Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 26 - Episode #2.26 - full transcript

- [Voiceover] The
following program

is brought to you in
living color on NBC.

(NBC theme)

- We certainly are happy
to have Dr Billy Graham

on Laugh-In tonight.

- We really are happy and
very honored I'd like to add.

You know, Dr. Graham,

tell me do you think
that any of your friends

or associates might
criticize you for appearing

on a show like this?

- Oh I'm sure they will.



I think that many people
are going to criticize me

for being on Laugh-In.

But you know,

Jesus moved among
publicans and sinners

and I think I can
come on Laugh-In.

(audience laughs)

In fact some people think that

I should have come
on here a lot sooner.

(audience clapping)

- Irvin, I want you and
Herbie to get up on yon rise

and you Sal you get over there

behind that big tree out there.

And make sure none of them
Arabs come across that Suez.

(audience laughing)



I'd like to tell a
joke about a chicken

And what about the water buffalo

Did you hear about the
spinster and the dirty old man

How does it go Ask it to Dan

I got a joke that mentions
downtown Burbank

That shaggy dog was
once a shaggy bob

If I feel gloomy
they sock it to me

And everybody laugh it up.

(yelling and wooing)

- Hey Goldie,

don't you think Rex
Harrison dresses Natalie?

- Natalie who?

(playful music)

- Henry, in the peace
settlement in South Vietnam,

do you think the Viet
Cong should take part?

- Part, heck no
they want it all.

(audience laughs)

- Hey Dick and Dan.

Boy oh boy aren't those
doctors getting expensive?

- Yeah Jo Anne you lose
your health getting wealthy

and lose your
wealth getting healthy.

(playful music)

- I had a wonderful
time last night,

I went to see Candy.

Tonight I'm takin
her to the movies.

(playful music)

- Dave do you believe
the younger generation

is on the road to disaster?

- Well, Ruth, the ones I know

are always on some kind of trip.

(playful music)

- Hey Arte Arte Arte Arte.

- Yeah yeah Chelsea
would you like

to see Wallace run again?

- Yes, to Cuba.

(playful music)

- Hey, Dick, you think you're
as smart as Lester Maddox?

- Yes I do I think I'm as
smart as Lester Maddox?

- Oh yeah?

Name two pronouns.

- Who, me?

- Hey you are as
smart as Lester Maddox.

(playful music)

- Say Big Al did you read
William Buckley's last column?

- Boy I hope so.

(playful music)

- Hot-o-momma.

- Say Joanne,

- What did Adam
Clayton Powell say

when the senate asked him

to again explain his
expense account?

- Well Dave,

he said "stop me if
you heard this one".

(playful music)

- Judy Judy Judy.

- What is it Dick?

- If you went to Washington
how would you stop inflation?

- Simple, make
everyone take the pill.

(playful music)

- You know Danny,

my idea of an honest politician

is once he's been
bribed, he stays bribed.

(audience laughs)

Now it's time for a
show called Laugh-In

- Or think of one
and throw confetti up.

Your jokes are sinkin
Keep her clean kid

And everybody laugh it up

Everybody laugh it
up (audience clapping)

- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank

baby carriage and
sports car shop,

NBC likes to think
CBS is presenting

Rowan And Martin's Laugh-In.

Starring Dan Rowan

and Dick Martin

and Judy Carne

Arte Johnson

with Ruth Buzzi Henry
Gibson Goldie Hawn

Dave Madden Alan Sues

Chelsea Brown

Jo Anne Worley

and... Yours truly Gary Owens.

And Morgul as
The Friendly Drelb.

- But first,

here come the commercial, folk.

(playful music)

(crashing)

- Well we're awfully glad

that you came on the
show tonight Dr Graham.

- Well I'm very happy
to be here, Dan.

As a matter of fact,

many of my people advised
me to come on tonight

because they said this
show didn't have a prayer.

(funny music)

- I forgot.

- Clamp.

- Clamp.

- Clamp.

The boys are
marching (playful music)

(heels clicking)

(grunting in pain)

- And now folk,

stand by for the
stars of Laugh-In,

the two and only
Rowan and Martin.

Or as they're known on Gunsmoke,

public enemy number one

and public enemy number two.

Our own Dack and Din.

(audience clapping and cheering)

(orchestra music)

- Oh P-shaw.

- What an audience huh?

- Yes sir.

Well they're certainly
restless out there this evening.

You're looking forward to
the show tonight are you?

- Yeah, what's the movie?

- What movie?

You doo doo it's Laugh-In.

- Oh that's right
Laugh-In's on tonight,

I'm almost forgot
it was Tuesday.

- It's not Tuesday it's Monday.

- Glad you reminded me.

Don't forget to watch
Laugh-In tomorrow night.

- Laugh-In's not
on tomorrow night.

- Finally cancelled it huh?

It told you they couldn't
keep it up every week.

