Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 2, Episode 9 - Episode #2.9 - full transcript
Sketches include Rosemary visits the cocktail party, Phil Harris presents Sock it to Me, News of the past, present, & future, Victor as postmaster salutes the post office, Dan's discovery ...
(harp music)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- [Dan] Ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borges.
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- Beauty hint number 43.
Before retiring, rub
a little cocoa butter
into your hands.
Now, it won't do your
hands much good,
but it's a great way to
get rid of cocoa butter.
(audience laughing)
- Singing hint number 12.
Breathing varies
from singer to singer.
Some just naturally have
bigger breaths than others.
(audience laughing)
- Beauty hint number 94.
If you are a woman who
runs a busy household,
it is important to your
good looks that once a week
you retire early.
Then in the morning
you can wake up Happy,
then Bashful, then Doc,
then Grumpy, then Dopey.
(audience laughing)
- Singing hint number 21.
You should never hold your
consonants while singing
especially before
a mixed audience.
(audience laughing)
- Here comes
the big finish, folk.
(giggles)
(audience laughing)
- Drinking tip number eight.
First get it from the
glass into your mouth.
(audience laughing)
(ominous player piano music)
- Say yes and I'll tear
up your father's mortgage.
- Yes.
- Ha ha (laughing).
- April Fool.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- And, now from the
allergy ward high atop
the Burbank Home
for the Hopelessly Tall,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
with trepidation.
Also staring Dan Rowan
(audience applauding)
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Victor Borges,
the Banana Splits,
and the legendary
Stardust Cowboy.
And, Judy Carnes, Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, Sweet
Brother Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley,
Chelsea Brown,
Jack Riley,
yours truly Gary Owens
and Morgul the Friendly Drelb.
We'll be right back after
this commercial message.
- There you go
Gary, sure you will.
(audience laughing)
- And now, for your listening
and dancing pleasure,
the dulcet tones of Dan Rowan
and the tonal
dulcets of Dick Martin.
- They're the big kids.
(audience applauding)
- Hi, could we have more cops?
Could you hold
it down a little bit?
Thank you, thank you very much.
- It was almost a
standing ovation.
- I hardly recognized you.
I haven't seen you
around all week.
- Well, I had to go to my
Uncle Willard's funeral.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
know your uncle died.
- Well, he didn't but
it was the only day
I could get off.
(audience laughing)
- That's what I like
about you, Richard,
you're just all heart.
- Yeah, gee it was a
beautiful ceremony, too.
Uncle would have
been proud of it.
- Everybody showed up?
- Well, they all had
the same day off
so it was a good thing.
(audience laughing)
- Could Uncle Willard
be there, was he there?
- No, he had to work.
- Had to work.
What's he do?
- Not much since the funeral.
(audience laughing)
- Now, hold it a minute.
Now, I've met
all your relatives.
I've never even
seen an Uncle Willard.
- Invisible.
- Your Uncle
Willard's invisible?
- That's funny so is mine.
Huh, we buried him last week.
(audience laughing)
- You really expect me
to believe this nonsense?
- No, maybe you'd
rather talk about my uncle.
- I thought we were
talking about your uncle.
- What uncle?
- You're Uncle Willard.
- Describe him to me.
(audience laughing)
- Better than that,
let's go to the party.
- Is my uncle gonna be there?
- Oh, we wouldn't have a
party without your Uncle Willard.
Wanna meet Uncle Willard?
- My aunt's had
a lot of parties...
(audience applauding)
- Oh yeah.
(lively music)
- The Russians are talking
about a gradual withdrawal
from Czechoslovakia.
That's like a dentist
gradually withdrawing a tooth.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- The Pill just doesn't work.
I've been taking it for years
and I still don't
get any action.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I don't mind jazz
influencing church music,
but I still prefer
amen to one mo' time.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, actually, the
Klan pioneered open housing.
See, every time a negro moved
in, they blew his house open.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Don't worry about the
politics of the young people.
They're just trying to get
back to the grass roots.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Hey Fred, you know my
nephew Dick he got a toy M-16 rifle
for his birthday and
it's so realistic it jams.
- I just got back
from Viet Nam, man.
It's a groovy place to liberate
but I wouldn't wanna live there.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know my crowd
has a new campaign.
We're petitioning Congress
to lower the age of puberty.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- What are you
doing after the show?
- Same old thing.
- Oh, my place or yours?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Kids today
really have it soft.
When I went to school it
was 10 miles each way.
And, my chauffeur
never complained.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I used to go out
with a lotta wolves.
But, now I'm down to
about a pack a night.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- What do you Yankees
know about negros?
If you really wanna
know about 'em,
why don't you ask the
man who owns one?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I hear Liberace
went to South America
and drew 22,000
people in one night.
Isn't that wild?
- 22,000 people!
With that ermine cape
and those candelabras
they probably thought
he was the Pope.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Join us now for a
sentimental journey
as we tiptoe down Abbey Lane.
- Whatever turns you on, Gary.
(audience laughing)
(light flute music)
- (mumbles) all I
wanna do is show love.
(humming)
Where'd you get
that beautiful smile?
(audience laughing)
Where'd you get that
fabulous wardrobe?
(audience laughing)
Where'd you get that
unbreakable handbag?
(audience laughing)
I think I'll go over
to the swings.
(piano music)
I took one look at you
That's all I had to do
And, then my heart
stood still (groaning)
(audience laughing)
Billy, Billy.
- Now, that's funny (laughing).
Oh... (audience laughing)
- If England be the motherland
and Germany the fatherland,
what then of Lapland?
(audience laughing)
- I've had it with
those Lapland jokes.
Now, no more, trust me.
- Well, I thought they
changed it to Istanbul.
- I think Goldie may
not be too smart,
but she sure is dumb.
(audience laughing)
- You know, before
I did this show,
I thought Goldie was
just putting everyone on,
but she is really,
sincerely dumb.
(audience laughing)
- That was unnecessenary.
True, but unnecessenary.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- Alo, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
No, I'm sorry Mr. Youngman,
we don't buy old jokes.
We steal them.
(audience laughing)
- Now, that's what this
show needs, more whimsy.
(audience laughing)
- Marshall McLuhan,
what are you doing?
- Oh Henry, you and Marshall
McLuhan are really weird.
Listen, is he as
short as you are?
That big.
You come up right there.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Friends, take this test.
Put on a full glass
of rich, hearty...
Oh, vuso vino.
Taste it's mellow flavor.
Then carefully push
a pin through your ear.
If there's any
trace of sensation,
simply return the unused
portion of your gallon
and we'll promptly refund
your entire 45 cents.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about the midget
who joined the Klu Klux Klan
and had to wear a pillow case?
(audience laughing)
(player piano music)
- How can I believe
you, Elizabeth?
The child doesn't
even look like me.
- You're looking at
the wrong end, stupid.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's a no no.
Hmm, that's nice.
Oh, that is a no no.
- What's Dave doing?
- Well, you know what happens
every time he has
a naughty thought.
- Sure, he throws confetti.
But, what's he reading?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I think maybe it's
either next week's script
or a Dick Martin snapshot album.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Bumps.
(comical organ music)
(bomb whistling)
(bomb exploding)
(bomb exploding)
(audience laughing)
- I've often been criticized
for never finishing a tune.
Tonight I'm gonna finish a few.
(piano music)
Clair du lune.
(audience laughing)
(piano music)
That was Liszt, the second
(drowned out by laughing).
No, that was Tchaikovsky.
As if you didn't know.
(audience laughing)
One more.
