Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 12 - Episode #3.12 - full transcript
- [Narrator] The
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Oh, Engelbert Humperdinck,
would you give me an autograph?
- Where, Ruth?
- All over!
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Henry.
Do you have a quarter
for a cup of coffee?
- Oh sure, Mr. Benny.
- Here.
- Thanks,
and here's your coffee.
(audience laughing)
- Miss St. John,
can you suggest anything
to make me more attractive?
- No.
(audience laughing)
- What?
Nah, she didn't say that.
- Miss St. John, I'm gonna
give you one more chance,
now can you suggest anything
that will make me
more attractive?
- Well um, gee Gladys, um...
Maybe a different color hairnet?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah,
that's what she said.
- And as for a quickie week,
has only three days in it,
Monday, Tuesday and April.
- Speaking of
quickies, let's look in
and see what's
happening in the office.
(upbeat whimsical music)
- [Secretaries]
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
The office, the office
A nine to fiver's office
A place we file and type a lot
They wheel and
deal and swipe a lot
We work here We play here
We primp all week long
The office is our second home
- At the water cooler!
The office is our second home
- On your coffee break!
The office is our second home
- Typing, typing, bing!
- Typing, typing, bing!
- [All] Here come the
boss, here come the boss,
order in the office,
here come the boss!
- Miss Hawn?
- Yes?
- What did you do with
all those computer cards?
- Oh, I threw them all out,
they were all
full of little holes.
(audience laughing)
- Marilyn, do you think
the boss likes a
little nip on the side?
- (chuckles) Well, I don't
know about that, George,
but every once and a while
he'll try a little pat
on the cheek. (laughs)
Hey, Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Honey, would you like to
go out for a coffee break?
- Okay, but if you just
wait a minute till
I finish my coffee.
- I'm taking up a collection,
Marge is having a baby.
- Oh good, what does she need?
- Well for one thing, she
needs a marriage license.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, was the boss surprised
when his wife showed up!
- Well so was I, she
was lookin' for me!
(audience laughing)
- Oh boy, oh boy!
Oh boy, do you
know what? (laughs)
Our boss really
keeps late hours,
last night he didn't get me
home until three in the morning.
Boy, oh boy. (audience laughing)
- I don't know why they
call this take home pay,
it hardly pays to take it home.
- You know, the boss
has just provided the guys
with two good reasons for
coming to the office early.
Topless receptionist.
- Well, what's the other reason?
- Once an accountant,
always an accountant.
- There's something
wrong with my stapler,
every time I hit it, a little
piece of wire comes out.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Jones.
- Oh, yes.
- I notice you leaving a
little early every evening.
- Oh yes, but don't
forget I make up for it
by coming in late every morning.
(audience laughing)
- How about going
out for a coffee break?
- No thanks, Goldie,
it keeps me awake.
- Our new computer
functions exactly
like a human being,
the day the World Series
opened, it called in sick.
(audience laughing)
- I just talked to
an efficiency expert,
now everybody in here whose job
can be duplicated by a
machine, is dismissed!
- [All] Oh, well!
- Not so fast, Miss Raskin.
(audience laughing)
We work here We play here
We never will roll
The office is our second home
- Here's the Welcome Wagon!
The office is our second home
- What a lousy paycheck!
The office Is our second home
- [All] Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
- What, get outta show business?
(audience laughing)
- [All] Typing, typing.
- From the back room
of Benny's Beanery
and Firework Factory
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
In defiance of
thousands of requests,
NBC once again presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the former Dan Rowan.
The recently-titled
Dame Richard Martin.
Tonight's surprise guest will
not be announced until later,
but he looks a lot like
the singer, actor, dancer,
and almost unpronounceable,
Englebert Humperdinck.
(audience laughing)
- Englebert Humperdinck.
- Was that a quickie?
- Plus, these delightful
doo-doos, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, and Alan Sues.
And sure relief for blocked
sinus cavities, Jo Anne Worley.
And for the very first time
anywhere, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, Byron Gilliam.
- Engelbert Humperdinck.
- That's not a quickie.
Nevertheless, Gary Owens
could not be here tonight,
due to the commitment
on Letters to Laugh-In.
Morgle the friendly threll
will be back from
the drone convention
in Philidrobia next week.
Now, a word to the wise.
Should a gentleman
offer a lady a gotcha?
- A gotcha?
- Gotcha! (screaming)
(audience laughing)
- If that warmed the
cockles of your heart,
this one will lift you
right outta your seat!
(upbeat orchestral prelude)
- Engle.
- Bert.
- Humper.
- Dinck!
(audience laughing)
- AM and FM.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now folks,
here's sweethearts
without further
adieu-doo-doo, doo,
here's two doo-doos, Dan
Rowan, and Dick Doo-doo.
(audience clapping)
(upbeat theme music intro)
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Oh!
- We've got have
some kinda order here!
- Yes, you're gonna
have to restrain yourselves,
but in the moon team,
good evening!
- Oh, in the mine tomb.
- Hey, you look a
little tired tonight.
- Well, I've been in training.
- Been in training?
I'm glad to hear that,
what are you in training for?
- Well, didn't I tell ya?
I got a black belt in gotcha.
(audience laughing)
- You got a black
belt in gotcha?
- Sure, look over there.
Gotcha! (gasping)
(audience laughing)
See what I mean?
- Oh yeah, gee that's great.
- Oh, thank you, it's a
result of rigorous training,
hours of clutching,
grabbing, squeezing.
- Sounds pretty tough.
- Exhausting!
I never knew how
strong a girl could be!
- There's a girl in the class?
- No, there's 12.
- Oh, the rest of the
students must like that!
- I certainly do! (laughs)
- Take a long time
to learn gotcha?
- Oh yeah, you know
there's a beginner's gotcha,
intermediate gotcha,
and then there's
advanced gotcha.
- Oh, I see.
- I went right to advanced.
- I can imagine,
head of the class!
- Well not really,
but the instructor did
say I was a natural.
- I would say so.
Hey, look over there!
- (laughs) No, you
think I'm stupid?
If I look over there,
you'll gimme a gotcha.
- Yeah, look over where?
- Over there.
- Gotcha!
(screaming) (audience laughing)
- No fair, you
been takin' lessons!
- Gotcha! (screaming)
(audience laughing)
- While Dick's
running for his life,
we'll have time
for a few quickies.
- Here come da quickie.
- My, wasn't that
a delicious meal, dear?
- Oh, it was all right.
- Oh, aren't you glad
I forced you to...
- I shoulda
had the big dinner.
- (chuckles) Now, let's see
what our fortune
cookies say, okay honey?
- Oh see what your...
- I've got mine!
And it says, "Trouble and
care won't bother you long.
"Your husband just
poisoned your egg foo young."
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- See ya around, fatso.
(audience laughing)
- In my day, quickies
were much quicker.
- You can say that again!
- In my day, quickies
were much quicker.
- Look at me.
Silver in my hair,
teeth full of gold,
taking iron shots, what
can I do for my family?
- Well, when you go,
why don't you leave
'em the mineral rights?
(audience laughing)
(ball hitting)
(breaks squeaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
- President Q, I
am happy to report
we have cancelled the elections,
shot down another newspaper,
and locked up the outspoken
critics of our government.
- Good, now we can proceed
with our fight for democracy.
(audience laughing)
- I love those quickies.
(audience laughing)
- Your usual, sir?
(audience laughing)
- What was that?
- That was Flairity.
- The bar just opened, how
did he get loaded already?
- Well, you know what they say,
Flairity begins at home.
(audience laughing)
- A beautiful statement, to you!
(sonic booming)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(gun firing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Oh, you poor man!
It's a good thing you
still can communicate
by blinking your
eyelid in Morse Code.
Oh, wait let me copy it!
(chuckles) Well, Mr. Diangelous,
you are getting better!
I'll have you up and around
in no time, you rascal!
Here we go.
I.
Got.
Something.
In.
My.
Eye. (audience laughing)
- Is a feathered
quickie a quackie?
- Call for Phyllis Norris!
Call for Phyllis Norris!
- Over here! (coughs)
Right here. (coughs)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whistling)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- That wasn't quick, I
guess it was just cheap.
(audience laughing)
- Listen you guys.
- What is it?
- That machine gun's
really got us pinned down.
Somebody's gotta go get it.
You cover me.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
Is that okay?
- Oh, that's great.
- Well, so much for
tonight's quickies.
- Oh darn!
Maybe next week.
Turn the gorilla loose!
(audience laughing)
- That's the way
the quickie crumbles.
- Personally, I've
always preferred slowies.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(excited chattering)
This is Uncle Al
The kiddie's pal
Hello little friends, hello
Uncle Al had a lotta
medicine last night,
and he might have to have
a little injection
during the day. (laughs)
Well kiddies, it's time
to make pretty music,
so let's open up the
Uncle Al fun case.
(kids clapping and cheering)
- [Little Girl] What do
we have today, Uncle Al?
- I'll tell you in a
minute, Melissa.
- [Melissa] I wanna know now!
- I bet you do.
- [Little Boy] Come on
Al, I got a cab waiting.
(audience laughing)
- And then you're going
to see how you make pretty
Betty bottles into merry music
by giving them a
little tap, so let's sing.
This is a (bottle breaking)
(audience laughing)
Get Miss Twinkle on the phone!
Well, that's it for
today, everyone.
This was Uncle
Al The kiddies' pal
By little fans, bye, bye
(whimsical orchestral music)
(blowing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Up-Up, up, up, up!
(laughing)
I've made you just
like a hunam being.
You're just like you're my son,
well, what are your first words?
- Hey Dad, could I have
the keys to the hearse?
- Oh, another slob!
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you have a cigarette?
- Hold on.
Yes, yes I do.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I've got a special coming
up this Wednesday called
Jack Benny's New
Look, you wanna see it?
(audience laughing)
- Well!
