Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 13 - Episode #3.13 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The
following program is
brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- I'm Roger Moore,
I'm know as the saint.
- I'm Dick Martin, I'm
known as the sinner.
- I would like to tell
you a Laugh In fable.
A muskrat once said to a horse
why do you work
for a man, leave your
miserable stable
and come with me
to a carefree
life in the forest.
Nothing happened however because
horses don't
understand muskrats.
(laughter)
Clown it up, have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh, try a fall
Make a face, ring the bell
Do a shtick, try a
trick, really sell, sell, sell
Wash your eyes, take a chance
If the crowd isn't
loud, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you wanna fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
- [Natalie] Hey Henry!
- Yes, Natalie?
- Why is an M-16 rifle
like the boss's son?
- Well 'cause it won't
work and you can't fire it.
(laughter)
- Woo, my maid has
a couple of martinis
while she makes
the bed, all morning
it's nip and tuck, nip and tuck!
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes?
- Did you ever read 20,000
Leagues Under the Sea?
- I tried, but the
pages were soggy.
(laughter)
- Oh Phyllis Diller, our guest
star, give us a hug, honey!
Listen, did you hear that the
police arrested the
cast of Oh Calcutta?
- Oh don't worry
about it, Jo Anne,
they'll probably
just grin and bare it.
(laughter)
- Natalie.
- What?
- Are you in favor of busing
children to different schools?
- Oh no, I think they should go
to the same school every day.
(laughter)
- Hey Teresa!
Teresa!
Look who's behind me.
I think I like it,
I just went to a
Chinese restaurant
that had a French chef.
- Oh, what did you
have for dinner?
- A moo goo gai (mumbles).
(laughter)
- Say, (mumbles), I don't read
those tasteless girly magazines,
I just look on the pictures.
- What if you ain't
got no pictures?
- Well (mumbles) gives me
one every once in a while.
(laughter)
- Hello, Henry.
- Hello, Dan.
Tell me, Dan.
- Yes, Henry?
- What do you get if you
cross ABC with a pair of nylons?
- Stockings that run,
but only for 13 weeks.
(laughter)
- Jeremy!
- Yes, Phyllis?
- Do you have
any idea why a girl
would wanna wear a
see through blouse?
- No, but it's
worth looking into.
(laughter)
- Hey Phyl!
- Hi, have you
ever traveled third
class on the Burbank Airline?
- I'd rather walk!
- Ha, that's third class.
(laughter)
- Hey, why are the
Paris Peace Talks
like a foggy day
in a nudist colony?
- Ruth, that's so easy to say,
but the answer is
there's no end in sight!
(laughter)
- Hey Phyllis, I just heard that
Spiro Agnew's
gonna run again in '72.
- Spiro Agnew?
- Yeah.
- Oh I hope this
time they catch him.
(laughter)
Cross your eyes, make a face
If the group is a
poop, show your place
If your world's a
world of laughter
Be it hip or hep or hop
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
(applause)
- From the
hoof-in-mouth room of the
beautiful downtown
Burbank horseshoe factory,
NBC lets it all
hang out and sends
you Rowan and Martin's Laugh In!
Starring the
unbreakable Dan Rowan
and the recently
repaired Dick Martin.
- Dick Martin is a cutie.
He reminds me of
my cousin Siggismunt.
When they repaired
him, they left
out some very interesting parts.
(laughter)
- [Gary] Tonight's very
special goodie, Phyllis Diller!
And this regular
batch of cuckoos,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues, and the
incomparable shriek
of Jo Anne Worley!
Tonight, the fearsome foursome
will be played by Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, Byron Gilliam,
and yours truly Gary
Owens, known to the
underworld as Morgul
the Friendly Drelb.
But before you settle
down completely,
here's warm word from NBC.
If he kissed you once,
will he kiss you again?
(laughter)
- And now for all of you at home
on the range, he's
a discouraging word.
(register dings)
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
(speaking French)
- Imagine what he would've
done to Schleswig-Holstein.
(laughter)
Malcolm, your French makes my
English sound like
a choir of angels.
- All right folk, I'd
like to introduce
Fang's second most favorite
team, Rowan and Martin.
Fang's favorite team
is bourbon and water.
After enough of the first,
the second looks pretty good.
(laughter)
So here's Dan
Bourbon and Dick Water!
(laughter and applause)
- Thank you, thank you,
it's like a Broadway opening!
- Yes, you've really got...
- Accolade, no flowers, please!
(laughter)
- Thank you for that
lovely introduction.
- You sure know how to make a
fella feel at home
on his own show.
- Hey Dick, what
are you doing up?
- Am I in town?
(laughter)
- Phyllis, I'd just like
to tell you what
a great pleasure
it is to have you
with us on the show.
- Aww.
- I was about to
say the same thing.
- Well that's very
sweet of you boys.
- Yeah, we feel that
you add so much
to this little jocosity
on Monday night.
- Oh jocosity, wonderful.
(laughter)
- I was about to say
almost the same thing.
- You were gonna say that.
- Yes, you add a
certain sense of beauty.
(chuckles)
- I wasn't gonna say a word.
- Well I'm certainly flattered.
As you know fellas,
I've already asked
the producer of
my program to have
you on my show
next week in return.
- But Phyllis, I understood
your show was cancelled.
- I wouldn't have you on
my show any other way.
(laughter)
- It's all your
fault, speaking of
gotchas, here come the quickies.
(bell dings)
- Oh hi, can I help
you handsome?
(monkey noises)
I've heard all about you
weightlifters, you're nothing!
We can't all be Fay
Wray for Heaven sakes.
(laughter)
(drum roll)
- Oh Dan, I'm nervous, are
you sure nothing can happen?
- Now believe me,
Miss Raskin, this is
a great gimmick,
we gotta sell carrots
and what better way than to go
door to door with a real carrot?
- Yeah, I guess so, but
I'm still not sure about this.
- Listen, will you
relax, the people take
one look at you,
they'll think carrots,
they'll eat it up,
now go get them.
- Okay.
- Oh say, won't you come in?
We're just in time for dinner.
(laughter)
- Stand by for a gale warning.
- Gail, get out of town.
The wife's onto us.
(laughter)
(cartoony spring)
(lion roars)
(laughter)
- Mr. Aubrey?
Oh congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Strongbird?
Congratulations.
Mr. Grabowski?
- Hike!
(laughter)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
That old black magic
- You little black beauty you.
(laughter)
- M-R-C.
- Very good, now that
eye, read the second line.
R-T-V-P-M-S.
- Very good, Mrs. Picasso.
Now the other eye.
- A-B-C. (laughter)
(church bell rings)
- You rang, sir?
(cartoony spring)
- Professor Brazil,
you have finally
found the traces of
a dead civilization.
How did they ever live in
this dreadfully hot climate?
- Apparently, Miss
Fiddlemont, by using a
mystical chant to
invoke the rain gods.
(singing foreign chant)
- Well now wait
a minute, did that
bring rain, that brought rain?
- No, but it felt
good, didn't it?
(laughter)
(singing foreign chant)
- Pst.
- Hmm?
- So much for the
quickies this evening.
- Here Rover, come on boy!
Here Rover!
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for my
uncle Willard's dog.
Come on boy!
Come on!
- Your uncle Willard's dog,
of course the
dog's invisible too.
- That's funny, so is Rover.
Come on boy.
- (Mumbles) as
invisible dog Rover and
the dog's disappeared,
that's what you're doing.
- It's too bad too, the little
fella is five years old today.
- Oh really?
When did he disappear?
- Five years ago today.
(laughter)
- Isn't that a kinky coinkidink?
- No, this is a coinkidink.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi, kids!
How are you, kids?
How are all you little beauties?
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal,
hello little friends, hello!
Uncle Al really feels
wonderful today,
he didn't have any
medicine last night.
Isn't that good?
- [Melissa] How
are you, Uncle Al?
- I'm just wonderful and I'm not
seeing anymore of
Miss Twinkle either.
Now today what
we're gonna do is...
- [Melissa] What's
that, Uncle Al?
- What honey?
- [Melissa] I Said what's
that in your hands, Uncle Al?
- It's Cathy clay!
(cheering)
And we're gonna make
her very soft today!
(laughter)
Melissa, I told you not...
(gasps) this was Uncle Al!
(mumbles)!
Goodbye, sweetie!
- [Roger] (mumbles), Uncle Al!
- You're not so
hot either, Roger!
(laughter)
- If that (mumbles)
Uncle Al had been
in my battalion, we would
have won hands down.
Or was it fritz down
and hands up?
(laughter)
(military trumpet call)
- All right America,
shape up or ship out.
General Bullrite here.
Tonight's message brought to you
by the makers of pup tents.
Be it ever so humble,
it's no place like home.
(laughter)
Now I wanna talk man to man with
you mothers and
fathers out there tonight.
About my summer
boot camp for boys.
Don't let your kids fritter away
their summers on
vacations and reading.
Some kids go to summer school!
