Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 14 - Episode #3.14 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Greer Garson, oh Miss Garson,
whenever I see you I
just go all mushy inside.
Oh, I'm just a a little
fellow, but I'm so fond of you
and you're so kind and
gentle and everything.
Could I have your...
- Look, we've got a
show to get on, so bug off,
little fellow, will you?
(laughter)
- Oh, isn't she marvelous
and to think she took time
out of her busy schedule
just to talk to me.
Goldie told a joke
to Arte Johnson.
- And Arte passed
it onto Alan Sues.
- Alan told Teresa.
- And Teresa told Pam.
- Then Deacon Dan told...
- Groovy Jo Anne.
- Then Jeremy told Greer
and Greer told H-H-Henry.
- Henry said it's
shaggy at the pub.
- He told an oldie.
- Right back to Goldie.
- [All] And everybody
laughed it off.
- I don't get it.
- [All] Everybody
laughed it off.
(audience applause)
- If an apple a day
keeps the doctor away
what do you have to eat to
get him to make a house call?
(laughter)
- Miss Garson, my uncle
came down with a case of hives
so the doctor applied honey.
- Oh Ruth, did it help?
- No, not only does, does,
not only does (laughs)
he still have hives, but now
the bees are living in them.
(lively instrumental music)
- Hey Goldie, does the
high cost of living bother you?
- No, I live on the
ground floor apartment.
(audience laughter)
(lively instrumental music)
- Greer, I understand
that President Nixon
is worried about what steps
to take in Latin America.
- Well, when I was there
the Bassa Nova was very big.
(lively instrumental music)
- I'm supposed to call you.
Anyway, hey Jo Anne.
- [Jo Anne] Yes, Teresa.
- Who were the first
weight watchers?
- Well, actually it was
Lady Godiva's neighbors.
They couldn't wait to watch her.
(lively instrumental music)
- Hey Dan.
- Yes.
- What should they get
when they cross Sophia Loren
with a Polaroid camera?
- I don't know, Arte, what?
- A girl who developed
in 60 seconds.
(laughter)
(lively instrumental music)
- Jo Anne.
- Yes, you again Teresa,
what is it, what is it?
- You know, now that
they're teaching sex education
in schools, I understand
they've changed the three Rs,
to reading, writing,
and reproduction.
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes.
- Hey, you know I
was at a party last week
with Elizabeth Taylor?
- Gee really?
Did you see her better half?
- Yeah, and I saw
Richard Burton there, too.
(lively instrumental music)
- Oh Miss Garson, it's
been so great having you
on the show.
I just adore you.
- Well that's very
sweet of you, Henry.
And now I'll tell you something.
Bug off, little fella.
(laughter)
A giggle had been
company of laughter
And after all we
switch to loving cup
Now try a giggle
A wink and wiggle
And everybody laugh it up, ha ha
Everybody laugh it up
- And now from the
main ballroom of Pastori's
Perfect Poultry Plucking
Palace in beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the I don't care network,
throws another chapter
of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in Doorway, starring
our writing, fast-shooting,
Dan Rowan and his
adorable side saddle mate,
Dick Martin.
Tonight's extra-special
guest, Greer Garson,
known to her close friends
as Miss Greer Garson.
And the usual assortment
of delightful doo-hos,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan
Sues, and petite
little Jo Anne Worley.
Not to mention Teresa
Graves, Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, and others.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
appearing as Marvel
the friendly drone.
Now watch this.
Meet Mrs. Anna
Farkwart, mother of 10.
Mrs. Farkwart, why do
people often mistake you
for your teenage daughter?
- Probably their
eyes ain't too good.
(laughter)
- NBC says if it
feels good, do it.
Evidently this makes
NBC feel good.
So they are going to do it.
- Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you
by all those beautiful
Breck hair products.
If you see a girl
with beautiful hair,
don't get jealous.
It's just that some
girls get all the Brecks.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- And now I would like to...
- Hold it, hold, it
Miss Greer Garson.
I know this is your first
big spot on the show
and I want to help
you get it right.
- Oh, that's very
kind of you, Goldie.
- Good, that's good.
You know I'm glad to do it.
I used to have trouble
with these things
and now it's easy.
- Well, well, I hope
I can handle it.
- Now, now, now,
now just read the words
on the cards there
slowly and clearly, okay?
And don't goof.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, here are Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
- Now don't get upset,
Miss Greer Garson.
Everybody goofs, first time.
(audience applause)
- Back, back, back.
There's got to be
some order here.
- Such unrestrained frivolity.
Hey, I went by your
place yesterday.
The whole front yard is
filled with chrysanthemums
and begonias.
- That's very strange,
I planted flowers.
- Yeah, I didn't know you
were so interested in flowers.
- I beg your pardon.
My new hobby is
landscaping and gardening.
- Oh, well that's different.
You must have a green thumb.
- Well thank you.
You have a nice
curly red mustache.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah you
know what a green thumb is.
It means that when it
comes to growing things
you have a natural proclivity.
- Ah ha, must be the Crest.
- It must be, I guess you're
just a born agronomist.
- Hm?
- Agronomist.
- Well you take that back.
Better than that, in
addition to my natural
proclivity and my horticulture,
I have a Japanese gardener.
Her name is Lotus Blossom.
- Lotus Blossom, you have
a Japanese girl gardener.
- Not only that, she
takes care of my begonias.
And once a week
she prunes my hedge.
- I don't think I
want to hear this.
- Thins my hibiscus
and sprays my aphids.
- Aphids, aphids.
- Make a wonderful
cup of tea, too.
- Does she, with the
aphid spraying makes tea.
Well she sure has done
wonders in your posy patch.
- She ain't bad in
the garden, either.
- I'm overjoyed to hear that.
- She's got the most
gorgeous hibiscus
you've ever laid your eyes on.
- A way that she does.
Hey, what made you decide
on flowers as a hoby, hobby?
- A hoby hobby?
Well my neighbor complained
about my other hobby.
- Which was?
- Spearfishing.
- Spearfishing, why would
your neighbor complain
about you going spearfishing?
- Can't imagine why
unless it was the fact
that I was
spearfishing in his pool.
- That might explain it.
- I did pretty good, too.
I got an air mattress,
two rubber ducks,
and a nine-pound flounder.
- What's a flounder doing there?
- A lot of this.
(audience laughter)
- That looks more like a tuna.
- Teresa, what are
you so upset about?
- Well Goldie, yesterday
Jamie says I should go out
and get a maid, right?
- Right, right.
- Well, I go to the
agency and I tell them
I want to talk about
a job for a maid.
- Well?
- Well, tomorrow
morning at eight o'clock
I'm supposed to report
to the Brillstein residence.
- I just must tell you
darling, you look so nice.
- Oh, thank you Jo Anne.
- What's happened to you?
- Well I took off 40 pounds.
- 40 pounds, how
did you do that?
That's not easy. (laughs)
- I went on the
Los Angeles diet.
- I don't know the Los
Angeles diet, what's the one?
- I eat only on the days
that Mayor Yorty is in town.
- You poor baby,
you must be starving.
- And now Laugh-In
presents chapter one
in the story of
the Farkel Family.
- Oh Frank, you
been at it all day.
Why do you feel you have
to do everything yourself?
- The point is I did it myself.
That way I know it will work.
(knocking)
Excuse me.
- Hi, Ferd.
Why, Ferd Burfel.
- Fanny, you remember
my friend Ferd Burfel.
- Ferd Burfel, this
is Fanny Farkel.
- Hello Fanny, say
Frank this is a fancy flat
you've got here.
- Thanks Ferd, you
know I did it all myself.
- Is that right?
- Yes, that's right, Ferd.
Frank does everything himself.
- That's right, Ferd, I
do everything myself,
electrical, plumbing,
the whole smash.
- Is that right?
(water running)
- See, there isn't
a thing I didn't do.
I mean I did everything
myself, ask my boy.
Junior, didn't I do
everything myself?
- [Junior] Almost Daddy,
Mommy made the curtains.
- Isn't he cute?
(audience laughter)
- Fred, this is our son,
Frank Farkel the fourth.
- Yes, Ferd, I'm
Frank Farkel the third.
- Really?
I'm Ferd the first.
- Isn't this wonderful?
In one room we've
got a fourth Farkel,
a Frank the third,
and first Ferd.
(laughter)
- And you look like a
little Frankfurter yourself.
- That's my boy.
- That's a fine looking
boy you've got there, Frank.
- [Frank] Thanks Ferd.