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music overture)
- Chimp.
- Pampcie.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(blowing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- (groans) Dad, can I
have the car tonight?
- Milhouse you stupid,
you don't know how to drive!
- I don't wanna
drive, I wanna eat it.
(audience laughing)
- Pardon me, ma'am.
(whimsical orchestral music)
You got a cigarette?
- Well of course!
What do you think this is?
- Just what the world needs,
another rich smart alec.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- All right, Goldie.
How would you pronounce
Engelbert Humperdinck backwards?
- It's already backwards!
(audience laughing)
On Plymouth Rock
the pilgrims made a vow
Inspiring words we'd
like to sing right now
Watch the news
across the nation, bang
We have got the
information, bang
In a way, bang, bang
We hope will
amuse, two, three four
You two, three,
four We just love
Bang, bang To give you our views
Two, three, four
Bang-bang, bang-bang
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan, bang
(audience clapping)
(excited chattering)
- And now, here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
the man who's had more
turkeys than anybody we know,
here's Dickie!
(audience clapping,
cheering and whistling)
- Made it!
Dateline, I don't
know what that means,
I just thought I'd throw it in.
Dr. Elias Phipps of
Durban, South Africa,
today performed the
first tongue transplant.
Dr. Phipps refused
to take personal credit
for the surgical
accomplishment saying,
"The operation would
speak for itself." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
City taxpayers reacted
unfavorably today
when 300 militant
welfare recipients
demanded a marked
increase in financial aid.
"Either we get what we want,"
spokesman for the
group threatened,
"or we go out in a body,
and get jobs." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Two, three, four.
(audience laughing)
Conservationists
already disturbed
over the systematic
elimination of public lands said,
"Secretary of Interior
Hickel went too far today
"when he announced
plans to build a freeway
"through Bert Parks." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Hold it, hold it, Jack!
Hold it, Jack, or Eddie!
Okay, take it away Goldie.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the news
of the future here's...
- Come on Goldie,
you know my name.
- Gimme a hint.
Oh Danny boy the pipes
The pipes are calling
- Give another hint.
From glen to glen - Glen Glenn!
Here he is, Glen Glenn!
(audience laughing)
Go get 'em, Danny boy!
- New York 1989,
20 years from now,
this week pay television
completed its first full year
of intellectual programming,
consisting entirely
of concerts, lectures
and documentaries.
Industry spokesman announced,
"Gross income for the year
had easily exceeded $3.87."
Sun City, Arizona
1989, 20 years from now,
the reunion of the original
cast of Hair took place today
with an anniversary
performance of the show.
Speaking for the cast,
the 73 year-old lead,
Charlie Kahn, said,
"We may be old,
"but we can still show
'em a few new wrinkles."
(audience laughing)
Washington, DC 1989,
20 years from now,
the nation's
controversial draft system
was finally replaced today
by the long-awaited lottery.
When General Melvin Laird III
drew several names at
random from the fish bowl,
the winners were sent to
Fort Dix for Basic Training,
General Laird III was
sent to Leavenworth
for gambling without a license.
(audience laughing)
- I wonder if it's too late
to use that on my show?
Eh! (audience laughing)
- And now Laugh-In
jumps back 200 years
to spend a moment with
our Founding Fathers,
Thomas Jefferson and
George Washington.
- Well, how are you coming
with the constitution, Tom?
- Oh good, General
Washington, good.
Say, how does this hit you?
"All citizens shall
have the right
"to maintain and bear arms."
- No, no I'm afraid
that won't do.
You see, then every
nut in the country
will be running
around with a gun.
I think it should read,
"The militia shall have
"the right to bear
and maintain arms."
- Very well, but
200 years from now,
who's going to remember?
(audience laughing)
- Hi there, government folk!
Pam Rodgers, your
man in Washington,
just back from an afternoon
with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Ooh, I'd tell you what
happened but everyone knows
those staff meetings
are top secret.
(audience laughing)
See you!
Adjourn, sweeties!
(gavel knocking)
(audience laughing)
- All right sports boosters,
here comes the biggest
booster of them all, Big Al.
On your mark,
get set, go Big Al,
and he certainly is!
- Hi, Big Al here,
swatting my bird
around the old badminton ring.
(bell tinkling)
Featurette! (bell tinkling)
Oh, that was a grade-A tinkle.
I know you're simply
dying to know the results
of the West Coast
Hopscotch meet.
The hopping was
nothing, but the Scotch!
(audience laughing)
Delicious, oh my head.
Well, next week we're going
Gin Rummy-ing, or whatever.
(chuckles) Tah-tah!
- Big Al, you wanna
try on my pilgrim shoes?
Come on, honey!
- Oh, look
at that little devil!
- [All] Two, three, four.
Bang, bang, bang-bang,
ooh Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Bang, bang, two, three, four
- If the praying mantis prays,
and the click beetle
clicks, oh to be a lady bug!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, son of a gun,
that was a quickie!
- So was that!
- It's true, I've had
five different husbands.
But wouldn't it be idiotic
to have five husbands
all the same?
- Now, that was a quickie.
- And now, what was the
most-asked question of the week?
- The most asked
question this week was
"What was the largest
kidney stone ever removed."
- And the answer is...
- A 28-pound kidney stone
removed from a Mr. Sam Weissboard.
And now, the second
most-asked question was...
- What is the loudest
sound ever heard on Earth?
And the answer is,
the loudest sound
on Earth ever heard
was made by a Sam Weissboard
when they removed that
28-pound kidney stone.
(audience laughing)
- Well gentlemen, if Goodie
Cigarette sales are to survive,
we're going to have
to do something
to sell 'em to the public,
and we're going
to have to do it fast.
- Well, we've been experimenting
with mice down
at the laboratory.
- Yeah?
- [Dick] Okay, bring him in.
(audience laughing)
- Hi!
I've been smoking Goodie
Cigarettes for 50 years.
I find it a milder,
and smoother,
with just a little hint of...
(audience laughing)
- Oh well, I don't
think people would of
taken the word of a moldy
mouse over these health nuts
that are bad-mouthing cigarettes
anyway, now do something!
- How 'bout the
sophisticated approach?
- All right.
- All right, Lance! (claps)
- Hello, hello, hello!
I want to tell you that
my social life really swings
since I've shifted to
Goodie Cigarettes.
After all, what girl can resist
a man who gives her a Goodie?
(audience laughing)
(inhales) Hello...
(audience laughing)
- We're not doing anything
to help fight the health scare,
we're in big trouble!
- Hold it, Chief!
You know, the
boys in advertising
have one more card to play,
this one'll really boost sales!
(knocks) Okay, bring her in!
Remember Goodie
Cigarettes are good for you
At least smoking and coughing
Gives you something
to do (coughing)
- Very good!
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.
- Berabba, berabba.
Hi there, I haven't seen
you on the lily pads before.
- Ribbit, ribbit.
I'm new in this pond, what
do you say we get together?
Ribbit.
- Berabbab.
Groovy, your pad or mine?
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
(energetic orchestral
music) (blowing)
- Agh! (audience laughing)
- Pardon me, ma'am.
- Oh dear.
- Got a cigarette?
(sighing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Help yourself, young man.
- Thank you.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
- Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.
- And I say if you believe
you can be healed,
now come forth and be healed!
Oh, I see you have
rheumatism, my friend.
Open your hands!
- I can't!
I can't!
- Then kneel down, my friend.
Oh spirits within me,
ease this woman's rheumatism
so that her hands
shall be healed!
Now!
Open your hands!
- (gasps) Oh, I'm healed!
I'm healed!
- There friend!
Now get up and rejoice!
- I can't! (audience laughing)
I can't!
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
My kind of town Chicago is
- Ribbit.
- Diarp.
- Ribbit. (audience laughing)
(energetic whimsical
orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- [All] Oh!
- Henry!
Happy birthday!
- I created you, I
breathed life into you.
- Do you have to put
garlic on everything?
- Hi.
- Oh, dear!
- Can I, certainly would
enjoy a cigarette after dinner.
- Well, here.
- Thank you.
- But where's your dinner?
- I was just comin' to
that, can I borrow $5.00?
(audience laughing)
- Dumb bum!
(audience laughing)
(energetic disco music)
- Mr. Humperdinck?
- Hmm?
- Would you sing a song for me?
- I will, if you recite a poem.
- Sure.
Oh Englebert Humperdinck,
when you drive,
does your bumper clink?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, it's
time for the party.
- Not yet, we're
planning a surprise.
- For whom?
- For Dan, but don't tell him.
- Well you just did, ya doo-doo!
- All right, but don't
let on you know
when we get there. (laughs)
- Come on, let's
go to the party.
- The surprise party.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Well what's this,
there's nobody here.
- Surprise!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I went to the
Artist's Ball last week
and danced with my favorite
models, I was a sensation!
No one has ever
seen anyone Tango
with two apples, a bowl,
and a daffodil! (claps)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Jeremy?
- Yes?
- Over here in America
we call a man who is
short-sighted myopic.
What do you call such
a man in England?
- The Prime Minister!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Boris's wife called last
night and demanded a divorce.
He was so upset, he could
hardly get back to sleep,
I mean rolling and
tossing. (audience laughing)
He told me about
it this morning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The Lord created heaven
and earth in just six days.
If he hadn't rested
on the Sabbath,
he might even of
finished Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Last week I auditioned for
the producer of a nude play.
Now, I know why I had
to take my clothes off,
but I still don't
understand why he did!
Not to mention the ushers,
and the parking lot attendants,
and a cute little old cleaning
man who was too much!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- My daughter-in-law
wrote her mother
and told her that I was a
meddlin' old busy-body!
Now, I never woulda known
if I hadn't steamed
that letter open!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well, there's nothing like
Thanksgiving with relations.
- Oh, and to think I wasted
the whole day with my family!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Roz Manco.
- It's good seeing you.
- What's the national
sport in your country?
