Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 18 - Episode #3.18 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(croaking)
- I used to be a princess.
- (Croaking) I
used to be a wart.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Temper,
congratulations, sir!
Your wife just gave birth
to an eight pound,
six ounce cigar.
- Hey, that's great!
Here, nurse, have a baby.
(audience laughs)
(dog barks)
(man whines)
- What's the matter little boy?
- I took my dog out for a walk.
And I'm cryin'
'cause I lost him.
Because he was the only one
of us who knew the way home.
- Where does your dog live?
- Don't ask me nothin'
like that, you must be crazy.
(audience laughs)
- Now, let me be
very clear about this.
Even a clown can cry.
(audience laughs)
And I am that clown.
(audience laughs)
- At that very moment,
in another part of town,
Mr. First Nighter turned to
Kato, his constant companion,
and whispered
affectionately in his ear.
- What's the matter?
- Hm? (audience laughs)
- You look a little upset.
- Well, so would
you, old Smarty Eyes.
(chuckles) I just paid a
$50 fine for over parking.
- Oh, pshaw.
- No, for parking.
- No, you don't a $50
fine for over parking.
- For parking over a police
man's motorcycle, you do.
- Oh, sometime maybe
you'll tell us the gory details.
Right now, it's time for the
party and you're all invited.
- Eh, you too, Officer
Guthrie, you little beauty, you.
- It won't help.
(audience laughs and applauds)
(upbeat dance music)
- I hear now, in Russia,
teachers have sign a loyalty oath
stating that they are not
now, and never have been,
a member of the Democratic
or Republican Parties.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I know of a seminary where
the students held a kneel-in.
The bishop broke it up by
spraying them all with holy water.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- My son and daughter in law
have had their problems
during their marriage.
They've had their
fights and their quarrels
and they have come close
to divorce many, many times.
But I think maybe it'll be
better during the second week.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Mr. Roz, may I
call you dancing fool?
Hey, how's the housing
problem in your country?
- Well, it's fantastic, good.
Everywhere you look it's
blocks and blocks of one
with two-family houses.
Each one occupation by
seven, nine, 12 families.
- Oh.
- In the daytime.
The night time, it
gets a little crowded.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- On the way home last night,
I stopped by the supermarket
to pick up a few things.
A six pack of beer
and the cutest little
guy behind the counter.
Adorah!
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, on
the Vietnam issue,
I've got a friend who
says he's a chicken hawk.
He wants us to
fight on to victory
but to do it without him.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you know that back in
the horse and buggy days,
the average speed in downtown
New York was 11 miles an hour.
Now it's down to seven.
- Well that's staggering!
- No, that's driving.
Staggering is a little quicker.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Goldie.
- Hm?
- Do you know there
are lots of schools
experimenting with
teaching machines?
- Teaching machines?
I mean, really.
How can you teach a
machine to work and talk?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I want you to know
that before I come up to
your apartment, I am a lady.
- Do you think for one
minute I'd invite you up there
if you were the blocking back
for the Los Angeles Rams?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- We girls at the club
decided very tastefully
that we should know more
about the negro problem,
so we formed a committee to
watch the Leslie Uggams Show.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I think my boyfriend's
gonna buy me a dog.
He said he'd come over tonight,
and we'd do a little petting.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, you Americans
are terribly ingenious.
I just heard about a
new toy car so real,
that the child winds
up the little motor
and it immediately
pollutes his sandbox.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- The Vice President Spiro Agnew
recently talked about
ideological eunuchs
straddling the political fence.
Doesn't he realize children
might have been
listening to that speech?
Oh my goodness!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
(audience applauds)
- And now, from the main
runway of the beautiful
downtown Burbank Airport
and Burlesque Theater,
NBC takes off again with
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Boom-Boom Rowan
and Dick Bubble
La Touche Martin.
With special guest
star, Peter Lawford
and Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, and the barely
audible Joanne Worley.
Plus, the following
anonymous people
who will remain unnamed.
Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, and Lily Tomlin.
And me, Paul Newman,
appearing tonight
in the role of Gary Owen.
And now, stand by as
NBC presents their version
of Lets Make a Deal.
- Men, take it off.
Take it all off.
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, feet.
- The following program
was prerecorded
prior to a prerecording
of the program
which follows this prerecording
of the following program.
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- Here with her semi-annual
Mother's Day program
is the lovely Dan Rowan
and his delightful mother
and bowling
partner, Dick Martin.
As we join them, Mert
turns to Marge and says...
- Well, I was just tryin'
to explain to you that the
(trills tongue)
You can always
improve your mind.
Your brain's just like a
muscle, all it needs is exercise.
- Take it out for a
walk. (audience laughs)
- You don't take
it out for a walk.
- Well, I really don't
have time anyway,
what, with all my
hobbies, you know.
- What hobbies?
- Well, there's
Natalie, Lana, Raquel.
- Look, I'm just as
busy as you are, sport.
- With Natalie,
Lana, and Raquel?
- Oh, for heaven's sake, no.
- Thank heavens, I can't
stand girls who are not faithful.
- Well that's the only
restriction I've ever heard.
Listen...
- Well, I'm not too
fussy about that either.
- Listen, I'm taking a
course in sleep learning.
- That's ridicle-dockle.
Why would anyone have
to learn how to sleep?
- You don't learn how to sleep,
that's not what I mean.
- You just jump in your
jammies and shut your eyes.
- No, Dick, what I
mean is that, Dick.
Dick!
- Ah!
I'll have cornflakes, a
little bananas and cream.
- Oh, you learned
how to sleep alright,
but sleep-learning refers to
the absorption of knowledge
through the subconscious
while you're asleep.
It's wild!
- All that while I'm asleep?
- Yeah, all it requires is a
speaker under your pillow.
- Who needs it, I speak
for myself, Myles Standish.
- No, what I'm
tryin' to tell you
is you would be astonished
what you can learn
right in your own bed.
- Well, now I'll drink to that.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not really explaining
it as well as the instructor.
Now, she'd convince you, boy.
- She?
- Oh yeah.
- Your sleep instructor's a she?
- A very lovely she.
- Well, you'll have
to excuse me now.
- Where are you going?
- Well, I'm going
to register for class.
Time for a nap, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, I just thought
that might get your interest.
Hello, Gold.
- Oh, Dan boy.
- Why don't you come
right in here in my office.
- Yes, I wanna talk to you.
- What is it?
- Well, I don't know how you
go through what you go thorugh
with that crazy cuckoo.
- Well, thanks for
the sympathy, Goldie.
- You know, Dan?
- What?
- I think it's real sweet
of Queen Elizabeth
to do our show.
- Goldie, Queen Elizabeth
isn't going to do our show.
- Oh, well she better if she
expects to get re-elected.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, well while we await
the queen, here's some quickies.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Oh, are you sure that Fred
Astaire and Ginger Rogers
got started this way?
Hm? (giggles)
(audience laughs)
- Or, I have some good
news and some bad news.
I called my boss an ignoramus.
Now, for the bad news,
somebody explained it to him,
and he fired me.
(audience laughs)
- Hello?
Get me Detroit 07123 please.
Hello, chief?
It looks like a bad month
for the automobile industry.
A lot of our 1970 models
are being recalled to Rome
to have their Saint
Christopher statues removed.
(audience laughs)
(crank clicks)
(drum rolls)
(booming thud)
- Goldie.
I think it's about time you knew
that Santa Claus is a myth.
- Really?
I thought it was a myth-ter.
(audience laughs)
- What do you mean, stand
up when I meet your mother?
- That was a quickie.
- But Peter, what if you can't
build a better mouse trap?
(giggles)
- Then try catching dumber mice!
(audience laughs)
- It's unusual.
It reminds me of the same story,
which I heard down at
the teeter-totters. (chuckles)
Of course, you really
had to be there. (chuckles)
- I do hope that Tyrone's story
will be at least a
small portion tasteful.
- Oh, the closest he's
come to being tasteful
was last week, when he ran
through the YWCA shouting,
the bunny's dead,
the bunny's dead!
(audience laughs)
- What does that mean?
- Think about it.
(audience laughs)
- You really had to
be there, Bunny Puffs.
- I refuse to go out with you.
The people laugh at
us everywhere we go.
- Then take off
that ridiculous hat.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, doctor come quickly!
It's my husband,
he's in terrible pain!
I fear it's his appendix!
- That's impossible,
Mrs. Ranceharth.
Your husband had his
appendix out two years ago.
I have never heard
of a second appendix.
- Well, did you ever hear of
a second husband, dummy?
(laughs)
(whistle ascends)
(tires screech)
(upbeat jazz music)
- Well, where were
you doing the quickies?
- I was chatting
on the telophonny.
- Telophon, on the phone even?
- Telephone, that's it, yes.
- Yes, but with
whom, may I query?
- Hm?
With my nephew, Cynthia.
- Now, a nephew's a boy.
- That's right.
You see, he went to
Europe for a sex change.
- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.
- I'll never forget it.
We all went down to
the dock to see him off,
and we were right
there when she returned.
- Yeah, well.
- She tripped merrily
down the gang plank
with a song on her lips.
- I know I'm a fool to ask,
but what was she singing?
- Well, it wasn't Thank
Heavens for Little Girls.
(audience laughs)
Or There'll Be Some
Changes Made.
(audience laughs)
Or, We Three.
(audience laughs) Or
I'm Just Wild About Harry.
- It wasn't that either, huh?
- Or Over There.
- How about trees?
- None of those songs
can beat my favorite.
Who Put the Liederkrenz in
Mrs. Palatnik's Hassenfeffer?
(audience laughs)
It was a real stinker! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Did I ever tell you
you are the most
beautiful girl in the world?
And I want you more
than anything on this earth?
- Oh, no!
- Then I wonder
who I told that to.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- A gracious good afternoon.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Do I have the party
to whom I'm speaking?