(audience laughter)
- Tune in next week folks,
and follow the further foibles
of frivolous Ferd and
his faithful friend Frank
when we hear Ferd say...
- Huh, a fine looking
boy you got there, Frank.
- Thanks Ferd.
- I'd like to acquaint
you new people
with a few of the
regulations up here.
There's no smoking, no
drinking, and no involvement
with angels of the opposite sex.
- Oh sir, may I ask you then
what is the great reward?
It sounds boring.
(mellow instrumental music)
- I say, (audience laughter)
Howdy partners.
- You new in town, ain't ya?
- Don't knock it,
that's all there is
between here and Dock City,
in the way of royalty that is.
- Do you use that new margarine?
- Tonight's program
is pre-recorded.
I however, am live now.
(lively instrumental music)
- I call.
- Ah no you don't, I call you.
What have you got?
- Four aces.
- [Card Player] I
only got three aces.
- Sorry pal, four of a
kind beats three of a kind.
- Oh whatever's fair,
I only had two aces.
Can I have a little of that?
- No.
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
- Dada.
- Mama.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(alarm rings)
(upbeat instrumental music)
(gun shot)
(arrow whizzing)
(glass breaking)
(explosion)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- [Voice From Shell] Ow, ow, ow.
- [Voice From
Shell] Harry, stop.
People are watching. (giggles)
(waves crashing on the shore)
- Boy, did I have
a time last night.
- There it is.
Hey, there's no time, we've
got to get to the quickies.
- Hey, we were in her
apartment and she had
a great record
collection on the hi-fi.
The best of Frank Sinatra and...
- Hey, can we get
on with the show?
I don't want to hear
about the apartment.
- It just gave me a great idea.
- Oh, I bet it did.
- Let's do the best
of Rowan and Martin.
- What are you talking
about, we don't sing.
- We're in show
business, aren't we?
You do your best
lines, I'll do mine.
- What, it will never work.
- Trust me, as George
Schlatter always says.
Just trust me.
- Yeah, I do my lines,
you do your lines.
Okay, hey you'll never guess
who's on the show tonight.
- The bed broke.
- Um, what are your
plans for the weekend?
- I didn't know that.
- No, I don't want to
hear about your aunt.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- I suppose it was your
invisible Uncle Willard.
- Neither did Richard Burton.
(audience laughter)
- Now how would you know?
You've never been there.
- The elevator stopped
and five Lithuan... Lithuanian
pollsters got out.
- Sure, easy for you to say.
(laughter)
- Funny, so do I.
- Now I knew you were,
so here are the quickies.
- I'll drink to that.
- You bet your sweet bippie.
- Rhymes with quickie.
- Let's.
- Herbie, your
soup is getting cold.
(audience laughter)
Herbie, I said your
soup is getting cold.
- Hey, let's go
over to Fifth Avenue
and bum some change.
- Okay, you got a cigarette?
- Boy, if there's anything
I hate it's a moocher.
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
- Waitress, would you
please bring me a doggie bag?
- [Waitress] Certainly, ma'am.
Here you are.
- Thank you so much.
(audience laughter)
- Ah, are you Irving Lazar?
- Yes, I'm Irving Lazar.
- Well congratulations, Irving.
Your wife just presented
you with a baby boy,
George, Junior.
I don't get it.
(tires screeching)
- Paramount Laundry?
I thought you said
Paramount Pictures.
- Hey Charlie, how
about one for the road?
- Hello!
- [Echo Voice] Dolly!
(audience laughter)
- Congratulations my
son, you are now a father.
- Oh thank you, Bishop.
Here, have a cigar.
- Say what have you
got in an inexpensive
engagement ring?
- Oh you wait, she'll love this.
- Wow 14 carrots, hubba hubba.
(horse hooves galloping)
- Know, Hal.
Maybe we better
try it the other way.
(audience laughter)
- I get this feeling
we ain't alone.
- [Group] Aren't alone.
- I was right.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(man singing to himself)
- Wake up.
Take up the whole bench.
Who do you think you
are, Salvatore Gaspari?
Ah, you Miss Armpi are
going to get all my attention.
You Miss Armpi are
going to get the full force
of my unbridled passion.
You Miss Armpi are
going to get 30 days
for felonious assault.
I'm old, but I'm shifty.
- Some time in the
not too distant future
nudism may be the
normal way of life.
But there will always be
some bunch of cuckoos
who try to swim upstream.
Laugh-In takes a
concerned look at the days
when clothes are
out and skin is in.
- Hi, this is lovely Lou
Wasserman with another chapter
in this weird, weird world.
Please forgive the
strange way I appear.
But in order to get
inside Camp Cover-Up
I was forced to put on clothes.
As you know, Camp
Cover-Up is an institution
here in the New Jersey
woods where a group
of non-conformists
gather and wear clothes.
Frankly, running around
like this embarrasses me.
- Really no need
to be embarrassed.
You're going to
get used to clothing.
It's really quite natural.
- Yes, at first I thought that
being a clothist was strange.
But now that I've
tried it, well I'll probably
n-n-never go n-n-nude again.
- Sir, how long have
you been a clothist?
- Ever since I was a
small child Mom and Dad
always made me wear clothes.
They let me run
around in diapers.
- Yes, well you see if
we can only get those kids
used to wearing clothes early,
why we think it will beat
down a lot of the prejudice
against us.
- I see, well being
on national television
should give you a
chance to air your views.
- Television, I didn't know.
(audience laughter)
- You're not ashamed
of your clothes, are you?
- If the good Lord hasn't
wanted us to wear clothes
he never would have
invented suits and coats.
- May I ask what is
your biggest problem?
- Nasty Peeping Toms
like those over there.
Cheap thrill seekers.
(women laughing)
- Knickers!
- Well there you have
it ladies and gentlemen.
Another look at this
weird, weird world.
(Pop Goes the Weasel music)
(audience laughter)
- Something tells me
this isn't an honest game.
- What would you rather play?
- What do you think
about run, sheep run?
You start out
really slow like this.
Then you just
go a little faster.
(yelling)
- Ferd.
- Burfel.
- And me, I'm Frank
Farkel the fourth.
- AM and FM.
- Next week something truly
unusual is going to take place
on our show.
- Santa Claus is going
to shave his beard off?
- Wrong.
You weren't even close.
Next week our special guest
is Mr. William F. Buckley.
- Good ol' Bill F'Buckley,
right here on our stage.
- Yes sir, and here's a
preview of William F. Buckley.
- That's it?
- There will be a
lot more next week.
- Could I see
that picture again?
- Sure.
- You know, he just
could be Santa Claus
with his beard shaved off.
Have you ever
seen them together?
- No.
- Think about it.
(lively instrumental music)
- I never won a
wicky-wicky dollar,
by Henry Gibson.
I never won a
wicky-wicky dollar.
That's 'cause no man
is an island but me.
(screams)
- I've been drinking water
from some of our rivers
and streams.
And who says the water
is full of industrial waste?
Who says it's loaded
with garbage-age?
Who says it's killing
everything in it?
Me.
(groans)
- Bing Crosby, Bing
Crosby, Bing Crosby, Bing...
- What are you doing?
- Well, I mustn't forget
to watch his special.
- Who's special?
- Now you made me forget.
- Oh Mr. Crosby, I've loved
you in the Road to Morocco.
You're really sweet and
smashing in the Road to Zanzibar.
You're magnifici-cent in
the Road to Hong Kong.
But we waited for you
on the Road to Berlin,
you never showed up.
But we did enjoy your
father, Bob Hope. (laughs)
- Frank, - Farkel.
- Fine looking boy
you got there, Frank.
- Thanks, Ferd.
- You're welcome, Frank.
- Farkel.
- The fourth.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
for you faithful followers
of the famous flying
fickle finger of fate award
it is time now for
the fabulous flange.
Flail away, fellows.
- Oh Miss Garson, you
did that just beautifully.
- I know.
(audience laughter)
Got you again little fella.
All right, gentlemen
you may proceed now.
- [Henry] I love you.
- Big Al here.
(bell tinkles)
Oh, isn't that a heavy tinkle?
Which reminds me right now
here comes Burbank's own
all clear signal.
Lovely little lady of song
whispering Jo Anne Worley.
I'm loud, I'm loud,
I'm proud that I'm loud
'Cause people can hear
me when I'm in a crowd
Those soft-spoken shy
folk are really not my folk
'Cause I am a folk who is loud
(applause)
- Miss Greer Garson,
what is the biggest thrill
in your career?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the night I picked
up an Academy Award
for Mrs. Miniver.