- Well, in old country we no
longer have it, national sport.
Yeah, the government
sent her to Siberia.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
Hey, Goldie You
want a cookie Teresa
(laughing)
- You know what, you're
much fatter this year
than you were last year.
(laughing)
- I got married!
- I know, that's why I like you!
Listen, Teresa.
- Mmm hmm.
- Do you think they should
continue the poverty program?
- Don't ask me, I
never watch ABC.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(audience clapping)
- Mr. Humperdinck?
- Mmm hmm.
- Do you know the first
eight bars of San Francisco?
- Let's see, it's Tiny's
Tavern, Big Eddie's...
(audience laughing)
- Oh, let's hear it
folks, he's one of us!
(audience laughing)
- That's the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- If I become a cheerleader,
I'll be Zsa Zsa Shish-boom-bah.
- Correction, that's the
worst joke I've ever heard.
(audience laughing)
(dramatic orchestral prelude)
Oh yeah
- Oh, you're in good
voice tonight, Harvey.
As Rowan and Martin used to say,
"It's time once
again for our famous
"Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award."
- And who gets the
jolly jabber tonight?
- Well, it's going to
Congressman BF Sisk,
and six of his colleagues, who,
according to the United
Press International
are being sent by the House
Public Works Committee
on an investigating trip.
They're going to study,
among other things,
roads and highways...
- Well, that's good!
- In Africa.
- That's bad!
Africa?
- That's right.
Ethiopia, Kenya,
Uganda, Tanzania,
Zanzibar, Egypt, the Congo.
- That's Africa, all right!
- Nice of you to mention it.
The trip begins with five days
at the African Highway
Conference, and will last one month.
- Sure it will!
Those African
highways are murder.
- No, no, no, they don't spend
the whole month in Africa,
they're also goin' to Greece,
and Italy, Spain, Israel,
and London.
- Well, if you wanna
study African highways,
London's the place to do it!
- Shrewd thinking!
- Huh?
- Congressman Sisk says, quote,
if we don't go and observe
and find out what's goin' on,
then certainly we could
be missing a bet, unquote.
- Well, here's a bet you won't
be missing, Congressman.
- That's right.
- We'll just send this to you
and your six
colleagues in care of
the House of
Representatives marked
hold for arrival.
- That's right,
and I'm sure you'll
find a way to use it
somewhere along the road.
(audience laughing)
- Tune in next week, folks,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the Articulated Tickler,
goes to the packaging industry
for making those
indestructible aluminum cans,
that are so much a part
of the American scene.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(table crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Good evening.
- Oh!
- Do you have a cigarette?
- Oh!
Why yes, I do.
(sizzling) (audience laughing)
(laughs) Gotcha!
(audience laughing)
- Gotcha!
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
- Toy boat, toy boat...
(audience laughing)
Big ship, big ship,
big ship, big ship.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
- Doo-doo.
Oh, what was it?
Line to come. (laughs)
- Are you satisfied?
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Why yes.
What am I?
- Well, you started out
as a cut-up, you know.
(audience laughing)
- Well you know, I don't wanna
be just another pretty face.
- We'll do your mouth,
don't worry, don't worry.
- Good evening.
You got a cigarette?
- Well, yes I do
as a matter of fact.
- Have you got a light?
- Hmm?
- A light?
- Oh, certainly!
Here you go.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Engelbert Humperdinck
will not appear tonight
because he was
caught in a wind storm,
and flogged to death
by his sideburns.
- Tell me, Engelbert,
may I call you Engelbert?
- Sure, yes.
- How do you like
it here in America?
- About the same
way as I like it at home.
(audience laughing)
One lump, no cream.
- (claps) Coulda fooled me!
- On my show this Wednesday,
even the commercials
are funnier than that.
(audience laughing)
Wishing bird on my shoulder
I feel it wishing there
There's a wishing
bird on my shoulder
Pecking away at my hair
(mellow flute music)
- Miss Ormsby.
(mellow flute music)
You are a creature
of sheer delight.
Oh, ah, ah, ah!
Peace.
(audience laughing)
If I have offended
you, I'm sorry.
If my deep infatuation
of your maddening beauty
has led me to misbehave,
forgive me.
(mellow flute music)
If indeed, I have
been a nuisance,
I am desolate.
I go now, dear lady,
perhaps never to return.
(mellow flute music)
(singing softly)
Perhaps never to feast
my eyes on you again.
(humming softly)
Perhaps to give you
one last gotcha! (gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Well Dick, it's
time for Potpourri.
- Pot Pourri!
- No, you know,
a lotta little scraps.
- Hey, you know that's why
my uncle and aunt
almost got divorced.
- A lotta little scraps?
- Ah yeah, you see
when they got married,
they promised they'd
share responsibilities,
and she had 15 children...
- So?
- Well, she just feels
that it's his turn now.
- Well, that's ridiculous,
a man can't have babies.
- Well, I kinda think
my uncle already has,
my aunt keeps sayin'
"Six of 'em are his."
See, he was married before.
- Well, I'm glad to hear
that, but I must admit,
it must be a lotta work for
a girl taking care of 15 kids.
- Think how the dog felt!
- The dog?
- Well sure, with all
those mouths to feed,
all he got was little scraps.
- Ah ha! (audience laughing)
You know, that reminds
me of something,
and I can't think what it was.
- Well, we must go
on with Pot Pourri.
- In criminal cases of late,
judge and jury have
often found it necessary
to hold court at the scene
of the alleged offense
in order to render
an objective verdict.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
First District Court of Elkins
County is now in session.
His Honor Alan Zelkin
presiding, everyone please rise.
(audience laughing)
(beer stein banging)
- This court is in
special session.
We're meeting
here on the premises
of the Pink Pussywillow Club
to observe and
evaluate topless blondes,
and (talks gibberish)
with indecent exposure.
Let me apologize to the jurors
for exposing them
to the embarrassment
of witnessing a
shameless exhibition
of a dubious nature, let
the preceding commence.
(mellow burlesque music)
One final caution,
this court will tolerate
no levity or unseemly display
above all I say, I love you!
- Complete silence and
now, Mr. And Mrs. Bono,
Mr. and Mrs. Bono,
the final question
for the grand prize on the
Honeymoon Game, ready?
Here it goes, what was the
color of Napoleon's horse?
You have exactly 10
seconds, 10 seconds!
(musical click ticking)
- Yeah, white!
- White, white!
- White, you're
absolutely correct!
(screaming excitedly)
- Congratulations,
(claps), congratulations!
You have won the Honeymoon Game,
and here's a list
of your prizes.
- Oh what, what?
- A $2,300.00 lawn mower.
A honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
- Oh!
- [MC] $78,000.00 houseboat.
- Oh!
- 500 pounds of Virginia ham,
and a silver service
for 1200 people!
Ski equipment for three,
a giant tropical
fish tank for six,
and six giant tropical fish.
Ahem, here we go
again, I think of the swell,
five-gallon tank of water!
(screaming) (audience laughing)
Yes, and tune in tomorrow folks,
for another session of
the Honeymoon Game!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Ed...
- Yeah, Cos...
- Ed Cock.
- Cosgrove!
- Cosgrove!
(laughing)
After 20 years!
- Oh, M-Mort!
- Mort Crocker!
- Mort Crocker, my old buddy!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, huh?
Ah-ha.
(hands slapping)
- Hey buddy!
Hey, hey listen.
How about a drink?
- Great Ed, come on.
- No, no, wait, wait!
My wife's comin', Elanor
Cogan, you remember her.
- Eleanor Cogan is your wife?
- Yeah, right!
- (laughs) So, it was you who
took her away from me, huh?
(audience laughing)
I loved that girl, she
was all I ever wanted!
Drink with you, why...
- No, no, wait, come
on, here she comes now,
Eleanor's comin', come on.
- Hi, honey!
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout that drink, Ed?
I'm buyin'. (audience laughing)
- Mr. Benny, would you
appear nude in a movie?
- I wouldn't even
appear nude in a bathtub.
(audience laughing)
- I'm all for nudity
in the theater,
but it sure makes it
difficult to get to your seat.
- Well!
(whimsical orchestral music)
(brakes screeching)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- (mumbles), this is food,
and you must learn how to eat.
Go ahead, eat, eat,
eat, eat! (laughs)
Well, you've nearly got
it. (audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
(moves into whimsical
orchestral music prelude)
- Here I come!
- Ready or not!
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(blowing)
- Okay Frank, I think
you're practically there,
let's try it again.
(tap dancing)
No, no, no, you dance
like you have two left legs.
- I do have two left legs!
- Another one of my miracles.
(audience laughing)
- You got a cigarette?
- Somehow I knew you
were going to ask. (laughs)
I guess my feminine
intuition. (laughs)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
Mode Mode World
takes a lot at...
(whispering)
- What?
- Could I talk
to you privately?
- Privately?
- Sh, I don't want
anyone to hear us.
- What's the matter
with you, ying yang?
Why, if we're lucky,
there's something like
50 million people
tonight out there
listening to everything we say!
- There are?
- Well of course...
- Busy bodies!
(audience laughing)
Body busys.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Incidentally, that's what our
Mode Mode World's about...
- Busy bodies?
- Isn't it
a coinkydink you
brought it up...
- Coinkydinky busy bodies.
- No, no, the whole Mode World
is about privacy.
(gasping) Sh!
In our highly-populated society,
it's almost impossible
to find yourself alone!
- My sister, Bertha,
found herself a loan,
you see, she went right
down to the bank and asked...
- No, no, I mean alone,
I mean by yourself.
- Well, that's exactly what
was the problem, you know,
she couldn't buy
herself anything
until she got a loan!
- Until she got a loan.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- See, she needed $500,000.00
to plant a couple of
acres of winter wheat.
- 500,000, you don't
need that much money
to plant a couple of
acres of winter wheat!
