Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 19 - Episode #3.19 - full transcript
Tony Curtis stops by to help the cast salute show business and play Grandfather Farkle who has a new baby.
- [Narrator] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(lighthearted piano music)
(audience laughs)
- Could you give me
a light please, Tony?
(audience laughs)
- Wait.
Henry, do you have a match?
(audience laughs)
- Oh thanks very much, Tony.
- Dick, what'd you
think of the Ram game?
- Ah, Roman Gabriel was
throwing too many passes,
right, Stu?
- I don't know, I've
never seen him better.
What do you think, Henry?
- I think he's out
of shape myself.
- Well it's almost 8:00.
We better get
dressed for the show.
- Oh, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Why can't we wear
these street clothes?
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
- Ah, I wager you will find
that you are quite unable
to partake of only one.
- I beg your pardon, sir?
- I said, baby, you
can't eat just one.
- Hey, guess who's here tonight?
Old Tennessee Ern.
- What's an Old Tennessee Ern?
- About a buck and a half acre.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
rest home and hand
grenade factory,
NBC loses the fierce
struggle with common sense,
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan as
the kindly old hangman,
and Dick Martin as
his recently hung friend,
with special guest
star Tony Curtis,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Alan Sues,
and Burbank's little mouth
of the month, Jo Anne Worley.
Do I detect a whale
of a downhearted frail?
Also here to apologize
are Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Lily Tomlin,
Stu Gilliam, and
me, I'm Gary Owens.
And now a strong vital message
for those with strong vitals.
(audience laughs)
(bouncy music)
- What's the matter, boss?
- Oh I don't know, Acker,
I just feel so
nervous and tense.
- Oh what you need is a repose,
to soothe nervous tension.
- No.
- I use them all the time.
- No, I don't.
- Come on, Dan, take it.
You're gonna love it.
- No no no.
- Take it or I'll break
every bone in your body!
- Now that was tasteless
and unfortunately violent.
Now here's a moment that is
not violent and not tasteless.
It is just unfortunate.
Thank you.
(cloth ripping)
(audience laughs)
It's more unfortunate
than I thought.
(audience laughs) (cloth rips)
(silly music)
- Schwartz.
(audience laughs)
(bumbling music)
(audience laughs)
- I still think the Sheriff
said to hang black Bart
and put the horse out to stood.
(audience laughs)
- Trust me, pale face.
- Mr. Tony Curtis,
what does IQ stand for?
- I quit.
- I'll give you one
more chance, Tony.
It's not that hard a question.
What I said was what
does IQ stand for?
- Goldie, I quit.
- Well if that's your
attitude, Mr. Tony Curtis,
I quit too.
They say I'm dumb,
but he couldn't even
answer a stupid question,
silly question.
You're so dumb.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Being on this show
is a memorable experience,
one never to be forgotten.
Its stars too are
equally unforgettable,
and here they are now,
Dan what's-his-name
and the famous Dick.
- Hey I've been
meaning to ask you,
what's going on with
your Aunt Minnie?
- You mean my little short
three-foot Aunt Minnie?
- Yeah, I think that's the one.
- Where?
- Well I don't know.
- Well be careful
where you walk then.
Wouldn't want
you to step on her.
- I'll try not to.
- You wouldn't wanna get a
shin bone gotcha, would you?
- All I wanted to
do was just ask you
what your Aunt Minnie's
up to these days?
- Well last time I saw her she
was up to about 400 pounds.
- Little three-foot Aunt
Minnie gained 400 pounds?
- Yep.
Last week she married
the Gaglione brothers
and they each weigh 200 pounds.
- You can't marry two
people at the same time.
- Well I didn't
marry them, she did.
- Well isn't she
familiar with bigamy?
- Well she better not be.
If the Gaglione
brothers find out
she's chasing around
with someone else,
they'd divorce her in a minute.
- Now I find it hard to believe
that Aunt Minnie is married
to two Gaglione brothers.
- Clyde Gaglione
feels the same way.
- Why?
- He doesn't even
like Aunt Minnie.
- What does Aunt
Minnie think of Clyde?
- Hates him.
- If they feel that
way about each other,
why don't they separate?
- What, and break
up the world's only
tattooed Siamese twin act?
- Oh, you mean the Gaglione
brothers are Siamese twins.
- Yeah, but you'd never
know it just by looking at them.
- How could you miss?
- Clyde has a tattoo of the
7th Fleet on his chest, you see,
and Elwood has the
continent of Europe.
- Well how did you Aunt
Minnie get into this picture?
- I believe it was just
before the battleship Missouri
lobbed a 16-inch shell
into Normandy Beach.
- I mean what did she ever see
in a couple of Siamese twins?
- An instant replay of
World War II for one thing.
- Must've made
quite a honeymoon.
- I'll say.
Clyde would no sooner
get things all quiet
on the Western front
when Elwood would let
loose another barrage.
- Where was Aunt
Minnie during the battle?
- Generally crossing back
and forth between enemy lines.
- (laughs) How long do
you think this will last?
- It all depends on
how good Aunt Minnie is
as an undercover agent. (laughs)
- I think it's time
for the Quickie.
- So does your Aunt Minnie.
- Oh now there's a quickie.
(motor running)
(brakes squealing)
(audience laughs)
(comical music)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
257, just a moment please.
(audience laughs)
- Well pal, what do
you wanna do then?
- Let me think.
(audience laughs)
I got an idea.
- Forget it.
I'm not gonna listen to a guy
with a light bulb over his head.
(audience laughs)
(funny music)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
- Now Johnny.
Johnny, your
assignment for today
is to weave the
following subjects,
royalty, romance,
religion, and mystery,
into one delightful story,
and when you're finished I
want you to raise your hand.
Oh well now that's ridiculous.
You mean to tell me
that you've weaved
royalty, romance, mystery,
and religion into one story
in three seconds?
Well now you read it to me.
- "Good heavens,"
said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant.
"Who done it?"
(audience laughs)
(amused music)
(fanfare trumpets)
(audience laughs)
- Dinnertime already?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Here's the wine
you ordered, sir.
(man coughs)
(audience laughs)
- That'll be fine.
(audience laughs)
- In beautiful downtown
Burbank today,
the City Council
named a two-way street
after Myra Breckinridge.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
for the past 44 hours,
the prosecution has
been attempting to prove
that my client is a
cold-blooded murderer. (laughs)
Well let me tell you
this, he's innocent,
and if you should
find him guilty,
I swear when he gets out
he's gonna kill each
and every one of you,
or his name ain't
Bernie Schwartz!
(audience laughs)
What was that for?
- That's for giving us
Schwartzs a bad name!
(audience laughs)
(amused music)
- Show me a 50-pound rooster
and I'll show you
a chicken delight.
(audience laughs)
- Show me a man who says
heaven only helps those
who help themselves
and I'll show you a feller
who just might be a
shoplifter in a supermarket.
(audience laughs)
- Show me a man, please.
(audience laughs)
- Good afternoon.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Do I have the party to
whom I am speaking?
And your name is?
M for Milhous?
Oh we've chatted
before, haven't we?
How are you?
Oh anyway, Milhouse,
I wanted to tell you that
we at the phone company
have noted with interest
that of the 175 phones
in your residence
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
all of them are in
our basic black model,
except one, which comes
in our exciting new shade,
Rhode Island red.
You have to use that
when you're chicken.
That's just a little
phone company humor.
Hello?
Hello?
That's strange.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(geese quacking)
(audience laughs)
- Goldie, where have
you been all my life?
- Well for the first
half I wasn't born yet.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Schwartz!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
When the news is
in the seventh house
And Mercury is
in the astro plane
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
Waa Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauds and cheers)
- And here's the news
to whom the man wouldn't
be the man without the man,
here's Newsie.
(audience applauds and cheers)
(excited music)
- Why I don't get to do those
dance numbers I'll never know.
(audience laughs)
After taking fertility
drugs for seven years,
Mrs. Ronnie Cowan
gave birth to 16 children.
The babies are doing fine,
but Mrs. Cowan
is in an incubator.
(audience laughs)
Continuing public outcry today
caused the cancellation
of Air Burbank's
daily over-the-pole
flight to Glendale.
(audience laughs)
It was just learned
that the outcry
had come from
Mr. Edward Maslowsky,
the pole they were flying over.
(audience laughs)
And now, directly to you, Dan.
(drum rolls)
- Did you say Dan
or Goldie? (laughs)
I'm not too dumb.
And now, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Dickie. (laughs)
- You just introduced
the present news.
Dick just did that.
I can understand
you being thrown,
but just go right ahead.
- I know it.
Well I want to say
that if I already did,
if we already did it then
you know it's past news.
- But we're supposed to
do the future news now.
- If the present
news is the past
and the future
news is the present,
I suggest you better
make up your mind, mister,
because Dan is gonna
be doing the future news
in a little while.
- Whatever you say, Goldie.
- And how would I know?
Because I don't
live around here.
(audience laughs)
- Okay. (laughs)
100 years from now, 2070,
Tibet's first archaeological
expedition suspects
they have discovered the
legendary Statue of Liberty
in the lost city of New York.
A team of researchers today
uncovered a huge metal hand
holding a torch protruding
from an enormous mound
of aluminum beer cans.
