ice cream!
(shrill whistling)
- Hey hey hey,
she's calling the fight!
(children yelling)
- Our youth doesn't know
the meaning of the word fear.
- [Arte] I'm going
over the wall!
- [Girl] Oh there he is!
- [Arte] You'll never take
me alive Miss Beager!
- [Father] Arte, my son,
now don't do anything foolish.
- Yeah, well forget
it Father Larson,
you're too late,
you're too late to talk
and I've had it with this place!
(children cheering)
- We wanna be free!
I'm going out there!
And no one can stop me!
(children cheering)
- And you're coming with me.
- [Father] Now
just a minute son,
why are you taking Miss Beager?
- Because my mommy won't
let me cross the street alone.
(audience laughs)
- Why did you call
your new special
the return of the
Smothers brothers?
- Well because when
we originally did it
CBS returned it.
(audience laughs)
- (hearty laughing)
it's almost nine o'clock!
Where's the Farkle family?
Help me (laughing).
- Felicitations fair
friend, for frivolity,
we fearlessly face you
with the five fantastic
frolicking family,
Farkle family,
featuring the founding
fathers first feast.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, this is my
wife, Fanny Farkle.
- And these are our children,
Mark and Sparkle Farkle.
- And these are the twins.
- Simon and Garfarkle.
- I'm Simon.
- And I'm Gar.
- We're Simon.
- And Garfarkle.
- [Together] We're
the Farkle twins.
(audience laughs)
- And these are our
brothers, Fritz and Fred Farkle.
- I am Fritz Farkle.
- And I'm Fred Farkle.
(audience laughs)
- And he is our
father Frank Farkle.
- And this is her...
- Hi!
- Flicker Farkle.
We are the famous
founding Farkle's.
- And this is our
faithful friend fur trapper
Ferg Burfle.
- Hi Ferg.
- Hi Frank, Fanny.
- Ferg.
- How are the furs, Ferg?
- Fine, Frank.
- Fanny, Ferg says
his furs are fine.
- Oh I heard
Ferg's furs are fine.
- She heard Ferg.
- I heard she heard, Frank.
- You stay for the feast, Ferg?
- Fine, Fanny.
- Mmm, we'll have a fine
fare for the Farkle family's
first feast.
- Succulent summer squash!
- Pots of plump peas!
- Cups of cream corn!
- Plenty of potato pancakes!
- Diced ham.
- Riced clam!
- Iced spam.
- Spiced ram and...
- Pie!
- Someone approaches,
it's Chief Flying Falcon.
- How!
- You'll stay for
the feast of course?
- No thanks, I've already eaten.
My family famished.
(audience laughs)
- Fine looking family of
Indians you got there Chief.
- How.
- Well I've been trapping
fox furs in this forest
for a full five years.
- Oh, sure folk, this
is first time of many
when Indian feel futile
because of the fierce fury
of Ferg's fickle feather.
(audience laughs)
- AM and FM.
- How Farkle family, I want
you to meet flying falcons.
This fierce fox flying falcon,
him fast fish flying falcon,
her fat fair flying falcon,
him filthy pheasant
flying falcon,
and that one flying Phil.
- How.
- Flying falcons, meet Farkle's.
Fierce fox flying falcon,
Frank Farkle, Fanny Farkle,
fast fish flying falcon,
Mark and Sparkle Farkle.
Fat fair flying falcon.
- And Ferg Burfle,
fearless fur trapper
and the Farkle's fondest friend.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, me thinks Burfle
speaks with fork in tongue.
(audience laughs)
- The name Fred Farkle
strike a familiar bell
with you Farkle fans, if so,
keep them cards
and letters coming in.
(audience laughs)
(bell ringing)
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight Dick.
- Oh!
- Oh, what's the matter now?
- Well I'm just,
oh it's to stop you.
- Thought it was
another seizure.
- No no, I just wanted
to say thank you
to the vocal
minorities in the nation
for bringing all of us a
little peace and quiet.