- Oh that was nice of you.
But gee, it's too bad
she couldn't be there
to pick it up herself.
- Come on Dick, we'll
be late for the party.
- That's all right, I was
late for the ballet last night.
- You went to the ballet?
I didn't know you
were a ballet fan.
- Oh sure, my brother
Peacock Martin,
he was a professional
ballet dancer.
He danced in Spain
with Jose Greco
and did very well, too until
someone cut in on them.
- That's a terrible old joke.
- You think that's
a terrible old joke
you should have seen my
brother Peacock in a tutu.
- Let's go to the party.
You're all invited.
(applause)
(lively dance music)
- Dick.
You know I have to
improve my mind or bust.
- Well, two out of one
ain't bad, you know.
(lively instrumental music)
- Greer do you think
integration has made any marked
advance in the deep south?
- Oh yes indeed it had, Dan.
I read where an all-white
school just admitted
a number of Black
children do exist.
(lively instrumental music)
- Boris has always believed
that the truth will out.
Well, last night his
wife found out the truth
and guess what?
Now he's out.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Dick.
(yelps)
- You sneak up
on me all the time.
- You know what?
I've been using a
mouthwash for lovers.
- Does it work?
- Uh well I don't know, I've
been so darn busy gargling.
(lively instrumental music)
- My daughter-in-law
is so sweet.
She gave me my
Christmas present early,
a set of matched
luggage, already packed.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Mr. Rosmanko, Mr. Rosmanko,
you dancing fool you.
In America we have a
ghetto problem I'd like
to talk about with you.
- Oh certainly, Mr. Rowan.
In my country we got
a ghetto problem, too.
Get out of army, get out of
party, get out of country quick.
It's a big joke in Biastok.
(lively instrumental music)
- You know Pam, it's
really a shame all that trash
lying around in
our public parks.
- Yeah, why don't they
all get up and get jobs.
(lively instrumental music)
- Sweden is now
having a crime problem
with the American military
defectors they've admitted.
You might say it's
a case of Sweden
getting its just deserters.
(lively instrumental music)
- So many people attend
the new drive-in churches
we need a new commandment.
Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's parking place.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- You know when I started
in movies it was quite difficult
for an actress to get big parts.
But now it's just a
simple operation.
(audience laughter)
(lively dance music)
(audience applause)
- A party every week
is very interesting.
You know you would have
thought in the Christmas season
they would have have
Kris Kringle come down
the chil-iminey just for the
kiddies, something like that.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- You sure don't
look like your pictures.
Look at the soot, you'd
better come around with me
and I'll clean you up.
Meet you in the bunker, come on.
(lively instrumental music)
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
(fast-paced lively music)
- Just can't understand why
your luck's so bad, partner.
- Harry, could it be
my breath, huh, huh?
Harry.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
for those of you who may feel
the urgency to depart
from the enclosure in which
you now reside, the
forthcoming sequence
is predicated upon
that supposition because
here come the news,
here come the news.
- Say Miss Garson,
that was just great.
- Thank you.
Henry, come here little fella.
Bug off.
- One for the money,
two for the bread,
when I socked it to my
sweetie this is what he said.
- What's the news
across the nation?
- We have got the information.
- In the way we
hope will amuse you's.
- We just love to
give you our views.
- [Ladies] La da dee da.
- Jet life and
looks at the news.
- Come up and see me some time.
- [Ladies] Here's Dan.
(applause)
- And now with the
news of the present
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Sticky.
(applause)
- Try to hold it down.
Following recent revelations
that some automobile bumpers
provide protection only
up to 2.8 miles an hour,
an industry spokesman
offered this solution.
In the future, bumpers
will remain the same
but cars won't go
over 2.8 miles per hour.
(audience laughter)
When asked if they were
concerned that loud rock music
causes serious hearing
loss, 350 avid, or avid,
teenage music fans
unanimously replied, huh?
(audience laughter)
Now Goldie, do your thing.
- Look out world I'm on my way.
First try, look out
world I'm on my way.
Nothing can stop me now
- Goldie what are you doing?
What are you doing
there, you little songbird?
- I'm doing my thing.
- Yeah, well your
thing is introducing me
with the news of the future.
- (Snickers) Whoopie,
ladies and gentlemen,
here with the future news
is Rowan, Dan Rowan.
Big thing, that was a big thing.
- Yes it was.
Look out world, I'm coming
- Thank you very much, Goldie.
Oh, you're not
gonna do any more.
Los Angeles 1990,
20 years from now.
A large group of angry,
choking, coughing citizens
groped their way to
downtown Los Angeles today
to form an organization to
demand effective smog control.
When asked if they thought
they could fight city hall
they said fight city hall?
We can't even find city hall.
Very smoggy out.
Miami Beach, Florida,
1989, 20 years from now.
With the merger of the
Protestant and the Jewish religions
now a reality, spokesmen
for the combined faiths said
things are working out
great since we added seltzer
to the baptismal water.
We can now christen babies
and burp them at the same time.
- Now life and news
goes way down south
in the land of cotton
for a leisurely look
at what's happening
in Dixie, ooh.
- I thought I heard
the doorbell ringing.
The guests must be arriving.
- I didn't hear anything,
poor dear he's getting old.
- Well Edith Mary
June, times passes.
You know, I think the
Colonel had a wonderful idea
recreating a night
in the old South.
Now those must have
been wonderful days.
- Oh they were, Bobby
Joe Jemarding, they were.
They were high blooded
men in those days.
- But the war came.
Times were cruel and
hard during the war.
The Colonel told me that
in winter they had no heat.
The Colonel would look up
and see the old folks freezing.
There they were,
the blue and the gray.
- [Both] Those were the days.
- And just think
Bobby Joe Jemarding,
tonight we're going to
recreate those beautiful days
thanks to the Colonel.
Magnolia Mansion
will live again.
- I just saw the
first guests arriving.
We'd better start the party.
- [Both] Yes, Colonel.
- Remember now,
serve from the left
and don't spill anything.
And you, boy when
you're carrying the tray
try and shuffle a
little when you walk.
- Like this?
- If you drop that
tray boy, I'm-a cut ya.
- And now Laugh-In's
news of the past picks its way
carefully through a
grove of apple trees
to where England's
great scientific genius,
Sir Isaac Newton sits
pondering the laws of gravity, ooh.
Oh, this incident produced
one of the greatest milestones
in human history, ooh. (laughs)
That's as good as it gets.
- Excedrin headache number one.
- [Greer] Gotcha
again little fella.
La da dee da
- [Ladies] Ladies and gents,
laugh and look at the news.
(sighing)
- Oh Miss Garson,
that was so great.
I brought you a little
present, a flower.
- Why Henry, how nice of you.
Thank you, now I
have something for you.
- You do?
Oh, Miss Garson,
oh you shouldn't have.
Thank you, Miss Garson.
- He's a nice little fellow
really, but an easy mark.
- What a cute Christmas joke.
She gave him a wrapped boxer.
And the boxer gave him a wrap.
I think it's funny.
- Ho, ho, ho, well
it's Christmas time
and we're all very busy
here at the South Pole.
(lively instrumental music)
(sneezes)
(lively instrumental music)
(nonsensical words)
- Once more it's
time, will you practice
your flounder later?
Once more it's time
for the mod, mod world.
And tonight Laugh-In
looks at extremism.
- What a coinky-dinky.
Why only last night I
was out with this lady
and I was making some
observations on the extreme left
and the far right.
- Well I hadn't any idea you
were interested in politics.
- Who say anything
about politics?
She had an outlook
you couldn't overlook.
- I'm talking about
people who go too far.
- Funny, that's what
she was talking about.
- I'm talking about
extremists in anything.
Not just politics.
You know, for example
don't you think we out to
cut down on this
excessive violence?
- Yes, we've gone too far.
- Excessive fashions?
- Yes, we've gone too far.
- Excessive sex?
- Now you've gone too far.
- Now there are people
today who overdo everything
and the average
bedrock American family
is starting to complain.
- Well any family
who's bed is on a rock
is bound to complain
sooner or later.
- Look at this new
morality that they call.
Dick, take these
dancing naked women.
- Well I'd like to, but
they won't stop dancing.
- No, no I'm trying to tell
you about today's extremists.
- Extremists?
- Yes, extremists.
Now what would you call a
man who drinks to extreme,
who gambles to extreme, runs
around with women to extremes?
You'd call him, - A swinger.
- A swinger, no not a swinger.
