Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on
NBC. (orchestral music)
- Remember the great
words of Myra Breckin...
(snoring) (audience laughs)
- If you wait just
a minute honey
I'll change into something.
(audience laughs)
- Tell us, Peter
Sellers, (giggles)
do you approve of
nudity in the theatre?
- Yes, yes, as a matter
of fact, I quite enjoy it.
However, it does
seem to shake up
some of the ladies
in the same row.
(audience laughs)
Especially I you come late.
(audience laughs)
- And now, despite all
your cards and letters,
NBC presents the
premiere performance of
Portnoy's Playhouse.
(audience laughs)
Tonight, complaint number one.
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
(upbeat music)
Starring Dan Rowan
and his roommate, the
lovely and talented Dick.
With guest star,
Debbie Reynolds.
And Peter Sellers.
Unfortunately, Johnny
Carson will not be here tonight.
- You can say that again.
- Certainly.
Unfortunately, Johnny
Carson will not be here tonight.
(audience laughs)
And... Judy Carne.
Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Sues.
And of course, Jo Anne Worley.
Plus, the new kids, returning
for the first consecutive year
we have such old
favorites as Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rogers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam,
and yours truly, Gary Owens.
With Morgul as
The Friendly Drelb,
who tonight will
be seen incognito
to help you
recognize him easier.
And now for money
lovers everywhere,
this financially rewarding word.
There's something about
an Aqua Velva man
(audience laughs)
- Now that they've
tried to amuse you
with a fake commercial,
here's a real one
that ought to tickle
your risibilities.
- Nobody's tickled
my risibilities in years.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, let's go
to the swings.
Maybe I can change your luck,
you enchanting
vision of loveliness.
(audience laughs)
What's a risibility?
Come on.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
Circus time, it's
magic circus time
Grab your cats and funny hats
It's circus time
Throw a ball and
get the fella wet, yeah
Henry likes to swing
without a net, yeah
Miss Jo Anne will
lead the circus event
And when you're playin'
Burbank it's a one night stand
Our calliope is dippy
Ain't Miss Buzzi
gonna show her bippy
'Cause it's circus time
- Hey, Teresa Graves!
- Yes, just coming.
- Guess what?
I went to camp this summer.
- Aren't you just a little
old for camp, Jo Anne?
- You're hurting me, new girl.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'll tell ya what, it wasn't
a really true camp.
It happened to be
Camp Pendelton.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- Artie, I took a speed
reading course this summer.
- Did it help?
- Well, I'll say I'm
already finished
with Goldilocks
and two of the bears.
(audience laughs) Woo!
- Hey, cutie doll.
- What, what?
- What did you do this summer?
- I spent my summer in
England on my honeymoon.
- Woo, how was the weather?
- Just wonderful, so I heard.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- Hey Dan.
- Yeah?
- You know I went to
Africa this summer?
- Safari?
- Well, come to think of
it, one of the gun bearers
did walk a little funny.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- I went to Mexico for
the Olympics this summer.
- (mumbles) the Olympics
were last summer.
- No wonder I got
such a good seat.
(audience laughs)
- You sure have, pussy cat!
(audience laughs)
- Woooo!
(upbeat circus music)
Circus time, it's
magic circus time
Elephants and baggy
pants It's circus time
Dick is laughin' at
a trapeze swinger
Dan just smashed
him a three ring dinger
'Cause it's circus time
And that's jazz
(audience applauds)
- Now, here's two men
who need no introduction.
(audience laughs)
But seriously folks, at this
point NBC had planned on
showing some of its more
stimulating commercials.
However, it was
decided there was already
too much sex and
violence on television
so, here's Dan and Dick.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds and whistles)
- Hi, hi.
Hello, folks.
Great to be back
for the new season
and I'm sorry to
have to tell you this,
but this year Dan
Rowan will not be with us.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, that's too bad.
- I guess I'll have
to carry on alone.
- Hey, you dress in a hurry?
- I didn't have to, her
husband's in Toledo.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Dick, you're
wearing brown shoes.
- Well, of course I'm
wearing brown shoes.
I'm wearing a tuxedo, aren't I?
- They don't go together.
- I'm sick of being
a conformist.
This year I'm gonna be a
non-conformist like everyone else.
(audience laughs)
- And wear brown shoes
with a tux?
- You can trust a man
who wears brown shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Name one.
- Florsheim.
(audience laughs)
- Not one shoe, you doodoo.
Name one guy who wears
brown shoes after dark.
- Pope Paul.
- He does not. (audience laughs)
- Prove it!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, come on.
- Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Gotcha!
- Dick, ya just don't wear
brown shoes after five.
- Well, after five I usually
don't wear anything.
After three if they're doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Here's Pam Rogers, ask her.
Pam, would you wear
brown shoes after five?
- After five I usually
don't wear anything.
After three if they're doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, let's ask Jeremy Lloyd.
- Come back, please come back.
- Jeremy, let's assume
Dick is in London
and he's asked to a party.
Now, what would
he wear after five?
- Well, first of all,
he'd have to get his
(car horn bleeping).
- Hold it, right there.
(audience laughs)
- Byron.
- What you sellin' me, Dan?
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, fella.
Woo-ooh!
Groovy shoes, Dick.
- Yeah, baby. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I brought ya some tea, Peter.
- Oh thanks, Alan.
(audience laughs)
I don't see how you
Americans get arrested
for smokin' this stuff.
(audience laughs)
I can't even light it.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hey, that's
better, that's better.
(audience laughs)
- Think about it.
(audience laughs)
It's mine, it's mine.
(audience laughs) It's mine.
- Hello.
Judy Carne, your
Laugh-In girl on the go,
here at the Vatican
with two of the saints
who have been put on
notice by the Catholic church.
My first guest is
St. Christopher,
patron saint of travelers.
(audience laughs) Excuse
me, Saint Christopher.
- Just call me plain
Christopher now.
- Oh, what happened
to you, Christopher?
- On my way to meet
you I was run over by a car
driven by a priest.
(audience laughs)
- Don't like the
looks of that finger.
(audience laughs)
Well, another saint soon
to be retired is Saint Patrick.
Uh, Patrick, do you
know of any reason
why you've been dropped
as the saint most revered
by the Irish everywhere?
- Well, believe me,
I haven't got a clue.
(audience laughs)
But, the meantime if
you could recommend
a new tailor I'd appreciate it.
(audience laughs)
- A recent survey
has shown that many
of Laugh-In's
viewers are children.
And so, for all you little ones,
here's our story man
of the sandbox set,
the wonderful wizard
of all wee wee folk,
that's you, (audience laughs)
here's our own Uncle Al.
(music box music)
(audience laughs)
- Hi there, you little darlings.
This is Uncle Al
- This is Uncle Al
Kiddies' pal - the kiddies' pal
Hello little friends
- Hello Uncle Al
Hello - Hello!
Hello, Uncle Al!
- Hi.
- [Child] Uncle Al, hi!
- Hi, honey.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- [Child] I love you.
- Oh, you're some
cupcake yourself.
(audience laughs)
Hey kiddies.
Well, kiddies, it's game time!
Let's open Uncle Al's fun kit.
And now we're going
to, oh no. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- [Child] Hello, Uncle Al!
- Hello, honey.
And now we're going to show you
Uncle Al's famous finger game.
First you take Mr. Index Finger
and put him like this, (laughs)
then you take Mrs. Index
Finger and put her in there.
Now what do we do?
Now we take them out.
(audience laughs)
20 bucks for the
lousy trick, is that it?
(audience laughs)
Well, kiddies, it
looks like Uncle Al
will be right here next week.
Tune in ya little loves.
This was Uncle Al
- That was Uncle Al
- Get me outta this.
(audience laughs)
Goodbye little friends, bye-bye
- [Child] Hello, Uncle Al!
(mumbles)
Hello, Uncle Al!
- Get her outta here, will ya?
- (mumbles) Uncle Al.
- I mean it!
- [Child] I love you!
- Oh, me, too. (laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Dan?
My new picture,
The Magic Christian,
I appear in a boat
with 80 topless ladies.
And if anybody yelled,
"Women and children first,"
you sure could tell who's
who and what's what.
(audience laughs)
- This late-breaking
final score,
Laurence Harvey has just
won the men's mixed doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Television broadcasters
have found it pays
to get personalities
from other walks of life
to do news broadcasting.
In keeping with this trend,
Laugh-In presents the first
in a series of news commentaries
by an eight star general,
General Bull Right.
(trumpet fanfare music)
- Why, are we on?
All right, America.
Shape up or ship out.
(audience laughs)
General Bull Right, here.
Drop your socks
and grab your pencils.
(audience laughs)
Tonight commentary
is brought to you tonight
by the wonderful
folks down at your local
surplus nerve gas
supply company.
(audience laughs) Catch it.
Sorry, buddy.
Folks, this great
nation of ours has got
to stop pussyfootin' around
and lay its cards on the table!
And I'm talkin' about
the Middle East situation.
Lotta commie weirdo
bleeding hearts are saying
we shouldn't send
arms to Israel and Egypt
and I say, balderdash!
(audience laughs)
Over there.
(audience laughs)
Those two little countries
are piddlin' around
half fightin' the war
because they don't
have the wherewithal
for a major encounter.
Now, if we send tanks
and planes and guns
and bombs and napalm
and all the other things
our productive
society has to offer
(audience laughs)
then the Arabs and
the Jews will be able
to settle their differences
like true Christians.