(audience laughs)
Hollywood 1990,
20 years from now,
another celebrity entered the
food franchise business today
when Gentle Ben announced
plans for a chain of drive-ins.
To be known as Grizzly Delights,
the restaurants will
feature root bear floats,
Gentle Ben burgers,
and a bowl of chili that'll
put you away for the winter.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Hello from Hollywood,
where your roving
reporter, Ruthie Buzzi,
just got a hot flash. (laughs)
I know.
Actor Rex Reed's work
schedule is so busy
he hardly has time for
his makeup. (laughs)
After a hard day at the studio,
he's just too tired to
go home and put it on.
(audience laughs)
That's all from Busy Buzzi
here in Tinseltown. (laughs)
Kissy kissy.
(audience laughs)
- And it's sports time,
and here's the man who
makes time in all sports,
that old triple
treat, or threat,
Big Al himself.
Let's hear it, Big Al.
- Hi.
Big Al here coming to
you from Bullfight Ring
here in Tijuana, Mexico.
Featurette!
(bell tingles)
Oh that little tingling
could be dangerous.
I mean, a cowbell among
all those bulls. (laughs)
Anyway, we're here today
with the world's
greatest bullfighter,
Senor...
How do you pronounce
that name again?
- I am Senor Antonio
Jose Ramon Fernandez
Ajarelia Martinez.
That is my professional name.
- You're kidding.
Well what's your real name?
- Bernie Schwartz.
- They're everywhere.
(audience laughs)
I must say one thing,
that bullfight
suit is just divine!
- Thank you.
- Let's see the rest of her.
- Oh, gorgeous.
Who made that front design?
- My mother.
- Yeah.
Well who made that rear design?
- The bull.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- (laughs) That's a
little Spanish joke, get it.
- You're a little bit of a
Spanish joke yourself.
- (laughs) Gracias.
Would you like to see my varana?
- I don't think so.
- You'll love my varana.
- I'm here a very short time
and I don't think
we've got... Oh, that.
Oh.
- Guess what?
You are the bull.
- No.
- Yes.
I want you to...
- That's a real
healthy pair of horns,
either that or a very sick bull.
(audience laughs)
- You are the bull. (laughs)
Wait.
Now, you are the bull,
and you charge at me.
- This only $2.95.
I could get that.
- But remember, the most
dangerous thing in the bullring
is the farrago.
- The farrago?
- Yes, the farrago.
I will show you how
dangerous is the farrago.
Now you the bull
come charge at me,
but watch out for the farrago.
Hey!
Charge!
- Oh you're gonna break
out if you keep that up.
(audience laughs)
You know what you're doing?
- Charge!
Charge el toro!
- You know you're doing?
- I'm ready!
- All right,
if that's what you want!
(Senor shouts)
(crowd screams)
(smashing)
- What happened?
- I slipped on something.
- Didn't I tell you to
watch out for the farrago?
That's Spanish for banana peels.
(audience laughs)
Ladies and gent
Laugh-In look at the news
(audience applauds)
- Gee, Miss Jo St. John,
I sure envy all your love scenes
where the men put
their arms around you
and say all those
wonderful things.
- Oh come on now, Gladys,
I'm sure men put their
arms around you too.
Don't they say anything?
- Only one, and all
he says is, "Gotcha."
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Von
Jose Roman Fernanday
Diaria Yamarchin (laughs) Tenez.
- That's me. (laughs)
- (laughs) What do you think of
when you see
those flaring nostrils,
those panting nostrils,
those panting tongue,
that revving guy staring at you,
what do you think?
- I turn away from the mirror,
and I swear I will
never drink again.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to
see my veronica?
- Say, this is an article
about our own Mayor,
lovable Sam Yorty
of Los Angeles.
- And points north,
east, south, and west.
- Right.
Every once in a while
something occurs in print
that we just can't top,
so Dick, why don't
you do the honors
and read the folks
this paragraph
from the Los Angeles
Times, December 27th, 1969.
- [Dick] "Mayor and Mrs.
Sam Yorty flew to Acapuco."
- [Dan] Acapulco.
- "Acapulco Friday for what
the spokesman said was, quote,
"'a few days of fishing.'
"'He's just taking off a few
days between the holidays, '"
unquote.
- Yep, he's done it again.
- Yep.
If he needs a three-day vacation
between Christmas and New Years,
I wonder what his plans are
for that long dull stretch
between the 4th of
July and Thanksgiving.
- Whatever he does,
you can bet the LA Times
will sock it to poor
old Sam again.
(audience laughs)
- Today's thought, remember,
it's bad luck to
be superstitious.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Jill Street John,
it's really nice to
have you with us.
- Goldie, the S-T stands
for Saint, not Street.
- Oh goodness, I
think I owe an apology
to my Street Bernard puppy.
(audience laughs)
- Goldie,
do you always
wear those slippers?
- My slippies?
You mean these? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(drum rolls)
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
(audience laughs)
- Ole!
- Cool it, Terrero.
They don't like to
hear that sort of thing.
- Stay tuned and I'll
show you my flounder.
- [Dick Voiceover] Don't do it
now or they won't stay tuned.
- Hello, Milhous, this
is Miss Tomlin again.
Apparently we were cut off.
I'm sure the mistake
was at your end.
It usually is.
Now then, Milhous, pardon?
That's not your first name?
Well Mr. Milhous.
Oh that's not your
last name either?
Well just what is your name?
(audience laughs)
Oh that Milhous.
(audience laughs)
That Milhous, husband
of Pat, father of Trish
and little Julie,
father-in-law of David,
master of checkers
and suave dresser?
Oh, I'll bet your
mother's proud of you.
(audience laughs)
Hello?
Hello?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Inflation, by Henry Gibson.
Dow Jones makes me dizzy,
yet one thing I know for sure,
my galoshes cost so much
it's no wonder the
streets have puddles.
(audience laughs)
- We'd like to thank NBC
for the wonderful support
they've given us.
I'm wearing mine right now.
I've never had a more
comfortable pair of shoes.
(audience laughs)
(excited music)
- Toy boy toy boy
toy boy toy boy!
(audience laughs)
(man snores)
(calm music)
(audience laughs)
- I better run to the swings.
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Jose Ramon
Fernandez Je Diara Chemarknez,
in bullfighting, just what
is the moment of truth?
- Aha, that's it,
that's the heart of it.
When you found
out ole really means
here comes el toro
with el grande gotcha.
(Goldie laughs)
Would you like to
see my veronica?
There.
- Dick, I was just thinking,
it's time for the party.
- That's funny, so did I.
- Really?
Hey, we had the same
thought same time.
Maybe we have ESP.
- We have esp?
- Not esp.
Extrasensory perception, ESP.
- Oh, esp.
- No, it's a psychic phenomenon.
- Phenomenon.
- Why yes, it's even that,
and it enables you to
communicate mentally
through transmission and
reception of thought waves.
- Hmm.
- Actually people
reach other people
over long distances that way.
- Long distance?
- Yeah.
- You don't happen to know
Raquel Welch's esp code, do you?
- No, I don't.
- I think it's 37
something, I don't know.
- Dick, 37's not an area code.
- It's the code on the
area I'm interested in.
(audience laughs)
- Guess what I'm
thinking about now?
- Cocktail party?
- See, you do have esp.
Come on, folks,
let's go to the party.
(upbeat dancing music)
- I just heard about
this civil rights leader
who accidentally parked his
car on Lester Maddox's foot,
told him he'd be
glad to remove it
with all deliberate speed.
(dancing music)
- I went to my doctor
again yesterday
for a complete examination.
It's the third time this week
and he says that I'm getting
better and better and better.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Teresa, there are
some similarities
between our
government and yours,
except we don't
have a vice president.
- Oh, well I wouldn't
worry about it, Jeremy.
I think we have enough
vice president for both of us.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I begin to suspect our
electronic society lacks faith
when I hear young people
start their prayers saying,
"One two three testing."
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I just heard about a new
all-black insurance company.
Their slogan is, "You're
in good hands in all states,
"except Mississippi,
Georgia, Louisiana, Alabama."
(dancing music)
- Do you think we
should be doing more
for future generations?
- I feel that no.
- No?
- That's what I feel.
- Why not?
- Because they
never have done anything for us.
- Good thinking.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Hey kids, I went to
the film festival last week
and I saw Bob and
Carol and Ted and Alice
and Bonnie and Clyde and Romeo
and Juliet and John and Mary.
Loved him, hated her,
hated him, loved her,
loved him, hated her, loved it.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Boris and I went
to see Oh Calcutta
and it was shocking!
We were the first members
of the audience to get a hand
from the cast on our arrival!
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Dick.
- Hmm?
- I know why you're not married.
- Why?
- You're just waiting for
the right girl to come along.
- Yeah?
Well in the meantime I'm
having a ball with the wrong ones.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- You Americans
have a unique problem.
No matter how
influential you are,
you can't get a seat on the bus,
you can't get a seat
at a hit Broadway play,
and you can't get a seat
on the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I told my son-in-law he
had to be more dominant,
more forceful, he
had to be his own man,
do his own thing,
stand up for his rights,
and don't knuckle
under. (laughs)
And he'll listen to me (laughs)
if he knows what's good for him.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- The most recent instant
analysis of the President's speech
revealed 6% nitrogen,
10% phosphoric acid,
4% pot ash, and
80% inert ingredients.