What I'm trying to say
is today we all could use
a little moderation.
Don't you agree
to that, moderation?
- I believe in
moderation completely.
- Good.
- As long as you
don't overdo it.
- Oh, that's good enough for me.
Let's see what mod mod world
has to say about extremism.
- Extremism means going too far.
I date nothing but extremists.
Is that going too far?
- Tonight, a lecture
on extremism,
a major factor in history.
Since recorded history
there has been extremism
in eating habits.
It is known that the
first druid chieftain
ate only dried beets,
dried raisin, dried prunes.
Unfortunately he fell
in a river and blew up.
(upbeat instrumental music)
My neighbor's a
religious fanatic.
He says the world is
going to come to an end
next Saturday.
He better be wrong, I'm
only half finished with the ark.
- There is also
extremism in sports.
For example, a man in
Dubuque, Iowa sat through
different sports events
each night of his life.
Baseball, basketball,
football, hockey.
He was the first man
in medical history
to develop a case
of athlete's seat.
- Dad, Dad, I've
got to talk to you.
- Can it wait, I'm
watching a football game,
it's a crucial one.
- But Dad it's important.
I'm in kind of a little trouble.
- You're in trouble,
what about the Rams?
They've got 17 to
go and it's third down
on their own 12-yard line, look.
- The kitchen's on fire.
The ironing cord got hot.
- Yeah, yeah, you
should see the 'Niners.
The 'Niners just made
12 catches in a row.
15 yards to Tarinsky and
he stood on the darn play.
Can you hold it down
back there, come on.
No consideration for a
man that's watching a game
that's very
important in his life.
Get him, get him, stick
your foot in his mouth.
What's the matter with you?
Cowards, you're all
cowards, that's what it is.
A bunch of cowards.
(wife squealing)
Get that zebra off
the field. (laughs)
Finally got him out of the way.
What do you know, the
officials don't know nothing.
(crashing)
Give it to him, grab him!
(yelling)
(audience laughing)
(ceramic breaking)
(wife squealing)
This is my lucky day!
This is my lucky day, look
the Rams just won the game.
That's fantastic,
look what's going on.
Watch the replay,
watch the replay.
- Do you realize with
this button we can destroy
the entire earth?
- That's right, general,
imagine what we could do
if they'd just give
us a bigger budget.
- Speaking of extremists,
that Bullwright a cutie.
If we had him on our
side the Berlin Wall
would be in Pittsburgh,
Phoenix, parts of Burbank.
Wouldn't be a
total loss, think of it.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- I hate, I hate people
who take extreme positions
on a subject.
I hate 'em, hate 'em,
hate 'em, hate 'em.
- Hello dear, how were
things at the office today?
- Oh just fine.
- Good, good.
Well dinner's near ready.
- Why don't we get a
babysitter for the kids
and go out to a movie tonight?
- Well good idea,
what's playing?
- I don't know, let's see.
- Now there's Lust in the Night.
- Uh-nh.
- Passion in the Dust.
The Gay Caballero
Meets the African Queen.
- Geez, nothing
but nudity and sex.
- That's right. (laughs)
Just sex, sex, sex.
That's all it seems to be.
- Well is sex only thing that
people are in for heaven sake?
Leave it to Hollywood
to overdo a good thing.
Sex, sex, sex.
- Listen Mrs. Farkel, why
doesn't the whole Farkel family
just stay home and
have dinner together?
- Oh, that's a fine idea.
It's about dinnertime,
I'll call the kids in.
Mark, Sparkle, Park, Art.
- don't forget Mart,
Hart, Bart, and the twins.
- Simon and Garfarkel,
bring the little ones.
- Hello Ferd.
- Hello Frank.
It's a fine lookin' family
you've got there Frank.
- Thanks Ferd.
- In keeping with
Laugh-In's probing look
at extremists, we have
once again brought you
the Farkel family.
- If there's one
thing I can't stand,
it's a middle of
the road fanatic.
- Oh Miss Garson, I
sure enjoyed that look
at extremism.
I guess mostly because it
had something important to say.
- Yes, yes, I agree.
And I too have something
important to say, little fella.
Bug off will you?
And this time stay bugged off.
- I think she's
getting to like me.
She just autographed my shirt.
- They cleaned
me out, Miss Kitty.
- Oh poor baby, would
you like to dance?
- Sure would, Miss Kitty.
- Okay.
(gun shots)
- Hate that when you do that.
(gun shots)
- You know for a big man
he sure is light on his feet.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
new Formica Floor Shine.
It's even harder than
most floors it protects.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- In a minute, Dan Hale.
I just want to say thank you
to the nurses of the world.
Keep up the good
work, nurses of the world.
You almost make
it fun to be sick.
- They do a good
job and it's nice of you
to be so thoughtful.
- Thank you, you see I
just met this adorable nurse
name Gisella.
- Yeah, I should have figured.
- She said the way I
operate I should have
been a brain surgeon.
- Never would have
passed the physical.
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night nurses of the
world, good night Gisella.
- Good night, Dick.
- Gisella, you give a
new meaning to the words
angel of mercy.
Shave that one and
send her to my bunker.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applause)
- Miss Garson.
- Yes?
- Did you hear that
Slipper got arrested?
- Yes, I understand
he crossed a state line
for immoral purposes.
- Jo Anne.
- What is it, Henry?
I'm right here, never fear.
- Did you hear about the
new Italian cheerleader?
- No Henry, what about
the new Italian cheerleader?
Ah, what was the Italian
cheerleader's name?
- Sis-Boom-Ba.
- Miss Gerson.
- Yes?
- What do you
get if you cross...
- That's Miss Garson.
- Oh, Miss Garson, what
do you get if you cross
a turtle with a chicken?
- An egg that won't
come out of its shell.
- No.
- What do you get
if you cross a canary
with a hockey player?
- A cheep cheapskate.
- Goldie.
- Yeah.
- I'm glad you're there.
Do you believe in coincidences?
- Funny, I was just
gonna ask you that.
- Jeremy, what do
you get if you cross
the Phantom of the
Opera with a cow?
- The ghost and Mrs. Moo.
- What do you get if
you cross Greer Garson
with John Lindsey's wife?
- Easy for you to say,
the guest and Mrs. Mayer.
- Right.
- Miss Garson, what do
you get when you cross
a strong wind with a pussycat?
- The gust of Mrs. Mew.
- Ruth, am I paranoid or
is somebody following me?
- Nobody's following you.
- Oh thank goodness,
I'm paranoid.
- Arte, gee Arte Johnson.
- Hello, Jo Anne Worley,
the quiet strong one.
- How are you, darling?
- Yes, I'm here
and I'm listening.
- Listen, here's the question.
- Yes.
- Why were you late tonight?
- An answer is coming to me.
I got st...
- Yeah?
(laughter)
- There's a little
static, a little static.
- The ghost and Mrs. Moo.
- That's mine.
- Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Why are you after me like that?
- [Female] You are paranoid.
- Why are there so many
babies out of wedlock?
- I can't think of one
legitimate reason.
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
- Now, before we
start this game let's all
put our guns on the table.
- Okay.
(gun shots)
(gasps)
- That's all for
tonight, kiddies.
And remember, do unto
others as you would have them...
Who cares, who cares.
- Very interesting,
and that Greer Garson,
whooo, what a lovely to
look at bundle from Britain.
- Wolfgang, I think
you're lovely too.
- Miss Garson, thank
you but I'm spoken for.
- Who is she, I'll
scratch her eyes out.
- Her name is Gisella
and she's a nurse
in the Bramen Home
for the Incurably German.
(audience laughter)
- (speaking German), Wolfgang.
- Perhaps in another
place, in another time
it would have been different.
- Give it up, Wolfgang,
she's no good for you.
- I'm sorry Miss Greer
Garson, you'll have to learn
to live without me.
(audience laughter)
- Ruthie, I was
just kidding around.
That nurse means nothing to me.
You'll still number
one on my hit parade.
And Gary, you're
number two so try harder.
(audience laughter)
Gisella's gonna kill me.
- You know, little fella,
I've been thinking it over.
You really are rather cute.
- I'm adorable if you only knew.
(squeals)
- Oh Henry, my Henry, I
didn't know you really cared.
- Oh, I do.
Garson's back and
Gibson's got her.
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Greer Garson, oh Miss Garson,
whenever I see you I
just go all mushy inside.
Oh, I'm just a a little
fellow, but I'm so fond of you
and you're so kind and
gentle and everything.
Could I have your...