Hogwash!
Get their little
noses out of them
books and into Camp Bullrite!
They'll do something
useful down there.
Out of the barracks
at dawn, 20 mile hike,
(mumbles) close ordered drill,
hand-to-hand fighting,
night maneuvers,
we make 'em or break 'em.
Of course it isn't all fun.
Pull a little (mumbles)
guard duty down there.
Then we all sit around
the old campfire.
I read those little troopers
from my own book.
Child Garden of
War Stories, they'll
love every minute of it.
Send today for your
son's application,
security clearance,
and I guess that's
about (mumbles),
that's about it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
Don't forget, support
my campaign.
Let's stamp out peace toys.
(laughter) (military
music stinger)
(wacky xylophone music)
- Son, look at yourself, you're
still dressing like a
teenager, talking like
a teenager, behaving
like a teenager.
How old are you anyway?
- Well let's see, how long have
you and mom been married now?
- I'll ask the questions
you little beauty!
(laughter)
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I'm pleased to finally meet you.
- Oh yeah, well you
know that idiot had
me in here backwards
for the last two weeks.
(laughter)
(loud car crash)
- Now that was very interesting
and they played
my favorite song.
(trumpet stinger)
- Bullfellas!
(glass shattering)
- Will you look at this place,
your clothes all over,
your records on the floor.
The place is a
mess, it's disgusting!
I'm sick of it!
- I'm sick of it too, dad.
When are we gonna move?
- (mumbles), pack his clothes!
- Can you at least
help me find my teddy?
I'm a Burbank ballerina
with the Burbank Ballet
And now for our (mumbles),
kindly walk this way
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope (mumbles)
Oh yeah We just love
to give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and gents,
laugh 'em up in our news
Here's Dan (applause)
- And now with the
news of the present,
he's the man whom
the news wouldn't be
the news without
the news, here's...
- Excuse me.
- Here's (mumbles)!
(applause) (snazzy jazz music)
- That may be the only time
we'll ever see Goldie on point.
(laughter)
AT&T today announced
favorable reaction
to their new television
phones which
enable callers
to see each other.
The only dissatisfaction
was voiced
by a Miss Phyllis
Diller who complained
people always call me
when I'm in the shower.
(laughter)
- What's worse,
they never call back.
- A followup to a news story was
made today by
photographer Mel Finkelstein
who recently was
thrown end over end by
Mrs. Jacqueline Onassis
outside a movie theater.
The puzzled Mr. Finkelstein said
funny, she didn't look judo-ish.
(laughter)
Take it away, Goldie.
- Here with the news of
the future is Goof Rowan.
- Goldie, that's Dan.
- Okay with me if you wanna be
known as Dan Goof,
go ahead and goof.
(laughter)
- Washington DC
20 years from now,
President-Elect Billy
Wilder, the Nudist Party
candidate said
today his first act
in office would be to change the
inauguration date
from January to July.
He said as things
stand now, a man
could wind up with a
frostbitten inaugural.
(laughter)
Thule Greenland, 1990.
Although topless
dancing has finally
arrived here high
above the arctic circle,
John Mukluk who is
the owner of Mukluk's
Good Luck Topless
Igloo said today
none of my girls
has been arrested for
indecent exposure,
so far the police think
the girls are just wearing
tight blue sweaters.
(laughter)
- Sounded like you
goofed to me, Dan!
- I did.
- Hi, we're here
today out front of
City Hall where a
group of civil service
workers have gone out on strike.
Sir, excuse me sir, how do you
explain this strike
by civil service
employees despite the fact that
it happens to be
against the law?
- Well in this case we
feel that the law is wrong.
- I see, but what if the
government refuses to negotiate?
- Well they have to
negotiate, it is the law.
- Is there anything
else you'd like to add?
- Yes, we'd like to
thank the silent majority
for keeping their
noses out of this thing.
(laughter)
- And now Laugh In
saddles up and goes
galloping back to Coventry
England and Lady Godiva!
- Lady Godiva, is
it true that you rode
through the middle
of town on a horse
without a stitch of clothing on?
- Yup, you should've
seen those peasants gape.
You'd think they'd never
seen a naked horse before.
(laughter)
- How do you spell horse?
- W... La da de da!
Ladies and gents,
(mumbles) at the news
(applause)
- Very interesting,
but why don't
they ever do a
shaddish or a bourbon?
(chuckles) Shaddish, bourbon?
I'll go back to my tank.
- I'm Roger Moore, I
play the part of the saint.
- So did Saint Christopher
until they cut him loose.
(laughter)
(glass shatters)
- Look at you, you bum,
why don't you get a haircut?
- Man, I don't have any bread.
- Why don't you get a job?
- With this haircut?
Who'd hire me?
- You'll drive me to my grave!
- I'll get the car.
(laughter)
- Sure, and all I said
was thee too, buddy!
(laughter)
(whistling)
- Poems Are Shorter
Than Commercials.
By Henry Gibson.
Poems are shorter
than commercials
because there ain't
no money in them.
(laughter)
- Miss Suzanne,
is it true that all the
characters in your books
are based on real people?
- Yes Allen, that's true.
- I guess there's no
doubt about it then.
I'm the love machine.
- Well looks to me like
you need a body job.
- Boy, if you wanna
read some dirty books,
just come over to my
house, it's been so long
since I've dusted the
shelves, even Heidi is filthy!
(laughter)
- Hi to all you department
store Santa Clauses everywhere!
I love you and I love the
way you ring your chimes!
(giggles) Joyous noel!
(laughter)
Thanks for the memories
(upbeat trumpet music)
(slide whistle)
- I've had it, no more
hanging around the house!
Now get out and get a job!
- What's the matter
dad, did you lose yours?
- Smart Aleck!
- Generation gap.
(laughter)
- Oh no, here comes
that handball freak again!
(trumpet stinger)
- Fellas, I want both of you to
come over to the
house on Thursday
because Fang is just
dying to meet you both.
- Well I'd love to.
- Hey, I'll be there.
- And the people down the street
are especially anxious
to meet you, Dan.
- Well that's very flattering.
- And Dick, I have a cousin
who's in from Des Moines
and she's crazy out of
her mind to meet you.
- Oh well that's
just fine, we'll
see you on Thursday then, huh?
- Sure.
- Oh no no no, I won't be
there, see, I've already met you.
(laughter)
- Well speaking of gotchas.
- Hey I don't wanna wait 'till
Thursday, let's go
to the party now.
- You're right,
you're all invited.
(applause)
Come on Phyllis,
you're invited too.
- Oh.
(swinging jazz music)
All my new hair pieces
are driving Fang to drink.
Every time I flip my
wig he popa his cork.
(laughter)
- My daughter-in-law
is such a sneak.
Yesterday, behind
my back, she changed
the lock on her diary.
(laughter)
- Some of my flock
come to church
Sunday mornings,
others prefer to sleep.
Unfortunately most
of them do both.
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes?
- Are you a fatalist?
- No, I figure Dan
that I say if a thing
is going to happen, it's gonna
happen and there's
nothing you can do.
- That's what you say?
(laughter)
- You know girls
today are really strange,
we walk around all the
time wearing practically
nothing in front of
guys and then for
a change we go home
and tease our hair.
(laughter)
- Mr. Roman, you've got to be
more careful, you look sloppy.
- Yeah, well I
would like to look
as well as you do,
you know that in
America we have an
unemployment problem,
is it the same thing
in your country?
- Well in old country
is no (mumbles)
for unemployment
problem, everybody works.
Or else.
(laughter)
- I'm just furious, a
year ago I painted
the battleship New Jersey
on my favorite model,
now the ship's been
decommissioned,
I had to put her
chest in mothballs.
(laughter)
- Jeremy.
- Oh Dan, yes.
- Hate to bother you,
but I wanted to ask you,
in England isn't
is true you have
a country of Sussex
and a county of Essex,
don't you also have a
county of Middlesex?
- Yes, but they
don't bother anybody.
(laughter)
- Boris' wife and I have
something in common.
We're both thinking
of leaving him.
(laughter)
- How would you like to
make a movie with me?
- Oh I'd love to!
Do you have any
influence with the studio?
- No, but I've got my own
self-operating camera.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend is so sweet!
I thought he loved me because I
wore miniskirts and
see through blouses,
but he said he'd love me just as
much if I didn't
wear them at all!
(laughter)
- I think it's
deplorable that movies
with so much sex are so popular.
I mean how do
they expect a person
my age to stand in line so long?
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheery ragtime
music) (loud cranking)
(laughter)
Now I'd like to introduce my
interpretive dancing class,
now this is Irving, a plumber.
- How do you do?
- Imagine that, who
is going to shed his
chrysalis and become
a beautiful butterfly.
And now this is Cynthia, who
is going to become a daisy.
And for Irving to sit on
as a butterfly of course.
Now open your petals, my dear.
Ah, the ladies are petaled.
And this is Bruce.
Oh my dear, you will
be an autumn leaf, got it?