(audience laughs)
May I have your name, sir?
Mm-hm.
And what does the M stand for?
How do you spell Milhous?
Could you spell that again, sir?
Sir, I'm sorry, you're not
making yourself perfectly clear.
Thank you.
Now, Mr. Milhous, sir,
we were just idly
thumbing through our files,
and we noted that
your telephone bill
is now in the amount
of $24,000.32,
but we felt that was
rather an excessive amount
to allow on the basis
of a $10 deposit.
(audience laughs)
Oh, sir, sir, that
may very well be.
Sir, that may well be,
but according to our files,
you have been living at your
present address only one year.
But we like to keep closer
tabs on our transient customers.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Teeter-Totter.
(playful orchestral music)
- Who put the liederkrenz
in Mrs. Pulatnik's
wienerschnitzel?
- I did, you ding-a-ling.
(audience laughs)
(machine gun fires)
Socrates and Plato
Were wise to discover
You can't tell a
book by its cover
(uptempo dance music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love To
give you our views
La da dee-da Ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
- Here's Dan!
- Ha!
(audience applauds)
- Give the ladies a
great big hand, now.
Tell you what we're
gonna do here at the news
present the man who wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Strippy.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Dateline Detroit,
a spokesman for the
automotive industry today
answering charges
of excessive defects
in newly manufactured cars said,
Look on the bright side, the
more time in the repair shop,
the less time on those
dangerous freeways.
(audience laughs)
Two, three, four.
(clears throat)
In answer to protests against
oil leaking into the ocean
off California, an oil
representative said,
never mind that, we've got
a more important problem.
Ocean water is beginning
to seep into our oil tank.
(audience laughs)
Applause, applause,
applause, applause, applause.
Dateline, New York.
Despite her recent controversial
statement on marijuana,
famed anthropologist
Margaret Mead denied rumors
she intends writing a sequel
to her best-selling book
Coming of Age in Samoa called
Going to Pot in San Francisco.
(audience laughs)
Folks, there's obviously
no truth to this rumor,
so don't repeat it.
Alright, take it away, somebody.
- This is your old
friend, Somebody.
I don't know how it'll be
possible to top the present news,
but here's the new of the
future, New York City, 1990,
20 years from now.
Mr. Phillip Kitchell,
the first human ever
to be medically frozen was
successfully thawed today
cured of the heart ailment
which had caused his death.
Unfortunately,
five minute later,
Kitchell died of frostbite.
(audience laughs)
1990, 20 years from now,
in a fiery speech today,
aging Egyptian
President Gamal Nasser
once again vowed Egypt
will recover the Arab lands
taken by Israel.
And he delivered the
hard-hitting speech
from his semi-Kosher
delicatessen
in downtown Cleveland, Ohio.
(audience laughs)
AFLCIO union officials
today announced
that management has finally
given in to their demands
for a four day work schedule.
Those days are March 2nd,
June 4th, September 26th,
and December 23rd.
(audience laughs) Hope
you got 'em written down.
- (hums) And now, for
the news of the past.
Laugh-in takes you skipping
through the back
pages of history
to the first inauguration
as we join, are you ready,
President George Washington.
He is saying.
(gentle orchestral music)
- Well, well, well,
Mrs. James Madison,
how nice to see you.
- Oh, and it's such a
pleasure and such an honor
to meet you, Mr. President.
But please, won't you
call me by my first name?
- But of course.
Hello, Dolly.
- What did you say?
- I said hello, Dolly.
- Okay fellas,
number 26, hit it.
(uptempo swing music)
- La da, tee da.
Okay, sports persons.
This is the moment that makes
everything else worthwhile.
Here he is, the man who put
the tiddly in the tiddlywinks,
your sport and mine, Big Al.
Tiddle away, you biggie.
- Hi, Big Al here, splashing
down the old diving board.
(bell rings)
Featurette, oh.
Now, that's a class A tinkle.
I love that bell.
Well, I went to the badminton
matches this afternoon,
and it was awful.
Two men were smashing
some poor little thing
back and forth
with their rackets.
Somebody said it was a bird.
You should've seen
what it looked like
after they were through, oh!
All that was left was the
skeleton and a few feathers.
I went right out and
called the Audubon Society.
Squish, squash, ugh!
(bell rings)
- This is the month in
which a number of saints
were officially dropped.
This has given rise to
several unexpected problems.
- Your holiness, this
is the mayor of Dublin.
You've got to do something.
The snakes are coming back.
(cymbal crashes)
- Happy St.
Seymour's day, darling.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal crashes)
- Is this the Vatican?
Well this is the Saint
Joseph's Aspirin Company.
Do you know
anything that we don't?
(cymbal crashes)
- And sitting in our
audience tonight,
a really great guy
and former saint.
(cymbal crashes)
- To you, it's nothing,
you're Jewish,
but my husband's in
the statue business.
(cymbal crashes)
- We don't have to worry.
After all, we still
got Danny Thomas.
(cymbal crashes)
- Danny boy, don't worry.
Saint Jude is safe
for another year.
But he'll only beat out
Saint Christopher by a nose.
(laughs)
I coined it.
(cymbal crashes)
- (high-pitched
stuttering) That's all, folks!
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Put out your hand.
Well, Dick, tonight's Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award
goes to the Farmer's
Home Administration,
a division of the
Department of Agriculture,
you knew that of course.
- Well what could the
bucolic bureaucrats
do to earn the winged wiggler?
- Those bureau-cats?
Well, I'll tell you
what they did.
According a
national network story
they've spent
millions of tax dollars
guaranteeing federal loans
to build more than 400
private country clubs
in farm communities.
- Well, that oughtta be great
for everyone, rich and poor.
- Well, yes and no.
- Yes, the rich, no the poor.
- Ah, well I guess they
figure it gives the poor farmers
a nice place to live, next to.
- Well, there's more.
- There is more?
- Well, some of those
federally-financed country clubs
seems to have overlooked
the anti-discrimination laws.
- Oh, you mean Mulligans
aren't the only things
not allowed on the first tee?
- Ah, you caught
on real quickly.
The manager of the Natchez
Trace Golf Association
in Mississippi, which
received a $265,000 loan
says to his knowledge, no
negros ever played on his course.
- Oh, I'm sure
he'd have noticed.
- I think so, but he says,
if we had negros to
come here and ask to play,
the right quality people
like we think we are,
why, we'd welcome them.
- I'll be some of his
best friends are caddies.
(audience laughs)
- So, the Farmer's
Home Administration,
they'll let us play through
the ol' Fickle Finger.
- This oughtta take a
few strokes off your game.
- Fore! (chuckles)
- Oh, by the way.
- Yes.
- You know what
just occurred to me,
standing there looking
at your big, firm body?
(audience laughs)
You're gonna get it.
What?
- You know what?
You started with how
you say Johnny Carson.
And just as an announcer, and
you really worked your way up.
Now, you're into
many areas. (chuckles)
How do you explain that?
- Well, today, I'm
older, but wiser.
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
(gasping)
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughs)
(man sneezes)
(playful instrumental music)
- Dick, you mind another
golfer giving you a tip?
Golf tip?
- Hey, I'd be delighted, Bing.
- You know, when you
read the news on the show,
and you swing, and you
say, "Take it away, Goldie"?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Man, you're a slicer.
You get your right
hand over, a little on top.
- Oh move it over?
- You got to.
- Oh, that's it.
- Hi.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my friend, Henry Gibson.
(audience applauds)
(comedic tuba music)
Beat your shoulders together,
and get out there
and tell them people,
Hi there, I'm Henry
Gibson, (mumbles)
get out there and
do your number, Jim.
Get it on, now go ahead.
(audience laughs)
And if you let me down, I'm
gonna punch you in your mouth.
(audience laughs)
- Poison, by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
I've got DDT in me
Inside me is DDT
If you could look inside of me
Then you'd see DDT
Which isn't bad, I guess, if
you like to swallow live bugs.
(audience laughs)
- See, now you got it right.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, this is
a personal note
to Mr. Frank
Siminaputer, the singer.
Why don't you once in a while
sing Deutschland Uber Alles?
Give us a plug.
(audience laughs)
- And now, for a short break.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
I saw you last night
(crank clicks)
(slide whistle ascends)
(lips smack)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Have you noticed how
westerns have changed?
Now the hero kisses the
girl instead of the horse.
Well, naturally, what girl
would want to be kissed
by a horse?
Thanks for the joke, Goldie.
(audience laughs)
- It was your delivery, Peter.
- Many a pretty young
girl comes to Hollywood
to get in the movies,
but then sinks to the
level of a topless waitress.
I'll sink to that.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Dick, I don't know why
I have such trouble
with your name,
but tonight, we're
gonna salute women.
- Well, it's about time.
- Oh, I thought that
might tickle your fancy.
- Ha!
Are you kidding?
Some of my best
friends are women.
- I'm sure the entire
world's aware of that.
- As I come to think of it,
all of my best
friends are women.
(audience laughs)
- Man's best friend's a dog.
- Well, they can't
all be winners.
(audience laughs)
Gets a little foggy in
the steam room, anyway.
- Yes, yes.
What we're going to do,
friends, is pay tribute to all women
and gratitude for
everything they do for us.
- Yeah, baby.
- We'll be revealing...
- That's Shirley, you know.
- Yes, we'll be
revealing their foibles
and their peccadilloes.
- You son of a gun.
You got somethin' going
on I don't know about?
(audience laughs)
- Come on.
And shedding light
on some of their most
delightful attributes...
- You do have something goin'.
- So tonight, Laugh-in looks
at the wonderful world of women.
- Here's my world,
and welcome to it.
Here we come, Shirley.
- Will you forget about
your steam room?
- I can't, Shirley's in there.
- Who's Shirley?
- My plumber.