You heard it here first.

No here.

Back there.

You heard it here first.

- You know who couldn't
keep what up every week?

- Funk and Wagnall.

- They aren't on Laugh-In.

- See I told you they
couldn't keep it up.

- No no you're
getting me confused,

let's go back to the beginning.

- Well in the beginning
in the garden of Eden

there was this boy and
this girl and she had a...

- We might even not
go back quite that far,

let's go back to the
beginning of the show.

- Okay.

- [Voiceover] The following
broadcast is brought to you

in living color on NBC.

- Hey was that Funk and Wagnall?

- That was the NBC peacock.

- That's how our show starts.

- That's what I've
been trying to tell you,

this is our show.

- Oh you mean it's
Tuesday already?

- No, it's Monday.

Laugh-In is on Monday nights.

- Well somebody better
tell Funk and Wagnall

they're gonna be
late for the show.

- Oh that Funk and Wagnalls.

(audience laughing)

- I know that there are
millions of good people

watching Laugh-In tonight.

And I want to remind all of you

that the family that
watches Laugh-In together

really needs to pray together.

(audience laughing)

- Speaking of our
discovery of the week...

It's Arthur Walsh.

- Arthur Walsh? Here?

- You know him?

- I practically grew up
with him, are you kiddin?

I used to date his
sister Florence.

- Well that just proves
it's a small world.

- It is?

- Well that's a
figure of speech.

- That's Florence alright.

(audience laughs)

- Forget about Florence
we're talking about Arthur.

- Arthur who?

- Arthur Walsh.

- I don't know any Arthur Walsh.

- Well it's time you
were introduced to him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Florence's brother,
Mr Arthur Walsh.

(audience applauding)

(Big Band music)

(drum roll)

(cymbals crash)

(audience clapping)

Well Dick,

that's our new discovery
what do you think?

- I loved every minute of it.

- Well Arthur will be
thrilled to hear that.

- Arthur who?

- Arthur Walsh.

- That name sounds familiar.

Does he have a
sister named Florence?

- Now ladies and gentlemen,

the next person to audition for

NBC announcer school.

Yes Ms if you'll read

the first line here
"How do you do".

- How do you do?

- That's a fine "How do you do".

(audience laughing)

- And now moving right along,

as Alastair Sims used to say,

here are some quickies.

- Quickies?

- Yes, Laugh-In
Quickies you doo doo.

Our little game to see how fast

you can get to the punch line.

- Like this!

(alarm bell)

- This Blackjack?

- Yeah.

- Okay, hit me.

(thump)

(audience laughing)

- I'll play these.

(alarm bell)

- Let's have a
cheer for the team.

- [Nuns] B-U-R-B-A-N-K,
B-U-R-B-A-N-K,

Burbank, Burbank.

Hallelujah

(alarm bell)

(footsteps tapping)

(audience laughing)

(alarm bell)

- R-O-T-C?

- No, R-O-T-C-F-M.

(alarm bell)

(audience laughing)

(drum bounce)

(alarm bell)

Stand back world
I'm comin through

Nothing can stop
me Nah nah nah...

- Nah nah nah nah.

(alarm bell)

(arrow whoosh)

- Hey Will.

You want to try a watermelon?

(alarm bell)

(safe clicking)

- Son.

- Father!

- Come in and help
guard the wild meadow.

(door closing)

(audience laughing)

(alarm bell)

(playful music)

- "The Underground"
by Henry Gibson.

If it were not for
the underground

wouldn't we all cave in?

- Gladys you know,

the Bible teaches that
marriages are made in heaven.

And I have a feeling

that you're going to receive

at least three proposals
to marriage this year.

- Oh no Billy boy,

I'll take the first one.

(audience laughing)

(humming)

- Might not sound like much now

but in two minutes
this whole place

will be swarming with Vikings.

(audience laughing)

- Clamp.

- Put em in my hand,
Nurse, when I ask.

- I'm sorry Doctor.

- Scalpel.

- Scalpel!

(scream)

- You asked doctor, you asked!

(audience laughing)

(heels click)

(playful music)

(audience laughing)

- Listen you guys,

as long as Robin's
away I got an idea.

What say we rob from
the rich and the poor,

split it three ways?

- You're terrific.

(playful music)

- Retreat.

- Dr Graham,

I hope you realize
how much all of us here

respect your great work

and what you're
doing for young people.

- Well thank you Chelsea.

But you know we can
all work for the Lord.

After all he was the original
Equal Opportunity Employer.

(audience laughing)

(galloping)

(boing)

(crash)

- If Tiny Tim formed a company

with Pam Mason
and Muhammad Ali...

It would be the
Tiny-Tim-Panali club.

- Spooky old Alice and I

have argued valiantly
all over the world.

Our lines have been
one noble global conflict.

- How do you like
my uniform huh?

It's worn by many
Argentine cab drivers.