(piano music)
Why don't you stand up?
This is the National Anthem.
(audience laughing)
- At that very moment.
- Whoo, pardone moi,
Mr. Victor Borges (giggling).
(mumbles) I have
got an ending for you.
- Really?
- Yes, yes, yes.
(operatic singing)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Guess which hand has the M&Ms.
- That's what this show
needs, more social comment.
(audience laughing)
- And now, here is the news.
How's that for
an off the cuff lip?
(audience laughing)
- Terrific.
(Can Can music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
La da te da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the
news Da da da da da
La da da da da (screaming)
(audience applauding)
(groaning)
- Up, up and out.
Now for the news of
present, (screaming)
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
(audience applauding)
(big band music)
- They keep getting
better every week.
(audience laughing)
And, now to the news.
Big Sur, California, the
hippie nudist colony today
held an open air
wedding ceremony.
The bride and groom,
leaders of the nudist movement,
were quoted as saying,
"It was love at first sight."
(audience laughing)
Meanwhile in Bessarabia,
the Shah of Kuwait today filed
for the Middle East's
first multiple divorce.
When questioned as to his
reasons, the Shah would only say,
"My wives just don't
understand me."
Well, the break up
came as no surprise
as he was recently
seen holding hands
with the Lennon Sisters,
Diana Ross and the Supremes,
and the entire King Family.
(audience laughing)
He's busier than I am.
Today the Polish
Army landed in Jamaica
only two weeks after
leaving Czechoslovakia.
This marks the 23rd
country that they have overrun
while trying to find
their way back to Poland.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away Goldie.
(drum roll music)
- And, now for the news of
the future, 20 years from now
here's our man, umm, no.
Oh, Dan, man, of the future.
Oh that's...
- No, no, that's fine,
that's fine, Goldie.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, no, that way.
- Sorry.
(audience laughing)
- Just one of
those days, Goldie.
Washington, D.C.
1988, 20 years from now.
Congressman Wacker
noting that the United States
is not completely paved
over with highways,
today introduced a bill
that would bring government
closer to the people by
turning the White House
into a mobile home.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California.
Mother of the Smothers
Brothers has denied
that she loved Dickie best.
Matter of fact, she admitted
she never particularly
cared for either one of them.
(audience laughing)
She made the
statement last night
while she was watching Bonanza.
(audience laughing)
- And now, Laugh-In
trips merrily back to 1776
for a word with George
III, King of England.
- Your majesty, why is England,
the world's most
powerful nation,
unable to win a military victory
against a small backward
group of colonies?
- Oh, we are winning, Nancy.
But, it's a (drowned
out by laughter) of war.
Terrorists, known as
Minutemen, pose sneak attacks
from ambush and then
disappear into the forest's trees.
- What about your critics
that say you should withdraw?
- They forget about
my domino theory.
- Which is?
- If one colony falls,
the others will follow.
(audience laughing)
- When can we bring
some of our boys home?
- Oh, some day perhaps.
But, right now we must
maintain a show of force
to show our
willingness to negotiate.
(audience laughing)
- Negotiate?
- Yes, I will go anywhere,
at any time, to accept
a just and honorable,
unconditional surrender.
(audience laughing)
- I see.
Well, just one final
question, your majesty.
Just why do we continue
to fight this foreign war?
- Why?
It's a very simple
matter why, my dear.
We are escalating to make
the world safe for aristocracy.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the baseball news,
here's the old bullpen
himself, Alan Sues.
(band music)
- Hi, Big Al here with
the Big Al Sports Scene.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell.
Featurette, tomorrow
marks the opening
of the Sun City Olympics.
The events will
include the 40-yard sit,
the 100-yard nap, and
the cross country kvetch.
Sock it to 'em, senior citizens.
Ta da.
- Tonight Laugh-In News
has an unusual piece of film
discovered while going
through our coverage
of the recent
presidential election.
It was filmed by a
reporter, cleverly concealed
under a bed.
- [Dan] What ever
possessed me to run with you.
I should have known
someone named Muskie
would be dead weight.
Muskie, Muskie, what
kind of name is that?
- [Jack] Well,
Hubert isn't exactly
a household word, you know.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- [Jack] Yeah, name me
one person named Hubert
who ever got elected President.
- [Dan] Uh, I was
doing fine by myself.
I don't know what I need
with a vice president anyway.
They're useless.
- [Jack] Well, you
ought to know.
Okay, okay, come on, come
on, put me down, put me down.
- [Dan] Why not,
everybody else did.
(audience laughing)
Listen, I'm getting
out of politics.
- [Jack] Yeah, well
I got a flash for you.
You are out of politics.
- [Dan] Oh really?
- [Jack] Yeah.
- [Dan] Listen, buddy, I've...
- [Woman] The
reporters are here, sir.
(laughing)
(reporters chatting)
- [Dan And Jack] I can only
say it has been great honor
working with my
esteemed colleague.
And, we're both
looking forward to 1972.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(bowling pins clattering)
(evil laughing)
- My proud beauty, I'm
kicking you out of the house.
You know what this is?
The deed to your house.
- Oh yes.
You know what this is?
Excedrin Headache number nine.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- A lot of people are confused.
It's not that blondes
have more fun,
it's the guys with them
that have more fun.
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Prunes (giggling)
(gentle piano music)
- Victor Borges, you even
play piano with an accent.
(audience laughing)
I think you're on fire.
(audience laughing)
- To show that NBC is
integrated, here they are
integrating another commercial.
- Alo, I thought you said
there'd be more
commercials, Chelsea.
- There are.
- Lull, this runs the risk
of really being boring.
(audience laughing)
- Much as we hate
to interrupt this medley
of mercantile madness with
a moment of entertainment,
please bear with us
while Madison Avenue
takes time to reload.
- I'm really getting
bored, Victor.
(smooching)
(lively music)
- Down home, we
don't watch Julia on TV
and if those
freckles ever fill in,
we won't watch Doris Day either.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Ah, my boyfriend kinda
reminds me of television.
You see, he's got
a great vertical hold.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- The trouble with commercials
is my wife buys
everything she sees.
Last night she saw an
announcer do a commercial
for new cars.
She went right out and
bought the announcer.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I saw a TV program
earlier this evening.
It had violence,
brutality, and sex.
I think it was called the
Huntley-Brinkley Show.
(audience laughing)
- I think violence and sex
on television is unnecessary
and uncomfortable.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I'm in favor of
religion on TV.
But, why change the
name of Sermonette
to Missionary Impossible?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Speaking about
television violence,
I'll never forget the
night I watched Ed Ames
on the Johnny Carson show.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Oh, I just love
seeing the um (giggles)
Steve Lawrence Show last night.
- Oh, the Steve Lawrence
Show hasn't been on
for three years.
- Well, that's what
I like best about it.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, my favorite
entertainment is lady wrestling.
- Oh, on television?
- Well, sometimes on the TV,
sometimes we
just roll up the rug.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- My favorite TV
program is Family Affair.
I don't watch it, I
just like to say it.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Oh children are funny.
My TV set broke down last
week and the kids started watching
the clothes dryer.
What bothered me
is, they liked it better.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- If the good Lord intended
us to watch television,
he would have given
us square eyeballs.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(audience applauding)
- Due to technical difficulties,
Laugh-In will now continue.
(audience laughing)
- Gary Owens is a kind of a
nostalgic link with the past.
Like some of the
jokes on the show.
- Well, I'm glad to
see you're still her.
- That's here, you're
glad to see me still here.