(audience laughs)
All right, that's
it for tonight.
At ease.
Smoke if ya got 'em. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
See my new daytime
show, As The World Burns.
(audience laughs)
And remember, if you want a
red, white, and blue America,
let's keep our finger
on the trigg-ruh.
(audience laughs)
(military music)
Still on here?
(audience applauds)
If flowers have
pistils and stamens
(audience laughs)
Why was I stuck with
you (audience laughs)
- (laughs) Well, here you
are, you jewel, you. (laughs)
Miss Ormphby, I've
brought you a present,
an ancient gotcha.
- A what?
- An ancient gotcha.
- But where is it?
- Right up in the tree.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- 327, please.
(woman gasps)
- You'll have to
use the pass key.
(audience laughs)
(comedic boinging)
(siren blaring)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Chitty Chitty.
- Bang Bang.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess
you're pretty excited
to have a former Miss Burbank
as a guest on the show tonight.
- I didn't know that.
- Matter of fact, very big star.
New series on NBC starts
tomorrow night, the premiere.
- Andy Williams
was a Miss Burbank?
(audience laughs)
- I'll give ya
the initials, D.R.
- D.R.
I don't know anyone
with the initials D.R.
- Well, ya know me.
- You're a Miss Burbank?
(audience laughs)
- No, of course not.
- Sing "Moon River."
- Debbie Reynolds.
- You're Debbie Reynolds?
(audience laughs)
- No, Debbie Reynolds
just happens to be
the most famous first
lady Burbank ever had.
- They did?
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
the former Miss Burbank,
Debbie Reynolds.
(audience applauds)
- How 'bout a chorus of
"Moon River," sweetie?
(audience laughs)
- Debbie, you look lovely.
- I can't believe that
what I'm lookin' at
was brought up in
Burbank. (laughs)
- Oh, Dick!
(audience laughs)
Oh, I didn't notice
you were there.
Well, that's why I'm
here. (audience laughs)
You know, you guys, you're
always putting Burbank down.
- Well, you gotta admit, honey,
if you were towin'
a house trailer
you'd be prayin' pretty hard
not to run outta gas here.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, now come on.
I'm really proud to
have lived in Burbank.
I went to school here, I
was Miss Burbank here.
- That's right.
Now, look here.
Here's Debbie the day she
was named Miss Burbank.
- You know
something, I can still
get into that old bathing suit.
- Yeah, I'll drink
to that. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) My
measurements are really
exactly what they used to be.
- You sure must a shook 'em
up in kindergarten. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Good for you...
Debbie, you've spent
so much more time
in Burbank than we have.
How would you describe Burbank?
- Well, Burbank is...
Well, it's a little
like Beverly Hills
handled by the
William Morris office.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Is he still here?
- If you liked it so much,
how come ya moved out?
- Well, it's just that ya see,
I thought we had
better leave because
when the children came
along I wanted to give them
something I had never had.
- What's that?
- Fresh air.
(audience laughs)
- Sure that wasn't Mr. Burbank?
(audience laughs)
(chattering)
- Mommy, can I
have a glass of water?
- Don't bother me. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- (mumbles) Mommy?
- Well, ask your father, dear.
- Daddy, can I have
a glass of water?
- No!
(audience laughs)
- That's your answer.
- Kiss the teddy!
- Oh, grape him, grape him.
- I caught your Johnny in the
basement smoking a cigarette.
- Oh, that's hard to believe.
At home he prefers a pipe.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- It's only a dollar for a kiss.
How many were ya thinkin' of?
(audience laughs)
(speaks gibberish)
- Here's $2.
Forget ya saw me.
(audience laughs)
- Jeremy, if your family insists
upon you marrying royalty,
just tell 'em that I'm
a direct descendant
from the Count of Basie
and the Duke of Ellington.
(audience laughs)
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
- And now, boys and girls,
here's our first
letter to Laugh-In.
We bought this
little goody for $2
from seven year-old
Phillip McCartle
of Williamsville, New York.
Here's Phil's joke:
- Hey, Goldie.
You know what happens to
a duck that flies upside down?
- It quacks up.
(audience laughs)
(quacking)
Oh, come on now.
That kid's only seven
years old, let's hear it for Phil.
(audience laughs)
That's a lot better.
Write in again real soon, Phil.
(audience laughs)
- Oh doctor! (laughs)
Why are you welly...
Ha ha, doctor! (audience laughs)
Why are you wearing
that silly looking
reflector on your head?
- To cover the silly
looking hole in my head.
- (laughs) Oh, mon dieu
with the black stockings.
(clicking) (wind up toy music)
- Hello.
I'm your Judy doll.
You can sing me songs.
You can tell me lots of jokes,
but try anything funny
with my body and I hit.
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
- Hi!
(comedic boinging) Twice.
- And now, folks, the
moment we've all waited for.
Many of us would prefer
to wait much longer.
But, nevertheless,
here's the Laugh-In News.
(tinkling music)
- They are going to the moon.
But first they'd like
to sing this little tune.
(audience laughs)
Ba dop dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience laughs)
(everyone chattering)
(audience applauds)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Ducky!
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
- That's Dickie,
you silly goose.
- Okay, here's Goosey!
You silly duck.
(audience laughs)
Item, the Burbank wife
swappers and bowling league
wishes to congratulate
Dave Tebitt
for his spare on Monday
and his three strikes
on Tuesday night.
(audience laughs)
- [Byron] Woo!
- Woo! (laughs)
The new tell it
like it is experiment
in sex education
for preschoolers
had to be called off today
when two of the
visual aids eloped.
(audience laughs)
- Woo!
- School administrators
were shocked
because the two men
hardly knew each other.
(audience laughs)
The John Birch
Society today declared
they will not allow their
children to attend schools
where sex education is taught,
which could lead
to a lot of ignorant
daughters and sons of Birchers.
- Woo!
- Woo!
Take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll music)
- Okay, you guys, hold it down.
This year I'm
gonna get it right.
(laughs) Now then, Goldie
turns to camera and reads:
(audience laughs)
Here's the news
that's gonna happen
when you're 20 years old.
- No, Goldie, that's when
you're 20 years older.
- Oh, now here's
what's going to happen
when you're 40 years old.
(audience laughs) How
you like them arithmetics?
I mean arithmics.
(audience laughs)
Danny boy.
- Bye.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- 1989, 20 years from now.
Remember folks, I'm talking
about 20 years from now.
Laugh-In Vatican bureau reports
that her Holiness
Pope Lucille III
(audience laughs)
has approved a spray-on
aerosol holy water
for drive-through baptismals.
(audience laughs)
New product called Heaven Scent
(audience laughs)
comes in three
fragrances and is also
an effective pew freshener.
(audience laughs)
Saigon, 1989, 20 years from now.
Vice President Key
said today that he plans
to withdraw his troops
just as soon as he feels
the Americans are able to
go it alone in South Vietnam.
(audience laughs)
Los Angeles, 1989.
In response to outcries
from an enraged public
as to the disposal of its
stockpile of poison gas,
the army is making plans
to store the deadly chemicals
in the Los Angeles area,
reasoning that should
any fumes escape, no one
would notice any difference.
(audience laughs)
- And now, with the past news,
here's the immediate present
with all the future
that's fit to print.
(audience laughs)
Oh, someone must've slipped
me a Goldie pill. (giggles)
- Meanwhile, back
at the news of past,
when we last saw Abe Fortas,
it was the last we
saw of Abe Fortas.
- I think it's terrible the way
they made Abe Fortas resign.
If I were him I'd take my case
right to the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
And here with the scoops that
keep those gossip buffs busy,
is Laugh-In's Hollywood
busybody Buzzi.
Here come the scoops, Andy.
Hey!
- Oh, (laughs)
I don't know what to say.
(laughs) I haven't
got tonight's scoop.
- I got it, I got it.
Tonight, thieves broke
into Steve McQueen's house
and stole a picture of Stevie.
- Oh, muah! (laughs)
I can reliably report that
today Steve McQueen
had his face lifted.
(audience laughs)
- And now, with
this week's scoop
from beautiful downtown Burbank,
here is the lovely and
talented Mrs. Harry Karl,
affectionately referred
to by her husband
as the lovely and
talented Mrs. Harry Karl.
Now then, here is
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Harry Karl.
(audience laughs)
- Well, this has been
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Harry Karl
bringing you the news
from beautiful downtown Burbank.
Girls?
La dot dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Oh yeah!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
(loud horn blows)
- [Lunchbox] 's all right.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
Close the door, please.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- And now, for an
inspirational message.
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Lolly.
(imitates popping)
- [Man] Now, a big breath.
(inhales loudly)
Now, another big breath.
(inhales loudly)
- [Woman] Do I
look better, doctor?
- [Man] Yes, you certainly do.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- A station break.
The station break
was not written by me.
It is the work of NBC.
I think I'm going to get sick.
(audience laughs)
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
(upbeat music)
- Picca.
- Dilly.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
- Caesar salad.
(audience laughs)
- See this?
- What's that?
- Hawaiian punch.
(comedic boinging)
Aloha, ninny.
(bell dings)
(upbeat music)
- I've been sellin'
kisses all day long.
So far I've made a
dollar and five cents.
- Who gave you a nickel?
- Everybody.
(audience laughs)
- Who gave ya the joke?
- Everybody!
- What the hey?
(audience laughs)
- Hey, have you seen
my Uncle Willard?
- Of course not, he's invisible.