- This was really weird.

- Alright men the
General's gone,

as you were.

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

- Well I must say you're
looking very fit this evening.

- Must be the exercise,

I jogged five
miles this morning.

- You jogged five
miles this morning?

- So did I.

- Oh that's wonderful.

- Yeah, three miles
there, two miles back.

- Three miles there
and two miles back?

- Yeah.

- Well, that's impossible.

- Well I ran faster
on the way back.

(audience laughs)

- Well it's still the
same distance.

- Then how come it took
me less time to get back?

- Well you probably ran
faster on the way back.

- No, I took a shortcut.

(audience laughs)

- Oh well that makes sense,

the shortcut's two miles.

- Right, two miles
there, three miles back.

- Well now that can't be.

It's the same distance.

- Well it would be but

there's no shortcut
on the way back.

(audience laughs)

- Wait a minute, let
me get this straight.

You jogged five miles
this morning right?

Now, you went three miles
there and two miles back

because you took a shortcut

which is two miles.

But it's three miles back.

But there's no shortcut.

Is that right?

- Right.

I think.

- No, that's wrong.

- What?

- No, the shortcut
can't be two miles

and three miles back.

It has to be the same
distance both ways.

- Well it wouldn't
be a shortcut then.

- Oh well that clears that up.

- Yeah, wooo.

- Let's go to Judy Carne
for a campus report.

- Want to take a shortcut?

- No, I'm tired.

(audience laughs)

- Hello.

There's solemn news
from Berkeley tonight.

It seems 50 University of
California demonstrators

were suspended today
and formally charged

with breaking into the cafeteria

and smoking the food.

(audience laughs)

And now, here's Duckie.

- We have with us
tonight the winner

of the latest campus fad,

holding your breath.

Rosemary Donovan has
been holding her breath now

for six hours.

How do you feel Miss Donvovan?

(air wooshes)

Oooooooo

- One of the biggest
problems on campus

is the alleged racism in
fraternities and sororities.

- One thing you'll
like about this sorority,

it's the most liberal
one on campus.

- Liberal?

Just because they
took in one Negro?

- Oh no silly.

Because I took in 30 whites.

(audience laughing)

- Lest the headlines
mislead you there is still

much to be learned
in college today.

- Let me welcome you

to our first lecture

on electrical energy...

and it's applications
in modern day life.

I must admonish all of you

that in the course
of our experiments

we will be working with
exceedingly high voltage.

Now the battery on this side,

to which this wire is attached

is the negative charge.

This battery on this side
is the positive charge.

These are known as
the anode and cathode.

At no time, mind you at no time,

must these two wires comes into

direct contact with each other.

(shock noise)

(audience laughs)

- Hello, that about wraps up our

campus report for this week.

And remember guys,

if you can't decide whether
to barricade yourselves

in the cafeteria
or the girls dorm,

choose the girls dorm.

One good swinger beats
three squares any day.

(audience laughs)

- Later that same year.

- And now ladies and gentlemen

here's the part of the program

Sergeant Schultz enjoys most.

The Laugh-In news
report of the past,

present and future.

Imagine what it
is if Schultz likes it.

Dance dance dance dance

What's the news
across the nation

We have got the information

In a way we hope will amuse you

Da da da da da da
da da da da da da

We just love to give you a fued

Mmmmm la da di da

Ladies and gents
Laugh-In talks about news.

- [Dancers] Oye, Shalom Dan.

(audience claps)

- What a nice boy.

- Oh have I got a fella for you.

And now for the news... (laughs)

Now for the news,

wouldn't be the news
without the news,

here's Dickie.

(audience applause)

(Big Band music)

(laughs)

- Okay, dateline Moscow.

Red China today
threatened to bury Russia.

This is an ironic
move since Russia

once threatened to
bury the United States.

Meanwhile in Paris,

Charles de Gaulle ordered
round the clock efforts

to speed up French
shovel production.

(audience laughs)

Dateline Hollywood.

American International
Pictures today

signed Annette Funnicelli

for a remake of "What Ever
Happened to Baby Jane?"

Annette will go
topless for the first time

and the film will be called

"What Ever Happened
to Baby Fat?"

(audience laughs)

Did you leave a call sir?

Dateline West Germany.

The Bonn government has
denied reports that Germany

is experiencing a
resurgence of Nazism.

He further stated that those
responsible for the reports

would never dare spread
such malicious rumors

if they still had
relatives in Germany.

(audience laughs)

And that goes for your cat too.

Take it away Goldie.

(drum roll)

(Goldie Laughs)

- So weird.

And now..

Now with the future news,

I'll never get it right.

In the future, here's Dan.

- Now that's very good Goldie.

- Well you don't have
to act so surprised.

- Well now I'm not
surprised that you got it right

the first time.

- Oh.

Well I'm glad you're not
surprised because I'm amazed.

(audience laughs)

- News of the future 1989,

20 years from now.