Autumn leaf and he's
going to (mumbles).
And Mr. Brigby, my new member,
oh Mr. Brigby we're
so happy to have you
in our class, interpretive
dancing, you know.
And now what
would you like to be?
Would you like
to be a butterfly?
- No.
- Would you like to be the wind?
- I don't wanna be the wind.
- Would you like to
be a pussy willow?
- No.
- Would you like to be a daisy?
- No.
- What would you like to be?
- Eh.
- Nothing?
Oh I'll be the wind
while you decide.
- You're all bananas.
- Confound it now,
what's going on here?
Hey!
Hey, fruitcake!
What's going on here?
- What fruitcake?
- You!
- We are shedding
our inhibitions.
Oh God, we're shedding darling,
how would you like
to be something?
You wanna be a butterfly?
(laughs) You could
be an autumn leaf.
- [Roger] Better throw
a net over that one.
- I'll tell you
what, I don't care
what it is, I wanna
be something!
- Why don't you be
a sycamore seed?
- Sycamore seed?
Why not?
- That's ridiculous!
- Get it from the wind,
that's it, I will blow you away!
- Am I going the right
way for a sycamore seed?
- You're lovely, wonderful!
- Hey lady fruitcake, I decided
what I wanna be is a cop!
- What do you wanna be?
- A cop, you're
all under arrest!
Get outta here!
- I was a... (laughter)
The University of
Burbank is getting
a lot out of my book
The Love Machine.
The English department
is trying to read it and
the engineering department
is trying to build it.
(laughter)
- I was gonna play the
lead in a nudie movie
'till I found out it was called
I Am Curious, Wrinkled.
(laughter)
- I normally do my
own stunts unless
they're extremely
hazardous to my career.
That's why I should've hired
a stand-in to do this show.
(laughter)
(upbeat trumpet music)
- What is this,
look at this place,
every time I come in
the front door you're
laying around here
with your weirdo friends.
I don't know what to do.
- Well I know what you mean dad,
why don't you try
coming in the back door?
(laughter)
I mean (mumbles).
- You know, he said
every time I came
over a cow died,
right, and I said it
was anthrax and he
said it was witchcraft!
Wicked witchcraft!
(horn honks)
(laughter)
(chomping)
(cheering)
(bell rings)
- Chrysalis.
- There goes old (mumbles).
(laughter)
Even his English makes my accent
sound like a band of angels.
(chuckles)
Why don't they send him
back where they came from?
(laughter)
- My name is Romy Schneider.
- That's funny, so is mine.
- Now just a minute,
your mother and
I think that you've been seeing
entirely too much of
that Beagleman girl.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell her
to start wearing more clothes.
- That just may do it.
- Ugh, my girdle is killing me!
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
- Time once again!
(laughter)
Time once again for the Flying
Fickle Finger of
Fate Award (laughter)
- I'm afraid not, not tonight.
- No Fickle Finger?
Has the world suddenly gone mad?
- No, it's gone
good, good enough
for some of us to say something
about somebody
who did a good thing.
- Do tell.
- I intend to.
You know, in one
way or another we're all
victims of the system at
the mercy of bureaucracy.
- We are?
Well then we won't need this.
- That's true enough.
- Once in a while
somebody strikes
a blow, fights back, and wins.
- Well it's about time.
- So we institute
tonight our award
for the wonderful
world of whoopee.
- (laughs) How do you like that?
I got an A in Shop.
- That's a little beauty there.
- Thank you.
- A whoopee for
the little man who
manages to outfight or
outfox the bureaucracy.
- And who do we
whoop it up for tonight?
- Well for the first time in our
old tradition, Mr. Roger Staples
of Ann Arbor, Michigan who found
a way to stop junk
mail at his house.
- He got himself
an unlisted mailbox.
- No.
- A dog that bites postmen?
- Better than that,
according to law,
the recipient is the sole judge
of the obscenity of
any advertisement.
- I am?
- Everybody is.
Now Mr. Staples
decided that circular
showing beds,
sheets, pillows, girdles,
and intimate feminine articles,
you wouldn't know
about that, all those
things were obscene and he sent
them back to the post office.
- And the post office department
agreed with him, right?
- Right, their legal
counsel said quote
"most people gripe
about junk mail,
"but under the law
they can declare
"that any ad that
looks sexy to them,
"and if they do, the post
office is obliged to act."
- Well then Mr. Staples,
for showing us
a first class way to
stop third class mail,
he's a first class whoopee.
- And Americans,
if you're tired of all
that junk mail, just
send it back to the
post office and tell
them you think it's dirty.
Then stand back and yell
whoopee for ol' Roger Staples
up there in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
(laughter)
- Whoopee!
- Whoopee!
(cheering)
- Hi, Jacqueline.
- Hi.
- I understand that your book
The Love Machine is about a man
who makes love
all the time right?
- Yeah.
- Where can I get one?
- Oh, a copy of the book?
- (laughs) No, you silly goose.
A man who makes
love all the time, get it?
(laughter)
Sorry, Bill.
- Allen, do you remember
Erich von Stroheim?
- Erich von Stroheim?
Who's he?
- Well he was a little
bit like Otto Preminger
except he didn't have
Otto's pixie qualities.
- Oh Otto's a
real pixie isn't he?
(laughter)
- Oh Roger, Roger,
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger!
I love that name.
(laughter)
Roger Roger Roger!
You know what, you're one of
the nicest saints I've ever met.
You know what, you could sit
on my dashboard any ol' time.
- Don't you be bashful, Jo Anne,
you just come right out with it.
(laughter)
- Let's (mumbles).
- Why can't your
insurance company pay us?
We are the beneficiary
of Uncle Charlie's
life insurance policy aren't we?
- Well when your uncle
Charlie was passing
on, you shouldn't
have had him frozen.
- Well what about
his health insurance?
Can we collect on that?
- Is he under a doctor's care?
- Well no, but twice a week the
plumber comes to
check his cooling coil.
(laughter)
- But it's not quite
the same thing.
Wait, now he's
obviously not working.
- No.
- Well then, if you
don't mind standing
him in line once a week
on Tuesday afternoon,
maybe you can get him
on unemployment insurance.
(laughter)
- You could make it on
Tuesday couldn't you?
- I could, mmmhm.
- That's bowling for me.
- I think I contacted
your husband!
(Henry's voice) Hello, Martha!
- Oh Henry, it's you!
What it's like where you are?
What do you do?
- Oh we get up in the morning,
have a light meal,
and make whoopee!
Eat another light meal
and make whoopee!
All afternoon!
We sleep a lot and
then we make whoopee!
- You mean that's
what it's like in Heaven?
- Who said anything
about Heaven?
I'm at an Odd Fellow's
convention in Cleveland.
(laughter)
- We once had dreams of
being in Cleveland, Ohio.
But the river burnt up
before we got there.
- Well serve you
right, you Ying Yang.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You were driving pretty wild.
Step out of that car.
- Okay, okay okay.
- Gonna have to ask you to blow
up this balloon so I can check
the alcohol content
of your blood.
- I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
- You're afraid you
couldn't do that?
Why not?
- Because I got
a collapsed lung.
- Oh.
Well I'm gonna have
to take a blood sample.
- I'm afraid I can't
do that either.
- Why not?
- I suffer from hemophilia,
one jab and I'll bleed to death.
- Well in that
case I'm gonna ask
you to walk this straight line.
- I'm afraid I can't
do that either.
- Why not?
- Because I'm dead drunk.
(laughter)
- Let's bring back the fan.
It was marvelous
for keeping cool
on hot days and it could also be
used to express a lady's mood.
Bored.
(yawns)
Agitated.
Coquettish.
Bashful.
And also a fan was a sure
way to catch a young man's eye.
And every lady knows one should
always carry two
fans, if ever a lady is
accosted on the street
by an evil stranger,
she merely takes
her fans and flies off.
(laughter)
- Well what do you think of
beautiful downtown
Burbank, Romy?
- Well two out
of three ain't bad.
(laughter)
- Unhappily, I'm in no
position to disagree with you.
- How about that, you're
in for the same reason I am.
(laughing)
Oh listen, what
was your sentence?
- (laughs) Hello, big boy!
- That's the same one I used!
(laughter)
Hello, big boy!
- Whoopee!
- Whoopee!
- You rang?
- [Operator] Number please.
Number please.
(upbeat trumpet music)
(operator laughing)
(gagging) (phone cracks)
- Hey pops, how
about laying some
bread on me for
a little freak out?
- What do you think
this is, why when
I was your age I
stood on street corners
selling apples just
to earn my money!
- Groovy, wanna buy an apple?
- No I don't wanna buy an apple!
- Mom's right,
you're cheap, cheap.
(laughter)
- That's right, that
couldn't be you doing that.
I mean someone
just gave me a gotcha!
- [Stock Woman] Where?
- On my shoulder.
(trumpet stinger)
- Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh In's going to take
an in-depth look at truth.
- I had an in-depth
look at Ruth last night.