- That was Uncle Willard.
- Hey, by the way, how is he?
- Poor guy got fired last night.
- Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, he was a bell hop
at a honeymoon hotel.
- Probably made the
brides nervous, huh?
- No, the bridegrooms.
- Oh?
- How would you
feel if an empty chair
kept shouting,
"Now, let's get in there
"and win one for
the old Gipper?"
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you doodoo,
let's go to the party.
- Well, you've
certainly convinced me,
you sweet talkin' sun of a gun.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you're invited, too,
if you wanna go
to a party with us.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- I don't know what
this world is coming to.
Last night I went to a play
and everybody in it was naked.
It was nothing but
lust, naked lust.
- You know, I quite
agree with you.
They should warn you
about that sort of picture.
What did it say on the marquee?
- The same as it
said the night before,
Lust, Naked Lust.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Jeremy, you know I
had to let my new maid go
because of something she said.
- What did she say?
- She said, "Let go."
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- When the harem maidens
dance for the aging shah
he dreams of the first
time he ever laid eyes
on pomegranates.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I could've
starred in True Grit,
but they wanted
me to ride bareback.
I just don't do nudies.
Kim Darby got the part.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I understand that congress
has taken the first step
in the fight against
air pollution,
limiting the speeches
to five minutes.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Surely there must
be a better way
to interest young
people in the Bible
than by referring to
Samson and Delilah
as the original cast of Hair.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Things were very quiet
on the campus last night.
The police must've been
using padded billy clubs.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- My daughter-in-law
is an absolute disgrace
the way she runs
around the house,
flauntin' those long, slim legs
and her enormous bazooms.
I just don't know what
my poor boy sees in her,
I really don't.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Excuse me, oh great
dervish, but I understand
unemployment is way
down in this country.
It's not a problem anymore.
- It is if you
ain't got no work.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Goldie, did ya see the
astronauts land on the moon?
- No my bedroom window
faces in the other direction.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Boris and I had
a terrible weekend.
We put an add in an
underground paper
hoping to meet a
couple of real swingers
and it was answered, my dears,
by a trapeze
artist and a gorilla.
Loved her, hated him.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- My uncle smoked all his
life and says it didn't hurt him.
Of course now he coughs so much
he don't say nothin' no more.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- 25, 26, 27.
- Oh, look at 28, Ruthy.
That's one for the old Jipper.
- That's Gipper.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
- Well, I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, I ran across the
NBC censor last night.
Now, the good news.
He didn't get my license number.
(audience laughs)
- I run a health
club for old persons.
You know what gripes me?
Old persons keep going into
the sauna bath and melting.
(audience laughs)
- [Men] Aww!
- Gravy booby.
- Thanks for the tea, Dan,
but it is awfully
weak, I'm afraid.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Peter.
Say, how long should
the tea be left in the water?
- Well, let me put it this way,
the tea in the Boston
Harbor is just about ready.
(audience laughs)
- Now, here's a Laugh-In
quote of the week.
These words spoken,
according to Time Magazine,
by Shelley Winters.
Miss Winters, discussing
nudity in the theatre said...
- And we quote, "I think
it's disgusting, shameful,
"and damaging to
all things American,
"but if I were 22
with a great body,
"it would be artistic,
tasteful, patriotic,
"and a progressive
religious experience."
(audience laughs)
- Artistic?
Possibly.
Tasteful?
Questionable.
Patriotic?
I doubt it.
Progressive?
Verily.
But a religious experience?
Never.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you stop
buggin' us swingers
and go play Bingo?
(audience laughs)
- And now, here is Mrs. Misses.
You made me love you
(audience laughs)
- And now, for a swell encore.
As long as he needs me
(audience laughs)
(sings operatic high note)
- And now, with
tonight's book review,
heeeeere's Johhny!
- Well, we were supposed to
review a controversial new book
on television censorship
entitled Pastoria's Complaint.
(audience laughs)
But Tommy Smuthers
said, "Hands off."
(audience laughs)
- Hike.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Kangaroos by Henry Gibson.
Kangaroos are expensive
but they're worth it.
(audience laughs)
(muttering)
- Pardon me, young
fella, but which one is me?
(audience laughs)
- You're the other one.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
You had me worried
for awhile. (laughs)
Let's go to the swings.
- Yes, yes.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you ever
let your hair down?
There.
Doesn't that make
you feel different.
Miss Briggs.
You know with your hair
down and your glasses off,
I can see that...
- Yes, yes.
- I can see that you're wanted
for shoplifting in Denver.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hi.
- Care to join me
in the end zone?
Little girl, you wanna
play on the jungle gym?
Come on with me.
- And now, for some more
stinging social comment.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Horse.
- Fly.
- Hail, Marcus, hero of
the war against Carthage.
- There goes another $40 hairdo.
(audience laughs)
- Your Johnny tells
me that every night
when you come home
you hit him and hit him.
- Well, what are ya
listenin' to him for?
The kid's punchy.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take one.
- Well, I'll take
the other three.
Come on, girls.
(audience laughs)
- Pucker up, Johnny, baby.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, when I meet
your mother in England
do I curtsy before she
faints or after she comes to?
(audience laughs)
(men chattering and singing)
- Tyrone?
- Huh?
- My roommate has
a wrinkled prune.
- You think that's bad, my
prune has a wrinkled roommate.
(audience laughs)
- I'll show you my
magic Walnetto.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, what's the
matter, my dear?
Don't you like me anymore?
(gasps)
You just made an
old man very happy.
(audience laughs)
- And in the immortal
words of Josh Golden,
if your doctor
removes your appendix
without your consent, you may
charge him with side swiping.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's time for
a couple of quickies.
- Oh, I'd like to, but I
haven't got the time.
- Quickies only
take a few seconds.
- Well, in that case I'll
give you a few minutes.
- Sorry, I don't have the time.
- Okay, here's some quickies.
(upbeat music)
It's time for a quickie
A tricky little quickie
A kicky little quickie
Just like Dan and Dicky so well
It might make ya sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your tongue is getting ticky
Try a quickie and you're
gonna lose your bird
That's a cuckoo
Try a quickie and you're
gonna lose your bird
You can say that again
Gonna lose your bird
One more time
Gonna lose your bird
- It's time for a quickie!
- Hey, Gold, I can
see you through here.
- You can?
- Yeah.
- Who am I?
- I don't know, Gold.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
- I think that you are
very interesting, too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hey gang.
If you know any
teenagers in prison,
send them some candy
and help them break out.
(upbeat music)
- And now for our
Laugh-In spelling bee.
Spell 'weather.'
- Um, (giggles)
w-a-e-t-h-e-r.
- That's the worst
spell of weather
we've had in a long time.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Abigail, those men,
up there on the stage.
They're naked!
- I know, but what
about all those women?
- Later, later.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- May I clear the
table now, sir?
- Yes, Yonkel.
(audience laughs)
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- No, I think I've
caught a cold.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Well, that about wraps
up our quickies for tonight.
And now... - Shh!
I'm listening to
William F. Buckley.
- Oh?
What's he saying?
- How would he know?
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer]
Stupid question #409.
- [Byron] Say chief,
how we make out?
(audience laughs)
- Me get nailed to wall.
(audience laughs)
- Coulda fooled me.
(laughter drowns out speech)
- Sure, where is she?
- It's a game I'm talkin' about,
a game called One-Liners.
- How's it go?
- Well, give me a subject
and I'll show ya how it goes.
- Uh, marriage.
- Okay, gang, we're
gonna play One-Liners
and the subject is marriage.
- You know, marriage is great.
Gives a guy a nice
warm bed to go home to.
If his girlfriend is sick.
(audience laughs)
- I'd get married in a minute...
if I didn't have to live in.
(audience laughs)
- Marriages are made in heaven.
Maybe that's why so
many atheists fool around.
(audience laughs)
- Marriage is the only answer
for girls who are
too shy to adopt.
(audience laughs)
- The trouble with
a lot of marriages is
that after she says
I do, she won't.
(audience laughs)
- I've been married for 14 years
and believe me it's
just one big honeymoon
right after the other. (laughs)
Guess why.
Because my hubby
owns a motel in Burbank.
Do you understand that, hm?
(audience laughs)
- The computer dating
company promised to find
me a husband of equal
interests and intelligence.
You know, someone whose
wheels turn (stutters) like my own.
(audience laughs)
Ya know Saturday I'm
marrying a rotisserie.
(audience laughs)
- That's how ya play One-Liners.
- Good, let's try it sometime.
- Why not?
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
(bell dings)
- That's my tinkle.
(audience laughs)
(loud horn blows)
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
(slide whistle descends)
(upbeat music)
- Funky.
- And now, some meaningful words
to aid NBC's war on poverty.
(bell dings)
- Your Johnny ate a
stick of chalk, an eraser,
and a box of crayons.
- Well isn't that strange.
At home we can't
get him to eat a thing.
(upbeat music)
- Coffee.
- Pot.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- (sings operatic note) Ya
devil, you oughtta kiss me.
(laughs) (kisses air)
Girl lips.
- I've forgotten my money.
- Oh, don't be silly, darling.
I'll loan you a hundred.
(audience laughs)
As much as you want. (laughs)
Cute ears.
Korman? Korman?
(audience laughs)
- Understand, sweetheart,
it means absolutely nothing
to me, but before you meet
mother, do get some sun.
(audience laughs)
- Do my best, love.
- You know, one
thing I've noticed...