The nation seems to be
thriving quite well on its

100% seafood diet.

Except during the
recent spawning season

when the entire population
of New York state

was crushed trying to swim
up the Saint Lawrence river.

(audience laughs)

Chicago, 1989.

Mayor Daley announced
today that he has

just purchased the Berlin wall.

The mayor was quoted as saying,

"Not only is it
aesthetically pleasing

"but it will come
in handy during the

"upcoming
democratic convention."

Washington, 1989.

General Luis B
Hershey the fourth

declared today that
the new volunteer army

is an unqualified success
claiming that in the last month

enlistments have doubled.

The General further
announced that both soldiers

will be sent to Vietnam...

Where they will
watch over our sailor.

(audience laughs)

- Now, for all of you
who've been waiting

for a Laugh-In news extra,

here's a Laugh-In news
extra you've all been

waiting for.

(bell rings)

- [Loudspeaker]
Your attention please,

General Alarm.

World War Four has started.

(phone rings)

- I'll get it.

- Oh sit still
Admiral I'll get it,

you got World War Three.

- And now direct from

the Burbank International
Airport Weather Bureau,

here's Dave "Down-Wind"
Madden with a

greater Los Angeles
weather forecast.

Take it away Down Wind.

- Down Wind here.

And tomorrow,

Los Angeles is gonna have
weather from one end to the other.

Here's the breakdown
unless I missed my guess.

(coughing)

Got 15 percent chance of rain,

(coughing)

30 percent chance
of wind and air,

(coughing)

and a 99 percent
chance of... Smog.

(coughing)

And a five percent chance

of survival.

(playful music)

- Surprise!

(laugh)

Now it's time for our
Laugh-In sports report.

With that

I would like to say
ladies and gentlemen

we switch you to our
Laugh-In sports reporter,

the player who holds
the world's record

for competed passes in a huddle.

(laughs)

Think about it.

Good old Big Al himself.

- Hi, Big Al here...

With a Big Al featurette.

(bell ringing)

Oh I love that bell.

Yours truly just got back
from jolly old England

where I covered the
International Channel Swim.

And the biggest
splash of all was made

by Giuseppe Natalie,

the Sicilian swordfish
who swam 26 miles

from Dover to Calais

in 13 hours and 12 minutes.

But the real excitement
was when his return trip

which took exactly 38 seconds.

What happened was
Giuseppe dived in at Dover

he caught his stretch
trunks on the dock.

(laugh)

Snap snap hubba hubba.

(audience laughs)

Ta Ta.

- Go like this and say,

"Big Al is a cuckoo".

(audience laughs)

- There has been some
controversy recently

over the idea of
televising certain trials

which are of special interest
to the American public.

Laugh-In feels
that this could result

in some changes in
court room procedure.

- All rise please.

Here come the judge,
here come the judge.

Take One.

(clap board claps)

(audience laughing)

(gavel strikes)

- This court is now in...

Could you hold that
card up so I can read it?

- Oh, hat's the man.

- Thank you.

- Oh you noticed me.

- Ahem.

Mister defense
counselor would you

bring your client to the bench?

I want you gentlemen
to know that these...

proceedings are being televised

and you are now on television.

- Great, take it Rocco.

On the good ship Lollipop.

- Order order.

- I object.

- On what grounds?

- Well I just wanted
to be sure I got a line.

(audience laughs)

- Counsel,

the defendant is charged
with firing a shotgun

into a church clock,

setting fire to a park bench,

poisoning a horse,

and exploding a planetarium.

How does your client plead?

- Guilty with an explanation.

He was rehearsing a
guest shot on manics.

(audience laughs)

- I will now pass sentence.

In a moment you're
going to find out

what's going to happen to you.

But first... this
important message.

La da ti da Ladies and gents

Laugh-In looks at the news

- [Singers] Oye Vey.

(audience applauds)

- Robin. Robin Hood.

We just captured the
Sherrif of Nottingham

and we're bringing him here.

- Gee whiz that's great!

How did you capture him?

- Blow in his ear and
he'll follow you anywhere.

- You are a true merry man.

- Ow.

(audience laughs)

- Operator do you
know the area code

for Columbia University?

Thank you.

(explosion)

(playful music)

(laugh)

- Last night as you remember,

Britt Reid the Green Hornet

turned to his faithful
oriental servant Kato

and said...

- You ain't seen
nothin yet folk.

(audience laughs)

(pull-string whooshes)

- Hello, I'm your Judy doll.

Pull my string, I smile.

(bell music)

Ring my chimes, I hit!

(audience laughs)

- Just in case you've
already recovered

from that last barrage
of crass comercialism,

the friendly folks at
NBC gonna sock it to you

one more time.

- Sock it to me sock it to
me sock it to me sock it to me.

(audience laughs)

- You know Judy,

Laugh-In can be viewed
as a great spiritual conflict.

