Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 20 - Episode #3.20 - full transcript

- [Announcer] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

- Good evening.

I'm Jack Benny
and I wanna tell you

what a pleasure it is to be

on Rowan and Martin's Laugh In.

Now that's because I have
a very amusing story for you.

You see it seems
there were these three

steeplejacks jammed
in a submarine.

The taller of them said

or the tallest of
them rather said-



Oh you're gonna love this.

The tallest of them said

- That was hilarious.

One of the funniest
stories I ever heard.

- Really funny, yeah.

- Wait a minute there's more.

- We haven't got time
for that right now Jack.

We've gotta get you ready

for your lion taming act.

Here you'll need this.

That's great the hat.

- Wait what lion taming act?

I've never done
a lion taming act.

- It's alright
neither has the lion.



- Oh well in that case.

- Get his chair.

- A lot of people
complain Mayor Yorty

spends too much time
outside of Los Angeles.

Most of these people
are in the towns

he visits outside
of Los Angeles.

- I must say I'm relieved
that de Gaulle is out of power.

I think it was downright nasty

the way he kept Christine Keeler

out of the common market.

- At home we watch
Laugh In in the barn.

It gives the livestock
a sense of superiority.

- Doing the Laugh In show

is my second favorite
thing in the whole world.

My first is having an
unclean yak sit on my dinner.

- The preceding
program which follows

was immediately
prerecorded to give the cast

time to disguise themselves

before leaving the studio.

(lion roars)

- Look I told you I've never
done a lion taming act.

- You're terrific.

For someone who's
never done one,

you're just great, great.

- I was.
- Yes.

- Well when did I do it?

I didn't even do it.

- Really Jack, you've
seen this show.

We don't have
time for that stuff.

The wardrobe lady has already

pressed your ballet costume.

- Ballet costume, but..

- I think he's a 42 tutu.

- I'm not a tutu.

I'm a 41 regular.

- Well be that as
it may, come on.

- Now from beautiful
downtown Burbank's

bird sanctuary and rifle range,

NBC ignores several
threatening phone calls

and presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh In.

Starring Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin

and very special
guest star Jack Benny.

Plus Artie Johnson
with Ruth Buzzi,

Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, Alan Sues,

Burbank's only one man,

all girl tuba band,
Jo Anne Worley,

Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,

Jeremy Lloyd and Lily Tomlin

and me I'm Gary Owens

with an important message

for tired housewives,

sit down and listen to
this important message

for tired husbands.

- Well after all I've
been driving all day.

- Oh I know but I
should be able to tell you,

I'm your wife.

You've got body odor.

- I take showers.

- I know but you need more.

You need Palmolive Gold.

(uptempo band music)

Are we still friends?

- Lovers.

- Oh you know what?

You really ought to do
something about your breath.

It would melt Mount Rushmore.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughing)

- I think I'll have candy.

- And now kiddies
to see what happened

to Dave Tebbit when the bandits

burned the Ponderosa down,

set your secret decoder thing

to 16, five, five,
22, five, four

and for Master Mort
Werner the numbers are 12.

- Down where I come
from they brought in

one of those computer
dating services

and it matched up the
town's only two single people.

You never saw two more
surprised old broads in your life.

I said broads.

Goober said broads.

(man muttering to himself)

(audience laughing)

- Miss Ormphby, do you
believe in love at first sight?

Do you believe in two
hearts beating as one?

Do you believe in mouth
to mouth resuscitation?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Benny you'll just be
great in the ballet number.

- But what do I do?

- Well just introduce
Dan and Dick

and don't make
any mistakes please.

- You know, people have told me

that after doing my own
show for so many years

it'd be hard making a
switch to another show.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Anyway here they are Rochester
Rowan and Dennis Martin.

Pray for them.

This is the silliest thing
I've ever done in my life.

- Just keep it moving
Jack, keep it moving.

- [Both] Keep it
moving, keep it moving.

- Well gee I must say

you're really looking
great these days.

What are you doing?

- Well thanks.

You're kinda cute yourself.

- No I mean it.

You're just a radiant
picture of health.

- I should think so.

That's because of my
new interest, bodybuilding.

- Bodybuilding?
- Yeah - Very good.

Where do you work out?

- Well in a all
girl health club.

- I know I ought to
know better than to ask.

- All day long it's
bend and reach,

pinch and hug, bend
and reach, pinch and hug.

- Oh Dick come on now.

- Done wonders for my gotchas.

- Now seriously
do you lift weights?