- Ya do if you wanna plant
'em in mid-town Manhattan!
(audience laughing)
Right near Danny's Hideaway.
- Okay!
Got a little plug in
for Danny there, did ya?
- You never know!
- Yeah, you never know,
give you a little plate of
pasta next time you're in town.
Well, moving right along...
- You oughta see my
sister Bertha's south 40...
- I don't wanna see
her south 40, as I start...
- Biggest silo in town!
(audience laughing)
- As long as I'm
standing here alone,
we might as well get on to
Laugh-In's look at privacy.
(upbeat disco music)
- There's just no
privacy anywhere.
I know the police
are spying on me,
how else would they
know I'm a Peeping Tom?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Listen, my friend's cousin
was walking by George and Alice,
and happened to look
through their big glass window,
and saw them arguing.
- Well that figures.
My boss's secretary was in
the apartment next to theirs,
and overheard George and
Alice arguing though the walls.
- I know, I know,
my mother's neighbor
overheard Alice
on the party line
telling her mother all
about the argument.
- Well then, that proves
that the newspaper
gossip column is correct.
- Yes, but you have to give
Alice and George
a lot of credit,
they are sure keeping
the whole thing a secret.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Sometimes invasion
of privacy goes too far.
I mean, I don't mind the
CIA tapping my phone but,
I think it's goin'
pretty far when you
make me take messages
for the agent when he's out.
(audience laughing)
- Don't talk to
me about privacy.
You know, my new neighbor
is such a snoop, she's terrible!
Today I caught her peeking
at me through the fence.
- Are you sure?
- Well certainly I'm sure!
I spent the whole morning
watching her from my
back bedroom window!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- My boyfriend and I
keep looking for a place
where we can be alone,
but everywhere we go,
we're always together!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The way buildings
are constructed today,
there's hardly
any privacy at all!
- You know honey,
I've been thinking,
let's face it, our
marriage is on the rocks!
- Boy, am I glad
you said it first,
I have been thinking
the same thing!
(audience laughing)
In the last few years
I've come to hate you.
- You've come to hate me?
Ha, how do you
think I feel every night
looking at you in
that sloppy kimono?
- Well, at least
you can look at me!
That's more than I can
do with you, you moron!
- Moron?
You idiot!
- Bone head!
- Half wit!
- Oh, creep!
- [Both] That does it!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I have privacy.
I rented an apartment
with a private sauna,
and it was lovely until Private
Sauna was sent overseas.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- When two
superstars get married,
even they want some
privacy on their honeymoon.
- Oh Elizabeth, my darling,
at last we are wed,
and you are mine.
- Yes, and we're finally alone.
- Yes, alone in our
secret love nest.
Come, I'll show you the view!
- Hold it!
Listen, can I have one
of you two together?
That'd be just terrific!
- Good heavens, Elizabeth!
Quick, let's leave!
- Come on, snuggle
up to him, sweetheart.
- Scoop at True
Secrets Magazine,
how long do you think
it'll last this time? (laughs)
- Richard, Richard, let's leave!
- [Richard] I'll get the coats.
- Hi, I'm Joyce Neighbor,
Polo Star Magazine.
Get that shot, Charlie!
- That's terrible!
- You're right, how about
something a little more intimate?
Say in bed!
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Is it true you two
sleep in the nude?
- Oh, my...
- How does Liz compare
to your other wives?
- Darling, let's go.
- Let's go!
- Quick we'll lock
ourselves in the bathroom!
- Just together, one more shot!
That's it!
(audience laughing)
I don't know, that
started so bad.
- Hi there, Rhonna Garret,
comin' to you directly
form the honeymoon suite.
Now let's see what the stars
really do when they're alone!
Gossip, rumor, libel, slander
Laugh-In's look at your privacy
Fading fast from society
Some poor shnook's
got a naughty grin
Gets his kicks merely looking
In your keyhole
Through your window
Up your chimney
- Gossip, rumor, libel, slander.
Someone's waiting
to tap your phone
Bug your bath
when you're all alone
No one's safe from his scrutiny
Hark this occasion
we've shown the nation
Division of privacy
- I want to be alone.
With a boy (audience laughing)
- There is not truth that Ed
McMahon went on the wagon,
and broke it.
- And there's no
truth to the rumor
that Steve McQueen's
motorcycle has training wheels,
it's an absolute lie!
- Here is a
late-breaking news item.
Due to the continuing
criticism of news coverage,
television executives today
threatened cancellation
of all news broadcasts
on the major networks,
and ABC. (audience laughing)
When asked to comment,
an industry spokesman said,
"At least then the White
House wouldn't have
"network news to
kick around anymore."
- In a few moments,
Herman Melville will be here
to tell us how to peel a whale.
(audience laughing)
- All right, you're
going out on the street,
now here's your hat.
(whimsical orchestral music)
Well, you've nearly got it.
(audience laughing)
- Well folks, you're only
683 commercials
away from my special.
- Well, as they used to say
on the old Tex Ritter Show,
"It's time to say goodnight."
- Ol' Tex Ritter, huh?
- You remember him.
- Yeah, before we do,
I have a word of advice
for the parents of America.
- Well, we have a joke
wall to do and we're...
- I'm sorry, this is important.
- Well hurry up, go ahead.
- All righty.
Parents of America, the
next time you sit down
and have a long, hard
talk to your children,
try having a good
listen while you're at it,
and kids, the same for you.
- Hey, that's very sound
advice, I hadn't any idea
that the parent/child
relationship
was of any interest to you.
- Well you see,
there's this lady parent
who lives in Palm Springs...
- I see, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
and goodnight parents.
- Goodnight everybody!
(audience clapping)
- I always said that marriage
should be 50/50 proposition.
He should be at
least 50 years old,
and have at least
$50,000,000.00.
- I'll tell you why I
decided to call my special
Jack Benny's New Look.
After all, it doesn't
cost anything to look.
- It all depends on
what you're looking for.
- Well!
- I know the birth
control method for women
that's so effective...
- Ah-ha, does have
something to do with an aspirin?
(laughing)
Gotcha Henry!
- Are you going home?
- No, I just put my hat on.
- What do you get if you cross
an aging sailor with a duck?
- A salt quacker. (laughs)
- That's plaster!
- [Byron] Hey Arte!
- Yeah?
- Do you like the new
see-through dresses?
- No, I never give
'em a 10th look.
- With all this crime going on,
what can a girl do
to protect herself?
- Well Ruth, the
only think I can think
is to get her arms fixed!
(audience laughing)
- [Alan] Or have
her take an aspirin!
- Have her take an aspirin, hey,
boy did I get
polluted last night!
- You, drinking?
- No, I went
swimming in Lake Erie!
(audience laughing)
- My Uncle Rudy...
- [Alan] You're not
s'posed to read 'em Ruth!
- I can't remember it...
- [Jo Anne] No reading, Ruth!
- My Uncle Rudy just
had an awful accident,
he fell into the lake and
was stuck up to his ankles!
- Lake Erie?
- No, he went in head first!
(audience laughing)
- Dan!
- Yeah, hello Goldie.
- What do you get if you,
when you cross, thank you...
- If you cross.
- Lawrence Welk
with Kate Kennedy?
- Lawrence Welk
with Kate Kennedy, I don't
know, what do you get?
- You get a countdown
that goes ah-three,
and A and Z, and away you walk.
(audience laughing)
- As, excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas.
As Clement Ainsworth once
said about the Supreme Court,
"I'll be the judge of that!"
(audience laughing)
- I came back!
(laughing)
- Was that Peter Lawford, oh!
Alan!
(audience laughing)
Alan, Alan!
- This is a jungle back here!
(audience laughing)
- Alan, did you hear...
- Stop it now Peter,
this is on camera!
(audience laughing)
- Alan, did you hear about
the happy Siamese twin?
- You bet your booties! (laughs)
What about 'em?
- She was just
beside herself with joy!
(audience laughing)
- Am I glad to see you. (laughs)
(laughing)
- Hey Goldie!
- [Goldie] What?
- Knock, knock.
- Ah, knock, who's there?
- Little ol' lady.
- (laughs) Little ol' lady who?
- Why Goldie, I didn't
know you could yodel!
- I can't yodel Goldie,
but I know a little
ol' lady who can!
(audience laughing)
- I say Goldie, Goldie, Goldie!
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Your hoodle haddle.
- Your hoodle haddle who?
- I didn't know you could yodel!
- We just did that.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
(whimsical drum music)
(monkey squeaking)
(cheering)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Sissy!
(laughing)
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Oh!
Don't I know you
from that other thing?
- Do you have a cigarette?
- Well yes, as a
matter of fact I do.
Here you are, sir.
- Could I have the coupon?
- What do you mean,
you save the coupon?
- Most certainly, how do you
think I got this swell bench?
(audience laughing)
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
so that I could tell you
about letters to
Laugh-In right now.
Letters to Laugh-In
is pre-recorded
to be seen every Monday
through Friday on NBC at four,
3:00 Central, 2:30
on the West Coast,
and a partridge in a pear tree.
- What does Himmel
(speaks foreign language),
it's not that interesting.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
I didn't understand
a word she said,
but when she says it,
(laughs), who cares?
It's very interesting! (laughs)
Ooh, I'm coming you adorable
little Hungarian jewel thief!
(audience laughing)
Ooh, I'm gonna
touch your blonde hair!
(whimsical techno music)
(single person clapping)
(door squeaking)
(single person clapping)
(NBC theme music)
(single person clapping)
following program
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
- Oh, Engelbert Humperdinck,
would you give me an autograph?
- Where, Ruth?
- All over!
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, Henry.
Do you have a quarter
for a cup of coffee?
- Oh sure, Mr. Benny.
- Here.
- Thanks,
and here's your coffee.
(audience laughing)
- Miss St. John,
can you suggest anything
to make me more attractive?
- No.
(audience laughing)
- What?