- How do you mean Dr Graham?

- Well the producer
leads us toward temptation

but the censor is
one of our people.

And after tonight
I'd like to have

a further talk with him.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

- Party.

(laughs)

(rock music)

(audience applauds)

- I have no objection
to drive-in churches

but I refuse to give
curb service on baptism.

(rock music)

- Hey Sandy.

You know for Lent I'm
giving up girls for 40 days.

- Dick, that's 40
days and 40 nights.

- Mmm at night I'm
giving up sky diving.

(rock music)

- The Kids at school always
give up something for Lent.

This year they
decided to give up

the administration building.

(rock music)

- You know last week
I went back to college

and I picked up
my bachelor of art.

And a bachelor of philosophy

and an electronics engineer.

(laugh)

And two cops for good measure.

Aaaaaaa (rock music)

- Not all kids are
bad these days.

My 14 year old cousin
just became Den Leader

in the girl scouts.

Now that boy is going
to amount to something.

(whoosh)

- Naughty thing. Naughty!

(Rock music)

- I was out with
a fella last night

and he talked me into
getting into the back seat.

But I wanted to stay
up front with him.

(audience laughs)

- Wife swapping is not
an original American idea.

In old country my cousin
swapped his wife for a tractor.

Comes out about even.

His wife plows better

but the tractor's much prettier.

(audience laughs)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey my wife was supposed
to come to the party tonight

but she's home
with mononucleosis.

- Oh?

Well you'd better
be careful then,

you just can't trust
those Greek millionaires.

(rock music)

- Dad's thinking of
cutting back on a lot

of his charitable donations.

He gave a lot of
money to Boys Town.

Now he's not very happy the
way Mickey Rooney turned out.

(audience laughs)

Dad's a real lot of fun huh?

(rock music)

- Chels, I'm confused.

What do you drink
with soul food?

- Oh that's no problem.

Any good black wine will do.

(rock music)

- Inflation's really
getting out of hand.

Last year it cost 21 million
dollars to elect the president.

Well I can remember
when that sum

would buy an entire congress.

(rock music)

(audience claps)

(rock music)

(hooves galloping)

(car engine roaring)

(crash)

(playful music)

- "The Newspaper"
by Henry Gibson.

The newspaper is
my friend because

it tells me so many secrets.

Well take for example
the information

about how to cure mumps
by drinking goats milk.

In addition it can be
used for making hats

or drying bacon.

Basically we are all newsie.

- You know the way they
opened the show in the first place.

- Say got a cigarette?

- I don't have any, you got one?

Yeah there was Bud
and CC Robinson.

- Yeah, Bud and CC.

- There was a... (playful music)

What was the guys
name that used to do the...

- You got a cigarette?

- Sonny Mars or
was it Sonny Sam?

- Thank you.

- And what they were
tryin to do was get

at least two comics and one...

(playful music)

Two comics..

- You don't open
a bill with Gaylord

in Hollywood in the first place.

- No what you need
is a... Or just a...

(audience laughs)

- They're great.

- And have a girl singer.

And you put a Gene Balis...

(audience laughing)

- And then you gotta

get a band lead, you know

that does funny
jokes like Davie.

- Davie Bowl...

And then get a guy like...

Give em all of em yeah.

Now we get a guy
like Jim Henderson,

Bill Bowl.

(playful music)

And then what you try to do is
keep the show under an hour.

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

- You got a light?

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

(audience laughing)

- What's this thing for?

- That's a powder horn.

- Oh, cute.

(audience laughing)

- Nurse.

(playful music)

- That gets it.

(playful music)

(slap)

- Sock it to me.

(piano music)

The things we did last
summer I'll remember

All winter long

(crying)

- Farva how many
times I told you

that them hard flat
things is mozzers.

- I wish..

I were an Oscar Mayer Werner.

(audience laughs)

- That's the way the T-bones.

- That's the way the
wiener schnitzels.

- That's the way
the veal cutlets.

- That's the way the pork.

(audience laughing)

- Dr Graham how
would you describe

what you say to
youngsters today.

- Well that's very easy, Henry.

The young people have
an expression all their own.

They say tell it like it is.

And that's exactly what I've
been trying to do for years.

- And so the main reason

for the generation gap

is the barrier of
the older generation

to listen

to the young.

Next time a young person wants

to say something to you.

Be attentive.

Listen.

(snoring)

(grinding noise)

(yelling)

- Give me all your money.

We rob from the rich
and give to the poor.

(coins jingling)

- Now you've taken all my money.

I'm poor, I'm poor.

- Well in that case
take this money

I just took from a rich guy.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, William Morris?

I've played rotten
club dates before

but this is ridiculous.

- You should have
been in Berlin in '45.

(gunfire)

- I can think of no better time

than after that last
joke to remind all of you,

the Bible says,
"thou shalt not steal".