- Oh, I don't believe that.
- Well, it was worth
a try, Smarty Eyes.
- Dick, I'm saluting
about, I'm saluting.
I'm talking about
saluting all women.
- Whoopee!
I sure hope Shirley
gets the pipes fixed.
We got quite a night
ahead of us. (laughs)
- Well, I guess
you might say that.
- No, I doubt that I'd say that.
- Well anyway, here's
our salute to women.
Not that kind, you ding dong.
- You wanna see my flounder?
- I saw it once.
(audience laughs)
(midtempo jazz music)
The ladies in my
life You're meeting
The ladies in my life
Start greeting those
sweet and bubblesome
Tired and troublesome
Ladies in my life
A smile that lights the room
A touch of French
perfume A wild attraction
The right reaction
And man you've sealed your doom
A woman has her
pride You tell 'em
Convictions deep
inside Stop yellin'
We may do what you want
But we bet you
are never satisfied
At first resisting
And then persisting
They end up twisting the knife
I'll introduce the
ladies in my life
My mom You sure
have turned out rotten
My birthday's here
and you've forgotten
My wife You bounder,
you fool arounder
This ship of love
is bound to flouder
My pal Your gifts
have been extensive
But I'd like something
more expensive
My secretary It's
hands off Harry
unless your wife
will let you marry
A friend Hey spender,
I've been thinkin'
We might step out
and do some drinkin'
I need a centerfold
Who would end a cold
Ending all this strife
Forget the scheming
You're only dreaming
So run along to your wife What
Ladies are infuriating
Exasperating, emasculating
Those aggravating
ladies in my life
- I think it's terrible the way
you leave your mother alone.
My life
- One little drinky
can't hurt anything.
My life
- Well, if you're gonna get
fresh, how 'bout a raise?
My life
- Tiffany has the
cutest new bracelet
My life
- You've got a great
imagination, sweetie
My life
- Okay, Harry, come
on, we gotta go home.
The kids are waitin' for us.
- Yes, dear.
(audience applauds)
- Do you know what bugs me?
I'll tell you what bugs me.
All those dumb jokes
about women drivers.
The way men talk, you'd
think we really didn't really know
where we're going, really now.
(booming thud)
Well, now we can drive
straight but we can't walk,
but we can drive.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now keep
your eyes on the road
and look behind you.
- Ah!
Well if you're going to be
so bossy, drive yourself!
(booming crash)
- You know, you always hear
that women are more
emotional than men.
Well, it's just not true.
It's not true, it's not!
It's not true, it's
not true! (whimpers)
It's just not true.
- Well, how do
you like it darling?
- How much did it cost?
- Only $200.
- Two.
You paid $200 for that coat?
- No silly, I wrote
a check for it.
- But we don't have
$200 in the bank.
- Why not?
- Because we don't have $200,
therefore I did not deposit
a check for 200 in the bank.
- Well, do not blame me
for something you didn't do.
(audience laughs)
- Hello there, typical
clean-cut American boy.
- Well, hello.
Say, would you like to go
to the library with me tonight
and then on to the art museum?
- What kind of girl
do you think I am?
(audience laughs)
- One thing about marriage,
it's great on the nerves.
Now why does it grate
on the nerves like that?
(audience laughs)
- Now, this is the
wheel, that's the brake,
and that's the accelerator.
- (laughs) Enough about that,
tell me about the back seat.
(both laugh)
- Gotcha!
(uptempo pop music)
- I could tell you, what
I think about women,
is because first, the
thing, they're so big,
the thing is, they're
so huge, the thing is,
and if you walk
in, you walk down,
and sometimes if you
see a, you wanna be,
if you're a little
flirtatious, and you say,
and you give a little hi,
and the next thing you know,
you know, then maybe,
and you'll be drinking,
you have a cup, you know,
and then pretty
soon you put your,
and the room
goes, and there'll be,
and then the little
phone comes out,
and if you say before the
night, then you'll be out,
you know, and if you
said, if you don't know,
because no matter which way,
and maybe you
wanna little (lips smack)
and you say, and
they'll be wanting,
but they'll be
wanting the football
because that's all,
and that's because they,
and then you decide, and
then you wait the next time,
for a telephone, and you see
if, and then when something,
and they won't,
you try to get it,
they just, you won't hear it,
because maybe they
go, they'll be, just that's,
that's how it is, that's
how it is with women.
- The supreme court
has ruled that all men
should be given
equal opportunity.
Well, not I'm as
patriotic as the next girl,
but there just isn't time!
(audience laughs)
You know what I think, Howard?
I think you're only
dating me for sex.
That's all I mean to you is sex.
- Well, that's not true, Martha.
I like you for yourself.
You're a sweet,
intelligent girl.
- Would you care
to order now, sir?
- Oh yes, I'd like a ham
sandwich on rye broad, bread.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Nefertiti, Nefertiti!
Mark Antony is gone!
I cannot live without his love!
Bring me a poison snake!
(audience laughs)
Quickly!
(gasps) Oh!
(giggles)
(audience laughs)
(laughs hysterically)
- Queen!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- And now, we take you back
to the days of Carrie
Nation's Crusade
against the evils of alcohol.
- It is I, Carrie Nation!
- Oh!
- Repent, repent,
let the devil out!
(glass shatters)
(laughs hysterically)
(audience laughs)
Woo!
Woo!
Boy, I could sure use a drink.
(audience laughs)
- Now, let's change lanes.
Be sure and look in the
rear view mirror, now.
(uptempo pop music)
(crashing boom)
- Well, as Johnny
Cash used to say,
that about wraps up
our look at women.
- What?
- What'd you say?
- That's what Johnny
Cash used to say.
- Is that what he said?
- Why, I've had
better look at women
at the locker room in Bel Air.
- I've never seen any
women in the locker room.
- Well, you look in your
locker, I'll look in mine.
(audience laughs)
Well, anyway, that still
wraps up our look at women.
- Well, if we gotta wrap it
up, would you do me a favor?
- What's that?
- Could you wrap
it in clear plastic?
(audience laughs)
So you can see through.
- 0h, I see.
(playful instrumental music)
- Mother!
(rough scratching)
- Dad!
- Booze!
(audience laughs)
- Bing, your Pebble
Beach Tournament,
always a great tournament,
it's next week, right?
- Mm-hm.
- I was just wondering,
in all those tournaments,
who took the most shots?
- Well, last year, in
the Pro Am tournament,
Dean Martin took 63 shots.
- 63!
- He never left the
bar at the clubhouse.
(audience laughs)
- And now, it's time once
again for one man's Farkel.
The fantastic fable
of a fabulous family,
their familiar friends
and frivolous foibles.
Volume four, chapter 44
entitled A Visit From Father.
- The Farkel family?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Hi, I'm Fanny Farkel,
and this is my
husband, Frank Farkel.
And our children,
Mark and Sparkle,
and the twins,
Simon and Garfarkel.
- And her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- And this is our close
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berfle.
What's new, Ferd?
- Felicitous findings, Frank.
I just found out
that my fond father
and his old fraternity
friend will arrive shortly.
I'm now awaiting the
telegram as to the time.
(knocking)
Arriving by noon
if coming by plane
a little bit later if
coming by train
I'll be there, never fear
Signed father dear
That's a mighty fine
telegram boy we've got here
- Yes, what's your name, son?
- Fritz Fogle.
- Fritz Fogle, Frank Farkel.
Fanny Farkel, Fritz Fogle.
Fanny, Fritz, Fritz, Fanny.
- And we're the twins.
- Simon.
- And Garfarkel.
- Simon.
- And Gar.
- We're Farkels.
(blow raspberries)
- And her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- Here's something
for the service.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
I've striven to meet approval
as a telegram messenger
ever since I was
an abandoned child
in Chicopee, Massachusetts.
- Oh, my fond
father's fraternity friend
who is arriving
momentarily was obliged
to abandon his infant son
in Chicopee, Massachusetts
but recently heard the lad has
become a telegram messenger
in this very city!
(knocking)
- That must be them.
(audience laughs)
- Father!
- Son!
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, friends,
when we'll hear Ferd Berfle say.
- That's a mighty fine
lookin' abandoned son
you've got there.
(audience laughs)
- I once came in 10th in
Ferd Berfle lookalike contest
held in Davenport, Iowa.
(audience laughs)
(midtempo instrumental music)
We know how to do
everything How to dance
How to sing How
to paint How to bowl
How to really rock and roll
We know how to apple pie
How to ski and how to fly
Since we know how to do
ain't no wow to do everything
- Do you know how
to make a pillow slip?
- That's easy, put
chicken fat on the sheets.
- Right.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Do you know how to save
money on children's shoes?
- Yeah, have their
socks resoled.
- Whoa!
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Lily, do you know how
to make a slow horse fast?
- Don't feed him.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you make
an upside down cake?
- Well, you make a
cake with a sticky bottom
and you throw it at the ceiling.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey, Goldie!
Try this, how do you
disguise corned beef?
You're bleeding, you poor thing.
Now, I'm bleeding!
(audience laughs) But
you will be bleeding!
Ah!
Goldie, how do you
disguise, how do you, ah!
How do you, how do
disguise corned beef?
- You draw a mustache on it.
- Heaven.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you make
a baked Alaska?
- Start a fire in Nome.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Henry, how do you
make an alligator bag?
- Just get him a skin
that's four sizes too big.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you train a canary?
- Well, first you get a
cat and then you whip it.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Uh, Peter, how
do you train a cat?
- Get a canary that
drinks and carries a gun.
- Hey, wait a minute, is
that a drunken bird joke?
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Artie, do you know how to
make a New England boil dinner?
- Yeah, simple.
You take Rhode Island,
put it in a pot and simmer.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Artie, how do you
make a tomato surprise?
- Well, you sneak up
behind it and you yell, boo!