- Well I guess so.

Last night I picked
up 128 pounds.

She was in the cocktail
lounge next to the club.

- I see.

- Her name was Barbara.

- Dick we're
discussion bodybuilding.

- You and Barbara were
discussing bodybuilding?

- No, no.
- You should believe me baby.

Barbara built a better body
than anyone built before.

And besides that when
better bodies are built,

Barbara will build them to size.

- Can we get back
to the health club?

- I didn't even know
you were a member.

- Well I'm not, you are.

- Well I got a
leotard to prove it.

- For heaven's
sake how do you get

into things like that?

- Well it's not
easy I'll tell ya.

Just pull them on slowly.

- Not the leotard you ding dong.

How in the world did you get

into an all girls health club?

- I lied.
- Well that explains it.

- It does?

- You're not really a
member of this club.

- No I'm not, I own it.

- You own it?

- Sure every girl should try

the Dick Martin road
to physical fitness.

- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.

- Yes girls a
lovelier, slimmer you

in just three short days.

- Three short days?
- And 12 great nights.

- Dick where is this
alleged club of yours?

- In my dressing room.

- Now do you expect
women to believe

they'll actually lose weight
in your dressing room?

- Lose what?

- Weight in your dressing room.

- Okay anything you say.

I'll just stall til the
class gets started.

- Well not me.

I'm gonna go to the party.

Like to pan along with us?

(audience applause)

(uptempo dance music)

- I just saw someone wearing
a completely transparent

see through blouse and the
shortest mini skirt in the world.

I was horrified.

I mean you'd really think

that Milton Berle would
have better taste than that.

- Oh Mr. Benny I often think

about how I nagged my
poor departed husband.

And if I ever find out
where he departed to,

he'll never hear the end of it.

- Mr. Rosmanko,
you light footed one,

in our country, we've
been hearing a lot

about the vocal minority.

- Oh Mr. Buddha sitting there,

in the old country
it's the same thing.

- Is it?

- The minority is wery wocal.

- Wery wocal.

- Yes, wery wocal.

Only from Siberia it's
impossible to hear them.

- I went to my doctor's office

and I almost froze to death
standing there two hours

without any clothes on.

He can't be a very
good doctor to need

two whole hours for an eye test.

- Ever since my picture
appeared in the church journal,

my parishioners
have referred to me

as the pray boy of the month.

- Say I don't know whether to go

to a topless or a
bottomless club.

Maybe I'll just flip a coin.

Heads or tails.

- Boris and I went to
a sensitivity session

where we found out that
I'm sensitive to criticism

and he's sensitive to
being hit with a chair.

- The Congress promised
us there'd be a lotta talk

about tax reform
and they were right

there's been a lotta
talk about tax reform.

- I was, you know,
delighted to hear

that Paul McCartney
is still alive.

Now if we could get
the same assurance

about Prime Minister Wilson.

- The way the post office
handles parcels today

is getting rougher and rougher.

No matter how your
packages start out,

they end up junk mail.

- Goldie you'd be the
one to ask about this.

- Yes I know a lot of things.

- Yes I know and I appreciate

your telling me about them.

But what do you
think about this.

A lot of people think

that the country is
becoming polarized.

- That now Dan, that is
ridiculous because the world,

how they gonna make us Polish?

- You know what Gina,

if you'll accompany
me to my apartment,

I'll consider it quite an honor.

- Well I'm very touched.

- I'll consider that too.

- Our club tastefully agrees

that 18 year olds
should be allowed to vote.

Just as soon as they become 21.

- Tell me Jack what do you think

about this new idea of
sex education in schools.

- Well actually there's
nothing new about it.

You see we had the same
thing when I went to school.

Only we called it recess.

(uptempo dance music)

(audience applause)

(uptempo intro)

- Hello everybody
this is Uncle Al.

The gayest pal.

Hello little friends hello.

Uncle Al doesn't
feel so hot today.

Got a medicine lag.

Well today Uncle
Al is gonna tell you

the story of Hansel and Gretel.

- [Child In Audience]
Aw that's boring.

- Knock it off
you little, anyway

Once upon a time there were

two brothers named
Hansel and Gretel.

- [Melissa] No Uncle Al,
Gretel was a girl ha ha

- Okay, that's right,

little Melissa, isn't she cute.

Anyway, Hansel and
Gretel were brothers

except Gretel was a girl

and they were
walking in the woods

when they were jumped
on by three big bears.