(audience laughing)

- Certainly enjoying
tonight's show,

how 'bout you?

- Well I guess any show
that has Richard Burton on it

has got to be pretty good.

- Richard Burton's
on the show tonight?

- I didn't know that.

- Come on this is a comedy show.

Richard Burton
is a serious actor.

- I know he got some
of the parts I wanted.

(audience laughs)

- Richard Burton has some
of the parts everybody wanted.

- I'm talking about Hamlet.

- Oh you wanted Hamlet?

- No, I wanted Elizabeth Taylor.

(audience laughing)

- And anyway Richard
Burton's a very busy man.

- Well wouldn't you be?

(audience laughs)

- He makes a million
dollars for what he does

on that silver screen.

- Well I'd do what
he does for nothing,

I'd let him use my place.

- See, Richard Burton
has nothing to gain

by coming on our show.

- Well now I wouldn't say that.

Look what it did
for Richard Nixon.

- Richard Burton doesn't
want to be elected president.

Richard Burton is an Englishman.

- Maybe he wants
to be elected King.

- In the first place,

you wouldn't know what
to do if Richard Burton

came on this show and
surprised us with a guest shot.

- Well I certainly would.

I'd fly to London and
I'd surprise his wife

with a guest shot.

(audience laughing)

- Und so friends,
let's enjoy potpourri.

- Pot-Pourri.

- Yes, potpourri.

Sort of a collection
of odds and ends.

- Look girls I'm getting
a bit tired of Goldie

and her kibitzing.

So when she shows up,

don't show her your cards

and say anything
that'll throw her off.

- Right.

Certainly, it's a
marvelous idea.

It really is.

- Hi girls, playing
a little cardies?

- I have a zerbal, bet a dollar.

- Well I have a crowbush
and I'll raise you a dollar.

- Well with that
I guess I better.

Look at that whackery,

I guess I'll have to raise
you both a lot of money.

- You're crazy.

You can't beat a
zerbal and a crowbush

with a whackery.

Dummies.

(playful music)

Men who are bold
Are often left In the cold

But the story is told

Of a man and his Walnetto.

He'd chew every day

But the thing wouldn't go away

It just laid there

That great American Walnetto.

(audience laughing)

(gunfire)

(grunting)

- Either of you guys know

where I can find General Custer?

(audience laughing)

And the night the poor
thing turned black and blue

Of all the things
I ever did that..

Was when her Walnetto...

La la la lo lo di
do (Gentle music)

- How about a little drink?

How about a little bite?

- Oh I'd love to
you dirty old man.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(playful music)

- Now how in the
world did she do that?

(audience laughing)

(scream)

- Give me that purse lady.

- Hold it right there.

Now before I arrest you
do you fully understand

your civil rights as guaranteed
under the Constitution?

- Yeah.

- Well would you
mind explaining to me,

I never have been
able to figure em out.

(audience laughing)

- You see the first thing is,

you gotta remind me that
I don't have to say nothing.

- Ah.

(audience laughing)

- Let's see.

I think that I'll have a...

Oh hi there you're from
the aircraft carrier huh?

- Yeah that's right.

- Well if you'll go right ahead,

go right ahead there.

- No no I'm in no hurry.

- No no no no nothing's
too good for our boys

in the aircraft carrier,

you go right ahead.

- Thank you very much Sir.

I'll have 974 regulars,
714 cream no sugar,

and 564 black...

To go.

- How many was that?

- And now boys and girls,

get out your decoder thing.

Here is tonight's
secret message.

16, 9, 11, 11.

Now when you've decoded
that secret message,

write it on a little slip of
paper and eat the paper.

And here's a hint about
tonight's secret code word.

It's something every
good little boy should do.

Especially those of you
who don't wear glasses.

- Here comes
the big finish folk.

- I don't know
somehow I can't get over

the feeling that there's a
spy in here somewhere.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't we spread out
and search for him Sarge?

(rocket firing)

(playful music)

(audience laughing)

- Doctor Graham,
do you know that

you're the very first
clergyman we've ever had

come on Laugh-In.

- Well as a matter
of fact, Jo Ann.

I've seen some of your shows

and I think its time
you had a clergyman.

(laughs)

- Me too.

(audience laughs)

- He who lifteth
his consciousness

to the highest
plains of existence

oft findeth his
baggage lost in transit.

- Hey fellas, can I
ask you a question?

- I suppose so Goldie.

- What's on your
pretty little mind?

- Watch this.

Now doesn't that fellow
work on this show?

- [Dan] Well works
a little strong.

That's Paul Keyes.

- [Goldie] I thought so.

What I want to know is

who are those two
guys following Paul?

(playful music)

- Plug.

- Terrific.

(playful music)

- We're ready now doctor.

(tribal shout)

- Alright men be careful.

It's a mine field,
it's a mine field.

- Okay it's a you
field it's a you field.