- It's a natural mistake.
- Well, it's one I'd rather not
have anyone make, thank you.
- All right, so I
made a mistake,
it's nothing to break
up the act about.
- Oh, I wouldn't leave
you for a million dollars.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- How about a blond lady?
- You just met my price.
(audience laughing)
- It's not as if I couldn't
manage without you.
- How's that?
- I say, not that I couldn't
really manage without you,
if I had to, you know.
- Oh, you could?
- Not all that essential.
- Okay, good luck.
- Okay, hey Dick, let's
introduce Potpourri.
- I thought that was Pot Pourri.
- You pronounce it
potpourri, it's French.
- I didn't know that.
- You see, in French,
you call a pot a po.
- Ha, ha, I'll drink to that.
- You'll drink to what?
- So, will I.
- Speaking of Dick's
little black book...
- Hold it.
- Ah ha, I thought that
might bring you back in.
- Took me years to accumulate
all the names in there.
- Yeah, where you been anyway?
- Well, I just stepped
out for a short one.
- Had a drink, huh?
- No, this short one
didn't drink at all.
Just a little thing.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, you're a regular
Henny Youngman tonight.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they are talking about.
- I'm only trying to help
them over the fence.
(zipping and popping)
- If he ain't in there,
he ain't in town.
(fizzing and popping)
("La Marseillaise")
(fizzing and popping)
- The hunt's been called off.
(zipping and popping)
- Oh no, you had yours pulled.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
(audience laughing)
- Isn't it marvelous being
here in downtown Russia
with its strange
customs and weird ways.
- Oh, yes indeedie,
it's really exciting.
Smile.
- Boris.
- Koslav.
- No wonder they keep
them behind the iron curtain.
(audience laughing)
They're Kiss-acks.
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- How do you do?
I would like a round
trip ticket, please.
- Yes sir, to where?
- To here.
(audience laughing)
- Ah!
- Save your breath little Nell.
You already told me
your husband was a drunk.
(evil laughing)
(clanging)
- I forgot to tell you, he
also is a vicious drunk.
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(screeching)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Fox.
- Rock it me, rock it to me.
- No, no, no.
It's sock it to me.
- Suit yourself.
(birds singing)
- Oh well, it was rock it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Timber.
(clattering)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- Blow in my ear and you got me.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Comarowski,
give him a stiff arm.
Atta baby, hit him
in the bread basket.
Kick him, kick him.
(mumbles) you stupid, stupid.
All right, all right,
give him a stiff arm.
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Why don't you go
watch the tennis match?
- Indubitably, doubtlessly,
definitely, dreadfully,
dim-wittedly dumb.
- Well, Dick, tonight
we salute the people
who do such an inspiring
job of handling our mails.
- Our females.
- No, you dingaling,
the U.S. Post Office.
- Well, it just so
happens my Uncle Wilbur
was one of the great
mailmen of all time.
- Your Uncle
Wilbur was a carrier?
- No, he was a mailman.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, this Uncle
Wilbur, isn't he the one
who used to drink a lot?
- Sure, but he never let
it interfere with his job.
- Boy, am I glad I
wasn't on his route.
- Boy, when he had a
bag on, he had a bag on.
(audience laughing)
- He doesn't sound like
the average mailman.
- Better than that, he holds
the world's airmail record.
- I can hardly wait to hear it.
- Three and a half
months for an airmail letter
to get to Butte, Montana.
- Three and a half
months for an airmail letter?
- Well, it was
such a nice day...
- [Both] He decided to walk.
(audience laughing)
- You know a man like
that deserved to be fired.
- Fired, are you kidding?
Why he's the new Postmaster
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
(audience laughing)
- So, with that inspirational
message, friends,
let's look further at our
salute to the U.S. Post Office.
(lively music)
- Oh, hello Mr. Postmaster,
may I have a stamp, please?
- Indeed.
(audience laughing)
("Crack Goes the Weasel")
- Excuse me, lady.
What are you doing?
- Why, just mailing
these letters.
- Well, can't you read?
Let me look at these.
Ah, just as I thought.
You were gonna put
them in the wrong slots.
Now look at this one is out
of town, this is out of town,
that's out of town.
Aha, air mail, air
mail, well, that's local.
(audience laughing)
Air mail, another air mail.
Three more air mails.
Aha, special delivery.
That goes right there.
(lively music)
- Woo hoo, Mr. Postmaster.
This must go special delivery.
- All right.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Oh, good morning, Mr. Bash.
- Well, good morning, Miss
Neufeld, here's your mail.
- Oh thank you.
- Telephone bill, second
notice, you better pay it.
And, you better cut down
those extra calls you're making.
(audience laughing)
Well, well, here's the reply
to your husband's
job application.
Didn't get it, not enough
experience they say.
Post card from your oldest
daughter in Puerto Rico.
Was she down there on
vacation or was it something else?
(audience laughing)
Well, I guess that's about it.
- Uh, Mr. Bash, it's Tuesday.
Where's my magazine?
- Oh, your magazine.
Well, I'll bring that tomorrow.
You see I haven't finished
reading the story on
the invasion of privacy.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Whoo hoo, Mr. Postmaster.
Would you please
send this air mail?
- Say it again.
- I say, would you
please send this air mail?
- Indeed.
(audience laughing)
- Danka.
- Bitte.
(audience laughing)
- Merry Christmas from
Ted, Jack, and Ernie.
Who's Ted, Jack, and Ernie?
- (Giggling) They're
our postmen, dear.
- Isn't that thoughtful?
I don't even know them
and they sent a card.
- Well, yeah, well I think
there's something more
to it than that.
You know it's Christmas
and I think they're
hinting around
for a gift or a
tip or something.
- Oh no, that's terrible
to say that, Goldie.
It's just the Christmas spirit.
- Oh yeah?
Here, well take
a look at the card
that came in the mail today.
- Merry Christmas from
Ted, Jack, and Ernie.
This is your second notice.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Uh (laughing)
Mr. Postman.
(laughing) You
devil, you (laughing).
Now, my dear, this must
be sent and it's very fragile.
- Yes, indeed.
(glass shattering)
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
(lively music)
- Whoa ho, Mr. Postman.
(laughing) Surprise.
Would you please
mark this fragile for me?
- This one?
- Yes, please.
Very delicate, fragile.
(audience laughing)
- I think this whole thing's
insulting to the Post Office.
- You bet your sweet
box number it is.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Retter, is the mail
here yet, Retter?
- [Judy] No sir.
- Why is the mail always late?
I can't conduct these
maneuvers all by myself.
I have to wait for orders
and the mail's late.
Why is the mail always late?
- Hold it, sir, the
mail just came in.
Here are the orders.
You can't say the
mail is late now.
- Read 'em.
- Attention all personnel,
deploy according to plan B.
Meet at map coordinates X
and Y and move out at 10pm.
Keep the spirit of
the enlisted men high
and we will yet beat King
George and save the colonists.
(audience laughing)
- Why is the mail always late?
- Oo hoo, Mr. Postman.
This has gotta go air mail.
(audience laughing)
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- In keeping with the
government's policy of efficiency,
the postal department
has developed its new,
simplified method of
speeding up the mail, zip codes.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, Wacker, take any
letter there at random
and read me the zip code number.
Hurry up, Wacker.
- 9-3-0 and 7.
- Uh huh.
All right, now when zero
is the middle number,
that means we go to the
second number from the end.
- One.
- All right, now that one
refers to list three right there
on wall A.
Wall A, you got
wall A and list three?