(audience laughing
and kid yelling)

Right then one came in
carrying Red Riding Hood

when suddenly
the clock struck 12.

(kids yelling it was Cinderella)

How could Cinderella strike 12?

- [Kid] It was the clock silly.

- Of course Cinderella
struck the clock

and then they all
lived happily ever after

and the house was made of candy.

(kids yelling Hansel and Gretel)

Right just like you promised

and remember the
moral of the story is

you can lead a horse
to water but you can't-

(screaming)

- And now stay tuned for
this important message.

- Show me a factory
full of drunk employees

and I'll show you
a potted plant.

- Twit you told them
now they won't stay tuned.

(uptempo zany music)

- Ole!
- Beautiful

- That doesn't make sense.

- Well it'll work
Jack, trust me.

- Trust you?
- Yeah.

Have I ever lied to you before?

- No - Well there you go.

It'll work.

Keep it moving.

- Again keep it moving.

(musical introduction)

Hike.

(all laughing)

I just don't get it.

- Keep it moving Mr. Jack
Benny, keep it moving.

- It's moving it's moving, look.

(slow Western music)

(audience laughing)

- Tell me Mr. Carson
what do you think

is the best way for a
girl to get into television?

- Well you just see my
producer Rudy Tellez

and he'll take care of you.

- Oh thank you.
- That's alright.

- Oh Mr. Carson can you tell me

the best way for a girl
to get into television?

- In your case just tear
off the back of your set.

- In Mayberry we
turn on Laugh In

at eight o'clock
sharp every Monday.

That way the TV is all warmed up

by the time the late
show comes on at nine?

(groans)

- Last night I was
in my basement

just rummaging around
in some old trunks.

- Didn't you feel a little
ridiculous dressed like that?

- Oh come on.

- Suppose if somebody had
dropped in unexpectedly?

- You're being silly.

- I'm silly.

You're the one in
the baggy shorts.

- I was looking for some
mementos of my youth,

examining my
memorabilia and I found

an old high school year book.

- I didn't even know you
went to an old high school.

- Sure brought back
a lot of memories.

Hey how'd you do in school?

- Fantastic.

- I mean what kind
of grades did you get?

- Grades, we got grades?

- Dick don't you remember

how well you did in class?

- No but there's a few
recesses I'll never forget.

- I see.

- That's what I was
telling you about, you see-

- I think it's time
for a quickie.

- Why is it recess already?

- I think so.

The bell just rang.

(gunshot sound effect)

(uptempo dance music)

- Hurry up Mr. Jack Benny.

You just gotta read the cards.

Look right there and
read the cards, hurry.

- I...
- [Jo Anne] Hurry

- I first met my wife Mary
in a department store.

When I married her I figured

if things didn't work I
could always take her back.

- The policy of most
department stores is

once you've used things
you can't take them back.

- Yes that's right.

Now come on Mr. Jack Benny.

These are the quickies.

There's no time for all that.

- But I...

- Come here baby.

I wanna hug you and kiss you

and make mad
passionate love to you.

- Oh no, I'm sorry,
this ain't my table.

This is my table.

(audience laughing)

- Angel Joke, you know
Shine On Harvest Moon?

- No but let's wing it.

(singing)

(gunshot sound effect)

- Well you look
like you got it made.

I mean man I just lost my job,

my apartment was robbed,

my wife and kids ran out on me.

I got nothing left
in the whole world.

How bout a couple of dollars?

- Why certainly if you
think you can spare it.

(stammering quickly)

- But, but, but-

- Oh that's right and the
motor boat sketch too.

Come on Jack.

- Did you understand all that?

- Well yes.

- I think you need this
more than I do Charlie.

- Thank you.

- You're gonna love this...

Hello, I'm the new
efficiency expert.

What is it that you're doing?

- Well I'm in quality control,

testing the product,
checking its strength.

- Oh well my goodness,

that box sure did
hold up didn't it?

- Well that's the trouble.

I was testing the hammer.

- Were you?

- Hold it, hold
it, just a second.

- That's it.

Okay keep it moving,
keep it moving.

- Oh hi Gold.
- Hi Teresa.

- How you doing?
- I'm alright.

- Good.

Hey how'd that new detergent

you bought last week work out?

- Well I washed
Gus' shirts in it

and everything certainly
did come out white.

- Well that's great.

- No when I put them
in they were blue.

- Yep that do make a difference.

- Well I... Please
Mr. Jack Benny,

keep it moving,
keep it moving, OW!