- Not Ruth, you ding
dong, I said truth!
Something we could
all use a little more of.
- That's Ruth!
(laughter)
- Let me ask you
something, you're so
smart-alecky, have
you ever told a lie?
- No, never.
- Not how can you
stand there with
your bare face
hanging out and telling
me you've never told
a lie in your whole life?
- Easy, I'm a liar.
(laughter)
Not a lifer, a liar.
- All right, well you can
make light at it if you want.
- Well okay, then
I'll tell the truth.
You might as well know that my
name is really not Dick Martin.
- What is it?
- It's Martin Landau.
- Come on, I don't believe that.
- That's funny, neither
did Barbara Bain.
(laughter)
I had her pretty
well talked into it.
- All right, now
look, anybody knows
you gotta be honest if you wanna
get along with your fellow man.
- Well you gotta be a
little dishonest if you
wanna get anywhere with
your fellow woman though.
(laughter)
- Before we completely
lose sight of the subject,
here's Laugh In's
salute to the truth.
(swinging orchestral music)
Arte Henry What
do you say Nothing
I just got a deal for
you, I found it today
Yeah
A great artistic treasure
that came right off the trucks
A real Picasso
painting, only 98 bucks
- A genuine Picasso
for only 98 bucks?
You gotta be kidding!
Would I lie to you,
really lie to you
Would I ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Raquel Welch is
giving you her home address
Yes, buddy, would I
lie to you Alan Fellas
How do you do
Have we got a bargain
that is perfect for you
When you see
this car we're selling
You'll be all smiles
Eight years old and
only driven 3,000 miles
- Aw come on, don't give me
that same ol' song and dance!
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Reagan told the students
they could have their say
Yes, buddy would
we lie to you Byron
Fellas Isn't this grand
We've been looking night
and day to sell you some land
There's lots of
room for kids to play
And doggies to romp
And several people think
there's even oil in the swamp
- Oh man, you got
to be off or crazy!
I don't wanna buy no swamp land!
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Liz informing Richard
that her ring is glass
Like most marijuana
served is really grass
Like someone saying
Hee Haw had a lot of class
Yes buddy, would we lie to you
Scout's honor Buddy
would we lie to you
Like Milhouse Buddy
would we lie to you
(applause)
(boat horn blows)
- Now there's nothing to worry
about, ladies and gentlemen.
We struck an
iceberg, but we should
reach port safely
in about eight hours.
The captain says please don't
worry, the ship is unsinkable.
Right Captain?
- Well not exactly, as a matter
of fact we're
sinking like a rock!
I figure in about 20
minutes it'll be shark city!
- But Captain, you said that...
- Okay, so I lied.
- Aha!
(trumpet stinger)
- When I was a
little boy my... Oh.
(laughter)
When I was a
little girl, my father
told me never tell a lie
or a big boogeyman would
swoop out of the sky
and gobble me up.
(laughter)
- My dear, it's been lovely
meeting you here in Las Vegas.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm gonna put all this money,
if we win, it's all yours.
I'm gonna put the
next bet on your age.
- Sir, if you win the
payoff will be $25,000.
- There you go,
what is your age?
- 22.
- 22.
- 22.
The winner is 47.
(laughter)
- Nah, no need to
worry yourself, little lady!
Why this territory is as
safe as your own kitchen.
Why there are no
Indians around here!
All right, so I lied.
- Aha!
- It might have been Robin Hood.
(laughter)
Like Gore Vidal has
given up the social world
Like comics stealing all
their jokes from Milton Berle
Like Jackie telling
(mumbles) she's a simple girl
Well buddy, would we lie to you
- I can say that
earlier this evening you
heard Mr. Wassboard
and his wife quarreling.
Quarreling about another woman.
- Yes sir.
- That's a lie!
We didn't quarrel!
I loved my wife, there
was no other woman.
- That's a dirty lie, you've
been seeing my wife!
- Oh that's a dirty rotten lie,
the truth is it was him
and Mrs. Wassboard!
- That's a crummy, dirty lie,
what would I wanna see her for?
She's a woman over 40!
- 40?
That's a dirty, rotten,
crummy, lousy lie!
(trumpet stinger)
- As a member of
the congress, I'm quite
willing to disclose
my net financial worth,
but it's none of your
business where it came from.
- All right, Agent 85.
We know you are an American spy.
Tell us the plans
for the X-15 rocket!
(chuckles)
- You'll never get me to talk.
(mocking laughter)
- That's what you think.
That coffee
contained truth serum.
It should be taking
effect any moment now.
From now on, everything
you say will be the truth.
Now talk!
Talk!
Talk!
- You want me to tell the truth?
- Yes!
- Your breath is terrible.
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
- Alice and I decided
to tell each other
the truth, so I
told her she wasn't
as young looking
as she used to be.
The old bat had the gall
to tell me I was overweight!
- But darling, when
you proposed to me
you said you came
from a very wealthy family
and you said you had
a big, marvelous house
with a pool and
servants and everything
I could possibly want, darling!
You said we'd live in
the lap of luxury, darling!
- Okay, so I lied!
(laughter)
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
- Thus in concluding
this lecture we have
established that
truth depends upon
one's sensory
interpretation of it.
I cannot say there
is a chair over there
for this is merely
a visual impression
without which there
would be no chair there.
Thus the natural objectivity.
There is no chair
there, thank you.
(laughter)
While I'm here,
in all conscience,
I must discuss the
position of the floor.
Like doctors saying
cigarettes are good for you
Like Nixon saying all the
trouble's nearly through
We're bringing all the
troops home in a day or two
Buddy would we
lie to you (applause)
- Well that's about it for
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
- Before we go, I'd
like to say a word.
- What word is it?
- Keano.
No, that's not the word.
(laughter)
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
I'd just like to say
that everyone should
be thankful that
we have the police.
Their job isn't easy,
so try to cooperate
with the police and
they'll appreciate it.
- Well that's very
nice, I didn't realize you
were so interested in
the feelings of the police.
- Well neither did
I until I found out
I have to be in
traffic court tomorrow.
- I see, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick and goodnight
Officer Barbaro
wherever you are.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- Henry, winter is definitely
not my favorite season.
- Well many are cold,
but few are frozen.
- Phyllis!
- [Phyllis] Hey, what?
- Hi!
How do you straighten
out a dented fender?
- Well I would just
take it aside and
have a heart to heart
talk with it, okay?
- [Goldie] Okay! (laughter)
- Jeremy, you
Englishman you (mumbles)
(laughs), what lies,
oh I broke my door.
I broke it.
(laughter)
What lies shivering in
the bottom of the ocean?
- A nervous wreck.
(laughter)
- Arte!
- Yes?
- Arte, why do elephants
paint their toenails red?
- Aha!
SO they can hide
undetected without
being seen incognito secretly.
In cherry trees.
- I have to say, Ruth!
- Yeah?
- How do you make a meatloaf?
- I don't know.
- By keep it from working!
There's a joke
in there, I know it!
(laughter)
- My brother-in-law believes in
the truth will set you free.
He told his wife the
truth and she set him free.
- Truth is beauty, but
if that's not enough try
a hairpiece, false
eyelashes, and a padded bra!
(laughter)
- I call my boyfriend
the Midnight Cowboy.
'Cause it... (laughter)
- Boy he got her good!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
- I'm getting bored over here!
- Henry, it's not
your turn, it's my turn!
- I'm the Midnight Cowboy!
- Chisel, chisel!
(performers bickering)
- Ask me why I said chisel, Dan!
- All right, would you let
Jo Anne say something?
- It's my turn, they're having
fun and it's my
turn to do the joke!
Chisel!
- Well why did you say chisel?
- Because I was trying
to get a word in edgewise.
(laughter)
- During my whole date
last night, my fella slept.
- You know what?
That's what my
boyfriend does a lot too!
- Does he?
I said the wrong joke.
- What happens if
you hit... (laughter)
- [Dick] Ride 'em, cowboy!
- Now that is very int...
Ow, why don't they
make these doors wider?
(cartoony spring)
(laughter)
(glass shatters)
(swinging sax music)
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
earlier to be seen later.
Letters to Laugh In is
pre-recorded later to be
seen earlier each Monday
through Friday on NBC.
It's a smash hit, and if you
don't believe me, ask my wife.
- Very interesting that
(mumbles) is an all American cutie.
(laughs) He's always
getting in a few dozen
thousand words about
that Letters to Laugh Up!
(laughs) And talking
about all American
cuties, there's
none like you, Lucy.
Goodnight, Lipschein.
And remember, Lucy,
Letters to Lap Up...
(chuckling)
Is on in the afternoon, so it's
all right for you
to look onto it.
Drag Gary by the ears,
make him watch too.
Letters to Laugh Up!
What a stupid name!
(laughter)
(clapping)
following program is
brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- I'm Roger Moore,
I'm know as the saint.
- I'm Dick Martin, I'm
known as the sinner.
- I would like to tell
you a Laugh In fable.