That's a good boy, Wacker.
Now, find the last
number of the zip code.
- Seven.
- Good boy,
Wacker, that refers us
to the map of the Midwest.
That's over there on that wall.
Now, that's Ohio.
Go to the index
book, Ohio, Wacker.
(audience laughing)
Put your little finger
on it, that a boy.
Now we go to the
index book under Ohio,
give me the second
number of the zip code.
- Three.
- Three.
We find three under table
B that refers to Cincinnati.
There you have it.
Cincinnati, Ohio.
- But, it says that right
there on the envelope.
- Let me see that, Wacker.
(audience laughing)
Wacker, you may be
on to something here.
(audience laughing)
The post of our post office
People of America
They try their very best but
it comes out their very worst
You mail Christmas gifts
out in August or September
And they don't
arrive till January first
Next year
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la
In downtown Burbank
no one reads our rights
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, dum
They get so fouled up
they must stay up nights
- Talk about efficiency,
the post office combined
their 9am and 2pm deliveries.
Now the 9:00
delivery comes at two
and the 2:00 delivery
doesn't come at all.
- I say the mailman
would never be late
if only he didn't have
to make all those stops.
- Personally, I
dig that junk mail.
(audience laughing)
- How come they're so anxious
for us to sell air mail stamps
in towns that don't
even have an airport?
- Oh, just be thankful
you don't live in Canada.
Their post office went on strike
and our young American boys
didn't get their draft notices.
(audience laughing)
On the post office
people of America
Try to handle letters
that arrive a little late
The post of the post office
(mumbling) of America
In spite of lousy service
There's a lot that
makes us nervous
But, in spite of lousy service
They are absolutely great Olay
(audience applauding)
- Well, that's our salute
to the post office, folks.
- Just a darn minute.
We were supposed to
have three more sketches.
- Well, I know, but
they got lost in the mail.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that does it.
I'm going to take direct action.
- Strong words indeed, sir.
- Well, yes sir, from now
on, I'm gonna take my mail
from somebody else.
- That's a good idea, Ollie.
- It certainly is.
(audience laughing)
(comical organ music)
(vaudevillian music)
(giggling)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
(audience laughing)
(piano music)
Holding hands at midnight
Sighing sigh after sigh
It's nice work if you can get it
And you can get it if you try
- And, in New Jersey,
the number to call is
3-1-1-5-5-5-7.
(audience laughing)
- Oh listen.
- Hmm.
- Got an act for you, you're
gonna just not gonna believe.
- I'm dubious already.
- Oh listen, this guy
plays the trumpet,
the bugle, actually
he plays a bugle.
Plays a guitar, and
sings all at the same time.
Now what do you think of that?
- Well, it's a tremendous
saving in time.
- Oh, better than that.
Now, this is a unique act.
He's the only one of his
kind and we're very lucky.
- I guess we are lucky.
There could have been two.
(audience laughing)
- That's no way to welcome
the discovery of the week
and that's what it is.
Come here, I want
you to meet him.
- Oh yeah?
- Dick this is the
Legendary Stardust Cowboy.
Legendary Stardust
Cowboy, this is Dick.
- Hi there Legendary person.
- You stay right here
so you can hear it all.
(shouting)
(drumming)
Welcome to the show (shouting)
(drumming)
(bugle music)
(audience applauding)
- Yes sir, yes sir.
You...
- That's quite a number.
- Never heard anything
like that, did ya?
- I'm not too sure
I heard that one.
- What's the Legendary
Stardust Cowboy,
what's the title of that song?
- Well, the title of
that song is Paralyzed.
- Perfer-Alyzed?
- Yeah, Paralyzing.
- Oh, Paralyzing.
Who wrote it?
- I did.
I sure did.
- [Dick] Just now?
- [Dan] Oh, you wrote it.
- No, I wrote it a
year and a half ago.
- You married or you engaged?
- No, no, don't intend to.
- Well, it wasn't
an offer, I just...
(audience laughing)
- You could work something
out with the drummer.
- Have you got us
another number?
- All right I will do another.
- Dick, why don't you
just hum along with him.
- I'll do another one.
- Here's your horn.
- No.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
- Just put it back under
the sink where he got it.
(audience laughing)
Ooo, ooo
And, we prefer it
from a coffee cup
(shouting)
And, that's what we
call ballin' the jack
(audience laughing)
(drumming music)
(shouting)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(vaudevillian music)
- Kumquat.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Fred, uh Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Who's Dick?
- Now I forgot the question.
(audience laughing)
- We'd like to alert you
to be at your old self...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I'm
kinda quick to learn.
After about 20 weeks I
know there's nothing I can do
to prevent it.
Go ahead.
- Well, thank you.
She was, you know
she played slide oboe
for Ina Ray Hutton's orchestra.
(audience laughing)
And, she was riding
the bus one day
and she was sitting in
front of the trombone player,
you know, mmm, mmm, mmm.
(audience laughing)
When she came
off the bus, by golly,
she had something to say.
(audience laughing)
- Well, all of us music
lovers are one edge.
What did she say?
- Well, when she came
off the bus she said,
"And, I'm a better
person for it."
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Say good night, Dan.
- Blow in my ear, I'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Victor, come out.
- Yes, Herbert.
- You always devil.
If George Washington
were alive today,
what would he be famous for?
- Old age.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to divorce my wife,
but I don't have enough money.
- Borrow it from the bank.
Tell 'em it's a home
improvement loan.
(audience laughing)
- Help, there's a cat
burglar in my room.
- What?
- A cat burglar is in my room.
- Relax, Ruthie,
you don't have a cat.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I don't wanna
wind up an old maid.
- Okay, bring her in
and I'll wind her up.
(audience laughing)
- Just blow in her ear,
she'll follow you anywhere.
- Hey, Harvey, last week
I hunted lions with a club.
- Wasn't that dangerous, Danny?
- Oh, no, no, not at all, Ruth.
There's a hundred
of us in the club.
(audience laughing)
- Roses are red
and violets are blue,
sugar is sweet when it's brown.
(audience laughing)
- What kind of sports
do you like best Jo Anne?
- What?
- What kind of sports
do you like best?
- I like the kind of a sport
who's free with his money.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Who's there?
- Knock, knock.
- You're doing it
backwards, Goldie.
- No.
- What's yellow
and wears a mask?
- I don't know.
- The lone lemon.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Yes?
- You know, I
have a very high IQ.
- Oh, and, I IQ
you too, you, too.
- Yes (mumbles).
(audience laughing)
- As Isaac Newton said as
the apple fell on his head,
"This is strange.
"I'm sitting under a pear tree."
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(clattering)
- Daddy!
(audience laughing)
- This program was pre-recorded
because there wasn't
any way to post-record it.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but Tales of Hoffman it wasn't.
(shouting)
(clock cuckooing)
(applauding)
(beeping)
- [Announcer] The following
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- [Dan] Ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borges.
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- Beauty hint number 43.
Before retiring, rub
a little cocoa butter
into your hands.
Now, it won't do your
hands much good,
but it's a great way to
get rid of cocoa butter.
(audience laughing)
- Singing hint number 12.
Breathing varies
from singer to singer.
Some just naturally have
bigger breaths than others.
(audience laughing)
- Beauty hint number 94.
If you are a woman who
runs a busy household,
it is important to your
good looks that once a week
you retire early.
Then in the morning
you can wake up Happy,
then Bashful, then Doc,
then Grumpy, then Dopey.
(audience laughing)
- Singing hint number 21.