- Ow?

- Say buddy, I want my
money back for these.

They all have
cyclamates in them.

- Okay

- Thank you.

Could I have a carton
of cigarettes please?

- Mr. Benny please,

you've got to keep it
moving, keep it moving, OW!

- Ow?

Yes this is Dr. Kamowski.

Well the earliest I can give you

an appointment is three weeks.

You may be dead by then?

Well in that case
please don't forget

to cancel the appointment.

(musical fanfare)

- For the quickies Jack,
you're a great doctor.

Beautiful, let's go.

- You mean it's all over?

- What're you still doing
in the doctor's outfit?

- You gotta get out of that.

You gotta get ready
for the football number.

- Yes sir.

(cheering and applause)

Oh that's funny.

Great football number.

- You know football.

- That's over too?

We didn't do anything.

- When we add the
music and the girls

and the waterfall,
Jack you won't-

- What waterfall?

- Never mind that.

We don't have time Jack.

We gotta get ready
for the bullfight routine.

- Get that outfit will you.

- Bullfight routine?

I've never, wait a
minute, it's silly, fellas.

I've never fought a bull before.

- Well neither has the
bull don't worry about it.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Trust me.

- Different strokes
for different folks.

- And now this late flash.

Mrs. Selma Orchard aged 85.

Say that is a late flash.

- Guess what, do you
wanna win a chance

on a wild weekend in Las Vegas?

- Win or take?

- Oh how bout take a chance.

- Why not?
- You won!

You lucky winner you, gotcha.

He touched, oh
my hair is a mess.

I couldn't possibly go to Vegas.

- It's time once
again to present

the Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award.

- Who gets the golden-(fanfare)

- You just infringed
upon the musical element.

- I think they could-

- It's time for the award.

- Well who gets the
golden groper tonight?

- The National Security Agency.

- They bugged CIA headquarters?

- No, no, no they seemed to
have developed a security leak.

- Oh there's a top secret
plumber in the house?

- Somewhere, it's not
that kind of leak Dick.

According to the
Associated Press,

Washington State
developer Edward Cook

was to attend a zoning meeting

and needed to know
the number of employees

at NSA's facility at Fort Mead.

- I see we just pick
up the phone and say

hello National Security Agency,

how many spies you got there?

- Well you see that's
very good thinking.

Mr. Cook did that.

He called them but
they wouldn't tell him.

- Well couldn't he just count

the cloaks and daggers
and divide by two?

- Well he didn't have to do that

because he was able
to get the information

from an unimpeachable
source, the Russian Embassy.

- The Russian Embassy?

- That's right.

- Seems kinda funny they'd know

and NSA wouldn't even tell
an ordinary American citizen.

- Well that's why
we're gonna give

the fickle finger to the
National Security Agency

for so zealously guarding

one of America's vital
secrets against Americans.

- Here you go and
this gold little goodie

should stop your security leak.

By the way Dan, how
many people do work there?

- Sorry that's classified.

- Okay old unimpeachable source.

- I have it here.

The information is
working people 2000.

You can call anytime.

National Security
Agency has this number.

- Keep it moving Mr. Benny.

Time for your Mountie song.

- The Mountie song?

- Yeah, over this way.

(uptempo dance music)

(drum roll)

- Buns?

- Oh good Jack.

With the Hawaiian
music and the waterfall

it'll be just great.

- What waterfall?

- Trust me.

- Twiggy is secretly in
beautiful downtown Burbank

and is hiding behind
Audrey Hepburn.

- There's the
height of something,

tuning up for this show.

- The State of the
Union by Henry Gibson.

I think the state of the
union would be better

if the union just stayed in bed.

(audience laughing)

- Milhouse, Milhouse
this is Miss Tomlin again.

I don't know why we've had
a lag in our communication.

Must be something
wrong with your instrument.

But anyway Milhouse
this is your lucky day

because do I have
the phones for you

and they're in all the
appropriate colors.

Well by appropriate
I mean appropriate.

For instance now if you're gonna

make a call to the fleet,

you might call on our
new shade of navel orange.

Isn't that creative, no?

Well how about for
any Oriental calls

you can use our new exciting
shade of curious yellow?

Oh I did too, I just loved it.

Wasn't it terrif, did it
do anything for you?

No, well oh I know what we have.

We have a terrific
phone with an option

and it'd be perfectly
good for you

to call all the heads
of labor unions.

It has a very
tightly coiled cord.