- Little John, Little John

why do you always wear green?

- Red clashes with the bushes.

Clash clash boo boo.

(audience laughing)

- Well I see by the old
time clock on the wall

that it's sock it to me time.

Excuse me while I punch in.

(bonk)

Oh fellas that's not funny.

- This program reminds me

of a modern day Noah's Ark.

All the old jokes
come on two by two.

(audience laughs)

- Hey how 'bout coming
out to the house tomorrow?

- Well now I'd sure love to.

- Well good.

- But I got a sure thing in
the fifth race at Santa Anita.

- You don't mean to tell me...

- Got it straight from
the horse's mouth.

- You mean a jockey told you?

- No, a horse.

Last week he phoned
me and told me

about a 40 to one shot.

- Oh come on now,

horses can't talk on the phone.

- Well this one can talk.

He can't dial but he can talk.

- Alright now where
did you meet the horse?

- At a bar.

- At a bar.

You're telling me that
a let a horse in a bar?

- Why not, he was over 21?

- And they served him a drink?

- Well after they saw
his driver's license.

- You were sitting in a
bar and a horse walked in?

- That's funny, so was I.

- And you just casually
struck up a conversation

with this horse.

- No, actually he
spoke first as I recall.

- That's nice and polite.

What'd he say?

- Well he asked me to
peel the paper off his straw.

- Oh. The horse?

- What horse?

- The horse you were
sitting in this bar with.

- Oh that horse.

- What horse.

- Well he used to
race all the time.

- He used to be a race horse?

- Yeah...
- No kidding.

- Race race race.

- And he gave you
inside information?

- Till they caught
him doping a jockey.

He told me to bet on his cousin.

He told me to bet on his
cousin the fourth at Belmont.

- You're just the sort of
ding-a-ling that would do it too.

- Sure am boy.

- I hope you realize
how foolish you are

sitting in a bar,
a horse walks in,

you get a few drinks of alcohol,

get bombed out of your tree,

now you start to fantasize
this entire incident.

Then you went and threw...

Don't worry it
takes a little longer.

Now you threw good money away

in a mistaken belief that

a horse that had given
you a tip on a race

would win money for you

and waste all of your time

and all of your money

and I hope you've
learned your lesson.

- I forgot the question.

- Well how did the horse do?

- Well he won!

- Alright.

Speaking of letters to Laugh-In.

- Speaking of what?

- I've forgotten.

Letters to Laugh-In.

Now we're gonna
hear from our audience.

And you can bet on that.

- Don't wake him.

(audience laughing)

- Now it's time for this week's

letters to Laugh-In.

Let's see what the old mail
bag has brought us tonight.

- Well here's a goodie.

A guy writes "My
girlfriend is so ugly

"when you blow a dog
whistle she hears it".

That's not all.

"her measurements are 34, 24.

"She's very short."

(audience laughing)

- Well... how about this one?

A girl writes that

"her boyfriend
can hold his liquor

"but he can't hold the
glass and he drops it

"and spills it and just
hates to waste any

"so in lapping it up

"he's developed
a 57 inch tongue".

(audience laughing)

I do find that hard to believe.

- Here's a goodie.

This one comes from Kevin
Mcmillan of Stockton California.

And Kevin writes "Raquel
Welch ain't got nothin on me

"but I sure wish she did"

(audience laughing)

I'll drink to that Kevin.

(audience laughs)

- This isn't gonna make you
fall off your chairs or anything

but if you think
about it a minute

you're gonna really like it.

- How's it goin Dan?

- Well Alan.

Now get this folks.

Alan a lot of the
students at colleges today

don't know much
about American history.

- Well you can't blame them.

Most of it happened
before they were born.

- Oh kids. Yoohoo kids.

Come out and
listen I got a goodie.

- This is us listening.

(audience laughing)

- That's all I wanted.

This fellow writes "my
girlfriend takes the pill

"but she's nearsighted

"and keeps getting
cold pills instead"

They've got 14 kids
but none of them

were born with a cold.

(audience laughing)

- Here's a thoughty one.

Now just think about it.

Yes. This is from W.P.
Stewart of Ottawa Canada.

And it's the
announcement of a pilot

to his passenger on
the plane about to land.

You got the picture?

Alright now the pilot's
talking and he says

"We're now arriving at Burbank
descending to an altitude

"of 5,000 feet.

"the weather is clear and sunny,

"we'll be on the
ground shortly so

"please extinguish
all cigarettes,

"fasten your seat belt

"and set your watch
back 20 years".

(audience laughing)

- I got one, Judy.

- Okay.

- I'll ask you.

- Oh, alright.

- Isn't this fun?

(woman sings a note)

"Did you know that Richard
Burton is considered to be

"one of our greatest Thespians?"

- You've got your
thumb on my line.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah that's so
much for letters

for Laugh-In this week.

I never knew our
audience was so hilar...

ious.