One thing I've noticed, Peter,
you English certainly
are proud of your queens.
- Yes, we've legalized them.
(audience laughs)
- How 'bout that, sports fans?
(audience laughs)
- Well, I have some good news
and some bad news tonight.
First, my wife decided
to spend the summer
with her mother.
Now, for the bad news.
Her mother lives with us.
(audience laughs)
(fanfare music)
- And now, as we travel
further along memory lane,
it's time for this
season's first
flying fickle finger
of fate award.
- And, pray tell, who gets
the daring delightful darling
darting digitous
Derringer dis time?
- The fun folks at the Pentagon
who approve the projects
and spend the money
for our military
defense program.
- Oh, you got to be careful.
Remember there's five sides
to every story at the Pentagon.
- That's true, but
according to an article
in Newsweek, the poor
babies have been forced
to scrap a few of
their pet projects.
- Well, maybe they could
save us a few dollars.
- Well, yes, they could
and no, they didn't.
- Oh?
- Regardez moi.
The B-70 Bomber, the
nuclear powered plane,
the Snark Robot Bomber.
(audience laughs)
- So they blew a few bucks.
Nobody's perfect.
- The Navajo Missile, the
Dyna-Soar space plane.
- There's more?
- Ha ha, is there ever.
The Sky-Bolt air
to ground missile.
A grand total.
- What does it come to?
- $9,000,000,000 and change.
- Yuck.
Should we let 'em have it?
- Well, I think they
should get something
for all that money.
- Okay, Pentagonians,
take this and place it carefully
up with your other richly
deserved booby prizes.
(audience laughs)
- And, incidentally,
Pentagon people,
before you leave your
desks and grab your guns,
you're sharing tonight's award
with the beloved Congress
of the United States
who allotted more money to you
than to the poverty, education,
and housing programs
combined in their new government
of the Pentagon, by the
Pentagon, and for the Pentagon.
(audience laughs)
- Now, tune in next week folk
when the flying
fickle finger of fate
or the pretty probing pinky
as some of Big Al's friends
call it, goes to
Broadway Joe Namath
for completing 27
passes on his knees
in his living room
last night twice.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that Joe Namath.
He sets my back field in motion.
Watch.
(audience laughs)
- Hike.
("Pop Goes the Weasel"
instrumental music)
- Hello out there.
This is Cynthia Truell,
your beauty expert again.
I hope you all feel
and look beautiful today
because I have some
beautiful beauty hints
for all you beautiful
creatures out there.
And the questions
this week from all of you
who are interested in
beauty are simply beautiful.
The first one, this
question comes
from Mrs. Mabel Rippawahm
from Sioux City, Arizona.
And she says, "Dear
Miss Truell," sweet.
"Two years ago I went to
Japan for special surgery.
"I had my bust
built up with plastic
"and now they're breaking down.
"What can I do?"
Well, (clears throat) nothing.
Plastic never holds up.
(audience laughs)
Now, the next question.
"Dear Miss Truell,
I have a large wart
"on my third finger, left hand.
"What shall I do
about this wart?"
Well, actually I think
you should just have
a nice platinum
setting made for it
and everyone'll
think you're engaged.
(audience laughs)
To a cheap frog.
Bonsoir all you penny poo pals.
(audience laughs)
(loud horn blows)
- [Announcer] Good
morning, Mr. Phelps.
The man you
are looking for is...
(loud explosion)
(slide whistle descends)
- Now, here's another
letter to Laugh-In.
$2 is already winging
its way to Lynn Donaldson
of Memphis, Tennessee
for this little goody.
- I'm sorry, darling.
The new maid burned the
eggs and bacon this morning.
Would you be satisfied with
a couple of kisses instead?
- Sure.
Bring her in.
(audience laughs)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen of our radio audience,
here's Timothy Leary
and Cassius Clay
to sing "The High
and the Mighty."
(audience laughs)
- All right, hold it right
there, Gary Owens.
I'm gonna plug ya.
- Oh no, don't plug me.
- I'm gonna plug ya.
- Well, okay, if
there's no other way.
Go ahead and plug me.
- Watch for Gary's
new afternoon TV show,
Letters to Laugh-In,
Mondays through Friday
on NBC starting September 29th.
(audience laughs)
- I thought you said you
were going to plug me.
- Oh yes, of course.
(gun fires quietly)
- [Audience Members] Aww!
- Heavens to Betsy.
- That's the way it
goes sometimes, Gar.
- Well, as they used to say
in the old Gale Storm Show,
that about wraps it
up for tonight, folks.
We're awfully glad - Hold it.
- You could join us
- Hold it right there.
Hold it.
Hold it.
- We're a little late and
the kids are in the joke wall.
- Well, I've got something
just a little more important
than the joke wall.
- Name one.
- Well, when a viewer
takes the time to write
a letter it's only
right that I read it.
- All right, have it my way.
- "Dear Dick,"
starts off. (laughs)
- It starts off.
- From Mt. Ida.
- It goes on.
(audience laughs)
- "Dear Dick"...
- Read the letter!
- All right, I am!
"I wanted to write and
tell ya that the favorite part
"of the show for me is
the joke wall." (laughs)
Cue the joke wall!
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(audience applauds)
Goodnight Old Gipper,
wherever you are.
- Goodnight, folks.
(audience applauds)
- Hello.
You really have
done a remarkable job
in your experiment with
the democratic system
here in America.
Just think, it was only
a hundred years ago
when President Lincoln
freed the black people
and already some of
them are in yo schools.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Teresa?
- Yeah, Ruth.
- I crossed a
chicken with a guitar.
- And what did
you get, pray tell?
- I don't know.
It plucked itself to death.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now they've done it.
A plucked guitar chicken joke.
Dan, I'm furious!
(audience laughs)
- By the shores of Gitchy Goomy
I water skied with Regis Toomey.
(audience laughs)
- Last night my
psychiatrist tried to kiss me.
- Well, what did you do?
- Well I told him maybe
we should sit up for awhile.
(audience laughs)
- Congratulations, Jeremy,
you just won the booby prize.
- Oh, I'd rather have a radio.
(audience laughs)
- You know, my psychiatrist
said that sex is bad for one,
but for two it's
terrific. (laughs)
- What runs around all
day and lies down all night
with its tongue hanging out?
- My left sneaker, but
I'd rather have a radio.
(audience laughs)
- I just spent two
years building a house
all by myself and
now I can't use it.
- Why not?
- I can't get it out
of the basement.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Judy?
Judy, Judy.
(drowning each other out)
I have a friend who invented
a new insect repellent.
- What do you call it?
- He doesn't know yet, he
has to work the bugs out of it.
(audience laughs)
- Does anybody
have some birdseed?
- Goldie, I didn't
know you kept birds.
- No, I wanna grow some.
(audience laughs)
- Dick and Dan, Dick and Dan.
- Yes, Judy, Judy, Judy.
- My uncle opened a lifeguard
school and he can't swim.
- How's he making out?
- Oh, just barely keeping
his head above water.
- Maybe he'd
rather have a radio.
- [Dan] Shut up.
- Shut up.
- You know a lot of countries
are on the gold standard.
- Yeah, who's on silver?
- The Lone Ranger.
- Maybe he got my radio.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(cymbals crash)
(upbeat music)
- May I have your address,
you lovely vision of Venus?
- It's (speaks gibberish).
- It's what?
- X-V-I-
V-1-L-L,
exiziveal.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that exi-vi-vuh-vi-el.
- (laughs) You got it.
- I didnt' even know there
was an Ape-ean Way.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- May I help you, sir?
(audience laughs)
- All I have is a quarter.
Could I have a little one?
- Well, certainly.
Right this way.
Sweet, adorable, little Henry.
Do your stuff.
(audience laughs)
- Medic!
(audience laughs)
- What's a medic?
- [Perry] I like
it, Mike, I like it.
We can call it Laugh-In.
- [Mike] No, no, Perry.
Somebody's already
using Laugh-In.
- [Perry] Oh, all right
then, what'll we call it?
- [Mike] Well, how
about Hee Haw?
(audience laughs)
- Not a bad idea, Mike.
- The preceding program
was pre-recorded earlier
to allow the cast time to
arrange for transportation
to ABCDEFGHI've got a gal
in Kalamazoo.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
- What do you mean
"Very interesting?"
It was stupid.
- Yes, it was stupid.
But it was also
very interesting.
(audience laughs)
- It was not as
interesting as it was stupid.
(audience laughs)
- Nonetheless, it
was still interesting.
- [Tall Soldier] Stupid.
- [Wolfgang] Interesting.
- All right, all right.
It was interesting.
- But it was also stupid.
(audience laughs)
- Wolfgang, go to your dum-dum.
(audience laughs)
- What's a dum-dum?
- The fuhrer is alive
and living in Kate Smith's.
(audience laughs)
(electronic music)
(squeaky door opening)
(clapping)
(electronic beeping)
(clapping)
program is brought to you
in living color on
NBC. (orchestral music)
- Remember the great
words of Myra Breckin...
(snoring) (audience laughs)
- If you wait just
a minute honey
I'll change into something.
(audience laughs)
- Tell us, Peter
Sellers, (giggles)
do you approve of
nudity in the theatre?
- Yes, yes, as a matter
of fact, I quite enjoy it.
However, it does
seem to shake up
some of the ladies
in the same row.
(audience laughs)
Especially I you come late.