Most political observers agree
it was not only an
interesting speech,
but it has certainly
made the flowers bloom
around the White House.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I think we should all sing
the very tasteful
birthday greeting
to our President,
Richard Milhouse Nixon.
- But it isn't his birthday.
- I know, but I'm
sure he'd love to hear
something nice from everybody.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- You certainly do
move, Mr. Rosmenko.
I wanted to ask you...
- That's more than
I could say for you.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know in America we
can choose between two parties?
- Oh Mr. Roman, it's the
same thing in the old country.
The people's republic people,
they got a choice
of two parties.
- Really?
- (laughs) The Communist
party or a farewell party.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- The cost of going to
college is at an all-time high,
but that's okay, so are
a lot of the students.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(audience applauds)
(fast music)
(alarm rings)
(cloth ripping)
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Look what white men
have done to us Indians.
- What you mean us Indians?
- Well white men make
many treaties with us
and do not honor them.
- Yeah, red brother, I
know what you mean.
It's been 100 years since
the Emancipation Proclamation
and we still waiting on
somebody to honor it.
(audience laughs)
You know what?
- Hmm?
- I just thought of something.
- What?
- We got a lot in common.
(audience laughs)
Heard any good
Polish jokes lately?
- No.
(audience laughs)
But did you hear the
one about the two Jews
who hit this Arab
with a Chinese pizza?
(audience laughs)
- Now that's what this show
needs, more ethnic humor.
(audience laughs)
(bumbling music)
(roaring)
- Fair warning, fine friends.
Once more we find
ourselves face to face
with those freckless
villains of fun and frippery,
those frantic,
fantastic, fun-loving folk,
the Farkel family.
- Hi there, I'm Frank Farkel.
- And I'm Frank's
beloved Fanny Farkel.
- [Mark and Sparkle]
And we're their children,
Mark and Sparkle Farkel.
- And we're the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkel.
- I'm Simon.
- I'm Gar.
- We're Simon.
- And Gar Farkel.
- [Simon and Gar] We're Farkels.
- [Simon, Gar, Mark, and
Ingamar] We're all Farkels.
- So is she.
- Hi!
- She's Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- I'm their good friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
Say, Frank, isn't
that something new?
- Yes, Ferd, we just
came across it in the attic.
It's an old grandfather Farkel
who went to France 44 years ago
and hasn't been
heard from since.
(knocking at the door)
Who can that be?
- Howdy, folks.
I guess you know who I am.
- Nope, can't say I do.
- Oh, boy, I'm
Grandfather Farkel.
- Well I'm Frank Farkel,
my wife, Fanny Farkel.
Fanny, Grandfather Farkel.
Grandfather Farkel, Fanny.
Grandfather Farkel,
Mark and Sparkle Farkel,
Fritz and Bart Farkel,
and the black
sheep of the family,
Ingamar Farkel, and
her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- And our twins,
Simon and Gar Farkel,
and Ferd Berfel.
Grandfather Farkel, Ferd.
Grandfather, Grandfather Ferd.
How's it been?
- (laughs) Well after
all that I can't remember.
- Stay tuned to hear
Flicker Farkel as she says...
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile back
at the Farkel family,
later, earlier that evening.
- As you know, my first wife,
your dear grandmother,
Phyllis Farkel, departed,
and I married her sister, Flo.
And I'm proud to tell you
that I've just become
a father again.
- Oh why Frank Farkel,
that means that you
have a new half-uncle,
because he's the half-brother
of your father, Foster Farkel.
- But no.
If your present
wife, Flo Farkel,
was your late wife's sister,
then she's also
your sister-in-law.
- Then father Farkel, that makes
your grandmother your aunt,
so the baby is your cousin.
- But if father Farkel's
grandfather's wife, Flo Farkel,
is father Farkel's
grandfather's wife's sister...
- Then the baby's mother
being father Farkel's grandmother
makes him father Farkel's
nephew once removed,
or his aunt.
- (laughs) Well I tell you what.
Wait a minute.
I tell you we can
settle it very simply.
The nurse is
bringing him in now.
Let's just take a look at him
and see who the
little nipper looks like.
Come on in, nursie.
(audience laughs)
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd
Berfel say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine-looking
bunch of relatives
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Gay.
- Deceiver.
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Jose Ramanomon
Fernandez O'Nahired Martinez.
(laughs)
- (laughs) Good.
- Does that embarrass you?
- No, it's getting better.
- Do you find your
body seize up with fear
when you get into the bullring?
- Never!
Never.
It happens before I
get into the bullring.
(Goldie laughs)
Why don't you show
me your veronica?
(everyone laughs)
- Nice, all right.
(dancing music)
- You remind me of the sea.
- Because I'm wild and
reckless and romantic?
- No, because you make me sick.
(audience laughs)
- And furthermore!
(audience laughs)
(defeated music)
- I want you to listen closely,
because tonight Mod, Mod
World's about show business,
I thought we'd tell the folks
about some of our early
experiences in show business.
- Oh, glad to, folks.
Around 3:30 in the
morning Geraldine and I...
- No, no,
I said we'll tell them about
our early experiences.
- Oh, okay.
Folks, around
2:30 in the morning,
Geraldine and I
were climbing up a...
- There must've been some
time in your show business career
that there were no
women involved at all.
- Let's see, how long we
been standing here now?
- Let me put it to you this way.
- We'll get out of here.
- Now come on, what was
the first act you ever did?
- I thought you didn't
wanna talk about that?
- I mean in a club.
- It was in a club.
- What did you do?
- There was this little
chorus girl, you see.
- No, I mean did
you ever do anything
besides a comedy act ever?
- Yeah, yeah.
- What?
- Once I did an escape act.
- Oh really, what's that?
What was that?
- I leaped from the
height of 20 feet,
landed on an ash
can, somersaulted,
and came up running right
away with my feet going.
- You did that in a club?
- No, in the alley beside
Geraldine's apartment
at 3:30 in the morning, you see.
Her husband got
home early. (laughs)
- Maybe you ought
to get home early,
so we can go on with the
Mod, Mod World of show biz.
The butcher the baker
the happy undertaker
Are guilty of a crime
they won't confess
They love what they're doing
The job that they're pursuing
And when it comes to showbiz
Well they couldn't
care less Because the
Booking is crummy
Your agent's a dummy
There ain't no biz like showbiz
The hours are killing
You haven't got feeling
There ain't no biz like showbiz
Everything about it
is a pain in the neck
It would make a normal
guy an absolute wreck
The story is lousy
Your costar is blousey
That's what showbiz is
The dressing room's sleazy
The costumes are cheesy
There ain't no biz like showbiz
The critics were evil
The show's in upheaval
There ain't no biz like showbiz
Everything about it
is a kick in the head
Rather than be in it
we'd be better off dead
Producers demand you
The next day they canned you
That's what showbiz is Oh Tony
The little people clamor
For the glitter and the glamour
But they've never seen
behind the scenes in
Showbiz - [Everyone] Oh no!
Oh they've read about the money
Life of milk and honey
Well it's obvious they've
never seen showbiz
- [Everyone] Right!
Work and sweat
and blood and tears
And long sleepless
nights Fame and fortune
Groovy women Name
up in lights We love it
- No!
People never know the sorrows
Broken dreams and sad tomorrows
That's what showbiz is Is
If the thought of showbiz
puts your head in a spin
Either you are crazy
or you're Irving Berlin
A boo from the gallery
A cut in your salary
Taste of champagne loses fizz
And that's what showbiz
That's What Show
Biz Is (audience applauds)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
to present our next award,
two of America's favorites,
Miss Goldie Hawn and
Mr. Bernard Schwartz.
(audience applauds)
(grand music)
- The nominations for
the best performance
by an actress in a dramatic
series on a continuing,
in a continuing
role on a special
or a one-shot dramatic
program on a continuing basis
or a non-continuing
role in a series cancelled
or a supporting role in
a dramatic variety show
not shown this season, Tony?
- Or a performance by an actress
in the original
drama for television
based on a daytime rerun of
a variety or a dramatic series,
or both,
written originally
for off-Broadway.
The nominees are Kate Smith,
Helmut Dantine,
and William Buckley.
May I have the envelope please?
Thank you.
Goldie.
- Yes.
Oh, isn't this exciting?
(audience laughs)
And the winner in
Buffalo, New York,
the King family.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Unfortunately, the King family
could not be here
with us tonight,
as they are stuck on the New
York Thruway in a '53 Falcon.
Correction, that's a '63 Falcon.
- I shall accept it for them.
- Is there anyone here
who will accept the award?
- I just said I will
accept it for them.
- Anyone at all?
- I said I would.
- I'll take it.
(audience laughs)
I can meld it down.
(audience laughs)
- The first thing about show,
the thing about people in show,
is because first of all I never,
when I was, for
instance when I was a,
I was just a little girl
and I was in Detroit,
and I, the first thing
that happened was,
oh I know it, because
when Tony, he's,
he came, he was
coming to Detroit,
and I said, "If I
could only get his,"
and I can remember
I was thrown out of,
I hit everything I could.