Well it's coiled
because it looks like

it's ready to strike.

Hello, hello?

Hello, this is very strange.

Venecia, Venecia
this is Earnestine.

I want you to send
out a service check

on all the circuits at 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue.

Well because honey,
it's almost impossible

to get through to that man.

- Quack

(laughing)

- People often ask me what's
my position on miniskirts.

This.

- Back home in Mayberry I
wanted to be a Broadway actor.

So I went to a drama teacher

by the name of Wells Fargo.

He was my stage coach.

(audience laughing)

- You dirty dirty rat.

Now you're gonna get
what's coming to you.

So button up your spats

and listen to these
pearls I'm throwing to you.

- What's the news
across the nation?

- When you've
got the information

- In a way we hope will

- We just love to
give you our views.

- [All] La da di dah

Ladies and gents Laugh
In looks at the news

Here's Dan.

- The greatest Walter
Brennen impressions I ever saw.

Now with the
news of the present,

he's the man whom the news

wouldn't be the news
without the news.

Here's Lucky.

(applause)

- I'm a Yankee doodle dandy.

See I told you.

You ought to hear Lyle Talbot.

New York City, now
in its eighth week

of a garbage strike,
found its problem

further complicated
by a severe blizzard

that froze eight and
one half million tons

of garbage in the city streets.

When questioned as
to the major difficulty

facing his administration,
Mayor Lindsay said

the spring thaw.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

San Francisco, it
was revealed today

that American Indians are
making territorial demands

based on an ancient
treaty which stated

that all federal
lands not being used

to the fullest shall
revert to the Indians

therefore they have laid
claim to Alcatraz Island,

the Mojave Desert and
both houses of Congress.

And now take it away Goldie.

(drum roll)

- You dirty rat.

You (laughs) Roses
are red, violets are blue.

The future news is up to you.

(laughs) I couldn't do it.

- Very nice poem though Goldie.

- Well fine let's hear it
for the blood of own Dan.

You dirty rat.

- Goldie I just don't know.

- I do.

(laughs)

- 1990, 20 years from now,

on the 7 o'clock news,
get this one though,

on his seven o'clock news

network anchor man Spiro Agnew

unleashed a blistering attack

on US vice president
Walter Cronkite.

As a result the network reported

that the Agnew news switchboard

was flooded with a
call from its viewer.

1990, 20 years from now,

the first hippie
postmaster general,

Timothy Leary Jr.
Today announced

a startling innovation in
mail delivery he has created.

Now listen gang he has created

an airmail stamp
that sniffs its own glue

and flies by itself.

- And now Laugh
In goes floating back

two by two to Noah and his ark.

- Well what about the rabbits?

You left off the rabbits?

- What rabbits?

There are no rabbits on my list.

- Well look right
there look dumbbell.

You left off the t.

The way that you
got it, it spells rabbi.

- Oh no wonder those
two with the beards

made such a fuss
being put next to the pigs.

Well I'll move them
over to the chickens.

- Chickens?

- Hi, this is buzzing
Ruth Buzzi speaking softly

and carrying a big
shtick about Hollywood.

Item, actress Elke Sommer
had a violent argument

with her director
about a nude scene

in her next picture.

After two hours of
indignant hysterics,

Sommer won the argument.

The director agreed
to let her do one.

And that's the naked truth.

Ruth Buzzi from Tinseltown.

Kissy, kissy

- [All] Ah la di da
ladies and gents

Laugh In looked at the news

- Time now for Laugh In fable.

Here we go Mr. Jack Benny.

Just read the cards

and keep it moving,
keep it moving.

- A wise old cat
chased a young mouse

across a field and
finally caught him.

Now the young mouse had
never been caught before

but he was smart enough to say

why do you, a fine old cat,

want a skinny little
mouse like me?

Set me free.

Let me eat some nuts
and cheese and wheat

and I will grow fat and
be a better meal see.

Well the cat thought it over

as he later
explained to a friend.

Now that was the smartest
little mouse I ever ate.

- Mr. Benny wait
for your laugh now.

- But there is no laugh.

(Goldie laughs)

- Now there you go.

Keep up the good work

and keep it moving,
keep it moving.

- Keep it moving?

(slow Western music)

(uptempo dance music)

(dogs whining and barking)

Now wait!

- That's long enough.

- You know what I
can't understand?

On a show like this-
Now what's this?

- This is for your
medley of mining songs.

(vocalizing)

Good, good keep
moving Mr. Benny.