Nah, she didn't say that.
- Miss St. John, I'm gonna
give you one more chance,
now can you suggest anything
that will make me
more attractive?
- Well um, gee Gladys, um...
Maybe a different color hairnet?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah,
that's what she said.
- And as for a quickie week,
has only three days in it,
Monday, Tuesday and April.
- Speaking of
quickies, let's look in
and see what's
happening in the office.
(upbeat whimsical music)
- [Secretaries]
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
The office, the office
A nine to fiver's office
A place we file and type a lot
They wheel and
deal and swipe a lot
We work here We play here
We primp all week long
The office is our second home
- At the water cooler!
The office is our second home
- On your coffee break!
The office is our second home
- Typing, typing, bing!
- Typing, typing, bing!
- [All] Here come the
boss, here come the boss,
order in the office,
here come the boss!
- Miss Hawn?
- Yes?
- What did you do with
all those computer cards?
- Oh, I threw them all out,
they were all
full of little holes.
(audience laughing)
- Marilyn, do you think
the boss likes a
little nip on the side?
- (chuckles) Well, I don't
know about that, George,
but every once and a while
he'll try a little pat
on the cheek. (laughs)
Hey, Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Honey, would you like to
go out for a coffee break?
- Okay, but if you just
wait a minute till
I finish my coffee.
- I'm taking up a collection,
Marge is having a baby.
- Oh good, what does she need?
- Well for one thing, she
needs a marriage license.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, was the boss surprised
when his wife showed up!
- Well so was I, she
was lookin' for me!
(audience laughing)
- Oh boy, oh boy!
Oh boy, do you
know what? (laughs)
Our boss really
keeps late hours,
last night he didn't get me
home until three in the morning.
Boy, oh boy. (audience laughing)
- I don't know why they
call this take home pay,
it hardly pays to take it home.
- You know, the boss
has just provided the guys
with two good reasons for
coming to the office early.
Topless receptionist.
- Well, what's the other reason?
- Once an accountant,
always an accountant.
- There's something
wrong with my stapler,
every time I hit it, a little
piece of wire comes out.
(audience laughing)
- Miss Jones.
- Oh, yes.
- I notice you leaving a
little early every evening.
- Oh yes, but don't
forget I make up for it
by coming in late every morning.
(audience laughing)
- How about going
out for a coffee break?
- No thanks, Goldie,
it keeps me awake.
- Our new computer
functions exactly
like a human being,
the day the World Series
opened, it called in sick.
(audience laughing)
- I just talked to
an efficiency expert,
now everybody in here whose job
can be duplicated by a
machine, is dismissed!
- [All] Oh, well!
- Not so fast, Miss Raskin.
(audience laughing)
We work here We play here
We never will roll
The office is our second home
- Here's the Welcome Wagon!
The office is our second home
- What a lousy paycheck!
The office Is our second home
- [All] Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
Typing, typing, bing!
- What, get outta show business?
(audience laughing)
- [All] Typing, typing.
- From the back room
of Benny's Beanery
and Firework Factory
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
In defiance of
thousands of requests,
NBC once again presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
Starring the former Dan Rowan.
The recently-titled
Dame Richard Martin.
Tonight's surprise guest will
not be announced until later,
but he looks a lot like
the singer, actor, dancer,
and almost unpronounceable,
Englebert Humperdinck.
(audience laughing)
- Englebert Humperdinck.
- Was that a quickie?
- Plus, these delightful
doo-doos, Arte Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne,
Henry Gibson, Goldie
Hawn, and Alan Sues.
And sure relief for blocked
sinus cavities, Jo Anne Worley.
And for the very first time
anywhere, Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rodgers, Jeremy
Lloyd, Byron Gilliam.
- Engelbert Humperdinck.
- That's not a quickie.
Nevertheless, Gary Owens
could not be here tonight,
due to the commitment
on Letters to Laugh-In.
Morgle the friendly threll
will be back from
the drone convention
in Philidrobia next week.
Now, a word to the wise.
Should a gentleman
offer a lady a gotcha?
- A gotcha?
- Gotcha! (screaming)
(audience laughing)
- If that warmed the
cockles of your heart,
this one will lift you
right outta your seat!
(upbeat orchestral prelude)
- Engle.
- Bert.
- Humper.
- Dinck!
(audience laughing)
- AM and FM.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- And now folks,
here's sweethearts
without further
adieu-doo-doo, doo,
here's two doo-doos, Dan
Rowan, and Dick Doo-doo.
(audience clapping)
(upbeat theme music intro)
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Oh!
- We've got have
some kinda order here!
- Yes, you're gonna
have to restrain yourselves,
but in the moon team,
good evening!
- Oh, in the mine tomb.
- Hey, you look a
little tired tonight.
- Well, I've been in training.
- Been in training?
I'm glad to hear that,
what are you in training for?
- Well, didn't I tell ya?
I got a black belt in gotcha.
(audience laughing)
- You got a black
belt in gotcha?
- Sure, look over there.
Gotcha! (gasping)
(audience laughing)
See what I mean?
- Oh yeah, gee that's great.
- Oh, thank you, it's a
result of rigorous training,
hours of clutching,
grabbing, squeezing.
- Sounds pretty tough.
- Exhausting!
I never knew how
strong a girl could be!
- There's a girl in the class?
- No, there's 12.
- Oh, the rest of the
students must like that!
- I certainly do! (laughs)
- Take a long time
to learn gotcha?
- Oh yeah, you know
there's a beginner's gotcha,
intermediate gotcha,
and then there's
advanced gotcha.
- Oh, I see.
- I went right to advanced.
- I can imagine,
head of the class!
- Well not really,
but the instructor did
say I was a natural.
- I would say so.
Hey, look over there!
- (laughs) No, you
think I'm stupid?
If I look over there,
you'll gimme a gotcha.
- Yeah, look over where?
- Over there.
- Gotcha!
(screaming) (audience laughing)
- No fair, you
been takin' lessons!
- Gotcha! (screaming)
(audience laughing)
- While Dick's
running for his life,
we'll have time
for a few quickies.
- Here come da quickie.
- My, wasn't that
a delicious meal, dear?
- Oh, it was all right.
- Oh, aren't you glad
I forced you to...
- I shoulda
had the big dinner.
- (chuckles) Now, let's see
what our fortune
cookies say, okay honey?
- Oh see what your...
- I've got mine!
And it says, "Trouble and
care won't bother you long.
"Your husband just
poisoned your egg foo young."
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
- See ya around, fatso.
(audience laughing)
- In my day, quickies
were much quicker.
- You can say that again!
- In my day, quickies
were much quicker.
- Look at me.
Silver in my hair,
teeth full of gold,
taking iron shots, what
can I do for my family?
- Well, when you go,
why don't you leave
'em the mineral rights?
(audience laughing)
(ball hitting)
(breaks squeaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
- President Q, I
am happy to report
we have cancelled the elections,
shot down another newspaper,
and locked up the outspoken
critics of our government.
- Good, now we can proceed
with our fight for democracy.
(audience laughing)
- I love those quickies.
(audience laughing)
- Your usual, sir?
(audience laughing)
- What was that?
- That was Flairity.
- The bar just opened, how
did he get loaded already?
- Well, you know what they say,
Flairity begins at home.
(audience laughing)
- A beautiful statement, to you!
(sonic booming)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(gun firing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Oh, you poor man!
It's a good thing you
still can communicate
by blinking your
eyelid in Morse Code.
Oh, wait let me copy it!
(chuckles) Well, Mr. Diangelous,
you are getting better!
I'll have you up and around
in no time, you rascal!
Here we go.
I.
Got.
Something.
In.
My.
Eye. (audience laughing)
- Is a feathered
quickie a quackie?
- Call for Phyllis Norris!
Call for Phyllis Norris!
- Over here! (coughs)
Right here. (coughs)
(audience laughing)
(high-pitched whistling)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- That wasn't quick, I
guess it was just cheap.
(audience laughing)
- Listen you guys.
- What is it?
- That machine gun's
really got us pinned down.
Somebody's gotta go get it.
You cover me.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
Is that okay?
- Oh, that's great.
- Well, so much for
tonight's quickies.
- Oh darn!
Maybe next week.
Turn the gorilla loose!
(audience laughing)
- That's the way
the quickie crumbles.
- Personally, I've
always preferred slowies.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(excited chattering)
This is Uncle Al
The kiddie's pal
Hello little friends, hello
Uncle Al had a lotta
medicine last night,
and he might have to have
a little injection
during the day. (laughs)
Well kiddies, it's time
to make pretty music,
so let's open up the
Uncle Al fun case.
(kids clapping and cheering)
- [Little Girl] What do
we have today, Uncle Al?
- I'll tell you in a
minute, Melissa.
- [Melissa] I wanna know now!
- I bet you do.
- [Little Boy] Come on
Al, I got a cab waiting.
(audience laughing)
- And then you're going
to see how you make pretty
Betty bottles into merry music
by giving them a
little tap, so let's sing.
This is a (bottle breaking)
(audience laughing)
Get Miss Twinkle on the phone!
Well, that's it for
today, everyone.
This was Uncle
Al The kiddies' pal
By little fans, bye, bye
(whimsical orchestral music)
(blowing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Up-Up, up, up, up!
(laughing)
I've made you just
like a hunam being.
You're just like you're my son,
well, what are your first words?
- Hey Dad, could I have
the keys to the hearse?
- Oh, another slob!
(audience laughing)
- Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you have a cigarette?
- Hold on.
Yes, yes I do.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I've got a special coming
up this Wednesday called
Jack Benny's New
Look, you wanna see it?
(audience laughing)
- Well!
(audience laughing)
(whimsical music overture)
- Chimp.
- Pampcie.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(blowing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- (groans) Dad, can I
have the car tonight?
- Milhouse you stupid,
you don't know how to drive!
- I don't wanna
drive, I wanna eat it.