We, I paid off the tel,
my girlfriend Suzie,
and we went down
from school, we saw.
It was so exciting
because and then he
gave me one of his hankies.
I didn't know
what, I was just so,
it was a thrill because,
and then on top of that,
then to think that all those,
and then we're here
and we're on the same,
we're actually, I couldn't,
you know what I'm saying?
I don't know what I'm saying
but you know what I'm saying.
(audience laughs)
- People who say,
"The show must go on,"
probably have
never seen the show.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(knocking on the door)
(lady coughs)
- I beg your pardon, but
I'm a stranger in London.
I'm trying to find the Opera
House at Covent Gardens.
- Oh I seen you on the telly.
Just a minute, don't tell me.
Top hat, white tie, tails.
(gasps)
It's Fred Astaire from America!
Hey, Bart!
It's Fred Astaire from America!
- No, I'm... (man gasps)
- Well strike me dead.
Strike me dead.
That's Fred Astaire
here at our house.
- No, I'm not,
I'll tell you, it's...
- Hey, granddad, you'll
never guess who's here!
(audience laughs)
- Who is he?
Who is it?
- [Man and Woman]
It's Fred Astaire!
- Oh!
Fred Astaire.
Where's Ginger?
Hey, Ashley, come and have
a gander and look what's here.
- I'm really not...
- Fred Astaire from America.
- I don't think you understand.
- Hey, is this the cane
that you always
tapped in the movies?
- I'm not...
- Blimey!
Blimey, it's Fred Astaire!
Ever since I've seen
your films on the telly,
I've fancied you.
- But I'm...
Putting on my top hat
Tying up my white tie
(audience applauds)
(dancing music)
- One thing I hate
is name droppers.
As a matter of fact, I was
discussing it the other day
with Steve McQueen and
Barbra Streisand, biggies.
Real big.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- And now NBC offers a
behind-the-scenes glimpse
into the one part of show
business they understand best.
(comical music)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
(funny music)
- Thespian.
(audience laughs)
- Strip away the false
tinsel and glitter of Hollywood
and you will find the real
tinsel and glitter of Hollywood.
(audience laughs)
- I know what.
Wanna go to a movie tonight?
- That sounds groovy.
What's playing, Dick?
- There's a Paul Newman
picture at the Bijou.
- (laughs) You're kidding me.
- [Dick] What?
- Well you can
go if you want to.
I'm not gonna pay
any $2 to see a movie
with a five-foot-three actor
making love to
normal-sized women.
- Paul Newman
is only five-three?
- Why sure.
They gotta put him on a box
so he'll be taller
than the actresses.
- Well now how do you know that?
- My gardener's barber is a
friend of his barber's gardener.
- Yeah, it's that way with
all those movie and TV stars.
None of them are really
what we think they are.
- Sure, take Lassie.
Now first of all, she's a he.
- Secondly, he ain't even a dog.
- He's a long-haired goat.
- Oh, a goat?
- Makeup.
- But why use a goat?
- She's a friend
of the producer.
(audience laughs)
- They always
glamorize those salaries.
Thousands, they say.
It's malarkey!
- Malarkey!
- That's why so many
stars do those commercials.
- Yes, they need the bread.
- Sinatra has to sell
beer to keep things going.
- That's right.
All those stars
have part-time jobs.
- You know what?
I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- I think you guys made that up.
- No. (knocking on the door)
- Oh, excuse me.
- [Teresa] Door.
(audience laughs)
- Burbank Bugle.
That'll be 25 cents please.
(audience laughs)
- Scene 33 B, take one.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
Aren't you the big tough
cowboy actor, Buck Duke?
- Yeah.
What about it?
- I hear you have a stand-in
to do all the
rough stuff for you.
- Oh you do, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well you take that back
or you gonna get
your face kicked in.
- Oh yeah?
You don't look so tough to me.
- Okay everybody, stand back.
(audience laughs)
That'll teach you to
mess with Mr. Buck Duke.
- With today's aggressive
woman in mind,
Laugh-In suspects that
if William Shakespeare
were writing the immortal death
scene from Romeo and Juliet,
it might be a little
different today.
(audience laughs)
- Thus lover's drink
with final breath,
love's potion
bonding both in death.
So do I drink and thus
shall I perish with Juliet.
Here, to her hateful mother.
(Romeo coughs)
(audience laughs)
You don't drink?
- Romeo, what did you mean
when you said hateful mother?
Do you really think
my mother's that bad?
- No no no, nay,
nay, sweetest love,
but make haste to drink
fore I do sink to
this great coffin
beneath this black lid.
- You mean you get the
gray one with the black lid?
(audience laughs)
You know I look
better in gray and black.
- Juliet, recall our pledge upon
thy father's wretched name.
Do not swear to share eternally.
- Oh now you know
daddy hates swearing.
(audience laughs)
Besides, I think any couple
who are going to spend
that much time together
really ought to know
each other better.
Don't you, Romeo?
(Romeo coughs)
Romeo?
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
(audience laughs)
Oh!
Isn't that just like him?
He knows I hate to drink alone.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(dancing music)
(audience applauds)
- Gee Mr. Curtis, I love
you in Some Like It Warm.
- No, Goldie, when we made it,
it was called Some Like It Hot.
- Yeah, but that
was seven years ago.
(audience laughs)
(comical music)
- Shtick.
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick,
and go to the joke wall.
- Before we go to the joke wall,
I'd like to say a
special goodnight
to all the senior citizens
of this great country of ours.
- I'm really moved and touched.
- Thank you.
I'd particularly like to thank
one senior citizen couple,
who contributed one of the most
voluptuous junior
citizens I've ever seen.
- There we go.
Now that that's
over with, let's see...
- What do you
mean it's over with?
I just met her.
- Just say goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, voluptuous
junior citizens.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(grand music)
- Show me a door
with a crescent on it
and I'll show you a house
that's outstanding in its field.
(audience laughs)
- I'm sorry.
It's next week.
(audience laughs)
- Goldie.
- What?
- My brother is a kleptomaniac.
- Well that's nothing,
Ton, because my father,
who is an uncle sometimes,
goes around stealing things.
- Oh you're kidding.
- No.
(audience laughs)
- My girlfriend won't
talk to me anymore.
She says my breath
smells of mouthwash.
(audience laughs)
- If you cross Christine
Jorgensen with Myra Breckenridge,
you would have a
bisexual built for two.
(audience laughs)
- I see where the Rams
have a new quarterback,
built like an oak tree.
Only problem,
every autumn his arms fall off.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, Tony.
- I'm making a Cuban Western.
- Oh I'm glad to hear
you're back in action.
A Cuban Western.
What's the plot?
- Well the plot is I
hijack a wagon trailer.
Not bad.
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs)
- Lily.
- Uh-Huh?
- My aunt just got arrested
for taking in washing.
- Oh that's silly.
Who can get arrested
for taking in washing?
- You can if you take it in
from somebody
else's clothesline.
(audience laughs)
- Ruth, what do
you think about...
- Yes?
- (laughs) The United States
returning Okinawa to Japan.
What do you think about that?
- They can't do that.
She's married to John Lennon.
(audience laughs)
- They didn't give out
the Peace Prize this year
because everybody
was too busy fighting.
(audience laughs)
- What do you get if you
cross Moby Dick with a toad?
Teresia?
- A whale of a wart.
Going in.
(audience laughs)
- Dick Martin?
- Yes, darling?
- Do you really have any idea
what a girl must go
through to get a mink coat?
- Well it can't be half as bad
as what the mink goes through!
(audience laughs)
- Lily?
- Yes?
- Do you know what
a girl has to go through
to get a mink coat?
- Oh indeed I do,
the front door of Saks
and the backdoor
of Dick's steam room.
- Congratulations.
(audience laughs)
- That's really dumb, you!
- Why?
- Because steam strinks minks.
- What?
- Because steam shrinks minks!
- That's right!
(everyone laughs)
- If you shrink a mink,
is it a shrunk munk?
- Coats, mink coats.
I didn't end my thing, guys.
(audience laughs)
- That was just fine, Goldie.
- Mr. Tony Curtis.
Mr. Tony Curtis.
- What?
- Haven't I seen you before?
- Yes, and you've
seen me after too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(water splashing)
(audience laughs)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughs)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
(crowd cheering)
- Millicent, you did it again.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
to give the cast
time to rehearse it
and get some idea of
what it should've looked like
earlier that day in
another part of town
in a seemingly
deserted warehouse.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting for a
certain level IQ. (laughs)
- Wolfgang, what did you say?
- IQ. (laughs)
- I like you too.
(audience laughs)
- You are silly sucker.
(audience laughs)
- You're going to be a
better person for this.
(audience laughs)
- Tony, run for the bunkers.
The monsoons have started.
(audience laughs)
What means iq?
(audience laughs)
Very interesting.
Goodnight, Lucy.
You really know
how to light my fire.
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
(lighthearted piano music)
(audience laughs)
- Could you give me
a light please, Tony?
(audience laughs)
- Wait.
Henry, do you have a match?
(audience laughs)
- Oh thanks very much, Tony.
- Dick, what'd you
think of the Ram game?