- Look, we've got a
show to get on, so bug off,
little fellow, will you?
(laughter)
- Oh, isn't she marvelous
and to think she took time
out of her busy schedule
just to talk to me.
Goldie told a joke
to Arte Johnson.
- And Arte passed
it onto Alan Sues.
- Alan told Teresa.
- And Teresa told Pam.
- Then Deacon Dan told...
- Groovy Jo Anne.
- Then Jeremy told Greer
and Greer told H-H-Henry.
- Henry said it's
shaggy at the pub.
- He told an oldie.
- Right back to Goldie.
- [All] And everybody
laughed it off.
- I don't get it.
- [All] Everybody
laughed it off.
(audience applause)
- If an apple a day
keeps the doctor away
what do you have to eat to
get him to make a house call?
(laughter)
- Miss Garson, my uncle
came down with a case of hives
so the doctor applied honey.
- Oh Ruth, did it help?
- No, not only does, does,
not only does (laughs)
he still have hives, but now
the bees are living in them.
(lively instrumental music)
- Hey Goldie, does the
high cost of living bother you?
- No, I live on the
ground floor apartment.
(audience laughter)
(lively instrumental music)
- Greer, I understand
that President Nixon
is worried about what steps
to take in Latin America.
- Well, when I was there
the Bassa Nova was very big.
(lively instrumental music)
- I'm supposed to call you.
Anyway, hey Jo Anne.
- [Jo Anne] Yes, Teresa.
- Who were the first
weight watchers?
- Well, actually it was
Lady Godiva's neighbors.
They couldn't wait to watch her.
(lively instrumental music)
- Hey Dan.
- Yes.
- What should they get
when they cross Sophia Loren
with a Polaroid camera?
- I don't know, Arte, what?
- A girl who developed
in 60 seconds.
(laughter)
(lively instrumental music)
- Jo Anne.
- Yes, you again Teresa,
what is it, what is it?
- You know, now that
they're teaching sex education
in schools, I understand
they've changed the three Rs,
to reading, writing,
and reproduction.
(laughter)
- Goldie.
- Yes.
- Hey, you know I
was at a party last week
with Elizabeth Taylor?
- Gee really?
Did you see her better half?
- Yeah, and I saw
Richard Burton there, too.
(lively instrumental music)
- Oh Miss Garson, it's
been so great having you
on the show.
I just adore you.
- Well that's very
sweet of you, Henry.
And now I'll tell you something.
Bug off, little fella.
(laughter)
A giggle had been
company of laughter
And after all we
switch to loving cup
Now try a giggle
A wink and wiggle
And everybody laugh it up, ha ha
Everybody laugh it up
- And now from the
main ballroom of Pastori's
Perfect Poultry Plucking
Palace in beautiful
downtown Burbank, NBC,
the I don't care network,
throws another chapter
of Rowan and Martin's
Laugh-in Doorway, starring
our writing, fast-shooting,
Dan Rowan and his
adorable side saddle mate,
Dick Martin.
Tonight's extra-special
guest, Greer Garson,
known to her close friends
as Miss Greer Garson.
And the usual assortment
of delightful doo-hos,
Arte Johnson with Ruth
Buzzi, Henry Gibson,
Goldie Hawn, Alan
Sues, and petite
little Jo Anne Worley.
Not to mention Teresa
Graves, Pamela Rogers,
Jeremy Lloyd, and others.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
appearing as Marvel
the friendly drone.
Now watch this.
Meet Mrs. Anna
Farkwart, mother of 10.
Mrs. Farkwart, why do
people often mistake you
for your teenage daughter?
- Probably their
eyes ain't too good.
(laughter)
- NBC says if it
feels good, do it.
Evidently this makes
NBC feel good.
So they are going to do it.
- Portions of Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
are brought to you
by all those beautiful
Breck hair products.
If you see a girl
with beautiful hair,
don't get jealous.
It's just that some
girls get all the Brecks.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- And now I would like to...
- Hold it, hold, it
Miss Greer Garson.
I know this is your first
big spot on the show
and I want to help
you get it right.
- Oh, that's very
kind of you, Goldie.
- Good, that's good.
You know I'm glad to do it.
I used to have trouble
with these things
and now it's easy.
- Well, well, I hope
I can handle it.
- Now, now, now,
now just read the words
on the cards there
slowly and clearly, okay?
And don't goof.
- And now ladies and
gentlemen, here are Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin.
- Now don't get upset,
Miss Greer Garson.
Everybody goofs, first time.
(audience applause)
- Back, back, back.
There's got to be
some order here.
- Such unrestrained frivolity.
Hey, I went by your
place yesterday.
The whole front yard is
filled with chrysanthemums
and begonias.
- That's very strange,
I planted flowers.
- Yeah, I didn't know you
were so interested in flowers.
- I beg your pardon.
My new hobby is
landscaping and gardening.
- Oh, well that's different.
You must have a green thumb.
- Well thank you.
You have a nice
curly red mustache.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah you
know what a green thumb is.
It means that when it
comes to growing things
you have a natural proclivity.
- Ah ha, must be the Crest.
- It must be, I guess you're
just a born agronomist.
- Hm?
- Agronomist.
- Well you take that back.
Better than that, in
addition to my natural
proclivity and my horticulture,
I have a Japanese gardener.
Her name is Lotus Blossom.
- Lotus Blossom, you have
a Japanese girl gardener.
- Not only that, she
takes care of my begonias.
And once a week
she prunes my hedge.
- I don't think I
want to hear this.
- Thins my hibiscus
and sprays my aphids.
- Aphids, aphids.
- Make a wonderful
cup of tea, too.
- Does she, with the
aphid spraying makes tea.
Well she sure has done
wonders in your posy patch.
- She ain't bad in
the garden, either.
- I'm overjoyed to hear that.
- She's got the most
gorgeous hibiscus
you've ever laid your eyes on.
- A way that she does.
Hey, what made you decide
on flowers as a hoby, hobby?
- A hoby hobby?
Well my neighbor complained
about my other hobby.
- Which was?
- Spearfishing.
- Spearfishing, why would
your neighbor complain
about you going spearfishing?
- Can't imagine why
unless it was the fact
that I was
spearfishing in his pool.
- That might explain it.
- I did pretty good, too.
I got an air mattress,
two rubber ducks,
and a nine-pound flounder.
- What's a flounder doing there?
- A lot of this.
(audience laughter)
- That looks more like a tuna.
- Teresa, what are
you so upset about?
- Well Goldie, yesterday
Jamie says I should go out
and get a maid, right?
- Right, right.
- Well, I go to the
agency and I tell them
I want to talk about
a job for a maid.
- Well?
- Well, tomorrow
morning at eight o'clock
I'm supposed to report
to the Brillstein residence.
- I just must tell you
darling, you look so nice.
- Oh, thank you Jo Anne.
- What's happened to you?
- Well I took off 40 pounds.
- 40 pounds, how
did you do that?
That's not easy. (laughs)
- I went on the
Los Angeles diet.
- I don't know the Los
Angeles diet, what's the one?
- I eat only on the days
that Mayor Yorty is in town.
- You poor baby,
you must be starving.
- And now Laugh-In
presents chapter one
in the story of
the Farkel Family.
- Oh Frank, you
been at it all day.
Why do you feel you have
to do everything yourself?
- The point is I did it myself.
That way I know it will work.
(knocking)
Excuse me.
- Hi, Ferd.
Why, Ferd Burfel.
- Fanny, you remember
my friend Ferd Burfel.
- Ferd Burfel, this
is Fanny Farkel.
- Hello Fanny, say
Frank this is a fancy flat
you've got here.
- Thanks Ferd, you
know I did it all myself.
- Is that right?
- Yes, that's right, Ferd.
Frank does everything himself.
- That's right, Ferd, I
do everything myself,
electrical, plumbing,
the whole smash.
- Is that right?
(water running)
- See, there isn't
a thing I didn't do.
I mean I did everything
myself, ask my boy.
Junior, didn't I do
everything myself?
- [Junior] Almost Daddy,
Mommy made the curtains.
- Isn't he cute?
(audience laughter)
- Fred, this is our son,
Frank Farkel the fourth.
- Yes, Ferd, I'm
Frank Farkel the third.
- Really?
I'm Ferd the first.
- Isn't this wonderful?
In one room we've
got a fourth Farkel,
a Frank the third,
and first Ferd.
(laughter)
- And you look like a
little Frankfurter yourself.
- That's my boy.
- That's a fine looking
boy you've got there, Frank.
- [Frank] Thanks Ferd.