(audience laughing)
- Pardon me, ma'am.
(whimsical orchestral music)
You got a cigarette?
- Well of course!
What do you think this is?
- Just what the world needs,
another rich smart alec.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- All right, Goldie.
How would you pronounce
Engelbert Humperdinck backwards?
- It's already backwards!
(audience laughing)
On Plymouth Rock
the pilgrims made a vow
Inspiring words we'd
like to sing right now
Watch the news
across the nation, bang
We have got the
information, bang
In a way, bang, bang
We hope will
amuse, two, three four
You two, three,
four We just love
Bang, bang To give you our views
Two, three, four
Bang-bang, bang-bang
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Here's Dan, bang
(audience clapping)
(excited chattering)
- And now, here's the
man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
the man who's had more
turkeys than anybody we know,
here's Dickie!
(audience clapping,
cheering and whistling)
- Made it!
Dateline, I don't
know what that means,
I just thought I'd throw it in.
Dr. Elias Phipps of
Durban, South Africa,
today performed the
first tongue transplant.
Dr. Phipps refused
to take personal credit
for the surgical
accomplishment saying,
"The operation would
speak for itself." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
City taxpayers reacted
unfavorably today
when 300 militant
welfare recipients
demanded a marked
increase in financial aid.
"Either we get what we want,"
spokesman for the
group threatened,
"or we go out in a body,
and get jobs." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Two, three, four.
(audience laughing)
Conservationists
already disturbed
over the systematic
elimination of public lands said,
"Secretary of Interior
Hickel went too far today
"when he announced
plans to build a freeway
"through Bert Parks." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Hold it, hold it, Jack!
Hold it, Jack, or Eddie!
Okay, take it away Goldie.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the news
of the future here's...
- Come on Goldie,
you know my name.
- Gimme a hint.
Oh Danny boy the pipes
The pipes are calling
- Give another hint.
From glen to glen - Glen Glenn!
Here he is, Glen Glenn!
(audience laughing)
Go get 'em, Danny boy!
- New York 1989,
20 years from now,
this week pay television
completed its first full year
of intellectual programming,
consisting entirely
of concerts, lectures
and documentaries.
Industry spokesman announced,
"Gross income for the year
had easily exceeded $3.87."
Sun City, Arizona
1989, 20 years from now,
the reunion of the original
cast of Hair took place today
with an anniversary
performance of the show.
Speaking for the cast,
the 73 year-old lead,
Charlie Kahn, said,
"We may be old,
"but we can still show
'em a few new wrinkles."
(audience laughing)
Washington, DC 1989,
20 years from now,
the nation's
controversial draft system
was finally replaced today
by the long-awaited lottery.
When General Melvin Laird III
drew several names at
random from the fish bowl,
the winners were sent to
Fort Dix for Basic Training,
General Laird III was
sent to Leavenworth
for gambling without a license.
(audience laughing)
- I wonder if it's too late
to use that on my show?
Eh! (audience laughing)
- And now Laugh-In
jumps back 200 years
to spend a moment with
our Founding Fathers,
Thomas Jefferson and
George Washington.
- Well, how are you coming
with the constitution, Tom?
- Oh good, General
Washington, good.
Say, how does this hit you?
"All citizens shall
have the right
"to maintain and bear arms."
- No, no I'm afraid
that won't do.
You see, then every
nut in the country
will be running
around with a gun.
I think it should read,
"The militia shall have
"the right to bear
and maintain arms."
- Very well, but
200 years from now,
who's going to remember?
(audience laughing)
- Hi there, government folk!
Pam Rodgers, your
man in Washington,
just back from an afternoon
with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Ooh, I'd tell you what
happened but everyone knows
those staff meetings
are top secret.
(audience laughing)
See you!
Adjourn, sweeties!
(gavel knocking)
(audience laughing)
- All right sports boosters,
here comes the biggest
booster of them all, Big Al.
On your mark,
get set, go Big Al,
and he certainly is!
- Hi, Big Al here,
swatting my bird
around the old badminton ring.
(bell tinkling)
Featurette! (bell tinkling)
Oh, that was a grade-A tinkle.
I know you're simply
dying to know the results
of the West Coast
Hopscotch meet.
The hopping was
nothing, but the Scotch!
(audience laughing)
Delicious, oh my head.
Well, next week we're going
Gin Rummy-ing, or whatever.
(chuckles) Tah-tah!
- Big Al, you wanna
try on my pilgrim shoes?
Come on, honey!
- Oh, look
at that little devil!
- [All] Two, three, four.
Bang, bang, bang-bang,
ooh Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
Bang, bang, two, three, four
- If the praying mantis prays,
and the click beetle
clicks, oh to be a lady bug!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, son of a gun,
that was a quickie!
- So was that!
- It's true, I've had
five different husbands.
But wouldn't it be idiotic
to have five husbands
all the same?
- Now, that was a quickie.
- And now, what was the
most-asked question of the week?
- The most asked
question this week was
"What was the largest
kidney stone ever removed."
- And the answer is...
- A 28-pound kidney stone
removed from a Mr. Sam Weissboard.
And now, the second
most-asked question was...
- What is the loudest
sound ever heard on Earth?
And the answer is,
the loudest sound
on Earth ever heard
was made by a Sam Weissboard
when they removed that
28-pound kidney stone.
(audience laughing)
- Well gentlemen, if Goodie
Cigarette sales are to survive,
we're going to have
to do something
to sell 'em to the public,
and we're going
to have to do it fast.
- Well, we've been experimenting
with mice down
at the laboratory.
- Yeah?
- [Dick] Okay, bring him in.
(audience laughing)
- Hi!
I've been smoking Goodie
Cigarettes for 50 years.
I find it a milder,
and smoother,
with just a little hint of...
(audience laughing)
- Oh well, I don't
think people would of
taken the word of a moldy
mouse over these health nuts
that are bad-mouthing cigarettes
anyway, now do something!
- How 'bout the
sophisticated approach?
- All right.
- All right, Lance! (claps)
- Hello, hello, hello!
I want to tell you that
my social life really swings
since I've shifted to
Goodie Cigarettes.
After all, what girl can resist
a man who gives her a Goodie?
(audience laughing)
(inhales) Hello...
(audience laughing)
- We're not doing anything
to help fight the health scare,
we're in big trouble!
- Hold it, Chief!
You know, the
boys in advertising
have one more card to play,
this one'll really boost sales!
(knocks) Okay, bring her in!
Remember Goodie
Cigarettes are good for you
At least smoking and coughing
Gives you something
to do (coughing)
- Very good!
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
- Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.
- Berabba, berabba.
Hi there, I haven't seen
you on the lily pads before.
- Ribbit, ribbit.
I'm new in this pond, what
do you say we get together?
Ribbit.
- Berabbab.
Groovy, your pad or mine?
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(bones creaking)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
(energetic orchestral
music) (blowing)
- Agh! (audience laughing)
- Pardon me, ma'am.
- Oh dear.
- Got a cigarette?
(sighing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Help yourself, young man.
- Thank you.
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
- Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat.
- And I say if you believe
you can be healed,
now come forth and be healed!
Oh, I see you have
rheumatism, my friend.
Open your hands!
- I can't!
I can't!
- Then kneel down, my friend.
Oh spirits within me,
ease this woman's rheumatism
so that her hands
shall be healed!
Now!
Open your hands!
- (gasps) Oh, I'm healed!
I'm healed!
- There friend!
Now get up and rejoice!
- I can't! (audience laughing)
I can't!
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
My kind of town Chicago is
- Ribbit.
- Diarp.
- Ribbit. (audience laughing)
(energetic whimsical
orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- [All] Oh!
- Henry!
Happy birthday!
- I created you, I
breathed life into you.
- Do you have to put
garlic on everything?
- Hi.
- Oh, dear!
- Can I, certainly would
enjoy a cigarette after dinner.
- Well, here.
- Thank you.
- But where's your dinner?
- I was just comin' to
that, can I borrow $5.00?
(audience laughing)
- Dumb bum!
(audience laughing)
(energetic disco music)
- Mr. Humperdinck?
- Hmm?
- Would you sing a song for me?
- I will, if you recite a poem.
- Sure.
Oh Englebert Humperdinck,
when you drive,
does your bumper clink?
(audience laughing)
- Come on, it's
time for the party.
- Not yet, we're
planning a surprise.
- For whom?
- For Dan, but don't tell him.
- Well you just did, ya doo-doo!
- All right, but don't
let on you know
when we get there. (laughs)
- Come on, let's
go to the party.
- The surprise party.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Well what's this,
there's nobody here.
- Surprise!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I went to the
Artist's Ball last week
and danced with my favorite
models, I was a sensation!
No one has ever
seen anyone Tango
with two apples, a bowl,
and a daffodil! (claps)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Jeremy?
- Yes?
- Over here in America
we call a man who is
short-sighted myopic.
What do you call such
a man in England?
- The Prime Minister!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Boris's wife called last
night and demanded a divorce.
He was so upset, he could
hardly get back to sleep,
I mean rolling and
tossing. (audience laughing)
He told me about
it this morning.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The Lord created heaven
and earth in just six days.
If he hadn't rested
on the Sabbath,
he might even of
finished Burbank.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Last week I auditioned for
the producer of a nude play.
Now, I know why I had
to take my clothes off,
but I still don't
understand why he did!
Not to mention the ushers,
and the parking lot attendants,
and a cute little old cleaning
man who was too much!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- My daughter-in-law
wrote her mother
and told her that I was a
meddlin' old busy-body!
Now, I never woulda known
if I hadn't steamed
that letter open!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Well, there's nothing like
Thanksgiving with relations.
- Oh, and to think I wasted
the whole day with my family!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Roz Manco.
- It's good seeing you.
- What's the national
sport in your country?
- Well, in old country we no
longer have it, national sport.