A muskrat once said to a horse
why do you work
for a man, leave your
miserable stable
and come with me
to a carefree
life in the forest.
Nothing happened however because
horses don't
understand muskrats.
(laughter)
Clown it up, have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh, try a fall
Make a face, ring the bell
Do a shtick, try a
trick, really sell, sell, sell
Wash your eyes, take a chance
If the crowd isn't
loud, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you wanna fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
- [Natalie] Hey Henry!
- Yes, Natalie?
- Why is an M-16 rifle
like the boss's son?
- Well 'cause it won't
work and you can't fire it.
(laughter)
- Woo, my maid has
a couple of martinis
while she makes
the bed, all morning
it's nip and tuck, nip and tuck!
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes?
- Did you ever read 20,000
Leagues Under the Sea?
- I tried, but the
pages were soggy.
(laughter)
- Oh Phyllis Diller, our guest
star, give us a hug, honey!
Listen, did you hear that the
police arrested the
cast of Oh Calcutta?
- Oh don't worry
about it, Jo Anne,
they'll probably
just grin and bare it.
(laughter)
- Natalie.
- What?
- Are you in favor of busing
children to different schools?
- Oh no, I think they should go
to the same school every day.
(laughter)
- Hey Teresa!
Teresa!
Look who's behind me.
I think I like it,
I just went to a
Chinese restaurant
that had a French chef.
- Oh, what did you
have for dinner?
- A moo goo gai (mumbles).
(laughter)
- Say, (mumbles), I don't read
those tasteless girly magazines,
I just look on the pictures.
- What if you ain't
got no pictures?
- Well (mumbles) gives me
one every once in a while.
(laughter)
- Hello, Henry.
- Hello, Dan.
Tell me, Dan.
- Yes, Henry?
- What do you get if you
cross ABC with a pair of nylons?
- Stockings that run,
but only for 13 weeks.
(laughter)
- Jeremy!
- Yes, Phyllis?
- Do you have
any idea why a girl
would wanna wear a
see through blouse?
- No, but it's
worth looking into.
(laughter)
- Hey Phyl!
- Hi, have you
ever traveled third
class on the Burbank Airline?
- I'd rather walk!
- Ha, that's third class.
(laughter)
- Hey, why are the
Paris Peace Talks
like a foggy day
in a nudist colony?
- Ruth, that's so easy to say,
but the answer is
there's no end in sight!
(laughter)
- Hey Phyllis, I just heard that
Spiro Agnew's
gonna run again in '72.
- Spiro Agnew?
- Yeah.
- Oh I hope this
time they catch him.
(laughter)
Cross your eyes, make a face
If the group is a
poop, show your place
If your world's a
world of laughter
Be it hip or hep or hop
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
(applause)
- From the
hoof-in-mouth room of the
beautiful downtown
Burbank horseshoe factory,
NBC lets it all
hang out and sends
you Rowan and Martin's Laugh In!
Starring the
unbreakable Dan Rowan
and the recently
repaired Dick Martin.
- Dick Martin is a cutie.
He reminds me of
my cousin Siggismunt.
When they repaired
him, they left
out some very interesting parts.
(laughter)
- [Gary] Tonight's very
special goodie, Phyllis Diller!
And this regular
batch of cuckoos,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan Sues, and the
incomparable shriek
of Jo Anne Worley!
Tonight, the fearsome foursome
will be played by Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, Byron Gilliam,
and yours truly Gary
Owens, known to the
underworld as Morgul
the Friendly Drelb.
But before you settle
down completely,
here's warm word from NBC.
If he kissed you once,
will he kiss you again?
(laughter)
- And now for all of you at home
on the range, he's
a discouraging word.
(register dings)
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
(speaking French)
- Imagine what he would've
done to Schleswig-Holstein.
(laughter)
Malcolm, your French makes my
English sound like
a choir of angels.
- All right folk, I'd
like to introduce
Fang's second most favorite
team, Rowan and Martin.
Fang's favorite team
is bourbon and water.
After enough of the first,
the second looks pretty good.
(laughter)
So here's Dan
Bourbon and Dick Water!
(laughter and applause)
- Thank you, thank you,
it's like a Broadway opening!
- Yes, you've really got...
- Accolade, no flowers, please!
(laughter)
- Thank you for that
lovely introduction.
- You sure know how to make a
fella feel at home
on his own show.
- Hey Dick, what
are you doing up?
- Am I in town?
(laughter)
- Phyllis, I'd just like
to tell you what
a great pleasure
it is to have you
with us on the show.
- Aww.
- I was about to
say the same thing.
- Well that's very
sweet of you boys.
- Yeah, we feel that
you add so much
to this little jocosity
on Monday night.
- Oh jocosity, wonderful.
(laughter)
- I was about to say
almost the same thing.
- You were gonna say that.
- Yes, you add a
certain sense of beauty.
(chuckles)
- I wasn't gonna say a word.
- Well I'm certainly flattered.
As you know fellas,
I've already asked
the producer of
my program to have
you on my show
next week in return.
- But Phyllis, I understood
your show was cancelled.
- I wouldn't have you on
my show any other way.
(laughter)
- It's all your
fault, speaking of
gotchas, here come the quickies.
(bell dings)
- Oh hi, can I help
you handsome?
(monkey noises)
I've heard all about you
weightlifters, you're nothing!
We can't all be Fay
Wray for Heaven sakes.
(laughter)
(drum roll)
- Oh Dan, I'm nervous, are
you sure nothing can happen?
- Now believe me,
Miss Raskin, this is
a great gimmick,
we gotta sell carrots
and what better way than to go
door to door with a real carrot?
- Yeah, I guess so, but
I'm still not sure about this.
- Listen, will you
relax, the people take
one look at you,
they'll think carrots,
they'll eat it up,
now go get them.
- Okay.
- Oh say, won't you come in?
We're just in time for dinner.
(laughter)
- Stand by for a gale warning.
- Gail, get out of town.
The wife's onto us.
(laughter)
(cartoony spring)
(lion roars)
(laughter)
- Mr. Aubrey?
Oh congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Strongbird?
Congratulations.
Mr. Grabowski?
- Hike!
(laughter)
(drum roll)
(laughter)
That old black magic
- You little black beauty you.
(laughter)
- M-R-C.
- Very good, now that
eye, read the second line.
R-T-V-P-M-S.
- Very good, Mrs. Picasso.
Now the other eye.
- A-B-C. (laughter)
(church bell rings)
- You rang, sir?
(cartoony spring)
- Professor Brazil,
you have finally
found the traces of
a dead civilization.
How did they ever live in
this dreadfully hot climate?
- Apparently, Miss
Fiddlemont, by using a
mystical chant to
invoke the rain gods.
(singing foreign chant)
- Well now wait
a minute, did that
bring rain, that brought rain?
- No, but it felt
good, didn't it?
(laughter)
(singing foreign chant)
- Pst.
- Hmm?
- So much for the
quickies this evening.
- Here Rover, come on boy!
Here Rover!
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for my
uncle Willard's dog.
Come on boy!
Come on!
- Your uncle Willard's dog,
of course the
dog's invisible too.
- That's funny, so is Rover.
Come on boy.
- (Mumbles) as
invisible dog Rover and
the dog's disappeared,
that's what you're doing.
- It's too bad too, the little
fella is five years old today.
- Oh really?
When did he disappear?
- Five years ago today.
(laughter)
- Isn't that a kinky coinkidink?
- No, this is a coinkidink.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi, kids!
How are you, kids?
How are all you little beauties?
This is Uncle Al,
the kiddies' pal,
hello little friends, hello!
Uncle Al really feels
wonderful today,
he didn't have any
medicine last night.
Isn't that good?
- [Melissa] How
are you, Uncle Al?
- I'm just wonderful and I'm not
seeing anymore of
Miss Twinkle either.
Now today what
we're gonna do is...
- [Melissa] What's
that, Uncle Al?
- What honey?
- [Melissa] I Said what's
that in your hands, Uncle Al?
- It's Cathy clay!
(cheering)
And we're gonna make
her very soft today!
(laughter)
Melissa, I told you not...
(gasps) this was Uncle Al!
(mumbles)!
Goodbye, sweetie!
- [Roger] (mumbles), Uncle Al!
- You're not so
hot either, Roger!
(laughter)
- If that (mumbles)
Uncle Al had been
in my battalion, we would
have won hands down.
Or was it fritz down
and hands up?
(laughter)
(military trumpet call)
- All right America,
shape up or ship out.
General Bullrite here.
Tonight's message brought to you
by the makers of pup tents.
Be it ever so humble,
it's no place like home.
(laughter)
Now I wanna talk man to man with
you mothers and
fathers out there tonight.
About my summer
boot camp for boys.
Don't let your kids fritter away
their summers on
vacations and reading.
Some kids go to summer school!
Hogwash!
Get their little
noses out of them
books and into Camp Bullrite!
They'll do something
useful down there.