(audience laughs)
- And now, despite all
your cards and letters,
NBC presents the
premiere performance of
Portnoy's Playhouse.
(audience laughs)
Tonight, complaint number one.
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
(upbeat music)
Starring Dan Rowan
and his roommate, the
lovely and talented Dick.
With guest star,
Debbie Reynolds.
And Peter Sellers.
Unfortunately, Johnny
Carson will not be here tonight.
- You can say that again.
- Certainly.
Unfortunately, Johnny
Carson will not be here tonight.
(audience laughs)
And... Judy Carne.
Artie Johnson.
With Ruth Buzzi.
Henry Gibson.
Goldie Hawn.
Alan Sues.
And of course, Jo Anne Worley.
Plus, the new kids, returning
for the first consecutive year
we have such old
favorites as Teresa Graves,
Pamela Rogers, Jeremy Lloyd,
Byron Gilliam,
and yours truly, Gary Owens.
With Morgul as
The Friendly Drelb,
who tonight will
be seen incognito
to help you
recognize him easier.
And now for money
lovers everywhere,
this financially rewarding word.
There's something about
an Aqua Velva man
(audience laughs)
- Now that they've
tried to amuse you
with a fake commercial,
here's a real one
that ought to tickle
your risibilities.
- Nobody's tickled
my risibilities in years.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, let's go
to the swings.
Maybe I can change your luck,
you enchanting
vision of loveliness.
(audience laughs)
What's a risibility?
Come on.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
Circus time, it's
magic circus time
Grab your cats and funny hats
It's circus time
Throw a ball and
get the fella wet, yeah
Henry likes to swing
without a net, yeah
Miss Jo Anne will
lead the circus event
And when you're playin'
Burbank it's a one night stand
Our calliope is dippy
Ain't Miss Buzzi
gonna show her bippy
'Cause it's circus time
- Hey, Teresa Graves!
- Yes, just coming.
- Guess what?
I went to camp this summer.
- Aren't you just a little
old for camp, Jo Anne?
- You're hurting me, new girl.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'll tell ya what, it wasn't
a really true camp.
It happened to be
Camp Pendelton.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- Artie, I took a speed
reading course this summer.
- Did it help?
- Well, I'll say I'm
already finished
with Goldilocks
and two of the bears.
(audience laughs) Woo!
- Hey, cutie doll.
- What, what?
- What did you do this summer?
- I spent my summer in
England on my honeymoon.
- Woo, how was the weather?
- Just wonderful, so I heard.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- Hey Dan.
- Yeah?
- You know I went to
Africa this summer?
- Safari?
- Well, come to think of
it, one of the gun bearers
did walk a little funny.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat circus music)
- I went to Mexico for
the Olympics this summer.
- (mumbles) the Olympics
were last summer.
- No wonder I got
such a good seat.
(audience laughs)
- You sure have, pussy cat!
(audience laughs)
- Woooo!
(upbeat circus music)
Circus time, it's
magic circus time
Elephants and baggy
pants It's circus time
Dick is laughin' at
a trapeze swinger
Dan just smashed
him a three ring dinger
'Cause it's circus time
And that's jazz
(audience applauds)
- Now, here's two men
who need no introduction.
(audience laughs)
But seriously folks, at this
point NBC had planned on
showing some of its more
stimulating commercials.
However, it was
decided there was already
too much sex and
violence on television
so, here's Dan and Dick.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds and whistles)
- Hi, hi.
Hello, folks.
Great to be back
for the new season
and I'm sorry to
have to tell you this,
but this year Dan
Rowan will not be with us.
(audience laughs)
- Gee, that's too bad.
- I guess I'll have
to carry on alone.
- Hey, you dress in a hurry?
- I didn't have to, her
husband's in Toledo.
(audience laughs)
- [Dan] Dick, you're
wearing brown shoes.
- Well, of course I'm
wearing brown shoes.
I'm wearing a tuxedo, aren't I?
- They don't go together.
- I'm sick of being
a conformist.
This year I'm gonna be a
non-conformist like everyone else.
(audience laughs)
- And wear brown shoes
with a tux?
- You can trust a man
who wears brown shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Name one.
- Florsheim.
(audience laughs)
- Not one shoe, you doodoo.
Name one guy who wears
brown shoes after dark.
- Pope Paul.
- He does not. (audience laughs)
- Prove it!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, come on.
- Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Gotcha!
- Dick, ya just don't wear
brown shoes after five.
- Well, after five I usually
don't wear anything.
After three if they're doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Here's Pam Rogers, ask her.
Pam, would you wear
brown shoes after five?
- After five I usually
don't wear anything.
After three if they're doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, let's ask Jeremy Lloyd.
- Come back, please come back.
- Jeremy, let's assume
Dick is in London
and he's asked to a party.
Now, what would
he wear after five?
- Well, first of all,
he'd have to get his
(car horn bleeping).
- Hold it, right there.
(audience laughs)
- Byron.
- What you sellin' me, Dan?
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, fella.
Woo-ooh!
Groovy shoes, Dick.
- Yeah, baby. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I brought ya some tea, Peter.
- Oh thanks, Alan.
(audience laughs)
I don't see how you
Americans get arrested
for smokin' this stuff.
(audience laughs)
I can't even light it.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, hey, that's
better, that's better.
(audience laughs)
- Think about it.
(audience laughs)
It's mine, it's mine.
(audience laughs) It's mine.
- Hello.
Judy Carne, your
Laugh-In girl on the go,
here at the Vatican
with two of the saints
who have been put on
notice by the Catholic church.
My first guest is
St. Christopher,
patron saint of travelers.
(audience laughs) Excuse
me, Saint Christopher.
- Just call me plain
Christopher now.
- Oh, what happened
to you, Christopher?
- On my way to meet
you I was run over by a car
driven by a priest.
(audience laughs)
- Don't like the
looks of that finger.
(audience laughs)
Well, another saint soon
to be retired is Saint Patrick.
Uh, Patrick, do you
know of any reason
why you've been dropped
as the saint most revered
by the Irish everywhere?
- Well, believe me,
I haven't got a clue.
(audience laughs)
But, the meantime if
you could recommend
a new tailor I'd appreciate it.
(audience laughs)
- A recent survey
has shown that many
of Laugh-In's
viewers are children.
And so, for all you little ones,
here's our story man
of the sandbox set,
the wonderful wizard
of all wee wee folk,
that's you, (audience laughs)
here's our own Uncle Al.
(music box music)
(audience laughs)
- Hi there, you little darlings.
This is Uncle Al
- This is Uncle Al
Kiddies' pal - the kiddies' pal
Hello little friends
- Hello Uncle Al
Hello - Hello!
Hello, Uncle Al!
- Hi.
- [Child] Uncle Al, hi!
- Hi, honey.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
- [Child] I love you.
- Oh, you're some
cupcake yourself.
(audience laughs)
Hey kiddies.
Well, kiddies, it's game time!
Let's open Uncle Al's fun kit.
And now we're going
to, oh no. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- [Child] Hello, Uncle Al!
- Hello, honey.
And now we're going to show you
Uncle Al's famous finger game.
First you take Mr. Index Finger
and put him like this, (laughs)
then you take Mrs. Index
Finger and put her in there.
Now what do we do?
Now we take them out.
(audience laughs)
20 bucks for the
lousy trick, is that it?
(audience laughs)
Well, kiddies, it
looks like Uncle Al
will be right here next week.
Tune in ya little loves.
This was Uncle Al
- That was Uncle Al
- Get me outta this.
(audience laughs)
Goodbye little friends, bye-bye
- [Child] Hello, Uncle Al!
(mumbles)
Hello, Uncle Al!
- Get her outta here, will ya?
- (mumbles) Uncle Al.
- I mean it!
- [Child] I love you!
- Oh, me, too. (laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Dan?
My new picture,
The Magic Christian,
I appear in a boat
with 80 topless ladies.
And if anybody yelled,
"Women and children first,"
you sure could tell who's
who and what's what.
(audience laughs)
- This late-breaking
final score,
Laurence Harvey has just
won the men's mixed doubles.
(audience laughs)
- Television broadcasters
have found it pays
to get personalities
from other walks of life
to do news broadcasting.
In keeping with this trend,
Laugh-In presents the first
in a series of news commentaries
by an eight star general,
General Bull Right.
(trumpet fanfare music)
- Why, are we on?
All right, America.
Shape up or ship out.
(audience laughs)
General Bull Right, here.
Drop your socks
and grab your pencils.
(audience laughs)
Tonight commentary
is brought to you tonight
by the wonderful
folks down at your local
surplus nerve gas
supply company.
(audience laughs) Catch it.
Sorry, buddy.
Folks, this great
nation of ours has got
to stop pussyfootin' around
and lay its cards on the table!
And I'm talkin' about
the Middle East situation.
Lotta commie weirdo
bleeding hearts are saying
we shouldn't send
arms to Israel and Egypt
and I say, balderdash!
(audience laughs)
Over there.
(audience laughs)
Those two little countries
are piddlin' around
half fightin' the war
because they don't
have the wherewithal
for a major encounter.
Now, if we send tanks
and planes and guns
and bombs and napalm
and all the other things
our productive
society has to offer
(audience laughs)
then the Arabs and
the Jews will be able
to settle their differences
like true Christians.
(audience laughs)
All right, that's
it for tonight.
At ease.
Smoke if ya got 'em. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
See my new daytime
show, As The World Burns.