- Frankly it's got me just
a smidgie doo worried.

- Well what do you mean sir?

- Well if this keeps
up they're liable

to replace us
with a letter opener

and call the show Write-In.

- Bite your tongue.

- Folks, send your
little goodies to Laugh-In

care of the old mail bag,

beautiful downtown Burbank.

And if your joke
is read on the air

you will receive free of charge

this picture...

Or two dollars...
Whichever comes first.

(audience laughing)

- Two dollars sounds
like a good deal to me.

(audience laughing)

- Alright assemble the mounts.

- Sir this is the infantry.

- Alright assemble the infants.

(scream)

- How are your
daughter and husband?

- Just fine they're
living happily ever after.

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

(heels clicking)

(audience chuckling)

(heels clicking)

(audience laughing)

- Hi guys, I'm sorry I'm late.

(ricochet pinging)

- The Bible tells us
that Moses walked

at least forty days and
forty nights in the desert.

Just think, If all
of us did that,

we could miss nearly
six weeks of Laugh-In.

(playful music)

(audience laughing)

- I feel like a new man tonight.

- Well it's time to
say goodnight Dick.

- Hi, I'm the loser in the
Tiny Tim look-a-like contest.

- If you think that's
something you should hear

what bippy means in German.

- You're kidding.

- Oh...

and listen.

Following the preemption
for the next few months

- Speaking of preemptions...

I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something

my aunt once told me.

- She know something
about preemptions?

- Does she ever.

(wooohoo)

You see what happened she
was going with a glass blower

from Battle Creek Michigan.

- Oh I remember him.

- Yes. And what happened is...

He was applying his trade

and they both fell in a
big vat of Mayonnaise

and I always
thought perhaps what

what she said as
they were sliding by

would be of interest.

- You're going to get to
preemptions sooner or later?

- Oh yeah.

- Yes.

- She said "blow
in the Mayonnaise

"and I'll preempt you anywhere".

(audience laughing)

- Say good night Dick.

- Good night Dick.

- Good night everybody.

(Big Band music)

(audience applauds)

- Hey Arte,

what's black and
white and read all over?

- Students for
democratic action?

- My grandfather fought
with General Pershing,

my father fought with
General Eisenhower,

and my nephew fought
with General Westmoreland.

- Your family didn't
get along with anybody.

(audience laughing)

- And after that remark I
can get along without you.

(audience laughing)

- I used to date a
librarian but it didn't last.

- Why not?

- Well I could only keep her
out for two weeks at a time.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Ruth.

- Yeah?

- What did the parrot say
when it laid a square egg?

(imitating bird sound)

- That's another
wounded parrot joke.

(Jo Anne yelping)

- Judy Gets.

Can you go shopping with me?

- I don't know I have
to knit a new mini-skirt.

- How long will that be?

- Oh just about a foot.

- Oh.

- Ruth did you know that
Dean Martin has a purple heart?

- No kidding was he wounded?

- No, he has ice
cubes in his pocket.

(audience laughing)

- You know I'm a
writer now, Chelsea.

- Oh that's cute have
you sold anything yet?

- Yeah my watch,
my coat, my ice cubes.

(audience laughing)

- Do you know I found out that

I just couldn't stand
my mother-in-law.

And then you know what?

- [Woman] What?

- I realized she was my mother.

(audience laughing)

- Say Goldie. Goldie.

(mumbling in background)

Will you shut up Jo Anne?

- [Dick] Get up
and go with Goldie.

- [Jo Anne] Goldie take
that one for me would you?

- Yeah I'll take it.

- Goldie I wanted to ask
you did you hear about

the sausage maker
who quit his job?

- Maybe he couldn't...

Stand the daily grind.

- Very good Goldie.

- [Jo Anne] Not to
mention his mother-in-law.

(audience laughing)

his mother-in-law.

(siren)

(playful music)

(engine noise)

(crash)

(mumbling)

- One thing you learn
in the forest Little John

is that we trust each other.

Oh look, a cafetcher.

(bonk)

Another thing you
learn in the forest

is that we never turn
our backs on each other.

- This program was pre-recorded
when NBC wasn't looking.

- Dr Graham it's been
a great honor for us

to have a man who
has comforted so many

millions of people all
over the world as you have.

- Yeah I'll go along with that.

You know the interesting
thing to me Dr Graham?

I understand that fully three
quarters of your audience

are made up of
young people under 25.

And I wonder if you
could sum up what you tell

those folks.

- Well thank you, Dan,
and that's exactly right.

I can sum it up in one
passage from the Bible

that I think's the
most familiar passage

in all the Bible.

"For God so loved the world

"that he gave his
only begotten son

"that whosoever believeth in him

"should not perish

"but have everlasting life".

- Very interesting.

And very true.

Think about it.

(tapping)

(beeping)

(tapping)

(Morse code beeps)

(tapping)