Out of the barracks
at dawn, 20 mile hike,
(mumbles) close ordered drill,
hand-to-hand fighting,
night maneuvers,
we make 'em or break 'em.
Of course it isn't all fun.
Pull a little (mumbles)
guard duty down there.
Then we all sit around
the old campfire.
I read those little troopers
from my own book.
Child Garden of
War Stories, they'll
love every minute of it.
Send today for your
son's application,
security clearance,
and I guess that's
about (mumbles),
that's about it for tonight.
Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
Don't forget, support
my campaign.
Let's stamp out peace toys.
(laughter) (military
music stinger)
(wacky xylophone music)
- Son, look at yourself, you're
still dressing like a
teenager, talking like
a teenager, behaving
like a teenager.
How old are you anyway?
- Well let's see, how long have
you and mom been married now?
- I'll ask the questions
you little beauty!
(laughter)
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I'm pleased to finally meet you.
- Oh yeah, well you
know that idiot had
me in here backwards
for the last two weeks.
(laughter)
(loud car crash)
- Now that was very interesting
and they played
my favorite song.
(trumpet stinger)
- Bullfellas!
(glass shattering)
- Will you look at this place,
your clothes all over,
your records on the floor.
The place is a
mess, it's disgusting!
I'm sick of it!
- I'm sick of it too, dad.
When are we gonna move?
- (mumbles), pack his clothes!
- Can you at least
help me find my teddy?
I'm a Burbank ballerina
with the Burbank Ballet
And now for our (mumbles),
kindly walk this way
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope (mumbles)
Oh yeah We just love
to give you our views
La da de da
Ladies and gents,
laugh 'em up in our news
Here's Dan (applause)
- And now with the
news of the present,
he's the man whom
the news wouldn't be
the news without
the news, here's...
- Excuse me.
- Here's (mumbles)!
(applause) (snazzy jazz music)
- That may be the only time
we'll ever see Goldie on point.
(laughter)
AT&T today announced
favorable reaction
to their new television
phones which
enable callers
to see each other.
The only dissatisfaction
was voiced
by a Miss Phyllis
Diller who complained
people always call me
when I'm in the shower.
(laughter)
- What's worse,
they never call back.
- A followup to a news story was
made today by
photographer Mel Finkelstein
who recently was
thrown end over end by
Mrs. Jacqueline Onassis
outside a movie theater.
The puzzled Mr. Finkelstein said
funny, she didn't look judo-ish.
(laughter)
Take it away, Goldie.
- Here with the news of
the future is Goof Rowan.
- Goldie, that's Dan.
- Okay with me if you wanna be
known as Dan Goof,
go ahead and goof.
(laughter)
- Washington DC
20 years from now,
President-Elect Billy
Wilder, the Nudist Party
candidate said
today his first act
in office would be to change the
inauguration date
from January to July.
He said as things
stand now, a man
could wind up with a
frostbitten inaugural.
(laughter)
Thule Greenland, 1990.
Although topless
dancing has finally
arrived here high
above the arctic circle,
John Mukluk who is
the owner of Mukluk's
Good Luck Topless
Igloo said today
none of my girls
has been arrested for
indecent exposure,
so far the police think
the girls are just wearing
tight blue sweaters.
(laughter)
- Sounded like you
goofed to me, Dan!
- I did.
- Hi, we're here
today out front of
City Hall where a
group of civil service
workers have gone out on strike.
Sir, excuse me sir, how do you
explain this strike
by civil service
employees despite the fact that
it happens to be
against the law?
- Well in this case we
feel that the law is wrong.
- I see, but what if the
government refuses to negotiate?
- Well they have to
negotiate, it is the law.
- Is there anything
else you'd like to add?
- Yes, we'd like to
thank the silent majority
for keeping their
noses out of this thing.
(laughter)
- And now Laugh In
saddles up and goes
galloping back to Coventry
England and Lady Godiva!
- Lady Godiva, is
it true that you rode
through the middle
of town on a horse
without a stitch of clothing on?
- Yup, you should've
seen those peasants gape.
You'd think they'd never
seen a naked horse before.
(laughter)
- How do you spell horse?
- W... La da de da!
Ladies and gents,
(mumbles) at the news
(applause)
- Very interesting,
but why don't
they ever do a
shaddish or a bourbon?
(chuckles) Shaddish, bourbon?
I'll go back to my tank.
- I'm Roger Moore, I
play the part of the saint.
- So did Saint Christopher
until they cut him loose.
(laughter)
(glass shatters)
- Look at you, you bum,
why don't you get a haircut?
- Man, I don't have any bread.
- Why don't you get a job?
- With this haircut?
Who'd hire me?
- You'll drive me to my grave!
- I'll get the car.
(laughter)
- Sure, and all I said
was thee too, buddy!
(laughter)
(whistling)
- Poems Are Shorter
Than Commercials.
By Henry Gibson.
Poems are shorter
than commercials
because there ain't
no money in them.
(laughter)
- Miss Suzanne,
is it true that all the
characters in your books
are based on real people?
- Yes Allen, that's true.
- I guess there's no
doubt about it then.
I'm the love machine.
- Well looks to me like
you need a body job.
- Boy, if you wanna
read some dirty books,
just come over to my
house, it's been so long
since I've dusted the
shelves, even Heidi is filthy!
(laughter)
- Hi to all you department
store Santa Clauses everywhere!
I love you and I love the
way you ring your chimes!
(giggles) Joyous noel!
(laughter)
Thanks for the memories
(upbeat trumpet music)
(slide whistle)
- I've had it, no more
hanging around the house!
Now get out and get a job!
- What's the matter
dad, did you lose yours?
- Smart Aleck!
- Generation gap.
(laughter)
- Oh no, here comes
that handball freak again!
(trumpet stinger)
- Fellas, I want both of you to
come over to the
house on Thursday
because Fang is just
dying to meet you both.
- Well I'd love to.
- Hey, I'll be there.
- And the people down the street
are especially anxious
to meet you, Dan.
- Well that's very flattering.
- And Dick, I have a cousin
who's in from Des Moines
and she's crazy out of
her mind to meet you.
- Oh well that's
just fine, we'll
see you on Thursday then, huh?
- Sure.
- Oh no no no, I won't be
there, see, I've already met you.
(laughter)
- Well speaking of gotchas.
- Hey I don't wanna wait 'till
Thursday, let's go
to the party now.
- You're right,
you're all invited.
(applause)
Come on Phyllis,
you're invited too.
- Oh.
(swinging jazz music)
All my new hair pieces
are driving Fang to drink.
Every time I flip my
wig he popa his cork.
(laughter)
- My daughter-in-law
is such a sneak.
Yesterday, behind
my back, she changed
the lock on her diary.
(laughter)
- Some of my flock
come to church
Sunday mornings,
others prefer to sleep.
Unfortunately most
of them do both.
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes?
- Are you a fatalist?
- No, I figure Dan
that I say if a thing
is going to happen, it's gonna
happen and there's
nothing you can do.
- That's what you say?
(laughter)
- You know girls
today are really strange,
we walk around all the
time wearing practically
nothing in front of
guys and then for
a change we go home
and tease our hair.
(laughter)
- Mr. Roman, you've got to be
more careful, you look sloppy.
- Yeah, well I
would like to look
as well as you do,
you know that in
America we have an
unemployment problem,
is it the same thing
in your country?
- Well in old country
is no (mumbles)
for unemployment
problem, everybody works.
Or else.
(laughter)
- I'm just furious, a
year ago I painted
the battleship New Jersey
on my favorite model,
now the ship's been
decommissioned,
I had to put her
chest in mothballs.
(laughter)
- Jeremy.
- Oh Dan, yes.
- Hate to bother you,
but I wanted to ask you,
in England isn't
is true you have
a country of Sussex
and a county of Essex,
don't you also have a
county of Middlesex?
- Yes, but they
don't bother anybody.
(laughter)
- Boris' wife and I have
something in common.
We're both thinking
of leaving him.
(laughter)
- How would you like to
make a movie with me?
- Oh I'd love to!
Do you have any
influence with the studio?
- No, but I've got my own
self-operating camera.
(laughter)
- My boyfriend is so sweet!
I thought he loved me because I
wore miniskirts and
see through blouses,
but he said he'd love me just as
much if I didn't
wear them at all!
(laughter)
- I think it's
deplorable that movies
with so much sex are so popular.
I mean how do
they expect a person
my age to stand in line so long?
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheery ragtime
music) (loud cranking)
(laughter)
Now I'd like to introduce my
interpretive dancing class,
now this is Irving, a plumber.
- How do you do?
- Imagine that, who
is going to shed his
chrysalis and become
a beautiful butterfly.
And now this is Cynthia, who
is going to become a daisy.
And for Irving to sit on
as a butterfly of course.
Now open your petals, my dear.
Ah, the ladies are petaled.
And this is Bruce.
Oh my dear, you will
be an autumn leaf, got it?
Autumn leaf and he's
going to (mumbles).