- Ah, Roman Gabriel was
throwing too many passes,
right, Stu?
- I don't know, I've
never seen him better.
What do you think, Henry?
- I think he's out
of shape myself.
- Well it's almost 8:00.
We better get
dressed for the show.
- Oh, yeah.
(audience laughs)
- Why can't we wear
these street clothes?
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
- Ah, I wager you will find
that you are quite unable
to partake of only one.
- I beg your pardon, sir?
- I said, baby, you
can't eat just one.
- Hey, guess who's here tonight?
Old Tennessee Ern.
- What's an Old Tennessee Ern?
- About a buck and a half acre.
(audience laughs)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
rest home and hand
grenade factory,
NBC loses the fierce
struggle with common sense,
and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In,
starring Dan Rowan as
the kindly old hangman,
and Dick Martin as
his recently hung friend,
with special guest
star Tony Curtis,
and Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Alan Sues,
and Burbank's little mouth
of the month, Jo Anne Worley.
Do I detect a whale
of a downhearted frail?
Also here to apologize
are Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, Lily Tomlin,
Stu Gilliam, and
me, I'm Gary Owens.
And now a strong vital message
for those with strong vitals.
(audience laughs)
(bouncy music)
- What's the matter, boss?
- Oh I don't know, Acker,
I just feel so
nervous and tense.
- Oh what you need is a repose,
to soothe nervous tension.
- No.
- I use them all the time.
- No, I don't.
- Come on, Dan, take it.
You're gonna love it.
- No no no.
- Take it or I'll break
every bone in your body!
- Now that was tasteless
and unfortunately violent.
Now here's a moment that is
not violent and not tasteless.
It is just unfortunate.
Thank you.
(cloth ripping)
(audience laughs)
It's more unfortunate
than I thought.
(audience laughs) (cloth rips)
(silly music)
- Schwartz.
(audience laughs)
(bumbling music)
(audience laughs)
- I still think the Sheriff
said to hang black Bart
and put the horse out to stood.
(audience laughs)
- Trust me, pale face.
- Mr. Tony Curtis,
what does IQ stand for?
- I quit.
- I'll give you one
more chance, Tony.
It's not that hard a question.
What I said was what
does IQ stand for?
- Goldie, I quit.
- Well if that's your
attitude, Mr. Tony Curtis,
I quit too.
They say I'm dumb,
but he couldn't even
answer a stupid question,
silly question.
You're so dumb.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Being on this show
is a memorable experience,
one never to be forgotten.
Its stars too are
equally unforgettable,
and here they are now,
Dan what's-his-name
and the famous Dick.
- Hey I've been
meaning to ask you,
what's going on with
your Aunt Minnie?
- You mean my little short
three-foot Aunt Minnie?
- Yeah, I think that's the one.
- Where?
- Well I don't know.
- Well be careful
where you walk then.
Wouldn't want
you to step on her.
- I'll try not to.
- You wouldn't wanna get a
shin bone gotcha, would you?
- All I wanted to
do was just ask you
what your Aunt Minnie's
up to these days?
- Well last time I saw her she
was up to about 400 pounds.
- Little three-foot Aunt
Minnie gained 400 pounds?
- Yep.
Last week she married
the Gaglione brothers
and they each weigh 200 pounds.
- You can't marry two
people at the same time.
- Well I didn't
marry them, she did.
- Well isn't she
familiar with bigamy?
- Well she better not be.
If the Gaglione
brothers find out
she's chasing around
with someone else,
they'd divorce her in a minute.
- Now I find it hard to believe
that Aunt Minnie is married
to two Gaglione brothers.
- Clyde Gaglione
feels the same way.
- Why?
- He doesn't even
like Aunt Minnie.
- What does Aunt
Minnie think of Clyde?
- Hates him.
- If they feel that
way about each other,
why don't they separate?
- What, and break
up the world's only
tattooed Siamese twin act?
- Oh, you mean the Gaglione
brothers are Siamese twins.
- Yeah, but you'd never
know it just by looking at them.
- How could you miss?
- Clyde has a tattoo of the
7th Fleet on his chest, you see,
and Elwood has the
continent of Europe.
- Well how did you Aunt
Minnie get into this picture?
- I believe it was just
before the battleship Missouri
lobbed a 16-inch shell
into Normandy Beach.
- I mean what did she ever see
in a couple of Siamese twins?
- An instant replay of
World War II for one thing.
- Must've made
quite a honeymoon.
- I'll say.
Clyde would no sooner
get things all quiet
on the Western front
when Elwood would let
loose another barrage.
- Where was Aunt
Minnie during the battle?
- Generally crossing back
and forth between enemy lines.
- (laughs) How long do
you think this will last?
- It all depends on
how good Aunt Minnie is
as an undercover agent. (laughs)
- I think it's time
for the Quickie.
- So does your Aunt Minnie.
- Oh now there's a quickie.
(motor running)
(brakes squealing)
(audience laughs)
(comical music)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
257, just a moment please.
(audience laughs)
- Well pal, what do
you wanna do then?
- Let me think.
(audience laughs)
I got an idea.
- Forget it.
I'm not gonna listen to a guy
with a light bulb over his head.
(audience laughs)
(funny music)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
- Now Johnny.
Johnny, your
assignment for today
is to weave the
following subjects,
royalty, romance,
religion, and mystery,
into one delightful story,
and when you're finished I
want you to raise your hand.
Oh well now that's ridiculous.
You mean to tell me
that you've weaved
royalty, romance, mystery,
and religion into one story
in three seconds?
Well now you read it to me.
- "Good heavens,"
said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant.
"Who done it?"
(audience laughs)
(amused music)
(fanfare trumpets)
(audience laughs)
- Dinnertime already?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Here's the wine
you ordered, sir.
(man coughs)
(audience laughs)
- That'll be fine.
(audience laughs)
- In beautiful downtown
Burbank today,
the City Council
named a two-way street
after Myra Breckinridge.
(audience laughs)
- Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
for the past 44 hours,
the prosecution has
been attempting to prove
that my client is a
cold-blooded murderer. (laughs)
Well let me tell you
this, he's innocent,
and if you should
find him guilty,
I swear when he gets out
he's gonna kill each
and every one of you,
or his name ain't
Bernie Schwartz!
(audience laughs)
What was that for?
- That's for giving us
Schwartzs a bad name!
(audience laughs)
(amused music)
- Show me a 50-pound rooster
and I'll show you
a chicken delight.
(audience laughs)
- Show me a man who says
heaven only helps those
who help themselves
and I'll show you a feller
who just might be a
shoplifter in a supermarket.
(audience laughs)
- Show me a man, please.
(audience laughs)
- Good afternoon.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Do I have the party to
whom I am speaking?
And your name is?
M for Milhous?
Oh we've chatted
before, haven't we?
How are you?
Oh anyway, Milhouse,
I wanted to tell you that
we at the phone company
have noted with interest
that of the 175 phones
in your residence
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
all of them are in
our basic black model,
except one, which comes
in our exciting new shade,
Rhode Island red.
You have to use that
when you're chicken.
That's just a little
phone company humor.
Hello?
Hello?
That's strange.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(geese quacking)
(audience laughs)
- Goldie, where have
you been all my life?
- Well for the first
half I wasn't born yet.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Schwartz!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
When the news is
in the seventh house
And Mercury is
in the astro plane
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the
information In a way
We hope will amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
Waa Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Here's Dan
(audience applauds and cheers)
- And here's the news
to whom the man wouldn't
be the man without the man,
here's Newsie.
(audience applauds and cheers)
(excited music)
- Why I don't get to do those
dance numbers I'll never know.
(audience laughs)
After taking fertility
drugs for seven years,
Mrs. Ronnie Cowan
gave birth to 16 children.
The babies are doing fine,
but Mrs. Cowan
is in an incubator.
(audience laughs)
Continuing public outcry today
caused the cancellation
of Air Burbank's
daily over-the-pole
flight to Glendale.
(audience laughs)
It was just learned
that the outcry
had come from
Mr. Edward Maslowsky,
the pole they were flying over.
(audience laughs)
And now, directly to you, Dan.
(drum rolls)
- Did you say Dan
or Goldie? (laughs)
I'm not too dumb.
And now, here's the man
to whom the news wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Dickie. (laughs)
- You just introduced
the present news.
Dick just did that.
I can understand
you being thrown,
but just go right ahead.
- I know it.
Well I want to say
that if I already did,
if we already did it then
you know it's past news.
- But we're supposed to
do the future news now.
- If the present
news is the past
and the future
news is the present,
I suggest you better
make up your mind, mister,
because Dan is gonna
be doing the future news
in a little while.
- Whatever you say, Goldie.
- And how would I know?
Because I don't
live around here.
(audience laughs)
- Okay. (laughs)
100 years from now, 2070,
Tibet's first archaeological
expedition suspects
they have discovered the
legendary Statue of Liberty
in the lost city of New York.
A team of researchers today
uncovered a huge metal hand
holding a torch protruding
from an enormous mound
of aluminum beer cans.
(audience laughs)
Hollywood 1990,
20 years from now,
another celebrity entered the
food franchise business today
when Gentle Ben announced
plans for a chain of drive-ins.