You should never hold your
consonants while singing
especially before
a mixed audience.
(audience laughing)
- Here comes
the big finish, folk.
(giggles)
(audience laughing)
- Drinking tip number eight.
First get it from the
glass into your mouth.
(audience laughing)
(ominous player piano music)
- Say yes and I'll tear
up your father's mortgage.
- Yes.
- Ha ha (laughing).
- April Fool.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- And, now from the
allergy ward high atop
the Burbank Home
for the Hopelessly Tall,
NBC presents Rowan
and Martin's Laugh-In
with trepidation.
Also staring Dan Rowan
(audience applauding)
and Dick Martin.
With guest star Victor Borges,
the Banana Splits,
and the legendary
Stardust Cowboy.
And, Judy Carnes, Arte Johnson,
with Ruth Buzzi, Henry
Gibson, Goldie Hawn,
Dave Madden,
Alan Sues, Sweet
Brother Dick Whittington,
and Jo Anne Worley,
Chelsea Brown,
Jack Riley,
yours truly Gary Owens
and Morgul the Friendly Drelb.
We'll be right back after
this commercial message.
- There you go
Gary, sure you will.
(audience laughing)
- And now, for your listening
and dancing pleasure,
the dulcet tones of Dan Rowan
and the tonal
dulcets of Dick Martin.
- They're the big kids.
(audience applauding)
- Hi, could we have more cops?
Could you hold
it down a little bit?
Thank you, thank you very much.
- It was almost a
standing ovation.
- I hardly recognized you.
I haven't seen you
around all week.
- Well, I had to go to my
Uncle Willard's funeral.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
know your uncle died.
- Well, he didn't but
it was the only day
I could get off.
(audience laughing)
- That's what I like
about you, Richard,
you're just all heart.
- Yeah, gee it was a
beautiful ceremony, too.
Uncle would have
been proud of it.
- Everybody showed up?
- Well, they all had
the same day off
so it was a good thing.
(audience laughing)
- Could Uncle Willard
be there, was he there?
- No, he had to work.
- Had to work.
What's he do?
- Not much since the funeral.
(audience laughing)
- Now, hold it a minute.
Now, I've met
all your relatives.
I've never even
seen an Uncle Willard.
- Invisible.
- Your Uncle
Willard's invisible?
- That's funny so is mine.
Huh, we buried him last week.
(audience laughing)
- You really expect me
to believe this nonsense?
- No, maybe you'd
rather talk about my uncle.
- I thought we were
talking about your uncle.
- What uncle?
- You're Uncle Willard.
- Describe him to me.
(audience laughing)
- Better than that,
let's go to the party.
- Is my uncle gonna be there?
- Oh, we wouldn't have a
party without your Uncle Willard.
Wanna meet Uncle Willard?
- My aunt's had
a lot of parties...
(audience applauding)
- Oh yeah.
(lively music)
- The Russians are talking
about a gradual withdrawal
from Czechoslovakia.
That's like a dentist
gradually withdrawing a tooth.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- The Pill just doesn't work.
I've been taking it for years
and I still don't
get any action.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I don't mind jazz
influencing church music,
but I still prefer
amen to one mo' time.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, actually, the
Klan pioneered open housing.
See, every time a negro moved
in, they blew his house open.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Don't worry about the
politics of the young people.
They're just trying to get
back to the grass roots.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Hey Fred, you know my
nephew Dick he got a toy M-16 rifle
for his birthday and
it's so realistic it jams.
- I just got back
from Viet Nam, man.
It's a groovy place to liberate
but I wouldn't wanna live there.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know my crowd
has a new campaign.
We're petitioning Congress
to lower the age of puberty.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- What are you
doing after the show?
- Same old thing.
- Oh, my place or yours?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Kids today
really have it soft.
When I went to school it
was 10 miles each way.
And, my chauffeur
never complained.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I used to go out
with a lotta wolves.
But, now I'm down to
about a pack a night.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- What do you Yankees
know about negros?
If you really wanna
know about 'em,
why don't you ask the
man who owns one?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I hear Liberace
went to South America
and drew 22,000
people in one night.
Isn't that wild?
- 22,000 people!
With that ermine cape
and those candelabras
they probably thought
he was the Pope.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Join us now for a
sentimental journey
as we tiptoe down Abbey Lane.
- Whatever turns you on, Gary.
(audience laughing)
(light flute music)
- (mumbles) all I
wanna do is show love.
(humming)
Where'd you get
that beautiful smile?
(audience laughing)
Where'd you get that
fabulous wardrobe?
(audience laughing)
Where'd you get that
unbreakable handbag?
(audience laughing)
I think I'll go over
to the swings.
(piano music)
I took one look at you
That's all I had to do
And, then my heart
stood still (groaning)
(audience laughing)
Billy, Billy.
- Now, that's funny (laughing).
Oh... (audience laughing)
- If England be the motherland
and Germany the fatherland,
what then of Lapland?
(audience laughing)
- I've had it with
those Lapland jokes.
Now, no more, trust me.
- Well, I thought they
changed it to Istanbul.
- I think Goldie may
not be too smart,
but she sure is dumb.
(audience laughing)
- You know, before
I did this show,
I thought Goldie was
just putting everyone on,
but she is really,
sincerely dumb.
(audience laughing)
- That was unnecessenary.
True, but unnecessenary.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- Alo, NBC, beautiful
downtown Burbank.
No, I'm sorry Mr. Youngman,
we don't buy old jokes.
We steal them.
(audience laughing)
- Now, that's what this
show needs, more whimsy.
(audience laughing)
- Marshall McLuhan,
what are you doing?
- Oh Henry, you and Marshall
McLuhan are really weird.
Listen, is he as
short as you are?
That big.
You come up right there.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Friends, take this test.
Put on a full glass
of rich, hearty...
Oh, vuso vino.
Taste it's mellow flavor.
Then carefully push
a pin through your ear.
If there's any
trace of sensation,
simply return the unused
portion of your gallon
and we'll promptly refund
your entire 45 cents.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- Did you hear about the midget
who joined the Klu Klux Klan
and had to wear a pillow case?
(audience laughing)
(player piano music)
- How can I believe
you, Elizabeth?
The child doesn't
even look like me.
- You're looking at
the wrong end, stupid.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that's a no no.
Hmm, that's nice.
Oh, that is a no no.
- What's Dave doing?
- Well, you know what happens
every time he has
a naughty thought.
- Sure, he throws confetti.
But, what's he reading?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I think maybe it's
either next week's script
or a Dick Martin snapshot album.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
- Bumps.
(comical organ music)
(bomb whistling)
(bomb exploding)
(bomb exploding)
(audience laughing)
- I've often been criticized
for never finishing a tune.
Tonight I'm gonna finish a few.
(piano music)
Clair du lune.
(audience laughing)
(piano music)
That was Liszt, the second
(drowned out by laughing).
No, that was Tchaikovsky.
As if you didn't know.
(audience laughing)
One more.
(piano music)
Why don't you stand up?
This is the National Anthem.
(audience laughing)
- At that very moment.
- Whoo, pardone moi,
Mr. Victor Borges (giggling).
(mumbles) I have
got an ending for you.
- Really?
- Yes, yes, yes.
(operatic singing)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Guess which hand has the M&Ms.
- That's what this show
needs, more social comment.
(audience laughing)
- And now, here is the news.
How's that for
an off the cuff lip?
(audience laughing)
- Terrific.