- Doing the Laugh In show
is my second favorite thing

in the whole world.

My first is sticking my mouth

over the exhaust pipe of a bus

and being dragged naked
across a cactus patch

in downtown Burbank
during a wild pig stampede.

- You know I hear a
lot about all this sex

on television today

and it makes me very angry.

I keep switching
channels all night long

and can't seem to find it.

(audience laughs
and cast cheers)

- Let me shake your hand
that was just the best one.

- Really great Jack.

- Very good Jack.

- Author, author, author, author

- Hear, hear, hear, hear

- Wow

- Tonight we're gonna
take a look at work

- Well great I'm all for that.

- You mean work?
- No looking at it.

- I thought so.

Did you ever have to
work real hard at anything.

- Well once it took two
dinners and a bottle of wine.

- I mean pursuing something

utilizing your full capacity

that could result
in an achievement

providing great
personal satisfaction.

Ever do that?

- Yeah as I said once
it took two dinners

and a bottle of wine.

- Don't know what
it means to work.

- I certainly do.

Often I tell girls I
need understanding.

- Well what's that
got to do with it?

- Nothing but it works.

- Have you ever had a real job?

- Sure I once worked
part time but I got fired.

- Why?
- It was a full time job.

- I just can't believe you-

- Just one after
the other isn't it?

- It's hard to
believe you've never

had any kind of a job.

- Well I did have one.

Carving out quite a
nice career for myself too.

- Well what were you?

- Well I was a towel boy in
the steam room at the YWCA.

- I don't wanna hear anymore.

- Finally got fired.

- Alright why?

- For getting too
wrapped up in my work.

- I think we're all getting
too wrapped up in your work

and it's time we go to
tonight's mod world of work.

- I am the gal
whose work is hard.

I have to cruise the boulevard.

I learn to pick up
the tricks of the trade.

I am Rita the new meter maid.

I am Rita the new meter maid.

Want a ticket?

(uptempo dance music)

- When we finally get
a three day work week

are we gonna lose out
on all those holidays?

- Painter quick,
move your ladder.

I gotta get into that closet

to shut off the
main power switch

because Sam the electrician's

got hold of a live wire.

- Well I'm sorry the plumber

will have to move
that pipe first.

Union rules forbid painters
doing plumber's work.

Fred come here.

- Hey hurry move that pipe.

- I can't.

I cannot until a carpenter
moves that lumber.

- Carpenter listen, quickly
will you move that board

so the plumber can move the pipe

so the painter can
move the ladder

so I can get into the closet

to shut off the
main power switch?

- I'm sorry but
you'll have to get

an electrician to move
that cable off the board first.

I can't move it.

- Sorry Sam.

- I am a qualified
chicken plucker

I pull the fuzz off
of goose or duckers.

Scrape off the swan's
down with 17 strokes

and I'm loaded with
old chicken jokes.

You ready for one?

What did the chicken
cross the road huh?

To lay it on the line.

(laughter)

I am loaded with
old chicken jokes.

(uptempo dance music)

- When the personnel
manager asked me

if I were looking for work,

I said well not necessarily

but I am looking for a job.

(stammering quickly)

- I can't even talk about it.

(uptempo dance music)

- Mr. Fitzgerald.

- Sir as this company's
efficiency expert

I have something to tell you.
- Yes

I have uncovered vast
sums of money wasted

due to slipshod
financial management,

sloppy budget coordination

and inefficient personnel.

- Very well and as this
organization's financial manager,

budget coordinator
and personnel director,

I have two things to tell you.

- What?
- One, you're darned efficient

and two you're fired.

- Well

- I am the guy who
makes Peter Pan fly.

I pull a rope and he
swings through the sky.

Since he's always played
by a Maude or a Mary,

is Peter an elf or a fairy?

I wonder is Peter
a troll or a gnome.

(uptempo dance music)

- Well that's it.

I've had it up to
here I'm quitting.

- Why?

- Well every day for
the past two years

my boss has called
me into his office

and chased me around the desk.

- Has he ever caught you?

- No that's why I'm quitting.

- I work in ladies' lingerie.

I am the jerk in lingerie.

Why am I blushing
it's only because

I'm in girdles and
nylons and bras,

with some padding

and girdles and nylons and bras.

I quit, they don't fit.

- Miss Finster I don't
know what's happened

to ethics in business.

Look at this.

A Swiss copy of
that British design

we stole from the Japanese.

(uptempo dance music)

- I spend my days
in alphabet soup.