Yeah, the government
sent her to Siberia.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
Hey, Goldie You
want a cookie Teresa
(laughing)
- You know what, you're
much fatter this year
than you were last year.
(laughing)
- I got married!
- I know, that's why I like you!
Listen, Teresa.
- Mmm hmm.
- Do you think they should
continue the poverty program?
- Don't ask me, I
never watch ABC.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
(audience clapping)
- Mr. Humperdinck?
- Mmm hmm.
- Do you know the first
eight bars of San Francisco?
- Let's see, it's Tiny's
Tavern, Big Eddie's...
(audience laughing)
- Oh, let's hear it
folks, he's one of us!
(audience laughing)
- That's the worst
joke I've ever heard.
- If I become a cheerleader,
I'll be Zsa Zsa Shish-boom-bah.
- Correction, that's the
worst joke I've ever heard.
(audience laughing)
(dramatic orchestral prelude)
Oh yeah
- Oh, you're in good
voice tonight, Harvey.
As Rowan and Martin used to say,
"It's time once
again for our famous
"Flying Fickle
Finger of Fate award."
- And who gets the
jolly jabber tonight?
- Well, it's going to
Congressman BF Sisk,
and six of his colleagues, who,
according to the United
Press International
are being sent by the House
Public Works Committee
on an investigating trip.
They're going to study,
among other things,
roads and highways...
- Well, that's good!
- In Africa.
- That's bad!
Africa?
- That's right.
Ethiopia, Kenya,
Uganda, Tanzania,
Zanzibar, Egypt, the Congo.
- That's Africa, all right!
- Nice of you to mention it.
The trip begins with five days
at the African Highway
Conference, and will last one month.
- Sure it will!
Those African
highways are murder.
- No, no, no, they don't spend
the whole month in Africa,
they're also goin' to Greece,
and Italy, Spain, Israel,
and London.
- Well, if you wanna
study African highways,
London's the place to do it!
- Shrewd thinking!
- Huh?
- Congressman Sisk says, quote,
if we don't go and observe
and find out what's goin' on,
then certainly we could
be missing a bet, unquote.
- Well, here's a bet you won't
be missing, Congressman.
- That's right.
- We'll just send this to you
and your six
colleagues in care of
the House of
Representatives marked
hold for arrival.
- That's right,
and I'm sure you'll
find a way to use it
somewhere along the road.
(audience laughing)
- Tune in next week, folks,
when the Flying
Fickle Finger of Fate,
or the Articulated Tickler,
goes to the packaging industry
for making those
indestructible aluminum cans,
that are so much a part
of the American scene.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(table crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Good evening.
- Oh!
- Do you have a cigarette?
- Oh!
Why yes, I do.
(sizzling) (audience laughing)
(laughs) Gotcha!
(audience laughing)
- Gotcha!
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
- Toy boat, toy boat...
(audience laughing)
Big ship, big ship,
big ship, big ship.
(audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
- Doo-doo.
Oh, what was it?
Line to come. (laughs)
- Are you satisfied?
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Why yes.
What am I?
- Well, you started out
as a cut-up, you know.
(audience laughing)
- Well you know, I don't wanna
be just another pretty face.
- We'll do your mouth,
don't worry, don't worry.
- Good evening.
You got a cigarette?
- Well, yes I do
as a matter of fact.
- Have you got a light?
- Hmm?
- A light?
- Oh, certainly!
Here you go.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Engelbert Humperdinck
will not appear tonight
because he was
caught in a wind storm,
and flogged to death
by his sideburns.
- Tell me, Engelbert,
may I call you Engelbert?
- Sure, yes.
- How do you like
it here in America?
- About the same
way as I like it at home.
(audience laughing)
One lump, no cream.
- (claps) Coulda fooled me!
- On my show this Wednesday,
even the commercials
are funnier than that.
(audience laughing)
Wishing bird on my shoulder
I feel it wishing there
There's a wishing
bird on my shoulder
Pecking away at my hair
(mellow flute music)
- Miss Ormsby.
(mellow flute music)
You are a creature
of sheer delight.
Oh, ah, ah, ah!
Peace.
(audience laughing)
If I have offended
you, I'm sorry.
If my deep infatuation
of your maddening beauty
has led me to misbehave,
forgive me.
(mellow flute music)
If indeed, I have
been a nuisance,
I am desolate.
I go now, dear lady,
perhaps never to return.
(mellow flute music)
(singing softly)
Perhaps never to feast
my eyes on you again.
(humming softly)
Perhaps to give you
one last gotcha! (gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Well Dick, it's
time for Potpourri.
- Pot Pourri!
- No, you know,
a lotta little scraps.
- Hey, you know that's why
my uncle and aunt
almost got divorced.
- A lotta little scraps?
- Ah yeah, you see
when they got married,
they promised they'd
share responsibilities,
and she had 15 children...
- So?
- Well, she just feels
that it's his turn now.
- Well, that's ridiculous,
a man can't have babies.
- Well, I kinda think
my uncle already has,
my aunt keeps sayin'
"Six of 'em are his."
See, he was married before.
- Well, I'm glad to hear
that, but I must admit,
it must be a lotta work for
a girl taking care of 15 kids.
- Think how the dog felt!
- The dog?
- Well sure, with all
those mouths to feed,
all he got was little scraps.
- Ah ha! (audience laughing)
You know, that reminds
me of something,
and I can't think what it was.
- Well, we must go
on with Pot Pourri.
- In criminal cases of late,
judge and jury have
often found it necessary
to hold court at the scene
of the alleged offense
in order to render
an objective verdict.
- Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
First District Court of Elkins
County is now in session.
His Honor Alan Zelkin
presiding, everyone please rise.
(audience laughing)
(beer stein banging)
- This court is in
special session.
We're meeting
here on the premises
of the Pink Pussywillow Club
to observe and
evaluate topless blondes,
and (talks gibberish)
with indecent exposure.
Let me apologize to the jurors
for exposing them
to the embarrassment
of witnessing a
shameless exhibition
of a dubious nature, let
the preceding commence.
(mellow burlesque music)
One final caution,
this court will tolerate
no levity or unseemly display
above all I say, I love you!
- Complete silence and
now, Mr. And Mrs. Bono,
Mr. and Mrs. Bono,
the final question
for the grand prize on the
Honeymoon Game, ready?
Here it goes, what was the
color of Napoleon's horse?
You have exactly 10
seconds, 10 seconds!
(musical click ticking)
- Yeah, white!
- White, white!
- White, you're
absolutely correct!
(screaming excitedly)
- Congratulations,
(claps), congratulations!
You have won the Honeymoon Game,
and here's a list
of your prizes.
- Oh what, what?
- A $2,300.00 lawn mower.
A honeymoon trip to Hawaii.
- Oh!
- [MC] $78,000.00 houseboat.
- Oh!
- 500 pounds of Virginia ham,
and a silver service
for 1200 people!
Ski equipment for three,
a giant tropical
fish tank for six,
and six giant tropical fish.
Ahem, here we go
again, I think of the swell,
five-gallon tank of water!
(screaming) (audience laughing)
Yes, and tune in tomorrow folks,
for another session of
the Honeymoon Game!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Ed...
- Yeah, Cos...
- Ed Cock.
- Cosgrove!
- Cosgrove!
(laughing)
After 20 years!
- Oh, M-Mort!
- Mort Crocker!
- Mort Crocker, my old buddy!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, huh?
Ah-ha.
(hands slapping)
- Hey buddy!
Hey, hey listen.
How about a drink?
- Great Ed, come on.
- No, no, wait, wait!
My wife's comin', Elanor
Cogan, you remember her.
- Eleanor Cogan is your wife?
- Yeah, right!
- (laughs) So, it was you who
took her away from me, huh?
(audience laughing)
I loved that girl, she
was all I ever wanted!
Drink with you, why...
- No, no, wait, come
on, here she comes now,
Eleanor's comin', come on.
- Hi, honey!
(audience laughing)
- How 'bout that drink, Ed?
I'm buyin'. (audience laughing)
- Mr. Benny, would you
appear nude in a movie?
- I wouldn't even
appear nude in a bathtub.
(audience laughing)
- I'm all for nudity
in the theater,
but it sure makes it
difficult to get to your seat.
- Well!
(whimsical orchestral music)
(brakes screeching)
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
- (mumbles), this is food,
and you must learn how to eat.
Go ahead, eat, eat,
eat, eat! (laughs)
Well, you've nearly got
it. (audience laughing)
(whimsical orchestral
music finale)
(moves into whimsical
orchestral music prelude)
- Here I come!
- Ready or not!
(whimsical orchestral music)
(audience laughing)
(blowing)
- Okay Frank, I think
you're practically there,
let's try it again.
(tap dancing)
No, no, no, you dance
like you have two left legs.
- I do have two left legs!
- Another one of my miracles.
(audience laughing)
- You got a cigarette?
- Somehow I knew you
were going to ask. (laughs)
I guess my feminine
intuition. (laughs)
(whimsical orchestral
music) (audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
Mode Mode World
takes a lot at...
(whispering)
- What?
- Could I talk
to you privately?
- Privately?
- Sh, I don't want
anyone to hear us.
- What's the matter
with you, ying yang?
Why, if we're lucky,
there's something like
50 million people
tonight out there
listening to everything we say!
- There are?
- Well of course...
- Busy bodies!
(audience laughing)
Body busys.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Incidentally, that's what our
Mode Mode World's about...
- Busy bodies?
- Isn't it
a coinkydink you
brought it up...
- Coinkydinky busy bodies.
- No, no, the whole Mode World
is about privacy.
(gasping) Sh!
In our highly-populated society,
it's almost impossible
to find yourself alone!
- My sister, Bertha,
found herself a loan,
you see, she went right
down to the bank and asked...
- No, no, I mean alone,
I mean by yourself.
- Well, that's exactly what
was the problem, you know,
she couldn't buy
herself anything
until she got a loan!