(Can Can music)
What's the news
across the nation
We have got the information
In a way we hope will amuse You
We just love to
give you our views
La da te da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the
news Da da da da da
La da da da da (screaming)
(audience applauding)
(groaning)
- Up, up and out.
Now for the news of
present, (screaming)
here's the man to whom the
news wouldn't be the news
without the news, here's Dickie.
(audience applauding)
(big band music)
- They keep getting
better every week.
(audience laughing)
And, now to the news.
Big Sur, California, the
hippie nudist colony today
held an open air
wedding ceremony.
The bride and groom,
leaders of the nudist movement,
were quoted as saying,
"It was love at first sight."
(audience laughing)
Meanwhile in Bessarabia,
the Shah of Kuwait today filed
for the Middle East's
first multiple divorce.
When questioned as to his
reasons, the Shah would only say,
"My wives just don't
understand me."
Well, the break up
came as no surprise
as he was recently
seen holding hands
with the Lennon Sisters,
Diana Ross and the Supremes,
and the entire King Family.
(audience laughing)
He's busier than I am.
Today the Polish
Army landed in Jamaica
only two weeks after
leaving Czechoslovakia.
This marks the 23rd
country that they have overrun
while trying to find
their way back to Poland.
(audience laughing)
And now, take it away Goldie.
(drum roll music)
- And, now for the news of
the future, 20 years from now
here's our man, umm, no.
Oh, Dan, man, of the future.
Oh that's...
- No, no, that's fine,
that's fine, Goldie.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, no, that way.
- Sorry.
(audience laughing)
- Just one of
those days, Goldie.
Washington, D.C.
1988, 20 years from now.
Congressman Wacker
noting that the United States
is not completely paved
over with highways,
today introduced a bill
that would bring government
closer to the people by
turning the White House
into a mobile home.
(audience laughing)
Hollywood, California.
Mother of the Smothers
Brothers has denied
that she loved Dickie best.
Matter of fact, she admitted
she never particularly
cared for either one of them.
(audience laughing)
She made the
statement last night
while she was watching Bonanza.
(audience laughing)
- And now, Laugh-In
trips merrily back to 1776
for a word with George
III, King of England.
- Your majesty, why is England,
the world's most
powerful nation,
unable to win a military victory
against a small backward
group of colonies?
- Oh, we are winning, Nancy.
But, it's a (drowned
out by laughter) of war.
Terrorists, known as
Minutemen, pose sneak attacks
from ambush and then
disappear into the forest's trees.
- What about your critics
that say you should withdraw?
- They forget about
my domino theory.
- Which is?
- If one colony falls,
the others will follow.
(audience laughing)
- When can we bring
some of our boys home?
- Oh, some day perhaps.
But, right now we must
maintain a show of force
to show our
willingness to negotiate.
(audience laughing)
- Negotiate?
- Yes, I will go anywhere,
at any time, to accept
a just and honorable,
unconditional surrender.
(audience laughing)
- I see.
Well, just one final
question, your majesty.
Just why do we continue
to fight this foreign war?
- Why?
It's a very simple
matter why, my dear.
We are escalating to make
the world safe for aristocracy.
(audience laughing)
- Now with the baseball news,
here's the old bullpen
himself, Alan Sues.
(band music)
- Hi, Big Al here with
the Big Al Sports Scene.
(bell ringing)
Oh, I love that bell.
Featurette, tomorrow
marks the opening
of the Sun City Olympics.
The events will
include the 40-yard sit,
the 100-yard nap, and
the cross country kvetch.
Sock it to 'em, senior citizens.
Ta da.
- Tonight Laugh-In News
has an unusual piece of film
discovered while going
through our coverage
of the recent
presidential election.
It was filmed by a
reporter, cleverly concealed
under a bed.
- [Dan] What ever
possessed me to run with you.
I should have known
someone named Muskie
would be dead weight.
Muskie, Muskie, what
kind of name is that?
- [Jack] Well,
Hubert isn't exactly
a household word, you know.
- [Dan] Yeah.
- [Jack] Yeah, name me
one person named Hubert
who ever got elected President.
- [Dan] Uh, I was
doing fine by myself.
I don't know what I need
with a vice president anyway.
They're useless.
- [Jack] Well, you
ought to know.
Okay, okay, come on, come
on, put me down, put me down.
- [Dan] Why not,
everybody else did.
(audience laughing)
Listen, I'm getting
out of politics.
- [Jack] Yeah, well
I got a flash for you.
You are out of politics.
- [Dan] Oh really?
- [Jack] Yeah.
- [Dan] Listen, buddy, I've...
- [Woman] The
reporters are here, sir.
(laughing)
(reporters chatting)
- [Dan And Jack] I can only
say it has been great honor
working with my
esteemed colleague.
And, we're both
looking forward to 1972.
(audience laughing)
(giggling)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(bowling pins clattering)
(evil laughing)
- My proud beauty, I'm
kicking you out of the house.
You know what this is?
The deed to your house.
- Oh yes.
You know what this is?
Excedrin Headache number nine.
(clanging)
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
- A lot of people are confused.
It's not that blondes
have more fun,
it's the guys with them
that have more fun.
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Prunes (giggling)
(gentle piano music)
- Victor Borges, you even
play piano with an accent.
(audience laughing)
I think you're on fire.
(audience laughing)
- To show that NBC is
integrated, here they are
integrating another commercial.
- Alo, I thought you said
there'd be more
commercials, Chelsea.
- There are.
- Lull, this runs the risk
of really being boring.
(audience laughing)
- Much as we hate
to interrupt this medley
of mercantile madness with
a moment of entertainment,
please bear with us
while Madison Avenue
takes time to reload.
- I'm really getting
bored, Victor.
(smooching)
(lively music)
- Down home, we
don't watch Julia on TV
and if those
freckles ever fill in,
we won't watch Doris Day either.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Ah, my boyfriend kinda
reminds me of television.
You see, he's got
a great vertical hold.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- The trouble with commercials
is my wife buys
everything she sees.
Last night she saw an
announcer do a commercial
for new cars.
She went right out and
bought the announcer.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I saw a TV program
earlier this evening.
It had violence,
brutality, and sex.
I think it was called the
Huntley-Brinkley Show.
(audience laughing)
- I think violence and sex
on television is unnecessary
and uncomfortable.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- I'm in favor of
religion on TV.
But, why change the
name of Sermonette
to Missionary Impossible?
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Speaking about
television violence,
I'll never forget the
night I watched Ed Ames
on the Johnny Carson show.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Oh, I just love
seeing the um (giggles)
Steve Lawrence Show last night.
- Oh, the Steve Lawrence
Show hasn't been on
for three years.
- Well, that's what
I like best about it.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- You know, my favorite
entertainment is lady wrestling.
- Oh, on television?
- Well, sometimes on the TV,
sometimes we
just roll up the rug.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- My favorite TV
program is Family Affair.
I don't watch it, I
just like to say it.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Oh children are funny.
My TV set broke down last
week and the kids started watching
the clothes dryer.
What bothered me
is, they liked it better.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- If the good Lord intended
us to watch television,
he would have given
us square eyeballs.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
(audience applauding)
- Due to technical difficulties,
Laugh-In will now continue.
(audience laughing)
- Gary Owens is a kind of a
nostalgic link with the past.
Like some of the
jokes on the show.
- Well, I'm glad to
see you're still her.
- That's here, you're
glad to see me still here.
- It's a natural mistake.
- Well, it's one I'd rather not
have anyone make, thank you.
- All right, so I
made a mistake,
it's nothing to break
up the act about.
- Oh, I wouldn't leave
you for a million dollars.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- How about a blond lady?