Then you throw a mustache on it.
- And then you whip it!
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey Pam, how do
you make hot toddy?
- Well, that's easy.
You merely build a
fire under a cold Toddy.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey, do you know how to
make a western sandwich?
- Yeah, put Miss Kitty between
two slices of Jim Arness.
- That sounds delicious.
- And naughty.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Do you know how
to make a fruit cordial?
- Yeah, I wouldn't.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
We know how to do everything
How to work and how to swing
Since we know how to do
We'll take a vow
to do everything
Since we know how to do
Why step aside and do every
How to, how to, how to, how to
How to do everything
(audience applauds)
- On the other hand.
- Another parking summons, eh?
- Well no, but it
is a sort of citation.
You see, Congressman
B.F. Sisk of Fresno, California
sent us what he calls
the Spiro T. Agnew
Flying Greek Citation
for Electronic Journalism.
- That's not the B.F. Sisk,
the famous African road explorer
we talked about a
few weeks ago, is it?
- The very same,
Congressman B.F. Sisk.
Except, he didn't go to
Africa to explore roads after all.
- He didn't go.
- Nope, we just found out he
wasn't even supposed to go.
- Who went then?
- Congress approved
seven other congressmen
to make a trip to Europe
and Africa to study roads,
we've just been informed.
Nobody went.
- Well, good for them.
It saved the taxpayers
a group of money.
- It certainly did.
And gentlemen of
Congress, might we suggest
that you continue this
commendable frugality.
- Save us a fortune by
also not going to
other outlandish places
like Greenland,
Antarctica, Burbank.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- I see, well Mr. Warren,
when did you first begin to
think that you were a couch?
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Door boy, door boy,
door boy, door boy.
(playful instrumental music)
- Hi, Ferd.
- Hi, Frank.
- And I'm Fritz Fogle.
- Are you the first Fogle?
- No, I'm the last Fogle.
- Fine lookin' agent
you've got there.
- Hi!
- You're darn right, you are.
- And me?
I'm Bullets Farkel.
(explosive bang)
(low creaking)
- Well, I'd like to say
that I'm pleased as punch
to say there is no
truth to the rumor
that I'd like to run
for president again.
I would love to run
for president again.
(audience laughs)
- And. (drum rolls)
- There is no truth to rumor
that Minute Maid is the
world's fastest housekeeper.
- Or (drum rolls)
- I would like to say that
there is no truth to the rumor
that Spiro Agnew lets
me say anything I want.
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile. (drum rolls)
(yelling in foreign language)
- I say, Caruthers,
you speak their tongue.
See what he has
to say, will you?
(yelling in foreign language)
- What did the beggar
say there, Sargent?
What did he say?
- Sir, he wants to
welcome you to the province
and says that he's very
happy that you're here.
(yelling in foreign language)
- Absolutely enchanting,
enchanting, yes.
What has he said now, Sargent?
- Well, he's happy
to report, sir,
that our presence
has done great things
for their economy and
general well being of the nation.
(yelling in foreign language)
- Absolutely splendid, splendid.
What was that little
bit at the end, there?
- Well, it seems sir, little
chap is so totally overcome
with joy and happiness
that he finds it near
impossible to express.
(yelling in foreign language)
- I must say he does, he
seems perturbed, you know?
What does he say?
He does seem perturbed.
- Well he said, sir, that
he's so completely overcome
with happiness at our presence,
that the only way he
can express his feelings
is to commit suicide.
(gun fires)
(audience laughs)
(man whines)
And he'd also like to play
a little tune for you, sir.
- Well, it's a
catchy tune, there.
(audience laughs)
- [Caruthers] It's in the
top 40 here in Calcutta, sir.
- [Visitor] Oh, really?
- Oh yes, some of the men
in the barracks dance to it
just after lights out.
- Well what time is it now?
- It's about half
past nine, sir.
- Well, if we leave
now, we'll be just in time
to be down there then.
- Right you are.
(trumpet blasting)
Oh blow it out your, excuse me!
- We should get
somebody to clean this up
when we're gone.
(trumpet buzzes pathetically)
- Very interesting
but inscrutable.
- Wolfgang, I think
you're adorable.
- Look out troops.
Here come the night
fighters. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, hello.
This is the telephone
company again.
Apparently we were cut off.
The mistake was probably
at your end, usually is.
Now then, Mr. Milhous, pardon?
Your last name is not Milhous?
Oh, I see.
Last name, mm-hm.
And your first name is Milhous.
Well, Milhous, about your bill.
Now, according to our files,
you have 175 extension phones
installed at your residence,
and you do make a great many
long distance telephone calls.
Well, there's Paris
and London, Beirut,
Tel Aviv, Johannesburg.
(clicks tongue)
Tell me, sir, confidentially,
don't you have any
friends in this country at all?
(audience laughs)
Well, sir, if they're so silent,
why do you need so
many extension phones?
(audience laughs)
Oh I see, uh-huh.
Well, sir, just who are
you calling over there?
You say that's
privileged information?
Well, I think I
understand, Milhous.
Mm-hm.
Well, I'll be in touch with you.
It's been pleasant
talking with you.
Phoenicia, Phoenicia
this is Earnestine.
Listen, I want you
to send out right away
a bulletin, an
investigation bulletin
on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
I think I've uncovered
a bookie joint.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Hi!
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, no on your tin type.
- Not on my tin type?
- No sir, and I'd like
to take this opportunity
to thank a group of people
who have done
more than their share
to make this country
what it is today.
- I am hanging on tenterhooks.
Who is this you're speaking of?
- Well, I'd like to say
thank you to Congress.
- Oh, well how highly
commendable of you, sir.
- Thank you, Rodney.
- That's alright, Harvey.
- We criticize our
congressmen a lot.
- We even criticise
the congressmen.
- I know we do.
(audience laughs)
But we seldom compliment
them on their accomplishments.
- Ah, and you're right,
and they should be complimented
on their accomplishments.
- So, I would like
to take this time
to list all of their major
accomplishments to date.
- Hold it, we only
got a couple minutes.
- Oh, that's more
than enough time.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Congress.
(uptempo jazz music)
- I went to a wedding up
at the senior citizens home.
Instead of saying I
do, they said I'll try.
- I used to star in our
church amateur shows.
Well do you
know the thrill it is
to see your name up
there in candles? (laughs)
- Hey Dick, is there
any alcohol in cider?
- Inside who?
(audience laughs)
- I was born during a full moon,
and instead of slapping me,
the doctor bit me on the neck.
(audience laughs)
- Artie, I understand Russia's
planning a huge celebration
for Lenin's 100th birthday.
- Is it gonna be
a surprise party?
- Well, only if he shows up.
- Lily?
- Yeah.
- How do you prepare a
turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
- Break it to him gently.
(audience laughs)
- My uncle has a
job in the evenings
repairing zippers
in men's trousers.
- [Dan] Oh yeah?
- Yeah, it's a fly
by night operation.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dan?
- Yes, Peter.
- I'm selling tomatoes
for 59 cents a pound.
- Did you raise them yourself?
- Yep, this morning they
were 49 cents a pound.
- Dan, do you know
what people in Berlin do
when a person gets
hit in a soccer game?
- No, what do they do?
- They send in a German sub.
- Oh, that's better.
(audience laughs)
- You know I have unusual
foreign theft insurance.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- Yeah, they only pay off
if my house burns down
and the ashes are stolen.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
- People in Hollywood
wear wooden shoes,
they don't have athlete's foot,
but they got a lot of termites.
- My uncle found a great
way to avoid the taxes.
He quit his job.
(audience laughs)
I need to relate to somebody,
I cannot do this by myself.
- You know that cute
new secretary in the office?
I think we taught her
what's right and wrong.
- Okay, you teach
her what's right.
- Oh, I have a friend
who is so dumb
that when his wife had twins,
do you know he wanted to
know who the other father was?
(audience laughs)
- My doctor gives so many shots,
he has a sign in
his office that says
To save time, please back in.
(audience laughs)
- My mother once said,
don't let strange men
come to your apartment
because it worries her.
So, here's my plan. (laughs)
I go to their apartment
and let their mothers worry.
(knocking)
(spring reverberating)
(whistle ascends)
(crank clicks)
- Excuse me, but I'm afraid
you have overlooked something.
- Oh! (laughs)
What?
- Me.
(audience laughs)
- You cute, short little devil.
Have you met Henry Gibson?
- So what if you're
only five feet two.
Eh, four.
I mean, height shouldn't
mean anything to you.
It doesn't bother anybody else.
Just don't think about it.
- Thanks, doc.
- That's okay, little fella.
(audience laughs)
- Watch out for that sign!
(booming crash)
You're gonna knock
over that fire hydrant!
(booming crash)
Watch out for that man!
Oh, you missed him.
- Well, two outta
three ain't bad.
- (laughs) Gotcha, gotcha!
- It's a double gotcha!
(booming crash)
- Very interesting,
but it was all muddled.
- On the contrary, Wolfgang.
I think it was all clear.
- It was all muddled.
- It was all clear.
- Muddled!
- Clear!
- What?
- All clear, all clear!
- Okay, guys, you can come
out of the bunkers now! (laughs)
Tom.
As for you, Lucy,
my little hassenfeffer,
I would love you to join
me wherever you are,
but unfortunately, our
gang always did have trouble
getting across
channels. (laughs)
(person clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
(croaking)
- I used to be a princess.
- (Croaking) I
used to be a wart.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Temper,
congratulations, sir!
Your wife just gave birth
to an eight pound,
six ounce cigar.
- Hey, that's great!
Here, nurse, have a baby.
(audience laughs)
(dog barks)
(man whines)
- What's the matter little boy?
- I took my dog out for a walk.
And I'm cryin'
'cause I lost him.
Because he was the only one
of us who knew the way home.