(audience laughter)
- Tune in next week folks,
and follow the further foibles
of frivolous Ferd and
his faithful friend Frank
when we hear Ferd say...
- Huh, a fine looking
boy you got there, Frank.
- Thanks Ferd.
- I'd like to acquaint
you new people
with a few of the
regulations up here.
There's no smoking, no
drinking, and no involvement
with angels of the opposite sex.
- Oh sir, may I ask you then
what is the great reward?
It sounds boring.
(mellow instrumental music)
- I say, (audience laughter)
Howdy partners.
- You new in town, ain't ya?
- Don't knock it,
that's all there is
between here and Dock City,
in the way of royalty that is.
- Do you use that new margarine?
- Tonight's program
is pre-recorded.
I however, am live now.
(lively instrumental music)
- I call.
- Ah no you don't, I call you.
What have you got?
- Four aces.
- [Card Player] I
only got three aces.
- Sorry pal, four of a
kind beats three of a kind.
- Oh whatever's fair,
I only had two aces.
Can I have a little of that?
- No.
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
- Dada.
- Mama.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(alarm rings)
(upbeat instrumental music)
(gun shot)
(arrow whizzing)
(glass breaking)
(explosion)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- [Voice From Shell] Ow, ow, ow.
- [Voice From
Shell] Harry, stop.
People are watching. (giggles)
(waves crashing on the shore)
- Boy, did I have
a time last night.
- There it is.
Hey, there's no time, we've
got to get to the quickies.
- Hey, we were in her
apartment and she had
a great record
collection on the hi-fi.
The best of Frank Sinatra and...
- Hey, can we get
on with the show?
I don't want to hear
about the apartment.
- It just gave me a great idea.
- Oh, I bet it did.
- Let's do the best
of Rowan and Martin.
- What are you talking
about, we don't sing.
- We're in show
business, aren't we?
You do your best
lines, I'll do mine.
- What, it will never work.
- Trust me, as George
Schlatter always says.
Just trust me.
- Yeah, I do my lines,
you do your lines.
Okay, hey you'll never guess
who's on the show tonight.
- The bed broke.
- Um, what are your
plans for the weekend?
- I didn't know that.
- No, I don't want to
hear about your aunt.
- That's what they'd
like you to believe.
- I suppose it was your
invisible Uncle Willard.
- Neither did Richard Burton.
(audience laughter)
- Now how would you know?
You've never been there.
- The elevator stopped
and five Lithuan... Lithuanian
pollsters got out.
- Sure, easy for you to say.
(laughter)
- Funny, so do I.
- Now I knew you were,
so here are the quickies.
- I'll drink to that.
- You bet your sweet bippie.
- Rhymes with quickie.
- Let's.
- Herbie, your
soup is getting cold.
(audience laughter)
Herbie, I said your
soup is getting cold.
- Hey, let's go
over to Fifth Avenue
and bum some change.
- Okay, you got a cigarette?
- Boy, if there's anything
I hate it's a moocher.
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
- Waitress, would you
please bring me a doggie bag?
- [Waitress] Certainly, ma'am.
Here you are.
- Thank you so much.
(audience laughter)
- Ah, are you Irving Lazar?
- Yes, I'm Irving Lazar.
- Well congratulations, Irving.
Your wife just presented
you with a baby boy,
George, Junior.
I don't get it.
(tires screeching)
- Paramount Laundry?
I thought you said
Paramount Pictures.
- Hey Charlie, how
about one for the road?
- Hello!
- [Echo Voice] Dolly!
(audience laughter)
- Congratulations my
son, you are now a father.
- Oh thank you, Bishop.
Here, have a cigar.
- Say what have you
got in an inexpensive
engagement ring?
- Oh you wait, she'll love this.
- Wow 14 carrots, hubba hubba.
(horse hooves galloping)
- Know, Hal.
Maybe we better
try it the other way.
(audience laughter)
- I get this feeling
we ain't alone.
- [Group] Aren't alone.
- I was right.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(man singing to himself)
- Wake up.
Take up the whole bench.
Who do you think you
are, Salvatore Gaspari?
Ah, you Miss Armpi are
going to get all my attention.
You Miss Armpi are
going to get the full force
of my unbridled passion.
You Miss Armpi are
going to get 30 days
for felonious assault.
I'm old, but I'm shifty.
- Some time in the
not too distant future
nudism may be the
normal way of life.
But there will always be
some bunch of cuckoos
who try to swim upstream.
Laugh-In takes a
concerned look at the days
when clothes are
out and skin is in.
- Hi, this is lovely Lou
Wasserman with another chapter
in this weird, weird world.
Please forgive the
strange way I appear.
But in order to get
inside Camp Cover-Up
I was forced to put on clothes.
As you know, Camp
Cover-Up is an institution
here in the New Jersey
woods where a group
of non-conformists
gather and wear clothes.
Frankly, running around
like this embarrasses me.
- Really no need
to be embarrassed.
You're going to
get used to clothing.
It's really quite natural.
- Yes, at first I thought that
being a clothist was strange.
But now that I've
tried it, well I'll probably
n-n-never go n-n-nude again.
- Sir, how long have
you been a clothist?
- Ever since I was a
small child Mom and Dad
always made me wear clothes.
They let me run
around in diapers.
- Yes, well you see if
we can only get those kids
used to wearing clothes early,
why we think it will beat
down a lot of the prejudice
against us.
- I see, well being
on national television
should give you a
chance to air your views.
- Television, I didn't know.
(audience laughter)
- You're not ashamed
of your clothes, are you?
- If the good Lord hasn't
wanted us to wear clothes
he never would have
invented suits and coats.
- May I ask what is
your biggest problem?
- Nasty Peeping Toms
like those over there.
Cheap thrill seekers.
(women laughing)
- Knickers!
- Well there you have
it ladies and gentlemen.
Another look at this
weird, weird world.
(Pop Goes the Weasel music)
(audience laughter)
- Something tells me
this isn't an honest game.
- What would you rather play?
- What do you think
about run, sheep run?
You start out
really slow like this.
Then you just
go a little faster.
(yelling)
- Ferd.
- Burfel.
- And me, I'm Frank
Farkel the fourth.
- AM and FM.
- Next week something truly
unusual is going to take place
on our show.
- Santa Claus is going
to shave his beard off?
- Wrong.
You weren't even close.
Next week our special guest
is Mr. William F. Buckley.
- Good ol' Bill F'Buckley,
right here on our stage.
- Yes sir, and here's a
preview of William F. Buckley.
- That's it?
- There will be a
lot more next week.
- Could I see
that picture again?
- Sure.
- You know, he just
could be Santa Claus
with his beard shaved off.
Have you ever
seen them together?
- No.
- Think about it.
(lively instrumental music)
- I never won a
wicky-wicky dollar,
by Henry Gibson.
I never won a
wicky-wicky dollar.
That's 'cause no man
is an island but me.
(screams)
- I've been drinking water
from some of our rivers
and streams.
And who says the water
is full of industrial waste?
Who says it's loaded
with garbage-age?
Who says it's killing
everything in it?
Me.
(groans)
- Bing Crosby, Bing
Crosby, Bing Crosby, Bing...
- What are you doing?
- Well, I mustn't forget
to watch his special.
- Who's special?
- Now you made me forget.
- Oh Mr. Crosby, I've loved
you in the Road to Morocco.
You're really sweet and
smashing in the Road to Zanzibar.
You're magnifici-cent in
the Road to Hong Kong.
But we waited for you
on the Road to Berlin,
you never showed up.
But we did enjoy your
father, Bob Hope. (laughs)
- Frank, - Farkel.
- Fine looking boy
you got there, Frank.
- Thanks, Ferd.
- You're welcome, Frank.
- Farkel.
- The fourth.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
for you faithful followers
of the famous flying
fickle finger of fate award
it is time now for
the fabulous flange.
Flail away, fellows.
- Oh Miss Garson, you
did that just beautifully.
- I know.
(audience laughter)
Got you again little fella.
All right, gentlemen
you may proceed now.
- [Henry] I love you.
- Big Al here.
(bell tinkles)
Oh, isn't that a heavy tinkle?
Which reminds me right now
here comes Burbank's own
all clear signal.
Lovely little lady of song
whispering Jo Anne Worley.
I'm loud, I'm loud,
I'm proud that I'm loud
'Cause people can hear
me when I'm in a crowd
Those soft-spoken shy
folk are really not my folk
'Cause I am a folk who is loud
(applause)
- Miss Greer Garson,
what is the biggest thrill
in your career?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the night I picked
up an Academy Award
for Mrs. Miniver.