And Mr. Brigby, my new member,
oh Mr. Brigby we're
so happy to have you
in our class, interpretive
dancing, you know.
And now what
would you like to be?
Would you like
to be a butterfly?
- No.
- Would you like to be the wind?
- I don't wanna be the wind.
- Would you like to
be a pussy willow?
- No.
- Would you like to be a daisy?
- No.
- What would you like to be?
- Eh.
- Nothing?
Oh I'll be the wind
while you decide.
- You're all bananas.
- Confound it now,
what's going on here?
Hey!
Hey, fruitcake!
What's going on here?
- What fruitcake?
- You!
- We are shedding
our inhibitions.
Oh God, we're shedding darling,
how would you like
to be something?
You wanna be a butterfly?
(laughs) You could
be an autumn leaf.
- [Roger] Better throw
a net over that one.
- I'll tell you
what, I don't care
what it is, I wanna
be something!
- Why don't you be
a sycamore seed?
- Sycamore seed?
Why not?
- That's ridiculous!
- Get it from the wind,
that's it, I will blow you away!
- Am I going the right
way for a sycamore seed?
- You're lovely, wonderful!
- Hey lady fruitcake, I decided
what I wanna be is a cop!
- What do you wanna be?
- A cop, you're
all under arrest!
Get outta here!
- I was a... (laughter)
The University of
Burbank is getting
a lot out of my book
The Love Machine.
The English department
is trying to read it and
the engineering department
is trying to build it.
(laughter)
- I was gonna play the
lead in a nudie movie
'till I found out it was called
I Am Curious, Wrinkled.
(laughter)
- I normally do my
own stunts unless
they're extremely
hazardous to my career.
That's why I should've hired
a stand-in to do this show.
(laughter)
(upbeat trumpet music)
- What is this,
look at this place,
every time I come in
the front door you're
laying around here
with your weirdo friends.
I don't know what to do.
- Well I know what you mean dad,
why don't you try
coming in the back door?
(laughter)
I mean (mumbles).
- You know, he said
every time I came
over a cow died,
right, and I said it
was anthrax and he
said it was witchcraft!
Wicked witchcraft!
(horn honks)
(laughter)
(chomping)
(cheering)
(bell rings)
- Chrysalis.
- There goes old (mumbles).
(laughter)
Even his English makes my accent
sound like a band of angels.
(chuckles)
Why don't they send him
back where they came from?
(laughter)
- My name is Romy Schneider.
- That's funny, so is mine.
- Now just a minute,
your mother and
I think that you've been seeing
entirely too much of
that Beagleman girl.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell her
to start wearing more clothes.
- That just may do it.
- Ugh, my girdle is killing me!
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
- Time once again!
(laughter)
Time once again for the Flying
Fickle Finger of
Fate Award (laughter)
- I'm afraid not, not tonight.
- No Fickle Finger?
Has the world suddenly gone mad?
- No, it's gone
good, good enough
for some of us to say something
about somebody
who did a good thing.
- Do tell.
- I intend to.
You know, in one
way or another we're all
victims of the system at
the mercy of bureaucracy.
- We are?
Well then we won't need this.
- That's true enough.
- Once in a while
somebody strikes
a blow, fights back, and wins.
- Well it's about time.
- So we institute
tonight our award
for the wonderful
world of whoopee.
- (laughs) How do you like that?
I got an A in Shop.
- That's a little beauty there.
- Thank you.
- A whoopee for
the little man who
manages to outfight or
outfox the bureaucracy.
- And who do we
whoop it up for tonight?
- Well for the first time in our
old tradition, Mr. Roger Staples
of Ann Arbor, Michigan who found
a way to stop junk
mail at his house.
- He got himself
an unlisted mailbox.
- No.
- A dog that bites postmen?
- Better than that,
according to law,
the recipient is the sole judge
of the obscenity of
any advertisement.
- I am?
- Everybody is.
Now Mr. Staples
decided that circular
showing beds,
sheets, pillows, girdles,
and intimate feminine articles,
you wouldn't know
about that, all those
things were obscene and he sent
them back to the post office.
- And the post office department
agreed with him, right?
- Right, their legal
counsel said quote
"most people gripe
about junk mail,
"but under the law
they can declare
"that any ad that
looks sexy to them,
"and if they do, the post
office is obliged to act."
- Well then Mr. Staples,
for showing us
a first class way to
stop third class mail,
he's a first class whoopee.
- And Americans,
if you're tired of all
that junk mail, just
send it back to the
post office and tell
them you think it's dirty.
Then stand back and yell
whoopee for ol' Roger Staples
up there in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
(laughter)
- Whoopee!
- Whoopee!
(cheering)
- Hi, Jacqueline.
- Hi.
- I understand that your book
The Love Machine is about a man
who makes love
all the time right?
- Yeah.
- Where can I get one?
- Oh, a copy of the book?
- (laughs) No, you silly goose.
A man who makes
love all the time, get it?
(laughter)
Sorry, Bill.
- Allen, do you remember
Erich von Stroheim?
- Erich von Stroheim?
Who's he?
- Well he was a little
bit like Otto Preminger
except he didn't have
Otto's pixie qualities.
- Oh Otto's a
real pixie isn't he?
(laughter)
- Oh Roger, Roger,
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger!
I love that name.
(laughter)
Roger Roger Roger!
You know what, you're one of
the nicest saints I've ever met.
You know what, you could sit
on my dashboard any ol' time.
- Don't you be bashful, Jo Anne,
you just come right out with it.
(laughter)
- Let's (mumbles).
- Why can't your
insurance company pay us?
We are the beneficiary
of Uncle Charlie's
life insurance policy aren't we?
- Well when your uncle
Charlie was passing
on, you shouldn't
have had him frozen.
- Well what about
his health insurance?
Can we collect on that?
- Is he under a doctor's care?
- Well no, but twice a week the
plumber comes to
check his cooling coil.
(laughter)
- But it's not quite
the same thing.
Wait, now he's
obviously not working.
- No.
- Well then, if you
don't mind standing
him in line once a week
on Tuesday afternoon,
maybe you can get him
on unemployment insurance.
(laughter)
- You could make it on
Tuesday couldn't you?
- I could, mmmhm.
- That's bowling for me.
- I think I contacted
your husband!
(Henry's voice) Hello, Martha!
- Oh Henry, it's you!
What it's like where you are?
What do you do?
- Oh we get up in the morning,
have a light meal,
and make whoopee!
Eat another light meal
and make whoopee!
All afternoon!
We sleep a lot and
then we make whoopee!
- You mean that's
what it's like in Heaven?
- Who said anything
about Heaven?
I'm at an Odd Fellow's
convention in Cleveland.
(laughter)
- We once had dreams of
being in Cleveland, Ohio.
But the river burnt up
before we got there.
- Well serve you
right, you Ying Yang.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You were driving pretty wild.
Step out of that car.
- Okay, okay okay.
- Gonna have to ask you to blow
up this balloon so I can check
the alcohol content
of your blood.
- I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
- You're afraid you
couldn't do that?
Why not?
- Because I got
a collapsed lung.
- Oh.
Well I'm gonna have
to take a blood sample.
- I'm afraid I can't
do that either.
- Why not?
- I suffer from hemophilia,
one jab and I'll bleed to death.
- Well in that
case I'm gonna ask
you to walk this straight line.
- I'm afraid I can't
do that either.
- Why not?
- Because I'm dead drunk.
(laughter)
- Let's bring back the fan.
It was marvelous
for keeping cool
on hot days and it could also be
used to express a lady's mood.
Bored.
(yawns)
Agitated.
Coquettish.
Bashful.
And also a fan was a sure
way to catch a young man's eye.
And every lady knows one should
always carry two
fans, if ever a lady is
accosted on the street
by an evil stranger,
she merely takes
her fans and flies off.
(laughter)
- Well what do you think of
beautiful downtown
Burbank, Romy?
- Well two out
of three ain't bad.
(laughter)
- Unhappily, I'm in no
position to disagree with you.
- How about that, you're
in for the same reason I am.
(laughing)
Oh listen, what
was your sentence?
- (laughs) Hello, big boy!
- That's the same one I used!
(laughter)
Hello, big boy!
- Whoopee!
- Whoopee!
- You rang?
- [Operator] Number please.
Number please.
(upbeat trumpet music)
(operator laughing)
(gagging) (phone cracks)
- Hey pops, how
about laying some
bread on me for
a little freak out?
- What do you think
this is, why when
I was your age I
stood on street corners
selling apples just
to earn my money!
- Groovy, wanna buy an apple?
- No I don't wanna buy an apple!
- Mom's right,
you're cheap, cheap.
(laughter)
- That's right, that
couldn't be you doing that.
I mean someone
just gave me a gotcha!
- [Stock Woman] Where?
- On my shoulder.
(trumpet stinger)
- Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
Laugh In's going to take
an in-depth look at truth.
- I had an in-depth
look at Ruth last night.