- Where does your dog live?
- Don't ask me nothin'
like that, you must be crazy.
(audience laughs)
- Now, let me be
very clear about this.
Even a clown can cry.
(audience laughs)
And I am that clown.
(audience laughs)
- At that very moment,
in another part of town,
Mr. First Nighter turned to
Kato, his constant companion,
and whispered
affectionately in his ear.
- What's the matter?
- Hm? (audience laughs)
- You look a little upset.
- Well, so would
you, old Smarty Eyes.
(chuckles) I just paid a
$50 fine for over parking.
- Oh, pshaw.
- No, for parking.
- No, you don't a $50
fine for over parking.
- For parking over a police
man's motorcycle, you do.
- Oh, sometime maybe
you'll tell us the gory details.
Right now, it's time for the
party and you're all invited.
- Eh, you too, Officer
Guthrie, you little beauty, you.
- It won't help.
(audience laughs and applauds)
(upbeat dance music)
- I hear now, in Russia,
teachers have sign a loyalty oath
stating that they are not
now, and never have been,
a member of the Democratic
or Republican Parties.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I know of a seminary where
the students held a kneel-in.
The bishop broke it up by
spraying them all with holy water.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- My son and daughter in law
have had their problems
during their marriage.
They've had their
fights and their quarrels
and they have come close
to divorce many, many times.
But I think maybe it'll be
better during the second week.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Mr. Roz, may I
call you dancing fool?
Hey, how's the housing
problem in your country?
- Well, it's fantastic, good.
Everywhere you look it's
blocks and blocks of one
with two-family houses.
Each one occupation by
seven, nine, 12 families.
- Oh.
- In the daytime.
The night time, it
gets a little crowded.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- On the way home last night,
I stopped by the supermarket
to pick up a few things.
A six pack of beer
and the cutest little
guy behind the counter.
Adorah!
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, on
the Vietnam issue,
I've got a friend who
says he's a chicken hawk.
He wants us to
fight on to victory
but to do it without him.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Do you know that back in
the horse and buggy days,
the average speed in downtown
New York was 11 miles an hour.
Now it's down to seven.
- Well that's staggering!
- No, that's driving.
Staggering is a little quicker.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- Goldie.
- Hm?
- Do you know there
are lots of schools
experimenting with
teaching machines?
- Teaching machines?
I mean, really.
How can you teach a
machine to work and talk?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I want you to know
that before I come up to
your apartment, I am a lady.
- Do you think for one
minute I'd invite you up there
if you were the blocking back
for the Los Angeles Rams?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- We girls at the club
decided very tastefully
that we should know more
about the negro problem,
so we formed a committee to
watch the Leslie Uggams Show.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- I think my boyfriend's
gonna buy me a dog.
He said he'd come over tonight,
and we'd do a little petting.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- You know, you Americans
are terribly ingenious.
I just heard about a
new toy car so real,
that the child winds
up the little motor
and it immediately
pollutes his sandbox.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
- The Vice President Spiro Agnew
recently talked about
ideological eunuchs
straddling the political fence.
Doesn't he realize children
might have been
listening to that speech?
Oh my goodness!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat dance music)
(audience applauds)
- And now, from the main
runway of the beautiful
downtown Burbank Airport
and Burlesque Theater,
NBC takes off again with
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
Starring Dan Boom-Boom Rowan
and Dick Bubble
La Touche Martin.
With special guest
star, Peter Lawford
and Artie Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi,
Henry Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Alan Sues, and the barely
audible Joanne Worley.
Plus, the following
anonymous people
who will remain unnamed.
Teresa Graves, Pamela Rodgers,
Jeremy Lloyd, and Lily Tomlin.
And me, Paul Newman,
appearing tonight
in the role of Gary Owen.
And now, stand by as
NBC presents their version
of Lets Make a Deal.
- Men, take it off.
Take it all off.
(playful orchestral music)
- Hey, feet.
- The following program
was prerecorded
prior to a prerecording
of the program
which follows this prerecording
of the following program.
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
- Here with her semi-annual
Mother's Day program
is the lovely Dan Rowan
and his delightful mother
and bowling
partner, Dick Martin.
As we join them, Mert
turns to Marge and says...
- Well, I was just tryin'
to explain to you that the
(trills tongue)
You can always
improve your mind.
Your brain's just like a
muscle, all it needs is exercise.
- Take it out for a
walk. (audience laughs)
- You don't take
it out for a walk.
- Well, I really don't
have time anyway,
what, with all my
hobbies, you know.
- What hobbies?
- Well, there's
Natalie, Lana, Raquel.
- Look, I'm just as
busy as you are, sport.
- With Natalie,
Lana, and Raquel?
- Oh, for heaven's sake, no.
- Thank heavens, I can't
stand girls who are not faithful.
- Well that's the only
restriction I've ever heard.
Listen...
- Well, I'm not too
fussy about that either.
- Listen, I'm taking a
course in sleep learning.
- That's ridicle-dockle.
Why would anyone have
to learn how to sleep?
- You don't learn how to sleep,
that's not what I mean.
- You just jump in your
jammies and shut your eyes.
- No, Dick, what I
mean is that, Dick.
Dick!
- Ah!
I'll have cornflakes, a
little bananas and cream.
- Oh, you learned
how to sleep alright,
but sleep-learning refers to
the absorption of knowledge
through the subconscious
while you're asleep.
It's wild!
- All that while I'm asleep?
- Yeah, all it requires is a
speaker under your pillow.
- Who needs it, I speak
for myself, Myles Standish.
- No, what I'm
tryin' to tell you
is you would be astonished
what you can learn
right in your own bed.
- Well, now I'll drink to that.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not really explaining
it as well as the instructor.
Now, she'd convince you, boy.
- She?
- Oh yeah.
- Your sleep instructor's a she?
- A very lovely she.
- Well, you'll have
to excuse me now.
- Where are you going?
- Well, I'm going
to register for class.
Time for a nap, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, I just thought
that might get your interest.
Hello, Gold.
- Oh, Dan boy.
- Why don't you come
right in here in my office.
- Yes, I wanna talk to you.
- What is it?
- Well, I don't know how you
go through what you go thorugh
with that crazy cuckoo.
- Well, thanks for
the sympathy, Goldie.
- You know, Dan?
- What?
- I think it's real sweet
of Queen Elizabeth
to do our show.
- Goldie, Queen Elizabeth
isn't going to do our show.
- Oh, well she better if she
expects to get re-elected.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, well while we await
the queen, here's some quickies.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi!
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Oh, are you sure that Fred
Astaire and Ginger Rogers
got started this way?
Hm? (giggles)
(audience laughs)
- Or, I have some good
news and some bad news.
I called my boss an ignoramus.
Now, for the bad news,
somebody explained it to him,
and he fired me.
(audience laughs)
- Hello?
Get me Detroit 07123 please.
Hello, chief?
It looks like a bad month
for the automobile industry.
A lot of our 1970 models
are being recalled to Rome
to have their Saint
Christopher statues removed.
(audience laughs)
(crank clicks)
(drum rolls)
(booming thud)
- Goldie.
I think it's about time you knew
that Santa Claus is a myth.
- Really?
I thought it was a myth-ter.
(audience laughs)
- What do you mean, stand
up when I meet your mother?
- That was a quickie.
- But Peter, what if you can't
build a better mouse trap?
(giggles)
- Then try catching dumber mice!
(audience laughs)
- It's unusual.
It reminds me of the same story,
which I heard down at
the teeter-totters. (chuckles)
Of course, you really
had to be there. (chuckles)
- I do hope that Tyrone's story
will be at least a
small portion tasteful.
- Oh, the closest he's
come to being tasteful
was last week, when he ran
through the YWCA shouting,
the bunny's dead,
the bunny's dead!
(audience laughs)
- What does that mean?
- Think about it.
(audience laughs)
- You really had to
be there, Bunny Puffs.
- I refuse to go out with you.
The people laugh at
us everywhere we go.
- Then take off
that ridiculous hat.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, doctor come quickly!
It's my husband,
he's in terrible pain!
I fear it's his appendix!
- That's impossible,
Mrs. Ranceharth.
Your husband had his
appendix out two years ago.
I have never heard
of a second appendix.
- Well, did you ever hear of
a second husband, dummy?
(laughs)
(whistle ascends)
(tires screech)
(upbeat jazz music)
- Well, where were
you doing the quickies?
- I was chatting
on the telophonny.
- Telophon, on the phone even?
- Telephone, that's it, yes.
- Yes, but with
whom, may I query?
- Hm?
With my nephew, Cynthia.
- Now, a nephew's a boy.
- That's right.
You see, he went to
Europe for a sex change.
- I don't think I
wanna hear about it.
- I'll never forget it.
We all went down to
the dock to see him off,
and we were right
there when she returned.
- Yeah, well.
- She tripped merrily
down the gang plank
with a song on her lips.
- I know I'm a fool to ask,
but what was she singing?
- Well, it wasn't Thank
Heavens for Little Girls.
(audience laughs)
Or There'll Be Some
Changes Made.
(audience laughs)
Or, We Three.
(audience laughs) Or
I'm Just Wild About Harry.
- It wasn't that either, huh?
- Or Over There.
- How about trees?
- None of those songs
can beat my favorite.
Who Put the Liederkrenz in
Mrs. Palatnik's Hassenfeffer?
(audience laughs)
It was a real stinker! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Did I ever tell you
you are the most
beautiful girl in the world?
And I want you more
than anything on this earth?
- Oh, no!
- Then I wonder
who I told that to.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- A gracious good afternoon.
This is Miss Tomlin of
the telephone company.
Do I have the party
to whom I'm speaking?
(audience laughs)
May I have your name, sir?
Mm-hm.
And what does the M stand for?
How do you spell Milhous?
Could you spell that again, sir?