To be known as Grizzly Delights,
the restaurants will
feature root bear floats,
Gentle Ben burgers,
and a bowl of chili that'll
put you away for the winter.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Hello from Hollywood,
where your roving
reporter, Ruthie Buzzi,
just got a hot flash. (laughs)
I know.
Actor Rex Reed's work
schedule is so busy
he hardly has time for
his makeup. (laughs)
After a hard day at the studio,
he's just too tired to
go home and put it on.
(audience laughs)
That's all from Busy Buzzi
here in Tinseltown. (laughs)
Kissy kissy.
(audience laughs)
- And it's sports time,
and here's the man who
makes time in all sports,
that old triple
treat, or threat,
Big Al himself.
Let's hear it, Big Al.
- Hi.
Big Al here coming to
you from Bullfight Ring
here in Tijuana, Mexico.
Featurette!
(bell tingles)
Oh that little tingling
could be dangerous.
I mean, a cowbell among
all those bulls. (laughs)
Anyway, we're here today
with the world's
greatest bullfighter,
Senor...
How do you pronounce
that name again?
- I am Senor Antonio
Jose Ramon Fernandez
Ajarelia Martinez.
That is my professional name.
- You're kidding.
Well what's your real name?
- Bernie Schwartz.
- They're everywhere.
(audience laughs)
I must say one thing,
that bullfight
suit is just divine!
- Thank you.
- Let's see the rest of her.
- Oh, gorgeous.
Who made that front design?
- My mother.
- Yeah.
Well who made that rear design?
- The bull.
(audience laughs)
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- (laughs) That's a
little Spanish joke, get it.
- You're a little bit of a
Spanish joke yourself.
- (laughs) Gracias.
Would you like to see my varana?
- I don't think so.
- You'll love my varana.
- I'm here a very short time
and I don't think
we've got... Oh, that.
Oh.
- Guess what?
You are the bull.
- No.
- Yes.
I want you to...
- That's a real
healthy pair of horns,
either that or a very sick bull.
(audience laughs)
- You are the bull. (laughs)
Wait.
Now, you are the bull,
and you charge at me.
- This only $2.95.
I could get that.
- But remember, the most
dangerous thing in the bullring
is the farrago.
- The farrago?
- Yes, the farrago.
I will show you how
dangerous is the farrago.
Now you the bull
come charge at me,
but watch out for the farrago.
Hey!
Charge!
- Oh you're gonna break
out if you keep that up.
(audience laughs)
You know what you're doing?
- Charge!
Charge el toro!
- You know you're doing?
- I'm ready!
- All right,
if that's what you want!
(Senor shouts)
(crowd screams)
(smashing)
- What happened?
- I slipped on something.
- Didn't I tell you to
watch out for the farrago?
That's Spanish for banana peels.
(audience laughs)
Ladies and gent
Laugh-In look at the news
(audience applauds)
- Gee, Miss Jo St. John,
I sure envy all your love scenes
where the men put
their arms around you
and say all those
wonderful things.
- Oh come on now, Gladys,
I'm sure men put their
arms around you too.
Don't they say anything?
- Only one, and all
he says is, "Gotcha."
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Von
Jose Roman Fernanday
Diaria Yamarchin (laughs) Tenez.
- That's me. (laughs)
- (laughs) What do you think of
when you see
those flaring nostrils,
those panting nostrils,
those panting tongue,
that revving guy staring at you,
what do you think?
- I turn away from the mirror,
and I swear I will
never drink again.
(audience laughs)
Would you like to
see my veronica?
- Say, this is an article
about our own Mayor,
lovable Sam Yorty
of Los Angeles.
- And points north,
east, south, and west.
- Right.
Every once in a while
something occurs in print
that we just can't top,
so Dick, why don't
you do the honors
and read the folks
this paragraph
from the Los Angeles
Times, December 27th, 1969.
- [Dick] "Mayor and Mrs.
Sam Yorty flew to Acapuco."
- [Dan] Acapulco.
- "Acapulco Friday for what
the spokesman said was, quote,
"'a few days of fishing.'
"'He's just taking off a few
days between the holidays, '"
unquote.
- Yep, he's done it again.
- Yep.
If he needs a three-day vacation
between Christmas and New Years,
I wonder what his plans are
for that long dull stretch
between the 4th of
July and Thanksgiving.
- Whatever he does,
you can bet the LA Times
will sock it to poor
old Sam again.
(audience laughs)
- Today's thought, remember,
it's bad luck to
be superstitious.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Jill Street John,
it's really nice to
have you with us.
- Goldie, the S-T stands
for Saint, not Street.
- Oh goodness, I
think I owe an apology
to my Street Bernard puppy.
(audience laughs)
- Goldie,
do you always
wear those slippers?
- My slippies?
You mean these? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(drum rolls)
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
(audience laughs)
- Ole!
- Cool it, Terrero.
They don't like to
hear that sort of thing.
- Stay tuned and I'll
show you my flounder.
- [Dick Voiceover] Don't do it
now or they won't stay tuned.
- Hello, Milhous, this
is Miss Tomlin again.
Apparently we were cut off.
I'm sure the mistake
was at your end.
It usually is.
Now then, Milhous, pardon?
That's not your first name?
Well Mr. Milhous.
Oh that's not your
last name either?
Well just what is your name?
(audience laughs)
Oh that Milhous.
(audience laughs)
That Milhous, husband
of Pat, father of Trish
and little Julie,
father-in-law of David,
master of checkers
and suave dresser?
Oh, I'll bet your
mother's proud of you.
(audience laughs)
Hello?
Hello?
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
- Inflation, by Henry Gibson.
Dow Jones makes me dizzy,
yet one thing I know for sure,
my galoshes cost so much
it's no wonder the
streets have puddles.
(audience laughs)
- We'd like to thank NBC
for the wonderful support
they've given us.
I'm wearing mine right now.
I've never had a more
comfortable pair of shoes.
(audience laughs)
(excited music)
- Toy boy toy boy
toy boy toy boy!
(audience laughs)
(man snores)
(calm music)
(audience laughs)
- I better run to the swings.
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Jose Ramon
Fernandez Je Diara Chemarknez,
in bullfighting, just what
is the moment of truth?
- Aha, that's it,
that's the heart of it.
When you found
out ole really means
here comes el toro
with el grande gotcha.
(Goldie laughs)
Would you like to
see my veronica?
There.
- Dick, I was just thinking,
it's time for the party.
- That's funny, so did I.
- Really?
Hey, we had the same
thought same time.
Maybe we have ESP.
- We have esp?
- Not esp.
Extrasensory perception, ESP.
- Oh, esp.
- No, it's a psychic phenomenon.
- Phenomenon.
- Why yes, it's even that,
and it enables you to
communicate mentally
through transmission and
reception of thought waves.
- Hmm.
- Actually people
reach other people
over long distances that way.
- Long distance?
- Yeah.
- You don't happen to know
Raquel Welch's esp code, do you?
- No, I don't.
- I think it's 37
something, I don't know.
- Dick, 37's not an area code.
- It's the code on the
area I'm interested in.
(audience laughs)
- Guess what I'm
thinking about now?
- Cocktail party?
- See, you do have esp.
Come on, folks,
let's go to the party.
(upbeat dancing music)
- I just heard about
this civil rights leader
who accidentally parked his
car on Lester Maddox's foot,
told him he'd be
glad to remove it
with all deliberate speed.
(dancing music)
- I went to my doctor
again yesterday
for a complete examination.
It's the third time this week
and he says that I'm getting
better and better and better.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Teresa, there are
some similarities
between our
government and yours,
except we don't
have a vice president.
- Oh, well I wouldn't
worry about it, Jeremy.
I think we have enough
vice president for both of us.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I begin to suspect our
electronic society lacks faith
when I hear young people
start their prayers saying,
"One two three testing."
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I just heard about a new
all-black insurance company.
Their slogan is, "You're
in good hands in all states,
"except Mississippi,
Georgia, Louisiana, Alabama."
(dancing music)
- Do you think we
should be doing more
for future generations?
- I feel that no.
- No?
- That's what I feel.
- Why not?
- Because they
never have done anything for us.
- Good thinking.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Hey kids, I went to
the film festival last week
and I saw Bob and
Carol and Ted and Alice
and Bonnie and Clyde and Romeo
and Juliet and John and Mary.
Loved him, hated her,
hated him, loved her,
loved him, hated her, loved it.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Boris and I went
to see Oh Calcutta
and it was shocking!
We were the first members
of the audience to get a hand
from the cast on our arrival!
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Dick.
- Hmm?
- I know why you're not married.
- Why?
- You're just waiting for
the right girl to come along.
- Yeah?
Well in the meantime I'm
having a ball with the wrong ones.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- You Americans
have a unique problem.
No matter how
influential you are,
you can't get a seat on the bus,
you can't get a seat
at a hit Broadway play,
and you can't get a seat
on the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I told my son-in-law he
had to be more dominant,
more forceful, he
had to be his own man,
do his own thing,
stand up for his rights,
and don't knuckle
under. (laughs)
And he'll listen to me (laughs)
if he knows what's good for him.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- The most recent instant
analysis of the President's speech
revealed 6% nitrogen,
10% phosphoric acid,
4% pot ash, and
80% inert ingredients.