- Not Ruth, you ding
dong, I said truth!
Something we could
all use a little more of.
- That's Ruth!
(laughter)
- Let me ask you
something, you're so
smart-alecky, have
you ever told a lie?
- No, never.
- Not how can you
stand there with
your bare face
hanging out and telling
me you've never told
a lie in your whole life?
- Easy, I'm a liar.
(laughter)
Not a lifer, a liar.
- All right, well you can
make light at it if you want.
- Well okay, then
I'll tell the truth.
You might as well know that my
name is really not Dick Martin.
- What is it?
- It's Martin Landau.
- Come on, I don't believe that.
- That's funny, neither
did Barbara Bain.
(laughter)
I had her pretty
well talked into it.
- All right, now
look, anybody knows
you gotta be honest if you wanna
get along with your fellow man.
- Well you gotta be a
little dishonest if you
wanna get anywhere with
your fellow woman though.
(laughter)
- Before we completely
lose sight of the subject,
here's Laugh In's
salute to the truth.
(swinging orchestral music)
Arte Henry What
do you say Nothing
I just got a deal for
you, I found it today
Yeah
A great artistic treasure
that came right off the trucks
A real Picasso
painting, only 98 bucks
- A genuine Picasso
for only 98 bucks?
You gotta be kidding!
Would I lie to you,
really lie to you
Would I ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Raquel Welch is
giving you her home address
Yes, buddy, would I
lie to you Alan Fellas
How do you do
Have we got a bargain
that is perfect for you
When you see
this car we're selling
You'll be all smiles
Eight years old and
only driven 3,000 miles
- Aw come on, don't give me
that same ol' song and dance!
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Reagan told the students
they could have their say
Yes, buddy would
we lie to you Byron
Fellas Isn't this grand
We've been looking night
and day to sell you some land
There's lots of
room for kids to play
And doggies to romp
And several people think
there's even oil in the swamp
- Oh man, you got
to be off or crazy!
I don't wanna buy no swamp land!
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
Like Liz informing Richard
that her ring is glass
Like most marijuana
served is really grass
Like someone saying
Hee Haw had a lot of class
Yes buddy, would we lie to you
Scout's honor Buddy
would we lie to you
Like Milhouse Buddy
would we lie to you
(applause)
(boat horn blows)
- Now there's nothing to worry
about, ladies and gentlemen.
We struck an
iceberg, but we should
reach port safely
in about eight hours.
The captain says please don't
worry, the ship is unsinkable.
Right Captain?
- Well not exactly, as a matter
of fact we're
sinking like a rock!
I figure in about 20
minutes it'll be shark city!
- But Captain, you said that...
- Okay, so I lied.
- Aha!
(trumpet stinger)
- When I was a
little boy my... Oh.
(laughter)
When I was a
little girl, my father
told me never tell a lie
or a big boogeyman would
swoop out of the sky
and gobble me up.
(laughter)
- My dear, it's been lovely
meeting you here in Las Vegas.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'm gonna put all this money,
if we win, it's all yours.
I'm gonna put the
next bet on your age.
- Sir, if you win the
payoff will be $25,000.
- There you go,
what is your age?
- 22.
- 22.
- 22.
The winner is 47.
(laughter)
- Nah, no need to
worry yourself, little lady!
Why this territory is as
safe as your own kitchen.
Why there are no
Indians around here!
All right, so I lied.
- Aha!
- It might have been Robin Hood.
(laughter)
Like Gore Vidal has
given up the social world
Like comics stealing all
their jokes from Milton Berle
Like Jackie telling
(mumbles) she's a simple girl
Well buddy, would we lie to you
- I can say that
earlier this evening you
heard Mr. Wassboard
and his wife quarreling.
Quarreling about another woman.
- Yes sir.
- That's a lie!
We didn't quarrel!
I loved my wife, there
was no other woman.
- That's a dirty lie, you've
been seeing my wife!
- Oh that's a dirty rotten lie,
the truth is it was him
and Mrs. Wassboard!
- That's a crummy, dirty lie,
what would I wanna see her for?
She's a woman over 40!
- 40?
That's a dirty, rotten,
crummy, lousy lie!
(trumpet stinger)
- As a member of
the congress, I'm quite
willing to disclose
my net financial worth,
but it's none of your
business where it came from.
- All right, Agent 85.
We know you are an American spy.
Tell us the plans
for the X-15 rocket!
(chuckles)
- You'll never get me to talk.
(mocking laughter)
- That's what you think.
That coffee
contained truth serum.
It should be taking
effect any moment now.
From now on, everything
you say will be the truth.
Now talk!
Talk!
Talk!
- You want me to tell the truth?
- Yes!
- Your breath is terrible.
(laughter)
(trumpet stinger)
- Alice and I decided
to tell each other
the truth, so I
told her she wasn't
as young looking
as she used to be.
The old bat had the gall
to tell me I was overweight!
- But darling, when
you proposed to me
you said you came
from a very wealthy family
and you said you had
a big, marvelous house
with a pool and
servants and everything
I could possibly want, darling!
You said we'd live in
the lap of luxury, darling!
- Okay, so I lied!
(laughter)
Would we lie to
you, really lie to you
Would we ever tell you
anything that wasn't true
- Thus in concluding
this lecture we have
established that
truth depends upon
one's sensory
interpretation of it.
I cannot say there
is a chair over there
for this is merely
a visual impression
without which there
would be no chair there.
Thus the natural objectivity.
There is no chair
there, thank you.
(laughter)
While I'm here,
in all conscience,
I must discuss the
position of the floor.
Like doctors saying
cigarettes are good for you
Like Nixon saying all the
trouble's nearly through
We're bringing all the
troops home in a day or two
Buddy would we
lie to you (applause)
- Well that's about it for
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
- Before we go, I'd
like to say a word.
- What word is it?
- Keano.
No, that's not the word.
(laughter)
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
I'd just like to say
that everyone should
be thankful that
we have the police.
Their job isn't easy,
so try to cooperate
with the police and
they'll appreciate it.
- Well that's very
nice, I didn't realize you
were so interested in
the feelings of the police.
- Well neither did
I until I found out
I have to be in
traffic court tomorrow.
- I see, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight Dick and goodnight
Officer Barbaro
wherever you are.
- Goodnight everybody.
(applause)
- Henry, winter is definitely
not my favorite season.
- Well many are cold,
but few are frozen.
- Phyllis!
- [Phyllis] Hey, what?
- Hi!
How do you straighten
out a dented fender?
- Well I would just
take it aside and
have a heart to heart
talk with it, okay?
- [Goldie] Okay! (laughter)
- Jeremy, you
Englishman you (mumbles)
(laughs), what lies,
oh I broke my door.
I broke it.
(laughter)
What lies shivering in
the bottom of the ocean?
- A nervous wreck.
(laughter)
- Arte!
- Yes?
- Arte, why do elephants
paint their toenails red?
- Aha!
SO they can hide
undetected without
being seen incognito secretly.
In cherry trees.
- I have to say, Ruth!
- Yeah?
- How do you make a meatloaf?
- I don't know.
- By keep it from working!
There's a joke
in there, I know it!
(laughter)
- My brother-in-law believes in
the truth will set you free.
He told his wife the
truth and she set him free.
- Truth is beauty, but
if that's not enough try
a hairpiece, false
eyelashes, and a padded bra!
(laughter)
- I call my boyfriend
the Midnight Cowboy.
'Cause it... (laughter)
- Boy he got her good!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
- I'm getting bored over here!
- Henry, it's not
your turn, it's my turn!
- I'm the Midnight Cowboy!
- Chisel, chisel!
(performers bickering)
- Ask me why I said chisel, Dan!
- All right, would you let
Jo Anne say something?
- It's my turn, they're having
fun and it's my
turn to do the joke!
Chisel!
- Well why did you say chisel?
- Because I was trying
to get a word in edgewise.
(laughter)
- During my whole date
last night, my fella slept.
- You know what?
That's what my
boyfriend does a lot too!
- Does he?
I said the wrong joke.
- What happens if
you hit... (laughter)
- [Dick] Ride 'em, cowboy!
- Now that is very int...
Ow, why don't they
make these doors wider?
(cartoony spring)
(laughter)
(glass shatters)
(swinging sax music)
- The preceding
program was pre-recorded
earlier to be seen later.
Letters to Laugh In is
pre-recorded later to be
seen earlier each Monday
through Friday on NBC.
It's a smash hit, and if you
don't believe me, ask my wife.
- Very interesting that
(mumbles) is an all American cutie.
(laughs) He's always
getting in a few dozen
thousand words about
that Letters to Laugh Up!
(laughs) And talking
about all American
cuties, there's
none like you, Lucy.
Goodnight, Lipschein.
And remember, Lucy,
Letters to Lap Up...
(chuckling)
Is on in the afternoon, so it's
all right for you
to look onto it.
Drag Gary by the ears,
make him watch too.
Letters to Laugh Up!
What a stupid name!
(laughter)
(clapping)