Up to my As in alphabet soup.

Somebody else handles x, y and z

but when you find
an A it's from me.

They're delicious.

When you find an A it's from me.

My name's Dolores and
I make $1.15 an hour.

- Now I believe
we all understand

the situation we have here.

We're right in the
middle of the nurses

and the doctors' strike.

So the rest of us
hospital employees

will have to fill in
the best that we can.

Now as the administrator
in this hospital

I am familiar with
medical terminology

so I'll read the
instructions from the book.

Now what do you do?

- Oh I scrub floors.

- Alright well you'd
better wash your hands.

- Oh no no no they're clean.

They've been in the
mop bucket all day.

- Now you sure you can
perform the actual operation?

- Oh sure I know
a lot about anatomy

from preparing
chickens in the kitchen.

- Oh well ready to start?
- Sure.

- Well just a minute now

you're not gonna start
with a pair of scissors.

- What would you like?

- Get the scalpel.

That's the one with
the sharp edge okay.

(instruments clanking)

Now it says that you, you ready?

You make the initial incision

between the hip
bone and the navel

about three inches long.

You got that?

- Sure, I'd just like
to ask one thing.

Is it before or after
I cut off its head?

- My occupation is very old.

Polishing diamonds
and digging gold.

Move over Zsa Zsa
I've found me a rajah

with jewels to have and to hold.

Pass the emeralds.

Jewels to have and to hold.

- Well that's our
mod world for tonight

and Jack about your
performance in the last sketch,

I don't know what to tell you.

- Wait I wasn't
in the last sketch.

- Even so you were fantastic.

- Just great.
- Oh well thank you, thank you

- Now it's time where
I kiss the guest star.

- Well now you've gone too far.

- Oh thank you for being so nice

you get a second helping.

- Jack you don't have
time to fool around like that.

You can have all
that fun a little bit later.

Right now you've gotta get ready

for the Easter parade number.

- Easter parade?

It's February now.

- You wouldn't want to wait

til everyone else
does it did you

- No I guess suppose not.

- There you go,
here's your firecracker.

- Here you go we'll be
with you in just a second.

- That's right, you'll think of
something to do there Jack.

- What will I think of now?

(uptempo dance music)

(bell clanging)

Help

(people cheering)

- I told you you'd think of
something you old pro you.

(explosion)

- Trust me?

- Well Jack right now
it's storytelling time

for our Scandinavian viewers.

This is the point in the show

you've probably seen it

where our guest tells
a story in Scandinavian.

- But I don't speak
Scandinavian.

- Well you don't have to you see

every word you
say will be translated

by our old Scandinavian
interpreter here.

- How do you do?

(speaking Scandinavian)

- No sense speaking to him Jack,

he doesn't speak
a word of English.

- Now wait a minute fellas,

how can we do this if he doesn't

understand a word of English?

- Well the people
he'll be talking to

don't understand a
word of English either.

- Don't worry about it
Jack, it's gonna be fine.

Now you go ahead
and tell the story.

Trust me.

- Well it seems there were
these three steeplejacks-

(speaking foreign language)

and they were jammed
into this submarine.

(speaking foreign language)

and the taller one

(speaking foreign language)

and the taller one said

(speaking foreign language)

- Well it looks like
your story was a big hit.

- But I didn't
even tell the story.

I didn't understand
a word he said.

- But you didn't have too.

You already knew the story.

- We have a
resident Scandinavian

story supervisor
to test reaction.

Here she is.

- See I told you it went well.

- Yeah and with that
waterfall behind you

it's gonna be twice as funny.

- What waterfall?

- Myra Breckenridge has just won

the Downbeat Jazz Pole award

as the best combo of the year.

- Okay America,
shape up or ship out.

General Fullride
here brought to you by

the makers of fatigues available

in your choice of green.

Now a lot of you pussy footers

saying the Army
ain't democratic.

Poppycock!

It's a simple matter
of give and take

between officers and
enlisted men that's all it is.

Officers give the orders,

enlisted men take them.

Now what can
be fairer than that.

That's it for tonight.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Don't forget to
get my new record,

Harper Valley ROTC.

- I just bought my girlfriend

a genuine squirrel fur coat.

- You're kidding.

How can you tell
it's a real squirrel?

- She found nuts in the pocket.

(slow Western music)

- Someone's been shot.
- Who?

- I have.

- Shouldn't have had the chili.

- The dancing maiden is likened

to the flicker of
a candle's flame

for the shah must take
caution not to be singed.