Most political observers agree
it was not only an
interesting speech,
but it has certainly
made the flowers bloom
around the White House.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- I think we should all sing
the very tasteful
birthday greeting
to our President,
Richard Milhouse Nixon.
- But it isn't his birthday.
- I know, but I'm
sure he'd love to hear
something nice from everybody.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- You certainly do
move, Mr. Rosmenko.
I wanted to ask you...
- That's more than
I could say for you.
(audience laughs)
- Do you know in America we
can choose between two parties?
- Oh Mr. Roman, it's the
same thing in the old country.
The people's republic people,
they got a choice
of two parties.
- Really?
- (laughs) The Communist
party or a farewell party.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- The cost of going to
college is at an all-time high,
but that's okay, so are
a lot of the students.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(audience applauds)
(fast music)
(alarm rings)
(cloth ripping)
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- Look what white men
have done to us Indians.
- What you mean us Indians?
- Well white men make
many treaties with us
and do not honor them.
- Yeah, red brother, I
know what you mean.
It's been 100 years since
the Emancipation Proclamation
and we still waiting on
somebody to honor it.
(audience laughs)
You know what?
- Hmm?
- I just thought of something.
- What?
- We got a lot in common.
(audience laughs)
Heard any good
Polish jokes lately?
- No.
(audience laughs)
But did you hear the
one about the two Jews
who hit this Arab
with a Chinese pizza?
(audience laughs)
- Now that's what this show
needs, more ethnic humor.
(audience laughs)
(bumbling music)
(roaring)
- Fair warning, fine friends.
Once more we find
ourselves face to face
with those freckless
villains of fun and frippery,
those frantic,
fantastic, fun-loving folk,
the Farkel family.
- Hi there, I'm Frank Farkel.
- And I'm Frank's
beloved Fanny Farkel.
- [Mark and Sparkle]
And we're their children,
Mark and Sparkle Farkel.
- And we're the twins,
Simon and Gar Farkel.
- I'm Simon.
- I'm Gar.
- We're Simon.
- And Gar Farkel.
- [Simon and Gar] We're Farkels.
- [Simon, Gar, Mark, and
Ingamar] We're all Farkels.
- So is she.
- Hi!
- She's Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- I'm their good friend and
trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.
Say, Frank, isn't
that something new?
- Yes, Ferd, we just
came across it in the attic.
It's an old grandfather Farkel
who went to France 44 years ago
and hasn't been
heard from since.
(knocking at the door)
Who can that be?
- Howdy, folks.
I guess you know who I am.
- Nope, can't say I do.
- Oh, boy, I'm
Grandfather Farkel.
- Well I'm Frank Farkel,
my wife, Fanny Farkel.
Fanny, Grandfather Farkel.
Grandfather Farkel, Fanny.
Grandfather Farkel,
Mark and Sparkle Farkel,
Fritz and Bart Farkel,
and the black
sheep of the family,
Ingamar Farkel, and
her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- And our twins,
Simon and Gar Farkel,
and Ferd Berfel.
Grandfather Farkel, Ferd.
Grandfather, Grandfather Ferd.
How's it been?
- (laughs) Well after
all that I can't remember.
- Stay tuned to hear
Flicker Farkel as she says...
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile back
at the Farkel family,
later, earlier that evening.
- As you know, my first wife,
your dear grandmother,
Phyllis Farkel, departed,
and I married her sister, Flo.
And I'm proud to tell you
that I've just become
a father again.
- Oh why Frank Farkel,
that means that you
have a new half-uncle,
because he's the half-brother
of your father, Foster Farkel.
- But no.
If your present
wife, Flo Farkel,
was your late wife's sister,
then she's also
your sister-in-law.
- Then father Farkel, that makes
your grandmother your aunt,
so the baby is your cousin.
- But if father Farkel's
grandfather's wife, Flo Farkel,
is father Farkel's
grandfather's wife's sister...
- Then the baby's mother
being father Farkel's grandmother
makes him father Farkel's
nephew once removed,
or his aunt.
- (laughs) Well I tell you what.
Wait a minute.
I tell you we can
settle it very simply.
The nurse is
bringing him in now.
Let's just take a look at him
and see who the
little nipper looks like.
Come on in, nursie.
(audience laughs)
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, folks,
when we'll hear Ferd
Berfel say to Frank Farkel...
- That's a fine-looking
bunch of relatives
you got there, Frank.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Gay.
- Deceiver.
(audience laughs)
(wacky music)
(audience laughs)
- Senor Antonio Jose Ramanomon
Fernandez O'Nahired Martinez.
(laughs)
- (laughs) Good.
- Does that embarrass you?
- No, it's getting better.
- Do you find your
body seize up with fear
when you get into the bullring?
- Never!
Never.
It happens before I
get into the bullring.
(Goldie laughs)
Why don't you show
me your veronica?
(everyone laughs)
- Nice, all right.
(dancing music)
- You remind me of the sea.
- Because I'm wild and
reckless and romantic?
- No, because you make me sick.
(audience laughs)
- And furthermore!
(audience laughs)
(defeated music)
- I want you to listen closely,
because tonight Mod, Mod
World's about show business,
I thought we'd tell the folks
about some of our early
experiences in show business.
- Oh, glad to, folks.
Around 3:30 in the
morning Geraldine and I...
- No, no,
I said we'll tell them about
our early experiences.
- Oh, okay.
Folks, around
2:30 in the morning,
Geraldine and I
were climbing up a...
- There must've been some
time in your show business career
that there were no
women involved at all.
- Let's see, how long we
been standing here now?
- Let me put it to you this way.
- We'll get out of here.
- Now come on, what was
the first act you ever did?
- I thought you didn't
wanna talk about that?
- I mean in a club.
- It was in a club.
- What did you do?
- There was this little
chorus girl, you see.
- No, I mean did
you ever do anything
besides a comedy act ever?
- Yeah, yeah.
- What?
- Once I did an escape act.
- Oh really, what's that?
What was that?
- I leaped from the
height of 20 feet,
landed on an ash
can, somersaulted,
and came up running right
away with my feet going.
- You did that in a club?
- No, in the alley beside
Geraldine's apartment
at 3:30 in the morning, you see.
Her husband got
home early. (laughs)
- Maybe you ought
to get home early,
so we can go on with the
Mod, Mod World of show biz.
The butcher the baker
the happy undertaker
Are guilty of a crime
they won't confess
They love what they're doing
The job that they're pursuing
And when it comes to showbiz
Well they couldn't
care less Because the
Booking is crummy
Your agent's a dummy
There ain't no biz like showbiz
The hours are killing
You haven't got feeling
There ain't no biz like showbiz
Everything about it
is a pain in the neck
It would make a normal
guy an absolute wreck
The story is lousy
Your costar is blousey
That's what showbiz is
The dressing room's sleazy
The costumes are cheesy
There ain't no biz like showbiz
The critics were evil
The show's in upheaval
There ain't no biz like showbiz
Everything about it
is a kick in the head
Rather than be in it
we'd be better off dead
Producers demand you
The next day they canned you
That's what showbiz is Oh Tony
The little people clamor
For the glitter and the glamour
But they've never seen
behind the scenes in
Showbiz - [Everyone] Oh no!
Oh they've read about the money
Life of milk and honey
Well it's obvious they've
never seen showbiz
- [Everyone] Right!
Work and sweat
and blood and tears
And long sleepless
nights Fame and fortune
Groovy women Name
up in lights We love it
- No!
People never know the sorrows
Broken dreams and sad tomorrows
That's what showbiz is Is
If the thought of showbiz
puts your head in a spin
Either you are crazy
or you're Irving Berlin
A boo from the gallery
A cut in your salary
Taste of champagne loses fizz
And that's what showbiz
That's What Show
Biz Is (audience applauds)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
to present our next award,
two of America's favorites,
Miss Goldie Hawn and
Mr. Bernard Schwartz.
(audience applauds)
(grand music)
- The nominations for
the best performance
by an actress in a dramatic
series on a continuing,
in a continuing
role on a special
or a one-shot dramatic
program on a continuing basis
or a non-continuing
role in a series cancelled
or a supporting role in
a dramatic variety show
not shown this season, Tony?
- Or a performance by an actress
in the original
drama for television
based on a daytime rerun of
a variety or a dramatic series,
or both,
written originally
for off-Broadway.
The nominees are Kate Smith,
Helmut Dantine,
and William Buckley.
May I have the envelope please?
Thank you.
Goldie.
- Yes.
Oh, isn't this exciting?
(audience laughs)
And the winner in
Buffalo, New York,
the King family.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Unfortunately, the King family
could not be here
with us tonight,
as they are stuck on the New
York Thruway in a '53 Falcon.
Correction, that's a '63 Falcon.
- I shall accept it for them.
- Is there anyone here
who will accept the award?
- I just said I will
accept it for them.
- Anyone at all?
- I said I would.
- I'll take it.
(audience laughs)
I can meld it down.
(audience laughs)
- The first thing about show,
the thing about people in show,
is because first of all I never,
when I was, for
instance when I was a,
I was just a little girl
and I was in Detroit,
and I, the first thing
that happened was,
oh I know it, because
when Tony, he's,
he came, he was
coming to Detroit,
and I said, "If I
could only get his,"
and I can remember
I was thrown out of,
I hit everything I could.