Sir, I'm sorry, you're not
making yourself perfectly clear.
Thank you.
Now, Mr. Milhous, sir,
we were just idly
thumbing through our files,
and we noted that
your telephone bill
is now in the amount
of $24,000.32,
but we felt that was
rather an excessive amount
to allow on the basis
of a $10 deposit.
(audience laughs)
Oh, sir, sir, that
may very well be.
Sir, that may well be,
but according to our files,
you have been living at your
present address only one year.
But we like to keep closer
tabs on our transient customers.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Teeter-Totter.
(playful orchestral music)
- Who put the liederkrenz
in Mrs. Pulatnik's
wienerschnitzel?
- I did, you ding-a-ling.
(audience laughs)
(machine gun fires)
Socrates and Plato
Were wise to discover
You can't tell a
book by its cover
(uptempo dance music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse yous
We just love To
give you our views
La da dee-da Ladies and gents
Laugh and looks at the news
- Here's Dan!
- Ha!
(audience applauds)
- Give the ladies a
great big hand, now.
Tell you what we're
gonna do here at the news
present the man who wouldn't
be the news without the news,
here's Strippy.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Dateline Detroit,
a spokesman for the
automotive industry today
answering charges
of excessive defects
in newly manufactured cars said,
Look on the bright side, the
more time in the repair shop,
the less time on those
dangerous freeways.
(audience laughs)
Two, three, four.
(clears throat)
In answer to protests against
oil leaking into the ocean
off California, an oil
representative said,
never mind that, we've got
a more important problem.
Ocean water is beginning
to seep into our oil tank.
(audience laughs)
Applause, applause,
applause, applause, applause.
Dateline, New York.
Despite her recent controversial
statement on marijuana,
famed anthropologist
Margaret Mead denied rumors
she intends writing a sequel
to her best-selling book
Coming of Age in Samoa called
Going to Pot in San Francisco.
(audience laughs)
Folks, there's obviously
no truth to this rumor,
so don't repeat it.
Alright, take it away, somebody.
- This is your old
friend, Somebody.
I don't know how it'll be
possible to top the present news,
but here's the new of the
future, New York City, 1990,
20 years from now.
Mr. Phillip Kitchell,
the first human ever
to be medically frozen was
successfully thawed today
cured of the heart ailment
which had caused his death.
Unfortunately,
five minute later,
Kitchell died of frostbite.
(audience laughs)
1990, 20 years from now,
in a fiery speech today,
aging Egyptian
President Gamal Nasser
once again vowed Egypt
will recover the Arab lands
taken by Israel.
And he delivered the
hard-hitting speech
from his semi-Kosher
delicatessen
in downtown Cleveland, Ohio.
(audience laughs)
AFLCIO union officials
today announced
that management has finally
given in to their demands
for a four day work schedule.
Those days are March 2nd,
June 4th, September 26th,
and December 23rd.
(audience laughs) Hope
you got 'em written down.
- (hums) And now, for
the news of the past.
Laugh-in takes you skipping
through the back
pages of history
to the first inauguration
as we join, are you ready,
President George Washington.
He is saying.
(gentle orchestral music)
- Well, well, well,
Mrs. James Madison,
how nice to see you.
- Oh, and it's such a
pleasure and such an honor
to meet you, Mr. President.
But please, won't you
call me by my first name?
- But of course.
Hello, Dolly.
- What did you say?
- I said hello, Dolly.
- Okay fellas,
number 26, hit it.
(uptempo swing music)
- La da, tee da.
Okay, sports persons.
This is the moment that makes
everything else worthwhile.
Here he is, the man who put
the tiddly in the tiddlywinks,
your sport and mine, Big Al.
Tiddle away, you biggie.
- Hi, Big Al here, splashing
down the old diving board.
(bell rings)
Featurette, oh.
Now, that's a class A tinkle.
I love that bell.
Well, I went to the badminton
matches this afternoon,
and it was awful.
Two men were smashing
some poor little thing
back and forth
with their rackets.
Somebody said it was a bird.
You should've seen
what it looked like
after they were through, oh!
All that was left was the
skeleton and a few feathers.
I went right out and
called the Audubon Society.
Squish, squash, ugh!
(bell rings)
- This is the month in
which a number of saints
were officially dropped.
This has given rise to
several unexpected problems.
- Your holiness, this
is the mayor of Dublin.
You've got to do something.
The snakes are coming back.
(cymbal crashes)
- Happy St.
Seymour's day, darling.
(audience laughs)
(cymbal crashes)
- Is this the Vatican?
Well this is the Saint
Joseph's Aspirin Company.
Do you know
anything that we don't?
(cymbal crashes)
- And sitting in our
audience tonight,
a really great guy
and former saint.
(cymbal crashes)
- To you, it's nothing,
you're Jewish,
but my husband's in
the statue business.
(cymbal crashes)
- We don't have to worry.
After all, we still
got Danny Thomas.
(cymbal crashes)
- Danny boy, don't worry.
Saint Jude is safe
for another year.
But he'll only beat out
Saint Christopher by a nose.
(laughs)
I coined it.
(cymbal crashes)
- (high-pitched
stuttering) That's all, folks!
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Put out your hand.
Well, Dick, tonight's Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate award
goes to the Farmer's
Home Administration,
a division of the
Department of Agriculture,
you knew that of course.
- Well what could the
bucolic bureaucrats
do to earn the winged wiggler?
- Those bureau-cats?
Well, I'll tell you
what they did.
According a
national network story
they've spent
millions of tax dollars
guaranteeing federal loans
to build more than 400
private country clubs
in farm communities.
- Well, that oughtta be great
for everyone, rich and poor.
- Well, yes and no.
- Yes, the rich, no the poor.
- Ah, well I guess they
figure it gives the poor farmers
a nice place to live, next to.
- Well, there's more.
- There is more?
- Well, some of those
federally-financed country clubs
seems to have overlooked
the anti-discrimination laws.
- Oh, you mean Mulligans
aren't the only things
not allowed on the first tee?
- Ah, you caught
on real quickly.
The manager of the Natchez
Trace Golf Association
in Mississippi, which
received a $265,000 loan
says to his knowledge, no
negros ever played on his course.
- Oh, I'm sure
he'd have noticed.
- I think so, but he says,
if we had negros to
come here and ask to play,
the right quality people
like we think we are,
why, we'd welcome them.
- I'll be some of his
best friends are caddies.
(audience laughs)
- So, the Farmer's
Home Administration,
they'll let us play through
the ol' Fickle Finger.
- This oughtta take a
few strokes off your game.
- Fore! (chuckles)
- Oh, by the way.
- Yes.
- You know what
just occurred to me,
standing there looking
at your big, firm body?
(audience laughs)
You're gonna get it.
What?
- You know what?
You started with how
you say Johnny Carson.
And just as an announcer, and
you really worked your way up.
Now, you're into
many areas. (chuckles)
How do you explain that?
- Well, today, I'm
older, but wiser.
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
(gasping)
(playful instrumental music)
(audience laughs)
(man sneezes)
(playful instrumental music)
- Dick, you mind another
golfer giving you a tip?
Golf tip?
- Hey, I'd be delighted, Bing.
- You know, when you
read the news on the show,
and you swing, and you
say, "Take it away, Goldie"?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Man, you're a slicer.
You get your right
hand over, a little on top.
- Oh move it over?
- You got to.
- Oh, that's it.
- Hi.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my friend, Henry Gibson.
(audience applauds)
(comedic tuba music)
Beat your shoulders together,
and get out there
and tell them people,
Hi there, I'm Henry
Gibson, (mumbles)
get out there and
do your number, Jim.
Get it on, now go ahead.
(audience laughs)
And if you let me down, I'm
gonna punch you in your mouth.
(audience laughs)
- Poison, by Henry Gibson.
(hums)
I've got DDT in me
Inside me is DDT
If you could look inside of me
Then you'd see DDT
Which isn't bad, I guess, if
you like to swallow live bugs.
(audience laughs)
- See, now you got it right.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, this is
a personal note
to Mr. Frank
Siminaputer, the singer.
Why don't you once in a while
sing Deutschland Uber Alles?
Give us a plug.
(audience laughs)
- And now, for a short break.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
I saw you last night
(crank clicks)
(slide whistle ascends)
(lips smack)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
- Have you noticed how
westerns have changed?
Now the hero kisses the
girl instead of the horse.
Well, naturally, what girl
would want to be kissed
by a horse?
Thanks for the joke, Goldie.
(audience laughs)
- It was your delivery, Peter.
- Many a pretty young
girl comes to Hollywood
to get in the movies,
but then sinks to the
level of a topless waitress.
I'll sink to that.
(audience laughs)
- Well, Dick, I don't know why
I have such trouble
with your name,
but tonight, we're
gonna salute women.
- Well, it's about time.
- Oh, I thought that
might tickle your fancy.
- Ha!
Are you kidding?
Some of my best
friends are women.
- I'm sure the entire
world's aware of that.
- As I come to think of it,
all of my best
friends are women.
(audience laughs)
- Man's best friend's a dog.
- Well, they can't
all be winners.
(audience laughs)
Gets a little foggy in
the steam room, anyway.
- Yes, yes.
What we're going to do,
friends, is pay tribute to all women
and gratitude for
everything they do for us.
- Yeah, baby.
- We'll be revealing...
- That's Shirley, you know.
- Yes, we'll be
revealing their foibles
and their peccadilloes.
- You son of a gun.
You got somethin' going
on I don't know about?
(audience laughs)
- Come on.
And shedding light
on some of their most
delightful attributes...
- You do have something goin'.
- So tonight, Laugh-in looks
at the wonderful world of women.
- Here's my world,
and welcome to it.
Here we come, Shirley.
- Will you forget about
your steam room?
- I can't, Shirley's in there.
- Who's Shirley?