- You just met my price.
(audience laughing)
- It's not as if I couldn't
manage without you.
- How's that?
- I say, not that I couldn't
really manage without you,
if I had to, you know.
- Oh, you could?
- Not all that essential.
- Okay, good luck.
- Okay, hey Dick, let's
introduce Potpourri.
- I thought that was Pot Pourri.
- You pronounce it
potpourri, it's French.
- I didn't know that.
- You see, in French,
you call a pot a po.
- Ha, ha, I'll drink to that.
- You'll drink to what?
- So, will I.
- Speaking of Dick's
little black book...
- Hold it.
- Ah ha, I thought that
might bring you back in.
- Took me years to accumulate
all the names in there.
- Yeah, where you been anyway?
- Well, I just stepped
out for a short one.
- Had a drink, huh?
- No, this short one
didn't drink at all.
Just a little thing.
(audience laughing)
- Boy, you're a regular
Henny Youngman tonight.
- I wonder which Henny
Youngman they are talking about.
- I'm only trying to help
them over the fence.
(zipping and popping)
- If he ain't in there,
he ain't in town.
(fizzing and popping)
("La Marseillaise")
(fizzing and popping)
- The hunt's been called off.
(zipping and popping)
- Oh no, you had yours pulled.
- Oh, that Henny Youngman.
(audience laughing)
- Isn't it marvelous being
here in downtown Russia
with its strange
customs and weird ways.
- Oh, yes indeedie,
it's really exciting.
Smile.
- Boris.
- Koslav.
- No wonder they keep
them behind the iron curtain.
(audience laughing)
They're Kiss-acks.
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
- How do you do?
I would like a round
trip ticket, please.
- Yes sir, to where?
- To here.
(audience laughing)
- Ah!
- Save your breath little Nell.
You already told me
your husband was a drunk.
(evil laughing)
(clanging)
- I forgot to tell you, he
also is a vicious drunk.
(audience laughing)
- I'm a much better
person for that.
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(screeching)
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
- Fox.
- Rock it me, rock it to me.
- No, no, no.
It's sock it to me.
- Suit yourself.
(birds singing)
- Oh well, it was rock it to me.
(audience laughing)
- Timber.
(clattering)
- Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me,
Sock it to me.
- Sock it to me?
- Blow in my ear and you got me.
(audience laughing)
- Come on Comarowski,
give him a stiff arm.
Atta baby, hit him
in the bread basket.
Kick him, kick him.
(mumbles) you stupid, stupid.
All right, all right,
give him a stiff arm.
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
- Why don't you go
watch the tennis match?
- Indubitably, doubtlessly,
definitely, dreadfully,
dim-wittedly dumb.
- Well, Dick, tonight
we salute the people
who do such an inspiring
job of handling our mails.
- Our females.
- No, you dingaling,
the U.S. Post Office.
- Well, it just so
happens my Uncle Wilbur
was one of the great
mailmen of all time.
- Your Uncle
Wilbur was a carrier?
- No, he was a mailman.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, this Uncle
Wilbur, isn't he the one
who used to drink a lot?
- Sure, but he never let
it interfere with his job.
- Boy, am I glad I
wasn't on his route.
- Boy, when he had a
bag on, he had a bag on.
(audience laughing)
- He doesn't sound like
the average mailman.
- Better than that, he holds
the world's airmail record.
- I can hardly wait to hear it.
- Three and a half
months for an airmail letter
to get to Butte, Montana.
- Three and a half
months for an airmail letter?
- Well, it was
such a nice day...
- [Both] He decided to walk.
(audience laughing)
- You know a man like
that deserved to be fired.
- Fired, are you kidding?
Why he's the new Postmaster
in beautiful downtown Burbank.
(audience laughing)
- So, with that inspirational
message, friends,
let's look further at our
salute to the U.S. Post Office.
(lively music)
- Oh, hello Mr. Postmaster,
may I have a stamp, please?
- Indeed.
(audience laughing)
("Crack Goes the Weasel")
- Excuse me, lady.
What are you doing?
- Why, just mailing
these letters.
- Well, can't you read?
Let me look at these.
Ah, just as I thought.
You were gonna put
them in the wrong slots.
Now look at this one is out
of town, this is out of town,
that's out of town.
Aha, air mail, air
mail, well, that's local.
(audience laughing)
Air mail, another air mail.
Three more air mails.
Aha, special delivery.
That goes right there.
(lively music)
- Woo hoo, Mr. Postmaster.
This must go special delivery.
- All right.
- Thank you.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Oh, good morning, Mr. Bash.
- Well, good morning, Miss
Neufeld, here's your mail.
- Oh thank you.
- Telephone bill, second
notice, you better pay it.
And, you better cut down
those extra calls you're making.
(audience laughing)
Well, well, here's the reply
to your husband's
job application.
Didn't get it, not enough
experience they say.
Post card from your oldest
daughter in Puerto Rico.
Was she down there on
vacation or was it something else?
(audience laughing)
Well, I guess that's about it.
- Uh, Mr. Bash, it's Tuesday.
Where's my magazine?
- Oh, your magazine.
Well, I'll bring that tomorrow.
You see I haven't finished
reading the story on
the invasion of privacy.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Whoo hoo, Mr. Postmaster.
Would you please
send this air mail?
- Say it again.
- I say, would you
please send this air mail?
- Indeed.
(audience laughing)
- Danka.
- Bitte.
(audience laughing)
- Merry Christmas from
Ted, Jack, and Ernie.
Who's Ted, Jack, and Ernie?
- (Giggling) They're
our postmen, dear.
- Isn't that thoughtful?
I don't even know them
and they sent a card.
- Well, yeah, well I think
there's something more
to it than that.
You know it's Christmas
and I think they're
hinting around
for a gift or a
tip or something.
- Oh no, that's terrible
to say that, Goldie.
It's just the Christmas spirit.
- Oh yeah?
Here, well take
a look at the card
that came in the mail today.
- Merry Christmas from
Ted, Jack, and Ernie.
This is your second notice.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Uh (laughing)
Mr. Postman.
(laughing) You
devil, you (laughing).
Now, my dear, this must
be sent and it's very fragile.
- Yes, indeed.
(glass shattering)
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
(lively music)
- Whoa ho, Mr. Postman.
(laughing) Surprise.
Would you please
mark this fragile for me?
- This one?
- Yes, please.
Very delicate, fragile.
(audience laughing)
- I think this whole thing's
insulting to the Post Office.
- You bet your sweet
box number it is.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- Retter, is the mail
here yet, Retter?
- [Judy] No sir.
- Why is the mail always late?
I can't conduct these
maneuvers all by myself.
I have to wait for orders
and the mail's late.
Why is the mail always late?
- Hold it, sir, the
mail just came in.
Here are the orders.
You can't say the
mail is late now.
- Read 'em.
- Attention all personnel,
deploy according to plan B.
Meet at map coordinates X
and Y and move out at 10pm.
Keep the spirit of
the enlisted men high
and we will yet beat King
George and save the colonists.
(audience laughing)
- Why is the mail always late?
- Oo hoo, Mr. Postman.
This has gotta go air mail.
(audience laughing)
- He pushed me, he pushed me.
(audience laughing)
(lively music)
- In keeping with the
government's policy of efficiency,
the postal department
has developed its new,
simplified method of
speeding up the mail, zip codes.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, Wacker, take any
letter there at random
and read me the zip code number.
Hurry up, Wacker.
- 9-3-0 and 7.