We, I paid off the tel,
my girlfriend Suzie,
and we went down
from school, we saw.
It was so exciting
because and then he
gave me one of his hankies.
I didn't know
what, I was just so,
it was a thrill because,
and then on top of that,
then to think that all those,
and then we're here
and we're on the same,
we're actually, I couldn't,
you know what I'm saying?
I don't know what I'm saying
but you know what I'm saying.
(audience laughs)
- People who say,
"The show must go on,"
probably have
never seen the show.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
(knocking on the door)
(lady coughs)
- I beg your pardon, but
I'm a stranger in London.
I'm trying to find the Opera
House at Covent Gardens.
- Oh I seen you on the telly.
Just a minute, don't tell me.
Top hat, white tie, tails.
(gasps)
It's Fred Astaire from America!
Hey, Bart!
It's Fred Astaire from America!
- No, I'm... (man gasps)
- Well strike me dead.
Strike me dead.
That's Fred Astaire
here at our house.
- No, I'm not,
I'll tell you, it's...
- Hey, granddad, you'll
never guess who's here!
(audience laughs)
- Who is he?
Who is it?
- [Man and Woman]
It's Fred Astaire!
- Oh!
Fred Astaire.
Where's Ginger?
Hey, Ashley, come and have
a gander and look what's here.
- I'm really not...
- Fred Astaire from America.
- I don't think you understand.
- Hey, is this the cane
that you always
tapped in the movies?
- I'm not...
- Blimey!
Blimey, it's Fred Astaire!
Ever since I've seen
your films on the telly,
I've fancied you.
- But I'm...
Putting on my top hat
Tying up my white tie
(audience applauds)
(dancing music)
- One thing I hate
is name droppers.
As a matter of fact, I was
discussing it the other day
with Steve McQueen and
Barbra Streisand, biggies.
Real big.
(audience laughs)
(dancing music)
- And now NBC offers a
behind-the-scenes glimpse
into the one part of show
business they understand best.
(comical music)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
(funny music)
- Thespian.
(audience laughs)
- Strip away the false
tinsel and glitter of Hollywood
and you will find the real
tinsel and glitter of Hollywood.
(audience laughs)
- I know what.
Wanna go to a movie tonight?
- That sounds groovy.
What's playing, Dick?
- There's a Paul Newman
picture at the Bijou.
- (laughs) You're kidding me.
- [Dick] What?
- Well you can
go if you want to.
I'm not gonna pay
any $2 to see a movie
with a five-foot-three actor
making love to
normal-sized women.
- Paul Newman
is only five-three?
- Why sure.
They gotta put him on a box
so he'll be taller
than the actresses.
- Well now how do you know that?
- My gardener's barber is a
friend of his barber's gardener.
- Yeah, it's that way with
all those movie and TV stars.
None of them are really
what we think they are.
- Sure, take Lassie.
Now first of all, she's a he.
- Secondly, he ain't even a dog.
- He's a long-haired goat.
- Oh, a goat?
- Makeup.
- But why use a goat?
- She's a friend
of the producer.
(audience laughs)
- They always
glamorize those salaries.
Thousands, they say.
It's malarkey!
- Malarkey!
- That's why so many
stars do those commercials.
- Yes, they need the bread.
- Sinatra has to sell
beer to keep things going.
- That's right.
All those stars
have part-time jobs.
- You know what?
I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- I think you guys made that up.
- No. (knocking on the door)
- Oh, excuse me.
- [Teresa] Door.
(audience laughs)
- Burbank Bugle.
That'll be 25 cents please.
(audience laughs)
- Scene 33 B, take one.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Hey.
Aren't you the big tough
cowboy actor, Buck Duke?
- Yeah.
What about it?
- I hear you have a stand-in
to do all the
rough stuff for you.
- Oh you do, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well you take that back
or you gonna get
your face kicked in.
- Oh yeah?
You don't look so tough to me.
- Okay everybody, stand back.
(audience laughs)
That'll teach you to
mess with Mr. Buck Duke.
- With today's aggressive
woman in mind,
Laugh-In suspects that
if William Shakespeare
were writing the immortal death
scene from Romeo and Juliet,
it might be a little
different today.
(audience laughs)
- Thus lover's drink
with final breath,
love's potion
bonding both in death.
So do I drink and thus
shall I perish with Juliet.
Here, to her hateful mother.
(Romeo coughs)
(audience laughs)
You don't drink?
- Romeo, what did you mean
when you said hateful mother?
Do you really think
my mother's that bad?
- No no no, nay,
nay, sweetest love,
but make haste to drink
fore I do sink to
this great coffin
beneath this black lid.
- You mean you get the
gray one with the black lid?
(audience laughs)
You know I look
better in gray and black.
- Juliet, recall our pledge upon
thy father's wretched name.
Do not swear to share eternally.
- Oh now you know
daddy hates swearing.
(audience laughs)
Besides, I think any couple
who are going to spend
that much time together
really ought to know
each other better.
Don't you, Romeo?
(Romeo coughs)
Romeo?
Wherefore art thou Romeo?
(audience laughs)
Oh!
Isn't that just like him?
He knows I hate to drink alone.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(dancing music)
(audience applauds)
- Gee Mr. Curtis, I love
you in Some Like It Warm.
- No, Goldie, when we made it,
it was called Some Like It Hot.
- Yeah, but that
was seven years ago.
(audience laughs)
(comical music)
- Shtick.
(audience laughs)
- Well it's time to
say goodnight, Dick,
and go to the joke wall.
- Before we go to the joke wall,
I'd like to say a
special goodnight
to all the senior citizens
of this great country of ours.
- I'm really moved and touched.
- Thank you.
I'd particularly like to thank
one senior citizen couple,
who contributed one of the most
voluptuous junior
citizens I've ever seen.
- There we go.
Now that that's
over with, let's see...
- What do you
mean it's over with?
I just met her.
- Just say goodnight.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, voluptuous
junior citizens.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(grand music)
- Show me a door
with a crescent on it
and I'll show you a house
that's outstanding in its field.
(audience laughs)
- I'm sorry.
It's next week.
(audience laughs)
- Goldie.
- What?
- My brother is a kleptomaniac.
- Well that's nothing,
Ton, because my father,
who is an uncle sometimes,
goes around stealing things.
- Oh you're kidding.
- No.
(audience laughs)
- My girlfriend won't
talk to me anymore.
She says my breath
smells of mouthwash.
(audience laughs)
- If you cross Christine
Jorgensen with Myra Breckenridge,
you would have a
bisexual built for two.
(audience laughs)
- I see where the Rams
have a new quarterback,
built like an oak tree.
Only problem,
every autumn his arms fall off.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, Tony.
- I'm making a Cuban Western.
- Oh I'm glad to hear
you're back in action.
A Cuban Western.
What's the plot?
- Well the plot is I
hijack a wagon trailer.
Not bad.
(audience laughs)
(Goldie laughs)
- Lily.
- Uh-Huh?
- My aunt just got arrested
for taking in washing.
- Oh that's silly.
Who can get arrested
for taking in washing?
- You can if you take it in
from somebody
else's clothesline.
(audience laughs)
- Ruth, what do
you think about...
- Yes?
- (laughs) The United States
returning Okinawa to Japan.
What do you think about that?
- They can't do that.
She's married to John Lennon.
(audience laughs)
- They didn't give out
the Peace Prize this year
because everybody
was too busy fighting.
(audience laughs)
- What do you get if you
cross Moby Dick with a toad?
Teresia?
- A whale of a wart.
Going in.
(audience laughs)
- Dick Martin?
- Yes, darling?
- Do you really have any idea
what a girl must go
through to get a mink coat?
- Well it can't be half as bad
as what the mink goes through!
(audience laughs)
- Lily?
- Yes?
- Do you know what
a girl has to go through
to get a mink coat?
- Oh indeed I do,
the front door of Saks
and the backdoor
of Dick's steam room.
- Congratulations.
(audience laughs)
- That's really dumb, you!
- Why?
- Because steam strinks minks.
- What?
- Because steam shrinks minks!
- That's right!
(everyone laughs)
- If you shrink a mink,
is it a shrunk munk?
- Coats, mink coats.
I didn't end my thing, guys.
(audience laughs)
- That was just fine, Goldie.
- Mr. Tony Curtis.
Mr. Tony Curtis.
- What?
- Haven't I seen you before?
- Yes, and you've
seen me after too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(water splashing)
(audience laughs)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughs)
(glass breaking)
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
(crowd cheering)
- Millicent, you did it again.
(audience laughs)
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
to give the cast
time to rehearse it
and get some idea of
what it should've looked like
earlier that day in
another part of town
in a seemingly
deserted warehouse.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting for a
certain level IQ. (laughs)
- Wolfgang, what did you say?
- IQ. (laughs)
- I like you too.
(audience laughs)
- You are silly sucker.
(audience laughs)
- You're going to be a
better person for this.
(audience laughs)
- Tony, run for the bunkers.
The monsoons have started.
(audience laughs)
What means iq?
(audience laughs)
Very interesting.
Goodnight, Lucy.
You really know
how to light my fire.
(clapping)