- My plumber.
- Oh, I don't believe that.
- Well, it was worth
a try, Smarty Eyes.
- Dick, I'm saluting
about, I'm saluting.
I'm talking about
saluting all women.
- Whoopee!
I sure hope Shirley
gets the pipes fixed.
We got quite a night
ahead of us. (laughs)
- Well, I guess
you might say that.
- No, I doubt that I'd say that.
- Well anyway, here's
our salute to women.
Not that kind, you ding dong.
- You wanna see my flounder?
- I saw it once.
(audience laughs)
(midtempo jazz music)
The ladies in my
life You're meeting
The ladies in my life
Start greeting those
sweet and bubblesome
Tired and troublesome
Ladies in my life
A smile that lights the room
A touch of French
perfume A wild attraction
The right reaction
And man you've sealed your doom
A woman has her
pride You tell 'em
Convictions deep
inside Stop yellin'
We may do what you want
But we bet you
are never satisfied
At first resisting
And then persisting
They end up twisting the knife
I'll introduce the
ladies in my life
My mom You sure
have turned out rotten
My birthday's here
and you've forgotten
My wife You bounder,
you fool arounder
This ship of love
is bound to flouder
My pal Your gifts
have been extensive
But I'd like something
more expensive
My secretary It's
hands off Harry
unless your wife
will let you marry
A friend Hey spender,
I've been thinkin'
We might step out
and do some drinkin'
I need a centerfold
Who would end a cold
Ending all this strife
Forget the scheming
You're only dreaming
So run along to your wife What
Ladies are infuriating
Exasperating, emasculating
Those aggravating
ladies in my life
- I think it's terrible the way
you leave your mother alone.
My life
- One little drinky
can't hurt anything.
My life
- Well, if you're gonna get
fresh, how 'bout a raise?
My life
- Tiffany has the
cutest new bracelet
My life
- You've got a great
imagination, sweetie
My life
- Okay, Harry, come
on, we gotta go home.
The kids are waitin' for us.
- Yes, dear.
(audience applauds)
- Do you know what bugs me?
I'll tell you what bugs me.
All those dumb jokes
about women drivers.
The way men talk, you'd
think we really didn't really know
where we're going, really now.
(booming thud)
Well, now we can drive
straight but we can't walk,
but we can drive.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now keep
your eyes on the road
and look behind you.
- Ah!
Well if you're going to be
so bossy, drive yourself!
(booming crash)
- You know, you always hear
that women are more
emotional than men.
Well, it's just not true.
It's not true, it's not!
It's not true, it's
not true! (whimpers)
It's just not true.
- Well, how do
you like it darling?
- How much did it cost?
- Only $200.
- Two.
You paid $200 for that coat?
- No silly, I wrote
a check for it.
- But we don't have
$200 in the bank.
- Why not?
- Because we don't have $200,
therefore I did not deposit
a check for 200 in the bank.
- Well, do not blame me
for something you didn't do.
(audience laughs)
- Hello there, typical
clean-cut American boy.
- Well, hello.
Say, would you like to go
to the library with me tonight
and then on to the art museum?
- What kind of girl
do you think I am?
(audience laughs)
- One thing about marriage,
it's great on the nerves.
Now why does it grate
on the nerves like that?
(audience laughs)
- Now, this is the
wheel, that's the brake,
and that's the accelerator.
- (laughs) Enough about that,
tell me about the back seat.
(both laugh)
- Gotcha!
(uptempo pop music)
- I could tell you, what
I think about women,
is because first, the
thing, they're so big,
the thing is, they're
so huge, the thing is,
and if you walk
in, you walk down,
and sometimes if you
see a, you wanna be,
if you're a little
flirtatious, and you say,
and you give a little hi,
and the next thing you know,
you know, then maybe,
and you'll be drinking,
you have a cup, you know,
and then pretty
soon you put your,
and the room
goes, and there'll be,
and then the little
phone comes out,
and if you say before the
night, then you'll be out,
you know, and if you
said, if you don't know,
because no matter which way,
and maybe you
wanna little (lips smack)
and you say, and
they'll be wanting,
but they'll be
wanting the football
because that's all,
and that's because they,
and then you decide, and
then you wait the next time,
for a telephone, and you see
if, and then when something,
and they won't,
you try to get it,
they just, you won't hear it,
because maybe they
go, they'll be, just that's,
that's how it is, that's
how it is with women.
- The supreme court
has ruled that all men
should be given
equal opportunity.
Well, not I'm as
patriotic as the next girl,
but there just isn't time!
(audience laughs)
You know what I think, Howard?
I think you're only
dating me for sex.
That's all I mean to you is sex.
- Well, that's not true, Martha.
I like you for yourself.
You're a sweet,
intelligent girl.
- Would you care
to order now, sir?
- Oh yes, I'd like a ham
sandwich on rye broad, bread.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Nefertiti, Nefertiti!
Mark Antony is gone!
I cannot live without his love!
Bring me a poison snake!
(audience laughs)
Quickly!
(gasps) Oh!
(giggles)
(audience laughs)
(laughs hysterically)
- Queen!
(uptempo instrumental music)
- And now, we take you back
to the days of Carrie
Nation's Crusade
against the evils of alcohol.
- It is I, Carrie Nation!
- Oh!
- Repent, repent,
let the devil out!
(glass shatters)
(laughs hysterically)
(audience laughs)
Woo!
Woo!
Boy, I could sure use a drink.
(audience laughs)
- Now, let's change lanes.
Be sure and look in the
rear view mirror, now.
(uptempo pop music)
(crashing boom)
- Well, as Johnny
Cash used to say,
that about wraps up
our look at women.
- What?
- What'd you say?
- That's what Johnny
Cash used to say.
- Is that what he said?
- Why, I've had
better look at women
at the locker room in Bel Air.
- I've never seen any
women in the locker room.
- Well, you look in your
locker, I'll look in mine.
(audience laughs)
Well, anyway, that still
wraps up our look at women.
- Well, if we gotta wrap it
up, would you do me a favor?
- What's that?
- Could you wrap
it in clear plastic?
(audience laughs)
So you can see through.
- 0h, I see.
(playful instrumental music)
- Mother!
(rough scratching)
- Dad!
- Booze!
(audience laughs)
- Bing, your Pebble
Beach Tournament,
always a great tournament,
it's next week, right?
- Mm-hm.
- I was just wondering,
in all those tournaments,
who took the most shots?
- Well, last year, in
the Pro Am tournament,
Dean Martin took 63 shots.
- 63!
- He never left the
bar at the clubhouse.
(audience laughs)
- And now, it's time once
again for one man's Farkel.
The fantastic fable
of a fabulous family,
their familiar friends
and frivolous foibles.
Volume four, chapter 44
entitled A Visit From Father.
- The Farkel family?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Hi, I'm Fanny Farkel,
and this is my
husband, Frank Farkel.
And our children,
Mark and Sparkle,
and the twins,
Simon and Garfarkel.
- And her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- And this is our close
friend and trusted neighbor,
Ferd Berfle.
What's new, Ferd?
- Felicitous findings, Frank.
I just found out
that my fond father
and his old fraternity
friend will arrive shortly.
I'm now awaiting the
telegram as to the time.
(knocking)
Arriving by noon
if coming by plane
a little bit later if
coming by train
I'll be there, never fear
Signed father dear
That's a mighty fine
telegram boy we've got here
- Yes, what's your name, son?
- Fritz Fogle.
- Fritz Fogle, Frank Farkel.
Fanny Farkel, Fritz Fogle.
Fanny, Fritz, Fritz, Fanny.
- And we're the twins.
- Simon.
- And Garfarkel.
- Simon.
- And Gar.
- We're Farkels.
(blow raspberries)
- And her, Flicker Farkel.
- Hi!
- Here's something
for the service.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
I've striven to meet approval
as a telegram messenger
ever since I was
an abandoned child
in Chicopee, Massachusetts.
- Oh, my fond
father's fraternity friend
who is arriving
momentarily was obliged
to abandon his infant son
in Chicopee, Massachusetts
but recently heard the lad has
become a telegram messenger
in this very city!
(knocking)
- That must be them.
(audience laughs)
- Father!
- Son!
- Don't fail to tune
in next week, friends,
when we'll hear Ferd Berfle say.
- That's a mighty fine
lookin' abandoned son
you've got there.
(audience laughs)
- I once came in 10th in
Ferd Berfle lookalike contest
held in Davenport, Iowa.
(audience laughs)
(midtempo instrumental music)
We know how to do
everything How to dance
How to sing How
to paint How to bowl
How to really rock and roll
We know how to apple pie
How to ski and how to fly
Since we know how to do
ain't no wow to do everything
- Do you know how
to make a pillow slip?
- That's easy, put
chicken fat on the sheets.
- Right.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Do you know how to save
money on children's shoes?
- Yeah, have their
socks resoled.
- Whoa!
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Lily, do you know how
to make a slow horse fast?
- Don't feed him.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you make
an upside down cake?
- Well, you make a
cake with a sticky bottom
and you throw it at the ceiling.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey, Goldie!
Try this, how do you
disguise corned beef?
You're bleeding, you poor thing.
Now, I'm bleeding!
(audience laughs) But
you will be bleeding!
Ah!
Goldie, how do you
disguise, how do you, ah!
How do you, how do
disguise corned beef?
- You draw a mustache on it.
- Heaven.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you make
a baked Alaska?
- Start a fire in Nome.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Henry, how do you
make an alligator bag?
- Just get him a skin
that's four sizes too big.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- How do you train a canary?
- Well, first you get a
cat and then you whip it.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Uh, Peter, how
do you train a cat?
- Get a canary that
drinks and carries a gun.
- Hey, wait a minute, is
that a drunken bird joke?
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Artie, do you know how to
make a New England boil dinner?