- Uh huh.
All right, now when zero
is the middle number,
that means we go to the
second number from the end.
- One.
- All right, now that one
refers to list three right there
on wall A.
Wall A, you got
wall A and list three?
That's a good boy, Wacker.
Now, find the last
number of the zip code.
- Seven.
- Good boy,
Wacker, that refers us
to the map of the Midwest.
That's over there on that wall.
Now, that's Ohio.
Go to the index
book, Ohio, Wacker.
(audience laughing)
Put your little finger
on it, that a boy.
Now we go to the
index book under Ohio,
give me the second
number of the zip code.
- Three.
- Three.
We find three under table
B that refers to Cincinnati.
There you have it.
Cincinnati, Ohio.
- But, it says that right
there on the envelope.
- Let me see that, Wacker.
(audience laughing)
Wacker, you may be
on to something here.
(audience laughing)
The post of our post office
People of America
They try their very best but
it comes out their very worst
You mail Christmas gifts
out in August or September
And they don't
arrive till January first
Next year
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la
In downtown Burbank
no one reads our rights
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, dum
They get so fouled up
they must stay up nights
- Talk about efficiency,
the post office combined
their 9am and 2pm deliveries.
Now the 9:00
delivery comes at two
and the 2:00 delivery
doesn't come at all.
- I say the mailman
would never be late
if only he didn't have
to make all those stops.
- Personally, I
dig that junk mail.
(audience laughing)
- How come they're so anxious
for us to sell air mail stamps
in towns that don't
even have an airport?
- Oh, just be thankful
you don't live in Canada.
Their post office went on strike
and our young American boys
didn't get their draft notices.
(audience laughing)
On the post office
people of America
Try to handle letters
that arrive a little late
The post of the post office
(mumbling) of America
In spite of lousy service
There's a lot that
makes us nervous
But, in spite of lousy service
They are absolutely great Olay
(audience applauding)
- Well, that's our salute
to the post office, folks.
- Just a darn minute.
We were supposed to
have three more sketches.
- Well, I know, but
they got lost in the mail.
(audience laughing)
- Well, that does it.
I'm going to take direct action.
- Strong words indeed, sir.
- Well, yes sir, from now
on, I'm gonna take my mail
from somebody else.
- That's a good idea, Ollie.
- It certainly is.
(audience laughing)
(comical organ music)
(vaudevillian music)
(giggling)
(comical music)
(audience laughing)
(vaudevillian music)
(audience laughing)
(piano music)
Holding hands at midnight
Sighing sigh after sigh
It's nice work if you can get it
And you can get it if you try
- And, in New Jersey,
the number to call is
3-1-1-5-5-5-7.
(audience laughing)
- Oh listen.
- Hmm.
- Got an act for you, you're
gonna just not gonna believe.
- I'm dubious already.
- Oh listen, this guy
plays the trumpet,
the bugle, actually
he plays a bugle.
Plays a guitar, and
sings all at the same time.
Now what do you think of that?
- Well, it's a tremendous
saving in time.
- Oh, better than that.
Now, this is a unique act.
He's the only one of his
kind and we're very lucky.
- I guess we are lucky.
There could have been two.
(audience laughing)
- That's no way to welcome
the discovery of the week
and that's what it is.
Come here, I want
you to meet him.
- Oh yeah?
- Dick this is the
Legendary Stardust Cowboy.
Legendary Stardust
Cowboy, this is Dick.
- Hi there Legendary person.
- You stay right here
so you can hear it all.
(shouting)
(drumming)
Welcome to the show (shouting)
(drumming)
(bugle music)
(audience applauding)
- Yes sir, yes sir.
You...
- That's quite a number.
- Never heard anything
like that, did ya?
- I'm not too sure
I heard that one.
- What's the Legendary
Stardust Cowboy,
what's the title of that song?
- Well, the title of
that song is Paralyzed.
- Perfer-Alyzed?
- Yeah, Paralyzing.
- Oh, Paralyzing.
Who wrote it?
- I did.
I sure did.
- [Dick] Just now?
- [Dan] Oh, you wrote it.
- No, I wrote it a
year and a half ago.
- You married or you engaged?
- No, no, don't intend to.
- Well, it wasn't
an offer, I just...
(audience laughing)
- You could work something
out with the drummer.
- Have you got us
another number?
- All right I will do another.
- Dick, why don't you
just hum along with him.
- I'll do another one.
- Here's your horn.
- No.
- Oh, okay.
(audience laughing)
- Just put it back under
the sink where he got it.
(audience laughing)
Ooo, ooo
And, we prefer it
from a coffee cup
(shouting)
And, that's what we
call ballin' the jack
(audience laughing)
(drumming music)
(shouting)
(audience applauding)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(vaudevillian music)
- Kumquat.
- Well, it's time to
say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Fred, uh Dick.
(audience laughing)
- Who's Dick?
- Now I forgot the question.
(audience laughing)
- We'd like to alert you
to be at your old self...
- I wonder if you'd
mind if I said something
my aunt once said to me.
- You know, I'm
kinda quick to learn.
After about 20 weeks I
know there's nothing I can do
to prevent it.
Go ahead.
- Well, thank you.
She was, you know
she played slide oboe
for Ina Ray Hutton's orchestra.
(audience laughing)
And, she was riding
the bus one day
and she was sitting in
front of the trombone player,
you know, mmm, mmm, mmm.
(audience laughing)
When she came
off the bus, by golly,
she had something to say.
(audience laughing)
- Well, all of us music
lovers are one edge.
What did she say?
- Well, when she came
off the bus she said,
"And, I'm a better
person for it."
(audience laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Say good night, Dan.
- Blow in my ear, I'll
follow you anywhere.
(audience laughing)
- Victor, come out.
- Yes, Herbert.
- You always devil.
If George Washington
were alive today,
what would he be famous for?
- Old age.
- Right.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to divorce my wife,
but I don't have enough money.
- Borrow it from the bank.
Tell 'em it's a home
improvement loan.
(audience laughing)
- Help, there's a cat
burglar in my room.
- What?
- A cat burglar is in my room.
- Relax, Ruthie,
you don't have a cat.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, I don't wanna
wind up an old maid.
- Okay, bring her in
and I'll wind her up.
(audience laughing)
- Just blow in her ear,
she'll follow you anywhere.
- Hey, Harvey, last week
I hunted lions with a club.
- Wasn't that dangerous, Danny?
- Oh, no, no, not at all, Ruth.
There's a hundred
of us in the club.
(audience laughing)
- Roses are red
and violets are blue,
sugar is sweet when it's brown.
(audience laughing)
- What kind of sports
do you like best Jo Anne?
- What?
- What kind of sports
do you like best?
- I like the kind of a sport
who's free with his money.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Who's there?
- Knock, knock.
- You're doing it
backwards, Goldie.
- No.
- What's yellow
and wears a mask?
- I don't know.
- The lone lemon.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- Yes?
- You know, I
have a very high IQ.
- Oh, and, I IQ
you too, you, too.
- Yes (mumbles).
(audience laughing)
- As Isaac Newton said as
the apple fell on his head,
"This is strange.
"I'm sitting under a pear tree."
(audience laughing)
(comical music)
(pounding)
(audience laughing)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(pounding)
(knocking)
(clattering)
- Daddy!
(audience laughing)
- This program was pre-recorded
because there wasn't
any way to post-record it.
(audience laughing)
- Very interesting,
but Tales of Hoffman it wasn't.
(shouting)
(clock cuckooing)
(applauding)
(beeping)