(audience laughs)
And remember, if you want a
red, white, and blue America,
let's keep our finger
on the trigg-ruh.
(audience laughs)
(military music)
Still on here?
(audience applauds)
If flowers have
pistils and stamens
(audience laughs)
Why was I stuck with
you (audience laughs)
- (laughs) Well, here you
are, you jewel, you. (laughs)
Miss Ormphby, I've
brought you a present,
an ancient gotcha.
- A what?
- An ancient gotcha.
- But where is it?
- Right up in the tree.
Gotcha!
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- 327, please.
(woman gasps)
- You'll have to
use the pass key.
(audience laughs)
(comedic boinging)
(siren blaring)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Chitty Chitty.
- Bang Bang.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess
you're pretty excited
to have a former Miss Burbank
as a guest on the show tonight.
- I didn't know that.
- Matter of fact, very big star.
New series on NBC starts
tomorrow night, the premiere.
- Andy Williams
was a Miss Burbank?
(audience laughs)
- I'll give ya
the initials, D.R.
- D.R.
I don't know anyone
with the initials D.R.
- Well, ya know me.
- You're a Miss Burbank?
(audience laughs)
- No, of course not.
- Sing "Moon River."
- Debbie Reynolds.
- You're Debbie Reynolds?
(audience laughs)
- No, Debbie Reynolds
just happens to be
the most famous first
lady Burbank ever had.
- They did?
- Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
the former Miss Burbank,
Debbie Reynolds.
(audience applauds)
- How 'bout a chorus of
"Moon River," sweetie?
(audience laughs)
- Debbie, you look lovely.
- I can't believe that
what I'm lookin' at
was brought up in
Burbank. (laughs)
- Oh, Dick!
(audience laughs)
Oh, I didn't notice
you were there.
Well, that's why I'm
here. (audience laughs)
You know, you guys, you're
always putting Burbank down.
- Well, you gotta admit, honey,
if you were towin'
a house trailer
you'd be prayin' pretty hard
not to run outta gas here.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, now come on.
I'm really proud to
have lived in Burbank.
I went to school here, I
was Miss Burbank here.
- That's right.
Now, look here.
Here's Debbie the day she
was named Miss Burbank.
- You know
something, I can still
get into that old bathing suit.
- Yeah, I'll drink
to that. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) My
measurements are really
exactly what they used to be.
- You sure must a shook 'em
up in kindergarten. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Good for you...
Debbie, you've spent
so much more time
in Burbank than we have.
How would you describe Burbank?
- Well, Burbank is...
Well, it's a little
like Beverly Hills
handled by the
William Morris office.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Is he still here?
- If you liked it so much,
how come ya moved out?
- Well, it's just that ya see,
I thought we had
better leave because
when the children came
along I wanted to give them
something I had never had.
- What's that?
- Fresh air.
(audience laughs)
- Sure that wasn't Mr. Burbank?
(audience laughs)
(chattering)
- Mommy, can I
have a glass of water?
- Don't bother me. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- (mumbles) Mommy?
- Well, ask your father, dear.
- Daddy, can I have
a glass of water?
- No!
(audience laughs)
- That's your answer.
- Kiss the teddy!
- Oh, grape him, grape him.
- I caught your Johnny in the
basement smoking a cigarette.
- Oh, that's hard to believe.
At home he prefers a pipe.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- It's only a dollar for a kiss.
How many were ya thinkin' of?
(audience laughs)
(speaks gibberish)
- Here's $2.
Forget ya saw me.
(audience laughs)
- Jeremy, if your family insists
upon you marrying royalty,
just tell 'em that I'm
a direct descendant
from the Count of Basie
and the Duke of Ellington.
(audience laughs)
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
- And now, boys and girls,
here's our first
letter to Laugh-In.
We bought this
little goody for $2
from seven year-old
Phillip McCartle
of Williamsville, New York.
Here's Phil's joke:
- Hey, Goldie.
You know what happens to
a duck that flies upside down?
- It quacks up.
(audience laughs)
(quacking)
Oh, come on now.
That kid's only seven
years old, let's hear it for Phil.
(audience laughs)
That's a lot better.
Write in again real soon, Phil.
(audience laughs)
- Oh doctor! (laughs)
Why are you welly...
Ha ha, doctor! (audience laughs)
Why are you wearing
that silly looking
reflector on your head?
- To cover the silly
looking hole in my head.
- (laughs) Oh, mon dieu
with the black stockings.
(clicking) (wind up toy music)
- Hello.
I'm your Judy doll.
You can sing me songs.
You can tell me lots of jokes,
but try anything funny
with my body and I hit.
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
- Hi!
(comedic boinging) Twice.
- And now, folks, the
moment we've all waited for.
Many of us would prefer
to wait much longer.
But, nevertheless,
here's the Laugh-In News.
(tinkling music)
- They are going to the moon.
But first they'd like
to sing this little tune.
(audience laughs)
Ba dop dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
(audience laughs)
(everyone chattering)
(audience applauds)
- And now, with the
news of the present,
here's the man to whom the news
wouldn't be the news
without the news,
here's Ducky!
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
- That's Dickie,
you silly goose.
- Okay, here's Goosey!
You silly duck.
(audience laughs)
Item, the Burbank wife
swappers and bowling league
wishes to congratulate
Dave Tebitt
for his spare on Monday
and his three strikes
on Tuesday night.
(audience laughs)
- [Byron] Woo!
- Woo! (laughs)
The new tell it
like it is experiment
in sex education
for preschoolers
had to be called off today
when two of the
visual aids eloped.
(audience laughs)
- Woo!
- School administrators
were shocked
because the two men
hardly knew each other.
(audience laughs)
The John Birch
Society today declared
they will not allow their
children to attend schools
where sex education is taught,
which could lead
to a lot of ignorant
daughters and sons of Birchers.
- Woo!
- Woo!
Take it away, Goldie!
(drum roll music)
- Okay, you guys, hold it down.
This year I'm
gonna get it right.
(laughs) Now then, Goldie
turns to camera and reads:
(audience laughs)
Here's the news
that's gonna happen
when you're 20 years old.
- No, Goldie, that's when
you're 20 years older.
- Oh, now here's
what's going to happen
when you're 40 years old.
(audience laughs) How
you like them arithmetics?
I mean arithmics.
(audience laughs)
Danny boy.
- Bye.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- 1989, 20 years from now.
Remember folks, I'm talking
about 20 years from now.
Laugh-In Vatican bureau reports
that her Holiness
Pope Lucille III
(audience laughs)
has approved a spray-on
aerosol holy water
for drive-through baptismals.
(audience laughs)
New product called Heaven Scent
(audience laughs)
comes in three
fragrances and is also
an effective pew freshener.
(audience laughs)
Saigon, 1989, 20 years from now.
Vice President Key
said today that he plans
to withdraw his troops
just as soon as he feels
the Americans are able to
go it alone in South Vietnam.
(audience laughs)
Los Angeles, 1989.
In response to outcries
from an enraged public
as to the disposal of its
stockpile of poison gas,
the army is making plans
to store the deadly chemicals
in the Los Angeles area,
reasoning that should
any fumes escape, no one
would notice any difference.
(audience laughs)
- And now, with the past news,
here's the immediate present
with all the future
that's fit to print.
(audience laughs)
Oh, someone must've slipped
me a Goldie pill. (giggles)
- Meanwhile, back
at the news of past,
when we last saw Abe Fortas,
it was the last we
saw of Abe Fortas.
- I think it's terrible the way
they made Abe Fortas resign.
If I were him I'd take my case
right to the Supreme Court.
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
And here with the scoops that
keep those gossip buffs busy,
is Laugh-In's Hollywood
busybody Buzzi.
Here come the scoops, Andy.
Hey!
- Oh, (laughs)
I don't know what to say.
(laughs) I haven't
got tonight's scoop.
- I got it, I got it.
Tonight, thieves broke
into Steve McQueen's house
and stole a picture of Stevie.
- Oh, muah! (laughs)
I can reliably report that
today Steve McQueen
had his face lifted.
(audience laughs)
- And now, with
this week's scoop
from beautiful downtown Burbank,
here is the lovely and
talented Mrs. Harry Karl,
affectionately referred
to by her husband
as the lovely and
talented Mrs. Harry Karl.
Now then, here is
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Harry Karl.
(audience laughs)
- Well, this has been
the lovely and talented
Mrs. Harry Karl
bringing you the news
from beautiful downtown Burbank.
Girls?
La dot dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at
the news Oh yeah!
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
(loud horn blows)
- [Lunchbox] 's all right.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
Close the door, please.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- And now, for an
inspirational message.
(bell dings)
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Lolly.
(imitates popping)
- [Man] Now, a big breath.
(inhales loudly)
Now, another big breath.
(inhales loudly)
- [Woman] Do I
look better, doctor?
- [Man] Yes, you certainly do.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- A station break.
The station break
was not written by me.
It is the work of NBC.
I think I'm going to get sick.
(audience laughs)
Everybody loves
somebody sometime
(upbeat music)
- Picca.
- Dilly.
(audience laughs)
- What's this?
- Caesar salad.
(audience laughs)
- See this?
- What's that?
- Hawaiian punch.
(comedic boinging)
Aloha, ninny.
(bell dings)
(upbeat music)
- I've been sellin'
kisses all day long.
So far I've made a
dollar and five cents.
- Who gave you a nickel?
- Everybody.
(audience laughs)
- Who gave ya the joke?
- Everybody!
- What the hey?