- Oh that was nice of you.
But gee, it's too bad
she couldn't be there
to pick it up herself.
- Come on Dick, we'll
be late for the party.
- That's all right, I was
late for the ballet last night.
- You went to the ballet?
I didn't know you
were a ballet fan.
- Oh sure, my brother
Peacock Martin,
he was a professional
ballet dancer.
He danced in Spain
with Jose Greco
and did very well, too until
someone cut in on them.
- That's a terrible old joke.
- You think that's
a terrible old joke
you should have seen my
brother Peacock in a tutu.
- Let's go to the party.
You're all invited.
(applause)
(lively dance music)
- Dick.
You know I have to
improve my mind or bust.
- Well, two out of one
ain't bad, you know.
(lively instrumental music)
- Greer do you think
integration has made any marked
advance in the deep south?
- Oh yes indeed it had, Dan.
I read where an all-white
school just admitted
a number of Black
children do exist.
(lively instrumental music)
- Boris has always believed
that the truth will out.
Well, last night his
wife found out the truth
and guess what?
Now he's out.
(audience laughter)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Dick.
(yelps)
- You sneak up
on me all the time.
- You know what?
I've been using a
mouthwash for lovers.
- Does it work?
- Uh well I don't know, I've
been so darn busy gargling.
(lively instrumental music)
- My daughter-in-law
is so sweet.
She gave me my
Christmas present early,
a set of matched
luggage, already packed.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Mr. Rosmanko, Mr. Rosmanko,
you dancing fool you.
In America we have a
ghetto problem I'd like
to talk about with you.
- Oh certainly, Mr. Rowan.
In my country we got
a ghetto problem, too.
Get out of army, get out of
party, get out of country quick.
It's a big joke in Biastok.
(lively instrumental music)
- You know Pam, it's
really a shame all that trash
lying around in
our public parks.
- Yeah, why don't they
all get up and get jobs.
(lively instrumental music)
- Sweden is now
having a crime problem
with the American military
defectors they've admitted.
You might say it's
a case of Sweden
getting its just deserters.
(lively instrumental music)
- So many people attend
the new drive-in churches
we need a new commandment.
Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbor's parking place.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- You know when I started
in movies it was quite difficult
for an actress to get big parts.
But now it's just a
simple operation.
(audience laughter)
(lively dance music)
(audience applause)
- A party every week
is very interesting.
You know you would have
thought in the Christmas season
they would have have
Kris Kringle come down
the chil-iminey just for the
kiddies, something like that.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- You sure don't
look like your pictures.
Look at the soot, you'd
better come around with me
and I'll clean you up.
Meet you in the bunker, come on.
(lively instrumental music)
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
(fast-paced lively music)
- Just can't understand why
your luck's so bad, partner.
- Harry, could it be
my breath, huh, huh?
Harry.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
for those of you who may feel
the urgency to depart
from the enclosure in which
you now reside, the
forthcoming sequence
is predicated upon
that supposition because
here come the news,
here come the news.
- Say Miss Garson,
that was just great.
- Thank you.
Henry, come here little fella.
Bug off.
- One for the money,
two for the bread,
when I socked it to my
sweetie this is what he said.
- What's the news
across the nation?
- We have got the information.
- In the way we
hope will amuse you's.
- We just love to
give you our views.
- [Ladies] La da dee da.
- Jet life and
looks at the news.
- Come up and see me some time.
- [Ladies] Here's Dan.
(applause)
- And now with the
news of the present
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Sticky.
(applause)
- Try to hold it down.
Following recent revelations
that some automobile bumpers
provide protection only
up to 2.8 miles an hour,
an industry spokesman
offered this solution.
In the future, bumpers
will remain the same
but cars won't go
over 2.8 miles per hour.
(audience laughter)
When asked if they were
concerned that loud rock music
causes serious hearing
loss, 350 avid, or avid,
teenage music fans
unanimously replied, huh?
(audience laughter)
Now Goldie, do your thing.
- Look out world I'm on my way.
First try, look out
world I'm on my way.
Nothing can stop me now
- Goldie what are you doing?
What are you doing
there, you little songbird?
- I'm doing my thing.
- Yeah, well your
thing is introducing me
with the news of the future.
- (Snickers) Whoopie,
ladies and gentlemen,
here with the future news
is Rowan, Dan Rowan.
Big thing, that was a big thing.
- Yes it was.
Look out world, I'm coming
- Thank you very much, Goldie.
Oh, you're not
gonna do any more.
Los Angeles 1990,
20 years from now.
A large group of angry,
choking, coughing citizens
groped their way to
downtown Los Angeles today
to form an organization to
demand effective smog control.
When asked if they thought
they could fight city hall
they said fight city hall?
We can't even find city hall.
Very smoggy out.
Miami Beach, Florida,
1989, 20 years from now.
With the merger of the
Protestant and the Jewish religions
now a reality, spokesmen
for the combined faiths said
things are working out
great since we added seltzer
to the baptismal water.
We can now christen babies
and burp them at the same time.
- Now life and news
goes way down south
in the land of cotton
for a leisurely look
at what's happening
in Dixie, ooh.
- I thought I heard
the doorbell ringing.
The guests must be arriving.
- I didn't hear anything,
poor dear he's getting old.
- Well Edith Mary
June, times passes.
You know, I think the
Colonel had a wonderful idea
recreating a night
in the old South.
Now those must have
been wonderful days.
- Oh they were, Bobby
Joe Jemarding, they were.
They were high blooded
men in those days.
- But the war came.
Times were cruel and
hard during the war.
The Colonel told me that
in winter they had no heat.
The Colonel would look up
and see the old folks freezing.
There they were,
the blue and the gray.
- [Both] Those were the days.
- And just think
Bobby Joe Jemarding,
tonight we're going to
recreate those beautiful days
thanks to the Colonel.
Magnolia Mansion
will live again.
- I just saw the
first guests arriving.
We'd better start the party.
- [Both] Yes, Colonel.
- Remember now,
serve from the left
and don't spill anything.
And you, boy when
you're carrying the tray
try and shuffle a
little when you walk.
- Like this?
- If you drop that
tray boy, I'm-a cut ya.
- And now Laugh-In's
news of the past picks its way
carefully through a
grove of apple trees
to where England's
great scientific genius,
Sir Isaac Newton sits
pondering the laws of gravity, ooh.
Oh, this incident produced
one of the greatest milestones
in human history, ooh. (laughs)
That's as good as it gets.
- Excedrin headache number one.
- [Greer] Gotcha
again little fella.
La da dee da
- [Ladies] Ladies and gents,
laugh and look at the news.
(sighing)
- Oh Miss Garson,
that was so great.
I brought you a little
present, a flower.
- Why Henry, how nice of you.
Thank you, now I
have something for you.
- You do?
Oh, Miss Garson,
oh you shouldn't have.
Thank you, Miss Garson.
- He's a nice little fellow
really, but an easy mark.
- What a cute Christmas joke.
She gave him a wrapped boxer.
And the boxer gave him a wrap.
I think it's funny.
- Ho, ho, ho, well
it's Christmas time
and we're all very busy
here at the South Pole.
(lively instrumental music)
(sneezes)
(lively instrumental music)
(nonsensical words)
- Once more it's
time, will you practice
your flounder later?
Once more it's time
for the mod, mod world.
And tonight Laugh-In
looks at extremism.
- What a coinky-dinky.
Why only last night I
was out with this lady
and I was making some
observations on the extreme left
and the far right.
- Well I hadn't any idea you
were interested in politics.
- Who say anything
about politics?
She had an outlook
you couldn't overlook.
- I'm talking about
people who go too far.
- Funny, that's what
she was talking about.
- I'm talking about
extremists in anything.
Not just politics.
You know, for example
don't you think we out to
cut down on this
excessive violence?
- Yes, we've gone too far.
- Excessive fashions?
- Yes, we've gone too far.
- Excessive sex?
- Now you've gone too far.
- Now there are people
today who overdo everything
and the average
bedrock American family
is starting to complain.
- Well any family
who's bed is on a rock
is bound to complain
sooner or later.
- Look at this new
morality that they call.
Dick, take these
dancing naked women.
- Well I'd like to, but
they won't stop dancing.
- No, no I'm trying to tell
you about today's extremists.
- Extremists?
- Yes, extremists.
Now what would you call a
man who drinks to extreme,
who gambles to extreme, runs
around with women to extremes?