- No no, the vocal
minorities make all the noise,
it's the silent
majority that's quiet.
- Well aren't you
thankful for that?
Can you imagine how loud it
would be if the vocal minorities
were quiet and the silent
majority was making all the noise?
(audience laughs)
- I see that, say
goodnight Dick.
- Goodnight Dick.
Goodnight vocal minority.
- Goodnight, silent and vocal.
(applause) (band music)
- I've got a friend whose
wife must be a great cook,
he came home
unexpected last night,
and there was a truck
driver eating there.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, I eat like a pig,
work like a horse,
and I'm sick as a dog.
- Why don't you see a vet?
(audience laughs)
- If you don't
want your children
to hear what you're
saying, why don't you just
pretend you're talking to them?
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs dramatically)
- I'm not as big a
fool as I used to be,
I just lost 10 pounds.
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
- [Man] What?
- Everybody always
says to me, they says,
Jo Anne, why can't you
find yourself a nice husband?
And I always says, I find
a lot of nice husbands,
it's just a lot of nice
bachelors I'm looking for.
(audience laughs)
- Hit it Ross!
- It's hard to be a
moderate in this country,
you just keep making
enemies right and left.
(audience laughs)
- My boyfriend said he wanted
to see me in the worst way!
So, I told him to come
around before breakfast.
- You know last night, I
was sure I needed glasses.
- Well what was the trouble?
- Well I was standing at
this party with both hands
full of Scotch!
(audience laughs)
- Oh you're right there!
You know, you know
you are confused
when you think
Shirley Temple Black
is an integrated synagogue.
(audience laughs)
- You know I've got a new
watch, which tells the time
and the date.
- [Man] Is that so?
- Good heavens, it's a
quarter to Evie Brickers.
And 30 minutes
till Joan Collins.
(audience laughs)
- Knock knock, Henry!
Hello my darling Henry Gibson!
- Hello!
- If you kiss me, sir la mouth,
I'll be yours forever.
- Thank you.
- All right.
(audience laughs)
- Did you hear what
Tarzan's last words were?
- [Man] No, what?
- Who greased the vine?
(audience laughs)
- You know, my brother
is a kleptomaniac.
His psychiatrist told him
to take something for it.
(audience laughs)
- I knew a girl who's a
target for a knife thrower.
It pays well, each
time he hits her
he gives her a
five dollar bonus.
(audience laughs)
- You know Goldie, the other
day I heard a sheep say moo.
- Yeah?
- What do you think about that?
(audience laughs)
- Hey Jack?
- Yeah baby!
- What do you cross, what
do you get when you cross
Bugs bunny with a computer?
- A rabbit that
multiplies itself?
- You got it baby!
(audience laughs)
- Who says television's
not educational?
Do you ever think about
how many repairmen's
sons you're sending
through college?
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(trombone makes siren sound)
(loud explosion)
(silly music)
First you put your two
knees Toes so tight
And then you split into the left
(audience laughs)
- You may now kiss the bride.
- Little girl, god.
- Everybody needs somebody.
(audience laughs)
- I'm tired of being
a rabbit, I just hate it.
(audience laughs)
- The proceeded
pre-recorded pro, pre that,
the pro repaired pre,
the programming corpor,
anyway folks, this
show is already on film
before to give me time
to say that, thank you.
(audience laughs)
(air whooshing)
- [Woman] Someone
else just stopped smoking.
- Very interesting, but fatal.
Or a fatal butt.
(laughing)
A colloquial colloquialism.
Anyway you lose, believe me
I know something about losing.
Well, good night
Lucy, you are a winner,
and Gary, well one out of two.
(audience laughs)
- What Wolfgang?
I thought you told me to
meet you at the bunker?
- That's right Hoss.
- But I don't see the bunker.
- Stupid, you are the bunker!
(audience laughs)
Or you're Mount
Everest (laughs).
(clapping)