- Yeah, simple.
You take Rhode Island,
put it in a pot and simmer.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Artie, how do you
make a tomato surprise?
- Well, you sneak up
behind it and you yell, boo!
Then you throw a mustache on it.
- And then you whip it!
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey Pam, how do
you make hot toddy?
- Well, that's easy.
You merely build a
fire under a cold Toddy.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Hey, do you know how to
make a western sandwich?
- Yeah, put Miss Kitty between
two slices of Jim Arness.
- That sounds delicious.
- And naughty.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
- Do you know how
to make a fruit cordial?
- Yeah, I wouldn't.
(audience laughs)
(playful rhythmic music)
We know how to do everything
How to work and how to swing
Since we know how to do
We'll take a vow
to do everything
Since we know how to do
Why step aside and do every
How to, how to, how to, how to
How to do everything
(audience applauds)
- On the other hand.
- Another parking summons, eh?
- Well no, but it
is a sort of citation.
You see, Congressman
B.F. Sisk of Fresno, California
sent us what he calls
the Spiro T. Agnew
Flying Greek Citation
for Electronic Journalism.
- That's not the B.F. Sisk,
the famous African road explorer
we talked about a
few weeks ago, is it?
- The very same,
Congressman B.F. Sisk.
Except, he didn't go to
Africa to explore roads after all.
- He didn't go.
- Nope, we just found out he
wasn't even supposed to go.
- Who went then?
- Congress approved
seven other congressmen
to make a trip to Europe
and Africa to study roads,
we've just been informed.
Nobody went.
- Well, good for them.
It saved the taxpayers
a group of money.
- It certainly did.
And gentlemen of
Congress, might we suggest
that you continue this
commendable frugality.
- Save us a fortune by
also not going to
other outlandish places
like Greenland,
Antarctica, Burbank.
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- I see, well Mr. Warren,
when did you first begin to
think that you were a couch?
(audience laughs)
(playful instrumental music)
- Door boy, door boy,
door boy, door boy.
(playful instrumental music)
- Hi, Ferd.
- Hi, Frank.
- And I'm Fritz Fogle.
- Are you the first Fogle?
- No, I'm the last Fogle.
- Fine lookin' agent
you've got there.
- Hi!
- You're darn right, you are.
- And me?
I'm Bullets Farkel.
(explosive bang)
(low creaking)
- Well, I'd like to say
that I'm pleased as punch
to say there is no
truth to the rumor
that I'd like to run
for president again.
I would love to run
for president again.
(audience laughs)
- And. (drum rolls)
- There is no truth to rumor
that Minute Maid is the
world's fastest housekeeper.
- Or (drum rolls)
- I would like to say that
there is no truth to the rumor
that Spiro Agnew lets
me say anything I want.
(audience laughs)
- Meanwhile. (drum rolls)
(yelling in foreign language)
- I say, Caruthers,
you speak their tongue.
See what he has
to say, will you?
(yelling in foreign language)
- What did the beggar
say there, Sargent?
What did he say?
- Sir, he wants to
welcome you to the province
and says that he's very
happy that you're here.
(yelling in foreign language)
- Absolutely enchanting,
enchanting, yes.
What has he said now, Sargent?
- Well, he's happy
to report, sir,
that our presence
has done great things
for their economy and
general well being of the nation.
(yelling in foreign language)
- Absolutely splendid, splendid.
What was that little
bit at the end, there?
- Well, it seems sir, little
chap is so totally overcome
with joy and happiness
that he finds it near
impossible to express.
(yelling in foreign language)
- I must say he does, he
seems perturbed, you know?
What does he say?
He does seem perturbed.
- Well he said, sir, that
he's so completely overcome
with happiness at our presence,
that the only way he
can express his feelings
is to commit suicide.
(gun fires)
(audience laughs)
(man whines)
And he'd also like to play
a little tune for you, sir.
- Well, it's a
catchy tune, there.
(audience laughs)
- [Caruthers] It's in the
top 40 here in Calcutta, sir.
- [Visitor] Oh, really?
- Oh yes, some of the men
in the barracks dance to it
just after lights out.
- Well what time is it now?
- It's about half
past nine, sir.
- Well, if we leave
now, we'll be just in time
to be down there then.
- Right you are.
(trumpet blasting)
Oh blow it out your, excuse me!
- We should get
somebody to clean this up
when we're gone.
(trumpet buzzes pathetically)
- Very interesting
but inscrutable.
- Wolfgang, I think
you're adorable.
- Look out troops.
Here come the night
fighters. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, hello.
This is the telephone
company again.
Apparently we were cut off.
The mistake was probably
at your end, usually is.
Now then, Mr. Milhous, pardon?
Your last name is not Milhous?
Oh, I see.
Last name, mm-hm.
And your first name is Milhous.
Well, Milhous, about your bill.
Now, according to our files,
you have 175 extension phones
installed at your residence,
and you do make a great many
long distance telephone calls.
Well, there's Paris
and London, Beirut,
Tel Aviv, Johannesburg.
(clicks tongue)
Tell me, sir, confidentially,
don't you have any
friends in this country at all?
(audience laughs)
Well, sir, if they're so silent,
why do you need so
many extension phones?
(audience laughs)
Oh I see, uh-huh.
Well, sir, just who are
you calling over there?
You say that's
privileged information?
Well, I think I
understand, Milhous.
Mm-hm.
Well, I'll be in touch with you.
It's been pleasant
talking with you.
Phoenicia, Phoenicia
this is Earnestine.
Listen, I want you
to send out right away
a bulletin, an
investigation bulletin
on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
I think I've uncovered
a bookie joint.
(audience laughs)
(playful orchestral music)
- Hi!
- Well, it's time to
say goodnight, Dick.
- Well, no on your tin type.
- Not on my tin type?
- No sir, and I'd like
to take this opportunity
to thank a group of people
who have done
more than their share
to make this country
what it is today.
- I am hanging on tenterhooks.
Who is this you're speaking of?
- Well, I'd like to say
thank you to Congress.
- Oh, well how highly
commendable of you, sir.
- Thank you, Rodney.
- That's alright, Harvey.
- We criticize our
congressmen a lot.
- We even criticise
the congressmen.
- I know we do.
(audience laughs)
But we seldom compliment
them on their accomplishments.
- Ah, and you're right,
and they should be complimented
on their accomplishments.
- So, I would like
to take this time
to list all of their major
accomplishments to date.
- Hold it, we only
got a couple minutes.
- Oh, that's more
than enough time.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Congress.
(uptempo jazz music)
- I went to a wedding up
at the senior citizens home.
Instead of saying I
do, they said I'll try.
- I used to star in our
church amateur shows.
Well do you
know the thrill it is
to see your name up
there in candles? (laughs)
- Hey Dick, is there
any alcohol in cider?
- Inside who?
(audience laughs)
- I was born during a full moon,
and instead of slapping me,
the doctor bit me on the neck.
(audience laughs)
- Artie, I understand Russia's
planning a huge celebration
for Lenin's 100th birthday.
- Is it gonna be
a surprise party?
- Well, only if he shows up.
- Lily?
- Yeah.
- How do you prepare a
turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
- Break it to him gently.
(audience laughs)
- My uncle has a
job in the evenings
repairing zippers
in men's trousers.
- [Dan] Oh yeah?
- Yeah, it's a fly
by night operation.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dan?
- Yes, Peter.
- I'm selling tomatoes
for 59 cents a pound.
- Did you raise them yourself?
- Yep, this morning they
were 49 cents a pound.
- Dan, do you know
what people in Berlin do
when a person gets
hit in a soccer game?
- No, what do they do?
- They send in a German sub.
- Oh, that's better.
(audience laughs)
- You know I have unusual
foreign theft insurance.
- [Dan] Is that so?
- Yeah, they only pay off
if my house burns down
and the ashes are stolen.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
- People in Hollywood
wear wooden shoes,
they don't have athlete's foot,
but they got a lot of termites.
- My uncle found a great
way to avoid the taxes.
He quit his job.
(audience laughs)
I need to relate to somebody,
I cannot do this by myself.
- You know that cute
new secretary in the office?
I think we taught her
what's right and wrong.
- Okay, you teach
her what's right.
- Oh, I have a friend
who is so dumb
that when his wife had twins,
do you know he wanted to
know who the other father was?
(audience laughs)
- My doctor gives so many shots,
he has a sign in
his office that says
To save time, please back in.
(audience laughs)
- My mother once said,
don't let strange men
come to your apartment
because it worries her.
So, here's my plan. (laughs)
I go to their apartment
and let their mothers worry.
(knocking)
(spring reverberating)
(whistle ascends)
(crank clicks)
- Excuse me, but I'm afraid
you have overlooked something.
- Oh! (laughs)
What?
- Me.
(audience laughs)
- You cute, short little devil.
Have you met Henry Gibson?
- So what if you're
only five feet two.
Eh, four.
I mean, height shouldn't
mean anything to you.
It doesn't bother anybody else.
Just don't think about it.
- Thanks, doc.
- That's okay, little fella.
(audience laughs)
- Watch out for that sign!
(booming crash)
You're gonna knock
over that fire hydrant!
(booming crash)
Watch out for that man!
Oh, you missed him.
- Well, two outta
three ain't bad.
- (laughs) Gotcha, gotcha!
- It's a double gotcha!
(booming crash)
- Very interesting,
but it was all muddled.
- On the contrary, Wolfgang.
I think it was all clear.
- It was all muddled.
- It was all clear.
- Muddled!
- Clear!
- What?
- All clear, all clear!
- Okay, guys, you can come
out of the bunkers now! (laughs)
Tom.
As for you, Lucy,
my little hassenfeffer,
I would love you to join
me wherever you are,
but unfortunately, our
gang always did have trouble
getting across
channels. (laughs)
(person clapping)