(blowing trumpet off key)

- Well that's it
for this one folks.

Time to say goodnight Dick

and go on to the show poem.

- Yep that's right.

- Now wait a
minute fellas, hold it.

Now just hold it right here.

Now for about an hour now

you've been running
me ragged right.

I was supposed to
get a ballet number.

I didn't get that.

I was supposed to
get a football sketch.

I didn't get that.

And everybody's been
telling me about a waterfall.

I didn't even see that.

Now I've been a
nice guy, believe me.

I have been waiting and waiting.

I didn't get mad.

I waited, I even
practiced my WOW.

I didn't get it.

I've been waiting,

you've been promising
me a waterfall

now dammit I want a waterfall.

- We've gotta go.

(all talking at once)

- We don't have time for that.

Say goodnight Dick.

- Goodnight everybody.

(applause)

- I just got a job putting
body paint on chorus girls.

Only $50 a week but
that's all I could afford.

- If Kay Ballard married

former astronaut Wally Schirra,

divorced him,
married his brother,

she'd be Kay Schirra Schirra.

- You know some
people say they miss

the old days of burlesque.

Not me but I do miss the nights.

- Artie here's your pants.

- [Artie] Now I can do my lines

- I know a guy who
finally found a girl

who looked like his mother,

cooked like his mother

and talked like his mother.

Now his mother loved her

but his father hated her.

Think about it.

- Hello Jack.
- I can't see anything.

- [Dan] It's better
that way Jack.

- Well that was it.

- Okay Jack.

- Offshore oil
drilling is a lot like

a well kept Hollywood,

oh I can't go through this.

- One good thing you can say

about the oil slicks
off Santa Barbara,

at least they keep the
ocean from squeaking.

- What Vice President
Agnew really means is

do your own thing

(singing) but do it my way.

- Everybody keeps
asking why I go around

with my clothes all
wet and everything.

Well because I'm only
following directions you know.

The label says wash and wear.

- Get away from me all of you.

I live in a wild neighborhood.

The kids call the
sex education class

Operation Head Start.

- A funny thing happened
to me on the way to Burbank.

This is it.

- My uncle trained his
chauffeur to be a gorilla.

Well it looked absolutely
marvelous in the uniform

but how do you get a
Rolls Royce out of a tree?

- Sorry darling.

- [Dick] That's alright.

- Guess what, I
haven't slept for 10 days.

But you know something
else, I'm not tired.

You know why?

Cause I sleep nights.

- You know since the
kids down on the farm

started hiding their
marijuana in the hen house

now there's a little
pot in every chicken.

- I've got a friend
who crossed a sheep

let me start it again.

I've got a friend who crossed

a sheep with a porcupine.

He doesn't know what he's got

but if it knits its,
no I won't say it.

(zany uptempo music)

- For as long as I
can remember doctor

I've always had the terrible
feeling that I bore people.

- Very interesting.

Mr. Jack Benny fellow's all wet.

His timing was terrible

and he had us rushing
around like crazy.

I haven't done that much
running since the old days.

Nevertheless Lucy
my little poopshin

I'd like to run into you.

Do me a favor you little lovely

redheaded bunch of goodies.

Drop in sometimes and
you too Gary, just drop.

Max Dylan if you
are watching tonight

and I can think of no
reason why you shouldn't be,

one of our lookouts saw you

riding sidesaddle the other day.

You better watch it.

- So Jack I wonder if
you could help us out.

- Very embarrassed about this

but you see we've got
an extra minute to fill

and maybe you can
tell a story or something.

- Doesn't usually happen.

- I see the show went too fast.

Well I guess it's because
you guys kept moving it.

You told me to
move it so I moved it.

It's my fault I guess.

You said move it,
move it so I moved it.

You know me, Wow.

- A story would help.

- A story right
here, well alright,

I'll move the story.

Well anyway there were
the three steeplejacks.

- Oh gee that's a funny,
the three steeplejacks

caught in a submarine.

- Oh you know that?

- Oh everybody,
go ahead, go ahead.

- Well I can have them
caught somewhere else.

- No go ahead.

- Well there were
these three steeple-

- Well don't repeat it Jack.

We don't have that
much time, just go along.

The taller one said
to the shorter one

- Oh that's right yes

- Well it's your story
go ahead and finish it.

- Well the taller one
said to the shorter one

- Yeah we know that Jack.

What in heaven's
name did he say?

- Well he said

(one person clapping)