(audience laughs)
- Hey, have you seen
my Uncle Willard?
- Of course not, he's invisible.
- That was Uncle Willard.
- Hey, by the way, how is he?
- Poor guy got fired last night.
- Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, he was a bell hop
at a honeymoon hotel.
- Probably made the
brides nervous, huh?
- No, the bridegrooms.
- Oh?
- How would you
feel if an empty chair
kept shouting,
"Now, let's get in there
"and win one for
the old Gipper?"
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you doodoo,
let's go to the party.
- Well, you've
certainly convinced me,
you sweet talkin' sun of a gun.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, you're invited, too,
if you wanna go
to a party with us.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- I don't know what
this world is coming to.
Last night I went to a play
and everybody in it was naked.
It was nothing but
lust, naked lust.
- You know, I quite
agree with you.
They should warn you
about that sort of picture.
What did it say on the marquee?
- The same as it
said the night before,
Lust, Naked Lust.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Jeremy, you know I
had to let my new maid go
because of something she said.
- What did she say?
- She said, "Let go."
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- When the harem maidens
dance for the aging shah
he dreams of the first
time he ever laid eyes
on pomegranates.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I could've
starred in True Grit,
but they wanted
me to ride bareback.
I just don't do nudies.
Kim Darby got the part.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I understand that congress
has taken the first step
in the fight against
air pollution,
limiting the speeches
to five minutes.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Surely there must
be a better way
to interest young
people in the Bible
than by referring to
Samson and Delilah
as the original cast of Hair.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Things were very quiet
on the campus last night.
The police must've been
using padded billy clubs.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- My daughter-in-law
is an absolute disgrace
the way she runs
around the house,
flauntin' those long, slim legs
and her enormous bazooms.
I just don't know what
my poor boy sees in her,
I really don't.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Excuse me, oh great
dervish, but I understand
unemployment is way
down in this country.
It's not a problem anymore.
- It is if you
ain't got no work.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Goldie, did ya see the
astronauts land on the moon?
- No my bedroom window
faces in the other direction.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Boris and I had
a terrible weekend.
We put an add in an
underground paper
hoping to meet a
couple of real swingers
and it was answered, my dears,
by a trapeze
artist and a gorilla.
Loved her, hated him.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- My uncle smoked all his
life and says it didn't hurt him.
Of course now he coughs so much
he don't say nothin' no more.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- 25, 26, 27.
- Oh, look at 28, Ruthy.
That's one for the old Jipper.
- That's Gipper.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
- Well, I have some good
news and some bad news.
First, I ran across the
NBC censor last night.
Now, the good news.
He didn't get my license number.
(audience laughs)
- I run a health
club for old persons.
You know what gripes me?
Old persons keep going into
the sauna bath and melting.
(audience laughs)
- [Men] Aww!
- Gravy booby.
- Thanks for the tea, Dan,
but it is awfully
weak, I'm afraid.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Peter.
Say, how long should
the tea be left in the water?
- Well, let me put it this way,
the tea in the Boston
Harbor is just about ready.
(audience laughs)
- Now, here's a Laugh-In
quote of the week.
These words spoken,
according to Time Magazine,
by Shelley Winters.
Miss Winters, discussing
nudity in the theatre said...
- And we quote, "I think
it's disgusting, shameful,
"and damaging to
all things American,
"but if I were 22
with a great body,
"it would be artistic,
tasteful, patriotic,
"and a progressive
religious experience."
(audience laughs)
- Artistic?
Possibly.
Tasteful?
Questionable.
Patriotic?
I doubt it.
Progressive?
Verily.
But a religious experience?
Never.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you stop
buggin' us swingers
and go play Bingo?
(audience laughs)
- And now, here is Mrs. Misses.
You made me love you
(audience laughs)
- And now, for a swell encore.
As long as he needs me
(audience laughs)
(sings operatic high note)
- And now, with
tonight's book review,
heeeeere's Johhny!
- Well, we were supposed to
review a controversial new book
on television censorship
entitled Pastoria's Complaint.
(audience laughs)
But Tommy Smuthers
said, "Hands off."
(audience laughs)
- Hike.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Kangaroos by Henry Gibson.
Kangaroos are expensive
but they're worth it.
(audience laughs)
(muttering)
- Pardon me, young
fella, but which one is me?
(audience laughs)
- You're the other one.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
You had me worried
for awhile. (laughs)
Let's go to the swings.
- Yes, yes.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you ever
let your hair down?
There.
Doesn't that make
you feel different.
Miss Briggs.
You know with your hair
down and your glasses off,
I can see that...
- Yes, yes.
- I can see that you're wanted
for shoplifting in Denver.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hi.
- Care to join me
in the end zone?
Little girl, you wanna
play on the jungle gym?
Come on with me.
- And now, for some more
stinging social comment.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Horse.
- Fly.
- Hail, Marcus, hero of
the war against Carthage.
- There goes another $40 hairdo.
(audience laughs)
- Your Johnny tells
me that every night
when you come home
you hit him and hit him.
- Well, what are ya
listenin' to him for?
The kid's punchy.
(audience laughs)
- I'll take one.
- Well, I'll take
the other three.
Come on, girls.
(audience laughs)
- Pucker up, Johnny, baby.
(audience laughs)
- Darling, when I meet
your mother in England
do I curtsy before she
faints or after she comes to?
(audience laughs)
(men chattering and singing)
- Tyrone?
- Huh?
- My roommate has
a wrinkled prune.
- You think that's bad, my
prune has a wrinkled roommate.
(audience laughs)
- I'll show you my
magic Walnetto.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, what's the
matter, my dear?
Don't you like me anymore?
(gasps)
You just made an
old man very happy.
(audience laughs)
- And in the immortal
words of Josh Golden,
if your doctor
removes your appendix
without your consent, you may
charge him with side swiping.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it's time for
a couple of quickies.
- Oh, I'd like to, but I
haven't got the time.
- Quickies only
take a few seconds.
- Well, in that case I'll
give you a few minutes.
- Sorry, I don't have the time.
- Okay, here's some quickies.
(upbeat music)
It's time for a quickie
A tricky little quickie
A kicky little quickie
Just like Dan and Dicky so well
It might make ya sicky
But don't be picky picky
'Cause when things
are getting sticky
And your tongue is getting ticky
Try a quickie and you're
gonna lose your bird
That's a cuckoo
Try a quickie and you're
gonna lose your bird
You can say that again
Gonna lose your bird
One more time
Gonna lose your bird
- It's time for a quickie!
- Hey, Gold, I can
see you through here.
- You can?
- Yeah.
- Who am I?
- I don't know, Gold.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
- I think that you are
very interesting, too.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Hey gang.
If you know any
teenagers in prison,
send them some candy
and help them break out.
(upbeat music)
- And now for our
Laugh-In spelling bee.
Spell 'weather.'
- Um, (giggles)
w-a-e-t-h-e-r.
- That's the worst
spell of weather
we've had in a long time.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Abigail, those men,
up there on the stage.
They're naked!
- I know, but what
about all those women?
- Later, later.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- May I clear the
table now, sir?
- Yes, Yonkel.
(audience laughs)
- Will there be
anything else, sir?
- No, I think I've
caught a cold.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- Well, that about wraps
up our quickies for tonight.
And now... - Shh!
I'm listening to
William F. Buckley.
- Oh?
What's he saying?
- How would he know?
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer]
Stupid question #409.
- [Byron] Say chief,
how we make out?
(audience laughs)
- Me get nailed to wall.
(audience laughs)
- Coulda fooled me.
(laughter drowns out speech)
- Sure, where is she?
- It's a game I'm talkin' about,
a game called One-Liners.
- How's it go?
- Well, give me a subject
and I'll show ya how it goes.
- Uh, marriage.
- Okay, gang, we're
gonna play One-Liners
and the subject is marriage.
- You know, marriage is great.
Gives a guy a nice
warm bed to go home to.
If his girlfriend is sick.
(audience laughs)
- I'd get married in a minute...
if I didn't have to live in.
(audience laughs)
- Marriages are made in heaven.
Maybe that's why so
many atheists fool around.
(audience laughs)
- Marriage is the only answer
for girls who are
too shy to adopt.
(audience laughs)
- The trouble with
a lot of marriages is
that after she says
I do, she won't.
(audience laughs)
- I've been married for 14 years
and believe me it's
just one big honeymoon
right after the other. (laughs)
Guess why.
Because my hubby
owns a motel in Burbank.
Do you understand that, hm?
(audience laughs)
- The computer dating
company promised to find
me a husband of equal
interests and intelligence.
You know, someone whose
wheels turn (stutters) like my own.
(audience laughs)
Ya know Saturday I'm
marrying a rotisserie.
(audience laughs)
- That's how ya play One-Liners.
- Good, let's try it sometime.
- Why not?
(upbeat music)
- Thank you.
(bell dings)
- That's my tinkle.
(audience laughs)
(loud horn blows)
(comedic boinging)
(audience laughs)
(slide whistle descends)
(upbeat music)
- Funky.
- And now, some meaningful words
to aid NBC's war on poverty.
(bell dings)
- Your Johnny ate a
stick of chalk, an eraser,
and a box of crayons.
- Well isn't that strange.
At home we can't
get him to eat a thing.
(upbeat music)
- Coffee.
- Pot.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- (sings operatic note) Ya
devil, you oughtta kiss me.
(laughs) (kisses air)
Girl lips.
- I've forgotten my money.