You'd call him, - A swinger.
- A swinger, no not a swinger.
What I'm trying to say
is today we all could use
a little moderation.
Don't you agree
to that, moderation?
- I believe in
moderation completely.
- Good.
- As long as you
don't overdo it.
- Oh, that's good enough for me.
Let's see what mod mod world
has to say about extremism.
- Extremism means going too far.
I date nothing but extremists.
Is that going too far?
- Tonight, a lecture
on extremism,
a major factor in history.
Since recorded history
there has been extremism
in eating habits.
It is known that the
first druid chieftain
ate only dried beets,
dried raisin, dried prunes.
Unfortunately he fell
in a river and blew up.
(upbeat instrumental music)
My neighbor's a
religious fanatic.
He says the world is
going to come to an end
next Saturday.
He better be wrong, I'm
only half finished with the ark.
- There is also
extremism in sports.
For example, a man in
Dubuque, Iowa sat through
different sports events
each night of his life.
Baseball, basketball,
football, hockey.
He was the first man
in medical history
to develop a case
of athlete's seat.
- Dad, Dad, I've
got to talk to you.
- Can it wait, I'm
watching a football game,
it's a crucial one.
- But Dad it's important.
I'm in kind of a little trouble.
- You're in trouble,
what about the Rams?
They've got 17 to
go and it's third down
on their own 12-yard line, look.
- The kitchen's on fire.
The ironing cord got hot.
- Yeah, yeah, you
should see the 'Niners.
The 'Niners just made
12 catches in a row.
15 yards to Tarinsky and
he stood on the darn play.
Can you hold it down
back there, come on.
No consideration for a
man that's watching a game
that's very
important in his life.
Get him, get him, stick
your foot in his mouth.
What's the matter with you?
Cowards, you're all
cowards, that's what it is.
A bunch of cowards.
(wife squealing)
Get that zebra off
the field. (laughs)
Finally got him out of the way.
What do you know, the
officials don't know nothing.
(crashing)
Give it to him, grab him!
(yelling)
(audience laughing)
(ceramic breaking)
(wife squealing)
This is my lucky day!
This is my lucky day, look
the Rams just won the game.
That's fantastic,
look what's going on.
Watch the replay,
watch the replay.
- Do you realize with
this button we can destroy
the entire earth?
- That's right, general,
imagine what we could do
if they'd just give
us a bigger budget.
- Speaking of extremists,
that Bullwright a cutie.
If we had him on our
side the Berlin Wall
would be in Pittsburgh,
Phoenix, parts of Burbank.
Wouldn't be a
total loss, think of it.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- I hate, I hate people
who take extreme positions
on a subject.
I hate 'em, hate 'em,
hate 'em, hate 'em.
- Hello dear, how were
things at the office today?
- Oh just fine.
- Good, good.
Well dinner's near ready.
- Why don't we get a
babysitter for the kids
and go out to a movie tonight?
- Well good idea,
what's playing?
- I don't know, let's see.
- Now there's Lust in the Night.
- Uh-nh.
- Passion in the Dust.
The Gay Caballero
Meets the African Queen.
- Geez, nothing
but nudity and sex.
- That's right. (laughs)
Just sex, sex, sex.
That's all it seems to be.
- Well is sex only thing that
people are in for heaven sake?
Leave it to Hollywood
to overdo a good thing.
Sex, sex, sex.
- Listen Mrs. Farkel, why
doesn't the whole Farkel family
just stay home and
have dinner together?
- Oh, that's a fine idea.
It's about dinnertime,
I'll call the kids in.
Mark, Sparkle, Park, Art.
- don't forget Mart,
Hart, Bart, and the twins.
- Simon and Garfarkel,
bring the little ones.
- Hello Ferd.
- Hello Frank.
It's a fine lookin' family
you've got there Frank.
- Thanks Ferd.
- In keeping with
Laugh-In's probing look
at extremists, we have
once again brought you
the Farkel family.
- If there's one
thing I can't stand,
it's a middle of
the road fanatic.
- Oh Miss Garson, I
sure enjoyed that look
at extremism.
I guess mostly because it
had something important to say.
- Yes, yes, I agree.
And I too have something
important to say, little fella.
Bug off will you?
And this time stay bugged off.
- I think she's
getting to like me.
She just autographed my shirt.
- They cleaned
me out, Miss Kitty.
- Oh poor baby, would
you like to dance?
- Sure would, Miss Kitty.
- Okay.
(gun shots)
- Hate that when you do that.
(gun shots)
- You know for a big man
he sure is light on his feet.
- [Announcer] Portions of
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
were brought to you by
new Formica Floor Shine.
It's even harder than
most floors it protects.
- Well it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- In a minute, Dan Hale.
I just want to say thank you
to the nurses of the world.
Keep up the good
work, nurses of the world.
You almost make
it fun to be sick.
- They do a good
job and it's nice of you
to be so thoughtful.
- Thank you, you see I
just met this adorable nurse
name Gisella.
- Yeah, I should have figured.
- She said the way I
operate I should have
been a brain surgeon.
- Never would have
passed the physical.
Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Good night nurses of the
world, good night Gisella.
- Good night, Dick.
- Gisella, you give a
new meaning to the words
angel of mercy.
Shave that one and
send her to my bunker.
- Good night, everybody.
(audience applause)
- Miss Garson.
- Yes?
- Did you hear that
Slipper got arrested?
- Yes, I understand
he crossed a state line
for immoral purposes.
- Jo Anne.
- What is it, Henry?
I'm right here, never fear.
- Did you hear about the
new Italian cheerleader?
- No Henry, what about
the new Italian cheerleader?
Ah, what was the Italian
cheerleader's name?
- Sis-Boom-Ba.
- Miss Gerson.
- Yes?
- What do you
get if you cross...
- That's Miss Garson.
- Oh, Miss Garson, what
do you get if you cross
a turtle with a chicken?
- An egg that won't
come out of its shell.
- No.
- What do you get
if you cross a canary
with a hockey player?
- A cheep cheapskate.
- Goldie.
- Yeah.
- I'm glad you're there.
Do you believe in coincidences?
- Funny, I was just
gonna ask you that.
- Jeremy, what do
you get if you cross
the Phantom of the
Opera with a cow?
- The ghost and Mrs. Moo.
- What do you get if
you cross Greer Garson
with John Lindsey's wife?
- Easy for you to say,
the guest and Mrs. Mayer.
- Right.
- Miss Garson, what do
you get when you cross
a strong wind with a pussycat?
- The gust of Mrs. Mew.
- Ruth, am I paranoid or
is somebody following me?
- Nobody's following you.
- Oh thank goodness,
I'm paranoid.
- Arte, gee Arte Johnson.
- Hello, Jo Anne Worley,
the quiet strong one.
- How are you, darling?
- Yes, I'm here
and I'm listening.
- Listen, here's the question.
- Yes.
- Why were you late tonight?
- An answer is coming to me.
I got st...
- Yeah?
(laughter)
- There's a little
static, a little static.
- The ghost and Mrs. Moo.
- That's mine.
- Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Why are you after me like that?
- [Female] You are paranoid.
- Why are there so many
babies out of wedlock?
- I can't think of one
legitimate reason.
(lighthearted
instrumental music)
- Now, before we
start this game let's all
put our guns on the table.
- Okay.
(gun shots)
(gasps)
- That's all for
tonight, kiddies.
And remember, do unto
others as you would have them...
Who cares, who cares.
- Very interesting,
and that Greer Garson,
whooo, what a lovely to
look at bundle from Britain.
- Wolfgang, I think
you're lovely too.
- Miss Garson, thank
you but I'm spoken for.
- Who is she, I'll
scratch her eyes out.
- Her name is Gisella
and she's a nurse
in the Bramen Home
for the Incurably German.
(audience laughter)
- (speaking German), Wolfgang.
- Perhaps in another
place, in another time
it would have been different.
- Give it up, Wolfgang,
she's no good for you.
- I'm sorry Miss Greer
Garson, you'll have to learn
to live without me.
(audience laughter)
- Ruthie, I was
just kidding around.
That nurse means nothing to me.
You'll still number
one on my hit parade.
And Gary, you're
number two so try harder.
(audience laughter)
Gisella's gonna kill me.
- You know, little fella,
I've been thinking it over.
You really are rather cute.
- I'm adorable if you only knew.
(squeals)
- Oh Henry, my Henry, I
didn't know you really cared.
- Oh, I do.
Garson's back and
Gibson's got her.
(clapping)