- Until she got a loan.
(laughing) (audience laughing)
- See, she needed $500,000.00
to plant a couple of
acres of winter wheat.
- 500,000, you don't
need that much money
to plant a couple of
acres of winter wheat!
- Ya do if you wanna plant
'em in mid-town Manhattan!
(audience laughing)
Right near Danny's Hideaway.
- Okay!
Got a little plug in
for Danny there, did ya?
- You never know!
- Yeah, you never know,
give you a little plate of
pasta next time you're in town.
Well, moving right along...
- You oughta see my
sister Bertha's south 40...
- I don't wanna see
her south 40, as I start...
- Biggest silo in town!
(audience laughing)
- As long as I'm
standing here alone,
we might as well get on to
Laugh-In's look at privacy.
(upbeat disco music)
- There's just no
privacy anywhere.
I know the police
are spying on me,
how else would they
know I'm a Peeping Tom?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Listen, my friend's cousin
was walking by George and Alice,
and happened to look
through their big glass window,
and saw them arguing.
- Well that figures.
My boss's secretary was in
the apartment next to theirs,
and overheard George and
Alice arguing though the walls.
- I know, I know,
my mother's neighbor
overheard Alice
on the party line
telling her mother all
about the argument.
- Well then, that proves
that the newspaper
gossip column is correct.
- Yes, but you have to give
Alice and George
a lot of credit,
they are sure keeping
the whole thing a secret.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- Sometimes invasion
of privacy goes too far.
I mean, I don't mind the
CIA tapping my phone but,
I think it's goin'
pretty far when you
make me take messages
for the agent when he's out.
(audience laughing)
- Don't talk to
me about privacy.
You know, my new neighbor
is such a snoop, she's terrible!
Today I caught her peeking
at me through the fence.
- Are you sure?
- Well certainly I'm sure!
I spent the whole morning
watching her from my
back bedroom window!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- My boyfriend and I
keep looking for a place
where we can be alone,
but everywhere we go,
we're always together!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- The way buildings
are constructed today,
there's hardly
any privacy at all!
- You know honey,
I've been thinking,
let's face it, our
marriage is on the rocks!
- Boy, am I glad
you said it first,
I have been thinking
the same thing!
(audience laughing)
In the last few years
I've come to hate you.
- You've come to hate me?
Ha, how do you
think I feel every night
looking at you in
that sloppy kimono?
- Well, at least
you can look at me!
That's more than I can
do with you, you moron!
- Moron?
You idiot!
- Bone head!
- Half wit!
- Oh, creep!
- [Both] That does it!
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- I have privacy.
I rented an apartment
with a private sauna,
and it was lovely until Private
Sauna was sent overseas.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat disco music)
- When two
superstars get married,
even they want some
privacy on their honeymoon.
- Oh Elizabeth, my darling,
at last we are wed,
and you are mine.
- Yes, and we're finally alone.
- Yes, alone in our
secret love nest.
Come, I'll show you the view!
- Hold it!
Listen, can I have one
of you two together?
That'd be just terrific!
- Good heavens, Elizabeth!
Quick, let's leave!
- Come on, snuggle
up to him, sweetheart.
- Scoop at True
Secrets Magazine,
how long do you think
it'll last this time? (laughs)
- Richard, Richard, let's leave!
- [Richard] I'll get the coats.
- Hi, I'm Joyce Neighbor,
Polo Star Magazine.
Get that shot, Charlie!
- That's terrible!
- You're right, how about
something a little more intimate?
Say in bed!
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Is it true you two
sleep in the nude?
- Oh, my...
- How does Liz compare
to your other wives?
- Darling, let's go.
- Let's go!
- Quick we'll lock
ourselves in the bathroom!
- Just together, one more shot!
That's it!
(audience laughing)
I don't know, that
started so bad.
- Hi there, Rhonna Garret,
comin' to you directly
form the honeymoon suite.
Now let's see what the stars
really do when they're alone!
Gossip, rumor, libel, slander
Laugh-In's look at your privacy
Fading fast from society
Some poor shnook's
got a naughty grin
Gets his kicks merely looking
In your keyhole
Through your window
Up your chimney
- Gossip, rumor, libel, slander.
Someone's waiting
to tap your phone
Bug your bath
when you're all alone
No one's safe from his scrutiny
Hark this occasion
we've shown the nation
Division of privacy
- I want to be alone.
With a boy (audience laughing)
- There is not truth that Ed
McMahon went on the wagon,
and broke it.
- And there's no
truth to the rumor
that Steve McQueen's
motorcycle has training wheels,
it's an absolute lie!
- Here is a
late-breaking news item.
Due to the continuing
criticism of news coverage,
television executives today
threatened cancellation
of all news broadcasts
on the major networks,
and ABC. (audience laughing)
When asked to comment,
an industry spokesman said,
"At least then the White
House wouldn't have
"network news to
kick around anymore."
- In a few moments,
Herman Melville will be here
to tell us how to peel a whale.
(audience laughing)
- All right, you're
going out on the street,
now here's your hat.
(whimsical orchestral music)
Well, you've nearly got it.
(audience laughing)
- Well folks, you're only
683 commercials
away from my special.
- Well, as they used to say
on the old Tex Ritter Show,
"It's time to say goodnight."
- Ol' Tex Ritter, huh?
- You remember him.
- Yeah, before we do,
I have a word of advice
for the parents of America.
- Well, we have a joke
wall to do and we're...
- I'm sorry, this is important.
- Well hurry up, go ahead.
- All righty.
Parents of America, the
next time you sit down
and have a long, hard
talk to your children,
try having a good
listen while you're at it,
and kids, the same for you.
- Hey, that's very sound
advice, I hadn't any idea
that the parent/child
relationship
was of any interest to you.
- Well you see,
there's this lady parent
who lives in Palm Springs...
- I see, say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick
and goodnight parents.
- Goodnight everybody!
(audience clapping)
- I always said that marriage
should be 50/50 proposition.
He should be at
least 50 years old,
and have at least
$50,000,000.00.
- I'll tell you why I
decided to call my special
Jack Benny's New Look.
After all, it doesn't
cost anything to look.
- It all depends on
what you're looking for.
- Well!
- I know the birth
control method for women
that's so effective...
- Ah-ha, does have
something to do with an aspirin?
(laughing)
Gotcha Henry!
- Are you going home?
- No, I just put my hat on.
- What do you get if you cross
an aging sailor with a duck?
- A salt quacker. (laughs)
- That's plaster!
- [Byron] Hey Arte!
- Yeah?
- Do you like the new
see-through dresses?
- No, I never give
'em a 10th look.
- With all this crime going on,
what can a girl do
to protect herself?
- Well Ruth, the
only think I can think
is to get her arms fixed!
(audience laughing)
- [Alan] Or have
her take an aspirin!
- Have her take an aspirin, hey,
boy did I get
polluted last night!
- You, drinking?
- No, I went
swimming in Lake Erie!
(audience laughing)
- My Uncle Rudy...
- [Alan] You're not
s'posed to read 'em Ruth!
- I can't remember it...
- [Jo Anne] No reading, Ruth!
- My Uncle Rudy just
had an awful accident,
he fell into the lake and
was stuck up to his ankles!
- Lake Erie?
- No, he went in head first!
(audience laughing)
- Dan!
- Yeah, hello Goldie.
- What do you get if you,
when you cross, thank you...
- If you cross.
- Lawrence Welk
with Kate Kennedy?
- Lawrence Welk
with Kate Kennedy, I don't
know, what do you get?
- You get a countdown
that goes ah-three,
and A and Z, and away you walk.
(audience laughing)
- As, excuse me.
Excuse me, fellas.
As Clement Ainsworth once
said about the Supreme Court,
"I'll be the judge of that!"
(audience laughing)
- I came back!
(laughing)
- Was that Peter Lawford, oh!
Alan!
(audience laughing)
Alan, Alan!
- This is a jungle back here!
(audience laughing)
- Alan, did you hear...
- Stop it now Peter,
this is on camera!
(audience laughing)
- Alan, did you hear about
the happy Siamese twin?
- You bet your booties! (laughs)
What about 'em?
- She was just
beside herself with joy!
(audience laughing)
- Am I glad to see you. (laughs)
(laughing)
- Hey Goldie!
- [Goldie] What?
- Knock, knock.
- Ah, knock, who's there?
- Little ol' lady.
- (laughs) Little ol' lady who?
- Why Goldie, I didn't
know you could yodel!
- I can't yodel Goldie,
but I know a little
ol' lady who can!
(audience laughing)
- I say Goldie, Goldie, Goldie!
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Your hoodle haddle.
- Your hoodle haddle who?
- I didn't know you could yodel!
- We just did that.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
(whimsical drum music)
(monkey squeaking)
(cheering)
(whimsical orchestral music)
- Sissy!
(laughing)
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Oh!
Don't I know you
from that other thing?
- Do you have a cigarette?
- Well yes, as a
matter of fact I do.
Here you are, sir.
- Could I have the coupon?
- What do you mean,
you save the coupon?
- Most certainly, how do you
think I got this swell bench?
(audience laughing)
- The preceding
show was pre-recorded
so that I could tell you
about letters to
Laugh-In right now.
Letters to Laugh-In
is pre-recorded
to be seen every Monday
through Friday on NBC at four,
3:00 Central, 2:30
on the West Coast,
and a partridge in a pear tree.
- What does Himmel
(speaks foreign language),
it's not that interesting.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting.
I didn't understand
a word she said,
but when she says it,
(laughs), who cares?
It's very interesting! (laughs)
Ooh, I'm coming you adorable
little Hungarian jewel thief!
(audience laughing)
Ooh, I'm gonna
touch your blonde hair!
(whimsical techno music)
(single person clapping)
(door squeaking)
(single person clapping)
(NBC theme music)
(single person clapping)