- Oh, don't be silly, darling.
I'll loan you a hundred.
(audience laughs)
As much as you want. (laughs)
Cute ears.
Korman? Korman?
(audience laughs)
- Understand, sweetheart,
it means absolutely nothing
to me, but before you meet
mother, do get some sun.
(audience laughs)
- Do my best, love.
- You know, one
thing I've noticed...
One thing I've noticed, Peter,
you English certainly
are proud of your queens.
- Yes, we've legalized them.
(audience laughs)
- How 'bout that, sports fans?
(audience laughs)
- Well, I have some good news
and some bad news tonight.
First, my wife decided
to spend the summer
with her mother.
Now, for the bad news.
Her mother lives with us.
(audience laughs)
(fanfare music)
- And now, as we travel
further along memory lane,
it's time for this
season's first
flying fickle finger
of fate award.
- And, pray tell, who gets
the daring delightful darling
darting digitous
Derringer dis time?
- The fun folks at the Pentagon
who approve the projects
and spend the money
for our military
defense program.
- Oh, you got to be careful.
Remember there's five sides
to every story at the Pentagon.
- That's true, but
according to an article
in Newsweek, the poor
babies have been forced
to scrap a few of
their pet projects.
- Well, maybe they could
save us a few dollars.
- Well, yes, they could
and no, they didn't.
- Oh?
- Regardez moi.
The B-70 Bomber, the
nuclear powered plane,
the Snark Robot Bomber.
(audience laughs)
- So they blew a few bucks.
Nobody's perfect.
- The Navajo Missile, the
Dyna-Soar space plane.
- There's more?
- Ha ha, is there ever.
The Sky-Bolt air
to ground missile.
A grand total.
- What does it come to?
- $9,000,000,000 and change.
- Yuck.
Should we let 'em have it?
- Well, I think they
should get something
for all that money.
- Okay, Pentagonians,
take this and place it carefully
up with your other richly
deserved booby prizes.
(audience laughs)
- And, incidentally,
Pentagon people,
before you leave your
desks and grab your guns,
you're sharing tonight's award
with the beloved Congress
of the United States
who allotted more money to you
than to the poverty, education,
and housing programs
combined in their new government
of the Pentagon, by the
Pentagon, and for the Pentagon.
(audience laughs)
- Now, tune in next week folk
when the flying
fickle finger of fate
or the pretty probing pinky
as some of Big Al's friends
call it, goes to
Broadway Joe Namath
for completing 27
passes on his knees
in his living room
last night twice.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that Joe Namath.
He sets my back field in motion.
Watch.
(audience laughs)
- Hike.
("Pop Goes the Weasel"
instrumental music)
- Hello out there.
This is Cynthia Truell,
your beauty expert again.
I hope you all feel
and look beautiful today
because I have some
beautiful beauty hints
for all you beautiful
creatures out there.
And the questions
this week from all of you
who are interested in
beauty are simply beautiful.
The first one, this
question comes
from Mrs. Mabel Rippawahm
from Sioux City, Arizona.
And she says, "Dear
Miss Truell," sweet.
"Two years ago I went to
Japan for special surgery.
"I had my bust
built up with plastic
"and now they're breaking down.
"What can I do?"
Well, (clears throat) nothing.
Plastic never holds up.
(audience laughs)
Now, the next question.
"Dear Miss Truell,
I have a large wart
"on my third finger, left hand.
"What shall I do
about this wart?"
Well, actually I think
you should just have
a nice platinum
setting made for it
and everyone'll
think you're engaged.
(audience laughs)
To a cheap frog.
Bonsoir all you penny poo pals.
(audience laughs)
(loud horn blows)
- [Announcer] Good
morning, Mr. Phelps.
The man you
are looking for is...
(loud explosion)
(slide whistle descends)
- Now, here's another
letter to Laugh-In.
$2 is already winging
its way to Lynn Donaldson
of Memphis, Tennessee
for this little goody.
- I'm sorry, darling.
The new maid burned the
eggs and bacon this morning.
Would you be satisfied with
a couple of kisses instead?
- Sure.
Bring her in.
(audience laughs)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen of our radio audience,
here's Timothy Leary
and Cassius Clay
to sing "The High
and the Mighty."
(audience laughs)
- All right, hold it right
there, Gary Owens.
I'm gonna plug ya.
- Oh no, don't plug me.
- I'm gonna plug ya.
- Well, okay, if
there's no other way.
Go ahead and plug me.
- Watch for Gary's
new afternoon TV show,
Letters to Laugh-In,
Mondays through Friday
on NBC starting September 29th.
(audience laughs)
- I thought you said you
were going to plug me.
- Oh yes, of course.
(gun fires quietly)
- [Audience Members] Aww!
- Heavens to Betsy.
- That's the way it
goes sometimes, Gar.
- Well, as they used to say
in the old Gale Storm Show,
that about wraps it
up for tonight, folks.
We're awfully glad - Hold it.
- You could join us
- Hold it right there.
Hold it.
Hold it.
- We're a little late and
the kids are in the joke wall.
- Well, I've got something
just a little more important
than the joke wall.
- Name one.
- Well, when a viewer
takes the time to write
a letter it's only
right that I read it.
- All right, have it my way.
- "Dear Dick,"
starts off. (laughs)
- It starts off.
- From Mt. Ida.
- It goes on.
(audience laughs)
- "Dear Dick"...
- Read the letter!
- All right, I am!
"I wanted to write and
tell ya that the favorite part
"of the show for me is
the joke wall." (laughs)
Cue the joke wall!
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(audience applauds)
Goodnight Old Gipper,
wherever you are.
- Goodnight, folks.
(audience applauds)
- Hello.
You really have
done a remarkable job
in your experiment with
the democratic system
here in America.
Just think, it was only
a hundred years ago
when President Lincoln
freed the black people
and already some of
them are in yo schools.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Teresa?
- Yeah, Ruth.
- I crossed a
chicken with a guitar.
- And what did
you get, pray tell?
- I don't know.
It plucked itself to death.
(audience laughs)
- Well, now they've done it.
A plucked guitar chicken joke.
Dan, I'm furious!
(audience laughs)
- By the shores of Gitchy Goomy
I water skied with Regis Toomey.
(audience laughs)
- Last night my
psychiatrist tried to kiss me.
- Well, what did you do?
- Well I told him maybe
we should sit up for awhile.
(audience laughs)
- Congratulations, Jeremy,
you just won the booby prize.
- Oh, I'd rather have a radio.
(audience laughs)
- You know, my psychiatrist
said that sex is bad for one,
but for two it's
terrific. (laughs)
- What runs around all
day and lies down all night
with its tongue hanging out?
- My left sneaker, but
I'd rather have a radio.
(audience laughs)
- I just spent two
years building a house
all by myself and
now I can't use it.
- Why not?
- I can't get it out
of the basement.
(audience laughs)
- Hey Judy?
Judy, Judy.
(drowning each other out)
I have a friend who invented
a new insect repellent.
- What do you call it?
- He doesn't know yet, he
has to work the bugs out of it.
(audience laughs)
- Does anybody
have some birdseed?
- Goldie, I didn't
know you kept birds.
- No, I wanna grow some.
(audience laughs)
- Dick and Dan, Dick and Dan.
- Yes, Judy, Judy, Judy.
- My uncle opened a lifeguard
school and he can't swim.
- How's he making out?
- Oh, just barely keeping
his head above water.
- Maybe he'd
rather have a radio.
- [Dan] Shut up.
- Shut up.
- You know a lot of countries
are on the gold standard.
- Yeah, who's on silver?
- The Lone Ranger.
- Maybe he got my radio.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(cymbals crash)
(upbeat music)
- May I have your address,
you lovely vision of Venus?
- It's (speaks gibberish).
- It's what?
- X-V-I-
V-1-L-L,
exiziveal.
(audience laughs)
- Oh that exi-vi-vuh-vi-el.
- (laughs) You got it.
- I didnt' even know there
was an Ape-ean Way.
(audience laughs)
(bell dings)
- May I help you, sir?
(audience laughs)
- All I have is a quarter.
Could I have a little one?
- Well, certainly.
Right this way.
Sweet, adorable, little Henry.
Do your stuff.
(audience laughs)
- Medic!
(audience laughs)
- What's a medic?
- [Perry] I like
it, Mike, I like it.
We can call it Laugh-In.
- [Mike] No, no, Perry.
Somebody's already
using Laugh-In.
- [Perry] Oh, all right
then, what'll we call it?
- [Mike] Well, how
about Hee Haw?
(audience laughs)
- Not a bad idea, Mike.
- The preceding program
was pre-recorded earlier
to allow the cast time to
arrange for transportation
to ABCDEFGHI've got a gal
in Kalamazoo.
(audience laughs)
- Very interesting.
- What do you mean
"Very interesting?"
It was stupid.
- Yes, it was stupid.
But it was also
very interesting.
(audience laughs)
- It was not as
interesting as it was stupid.
(audience laughs)
- Nonetheless, it
was still interesting.
- [Tall Soldier] Stupid.
- [Wolfgang] Interesting.
- All right, all right.
It was interesting.
- But it was also stupid.
(audience laughs)
- Wolfgang, go to your dum-dum.
(audience laughs)
- What's a dum-dum?
- The fuhrer is alive
and living in Kate Smith's.
(audience laughs)
(electronic music)
(squeaky door opening)
(clapping)
(electronic beeping)
(clapping)